#any disabilities outside of very specific symptoms from a very specific few

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

some people go “oh yeah this character is so mental illness they’re soooooo neurodivergence” and then get weirdly offended if you depict them with anything but very romanticised inaccurate versions of depression or autism.

[antiradqueer]

hi. this is probably going to be a long ask, but i don’t do discourse on my public blog and i want this to be somewhere relevant and visible

i am an autistic bipolar trans man with scizophrenia symptoms. i have had, and still struggle with: very unpleasant intrusive thoughts that are sexual or violent, maladaptive daydreams, delusions, and pathological lying. i’ve encountered transid identities before, but i didn’t know about the radqueer “community.” i also want to add that i’m a psychology student and aim to be non-judgmental under any circumstances relating to mental health.

it seems to me like a lot of people who identify as radqueer are just kids or young adults who are still learning about themselves, their identities and their mental health

i’ve read a lot of posts from transtrauma folks, and my initial impression is that a lot of them are attention starved and need validation in their outside lives, or have minor or complex traumas that they don’t realise are valid due to them not being one recognised traumatic event. you don’t need to have gone through something completely life-ruining to deserve sympathy, nor do you need to be mentally ill.

the same applies to transabled identities as well - i know from my own experience as a person with a chronic illness that affects my physical ability, but i don’t identify as physically disabled - that the disabled and cripplepunk communities are full of love and acceptance, and it seems like a lot of radqueers are seeking that same acceptance.

i saw a coining post for the term “transvegan” - one who wants to be vegan, identifies as vegan, but isn’t vegan right now due to life circumstances. and the way i see it is that these people have discovered queer identities as a way to label themselves, eg “i feel this way because i am lesbian”, and as a result have chosen to label all their personality traits as queer identities. you don’t have to call yourself transvegan! you can say “i’m not vegan right now because that’s not feasible for me but i agree with their ideas and advocacy,” and that’s okay. most decent vegans will respect you for that anyways.

before i knew about my bipolar disorder, i thought i might be a system - so guess what, i tried it out for a few days, using tools like pluralkit and a system tracker. it turned out that it wasn’t an experience i shared, but that was okay. at the time, i did want to be a system as that would help me understand why i was the way i was - but after i realised i wasn’t, i kept going and eventually got my bipolar diagnosis that has brought me a lot of comfort.

i relate to the feeling of wanting to have a severe, labelable trauma as well. i was desperate for a reason why i was struggling and mentally ill even though nothing “big” and “horrible” had happened to me.

transracial identities seem to stem from a similar thing imo - i love japanese folklore and history, and actively do research into it in my free time. i enjoy hearing accounts from japanese people about their personal experiences with their mythology, and while i don’t want to live in japan, i think other people like me might. if the radqueer community had existed when i was a young teenager, i might even have identified as transjapanese. however, it seems to me like trace identities stem from misattributing an interest (and again, a specific desire for respect and inclusion from those with a culture they’re interested in) to wanting to be their specific race.

i identify as asexual, and don’t relate to any feelings of attraction, nevermind paraphilias, but i do have intrusive thoughts, and dealing with that has taught me the attitude that your thoughts are not your fault. i love and respect people with paraphilias, even the “weird” ones, but the important part is understanding that if your actions due to your attraction could harm others, like children and animals, it’s your responsibility not to act on those thoughts. whether you want to seek therapy and try and stop having them is a personal choice and up to you, but you cannot refuse the responsibility not to harm others.

if you want to think or write about societally unacceptable scenarios such as grooming or rape, you can - thoughtcrime isn’t real and censorship is a slippery slope - and if the point of your work is not to condone or encourage that kind of thing, and you are clear and do not make people read it if they don’t want to, it does no harm.

unfortunately, that ties in to the other part of the radqueer community who have harmful opinions, like ableism, racism, and pedophila, who simply use the guise of “queerness” to try and get away with it. at its core, queerness is about playing with gender norms and identity, and how you are perceived by society; not “having sex with someone you aren’t “supposed” to be having sex with,” or “having views not agreed with by current society.”

animals and children cannot consent. period. it is not about knowing what sex is, it is about understanding the meaning and gravity of what you are doing, and to take advantage of someone or something that doesn’t is inherently violating. if you think any actions that cause harm to others, sexually or violently, are normal or justifiable then you are not a good person. you are not respectable.

i can’t speak on racism in the radqueer circle and the concept of winterqueer because i don’t know enough, but i can tell you now that the queer and punk communities do not accept racism, and that it goes against the core of who we are. you are not and will not be part of us.

i also think there’s something to be said about how transid views trans people as not truly what they are. if i fully physically transitioned, i wouldn’t stop being transgender, but it feels like a lot of transid identities are only defined by the wanting of, not the being. a trans man is not a woman who wants to be a man. he is a man who at some point used to be viewed as female, and no longer feels that way.

(not adressing anyone on this blog, just things i have seen) i think my point was that the argument of “these people will never be accepted by society” does more harm than it does good - i don’t think their beliefs are normal or will be accepted, but by arguing that the people themselves will never be accepted when they are in the community in the first place because they want to be respected and seen only serves to push them back into the circle of people who genuinely desire harm.

on a similar note, harrasment and death threats on either side are also horrible. you are not helping, you are not getting one up on them, you are just hurting people, and wasn’t the entire point of being anti-radqueer trying to prevent people hurting others?

idk. this was long and rambling, but it’s just. you can want things that are unachievable but you’ve gotta come to terms with the fact they’re unachievable. there’s a difference between “fiction is not reality” (true) and “fiction does not affect reality” (provably false). radqueerism is not as progressive as it claims to be. and there are a lot of people out there who refuse to grow or learn.

.

[adventures-on-foster-island]

Service and Suport Pokémon

The class takes place in a plush room within the main building, full of bean bag chairs and large cushions for sitting. Ellisa stands at the front of the room with an Umbreon on one side of her and an Espeon on the other.

"Hello students! I'd like you all to meet two Pokémon who are very special to me; Pan the Espeon and Nyx the Umbreon. They joined me over ten years ago, when I was 16 and moving away from home to attend school. Up until then, I had a close support network and attended online classes. When I moved all the way to Kanto, my anxiety and ADHD came to light in a way they never had before. I struggled to make it to classes, turn in school work, and even leave the dorm at all for a while. Eventually, my counselor suggested that I look into getting support Pokémon, and they changed my life.

You see, most people only think of service Pokémon as mobility aids, seeing eyes, and those that can detect things like allergies, blood sugar, blood pressure, and seizures. On the contrary, there are near endless possibilities of ways support Pokémon can help their trainers. Take the move Helping Hand for example; in battle it is used to increase attack power, but outside of battle it can do so much more. Nyx uses it on me to regulate my focus, or more-so my executive function, while Pan uses it to lower my heart rate when I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I've heard of people with chronic pain and fatigue using the move to manage their symptoms as well. Most moves have uses outside of battle, and if trained correctly, can help with some kind of condition. Folks with insomnia or other sleep disorders may benefit from moves such as yawn, hypnosis, and sleep powder, in addition to dream eater for nightmares. People who suffer from chronic pain have a wide variety of options, from poison type moves that dull nerves to fighting and psychic type moves that can trigger pressure points. Future sight is a popular move for those with OCD and anxiety, and Pokémon with the ability telepathy are great for the deaf, hard of hearing, and those who are nonverbal or have times when they go nonverbal."

Ellisa hands out a few items to be passed around; wristbands, harnesses, vests, and lanyards in various colors, all reading 'SERVICE POKÉMON' and/or 'WORKING, DO NOT PET'

"Service and support Pokémon are trained to perform specific tasks to help their trainer. They are working, and should not be interrupted or distracted from their job. Most will have some kind of vest or other accessory to alert others that they are working. These Pokémon are not battle trained, and just because someone has a Pokémon on them does not mean that they are a trainer who is prepared to battle. Service Pokémon must be registered through the PokéCenter system, and business are legally required to allow them inside. There are only two questions the trainer must answer if asked by staff; 'Is this Pokémon required because of disability?' and 'what work or task has the Pokémon been trained to perform?'. It is illegal to ask the trainer about their disability, require any special documentation, or ask for the Pokémon to demonstrate their task.

If you think a service or support Pokémon could help you live life to its fullest, reach out to your doctor. There is a process for finding the right Pokémon for your specific needs that can take up to a year to finalize. It is important to get your service Pokémon from a reputable breeder with a history of successfully trained adoptions rather than catching one wild."

[soulsxng]

Sort of a continuation of these two worldbuilding posts from a little while ago:

One thing I didn't go into very much on either of them, was that there's one sort of subsection to the first type-- the "bound" gods, so to speak. As such, this subset of deities is effected by the same symptoms as those gods that are tied specifically to one realm.

These are the ascended deities.

Ascended deities are those who were not born as a god. Though they can be born as any species really, there are a few that are given the opportunity more often than others. Examples of this being kistune, Sumydans, and some types of elementals, to name a few!

Anyway, these gods became what they are today by passing a series of trials, and ultimately gaining something called a God Seal from it.

The trials differ depending on the individual, their species, and the kind of god they intend to become, but many of them involve proving their strength, wisdom/cunning, resilience, character, etc. They also usually require the individual to decide what their purpose will be as a god, and-- in order to form their God Seal-- choose some part of themselves to give up.

Darrow, for example, gave up his ability to change shape-- something that is fairly iconic for a kitsune and Inari-- and allowed that to make up the form of his God Seal. Unless he decides to let go of being a god, or the power is temporarily granted to him by another being, he'll never be able to use it again.

Now for the God Seal itself. What it looks like depends on the individual, but it is almost always kept on the deity that owns it, or hidden somewhere that they frequent. If this seal is stolen, not only does it give the holder of the seal power over the god it belongs to, but if it's kept far enough away from said god for long enough, it'll disperse. Thus causing the god to return to what they were before becoming a deity.

The time and distance is determined by what the deity gave up to form the God Seal in the first place. Again, using Darrow as an example, he can be within about 1500 miles of his God Seal and not have the time limit come into play. If he's outside of that 1500 miles, he would have about 5 days to retrieve his seal before he lost his powers and returned to being a kitsune.

If the God Seal was destroyed, it would almost always result in the deity that owns it dying. There's a small chance that it may leave them severely wounded, and likely disabled to some degree instead, though that's pretty unlikely. In this case, they would lose their powers and godhood, as well as whatever they used to create the seal in the first place. They would never be able to ascend again after that, either.

Moving on to tying themselves to a realm. With ascended deities, there's a bit more of a competitive aspect to things. After all, sometimes a being becomes a god, and there's already another overseeing the same/similar domain in the realm/area they're from. And a lot of gods really don't care to share their space or followers with others more than they have to.

