#anyone my love loves so much has to be the highest calibre of person and artist.

[hairtusk]

oh. :(

[sorcessworld]

My Favourite Self Concept Affirmations!

THE affirmations I use for vaunting. I don't use them all, maybe 4 at a time honestly, but I do have a lot that I absolutely love. Instead of affirming for one specific thing, I use my self concept affirmations as a catch all. Plays in with my manifestation routine.

1. Self Concept.

self,

✧ Because I am God, my self-concept is supremely perfect. My mental diet is clean and perfect. My mindset is golden and perfect.

✧ I have always been the idolization of everything Neville preached and more.

✧ I am already the best me infinity has to offer, so the best chose me.

✧ Everything about me has always been perfect. My confidence, aura and self-esteem is truly phenomenal.

✧ I have always known myself and I trust my own understanding.

✧ I am a limitless consciousness.

BELIEF,

✧ I have always believed in myself. I already trust myself completely.

✧ I have seen my power work tremendously.

✧ I only believe myself as true because I am the truth.

✧ I have never cared what anything or anyone says about me or to me.

✧ My story is my story and I believe I have already changed it beautifully.

✧ I believe in the beautiful life I have made for myself.

✧ I already believe in me. I already believe in my power and I believe in the law of assumption. Everything I assume is true, has always been the truth.

✧ Nothing can ever tell me otherwise, my truth is set in stone.

✧ I have nothing to lose, nothing to fear and nothing to doubt. I believe in me.

✧ My faith in myself and the law is immeasurable. My faith in being the operant power, in being THAT BITCH is infinite.

✧ Because I believe so deeply, my manifestations instantly come to me.

✧ All the evidence I care about is already within me.

✧ I don't wait, I don't check, I don't ask, I don't wonder, and I never doubt myself. It is mine, mine, mine, mine.

power,

✧ I am god, therefore everything I do is perfect. For me, everything is possible and nothing is fiction.

✧ I am the highest power forever. I am the only reality, I am the supreme source.

✧ I am not the main character, I'm literally the capable author and perfect self-insert.

✧ Nothing has ever been too good for me. Nothing has ever been too wonderful for me. Everything I love has always been permanent. Everything has already changed for me instantly.

✧ The world is my already beautiful design.

✧ I've always had total confidence in my abilities, that's why I instantly manifest what I want without doing anything.

✧ What can resist me when I'm this powerful, sexy and magnetic? Nothing at all.

✧ I already am a sexy power fantasy of the highest calibre.

✧ I have always been fortune's favourite goddess/god.

✧ My power already spoils me so much just because I’m alive.

✧ I have always been a honey trap for beautiful and illogical success.

✧ There's no time lag, I already am the void, I already have its power.

✧ I have always manifested whatever I want instantly, just because I exist.

✧ From now on, My inner world always knows what I want and gives it to me automatically and instantly. I never have to ask for anything, I just get it.

✧ I alone have free will. I alone pull the strings. I alone am in control. I alone am God.

security,

✧ I already am important. I already am worthwhile. I already am forever.

✧ All that I need is already within me.

✧ I am already fulfilled within, I need nothing outside of me. I am the perfect example of being healthily assured and self-secured.

✧ I have always radiated every dimension of beauty.

✧ I have always seen myself so beautifully. I see a powerful, magnetic, fulfilled woman/man/person in me. I love, accept and trust myself completely.

✧ Ever since I was young, I knew I come first, so I put myself first, and the world puts me first.

✧ I am the glow up.

✧ I have always recognized my priceless, timeless value and worth.

✧ I'm already golden in everything I do and I know that.

✧ I have always been myself in my rawest, most incredible power.

✧ My inner world has always spent every moment of my day perfecting my amazing self-concept and manifesting everything great and desirable to me instantly.

✧ I have always taken care of my needs and happiness first.

✧ I already respect myself to the max. I am confident in every part of myself and every extension of myself.

✧ I know I'm the most gorgeous goddess/god in existence. I'm madly in love with myself, my inner world is madly in love with satisfying me and the world is madly in love with me.

how people see me,

✧ Everyone treats me with so much grace and sweetness.

✧ I have always been THE treasure and the world is my oyster.

✧ I'm already the top priority of everyone I desire.

✧ I am already perfect but perfectly relatable.

✧ I always keep deep, loving, enriching and interesting connections with my desired people/person.

✧ I have always been the girl/boy/person they all adore.

✧ I have always been a healthy, extroverted butterfly.

✧ I have always loved myself, that's why everyone and everything loves me.

✧ I'm already a master at charisma. Anything to do with charm is no deal to me, cause people love me anyway.

✧ Everyone is always so nice, welcoming and sweet to me. I am my true, happiest self around anyone. I am always in the mix with good people and great friends.

✧ Everyone loves my energy, and I love everyone's energy.

✧ I’m already everyone’s favourite person.

✧ I am already unconditionally loved by the world. I cherish myself like the Righteous love the Lord. I am authentically myself at my rawest form.

✧ I am cherished, I am treasured. Everything and everyone of good standing wants me.

✧ I am everyone's favourite beloved friend and idol.

✧ The first thing people notice about me is how magnetic I am.

✧ I have always been so magnetic that people feel completely comfortable around me.

✧ The world finds me precious. Everything I do is glorious to this world.

✧ Everyone acts exactly how I want them to, towards me.

2. Manifesting Ability & 'Process'.

ability,

✧ I have experienced every reason to genuinely believe in my manifestation abilities and all that my wonderful imagination offers me.

✧ I already manifest perfectly and illogically.

✧ I already naturally Live In The End with all my manifestations.

✧ I have always been immune to failure. All preventative measures come automatically and naturally for me.

✧ It has always been so easy for me to feel my manifestations real. I accept and claim my manifestations as mine so easily.

✧ I dive fully and wholeheartedly into my imagination and I always successfully manifest from within.

✧ I've got every reason to be cocky with my manifestation abilities. I simply get better and greater than what I want without action, just because I exist.

✧ I have always been a veteran at manifesting, I am no beginner.

✧ I literally cannot persist in wanting. I'm already in the end, it is done. I persisted in having because I knew it had to show up for me.

✧ I already am the greatest applier of feeling and knowing it is real. Literally no one 'feels it real' better than me.

✧ I truly understand and apply the law and the promise, I've experienced what both easily do for me first-hand.

process,

✧ I have never chased anything, I have never needed to affirm anything, I don't desire anything, I simply attract and have what I want.

✧ I effortlessly manifest all I desire in life, faster than Void State.

✧ I have always seen all my manifestations in a beautiful light.

✧ I never stress because I don't need to. I never doubt because I don't need to.

✧ My manifestations have always gone better and smoother than I planned.

✧ Just because I exist, my manifestations fulfil themselves instantly.

✧ Everything I desire comes to me so quickly, I don't have to do anything.

✧ My inner world is the real world. My outer world is just a mirror. What happens in my 4D, always happens in my 3D instantly.

✧ I always and easily persist in my Imagination, because it is my real world.

✧ My timeline scripts always manifest when, where and how I want them to.

✧ My Imagination has always been so constructively addictive to me, I love manifesting within my imagination.

✧ The second I decide I want something is the second I manifest it.

✧ I have already received infinite manifestations with one journal. I'm living my dream life right now.

✧When I sleep, I wake up to my manifestations fulfilled. I always manifest overnight. My manifestations literally poof into my 3D automatically.

✧Everything is sorted out for the best. Everything goes in my favour, unexpectedly and expectedly as usual. Manifesting is easy, it is no deal to me.

– golden, 🌈

[nagisasstunningpersonality]

Korosuu Translation - Chapter One

Some notes before we begin: 

This is the only piece of official Ass Class content that - to my knowledge - is not translated anywhere. It doesn’t look like anyone has any plans to, so I’ve decided to take the task upon myself. This book is kind of like the korotans, but teaches maths instead of English. It also has a Chiba and Hayami focused short story, which is what I will translate here.

I am not fluent in Japanese. I’m a mere university student who has been studying for about two years now. Whilst I feel confident enough to get the general meanings of things, I have had to use a dictionary pretty heavily with this and some word meanings and grammar parts might be incorrect. I’m only making this because I want people to be able to enjoy the book, so it’s no professional calibre translation and I please ask that you take everything with a pinch of salt. I know there are mistakes and sentences that don’t feel right, but I think you can still get the general meaning.  

The tenses are weird because Matsui kind of wrote them that way, and I generally decided not to alter them. This is my first time translating prose (I’ve only done manga panels in the past), so I’m not sure if this is a common thing in Japanese books or not. 

Whilst I’ve naturalised some sentences, others are a little more hard for me to reword so a prewarning that they may come across as a little stiff and awkward in parts. I’m still learning with this. 

Okay now that’s out of the way, the chapter! 

Chapter One - Invisible Sniper Time

During the usual E Class’ usual lunch break, Chiba Ryuunosuke, Okajima Taiga, and also Takebayashi Kotarou are gathered together, and are enjoying chatting as usual. This was the usual scenery that happened every day.

However, the usual atmosphere was a little different that day. The trigger was something that Chiba murmured.

“That’s why Chiba, you’ve tried that method over and over again, yeah? I realised that it wouldn’t be enough, so right now I’m using it in combinations with other methods.” Okajima said with a dumbfounded face, whilst holding a camera.

“I get it, that’s why I wondered if you could do it.” Chiba answered in a way that might seem blunt to people who he didn’t know. Since he covered his eyes with long bangs, he was easily misunderstood by a few people, but his close classmates knew that with the same old warmth, he was a cool and collected guy.

Takebayashi heard that, and points out whilst fixing his glasses with his index finger “if you snipe with a single shot, the sound of fire will always arrive before the bullet. Korosensei will sense the trajectory in the direction of the sound and easily avoid it. Afterall, he’s a Mach 20 monster.”

“What are you talking about?” They were interrupted by Hayami Rinka. Alongside Chiba, she’s the girl with the highest sniper results.

“Nah, Chiba was saying there isn’t a way to assassinate Korosensei with just a sniper.” When Takebayashi answered, Hayami tilted her head.

That assassination had been tried many times by Chiba and two people. There were shooting results from the two top participants. However, it all failed due to the reason Takebayashi said, and the superhuman ability of the target teacher. A simple sniper alone cannot kill him first. That should be the conclusion made between the two of them.

Chiba saw Hayami’s expression and immediately understood her thoughts, and then connected them to words. “I know it’s impossible, but it feels regrettable to do nothing like this.”

“Yeah,” Hayami nodded.

“Class, please listen.” Karasuma Tadaomi entered the classroom, and stood on the platform as he spoke to everyone on the spot. “I’ll tell you whilst he’s gone. The government has hired a new assassin.”

They weren’t surprised, because this wasn’t the first time. The government has hired professional assassins several times, but it was the usual pattern to give advance notice when there was a risk of involving the students in the E Class.

“Karasuma Sensei, what type of assassin is coming this time?” Kataoka Megu, who was chatting close by, asks.

“A slightly famous person. According to the source, they’re called the ‘Legendary Sniper’.” When Karasuma answered, Chiba and Hayami’s faces immediately perked up.

“A nickname without a twist…” Okajima forces a smile.

“Their exaggerated name means they’re not ashamed of their great skill. In everything, they seem to have succeeded in sniping many times from an impossible position.”

“Impossible position?” Takebayashi shook his head at Karasuma’s words.

“If I’m talking specifics, they would be behind the building, but still hit the target on the other side with a bullet. Of course, without shooting through the glass or anything like that. Is that an interested face?” The last word that Karasuma spoke was directed to Chiba and Hayami, not Takebayashi.

The pair nodded at the same time.

“From this standpoint, you can’t help too much, but there’s probably something you can investigate. Especially for you two and the others, it might be a reference for future assassination?”

