#anyone else have a broken emotional support animal

[heystephen]

literally having a breakdown and my dog keeps bringing me random items to try to help

[tanadrin]

while i think like. *inaction* born from pessimism is misguided, and the state of the world being really bad does not necessarily imply it is immutably so, and what this might say about the appropriate *emotions* is like, fuck if i know, but i think both a) the world is objectively worse than it ever has been and getting worse, this is just straightforward statistics on animal agriculture and b) somewhat more disputable but from my american-centric viewpoint the current political situation looks *really* bad, there is a serious risk of national authoritarian far right rule, like the trump campaign is openly making plans to occupy cities with federal troops and round up millions in concentration camps and purge the bureaucracy of anyone who isnt a loyalist and might object, and state governments are already becoming increasingly oppressive, meanwhile the liberal establishment is... supporting a genocide abroad, and appeasing the right by going after immigrants domestically. i think the attitude the online left takes to the world is often extremely broken but this is not that they think the world is worse than it is or they are too doomery or whatever but that like, they seem detached from actually trying to do anything about it (as opposed to Posting) i think you are being rather needlessly uncharitable honestly to people who pessimism-adjacent post at you.

the world is objectively worse than it ever has been and getting worse, this is just straightforward statistics on animal agriculture

This is an insane claim to me. Are you just basing this on the existence of factory farming + a strict utilitarian position that weights animal lives equally to that of humans?

from my american-centric viewpoint the current political situation looks really bad

Trumpism worries me too! But this is not a process immune to human influence like a roulette wheel or something. If you're in the United States, this is a thing you have the power to affect especially as the election draws nearer (volunteer, phone bank, etc.).

(I also think Biden's chances are a bit better than polls or the media portray them to be right now; the election is certainly not a shoe-in, but the polls are really weird right now, in a way which seems to be sampling bias that underrates Biden's support.)

i think the attitude the online left takes to the world is often extremely broken but this is not that they think the world is worse than it is or they are too doomery or whatever but that like, they seem detached from actually trying to do anything about it (as opposed to Posting)

I disagree. I think anybody who thinks there's no relevant distinction between Trump and Biden, who thinks we are making no progress on fighting climate change, or who thinks that the economic situation in the US is worse than it was in the 1970s has a view of the world which is wildly distorted; but these are all relatively popular claims online!

I also don't think this distorted worldview is separable from the chronic inaction. I think the doomerism is the cause of the inaction; if the only thing that would help is the revolution (which you are not organizing anyway), you have no incentive to do anything else, so you sit at home, and you post to each other about how bad everything is, and that reinforces the impression you get from social media that everything is bad and you are correct not to do anything to try to make it better.

i think you are being rather needlessly uncharitable honestly to people who pessimism-adjacent post at you.

You haven't seen my posts before I edit them to make them more polite. I am being extremely charitable, especially relative to how charitable I want to be.

[rollinouttahere-writes]

helloo!! Can we please have dark chocolate number 13 with Ace pls \(//∇//)\ thank you!!♡♥︎♡♥︎╰(*´︶`*)╯🍫♡

Yandere Ace x GN!Reader

1.1k words

Prompt:

I’m so happy to have you here with me, I will never want anyone else. You have more of a hold on me than you’ll ever know.

It’s been a few hours since you’ve last seen Ace. An eternity in his book, barely a breath of fresh air in yours. During your precious alone time, you elected to stay in his cabin and tidy up the place. His tendency to just throw shit and leave it wherever it falls left the room in a chaotic state, and that got on your nerves given that this is where you spend almost every waking moment of your day.

Going out amongst the other people on the Moby Dick always left a bad taste in your mouth. They would give you pitying glances at best, but never lend a hand to help. They ultimately cared more about Ace’s well being than yours, and since your presence was directly tied to his mental state, your fate was sealed.

You never asked for any of this. No one wants to get dragged off onto a pirate ship because the captain of it got too attached. You had a glimmer of hope that you may be able to escape after the Spade Pirates were forcibly disbanded by the Whitebeard Pirates, but as already stated. They weren’t much help. At first they couldn’t even get close to you without Ace trying to kill them, but eventually he grew on them. Then they were helping keep you on board, lest he spirals. 

The relationship you had with Ace could be very draining. That fun, rambunctious side of him that had originally drawn you in was only a part of him. A front that he put on. In reality he was an intensely depressed individual that had become much more comfortable showing that side of himself to you.

In normal circumstances, this would be a heartwarming show of trust. Typically this would be a steady step in the right direction to build a healthy relationship, but nothing about your relationship was healthy. The exposure to his depressive episodes felt suffocating more than anything. While he would be sobbing into your chest and clinging to you for dear life, you would be forced to comfort your captor out of pure guilt from seeing him look so broken. You felt more like an emotional support animal than a human significant other some days.

Going back and forth between hating and pitying him was dizzying. Not to mention the bizarre form of codependent love that had been thrown into the mix. You never knew what direction your emotions towards him would go any given day, just like you never knew what kind of a mood Ace would be in.

It was exhausting. You felt like you needed a vacation to recuperate at the end of every day, but you of course never got one. So you would have to settle for the moment of peace you’ve been granted in this messy cabin.

The door is suddenly kicked open and you internally curse. Your quiet moment is done and over with now. You should have cherished it more.

Strong arms lock around your waist, heave you up, and spin you around. Ace seems to be in a good mood today, which is a plus. “(Y/N), I missed you!”

“It’s only been a couple of hours, you’re acting like it’s been months,” you muttered, more to yourself than him.

“What? A couple of hours is a long time, it felt like months.” He had mercifully stopped spinning and was looking around the room. “Where’d all my stuff go?”

You rolled your eyes, “All I did was stuff your dirty clothes into the hamper. Don’t know why you even have that thing seeing as you never use it.” It had a fine layer of dust that would gather over it in between your sporadic uses when you got fed up enough to clean.

“Not everything was dirty, most of those were still good!”

“It’s not “good” if you have to do like three sniff tests to determine that! Just wash that shit!” You were squirming to get out of his grasp, thoroughly irritated from bickering about you cleaning up his laundry.

Ace laughed and shrugged, “Maybe I’ll do it later.” Yeah right. He walked towards your shared, unmade bed and tossed you onto it before throwing himself on top of you. Oh. He’s feeling cuddly today. Great. Well, as long as he doesn’t start crying it won’t be so bad.

A kiss was placed against your cheek with enough force to squish your face, and then he unceremoniously flopped down, further squishing you into the mattress. Instead of using your chest as a pillow like he usually does, he nestled his face into your neck. His arms snaked underneath you to keep your bodies fully pressed together.