Because of this, ascended gods will sometimes invade the realms and territories of other ascended. Usually a challenge is issued before any actual fighting (or whatever else) begins, but not always. Either way, the goal is always the same-- to obtain the opposing deity's God Seal.

There was a time that these challenges were extremely cutthroat, and a lot of the stolen seals would never be returned. Or worse, would be destroyed. Now, however, there's more of a system in place that prevents a lot of unnecessary cruelty and bloodshed. If ever there's an ascended god that becomes known for destroying, or not returning seals after a challenge, they're usually quickly targeted or closely watched by the other ascended gods.

When an ascended god is kicked out of their domain, they have the slightly longer amount of time to find a new one than they would have to retrieve or get within range of their God Seal. Without a ream, the seal means little to nothing, essentially.

[mimzy-writing-online]

How do you handle casual ableism especially ableism that’s said to be “a joke”? I am blind and I get this all the time and it’s so annoying because I can’t win.

If it’s said by someone I know I probably won’t talk to much, if ever again, I just grin and bear it. If I’m invested in this friendship or know I’ll be working with them a lot, then I’ll say something. But I do have some personal pet-peeves.

“Oh, so you’re blind, but not like, blind-blind.” 

Whenever I explain to someone new that I’m visually impaired and what I see, I sometimes get the “oh, so you’re blind, but not like, blind-blind.” and I just... *internal screaming*

I hate it because it reinforces this hierarchy of “who has it worst in the world” that abled society has. It’s like saying, “oh, you’re blind, but at least you don’t have cancer.” That is insensitive to both people who are blind, people who have cancer, and people who have both. 

Everyone is going through their own stuff, and sometimes it feels debilitating and sometimes it feels normal. Undermining someone’s experiences by saying/implying someone has it worse is terrible and even worse is using that idea to say “oh, then you don’t need this accommodation that badly, you’re not disabled-disabled.”

I am blind. Just blind. I have a condition that highly affects my life and just because there are a few settings where I can pass for sighted, does not mean that I am not blind.

And those people feed my internalized ableism and imposter syndrome so that I begin to think “I’m not that blind, people have so much less sight than me” and begin to feel like I don’t deserve any of my accommodations, even my cane when my worst days hit. My cane, that thing I bought myself that affects no one apart from warning them I can’t see them, but means everything to me.

What I would like to say: “I am blind. What I’m describing might sound like no big deal to you, but it affects my life every day and I will never, under any circumstances, see as much as a sighted person. Please stop comparing my disability to other disabilities.”

“Can you use your cane as a weapon?”

It was funny the first 3-4 times I heard it, but strangers say it to me constantly and it’s just like... “oh, them Lakers” or “How’s the weather up there” or some other cliché joke that has been told to death. And these strangers don’t realize how unoriginal it is because they probably never interact with other blind people, but I hear it all the fricken time.

I’ve explained to friends that I don’t like this joke. And I have an example of it in A Witch’s Memory, specifically Ulric’s second chapter. But like, I cannot control what strangers think is funny.

What I would like to say: “I cannot. Canes are much more fragile than you think, and each one has cost me $50 each. And I’ve had... six? Over the years. And they take weeks to ship to me. I would be terrified of my cane getting damaged.”

“I bet you’re looking forward to robot eyes.”

No. I’m not. I’m really not. Leave my eyes the fuck alone.

This was waaaaaay before I was diagnosed with Visual Snow Syndrome, which is a neurological problem, not an eye problem, even if the symptoms that affect me most are visual.

And as for the ableism, there’s soooo so much in that statement:

“Oh, I bet you’re looking forward to getting cured”

“I think being blind is terrible, I would want robot eyes immediately”

And if I said that I didn’t want robot eyes ever, I’d almost always get:

“I bet it wouldn’t be that bad, you’d be a cyborg. How cool is that?”

I said no the first time. Respect that answer. It’s my body, my eyes. I’m so tired of this debate.

The only form of this conversation I will ever accept is from my best friend who admitted that he personally would jump at the chance for cybernetic enhancements, especially something that reduced chronic pain. There are some more personal issues I won’t disclose, but from his perspective I understood and we came to the acceptance that we had very different stances and that was okay so long as we respected each other’s choices.

What I would like to say: “I have considered this and personally decided that under no circumstances would I ever want this kind of surgery done to me. Please respect that choice and don’t joke about experimental surgeries with me.”

“Just consider me your personal human guide dog.”

Only one person has ever said this to me, but he’s said it several times while acting as my sighted guide and I hate it, not because there is any ableism directed at me, but because he’s calling himself less than human and I wish he treated himself better. He deserves better. My solution is just saying nice things to him every chance I get about how much I care about him and how he is good.

“Fuck you! I love you! Don’t you dare call yourself a dog. You’re amazing and I love you.”

“Well you’re able-bodied.”

Said to me by another person with a disability, specifically a chronic illness, while complaining about why I couldn’t do something for him.

It was my father.

and I just...

I have literally never not been disabled in some capacity.

I remember my ADHD affected me from the early age of six years old and how much that affected my self esteem. I started having chronic health problems (mostly due to anxiety) as soon as I entered my teenage years. The worst was when I was 19. And then I went blind.

I am in no way able-bodied. Do not throw this hierarchy of who’s more disabled at me. I physically cannot handle the task you asked me to do without physical pain following me for the rest of the day. It’s either going to have to get done by someone else, or I’m going to need help. Why do I need to be in pain all day for this?

You’re young, therefore you are able-bodied.

You means nothing in terms of disability! Lots of people are disabled, visibly and invisibly. And if your kid needs disability aids to perform normal tasks like walking safely outside, you shouldn’t be calling them able bodied.

What I would like to say: “I am not able bodied. I am far from it. What you’re asking me to do will either risk serious injury to me or will cause me serious, lasting pain. Please respect my physical limitations.”

“And on your right you and hear, smell, taste, touch the ocean.”

It was a joke by a close friend when we were on a road trip. Also, we were in a car on the freeway, literally, none of those things would be possible from that distance because all I would hear and smell would be car fumes. 

Like, okay, I know I can’t enjoy the scenic view the way sighted people can, but I am enjoying this drive in my own way. Even the visuals I can see are nice(ish). It’s stimulation, something different for my brain. I’m having fun listening to the music and your story while we move and there are shapes and faded colors passing us.

I’m experiencing this amazing road trip.

Maybe it’s not the way you would experience or best enjoy it, but I am having fun, don’t spoil it by reminding me that I’m different from you and that my experience “must be less enjoyable.”

I told him: “I don’t like those jokes. They aren’t funny to me. I don’t need to see it to enjoy it.” And he stopped. He never made another one after that drive.

(He’s also one of those people who has serious anxiety around making someone uncomfortable, and me telling him “hey I don’t like this, can we do this instead” actually helps us both, because I’m no longer uncomfortable and he can trust that I would immediately tell him if he ever did something I didn’t like. If I’m not speaking up, then I am good. And I can trust that he will stop as soon as I tell him to, and that I can always speak up if I need to.)

[theramseyloft]

What is your opinion on The Crazy Pigeon Lady on youtube? Also I'm sorry for what you're going through, hope you get through it just fine.

OohI looked her up, and thus far like her over all.

We have a few differences, but they are thus far location relevant.

In the first episode, she discusses the difference between a pigeon and dove from a purely taxonomical and linguistic stand point, with out any apparent regard for the possibility that the person asking may have been asking about how to differentiate between the different domestic species.

It may not have dawned on her that that was a possible aspect of the question.

She is in the UK, where all white pigeons are colloquially referred to as Doves, and colored birds referred to as Pigeons, giving rise to the common misconception that colored and white pigeons are two different species.

In regards to whether or not pigeons are dirty, she defines ferals as “Formerly domesticated, now wild birds” which is not true in North America, because there are no wild populations of rock doves for ferals to get any fresh infusions of wild blood from.

There are unaltered, still wild native Rock Dove populations in the UK with which ferals can interbreed, making them at least some degree of genuinely wild there.

Her answer concerning pigeons as a disease risk was accurate and thorough.

I’m going through their pigeons as pets series, presently.

Episode one revolves around why some one might want a pet pigeons that is very detailed and largely accurate.

She is not correct in Ringnecks or other species of doves having similar temperaments to pigeons, or in them being more than minorly social (other columbid species pair bond exclusively and do not flock year round the way domestic Pigeons do).

I like that she differentiates Pigeon vs. other columbid species cooing. ^v^

I also like that the why you would want one is followed by “here are some potential issues to consider to make sure this will be a good pet for you before you get one.”

She goes into cleaning, briefly, but succinctly.

And a bit about social needs and commitment.

And considering whether or not you want to breed.

Great introduction, with minimal inaccuracy.

Episode Two is focused on selection and aquisition of the bird.

Ooh! She begins by discussing pros and cons both of purchase from breeders and adopting from a rescue.

Most of the pros from a breeder are excellent and correct, but she does mention among the cons “A pigeon purchased from a breeder takes a home away from a rescue, so consider that if that’s important to you”, which is not true, as people choose to go to a breeder or a rescue for entirely different reasons.

A particularly excellent con she mentions of going to a breeder is that breeders tend to breed in very large numbers, and probably won’t have spent any real time getting to know any individual bird, so the individual’s temperament may be a bit of a crapshoot.

This is something we ae trying to change, but is still very much true of the vast majority of pigeon breeders, and is a fantastic point to consider for looking into the acquisition of a pet.

Their pros and cons of adopting from a rescue were accurate and balanced.

And acknowledging that it is a responsible action for a first time pigeon owner to take time to consider whether or not they can care for a traumatized, disabled, or special needs bird is something I greatly appreciate.

She goes from here into pros and cons of different types of pigeons, categorized as Exhibition, performance, utility, and rescue.

Her assessment that healthy performers can’t or should not be kept indoors (only disabled or geriatric individuals) is inaccurate.

As many of you have seen from my own birds, Homers and Rollers can be perfectly happy indoors, so long as they are not caged in anything smaller than a pigeon proofed room.

It is not a requirement that they be allowed free flight outside to be physically, mentally, or emotionally healthy.

Interesting side note: Apparently, meat pigeons eaten in the UK are more often sourced by hunting than farmed, so commercially bred utility birds are not much of a thing there.

She also goes into whether to start with a single bird or a pair, in excellent detail.

She also lays out that housing and a carrier to bring the bird home in should be prepared before going to get the bird.

She discusses checking the claenliness of the breeder or rescues loft (I like that she specifies to also check a rescue’s cleanliness, rather than assuming a rescue will be clean because it is a rescue.)

Her advice to talk to the breeder or rescue is excellent.

And she goes into a lot of detail of what warning signs to avoid while trying to select a healthy bird.