“I don’t think there’s any reference if the sniper kills Korosensei.”

At the sound of Takebayashi’s voice, Karasuma shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t think so. He can’t be killed by a human who doesn’t even know him at all. Even if this opponent is called the Legendary Sniper. Isn’t it better for you?”

-

Gathering information had never been so difficult. They searched their smart phones and their own laptops for sniper related incidents in the international news, and found many such articles. Most of it was written in English, but thanks to Nakamura Rio, who was close by to Takebayashi, it didn’t take long to read.

“That’s exactly what Karasuma Sensei said… Look at this, they were shot between the bullet proof limousine door the instant it opened. The line of fire should have been from this direction.” Chiba lifts the screen of the laptop he was looking at. Right there, there was an article that said the leader of a criminal organisation was assassinated under strict vigilance.

“Is that difficult?”

When Okajima looked at the screen, Chiba nodded.

“It seemed that it they were surrounded by bodyguards when they got out of the limousine, and the building they were trying to enter was an organisational building. There is no sniping point you can use to shoot into a limousine from over there.”

“Is it possible to hide and shoot?” Additionally, Okajima leant over.

Chiba shook his head. “They were only about ten meters away from the building. No matter how well they hid, they were probably able to shoot at such a distance. But this article isn’t sure where this sniper was.”

“That’s also true. They were shot from the front of the building whilst the police force were guarding. Not only the front, but all surrounding buildings were closed, and they were being monitored from above.” Hayami was looking at a case in Europe where a top enterprise was shot.

“The headline is also ‘A Magician’s Work? The Fear of the Invisible Sniper’. If this is a tabloid paper, I won’t do it anymore,” Nakamura said, looking at his laptop over Hayami’s shoulder.

“I found a number of different articles dealing the same case, so it seems like it really happened.”

“That’s right. But doing this is refreshing, hmm.”

Hayami thinks about Nakamura’s words.

“Hey, look at this. ‘Strangely, the bullets found on the scene were spherical, reminiscent of muskets’. Could this not be a hint?” At the point where Nakamura pointed, there was an English sentence she translated, and a small photo next to it was a silver bullet like a pachinko ball placed side by side with a rifle bullet for comparison.

Chiba also leaned to look at Hayami’s smart phone, and gave a big nod.

“Yeah, it helps, Nakamura. I think this is probably a really big hint.” Chiba, who usually doesn’t express many emotions, gazed at the screen whilst speaking with an unusually warm tone.

“Hey~, what have you been doing for so long?” Kurahashi Hinano called from behind Nakamura. When they explained clearly, Kurahashi replied with a smile. “Huh, it looks interesting doesn’t it? So, did you understand anything?”

“Originally, there isn’t enough information in online articles. I think we need to do something more.” Takebayashi answered.

Chiba nodded whilst Takebayashi was speaking.

“Right?” Kurahashi’s face perked up as she looked at Takebayashi’s laptop.

“If that’s the case, why don’t we go to the article and look at them?”

“That’s a good idea, but it’s all about Europe and America… right?” After answering Nakamura, Chiba looked at his own smartphone and frowned. “This article is in English, but it looks like the scene is in Japan.”

“What happened?” Nakamura used the smartphone and clicked on the screen that appeared. “Ah, there was also an article in Japanese. It looks like they did it for the news. It’s in Shibuya, Tokyo. It looks like they wrote about a mafia boss of the international expanding yakuza.”

“It’s decided~ This weekend, let’s have a picnic at the crime scene in Shibuya!!” Kurahashi pounded her hands on the table.

That’s the end! It took me quite a while to do this, so don’t expect the next chapter right away! I’ll try my best to complete the whole book, though! 

Chapter two

My comments under the cut 

I don’t really get why Karma and Nagisa are in the illustration, when they’re literally not even mentioned lmao. 

Karasuma acts like this is a regular thing? That they just get random assassins joining their class every now and then? I guess it’s OC time for those wanting to write missing episode fics! 

It’s really nice to get some proper Chiba and Hayami dialogue, I hope this will be helpful to those who want to write them. I also love the dynamic of Nakamura joining in. 

It seems like the students bring their own laptops to class? That’s an interesting canon addition. 

And can we just have a moment to talk about Kurahashi? Literally slapping the fucking table in excitement at the prospect of having an assassination picnic? Incredible. We stan. 

[pandoriasbox]

Jade’s SSO Rambles - 7 Cartography

(Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and opinions at the time of writing these rambles. I may change my mind in the future.)

This ramble is more of an idea for a fun side system to integrate much like how Mary’s lost animals have been added but a lot more Jorvik wide exploration in mind. I’ve had this idea since spring but felt I should cover quite a few other topics first before delving into a new side system idea. If anyone knows me well they will know I adore exploration in games and my idea for a cartography “system” is yet another way to pull more of that into SSO’s beautiful and expansive world.

Overview

Cartography is a daily activity players can participate in where they receive missions (mini quests) each day that incentivize them to go out and explore the whole map and interact with different aspects of the world. It would be a good addition for both new and end game players as the former will have more reasons to explore and learn the map while the latter will receive something else to do to stay invested and entertained within the game. I also think it’s something the team could easily build upon if they wished to integrate it into other gameplay aspects. (And is definitely something explorers like me would love to interact with.)

The cartography mechanic would be set up to be found and completed in the world without visiting an NPC. The player can still visit the NPC to get a hint on where to look for the activator (given that the areas can get quite large) but over time they should get an idea of the spawn points. Some of the cartography quests could even have semi-unique gameplay such as mini games or having different ways of interacting with the world. Lore wise I think the person in charge of the cartography may have markers set out for you or send you a message daily on where to perform the cartography work so as to avoid forcing the player to visit them first. Some characters could use this and some could require you visiting them first as well.

I imagine Chiron and Mario would ask you to place down markers whereas Nic and Evergrey ask you to photograph and survey the landscape in order to fill in a map. Druids (and Evergrey) may end up having you collect samples or the druids could potentially have you seal small budding rifts that don’t require the same amount of work as the larger ones that pop up in the storyline or soul riding.

Areas & NPCS

Silverglade & Mario

Mario is still not willing to leave the observatory so he needs the player to go out and set up equipment throughout Silverglade for him to adjust star maps. (Doesn’t need to be cameras, could be an updated version of calibration for the telescope.)

This can be a simple setup similar to Nic’s original map marking quest or it can require a mini game or some additional work on the player’s part.

I imagine this would be the first cartography quest the player gets and so should be the simplest for them to complete. This would also give them a higher paying and higher rep reward with the AAE Astronomical subset.

Dino Valley & Nic Stoneground

Nic requires the player to fill in blank spots on the map

Could use a similar setup to the existing mini quest just instead it’s a daily event that requires you to visit different parts of Dino Valley. Could also use updated gameplay mechanics and work more like a mini game.

I think while this is a once a day quest for Nic it would be the highest paying quest and reward a large amount of rep (and progress) to the expedition/camp itself. If possible, after maxing the rep with Nic’s group I think rep for this should spill over into increasing the general AAE reputation if possible.

Epona & Professor Chiron

Chiron is looking for additional areas across Epona that may be potential interesting dig sites or places to study.

This might involve a slightly modified version where the player must put out markers for Chiron that denote the edges of the area. (The team would need to be careful in how they set this up and especially with any updates to terrain too.)

Again it gives a once a day high paying quest that would provide a big boost to AAE rep.

Full Map (Minus Dino) & Avalon/The Druids

Avalon (or some other druid if he’s not available for whatever reason) would request the player to inspect pandoric activity across the currently unlocked part of Jorvik besides Dino Valley.

This could have some really interesting game mechanics or mini games and could even bring back the player needing to close rifts. Overall I think this would be a nice way of further making the player feel connected to the druids and as though they are truly a part of the faction. For an example of gameplay perhaps the player would need to record the flora (and fauna?) that is being affected or cropping up from pandoric activity before sealing the tiny rift that has sprouted up.

This would pay well and give a large boost to the Keepers of Aideen rep.

Pandoria & Evergrey

Evergrey is interested in mapping Pandoria and sending you to study it as he can no longer access it without endangering himself. He assures you that the momentary visits will not injure you as you won’t be staying for prolonged periods. It would be intended as end game cartography.

This is open to some interesting mechanics and could involve actually gathering samples of parts of Pandoria (flora, crystals, ect) for Everygrey to study.

Again, high pay and high rep. I personally love the idea of this being something only for Evergrey so it leaves him as kind of still a semi independent element. I think this could be a neat way of adding a rep system to him and if implemented then a reason to expand upon his character and give him more interactions with the player. (Such as teaching/training or sending them out on his own quests.)

System Ideas

The team could either have it where it’s always in the same place per day of the week but I think a “semi random” system similar to the druids and Mary’s missing animals could be far more interesting. There are a limited number of locations so players can eventually learn all potential spawn spots just like how the druids always have their events in the same spots but it’s somewhat random per day.

I also think having the system favor a certain area depending on the day of the week would be nice though. For example if all of the goldenhills quests are on Fridays then I think Avalon/the druids cartography quest should be available there.

I think the Rangers could also request the player to survey Mistfall or map out Northern Mistfall but that may be something added to a more ranger based mission system.

Another potential future idea is once you go up past Northlink into Wild Warden territory you have to use your cartography skills to build your own map.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my idea for a cartography system as much as I enjoyed writing it! I would adore seeing something like this implemented into SSO and even if it isn’t I know I would certainly love to make my own game with it in it. Let me know what you think or if you have any further ideas on how cartography could work in SSO via a reblog, reply or ask. As always, likes are also appreciated and again thank you for taking the time to read my rambles!

[wolfieonatypewriter]

Echoes Across Time And Space

Summary:

Bayonetta was very much ready to have a great and relaxing birthday in the company of Jeanne and a ton of free time when one of her gifts turns out to be more than what she bargained for.

The Remembrance of Time of the day she was born that their absent god had sent her way could prove to be too much, even for her.

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: Golem the discount store siamese is Jeanne's cat that she finds as a stray and he's pretty consistent across my fic universes

“Golem, I swear to fucking God that I will boil you in a big witchy caldron if I go back there and see anything broken!” She had opened the door to their swanky Manhattan high rise to the cute delivery girl for some of her birthday parcels but there was a distinct ruckus of someone breaking things. “I'm sorry, it's the cat you know.”

The other lady laughed and tucked in her signing machine underneath her arm, handing her the parcel emblazoned with ‘From: Luka Redgrave’ in swirly, obnoxiously composed handwriting. “This one is fragile, so maybe do keep it out of reach.”

Cereza carted the box back to her kitchen and to the source of the disturbance, only to find the balcony door wide open to the snow storm and Golem meowing in displeasure from the other side of the room.

“You shouldn't have opened this then, you butthole.” He pinned his ears back and harrumphed out with an upturned tail, showcasing such a body part right at her as he trotted away most imperiously.

“About as charming as your owner.” She mumbled to herself, rubbing her bare arms and crossing the expansive kitchen to shut the balcony doors before the blizzard parkered itself on their home.

The wind must have been truly hazardous to have slammed the door open. She spared a thought to Jeanne, out and about in the city probably getting some private party favours for a little birthday one on one fun. She loved her toys and not even the dreadful weather had dissuaded her, especially considering those had been a backed up special order that had been ready at just the right time.

With a graceful pivot, she hummed her way back to the kitchen island, her favorite marble monstrosity, when a twinge of magic rippled in the back of her head. She turned, looking around for what might have caused it. If angels decided to rain down on her for her birthday, she would march straight to Paradiso and punch Jubileus in the face.

Odd, there was nothing out of the ordinary and the flick had since passed with no hint that it had ever happened. With a shrug, she turned back to her parcel on the marble countertop.

Luka had promised something good and she had no doubt he would deliver. What could it be, he was very tight lipped about it but had sworn up and down she was going to love it.

