#anyway once again idk what i'm doing rowan

[at-sabohteurs]

( sc. ) she appears at @charmsurvive's side without warming, stealth drilled into her during her training until she's a ghost. it's early morning, a careful fog settles over charming and sydney's heterochromatic eyes are hidden by the sunglasses she's wearing, despite the lack of sun. in her gloved hand, a take out cup from starbucks. the other shoved into the pocket of her leather jacket. " salut comment ça va ? " she drawled, a touch of the morning in her voice, and her nose crinkled as she watched the sunrise.

" fuck, it's early . . . or late ? i haven't slept yet - why are we here at - " hand slips from pocket and rises, turning over to show her the watch face fastened to the underside of her wrist, sleeve pulled back slightly by the motion. " . . . i don't know why i checked this, it hasn't worked in a year. "

[ask-olive-huchers]

just for funnies, I'm gonna do a relationship chart thingy realll quick with the characters Olive has interacted with (plus maple, Chris, Ditch, and pebble bc they technically have met but there's so roleplay for them-)

Olive and Bailey: close friends, kinda like siblings! Olive definitely sees him as a big brother, though! And (don’t tell anyone!), They definitely look up to Bailey a lot

Olive and Sora: close! Sora is like the mother of the group, so naturally Olive see's him as a role model!

Olive and Zaria: they know she helped Rowan with her plan. So. hate.

Olive and jasper: ehh, neutral (ish). Just has fun messing with him most of the time. So I guess possibly another brother figure idk

Olive and Rowan: despises. Hates. Would kill. Could kill. It’s their fault. Or, that’s what olive thinks anyway.

• Olive and Finn: neutral. Not much to say in this in, olive just doesn't really know Finn that much.

Olive and Jay: ZERO OUT OF TEN. HATE EACHOTHER, DEARLY. WOULD PUNCH THIS MAN FOR A CRUMB OF BREAD BRO. ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM SHUT UP.

Olive and Skipp: do I even need to explain this one? ok, fine. Olive definitely "likes" Skipp. Let's put in simple terms for now, shall we?

Olive and Yuki: Dislike. Only bc bro was in a bad mood when they had met. Then again Olives kinda always in a bad mood, so..-

Olive and Ray: sorta dislike. Only because they had a bad first impression as well. But all of Olive's first impressions involve anger so..no hard feelings?

Olive and Quinn: a like for sure. I mean, her dog had already won them over! Plus she was pretty nice!

Olive and Stone: neutral. I mean, he's okay I guess.

AND NOW, TIME FOR THE OTHERS THAT ARE CONTROLLED BY ME!:

Olive and Ditch: hate. Hate. Hate. Pure annoyance. If given the chance, Olive would stab him in the neck and stomp on his body. They'd throw his body into the ocean. Plus, Olive would tie giant rocks to his body so he'd sink to the very bottom. Where no one could find him. But he's too important to the story so that'll never happen! Perhaps in another universe...

Olive and Chris: neutral. Not practically close, but Olive does like to call him out for anything he's done wrong. They find it funny how ironically clumsy he is.

Olive and Maple: neutral. That's all I have to actually say but, I don't reallly think they'd have have a straight bond. It would probably be from their friend group, if you know what I mean.

Olive and Pebble: I guess sorta like? I mean, he must be cool if they're dating Bailey. Right? Though I think they've only met like, once..-

AND BONUS: OLIVES RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS!! And Adi!

Olive and Calvin (their father): hate. I thought that was obvious..? But yeah. He's a pretty shitty dad who was verbally abusive and physically abusive. What was worse was it was only olive that WAS being abused, so it was favouritism for sure.

Olive and Charolette (their mother): Strong disliking. Not much as a hate, though. Their mother was fairly nice to them when they were younger. And the only golden child to appreciate. But once Their sister was born, Olives perfect little world had fallen apart.

Olive and Adi: let's get something straight. Olive hates a bunch of people. Like, a lot. But Adi takes the number one spot on the leaderboard. Olive absolutely DESPISES HER. I mean, she RUINED their life! If you were to ask olive how they ended up on the streets, they'd probably say their father. And little sister. If they could torture anyone until the end of time, Olive would 100% pick Adi. I mean, that's the whole reason they had murder their mother. To strike fear into the child, and to get the message clear for her small little mind.

And yeah! I think that's everyone? Question mark? Well, that's everyone olive met! I think? I'll probably put this is the masterpost, and it'll probably change over time as well!

Last updated : Aug 4th, 2024

[pearblossommina]

ToG Read-a-Long, Empire of Storms, day 3 and 4

Ch 12

Boring plot chapter, Aelin and Lysandra and Aedion go to the temple

Ch 13

Yay! Rowan x Dorian boat trip!

I’m PUMPED! let’s get to know each other, let’s get tender with each other, let’s become BEST FRIENDS

“Your magic feeds on your energy - feeds on you. The more rested you are, the greater the strength. More important, the greater the control. Your power is both part of you and its own entity. If left to its own devices, it will consume you, wield you like a tool.” I love teacher Rowan. He should become an official magic professor when this is all over, establish a Hogwarts style school for fae and demi fae and humans who wield magic. I think he’d be very good at it.

“Aelin is my heart. I taught her what I knew, and it worked because our magics understood each other deep down - just as our souls did. You are … different. Your magic is something I have rarely encountered. You need someone who grasps it, or at least how to train you in it. But I can teach you control; I can teach you about spiraling down into your power, and taking care of yourself.” Okkkk guess I should just shut up then, Rowan doesn’t want to be a teacher, or at least he’s not confident enough to declare himself a good one. I take back what I said before. Sorry Rowan.

I think it’s so dang cute that he called Aelin his heart.

Sigh.

Poor Dorian.

Ch14

I mean it’s very badass how easily they’re able to take the temple and fight the soldiers, but I’m also growing bored of these miniboss fights and how it kinda feels like. Just a filler episode. Idk how else to put it.

It’s action packed but it feels, like, insubstantial.

Did Aedion say it was once on the table for him to marry Aelin?

The fuck?

and that would make Darrow happy…. Why? What does that gain them, either of them? It’s not marriage into an alliance or for money or power… does it just ensure their children will be pure blooded Ashryvers and have blonde hair and blue eyes?

That’s so icky, Darrow

Ch 15 spooky! Brannon’s ghost, back to warn them about a way to destroy the Wyrdkey! I love how Aedion and Lysandra just snuck up on her.

Now another boss fight, but at least this one is against someone who was already a despicable human and I get to feel glad and satisfied when she chops off his head. The Overseer from Endovier!

Get him, queen!

Slay! Show no mercy, just slice him up and kill him.

"What are collars and rings

compared to a solid heart? A heart of iron and Wyrdstone, to replace the coward's heart beating within."

Oh noooooo

So she can’t kill them?

Woah

It was Erawan the whole time!

Ch16 “And she knew that even if his body hadn't been irreparably broken, there was nothing left inside him to save anyway. Nothing worth saving to begin with.”

Yeah - that’s right! Only save those who deserve it, not slavedrivers and salt mine overseers. Burn in hell, loser. Maybe don’t make your living at the cost of others suffering, if you want to be shown mercy and set free from valg prince possession. Instead, you just get to die - and no one’s gonna feel bad about it!

“I'm surprised you tried to save him first. Given what he did to you at Endovier. My prince could scarcely stand to be inside his mind, it was already so vile. Do you find pleasure in deciding who shall be saved and who is beyond it? So easy, to become a little, burning god."

DIE

It’s none of your business if she wants to be a Queen or a Goddess!

You’ll meet your end, Erawan. Quit with the evil monologue. A goddess will show you no mercy, when your time comes.

The threat laid on Rowan and Dorian seems like empty posturing to me.

I mean, Dorian, maybe, but he’s been there done that, and he is slowly getting stronger. He’ll never let himself be leashed to a valg with a collar ever again. Rowan? Rowan’s a centuries old fae warrior. He’s too powerful and too wild to ever be captured. Erawan has been using humans because they’re easy to subdue. Fuck around with Rowan, and you’ll find out.

That’s just my opinion, but… I don’t think Aelin has anything to be worried about here. Truly.

Ch17

Aw

“Then Manon Blackbeak whirled and brought Wind-Cleaver down upon her grandmother.” YEAH!

Hell yeah!

About time Manon my love!

Ch18 a real shame she didn’t kill her

And now we learn Manon is secretly a queen, Manon’s true family are Corchan. (You were always a queen to me, Manon)

ABRAXOS to the rescue!

This is so exciting AHHH

Ch19

“He opened the door, and by the time her eyes adjusted to the glow of the wrought-iron chandeliers, Lorcan's face had changed. His eyes might never be warm, but a bland smile was on his face, his shoulders relaxed - as if he were slightly inconvenienced by the wait but eager for a good meal.

He almost looked human.”

He’s so irritable. This really is a Shrek and Donkey adventure, lol

“His wife. Gods above.”

A Shrek and Donkey adventure with fake dating

Cuuuute

“Lorcan had seen the worst and best in men for five hundred years.

There was no such thing as a better world - no such thing as a happy end.”

I think I like Lorcan better than Rowan, lol

At least he’s angsty ABOUT something, world weary because he’s 500 and hates his life, instead of just being angsty because he’s in love and doesn’t know how to feel feelings.

I mean. As far as surly handsome fae love interests go. Who knows where SJM is going with this, but if Lorcan is going to be an eligible bachelor, I might just switch my allegiance

Ch20

Speaking of Rowan, lol

Here is another Rowan chapter!

They’re in Skull’s Bay and here to make amends with Captian Rolfe

Ch21”Male” Rowan corrected. “Fae males are not human men.”

TBH I have always hated this aspect of SJM’s writing. The fact that faeries exclusively call themselves males and females doesn’t really set them apart from the human race… some humans identify that way, too. But honestly, anyone who uses “male” and “female” when referring to another person just kinda gives me the creeps. It feels transphobic and dehumanizing. Like, that’s a word I most often associate with animals - like dogs. I’d never call my dog a “woman dog.” She’s female, and since dogs are the most common usage of a word like that in my day to day vocabulary, reading it in a book is like the opposite of sexy to me.

