#another part of that still incomplete fanfiction of mine

[kingwithpaintedfingers]

An Update on the Status of My A03 Fics!

Hihi! I have no idea if anyone who follows this blog reads any of my fics on AO3, but if you do, then you might like to know what the heck is going on with my fics, and why I haven't posted any updates in over six months.

First of all, I am alive! I wrote a lot of fics in the summer of 2022 when I had just gotten active in a fan server on Discord where there was a lot of encouragement to write fanfiction. In the spring of 2023, I started a medical assistantship course, and in order to keep myself focused in class, I turned off notifications for the server. And then I just kind of...didn't turn them back on???? In my defense, I was intimidated by the amount of time it would take for me to backread everything I missed, and that eventually snowballed into me just no longer looking at that server. I should honestly become active in it again, because it did a lot for my writing productivity. I also have a lot of hobbies both in real life and on my computer, and those take up a lot of my time as well. So that's why I didn't post much last year and haven't posted anything yet this year.

But I want to let you all know, that I do fully intend to complete the fanfics I have already started on AO3, and I do intend to write the sequels I promised a year and a half ago.

So without further ado, here is a status report on the incomplete fics and series I have on my AO3:

How to Live With Fire: One of my most popular fics! I have two sequels planned, and a rough idea of what I want to happen in each of them. Both of them are probably going to be only a few chapters long. The delay on this one is mostly on Part 2, since Part 2 has only the vaguest ideas of what I want to do with it (how Mortarion and Vulkan become a longterm couple, and how their legions react to this change). The trouble with this one is, I haven't read any Salamanders novels, let alone ones that take place during the Horus Heresy. I think I will at least have to read Deathfire for this one. I am praying that I don't have to read Vulkan Lives, since I understand that one has less tasty Salamanders content than I would like, and way more John Grammaticus than I find tasteful. But I will still try Deathfire at the very least, if I can find a physical copy at the library or a used bookstore or something.

A Matter of Trust: Another one that's going to end up being a trilogy. I have figured out what happens, now I just need to read the Plague Wars trilogy, because those events are going to be kind of important to the rest of the plot. Again, I'd like to read physical copies of the books so that I can flip through them easily. I'm going to see if I can find copies of the first two novels through the local libraries. Fingers crossed!

Until the Bitter End: Ohhhh, this one's gonna make me cry...this one is mostly hinging on me rereading The Buried Dagger and taking notes. Much lower barrier for entry for this one, since I've read it so often that I mostly remember where to find the events I'm looking for.

Lantern and the Child: This one is going to have like, a billion chapters. It's going to become episodic for a while, but I'm looking forward to it. In this case, it's a case of figuring out which characters I want to introduce. The idea of it being episodic is kind of exciting for me, because it feels like it will be a fun thing to do, and because it goes along with a writing conceit that my co-creator and I have for this AU, that it's the events of a theoretical (very dark) Pokemon anime.

This Once Nearly Was Mine: This one should literally be the easiest one to complete, I am ashamed that I haven't finished it. There's only one chapter left, and I don't even have to come up with all of the events. Again, this one is going to dip into Horus Heresy events that I haven't actually read, but I think I've heard enough from osmosis that I can skip most of it. I just need to, y'know, actually sit down and fucking write it.

Deep's Embrace: I've got an outline! And I've even got some scenes written out! As I type this post, I am preparing to submit chapter 2. I'm having a lot of fun with this fic, as you could probably all tell.

Anyway, that's basically it for now. If you have any questions, please let me know! And if you have any friends who you know enjoy my fics but aren't following me or aren't on Tumblr, please link them to this post so that they know just what the hell is going on with me.

[fa-by]

Hiiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗. I'm back with a new Q&A post. Before I start tho, two things:

1) I was unable to do the analyses of those three songs. I apologize to the Anons who asked for them, but I really didn't have the time. It already took me so long to answer these asks and if I'd done those analyses as well, who knows how long before you would've had this post. So, sorry 😅. I hope to be able to do them for the next post 🤞🏼.

2) This long wait was due to the fact that I had various commitments and then I also got ill (for something different from the past) by ending up in the hospital for a day 😭. I'm not healed yet so arm yourselves with patience for future posts as well 😅🙏🏼.

Now without having to still bore you with my problems, let's move on to the answers. Enjoy 🙃.

Your answers are here in my Only Told the Moon analysis.

Hi to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. The answer is no, and if you want to know more details, here is my Thinkin’ Bout One analysis (seventh ask).

Yeah, definitely. For years now and they'll continue to do that.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 pure invention from which they'll surely have taken their cue from fanfictions and which they've been trying to pass off as reality for years 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ups and downs, Anon, I hope your year is going much better than mine 😊.

Don't we all need Camren in our lives? 🤭 And yep, I'm back, but as I explained in the introduction, I've had commitments and I'm not well again at the moment 😭.

They still are now. They are real. And yeah, they'll eventually admit it. It will depend on their careers 💁🏻‍♀️.

Hello to you, my dear @lindy123​ 👋🏼😄. I hope you don't mind that I'm replying here instead of in the comments, and thank you so much for the kind words 🥰. As for Lo's unreleased songs, I obviously loved them 😍! I'm just sorry all 5 are incomplete 🥺 but oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️ she didn't intend to do that and that's why we have them now 😜. As for your question instead, the answer can be found in this old post: Unreleased songs - ɟ.

My dear Anon, from your welcome back I understand that you've read my past posts, and therefore you know perfectly well what I think of the so-called ‘insiders’ 🙄. I think I've already talked about it enough, but for those who are new to my blog, this is an example: https://fa-by.tumblr.com/post/659001741145243648/if-you-think-el-was-a-fan-account-then-how-do-you.

The signs are still there. Not as often as in the past, but they're still being given to us.

Don't doubt and don't fall into the traps of the bullshit people say. You said you think they're still together, and there must be a reason if you think that. So my advice is to keep using the smart part of you that distinguishes you from the herd of sheep 💪🏼.

Oh and, by the way, hello to you too 👋🏼�� and thanks for the welcome back 😊.

You're not considering many other people, Anon. Camila and Dinah shared it with Hoko (Dinah's cousin) and the band (Ashlee Juno, Lauren Fuller, and Michelle “Michel'Le” Baptiste) while Ally, Normani, and Lauren shared it with some members of the tour crew; four if I'm not mistaken because the rest was in another bus. And inside both of the girls’ buses were purposely left empty sleeping places for when their family members joined them and stayed for a few tour dates.

And I know what you're thinking right now: why couldn't the band and those 4 tour crew members be in one bus and 5H + Hoko in the other one? Simple, that was their last year as a group and the narrative dictated the division between the girls. It was one of the many things that served to create speculation, draw even more attention, and sneakily get fans used to already seeing Mila as a solo artist and LAND as a group. As simple as that 💁🏻‍♀️.

Hey to you, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. And yes, of course. When I wrote “contracts can provide that two people who have already had a PR in the past can have it again in the future”, I meant it. But, and yes, there is a but.

Lauren's independent now, so I'm pretty sure that unless Tymbark's team requests it, it won't happen. Same with Luckless. Even more with her if that's why 🤣 because she has no team or labels to answer to and, even though she’s tried so many times (especially with her PR with Laur), she's not famous. Plus, that PR was made for Laur and therefore it would be up to her to request it again. And it's never gonna happen because she's luckily out of her life (unlike Sasha who, although not a celebrity, has been and still is a part of her life). Rather than have it with her again, I think Laur would rather have PRs with 100 different girls, whether famous or non-famous 🤣.

Have a good day too, dear Anon 🙃.

Are you the same Anon of the “happy 2023”?

Anyway. There's no way to know for sure. There are several factors to consider. How much notoriety does the artist have? Are they an A-list singer?  How much notoriety does the magazine have? Is it just an interview, or an interview + photoshoot? Is there anything else included in the interview to promote other than the music? Products/brands, feuds, relationships, future projects? It all depends on this and much more.

Like, for example. Is it an interview with a full fashion shoot plus high-level clothes and photographers? It already means that it's an important magazine and that the artist is considered as such and that was most likely wanted. Very important magazines such as are for example Vogue, Elle, and Vanity Fair, are themselves paying the artists and not the other way around. If that's why, in addition to the $100,000-plus earned, the artists receive free clothing, accessories, samples, make-up, and beauty products that they can keep as part of the shoot.

If, on the other hand, we're talking about less important magazines then it depends. (It always depends on the notoriety of the artist, but still.) If the interview is simple enough and the focus is on the music to be promoted, then it's very likely that the artist's team contacted and paid the magazine. Ditto if it's just an article without an interview.

If, on the other hand, there's something else to promote besides music, things change. But even here, it depends. What is this other thing to promote and how important is it? If it's not something really important that can generate lots of clicks, then it doesn't matter. But if it does matter, whether it's a scoop from a new love interest, or a feud with another celebrity, then it's the artists who get paid to release it.

For other types of magazines, however, it doesn't work that way. The mere presence of the artist on their web pages benefits them because fans or readers in general generate clicks. It's a double exposure for both artist and the magazine and therefore a win-win situation. No one pays anyone in this case because it's precisely a free double cross-publicity.

Hello to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄.

To answer your questions, well, none of the above. I want you to seriously think about something: if you had a one-on-one business meeting with your supervisor or directly with your boss, would you show up there with your significant other? I really don't think so. You have your meeting and after work, you call or meet directly with your significant other to tell them how it went. Period. That's the reality. Work is work, and you must know how to separate their work and their relationship because it runs exactly as it does for all of us.

Besides, although at the time Maverick managed the group for things related to the group as a whole, Mila was already personally managed by Roger, and therefore LAND and in this specific case Laur, was personally managed by Maverick. Both Roger and Maverick obviously answered to the labels because all labels always have the final decision on everything, but still, the point is that for personal things not related to 5H, Camren were managed by different people.

So as in the example of not bringing your significant other to meetings I gave you earlier, Mila wasn't present during Laur's PRs signings and agreements and vice versa.

I hope you're super well too 🙃 and to know more about how PRs work, read my PR stunt relationships - ɟ post.

[Faby oh my god I almost dropped my phone when I seen u posted 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣 anyway hi not sure if u remember me but it’s me K 😂 sorry to hear u had not been well and to hear u lost ur dog I too lost my cat last yr she was 13yr and like u I felt like a part of me died with her she was my shadow. Glad to hear u adopted another dog thats the best way is to adopt.]

🤭🤣🤣🤣🤣 hi K! Of course I remember you 🤗! I'm so sorry about your cat 🥺😭, I completely understand. I like to think they'll always stay with us no matter what ❤. Why don't you adopt another one too? Trust me, it would help you a lot and you'd fall in love immediately like I did with my new puppy girl 🥰. Let me know😍.

1) [So with my question is what do u make of so many loyal CS and L’s fans leaving her? A lot has left bc of L’s attitude,how she constantly contradicts herself where fans weren’t able to defend her anymore and how she keep attacking CS.]

As you also said yourself, many got tired of both her behaviors and the fact that she keeps attacking CS. I've also seen that many people got tired of the fact of her sexualizing herself most of the time she posts something, or not going on tour in certain places, etc.

Honestly, all bullshit to me. You know why? Because Lauren has always been this way to the public! The thing that people don't understand, and for years now, is that this is the public image she's always had since they started training them back in the X-Factor days. And for those who don't know, by training them I mean how they started teaching them how to behave in front of cameras, how to answer or avoid certain questions during an interview, etc.

We've always had two Laurens. What's new? They still can't tell them apart? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Public imagine Lauren is the one who has to defend the PRs and attack Camren because she has contracts to comply with. She's the one who's been taught for years that sex sells, and she continues to use this tactic to publicize something simply because she's comfortable doing so. She's the one who has to act and say certain things because it's the only way to stay afloat in the industry, especially now more than ever because she's an independent artist.

The real Lauren, doesn't post much because she lives her life outside of social media. She's the one who started the first spontaneous and free Attunements during the pandemic. She's the one who can't go on world tours like she did when she was with 5H. How should she do it according to them? With what money? With the support of which major label? Do these people really have a hard time understanding the word independent? 🙄😒

Anyway, I still think that these so-called “fans”, which are anything but fans, drop out because things don't go the way they want. News flash, it never will! There's a person behind the artist who's constantly harassed every day and yes, even by those who don't deserve to be called CS. What do they expect her to do when the harassment on her body, her personality, and her life in general has been a daily occurrence for 11 years? For her to even thank them? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Sure! And what does she actually do instead?: “Naturally inclined to love, but when the love ain't flowin' back, I pull away and reassess, gotta protect me. Push the negative to the side so it's not in front of my eyes, outta sight, outta mind. I need more than 50 feet”.

And in addition to 50 feet., there are songs like Inside, Colors, Scattered, Falling, Healing, EM(oceans), Wolves, Temporary and especially While I’m Alive that also talk about these situations. Hellooo??? No? Nothing? Don't they see i- 🤦🏻‍♀️okay...🤷🏻‍♀️

So, they don't wanna see the reality and go away? It's alright for me, and for her too honestly 🤣. Addio! Adiós! Au revoir! Sayonara! Adeus! Auf Wiedersehen! Do svidaniya! Go support someone who does what you want but that actually has so many faces that you won't even be able to recognize the real one 😉. *said in her voice like in that video when Trump lost the 2020 presidential election* Bah-bye, bitch 👋🏼!

2) [Another question is what do u except from C’s new label-]

I expect much more now 🤣. No jokes aside, I hope that with this new label she can return to the freedom and “glory” of 2017/2018. Unlike the past, I unfortunately still can't tell you what they'll do in my opinion or give you a theory simply because I don't know how they work yet. Ask me again after the first project 😏.

[-and now she changed pr firm?]

Mila didn't change PR firm/agency. She's still part of the WME Agency and you can also see it on Mila's official website itself. She simply also joined the BT PR Agency 😉.

3) [Why post that snippet of a new song with the line Coachella the. Deleted? I’m guessing it’s for the pr but that was desperate even for them. Is her new label the reason for the circus starting again or was it his team like last time or are they trying to make them as the new Justin and Selena?]

Yep, it was 100% just for the PR. And yes, desperate are the Sandalwood team 🥱. And yeah, they tried and tried to make them an important couple like Jelina, but in reality they only succeeded in making them the first fake couple to come up in Google image results when searching for pr relationships 🧐🙈🤣.

4) [What’s ur opinions on some fans claiming the Coachella stunt was nothing to do with their teams but C and L we’re arguing for awhile and C did it to get back at L? Personally I don’t believe that but still curious for ur thoughts]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh yeah? And who told them that? Lauren or Camila? Or both of them? Over text, call, or video call? 🤣. Do they really think people believe that? And above all, do they really think that (C&S) they’re free to do something like this without breaking the contract and without consequences from their teams and labels? I caaaan't! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

My thoughts on this? Well, besides these ☝🏼 🤣, I feel sorry for all these people who do everything they can to get 5 min of attention and for those who believe it. But specifically, I'm ashamed to be associated in the same category (CS) as these, to quote Lauren, delusional people. Sorry not sorry 💁🏻‍♀️🙃😁.

5) [What are u expecting C’s new music to sound like?]

She experimented a lot with her music over the years, so I don't know if she'll continue to do that or settle on a specific genre. As I told you in point 2, I still don't know how this new label works, so I can't give you any answers yet.

