#another solid 5/10 post from yours truly
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gaytwirights · 2 months ago
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I feel like Michelle Marlon, behind the perfect child mask that she puts on for everyone else, was just like Light Yagami but before he got the death note. Like I think she really idolized her parents' work and I think she was really under a lot of pressure to always be the best and I think she was depressed and while her parents loved her I don't think they could see past her perfect child facade and I don't think she would've ever gotten the help she needed. I think Ma was the first adult who ever truly saw her true self and I think that's because the part of Ma that could remember the life of 'Levia' had seen the former millennium prodigy in her and I think Michelle saw that and latched onto her even though anyone could see that Ma had ulterior motives. Because she desperately needed someone to understand her and Ma was the first person to do that. And this is the main force behind my characterization of Michelle in my Nemesis Twiright AU. It's because she reminds me of Light fucking Yagami (not in a bad way btw)
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zepskies · 2 years ago
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Series Masterlist - Break Me Down
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Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x F. Reader
Summary: You’re a private investigator by trade, but now you happily sit at a desk — leading a surveillance team at Supe Affairs. After managing to end Homelander in New York, Soldier Boy escapes custody. You are recruited for the manhunt, joining Butcher’s team.
Truly, you joined the S.A. for the right reasons. But after you become his accidental hostage, Soldier Boy will break down every single one of them…
AN: For those of you who enjoyed “Checkerboard,” here’s the requested prequel series! It’s gonna be a long road to get to that version of Soldier Boy. Technically this is an AU set post-season 3.
Series Tags/Warnings: **Rated M. (18+ only.) Enemies to frenemies to lovers. Angsty, messy, moral quandaries galore. This is a romance, but it’s a dark world with morally gray and dark characters, including Soldier Boy, of course. **Smut, language, misogyny, violence, and other chapter-specific tags.
🎵 Listen While You Read:
BMD YouTube Playlist || BMD Spotify Playlist
BMD Music Playlist Posters
Chapters:
Prologue
Part 1 - The Game Begins
Part 2 - You Move Me, Baby
Part 3 - Somewhere Down Below
Part 4 - On the Inside Out
Part 5 - Morning, Night & Day
Part 6 - A Hot Meal
Part 7 - Until Midnight
Part 8 - Something in the Way
Part 9 - Breach
Part 10 - Caught in the Balance
Part 11 - The Lion's Den
Part 12 - All Your Wicked Ways
Part 13 - A Generous Deal
Part 14 - Safe House
Part 15 - The Tower
Part 16 - Soldier Boy
Part 17 - More Than Words Can Say
Epilogue - All My Living Time
Series Complete!
Did you like this series? If you'd like to keep supporting me as I continue the BMD-verse, you can:
Ko-Fi Me ☕
Become a Patreon Member 🌟
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Not done reading this version of Soldier Boy x Reader? Well, there's more to their story.
(**Notes 18+ only and/or smut)
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One-Shots:
In the Dark You and Ben have tackled the insurmountable together, but no one said the recovery would be easy.
Checkerboard** You’re not a supe. You’re breakable. Soldier Boy sometimes forgets that.
Wanderlust** Your wandering hands are keeping Ben up at night.
Love Actually** Ben gets in late on Christmas Eve with a Grinch-like attitude, but you’re determined to force some holiday cheer into his system.
Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 - Complete
Wake Me Up** [MINI SERIES] A few weeks after you and Ben celebrate your first Christmas together, he is returning from another mission with the Supe Affairs team. When he discovers that you’ve been taken, he’ll do whatever it takes to find you. And then, to help you heal.
Series Complete!
Strong As Blood** After you accidentally break through a solid wood table, you know there’s something wrong with you. You begin to have your suspicions, but can you keep it from Ben long enough to find out? 
(In other words: This is the story of how you and Ben discover that you’re pregnant.)
Part 1 || Part 2 - Complete
Until Morning A quiet moment between you, Ben, and your newborn daughter.
This One's For You Late one night, finding no other recourse, Ben sings to his infant daughter to help her sleep.
Lesson Learned** There’s only so much teasing Ben is willing to take. He has no choice but to punish you. (Sequel to This One's For You)
Green** Ben spends the day alone with his daughter, to varying degrees of success. When you get home, it prompts a serious conversation.
Calculated Risks You and Ben argue about your commitment to being a working mom. When a rogue supe gets loose at Supe Affairs, mayhem ensues, putting not only your life at risk, but your daughter’s as well.
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Imagines:
Getting jealous.** 💚 Ben needs new clothes, but the shop girls think your boyfriend is fair game.
Ben’s reaction to his girlfriend on her period.❣️ How he takes care of you.
Ben loses you. 💔 Includes a “twist” ending…
Talk to Me 💞 In the wake of his vivid nightmare, you confront Ben about his fears and get him to open up. [Sequel to “Ben loses you.”]
Headcanons
Inspiration behind the Part 17 plot twist. It has to do with my love of Smallville. (Spoilers for BMD Part 17.)
How many kids would you and Ben have? The answer is...
Ben's reaction to his daughter Lila's first crush (vs. his son's). The double standard here is ridiculous!
How Ben would react when Lila gets a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Dad!Ben is pretty much what you'd expect...
How Ben reacts when his daughter (Lila) is dating an asshole. He sees an unfortunately "kindred" spirit.
What if Lila caught Ben on a bad day? Featuring reactions from young!Lila and teen!Lila.
What (BMD) Soldier Boy/Ben Would Say to His Younger Self Ben has the opportunity to meet his counterpart from the 1980s. What advice would he offer?
Imagine Soldier Boy (Ben) "Sliding Up" to You in the Club Despite what you might think, he's got moves...
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Moodboard below created by @chernayawidow:
"But you move me, baby. All my livin time..."
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"A fight for love and glory, a case of do or die..."
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Soldier Boy Masterlist
Main Masterlist
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stars-in-a-jam-jar · 7 months ago
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Moar Buddy Dawn Shit in relation to this post
Buddy was dead for about 10 to 15-maybe-20 minutes. Kristen and Gorgug at the top of Freshman Year were only dead about 3 to 5 minutes and they still got some form of time in the afterlife, (side note: Gorgug not knowing what Orc Heaven looks like and being Deeply Fucking Terrified and shellshocked by the entire experience is So Juicy To Me, like. Something that should by all rights be familiar to him being foreign. Of deep spiritual significance, but not in the way it was 'supposed to be'; he didn't even know how it was 'supposed to be' at the time or after he learned it, he's still not really sure if it was ever a 'supposed to'.) so I'm quite sure Buddy experienced Something beyond the grave and chose to leave it for this nameless aspect of Ankarna. The version of her which exists as a result of her complete death and incomplete resurrection/preservation.
In that 10 to 15 minutes, Buddy passed into the place he was going. Perhaps some cornfield out on the edge of Helio's domain where Helio figured 'I'll get to him or he'll find me sometime, there's literally infinite time here'. Perhaps as a petitioner on the Astral Sea- wait, no, I'm thinking about Rolling With Difficulty cosmology, the Astral Realm is not a sea in Fantasy High. (also go listen to Rolling With Difficulty) Regardless of if he went to the afterlife the adults all told him he'd go to if he'd been a good boy or to some more limbo-like place, he had just enough minutes for the reality to sink in that he's Dead. He's dead and the feeling of a hand gripping his shoulder as if to hoist his assailant high enough to slit his throat presses like a cold weight on his skin. As if this body has skin, no, he's just a solid soul given form in this place.
So jarring. Resting dead in some corner of the cosmos like finding the one empty room at a big loud party where you've mostly been taking things in, sticking close to people you know, not doing anything you're not supposed to. Sitting down on the unfamiliar furniture or swaying idly in place as you listen to the murmur of this foreign world around you. Only it's not like that, not truly at all. You're not at the party anymore, the echoes of your life aren't some thing you're taking a break from to rejoin or building up the nerve to excuse yourself from to get a proper change of scene. There is no going back or moving forward.
He's dead. Buddy Dawn is dead.
How many minutes did it take him to lose composure? Did he even? When the ultimatum was posed to him, did he harden his heart to any regrets about abandoning his original faith, or did he relax into knowing he could live again, in service of something that reached for him and he reached back towards?
Why was he so chipper saying 'Dang, y'all, I worship a nameless god of rage.'? He didn't sound horrified by his decision in much the same way he didn't sound in touch with reality when he said 'Sometimes I raise my hand and magic that burns folks to a crisp comes out, but that's just the lord Helio working through me.' His death didn't change him so much as it fixed his gaze onto something new.
He is still a Cleric. Through and through. His soul needs a divinity to latch onto. And this is the first time he has latched onto a divinity wholly and completely for himself. He was not taught how to live for himself. He was taught how to live and die for a cause. For Helio. He earns a nice afterlife via sacrificing his autonomy to whatever the church tells him is good and right.
But he doesn't want a nice afterlife.
He wants another life.
And he no longer has faith that Helio will deliver him from any hardship, because even after he's just barely grasped how dead he is and has been for the past 11 minutes, his soul is wrent into an ultimatum by a different power. Go back to his body and continue living under a new banner, or be trapped in a dark, solitary purgatory which his soul may never be free from.
It's an easy decision, really. Barely requires any thought, only following a feeling. He no longer wants to stand by the god who allowed him to die so unceremoniously and so unfairly. He honestly feels more betrayed by Helio than he does by Kipperlily. Kipperlily hardly made any promises to him, just asked for him to be the party's cleric. He never expected her to do that, sure, but... His whole life he was promised that every bad emotion he ever felt in response to every wrongness in his life would (should, must, has to) simply evaporate away in the golden light of the corn god. And it's been an eternal 12 minutes, but he only feels worse and worse.
And if all Helio could promise him was a flat expanse of farmland overseen by someone who didn't even properly greet him when he walked in (if the celestial bureaucracy were even doing their jobs and funneled the soul of Helio's cleric to Helio instead of some cosmic waiting room or other), but this nameless deity can promise him a life for himself? Then by god he's taking that ultimatum, come back to life, sit up with a slightly surprised little smile and announce to the world (as he has been taught is right to do when you are devoted to a god) 'I worship a nameless god of rage!'
And he'll be happy with this choice-that-is-not-a-choice which he was betrayed and coerced into. Because it truly feels self indulgent to choose anything. To choose ragefully living for himself instead of obediently dying for an unfulfilling promise. He'll choose the intensity and the darkness because the gentle constant pressure cooker of walking in the light gave him nothing but sunburns and a slit throat.
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kamisatomay018 · 2 months ago
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Thorns Under The Moon (My theories and interpretations) - Major Spoilers Ahead!!
Okay holy shit you guys I needed hours to gather my thoughts and theories for this one because my god was this main story quest a rollercoaster of emotions!😭
Where do I even start OMFG, there’s so much to unpack here so please bear with me if my thoughts are a little scattered! Also this will be a long rant so please feel free to ask questions or share your opinions too!!
Firstly can we please just appreciate how husband coded Zayne really is? Like him and MC have the most canonly romantic relationship in the main story quest till now! With the other boys, MC isn’t as romantically involved as she is with Zayne imo and I absolutely adore that!
ALSO JEALOUS ZADDY? Yes please I had so much fun🤤🤤 (more on that in another post!)
All in all I loved just how much trust Zayne and mc put in each other and their abilities. Like Zayne knew that MC would be able to control the metaflux with her evol, and MC knew that Zayne would absolutely finish the surgery in 5 minutes. I really admire how they’re so trusting of one another🥹🥹
Now let’s get to the serious part shall we?
I swear I felt my heart stop for a moment when I saw Zayne in dawnbreaker’s clothes. For literally a solid 10 minutes while the story progressed I thought that the wanderer had teleported MC in dawnbreaker’s world and doctor Zayne got left behind. The way he gave her a chocolate and his fridge was full of those energy drinks, the jasmine on the table and the eerie vibe of the scene gave me chills.
However. I can very confidently say that it was NOT dawnbreaker, and I know there’s a lot of confusion about the same so let me break it down for you guys here:
1. We all know that MC has the ability of distinguishing her Zayne from Dawnbreaker, because it has happened in a 4 star memory before (I’m so sorry I can’t remember which one) where for a brief moment Dawnbreaker entered Zayne’s consciousness and MC immediately recognised it was not him just by looking into his eyes, even though the physical form was literally the Same. Here, we see the way MC was puzzled by his clothing and made sure to thoroughly examine Zayne by touching his face and looking into his eyes. Once she realised that it really was her Zayne, we saw how she visibly relaxed.
2. Had it truly been dawnbreaker, he would’ve been CONFUSION! Because how is it that the girl of his dreams is in his world? But Zayne had his familiar humour, making jokes about carrots and even knowing all about the wanderer situation that him and MC were facing. Had it truly been Dawnbreaker, it would’ve been impossible for him to understand anything at all.
3. And of course there is the most important fact that we know now that the wanderer had transported the two of them into Zayne’s dreams to trap them there, as it had the ability of traversing through space and time. And since Dawnbreaker and Zayne dream of each other all the time, we got transported to the ‘nightmare’ that always plagues Zayne. There was no reality as such in this case, they were in a Dream, and the even though the two had gone missing for 3 days in real life, they were never in Dawnbreaker’s world. It was simply an illusion of Zayne’s nightmares.
Now that we have established all of this, I just want to take a moment to emphasise on just how broken dawnbreaker’s world really is. The darkness, the loneliness the must face on a daily basis hurt my soul. Like if Zayne is so fucking troubled just by DREAMING about what Dawnbreaker has been through, I do not even want to imagine how Dawnbreaker Zayne is able to live in his broken world every single day after dreaming about how Doctor Zayne in another life is happier than him. Like please don’t hurt my poor baby Dawnbreaker like this😭😭
Then of course comes the climax of the story, when Zayne and MC split up to destroy the protocore cluster. When I tell you I SOBBED seeing Zayne in so much pain you guys😭 I just wanna hug him and put him in my pocket🥺 However all this aside, there’s so much we need to focus on from that one scene alone!