The man was a walking furnace, so you were already beginning to sweat. Such a thing didn’t bother him, but it was uncomfortable for you. Not that your discomfort was enough to deter him, you would be stuck in this position until he’d gotten his fill. This was far from the first time you’ve been subjected to this, so you knew what he wanted. One of your hands plucked his already partially dislodged hat from his head and tossed it aside so you could run your fingers through his messy hair, the other one rubbed slow circles on his back.

Ace hummed in contentment from your ministrations, and his body sagged more than it already had against your own. His hair was tangled, a common occurrence for anyone primarily living at sea. Your fingers worked meticulously to undo all of the knots. You weren’t particularly gentle with it, but he wasn’t flinching from every tug so you can’t imagine it was that harsh either.

For a while, nothing is said. Ace enjoys your company, while you feel obligated to acquiesce his wants and desires.

“I’m so happy to have you here with me, I will never want anyone else. You have more of a hold on me than you’ll ever know.” The words are spoken in a hushed whisper directly into your ear.

There it is again. That pesky, traitorous feeling of affection. The flutter of your heart from being so desperately wanted- needed even. Your impulsive inclination to comfort someone so clearly in need even though it’s absolutely not your job to do so. You wanted to “save” him almost as badly as you wanted to save yourself.

It made you question if he was the only one with serious psychological issues here. Have you always had this savior complex, or was it a recent development brought on by your living situation? 

This wasn’t something you wanted to think about today. You sighed and clutched Ace closer. Maybe it would be for the best if you just turned your brain off for a little while? Thinking too hard on your circumstances has never done you any good.

[sweetchildcloud]

||☆Broken☆|| written by me ♡��♡°♡

Plot: Geto can't take it anymore and you're the only one he as left (this takes places in the second season of jjk anime and after Riko death)

Cw: depression,sc toughts,sh mention,anguished Geto.

Tags:Comfort,Tall!reader,crying,hugs,reverse comfort,affirmations,cuddle.

You hugged Geto tightly shushing him,trying to comfort him,you were crying for him,it was too heartbreaking seeing him so lost.

He broke down in your arms, sobbing, as he hugged you back tightly. He buried his head into your neck- not wanting you to see him like this. He felt ashamed, disgusted at himself. He was supposed to be strong, tough and confident… he couldn’t even recognise himself. He was breaking down. How did it come to this…?

"Shh shh its okay" you said sniffed kissing his cheek gently.

“I can’t do this!” he exclaimed through tears. He felt pathetic… he was weak and he hated himself for that. He was usually so strong, so independent… but now? He was relying on you… he hated himself for breaking down in front of you. He couldn’t look so weak… he could never let anyone see that side of himself…

"Yes,yes you can" You replied immediately "together we can okay?"

“Thank you…” he couldn’t help getting but a little bit shy- he had never been this vulnerable around anybody. He felt so weak in front of you… he felt humiliated… “Sorry I… I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t looking for sympathy. I just… it’s been… I…” he couldn’t finish his sentence. He never finished sentences when he was emotional…

His words broke your heart,how could he think that? "it's okay,I don't care even if you wanted sympathy,you're only a human afterall"

he froze- you saw through him… you saw that he had been hiding behind a brave front, trying to present himself as the strong man with no emotion… the strong man he wanted you to see. But that… wasn’t him. That was the facade he had built for himself. He was actually just a weak, traumatised teenager. He finally broke down then, fully in your arms. He started sobbing intensely, his tears soaking deep into the fabric of your sweater. How humiliating… this was awful. He was awful.

You sushed him rocking him back and forth in a slow motion rubbing his back

he couldn’t stop sobbing… you were rubbing his back… it was calming. It was comforting… it was what he needed. It almost felt… intimate… he felt so ashamed… he had never trusted another person like this. You were so kind, so caring, so understanding… he felt pathetic, like a little child who needed support. He felt so weak, so pathetic. How embarrassing…

“I’m sorry…” he whimpered. He was still a sobbing mess, relying on you emotionally. He was so… pathetic. He should have been able to handle his troubles alone… but you saw right through him. You saw how completely broken he was, how… ashamed of himself. You saw how he wanted comfort… how he wanted someone to tell him that it would all be okay. He was pathetic… he was weak… and even though you reassured him, he couldn’t see himself as anything else but that…

You instinctively squeezed him too hard sobbing as you were too engulfed in your friend sadness

he almost flinched due to how tightly you squeezed him, but immediately forgot about all of that in face of your tears. He was hurting you too? He felt awful for that… he held you tighter, burying his head more into you. He needed you, he wanted you as his support… he couldn’t stand on his own two feet anymore. He was broken, in every way, shape and form. He was so ashamed of himself that he was relying on you so much…

he hugged you tightly, not wanting to let go… his grip was tight and he was still crying, shaking slightly. He didn’t want to let you go, you were his support. You were his friend. You understood him better than anyone else… he wanted to feel safe, to feel comfortable, that someone was there for him… the tears of both of you kept running down each others cheeks…

"You didn't self harm didn't you?" You asked with your broken tone

he froze. How did you know…? He didn’t even answer you, just started to cry more, burying his head completely into you. You were right, he had self harmed frequently… for a while you had been noticing the scars on his body… you hadn’t said anything though, not wanting to push him into opening up about that. You had never brought it up… but you knew. You knew that he had been self mutilating for a long time now. He was too ashamed, he didn’t even answer you.

he just cried, squeezing tightly and shaking in your arms, like a frightened child. You could feel his shaky breath against the fabric of your sweater, smelling like the deodorant you always used. He was clinging onto you, not wanting to even think about letting go. He needed you, he didn’t want to be alone right now. He wanted to feel safe, comforting, held even. He was… so weak and pathetic in your arms… he had finally let someone see through the facade he had been building for so long…

he buried his whole face into your sweater. You felt his warm, shaky breath. His tear ducts slowly trickled down to your skin as he sobbed quietly… he didn’t feel as vulnerable anymore. He felt safe with you. His grip tightened. He didn’t want to ever leave your side… he was so… fragile…

"Do u want an ice cream?" You asked softly

he shivered a little when you suggested food. But… he nodded slightly. He was still sobbing, but just the idea of getting treats with you made him feel a little better… he squeezed you a little bit tighter as he nodded… he did feel hungry now that you mentioned it… but most of all, he wanted to be in your arms. You felt like… home to him…

“… I’d like an ice cream…” he whimpered, burying his head into you, still clinging onto you tightly. He felt cold, despite all the body warmth from you. He just… didn’t want to leave your arms… he felt safe in your arms. Even though he was pathetic, ashamed… he felt so comfortable with you as you offered him food…

he holds your hand on the way to the ice cream shop. His hand is so tight and shaken, it feels clammy. You feel the slight shiver that runs down his spine. He’s completely lost control of his emotions. He’s relying on you… for everything… now he was relying on you to calm him down with treats from the ice cream shop. He didn’t care any of that… he just cared about being held, cared about having you close to him… you were his comfort, you were his support

