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terror-slut · 5 years ago

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Food For Thought

Something quite smutty I wrote a few months ago and originally posted on AO3. It's quite a long read, but I thought I might as well post it on here.

Pennywise x reader, Bob Gray x reader.

Genre: smut, horror

word count: 4578

Teeth. Rows and rows of sharp, pointy teeth piercing her neck then, taking root in the thrumming jugular vein in her neck. It burns, it burns so fucking bad that she’s surprised the intense pain hasn’t taken it’s inevitable toll on her yet, although she questions if perhaps her mind is trying to separate itself from her body. Somehow, she’s still aware of her surroundings, although everything appears hazy. Around her, everything is spinning, spinning, spinning as if she has just gotten off a fast whirling carousel after eating one too many cotton candies.

Her head swims, not able to rationalize a thought that makes sense, or any thoughts at all. The blinding pain is so extreme, resembling the feeling of a thousand needles stabbed into her skin without a care or a goal, agonizingly slow and painfully breaking the skin apart to expose little streams of warm blood that puddle together at her feet.

She wants to let out a noise, any noise. Her mind screams at her to call for help, be smart, use the vocal cords mother nature blessed her with. Instead, all that leaves her now iron tasting, blood filled mouth is the last soft, dying gurgle of a defeated prey.

Her body is covered in a soft film of sweat when she wakes, barely registering her unaware, still very much asleep husband that lies next to her. Her heart races, adrenaline coursing through her on edge body as she attempts at steadying her ragged, uneven breath. The clean, white sheets are bundled up at the foot of the bed, odds-on kicked off by her at the pinnacle of her nightmare. A shaky sigh leaves her lips as she runs her clammy hand through the sweat soaked strands of her hair.

The same reoccurring nightmare has been terrorizing her for the past 7 days, getting worse and worse, feeling more realistic each time it enters her mind. The bags under her eyes now have a purple hue to them due to the lack of sleep she has been getting. Truth of the matter is, she has been too frightened of going to sleep at night, doing as much as avoiding it entirely. There was enough housework to keep her busy, and that was even after she had been done going through about every single file she could probably prepare for upcoming work meetings.

Her husband, Michael, had laughed at her silly avoidance behavior, telling her that steering clear of such a silly thing as a simple nightmare would only make it worse. And so, with Michael’s scornful words ringing in her ears, she decided to give sleep one more chance. A decision which she deeply regretted by now.

Beside her, the man in question is still peacefully asleep, unaware of the horrors playing through his wife’s mind. Wobbly legs swing over the side of their shared bed, eyeballing additional crescent, nail shaped imprints on her legs in the soft shine of the moonlight invitingly streaming through the opened window. Another sigh falls of her parched lips, this time more in annoyance than in an attempt at calming herself down. She has the habit of attempting to fight off the monster who’s teeth claim her neck nightly, except, in the real world, no one is there, which only results in her accidentally marking up her own skin while asleep. Still, it is freaky how many scratches are carved into her skin by now. It’s hard to believe she has done them all in the span of just a week. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think…

But now she is just scaring herself. Monsters don’t exist and she wasn’t a child any longer, she had long passed the age of believing in anything supernatural or evil.

Slowly, her uncovered feet connect with the cold linoleum tiles, carefully tiptoeing over to the bathroom Michael and her shared. Before locking the fake silver handled door, she flicks the light switch on and scans the bathroom in its entirety, something she hasn’t done since she was a teenager. she carried her childhood fears with her for quite a while longer than just her childhood, but eventually, she had grown out of them. Something that seems irrelevant to the reoccurring nightmare.

Come on, she tells herself as she sits down on the toilet seat with shaky hands, how old are you again? Old enough to be married. Old enough to have a degree and a job. Old enough for her mother to start asking for grandchildren. Way too old to be scared over puerile, meaningless nightmares.

Once the toilet is flushed, and with them, hopefully her fears – something her mother had taught her a long time ago; after a bad dream, you flush the toilet and down the drain goes the nightmare – her tired eyes find their reflection in the bathroom mirror. She washes her hands, slow but thorough, the water washing away the remnants of foolish dread.

Maybe she should paint the town red again, it suddenly hits her. The thought of going out was something that hadn’t occurred to her in quite a while, but maybe a sloppy, rough fuck from a complete stranger in an unfamiliar setting would be exactly what it would take to get her mind off of things.

And so, at quarter to one in the middle of the night, a young woman in a skin tight dress tiptoes out of the half empty apartment, her husband left soundlessly asleep, blissfully unaware of his wife’s infidelity. The door softly falls in the lock behind her and the warmth of the lingering summer air hits her face in a comforting way, as if to tell her ‘don’t worry. He won’t find out. He’s never found out before.’

The empty asphalt is silent under the roaring Audi, and her ringless finger – she’s not stupid enough to wear her wedding ring on a night like this – flicks through the similar sounding radio stations, silently pondering if it was worth going to The Sitting Duck, a bar on the outskirts of Derry. Derry was a small town, mostly consisting out of elderly. Anyone with a future had left the dying excuse of a town long ago.

In her mind, in theory, she knew she should feel guilty about cheating on the man whom she pledged faithfulness to in front of the alter, but she could not muster up the strength to actually be guilt ridden. She loves Michael, she does. But a girl has needs, and love won’t fill up those lust crazed, empty holes.

When she spots him – him and the balding 60 year old man a few seats away from him, who’s undressing eyes roam over her like a starving animal observing it’s next meal – she can tell he’s not from Derry. No one born and raised in Derry dresses or smells that good. She walks past the fine-looking and deliciously scented man (cinnamon? Pumpkin? Some strong earthy undertone) and sits down across from him, where she observes the gangly man like a scientist examines bacteria under a microscope before deciding if she wants to close in on the kill.

He is a man of importance, it radiates off of him effortlessly like a heatwave in the middle of June. His suit clad shoulders are broad, and his legs are clunkily folded under the bar, and oh, good God, she realizes, he must be taller than any man she has ever had before. His features imply that he’s a young man, older than the woman sniffing him out like a famished dog, but not by more than a handful of years. In his white gloved hand is what seem like a bloody Mary. Typical.

His hair is dark and slightly messy – not that she minds; if she was allowed to have her way with him, his messy hair would be the last thing either of them had to worry about – and his eyes-

Fuck.

And his electric eyes have found hers, amusement glistering on the surface. A god awful embarrassment red sneaks up her heated cheeks, and she’s sure she looks like a creep, or a stalker, or maybe both; a creepy stalker, but no. He is actually tapping the seat next to him in an inviting fashion, cocks his head to the side as if to dare her to come over. She dares.

“Hi,” she sheepishly introduces herself to the hypnotizing being in front of her. A lazy smile graces his lips as he shakes her stretched out, ringless hand with his gloved one.

“Hello,” his voice is unsurprisingly husky, the gravel of that singly greeting sending a pleasant shiver down her spine. “I couldn’t help but notice you looking thirsty from over there, all by yourself.”

Before she can even begin to mutter her apology, sorry-I-am-a-complete-idiot or maybe even a refuting huh-who-me-no-way!, he raises her glass to her, then winks. The fucker winks.

“You know, you can just order them at the bar,” he teases her, nudges her with his elbow like they’ve been friends for years.

“Gee, thanks. I’m not allowed out of the basement much. Not used to this whole leaving the house thing,” she jokes, and he throws his head back laughing like a little kid, and butterflies flutter through her entire being without as much as a warning. Jesus, this man was really God damn fine.

He grins, introduces himself as Bob Gray, and orders her a bloody Mary with extra lime, the assumption she made about his own pick-me-up turning out to be accurate.

“So, what do you do?” she curiously inquires, making a case of brushing her thigh past his knee while settling down on the bar stool right next to the lanky man.

“Do?”

“For work. Or are those gloves a fashion statement?”

“What gloves?” She stares at his uncovered hands, no ring, nimble but long fingers wrapped loosely around his glass and heat creeps up her cheeks for the second time that night. She could’ve sworn he was wearing gloves earlier. Her eyes dart from his hands back up to this bright blue eyes and plump lips, curved up into a grin, all teeth and genuinity.

“You’re a bit of an odd one, aren’t you?” she’s starting to feel an awful lot like having a fever dream, the sense of slipping between being asleep and wakefulness swimming through her mind. Could it be the lack of sleep from the previous nights? It had to be, or perhaps a trick of the light. Before the disorienting bewilderment consumes her, said ungloved fingers link with her bare arm to catch her attention, careful and soft, as if not to startle her.

“Are you alright?” God, and he’s nice. He’s nice and he is funny and he looks even better than all her favorite dirty daydreams, and she wants the nightmares gone so bad and she wants more of his touch, more of him, so fucking bad.

“Yes. Yes, more than fine, actually.”

Michael doesn’t pop up in her mind like he usually does when she accompanies an attractive stranger home, not this time. She could be sorry, but it seems hypocritical. There was no way in hell she was letting the man sitting next to her go, not with the way his lingering touches, against her knee, soft on her arm, pressing on her shoulders, still burn on her skin like winter fire. Just as she had suspected, the current stranger does not live in the hopeless excuse for a town, but he does stay at the Derry townhouse. He takes her there, wastes no time on niceties, just how she likes it. It’s like he can read her every thought, sense the desperation for relief radiating off of her.

Sweet, plump lips bridge the distance the second she gets her coat off, hungry, desperate, searching. Biting.

“F-fuck,” she breathes against him, warm blood dripping down her bottom lip like honied tea spilling over the edge of a hot mug.

“I’m sorry,” the red liquid coat his apologizing lips now, curled up in a Cheshire cat grin. His tongue unapologetically darts out from in between his parted lips, long and pink, licking away her spilled blood, first off of his own lips and then of hers, like she’s nothing more than a tasty treat. Fuck. She hit the fucking kink lottery.

“You’re not,” she ascertains playfully, hands brazenly and without a warning shoving the lanky man that easily towers over her down on the musty couch in the deprecated room of the townhouse. He lets her, she’s awfully aware of how he lets her small frame overpower his much bigger one. In a tangle of limbs, the man of all her dirty daydreams yet to come yanks her down with him, lips chasing each other as a unexpectedly soft chuckle escapes from her throat.

“You’re right, little one,” his breath is hot on her neck, and his hand tugs on her hair with a pleasant sting to it. His teeth graze the undisturbed skin hungrily, rows and rows of sharp, pointy teeth piercing her neck and then his tongue leaves a hot, long stripe down the length of her throat. “I’m not so sorry. I’m not sorry at all.”

The tight but steady grip his big hands hold on her hips renders her dizzy with white hot, blazing want for the stranger below her. A laugh, one similar to the one he had let out earlier on the evening, but now somehow more cruel, escapes from his throat as she wiggles under his iron grip, desperate for more physical contact.

“Tell me what you want, little one. Maybe I will decide to be kind enough to give it to you,” the pet name he has for her flush her cheek a bright red and send an unapologetic rush down her legs,

“I want you,” she whimpers meagerly, entrapped by the delicious dig of his warm digits in her sure-to-be-bruised-by-tomorrow skin, and he cocks up one uninterested eyebrow at her sweaty face.

“Not good enough.”

“I want…. I want you inside of me,” and she’s convinced that did the trick when his fingers finally move, away from her hips and lower, lower, lower… The hem of her dress comes apart under his probing fingers, a soft, anticipating groan escapes her. His fingers are so close to where she needs them most, the warmth of him radiating brightly against the soft flesh of her thighs, and then… And then he stops.

He snorts, displeased yet entertained by the eagerness of her trashing around in his grip, the needy whine falling off her lips.

“Your cock inside of me, I want your cock inside of me, please!” she begs, her dress is ripped to pieces now, something that would cost any other stranger a mean fucking slap across the face, but not him. Not Bob fucking Gray with his magic hands and silver tongue.

The old couch creeks underneath the shifting weight of the tangled together mess of limbs as he flips her naked body over sloppily like a rag doll, rough and careless and pressed along the length of her body. The suit on her one night only lover crinkles as he ruts his hips against her completely naked form messily, his hand teasingly on her clit, insufferably slow, soft circles. His cock is hard and infuriatingly out of reach, the few layers of clothing extracting a needy groan from her.

“Such a dirty, dirty girl,” he grins in her hair as he pulls his hips away from hers, the contrast of the delicious sound of the teeth of his zipper being undone and the emptiness against her behind earning him an eager buck of her soft hips.

For just a fleeting moment, a questioning when the hell did he take my panties off runs through her mind, but the thought is gone as fast as it showed up when he ruthlessly teases her already dripping cunt with the head of his cock, so barely there and wet, and fuck, since when was she such a pleading mess? A chuckle leaves his lips when she eagerly bucks her hips back again, begging and writhing against the tall stranger for more.

“I want your cock inside of me, who?” He’s cruel, he’s awfully and unreasonably cruel and she feels like tears could stream down her cheeks from pure, undenied pleasure that she knows he can give her.

“B-Bob, please,” she gasps, the tip of his leaking cock on her throbbing clit now, hot and heavy and- and then it’s gone again. A tsk in both her ears so vivid it feels like the noise is coming from inside her skull overpowers her own pleading whine for some contact, any at all.

“Sir?” it’s a strangled question coming from her throat that provides her nothing but a correcting squeeze, first her ass, then her nipple when she stays quiet underneath him.

“Come on, little one. You know what I want. You’ve said it before,” he hotly hisses down her neck, teeth sinking in the soft skin of her shoulder as a warning, and then it hits her. She does not stop to wonder how he knows about her past experiences, too drunken on the unadulterated bliss of him.

“Daddy, daddy, daddy, please!”

“Good girl. Good, impatient, little girl,” he giggles, he fucking giggles openmouthed against her cheek like he owns her as he sheaths his full length into her cunt all at once, hot, hard and filling.

Stars rest on the field of her vision when he doesn’t even fucking bother to let her adjust to the alien full feeling of him, hitting every single spot so God damn ass kickingly perfect that it takes her a full minute to realize that moaning noise is coming from her. As far as she’s able to rationalize any different thought than oh God, oh God, oh fuck, yes she ceases her whimpering.

“Don’t hold back those tasty moans now,” he growls, almost sounding inhuman, blended with the rhythmical thrust of his hips, knocking the breath out of her. His cock hits spots she wasn’t aware of having, like he shaped his cock to fit her dripping cunt like a perfect match.

“Tell me I’m the best you’ve ever had in your miserable short little life time. Better than your disappointingly, small-dicked husband,” the pretty stranger has a way of making every word that leaves his mouth sound filthy. He has her draped uselessly over the couch as he pounds into her like there’s no tomorrow, it’s hard to get anything else but mind-dulling moans out.

“Tell me,” he hisses, pulling her body flush against his, his big hand wrapped dangerously tight around her throat.

“Y-you have the best cock I’ve ever felt in my miserable short little life time,” she chokes out with heated cheeks of embarrassment, knowing the man currently filling her up won’t be satisfied with any less. “Better than anyone else’s.”

He chuckles, letting go off her throat not a moment too soon, black patches in her vision threatening to take over, the rhythmic slap of his flesh against her roaring around in her ears.

“I’m going to c-cum,” she gasps, the satisfying stretch of his cock too much with the way his nimble fingers have found their way down from her throat to her clit.

“Oh no, you won’t. Not until daddy says you can.”

She clenches dangerously tight around his cock, earning a harsh slap against her aching pussy, leaving her gasping for air.

“I don’t recall giving you permission to cum yet, my eager little cum slut,” he hisses against the base of her skull, tugging on her hair painfully brutal. The tone in his voice is ruthless and threatening, but his cock twitches inside her like it’s living its own life, and the mere thought of his warm cum dripping out of her has her moaning, and she clenches around his girth again, prepared to deal with whatever consequences he sees fit to punish her with.

The intake of his breath is sharp when his seed spills, hot and thick, triggering her own orgasm. The tremble in legs would’ve been sure to have her fall to her knees if it wasn’t for the old couch underneath her, supporting her weight. Stars appear behind her closed lids, hoping, praying to whatever deity that the overpowering, blissful surge between her legs never ends, that perfect Robert Gray and his perfect cock never leave from the snug space between her trembling legs.

They stay like that for a while, minutes, hours, after they come, she couldn’t tell you even if you held a gun to her head. The final peaceful moments before the storm. Then, he pulls out of her, cock gone soft and his seed dripping down her legs like it belongs there. She bites her lip, sad to let him go. He pats her head, as if to tell her good job and she finally switches positions, her muscles thanking her.

The couch lets out a protesting creek when she shifts her weight from her bruised knees to her sore ass, the ripped up dress she wore earlier that night catching her eye.

“You fucked up my dress, you know.”

“I want to eat you,” he ignores her remark with a low growl, and she laughs, closing her eyes as she revels in the afterglow of sex and uncramping her muscles. It’s like a second orgasm all over again.

“As much as I’d love that, I have to get back to my husband,” when he stays silent, she turns to look at the handsome man in front of her, only to see his blue eyes flicker to an unsettling shade of yellow and drool dribble down his chin. It’s unsettling, triggering goosebumps down her entire body.

“I really should get going,” she repeats, blinking twice, praying that what she’s seeing in front of her is an illusion, a trick of the light, the unenviable costs of her lack of sleep.

It’s none of those things. It’s not an illusion, nor a trick of the light, nor consequences of insomnia. In front of her now, where handsome Bob Gray stood mere seconds ago, now stands a terrifying 7 feet tall clown. His hair is a fiery red and his body is clad in a Victorian style clown costume. She has never really been scared of clowns before, but then again, the clowns she did meet didn’t shapeshift from handsome men into clown creatures in front of her, nor does the clown face seem etched into their skin.

“Y-you’re not real. You can’t be real,” He — no, it, because the being in front her could not be human in any way, shape or form — uncovers its teeth in a sickening twist that could almost pass as a smile, teeth that suddenly look all too familiar to her, she now realizes with a start.

“I-I’m not real?” It mocks the small, now trembling woman on the musty townhouse couch in front of the large being. “My cock was real enough for you, was it not?”

“You… If I knew what you were, I would’ve never…” She needs to get away, or she can guess how this is going to end. How her life is going to end. Oh, God. She fucked this. It. Whatever the fuck it was.

“Please, daddy,” it ridicules her voice, and fuck, it sounds eerily similar to her own. “You have the best cock I’ve ever felt in my miserable short little life time.”

It watches as the doomed human now uselessly claws her nails at the door, naked and afraid. A laugh bubbles in its throat.

“Don’t go hurting my feelings now, little human,” the clown’s voice is so different from Bob’s, higher pitched and laced with insanity and sadism. “You would be so lucky to have me in this form.”

“F-fuck you!” she attempts to retaliate before realizing that she should probably focus on getting the fuck out of here, away from the clown in every sense of the word. Her nails desperately dig at the wooden door that challengingly stands in front of her, the doorknob that she knows was there earlier now gone.

“Oh, but I did, little one, and you thoroughly enjoyed it,” it says in a singsong-y purr, higher now than she has ever heard it, and the pet name it made up for her now sounds more like a fucking threat than anything else. “Look at me.”

Turning around to face the shapeshifter may be the hardest thing she has ever had to do, but the monster waits for her as if it has all the time in the world, - it probably does, she realizes - a demonic laugh ringing through her head, sharp and deafening. Her naked body trembles as she finally turns, tears ready to spill over her sweaty cheeks, faced with eight beady little eyes and equally as many legs, it’s gigantic mouth curled up in a sickening smile.

She screams. She screams like she’s never screamed in her life before, a bad horror movie fucking scream that cracks, insanity closing in on her mind before the monster does.

“Tasty, tasty, beautiful fear,” it roars through her skull, and it’s so close she can almost taste it’s foul breath on her face, stinking of blood and shit and piss and death. The fear is paralyzing, there is nothing more she can do but sit and watch as the horrifying being, enormous and disgusting, heaves itself towards her trembling frame, with only one purpose. To kill. Her screaming as ceased now, all that’s left is a pile of hopelessness filled to the brim with fear, as if it’s been the only emotion she has ever felt before. Hot tears stream down her pretty face, but it awakens no mercy in the beast’s eight yellow eyes, only hunger and a sick sense of sadistic joy.

It’s humongous jaw then snaps open, glistering teeth welcoming her field of vision with a sickening cackle that can only come from the disturbed soul of the entity.

“Hmm... you taste as good as you feel.”

#pennywise x you #pennywise x reader #slasher imagines #slasher x reader #slasher smut #it stephen king #it chapter two #it chapter one #robert gray x reader #robert gray x you #bob gray x reader #bob grey x you #smut #horror #food for thought

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cubeswhump · 4 years ago

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Defy Fate; Reanimate, part 1: The Pieces of Osiris

Gonna make it clear that I got “Defy fate / Reanimate” from this song. This story takes inspiration from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein but I kinda took the barest base of it and ran wild.

For much of my childhood, I was dead set on being a forensic pathologist. Then I got autistic burnout which turned into a nervous breakdown and had to reevaluate my life plan. I still have a huuuuuge love for forensics/pathology and I finally put it to use. A bit too much use. You’re gonna learn about rates of decay today.

Note: Part 2 is already written and will be posted tomorrow or the day after.

Tagging @more-miserables and @brutal-nemesis

Warning for gore, self-harm (not done from depression or misery), terminal illness, whump of a minor (via flashback), death (death is a whole ass focal point of this story so be warned), drugging, creepy whumper (like super creepy), consensual mildly-NSFW stuff that doesn't go anywhere, semi-professional surgery, dismemberment, disembowelment, general grossness.

Dearil was a constant; Lorelai barely remembered life without him. He showed up in first grade an awkward little boy who didn't speak a word of English and she was the happy helper with dozens of gold stars who took him under her wing. But they grew up and he learned English and gained confidence while Lorelai retreated into her shell.

Dearil seemed the type of kid who would be bullied relentlessly: openly gay, overweight, embraced his feminine side with pinks and purples and earrings, grew his hair longer than any boy at school, could tell you every plot point of Bleach and Naruto but couldn't follow a conversation, did these things with his hands that were later identified as stimming. However, he never held his tongue and had this air of confidence that even the mean kids respected. It was quiet, studious Lorelai they picked on, but no one dared bother her when big Dearil stood next to her. When chemotherapy made him lose his hair when they were sixteen, some classmates even shaved their heads to show support.

They stayed close even Dearil repeated eleventh grade because health complications made him miss so much school. They stayed nest best friends even when Lorelai graduated six months early, when he took a gap year, when Lorelai got into medical school. Even when the dreaded Boyfriebds stuck their feet in.

The two shared an apartment while Dearil worked on a degree in business and Lorelai was kept busy as an assistant in a morgue and full-time student. They had big dreams, but Dearil's were much more feasible: he planned to open a bakery that exclusively hired neurodivergent teens and young adults. Lorelai's plans?

"They only don't want to mix magic and medicine becahse the pharmaceutical companies will lose money!" she growled, glaring daggers at the emailed rejection of her thesis.

"People fear what they don't understand. I mean, science can't explain it and it's pretty fucking crazy," Dearil replied, shrugging. "If I had to explain it, I'd say it's kinda like equivalent exchange in Fullmetal Alchemist, right? I don't really get how it works. But you're smart. You're strong-willed. You'll do great."

She didn't get his anime comparisons, but she could get lost in the sould of his voice. If she could bottle it she would drink nothing else for the rest of her life.

Then another Boyfriend came along and she heard that voice less and less. She hated everything about Frankie: the way he zipped around on that noisy motorcycle (and how dare he wear the only helmet while Dearil rode around unprotected), his spikey hair, his smug smile, his grating laughter, his leathee jackets, his lips on Dearil's.

She refrained from hexing him. She wasn't a bad person who would use witchcraft to cause harm. Her acts were subtle and harmless: placing red rose petals in Dearil's pockets and shoes and placing petunia petals in Frankie's.

"I don't know what the flowers mean but I'm guessing it's some passive-aggressive bullshit," Dearil huffed. "Cut it out."

He got a bit angrier when she tried to cut off a chunk of Frankie's stiff hair. It was just for a bad luck charm, nothing lethal, but she pled the fifth on that one.

"You're like a sister to me," Dearil reminded her that day after Frankieeft. He meant well, but she wanted to scream and cry and break things. But she forced herself to smile.

There was a thought that haunted her every day. She would be the maid of honor, perhaps wearing teal if Dearil's current hair color was anything to go by. She would have to give a speech and congratulate the grooms. Watch them kiss. It should be her under that altar! She should be wearing a white gown and veil!

She resigned to life as a lonely spinster. She'd be married to her job.

That was the worst thing she imagined happening, until life hit her like a truck... and the delivery was a truck.

Dearil was so late getting home again. Any minute now he'd call and tell her he was spending the night with Frankie. And sure enough her smartphone rang, but it wasn't Dearil.

"What's up, Kensia?" she asked, but the only response from Dearil's younger sister was sobbing. Instant dread. "Kensia? Come on, use words. I'm not a mind reader."

So Kensia spoke, and Lorelai would have preferred she didn't. She didn't remember getting off the phone. She didn't remember much of that night at all, but she couldn't forget all of it.

***

She almost didn't go to the funeral. She didn't want to wake up ever again. She thought about joining Dearil. But she got out of his bed, staggered to her bedroom, and searched her closet for appropriate attire.

The black dress was old and wouldn't cover the runes carved into her arms, but what did it matter if someone got uncomfortable? Fuck everyone else. The dress was tight in her waist and she bitterly realized that it would fit soon enough now that Dearil wouldn't be baking sugary treats all the time.

His mother came to greet her dressed in all white. The whole Jean-Pierre family wore white, even Dearil's dad whose wardrobe consisted of grey suits and plain ties. Catheline wrapped her up in a bone-crushing hug and Lorelai wanted to push her away and shout, "I'm not here for you!"

A cheap pine coffin for someone so great. What a disgrace. It was closed too. A closed-casket funeral was the most logical solution but it hirt Lorelai to know she wouldn't see his beautiful face ever again. That beautiful face was pulverized. Even Frankie, who was wearing a helmet, was killed so Dearil didn't stand a chance. He was killed on impact, painlessly.

Painless for who? It hurt so, so much.

She could scarcely hear the spoken eulogies over her own sobs, and declined to give one herself. Dearil's own mother wound up consoling Lorelai throughout the ceremony, rocking the young woman in her arms like a child. No words were shared until the end when Catheline walked Lorelai to her car.

"Traditionally in Haiti, we gather to mourn for nine days. It's a social gathering where we eat and drink and talk, nothing stiff and formal," Catheline explained through her own tears, smoothing Lorelai's messy ponytail. "You're part of the family, cheri. We want you to join us."

Like she wanted to waste her time at some social event. The only thing she wanted to do was lie in Dearil's bed and smell him on his pillow. But she couldn't shut Catheline down like that.

"Why nine days?" she asked.

"That's how long the soul takes to leave the body - that's what we Vodouists believe. We gather for nine days to assire the soul ascends safely and doesn't get stolen away by any petro loas. Evil spirits."

A pause. Lorelai got an odd look on her face. "Was he embalmed? Were his organs donated?"

Disgust flashed across Catheline's face for just a second. She took a deep breath. "We believe that harm dealt to the body after death harms the soul, so we don't usually embalm or donate organs. Dearil did want to donate his organs, you know what he's like, so we respected his wishes. He wasn't embalmed. Why do you ask?"

The question had a bit of an edge. She sniffed and dabbed her eyes.

Lorelai wasn't crying anymore, though her eyes were rimmed with red. "Catheline... If his soul is still on earth, could his body be saved?"

Catheline frowned. "What are you..." Her face contorted with horror. "No! I have nothing against you doing witchcraft, but this is where I put my foot down. Interfering with the soul? My son's soul? Imagine the pain he'd be in! How could you even think of that?"

Lorelai looked away from her. "I'm sorry... I'm just really... I'm not thinking. I wasn't thinking. I wouldn't do anything to harm her."

Cathine took her hands. "Look me in the eye. Promise me, Lorelai. Promise me you won't tamper with anything you shouldn't."

Lorelai sighed, looking into those honest brown eyes, eyes so much like Dearil's. "I promise."

***

She promised, but above-ground burial only existed to tempt grave robbers. It was a blessing; the universe wanted Lorelai to do this.

What wasn't a blessing was the man standing outside the mausoleum. Fucking Catheline must have held her suspicions and reported on them. The guard's head snapped her way, and she bolted.

"Hey!" he shouted. "What do you think you're doing?"

Every step toward her car, every step toward her front door was a knife twisting. She was leaving Dearil behind.

She went to the gathering to keep up appearances. She drank much-needed wine and ate Haitian foods even when she felt like the smallest bite of food would make her vomit. She and Catheline said nothing of their conversation, and the older woman hugged her a bit much for her liking.

The witches in the forums turned on her. They called necromancy evil and her plan foolish.

People like you are why people think so badly of us! wrote WitchBitch666. No one had any tips but MagickalShells wanted updates on her progress.

No one had done anything like this. At least, not in written history. She was completely on her own. But it wasn't the first time she did something crazy woth magic, though the forums were more help the last time.

The migraines. The vomiting. The paranoia. The way he couldn't catch his breath. Finally, the seizures. After the appointment with the neurologist, Dearil had called Lorelai crying.

Four tumors across his brain, all cancerous. Two inoperable, the structures too important and delicate.

Dearil needed her like he did when they were younger, but it wasn't enjoyable this time. The doctors estimated that he had ten months to live. They only offered to attempt to shrink the tumors with chemotherapy and "focus on his quality of life."

He slipped into a coma toward the end, and Lorelai grew desperate.

Lorelai knew little about witches. Heathens, Mama and Pedro called them. They voted for increased limitations on magic at any election - local, statewide, and nationwide. They wanted it to be outlawed entirely.

But she knew witches did things that couldn't be explained with science. Maybe science wasn't everything. So she turned to the forums.

Once a week she would rip off a fingernail with her pliers. She would sneak into Dearil's hospital room and put the fingernail under his mattress, then slice into his hand with a razor blade and draw a rune behind his ear with his blood.

