#anti kevin keller

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S7 E14 (Chapter 131) Archie the Musical

Well, this was fascinating. Do feel free to skip directly to the read-more which has the recap proper, because this next bit is a preamble. 

I always wonder about the urge of actors and people who work with actors to create situations in which the actors have to put on performances within performances.   At worst, it can get very navel-gazing, vain and shallow, but a lot of the time, if you can forgive performers for being too fascinated by themselves, the actual task of putting on the performance within a performance, where there’s a character who doesn’t know they’re a character in the show you (the audience member) are watching but IS aware that they’re pretending to be a character in a show that they know is a fictional creation seems really hard.  The task that the makers of Riverdale set for the actors of Riverdale in this episode is all that, squared, and it was very fun to watch.  Oh, and I’m a big fan of  this show, in an unironic, unabashed way, and I genuinely think a lot of these actors are actually very gifted as actors and putting on intentional, deliberate performances using their gifts, so take that under advisement as well.  

The musical opens with an alarm and just no preamble of any kind whatsoever.  Archie is singing a song from the literal second he wakes up.  Season 7 Archie has been Archie without the darkness and pain and sexuality that made him so fascinating to Jughead in all previous seasons to begin with, but in this opening sequence Season 7 Archie is fully a Classic (as opposed to Renaissance or Modern era) Disney princess.  He’s SO innocent and SO wholesome.  It’s very jarring.

“Why is life so cruel” he sings as he puts on clothes and says things like “same old teachers yapping in our ears!”

This song is extremely untuneful.  It’s a bad song.  This sounds like something I would sing at a passing street cat when I am wobbling home from having too many soju-beer mixes after dinner.   And Archie insincerely ‘selling’ it  makes it so much more awkward.

Very confusingly, Archie says it’s his Senior year as he waves out his window at Betty, who apparently has been standing there fully dressed in her perfect pink outfit watching him get up out of bed and into clothes this whole time.  If I wasn’t getting over Covid which I’ve caught later than literally everyone else this would’ve been the first valuable hint, but instead what I thought was, Oh this is the musical episode with a cold open AND a time jump?  Because they weren’t seniors yet last episode right?

Archie, who has never once been shown doing this, is waiting for her outside her door. They do this Singing in the Rain type of box step around each other before they skip off to school smiling entirely too much. It’s very surreal watching two characters repeatedly presented as All American being a parody of the All American concept.

Anyways, Betty takes over the song and she acts the most Un Betty-ish out of this whole season of being very unBetty.  She’s twirling around like she’s manic off of uppers, singing about how last year was “nothing but good times, nothing but fun ahead.” The net effect of this is very creepy and a lot scary. This is Betty Cooper as Alice Cooper always wants her to be. Betty, are you ok?!?  She starts hollering about how she’s “a model A student/ I’ll be perfect and prudent” and I totally feel like I’m having a stroke.  This is way worse than those NO She Would NOT Do That type of fanfics.

The first time I watched this episode I was already discombobulated by this time but the feeling became one of alarm when we moved on to Veronica.  Veronica is warbling about herself - she has “looks and style and brains and class” and “money? Well I do have a lot.”  I’m about to commit harakiri.  NO SHE WOULD NOT SAY THIS ABOUT HERSELF.    Veronica seems to be resisting the narrative because she addresses a free standing mirror as “mirror mirror on the shelf.”   She has a huge black and white actor profile type of photo of Archie stuck into her mirror.    She starts referencing designers that most definitely were not active in the 1950s (Versace, Prada, Klein).  

But I spoke far too soon about being scared of what’s going on in this opening sequence because the scariest is yet to come.  Jughead.  He’s apparently a super early rising morning person which - NO HE ISN’T. He’s fully dressed, seated at his desk, typing.   He’s singing. Is it because Jughead hasn’t sung much on this show that I am so scared of this or is this genuinely scary?  His eyes look totally crazed.   “Four years/ feels like I’ve done it before” he warbles.  He keeps smiling in a joyless way as he sings.  

He has a folder he shoves his morning pages into called “Genius Story Ideas” and after he chucks the paper in there he starts doing a solo dance sequence in front of his dog. It’s so bouncy, with big swinging motions.  This is so un-Jughead and I am very worried about him.  Jughead is apparently  done with summer school (when the hell did that happen?) so he can now take his place among his other classmates.  Then he finds a pizza box under his bed, looking absolutely maniacal.  

He’s doing a really alarming thing with his EYES.  Part of the reason that Jughead’s singing sequence is so scary is that he looks boyish  but his voice is all grown up, so the disconnect is very disconcerting. The other jarring element is that he is smiling like a Spearmint gum model  while singing this upbeat, chipper song, but his voice is much more indie-rock and melancholy.   

Next, he dance-steps his way into school carrying a cafeteria tray, accompanied by Ethel (looking great in a yellow and orange ensemble with green hints), Dilton and Ben.  He also makes up a word to rhyme with Sandwich (the last word of his song.).  Once again  - omg those maniacal googly EYES?   Jughead would never say “kicking back with my pals/ and finding myself.”   He keeps grinning as he swings his face from side to side except he’s not smiling AT anyone - he smiles at the back of a girl’s head after he grins at a shelf of trays.   He does a little twirl but he’s tense as fuck.  I feel like any second now he’s going to rip the skin off his own face using his fingernails.

Then comes the cheerleaders, followed by the basketball players.  

The cheerleaders seem very comfortable compared to Jughead. They have less to do in terms of choreo but they also don’t look terrified/ enraged.   The boys in particular line up to do a hip thrusting thing in formation in their short shorts.  They all pick up Reggie, and Julian and Fangs touch his chest.   This song will not end.  It’s just so untuneful!  It’s really hard to listen to the lyrics because I just find the notes so ugly.  Reggie however screams “I Rule Here!” as he sits on boys’ shoulders and once again - HE WOULD NOT DO THAT.  Not even S2-6 Reggie would be like this, and S7 1950s Reggie is too cautious and repressed to even think these thoughts.

The thing that upset me the most during my initial viewing, second only to Jughead tensely grinning away as he tried to sell his song like he was a child performer on High School Musical was that Julian Blossom is a natural performer.  Some people can sell any kind of choreography.  Like, even if the steps are objectively stupid the performer can elevate them to something charming or cute, even if they can’t fully dissipate the stupidity.  Julian is someone who can do this, and that surprised me. Why is the resident toxic masculinity jock a great musical theater performer?

Archie, Betty and Veronica drive up in his jalopy.  Suddenly everyone is congregating on the steps of the school main entrance.  Archie and Jughead finally act like they know each other - they give each other an extremely enthusiastic high five.   They’re all doing this super cheerful looking dance sequence, grinning ear to ear in bright sunshine and I feel like I really want to get on my knees and apologize to Roberto for complaining about all those times when the show was very murkily lit such that it was hard to see anything.   Watching all these people grinning is like watching those robotic children of the North Korean propaganda choirs, where the people have been perfectly trained to be more like animatronics than actual robots could ever be.   My eye keeps compulsively going to Jughead because he is completely not acting like himself.  LIke, Betty and Veronica and Toni and Cheryl and Clay and Archie all putting on their perfect Americana smiles, standing legs apart and arms spread in celebratory Vs - I can accept this.  JUGHEAD DOING THIS I CANNOT.  I keep wanting to reach into the screen to shake Jughead, to ask, Who is hurting you now?  What has happened??

And GUESS WHAT - it’s a fakeout.  

We finally get an explanation of what all this insanity was! In the ‘reality’ of S7 Riverdale, in the 1950s alternate universe, Kevin, who looks so pleased, calls out “Wow that was incredible!  Was that not so incredible, Clay?” 

Clay agrees with him because he’s not allowed to disagree with Kevin (The show posits that lovers can never actually disagree with each other, because that’s not what it means to be supportive, to disagree with your partner).

I hate Kevin so much, I have all season and this just seals the deal for me.  This musical sucks! Your song writing sucks!

And then the show does an about face and agrees with me, because all the ‘performers’ agree with me that this song was objectionable.   Clay and Kevin are in raptures about how fantastic it is, but everyone looks back at them with disagreement full on their faces.