It’s just a personal pet peeve, sorry Rowan, it’s not your fault. You can be “male” if that’s how you identify, I just want you to know I think it’s gross and unsexy.

Anyway.

Looks like the shit has really hit the fan, lol. Rolfe lost all of his crew to the forces of darkness, and somehow, Perrington has abducted Dorian’s little brother and crowned him the new prince and declared himself king. Ouch!

I wish everything had worked out and everything was happy like it was for a minute at the end of the last book. I thought Dorian being king would be a moment of triumph - the feeling of good, fighting back against evil and winning for once. It hasn’t been that at all, so far.

Ch22

Gavriel and Fenrys

Here on Maeve’s orders…

I guess that means we’ll probably see her soon

Ch23

Gavriel knows he has a son, now

I actually think it’s super interesting to act on the vagueness of Maeve’s commands, and join forces with Aelin. It would make Aelin’s court even more badass to be filled with mostly fae and Lysandra

They might not be able to, but I think it would be so cool if they did!

Idk, I guess I’m just getting my hopes up.

Aelin could be like a backwards Maeve, and bond souls with all of them and let them all go free.

Ch24

“Aedion sighed. "Would you have told me what happened last night if I hadn't been there?"

Yeah, girl, you gotta stop doing that

Feeling like you have to face everything alone

This is not an alone-adventure

You need your friends, you need your family, you just need to learn how to rely on people without feeling like it makes you weak.

I really appreciate Aedion and Lysandra for sneaking up on her and for being there. Couple of real ones.

“Find the Lock.

Good thing Skull's Bay was on their way to the Stone Marshes of Eyllwe.”

Oh

That’s probably why Maeve is going there!

Ch25

Manon wakes! She’s free now!

Except shit is still scary.

Ooh, yikes, the Bloodhound!

I hope Abraxos killed her.

Ch26

I’m getting bored again

I think it’s cause I’m reading so many chapters, and all of them have so many things happening, but I’m having a hard time paying attention to the things, even though I know they are important. It just feels like so much; and I’m having trouble reigning in my attention span.

Yo. Can somebody kiss someone soon?

Ch27

Lysandra is the best. Lol

I love this cute little happy scene

Ch28

“Aelin decided she didn't particularly give a shit who was watching and rose up on her toes to brush her mouth against his. It had taken all her wits and abilities to avoid leaving traces of her scent today for him to detect and the shocked delight on his face had been utterly worth it.”

Thank you, Aelin

Bless you

I’ve gone too long without any romance so this tiny little kiss feels like rain in the desert.

I don’t care about Captian Rolfe!

I’m sorry - I just don’t care. If he wants to be a pain in the ass, I say, leave him, and go about this adventure on your own.

“Gavriel didn't smile. Didn't move. Buy

herself time, buy Aedion time…

"You don't get to decide when and where and how you meet him," Aelin said.

"He's my gods-damned son. I think I do.

Aelin shrugged. "You don't even get to decide if you're allowed to call him that."”

did I miss something…? Does she not trust Gavriel? I thought he was a good dude.

Why can’t he be introduced to Aedion? Because he’s enthralled to Maeve? Or? She’s not here… she can lay no claim on him. I feel like now would be a good time to get them to meet each other.

Idk

This was so much content (phew!)

I feel extremely braindead.

[wiltingdecay]

Aah jejxksjx ok! Cedar giving Rowan a kiss on the cheek? :3c

Idk for what so you can make it up jsndnc

touches ask game

"Son of a fuck-"

Rowan curses under their breath at the melting chocolate in the pot on top of the stove in front of them. Why has it gone all weird and clumpy? It's supposed to be in a liquid state by now, the recipe book had said, so where had they gone so wrong-?

So caught up are they in their frustration towards the ruined chocolate, they almost don't notice when they feel a body pressing up against their back, arms winding around their waist, a chin resting on their shoulder. They only truly notice when Cedar begins to speak, murmuring into their ear.

"What's the matter, Ro-Ro?"

Rowan sighs, already feeling better wrapped in Cedar's embrace, with their warm breath on their neck. "I was trying to make a chocolate sauce thingy to go over that cake you made, but - " They gesture vaguely around the pot with their whisk. "Something seems to have gone wrong. It's gone all clumpy and... well, shite. Sorry, bun."

Cedar hums under his breath, stretching up on his tip-toes to get a proper look over Rowan's shoulder at the failed chocolate ganache. He covers Rowan's whisk hand with his own, giving the chocolate a few experimental stirs.

"It's seized," he says matter-of-factly. "You must've added the cream too late. You're supposed to do cream first, then chocolate."

"Oh," Rowan mumbles, face heating up. "Right. That makes sense. Sorry, I don't bake desserts much, aside from fruit tarts."

Cedar laughs quietly, giving Rowan a reassuring squeeze around the waist. "It's OK, sweetie. Everyone makes mistakes, it's not the end of the world. And there's an easy fix, anyway. You just gotta stir in a little bit of hot water, bit by bit until the clumps are gone and it's smooth. Here, let me help you. Hey, since we're boiling the water, would you like some tea?"

Cedar's right, of course. Once the kettle is boiled, it takes just a few tablespoons of hot water mixed into the chocolate until it has the consistency it should. Rowan breathes a sigh of relief, pulling the whisk through the ganache and giving it a twirl just to double check. A little bit of chocolate comes off the whisk with a splatter, but he hardly cares at this point. "Thank the gods, it looks fine now. Thanks, Cedar. I dunno what I'd have done without you."

Cedar smiles, wrapping an arm around Rowan again and resting their cheek on his shoulder. "Don't mention it, Ro-Ro. You did great." They giggle softly as Rowan affectionately runs his free hand through their fluffy curls, slightly tweaking the ribbon atop their head. They look up at him, intent on returning the favour, but their gaze falls on his cheek, instead. "Oh, you've got something on your face."

"Huh?" Rowan lets the whisk fall back into the bowl, reaching up to touch their face. "Where?"

Cedar giggles, an idea crossing their mind. "Here, I'll get it."

But instead of reaching their own hand up and wiping with their thumb, they tilt their head up and press a kiss with just a hint of tongue to Rowan's cheek. The already-warm, freckled skin almost immediately floods with heat under Cedar's touch, and they laugh into the kiss before pulling back.

Rowan looks down at him, face flushing an even deeper shade of pink when Cedar coyly licks the chocolate they'd kissed away from Rowan's skin off their lips. "Got it," they say cheekily. "And it tastes great, Ro-Ro. But I'm not sure if that's the chocolate, or just you."

Rowan huffs out a flustered sigh, pulling Cedar close and kissing their forehead. "For fuck's sake," they mutter. "You're so cute."

Cedar laughs, throwing both arms around Rowan's shoulder and pulling him even closer, the chocolate in the pot forgotten about for the time being.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

why would MC ever believe that deep down Rakepick isn’t as evil as she’s “claiming” to be after all she’s done and put them through? i know that choice is optional but i still don’t get how MC could think that. she tortured Merula and killed their first ever friend at Hogwarts without any sign of remorse. all she ever says about that night is that she was aiming for Ben as if that makes it better somehow. plus Rowan isn’t even the only person she’s killed, i mean wtf. Rakepick’s beyond saving, she says it herself. that’s the only thing she’s ever said that i wholeheartedly agree with. at least she’s self aware i guess. idk what happens to her at the end of ch 37 but i hope we never see her again. definitely won’t be missing her.

Oh anon, I hope we do see her again. Because this chapter opened some doorways and I want to see what lies beyond.

For the first time in...I don't even know how long, possibly ever, the game has given some concrete hints to Rakepick's backstory. I don't think they even come up unless you trapped Rakepick in the Vault, because normally she's a lot better at keeping any of her weaknesses concealed. But post-Sunken Vault, she's no longer able to hide anything, she virtually lives in her own head. Almost reminds me of the state Mr. Crouch was in when Harry came across him in the Forbidden Forest. Or, to put it another way, The Madness of Madam Rakepick. That has a nice ring to it, huh? Anyway, the point here is, we finally, finally, f i n a l l y got some hint of depth to Rakepick once again. Genuine depth. Forget about redemption, that's not what I'm arguing for, but a potentially sympathetic villain is a thousand times more interesting and real than a villain who's just cartoonishly bad with nothing else going for them. And that's what Rakepick has been ever since the Buried Vault. Until now. (Potentially.)

She said that she relived the deaths of not only everyone she's ever killed, but the deaths of her family and friends. Which does subscribe to the pattern we saw with MC's vision in the Sunken Vault, and it would make sense if we assume that this is the same Curse that was applied to the Drink of Despair that guarded the Locket Horcrux. But hold up a minute, back the hell up. Rakepick has friends? She's got family? I feel like that reveal got glossed over a bit, but that matters so damn much! Especially since they're apparently ALL dead. She doesn't say that she lost them, she says that they died. Not one of them just left her because of her actions? They all died? For goodness' sake, she's in her thirties. So what the hell happened? Could have been the Death Eaters, which might make a degree of sense if R is presenting them-selves as a rival faction to Voldemort. They're vague and secretive enough that they could probably sell that idea to recruit people who lost loved ones to the Death Eaters.

Or...what if it's even worse. Rakepick said that R has a way of getting people to do their bidding. And my goodness, the way she kept repeating that failure is punished (Merula is a dead woman walking if she stays with them) was just plain chilling. Not to mention that they already have a proven history of killing the friends and loved ones of people they aim to recruit. What if. What if R went after everyone Rakepick ever loved. We know that at some point prior to Year 4, she was in opposition to them. And if I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times - a lawless and arrogant jackass like Rakepick doesn't just do a 180 and bend the knee before the wizarding equivalent of Big Brother - not willingly. Suppose R targeted Rakepick's family and friends, and took them out one by one in order to break her. Listen, I know that nobody wants Rakedemption and I'm not even saying that I do. But at this point, R has abandoned her and Rakepick is expecting them to come after her to tie up loose ends. We cannot trust her, plain and simple. But we do have a common enemy now. And Rakepick knows a lot about Curse-Breaking, she may have inside information as well. And I'll go ahead and say it, yes, she is one of my favorite characters. So I don't really mind if this is how they're going to get her back into the game's story.