When she looked again, the brown box was no longer anywhere to be found and in its place rested a single blue card.

Aesir.

Cereza jumped into action, looking around wildly and turning her living room around searching for any clues on where he might be. The apartment was as she had left it, everything undisturbed, not even Golem was around to make a mess of things.

“Come on, little one! You can't just drop by like this.” She called out, walking back to the kitchen island once more. Spotting a note that wasn't on her fridge before, she snatched it. “At least show up for a chat…”

Hey, Bayonetta! I got you a little something I do think you'll enjoy. I still don't think you look like a Cereza but after hearing about it, I could be convinced.

Cereza huffed, rolling her eyes. Couldn't anyone in her life not be a dramatic ho with a flair for the theatrical? The simple sheet did not reveal any other tricks so she pinned the damn thing back to the fridge.

The card rested face down and another cursory look revealed that the box Luka had sent was resting on Jeanne's favorite chair. A sense of exhilarating anticipation itched in her chest, a feeling she hadn't gotten since she asked Jeanne to move in with her. As soon as her fingertips touched the card, a rebound of energy coursed through her arm.

With a flick of her wrist, the card was now facing up and a picture of her mummy and Balder appeared. It was stylized in the same way as Loki's old cards, her parents back to back with their hands clasped together.

It was a beautiful figure, bold in it's intent but sad given all that she knew had transpired between them.

“Sentimental, little one.” She was about to grab it to stash it somewhere safe when it lit with a surge of incomprehensible power. The world around her turned to gold and blue, her living room ending up looking like it had been ran with a bad photo filter.

She was about to move when the distant cry of a baby started up. Bayonetta looked around her apartment for any clues, bringing forth her guns from her summoning pocket.

The sound was seemingly everywhere at once but no images materialized. In between whimpers and bouts of crying, a voice sounded over it.

‘My most precious starshine, it's your first morning. What has you ever so displeased?’ The man had a rich baritone, so loving and emotional that something stabbed through her heart at the realization. He wasn't speaking English, it sounded like something of a cross between Portuguese and Galician which could only be Vigridian. Cereza was astounded she could still understand it.

This was a remembrance of time and that was… ‘She’s so Umbra but reacts so well to your magic.’ A woman chimed in, voice low and somewhat hoarse. Tired but content and Bayonetta wasn't dumb enough to miss why. All in all, she had to thank Rosa for a job so well done.

‘Daddy loves his little girl so, he can hardly stand to part with her.’ The rustle of cloth followed his statement and she strained to try and picture what could be happening. Was he holding her? Passing her over to Rosa? ‘Mummy has food, tasty and delicious. Is that what you want?’

After a few seconds, the unmistakable sound of a baby nursing filled the silence. In that time, Bayonetta came crashing down to earth on what she was seeing and hearing. Her parents, her very own parents were there in echo on what seemed to be the day she was born. Balder sounded so soft, so in awe of what had happened. His tender tone was ripped right out of a fairy tale, of parents not filled with grief, not confined to the back of an annulment cell. Of all the things she knew of him, distorted and fragmented as they were, this facet was the hardest to swallow. Father Balder had been dramatic and violent, his younger self has been angry and hurting. In neither of those had there been any space for the loving care she was hearing.

Bayonetta didn't know what to do with that information but she didn't have much time to chew it over as Rosa started speaking again.

‘She is so small… felt much larger a couple of hours ago though.’ They shared a chuckle and a the sound of a couple of soft kisses reached her ears, the rawness of their affection was obvious even without visuals. Young spouses, newly minted parents with their whole world suckling peacefully in front of them. 'Well then, what will our daughter be called?’

'I think Cereza is a perfect match.’ he supplied, words reverent and Rosa laughed in reply, so joyful and unfettered like Bayonetta only heard a scant few times in her life. ‘And may her life always be bathed in the summer sun.’

There it was, oh there it was. A name that was a blessing of the highest calibre coming from her Lumen father. A prayer that had fallen on deaf ears.

‘She was born in the dead of winter, Balder. Might I add, exactly as a good little Umbra should.'

A small sob escaped her throat and before she knew it, a couple of stray tears made their way down her face. This wasn’t...it wasn’t fair and Bayonetta had no clue on how to process the turbulent tide of her overwhelming sadness, her unconfronted grief or even just the unfairness of her misplaced anger at her parents and their decisions.

“Cereza!” The rapid staccato of heels pounded across their foyer and Jeanne sprinted into the kitchen only to halt immediately at the scene that greeted her harried entrance. “What is…”

‘That’s precisely why she needs a summer blessing. To balance it out!’

That voice brought back a flood of memories and she raised her guns, teeth gnashed and all of her was ready to summon Madama Styx right then and there but when she noticed there were no threats at their gates, she uncoiled enough to take a good look around.

Her most beloved was crying, their kitchen felt like an hub of undetermined energy zapping through her whole soul and Jeanne, brightest witch in an age and Elder of the Umbra Witches, had no clue what was going on. So she did the first thing that came to mind. Envelop Cereza in a hug.

‘The daughter of the night and day, an auspicious portent. Though many would disagree.' Rosa's voice continued to sound in their spacious kitchen, gaining a harder edge and at some point Jeanne realized that it came from the card on their table. Oh no, a remembrance of time. ‘ How long do you figure this safehouse will hold? A month?’

She hugged back, burying her face on Jeanne's shoulder and biting her lower lip to keep from shedding more tears while the memory kept going like a stuck tape on a broken recorder.

'At best, yes.’ All of a sudden he sounded very tired and they heard a sigh. ‘For now, we can all rest. This is as isolated as isolation can be, it seems the legends about Fimbulventr are not as true as they seem.’

‘For now as well, the people's whispers are too loud to ignore.’

Bayonetta lifted her head from Jeanne’s shoulder and furrowed her brow at those words, turning to her. They had taken refuge on the Holy Mountain and somehow had been taken in with warmth. Her personal experience told her acutely that being received kindly in there was next to impossible.

A thousand and one questions burned inside her head but none more intense than the age old query: Had their absent God interfered? Had he taken pity in his own Eyes, harbouring the Left and Right facets of creation and their precious bundle of the apocalypse in his own domain?

Little whimpers broke up their strategy meeting and rustling cloth sounded up again. ‘You’re daddy's girl already and you barely know what a daddy is, moonstone.’

Balder chuckled at her words, whimpers growing louder. ‘Why do I think it's not a me she likes best. You might be right, she pays attention to my magic but it's not working now.’

A string of lilting bird calls, like one would expect from a songbird, followed his statement and Jeanne just held her close, commenting “Lumen sages are keen on their bird natures, it's part of their communication.”

‘See, she likes that.’ Rosa’s voice had a hint of smugness that sounded so very characteristically Bayonetta in its execution. However, despite having quietened down a touch, little Cereza still made her discomfort known.

‘Not enough to soothe her it seems.’ He replied, chirping a little more but without any further success. A rumbling purr broke through and that Bayonetta knew what it was.

Somewhere in the back of her memories, she remembered her mummy purring at her, as close as she could through the thick bars of her cell. Her chest rattled and rumbled and her little tiny self would bask in the comforting certainty of it all.

The lack of visuals was both infuriating and a boon, as they could only guess at Cereza’s adorable fussiness from the squirming sounds she was making.

But it also meant Bayonetta couldn't see the love in her parents’ eyes, couldn't see their weariness and their bone aching tiredness tinged with overwhelming relief of having found shelter just in time for their little one to be born.

Couldn't see all she had missed.

‘Fly me to the moon…’ Their perfect harmonizing jarred her from her thoughts like a vengeful poltergeist.

‘And let me play among the stars’ the song was perfect in it's execution, a performance born of repetition. ‘In other words, please be true.’ Of singing it many times together.

‘In other words…’ No fussiness could be heard anymore, only the well polished lullaby in the unique duet version Bayonetta had never even guessed could exist.

‘I love you…’

The magic faded slowly after the last bar like a record player winding down and the last she heard was the faint noise of another soft kiss.

At that time, she had stopped caring about the tears streaming down her face or the fact that she was hanging on for dear life on Jeanne. It was embarrassing and heavy but at the same time a part of it felt…

Good.

A soft purr vibrated near her cheek, breaking the uncomfortable silence of their apartment and Jeanne held her closer. The purr picked up, higher pitched and softer than her mother's great big tiger purr, causing her to scrunch her eyes shut for a second.

“In other words.” Jeanne started, her words vibrating through her rib cage.”I love you…” Cereza felt a kiss to her hair and she sniffed, wiping her stray tears with the back of her hand.

She lifted her head and Jeanne smiled, kind and caring and loving and all just for her. She replied with a watery smile, disentangling from her lover and taking off her glasses to rub at her eyes.

The card was facing up near them on the countertop, Rosa and Balder with clasped hands staring back at them, defiant. And wasn’t that the foundation of their life, a relationship forged out of defiance. A daughter born out of love.

“Please tell me you didn't get me an emotional gift as well.”

Jeanne chuckled, snaking her arms around her waist and kissing her lips softly. “I have some things you'll like in my bag of tricks but it's mostly earthly pleasures, I promise.”

Cereza was exceptionally hard to shop for so she just got her luxury spa days and shopping trips. She had gotten her a pair of heels her most beloved had commented she had her eyes on for Valentine's and Cereza had replied the fun was in the going. Going out shopping with her was always an event that had even the most upper brow places at the beck and call of Cereza’s inexorable charms.

With a tentative touch of her fingertips on the card, Bayonetta snagged it from the kitchen island and stashed it on her summon void. She hoped beyond hope it didn’t start up again, another tongue lashing of emotions and past trauma would surely leave her soul even more raw than what it currently was.

That would take time to process and she was sure to either yank little one’s ears when she next saw their absent God or thank him for giving her such a thing, she wasn’t sure which one yet. In any case, that was an issue for future her because for now…

“Earthly pleasures you say?” The flip to predatory was so fast that Jeanne didn't even have time to react before a nip to her neck dragged an embarrassing moan out of her. Cereza had snagged her up with feline proficiency, the back of her thighs bumping against the countertop and Jeanne found herself at the complete mercy of Cereza’s hungry grin “Did you find what you went out for.”

Oh yes, she had and she was more than ready to see how it worked.

“Yes.”

Golem wouldn’t even complain.

[nerdwiththehat]

Firewatch

old post warning wee woo wee woo this has been lingering in my drafts for a while. Enjoy!

I will warn y’all right now. This is going to be a disgustingly spoiler-filled review and discussion of the Campo Santo’s utter masterpiece Firewatch. I going to spoil a game that lives and dies by its story and setting. Going in blind is the only way to play this game, and if you, are, at all, planning to play this game, you should click this link right here and buy it on Steam and play it as soon as you can, and ignore this post until you have finished at least one play of the game. I cannot stress how important going in blind is.

Firewatch is a walking simulator of the highest calibre. It’s quite possibly the best game I played this year, if not the best I have ever played (and this is competing with local masterpieces from Irrational, Bioshock and Bioshock Infinite. I have a little too much hometown pride, you know!), both in design in gameplay. Design-wise, I could devote literally two books to just how this game looks:

From the very minute the game loads, you’re treated to the gorgeous cell graphics that mark the visuals of this game. The menus are simple and elegant, the design as minimal as possible while still bringing in motes of the rustic setting. Taking inspiration from the amazing “New Deal” National Parks art design of the early 1930′s, the flat graphics mesh with my design sensibilities in a way that makes me a little too gosh darn happy. The near-sole mechanic of gameplay is communication with basically the only other character of the game - fellow lookout Delilah.

