#anything 4 u mills u r welcome

[virtuemoired]

do a deep dive into “you raise me up” Kobe 2018 i dare you!

thou asked, thou shalt be given. buckle in ladies, bc u r in for a wild ride! welcome to why you raise me up is quite frankly one of the greatest gifts i’ve ever been given.

firstly, i advise u to watch this video FIRST, since this is unrightfully one of their more underrated programs and obviously NONE of y’all watch it on the daily so here’s a refresher:

here we go!

the first notes of the angelic “you raise me up” start playing, and our star crossed lovers are NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. but then- you see the shadows of two figures start to skate out from opposite ends of the rink, and you just KNOW history is about to be made. they slowly make their way towards the centre of the rink AND EACH OTHER, and when they finally touch, all is right in this world. and we are only 20 seconds in. 

first up, we have the iconic lift which if u know me, is my FAVOURITE CHOREOGRAPHIC ELEMENT OF ALL TIME. we started from jack & diane and now we’re here and honestly, i’m crying tears of JOY bc this one’s for me. 

next, we have latch choreography, and i know the haters are going to scream, “but this is RECYCLED choreo, how could it POSSIBLY be any good?” to which i say 1. r u literally forgetting that tessa and scott had an UNDEFEATED season with latch choreography? 2. if u r gonna complain about latch, do NOT come for the incredible, showstopping latch pause™️ in it’s full glory and 3. it is timed perfectly with the music and i will NOT stand for such slander!!!!

moving on, we see them do 1.5 crossovers, but those crossovers are the BEST crossovers i have EVER seen. they transition into my next favourite choreographic element and the only flaw is that the camera angle does not do this MASTERPIECE justice, but i digress. do u see how he picks her up when the word “silence” is sung and places her down EXACTLY when the singer says the word “come”??? and even though this is a LIVE singer, that will NOT stop mr scott patrick moir from being the best ice dancer in the entire world.

more crossovers, and i am already full on SOBBING. what’s more they do it WHILE LOOKING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES and along with the MUSIC as we hit the chorus. when he sings “you raise me up”, their SOULS intertwine and scott lifts her up as “i can stand on mountains” is being sung, and u know what? scott moir let tessa virtue stand on his thighs with knives on her feet for 22 YEARS so yes, i DO think that this is a ~mowment~ for the history books. 

scott spins her in a circle and when the singer says “walk” he extends his leg out which is so EXTRA but so GOOD. then “seas” is being sung, and scott tosses tessa up in the air and catches her RIGHT ON THE PIANO KEY, setting her down on the beat. as paul macintosh said u simply cannot teach this!!! and tessa’s ARMS go together with the music so well, esp when “strong” is being sung, hopefully in the next 10 years we will have those harry potter moving picture frames so i can hang this moment above my first born’s crib.

now comes the part about this video that i absolutely LOVE because they fade their skating footage w the video of the singer and i am hereby declaring that ALL subsequent ice shows w live music should be filmed like that!! 21 summer i am looking at u!!! this is having ur cake and eating it too it is the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS and i am forever INDEBTED to the genius who came up w this idea, probably my lord and saviour the nhk photographer. back to the program. they change dance holds like 3 times, but u don’t even REALISE it bc u r so entranced by their beauty and their grace. also they do it while maintaining EYE CONTACT like HOW oh my god legends only.

we know the iconic goose lift is coming bc the chorus is about to hit and virtuemoir are the most DRAMATIC ice dancers to ever walk the face of the earth. and of course there’s a lighting change bc why NOT. i say, go big or go home, and do it exactly when “you raise me UP” is sung just for the brownie points. next is recycled latch/moulin rouge/long time running choreo and all PERFECTLY TIMED!! they simply DO! NOT! MISS! A! BEAT! and this is the only acceptable way to use recycled choreo, next.

they stay true to the original choreography bc he does a double twizzle even though this ISN’T a competitive skate but scott moir said you will GIVE ME THAT LEVEL 4 for a double twizzle i WILL hit those level features and i felt that in my bones.

