#andy and i were talking about him yesterday actually. and also today. he's in here again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

olderjodijournals · 4 months ago

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MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1999

I cannot believe how quiet the weekend was. Not one car door, person, ball bounce - nothing. The lights did go off when I checked at just after 9:00, so the bitch was there, and Bill’s here today as usual.

A silver car pulled up briefly just after I returned from Mel’s. As with the cranberry car driven by two guys, the driver, whom I couldn’t see, stayed in the car. I never saw who the passenger was either, cuz I didn’t actually see the car come or go.

Last night, at around 8:00, I was sitting at the computer when I heard a bark. I could tell it was close by and I’m thinking, Shit! She did it. The bitch actually went and got herself another dog for me to listen to, but I’ll just call and have the city kindly remove it. Then it hit me - why didn’t I sense it coming? I didn’t sense it, and changes among neighbors are one of my hot spots. So, I went out back and heard it again. I couldn’t tell for sure where it was coming from but was beginning to think it wasn’t quite loud enough to be just three feet away. So I got it going by slamming the recycle bin cover over and over again to get a sense of direction. It was then that I realized the old man replaced his dog, and I knew he would, too. So, that’s why it was sort of close, but nowhere near close enough to be next door. This dog shouldn’t be a problem cuz it doesn’t have a shrilly bark and we’ve got a garage and a street between us. Also, that’s the only time I’ve heard it bark, so for me to only hear that much over a 24-hour period tells me it’s not a big barker. It’s nothing like the dog the freeloaders had, and certainly nothing like the collies.

Went to see Melanie today and it was much easier than the last time. Maybe that’s cuz I took four ibuprofen pills an hour before seeing her.

She said my hair looked cute. I had thrown it up in a banana clip. She also noticed my nails, but as I told her, I plan to rip them off and be done with them since they’re such a pain. I asked her how she dealt with hers and she said she’s had them for so long.

I told her I was amazed at how fast my teeth were moving. The bottom teeth were so crooked that they overlapped. Well, now they don’t and they’re all straight except for one tooth.

The doctor came in and checked my bite and agreed that these teeth are flying. I asked how much longer on both the top and bottom braces, and he started teasing me by saying, “Well, the millennium…” Mel and I laughed. The bad news is that the top braces can’t come off till around July. I thought they were coming off in March. The good news is that the bottom braces will come off in July too. I thought they wouldn’t be off till December. He said something about using the braces as a retainer, but we’ll see. It’s cool that I get to get both the top and bottom off at the same time.

Just called Tammy to say hi, but she wasn’t home. Lisa answered, but was busy on the other line so I happily let her go, cuz I’ve had enough of the phone for one day cuz I talked with Andy for what seemed like ten hours. At least Lisa’s doing well. She sounded well enough anyway and said all was OK.

I’m still contemplating mailing Dureen, Art, and Larry certain journal excerpts just for the hell of it, but we’ll see. I still have plenty of time to decide this. If I’m gonna do it, though, I’m not gonna bother to involve Tom by telling him about it, and I won’t do it, if I do it, till we’re no longer at this number and address.

We didn’t get to screw around yesterday, but this time it was cuz of me. My allergies were going off like a son of a bitch, so Tom and I will get together after he gets up, which should be anytime now.

As I jokingly, yet sarcastically told him the other day - it’s pretty funny how the guy who claimed to get off most of the time now gets off very rarely since he’s been confronted.

Tom’s right. These renters across the street are weird. Really weird. They had some furniture and some paintings and stuff like that scattered about their front yard today as we were leaving for Melanie’s. Shortly after returning, the stuff was gone. We thought they were maybe setting up for a yard sale, as odd of a time as it’d be for that, but who knows what the fuck they were doing? Re-carpeting maybe?

There’s this afternoon barker that’s been rather annoying, so during the peak afternoon hours, I keep the fan on. I think it’s coming from one of the houses across the street, but I can’t tell which one. It’s not quite loud enough to be directly across the street, but I don’t think it’s in the old man’s yard.

That silver car showed up next door again and I could see what appeared to be the same two guys that were in the cranberry car. This time, though, one of them wasn’t just dropped off to run into the house and back out again, it was dropped off to stay. It had a red cap on backward. Was it the cock? That kid I spoke to on Tizzy Fit Day?

I called Andy since it’s been a while since we chatted.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1999

I’m going to finish the book Visions of Terror, but first, I’m gonna update some stuff.

I didn’t get into my chat with Andy yet. Well, when I first called, he was doing one of his favorite things - eating. So he called me back when he was done, and we chatted about the usual.

I was right, Andy’s not going back east. The reasons he told me about his decision to stay here, were the exact reasons I figured he’d stay here for and that I recently wrote about. He said he feels too much at home here, doesn’t want to give up his house or this weather, and wants a relationship with a kid who smokes pot and cigarettes. What kind of maturity and stability can he get from an 18-year-old pothead, though? Doesn’t he feel he deserves better than some doped-up, immature kid?

He also said he lectured Barbara Nicks for standing him up. He was to meet her at her house to give her a Stevie demo, but Barb kept making excuses. Andy keeps insisting they’re friends, but it’s obvious to me that she’s not a true friend and she doesn’t want him at the house, even though he’s been there once before (but they talked outside). Anyway, he lectured her about her not leveling with him. I agree that she should just come out and admit it if she doesn’t want him at the house, but he can’t make her be or do something she doesn’t want to be or do.

He’s living alone now, still not interested in working full-time, and yet he’s all paid up on his bills and rent till March. When I asked him how he managed to do this on just a few hours of work a week, his answer was, “Something you wouldn’t approve of.” I knew right then and there that he was dealing. Yeah, he’s selling weed. Only to people he knows, but still, I hope he doesn’t get caught. I don’t think he will, though, cuz Andy’s always been super lucky at getting away with things. Remember? He’d make just as many, maybe more, prank calls, yet who was the one to get trapped over and over and over again? Anyway, he’s doing this to supplement his income and he says that throughout 1999 he’s basically gonna be a bum and keep living as he has been. Does this mean that at the turn of the century, he’ll seek out a full-time position that he won’t set himself up to be fired at? Even get a man and not a boy? Someone clean? If he wants someone clean, though, he’s gonna have to clean up himself. You know how it is, druggies want druggies, non-druggies want non-druggies.

My nose is all scabbed up cuz of the allergy attack I had the other day. My lungs are back to being tight again regularly. Especially at the end of my day. Tom says it’ll improve once we move. God, I hope so! I feel like I’m gonna be like this every day for the rest of my life.

I got sick of doing subject indexes, so I decided to take a break from that for a while. It was more work than fun. I saved what I began this year, the last few months of last year, and 1987-1990.

Fortunately, I’m not sore today. My teeth are usually sore 3-4 days after seeing Melanie. She put a wedge in where that one really crooked tooth is on the bottom to rotate it. So, till I see her again, I should just have random soreness. Usually, you go for a while without feeling much soreness anywhere, then you get a sore tooth. This means it’s getting ready to move. Then another tooth gets sore and it moves, etc.

It’s really weird when Melanie takes the bands off when she goes to change them (the bands are what do the pulling). When she takes them off, my teeth feel like they’re being pushed in the opposite direction, when in truth, they’re not being pushed at all without those bands.

Today I dusted and vacuumed the bedrooms and the living room. I cleaned the bathroom and wiped down the stove. Tomorrow, I’ll do the microwave and the countertops, but I don’t think I’ll bother with cleaning the refrigerator and the oven till we move. Same with the tub.

I didn’t change Velvet’s cage yet, but I changed part of the rats’. I washed down their shelves which were loaded with piss and shit and which stunk like hell. I didn’t change the sawdust in the bass of the cage yet, but I will soon.

It seems Porky, the little shit, has taken to squeezing through the bars of the cage and walking around on top of it. When I yelled at him he went back inside, so hopefully he won’t be an escape problem. I don’t feel like he will be, but we’ll see.

Once again, Ziggy doesn’t look too good. She is getting old.

I changed the mice’s setup by omitting the aquariums. Seven mice don’t need all the space they had, and this really gives me a break till we get a dishwasher. It’s cute and cozy and kind of neat for a change. Right now, they just have the biggest and the smallest of the three Play City cages, and the maze.

I loaded up the mice’s aquariums with their cute, colorful toys. Their accessories and all that stuff. I put all the T-tubes and straight tubes in the middle-sized Play City cage, and the curves in a box. So they’ll be organized and packed for when we move.

I’ll leave this strictly up to Tom, but as much as I love Velvet’s cage he built, I think we should just use it while we’re here. I think Velvet should be in Ratsy’s old aquarium when we move. That’s all he needs, cuz he doesn’t do anything. As big as he is, he just sits there, so he doesn’t need extra room. I’d have to change it more often, but it’d be worth it.

I called and asked Mom what she’d recommend as far as dusting my dolls are concerned. She agreed with me that because feather dusters are best on hard surfaces only, and since I can’t take a wet rag to their hair and clothes, I’d be best off taking them outside and shaking the dust out of their hair and clothes, so that’s what I did.

I put some of the dolls back in different places/poses.

I really wish I not only had more dolls Bailey’s size but as poseable as she is, too. That’s the difference, once again, between a $300 doll and a $50 doll. I had Bailey sitting on one of the living room stereo speakers, but now I’ve got her sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, leaning against it. She has one hand sort of on her knee, and the other on a stuffed wolf dog I’ve had for a while. She looks so natural. She’s so well-proportioned, unlike some of my other dolls. Maria’s knees are kind of low and her feet are too small if you ask me, but I still love Maria and am glad I got her. There are so many different poses I could set Bailey up in, though. I had her lying down on the footstool with her hair hanging off the side, reaching upward as if to be picked up. This looked so cute, but I can’t leave her there and there’s really no other place in this house to pose her like that. She’s still sitting next to Maria and they’re such a great contrast to each other. Bailey’s dressed so casually in her little sleeper, while Maria’s all decked out in her fancy, shiny satin outfit with her sparkling fan and veil. It’s too bad Bailey’s wrists and elbows don’t bend too. Then she’d really be poseable.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 1999

To start off with some sad news - Ziggy died. She was gone when I got up at 11:00 this morning. I knew yesterday afternoon that she was on her way out. I’m glad she went as fast as she did cuz with guinea pigs, it takes several days. She was my favorite mouse and sometimes I wish rodents lived as long as cats and dogs, but as Tom pointed out, that may make it all the harder. Tom buried her out back by the palm tree in the corner of the yard by the pool. There sure are a lot of animals out there. Two guinea pigs, two mice, a rabbit, a hamster, and a cat.

In better news, last night I got a great idea to pose Bailey holding a Barbie doll, so it looks like I’m gonna have a few Barbies after all. Up until last night, I didn’t think I’d ever get Barbies since they’re only 11½ inches long, but I like the idea of letting Bailey hold her at some point, and their outfits are just too nice to resist. But I’ve got a different idea of what’s collector’s Barbies and what’s not. Most adults collecting Barbies are getting ones that cost $40 and up and usually have their hair up in a bun of some kind or a French twist and gowns a lot like what the porcelain dolls wear. My brand of collector’s Barbies has really long hair that isn’t piled up in some form or another and that wears shorter, more colorful dresses, and costs only $10-$20. Also, I don’t leave her displayed in a box like most Barbie collectors do.

Barbies used to be basically white with blond hair, but then they got politically correct and made a variety of colors. I want to get a black Barbie too, and one of these days, probably after we move, I want to go to a regular toy store just to see what’s there, cuz I’m gonna have my own set of rules and decide what I think is a collectible doll for my collection. If I see a really nice doll, I’ll still get it even if it’s dirt cheap and made of vinyl.

Anyway, they had about ten different Barbies at the store. If I remember right, they were all blondes. One had colorful hair, but as much as I like colors and it would’ve been different, I just didn’t really dig it or its outfit. Barbies may have better outfits, but not every single one of them. There were a couple with pink dresses, but one had these tacky jewels on it, and they both had shorter hair that was about to the waist. This Barbie that I got has blond, straight hair almost to the knees. Her dress isn’t pink or mainly pink, but it’s beautiful nonetheless and shorter than any other doll’s dress that I have. It comes to the middle of the thighs and it’s got several different colors. Mainly purple. It’s short-sleeved and snakeskin-like. You can see the shiny scales. It’s got horizontal stripes of white, purple, red, pink, orange, and yellow. She had purple boots which I didn’t like, so I took them off. She has purple earrings and a purple ring. Since Barbie’s fingers aren’t separated, it’s kind of stapled on. More like an earring is put on.

She came with stud-like decorations in a cute little clear plastic case with flower, heart, and butterfly designs on it. That’s why the hair’s so long. To decorate it with beads of letters and jewels in four different colors - pink, blue, yellow and orange. I think this would look tacky, though, so maybe I’ll wait till I have a doll with a suitable dress to use them on. It comes with a thing that looks like a paper puncher that squeezes them together since little kids’ hands aren’t that strong, but I can use my hands with them. They go on like earrings.

I’ve got Barbie standing in the living room on the rack that holds the Nintendo games for now. I want to let Bailey sit with the little wolf for a while first.

When I realized that that’d make three dolls with long straight hair with bangs between Bailey, Barbie and Anne, I decided to give Anne a change for more variety. I didn’t have anyone with just one braid, but now I do. At first, I did the braid straight down the back which I wanted to pull in front so you could see it better, but it wouldn’t quite go. It was too stiff. So I braided it sort of off to the side so it’d go around the front better. I think I got it looking like a braid that’s pulled in front, rather than a side braid. I put a blue hair bubble in it since she’s wearing blue and no one else has a hair bubble. I’m building up my variety.

Bailey, Summer Dream, and Patrice look the most realistic. Out of my porcelains, Anne has the most colorful face. She has the brightest lips and eyes. Patrice and Barbie are about the same - 12” long, but Patrice is shaped and proportioned more realistically.

Been getting a lot of mail from Ashton Drake. They’re sending ads for dolls they have pictured in their catalog. A bigger picture of these dolls with more details about them.

Later...

Just cooked some ground beef and added sloppy Joe sauce to it for Tom for when he gets up at 11:00.

Today’s the first day in weeks where I’m stuck. This is typical PMS, though. I knew my period, which is starting now, would be late cuz of how easy my PMS was going. A few days ago, it got bad, though. My back’s killing me, I’m super bloated, and my tits are really sore. I’m not gonna get any real relief for a few days, though, cuz of course, I’ve got to spot for 3-4 days first. Can’t I just go back to getting my period normally? God, what a pain playing this spot game! I can’t wait for menopause.

My weight’s not doing too well. Part of it is cuz of water retention, but I also ate too much these last few days. I’m trying to back off the calories and get back to around 108-109 pounds. I’ve been 110-111.

Tom insists I’ve got a better body now than when we met. I’m glad one of us thinks so.

I was wrong in saying the smallest vibrator couldn’t get me off, cuz it did. I also further checked out the thing I’ve got that’s supposed to simulate sucking and it didn’t feel too bad at all.

We were gonna screw around Monday, but I just couldn’t get into it. We finally talked about my lack of appetite and all that. He took it well. I was afraid he’d take it personally and think that I love him any less cuz of it. I love him more and more every day. I’m just bored with the sex. I told him I wondered if it was due to my not wanting a kid anymore, or cuz of its predictability, and he said he’d think about some ideas to help. He seemed confident and not worried at all about it, which helped to relax me, although I myself wasn’t overly worried cuz Tom’s sexually tolerant. If we couldn’t screw for a year, he’d handle it just fine.