Firstly we get to see glimpses of Doctor Zayne’s trauma with how he struggles to save every patient that comes to him, with voices of people begging him to save him and accusing him. We also see how William had begged him to kill him because it was too late when they were in the arctic, which deeply traumatised Zayne.
However, the more interesting part is that of Dawnbreaker’s trauma. We see how he had to kill the little child and his mother, and how they were so surprised and kind of betrayed by the fact that he had to kill them, but at the same time they also begged to be killed when they realised that their time was up. BUT! Who is this girl that was featured again and again? Who was afraid of being killed next but all the same begged Dawnbreaker to kill her?
I believe it is MC, his MC. Because we see how Doctor Zayne is visibly pained when she gets injured or well killed. This is where shit gets real dark: I think we now finally know what happened to dawnbreaker’s MC. I believe that she either got turned into a wanderer, or her protocore syndrome went out of control and so she begged Dawnbreaker to kill her off.
Of course there is no confirmation of her being MC but it is the closest possible theory because we know that the girl held a great deal of importance for him. And my god this SUCKS because just how much pain will you give to that poor guy😭
Nowwww here comes another very interesting part: we potentially heard Astra’s voice. And I HATE HIM UGH- IF it really is him, He said two lines: “you shouldn’t throw yourself in danger just for her.” “Seek your destiny, only then can you be redeemed.”
Of course again there is no confirmation that it was Astra but with what the male voice said, him being Astra makes the most sense. What absolutely pains me about this is that Zayne potentially knows that he can break himself free from this cycle of death and trauma that he puts himself in by loving MC, that he STILL has a chance to be redeemed by seeking his “destiny” despite disobeying his god. But he doesn’t want to do it at all because it would involve living in a world where he cannot be with her and that to him is unacceptable. He is ready to die and be in all this pain just so that he can get to love MC😭😭 Tell me a love purer than zayne’s🥺
This also leads me to speculate that Doctor Zayne is already also aware about Foreseer Zayne. We know that Foreseer knew of a “Zayne”. But now I think that Zayne has either regained his memories of that lifetime or through research has found something about the Foreseer. That would explain his frequent trips to the arctic which he doesn’t even explain to MC in full detail, as well as him hearing Astra’s voice.
And while we are at foreseer’s topic
Once MC started healing Zayne’s injuries, she saw a fragment of her past life with Foreseer who also begged her to leave him. That gave me absolute chills you guys because we have been able to see her get flashbacks twice now- one with Sylus and now one with Zayne. Could this mean that she will soon start spiralling because of all these unknown memories of her past? And how exactly would she be able to accept just how much she’s hurt the boys (unintentionally ofc)?
But my goodness Zayne really needs to stop putting his life on the line to save us, I mean come on he somehow froze MC’s wound or something like that and absorbed it in his heart???😭😭 MY BABY IS SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU HOW WILL I SURVIVE😭
Towards the ending we get to learn a very important piece of information- that Ever is creating monsters and are basically saving people or extending their lifetime who are nearly dying. And who do we know had basically gone Kaboom?? CALEB. I am so fucking sure that Caleb is going to be a part of Ever in some way or the other and it will NOT be pleasant.
What also bothers me is that Xavier and Rafayel are also somehow linked to Ever- Rafayel through the deal he made before he sent MC into the N109 zone, and Xavier through the red collar type situation that he is forced to have on which restricts his freedom. Just how powerful is this group??
The last thing that was on my mind was the ending of the main story. Zayne’s dream. He apparently finally catches up with “the girl” and just as they are happy together, they end back into the doomed hospital corridor where she seems to be dying/heavily injured. So what bothers me is that is this dawnbreaker’s past or is it a hint of what MC and Zayne’s doomed fate holds for them? Right now they’re so happy together, but with how their love is cursed, is the ending supposed to be some twisted way of telling us that no matter what, Zayne cannot truly be with us and will have to watch us die?
I swear if this is what it is I will sob and cry and quit the game because I WANT A HAPPY ENDING WITH ZAYNE😭😭
Anyways this is the end of my long rant with some theories I had!! I would love for you guys to tell me what y’all think in the comments and let me know if I missed something!🩷
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isleofair · 8 months ago
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Tiger & Bunny Week Day 5
Fan Theories and/or Predictions
I've been wanting to make this meta post for a long while, but since there was no way to reach any truly solid conclusions, I always ended up setting it aside.
But since today's prompt is fan theories... I figure I might as well give this the best go I can!
Today on "Aria fixates on scraps of collateral canon in an attempt to better figure out the Tiger & Bunny timeline, since the authors just will not give us the info straight up, dammit": when did each of the characters debut as a hero?
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(under a cut for length and screenshots of actual excel spreadsheets lol)
So, we know the answer to that question for sure for about half of the heroes: Wild Tiger debuted in NC1967, Barnaby in NC1977, and the three new kids in NC1980 (at least in Stern Bild; Subaru worked for a little while as a hero in Panjourney before joining Hero TV).
(Yeah, the hero card of himself Kotetsu picks up in the pilot is technically for the '76-'77 season of Hero TV, so maybe it saying he's got 10 years of experience means his debut was actually in NC1966... but nothing says the cards don't get updated as the season goes on, and this isn't too relevant to my number crunching, anyway.)
As for the rest of them, we can make at least an attempt at (vaguely) guessing by analyzing the experience data on the Hero Cards, which you can see for Season 1 and The Rising here on the amazing Merch Wiki (shoutout to @tnbscans 😘), and for Season 2 here in an older post of mine, or here on Twitter (both courtesy of @Kazuko_01 over there).
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This is a chart of the experience values in all the available hero cards:
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The reason Barnaby's values are in yellow is that they really, REALLY tried to throw off all of my math 😅
See, the experience values seem to only take into account how many seasons of Hero TV (or an equivalent of it) you've appeared in, however briefly. (At some point I thought maybe becoming the King of Heroes would grant you bonus exp, but Karina doesn't seem to get a boost from the '79-'80 season, when the CD dramas tell us she tied with Keith and became the Queen of Heroes.)
Barnaby took essentially all of NC1979 off, spent a quarter of NC1980 in the Second League, and his score during the Rising is still an absurd 3/5. The only possible way that can even remotely work is that the time off is discounted entirely AND that the exp values aren't strictly proportional to your years of experience, but more along the lines of a curve (stretched every time to accomodate the longest career, Kotetsu's) where having been a hero for at least a season before, as opposed to being a rookie, gives you an additional point on the scale, and each subsequent point requires more years of extra experience.
(This would make a certain amount of sense: there's a lot of difference between being a total rookie and someone who's been on another season, or two, but not that much difference between having worked 9 or 10 seasons before.)
The crucial facts to make this work, and the reasons I had to discard a lot of other possible ways map the years to the exp values, are:
The cards, in spite of having 5 possible scores in S1 and The Rising and 6 possible scores in S2, really only ever have a baseline plus four extra values above it, since the 1/6 or 0.5/3 score in the S2 cards is unused (hence me counting the scores as "out of 3"). I initially thought maybe it was because all the S2 kids had some prior experience, since Subaru used to be a hero before coming to Stern Bild, but the manga tells us Thomas for sure did not, so it's not that (RIP Subaru for them ignoring your days as Hello Goodbye);
Bunny skips ahead two notches between his debut in the 1977-78 season and the 1979-80 season in The Rising;
Antonio goes from having max 5/5 experience along with Kotetsu in S1 to having a score of 2.5/3 (or 5/6), along with Nathan, Keith, and Ryan, in S2. This means he definitely debuted after Kotetsu, but before Nathan and Keith (and almost certainly Ryan).
With all of that in mind, this is the best possible thing I could personally come up with:
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I marked down the two most likely ways to map the years to the exp values for each set of cards that still somehow work at the bottom (with blue being min experience if you debuted that year, and red being max). The fully grayed-out years are downright impossibilities (again, not counting Subaru's time as Hello Goodbye, since the cards don't); the softer gray is "very unlikely", the mid blue is "possible", and the deeper blue is "most likely" (thin border) or "sure" (thick border).
I didn't really try to come up with an arrangement that would let any of Ivan, Karina or Pao-Lin debut any earlier than NC1976, because a) both Ivan and Karina have conversations with their bosses in the pilot episode that really make it seem like the just-concluded season was their first, and b) as it is Pao-Lin already became a hero at TWELVE YEARS OLD and that's enough of a headache for me, thank you very much.
The riveting conclusions, assuming this makes any sort of sense at all (and that I didn't put way more thought into this than the people who made the cards did):
Antonio almost certainly debuted in NC1969 or NC 1970, two or three years after Kotetsu;
Ryan (whose experience outside of Stern Bild seems to be fully counted, sorry again, Subaru) doesn't appear in the S1 cards, so it's a little harder to narrow his debut down, but since he's apparently younger than Barnaby, which would make him a teenager for most (if not all) of his possible range of debut years, I'd very personally tend to put him more around NC1973 than anywhere else;
Nathan and Keith most likely debuted in either NC1971 or NC1972... but I would strongly argue that the only really viable year out of these two is NC1972. That is the year Tomoe died, and Nathan and Keith, before episode 1x09, had no idea at all that Kotetsu was ever even married, let alone a widower with a daughter. I simply cannot imagine Nathan, especially, witnessing a colleague she sees pretty much every day go through the loss of his wife, and not prying enough, either with Kotetsu himself or with Antonio (who is not terribly good at keeping Kotetsu's secrets, see ep 1x09 again), to eventually find out what was going on. If Tomoe died before October, when the 1972 season of hero TV started, Nathan and Keith, debuting that year, would have met Kotetsu only after the fact, which seems a lot more plausible.
(Yes, that last thing does support my cute headcanon of FireSky being almost polar-opposite rookies together, but to be fair, the headcanon itself came directly from this math, and not the other way around.)
If you read all of this, we are true siblings in T&B nerdery and ILU forever. Especially if you have any ideas on how to make the data make more sense, lol. 💚
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lemotmo · 3 months ago
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Just random, silly questions about you and the show:
1. On what format do you watch 911? Tv, computer, tablet, phone?
2. Do you have a ritual before sitting down and watching it? Get a glass of wine, tea? Put on your pjs, etc.?
3. Do you watch it with someone?
4. Do you check Tumblr prior to watching an episode? Do you mind spoilers or do you avoid them?
5. How often do you re-watch an episode that airs?
6. When you go back to re-watch an episode, do you ever skip to the Buddie scenes? 😝
7. Do you enjoy more drama based episodes or the fun and comedic?
8. What’s your immediate reaction to a cliffhanger? Frustration? Excitement?
9. When 911 ends, would you be interested in a 911 movie or should they leave it as is?
10. What would you consider to be a solid series finale? Where are the characters at in the end?
Oooh, these are nice.
I watch on my tablet, since I don't live in the US. I can only watch it a day later. I wake up every Friday and the first thing I do is download the episode, so I can watch it when I have time in between work.
Nope, I mostly watch it somewhere in the morning, so usually I just sit down on the couch with a coffee in hand and watch it. I do always take some tissues with me in case I have to cry. 😋
I watch alone. I hate it when people start talking when I'm watching a show or movie for the first time. So, I always watch alone.
Well, it depends. Last season I sometimes asked a mutual to drop a couple of spoilers about certain topics in my inbox for some of the episodes. I went spoiler free for the finale I think. All the previous seasons I just went on Tumblr first and then watched the episode fully spoiled. 😂 I'm planning on watching season 8 spoiler free though. I have some hopes for this season and I'd like to be surprised. 🤞🤞🤞
Well, I watch it in its entirety for the first time. Then afterwards, I watch again in pieces so I can write down my thoughts about it and post it on Tumblr. If it's a really good episode, I might rewatch it again during the weekend. But after that I'm focused on the next one. Once the entire season has aired, I usually do a complete rewatch.
Well yeah. Of course. Sometimes I do a Buddie only rewatch of the best Buddie episodes and skip to all the big Buddie moments. 😏
Depends on how my day has been or on my mood. I love comedy, but I also love drama. So, I don't really have a preference.
Complete excitement! I start theorising and analysing straight away as well. The further into the hiatus my frustration grows though, because of the 'not knowing', you know?
No, they should leave it as it is in my opinion. I don't want them to milk the concept and make it into something it isn't. So no movie for me, thanks.
Pfff, well: I'd love to see Bathena retired and happy. Both Athena and Bobby really need to let go of their jobs. Enough already. Let them truly enjoy their life together. I'd love for Henren to be happy with Denny and Mara, just living their life together, enjoying the little things. I would kill to see Hen as the new Captain of the 118, taking over from Bobby. Then Madney. They are finally in a good place. Let's keep them there. I would love for them to have another child. They could adopt and give that child the best life they could possibly have. As for Buddie... I want to see them happy together. Just them and Christopher. Maybe another child in the future, but not yet in the series finale. It might be implied though. I would love to see them married and settled, making each other happier than ever. They would live in a new house. After Buck sold his loft they lived in Eddie's house for a while, but with their plans to expand their family they eventually move out to a bigger house.
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hesbuckcompton-baby · 1 year ago
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Damage Gets Done - SAS: Rogue Heroes x OC - Chapter 1
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Masterlist | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11
Summary: Seeking support for the foundation of the SAS, David Stirling finds himself a new recruit in the most unlikely of places, and Diana Fayed is offered her first opportunity to make a real difference in the conflict that has taken over her home.
Relationships: L Detachment x Platonic!OC, eventual Reg Seekings x OC
Warnings: Mentions of violence, language, descriptions of injury and sickness (fever, vomiting), death
Word Count: 3.8k
Tags: Please let me know if you wish to be tagged!
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The room was spinning, the fountain - now broken beyond repair - spilling out a pool of water that edged slowly closer and closer. There was blood on her hands. On her chest, on her face, the taste of it reaching her tongue. One of her eyes was swelling shut, but even as her vision began to blur, she could not tear it from the body at her feet - him sprawled across the tiles, lying on his face, her sitting silently beside him, leaning back on her elbows, the metal pipe in her hand leaving her palm cold and numb.
There were footsteps echoing off the walls, approaching from the corridor behind her, speeding up from a stroll to a run, getting louder and louder with each passing second. But the sound scarcely reached her, the thrumming of her heartbeat the only thing that felt real. Solid. The only thing she could truly focus on.