Betty tactfully asks if the song they were all just forced to sing were written by the two boys.  That is, she wants to know how honest she’s going to be allowed to be about how much it sucks.   Unfortunately for her, Clay and Kevin did indeed write the song. This makes it so much more awkward for everyone to give their honest feedback.  Ethel, being the bravest girl in Riverdale and also someone who has recently not just seen the hacked-to-death corpses of her parents but also killed a man, tries first.  She says in a roundabout way that the song is too long and there are too many songs overall in the musical (“There’s a lot of music”) which is what you say when the material you’re given sucks ass.

Clay and Kevin, who are doing this because they’re finally allowed to put on a show that isn’t Oklahoma (which would have been a better choice because at minimum it comes with Agnes DeMille choreography and not the totalitarian cult dance that we just saw them all perform), take a very, very long time to realize that their cast actually doesn’t like the opening number very much. 

They’re both grinning ear to ear, exploding with joy, but nobody else looks even a little happy.  

Archie tries to object to the entire premise of the show, but because he’s not very bright he asks it in a dumb way: “Why are we playing seniors in the show? We’re juniors in real life.”

Kevin absolutely refuses to take the hint that not even Archie can stomach his songwriting, and gives a very pompous explanation about how Senior year is always a much better premise. 

Veronica tries to out theater-snob Kevin, since she knows a thing or two about putting on hideous musical numbers.  “Dramaturgically” is a word she wields like a weapon, to try to puncture Kevin’s ego-balloon.  Veronica asks  why it is she’s still ‘the new girl.’  She also directly criticizes the lyrical content - “Does that make sense?”

Kevin very slowly starts to realize they all totally hate it. 

Julian speaks up next.  He thinks he should be the lead because he’s the best singer (to which Midge says Fangs is the best singer) (which no, honey those are just your pregnancy hormones fucking up your brain) (And sorry for the string of parenthetical thoughts but JULIAN IS RIGHT. He IS the best performer -he looks intentional and natural singing and dancing.)  

Clay is as much of a bullshitting asswipe as Kevin (this is why they’re perfect for each other, I guess?) because he tells Julian that he’s Archie’s understudy in response to the bickering about who the ‘best’ singer is between Julian and Midge.   Actually the reason Julian isn’t the lead is because Kevin and Clay don’t like him as much, simply because he’s less likable, kind of a dick, but also Julian is very straight.  That is - the makers of this high school musical picked the boy they liked the most to be the lead, and they do not give a shit about meritocracy even for the purposes of putting on the best possible show.  

On the meta level though, this comment is very important for an analysis of this show   The redhead Blossom boy (previously Jason, now Julian) and Archie Andrews are often made to play oddly parallel parts to each other, so this is the show acknowledging this strange connection - that is, Jughead’s fantasies about Jason fueled S1 plot as much as his fantasies about Archie fuel the plot of the rest of the show;  Cheryl and Jason possibly probably had a (psycho)sexual something and in the wake of Jason’s death all the Blossoms tried to abduct Archie into their family; Archie became captain of the football team when Jason died and he became captain of the basketball team when Julian fell into a coma etc. 

Anyway, in answer to the two shitty songwriters’ arbitrary comment that Archie has to be the lead in the musical, the lesbians object immediately.  Cheryl and Toni in tandem state that a musical that’s “about all of them” can’t have Archie Andrews as the “main” character at the same time, and further, that they object to being relegated to ‘chorus’ girls in a male-centric narrative.  Yup.  Kevin the woman hating gay man would totally do this to women.

Sidebar - This is an interesting and visceral thing they keep doing with Kevin.  A man can be gay and be an enemy of women is the Kevin thesis.  Why it is that RAS, a gay man, keeps making his show make this point over and over in its final season?!

Anyway, Kevin and Clay continue to be dicks and also bad artists - they do not address any of the valid criticisms they are being given.  In response to “why is there a white straight male lead character when you (lied and) said the show was about all of us?” Kevin gives an insultingly condescending answer:  “You’ll have lines in the closing number.”

Way to miss the point, you git.

The untalented gay musical theater duo try to sell the finale of the musical as happening at The Prom.

This idea is extremely exciting to Midge for some reason, but it takes Jughead completely out of the game.  “In my opinion there is no lower art form than American musical comedy,” he says, which is very funny because he is an active participant in another “low” art form - the American horror/underground comic books, and he is saying this on Riverdale the show on CW exported to Netflix which keeps getting pilloried for being ‘bad’ and ‘low culture’ by people who are not as sophisticated and artistic as me.  

Reggie immediately says that while he “has the looks for acting” he doesn’t want to do either singing or dancing.  

Taking a step away from episode recapping to note that the best way I’ve found to enjoy Riverdale is to assume that all the decisions being made on screen are deliberate and intentional.  All these people - the writers, the choreographer, the actors, the editors etc - have made every choice presented to me ON PURPOSE.  So Jughead looking scarily manic was a performance choice that the actor made which the lighting director chose to make highly visible which the director encouraged. That kind of hamfisted hamminess with its strange undergirding of anger is what Jughead the character thinks American musicals are like.  By the same token - the amiable ease of Archie and Betty’s performances was supposed to communicate their cooperative characters. 

Do you get me?  Jughead Jones looked awkward and insane during what we saw of his song and dance number because Jughead Jones the character felt awkward and insane doing the number. 

Kevin and Clay take the departure of Jughead and Reggie in stride, because their focus was always on Archie.   Archie, Julian - and in fact, everyone visible on the ‘performer’ side of the room look deeply unhappy. 

It’s time for Archie’s “I want song” which Julian has to participate in because he’s Archie’s understudy.   Archie still hates Julian.  He is only staying to spite Julian, and you have this hilarious spectacle of two hyper masculine jock boys competitively singing a really dorky, frankly effeminate I Want Song at each other, line by line.  Archie is a stiff-as-fuck musical performer. He doesn’t understand this musical, he doesn’t like its premise, and all of that comes through in his stiff performance as he tries to stay on the beat. (Archie elsewhere has given good singing performances where he wasn't stiff and awkward, so this is very deliberate for this particular episode.)

Julian has a beautifully modulated singing voice.  His motions are fluid and natural.  He even moves his EYEBROWS well. He sells the song. It … like- i can’t believe I’m saying this - it sounds good when he sings it. Tuneful and catchy and everything.    Julian is elevating Kevin’s stupid music and I’m torn to pieces because a good performance is always pleasurable but I DON’T WANT THE SONG TO BE ELEVATED BECAUSE I WANT KEVIN TO FAIL.

Then Riverdale fully goes BOLLYWOOD.  Just. This is Bollywood. With no warning.  The camera pans up to follow the line of Julian’s sight as he does a really great piece of impromptu motion, projecting his voice to the ceiling.  Bollywood does this thing where people are in ‘reality’ (like say, in front of a bangles stall at the market) and then the song starts and suddenly they’re in a fantasy outdoor reality (say, in front of the pyramids of Giza), and the initial notes of the song are always shown with the character either running towards or away from each other.  They also change into much fancier clothes.

By the same token, this song transports both Archie and Julian to the sunny outdoors. They’re wearing tight fitting  sports uniforms that BOTH say Andrews.  And they’re running.   Julian looks completely at ease, dance-running gracefully to demonstrate the lyrics (“Archie going left/ Archie going right”).  Archie is having a really hard time running and singing at the same time, plus he’s very annoyed at Julian having this beautiful voice so he keeps scowling, too aware of what Julian is doing to give his own performance his all.  Julian is able to introduce truly lovely details into his ‘dance-run’ like annoyed little twitches of his head when Archie pulls ahead of him before racing to catch up. 

We’re back in the ‘reality’ of the rehearsal room.  Archie has picked up some performance points from Julian, again out of spite and competitiveness more than inspiration.   He’s starting to try to actually dance as he sings.  He’s snapping his fingers.  He does things with his hand as he delivers the lyrics.  He still looks stiff as fuck, but Julian is big enough to appreciate these gestures at improvement.    He actually, as a fellow artist, approves of Archie making an effort.  He even gives him an encouraging nod!

Julian, who is a nepo baby through and through about literally everything, is a meritocrat about musical theater.

I CAN’T COPE.