The next day he told me he had a possible solution, which is going back to basics. Meaning that we don’t need to change the sex (not that we could or he would be willing to, which is fine cuz our sex is fine as it is) but we need to be more physical with each other. Go back-to-back rubs and stuff like that. That sounds like it may be a great idea. I guess all couples need to do this every now and then. I used to think that only couples who were falling out of love needed to do this, but I see I was wrong. I’m not sick of him. I’m just sick of the sex. Better that, though than of him.

Evie got a full-time job at a daycare center. Great. I’m happy for her. I know she wanted to get the hell out of the house and make extra cash.

Porky decided to stay home last night, I guess, unless he went climbing around on the top and outside sides of the cage and I didn’t know it. He’s such a cutie. He’s not quite all brown. I describe him as having a chocolate body with vanilla feet and a tail tipped with vanilla. Yes, he has white feet and a touch of lightness on the tip of his tail.

I really hope we can look for land during his vacation and get out of here before June’s out! Of course, we’re gonna have to lie a little to anyone that we show the house to if they ask about noise. It’s quiet most of the time as far as music and people go, but not dogs. At night it’s usually OK dog-wise, but if they hear the collies, and they probably will, and ask if they bark much, no will be our answer. If they ask about the neighbors, we don’t know them. I’m certainly not gonna tell them, “Well the city bum next door’s a real sick bitch and God help you if the boyfriend moves back in, cuz if he doesn’t pummel these walls with his bass, he’ll do it with his car doors. He’ll slam them over and over again several times a day that you’ll think something was thrown up against the house. In fact, they’re both so rude and selfish what with the way they harassed me, that I had to complain to the city to shut them up.”

Another thing I noticed about the houses in Arizona is that their driveways can also fit two cars parked in them, but bumper to bumper. Not side by side like the driveways in New England. Guess that’s just part of how obsessed they were with getting these houses so close. Anything to save room width-wise to jam the houses together almost like teeth.

Later...

The renters were a little bit of a problem Monday night, but not too much for too long. It’s still nice to know they’re across the street and not next door. I’ve seen two women, a guy, a teenage girl, and a little girl, associated with that house. However, I don’t know how many people live there. There’s usually a red car and a white car there.

Remember how I said the guy played music for a while when he was working on the white car? It was nothing compared to what I used to get regularly from the freeloaders, but it was annoying enough. I got the same thing from the guy with the white car Monday evening, a little louder, for about five minutes. This time, though, I looked out at the guy, and with it being dark, he saw me. Hopefully, his seeing me sent the proper message to him, but time will tell. That’s what they want, though. They want you to notice them. That’s the purpose of owning one of these stereos. So others hear it.

That I know of, there’s been no music since, but I don’t have a bad vibe from these people. I mean, maybe once in a while I’ll hear their music, but I don’t see it ever becoming like the freeloaders. If I hear them as much as a few times a week, though, I’m not gonna bother complaining to them. First of all, it won’t do me any good. Secondly, we’re out of here soon enough. They’d have to play it loud enough to be heard over the fan and wake me up before I’d make them shut up for sure, do it real loud many times a day like the cock did, or for long periods of time. Meanwhile, a few minutes a week won’t kill me.

They’re so fucking weird, though. Both cars, but especially the white one, are in and out several times a day. Who knows when they work? I saw some weird shit yesterday, too. A woman I’ve never seen before loaded the back of the white car up with God knows what. I saw her make two trips. She seemed to have a long bag of some kind on the first trip, and a big empty red pail or basket on the second trip. Then she got into the car, started the engine, but sat there for about five minutes before pulling out. I thought I saw her swaying as if music was playing, but I couldn’t hear anything. Then a few hours later, she returned in a whole different car that I’d only seen that one time.

In the late afternoon, the white car was parked on the street with something pretty indescribable hitched to it. It was like a long, rectangular cart. It was about ten feet long and three feet deep.

In freeloader news, that’s another weird topic, cuz I’m totally lost on what the latest routine is. Usually, it’s pretty obvious, but now, I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. It used to be obvious enough who’d pick up the bitch and bring her back, but now I don’t know.

The cock, who would sometimes visit with some other dude, are the same guys that went from the cranberry car to the silver car. At least I think they are. Guess the cock felt it was time for some car changes and that maybe explains why I haven’t seen the dark gray car he’s had for a while.

Anyway, Bill left at the usual time of 4:30, but did he leave the mistake at home alone till the two guys pulled in in the silver car a few minutes later? And did these guys pull in with the bitch? Anyway, the silver car played music today, but it was very soft. Totally acceptable. I saw a guy holding the mistake by the driver’s door when I glanced out and thought the guy had just gotten out of the driver’s seat and taken the mistake out of the back and into the house, but obviously, it was someone else and the driver never left his seat. I don’t remember who the guy with the mistake was, but the bald passenger, which I think is the cock, came to the passenger side of the car, took out something that looked like a black cloth briefcase, then went into the house. Then it came back, hopped in the passenger seat, and off they went. The bitch must’ve slipped out of the car before I noticed them, but why are they leaving the kid alone like that? Well, these people are sick, after all. It’s something they’d do.

Later...

The sales calls had backed off cuz I took a day out to tell them all to fuck off, but this evening, they started picking up again. I don’t want sales calls distracting the hell out of us during his vacation. His vacation is at risk as it is, with God making sure things come up to fill his time up with things we’d rather not fill up his vacation time with. The fucking calls are so distracting as it is in the evenings when I’m trying to write or read.

Anyway, I thought I’d put some effort into backing them off for the vacation, not that they won’t happily harass us again soon afterward if I can manage to back them off throughout the vacation. A guy called from someplace offering bullshit vacation deals and I told him to fuck off. I knew, though, that he’d call right back. I could tell by the tone of his voice and just my good judgment of character, that he’d try calling back for the last word. I threatened him too, and a male’s ego feels threatened when challenged physically by a female, so he called back twice, but as soon as it rang and I saw it was him, I quickly picked up the receiver and placed it right back down again. I’m sure he’s only given up just for tonight, though.

I know God is doing this to me for all the people I harassed via phone, but what about the music? Were the freeloaders to pay me back for people I’d bother in apartments with my stereo? I guess I must’ve bothered more people than I realized with my music.

I started a book called Nightmare’s Child, so I think I’ll do some reading now.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1999

Didn’t like Nightmare’s Child, so I’m now reading Billy and it seems better so far. It’s about a child who’s stalked and abducted.

Two days ago I told Tom that I had a moderate-strong vibe that his sore throat would finally, after nearly three weeks, go away. He told me today that it’s almost gone.

Once again, Bill left at 4:30, but then I didn’t see any cars since. Guess the bitch slipped in while I was listening to music or something.

Anyway, I thought I’d write till the slew of sales calls that’s to hit any sec now distracts me. Hopefully, the renters won’t distract me anymore tonight, either. Yeah, the white car just banged in, but not with all bass. All drums. Still, it wasn’t loud enough or often enough to do something about it. I thought it was the silver car next door at first.

Once again, these renters are so damn weird! I think there are something like three adults living over there. I think one was inside or going inside, while a guy and a girl stood outside in this damp rainy weather hugging. Why the fuck would people want to hug outside on such a miserable night?

Tom told me to get him up if it went beyond just a drizzle out there so he could go up in the attic and see if he could see where it was leaking, so I did.

Amazingly, the back room’s not leaking at all. Not yet anyway, but as I told Tom, we’ll never be allowed to fix this roof. It will always leak somehow, somewhere. I don’t know if this roof is forever hexed to anyone who may ever live here, but I do know that as long as we’re here, we won’t be able to fix it. I told him this a long time ago and so far, my vibes haven’t failed.

He insists he was stupid and put a section of the roof on backward while he was tired. Whatever. It’s God I’m pissed off at, though. He’s so mean to Tom. He’s so mean to us. He just won’t help us help ourselves. To me, it’s just like Tom would’ve worked as long and as hard as he did to put the new roof on, only to have some sick fuck come and tear parts of it up. That’s how mean God is. Or something is. I never was one to swear it was God for sure, but if there is a good God of any kind up there, why is he allowing some evil source to do this if it isn’t him that’s doing this? Could the evil source perhaps be stronger than he is? We just want to be left alone. We don’t need these constant setbacks. I warned Tom, too, of the consequences of going against God. If he tries fixing this roof, it’s only gonna get worse. Or something else will go wrong. Then he said that there were two leaks, and when he got one to stop, the other got worse. See? This is exactly the kind of compensation I’m talking about.

I asked him why he wastes his time and sleep trying to fix something that can’t be fixed, and he said that it’s in his nature to not stop trying. Could’ve fooled me. Then if he’s the one wanting more sex and a kid, why’d he stop trying for full-time sex and a kid? (not that God would allow him/us to do this or that that’s what I want) His lame excuse was that you can’t get pregnant during your period, which I have now. True. But neither can you if you don’t screw a woman when she’s mid-cycle, get off in her, and aren’t fertile (or are fertile, but not allowed the right to choose to conceive if you want to). He said that’s why he wants us to go back to basics. He says it’ll up the sex and all that. I don’t want to up the sex, I want to just enjoy it. Also, we can’t up the sex, cuz we can’t change our busyness and schedules.

This period has been the most normal period I’ve had in months and I haven’t needed any ibuprofen. I did have spotting yesterday, so I thought I’d do that till around Saturday or Sunday, but nope. Although it’s still short and light compared to most women (God could never let me be like most women!) it’s normal enough for me. I wish all my periods could be like this. Although the PMS did catch up to me in the end, it was physical. Not mental.

I’ve slacked off on my exercising again, so I want to get back with that even if they don’t do much for me. For most women, as Tom pointed out, they’d help. That’s because most women are trying to get close to my size, but since I’m already where most women are trying to go, they don’t do much for me. If I were 140-180 pounds like most women, then I’d notice more of a difference from these exercises. I’m still heavier than I have been. Woke up at 111 again.

If there’s any good to this rain, it should help clean the air and give my lungs a break from being tight, even if it’s only for a couple of days.

Andy called and left a message saying, “Sure, sure, sure, lonely, lonely, lonely.”

Gee Andy, I really needed that. God, people and the things they do just for attention and just to be acknowledged. Of course, as I knew would be the case, not a damn thing about my losing Ziggy (I told him about her on his machine yesterday). Not even a simple “I’m sorry” from the selfish thing. He’s another one I contemplate walking away from when we move. I just don’t need him. I don’t see why he needs me, either. I mean, he’s still in Springfield and I’m not. I may not have made as many changes as I’d like, but look where he is and look where I am. It’s not that I look down upon him and consider myself better than him, I just don’t consider us to be as compatible as we used to be. We don’t share the same interests, routines…nothing. But I don’t want to try to control or change him. He doesn’t have to be just like me. I want him to be himself and do the things that make him happy. I just want to move on, so to speak, as I have. I just feel I’ve outgrown him.

Tom says there’s something serious going on with Mary medically. He wonders if she may have some kind of cancer or growth within her liver. Oh, God! Just what she needs. Just what this family needs. If she’s got cancer of the liver, she’s dead. Why God? Why the good people? Why do the good people get cancer while the sick fucks like Bill G get curable cancer? Mary may be a user, but she’s still much better than your average person. Just like Tom’s mom and several members of Tom’s family. Mary, Dave, Tom, and I have a full enough plate between having to deal with dad, and now mom. We don’t need problems with Mary, too. I don’t have any death vibes, and God help us all if I’m wrong, as strong as the life vibe is! Where would Ma live? I can’t picture her staying with just Dave and his son who comes on weekends.

As Tom said, though, this is Mary’s own fault. You can’t live on grease, and that’s exactly what she’s been doing for so many years, but she just doesn’t care. She refuses to eat anything other than McDonald’s. In a way, I envy her and her carefree ways. I wish I didn’t give a shit about what I ate and how I looked and how cluttered and dirty my house was. No one that eats at McDonald’s every single day with such dedication, gives a shit about how they look. She’s got a man’s attitude, and if there was one thing and one thing only that I wish I had that most men have, that’s that I wouldn’t give a damn about how I looked or what I ate. I’d let the house be trashed and not care, either. Mary’s house is one of the filthiest, sloppiest, cluttered, disgusting, ugliest houses I ever did see. Not the house itself, but what’s inside the house. She gets this from her parents, though. Tom’s the same way. It’s just that I won’t let him be, except for the back room, cuz I can’t stand to live in such a filthy cluttered mess. It’s depressing. I like things neat, pretty, uncluttered, and organized.

Maybe Mary will bypass McDonald’s on her way home from work one of these days, clean her house, and cook a nice meal that they all eat as a family at the dinner table. Not at the TV. But Mary’s gotta be Mary. We can’t lecture her like a little two-year-old and tell her how to eat right. Maybe she’s one of those who intend to live it up and who believes in having fewer better years, rather than more tougher ones where you deprive yourself of stuff you love. Some people are like that to the extreme, some are like me where they’re half into being health-conscious, half not. Some are health freaks.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1999

Well, Tom is officially on vacation. It rained today too (at least my lungs are better), but at least for his sake, you can almost always count on a beautiful weekend in Arizona, cuz he wants to go to the racetrack Sunday. Tomorrow, he’s gonna shop for fun stuff for himself. He was supposed to do this a while back, but for various reasons, he never got around to it. He needs a new wallet, and maybe he’ll pick up a new computer game or something.

You know how I said something always comes up on his vacations? Well, two days are shot already, cuz he has jury duty on Monday, and he has to take our daughter to the doctor next week, too. At least his mother was kind and generous enough to offer to pay for us to go to Laughlin, but we decided against it. We don’t want to spend six hours on the road each way and not sleep well. Well, I wouldn’t sleep well. We’d rather go to the casinos on the Indian reservation and while we’re at it, we’ll check out some land in that area. If there’s any available to check out. We’ll have to look online.

A really loud stereo just thumped by, so I lost my train of thought. Where was I? Well, let’s just say we don’t have any big plans for this vacation. I just hope it’s a pleasant one.

I don’t know if we’ll break our routine of weekend sex and have it during the week since he’s on vacation, but to tell you the truth, I really hope we don’t. I mean, I don’t see how going back to basics and doing the backrub scene and all that is gonna make a difference. What it is is plain and simple - it’s old. There really is no big problem here to figure out, after all. It’s just that sex is no longer new and exciting to me. At this point, if I need to get off, I can just get off with the vibrators. There’s nothing new to explore and experiment with him. Also, although sex is predictable, it’s familiar and comfortable.

I also want to do right by God and be a responsible person (along with helping to prevent something from happening that I don’t want to happen). Meaning I don’t want to have mid-cycle sex even though God’s seen fit to it that I cannot conceive. It’s sort of like having cops. OK, so you have them around to protect you, but should you still dump the responsibility all on the cops and assume that just because they exist, you can be stupid and irresponsible and go walking around alone in a bad area of town in the middle of the night? That’d be ridiculous. People still have to do the right thing and be responsible for their own selves no matter how well-protected they already are.

There’s a doll show going on at 8:00. I’ll be checking it out.

I’m having a serious setback with the weight. Woke up at 113 pounds! Yeah, I have been eating too much. Isn’t it scary, though, to see how fast I could undo nearly a month’s worth of work? I could eat my way back up to the mid-120s in time for my next appointment with Melanie on the 22nd and be the same size I was when I first saw her. No prob. Anyway, I’ll be pushing myself really hard to make sure I don’t have more than 1000 calories. I even took a water pill to give me a head start, even though it’s after my period. Yeah, my period’s just about over. I’m gonna be sooooooooo hungry. Food is all I think about! Those Chromium Picolinate pills became more and more worthless, so I’m on my own as far as dealing with hunger pangs go. It’s either go hungry or eat and get fat. Real fat. I’m gonna go hungry till I’m about 40, but after that - I’m gonna live it up. No, I’m not gonna eat like a pig and eat nothing but junk, but I’m not gonna deprive myself either, and spend so many hours being hungry.