[From that snippet she shared and how she working with yet another friend of his 🙄-]

Forget that snippet 🤣. She deleted it herself faster than light after a short time because it had its purpose for the Shitmilashow 😴.

[-my expectations have gone down to where I think it’s gonna be a full pr album or at least there gonna make it out to be.]

I don't think complete, but yeah, of course there'll be songs with phrases explicitly changed to imply that they're references to him, unfortunately for my and your ears. But oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️ I've been used to both of them and their PRs for years now.

[Anyway I know that was a lot of questions so I’m gonna leave it there for now 😂 but I have no idea how happy I am to see ur back specially with other blogs who left. I’m glad ur well and still a CS 😏😂 - K]

Don't worry, my dear K, you can always ask me for as many as you like 😄. I don't mind. I'm glad you're happy that I’m back and yes, I'm gonna be a real CS forever 😉. I hope you're well too 😊. A virtual hug 🤗.

‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I'm done 👅. Thank you all for your asks and I hope I've been helpful this time too 🙃. As usual, I'm always available for those who have questions, so ask away 😄.

Remember to be nice. Always. Both with others and with yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Don't let our ship sink. Keep shipping them, but please respectfully 🙏🏼. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗. I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️.

[brothersapart]

Can you give me some recommendations of g/t? I readed so much that I feel like I’m started to run out. Also I still can’t believe Oscar is older then bowman. When kiddo Sam meet kiddo Oscar and bowman. Bowman was like 5 year old or so and Oscar is like 8. I still can’t believe that.

Thx for your awesome work and how much you did for the g/t community. I Feels bad for asking a author twice

I never mind asks like this! And of course, everyone feel free to add your own recommendations, we all love some good g/t to read, whether it be old or new!

I often recommend Deanzilla and its sequel, but they also put out some short stories based in that universe that aren't as well known:

Frozen Memories

Sneezes

I find all of mamajamallama's stories to be bangers, personally.

Peacejojo is another writer from back before I started, and they had some fun supernatural g/t fics (and they were the ones who made most of the manips that got showcased in Deanzilla, an amazingly talented artist):

Trampled Underfoot

The Parting Gift

Now on to fics I found on Fanfiction.net, also mostly from before I started writing.

The Incredible Shrinking Sam (not to be confused with my own story, The Incredible Shrinking Winchester. I actually changed the name of mine so the two stories wouldn't be confused considering the nightmares I gave people)

World of Winchestercraft Do you like DND? Do you like Supernatural? How about a dash of g/t? Then this is the story for you! (Side note that this is an incomplete story and DO NOT send messages to the author begging for a continuation. Respect their decision to not continue)

WELCOME TO MY GARDEN

Control

A Supernatural Wonderland

Now we get to the Archive of Our Own fics, which definitely took me on an entire emotional rollercoaster:

A Study in Pocketlock

25c Pocket Guardian Angels (Destiel)

The Short Notice series, by story_monger:

Short Notice

Diminished Expectations

Small Victories

Coming Up Short

Big Developments

Little Angels (BIG time recommend, but there are very dark turns in the story, so beware)

Then I am, yes, the Bible that teaches you of freedom (If Supernatural had angels like NeonGenesis Evangelion)

What a list! And while going through stuff, I was a bit sad to see some other fics have been taken down, so those are lost to us.

You can also find links to all of the fanfiction people have written for Brothers Apart on my wordpress page. There's a ton of amazing stories in there as well!

As for Oscar and Bowman, I'm always entertained! Bowman is just a wee flit compared to the others in the supernatural crew, but remember Jacob is also just a wee babe in comparison as well! Sam and Dean would be doing a lot of babysitting whenever they run into the others at younger ages :)

Feel free to add any other fic recommendations to the bottom of this post!

[queenofstelena]

Note: Some of my fanfics have different titles because I changed them on achieve of our own bit have yet to update the titles on Wattpad or Fanfiction.net.

Another Note: DO NOT post my fanfictions or any works of mine that includes Edits as well on other websites! Thanks!

Title/link: Humanity is a funny thing, isn't it?

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: What if Elena was able to convince Stefan to turn on his humanity when she lured him out of the party? Stefan does still have "a sliver of humanity left" in this Alternate universe (AU)

Chapter(s)?: 1/1

Completion status: Complete

Title/link: A wonderstruck Christmas

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: Human AU Elena and Stefan stay at the Gilbert lake house for Christmas. They open presents and Stefan surprises, Elena, with a very special surprise. Human AU Elena and Stefan stay at the Gilbert lake house for Christmas. They open presents and Stefan surprises, Elena, with a very special surprise.

Chapter(s)?: 2/3

Completion status: incomplete still in the process of writing chapters 3

Title/link: Murder One

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: What if Elena said she had no romantic feelings towards Damon. What would have happened?

Chapter(s)?: 1/1

Completion status: Complete

Title/link: 1864

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: Elena is blasted into the past by a spell gone wrong by a mysterious old lady aka a witch. She wasn't in any time period like the '60s or '70s she was sent to 1864 to be exact. Little did they both know this had been fate to land in the past. But will Elena stop Katherine? What will happen when they find out she's from the past? What will Elena do?

Chapter(s)?: 2/?

Completion status: incomplete, in the process of writing chapter 3 and rewriting part of chapter 1

Title/link: Lovebirds?

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: Stefan picks Elena up for prom and stelena are hopelessly in love with each other. Aka fluff ensues.

Chapter(s)?: 1/1

Completion status: Complete

Title/link: The beginning of their epic love

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: The beginning of our favorite love birds aka how things could have been different and with a twist. Stefan gets to guts to ask Elena out on a date when they first date it may seem a bit rushed but I think it's adorable!

Chapter(s)?: 1/?

Completion status: Incomplete, almost done with the second chapter just adding the finish touches.

Title/link: But with you I'd dance in a storm In my best dress (A stelena and Taylor Swift songfic)

Fanfiction.net (I have not added yet but I will soon)

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: Songfic (Fearless)/An AU - All Human It's a wonderfully rainy day Stefan and Elena were journaling. But for once Elena was lost for words and Stefan has a spectacular idea that they should go out in the rain.

Chapter(s)?: 1/1

Completion status: Complete

Title/link: Eternal

Fanfiction.net

Wattpad

Rating: K+/Teen/No archieve warnings apply

Summary: Hi, I wanted to request a one-shot where Stefan and Elena are dating and Caroline Jealous and she manipulates and makes Elena insecure. (This is a request I got on Wattpad and I decided that I wanted to post it on here as well!) P.S I don't hate Caroline I promise this was just a request!

Chapter(s)?: 1/1

Completion status: Complete

[perlen-gold]

Tale of a Forest

Prompt: *Freebie* for @14daysdalovers

Pairing: M!Fenhawke

They seek refuge in the embrace of the tree.

The rain, decisive withal light, descended upon them at no notice.

In one moment, the forget-me-not-blue and snowdrop-white sky an exuberant brightness, in another handfuls of ashen-grey clouds were summoned by the wind to befall the lands with astonishing rains.

Fenris espied the riven tree first. Born from one root it stretches its triplet-trunks luxuriously like a three-fingered hand. Above, their crowns reach to rejoice again and, while still bereft of their leafy dress, numberless limbs entwine twistingly as if to warm each other. It stands alone, as if left behind by its comrades.

So they are hurrying towards it with quick steps, their rebounding feet falling lightly on the springy gras spraying larksome drops of rain every which way.

Between the three bough-branched, moss-matted trunks Hawke and Fenris shed their cloaks to put them up. If not drying they would at least provide a woolen canopy fending off most of the hoydenish rain. The wetness is not fancying itself a storm, yet prevents the toilsome start of a fire.

Under this they settle, Hawke leaning against the inner side of one of the three tilted trunks, and soon he reaches for Fenris who is still busy with the arrangements of their makeshift roof, dauntless rain drops tugging at the white strands of his hair, afly now and then in the welling wind. In one well-practiced, fluid motion Fenris sinks down on Hawke’s lap, his arms around his waist.

Thus huddled midst the three-faced tree they listen to the quiet weeping of the skies.

After a while, Hawke reclines his head and smiles, eyes aglitter. “You wish to continue our fight from earlier on?” 

“I did not fight with you,” Fenris answers, “You did not yet know you were wrong.”

Roaring, Hawke throws back his head, his throat resonate with laughter. “They do not know where to go. They are refugees now.” he says after a moment, smiling appreciatively up at the man sitting in his lap, anticipating the game.

“Which did not prevent the man from attacking me with blood magic when we drew closer.” Fenris counters with arid readiness.

“I was assailed by the Templar first.” Hawke retorts slyly.

Fenris’ response is instantaneous and fast: “Whereas the blood mage attacked me behind my back.”

“Of course he did, you cannot expect the poor lad to attack you to your face.” Hawke replies, candid.  

“I was bending down for some badges to help him.” Fenris indignantly snorts.

“Well,” Hawke continues with relishing insolence, “you forgot to shed your murder-face first.”

Slightly Fenris’ eyes narrow, pondering this for a time while leaning back. “He was trying, if only amateurishly, to use my blood, Hawke.”

“Yes, and that is very outrageous,” Hawke concedes in serious graveness, “but the boy was only sixteen and, I think, he was far too afraid to cut his own little finger.”

Fenris grimaces and therefore Hawke, sensing advantage, is quick to plunge on: “Whereas the Templar I was to try and talk out of threatening the poor boy – “

“You mocked her.” Fenris interjects dryly.

“ – whereas the Templar I was trying to jolly along”, Hawke insists, “with her sword nearly hew off my arm.” he ends with a gleeful triumph.

Head slanted, Fenris raises a dark, versatile eyebrow. “The Templar who was about eighty years? At least?”

“She was a very agile eighty-year-old.”

“She,” Fenris dissents with blithe stubbornness, “did not use blood magic.”

“Because she did not know how to. Neither did the boy.” Hawke explains mock-gravely.

“He meant to.  Although I even smiled at him.” invokes Fenris displeased, his eyes an emerald conflagration.

“Baring your teeth at a mage is not smiling, Fenris. It is murder-face.” Then, as though adding an afterthought, Hawke impishly grins. “I, of all people, should know.”

At this the tension shatters and this time it is Fenris’ turn to give a low laugh, Hawke can feel it spiraling in his chest, a plumbless, youthful sound, his chesty voice vibrantly flying up to bead between hundreds of lucent drops of rain.

Gently, Hawke bows his head. Thus, Fenris forehead comes to rest upon his, their breaths mingling.

They listen again for the soft thuds and whispers of the rain.

After a while they kiss. Both hungry and savoring, a tender, silent game of questions and answers of lips. They graze each other’s skin, seek softly for familiar spots, a patch of rough skin, an unfamiliar and late bite, slightly swollen.

A little later Fenris and Hawke talk, dripping clouds lazily passing by, their voices quiet and clear to each other.

Hawke tells Fenris of his mother, the feel of her hard, rounded belly which he touched with young hands as a small boy, of his brother and sister, how they were born in the midnight blue middle of a storm-wrapped night, how he used to play hide-and-seek with tiny Carver and climbed ancient trees with little Bethany, and the fire the two of them once started, unwittingly, in his mother’s prized flower bed.

Hawke tells him stories of his childhood, stories of white-capped mountains which send their frigid howls down into snow-swirling dells in a Ferelden white, of forests so dark and mystical, moss-green and bark-brown, brimming with tales of walking trees and talking wolves hidden between shades of innumerable greens in short summer, every conceivable shade of white in winter. Lands, fields and streams still ruled by chilling winters and long-dead kings.

How did you survive, Fenris asks as the pads of his fingertips trace along the arcs of Hawke’s cheekbones and scrub against the defying black of his beard, in this threatening cold?  What does a frozen sea look like, Hawke?

Hot meals, Fenris, long-burning, flame-red fires from crepitant logs and twigs during long nights, and warm, heavy furs like the wild men wear in the south.

Fenris, in turn, talks then of dense jungles and tangled vegetation, the unmatched feeling of overwhelmingness in opaque, dark, colossal jungles of towering trees, giant green leaves, spear-like sunrays that pierce the otherwise impenetrable green, smoothing darkness. Of tall stone pagodas overrun with twining vines. Of roaring cataract waterfalls amidst lushes of leafy, muggy forest pervading the sight, the sun a remote memory under the eclipsing canopy of virescent leaves, a luminous baldachin shrilly alive with all manner of cries, chatters, chirrups and sundry shrieks. Of a turquoise blue ocean which sheds its color to a cryptic midnight blue after sunset, leaving a taste of salt on skins. Of a stupefying onslaught of water, dripping, drenching, dousing during incessant rains permeating for weeks on end. Inbetween these onrushs the continual dripping of beads on ferns and creepers like a sheet of crystals, mixing up with the pervasive thin layer of sweat on the skin, adding to the moisture in the air. Of the everlasting, impermeable, out-reaching fog veiling warriors of egregious stealth and skill, who harbor but secrets of the origin of the legendary Griffons from the vast mountains tangy with cinnamon and nutmeg, a fragrance that weaves in and out of the luscious greenery of ferns. Here, Fenris pauses. Somewhat lost in reflection, contemplation. As always.

At first, this was difficult for Fenris.

Speaking. Talking. About good things, too. Things worth to remember.

Testing the power of your tongue. Letting your voice fly out of your chest and settle somewhere within another heart.

Letting lose things, of birds and beasts, flowers and thorns, things you are not sure you dare to examine yourself, things that bear both blossoms and poison. Power indwelling and evoked in both. And by letting them lose, that power transfers into the listener.

So Hawke started it. By letting fly small stories. Kirkwall, the first year he lived there, Ferelden, his hometown Lothering. Short tales that grew larger eventually, as Fenris tried, hesitantly, warily, distrustfully the power of his own voice. Hitherto he had spoken, oh yes, words burst forth from within by runaway emotions, unbridled, only to be shackled again and frowned upon afterwards. So, with incredible difficulty, tentatively, cautiously, with a lot of faltering and long considering pauses between words while Hawke listened to him in silence, Fenris tried.

What does a white beach look like, asks Hawke, rubbing Fenris’ arm lightly as his quiet stretches on, how does a warm sea leaping at your naked toes feel like? How does it taste, the moist sky and jungle air?

And Fenris tells Hawke, under the shelter of softly padding rain drops, of ensanguined beaches and mossy ground trembling under the everlasting combat of Tevinter soldiers and Qunari warriors. Fenris tells, his voice clear and quiet, after great consideration, also of Minrathous, a city of marvels and terrors alike. Of how he endured nights of stomach-punching, mind-dulling hunger in a palatial, marble-pillared place brimming with food, of nights filled with the heart-pounding, ceaseless listening for hunting pursuers, of the guilt and pleasure of stolen crumbs of bread over a dead body.

There are stories, yes, stories Fenris does not talk about which Hawke hears in the mute, overpowering echo of his silence. Stories Hawke both fears and yearns for.

Therefore, Hawke talks of his father.