Kevin is ecstatic with hope again, thinking that it’s coming together. He’s so stupid.  He just lucked into having a talented musical theater leading man in the form of Julian, whom he’s incompetent enough to use as THE UNDERSTUDY. 

Archie is bouncing on the beat to every note of this song, but Julian knows (because he’s talented, omg I’m freaking out) that economy of movement is always better in the dance arts, so he keeps his body still and only makes gestural motions when they are necessary to communicate the song.

We’re back to the outdoor Bollywood reality.  Fully aware that he is losing, that he is Salieri to Julians’ Mozart, Archie brings out his best weapon - his abs.  He takes off his shirt as he runs. He looks really stressed out and aggressive about Julian being so much better than him.  Julian will not ever back down from a challenge, so he takes his shirt off too and GUESS WHAT  he has the same washboard abs as Archie!  “I’m a ripped ginger too!” is what Julian’s face says to Archie as they sing their song and run.   Archie is deeply unhappy about this.  He can’t bear to look at Julian. He doesn’t know what to do now.

Guys, I’m so into this musical. I love it. This is so fun. And it’s all because of Julian. 

Then they’re in the boys' changing room at school, singing at each other while taking their showers after the run.  This Bollywood reality is very gay alluva sudden.  Archie, Mr. Stiff & Awkward, is trying very hard to level up his choreography game.  He slams a hand into the shower wall as he sings.  Julian does the same thing, but better, with more panache.  Archie gives Julian a cock-eyed look.  Julian has super flexible eyebrows and does the cock-eyed challenging face BETTER.  Archie tries running his hand through his hair while making a cocky face.  Julian does it but with BOTH hands, HARMONIZES, and while Archie gets stuck with his hand in his own hair, extends the motion by spreading his hands wide and doing this fun little head tilt while adding a whole lot of swaggery sass to HIS version of the cocky face.

Archie gets pissed enough to slap the shower wall and - 

SEE, THE RIVERDALE ACTORS ARE GREAT.

This wall slap is categorically, visually, emotionally different from his doing as a ‘dance’ to try to one-up Julian as a performer.  This is genuine. It’s the ‘real’ Archie’s actual frustration about not being as good as Julian. 

Archie the fictional character breaks character as the fictional Archie, bringing on the record scratch sound. 

No STOP STOP STOP! Archie screams in desperation. He wants very much to be the lead now because he’s seeing how great Julian is and Julian Blossom cannot be allowed to win.  I’m furious and scared because I have a crush on Julian now even though I still hate this musical and why is this happening to me??

Julian says that “we were humming” and Archie is petty as anything.  He tries to assert dominance by saying he doesn’t like that “my UNDERSTUDY” is “singing at the same time as me!” because it’s “super distracting.”  Julian knows what I know which is that Archie is hating it that Julian is just immensely better than Archie is.  He makes a face and says UH Huh! at that.  

Archie, like all mediocre performers, starts to blame the material. “I’m not really jiving with this song.”  Julian won’t let him get away with this at all - “That’s funny, I am!”  And Julian would be. He was making it work.  

Kevin, because as I said he is not a meritocrat, decides to accommodate Archie.  He starts asking a truly unwieldy set of questions.  “What do you want in real life? What’s your secret passion or dream? Who is Archie Andrews?”    Julian pretends to be interested in Archie’s answer but actually he’s getting a kick out of Archie’s utterly overwhelmed silence. He is making the funniest faces of sarcastic faux concern as Archie gets totally freaked out by the onslaught of introspective prompts.   “Do you even know what you want?”  Kevin asks.  Clay asks which girl he wants to date.  Julian is smart  - catching on immediately, he continues the cross examination - “Do you want to be on the basketball team??”  “Write poetry?” Kevin finishes.

Archie  has no choice but  to say he doesn’t know.  Then he tries to say ‘all of them’ but that gets shut down by Kevin. The rules of dramaturgy, to borrow Veronica’s word, necessitate that the I Want song can only be about one thing, not multiple things.  Or else “you have a poorly defined main character.”

I mean.  Archie has been Barbie levels of flexible in terms of career (to borrow Cheryl Blossom’s spectacular summing up) on all previous seasons of Riverdale, so this is yet another juicy little meta self-commentary by the show.  Julian is very amused about Archie getting hoisted by his own petard, for one, and for another, he’s amused by Kevin being totally oblivious to the fact that it’s being confronted with Julian’s talent that is freaking Archie out first and foremost. 

Clay and Kevin promise that they’re going to write a different, more suitable I-want song for Archie, even though Archie is worried that they won’t be able to since he himself doesn’t know what he wants.

Done with the day, Kevin and Clay leave the music room, holding hands, being very lovey dovey.  Clay drops exposition about things going badly at home for Kevin.  Then they sing a pretty-enough duet about what they have being “no ordinary feeling” because “this is love, this is love.”  OK but it’s so castrated, boys.  So the Kevin performer has a beautiful voice, and he sings whatever he has to with resonance and conviction, but he’s a better singer than he’s an actor, because Kevin and Clay have absolutely no chemistry. I have zero sense that either one desires the other.   They’re two teenage boys engaging in what seems to be a very brave, out gay relationship at very high risk, crossing racial lines, even, and yet they have NO chemistry, NO yearning, and they make faces at each other of the type I make to fluffy dogs.  Like, they like each other, they want nice things for each other, but I don’t believe for a second that they’re attracted to each other.  So it’s really jarring, actually, and makes me hate Kevin even more.  He is worshipful of Clay for EXACTLY THE SAME REASONS that he was so shitty to Betty for - Betty gave AND STILL GIVES HIM understanding and support so he just trod all over her, lied to her, gaslit her, and was unabashedly blatant about his revulsion for her female body.    Kevin is with Clay not because he loves Clay or loves men, but because he is too insecure to be single and he hates women too much, so it’s men or nothing.  I hate Kevin.

We’re at the diner, and at first I am relieved to see Cheryl.  But then it’s a Kevin / Clay production number , this time written for women, so I know I’m in for a bad time.   Betty bursts into song about how the only girl for Archie is her.  She’s skippy and bouncy and I want to throw up.  This is how Kevin really sees her - as a boycrazy airhead.  Which she has never, ever been, not even in the 1950s AU. (How many times is too many times to say I hate Kevin in one post?)  Betty gets physically obnoxious with Veronica, kicking at her to move out of the booth.

Then Veronica sings her portion and does a thing nobody ever does.  She puts her hand right on her female rival’s cleavage, palm flat, while pushing her backwards to declare that she’s “not the kind of girl who comes in second place.”  Kevin thinks Veronica buys her boys with money (“I serve it up on a silver plate”).   He’s half right - she does, but not for the reasons he thinks.  Generosity is Veronica’s love language, and moreover, because she’s known to be rich, nobody ever refuses her extravagant gifts. 

Cheryl and Toni are forced to be the backup singers and co-occupiers of the same booth as Betty and Veronica sing this stupid song about how perfect each of them are for Archie.  Cheryl rolls her eyes so hard she almost has a stroke, and Toni looks done with life. 

We get a very very pinkish red sequence of the three of them - Veronica, Archie and Betty - playing in a band together.  Archie is silent so far, grinning at each in turn and the girls make very sweet faces at him before glowering at each other behind his (oblivious? fully aware?) back.  

Then the unexpected happens.  Toni starts singing about how Archie met her at Pop’s.  She took him for a spin on her motorcycle.  Archie rides behind Toni, who looks absolutely adorable with her huge wig and tiny biker’s outfit on her patently fake bike in front of the blue screen.   Then the nightmare continues.  Cheryl calls her “honey” in order to sing about her own sexcapade with Archie.  She puts on a non regulation siren-red Vixen cheerleader outfit, in front of a blazing fire AND  dozen candles at her house.  “Archie leaned in” apparently.

All four girls are in the band now, singing about how they each want Archie.  

Kevin really, really hates women.  He hates straight women for getting men,  but Kevin. KEVIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.  Also CLAY YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT YOU SMUG ASSHOLE.

The lyrics to this song are appalling;  “One boy plus four best friends/ Pretty girls getting ugly” “Best frenemies.”