But more than anything, I don't want Y7CH37 to be the last we ever see of her. If this is all we get, I would just as soon have had her not show up at all after Y6CH42. Because after all this time, the writing is finally hinting at more to her than just being cocky and murderous. This can't be it, because this felt like it was setting up for a later appearance and future reveals. There's still so much about this character that we don't know, and I don't want them to just, like...remind us that she exists, tease the idea of actually fleshing her out, and then put her on a shelf for the rest of the game. That would legitimately be maddening. So much was hinted in this chapter...hey, here's something else I just remembered. For the second time now, Rakepick has brought up that Rowan was an accident, that she was aiming for Ben. She mentioned it in the Sunken Vault, and she brings it up here - in both versions of the scene. As if that makes a difference at all? Clearly, that doesn't make it any better, nor do I think Rakepick cares about casting herself in a better light. So why does she linger on that memory? Were...were her orders to kill Ben specifically? Is that one way that she "failed" R? If so...why? Why Ben? What does he know? We never did find out what happened during his missing time, and the idea that he might be lying about not remembering was thrown out there. Was R trying to silence him?

[erikawritesss]

✨Old Story Piece: “Mine.”

I title the things I write sometimes. Taylor’s name (is one I love for some reason) and apparently a while ago when I wrote a requested blog ..... I like stole the idea and look of her (name, personality, etc) and just used it for her little blurb with Rowan. I feel like Rory is kinda like Rowan... but Rowan from my little ask request was more of like... idk shy? But more of a Top/Tol. Where in this story/blurb thing Rory is like smol and a little more... fiery?

Anyways here this super unedited story piece/blurb thing I wrote sometime in Aug 2016... when I was still 15. Hope y’all enjoy! Or just lmao idk read it. 🥺❣️

  Taylor laid her head on Micah's tan bare chest and sighed. Her short platinum colored hair splayed across his torso and she shuffled running her legs along his in a plea for attention. When no movement or sign of acknowledgement came from him she groaned. Lifting her head she stared at his strong yet smooth features relaxed in sleep. She shuffled again in irritation at his unwillingness to wake up and sighed in delight when she sees his lips twitch.

  Taylor doesn't resist the urge to run her fingers down his smiling pink lips, then her down his cheeks and jawline on his slight five o'clock shadow. She wiggles again and squeals when he nips slightly at the top of her index. She calmly places her cold feet against his warm ones and smirks as he hisses and flinches back.

  "Come on Tay," Micah laughs as he attempts to sternly reprimand the short haired girl on him, but fails as Taylor once again cuddles closer. With closed eyes he tries again, "Taylor, Princess I'm sleeping." She snorts and buries her head further into his arm.

  "Aw, does your highness want attention?" Micah says jokingly, but slowly looks down concerned at his blonde when she doesn't immediately counter back at him with a quick snarky comeback. "Princess? Is there something bothering you? 

   Taylor rolled to her other side with her back facing Micah as to not look him in the face as she spoke, "It's Rory babe."

   Micah groaned behind her, "Not this again. I thought you'd promised me we'd leave this alone. I'm with you I promise I'm not-"

   "Dammit Micah not that. I'm worried about her." 

   Taylor twirled her shoulder length hair delicately along her fingers. "Its just ever since that day she's been acting off and avoiding the both of us. And on top of that she went to that party tonight without me. She doesn't even like parties. I'm always the one to push her to go to them." Taylor glowered to herself and rapped her arms around her midsection. 

   "Babe, maybe she just wants a break from the both of us." Micah whispered behind her rapping his arms around her as well. Taylor's stomach collapsed in worry, "But Jesus why? We are her best friends. Me especially. She should talk to me. Why would she want a break from us?"

   Micah shushed his girl friend as her octave slowly rose with her body that was now sitting up in bed in a frenzy. Taylor kept going.

"I'm her best friend-"

"Taylor..."

"-she should come to me-"

"Taylor..."

"-if something is bothering her-"

"Taylor..."

"-I mean I'm the only one that could-"

"Taylor!" Micah screamed still laying down on the bed. Her blonde head whipped around and glared down at her boy friend, "What?!"

 "Maybe she couldn't. Talk to you that is. Maybe she has something she couldn't say to you directly, because it would affect...stuff."

  Taylor blinked her grey eyes at him flatly and Micah groaned, "Taylor you've messed with her enough. Me and her actually. You think that you wouldn't be sick of hanging out with people who pursue you constantly who are suppose to be your friends. You've crossed lines Tay. Lines that friends shouldn't cross." 

   Taylor let out a small breath, "But Micah we crossed them. We were friends before we were anything. She got us-"

   "-together. I know. But think about how that must have felt. To have gotten her two best friends together because they were circling around each other without properly asking each other out for all of high school. And then having to deal with them all sophomore and junior year?"

  Taylor laughed, "Micah we weren't that bad. We never left her like other people do when they get a boy friend or girl friend."

Micah chuckled and tugged her back down, "True. But that's the problem, we were always with her and we were all over each," he nibbled on her ear for affect and smirked as her breath hitched. "We were practically in the honeymoon phase and she was...dealing with her own relationship issues." His voice lowered in a tone of anger.

 "Micah..." 

  "That guy was an asshole and we were so rapped up in each. We just let him..." 

  "He took her virginity and bounced." Taylor joked and jumped when Micah pinched her waist. "Oh come on, she's the one that made that joke. It's been two years."

  Micah growled, "Doesn't matter, he shouldn't have touched her. He had no right to-"

 "He was her boy friend," Taylor reminded her boy friend in a singing chirpy voice. Micah's jaw clenched and Taylor lifted her head to stared down at jealous boy friend. He blinked angry electric blue orbs at her and sighed through his nose. 

  She quickly distracted him before he went on a rampage much like every other time he got jealous of someone being around his girls. Taylor long ago realized how much Micah cared about their girl, Rory. Even if he refuse to admit it to himself. No matter how long she pestered him. 

  "Okay, forget about that. So me and you are all lovey dovey and shit. But so what? She's never had a problem with us being together." Taylor said with a sigh into Micah's neck.l

  Micah laughed, "Lovey dovey and shit? You're so romantic Tay."  He ran his hands over her soft platinum locks.  "Its not that, that bothers her Tay. It's the...changes. You've went from being with me to suddenly trying to make me be with her."

  Taylor scoffed, "I've done no such thing."

   Micah pinched her again and this time she squealed. "The fact that you talked all proper just now to deny it, proves you have been princess. You've been pushing her and I into situations with each other. Hell you've pursuing her yourself, don't think I haven't noticed Tay. I love you Taylor, so I'm always gonna be here, but maybe she needs a break. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of being pushed with me," Micah looked away almost sadly, but as quickly as the hurt over took his features, it was replaced with anger. "I don't even know where it's come from. We've been together for two, almost three years. Do you suddenly not want me is that it? Trying to get with her or make me be with her, so we aren't together anymore. We can't use her like that."

  Taylor sighed and sat up once again, "Shut up Micah. You sound stupid, of course not, I love the both of you and I'd never use her. Micah, I do what I do not to get rid of you. I do it cause I see the way you look at her, I know how you feel about her..." She watched Micah's features pale. "I know you think of her sometimes...I know it's not innocent. And I know despite what you say, you don't think of her like a sister. You just got jealous of her being with another guy just now for crying out loud."

Micah was quick to defend himself with cheeks that were far past pink. It was a nice color of him. "I don't! What makes you think I like her? I'm not even-I don't even feel anything..." He flustered more as Taylor smirked down at him and he sat up for leverage.

  "I don't like her. And I was only jealous cause-what am I saying!? I'm not jealous. I just don't like that guy using her. No one deserves that." He huffed.

And Taylor giggled, "Oh dude, you are so into her. You're into her green eyes. Into her long brown hair...and her lips..she has really full lips..." She kept going as the redness rose to his ears and his breathing levels went up. "Micah you seem nervous? Is that it? Let me guess you like her lips? Or no, you like other things?"

   Micah groaned and shifted besides her, "What about less physical things like her personality or her cute little laugh?" He froze as he realized his mistake, " I mean-"

   "Ohhh, so you think her laugh is cute? And you love her personality?" Taylor said with a infectious laugh and soon Micah was laughing too. 

  "Tayloooorrr." Micah blushed again when she smiled suggestively at him. "Stop it."

   Taylor giggled. "Okay okay. But admit you think she's cute."

    Micah smiled, "Okay fine she's cute ish. Doesn't mean I like her though." 

   Taylor narrowed her eyes, "Oh really? Well want to know why I'm worried about her? Because she hasn't texted me since she went to the party just to make sure in her 'subtle way' that we aren't gonna be there."

  Micah leaned back against the headboard, "So? What's that gotta do with me? I'm not her boy friend, I'm yours. She doesn't even have a boy friend." He sounded quite smug about that fact. 

  Taylor smiled innocently, "Yeah, you're my boy friend. She doesn't have one. Can you imagine her at that party single?"

  Micah's body tensed. Taylor smothered a laugh. 'Got him,' she thought. 

  "I wonder what she's wearing." Taylor fake pondered. "I know you're probably thinking you don't care, but can imagine if she's wearing something skimpy."

  Micah popped wider, "I hardly think she'd-"

  "Micah babe I don't know. I think she could be wearing anything. You know it's Matt's party right?"