Going into detail about what healthy poop should look like is an excellent and often overlooked addition that I am especially pleased she has not missed.

She even goes into sexing, meds, and vaccinations.

The discussion of acclimating a  new bird to the changed environment is excellent.

One week is WAY too short a time to isolate a new bird from previous residents. Most pigeon diseases take two to three weeks to develop symptoms, so my minimum quarantine is four weeks.

Their acclimation advice otherwise is fantastic.

Episode three focuses on enclosures and equipment.

Fantastic point was made that there is not an indoor cage large enough for a pigeon to live in full time, and flight time outside of it is a must for several reasons.

Considerations for what type of enclosure of what size in what location is excellent.

Planning for enclosure maintenance is excellent.

Would have liked for her to have shown the enclosures she uses for her birds, but the descriptions are detailed and accurate.

She includes that perches need to be flat on top and not too crowded or numerous.

Pleased by the recommendation of at least one brick. ^v^

I would not advise lining a pigeon enclosure with a towel, because of the ease with which strings can be picked out of place with their claws in the course of just walking over it, which could tangle around the toes and cut off circulation if the string comes free of the towel or break the toe if it doesn’t, and the tangled bird panics.

Fleece is a safe alternative that doesn’t come apart in full threads and will not tangle this way, if you like the idea of a fabric floor.

She details news paper, puppy pads, wood shavings, and sand accurately.

LOVE that she detailed deep ceramic ramekins as being ideal for water, while preferring shallower ones for food and grit.

aaaand there she goes into what to use to feed greens. >v<

Pigeons cannot digest anything but seeds. 

Please do not feed them greens, roots, tubers, stems, flowers, or fruits. 

Yes, there are nutrients in those things, but they do the pigeon absolutely no good if they cannot process those items to get to those nutrients.

This is a very common misconception stemming from parrot care.

The discussion of carriers is succinct and accurate.

Gram scales, claw clippers, measuring equipment, and bath dishes were also discussed in excellent detail.

The next does into diet, and I expect to do a lot of yelling about the addition of veggies. >v<

But, at this point, I think I’ve sampled enough to give a verdict.

The vast majority of what I have seen on care of pet pigeons is accurate, and she breaks things down in perfect detail for beginners looking into getting their first pigeon.

There are a few linguistic and location-specific differences between UK and North American pigeons; things that apply in one that do not in the other. For example, meat pigeons being bred for consumption vs hunted, and whether or not ferals can accurately be described as Wild or semi-wild.

One potentially dangerous bedding material being recommended, one misconception about recue versus breeder, and further perpetuation of a very common dietary myth are the only inaccuracies I have seen so far.

This woman pays close attention to her birds, and they are comfortable and happy in her company, which speaks volumes for her relationship with them.

Her advice for starting to build a relationship with a newly acquired bird is absolutely spot on.

If you, or any of my other followers, would like me to continue reviewing her care series on pigeons as pets, or any other pigeon related content, you are welcome to submit videos for commentary in my ask box.

I greatly respect blogs like @is-the-owl-vid-cute and would not mind providing a similar service in regard to pigeons.

[scripttorture]

[knock-out part 1/3] Hey ScriptTorture, firstly thank you so much, you've honestly impacted my writing in a huge way. Thank you. I want to run something by you if that's okay. I've got a character who gets given my in-world fantasy equivalent of a "knock-out" drug which causes characters to have lax muscles and also dissociate if they don’t pass out. I know you've said before that the way these are used in narratives is often unrealistic because they don't work instantly,

[knock-out part 2/3] you can't predict how long the character will be "out" for, and it's hard to judge the dose so you might kill them instead. I have three characters who are given the drug. I want to show that using drugs like this is a serious weapon rather than a “safe” way to neutralise a threat, but I can’t have any of these three characters die from the drug for plot reasons. Here’s what I have so far: one character gets a small dose and grows weak but doesn’t pass out, [knock-out part 3/3] then recovers quickly with no side-effects, the second is given repeated doses on top of other injuries and stays in a state of “haze” for a day (for plot reasons), with dissociative side-effects for the rest of their life, and the third gets one large dose, has a delayed reaction but does pass out, and recovers. Would it be realistic to give this third character short-term memory problems for life?

-

Thank you Anon :)

 Alright since this ask is going to heavily involve information from my day job testing medical drugs I’m going to start off by stating the sort of things I know. My training is as a synthetic organic chemist, which is a fancy way of saying I’m trained to make chemicals. I ended up doing a lot of work on pharmaceuticals/drugs. My post-grad degree was about drug-targetting (sending drugs to specific parts of the body) which is a branch of research aimed at reducing side effects. I’ve worked on drug formulations (all the other stuff that goes with the drug itself to make it easier to take ex turning it into a pill) and I currently test inhalers.

 I also take a fair few medications and I’m close to quite a few disabled people. Which has made me familiar with some of the weirder side effects out there.

 A lot of the time we don’t know why medications do these things or why these effects only seem to happen to some people and not others.

 Sometimes we know: chemotherapy agents have a tendency to make people nauseous and make their hair fall out because they attack dividing cells. And the cells of the gut lining and hair follicles naturally divide quickly. One of the medications I currently take can cause light headedness and fainting because it slows the heart rate.

 And then you get the odd ones. Right now I’m taking a medication which says inside the packet that I should ‘avoid exposure to sunlight’ (will I explode like a vampire?*). An old friend regularly took something which had a uh- slight tendency to make people’s skin die and fall off in huge chunks.

 These drugs were prescribed for dizziness caused by an ear infection and sleep disorders respectively.

 Chemicals can be weird like that. The pathways our bodies use to break them down aren’t always predictable and small genetic changes might mean different by-products in different people.

 Recently there’s been a lot more attention on how sexism and racism have effected science with people rightly calling out the fact that some drugs which are mostly given to women or non-white people seem to have more/worse side effects then expected. It’s a legitimate concern, especially when it comes to how much funding is put into researching particular conditions.

 The flip side is that it can take easily 15 years for a drug to be approved. Often side effects are something we have to accept until we have a better alternative.

 And there’s always an element of risk involved. A medicine being declared ‘safe’ rarely means ‘always 100% safe for everyone’ it’s more like ‘safe under these conditions’, ‘safe for the majority of people’ and ‘safer then the disease it treats’.

 All of which means that if you’re making up a drug you really are free to pick whatever side effects you feel fit the story. There are a lot of really weird ones out there, especially when you get into the rarer side effects.

 When it comes to knock out drugs in stories (or use of chemicals and drugs to cause pain) I try to communicate long term injuries and worst case scenarios because I get the impression a lot of authors either don’t understand them or don’t take them seriously. From the sounds of things you are taking this scenario very seriously and you’ve thought about the sorts of long term effects you want the characters to have.

 This combination of side effects isn’t something I’ve heard of in a single drug. But I don’t think that matters here.

 All of the side effects individually are possible with different drugs. The fact you’ve considered side effects and committed to showing them means you’re taking the issue seriously. And it’s a fictional drug. So I don’t think it matters much that you’ve chosen side effects to fit your story (I actually think that’s a much smarter writing choice then trying to pick a real drug).

 I think the only thing I’d really add is that memory problems of the kind you’re describing still aren’t that well understood. So most of the long term interventions in reality are just… life style changes. Reminders and alarms and helpers.

 The sort of general forgetfulness that I think you’re describing can have really terrible knock on effects on people’s lives. It makes it harder to hold down a job, keep medical appointments, maintain relationships and it’s really common in trauma survivors.

 I think trying to use that, portray it well, is a good thing. Because I have too many survivors tell me they didn’t realise what they were experiencing was a symptom.

 So realistic? Not exactly, but I think what you’re planning to do is a good idea regardless. Realism isn’t always the be all and end all of this stuff. It’s where and how we choose to break with reality that matters and whether that choice shores up apologist arguments or has unfortunate implications.

 Unfortunately most of the time when we, writers, break with reality around torture that’s what we end up doing: tacitly supporting apologist ideas. Usually not out of malice, but just because accurate information is hard to find. So I do stress what the reality is like a lot. I think it’s important to understand the reality before we decide where to depart from it.

 And I think where you’ve chosen to make that break works fine.

 I hope that helps. :)

*After running the experiment it turns out no! But it does make being outside in England feel like being out in midday in Al Khobar which is bizarre. 

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[imagining-in-the-margins]

im honestly sorry if you feel triggered by this, but how do you feel about mgg fans diagnosing him adhd to excuse him saying the r word? isnt that invalidating towards neurodivergent people because hes not actually diagnosed with it? for some reason that just really bothers me (i have horrible adhd that i actually take medication for and it's awful so it annoys me when ppl ask diagnose with it)

So, I don’t have ADHD - I’m neurodivergent because I am autistic - just want to put that out there before I move on. 

From my understanding, people mistakenly think that he is actually diagnosed. I’ve seen a few people swear they’ve heard him say it. I’ve searched for awhile, but never been able to find any sign of Matthew explicitly calling himself ND in any manner. Since I think a lot of it comes from a genuine misunderstanding, it doesn’t bother me at all. (*If someone has proof he’s identified that way, please let me know and show me the link!).

As for people who are actually openly and admittedly armchair diagnosing, I take issue with that. I’m a firm believer in self-diagnosis, particularly in America and for adults over the age of 20 with NDs, specifically. It is way harder than a lot of people understand to get a proper autism dx in America if you’re an adult. If my parents weren’t willing/able to testify to my childhood, no psychiatrist would believe me. I think a lot of younger folks don’t realize how much our understanding of neurodiversity has changed in the last three years, nonetheless the last thirteen.

HOWEVER, armchair diagnosis is awful in my eyes. I am not a fan for a number of reasons, part of which being that there is often a bias by the person doing it. A lot of ND symptoms overlap between all of the different “qualifying disorders,” and I constantly see people say X is evidence of Y, when the correct statement is X can be evidence of ABCDEFGHIJKLM- (You get the point).

When it’s done by a NT or able bodied person, I get even more upset. They have no business guessing what it’s like to be us or talk about how they perceive us. It’s not their business. They need to keep their (usually ableist) opinions to themselves, period. I don’t want to hear about whether or not they think there is something “wrong” with literally anyone, ever (that includes Cheeto Man, who people seem real comfortable throwing “bad” mental illness labels on).

Lastly, my biggest problem with armchair diagnosis or outing someone’s disability they don’t outwardly express is that it takes the autonomy away from the person that matters. I personally don’t think it’s right to reclaim a slur if you don’t identify yourself as a member of that demographic, since you are benefiting from the pain without any of the work/danger. That being said, some people’s opinions differ. Our histories with our own disabilities and how the world reacts to them are all very different.