The tickle and scratchiness of his father’s ebony beard under his boyish fingers The way his mouth curved, sagged and arched into infectious grins. The reverberation of his resonating laughter when no one else would laugh but anyone be provoked into it by his quiet smile in a fuliginous hut. . The smell of tender arms. Of his father taking him for walks by hours on end into the winding forests, teaching him magic, pure simple magic, and considerably more.  His father whom Hawke invariably, ineradicably venerated and revered, a man of such kindness and protectiveness that he would help anyone who stumbled across his path. A man of unparalleled strength of will who wielded his magic before Hawke’s admiring boyish eyes with skill unrivaled, a man who seemed not to draw magic from the elements but rather be flooded by it from nature itself, while Fenris’ gaze lingers upon Hawke’s features with a softening, gentle expression whereas Hawke’s voice deliquesces to a throaty hoarseness.

Thus, a forest of stories arises, familiar ones they have shared many times before to one another so that they sound like lullabies from forgotten childhood days to either Fenris or Hawke. A forest grows of stories which they find new aspects to each time they tell the other again, a fresh point of view to ponder, a new silver light in the snow of a cold morning to behold, an almost forgotten, dusty taste to palpate in their mouths. And new stories as well. Stories which they are strangers to themselves until they have finished telling, somewhat scared, their gaze intend and steady upon the other’s face.

Inbetween stories they kiss again, patient and slow and between hushed words, indignant laughter and childlike giggles to find them.

The rain obscuring their sight, they have not seen the sun riding low in the sky and being pulled below the earth, illumined with streaks of light threading their way through the clouds. On the opposite side the moon rises behind the horizon as a vast, unbelievably sublime coin. It is aglow in ember-colored tones.

Meanwhile the rain has stopped, the clouds somehow, somewhen drifted along, revealing a welkin unsullied. Along the branches of the three-fingered tree buds glister lightly with the occasional drop, each heavy with the power of a rainforest’s monsoon, falling with a dead Ferelden king’s immortal might. A pale pink brushes the skies in the early evening, enchanting the horizon into a silky teal flowing into dainty rosy hues, dissolving to mysterious lilacs and, ultimately, velvety cobalt blue, their pastel shades disintegrating into one another.

The rain over, they rise from the embrace of the tree. Hawke tastes the squishy ground first with his boot, the grass springy and spongy underneath him. They bring down the almost soaking cloak which sustained shelter for them all the same.

Albeit smudged with winter dirt, the rain has bestrewn the wet ground with a scatter of shyly budding blossoms. But lying on a green bed of silk, violet crocus flowers wreathe among snowdrops of impeccable ivory and valorous-greened, saffron-yellow daffodils. Once night descends and soars again, hidden birds will begin their songs of time-old tales in every direction despite the cold dawn.

As of yet, Hawke and Fenris listen into the evening air, indicative of battle and fear, fading at last. The barely interrupted fighting has stopped to an exhausted stupor.

The lake from which they ran around midday lies shimmering and serene, struck by spring twilight, its depth wrought in the remembrance of a waning winter, not yet radiant with the lapis blue it will don to bedazzle its entranced surroundings.

With the cease of daylight, the war cries gradually cease too with tired people soon returning to their makeshift camps and jealously guarded camp fires, holding their enemies at bay by the threat of a night ambush, and a sort of weary silence returns to this once tranquil land.

Hawke’s boots squelch and Fenris’ incorrigibly bare feet slap onto the wet grass. Both of them look up to glance not at the spectacular fulgent full moon but westwards.

Behind them, under an unblemished plum-purple firmament, the low horizon would emanate a peach-colored, splendid glow, were it not for the bilious green exuded in the sky above. As both Fenris and Hawke look in its direction, upon their faces is cast a haunting light which throws their features into unfamiliar shapes, rifts and cracks, defacing, distorting them almost into unrecognizability.

Tentatively, Fenris hand touches Hawke’s chest.

“No news from Varric yet.”

Almost absent-mindedly, Hawke’s hand comes to rest on the pocket underneath his armor, too, where a carefully folded, thin package of swiftly-written and often-read letters rests, not speaking at once.

“I would never have believed to say this: No.”

Thoughtful, Fenris looks back at eerie sky. They both appraise it for a while.

This night, although they do not yet know of it, they will spend with rare company, sharing their food and secureness despite Hawke’s being careful of unearthing his name and self. Young and unkempt, a girl of maybe ten years will observe Fenris with curious child’s eyes, after setting fire to a winter-brown scrub, whom he calls witch. She, consequently, proudly informs him when I grow up I will become a witch of the wilds. They thereupon continue staring at each other, she peering, he glaring, till the girl lifts her dirty hands to snatch the apple in mid-air, revealing a gap between her teeth with her grinning at his gift.

For now, however Fenris’ hand easily slides into Hawke’s with well-practiced ease, a modest squeeze tiding through Hawke’s fingers, filling the chill which has descended upon them with warmth, a breathlessness and contentment flaring up inside him, as they set off for the winter-worn, mage-marked, templar-torn, spring-awaiting lake.

Behind them the solitary, three-stemmed tree slowly becomes one with the sinking crocus-purple night, a forest of trees fading with it.

______________________________________________________

😄 Okay, normally I don’t show drafts and I really don’t feel comfortable sharing  things I feel are not only unrevised but still rough, blurred and incomplete BUT I really, really, REALLY wanted to contribute something to this last day of February and @14daysdalovers so I’ve worked through this for the last three days on end and I'm deciding now to simply bury my face in my hands and be done with it! 😆😅🙈

💗 Thank you so much @scharoux for your invariable efforts and considerate kindness! With your help what would have been a disheartening, quarantine-ridden February was transformed into weeks of pleasure, creativity and love! 💗

🌹 THANK YOU!!! 🌹

PS. A million thanks, too, to all those incredible, invisible people who actually bother to read my stuff!!!

[lermisv4]

Zelda ost is vanishing

So, many of you Zelda fans out there look up Zelda music on YouTube. To study, to chill, to vibe, etc. Some of you may pick a specific game and listen to the whole soundtrack, while some others may put a playlist of some mix of games. I know there are many people who listen specifically the the dungeon OSTs. If you look up “zelda dungeon music”, the very first result on a blank browser (not logged in) is a list titled “zelda dungeon music - UPDATED”.

I am the one who created and maintains that list. And I’m posting this to complain about Nintendo.

I honestly can’t remember when I made the list, only why. I noticed that the previously most popular list was incomplete. I think they did not have the Link Between Worlds soundtrack? I don’t know. But I was kind of disappointed about that so I figured “hey I’m doing nothing on my account” (I haven’t uploaded a single video, lol - hell, at the time the only reason I even HAD an account was because Google had just bought YouTube) “so may as well make the list myself!”

It was... mildly difficult. For the most popular games, I could just go to GilvaSunner’s channel and pick the tracks, but for most of the 2D games I had to look for channels of the same quality and pick tracks from there. There was also the fact that I REALLY wanted the playlist to cover everything, so I had to make a few choices on WHAT to choose. Do I include caverns? If not, why? If yes, why? Is it fair to include the caverns of one game and not the other? (eventually I decided on “depends on whether you get a key item from them / plot significance”) Do I include spinoff titles, like Hyrule Warriors? (I decided no) How do I manage games with a stage-type structure, like Four Swords? Do I put the songs in the order I find them on the playlists or according to their in-game appearance? Do I include the dungeon intros? I tried that, but it didn’t flow well. Hell, at one point I tried to add ALL THE VARIATIONS OF THE TRIFORCE HEROES STAGES but not even a third through I was like NOPE. Yes, I know the titles in that part in the playlist are in french, I honestly thought it was a quirk of the game due to the whole “fashion” thing.

Eventually, I had a cool playlist I was happy with more songs than THE most popular playlist, and I was secretely hoping it would surpass the other playlist in views because clearly mine is the better one! (yeah, I know how that sounds) It was slow going at first and I was frustrated when for a long time YouTube searches would not show it among the results - I can’t remember how long it took me to make, but it was a while. But over time some people started noticing, I got a few thousand views, and it started growing increasingly popular until it had almost as many views as the most popular one. I added UPDATED on the title to let people know that THIS list was up to date.

That playlist had become really important to me at that time. I know it’s stupid of being proud of something like that, but I listened to it all the time - whether I was studying or writing fanfiction and needed a vibe trip to the fantasy realm or whatever. It got me through some pretty tough exam periods, let me tell you.

Then Breath of the Wild came out. That was when I started noticing problems.

I was a few months late to the party because real life kicked my ass (still does), but eventually I watched a full walkthrough of the game and obviously decided it high-time I add the new tracks. After all, it has “UPDATED” in the title, I can’t leave it without the tracks of such an immensely popular game.

So first I went to GilvaSunner’s channel to add the new tracks. But they weren’t there. Okay... I found a different channel. Oh nice. I added the new tracks, making sure to include additional ones in accordance to my broadened standards. I left the list alone, happy once again.

A few months later, I noticed that all the BotW tracks had been deleted. I was EXTREMELY weirded out. I found another channel which took those tracks and reuploaded them. Oh, okay, problem solved. Then THOSE tracks were taken down. The channel reuploaded them again. I readded them. Then slowly, over the course of time, I noticed that various tracks in the playlist would randomly go missing. Like the dungeon theme from Phantom Hourglass, or the stuff from a Link to the Past, or that something happened to the Spirit tracks soundtrack. Each and every time, I would search YouTube, trying to recall WHICH tracks were missing (I never wrote the list anywhere because I have my criteria memorized), reorganising them - sometimes on my phone, during class - and always with a low-key nervousness that I may have forgotten something. Oftentimes I would find notices of the type “this video is not available in your country” which REALLY pissed me off.

Then, last year, all the Ocarina of Time songs went missing. I borderline panicked back then, but I was able to - once again - find the tracks and replace them, but with the thought of “who tf would take them down”.

I know who would. Nintendo, that’s who. By that point I kept hearing stuff about how they would take down stuff like mods, or some channels, but I never thought they’d attack a channel that’s been there forever and was abandoned for a few years.

Yesterday, I decided to replay the list. The entirety of Majora’s Mask, Wind Waker, Twilight Princess, Link Between Worlds, and most of the Skyward Sword and Link to the Past soundtracks were taken down. And I DON’T KNOW WHEN.

I freaked the F out. I spent literal hours looking for the tracks online, wondering what else was missing, if I would even find what I needed online, how long would it take, and when the hell did this happen!? I slapped an “under repairs” notice on the playlist and went searching. Eventually I found replacements for everything.

Then today, the original LOZ soundtrack and the rest of the Skyward Sword ones went missing. The LOZ dungeon theme I had on the playlist was a 30 second video. And they deleted that. It was online for about TEN YEARS. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find replacements for that stuff? You’ll find extended versions and dozens of different covers, but never the originals.

As for Skyward Sword? Today I was only able to find a few extended versions of the missing tracks. NONE of the originals. So I put the “under repairs” label on the list again, and now I can only hope somebody uploads them, and that no more game music channels will be attacked within the month.

I freaking HATE Nintendo for doing this. Remove the soundtrack? Some of these games are older than I am. Piracy? Bitch please. If you didn’t want people pirating your content, THEN YOU WOULD HAVE MADE IT AVAILABLE TO ALL. Yeah, I pirate the shit out of everything. But I WOULD buy if it was AVAILABLE! “Buy the official comic” they say WELL MAKE AN OFFICIAL TRANSLATION SO WE CAN. “Buy the official version” well maybe if you would sell it without requiring some weird regional check and subscription - if you even sell it to begin with.

I hate this. I freaking hate this.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make a community post so I would at least have a means for others to inform me if they noticed something wrong. I have like - only eleven subscribers but that’s not the issue, I have a playlist with over 200.000 views that people obviously like and I want to deliver. I failed at making a post because I couldn’t find the freaking option and I gave up out of frustration. And today THIS happened.

I am seriously considering downloading all those tracks in a sound only format on my laptop, and if something gets deleted again to upload it myself. But the thought scares me. I did not even WANT that Youtube account. I have uploaded absolutely no videos. I simply have a few playlists of shit that I like. But like I said, that Zelda dungeon music playlist is the most popular on YouTube. What if they decide that “no, that’s not acceptable” and decide to strike with the banhammer?

I don’t know if anyone CAN offer a solution, but I really needed to vent. I started this thing for the vibes, I don’t want to chase around the uploads for who knows how many years in the future. Sometimes I even think that whoever takes down this stuff may be finding obscure YouTube channels BECAUSE of my playlist. But... I know it sounds stupid but I can’t let go of it.

So here. That’s my confession. I needed to get this out of my chest. You can look it up yourselves. Yeah, that’s my real name there I won’t deny it, nothing to hide. Enjoy my playlist because I don’t know how long it’s going to be around. And please keep in mind that as of the time of writing, the Skyward Sword section is missing most of the tracks.

Thank you for reading.

EDIT: UPDATE - I managed to restore the full playlist and download all the tracks I needed on my PC. Here’s hoping there’s no new round of takedowns on 2023.

[andraaste]

I am not your enemy - Lance fanfiction part 8

This is the chapter of which I had published an excerpt the very first time, so here’s finally the full version ! This is one of my favorites, I hope this will also be the case for you 💕

(Link for Chapter 9 here)

Chapter 8 : Your powers are still there

The door slammed shut and I felt Lance's large body pass near me, brushing my arm nonchalantly as it passed. My stomach contracted in apprehension.

I had most likely just interrupted him during a workout because, without ever completely turning his back on me, he grabbed a towel and quickly wiped his abdomen before putting on some of his armor, completely covering his neck and chest.

- Are you afraid that I will try to attack you from behind again ? I said ironically to see him cover himself like this, especially the back of his neck.

The dragon smirked at my remark. He stole a glance at me as he finished covering himself.

- You know very well that it is you who would gain the most to protect yourself in my presence rather than the other way around, he replied as naturally as possible. If I wanted to, I could have killed you in the market place without anyone seeing anything.

Good.

- It's just that I never completely remove my armor in the presence of another person, just a matter of habit, he explained to me then.

An ironic pout on his lips, he added :

- And indeed, I understood that you were rather unpredictable, as a girl. I prefer to avoid the risk of attacks in the back.

- At least I'm making an impression, I continued in the same vein. Should I also fear for my survival by leaving the door closed ?

My question was meant to be amused, but his indecipherable gaze still gave me a slight doubt.

- For you to see if you decide to trust me or not, I could completely lie to you by telling you that you do not fear anything here.

Where was he, the sensible little smile to accompany this kind of thinking ?

- But you came on your own, so I take it you know what you're doing, he finally concluded.

If he knew how much I had no idea...

I looked away to observe the room around me (and potentially discreetly analyze my chances of running away from here in the event of a life or death story), never having had the opportunity to see in which type of place Lance could live well. Another detail ends up intriguing me. The room was really ... sober. Other than a bed, all kinds of weapons and armor, and a few books, the room showed no particular sign of singularity. Having probably noticed that I was inspecting his lair with my eyes, Lance explained to me with a shrug :

- I don't particularly like wasting my time settling somewhere, I have relatively few personal effects.

Much more than its sobriety, I was also surprised to realize that the room was perfectly tidy. Having arrived unexpectedly, it would have been normal to find even two or three things that were out of place, but nothing seemed to hang around despite my research.

- Why don't you like to settle down ? I asked him, genuinely curious to know his way of seeing things.

My question seemed to catch him off guard too, for he seemed to be trying to find his words for a moment.

- I just think I never really had a home.

I turned to observe him. Looking thoughtful, he didn't seem to have noticed me.

- I've always migrated quite a bit, and even if it's not the first time I've moved somewhere for a long time like here, I prefer not to get too attached to a place and be free to leave when I want. Moreover, as a warrior, you have to know how to be ready for any eventuality and not get too attached to such trivial things.