v/m really said we will give u all ur fav programs bc they do the final lift from stay and scott lifts tessa on his shoulders as the singer sings “strong”, which is like, such a power move on his part. also completely on brand, bc the full lyrics is “you raise me up when i am on your shoulders” AND TESSA VIRTUE IS LITERALLY ON HIS SHOULDERS, not a misstep in sight.

it is just so pleasing to me that every time the singer sings “you raise me up” they do a lift which is so on the nose and i am LIVING. case in point: he lifts her up on the words “more” bc he is irrefutably declaring that he will take tessa to heights greater than himself. but then before the line finishes he dips her and circles her around and then u REALISE that they are BOTH singing this to EACH OTHER. they are both raising each other up to more than they can be. love that for them.

before the singer sings “you raise me up” one last time, the piano hits one last dramatic key and on that key scott twirls tessa in a circle and this just brings back memories of tessa saying “he is the melody and i am the piano” which hits different, yknow? and to top it all off, in their final lift, they do it exactly in time with the music, when will your faves EVER?

finally, they gaze longingly into each other’s eyes, and i’m JUST saying that if u end off ur performance like this, u give me no CHOICE but to embrace it with open arms. scott whispers “good job” to her, and this image lives in my mind rent free.

bc this is a dare, i am compelled to give u more evidence to substantiate why this performance is one of their best, if you aren’t already convinced. first up, their COSTUMES. if you’d read my top tessa costumes post, then you would know that this is in my honest opinion tessa’s BEST costume, so you raise me up is already looking promising in my book. but then, we have scott moir wearing his carmen costume that he loves oh so much, like seriously, i don’t think he’s reworn any costume more than this one, and i completely 100% understand why. this is long time running!Scott (which is the BEST scott) and carmen!Scott combined, but with the vibes of latch!Scott, so really, we WON with this program, need i say more? this is like what i envisioned everything would be in my dreams, but it was so much better than that. v/m literally raised me up to more than i could be with it.

[vincent-frankenstein]

Bloodbond - Chapter Eight

Part eight of my entry for @ts-storytime !!

Chapter Summary: In the wake of Joan's attack and Roman's revelation, the two find themselves closer than ever. Finally, the Royal Mage — and the freedon he can grant them — are within reach.

Warnings: this one’s actually p lighthearted? tell me if u need anything tagged!

Read on A03

{ 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 }

art by @pattykrabbies {here} and @vdkstar {here}!!!

(cover by @vdkstar <3)

The sun shone brightly on the city far below, turning the capital into a mess of glittering reflections and bright lights. Roman sat on the edge of the cliff as he waited for Anxiety to wake, his gaze heavy and pained as he regarded his castle, his home.

It wouldn’t be long now before his father knew everything. What would happen to Anxiety then? What would happen to him? He’d be punished, maybe even banished. He’d never see his home again.

He drew his knees to his chest and rested his arms atop them, letting out a wistful sigh. He knew every inch of that castle and every memory each inch held — the room where Joan had first trained him, where he’d first learned to use magic; the library where he’d first met Logan, the tiny son of the royal librarian; his tower, high above the rest, where the stars felt close enough to touch. Memories flashed through his mind, and his chest ached at each and every one.

He wanted things to return to how they were. He wanted to go back to his castle, back to those memories. He wanted to go home.

“Princey?”

The sudden voice made him jump to his feet, brushing away every bittersweet thought in favor of a raised brow and a mocking smirk. “Welcome back to the world of the living, demon,” he quipped as Anxiety yawned. “I didn’t know it was possible to sleep for so long.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not my fault I had to use up all my magic,” Anxiety retorted, joining him at the cliff’s edge. “With all the danger you keep getting us into, I need my rest.”

“Hah! What’s life without a little danger?” Roman asked, grinning.