Hospital staff increased security when they found the harm done to his body hand and the blood on his head, but he miraculously woke up after two weeks. He still had cancer, though, and her work wasn't done.

"You've been doing what?" he had cried when he was coherent and cognizant enough to understand, staring at the deep, angry red slash across his palm. She lunged for his hand and he stepped back. "And let me see your fucking nails!"

"Come on, you're dying," she pointed out. "What do you have to lose?"

He cringed, but they both knew she was right. So he would let her take his blood and sleep with finger and toenails under his pillow, though he shuddered to think about. She lost weight and grew pale as he regained what his mother called "bebe fat" and life returned to his eyes. The tumors shrank with each X-ray.

"You're doung this, aren't you?" asked Catheline, very seriously, and Lorelai had paled. But when the teenager bowed her head, Catheline pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, thank you, cheri. But don't kill yourself to save him."

Week eighteen. Lorelai's nails were growing back ever so slowly and terribly brittle. With two toenails left, she had to wonder what offering she would give when she ran out.

But with the next X-ray, it was announced that the boy who was supposed to be dead in mere months was in remission. He walked with a limp because of the damage the tumor did to his cerebellum, but physical therapy got that fixed up. He returned to school, behind a year, and Lorelai became fixated on influencing western medicine to adopt witchcraft, if not becoming the first doctor to use magic on her patients in the United States.

The guard was there the next night, but she made sure she wasn't seen. She linked herself to the ground and, urging him to hurry up and take a bathroom break or something. Dearin's brain was the most important thing to be kept, but the brain is one of the first things to go, ces collapsing just minutes after death. Every minute wasted waiting for this stupid guard was cellular death. Losing her Dearin.

An illusion spell. He ran to investigate the vandals kicking at tombstones and each footfall was like feet stomping on Lorelai's face. She was never so happy to feel pain though.

A spell to unlock the door would be a waste of energy. One of the runes on her chest was already seeping, and she needed to save her blood for tomorrow. She picked the lock and slipped inside as the "vandals" led the guard here and there, running him ragged.

Dearil didn't deserve to be in this house of nobodies. Name after useless name among the granite on the wall until she found a Dearil Jean-Pierre. She pried off the granite slab with her crowbar, and then the concrete under it. She dropped the concrete on her foot and puffed out her cheeks to keep in the profanities. The concrete broke in two, and she expected her throbbing toe did too.

She gripped the sides of his coffin and tugged. It took a minute to budge. Dearil wasn't very tall, and neither was Lorelai, but he was wide and heavy. Her face turned red and she grunted with effort. She jumped back as his coffin fell to the ground. It was still jammed shut, and she wished they still nailed coffins shut. She didn't know what this sealant wasade of, but it was rough.

Running out of time. Guard could come back. Hurry up.

The lid came out, and the smell. Oh god, the smell. She gagged, but it was nothing compared to when her flashlight landed on what was left of her friend.. No, that actually made her swallow back bile.

He was missing one arm, only a little mangled stub remaining in his empty sleeve, but that wasn't the problem. His face, God, his face. The left side was caved in, skin and dreadlocks torn away to reveal the gore. He didn't have much of a left eyebrow, his jaw leaned to one side with missing teeth gaping at her, and what was left of his nose was a bloody pulp with the little stud nosering glinting far from where his nostril was supposed to be. And his eyes, his gorgeous eyes... Grey-blue scleras, left eye protruding from the socket with black spots around the iris.

"Oh god, Dearil..." She rubbed her eyes, willing herself to get a grip.

This was the easy part; all she had to do was transport him. But how was she supposed to fit a 5'7", 185 pound man in an, albeit large, suitcase?

It felt so wrong undressing him. She wanted her first time seeing him nude to be consensual, but not one "yes" left his bloated lips. She tried not to look anywhere inappropriate, flushing under her mask.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she whispered as she produced the bone saw from her gym bag. She held the flashlight in her mouth as she sliced into one thigh.

Rigor mortis had passed and he was soft abd squishy, but the femur was still rock solid. It took a bit of force and then she moved to the other leg. The smell increased tenfold, and ut got even worse when she swutched ti a scalpel and sliced off strips of his wobbly, pudgy belly.

His neck was already broken and any damage could be fixed, so she pushed his chin down to his chest, avoiding looking at those glassy eyes. His remaining arm was okay to stay. It was easy to angle and wrap around his head, and she secured the limb with tape before cramming him into the plastic-lined suitcase.

She put the lid on the coffin and lifted it back into its divot. It was much lighter now, only containing clothes, flaps of skin, and two legs, and there was no evidence if tampering at first glance. She pushed the two concrete halves together and into their place on the wall, shoving the granite slab in after. They kept sliding and threatening to fall, so in the end she went around prying off and smashing dozens of slabs. With so much damage, they won't know where to start, and if they find other caskets unaffected, maybe they won't check his...

This plan was falling apart. No it wasn't. It wasn't, it wasn't!

Connecting her senses to the grounds, she found the guard outside. She held a lighter to her hand, feeling the warmth, imagining a small explosion and fire. Runes bled onto her shirt. The guard ran off to check the exosion at the other side of the graveyard, shouting. Feet trampling her face.

It was just an illusion. She wasn't one for destruction magic or vandalism. Well... The mausoleum said otherwise about vandalism, but as she walked away it was out of sight and out of mind.

She still struggled to lift Dearil into the passenger's seat of her car, having to roll the windows down to deal with the odor. She plugged her phone into the auxiliary cord and played his favorite music. She was never a fan during his life, but now she loved the sound.

She didn't go to their apartment. No, that would be far too predictable. She still had a key to Mama and Pedro's beach house, and when she checked earlier that day she found that they hadn't chamged the locks. It was only an hour's drive and she could make that to and from work, school, home without running out of gas money.

The roar of waves crashing on the shore competed with the obnoxious rumbling of a heavy wheeled suitcase on cobblestone. She got inside and turned on the lights. The table was new, very nice with polished wood. She didn't feel at all remorseful putting Dearil's odorous, leaking body on the pristine surface to operate. Preserving his brain was frst and foremost.

Face-down, his eyes didn't stare at her. She sliced around the top of his scalp, separated the skull, and then sliched straight down to his nape. She severed his optic nerves and then focused on removing the brain. The brainstem had to stay intact, so she removed the uppermost vertebrae it was attached to.

In her hands, she held Dearil's mind, the most important thing she had ever touched. Faintly grey and sagging with a chunk taken from the left. She struggled to figure out what larts were damaged the most. She reslized, with complete horror, that there wasn't musch left of Broca's area. Not his voice! I need to hear his voice! She'd have to fix that.

Wernicke's area looked okay though, so hopefully he would be able to read abd write without problem. His parietal lobe as a whole didn't look so good, and he already jad sensory issues... Hopefully it wasn't too bad.

She wished she could do an X-ray and see how the inner structures had decayed, especially his hippocampi. He needed to remember her!

Focus. She needed to focus on the task at hand. Whatever the damage was, nothing would be fixed if she just stpod there staring.

Her medical school had gotten on board with new postmortem brain preservation techniques. Liquid nitrogen, cryonics, blood substitute. The dust was mixed into the fluid in the tank, and now she allowed Dearil's brain to be submerged. She dripped fresh blood onto the rune under the tank and for just a second, the water glowed.

The human body is home to tens of trillions of microorganisms that keep you healthy. Though these populations are necessary for human survival, a single one getting out of control would be devastating. That's where the immune system comes in, suppressing overgrowth and keeping these populations in check.

But dead people have no immune system; bacteria runs rampant.

Lorai soaked a new mask in winter mint rubbing alcohol and pulled it on, and new gloves. Her goggles and apron stayed on, and sue set to work, starting the scalpel at his shoulder and ending at his breastbone. Mirror the stitch. Slice down his mutilated stomach to the start of his pelvis.

Peeling back the skin, it was clear his liver and gallbladder were no more; his insides were stained yellow-green with bile, and the winter mint did little to mask the smell of ammonia and hydrogen sulfate. She had to get rid of his stomach before the hungry microbes could do any more damage, scarcely breathing as she cracked open his ribcage and transferred internal organs to a garbage bag.

She couldn't exactly drag him outside and hose him down, so so brought him to the downstairs bathroom with the detachable shower head. He was so light now.

She rinsed him with the shower head. Water ran yellow-green, and then finally clear, though his insides still were definitely not a healthy red-pink. She wrapped him up in the fluffiest towel and brought him to the kitchen. She'd removed all the shelves in the refrigerator during her first trip to the house so she had no problems sticking Dearil's mostly empty husk inside.

And then she lit a few scented candles and went to bed.

***

The head medical examiner was a lonely older man. His wife was either dead or left him (Lorelai wasn't sure which, and she didn't care), and his only company was the corpses he sliced open. Lorelai saw the way he looked at her, eyes hungrily taking her image in. In the days after Dearil's accident, she started making moves on him even though it ft so, so wrong.

She smiled at him throughout today's shift. She washed her hair for the first time in days and let it hang lose around her face during her break. She even put on makeup, though it took a few video tutorials to get it loose.

Toward the end of her shift, she sidled up to him, whispering, "Hey, Viktor..."

He glanced at her. "Hm?"

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

He went red up to the tips of his ears.

"Come home with me," she said in a whine, fingers stroking his arm. "I'm staying at my family's summer home. I'm the only one there, all alone and sooo lonely."

"Fuck yes," he breathed.

"You ever have sex on the beach?"

"I'm getting hard just thinking about it."

She forced herself to smile instead of grimacing. "You ever been with a witch?"

"You?" His eyes widened, but then he smiled. "I bet you're magical in bed."

Ew ew ew.

"You've got that right." She placed a hand on the unmarked chest of the man on the table. His skin was the wrong shade of brown, but his hair was perfect. She already had a nose on ice that she'd taken during Viktor's break. It was a bit too dark as well, but it was just the right shape for Dearil. "How about we take this guy with us?"

Viktor recoiled. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, you said you want a magical night. Do something crazy!" she exclaimed. "You don't have to fuck him or anythibg, and we'll have him back by morning. It's not like he'll mind. It's a witch thing."

Viktor put a hand to his salt and pepper hair, eyebrows knitting together. A few emotions clouded his features before he came to a decision. "If you say so. But if we get caught this was your idea."

"Noted. But I promise you'll enjoy yourself."

He helped her wheel out the John Doe on one of the cheaper stretchers no one would miss, faces obscured by masks and a darkness spell. They stuffed the corpse into the tiny trunk of her car. Viktor pressed his lips to hers suddenly, bushy mustache scratching her. He smelled like literal death and whatever offensive oil he rubbed into his mustache so he wouldn't have to smell as much decay.

He couldn't keep his hands to himself during the whole drive, rubbing her thighs, kissong her neck, trying to unhook her bra and getting excited when he found out she wasn't wearing one. She wanted to slap his hands away, shout that her body belonged to Dearil, but this was a necessary step.

Her mind screamed but her lips purred, "Ohh, that feels so good."

He still hadn't settled down when they were taking the Doe into the house. "Talk dirty in Spanish, chica," he murmured.

"I was born in Florida," she sighed. "I don't speak that much Spanish."

"Don't you know any?"

"A bit. Do you?"

"I can say hola and count to ten," he laughed. "My Spanish classes probably ended before you were even alive. Come on, say something."

"Estas... Estas tan muerto," she said. "Eres solo, uh, um... un peón."

"That's so hot," he moaned, and she bit her cheek to keep from laughing.

Viktor's smile became a frown when they walked into the house. He set the John Doe on the table while Lorelai went and locked the door. He quickly sniffed his shirt when she wasn't looking, but the smell wasn't coming from him. And the bed in the adjacent living room was a bit of an odd choice, though he could appreciate the silk and headboard. And the ropes. This was gonna be a fun night.

Lorelai came back, a smile playing on her lips. She put a hand to his chest. "Come closer, Señor. Permítame whisper in your ear."

He leaned close, his smile tentative now. Her lups were so close they tickled him just as a sharp pain struck his neck.

"I never liked you," she whispered, pressing the needle in harder as he tried to pull away. He shoved her away and staggered back, staring at the clear fluid still in the syringe.

"What the fuck did you just do to me, you crazy bitch?" he screamed, clutching bis neck. Her smiling, round face had gone hard and cold, expression neutral.

"Oh, calm down. It's just lorazepam," she said. "They use it on unruly patients all the time. It's probably the safest injectable sedative."

Ge hit out at her but she easily dodged the sluggish attack. She pushed him down onto the bed, tying up his wrists. He still kicked his legs until she tied his ankles too. He was finally silent when she wrapped the duct tape around his head and moury several times.

"Don't look at me like that," she said, tying ger hair back. "Alexa, play Bury Me at Makeout Creek by Mitski, full album."

It's beautiful out today

I wish you could take me upstate

To the little place you would tell me about

"When you'd sense that I'd want to escape," Lorelai sang over the muffled screams and shouts, pulling on her mask, goggles, gloves, and apron. Viktor could only stare at the saws, scalpels, drills, and needles that she left on the table before she disappeared into another room.

No one could hear him scream.

#whump #whump fic #whump writing #surgical whump #medical whump #magical whump #tw self harm #self harm tw #torture #torture tw #female whumper #female whump #male whump #male whumpee #female whumpee #tw death #death tw #creepy whumper

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shirtlesssammy · 6 years ago

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14x12: Prophet and Loss

Then:

Drama llama Dean spent an entire afternoon in a workshop surrounded by half naked men, and now he’s gonna bury himself at the bottom of the sea.

Now:

We open with Dean in the ma’lak box at the bottom on the ocean.

It is uncomfortable to watch. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about Dean dreaming about being in the box. It’s a huge call back to 3x16/4x01 and him yelling for Sam and waking from Hell in his own coffin --the coffin Sam insisted he be buried in --the coffin that Cas, the naive angel that lacked the people skills to know not to just reconstitute him and leave him six feet under. This is as bad, if not worse, than Hell for Dean. Dean’s been very low in the past, but to listen to Death and admit that he doesn’t have free will over this situation? Gah.

It is just a dream though, albeit one that was so visceral, he woke to bloody fingernails and scratches on the motel wall. Sam, who’s also awake, tries talking to Dean about his plan.

For This is a Beautiful Shot Science:

Sam insists that there has to be another way. Dean sees no other option than to lock himself away with Michael for eternity. (Sidenote: I just saw this post come across my dash about Swan Song, and I’M DYING.)

Aaaaaand, it wouldn’t be Buckleming without some torture porn! A man has a woman tied up. He’s dumping salt in a vat of water. Oooh, maybe super crazy demon torture? J/K, just a regular girl who doesn’t deserve to die tortured. Sigh. He carves something into her arm and sends her into the water to drown. Positive Note: She’s fully clothed.

Nick’s in the hospital and and as soon as his leg heals, he’ll be spending a lot of time in jail. Nick’s playing the “devil made me do it” card. And he’s also crying silent tears. NOT BUYING WHAT YOU’RE SELLING, EUGENIE.

On the road, the brothers take a moment to further dissect Dean’s plan. Both Sam and Mary hate it. Cas and Jack don’t even know about it. Sam calls Cas --who clearly gets the newsletter Sam sends out to everyone. He knows.

Rowena and Cas have been on the case to extract Michael, but both have come up empty. Cas offers to speak with Dean. Sam doesn’t think that’ll matter.

Torture Man has a new victim! This time it’s a dude that he’s trussed and laid out on a plastic sheet. Torture Man utters warped Bible quotes while he slits the man’s throat. He then carves something into his chest. Oh man, I have a high capacity for violence on TV, but this WAS NOT COOL TO WATCH. Do. Not. Like. After carving up his victim, he hears whispers and says, “I am the Lord.”

On the road, Michael continues to scream and pound on the inside of Dean’s mind. And, guh, Dean pulls himself together and side-eyes Sam to see if he noticed. He didn’t. SAM. I mean, I get it, he’s doing what he can to stop Dean’s plan. And if Dean really wants to convince his brother this is the best idea, why worry if he sees you struggle?

Anyway, Dean jumps into talking about their childhood, and how he “wasn’t always the greatest brother” to Sam. Sam’s baffled as to where this is going. Dean was his constant family when they were kids. Sam recognizes that Dean was not just there for him as a brother, but he raised Sam. Dean continues, apologizing for siding with their dad, for trying to keep the peace. I AM LIVING FOR THIS CONVERSATION. Dean admits that John would send Dean away when he would get mad at Dean. And, like we know this, and I’m still crying? Sometimes I feel like while every episode adds to the story of Sam and Dean, they’re often forgotten or never mentioned again, so did they really happen? If I ended up in an alternate world where I was rich and famous, I’d think back and rehash the fun in that on occasion. In any event, 9x7 did happen, and it happened on multiple occasions. Sam makes it clear to Dean that he let all that go a long time ago, also please stop with the deathbed apologies. Kthxbye.

Nick outsmarts the cop guarding him and escapes from the hospital.

Sam’s found a case! A nice distraction from their Road Trip of Bad Decisions. They head to investigate.

They arrive at the home of the brother of the last victim.

I found this shot SO weird, but didn’t really think about it again until I saw @neven-ebrez post, and was glad someone put some thought into it. :D We’re kind of hit over the head with brother parallels here. Dean gets to hear what it might feel like for Sam when he’s gone. Sam explains that the graffiti carvings were really Enochian.

The brother talks about a friend, Tony Alvarez, who was more into Bible quotes than the average Millenial.

A Story in Three Parts:

I mean, really. REALLY? Cas has no chill. He also has no filter and spills that he knows about Dean’s plan. At first I was like “oh Cas bby, no” but now I’m ok with it. It’s almost more painful to know that Cas knows about Dean’s plan when Dean doesn’t know about Cas’s deal. (And equally painful to think that Cas doesn’t think about his deal because he doesn’t see himself ever being happy.) (Natasha: curls up into an unhappy knot on the floor.)

Anyway, Dean doesn’t want to talk to Cas about his plan and jumps right into why he called. Does Cas recognise the name Tony Alvarez? Cas says that he’s in line to be a prophet. Dean cuts him off, awkwardly tells him it’s good to hear his voice, and hangs up. He instantly chastises Sam for spilling his secret. “Dean, it’s Cas. I had to tell him.” Sam and Cas are the best brothers-in-law. HUGS.

And if Tony is now a killer prophet, is Donatello dead? Dean checks in with Donatello’s doctor. He’s still around (brain dead and all, but not dead dead.)

Dean and Sam break into Tony’s home, which looks perfectly normal EXCEPT for a creepy office covered with Enochian writing and pinned up photos of victims. They realize that the killer is cycling through different biblical deaths.

Cut to the Sphinx Machine Shop, where a deranged Tony has strung up his next victim. He gets ready to burn him (and I’m just cringing in horror please stop). Fortunately, the Winchesters rush in just in time. Sam tackles Tony while Dean puts out the fire and saves the victim. Tony babbles that God was telling him to kill those people. He manages to get a hold of Dean’s gun and kills himself.

U G H

Anyway, just like that, the whole case is over.

They go over the case with Cas, who speculates that Donatello’s not-dead-yet status has somehow triggered a malformed line of prophets. The answer seems clear...they’ve got to kill off Donatello.

Nick breaks into his old house and flashes back to the trauma of his family’s deaths. (Somehow there’s still electrical service? I’m going to chalk that up to an overzealous realtor, perhaps.) The room ices over as the ghost of his dead wife, Sarah, manifests. He addresses her as...“Lucifer?” AWKWARD. Sarah, played by a jarringly different actress, tells Nick that she’s been a ghost...the whole damn time. She saw him get possessed by Lucifer and that is part of the unfinished business that keeps her tethered to Earth. There are some major you’re-cheating-on-me vibes coming from her.

“You wanted him,” she accuses him. “You still do,” she says, surprising absolutely nobody. Nick tells Sarah that he’s gonna go find Lucifer and he leaves her behind to be a super grumpy ghost for all eternity. Thanks, man.

At the Happy Daze nursing home (rly?) a doctor tells the Winchesters that pulling the plug on Donnie is the right choice. Dean practically smirks at Sam like, “SEE? The nice doctor is telling you to let me be tortured for all of eternity.” Cas meets them in the guise of a doctor.

Doctor Sexy: A visual story in three parts:

Sam heads off with the (real) doctor to see what sort of babbled “nonsense” Donnie’s been dealing. (I take a break to pedantically google the difference between brain death and vegetative states.) Dean gives Cas some serious side-eye and sass about checking up on Donatello, but Cas pulls him back. He explains that what he did to Donatello was necessary at the time, but he still regrets it. Dean attempts to commiserate and Cas spits out, “Please don’t compare this with your suicidal plan. Just STOP.”

Dean pleads with Cas to support his decision. “This is goodbye?” Cas demands in response, and then SAM BURSTS IN. God DAMN it, Interrupting!Sam.

Ugh. MAN. Give Dean and Cas five freakin’ minutes to talk through their issues 2k19. (You know I love it AND I hate it, bbys.)

Anyway, the footage of Donatello shows him speaking Enochian. He’s muttering about striking down the first born of Egypt...he’s just spewing out the Word of God. Cas thinks Donatello’s mind is rebuilding itself and stumbling through old prophecies. (Me: passive-aggressively googles vegetative states again.)

They head into Donatello’s room where Cas, bless him, continues to show an utter lack of an appropriately scaled cover persona. He orders the real doctor out of the room with a cursory “Get out.”

While Sam and Dean wait for Cas to try his healing mojo, Dean flinches as he continues to struggle with Michael. Oh, Dean Bean.

They reunite with Cas just in time for Cas to have his breakthrough healing moment.

For Science

They turn off the life support machines and, after a brief jolt, Donatello pulls through. It’s a miracle! He’s probably not evil, right? I mean, the lack of soul will almost certainly steer him well. (Lord, we’re going to be stuck with this chicken-addicted prophet forever, aren’t we?)

Donatello wants to know what happened and Dean slaps Cas on the shoulder and somewhat snarkily leaves the job to him. Dean. Bean.

Sam greets Dean back at the Impala with beer and misery. After the “win” of getting Donatello back, it’s time for them to head on home so Dean can lock himself into his torture box. Sam delivers an emotional speech about their shared experiences and accuses Dean that he’s checking out of the world too soon. “If you quit on us today, there will be no tomorrow.” Sam rails at Dean, begging him to give them all a chance to save him. “I believe in us,” Sam shouts and punches Dean in rage and pain.

Reluctantly, Dean promises to go home with Sam and hold out for another option for as long as he can. Dean offers a contingency agreement: if they have no other choice in the future, then Sam and Cas have to let him go.

“Let’s go home,” Dean says to them both. Hooray! And...that should get to me but what really quietly wrecked me was Dean telling Sam quietly, “Don’t hit me again, okay?” before they all climbed into the car. Welcome, hello, my heart is now in a coffin at the bottom of the ocean.

After they all depart, the title card fades ominously to white.

Everybody knows what makes Doctor Sexy sexy is his Quotes:

Well, the woman has a remarkable command of profanity.

If we could not have conversations that sound like deathbed apologies, I would really appreciate it.

Dean, it’s so good to hear from you.

Thank you, and it’s good to hear your voice.

“Doctor.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.”

Dean. If there’s a spark, a hope, then I have to try. You taught me that.

No rest for the self-destructive.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn 14x12 #prophet and loss #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #cas #nick #donatello redfield #dr sexy #supernatural season 14

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brokehorrorfan · 7 years ago

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Best New Horror Movies on Netflix: Spring 2018

There’s an overwhelming amount of horror movies to sift through on Netflix, so I’ve decided to take out some of the legwork by compiling a list of the season’s best new genre titles available on Netflix’s instant streaming service.

Please feel free to leave a comment with any I may have missed and share your thoughts on any of the films you watch. You can also peruse past installments of Best New Horror Moves on Netflix for more suggestions.

1. The Ritual

The Ritual is the great Blair Witch Project sequel we never got. Although not found footage, it explores many similar plot points as the recent Blair Witch - yet it feels far more fresh and, more importantly, scarier. The first two acts are superbly eerie, and, while it loses a tiny bit of momentum toward the end, it offers a truly imaginative creature design. After memorable segments in several anthologies, David Bruckner's (V/H/S, The Signal) feature directorial debut offers a small but strong cast led by Rafe Spall (Prometheus), well-developed characters, a creative use of flashbacks, and a brilliant atmosphere of dread.

2. Veronica

Veronica's reputation precedes it, as it has been the subject of several high-profile articles touting it as the scariest movie on Netflix. I'm not sure it lives up to that claim, but it's certainly worth seeing for yourself. Based on true events, the film takes place in 1991 Madrid. When 15-year-old Veronica (Sandra Escacena) attempts to contact her deceased father with a Ouija board alongside two fellow Catholic schoolgirls, she becomes haunted by something from the other side. Escacena - an actual teenager - delivers a great performance, and director Paco Plaza ([Rec]) channels James Wan in his expert crafting of frightening set pieces.

3. Before I Wake

Nearly three years after it was supposed to open in theaters, Before I Wake was rescued from rights issues by Netflix. Director Mike Flanagan (Ouija: Origin of Evil, Gerald's Game) has since cemented himself as a modern master of horror, and Before I Wake is another winner. Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns) and Thomas Jane (The Mist) star as a couple who, still grieving the death of their young son, adopt a 6-year-old boy, Cody (a then-unknown Jacob Tremblay, Room). Upon learning that Cody's dreams manifests themselves in reality, the parents encourage him to dream about their deceased son in order to spend more time with him. Unfortunately for everyone, Cody also suffers from nightmares about a creature he calls The Canker Man. It's a bit heavy on exposition, but the film has ample heart and strong visuals. Similar to the work of Guillermo del Toro, Before I Wake blends horror motifs with fantastical and dark dramatic elements.

4. 47 Meters Down

Originally scheduled to go straight-to-DVD in 2016, 47 Meters Down was given a theatrical release last summer, which proved to be an unlikely success. Mandy Moore (This Is Us) and Claire Holt (The Vampire Diaries) star in the underwater thriller as sisters whose shark diving expedition goes wrong. Trapped on the ocean floor, the girls' air supplies are quickly depleting while a swam of great white sharks circles the area. There are a few unfortunate jump scares, and suspension of disbelief is certainly required, but director Johannes Roberts (The Other Side of the Door) takes a mostly grounded, serious approach, crafting a bit of old-fashioned suspense at a brisk pace. Read my full review of the film here.

5. Mute

Mute is a sci-fi mystery, not a horror movie - although it does have a brutal kill at its climax. Aesthetically, the film is total Blade Runner worship - perhaps even more so than Blade Runner 2049 - so it is gorgeous to look at. Set in the near future, the plot finds a mute bartender (Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood) searching the seedy underbelly of Berlin for his missing girlfriend. But it's the B-story - in which Paul Rudd (Ant-Man) and Justin Theroux (The Girl on the Train) play a pair of wise-cracking black market surgeons - that steals the show. Director Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code), who co-wrote the script with Michael Robert Johnson (Sherlock Holmes), also throws in a fun nod to Moon that sets Mute in the same universe.

6. Nails

Nails occasionally feels like a lesser Insidious movie (particularly Chapter 3, since both involve injured female antagonists), but it'll hit that sweet spot when you're browsing Netflix for something short (only 85 minutes!) and creepy in the middle of the night. After a nasty hit and run, Dana (Shauna Macdonald, The Descent) is left confined to a hospital bed, barely able to speak or move. She believes someone is in the room with her at night; at first, she feels a presence watching her, and then it starts touching. Her family and doctors dismiss her claims as hallucinations from painkillers. It suffers from a bit too much exposition, but there are some strong horror set pieces. The Irish film earns bonus points for being almost entirely contained to the hospital bed without getting stale.

7. Ravenous

Ravenous (also known as Les Affamés) is yet another post-apocalyptic zombie thriller in the vein of The Walking Dead, but it's better than many of its contemporaries. The Canadian production is in French, but it addresses universal themes in its exploration of human drama. In the film, various rogue survivors band together to strengthen their chances of survival among the hordes of infected. Along the way, it introduces a mysterious ritual of sorts that the zombies perform, though it's never fully paid off. Nevertheless, this one is worth a watch if you’re a fan of recent zombie dramas like Maggie, The Cured, Here Alone, and What We Become.

8. Bad Match

The first act of Bad Match resembles a sophomoric “bro” comedy, but it's worth sitting through to watch it blossom into its final form: Fatal Attraction for the digital age. Jack Cutmore-Scott (Deception) stars as Harris, a 20-something tech worker with a tendency to hook up with women from a Tinder-like dating app and then never speak to them again. He finally meets a woman he really likes, Riley (Lili Simmons, Bone Tomahawk), only to have her become deeply obsessed with him. The supporting cast includes Noureen DeWulf (Anger Management), Chase Williamson (Beyond the Gates), Brandon Scott (Channel Zero), and Trent Haaga (Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV).

9. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters

I'm surprised it has taken this long for Toho to make a Godzilla anime, as both are staples of Japan, and the medium eliminates any limitations caused by having an actor in the rubber suit. Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters is the first installment in a planned anime trilogy. Like many Godzilla films, it spends a tedious amount of time with character exposition before the creatures are introduced. The film is set in 2048, after giant monster attacks have caused the earth to collapse. Humans search space for an inhabitable planet before returning to earth; nearly halfway through the movie, they finally land and start fighting the kaiju. It's an impressive sight when Godzilla finally shows up, as it’s the biggest version of the king of the monsters ever put on screen. With all of the set up out of the way, Planet of the Monsters sets the stage for the next two installments to be even better.

Bonus: The End of the F***ing World

The End of the F***ing World is a British series released in the US as a Netflix original. 17-year-old James (Alex Lawther, Black Mirror) is fairly certain he's a serial killer, but when his would-be first victim, the moody Alyssa (Jessica Barden, The Lobster), invites him to runaway with him, the unstable couple fall for one another. Like Natural Born Killers meets Moonrise Kingdom, their time on the road includes absurd crime, unlikely death, young love, and pitch-black humor. With an engaging story spread out across eight 20-minute episodes, it's virtually impossible not to binge through the entire season in one sitting.

