#anonypeng

[anonypeng]

Life's been hard... Ch.4

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It sucks right now. How I feel is scary. I finished my certificate but feel like the world is collapsing. It feels so lonely even with people around me who care about me... or at least that's what they say. For some reason, I feel like everyone around me doesn't care whether I exist. It feels like the world is just destroying me internally.

I think I am just slowly losing hope in my existence. I feel like I wasn't built to be here. It feels like all I do is be the side character of someone's story and raise them up while no one is raising me.

I don't even feel anything anymore, these days I just wanna shrivel up in my room and not see or talk to anyone. I wanna isolate myself and not socialize with anyone or anything.

I finally realized what its like with my coach when they mentioned they hate people and don't wanna talk, even to their friends. I can feel myself feel that way too and it sucks, its so scary....

I'm not sure what it is I want or wanna do anymore, I feel so stuck and lost... I don't know how to help myself and how to be better. I am worried about myself and my well-being.

[anonypeng]

Self realization is self love? Day 21

I realzied that after this whole situtation with self realization is such a big good thing to have when dealing with self doubt and self love! When you doubt yourself, you just realize that its normal to and its ok to not feel confident about something. Myabe its because you are new to it? It's because you aren't sure about it? It's because you are afraid or nervous which causes the flight or fight response so you start to go defensive and do what you feel is safe.... and that is to not do it at all.

It's ok to realize you have strengths and weakness... you are allowed to let that shit go and focus on both, realizing it may help you since you can grow more on your strengths and take little moments to work on your weakness too! Sometimes focusing too much on one can lead to even more self doubt because what if you are good at tennis but not bowling, you can't just focus on bowling to get better at it, that makes you stay the same or get worse in tennis. You also can't just only do tennis because you are good at it, you'll never touch a bowling ball again because you keep hitting gutter? Nonsense. Put effort in both and you'll grow more since you now are knowing two things and how to do them!

The point is, today I played Top Golf for the first time, and even thought I was good at swinging and range, my accuracy was horrible so I never really got the chance to beat both my friends at it.... It wasn't easy but hey, it was so much fun! I wasn't good at it and I didn't win any of the games we played but I did improve my score and improve my swings!

I doubted myself for playing games, but again, its all games and I realized I just swing and hit as hard as I can. I needed to take time, breathe, and slow down on my swings, only then did I do really well!

i even did good on a driver club, which I normally don't do so well. But with taking my time, I did swingingly!

I will definitely play more, I am so excited! I feel like I'm learning to enjoy myself a lot more with being by myself. Love myself, grow and be amazing! Be unstoppable! Best of luck.

[anonypeng]

I think this won't be a daily thing anymore... Ch-1

I think writing daily is considered a lot, or at least writing about what going on in my day. I have a lot of thoughts and it does help when I do write them out. But I am so burnt out with everything going on right now. I just want time and need time for myself. Making this a must-do thing isn't and wasn't my intention, I felt that I needed to write whenever I felt the need to, not make it a mandatory thing.

I will write when I want to and need to. As of right now, I can tell you wholeheartedly I am healed of my heartbreak enough to talk about E. I am slowly picking up the pieces to make myself whole again and better. I am trying.

its been a journey so to speak and I think we heal from what is broken. We find little joys in our lives so we can get by every day feeling something. I hung out with people I enjoy and honestly, I love it. I love it so much so I don't even think it's worth going back into a relationship. I don't know how I will feel in the future. I like where I am at right now, happy, single, and not ready to fucking mingle.

We learn part of ourselves when we allow ourselves to, as cheesy as it sounds... I learn the most when I am with people I allow myself to talk about anything and everything. I am so happy. Granted happiness only is temporary but so are all the other emotions. I do feel an ounce of loneliness but that's to be expected since we all feel lonely even if we have the best partner, the best family, the best companion, the best friend(s), etc. I think we learn best with the people we genuinely wanna hang with.

Anyways I will be posting still but I don't think daily is tangible for me and it makes me feel like I need to write something. So I will write when I feel like it. Every so often, definitely once every few days! I am thankful for journaling most of my emotions daily during the healing process... it isn't easy. Goodnight, peace.

