#anyway I know the US is having a full on breakdown rn I am sorry

[archervale]

do we ever find out just how much younger adam is than sam and dean?

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

@megatraven (there’s some proofreading but forgive me if some stuff is off or doesn’t make sense exactly. It’s 3 AM rn and I really wanna post this lol)

EDIT: Also, I didn’t see that you answered my ask about Meg and Hercules, so I’m sorry that some info is off😭.

Hercules and MC Friendship AU part 1: Hercules’s Songs.

Okay my song breakdown is of 2 covers of a song called, “Love me, love me, love me,” and they’re English covers of a Japanese song. Here is the cover by LittleJayneyCakes and here’s the other by JubyPhonic, which I will be using the lyrics from. I’ll be switching back and forth (since some lyrics I like from one and then some I like from the other) to make them fit the theme, and I’ll make sure to say where they come from :).

Anyways, after looking at the comments, you learn that this isn’t a yandere song (tho it sounds a lot like it), and is instead about golden child syndrome. The syndrome where a child will do anything it takes to get love from their parent(s). It’s shown in the lyrics such as:

(JubyPhonic): “I’m doing so well have you heard? You see, you see, I’m such a good girl! Cute as a button you heard.”

But sometimes it edges into a dangerous line, where the person is getting hurt.

JubyPhonic: “You see, you see, so good this girl. In pain I scream you see?!”

And then I’ll switch the JayneyCakes’s lyrics at that some moment which is: “Hey, hey, lovely just like me. Aren’t I the cutest of all? Hey, hey, I’m good, aren’t I? If you say no I’ll cry!” The doubt and the NEED to KNOW if they’re doing good just hits and proves the point more.

And then Jubyphonic’s “Aishite” (which is the original Japanese line at this point) is instead, “Love me I say,” while JayneyCakes is “Love me I beg,” which I feel FITS SO GOOD.

Jubyphonic: “Love me I say, love me I say, love me I say, more and more! Love me I say, love me away! Until I’m not completely sane.” I used to hear this line as “Love me you say,” which is like the parent is telling the kid to love them, which I feel could also fit, but “love me I say,” is what she actually sings.

JayneyCakes: “Love me I beg! Love me I beg! Love me I beg! More and more! And love me I beg! Love me I BEG! Till we feel madness creeping in.” (Highly recommend listening so you can hear the pure emotion in her voice and how hard it hits)

Now, how does this fit with Hercules and MC? Well, I listen to this song and I hear Hercules so heavy in it. Like, you could say it fits Alex (since they do so much to please their mother and Olympus in general), but this song is to an even higher degree than what Alex does, just like Hercules is. I cannot remember too much about Hercules, but from what I remember the reason he’s taking the auras is because Zeus promised him he’d be able to become a full god (Top Tier I believe) if he collected a certain amount of Aura’s.

I see him going above and beyond because he even stole Meg’s who, I believe, was Hercules’s love at the time. He’s stealing auras and doing whatever it takes to please his father and other Olympians, and he’s definitely been doing this for years and years. Probably since he was born. We see how demigods are treated on Olympus, such as Zeus calling Deukalion’s human side a “weakness”, and we definitely know that belief plays a part in Hercules’ life and how he acts. I’m so certain he’s been told his human side is a weakness ALL his life, definitely in the old days. And I feel like a part of him hates him, which I imagine from these lyrics following the previous:

LittleJayneyCakes: “Its agony, it’s agony, this curse I bear. Undo it, undo it, hey!” But he’s gotten so used to it that he can’t be stopped. “It can’t be stopped now, no, AAAAH!!”

And Hercules has gotten so used to it that he doesn’t think twice about stealing the auras. Just like the lyrics from LittleJayneyCakes. He changes over time, growing older with each century and Millenia.

LittleJayneyCakes: “Time goes on, time goes on, changes come to your frame, but the collar stays the same.” He’s so used to it. “It’s agonizing now, but this is nothing new. People just, people just, they’re not enough!”

The “collar” its mentioning is metaphorical that is sung about in the beginning, only mentioned about finding a collar and tying it around their neck and it becoming tighter and “blinding” their vision (in both versions with diff lyrics). I didn’t mention it because I wanted to jump right into it, but the collar is metaphorical. To me, the collar symbolizes the control the parent has and how it’s grown tighter.

Zeus’s control on Hercules, and even other divine beings, has changed over time and definitely become harsher.

JubyPhonics (the same time where JayneyCakes was at): “Grow as you may like a sweet summers day, but this collar will stay just the same. I’m hurting and bleed, I need more to feed. Get people, more people the choker would scream!”

This is where I was secondly hit the most with Hercules thoughts, with both lyrics but here’s both that follow immediately after the previous (with JayneyCakes REALLY hitting the Hercules feeling):

JubyPhonic: “I am the best in my class they attest, I’m a girl far above all the rest. From better than Rose, to better than all you. People, oh people, look only at me!”

JayneyCakes: “I vow to not lose to anyone in my class, aren’t I such a lovely child? (Hey). From more than that child! To more than that child! Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round, marvel at me!”

He’s doing all this to get everyone to look at him and give him validation. To give him love and for him to PROVE himself through anything. No matter what it takes. Even if it means he loses things he cares for. I can’t remember too much about our guy Hercules (since I can’t bring myself to watch Hydra’s route all over again rn tho I love him) but I can bet he’s lost a lot in his life too, since he’s followed everyone rules and guidance, even when it is bad. These lyrics both hit me, so I can’t really choose. They’re both just SO great, at least in these lines:

Jubyphonic: “Meeting alone in the yard, from me to you confessing my heart. Was it a lie from the start? To say I love you from afar, as filthy a creature you are!”

JayneyCakes: “Behind the gymnasium, when I told you that I was in love. Wasn’t that kind of a lie? I love you so, so very much, even though I think that you’re TRASH!

This feels like the Olympians (especially Zeus) giving him attention and validation, but still letting him know his human side is a weakness. They love him, but see him as weak (filthy creature) and not worth it (trash).

And then the golden child syndrome shows heavily here. Especially in Juby’s side. He’s willing to do whatever it takes and it’s plainly stated.

Jubyphonic: “Love me I say, love me I say, love me I say, take what you want of me. Taking from me, taking from me! All that I have and all that I keep!” And then Olympus’s POV: “Screaming for more. You’re not enough! Screaming for more. I couldn’t give you up, Ah!”

And then a big part that I can’t really decide who it’s coming from, since I see these songs as a conversation almost. Is this Olympus apologizing to him? Or Hercules apologizing to who he’s hurt? And may hurt in the future?

Jubyphonic: “I am just so sorry!” And then it goes into the “Love me I say,” and such, BUT adds the part, “Love me away, until I’m not completely sane! Torturing me, strangling me, torturing me. More and more, more and more, ahh!!” I see this as the collar continuing to tighten and tighten, until:

“Aren’t I so happy today?”

BUT JayneyCakes side hurts too (this is the part where Juby is all “taking from me”): “Love me I beg, love me I beg, love me I beg, I’ll give you everything. But in return, but in return! I’ll make you share this hatred I bear. It’s not enough, YOU’RE not enough, just not enough! But I won’t let you go, ahhh!!! I’m sorry about this!” And then travels back into the “love me I beg” from the beginning, but instead of Juby’s final lyrics they say:

“Love me I beg! Till we feel madness creeping in. It’s agony- I won’t let go- it’s agony. Strangle me, strangle me, hey!!” And then the part that feels so Hercules to me, something I bet he wonders:

“Isn’t this happiness?”

And then she screams. She screams!!! JUST AH!! It hits so good. These lyrics feel like such a Hercules song because I believe he’s doing so much of his fathers bidding bc he wants to become a top tier god. The people who are seen as ‘important’ in Olympus and who have respect from everyone! They’re true gods, no matter what, and that’s how he can become worth it. It’s how he can be seen as ‘perfect’ in his eyes. He wants to see the validation and live, no matter the cost.

Even if it hurts him, terribly so, or others around him. He’ll give whatever it takes, even parts of himself, to Olympus to be seen as worth it. And he’s lived so long that the question, “Isn’t this happiness?” Feels like a genuine question he might ask. He’s lived like this for so long….does he even know any other way? Any other way to live? Or is this it? Taking from others to gain approval, is it the only thing he knows?

That’s my first part of this AU I have involving MC and Hercules friendship. I wanted to break down these 2 covers because these lyrics always hit me as Hercules, AND MC AS WELL!! I’ll explain the MC part later (so this might be a 3 part…..I’m not sure yet) and then how I see their friendship forming and the point of these posts.

I love you Meg!! And I hope I didn’t come off as too sympathetic to Hercules. He’s done some fucked up shit, but a part of me sees a little deeper into it, just like we do with Zeus and Eros and any other insufferable God lol. I hope you enjoy the breakdowns and I highly recommend listening to both! They’re so good and it’s the only way to really hear the emotion and see what I mean! Especially LittleJayneyCakes (she puts her whole life into this cover). If you do, I’d love to hear your thoughts, but if not then that’s okay!!

But I would love to hear your thoughts or rambles or screams (or even disagreements if you have some) about the breakdown and the beginning of my Hercules and MC friendship posts!! Love you💙💙.

[pepprs]

omg it’s Freaking almost 2am and i didn’t do any homework all day. =_=

[thefairygodmotheryoudeserve]

Thank You, Dear Last Night’s Mental Breakdown.

| Barista!Han Jisung Au |

 💌  Requested? Yes --  @jone-00​

🌸  Genre: Fluff, a hint of a hint of Angst. As much angst as a Strawberry flavored La Croix has Strawberry.

✏️ Word Count: 2,600

!GIFS ARE NOT MINE!

T/W: Mentions of a mental breakdown, doesn’t go into detail.

A/N: Get ready, you bean. We about to enter some emotional and fluffy territory. Bring yo shades-- to look cool AND to make sure people can’t see you crying.

Also I’m sorry if this secretly sucks and I have no idea. Leave your thoughts so I can improve and know what’s good and what isn’t! I read all feedback and they all are important to me! <3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You breathe out, the light sunshine kissing your lashes as your eyes flutter open. The buzz of your alarm fills the air.

Your eyes glide softly to the dress you hung up on your bedroom doorknob. The early sunrise sets the warm shadows of your room across the lightly pleated skirt. The fabric’s rosy pastel-pink hues are cast onto the white paint of your door.

You breath in, and out again. Let’s begin.

You had a mental breakdown the night before. They aren’t an irregular thing for you, but you wish badly they are. After crying, trembling, and crumbling slowly for hours, you stopped suddenly. You clenched your fists and stared, determined, into your very own eyes through that mirror.

I’m not going to let you fall apart like this anymore. I can’t-- I won’t.

So you stood up, breathing shakily. Scared, you started making preparations for what you were determined to be a better tomorrow.

What can I do that would make my younger self proud? You jot down ideas that would suddenly come to you as you set clothes out, put trash in a bin, and tried your best to write reminders.

“Making your younger self proud” has always been a way to measure how happy you are with where you’re at in life. You saw it in a newspaper, or maybe your mother heard it-- it might have even been a popular Tumblr text post, who knows! You just know it’s been your compass to point you in the right direction for about three years now.

You have an emotional attachment to the things you went through as a child, and if you could go back in time and just hold her, and tell her everything would be okay, you would. Doing things that would make younger-you smile is your way of doing that.

I’ll go to the cafe in a pretty dress that makes me feel happy, you wrote carefully. You remembered as a child dreaming about romantic cafes and old books. You sighed, releasing pent up air, feeling your muscles relax, little by little. If I did that, I think that would make my younger self proud...

By the time you made it to your bed that night, it was only 9:12pm. You fell down in your bed and closed your eyes, feeling your space. Your favorite-but-forgotten dress that now hung there on your door; the sneakers you once bought yourself and have finally decided to wear; the alarm clock that, for the first time in three years, was set for 6:00am; and a notebook full of ideas to return to the person you never were but always wanted to be, that sits on your bedside table.

You fell asleep, muscles relaxing. You, melting into your bed, almost becoming one with it.

* * *

Fast forward to where we started-- you are sitting upright in bed and staring at your dress. It seems to stare right back at you. Can you really do this, Y/N?

“Can I do this?”

Yes. I will.

You swing your legs over your bed, and you feel the fear begin to fall away like an old skin being shed from a new body. Suddenly, you feel light and happy, slipping on the bright-white wedge sneakers. The dress glides down your body, the fabric sending shivers up your spine as it falls into place.

As you pull the zipper up the side of your torso. you think about what you’re going to order when you get to the cafe. I haven’t been there since my mother came to the university to drop me off. I miss her... what did she order that day? I hope I can remember once I get there.

* * *

The jingle of tiny bells above the door tickles your ears as you swing the glass door open. The cafe is mostly empty, other than a mother and her child quietly sitting in a booth by the window. Succulents and aged books lined hanging shelves on either side of the room. The hanging lights gave the cafe a soft industrial feel, and the glass pastry displays made the room that much sweeter. Mom had chosen this cafe because she said it felt like a secret place that only few knew about... She liked how special it felt because of that. You smile softly at the thought of your mother. I think ill come here more often. I miss her.