Bonus: Haunters: The Art of the Scare

Haunters: The Art of the Scare is ostensibly a documentary about homemade haunted houses, similar to The American Scream. It profiles a few mom-and-pop haunts, illustrating the communal aspect as well as the strain it can have on personal relationships. But the bulk of the film is dedicated to McKamey Manor, a nonprofit "extreme haunt" run out of certifiably insane guy's house in San Diego. There's a waiting list of thousands of people who are more than willing to be debased on camera for all the internet to see. Deplorable as it may be, it's a fascinating subject that, frankly, should have been the sole subject of the documentary.

#netflix #the ritrual #veronica #47 meters down #the end of the f***ing world #before i wake #godzilla #mute #nails #ravenous #bad match #haunters #best of netflix #article #list

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kitsunebellproductions · 6 years ago

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Thoughts on Voltron Season 7

SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY! Things that annoyed/angered/saddened/frustrated me: *Kuron still being treated as though he was nothing more than some evil monster and convenient spare parts for Shiro. I am still nauseated by the whole thing. This poor precious baby boy deserved so much better. *Shiro’s hair -I mean come on, his fringe was pure white before but now it’s grey? What, did the whole process leach colour from the rest of his hair yet restore some to his fringe?! I will just assume it’s meant to be white but they felt this particular shade of white/grey worked best aesthetically with his outfits etc. *Too little Shiro for too many episodes. *Too much Keef. (Sorry, fandom has completely ruined this character for me, he’s not a bad character but I am repulsed by his mere name thanks to the toxicity in this fandom. I wish I could go back to the beginning of watching Voltron when he was just another decent character that I felt neither yay nor nay about, but it is what it is.) *That weird game show -if it was some magical space mage mumbo jumbo thingy that just transported their consciousness, why wasn’t Shiro there? And the whole ‘comedy family’ shtick with the Galra... I mean, it was a bit funny but... mostly weird tbh. The funniest parts were the commercials. *Way too little background/interaction with Shiro and Adam. *Also Adam’s design -like, why do you make an entirely new character that looks a lot like a mix of two other characters who are father and son (Matt and Sam)? You could have done literally anything to his design but you went safe and way too familiar? I mean holy moly did you see Kinkade? Fuck yeah what a gorgeous design, that is exactly what my hopeful heart pictured for Shiro’s boyfriend but nope. Give us generic floppy-hair glasses boy with a generic medium brown palette, it’s so fresh and new and interesting. Not. *Adam FUCKING DYING before Shiro even got back to Earth. You could have at least let the poor boy have a reunion with someone waiting for him on Earth before burying some more gays, but no. He must suffer. *Shiro getting like three seconds to mourn Adam.

*Speaking of burying your gays... (not to mention a delightful dash of the ‘evil lesbians’ trope): Ezor and Zethrid. Yayy on their relationship, nay on them being presumably killed off (I mean killing 3 out of 4 queer characters while keeping the straight characters safe is not a good way to show how queer friendly your show is. And no the ‘we had to show how dark and dangerous war is’ excuse doesn’t work when the only characters you kill are the queer ones. There were plenty of characters back on Earth we’d have felt just as deeply about -or more even- considering we’ve heard about the other paladins’ families back on Earth but we’d never heard of Adam until now. Just imagine if Veronica had died -that would have been intensely emotional and really had gone to show all that you wanted about the dangers of war -especially as I don’t doubt for a second that Lance would have gotten an entire episode at least to mourn her while Shiro got like three seconds. Because Shiro is apparently not allowed to mourn). *And isn’t it funny how the most alien-looking Galra women are the evil ones, while the ‘good’ ones look more or less like lavender-skinned human women (and are also very pretty, petite and with slender, ‘sexy’ bodies.) Like, seriously... *Not to mention how creepy it is that Keef’s Galra mom and the other ‘good’ Galra woman (Acxa, who for whatever reason the show tried to force some out-of-the-blue yucky heteromance together with Keef) look disturbingly much alike (and they look to be the same age too more or less. So sick and tired of the ‘hot young-looking mom’ trope in media but especially animated shows. And especially when the kids end up banging girls looking to be more or less the same age as their mom). *Shiro not reacting when Ezor and Zethrid went for Pidge -he’s consistently been shown to be very protective and self-sacrificing, yet here he barely bats an eye. I get it was a scene framed to lift Lance, but it felt extremely ooc for Shiro to not at least try to help. *Ezor and Zethrid’s relationship being honestly way more explicitly stated than Shiro and Adam’s (which was the relationship hailed as the big lgbtq+ rep for this season). No, they definitely didn’t need to get back together for Shiro to still be considered lgbtq+ rep -you don’t need a partner to be lgbtq+! But when you wave a specific relationship around as a big banner of glorious lgbtq+ rep to come and then barely even hint at it in the show... well... not so much of a rep then, is it? *Not showing Shiro in that worldwide message of ‘these are our beloved brave heroes from Earth’. Like, this boy was kidnapped by aliens, spent a year being tortured, brainwashed, cloned, dismembered, pretty much violated in every concievable way, then immediately after escaping (with a shitload of PTSD in the baggage) he was sent back out into space and chosen to lead some war against seemingly impossible odds, a war that really wasn’t his war to fight, a war he still fought bravely and selflessly despite his physical and mental issues, a war he died in, but meh I guess he wasn’t worthy of mention. (And I don’t know why Keef wasn’t mentioned either, but maybe being half Galra makes you too much alien to be considered part of the world you were born and grew up in *heavy sarcasm*). *Shiro’s bond with the Black Lion and his role as the Black Paladin being pretty much erased/retconned -it’s like Keef gets to sit his ass comfortably down in the seat Shiro shed blood sweat and tears for and struggled so hard for, easily just gliding along on what Shiro has paved the road for but without acknowledging the huge role Shiro had in it all. Shiro was the one who brought out the wings for Keef in the end of the last season because Keef was unable to do it himself, because Keef had never bonded with her the way Shiro did -Shiro and the Black Lion found and saved each other in so many ways, and the Black Lion loved Shiro so much she saved his ‘essence’ inside herself, yet now we’re supposed to just accept that Shiro is old news and no longer worthy of being considered part of the ‘mighty Paladins of Voltron’. Myeah, did not like the feeling I got of this saturating this entire season. Keef can still be a big hero -or even your new main character- without grinding Shiro down into the dirt on the way. *That arm... it’s so big and clumsy-looking it makes him look weirdly lopsided. The comically large arm works for Sendak, considering his ‘evil sadist who loves crushing people with his alien prosthetic’ shtick, but for Shiro it just looks too big to be practical. If it was intentionally meant to imply that Allura just grabbed a prosthetic modelled after someone bigger than Shiro and remade it, and that’s why it’s so big on Shiro, that’s fine. But it feels impractical for anything other than fighting evil alien generals. *Shiro not getting to fulfil his arc as the abused victim and underdog by overcoming and defeating the evils pushing him down, but instead being forced to take the backset to a character forced into a leadership role for what seems like nothing more than a desperate clinging to nostalgia. It is mindboggling that everything Shiro has worked so incredibly hard for, everything he’s struggled and fought for is being taken from him and he’s supposed to be satisfied with a consolation prize. Yeah, Shiro going full Magical Girl Princess was amazing but he didn’t even get to deliver the final blow in any fight -not even his personal fight with Sendak- because apparently Shiro is not allowed any victories at all. *The whole sense of Shiro being punished for choosing his life’s dream over becoming the obedient house wife of his ex -he had only a short few years left to fulfil his dreams, and yet he’s painted as the bad guy for ‘abandoning’ his boyfriend (who was the one that left Shiro, actually). Yes, Adam had the right to choose to not want to separate for so long -during what was likely the last few years Shiro had enough mobility to do all the fun things couples dream of doing together- he had the right to say ‘I’m sorry but I can’t put my life on hold, and I wasn’t really prepared to go straight to caring for someone with a debilitating disease without a few more years of fun in between, I want to break up’. That still doesn’t make Shiro’s choice to follow his dreams any less valid than Adam’s choice to not wait for him. I bet Adam had an exciting bucket list waiting to start ticking off as a consolation when Shiro was denied the role of pilot for the Kerberos mission -I doubt he’d expected Shiro to actually be allowed to go and that probably seriously stumped him- but it’s incredibly cruel and selfish (and ableist) to expect a person to sacrifice their last few years of being able to fulfil their dreams just so their able-bodied partner can fulfil their small dreams and wishes of things they want to do for the last few of that person’s fully mobile years. And yet everything about Shiro’s arc paints a very very grim and ableist story of ‘you chose your own dreams over bending to your partner’s will, now let us show you what a horrible decision that was by torturing you relentlessly throughout the rest of this series without ever letting up. You will never be allowed happiness again because this is your punishment.’ I agree with other people that the way Shiro’s been treated throughout this series -constantly tormented without ever getting a single break or getting a real chance to fight and overcome his demons- seems way too much like torture porn. *The feeling that Shiro’s Magical Girl Moment was only there to blind us to the fact that him being probably the only one able to transform the Atlas means he’ll be conveniently grounded next season, forced to stay on Earth to ‘protect his home’ while the rest of them get to go off being the ‘amazing Defenders of the Universe’, leaving both Shiro and his legacy behind, unsung. I hope I’m wrong, but I get an overwhelming feeling that Shiro is being pushed into the background because they never intended for him to be the hero of the series but by the time they realised that’s exactly what they’d created with him it was too late to take it back, so now they’re trying their hardest to push him back into some mentor/backseat role in a sneaky enough way that they hope people won’t notice because they’ll be dazzled by the shine of his ‘new role’. ... Things that made me happy/excited/pleased: *The animation level. I mean holy mamacita Shiro is so beautiful he glows in like every single frame. *HUNK. Love this big gentle boy and love that he got to show more of who he is and what he has to give this season. *Seeing the families we’ve heard so much of. Seeing them reunited. Seeing flashbacks to happier times with the families. *Pidge finally getting her entire family back together. *The designs of all the alien/Earth tech. Gorgeous. *The design of some of the new characters <3 *So many new Galra characters with faces and personalities even if we only saw them for a few seconds. *All the ‘Earth preparing for alien invasion’ scenes/episodes. *Finally getting to know more about Iverson and who he is as a person. *Sam and Colleen. *Shiro being the new Princess of the new Castle ship. *Shiro fucking transcending being the Princess and transforming the entire Castle ship Atlas into a new Voltron type battle robot. *The Atlas being this beefy paladin type knight on top but t h i c c femme legs on tippy toes/high heels on the bottom. 10/10 what a beauty. *White Lion Shiro... I mean, I’m certainly not the only one thinking it, right? *Just Shiro. Wow. What a strong, beautiful, good person who cares about everybody else above himself. Someone give this poor traumatised boy hero a fucking vacation with the softest bed surrounded by therapy animals. Perfect cinnamonroll too pure for this world. *Shiro fighting Sendak hand-to-hand on top of a fucking space ship free-falling (read: CRASHING) to Earth instead of trying to escape I mean this boy *Keef fucking anime-slicing Sendak in twaine for daring to try to hurt the person he loves like a brother (bloodless and nice for the young’uns of course, but still). *Hunk carrying Shiro. *@ anyone claiming Lance ‘never gets screentime or development’ -fuck you. Look at this brave, strong boy who started out as a self-centered antagonistic jerk yet has grown into such a good and mature person. I may loathe the Lance I see portrayed in the fandom, but in the show he’s still such a good character. *Coran, Coran, the gorgeous man <3 *The mice and Kosmo the space wolf for MVP *Kaltenecker, most chill character in the entire universe. *Shiro’s prosthetic not being attached -at first I was like ‘noooo’, but then I realised... fuck yeah this is exactly what people in fandom need to stop erasing disabled characters. It is way too common for people in fandoms to claim that a person having any kind of high-tech or magical prosthetic that makes their disability less visible (For example Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist) isn’t actually disabled at all ‘because it’s like they have normal limbs’. Having a prosthetic arm that has a big void between itself and the shoulder attachment makes it impossible to ignore the fact that Shiro is missing a whole arm. (And maybe, just maybe, people will finally stop with the shitty ‘he’s got a full sleeve of tattoos instead of a missing arm in this AU fanfic because erasing disabilities is super cool’ trope.) *The entire Shiro/Atlas transformation scene -ugh so beautiful <3 ... Phew, that got long! (=A=;;) I’ve probably forgotten a lot of things -but it’s been a few days since I watched it so it isn’t as fresh in my mind as I’d have liked, however I don’t have the time to rewatch it right now to refresh my memory so it’ll have to do. These are just my personal thoughts -things I found negative might be things someone else found positive, and things I found positive might be things someone else found negative. This isn’t meant to be a debate or attack -just a way for me to put my thoughts down and remember them for the future. And one last thing -please remember to be kind to each other -and don’t go attacking cast or crew -most of them have no real say in what happens on the show anyway, and harrassing and threatening castmembers to the point where they’re scared to even show up at cons is not the way to make the higher-ups listen to your complaints -however legitimate they might be. Now I guess we’ll just have to brace ourselves for season 8...

#voltron spoilers #both negative and positive thoughts on this season #voltron season 7 #takashi shirogane

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tomeandflickcorner · 6 years ago

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Bonus- Star Wars Re-Watch notes

As a follow-up to the Star Wars reviews I’ve been posting for the past few weeks, I decided to post the notes I made during my re-watches for the movies. The only movie that isn’t included among these notes will be the ones for Solo. That’s because I wasn’t able to take notes in the thearte.

Hope you enjoy

Phantom Menace notes-

• I wonder if they’ll ever change the logo to 21st Century Fox. • So this all started with the debate on taxation for intergalactic trades? Why does this remind me of how the revolutionary war started? • Hah. Female C3PO. • Why is that catchphrase mostly associated with Han when everybody has had a chance saying it? • If they didn’t want them to be recognized as Jedi, why wouldn’t they go in disguise? • RIP, random unnamed people. • Force Power = Holding your breath for an extended period of time? • Hate to break it to you, Amadala, but I don’t think they’re interested in a peaceful negotiations. • Hi, Jar Jar! • Love that line, Qui Gon. • So, they just happen to be carrying underwater breathing apparatuses? • If it’s that easy to enter the bubble houses, do many fishes accidently end up in there? • Oh, I love the elaborate fauna that exists in this world! • Did he just knock Jar Jar out with the Force? • How did the Queen manage to change clothes so quickly with the invasion going on? • I’m no expert, but I don’t think a contract is legal if it’s signed under duress. • Haha. I gotta admit, I love that droid’s sass. • Surprised no one got grazed with all the gunfire. • Hi, R2! • That was a lucky shot. • R2 was catty even back then. • Of course everyone was blown up except for R2. • Lesser of two evils, I guess. Reminds me of that scene from Avatar: The Last Airbender. When Zuko and Iroh were trying to decide if they should risk getting caught by Azula or venture into the Earth Kindgom where they were considered enemies. • What’s Darth Maul’s story? • So, what’s the relationship between Naboo people and the Gungans? Do they normally remain segregated? • Why would R2 be going with them? • Has Anakin never seen a young girl before? • So Watto’s species is naturally smarter than Gungans? • Why would Jar Jar think that a good idea? Do they not have merchants in Gungan City? • Wait. So….they can’t send transmissions, but they can receive them without an issue? • How can a protocol droid help his mom? Especially since she’s a slave? • Also, how would Anakin have the time and resources to build one? • Revenge for what? • So you’re saying only Force-sensitive people can participate in Pod Races? Or are humans usually less agile than other species? • Hang on. So Watto enters this kid into the Pod Races, but he won’t let him build his own racer? • Great, a Jesus kid. • So, only Padmé cares enough to help free him from the jet engine thing? • How’d he get cut again? • Ah, the Midichlorian thing. • So, has Darth Maul been visiting every planet systematically? • So, who’s Ani’s friend? Why would he have come to the race when the other kids didn’t? • So. I’m guessing the main languages of Tattoine are Huttanese and Basic? • Hmm. Are those flags representing the racers’ native planets? • What a dirty cheater! He’s that threatened by this one kid, or is doing that to all the other racers? • Who’s the other Hutt with Jabba? • And now we commence with the boredom. • Wait, was that Willow? • The Tuskin Raiders must be pretty bored to be waiting around to shoot at the racers. • What exactly is the route for this race? • Did he just Force Command that loose bit of pipe? • Well, that backfired on Sebulba. • JAWAS! • The Hutts must be pretty scary, if the threat of going to them is enough to get Watto to relent. • What kind of undershirt is that, anyway? It looks like it’s made of sticks • Why were they running? Did they know they were being chased? • Another small hint of who Padmé really is. • Why would she need to remember him? Was it specifically stated they’d be parting ways? • You’ve known each other for three days. Why would they care for each other already? • Did Jar Jar just comment on the Queen’s attractiveness? • Another costume change? • I like Mace Windu. There’s just something about him that puts you at ease. • He’s not as awesome as Yoda, though. • Is that Padmé or the decoy? • How old do you have to be to become a Jedi? Do you have to be a toddler? • Never understood how fear could lead to anger. Like, what if you’re afraid of leeches? Or Vermicious Knids? How would that fear lead to anger? • Awww. They should have gone with Bali of Alderaan. He’s a cool guy! • So, is Palpatine a native of Naboo? • Oh, is this where Obi Wan got the whole Point of View thing from? • How many times does this Queen change outfits? • What a twist! • So, the Gungans are basically canon fodder? • Is that the same technology they used to make the bubble city? What exactly keeps the blaster fire out but lets actual people in? • Is that really the best hiding place Anakin could find? • Yeah, ‘I’ll try to override it,’ he says. While reaching for the helmet. He’s totally doing this on purpose. • Who keeps designing these places with walkways over gaping pits? And not including railings? Seems like a pretty stupid architectural flaw. • Yeah, but you can still go back to the planet while staying in the cockpit. Just saying • What’s the purpose of these timed forcefields in this room? Why were they installed in the first place? • What’s that supposed to do, dude? • Yeah, that’s a death. • Why do we never see blood in these movies? • And of course the camera focuses on him when that question is asked. • What exactly is that static light ball?

Attack of the Clones Notes-

• So, basically, a bunch of planets are declaring themselves independent from the Republic? Why does this sound like how America declared independence from Britain? • Hi, R2! • Wow! Spoke too soon, dude! • Ah, so Padmé is still using decoys. RIP, Decoy Lady. • Hmm. Is Yoda suspicious of him? That look he gave Palpatine just now… • So it’s been ten years since Phantom Menace? • Oh, Anakin. Stop flirting with her. • Um…it might not be a smart idea to have this argument in front of them? Just a suggestion. • Anakin’s attraction to Padmé seems very creepy to me. He met her when he was nine. And they haven’t spoken since then. That’s not love, that’s obsession. • How’s that for a wake-up call? • Haha. ‘You’ll be the death of me.’ Nice foreshadowing, movie. • The Death Sticks scene. Classic. • Yeah, Jedi Masters. I respect you and all. But it’s probably a bad idea to send the hormonal 19 year old to act as bodyguard to his crush. • Shut up, Anakin. You could use a healthy dose of humility. • You’re not grown up! You’re 19 years old! Talk to me in 10 more years. • So, what’s the story behind Obi-Wan’s friendship with this Dax character? • Wait. If Droids could think? Is Obi-Wan racist against Droids? • Was that a sex joke? • Well, aren’t we overly confident, Librarian Lady? • Wow. Seems like everyone is racist against Droids. • Yoda, I love you. • So they really needed a kid to point out that the information about this planet was erased from the archives? That doesn’t say much for the adults in the Jedi order. • So on Naboo, the Queen is more of a president? Serving a few terms and then stepping down to allow a new ruler step in? • Is this the new Queen of Naboo? • Oh, Anakin. Shut up. You’re kinda unlikable. • That’s right, Obi-Wan. Play along. Don’t let them know you’re completely in the dark. • Padmé, how can you be seriously charmed by him? He’s being really creepy. • Ah. A bounty hunter is here. And you’re looking for a bounty hunter. Coincidence? • Suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that these clones look like Stormtroopers? • Are they really swapping first kiss stories? • You’re talking about a dictatorship. • And Padmé is on the same page as me. • PADMÉ! THE WARNING BELLS AREN’T GOING OFF IN YOUR HEAD AFTER THAT REMARK?! HOW TIGHT IS THAT BRAID OF YOURS? I THINK IT’S CUTTING OFF THE BLOODFLOW TO YOUR BRAIN! • Yep. There’s the bounty hunter’s armor. • Am I supposed to ship these two? Cause I really don’t. • So. This order was made ten years ago. Right after the end of the last movie, perhaps? • You’re telling me that Anakin never was allowed to visit his mother at all in the past 10 years? I know Jedi mandate means you have to let go of your past, but come on. • Hello again, Watto. • Saturn Planet! Saturn is my favorite planet. • Baby Boba Fett is a very violent child. Laughing when he thinks his father just killed a Jedi. • Who finished building C3-PO? • Ah. Young Owen and Beru. • Why exactly would Tuskin Raiders abduct a woman? For what purpose? • Padmé is still changing her wardrobe in every single scene. Where does she get all her clothes? Does she have a team of seamstresses following her everywhere and making these things for her? • Cameo of the Jawas. • So these are the Separatists. • Oh, of course she doesn’t die until right after Anakin gets there. • Ooooh. Darth Vader theme. • Anakin, everything must die someday. It’s the natural order of things. • Sooo…..no concern over how he just confessed to committing genocide, Padmé? • Who do the other two graves belong to? • So it’s Padmé’s fault Anakin is defying the Jedi Council. • So Count Duku was the Jedi who taught Qui-Gon? • Well, the Jedi didn’t sense Darth Maul before he appeared before them. So it’s not that impossible that Darth Sidious eluded detection, too. Just saying. • So, what does Yoda think about Palpatine getting these supreme powers? • At least the décor for this epic battle scene makes sense. They’re in a robot manufacturing factory. • R2 can fly now? When did that become a thing? • How do you know R2 is always getting into trouble, 3PO? You’ve spent next to no amount of time with him outside of Tatooine. • You cut that a little close, R2. • Gotta admit. First time I saw this movie, I thought this was going to be how Anakin lost his hand. • Wow. So, we’re about to die. Now will be the perfect time to admit I’ve been falling in love with your creepy, obsessive personality. • Obi-Wan’s sass is delightful. • Oh, I LOVE the creatures in this world! And I really want a pet Nexu. • Smart move, Padmé. • Another Force Power- the ability to tame animals. Awesome. • Mace Windu is awesome. • Ouch! Yeah, that’ll leave a mark! • 3PO really is pointless. • Perfect timing, Yoda. You’re the best. • Um… Is Daddy Bounty Hunter’s head still inside his helmet? Baby Boba Fett is going to have quite the job scrubbing the blood off the interior • Death Star blueprints! • Does Yoda sense something? • You kinda asked for that, Anakin. Only fools rush in. • Why do they never bleed when they lose a limb? • YEAH! GO YODA! • So Yoda taught Dooku, who taught Qui-Gon, who taught Obi-Wan. • And Dooku escapes, despite everyone’s best efforts. • Imperial March theme! • Still don’t get why Padme fell for this creep.

Clone Wars notes-

• Ha! Text crawl! • Oh, no text crawl • What is this? A documentary announcer? • Jabba the Hutt has a son? • Why is it always Obi-Wan and Anakin? Oh, right- they’re the main characters. • What was it Mace Windu said about Jedi? That they were keepers of the peace and not soldiers? That’s sure changed. Obi-Wan is a general now. • Wait. Did Obi-Wan say he got a new Padawan? I thought you could only have one Padawan at a time. That’s what they said in Phantom Menace. Isn’t Anakin still Obi-Wan’s Padawan? • Wait, she’s Anakin’s Padawan? How? I thought only Jedi Masters could train Padawans. Since when is Anakin a Jedi Master? • How old is Ahsoka Tano supposed to be? Anakin is saying she’s too young to be a Padawan. But he was nine when he started training under Obi-Wan. • Jedi don’t run? That seems like a dumb rule? • Oh, Obi-Wan. You’re kinda extra, aren’t you? • How does it feel to deal with such an impulsive, headstrong Padawan, Anakin? Now you know how Obi-Wan felt. • I just noticed. Since when does Anakin have a purple lightsaber? Yeah, his lightsaber broke in Attack of the Clones, but….didn’t he have a blue one in Revenge of the Sith? • And Anakin is still a jerk. • Does Anakin have a grudge against the Hutts? Considering he lived on Tatooine…. • Wow. That’s brutal! • Hmm... I kinda like this background music. • Aw, a Pink Astromech droid with R2? I ship it! • Too bad you never learned the lesson about humility, Anakin. • Is the protocol Droid Jabba’s utilizing the one we saw being ripped apart in Return of the Jedi? • So who’s this lady? • We still have an hour left? What more is there to say? They found the Baby Hutt. • Oh, that’s a diabolical move, Dooku. Framing the Jedi for the son’s kidnapping. • Does Baby Hutt speak yet? If so, he’d be able to set the record straight to his father. • Wilhelm Scream! • Why does he call her Snips? I think I missed the reasoning for that nickname. • Props to this guy. That was a brave move. • Do they know Mystery Lady? • Captain Rex is pretty cool. • I guess Baby Hutt physiological system isn’t compatible to this planet. Is that why he’s sick? • Seriously, who is this Vestris person? • Okay, I know the Soldier Droids are the bad guys, but they’re hilarious. • RIP to those guys. • Well, that some getaway. • Wow, she’d make a good babysitter. • Ohhhh. He was remembering how the Tuskin Raiders killed Shmi, wasn’t he? • Wow. So you’re claiming that Baby Hutt is dead now? You’re gonna look mighty silly when he shows up alive and well. • Oh, hi, Padmé. I didn’t think you’d appear in this movie. • Did R2 complain like that the first time he went to Tatooine? Just saying, he’s been there twice before. By now, you’d think he’d be used to it. • Wow! They’re playing a different song? • Hey, who’s this voice actor? He sounds familiar. • Well, that didn’t accomplish anything. • Oh, don’t get Anakin started on sand, Ahsoka. • Ah, maybe that scene wasn’t so pointless. • Oh. Uncle Hutt is helping Dooku. Now it makes sense. • How are you going to get out of this one, Padmé? • Hehe. I like Baby Hutt. • Ah. So 3PO now hangs around with Padmé the way R2 hangs around with Anakin. I find that interesting since 3PO later sticks with their daughter and R2 is closest to the son. • I knew it! He sent Ahsoka ahead with Baby Hutt. • R2, I think Ahsoka could use a little bit of help. • Oh, I was gonna say. I didn’t think 3PO would have come here on his own. • Doesn’t Anakin speak Huttnese? Why didn’t he react until after the translation? • Kinda ironic. Anakin helps save Jabba’s son, and Anakin’s daughter will eventually kill Jabba.

Revenge of the Sith notes-

• Huh. Another kidnapping plot • Kinda like how Obi-Wan has kept R4 as his signature Droid. • Um… you might want to keep it down, Obi-Wan. R2 is still in enemy territory. • Why is Anakin listening to him? The fact that he’s ordering the death of someone without a trial isn’t very befitting of someone who claims to be a fan of democracy • Again with the Tusken Raider sounds. • Why isn’t Palpatine’s attitude making Anakin suspicious? • Wilhelm Scream! • Well, that was a conveniently placed open door in the elevator shaft. • Where did this Grievous guy come from, anyway? They pretty much introduce him out of nowhere. • I just thought. Where did R4 go? Did I miss that? • Oh, I guess she was destroyed during that gunfight. Shame. • Didn’t Obi-Wan try to discourage Anakin from getting too chummy with the politicians? What changed his mind? • Okay, I don’t ship these two, but I admit. I can appreciate the situation they’ve found themselves in with this pregnancy • Ugh. This sappy dialogue. Gag. • So Padmé is planning to go in ‘vacation’ for a few months? • Wise words from Yoda. Shame he wasn’t there after Shmi died. • Again, why isn’t Anakin’s attitude about less democracy causing more concern? • Since when does Palpatine need to be represented on the Jedi Council? • Yeah, Anakin isn’t a Jedi Master. So why was he given a Padawan in the Clone Wars series? • Can we get that story? The one that shows how Yoda is on good relations with the Wookiees? • It’s treason to spy on the Chancellor? Well, wasn’t he basically asking you to spy on the Jedi Council? • Oh, he’s a good man, is he? Yeah, he only told you to kill Count Dooku in cold blood and then expected you to leave Obi-Wan to die. Yeah, he sounds LOVELY. • Oh, NOW you’ve considered the possibility that you misinterpreted the prophecy? • I like how Padmé is also having her doubts. Because the Republic has become more of a dictatorship than a democracy. • And no one is going to point out how that statement about being unable to let go of their power might apply to this guy? The one who stayed in office longer than he was supposed to? • That sounds horrible. Preventing people from dying. • Let me guess. You were that apprentice, weren’t you? • Ugh. The Wookiee roars. • Was that a Tarzan yell? • Does Obi-Wan know they’re secretly married? • Dracula alien? • Oh, I want one! I want the bird lizard! • Nice. Four lightsabers. • What was up with the camera zoom into the eyes? Never do that again, movie! • Okay, so Palpatine isn’t even pretending he hasn’t studied the Force anymore. • Oh. That was….a bit anti-climactic. • Okay, Anakin is doing the right thing here, reporting to Mace Windu. • Can they sense each other? Is that’s what they’re trying to convey? • Welp, RIP to those guys. • Aw. I liked Windu. Booo. • Awww. Yoda is sensing this. • Really hope Lizard Birdie survived that fall. He seemed so nice! • Yep. Yoda is really feeling it now! • Sorry, dude. Yoda doesn’t go down that easily. • Oh, hi Bail! Did Padmé send you? • Shame this kid didn’t make it. He had guts, taking them all on at once. • So Chewbacca was around even back then. I wonder what a Wookiee’s lifespan is. • Hey, don’t leave out the fact that the Chancellor is a Sith! • Great line from Padmé. • Yoda’s already checked the security footage, hasn’t he? • I really get the feeling Obi-Wan already knew they married in secret. • Oh, so NOW she’s hearing the things he’s saying. • YEAH! I love Yoda! He’s awesome! • Okay, this scene is pretty heartbreaking, I will admit. • So, how far along is Padmé supposed to be? If Padmé is visibly pregnant, did anyone ever wonder who the father was? • Yeek, Anakin is a stubborn one. Burned alive and he hasn’t died yet? • Hi, Luke and Leia. • Nice POV shot there. • RIP, Padmé. • Oh, NOW you care about Padmé? Didn’t seem that way when you were keeping her in a Force Chokehold • Okay, I get why they want to keep the twins hidden, but…. isn’t that kind of obvious, to send Baby Luke to his father’s stepbrother? Granted they only met once, but…..you’d think that would be an obvious place. • So R2 didn’t get his memory erased. Meaning he remembers ALL of this! • Awesome how they’re playing everyone’s theme songs over this sequence. • And I love this final shot. Great way to end it.