How did she get here? Was this her mission - her purpose?
The footsteps reached her, and she grew aware of a figure standing beside her, pausing a moment to take in the chaos.
"... Fucking hell."
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David Stirling marched along the streets of Cairo with purpose, an idea blooming and taking root further in his mind with each laboured step, his crutches clacking noisily against the cobbles. The sun scorched the exposed skin of his scalp, and he cursed the layers of woollen that made him sweat so profusely.
This was a long way to come - especially alone, and especially in his condition - but Stirling was seeking affirmation in the best place he could think of. The SAS was an insane, reckless, borderline insubordinate notion. Who better to seek approval from than a General known for his insubordination, recklessness, and insanity?
Armed men were posted at either side of the mansion's main entrance as he approached, keeping watch with as much seriousness as if they were guarding Buckingham Palace itself. The pair watched David with keen eyes, and he tried to ignore them as best he could as he stepped up to the door, rapping upon the wood with his knuckles.
Barely a moment passed before it was flung open, and Stirling almost stepped back in surprise, his grip on his crutches tightening. He had expected a butler, or another guard perhaps. What he had not expected was to be greeted by General Hannigan himself - peering up at him between a thick brow and even thicker moustache, his front emblazoned with countless medals from the Great War.
"Ah! Stirling, I take," the General smiled, ushering him inside. "You look rather like your mother. Ears like your father, though, I'm afraid," He sighed, offering a sympathetic shrug. David might have been offended somewhat had he not been so busy being utterly taken aback by the man as he followed him deep within the house. He had heard stories about Hannigan - of his maverick tactics on the battlefield, of his staunch dislike of any authority that wasn't his own - and even remembered meeting him briefly at Keir many years ago. But somehow the General still defied his expectations.
The house seemed to expand exponentially on all sides, every surface covered in souvenirs from travels all over the world. At the centre of the building, an open hallway snaked around the perimeter of a large courtyard, palm trees casting shade in every corner, a huge fountain bubbling away in the middle. One of the garden tables was littered with military papers, at least half of which Stirling was undoubtedly forbidden from reading. Nevertheless, Hannigan invited him to sit without making any effort to conceal them. "Right, tell me about this idea of yours, then. I've heard it's really something," He prompted, eyes gleaming with anticipation.
But as David laid out the plan for his proposed regiment, littering enticing images of destruction and mayhem to further draw him in, he found his spiel derailed, distracted by two figures on the other side of the courtyard. One was a huge brute of a man, tattoos covering his muscled arms, handlebar moustache sliced through by a scar that covered much of his top lip - even from here it was as if he could sense the force that would come with each blow as he raised his fists. Standing against him however, was a girl. A whole head shorter than her opponent, bruised knuckles bared, she watched him with dark, sharp eyes, peering out from beneath freckled skin, an unruly mane of curls piled high atop her head. They were smiling at each other, smirking as if they had done this a hundred times before, and without a word of warning the man leapt at her. Before he could blink, the pair were going at it, wrestling against each other's bodies, hurling blows, their feet occasionally slipping against the polished tile floor.
Hannigan followed Stirling's gaze, and a pleased grin tugged at his expression. "Oh, yes. That's my Diana," He passed a glance at his watch. "If she's sparring already, we must be having tea soon. Perhaps you would join us?"
He ignored this offer, watching intently as they fought. Everything he had come to learn led him to expect that she would lose - that this man would hurl her on her back, knock her down with one blow, that she would be crushed beneath his hulking weight. But she was not. She held her own - hell, she seemed to enjoy it, grinning every time she sent her opponent reeling, clutching at his nose or crotch.
"She's good," He nodded.
"Well, she'd better be. She's been training near twenty years longer than any of your boys."
Stirling barely had time to respond to this before an ear-splitting crack echoed across the yard, making him cringe. He was unable to tell where it had come from until the man was knocked flat on his back and finally yielded, taking a moment to nurse his wrist, pain contorting his expression as Diana turned to approach the table.
"We'll need to find someone else for a while," She informed her father breathlessly, her fringe plastered to her forehead with sweat. "I think his wrist is broken."
"Very well," The General nodded, his tone startlingly non-committal despite the grunts of pain still coming from the man in the corner. "Diana, this is David Stirling - He's founding an exceptionally interesting new regiment, sounds like something you'd be interested in."
At this, David raised a brow, opening his mouth to speak but receiving no chance as Diana stepped forward, extending a hand to introduce herself. "Ah. Diana Fayed, a pleasure to meet you-?"
"Lieutenant," He nodded politely, accepting her hand with a shake, before suddenly remembering what her father had said. Still gripping her palm in his own, he turned his gaze back to the General. "Sorry, one moment - what do you mean she would be interested?"
"Oh, you really ought to take her with you, David. It's about time she saw some real action - not much use keeping her here so she can break the bones of every un-enlisted man in Cairo, is it?"
Stirling frowned, his brow creased with uncertainty. "Are you... familiar with parachutes, Diana?"
"Not intimately. Although I daresay I could manage it without paralysing myself," She smiled, and he suspected she knew more about him than he had previously thought. It suddenly occurred to him that this was exactly the type of person he was searching for to join his unit, and had she been a man he would have accepted her on the spot. It appeared the only person not thinking clearly here had been David himself.
"Have you enlisted?" He asked.
"Don't worry about that," Hannigan waved a hand dismissively. "I'll get the paperwork through by tonight, it's no matter. Now, let's call for some tea-"
"Actually," Diana interrupted. "I'm going out." With an affectionate kiss to her father's temple, she turned away, and made it halfway across the courtyard before calling out. "Aren't you coming, David?"
Unsure of what to make of such a family, Stirling's gaze travelled slowly from her to the General still sitting opposite him. Hannigan shrugged. "Don't look at me, son. Just do as she tells you, and you'll make it out alive."
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In all his life, David Stirling had never met anyone quite as bad at driving as himself. Until now, that was. Streaking at blinding speed down the streets of Cairo, he could have sworn the wheels lifted off of the ground on one side of their car as Diana took the corner at speed, her hair flying wildly at all angles in the wind. At one point, she almost hit a tradesman as he scurried about in the street attempting to hock some watches, and called out over her shoulder in Arabic a string of what was either apologies or curses - both of which seemed equally likely to him at the time.
"So, the plan is to raid the airfields and destroy the planes before they can take off, yes?" She asked, the vehicle slowing to a somewhat manageable speed. Stirling felt the sudden and rare urge to thank some higher power.
"That's right, yes. It's never been done before, which is why I need to find some mad, tough bastards to do it."
"You have anyone in mind?" Diana turned to look at him, tearing her eyes from the road, and he fought to suppress a yelp as they crossed a busy junction without so much as a pause.
"... Have you heard of Paddy Mayne?" Stirling asked, his fingers digging into the side of the leather seat to steady himself as they rounded another tight corner.
"Heard of him? I've met him - at least I think I have. Saw him in a bar a few months ago, he mistook me for a prostitute and then got arrested for punching some bloke's teeth out."
"That was... definitely Paddy," He admitted, running a hand over his brow.
"Well, he seems a good fit. If you can get him out of Ghadzi, that is," They drove in silence for a while, slowing as they reached traffic. "Where was it you needed us to go, by the way?"
"I will be getting out on the corner and going to the nearest bar I can find in an attempt to make myself forget every minute I've spent in this car with you, Diana. You will be going to Ghadzi, to pick up Paddy Mayne."
She raised a brow. "What?"
"I've already gotten him out of prison, it's all sorted. They will, however, be in need of a lift, and this car is... very large."
The pair rolled to a halt at the changing light, and Stirling seized the opportunity to get out of the vehicle, taking his crutch with him as he clambered out and closed the door. Before he could walk away, he bent down to poke his head through the open window. "Oh, and... let one of the others drive once you get there."
Diana chuckled, leaning across the passenger seat to call after him as he began to leave. "You're going to want to stop at the second nearest bar! The first one is... It's really bad."
"I will take that to heart," David nodded, and they offered each other one last smirk before parting ways.
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Diana was leaning up against the bonnet of her car, hand raised to shield her eyes from the blinding afternoon sun as Paddy Mayne stepped out of the gates to Ghadzi Prison, deep in conversation with the man at his side. He appeared filthy and battered, but ultimately in no worse condition than he had been in the first time they had met. The man with him was dressed in the standard army uniform, head tilted towards Mayne as he muttered into his ear, occasionally letting out a huff of amusement at something the man said. Neither of them seemed to notice her presence until the moment she spoke.
"Lieutenant Mayne?" She called. For a moment, he looked irritated that someone had interrupted him, severing his train of thought, but once it appeared to register who was standing before him, he sighed.
"Noooo. No. No, no," Mayne shook his head, raising a hand as if to bat her away whilst his companion watched on with a furrowed brow. "Whatever you've been sent for, I'm not fuckin' interested, alright?"
"Well, Stirling was certainly under the impression that you were coming," Diana shrugged, watching as Paddy's expression twisted with indignation.
"You know Stirling now, do you? Christ alive, he'll let anyone in, won't he?"
"Do you know her, Paddy?" The other man asked, slotting his hands into his pockets as his gaze flitted between the two.
"I'm Diana Fayed," She smiled politely, and he returned the gesture, reaching out to shake her hand.
"Eoin McGonigal."
"Aye, we've met," Paddy scowled. "Handed me over to the MP's, she did."
"I did not. I suggested you should be removed from a club after you punched a man so hard half of his teeth fell out. And, if I remember correctly, you mistook me for a prostitute and tried to pay me to leave you alone."
McGonigal let out a bark of laughter at this as Mayne passed his weight from foot to foot, staring at Diana as he found himself suddenly short of reasons to be angry at her. With a clench of his jaw, he tore his gaze away from her, folding his arms tightly across his chest as he leaned his back up against the side of the car.
"Parachuting into the fucking desert," He muttered, his head still shaking side to side, seemingly unable to suppress the motion since the moment he had left the prison.
"It would seem so," Diana confirmed.
"General Hannigan's daughter, she is," Paddy told Eoin nonchalantly, gesturing to her with one hand.
"Oh, really?"
"Adopted," She shrugged - an answer that seemed to satisfy them all.
It fell silent between them, just long enough to become awkward. Diana craned her head to the side, glancing back at the traffic passing by behind them. Becoming suddenly agitated at their stillness, she let out a huff, turning to seize the passenger door handle. "Alright, let's go-"
"Nope." Paddy shook his head. She planted a hand on her hip, gnawing the inside of her lip irritably.
"Why?"
"Waiting."
"For who?"
His head lolled to the side, the corner of his mouth curling upwards in a smile she could tell was intended to annoy her. "Fresh meat."
Opening her mouth, she found her tongue had run dry of anything to say. Her gaze darted momentarily to Eoin, who stood to the side with his hands in his pockets, waiting patiently and quietly, content to ignore Paddy's attempts at riling her. Looking back at Paddy, she finally spoke, her jaw clenched. "... What?"
At that moment, the door to Ghadzi was pulled open again, the rusted metal hinges drawn back with an uncomfortable screech. As the guard stepped aside, a man emerged into the daylight, peering up at the bright sky above him. Blonde hair slicked back away from his face, he sported a slew of minor cuts and bruises, littered across his face and knuckles. He carried a small bag of his belongings and walked with a confident swagger, and it became alarmingly clear that this was Paddy's idea of a good candidate... although she wasn't entirely sure he was wrong.
"This is Reg," Mayne introduced, pushing himself away from the car with his boot, leaving a muddy imprint of his heel upon the door that made Diana frown.
"Pleasure to meet you," Eoin stepped forward, offering his hand. He seemed by far the most agreeable of the bunch, accepting Reg's handshake as the newly released soldier eyed him up and down.
"Another fucking Paddy," Reg teased, his accent thick, gaze travelling back and forth between the other two men as Eoin let out a chuckle. "This regiment isn't all fucking Paddies, is it?"
"Nah, not all, we have women too, eh?" Mayne teased, giving Diana a playful slap on the shoulder. Side-eyeing him, she stepped closer towards Reg, reaching out for a handshake. If Paddy Mayne sought to make her regret coming here, she would ensure he found it awfully hard work.
"Oh, yeah?" Seekings asked distractedly, shaking her hand as they introduced themselves to one another. He treated her far more graciously than he had the others, and she couldn't help but wonder how long he had been in Ghadzi - how long it had been since he'd last seen a woman.
"Right, if there's no one else lurking inside we need to collect, shall we go?" Diana asked, and Paddy nodded, the party turning towards the car. She had made it all the way to the driver's side door before she paused, her hand hovering over the handle before withdrawing. "David ordered that someone else drive the car. Apparently, I display 'a concerning disregard for the sanctity of human life', according to him."
Seekings laughed at this, and Paddy agreed to take the wheel, shunting her into the backseat. It would be a long drive to Kabrit, and God knows how long before she would see her father or her home again. For as long as she could remember, she had been preparing for this moment, fighting all her life to make herself into a soldier her father would be proud of. She was his prodigy, his legacy, and it was only now that she was here, swaying with each turning as they wove through the city and out towards the desert, did she realise what enormous pressure she was under.
The year had been 1920, some time after Diana Fayed's third birthday, although the exact date of this had long been lost to years of inadequate record-keeping. The ceiling of the tiny flat hung low, drapes covering every window to shield its inhabitants from the fierce afternoon sun, the water in the glass upon the table slowly evaporating in the sweltering heat. Years down the line, Diana would remember little of this time, save for the overpowering stench of sweat and sickness that bathed the place, an ever-present reminder of the life that ebbed further away from her mother day after day as she lay, curled up in the bed they shared, passing in and out of delirium, weak groans escaping her dry throat. A fever ravaged her body, droplets of sweat beading on every inch of her skin save for the dry flesh of her lips, which had grown chapped and cracked as she found herself increasingly unable to hold down food or drink, her vomit coming more and more watery with each passing day.