“Safe.” Anxiety reached up to pull his hood over his head before remembering that his cloak had been destroyed. He opted to cross his arms instead, expression unreadable as he regarded the kingdom before them. “So… what are we going to do?” he asked.

“The Royal Mage is the only one who can break this curse,” Roman said. “My father won’t be… happy… but I am the prince and they have to listen to me. I’ll just explain what happened and… and then you can go home.”

Roman didn’t miss the way Anxiety winced, his nails digging into his arm as he tensed. “You’re sure this’ll work?”

He wasn’t sure at all. Joan had been all too willing to fight against him; surely, his father would do the same. But Joan was loyal, and King Odin was cruel, and from what he’d heard, the Royal Mage was a kind man, more than willing to help those in need. He was their only hope.

“I’m sure!” he said after a moment’s pause. “You just have to trust me.”

“Because that’s worked out so well for me in the past, right?” Anxiety raised a brow, his tone just light enough to let Roman know he was teasing. He picked at the bandages around his arm. Roman had healed the injury again that morning with as much magic as he could muster, but their arms were still sore, and the scarring would likely never disappear.

Anxiety didn’t meet Roman’s eyes as he wrapped his good arm around him, his open wings shining in the sunlight. He was still weak from his long flight the night before; he could just barely fly them to the forest directly below, forcing them to walk the rest of the way to the capital. But… that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Something had changed between them. Where they’d once traveled silently, their few conversations riddled with hatred, now they’d settled into a sort of awkward familiarity, talking and arguing almost playfully as they made their way through the forest. What had happened the night before had made everything different.

Roman didn’t mind in the slightest.

He knew the forest they were in like the back of his hand, and his heart panged with nostalgia as he passed the stream where he used to study, and the little clearing where he’d practice his magic. So much had changed since the last time he’d visited.

After today, would he ever be able to visit again?

Morning dragged on into a comfortably warm afternoon, and Roman ignored the doubts flooding his mind and focused on the feeling of the sun across his skin, allowing himself a smile. They’d been walking — and talking — for quite a while, and with every word the demon spoke, Roman knew. His father was wrong.

But their conversation came to an abrupt halt the moment the forest ended and the capital city came into view. Roman stopped in his tracks, regarding the town before them, the people milling about in the streets.

He yanked his cape from his shoulders and whispered a quiet incantation, watching as it shifted into a dark red cloak, just big enough to hide Anxiety’s wings. “Stay close to me,” he whispered as Anxiety threw the cloak over his shoulders, his chest clenching with nervousness.

But no one recognized them among the sea of other faces bustling through, and avoiding the few guards out patrolling was child’s play. Confidence began to push aside the panic in his lungs, and he smiled to himself. This was going to work! It had to.

The Royal Mage lived in a big house just on the edge of the castle grounds, open to any who needed help. Roman had never met the man, but he knew of his power, and of his kindness, and he knew that if they made it to him, they’d be okay.

Soon enough, they found themselves standing on the Royal Mage’s doorstep, bathed in the shadow of the castle looming overhead. Roman took a deep breath, pushing away the doubts gnawing at his stomach, and raised his hands to knock.

“Wait!” Anxiety’s voice stopped him in his tracks and he turned, raising an eyebrow. The demon shifted where he stood. “There are… a lot of ways this could go badly. A lot.”

“Yes, I’m well aware,” Roman responded, crossing his arms. Anxiety glared, bristling at the sarcasm in his tone.

“I might not make it out of this, okay? You know what y — they think of people like me.” He pushed a hand through his hair, his hood flopping down, and Roman’s face softened. “So, just in case… a-and I’m trusting you with this, so you’d better not do anything stupid or anything —

“When have I ever done anything stupid?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?” The corners of Anxiety’s mouth twitched as Roman feigned offense. But the smile faded quickly, and he closed his eyes, steeling himself. “My name is Virgil!”