[anonypeng]

I think we underestimate… Day 32

Sometimes our biggest faults is ourselves. Today I was super nervous for some odd reason… I was feeling very overwhelmed and very overstimulated because I had so much to do in so little time.

Today I cleaned out my stuff animal room, got rid of half of my small ones… need to get rid of the other ones too but that’s tomorrow’s problem. After that around 2:45 headed out to go cut my hair only slightly for a trim… AND HE CUT OFF MOST OF IT AGAIN SO IM STUCK WITH SHORT HAIR… again. Which I’m not complaining but also I kinda liked the length I had… I’m just gonna cut it myself next time.

After that went to eat something by myself for the first time in a long time. Got popcorn chicken with some cucumber salad.. SO GOOD MIGHT I ADD and so affordable. It was nice eating by myself and spending time on my own.

After that went to a night market with my two friends! They were amazing!!! They’re always a blast to hang out with. I love it. We ate food and dinner and walked around the place. I spent more money than I should have… again. But oh well!

Oh and I bought a Vivienne Westwood Nana necklace! So I’m super excited about that!

And that was it. I talked with my dad when I got home for 2 hours and I talked with my mom for 1 hour as well… and now I’m social batteried myself out and I’m good with staying in on Sunday. Anyways peace

[anonypeng]

Life’s kind of a bummer… Day 25

Life kinda sucks with how everything is right now. I mean I don’t know what I haven’t started making moves on my career, I want and have to clean out my fucking room from all the stuff that I no longer adore, and I feel lonely a lot more because it’s the weekend (but I hate working on the weekdays).

My life is so boring compared to others and I feel like I’m missing something. I’m missing the thrill, the excitement, and the attitude I got from looking forward to the weekends.

Now I look forward to the weekends but part of me dreads it so much. I feel like I deserve a break but I need to do something with myself or else I will just fall into the depths of my mattress and be lazy. I wanna get my life together but I’m overwhelmed with everything. I need to start with the little things. I know I can do it.

I’m scared of starting. Starting something is just as hard as letting something go. It’s scary because it’s new, it’s exciting because it’s new, and it’s foreign because it’s new. You have to get use to it, so I will! I’m gonna start Monday and try the class out.

For tomorrow, I’ll just rest and do some room cleaning to help ease my mind. Today was good, just had a chill day and did some errands. Had dinner with my god parents and I just recently haven’t been in the mood to talk or see anyone. Think that’s the next phase I gotta get through haha. I’m sick of people, I just wanna isolate and enjoy myself. But I can’t when my room looks horrible. So we try again with cleaning it and really getting rid of shit. We’re doing it tomorrow. And watching NANA ☺️. Anyways goodnight 🌙

[anonypeng]

Hey. It’s been a while… I miss you Ch.3

This is gonna sound crazy but I miss the thought of E. I keep myself busy so I don’t think about it. But it’s so hard not to. It’s crazy to think that a year ago. I was head over heels for E. I was so excited every day to talk to them. I was excited to even hear how their day was and what they were and are interested in.

Why is it so hard to find someone? Not that I’m looking. I’m just testing the waters. I’m so busy it’s stupidly crazy. I don’t even have time for myself. I thought I was ready to face E but come to find out. I’m not, I’m actually terrified if I see them in public. I think I’m done being held back by the odds stacked against me.

I deserve to be happy. After everything I’ve done for the people around me. I just wanna let loose and be free.

I just wanna pack my stuff and fucking go be somewhere else but here. Trapped with the same people, trapped with the same stupid job, trapped with the same fakers, and just trapped.

If you are thinking about being in a big city… beware of what I have to say which is. People are with you for a reason. They have a thing they’re looking for and getting from you. That’s how big city people are. They use you use and they keep you to continue to use you. They step on you and most of all… they fucking fight to the end to get what they want. Killing you in the process. Be warned.

Needless to say I’m not the kind to. I’m so jaded with people I cut people off without me knowing it 🤣. It’s a good talent of mine. I love it. I say some things I mean and I move on.

On another note, I got big plans for the weekend but I can say what. Maybe if I feel like it I will talk about it when it does happen! I’m super excited but also anxious for it. As for my classes well… 5/6 classes are done and I’m really proud of myself.

I learn to not rely on others and only rely on myself. No one is gonna be there for you but yourself. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. Fuck it and do you. Peace.