Rouge One notes-

• Planet! • A Saturn-like planet! • I can’t remember. Do they ever explain the significance of that crystal pendant? • Okay, I get that Lyra loves her husband and all, but why would she run out like that? It seemed like they had this whole escape plan worked out. Besides, she had a responsibility to be there for her child. • Well, I guess she figured this bloke would be there to step in, but still! • And now Jyn is in jail. For what, exactly? • Ring of Kafrene. This trading post place is on an asteroid, from the looks of it. How do they maintain a breathable atmosphere? • Kyber Crystals? • Well, that was kinda a jerk move. • This planet is called Jedha? Is the fact that it kinda sounds like Jedi relevant. Based on that fallen statue, was this the site of a sacred Jedi temple? • I wonder what these other guys’ stories are…? • Okay, so they came here specifically to get Jyn? How did they know she was there? • Hi, K2S0! • So this is Yaven 4, right? • Wow, they got a good replacement for Mon Motha. She looks just like the original actress! • Bail Organa! Why did they give you the Luke theme just now? • And was that the other Rebel leader? The one who briefs everyone before the battle of the First Death Star? • Hi, Tarkin. RIP, Peter Cushing. • Ah, so this is the site of an old Jedi temple? • Okay, but what do you plan to do when you find out that he’s not lying, dude? • Hey, those are the guys from Mos Eisley! Are they currently on their way to Tatooine? Considering what happens to this planet in a couple hours…. • So, what’s this guy’s story? I get he was once a guardian of the Jedi Temple, but….was he Force Sensitive but just didn’t have a Jedi to train him? Because I’m guessing he sees through the Force. • Where’d she learn to fight like that? • Nice fake out. • Seriously, you can’t tell me this guy isn’t Force Sensitive! • Really wish we learned out how these two guys met. • Haha! ‘Are you kidding me? I’m blind!’ I love the humor in this movie. • Okay, I get you were trying to keep her safe. But it was a jerk move that you went about it that way. You could have at least been honest about why you were sending her away. • So, according to this movie, the Death Star has a ‘volume’ button of sorts. • I’m guessing these six are the only people who made it out of the area alive? • I wonder. Did Yoda and Obi-Wan sense this event through the Force? • Ah, can’t do it, can you? • Dude! That was uncalled for! He just told you they had nothing to do with it! • How was this guy not initiated into the Jedi order? • This is actually pretty good social commentary on what war does to soldiers, and the dangers of following orders blindly. • Does Vader live on Mustafar now? You’d think he’d prefer to keep off this planet considering he believes this is where Padmé died. • Okay, I’m a bit confused. They want to keep the Death Star a secret. So how was it a good idea to destroy an entire planet roughly a week later? • Well, you’ve done a 180, Jyn. Just a short time ago, you were content to just live with your head in the sand. • Aw, Bail Organa. Wanting to contact Obi Wan again. Shame you had to remain on Alderaan. • Hehe. ‘Are we blind?!’ • Probably a weird thing to comment on, but why do only the Imperials have Mouse Droids? Why doesn’t the Rebellion have any? • Maybe because you’re a blabbermouth, 3PO? • Nice that their arc has been completed; her giving him the blaster. • Gotta say, Cassian. That was pretty stupid, calling him on the comlink at that precise moment. If he closed the door, don’t you think there might have been a good reason? • Hyperspace Tracking? Really? If they had eliminated that file when they did…. • Then again, there’s probably a copy on another planet. Considering this base will be destroyed in a few minutes….. • RIP, K2-SO. You were the best. • Same to you, Chirrut. • That thing was straight out of a video game! • Wow, that IS a cool move! • That’s one chilling image. • Kinda satisfying that this punk can see his death coming. • So, I’m a bit confused. Was Leia among the ships converging around Scarif? I thought she was supposed to go fetch Obi-Wan. Did she just decide to take a detour first?

A New Hope notes-

• This text crawl is even cooler now that we know the details of Rouge One. • Wait, this text says Leia is heading home. But wasn’t she going to Tatooine to fetch Obi-Wan? Though I realize George Lucas hadn’t ironed out the details yet. • Always wondered what the story was with that other Protocol Droid. The White 3PO. • How were they not hit while crossing the hallway? • Wasn’t R2 just with 3PO? How’d he manage to distance himself long enough to meet up with Leia? • Hey, they mentioned the mines on Kessel! • What kind of insult was that? What part of his statement warranted calling him a philosopher? • Pretty ballsy of Leia there, considering her ship just left Scarif. • Oh, shut up, 3PO. You haven’t even traveled that far. • Eh, forget about him, R2. You don’t need that whiny prissy pants. He’s useless. • Jawas! You know, I kinda wonder what they look like without those cloaks. • Well, that’s a convenient coincidence that they were both picked up by the same Jawas, despite going in different directions. • How does 3PO not know Leia? Is the restraining bolt altering his memory? • And how would you know that, Beru? Didn’t you only meet Anakin once in your life? • I never noticed how odd these scene transitions were. • What kind of a noise was that? • What? Since when did Anakin make any mention about wanting his son to have his old lightsaber? • So Palpatine has eliminated the Senate altogether? • Wait, he constructed it? I thought the credit to that went to Galen and Krennic? Who’s this clown? • Isn’t the Death Star already operational? • Yeah, so dangerous I won’t even bother going with you to assist you with my considerable powers. • Never quite understood what that orb thing was supposed to do. • I just thought. Why did Luke not know about the Force until Obi-Wan told him when practically everyone else had a conscious knowledge of it? Did his uncle purposely keep him in the dark? • So, what was this guy’s problem? And how did they get off Jedha before it went boom? • Corillia mention. Kinda cool how that ended up being Han’s home planet. • So the orb was a mind probe? • This scene seems pointless. Didn’t the Greedo scene cover all of this? Not to mention how Jabba is too small in comparison to how he looked in Return of the Jedi. • And it’s way too soon for Boba Fett to appear. • Didn’t they already buckle themselves in? Kinda silly that they unbuckled again to visit the cockpit. • Yeah…. Weren’t they supposed to keep the Death Star from being noticed? • I wonder if Obi-Wan sensed the destruction on Jedha and Scariff, too. • Isn’t the exact same way Chewbacca lost against Tobias? • Luke, you didn’t even hear about the Force until a few hours ago. • What was with that smile, Obi-Wan? Do you know something? • Heh. Vader starts gesturing AFTER he’s done talking. Bad dubbing work? • Interesting how everyone associated that statement with Han when everyone has said it. • Does Chewbacca know Obi-Wan was allies with Yoda? We did see him and Yoda were pals during the Clone Wars. • I want a mouse droid. • And Vader senses Obi-Wan’s presence. • How does Leia know Obi-Wan goes by Ben now? • Well, him and the Emperor….. Tarkin knows Palpatine can use the Force, too, right? • And Han just had to through in a loud yell as he jumped, didn’t he? • It’s just his imagination? Then what made that sound, genius? • I can’t believe that worked! Maybe it’s because of the whole Droid discrimination? • Huh. So those guys walking past in the background obviously have no peripheral vision. • Yeesh, Leia. Weren’t you on the Senate? I hope you didn’t insult all other non-humanoid species like that. • Wilhelm Scream! • So Luke just happens to have a tether cord on his belt? • Hey, who’s that other Astromech Droid? • This lightsaber battle is kinda boring when you remember their last battle had them surfing down a river of lava. • Does anyone else find it strange how Luke didn’t seem shocked by hearing Obi-Wan’s disembodied voice? • Heh. Gotta admire Leia’s decorum. She could have easily been all ‘oh, boo hoo, the guy you met yesterday died. It’s not as if your entire planet got blown up.’ • Big explosion for a one-man ship. • How on the world did you get all tangled up like that, 3PO? • Hey, don’t act like the Millennium Falcon can’t be tracked, Han. Enfrys Nest was able to track it, remember? • Didn’t you already know about the weak spot, Leia? Or are you still having doubts about Galen’s trustworthiness? • That was a pointless atmosphere shot. • Zebra Astromech Droid! • Kinda low-key disappointed we didn’t get a better idea of the friendship between Luke and this Biggs person. • Oh. Calling the fat guy Porkins. That was in poor taste. • Should have stayed on target. • Pride comes before a fall, Tarkin. • RIP, Biggs. We hadly knew thee. • I wonder when Vader starts to suspect that this might be his son….. • I wonder what made Han change his mind. Did he just decide he couldn’t ignore his conscience? • Did he just call her Carrie? • I wonder who loaned Luke that outfit, considering he only came here with the clothes on his back. • So why doesn’t Chewbacca get a metal, too? • And the movie tries to create tension by not revealing R2 is okay right away…..

Holiday Special notes-

• Pretty sure this opening text crawl was added in by Star Wars fans and wasn’t part of the original broadcast. • Jumping right into the action with Han and Chewbacca evading Star Destroyers. • This introduction segment makes it look like this is going to be a Star Wars-themed variety show. Well, if the shoe fits…. • I don’t remember most of these celebrities. • I want to know who decided against including subtitles in the scenes focusing on Chewbacca’s family. • Gotta say, it’s kinda hilarious. This is supposed to be a holiday. And they’re not letting the kid enjoy himself. • Wait. Do the Wookiees have garbage men on their planet? • Since when do they have cameras in the Star Wars universe that could enable them to have framed photographs? • Hey, the holographic chess board! • And the first pointless segment- Holographic acrobat parade. • And they’re giving the kid more chores. I thought it was a holiday on the Wookiee planet. Let the kid enjoy himself! • And Luke makes his cameo. • When did Luke meet these guys, anyway? And why does he have to do maintenance on his own ship? Doesn’t the Rebel Alliance have people for that? • Hey, if you’re not going to pay attention to R2’s warnings, you shouldn’t have asked him to keep an eye on the ship. • Well, that’s what you get for not listening to your Droid! • So….off-duty Imperials continue to wear their Imperial attire when they’re off the clock? • The Imperial guy couldn’t see right through that obviously coded message? • And they’re just recycling footage that never made it into the movie. • Okay, so are you going to stop forcing the kid to do chores? • Oh, no. We’re getting a cooking show now. • I wonder what the rates are for shipping Bantha meat to other planets. • Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir. WAAAAH! • How many arms does this cooking transgender lady have? • And back to Han and Chewbacca. • Now back to the Wookiees. • Why are you pronouncing Kashyyyk that way, guy? • Oh, it’s that merchant bloke. • Well, maybe they let you through because your ship wasn’t seen joining the attack against the Death Star. • Oh, goody! He got me something electrical that I have to put together myself! Exactly what every kid wants! • Oh, dear. This segment. • They were aware that kids would be watching this, right? I wonder how many parents went nuts and quickly changed the channel upon hearing what this woman was saying. • Is Grandpa Wookiee doing what I think he’s doing? • And she just starts singing. Well, I guess it’s better than the….alternative. They had to keep this Rated G, after all. • Oh, and we got Leia and 3PO. • How does everyone know Chewbacca’s family? • You can understand Chewbacca but not Mala? • Finally, 3PO is being useful! Too bad he couldn’t act as translator through the rest of the special • Even though I’ve just met you, old man, I trust you! • I notice they never really explain what Life Day is. • FAKE OUT! • Oh. The Nazi undertones are just seeping through the screen at this point. • And a Jefferson Starship music video. • And this is actually keeping the Imperials’ attention. • Well, then you’re a lousy general, guy. If you can’t always control your men…. • Wait. So you’re telling me someone makes animated cartoons about the members of the Rebel Alliance in this world? • Ah, a new planet. Pannah. • Is that the Purplesaurus Rex? • And Boba Fett • Who puts a sleeping virus on an amulet? And why were they after the amulet in the first place? • What, he can’t even watch his cartoons? • Well, this is convenient, that the Droids can intercept a transmission that’s being made miles away. • No, he’s not Vader’s right-hand man. He’s a bounty hunter. So Vader just hired him. • They have stuffed animals of Banthas in this universe? Wow. • Really? We get an instruction video now? • So this world has Droids and Androids? How come this is the only time we see an Android? • Maybe this is why. Androids keep malfunctioning and breaking down. • Ah, more recycled footage. • Is this really required viewing for all Imperials? • Hi, Bea Arthur. • Does this guy have a volcano in his head? • And he has six fingers. • Oh, this guy. Under normal circumstances, he’d be a bit of a jerk. He’s the guy who thinks the waitress/cashier/etc. is flirting with him by simply being friendly, as per her job’s requirements. • Is there really that much Rebel activity on Tatooine for them to impose a curfew on the whole planet? • Bea Arthur sings! • Oh. Volcano Head stayed! • Dang it, Kid! You can turn that thing off now! • Too late. • And he doesn’t immediately shoot the kid? • Ah, now Chewbacca and Han show up. • Wow, were Mama and Grandpa just standing around when Lumpy was being chased by the Stormtrooer? • Oh, this guy again. • What do you plan to do when they find the body? • What are they doing? • Now they’re in Snuggies? • Where are they? • Oh, no. It’s an entire Wookiee choir! • Wait, where did all of you guys come from!? • Han, didn’t you just go back to the Falcon? • Do the other Wookiees even know who these guys are? • Tree of Life? What are you….? • Oh. Carrie Fisher is singing. • Chewbacca looks dead! • And random footage from A New Hope, reminding us we could have been watching a better movie. • It’s still going? • Okay, Chewbaca. You and your family enjoy your invisible holiday dinner. • Finally! The end credits!

Empire Strikes Back notes-

• Yeah, the Yaven 4 base was probably compromised anyway, since Vader survived the battle. • Wait, why is Luke leading them now? Shouldn’t that be Leia’s job? • Ah, so Vader has figured out who Luke is, then? Wonder what tipped him off? Shame we couldn’t see his reaction to that. • Hmm. I wonder how Luke adjusted to being on this ice planet, considering he spent his entire life on a desert world. • Wow, Tauntan Creature. You couldn’t have warned him sooner? • I see you, movie, with you keep cutting to Leia so we can see her reaction to Han telling that other guy that he’s leaving. • Hehe. I wonder what all those other random people were thinking as they passed by. ‘Oh, boy, are those two at it again?’ • And when it comes to loyalty, Han gets top marks. • Well, that was convenient, that his lightsaber didn’t fall off before they reached the cave. • Didn’t Qui-Gon instruct you? Well, I guess Yoda technically instructed you, too, as he taught you about Force Ghosts. • Aw, it’s Rouge Two. *sniff* • So what earned this guy the prestige of being Rouge Two? • Ewwww. George Lucas did know about the twist involving these two by this point, didn’t he? If so, double ewwww. • Dang it, Chewbacca! Why’d you have to alert the Probe Droid to your presence? • What were you going to say, Luke? It looked like you were getting ready to say something. • So he can Force Choke Hold someone through a transmission. Wow, that’s actually impressive. • So it’s official now. R2 predominantly stays with Luke while 3PO is virtually claimed by Leia. Interesting how the twins claim the droid the parent of the same gender had. • How did the Falcon get this damaged in the first place? • Would have been nice if they were able to tell us what R2 was saying. Considering Basic uses a different alphabet. • I really do wonder if Han WAS secretly Force Sensitive . • Ah, our first hint of what Vader looks like without the helmet. • Yeah, you pretty much walked into that one, Leia. • Oh, and Tatooine wasn’t a strange place to find a Jedi Master? • So, obviously, Yoda knows who Luke is. Meaning he’s acting like this to get an idea of his true nature. But what about R2? Wouldn’t he be able to recognize Yoda? • Ah, unplanned L3 reference. • What was with that third hologram that fizzled out? Was the ship he was on that one that got hit? • Oh, was this how he figured it out? • Ah, Luke. You failed Yoda’s first test. • So….that means Mynocks were living in the Space Worm’s stomach? • Why are you taking the weapons? Yoda just told you that they weren’t needed. • So, obviously this was supposed to be symbolic of the fact that Luke could easily end up like Vader, but I wonder if it was also meant as deeper foreshadowing of who Vader really was…. • Hi, Boba Fett. • So, why exactly is Vader so interested in the Millennium Falcon? • Why does the Lightspeed feature still no work? • Dude, it was working!!! Why did you give up? • Seriously, Han is really proving how cleaver he is in this movie! • Ah, Boba Fett anticipated that maneuver. • So, have Han and Lando met since the events of Solo? • Yeah, another. That you didn’t bother to train at all. • I kinda like how we’re slowly but surely seeing Lando’s growing turmoil. A nice lead-up to his final turn to good. • I wonder. Does Vader recognize 3PO? • Hey! Someone actually installed railings! • Ice Cream Machine!!!! • So, was that a garbage chute? • What exactly is Luke hanging from? An anti-gravity device? • Well, he probably didn’t think you were ready to know, Luke. • Wonder how L3 feels about the Falcon being piloted by Lando again.

Return of the Jedi notes-

• The Empire really loves their Death Stars, don’t they? You’d think they would have decided to cut their losses. • Why no subtitles? • They really don’t tell 3PO anything, do they? • Oh, now they give us subtitles! • Wow, that scene was kinda dark. • Ugh, what is this song? What was wrong with the last one? Hasn’t Lucas heard that less is more? • Didn’t they say they were putting a restraining bolt on 3PO? • Hi, Lando! • So, with all the changes they made, they couldn’t make that effect look better? • How long were they waiting behind that curtain? • Yeah, how long has it been since the last movie? Luke’s strength in the Force seems to have gotten stronger. • I wonder. Does Jabba know he’s looking at the son of the Jedi who helped rescue his kidnapped son during the Clone Wars? • I wonder how long Lando was hiding out in this place. How many sacrifices to the Rancor has he seen? • Aw, I feel bad for the Rancor keeper. • Well, that was an unceremonious way for Boba to go out • Aw, I REALLY hope Max Rebo got off before that barge blew up! • How is his training now complete? Was he self-training between movies? • RIP, Yoda. • Oh, now he calls him Obi-Wan? After he repeatedly referred to him as Ben prior to this scene? • So why couldn’t they inform Luke of his sister before? I know they wanted to keep Leia’s identity a secret, but they could have mentioned a sister and introduced other potential candidates. • And Lando is a full-fledged Rebel, now? • Oh, Hi Mon Mothma! Where have you been hiding all this time? We’ve seen you helped found the Rebel Alliance with Bail Organa. So why are we only seeing her now? • So, what was with Han’s feeling? It’s not as if anything happens to the Millennium Falcon during the upcoming battle. • So Luke and Vader can sense each other’s presence, now? • This could be a good ride idea. Endor speeder bike tour! • And enter the Ewoks! • This is even cuter when you realize Wicket is roughly 6-years-old in Ewok years. • Of course you didn’t sense it, Emperor Palpatine. You underestimate the strength of family bonds. • What kind of animal was that? • Okay, I get the Ewoks have never seen a Droid before, but why do they think 3PO is a deity? • Hehe. Luke is so amused by this. • So, they plan on eating the guys, but Leia gets the guest of honor treatment? Odd. • I don’t get it. They think 3PO is a god, but they don’t listen when he tells them to release Luke, Han and Chewbacca? • Is 3PO giving a full recap of the last two movies? • How does Leia remember Padmé at all, considering she died when she and Luke were only a few minutes old? • Oh, you’ve always known, Leia? Then why were you kissing him in the last movie? • Well, would Padmé’s name hold meaning to you? • Bet that Ewok is having the time of his life! • Oh, Lando being clever and figuring it out! • Wow. That’s a lot of Imperials. • Really? They think it takes six troopers to capture one Droid? • And now that 3PO has served his purpose, he’s back to being useless and annoying • Ah, so Wedge is still around? Wonder why he didn’t play a bigger role in the movies other than one of the Rebel Pilots. • You’re telling me none of the retreating Imperials paid any mind to Luke dragging Vader along? • So, who repaired R2? • Ah, the new ending. • Okay, I’m totally okay with showing the other planets. But I do NOT LIKE this new ending music! Give me the Yub Nub song! • And get that Haden Christianson Anakin off my screen! Give me the original Sebastian Shaw Force Ghost!

Ewoks: Caravan of Courage notes-

• Oh, wow. The old logo for Lucasfilm! • And we have a narrator in this movie? • And there’s a troll. • Are those ponies? The Ewoks have Ponies, now? • With the narrator, this seems more like a nature documentary on Ewoks. • So this is Wicket’s family, then. He has a father, mother, two older brothers and a baby sibling. • They have goats, too? • Wait, the little girl is back at the ship? Then why couldn’t the parents find her before? • Haha. The Ewoks really don’t like male humans, do they? • Strange bonding scene between the girl and Wicket. • She just said she didn’t feel so good, Mace. I think it’s obvious she isn’t okay. • Ah, Ewok Slapstick. • Wait, so is this the Tree of Life they mentioned in the Holiday Special? • Mace, probably not a good idea to stick your hand into a strange hole in a tree on an unfamiliar planet. • Yep, that’s what you get! • And now we get a ferret? Why are all these Earth animals on Endor? • And now, Wicket is learning how to speak Basic? • Cindel, I know you’re a kid, but do the Ewoks look as if they have a starcruiser? • What do you mean, they’re just animals, Mace? This is the Star Wars universe. You must have seen other Alien species before. And the Ewoks are clearly sentient. • Was that a werewolf? • Mace, is it really smart to sneak out in the middle of the night? You know nothing about this moon, or what kind of nocturnal wildlife there is. • And now you’re building a fire? Wow, you’re dumb! • Finally! A strange Star Wars creature! Though the effects are laughable, compared to the Rancor. • And now the Ewoks are there? • So Lokrey the Shamin…can use magic? Magic exists in the Star Wars universe? Or is what they’re calling magic actually the Force? Can Ewoks be Force Sensitive? • The Giant Gorax, huh? • And the other Ewoks speak Basic now, too? How did they learn to speak Basic so well? • Okay, that was a nice moment. The Mama Ewok knowing her husband and sons are heading off on a journey they might not return from and reacting to it in an understandable way. • So we got Legendary Ewok Warriors, now? • So Deej and the two older brothers just get winged headdresses? What purpose would those serve? • Why do you think there’re stopping, Mace? They’re picking up their final band member. • Ah, a female Ewok. • So….what was this test supposed to do? The crystal turns into a lizard and then it’s a mouse? What did that mean? • And what’s the deal with this lake? How does it trap people below the surface? A little context would be nice, Narrator? • And we have a legion of Tinkerbells? • HAHA! I like that one Ewok. He just looks around at all the mayhem and decides to just go back to sleep. • So the fairy thing feeds on laughter? Is that what this supposed to convey? • That’s one powerful blaster to obliterate a rock. • Mace doesn’t recognize a spider web? • Okay, you destroyed the web. But how do you plan on getting back? • Did the spider survive the fall, or is this a different one? • So, two Ewoks weigh the same as a human? • Nice fake-out, movie. • Yeah, that’s right. You chopped down the spider web bridge. • So the Tinkerbell thing has a point in the movie. • Well, you got over your sorrow quickly, Mace. • Ah. So you’re all just going to Tarzan swing across the gorge? • Didn’t the rest of the Fairy Family get absorbed into the candle? • Ugh, what a sappy ending line from Mr. Narrator.

Battle for Endor notes-

• And we open on Cindel and Wicket • Hey, the principal from Breakfast Club! • And Wicket speaks fluent Basic now. • They have school in the Star Wars universe? • And we’re jumping right into the action. • She can turn into a crow? • She seems remarkably calm for someone whose mother and brother died. • Kid, your whole family is dead. I think it’s okay if you cry a little. • So the Ewoks are putting all their hope in Wicket and a 6-year-old? (I don’t know how old Wicket is in Ewok years, but I’m guessing he’s still a kid, too.) • And people say the Stormtroopers have horrible aim? • Um…. They’re not the least bit concerned by the pile of loose bones? • So you plan on catching the flying creature on a glider? • And they’re completely unharmed after crashing? At least have Cindel get some scrapes and abrasions. • And what is this guy supposed to be? • Cindel, you’re way too trusting. For all you know, this guy could be in league with the guys who killed your family. • Yes, this is a great idea. Go into someone’s house and immediately start snooping around. • Yeah, I get where this guy is coming from, but he’s not the least bit curious as to why this little kid is all alone? • Dude, they’re the ones who made the muffins! • Heh. He used reverse phycology just now, didn’t he? • Did I miss the part when they introduced that critter as Teek? • Well, we’re finally seeing Cindel experience some psychological scars. • So, I guess these guys don’t get how technology works and think it’s a magical talisman? • You can make a pie out of flowers? • Also, weren’t you going to go looking for where the Ewoks are being held? But instead, you go flower picking? • Noa, aren’t you the least bit concerned as to why they’re out in the woods without their parents? • Heh. Nice callback to the last movie. • And I guess Wicket has completely forgotten all about his family, and how they’re all probably being tortured and killed. • Okay, she can’t sing, but she’s only 6, so it’s okay. • And the Witch Lady found them? • Cindel’s the only one who hears the voice calling her name? • Oh. I hope that wasn’t a chamber pot. • Oh, now they hear the voice! • Again, Cindel is far too trusting. I know she’s a kid, but still. • Yeah, how do you explain technology to people who only know about magic? • What exactly was in that water? Alien Piranha? • Are they playing Sabbec? • Cindel! Don’t you know when to be quiet!? • Well, that was a clever stunt. • Heh. I see what you did there, movie. Nice continuity in hearing the guards crying out when he cut the rope. • Noa, I don’t think it’s your place to put Wicket in charge of the Ewoks. After all, his parents and brothers are probably there. • And the Ewoks now know how to use space cruiser guns? • Though I do like how the design of the gunner seats are similar to that of the Millennium Falcon. It finally feels like a Star Wars movie. • Ah. I guess that one is Deej. • Wow. Sword vs staff. • Though what is that head carving on Noa’s staff supposed to be? • Welp, that’s the end of that. • Oh, now Cindel is crying. She didn’t cry when her family were murdered, but she cries when she’s saying goodbye to Wicket? • So Teek lives with the Ewoks now?

The Force Awakens Notes-

• Yeah, that makes sense. Enough people looked at what the Empire did and said ‘yes, that was a brilliant idea!’ • Nice effect of the ship obscuring the planet there. • And there’s BB-8. • So, are we supposed to recognize this old man? • I almost commented on how this was the first time we saw blood in a Star Wars film, but I guess we kinda saw blood in A New Hope, when Obi Wan chopped off that guy’s arm. • So, what’s the story with this guy? I get the feeling he was an old friend of the family. Did he frequently have dinner with them? • I remember instantly liking this guy. It’s the first time we saw a Stormtrooper, or any member of the Empire, having a reaction to what they were doing. (Though the original Stormtroopers were all supposed to be clones of Jango Fett.) • So, was there a big battle on Jakku that we never knew about? Considering there are all these crashed Star Destroyers lying around. • Wow. That’s a really cool way to make food. • And an AT-AT Walker, too? What happened on this planet? • How do people understand the beeps and whistles? • Does Poe know who this guy really is? • I see you cleaned the blood off your helmet. • Think I heard a Wilhelm Scream! • So these guys were raised from infancy, I guess? Since they’ve only ever had numbers and not actual names. • I guess Luke’s name is even known throughout all of the First Order? • Were these the sinking sands that Rey was talking about? • I wonder how long he’s been walking through the desert. • Was there ever a headcount of how many applauded when the Millennium Falcon first appeared? • That was a risky maneuver! • Anger management, dude! • Also, I notice they mentioned the Falcon is a Corellian freighter. Not many people acknowledge that. • Hehe. The thumbs up from BB-8 • Hi, Han and Chewbacca! Long time, no see! • A Raptar? • Trillian Massacre? • Also, was there ever a book about how Han lost the Falcon? • Okay, cinematically, I get why these things didn’t eat Finn right away, but why didn’t he get eaten immediately like those other guys? • And they reveal who Kylo is in the middle of the film. • I think you impressed Han, Rey. • Heeee! The holographic chess board! • This looks like a nice planet to live on! • So he knows Finn isn’t really in the Resistance. • What do you mean, she’s an acquired taste? I loved Maz instantly! • Has nobody told this punk that Grandpa Anakin/Vader changed his mind and turned against the Dark Side? • So, what exactly triggers this vision of Rey’s? Is it the fact that Finn leaving is making her remember how she ended up on Jakku? • How did Maz find the lightsaber? Didn’t Luke lose it on Bespin? • They really love their Death Stars, don’t they? • Did Chewbacca ever use that thing before? • I think there was a book explaining the backstory between Finn and this other Stormtrooper. • Personally, I would have had the reveal that Poe survived be a bit more dramatic • So the Force can knock someone out now? • Ah, the Leia theme! • Oh, shut up, 3PO! • How long has it been since they saw each other? • Why were people apparently in an uproar over Leia not hugging Chewbacca? She just did! • Awww. I love the relationship between Poe and BB-8. • R2! • Who is this Snoke, anyway? • Bwaaahaahaa! Kylo’s actual face looks weird. This is the kind of face you’d think would be filled with acne. • I wonder what Rey’s Midichlorian count would be. • I LOVE THE STORMROOPERS’ REACTION!!!!! They’re like NOPE! • Hey, it’s Admiral Akbar! And is that Nien Nunb? • Heh. I kinda like how Han has become a believer in the Force. • Like that callback to A New Hope. • After all these years, they still use the same red alert sound? • When did Rey learn how to speak Wookiee? Is it just because of her heightened Force Sensitivity? • Okay, I know that one character is Carrie Fisher’s daughter. I wonder if she’ll play a larger role in Episode 9…. • Nice touch, showing Leia feeling Han’s death through the Force. • How exactly did they get ahead of them? • Interesting touch. When the two lightsabers touch, it turns purple. Nice attention to detail. • So now, the old Luke theme is Rey’s theme? • That’s cool, how she’s using the terrain in the fight. • Wait, why is the planet splitting apart again? • Oh, the fuel cells? Was that because of Chewbacca’s bombs? • So, what exactly triggered R2 to wake up? • Is that someone’s grave? Whose is it? • Hello, again, Luke!