A boy from behind the counter snaps his head up to look at you, his blond bangs tossing lightly as he does so. “W.. would you like something?”

You snap out of your daze and realize how long you’ve been just standing there in the doorway, staring at everything. You lock eyes with the boy.

“Oh! Uh-- yeah, I’m sorry! Ahm...” You stutter.

“Don’t worry about it!” He waves it off.

You brush your hair behind your ears and walk to the counter. You quickly read his name tag. Jisung.

His bright smile puts you at a light and airy ease. Maybe I wasn’t as awkward as I thought I was being...?

“Have you been here before...?” He tilted his head to the side like a little kid, eyebrows raised curiously.

Wow. That was attractive.

“Um, kind of... i’ve only been here once. When my brother-- mother!-- brought me... yeah, haha..”

Sparkling conversationalist.

...Wait-- don’t insult yourself! Be positive, Y/N!! You can make your younger self proud today!!!!

You open your mouth to speak, but you don’t know what to say, so you immediately shut it again.

Why is talking to pretty boys so hard?

NO! JUST GO FOR IT! F L I r T !! WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE, HAH?

“...So anyway, that’s basically all we’ve got at this cafe right now.” He looks at you, smiling patiently.

Wait, has he been talking to me this whole time? Agh! I haven’t even been listening!

“Oh! I forgot, we also have--”

“Do you come here often?”

Well. You just made things worse, didn’t you?

“What?”

CODE RED CODE RED CODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCO

This is not a thing that makes your younger self proud, Y/N. This is the opposite.

YOU JUST ASKED THE BARISTA IF HE COMES HERE OFTEN. YOU NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO RIP OFF YOUR ANKLES.

You watch in horror as he stares at you, frozen to the touch, with those eyes.

“Oh! Did you ask me if I come here often? I thought I didn’t hear what you said at first. Yeah-- I work here actually! Thanks for asking!” I smiles, oblivious to your failed flirting.

“Oh, um. S-sure thing!”

Mission... not abort..ed?

Well-- This means I don’t ever have to think what happened ever again! Wonderful.

You aren’t sure if he’s actually dumb or if you just suck at reading him-- but either way, there’s no escaping the situation now. Unless you’re willing to literally sprint out of the cafe and run all the way back to your apartment, lock the door, and cry in the shower.

But, unfortunately for everyone else, you aren’t willing to do that.

“Um, when my mom came here, she ordered something really specific, but I can’t remember what it was called or anything...,” You say hesitantly.

“Yeah-- Don’t worry at all! Do you remember what it looked or tasted like at all?”

His enthusiasm encourages you and you feel brighter. “Yeah! Uh, it had strawberries in it, and a special kind of cream-- I think? And then there was this special topping she got on it. It was green? The topping? Sorry if that sounds totally dumb, but I just now that it-- they-- were green, I guess, haha!” You feel your heart start to beat faster the more you talk to him. Why am I nervous? and stuttering?? It’s just a drink, jeez.

Suddenly excited, his eyes squint with a wide smile. “Ooohhh! Were they mint spirals, maybe? I love those soooo much!!!”. You don’t even know what those are, but that isn’t gonna stop you from nodding excitedly with him. It would have been hard not to. When he smiles you kind of just want to join on the thrill, I guess.

You notice a whisper of heat brushing against your cheeks as he turns to the chalkboard behind him and points at a meticulous drawing of a fluffy pink drink. “Did it look like that??”

Excited to have found your mom’s favorite drink, you nod, a big smile leaving your eyes in the shape of giggling crescents. “Yes! Yeah! That’s exactly it, I think!”

His sunshine-smile turns half shy. “Great! I’ll get that just for you then...,” He softly says. He turns his back to you as he hurries around behind the counter to concoct the drink.

Were his cheeks flushed like that this whole time?

... Whatever...

You carefully sit down at one of the pretty little cafe tables closest to the counter so you can be ready to grab your drink as soon as it’s ready. You have maybe a few minutes, so you pull your notebook with the chestnut leather cover out from your purse. You open the middle of the book to where you urgently wrote down the ideas the night before.

things that would make my younger self proud of me:

- keeping a journal

- keeping my body clean

- wearing the clothes that make me feel peaceful

- waking up at a time that makes me feel happy

- wearing the clothes I’m scared others will judge me for

- going to the cafe in a pretty dress that makes me feel happy

- talking to people I feel like talking to but am scared to

- going on a cute date say sike rn

Smiling to yourself, you use a pencil to put a check next to the third-to-last one. You thought of scratching it out, but you didn’t want it to be gone from your precious list completely... you feel you’ll be coming back soon. You like how it feels.

Nevertheless, you are glad you’re here. You’ve gathered the courage to come here when it’s been so hard for you lately! You look down at your lap and give a sigh of relief. Closing your eyes, you take in how it feels to be here.

It’s different, but warm here. It smells of both exotic and familiar flavors. The lullaby effect of the fluffy low-fi music overhead mixed with the gentle metallic sounds of Jisung working behind the counter is somehow comforting. You lift your head and peak over at him slyly, watching as he leans against the mixing machine. He seems to be waiting on something.

You watch almost in shock as he slowly peeks over his shoulder to look at you, making quick eye-contact on accident. You smile instinctively-- not even knowing why.

He turns his face back to what he was doing as soon as this moment happens and you notice a smile he’s hiding and the blush that’s growing on his face. You turn your body to see more of his turned-away face from where you’re at, and as you do, you spy the massive smile he’s desperately trying to hide. Oh dear, he’s adorable.

Bubbles rise in your stomach and your lungs seem to fill with cotton candy as his undeniably-cute, blushing self hits you all at once.

-- o h. Oh n o.

You lean back in your chair again, suddenly very worried.

No? No. No!

It always gets bad once I get crushes on people.

You make an immediate promise to yourself to not at all drop any hints that you kind of want to mayhaps hold this almost-stranger’s hand. Flirting is fine when you don’t actually like the person-- once you genuinely develop feelings, it’s absolutely not a good idea anymore. Everyone knows that. Good, cute things with crushes only happen in fan-fiction and Wattpad stories.

Sike.

All of a sudden, you notice the sound of clinking and whirring has stopped from behind the counter.

“Am-- uh-- am I interrupting you... at all, or something?”

Reality crashes into your view again as you tilt your head up and to the side to lock eyes with Jisung. Ah.

“W--what?”

“Ahm, you just looked kind of... really worried about something.” He furrows his brows, confused. “Anyway-- here’s your drink!”

“Oh-- thank you! Yeah, I was just-- thinking about something! Haha!

He sets your drink on the table and pauses for a moment. “By the way, your dress is really pretty, I think.” Jisung Blush: Activated. “Don’t mean that in a weird way! I just thought you maybe might like to know...”

🎵 KISS KISS FALL IN LOOOVE 🎵🎵🎵🎵

“Oh, thanks! I actually tried this morning, haha!”

“Oh, yeah? Well I think you look great. But you already know that, i guess, haha..” Jisung Confidence: Boosted-- Reason: Compliment Accepted.

You feel your ears heat up as you avert your eyes, looking down at your drink. “Thanks again! It’s funny because I didn’t even have an occasion to dress up for. I just sort of did it to treat myself, I guess.” You smile softly, proud.

“Isn’t that enough of an occasion? I think celebrating yourself is a worthwhile thing.” He sits down across from you, muttering something about how nobody is going to show up to the cafe in a while.

You look up at him, smiling in agreement. “Right? It really helps to take care of yourself. I think it’s one of the best ways to pick yourself back up from something hard.”

He tilts his head like he did before, but this time with worry. “Are you going through something..?... Oh, you don’t have to answer! I pry without thinking first sometimes...”

“No, no! It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about it to others, it’s good for people who need to hear it...” Why do I feel so comfortable with telling him about this..? I’m sure it won’t do any harm. He’s being genuine after all...

“Well, if you really do feel like telling me, we won’t be having customers again until about 10:30-ish. I’m all ears!”

Your heart said: Oof.

As soon as you start explaining the night before and all that lead up to it, he leans in, his hands cupping his face, intent on every word you say. You tell him about all the stress, issues, and fears-- both self-inflicted and otherwise-- that are holding you down lately. He nods and listens, asking clarifying questions.

You notice how his reactions remain compassionate when you talk about the hard things that are happening because of your own mistakes. A feeling of warmth and safety sets in after you finishing your monologue. You apologize for taking so long-- maybe thirty minutes?-- but he immediately tells you it’s all okay.

“No, please don’t say sorry!! I really am grateful when people share what they are going through with me... It helps me to connect with them better and find ways to help them feel better. Don’t be sorry.” He softly smiles and gently asks if you are all done.

“Yeah-- heh-- i’m done. Thank you so much for listening! I’m really grateful I have-- had-- someone to listen to me...” You rub your eyes worriedly, afraid you might have started crying at some point while telling him the whole story.

He stares down at the table for a moment, quiet. “Hey, wanna be random?”

You giggle. “Always.”

“Wanna go on a date?”

“What?”

“I understand if you don’t want to. You seem to be working through a lot of things right now... I don’t want to--” Jisung Blush: Reactivated And Intensified.

“Yes.”

“WhAT?”

“Yeah!.. I think that would be awesome.”

Jisung is suddenly beaming, which makes you instantly happier. Dang, mirror neurons are so cute.

[atinytokki]

Here’s my first impressions (aka this is what 2020 is gonna sound like folks)

Alright so I’m really behind today, as some of you know I literally just got back from vacation and it’s also my first day of classes this semester and it’s just craziness. Yes I’m posting the first chapter of Yeosang’s spin-off today. But people seemed to like my first impressions of the last album so I’m going to do them again. Thankfully (?) this album is a lot shorter so I can pause and talk about stuff.

Warning! a loooong post, squealing, incoherent thoughts smashed together, and crying ahead. A lot of crying. Keysmashes included.

Post-MV thoughts before I listen to it again: There’s way too much to focus on and I’ve watched it many many times to look at the choreo and the storyline stuff that’s happening, but this is my first time listening without the video so I’ll notice more musically this time. But first I wanna say; YEOSANG’S LINES!!!! I’ve been screaming for forever that he has a beautiful deep voice and needs to be given parts that compliment it. And wow it finally happened :’) Anyway here we gooo

건배하자 like a thunder!! Can you believe they literally spoiled the entire hook of their next song in Beginning of the End? *flashbacks to my utter confusion when that happened* San sounds amazing and I like the little echoey thingies. Gives it a real nostalgic feel. Jongho already popping off vocally barely 10 seconds in. Mingi’s rap here and the transition to Hongjoong’s— rap line goals. The attitude in that mm-mm made me smile ngl. This prechorus might be my favourite part of the song. Seonghwa sounds heavenly. An EDM drop bringing back that hook, good decision and again it kinda feels nostalgic?? Especially the oh-oh-ohs which are also giving me a pirate drinking song vibe wow 0.0 Wooyoung with that 불러 불러 lol. Yes the Yeosang part!! I love a good post-chorus switchup and he. handled. it. perfectly. There’s even harmony, yall know how much I love harmony. And SINGING RAPPERS AHAHDJAHAK YESSSSS. Back to that glorious prechorus but it’s Yunho’s turn. This chorus is just such an anthem. I’m bopping rn. San in this bridge— he said I am a VOCALIST listen to my beautiful VOICE. Yay the rappers going back and forth again!! It’s like If Without You. Man I can’t believe I get to replay this song forever. 2020 is gonna be lit. You hit those notes Jongho! I’m always blown away by this kid, and that scoop earlier mmmm. Just nodding very energetically right now. Perfect end to the song. 100/10!!!!

Okay I’m pausing before the next one starts because no I am not prepared. It’s just like last time; I know Hongjoong wrote this and I know it’s gonna ruin me but I have no idea how and when and what it’s even gonna be like but anyway, too bad, let’s just go.

Oh kinda futuristic sounding opening with the synths? Yooo the vocal thingy in the background, sounds like a sample of some kind, that is super cool and I hope we get more of it. Ok I paused just to write that, let me unpause. This is gonna be a long one, I can already tell, sorry guys 😅 And the beat changed right before the vocalists came in. definitely a back and forth thing here in two registers, very sweet. Wow. WOW MINGI WOW. This rap is?? It sounds super mature and idk just full of confidence. I’m shook. Ok the chorus. Holy cow this is LIT lit. Nope nope I need to pause and go back. This is so chaotic, I feel like I’m missing things?? I’m listening to that chorus again because there were so many elements there. I just wanna take this song and break it down second by second to hear every single sound hahahah. I’m only catching an odd word or two here as far as lyrics go. Oml harmonies 💆🏻‍♀️ Alright Hongjoong’s rap. OMG if he sounded sassy in Answer this is a whole new level and I LOVE IT. Flow is 100/10. The “are you gonna take me there” gives me chills. This song needs a dance this chorus is TOO LIT. Am I at a rave rn??? Oh thank God the bridge took it back a level. Ok I’m pausing because I think I caught some of the lyrics this time. If I’m not wrong I heard 난 궁금해 저 끝이 궁금해, 더 가까이 조금 더 가까이 ? Which is something like “I wonder, I wonder about the end. Closer, a little bit closer” if I heard correctly. I need to look up the lyrics in full later because Hongjoong has a big brain and his lyrics are always 🤯🤩 Ok unpause. Final breakdown! Yep this is going on repeat the rest of today. Jongho yussss with the ad libs. No it’s over ㅠㅠ Alright this one is already vying for top spot this album. We shall see. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. HONGJOONG GENIUS.

