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fengreyfront · 8 years ago

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‘Touch’ Reflections - p.1

Hello. Here’s the commentary as stated in the author’s note in the final part of Touch. If you have not yet read the update, please do so first before reading this because there are spoilers - and please do leave a review on your way out as well, if it’s not too much trouble. [FF.net | AO3]

There’s a lot here that my brain needed to vomit out because I’ve thought of this fic every single damn day since I started it (11 months almost), so it’s very much on my mind, still. I needed a place to explain stuff, and to get these final thoughts out, and honestly, to vent, before I jump ship. So, I’ve split it into two posts, because it’s kind of long and I’m sure some people don’t care too much to read about what’s in part 2 (it’ll be writing tips, and venting).

Here in part 1, I explain my mentality when writing the characters to give some context, and also in the hopes that it might be able to help other writers to begin to think in such a way, if they seek to characterize similarly. I also just give you a run down of the epilogue I was going to write (which I will not be writing).

So, let’s discuss:

Eremika Character Study in Touch (Characterization decisions, and stuff about Teh Sex, you pervs)

Epilogue Summary

Follow Up One-Shot Summary

Eremika Character Study in Touch

Eren:

Wasn’t easy getting into Eren’s head from a romantic perspective, because we have no data/experiences canonically to go off of. So, I built this fic around wanting to delve into how he might actually handle this kind of situation.

I’d like to bring up this review here that sort of disagreed with my interpretation of him, to point out why I wrote him how I did:

I agree wholeheartedly that Eren is brash and doesn’t think things through before acting. But, the entire focus of the fic is to show how he is forced to veer from that way of thinking. It’s about him discovering a new side of himself, and having to go through complicated “uncharted territory”. The uncharted territory is really everything that is new to him in this fic - the situation with Mikasa, him having to discover what he wants after everything is over (I’m pretending chapter 88 never happened, or an antidote has been discovered, ssshh), him experiencing completely new feelings, etc.

I believe that Eren acts without thinking things through because he instantly makes a snap decision about them, and then acts on that initial reaction. That’s why in part 1, he pushed and pushed and pushed Mikasa into spitting out a confession-because he didn’t think beyond the shallow goal of ‘I want her to say what she’s hiding because she looks upset and I feel bad’.

But after she kisses him, Eren does not have a clear cut “YES/NO” initial reaction, and therefore has nothing to act in response to. He was confused. He didn’t have an immediate response, yet his body told him he wanted to kiss her more; he wants to focus solely on his mission, yet he keeps dreaming about having a future with her. It’s not easy stuff to grapple with.

I think it’s also important to note that, it is easy to act without thinking when anger is your driving force. For example, the sole goal he has built his life around is driven by this anger. A titan killed his mom. Titans impede humanity’s freedom. Titans = bad. He is angry about these things. Therefore, titans must be destroyed. Pretty straightforward.

But here, we have Mikasa, someone he cares deeply about - someone who is his family, someone who has stood by him through thick and thin, and someone who almost died for him, in the context of this fic. Their connection is special. What he has with her, he has with no one else.

Naturally, when someone you care this deeply about essentially tells you they’re in love with you, and you’ve never ONCE had thought that way about them, or even had a clue they felt that way about you… things can get complicated. For the first time, he finds himself in a situation where he can’t necessarily act without thinking, because he actually cares about her, and his answer will affect their relationship in the long term. It’s delicate.

So, his personality trait of acting on a snap decision collides with his caring for Mikasa, which collides with his confusion about thinking of her in more than platonic ways, which collides with him not wanting to ruin things, which collides with him wanting to focus on titans, which collides with his inability to work properly, etc. There’s just a lot of internal conflict going on for Eren, and that is why he acts the way he does in this fic. He is stumped, until he isn’t.

Mikasa

I wrote her as selfless as I believe her to be, canonically. She places her love for Eren, and her relationship with him - even if platonic - above all else, which is why she is so quick to descend into self-loathing at revealing her feelings. She fears she has lost him, so she is okay with swallowing her pride and shoving away her dreams of marital bliss with him, and is almost desperate to revert to how things were. But, goodness, even she is human, and having the person you’re in love with be so fickle, and ignore you, then give you attention, then be unable to give you a straight answer when you simply ask “yo is it cool if we stay in each other’s lives like before ‘cuz you’re important to me?” Well. I imagine that gets to a person.

During part 4, we see her selflessness come into play for the first half pre-sexytime. She kind of just lets all that tension go because he seems cray cray, so she puts him first. And then I thought, it’s kind of a relief to her that he’s alright with going to her for such things. She starts to think things are getting back to normal - that he’s alright with touching her and changing her bandages, and confiding in her, like old times.

And then he shows his guilt, which she hates, because she blames herself for everything of course, and suddenly he’s going “yea well sorry I can’t forget about that thing u did and things actually can’t go back to normal >:|”, so of course she gets confused and insecure because the dude seems totally off his rocker.