I pondered his words as silence fell between us. Lance really had a knack for turning everything into drama.

Or the bombastic.

- But every good warrior must have a home waiting for him somewhere, right ?

- When you have one, probably yes. But what connects me to this place is not one of them.

I thought back to what I had been told about Lance's return to custody. His need to redeem himself was probably the only thing holding him back here. The memories in that place were probably going to hurt more than anything to him. He had suffered a real emotional shock, even though he had totally sought it out.

- I think I understand what you mean, I started cautiously. Me neither, I don't really have a home anymore, with the difference that I already had one. When I got to Eldarya, I lost everything else. Everything that made Earth home to me.

Memories of arriving here flooded through my head, especially the potion Miiko had forced me to drink soon after. It was clearly not glorious, but at least it had made it a little less difficult for me to accept this forced new start.

- I finally managed to recreate a semblance of home here, but then...

Seeing that I did not continue my sentence, the dragon deduced it for me.

- I pushed you to sacrifice yourself and lose everything once again.

His words were harsh, brittle, yet he let no emotion betray his face. He pursed his lips as if to keep from adding something. I was confused.

- Yes, I breathed so low I doubted he heard me.

- Look, I'm not going to apologize again. If that's what you're here for, you can leave, nothing is holding you back and certainly not me.

His jaws were twitching as he spoke, which irritated me in turn.

- I'm not here tonight to blame you or try to make you apologize, so you don't need to make those kinds of threats to me. And I'm a big girl, know that if I want to leave I don't need your approval.

- We at least agree on this point.

It was my turn to cringe. Damn, why was he being so rude again ?

- I'm glad to see that you still have your bad temper anyway, I said bitterly.

He gave a sharp laugh that made my hair stand on end.

- People don't change fundamentally, Andraste. They each evolve in their own way, but their nature remains the same. Remember that living in redemption doesn't change who I am.

- So you're telling me that all the nice words I've been hearing about you for weeks are wrong ?

- That's not what I'm saying and I don't know what you've been told about me. Anyway, I don't want to know, even if I have my little idea about it.

- Oh, but I don't doubt that, no. You have to believe that you did a good job of putting everyone in your pocket.

I could see his jaws twitching sharply under his tanned skin.

- That's not what you think, Andraste.

- I thought you had nothing to do with what I thought ?

- Do not distort my words.

- So you have something to do with it ?

- That's not what I said either, stop playing it.

I put my fingers over my eyes, trying to calm the anger rising in me. He might be working for Eldarya's good now, but other than that he definitely hadn't changed. Lance might have been calmer and more thoughtful than before, but he still remained the same to some extent. It all reminded me too much of Ashkore.

- Look, I don't even know why I decided to come see you here, but what is certain is that it was a mistake. We are definitely not meant to get along, you and me.

Pissed off and frustrated, I headed for the door to leave this stuffy place, when his hand grabbed my forearm and stopped my gesture.

- Andraste, calm down.

I didn't answer. I just waited for him to make up his mind to let go of me, still turning my back on him.

- You still haven't told me why you came here, he continued.

- I already told you, I had no particular reason, so let me go please. I thought you won't hold me back.

- I won't hold you back when you explain it to me.

His tone was dry, but nonetheless he pulled gently on my arm to push me to face him. With our sleeves rolled up, this was the first time our two bare skins had touched each other, the dragon usually always wearing gloves, and that contact felt like pricking my skin. Feeling a strange sensation arise in me, I finally unwrapped everything for him, trying to hold back my tears of frustration in the process.

- I feel lost, Lance. I feel like I have to start all over again, except this time around, a chasm seems to separate me from those I already knew. I am tired, my body can no longer keep up. And I feel ...

I looked for a moment at his hand, which was still holding my forearm firmly, the paleness of my skin contrasting sharply with the tanned complexion of his, before looking up at him.

- Incomplete, I finally concluded. I feel like my body needs to regain its powers, but I can't.

Lance observed me for a long time before lowering his eyes in turn.

- Look.

I followed his movement to discover a soft light escaping from my palm held between us. I was speechless.

- How...

My voice stopped. Why were my powers awakening at this precise moment? Since that famous training with him, I had tried several times to use them again, but each of my attempts had resolutely turned out to be luck.

Lance's fingers grew colder and colder and soon, faint streaks of ice appeared on my skin and descended to the heat source in the palm of my hand. When the two elements met, I felt an incredible force spread in me and with the same impulse, the light which escaped from my extremity suddenly burst a bluish color. My hand and arm were almost completely covered in ice, but yet I only felt a slight chill run through me.

He released the pressure on my arm before sliding his fingers until finally let go of me. When the contact between our skins broke, my light flickered for a moment before disappearing. No more sign of magic marked my numb member.

- Your powers are still there, Andraste.

He paused before adding :

- And obviously, they seem to react to mine.

I didn't understand exactly where he was going.

- To react to yours, what do you mean by that?

The dragon had let go of me, but he still didn't back down. His large build blocked my view, I only saw him.

- I don't know exactly, I’ve never had this kind of reaction before. But aengels and dragons have a rather complicated common past, that would explain some events like this one.

I thought back to the fight Leiftan and I had faced him seven years ago. Our powers had as it were merged that day. I thought this only happened because we were both aengels, but was it possible between beings of different origins ?

- Have you ever heard of people merging their powers? I inquired, nervous at the thought of his answer which I certainly wasn't going to like.

His gaze remained impenetrable.

- Apart from Leiftan and you, no, not that I know of. But our races being extinct, we know very little about these kinds of facts.

A memory came back to me then.

- And Fáfnir, he could tell us more !

Lance didn't move but I felt him imperceptibly tighten, which made me anguish. I asked the question that nagged me cautiously.

- Something wrong with Fáfnir ?

He seemed to hesitate to answer me for a moment, but finally spoke, his tone heavy.

- Andraste ... he breathed in contrition and I thought I saw a few sparks of ice escaping from his lips. Memoria is gone, he said, and the dragon's eye too.

I was speechless in amazement. He gave me a few seconds to digest the information before continuing cautiously.

- We don't know where the dragon souls are at the moment. Shortly before you woke up, quite a few unexplained events like this happened. Fáfnir is ... nowhere to be found, let's say.

For the first time, the man's gaze in front of me seemed to waver slightly. The dragon never let it show, but yet I knew it disturbed him more than he made it seem.

- Lance ...

- It's not important, he cut me coldly. We will inevitably find them eventually but for the moment, we cannot count on the knowledge of Fáfnir. However, I would like to know one thing.

I looked at him questioningly.

- How come my ice didn't do anything to you? You didn't seem to feel the cold.

I was taken aback. Granted, only Lance was the only one who really knew what was happening to my body after seeing the miraculous healing of my wound, and my unexplained blood loss, but I hadn't told him all the details I had. had counted on keeping for myself.

- It's probably because of this merging of powers thing, nothing more, I argued with a shrug that wanted to be nonchalant. We do not yet know anything about this phenomenon after all.

Unsurprisingly, the young man did not seem entirely convinced by my answer. He was definitely a formidable adversary, even in areas other than combat. It was my luck.

Cautiously, he moved closer to me, his gaze fixed on mine.

- So, you know if you trust me?

Getting a little closer, he lifted his hands and slowly directed them to my neck, probably giving me time to decide whether or not to let him.

- Let me try something, he whispered to me.

Cradled by the calm tone of his voice, I let his hands reach the thin skin that covered my neck. His long, slender fingers encircled the entire back of my neck, he barely touched me, as if he was afraid that I would push him away. I plunged my questioning gaze into his, his gaze totally focused on his task, when the tingling sensation I'd had earlier on his touch began again, this time where his hands covered me in.

His concentrated face was now tilted so close to mine that I only had to whisper for him to hear my question.

- What are you doing ?

I suddenly felt the same streaks of ice run through my skin. Rising to the bottom of my face, they marked my skin with a slight tickle. Despite everything, I only felt a small sensation of cold.

Lance smirked weakly.

- Breath, he intimated in a deep voice.

Without really knowing why he was asking me to do this, I still breathed weakly into the small space between us. It was then that with amazement, I observed light crystals of ice escaping from my mouth, until gradually transforming into a sort of bluish flame. I widened my eyes at this phenomenon, it was his dragon fire !

His smile widened then.

- A real little ice dragon.

A light expression floated on his face as he gently removed his hands from my neck, removing the last traces of ice that covered me. Slowly, he pulled away from me as well, putting a distance of convenience between us.

I was obsessed with the feeling of fierce power that had invaded me for a brief moment. So that was the strength of the dragons? This feeling of invincibility so primitive. I understood better why they were so formidable, when I had yet tasted only a tiny part of his powers.

- How did you do that? It was amazing!

The latter observed me, his face suddenly slightly serious.

- To be honest, I didn't think it would work. This is the first time that I have tried to impart some of my power to someone else, I didn't even know it was possible.

We both watched each other silently in the stillness of the room, each realizing the extent of the communion of our respective powers.

And it was ... almost scary, to be honest.

The dragon's voice finally broke our silence.

- Andraste, I will advise you not to tell anyone about this phenomenon for the moment, I do not yet know what that could imply.

I nodded without batting an eyelid, I totally agreed with that idea. On the other hand...

I fixed his blue eyes with a determined gaze.

- Lance, I would like you to help me regain my powers.

I paused, hesitating on what to do next.

- But maybe ... out of sight, like here.

He raised an eyebrow in disbelief, a thin smile on his lips.

- The little human wants to make clandestine dates in my room ?

(Chapter 9)

[nobody-knose--archive]

now i think i can guess what you’re thinking. “fog, what the hell is a cojum who?? what is content warning with a question mark supposed to mean? since when have these ocs had these names?” that last question is oddly specific, but i will thank you for hypothetically asking these things, because i love giving hypothetical answers.

cojum who? is an original series of mine that could possibly be considered doctor who fanfiction. i don’t consider it that. it’s set (loosely) in the doctor who universe, with many key setting elements used, and so while background knowledge on dw is highly useful, i don’t actually use any specific characters or stories from the series proper- it’s wholly original. with a caveat. that being, characters & their respective stories are heavily inspired by the music (& other content) of tally hall. i do this with my ocs quite a bit.

thus far, in each of the three main chapters, i’ve introduced one companion to the main doctor figure per chapter. the first also includes a couple of other characters, both of which don’t fit the bill of primary character(s) but are still important. there’s meant to be one more chapter that introduces one more companion, then another that does a good deal with the characters established (because, really, a main cast of 5-7 is kinda too large)

five chapters, though, is a real damn low amount of content, especially for me & my bigass writing plans. i’ve already released two side stories for this thing already, what makes you think i won’t release more? (though one of the side stories is really non-canonized, if you want an impression of how much this series has changed in all the time it’s been since i released anything for it). i have a solid few stories that are almost or completely written already, just not published due to a. containing characters or plot elements not yet introduced in the main chapters (i refuse to spoil my own stories) or b. not being typed up (i write a lot physically).

now: if you want to both a. read everything for this story i’ve published & b. learn a miscellaneous thing or two about the characters, come check out the cojum who? tag on my blog. bear in mind though, that a lot of it is old or undetailed, and that these characters have come a very, very long time since they were invented/when i talked about them most on my blog. that all seems to indicate that asking me questions about my characters would be a good idea, doesn’t it?

oh also for the last part of that hypothetical series of questions: i came up with these names for the ocs around mid-november because i felt like it, mainly. i’ve retroactively made their names in most published material to match up with their current names, but that doesn’t effect, like, reblogged tumblr posts. a few of the main characters have profiles on my toyhouse account, but those are left deliberately simplistic, & that account as a whole is incomplete, so unfortunately it can’t be a very comprehensive resource.

[littlestartemis]

Did you follow me for deltarune fanfiction?

Damn, crying shame that is.

Anyway have like 3 pages of Kris alone with their thoughts taking place between Chapters 1 and 2. Mobile users... well, sorry. Just uh, keep scrolling I guess.

    The room was dark when they returned, everything inside left in complete pitch in the dead of night. The young human gripped and released the fingers of one hand, testing how much control they had over their own appendages. Seemingly satisfied, they took in a deep breath, wiping the pie crumbs from their mouth with one long sleeve. With somewhat tired, heavy steps, they crossed their darkness covered room with ease, clicking on the map that sat alone on their bedside table. And with some low light to better see, they turned, their cold gaze beneath their messy hair locked firmly on the little pulsing, glowing heart still locked in the birdcage they kept by their bed.

    Without a word, they approached, their stride slow as they covered the short distance. Not calm, though. As they walked, steely eyes locked onto their target, they continued to clench their hands into fists over and over. Tight fists, as though trying to relieve tension.

    Finally, they closed the gap, looming over the heart at their feet. The thing in the cage moved, floating to and fro, helplessly looking for some method of escape, a faint yet rapid pulsing of light red light coming from within it. 

    The human crouched down, throwing open the cage door with one hand, their other quickly shooting inside and gripping around the frightened little heart. The hold they had on the strange little thing was tight, fingers sinking into the surprisingly tough little bundle of light and warmth. Their prey in hand, they took a seat on the end of their bed, and lifted the heart to their line of sight. Their grip tightened further, the pulsing increased, the warmth turned hotter, and a concerning sound like electricity itself cracking began to fill their ears.

    And then, they stopped. Their grip loosened, but they still kept a hold of the beating handful of warmth. Another sigh escaped them. And, after a moment more to think, their lips parted. And they spoke.

    “Why…” Their voice was quiet, with a lightness to it that made for a sharp contrast to their intimidating aura. What sounded like a slight rasp from underused underlined the sound as well. “... Why… are you.” They finished the still incomplete question.

    A moment of silence was the answer the human received. “... Are you trying to take over me completely? Usurp my whole life?!” They demanded, their grip tightening again as they held the thing up closer to their face. The only indication that the little thing could even understand was the pulsing and beating speeding up once more. As though it were panicked. Yet still, they received no words. They pulled back again. “Well, you’ve got a strange way of going about it… Catti always said that demons are usually out to ruin your life, or everyone else’s.” They paused, digging into their pocket and retrieving a pencil they’d nearly forgotten about. It wasn’t the one they’d taken to school with them that day, this one was a gaudy bright orange with little black bats painted onto it. They twirled the pencil between their fingers of their free hand for a moment, looking… contemplative. “... So why did you go so far out of your way to give me friends…?”

    Another sigh escaped them, their eyes finally trailing away from the heart in their hand as they looked at the wall instead, their gaze softening somewhat. “I thought… I thought Susie was going to kill me, actually. But she’s… really cool. A lot of fun to talk to, too. When I got to anyway.” They glanced into the corner, scoffing, that cold glare returning to their eyes. “I can’t believe what MK said about her…”

    Another moment passed, one filled with more silence than the last, the human still simply holding this little bundle of pulsing magic in their hand. It’s beating and blinking had slowed, seemingly calming down itself. They glanced back at it, head tilting. “... I think I know what you are. You’re a soul, aren’t you? … I’m not really sure how I know what you are, but. I do.” The beating increased again, yet somehow they could tell, it was less to do with panic or fear. “And I… don’t think you’re trying to take over.” Their gaze grew cold again, fingers gripping. “I hope it’s clear if you ever try to, I can stop you.” The pulsing increased in speed.