The entire design of the game was based upon a single painting by Olly Moss (poster artist of Thor, among his other works for Marvel Entertainment and Empire Magazine... and co-host position on A Life Well Wasted for a while!), one of the co-founders of Campo Santo, along with Mark of the Ninja and The Walking Dead vets Nels Anderson, Jake Rodkin, and Sean Vanaman - the art style is nothing short of fantastic. The guys at Campo Santo really show their story-building chops in this one. Their work really, really shows.

<Spoliers fuckin’ ABOUND past here. I WARNED ya>

Firewatch is one of the few games I’ve played that have kicked me right in the chest as soon as I began. Starting in the mid 1980′s, Henry (Rich Sommer of Mad Men) meets Julia (Larissa Gallagher, in a performance that sounds wayyyyyy too much like Margot Robbie), local college teaching-hopeful in a bar, where their relationship blossoms under your watchful, choose-your-own adventure eye. Choose which dog they end up getting, choose his name. Choose how to deal with a mugger at the park, where to walk. How to respond to her little jokes, teasing you about getting married, how she draws you... 

How to deal when she starts to forget, has panic attacks when she’s teaching, then progressing to memory loss, confusion, outbursts... Julia’s early-onset dementia throws a knife into the heart like few other story beginnings can. Henry’s subsequent downward spiral before Julia’s family takes her back to Australia for care is almost even worse, drinking , depression, then a DUI. With Julia out of the picture, Henry takes a job in the Shoshone National Forest as a fire lookout.

Here, the story falls into routines of a fire lookout, teaching you mechanics along the way. Walk to the pond, scare away the girls setting off fireworks in the dangerously dry wilderness. Walk to the tower, keep watch for smoke. All the while, talk to Delilah, your weirdly friendly supervisor. How much do you end up telling her about your past? How much do you find about her? Continue traipsing around the forest with your map and compass, hopefully not getting too lost. Find a disposable camera, take a whole bunch of photos.

The story turns more towards conspiracy - the girls setting off fireworks supposedly cut the communication cable, and leave you an angry note. Before you can even reprimand them, they disappear, leaving most of their stuff, and a damaged tent. Delilah leaves her mic on, and talks about something strange. Henry finds a radio, and a clipboard in the woods, with notes on his and Delilah’s conversations. Delilah talks about a kid, Brian who stayed with his father Ned (voiced by Hammer of the Gods’ Mac Brandt) in your tower last season, but she hasn’t heard from them in a while. You find a hidden, fenced-off government area of the forest, with a locked gate, and strange messages pointing to the center of the fenced-off area. The story really twists to conspiracy.

Henry starts to break down, as well - not just with his outbursts to Delilah over the radio, and occasional yelling fit in the woods. He starts tacking up the papers found in the woods in his tower, and one night, wakes up, hallucinating Julia’s voice on the other end of the radio. The next morning, Delilah, concerned, asks about Julia. The emotional nerve rubbed raw, the pair continue to confide in each other.

After breaking into the hidden area, you find notes on you and Delilah, a tracking device, strange machines. A fire breaks out, but it’s supposedly contained. The next few weeks pass, the smoke around the towers thickens. The tracker goes off, leading you to a backpack, with a key to the locked cave grate in the canyon. The story cranks towards some terrifying outside force - the government? The “man?” Aliens? A greater conspiracy? It’s all up for grabs, until you find the body.

Firewatch grabs you with both hands, and shakes you, yelling “It’s a conspiracy! They’re after you!” for the first few hours. Then it drops every last little bit of it once you find Brian’s body at the bottom of the cliff in the cave. It’s a frighteningly real experience, entering the cave, a spectacular space, and then find the dead body at the bottom of the cliff. The music quiets, you’re alone with your footsteps, and you can’t even get to Delilah on the walkie-talkie. You’re all alone with Brian’s corpse.

The story’s conspiracy all tumbles apart from there. Brian’s father Ned turns out to have been manipulating you and Delilah’s emotions for a while - faking the notes, listening in on you talking, ransacking your tower, setting the trackers... The fire is just a fire, the girls who went violently missing have been found, in jail for taking a tractor for a joyride a few towns over. Delilah is distraught over Brian’s death, and the story seems to have wrapped itself up.

With nearly 80 days of the season past, and you having talked for all of them, Delilah and Henry’s relationship is a weird one - there’s no other human characters visible in the game outside of Brian’s body, and a firejumper at the very end of the game, save for a picture of Henry and Julia in Henry’s tower - so Henry and Delilah know each other only by voice. At the very end, the fire starts to advance through the forest, and it’s unsafe for the lookouts to stay any longer - Delilah tells you to walk the 10 miles to Thoroughfare tower, and be evacuated by helicopter. Most of the walk gives you plenty of time to think in the smoky wilderness: “I’m going to get to finally meet Delilah.” When nearly there, the call comes in - the helicopter is here, They need to get Delilah out, and they’ll come back and get you. You can ask if she’ll stay and wait for you - she’s gotta go.

So you arrive at her tower, in the midst of swirling smoke. You walk up, walk into her tower, grab her radio, and talk.

You can invite her back to Boulder with you once you leave, you can ask her a few last questions, and then, that’s it, you get on the helicopter, the only other living person in the game reaches out their hand to you, and you take off. You don’t even see their face.

This game. This game. Was fantastic.

I honestly loved this game so much. And I spent over a year, getting together a computer just to play it (the shaders on this one did not play nice with the emulated graphics bridge), and avoiding spoilers like the plague. I knew it would be better if I went into it blind. I even avoided watching Markiplier play it, and I love Markiplier! Just the lead-up for me made it even better. But there’s no shortage of amazing things in this game.

Not seeing anyone. No one. Outside of Brian’s body, and the one fire jumper in the helicopter. You don’t see Delilah in game, you don’t see Julia outside of one polaroid, you barely even see Henry - the occasional shot of his hands, belly, and one polaroid in the end credits is all you get. That isolation brought on by being alone in the trees and the smoke, it’s just... unnerving, which is why I think I got so sucked into the conspiracy. It’s just... God, it’s 100% my pick of the year.

A lot of the poorer reviews on Steam for Firewatch cite the short length of the story, the seeming lack of resolution, and the “high price” for a game lasting just shy of 5 or 6 hours if you take it reallllll slowwwwwww. I think most of those reviews are missing the point. The gameplay may be short, but I think there’s a significant narrative replay value in the game, seeing all the little changes and choices you missed the first time around. The developer commentary alone is worth another few rounds of replay. And, okay, maybe you’re all not like me, and don’t enjoy toddling around in the woods with a disposable camera, taking pictures of the pretty trees and sunsets, but hey, I like it! The real point of this story isn’t some complex, conspiracy-ridden rollercoaster ride... it’s just the story of a bunch of people, alone and isolated in the woods. That’s all it’s ever really about. Nothing more.

Firewatch is quite possibly the greatest and simplest narrative experience, ever, and certainly one of the most beautiful. You can play it for yourself here, or learn more about developer Campo Santo here

[make-it-trouble-archive]

HEADCANON- Science Department Structure

//Is this incredibly self indulgent? Yes. Do I care? Well, a little bit, but I love my Science Rockets~So...

The Science Department of Team Rocket has always been the secret underbelly to the organisation, although it is integral to the innovation and development the Team goes through. From PokeBalls that allow one to steal a trainer’s pokemon, to genetically modified super-pokemon, the calibre of scientist hired by Team Rocket is second to none. However, on first glance, one might not think it. Disgraced medical practitioners, those shunned by the academic fraternity and social outcasts inhabit the dank basements, at the very bottom of each base of operations. The most prominent labs on Cinnabar have since been cleared out, in preparation for the then imminent eruption of the volcano. Now the main force reside in the Mahogany Town base, deep below the main base of operation.

As with the rest of the organisation, the Science Department is a well oiled machine, comprised of a distinct chain of command.

Giovanni- There is no one in Team Rocket who doesn’t answer to Giovanni. Although he doesn’t always have the most direct role with his scientists, all Team changing projects are to go through him first, all funding must be approved by him, and any mistakes will be personally dealt with by him. Any promotions can be overturned by him, as well as any other decisions by his subordinates.

Archer- Archer is considered the manager of the Science Department, among his various other roles. He’s the go to man when it comes to issues among the ranks and dictates the direction the crew takes as a whole. He is far more likely than Giovanni to take a hands on role with the Department, but it’s mostly limited to the processing of paper work. If Giovanni is unavailable to approve a project or it is deemed too lowly even for his eyes, Archer must deal with it. It’s worth noting that the other Executives have absolutely no say in what Archer does with his scientists. The only occasion when he might choose to give his scientists over to the others is as advisers, or in the case of Proton, punishment receivers.

Head Scientists- A small handful of the brightest, best and most experienced members of the Department are selected for this highly prestigious role. These individuals may as well answer to no one, save the Boss, his Executives, and a few select Agents, who may equal their position. On the overall pecking order, they sit an inch beneath Proton and Petrel, their role being mostly administrative. Although they don’t take orders from Proton, Petrel or Ariana, their own orders can be overridden by these individuals. In their seat of power, they command their own team of scientists, assistants and a small body of muscle-grunts, dealing with the vast majority of the administrative work for it, including budget, promotions, project approval, resource ordering and so forth. As well as the tedious admin work, they also are privy to the most high tech equipment, any laboratory they desire (yes, they can pluck a minion out of lab room at whim if they want), and the most prestigious work, often delivered directly from Giovanni’s hand himself. And in between times... the lab is their playground. They can pick and choose agents and grunts to work on collection or field work for them with little limitation, a simple okay from Archer and said member’s Executive being all they need. Additionally, they have their own personal flat on base, with enough room to entertain. One cannot be hired a Head Scientist. The role is won by promotion only, being one of trust and honour within the Team. Archer or Giovanni may pick a Senior Scientist for promotion, with Giovanni’s express approval being essential regardless. The other Executives may recommend a scientist for promotion, but strictly off the books, as opposed to the more official motions put through by the former two. 

Scientists- The main body of the workforce, and the brains behind the entirety of Team Rocket. They are feared by some, mocked by others, but the position is doubtlessly a comfortable one. Each Scientist is given a private living area, distinct from the standard Grunt’s bunk rooms, complete with private showers, and shared kitchen and living areas. They are no longer forced into a uniform, being allowed to choose the mode of dress most appropriate for their work, provided they’re professional and have the red ‘R’ of Rocket stitched into their lab coats. Loyalty is still a priority, after all. Although the role is comfortable, the rank is not powerful. Scientists cannot choose how they dole out punishment, although its common for this rule to be flaunted under the radar. Scientist may even be punished themselves for picking out their own (usually sadistic) reprimands, if they are found out. This role is split further into three sections: Senior Scientists- These are the elite agents of the science world, the ace trainers, the veterans. ‘Senior’ doesn’t at all denote age, rather experience. A former doctor may be hired as a Senior Scientist, or a long time Scientist may be promoted to this role by their Head Scientist, pending Archer’s approval, so long as they have the respect of their superiors. Among a Head Scientist’s work force there may be three to five Senior Scientists, only their best of the best receiving this title. For their hard work, they are rewarded the most interesting and challenging projects to work on, and the largest cut of the annual budget (save the Head Scientists) dedicated to them and them alone. They can apply for huge grants from the Boss should he like their work enough, and boast the highest pay, as well as their own private lab room and study. However, they are expected to work unreasonable hours, for clients with what might look like impossible problems. Despite their rank being fairly high, they do not have the power to punish, although they have the power to scold the scientists and grunts beneath them, and even recommend them for disciplining, their requests being taken on good authority. They are in a position to pull from the lower ranks of agents and grunts to run errands for them, and can even use Junior Scientists as Assistants should they so desire. They are answerable to anyone equal or higher in ranking to their Head Scientist, though, including the higher ranking Elite Agents and other Admin roles. Scientists- Much like their Senior counterparts, the mid-ranking scientists can be hired from the field or promoted from a lower position, needing to be selected by the Head Scientist with Archer’s approval, although the jump from Junior to Scientist is taken far more lightly than that of Scientist to Senior. They have their own, private cut of the budget, although it is considerably more modest than a Senior Scientists, and applying for a grant requires far more cutting of red tape. Their rank is similar to the Senior Scientists, only being able to pull grunts for use on the field or even in the lab, and only being able to recommend those beneath them for disciplining. They are usually assigned one room to be their lab, with access to the rest of the facilities on booked time.  Junior Scientists- More of a transitional role, it’s rare for a Junior to be hired, more commonly being promoted up from a hard working Assistant, with only the Head Scientist’s approval needed (although, naturally, Archer can overturn this at a later date). This position is most often held for only a year or two, as a test of newly promoted scientist’s prowess and behaviour. It’s almost unheard of for a Junior Scientist to not be promoted, however if they are not, it’s most likely because they we demoted. As such, this makes the Junior Scientist position very precarious, as any faux pas could just as easily send them down to Grunt again. Junior’s share one budget set aside for their ranks, as well as sharing labs with other Junior’s or even unfortunate fully fledged Scientists. They are held much to the same standard as Scientists otherwise, and their powers are similar, although on a smaller scale. Junior Scientist often get landed with the most boring work, things that may be too complicated for Assistants, but are relatively dull in the world of Team Rocket Science.