Roman blinked, hesitating as he tried to make sense of the rushed, jumbled sentence. His eyes widened as the severity of the situation hit him; true names, especially those of creatures like demons, were important, incredibly so. For Anxiety to trust him with that…

“Virgil?” he repeated, tone quiet, serious. “That’s your true name?”

Virgil nodded, regarding him warily, his gaze nervous and tense.

“That’s a beautiful name,” Roman said softly, and Virgil relaxed somewhat, his shy almost-smile sending Roman’s heart into a frenzy. “It fits you.”

Virgil’s cheeks darkened, pink spreading across his face. “Yeah, well… ugh. Don’t make this any sappier than it has to be,” he growled, averting his gaze. Roman laughed and he glared, crossing his arms. “Are you gonna get this over with or what?” he asked, nodding to the door.

“Ah, yes, r-right.” Roman turned swiftly, ignoring the way his heart pounded, stewing in a mess of too many emotions to name. “Don’t worry, I… I promise, Virgil, I’ll get you out of this. Alive.”

Virgil snorted. “Just knock on the door, princey.”

Roman took a deep breath. No matter what, no matter which outcome they faced… everything would change once they knocked on this door. His face hardened with resolve. He shared one last look with Virgil, and raised his hand.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

[lachlann-macnab]

Political Party || Part 2

Alternative title: “The Mallards- MacTunnag- MacNab hijack the debate” and “That one time Boba decided LP was a thot” 

Dated: October 16, 2020

A/N: Launchpad found this in front of his door before the chaos began

The Spill || @swynlakespill

NEW ADDENDUM TO MY DRINKING GAME: finish your drink if we start talking about global imperialism and international warfare for some reason. Start another lol #2020electionspill

♡ pearl ♡ || @silverpearl

i think @swynlakespill might be encouraging overdrinking #34QuarterShotsIn

Ian Lightfoot || @siriandore

@swynlakespill half the town is going to be dead from alcohol poisoning by tonight at this rate

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@swynlakespill Mr. Mac T says you're trying to kill us, Boba. And by "us" I mean "me".  I don't even know how I got to his bed last night. Aso, what did I miss? anyone recorded it? 

The Spill || @swynlakespill

@DWNumber1Fan @siriandore @silverpearl at this point everyone should also order @ChippamunkaSwynlake for ur hangover foods!!! support local business!!

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan HIS bed? are you and my uncle boning? 

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard  Louie, I can barely type this, I can't possibly imagine doing anything more complex

tae || @TAEkwondo_master

idk @llcoolmallard...he even used commas...i think they might be...

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan i mean whos 2 say you did any of the work? i hate that my mind went this way

@TAEkwondo_master he could be. oh boy

tae || @TAEkwondo_master

omg @llcoolmallard WHAT IF UR UNCLE TYPED THAT

@kusakabemei

Damn Louie’s uncle fucks

The Mill @karmasabitch

@DWNumber1fan :eyes:

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@kusakabemei i'm deeply distrubed by the notion

@TAEkwondo_master oh no

tae || @TAEkwondo_master

LOUIE HE LIKED MY TWEET UR UNCLE LIKED MY TWEET ABORT MISSION THEY ARE BANGING RN

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@TAekwondo_master AHHH UTS NOT A DRILL SAOFIJFOISGSDGS

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard @TAEknwondo_master @kusabakemei @karmasabitch   guys, please. You know what? I'm posting something to Insta to show you guys

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1 pls no bare chests in said photo

my innocent eyes

tae || @TAEkwondo_master

@DWNumber1fan pls no i'm too young

🌸 kairi 🌸 @p1nky_p1e

@DWNumber1fan SHOW US WHAT?!?!

@kusakabemei

pls be shirtless bc you’re hot

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@kusakabemei y

@kusakabemei

@llcoolmallard im an agent of chaos

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@kusakabemei thats not.. whatever ok baby chaos agent

[Launchpad posts this]

[Boba replies with this]

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@swynlakespil ET TU, BOBA!?