Do I think Matthew is ND? Possibly, but it’s not my place to say that for him. If he doesn’t say he is, then I’ll assume that he is not, because that’s probably what he wants. Until he says otherwise, I will assume that he does not want to be identified as ND, and in my opinion, he shouldn’t say the R slur (which, he hasn’t said in almost 5 years now, has removed from his very first directed works and website, is part of a campaign to replace the word, and he has started heavily advocating for adults with intellectual & developmental disabilities - one of THE most neglected demographics). 

Finally, I actually have some semi-controversial feelings about the R-slur itself and who should feel comfortable reclaiming it. The ND umbrella is extremely massive, and includes wildly different experiences. When specifically referencing the R-slur, the people whose opinions should be amplified the most, to me, are the people with intellectual and developmental disabilities that also suffered at the hands of the educational system.

As someone who was in school in the nineties, I went from being officially marked the R-slur on my educational record & being told I’d never be able to hold a job or be a functioning member of society... to being told I needed to skip 3 grades & that I was a genius... Those two experiences are so, so, so, so, SO painfully different. Sure, I still got called the R-slur for my other behaviors outside of the educational context, but we can’t erase the VERY different experiences in SpEd and TAG programs. I just want people to think about that, too. I personally get kind of uncomfortable when people who’ve never struggled with learning or intelligence tests tell me they get to use the word. I don’t feel comfortable using the word, but I also grew up in a very different time. I’m glad that people feel more comfortable with reclaiming the word now, though, because it means we’ve made progress and they feel safer with it! There’s a lot to it, and it’s an intracommunity discussion, anyway.

That’s a brief summary on my feelings. Mainly I want people to be patient with people who say he has ADHD just because I think a lot of people genuinely (albeit mistakenly) believe he’s identified that way. A lot of ND people cling to any representation we can find because it is so rare to find. I try to be more understanding with the topic for that reason.

[makimakikun]

Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory

Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 

I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 

Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 

Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.

Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 

To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.

Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.

By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.

Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 

I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 

♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 

This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

[astoriias]

{ cisgender woman, she/her } ❝ Thank god women learned to whisper / though I crave a megaphone. ❞ huh, who’s CAITRIONA BALFE? no, you’re mistaken, that’s actually ASTORIA MALFOY (NEÉ GREENGRASS). she is a 47 year old PUREBLOOD witch who is CHIEF WARLOCK OF THE WIZENGAMOT. she is known for being JUDGEMENTAL, DISHONEST, COLD, RIGID, and CALLOUS but also PRACTICAL, DRIVEN, INNOVATIVE, STEADFAST and DISCIPLINED, so that must be why she always reminds me of the song TOMORROW - MINER and BLACK LEATHER BRIEFCASES, THE CLICK OF HIGH HEELS ON TILE FLOORS, THE LINGERING TASTE OF FAIRY FLOSS, BURGUNDY NAIL POLISH, AND PEARL HAIR PINS. i hear she is aligned with NO ONE so be sure to keep an eye on her. 

BIO

Cursed with a blood malediction that left her and her parents preoccupied with maintaining her health throughout early childhood, Astoria grew up without direction, without passion, and without much to do or think about other than staying alive. She did what she was told and completed what was asked of her by her parents: mostly swallowing thick potions that made her head spin and remaining in bed when all she wanted to do was tumble through the lush gardens of the Greengrass estate and scrape her knees like other children. As she grew older and defied Healers’ expectations — making it past 5, then 10, then 15 — Astoria grew weary of the half-life she’d been prescribed. At Hogwarts, she followed her sister Daphne into Slytherin because she didn’t know where else to go. 

It took Astoria almost a year at Hogwarts before she would speak up in class or acknowledge anyone with more than a handful of words — and each time she did her heartbeat would quicken, her face would flush. If she was called on by a professor and — Merlin forbid — got the answer wrong, her eyes would fill with tears, her gaze would shift to the floor, and she wouldn’t be able to breathe. One day, outside her second-year Transfiguration class, an annoying boy named Colin saw her heavy breathing and told her about panic attacks — Astoria’s irrational fear of social situations and new people now made sense.

That same annoying boy became her close friend not long after. It was a month into study sessions by the Black Lake that Astoria Greengrass learned that her Colin, the boy who kept a camera slung around his neck at all times and was so nice to her, was Colin Creevey, yes, that Colin Creevey, who was petrified by a Basilisk a year prior for being MUGGLEBORN. Astoria found that didn’t bother her very much. Sure, she never advertised that they were friends and didn’t freely associate with Colin in public places, but he understood her position or in the very least, didn’t protest it. She even got him to join Herbology club — though she insisted that they enter and exit the greenhouse at different times and never spoke directly, his presence was a comforting balm.

Colin tried to get her to join up with the student resistance that was brewing in her third year — but Astoria knew she wasn’t the type to stir up such trouble. She couldn’t stand with the muggleborns and blood traitors no matter how right they were; she couldn’t risk losing her family. Unlike those in Dumbledore’s Army, Astoria didn’t see this conflict in terms of black and white, good vs. evil — there were plenty of others like her, struggling to find themselves in the midst of conflict, battling tradition and family expectations. She kept out of Umbridge’s way during that time. Kept out of her father’s way during that time — while he had no Dark Mark to speak of, his entrepreneurial hands passed cursed objects and ingredients for poisons to any Dark Lord-aligned wix who wanted them.

Through her friendship with Colin and her time in Herbology Club, Astoria learned she was a talented witch in her own right. Formed an identity outside of being the sick girl everyone doted on. Quietly realized that her muggleborn classmates  — despite what her pureblood indoctrination taught her — were fully-fledged human beings. To someone who didn’t grow up feeling trapped in the (sometimes socially constructed) confines of a blood illness, perhaps her time in Herbology Club wouldn’t seem so transformative. But for Astoria, it was everything.

Nowadays, Astoria is still defying life expectancy estimations and is perhaps best known for her robust political career. She joined the Ministry as a pupil/intern in its Wizengamot Instruction in Magical Law Program (W.I.M.P.), and in the span of twenty-five years has climbed the ranks to barrister’s assistant, barrister, then Wizengamot member, and finally, the youngest Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot in the last hundred years. She is extremely opinionated about the runnings of the legislature and judiciary, and her past two years as Chief Warlock have been marked by her love for procedure, due process, and fairness -- essentially meaning trials are very thorough and very focused on making sure the Ministry doesn’t overstep its bounds. 

BLOOD MALEDICTION

i’m truly on my bullshit and this needs its own section..........,,,,, i’m sorry

I originally started writing Astoria out of pure spite — it enraged and continues to enrage me that all we’re given about this woman is a few lines about her and an off-page (or off-stage, I guess, but Cursed Child is its own beast) death. It makes me mad that she is only defined by her role as a mother and wife to Scorpius and Draco, that she doesn’t get her own ambitions and a life of her own. The racist and sexist underpinnings of the blood malediction/Maledictus concept are par the course for JK but still, bad!

And while I can’t choose for Astoria to have this particular chronic illness and completely divorce it from those origins, I can at least eschew parts of it I don’t like and give a Astoria a rich and fulfilling life with a chronic/potentially terminal illness — not in spite of the blood curse, but because those of us with illnesses and disabilities are people with rich and fulfilling lives, wants, desires, and ambitions.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE:  I try to be really careful about ableist language when I describe this blood malediction and its effects on Astoria’s life — I think that there is so much to explore regarding chronic illness and what, exactly, we constitute as ‘health’ — but I know that I can fall into the traps of my own internalized ableism. If there are terms or concepts here that make players uncomfortable and/or have harmful effects, let me know! I’m happy to make changes.

So anyway!

— origins of the blood malediction

I don’t have this fully worked out, but I think the Greengrass blood malediction stretches back a good ten generations to a very vindictive-in-her-righteous-cause-Muggleborn-witch cursing the family for their refusal to let her marry their son. It’s not limited to just the girls in the family, because I hate that, but it does affect at least one child per generation, so long as the family continues to marry exclusively purebloods — which they have continued to do, not knowing that their bigotry (though in some cases, real love!) is the reason for the curse’s spread. Astoria’s parents mistakenly believed that since the last few cases of the curse had cropped up in different branches of the Greengrass family — distant cousins living on the Continent — that their children would be spared.

— astoria’s symptoms and treatment

Since it’s a blood curse, I figure Astoria’s symptoms manifest as issues both with her blood and with her cardiovascular system at large. I’d compare it to haemophilia. Her blood itself is thin and cannot clot without healing spells and thickening potions, meaning that nosebleeds are frequent, bruising is easy, and bad cuts can be fatal. She’s at high risk for internal bleeding in her joints, and  a big — though often unvoiced fear — of hers is a brain aneurysm that ruptures into a haemorrhage.

(miscarriage tw) These symptoms have waxed and waned her entire life, with particular incidents that have brought her close to death; an accident falling from the garden wall at five, a wayward spell hitting her across the face in second-year DADA, trying for a child. She doesn’t regret that last one — not at all — though it was five weeks after her miscarriage before she was able to stand unassisted, and her Healer’s face when she said “I strongly advise you to not have any more children” haunts her to this day. Scorpius’s birth, possible due to a wonderful surrogate, was alternatively the happiest day of her life. (end miscarriage tw)

Then there come the potions — a barrage of them, to be taken at specific times of day, with extras if she’s bleeding externally or feeling pain in particular areas — that come with side effects like exhaustion, headaches, and nausea. She visits St. Mungo’s once every three months to ensure that the potions are working as intended and has learned to accept her Healers chastising her for the times she skips parts of the regimen or pushes herself too far physically.