Assistants- For all intents and purposes, Assistants are Grunts in lab coats, answerable, like most Grunts, to everybody in the organisation. However, the Science Department most often has a priority over what the Lab Assistants do. It’s not unheard of for an Assistant to have guard duty in the morning, followed by surgery in the afternoon and paperwork in the evening. They are required to wear their black uniform at all times, being provided with lab coats at the entrance to the labs. The Head Scientist has pick of the Assistants first, usually picking a select few to be their personal Assistants, with the lower ranking scientists taking from what is left over. It is not uncommon for scientists to pick out one or more Assistants as their favourites, although they are not bound in anyway by contract. Assistants have a varied role, usually revolving around errand, paper work and passing their smarter colleagues tools, although more hardworking Assistants may be rewarded with their own menial experiments to be in charge of. Assistants are permitted to use the lab facilities in their down time, but as they have no allotted budget, any materials taken without the permission from either the Head or a Senior Scientist will be counted as stealing, and is a punishable offence. They are also bound by slots on sign up sheets, and scientist that wants to take their slot must be obeyed. Most Assistants aren’t this enterprising, the role often being seen as a punishment for bad behaviour, inadequate skill or as a general demotion when minor discrepancies can push a Team member no lower. Very few offer to take the role voluntarily.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Queen Elizabeth II's ladies in waiting said one of her Royals has gone missing from the airport.

They looked all over for him and in the camera.

Its likley he used a drop door in the bottom of the air craft then did a ghillile crawl. So he would be in black outfit similar shape to a devil ray and he would move super slow across the pavement.

These typically flip out to be grass or woodland or desert colored.

They "threads" like the leaves or grass mound or bush typically get very dirty and so it helps it dirty up like an iron skillet keeps its darkness and dirtyness. So it looks more authentic.

They can shake off or clean. So then the outfit that they wear can be washed cause it gets dark. So it is rather nice little thing. Its got a cotton wicking of sweat fiber that is meshed with the Kevlar in the wing spans.

And so he probably quick crawled to a tunnel and by quick I mean laying down and moving 6 to 8 inches over a 10 minute span.

Some suits are designed to override a heat sensor so the wing span will heat or cool to avoid the heat sensors finding a spot that is a different temperature than the ground. It has a computer sensor to calibrate temperature from both the air and the ground. Then under this rather heavy material in their facial area which is under the wing span with mesh like eyes, is a temperature control so that a fan will blow heat or cool that the body needs to survive.

They're rare and used for specialists of the highest degree.

So then in the tunnel im told by the lady he usually just wears jeans and street clothes. And so the wings will fold up into a traditional looking back pack.

The thigh area usually has two to four different colors and styles of bags so they can be switched for incognito style. Pink. Miltary style. General black. Their choice usually. This helps disguise the butt if one has a rather juicy one. And distracts from the movement of the feet as it is a small bump and then falls flat, the wings are then sometimes placed on wheels as well so they disguise to be a hump in the dirt like a little hill. Its typical of tent stakes.

Its also nearly 100 pounds.

Anyway so.

Knowing the area as he does he may be in the desert or he may be in the tunnels very deep and not have cell service.

Our men are all very busy now and I know there is actually 6 platoons missing right now from different areas of the globe. There may be more but that is all I have noticed.

They're out working and their families should not worry, all is safe.

This nice airport guy just panicked himself and so i don't want others to worry. And i know military men typically keep their gear secret,

And this particular disguise also has pockets for food and more. Usually im told that they use one thigh bag to carry the food in a duffle style and then carry the wings in their bags solo so that they aren't having to look and search for an MRE or bottle of water. And this way they can also carry extra in their wings as well if its a longer or dangerous mission. This way they can hide in peace as long as possible.

Every thing does run on small solar circuits and there is a back up battery. And they can charge them as they hitchhike if they desire or leave them to sit outside of the bag or remove them and have them to charge while they're in a house and place them in the yard.

So we don't know where they are and that is for their safety, as well as our own.

If we know they are doing an at risk procedure and like say its the mafia, and then the mafia finds out who they are but can't find them then the mafia may go to the wife and rough her up for information. But if you truly do not know, as a wife. They can tell.

Now I say the mafia as an example. Now like with South American gangs we do work a program with the mafia to keep them clean and stable and to prevent shake ups like I explained

However family safety is most important and so this is why their location is unknown,

They just check in with the wings. And there is several ways to do so. If they do not check in with the wings then a transmitter will let out the GPS location and a full fire alarm and we send out as many people to that GPS point as possible to extract any at risk employee of the United Nations.

The location is now SMS to find out what's going on in that location . previously we would send snipers, prepare the local police and ambulance services and we would surround the location and we did some serious drama.

Now we can look and see what our man/woman had been doing and who was around and why they hadn't checked in.

So they must check in every 3 hours if they are in at risk location. Then if they move tbey double tap a check in and then alert the wings how they will check in later, they do a code different than Morse code but similar with taps. So then the alarm will not sound if they say they're moving to a 6 hour location.

If they miss a tap in they have two hours. If they do not respond the wings will send a transmitter stating "possibly missing" it hasn't ever sent a GPS at that time. The only time it would send a GPS without the timing on a first time alert -- is when they are wearing the suit and they have no pulse. The GPS is sent on a all alarm fire and snipers are out and then people are rushed to go through any situation no matter how high the danger to find them and see if they can revive, see what happened. Vitals are also sent every 15minutes. Snipers will continue to swarm the area

We have had only one sniper and one runner many times before and then the runner has ran through gang territory while being shot at to save our man/woman, once getting to them, they slide under the wings which are made of several different layers of Kevlar fabric. Then assist the person under with them. So our people are extremely important and we will protect them 110%

So the wings like a devil ray or sting ray are their guardians. And their wings that keep them safe and alive. And us as well.

And so they can go anywhere that they need completely unseen and then alert when medically necessary or when an issue is unknown and the person had left their guardian. Or at times refused to check in so they can be retrieved/extracted. If they have completed their mission

Obviously these were created before cell phones. But have berb updated with solar and ways to charge their phones. Some people will actually leave their phones behind at their port they return to.

This way if theyre found or even just mugged, they have no connection to their families or friends or employer or co worker.

Men usually tell their wives or girlfriend they had a cold and was sleeping it off or their phone broke or something dumb.

Because they know the wings will get them home safe no matter what. And the wings also do have a small GPS system and screen. And they can and some do check in and say if they are in a fire fight mode or just chill and let the call desk know of their status. It does not transmit a GPS, unless they request a back up.

Some are scouts, some are snipers. Some investigators. Some to establish if research is correct and many many more other reasons that even I don't know of. Not all use the GPS screens or even turn it on. But they have it available to them.

So they have the old Morse system then the new updates so they can call an emergency through the GPS, Morse wings or allow a non check in.

Regardless of how, they must check in to their comfort. If they feel very at risk they lessen the time between check ins. If they feel very safe they can go up to 12 hours depending on their experience, qualifications and level of safety

Three wings know where they are so if one wants to check in at 10 hours, but the wings check the area from toffee information of previous Morse codes add information input into a computer forthe wings system, the wings will over ride their choice and say this is a 3 hour area. You must check in between 4 and 5 hours. 6 will alert. So someone whom can input 10 hours do typically gain extra time if requested.

The user can request a reminder of sound or hidden light flash.

The correcting of time is done by a number in digital like dots that will say the number.

CI will come on then 4 then 5 then A then 6

Then it will say OK?

So they click 4 pause 1 then pause 1

If they want to argue its 6 pause 8 pause 12

That's 6 hours to 8 hour check in. Alarm after 12 hours of no check in.

Then it will say Y or NO.

Then they Morse code fuck you which means fine I will do as you say if told no.

Or if told yes they Morse code I love you.

There's other responses that are catagory as normal. So if someone finds the suit and tries to talk to the wings and the response isn't the typical "chicken wings" when told to check in sooner. The wings will open a audio transmitter to the call desk to see if there's danger with audio. The human there can then activate camera with vision mode. Then the GPS can be requested as per what is heard and seen.

But those are my two favorite.

Sothe wings are very dramatic.

And anyone with them is completely safe

There's so much more they can do than what I've said. They're autonomy simply amazing.

They're designed after my mommy and daddy. Tried to design them to do everything my guardian angels can do and sometimes better or just a new way.

So thanks for understanding.

Military work is very complex.

[michaelfallcon]

Meet Taika: The New Adaptogenic Canned Coffee From Kal Freese

Kal Freese is a two-time Finland National Barista Champion (2013, 2015) and part of the founding team at Sudden Coffee in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sudden Coffee helped launch a new category of specialty instant coffee—a wholesale rethink of the product that is still making waves around the specialty coffee world. Freese left Sudden in 2017 and is now the co-founder of Taika, a company that is today debuting a new line of ready-to-drink adaptogenic infused coffee beverages.

Taika, which means “magic” in Finnish, is launching with three plant-based coffee beverage offerings: a sugar-free, keto-friendly macadamia latte that Freese says “tastes like melted coffee ice cream,” an oat milk latte, and an unsweetened black coffee. All contain the same adaptogen blend of Cordyceps, Lion’s Mane, Reishi, Ashwagandha, and L-theanine designed to balance out the effects of caffeine and to, according to Taika’s website, keep the drinker “calm, focused, and clear.”

James Hoffmann—the London-based coffee vlogger, author, product spokesman, and World Barista Champion—is one of Taika’s early investors. He tells Sprudge he’s excited to work with Taika for several reasons.

“Firstly, and most importantly, they’re focused on the destination, where coffee takes you, how it makes you feel. Secondly, they really understand what great tasting coffee is and how hard it is to do well. This means that the moment they told me about the products, I wanted them in my fridge at home and at my office too. Most of the time I drink coffee because I either enjoy the taste or because I want focus and productivity, so that Taika does both without compromise or making me choose makes it incredibly compelling.”

Not bad as far as introductions go, but we just had to learn more. I spoke with Kal Freese digitally and asked him a range of questions about Taika, adaptogens, price points, and what he sees as the future of coffee.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. 

Hey Kal—thanks for speaking with Sprudge. How long has your new project Taika been in the works?

Kal Freese: I started working on Taika with my co-founder Michael Sharon in early 2019. Unlike most other CPG companies, we started by selling the coffee to our friends and their offices in private beta from the very first batch. This allowed us to get immediate feedback, iterate really rapidly, and sell over 50,000 cans before even launching publicly.

What’s in a can of Taika?