[anonypeng]

Hello, new friends and old memories... Ch. 2

So... I realized how jaded I am with everything and everyone lately. The distaste I have for people around me physically and for the long exhausting weekdays ahead of me.

Its Sunday... 1 AM, and I felt like writing. I slept over at my friend's house last week on Sunday til Monday and it was so lovely. Loving the conversations, I learned so much about her, and I love her for it so much. I also loved how happy and comfortable she was. We went to a night light show and circus event and it was so pretty and wonderful. I felt so at home with her and it was a good staycation. We had so much to talk about, we were laughing and talking and all that jazz every single second. I love her.

I miss her so much physically because we talk way better than texting and I LOVE IT. I for one, hate texting. That is something you get to know the more you talk to people you ACTUALLY enjoy. You wanna talk to them all the time.

As for my courses, I am starting course 3/6 and I love it. I am learning so much about it all and how it works. I am so excited to get out in the world and start this new career choice!

I feel happy, I feel sad... and honestly, I don't know how I feel, but I do know for sure when I do feel a certain emotion... its super strong and I feel it so much. It's a weird but good feeling at the same time. To feel is good though and being able to express it is something not many people can do, so I love that parr of me. Anyways, until the next one, peace.

[anonypeng]

I was super tired yesterday... Day 32/33

I had a really long day at work yesterday and today actually. I didn't finish cleaning my room yesterday so I did that after my exercises. So much dust and grimeeee.... but I am glad it is mostly done. I just have surface-level cleaning to do now. My shelves, desk, and vanity table. Other than that it's pretty clean! I'd say 90%.

Anyways, I also cleaned my room because of the ants around our house. They have made their way into my room... and I don't like it... at all!!!!! So I decided to clean it and get rid of the stuff I do not care about anymore. I learned to let things go. Stuff I use to care about, things I don't care about, things I don't remember I had. I let all that go.

Letting shit go is so fucking hard since I got like collecting/hoarding/object-sentimental-attachment style... if that makes sense haha. Apparently, I have an object attachment style which is when someone feels an emotional connection to an intimate object... for example, I keep every letter from anyone; ex-friends, co-workers, family members, etc. I never threw them away, and I still did not. They hold sentimental value to me. I had old K-pop merch from when BTS barely came out as a group and I felt attached to them since I did like them before mainstream media took them out of wack.

I finally let go and got rid of all of it. Now, I feel so much better about myself and the space I have in my room. I feel relaxed and at peace. Anyway I started course 2/6 and it is a lot more info, but I am excited about it. I'm gonna sleep cuz I am so stupidly tired... peace.

[anonypeng]

Sunday nights are lonely... Day 31

I'm so tired today... I feel like I've been in a loop. Today I decided to clean my room again... and it's been a lot... I purged a lot of stuff that needed to be thrown away but hasn't. I did not get that chance to do it yet since I have been so busy. Now that I had free time. I figured I should let things go like old stuff animals I do not want anymore, old toys and books I do not need or care about, and just anything that I don't really recall or remember or thought of.

I think I wanted a minimalistic approach to things now, I think I've been holding on to memories for so long... and I get attached to items and objects that to me hold sentimental value. I think its time I let that go, I think its time to live a life of comfort, clean out the old, and bring in the new. Also, I think my old hobbies and old things I used to like that I do not anymore... I need to let that go; old stuff like K-pop and the groups I don't care about anymore, toys I don't play with or even care to remember, and lots more.

It felt nice to do so but during the time doing it today... I felt overwhelmed, I felt like I couldn't breathe and I had a headache. I don't know what it was about but here we are.

Anyway, tomorrow I start class 2 for my course and hopefully, after that, I can finish cleaning up. I gotta sleep rn, I'm beat. Peace.

[anonypeng]

Had the house to myself… weird Day 31

I came back from work to a house to myself. It was wonderful and nice but I had to exercise and mop the floor afterwards so there was that. I finished around 8pm so I had time to actually relax for a bit until my dad came home. I was playing NANA in the background and I felt I was getting almost too comfortable with myself.

It felt lonely every few minutes but also felt super calm and relaxing when I was enjoying the time alone.