Um so yeah I saw them perform this live for their anniversary thingy and cried so this should be fun. At least I already know the song so how much can it hurt me? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Smart of whoever put this album together to stick this song right in the middle and make us cry between head banging to the other songs. Mingi in the beginning is just 💖💕💘💝💓 San ballad king. I need more ballads from him. Jongho, of course, with perfect vocal control. Oh Seonghwa too, I need more ballads from him. Wooyoung with T H A T part. A tear is forming, I just love this chorus. People are saying the song should be in a drama and I 100% agree. Everyone together FOREVER YOU ARE MY STARRR. The little drum frills it’s so cute :(( Yay Hongjoong, and his cute little voice I’m UWUWU. Wooyoung with the high note and I’m ascending........... Chorus again and this is the real meaning of crying in the club. It just occurred to me that the second verse seemed really short. Yeosang + Hongjoong + that guitar in the bridge is *chef’s kiss*. This is so emotional, do we really need to do this at 4am?!? I’m just gonna vibe for a sec, it’s the last chorus. The ad libs were so perfect and the way it ended— wow. I need a moment.

From my understanding this is a full version of the Precious Overture they gave us last album. Tempted to go back and see my first impressions about that one, but either way i have a distinct feeling my wig is about to be snatched. Let’s GOOO

So far, it’s starting the same. Creepy humming and all. Okay scratch that, we have a vocal melody. Yunho sounds great ugh I’m so proud. Sorry, San’s voice just takes me to another plane of existence or something, how can it be that smooth and gorgeous, someone please explain. Building to something now... Oo. OO?! Hongjoong’s rapping. This is so cool oh wow, and into this vocal part which I believe is the chorus?? wOW wow it’s amazing to hear this having already heard the bgm, this is like a new level of appreciation. It really all goes well. Ah we have a switch up now with Seonghwa. guys GUYS GUYS you know how I feel about switch ups. Sorry I’m going back to catch something. The tempo changed here and really grabbed my attention. The bass is also super cool, it’s actually the same melody as the treasure opening (and the opening of this song) but much lower, I believe. Uh oh guys this might be vying for top spot too. Let’s continue. Ok Mingi’s rap which I’ve already heard. Um I’m confused now. It’s Hongjoong’s rap again? Is this the chorus?? Woah woah hold on I gotta pause. Because. Wait, what?? This is the chorus??!? Yoooooooo bold move! I have no idea what is going on but I love it. Continuing on. Ah yeah ok the vocal part with Yeosang again, so I guess the rap + vocal part is the chorus? Also I neglected to mention but Yeosang is killing this song. Ooh okay this bridge is building some suspense. Feeeelingggggg.... And now a shouted version of the rap for the final chorus. Okay wow I’m impressed that they took it this direction. And Jongho with the ad libs is PERFECTIONNNN. Oop okay they’ve added the revised-lyric Treasure part to the end here. And the lyrics are the same as in Precious (Overture) so I’m guessing we still didn’t find the treasure, good grief. How long is it gonna take to find this treasure 😅. And it ended like that. Well. WOW. Again, I could listen to this on repeat all day. Again, I am deceased. Instant fave.

I’m pretty sure this is the exact same as I already heard on the trailer thingy but we are gonna react to it anyway.

The orchestra really loosens my tear ducts like nothing else. It’s beautiful, who else is doing it like them?? “Did you find your treasure?” Yes, I found ATEEZ 🥺. The way he says “finally found it” . This is Maddox btw. Also about Maddox, hang on I’m gonna pause for a PSA: guys if you don’t know Maddox please PLEASE check him out. He’s doing the amazing narration on this (and Intro too), he’s a soloist under KQ and one of Ateez’s hyungs who they look up to. In addition to his superior narrating talents, he is also an amazing vocalist. If you like R&B and lo-fi music I would definitely recommend him, he just dropped a single called Color Blind, his insta is xxmaddox, he’s a great guy and YEAH that’s all for my plug but go stan him, he is deserving and proof of the fact that KQ artists are talent through and through. Unpausing! The way the orchestra swells and then goes into a piratey sounding theme is so motivating and familiar :))) “Can you hear those voices?” HNGJRKSNDN WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SCARY. This is the Epilogue, it’s supposed to be like the denouement, the falling action!! The bad guys should be gone now! What’s next?? Treasure Ep: Answer to Question? Because that’s what I have after this album! More questions!!! Anyway, the bass here and the humming 👌🏻 100/10 for the instrumental. And in ATEEZ fashion, they leave me thirsting for more.

So that was my first impression/live reaction to the mini album! I think it’s Horizon and Precious fighting for #1 currently. Maybe I’ll reblog with second and third and fourth impressions... Thanks for reading if you got this far! And tell me what your first impressions were and if I missed something big while I was keysmashing. TTFN~

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

So two of my beloved and respected mutuals asked/threatened me to expand upon these tags and because it was my birthday this week which means obviously I’m distraught and can’t stop crying I’m going to break my time honored tradition of lying alone in the dark never answering anybody’s messages. You all will now hear about a boy whether you want to or not. (jk I’m using readmore obvs and I am SO SO SORRY if ur on mobile or sth and it fails mea culpa that this is the longest post in the entire world :( )

Ok, now that we’re safely under the readmore hopefully, for the first time ever in front of a human being besides myself, let’s talk about Steve!!!! (”hey so uh, would this Steve happen to have anything to do with the, um, other Steve you can’t shut up about in your stupid paragraph long tags we have to scroll past every time you post, or--” Rest Assured This Post Does Not In Any Way Shape Or Form Concern Award Winning Hollywood Actor Steven Carell) (”ok but like you do recognize it’s a little weird, right, that you just, you know, decided to use that exact name--” It’s Not A Weird RPF Thing Ok We Are Moving On Now)  So Steve is my little baby I love him soooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!! And I can’t tell you anything about him because it’s all too complicated :( but let’s try anyways So you know AU fanfics? I love AU fanfics so much you guys. There are some fandoms I’m in where I never really liked the setting and/or plot of the canon story at all tbh but I loved the characters a lot so I just read All The AU Fic (not giving any examples bc that’d be rude I think but I feel like this is at least a slightly relatable experience for most fans of stuff?? maybe??? comment your fandom experiences down below if you’ve read this far into the post which NOBODY is going to do and that’s fair). So anyways one time starting about 10 years ago (yeah) I took some characters from a couple of very obscure fandoms and also from some pieces of media that are obscure enough not to have any fandom at all and I made a bunch of very elaborate AU fanfics for them and developed all my favorite obscure tertiary characters from these obscure stories and created a whole network of relationships and personalities and then at one point I had a breakdown about never being able to explain any of this stupid idiot strange convoluted fanfiction to anyone because oops! it’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore! but it’s the worst fanfic in the world. it’s not recognizable as anything anyone’s ever seen before. the characters are just things I made up all on my own at this point. it has nothing to do with any story ever written before by another human being. And then I ate some macaroni and was like wait let’s just have it....... not be fanfiction anymore. Was it ever actually fanfiction? Guess we’ll never know.  And now I have OCs!!!!!!!!! But the problem is they only exist in like 86 different alternate universes all of which have their own storylines or at least...... the intention for storylines....... And none of those worlds has any precedence over any of the others so I’ve accidentally created the world’s most unnecessary social experiment (fiction experiment?): What if you had characters with no canonical plot or setting? What would that even mean? If a character’s profession, abilities, location, backstory, age, species, etc. change over and over and over with no “real” default to fall back on then who even are they? Starky oh no what is you doin? :( The answer to all these questions is of course I dunno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And we’re not getting into that stuff rn I’m just. trying my DAMNEDEST to explain why this is the first time in my entire existence on this planet that I’ve publicly posted anything about my stupid OCs. Because every character profile questionnaire and checklist out there is full of bits where I’d have to write in “it depends” and that’s boring. MUCH LIKE THIS POST!  For the record yes I know the solution is just pick a universe but I’ll be real with you chief, that’s a whole other post. But back to Steve. Now that you know what we can’t know about Steve, here are some things we can. Because Steve is in spite of all this a basically coherent character that you would be able to recognize, the way you’re able to recognize The Doctor in a new regeneration, or Castiel working in a coffee shop, or a piece of fanart of a podcast character. Here are some attributes Steve always has, whether he’s a baker or a robot or a dragon: --tragically, no, he’s not an actual catboy in most settings, but he always has some animal attribute, even if it’s only a kitty ear headband or facepaint whiskers or something --he likes cooking and dancing and rolling around in the dirt outside  --he is an Italian, and a deliberately stereotypical one, in every universe where Italy exists; in every universe where Italy does not exist he still talks with his hands and eats garlic and has an Italian accent but everyone is just like oh I guess that’s just how he is? --his facial features and such look as similar as possible throughout the AUs and you’ll see them below but I MUST also note that he is 1) a very pudgy boy, with fat reserves fit for the survival of much hardship, 2) strong enough to snap essentially any human person in half like a twig, no matter the universe, and the third thing is something I decided just now not to tell anyone because it’s sort of specific and bringing it up would probably make it seem like I have a weird fetish, which of course I don’t have! what part of this character so far could possibly be a weird fetish! certainly no more than 86% --his parents are abusive because I’d already given all the actually interesting and original backstories to other characters and that was the only one left for him, oops --he has dyslexia and forgets things a lot and often mixes up words and hyper-empathizes and has a disordered attachment style but out of all the wondrous weird and terrifying worlds he exists in, few of them have invented therapists, and even in the ones that have, they never really figure out what’s wrong with him; this is on purpose, because I, personally, wanted representation for people who have never even gotten the satisfaction of finding out exactly what’s wrong with us, because I’ve found there are a lot of us out there --he is a Pisces, an Enneagram type 2, and a bisexual; I’m only two out of those three things so no one’s allowed to yell at me about this --he has a special ability to be shipped with basically any other character possible, but most of the time he ends up with two people in the end: Angel, a beautiful boy without mercy, and Joanna, a stoned messiah And with that we’re stopping for now because I stayed up all night making this post and if I don’t post it immediately I’m going to read it over and rightly decide no one should ever see it and then go lie down and wish I were dead. Anyways I can’t draw but I can make horrible things using other ppl’s Picrews so here are some images of the boy to deal this post a killing blow:

(here are the picrew sources! I especially recommend this one (bottom left) because it has the largest array of different skintones which is a VERY important thing that we NEED to encourage picrew artists to provide more of!!!)  So that’s all. I wrote and deleted a paragraph of embarrassment below this but just know this is super lowkey and casually the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Thanks for letting me do it. If you have any thoughts about Steve, know that you’re officially the second person in existence ever to have thoughts about this idea. I hope that fact makes you feel super cool and special, because Steve and I think you are really super cool and special and awesome and kindhearted and beautiful. <3

[ladyruin]

No one's gonna see this. I'm just doing this to provide myself some sort of catharsis, but like... I'm drowning. I have no hope. I am lost.

It may be exacerbated by the fact that I've gotten not so great sleep this past week and a half, but I'm sitting at my full-time job rn just trying to reign in my feelings again to where I don't break down and cry at work for the second night in a row. Why? Because I can't afford to be self sufficient despite working full-time, despite making above minimum wage. I dropped out of college bc my mental health tanked. It got better once I got a job like, a year and a half after that, but it's tanking again as a realize that mostly because of that student debt I have, I can't be self sufficient and move out of my parent's house like I want. I'm stuck living with a parent that has left me with mental scars, while the other who was my rock moved about 40 minutes away. While we're both happy that she was able to get away from him and is overall happier for it, she feels guilty that she had to leave me behind. And I am sad I don't get to see my mother who's like my best friend as often as I want or sometimes need to.

I feel pathetic for saying that. But I'm not sorry for it.