They could not afford a doctor. They could scarcely afford anything since the day Diana had been born, her father's death on the Middle Eastern front savagely ripping away the only real income they had. When she had been strong, her mother had been a seamstress, sewing gowns for the wealthy white women who lived on the nicer side of Cairo. When Diana had been a baby, she had been strapped to her mother's back, carried to and from their home to the lavish houses of her clientele, and laid to rest in a wicker basket as the woman worked away at her sewing machine, the constant whirring soothing the infant to sleep.
But once the sickness had set in, everything had stopped - the walks across the city, the comforting sound of work, the money. There was little food left in the flat, and what they did have was turning sour in the oppressive heat, flies gathering in the corners of the room, feasting on the fruit that had gone too foul to eat. For weeks now, Diana had survived on little more than scraps of bread, the meats and cheeses running out a few days prior. She had grown thin, waiting for her mother to die, her ribs sticking out under the thin fabric of her shirt.
When her mother finally died, her last breath escaping her in a violent fit of coughs, the sound of the child's inconsolable crying had alerted the neighbours, and an old woman had come to the door, holding a scarf to her face to ward off the stench that now permeated every inch of the place. She had taken Diana's tiny body in her arms, feeding her out of her bountiful pantry before taking her to the orphanage, handing her over to live among the other children who had lost their parents to war, sickness and poverty. She could not remember if Diana had been the name she had been born with, but somewhere along the line, it had become hers. She had always been Fayed. The people she had grown up around remembered her father, remembered his loss and remembered his name. If she had lost everything else she had been born into, she had always kept her father's name, the sound of it as it rolled off her tongue a constant reminder of how far she had come.
General Rupert Hannigan had saved her. He had brought her out of the gutter and into his home, had called her his daughter and never made her relinquish the name that had once been hers. The least she could do was make him proud.
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"Are you sure about this, David?" Jock Lewes asked sceptically, brow raised as the pair examined the file put before them. It had been alarming how swiftly these papers had found their way to Stirling's desk, as if Hannigan had had Diana's file assembled years ago, keeping it close to his chest, waiting for a chance to send her out onto the battlefield. As her photograph stared back at him, Stirling remembered watching her in the courtyard - the way she had taken that beast of a man down in moments, shattering his bone without hardly breaking a sweat. When the SAS had been but a figment of David Stirling's imagination, he had not known it yet, but Diana Fayed had been exactly the soldier he had in mind.
"I'm sure."
"You really want her?"
Stirling looked over to the man beside him. What they were doing was insane. It was unthinkable, the first of its kind, and unspeakably dangerous. And he realised then that this was one of the only things he was really, truly certain of.
"I need her, Jock."
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zzz-updates · 16 days ago
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[Prize Event] New Eridu Archives - Hoshimi Miyabi
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(New Eridu Archives — Reading File... Complete~ Please Check!)
Dear Proxy, we've received another signal from Hollow Special Operations Section 6. Let's take a look at the latest file~
Agent Record | Hoshimi Miyabi
It’s Chief Hoshimi Miyabi from Hollow Special Operations Section 6! As the youngest Void Hunter in history, I wonder if Ms. Miyabi has any tips on how to get stronger that she'd like to share with everyone?
"As a warrior, only through continuous training can one achieve true mastery, regardless the type of training."
Getting stronger step by step through steady and diligent training is definitely a solid approach.
But "regardless the type of training," so anything goes? It seems Ms. Miyabi is truly disciplined. Do any of you Proxies have training insights of your own to share? Design a training plan to share with Ms. Miyabi in the comments section and be in with a chance to win special prizes prepared by Miyabi!
[Event Duration]
2024/11/08 12:00 – 2024/11/011 23:59 (UTC+8)
Winners will be announced on 2024/11/14 in this event post.
[Event Prizes]
Character Stand (Random) ×20
After the event ends, we will select 20 Proxies at random from all participants to receive Character Stand ×1.
[How to Participate]
During the event, share your suggestions for Miyabi in the comments section of this post to participate.
>> Official Hoyolab post <<
[Notes]
1. Event winners will be announced in this post on 2024/11/14.
2. Please enable Reward Notifications before the announcement, as we will notify you of the results via System Messages. If you do not enable notifications and this affects the process of sending rewards, the rewards will not be re-issued. Link to system notification settings: https://www.hoyolab.com/setting/notification
3. Prizes in this event are limited to one per account.
4. Replies suspected of the following will be disqualified: reply content that violates community rules, plagiarism or theft of others' content, replying to a reply, starting a separate post to reply, and any posts containing advertising of any form.
5. Winners of physical prizes should fill in their address within 10 working days from the issuance of the winner's notification on the HoYoLAB platform, or their rewards will be deemed forfeited. For a step-by-step guide on how to fill out your address, please see >>> Prize Delivery Address Guide
6. For any questions regarding the event, feel free to contact us at: [email protected]
7. For more rules, please see >>
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etes-secrecy-post · 6 months ago
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Hi, before I explain my post, I want to say something important.
• What you see my blog has become a major overhaul. And despite the changes, I decided that my 2nd account will be now my artwork blog with a secret twist.
⚠️NEW RULE! (W/ BIGGER TEXT!)⚠️
⚠️ SO PLEASE DO NOT SHARE MY 2nd ACCOUNT TO EVERYONE! THIS SECRECY BLOG OF MINE IS FOR CLOSES FRIENDS ONLY!⚠️
• AND FOR MY CLOSES FRIENDS, DON’T REBLOG IT. INSTEAD, JUST COPY MY LINK AND PASTE IT ON YOUR TUMBLR POST! JUST BE SURE THE IMAGE WILL BE REMOVED AND THE ONLY LEFT WAS THE TEXT.
⚠️ SHARING LINKS, LIKE POSTS, REBLOG POSTS, STEALING MY SNAPSHOT PHOTOS/RECORDED VIDEOS/ARTWORKS (a.k.a. ART THIEVES) OR PLAGIARIZING FROM UNKNOWN TUMBLR STRANGERS WILL IMMEDIATELY BE BLOCKED, RIGHT AWAY!⚠️
😡 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT EVER LIKED & REBLOG MY SECRET POST! THIS IS FOR MY SECRET FRIENDS ONLY, NOT YOU! 😡
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Okay? Capiche? Make sense? Good, now back to the post…↓
#OnThisDay: Jun 9th, 2019
Title: Cuteness Member - Sammir
I missed his old version of Sammir 🥰💙💛🐻��️🤗, even in 5 years throughout our friendship between myself and G-Pal, rafacaz4lisam2k4. 🇵🇭🤝🇬🇹🥰🤗 That's why, I'm posting today's throwback from 2019's Sammir debut in the "Cuteness Defender Academy". 🤖😁
• In his old day, Sammir the bear with a "thunderbolt" ⚡ (or I should say "Wonderbolt" I should say derived from MLP) image from his outfits seems I found a perfect armor suit for him; speed, quick maneuver and quickly dodge any on coming fire range obstacles. And thus the armor "Zudah" 🤖 was here from the Zeon manufactures yours truly, with a tall shaped fin on his front helmet makes him a lead of the "HTF Wonderbolt Team" 🐻⚡.
Nowadays, his entire personality was changed, since June of 2023. You've already saw his new color uniform, and someday I'll update his "Cuteness Mecha Armor" colors, too. 😊
Zudah Sammir Based on: EMS-10 Zudah [CLICK ME!]
Armament(s):
M-120A1 120mm Zaku Machine Gun • This is the same machine gun model used by the MS-06 Zaku series. It is a shell firing gun that does not require energy to be used, however its effectiveness against heavy armor is very limited. It holds 100 rounds per drum with spare drums that can be stored on Zudah's waist armor racks, while the gun can be stored on Zudah's calf-mounted hard points when not in use.
H&L-SB25K/280mmA-P Zaku Bazooka • The 280mm Zaku Bazooka was another standard weapon that could be equipped to a Zaku-type armor suit. The bazooka fired explosive rounds that were quite effective against the armor of enemy suit(s) and battleships.
135mm Anti-Ship Rifle • Developed in the early phase of One Year War, the long-barreled 135mm anti-ship rifle is used by various models of Zeon armored suits for long-range sniping attack against opponent's warships.
Heat Hawk Type 3 • The Heat Hawk Type 3 is an axe-like weapon used by the original MS-06 Zaku II, whose name is short for "tomahawk". Thermal energy is relayed through the armor suit's hand to heat the heat hawk's blade, allowing it to slice through the armor of enemy warships or armor suits. The Heat Hawk can be stored on Zudah's calf-mounted hard points when not in use.
Shield • Attached to Zudah's left shoulder, it is capable of limited movement and can store two Sturm Fausts, a Flare Launcher, and a pair of foldable spikes for close-quarter combats.
Sturm Faust • A simplified, disposable rocket launcher. As the warhead is not equipped with a guidance device, it is extremely hard to use the Sturm Faust to hit a moving target accurately. However, it is still a highly destructive portable weapon.
Spikes • Fixed to the front of the shield, these two long spikes swing forward for use in high-speed charging attacks.
Flare Launcher • Zudah's shield can be equipped with a Flare Launcher near the inside tip of the shield. Solid rounds of pyrotechnic rockets can be fired from the Flare Launcher for signalling friendly forces nearby.
Big Gun • A armor suit-use sniping turret, it is equipped with a powerful, long-range beam cannon.
Sammir (HTF OC) - owned by rafacaz4lisam2k4 Armor (Mobile Suit Gundam MS IGLOO) - Gundam series © Bandai Namco Filmworks, Inc. (SUNRISE), Sotsu
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gaytwirights · 6 months ago
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See Behemo would probably like the 50s housewife aesthetic but she couldn't cook for the life of her. Rich kid things lmao. Plus Levia and Rahab are both takeout and delivery girlies so no one in this household is cooking. Anyway Seth could probably cook but it's all shit catered to his specific palate (guy who lives alone lmao) and it's probably more nutrients focused ngl. This is why dragonmask could balance each other out and yet another example of how these two would've made a great pair if they could just get their heads out of their asses and talk to each other. And also because of the murder attempt that one time
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daja-the-hypnokitten · 2 years ago
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Jukebox reviews part 28! For context, see my post “A Project”     under this same tag. If you want to see a full list of his EMCSA   stories, they can be found here, sorted alphabetically.And if you want to see some of his drabbles, check out his blog at @jukeboxemcsa
Double Vision
 date uploaded   date updated     Tags
1/2/2016                                       mc ff
First - ok, do the Ljosalfar also exist in the world of this story? (then again, are the Ljosalfar even a distinction from the Dokkalfar that existed pre-Christian influence? I dunno, the mythology is fairly incomplete as it stands, and none of this has anythign to do with the story so why am I spending so much time on this anyway?) Second, why does getting hit on the head give Jo the Second Sight? Or did she always have the capacity for it, and the hit just catalyzed it? REGARDLESS, as none of that has anythign to do with the actual control part of the story, moving on. It's a good story. Very fantasy, but I grew up LOVING mythology, so even though I'm a little rusty on it, seeing something drawing on myth is lovely. And the idea of control that most folk dont' notice, and that even though she *does* notice it Jo can't resist? It works within the context of the story. The actual control we see is fairly pedestrian by EMCSA standards, but the worldbuilding done around it means I like this story much more than I might have otherwise. 8/10 spirals 
 Wide Awake
 date uploaded   date updated     Tags
1/2/2016                                       mc mf md
This falls into the therapist abusing trust trope I strongly dislike, but outside of that it's well done and put together. If you like the trope, give this one a read! 
 Take Me Home Tonight
 date uploaded   date updated     Tags
1/9/2016                                       mc mf md
I don't know what to say about this story. It's so far out of my general realm of control I like that I have no frame of reference for it. It's half possession, half mind control of a different sort, and just not my style. But If you like dream and possession magic, give it a go? 
 Forever Your Girl
 date uploaded   date updated     Tags
1/16/2016                                     mc mf md cb rb
Huh, from the title I was expecting this to be a Girls(tm) story, not a superhero story, and not such a tragic one at that. Oh, it has its moments of heat, during the transformation that takes place, but the end of it is just tragic. To be forced to continue loving someone who's dead, unable to truly mourn, No matter how much heat is in the rest of the story, I can't find it hot on the whole with that layer of tragedy underlying it. it's a GOOD story, just ... another one that isn't really erotica to me. 5/10 spirals 
 Trust and Obey
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1/23/2016                                     mc ff hu
This story feels like a cross between Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat. I get distracted by the couplets, especially the occasional slant rhyme, and honestly Dr Seuess-esque language in an erotica story is just offputting. 3/10 spirals 
 X, Y and Zee
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1/30/2016                                     mc ff
... There is no IRB in the country that would approve this story, so this isn't just self-funded, but there can't be any meaningful oversight either. Also, her work needs more footnotes. Also, she clearly needs to review what we've learned from the Stanford Prison experiment; any time a researcher directly involves themselves in the experiment, as she did, it skews objectivity, and makes it less generalizable. We also ought to be presented with the method of recruitment; the nature of the recruitment can bias who is likely to apply. Further, any experiment of this sort should have included a boiler plate "you may revoke consent at any time" clause. Which clearly X was not provided. Putting the design/framing of the story aside, this is ... well, clearly it bothers me a little bit, given my science background, in the ways that it betrays the doctor's intentions with it. Which makes sense in context, but I get distracted considering how I'd improve the experiment. And it's a solid experiment for the goal of "how can I make girls want to have sex with me," rather than "how can I test response to authority?" - they *are* two different questions. The external view of the shifting mindset is less to my taste, and X's clear distress makes this less hot than it would be otherwise. 5/10 spirals 
 Kissing Disease
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2/6/2016                                       mc ff mf fd md
Nope, I had to nope out of this one. I can't with stories of a pandemic spreading and people minimizing it until it's undeniable that it has to be worse that they say it is. I just can't. 