Later...

Well, I peed off nearly three pounds and am down to 110½.

Tom says Mary’s got some sort of problem with her stomach or intestines, but that’s all I know. I know she’s gonna live, but I don’t know if she’s gonna need surgery.

Tom and I were debating over whether Bill really ever had lymphoma. He insists Bill wouldn’t shave his head and that that was real chemo baldness. But guys aren’t into appearance like women, so if he wanted to pull some bullshit lie for attention that required him shaving his head, he’d do it. Maybe the sick fuck really did have it, but I like to say he lied about it. I mentioned his lying about it in a letter to Tammy and she never insisted I got the wrong idea, so who knows for sure? The point is, whether or not he did have it, I guess you could say there’s a little Dureen in me who likes to add lies to the truth out of anger and hatred. Although, this is human nature in a way. So, besides admitting certain things about Bill that are true, I kind of like the idea of calling this little shit a liar and making up shit that never happened, to add to shit that did happen. I love to hate people like him.

Andy left a message telling me he was mugged by five people. Thank God he wasn’t hurt. He said he knows where they live and that he’s gonna have some guy in the neighborhood take care of them for him. He’s gonna have one guy take on five guys? Right!

Then he told me some good news, but then again, it’s not good news, cuz he won’t let it be good news. Through the temp agency, he’s gonna be working at Bank One (as a clerk for 7:50 an hour, Monday through Friday, 8 AM-5 PM) for what they say is to be three months, but he says will end up being only three weeks, cuz of jobs they’ve said before that would be for three months that turned out to be only for three weeks. As Tom said, this is a good job to have and if he does a good job, they’ll hire him permanently. But he doesn’t want a permanent job and he doesn’t want full-time work. I don’t care what he says, he only wants part-time work in different places. He may keep a job for a while if it’s part-time, but if he were given a full-time position, he’s gonna set himself up for firing. He’ll open his mouth and practically beg to be fired.

Even he’s admitted to liking little vacations and having free time to bum around. Is he always gonna be such a sad sad case? Such a loser?

Porky’s become quite the prankster. He’s taken to walking around the outside of his cage and for the last three nights in a row, I caught him on the outside of the cage and had to yell at him to get back inside. That little shit! It’s kind of cute, though. It’s like the little devil knows just what he’s doing too, cuz he seems to usually do this only when I’m around to see it. Sort of like a cat getting negative attention by climbing on a table it’s not supposed to be climbing on, knowing its gonna get yelled at.

This is the second day in a row that I haven’t heard or seen anyone other than Bill from next door. She’s not out partying or doing something tonight, though, cuz there are lights on inside and no porch light on.

Tom brought up a good point about them if they were to move first, which I highly doubt and don’t sense. He says they won’t do anything to the house. He said they may play loud music while loading up, but they wouldn’t do anything to the house. He said burning it down is out of the question, cuz it’s awfully hard to burn down a brick house. True. But they still may smash windows or do other vandalism.

Later...

The good thing about the doll shows is that at the beginning of each hour, they show a quick preview of the dolls they’re gonna sell. So at 9:00, I’ll get a preview of the last hours’ worth of dolls. So far, none of the dolls are impressive. Just their prices. There was a 24” vinyl baby doll, not that I’d want it, for just $17!

Last night, at the same time as the night before, that guy from the Embassy Suites hotel called back with his vacation deal shit. I told you he would. I’m good with people. I didn’t let him get any further than where he was calling from before I went off on him. I knew it was him, though, by what time it was, and I also recognized the voice instantly. Tonight, I took the phone off the hook and will leave it off till 9:00, cuz I don’t want to be distracted by the phone constantly ringing. I’m surprised the little fuck didn’t leave a message last night. Maybe hearing a man’s voice discouraged him, but somehow, I doubt this.

Later...

I saw the rest of the dolls, and they were all either shitty or so-so, till I saw Glenora! Oh my God! She was 24” at $70 with ordinary hair just to the waist and an ordinary face, but her outfit! It was like - wow! It was a mint green colored crepe skirt with a matching top, but what made this doll so unique was that her stomach was exposed. The top is sort of like a midriff. It was beautiful, and there are just not enough outfits like these. She had on nice lace shoes and was holding a basket of flowers. She was really nice.

They had a 33” doll for just a little over $100. You could never get a deal like that in the stores! The store’s dolls that are around 30” are usually $400-$500.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 1999

The neighborhood was quiet today. Didn't hear the renters. Didn't hear the freeloaders. Bill was next door, but that's all I saw from over there. Is Bill really that lonely with no life at all? Or does he know and resent in any way shape or form just how much he's being used by that bitch?

Just when I thought my period was over, I've had spotting today. What? Am I gonna go the other direction and have my period, then spot, rather than spot first, then get my period?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1999

Just broke the second dog cup I ever broke. Of course it had to be my three Dalmatians, one of my favorites.

The weekend was quiet. I'm surprised the freeloaders let us have two weekends in a row of peace with no ball games or anything. Guess they feel we've been paid back enough for the roofing noise, cuz remember, she wasn't home throughout most of it.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1999

Tom went to the racetrack today. I told him that I strongly vibe that neither of us is destined to ever win anything big. I told him he wouldn’t win anything big today, but to have fun anyway. Then he swore he’d change destiny and win $200 and find that doll I want and get her. I was asleep when he got home, but when I got up, I told him, “I told you so.” Sure enough, he not only didn’t win anything, but they also canceled the races after four races.

Between a water pill and watching what I ate, two days ago I woke up at 108 pounds, and today, 109.

Did up a letter to Tammy.

For Andy’s birthday, I’ll be mailing him a wacky letter with a $20 bill stuffed inside.

I set up Bailey in yet another pose. For a long time, she sat on one of the stereo speakers. Then I put her on the floor with one hand on a stuffed wolf, then later holding Barbie by the back of the neck as she stood on the floor next to her, and now she’s kneeling by Maria. I didn’t think this doll could kneel, cuz I thought her knees weren’t bent enough, but obviously I was wrong. Since Bailey and Maria are about the same size/weight, I weighed Maria just to see how heavy this doll was. She’s only three pounds. I was surprised. I thought she’d be closer to five.

The little night prowler should be out and about any time now. Porky still walks around the outside of his cage at night.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1999

Woke up at 109 pounds.

Tom didn’t get picked for jury duty, fortunately.

Got my CDs yesterday. All but one came, cuz Pure Dance 1998 was out of stock. Linda’s new album, just like the last one, has not even one good song on it. I will never buy another album of hers again! I’m finished with her. She just cannot come up with hits like she used to. I’ll keep the album anyway. There were four CDs I didn’t like and if Tom doesn’t want them, I’ll have him bring them to Mary’s house so that anyone who wants them can help themselves. Or maybe Andy will want a couple of them. One’s a Marvin Gaye album, one’s the Grease soundtrack (which I thought had other songs on it that I’d like that I don’t have on other CDs), and the others are oldies. The shittiest of the oldies. The ones I like are these two Fleetwood Mac albums. One is of them performing live, the other’s other artists doing some of their hits. Got one of Heart, Hall & Oats, Janet Jackson, Styx, The Mamas and the Papas, and a couple of disco albums.

We didn’t have sex during the weekend. I guess what Tom’s doing is understanding that the sex got a little old, and therefore, he’s giving me a break from it, although we haven’t literally gone “back to the basics,” so to speak. He’s taken this really well, though, as no other man would, and for this I’m really grateful. He’s one of a kind! I don’t know when we’ll return to sex. I guess I’ll leave that up to him. I know that sex, when we do return to it, will be predictable, but hopefully, the urge to get off with him and not just with the vibrators will have returned, but I’m afraid deep down that this is where I’ll stay. Only time will tell, though.

My little night prowler stayed home last night, and it looks like he will tonight, too.

Later...

I’m a little tired this evening. That’s because I only slept for six hours. Seeing that I’m just a hobbyist and a homemaker, I can certainly live with it. Especially since it doesn’t have to be for four months that I’m deprived of my sleep.

At this point, I believe there’s either a 50/50 chance one of us has something wrong in the plumbing department or a 50/50 chance nothing’s wrong at all. It’s either one or the other. I’m not totally sure something’s wrong, I’m not totally sure nothing’s wrong. Whichever it is, it’s God’s will and they both mean the same thing, whether I ever want a child again or not - a child will never be. It’s not destined.

Tom guesses that by the year 2000, I’ll have a total of 12 dolls (not counting Barbies). That sounds reasonable. He guesses that by the year 2001, I’ll have 75 dolls between those I buy and those I make. That many?! I’d say more like 15-20 by then, but we’ll see.

His ma gave us $100 each to gamble with, which we’re gonna do probably tomorrow morning. This was very nice of her. I’m gonna try to get a doll either way. Meaning, I’m gonna try to only gamble $30-$40 so I can watch the next doll show and see if I can get one I like, but as far as Glenora goes, I think I can pretty much write her off as a lost cause. I don’t think we could find her if there are any more of her left.

Tom took Ma for her appointment today. Now they’re worried about her heart, I guess, so they did a test on her and are gonna do more tests to find out if a valve is leaking or what. She said she won’t have a triple bypass done if she needs one. I don’t blame her, although those aren’t such a big deal anymore. But still, why put yourself through it if you don’t even have two more years to live?

Last Friday I left Andy a message after he told me he was gonna start that job with the bank Monday, to leave me a message Monday after work to let me know how it went. As figured, though, there was no message. Like I was surprised? Right! He probably never even showed up for work. Anyway, not only did I not get a message from him over the weekend, I didn’t get a message in response to my asking him if he wanted the CDs I don’t like. Is something wrong? I don’t sense it, so to speak, and I hope not. Maybe he did go to work and is just too busy to discuss it.

Later...

I’m reading my last book now and will need to go to the bookstore this week. I’m reading The Guardian which was based on the movie that Norah was in where she looked her best in 1990. At first I wasn’t gonna get too many books based on movies I’d seen, because then I’d really know what the book was all about. Books are pretty predictable as it is. However, the book versions are slightly different than the movie version. There are some twists and turns. So, since I’m getting tired of getting ten books only to end up liking half of them, I may as well get books that I know I’ll like.

Tom told me all about his day in court. He said he was sitting in for jury selection on two different trials. The first one was a guy charged with aggravated DUI. The judge would begin by asking a series of questions. The first was “Do any of you know me or my family?” I joked to Tom that he should’ve answered, “Yeah, I know you! You were my daddy in a former life!” There were questions asked like “Does anyone here not drink?” (because the case was about drinking). So Tom said he didn’t drink, then he was asked why he didn’t drink. He said it was because he didn’t like the taste of alcohol or its effect on the body. That disqualified him immediately.

They were asked if any of them were related to anyone in law enforcement, and Tom jokingly thought about saying that his wife works for the FBI, since I’m always spying on the freeloaders and investigating this and that, in a sense.

He said he was surprised at how many professionals were there. There were several doctors and lawyers and other so-called hotshots. He thought there’d be more lower-class people. There was a cop too, as a potential juror who was asked if he’d automatically side with the officers testifying in a case. He said yes and the judge said: “Leave.” Typical, typical pig too, to side with a fellow officer no matter what.

He said the second trial was one black that beat up another black. Tom said he feared he’d get picked for this trial cuz he couldn’t answer yes to any of the questions asked. One of the questions asked, naturally, was “Is anyone prejudiced?” I was kind of surprised no one answered yes. I mean, this may not be 50 years ago, but still, there still are and always will be, people who hate blacks. Or “African Americans.” Or “people of color.” They keep rewording their so-called description. They were “colored” in the 70s.

Speaking of blacks that I consider assholes, after President’s Day, which will be on Andy’s birthday on the 15th, there’ll be a whole six weeks before the next holiday - Easter! Can you believe it? A whole six weeks. Wow! Will they act up and make complete assholes of themselves like they did last Easter? If they know what’s good for them, they won’t, cuz last Easter, they were despicable! They blasted in and out, they had ten kids playing ball for what was it? Three hours? It couldn’t have been more obvious that it was aimed at me.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1999

Speaking of me playing detective, well, both Tom and I have a little case going. The assignment is about following that bitch and finding out where she goes during the week. That ought to really creep her out; her reading about that.

What I'm gonna do, is find out who the hell's driving her to wherever she goes lately. She's had three different drivers - Bill, the cock, and the lady in the light blue car. I'm also gonna verify which direction they take off in. That way, we'll be parked a little way down the road ready to follow them when I see her current driver go by. Bill comes between 6:15 and 7:30, so I'll be on the lookout during those times.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 1999

I got a kick out of how I said (after I got Anne) that I wasn't gonna get Rapunzel cuz Anne blows Rapunzel away. No, she doesn't. Not even close. I don't know why I thought that. Maybe I did cuz I hadn't yet seen Rapunzel in person.

In the card file thing, where I have index cards of pet info, phone numbers, etc., I created a doll card too, and put the dates in that I got each doll.

There are two doll shows that I know of on the Home Shopping channel. There's The Doll Outlet and Gallery Of Dolls. I check out the dolls on the Gallery of Dolls earlier. They had a lot of dolls I'd seen on other shows of both these doll shows, but no Glenora. The new ones I hadn't seen before either sucked or were just so-so.

At 3:00, I'll be getting Tom up. We should hit the casinos by 4:00. Then when we're done gambling, unless we lose real fast, the sun should be just coming up so we can check out the nearby land.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1999

We didn’t thoroughly check out land since it’s kind of soon, but we got a general idea of the area and it’s beautiful.

We went to one of the casinos we’d been to before and had pretty much the luck I predicted, which wasn’t much. Tom did win $175 at one point, but he put most of it back. I both lost and broke even. I’ve got a really good accuracy rate when it comes to sensing out machines that I can hold my own on for a while, but not win big on. I’m sure that’s because neither of us is ever destined to win anything big. At one point, I had to decide whether or not to keep on gambling, or to stop at the $40 I’d just lost, but then Tom gave me $40 of his, so I still have $60 left. Guess this means I’ll be getting a doll again soon, but not too soon. I doubt I’ll be able to find Glenora again, and it may take a few shows to find a doll I want. Most of their dolls really do suck or are boring.

Anyway, we both had fun and I gave my diet a break to have two candy bars, a bag of Fritos, and a large order of fries at Jack-n-the-Box. Gained a pound for it too, so now I have to really cut back.

I came up with a wonderful piece of bullshit. You know, for the freeloader file? In this story, we are the blue car that comes to pick her up in the mornings. We got the same car, same color, and we were waiting for her early in the morning. It was still dark at the time, so she hopped right on in the car without even looking, assuming it was the usual car and driver that takes her to wherever she goes. Then I wrote about how she took a lisping tizzy fit similar to the one she took on me in real life, and then we dropped her off way out of her way in Tucson.

We’re gonna wait till it gets lighter earlier before we follow the bitch. Tom wants to wait down on 19th Ave. And follow from there. Less chance of getting detected, I guess, not that I really care. I don’t think he wants to or really ever intends to follow her to see where she goes, but you know Tom - just can’t say "no" too easily to things he doesn’t want to do. He just goes along with you and is like - yeah, yeah, whatever.

Seeing that they gave me two quiet weekends in a row, I have a feeling that this upcoming holiday weekend will change that pattern.

The renters had their white car towed away the other day, according to Tom. They’ve been great, too. I’ve only heard their music three times and it was nothing compared to what the freeloaders would give me. I also don’t hear their dog barking 24/7.