I reflected on a lot and how far I’ve come to where I am at now. I feel a sense of happiness and relief I came out of every obstacle with more experience and slightly stronger. I don’t know what the future holds but I know I can overcome all other days…

So here I am. New course, new friends, new life, new me! I think it’s time I let go of things I no longer care about and give a shit about. I need to let go of the stuff animals and the toys I use to keep. The Kpop albums I have… and just the hoarding in general. It’s time for a new leaf.

That was all done within an hour of just being by myself… I can’t imagine other feelings in me that haven’t surfaced yet…. Welp. Don’t think about it haha. Anyways, peace!

[anonypeng]

I want to ask... Day 30

It has been a month since the break up... and a month since I have gotten back in contact with a childhood friend of mine. I wouldn't say we are the closest... because we aren't and I wouldn't say we are the best of friends. We stopped talking for a year now and honestly, it was going fine... Until my birthday month and he suddenly wished me a happy birthday. And asked to meet up. I was hesitant because the reason why I stopped reaching out was because we were friends for so long and I put them on this level of friendship pretty high. They were definitely one of my closest friends and someone I can count on.

But... I felt the feelings weren't reciprocated and honestly it was kind of fucked up. So I stopped reaching out to them. Once I did that he never reached out again... and that was the end. That is what I thought until they decided to reach out and talk and hang out and celebrate my birthday... after a year of no contact. After that, we would talk every now and then. I did not really speak to them about anything because we had different hobbies, they got bigger, and they had the same personality honestly. Nothing has changed and we kept it that way.

But... moving on to other things another reason why I didn't want to talk to them was because we had mutual friends and they are still friends with my highschool crush... and how broken my crush made me. They ghosted me for no reason and we stopped talking like that. I didn't understand it at the time and I have so many questions that remained unanswered.

I wanted to ask my friends why they always mention them whenever we hang out... why do they tell me how my crush is doing, what they have been up to, or anything of that matter. Do they do the same when they hang out with my crush? What is the point?

I feel like I should ask or say to put a stop to it. I don't know... what do you think?

On a side note, I finished my first class out of 6! i am starting my next class with the first module tomorrow. Wish me luck, peace!

[anonypeng]

Modules and Post Show Depression... Day 29

Every day I have made it my goal to finish a module from my course and I have kept a good 3 days pace with it. I feel like I am learning so much about this course and this career and I am so excited to finally do something about it. It isn't easy after work and doing NY exercises. I'm lucky to be able to do such work while living at home. having someone cook and take care of the bare necessities when you have a lot on your plate is nice. I am eternally grateful for it. I definitely can recall the level of understanding it takes to be in a course... studying, remembering, and recalling information is difficult but its a topic I find interesting so I do look forward to it everyday! Debating about doing it on weekends but it's not like I have anything planned... plus I can always do it before I sleep or when I wake up. Depending on the day's schedule!

I haven't gotten over NANA obviously... oh to have a man like Nobu. I'm so fascinated with the show and excited to read the manga on it! I love the characters and how they are perfect in some ways, and imperfect in others and how each character changes throughout the story! I love the unexpected plots and mini-plots that lead to the bigger picture! I really wanna read and see what the differences are between the manga and the anime.

Thinking on it, whenever I watch NANA it makes me wonder and reflect on my past relationship. I know some things about E and I can say I am content with my decision on where it ended. Sometimes I wish I was still in it but I don't think it was a good idea to continue it for various reasons. E and I just aren't ready for a relationship. I think we need time to develop still. But maybe we could have worked on things like Ren and Nana... or maybe we just might end up like Nobu and Hachi. I don't know... the what ifs are hard to not think of but also hard to define since they are just unrealistic scenarios that appear in our imagination.

Anyways... peace out!

[anonypeng]

New start! Day 27

It's a new start for me! I finally took on the course and I think I am doing really well for myself. I finished one module and I think it really helped me visualize what it would be like to do the actual career and I really think I will enjoy it! I look forward to more of the classes and my daily goal is to finish a module every day! I am so excited!

I am almost done with NANA the anime... I'm kinda sad and bummed out to be honest. I don't want it to end because it is such a good series but I also wanna watch other shows too! I am really excited about reading the manga as well! I have the manga books here already but I am missing a few of them to complete the 21 books. They came in today and I am so stoked haha.