I've noticed that my breakdowns at work are slowly getting closer and closer together. Because now I feel like I'm going to end up crying for the second night in a row because I feel trapped. It reminds me of what my sister said a couple months ago as a joke, "How would you know? You're not a real adult." I'm 24 in two weeks. I am an adult. It's a tasteless, gate-keepy joke. I immediately got upset and told her that I didn't enjoy her joke, and she at least apologized, but that doesn't change the way she thinks about me. It makes me think that she sees me as just a lazy leech. Just because I didn't work two part time jobs like she did. For about 2 months before she quit. She's literally told me, when I was just trying to look for support when talking to her, that I wasn't working hard enough and I need to work two jobs like she did. And that I have it easier because I'm not married. She added the married part bc I told her I was a bit jealous she was married bc she had someone there who could both emotionally and at least partially financially support her while I had none of that. I was alone. And she went off on me. The one time I reached out to her for support and she threw my insecurities back in my face and beat me with them.

I haven't really talked to her since.

I'm stuck at this job that's far from my home because it pays above minimum wage and doesn't trigger my anxiety all that much. I try to job hunt occasionally, but not only is it demoralizing, it's highly triggering for me. Don't ask me why. It just is. So I have to do it in very small spurts. I can't afford land, I can't afford a mortgage, I can't afford living expenses... I can't afford anything I need as a single person.

And no, on the off chance that someone does see this, I'm not explaining why I can't just try and find an apartment. Just know it's animal related.

So, I am kinda of trying to go back into therapy. But it's hard because my first experience wasn't good. I first went a few months after I dropped out of college. And my therapist was just... Not understanding a thing I was trying to tell her. I didn't have the word to properly explain why my dad made me feel bad. Just that I did and certain things he did that just wasn't right. completely ignored me. Told me that my dad just relied on me and completely did not see or ignored the fact that I was basically telling her that my dad would continually use my fear of him to manipulate me to get me to do what he wanted. Which were chores that his golden boy essentially told him no to. It got to the point where my dad gave up asking my brother to do anything and he just went straight to me. My father emotionally abused me, and my family, for years. The sad thing is that my mom and I have been the only people to clearly see and call him out on his narc bullshit (even if my mom was a bit late to the party).

My father doesn't really try the things he used to before, but that doesn't erase the trauma. Even if he will never acknowledge it, I will never forget. I still get on edge at times when I hear him outside my bedroom door, and the only way I feel safe is by locking all my doors.

He probably doesn't know why I do that.

My mom certainly didn't until I told her why I had started doing that.

I think she cried when I told her. I don't remember.

It's funny how my brain, like some other people's brain, forgets things to cope with stress. That's at least one thing my old therapist did acknowledge. She said it was something she watched for.

I do hope one day I'll have the means to leave. Maybe that'll give me the distance to finally maybe love my father again like I used to when I was little. Maybe it won't. But I'm realizing that even if my father doesn't treat me like how he used to, that house is still toxic for me. It's... Hard to explain why, but for those who have been through similar or worse things (god forbid) know what I mean.

If for whatever reason people actually see this, read this, know I'm going to see about turning comments off for this post. If you want to talk to me, you can DM me I guess. But know that when I'm like this, I'm very reclusive. I may not reply. And I'm sorry. I can barley keep up with myself right now.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, thanks for reading my ramble. I'm goin to try and... Decompress now. Goat cuddles do help, but they don't live where I work. Haha

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: [screenshot of a totally acceptable amount of messages from Isabelle] Jac: 😩😩😩 Jac: She is so mentally exhausting Savannah: The girl needs more extracurricular activities Savannah: netball is just not doing enough for her Jac: Seriously Jac: what sort of uni does she think she'll get into with that lack of variety 🙄🙄 Jac: never mind how boring it'll make her seem to any potential friends or boyfriends when she gets there, IF she gets there Savannah: do you think she'll even go, when she can't get into any of our choices? Savannah: she's so not ready to cut ties with you Jac: Honestly, I don't even know Jac: like, that is SO much pressure on me Jac: she doesn't even realize that, I swear Jac: or she doesn't care 🤷 Savannah: It's like having another little sister sometimes, I don't know how you've coped with her for so long Savannah: you're an actual living saint Jac: You're the saint for saving me ❤❤❤ Savannah: Isabelle drove Amelia away with all the pressure she puts on her friendships Savannah: I had to meet you & save you Jac: She did Jac: don't get me wrong, Meels could be hard work too but at times, I'd rather be on her side Jac: it's crazy how isolated I let her get me, you don't think badly of me, do you? Savannah: 😔 do you miss her, boo? 😢 Savannah: I think badly of Is for doing that to you Jac: I don't need either of them, I've got you Jac: neither of them can compete, or like anyone else we go to school with Jac: it happened so slowly, then all at once Jac: we need to think of a way to distract her Savannah: My heart! 🥰 You're the force for everything good in my life, I swear to god Savannah: I've got you, baby girl, what we need to do is find her a man who'll stay Savannah: Let me get Ty's phone Jac: You are the only thing from this life I'm taking with me into my actual life I'm gonna have Jac: when we get out of this place and make something of ourselves Savannah: ^^^👏 Yes Jac: 🤔 Who's lowkey dumb enough Jac: dumb might be harsh but like, he's gonna have to put up with A LOT to wanna, no offense 😂 Savannah: I'm not judging, you've known her longer than I have Savannah: & she's made sure you know her better too Jac: It's so juniors of her Jac: like of all the people who don't deserve that treatment ➡ you, the sweetest angel ever Jac: the possessiveness, just because we met like first day of school, doesn't mean we've got to live and die together now Jac: especially if you're not gonna grow with me, babe Savannah: It's fine, I can be the bigger person here Savannah: we both understand that the universe was not ready to put me on the same path as you the second that school started, even if she doesn't Savannah: she doesn't date black boys which is going to wipe out half of this list, not speculating wildly like that fact is related to why we're not BFFs though 🤫 Jac: 👑❤ Jac: I'm all about who's made the most positive change in my life, not who's been in it the longest, not sorry about that Jac: only 😎 colourblind if you're light enough Jac: the levels of problematic Jac: speaking of, who's that guy, the one who was BEYOND wasted at the last party? Savannah: She's scared of change, I feel bad for her, because we all know that's her mum trying to keep her childish Savannah: OH! 🙌 Carter Savannah: You're a genius Savannah: they can be problematic together and leave the rest of us out of it Jac: When you and your mother both need to get a hobby 😏 Jac: Right, though? Jac: Would that not be perfect Savannah: honestly! Savannah: he's at EVERY party, as long as Is doesn't have too many shots too early again Savannah: 💘👼🏻 Jac: and he's a sporty guy too Jac: like I would NEVER 😷 Jac: but she's SO welcome Savannah: When you go back two or three years & his name's on literally every 🏆🏆🏆 Savannah: OH MY GOD! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT TY'S TOLD ME THIS SECOND Jac: ?????? Savannah: I'm shouting because his parents are going away THIS weekend 🙏 it's perfect Savannah: & of course I will sacrifice the precious alone time we could've had if it means you get some away from her Jac: 🌌🪐☄️☀️ timing Jac: you don't mind? ❤ Savannah: I don't know why he's only telling me now when there's no way he found out a second ago himself but I couldn't love him more for helping us make this happen so he's forgiven Savannah: it's fate baby, how could I mind? Good things happen every time I trust in that Savannah: She'll let you dress her, won't she? Jac: That's men for you Jac: can't say useless when they clearly have some but 🤭 bless Jac: If I commit to a shopping trip Jac: she keeps asking Jac: it'll be tiresome but worth it in the long run Savannah: He does not appreciate the recovery time on a wax when your skin is as sensitive as mine is, but that's a venting session for another day 🙄 Savannah: I'll obviously come with, unless you think that'll make it worse Jac: 🙄 How are more boys not genius level intelligent Jac: the amount of time they don't have to spend worrying about the things we do, and they're out here putting it to waste Jac: we would never, could never 💅 Jac: Of course I want you to come Jac: but we know she'll be in a better mood to party if I give her my undivided attention 🙄 Savannah: SO true Savannah: I'll give him mine then, make sure he's also in the mood to party Savannah: I can't handle a sulk, he looks too adorable, it makes me die Jac: 🙏 we need your free, boy Jac: get on board or I swear, I'm gonna lose it with her fully 😵��😰 Savannah: we can lose her in his parents' sauna, hang in there 👼🏻 Jac: if we can make use before because I won't be getting in there after them 😷🤢 Savannah: You have to come over early anyway because my hair is a law onto itself right now & I will have a breakdown if Ty tells me to be natural one more time Savannah: can you not 👮 me, boy Savannah: I need to look beautiful for myself as well as you Jac: Self-love is so much more important Jac: I got you Savannah: if you don't see us at this party it's because we're arguing Savannah: I can feel it coming Jac: 😬 Jac: You know I'll cover for you, goes without saying Jac: is he like, under some kind of extra pressure rn, like what's his deal? Savannah: he insists he's not but he wouldn't ever normally jump down my throat for asking Savannah: so, like, you don't have to be a wannabe psychology student to realise there's something Jac: I think boys will remain a mystery, even when we get our PhDs Jac: A party will make him feel better Jac: it's clearly not about you though, you're the perfect girlfriend Savannah: I could cry Savannah: maybe I should just go home Jac: Honey Jac: Tell me where you need me to be Savannah: [a very them location] Jac: I'm there, babe ❤ Jac: Is there anything you need beside a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, obviously Savannah: take my phone when you get here so I don't contact him until I'm less of a wreck Jac: Duh Jac: nothing but totally composed, fully logical, 🧠 led texts only Jac: you are so NOT that girl Savannah: I don't want to be but I've got that child of divorce neediness now Savannah: I can't even blame him, I would NOT date me Jac: Don't even Jac: You are incredible Jac: a force of nature Jac: he's lucky to have you Savannah: You know how much I love you, right? Savannah: it's off any scale Jac: Of course, it's exactly how much I love you Jac: 👭🔥 Savannah: I swear to god, if we get Isabelle a man & I end up single, I will have to run away though Jac: No way Jac: he knows his luck, for his sins Savannah: I've given him way too much power to hurt me with by loving him as much as I do Savannah: I'm so lucky I also have you Savannah: & you would never Jac: It's all about trust Jac: and it's rare that you find anyone you can fully give your trust too in your life Jac: never mind multiple people Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: my parents didn't have it & they were together for like two decades Jac: It's sad Jac: so many people do and will settle for less Jac: I can't imagine how, honestly Savannah: you're on a different level to everyone else I've ever met Savannah: the word settle doesn't exist for you Jac: but you have to remember, you're on that level too Jac: I won't let you forget Jac: or settle Savannah: I'm scared that I've put all this energy into the wrong things Jac: You said it best, the universe knows what it's doing Jac: what you're ready for and what you're not, put your trust in it Jac: if this is meant to be more, it will be, if it's meant to be a teaching moment to make you an even better person, then it will be Savannah: you're BEYOND right Savannah: & you can never leave me, even if he does Jac: I never will Jac: I KNOW we're meant to be Savannah: Me too Savannah: my dad has shaken my faith in literally everything else but not us Jac: We're different Jac: we've known each other forever, I think Jac: countless past lives, and we're gonna keep knowing each other Jac: we're meant to do something big together, I can feel it Savannah: I feel too connected to you for that not to be true Jac: It is Jac: Whatever else, you can count on that, forever Savannah: you've made everything better Savannah: in this moment and all the rest Jac: That's what I'm here for Savannah: I'm supposed to also be here for you & I haven't asked how you are Savannah: SO selfish Savannah: Am I turning into Isabelle? Jac: your hair is not THAT wrecked, please 😏 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I'm never getting it THAT flat Jac: Bless her Jac: if she'd lay off the highlights Savannah: we need to sit her down for a deep condition Jac: We could invite her to pre party prep... 🤔 Savannah: every day beforehand 😄 Jac: She's gonna need it Jac: ideally we'd have longer to do a full detox but you know Savannah: Even Ty agrees that we've got our hands full Savannah: he says Carter's too old for her 🤭 Jac: We all agree she could do with growing up a bit Jac: not that he isn't as immature 🙄 Jac: perfect couple 🚨 Savannah: when you went out with Eli he didn't say a word & he was the same age 💅 Jac: It's all down to her mum Jac: she's coddled her to the degree Is just gives off this PROTECT ME vibe Jac: Ty don't even know why Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: he thought she was a virgin still, it was so cute, baby boy no Jac: If everyone knew her how we do 👀🍵 Savannah: Enough about Is, who are you bringing & what are you wearing? Jac: [sends outfit options] Jac: 'cos lord knows all my attention will HAVE to go on her outfit when we go on this shopping trip Savannah: Oh you just have to go with the first one! I'm in LOVE Savannah: not even looking at the others, sorry Jac: 🤭🥰 that's decided then Jac: who I want to bring or if, is another question entirely Savannah: What about Cillian? I obviously don't mean the one in our year 🚫🚫🚫 Jac: He has potential Jac: did he go out with Sammy in our year though? Savannah: She asked him & he politely declined Jac: 😏 That makes him more promising Savannah: he doesn't date girls that aren't in his own year but I know he'd reconsider if you wanted him to Jac: you have the best ideas Savannah: He noticed when you got that mention in assembly, that was all you 🧠✨ Jac: At least he should be able to hold a conversation too then Savannah: I've heard him debate, he's really impressive Jac: Are you sure you don't wanna ask him, boo? 🤫🤭 Savannah: 😳 Jac: You totally like him Savannah: I can look & sometimes I do, don't judge me Jac: No judgment here Jac: it sounds like you have lots in common Savannah: We've attended a few of the same university lectures Jac: and he's cute Jac: I won't ask him Savannah: nothing's ever going to happen between me & him, so you should, if you think he's cute Jac: you can't say never Jac: who knows what the universe has in store for your future Savannah: Do you think Ty's going to end it? Jac: Of course not Jac: I don't think Ty will get into Uni Jac: you know it'll be different, especially when you get into your first choice and have to move away Savannah: His parents want him to stay here & he hasn't said he won't Jac: It takes a certain kind of man to follow 'round a girl Jac: and honestly, 'cos you know I'm always going to tell you how it is, because I care about you, okay? Jac: is that the sort of man you want, anyway Jac: what is his plan, after school Savannah: He doesn't believe in committing to a long term plan, besides us staying together, of course Savannah: you know I used to love that about him, because it's like he's the missing, more relaxed part of me Savannah: but lately the differences feel exhausting Jac: And that's now Jac: when you live in the same town, and see each other at least 5 days of the week without needing to do anything, put any effort in Jac: I just worry that the commitment-phobe is gonna jump out when it isn't that easy for him Savannah: oh god Jac: I could be wrong Jac: but I never want to keep anything from you Jac: even if it's hard to hear Savannah: Nobody knows me better than you Savannah: or has seen more of us as a couple Savannah: you're saying it because it needs to be said Jac: 😔 Jac: I am Jac: the last thing you need is to be blindsided by it Savannah: I can't go through that kind of heartbreak again, me & my dad still aren't talking Jac: You've had to be strong enough already Jac: like, he needs to think about what he wants, be clear with his intentions, you deserve that Jac: even if he isn't about making plans for himself, you can't live your life beholden to his lack of, it's not fair Savannah: This isn't a discussion I can have with him in [wherever they are] Savannah: 😢 Jac: Of course not Jac: your response would be beyond emotional Jac: you need to collect your thoughts first Savannah: Can I stay with you? Home is totally chaotic & I obviously can't stay at his Jac: You don't even need to ask Jac: there's always a place for you at mine Savannah: Thank you Jac: Jude isn't here and I can always make Jameson leave too Jac: not that they'll bother us Jac: total calm is needed Savannah: until Is decides she needs something Jac: 📴 Jac: she'll have to cope without me for five minutes Jac: you're so more important than any of her faux drama could ever be Savannah: It's going to be so embarrassing to have to share any of this with her Savannah: I can't Jac: You don't have to Jac: it's none of her business Jac: and you don't know yet, Ty might prove himself Savannah: what would I do without you? Jac: That's one question you don't need to worry about ❤ Savannah: We can still have the party, I'm not trying to ruin your life or that plan Jac: Oh, I don't care about that Jac: I just want you to feel better Jac: we can think about that later Savannah: I want the same for you though Savannah: I care that she's raising your stress levels daily Jac: I'll feel better when you do, I swear Savannah: this is going to make me sound awful but I think we have to still have the party because if we don't, he'll want to spend time with me anyway Savannah: & I'd rather have you there until I know what to do Jac: No, that's totally fair Jac: I'm more than down to go ahead Jac: project management will be a great distraction at any rate, and we can spend our Isabelle free hours actually talking about your plan going forward Savannah: I just can't lead him on by pretending everything's normal when it's not, you know? Jac: No, you don't want to lie Jac: that's not going to help anyone, and you owe it to yourself as well as him to remain as honest as you always are Savannah: I'm so glad you understand Jac: Always Savannah: I love him so much & I want him to be happy Savannah: but I can't sacrifice the future I have planned, I'd end up resenting him & it would eventually fall apart however hard I try Jac: Exactly Jac: it's about the people you're going to be, as well as the people you are now Jac: sometimes you have to harm to help, that's just facts Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'd have to stop growing & I'm not going to do that Jac: And you aren't saying he isn't going to grow too Jac: but you might need to acknowledge you aren't growing in the same directions Savannah: it hurts my heart that he could be growing away from me but it'll hurt us both more if I refuse to see it Savannah: we could get married & have babies, then we're a variation on who my parents are Savannah: my dad is a black male stereotype & he's made me a statistic, that's bad enough Jac: I get it, both my granddad's are the worst, actually Jac: they may as well not exist, honestly Jac: You're way too smart and wonderful to get stuck into that cycle Savannah: A bare minimum of what I want for my life is to break it Jac: ^^ Jac: Me too Jac: God knows it is overdue Savannah: I wish we had Is' privilege but that isn't who we are Jac: I could shake her Jac: she has no idea how easy she has it Savannah: 👏