Andy did just what I knew he’d do. Damn! He really wants to be a loser. He really wants to stay in the same old rut he’s been in since 1988. He blew off that job. What a shame. It would’ve been good pay and good benefits, but hey, if he doesn’t give a shit and if he doesn’t want to work, no one can make him. But why doesn’t he just become a full-time dealer? If he has no problem with druggies and with dealing to those he knows, and if he doesn’t mind giving up pensions and benefits, which is obviously the case, why doesn’t he just deal his life away, so to speak? That’s all his life is anyway - pot, food, and phones. Mixed in with a little TV and music.

I decided that there is one song on Linda’s new album that I do like, after all. It’s called Heartbreak Kind.

After we came home at 7:30, we took off again at 9:00 and went to the pet store. I needed a heavy-weight bowl like Velvet’s got for the rats, and rat/mice food. So I got a bowl with silhouettes of rabbits and ferrets on it.

Then we went to check out what kind of Fancy mice they had in stock, wondering if they had none or just males, but guess what? They had two females that are probably pregnant, and I got them! Yes, Katie and Ashley are cuties. Katie has the most white I’ve ever seen on a Fancy mouse. Ashley looks a lot like Spot did. So now I have 8 mice and hopefully, I’ll have about 16 by March 4th, since they carry litters for 3 weeks at a time. Well, if they’re pregnant, they could be a week or more into their pregnancies, so 3 weeks would be the max. They were in with males, though, and they are old enough to conceive. They look to be about a month old. They’re no babies, but they aren’t quite full-grown, either. They could even be a little more than a month. They’re about Star’s size, my one and only mouse that didn’t quite make it to full-grown size. They’re sisters.

I didn’t take pictures of Katie yet, but I got a couple of cute ones of Ashley, which I’ll be sending Tammy and them guys.

Lastly, we went to the bookstore, and did I ever tell you about this pest that works there? Good, God! I can’t shop there anymore. Besides, it’s time to explore a new store anyway.

For all I know, she’s some lonely lesbian who thinks I’m just beautiful. If not, she’s obviously very lonely and very bored. That’s not much of a job she’s got, organizing books.

She’s shorter than me, with a plain/ugly face, boy-short hair, and totally typical of what I’d get pestering me. I mean, leave it to a pitiful thing like this to be all friendly and wanting to talk to me.

Anyway, the last several times I’d go into the store, she’d be bugging me by asking if she could find this or find that for me. Totally annoying! I couldn’t concentrate very well on finding good books with this thing hanging around me acting like she was all infatuated with me and dying for my attention.

I was a little firmer with her yesterday and let her know that if I needed something, I’d ask. Meanwhile, she was trying to get my sympathy by bitching about her flu and her stomach, but after a minute or two of giving her the silent treatment, she fucked off. Still, if I gave her my whole day, she’d sit and gab to me all fucking day long. If I must run into people who are like this periodically, can’t they look like Melanie and be a little more worth it? No! Of course not! Being both psychic and good with people, I have a feeling this poor lost, lonely soul has a touch of the old me in her, though. I picture her living alone and maybe even being on SSI. She’s forever single, not too many friends and if so, not ones you can count on and that even have half a brain, and she’s constantly hard up for bucks.

Later...

Jesus fucking Christ! I cannot believe how hexed I am when it comes to toilets! Not only do you have to hold the button in that flushes the damn thing for something like ten seconds, but now it’s leaking in back from the bass of the tank! Well, fuck this shit. I’m not even gonna give in to this hex. I’m just gonna turn the other cheek on it and hope the fucking thing will stay functional enough till we’re out of here and that it doesn’t affect the sale of the house. Tom has enough maintenance jobs in store for this house. He doesn’t need any more. It’s like, he fixes three things, then two more things break. He never really gets ahead. I just know too, that things that shouldn’t need to be fixed for 10-20 years will be breaking in the new house right away. What is it with me and toilets? Why am I hexed with toilets? Sex. Toilets. Free will. Where’s the connection? Is there any? Does any of this shit mean anything beyond just the basic fact that I’m hexed within these departments?

Later...

I forgot to mention that I got carded upon entering the casino. I was surprised, too.

Katie sure is a wheeler. She’s been wheeling for hours, it seems. She also has such a small amount of brown. Only her rump and one side of her face have brown fur.

The girl at the pet store, whom I’ve seen before, offered to take the male babies provided that her usual breeder doesn’t load her up first. It’d be just my luck that this breeder would give her a ton of mice the day before I went to bring them in, too. She said Siamese mice are really pretty. Never seen them. They’re supposed to be light brown with darker brown around the ears.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1999

I have a feeling that this 3-day weekend won’t be completely peaceful. They gave me two quiet weekends in a row, so I think that in their minds, it’ll be time to make up for that peace. Remember I know just how these fuckaroos operate. You don’t even have to be good with people to know how they operate, cuz they go about it in such an obvious way. Right now, I sense that Sunday or Monday could call for some shit, and God knows I’ll be up to receive it, too.

And who knows what the renters and our local bangers may do, although lately, it’s been great as far as stereos go in general. I’m also stunned to have not heard/seen more of the collie kids lately either out back, on the street, or next door, but like I said, I think they got into a fight and that explains why the girl that’s about ten years old, that used to use their hoop, hasn’t used it.

Later...

I did something I haven’t done since gaining and losing weight. My metabolism must be soaring. Well usually, if I take a day to pig out, I’m a pound heavier the next day and I don’t lose that pound till after I’ve stopped eating. Well, I pigged out two days ago and woke up a pound heavier. Then yesterday, I ended up pigging out too, but woke up at midnight a pound less at 109! Maybe it’s cuz I slept for such a long time. You do lose weight in your sleep. Well, you should. I wasn’t at first. When my weight peaked at around 125 pounds, I’d wake up at exactly what I went to bed at. Anyway, here I am being compensated for waking up a pound lighter by being stuck. First day in weeks, even close to a month, that I’ve been stuck. Not even the last two times I took a water pill caused me to be stuck. I was gonna cheat, had I woken up at 110-111, by taking a water pill. Gets me back down to 108-109 a lot faster than doing it the old-fashioned way. Maybe I ought to go online. I noticed that being on the phone or being online seems to get those number twos rolling. I’d always have to take a dump right when I’d be in the middle of looking up something on the web.

Andy left a message saying that he got the letter and money I sent for his birthday.

Later...

Just like we’re taking a break from sex to try to have it be more special, new and exciting when we return to it (although I know better), I’m taking a break from picture screensavers to use some of the regular ones.

Tom got this really neat sponge that’s attached to a slim stick that you put soap into. It seeps into the sponge as you do dishes. It’s really cool, but I can’t hang it where the sponge is dangling down, cuz then the soap just seeps through and runs out. I have to lay it on its side.

I asked Tom if it would be OK for him to decide when it’s best to go back to sex (since it’s usually him who makes most of the decisions concerning sex) and he agreed, but I hope it’s gonna be a while yet. Just like mixing business with pleasure complicates things, so does mixing sex with relationships. My love for Tom just isn’t sexual, anyway. It’s emotional. And I don’t want the sex thrown into the picture to complicate things. On the other hand, there aren’t reasons why it could complicate things as much as there used to be. It used to be that it bothered me that he didn’t cum, especially cuz it used to be that I wanted a baby. It used to be that he’d play games and refuse to even go in there at times. But now that I’d prefer him not to cum, don’t want a child, prefer sex part-time on weekends, goes in there we go to screw, there shouldn’t be arguments over sex, since the sex itself has gotten to be mutual. In the past, though, it was pretty much on his terms only and I didn’t like his terms much back then. I just have no desire to have sex with him, plain and simple. I love him and want to be with him forever, but I love to talk with him, do things with him, etc. Not fuck with him. It isn’t the predictability of the sex that bores me, it’s the sex itself that bores me, and I’d really rather just take care of myself.

As I was telling Tom yesterday, I have some worries that eat at me at times, but don’t we all? It’s really weird and a bit frustrating, cuz when I’m miserable I spend my time wishing for better times, and when I’m happy I spend my time fearing I’ll be miserable again at any moment. I just hope and pray to God that I never find myself wanting a kid again. It’s not like I could do something about it if I did. Most couples can do something about it and can be helped if they’re having a problem. However, I’m a freak case cuz of Tom. This doesn’t mean, though, that if Tom were suddenly normal in bed this would change anything, cuz I’d still be a freak case, but then it’d be cuz of God.

I didn’t express this to Tom and I never would, but as much as I’m anxious to get Ma off to join Dad, and on with our lives (hopefully), I don’t look forward to being treated like shit. Maybe things will be different this time around and I sure do hope so, cuz he really treated me like shit when his dad died, and he really took his sorrow out on me. I understood. It’s not like he meant to do what he did deliberately, but he’d snap at me, lie, make ridiculous excuses for his behavior, and say I said/did things I didn’t say/do, etc.

Porky and Ratsy are playing now. The rats play like kittens and it’s so cute!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1999

I’m taping a 3-hour doll show now to see if they show Glenora again so I can at least get her code number which I was stupid enough to tape over. I won’t be able to pick out a doll for a few weeks, though, cuz Tom went over the limit on the credit card.

Two things went as I predicted. One was that Tom won a small amount of money at the racetrack yesterday ($16) like I saw, and two, the freeloaders were quiet. It’s today or Monday that they may make a ruckus.

Woke up at 112 pounds. Tom says it cuz I was stuck (I’m now unstuck). Even so, I took a water pill so I don’t have to starve for two weeks to get back under 110.

Yesterday, Tom not only surprised me by suddenly leading me to the bed for fun but also with how wonderful a job he did when he went down on me. I even got off. For your average woman, it’s a million times easier to get off when you go down on her than when you screw her. Screwing can’t hit the clit just right and in the right kind of way. At first he told me I didn’t have to get off since that’s not what this was all about, but I did. He did such a good job. Better than he’d usually do.

Once again, though, I don’t like the lying. That’s the only thing I have a problem with. He claimed, upon us getting into bed, that he didn’t know what would happen. You mean to tell me he just “happened” to go down on me after not doing so for ages? I don’t think so. I know he planned to go down on me, which was great. I needed the change. All we’ve been doing is screwing. But must he lie about it?

God really does find all kinds of ways to ensure our destinies. Even if it means using others to help. What I mean by this is that since we’re starting all over, he’s gonna use this as an excuse to not cum for years. Well, I hope he’s happy and doesn’t mind sacrificing cumming with his wife.

So, since we’ve gone back to the beginning, I can enjoy being selfish by having the sex be just for me, and not having to wash cum-stained sheets. If he’s as serious as he has been about going back in time and reenacting the sex we had in the beginning, then we’ll be having 1-sided sex for sure and he won’t cum till around the middle of 2001. Oh, how good it feels to have sex like this now! In the beginning, when we had our 1-sided sex where he didn’t cum, it was miserable for me. I hated it and I hated the infrequency of it, too. But now, if we switched to having sex more than once a week and during weekdays too (he claims he doesn’t know when or how often we’ll have sex), I’d be bored silly with it like never before.

I typed him up a little Valentine’s note and now I’ll go get my Evie messages.

Later...

Wow. No Evie messages. I wonder if I sent Dureen and Art a blank message, though. I thought it’d be funny if they found that I found them yet again, and took a moment to think of their most loved things, besides themselves. I came up with their bird and dog and so I typed in maxchicken. This produced no results, so then I tried chickenmax and the thing went through. I’ll know if it’s them in a day or two if the name changes again. If I send a message to chickenmax in a couple of days and get a message saying there’s no such user - it was them. If it’s them since their names didn’t work, their animals didn’t work, that should mean the flags would be next. Chickenmax, though, does seem like a name people may use. I mean, it doesn’t sound too original, so if I had to guess, I’d say it wasn’t them. Even though they do have a bird named Chicken and a dog named Max, Doe66 was more obvious than chickenmax.

Along with going to the track, Tom stopped and got me ink cartridges and some really cool treats for the mice that Mary gets for her hamsters. It’s colorful, crinkly strips of paper in a thin, cardboard box that they chew their way into. It’s got pink, blue, and yellow paper. He got one box that’s a couple of inches wide that I put in the small aquarium (I set up the aquariums again) and a box that’s about six inches wide that I put in the big aquarium.

I found a neat way to set up tubes in the rat’s cage. It’s hard to connect the tubes to the shelves once the shelves are inside the cage, but you can’t really do it before putting the shelves inside cuz they won’t fit through the doors. So I used the chains that hook the hammock on that they never used and it’s really cool. I think they like it. The chains hold the tubes in place, so I created a little ramp-like thing. The plastic rings that go on these tubes have holes in them for the chains.

I still have a strong vibe saying we’ll move in June, or very close to June, but what if the house takes close to a year to sell? God, I hope not! Tom says that houses out here are commonly selling in just 30 days lately. Well, I hope it stays that way and that it sells fast enough for us. I’ve seen houses take way more than 1-2 months to sell out here.

Thank God the freeloaders don’t know we’re moving soon enough, cuz if they did, they’d probably figure it was close enough that I wouldn’t complain to the city if they went back to their old shit. They would’ve thought wrong.

Later...

I feel like it’s Monday morning. A regular Monday morning, that is. God, I wish that were true.

Anyway, I watched the doll show and no Glenora. They had a couple of OK dolls, though. I wrote the code number down for one of them just in case. She’s a 24” doll named Giselle and she’s $50. The only thing I didn’t like about her was the frilly thing she had on her head. It was some kind of hat that might have had feathers. I wonder if I’ll be able to get the damn thing off her head if I get her, what with the way they glue/weave hats on. I don’t know why, but it seems that doll makers are obsessed with putting things on the doll’s heads. You almost never see a doll with nothing on her head. She was a ballerina-type doll and although her outfit was gorgeous, once again, it was blue. Blue seems to be the number one color for doll clothing. They had a lot of William Tung dolls (the guy who made Glenora), but most of his dolls were hideous. They had a 36” doll for just $119! She was pitiful, though. Short hair, shitty outfit.

For variety’s sake, I put Bailey in the floral dress with the purple trim that one of my teddy bears wears. It doesn’t exactly go with her blue hair bows, but I don’t want to take them out in case I can’t get them back in too easily. I cannot believe how realistically and well she’s sculpted! Even her knees look real. I have the front part of her dress sort of bunched on her lap so you can see one of her knees. I brushed out her hair and was amazed to find how easy it was. Just like with Anne. Wish mine were that easy to brush out! When I got Bailey undressed, what I saw was a little scary. The breastplate that the head sits on wasn’t attached to the cloth body very well. It didn’t seem to be, anyway. It was only attached with a few thin strips of cloth. Well, it hasn’t fallen off yet and if it does, it looks like it could be reattached easily enough provided that the head and breastplate don’t smash to pieces first.

I wonder just how close to the sex we had in the first couple of years Tom’s planning on following. If he’s gonna do exactly what we did the first couple of years, we’re gonna have sex for me and get me off. He’ll go down on me, but he won’t cum or go on top. We’ll do only the side position and instead of going on top after banging away on the side for a while, he’ll stop either when I cum or when he feels like he’s been hard long enough. Meanwhile, he’ll never go on top. As I told him, he’s the boss in bed. Always has been, always will be. So it’s up to him what we do, but if I have to wait two years, depending on how close to the past he wants to follow through with this thing, I’ll kind of miss his being on top.

The mice are acting really weird and I think there’s a damn good chance that they’ll never use the aquariums again. They’re ignoring everything I stored away for a week or so. They’ll only stay in the two Play City cages that they’ve always used. They did this when I took away and then put back another Play City cage that I haven’t used in ages. After I took it away for a while, then put it back, they wouldn’t have anything to do with it. But why? This is weird, huh? Well hopefully, the babies will use it once they can get around on their own.