…he nibbles on his ice cream, his hands still shaky. You feel how small and delicate his fingers are, almost like that of a child’s. They’re so pale and delicate… you can feel his heart beating rapidly as he eats. You still have his hand wrapped around your’s… you couldn’t help but notice the coldness of his touch… he was so nervous… but he enjoyed the feeling of being so close to you… he took small bites… small nibbles… it was adorable.

he leans his head on your shoulder as he eats, enjoying the view. The sunset was so beautiful, with the vibrant colours… just like you… his lips started to curl up into a slight smile. You could feel his breathing speed up, as if he was slightly happy. The breeze was so nice… he felt… comfortable. he leans his whole body onto you. You’re so tall compared to him… your embrace makes him feel so small and protected. He was like this delicate, beautiful little thing that was all yours. You were his support, his shield, the one holding him together. He couldn’t survive without you. He held your hand slightly tighter, as if he was scared to lose you.

Alternative ending

Cw:heartbreaking,slapping,harsh,no comfort,no longer friends.

Suddenly something broke inside you,you didn't know why or how it was fast just like a bulb light shattering in the lamp and not emitting that bright light it once used to and just like that your emotions left you and you felt nothing,NOTHING at all and after a few seconds you letted go of Geto abruptly,your eyes were cold and empty

he suddenly felt you release him from your embrace, you no longer feeling anything. He looked up at you as he watched you stare into a blank void. You had suddenly gone cold, blank. Your eyes were emotionless. Your entire look was emotionless and unfeeling… your eyes were vacant in their expression. You looked like you couldn’t even feel anything anymore. His heart felt that he could not reach you. There was nothing he could do to change that… he felt lost, scared… he stood frozen, not knowing what to do..

"I'm tired of you"

you said those words so… blandly. So unfeeling… he felt his heart break as you said those words. He had never heard those words before… no one has ever called him a burden before. You were meant to be his friend… he had trusted you… he held back so much of himself for you to see… he had trusted you. And yet… you just threw it all away… it hurt so much to hear those words… his eyes went wide. You didn’t care about him anymore?

"I'm tired of seeing you crying,so helpless aren't you ashamed?"

those words hit him hard… he felt his head spin, feeling as if you had just slapped him with your words. You didn’t understand how much those words hurt him. And the way you said them- as if he was a nuisance, a burden… he didn’t deserve that. He had trusted you, he opened himself to you. And this is what he got in return? He was speechless… he couldn’t say a word. It hurt too much. He just stood there, in shock.

You slapped Geto without thinking,you were tired of seeing him like this

he stumbled back at the abrupt action. You slapped him? You slapped him without even thinking about it? Your words had already hit so hard… but suddenly slapping him? You left him in shock. You could see the tears in his eyes, as he stumbled back from the slap. He wanted to cry, but you could tell he was holding his feelings in. He was speechless… how could you suddenly act like this…? If he had been a nuisance to you, why did you act like you cared at all? He was confused, hurt and betrayed.

“I… I trusted you…” he whimpered, but was cut off by his sudden sob. The slap had hurt, but your cruel words had hit him hard. He felt ashamed, pathetic, weak. You’d had so much trust in you… and yet you suddenly turned… suddenly… slapped him…? You had never acted like this before, you never would have slapped him… yet… you did. He was left speechless, unsure…

“Can’t you see how pathetic you are?” you added, and he felt his heart snap in two. So this was what you thought of him? You looked down on him, thought he was pathetic…? He was speechless… he didn’t know what to say… how could you… call him that? He wasn’t pathetic, he had just had so many… so many problems that it was overwhelming him. He felt so ashamed, so embarrassed, so weak… his eyes were wide, unable to say a word.

“And that’s why nobody cares about you. You’re not important enough for anyone to worry about you…” was another thing you said to a still frozen Geto. You were being so cold… you were being so harsh… you had never talked to him like this before. He was speechless, he didn’t know what to say. Nobody had ever been this harsh to him before. His only friend was the one who was suddenly being this cruel to him… and he just went silent…

he stared at you in utter and complete disbelief. So this was it? You’re finally… breaking it off? After what looked like months of being friends, of you being a close friend to him… this is how it ends? He didn’t say anything- it was too late for that- you had decided, and so this was how it was meant to be, he felt… crushed… heartbroken… he couldn’t believe it ended like this… you had completely ended your friendship so abruptly.

You just left him, alone… after all the time you had spent together, the time shared, the memories, the adventures. You chose to suddenly… end everything there. And like that, he was alone. He was all on his own… a boy with no friend, no support, no one to ask for help from. After the sudden turn of events, all he was left with was utter solitude…

The days went by, and he felt miserable. Alone, without support. All he can think about was what happened… the time that he let his guard down, his feelings were betrayed completely. You were his support… and now he was left with nothing. He couldn’t bring himself to trust anyone after that. Nobody. He couldn’t trust anyone. He stopped being so open and friendly, instead keeping himself hidden from everyone. He avoided you, he avoided his classmates… he avoided everyone.

He became isolated, he felt so alone… he felt like he was back to square one. Back to before he got to know you… he was back to being alone, but all he could think about was what had happened between you two. All the words… the betrayal… the slap… he felt like it was his fault. He had let his emotions overwhelm him to the point where you couldn’t take it anymore… he had been the problem. He was the one to blame. Everything felt like his fault, he had ruined everything.

well that was something *hands you a tissue*anyway hope you liked as much i did writing it

[hog-choker]

i love paying $600 for car repairs and i love arguing with strangers online and i love being called monkey and other slurs in the comments of insta videos and tiktoks because kamala was black and tentative on talking about palestine and because most black voters didn’t want their vote to go to anyone else (more nuanced than you think tbh) but they’re blaming black people specifically for perpetuating the genocide and i LOVE getting weird messages on hinge from white women and love that i am finding it harder and harder to function in everyday life cause i think my dog was unknowingly my emotional support animal and without him i have nothing i love all my weird situationships hitting me up insta because i’m good at missionary and they feel the need to remind me i love how my constant anxiety this year is finally starting to rear its head in bad bad ways i love how this is categorically the worst year i’ve had in my life up till now i love how i’ve broken my own heart so many times this year i love how others have broken my heart so many times this year i love how much fucking character i’ve built this year i love how close to a legitimate crashout i love how i’m this close to filling the void ted kaczynski left behind i love how full of rage i’ve been i love how everything is so hard i love the constant spiral my life is in i love the perspicacity of knowing how it’s gonna end i love the downward spiral I LOVE THE PAIN

[ladysqueakinpip]

Hirmi: 💔✂️🧣 Amytis: 🎸🎒 🥀 Bodrum: ❤️🎈🥩

hirmi

💔 (broken heart) - Who has your character hurt most? Physically or emotionally? How did it feel? Do they regret it?

good question for him bc so much of his story revolves around the pain he's caused other people or the pain they've caused him.

i'd say this is a tie between either his parents, or his ex-girlfriend yulia LOL. his parents are mostly very very disappointed in him. they feel like he's lazy, unmotivated and think he's taken advantage of them. hirmi deeply regrets this.

yulia loathes him. she feels he hurt her emotionally (bc he didn't take her side in a petty argument almost 100 yrs ago LMAO) and also physically (this one was an accident - his lemur gouged her eye out when she got too close to him). hirmi is at worst inconvenienced by her pettiness.