I can't wait to read, I'm learning to be patient with myself and just take time to do things that I need to but also enjoy the process of it all. Most importantly learn to take breaks and go out with friends and have fun! If you need a sign to start something, this is yours. It will be scary but I know for a fact, it will be worth it in the end! Anyway, I should get some sleep, goodnight all!

[anonypeng]

Life is kinda envious right now... Day 26

You know I always was envious of some people around me. I always felt jealous of the people who had work-from-home jobs, I was always envious of my friends who always had friends to hang out with. I was envious of people that I know/knew who got jobs that they wanted and loved.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here with the ultimate punishment for every move I make. I can't compare, nor can I complain because at least I have a job. At least I am getting paid and have a job, it's hard for people who want one but can't get it.

My life sucks because of my work... and I’ll probably never find someone for me, I’m sick of meeting new people, I’m tired of new humans that are making their way into my life, and I’m tired of all the stuff I have to do... I'm also fucking tired of being the bigger person, like fuck this shit.

It’s not E that made me think this way; it’s not the past relationship, and it’s not any of that. But I remember what my life was like before I met E and I remembered why I so desperately wanted to be with someone.

Don’t get me wrong...this weekend of solitude is great and I love my downtime, today was wonderful. I did nothing but build my Smiski shelf. It was great. But I feel like I have so much shit to do. And I want it to go by so fast to get to the point where I have a job where I know what I’m doing, and I have a job where I’m confident in.

I'm actually envious of some people... E being one of them. How nice it must be to have a job you don’t hate every single day. Have a job where it’s not suffocating you and making you feel worthless.

I want a career I like, not love because I can't wish for more than just a job where I don't hate every day and every living second of it. I gotta do the class tomorrow. It's my only way out. Peace.

[anonypeng]

It was a good and bad Friday… Day 24

So my work and my day was going great until I the last 20 minutes. TLDR IS My boss did not want to take the phone call that could have saved me, my co worker, and my boss a lot of time. I wouldn’t have had a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that I had made plans after work to spend time with a good friend of my. My big sis if you will. So I was very excited and had been waiting for the day to be over.

I waited and waited until I was done and I left 12 minutes after my initial time off. It was so taxing and so childish to deal with someone who is allegedly my boss.

Needless to say. Got us some drinks, got myself dinner since she already ate, and got to driving to her place. I arrived at 6:45 and didn’t leave until 11:45. We did nothing but talk and it was amazing.

I love her to the moon and back. we talked about E and how that ended because I did not tell her anything. And I cried a little bit but it was good. Felt very good to let her know in person. She mentioned I def felt happier and I said I do but that doesn't come easy. We talked a lot about our lives, I loved it.

I love that even though we don't see each other everyday or text everyday we still are just as close as ever. She is better than most people I know personally and even close than family, I'd say. Thank you sis for all that you do and did for me. Free therapy! I hope my T is entertaining enough for ya! Night!

[anonypeng]

I feel so stuck... Day 23

You ever felt those voids of sadness that come and suck you into where you can't escape it. Like its hard to function with all the problems you have with yourself. This is exhausting dealing with all the problems growing up.

I feel like I did nothing today but I also did a lot today??? It's super weird. I worked my 9-5:30 bullshit, then got back home, did my exercises, washed my car after, and then ate dinner and watched NANA. I feel like I accomplished a lot but at the same time, I felt like I did not do too much either. I've been overeating my 3 meals a day. I get so hungry and I just eat until I blow. I really gotta track what I eat.

I am also on my period, yay.... happy to know that I am not preggo.... yay. But that means I am so bloated and tbh I feel fat, I feel fatigued, and I feel all the negative thoughts of body dysmorphia that I felt before my exercising journey. Idk about what I am doing rn but I feel as if the world is going against me and everything I do makes me feel good and somedays I feel like I am going 100 steps ahead and the next few days I suddenly go backward by 1000 steps....

But needless to say, today was a good day, I accomplished a lot and I have a lot to be grateful for. I am grateful to have a dad to wash my car with me, I have dinner and can eat whatever I want, I have friends to talk to me if I am bored, I have a room that I can hide from the world to enjoy my solitude, and so much more.

I'm grateful, I am thankful, and I am ready for tomorrow. Peace.