[rhabakoli]

Infinite White - 8

The text Fenja translates is the letter Gandalf writes about Aragorn (i think to Frodo? not sure rn), per @finnickfoxes request. And since I am a true dumbass, I actually translated it myself, instead of just look it up. But I like my version better anyway. 

Previous chapters here.

Trigger warning: space talk. Anyone disagreeing with me will be blocked. 

Taglist:@dreamwritesimagines @i-am-always-famished @marauderskeeper @superwolfchild-fan @thescarsweleave @cgn-99 @alicedopey @alwaysadreamingoptimist @atlas-of-the-world @finnickfoxes @rmwest9 (i’m just gonna tag u now, scream if you don’t want to) 

**

“So, how’s his family? Did they suspect anything?”, Maeve asked. They were carrying their trays to their usual table, finally catching up with each others lifes. 

“They are nice. A bit touchy. His uncle asked me if I know UNO, and then he kinda… welcomed me to the family?”, Fenja answered and then shrugged. 

“They have quite a low standard to meet. They’d love you.” Maeve gave her a sour look, kicking at her. “You’re lucky my hands are full.” Her friend just grinned cheekily and dodged her half-assed attack. The mensa was filled with chatter, the sounds of dishes clattering and the occasional discussion escalating. “And did they say anything about your breakdown?” Maeve sat across her, cracking open her coke and taking a sip. “No, I don’t think they know.” Fenja halted, then looked up at her roommate. “Well, I think his mom might know. But she didn’t say anything.” Mave nodded and took a bite from her lunch. “That’s good, isn’t it?” Fenja shrugged, gaze focused on her plate. “As long as I don’t have to explain it to everyone, I’m fine.” “I think your man will be glad to do it for you, if you asked.” Fenja carefully tasted her soup, trying not to burn her tongue. Then, as she processed the words, she raised an eyebrow at Maeve. “Who?” “Ragnar.” “Ah.” She smacked her lips together, blissed out expression on her face. “Goddamn, that soup is delicious.” Suddenly, her spoon came up, pointing across the table, almost threatening. “Also, he’s not ‘my man’, where even did you get that from?” “He’s not?” “Nah.” Maeve shrugged, then ogled the bread on Fenja’s tray. “Can I have some?”

**

The lecture hall was packed, every single seat taken. Some poor souls were even sitting on the stairs, eager to listen in and maybe find some validation, and inspiration - who are we kidding, mainly they just wanted to hear that it would be worth it all and it’d get better. Fenja was sitting all the way up, last row, glad to even have found a seat. Half the literature department was here, some journalism majors too. “I heard she’s only doing this, because her husband is a Ragnarsson. Otherwise she’d never have gotten the spot.” Fenja scoffed, as she pulled out pen and paper, ready to take notes. Unfortunately, her neighbours heard her and turned. “You have something to say, honey?” Her eyes grew round, she twisted in her seat and shook her head. “No, sorry, I just misheard. I thought you said she only got the lecture because her husband’s a Ragnasson.” “Well, I did.” The guy leaned his forearm onto the back of his seat, his body angled towards her, chest puffed like a bird ready to dance. His friend mirrored him, twirling her thick long hair around her finger, smirking. “Which doesn’t make sense, to be honest. She’s been holding lectures and seminars even before she’d met him, so implying she’d need the help of a rich man is not only wrong, but also degrading to her, her achievements and other authors and writers that have made it by themselves.” He wanted to throw another comment in, probably just as entitled and ignorant as his first, when Fenja raised a hand to stop him. “I’m not interested in fumbled comebacks dragged from your misogynistic fathers mouth, so, let’s leave it be, yes?” “Listen, bitch-” “You better think of a new beginning for that sentence, because I can promise you this is not going to end well for you. I know for a fact that the dean is quite the feminist, and he does not tolerate such behaviour at all. I’d pull my head out of my bum, if I were you, because your view on the world is growing a bit old, don’t you think?” He opened and closed his mouth, looked like a fish on the dry, skin flushing. His friend was looking on with big eyes, absolutely shocked anyone would talk to him like that. “You will regret this-” He finally found his voice, anger radiating off him. Fenja sighed. “Listen, you educationally handicapped amoeba. I am not going to regret this, even if it gets me into trouble. Because I know for a fact, while I will have to sit through a serious conversation on properly handling my anger, you’ll have to face an angry dean about the way you view women and I bet you’ll get to go to a couple very educating lectures, which I doubt you’ll get credit for.” They now had enough, they were storming off, the girl tutting over him, while he almost rammed into Ragnar, who took a step to the side and watched them go. “Hey.” He gestured over his shoulder, into the direction the two asshats were fleeing. “What was that?” Fenja shrugged and sat properly, facing forward. Some of the professors were gathered by the podium, talking. She tried to get a good view, but a rather tall professor was in the way. Wait. She knew that back from somewhere. Also, that manbun beat her in UNO just last week. Ragnar sat next to her, typing away on his phone, when she poked him violently. He really felt that, even through the fluffy sweater he wore. Gods, did she have pointy fingers. He hastily grabbed her wrist, holding it so she couldn’t attack him again. “What?” “Is that your Uncle?” He followed her line of sight, chuckling. “Yep.” “What’s he doing here?” “He’s teaching, princess. He’s specialized on Viking history and Nordic religions.” He laughed at her face. Her mouth stood open, eyebrows raised and her breath left her with a silent “oh.” “By the way. Auntie asked me to tell you, that she’s in town all week, and I am supposed to drag you to dinner, so you can meet her.” Now, that really got her attention. “What?” She pointed down to the podium, where a small, dainty woman assumed position and straightened her papers. “You mean that auntie? The amazing, famous author/Journalist?” “Yep.” He’d really get himself bitch-slapped one day, if he continued to play down such important, impactful events. Fenja flailed in her seat, almost falling out of it. “You can’t just - what, I -” Ragnar caught her arm, pulling her back up like it was nothing. “Calm down. How about dinner this friday. Whole family will be there.” “Is that supposed to help me? In any way?”, she asked, her tone suggesting how it definitely did not help. “Bear too.” He grinned at her, chuckling at the speed at which her expression - her whole demeanor, really - shifted. “Okay.”

Down at the podium, Gala cleared her throat and welcomed them, introduced herself and explained why she was holding his lecture. Ragnar knew all of this, he had only come up here to deliver his aunts message. But Fenja was so cute, all attentive, eager to soak up whatever knowledge his aunt decided to share. How she sat there, focused, scribbling down notes and questions for later. She did it on seperate sheets, organized and thought-out. He watched her profile, let his eyes roam over her figure, how she was wrapped into a hoodie at least two sizes too big, how she had a foot up on the seat, and an arm wrapped around her knee, leaning into it. How she ran the flat of her thumb’s nail over her lower lip, - left, right, left again - lips slightly parted. He licked his lips, swallowing and then promptly snapped himself out of it. Shaking his head over his creepy staring and suddenly, uh… not-friendly mood, he turned to watch Gala talk about the struggles of writing, writer’s block and solutions that helped in her experience. The lecture took about an hour, with a Q&A session added. Here too, Fenja listened closely, checking questions already answered and noting them down. Ragnar caught himself staring again. He always had felt the need to kinda protect her, keep her close, in his arms, but- oh boy. Oooooh. He leaned back against the chair, crossed his arms and stubbornly stared ahead, until his aunt excused them and everyone was leaving. He’d have to talk to someone about this. Crap. Someone help him. He must have made a sound, because Fenja looked over, concern on her face. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah, I’m good.”

** “Okay, so, I’ve got some examples I need you to translate, please.”  Ingrid laid down papers in front of Fenja and sat. “We’re gonna implement this in the program, we need to get clear on pronunciation and grammar and stuff.”  Fenja looked down at the paper, then back at Ingrid. “That’s your example?”  “Yep.” This whole family, for real.   “Uh, you’re not gonna get accurate, actually used German that way, right?” It’s from Lord Of The Rings. The hell.  “It’s not about that, it’s just an example, a start. It’s about the words, not what it means in context.”  She nodded, then held her hand out for a pen. “You want me to do it on paper?”” Now it was Ingrids turn to shrug. “However you’d like, doesn’t make a big difference.”