  "Matt's? Don't his parties have-"

  "-a skimpy dress code?" Taylor laughed, "Oh hell yeah. She's probably in shorts and a cute top...unless she's like in a short dress. I know she had that blue one? Remember that one she brought at the store when she was shopping with us?"

   "I remember." Micah's voice had gotten extremely deep. She smothered another laugh, he was so cute.

  "Damn, if she's wearing that then guys would be ALL over her. And like you said she's single.-" Micah growled and she went on, "God I hope she's not drinking. All those boys around. She gets so playful when she's tipsy, but drunk? She gets frisky."

   Micah's jaw flexed, "They'd take advantage of her." Taylor spoke, "Well I mean it's not like  she wouldn't want it...that's why I'm worried. Imagine those stupid fuck boys. Their hands would be all over her and she'd be showing skin." 

  Micah pulled away from her abruptly and stood up. He pulls his keys from the nightstand by her bed, "That's it. We are going to fucking find her right now."

  Taylor stares at him as he looks at her frantically, "Tay come on!"

   "Pretty bold moves from someone who doesn't like a girl."

   Micah runs his hands through his hair a common sign of his for being anxious, "A friend could-"

   "Micah!" Taylor cut him off. "Okay fine Taylor. I like her but I'm with you, and she's not even-"

"I doubt that. I doubt that a lot."

   "I'm not good enough for her." He sighed and clutched his key harder. "I use to be the exact type of her person that hurt her. She's a hopeless romantic who just...Tay, I use to be such a player. I was-"

   Taylor kissed him silent, then pulled away. She grabbed his arm and sat on her knees at the edge of the bed, "So was I. But we are together. Both of us our different now. Neither of us deserved her before. That's why she was our friend Micah. That's why we found each." She ran her hand down his cheek as he tilted his head down, "But we are together now. We can't try to be with her, it wouldn't be fair. No matter how much I-"

  Taylor interrupted him, "-we. We both want her. But...I understand. But she wants us back, I know she does. She hides it better than you do that's for sure, but it's cause she doesn't know. She can be the most analytical person ever and she could read other people so easily, but when it comes to stuff involving her she's so damn oblivious."

  Micah chuckled fondly, "How do you know she's just not interested. We are exactly alike, maybe we are too much for her."

  Taylor smirked, "Are you kidding? She likes us most definitely. How could she not? And who would say no two being offered two different people? I know my best friend trust me." Taylor rapped her arms around Micah's neck and smiled at him, "She thinks she's got it all figured out, she doesn't want us to corrupt it, she doesn't want us to not want her back. We are together after all. It's why she hasn't said anything. She cares about us just as much if not more than we care about us. Her heart is big enough to love us, trust me."

   Micah leaned his head on her chest. "Why are you stopping me from getting her back here. With us. If she's not convinced, I wanna show her. We can show her we can take care of her. I can show her that I can take care of both of you." 

   Taylor smiled into his hair, "Something tells me you've been holding that in for a long time." She giggled when he groaned into her breast, "You know it would've been a lot easier to claim her as yours if you admitted you actually wanted her as yours to begin with." He groaned again.

   Taylor sighed, "Micah we can't go to her cause that would make it worse. If she's separating herself from us like you said, than if we suddenly barge in-"

  Micah growled on her chest and slid his hand between her bare midsection between her cotton shorts and sports bra, "Barge in on what? She's ours. Mine." 

   Taylor smiled in full agreement of his words, but she had to disagree with him before he got carried away, "Slow down hot shot. She's not ours, not yet. And that's not what I meant. If we try to force her out of the party it'll upset her. And you know her when she's mad." Micah bursted out laughing. 

   "Yeah she's something." He toyed with the bottom of her sports bra. He softly bit the top skin of her breast that popped from her bra and then looked up at her, piercing her with his cool electric colored eyes, "You are too, princess. Just cause I love her, doesn't mean I don't still love you. You're my world." She pulled his head up to her level and pressed her lips to his with a lack of words to say. 

    With his lips against hers, he pushed her back flat onto the bed. His hands swept down her sides awaking up all her nerves. Micah nipped at her bottom lip and let his tongue slide over it soothingly. With a hiss he rolls his hips down on hers and she pants below him. He pulls back and she leans up and attacks her lips to his upper neck mouthing against him as he sharply grabs her hips for control over himself. 

    He pulls back a little and out of breath he whispers her name, "T-Tay." Taylor trails her lips to his ear, "I know Mickey. I know. I love you too." He stares down at her adoringly and she leans back. She's quite a sight. Her short platinum straight her falls gracefully and effortlessly around her fair skin. She's panting and her breast rise and fall with every breathe she takes hypnotizing Micah. Her pupils are blown wide and her grey eyes are dark with lust. With cheeks painted rose, she smiled at him. God, Micah loved her. There were very few girls who would be okay to know that their boyfriend were secretly in love with both them and their best friends.

   Micah couldn't help falling for Rory being similar yet different to Taylor in every way possible; both of them being everything he ever wanted. And now knowing he could actually have both of them. His heart soared in his chest. 'He'd make sure he'd treat them both perfectly, they were everything to him,' Micah thought. 'He'd be damned if anyone laid a finger or tried to hurt either of his girls.' Micah reached across the counter and dropped his keys and picked up the phone instead. He calmly handed it to Taylor. "Call her princess. Make her come back to us."  

 ***

   Unknown to them, Rory was a lot closer than either of them thought. 

 

   Much like Taylor had joked, Rory was in the dark tight blue dress that she had bought with Taylor and Micah. Thinking about the experience had her checks flushing. Standing in Edge Look and being forced into the dressing room by Taylor as Micah sat to the side and watched her get manhandled with a smirk had her wanting to kill best friend. But it was walking out of the dressing room in the dress was the most embarrassing thing. Shuffling in the dress barefoot against the carpet floor as both her best friend and her best friend's boy friend had fallen silent and started at her with wide intense eyes. They had looked her like...

   Rory shook her head, no, it wasn't that at all. She had long convinced herself that the grey and blue eyes that had stared at her with an almost unrecognizable emotion had simply been surprise and approval of the dress; and not of the girl in the dress. Similarly to how she had convinced herself that if she put on the dress, despite the fact that Taylor had convince Micah to buy it for her, she would most definitely regret it. And she definitely regret putting it on. 

  Bryan, a boy in her advance calculus, had stopped her after class to asked her to come to this party that another one of her classmates (Matthew-she thought his name was) was holding. A lot had been bothering her lately regarding her best friends and she was almost going to say no. Till one of those said best friends turned the corner near the end of the hallway and glared daggers at Bryan hand was on her arm. That to be quite frank pissed her off, they had no right to treat her like a baby who couldn't handle herself. Thus quickly changing her mind. She needed some time to regroup herself away from her best friends anyways. Her friends, Taylor and Micah were dating and they were driving her nuts. 

   Despite the fact they were dating they seemed to draw close to her and bring out the most elicit reactions out her that she still refuse to even acknowledge. But if she didn't back up from the golden couple, Mr. And Mrs. Prom King and Queen, she was gonna lose it. They were so perfect for each other and it wasn't fair that they should feel guilty about how they felt for one other simply because Rory had stupidly caught feelings for both of her best friend. It was much easier to pretend she wasn't jealous when she wasn't around the couple who seemed to forever be on gushy mode and couldn't keep their hands off each other. It made her sick. Hell she was sick, to have feelings for two people so strongly who were complete different genders and were dating each other. It was completely unethical. This is what prompted her answer to Bryan to be yes. Bryan was a shaggy haired blonde boy with light blue eyes, he was cute and he was interested. She needed to get over both her crushes so she agreed to go to the party and meet him there. 

   That whole day she avoided her friends, and only texted Taylor before going to the party. 'They were "It" couple after all,' Rory thought bitterly. So of course it was possible they were going to be there, so she had to make sure. But according to Taylor, her single working mother had taken a 2 week long business trip and both her siblings had left earlier to their friends houses, giving Taylor the house to herself. Both Taylor and Micah had taken advantage of the alone time. 

  'Probably in her room.' Rory sulked at the time. This made her more determined than ever to go to the party and have fun without either of them, and most definitely not think about anything they could be doing in Taylor's room alone with no parental supervision. 

    That itself had been a mistake. Going to the party that is. Rory knew she hated parties. Or at least hated going to them with out Taylor to make fun of people with and Micah to ward off all the annoying drunk party goers, mostly male. It hadn't been that bad at first. She had gotten there and while the music was loud and the house had been in full party mode, it was almost hypnotic. She had grabbed a red cup and had drank herself tipsy in boredom cause while she wasn't irritated with the party, Bryan hadn't seemed to want to show himself. She had eventually gotten bored of standing in a corner watching people grind and basically have sex with each other out on the dance floor, if you could call the living room a dance floor. She began to walk around with stumbled steps and was actually genuinely surprised and hurt to see Bryan playing tongue hockey with a some girl in the kitchen. 

   'Damn,' she thought. 'Had her willingness to get over her best friends convinced that this guy had actually been interested in her. Ha, he invited her to a freaking party that should've been her first guess.' 

  Bryan had pulled back from the girl and had proceeded to try to grab Rory in some form of apology. "R-Rory. Baby-"

   "Um no. Don't call me baby, I'm not your baby. I think you got me confused with that girl who had your tongue down her throat." Rory slightly slurred and stumbled as she stepped back. "H-have fun by the way." She turned on her heel and walked straight out the party. She then proceeded to call herself an uber, because she wasn't a moron. 

   When asked where to take her Rory made the biggest mistake of her entire existence, well at least she thinks so.  She gave the driver Taylor's address. Rory cussed to herself as she stared up at the tan colored two story house before her. Before she could turn and tell her driver, who she already paid, that she made a mistake and to take her home he had already drove away. Rory sighed and looked to the sky. This was another mistake, cause being tipsy didn't exactly make her balanced and she felt her head sway and she barely caught herself before she tumbled into the pavement of Taylor's driveway. Rory groaned, 'Taylor's driveway, Taylor's front yard, Taylor's house.' She giggled, life had a way with fucking with her 

   Her phone went off and Rory jumped in surprise and blinked when she saw Taylor's home phone pop up as the caller ID. 