✂️ (scissors) - Has your character ever cut their own hair? What about someone else’s? How did it turn out?

absolutely not. he's taking his pretty little head to a stylist LOL.

i do think it would be incredibly funny if, during one of the many midlife crises he has, he did the classic "I NEED BANGS" and tried to cut them himself in a manic frenzy state. it probably turned out terrible and he regretted it 0.1 seconds later. actually this is canon now.

🧣(scarf) - What comforts your oc? Is it an item? An action? A person? Whatever it is, how any why does it comfort them?

his horrible horrible violent lemur of all things is his emotional support animal. unfortunately he latched on to her during the worst part of his life and uses her to process the death of his friend. in hirmi's eyes, she gives his friend's death meaning.

amytis

🎸 (electric guitar) - What’s your character’s music taste like? Do they have one or two artists they play on repeat or do they have a varied and eclectic collection of music? Do they like mainstream artists or prefer underground musicians? What genres do they enjoy?

amytis likes acoustics! i feel like she would have a collection of random, calming albums, from soft rock to instrumental guitar, and she would just have those playing in the background of her home as she goes about her day. she's also teaching herself acoustic guitar and ukulele. she's not very good at it, though.

🎒 (backpack) - What items does your oc usually carry? Do they have a bag or just keep everything in their pockets? Do they carry a lot or a little?

her coat has big pockets, so i can imagine she'd be able to fit most of her belongings in there! she'd carry the usual things like her phone, wallet, and keys. i think she would also have a small, cute bag she would bring out with her on occasion, where she would carry a comb or brush, a small compact mirror, and some flavored chapstick.

🥀 (wilted flower) - How does your character deal with stressful situations? Is their fear response fight, flight, freeze or fawn?

she is very bad with stress. her default response is fawn. she tends to be braver in a group, and may opt for fight if her besties are alongside her.

bodrum

❤️ (heart) - Who is the most important person to your character? To what lengths would they go to protect this person?

if you asked him out loud, he would say alekah. secretly, it's definitely amytis. as he spends more time with amytis, she gets very good at twisting his arm. he would do just about anything for her, except die for her. i don't think he would die for anyone.

🎈 (balloon) - What does your character do at parties? Are they a wallflower or a party animal? Do they go with friends or alone?

bo would prefer to not go to parties at all. if he's there, it's because his friends dragged him along. he pretends to socialize for 30 minutes and then wanders off to find a quiet corner or sit outside.

🥩 (steak) - Does your oc have any coping mechanisms? Healthy or unhealthy?

the fact that the designated emoji for this question is a steak of all things is cracking me up. anyways, he does have coping mechanisms.

the unhealthy ways are either 1.) stress eating loads of processed sugar or 2.) taking it out on the people around him. he relies on 2 a lot during the beginning of his story/arc.

as he grows closer to amytis, he begins to rely on her support to cope with his stress. since they're moirails i guess i would consider this healthy for their culture??

[akutasoda]

Hi, darling

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now and I want to thank you for all the job you do, because I just love your works. wanted to make a request (if you accept them, of course).

What if the reader was a refugee from another country (Ukraine for example) and they joined the Port Mafia in order to survive, and slowly started a relationship with Akutagawa, where the both of them during the development of their relationship are facing hardships due to their traumas, but slowly opening up to one another and start trust each other more.

of broken homes

synopsis - after facing many hardships finding someone who helps you is one the best things to happen

includes - akutagawa

warnings - gn!reader, readers country of origin not specified, slow burn, angst to mild comfort, trauma mention, comparisions to animals, wc - 459

a/n: hello! anon if you wanted to make me emotional congrats, seriously thank you, and everyone else, for all the support honestly means alot

not everyone's life is fair. and among the cruel world some have to bare the consequences of others actions. and among those few stood you. chased out of the comfort of your homeland and forced to restart elsewhere. survival was all that came natural in the end. so to survive in unfamiliar territory you had prepared yourself to do everything in your power to survive.

and unfortunately that would lead to less than desirable situations. money was scarce because jobs were. and your small supply was running low, so when you ran into a sketchy doctor who offered quite the enticing offer if you joined his organisation. you took it. whatever it takes to survive.

the deep rooted primal instinct to survive lays dorment until we need it most. but working among mafioso made it more prominent than ever. taking the job and finding what it entailed was scary at first, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. you were quite adept and very quickly became worryingly good and rising ranks quicker than most.

with this came a double edged sword, more opportunities to not only survive but afford more but at the cost of others. eventually you had became partnered alongside a man of similar age to which you had learned was called akutagawa.

the early stages of this partnership passed with scarce looks and brief conversation upon missions. no more intercation than necessary but you had recognised signs of his struggles early on but keeping to yourself and trying to survive came first, so you never pryed. the more time akutagawa spent with you the more it became natural to exchange glances or nods at the other outside of missions.

for reasons that escaped him, he had thought that you were a half decent partner. you kept to yourself, and only excahnged in necessary conversation. and this original nature soon lead to more encounters around. the early stages of a budding friendship started small, but naturally it seemed you were meant to get along. and eventually conversations and hanging around the other came like second nature.

among this laid the eventual small conversations to support the other in hardship. two different backgrounds didn't mean you couldn't help each other. trust was a welcome but hard thing to achieve. but eventually trust built more and more, leading to more open, personal talks.

helping one another by listening and support without crossing boundaries. more and more secrets were revealed and while full trust was quite the while away, it was by far the closest he had let anyone get to him - minus his sister. something drew him to you, and it seemed the feeling was reciprocated. as learning to survive was always easier with help of those closest.