Both Michael and I love coffee (surprise). Alas, over the past few years caffeine started giving us nasty side effects many people are familiar with: anxiety, jitters, and heart palpitations. Decaf wasn’t the answer: most of the time we wanted some caffeine, but not too much.

This is when we learned about L-theanine and other adaptogens—natural plant extracts and functional mushrooms—that support the body’s ability to deal with stress. We started researching and experimenting with these compounds. Adaptogens turned out to be a game-changer in balancing the caffeine and reducing the side effects.

However, keeping a bunch of random capsules with you and remembering to take them every time you have coffee sucks. So we set out to create a coffee that’s absolutely delicious and perfectly calibrated with the highest quality adaptogens so there are no compromises.

We only use FDA GRAS certified natural plant extracts and functional mushrooms that have legit scientific evidence validating their effectiveness and safety. They also have a long history of demonstrated use in many cultures. For example, L-theanine is naturally found in green tea and has very robust evidence proving its effectiveness in working synergistically with caffeine.

We were also frustrated with so many other delicious drinks being so full sugar. We wanted to make Taika authentically good for you by not adding any sugar. Instead, we use a combo of monk fruit and allulose, a naturally-occurring rare sugar that’s found in figs and wheat. It’s almost as sweet as sugar but has 10% of the calories and no impact on blood sugar.

Most canned coffees are actually too high in caffeine: around 200mg per can. For most people, this much caffeine is counterproductive as it creates too much stimulation. Based on scientific research and our tests, the ideal amount seems to be around 100mg per can. During our R&D process, we ended up developing a method which we’ve now patented for adjusting the naturally occurring caffeine in coffee. We use this to dial the caffeine for every batch we make.

How important was it that this coffee product tastes like *good coffee*?

Taste is the most important thing. Our focus has always been on taste, health, and wellness—in that order. Right now, most beverages are either delicious or healthy but rarely both. We wanted to create something that’s both uncompromisingly delicious and authentically healthy.

Our coffee is roasted by 49th Parallel in Vancouver, BC. They’re one of my absolute favorite roasters in the world and I’ve been working with them since 2015. Their direct trade sourcing practices are among the best and their roasting is consistently on point. If you’ve ever been in a cupping with me, you might have heard me complain about underdeveloped roasts. That never happens with 49th.

What category does this product belong in? Are there any other companies doing something similar?

Roughly speaking, Taika straddles two categories: premium ready-to-drink coffee and functional beverages. That being said—taking a step back, we see this massive trend emerging at the intersection of taste, health, and wellness. Functional foods, plant-based meats, keto cereals, and similar products are seeing rapidly growing demand from consumers who want easier ways of living proactive, healthy, and joyful lifestyles. We call this stealth health.

Stealth health means creating products that are uncompromisingly delicious, authentically good for you, and tap into existing behaviors like your daily coffee ritual. We believe that there’s a huge global demand for these stealth health products, so we’re starting by reimagining a beverage that’s a global commodity and gets consumed more than 2 billion times a day: coffee.

Tell us about the price point—when Sudden launched it was $6 per cup and the big question was how to scale and bring that price down. Is this a consideration with Taika?

After working in coffee for more than a decade, I started to see this big discrepancy between the specialty coffee industry and the mainstream consumers. We in the specialty world are obsessed with the origin: what makes our coffee special. However, for the vast majority of people, coffee is a functional beverage that can also taste nice. Over indexing on the origin alienates us from consumers who care more about functionality, ritual, and convenience. Billions of people in the world are physiologically dependent on coffee’s functionality but I’ve seen virtually no brands trying to improve this.

Instead of the origin, Taika is focused on the destination: how the coffee makes you feel. This doesn’t mean we don’t care about the origin. We work with 49th Parallel to source amazing single-origin coffee and do everything in our power to make sure the sourcing practices are top-notch; we just don’t put all that in front of the can.

There are plenty of origin-focused premium cold brews at the $5 price point. Taika is not an answer to the lack of good coffee, but rather to an abundance of it. We believe that for anyone looking to get more out of their coffee, we deliver significant value that justifies that price point.

The $6 price point lands us squarely in the mid-range of functional and CBD beverages, with Vybes ($8) and Dirty Lemon ($10) picking up the upper end of that range.

There’s a lot of magical language on the can itself. Is there a balance between magic and science when it comes to adaptogenic coffee products?

One of our customers in NYC made a point that it felt almost magical to get a case of delicious yet healthy macadamia latte delivered to her within two hours in the middle of a pandemic, especially when a typical Amazon or grocery delivery now takes several days or a week.

This is the perfect example of the “wow” experience I love to create for my customers. I closed my cafe in Helsinki and started Sudden Coffee to make great coffee more accessible on a bigger scale. With Taika, we’re building the version 3.0 of what I call “scalable hospitality:” leveraging technology to accentuate the product experience and enable our customers to connect with the brand in a fun and accessible way.

In the beginning, I put my personal number on the cans so people could text us feedback and order more. It worked so well that we decided to put the number front and center. We’ve had some hilarious philosophical discussions with people trying to figure out whether they’re talking to a bot or a human. It’s fun and weird—a pretty good substitute for not being able to go to your local coffee shop right now.

You’re debuting Taika during an unprecedented historical moment—has the launch strategy changed?

In early March, more than 80% of our revenue was coming from office customers. That disappeared overnight with the shelter-in-place order and we completely pivoted our beta to a DTC approach.

We were originally planning on launching in April and decided to push that back by a month. I know this is a really hard time for a lot of people, including a huge part of my beloved coffee community. It feels weird to be launching a new product now because there’s so much uncertainty and so many people are suffering on many different levels.

On the other hand, we’ve been running this private beta for over a year and the feedback from our friends and beta testers about the benefits of calming, immunity-boosting WFH coffee has been unequivocally positive. We feel like providing this product and a fun, lighthearted approach to the space at this time is a way for us to help people cope. To address concerns around social distancing, we also launched two-hour contactless deliveries in SF, LA, and NYC.

In addition, for every case sold we’re donating a case to our heroes, the frontline medical workers. So far we’ve handed out over 1,200 cans. If you know someone in the frontlines in SF or NYC who could use coffee, shoot us an email at hello@taika.co.

Where will this be available?

Taika is currently available for contactless local delivery within two hours in SF, LA, and NYC and select retail stores, including Erewhon in LA and Bi-Rite, Rainbow Grocery, and Good Eggs in the Bay Area.

What’s the next step?

Growing our team, expanding our retail presence in SF, LA, and NYC and starting working on some new, exciting stealth health products beyond coffee.

Thank you. 

Follow Taika on Instagram and visit their official website. 

Zachary Carlsen is a co-founder and editor at Sprudge Media Network. Read more Zachary Carlsen on Sprudge. 

Meet Taika: The New Adaptogenic Canned Coffee From Kal Freese published first on https://medium.com/@LinLinCoffee

[shebreathesslowly]

Meet Taika: The New Adaptogenic Canned Coffee From Kal Freese

Kal Freese is a two-time Finland National Barista Champion (2013, 2015) and part of the founding team at Sudden Coffee in the San Francisco Bay Area. Sudden Coffee helped launch a new category of specialty instant coffee—a wholesale rethink of the product that is still making waves around the specialty coffee world. Freese left Sudden in 2017 and is now the co-founder of Taika, a company that is today debuting a new line of ready-to-drink adaptogenic infused coffee beverages.

Taika, which means “magic” in Finnish, is launching with three plant-based coffee beverage offerings: a sugar-free, keto-friendly macadamia latte that Freese says “tastes like melted coffee ice cream,” an oat milk latte, and an unsweetened black coffee. All contain the same adaptogen blend of Cordyceps, Lion’s Mane, Reishi, Ashwagandha, and L-theanine designed to balance out the effects of caffeine and to, according to Taika’s website, keep the drinker “calm, focused, and clear.”

James Hoffmann—the London-based coffee vlogger, author, product spokesman, and World Barista Champion—is one of Taika’s early investors. He tells Sprudge he’s excited to work with Taika for several reasons.

“Firstly, and most importantly, they’re focused on the destination, where coffee takes you, how it makes you feel. Secondly, they really understand what great tasting coffee is and how hard it is to do well. This means that the moment they told me about the products, I wanted them in my fridge at home and at my office too. Most of the time I drink coffee because I either enjoy the taste or because I want focus and productivity, so that Taika does both without compromise or making me choose makes it incredibly compelling.”

Not bad as far as introductions go, but we just had to learn more. I spoke with Kal Freese digitally and asked him a range of questions about Taika, adaptogens, price points, and what he sees as the future of coffee.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. 

Hey Kal—thanks for speaking with Sprudge. How long has your new project Taika been in the works?

Kal Freese: I started working on Taika with my co-founder Michael Sharon in early 2019. Unlike most other CPG companies, we started by selling the coffee to our friends and their offices in private beta from the very first batch. This allowed us to get immediate feedback, iterate really rapidly, and sell over 50,000 cans before even launching publicly.

What’s in a can of Taika?

Both Michael and I love coffee (surprise). Alas, over the past few years caffeine started giving us nasty side effects many people are familiar with: anxiety, jitters, and heart palpitations. Decaf wasn’t the answer: most of the time we wanted some caffeine, but not too much.

This is when we learned about L-theanine and other adaptogens—natural plant extracts and functional mushrooms—that support the body’s ability to deal with stress. We started researching and experimenting with these compounds. Adaptogens turned out to be a game-changer in balancing the caffeine and reducing the side effects.

However, keeping a bunch of random capsules with you and remembering to take them every time you have coffee sucks. So we set out to create a coffee that’s absolutely delicious and perfectly calibrated with the highest quality adaptogens so there are no compromises.

We only use FDA GRAS certified natural plant extracts and functional mushrooms that have legit scientific evidence validating their effectiveness and safety. They also have a long history of demonstrated use in many cultures. For example, L-theanine is naturally found in green tea and has very robust evidence proving its effectiveness in working synergistically with caffeine.

We were also frustrated with so many other delicious drinks being so full sugar. We wanted to make Taika authentically good for you by not adding any sugar. Instead, we use a combo of monk fruit and allulose, a naturally-occurring rare sugar that’s found in figs and wheat. It’s almost as sweet as sugar but has 10% of the calories and no impact on blood sugar.

Most canned coffees are actually too high in caffeine: around 200mg per can. For most people, this much caffeine is counterproductive as it creates too much stimulation. Based on scientific research and our tests, the ideal amount seems to be around 100mg per can. During our R&D process, we ended up developing a method which we’ve now patented for adjusting the naturally occurring caffeine in coffee. We use this to dial the caffeine for every batch we make.

How important was it that this coffee product tastes like *good coffee*?

Taste is the most important thing. Our focus has always been on taste, health, and wellness—in that order. Right now, most beverages are either delicious or healthy but rarely both. We wanted to create something that’s both uncompromisingly delicious and authentically healthy.

Our coffee is roasted by 49th Parallel in Vancouver, BC. They’re one of my absolute favorite roasters in the world and I’ve been working with them since 2015. Their direct trade sourcing practices are among the best and their roasting is consistently on point. If you’ve ever been in a cupping with me, you might have heard me complain about underdeveloped roasts. That never happens with 49th.

What category does this product belong in? Are there any other companies doing something similar?

Roughly speaking, Taika straddles two categories: premium ready-to-drink coffee and functional beverages. That being said—taking a step back, we see this massive trend emerging at the intersection of taste, health, and wellness. Functional foods, plant-based meats, keto cereals, and similar products are seeing rapidly growing demand from consumers who want easier ways of living proactive, healthy, and joyful lifestyles. We call this stealth health.

Stealth health means creating products that are uncompromisingly delicious, authentically good for you, and tap into existing behaviors like your daily coffee ritual. We believe that there’s a huge global demand for these stealth health products, so we’re starting by reimagining a beverage that’s a global commodity and gets consumed more than 2 billion times a day: coffee.