But then he tries to make out with her?! Like wtf Eren. And of course she’s been in love with him for a decade now, so she can’t help herself, because the love of her life essentially just served himself to her on a silver platter - but she backs away and kind of catches herself and rejects it because she believes that it’s too good to be true T____T. She believes he’s acting purely out of guilt and obligation, because despite being a loudmouth, Eren is extremely pure of heart. She believes he’s confusing his general caring for her with that guilt, and wanting to make up for it by just telling her what she wants to hear - which he of course shuts down by showing her that he desires her. Through the touchings.

Aaaand, that’s a nice segue - let’s delve a little more into my character study of them with our favorite topic, because let’s face it, you’re all pervs :)

Teh Sex. (some crass talk here...)

[...] touch conveyed all that he could not say. Touch was the language they both understood best, ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’, ‘I trust you’, and ‘this is for you, only you’, told in kisses and skin on skin and shared, drunken gazes.

This is the point of this fic. This is why they haves the sex.

You see, it’s easy to write sex between two people. It’s a pretty straightforward biological process - you can read a lot of erotica, watch some porn to get a visual idea of it, and then practice writing until you write sexy sex, and it’ll probably come out nice.

But, just writing sexy sex was not my goal here, as I just stated. I wanted this to be Eremika-specifc sex. I wanted the way they led into/have sex to demonstrate their personalities as well.

Before blocking out how they were going to do it, I knew I wanted to have this moment right before it, and this was very important to me - I wanted Eren to realize he was in love with her, right after she almost ripped his dick off.

Because it says, so much on both ends - and I think I was explicit about this in the fic. It shows Mikasa’s personality - well-meaning, yet sometimes takes things a little too far. It show’s Eren’s personality - acting out immediately, then getting tripped up when faced with a deluge of feelings, yet again.

And then it also shows the extent of his love for her. He does not love being physical with just anyone, he loves the act because he loves the person he is with, so much that he appreciates near-dismemberment because it’s such a her-specific thing to have happen.

Fear of having your dick ripped off during sex isn’t a normal thing - nor is realizing you’re in love with the person that nearly initiated the ripping off of said dick. This moment is extremely unique to them.

Here are some other moments where I wanted their personalities to shine - pardon my crass and graphic manner of speech for the next few bullet points:

Eren, being incapable of verbalizing his feels, communicates them to her by kissing her to death (which ends up being quite persuasive, as we later see)

Mikasa being an extremely quick learner, and a natural. In… everything. After Eren schools her in, “Oh. This is what happens to a penis when X, Y and Z occurs,” she brushes off the nerves and dives head first, and applies this knowledge right away, expertly. This, plus her general eagerness to please Eren, is why she begins to dry hump him, why she is always reaching for his dick after the fact, how she is able to learn how to ride him like a pro very quickly.

When Mikasa tries to grab Eren’s dick after they dry hump, he kind of bats her away and takes the lead. It’s him trying to be alpha, for once - but not out of insecurity. Rather, he wants to show his gratitude in a big way, so he goes down on her. AAAYYYY! THANK YOU EREN. LORD KNOWS MIKASA ACKERMAN DESERVES THIS. AND HE MADE HER ORGASM. SHE DESERVES IT FOR EVERYTHING SHE HAS DONE FOR THIS DWEEB. GET. IT. GURL. In this moment, and when they are actually having sex, you see Eren’s ego and pride showing every time he does something right, and it makes him want to impress and show off and please more. Though he is heavily invested in pleasing her because he loves her, her positive reactions are also kind of a compliment. Every moan is like a, “Yo, nice job! Keep up the good work!”, and being able to give her an orgasm is like someone threw him a congratulations party because dudes typically cannot do that LOL - especially right off the bat (I was going to reference that he heard this through bunker talk, but wound up not doing so). It’s also a testament to how good he is at reading her, and how well he knows her, too, since he listens keenly and observes her reactions and learns from those.

Mikasa ended up on top, because, duh. She’s Mikasa. While Eren initiated, she was the one to lead the way and push - she is the one that escalated things further each time. She took the initiative to do so. And Eren - having grown from his smol “ROAR I WANNA BE THE LEADER” phase, and being in love with this woman - is more than okay with her taking the lead. Acceptance is such a huge theme in this fic, and everything in this part is basically him being like, “I’m gonna show my woman how amazing I think she is,” and, “Yeah. My woman is amazing and outshines me in every way. I’m just gonna go on ahead and let her be amazing.”

I remember quite fondly that an anon once asked “when Mikasa would ride Eren into the sunset.” Well, she did, my friend. She did. Which is why I put in details that probably went unnoticed - that the force of her hips when she was in control was basically so powerful that the mattress was curving under him with each thrust (almost like she was trying to imprint his ass into the mattress), and the bed frame was arockin’ with how hard she was riding him.

And you know. Eren taking control at the end and her being okay with it and just going along with it. They’re just super in sync and communicative without saying anything.