 Skeleton Key
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2/13/2016                                     mc mf md
This one is a lot more magic than my preference, though the sudden internal changes are fascinating and add some heat for me. And Merrion acknowledging that he's being unethical actually makes me feel better, in some ways? I at least have more hope that he'll treat Paula right after this. And she clearly is getting something out of it, too, which helps. But it does come down to just being too magic for my tastes - though if you like magical artifacts driving the control, give this one a look. 6/10 spirals 
 The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall
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2/20/2016                                     mc mf ff fd hm
I never quite understand how pleasure is that overwhelming for folk. It can be fun to play with, sure, but to make me completely let go around someone who puts me on edge? I don't get it and never will. Especially given the context of their interaction here. Maybe I'm just too ace to ever truly grok it, though. But the way she uses the sensation to take control, to build an effective overload induction as she does? It's well done and well written, if a bit cold for my personal preferences.  7/10 spirals 
 Zone Out
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2/27/2016                                     mc
Another induction, and one that would be *really* good for folk who have trouble staying completely focused on a hypnotist, if it were a recording rather than a text induction, as it was clearly written to be read aloud.  The way it uses the idea of focusing on something other than the hypnotist, and letting their voice (and I want to say her, because I'm hearing Lady Ru'etha's voice reading it in my head, for all it's Jukebox's words) just slip past the conscious awareness. It does, of course, include arousal and orgasm suggestions, so be aware of that if you're susceptible to text inductions, but I also recommend hypnotists read this one and take some inspiration for if playing with folk who are easily distracted when trancing. 9/10 spirals
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televinita · 2 years ago
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I just stumbled across this, and while I don’t really like to sign up for reading challenges, I love checking them after the fact to see how many I happened to complete with my natural reading habits. So. Let’s go!
(text version of the prompts & my answers under the cut)
With a color in the name: ✅ Operation Red Jericho
Set in a foreign country: ✅ Secret Scribbled Notebooks (Australia)
Recommended by a friend: ❌ ...huh. I truly do not think I was influenced even by a Goodreads friend about a single book this year. As far as I can tell I came across everything on my own or in a general blog post.
Part of a series: ✅ The Killer in the Carriage House (Victorian Village Mysteries)
That you should have read in school: Dracula (j/k, I did not participate in the Tumblr book club at all) ❌
On the New York Times Bestseller list: ✅ As Good As Dead by Holly Jackson (I had to do some googling to figure out an answer here; I truly do not pay attention to this beyond knowing I hardcore ignore most of the books people are talking about)
Already on your bookshelf: ✅ Eden Summer, among a handful of others
With an animal in the name: ✅ Bearstone
From an author you already know: ✅ The Runaway’s Diary by Marilyn Harris
About health and wellness: ❌
With a pretty book cover: ✅ Fading Starlight by Kathryn Cushman
More than 20 years old: ✅ x 18; let’s randomly pick Drop Out by Jeannette Eyerley (1969)
Released in the year you were born: ❌ (dangit! I got as close as the year before...)
Published this year: ✅ x 10, like An Unforgiving Place by Claire Kells
Translated from another language: ❌
With a female protagonist:  ✅ x at least 70. Random pick: All The Things You Are by Courtney Sheinmel
That’s a memoir: ✅ Funny Farm: My Unexpected Life with 600 Rescue Animals (alternatively: Things I Should Have Said by JLS; I Want To Be Where the Normal People Are by Rachel Bloom)
With a one-word title: ✅ Damselfly; Brood
That was made into a movie: ✅ There You’ll Find Me
Over 500 pages long: ❌
Under 100 pages long: ✅ 42 Miles by Tracie Vaughn Zimmer
With a music or art theme: ✅ In Summer Light by Zibby Oneal
Involving water: ✅ What Waits in the Water (too on the nose?); Lake Season; The Lake Season
With a green book cover: ✅ assuming predominantly green/green background counts because few books are a solid color (unless that’s the challenge) -- Mom Jeans and Other Mistakes
Set in the 1800s: ✅ A Rumored Fortune (whew! I had exactly 1 here)
With a magical element: ✅ Spellbook of the Lost and Found
That’s a one-hit wonder: ✅ Holly Jolly Summer by Tiffany Stewart (I’m counting it based on it having been 4-going-on-5 years with nothing on the horizon)
About nature: ✅ Small Game
With chapter titles: ✅ Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts
With an index: ✅ Speaking For Ourselves - ed. David Gallo
With a map in the front: ✅ The Secret of Blandford Hall
That you heard about from a co-worker: ❌  
Bought from your local bookstore: ✅ A Patron Saint for Junior Bridesmaids (it didn’t specify new bookstore!)
That’s a Young Adult novel: ✅ x 30+ *spins a wheel* “The Mall.”
Only published as an e-book: ❌ (not even a shorty! :P) (please read that as “pbbbbbbt”)
About sports: ❌
That’s a murder mystery: ✅ x a bunch, like A Shroud of Leaves
Featuring the LGBTQ+ community: ✅ can a community be a girl and her ex? Because if so, We Are Okay. Otherwise, slim pickings.
By an author who shares your name: ✅ While You Sleep
On audiobook read by the author: ✅ Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better At It? - Kim & Penn Holderness
That’s a guilty pleasure: ✅ Castaways by Brian Keene (introducing me to the concept of “splatterpunk,” an experience I will not be repeating...but dang was this an addictive ride)
Written by 2 authors: ✅ Gideon’s Sword by Doug Prescott & Lincoln Child
Of poetry: ❌
About business: ✅ The Escape Room by Megan Goldin (TECHNICALLY there is a lot of talk about working in finance!)
About current events: ✅ Lies Like Wildfire (as the author was inspired by the recent California wildfires, I AM COUNTING IT)
Everyone is talking about: ✅ A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder
Based on a real person: ❌
That’s a coming of age story: ✅ *spins a wheel on the YA* Gap Life sounds good, or maybe Full Flight
About science: ❌
That makes you smile: ✅ The Maisie Lockwood Adventures! (on a related note: I really need to read more light/fun/happy books in ‘23)
FINAL GRADE: C (38/50) 😕
Maybe I should grade it on a curve...
P.S. There are technically still several days left in December and I got nothin’ but time, so I could still improve upon this score! Will come back to edit if and when I knock out additional accomplishments.
There is also one for 2023 at the source if you want to do it properly next year.
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dzpenumbra · 1 year ago
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8/19/23
Alright I'm just gonna start this by saying... I'm really not pleased with how Instagram works. I don't know if its the design of it (algorithms)... if it's the fact that I don't use the app to interact with other peoples' shit that often... or that others don't use it the way that I do? Or a combination of the three? I don't know. But I really... ugh... I'm tired of blaming myself for something that's clearly not my fault.
You can't fucking say something "isn't a career", and then even remotely insinuate that you are required to devote at least an hour or two a day to merely just browsing fucking social media and commenting and shit... when that isn't even in your fucking job description. I'm just venting because I put up not just one... but two posts today. And so far? 3 fucking likes. I doubt people have even seen it. And for those who did, it's just another thing for them to scroll past. My more impressive piece... somehow has just gone completely unnoticed because I posted it first... and has gotten zero interaction. My deer drawing on my pants. My realistic deer drawing done in fabric ink on my cargo shorts, that I'm really proud of. Zero interactions.
Here, I will show you exactly what Instagram has deemed is just... not fucking worth even looking at.
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It's so deeply demoralizing to be just... completely unseen. For years. For over a decade. It fucking sucks. (I swear, if I hear "you just need to put yourself out there" one more fucking time...)
I truly have believed for so long that like... the mark of a true career artist is not their skill, it's their passion and their perseverance. It's their ability to endure, because what the fuck else are they going to do?!
I don't want to go too deep down a rabbit hole of existential dread here, because yeah... This is really the reason I struggle to regularly post on social media. It's really like having a small gallery showing and inviting all your friends, and fucking one person shows up, looks at one painting for 5 seconds, says "I like the colors" and then "I have to go pick up my kid, keep up the good work!" I'm under no delusions here that I'm not going to get paid for that. I'm not going to be able to pay my rent on that. And I won't be able to put out a solid body of work if I reserve my art time for a few hours on the weekend. This deer took a total of close to 10 hours in 3 sessions. So... what took 3 days here... would take 3 fucking weeks if I was working some side gig. Try keeping up with Instagram's algorithm demands at that motherfucking pace. The deer isn't even the whole fucking piece, this is just the start.
So... I'm a bit upset. Did you notice? XD I guess just kinda frustrated that like... I spent my whole life working and training and I got really fucking good at something... and I'm incredibly inspired! And I'm working myself to the bone! And I don't even need compensation to keep me productive, I don't even need reception to keep me productive, because my inspiration flow is external and continuous. I just need to keep my arms in shape so I can work for more than a handful of hours at a time without burning out my arms and fingers. It's deeply deeply painful to put this much time and dedication into something that is... so all-encompassing to my purpose on this planet... and to get so many fucking genuine compliments of awe-struck people completely baffled that I, myself, with my own hands, created that from nothing. Reactions that people can't fucking fake, so I know they're real, I know I have talent. And this... all of this... means absolutely nothing. Because I can't pay rent with compliments. And my rent is through the roof. And I'm not willing to sell my soul. And my process does not work by trying to second-hand decipher someone else's inspiration, it works through direct connection to something beyond me. My own inspiration. That process is all I know, it's what I have trained for over 15 years.
I know very well... that if I spend the majority of my time behind a fucking desk or a counter or a stove somewhere just trying to keep the lights on... my connection with my inspiration will wane... and I will get physically sick... and I will feel completely detached from myself, lost, aimless, purposeless. I will dissociate, I will go into crisis mode. Just like I always do, every time I ignore art.
I literally tried to stop myself from going down this rabbithole and then just swan-dove down it anyway. XD
Welp, good thing we live in a society that is driven by popularity and wealth rather than skill, passion and integrity. It really seems to be doing a lot of good for us...
Okay, I promise I'm done. I just needed to get that out. I really don't want to dwell on that because I had a good day today, despite it raining all day.
I've been super hungry today... I woke up 4 hours into my sleep cycle, downed a heaping bowl of raisin bran and went back to sleep for another 2 hours... and somehow woke up starving. Depression, maybe? Not sure. Maybe my dinner last night was just much lighter than I thought. I started the day full-on consumed by the idea of reaching out to the friend who Facebook messaged me 2 years ago, whose message I just discovered last night. The friend that I drove 12+ hours and crashed on her pullout couch on my first time meeting her in person, who I used to play minecraft with back then. She has an Instagram that I discovered a few years back and she does really well-made cosplay stuff. Yeah. She's art-inclined. She was in school for Engineering when I met her. I have no idea how she makes it work, but she does it. And... I hope I'm not selfish for thinking this... but reconnecting with her could really change my life... because we already have some form of established relationship, and she could possibly help me find a place to fit my skills that will actually help pay the bills. Or hell, maybe even she herself needs an assistant, who knows? At very least, its rekindling a friendship from a decade ago.
I messaged her. Instagram does the whole... message request thing, so I could only send one. I wanted to send her a picture of the pristinely preserved poster that she gave to me when I visited her in her apartment when she was in college, that has been sitting in my acoustic guitar case ever since she gave it to me probably over 10 years ago at this point. I thought that would be the fucking coolest way to announce who was contacting her. But... I felt like sending an image as a first contact... if it wasn't an image that's shown... to a woman... yeah... Didn't want to risk getting screened there. So... I announced myself the boring way, told her I just saw her FB message (without saying "sorry", proud of myself for that) and said "tag, you're it". Still waiting to hear back from her, but it's Friday night so... yeah.
The other thing I decided to do spur of the moment? Contact the "former friend" who commissioned the logo design from me. Finally. Just... sending the text that I had prepared. Just pushing the green send icon. To tell him I'm not the right guy for the job. And I'll tell ya, it was not unlike doing a shove it when I was skateboarding the other day. I even said audibly to myself, "just jump forward". The advice I give to myself to get myself to land it when I do shove its. (I also didn't say sorry in this message, which was tremendously difficult and a very big accomplishment for someone who deeply struggles with a fawning response.) I got a huge shot of adrenaline when I sent that message. I haven't felt one like that in a while. But I just put my phone away and immediately went over and started to heat up my clothing iron to heat-set the paint on my pants.
I heat-set both the jeans and the hoodie. It took like... a minute, each. I was just like... "why the fuck did I stress about this so much?" XD I hope I did the right heat, I tried to follow the labels on the clothes. I hope I did the right time, the paint said 30 seconds... and I did a minute or more just to play it safe. I honestly have no way to tell if it's heat-set, I guess I'll have to find out the hard way.
That's what prompted the Instagram posts. Because my skating jeans and my shorts are going to have to go in the wash. My jeans because they're getting kinda nasty from me sweating in them and I need them for skating. My shorts with the deer on them because I need to test just how permanent these paint markers really are... Yep, that deer was a fucking test run. That wasn't even a finished piece. Imagine what a finished piece would look like...
So... I decided it would be wise to take some pictures of what I've been up to the past few weeks and share them. I did the shorts first, got a really nice photoshoot of them. I wrote a really well thought out description and added about 10 hashtags... not that it really seems to make a fucking difference... it's super rare that hashtags get me any new attention. I posted, then did the jeans and repeated the process.
The rest of my night was yoga, showering, prepping homemade salsa - which was very short on tomatoes, and the habanero that I got was really mild for some reason... so it did not come out nearly as good as was hoping... - then cooking dinner, eating and... here I am. Yep, that was my day. I didn't even draw anything today, unfortunately. I did take the trash out, that was good. But I did not end up doing laundry. The night just got away from me with all the prep and cooking and all that.
This kinda brings me to something I've been wanting to do before I end this journal project, it's been running through my head all day. One story that I haven't told. My side, at least. I'm sure I've told bits of the side effects, the traumas caused. Visiting Facebook last night brought it back, and I just really want to get it off my chest to prove to myself that it's really not as bad as I think. The quote my therapist and many others have thrown my way, that I seem to perpetually forget and remember over and over - "you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time."
I was listening to a Don Quixote audiobook while I was making dinner tonight. At least... I was trying to. All I managed to get through in my over an hour of cooking was basically the life story of Miguel de Cervantes; translators notes, I think it was? I knew nothing about this story other than its legendary satirical status, and the iconography of a flamboyant and... I guess stupid?... knight who fought a windmill thinking it was a dragon or something. Thus... why I wanted to actually absorb the actual tales, because culture is important and I wanted to actually know the actual stories, not just second or third-hand recaps. Welp, with my extremely limited knowledge of Don Quixote, this was my personal story that I equate in my memory to that.