Later...

As much as I rank on this house, there are a few good things about it. Take the little living room window, for example. I’ve always loved the square window that’s between the big window and the door with its thick translucent glass. It’s exactly one square foot and Barbie fits in it just nicely. I put her in there for now, since Bailey’s not holding her now.

I really pity the next people to live here. Not just cuz of the dogs and cuz they’ll have to deal with some ball games that are so close, they’ll think someone’s throwing a ball up against the house, but cuz the freeloaders will go back to their old shit for damn sure. I don’t know if the cock will move back in, but I’m sure they’ll return to blasting their music. And I’ll bet you the sick fucks will hope that the new people will complain, however reasonable the complaint and politely made it may be, just so they can start the whole spiel all over again and knowingly and intentionally harass and blast that music till it pisses the people off. That’d be a dumb thing to do, though. Unless the people just don’t mind having their walls thumped with bass, or do it themselves too, what if the new people are even less tolerant than me? What if they do beat the snot out of her and her cronies like I wanted to and almost did numerous times? What if they complain to the city and end up getting evicted since that’d make the third complaint that I know of?

Oh, great! Bandit’s down in one of the aquariums. Maybe they will use it again, after all.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1999

At 12:30, a half-hour after I got up, I left Andy a message wishing him a happy birthday and told him to call me at 1:30 after I’d had time to wake up, eat, and wash up if he wanted to talk. I figured it’d be close to his bedtime and that he’d only be up till 2:00-3:00, but I was wrong. He left me a message at 1:05 while I was brushing my teeth, saying he was gonna do some audiotaping and would call me back at 3:30-4:00. Also, he’s been staying up till 6:00-7:30 in the morning lately. Oh, God! This means that if he calls, and I know damn well he will, I’ll be stuck on the phone with him for hours! Well, it’s his birthday, so it won’t kill me to be his slave for a day.

The freeloaders were quiet. I kind of went to bed around their prime time, so that could be part of why they seemed quiet.

We went to Walgreens yesterday morning. I was amazed that it wasn’t packed. The original plan was to get me some cranberry juice and some puzzles, and then go to Staples to see if he could find himself a computer-related treat (he wrote a program that allows him to scan his picks for horse races on his little laptop, and has been back at the computer more and at the TV less).

Anyway, I needed the cranberry juice for that pain I sometimes get on my lower, right side right around mid-cycle time. I guess it’s just a coincidence that I get it at that time cuz the pain’s too high to be my ovaries or anything like that. Nonetheless, I got the juice and it helped kill the pain. Thank God for that power-playing snob at Natchaug who told me about this little trick. That’s probably the one and only good thing I got out of Natchaug, even if Natchaug itself was part of the “plan” to get me out here.

They didn’t have any good puzzles, but they did have some cute Barbie outfits. Got three outfits for $6. A pink dress, a purple skirt with a colorful top, and a blue top with floral shorts. This came with two pairs of shoes, too. A pink pair and a purple pair.

I got myself a few pairs of booties (pink, blue, and purple) which are good for roaming around the house.

It turned out that Staples wasn’t open yet, so Tom will have to go there some other time.

Later...

My luck was with me and Andy got tired on me so he didn’t keep me on the phone forever.

He says he’s gonna stick with part-time at Red Lobster and then supplement his income with dealing, but that he doesn’t want to deal full-time. He claims that at the end of the year, he’ll get his act together and get a full-time job with benefits and keep it. He says he’s never been this lazy before and that all he can do is think about sex. He can’t get it off his mind. He’s so horny all the time.

Laura’s moved back in and he said that even though they fight constantly, he appreciates the extra money. I’d rather struggle like hell than fight like they do.

He and Michelle went bar-hopping. They went to tit bars, which Michelle’s into, and gay bars. Andy said some of the customers at the tit joint were gorgeous and he wanted them sooo bad. He and Michelle are still having the same old shit luck. Michelle can’t get anyone she really wants and Andy hit on five guys only to be rejected by each and every one of them. Maybe God’s trying to tell Michelle something. Maybe she’s not meant to be with a woman. Maybe she’s meant to be with a guy later on in life. I doubt God’s trying to tell Andy he’s meant to be with a woman, though. I think he’s just not meant to be with anyone.

He’s pissed at Barbara Nicks for lying to him and for being rude. It started with her agreeing to meet with him when he brought over a cassette that she asked for. Then she blew him off and made excuses not to meet with him inside or outside the house. So he finally agreed he’d just drop the damn tape off and leave it in her truck. Meanwhile, she said she’d leave him an autographed tour book and a T-shirt. For whatever reason, only the tour book was there. So he put the tape in the truck and noticed the lights to the red jag were on, so he knocked on the back door. He said he was sort of hoping she wouldn’t answer since he reeked of pot. She didn’t answer, although he could hear that she was up and about. She was obviously ignoring the door, though.

When he got home, he called to let her know the lights to that car were on, which she said she knew nothing about. Then she rudely said she was too busy to take the time to listen to tapes. What a snob! After he took the time to make it for her? I mean, I know he has all the free time in the world, but still, that was a rude, ungrateful thing to say and she asked for this tape, she’s not a true friend, and if he had any self-respect, he wouldn’t bother with her. However, Andy has very little respect. He even said he’ll keep calling her, but less often. His definition of less often is still often enough by most people’s standards.

Yesterday, Tom showed me the pictures he took at the racetrack. Most of them came out great. He’s using a great picture of two horses for his wallpaper.

Tom went to bed shortly after I got up, and he asked me if I wanted him to tell me what he left me a message about, or should I just get the message? So I told him he could tell me, and he said he had good news and bad news. I knew the good news could be anything, but when he mentioned bad news, I was like - what’s your mom in the hospital for now? That wasn’t it, though. He said the good news was that he saw Patch downstairs. Yeah, and I saw Big Cocoa and Bandit down there, too, so I guess the aquariums will be used again, after all. The bad news is that Big Cocoa has the same tumor on her side that Spot did, so she won’t have much longer to live. Rodents are notorious for tumors. That makes two pigs and two mice I’ve had with tumors. From what I looked back on, I noticed Spot’s tumor on 11/17 and she was dead by 12/1, so big Cocoa can’t have even a month to go, poor thing.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1999

So much for Natchaug's great advice. This time around, the pain goes away, then comes back. I hope I don't have a UT infection. Well, for now, I'll just keep drinking cranberry juice.

Got through the holiday weekend without a hitch. All I saw was an ugly dark red car that came in for just a few minutes at 9 AM. There was a male driver and a fat passenger. The guy (if it was a guy) was huge and I don't think I've ever seen this person before. Then at 1:00, Bill took the bitch out, and that's all I saw/heard.

Tom cleaned my stereo yesterday. It was dusty.

Later...

I can't believe it didn't rain earlier. The sky was nothing but a mass of clouds, but then suddenly, it was bright and sunny.

We've got a different routine going on next door today. I don't know who it was I heard at 6:20 this morning. I assumed it was Bill. But Bill wasn't there at 8:00 when I looked out and saw two guys in that dark red car come get the kid. I think this "dark red" car is the same one that I call "cranberry" colored. There was a male driver and the cock in the passenger seat. When I looked out, the cock was just unloading the bundle of waste into the backseat, then he got in the front passenger seat, and off they went. What? Did the cock trade in driving that gray car to be hauled around in this thing?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 1999

I ended up having to see Dr. Brown yesterday, believe it or not. I knew this infection just wasn’t gonna go away on its own and that this time around, no amount of cranberry juice would cut it. So I called the office at 9:30 and was told there was a 10:45 available, which Tom took me to. I first prayed to God 2-3 times to take the pain and infection away, but as usual, I was ignored. I was shocked to be able to get in the same day I called.

When I first got there, I was led straight to the bathroom to pee in a cup, but I couldn’t. I was so frustrated! Then I was led to an exam room where the nurse gave me three cups of water. Shortly after, the doc came in and she asked me about my symptoms and if I’ve had a UT infection before. She gave me a prescription for Bactrim, an antibiotic I’ve had before. This time, though, I only need to take it twice daily for five days. Not seven to ten days. I already feel much better.

So we went to lunch at Denny’s which was nice. I had a T-bone with eggs, and he had a ham and cheese omelet. After this, I was finally ready to pee. I took my purse into the bathroom, pulled out the cup, and did my thing. After making sure the cap was screwed on very tightly, it was back to the Dr. to drop it off. Next Monday, on our way to Melanie’s, which is very close by, I have to drop off another urine sample so they can make sure the infection really did go away. I’m sure it already has for the most part. But they have to be sure, cuz every now and then you get an infection that’s stubborn and that just won’t die.

I wonder, though, what with how my schedule is now if I’m even gonna make it to my appointment next Monday.

After dropping the pee off, we went to Walgreens to have the prescription filled, which took barely ten minutes. While we were waiting, we browsed the store and I picked out a couple of puzzles. One of flowers, one of balloons. They had some Barbies dressed in gorgeous outfits!

Got a message from Andy telling me of all the cards and money he got from different people for his birthday. I also had to tape a message for him. He said he used the money on some clothes he needed. I was surprised. I thought he’d spend it on phone cards, food, or cigarettes (he gets his pot for free since he’s dealing it).

Yesterday and today I sent blank messages to chickenmax and both went through. Today, though, I remembered to unsend the message. My first guess is that it’s not them. My second guess is that it was them, but they didn’t feel like changing screen names a third time. Especially since all they got was a blank message and no “fuck you” messages.

We were originally gonna screw around yesterday, but thanks to this infection, we couldn’t. Like I said, something doesn’t want us getting together very often on weekdays. That’s OK, cuz I wasn’t horny. Also, just like a person who knows a gun is unloaded but still shouldn’t risk holding it to their head, a person who doesn’t want kids and is mid-cycle shouldn’t risk screwing, even if she knows her man won’t cum and a kid is not meant to be. That’s one way of looking at it. The other is that fate is fate no matter what we do. We can be cautious, but we can’t change our destinies.

Later...

Bill’s here now, but will the bitch be hauled away in the blue car? We’ll see.

In two weeks, I’ll be free to pick out a doll, but I don’t know where I’ll pick it from. Originally, I was gonna wait till we moved to check out the dolls in a toy store, but I think I’m gonna settle my curiosity, see what’s there, then decide whether or not to spend that $60 I have in the toy store or on the Home Shopping channel.

I’m going to try to burn a CD, which I doubt will work.

Later...

The CD didn’t work. I should’ve known better and not even bothered with the thing.

Same weird freeloader scenario with a slightly different twist to it. The dark red car with the Islamic-capped cock and his crony came and got the mistake. Behind the cock’s seat, was a huge cardboard box. Hmm… wonder what hot goods they got in there? Anyway, the different twist is that Bill’s still here.

The nurse weighed me at 116 pounds. Without clothes and shoes on, I’m sure I’d have been 114, but once again, my weight’s going up and I’m having days where I’m stuck. As long as I have days where I’m stuck, it’s gonna be awfully hard to keep myself under 110 without starving or taking water pills.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 1999

The mice love the box of colorful paper strips they got. I can hear one of them rustling around inside the box. They chewed an opening just big enough to let them inside.

Porky’s soooo funny! Just like with cats, rodents sometimes like to misbehave so they’ll get attention. They tend to do things they know they’re not supposed to do right in front of you so you’ll see it, and then they get attention. I was sitting at the table when I saw Porky on his way up to where he can get out and walk around on his roof, and I sternly called out his name. Instant change of directions! He went sideways onto a shelf.

The doll show has weird hours. Sometimes they’re on for two hours, sometimes for three. Tonight they’ll be on for one hour and on Friday they’ll be on for four.

I’ve developed a bit of a thing for Christine McVie, one of the Fleetwood Mac members. Why, I don’t know, since she’s a blond, but there’s just something about her. She looks hot on one of the CD covers I just got, so I scanned her picture to add to my wallpaper and screen saver collection.

Later...

The phone just rang and it was Tisha apologizing for calling so early. She needed to cancel my cleaning appointment on Monday, but she had a 1:45 today where I could take care of both the cleaning and the ortho. I told her I couldn’t make it today, so could I do both the following Monday, March 1st? No problem. Great! That really takes the pressure off me cuz holding my schedule back for four more days would’ve been hard.

Will our boys in the dark red car be coming in about 45 minutes to get the mistake? We’ll see.

I’m now reading Prescription: Murder about a well-known Texas surgeon who killed his first wife and tried to kill his second wife. Then I guess he disappears.

Later...

Our boys have shown up again, but they’ve changed cars. They’re in a hideously ugly dark green car. I think the bald cock was the driver this time around. He was with a guy about his size who was wearing a blue and red cap. This car amazingly didn’t have its front seat and windshield windows tinted. Just the backseat, like they have something to hide back there. I could see into the front of the car. There was a red pine tree with white on it dangling from the front mirror. One of those air freshener things. The seats were of tan vinyl. Or beige, light brown, crème, whatever you want to call it. Why is Bill staying here all day if the kid’s not gonna be here? Bill must really hate where he lives. Or maybe they’ve been bringing the kid back shortly after they’ve taken it and I just haven’t noticed.

Later...

Tom’s home now and he just went to bed.

Right after he got home, he whacked down the weeds that were growing out by the pool with the weed-whacker. It’s a good thing he had that thing, cuz to pull them by hand would take forever.

Tomorrow he’s taking his ma to two appointments to see if they can find out what the scoop is on her heart. He’s saying that she’ll be gone when we move. God, I hope so! But I just don’t sense this. Only time will tell, though.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1999

Miss Bitch left her mistake alone again for a few minutes this morning. Bill was apparently late. I noticed I didn’t hear him pull in while I was in the bedroom having my coffee. I heard a honk at 6:40 and saw the light blue car on the street and the bitch walking away from it. Then she came back and stood at the driver’s door talking, but I had to put my spying on hold to go live my life and start my shower. Shortly after, I heard a door that sounded like it was in the driveway, so I ran and peeked one more time and saw that the bitch had gone and that Bill was here. The bitch obviously just couldn’t wait till Bill got here, I guess, cuz she left about ten minutes before he got here.

Woke up at 109 and am stuck today. Since I’m gonna be going back to being stuck every other day, I must really watch my calorie intake, but I wonder if it’s cuz I’ve slacked off my exercising again? Better start that up again, even if most of the exercises don’t do me any good. The only way to have a flat belly is to do crunches for hours every day. Just 50 or so of those a day won’t cut it, cuz it’s so hard to isolate stomach muscles compared to arms and legs.

Paula called at 7:30 with her new number and address. So I have her phone number, her apartment address, and her PO Box address. She said I could just send mail to her apt. She claims she’s gonna stay where she is for a while and that she’s sick of moving around. She’s in a 3-family house. She’s got a 4-room apartment on the middle floor.

She said she beat up her little sister when she was in Florida, has the hots for several different guys, and that it’s freezing there and they’re expecting snow.

Later...

I didn’t hear the freeloader come to get the animal at the usual time of just after 8:00. I could’ve been listening to music or in the shower, so I can’t say for sure whether or not they came.

For the last week or so, my hair has been much softer than usual. Why this suddenly happened, beats me. Perhaps it’s cuz I’ve been laying off straightening it. It still looks sort of fried and very uneven, but it feels so much better.

Later...

It’s coming up on 2:00 yet he’s not home yet. Damn that mother of his! I know he doesn’t have to work tonight, but still, he’s had to have been up for about 16 hours. He doesn’t need this. Now I wonder if we’ll be able to do what we had planned today, thanks to his fucking mother.