And side note - Um. I know there was that whole debacle with Grisha’s diq and Eren’s potentially inherited “endowment”, but idk man. Perhaps length wise he’s not a stunner, but in my mind, and in this fic, he’s a girth guy, hence why Mikasa struggled bit. Okay, listen, don’t judge me, one inevitably thinks of such details when trying to figure out a sex scene over the span of several months you don’t know how much I’ve thought of everything good lord

Anyways - coming back out of this vulgar talk, I know I upped the fluff factor there towards the end. Because I honestly think that’s how they could be, once the ice was broken - once they realized that there was a more pleasant and light dimension to being open and honest with one another, and being able to experience something so special with one another.

I was weary about the ending being too cute - nervous about making Mikasa smile or laugh, but the more I thought of it, the more okay I was with the idea, because, dude she just had sex with Eren Jaeger, guy she has loved since she was a wee little lass, and he is giving her affection and attention and also an orgasm!!!! Of course she’d be over the moon. If there was anything that would be able to make that girl who is normally deadpan begin to tell jokes and smile, it is certainly these things.

Epilogue Summary

I will not be writing it, so here is the summary:

The next day, Eren and Mikasa are having breakfast with Armin, who is giving both of them the eye. They act normal and are essentially back to their old selves, though they both look super sleep deprived. Armin of course throws in a clever line of questioning that makes them both sweat. Even though they evade his questions, Armin passes this specific mug of tea over to Mikasa and tells her to drink it, and Eren asks what it is. Armin doesn’t give a straight answer- gives a shitty excuse and says it’s just to celebrate them making up, specifying it’s for Mikasa only, and Eren asks why he can’t have any, and Armin doesn’t explain, and they get into a cute back and forth (Armin basically telling Eren he was a bitch to Mikasa - in different words of course), but then Eren tries to drink some anyways and Armin’s like “NOOO” and all panicky, then Eren’s like “wtf”. And Armin gets really, really serious and just firmly insists Mikasa drink it.

So, Eren and Mikasa get silent, and Mikasa obeys. While she is drinking, Armin finally says something very quietly, along the lines of, “Mikasa should take it because I’m not ready to be an uncle yet”, causing her to choke on her drink, and causing Eren to shit himself (not literally). Armin implies that the tea is essentially plan b (an idea borrowed from a z.utara fic-“The Sparrowkeet Series” if you’re a fan of the ship, it’s highly recommended-where some sort of tea had this effect), at which Eren and Mikasa turn red and die forever about because 1) Armin knows; 2) they wonder who else knows; 3) Oh my god Armin knows. He mentions that Sasha had told him about them. Armin had actually assumed they were fighting/talking things over/nothing sexy was going down, though Sasha implied there were sexy things happening. Armin did not believe it, so he came by to check on them, and heard moaning, and immediately turned away.

There was going to be more to it, but I never finished thinking it over, since I decided just not to add it on. But there ya go.

Did you really think I would let them have unprotected sex (who knows how many more times after she got him some bread) without thinking of the consequences? Of course I had to think about these things - Mikasa can’t go off getting preg when there’s so much at stake.

Follow Up One-Shot Summary

A reader expressed disappointment that Eren did not say “I love you.”

I wrote this fic knowing that I did not want him to utter the words “I love you”. The entire point of the fic was to show that these words could be communicated through action, and would be understood by both without having to be said. Again - my whole take on Eren is that he has to do this whole new mushy feelings thing in baby steps. Being able to admit these things to himself and show them is huge. He’s an action guy, more than a flowery words guy.

That being said, I originally had planned to write an off-shoot one-shot to follow up the fic. It was going to be super smutty (and knowing me, probably ridiculously long). The plot was centered around Eren finally saying “I love you”, and the weird way it happens. Per above, he’s an action dude. So him SAYING sappy stuff is HUGE. I thought exploring why he felt compelled to say the words, how/why it happened, and making that situation believable, would be interesting to write about. I also wanted to try my hand at writing some lighter stuff, so it was gonna be more comical than dramatic (though I am the number one lover of angst, do not get me wrong).

However, I won’t be writing this anymore, so here is the summary (somewhat M-rated) - He and Mikasa are basically at it like bunnies all the time (typically what happens when you’re freshly in a relationship with the love of your life) and he finds himself distracted because he can’t stop wanting to do stuff with her. So he avoids her for a while, but doesn’t want to talk about it. Then, tired of the same old shit again, Mikasa confronts him about it by dragging him into a closet and pulling his pants down and giving him some amazing head (first time she will have done that, but obvs she’s brilliant at it because she’s Mikasa). Post-BJ, while she is awkwardly drinking water and still sort of annoyed with him for being distant, he stares at her and has this drawn out thought process and suddenly blurts it.

And then more stuff happens. I didn’t get that far in my thought process.

And yeah. That’s it. Part 2 will be up next week.

#touch #eremika

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