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

guys im back on my bs but like. did you see that insta from @DWNumber1fan? 'Mister Mac T tried to smother me with a pillow'

just admit youre banging!

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

why so adamant, Louie? Perhaps Maeve was worried about him.

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@MacTunnagArtifacts i mean you didnt deny anything :eyes:

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard we are not!

yet  [this tweet has been deleted by the user]

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

thats that. i should be a spill reporter i got the reel deets every1

ur welcome

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@llcoolmallard no of course I didn't. Because we aren't. 

Yet.

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@MacTunnagArtifacts YET

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@MacTunnagArtifacts imma regret saying this but go for it old man

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard LOUIE

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan yes?

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@llcoolmallard much appreciated @DWNunber1fan leave the lad alone. Antagonization runs in the family he'll just keep at it.

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@MacTunnagArtifacts @||coolmallard but Mister Mac T! We didn't- wait. DID WE!?

@MacTunnagArtifacts DID WE!?!?!

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

the plot thickens

@kusakabemei

okay it was funny for a minute but now I’m just uncomfy talking about how Louie’s uncle gets it

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@kusakabemei it was never relly funny but here we r

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@DWNunber1fan nope. Thougg you did steal all the blankets. And my dog.

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

that's it, I'm never drinking again

@MacTunnagArtifacts and your heart?

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@kusabemei blame my nephew. I've no idea where he gets the nosiness from. 

@DWNumber1fan pour the alcohol out in the sink and I'll believe it :wink:

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard @tri_mebitch_ton @kusakabemei SEND HELP

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan r u asking me, an innocent youngster to help you woo my uncle?

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard no, I'm asking you to save the alcohol

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@DWNumber1fan come help in the kitchen and you'll find out

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan  me? handed the alcohol? i accept

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

@llcoolmallard don't even dare

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@MacTunnagArtifacts 2 late im on the search

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard I'm going to the kitchen. Take the alcohol and run, Louie! I'll distract him!

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan oh hell yeah. Kiss him! thats a good distractor!

[Seamus posts this]

@adellectable

can’t believe Seamus bangs more than I do smh

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@ everyone in secondary hope ur all ready 4 a party

Seamus MacTunnag || @MacTunnagArtifacts

from what I hear darlin' that's a lie but good on you @adellectable come 'round for a visit soon, Adella

Launchpad MacNab || @DWNumber1fan

@||coolmallard  HE HAS A WOODEN SPOON! MAYDAY, MAYDAY!! alkdjasdaspouwed

The Coolest Mallard || @llcoolmallard

@DWNumber1fan dodge roll dip dive and DODGE!

Dodger || @Djones

@DWNumber1fan kinky

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 6th January 2019

The twelve pop songs that weren’t Christmas are all in the top 13 along with a new arrival, so, yeah, essentially this week is the same as last week without a holiday. Everything that was below the top 40 just came back in spades, hence...

Returning Entries

There’s a ton. Let’s get all of the returning entries and drop-outs in our first, very busy week of 2019, done first. Let’s go, starting from what’s at the top to what’s at the bottom. “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is back at #14, “Baby” by Clean Bandit, Marina and Luis Fonsi is back at #15, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble is back at #16, “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is back at #17, “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is back at #18, “imagine” by Ariana Grande is back at #20, “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is back at #21, “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is back at #22, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is back at #23, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is at #24, “The Greatest Show” by Hugh Jackman, Keala Settle, Zac Efron, Zendaya and the Greatest Showman Ensemble returns to #25 (this was the first song I ever reviewed on this series so it’s crazy to see it back pretty much exactly a year later), “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is back to #26, “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz is at #27, “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes is at #28 (and while I’m at it, “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott featuring Drake, Swae Lee and Big Hawk is back at #33), “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is at #29, “A Million Dreams” by Ziv Zaifman, Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams comes back to #30, “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker lights up at #31, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez jumps back to #32, “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B rears its ugly head at #34, “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa, the biggest song of the year in the UK (yes, the year-end has been released, and I’ll rank it on my Twitter), “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo is at #38 (that one’s growing on me too...), “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando is at #39, and “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran rounds off the Top 40. Well, since all of these have had their own reviews on this series before, I might leave links on each song to where they’ve been reviewed or something, although my opinions have already changed. Oh, “Perfect” and “Mo Bamba” don’t have proper reviews yet but it’ll be redundant doing it now because I’ll just be covering them more in-depth on my best list anyway (sorry, spoilers). Now...