   Rory clicked the answer button and smiled, "Hellooooo!"

***

    Taylor leaned down in anticipation after putting the call on speaker and flinched back at Rory's loud scream. 

   "Rory? Bae, are you okay?"

   Taylor's stomach clenched when she heard Rory giggle, "Hiii best friend!"

   Micah slid up beside her and leaned his bare chest on Taylor's nearly bare back. "Tay, I think she's drunk. Shit I knew we should've went to get her."

   Rory giggled, "Nuh uh. I'm tipsssy." 

    Micah sat forward and leaned down to the phone, "Baby where are you? I'm coming to get you."

    "Sillyyyyy. I'm hereeeee." 

   Micah's eyes furrowed, "What? Baby girl stop playing. Where are you?"

    "I'm not a baby." Rory whined petulantly, "Stahhhp it. H-He...he called me that. No."

    Micah growled lowly, "Who called you that?"

    "B-Bry...um..Bryan...umm are you mad?"

     Taylor sucked her teeth, "I knew he was trying to talk to her." Taylor raised her voice for Rory to hear her, "Roar don't let him touch you! We are coming tell us where you are."

    Rory made a loud bleh noise. "Nooo. B-Bryan is..is t-touching someone else." And Rory sighed as if she was talking to two 5 year old that would not listen and spoke slowly, "I s-said I'm here sillyyy."

    Micah stood off the bed and walked away in frustration and Taylor groaned in irritation. Dammit why wouldn't Rory just tell them where she-

    "Oh shit." Micah exclaimed. Taylor's head snapped up to look at the dark haired boy standing by the window looking down, "Princess, she's actually here. She's dancing in the grass." Micah let out an incredulous laugh and whispered, "Thank god," before rushing out the door and down the stairs. Taylor was quick on his tail. When they reached outside Rory was no longer in the grass dancing, but instead in front of the door humming with a dreamy smile. 

   "Hiiiii besties. Took you long e-enough." Rory hiccuped and stumbled past them and with wobbly feet began to race her away upstairs. "Jesus," Micah raced after her and began to help her up the stairs. She stumbled for a few seconds and nearly hit a wall once she reached the second floor, but Taylor straightened her and lead Rory to her room. Micah promptly pushed the door open and watched amused as Taylor lead a now struggling protesting Rory to the bed.

   Honestly, it was less leading and more pulling and dragging from Taylor's part, with added retreating and whimpering from Rory. Taylor finally gave up and stood straight allowing Rory to slump against her and bury her head between Taylor's neck and shoulder.

 "Dammit Rory, why won't you lay down?" 

   Rory mumbled something briefly onto Taylor's neck and Taylor shivered as it touched her through. "W-What? Bae, I can't hear you." Taylor regretted this instantly as Rory rapped her arms around her neck and pressed tightly into her putting Taylor and Rory body to body. She moved her soft lips next to Taylor's ear and let out a soft whimper and Taylor's thighs clenched. Rory delicately ran her hand over her bare sides and up to her breast, sliding her finger innocently over Taylor's sports bra. Her finger felt hot, so hot. Taylor could feel them through the fabric. She could feel them slide over her nipples. "Fuck," Taylor moaned and gripped her sides tightly as Rory ran her lips on Taylor's ear slowly. 

   "I'm not tired."    

    Rory's voice snapped her back to reality. 'Shit,' Taylor thought. 'Rory drives me crazy and I almost just lost control.' Taylor looked up and by the door Micah stood with a fist clenched tightly on the knob and teeth digging into his bottom lip, his eyes were dark with lust. "Fuck, Taylor." Micah voice was beyond deep and was dripping arousal, "Let me take her..." He cleared throat, "I mean, let me put her to bed. I can handle her."

    Micah walked up behind her and lifted the small brunette into  his arms in a bridal position, "Come on baby girl. To bed with you before you drive my princess crazy. Little minx." Micah smiled softly when Rory rapped her hands around his neck and giggled. 'Ha,' Micah thought. She actually wasn't fighting him and letting him take care of her. And Micah loved to take care of her as Rory so rarely let him. 

   He laid her down gently and turned when she heard Taylor digging around in her dresser. She pulled out pajama shorts and a tank top, "I'm gonna change her into this."

    "R-Right now? Change her now?" Micah cleared her throat and as he was distracted Rory whimpered at no longer being paid attention to. From her place laying on the bed, Rory raised her legs up and rapped them around Micah's waist and her arms around his neck. "Mickeyyy." She whined and raised her hips up to his shifting. Micah was sure he was losing his mind at the delicate hypnotizing up and down movement of her crotch against his through his sweatpants and her hand trailing down his bare back. "R-Rory," he groaned. "Ugh baby, you gotta-" he panted as her nails dug into his back and her lips into his neck. 'What was with her and putting her lips all over them when she was tipsy?' Micah thought, 'Taylor wasn't kidding about Rory being frisky.'

   "Kitten," he groaned and his mind nearly snapped when he heard Rory moaned below him and Taylor whimper behind him, both of them shifting in place. Abruptly, Rory pulled him down completely on the bed and rolled him to her other side. Taylor couldn't help the laugh at the comical sight of small 5'3 drunk Rory, pulling a 6'3 sober and surprised Micah down into the bed. Micah bounced from his place on the bed and blinked in shock, "How the f-"

   Rory shushed him promptly and cuddled into his bare chest, "Sleepy Mickey." Micah couldn't help the warmth in his blood at the cute nickname Rory whispered, that Taylor sometimes called him. He softly petted her hair wavy brown hair till she slipped into sleep. Taylor had long moved to the edge of the bed and sat and watched the amazing display before. Two of the the most important people in her world were together before her eyes and she couldn't help beaming. Taylor crawled up and told Mickey to roll Rory over slightly towards him. With her body rolled to the side, Taylor pulled the zipper down letting her finger graze against the olive smooth skin of Rory's back. 

   Micah watched with electric eyes blazing hot like a blue fire. Taylor pulled the dress off Rory's shoulders and looks at Micah with a pointed look for the sake of her best friends modesty. Micah stared back at determined. She could beat him with a pillow he wasn't taking his eyes off either of them. Taylor broke under his intense stare. No one had a look quite like Micah she realized. With a resigned sigh she proceeded to pull the blue dress down and both her and Micah sucked in a breath at Rory's breast covered by a black lace bra. Taylor quickly slid her tank top onto Rory's arms and over her head, before she and her boy friend lost their nerve. She continued to pull it down off Rory's legs and pulled off her flats as well.

   Taylor and Micah chuckled together, even with a dress like that Rory refused to wear heals. Micah trailed his hands down Rory's bare thighs and sighed, "God cupcake, I can't wait till she ours. I can't wait till the both of my kittens are mine." He slid his hands slightly and watched his large fingers on her thick thighs. "Fuck I want you both." He watched Taylor slide her pants up her legs. 

   After this Taylor and Micah fixed Rory on the left side of the bed and covered her. They watched her shuffle for warmth till Micah slid in the middle again and she settled as she felt his skin and cuddled back into him. Taylor giggled at the soft look on Micah's face and blushed when he looked at her in an indecent manner much like usual when they were alone. "Close the light princess. Lay on my other side, I wanna have both my girls in my arms."

She quickly followed instructions and in the dark made her way into the bed on the right side. With one arms Micah pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers. "You guys are gonna drive me crazy, babe." Taylor rolled her eyes, "We aren't even doing anything."

   Micah pulled his hands from around and led Taylor's hand to his crotch and rubbed against his hard bulge. "You guys do everything to me. You feel that baby?" Taylor gasped and felt liquid pool in her underwear, "Y-yea." She began to move her hand down against him thought his sweats and was fairly certain he wasn't wearing any briefs or boxers underneath. "Oh god." Micah groaned and pushed his hips up into her palm and Taylor rubbed hardly as he panted. They almost lost themselves till Rory shifted besides them and they both froze. "Later," Micah panted. "Later when she's awake and aware. I want you both. I want you to touch me. I want you to make her touch me too." 

   Taylor moaned softly and leaned down into his neck. Her legs shifted against his. "Okay. Okay I will."

   "Good. Sleep now baby." Micah whispered and ran his hand through Taylor's hair luring her to sleep much like Rory. Micah smiled at his two babies finally his. He let the breathing of them both lure him into slumber and drifted away with the word "mine" on his mind. 

A/N:

Hey guys. So that was it! It was a story once upon a time that I was gonna fully write out. There was tons of scenarios on how it went but if it wasn’t clear by now.... it was a “Thruple” or “Ménage a Trois” relationship. Basically a closed monagomous relationship of three. Well the development TO THAT status, as far as when the story starts off.

The idea of it and the complications and the love and just all of it, is something I would still love to write and explore...I feel like I wrote this when I was young and there was a lack of representation in my cast, as well as some problematic💀 wild elements. But it was still mine ya know? And for being 15, my writing wasn’t that bad ya know? I feel like I’m sorta getting better, but sometimes I’m like lol it’s the same shit just prettier words. But this piece was 100% unedited! So I’m proud even with the mistakes and other stuff.

Follows the story of this girl nerdy girl Rory... who fell hopelessly for her popular best friend Taylor. And then got blindsided by her crush on equally popular devil-may-care (lol) Micah, Taylor’s to-be boyfriend. Lmao thinking back this entire concept is wild and kind of ironic in the worst way. Anyways. I thought the story of their romance like all of them was really cute. And there was multiple versions. Some of them falling for each other in different orders and them being much older in life sometimes younger, but this happened. Idk. I’m equally extremely proud and crippling embarrassed for having created this absolute brilliant garbage.

But anyways I hope you guys enjoyed it!❣️ May have more random little things I wrote for me to post. As embarrassing and wild as they all were.