It didn’t take Fenja too long to translate it, even when using old German, plush and polished words, to keep the feeling of the original. She caught Ingrid’s attention, as she put her pen down and leaned back in her chair. They were seated in the Ragnarsson library, spread all over the place with school stuff, research, Fenja’s papers for her essays and Ingrid’s paperwork for the Linguae Populi. “You wanna read it?”, the girl asked, and promptly put her chin into her hands, abandoning her work.  “Sure.” Fenja cleared her throat and took a deep breath.   In a sure, but soft tone, she read aloud:

“Nicht alles das Gold, funkelt; Nicht alle die wandern, verloren; Alt und stark nicht verdunkelt; Wurzeln in Tiefe nicht erfroren; Feuer aus Asche entsteht, wie Licht entspringt dem Schatten; Soll zerbarste Klinge nun heilen, Krone wieder auf Königs Haupte weilen.”

Fenja felt slightly uncomfortable under Ingrid's attentive gaze; she raked her fingers through her hair and looked down at the paper. “It's probably not perfect, and certainly not even close to the original translation, but I tried.” The girl stopped her immediately, waving a hand through the air and shaking her head adamantly. “no I'm sure it's absolutely fine.” “Sounded fine to me.”, Came from the door. “Dad!” Ingrid uncurled her legs, bound over to her father like a puppy and dove into his arms for a big old hug. “I didn't know you'd be home today! I thought you had a work trip to Ontario?” Ivar stroked his daughter's head as he looked down at her. “I sent your Uncle instead. Gala has some business there, so he'd have gone there anyway.” Piercing blue eyes fixed Fenja ij her seat, while Ingrid took her fathers free arm and pulled him over. “You speak german?” Fenja nodded, intimidated and shy. “My family came over during the war, and they never let anyone lose touch to their roots. They expect you to be fluent in german.” Ingrid pulled the paper with the translation over and showed him. “That's from Lord of the rings. She's a nerd.” “Then you must like her, no? Two peas in a pod?” He grinned playfully, his calm exterior and the way he bantered with his kid, put her at ease. He wasn't bad, in any way. He was just so… tall, and broad, and had this very hard and cold aura, if he wanted to. They talked for a while. Ivar asked her more about her family, if they came before the war, or if they lived through the harsh times there. Fenja tried to answer, even taught him a couple of words and phrases when he asked for it. Turns out, the big bad Ivar Ragnarsson was a very curious and eager-to-please puppy dog. Now it was obvious, where this part of Ragnar came from. Those two were so much alike.

**

Ragnar was minding his own business, concentrating on his work, as a body fell into the spot next to his and a phone was shoved into his face. “LOOK AT THIS!” He did. “What am I looking at?” Fenja grinned, eyes alight with excitement, her whole body vibrating with restless energy. “That's a photograph of a black hole!” She sounded so proud, you'd think she made it. Without having to prompt her, she started into an extended rant, explaining how and when, how big it was (very), and how she really wanted to go visit it (so damn much), and how it looked like Sauron’s eye (It really did, wow), and ‘what if there is some kind of alternate universe where hobbits exist and the black hole is actually a way to go there, or to look into other universes?!’ “You want to visit a black hole.” “Yep.” “You think it’s a way to an alternate Hobbit universe?” “Yep.” Ragnars eyes were skipping over her face, taking in the scrunched nose as she smiled, the tousled hair from her run over, the healthy color of her face, the twinkle in her eyes. She was so cute, this excited. So open, so warm. It was a glimpse of how she could have been, if her parents had survived; she'd be way less inclined to shut others out. He also noticed how close she was. Her arm was wrapped around his biceps, her front pressed into his side as she leaned against him, essentially hugging his arm, while she was still holding the phone up, her elbow on the desk in front of him, his forearm trapped under hers. “You’re crazy.”, he shook his head.  “That’s my best personality trait, that are you talking about?” “But I’m coming with you. No way you’re gonna survive there. Either you’ll eat yourself to death, or you set one foot there and collide with some monster.”  “It’s settled then.” She let go of his arm, laid her own arms and head on the table, face towards him. “Now the only things left are contact with aliens and society’s realization regarding Pluto’s wrong degradation from planet status.”  Ragnar knew better than to dive into that discussion. She was very passionate about space. Instead, he plucked a hair hanging from her lashes.  “But what if there are no aliens?”  Okay, he was weak. Don’t judge.  Fenja groaned, but didn’t move much. “People who honestly believe that we are the only ones out there, are either very stupid, ignorant, or just plain scared. I can respect scared cucumbers, because that means on some level at least they agree that we can’t be alone, that’s just not logical.”

They fell into a comfortable pattern, Fenja ranting, Ragnar working. Sometimes it was the other way around, sometimes it was almost completely silent between the two of them. It was like a bubble, a safe haven on campus. Other students usually tended to avoid the two of them, because rants could happen just about any time, and those two got really passionate, including flailing arms and sometimes even thrown pens. So, their table was a corner-table, but other than them, there were no others in close vicinity. 

No one wanted to be part of… whatever they had.

**

Part 9

[kazmorosov]

|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

[aro-ace-advice]

hi rina (firstly i love your blogs theme ahh it’s so pretty!!) so, for my whole school ‘career’ I’ve barely revised/not revised at all for tests etc (btw I’m not in America) but now I’m doing actual important exams. I’m almost done and they’ve actually been going good (idk how or why but my brain retains information pretty easily?? v helpful) but bc I’ve never revised in the past idk how now. I feel like I don’t really /need/ to and anyway I don’t have the motivation or concentration (1/?)

to do ‘proper’ revision anyway (possibly bc of mental health problems) and it’s a bit late now anyway. so ofc I’ve been using time between exams to chill bc anxiety never sleeps and it keeps me distracted. /but/ my parents don’t seem to get any of this, and bc of said anxiety I end up looking back at exams and thinking ‘shit did I actually do ok? I bet I’ve actually failed’ even if ik it’s not true, and then when I tell my parents ‘I think I did ok lmao’ they’re like ‘you /think/?? That’s not good enough!!’ I’m actually rly stressed so chilling is good for my brain to switch off, but my parents keep saying I’m being lazy, eg “you have loads of time to look for a job rn you’re not revising so why don’t you?” and also telling me I’m costing them a lot with buses and textbooks etc. I already feel like shit bc of stress, and I feel like I can’t talk to them or friends (also exam stressed) but I’m getting more n more stuck in my own head. any advice? sorry it’s so long :// -💜

hey there (and thank you!! i chose green bc i heard it was a calming color and i thought it would be easy on y’all’s stressed out selves, i’m glad that you like it!) i’m the same way, revising and studying was never something i did or really learned how to do, and i never really felt like i needed it anyways. if you don’t need to do it, it’s fine. i’d recommend having a different study method in case you ever do find yourself needing a bit of a refresher, just in case.

using your extra time to chill is perfectly fine. i understand the need for a lot of chill time due to anxiety, it really is very restless and tiring. i know that you’re not doing it out of laziness, but i know this from experience. your parents do not. my parents didn’t either for a long time, but one night i had a full anxious breakdown in front of my mom who had no idea that i’d gotten that bad and things changed, they started giving me more space and less jibes about being lazy and it helped. i’m not saying you should have a mental breakdown in front of your parents, i’m just wondering if maybe there’s a way you could sit them down and explain to them why it is you’ve been taking a lot of down time lately. if they’re the understanding type, it might help them lay off a bit! i’m sure they’re just wanting you to succeed, but pressure like that isn’t always helpful if you’re not the kind of person that handles it well. if that doesn’t work, you could always change how you talk to them about it. like when they ask you how you did, just say you know you did good (even if your anxiety says otherwise) so that they won’t tell you that’s not good enough. i wouldn’t advise lying, though. tried that once and got my ass handed to me when my parents found out, because it kind of all spiraled out of control. also, buses don’t cost a lot of money so don’t feel bad about it next time they bring that up. i’m pretty sure it’s still cheaper than gas money (it is here in america anyways idk about where you are). if you need someone to talk to and you truly feel your friends aren’t available, i am always here :)

[another-anxious-elphie]

Elphie’s Emotion Hour

My Facebook isn’t the proper place for this rant but I need to let all this out (and hey isn’t that why I got back on Tumblr anyway?)

I’m not gonna reread or edit this so sorry.

Also I’m sorry for clogging the tags with this post. I tagged it for my personal records so if you’re in the fandom I’m sorry just keep scrolling...

Long Personal Rant Ahead ft. Penny Dreadful

Before we start, I want to note that a lot of this sounds crazy. I speak of fandoms as if they were totally real. The reason I do this is because they represent things that are very real in my life that I have no other way to put a name/face to. I promise y’all that I’m sane. I know what is reality and what is not, but talking about these things by using fiction-ary worlds/terms is incredibly helpful. 

Also ~~** I have not yet seen season 3 - spoil nothing **~~

And on to the point:

When I started watching the show it was scary to me. Not because it’s essentially a horror show, but I felt very dirty/nasty/vile for watching it. I don’t like to talk about my religion much, especially on places like Tumblr, because I know it will make some people distrust me, but when I started Penny Dreadful, it felt awful because the darkness of the show in relation specifically to religion and God/Satan.  But I’m in the Miss Peregrine’s [etc etc] fandom at the moment and I point-blank watched because of Eva. After being completely unsure about Vanessa - if I was even “allowed” (I use this term VERY loosely - I do not feel chained by my religion in any way) to like her -  after watching season 2 I can now say with every confidence I love her. 

As a proud Hufflepuff, I usually hate when my Ravenclaw side shows. While I know I am a Hufflepuff because I “choose” to be like Harry chose Gryffindor, I could and often do end up coming out as a Ravenclaw on paper. I know my heart and my soul belong in Hufflepuff and that the sorting hat takes this into account in a way no quiz/test/even human can do. Why talk about this? Because I have never had a Ravenclaw role model like Vanessa. i have never particularly gotten along with Ravenclaws in general. She is the first time I have known a Ravenclaw and not found them to be either unfeeling or full of themselves. It might not seem like a huge deal considering I identify as Hufflepuff, but having a Ravenclaw to look up to like  Vanessa is one of the most fucking comforting things I have experienced in a long time. 

Vanessa’s faith has also just fucking ended me. Last time I felt such a deep connection with God was when I studied Buddhism in college. The more I think or talk about religion of any kind, the more I believe in my God and His plans and His power and His love. Vanessa has literally faced the devil and won in the name of her God. This woman is ruthlessly hunted and possessed by the devil, surrounds herself with dark, unholy things on a regular basis, and regularly claims she believes her relationship with God has long since broken. But He never left her. And she - though she denies it - still believes in Him. He gave her the will to fight. He created her to be so strong that she can withstand even the most brutal attacks. Her spirit is more often under fire than her physical body, and He built her like a fucking panic room. 

She shows and feels kindness so deeply as well. She literally collected a gang of people willing to die to protect her just by existing and being honest with those around her. Which frankly is a thing I truly, truly hope I do. She never asks anything of them. Often she demands they do nothing. But the love they have built is also made to withstand anything and everything. 

And, on the incredibly basic level, I can identify with Vanessa not knowing how to find her place and the suffering that takes place in the wandering. Absolutely not the same way as Vanessa - not even CLOSE - but on that, again, basic way that all writers hope to achieve. You always want your characters to be relatable and human, and honestly you totally got me with Vanessa. Her struggle to constantly run from Satan is an echo of my struggle with depression. She’s tired of running. She just wants peace and friendship and safety. She will never be able to stop running. She is so young and has SO many years a head of her to fight this battle all the way. I’ve been having a very rough time lately with that part of my depression/anxiety.What I have will never go away. The rest of my whole life will be this roller coaster of ups and downs. Even in times of great content I will always be right balancing right on the edge of the next breakdown. All the love in the world can’t keep it away. Life will always be consistent  battles and the battles always suck. But fuck Vanessa owns that. 

I know I am strong. I’ve gotta be if i’m still here. I’ve gotta be because I don’t bury the truth, I face it. I made the decision a long time ago that understanding all this shit is stronger than pretending it’s not there. It hurts more, knowing that I’m forever “sick” with something that shouldn’t even be a sickness (a sickness is something that physically kills you or rots you, not an emotion). 

And I just really hope I can be as strong as Vanessa. 

Vanessa means a lot to me. 

And I don’t know if that’s because I’m going through a hard time rn or what, but I just love Vanessa Ives so fucking much. 