I told him that I had mixed emotions about her. It’s like I love her and I hate her. She was a wonderful mother to Tom and she’s given to us, but she’s also a user who runs my husband ragged and who sucks up a lot of our time. Tom said it’s OK to have mixed emotions.

We were gonna pour some shit down the tub drain to unclog it, then Tom was gonna put a regular handle back on the toilet. I’ve had it with this toilet shit. I told him about the leak, after all, and how I was sick of having to hold the fucking button in for 20 seconds so it’d flush all the way. He said I should’ve spoken up sooner, cuz he’s been sick of the push-button for quite a while. I just didn’t want to give God, or whoever, the reaction it wanted. I hate to give in to my hexes by either getting emotional or letting them cause me to take action over it. I’d tell him to just get a whole new toilet, but that’d just get hexed, too.

Tom told me he’d support me with whatever I chose to do, so I told him I was gonna take his word for it, and here’s the scoop: I remain sure that I want to try doll making and not have a child. However, should I ever find myself wanting a kid again, I’m gonna just get it done by a doctor. No going through another handful of years trying to do it ourselves. If we could do it ourselves, we’d have done it already, and I’m big enough to say so and not deny that. If the doctor wants to do any more testing fine, but my point is that if I ever want one, unless it’s medically impossible, I’m just gonna tell her about our sex lives and why we can’t conceive on our own, therefore just take a damn egg, fertilize it with his sperm, and shove it up in me. Although painful, it’d be a done deal that way without having to go through more years of trying to make time and trying to hit it right and trying to get off and trying this and trying that and driving ourselves crazy with frustration and taking the fun out of it, provided it’s medically possible and that God doesn’t kill it along the way. I told Tom I hope he’ll keep his word but I highly doubt I’ll return to having a child. However, if he’s got a problem with the possibility of my doing this in the future, however slim, I need to know. After being together as long as we have, I think it’s the only way. Same thing happened to Linda. All the screwing in the world, for way more years than we’ve screwed, didn’t impregnate her. Only in vitro did. Initially, they told her she had one clogged tube that they unblocked, but that other than that, everything was normal with her. I guess some people just aren’t meant to do things the typical way. Just like with how I learn differently (as Tom and I were discussing, I learn better on my own, not in groups). So then it’d only make sense and it wouldn’t surprise me if I’d have to conceive differently, cuz of how many things I do differently as it is. Like I said, I can’t “see” this happening, but if I should one day tell him I want in vitro, he won’t be taken by surprise.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 1999

I have so much to write about! I hope I remember to say all I want to say, but let’s start with the freeloaders. To my surprise, they were quiet all weekend. And I was wide awake all day. There’s bound to be compensation for this sooner or later, but the only vehicle I saw over there was Bill’s. He wasn’t here for long when I heard his car start up with its typical scratchy, wheezy screech, and drive away.

At 10 PM on Friday, I saw a male blackie of about 6’ and the mistake being dropped off in the street. It was too dark for me to see the car, but who was this dude? The teenager? The cock? Someone else? Do they live there? I wouldn’t be surprised if it still isn’t just the bitch and mistake living there. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the lease only allowed just the bitch and mistake to live there, either.

Sunday, a carpet cleaning truck was parked on the street in front of their place. I was surprised to see them there on a Sunday, but Tom says that’s common. Wish the city would cater to our carpets for free! Today, there was a large white pickup that said: City of Phoenix - Housing. Tom said that that fits with the carpet cleaning truck. He says whenever they have that the city shows up shortly after. I haven’t noticed the connection, but it makes sense.

If the kid was picked up this morning, but of course Bill’s here, I didn’t hear it. I still would like to know why Bill’s here all day if the kid isn’t. He must really hate where he lives, and he must be one desperate, lonely sucker! I feel sorry for the man, though, and hold no animosity towards the guy. He never wronged me in any way like his sick daughter. Or his granddaughter. Tom wonders, since Bill’s so old, if that isn’t her grandfather, rather than her father, but I don’t know. I think it’s her father. But it’s also hard to judge this cuz it’s hard to judge that bitch’s age. I just can’t tell how old she is. Tom thinks the early 20s, but to me, she looks mid-30s.

I haven’t heard a thing in the way of music from the renters. That white car hasn’t returned and that was the only car that seemed to have that kind of a stereo. Now there’s some maroon-colored car to go with the red one.

There were a couple of kids playing ball in the renter’s driveway on Saturday. It wasn’t nearly as obnoxious as the freeloaders, cuz it was across the street and not just a few feet from our walls, and it was a plastic ball. Not a heavy basketball.

The only other annoyance was this car somewhere around here. It was even more annoying than the ball bouncing across the street, cuz the fan didn’t drown it out too well. Some asshole around here with a loud engine that might’ve been a motorcycle engine, would sit there and rev up his engine, then let it die down, then he’d gun his engine again, and he’d do this on and off for 15 minutes. Was he that hard up for attention and acknowledgment? Or was he just simply fucked?

Katie and Ashley still show no apparent signs of being pregnant, so if they don’t have babies by March 4th, which would be the maximum time since I got them that they carry babies, then they’re either females who never got pregnant, or they’re males. I doubt they’re males, but for a minute yesterday, it did look like Katie was trying to screw Star. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens. If these were males, it’d still be OK, cuz I’d just bring them back to the store along with the male babies that Star, Bandit, Shy, Patch, and the two Cocoas may have. Like I said, I doubt it, though cuz I’d think that if they were males, we’d have both seen more obvious signs of that by now! They’d be jumping those ladies left and right!

Later...

I just went out back and took a closer look at the pool water around the edges of the pool cover, and yuck! It was very green. That’s Tom for you. He’s great with the bare necessities but lousy at keeping up with the pool and yard work. So I wound the cover on its reel hoping that cooling things down a bit would help. Also, it looks better, even if it’s green. Green water looks better than a pool cover.

I put a bowl of water out for Shiny since the pool was so gross. The reason I stopped putting water bowls out for him was cuz he’d ignore them and get drinks out of the pool. Also, the water bowl would get algae and all kinds of gross shit in it that was nearly impossible to clean out. So I’ll save our margarine containers, and that way, he can regularly have something new to drink out of.

I called Tammy’s to tell her to look for some wild mail from us, which I’ll get into later, but Becky was there alone with a bad stomach. You can leave an 11-year-old alone? I don’t know enough about kids to know this. I mean, I know you can’t leave a 4-year-old alone, but I don’t know about an 11-year-old.

We haven’t had any need to deal with the leak from the toilet tank yet, but Tom got rid of that fucked up push-button and put a regular handle back on the toilet. Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to just quickly flush a toilet again! I’m gonna savor every moment of this, cuz I know it’s just a matter of time before there’s another major toilet nuisance. I mean, first it flushed so sluggishly that most of the time toilet paper and shit wouldn’t get flushed. Then it would leak from within the inside due to a leak in the flap. Then the handle would get hung up and the water would keep running and running. Then we had to deal with the push button that you had to push and hold in so hard for 20 seconds that you felt like your fingers were gonna break. Am I forgetting anything else? Anyway, I’m sure the leak at the bottom of the tank will be our next major problem. If not, God will find something else. For now, though, it’s great if I wake up in the middle of my sleep, cuz all I have to do is just tap the handle. No more having to stand there and wait for the fucking thing to flush while I’m dog-tired midway through my sleep.

I just began a book called Ghost Fire and it looks like I’m gonna like it.

Looks like Caddie Kid’s been replaced. There’s this light gray car, an old piece of shit, that’s been banging by the last few days. Although it really isn’t as bad as caddie kid. No one can be that bad, I don’t think. Yeah, I knew the peace from the stereos wouldn’t last. It goes in cycles around here.

Tom was my piss courier this morning and drove a sample of my piss to the doctor’s office just like they asked me to do when I finished my antibiotics. I finished them yesterday and I hope I sleep better now that I’m off of them. Last night and two nights ago, I only got 4-5 hours of sleep. Yet I felt amazingly good for such a lack of sleep. Not smoking helps. And not having to do it every day for four months helps, too.

The current plan is to go to a toy store to check out their dolls on Friday. Did I tell you about last Thursday and Friday night’s doll shows? Shit! They’re getting worse. They’re getting more expensive and more repetitious. Usually, they show a quick shot of the dolls they’re gonna show, then they spend 5-10 minutes going over the doll in detail, then they recap them at the end and show you a quick clip of the dolls. So, that’s three times the dolls get shown. The last time, though, they kept showing the same fucking dolls over and over again. All through that long 4-hour doll show, they didn’t show more than 25 dolls. The same old, same old. They’d go over the same doll five different times for ten minutes. It was a complete waste of time and with all the dolls they showed that I’ve seen several times before, no Glenora. They had a 42” doll for $450 and another 36” one for $200. The 42” sucked and the 36” one was so-so.

Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get to the doll store on Friday or my appointment with Mel and Char on Monday, cuz I’m in the same boat I was in before today’s appointments got canceled. My schedule’s too far ahead to push it back further enabling me to be up at 10:00 a week from now (I got up at 7:30 AM today), and it’s too far behind to push it forward so I’m getting up around midnight. I may not make it to either place, but I’m certainly gonna focus on getting my teeth taken care of. Not getting a doll. If the doll has to wait in order to make my appointment, it has to wait. Or maybe I can get the doll after I see Mel and Char. We’ll see.

Paula left me a message early Sunday morning. I try to avoid her on weekends. Not just cuz I don’t usually do phone chats on the weekend, but cuz I usually try to avoid her when the kid’s there. I wait till he’s in school, cuz it’s so annoying to have her be constantly yelling at the kid while we talk. I’ll call her and we’ll be talking, then she’ll put me on hold for a couple of minutes to go scream at it. That’s what you get for having kids, Paula! No peace. No freedom. No life. Meanwhile, we don’t need to pay for her to scream at the kid. Long-distance calls cost money. Even when it’s her calling and paying, it still really irritates me. When you’re talking on the phone, you should be talking to that person. Not who’s in the room with you.

Another reason to add to my list of reasons not to get in vitro, or whatever it’s called, is cuz of the weight I’ve lost. I worked too long and hard on that to throw it away. I’m confused now, though, as to exactly what in vitro is. I thought Linda said it was basically artificial insemination where they inject sperm into her, but Tom says it’s where they insert a fertilized egg in there. What Tom said would make sense, cuz if all Linda needed was sperm injected into her, couldn’t her husband do that at home? She never mentioned him having a problem. Well, even though Tom thinks I’ll return to a fertility doctor someday, I can’t see it. I love life too much to throw it away. I mean, my life’s not perfect. I still have problems just like anyone else, but you know what I mean. I need all the stability, peace, and freedom I can get. I couldn’t handle anything drastically different than what I’ve got now. I also value my time with my husband. I need to be with him. I don’t care to share him with his mother, his sister, a kid, or anyone else.

True to my vision, I woke up yesterday at 107 pounds! What was the catch for that? I was stuck yesterday. Therefore, I woke up at 109 today. Since I’m obviously gonna be stuck 2-3 times a week, losing more weight is gonna be a toughie! If only I could be 95-100 pounds, cuz it’s a hell of a lot easier to maintain your weight than it is to lose it. Also, I could afford to slack off my diet a couple of days a week, too. Will I ever get down to 100? I don’t know. I mean, it sure as hell didn’t seem likely at 125 pounds compared to now, but only time will tell. I don’t see it right now, so that means that it’s at least not in the near future if it’s gonna happen at all. Maybe in June or July, I’ll be 100 pounds.

It still seems, though, that no matter how much weight I lose, it still looks like I have a double chin when I have my head tilted downward. And I’m still fat in the lower cheeks where my jaws are. Jowls, I think they call it. I know a part of it is that it’s sagging with age, although my tits and ass miraculously haven’t started sagging yet, but still, I hate it! First I had to contend with a fat gut and fat thighs with craters on the backs of them, and now I’ve got a fat face and neck to add to the picture with craters everywhere! My hips aren’t exactly as narrow as they used to be either, and I’m still thick-waisted.

We didn’t screw this weekend. Now I don’t know if Tom didn’t screw me cuz he truly chickened out for fear of me being all irritated down there, or if he did it to punish me for needing a break from sex. But it’s not a punishment to me. I don’t want sex with him. I still don’t think sex and relationships are a good mix, and I just don’t desire him sexually. I love him to death, I want to spend all the time in the world with him, I want to cuddle with him, chat with him, and do things with him, but I just don’t feel right about screwing with him. It’s almost like we’re too close for that. I know it sounds funny since it’s usually those who aren’t getting along that don’t want to screw, but you know me. If it’s different sexually, it’s me. Or the one I’m having sex with. Well, I guess I should just be thankful that the relationship part of it is as good as it is and that I don’t want to have sex with others other than in my mind, and that he loves, understands, and accepts me as I am. He’s so patient and supportive. I swear no other man in the world would be like this in bed and take this attitude towards the lack of sex and the lack of desire on my part. I never heard of a guy like him! So, what used to frustrate, depress, and even anger me, is now something I consider myself to be very blessed by.

He made the comment that he was trying to think of ways to “ease us back into sex” after not having it so long when we were cuddled in bed, and then I told him if he was gonna chicken out and not be able to get into it, that was OK too. Then he pointed out his dick, which was rock hard the whole time, and said, “This doesn’t get hard unless it’s excited?”

Then I couldn’t resist responding with, “And it doesn’t squirt when it’s scared.” I couldn't resist that crack, true or not!

Anyway, Tom suggested we ease back into it (for the millionth time) by him just going in on the side during the week when he’s tired. That’s fine, and my saying he can cum or not cum still stands, but I can’t take this on-and-off sex shit with him! We have to screw once a week, regardless of my lack of desire. Period. I can’t keep dealing with the irritation I get when we “ease back into it.” From here on out - we either do it consistently or we don’t do it at all. That’s the only way it can be for me cuz of the irritation, or else I’d love to take breaks from sex due to my lack of desire. I’m even losing the desire for the vibrators. It used to be that I’d cum a few times a day in no time at all, but not anymore. Lately, it’s half as often, and seems to take me forever to cum. Sometimes I just can’t cum. I think that’s the main problem; is that it’s gotten to be so hard for me to cum. It just doesn’t happen as easily as it used to. It takes so long. I think that may also be why I don’t want to try to do myself with him on the side. Because by the time I came, if I came, he’d be dog tired. That’d be just fine with him, and even though I know he’d be fine never having sex with me again and that he could take care of himself forever, even though he’d say differently, I still would feel guilty and like I was depriving him. My attitude towards the next time we screw is to do it out of a sense of duty, so to speak. Not cuz I’ve just got to get laid.

Fucking kids! Why did I ever want one of those loud, obnoxious, destructive little monsters in my house? I’m sick of these kids parading around in our yard after they get off the school bus. We’re on the corner, so that makes it easier to do, but what is it with kids playing on other people’s property? There were about five of them and they were picking up some old roofing bits and one boy was chasing another up the driveway with it and I don’t need them throwing shit at the house. So as soon as I opened the door and said, “Please don’t come in our yard,” they all scurried off, but one. One was looking for something in between our driveway and W. Weldon within a patch of weeds, acting as if he couldn’t hear or see me. And this isn’t the only busload I have to deal with. They drop off kids at 2:05, 3:05, and 3:35. What I don’t get, though, is why the kids on all these buses look the same age. I thought the younger ones got out of school earlier. Most of the time they scurry right away, but sometimes I just never know what they’re gonna do. Of course, asking them not to come into our yard may’ve been a dumb mistake.

Later...