The Last Jedi notes-

• The first time the Text Crawl is virtually pointless. Absolutely no time has passed since the last movie. • Heh. Is Poe just messing with him? Ah, yes he is. • Haha. Nice bit of humor with BB-8. • Okay, I get where Poe is coming from, but I think he’s letting his pride get the better of him here. • Yeah, they scored a victory, but at a cost. • Wow, that was an abrupt way to wake up from a coma. • Was nobody in the medical bay to stop Finn from walking around aimlessly? • Hahaha. • And the Porgs. • I just thought. What did Luke do with his ROTJ lightsaber? The one with the green blade? • Oh, is it inside the submerged X-Wing? • Did Luke not sense Han’s death? • Seriously, did no one tell this guy that Vader turned good in the end? • Well, if you didn’t want to be found, then who created the map? • Oh, is that where the blue milk comes from? These creatures? • That’s a big fish! • Is this the moment when Luke first realized Rey was Force Sensitive? • That’s a fair question, Luke. Your sister and everyone else deserves an explanation. • Admiral Akbar! • Well, they did foreshadow this in Rouge One. They had a file dedicated to Hyperspace Tracking in the Imperial database. • Oh, Leia and Kylo are sensing each other’s presence. • Mouse Droid! • Okay, this is an awkward scene, considering Carrie Fisher’s death. • Super Leia! • Haha! Chewbacca and the Porgs. • This is a nice reunion! • Love the callback! • So they killed Admiral Akbar off-screen? • I don’t like Holdo. • Okay, first time I saw this, I wondered if that bomber who sacrificed herself was Rose’s girlfriend or something. But they turned out to be sisters. • Hi, Maz. Bye Maz. • So they can communicate through the Force now? • I like the Caretaker Nuns. • Haha! Luke, you nerd! • So, this island has a similar area to that cave on Dagobah? • Oh, so that’s why he didn’t sense Han’s death, then? • That is a good question. • Oh! The rain crossed over! • Space horses! • Tragic backstory unlocked. • HAHAHA! • Luke does have a point. The Jedi Counsel overlooked quite a lot. • Wait, so this guy could open the cell door at any time? • I can’t be the only one who is reminded of Trico when I see these guys. • So you killed your father because he was holding you back? Is that what I’ve heard? • It’s like being in one of those mirrored elevators. • What is touching fingers supposed to do? • Yeesh. What a tangled web. • YODA! • Nice bit of wisdom from Yoda. • Wow, this movie is giving me whiplash. • Well, if they’d just TOLD HIM THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! • Okay, who even was Snoke? • Well, that was anti-climactic. • Dawww. I want a crystal fox! • Awww, I love Poe and BB-8’s bond. • Millennium Falcon! • Does Chewbacca keep that Porg? • He just said that, dude! • Well, okay for you, girl. But now everyone’s gonna die! • Okay, that scene is kinda hard to watch, considering…. • Haha. That was cool! • Oh, NOW you figure that out! • Oh, they’re both sensing Luke dying? • Didn’t they already meet? • And there are the Jedi texts. • So now what?

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#star wars rewatch #star wars prequels #star wars original trilogy #star wars new trilogy

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cece2046 · 7 years ago

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Close the Curtains - Chap 1

Thank you my beta @reynardinepttr! Sorry I'm shit at English apparently omg.

Teddy Lupin × Hermione Granger

FFN: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12748991/1/Close-the-Curtains

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12922338/chapters/29528235

@sissannis because... yeah.

I saw her and I said to James, “I’m in love.”

James was texting to Albus or Victoire or whichever cousin our twisted huge family has. He hummed. I waited. About ten text-sent pop sounds later, he jumped a bit and turned his eyes to me. “What?” he asked.

“I’m in love? That thing’s gonna get you killed you know, if you keep putting all your goddamn attention into it.”

James wasn’t having any of it. “You’re in love with who?”

“Whom,” I replied calmly. “With her.” I pointed to her as discreetly as I could manage.

James turned his head and let out a soft “whoa”.

I know. That’s what I felt several moments ago.

The thing about me that you have to know is, I’m a very calm person. You have to be if you want some degree of emotional privacy as a Metamorphmagus. You need to train yourself not to change your hair colour according to your favorite person in the vicinity. That’s very cute and all when you’re a baby. Still cute when you’re a kid, but once you step into teenage years, it becomes inconvenient when all you want is to “play it cool”, you know? And now I’m an adult, that’d be simply embarrassing.

I know my mum didn’t care about showing her emotional status for everyone not colourblind to see, according to hearsay from Harry or Ginny or Ron. But I’m not my mum. I’ve been told many times that my mum was a lot more chipper than me. I don’t know why they keep telling me that. Maybe they just want me to be happier by setting up a role model out of my late mother, as ridiculous as that sounds?

I sometimes think that even though I’m a Metamorphmagus like my mum, I’m more like my dad. Not that I know about him much, mind you, but a kid has a lot to think about when he’s an orphan yet at the same time he has thousands of family members. Have you seen the Weasleys? Honestly.

Anyway, I’m in love but I’m pretty sure that my expression didn’t change at all. Totally cool. This woman is gorgeous. Not in a super model way or something. She’s just so… I don’t know. I just can’t take my eyes off her. She’s different, like she knows a lot of things and has been to a lot of places, yet I can still picture her sitting next to the fireplace in the Burrow and drinking tea with a book on her lap. It’s unsettling, to be honest.

James is saying something.

I turned my eyes to him. “What did you just say?”

“She’s coming our way, mate.” James stuffed his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, seeming a little nervous, which is totally out of character for him.

She is coming our way. Yes she is. Suddenly I don’t know the purpose of my own hands anymore. Where should I put them? Why do I have them if I can’t come up with a comfortable place to put them? Do I look at her? Do I pretend that my phone buzzed? Do I pretend to have a stroke? Do I pretend to be high?

I don’t know what I'm doing and she’s in front of us. She might be in her 30s? I don’t know. I can’t breathe.

She opened her mouth.

“James? James Potter?”

What?

James visibly jumped. Chill, mate. She just said your name. It’s not like she screamed your name when she came.

Wait, what? What now?

“Yes, ma’am. I mean, My Lady. I mean, yes. Yes. I am. James Sirius Potter. James Potter. The Junior. Just James. I mean, yes. My pleasure. And you are?” James stuttered his way through it. I’m proud of him. I still can’t form a sentence.

She smiled. I’ve never seen such a smile before. It’s not sunshine or daisies or unicorns or rainbows. It’s a little warm and a little sad at the same time. It’s like that first moment when there’s a breeze and you realize that summer is ending soon, but it’s not unpleasant, especially if you’re a fan of autumn.

“I’m Hermione Granger. Glad to make your acquaintance, too.”

“Hermione Granger? You’re Hermione Granger? Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m such a fan. You fought next to my dad in the war, yeah? And your thesis on that new application of dragon blood is so inspiring!” James is beaming.

“Thank you.” She gave him another smile. “Are you taking me to Harry? Is that why you’re here? Harry said in the last letter that he was going to send you to welcome me, since he has this meeting that he can’t get out of.”

“Oh yes, definitely. Jeez, dad didn’t say that you’re so hot. What are you, 40 years old now?”

Way to go, James.

She didn’t take offence. “More or less.” And then she turned to me. She’s staring at me. “Teddy?” Her voice is somehow lower. She looks a lot younger at that moment, like a school girl.

I straightened. “You know me?”

She closed her eyes for a bit. “You were still very young when I left Britain,” she said. “No wonder you don’t remember me.”

And suddenly she’s hugging me. She’s tiny compared to me, but I still feel enveloped. Her hair smells nice. I don’t know that scent. I tentatively put my right hand on her back between her shoulder blades. I shouldn’t have done that, because now she’s hugging me harder. She’s so soft. I’m getting hard. This hug needs to stop. Right. Now.

She pulled back like she heard my thoughts. “Shall we?” That’s directed to James, who’s currently staring at me with a thoughtful look.

“Yes, this way, Hermione. May I call you Hermione?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m practically your aunt."

We’re driving to James’s flat in Muggle London and then taking the floo. James is driving. Hermione takes the shotgun. I’m on the backseat. James struck up a conversation about her academic theory about something. I’m not listening. I’m just feeling her voice and thinking.

It’s not a secret that Harry and Ron have a third best friend. They talk about her. Not a lot, but they’re not keeping her a secret from us kids. We’ve all been curious once, but the moment we got a textbook she wrote, the curiosity disappeared. You don't really get curious about your textbook writer. No one does. We all tend to avoid them. So all we know is that she’s their best friend, she fought in the war, and she left for academic achievements. Nice and easy.

Come to think of it, why hasn't she come back to visit? Ever? If she’s such a good friend of Harry and Ron’s?

James is enamoured. He might have a crush on her. I can tell. What about her? I can’t see her face on the backseat. Well, a little. I can see her left ear, partly obscured by her hair. It’s pale and delicate. I want to touch it. I want to lick it. I’m being weird. Her neck is there for me to observe, too. I know if she turns around this moment and sees me, I might as well kiss my chance with her goodbye. This is so creepy, staring at that little patch of skin like a serial killer or… skin… fanatic.

James saved me from myself. “Are you coming with us, Teddy?”

I turned my eyes to him. “Sure. Why not?”

He has this meaningful little evil smile in his eyes in the rear mirror. “I thought you had a date with a certain blonde?”

“It’s not a date. It’s just a drink.”

“So? Are you going or not?”

“I can cancel.”

James whistled. I know what’s on his mind. He’s such a child.

“Are you single, James?” Hermione asked.

James suddenly tensed. “Ah, no?”

Hermione laughed. “Is that a question?”

James chuckled nervously. “Hey, Hermione, are you obligated to tell my parents everything regarding to me? Like, real-aunt stuff?”

I guess that’s the problem when you have parents. You love them. They love you. But somehow you just cannot be the people who know each other the most.

I’m a little surprised that Hermione actually thought about it for a bit. I can tell James is surprised too. People all give quick answers when they’re asked about this. Angelina will say “you bet your ass I will tell Ginny everything kids”. George will say “nah dude this is between you and me, pranksters’ honour”. But Hermione, she’s thinking about it like she’s not sure.

After a moment, she said, “I guess it depends.”

James is a little miffed. “Depends on what?”

She shrugged. “On whether or not it’s necessary to tell them?”

“How do you decide that?” I asked. I didn’t realise that I was already leaning forward and ready to participate.

She turned around and looked at me. “Well, I guess if James’s secret might put him in grave danger, then I should tell Harry about it. Otherwise I’m a pretty good secret keeper.” She paused for a moment, added, “What about you, Teddy? Do you tell Harry everything about James?”

I don’t know why, but her words warmed me in an unexpected way, like in her way of asking, she put me in the same level as her - adult, independent, guardian of that big child sitting in the driver’s seat. It means that she doesn’t see me as a child; instead, she sees me as a partner in crime in this car if James spills one of his secrets, and that pleases me enormously.

I looked into her eyes and said, “I’m the best secret keeper in the world.”

She shivered. Maybe. Maybe it’s just a trick of light and shadows and the speeding scenery outside the window. She didn’t look away though. I didn’t look away either. One moment passed and then we missed our opportunity to look away without being awkward or weird, so we have to keep looking at each other. I can’t control myself that well. I looked down to her lips for a split second, but she caught me. I can tell.

Damn it.

She silently turned around completely. James glared at me for a bit. Merlin, give me a break.

“So,” James said, “if I tell you something about my love life you wouldn’t tell my parents?”

Her voice is steady. “No. Unless your girlfriend plans to kill you.”

“That’s not as far-fetched as you would imagine,” James laughed a bit.

She’s totally relaxed now. “So you have one? Girlfriend?”

James hummed.

“And Harry doesn’t know?”

James hummed again.

She laughed a bit. “Okay. I won’t tell him, but I want a full report.”

James laughed along. “You need to win my trust first.”

She might murmured something like “Harry Potter’s fucking son”. I’m sure I heard wrong.

It’s pretty uneventful after that. We flooed to the Ministry, sat outside Harry’s office, and waited for him to end whatever’s going on in there. An assistant Auror, Kris, said that Auror Potter knew we’d arrived and he’d meet us as soon as possible. It’s interesting, the Auror Office. Everyone’s constantly on the move. Only one or two are sitting at their desks and chewing their quills. I’m guessing case closing report.

Hermione sits between me and James. James is on his phone again. He’s been on his phone ever since Malfoy Industries invented a method to make Muggle devices work normally in magical environments, which means five years ago. I think. Harry threatened to reducto that thing once, but he never did. I guess for a man like Harry, the more ways to find his family at any given time, the better.

She wasn’t doing anything, just watching the office and taking it all in. She’s been away for quite some time, after all. I can feel her beside me even when I’m not looking at her. I don’t feel warmth or smell her scent or something like that. No. I just feel her presence.

And then someone said, in a weak voice, “Merlin’s balls. Hermione.”

I looked up, and there’s Ron. He’s pale as a corpse.

Hermione stood up and said calmly, “Hi, Ron.”

And then he’s kissing her. And my blood turned to ice in my veins.

#Teddy Lupin #Hermione Granger #hprarepairnet #this is seriously fluff #no one's dead #yet #fairestoftherare

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miniatureclover · 4 years ago

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Faraway Wanderers Reading Blog: Chapters 06-10

I AM BACK! Maybe I’ll be able to finish this live blog series before the live action comes out? Hopefully?

Chapter 6: The Beauty

Gu Xiang and Zhou Zishu are way too much together, ha. They also make a good team, surprisingly, even with Zhou Zishu having to bow out of the fight part way (throwing the same “poor fragile me” excuse Gu Xiang used right back at her…except he actually means it since the fool is literally dying a slow death by nails). He’s also a good teacher, and her a good student, and this really isn’t helping him lay low but ah well, I guess that flew out of the window once this whole mess started.

The fight scenes are pretty good, too. Gu Xiang is young and confident, but absolutely brutal and not afraid to use hidden weapons. She has good reflexes and instincts, though she is still young, and that’s reflected in her panic when she loses her weapon and getting overconfident. Contrast that with Zhou Zishu who is very observant and picks up some stones to help her out when he has to rest, and you can see the clear difference between them as people with two different experience levels. It’s really neat how the narrative manages to mix the characters’ life experiences, personality, and age into the way they fight without giving it away explicitly.

She blinked in astonishment — this ragged man’s ramblings worth diddlysquat, but his execution in battle was one of the cleanest and cruelest she had ever seen. It really made one wonder who he was.

Really throwing that image out the window. Guess it’s lucky he was nerfed by the nails, huh. And it turns out that our main character is also a rather brutal fighter, when he can fight without collapsing.

And here enters Wen Kexing, finally with a proper name! What an entrance. He’s already kind of a creep with no sense of personal boundaries, ha. He’s also really, really perceptive though. In a creepy way (who says “your shoulder blades are beautiful, therefore your face must also be beautiful”?? he’s such a ridiculous flirt).

Alas, we are left wondering whether Wen Kexing is really blinded by good looks or just very perceptive after Gu Xiang says that he has a tendency to exaggerate.

Chapter 7: Setting Off

Oh gosh, this poor boy. Protect him, he is precious. I’m talking about Zhang Chengling of course, who starts the chapter off crying because he has seen a lot of stuff go down, like his entire family dying to start things off, followed by people coming to kill him and a seemingly random beggar agreeing to deliver him somewhere safe? But, alas, might as well cry yourself a river while you’re at it, kid. It’s going to be a rough ride now that he’s stuck with this ragtag group.

Wen Kexing is such a clown. He has his wits about him, but he is such a clown with a punchable face. Zhou Zishu isn’t actually much better in terms of acting like a normal human being interacting with smaller human beings. At least Zhang Chengling is resilient. He bounces back quickly and continues to pester Zhou Zishu to become his teacher. He does still have nightmares, which makes sense after all he’s been through.

But he seems to remind Zhou Zishu of someone from his past, which is interesting.

Back to why Zhang Chengling is a precious bun and must be protected: after having nightmares and believing he’s woken his savior up, he says things like “I can…I can stop sleeping if it’s a problem?” That is not actually a legitimate solution to the problem, believe it or not.

Then some enemies arrive with a superpowered guqin/zither, which is hilarious no matter how many novels or dramas I encounter considering traditional guqin with silk strings aren’t very loud instruments (the description from the first sentence of the next chapter is right in that it’s more of a “thin” sound than other instruments).

Chapter 8: Moonshade

Wen Kexing is indeed an enigma, the perfect match for Zhou Zishu who is undoubtedly one himself. In between his moments of eccentricity, he provides a lot of insight to the martial arts world, the way he conveys the harshness of life in it striking a rather eerie note (Wen Kexing’s voice was gentle, “Even if he’s still alive, all of his meridians have been broken; he’s useless now. Death would be a happier fate for him.”) and slides right out of it a moment later.

This match also speaks to Zhou Zishu’s capabilities: injured, he managed to beat Qin Song who is apparently well-known for his ability to kill people with that zither, and with a crudely constructed flute at that.

He felt a particular aura from this man that suggested they might be birds of a feather, the other would definitely not do something if it didn’t benefit him. […] After lots of thoughts without any solid conclusions, he scoffed at himself — old habits died hard.

You two are indeed birds of a feather, glad you noticed. I do like how he slips back into old habits, after all, he only recently stepped away from his former life as a spymaster, it’d be difficult to put a stop to all of his old tendencies.

They even proceed to exchange a few moves, presumably to figure each other out, until the pesky nails driven into Zhou Zishu’s torso act up, which gives Wen Kexing an opportunity to be a creep and touch his face. Half of it makes sense, since he’s convinced Zhou Zishu is “a beauty” and hiding it somehow, but he seems the type to have done such a thing even without that reason.

This exchange is hilarious though:

-What’s my face made of? -Human skin. -It feels like it’s one with your body… -Well, I was born with it, so.

…I should hope so. These two are a comedy duo in their own right.

Gu Xiang continues to be a delight, in any case. She has no reserve about making smart comments as soon as Wen Kexing’s back is turned, probably knowing he can still hear her at a distance.

Finally, three days later, their little party manages to make it to Zhang Chengling’s father’s friend, but we’re only on chapter 8, which means there’s much more chaos to be had in their future. For now, Zhou Zishu is relieved he finished his self-imposed mission and gained some “merits”, but muses on how it’s exhausting to be good person, haha. Indeed, the world doesn’t make it easy sometimes, especially not the crazy martial arts world they live in.

Chapter 9: In the Woods

Name info-dump, I guarantee I will remember none of them. It does fill out the world and fits with Zhou Zishu’s character, since his job required him to know all the nitty-gritty details of the major players in the martial arts world.

Ultimately, the exposition serves to let us know why he decides stay in the manor for a bit, as he’s well aware that Zhao Jing and the rest of the people grouping up at his place aren’t as glamorous and gallant as they seem. Also, he’s already weak to Zhang Chengling’s puppy eyes, apparently.

Zhao Jing is catching onto the glaringly obvious hints at Zhou Zishu being far more than a random beggar, and his manipulation of Zhang Chengling’s eager to please nature might be a bad sign of what’s to come. Zhou Zishu is more than prepared for a little investigating into his real identity, and the deception runs deep enough that he has a whole fake history and job to go along with his name.

Zhou Zishu endures a round of social BS-ing, aka attempts to dig for information on him, which is explained in a really succinct manner: although the greetings and false praise are absolute bullshit and not genuine in the least, they do serve a purpose, which is to sort out who has relations with who, and who is an outsider to be wary of. It’s a good point. The boot-licking is a standard in the genre that emphasizes the importance of saving face and social relations. The author summed it up well.

After sitting through all that, Zhou Zishu decides he has stayed long enough and departs under the cover of night, except he can’t shake Wen Kexing off his tail, much to his annoyance.

I’ll admit, these two characters don’t draw me in quite as much as some of priest’s other protagonists, but their dialogue is a goldmine:

-“Escorting the young master Zhang is purely for gathering merits, so that I won’t have to endure any tortures in the Underworld after death. -“Correct, Brother Zhou truly shares the same mind with me; and as only beautiful people can do that, it is clear-” -“See, my dear soulmate, another chance for merit gathering has appeared.”

They continue bickering until they find a corpse in the forest, aaand this is where our plot kicks off!

Chapter 10: Netherworld

“Someone killed the Lord of Duan Jian Manor, and I’m a charitable person who wants to gather merits, so why not. And I’m bored anyway.”

Ha. And Zhou Zishu catches onto his BS right away, suggesting he might want to chase after Sun Ding because he’s the most powerful of the culprits who ran off. It’s hilarious how well-matched these two are, and how they just roll with each other’s ridiculous commentary.

Despite not wanting to get involved, Zhou Zishu can’t help it. His detective senses are tingling and he figures there’s nothing to lose since he’s a dead man walking.

However, their pursuit leads them to another dead body, and they take off after the person fleeing the crime scene until they reach a cemetery. Of course it’s a cemetery, haha. The person they were pursuing also disappears mysteriously. The whole scene is fit for a horror movie, complete with laughing animals.

Now, to be fair, and I’m not sure if this applies to owls, but some animals like foxes have truly terrifying vocalizations (one variation sounds like a screaming woman, for one). It’s no wonder people used to think demons and spirits existed. Unlike western depictions of the owl as a symbol of wisdom, among other things, in Chinese culture they’re apparently bad omens, at most used to ward off evil spirits.

Wen Kexing is so random and dramatic and loves to talk, haha. He tells a short story about owls being omens of death, then about locust trees being considered the door to the underworld. They really do find an underground cavern and river beneath the tombstone.

So! We have met our two main characters, become well-acquainted with their propensity to hide their true identities and incessant bickering when they’re together, and set the stage for solving a murder mystery. Decent progression for 10/78 chapters. I really love priest’s writing, which is always a delightful balance of pleasant and poetic description between good, distinctive dialogue and forward action to progress the story.

#faraway wanderers #tianyake #reading blog

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sensiblescribbler-blog · 6 years ago

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The Things We See

Part 1-1 ( Index / 2 )

A dirt trodden trail cut through luscious green grass. It wasn’t a straight path as it curved down the small hill until it reached the docks. A single fishing boat bounced with the minimal waves, tied to the docks and going nowhere. There was a single chair on the docks itself, left behind what had likely been early-morning fishing.

There was a certain calm that surrounded the dock, quite the contrast to the hectic gathering inside. It was likely not something some would consider hectic, while to others it would be utter chaos. All that depended was experience and perspective. While it was actually an average gathering for a Rosson family gathering.

For Salem it was hectic and not even as a child had he wanted to attend. Except as a child he had far too little choice. As an adult he felt like he should have a choice and yet here he was. He supposed he should’ve felt guilty for leaving Levi to the scrutiny of their uncles and aunts but honestly he just felt relieved to be away. No matter how temporary it was.

As it was it didn’t take Levi long before he was stepping out. The sliding door was relatively noisy when opening and closing, especially since you had to slam it for it to connect and actually be closed.

“Honestly, I am happy for Cheyenne but why is it that just because she’s pregnant suddenly the rest of us have to be pressured to start a family?” Levi grumbled as he leaned against the porch railing. “I might just scream is another person asks me about a girlfriend or getting a ‘real’ job.” He even gave the word real proper air-quotes.

“Do you know what Uncle Nate asked?” Salem prompted with a relatively bland expression. “First he asked me about any girlfriends before switching to asking about a boyfriend, saying he doesn’t discriminate.”

Levi gave the proper reaction of skepticism and disgust.

“I suppose we’re just going to forget about ‘man up’ uncle Nate?” Salem continued with a over-exaggerated eye roll. “The guy who threw out his own son just because he joined a drama club and was lead in a school play.”

“Anything to look for someone else to shit on than his own kid,” Levi clicked his tongue and picked at some of the chipping paint that had clung to his sleeve.

“But then again I did here Gabby talking about how he and Mark were talking. I don’t know, Mark hasn’t said anything about it so it might just be smoke blowing.”

Salem hummed, he hadn’t talked to Mark in a while, but compared to the family he had recently spoken to their cousin. He’d met up with Mark three weeks ago and had dinner together. To catch up on life and well at this point it was at least a sort of tradition to check in on one another to see if they were doing alright. Usually just once a month but sometimes more frequently if say one was struggling to pay rent or even afford food.

Levi was aware of it, but opted out. Salem didn’t really know why, but he suspected that it was because Levi could be stubborn and prideful when it came to admitting weakness or accepting help. He was a lot like their mother in that aspect.

“A part of me wants to get a boyfriend to spite them.” Levi added with a mischievous smirk though it looked a little forced.

“I don’t think you should start a relationship out of spite, not for dating and such.” Salem retorted and glanced back to the house. There wasn’t actually seeing into the house, just their reflections in the glass. “But you know that neighbor of yours is cute, you might have a decent chance.”

“Yea sure, cute.” Levi drawled, “Not what I’d call him but sure.”

Salem shrugged and let things fall silent. At least until obligation brought them back inside. Not an hour later had Salem wearing a grimacing smile and biting back words that would undoubtedly get him in trouble. He took himself out of the conversation between a not quite aunt and uncle (he wasn’t exactly sure how he was related to them and honestly didn’t care) and went to hover at Levi’s arm and hopefully convince him to leave.

Allie, dear cousin Allie who had babysat them a few times, was well past drunk and thus her conversation was mildly amusing and on the brutal honesty side. So Salem didn’t protest verbally or nonverbally for a while just to listen on Allie’s theory on how sharks and snakes were innocent and couldn’t possibly be evil. The connection between the two didn’t make particularly sense at the moment but it most certainly did for her.

Eventually though Levi seemed to grow bored of it and it was unanimous to leave before getting pulled into a soul sucking conversation.

This seemed like Salem’s quota of socializing for the week -maybe even the month-. Of course he wouldn’t get away with not talking with someone for the rest of the month no matter how much he wanted. For one his work wouldn’t allow it, and secondly when could he ever truly keep his mouth shut for very long?

“I need to do something with my life,” Salem said rubbing at the back of his neck. “Travel out of country, hike a mountain, I don’t know but thinking about just working without any goals is really depressing.”

“Ugh, please don’t let them get to you.” Levi said with a grimace. “It’s what old people do, they pry and judge and even if you climbed a mountain or earned an Olympic medal they’d still pick you apart like the carrion creatures they are.”

“I understand that, I also know that its not healthy for someone not to have goals.” Salem fiddled with the seat belt a bit as the drive continued.

“Maybe start small? Instead of going to another country why not make a new friend? Then you know work your way up to traveling around. Heck depending on where you go, I might be convinced to tag along.”

That actually sounded reasonable and something he could actually manage. Though he honestly hadn’t made any friends since high school and the friends he made there… well he wasn’t so much in touch with any of them.

Though Salem did have to ask, how to adults make new friends?

“Let’s drop by the store, I need to get some real food in my stomach.” Salem suggested as he decided to put such thoughts to the side for now. Those were things he could think about later, when he could actually think a plan out.

Salem was being stared at. To his right was a woman, the attractive sort of woman that would normally never turn his way. He had been pulled in by the ice cream, deciding on which flavor and if he really should buy ice cream. He also mulled over the chances that the others would leave it alone or not. Roommates, especially Levi as a roommate, wasn’t really all tat great as he had once believed back in high school. Well at least he knew better now.

Another look to his right showed that the woman was still staring. It wasn’t a flirtatious look that indicated she might find Salem attractive but it was- It was the kind of stare that even though she had been caught twice now she hadn’t once looked away. Salem was getting weirded out.

So he decided no ice cream could wait, and finished with the main reason he was shopping. He found Levi in with the junk, looking over chips.. Levi could take hours deciding on flavor and brand.

This time, instead of the woman, Salem caught a man staring at him He was tall-bulky intimidating type of guy. Sort of like biker-gang break your face for looking at them wrong type. Salem was starting to rethink his decision of shopping in the evenings. Weird stuff happened all the time.

Should he bring it up to Levi?

“I’m going to check out,” Salem announced and made way towards the front of the store.

The eeriness didn’t ease any as there was the woman again and her intense stare. There was just a small line to self-checkout and only one person actually being rung up. Salem decided to start putting his things on the belt, hoping this would be the fast route. Though it wouldn’t matter because Levi wasn’t even around yet.

Now the creepy woman was standing behind him, a smile pulling at her lips. It was a too sharp smile, something that would belong in horror films and nightmares.

Salem shuffled uncomfortably and decided to keep his gaze ahead on the cashier and customer. As it became Salem’s turn it was only a small relief that he wasn’t the only one who noticed the creepy stare and smile pointed at him. The young woman paused for a brief moment.

“How are you today?” She asked awkwardly.

“Okay,” Salem replied, part of him just wanted the woman to get it over with. Talk and say why she was staring, but he was more worried that she had plans to kill him. Cut him up and store him in an ice box and he really didn’t want that to happen.

He wasn’t a small guy, he should be able to keep her from doing that… maybe. However if she was with the intense biker-guy than Salem was at an extreme disadvantage.

At least Salem was able to get some relief, spotting Levi. He paid for his groceries and hurried to meet Levi whom was using the self-checkout. Once more Salem thought of mentioning it to Levi, but he didn’t. Why bother? They were just going to leave anyway.