Tell us about the price point—when Sudden launched it was $6 per cup and the big question was how to scale and bring that price down. Is this a consideration with Taika?

After working in coffee for more than a decade, I started to see this big discrepancy between the specialty coffee industry and the mainstream consumers. We in the specialty world are obsessed with the origin: what makes our coffee special. However, for the vast majority of people, coffee is a functional beverage that can also taste nice. Over indexing on the origin alienates us from consumers who care more about functionality, ritual, and convenience. Billions of people in the world are physiologically dependent on coffee’s functionality but I’ve seen virtually no brands trying to improve this.

Instead of the origin, Taika is focused on the destination: how the coffee makes you feel. This doesn’t mean we don’t care about the origin. We work with 49th Parallel to source amazing single-origin coffee and do everything in our power to make sure the sourcing practices are top-notch; we just don’t put all that in front of the can.

There are plenty of origin-focused premium cold brews at the $5 price point. Taika is not an answer to the lack of good coffee, but rather to an abundance of it. We believe that for anyone looking to get more out of their coffee, we deliver significant value that justifies that price point.

The $6 price point lands us squarely in the mid-range of functional and CBD beverages, with Vybes ($8) and Dirty Lemon ($10) picking up the upper end of that range.

There’s a lot of magical language on the can itself. Is there a balance between magic and science when it comes to adaptogenic coffee products?

One of our customers in NYC made a point that it felt almost magical to get a case of delicious yet healthy macadamia latte delivered to her within two hours in the middle of a pandemic, especially when a typical Amazon or grocery delivery now takes several days or a week.

This is the perfect example of the “wow” experience I love to create for my customers. I closed my cafe in Helsinki and started Sudden Coffee to make great coffee more accessible on a bigger scale. With Taika, we’re building the version 3.0 of what I call “scalable hospitality:” leveraging technology to accentuate the product experience and enable our customers to connect with the brand in a fun and accessible way.

In the beginning, I put my personal number on the cans so people could text us feedback and order more. It worked so well that we decided to put the number front and center. We’ve had some hilarious philosophical discussions with people trying to figure out whether they’re talking to a bot or a human. It’s fun and weird—a pretty good substitute for not being able to go to your local coffee shop right now.

You’re debuting Taika during an unprecedented historical moment—has the launch strategy changed?

In early March, more than 80% of our revenue was coming from office customers. That disappeared overnight with the shelter-in-place order and we completely pivoted our beta to a DTC approach.

We were originally planning on launching in April and decided to push that back by a month. I know this is a really hard time for a lot of people, including a huge part of my beloved coffee community. It feels weird to be launching a new product now because there’s so much uncertainty and so many people are suffering on many different levels.

On the other hand, we’ve been running this private beta for over a year and the feedback from our friends and beta testers about the benefits of calming, immunity-boosting WFH coffee has been unequivocally positive. We feel like providing this product and a fun, lighthearted approach to the space at this time is a way for us to help people cope. To address concerns around social distancing, we also launched two-hour contactless deliveries in SF, LA, and NYC.

In addition, for every case sold we’re donating a case to our heroes, the frontline medical workers. So far we’ve handed out over 1,200 cans. If you know someone in the frontlines in SF or NYC who could use coffee, shoot us an email at hello@taika.co.

Where will this be available?

Taika is currently available for contactless local delivery within two hours in SF, LA, and NYC and select retail stores, including Erewhon in LA and Bi-Rite, Rainbow Grocery, and Good Eggs in the Bay Area.

What’s the next step?

Growing our team, expanding our retail presence in SF, LA, and NYC and starting working on some new, exciting stealth health products beyond coffee.

Thank you. 

Follow Taika on Instagram and visit their official website. 

Zachary Carlsen is a co-founder and editor at Sprudge Media Network. Read more Zachary Carlsen on Sprudge. 

from Sprudge https://ift.tt/2T1hBd7

[torontoarenas]

rapid-fire takes on every NHL free agent signing > $1.5M

$1.5M is an arbitrary cut-off, but I figure that anything less than that can be buried in the minors without too much difficulty. in other words, if you’re signing a guy for less than $1.5M, you clearly don’t expect big things from them. also, these signings all took place on July 1, another arbitrary cut-off. here are my takes, in alphabetical order by surname:

Noel Acciari (3 years, $1.667M AAV with Florida)

not sure why they felt the need to give a three-year term to a depth forward (and not a particularly good one at that), but the low cost means that won’t be a huge problem

Sebastian Aho (5 years, $8.454M AAV with Montreal)

the Habs did an incredible job signing one of the sport’s premier young talents to a bargain of a contract. it’s a shame, then, that the contract in question was in the form of an offer sheet, which means it will be a farcically easy decision for Carolina to match it and retain Aho’s services. nonetheless, I’d like to sincerely thank Montreal for signing the first offer sheet since February 2013 and, in doing so, making this off-season slightly more interesting.

Pierre-Édouard Bellemare (2 years, $1.8M AAV with Colorado)

my initial reaction when I heard about this signing was: “why?” but his numbers since leaving Philadelphia have actually been pretty decent, so I don’t mind it for the Avs.

Jordie Benn (2 years, $2M AAV with Vancouver)

doesn’t really move the needle, but he’s probably better than whoever the hell else the Canucks would’ve played in his stead, so whatever.

Sergei Bobrovsky (7 years, $10M AAV with Florida)

as a rule, DO NOT GIVE GOALIES THIS MUCH TERM OR SALARY, IT IS NOT WORTH IT. especially if that goalie turns 31 before the start of the first season of seven. this contract will likely be an albatross well before the halfway point, if not immediately. it truly cannot be overstated how inadvisable this contract is.

Alex Chiasson (2 years, $2.15M AAV with Edmonton)

this is another contract to which a shrug, followed by the words “hey, sure, why not,” would be a fair response.

Brett Connolly (4 years, $3.25M AAV with Florida)

he’s a decent player, but the four-year term is a bit iffy. I’m not entirely sure what the Panthers think they’re doing, although maybe I’m mistaken in assuming that Dale Tallon thinks.

Joonas Donskoi (4 years, $3.9M AAV with Colorado)

I really like this deal, but the fact that this was arguably the best-value UFA signing today says a lot about (1) the calibre of the players who tend make it to unrestricted free agency in first place; (2) GMs’ absurd overvaluing of depth players; and (3) the general lack of excitement in off-season transactions. regardless, this was a shrewd move.

Matt Duchene (7 years, $8 AAV with Nashville)

to be sure, the Predators overpaid for him, but not by as much as I thought they would, so ... congrats? he doesn’t really drive play & the main reason he scored more in 2018-19 than his career average (62 points per 82 games) was an unsustainably high shooting percentage. he’ll be a productive player for most of the contract, but it’s still a bit rich for my blood.

Valtteri Filppula (2 years, $3M AAV with Detroit)

unsurprisingly, an old guy who has been bad for several years now continued to be quite bad last season, except for the fact that he scored a few more goals than he usually does. for some reason, Detroit deemed that to be a good enough reason to give him a two-year contract. however, the Red Wings aren’t likely to be competitive in the next two seasons anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter.

Ron Hainsey (1 year, $3.5M with Ottawa)

well, the Senators needed to overpay somebody to get to the salary cap floor, so it literally might as well be Ron Hainsey. he’s terrible at this point, but so are the Ottawa Senators, making his contract irrelevant. they could’ve given him $10M for all the difference it would make.

Ryan Hartman (2 years, $1.9M AAV with Minnesota)

[see: Alex Chiasson]

Garnet Hathaway (4 years, $1.5M AAV with Washington)

four years? for whom now???

Keith Kinkaid (1 year, $1.75M with Montreal)

he’s not a good goalie, but if he were, he’d probably be making more money. I dunno what to tell ya.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anders Lee (7 years, $7M AAV with NY Islanders)

ahh, a classic case of “overpaying to retain a guy in order to save face after striking out on better free agents.” the Islanders are now closer to the cap than they were last year, they haven’t improved at all, and they weren’t even that good to begin with. folks, you just love to see it.

Robin Lehner (1 year, $5M with Chicago)

the contract itself is fair value, but what’s puzzling is the team that signed it. I talked about this earlier, but why is it Chicago’s goal to make the playoffs next year? it’s not gonna turn back the clock. the 2013 versions of their core players are never coming back, so they’re just delaying their rebuild for no good reason.

Timo Meier (4 years, $6M AAV with San Jose)

a very team-friendly deal. what’s not to like?

Petr Mrazek (2 years, $3.125M AAV with Carolina)

I have no idea if Mrazek is going to be any good next year, but it’s worth a shot.

Ryan Murray (2 years, $4.6M AAV with Columbus)

I hadn’t actually heard about this signing until I started writing this post, and I’m too tired to do any research. I was under the impression that Ryan Murray isn’t very good, but I’m not going to say any more than that in case I’m wrong.

Tyler Myers (5 years, $6M AAV with Vancouver)

a truly horrendous contract. to put it simply, Myers is replacement-level. I shouldn’t need to tell you not to give thirty million dollars to replacement-level hockey players, but here we are.

Patrik Nemeth (2 years, $6M AAV with Detroit)

Detroit just decided to give two bad hockey players the exact same contract. nothing much to see here. moving on...

Gustav Nyquist (4 years, $5.5M AAV with Columbus)

this is actually a reasonable deal. good on the Blue Jackets for keeping the term shorter than it could’ve been and not overreacting to the departures of Bobrovsky, Duchene, and Panarin. that might sound like damning with faint praise (and that’s definitely what this is!), but that’s better than having to damn them with, uh, damnation? haven’t really thought of a suitable metaphor here. again, I’m tired.

Artemi Panarin (7 years, $11.642M AAV with NY Rangers)

I’m not sure the Rangers’ future competitive window aligns with his own window as an elite winger, but it’s hard for a team to pass on the opportunity to add someone as good as Panarin & it’s hard for a person to pass on the opportunity to become the second-highest-paid player in the National Hockey League. tough to blame the Rangers for signing this deal, even if it won’t look great in the final few years.

Richard Panik (4 years, $2.75M AAV with Washington)

stop me if you’ve heard this before: the price is right for a solid middle-six forward, but the term is questionable.

Joe Pavelski (3 years, $7M AAV with Dallas)

he’s still really good even at (almost) 35 years old, so the first year likely won’t be an issue, but signing anyone that old for that length of time is a big risk. if I had to guess, the Stars will probably end up trading him or buying him out after year two, but that’s a problem for later.

Corey Perry (1 year, $1.5M with Dallas)

I think he’s probably washed, but this signing’s still a decent bet

Andrej Sekera (1 year, $1.5M with Dallas)

not seeing the upside is here, but luckily, the downside isn’t intolerable

Wayne Simmonds (1 year, $5M with New Jersey)

if almost any other team had signed him to that deal, I’d have said it was mistake, but New Jersey has so much cap space to work with that it literally doesn’t matter. mostly, though, I kinda resent having to sit through the same “is Wayne Simmonds still good?” debate on TSN that happened just a few months ago at the trade deadline. (the correct answer is “no, he isn’t,” by the way.)

Mike Smith (1 year, $2M with Edmonton)

why are you doing this to poor Connor McDavid? what did he do to deserve it?

Anton Stralman (3 years, $5.5M AAV with Florida)

this would’ve been a great deal to give Anton Stralman five years ago, but now? woof.

Cam Talbot (1 year, $2.75M with Calgary)

maybe he’ll be alright this year. I have my doubts, but for one year? sure.

Brandon Tanev (6 years, $3.5M AAV with Pittsburgh)

not necessarily the worst signing of the day (though it’s definitely up there!), but it is the most purely confounding. whereas, with Bobrovsky and Myers, I can at least understand the thought process that went on (Florida needed a goalie; Vancouver likes that Myers is 6′8″ and won the Calder Trophy a decade ago), I cannot fathom why Pittsburgh did this. six years?! for an only-OK fourth liner who’s never had a significant amount of hype? who the hell did they think they were bidding against?