    They released their grip again. “I don’t know why you’re doing this to me… or. For me.” Their gaze wandered, scanning over the dimly lit and neatly kept half of the room dedicated to their older brother, including the shelves of trophies that lined part of the wall. “I’ve… never had much I’ve been good at. Something only I can do. And after-...” They stopped themselves, a small something choking up their throat. They took a shaky breath. “... I haven’t had friends to spend time with in a long time, especially now that Asriel’s gone at college.”

    The human looked back to the heart, their eyes less cold, but still difficult to read. “The way you act though, when I’m around Susie, or while we were in that dark world, it’s so brave. I can play pranks, and tell jokes, but being brave… that’s not something I’ve ever thought of myself as.” They looked at the arm on their free hand, elbow bent and fist clenched as they recalled the day’s events. “But without even thinking about it… you didn’t tell me or, or make me, I just jumped in front of Susie. It was so easy, so natural, and… and I’m not sure if I’d have been able to do that on my own.” Their free hand fell, and they gripped the blanket beneath them, hair covering their eyes as their gaze fell completely. “You even had the guts to talk to Noelle, like it was nothing…”

    And again, the room was filled with a deafening silence. Nothing but the faint, almost imperceptible sound of the soul beating calmly. The human stood up wordlessly, took their new pencil, and started across the room again. With more care than most would show to a tacky novelty pencil, they opened the drawer in their bedside table, and placed it inside for safe keeping. The human stood tall, looking the soul over.

    “I’m not giving up my life to you.” They stated bluntly. “... but there might be a little room for you in it with me.” They said, finishing their thought. “I want to keep being friends with Susie, and Ralsie, and Lancer, and… and Noelle. But I don’t know how to do all the things you did on my own. Not yet. You can stay, but my life is mine, and if I want to live it, you’re out again, alright?” They received no words, as they expected. Just a still calm, if slightly faster beating.

    A calm sigh escaped them as they turned to get back into bed. “Let’s make this more official… You already know by now, but. My name’s Kris. And I think…” They squinted their eyes for a moment, scrutinizing the soul, and nodded to themselves. “Yeah… I think I know your name at least, too.” 

    Kris took in a slow, calm breath. Then exhaled. They breathed in. And out. And in. Out.

    Their next breath in was sharp as they plunged their hand into their own chest, taking the soul with it. They lurched forward, gritting their teeth, eyes clenched shut as their hair hung in their face. They could feel it, this intense and unknowable warmth radiating through their body, across their limbs, into their head, and even through their own soul. It felt strange and terrible, feeling something so powerful and so closely latched onto you, yet being unable to read or know anything about it. But… there was something else about it now. Like a gesture of reassurance they couldn’t feel. A hand that wasn’t their on their back, a voice with no words telling them it was alright. Truly, they didn’t know if they could trust this soul completely. But they wanted to.

    After growing accustomed to the feeling again a few minutes later, they pulled their hand back, their chest fine and still solid. A breath escaped them. Their words sounded off, like another voice was speaking with them, despite only their own coming through. “We’re gonna see Ralsie again tomorrow, us and Susie… let’s make tomorrow a good day too.” Their arm lifted beside them despite not turning to look what they were doing, grabbing the edge of the blanket and pulling it back over themselves as their body moved to lay on its side. “... Maybe even make more new friends…” Their hand reached past them, and clicked off the lamp at their side. 

    Their eyes shut. 

    And they wondered if, maybe, they’d made one more friend than they thought.

[mercurygray]

The Big BOB OFC Data Dive

When I first joined this fandom in April, it was the middle of a pandemic and all I wanted was a big wish-fulfillment project to work on - and I was surprised to find that, for a 20 year old fandom, Band of Brothers is still going strong, and, perhaps more surprisingly, is representing very well for one of my favorite fandom tropes - the original female character.

After several discussions about overused tropes and pet peeves, and because I am simply odd like this, I wanted to go back through fic to see if there were any patterns over time over a) what professions OFCs are placed in in fic and b) which BoB guys get more OFC attention.

In order to answer this question, I went to two major, cross-fandom archives (AO3 and FF.net) manually scraped data, stuck it in a spreadsheet and played with it a little bit. (Pivot tables; they’re great.) I was going to try and make a graph, but this was already starting to take a little longer than I had anticipated, so I’m going to summarize in words for brevity.

I recognize this is a very small subset of a small fandom. I acknowledge my research method is faulty and would not hold up to peer review. I know that there is a lot more of what I would call 'ephemeral' on platforms like Tumblr that's been excluded from the basis of this survey.

Why not Wattpad, Merc? I chose not to survey Wattpad only because I'm unfamiliar with the platform, and because its search and indexing features make it unfriendly to the manual data collection I was using. Furthermore, as a mixed-use space, I feel the conventions vary strongly from the other two archive spaces represented in the data.

Owing to changes in tagging systems, system purges, and fandom migrations to other platforms, this may be an incomplete dataset, but  still serves to take a look at trends over time. I joked to a friend that this project started feeling a little bit like fandom archeology, going through strata of accepted norms.

AO3 Data:

2020 was the BoB Year of the OFC. In 2020 alone, 35 separate authors updated OFC fics on AO3, compared with 9 the year previous.

I trust myself to have pretty good OFCdar - as in, to be able to watch a show and know who's more likely to show up in these types of fics. When I first watched BoB ten years ago, my money was on Joe Liebgott and Lewis Nixon - and I wasn't wrong. These two have a very strong presence in the AO3 data, followed very quickly by Ron Speirs and Eugene Roe, although Don Malarkey also makes a very strong showing as well.

Lewis Nixon fans are in for the long haul. Nixon was more likely to have multi-part collections or multichapter fics dedicated to him.

There was a strong lull in OFC fandom activity in 2018 - prior to this, many OFC fics were routinely pulling 18-20 kudos. After 2018, the average drops to 10, with some outliers.

FF.net

I was surprised to find that FF.net is still a going concern for a subset of BoB fans; 17 OFC stories were published to the platform in 2020, with minimal duplication in the AO3 set. 

The oldest fic in this set is from 2005, compared with 2011 in the AO3 data. The FF.net stories have a tendency to be longer, multipart fics, written over much longer periods of time. Their summaries tend to fit the legacy format for describing OCs - "[Name] is a [occupation] whose [reason for joining up] will [change her life/finally let her fall in love.]" 

These stories ALSO have a tendency towards what I would call 'heritage tropes' - story ideas that I read a lot of in my early days as a fanfiction author but which I don't see too often in fics now.  There are 5 OCs in this dataset in time-travel fics, but there's also a couple that are magically related to a canon character, and, very interesting to me, there are also three stories where the character joins the company as a DISGUISED woman, a heritage trope if ever there was one. (Thank you, Mr. Shakespeare.)

FF.net OCs are much more likely to fit expected fandom norms in terms of their occupations; the majority are female paratroopers, nurses, or medics. The top romantic interests in this dataset? Richard Winters, Joe Liebgott, and Ronald Speirs, with Don Malarkey and Doc Roe rounding out the top five. BUT I noticed another pattern; when sorted over time, there are bands where multiple authors in the fandom are all writing for the same paraguy - and that that guy changes over time, while the authors remain the same. (You’re writing about Luz? We’re ALL writing about Luz.)

Another interesting trend in this data is the appearance of several authors who are writing what appear to be the forerunners of the now-ubiquitous tumblr reader-insert fic. These are stories in shorter, 1000-2000 word formats, unconnected to other works in a series with an unnamed protagonist whose occupation isn't mentioned in the story description.  They occur in the dataset in blocks by the same author, with three or four stories clumped around the same publish date, and their sole reason for existing seems to be to express or receive romantic interest from/in a paraguy, not tell a particular woman's story.

Takeaways:

Named But Not Appearing In Canon characters, Reader Inserts, and Original Characters are three distinct categories of fic with different target audiences. None of them are 'wrong' in any way, but I feel each should be tagged differently. Kitty Grogan, for instance, is named in the show but never appears, and while we have to speculate on what she's actually like, she's different than the characters we created out of thin air and should be tagged accordingly.

I know several fics being written by acquaintances of mine don't appear in this survey because, while the ship is tagged, they're not tagged as 'Original Female Character (s)' and several Reader Inserts found their way into the dataset because they're tagged incorrectly. (You all should FIX THIS.)

On AO3, fics with more comments were also more likely to have more bookmarks. Since comments are an entry point to beginning a relationship with the work's author, authors who engage in the comments seem to be more likely to have the type of followers who bookmark and return to a work. These works also tend to be longer, supporting the idea that continued engagement with authors over time is a good way to encourage them to keep creating.

[savrenim]

hi hi hi. so I just got into the Hamilton fandom, I swear I am four years late where did everybody go, and, well. I am apparently a hamburr shipper. bcs that is my life now. anyway I saw your fic ifmlam and I swear it is my favourite of all the fics I've ever read (and trust me I've read literally thousands). I love it so so much, how do you write fics like that??? I cried about four times during the whole thing, I stayed up till 4am reading it even when I had to wake up at 7 because it is just. that. good. I could not stop thinking about it for days afterwards and ifmlam has just ruined me. I can't think of listen to Hamilton without thinking of ifmlam anymore.

on to my qursttion: is it abandoned? of course it's perfectly FINE if it is. don't let anyone tell u differently, your fic is YOURS and u are amazing.

but pls I really need closure from ur fic, it has been haunting me if its abandoned or ongoing and I've read ur other fics and they are just chefskiss and thank you so much for writing them all. thank you thank you thank you, I will never be able to thank you enough for writing this fic and for everything it's done for me. I am probably thousands of miles away but I am sending you virtual jugs through a co.puter screen right now.

(don't feel pressured to reply to this or update it flam, I know how overwhelming it can get with so many messages and after a while u get desensitized to it. u can literally reply "thx. itfmlam is abandoned" and I would still be amazingly star struck. anyway has gotten way too long and I need to sleep and I'm sorry u probably won't see this so I'm just talking to myself right now but bye!!)

and thank you so so much for writing itfmlam.

aaaah hello anon!

thank you so so much???? I am so??? honored??? that ifmlam rates so highly to you, and also that you've read my other fics??????

the answer to the "is ifmlam abandoned" question is probably the worst possible one, which is pretty much "I do want to finish it, both for the folks that still want closure as well as it bothers to me have abandoned projects that are in the public eye/ already partially published, but also, it is last on my current writing projects list"

my current actually active writing projects list, kind of in order of priority, is

I'm literally three chapters away from being Actually Fully Done with the not-quite-first-not-quite-second let's call it 1.5th draft of an actual?? full?? original?? novel?? Opus which of course then goes out to beta readers and then gets who-knows-how-much edited and then maybe beta readers again if a lot does change and then a copyeditor my mom, my copyeditor is my mom, and maybe my little brother he's one of the betas but is very good at catching typos and then I!!! get to publish it!!!! which is the single thing I am most excited for!!!!!!!!! this should be closed up in the next week or two, and then take a while for people to actually read the draft and get back to me.

I really desperately want to finish my open-but-like-90%-written fic, which means we raise it up, the final chapter of to the bottom of the river bc I realized that it was kind of incomplete, and the second chapter of a buried and a burning flame because any more work there will need to wait until the author publishes the next book in the series. this should be closed up in the next month or two.

Speedwrite the draft of the second book of the Opus series so that hopefully by the time book 1 edits are happening, I have an almost complete draft of the second book. this is mostly me side-eyeing myself about taking nearly four years to write the first book, but that is solidly in part because I had so many other open projects which point 2 is about clearing that docket. this should be done in the next year.

And then just have my major projects be, at least until books 1-5 are written and published, books 1-5 of that because that is arguably the first major 'plot arc' of the series, so if I'm looking for a pause point on writing, that's probably where to stop.

There are two or three other short side projects (a weird fun second person short story tentatively titled witch-queen, a collection of four short stories Memoirs about a not-so-evil necromancer and the shenanigans he gets up to trying to rule a kingdom, working title Perfectly Normal Recipe Blog which is a collaborative project about a perfectly normal recipe blog that definitely doesn't include anything out of the normal) that will happen when they happen

There are other projects that are on the backburner -- The Numanok Files, a series of probably 12-15 short novellas about a mercenary/ bounty hunter esque person in space whose specialty is dealing with hauntings, but, like, 80% of their jobs is actually "you are effectively a space home inspector pointing out faulty wiring reacting to solar flares/ there's a weird alien fungus/ it's carbon monoxide okay change your atmosphere filters" and 20% of it is punching ghosts; there's a post-post apocalypse novel that I want to write that I know characters and general pacing and half the setting but need to work out the other half and figure out how much aesthetic I want to commit to; there's Strangeside7 aka spacerace book that is my reaction to how much I love how Redline the anime movie commits itself to "no we are about a race, like 60% of the screentime is just fully going to be an utterly ridiculous sci fi space race"; there's even a ridiculous YA trilogy that I would have to completely transplant the setting but might end up writing because the interplay between angel-physics and physics-physics was one of my favorite things in the world. and I guess the weird ridiculous technically a sequel series to ifmlam that was going to be published as original books that was basically me having fun with 'okay I fucking love star wars prequels old rotting space bureaucracy galactic republic style' except with seers and that also still might happen because it does have some of the coolest sci fi concepts and honestly I thiiiink that's all?

but the tl;dr of that timeline is I'm trying to finish a punch of projects Right Now, so that I can write books 2-5 of Opus, and then when I'm done that (which honestly, my average fiction-writing output is close to 100k a year. if I'm concentrating purely on one project, and writing books that are about 100k, we are talking four years. although my job situation is super up in the air in that period and writing might get put solidly on the backburner as I try to make it in academia, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I will re-evaluate which projects go next, and that's when ifmlam is likely to come up for review.

I do not have any expectations that I will make it as an original author. I'm planning on posting all of my stuff online for free, but, like. it is incredibly difficult to convince people to try out even a piece of free and easily accessibly original work even if one has a huge following, I am a very small fanfiction author, and from what I can tell the majority of the people who are interested in my work are mostly interested in me finishing ifmlam. writing is a hobby for me, and while I'm writing mostly for me--and hence the for me bit at least for the next five years is pretty solidly going to be this series that I am deeply excited about and have sunk my heart and soul into every single aspect of--I'm human, and I don't really like shouting into the void, and I expect if I spend five years publishing to absolutely no response I will either stop writing for a while and do other things gods know my life is busy enough, return to fandom in general to write some other fanfic about whatever I get deeply into, or return to a work that I actually get response to. so ifmlam will probably start getting worked on a bit at that point one way or another. unless, of course, we are in the incredibly rare timeline in which I do make it as an original author, there are people who are deeply hyped for my original works and an actual demand for them, in which case as you may have noticed there are enough ideas there to keep me busy for a decade or two, and they will just get my full attention instead of fanfiction*. in this timeline, I will do what I was considering doing a few years ago, which is officially declare ifmlam otherwise abandoned and make one more giant chapter update which is a full and cleaned up outline of what I was going to write, interspersed with the scenes already written, and have ifmlam be given at least that closure.