I figured out something about the freeloaders. I don’t know what took me so long to put two and two together, but the cock lives next door. I was wondering why he’d give up his gray car and why I wouldn’t see the cranberry car on weekends. I think he ditched his gray car to hide the fact that he’s living here and that the dude in the cranberry car comes to take him to and from work (I saw him get dropped off at about 4:00). Meanwhile, the cranberry car doesn’t come around on weekends cuz he’s here, and cuz that car only needs to come around to take him to work. If the cock was roommates with the dude driving the cranberry car as I had thought, then he’d be bringing the cock here on weekends, which I haven’t seen him doing. That must explain his getting dropped off last Friday and another time I saw him get dropped off in the afternoon. I knew some male blackie that was around 6’ lived there. It may not be the cock, though. These things all look the same and isn’t the cock bald? Well, this thing I saw today had a little wool fuzz on its head. Maybe it is the cock and it’s growing its hair out. It wore glasses. It looked too old to be a teenager. Well, if he lives here - fine. I won’t contact the city. But that’s only as long as he has no car. He’s not to live here with a car and therefore a stereo to torment me with. It’s not the fraud I care about. That bitch can have ten people over there who aren’t supposed to be there. It’s the constant music and door slamming I refuse to ever put up with again. If he had played his music at a reasonable volume in the first place, not come out several times a day to deliberately slam doors on me, and not put a barking dog just outside our walls as another way to piss me off, then he and that dog could’ve been here all along and there’d never have been any problems.

Speaking of barking, I heard not one bark all day in the living room from anywhere across the street. Except for the squealing kiddies, it was a peaceful day.

I tried Tammy’s again, but Lisa answered saying Tammy was at some business meeting with Mark. Lisa and I had a good talk and it was nice to touch base with her.

She said she did a solo in January.

I got a kick out of how she said the kids were all laughing at her when she got on the bus with frozen hair. She had just come out of the shower and her wet hair froze in the bitter cold. I remember that shit! Yuck!

She has to smoke outside and says she’s got to quit smoking cuz of the cold, but I know she won’t quit till she’s around my age. Maybe even older.

She claims she hasn’t talked to Larry since November and that he’s probably pissed at her for not calling, but I think she’s been calling regularly, even though she always makes it sound like she’s done with him. It’s her life. If she wants to associate with people like that, that’s her choice.

She’s a typical teenager, but more so, it’s amazing how much she’s just like I was when I was her age. The cigarettes, the pot, the cutting, the eating disorder. I was anorexic, but in her case, she’s bulimic. She says she’s not puking up her food, but nowadays, I’ve learned that sadly enough, I can’t always trust what she tells me. I myself tried what she’s done, but puking’s just so gross that I could never get myself to do it. She said she felt that way at first, but with her sick fuck of a father on her case, she’s been really desperate to lose weight. Yeah, I know how it is. Dureen picked on me about my weight too, and I ended up how I did cuz of it.

See, this is why I have to make a clean break when we move from everyone I was ever related to in the state of Florida, Massachusetts and Connecticut. When I hear her tell me how Bill taunts her about her weight and all the other stuff I hear from her and Tammy, it burns me up inside! It’s frustrating when you want to kill someone that’s on the other side of the country! It not only sends me boiling with anger, but it brings back a whole flood of shitty memories from my past and I can only fully move on by letting go of these people and associating with only positive, happy forces out here if I can help it. If that’s being as emotionally weak and as non-accepting as Dureen, then so be it, but that’s my problem. A person’s gotta do what a person’s gotta do.

Now I’ll get into Tammy’s mail. I’m also sending Paula and Andy my latest computer work, too! They’re gonna love it. It’s totally different than anything I’ve ever sent them. Tom showed me how to superimpose pictures to make them look really out of this world. It’s easy, but it’s hard. The steps are simple enough, but it is a bit time-consuming.

I made it look like Shiny was standing on top of me while I was floating in the pool in one picture. How I did it was I traced Shiny from a picture of him getting a drink indoors, then copied and pasted him into the picture of me floating. Then I sized and positioned him to where I felt it looked best. I also took a picture of Tammy’s kids sitting on their couch and put an enlarged picture of Ratsy sitting on Sarah’s lap. As Tom said, she had the perfect expression for that too, cuz it was like, “Great! He gets to sit on my lap!”

I took one of Andy singing on stage where he had his arm sort of out by his face. It was about a foot away from his face. I made it look like he was holding a very large mouse by the tail. In another one, I made it look like a mouse was crawling up his arm.

I cut out my legs in a picture of me doing the perfect handstand in the pool and put them behind Tammy on her kitchen counter. I put Tom lying in her snow-filled yard.

It’s so much fun and I did so many wild things. I put my hair on Lisa and made it even longer. I blew up a different shot of Ratsy and put it on the table with Becky and Sarah. I put Tom’s face where Sarah’s face was in a picture of the three of them. I put my face in their dog’s and in Lisa’s hands.

Later...

I may be adamantly against a child, but I’m still a curious person. So I looked up meningitis on the web and couldn’t find anything linking that and infertility. Tom says this wouldn’t surprise him cuz this happened before his testicles were even fully formed. My gut feeling also says he’s fine. It’s either a 50/50 case that there’s nothing wrong with either of us or that there’s something wrong with me that no one discovered. Well, we’ll never know which was the case. Having the HSG done, however excruciating it was, helped dull 90% of my curiosity, so that’s good.

I discovered another song on Linda’s latest album called When We Ran that I like, but only the chorus. Its verses are boring and too long. The song’s called When We Ran, even though the album’s called We Ran.

Is AOL going back to their old shit? After five attempts to get online, I said fuck it.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1999

I certainly don’t have as much to say today as I did yesterday.

My period’s starting. I’m a week early, but I knew I would be. As soon as I realized just how sore my tits were so soon after my last period, I knew I’d get it early.

Andy’s being a pest. This is the third time in two days that he’s called. I’m gonna just ignore him for a while. Besides, I want to do other things. I want to read. I don’t want to play phone. Then again, that may not have been him who called me just now unless he hasn’t left his message yet. I thought it had been more than three minutes from when the phone rang to when I checked, but I don’t know. Lately, I get messageless calls from a private source about once a day. Maybe it’s him calling just so he can annoy me with having to hear the phone ring and go check it out, but maybe it’s not.

In a message Andy did leave earlier, he said he loved the superimposed pictures. Also, someone he knows is letting him use a piano. It’s not an upright, so how’s he gonna fit it in his house? His house is smaller than Tom’s parents’ house was.

I called Tammy and she said she got the superimposed pictures today. All she said was “Yeah” when I said, “Aren’t they cool?” She never says much about things like that. She did say something else that was typical of her. She was sick. She had pneumonia. Yeah, I should’ve known she’d have something.

Later...

Here come the evening sales calls. Lately, they’ve been mostly confined to the evenings. It used to be that there’d be just as many in the mornings and afternoons, but lately the morning and afternoon calls have lessened.

I wish it were tomorrow at around 2 PM! That’s when we’re gonna go to the toy store and man is it gonna be a screaming mass of kids! Well, at least if I find anything I like, I won’t have to wait for it to be delivered and worry that it’ll be misdelivered. I still can’t imagine this store having any dolls I’d want other than a black Barbie doll, Barbie clothes, and puzzles. However, if I don’t find any dolls I want, I’ve got to be careful not to spend more than $10 of my $60 so I can then go ahead and order Giselle if she’s still available. If she’s not, then I’ll just have to start all over again. There’s gonna be a doll show tomorrow that I’ll tape, but I’m sure it’ll have the same old stuff and no Glenora. Maybe I’ll take some change I’ve got saved up, just in case I want to get $20 worth of puzzles and whatever else. Tom says I’ll like their stickers and markers. But I don’t need markers right now and I don’t do stickers anymore. The stickers were for decorating my journals before I started journaling on the computer only.

Starting Thursday, Tom says he’s gonna get the bulk stuff out through to Saturday or Sunday. He said he doesn’t want to start putting anything out on a weekend, cuz others will run and throw stuff out too and he won’t have any more room left. He said he’s noticed that if he puts a branch out there, they all come and load up the allotted space in the alley for bulk stuff when it’s time for that. It’s as if they remind him to do this too. No one can put stuff out till he does. Anyway, this time around, he’ll be hauling out shit from the garage.

Later...

He says that next month when he goes to put the vent in the bathroom, he’ll go ahead and put in a doggie door in the back door since they’re easy to put in. That ought to be an asset to selling this house since 8 out of 10 houses have dogs, but then again, maybe not cuz 8 out of 10 people have dogs in their yards, not in their houses. They don’t allow them in their houses. I take it they come in different sizes and that we’ll be getting one that a large dog couldn’t fit through, so if the next people did plan to use it, they’d be out of luck if they have a German shepherd. There is a doggie door in the back room alcove that David put in, but it’s been sealed up.

I heard from the renters an hour ago, but only for a few minutes, and it was nothing. All I heard was a faint beat of a drum. No bass or anything obnoxiously loud. It was coming from a car with its hood open. This is the third car I’ve seen with its hood open. Guess they work inside hoods a lot.

I cannot figure out these freeloaders for the life of me. I saw the dark red car again and from what I saw, the cock left in the passenger seat, but they didn’t pick up or drop off the mistake. It appeared that they drove up, he ran into the house, ran back out, then they left. Tom doesn’t think the cock lives there. I don’t know. I don’t know who the fuck lives there anymore. I’m only sure of the bitch and the mistake that’s now about three years old. It looks like there’s an even younger kid over there now, but if it lives there, I don’t know. It’s not hers, cuz if she’d had any kids since she’s lived here, we’d have noticed. Maybe it’s a sister who’s doing jail time. Maybe that’s why the two white cars haven’t been showing up lately. Cuz the ladies who drive them are in trouble doing time? And maybe she’s watching this kid till its mother’s free. Bill brought the bitch back today and I saw the bitch get out of the car with a kid about one year old. Then Bill left shortly after. Unless Bill took it with him or someone came and got it, it’s still in that house. Who is it? What’s it doing there? Just how many people live there? Well, as long as they don’t force any bass or barks on me and invade my house with their shit, they can do as they please.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1999

Bitch and Bill left at 4:30. Guess he’s taking her grocery shopping today.

I’m keeping a log of my weight in my “whatever” file, so if I don’t mention my weight as much here, that’s why.

Later...

Bill just brought back the bitch and the dude that I think lives here, whether it’s the cock or not. It wore a red cap and it got metal-rimmed glasses just like the bitch. Bill parked with the trunk facing the house, so I guess I was right about them getting groceries. They probably went grocery shopping, then picked him up, or picked him up first, then shopped.

I would write about the three Barbie dolls I got today and how I ordered Giselle, but I’m too tired to do it now. I slept for barely five hours.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 1999

The dark red car showed up at around 4:00. The cock and kid got out of the car, then the cock got back in and they left.

Finally - a light, low-calorie popcorn that actually tastes good. It’s not the greatest, but it’s good enough. At 100 calories per bag, I can have 2-3 of these a day. Tom got it in a new grocery store that just went up nearby.

I had a shiny, floral tank dress that I couldn’t wear cuz it was so itchy, so I softened it up by washing it and putting in tons of fabric softener. Now it’s wearable.

I got a total kick out of listening to Paula tell me how it’s 20º there and how she had to shovel her walkway, while it’s in the 80s here and I was sweating my ass off. The living room gets quite warm in the afternoons lately, but as Tom reminded me, I can just flip the switch and cool it down if I need to. Oh yeah, that’s right. I keep forgetting it’s that easy now.

For the first time in my life, I’m shocked to say that I’m actually proud of Paula. She signed up for training to be a nurse’s aide. Now that’s a big step for her! I don’t feel that it’ll work out, and I can’t picture her holding a decent job steadily, but at least she’s trying.

I’m very glad that she looks up to me and considers me such a good friend whom she likes to confide in, I know she’s very bored and lonely, but I wish she’d call a little less often. She’s almost as bad as Andy and she’s worse with the eating. Every single time we talk she’s munching on something. And she complains about her weight? She also yells at the kid every time we talk too, and it gets old. Nonetheless, I do miss her.

She mainly called to tell me the usual - man troubles. I get a kick out of how she told me when she moved into her new place last week that she was gonna stay there for a while, yet she’s already talking about moving again. But why? She said it’s very quiet where she is. There’s a woman (who dances topless), her boyfriend, her 16-year-old daughter above her, and an old couple downstairs who are hardly ever home.

I saw a girl at the renter’s watering the yard. God, they are home a lot! And there are so many people over there. In fact, I just peeked out and could see at least four people. Most of them went inside, but there was someone out on the front patio. They’re typical Arizonans - hanging out in front, but not the back. I can’t believe I don’t hear their dog, though. Neither of us has seen it, so I wonder if it’s even been there. Are they gonna work on their cars tonight?

I changed the pig and mice cages today. Tomorrow, I’ll tackle the rats. Katie has a slight belly bulge, but it could very well be because someone’s been feeding her real well. I’m starting to wonder if there’ll be any babies. If not, I’ll just try again to get pregnant females. If I can’t, I can always get a male just to do the job.

OK, now I’ll get into the toy store. I was amazed at how dead it was. True to what I felt, there weren’t any dolls I wanted, other than the Barbies I got. I got another blond Barbie who’s a little different than the other blond Barbie. This one has an open smile so you can see white representing the teeth. She also has no bangs and her hair is only to her waist and is curly. I got this one cuz of its dress. It’s a beautiful bold pink satin gown with an outer layer of pink chiffon with gold accents. I think she was meant to be one of those collector’s ones that you don’t take out of the box. This is because of how she was packed in and how beautifully decorated the box was. Her legs also don’t bend like most Barbies and her pretty pink slippers are pretty much molded to her feet like Patrice’s ballet slippers and Summer Dream’s heels. She came with a gold crown with pink gemstones and a gold necklace. She has gold shiny earrings and a matching ring. She’s called Princess Barbie. The Barbies that aren’t blond have different names, but Barbie is the original blond Barbie’s name. I couldn’t believe the prices of some of them. I expected to find Barbies no cheaper than $12, but Princess Barbie was $11, Christie was $5, and I’m not sure about the other one. Christie’s a black Barbie with black curly hair to the waist with no bangs. She came in a 1-piece aqua bathing suit with pink splotches outlined in purple. It’s got glitter on it, too. There were ruffles at the hips that I thought looked tacky so I trimmed them off. She has aqua sunglasses on her head and three aqua bracelets. I took one off and put it on her ankle. The other one, Teresa, is white and she has brown crimped hair to the butt. She has no bangs either, but her hair’s parted on the side. Exactly what I wanted. I had originally planned to get one more black one and I was gonna crimp her hair. Teresa came in a knit aqua bikini with a short, denim wrap-around skirt. The top of the bikini has orange stripes going across it and the bottoms are all aqua. She has an open white smile like Princess Barbie, whereas the first Barbie I got, along with Christie, has closed-lipped smiles. Teresa came with a tattoo on one of her outer thighs and two small sheets of tattoos that I’d had before. I have a little patch of butterflies and flowers on my hand right now, but I’ll save the others for some other time. She had one of those necklaces that I used to make out of embroidery floss. She also had two on her wrist, but I put one of them on her ankle. Teresa’s and Princess Barbie’s arms move outward, as well as front to back.

I’m definitely done collecting Barbies. They’re too little and I have enough of a variety now, although I wouldn’t mind taking the zillions of different awesome outfits they have. Barbie’s really come a long way. They even had a handicapped Barbie in a wheelchair! They had a Hispanic Barbie and a redhead one too, but I didn’t care for their outfits. I’ll have a Hispanic porcelain doll and someday I’ll have a redheaded one too. I have the four Barbies displayed nicely in the little living room window that’s a square foot wide. Even though its glass is translucent, the sun at this time of year can be blinding at certain times of the day, so I put the up duct cover in it, then stood Princess Barbie in the middle, Barbie standing on one side, Teresa on another, and Christie’s sitting down with her legs dangling off the sill.