“Bop on the head you twit” says Cheryl, immediately, as soon as Kevin is about to be overwhelmed with ecstasy at seeing his woman hating vision come to life.  Kevin invented the word ‘frenemies’ to be specifically shitty to women.  “Is this how you see us?” Betty finally asks.

Betty.

BETTY

YES.

YES HE DOES.

“Vapid khaki-wacky girls?”  NO. 

Oh she was so close.

No Betty. He thinks ALL STRAIGHT GIRLS ARE VAPID.  Also I have no idea what khaki-wacky means or if that’s even a real phrase, but I guess it means ‘airhead.’  Get it together girl.  He really did waste your time out of sheer contempt for you and you should be kicking him in the nuts every single time you see his stupid face.

Veronica says that she will get a better song written by someone else.   Because she knows actually talented songwriters - people who win Oscars and Tony awards.   She is thinking Cole Porter.    The lesbians add on the very valid comment that their parts seem especially tacked on.  Kevin very bitchily says that it’s because they wanted bigger parts - and this sort of airhead role is all either of them, and indeed all women, are good for.

Why does the show want me to hate Kevin so much by the way?  

Cheryl challenges the two misogynist gays to “write something truthful” and “more honest about you two.”  Kevin doesn’t like this idea,  but Clay nods at him because he wants some sort of show to exist.

The untalented woman hating gays  next approache Archie to let him know there’s a new I Want song.  They’ve decided to “focus on your quest for love.”  Archie is going to give this song a whirl because Julian isn’t there to show him up. 

The song is about choosing between Betty and Veronica. Which means the misogynist gay duo has completely not bothered listening to anything any of the girls said about how they object to misogyny in the musical.  They literally give Archie tickets with Veronica and Betty’s names printed on them, reducing both girls down to Socialite Queen and The Girl Next Door.   He does a little spin around a street lamp just outside the cinema where he’s about to watch ‘Choosing Between Betty and Veronica’ in a direct homage to Gene Kelly in Dancing in the Rain, except all I feel is sadness that I don’t get to watch Julian have a go at doing that. 

Apparently, Archie’s choices are between Wanting/ Needing,  Living/ Dreaming, and I’m not sure which one represents what.  Does he WANT Veronica and NEED Betty?  Or does Veronica represent ‘living” and Betty “dreaming”? 

So, according to the Misogynist Gay Duo, Veronica is Onion Rings and Betty is Cotton Candy.  Betty, seriously, kick them both in the nuts. 

But then the visuals in the song change and it gets suddenly very interesting.  When Betty is feeding Archie cotton candy on the school steps,  Archie turns his head away from her to take in the sight of Reggie practicing hoops, looking very handsome.  The lyrics are “They’re both delicious.”  We then cut to the diner, where Veronica is simpering at Archie, but Archie asks himself “How can I choose between two perfect things?” as he looks away from her to  look at Jughead moodily typing away in another booth. 

The posters he next sees show him the choice between basketball / athleticism and poetry.  Suuuure, looking at Reggie and Jughead are about career choices and not the boys themselves. Uh huh.  

Archie stops the song again, to confess that he’s been very bothered by the questions they peppered him with last time.  What does he really want?   Kevin freely admits that he didn’t actually care about this at all, he just wanted a song, so he wrote what for him is the most interesting thing about straight men - not their humanity, not their feelings, but their (to him) frustrating and bizarre need and desire to fuck women.  Archie tries to tell him that “that’s not really the big question that I’m wrestling with.”

Archie drops out of the musical because he has to figure some things out for himself.  Kevin is very annoyed, but Clay, because he’s more dishonest, pretends to wish Archie well on his quest for self discovery.  

I still think Archie is too freaked out by how good Julian is, and doesn’t want to hear Julian sing better than he does about Veronica and Betty. 

Veronica and Betty are hanging out at Veronica’s apartment.  Veronica says that Cole Porter has agreed to write her a little ditty so they can sing it at the musical.  Cole Porter was born 1891 so in ‘the present day’ of this AU, he’s sixty four. SIXTY FOUR.   Why did the show decide on Cole Porter???   Did they just want these girls to say COLE?? 

Anyway, Veronica confesses to Betty that she kissed Archie during the Red Scare.  Betty calmly asks her if she likes him, to which Veronica says that she does, but that she likes Betty more.   Veronica feels closer to Betty than anyone else in town, and Betty FEELS THE SAME WAY.   Betty suggests that they focus on their friendship.  And then they hold hands, because this is how heterosexual girls behave.

We cut to Kevin, who is having a halting, weird conversation with his dad.  His father seems to be sleeping at his office.  Is this why Sheriff Keller has been even more incompetent than he usually is??   He says that he wants to have his whole family together at the musical in the spring.  Kevin cannot get any information out of his dad about what’s going on with his parents’ estrangement.

The Misogynist Gay Duo have summoned the Skeptical Superfemme Dykes to say that they wrote them a better song, a truer song, like Cheryl commanded, because the two of them  heard the feedback and accepted the challenge.

This is a lie of course.  They lost their straight male lead, so now they are desperately scrambling to put some sort of show, any sort of show, together, so as to enjoy the ego high of having ‘their original work’ on stage.  They can’t even be honest about why they’re doing any of this.  And of course, of COURSE, OF COURSE, this song is actually the Misogynist Gay Duo praising themselves, with the valueless females’ participation only an afterthought.  

The song is fine.

Well, actually it’s not.

It’s deeply weird. 

“I know I’ll never find your loving in anyone else” is ordinary enough, but then comes the very next lyric, which is repeated several times: “Though I’ll try.”  Same goes for “I’ll never find your smile in anyone else” and then comes the damning “Though I’ll try.” 

???????????

This exhibits a huge amount of ambivalence - the point of reluctance - to being gay, of being in love with the person who ‘makes’ you gay. 

“I’d fight myself, you know I would/ If I thought it’d do any good.”

The Good here being, not being in love with the person who makes you - and marks you out as - gay.

This is not … a gay love song, though the gay-and-lesbian parallel love scene montage they play over it is an attempt to sell it as one.  It’s a I Wish I Wasn’t Gay song. It’s a, I’m going to Keep looking for someone who isn’t the same gender as me who will give me the same feeling, song, but then depressedly, defeatedly acquiescing to the fact that I am probably gay, for realsies, in the end.   They’re going to stay together because they don’t know how “Let go of your hand/ to start another life.”  This is the opposite of the celebration of discovering your own feelings.

Kevin and Clay are so fucked up and so shitty. 

They also are not going to come out, and will not include this in the musical.  This was a sort of bribe, to trick the Skeptical Superfemme Dykes into staying in the musical, but of course, this backfires.  Cheryl and Toni refuse to be in the musical and to lend their names to it, as long as they have to lie about being gay to participate. 

At the diner, any sort of decision making he has to do is freaking Archie out.  He can’t decide between soup or salad, even.  Jughead is there. OMG they know each other again!   Jughead says they’re both going to take BOTH the soup and the salad (Ooh?) then prompts Archie to continue what he was saying.  Archie says that KEVIN is writing a musical about him, and he doesn’t know why.  (RIP Clay, you don’t count). 

I do.  

Kevin is writing the musical about Archie because he wishes he wasn’t gay and he assumes Archie is entirely straight like he wishes he was.   Archie has the facts but not the insight - he says that Kevin is writing him as though the main decision in his life is about choosing between Betty and Veronica (which is to say, Kevin is deeply obsessed with heterosexuality of men but hates the women that are required to be a heterosexual man) but for Archie, the real Archie of S7, the thing that’s really tearing him apart is the choice between poetry and basketball, he says.

Jughead directly disagrees.  He says that Archie’s problem is the fear of making any sort of choice, that he thinks might ‘affect the rest of his life.’ He calls Archie a ‘cube.’ He also references Camus that Archie doesn’t understand.

Then, Archie suddenly bursts into non-diagetic song (or is it diagetic????) as Jughead smirks at him.  His song is about how he can’t pick two, he has to pick ONE and be a man. Pops is back with the soup, salad and sandwich, which the Archie promptly rejects.  He wants just the sandwich.  Jughead says he’s going to take soup and salad (Archie’s rejects).  Is Jughead starving in this universe?  No, right? Because he has a job that pays and stuff.  Is Betty soup (whom he got together with after Archie unequivocally rejected her in the OG time line the first time) and Veronica salad (whom he was briefly together with in this timeline after Archie rejected HER)?