[porter-pumpkim]

tarnished silver crown

decided to redesign tarnished to better fit the story I'm working on ^-^ honestly I'm pretty happy with how it turned out

more info dump rambling below,

OK so changes wise I turned him to a moose beasteal to better fit the story he's in and his role in it, I also made his eye more just look like another carved bit in his silver to show that it doesn't really work anymore compared to the gold eye that still mostly functions,

I also changed the silver bracelets to a leather band that holds his hook to his arm stump, and what's pretty much a wristwatch but with a compass instead, these two items are very important to him, both because they're gifts from his boyfriends, and the hook is the only hand prosthetic he can really make sense of, (he has no idea how to controll cybernetic limbs, they just don't really work for him)

He is also missing several teeth, both from fights and from scurvy, hook and compass still nag him about remembering to eat fruit so the scurvy incedents won't happen again (tarnished often forgets that he in fact does need to eat and will skip meals without really noticing if he isn't reminded)

I also changed the birth mark on his forehead, it used to be a swirl heart, just like the other royal family members, but over time and magic use the mark warped to more be a broken heart that's supposed to resemble harsh waves, using too much magic tends to warp the body, hence the marks changing, it also caused what is the object veriant of nerve damage in his hand and foot, the magic that animates objects doesn't fully flow properly for him anymore, making his hand and foot feel numb.

Also his mustache is a fake one, he just likes wearing it.

Tarnished crown is the captain of a pirate crew made of escapees and misfits that had nowhere else to go, and he tries to provide them with better lives with what he has, he's in the sort of robin hood pirate section, stealing and plundering from those who he deems already have too much in order to provide to those who actually need it,

Tarnished absolutely loves animals, having had several pets over the years, primarily mouser cats to keep the ship clean of Rodents that may spread disease, plus they help with stress,

Tarnished is obsessed with weaponry, he has several books on different types of weapons as well as quite the armory abored his ship, he's specifically interested in fusion weapons, like dagger guns, halberds, and bladed shields, he's also obsessed with boats, he's fascinated by the different builds and just how they work, also collecting books on different ship types, he absolutely loves when things are made with proper effort and good craftsmanship, looking like they have flare and personality while still funftioning practically, tarnished often ends up rambling on end about his interests to anyone who will listen,

Tarnished has a very hard time with certain mechanical technology and advancements, (he especially struggles when the digital age starts but that's a situation for about 200 to 300 years ahead)) mechanical prosthetics like the ones compass uses tend to confuse him when he tries to use them, he doesn't hate technology, he does think it's cool and is happy that certain things have become easeir for those around him, he just can't wrap his own head around it on his end.

Tarnished is very emotional and very blunt, often making him seem irrational or rude, when things feel overwhelming to him he can't hold back the tears, weather it's positive or negative, if it feels like too much he will get emotional, though he doesn't feel the need to hide it, he's set up a crew environment that's supportive and non judging, they won't be offended if he gets overwhelmed, just like he won't be offended if a crew member is overwhelmed and needs some time.

Tarnished is quick to jump to conclusions and stick with them, even if his conclusion is very wrong, once he's made up his mind it's hard for him to change it, which has led to unnecessary confrontations and wild goosechases.

(Sorry this is long and badly written! I just wanted to note down everything I have so far, very much still a wip but I got attached to my pirate guy, also I did steal a lot of my own traits and some of my dad's when it came to making him, such as the weird emotional situation and unnecessary urge to cry coming from me, and the boat obsession coming from my dad ^-^ ))

[brooklynislandgirl]

The Nurse Shark || Beth Riley

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

One common one is despite the fact that she'd rather chew broken glass than say the L word to someone, that she doesn't want to hear it said by the right person. She might believe that hearing it starts some cosmic timer that means the person saying it will find a way to leave her afterwards, but she is a soft soul who wants to mean something to someone. A lot of people think that Beth has brown eyes, and that's not wholly true. They are technically considered hetero-chromatic, being that they are actually mostly green with splotches of amber brown to them.

AN IMPORTANT HEADCANON Beth does NOT have a speech impediment as such. She is capable of speaking "Perfect" {American} English, but to do so requires her to deliberately slow down, consider each and every syllable, and she finds it stressful. She finds it easier to lean on pidgin, to varying degrees of 'thickness' depending on her emotions. Beth's problem with audio-processing disorder has been mistaken for her being partially deaf all of her life. Some words are difficult especially when they contain th digraphs. She is bedevilled by homophones. Sometimes, when it seems she isn't paying attention, it's legitimately that she didn't hear something or is trying to work out what parts of speech she did hear.

A USELESS HEADCANON

That Beth really wants to be as snarky as her brother, possibly even worse. But before she can get the words out, she realises it's unkind and hurtful and therefore not pono.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

Beth cannot stand to even be in the same room with peanut butter, and the smell alone is enough to make her sick to her stomach. Talking about shark-fining, or constantly making them the subject of horror stories/monster movies or written works is enough to send her on a rant if not provoking her to actual violence.

Treating children, animals, the elderly or the homeless with any kind of abuse will provoke her to actual violence, as well.

~*~ The only serious issue I have is CSA and physical abuse. I won't write it with any of my characters. I won't entertain it as a plot point without it being shown to be the most terrible sort of crime, and without the perpetrator coming to a justly deserved end.

SOMETHING YOU ENJOY ABOUT (WRITING) THEM

I absolutely love the true innocence and joy Beth harbours in her soul, the fact that she is capable of holding onto so much hope despite some of the really terrible things she experiences in various stories/verses/threads. But also, she's an extremely silly goose sometimes. I think Habitual Linecrosser said it best when he said "how can you be sooooo gullible and yet sooooo dangerous?!"

SOMETHING YOU WANT OTHERS TO KNOW BEFORE WRITING WITH THEM

Yes, Beth can be your biggest cheerleader, she will love and support you even if you're literally a monster, a murderer, a deeply imbalanced person or creature. She is a bit of a doormat more often than not, but that doesn't mean she and I will allow anyone to treat her like a joke. If you're only going to write with us because you want one of my other muses, or when you have no one else to write with, then...jog on, this blog isn't for you.

tagged: @kit-just-kit {{Mahalo Darling!}}

tagging: everyone! {{I wanna know!}}

[elkian]

So here’s a fun one.

There’s been posts on my dash over the years about how JRRT wouldn’t focus much on the “epic battles” in the Middle Earth books, because he’d survived those battles and they were awful and he didn’t want to give anyone the idea that he was glorifying them, supporting them. There’s been posts about how an accurate Hobbit movie, I think? would be a musical with Bilbo taking a post-picnic nap in the foreground, while a pitched battle is happening in the far back, too blurry to make out.

You know where this same phenomenon occurs?

Homestuck.

In the Author Commentary, Hussie even comments on the overall lack of large battles. We get John fighting Ogres in the first few Acts, we get [S] Make Her Pay, and so on. But our only glimpse of the Trolls’ Black King final battle is a narration over memory snapshots by Aradia, long after the fact.