It was summer 2019, as a lot of my traumatic experience stories tend to date to... I was smoking a lot of weed back then, for the first time in over 10 years. It started as a way to make getting off of Xanax easier, and to help with sleep, then it sorta became more of a spiritual and creative tool, and eventually it just became something I did regularly as though it was tobacco, because almost all of my tobacco was mixed with weed. I stopped buying weed from dispensaries because my brother wouldn't go on trips to pick up with me anymore, and I really felt weird leaving my dog in the car while I waited in line for up to an hour, it really didn't feel right... and I didn't want to leave her alone at home while I drove for like a 3 hour trip just to get weed. It was a whole thing. So I ended up buying this absolute dogshit gutter weed from a guy I used to go to high school with, who lived up the road. He... yeah, you can form your own judgements on him in the next "scene".
So... he came over to my house and smoked with me on my porch, he brought his small dog with him too. My dog and his met, it was fine and uneventful. His dog was getting old. We smoked and I got pretty high, and I am just flat-out not experienced at all with being high around other people, much less around people I don't entirely know or trust. It is not a muscle I have flexed, and I get really freaked out. Well... I started freaking out a bit. Mostly because he was sitting on my porch telling me... my "parents were right" and I should give up this art dream and go get a "real job". While he was day-drinking on my porch and smoking with me. And that just sent me immediately into surreal "you are not safe" mode. Which... guess what? Was a correct reaction! That was not a healthy situation for me to be in, with someone calling their self my "friend", and yet again... placing judgement over what I do with my entire life... my career... based on zero knowledge or even interest in what I do, or what I plan on doing. Ignorance. And siding with my parents, knowing absolutely nothing about them or their perspective... that was nothing short of foolish.
I somehow managed to handle that anxiety attack. I came back from it and did not spiral. I don't think he even goddamn noticed. The conversation just moved on. I don't know if I confronted him, I very very likely did not. What ended up happening not long after ended up snapping me out of it anyway. His small dog, a Toto kinda dog but greyish white, rolled over onto his side and started yelping uncontrollably and grinding his ear into the concrete slab floor of the back porch. I was so insanely overwhelmed, and the dude just got up and treated it completely normally, like this is a regular thing. And started talking about how his dog had ear problems and he had no idea what it was and it was really "annoying" and shit like that. I remember he was talking about pulling like... really long strings out of his dog's ears and not knowing what was going on. And I was like... dude, I'm really high, don't talk about this in that kind of detail... XD It was really freaking me out. Also, go to a vet!!!
He ended up leaving not long after, his dog somewhat recovered enough to go home peacefully. The thought of ears stuck with me. What caused that? What made it come on so suddenly and so severely? Could I help him by figuring this out?
I'm not sure if I was experiencing it before, but I definitely experienced it after that incident with that dude's dog - I was having my ears pop constantly that summer. I really couldn't figure out why. Maybe humidity and pressure changes? Maybe because I just started to be hyper-aware of my eardrums and kept just compulsively trying to pop them... like when you're really high and you suddenly become aware of your breathing, and you have to like... manually breathe... and you get afraid that you might have "forgotten" how to automatically breathe, and if you stop manually breathing you might asphyxiate... Honestly, it was probably just one of those things. But I started to become hyper-aware of that all the time. And the big one... the one that sent me down the rabbit hole... I saw my dog, my retired service dog, my co-pilot, rubbing her ears a lot, and rubbing them on the carpet. That set me off.
I was never taught how to groom or care for a dog. Because my family did not take good care of their dogs, and were too prideful to ask for help or instruction, or go to a groomer. They still are to this day, it truly pains me to see it. When my dog died, I gifted her grooming tools to my mom and actually took the time to like... give her a little clinic on how to use them right there, on her dog - not asking if she knew how to use them, just going straight into showing, so she didn't feel ashamed. But I was never taught how to clean my girl's ears. And she has been very prone to ear infections since a young age. I had to learn how to clean her ears on my own, which is fuckin spooky when you have a German Shepherd and she starts grunting like she doesn't want you in there anymore. And, I hate to say, but in my deeper stages of depression and... what the fuck is the term for when a counseling center misdiagnoses you and puts you on trial runs of medications for conditions you don't have for 2 years while you're in an unfathomably toxic relationship, do they have a word for that? Well... in my deeper stages of that... I didn't take good care of my dog. And she formed a blood clot in her ear from scratching at it. And she had to get surgery for it. The surgery left a big scar and left one of her iconic pointy German Shepherd ears floppy for the rest of her life. I... still haven't forgiven myself for that, even though it really isn't fully my fault. But man, it still... the guilt. Yeah.
So... seeing my baby... rubbing her ears again... And feeling my own ears popping in sync with it... And feeling this eerie, spooky feeling like I was in a haunted house or a horror movie or something... and not being able to see any visible wax buildup or anything in her ears... It was too much. Nothing was making sense and I needed answers. And I started connecting dots to this video I had watched not long before by the YouTuber Adam Neely, who does music theory videos, he's really good. He did a video on infrasound, which... maybe you've heard of something called a "mosquito alarm" or something to that effect, it's a machine that makes an extremely high pitched sound that only young people can hear to deter them from loitering (aka to hurt their ears or upset them so much that they won't stay there). Infrasound would be the other side of the spectrum. Infrasound is very low frequency sound that is sometimes used in movies or... get this... haunted houses... because it is often imperceptible in our conscious listening, but we still process the sound... and it tends to produce a feeling of unease, and induce anxiety. In my scientific mind... it ticked all the boxes. I could explain away my ears popping as anxiety or hypervigilance, I could explain away my surreal, horror movie feeling as anxiety, but I couldn't explain my dog's reactions, or the other dude's dog's reactions either. And this, felt like it could explain all of it.
I remember that day, I went out to the stream at the edge of my yard. I was making a Zen Garden in the stream, I would go out there every day. I would sort through the gravel for beautiful stones, and I would make different shaped pools, and contour the stream, and dam and dry flooded areas, and make waterfalls. I even got to the point where I started trying to control the pitch of the waterfalls by making small pools where the water fell into, and adding or removing stones to alter the pitch. Then I tried to get the waterfalls to either be in tune, or harmonize. It was a really fucking cool idea that I really want to revisit someday. Anyway, I went to the stream, and went out to the pond edge of it to just kinda chill and reflect before the sun went down, and I looked out over the pond and what did I see? The new windmill they put up, on the far side of the small neighborhood directly across the pond. Pointed directly at me and spinning.
My gears started turning... I went... wait... do those things make sound? I mean... it's gotta make sound, it's like a giant fan... Do those make... infrasound? Go Google it for yourself. They absolutely do.
I started going into science mode. "I need evidence". I can't fucking test it, by like... asking the dude to turn it off or something, see if my dog feels a difference... I ended up finding an app that claimed it could record infrasound. Still don't know if it's legit, but... I did it. I recorded samples from my porch and yep, that thing was definitely showing infrasound readings clear as day.
This is where my embarrassment starts. Where the shame stuff starts. And the big thing carved in my head from therapy environments because of how lifechanging it was for me: trauma = shame. Shame hits people with PTSD different, from what I've seen and experienced. And at that phase of my life, I was much more concerned with safety and moving life forward, rather than letting fear of Judgement or Shame rule my life. Well, Judgement and Shame had other plans, and what ensued still haunts me to this day.
I drove over to my parents' house... I think the next afternoon. I walked in and insisted to talk to my mom. She refused to talk to me and started getting visibly angry with me, started yelling at me. I had multiple articles bookmarked on my phone, I had the recording, she did not want to see fucking any of it. She got mad and told me to leave her house immediately. I still don't understand that reaction, it had to be panic or trauma or something, it just makes no fucking sense to me. You see your adult child really scared, but just looking for a second opinion on what they've found before actually believing this theory. And you get angry and refuse to listen or look at what they found, and tell them to leave your property. Hindsight? Kind of a red flag...
I, lifelong PTSD-ridden as I am, naturally blamed myself. Yes, me going to my family for a second opinion was "clearly" an act of aggression. Yes, me seeking support in a time of crisis was "clearly" an imposition on them. Yes, me showing up at the house I grew up in unannounced was "clearly" uncalled for and invasive. What was I thinking?! You can tell a bit about my history given that these sentences were not sarcastic in my head at the time, I only shook this cult-like brainwashing very recently, within the past few years. I still struggle with it.
Now I was on my own. But I needed to do something. And my dog and cat were still at home alone. And that windmill was still spinning. And I needed to figure out what to do, what was even happening. So... I... went home. I passed a neighbor's kid on the way into my driveway, he had gone fishing by my house before, I offered his mom to give him guitar lessons if he wanted but they never followed up. They were cousins of the guy whose dog freaked out with the ear thing on my porch. I told the kid about the sound and asked if their dogs had any problems with their ears too. The dog thing? I figured dogs were more sensitive to sound than humans... I don't know, I was grasping for straws. I didn't really get much out of that, but in hindsight... it must've been weird for the kid to be flagged down and talked to about windmills and sound waves and shit. This kinda "tinfoil hat vibes" stuff pre-Covid was kiiiiinda embarrassing. (I mean, it's still embarrassing, it's just more people are publicly doing it now and it's getting oddly normalized.)
I ended up calling my vet that was around the corner. I pleaded with them to just tell me if this was a thing that other dogs in the area were dealing with, if there was a pattern. They told me... HIPPA. They fucking HIPPA'd me about general info whether there was a pattern of dog ear problems in the neighborhood. And I got a bit upset about that, I was legit just trying to gather scientific data. Honestly, this entire time... all I fucking needed was someone to fucking talk to. Someone to just make sense of what was going on and try to find some kind of answer, because it's one thing for me to suffer... I'm not going to sit here and do fucking nothing while my girl suffers. She doesn't deserve that.
Sounds like I'm still there. I'm absolutely reliving this right now. So... that's what led me to... Facebook. The last place I could think of. None of my "friends" would talk to me, they already lost their shit on me and peaced out because I asked them to show their support of my art/streaming career in a time of need. I was well and truly isolated. And I really needed someone to help me get perspective, to help - and I say this dead serious, I was literally saying it verbatim the whole time - to help prove me wrong. I was begging literally anyone to prove me wrong. Help me find a narrative that makes more sense than this, that has more evidence than this. From the very beginning, I did not want the windmill theory to be the truth. Because that meant I had to fucking move, and I had no plan whatsoever. And I was still detoxing off of meds and shit, I was in no condition to be moving. But I wasn't about to just sit in that haunted-ass house and watch my dog suffer every fucking day if there was something I could do about it.
I got off of Facebook in 2016 - meaning... my account was inactive. My ex and I got back on FB and posted a tiny bit when our relationship was doing okay. I used to fish back then, so I'd post fishing pictures and pictures in my garden and all that. But that stopped very quickly with how toxic the relationship was, and I never went back. Welp... I went back. And I posted about the windmill. And I wrote the most honest case I had. That this was my theory, this was the evidence I had found, can someone please prove me wrong? I don't remember if it was that day, or a later point... but I can actually hear in my head the dude who sold me weed saying on the phone to me "you really need to delete that post man, people are gonna think you're nuts". Or something, like he was "looking out for me". Again, little seeds planted along the way. I swear his fucking voice is like the embodiment of my anxious and self-destructive thoughts, like a fucking demon, man. What a dick.
I remember my former best friend in middle school commented on it. The first time I had heard from him in years, and the last time since. He commented something level-headed about how he would look into it and get back to me, and he didn't. That one still haunts me. Like... I'd really like to reconnect with him now that I'm a much more... complete person. Now that I actually know who I am. But I'm just so worried that he's going to look at me like some delusional nutjob.
It is so fucking hard to type when you hear what sounds like a bluefin tuna flopping on the floor above you. Especially when it's a sensitive topic, and it's 2AM. It makes me physically jump. If it continues happening past 3, I'm 100% calling the on-calls.
Anyway. Yeah. I did go back and delete that FB post. Pretty quickly. And I never went back to Facebook. All of my social contacts accumulated throughout my life were left behind because of a panicked attempt to keep my adopted animal daughters safe, and just try to understand what was happening around me. That moment was... what I equate to my solo-pandemic. It was the same exact feeling for me as the beginning of the pandemic, except it wasn't happening to anyone else and everyone around me was being aggressive insensitive assholes and telling me it wasn't real and I was crazy.
That night... was very bad. I'm not sure if I deleted the post the next day or that night... but I spent a huge chunk of the night just pacing around my apartment. Good lord, it's all flooding back, that night was so fucking cinematic I can't even put it into words. It would honestly make a good comic strip or short animation or something. But it would honestly just look like a garbled dream or something, like... it would be too strange for fiction. It would make too little sense and be too unbelievable to be presented in that medium.
It was past midnight. I had made it several hours of not having anyone talk to me, but it was just spiraling, I was completely alone, I had nothing but silence and space to think. And my dog kept fucking rubbing her ears. And I just hit a breaking point and said "I need to find a place to stay tonight that isn't here, I can't subject us to this anymore." I saw it this way... If it was physically affecting me and my dog? We were away from it for one night to see if it made a difference. If it was in my head? At least we were in a safe place, with "supportive people".
I got my dog ready, I got a small bag packed with essentials. But... I couldn't bring my cat. I couldn't get her to go into her crate. And that... I mean... it was fucking horrible, man. I was on my knees in the living room crying next to the crate because I had to leave my cat behind. This panic just kept pressing harder and harder like the house was on fire and I was just subjecting my pets to essentially low-grade torture being in that home. And the more I thought about it, the more I inflated that narrative and it kept feeling bigger and bigger and more imminent and more urgent. In the past, I would have been too ashamed to talk to anyone about any part of it, and I would have distracted myself with TV or video games and just let my pets suffer. Like a sociopath. Out of fear, out of shame. I was trying to overcome that. To not let Fear rule my life. And somehow... I put the steering wheel right back into Fear's hands, quite literally.