Archie rushes home to tell Frank that he is going to choose poetry over basketball. He wants out of the basketball team.  Frank is furious, calling him “some kind of beatnik poet” then yelling about how HE needs Archie on the team and he won’t approve of it.  Then Uncle Fucking Frank threatens Archie - “You will regret it!” but Archie stands firm. He’s made his choice and is fine with regretting it.

Next morning at Kevin’s house, Kevin’s mom brings him a little something for breakfast because he overslept.  With Clay.  Clay departs out the window. 

WE FINALLY SEE KEVIN’S MOM. 

I don’t know that we’ve ever seen his mom, ever. She seems nice enough.  She proposes a family dinner.  I wish I cared more about her, but I don’t because she is Kevin’s mom.

Then comes the song that Cole Porter allegedly wrote for Veronica, as per whatever her instructions are.  

OK So.

I love Cole Porter. I know a lot of them by heart, especially off the Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Song Book album, released in - guess when - 1956.

HOW DARE THEY TAKE COLE PORTER’S NAME IN VAIN. 

This song that Veronica and Betty sing together and for each other is absolutely nothing like any Cole Porter song whatsoever in any way. WHY REFERENCE COLE PORTER?  I really think they just wanted Camila Mendes to say “Cole” and have Lili Reinhart say “Cole” back to her on screen.  It could’ve literally been any other musical songwriter otherwise - Oscar Hammerstein was a contemporary of Cole Porter!  Richard Rodgers was a bit younger than both of them!  The Sherman brothers (who wrote Mary Poppins) may even have been the right age to plausibly be friends with Veronica!  Cole Porter was a really weird choice - so the only reason to choose him was this bizarre fan service.  If anything this song sounds like Robert Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez (of Frozen fame).

The song is pretty, and the two girls sing it pretty enough, but it’s trite as fuck and so are the visuals.  The Bee and Vee Bollywood timeout consists of their running for class president  on individual tickets at first, and then joining forces to be a co-headlining ticket.   Something about seeing the universe inside, being afraid to show your real self.  Veronica says she always needs to be the best, and Betty needs people to realize she’s more than her surface.  

 The show shows its true colors (and not the pretty lesbian ones of the balloons that the Bee and Vee ticket use at their school election campaign) in that it thinks the only valid liberation for women was getting the vote.  That’s the surface level injustice (not having suffrage) that the show can truly believe was gendered oppression.  Once that was solved, women should’ve just shut up.  Fuck off, show.

 The girls are so turned on by someone acknowledging that she might have depth that they apparate out to space to share a kiss as a comet falls.  

The Misogynist Gay Duo are completely confused by this song.  Kevin does not understand it whatsoever, because it doesn’t fit with his world view, that women can have anything other than disgusting vaginas that straight men are (to him) inexplicably obsessed with fucking.  Clay is a bit more with it - at least, he’s sensitive to the “energy exchange” as Veronica calls it, that occurred between them in the course of the song.  Kevin’s summing up of this song is SO WRONG.  He says he felt “the pain of your isolation” and even worse, the girls’ “desperate” (he really says, Desperate) “need to be seen.”  THAT ISN’T WHAT THEY SAID THOUGH, KEVIN.   They said that they saw a universe in each other.  You stupid woman hating piece of shit. I hope your mother calls you fat and ruins your confidence at the end of this episode.  For fuck’s sake.

Once more - WHYYYY are they doing this with Kevin’s character?  He did not hate women even when women were being kind of hateful to him (such as Betty outing him when he wasn’t ready to his dad).  Oh.  Is this why?  In S7 ,we get to see Toni being shitty to Cheryl in a reversal of Cheryl being problematic to Toni, so by the same token we get to see Kevin despise Betty as he should’ve done in earlier seasons??

Bee and Vee are shook, so they discuss the “primal” “charged and intense” connection they felt during the song.  Betty wants to climb Veronica’s emotionally complex mountain.

With absolutely perfect timing, Archie comes to tell the two pretty girls he’s kissed that he is choosing celibacy in order to discover himself, even though he’s fond of them.  They are so put out.  Like, dude get over yourself. 

Of course, Archie is behaving like this not least because he was infected with Kevin’s warped view of his life.

We cut to Kevin at his family dinner at the Diner. His mother is like four feet taller than his dad, which I like very much.   Kevin continues to be shit.  He is saying “The new Archie, Julian, he’s even better than the real Archie.”   This is accurate but he only came to this realization because Julian is literally the only person interested in performing his songs - THERE’S LITERALLY NO CAST LEFT because Kevin sucks.   

His parents tell him in a clumsy way that they are getting a divorce.  Kevin seems upset, but doesn’t lash out or anything, and says pompously that he has his ‘presentation’ of the musical tomorrow so he’s going to go home now.  He gets a bit sarcastic with them, I guess, but I don’t care. I hate Kevin.

Then we get to the presentation of the musical  Julian has been cast as Archie.  Clay is playing the part of Jughead. Midge and one other nameless girl have been shoehorned into the slot originally given to Cheryl and Toni (the foursome of bitches that want to fuck Archie).  Veronica and Betty are inexplicably willing to participate still, even though they were given a vastly superior song to sing that had them hallucinating space traveling lesbian sex.  The fact that the Misogynist Gay Duo are USING THE NAMES of Archie (no longer in the musical), Jughead (who hates both of them and the musical), Reggie (also out since day 1), for this show is HORRENDOUS.  Oh and fuck you Fangs, for playing Reggie. 

Veronica, I’m so disappointed in you.  You gave Jughead such hell for using your name and likeness in the genre fiction he writes, but you’re fine with Kevin doing this to everyone who explicitly said they DID NOT WANT to be involved in his stupid musical?

Anyway the chief pleasure of this number, is, of course, JULIAN.  The Riverdale MVP.  He is just so good at every part of this.  Wearing the Archie costume with the correct attitude for the way the character is set up in the musical. He’s so GREAT at theater dancing. Knows exactly how to place his weight, knows exactly how much to move, and the singing voice is just lovely!  He shows up everyone - Betty and Veronica look and sound like gifted amateurs trying to keep up with a professional.  

Featherhead applauds Julian, because he understands quality when he sees it, unlike Kevin.

Oh and Kevin and Clay hate Jughead too.  Jughead says in the musical, singing in the most obnoxious, unJughead preening way, that he’s going to be stuffing his face instead of going to Prom.  Then Julian as Archie bouncily invites him to prom (complete with titty slap).  Julian is SO CUTE. Why am I so into Julian? HELP ME.

He tells Kevin that they absolutely will not be producing the musical whatsoever.  “Original musicals are tough sells” and he’s worried that nobody will come for “Archie the Musical” but  Oklahoma will completely sell out. He has good taste, Featherhead.  Oklahoma is a gorgeous musical. 

Kevin is pissy as fuck when he comes to yell at his cast about not getting the musical that he wanted made. He’s so shit and I am enjoying his suffering.  He’s so stupid and untalented to the end - he says he is experiencing this failure because the others didn’t support him and his vision enough, and nitpicked his songs to death.  Actually no Kevin. Your songs are just shit, and your vision of other people are misogynist and reductive, plus you have absolutely no eye for performance talent.  You failed because you’re not talented enough, but sure have your violent temper tantrum.

After Kevin storms out, Clay explains to the cast that Kevin is upset about his parents getting a divorce. 

Kevin goes home and has some talk with his mom who says she loves him unconditionally and that the divorce between his parents is not his fault.  I wish I cared but I don’t. I am however annoyed that Kevin who so viciously hates women keeps having women be so kind and nice to him.

The next day, Archie approaches Kevin who is noodling around on the piano.  He thanks Kevin to thank him for forcing him to take a long hard look at himself, and says that it was useful.  Kevin says that he was practicing a song that he wrote.  I’m bracing for impact. 