Dropouts

Oh, my goodness. Okay, so, every single Christmas song is out. “All I Want for Christmas for You” by Mariah Carey from #2, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! from #3, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl from #4, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid from #6, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” by Michael Bublé from #7, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis from #8, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens from #9, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John from #10, and the episode’s already half of a 1,000 words. Listen, sorry about all the changes in structure with the series, especially in this episode, but I asked on Twitter if you would rather have me review more songs and not bother with anything else, and no, it was decided by 80% to continue with the standard format in the poll, so, yeah, I guess I’ll have to do it like this for another year. Anyways, back to this nonsense. “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea is out from #11, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard from #12, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande from #13, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee from #16, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade from #17, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir from #18 (God, that is a chore to type every week), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney from #20 – may you rest in peace, you gorgeous novelty – “We Built this City on Sausage Rolls” by LadBaby from #21, “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love from #22, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry from #23, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia from #24, “Mary’s Boy Child / Oh My Lord” by Boney M. from #26, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber from #28, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams from #29, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by Jackson 5 from #30, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby from #31, “Stay Another Day” by East 17 from #36 – still not a Christmas song – “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson from #37, “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud from #38, and finally, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé is out from #39. That felt oddly therapeutic.

Now, there’s not a single song that fell this week, obviously, but there are a few that climbed outside of the Top 10, and they’re all rebounds from the avalanche.

Climbers

“Without Me” by Halsey is up three spots to #11, “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings is up 20 spaces to #12, and finally, “Thursday” by Jess Glynne is up a whopping 27 positions to #13. Now, with the chart finally rid of those pesky Christmas songs, welcome to 2019, everyone, and this is the state of British pop as the year turns around.

Top 10

“Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max is spending its second week at #1 today, which is cool, I guess, but i don’t imagine it holding on for that long.

Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” is up three spaces from last week to number-two, but now we’ve got some massive jumps from scattered within the top 40 straight to the top 10.

“Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is up 16 positions to number-three.

At number-four, we have an 11-space increase for Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus’ “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart”.

Finally, in what feels like ages, we have a top 5 debut, with Post Malone having his ninth top 40 hit and sixth top 10 hit this week, as his new song “Wow.” enters at #5. We’ll talk about it at length later on.

At number-six, Lord help us, we have “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong up 21 spaces from last week. This is the best proof we’ve had since Mr. Blobby that the charts are ran by children.

“Shotgun” by George Ezra rebounds by 26 spots to number-seven for no good reason. Go away, please, for my own sanity.

Oh, joy, James Arthur too, with Anne-Marie for “Rewrite the Stars” up 17 spaces to number-eight.

Zara Larsson creeps her head into the top 10 as well after a 26-spot boost up to number-nine, making “Ruin My Life” her sixth top 10 hit in the UK.

Finally, Kodak Black’s “ZEZE” featuring Travis Scott and Offset is up an undeservedly high 24 places up to #10, rounding off our top 10 at way too many words for an episode that has yet to have any song reviews. I’ll try to keep them brief.

NEW ARRIVALS

#36 – “Gun Lean” – Russ

R-R-Russ? Huh... Never expected that name to ever pop up on here, to be honest. Russ seems to only be kind of big in the US but he’s never hit the top 40, and he’s pretty much just a running joke or meme in the hip hop community so I honestly never expected any Brits to take him seriously either but this is his new single, I guess, and it’s not great. It starts with a menacing piano line that could be kind of interesting but then Russ comes in with a British accent and—oh.