[labr4t]

long fucking mental health rant just dont recommend reading unless you really want to read like a short stories worth of suffering

i feel so guilty sometimes for not doing shit w my life because i was the first in my family to graduate hs in awhile and they all expected so much of me but here i am completely disconnected from all ambition i ever had younger me had so much hope and strength i no longer have she went through so much and i've never processed it all for fear of breaking i have a fucking breakdown if its too bright or i'm tired i dont even fucking remember most of my childhood or adolescence i dont fucking remember anything and i'm scared of remembering i just fucking crumbled under the weight of years of expectations and dreams  that i'm more childish than i was when i was an actual child. Its so pathetic if you think about it i was so capable and strong and its all fucking gone. I remember some pretty bad memories and the good memories i have all have this weird looming sense of dread attached to them i feel like there’s parts of me that i've totally cut off and destroyed just to cope with myself and how disappointed in myself its so fucking hard kind or loving without feeling like i'm being manipulative to make people like me. I try to put out that i dont care that i'm fucking abhorrent to people and i'm a fuckign asshole but i just wish i was born fucking normal i wish i could process things without being on the verge of being suicidal whenever i remember something harrowing i have fucking FAKE MEMORIES like what the fuck is wrong with me i have lied so much about myself because i DONT KNOW WHO I AM   while a lot of horrible shit has happened to me and i never had much friends i have come up with shit to try and rationalize why i'm so broken and cruel while also simultaneously being  fragile and needy and i just want validation after validation even if that means practically begging for people to talk to me or care about me because i have this fucking bitch in my head that tells me everything i've worked for in my life doesnt mean anything unless people think it does. There’s basically more than one of me at this point that i use to get the best reception.   The only people that i dont lie to are the people who know me too well. The people who see me and hear me that iCANT  lie to because it’d be obvious i'm being someone i'm not . and do any of those people like me very much? Probably not. At the most they pity me. The only things i know about myself are what people tell me literally most of my memories are just what i've been told. I don't feel like I was there for any of that. I've lost so many people that were close to me, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WERE WILLING TO GET CLOSE TO ME, mind you,  because i'm sure they were tired of me, and my bs. And i'll admit it , i  manipulated a couple of them a bit here and there and i've always took more than i gave and i feel so fuckign bad about it but i cant love people normally i'm all fucked up inside now and i'll never get those friendships back because i'm a liar and a freak and i've been so evil over the past few years and honestly i understand that a lot of ppl find me irredeemable because its fuckign true i’d always find myself getting jealous of the friends and love they had from others. How much better they were than me. Skinnier, nicer, more skilled, and more socially competent. I wanted to steal that from them. I wanted their full attention and care no matter what i had to say or do to myself. Sometimes love isnt enough for me and i want more and more and more until i've taken all i can get away with and they abandon me because i'm so much of a pain to be around because i would belittle them for their interests because i didn't want to them to have any i didn't or in anyway be able to get away from me. Of course thats fucked up that s wrong but i just always feel so empty. I don't feel like there’s anything inside of me. No personality, nothing. Not a lot of memories, just the hunger and need to feed off others for attention and love. I literally cannot handle being alone in any capacity and yet i fucking hate  being around others if that makes it so i feel alone around others. I want whoever i'm around to be  acknowledging me and me only or else i feel slighted for no reason. I'm just empty and broken and i cant fix myself and because i've always felt this way and its just eaten everything up that i had inside of me at this point. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont think its just depression or anxiety the doctors pin on me. I've hurt people. I've hurt myself and thats not good its so awful awful awful and i  dont know what to do with myself anymore and i'm scared and worried about the future because who knows how fucking sick i'll become or how bad itll be and i just want to know but i know i'll never get a helpful answer where i am rn so i guess i'll suffer a bit or even forever i know its improbable but i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you or scared you or manipulated you and you dont have to accept it but i just can’t rationalize in the moment and then its too late after i've recognized what i'm doing and its wrong i know but i cant help myself … i dont know where i'll be in the future but hopefully i get help because i can barely handle myself anymore

[jungkook97]

(pt 1) omg you dont have to answer this i dont want to give you anymore drama but my anxiety has been so bad these past few days because of this whole jiyong incident. Ive stanned him for 5 years and even tho hes made a lot of mistakes/fucked up alot, i still tried to see the good in him (like him supporting lgbtq, supporting the fight for aids, doing charity, just being an overall respectful and kind person to everyone)

But i felt like this was the last straw, because its not pure ignorance/lack of knowledge, its common sense. If your friend was abused, youd do everything to help them and get them away from their abuser. So when i saw what jiyong did, it broke my heart and i literally could not understand why he would do something like this. Like what benefit would he gain from letting that piece of shit come? Maybe its a misunderstanding, maybe its not . But everytime i scrolled on twitter, i looked at a pic of jiyong and i was fine but then suddenly i got so irritated and disgusted seeing him (and its never been to this extent) because i realized a voice in the back of my head would always remind me that jiyong is an abuse sympathizer. And i didn’t know what to do because i hate him but still love him at the same time, and i almost broke down. Like how the hell do you cope when the person youve loved for 5 years does something like this?

But then i found your blog. I scrolled way down and read everything about this incident with jiyong and (well first i love you for being the most rational vip ive ever seen and also acting like a mother we all deep down need, like insteading of yelling you comforted a lot of us) and second, you dont have to reply to this because (yikes) but your comforting made me find a middle ground, where i still love jiyong but i realize hes human and he’ll fuck up and i can still call him out for it. The reason is because you made a post on your blog calling out a group of gd stans that i follow on twitter and im so thankful that you did. I realized my disgust for him wasnt really directed toward him (well yes it was) but what disgusted me was the elitist gd stans that pretended like jiyong was innocent and attacked everyone that tried to call him out on it. And some of the girls on the list are really quite nice and actually suffer a lot too, so i was really pissed off and shocked when they literally tried justifying abuse/shutting down victims of abuse?? All because it’s jiyong??

They said not to meddle in his life because we dont know the full story, and that gd antis always try to bring him down when hes trying to do successful things (lmao thats literally bs since im a jiyong stan and literally no one ever brings him down, meanwhile no one gives a shit when it comes to seungri trying to branch out his business). They acted all high and mighty and thought they were in the right, and even thought they had a say in the fandom and said if you’re calling out gd you’re a gd anti and you dont belong in the fandom. Sorry but YOU dont belong in the fandom if you justify abuse. Like who raised you, what the actual fuck? No one was even hating him, we were criticizing him and were disappointed with him because we love him and want him to be a better person. but i guess people are too fucking stupid to distinguish the difference.

Anyway, im so sorry i dumped all of this into your ask box, you can easily ignore it, i just felt like i would have a mental breakdown if i didnt vent to someone about this. I love you for being so rational and motherly and just a kind human being, and i love your blog for being a safe haven for vips/gd stans with common sense that arent blinded by their love for jiyong. i dont know how else to show you how thankful i am of you but thank you!! i love you ❤️️❤️️❤️

oh my god this is the longest ask i’ve ever received in my 5/6 years of being on here hfdkls;ahga

it must take a lot of strength to send this to anyone so i totally commend you for that. it sucks that you gotta be on anonymous and i keep saying this to every gd stan, present or past, who has sent me messages expressing similar thoughts because i really do want you guys to be out here and saying these things in the open without being afraid to do so. i know that’s a struggle because most of us are backed up in a corner rn, but you’re strong and courageous and admirable for doing so, trust me. i’m sure the fandom would feel more relieved and happy and less disillusioned to see gd stans who actually do have problems with gd instead of these girlies on twitter with their 1k+ spewing what honestly looks like smth that comes out of trump supporters’ mouths. i mean, i’m not forcing all of u to do this, but seriously consider about it. we really do need louder voices in this fandom, whether you’re a small twitter/tumblr account or not. if we all can yell at these accounts louder and band together, then the toxicity and dismissiveness will decrease significantly.

& to that lil clique of gd stans, i have no sympathy or empathy for them. they’re probably are nice people irl or some shit, but i can’t respect people who go on the internet acting this entitled and dismiss other fans to the point of disillusionment. it upsets me to the core to see them act this way, and especially over somebody that they also don’t know. it also doesn’t fucking help that i now live in a fascist america, so seeing this kind of behavior seeping into a safe space of mine…no. i refuse to take that shit, i really don’t. and they can come at all of us who are transparent and calling us ot4/ot1 stans or gd antis, but they’re the ones who got the issues. they’re bigots who hide behind being a dedicated fan so they don’t get shitted on. they’re the ot1 stans, the ones who apparently not only are his unpaid publicist, but also his unpaid financial advisor and unpaid therapist. they got nothing to do but check up on people and attack them senselessly. in an updater’s standpoint, it’s fucking annoying bc they could’ve easily used that time to help out considering how little updaters we have, translators, fansite masters, uploaders, etc. i’m not saying u need to contribute to be seen as a fan, but i just wish they allocate their time to things that benefit us rather than hurting us. 

but yeah, again, i am being nice and empathetic and motherlike because i know what it’s like to be where both sides are yelling at u and u don’t know where to go. i’m glad you found some peace sending this to me, because tbh, i’m more relieved seeing this many gd stans coming forward and saying this kind of stuff, because i used to feel like it’s just me who felt like this. but yeah, it’s hard to come to terms with how he is now, and it hurts because it fucks up ur morals and beliefs. it’s up to u if you think he’s worth it, and it’s gonna some time. if you need any guidance, just im me here or on twitter (@seungska)!

[americaiskillingitsyouth]

not been haveing a gd 1 m8

this is absolutely just me screaming into the void but my poor poor v good v nice friends have heard enough of my shit (they havent said bc theyre good and nice) but its not their job to listen to my bullshit 24hrs a day - so now its yours!  i don’t have a vent blog so all u lovely ppl who followed me for my posts about industrial music and irreverent memes now need to hear me whine! 

so since november i had myself a full nervous breakdown right? like we went from like non stop crying to hearing shit and seeing shit and being completely irrational and delusional it was terrible.  ive had the worst insomnia since i was bab; my parents used to take turns to rock me down the end of the garden so the other could sleep. that never got a lot better. i also have this jaw thing bc my dentist yanked my wisdom tooth with far too much gusto and oh my godddd when that jaw bone comes out of its house it FUCKING hurts and boy howdy u cannot sleep. the hospital ppl were p useless but they had a follow up, which i couldnt attend for reasons i shant go into (suffice it to say it was not my decision to not go).  ive also since i was like 12 had anxiety. like the all the time kind. like i dont actually give a fuck about anything but its the feeling of anxiety all the time. when i was in denmark the doctor said it was probably a good ol’ case of generalised anxiety disorder,  but i didnt live there long enough to be formally diagnosed, which means now im dealing with englands healthcare system - the very same one that told me after 2 years of constant anxiety “youll grow out of it”. like i wasnt some nebbish woody allen character i didnt give a single fuck about school, or what anyone thought of me but i was just anxious all the time. that is still the case. 

now the doctor i came to her all gross and depressed and hallucinating a bit back in november like “think im broken help?” and she was like “thats a really bad combo of shit to have - bet that’s shit - have some time on govt money and work on u.” i asked her how long itll take to get over this and she gave me an estimate of like 6 months based on how fucked up i was at the time. 

fast forward to now, and i keep feeling like im doing alright, but i also have this feeling like i feel guilty if i do anything i enjoy. dont get me wrong, the chores are getting done at an insane rate and ive learned about like SQL and other shit that is objectively boring bc i feel useless and i dont deserve to have a good time. i also dont enjoy anything anyway so theres no point in doing it - might as well do the hateful things. 

but like i applied for 14 jobs today that are far beneath me even tho i dont have to do anything at all bc i want the money to get fucked up at my own leisure and not have the credit score that is usually reserved for dead people. i am not going to let a hurty face and a nasty case of GAD fuck me up forever. 

u w8 m8, gimme a couple more months and i will be ready to take on my 3 biggest nemeses: gwynyth paltrow (i dont even care enough to look up how to spell her name), jamie oliver and elon musk in a cage match and win. 

but rn i feel sad and i feel pathetic bc everything is like i somehow forgot to ride a bike and am having to learn again. i hate it. i also dont know how to do a read more so sorry for this v long post. if u are a stranger and wanna offer a fellow stranger some words of encouragement that would be more than welcome bc i dont wanna make my friends have to deal w me anymore haha :/ 

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Have you been to the Drs yet?

Ali: I can come with if you want

Carly: what are you talking about?

Carly: why would I?

Ali: When was your last period?

Carly: idk

Carly: who cares

Ali: I think you're pregnant, Carly

Ali: whatever you plan to do, the sooner you get it handled the better

Carly: wtf no

Carly: im not

Ali: Have you done a test?

Ali: worth a check

Carly: i dont need to

Carly: id know if i was having a baby

Carly: you have it doesnt mean youre an expert k

Ali: Girl, you ain't seen 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'?

Ali: its not all the drama and vomming its usually made out to be

Ali: not always

Carly: k

Carly: but youre wasting your time telling me

Carly: i dont need to know

Ali: Fair enough

Ali: but I don't mind

Ali: how have things been then?

Carly: good

Carly: what about you?

Ali: i'm glad

Ali: you know, bit stressful but getting into the swing of things with Edie

Ali: basically ready to go Singapore

Ali: just a few loose ends to sort

Carly: yea

Carly: she's good?