It’s not horrible actually. It’s a bit confusing.  It starts out as diagetic - Kevin is playing the song with Archie.  Archie who can read music then sits next to him and reads along to the music on the page.  But then suddenly we shift into the Riverdale Musical Episode - this is not the in-universe Archie the Musical performances.  This is Betty the Riverdale Character singing the song that Kevin wrote back to him, so that he gets to have a consolation experience of directing his classmates in a song.   Betty is the first, the comes Veronica, then Choni, Clay, and then to my surprise, lots of unexpected couplings:

Midge and Fangs, singing a little duet portion and entering together are followed by Jughead and Ethel (ETHELHEAD! ETHELHEAD????)  singing as a duet who enter the music room together!    Reggie, Julian and Dilton are the next cluster.  Kevin starts weeping as all his classmates look fondly at him while they serenade him with his own song.  These are extremely kind people, to give Kevin this present though he has shown them that he thinks all of them are beneath him and was pretty shitty to them throughout the musical production process.  They even give him a group hug. 

Jughead is again the one that pops out. He’s sincerely singing this song to Kevin, along with everyone else, and his demeanor is full of sympathy.  He looks like a completely different person than the one maniacally, ragefully performing “Jughead as Written by the Misogynist Gay Duo” at the start of the show.

And may I just ask one question please - Why is Veronica able to forgive Kevin’s reductive view of all women and her in particular when she found it absolutely unacceptable in Jughead?  WHY?

Uhhh, can Julian please sing all the songs and dance every dance please from here on out?? 

I still hate Kevin, by the way, even though he’s in pain from his parents’ mysterious divorce.

And Julian Blossom singing Archie going Left/ Archie going right is A FUCKING EARWORM and it’s ringing in my head even now.

[jojoblessed365]

6, 19 and 51 for the ask game!

Hi!

6 which shows do I think are underrated and deserve more love?

Bored to Death- it is very Rian Johnson meets Arthur Conan Doyle vibes; iZombie would be another one

19 which shows are on my to-watch list?

Veronica Mars, Checkmate, The Twilight Zone, On My Block... Just to name a few

51 which TV cliche you despise?

It's not exactly a cliche, but overreliance on physical chemistry in couples - I saw this in Varchie (from Riverdale), Chuck and Blair (Gossip Girl)... Another would be the unlucky gay pal (Kevin from Riverdale? Classic example)

Thanks for the ask! 😃

[identifyallen]

Someone had to say it.

Why I Hate Betty Cooper

I would firstly like to say, this is about BETTY COOPER, not Lili Reinhart. And this isn’t to say the other characters haven’t done terrible things, but out of the main cast, Betty is praised the most as a character and I cannot stand that, because out of the five main characters, she is absolutely the worst human being in my opinion and does not deserve this constant love and praise.

Firstly, in season 1 she was angry at Veronica, who she met maybe a couple days ago, for kissing Archie. As if Veronica owes her loyalty when they just met. Betty wasn’t even dating Archie at the time. But it was somewhat understandable, she was hurt. However, Veronica instantly told her the next day and apologized and admitted her wrong doing. However, Betty kissed Archie who was Veronica’s EX not even days after they just broke up. And she did NOT tell Veronica, who she claims is her best friend and this is after knowing her for months. And yet, no one gets mad at Betty. The fandom bashed on Veronica for doing that. And hers was a game, I honestly don’t think Veronica and Archie had actual feelings till later on. 

She lied to Archie, who she once again claims as her best friend, and snooped through Ms. Grundy’s car. Now, I would defend her here because Ms. Grundy is a pedophile, but she didn’t even call the cops or tell his dad. The parents FOUND OUT. She claimed to be worrying and care for him, but decided to steal a gun and not even tell the authorities? What was she gonna do? Shoot her? If she was truly trying to help, she would tell his dad. 

She almost freaking murdered Chuck. He was definitely a bad guy, but she was clearly out of hand. No excuse here. Even Veronica was like wtf girl. You’re insane.That isn’t girl power. That’s murder.

She brought Chic into their lives for her own personal reasons, but lied and said it was for her mom (she said this on the show), and well, this is all your fault. Don’t bring strangers into your house. He may be blood, but you never met him before. You weren’t raised with him. Maybe visit a few times and get to know him first. 

She threatened Cheryl, who recently attempted suicide, to lie in court with a video of her FATHER killing her TWIN BROTHER. This bitch is psycho. That was disgusting, not ‘savage’. It was pure insanity and that was the moment I truly hated her.

She insulted Veronica in front of all of her friends at a party. Yes, she was threatened by the blackhood, but there are ways of getting people out of your life and insulting and belittling them in front of your friends isn’t one of them. I would side with Veronica too, Kevin, you go boy.

The same thing with Jughead. She made ARCHIE dump him. How disgusting. No respect for anyone who asks their friend to dump their boyfriend. He deserved better than that considering what they’ve been through.

She hid the blackhood stuff to protect Jughead and dumped him and everyone defended her, but when Jughead wanted to protect her with the serpent stuff and dumped her, she’s all “i don’t need protecting”. Hypocritical much? Jughead was quite understanding when she said it. However, Betty was just a hypocrite and got upset. Like girl, you also stripped in front of his dad. I would dump you too…

which is this bullentin; she stripped in front of a bar of old gang members and her boyfriend’s dad and yet, she’s all about feminism. Feminists shouldn’t be pleased when you, an underage girl, are forced to strip in front of men to join a gang..

She ‘exposed’ Kevin’s hook ups to his dad and decided to judge him instead of actually listening and understanding. Like yes, try to make him understand what he’s doing is dangerous, but don’t insult his sexual activities when you’re webcaming for grown men online.

She always lies and uses Kevin, yet everyone wonders why Kevin left her for Veronica. Even Veronica, when snooping in his house, was very hesitant and felt wrong doing it.

She said Veronica hid things from her and that she can’t trust her, but I don’t recall her telling Veronica about the dead body and the Chic things going on, now do I?

Jughead was honest about the kiss with Toni, but Betty blatantly lied to his face about kissing Archie. I would also be questioning why she felt the need to lie…even Archie told Veronica. 

Jughead distinctively hates his birthday, didn’t even tell her about it, Archie told her straight away that he would hate a party, and yet she goes and throws him one anyways. Selfish. I am 100% on his side. He is literally the visual representation of someone who would not enjoy a party. How little do you know him to not realize that? 

She got very upset at Archie for not liking her back (even though he didn’t say that, he simply said he didn’t feel like he was good enough) but then, out of nowhere, She suddenly gets feelings for Jughead? As if they didn’t know one another their whole lives? Wow a couple days investigating a murder really brings those feelings out…sorry archie and veronica for being so mad at you and crying constantly, I actually love Jughead suddenly. 

She brought Jughead into the murder of the drugdealer. This one’s a so-so because she was honest and he did wonder what was wrong, but I still feel like it was a bit much considering what he’s already going through. 

She got Archie involved in the black hood, despite the fact that he was already struggling with PTSD over his dad. Then constantly made him have to hide it from his best friend and girlfriend. 

She called VERONICA privileged. This white, upper middle class blonde girl called a latino mobster’s daughter privileged. When Veronica is literally in one of the worst families (aside from Cheryl and Jughead). Her only privilege is her financial situation, which is literally blood money. Betty is a white girl who has a nice home, a great boyfriend, friends who constantly forgive her despite her betraying them, and a nice sister and mom. Even her dad is decent towards her when she’s not being a freaking yo-yo switching moods every two seconds. Her only problems are the ones she puts herself in.

Not to mention, I noticed that whenever Betty insults Veronica in front of their friends, she sits there and takes it and doesn’t fight back.She’s more mature than Betty, seriously. Maybe take it to a private room and say what you feel there. Like mature adults, Betty.

She threatened to kill Cheryl in season 1. And yes, Cheryl was a bitch in that scene but I don’t see her threatening Betty in that scene… 

She constantly accuses people (usually of murder) instantly without solid proof (Ethel, Grundy, Sheriff) and jumps onto the case before thinking it through. 

Cheryl, Josie, Toni, Kevin and even Veronica are vastly better written characters who deserve better stories. They are much more interesting and layered characters in my opinion. Yet they’re all sidelined due to Betty’s tight pony tailed head being on the screen 90% of the episodes. Even Chic is more interesting than her and honestly, HE is HER story line.These characters are not at all perfect or amazing people. I have been angry at every single character on the show multiple times but their reasoning for doing what they do or their apologies are much more sincere than whenever Betty has apologized or had motives. 