#36 – “Gun Lean” – Russ splash

BBC has called new UK rapper Russ splash “Russ” instead, but who really cares? He might as well be Russ because he doesn’t say anything of substance either, with a painfully simplistic hook and chorus that doesn’t really help his lyrical ability shine (if it exists). The heavy bass is obviously trying to be have that energetic old Lil Pump energy, but it doesn’t work when your song is three and a half minutes because this song is tiring as all hell. This is generic British rap that follows the formula to a T, and I hope it doesn’t rise. Speaking of following a formula...

#35 – “Money” – Cardi B

Sigh, I do like Cardi B, but she seems to have stopped bothering and that’s a big issue because that’s the main reason anyone liked her. It’s definitely not the lyrics and while it may be the beat, she always rides it with that loud, straightforward and powerful delivery she is known for, and when you stop trying in the booth, I feel like that appeal is going to squander, and this is her ninth top 40 hit in less than two years, so the fact that it’s going quick is an issue. Anyways, this is absolute garbage. The beats is literally like two piano notes just being violently played under trap percussion and bass, with a recurring high-pitched “Money” ad-lib that is trying to break up the monotony but, no, it’s just annoying. Cardi B sounds more ruthless on the verses, which may actually be kind of unfitting, but it works, although then she gets bored on the chorus. In fact, the transition is actually pretty abrupt and forced here. At least it’s shorter and has a few good flow switches, so it’s definitely better than “Gun Lean” in that respect, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.

#19 – “Play” – Jax Jones featuring Years & Years

This is listed as a returning entry on BBC’s UK Top 40 page but this came out last year and I never reviewed so it’s safe to assume it’s new; I apologise if it isn’t, but I mean, would you care? The lead singer from Years & Years keeps up with a tiring atmospheric house beat, with meaningless lyrics and weak, radio-friendly drops that kind of take away its EDM properties immediately, I mean, the hook here isn’t that crazy of a vocal manipulation either like “One Kiss” or “Solo”, it’s just a pretty comprehensible phrase repeated and edited to sound a tad more distant. It’s so weak and pathetic, although the dude from Years & Years is trying so hard to fit on this beat, it’s kind of funny in that regard. Otherwise, yeah, who cares?

#5 – “Wow.” – Post Malone

Let me put it this way: my sister loves Post Malone for many reasons, one of which being his music, and she’s consistently loved a lot of what I’ve hated from Post like “I Fall Apart” (which is still a gruelling and confusing song to this day, read my worst list if you want to see me go into depth), but not even she could dig this, but I think I know why – she took it seriously. The tuneless keys is the only real build-up we get until Post comes in and there’s a cool noisy melody that ends with a high-pitched screech, and yeah, it’s a pretty awesomely minimal and menacing beat, so surely Post should add a lot to this... well, he literally has a whole line that is just “G-Wagon, G-Wagon, G-Wagon, G-Wagon”, but otherwise his delivery is on-point (I love his voice right at the end at the second verse), his flows are catchy, his lyrics are serviceable and sometimes pretty funny, and every single beat drop here is beautiful, seriously, that’s some perfect production from Frank Dukes and Louis Bell. After Post stops rapping, there’s a period of time where it’s just the distorted melody over some reverb-drowned drums with a chipmunk vocal coming in and him just ad-libbing “wow”, and it’s stunning. It’s not going to replace Beck’s song of the same title and in the same vein (seriously, it’s a trap-rap song too), but this is cool.

Conclusion

This week was mostly trap, huh? Well, Post Malone gets Best of the Week for “Wow.” but Russ splash is definitely bagging Worst of the Week for the dreadful “Gun Lean”. Dishonourable Mention is tied, and goes to Jax Jones, Years & Years and Cardi B for “Play” and “Money”, respectively. Not  a great start, guys. See you next week!

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