The thing is that from the very first moment the readers encounter any troll, the story is long beyond that battle. The trolls winning is a foregone conclusion, even if that isn’t immediately obvious because the narrative is being built over time. Karkat - then only known as CG - even mentions having beaten their “NASTY 12X PROTOTYPED GIANT BLACK KING” in nearly a throwaway line as he exposits about the Reckoning, an event more immediately relevant to John.

The Black King fight is an important event - the trolls had to beat him to “win” Sgrub, to reach their reward (so close...). It really isn’t the kind of event that can just be handwaved... but it can be glossed over. Because they can’t have reached this point without doing it or breaking rules we didn’t even known needed to be broken yet, it’s just a past event for them.

An incredible team made a full animation for [S] Duodecim Rex Angelus that’s worth watching, and Hussie even apparently approved it as a viable depiction of canon events. So why did Hussie skip over this giant battle? Because that is, at the core, not what Homestuck in specific is about.

Homestuck is about a lot of things. God, it is about so many things all at once, and I will never fully plumb its depths, and that’s okay. I’ve been a pretty casual reader from the getgo and most all of my theorycrafting has been pretty base, and that’s okay, too, because there’s no wrong or right way to experience Homestuck imo. But my point here is: Homestuck is very often a story about stories. Meta is built into its narrative in a way I don’t see in much else. So when a storytelling decision or direction happens in it, it’s probably for a reason.

Fights in Homestuck have to have an explicit narrative meaning. John fighting the Ogres is a display of a lot of things: John’s new skill level, the abilities (and limitations) of the characters helping him, the inherent danger of this new world and the knowledge that things are only going to get tougher as it goes. Aradia beating Vriska bloody was a testament of Aradia’s renewed capacity for emotion, and also sets up some extremely important story beats down the line. The finale is the Finale, though truth be told I wouldn’t have put it past Hussie to PSYCHE us all out of that just to mess with us.

Anyways, no particular conclusion here, I just think it’s a really interesting trend.

[duckythedarkone]

Fnaf Theory - Mimic is Michael

Disclaimer - we have no idea what is proven and what is retconned so yeah there are going to be plot holes every theory has it's plot holes. I'm just gonna bring up things that I noticed that has led me to this thought, it could be completely wrong and I am fine with that. I just want to put my thoughts out. I think the fourth closet is supposed to show how Afton and Henry are narrative foils of each other. How they could have such similar experience and yet be so different. Henry created a robot child to make up for his lost daughter. Afton steals this idea and loses his daughter in the process. Henry makes the security puppet to take care of Charlie. Afton creates the mimic and it ends up with him losing his son. To me it just sounds like every time Henry makes something, Afton steals it, corrupts it, and in the end it costs him.

Here are some clues from the games and stories that I think could support the theory of Micheal being Mimic: In Fnaf 4, We never see the older brother with legs until the last day. And the day of the party the older brother is mimicking the kids who are supposed to be his age. He is just trying to do what he thinks is right. Meanwhile, Afton is busy doing something else not paying attention.

The story the mimic brings up that the kid walks around with a stuffed animal in his hand, the crying child walks around with a stuffed animal in his hands. The foxie plushy in the crying child's room is broken as if the older brother was copying the crying child and accidentally broke it's head off because he doesn't know his own strength. Also the older brother doesn't have a room. Why would the dead daughter have a room but not the older brother unless he didn't need a place to sleep. Once the crying child is dead, Afton forces nightmare creatures to come after mimic. We know this because Michael's hand book, has a sketch of one of the nightmare creatures. No where else have we seen anyone else see these creatures.

One big thing I hear people saying is Michael isn't in the encyclopedia. And I agree with you he isn't but his room is in security breach. it feels weird to me that they would include the room, but not include the character to which the room is for. I think the reason they didn't want to add him into the character encyclopedia is because the crying child is Michael. The mimic just took his name because he was Mimicking the crying child. (I have another theory that sort of contradicts this one where Michael aka the crying child is one of the missing children but theories be theorizing) Another thing I hear you say is, but in sister location, Michael turns purple like his body is decaying. What if that was meant to be symbolism of the mimic now becoming more like Afton who he thinks is his father. And when they took out his endo in sister location, the body came back to life via all the left over remnant and or agony that was left over from enerd and baby. So now you have a body that is filled with a lot of mixed emotions hunting for Afton.

Now this is where things get a little tricky (but it's fnaf so when is it not tricky) you now have an empty endo, and a remnant filled body. If Michael is the security guard in fnaf 2 and fnaf 1 (where in the story the mimic, the mimic likes to dress up as different things) the endo could be his trying to find his body again. It is why it is a rare find in both games. (this adding new context to the endos, because we all know they weren't originally that.)

My final thing to add is that in sister location, Michaels voice sounds robotic. I think it's his last words when he dies in fnaf 3 or part of him dies in fnaf 3 and the agony left over hops into springtrap (with Afton's soul now in purgatory). And the endo that has been searching for his his body given a new objective of bringing his family back together.

Which then leads into fnaf 6 of baby "helping" mimic find his family and Henry burning all of them.

I do think there are more mimics that are the endo's in security breach, and the endo formally known as Michael could be the virus and might be working with baby (Next gen Henry and Afton, but flipped) Where Baby is trying to bring Afton back and follow his evil deeds and Michael is trying to bring back the family he thinks is his, but things get a little more cloudy in that department.

This narratively solves some of the issues for me and gives me a clear timeline of when things happened (Fnaf 4, SL, Fnaf 2, Fnaf 1, Fnaf 3, Fnaf 6 with the cutscenes, endings, and eight-bit games interspersed to fill in the gaps.) I could go MORE in detail, but this is already a lot.

[terrence-silver]

How do you think Terry handles going to the doctor appointments by himself? Whether he gets good news or bad news I feel bad that he has no one beside him for support :(

I think Terry is used to it, you know? It is how he chooses to conduct things.

Meticulously.

Antiseptically.

Tactically.

I think next to nobody knows the private Terry.