I was really out her writing since I was like 7. And I only started to branch out more on paper and stuff, when I was like 10 and had my DSI. And I made visual comic art stories on Flipnote (those were the days!) and then I joined wattpad and started writing with my cousin at 11 or 12. And the rest was history. *Sigh* Memory lane is great.

Thanks for reading💗

Signed, Erikawritesss

[irepookie]

Infinity

Summary: QUEEN AU where Roger (akaRow) is a teen single dad and aspiring rock star

Warnings: fluff fluff fluff and some cursing.

Words: 2090

I changed the names Cause I feel more comfortable writing it that way (idk why) but I could re-change them if that'd help you getting more into the story.

Rowan Queen: (tho you can imagine Ben as well. This is my take)

Chapter 1: I'm here

Written from his mother's POV, which gives us some insight on the family background and history as the first day of the rest of their lives unravels.

Gina Marie Queen (neé Thomas) had always been ahead of her time. She was never a fearful woman. Not for men anyway. She hadn't had a father -that alcoholic piece of shit was nothing close to that.-

And for all she knew, she hadn't had a husband either -another waste of space-. She had finally kicked him out hers and her son's life after 10 years of hell when that drunk asshole's rehearsal fits had made her lose the daughter she had been longing for since she could remember.

He could throw plates at her, and she'd fight back burning his beloved match tapes. Or intoxicate his food. Those were her favorite paybacks.

He could verbally abuse their son, and wake up with pink hair the next day. (Rowan's idea when he was 10)

But the night he had pushed her and she had broken waters at month number 5, that was it.

It should have ended earlier, she knew. Her unborn daughter shouldn't have had to suffer the consequences for Gina to finally throw his shit out the window and soak them in the Jack Daniels bottle he hid under his side of the bed and light them with the lighter he'd switch his bloody cigars.

But unfortunately that's what it had taken.

And she would have strangled him in his sleep if she had known Rowan would be taken care of while in jail. But she wasn't. And someone had to think of the rebellious trouble maker too.

And when her son -yes, she decided that rebellious trouble maker was, more or less, worthy of the title despite being the spitting image of the his father- became a father, Gina feared her granddaughter would have the same fate. Row had it in his genes and , as much she had tried to raise him as best as she was capable of, that fear never faded.

So when the phone rang

"Rowan Queen?"

""I'm his mother"

"I'm from the Hospital's maternity aisle. We call to inform you that his daughter's mom has disappeared after giving birth..."

That was all she needed to hear before dropping the phone and leaving it hanging upside down

"ROWAN EUGENE QUEEN! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"I've got rehearsals with the band..."

"YOU GOT SOMEONE PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT??!"

"Me? No!"

"WELL THINK AGAIN!"

"Mum..."

"Just got a call from hospital saying your daughter's mother has disappeared after birth!!! And they called us!"

He was high school's infamous Playboy. Blonde, Blue Big eyes, and a charming smile. And on top of that, one of the four members of a wannabe rock band. The Hot Drummer, they call him .Gina knew. She didn't need to hear about his reputation to know the likelihood of him getting someone pregnant was high. But she had pictured it differently.

She grabbed him by the wrist and pulled, but he didn't move. He kept staring at nowhere.

"Rowan!!!"

No reaction.

She had to slap his cheek in order to get him out his shock

"What do you want?!"

"We're going to hospital, right now"

"What? Why?"

"To work this shit out!!"

"But we have to rehearse"

"Fuck that shit Rowan! They've just told us you got someone pregnant and she run off! That's the most important thing right now so get in that this instance!!"

He did as told. It was a tense car ride. And Gina remembered Elsa. Her baby girl. And how for her father's fault she wasn't there.

"So what now?" Row asked

"We're putting her up for adoption, unless they can contact the mother, although I don't think she should have a say. But if you're the so called father and your name is in the file, we can leave your part signed and then go home."

"Oh"

Gina thought she caught a hint of disappointment in his voice.

It had to be her imagination. Disappointment over what? Missing the wonderful experience of being a teen dad? Ha.

He did look thoughtful. He hadn't even turned on the radio.

Something was off.

But she figured he'd just want to get this whole thing over with, and that he'd sign her over to a better family. As anyone with minimum common sense would

Right?

Then, as they waited for the application, he asked if he could see her.

Her answer was immediate "No"

"Why?"

"How come Why? Why on Earth would you want to see her?"

"Well I'm here. You've been freaking out , and freaking me out as well. Might as well see who this fuss is about"

"A baby. That's it. You don't need to see one. They all look the same. Small, Wrinkly, like a large prune. There you have it"

"Well I wanna see my... That small wrinkled prune"

Damn. He had said <<mine>>. He already considered her his.

Gina changed her strategy.

"Your name is on the certificate, right. But that means nothing"

"Why would it be there otherwise?""

"A mistake. Or maybe the mother just wants to tangle you up."

"The mother's gone"

"Yes. For now. It's called Baby Blues, and when it's gone She'll have you exactly where she wants to. Because I'm guessing she won't be no straight A student either, and you'll have to sustain them both -if you ever make it to college- and you'll end up getting married, and maybe you don't even love her, but divorce is even more tedious than getting married. That's why I've Never done it. So you'll both be stuck as cashiers in whatever low cost store, and then she'll confess that you were her high school crush but that the kid is actually her ex boyfriend's and then you'll throw a fit, and you'll get in a fight and you'll end up grabbing whatever is on your reach to hit whoever's on your reach...."

"Wait mom. I just... I just wanna see her." Row cut her off " Whoever the fuck she may actually be, I'm the one who's here. And I ain't signing anything without knowing who I'm making decisions for. That's all. I just want to see. I don't even want to touch her or whatever. Just knowing who's the reason I had to turn the boys down today. Then I'll sign the paper and we'll go home."

"She's in the NICU anyway. Doubt they'll let you in"

"What's NICU?" Gina caught genuine concern in his voice.

"Nothing bad." She reassured.

They handed the files, and she took them "I'll fill them"

She got through the first page, and he was gone.

Shit. That stubborn bastard.

She didn't want him to be a father. He was 19 for fucks shake. Had never had one of his own. He had only moved out a couple months ago. Nothing lasted much for him. Wether it was a girlfriend, a job, clothes... His longest pet had reached one year alive. And he couldn't go long without getting injured

Not even his drum kit had survived the move, and was litterally patched up. She'd consider herself guilty of murder if she allowed a baby to be on that list. Not to mention the alternative was that she'd be the one, sooner or later, to take over. Because he was never patient and would stress too much -if he didn't lose interest first- or get fed up and cause her shaken Baby syndrome. And just as she was too young to be a grandmother, she was too old to raise a second kid.

So she stormed inside the NICU aisle ready to get him out of there. And what she saw was quite breathtaking. The look in his eyes was priceless: such fondness and marvel... Only comparable to when he had first seen that red Ludwig drum set through the glass of the local music store.

"I've never seen something so awesome in my life!" He had said.

They had never been able to afford it. He had tried to get a job after school, to save up everything. But it hadn't been enough. And he'd go everyday to that street, and just stare at the shiny wonderful kit for hours, hands on the glass, knowing that the likelihood of ever owning it was almost non existent.

He ended up making acquaintance with the owner. They tried to bargain for it, but his lowest price was way too high for them. He did get to play it once tho, and it was an undescribable experience. Murray, the owner, let him give it a try out of pity when someone else bought it, as a farewell. And had never seen anything like it again.

Now this baby was, technically, his -regardless of what biology could say- and he was about to give it away.

Gina did know on first hand it was, having been a volunteer on midwife assistance with her aunt. And 10/10 woman who swore to never want anything to do with their child changed their minds as soon as they laid eyes on them. Only those who really followed through -take it away, I don't wanna see it- walked out there with empty arms.

Now Row was looking at that baby ad if she was a treasure, but that meant nothing in the long term. His father had done something similar to Elsa's sonogram.

Her poor little girl. So young.

So helpless. She had been so naive thinking he would ever change.

But she wasn't gonna make that mistake again. She loved her son, but he really wasn't good at anger management.

She couldn't expose another innocent child to such danger.

"Rowan, come here now. You've seen her. Got what you wanted. Met her. Now let's get this over with"

His hand was resting on the top of the incubators glass, even if he had unglued his eyes from the tiny being inside and nailed on her now, as if he had been staring at the sun for a long while and was now blinded.

"Why the hurry?"

Was she hearing correctly?

"How come Why the hurry? Because we both have things to do"

"I've already cancelled the one plan I had..."

"Well I still have an errand to get done."

He didn't reply, eyes back on the child

"Rowan" she approached him, making sure not to look at the kid. "Rowan Eugene Queen, look at me when I'm talking to you" she ordered in a strict tone

"What?"

"Papers. Signature. Now"

"I'm thinking about it"

"Thinking about...?! Thinking about what? What's there to think? Sign these and we'll go home, and we'll never have to look back at this! Nobody has to know."

"And what about the raisin?"

"The what?"

"Her. What about her?"

"She'll be fine. Adopting couples love newborns. She'll go to a fit, nice marriage and will be very happy. And we'll resume our lives"

"And I'll never see her again?"

"Why do you care?"

He just shrugged and turned his attention back to her. Gina watched him watch her. Goddamn. She was losing him.

"Are you the father?" A nurse asked, walking towards.

*Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it*

Gina prayed.

"I suppose I am" He said it so naturally, with such a bright genuine smile that Gina almost forgot how critical those words were.

"Well, I'm Callie, and I'm on charge tonight. Congratulations, Mr... Oh, Queen." Her eyes widened When reading the tag on the incubator. "We're glad at least someone's here"

"Yea, well..." He scratched the back of his head nervously

"Don't worry. Her mom will get over it." She turned to Gina "You must be Gran..."

"No I'm not" Gina snapped harshly before she could finish the sentence "We were leaving"

"We were not"

"Rowan, I will not repeat it. Sign those bloody papers and get your ass back in the car"

"What if I don't want to?"

"This is serious! There's no other way!"