Semyon Varlamov (4 years, $5M AAV with NY Islanders)

look, any time you can throw a four-year deal at 31-year-old goalie who’s had a GSAA meaningfully above zero just once in the past four seasons, you’ve gotta do it

Colin Wilson (1 year, $2.6M with Colorado)

well, that checks out. seems fine to me.

Mats Zuccarello (5 years, $6M AAV with Minnesota)

reasonable salary, bad term. or at least, it would be bad if Minnesota weren’t going to be a completely irrelevant team over the lifetime of the deal. so, really, what’s the point?

[freelygrandwasteland-blog]

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[yahoo-roto-arcade-blog]

Good hit, sketchy pitch: Reviewing the Tout Wars mixer

Ryan Braun is still a building block (AP)

My other car is a Ferrari. That’s basically my story when Tout Wars comes up.

I’ve played in many industry leagues and had my share of success (yes, I know no one cares), but I’ve yet to take down a Tout Wars title. Just two seconds on the resume, and those were a while ago. It’s the white whale of my portfolio, the highest priority. There’s no money in Tout, of course (other than some side props), but the winner gets to name a sandwich at the next year’s party at Foley’s in NYC.

And I’m all about enjoying every sandwich.

The last three years in the Tout Mixer, I’ve finished 6th, 6th and 7th (out of 15 teams). It means I’m finishing ahead of the majority of competitors, but not getting a good swing at the title. We all know, there’s no trophy for finishing in the top half or so. This isn’t some 50-50 contest or double-up.

[Sign up for Yahoo Fantasy Baseball: Get in the game and join a league today]

Last year I probably screwed up a good chance at deep contention, securing a pretty good team at auction and then skidding off the road. I hit on Wil Myers and Kyle Hendricks, two pet sleepers, and also got Daniel Murphy for a scant $8. If all the Tout teams were forced to play with the draft-day rosters, I would have finished in first. Alas, I had a so-so year with FAABing and made a few dreadful deals, and with that I meandered down the standings. So it goes.

I’m a feel player at any auction. I don’t have a set strategy or a cutesy acronym I’m trying to establish. I have a rough idea of what a player’s range is, and in the early portion of an auction, I’m looking to buy players at or below cost (keeping in mind, if you’re going to pay market or even market-plus for anyone, make sure it’s a player you really want or really like).

Once the auction gets deeper, it’s more about playing poker. I keep close tabs on the financial personality of the auction — budgets, needs, max bids — and try to read what someone’s intentions are, especially on midgame and late bids. Do they really want the player? Are they trying to move the price up? Would they be screwed, for lack of a better term, if stuck with the current bid?

Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at reading a room, knowing when I can nudge someone along and knowing when to get out. I also want any auction room to feel I might back off a bid at any time, so I’m not easy to push around. I feel I’ve stuck opponents with bids far more often than I’ve been stuck myself. But again, until they’re eating my sandwich at Foley’s, none of this matters very much.

Two more things to consider as we look deeper into the 2017 Mixed Auction — a word about pace and context.

My buddy Jeff Erickson of Rotowire was the auctioneer, and he runs a very quick, tight auction. There’s no time to do research or much second-level thinking — you’re pressed for instant decisions at every turn. Although not every auction is run this way, this is how it should be, especially within the industry. But it also means that sometimes you wind up in the quicksand before you’ve had a second to consider the step you’re taking.

As with any auction, the prices are heavily dependent on when the players were nominated and how the room was calibrated at the time. Prices observed out of context don’t tell a fair, complete story. Tout also offers a rebate for players who encounter serious injury, which means some of the endgame players will be bought for budget-draining resources, just to maximize their possible reclaim value later. There’s no reason to leave money on the table, even table scraps.

A few loose strategies, subject to adjustment as needed, that I took into the draft:

— I wasn’t going to sweat stolen bases. They’re more scarce in today’s game, sure, but that means it’s easier to compete in the category. If I needed to fix my steals situation in the reserve draft, in free agency, or through trade, that’s not a concern. You can always find speed later; I don’t want to overpay for it with premium chips.

— I wanted a foundation of saves without paying for the elite guys. This just feels like the sweet spot to invest, most of the time. Saves will also enter the league every year, like steals will, but it feels like the newly-minted closers (or even the closing spec plays) are more contested than the rabbits are.

— My big-money purchases are likely to be hitters. Offense still feels more reliable to me, more floor offered, while pitchers have more risk involved. There also tends to be more divergence of opinion for pitchers after you get past the Top 30 or so — I think Mike Salfino has been saying that for years — and that usually means it’s easier to get your later-pitching targets than it is hitting targets. Consider Hendricks at $4 last year.

So what actually happened in this thing? How did we do?

I liked the final roster, didn’t love it. I quickly got my feet wet with a number of big-name bats (Machado, Lindor, Myers, Lucroy, Braun), and I’m fine with all of them. I also landed Zach Britton ($19) and Kelvin Herrera ($14) for reasonable prices, and I even added cheaper saves later. But the secondary and tertiary aces I was angling towards — names like Julio Teheran and Kenta Maeda — went for more money than I wanted, and I wound up being a pitcher or two short, talent-wise. (If I was the suspicious type, I’d say writing What’s In My Wallet mid-March winds up hurting me, opening my playbook too wide. But maybe it’s just coincidence; other people are allowed to like the good players I like.)

Time for the full roster. We use 5×5 scoring, with OBP subbed in for batting average. (Full results are here; make sure you click the Mix Auction tab at the top. You can also toggle to other Tout results, if you wish.)

Texas Two Step (AP)

— Catchers: Jonathan Lucroy $22, Sandy Leon $1

I thought Buster Posey might be back on my team last year, off a disappointing 2016, but he went for a full-on $28. Lucroy and Gary Sanchez ($21) essentially went for the same amount, and I’ll bet on the proven player every time in that instance. The Rangers also have a much deeper lineup than the Yankees do; does everyone realize New York finished 22nd in scoring last year? This is not a good team.

No one takes Leon’s season at face value, but he can give a lot back and still be worth a buck. If he can merely hold the job and get some part of the Fenway undertow, I’ll be happy. If not, I’ll be fishing in the FA pool.

— Corners: Wil Myers $25, Manny Machado $39, Adrian Gonzalez $8

Machado was my first purchase with the idea that he’s a good shortstop or third baseman, but he eventually fit into my roster at third. I don’t care if he runs again or not, he’s going to be a strong base in the other four categories. And heck, if he doesn’t run, maybe it keeps him healthy. I also like my top purchase being on someone who’s a high-pedigree player at a tender age (Machado turns 25 in July), in the hitter’s league and in a home-run park. All those boxes check here.

Myers has been hurt a few times, but is he more injury prone or accident prone? Does everyone realize Petco is no longer the Death Valley park it used to be? I’ll concede Myers has to carry some health risk, but I am not at all concerned about what he’ll do when he is healthy. And like most younger, healthy players, the bases are there if wanted. Myers wants to keep running, apparently.

No one likes Gonzalez this year, me included. But I’ll eat my hat if he’s not worth $8.

— Middles: Daniel Murphy $23, Francisco Lindor $26, Dustin Pedroia $11

Go where the runs are, right? Boston was the top offense last year (by runs), Cleveland fifth, Washington eighth (and I expect the Nats to run away with that division this year, and move up this list). For reasonable prices, I’ve landed key members of three very good offenses.

Pedroia turned out to be a roster construction mistake, however, because he was a later purchase — when the money would have fit my pitching staff better. Ultimately, a number of solid middle infield options went for less than $11 — and some just a couple of bucks. No knock on Pedroia, but I should have bought a cheaper MI and used the extra bucks on the mound.

— Outfield/Utility: Ryan Braun $30, Jackie Bradley $10, Kendrys Morales $6, Melky Cabrera $2, Michael Saunders $1, Kolten Wong $1

I can’t claim Braun is a giveaway at that price, but what’s not to like? He’s a proven and versatile performer who has shown a willingness — and a capability — of playing hurt. A rock-solid place to invest your money.

Bradley has pros and cons, but I’ll be happy to find out at $10. Morales only qualifies at DH in Tout — he’s first base and outfield in Yahoo — but I would have chased him up a few more bucks. He was excellent last year and now moves to a better backdrop. Cabrera is a boring Ibanez All-Star, Saunders the same thing.

Wong? I wish the Cardinals liked him as much as I do. I misjudged the strength of the $1 market at the time (when David Peralta later went for a buck, I wanted to throw up). I’d need an extra outfielder or two in the reserve draft.

Pretty good offense overall, right? Well, it came with a shoe to drop — one of the sketchiest pitching staffs in the room. I only spent $55 on those nine guys, and most of it ($35) went on three relievers. (I never shoot for a hitting/pitching ratio, by the way. I think that sort of aim winds up being too constricting in the actual proceedings. I realize some people play differently, and have had success as such. That’s fine, too.)

— Starting Pitching: Jameson Taillon $9, Matt Shoemaker $6, Ian Kennedy, $2, Junior Guerra $1, Jeremy Hellickson $1, Alex Cobb $1

Say whatever you want, but I love my pitching staff for what it should be — the second and third tier of a balanced diet. There are 1-2 pitchers missing at the top, though. It’s unlikely to expect that I’ll fill those types of slots through FAABing — talent like that is unlikely to emerge, after we take about 120 starting pitchers off the board.

I’ll fight for Taillon, Shoemaker and Kennedy all day — as your No. 3-5 arms. Tallion has the right park, defense, pedigree, pitching coach — and he was strong in his debut. Shoemaker became a different pitcher after he refined his splitter. Kennedy is a boring, stealth vet who can easily make me a profit here.

Guerra? I’ll blame Salfino if it fails. Hellickson? Lucky last year, but he’s in a good division. Cobb is worth a speculation play for a buck. I know this is my team weakness, but in a deeper mixed league, everyone will have an underbelly somewhere.

(I should also mention I nominated Mike Foltynewicz for a dollar, at a time when just one owner could trump in. And voila, Derek Van Riper said $2, much to my chagrin. Make sure Folty’s on your lottery-ticket list.)

— Relief Pitching: Zack Britton $19, Kelvin Herrera $14, Ryan Madson $2

Britton has as long a leash as any closer, and Herrera was one of the rare Wallet guys I was able to land. Madson has obvious fleas and plenty of competition, but even if he’s in the middle of a committee, it’s easy to earn a profit here.

— Bench: Kevin Pillar, Trevor Bauer, Mallex Smith, Seth Smith, Zack Wheeler, Raul Mondesi

By using Rotowire’s draft software, paying attention, and staying fresh, I always expect I’ll make solid reserve-round picks (and not pick anyone who’s already selected; that happens a few times every year). Last year I hit on Rajai Davis and Madson; the previous year, I clicked on Trevor Plouffe. Pillar, Mondesi and Mallex Smith address my stolen-base gap; Seth Smith is an on-base machine; and maybe Bauer and Wheeler will be useful starters, somewhere above the Stream Police.

My only goal at the auction is to build a team that looks like a reasonable contender, and I think I’ve accomplished that. I like my offense and love where I spent my big tickets; players who offer a combination of floor and upside. I don’t have a great speed team, but it won’t take much to go right for that to be fixed. The starting staff is undeniably weak; the closers, on paper, pretty strong.

For whatever projections mean to you, here’s what they say: Clay Davenport’s numbers have me in second, Rotowire’s have me in fifth (an eyelash out of third; I didn’t input the reserve players), and Baseball HQ’s have me in the bottom half. That’s enough validation for me. Projections fly out of mind and memory the moment a real pitch is thrown.