Betty is a hypocritical, heterosexual, white, privileged, blonde girl who never has to pay consequences to her actions, uses her friends, invades people’s privacy without a care in the world, snoops are in everyone’s business, brings problems upon herself and her friends and family and lies to everyone constantly. 

Even Archie and Jughead, who I am constantly mad at, have more reasoning and motives for what they do, which makes it easier to understand and forgive them when they sincerely apologize to people. 

Props to Archie last episode for calling her out. She would have never apologized to Veronica if it wasn’t for him. Honestly, they need a better friend cause all she does is use them when she needs them. 

[lovecatsys]

Academy X/Hellions/X Kids Band AU

keno and i were talking abt a potential academy x band AU a while back and then I came up w a very elaborate plot with lots of ideas and headcanons so. here we go.

The Hellions

Julian Keller - lead vocals/main songwriter

Noriko Ashida - lead guitar/songwriter/occasional vocalist

Brian Cruz - rhythm guitar/backing vocalist

Laura Kinney - bassist

Quentin Quire - drums/songwriter

Kevin Ford - percussion & synths (as recurring background/guest musician)

Details/Plot/dynamics/etc under the cut!!

The Backstory

the basic story is that in this AU, they're mutants, superheroes and supervillains still exist, the x men and subsequent teams still exist (and their history is somewhat known) but the kids did not go to the Xavier school and are just mutant kids (mostly) unaffiliated with the X-Men

Julian is a good singer and songwriter, a proud mutant young adult, who wants to start a band. So! he starts the band with his girlfriend (Laura, her backstory is the same she just met Julian and they started dating) and best friend (Brian). Laura has been learning bass for a little while, Brian knows a little guitar, they start to figure out the logistics & gain skill practicing Julian's songs, while looking for more fellow mutant musicians.

They find Nori (her backstory is the same) who's a very talented guitarist and also a songwriter, as well as Quentin, a drummer and songwriter. Both these kids are proud mutants and punks, so they fit along with Julian's ideal vibe for the band.

So! the band cuts a record, their first album, they blow up as a political all-mutant band, pissing off all the right people and gathering a large following of youth, punk, mutant, queer, and counter culture alike.

Julian has always looked up to Emma Frost, and names the band the Hellions after her student team, the rivals of the new mutants.

The Music

The band ranges over a few genres, generally categorized as alternative rock, with punk and industrial elements occasionally.

Julian is considered the "main songwriter" of the band, though Nori and Quentin probably contribute an equal amount of songs. I imagine his voice as being fairly smooth but a bit nasally, with a medium pitch range. His songs are lyrically very sound, and generally stick to an alt rock vibe, with occasional industrial elements (usually due to Kevin's influence/backing musicianship). I'm envisioning him as having a very strong voice. Julian will write about a great many things, generally political messages about anti-mutant sentiment and mutant pride, love and sex (he's such a cheesy romantic), or just whatever. Huge influence for Julian song's vibes is Placebo

Noriko adds an element of electric punk to the band. Her songs are lyrically not very interesting, but she makes up for it in the melodies and her musicianship. Nori has a special guitar designed where she can channel her powers into it and doesn't need to use her gauntlets. This gives her a very unique and HEAVY sound. She also writes about mutanthood and its political aspects, along with other political stuff, womanhood and racism, I'm imagining she has something of a riot grrrl vibe going on (which I've always headcanoned her as being into). Her songs and guitar style in my head are very similar to Nova Twins.

Brian adds a steady contrast to Nori's heavy, unusual guitar sound. His playing is a lot softer and more clear. He does a lot of backing vocals, and there's probably a song or two where he gets to do the lead vocals- either Julian or Quentin may have written a song specifically for him to sing. I imagine he has a very soft and beautiful voice. Though many critics would probably call him the "useless" or least important member of the band, he's actually a very important part of their sound– his rhythms make their sound feel whole in a way. He only really became a musician because Julian wanted to start a band and he wanted to be a part of it, because he loves Julian and in a way almost revolves his life around him, but he becomes an integral part of the band.

Laura has a killer bass line, I imagine she has a great level of precision to her playing, strong hands already skilled from her extensive fighting capability. She may not have learned bass until her late teen years but she got the hang of it really quickly and became a phenomenal bassist. Her bass playing is heavy and precise, and her bass lines aren't exactly the most elaborate, but they're effective and fun (Georgia South from Nova Twins vibes).

Quentin is the most punk member of the band, every song he writes is punk, he is actively part of the subculture, and his mutant pride shines through the most out of all of them. almost all of his songs are political, most often about mutant pride and anti-mutant sentiment, he probably has multiple songs that are about the genocide of Genosha. He also writes a lot about his struggles with mental illness, substance abuse, trauma, and his insecurities. He doesn't sing and generally gives his songs to Julian to sing. He is a very good drummer, his drumming is heavy, loud, and fast– he uses his telekinesis to aid his drum playing. I'm imagining he has an extended drumset he put together himself, and uses psionic drumsticks. However, his drum playing is not as precise as he would like it to be, as he's not a very skilled telekinetic (at least, not like Julian is).

Kevin is not an official member of the band, he's a freelance industrial solo musician who makes all his music himself using a variety of forms of percussion and synths. But as he is an active mutant musician in the alt industry, he collaborates with the Hellions a lot, and Julian, Laura and Brian become close friends to him. He generally works on Julian's songs (or occasionally Nori's) and adds an industrial element to them with synths or various forms of percussion unrelated to a drumset.

I'm also imagining a song where Roxy makes an appearance as a guest rapper.

The Story

After their first album blows up, the band goes on tour and rapidly gains a huge following. They experience a lot of anti mutant sentiment, and protesters at their shows. They generally respond with lots of "f us" and flipping them off. Julian, Nori, and Quentin all use their powers to make all sorts of fantastic displays for the show (who needs light shows when you have telekinesis and electricity manipulation?).

Julian, Nori, and Quentin are the biggest names in the band, and the loudest personalities. They may all be incredible musicians and songwriters who work together very well on stage and in the studio, but they do NOT get along and have massive personality conflicts. It can be pretty playful and ridiculous at times, but it can also lead to serious conflicts that are detrimental to the band. They're all incredibly egotistical and in general don't work together when it comes to deciding who's songs go on the album and who's doing this and that and such.

The band manages to put out two new albums, while experiencing a lot of internal drama, AND on top of that, a lot of anti mutant hate at shows, on the news, on the internet, basically everywhere. Laura realizes she's a lesbian at some point and breaks up with Julian, which causes some heartbreak and conflict, but eventually gets resolved and they remain friends. Brian struggles with depression and feeling like he's useless to the band, he also struggles in his relationship with Julian due to the fact that he's in love with him. Brian also becomes very close to Quentin, and Julian gets jealous, feeling like Quentin, who he's never liked, has stolen his best friend. And well, Nori and Quentin and Julian don't get along, obviously. Quentin also struggles with substance abuse, which becomes more and more serious as the band's history goes on. After their third album comes out at they go on tour, they're already considering breaking up the band due to all of these issues.

On the tour for their third album, the band experiences a serious hate crime- anti mutant bigots organized together and got tickets, pretending to be fans, and bombed the stage during their performance. While no one dies, Julian loses his hands, Brian almost dies, and they all sustain very serious trauma from the incident. While Julian and Brian are in the hospital, recovering, the rest of the band agrees to break up the act. when Julian learns of this, he becomes extremely angry and upset that they made that decision without him.

They all go their separate ways, Brian moves back to Puerto Rico and lives with his family, who help him through the trauma, and he gets therapy. around this time is when Logan dies and Laura takes up the mantel of Wolverine, starting her official career as a superhero. Nori and Quentin both go on to be solo acts. Nori's music becomes even more aggressively political and ANGRY because of the event. Quentin's substance abuse gets progressively worse. Julian retreats into himself and becomes extremely depressed, ashamed of his disability and traumatized by the explosion.