It was a relief when they were in the car and driving away. Basically there was no need to worry about it anymore. Maybe he’d remember the creepy staring moment somewhere down the line and laugh it off. At the moment he was still spooked about it.

They got in home and everything was normal. Brett was at his computer, leaning back with controller in hand and defeating some space zombies. Isaiah was in the kitchen going from fridge to cupboard trying to figure out what to eat. Isaiah perked up when he saw the grocery bags, “My saviors- I told you they weren’t going to be gone too long.”

“Get back you vulture,” Levi said wiggling his foot out at Isaiah as he entered the kitchen.

“If you finish up the dishes I’ll cook dinner.”

“Aye aye, sir.” Isaiah said with a salute, using the wrong hand, and turned to the dish washer. “We meet again my mortal enemy.” He whispered more to himself than to actually be heard then opened it.

Salem snorted at his antics, which were the usual in a house of four twenty-something men. Levi was already taking things he had bought just for himself to his bedroom, where he usually hoarded snacks. Salem couldn’t blame him if it didn’t need to be in the fridge he did the same thing -they all did whether the others admitted it or not-. AS he put most of the things away he wished he had gotten that ice cream, it would’ve tasted like an indulgent reward for surviving the family gathering.

Instead of continuing to dwell on it, he decided to fetch the potatoes from the garage.

“Door’s broken, you have to go around.” Brett called just as Salem headed for the garage door. “I called George and he said he’d come by tomorrow and take a look, but…”

“He didn’t fix it last time so it’ll just break again.” Salem finished in a grumble.

The garage door liked to stick and they had tried various methods and the one that would work perfectly would be to get rid of the door all together. However they couldn’t do that because they needed air in the summer and heat in the winter. The house was already bad enough that they paid an arm and a leg on the electric bill, they didn’t need to make it worse.

Salem had just turned from shutting the front door, garage button in hand when he saw them. The curses that left his mouth were more a reaction, just like the cold fear that gripped his chest. The woman and man from the store were there, just at the walkway. There was a third too, this man tall and thin even as he was hunched.

Their silent standing would’ve been frightening enough on their own.

What really had Salem’s heart pounding in his ears, wondering how much of his sanity was intact, was the glowing of their eyes. The same violet glowing that was in no way human. It was definitely otherworldly, something you’d see from a sci-fi show. Salem stumbled back a few steps, foot slipping on the front step and he fell back against the door.

His movements felt sluggish and far too slow as he turned around and struggled with the door knob. How hard was it to turn it and open the door? Apparently Salem couldn’t manage it, even though he just had a moment ago.

When Salem opened his mouth to shout it was only to have a hand cover it and pull him back. He would’ve fought, but something made him freeze up completely. His arms went completely slack at his sides, hands falling open. The garage button fell out with a small clatter. The front door getting farther and father away before he wasn’t sure what he was even staring at.

It was an odd sort of light, pulsating. It was a variety of colors all at once, swirling around in a mesmerizing dance. Salem wanted to touch it, to reach out and grab it in his hands. However that paralyzed feeling still had him, he couldn’t even turn his head. His breathing was heavy, as if he were hyperventilating. He was still very much afraid, he had no clue what was going on.

He was starting to forget why he was afraid.

Why should he be afraid of this beautiful light?

#my writing #writeblr #original story #the things we see #writing #writing related #story

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moczothe1st · 8 years ago

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Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 39: A Love as Deep as a Deep Road

[SCENE: CAMP, at HIGH NOON. It is NIGHT.]

BLAKE: [SADLY] Okay, everyone. We have recruited, to face the infinite hordes of the Darkspawn, a total of ten mages and fifty elves. How many Darkspawn do we have to kill, again?

STEN: You just called them an infinite horde.

BLAKE: I was hoping that I was wrong, dammit.

ALISTAIR: I don’t think you could ever be wrong, my sweet.

LELIANA: Want to get married?

BLAKE: I… wait, Alistair I expected, but Leliana, I thought we broke up, or…

LELIANA: I really liked something you said in the temple, and you gave me a piece of cake. It made us a couple again.

BLAKE: … … … Sure. Anyway, I’m going to come right out and say that maybe we need to improve the size of our forces. We are going to need to bolster our ‘army’ with an actual army. Now, where do you think we should go to seek this? I’m taking votes.

ALISTAIR: Arl Eam-

BLAKE: The Deep Roads it is! Let’s go find some dwarves.

ALISTAIR: [POUTING] You said we were voting.

BLAKE: We did. I just forgot to mention that I’m the only one who gets a vote, because I’m the leader. That’s what we call ‘democracy.��

MORRIGAN: I wish you were a man.

[The GROUP leaves camp, beginning the LONG HIKE to the entrance of ORZAMMAR, legendary city of the DWARVES. They make it THIRTY SECONDS.]

DARKSPAWN EMISSARY: RANDOM ENCOUNTER, BITCHES!

ALISTAIR: Wow, the emissaries really are smarter than normal darksp-

EMISSARY: EMISSARY, ROCKIN’ OUT THE FIREBALLS, YO! I AM THE FIRE OF PERDITION COME TO DEVOUR YOU! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

[The EMISSARY, being MORE CLEVER than a normal DARKSPAWN, is able to launch a MAGICAL FIREBALL at the group while SIMULTANEOUSLY shredding out a ROCKING GUITAR SOLO. They really ARE quite INTELLIGENT.]

EVERYONE: [IS ON FIRE]

WYNNE: [BEGINS TO GLOW] I was secretly being kept alive by a magical spirit the whole time!

[SPIRIT POWERS, on. ACTIVATE INTERLOCK, dynotherms CONNECTED, Infracells UP, Mega-thrusters are GO.]

BLAKE: … So your dark secret was spirit powers that can enhance you for combat? That was your dark secret?

WYNNE: Alas, for I am an abomination, animated only by a spirit who has chosen to grant me a tenuous grasp on-

BLAKE: Awesome. You’re in the party forever.

WYNNE: You don’t seem to be having the experience of deep religious terror I was expecting from this revelation. I’m dead, you realize.

BLAKE: No, those guys are dead. The creepy veiny faced ones, vaguely spawnlike? On the dark side? You have superpowers. You’re Spirit Woman. I would marry you if you weren’t, you know...

MORRIGAN: Old? Decrepit? Wrinkled like a prune?

BLAKE: … I was going to say ‘grandmotherly,’ I swear. MORRIGAN: Hideous?

BLAKE: Stop helping, please.

MORRIGAN: Ancient and corroded? Willfully ignorant of the world around her in favor of propagating a broken system?

WYNNE: I can’t use my spirit powers very often. You can tell because Morrigan still has a face.

MORRIGAN: Smelling vaguely of mold?

BLAKE: She’s gonna keep doing this for awhile. Let’s just finish walking to Orzammar before we get another random encounter.

MORRIGAN: Oddly dry, as if made of sandpaper?

[SCENE: The FROSTBACK MOUNTAINS, on the trail to ORZAMMAR, realm of the DWARVES. Yes, the REALM OF THE DWARVES is ONE CITY, and it honestly isn’t even a GREAT ONE. There is a lot of MAGMA and the DARKSPAWN are their next-door NEIGHBOR, but the DWARVES remain there because they believe LIVING ABOVE GROUND is INHERENTLY EVIL. Oh, there is TECHNICALLY another CITY but you’ll never GO THERE and it’s PROBABLY WORSE, for all we KNOW.]

THIS is what is known as EXPOSITION intended to make sure that any READERS don’t go into the coming segment with HIGH EXPECTATIONS.]

BLAKE: Okay, so does anyone know where the door is? It seems like they should put up signs.

ALISTAIR: Oh, there’s a sign. Next to those fine gentleman guarding the path.

[There are FIVE INDIVIDUALS on the path. Not ALL of them are GENTLEMEN, and none of them look particularly FINE. Some do NOT HAVE TEETH, and all are carrying some manner of SHARP IMPLEMENT. There are some BLOODSTAINS on the clothing, but that will probably not be IMPORTANT.]

BOUNTY HUNTER: Hey. You Grey Wardens?

BLAKE: … No.

ALISTAIR: Hey, look. That sign says we’re near Orzammar. That’s important for Grey Wardens to visit! Like us!

BOUNTY HUNTER: *smile*

[The group CONTINUES THEIR TREK after wiping all of the BLOOD off of THEMSELVES. It is nearly HALF from other PEOPLE. Thankfully, WYNNE is here and she can RE-ATTACH LELIANA’S LIMBS. It’s not HER FAULT that ARCHERY won’t be good until the DLC.]

BLAKE: So I think we need to make some new rules about Alistair and when he can talk. I nominate ‘never.’

ALISTAIR: You have beautiful eyes.

LELIANA: I’ve always thought so!

ZEVRAN: Mrrrrrrrrrrow.

BLAKE: You know, I hear there’s people out there who really like this much attention. Would it be possible for some of you to go out and latch on to them? I hear that Hawke could really use a friend or two. You guys need more friends, don’t you?

[This is TRUE, but if HAWKE had FRIENDS then they would PROBABLY JUST DIE. Be super blunt with me here, did you really enjoy playing as HAWKE? Did you have a lot of FUN sorting out the MAGE-TEMPLAR CONFLICT? Of course you DIDN’T. Playing as HAWKE was an endless slog of PAIN AND DESPAIR as everything about their life SPIRALLED out of control and they slowly but surely LOST EVERYTHING and UTTERLY FAILED to prevent a WORLD WAR, then the THIRD GAME has some new guy SOLVE THE PROBLEM in like, an HOUR. Then HAWKE makes a CAMEO and has a 50% chance of DYING.]

[Sorry, HAWKE. It’s not your FAULT.]

MORRIGAN: I don’t have friends, myself.

[That pretty much IS her fault, though.]

BLAKE: I believe that is literally true.

[IT IS.]

[SCENE: ORZAMMAR. There is LAVA everywhere, but it is VIDEO GAME LAVA so it only hurts you if you TOUCH IT. The DWARVES are currently having a POLITICAL DEBATE.]

DWARF A: I think Harrowmont sucks and Prince Bhelen should be king!

DWARF B: Well, I think Bhelen sucks and Lord Harrowmont should be king!

DWARF A: *MURDERS DWARF B IN THE STREETS*

BLAKE: Holy crap!

MORRIGAN: Finally, someone with a firm grasp of governance.

[We may need to consider the possibility that MORRIGAN is just an ODDLY TALL DWARF]

DWARF GUARD: Hail, Warden. I understand you’ve come to us seeking our mighty dwarf army to help you face off against the terror of the Darkspawn Blight.

BLAKE: I… yes. Are you going to clean up the corpse, or…

DWARF GUARD: Alas, we cannot command our forces to march without the guidance of our king, and we have none.

BLAKE: There was a murder just now, so…

DWARF GUARD: If you seek the power of the dwarven army, you shall need to chose one of the leading candidates, Prince Bhelen, the sole surviving member of the royal family and you probably just shouldn’t question why that is, or the old king’s friend Lord Harrowmont who seems like a great choice. Yes, he really seems that way. He certainly does seem to be the right choice. Seeeeeeeeeeeems. [WINKS a few times while DISCRETELY POINTING at GAMEFAQS.]

BLAKE: This isn’t going to be any fun, is it?

DWARF GUARD: That’s basically our town motto.

LELIANA: I question if ze dwarf army is even worz it, everyone. Perhaps we should just go focus on ze Arl Eamon and let zem sort zis all out for zemselves.

ALISTAIR: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…

STEN: I feel they could not possibly be worse than the elf army, if this helps in making our choice.

MORRIGAN: I want to do whatever Alistair doesn’t want to do.

WYNNE: Now, now, children. We need as many soldiers as we can get to face the Blight. We’ll just have to pick one of the candidates and support his claim to the throne. I’m sure we can use our finely tuned moral compasses to determine which is the correct option. We are, after all, purely noble heroes without any factors that might render our judgments suspect.

MORRIGAN: Aren’t you possessed by an extradimensional entity that could be altering your thoughts in any number of ways, potentially without you even knowing?

WYNNE: Aren’t you overdue to shut up?

[With their COURSE DECIDED, the group decides to interview both CANDIDATES to determine which is the CORRECT MORAL OPTION.]

[SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN’s home, the PALACE.]

BHELEN: Greetings. Welcome to my home, Grey Warden. I am a sleazy amoral murderer that is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of my entire family, and I’m going to be asking you to break pretty much every one of the like, six laws that we dwarves even have. Want to be friends?

WYNNE: … … … … … ... …

BLAKE: Whoa. Um. We’ll, uh… we’ll consider it. [WHISPERED] Let’s get the Hell out of here.

[SCENE: LORD HARROWMONT’S estate.]

LORD HARROWMONT: *Pets a puppy* Greetings, my new Warden friends. I am kindly old uncle Harrowmont. Would you like a Werther’s candy?

BLAKE: You seem much nicer than your opposition.

ALISTAIR: *Eats a Werther’s candy*

LELIANA: I feel safe and warm.

HARROWMONT: Why, thank you, children. Yes, I am much nicer than Prince Bhelen. He is cold and cruel, while I am kind and respectful to all those who help me. I certainly SEEM like the correct choice. [PAUSES, and gestures at the player’s INTERNET BROWSER while COUGHING.] That is most definitely how I SEEM. You would definitely THINK that I am the morally obvious correct choice. I SEEM THAT WAY. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM.

BLAKE: Okay, everyone. We have a choice, here. Who do we want to pick?

BHELEN: *Eats a baby.*

HARROWMONT: *Rocks in his ol’ rocking chair on the front porch, pouring lemonade for all the local kids.*

BLAKE: I think the choice is obvious. So. Bhelen it is, then!

MORRIGAN: You looked that up on the internet.

BLAKE: … … Verily, I knowest not of what thou speakest, fair Morrigan. Internet? Be this some magely conjuring of thine…

MORRIGAN: You did. Don’t even bother pretending we have a fourth wall anymore. You looked up the ending on the internet.

BLAKE: Okay, fine. Look, it’s not my fault. You try avoiding spoilers for an eight year old game, see how well you do.

MORRIGAN: You know, if you already know everything that’s going to happen, I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to keep my dark secret.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: You know, I legit thought we were done with that gag.

MORRIGAN: Do not change the subject! I’m a major plot character and my arc is crucial to the central twists of the endgame, and you’re just spitting all over that. I thought we had a connection, you know? I thought ‘here is someone as generally unpleasant as me, who hates Alistair, and enjoys power and murder.’ I thought we could be friends, you know? But now I find out you’ve not even the slightest concern for maintaining secrecy regarding story structure, and-

STEN: [Hits MORRIGAN in the back of the head with a ROCK.]

BLAKE: Thanks, man, that was seriously getting awkward. Chicks, am I right?

LELIANA: Is that remark sexist if you are a woman?

BLAKE: I’m choosing to say ‘no.’

SCENE: PRINCE BHELEN’S PALACE OF DESPAIR, int.

BHELEN: Fantastic, I knew you would see reason and choose the obviously correct choice for Orzammar which is foreshadowed believably.

MORRIGAN: I have such a headache. And I have no memory of the last six hours. Why is everyone here so short? It sickens me.

BLAKE: Just ignore her, prince sir. She’s silly.

MORRIGAN: This one sickens me most of all. The eyes of a rat, he has.

BHELEN: I would normally object to that, but I’m going to be sending you to kill the dwarf mafia now, so honestly that’s punishment enough.

BLAKE: … When you say ‘kill the mafia’…

BHELEN: Yes, the whole thing.

DOG: Bark, bark!

BLAKE: I’m not going to translate that because it isn’t fit for polite company, but Dog doesn’t like you any more than Morrigan does.

MORRIGAN: I hate all short people. And farmers. And anyone named ‘Casper.’

BLAKE: Also, Wynne, I think she has a concussion, could you fix that?

WYNNE: Eh.

[SCENE: The hideout of the DWARF MAFIA, int. int. It is a CAVE inside a CITY inside a CAVE, so I think it deserves two ‘int.’]

JARVIA: Hello there, Warden. I am Jarvia, head of the Dwarf Mafia, which someone really should have called by its proper name by now, but we won’t. If you know what it is off the top of your head, good job on paying attention. I mean, there won’t be a quiz or anything, but still, good work.

BLAKE: Nothing personal, but I have to stab you a few times because I need an army. And since we’re the heroes and you’re a glorified sneak thief, that’s gonna be fun for everyone.

[BLAKE takes ONE STEP forward.]

SIX THOUSAND TRAPS: [ALL GO OFF AT ONCE]

[SCENE: BHELEN’S PALACE OF ETERNAL DESPAIR, int.]

BHELEN: So how was Jarvia?

BLAKE: [STILL ON FIRE] Fuck you.

BHELEN: Awesome. Now, as it turns out, that was actually a waste of time. We really just need a Paragon to approve me.

ALISTAIR: What’s that?

BHELEN: When a dwarf does something which gives great aid to their people, that they will be remembered by our people forever, they are labeled as a Paragon; a living ancestor… nay, a living god. The word of a Paragon could make a king, for a Paragon is beyond a king. They are beyond us all. The living expression of Dwarfkind’s greatest qualities. And we have discovered one… may still live among us. Paragon Branka, the greatest living dwarf of our time!

ALISTAIR: Ooooooh. What did she do?

BHELEN: She… invented a kind of clean-burning coal.

LELIANA: Zat… is it?

BHELEN: Yup. Canon.

BLAKE: And you made her a god for that?

WYNNE: I try not to judge foreign religions, but my word that seems a bit extreme.

STEN: My religion lobotomizes non-believers who refuse to conform.

WYNNE: … Okay. Well, it’s not as extreme as that.

BHELEN: I said it gave great aid to the dwarf people, not interesting aid. Now go out into the Deep Roads and find Branka. She wandered off a few years ago and it’s a maze of death that spans the entire country, but I’m sure you’ll find her in a few hours.

ALISTAIR: If I could be a paragon, I’d like it to be for inventing a new kind of cheese.

BHELEN: Starting to question my choices in hiring you people, not gonna lie.

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. Pretty much all of the DEEP ROADS look the same, so it really could be ANYWHERE IN THEM.]

BLAKE: I feel like we’re missing something…

MORRIGAN: A map?

STEN: A guide?

ALISTAIR: You look great in that outfit.

LELIANA: Oui, mon cherie.

BLAKE: … … … … Okay, this isn’t the time and you creep me out a little, but it’s so hot when you speak Orlesian to me, baby.

ALISTAIR: Thank you! I don’t even realize when I’m doing it, apparently.

BLAKE: [SOBS for a bit.]

THE SMELL OF WHISKEY GIVEN FORM: Heya. You guys all ran out inta the Deep Roads and forgot to talk to me.

BLAKE: Oh, who the Hell are you now? And you had better not be a party member because I have quite enough of those.

A BEARD ATTACHED TO A KEG: Oh, I’m a party member. I’m the best party member. I’m here to get drunk, sexually harass everyone, and smell weird. I’m so goddamn manly you could use my blood ta give women sex changes.

ALISTAIR: Sexually harass everyone? I thought that was Zevran’s job.

ZEVRAN: It isn’t sexual harassment if they love it, baby.

LIKE A DWARF, ONLY MORE ALCOHOLIC: And they never love it with me. I confuse and terrify people. I. Am. OGHREN.

[THE LIGHT OF HEAVEN shines down, illuminating OGHREN, the party member you will LAUGH AT THE MOST. MAYBE. If you like DRUNK DWARVES.]

BLAKE: So… um… nice to meet you?

OGHREN: Nice tits, babe.

BLAKE: … I’mma kill him.

OGHREN: Wasn’t talking to you. I meant the one with no shirt.

MORRIGAN: … I’mma kill him.

OGHREN: The Ogh-man’s still got it.

ALISTAIR: By ‘it’, do you mean, ‘the ability to make women furious?’

OGHREN: Why do you think Branka ran out into the middle of the monster-infested death caverns with her entire family? She was married to me.

WYNNE: Ah. Ah. Okay, I would have left society forever if you were my husband, I have to admit.

LELIANA: I would have left society twice. Once for ze personality, and once for ze smell.

BLAKE: And her ex-girlfriend is a sociopathic murderer, so if even she finds you repulsive, you know you’re repulsive.

LELIANA: How long are you going to ‘ang zat over my ‘ead? Honestly, you date one sociopazic murderer, an’ everyone judges vous forever.

OGHREN: I think I’m gonna like hanging out with you people. You’re the same kind of chaotic mess I am, only sober.

BLAKE: I never said you could join us.

[OGHREN has joined the PARTY.]

BLAKE: Oh, right, I forgot. I have no control over my own life.

ALISTAIR: I think that’s your best quality.

LELIANA: After your wonderful hair.

MORRIGAN: I don’t know if I’d call it a quality, but it certainly makes my job a lot easier. [PAUSES] Not that I have a specific goal in the group or anything.

OGHREN: Does anyone have some beer?

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. Only EVEN DEEPER.]

OGHREN: Now, Branka took our entire clan and left me, and only me, behind, so I’ve been working on a way to find her so we can be a couple again.

LELIANA: You didn’t take zis abandonment as a hint regarding her feelings for you? You must learn to recognize your love’s moods, you know.

BLAKE: That’s rich, coming from you.

ALISTAIR: Yeah, Leliana! You really need to learn to take a hint when Blake just isn’t interested.

BLAKE: [QUIET SOBS]

ALISTAIR: Now look, you made her cry.

OGHREN: Whoa. I knocked back a literal gallon of vodka before I found you guys, and somehow I’m not the dumbest one in the party. Anyone think that’s a little weird?

STEN: If you remain in the group for long enough, you learn to not notice it. It is like a poison which causes numbness before it inevitably kills us.

OGHREN: Neat, that’s what I drink on Thursdays, ta get me ready for the hard stuff on Friday night. Anyhoo, I know that Branka started off by going to the legendary Ortan Thaig, which is dwarven for ‘hideous poison spider ghost hellhole.’

WYNNE: Such a beautiful language.

BLAKE: Okay, that doesn’t sound particularly nice, but if a whole army of dwarves already marched through it, I suspect we’ll be fine. I mean, they had to have already killed most of the monsters and-

[A SPIDER the size of a MINIVAN falls from the ceiling and tackles BLAKE to the ground, savaging her face with its POISON FANGS.]

CORRUPTED SPIDER QUEEN: Hssssssssssss!*

[*TRANSLATED FROM SPIDERESE: My favorite food, people who wander too close to annoying boss fights!]

BLAKE: KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT-

WYNNE: [Releases the long-suffering SIGH of one who is never going to have an HOUR OF FREE TIME for the rest of her LIFE.]

[SCENE: The DEEP ROADS. STILL.]

BLAKE: *Twitches*

ALISTAIR: Erm… honey? Are you-

BLAKE: THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY FACE. IT WAS LARGER THAN AVERAGE.

ALISTAIR: I’ll, erm, give you some time alone.

BLAKE: I CUT OFF ITS HEAD. I SHALL WEAR IT AS A HAT NOW, TO OVERCOME PERSONAL TRAUMA AND BE A BETTER PERSON.

LELIANA: *whispered* B-but she doesn’t have the….

WYNNE: I don’t think you should mention that to her. This is my professional opinion as a psychiatrist.

ZEVRAN: Are you a psychiatrist?

WYNNE: I don’t really need to be to analyze this one.

ZEVRAN: Fair.

OGHREN: Look on the bright side! I think we’re pretty much past the worst part of the Deep Roads. Smooth sailin’ from here, until we find Branka and everything’s great.

[The group turns a CORNER, to find the corridors are suddenly lined with a layer of DISGUSTING FLESH that PULSATES WITH INNER CORRUPTION. It smells of ROTTING MEAT and drips VILE OOZE that steams in the DIM LIGHT of torches that use the FAT of SENTIENT BEINGS as their UNHOLY FUEL. In a ravine below, a HORDE OF DARKSPAWN march toward the SURFACE, bringing with them DISEASE, WAR, AND DEATH. The ARCHDEMON, a dragon of unstoppable power warped by BLIGHT into a TWISTED WINGED NIGHTMARE flies overhead, BLACK FLAME flickering around its RAZOR-EDGED MAW.]

[SCENE: The Dead Trenches.]

OGHREN: See? It must be a nice place. All those guys like it, an’ they can’t all be wrong.

EVERYONE ELSE: [SILENCE]

OGHREN: *belches*

BLAKE: All right, I’m feeling better about spiders, because I have this deep-seated fear popping up that something way worse is about to happen. Anyone else getting the feeling something way worse is about to happen?

ZEVRAN: I genuinely wonder if it could get worse than what we have already seen.

[HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, it CAN. Like, holy crap. I can’t even.]

OGHREN: Does anyone have a sandwich? I’ve been hammering down vodka for like six hours. I could use a snack.

ZEVRAN: You genuinely worry me.

[SCENE: DEEPER in the DEAD TRENCHES which are DEEP in the DEEP ROADS, DEEP. DEEP.]

BLAKE: All right, I think at this point our best option is to not do anything, ever, for any reason. Any door we open will have something awful behind it, so we just won’t open any doors.

ZEVRAN: What if need to open a door to keep going?

BLAKE: Then we stand next to it until we die of old age. Because we can never, ever, open it. Because what’s behind it will be terrible. Look at this place. Everything about it is terrible. Everything we find will be terrible. Everything. Is. Terrible.

ALISTAIR: Honey, you’ve had a bad day, and you have some spider venom in your brain. You’re not thinking clearly. Surely not every path can lead to something awful!

[ALISTAIR opens the first DOOR he finds. Behind is an ANCIENT DARKSPAWN FORGE, surrounded by a small ARMY of the BLOODTHIRSTY BEASTS, at the head a HIDEOUSLY WIZENED and yet TERRIFYINGLY MUSCLED ancient beast, a LEGENDARY BLADE snapped off in its hide from one of many HEROES who have FALLEN BEFORE IT.]

[ALISTAIR closes the DOOR.]

ALISTAIR: Admittedly a bad example.

ZEVRAN: So cute, yet so dumb.

ALISTAIR: What?

ZEVRAN: What?

LELIANA: Let us try zis door!

[LELIANA opens another door. Behind is it is an ANCIENT CRYPT, carved from OBSIDIAN and swirling with the SOULS OF THE DAMNED. The GHOSTS of FALLEN DWARVES, their DARK AURA repelling even the DARKSPAWN, patrol their crypt, ready to SLAUGHTER ANY LIVING THING.]

[LELIANA closes the DOOR.]

BLAKE: ‘Cute but dumb’ is a recurring theme around here, eh?

LELIANA: You realize zat I know you are insulting me?

BLAKE: It’s okay, you’ll forgive me when I give you a present and say you have nice hair.

LELIANA: I cannot argue with zis.

MORRIGAN: This is amusing. Can I open a door next?

BLAKE: No!

[MORRIGAN does not LISTEN. Behind the door is a DWARVEN WOMAN; her eyes are coated in CATARACTS and EMPTY of all HOPE, her clothes torn, her skin COATED in FILTH and hideous BLACK LESIONS, as if she was ROTTING FROM WITHIN. Under her breath, she repeats a terrifying rhyme about the HORRIBLE DEATHS of all her friends and loved ones.]

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, this is the most fascinating door yet.

BLAKE: … … … What is wrong with you.

HORRIFYING DWARF WOMAN: [I… will refrain from repeating the POEM here because if you ever played the GAME, you have heard it for years in your NIGHTMARES. Suffice to say: NEVER EVER BE CAUGHT BY DARKSPAWN.]

OGHREN: Hespith? Damn, you’ve… looked better.

HESPITH: I have been systematically tortured and fed the bloody flesh of my kinsmen for days on end.

OGHREN: Maybe need a bath or somethin’.

HESPITH: Life is over. There is no hope. I seek only oblivion now.

OGHREN: I… shit, does anyone have a beer or somethin’ for her? I drank all mine on the way here to prep me for drinking when we get home to celebrate saving Branka and the clan.

HESPITH: She betrayed us, feeding her entire clan to the Darkspawn. The men are dead. The women are worst. I am the only survivor… … … no. No, I did not survive. My heart still beats, but I am dead. Branka is dead, for there is nothing inside her now but madness and obsession. House Branka is dead.

OGHREN: Erm… I’m still okay?

HESPITH: [SQUINTS] … Oh sweet ancestors, it’s Oghren. I thought I was hallucinating, but the smell of it is worse even than this pit of horrors. Like rotting cheese and a skunk had a baby.

OGHREN: Nice to see you too. How ya doin’?

HESPITH: I thought I was in Hell before, but fate cannot help but drag me that tiny bit lower.

OGHREN: Yeah, running out of beer will do that. So, uh, how is Branka doing? I mean, other than… leaving you to die.

HESPITH: You are familiar with the Anvil of the Void? The legendary tool that allows dwarves to create golems?

OGHREN: I am, and not just because you summarized it right there.

BLAKE: Thanks for doing that, by the way.

HESPITH: You’re welcome. Well, in any case, Branka quite wants it. And she decided everyone else in the world was holding her back.

OGHREN: Even me?

HESPITH: Especially you. Also, I’ve been sleeping with her. For years. Before, during, and after your marriage. You are a cuckold.

OGHREN: … … ... Why would you mention that?

HESPITH: It is literally the only small joy I have left in my existence.

BLAKE: I wish I had met you earlier. I think you and I would have gotten along before you were like… mentally and physically destroyed.

ALISTAIR: She’s right, you know. Oghren does smell like skunk cheese.

LELIANA: I vould have zaid ‘badger garbage,’ but I accept many viewpoints.

MORRIGAN: Truly, dwarfland is a wonderful place. I may retire here one day, when my plans have come to fruition. [PAUSE] Not that I have any plans.

[NOT seeing any real evidence against that ‘TALL DWARF’ theory. If she starts MINING we can pretty much CONFIRM it.]

HESPITH: Well. You people certainly are… special. Let me tell you a fun secret. The way out of the Dead Trenches to where Branka has gone is through the door down this hallway. Have fun.

BLAKE: Is the secret really fun?

HESPITH: [RESUMES saying her CREEPY RHYME.]