PERSONALITY

astoria!!! my love. clearly i have a lot of thoughts and Feelings about her lol,,,,,,,

there isn’t any world or timeline in which astoria would be rushing to join the death eaters -- lol, i’ve always envisioned her being extremely inquisitive and Critical of other people, their motivations, their methods -- this makes her extremely Good at Lawyering and Suspicious of Bullshit. i also have always thought that it was important for her to make a muggleborn friend or two just to really hammer the point home that pureblood nonsense is just that.

still, again, she’s not really motivated by niceness, she doesn’t have a bleeding-heart-sense-of-empathy, she’s kind of snarky and mean. her friends describe her as an acquired taste. 

has a massive sweet tooth. her family is regularly concerned she does not eat enough vegetables.

adores her son. just, absolutely thinks he can do no wrong. she and draco agree that most parents think their child is the most perfect and amazing child in the world, but scorpius actually is the most perfect and amazing child in the world, so. 

a note on astoria and draco: i think draco doesn’t treat her with pity or kid gloves, and has never underestimated her capacity to get shit done in light of her blood curse. and they have an honesty and rapport with each other that astoria hasn’t been able to cultivate with anyone else. they may not be very great people but they’re great partners and great parents. i luv them ok bye

STATS

GENERAL

name. astoria céline malfoy (née greengrass)

nickname. aster (reserved for use by her sister only!)

birthdate. 1 january 1982

place of birth. greengrass residence via midwifery

family. daphne greengrass (sister), draco malfoy (husband), scorpius malfoy (son)

residence. malfoy manor, wiltshire

occupation. chief warlock of the wizengamot

gender identity. woman

romantic orientation. biromantic

sexuality. bisexual

blood status. pureblood

relationship status. married

pets. a scottish terrier named hades

HOGWARTS / MAGIC

house. slytherin

extracurriculars/leadership. herbology club

allegiance. neutral/no one

n.e.w.t. grades charms (o), transfiguration (o), herbology (o), d.a.d.a (a), potions (a), arithmancy, astronomy (o), history of magic (a), ancient runes (e).

wand. willow, nine inches, unicorn hair core

boggart. tbd

patronus. also tbd! my brain hurts 

magical strengths. nonverbal casting, herbology, transfiguration, ancient runes

magical weaknesses. flying, defensive spells, domestic spells

[xiaq]

Q&A:

Hello! Sorry for the belated question-answering. My concussion symptoms got a lot worse for a hot second, but I’m feeling better now and ready to tackle my inbox. So I have over 30 academic-related questions and they mostly fall into these groups:

Can I read your dissertation/are you going to publish it?

Yes! And hopefully. The plan is to publish it as a book once it is complete, but even if that doesn’t happen I’ll share it (maybe even on AO3) with anyone who wants to read it.

What is your dissertation about?

That is a dangerous question. The shortest possible answer: my dissertation is essentially an ethnographic study of the interconnected online platforms that facilitate transformative digital fan culture and the people that use them. I consider fic literature and fic archives repositories for both this textual literature but also the metatextual and paratextual elements of fan culture. My focus is on the AO3 as a groundbreaking archive that has changed how transformative fandom operates, is treated legally, and is viewed publicly.

How are you getting a PhD in fandom? Is that a thing? Did you take classes for it?

Fandom studies is a thing! When you get an English PhD you specialize in certain things, and fandom studies is one of my specialties. Alas, I did not take classes in it, though I did do a significant amount of directed reading on my own/in preparation for exams. PhD coursework prepares you for the broad range of English classes you may be called upon to teach as a professor. So I took multiple courses in my primary fields (see below) but only took classes for my first two subfields. I also took Victorian lit, British lit, American lit, etc.

What did you take your quals in?

Primary Fields: (these are things that make colleges want to hire you)

Book history/archival (focus movement from print-digital)

Feminist/queer theory

20/21st century lit

Subfields: (these are the things that you think are neat if not included in the things that will make colleges want to hire you)

disability studies

minority literature

comics studies

fandom studies

Where do you go to school?

SMU. In Dallas. We have great libraries and lots of white people who wear Vinyard Vines apparel.

You’re the xiaq that wrote LRPD/AHTU/Strut! Are you going to talk about your own fic in your dissertation? Yes. And yes! I’ll speak as a 3rd party academic observer in chapter 1-3 and 5, but chapter 4 will be a case study/interlude where I speak in depth about my experience writing and posting LRPD (https://archiveofourown.org/works/11304786?view_full_work=true). I’m doing this for 2 reasons: 1. The project asserts that there is nothing shameful about participating in fandom and fan works/archives ought to be shown respect and appreciation. I want both fandom folks and academic folks to know that I’m “all in” as it were. 2. When I sat down with my chair to plan my case study chapter, we decided I needed a “top-ranked” work within any moderate to large fandom with over 50,000 hits and over 5,000 comments, and I needed to ask the author detailed questions about their writing, editing, posting, sharing, and comment-answering/interactive habits. LRPD fits that criteria and I don’t have to ask anyone else invasive questions.

Who all have you interviewed?

Cesperanza/Astolat and a couple other AO3 founding folks. Several people currently volunteering for the OTW, one of the volunteer coordinators, communications staff, and a LOT of fan writers (over 50 at this point)—including BNFs like Kryptaria, Earlgreytea68, Emmagrant01 and (much) more. And then a bunch of academic folks too—Karen Hellekson, Abigail De Kosnik, Francesca Coppa, Rukmini Pande, Suzanne Scott (who is on my committee as an outside reader!) and more. Every single person I’ve spoken to was very kind and generous with their time and I love everyone in this bar.

And these were three specific questions that didn’t fall into those categories:

You look so young—is that just good genetics or did you skip a few grades?

Thank you! Well. I skipped getting my masters. Sort of. Most PhD programs require an undergraduate and a masters degree before you can apply. SMU is one of the few that does not and has an extended program that essentially gives folks straight from undergrad extra intensive coursework and a masters upon completion of 2 yrs in the program. It’s difficult to get accepted without a masters, so consider me an outlier and not the standard. I’m also on course to (hopefully) graduate a year early—which means I’ll have my doctorate before I turn 30! You too can be an overachiever with the help of OCD, anxiety, and sleep deprivation (not an endorsement, tho).

what does otw mean in your ao3 post about academics being assholes

Organization for Transformative Works! The OTW formed before the AO3 did. You can read more about it here: https://fanlore.org/wiki/Organization_for_Transformative_Works

Concerning your post on AO3 and the pettiness of academics - you mentioned the real, serious negative issues concerning AO3. Might you expand more on that? What do you find to be the negative aspects of AO3?

Ah yes. So there is one “big” thing that occasionally came up as a negative in my interviews and research. Fandom has a long and storied history of racism. It’s not isolated to the AO3, but several of the POC I spoke to said they dislike the fact that there’s no way to mark a work as racist, or warn others about it (usually, if an individual points out that, say, an author has treated Finn as a Big Black Dick and not, you know, a human being, the author isn’t particularly interested in noting that their own work is problematic. See also: slave AUs. Where Finn is a slave.Yikes.). While the majority of POC I spoke to didn’t advocate for some sort of censure of these works in the terms of use (some did), what most wanted was a way of being able to warn others, or receive a warning, that a work is racist. Implementing something like that is, obviously, complex (if not impossible) however. Personally? I doubt it will happen. Related, and perhaps more important, when POC tend to speak critically about the erasure or infantilization or animalization of non-white characters, white authors often 1. police tone rather than engage with the criticism, 2. focus more on defending themselves rather than actually examining their, maybe accidental, biases/stereotypes or 3. cry bullying or kinkshaming instead of actually listening to what POC are saying. Again, not an issue isolated to the AO3, but an issue nonetheless that we, as a community, need to recognize (for more on this history, check out, for example, https://fanlore.org/wiki/RaceFail_%2709). There’s also the whole “should illegal sexual things--like underage or pedophilia-- be allowed,” which I don’t have the energy to dissect right now, but the overwhelming majority of folks I spoke to were of the “if you don’t like it, don’t read works with that tag. If it’s not tagged correctly, close the tab” school of thought. The AO3 has always purported itself as a hosting, not a policing, organization, so I doubt that will ever change. 

[parasiticghostwasps]

@echotheloser said: Yeah… I love the game but I have some issues with how disabled characters are portrayed. I definitely prefer to think about it like this.

@ask-kazushuu said: This blog’s Shrine AU’s Hitori has some sleeping problems, but I haven’t thought about actually giving him narcolepsy. Maybe he has sleep paralysis and hallucinations, trauma regarding all the orphanage kids, but he’s doing about as well as Nageki. (So somewhat?). It’s sad to give Hitori narcolepsy regardless, but I do like the idea…

(replies to this post)

Putting most of this under a cut because I accidentally wrote a lot in trying to consolidate my thoughts. Which are complicated and kinda all over the place. And then I tacked some headcanons on at the end because why not do that while we’re here.

Warning that there’s brief discussion of Hitori being a murderer in here.

I’ve just been thinking about it after I read a translation of the guidebook story in which narcolepsy is specifically name-dropped. I already knew hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations and sleep paralysis as symptoms of narcolepsy before getting into Hatoful and had independently associated Kageki with that even before the guidebook affirmed that line of thought to me. At the same time, Kageki is there to externalize “Nanaki’s” warped perspective for the audience and present the story in an interesting way. Why Kageki exists in-universe is superseded by the way in which he’s used in telling the story.

Part of what I like about Hatoful is the way that things are exaggerated and not firmly grounded in reality. I like the way that kind of storytelling can focus on honesty of feelings and relationships and express those things in creative and artful ways. So like. I don’t expect realism from Moa and that’s not what I want from her. I might even prefer if no real-world labels were attached to “Nanaki’s” disorder, I’m not really sure. 

Still, I think there can be value in using Hitori as a path to exploring a more grounded approach to writing a character with narcolepsy. I would like to try that, writing him using the real-world experiences of people with narcolepsy as a reference point and see where it takes me.

And I definitely understand if other people don’t want to lean into reading Hitori and “Nanaki” as a disabled character. He is a murderer in the main storyline. And the world does not need any more reinforcement of the ableist stereotype that people with hallucinations and/or delusions are violent killers. “Nanaki” is framed with more sympathy than many characters that are comparable in that sense, but it’s something that sticks to him nonetheless. My personal impulse to address this is to make him similarly disabled regardless of the universe, which is where I was coming from in my original post. But if other people feel like “I wouldn’t want to touch that issue even with a 10-foot-pole,” I completely understand.

One thing I thought was interesting is if we assume he’s being honest (which is a big “if”) about how much he sleeps outside of work when he’s talking about what he did over break and what he said on the drama CD, “Nanaki’s” disorder seems more like idiopathic hypersomnia, with the tendency to sleep for long, unbroken periods of time. (In contrast, narcolepsy involves both falling asleep in the middle of the day and waking up a bunch at night.) He also is never clearly depicted as experiencing anything like cataplexy (involuntary loss of muscle tone, often associated with intense emotions) as far as I remember, which isn’t associated with hypersomnia. Hypersomnia isn’t associated with hallucinations in the same way narcolepsy is, either, though. Still, that’s another direction he could be taken in.

Anyway, with all that out of the way, here’s some assorted thoughts on how writing Hitori with narcolepsy could work in an AU where both Nageki and Kazuaki are alive.

I imagine that the onset would be gradual enough that it would take a while for anyone to notice that there’s been a change. It takes quite a few months of “Sorry about that, I guess I’ve been pretty tired/haven’t been sleeping well lately” and “I don’t know why I’m so clumsy all of a sudden” before he or anyone comes to the conclusion that whatever’s going on isn’t going to just resolve on its own.

I trust that Shuu is the first person to suspect narcolepsy and wants to run tests and maybe even do a case study. He approaches it in a suitably weird and ominous way like “I have my suspicions about what’s going on, but I’d like to perform a lumbar puncture to be sure.”