*I want to make it clear that I very much love fanfiction and am proud to have been a fanfiction author and in my heart of hearts would keep writing it forever, I just also have a lot of ideas for characters and settings and magic systems and Aesthetics and I have been biting at the bit to write something that is //mine// and all mine and only mine for a while, I don't see original work as superior so much as there are a dozen fandoms that I am currently in and bursting to make content about except oops these fandoms currently only exist in my head, and I want to correct that

of course given how much as writing is my vent activity and I write what I'm in the mood for, there's a chance I'll feel ifmlam cravings before then, just... expect it to take a couple of years for an update, but also for there to be an update one way of another in a couple of years? but as for right now, I'm turning to original writing, because that is what brings me joy.

but I am really deeply honored that it brought you so much joy!!! and while I will never publish spoilers in a public place, if you message me off anon I am perfectly happy to give a run-down of my current plans for the ending, bc I know "wait a couple years and see" is not the most satisfactory of answers! and hey maybe you'll be like me and once you've given Opus a try you'll decide you like it better too, it does have Seers although they are deeply different Seers than in ifmlam but imo it's very gay and fun and at least politics on one side

[chaneajoyyy]

Hey love 💕 Could you please suggest some MBJ/Killmonger fics that are complete? I’m dying of boredom and I just wanna binge-read

COMPLETED ERIK KILLMONGER SERIES

- tis’ the season series (and the blurbs), dont take it personal series, a catchfish christmas series and the blurbs), the horror of our love series, bedwarmer series (with t’challa and m’baku), musical oneshots series (i know, gangsta, gods and monsters, charm x e)-  @teakturn (all on AO3)

- i call bullshit series, no mercy series- @aloevverified (search: wmi masterlist)

- no place like home series, red bottoms series, strawberry shortcake series, into the depths series, can you handle it series, killing booth series, arguments series, crowning glory series, waiting to get home series, best friends series, line loves series-  @hearteyes-for-killmonger

- sudden reunions series, sorry loser series-  @supersizemeplz (search: masterlist)

- end in flames series- @bvlckgirlmvgix (search: erik killmonger x blackIreader)

- rekindle series- @soufcakmistress (search: masterlist)

- be careful sweetheart series- @avenging-fics

- desserts series- @forbeautyandlife

- you like what you see (may or may not be complete), me and your mama- @panthergoddessbast

- haunted heart series- @youreallyshouldtalkmore

-  mystery of the golden fang series, a map made in heaven series-  @youcantkillamutant (scroll for erik killmonger x black!oc)

- breaking boundaries & breaking walls series part 1- @kaytauru (scroll for #breaking boundaries)

- deal series- @wakandamama

- medicine series, child of mine series- @wakanda-inspired

- operation honeypot series, death of a bachelor series,  liberation series- @blackpantherimagines

- ring series- @blackpantherismyish

- fried green tomatoes series, his nightmare (or his queen) series, best you had series- @iliketowrite1996 (scroll for erik stevens x reader)

- what we used to be series, personal trainer series, on the run series,   @dacreskars (search: masterlist)

- n’jadaka’s helpful hands series-  @eerythingisshaka (scroll down page for masterlist)

- if ever there were angels series- @lesqui

-homewrecker series, grindin series, jp3 series- @shaekingshitup

- my king series- @justauthoring

- for you series- @marvellovegalore (scroll for marvel fanfiction)

- lady and the tramp series- @livingmybestfakelife (search masterlist)

- shae butter baby series- @nachtaiwrites (scroll for erik x reader)

- reckoning series, around the world and back series- @muse-of-mbaku (scroll for black panther mastersit)

- call out my name series, is it over? series- @oshaia (scroll for erikkillmonger)

- what you don’t do series- @wakandanblogger (scroll for erik killmonger x reader)

- i do care series- @cancerianprincess (scroll for erik x reader)

- havana series, snowball series, split part 1 (please read the whole series), drillmonger series, waiting in vain series- @erikismybitch (scroll page for updated masterlist you can’t miss it!)

-  heartbreak series- @artsninspo (scroll down for masterlist)

- sight series- @ghostfacekill-monger

- ember series part 1 ( do read the whole series-part of it is on her wattpad page @/nahimjustfeelingit-writes), the lagoon seiries, wet dreams series- @eye-raq (search: masterlist)

- kevin’s heart series, foot fetish headcanon (one-shot) series- @madamslayyy

- little girl series- @sweeter-thejuice (search: masterlist)

- oops series, east atlanta love letters series, loyal!erik blurg series- @another-imaginesblog

- spoiled series, thru the phone series- @princesskillmonger (scroll for erik killmonger imagine)

- blind date series- @cosmiceyegasms (scroll for cosmiceyegasms)

- dirt little secrets series,  @goddessofthundathighs (search: masterlist)

- loyalty series, changes series- @melaninmarvelgirl62

- sunsets series-  @mbakusprincess (search: masterlist)

- carried series- @ororowrites

- passenger seat series- @blackmissfrizzle

- a perfect crime series- @wikiwakanda (search: masterlist)

- my dope man series, the very best man series, home sweet home series (sequel to the very best man series), daddy time? series, go home erik series, coconut series, i love you king series, you don’t own me series-  @killmoncoochie (scroll for erik killmonger fic and coochiefic)

- a reward series-  @big-flop-energy- (scroll for leeleefic and

- hold your breath series- @njadont (scroll for erik x reader)

- leave a light on series- @mariamermaid (scroll for erik x reader)

- smoke and mirrors series (sequel is on her ao3-> madeline grey)- @lannisterkitty

- pray for me series- @thekrazykeke

- love galore series- @mbjslilthang

- bad at love series- @fandomnom

- the sweetest taste series- @wakandaforeverwrites

COMPLETED MBJ SERIES (I WILL BE ADDING INCOMPLETE FICS & (COMPLETED) ONESHOTS CAUSE THERE’S NOT A LOT OF COMPLETED ONES)

*=incomplete

*- pet peeve series (currently on wattpad)- @aspacefork

- life unexpected series*, midnight fm series*, you again series (with chadwick)*, hot girl summer (with chadwick), at the oscars (with chadwick), the reader wanting a bbl (with chadwick), honey love series (with chadwick)- @lady-love-and-glitter-roses

- loving her, need you by my side, busted, planning the future, false accusations, mesy, flirt, reconnect, can’t help myself, +2, instagram bae, hello mrs. jordan, dance for you-  @plussizeappreciationfics (scroll for michael b jordan x reader or michael b jordan x plus size reader)

- oooh...we got a house house?!, test, birthday fic, he was erik... (one shot for now)- @writerbee-ffs (scroll for michael b jordan x reader)

- comics are for nerds, unexpected surprise, sick times, it’ll be okay, love-  @running-on-fanfiction (search: michael b jordan)

- three times a charm?, late night shenanigans- @marvelouss-marvel

- split series (part 1) do read the series as a whole, just take both, nsfw- @erikismybitch

- red carpet tings- @mbjslilthang

- headcanons series- @atechnologicalmarvel (search: michael b. jordan)

-michael b jordan imagine where hes doing an interivew/red carpet thing and the person asks him where his gf is and not super into the hollywood life, michael and his gf get into a fights where she leaves and ends taking care of her, michael and his gf break up but still miss each other, michael and reader are dating and did a movie together and doing a cool photoshoot together, michael and you take your son to the black panther premiere and you annouces your pregnant again, imichael b jordan imagine where the reader is a famous singer and he goes to one of her concerts (she doesn’t know) and he surprises her backstage and they go out afterwards?, michael b jordan imagine where reader is a famous singer and she invites him to be in one of her music videos (where they play a couloe) and after the video they end up hooking up and start to like each other?- @fangirlfanwritings (search: michael b jordan)

- all mbj fics - @justimagaine (search: michael b jordan)

- imagine: joke, imagine: interview, having a puppy family would include...-@fandomnom (scroll for michael b. jordan)

- alphabet series (a is for arrest)*, soft kiss - @calif0rnia-lovers

*- beauty unit series- @mermaidchansons (search: michael b jordan)

- all mbj imagines- @celebrityyimaginees (scroll for michael b jordan x reader)

-nike air max 97, mornings- @teachallas (scroll for michael b jordan x reader)

- double trouble, movement, photo op, romcom tragedy-  @basickassandra (search: michael b jordan)

- molasses- @michaelbwriting

***IF I FORGOT ANYONE/STORIES FROM THOSE ALREADY LISTED PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! SOME WRITER WHO I WANTED TO INLCUDE HAVE LEFT SO I COULDN’T ADD THEM***

[paradiselostbythedashboardlight]

Quarantine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wrote 430,943 Words of Prose in a Year

As we are coming up terrifyingly fast on a full year of quarantine with no end to the pandemic yet in sight for most people, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the last year of my existence in a state that most people now refer to as quarantine. Since March of 2020, I, like most other sane people in my country, have stopped traveling, going to stores, seeing all but a limited group of other humans, and begun having recurring nightmares about being in crowds without a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth.

Suffice to say, it has been a bit stressful.

The other thing that I have done since COVID-19 began rapidly spreading across the globe last year is write over 430,943 words of fiction. 

The number seems insane to me still. That is (approximately) one Gone With The Wind, one entire Lord of the Rings series, or the first four Harry Potter books. That is still sadly not yet War and Peace (but who knows… the pandemic isn’t over yet).

So now that I am looking back, I find myself with one question: how did this happen? Why did I do this? What does this mean about my life this year?

Since apparently I answer best by writing a lot, let’s begin at the beginning. Let me tell you a story. I’ll keep it short, I swear.

Part 1: Blast From the Past

In March of 2020, I was still in the midst of an academic semester. There was a long academic document to write and a class to teach. However, as quarantine abruptly robbed me of most of my usual commitments, I was suddenly thrust into the position of having more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. Consequently, I decided to break out the Nintendo Switch I’d gotten for Christmas and revive a childhood interest in video games.

And boy did I. I played the games I owned for all they were worth. I played them during the evenings when I had no social engagements to attend. I played them during the Zoom meetings I was already struggling to pay attention to. By the end of March, I had finished one game, and it had set the wheels turning in my brain.

Here’s a fact about me: I don’t usually tend to write or read a lot of fanfiction about things that I consider really really good. Basically, fanfiction for me has always been an impulse born from incompletion or imperfection. I see no need to add to a perfect story (although I happily consume and create fanart). But for something enjoyable and yet slightly unsatisfying? That’s fanfic territory, bud.

So by April, I had developed a sort of epic fanfiction for this video game I was playing. It was one of those magnum opus kind of ideas, a grand retelling of the story with a huge sprawling plot and Themes (™). 

At first, it was merely a thought experiment that lived only in my head, a sort of entertainment to ponder in the hours before falling asleep. What changed? Well, a friend of mine decided to also write a fanfiction on the same video game and she kindly consented to let me read it.

Suddenly, I was ravenously hungry to read and to write and to share and to consume. I wrote a hundred thousand words of this fanfic in April and into early May, sending each chapter to my friend and being spurred onward by her kind comments. 

The fic became a gargantuan endeavor full of strange little challenges I set for myself. It was a canon-divergence, requiring plotting, worldbuilding, a darker and grimer tone. For some reason, I decided to write each chapter from a different character’s perspective, making the final product into a series of essentially short story character studies which together formed a plot.

By the end of May, the story was published for the world to see. It was well-received, although not particularly popular by fandom standards. And that was the end. I had gotten out my pandemic crazies, the semester was over and now I could move on. I had made my peace with the source material, plumbing all of the little details that I wanted to examine and creating a narrative that I found satisfying.

It was over.

Part 2: Summer Lovin?

Except that it wasn’t.

Confession: as I had been posting my giant fanfiction, I had also begun to explore the fan community itself, mostly curious to see some nice art and gather a bit of demographic info about what was popular within the community. As a result, I found a fanfic recommendations page. Among the recommendations was one author who kept popping up and i finally decided to give the fic a read.

Woah. It was good. Like, really good. Like, professional quality writing and themes that seemed designed to appeal to me. I devoured everything that the creator had posted in a week and then subscribed to eagerly wait for more.

As June rolled around, I realized that I had a problem on my hands. My great big gen masterpiece was finished, but this author had gotten me hooked on something else, something with a nefarious reputation online: shipping.

The term du jour for this seems to be “brain worms” so let’s just say that reading other fanworks had given me some brain worms. Inspired this time not just by the source material of the game, but now the fan community itself, my mind began to develop another idea.

I wrote the fic, about 11k, in a single afternoon of frantic writing. When I finished it, I knew it was one of my strongest pieces. It had just come together, a combination of all the thought that I’d been brewing up and a stylistic execution that just worked with the story I wanted to tell.

I posted it on a new account. Shipping seemed vaguely shameful to me still and my mom reads the other account.

To my surprise, the fic blew up. It got so much more attention than my long fic ever had. Even more significantly, a fan artist actually drew a gorgeous comic of the pivotal scene, completely out of the blue! I was essentially thunderstruck. Honestly, it was probably the first time in my life that I’d ever received so much positive reinforcement from a piece of writing.

While I’d written short stories for undergrad workshops, they’d never been particularly good and I’d never gotten particularly great feedback on them. I’d applied and been rejected by more MFAs and literary magazines than I could count. I’d pretty much resigned myself to writing for an audience of me and me alone (which I don’t mean to sound tragic about, writing for you is great and fun!)

But receiving so much support and praise and feeling like I’d made other people happy or sad or moved? There’s nothing better.

This makes my decision to write another fic for the ship sound vaguely cynical, the action of a person driven by an addiction to praise. I mean, no lie, aren’t we all a little addicted to approval?

But my next fic was another long one, an 80k passion project modern AU that I dreamed up while spending a slow summer alone with my books and only able to leave the house for long rambling walks in the woods. The premise was essentially about characters attending a five year college reunion, something that I myself had missed due to COVID in May of the same year. The fic quickly became a way for me to process thoughts on a lot of topics in my life ranging from relationships to politics to mental health to classical literature.

This fic was also received with far more attention than I was used to and, as a result, I finally joined the notorious Twitter dot com where I found people talking about my fic unprompted, eager to follow me and like my every random thought.

I can’t say that this process was not without its ups and downs. Fandom has changed, in many ways for the better, since my last engagement with it during the 2013 Supernatural days on Tumblr. While fan friendships are often idealized or demonized, they are pretty much like any other human friendship (okay, maybe a little bit more horny on main). There is potential for amazing connection as well as pettiness. But in a year where many people suddenly had no social spaces that were safe anymore, I’m glad that I found a new line of communication with the world.  

So I kept writing fics for the ship, producing a lot of work that I am genuinely proud of and making connections with other people who enjoyed it enough to leave a comment.

To conclude this section, I was in fandom again. While I had not seriously engaged with a fan community since around 2014, I was back with a vengeance. And I had discovered an important truth about what unlocked my ability to write more than I ever had before: community support.

Not simply the kudos and the views. It was the comments. The discourse. The discussion. To add and contribute my thoughts and ideas to a greater network of thoughts and ideas that fed off of one another.

Often I had seen people complain about there not being enough fanworks for particular media or characters. Now I knew the secret. The comments and the community created the works. If I commented on other people’s fics, the more likely they were to write more. I made a resolution I have tried to keep, to comment on any story that I legitimately enjoyed reading, even if I had no particularly intelligent thing to say about it.

Part 3: A Novel Idea

By late October, I had produced a considering oeuvre for my ship of choice and was enjoying slowing my pace as I planned a few future projects.

Remember, though, how I mentioned not having engaged with fandom for the past 5 years? Well, that didn’t mean I hadn’t been writing.