"Yes there is!"

"You can't be serious!" What 19 year old would ever choose this?

"Well I am"

"You don't even know what serious means! You have no sense of responsibility! You've never finished anything you've ever started!"

"Maybe I want to change! Maybe I can grow up if you stop pestering the shit outta me day In day out! This is not your decision!"

"I'm not letting you do this Row!"

"Then go! Leave me the fuck alone and stop getting in my way!"

Before Gina could answer, a small cry came from the incubator.

And she found herself walking backwards.

It was right she couldn't stop him but she wasn't gonna take part on it.

So she turned around and left, as the nurse explained Row how to hold his newborn daughter.

"You're not gonna break her, I promise. You'll do fine. Because you're here. Just because you're here I know you're gonna be a great dad. You already are" Callie said, putting his trembling arms on the correct position before lifting the small white bundle out the incubator.

They usually didn't do it unless it was necessary for a feed or a change, but she thought this was even more important: they had to meet each other properly: The little one needed to hold on to someone after being abandoned. And there was something in the young boy's eyes that told her he needed just the same.

So with a reassuring smile Callie placed her on Rowan's arms, who brought her closer to his chest by instinct, a small smile already on his lips as he took in her features.

She was gorgeous. And he didn't know why, but he found her to be the most perfect thing he had ever seen. He instantly knew he was gonna protect that wrinkled prune at all costs.

"Hey there, lil'raisin. I'm..." He swallowed the lump in his throat "I'm your Dad and... I'm here now."

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

Hope you guys liked it

It's my first fic on Tumblr so I still don't have the formatting completely handled and my phone won't let me select all the paragraphs at once to put it all in regular font.

Let me know what you think. Thank you all!!😍😍😍😍

~Pookie

[truerescreatuconfessions]

this is in response to "you'd think Schemes would have to be on her best behavior now to keep her account - yanno, like the rest of us would have to - but nope lol. She has started arguments in the sb & ignored staff when they intervened, publicly spoken about & posted in her blog/profile about this Rescon and her ban (topics the rest of us aren't allowed to mention)... Just get use to it. The rules don't apply the same to everyone, period. That's policy now. Pegasus & Hallows are to thank for it."

as silly as i may seem sitting here, defending the same people who probably banned me, please don't shift blame meant for me onto pegasus or hallows; they don't deserve that. please try to be understanding and kind. they're doing their job, and..its not an easy one.

my actions or "crimes against res" have been judged, that much is clear. i have no intentions of clearing my name anymore, its pointless, partially because of myself, and partially because most of you have decided who i am for me. on a positive note for those who do care about me, update- i've been putting my mental and physical health first and boy do i feel great. came back from my doctors apt for my upcoming surgery to..being banned.. and i didn't even react. we only give power to what we allow and i choose peace.

i don't care if my name is slandered on here, its been slandered from the birth of this blog, i might've even been its muse <3 :') ily guys for keeping my name alive and there is no sarcasm intended here, i just try to make myself laugh even in crappy situations.

however the same defense i wrote about dan i'll repeat here about pega and hallows, and i don't even know her (hallows). my actions are my actions and please let's just keep the blame focused on me. i can handle it. i've never felt so low reading these posts and at one point it almost really destroyed me completely, but i'm getting by. don't slander others names especially if you don't know how hard they work, (idk how hard now but pegasus used to bust her ass as support and i respect her a lot) or what they struggle with internally and what harm it could do to them, so don't try to drag their names through the mud. its really cruel and unfair. 

also i'd like to note that the only "confrontation i had in sb" where it may have seemed like i was starting something was with rowan, who i apologized to minutes later. in my defense, my name was brought up first, and my clarification of the situation may have come off verbally harsh. it was a big miscommunication, and to my knowledge rowan and i do not have hard feelings towards each other. they're pretty neat. 

i have posted about my ban in my blog which last i checked wasn't against the rules. the rules state to refrain from discussing banned members, not "you can't discuss your own ban"

(however when i was banned people were talking about me in the sb? its the double standards for me) me, speaking on my own ban is well within the rules and my right. i never mentioned word for word "truerescreatuconfessions" or even the words RESCON or referred anyone to this blog, so how did i break the rules/am above them??? i said "a blog" and right away that wording was automatically edited and removed from my posts and i was given a warning. soo.....what are you even saying anon?

the rules apply to everyone, including me which is why im banned, again. anyway, the lesson i've learned is that i can't expect the same love i show people and i've learned that the hard way this time around. just because i call people my friends doesn't mean they really consider me a friend. i'm only their friend when its beneficial to them, such as getting them a job on staff, a promotion, or saving them from being fired. LOL. tea time for another day ig if y'all are nice to me!!!!! once im no longer beneficial, or doing someone a favor or helping / gifting someone (by the way, this is something i would do because it made me HAPPY, not because i needed them or wanted them to like me. i like me, and i.. don't need anyone, except the people who have shown time over time they are my true friends. the ones who call who check on me, the ones who FaceTime me while im in the hospital sick, the ones who send me random messages throughout the day telling me i am loved, and that things do get better, and guess what? they have gotten better.)

another thing i noticed, once i started making new friends, my other "friends" start showing secret animosity. i can't ever win.. things turned around for me post my unbanning and i earned pets onsite but y'all will say its fake. ya'll will say dan changed my hatch luck. the same dan who fined me my entire savings//tu i had on res, the same dan who took my favorite creatu as punishment? lol stop.

the sad part is almost all the amazing creatu ive obtained since my unban weren't even hatched by me. they were hatched by random people or just active users, but that holds no weight here. i understand trust has to be earned. i really did try to be the best person i could be to everyone and as impartial as possible however when people get upset with me for picking and choosing who i decide to share MY pets and my time with, thats where i draw the line, because its ridiculous. i'm just happy that i got to fulfill a few more players goals such as unicorn w/ her albino kioka, and boonys with their achromatic and albino liyure, and i got to witness stargazer hatch an albino liyure which she's been trying to obtain for years and the matching colored pets eldritch and i hatched and tagged matching names onto. moments like THOSE are the ones i'll always remember. i know i have no say over anything pertaining to my account since i'm banned, but i truly truly hope juke gets heartache. they were working on an oak for me and they paid me half, and although the chances of that happening are slim, i really hope they obtain the name. i hope kitsune is returned to jess, she allowed me to hold on to it. i hope espeon, lust, anxiety, requiem and yvetal are returned to akechi. i was only babysitting them. there are logs of this. i also sold reptile to anakin a while ago, but i forgot to tag the name off because i got so caught up in rl it slipped my mind and she forgot to remind me, but it is my fault. the name and pet do belong to her though. i really wanted to gift my albino cyid to zydrate for their memorial pet on their birthday, but i guess my time has run out. i'm so so sorry. 

for anon below who, let me rephrase, for multiple anons who have expressed their hatred, dislike or indifference towards me, all your opinions are valid. i respect you for voicing it. i work on being a better person every day, so no one ever has to feel that way because of me again. i never meant to hurt anyone, and if i did, i am genuinely sorry. 

------------------------------------------

Note from the Moderator

I trust staff will uphold their policy regarding the contents of accounts previously owned by banned users, as no banned user (aside from Matt) has been allowed to dictate what happens to their belongings after being banned or move them to other accounts for "safe keeping" (as mentioned in a statement issued by staff on the official Rescreatu anonymous submission thread). If a user has a transaction in progress with a banned account I recommend they contact staff to have the transaction completed or refunded (I assume staff would have the final say in any pending transactions).

[leylight]

@ciaraloves Ciara Ciara Ciara I can't believe I finally made it. And I have a lot to say but at the same time I have no words for what happened. I already finished it about two to three weeks ago but I just needed some time to process what happened and also to actually write this cause my English is weirdly failing me these days so I wrote this after I didn't slept for more than 24 hours yeah best idea I ever had. Anyways let's start getting through my notes. I got back to the roots and divided it once again into the two parts of the book.

Part 1:

I am so so proud of Aelin that she was able to endure in the iron box without getting broken or reveal any kind of information about the keys. Although my heart broke several times seeing her suffer. Sometimes I thought that she lost her will to live and it hurts so much. Seeing her break down and everything oh gosh my heart... It hurts...

But I'm so happy that she found more allies she can trust because of the blood oath in Fenrys and Lorcan. Their family getting bigger and bigger and I love that. 🥺

Dorian managed to shape shift like what is this man not able to do? He became so powerful I'm gonna cry my eyes out

I'm also felt so sad for Aedion and Lysandra for losing in that one battle and falling apart because of that and because of her pretending to be Aelin and everything. I didn't really like how he treated her... like throwing her out in the snow... naked... Wth Aedion? I love you but why did you do that??

And finally Chaol and Aelin reunited and I don't know why it hit me so emotionally but it I was so happy to see that. And of course Yrene and her meeting once again so she can actually how she change one's life.

Oh and of course Manon proving she is worth of being the Queen *chefs kiss*

And Elide being so extremely brave and search on the battlefield for Lorcan although everything seemed so hopeless dkskakfkdksl And then Aelin vaporizing the water and saving the rest of the army... Ahsgdjsksk THAT'S THE AELIN I MISSED

Also I'm so mad at Chaols father for the things he tried to do and he did istg 😑

Part 2:

Dorian in Morath...

oh

my

goodness

All what he did there... Like I'm official a simp for him like I was before but psssst 🤫. I mean he mastered Maeve's abilities and turn the tables like assfhsjkfflkk Marry me. Now! He controled her mind and even took Maeve's ability to create portals away. I mean I knew he was powerful but oh my I was not aware of that

I'm happy that Aedion and Lysandra sort their things out although I would be still so mad cause me myself and I can be a very unforgiving person, it takes a long time to reach that point but also a long time for me to forgive you then... anyways I kinda understand them so it'sfine I guess.