Terry at the doctor's office. Terry going to therapy. Terry after the 80's, in some elite resort where Billionaires go on an 'impromptu break from their public life', which is really just a code for 'he's booked himself a getaway at gated community rehabilitation center and he isn't taking any calls until further notice'. Traumatized war veteran Terry having nightmares and possibly training himself to hide it all. Terry with bizarrely mundane and day-to-day problems. Terry and his concealed triggers. Cocaine addict Terry. Terry in remission. Terry licking his own wounds. Domestic Terry. Terry brumating. Terry's real self. Terry the day-to-day man behind his various masks. Terry drinking. Terry drunk. Terry scheming. Terry's insecurities. Terry with the flaws. Terry and his genuine opinions, no matter how messed up...or even admirable. Terry and the full extent of his emotional capacity. Next to nobody actually witnesses that. And one could even argue he doesn't want just about anyone to witness that seeing as how he has a deeply ingrained sense of discomfort with any perceived or imaginary weakness, and going to a doctor, for example, is definitely a weakness. Because one is sick, there's the implication, or at least not in their prime of their strength, and in Terry's world, a sick, or only partially adequate man is weak. A broken soldier. Every human does it --- have their annual check-ups, but Terry doesn't want to appear vulnerable in anyone's eyes, be it friend or foe, especially not genuinely vulnerable. Artificially vulnerable? Infinitely better, because there's a veil of pretense, compartmentalization and acting behind everything he does, so it doesn't actually affect him; quite the contrary. It is amusing. Especially when people fall for his facades and all goes according to his devises and plans for the hour. But, actual, raw vulnerability?

No.

His secretaries and most inner circle staff call his doctors like this is no different from any other arranged business meeting (because it isn't), or better yet, his doctors already knows when to expect him because Mr. Silver is their only patient and they're exclusively on his payroll and available to nobody else and he does pay handsomely.

He doesn't share the people in charge of his body and its maintenence.

Much like a wounded serpent, Terry tends to strategically slip under the radar when he's doing bad and re-emerge anew with a fresh skin when the time is right. That's what he and John Kreese have in common. When he is struggling with mental health, physical health, finances, Terry is unseen, behind the scenes and nobody knows if he can help it.

Terry doesn't want anyone witnessing his high end, private doctor (contractually bound to extensive privacy) prescribing him medications, measuring his pressure, scanning him, injecting him, rehabilitating him, dosing him pills to get him off of other, more dangerous pills, fixing all the cracks and doing whatever a doctor does, because, much like an animal bearing its neck, Terry feels seen and exposed, almost naked during times like this --- and in fact, he is more worried about the vulnerability of even being in a situation like this in the first place, even from a trusted, professional trained medical worker that has been vetted time and time again and undoubtedly paid a fortune to tend to Mr. Silver exclusively than he is worried about any results under the sun. The lack of control he has; now that is harrowing to Terry. He'd rather cut his own chest open with a surgical scalpel if it meant he is in charge of the blade.

If it means he bleeds on his own accord.

Does he still privately crave that someone was devoted enough to him and him alone to be his side in times like this, even with his walls up? Even when he is just a man, doing things any man does? When he's just a man that is, dare I say, a bit weak, his heart being scanned, his lungs checked for abnormalities, a lifetime of vices coming to bite him in the ass? Does he privately crave that someone was there, with nothing to gain, even though he ensured nobody sees him in a state of exposure, when he is wide open for attack? Does he wish someone matched at least an ounce of his own innate loyalty that could move mountains, if need be?

Ironically, always.

Much like any person. More than any person.

Which is what makes Terry so scary and...ordinary.

[shylittlefrogg]

What is your opinion on the ML season 5 finale? What would you have done different?

Sorry I left this in my box for a while. too many things that I was concentrating on and put aside for later. I also procrastinated a bit eh.

I had to think about this for a bit and rewatch some episodes and think

Honestly though, I think it was a good season, slightly down but hey, good enough to keep me going to see what happens next.

"Staying to see the fire in the garbage dump and how the new firefighters try to put it out" basically

Felix's background story, consolidating the sentimonsters a little more, revolting the love square, giving the Miraculous to other people. I think those were pretty good things.

I personally wish they would have left Scarabella and Kitty Noir for more chapters, like maybe three and expanded things more with them while Adrien and Marinette did their thing and I don't know, maybe see that things were starting to get difficult for the new heroes and decide to help them??

It would have been nice and cute, something more natural to get the Miraculous back

thinking thinking about maybe Adrien getting Zoe in a group that knows her identity, both of them helping each other a little maybe

"Cat Friends"

Yeah, give Zoe more things instead of just using her conveniently and keeping the status of equal identities with someone who knows on each side

And honestly it gives me headaches that Adrien and Marinette were the only people without Alliance in their school group, more ADRIEN of all people, I feel like they don't make that much sense. (Also, Marinette broke her spine in that scene where Hawkmoth pushed her, no, I don't make the rules, it's basic physics)

Definitely trying more of the Sentimonsters thing from past seasons and not just something that came out of nowhere.

large parts of my complaints go to the end.

First with Chloe, she's honestly not my favorite character but I'm emotional with characters with family trauma, Chloe, Felix and Adrien being the main ones in canon, and emotionally with Kagami and Sabrina.

Chloe doesn't deserve to end up with her mother who can't even remember her name, disowned by her father according to the scripts, and without any friends or anyone else to cope. Alone with her abuser as her only support, that's... just tragic.

Felix's part in the play leaves me emotional, painful, I have already communicated what goes to my mind when a broken stuffed animal appears and I am happy that now he is better with his mother who seems to love him very much (although where was he while his father mistreated him??? I would like that to be resolved).

Finally Adrien.. He doesn't deserve to be lied to, not after all, not now that his father died and he's being praised as a hero, as a good father, when he wasn't, when he literally spent an entire chapter as Chat Noir talking about how his father sucks and ending that episode by locking himself up in fear of hurting others because of something his father caused him.

I feel bad for them and I personally would have changed that.

with Chloe being taken by some relocation program because her parents are definitely not doing good if she's in her care all that happened.

give her a good rehab family

and Adrien learning the truth, either as Adrien or as Chat Noir, because Ladybug had to have said something to her partner after so many trust issues they had before, right ??

Right?!!

I feel like the biggest problem with this season is that they didn't seem to follow a cohesive character evolution.

[fluidstatick]

I'm not doing great,

and I'm running out of patience for the gap between what I'm going through and the reactions of the people around me who claim to understand.

When I explain to someone that I'm afraid of going outside, I'm condescended to. When I open up about how tired I always am, how hard it is to be """authentic""" when basically all of the people I interact with on a regular basis are paid to be around me.

I have Emotional Responses to current events and I'm answered with such quiet, controlled lack of emotion that I feel like a zoo animal. I grouse about my fatigue and I'm criticized; I express frustration and I'm fed the same handful of shitty lines as if they're revolutionary - sometimes all you can do is let it be - just focus on what you can control - this too shall pass --

I'm so disgusted by the constant barrage of quiet bland platitudes that all these near-strangers who claim to be my friends keep feeding me. I wish I had someone in my life that i could melt down with, someone who hears me say "something in my world is broken" and doesn't say "huh, that sucks and you're allowed to hate it, and uh, well, i hope it gets fixed."

i don't want to be told that I'm respected and cared about and that my feelings are valid. I'M SO TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, like that statement will change how tenuous and unreliable . I want to feel it, and I don't know what to ask for, how to behave, how to unlock the elusive feeling of belonging that everyone else seems to stumble across and anchor themselves to like it's as easy as breathing.