For the past 4 years, I have won NaNoWriMo and completed 4 novels of over 100k each in length. These projects have been massively fun and improved my confidence with executing stories at the scope that I desire.

And so in November 2020, I settled down to write another novel. November is always a sort of terrible time write a novel if you work in academia, but this year, I had more time than usual. I set out to write a comedy fantasy novel, something mostly lighthearted and full of hijinks in order to pretend away some of the quarantine blues (which by this point were well established in my psyche).

This year in particular, I was reminded that writing a novel is… harder than fanfic. That seems like a very obvious point, but I’d written novels before. Suddenly, though, I was realizing how much a novel requires you to set up the world and the characters, while fanfic can be pretty much all payoff all the time.

While the fanfic flowed in wild creative bursts of energy, the novel required diligence of another sort. I wrote 2,000 words every day for two months. It was a grind. Sometimes, it was a slog. 

And sometimes it just wasn't good. The thing about writing your own novels is that the first draft is way more likely to be not good. You’re balancing a lot and it’s easy to let a few balls that you have in the air drop for a chapter or two, with no recourse but to go back and edit later.

I finished the novel by writing a final speedrun of 6k on new years eve, ending my 2020 with another project under my belt. No one has read it. Not even I have reread it.

I’m still glad that I wrote it. I’ll write another one next year. No one will read that one either.

Sometimes, we write for ourselves and no external validation is necessary.

Part 4: Where are they now?

January of 2021 is somehow now behind me, which is terrifying. I’m still writing. Mostly fanfic, although occasionally I go doodle around with some original ideas that are more conceptual sketches for the next novel.

As for the fanfic, I think I still have a few more good ideas left in me, but  I will probably leave it behind before the year is out. That feels a little bittersweet, a sort of temporary burst of fun and friendship that I wonder if I’ll ever experience again.

Coming to the end of this reflection, I suppose I should make a summative statement about what it all means.

In the end, it might not mean a lot. There are some small takeaways. 

It turns out that encouragement makes you write more! Who knew? Also, more free time makes you write more! Wow!!!!

The point that I think this reflection exercise has shown me, the point that I think matters more than any other, is that writing is a way to process my thoughts. Even if it is through the lens of ridiculous video game fanfic or novels about sad wizards, my writing is my way to make sense of my own mind. 

And sharing that is special. If you share it with online strangers, with your family on Christmas Eve, with your close friend who has become even closer and dearer to you since she let you read her work, or just with your mom (the one personal legally required to read your damn novel if you want to share it). To share writing is to give someone a little peek at your beliefs about the world.

And right now? When we’re still isolated and bored and scared and in desperate need of distraction? Binge some TV, play Nintendo, read a book. Take in other people’s thoughts.

But put down your own somewhere as well. It’s a conversation.

And for once, it’s a conversation that doesn’t have to take place on fucking Zoom.

[ourkarlanicoleuniverse]

Sweet Nothing (MHA Staff AU Fanfiction

Chapter 6

Warnings: None, swf. 

"Maybe you should go back to California for when you're a pro." My eyes met with bright blue ones.

"Why would I do that? I like it here." I stared out at the city skyline in the sunset.

"I don't know. I figured it would be better for you if you go back for a little while and actually have good memories in the U.S." The blue-haired boy wasn't smiling like he usually did, "I just don't want you to stay here because you feel secure here. What happened to you shouldn't make you afraid to go back." He gave out a small chuckle and then wrapped his arm around me, "Plus, it's not like I'm telling you to stay over there forever. We have a plan to have our own agency with Yamada and Aizawa, remember?"

I gave a sad smile, genuinely thinking about the proposal, "I don't know. I have family out in California, but they never really contacted me. Only my cousin. I have a family here now; I can't just leave that."

"We're always going to be there for you. Even if we're a whole ocean away. Our group was incomplete until you came. We're not going to let you go." He went to pinch my cheeks, "You're like my little sister, I refuse to leave you alone."

I refuse to leave you alone.

"Mai?" a voice brought me out of my thoughts. I shouldn't be spaced out in this meeting. I looked over at Hound Dog and Nezu. "Are you okay?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, just tired from helping Aizawa settle into his place yesterday." I smiled sheepishly. "Did you need me to go over the plan again or..."

Nezu spoke up, "I do think we need to amp up this program after the USJ attack. So I'll give you, Hound Dog, and Ms. Rowell the green light to start." He gave an excited smile and took a sip out of his tea. "We need to be prepared for more villain infiltrations, so definitely starting with security, and the mental health program are major priorities."

"I'll have a meeting with some of the other teachers to come up with a good way to beef up security." Hound Dog suggested.

"Maybe hire an agency to make rotations? Maybe the Fatgum agency? Taishiro would be more than happy to help out; I'm sure if Ms. Iris and I ask him, he'll say yes." I spoke up.

"I don't see why not. Why not ask Ingenium for help too? Doesn't he have a sector here?" Hound Dog wrote down a few notes on his tablet.

"I wouldn't feel comfortable asking since Tenya Iida is his younger brother. It would feel unprofessional and put a student in potential danger if villains found out." I bit my lip. I didn't want the students to be targeted. We barely found out that the villains were out for All Might, so it's going to be hard to avoid more attacks as long as he stays. "Speaking about the students, are we still going to go through the Sports Festival? I don't feel that it's appropriate."

Hound Dog looked at me like I had just shot a puppy. Nezu, on the other hand, kept a calm composure. "I have no plans to cancel the Sports Festival."

"Why not?" I tried to hold in my disdain.

"I felt that the students should be able to enjoy the normal events that would happen if we weren't attacked. Plus, it's best to show that we were unbothered." I looked over to Hound Dog, and he just gave me a knowing look.

"The Sports Festival is broadcasted all over Japan, and we're in a bad position as a school." I interjected.

"Yes, but the Sports Festival is the best option for students to use their quirks and be potentially scouted by a pro." Nezu continued to be calm, but my patience was growing thin.

"Or potentially a villain." I raised my brow at him.

"I know, given your history, you take the student's safety seriously. I do, as well. But the Sports Festival is an opportunity to give people a place to feel collective and hopeful that it was just a one-time thing, while us staff members and the police investigate." Nezu took another sip, "It would be unfair to the people to take that away from them and let them live in fear."

"I don't think it's a good idea. But then again, I'm not in charge of the school. So I guess my opinion doesn't really matter." I grumbled. I hate acting like a child, but honestly, I was a little annoyed that he didn't want to cancel the festival despite knowing that I am in the right to be concerned.

"Don't you start giving me that attitude of yours? You know I thought about every possible outcome before making a decision." He lightly slammed the desk with his paws. "Now, I will let you and Dog Hound ask your connections about security, and you and the other counselors should meet up with your students as they prepare for the festival. Understood?"

I simply bit my tongue and nodded as the mouse stared me down.... Er... more like up at me. And with that, the meeting was over, and Nezu made his way out to his private office, leaving Ryo and me in the meeting room. "Why didn't you warn me before the meeting to not mention the Sports Festival?"

"Honestly, I thought Nezu already told you." He said, throwing his bag over his shoulder.

"He probably didn't because he wanted to avoid seeing me mad." I sighed and threw my bag over my shoulder this time. "Well, at least everything else he agreed with. Just wish that he wouldn't be exposing the students that much right now." I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"Have you had any sessions with your kids since the incident?"

"I had them email me if they had any concerns, and despite how severe they were, I made a call and spoke over the phone with them. But mostly all my kids were focused on Aizawa and Thirteen. If anything, I'll make in-person appointments to meet with them this week in case they left things out in the emails and calls."

"I saw Aizawa is back despite not being fully healed." She gave me a slight judgmental but a not so surprised look.

"We literally argued for a whole week about him coming back to work. So don't get me started with him." I sounded exhausted. But I didn't know why I was so tired and restless. I feel like I haven't done much to elicit this.

"Awe trouble in paradise for Dadzawa and Momtoya?" He smirked and wiggled her brows.

"Damn, is everyone calling us that now?"

"Yep, especially since you guys are temporarily living together because you agreed to take care of him."

"It was for my students. They wanted updates, so we made a group chat. Aizawa doesn't know about it, though."

"Why?"

"Well, I figured it would be the best way to communicate with them. It's through one of these school apps, so it's not breaking any boundaries."

"I meant why not tell Aizawa." He pressed on a little.

"Oh, because we make jokes about him on the chat sometimes. Plus, he would just make fun of me for wanting to be buddy-buddy with the class."

"I think it's endearing." He gave me a little pat on the back.

"That's what I thought! I recommended that all the counselors do it." I let a quiet shriek in excitement. "With the permission of parents, you know? Since despite it being their school email, the parents need to know about staff connections to students." I scratched the back of my neck. I really need to stop with this scratching habit of mine when I get awkward or nervous. "Anyways, I have to get back to my desk and start emailing the whole department about the meeting. And then I'm going to go check on Aizawa and Class 1-A, hoping neither of them is tiring each other out."

I was about to walk away and split from Ryo when I ran into Kayama and stopped me for a quick second. "Do you mind hanging out with me later after work? I have something to get off my chest, and I would like to get your perspective."

I hugged my tablet, "Um... I have to watch Aizawa... But I'm sure once I get him down for a nap, you can come over for tea or something, and we can talk. I'll just give him a heads up."

I gave her a reassuring smile, which she returned. "Okay, cool. I'm glad to hear that. Just keep me updated if anything changes."

"Yeah, no problem, Nemuri." I patted her shoulder and made my way to the lounge as she rushed to go teach Hero Art History to Class 1-A.

I opened the lounge door—literally, no one. Not even Toshinori was here. Well, I guess I can actually get work done before I go to class. "So, I guess you and Montoya are actually getting situated nicely for now." Never mind.

I look up from my desk to see Snipe and Aizawa walking in together while Midnight took her shift to teach Class 1-A. Aizawa socializing? That's good for him. Maybe it's because they're colleagues. "Oh, speak of the woman herself." Snipe waved over at me and walked into my direction. Aizawa just looked annoyed and limped over to his desk that was diagonal to mine. "How are you doing, love?" He leaned down to hug me.

"I'm good. I just had a meeting with our lovely boss. I might've upset him, though." I squeezed her hands tight around me.

"Why do you think that?" It was hard to detect his face because of his mask, but his voice sounded curious, and his head slightly fell to the side.

"I told him that he would be endangering the students if he still held the Sports Festival, and he got defensive. I felt like a child." I grumbled.

"Well, that's just how Nezu is."

"We're you and Aizawa just talking?" I nodded over to the mummy man.

"Oh yeah, we were just making conversation about the students, and we were talking about the new counseling department. And then we were talking about how you two have been adjusting to your current living situation." And in queue, Aizawa looked over at us.

I gave Snipe a little smirk, "Well, I hope nothing bad was said on my part."

"All I said was that you were annoying me with all your pestering." He shook his head. Something was off about him. Normally he didn't feel the need to explain himself. Was he worried about me thinking he talked bad about me? "The kids keep asking about when you're stopping by. Don't tell them that you're in my apartment until Recovery Girl finishes healing me up. I don't want them getting ideas."

"Oh yeah, he mentioned that a couple of times." Snipe chuckled and stared a little too long at Aizawa and me. I wonder what's that about...

"Too bad, Ashido already found out when she saw that I was packing a suitcase during my video session with her. So most likely they already know, they just don't want you to know that." I smirked.

"Yeah, they really like keeping things from me. That's why they told me about the group chat you have with the class." He flatly spoke. "Isn't that a little unprofessional?"

"Everyone that I told thought it was cute. And the parents were more than happy with knowing that their kids' counselor was available to them at all times." I got up from my seat to grab a chair for Snipe and some coffee. I can only guess that he was amused at the banter as he silently watched us.

"Who is everyone?" He said, eyeing up my coffee. So I gave him his own cup and Snipe water.

"Kayama, Lily, Iris... Oh, and Vlad." I smiled brightly. "Actually, Vlad said that it was adorable how close I am with the students and was glad to hear that I was adjusting well to my job here." I took a sip of my coffee while analyzing Aizawa's demeanor. He looked a little tense and uncomfortable. I assumed it was from his injuries and the new bandages I helped Recovery Girl put on. He was so readable yet still a mystery because there was something hidden behind his eyes that I couldn't quite uncover.

"Well, maybe you should add me to the chat since I am their homeroom teacher." He said as he took a sip from his coffee. That's surprising; he wants to be more engaged with the students on a personal level?

I quickly agreed and decided not to question him about it. Then I gave him a quick explanation about Kayama wanting to come over, and he just said sure, not giving it much thought. Afterward, I gave my attention back to Snipe, who was still casually looking at Aizawa. "Snipe?"

"Hm? Did you say something?" Snipe looked towards me; I guess he spaced out.

"No." I went back to my seat. "I have a few things to work on and give to the other counselors, so is there anything you want me to keep in mind when it comes to the students?"

Snipe slowly rose from his seat and made his way over to his desk, "No, not really. I think you and Eraser have everything under control. I'll be over here, don't want to distract you. I could always talk to you later." I just nodded and put my earphones in as Aizawa looked between the two of us awkwardly.

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I was in the middle of finishing up the files I had to finish for my colleagues when there was a knock and a small voice at the door of the lounge, "Excuse me, Mr. Aizawa, Mr. Snipe? Is Ms. Montoya here? I need to speak with her?' It was Izuku Midoriya.

"I'm over here, Midoriya. What do you need to talk to me about?" I swiveled in my chair.

"It's kind of private." He rubbed his hands together nervously. His eyes were bugged out and filled with anxiety. "It involves my quirk. I'm sorry if you are busy, I knew I should've made an appointment. I'm sorry for being an inconvenience. I'll just come back later."

The boy was about the run out when I stopped him, "Woah there, I wasn't that busy; there's no need to be apologetic." I got up and smoothed out my clothes, and walked over to him. "Let's go take a walk and talk, does that sound good?" The green-eyed boy nodded and followed me out of the lounge.

"I love how she's really dedicated to the students." I heard Snipe say to Aizawa as I left.

"Yeah, she's really good at her job." I couldn't help but smile a little at the compliment. "She sucks as a caretaker, though." Damn it, Sho.

I turned my attention back to Midoriya as we quietly walked through the halls. "So, what was concerning you about your quirk?"

"I know, you know about One for All." His voice was shaking, then he looked me in the eyes, "I want you to tell me your connections to All Might. He doesn't tell me anything but you being an intern of his before going to the U.S."

"Well, there isn't much to tell..." I bit my inner cheek. I kind of don't know what exactly I could tell him.

"I just want to know how he was when he was your mentor and if you could help me better understand the quirk One for All." The boy pleaded.

"Oh... well then..." This is going to be a long story.

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My master list 😊

Tag list: 

@inumorph @thatgirlwithcamera @mel-sanch

[apptowonder]

On the Inherent Chaotic Queer Energy of “Cats” (No, Really)

In Which the Author Relates His Early Affinity For the Musical Cats, And Meditates in Rapt Contemplation On Its Effect On His Own Queer Coming of Age.

Ok, I’ll drop the Eliotian/Victorian pretense. But in all seriousness, this is going to be a long ramble on the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats, because I saw the recording of the 1998 Broadway performance again for the first time in probably 14 years and it made me Feel Feelings (tm). Plus a comrade of mine expressed similar enthusiasm and it inspired me.