Ali: Yeah, pretty chill, bless her

Ali: how's Drew

Carly: he's him

Ali: Yeah

Ali: Could you tell him Meena would like to see him

Ali: he doesn't need to worry

Ali: not an ambush

Carly: k yea i will

Ali: Thanks Carly

Carly: he'll wanna see her

Carly: dont thank me

Ali: I know but thanks all the same

Ali: Its going to be weird leaving this place

Ali: I'll miss ya

Carly: no you won't

Carly: youll be having too much fun

Ali: I mean, its the plan but three kids and a full-time course

Ali: doesn't scream party party 😜

Ali: anyway, who there will let me art all over them? not a euphemism

Carly: too busy wiping baby butts and having breakdowns then

Carly: Caleb will

Carly: on both counts

Ali: Exactly, I'll be sobbing down the phone

Ali: like I never left 😂

Ali: and the jury's out there

Ali: 🤞 though

Carly: dont

Carly: unless you give me warning to zone out

Carly: he will

Carly: he loves you

Ali: duh, friend's prerogative

Ali: its best if you don't dole out the advice

Ali: not that that stops me but so I've heard

Ali: I know

Ali: Still hurt him

Ali: sometimes you can't come back from shit, so we'll see

Carly: sometimes you can

Ali: Of course

Ali: I never got to say sorry to you

Ali: that was shitty of me

Ali: things were hectic

Ali: but I really am

Carly: why

Carly: he wasnt mine

Ali: No but I knew how you felt about him

Ali: I could explain why it happened and the specific circumstances but I don't want to if you don't wanna hear it

Carly: no i didnt know

Carly: dont he wanted you for years

Carly: he got it out of his system

Ali: Okay, well I had my suspicions then

Ali: that was what it was for him

Ali: but not me

Carly: i know

Carly: you have a lot of supicious

Carly: thinking im knocked up dont make me laugh

Ali: I know the signs, Carly

Carly: i hope so

Carly: 3 kids

Ali: and you're showing them

Carly: im not

Carly: why are you trying to put the idea in my head

Carly: drew dont want your kid were not going there

Ali: because someone needs to

Ali: i don't care what drew wants

Ali: i'm telling you for you

Ali: so you can do what you want

Carly: well i do

Carly: i care what he wants

Carly: and i dont want any kids either

Ali: cool, that's totally fine but then you're on a time limit here

Ali: there's things you need to get sorted before you can't

Ali: this isn't an induction into the club, i don't need a yummy mummy friend

Ali: i care about you, i want you to do right by you on this

Carly: if you care then stop

Carly: seeing things that arent there

Carly: youre messing with my head here

Ali: i'm not trying to

Ali: do you wanna take the risk?

Ali: i'll get you a test

Ali: prove me wrong and tell me to fuck off

Ali: I WANNA be wrong too but I don't think I am so

Carly: dont

Carly: save your money for your kids

Carly: I'm not having one

Carly: i dont need to prove that or anything to you

Ali: Okay

Ali: that's all I've got to say

Ali: I won't speak on it again

Carly: good

Carly: i dont need it from you

Ali: I can imagine

Ali: but I didn't see anyone else letting you know

Ali: Had to, I'm not sorry for doing it but I am sorry its got to be me

Carly: its nobodys business

Carly: it's not even mine its not happening

Ali: Not what you do, no

Ali: but someone should be taking care of you

Ali: is Drew?

Carly: he loves me

Ali: doesn't answer the question

Carly: its not what you wanna hear you mean

Ali: Not gonna say I'm happy for you 'cos how could I?

Ali: But if you think I want Drew

Ali: then no

Carly: you should

Carly: you should want him

Ali: Well, I don't

Ali: I'm not saying he's the devil incarnate but I just don't

Ali: and you wouldn't want me to so?

Carly: i want him to be happy

Ali: We all want that for him

Ali: he doesn't feel it rn I know

Ali: but we do

Ali: You too, Carly

Carly: like i said im good

Ali: I hope so

Ali: don't you think you make Drew happy?

Carly: he wanted you and his kid you know that

Ali: No he didn't, doesn't

Ali: He's not seen her at all, its been a month

Ali: and you know he has no plans

Carly: im not telling tales on him

Carly: you know why he hasn't been around

Ali: Not asking you to

Ali: just bare in mind that he's got his side and I've got mine

Ali: Respect his but don't deny me mine, I know what happened and what was said to me

Carly: k

Ali: [Drewsif: I want nothing to do with it, that thing, fuck you both]

Ali: last I heard

Ali: I'm taking him at his word

Carly: he's in pieces

Carly: he doesnt want you and caleb pushing him out

Carly: her calling someone else dad while he pays up

Ali: We all are but we have to talk about it, to work it out

Ali: He's not being pushed out

Ali: its self-exile

Ali: and he isn't paying anything, don't expect him to, even though I'd be within my rights to ask

Ali: that ain't me

Ali: He's her Father, always will be but if he won't communicate with me, how can I make him step up?

Ali: I'm not about to make him, he has to want it, want her

Carly: he's scared

Ali: Understandable

Ali: He isn't the only one

Ali: he's allowed to be

Ali: but he isn't allowed to use her as a pawn, no

Carly: i know

Carly: i wish i could help

Ali: I know

Ali: you're a good person, Carly

Ali: I'm not trying to be a cunt, to anyone

Ali: but especially not you

Ali: I just wish everything could be sorted

Carly: Don't make laugh

Carly: I am not

Carly: everything'll get sorted he just needs to sort his head first

Ali: You are

Ali: Can't even help yourself, like 😘

Ali: I want him too

Ali: but if he could, keep us in the loop

Ali: because then I'll know what to say and do

Ali: I've got to think of Edie, first

Ali: but I don't hate Drew, and I want what's best for him

Ali: for all of us

Carly: can't help myself about load of shit

Carly: not that

Carly: give him a bit more time

Carly: not years just

Carly: she's so little

Ali: Nah

Ali: You've got many good deeds tallied to your name, trust

Ali: outweighs the rest

Ali: Okay

Ali: at the end of the day, we're always going to be here

Ali: not here here but

Ali: whenever he comes around, if he can prove he's worth it, he'll be given the chance

Ali: I'm not being unfair or keeping her from him

Carly: i know you wouldnt

Carly: i know what hes worth too

Ali: I take your word on it

Ali: but at the moment, that's all I got

Ali: but I'll be waiting on him, I promise, okay?

Carly: yea

Carly: thanks ali

Carly: youre still sweet

Ali: any time

Ali: you too girl

Carly: if i had a ma like you

Carly: the kids are lucky

Carly: and theyre gonna be good

Carly: youll see

Ali: get ready to plug your ears

Ali: too hormonal, you're gonna make me cry!

Ali: but i'm putting my life on it

Ali: its going to be good

Carly: its ok you can

Carly: have a sob

Carly: itll be kicking in for me when you get going

Ali: Thought you meant your hormones

Ali: Hope you stopped listening already, don't fight me 😉

Carly: I've killed them off

Carly: havent bleed regular since i started

Carly: it'll be all that good microwave nutrition

Ali: Gurl

Ali: Please, please PLEASE stop by the restaurant

Ali: I'll tell Gus and co, put it on my tab

Ali: If I could I'd be bringing you meals myself but I ain't gone be here

Ali: Promise bitch

Carly: itd be wasted on these tastebuds

Carly: dead too

Carly: youve got enough mouths to feed, bitch

Ali: then grub is grub so shut up and like it

Ali: need them nutrients

Ali: scrappy lil thing 😘

Carly: when she's a feeder. Thought you stopped fancying me years back

Ali: Oh no, I'm just out here biding time, poppin' out kids, 'til you come to your senses

Carly: i'll bring my imaginary kid when i roll up

Carly: you can name it

Ali: Ugh, my favourite bit!

Ali: know the way to my 💚 babe

Ali: I'll be pondering

Carly: boy or girl since you know everything

Ali: I'd have to run some tests

Ali: not bought from the chemists

Ali: lemme get the string and ring and be right there, like

Carly: ha

Carly: what do you do with that

Carly: tie me down

Ali: Literally, hog-tied and wifed up in one

Carly: casual weekday

Ali: you know it

Ali: how else did i end up the teen mum trash i am today

Carly: you arent

Carly: youre the best mum

Carly: if i was having any babies id want tips

Ali: Stop! 😭 When she's trying to break you #killabitchwithkindness

Ali: I'll set up the mummy blog now 😉 get in on it before i'm mega famous and getting those nappy brand deals

Carly: no need to link me

Carly: clueless and childless until death

Ali: hey, doesn't sound like the worst life to me

Ali: former bliss, latter...probs the same

Carly: when you going?

Carly: to singapore not the afterlife

Ali: just over a week

Ali: scary stuff, man

Carly: won't see you then

Carly: busy girl you are

Ali: I can make time

Ali: My Mother will be having an aneurysm but I'm pretty chill, ya know 😜

Carly: yea

Carly: thatd be good

Ali: Wicked, might have some kiddos in tow, at least the bab, can throw the others into Nursery mwahahaha

Ali: want me to bring the gun again, give you something to remember me by? 👌😋

Carly: aw

Carly: but the boys my fave

Carly: yea you should

Ali: when she wants you to bring a man

Ali: #baitedagain

Ali: you are his fave, why not, play dates are the chillest form of socialisation

Ali: fuck the club tbh

Ali: I will then

Ali: matching? be dem hoes?

Carly: ha

Carly: when hes that cute

Carly: aw

Carly: yea we have to

Carly: everyones thinking it

Ali: 🙌 let 'em think, make 'em talk

Carly: ill miss you

Ali: i'll miss you too

Ali: but i won't let ya, be on that phone 24/7

Ali: i've been made to swear on my life i'll be back for christmas, s'only a few months

Ali: we'll catch up then?

Carly: yea

Carly: theres your gift

Ali: yay, i'll bring you back some cool shit we don't have here no doubt

Carly: better drugs or worse

Carly: let me know

Carly: dont wanna fill your case with any old shit

Ali: with MY vagina? baggies fall right out

Ali: soz babe

Ali: mail order bride?

Ali: you know you wanna

Carly: ha

Carly: drew'd be happy

Carly: so yea should do

Ali: hm, i'll get him a keyring

Ali: 😉

Carly: he is always losing mine

Ali: See? I just KNOW things

Carly: bring him an address book too cant pretend he dont know where i am

Ali: He needs that alright

Ali: maybe I'll invent a microchip while I'm out there

Ali: hotwire his brain

Carly: yea

Carly: make me one too

Carly: different programming but

Ali: I will

Ali: get your requests in now

Carly: ill do my list

Ali: So many lists

Ali: my head is lists

Ali: as if they don't have socks there 🙄

Carly: use mine for storage

Carly: its emptied out

Ali: nah, might be nights out lights out

Ali: but you still in there

Ali: better be, not gotta make a cake but you know I'm coming so 💚

Carly: never made one but for you id give it a try

Carly: especially if you bring my fave boy

Ali: Obviously! Mum rule #1, bribe 'em with sugar, always

Ali: 😍 lets make fairy cakes #domesticgoddesses

Carly: dont think the caravan is kitted out for that

Carly: but yea

Ali: come over here man

Ali: there isn't a kitchen better stocked

Ali: can't even take the cred

Carly: serious? i can

Ali: Of course, hell yeah

Ali: ngl, save me getting out the pram of hell, double wide, you'd see me coming from a mile off 🙄😂

Carly: gonna borrow that when im feeling tired

Carly: ill fit

Ali: you probably would, its tempting

Ali: get Junie walking for me and there's a spot with your name on it

Carly: run into my arms sweet boy

Ali: [Sends Junior selfie]

Ali: The look of love, he's buzzin'

Carly: aw

Carly: trying to make me wish there is a kid in here

Carly: if its a boy like him

Ali: they'll work on you like that

Ali: sneaky adorable bastards

Carly: itd be a rio

Carly: i know

Ali: shh, she might hear you 😜

Ali: i can't hold her back, gurl, you'll be on your own

Carly: junie will protect me

Ali: Fair, he's her weak spot

Ali: Solid plan

Carly: whats edie gonna say

Carly: havent even seen her

Ali: she's not much of a talker

Ali: i'll whack my tit out if she gets aggro

Ali: that always works

Carly: on all the girls yea i know

Ali: you said it baby

Carly: war flashbacks happening

Carly: been on more tits than you

Ali: alright, don't rub it in

Ali: straight bitch

Carly: dont say rub

Carly: ive done my time

Ali: 😂 you say that but no one forced you

Ali: self-inflicted punishment still punishment, yeah?

Carly: yea yea

Ali: Well, I better go buy those vacuum pack things

Ali: WILD

Ali: need anything?

Carly: fun

Carly: no thanks

Carly: im set

Ali: coolio, catch you in a bit bitch 💋

Carly: love you bitch

Ali: always gon' love you

Ali: BITCH