Hitori eventually ends up on assorted medications that make things smoother, but he still needs to take naps throughout the day and has to be especially careful about his diet and sleep hygiene.

One might think that having a serious disability could help him to be more understanding of Kazuaki, but no. Having to work harder to just live his life only makes Hitori more resentful of what he perceives as Kazuaki not trying very hard. This is super unfair of him. He even kinda has a slightly guilty feeling like it’s unfair of him, but he wouldn’t attempt to change his thinking unless someone called him out on it.

I think it’s super funny when “Nanaki” just shows up to the infirmary to nap and I want to continue this proud tradition. Hitori might be marginally more tactful about it, but he still basically imposes himself. And once he has a diagnosis he’s like “You can’t turn me away, this is necessary for my healthy functioning.” Shuu’s just like “please set up a bed elsewhere”

Without any event (or combination of events) that is socially isolating in the way Nageki’s death was, I don’t think Hitori would buy into any hallucinations anywhere near as strongly as he does in BBL. Even if the massacre at Hatoful House still happens, I think he trusts Nageki enough (and would hopefully eventually trust other people, too, relying on only one other person isn’t healthy, Hitori, you dumb bitch) that even the voices of the dead wouldn’t be more convincing than Nageki’s assurance that they’re just vivid nightmares. It would still be deeply upsetting to be hearing from false ghosts voicing his greatest fears, though.

It’s usually fairly easy for him to recognize what’s real and what isn’t after the fact using context. Occasionally he’ll swear something happened that no one else remembers and it’s frustrating, but he can begrudgingly accept that.

Hitori avoids bringing up narcolepsy to people who don’t already know he has it. He doesn’t want to deal with people getting weird ideas about him or have to explain himself too much. And mostly people don’t think about it aside from thinking he’s a bit weird. It isn’t the most ideal impression people could have of him, but it is more convenient.

[lyonsdenprojects]

The Psychology of Fruits Basket: Hatori

(This article will contain spoilers for the new anime, approximately in episodes 7, 8, and 9 depending on pacing. However, it is character history spoilers and not meta-plot spoilers.)

By popular request the next character up for review is Hatori Sohma, the doctor of the family and the Dragon of the Zodiac. Interesting information from the translator’s notes in the collector’s edition of the manga: The original Japanese term for “sea horse” is tatsu no otoshiko, which also translates to “illegitimate son of the dragon”.

Hatori’s character contains many sad ironies. He is a healer, but also involuntarily harms in the same action. He is a protector for the Sohmas but also for protects others from the Sohmas. Of everyone in the cast of Fruits Basket, I believe Hatori displays the best depiction of clinical depression. This is an important characteristic to factor in as we continue our exploration of how Kyoko impacted all the major players in the story because Tohru appears to be one of the first people in a very long time to break through Hatori’s cold countenance.

Due to his Zodiac spirit, Hatori is very much like a bodyguard of sorts. He has skill in erasing people’s memories associated with the Sohma’s that is said to be passed through the family line (this is not necessarily related to the Dragon spirit). Thus, with this skill he is able to protect the Zodiac Curse/Promise. However we also see that having this skill causes others to distrust him, specifically Yuki as a result of his childhood incident where a whole group of would-be friends had their memories erased.

We also see Hatori attempt to protect those outside the Sohma family. This led to one of the saddest moments in Hatori’s life, the erasure of his fiance, Kana’s, memories. Additionally, when Hatori is informed of a new outsider (Tohru) who is allowed to both know the Curse as well as live with the Sohmas, he goes into protection mode again. Just as much, if not more so, for her own sake in remembering the outcome of his lost love.

This very subtly matches up with the character of his Zodiac spirit: In one variation of the Great Race myth, the Dragon did not come in first because he saw a village that caught on fire and he paused to help put out the fire and then to assist the Rabbit across the river. (I have found a handful of sites with this variation of the story, but I felt this blog had the best write up.)

Hatori is such a tragic character in his own right. He has a strong personality that is very clearly backed by a lot of quiet care and emotion. Yet his trauma is unique to any of the characters we’ve covered so far in that he was forced to execute the memory erasures himself. Though it was definitely for the protection of others, and ultimately the right choices to make, it was not a heroic feeling deed. He received Yuki’s distrust. He personally eradicated all traces of his love from Kana. He displays one of the most altruistic loves in this, just wanting to end her pain and suffering even if that meant her life no longer included him.

It is not much of a surprise, then, that Hatori displays subtle symptoms that could be indicative of clinical depression:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame

Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things (It is commented that Hatori is rarely seen outside the Sohma compound)

Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports

A flattened affect

In my discussion of Yuki, I made mention of his ‘affect’, or the way in which he expresses emotion. Where Yuki appeared to have a blunted affect, Hatori appears to have a flattened affect. This is different in that he displays almost no emotive responses at all. His voice is almost always monotone regardless of the type of information he is relaying. Even when Shigure starts to tell Tohru what Hatori’s Zodiac form is, Hatori’s threat does not come with an outrageous outburst. It is only a very solid promise.

With this in mind, it makes Tohru’s impact on Hatori that much more notable.

As we have discussed many times as this point, Kyoko made it a point to raise Tohru to be a caring optimist who sees the true hearts of others. After Tohru’s meeting with Hatori at Sohma House, Shigure comments to her that Hatori’s was trying to give her the “heebie jeebies”. Tohru’s immediate response back is “He was very kind to me”. She recognized that despite his icy exterior, Hatori truly was looking out for her well-being and safety.

In these first few interactions with Hatori, we see a deep maturity that is beyond her years. Tohru understands protecting those you love. She learned from Kyoko how life can be hard but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth living. And so she is one of the few people who can truly see Hatori on his own level. As she takes her leave from her first meeting with Hatori at Sohma House, Hatori says “I apologize for today. All I did was make you cry.” Her only response to him is to smile knowingly, as if to silently say I understand.

That moment when Tohru displays the same optimism and brightness that Kana did despite already knowing about the horrors of the Curse is what cements Hatori as a Tohru supporter.

“When the snow melts, what does it become?”

“It becomes spring! No matter how cold it is now, spring will always come.”

I can’t help but wonder if Hatori may have had some hope that Kana could be the one to break the Curse. Or if he and Kana had discussed the Curse at length at that point. During the flashback where Hatori is attacked, Akito shouts:

“YOU?! AS IF I WOULD GIVE HIM TO YOU!? I HAVE NO USE FOR YOU! WHAT USE WOULD I HAVE OF YOU WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN BREAK THE CURSE?!”

And that was sadly true. Kana was unable to cope with the trauma of Hatori’s injury and blamed herself (even though the real person to blame is Akito). She can’t really be blamed for that either. The raw violence of the scene is a lot to take in and then to boot Hatori can’t even blame Akito for disabling him. The true tragedy of the scene is the destruction of hope for Hatori and Kana, and the fact that Hatori must face the reality of continuing to be trapped in “the darkness  of this [Sohma] house”.

Tohru, knowing that there are very real dangers and knowing that she is possibly being used, still faces Hatori with brightness and caring. She still sees that there is a future spring beyond the snow. Though Kyoko’s influence here is much slighter than with the other characters, the beautiful daughter she raised is gives Hatori a similar hope for the future that Kana did so long ago, though it is of a different tenor.

Follow me on my social media channels (Facebook, Twitter) or become a patron on my Patreon page to be notified of new analyses! Next character in the Psychology of Fruits Basket line up: Momiji!

[missmentelle]

What do you suggest for people who have been hikikimori for long period of time and are trying to get back to normal life?

For those readers who are unfamiliar with the word, “hikikomori” is a Japanese term that describes a situation where a young adult or adolescent begins to socially withdraw, isolate themselves and increasingly confine themselves to their home, until they eventually reach a state where they no longer leave the house or speak to friends for months at a time. In extreme cases, people can end up becoming “hikikomori” for decades, or may be so isolated that they no longer leave their bedroom. The Japanese Ministry of Health officially defines a person as “hikikomori” when they have not left the house for at least six months, and there are currently estimated to be 700,000 people with this designation in Japan, with 1.5 million more people considered to be “at risk”. Cases of young adults becoming hikikomori are on the rise, and it’s rapidly becoming a large social and economic problem for Japan, especially as the oldest of the hikikomori start to reach middle age - their parents will start to die or become disabled in the next few years, and it’s not clear who is going to take care of the hikikomori or how they will survive after that. We also don’t have accurate numbers about the scale of the problem; many families will lie about their hikikomori family member due to embarrassment, and most of the numbers we have are probably underestimates. 

The tricky thing about hikikomori is that we don’t totally understand how or why this is happening. It’s very likely that very likely that this phenomenon has multiple causes, and probably doesn’t have a one-sized-fits-all solution. Hikikomori bears some resemblance to depression, agoraphobia, social anxiety, schizoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, autism, schizotypal personality disorder and PTSD, but it isn’t a perfect fit for any of those disorders. East Asian mental health problems don’t really map onto Western mental health diagnoses very well, because culture has a huge impact on how you experience mental illness, and the DSM was created with a Western presentation of symptoms in mind. For instance, people in Asia are less likely to experience depression symptoms like crying or hopelessness, and are more likely to experience depression as constant headaches or stomachaches. This makes it difficult to put our finger on what hikikomori actually is - many cases begin after a young adult experiences an academic or personal failure, and it’s possible that this is a “culture-bound disorder” that arises from Japan’s uniquely high-stress, highly competitive work culture. It may also be an unusual cultural presentation of a disorder like PTSD or agoraphobia. A large minority of people with hikikomori meet the criteria for autism or another developmental disorder, and some have intellectual disabilities; it is possible that hikikomori is partially the result of Japan’s failure to provide proper supports and accommodations for people with social disorders, especially in a culture where social graces are absolutely everything. 

Giving specific advice about hikikomori is difficult. I am not an expert on Asian mental health disorders, and even people who are experts on Asian mental health disorders are struggling to figure out what this disorder really is and what should be done about it. It’s also not at all clear whether hikikomori-like people living outside the US, in places like the US or Europe, are “true” hikikomori, or if they are more straightforward cases of depression, anxiety and agoraphobia with a slightly different cause. In any case, if you are struggling to recover from an extended period of extremely low functioning brought on by mental illness, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind:

Go slowly. You’re not going to go from months of total isolation to hosting dinner parties and booking international vacations with friends overnight. Recovery from this kind of issue is a marathon, not a sprint. Take your time. Don’t stress yourself out by setting a rigid timeline for recovery - take things one day at a time, and do the best you can to just keep moving forward at whatever pace works for you. It’s better to make gradual improvements over the course of two years that actually stick, rather than pushing yourself too hard for three months and then burning out and relapsing to your old ways. 