And when they all (Aelin, Manon and Dorian) meet again in the Battle... oh boy that battle... maybe I cried maybe not maybe you are the one crying I don't know 👀 Loosing the Thirteen I'm ... no no that was so emotional for me idk I can't talk about that without tissues in the near.

And like that wasn't emotional draining enough no o o oh they decided to forge the lock almost right away. Like let me breathe please. So it wasn't just Aelin or Dorian but both and both were robbed their magic and I thought like no they wouldn't die both and then Dorian's father showing up... WHO'S CUTTING ONIONS HERE? ... And then she took fully revenge on that God's for destroying Elena and trying to leave them behind fflkjsksjalaksl

And I thought now I can breathe right? Nope straight into Orynth and there's the final battle. And losing Gavrial just short after he and Aedion finally met was so damn frustrating.

Back to the last book I didn't thought Yrene would play that important role but she killed Erawan while being pregnant. I AM IMPRESSED. And Dorian lending his powers....

And the fight with Maeve while Aelin has literally no magic. And Rowan Fenrys and Lorcan helping her till finally Fenrys stabbing her. She suffered which is what she deserved. Aelin finally killing her. I never waited for any death for so long time.

So my expectations were incredibly high and I was a bit afraid that this book couldn't live up to it but I was proved wrong. Reading it was like experience a movie and I got some LOTR vibes. And when book adaptation weren't most of the time a disappointment I would love to see the storyline turned into a film. The only thing is I'm glad that none of my babies died but also I'm sad that they don't at the same time. It's weird. Idk I don't want them to die but I prepared myself to cry for several days and I only got Gavrial so I don't. Does it make sense?

Now we reached the end of these post and well yeah I don't want it to end. Overall when I bought this books early this year I was so excited but also scared about the huge amount of pages. It took me about 10 months to read them all. Sometimes I read incredibly fast and flew through the pages and sometimes it took me about ages to keep reading. But luckily I had the opportunity to switch to the audio books when I lost my motivation to read anything at all. And I read this books when I wasn't in a good condition (especially the first ones) and they gave me a great opportunity to escape the world for a little so they really mean a lot to me. I'm really really sad this journey came to an end now. I don't think this text do my real thoughts justice but I enjoyed it so so so much just putting my thoughts in this posts so a very big thank you and kisses and hugs and everything for reading my updates Ciara! I appreciate it so so much I just can't 🥺 And your responses always made me so damn happy. So thank you thank you thank you ❤ I'm going to cry myself to sleep now but in a good way you know?

And because I hardly can let go let me just drop my playlist which I still have to update a bit since I'm using another streaming service as well

@the-love-yourself-journal I can't believe what I missed all the time. I finally started to read Throne of Glass and I'm half way through and I already freaking love it?

The thing is I'm normally read in my native language because I just can get lost in the stories so much better because I just can let me fall and I'm not tripping over vocabs I don't know. And I can listen to music while reading (I can't stand silence very well) which I totally love and which make me fall in the story even deeper. But although I read Throne of Glass in English and I can't listen to music and sometimes I tremble over some words I just fly through the pages and I'm so hooked that I don't even recognize the silence around me. And I really had to force myself to stop reading and get my things done today. Talking about that please excuse me I have to go reading again I'm just too excited to see what will happen.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

i definitely think i am officially on the "really terrible person, just goddamned awful" roure

and i can either:

apologize for my actions but still cut that fucker off since he was so goddamned disrespectful i swear to god im both cut out for relationships but absolutely terrible at them ending positively man

embrace being a terrible person by just watching a fuckton of mob movies, or tv shows and videos with narcissists, to feel a sense of comfort *instead* of doing something mean and impulsive then feeling chest pains, sweats, and blurry vision

I might apologize.

I still hope he's alright, to an extent. He pissed me the actual fuck off to such an extent that if I had the leg strength for it, I would kick at least six holes in a wall.

But, whatever.

Should I care? I cursed him out to feel good about not letting him shit talk, but now I feel not so good for yknow, being shitty right back. (I could've used better words for my original message ending my friendship for him, but he was salty at me saying the pic thing was 'awkward', [it was and it did kinda hurt ngl but his bitch ass only got 1 singular like, so, good luck to that bitch] and i was getting fed up at the low replies and whatnot.)

Idk. I feel not so great. But also good? Hard to explain.

I feel GOOD that I made him feel bad? But he doesnt feel bad or sorrow for his actions, he just feels bad since I threw a lot of shit about him that I knew would specifically kill him inside in his face. (He did it to me, but idk? Thats like comparing someone flinging a cake in my face, and me throwing back a Meteor Hammer at their fucking eyes, then as theyre already on the ground, stomping on the teeth that flung out of their mouth to a fine dust to make sure the dentist cant just pop those suckers back in.)

So in a way... yes, I was not a super good person today. I can either do that thing where I get totally reckless and uncaring, and block out all forms of guilt, and maybe even the memory entirely... (Stress is already making me really hazy right now, so i may or may not remember this, i suppose.)

Or I can apologize.....

I can't apologize so soon. He's still an asshole, and i need more time to really figure out my feelings.

Still cant really rebuild that shit back, either way. Once a man plays the "not my fault you got attached when i went out of my way to make you really like me" card, (the same thing that gave Patrick that bloody nose, since he was ridiculously stupid to say that wanting to kiss me when i left him was a romantic act.... I'm still sorry about his nose, it's why I cried and pulled out napkins like that once I actually came to fully and saw it.)

Anyway, he played what was a very very very very very not so good card to play on me.

My original retort back was polite; let him know in an intelligent yet still snarky way, "YES dipshit, the whole POINT of my FUCKING PARAGRAPH was to let you know that i am becoming TOXIC and DELUDED and CLINGY, so if I STAY, its gonna have REALLY NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES DUE TO THE NOTICEABLE TENSIONS COMING BETWEEN YOU AND ME DUE TO MY UNRECIPROCATED AFFECTIONS AND FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN."

I worded it a lot better without caps, but I wrote it well. He saw it and didnt reply.

But the way he wrote what he wrote before what I sent.... had my skin crawling and burning, gave me the shakes. If I were a cartoon character, I'd probably glow red or have steam coming out of my ears.

So.

I took the low blow and went lower, then lower again, maybe like five solid times.

....

I'm sorry, Rowan. You didn't deserve that. I shouldn't have brought up your romantic past and shed such a harsh, and negative, light onto you. I could've been nicer about how I handled everything, and I chose a much worse route than what was deserved. You're gonna be okay, with or without me. You have friends that you love, and I still will care about you from a distance, but I can't afford to be involved right now. At the expense of my mental health, and yours.

And I didn't mean to insinuate that we were each other's crutch in a bad way, you know? I mean, its like..... I knew that you were mine, and you've told me on multiple occasions that you felt like I cared about you more than other people have, and whatnot.

That's probably not true, and you have friends of more than 4+ years who would take offense to thinking that the girl you've passively known since February or so, and only clicked with in late March, would like you more than them.

But, I was using you as a crutch too. Not as a, "I'm only using him for validation"... Or, well, not when things got to seeming like you did care for me as well.... I took it at face value, so, whether what you said was a lie or not, know that my platonic and romantic feelings for you grew to be more than just you flashing your dick in a picture, or just aimless flirting. I saw more than that.

And hell, I knew that if you just up and left me someday, I'd crumble. Geez, I'm even crying as I write this shit, and for all I know, he's never even gonna see it....

So yknow, if I was already pretty quickly attached to you, and you knew that... You've known for awhile, since when I first suspected a crush, I told you about it immediately, to avoid the embarrassment of some hidden crush or whatever interfering with an otherwise interesting bond.

I don't get why you thought it would be easy for me, what came next.

None of it was. Hell, I gave you my tumblr for a reason.... to read everything on here. No secrets or hidden fears, just straight up, "This is how she's like, this is how she writes when stressed, or sad, or devastated, or happy, or overjoyed". Seeing whatever about my past or present and my goals for the future... all seriousness.

Just.... too many words to say right now without being super messy in real time with the amount of tears trailing down my face atm.

.....

12:46am.

I was trying to say, we were each other's crutch. You told me that, and I knew it. I could tell. When you'd go off your meds, and think the whole world hated you or that your life was fucked, doing the classic "everyone is fucking muted right now dont even think about messaging me, tag me if you want me to talk".... And I was seemingly the only one unmuted, or your phone was open on my messages the entire time, since your replies were still instant. And I was..... Scared shitless. I still had things to do, but if I made that cup of tea too long, or didnt wash my hands fast enough, or folded clothes more than 5 minutes, then, who knows what would have happened to you?

You eventually told me never to take your posts seriously, but.... That's impossible to do. Just... eugh.

But I also knew that if you did sincerely kill yourself, or simply even stop talking to me, I'd lose my shit.

That, my dear, is called "co-dependency". I needed to remind myself that I have a life outside of you, and vice vera.

You did well, since you have friends to play online board games with, buy and stream video games for, and more. You've got friends to face time, and well, plenty of options everywhere.

And I have..... eh.... I'm finding things tonight that I used to love researching, like hypergamy and art n shit, but still. I was getting a bit too into you, and you were still a bit too into me too..... I get liking a girl, but saying I'm the only person who's ever cared about you is pretty fucked. Don't do that shit, ever, seriously. But if your other friends dont care about you whatsoever to see how you are doing or bother checking in? You maybe did need new friends.....

Anyway. I needed a firm rejection that night. It wouldve gave me time to cool down, accept things for what they are, and cry before waking up and just having another chill day.

I guess me mentioning needing a direct "i have mo feelings fir you i rhat

My jand is falling asleeo

Agj

Whatever

You shohlsve just told me that you never would. Going "well the only reason i havent dated tou is necaude of my pasy, otherwise i totally wouls" tnen postif fuckboh pocs online....

Ha di mstill asleep.

Fuck.

12:59am. Writi g more later. Love you Rowan. Please stay safe and drink some waer please. I mag not be ue friend as od now, but i still want you to do whats right for yoursslf. You lnow how to reach me. Peace yalls.