The band remains broken up for a long time, around 4-5 years. During this time, Brian tries to reach out to Julian and help him out when he finds out how terribly depressed his best friend is, but Julian ignores him. Nori eventually decides to do something with all her rage and trauma from anti-mutant bigots, and starts doing activism work for mutants and mutant youth especially. She uses her fame to become a huge figure in the fight for mutant rights, and continues to make political music, though it becomes less heated over time. Quentin eventually gets his shit together and goes sober, and also starts doing some minor activism work, he and Brian also reconnect and date for a little, though they don't make their relationship public and it doesn't last very long, they still remain friends and have a much healthier relationship than they originally did when the band was still together. Laura finds Gabby and finds herself in a very good place in her life for the first time ever as Wolverine (the same basic plot of All new Wolverine happens).

Emma Frost has never actually listened to the Hellions' music, as she knows she would despise it and doesn't want to taint the image of the band in her head, but she's always been aware of them and thinks very fondly of them, especially of Julian, who received public criticism when the band was formed for naming them after the Hellions, who were "supervillains." She was rightfully angered when the concert was bombed, and at some point towards the end of those 4-5 years, she wonders to herself whatever happened to Julian Keller. She seeks him out via cerebro, and when she finds him living incredibly depressed on his own, surviving along only with his residual money from the band's years of fame, she refuses to let it stay that way. She comes into his house one day, paying a bunch of people to clean, giving him prosthetic hands to use with his telekinesis that she had made, and insisting that he needs to get his life together already. She helps him get back up on his feet financially, pays for therapy for him, and encourages him to get back to recording music again (and get a life). Emma basically forces herself into Julian's life and becomes his mentor and mother figure.

Julian starts putting together an album, and meets the love of his life through Emma, a dancer named Sofia Mantega. After his album gets released, and the rest of the band hears about it, they all slowly start to reconnect, keeping it quiet at first, hanging out and catching up, having jam sessions where they play old songs and new songs. They all find that they get along so much more now that they're all in much better places of their lives, though they can still be bitchy and mean and get annoyed with each other, they all build healthier friendships and find that they really missed writing and playing music together.

Eventually they officially announce that the band is back together and will be releasing an album and going on tour soon. Their album is a completely different style and tone than their music was previously. It leans more towards punk and regular rock, and it's a lot more uplifting and cathartic. Lyrically its about overcoming their trauma and not letting the weight of it get them down, continuing despite the fact that anti-mutant hate is still happening. (Placebo's Battle for the Sun is the kind of vibe this situation and musical shift is)

Fans are overjoyed, they make sure to take extra security measures on the tour, and they're all incredibly happy to be back making music with each other again. Their career continues after this, keeping the same new style and generally keeping their music more positive than it used to be. Julian eventually marries Sofia and she features in a few of their music videos as a dancer. Julian also writes many, many songs about Sofia and their relationship and his love for her.

Random Headcanons

Julian has a diva phase, he also wears bright red lipstick and/or a dress on stage multiple times

Quentin leans into his omega gang outfit in the early days, also leans heavily into the omega branding thing

They cover Queen Bitch by David Bowie, alt-ify it and Julian puts his whole pussy into it.

I made a playlist with a few songs that I think capture the style of the band– I do have individual explanations for each song but I've already eluded to some of the artists/albums in this post so I'm not gonna go into it more, feel free to ask though!

[stonerbughead]

I was just scrolling FB and was attacked by a photo of k*vin k*ller from the Riverdale account with the caption “he’s Betty’s rock.” This is violence!

[freezing82]

The only useful thing Kevin does: sing. Put him out of his misery and either:

a) give him a decent plot that doesn't involve him joining a cult/ acting like a total as*hole, or

b) just ship him off to Broadway to pursue a decent career.

Please and thank you.

[shymeg]

Let's just be real

Kevin and Archie should be together and they can live in a log cabin in the woods somewhere.

[arsenicpanda]

I think Kevin and Cheryl are two of the most toxic LGBTQ+ characters on TV.

I don't watch much of anything else on tv--nothing else has really grabbed my interest and I'm also too lazy to go search stuff out--so I really can't speak to this, sorry.

[ginger-grimm]

NO NUANCE NOVEMBER - RIVERDALE EDITION

Archie is a horrible main character. He has no valuable plot line. Other than that he is just a shitty character in general. He cheats on his girlfriend, puts his family, friends and teens in danger because of a hero complex, betrayed his father and best friend to work with an actual mobster...

In fact, all the characters on this show are shitty. It's just that some are shittier than others and some are more redeemable than others.

Choni is a bad ship. The worst ship. They're rushed, toxic and would never work past high school IRL.

All the ships on this show suck safe for Veggie.

Reggie is an underrated character and deserves an actual storyline.

Veggie >>>>>>>>> Varchie

Barchie is a horrible ship with no real chemistry and it clearly died before it even started in s1.

Veronica Cecilia Lodge deserves her own damn storyline that isn't linked to her father, her boyfriend or some stupid business.

Dilton Doiley's death was unnecessary. The writers just wanted to kill off a well-known character but not a main. I will never get over his death.

Cheryl Blossom is an AWFUL character. She's entitled, an elitist, a bully, nasty for no reason, abusive towards her girlfriend and generally a nuisance. Being a lesbian and having a traumatic past doesn't give her the right to act this way. It's a reason, not an excuse.

Toni Topaz was her best self in s2. Period. Everything about her was ruined when she got with Cheryl. It's a damn shame because Madelaine and Vanessa have such good chemistry and the couple could have been awesome. Also, Toni could have gone places.

The writers ruined Kevin and Fangs when they had them involved in that fucking tickle porn plot.

All the parents on this show, safe for Fred and Tom, suck ass.

Nana Rose is not a fucking saint. She adopted Penelope just to groom her to marry her son and treated her horribly.

Penelope Blossom and Hiram Lodge should have gotten arrested and locked up in like s3. Period. Penelope killed kids and Hiram...well, you know why. I like Mark and Nathalie as much as the next girl but they're characters stopped being interesting long ago, if they even were to begin with.

Bughead was cute in s1 but they should have split in s2 for good.

Jughead should have never joined the Serpents. It's clearly not something he ever wanted, considering the Serpents ruined his family, and he should have continued writing instead.

The concept of teens being made Kings and Queens of gangs is so annoying to me. Like an IRL gang would ever put a 16 year old in charge, even if he is legacy.

This show has an ensemble cast and should use it. It's annoying watching the core four have their own boring/annoying major plotlines and then sprinkle in some weird shit for Reggie, Toni, Kevin and Cheryl that makes no sense and is cringy/uncomfortable to watch.

Notice how all the POC/LGBTQ characters get the worst storylines/unnecessarily killed off? What's that about? Stop it. This literally starts with Veronica.

S4 was the worst season of this show. Yes, s3 was batshit insane but at least it some semblance of a main plot. In s4 everything was related to Jug and everything else was confusing/boring/frustrating.

PLEASE stop giving us weird incest plots. We do NOT need to see this in 2020. Or ever.

[fandomlife-confessions]

[icedteaandoldlace]

Y'all, I will drag Glee and its bad writing and homophobia and double standards until my dying day, but anyone who thinks Kevin from Riverdale is better gay representation than Kurt Hummel is dumb as shit.

[ohtheclevernessof]

I hate Kevin and Cheryl for what they did to Moose

Kevin was straight up trying to force Moose to come out to his dad instead of respecting his wishes. If Kevin really cared about him he would have respected Moose's choice to stay in the closet. Then Cheryl went and completely outed Moose which she had no right. They basically both ruined Moose's life and they had no right.

[ptieuca]

#fulfilling their destiny

[tinstol]

Full offense I hate Kevin Keller

[stardustwhip]

Y’know, I’m really starting to think that the CW just can’t be trusted with LGBT representation. First off, there was Riverdale with its total straightwashing (allowashing?) of Jughead and watering down Kevin Keller into a stereotypical campy gay best friend. Now with the recent leak of the Powerpuff Girls script, we see that they have turned Buttercup into a black lesbian (yay!) but she’s also sexually aggressive and promiscuous, with her lesbianism literally being introduced in a scene where she talks about how she’s cheating on her girlfriend (nay!)

[freezing82]

Riverdale's Kevin Keller EQUALS Rivervale's La Llorona.

Both took Anthony away from his mother.

Shame on you, poor ignorant Kevin. I used to like you, but you've proven to be a literal piece of garbage (Cheryl was right all along).