Seek out professional help. Recovering from months of isolation is not an easy task, and the fears, anxieties and thought patterns that put you in that state are likely to be deeply entrenched. Plus, a large portion of hikikomori have been found to have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder, or other social, anxiety or developmental disorder. Getting a formal assessment and proper help from a therapist is going to make a huge difference in your recovery, and it may uncover an underlying condition that needs to be treated for you to emerge from your isolation. 

The bare minimum is a lot better than nothing. If you don’t have the energy to hang out with a friend, sending a text message is better than not having any social interaction at all. If cooking a meal is too daunting, eating a sleeve of crackers and a handful of shredded cheese is a whole lot better than not eating at all. Standing in your front yard is better than not leaving the house. Sometimes the road to recovery requires that you take baby steps - even the smallest bits of progress still move you forward. Do what you can manage. If all you can do today is walk up and down the hallways of your apartment building and go back inside, then that’s what you need to do. 

Manage your expectations. If you’re prone to isolating yourself in response to social pressure, then you may need to come to terms with the fact that having a high-stress, high-power career and bustling social calendar might not be in the cards for you. It’s believed that many people become hikikomori in the first place after experiencing a significant life setback or failure, or simply becoming overwhelmed by pressure and high expectations of themselves. Recovering from this state may require that you seriously reflect and reconsider your definition of what it means to be “successful” - returning to a “normal” life may require that you dial back your expectations and aim for a quieter, low-stress lifestyle. 

Avoid having “zero days”. Mental health journeys are not linear. You will have good days, bad days and backslides. One of the keys to moving forward, however, is to avoid having “zero” days - days where you don’t many any progress at all. Set yourself at least one tiny, manageable goal per day and achieve it - this could be something as small as getting dressed, sending a text message, or setting foot outside your front door. Try to do at least one tiny thing every single day that you wouldn’t have done in the midst of your isolation. 

Be honest with your friends. One of the hardest parts of hikikomori is that it tends to eventually result in the loss of most or all of your friendships. You can only ignore people’s calls for so long before they start to assume that the friendship is over and move on with their lives. If you’ve been isolating yourself for a long time, there’s a good chance that you’ve lost touch with all the people who were once important to you, and it can be hard to know what to say to those people, or even to know if those relationships can be salvaged. Reach out to your old friends and let them know what you’ve been going through. You’d be surprised at how understanding people can be, and there’s a good chance that your old friends miss you. You’re going to have a much better chance at rekindling an old friendship than you are at starting a totally new one with a stranger, especially early on. 

It might also be helpful to look online for mental health support groups, especially groups for people who are also trying to recover from long periods of isolation, depression, low functioning or agoraphobia. Even if other people’s experiences aren’t an exact match for yours, it can helpful to see how other people have tackled their recovery journeys, and trade helpful tips. 

Best of luck to you!

[macgyvermedical]

3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate is My New Favorite Chemical Weapon, A “Mason+Cable+Choices” Medical Review

This episode. This freaking episode.

First of all, Charlie Robinson, who I really thought was going to stick around in this version of the series after he survived his first episode, had to go and become the instrument to someone else’s revenge scheme. We also got to see a relatively hard side of Mac in the interrogation room, and I’m not sure whether to applaud it as character development or feel like they’re going too dark.

From a medical and whump standpoint, this episode sure has a lot of things covered- the gunshot wound, the neck needle, the 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning (Yay!), the heart needle/antidote, and the toxic smoke. I'm warning you now, most of this review is about the 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning.

The Gunshot Wound

Honestly, there’s not a lot to be said about the gunshot wound- it was to the outside of Charlie’s thigh, so while it would have been painful and probably would have bled some (the duct tape wouldn’t have helped stop the bleeding) it probably wouldn’t have been enough to really threaten his life. If he hadn’t later plummeted to his death, he might have needed some antibiotics, professional medical attention, and physical therapy.

Neck Needles

Neck needles aren’t a thing, but I’ve talked about those in previous posts.

3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate Poisoning

Oh hey look, we’re already at 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate poisoning! And fam? this is where I really did my research.

If you’ve been on this blog long enough you know I like my chemical weapons. Not in a “kill everyone” way but in more of a “strong academic interest I may one day write a thesis about” way. And man, do I love having access to an academic library again. Whoo buddy. This was fun.

In the episode, Mason uses a chemical weapon called 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate (also noted in the episode as “BZ”), smuggled in a false tooth, to subdue Mac before making his escape from the interrogation room. The tooth contains QNB  in an aerosol form, which when released forms a visible cloud in the room. Mac breathes the aerosol, which appears to instantly paralyze or possibly sedate him, while Mason takes advantage of the small amount of uncontaminated air in Mac’s water bottle before making his escape up the air vent. A security team makes their way to Mac, Desi calls for a med team, and Mac is revived with an antidote delivered by a needle straight to his heart.

When someone mentions chemical weapons, most people think of mustard gas or nerve agents. But poisons designed to torture and kill people aren’t the only things that fall into the category of chemical weapons. In fact, there’s a whole class of them, called “incapacitants” that are specifically designed to take people out of commission without a high risk of death or permanent disability. 

Let me just say, Jim Adler is a writer after my own heart. He wrote both this episode and “Mac+Fallout+Jack” and considering both were absolutely gut-wrenching and contained reasonable choices of incapacitating agents, I really, really appreciate what he’s done for the canon. He didn’t get everything right here (*cough cough* neck and heart needles *cough cough*), but he clearly understands enough about drugging people to buy some literary license. Not all of it, but some.

Now, as I’ve talked about in other posts, drugging people into unconsciousness isn’t a particularly safe thing to do. Unconscious people can’t protect their airway, and most drugs that render people unconscious significantly impact their respiratory rate, blood pressure, or both. Unless the party doing the drugging is prepared to devote at least one trained person to monitoring and management of the drugged individual, there’s a chance that person could suffocate and die. Paralytic agents have a lot of the same issues.

This becomes even more problematic if you’re trying to incapacitate multiple people. Case in point- in 2002 a small group of Chechan rebels held over a 1,000 Russian civilians hostage in a theater in Moscow. After several days, in order to end the stand-off, Russian military personnel used what was probably an aerosalized opioid* to render everyone in the building unconscious. They then stormed the building and rescued the hostages. Unfortunately, even though antidotes were available and used, about 1 out of every 10 hostages ended up dying due to the mass drugging, which didn’t win any PR points for the use of incapacitating agents.

But if you get just slightly more creative, sedation and paralysis are not the only two ways to drug enemy combatants into uselessness. Turns out, a variety of hallucinogens and deliriants can achieve the same goal without the same risk of death by suffocation. If you can get someone to a state where they can’t remember what they’re doing or perform basic skills like reading or decision making, they can’t easily attack and kill your own personnel.

This is where 3-quinuclidinyl benzilate, (NATO code BZ, US Army code EA-2277, Soviet code Substance 78, and usually referred to as “QNB” in medical circles) starts to stand out. QNB is a deliriant and hallucinogen. Now, there are lots of drugs that fall into these categories- think LSD, ketamine, PCP, and atropine to name a few. QNB works very similarly to atropine, by selectively blocking the action of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine (think the opposite of a nerve agent), but with significantly more of its action concentrated around the mind-altering side-effects. It’s also safer, hardier, more versatile, and has a more ideal onset and duration of action.

The typical course of incapacitation with QNB involves:

An initial period of progressively worsening anxiety, restlessness, and confusion

A period of extreme drowsiness

Finally, more confusion, an inability to perform simple tasks, difficulty with movement, hallucinations, and bizarre behaviors including picking at things, which all gradually wane over the course of 2-4 days.

Here are some reasons QNB stands out as a particularly effective incapacitant (and all the ways the episode ignored them):

The first is therapeutic index. A drug’s therapeutic index is the difference between its effective dose and it’s toxic dose. If we say a drug has a “narrow” therapeutic index, that means there’s a very small difference between an effective dose and a toxic one, while a “wide” therapeutic index means that the two doses are very different. When drugging someone without their knowledge, no matter how you’re delivering the drug, it’s really hard to estimate the actual ingested dose. Because of this, you want the widest possible range of effective-but-not-deadly doses you can have- the best drugs for mass druggings are those with the widest possible therapeutic indices.

QNB happens to have a very wide therapeutic index compared to other possibilities for incapacitants. The lowest effective dose is about 150 micrograms, while a toxic dose is more than 650 times that at about 100 miligrams. In small doses, the drug doesn’t last as long and causes more sedating vs delirious effect, but is still very useful in lowering the effectiveness of an enemy force.

The second is its options for route and availability in an environment. How any drug is given is referred to the route of administration. These can include:

PO (oral- taken as a pill or liquid)

IV (intravenous- injected into a vein)

IM (intramuscular- injected into a muscle)

SC (subcutaneous- injected into fat)

IO (intrasseous- injected into a bone in an emergency)

Inhaled (breathed and absorbed through blood vessels in the lungs)

PR (rectal- given rectally)

Transdermal (absorbed through the skin)

Most drugs work best when administered a certain way, and some may only be produced for use by a certain route. Some, like ketamine or LSD, can’t be absorbed in the stomach, so giving them orally doesn’t work (LSD “tabs” are actually absorbed through the mucous membrane in the mouth). QNB’s advantage is that it can be given by any route. You want to drug food or drink? It works. Aerosolize it and pump it into the air? Also works. Inject it IM, SC, or IV? Yes but you might have to answer some questions. Coat something like a doorknob? It goes through skin too!

QNB is particularly suited as an aerosol, not because it readily evaporates, but because it’s odorless. No one would even know they were breathing it until it started working, and even then, they might not know what happened. It also stays in the environment for a long time- up to several weeks depending on conditions- and can survive extreme heat without degrading, so it could be disbursed via explosive (LSD would not survive). Bottom line, everyone that came into that room to rescue Mac was contaminated, probably enough to cause them problems. Also, so was Mason, so take that as you will.

The third is the drug’s onset and duration of action. In the episode Mac is almost instantly incapacitated when the spray hits his face. This is not how any drug works (even via the IV route, the quickest-onset drugs still take at least 15-30 seconds to be felt), but particularly not QNB. QNB has an onset time of about an hour, no matter the route. This is actually beneficial to the drug’s original purpose- if no one shows symptoms from drugging with an odorless aerosol until an hour after exposure, there’s no way to take protective measures. Suddenly everyone’s hallucinating and can’t do basic math. Sucks for that attack plan you were working on.