I -- First Viewing

When I was 10 or 11 years old, for a brief period after seeing Cats for the first time at a local dinner theater production, I was enamored in ways I couldn’t put into words. I was not, and have not really ever been a theater queer. I did a few plays up through high school, and stopped doing theater in college when I lost interest and found out it would take time away from gospel choir. But there was something about the way these characters moved, the charisma they carried themselves with that stuck with me. Unlike some of my queer friends, I don’t have the sense that “I always knew” I liked boys as well as other genders. As a tween, I felt very aloof from romantic interest except for one long-lasting crush on a girl in 5th grade that lasted through middle school. But as I continue to look back, I do think I felt a certain stirring in my gut for certain charismatic male figures, almost like an imprinting. Early affection and crushes manifested in a desire to be like the attractive heroes I admired.

I wanted to be Mr Mistofelees, the Original Conjuring Cat. I also wanted to be Munkustrap, the unassuming but brave and suave narrator, unofficial leader of the Jellicle Tribe. Honorable mention goes to the Rum Tum Tugger, whose rock star persona definitely exudes bi energy, but he felt less approachable to me. In any case, though I didn’t realize it at the time, something was very queer about these cats.

II -- On the Naming of Cats -- Munkustrap

Why I felt drawn to this character is hard to sum up. He doesn’t have his own song, his name is only listed in the program. But he does have considerable stage time. Serving as the narrator and Master of Ceremonies for the Jellicle Ball, right-hand man to Old Deuteronomy, and the only cat willing to go toe to toe with Macavity, he had a certain gravitas that I found compelling. He is humble, as I strive to be. Caring and protective of his family, but not overly aggressive. Confident, but not overbearing. He seemed that he would be the perfect gentle lover, someone who could take you to new and unexpected places but would also make sure that you were safe and loved. 

On a deeper level, perhaps my identifying with this character was a kind of rehearsal for the years to come. Munkustrap served as both the boy I wanted to meet and the boy I wanted to be. When I came out and became invested in queer community and queer Christian community especially, I found myself slowly falling into the role of psychopomp and threshold guardian for some of my gayby Christian friends who were either newly coming out or newly trying to reconcile their faith and sexuality. I would direct them to apologetics resources, but I think my greater strength was in being a kind of MC who would invite them into a new queer reality, a celebration of the richness of life and a vision of the vastness of both theology and queer vibrancy. In a sense, I invited them to a Jellicle ball.* I would invite them to dance beneath the moon of our shared experience, and show to them that far from being incomplete or broken, they had their own power and beauty, were possessed of “Terpsichorean powers” which would serve as a mysterious gift to the wider world.

The first boy I dated was a Munkustrap. Gentle, but fun-loving. Willing to meet me where I was, but also encouraging me to new heights of intimacy, feeling and adventure. Though we eventually parted ways, we remained good friends, and I will be forever grateful to him for leading me from an abstract appreciation of my queerness to a deeply embodied possession of it that I can now live out for the glory of God and the good of humanity, like a cat has a deep embodied possession of its third and secret name.

III -- On the Naming of Cats -- Mr. Mistoffelees

“Oh, well I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees?”

Coming in at the eleventh hour to save the day, Mr. Mistoffelees employs his magical powers to rescue Old Deuteronomy when all other help fails. In the production I saw, he literally flies down onto the stage (on a wire) and proceeds to produce phantasmagorical phenomena and easily conjures up the kidnapped patriarch of the Jellicle Tribe from the place he’s been sequestered. He is flashy, elegant, flamboyant, coy, “aloof” but always fun-loving. Perhaps more importantly, in all the performances I’ve seen, he seems elegantly attuned to some deeper sixth sense. Beneath the playful surface is a deep power that manifests in impressive ways. The show relays his power through the metaphor of stage magic, but to me he also seemed to have a touch of something mystical, spiritual. I felt both awe and affection for that sensitive attunement, and how it was packaged in such a playful personality.

In my own life as queer clergy, I have sought to develop that kind of attunement. Though spirituality is a bit slower and more messy than conjuring, I have received compliments from colleagues queer and straight that I often speak the exact right prayer for the needs of a given moment. I write poems and try to breathe new life into the life-giving stories of my spiritual tradition, my life and the lives of my queer tribes. I’m always eager to come up with an impromptu liturgical service when circumstance dictates, and I draw on vocabulary from the saints and mystics as well as my own love of language and poetry. Playfulness is, to me, a spiritual virtue, and I love to offer inspiring surprises from the depths of the wisdom I have inherited from those who have gone before. When friends (especially queer Christian friends) are stuck in demoralizing binaries and limited horizons of purity culture, toxic theology, or other spiritual burdens, I will often pull a shimmering anecdote from the lives of the saints, or an ancient word of curiosity that opens up a new way of seeing the world. In a way, I’m pulling kittens out of hats. 

Ironically but also fittingly, when I kept my queerness under wraps, my poetry was vivid but strained. Overwrought, often melancholy but rarely insightful. And I would pray when someone asked me to, but it generally consisted of generic requests that didn’t really mean much to me. I had to become fabulous and be willing to be in touch with the queer wonder of both my loves and my experiences before I began to really tap into that spiritual current that I am still learning how to channel for the life of the world. I’m still a beginner, and in my day to day life I’m fairly quiet and introspective. Aloof, perhaps. But I feel that my openness to queer joy, queer eros and queer vibrancy have begun to throw open a way to my own wholeness and the invigorating and revival of many of my communities. I don’t do this alone, and I am still learning from my many queer elders and forerunners. As I study and practice and bring forth vision, I continue to learn “from Mr. Mistofelees’ conjuring turn.”

At Pride a year or two ago, I met a Mr. Mistofelees of sorts. A pagan boy, playful and flashy, with a golden voice. He ended up being a bit too flighty for me, but he helped me find a bit more of my flamboyant side by getting me to do karaoke, and introducing me to the queer night life in a new city. In our own separate ways, we both helped each other I think be deeper attuned to that electric queer energy that flows into creativity, presence, wonder and resilience like lightning flows from Mistofelees’ fingertips. We pranced about our respective stages and conjured beauty for one another.

IV -- Memory (Some Thoughts on the Queerness of the Musical, and Some Final Reflections)

And what of the musical as a whole. What is it about Cats that struck such a chord with my very young queer self, and still does?

To me, it has an energy to it that resonates very deeply with queer experience. It delights in elevated pageantry, but it takes its own internal logic and way of being seriously. There is something about the mystery and spectacle of it that feels like a queer way of being. Despite the charge leveled against us by demagogues and queerphobes that we’re simply decadent, queer experience to me has always been about experiencing a heightened sense of reality, be that in adventure, sensuality, joy, beauty, celebration or pleasure. As the meme goes, before you say we’re too much, ask yourself, are you even enough?

Furthermore, the show is sensual and embodied in a way that many more conventional Broadway musicals aren’t. It delights in being just a little bit bawdy, while at the same time showcasing an excellence in the choreography and visuals that requires a good deal of skill and physical effort. In coming out and coming to know queer community, I began to listen better to my body and to be more comfortable in my own skin. To delight in the magic of touch and sensory beauty.

Finally, the sensuousness that undergirds the show also displays a very free flowing romantic and affectional subtext between different characters. Two cats may flirt or make eyes at each other, but there’s no expectation that they might not also catch the eye of a completely different cat in the next scene. They perform with a subtle erotic undertone that suggests both tenderness and hedonism, but all in the context of a tight-knit community that cares for its own. The fanfiction community for Cats presents a rainbow of different romantic pairings for various characters, and the lack of consensus as to which ones are “canon” speaks to the show’s affectational fluidity and dynamism.

In the end, the Jellicle cats all present a world within the everyday that is deeply queer and fluid, a “thin space” where personalities are larger than life and anything is possible. In this gay and mystifying romp, I was moved to a consideration in the years since I saw it of my own “secret names” as a future queer seminarian and priest (though I didn’t know it then). While it may seem bewildering to some, I continue to cherish it as a tribute to the great mysteries of queer existence, love and community. And that’s how you address us cats.

*Props to my comrade for extending on and fleshing out this metaphor in his blog post.

[seyaryminamoto]

I've been browsing your blog for Sokkla research as I feel like it has similarities to what I'm trying to write with Azula and Soren. I haven't begun tackling Gladiator yet, as it looks a little daunting, but I feel I should since I keep hearing so much. I am a little hesitant over accidentally using anything you wrote for my own story. I'd be proud if I could make it as long and epic as yours. It's very personal to me. What motivated you to write Gladiator and keep writing for so long?

Yeah, I saw your post about your crossover ship having potential similarities with Sokkla and I agree that it would, since Soren shares a few traits with Sokka, character-wise. Admittedly, Azula interacting with a character like Soren would present quite a lot of fun possibilities, so it seems to be an idea worth exploring :)

As for reading Gladiator and accidentally using similar tropes… well, I don’t know if it will ease your mind much, but there are several tropes that I’ve run into in many Sokkla fics, mine, other people’s, just… lots of them xD and it’s not really a problem. Storytelling can lead to similar places, but usually, every writer handles their tropes and character development differently.

My plan for a certain, poignant scene in Gladiator’s 96th chapter was set in stone in my head back when I started plotting the fic (like I said in that ask I answered yesterday). The scene in question is one I depicted in some artworks for Gladiator’s second anniversary: Sokka defeats Azula in combat for the first time, pins her down, aims his sword at her, and they just stare at each other before things take a pretty heated twist...

A few months after planning this, I read another fic where practically the same thing happened between them (it’s a Spanish fic, I hadn’t tried reading it yet because it was incomplete, sometimes I still scold the writer in question for never finishing it), only, rather than it happening when they could no longer resist the attraction between them, it happened when they were barely getting to know each other: Azula followed Sokka into a forest clearing, where he was training on his own. Upon noticing someone was hiding in the bushes, he leaps at her and pins her down, aiming his sword at her as well. Of course, he freaks out upon realizing it’s her, she isn’t very happy, and no heated things happen other than a lot of blushing, especially on her part xD

So, as you can see, even if the trope is “Sokka holds Azula down, at swordpoint”, the context was entirely different, the outcome was completely different and heck, the wording and even language we used was 100% different.  I came up with the idea for Gladiator before reading Majesty, later on I found out that someone had written a very similar scene already (and it was a close associate of mine, no less xD). As much as I didn’t feel like I was all that original anymore… I didn’t change my plans because of that. As long as I didn’t pull a Cassandra Clare and copy-pasted the whole scene my friend wrote into Gladiator, where was the harm in trying my own hand at it? I wrote the tropey situation in my own way, with my own words, and it’s completely my own thing.

There was something else that happened with Gladiator, another friend read it and thought I was taking inspiration for my portrayal of Sokka and Azula from a couple in a TV show she loved. Turns out I’d heard about the show, but I hadn’t watched it until she nudged me enough to do it (no regrets!), and after watching it I understood where the similarities were, but the context was all different. More than that, a certain situation (Sokka admitting his love for Azula for the first time, she asks him to say it again) was close enough to what happened between the main couple in said TV show…

… But I actually had been inspired by another couple, in ANOTHER TV show, that had a slightly similar exchange too xD

Therefore, tropes are tropes. I’ve recycled so many tropes in so many things I’ve written that people could probably psychoanalyze me and figure out all my brain chemistry damn easily if they did. I tend to have a very particular structure when writing, too (the original story I wrote and finished had 3 parts, Gladiator has 3 parts too, to name the most superficial similarity only), and I’ve frequently explored similar topics in them. It’s hardly a crime to do it again, but as long as you do it in a unique way, there’d be no harm in testing how some tropes would turn out with Soren and Azula. It could be worrisome if you portrayed Soren reacting to events exactly the same way Sokka does, but that’s not very likely to happen. As similar as they can be, they’re also different in several ways and in the post where you compared them you seemed to see those differences pretty clearly.

Therefore, I don’t think there’s any real harm in trying your hand at certain tropes and situations. If the context is different, if there’s logic to what you’re writing, and of course, as long as you write it yourself, there’s absolutely no need to worry about repeating things other people have done before.

That being said, don’t feel pressured to read Gladiator at all. I’m glad people have recommended it, but I understand if it feels not only daunting but that maybe you won’t be sure what to write if you see all the stuff I’ve done so far. Gladiator is many things, and one of them is my playground for testing Sokka and Azula’s relationship in just about every way I can xD it’s so long that I’ve been free to play with all sorts of possibilities with them, to fulfill all my shippiest wishes for these two. Therefore, if you’d rather be true to your own ideas and not get too influenced by it, it’s absolutely understandable not to read it until you feel comfortable about giving it a shot (presumably, once you’ve plotted plenty of own story and feel like you won’t be at risk of taking too much inspiration from it).

As for what motivates me… well, I guess there were many factors. One of them is that Gladiator was an idea worth digging into, with so much to explore that I was completely overwhelmed by the possibilities and I got completely caught up in it. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted the story to exist, so I decided I needed to make it happen. As it’s practically a full re-write of ATLA’s storyline, I had a chance to just… handle everything on my terms. And that meant the developments I didn’t like from the show could change: I could improve on things I thought needed improvements, I could add things that I felt the show needed, and so on and so forth. There were nearly no limits, really, and as I was absolutely lost in the beauty and glory of my OTP, I couldn’t help myself and I decided to dive right in.

It helps a lot that Gladiator’s kind of a multi-faceted thing: as I’ve been developing my art too, whenever I was bored in class I’d sketch things related to it and then, if I had a chance and the sketch was good enough, I’d finish the art digitally later. I have a lot of music that inspires me, so sometimes I just sit down, listen to it, and I let myself evoke scenes that I want to write or draw. Fact is, the whole fifth anniversary project was a mix of art and music: the songs that inspired many arcs of Part 1, along with images that referenced them.

Lastly, though… I generally know where Gladiator’s going, so I don’t usually reach a point where I’m like “Woah I have zero plans for what to do next”. I plot things for the story whenever I have nothing to do (when I’m traveling places, when I’m showering, when I’m waiting for something? Just, whenever, wherever). If an arc isn’t shaping up to be particularly fun, I try to figure out what to do to make it more interesting and appealing for me to write. Whenever I come up with something I’m hyped about writing, it helps me keep on writing until I get there. Sometimes that’s also a curse because I go overboard and write like… 12K in a single day because I am that hyped about whatever I’m doing :’D happened a couple of weeks ago xD

Anyways, always try to fulfill your own needs with your story, first and foremost. Sometimes your public won’t be 100% receptive to your ideas, but sometimes they’ll actually want exactly what you’re putting out there for them. The magic of fanfiction is that, if someone doesn’t like what they’re getting, there’s absolutely nothing to stop them from taking to writing a story they do want, right? So, why should we try to please other people instead of writing what we’d want to read?

Make your story something you can revisit and smile about, make your story something you can find value in, regardless of whoever tries to undermine it. Make it yours, make it everything you want it to be. Want humor? Set up humorous situations (I mean, your lead couple would be Azula and Soren, humor’s basically guaranteed xD). Want tragedy and angst? You can have it too. You really can do anything, as long as you make up your mind to get it done. Figure out what it really is you want to write, the key scenes, the development you’re looking for with your main characters, come up with plans on how to get them where you need them to be, and once you feel you’re in solid grounds for it, feel free to start writing and always keep on looking forward to the big things you’ve wanted to write for your fic.