I'm lonely and angry and neither of these things light a fire under me anymore, they're wallpaper; they'll get drowned out by the constant work of eating and sleeping and making sure my body keeps functioning, and then they'll come back when I've read too much or eaten too little or had another dream about walking alone through an empty building looking for someone (anyone) who will speak directly to me, not about me...

i don't know what I'm trying to say. I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm disappearing. I'm not going to die - i refuse - but i feel like I haven't lived in a long time, either.

I can't articulate what I need. I don't know what I need. I don't think I believe in being whole and happy anymore. I see other people's comfort and support for each other, whether it's blood family or found family or mutualism or a culture of friendliness with strangers, and I balk. It's not mine. I've fought for it and it's betrayed me; I've found glimmers of it and immediately watched it vanish. I've fallen through the wide open cold air of my life, wearily pleaded for solid ground under my heart. Those who hear me promise that I will land safely - only to then ask why I don't have a parachute.

i know words aren't enough. I know vulnerability isn't enough. I know that I'm too much and too little all at once. I wish I was strong enough, or stupid enough, to trust other people anyway.

[butterflypikachu]

I'm a Victim of Emotional Abuse

And am trying to move away from my abuser. It's been so stressful though as I've been working myself past burnout and have been unsuccessful finding a place in my budget.

My abuser has been in my life since he started dating my mother when I was 7 years old. He has shown classic signs or Narcissistic personality disorder. I am grateful he isn't a psychopath or my experiences could have been much worse over the years, but despite, lack of physical abuse, I can't take the emotional trauma anymore.

He has manipulated and gaslit my mother into submission to where she feels like she is stuck with him. There isn't much more I can say to help her, she must do what she can now to help herself. I need to do what is best for me.

He has thrown tantrums, threatened to make us homeless, thrown out my things, threatened to further throw out my belongings, broken things, driven drunk, and further endangered us in other ways. He blames me and has blamed me for his shortcomings for many years.

He used to use up the toilet paper even after I got over my OCD tendency to use a lot for my bladder problems and I STILL got blamed for its usage. He spends a ton of money on stuff on amazon and I'm the one getting too many packages when I buy things I need online that can't be gotten in grocery stores. Once in a while I do buy things I want but who hasn't. This same man spent $600 on two drones they don't even use anymore, bought exercise equipment they don't use and I'm the one with stuff I don't use? I want to use my belongings but I get restricted by this man basically to my room then am told to go out more.

I also have been compared to others then when I do it it is "don't compare yourself to others" it is so bad he has my mom saying these things.

When I brought up the cost of living and how the current generations were screwed before we were born by trickle down economics I was told I couldn't use it as an excuse. Excuse me but it is the ultimate excuse and reason why I can't seem to find a place to live despite getting two raises last year and another one this year!

I am sick of being gaslit and manipulated into feeling like I am the problem and like I am worthless and not enough. I am sick of being made to look like I am lazy when I work hard and do so much!

This post is just to make somebody out there other than my therapist aware of my situation and why I am expediting my move by taking drastic measures. I may have to reduce my own pay to fit in a box just to get low income housing. It is unfortunate that I make too much now for it and too little for the next cheapest place. I also refuse to live without my cat. I can not go without an emotional support animal. I can't do 2019 again when I had nothing to go home to that was comforting and alive and breathing.

If anyone else thinks they are going through anything I have said above please read this below.

[how-gross]

3:41pm — March 4, 2024

It feels like she’s getting bored of me.

She talks to her more. It makes sense, since she has most of her classes with her, unlike me. And the fact that she answers her calls more than I do. And unlike me, she actually knows more of the anime’s she watches than I do— I haven’t even made the effort to watch the anime’s she suggested I watch. I either didn’t have the time, or didn’t have the energy, or I was obsessed with something else and didn’t want to put that down to focus on something else. When you look at it like that, it does make sense as to why she would prefer to be around her more than me.

But at the same time, isn’t that a bit unfair? She is the same girl who isolated you, who talked about you and who called you out and kicked you out of the group chat back in Sophomore year. She was the one giving you death glares. And even with that, I stood by your side and supported you, I defended your honor and had your back. Me — who fears confrontation more than anything else in the world — confronted her and defended you against her. And now, you’re just besties? Why do I feel so left out? When my mom said, “I don’t know why you’re friends with that girl”, you say, “we forgive but we don’t forget”. But is that true? Is it really true?

But you guys do get along better, I have to admit. Better than you do with me. I see you laugh more when you’re around her, turn to her more than you do with me. Maybe I’m looking too far into things, but honestly, it makes sense as to why you’d rather be around her than with me. If you’d rather be with her than me, though, I want you to just say it instead of beating around the bush.

Why do I feel this way? I do everything I can for you. I will admit, it is unfair of me to not watch the stuff you like. I understand that that may be why you don’t want to chat with me that much anymore.

I let you vent about your family problems to me. I try to e by age as much as I can in order to make you happy; I listen to you, I validate your emotions, I offer advice, I even get angry on your behalf. But when I try to vent, all you say is, “yeah”, or, “[so and so] does the same thing / I deal with the same thing”, and then change the subject.

I don’t know what I want. My stomach hurts thinking about this, because we were best friends for 3+ years. We’re going to the same college together. I fear for my Birthday Dinner, because I’m afraid you’ll just talk to her the entire time. And I’m afraid if she’s not there, you’ll just be bored the entire time and not have fun. I don’t want to end our relationship, but I don’t wan to have a strained one where you don’t feel like you can be yourself. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t really feel like I can trust you with myself. I don’t feel like I can be my true self around you, not like I actually know who that is. You claim to be my best friend, and I see you as my best friend, but I can’t help but walk on eggshells around you. I can’t help but read from a script when I talk to you. I can’t help but overanalyze the way I walk, the way I say things/ my speaking voice / my dialect, the way I react to things— everything, just to make sure you don’t judge me. You say you won’t ever judge me, but I see the way you judge others. Nobody’s perfect, I’m trying to learn that. But aren’t best friends supposed to trust one another? How can I trust you if I feel like this? Maybe I’m too sensitive, I really wish that I wasn’t— I wish that I could be as nonchalant and tough-hearted as you, but my heart is sticky and soft and fragile and easily broken. I don’t know where I got it from, but I wish it wasn’t me. I wish I could be anyone else, so people would actually like being around me.