The fourth and final benefit that QNB provides is both it’s lack of (specific) antidote and the fact that there are no lasting effects. Some people point to physostigmine as a possible antidote, but it’s not perfect and has some incapacitating side effects of its own. As incapacitation with QNB is generally not life threatening, it’s probably better for most people to be cared for in a safe place and ride out the effects. Since it’s also not a carcinogen or mutagen, once the effects subside, there shouldn’t be any additional problems.

Phew. Okay.

Heart Needles

I swear I’ve talked about heart needles before, but I’ll do it again since it hasn’t been recently. In the episode, Mac is injected with an antidote directly into his heart. Now, like we said before, using an antidote wouldn’t really help him much, and its not really necessary. He’s just gonna have to ride it out (I don’t make the rules...).

But they chose to do it, so we should talk about it- in the pre-CPR era, intracardiac injections represented the only way of getting emergency medications like epi to the heart in the case of cardiac arrest. As late as 1992, there were still some groups advocating for it if the patient was in asystole (flatline) and IV or IO access couldn’t be obtained. Mac has excellent veins if I do say so myself, and he also wasn’t coding, so there’s no reason for this to have been a thing in the episode. It’s also never used today.

Also, I’m going to be particularly disappointed if that was just a callback to the similarly inaccurate Pulp Fiction scene. Because this show has already used epi to counter an acetylcholine-based problem, and you already only get to do that once. EPINEPHRINE IS NOT AN ALL-PURPOSE ANTIDOTE.

Jim Adler based on your other work I have to assume you know better.

Also it’s late and I’m not talking about the toxic smoke. See my many posts on cyanide and some time in the future come read my post on carbon monoxide.

*According to the book Chemical Warfare: Secrets Almost Forgotten by James Ketchum, who did a lot of the initial research on chemical incapacitants. Other sources reference the drug used as anything from traditional nerve agents to QNB itself, but the onset times and symptoms initially reported seem to match up better with an opioid than QNB.

R E F E R E N C E S

Awl - X-Ray + Penny - Duct Tape + Jack - CD + Hoagie Foil - Guts + Fuel + Hope - Wilderness + Training + Survival - Father + Bride + Betrayal - Lidar + Rogues + Duty - Nightmares - Seeds + Permafrost + Feather - Friends + Enemies + Border -

[biohackerblogger-blog]

Biohacking and Science: A solution for most of your problems

In this article I’m going to be discussing biohacking—what it is and the different aspects of human biology an individual can improve (or “hack”, if you want to call it that) to optimise their life and cognition. In the next blog I’ll discuss the specific improvements I’ve made in my life and their scientific justifications—with an in-depth focus on nutrition, supplementation and cognitive-enhancement.

Biohacking as defined by merriam-webster is “biological experimentation done to improve the qualities or capabilities of living organisms especially by individuals and groups working outside a traditional medical or scientific research environment”.

While that sounds dramatic, the term could also be described as do-it-yourself biology—making small, incremental changes to your diet, habits and life to optimise your cognition and life expectancy. This hobby likely originated in Silicon Valley, a place popular in many trendy self improvement hacks: The keto diet, intermittent fasting and microdosing to name a few.

We are living in an era of excess. Western supermarkets are packed full of processed, sugary, fatty products that people cling to as comfort food. Social media and smartphones have been tweaked to be as addictive as possible. Even television has been replaced by on-demand streaming services that provide countless hours of mindless oblivion to addicted viewers—so much so that “binge-watching” is now a recognized term in many dictionaries. This combination and more has led to the shortening of the average attention span.

Coincidentally, it feels like every other person in recent generations seems to suffer from some form of ADHD, depression or other mental health issues.

Me, technically a part of generation z, am no exception.

I’ve been an underperformer most of my school career, with every parent-teacher meeting ending the same way: “Alexandru is a very bright boy but he doesn’t seem to be reaching his potential in class.”

I daydreamed, lost focus often and was often unmotivated when tackling complex tasks. My mom has practiced psychiatry for 2 decades and during my last year of high school I saw one of her colleagues who eventually diagnosed me with ADHD.

This shook me. I had believed that I was just a lazy person, not working hard enough but now this doctor was basically telling me that it wasn’t my fault; That I had a learning disability that would always put me at a disadvantage to other “functional” people.

As I made my way through university the same issues kept coming up over and over again and I started feeling hopeless. Medication seemed to act as a bandaid on the problem, working as intended inconsistently. Is this what the rest of my life was gonna be like?—Craving achievement while lacking the motivation to acquire it?

Nahhhh, I wasn’t going to let some abstract diagnosis prevent me from prospering in life.

Enter biohacking:

In my spare time at uni I began researching ways of “curing” my ADHD. The goal: Improving my attention, motivation and cognition anyway I could. I’m a scientist, so it only made sense to solve my problems with science. Little did I know I wasn’t so much as curing a disorder as I was just finding ways to optimise my life using scientific knowledge. I tried different lifestyle changes and recorded the positive benefits of each one—Basically running my own scientific experiments on a sample size of 1. Biohacking is basically tweaking your biology to improve your life.

Diet

As I mentioned before, supermarkets today are full of horrible, delicious processed food. It’s expensive eating healthy and it’s difficult to resist the allure of a greasy portion of chips. Regardless, I think a large percentage of the population seriously underestimate how much your diet impacts your day-to-day life as a human being. A heavily debated study found that judges tended to give harsher sentences just before lunch due to hunger (This study has argued about for years). If even people who practice being impartial for a living are at the mercy of their own biology—that means so are you.

Your body is a complex machine, requiring certain amounts of macronutrients (protein, carbs, fats) and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals) to carry out all of it’s processes efficiently. If any of these numbers are skewed, the machine won’t run smoothly. You can optimise your diet in a number of ways depending on your goals, but the FDA and similar organizations provide recommendations as to how much of each nutrient an average individual requires in a day.

Many of the micronutrients have important roles in our day-to-day lives which becomes apparent when we are deficient. Magnesium plays a huge role in good-quality sleep while vitamin D is important for healthy bones and mood. The world health organisation provides guidelines for what they consider a healthy diet which contains healthy doses of all these nutrients. Obviously, we’re human, not superhuman and we can’t always have a perfect diet all the time. There’s no shame in supplementing your diet artificially, just don't use pills as a replacement for healthy eating habits. Getting blood work done can help you identify which vitamins and minerals you're deficient to inform your dietary changes or supplement purchases.

If you're looking to improve cognition, omega-3 fatty acids are a well-researched staple supplement that is found in high quantities in fish. I could write a whole article on cognitive enhancement and supplements—so I’ll save it for the next one.

If weight loss is your goal maybe consider reading up on the science of the keto diet (a fat heavy diet that pushes metabolism into burning fat) or experimenting with alternative eating habits like intermittent fasting. Hell, I hear great things about going vegan nowadays and you’d be saving the environment while you’re at it.

Play around with it, optimise it for your goals and give supplements a try.

Exercise

The NHS recommends 75-150 minutes of exercise a week for the average individual. Obesity continues to be a huge issue in this country and others so more still needs to be done to encourage public fitness. It seems that many people make the mistake of thinking of exercise as a distraction from more important things like careers and making money, especially as they get older. They say they’re simply too busy and can’t find the time but in reality they’re decreasing their potential to excel in other aspects of their lives. There’s no point in making money if you’re too fat and achy to enjoy spending it.

Exercise is important. As Socrates eloquently puts it:

“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

Deep.

Endorphins produced by exercise  make us feel great, we sleep better, we have more energy, we are more engaged with our work—Not a whole lot of downsides. For men in particular weight training is a very well-researched method or raising testosterone levels. A hormone my generation seems to be in significant lack of but in need of due to its important properties. Testosterone has anxiolytic properties, lubricates social interactions and is involved in providing an array of physical health benefits too.

Exercise is free, there are no downsides and a plethora of benefits. It doesn’t so much matter what type of exercise you’re doing so much as you’re doing it on a regular basis. It will suck, especially if you’re not accustomed to regular exercise but once you make it a habit (takes around 21 days to make something a habit), you’ll stop thinking about it and it’ll happen automatically.

Biohacking sure sounds a lot like self-improvement eh?

Sleep

In today’s day and age a good night’s sleep has become a rare treat. It’s like taking a gamble every night and hoping you wake up rested. As a student studying in the UK, I feel like I’m probably the most qualified person to say that. Sleep is very important for humans as pretty much all of our physical processes are regulated to some extent by our biological clock. A clock set by our circadian rhythm (Aka sleep cycle). Small perturbations to our sleep can seriously knock our daily rhythm out of line. Memories are written into your long term memory, waste products are flushed from the brain and the body readies itself for the new day. Everyone is aware their performance drops after a poor night’s sleep.

Here are some things you can do:

Humans need to go through about 4-6 sleep cycles per night to function adequately.

                          Sleep cycle = 90 minutes +/-                  5 * 90m = 7.5 hours

Try to wake up after sleeping a multiple of 90 minutes. If you wake up during the middle of a cycle you’re more likely to feel groggy. 6 hours, 7.5 or 9 hours between bed and wake are what you’re looking for.

Avoid blue light before bed. I’m sure you’ve already heard this one but blue light from screens inhibits sleep. Try a blue light filter on your laptop—Flux is the free one I use and recommend.

Avoiding caffeine, sugar and carbs before bed works wonders for your sleep. A magnesium supplement does too.

Going to bed and waking up at the same time consistently will make sleeping easy and soon your whole body will adjust itself to the routine. The human body loves routine.

Anything else worth mentioning

Yes, meditation is a big one. Specifically mindfulness. If you haven’t already been preached to on the internet about the numerous benefits of meditation, it seems to improve pretty much everything about people.—The ultimate meta-habit for improving all aspects of living. It shows promise in ameliorating depressive symptoms, anxiety, self-control and a lot more.

The mobile app headspace provides a great starting point and for those that want a challenge and want to try their hand at a monk’s life check out Vipassana meditation. Their free week-long retreats are a crash course in mindfulness with lifelong benefits. I tried one this summer and was convinced it was a cult for the first 3 days.

I’ve seen huge improvement in my life after I started applying science to fix my problems. I hope I’ve managed to give an effective overview of my experience in biohacking and given you some well-researched places to get started. If you have a biological background I think it’s a shame not to use that background to optimise your life in every way you can.

Thanks for reading,

Alex

P.S. here’s a short rant:

I think (not all, but a lot) of the recent diagnoses of ADHD and depression could be “cured” by not treating it as an isolated malady caused by some bad genes and poor luck—but as a culmination of lifestyle choices and habits that could be improved upon. Exercise and diet should be the FIRST CHOICE intervention when it comes to treating things like ADHD and depression.

I believe diet and exercise should always precede a chemical solution to these ailments. There are hundreds of supplements and activities that have proven psychological benefits that could hugely benefit humans. Thanks again.