I left my cat behind. I took my dog out to my car. It was probably around 1 or 2AM. We got out to the car and, I shit you not, there was a fucking possum between us and the car. Big guy, hissing and everything. And Cer shockingly didn't bark. She was just like "what the fuck is that thing..." And it took off, luckily. I was already committed. I got her in the car and started driving. It was foggy. I was calling people, trying to find a place to stay. There weren't a lot of numbers to call. There was the number of a nurse that I knew at the retreat the consoling center sent me to, she seemed nice enough to potentially offer me a roof over my head. But she lived almost 2 hours away. There was a guy I used to live with for a very short period of time in the city, we tried to join a band, but he wasn't answering.
I drove to the dude who sold me weed's house since it was just up the road. I sat in his driveway for like... 2 minutes? I don't know if I called him or not, but I ended up leaving without even knocking. He gave me hell for it the next day because he had to go to work the next morning. At a gas station. You know, priorities... It's not like the entire thing was caused by him freaking me the fuck out, telling me my parents were right, telling me I was going crazy and yelling at me while I was high.
Then I went the only place left in driving distance. My parents' house. Yeah, I didn't have a lot of options. My younger brother, who I thought I was close with, lived in their house at the time. He hadn't taken over the garage that I used to live in yet. I parked in the driveway and left my car running. I called my mom's cell. Nothing. I called the landline. I could hear it ringing from the car. Nothing. I called at least 3 times. Mind you, this is the house that I grew up in since I was 11. My former bedroom there was still unused and had a fucking bed in it that was prepared to be used (and never was used) as a guest room. I... honked my horn. That was enough for a light to finally go on in the house. In my brother's bedroom. I don't remember if I called him or if he called me, but we were on the phone shortly after. I told him it was me. He was very clearly angry. Very obviously angry. And he said "you better not wake up mom and dad, they're going to be furious with you." ... Like I was a teenager or something. And I told him very fucking clearly, very articulately - "I am deeply scared and feel unsafe right now. I don't know what is going on and I just need a place that feels safe for the night that is not my house. If what I am afraid of is real? I need a safe place to stay. If I'm just freaking out? I need a safe place to stay. Please let me and my dog stay here tonight." He refused to let me into my family's home. He refused to hear anything more I had to say. He told me I was crazy, I was freaking out, I'm scaring people and I need to go home. And he fucking hung up on me and turned his lights off.
All he had to do was unlock the door and go back to sleep, and I'd leave a note saying "I stayed the night in my old room because I was alone and detoxing off of meds and deeply scared, and I just needed a place that felt safe for the night. I will leave without disturbing any of you in the morning. Signed, your son." But no. He hung up on me. And told me to go fucking home and go to sleep.
I left. I drove. It was like probably 3AM at this point. I connected with the nurse person, she helped me calm down a little bit. She was blown away at how my brother treated me, and she wished me good luck in finding a place to crash. I surprisingly got another call back that I took. It was from the guy I lived with and was trying to join a band with back in the day. I remember vividly as I was driving back on the road that led to my house... the phone cut out and I lost service, and I saw a fucking shooting star moving super slow across the sky in front of and above my car, going north. It was huge. Another surreal moment, it felt like... you know in books the illustrations at the beginning of chapters? I felt like the possum was one, and the shooting star was the other. And it started to snap me out of it a bit. I remember thinking of how cool it would be to find a meteorite, or to make jewelry out of one, or just to polish one as a precious object.
I got service back when I got back by my house. It was kind of a... crossroads. The kid on the phone said I could go and talk to his dad. His dad lived 15-20 minutes up the road. I had never met him before. Despite how me and this kid had a big falling out years later, that was a really thoughtful thing to do. To call his dad who I found out later he did not get along with... to wake him up... to say "my friend is freaking out and just needs someone to talk to and help him calm down and feel safe". That should really be a more normal thing to do... Weird that the kid himself didn't offer that considering we were supposed to be friends and he was already on the phone with me... but, I'm sure he had his reasons. So... I said "fuck it". And I drove to his dad's house.
I got there, I pulled in the driveway. It was awkward as fuck. I had my dog with me. I introduced myself. We sat on his porch and I told him a super condensed version of where I was at. I'm having weird ear popping shit and surreal feelings. My dog having ear problems, my "friend's" dog was having what looked like similar but worse problems. I didn't want my dog to end up like that. I had a theory it was infrasound, and that it might be coming from the windmill. I took a recording, here's the data. He looked at my phone like it was in Japanese for like 5 seconds and faked interest, then handed it back to me. He said the results were nonsense, that it doesn't mean anything. ... I... don't really know how he came to that conclusion... but yeah. Probably just acting confident to make the situation end quicker. And he just echoed the same shit the others said to me, just... in a less aggressive tone and with slightly more of an appearance of compassion. That I was being paranoid and this isn't a problem with the windmill, it's all in my head, I just need to go get some sleep.
After the way I had been treated so far that night, that was the kindest anyone had been to me. To tell me that this physical evidence of at very least a contributing factor (maybe the infrasound wasn't even coming from the windmill, maybe it was another source, who knows?) was "nonsense", and without any other credible connection... I guess GG? And I just resigned. I had no explanation, somehow less evidence than I started, and no theory at all about what was going on with my dog. He proposed "allergies", because... he had allergies and there was a lot of pollen that year. And I guess it was good enough for me. We said our goodbyes and I got my tired and confused pup back into the car and we headed home as dawn broke. I remember very clearly the color of the sky and fog rolling over the fields as I drove back home. Daylight definitely eased the fear.
Yeah. That was... that was a very defining moment in my life. A very small moment that came from just... normal everyday interactions... and then my trauma was set off... and I tried to be responsible and smart and use science and logic to provide security, to assuage the panic, to seek answers rather than jump to conclusions. I still feel like this was absolutely the correct way of handing that situation, over 4 years later. Then... in response to my trauma being set off... my healthy methods of addressing those trauma responses were met with... trauma. I was yelled at, threatened, gaslit. That fucked me up in ways that... I really struggle to put into words. It was like... that summer? It was like fucking They Live or something. I keep using the term "Twilight Zone" because it's the franchise like this I'm most familiar with that is the most similar. That summer was legit like one gigantic Twilight Zone marathon. Where I just woke up and every person in my life was suddenly just saying shit to me that made my jaw hit the floor in disbelief. "I just told you I'm having a panic attack... and I just need a place to crash where I feel safe... and you're telling me... to get over it and go home?" Like... Those moments, and that many in quick succession... it fucking rattled me in ways I am just now recovering from. It went right past anxiety and panic responses. I was straight up in shock. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared. I wasn't nervous. I was completely and utterly in disbelief. I struggled to process how it was really happening, whether it was actually reality. I was looking at the equivalent of some 3000 ft tall octopus god that materialized out of the fog and my mind just... couldn't process what was happening. It was just... still. In disbelief. Shock. I really don't know how to articulate that feeling clearly. It really did feel like... "Lovecraftian", like the kind of horror that your brain and body just can't really process at all. It just short-circuits your brain and you just kinda... almost go catatonic for a bit there. Then you need a forklift to get your fucking jaw off the floor.
So yeah, not long after that I was seeking sanctuary of any kind. I didn't give a fuck about the windmill after that. I discovered the real threat. The real danger. It was under my nose the whole time. It was the reaction to my fear. It was how others around me would react to my anxiety and my trauma responses. My anxiety was never the problem, me not expressing my anxiety outwardly my entire life - instead internalizing and suffering great mental distress, fucking up my entire life and permanently physically damaging my body - that was never the problem. It was a symptom. It was a symptom of an environment where it was not safe to express fear. Where expressing your anxieties without zealous conviction of them being absolute truths, rather being inquisitive and seeking support to form educated, informed decisions... was viewed as... delusion? Somehow? Or... a threat? I legit do not understand it at all. But I have verified this in spades over the years since.
So... yeah. On one hand... I would do anything to go back in time and just never connect the dots between that dude's dog's ears and my dog's ears... and connect that to my feeling of surreality in that house... and connect that to infrasound. But, on the other hand... that cinematic journey... was probably one of the most important catastrophes of my life. Because it illuminated exactly how unhealthy not just my family was, but the other people around me as well. How damaging that environment was for someone who had been clinically diagnosed with PTSD for several years at that time, who was tapering off of medications alone, who no one would check in on despite living less than 5 minutes away from him, who no one believed in, who no one supported. It is very lonely out here, starting from scratch and being in a new city. But holy fuck, I feel so... so much more free. I feel safer being my authentic self.
Which really makes me dread... having to give that up. And I really do fear that giving up my art as my primary time/labor sink... will turn into me losing myself. To someone else's will, I guess. Or, like... I lose my agency in my life. Or like all of this was for nothing. Just because I was too scared to go out and meet the right people, or too scared to apply to galleries, or too scared to reach out to my old teachers or something. I don't feel like it's too late for that. I don't feel like it's time to give up yet.
I have come so far and sacrificed... nearly everything... to get where I am today. And there are really two things outside of material possessions that honestly... they're all a coin flip, I don't really care too much, very few are essentials... two things that I have left. My idea of who I am and what I want to do with my life. They're not that different, either.
But I'm not here to talk about my career, because that's a bit much for tonight, I've already stopped myself like 4 times before that fun campfire horror story.
There's a reflex that kicks on whenever I think about related jobs, or something to just pay the bills. It feels like giving up. It feels like turning into the people who treated me like shit, like I'm doing what they did. They all fucking gave up. Or never even tried. Taking the easier route and learning to love it. Yeah, I could be an artist... or I could just go be an artist's assistant or a teacher. And then do that for 10 years... and then go... "remember when I used to make art?" "Yeah, I still do it in my spare time, but man... I'm just so busy nowadays, who has the time?" Kinda like the way I treat video games nowadays, there just aren't enough hours in the day.
I could mentor or tutor. I could teach private lessons - art, music, art history, you name it. I could host events for intuitive and improvised drawing, teaching the meditative techniques that I've learned, the kinda occult shit you won't learn at the community college. Come by the studio, smoke a bowl if you want, maybe break out some wine, or meditate or do some breathwork first, get yourself in The Zone however you like to, and we're going to do some fun art experiments. I could read tarot. I could do art pieces on peoples' clothing, like tattoos. I could sell jewelry. I could sell carved staves, walking sticks, even carved and decorated wooden wind-chimes was one I really want to do. I can sell mini Zen Gardens, and cool little accessories for them, like hand-polished stones, or hand-made mini rakes. I could also finish my abstract series and submit it to a gallery, or submit my bird illustrations to a gallery as a series as well. I can paint peoples' grip tape. I can do all of these at the same time. All I need is to find people who are actually interested in paying for these things. And with that big of a menu, it's really hard for me to believe that I won't be able to pay rent. Like... if I charge $50 for a 3-card tarot reading (which is cheap)... I'd need like... 60 readings per month make a profit. That's an average of 2 per day, every day. I'm never going to get that many, I get that. But... with other forms of income added in? If I offer more comprehensive spreads for higher prices? If someone there wants to buy crystals or minerals from my display case, or a necklace or talisman or something? It could make up the difference. But I really think if I can find a way to do private one-on-one art/music lessons, group activities with a ticket fee, and tarot readings... I could stabilize on that. I think I could. All I really need is... to get connected socially. Because streaming and social media are very unkind to people who don't have built in social networks.
So... that's the next step. So today, I was in social "fuck it" mode. I reconnected with someone I know who, in my life, is the closest person I've ever met to a female Adam Savage. If we synergize, this could be life-changing. I'm planning on going to the nude model drawing session at the local art collective this week, and I'm planning to email the person who runs it to see if I could just meet up and talk about the local art scene, maybe before the session? Or after? Or another day? Just to make a one-on-one impression and get to know them.
So yeah. A lot is turning around and I'm very grateful for it. And I really want to say this before I go. Thank god for skateboarding. I had a lot of mental health tools in my pocket, skills on deck, ready to go. I just... didn't have a place to go to socialize with people similar to me that didn't cost fucking money. And... the skatepark is exactly that. It accepts all kinds. Skateboarding is the true American spirit - give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. We all just want to feel some wheels under our feet and push ourselves to take a leap of faith. And to feel the rewards of taking those leaps of faith, that rush of accomplishing something you previously didn't think you were capable of doing, that you battled over. That's what skating is all about. Now that I've gotten over my insecurity about being "bad"... mostly... I actually feel like... a local skater. People recognize me. I'm a regular. There's a place that people can expect to see me. And that's how things start. Skating helped me break through and get there. And it would've been much fucking easier if one motherfucking person would've gone with as support and just sat on the sidelines and watched. But hey, all's well that ends well.
It's late. I gotta turn in. If you stuck through to the end here? Thank you for reading this story. It's... not the happiest of tales. But let's consider it a cautionary tale. You never know what someone else is going through. My brain just kinda... ground to a halt here. Like I was going for some mic-drop ending and just kinda... sputtered out. Just... you never know when you might need a shoulder to cry on, or when you just suddenly feel like a scared 6 year old who had a horrific nightmare and just need someone to talk to about it, or someone to just silently pat you on the back for a few minutes, to help you feel a sense of comfort and safety in a world that can feel so infinite and empty and cold and mindless. You never know when you might need that. So... don't be afraid to offer it if you can, because you might be that person for someone else. That's what community is about, that's what friendship is about, that's what relationships are about. Give and take, mutually support each other. Compassion. That. That's really the most loving and kindest thing we could all do.
Good night!
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the-boy-branithar · 2 years ago
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I DIDNT SEE IT AT FIRST but @youdontgotoparties​ tagged me to share my top albums from last year ok here we go. Also I meant to post this to @tran5rightsos oops
Like half of these came out last year, but a few are recent discoveries
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1) 5 Seconds Of Summer - 5SOS5
So good. They can’t keep getting away with it, they’re just so much at all time ykwim? These songs FUCKED live. This is the only non-metal album on this list lmao it was just that kinda year. Complete Mess has some vibes for sure.