BLAKE: Okay, I’m choosing to stay optimistic about the secret. We don’t know for sure it won’t be fun.

[SCENE: Through the DOOR, in a room that looks like the WOMB in which is gestating the baby of SATAN and HITLER.]

BROODMOTHER, HIDEOUSLY BLOATED, PALLID, DEFORMED TENTACLE BEAST FROM THE PITS OF HELL: Hrrrrrrrsssssssss!

BLAKE: WHY DOES IT HAVE BOOBS?!

ALISTAIR: I’M NOT HAVING FUN!

LELIANA: OH GOD THE SMELL IS SO AWFUL I CAN FEEL IT IN MY MOUTH!

ZEVRAN: THE VERY CONCEPT OF SEX HAS BECOME DISGUSTING TO ME!

MORRIGAN: Ooooh, fascinating.

STEN: If you ever wondered why I don’t talk much? This would be why. Moments like this.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You’re the only one of these people I can respect.

BROODMOTHER, THE NIGHTMARE OF SIGMUND FREUD AFTER A WEEK-LONG TRIP THROUGH THE PORN DISTRICTS OF JAPAN: [GIVES birth to a THOUSAND ANGRY YOUNG, who charge at the party, screaming and coated in VILE BLACK OOZE.]

BLAKE: [Throws up.]

OGHREN: Either I’m drunk, or that lady just spat a buncha darkspawn out of her-

BLAKE: YOU’RE DRUNK AND THAT HAPPENED.

OHGREN: Damn. That’s like, 50% bad.

WYNNE: [Just SIGHS and starts casting the HEALING SPELLS. ALISTAIR is already being CHEWED ON.]

[SCENE: Still in the DEEP ROADS, and interlocking WEB of tunnels that nonetheless still only have ONE ROUTE to FOLLOW.]

BLAKE: [CLEANING something off her FACE that one probably shouldn’t THINK ABOUT too hard.] All right. All right. All right. We are sure the thing is dead, yes? We are sure? Because we’ll have to come back this way and I wanna know. I never, ever want to see another of those again. Ever.

[Hahaha… yeah, ABOUT THAT.]

BLAKE: You stay out of this. Sten, did you perform the operation?

STEN: [Holds up BROODMOTHER’S disgusting head.] I’m not sure why I’m the one who has to carry this.

BLAKE: Because you’re the biggest. You have the most meat to get through if it comes alive and starts trying to eat people.

STEN: I have grown to hate you.

BLAKE: Don’t be uncool about this, Sten. I’ll reward you. Two extra portions of gruel for you at the camp this evening.

ALISTAIR: We have other food, you know. You don’t have to feed us gruel all the time.

BLAKE: And you don’t have to talk, but that’s never stopped you.

MORRIGAN: [SIGHS WISTFULLY.] Have I ever told you that I’d ride you like a stallion if you were a guy?

BLAKE: You have, and it never stops being off-putting.

MORRIGAN: You know it, tiger.

BLAKE: You know, the only reason I’m even still sane is that we have just been through a ridiculous mess that was longer than the stupid elf forest and the stupid wizard tower combined. So I know we’re done. Okay? This has to be the end.

[Because BLAKE still has not learned to TEMPT FATE for some reason, a DWARF appears on the rocky cliffs above them, looking down, even as a huge metal gate SLAMS SHUT behind the party.]

CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS: Done? Fools! You have an entire dungeon left, bwahahahahahahaha!

OGHREN: Honey bear!

WACK-A-DOODLE DANDY: Eh? Who are you?

OGHREN: It’s me! Oghren!

ONE PICKAXE SHORT OF A DWARF MINE: Who?

OGHREN: … Your husband? You… we were married for years?

LOONEY TUNES, WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM: Gonna have to be more specific. I used to have a lot of relatives, before I fed them all to the darkspawn to further my insane goals. They all kind of blend together in the razor-filled soup that is my mind. [PAUSES.] Bwahahahahahahaha!

OGHREN: *sigh* Everyone, this is Branka.

BLAKE: [BLINKS a few times.] So, hey, Leliana, you may have just graduated to having the second-worst ex out of anyone in the party. Congrats.

LELIANA: Ze trick is to shine by comparison.

BRANKA: None may shine but Branka! Am I not the greatest of all dwarves? Did I not come up with the brilliant plan to find the Anvil of the Void by opening the door and letting infinite darkspawn funnel in until the traps in front of it just stop working from getting too much blood in them? Did I not abandon all of my friends and family to a fate worse than death, letting them be defiled and mutated into hideous bloated monsters, in order to ensure this supply?

[SILENCE.]

BLAKE: I… um… holy shit, did you?

BRANKA: I did!

BLAKE: Sweet Andraste’s ass. Leliana, the ambiguity is gone. You win. You win forever. I miss Marjolaine. I would pay literal money to have Marjolaine standing here in front of us right now.

LELIANA: [Grins SMUGLY.]

STEN: I do believe we have met a leader worse than our own. I had considered this to be nearly impossible. But the world is a strange and many-faceted place, full of new experiences and diverse peoples. [PAUSE.] I look forward to the day my people conquer and destroy it all.

BLAKE: Hey. Eat a dick, buddy.

STEN: I am not hungry.

BRANKA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’ll need to find your way through all the traps and reach the Anvil of the Void to escape this terrible dungeon, you fools! [PAUSE] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MORRIGAN: I actually forgot she was here. Do you suppose we should proceed forward? I should like to have this Anvil for my own use, of course, but honestly more than anything I suspect we’ll need to kill that one at the end of this whole mess, and I deeply wish to.

OGHREN: We’re not killing her, crazy-tits! She’s my wife!

MORRIGAN: You saying that only makes me want to kill her more.

WYNNE: Sweet Andraste, I think I actually semi-agree with Morrigan.

MORRIGAN: That’s weird.

BRANKA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MORRIGAN: Though also, in this one case, understandable.

BLAKE: Wow. I… this might be the first time we’ve all agreed on something. Branka is annoying enough to kill. Unanimous vote?

OGHREN: I said no!

BLAKE: Unanimous it is.

[SCENE: A cave that looks pretty much like EVERY cave. The DEEP ROADS are so INTERESTING.]

BLAKE: All right. She said there would be traps, so we can assume things are going to be troublesome here.

LELIANA: But my love, we ‘ave me ‘ere to disarm all ze traps we might see.

BLAKE: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Y-you’re gonna disarm the trapsHAHAHAHAHAHA!

LELIANA: Zis makes you happy, I see.

BLAKE: [WIPES AWAY a tear of mirth.] S-sure. That’s why I was laughing. I can’t think of any other reason I might be laughing. It’s not as though every single trap we’ve ever encountered in this entire game has exploded in our faces because you don’t notice them until we’re already standing in them half the time. I’d never think such things.

LELIANA: I know vous would not. Now, as my approval has hit ze high 70’s and we ‘ave done my sidequest, let us make passionate love when next we return to camp.

BLAKE: … … … Sometimes you people being dumbasses works out for me.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.

[BLAKE reaches out and pushes ALISTAIR one step FORWARD, setting off a HORRIBLE TRAP.]

LELIANA: [OBSERVING THIS] Trap, right ahead!

[The HALLWAY fills with POISONOUS GAS, causing ALISTAIR to fall to his knees and begin CHOKING to DEATH. Even as this occurs, GOLEMS wake up on either side of the HALLWAY, preparing to PULVERIZE him.]

MORRIGAN: ‘Tis like every birthday present my mother never bothered to give me because birthdays are for the weak, delivered to me all at once.

WYNNE: [NARROWS EYES.] You people just delight in making my job harder, don’t you? You kill Alistair all you want, and then I have to heal him. You think that’s easy? Or fun? I would like to have time to read a nice book from time to time, not just put everyone’s kidneys back in their bodies.

ALISTAIR: Sweet Andraste my kidneys! They’re out of my body, because of the golems!

WYNNE: You’re being quite inconvenient, young man!

[SCENE: The NEXT HALLWAY.]

BLAKE: Okay. Everyone, this hallways seems much nicer than the first one. I suspect it to be a, you know, breather after the first hallway. I think that one of you should get to lead the way, and really enjoy it.

STEN: I can see the golems standing there. On the sides.

BLAKE: No, you don’t.

STEN: Yes, I do. I see them.

BLAKE: They might not be golems. They might just be statues.

STEN: They look exactly like the other golems, from the first hallway. Whoever goes first will clearly be beaten horribly by them.

BLAKE: We don’t know that. And I think it’s worth sending in Oghren in first to check.

STEN: Oh. I didn’t realize you were building to that. Yes, then, I agree.

OGHREN: The hell, you guys?!

DOG: Woof, woof!

OGHREN: Thank you.

BLAKE: He was actually saying that your smell sickens him and he hopes your death removes it from the world.

OGHREN: … Yer dog’s a jerk.

BLAKE: [Reaches out a HAND, and shoves OGHREN one step FORWARD.]

[NOTHING happens.]

OGHREN: … … Huh. Maybe this hallway actually was a breather. I mean, nothing seems to be…

[GIANT RAZOR-EDGED BUZZSAWS erupt from the floor and ceiling, burying OGHREN in a STORM of BLADES.]

MORRIGAN: Whoever designed this place has a very interesting sense of humor. I wonder if they design swamp cottages? I really was looking to trade up.

BLAKE: On the plus side, the golems don’t seem to have woken… oh, never mind, there they do.

OGHREN: Oh ancestors, my kidneys!

LELIANA: Trap, right ahead!

[SCENE: The FINAL puzzle room. It is a large, open chamber, with a large FOUR-FACED STATUE in the middle surrounded by ANVILS.]

BLAKE: Okay, so this chamber is probably the breather one. Zevran, you go first!

ZEVRAN: I thought you liked me.

BLAKE: I’m running low on sacrificial lambs.

ZEVRAN: Send Morrigan!

BLAKE: She’s scarier than you.

MORRIGAN: It’s true!

ZEVRAN: [Sighs DEEPLY and steps FORWARD.]

STATUE: [Comes ALIVE and begins spawning an ARMY OF GHOSTS.]

ZEVRAN: Oh, that isn’t so bad. At least no poison gas or razor blades hit me.

ALISTAIR: Screw you.

OGHREN: Seriously.

[What FOLLOWS is what is known in video-game parlance as a PUZZLE BOSS. In this particular case, the HEROES must destroy the GHOSTS, which causes an ANVIL to activate. Then you ACTIVATE the anvil to attack the MAIN STATUE. This sounds kind of INTERESTING.]

[It is NOT.]

ZEVRAN: *Yawn*

MORRIGAN: Oh my non-existent Maker, these things are so tedious. We’ve turned on these damnable anvils five times already and it’s just won’t end.

BLAKE: I think it’s just three more, guys. Come on, this is clearly meant to be the puzzle that makes people stop coming for the Anvil of the Void because they get bored and go grab lunch instead. We just have to power through it.

WYNNE: I could do without the statue shooting just enough damage to be annoying but not enough to kill anyone.

BLAKE: We could all do without that, Wynne, but you don’t see us whining about it.

LELIANA: Vould anyone like to take a break for lunch? We ‘ave been in ze Deep Roads for a long time, and zis stupid boss…

BLAKE: No! Look, we have to be near the end. I know it’s tedious, but we gotta get this done, and then we go back to the surface and never, ever come back.

ALISTAIR: Who would possibly be cruel enough to design this place?

[SCENE: BIOWARE OFFICES.]

PROGRAMMER: Hey, Bob. We have all the major quests for Dragon Age: Origins ready except the two you were supposed to design. Do you happen to have them set?

RAOUL: [Twists his SINISTER MOUSTACHE while looking with GLEE at the completed maps for the DEEP ROADS and the CIRCLE TOWER. They take up his ENTIRE DESK and most of the one NEXT to it.] Yes… yesssssssssssss…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PROGRAMMER: You’ve been weird ever since you grew that moustache, Bob.

[SCENE: The ANVIL OF THE VOID. The great device itself gleams with flame; and who can say whether this is the POWER within it, or merely the UNTOLD MAJESTY of the lava fields it OVERLOOKS? Standing before it is the most ORNATE and POWERFUL of all golems, forged not from STONE but from interlocking, rune-covered STEEL PLATES. It gives off an aura of quiet power and DIGNITY.]

BLAKE: You can go to Hell and die, jackass.

GOLEM: … Excuse me?

BLAKE: Oh. OH! I’m sorry. I thought you were going to be another goddamn boss fight. Just that we’ve gone through like six at this point.

GOLEM: Oh. Right, you must be the ones I heard fighting the four-faced statue. Did you have fun?

BLAKE: …

MORRIGAN: I’m going to kill it and make a cooking pot of its skull.

ZEVRAN: I shall cook delightful Antivan dishes in it.

DOG: Bark, bark.

BLAKE: You don’t want to know what he said. And now, let’s all kill this thing.

GOLEM: Wait, wait. I would like to offer you an alternative path. You see, I may look like a giant metal golem, but I am actually Caridin, the original creator of this mighty anvil you see before you.

BLAKE: Huh. Interesting. I’m sorry I called you a thing, then. Kill this guy, everyone.

CARIDIN: Would you please stop.

BLAKE: Sorry, I’m in a bad mood. I’ll allow you to talk.

MORRIGAN: But my cooking pot!

BLAKE: I will buy you a cooking pot.

MORRIGAN: You never let me have anything I want.

BLAKE: We would get you things that you want, but you always want evil! Caridin, just ignore her, she’s the evil one.

CARIDIN: I’m actually getting the impression most of you are pretty evil.

BLAKE: Leliana and Wynne are nice.

ALISTAIR: What about me?

BLAKE: You don’t count, because to be ‘good’ you have to be smart enough to have some general idea of what is going on around you in the universe. Much like a goldfish isn’t good or evil, you aren’t.

ALISTAIR: I love you too, dear.

CARIDIN: … Sure. Anyway, what I was going to say here, is that you should actually destroy this Anvil. Because you see, Golems are people.

BLAKE: Oh. Um. I should probably mention we killed like twelve on our way here.

CARIDIN: I… oh, shit. Was one of those Jeff? Because Jeff owed me twenty silver.

ALISTAIR: How would we know?

CARIDIN: He was made of stone.

LELIANA: Zat narrows it down very little. Also, how are ze golems made of ze people? I ‘ave seen zem, and zey are in fact made of ze stone, or in vous case ze metal.

CARIDIN: … What even is your accent?

BLAKE: Hey! We’ve already been over that. It doesn’t need to make sense. Tell us the story of your stupid past and don’t lead us off on any tangents, or we’ll be on it for another damn hour.

ALISTAIR: Hey, have you guys ever thought about pudding?

BLAKE: NO TANGENTS.

CARIDIN: Well. The way I discovered to make golems was to shove a person into a giant rock suit, and then pour molten hot magic rocks on them. But it wasn’t until they made me a golem that I realized: this was bad.

BLAKE: ……………….

LELIANA: ………………….

WYNNE: ………………….

MORRIGAN: I don’t see the issue.

BLAKE: Morrigan! Stop helping!

WYNNE: You truly didn’t see the issue with pouring molten rock on your people, sir golem-dwarf?

CARIDIN: Well, they were poor.

MORRIGAN: Makes perfect sense to me!

ZEVRAN: You terrify me. And I am an assassin.

STEN: In my country, we would have cut his eyes out and sewn his mouth shut.

ZEVRAN: Erm… as punishment for… mutilating thousands of his own people?

STEN: No, we just do that to anyone who uses magic. As is right and proper.

ZEVRAN: I… am an assassin. And I am not the scariest person on this team. I… how did this happen? I mean, I still have my position as the sexy one, but still.

BLAKE: Oh, whatever. You know what? I don’t even care. Let’s just break this thing and go home, it’s not like we actually like Bhelen. No need for another stupid boss fight.

BRANKA: DID SOMEONE ORDER ANOTHER STUPID BOSS FIGHT?!

BLAKE: [Kind of TWITCHES.]

[SCENE: ORZAMMAR, about a MONTH LATER. The team WANDERS into the CITY, because to WALK into a city you need to have some DIGNITY REMAINING. NOBODY looks very HAPPY, nobody is TALKING, and BLAKE still has a bit of BRANKA on her.]

OGHREN: …. Did ya really have to cut off her…

BLAKE: I SWEAR I WILL EAT YOUR HEART.

STEN: She may in fact do it. Her mind is unstable. [PAUSES] More than the rest of you, I mean.

LELIANA: Oh, and you are ze paragon of sanity?

STEN: I am a member of a fanatical expansionist brainwashing cult. [PAUSES] So yes.

WYNNE: I miss my demon-infested tower.

OGHREN: But now, seriously, you cut off her-

BLAKE: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

[SCENE: Inside the DWARVEN ASSEMBLY HALL.]

BHELEN: I should be king!

HARROWMONT: Nuh-uh!

BHELEN: Uh-huh!

DWARVEN POLITICIAN: Sweet ancestors, the chance to see such wondrous political masters at work is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

DWARVEN POLITICIAN 2: The pinnacle of dwarven culture, we see before us.

BHELEN: You smell!

HARROWMONT: Your mom smells!

[The AIR grows COLD. BLAKE enters. Nobody seems HAPPY TO SEE HER.]

BLAKE: Everyone. Shut up. Bhelen, you are king now. Paragon said so. And if anyone questions it, I will gut everyone in this room.

HARROWMONT: Which para-

[SCENE: BHELEN’s THRONE ROOM.]

BHELEN: I can’t believe she cut off all their-

OGHREN: Shit, quiet, she’s waking up, don’t let her hear you say that.

BLAKE: Uuuuugh… my head hurts…

MORRIGAN: [With one BLACK EYE, and walking on CRUTCHES.] Oh, yes, once again the real problem is how uncomfortable you are. Bitch.

ALISTAIR: Are you okay, my little rose blossom? I’m afraid you had a… tiny episode.

WYNNE: The Dwarves no longer have a senate. I’m not sure that’s tiny.

LELIANA: She was not foaming at ze mouth like after ze mage tower, that’s a step in ze right direction.

ZEVRAN: I have to guess the new king won’t be happy, though…

BHELEN: Actually, I was probably going to have them all killed and blame it on foreigners eventually. Now I don’t have to put in the effort, so hey, win-win.

BLAKE: … … … I think I have dwarf blood in my mouth.

STEN: There was some biting. It was quite efficient. I assume you learned it from your exceptional dog.

DOG: Bark, bark!

STEN: You remain the only one of this group I respect.

BLAKE: I… ugh. You know what, screw it. Things ended well…

WYNNE: Not for the dwarves you bit to death!

BLAKE: Not counting them. And Bhelen will give me his army now. Won’t he?

BHELEN: Of course. The dwarves always stand ready to face our ancient foes, the Darkspawn, be it beneath the ground or above it. I shall give you the sum total of my military force, the mightiest army on Thedas. I shall give you an overwhelming horde of professional killers, each one weaned on the blood of their foes. I shall give you… [PAUSE for DRAMATIC EFFECT]… fifty soldiers!

[BLAKE takes this information IN.]

[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE in DENERIM]

LOGHAIN: So my daughter, the queen? She was asking if I had her husband killed to take his throne and now I’m locking her in the palace so she can’t run the country without me.

TIM CURRY: Oh shit, what did you tell her?

LOGHAIN: I kind of coughed and pretended I didn’t hear her. I mean, how do you reply to that?

TIM CURRY: We should kill her.

LOGHAIN: I… what? No. She’s my daughter, you asshole. We’re not killing her.

TIM CURRY: I’d kill her if she was my daughter. Watch, let me get my daughter.

LOGHAIN: No! Dude, nobody’s daughter is getting killed. We’ll just keep her locked up until I defeat everyone who thinks I shouldn’t be running the country, then kill all the Grey Wardens, then defeat the infinite horde of monsters. It’s all just tactics, really. Then she can have her country back.

TIM CURRY: I’ll get a knife.

LOGHAIN: Stop that. Seriously, I’m really questioning why I let you in on this conspira-

[An ear-splitting SHRIEK, like a TORTURED CAT being STEPPED ON by an ELEPHANT with a FOOT INFECTION that is being RIDDEN by an easily started OPERA SINGER, rings through the PALACE. No, the WORLD. Carried by the endless chasms of the DEEP ROADS, it ECHOES into ETERNITY, bringing with it a WAVE of almost PALPABLE FRUSTRATION that makes everyone who hears it feel SLIGHTLY WORSE about the way their LIFE has been going so far.]

LOGHAIN: …

TIM CURRY: …

LOGHAIN: You know, I got the strangest feeling that was like, exactly fifty dwarves worth of rage. Don’t ask me why. Weird, right?

TIM CURRY: So… um… wanna sell some city elves into slavery to pay for our war?

LOGHAIN: Do I ever!

#Dragon Age: Origins #Fanfic #My Writing #days of our dragon age

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emm-roose · 8 years ago

Text

My Thoughts on Pirates 5

So, I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men tell no tales (or Salazar’s Revenge, depending on where you live), and though that has been three days ago by now, I just can no longer keep this in.

Under here, there will be spoilers and not-so-positive words on the movie. Read with caution.

So it’s surely not known to anybody here, but I’ve been an epic Pirates of the Caribbean fangirl when I was 12 years old. For YEARS, I’ve dreamed of going on an adventure with the sneaky and clever Jack Sparrow, the handsome and kind Will Turner, the Badass Elizabeth Swan. Then Will and Elizabeth left the movies, and the fourth was okay. Not great, but okay.

I kind of fell out of the fandom after the fourth movie: Penelope Cruz’ character kind of annoyed me the entire movie, and I was certainly not looking forward on watching another two-hour feature with her (though I obviously still was going to, because c’mon it’s Pirates, it’s my entire youth...)

And then she wasn’t in the movie; instead they introduced two entirely new characters; William Turner Jr. Jr. (okay no, Henry, I was trying to be funny but I wasn’t), and the familiar woman I’m sure I’ve seen before but just can’t place (and I’ve looked it up right after that and it was from The Maze Runner. I feel dumb now). Sure, cool, I’m open for that, except for the fact that Jack, Will AND Elizabeth still look to freaking young to have aged about twenty years. Where are those grey hairs, peeps, there don’t have to be many, but at least keep it realistic okay? Realistically, Jack was already much older than Will and Elizabeth, so he must literally be gray right now in multiple areas on his head. (that, or dead due to liver failure, but we know Disney won’t be going that way)

And here comes a new villain; he looks cool, he looks awesome, his hair looks like he’s permanently under water and I love it. Still; HERE COMES A VILLAIN EVEN MORE VILLAINOUS THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE OH NO WHAT SHALL WE DO? If this dude’s so evil evil over the top evil, surely mentions must have been made of this; How is Jack not the most popular Pirate in the entire world? He destroyed the Pirate Destroyer? Make him ultimate emperor of the Pirates, damn it.

In the flashback we see a young jack (which sometimes looked a bit creepy and out of proportion) defeating this biggest villain to ever villain, and receiving all of the stuff that makes Jack Jack. That includes the compass (which happens BEFORE he kills Salazar). The very same Compass he supposedly got from Tia Dalma (aka Calypso) as mentioned in Dead Men’s Chest in 2006. Now if this is just a continuity error or Disney just ignoring canonical events, we’ll probably never know. We can make up stories on how the compass got stolen and Jack went on a year-long quest to find it back, only to end up at Tia Dalma’s and finding it there. In the end, that isn’t even the biggest of my worries.

In this flashback we see a young and fresh Jack Sparrow - who hasn’t even earned the name Sparrow yet - using his brain, his wit and thinking out of the box to destroy his enemy. Soak in it, of course, because that’s the only real moment of Jack Sparrow you’ll ever see in this movie. The rest was more a weird and disappointing version of Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp who has probably quite obviously played the Mad Hatter one time too many.

Only, the Mad Hatter, too, was smart. This version of Jack was just plainly stupid. There was no cleverness, no pretend to be dumb but actually being the greatest genius of them all. All he did was getting caught one way or another, being locked up or tied up somewhere without being able to escape without any help, and literally losing his sword only two seconds in any fight (not that there were many fights this movie, but it’s safe to say that Jack doesn’t win any of them).

I mean, we’re talking about the guy who fought Davy Jones. The guy who fought Barbossa. Who fought Norrington and Will Turner at the same time! Who decided to spend his last few seconds attempting to kill the Kraken, knowing that he wouldn’t survive anyway. Sure, not in every fight does he get to keep his sword, but at least there he uses other ways to fight.

Now, we are quite a few years further; Jack probably hasn’t seen Will or Elizabeth in quite a long while (except if maybe Jack comes to drink tea at the Flying Dutchman to catch up - let me have my dreams okay?). Then suddenly Will’s kid shows up there, and it seems like Jack doesn’t even care at all. Sure, he can joke about how that demonic couple has spawned a kid (I’m not entirely sure what his actual words were here) because Jack is a jokester who doesn’t like to admit he cares. But Jack is also somebody who gave up his shot at eternity on the sea to save his (sort-of) friend. When he had the chance to stab the heart - and he really was going to do it - he instead helped Will doing it to save his life (kind of, because being undead isn’t really saving him either...). Even though many years have passed, not even a single bit of emotion went through Jack upon the mention of Henry being Wilizabeth’s son.

I should probably just discuss everything in a time-line because this is becoming messy. Let’s just start from the beginning.

We start with a scene where small-boy Henry goes to visit his father under the sea. The father who seems to have caught up to the Davy Jones’ curse in only one year (more or less), since he seemed perfectly fine in the after-credits of At World’s End in 2007. How did that even happen? How could Will possibly not follow his duty and guide the dead? Also, I’m pretty sure Elizabeth must have had a few heart-attacks if her kid just randomly runs away at night to drown himself in an attempt to try and talk to his father. Huh, maybe she should have tried the same to get to talk with her husband once in a while?

Skipping the scene where Henry is older and meets up with Salazar, we get to Jack’s introduction. He ends up appearing in a supposedly unbreakable safe. How he got there, nobody knows. Nobody probably cares, either. Now, I thought he was acting a bit weird back then already, but I just figured he was pretty drunk. His way of talking as just... off, sounding a tad bit too much like a combination of Willy Wonka and the Mad Hatter. There happens the whole scene with the bank, which was unrealistic and kind of funny, but also a little bit too long. of course, we can’t complain about everything, so I’ll just take that one as it is.

Jack ends up getting nothing out of the gold robbery, his crew decides to give up on him (which they probably should have done a long time ago), and Jack eventually gets even so desperate to get some rum that he gives away the compass.

Now that made an alarm bell in my head go off; why would Jack give up his compass for a stupid bottle of rum? Sure, he’s given it up quite a few times in the previous movies, but always with the intention of getting it back in an undetermined amount of time. And how can something so stupid as giving the compass away lead to Salazar being freed? What does this compass have in common with the guy in the first place? How does Salazar even know that after being stuck undead for so long??

Of course, I let that one slide because Jack is desperate, probably depressed, and not really aware of what he’s doing. It stung, but manageable.

Then, he doesn’t even get to drink his rum, instead being arrested the moment he walks outside. The compass is in the hands of a random barman (but not for long) and Jack is behind bars, to be hanged the next day.

Of course, Henry catches this happening, dresses up as a guard and goes to confront the guy he’s heard so much about. He was probably as disappointed as I was to find what Jack was really like in person (in this movie). Jack created a (useless) doll dressed as him (what even for?), ended up wearing no pants, and got in a small discussion with Henry before the young man comes up with a plan involving a very smart and beautiful girl that he met when he was injured.

Coincidentally, Jack and Carina are about to be executed at the same time. Jack talks and talks, being generally unfunny (in my opinion), until Henry comes up and announces that he’s actually the distraction, meaning that Jack had no idea about this plan in the first place. Jack’s previous crew comes to his rescue, and they manage to escape in their crappy boat which surprisingly still floats despite being called the dying seagull.

There are some hooker-jokes, more power struggles, Barbossa suddenly has the Compass thanks to a sea witch that came out of nowhere and got it out of nowhere, and ends up helping Salazar, only to doublecross him again later on.

Jack suggests a mutiny, ending up with him, Henry and Carina in a row boat on their way to a faraway island. Now here I thought; hey, he has a plan. He’s going to do something clever?

No, instead he’s going to make sexual jokes about a girl about thirty years younger than him, and not getting anything done other than accidentally getting stuck on a shark and tagging Henry along with it. They end up on an island where the undead can’t go, and ends up getting caught in a trap. This is now the second time he got himself caught, just to keep count. He wakes up during a wedding - his own wedding (what even?) and Barbossa is there to save the day because Jack is now officially too stupid to get himself out of anything anymore. Barbossa there decides to doublecross Salazar, takes Jack captive (which makes it the third time), and discovers that Carina is his daughter (he better never hear about Jack looking at her in her underwear).

Jack, during the entire ride, stays bound to the mast. By then I have even given up on the hope that he will get himself out of that. Instead, he’s trying to be a matchmaker and tries to get Hector to talk about being a father. I can’t even remember how he got out of the ropes but it was surely not by his own hands.

Meanwhile, the EITC arrives and questions Jack former crew. Right after that, they’re killed by Salazar, making their appearance even more insignificant really. Jack’s crew is somewhere I don’t remember at the moment.

More blablabla, Carina discovers the hidden island, the sea separates Moses-wise, and they find the trident. Jack battles Salazar-in-Henry (for only a few seconds) while Carina tries to get the trident out. After losing his sword, Jack just mostly tries to avoid Salazar and doesn’t put up much of a fight (if my memory serves me right, don’t shoot me if I’m wrong, I was really losing interest in the movie at this point). Much more blablabla, Salazar is out of Henry’s body, Jack gets stabbed, the new not-yet-couple breaks the trident and with that rids the world of every (current) curse on the sea (which would actually mean that Will would fall dead on the spot, right? Since he doesn’t have a heart anymore? No? Fuck logic then). Jack seems instantly healed, despite being stabbed in the chest. Barbossa saves the day by being badass as he is, and then sacrifices himself to kill Salazar, who is now human again.

And that’s the whole freaking point; Barbossa kills Salazar. This entire movie has been brought to us with: Salazar wants his revenge on his arch-nemesis Jack Sparrow. Salazar wants Jack dead. Jack is being hunted by a monster he bothered in the past.

Now let me put up a few things

- Jack shoots Barbossa (the man who took his beloved Pearl from him and turned his crew against him), Will puts the medallion with blood back into the treasure to lift the curse, Barbossa dies

- Jack is hunted by a gigantic beast for an entire movie. When his ship is attacked his first instinct is to run off, but eventually he returns and throws a bad-ass shot to burn the Kraken’s tentacles and scare the beast off. In return, he’s being cuffed to the Pearl, unable to get away. When the Kraken then returns, Jack puts up his hat, picks up his sword and dives into the beast mouth with his weapon held up high, attempting to kill it but knowing he won’t be able to, thus dying in the process.

- Jack holds the heart of Davy Jones in his hand with a broken sword in the other, he watches the only (kind of) friend he has die, and literally puts the sword in said (kind of) friend’s hand to help him stab the heart.

- Jack orders the Pearl to engage in combat even though the Dutchman has just sunk to go against Beckett’s ship and there’s no possible way of surviving. When the Dutchman re-emerges, they together destroy Beckett’s vessel and scare off the entire fleet

- Jack tricks Blackbeard into drinking from the wrong cup to save a woman he cares quite a lot about (possibly Loves?), by playing immense mind tricks on them. Angelica gets more years, Blackbeard perishes.

- Jack hangs hopelessly on an anchor, doing nothing really other than climbing up, with his enemy on his tail. Eventually, Barbossa sacrifices himself to stab the bastard, killing Salazar and himself to save the others.

Now tell me, which one isn’t like the others?

Anyway, it goes on; we get the Wilizabeth reunion, which made me weep in my seat, literally crying like a baby that just lost her favorite toy. That moment broke my heart in a good way because they’re FINALLY together after all those years <3 <3. And then there’s Jack, being utterly disgusted at what’s happening there.

The Jack we had hoped would be reunited with Wilizabeth even for just a few seconds, is watching everything happening safely from the Pearl, making unnecessary comments on how disgusting it all is (I can just hope he’s joking there). The same Jack who watched Wilizabeth get together, who saw Elizabeth weep when Will died. The Jack who - yes I’m bringing this up again - gave up his chance at eternal life to save Will. I can understand if he doesn’t like Elizabeth, she did feed him to the Kraken after all. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one disappointed that there isn’t any interaction between the original trio.

In the end, Jack FINALLY gets the Pearl back (and now finally the discussion of whose ship the Pearl is is over, because that was honestly getting old after a while), Will somehow magically has his heart back into his chest and leaves his crew to figure it out on their own (what even happened to his father?), and goes to live with Elizabeth in a house that’s probably too expensive for them but ey, they’re pirates, who knows where they got the money from.

Suddenly comes in: Davy Jones (aka my most favorite villain of all time). Of course, only his shadow. At first they try to make it out as a nightmare of Will’s, but then they reveal the scales or whatever underneath his bed, teasing that it was in fact Davy Jones. For a supposed finale of a franchise, that doesn’t look too much like a finale to me.

Anyway, I need to add that everything I said here is how I experienced the movie as a long-time fan. This is all my opinion, and you shouldn’t be obligated to share it. People find it Jack’s best performance of all, but all I can say to that is; have they even watched the previous four movies? I feel like it’s the worst portrayal of Jack Sparrow of all times, and the tears I let out at the Wilizabeth reunion weren’t only out of happiness that my long-time OTP got back together, but also at the disappointment at how they literally butchered Jack Sparrow’s smart and innovative character in an attempt to make the comic relief even bigger than in the previous movies. To me, Jack was more of a mascot in here, while the others are the actual heroes. Jack doesn’t even deserve to look so badass in the poster, since he’s absolutely nothing like that in the movie at all. If they wanted to stay accurate to his character during this movie, they better should have had him stick out his tongue while trying to get the last drop of rum out of the bottle.

All in all, the movie wasn’t bad, but I’m not giving it a watch again in the future, instead keeping myself happy with the Jack I know and love from the first three movies (and kind of the fourth, but that’s not really one of my favorite movies so I’m probably only watching that one once every five years)

Anyway, do you agree? Do you disagree? Let’s start a debate (without fighting ofcourse)

#Spoilers #pirates of the caribbean spoilers #salazar's revenge #jack sparrow #they butchered his character #he was horrible to look at #I cried out of disappointment #wilizabeth #willizabeth #will turner #elizabeth swan #henry turner #carina smyth #carina barbossa #hector barbossa #captain salazar

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sueboohscorner · 7 years ago

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The Originals Ep 506 Recap “What, Will, I, Have, Left” #TheOriginals

Antoinette and Elijah answer an unexpected knock at the door. It’s Greta, come to drop in on her more-or-less estranged daughter, with ulterior motives from hell. She isn’t exactly subtle about informing the couple that Antoinette’s brother, Roman, is dating Hope Mikaelson, and she fears that Klaus will harm her son to protect his daughter. Elijah, stripped of his emotional connection to Klaus, only knows of his brother’s bloody reputation. His white knight nature and devotion to Antoinette guarantees he’ll do exactly what Greta has planned.

Speaking of the young couple, they’re road-tripping, having a grand old time, because Hope hasn’t yet realized her boytoy is evil AF. Poor girl. We’ve all dated the wrong guy at some point. She realizes someone is using a tracking spell on her, so she does a spell of her own to thwart them, then drops both her and Roman’s phones on the side of the road to stymy modern tracking options as well.

As they arrive at the middle-of-nowhere creepy house where Roman is delivering Hope, per his mother’s wishes, he at least starts to feel a little bit bad about it. He stops her from touching the doorknob until he disables a warding spell that was no doubt intended to neutralize her. As a result, she walks in, awake and aware, able to see her mother chained to a chair! Finally, the poor girl starts to recognize that Roman is far from Romeo. But it’s too late: Roman slaps her in chains, disabling her witchy-woo.

Caroline and Klaus are on the road together, looking for Hope and Roman. They have some wonderful scenes together which are the emotional high point for this episode (the episode is excellent top to bottom, but it would be unremittingly dark without the Klaroline scenes, so thank you for that!).

It’s Caroline who has got the tracking spell going, thanks to a class of witches back at the Salvatore school. The spell fails, so she admits that “Find My iPhone” will have to suffice. (I guess The CW no longer has an exclusive sponsorship arrangement with Windows. Remember how hilarious it was when Bonnie and Elena would suggest to each other, “Just Bing it!”)

Of course, the iPhones were ditched on the side of the road, as we saw earlier. I guess the kids don’t use passwords, because Klaus and Caroline are instantly going through the phones for information, and Klaus finds the final piece of the puzzle: Roman and Greta posing together. Caroline calmly identifies the woman in the photo as Roman’s mom.

And Roman is a total mama’s errand boy. He’s kind of whining at his mom over the phone because he’s starting to realize her plans are maybe more sinister than she’d told him, and he kind of likes this girl and would prefer not to piss her off for all time because then she’ll probably never sleep with him. I mean, he doesn’t say all that, but it’s the whiny subtext. I hate this brat.

Back in NOLA, another subplot concerning people’s right to make informed choices is unfolding. That’s a major theme this season; I’m getting. This time, it’s about Declan, who’s finally really distraught about Hayley’s unexplained absence, because I guess it has been so much longer than she usually ghosts him at a time. Freya feels bad for him and is about to let him in on the whole supernatural enchilada, but Vincent puts a stop to it. They have a big debate about Declan’s right to know what’s going on, and Vincent even comes around to Freya’s side once Ivy weighs in on it too. But what’s interesting to me is that no one brings up the fact that Hayley chose not to tell this guy the whole truth throughout their entire relationship. Hayley has made her own decision about what he should know, and they’re not even considering her in all this.

Roman’s nervous about how his mom is probably kind of an evil psychopath on her way to murder the girl he likes, so he calls Antoinette and tells her some of what’s up. She’s all uh-oh, but her choice to disavow daylight rings means that she can’t just immediately catch up to Elijah and fill him in about her mom’s deception.

Hayley and Hope have agreed to submit to the Moonstone ritual, and they do Hayley first. I don’t know, maybe a proof of concept or something. As soon as it’s done, Hayley bites the witch, and Hope snaps Roman’s vile neck, but it’s no good; Hayley’s just a vampire now, and it’s daylight, and she doesn’t have a ring. They’re trapped in the farmhouse of horrors, waiting for Greta.

Greta walks in and knocks Hope out, and Roman is starting to see just how deep in the shit he is. She wants him to prove his loyalty to her and the movement, and more insidiously. She recognizes that he’s softening toward these people, and she knows that the way to end that softness once and for all is to make him do something unthinkable so he’ll have to harden his heart to live with it: She orders him to kill Hope. The total loser whimpers, “Please don’t make me do it,” and I hate him more than ever. Roman? You don’t even really care if Hope dies, as long as your guilt is through inaction rather than direct attack? Go straight to hell, you little weasel.

All parties converge on the farmhouse, and Elijah attacks Klaus, preventing him from getting inside to save Hayley and Hope. Caroline gets neck-snapped and is out of the fight, leaving brother vs. brother.

Inside, Hayley tries to protect Hope, but Hayley’s weakened from the ritual, and Greta still has a daylight ring, so this fight is profoundly mismatched. Greta quickly gets the better of Hayley and plunges her hand into Hayley’s chest.

As Hayley is about to die, she does the math. This is her final chance to try to save her daughter. She rips off Greta’s finger, sending the daylight ring to the floor, then yanks them both out into the sunlight. She dies, but she takes that Nazi bitch out with her. It’s as good a death as one could ask for, ask Captain America.

RIP Hayley. You were too good for this world.

Final thoughts:

Antoinette’s version of vamp purity is, intriguingly, a kind of philosophical descendant of the Nazi vamp movement in which she was raised. She chooses to distance herself from the ugliness of it, but she’s still fanatical about purity in her way. It’s a fascinating development.

I would like to believe that Elijah is smart enough to realize he’s been duped and reconsider his alliances, but the preview for next week indicates otherwise.

It turns out Declan is Cami’s cousin. That will probably turn out to be important for some reason.

Man, Salvatore Academy must be full of genuine monsters. I mean, not just literally. It’s weird to think about, but they make a point of reminding us from time to time that vampires and werewolves both require an act of murder to complete their transformation. That means two-thirds of the students are already killers. Just imagine.

10/10

#The Originals #Caroline Forbes #the cw #Daniel Gillies #Candice King

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nightmareonfilmstreet · 7 years ago

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Toronto After Dark Horror Festival Announces Full Schedule - October 12-20!

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Toronto After Dark Horror Festival Announces Full Schedule - October 12-20!

Toronto After Dark is a yearly horror/genre festival that descends on Toronto, Ontario every October. The 12th Annual Edition screens this October 12-20, 2017 at the Scotiabank Theatre. Fifty thrilling new Feature Films and Shorts will be showcased over nine thrilling nights in front of 10,000 attendees. The highly anticipated genre festival just dropped their entire line-up!

Check out this year’s schedule to Toronto After Dark, below.

THURSDAY, OCT 12

7:00 PM – MY FRIEND DAHMER (USA) – Directed by Marc Meyers

Based on the acclaimed graphic novel about the infamous serial killer’s teen years, Toronto After Dark’s Opening Gala MY FRIEND DAHMER is a riveting, dark, coming of age tale. Before he turned to kidnapping and murder, young Jeffrey seemed like just another awkward teen trying to impress his high school peers. But a series of disturbing events, at home and at school, soon begin to turn him towards another very dark path. The brilliant cast includes Ann Heche and in a break out leading role, former Disney Channel star Ross Lynch. Set in 1970s small town America, this creepy tale with a Stephen King vibe has mesmerized audiences on the festival circuit, winning numerous awards on the way, including most recently Best Picture at Fantastic Fest. Don’t miss it!

Screens with short film Homer_a by Connor Sweeney/Milos Mitrovic

9:45 PM – SIXTY MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT (Canada) – Directed by Neil Mackay

**Director, Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Join us for the World Premiere of Neil Mackay’s SIXTY MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT, an ultra-violent, action-packed new movie that blends elements of fan favourites DIE HARD, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 and THE RUNNING MAN into an explosive new audience pleaser! On New Years Eve, former soldier Jack Darcy (Robert Nolan) wakes to find himself entered into a murderous new game show. He has sixty minutes to kill or be killed by a group of strange armed men who’ve surrounded his house. But what his would-be assassins haven’t realized is that Jack has learnt a trick or two from his military days, has a hidden cache of weapons and isn’t going down without a vicious fight!

Screens with short film Breaker by Philippe Mckie

FRIDAY, OCT 13

7:00 PM – VICTOR CROWLEY (USA) – Directed by Adam Green

Fans of 1980s slasher horror films like A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and HALLOWEEN rejoice! Adam Green returns with a crowd-pleasing update to his retro-slasher inspired HATCHET series, full of fresh blood and creative kills. After a small plane crashs one night in the Louisiana swamps, the corpse of an infamous local serial killer Victor Crowley, awakens from his deathly slumber! It’s not long before Victor sets off in search of fresh victims for his signature sharp slaying tools. Horror icon Kane Hodder (FRIDAY THE 13TH) both terrifies and delights with a menacing performance as the titular killer, unleashing murder and mayhem on an unwitting group of crash survivors. Fans will be torn between cheering for the vicious villain and rooting for the endearing underdog Perry Chen (BETTER LUCK TOMORROW) to survive the ensuing swamp carnage. One thing’s for sure, you’ll have a blast watching this retro slasher with an audience, no matter who makes it of the swamp alive!

Screens with short film The Freeze by Fabian Velasco, Milos Mitrovic

9:15 PM/11:59 PM – CULT OF CHUCKY (USA) – Directed by Don Mancini

**Director, Select Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Killer doll fans are in for a special treat on the night of Friday, October 13! Toronto After Dark will be hosting the Exclusive Canadian Theatrical Screening of CULT OF CHUCKY, the latest movie in the fan favourite horror series, along with some very special guests! This time Chucky (voiced by the ever sinister Brad Dourif) returns to terrorize his past victims at an asylum for the criminally insane, and Jennifer Tilly (Bride of Chucky) returns for added mayhem. If you’re a fan you won’t want to miss this one chance to enjoy watching the latest Chucky movie the way it was meant to be seen: on the Big Screen with an audience!

First Screening with additional Canadian short film Masks by Peter Genoway

SATURDAY, OCT 14

3:00 PM SHORTS AFTER DARK

A collection of 10 incredible International horror, sci-fi, action and cult short films will screen this year as part of our popular global short film showcase: BON APPETIT, BUZZCUT, CRESWICK, SAY NOTHING, STAY , VOYAGER, TASTE, THE PLAGUE, WITHHELD and OUR DATE IS HERE. Find out more about these films at Toronto After Dark’s Shorts After Dark page.

6:00 PM – THE VILLAINESS (South Korea) – Directed by Byung-gil Jun

Byung-gil Jung’s critically acclaimed stylishly violent revenge movie THE VILLAINESS slayed audiences at this year’s Cannes Film Festival and now it’s ready to do the same to Toronto! Fans of Quentin Tarantino’s KILL BILL and Luc Besson’s NIKITA will devour this tale of a young woman, Sook-hee (THIRST’s Kim Ok-bin) who’s been training since childhood to become the world’s most brutal assassin. When Sook-hee gets betrayed by a former lover turned crime-lord, she goes on a deadly rampage of revenge. But with an army of well-armed bodyguards in her way, it won’t be easy to get to her target. Stunningly shot and choreographed ultraviolent carnage ensues with some of the best fight scenes ever put to cinema, outshining the most jaw-dropping moments of OLD BOY and THE RAID. You will be blown away watching this film on the Big Screen, do not miss THE VILLAINESS!

Screens with short film The Good Samaritan by Darrin Suzuk

9:00 PM – BEYOND SKYLINE (USA) – Directed by Liam O’Donnell

**Director, Select Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Join us for the North American Premiere of BEYOND SKYLINE! Taking its cues from INDEPENDENCE DAY, ALIENS and DIE HARD, the film is a fantastic crowd-pleasing fusion of epic sci-fi, alien horror and hardcore action. When his son gets abducted by a terrifying alien mothership that’s covered the Los Angeles skyline, a tough-as-nails cop (THE PURGE’s Frank Grillo) embarks on a relentless journey to rescue him and defeat the vicious extraterrestrial invaders. Joining him in the fight are the stars of THE RAID Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian, who also acted as fight coordinators on the film and it shows! With an endearing group of scrappy rebels up against a horde of blood thirsty, technologically advanced aliens, stunning special effects and jaw-dropping fights, BEYOND SKYLINE is a spectacular audience blast from start to finish!

Screens with short film Nil: No Blood For Coffee by James Turner

11:59 PM – MY FRIEND DAHMER (USA) – Directed by Marc Meyers

Screens with short film Homer_a by Connor Sweeney/Milos Mitrovic

SUNDAY, OCT 15

4:00 PM – RABBIT (Australia) – Directed by Luke Shanahan

Adelaide Clemens (‘Rectify’) stars in this creepy, atmospheric, horror-thriller that recently wowed audiences at Fantastic Fest. Following a mysterious, near-fatal collapse in Germany, medical student Maude Ashton is plagued by a series of vivid dreams about her twin sister, who has been missing for several years. She returns to her native Australia, certain she now knows where to find her. Her journey takes her deep into the forest in a remote part of the country. It’s not long before Maude encounters a mysterious commune who she suspects are hiding a dark truth about her lost sibling. RABBIT is a dark, gothic Australian fairytale full of haunting imagery and unsettling sound design that will burrow its way into your soul!

Screens with short film Bonfire by Nate Wilson

6:30 PM – DEAD SHACK (Canada) – Directed by Peter Ricq

**Director In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** STRANGER THINGS meets SHAUN OF THE DEAD in this endearing 1980s infused zombie comedy from Peter Ricq (TV’s the League of Super Evil and Freaktown). Three kids on vacation are shocked when they stumble upon a cabin in the woods full of the ravenous undead! With the brain munchers following behind, the kids run back to their holiday home to tell their supposedly responsible father to call for help. Unfortunately Dad (a scene-stealing Donavon Stinson) has had too much liquor and won’t be much good for the rest of the night. And given their remote location, there’s no help coming anytime soon. So it’s up to our young trio to see what weapons they can improvise from the house as they prepare to go one on one with the zombie horde! Featuring great zombie kills and gore gags, three standout young leads delivering some wickedly dark humour, and a fantastic 80s synth score that brings back memories of John Carpenter at his best, DEAD SHACK is a bloody delight for fans, not to be missed! NOTE: We only have a ok teaser trailer below, but trust us the actual film is far more entertaining!

Screens with short film Dead House by Travis Laidlaw

9:30 PM – TRENCH 11 (Canada) – Directed by Leo Scherman

**Director, Select Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** In this intense World War One set zombie horror thriller, a group of allied soldiers are sent on a secret mission behind enemy lines to stop a new biological weapon being developed by the enemy. Deep underground in a set of German trenches, the allies uncover the chilling secret that the new weapon will be the creation of a zombie army. With some of the undead already activated, the soldiers find themselves in a race agains time to destroy the zombie soldiers and their creators, before they unleash murderous mayhem on the world. Riveting, gritty, claustrophobic and thrilling, the fight to survive against the undead horde in the tunnels of TRENCH 11 will leave you breathless!

Screens with short film No Wave by Stephane Lapointe

MONDAY, OCT 16

7:00 PM – EAT LOCALS (UK) – Directed by Jason Flemyng

For his directorial debut, actor Jason Flemyng (X-MEN: FIRST CLASS) delivers a crowd-pleasing horror comedy in the vein of WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS and COCKNEYS VS ZOMBIES. For the first time in 50 years, Britain’s secret society of vampires has decided to call a meeting. Little do they realize that a unit of vampire slaying soldiers has followed the neck biters to their countryside lair and are planning to wipe out the killer coven once and for all. It’s not long before a night of vampires vs slayers and plenty of blood-soaked mayhem ensues, all washed down with delightfully British humour! Along for ride is a fantastic ensemble cast of UK thesps including Charlie Cox (Daredevil), Nick Moran (Harry Potter), Freema Agyeman (Doctor Who), Eve Myles (Torchwood), Tony Curran (Underworld: Evolution) and Mackenzie Crook (Pirates of the Caribbean). Come for the talent, stay for the flowing blood!

Screens with short film One Hell Of A Party by Austen Payne

9:30 PM – IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (Canada) – Directed by Justin Decloux

**Director, Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!**

With IMPOSSIBLE HORROR, Director Justin Decloux (TEDDY BOMB) delivers a fresh, innovative, supernatural thriller with a delightfully dark and twisted sense of humour. After Lily, an insomniac young filmmaker, starts to hear a recurring sinister scream every night outside her apartment window, she teams up with a friend Hannah to try and track down the source of the terrifying noise. Soon the intrepid duo’s investigations lead them into a dark and sinister tangled web involving shadowy figures and a deadly supernatural force beyond their comprehension. An absolute treat for horror fans, IMPOSSIBLE HORROR takes you on a creepy, freaky mystery ride with nods to plenty of cult classics on the way. Don’t miss it!

Screens with short film Stray Dog by Michael Mazzuca

TUESDAY, OCT 17

7:00 PM – MAYHEM (USA) – Directed by Joe Lynch

OFFICE SPACE meets 28 DAYS LATER in Joe Lynch’s MAYHEM, a virus outbreak horror-action comedy crowdpleaser that’s been a huge audience hit at other festivals its played at including SXSW. Young lawyer Derek Cho (Stephen Yeun, late of “The Walking Dead” in a standout lead performance) is having a very bad day. He just got fired by his middle manager for an innocent mistake. Now he just wants a chance to talk to the CEO on the top floor to ask for his job back. There’s only one problem. The building just got put on a lockdown due to an outbreak of a rare psychotic rage virus that’s known for turning humans into uninhibited homicidal maniacs! If Derek’s going to survive and make it to the top, he’s going to have to kill a lot of his raging coworkers using whatever office products he can get his hands on! In-between all the fantastic bloody ultraviolence that ensues, MAYHEM brilliantly skewers the soulless corporate world. If you liked FIGHT CLUB or AMERICAN PSYCHO, you’ll feel right at home!

Screens with short film The Drop In by Naledi Jackson

9:30 PM – DEFECTIVE (Canada) – Directed by Reese Eveneshen

Join us for the World Premiere of DEFECTIVE, a dark and gripping new sci-fi thriller that firmly establishes director Reese Eveneshen as a talent to watch! The film brilliantly draws from the dark futures of sci-fi classics like ROBOCOP, THX 1138 and MINORITY REPORT, fleshing out a terrifying dystopian world, where humans are controlled, from the television they watch to the words they can say in public. In a near future city, a brother and sister uncover dark secrets about their government and the sinister corporation that’s been manipulating them. It’s not long before the siblings find themselves on the run from a robotic killer police force and its killer drones that have been commissioned to capture or terminate them. With corporation eyes everywhere, finding shelter will be difficult, surviving might be impossible!

Screens with short film Missing Toes by Ian Bawa

WEDNESDAY, OCT 18

7:00 PM – GAME OF DEATH (Canada/ USA / France) – Directed by Sebastien Landry, Laurence Morais-Lagace

BATTLE ROYALE meets JUMANJI in this bloody SXSW festival hit crowd-pleaser GAME OF DEATH! At a summer cottage a group of teens decide to try out an obscure electronic board game they’ve uncovered. To commence, the game demands a drop of each of their blood and they dutifully comply. But soon after when one of them stops playing and then dies in a spontaneous explosion of blood, the terrifying real rules of the game become clear. It has a built-in countdown that cannot be stopped. It demands one death every few minutes or it will choose a victim at random to instantly die. It’s now kill or be killed for the friends as they either turn on each other to satisfy the game’s blood lust – or start killing innocent victims for fresh blood. Featuring outrageous kills full of practical effects, a wicked dark sense of humour, and a circle of characters you’ll be cheering to either live or die in the ensuing mayhem, THE GAME OF DEATH is a bloody fun time for horror fans!

Screens with short film Latched by Justin Harding

9:30 PM – POOR AGNES (Canada) – Directed by Navin Ramaswaran

**Director, Cast & Crew In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** A worthy winner of the Best Canadian Film Award at Fantasia Film Fest this year, the horror thriller POOR AGNES has been described as the perfect date movie for psychopaths, and with good reason! Young Agnes (a mesmerizing Lora Burke) hides a dark secret in her small rural town. She’s turned to serial killing as a hobby. And she’s really good at it. She lures, captures and slays men and then covers up her tracks perfectly. But something about her latest catch Mike (Robert Notman), a mild mannered investigator makes her think he might be a keeper. Perhaps this time she’ll just tie him up in the basement as a pet to come home to. It’s not long before abductor and abductee begin to form a twisted domestic relationship, and tensions begin to rise as Agnes reverts back to her homicidal ways. In the vein of Stephen King’s MISERY, POOR AGNES is a fantastic, unpredictable, dark character study, full of twists and turns that will leave you equally captivated!

Screens with short film Studded Nightmare by Jean-Claude Leblanc

THURSDAY, OCT 19

7:00 PM – LOWLIFE (USA) – Directed by Ryan Prows

**Director In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Student Academy Award Winner Ryan Prows makes his feature debut with this entertaining, violent and darkly humorous crime thriller that’s been favourably compared to PULP FICTION. As with Quentin Tarantino’s masterpiece, LOWLIFE features an endearing group of down and outers in a gritty Los Angeles, caught in a web of crime, including disgraced Mexican Wrestler El Monstruo, Crystal, a recovering addict, and Randy, fresh out of prison but now cursed with a full-face swastika tattoo. As their sordid, small-time lives collide, these antiheroes must come together to fight tooth and nail against a despicable character that dominates them all and save a pregnant woman from certain and gruesome death! Warning: the teaser trailer does not do this film justice: LOWLIFE is a fantastic, refreshingly original dark and violent tale, with a group of misfits on the edge that you’ll identify with and cheer for. Every where it screens, audiences erupt in applause at its conclusion: you will be kicking yourself if you miss it!

Screens with short film Schwartzy by Aleks Vujosevic

9:30 PM – THE ENDLESS (USA) – Directed, Written by and Starring Justin Benson, Aaron Moorhead

**Justin & Aaron In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Filmmakers Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead won many fans with their first two sensational horror films, RESOLUTION and SPRING. Now they raise the bar even higher with their third feature THE ENDLESS, a masterful blend of horror, sci-fi and mystery, that’s winning them awards! A pair of brothers goes in search of their missing friend, last seen residing at a creepy desert commune. As the locals seem friendly, the siblings decide to stay a few nights. It’s not long before they notice that there’s something very eerily off about the place, with numerous inexplicable phenomena happening around them that defy any laws of science. Soon these benign events give way to something far more sinister! A mind-bending sci-fi horror thriller, with an overwhelming sense of dread, and clever use of special effects, THE ENDLESS will draw you in deep to its otherworldly mystery. Perhaps the bigger question is: will you ever escape! Don’t miss seeing THE ENDLESS with the popular two filmmakers known for their legendary Q&A’s live in attendance!

Screens with short film A Dark Bedtime by Paul Aihoshi

FRIDAY, OCT 20

7:00 PM – COLD HELL (Germany) – Directed by Stefan Ruzowitzky

Oscar Winner Stefan Ruzowitzky takes inspiration from David Fincher (SEVEN, ZODIAC, GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO) in directing one of the most intense serial killer thrillers of recent years with COLD HELL, a gripping cocktail of full throttle action and brutal horror, set on the cold hard backstreets of Vienna. When Ozge, a young immigrant cab driver accidentally witnesses a mysterious man’s latest brutal murder from her apartment window and he also sees her face, she knows it’s not long before she’ll be his next target. As the police don’t seem that sympathetic to her plight, Ozge – a fully trained kickboxer – decides to take matters into her own hands! It’s time for her to flip the script and turn from prey to predator and play a deadly game of mouse vs cat, trying to draw the killer out into the open and attack him before he can strike her or any one else. But the killer intends to match Ozge attack for attack. Intense jaw dropping car chases, gritty close quarter fights, and deadly collateral damage ensue across the city, as the killer and his prey strive to take each other out first by any violent means necessary! Dark, thrilling, hard-hitting, brilliantly acted, led by a strong young female lead (Award-winner Violetta Schurawlow) don’t miss taking a journey to COLD HELL!

Screens with short film Blood And Honey by Karl van Allen

9:15 PM/11:59 PM – TRAGEDY GIRLS (USA) – Directed by Tyler MacIntyre

**Director In Attendance for Intro & Q&A!** Returning filmmaker Tyler Macintyre (PATCHWORK) closes Toronto After Dark 2017 with his acclaimed newest film TRAGEDY GIRLS, a delicious dark horror comedy that updates SCREAM and HEATHERS for the social media age. Teenagers Sadie (DEADPOOL’s Brianna Hildebrand) and McKayla (X-MEN APOCALYPSE’s Alexandra Shipp) love running a true crime blog at their school covering local murders. But without any exclusives, they’re not getting enough views and likes. For help they enlist a local serial killer (THE STRAIN’s Kevin Durand) who inspires them to become an anonymous serial killing duo themselves. As they post about the fresh new murders for their blog, bloody mayhem, hi-jinx and higher view counts ensue! With two winning leads delivering plenty of dark gallows humour, some fantastic gore gags, and plot twists you won’t see coming, TRAGEDY GIRLS is the perfect bloody fun way to wrap up this year’s Toronto After Dark!

Opening screening with short film FWD by Stephen Sawchuk

The 12th Annual Edition of Toronto After Dark festival runs this October 12-20, 2017 at the Scotiabank Theatre in Toronto. For tickets, head to the Toronto After Dark website.

#horror festival #horror film festival #horror movie screening #horror premiere #horror toronto #toronto after dark #toronto after dark 2017 #toronto after dark schedule #toronto horror movies #toronto horror october

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