2) Lorna Shore - Pain Remains 
GIRL I should not be allowed to listen to this like what the fuck? I found out about LS last year from watching the throat cam interview and then listening to Sun//Eater like damn this guy’s got some noises. But it’s also the instrumentals, Adam just doesn’t know when to stop. They’ve got this epic vibe, like Dark Souls boss fight music or some shit, Cursed To Die gets me hyped every time.
3) Wage War - Pressure
This is an older one that I found last year, I’ve really been sleeping on this band. They’re a Fearless band so I’ve known of them for ages I just never gave them a solid listen before. Top recommendation would be Grave.
4) Motionless In White - Scoring The End Of The World
I’ve been trying to get into MIW for years and ig last year was finally the right time. I got to see them live with I Prevail and that had me like damn I should give them another shot. Cyberhex is pretty.
5) I Prevail - Trauma
This album got a lot of hype when it came out but I didn’t give it a listen until last year. The show I saw was the one where Eric had been in the hospital earlier that day. Glad he’s okay but ngl it would have been pretty metal if he’d died from playing BB at soundcheck. 10/10 would cry to Let Me Be Sad.
6) I Prevail - True Power
GOD. You can really hear how Brian and Eric have developed their vocals in this one. I get some Linkin Park vibes from it and that fucks. They do really good sad songs so even though TP is just bangers from start to finish I’m gonna single out Deep End as one of my favs.
7) Bad Omens - The Death Of Peace Of Mind
So I’ve heard some of their material before? Which is why Concrete Jungle had me like ??? when I first heard it. Very unexpected but the vibes do fuck. This is the only album on this list I don’t physically own :c
8) Dream On, Dreamer - It Comes And Goes
Fucks. Cannot believe they broke up and I’ll never know how these songs sound live, the vibes are just off the charts. So pretty, they truly went off with Don’t Lose Your Heart.
Anyway everyone share your favourite albums from last year it’s fun
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skyward-floored · 11 months ago
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Thanks Silver!
1. How many works do you have on ao3?
43! Though a bunch are oneshot collections, and one is an anon fic.
2. What’s your total ao3 word count?
484,235! Whew!
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Legend of Zelda and linkeduniverse mostly these days.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Brethren in a cradle by far my most popular fic. Which still totally blows me away. How are there 952 kudos? On my fic that started as just a self-indulgent daydream?? Thank you so much guys???
Because they aren’t suffering enough in canon (linkeduniverse whumptober 2022) I’m surprised this is second, but I guess I shouldn’t be shocked, you people love whump XD
Accidental domestication which is mostly silly lu fics about wolves that ended up being multiple chapters and rather long. I still love the concept for all of these.
Troubled waters which was my first mermaid Legend fic and I could write wayyyy better now, but I’m pretty proud of it still. And wow I did not realize it was this popular XD
Always darkest before the dawn (linkeduniverse whumptober 2023) HOW DID THIS GET SO MANY KUDOS SO FAST these are only from November?? Wow.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I try to! Unfortunately I tend to forget to actually do it, but I love answering them and talking to people. I love seeing what people think of my fics :D
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Mm. That’s hard to say. Probably something whumptober-y..? I’m not thinking of anything particular, I tend to try for a hopeful ending mostly.
Oh... well the one anon fic I have had a SUPER angsty ending, but the second chapter is a little more hopeful. It’s still very angsty though.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Probably the skyward sword oneshot in courses of love. It’s so fluffy. So. fluffy.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Not unless you count rude spam bots!
9. Do you write smut?
No.
10. Do you write crossovers?
Not really, no. Unless you count lu, and a few wips I have where I mix OCs around.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Nope! Though if it counts, there might be a podfic in progress for one of them :)
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Not exactly? I throw ideas around with people, Tellie especially, and we help each other out with stuff, but I don’t have anything that’s truly co-written I think.
14. What’s you’re all-time favorite ship?
Oh zelink, no question.
15. What’s the wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I don’t ever totally give up on wips, but there are a few I... do wonder if I’m ever actually going to finish. Mostly my longfics, they’re intimidating and then I scare myself out of working on them :(
16. What are your writing strengths?
Dialogue? I’ve been told my dialogue is pretty solid.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Oof, descriptions. And making sure I’m taking the time to show what a character is thinking, and TRANSITION SCEEEENES AUGH
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
That would be fun! I have an oc who speaks a little bit of another language, but I haven’t written much with him unfortunately.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Ninjago! Well first published anyway. I scribbled some warrior cats fanfic when I was younger, but there’s only a page or two of that. Ninjago was the first fandom I actually posted fic for.
20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?
I gotta pick??? Good grief... some of those whumptobers... Stubborn... under the weather... hmmm “hero what ails you?” maybe? It actually got banned from ao3 for a bit you all should read it now that it’s back 👍
No pressure tags for: @adrift-in-thyme @telemna-hyelle @wolfwarden @only-lonely-stars @nancyheart11 @ anyone who would like to!
20 questions for fic writers
Tagged by @the-real-azalea-scroggs! Had to wait until I was of my phone because doing these is a nightmare on mobile lmao
1. How many works do you have on A03?
18 as of a few days ago!
2. What's your total A03 word count?
60,763! Which is. Only a fraction of the word count in my Docs folder. Be prepared.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
I mainly write for The Legend of Zelda; specifically Linked Universe! In fact, that's all that's posted on my Ao3 currently, since my fall into that fandom began with me uploading there! Pre-Ao3 I wrote for Black Cat (Anime/Manga), Megaman NT Warrior, various Pokémon things, Assassin's Creed, Yugioh, Final Fantasy XIV and Octopath Traveler! Some of these I still write privately, but I haven't gotten around to re-posting any.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Whistling on Deaf Ears - My longest fic on Ao3, focusing on Wild and Twilight's friendship and how good intentions can lead to disaster.
Iconoclasm - Warriors deals with the room full of portraits in Cia's palace. The Chain also deals with it, but with a bit more fire.
Deserving - Twilight finally tells Rusl that he was the wolf in the village during TP, but that also means dealing with some heavier topics. Colin half overhears them and forms his own conclusions.
Something Greater - The start of the "Hyrule can see magical auras" series! In this one we deal with Legend and his many rings.
Ocean Magic - Mermaid Legend and Zora Time have a race and then fight one of the Big Octos from WW! Fun times.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Every single one!! I love comments, they give me an excuse to ramble about my fic more!! I am always down to ramble about every single insignificant detail of any line and/or section. If you ever want more background info about one of my fics, look to the comments! So please, I adore comments, I treat them like treasures, not responding to them would be a CRIME.
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
There's no contest; Inevitable, my (so far) only MCD fic.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Hmmm, that's hard to quantify. I usually try to end fics on a hopeful note regardless. I'd say possibly either Deserving, where Twilight reconnects with his family, or Shimmering Blue, Striking White, where Time meets the Fierce Deity settled down on Satori Mountain and they both get closure.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Thankfully, no! I've been blessed with mostly amazing and patient readers, even when my upload schedule isn't the best.
9. Do you write smut?
No, not really. I've attempted it, but I'm too asexual for it lol
10. Do you write crossovers?
Very, very rarely. Mostly privately, and only very specific ones. Only a single one has had an actual plot, so far (more on that one in question 15!).
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Nope!
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Also a nope! I tend to write for smaller fandoms, where these things don't tend to happen a lot!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have! But it's been a while. Over a decade, in fact! I tried to find the fic to link it here, but it was on the German fanfic website fanfiktion.de, and my friend who posted it back then must have deactivated her account, because it's nowhere to be seen (I still have the Word file though!). It was a Multi-Crossover that started as an RP in a forum, and we took turns turning the RP into prose one chapter each. "If a Hero Turns to Dark" was its title. We were edgy teenagers.
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
Hissssss. Bad question. Shoo. They are all equally important!! But it's probably TenRose from Doctor Who.
15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
One of the very few crossovers I've ever worked on; a crossover fic between Assassin's Creed and Doctor Who, that I have mapped out in both chronological and timeline order, and yes, those are different. I only ever wrote about a quarter of it, since my primary audience of it disappeared when we graduated. I doubt I'll ever pick it back up properly, and if I do it'll probably go through heavy rewrites first since it's so old. Finishing it is a nice thought, but realistically, after 9 years it'll never be high priority enough for it to actually happen.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Dialogue, especially arguments, and emotional impact. I've been told I do really well making characters feel alive and believable! Also I like to believe I'm decent at setting a scene and giving it the vibe I want it to have!
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
I struggle with dialogue tags when nothing much is happening besides the talking. I always feel it's too bland, and fall back on the same phrases. My scene transitions could use some work too.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I've done this with Japanese phrases, because I was a massive weeb. Usually I followed them up with their own translations, though; I'm not the biggest fan of footnote translations, unless they are properly linked to. Simple dialogue tags are my favourite way of indicating a language switch.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Black Cat the Manga/Anime! It's a series about an assassin turned bounty hunter trying to live a life separate from his murdery past, but getting dragged back into things by still wanting to avenge his best friend's death. The series has a special place in my heart and my bookshelf, it left an imprint on 13-year-old me that will never leave.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
Probably Jailbreak, uncharacteristically enough! It's one of the only fics I never got stuck in once. Writing it was a great feeling from start to finish. I love writing all of my fics, but that was a special few days.
Tagging @ahrva @nowhere-to-go-but-down @silvercaptain24 and @aeghina! And anyone who wants to do it, really, go wild
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metaview · 2 years ago
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anonymous  asked:    How and where exactly do you start with Umineko? I've only really watched the anime but I heard there's a lot of ways to go about it to get more of the lore and story.
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oh  my  dear  anon  i  am  so  sorry  the  anime  is  all  you’ve  seen  because  it  is  honestly  the  most  hot  garbage  excuse  for  an  anime  adaptation  i  have  ever  seen. (not to mention they only adapted half the story).
i’m  very  passionate  about  this  so  this  post  is  gonna  get  very  long  and  very  informative  i  hope  you’re  ready.
the  ABSOLUTE  BEST  PLACE  TO  START  is  the  visual  novel  itself. 
it’s  available  for  purchase  on  steam---  
if  you  get  the  steam  version  i’d  recommend  sticking  to  the  og  sprites  rather  than  the  steam-specific  ones.
if  you  want  a  slightly  more  visually  appealing/easier  to  read  version  of  the  steam  version  with  voice  acting  you  should  install  the  07th  mod!
you  can  also  check  out  the  unofficial  ps3  port,  which  is  the  version  i  use:  the  umineko  project.  but  it  can  be  a  little  confusing  to  download.  it  has  updated  animations,  lip  sync  for  the  sprites,  and  a  lot  of  added  features  for  convenience.  truly  the  BEST  version  of  umineko  in  my  honest  opinion.
if  you  can’t  afford  umineko  or  don’t  want  to  go  through  the  hassle  of  installing  anything  there  are  several  lets  plays  on  youtube!
no  commentary  ps3  port  with  voice  acting. (this channel has all the eps, just check their playlists when you finish ep1).
aaand  if  you  want  commentary  here  are  some  of  my  personal  favorite  ones:  
jokronos (FINISHED. they do all the voices themselves and read the narration aloud, this is the best one to listen to in the background while doing other things). 
80% relatable (INCOMPLETE. they’re on ep6 right now, they also read everything out loud so it’s another good one to listen to in the bg. you just might catch up to the let’s play).  
noby grand (INCOMPLETE. very funny and charming. he uses the ps3 sprites and voice acting, so he only reads the narration aloud. considering the voice acting is in japanese, you’ll need to read this. but the voice actors are STELLAR so i 100% recommend it).
the  visual  novel  is  the  original  version  of  umineko  and  what  i  believe  to  be  the  best  version  of  the  story  to  exist.  it’s  a  sound  novel,  so  it’s  soundtrack  is  incredibly  important  to  the  tone/feel  of  the  story  and  something  i  don’t  think  anyone  should  miss  out  on.  not  to  mention  if  you  get  a  voice  acting  patch,  the  actors  are  INCREDIBLE.
the  downside  is  that  umineko  averages  around 120-160  hours  depending  on  your  reading  speed.  this  thing  is  LONGER  THAN  THE  BIBLE.  it  is  worth  it,  but  it  is  a  time  sink.  each  episode  is  around  20  hours  and  there  are  8  episodes  in  total.
IF  YOU  CANNOT  PUT  THE  TIME  IN  FOR  THE  VISUAL  NOVEL:
that’s  fine!  there  is  a  manga  version  you  can  easily  find.  for  the  most  part  it’s  a  pretty  faithful  adaption,  however:  umineko  is  a  mystery.  and  there  are  some  fatal  flaws  in  the  way  the  manga  is  rendered  that  make  this  mystery  near  IMPOSSIBLE  to  solve.
solving  umineko  is  100%  part  of  the  enjoyment,  so  it’s  something  to  keep  in  mind.  you’re  also  missing  out  on  the  stellar  soundtrack,  but  i  do  know  there’s  some  kind  of  app  in  development  that  syncs  up  the  manga  with  the  soundtrack.  i  don’t  know  much  about  it  though.
overall,  the  manga  is  a  solid  substitute  if  you’re  just  looking  to  casually  enjoy  umineko.  in  fact,  it’s  the  superior  version  TO  casually  enjoy,  as  unlike  the  VN  the  manga  is  a  lot  more  straight  forward  with  it’s  answers  and  leaves  nothing  up  to  debate  (though i disagree with some of it’s “solutions,” personally). 
it  has  extra  content  in  the  final  episodes  about  the  culprit  and  some  added  conversations  to  ep8  which  is  nice,  though  it  does  cut  out  some  of  my  favorite  scenes  from  ep4...  so  give  and  take  i  suppose.
if  the  VN  is  a  10/10,  the  manga  is  an  8/10.  and  the  anime  is  a  -5/10.
aside  from  those,  there  aren’t  really  any  alternate  ways  to  view  it.  recently  there  was  a  very  good  stageplay  adaption  of  ep1,  but  there  aren’t  any  subtitles  and  that’s  only  1/8th  of  umineko  so...  yeah.
TL;DR ---  the  VN  is  the  best  way  to  go  about  it,  the  manga  is  also  pretty  good  if  you  can’t  afford  to  sink  200  hours  into  a  VN.
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