I was amazed to find some porcelain dolls there and some of the more expensive collector’s Barbies there. Why would they sell breakable dolls in a toy store and Barbies that cost $150 that you don’t give kids to play with?

Tom said the porcelain dolls, which were about 17”, were the same ugly ones they had in the grocery store that started selling for $20 and dropped down to $12. Most of them were pretty boring except for one of them. One had nice long hair and a nice pink dress. A 17” porcelain doll for as low as $12-$20? Wow!!

Their puzzles were boring.

When we got home, Tom called and ordered Giselle for me. They say she’ll arrive on 3/6, but I know that really means she’s to be here on 3/11.

I watched the doll show last night, figuring I’d see a doll that’d take my breath away now that I ordered Giselle, but I didn’t. They had a couple of OK dolls, but the others were either boring or ugly.

I have a couple of goals and that’s to get a 30”-36” doll someday, and another realistic-looking one like Bailey. Well, I’d like a few of each, but I highly doubt that’s possible, even with the material nature of it. Hopefully, I can someday make something like this myself.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get my period like I thought I was going to and get relief for these sore tits. It was just one of those spots I often have a few days to a week before my period. Only this was a little more than just a little spot. That’s why I thought it was starting.

This is the second week in a row that Tom said we’d get together during the week, but that never happened. There was time a couple of nights before work, but he didn’t bring it up, so I sure as hell wasn’t about to.

I sent some superimposed pictures to Kim and Bob.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1999

Tom, who got up a little while ago, thinks Ashley and Katie are pregnant. I hope so. It does look like they’re getting tummies and they’re wheeling an awful lot.

Later...

I’m taping a doll show right now. Even though I won’t be getting another doll for a while, it won’t hurt to keep up with what’s out there and write down code numbers. That way, when it’s time to get another doll again, I’ll at least have some numbers.

It’s going to be in the low 80s these next few days. Already, we’re going from winter right into summer. And yet Paula’s under a few inches of snow and is freezing at 20º or less!

Speaking of Paula, I never thought that she of all people would become such a pest! She’s been calling so much, even from 3000 miles away. She left the message early today and when Tom told me about it when I got up just after 1:00 this afternoon, I was like - again? I’m not calling her back for a few days since we just talked for quite a while. Especially while I know that kid’s gonna be there. I’ll call next week when he’s at school (with my luck he’d be homesick or snowed in). Then I unexpectedly fell back asleep till 8:00 (I’m gonna make it to Mel’s after all) and called her at 11:00 her time. I figured she might still be up and that the kid would be asleep, but she wasn’t. I woke her up. She asked if she could call me in the morning. I told her she may have a hard time reaching me during weekends and that I had an appointment on Monday, but that I’d try her on Tuesday if I didn’t talk to her before then.

Later...

They had a 40” doll for just $300, but she was ugly. All the dolls were boring or ugly and I’ve seen some of them before.

A part of me wishes this cat wouldn’t be around come moving day. He fucking drives me nuts with his whining! I went out to throw a few heavy pieces on the line till tomorrow afternoon and the fucking thing whined at the door till I was done. He can’t just wait at the door quietly? So, knowing Tom was asleep under the fan, I screamed at him in frustration which set the dogs off. I’m sure the freeloaders, whose lights were on, heard me too. It’s like a magic button - scream and the dogs automatically go off. It’s like scream-a-bark versus dial-a-ride. Anytime I want to hear them, although I’d have to be a little nutso to want to, all I have to do is scream. Or at least yell.

Sounds like some stupid black guy was given the wrong number at a bar by some female who just couldn’t say no. About 20 minutes ago I noticed a payphone calling and figured it was Mary who broke down somewhere. Of course, I wasn’t about to wake my husband who had to get up for work at 6:00 AM to go rescue her. She was on her own as far as I was concerned. However, no one spoke during the few seconds of their message, so I knew that ruled out Mary. Then I wondered if Andy was visiting some phoneless friend and went to a nearby payphone figuring he was close enough to my house to call about a visit, but nope. Some idiot whose name showed up as Elizabeth J called from their house a few minutes later, or someone else’s house, and muttered something inaudible when I answered. I hung up after letting him know he had the wrong number and then he called a third time. This time I let the machine deal with it. There are other things I want to do than the phone. I’m doing laundry now and I want to finish the book I got. So far, I’m having excellent book luck this time around. It seems like there may be only one book I don’t like within this batch.

Yesterday, I remembered I had Giselle on tape from an earlier doll show so I showed her to Tom. They describe her as having auburn hair. That’d be different, but it looks brunette on the TV. Tom said her dress didn’t look like something a ballerina would wear. I don’t know about that, but it’s a gorgeous dress, nonetheless.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1999

God, I am so sick of babies, babies, babies! There’s a woman having a kid in my book and in the movie I taped, not that the book and movie weren’t good, nonetheless. I also still have no desire whatsoever to throw my life away on a kid, but still, I’m sick of it. Also, the less I hear about this subject, the better. I don’t want to take even the tiniest chance of rekindling that old desire and going through another 5-10 years of misery. I’ve fully accepted and resigned myself to the fact that there’ll be no kid and I need things to stay as they have been.

As for sex, I think it’s about time now to tell him that I’ve got to hang that up. I told him enough times that I can’t do part-time sex, although I wish to hell I could, and telling him this never changed a thing. I don’t just not want to have sex with him cuz of how I don’t desire him sexually, but the longer we go without it, the more nervous I am about the idea of starting it up again. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m a virgin all over again.

Andy called at midnight and hung up. The call came up as “private” but it could be related to that blackie that called earlier. Andy’s not big on hanging on my machine for ten seconds or so and then hanging up, though, so it was probably connected to the blackie.

When I mentioned having dropped hints the last time about my catching onto the dentist’s automatic filling scam, Tom said he thought about it, and since I can’t brush well with the braces, he said I may really need a filling. Alright, alright. This time when I’m told I have a cavity I’ll play along with it, but next time, I’m not gonna buy it. I don’t want to have to switch dentists, though. The waiting room is almost always empty when we go there and if it isn’t, it’s just one or two other adults. Not a bunch of screaming kids. Also, Mel’s always on time.

I had a white fungus-like thing on the back of my tongue. Tom got some antiseptic mouthwash and it’s helped it so far. Tom said I shouldn’t need a doctor over it. I hope not!

Later...

The dark green car was here today at 9:00 this morning. For a second, I thought I heard the faint thump of bass, but if I did, it was gone as soon as I thought I heard it. They made their usual door-slamming production out of going out this morning, and the bitch appeared pissed off as usual. All I saw was her and some huge fat woman. The woman was wearing dark green, her hair was kind of straight and it was almost to her shoulders. She and the bitch were passing around some black boy that was about oh, I’d say a year or two old.

Later...

The green car returned an hour and a half later at 10:30 and stayed till 1:00. I counted nine door slams. The porker and the anorexic cunt went to McDonald’s, and I saw the porker place a McDonald’s bag on the roof of the car while she got shit out of the front and backseat. I could see this from the side window.

Right now, our beautiful city moochers are getting their lawn done.

Tom says subsidized housing isn’t welfare. It’s for the working poor, although she still does get food stamps, no doubt. It’s the same thing. As I told him, she should’ve always been in a job that pays enough to support her and that mistake, rather than depending on the city. He says the city’s helping her so she can get a sufficient paying job. But why couldn’t she do that on her own in the first place? She’s stupid, selfish and rude, but she’s able-bodied enough and can keep a schedule, so why couldn’t she have a sufficient enough paying job to begin with? She’s no doubt always had her father around to use to babysit the mistake, so what’s the problem here? There are enough people out there who get jobs that’d support two or more people without having to mooch off of the city first in order to do it. Look at Tom and his job. He didn’t need to use the city to work his way up to where he is so why should she have to? I guess she’s just that stupid. And that mean too, and potential employers of decent, upscale jobs can sense this. I mean, looking at the letters she left in our mailbox slut tells me how stupid she is right there. Bitch can’t spell worth shit. Also, it only took two ignored requests that the music is lowered in order for me to get the hint at how mean and self-absorbed this pitiful creature is.

They haven��t finished prettying up her lawn yet. I can still hear the equipment buzzing over there.

Later...

Damn! They took forfuckingever to do their lawn. How could it take over an hour? Especially with more than one person working. What’s she getting her fucking yard done for, anyway? She has Bermuda grass. All she should get at this time of year is weeds. She’s too lazy to even do that herself?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 1999

It’s prime time now, but as of yet, all’s quiet in Freeloaderville. No sounds or cars yet.

Later...

Two white girls are over playing ball, but amazingly, I can’t hear a thing even with the fan on low. That’s because they’re not using a basketball, which is heavier. Guess who the girls are? From the renters across the street. I told Tom just last week too, that they’d make it over here to use the hoop. It doesn’t look like the collie kids, and like I said, judging by the length of time this hoop went unused by the collie kids, I really think they had a fight with the bitch. Tom said he doesn’t think the kids live across the street. He thinks they only come on weekends, maybe even just Sundays. That’d explain why I don’t hear kids there during the week. I’m glad these renters aren’t next door. They are in and out and in and out. The door slamming would be about as bad as it was when the cock lived here.

Later...

The white car came and went at 3:00. The two girls have been playing ball on and off. I could be wrong about them being associated with the renters, cuz I saw them in the collie driveway. Maybe one of them is renter-associated, cuz Tom said he saw the collie kids playing with a renter kid when they first moved in.

I can’t believe Paula didn’t leave any messages today, and I can’t believe how good Andy’s been with not calling on the weekends. Maybe my good-natured lecture on being selfish and complying with simple, reasonable requests, really did sink into him.

Paula, though, can be a real pest these days. She left two messages yesterday. Maybe she’ll get the hint that I can’t call her long-distance every day and that even if she were local, me and phones don’t go together anymore like they used to.

Tom downloaded another word processor for me to check out, but once again, I wasn’t too thrilled with it. He didn’t waste his time, though, cuz there are other things within the program besides a word processor, so he’s gonna keep it for himself.

I wonder if Veronica will be in tonight. Tom says she’s this 19-year-old who’s a lesbian but doesn’t know it yet. She’s just like most butches and males - always fighting. She got arrested for fighting recently.

They got gift certificates for working on a Saturday and they’re for Red Lobster. I’ll be looking forward to going there, but will some rude fuck of a kid throw food at us like on our anniversary?

Later...

I made the stupid mistake of screwing today. It went as planned - to break me open again he only stood on the side and I had to stop him just a few minutes into it. Yeah, well it hurt like hell and I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t go through the irritation, the conditions, the control, the predictability, and the same old shit with him year after year. Then again, doing the same thing every time we screw and doing it part-time is nothing compared to what I go through physically. I can love him forever, I can be with him forever, but he needs to take care of himself for sex. As you know, I’ve never really enjoyed sex with anyone other than in my fantasies, and have never had a happy, healthy, normal sex life. I’m just not meant to have that with anyone. Sex has been more problems, conflict, and work, than fun. Today I had decided to finger myself during the week to help be able to stand the sex every 1-4 weeks, but after thinking about it, I decided I didn’t want to live like that. That’d take all the enjoyment out of it, which time alone has already helped to do enough of, and turn it into a total chore. If it’s gonna be nothing but a painful job - forget it. So I told Tom that I’ve reached my fill and that if he’s right about us having more time after his ma dies, and if God doesn’t replace that time with some other shit, then maybe I’ll reconsider.

God, why won’t you take our daughter off our hands?! Enough is enough! Take her to your kingdom! Take her to be with Dad! We need to live our lives and we need to move on!

March being just a few hours away, has brought good feelings. I mean, I still vibe us moving in June, but logically speaking, I just don’t see how we can sell the house and be out of here within 30 days of putting up a for-sale sign. Tom said that in mid-March, he’d be able to say more surely whether or not we could move in June. If his mother would hurry up and die we could, but no, God’s just so determined to have her hold our lives back! What? Is she compensation for us getting out of having to have a kid hold us back?

Tom said that when he goes to do her taxes, he’ll get a better idea of what’s in her accounts, and try to coax her into giving us each $10,000 like Mary was trying to coax the selfish little user to do.

Speaking of compensation, it’d be nice if Giselle came early to make up for Maria’s arriving late, but I won’t hold my breath.

I had a vibe that some shit would go down 2-5 years after we moved. Good or bad, I’m not sure. It’s a sudden, major change, that could cause us to feel anxious and pressured, but all I can think of is a home business of some kind. However, the vibe’s faded a bit, so I guess that’s good. As long as it’s not an accident or an illness. It’s just that sudden changes are usually the ones that aren’t good. Good changes usually take time.

The white car returned at 6:30. This is the car with the trunk rack and with the twin boys. I figured there’d be a ball game, but nope. I saw one of the boys playing with a tiny football, but after unloading the trunk and slamming doors, this car pulled out and the bitch was in for the night. Did the bitch cut her hair to her shoulders? Or was that the owner of this car? Whoever this plain blob of brown was, was about the same size as the bitch, so maybe it was her sister. It wore glasses too.

Tom said he noticed something. That I was less tight due to not needing much heat lately which is letting the humidity level rise a bit. He said he thinks that both extremes bother me; if it’s too humid or too dry. Could very well be the case.

I’ve been sleeping really weirdly these past few days. I slept so long a couple of nights ago that I ended up being up 20 hours which was till 4 PM yesterday. Then I woke up 4 hours later at 9 PM. I took a Benadryl and ended up sleeping till 9 AM! That means I could very well be up till 6:00 this morning. If that happens, getting up at 10:30 won’t kill me, since I’m very caught up in my sleep. It should only take me about 40 minutes for her to clean me and pull the routine cavity scam on me along with the doctor, then about 10 with Melanie, then about 2 to make the appointments for my next visit with Melanie and for my filling. Nonetheless, I’m gonna take a Benadryl at midnight. Maybe it’ll relax me enough to get 6 hours of sleep instead of 4. I think I’d feel better with that.

I started a book called There He Keeps Them Very Well. It’s good so far, but there were a couple of other books I tried out that I didn’t like. I’m still doing well this time. Only 3 books I couldn’t get into, rather than 6.

A few nights ago I checked out a one-hour documentary on a state funny farm, and what a crock! Even if I hadn’t been in a state nuthouse myself, I could see that this was total BS with nothing more than actors acting out a script. First of all, they don’t have restaurants in state nut wards. They also don’t go outside at night and dance to music on the radio. Also, every person there referred to what they did as “the crime” and they all sounded too articulate to be crazy. Also, they were all just too damn remorseful for what they did.

A real funny farm consists of people 8 months pregnant who deny they’re even pregnant. Of people openly masturbating. Of people who can’t talk well, can’t think well, and don’t even know what year it is. I should know. I’ve been in a state funny farm, and this is exactly what I saw there.

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writingmyanxietyaway · 4 years ago

Text

I Made Cookies! | Andrew DeLuca

Requested by anon: Yay💛😁😁 I was thinking of being Deluca's sister, also sharing the apartment with Arizona w/ the prompts 33 and 75 :D

Word count: 960

Warning: drinking, maybe one or two boo-boo words

Note: not my gif! I hope this is what you meant! Enjoy xx

#33 - ‘What did I say?’ ‘You told me to behave.’ ‘What did you do?’ ‘The exact opposite.’

#75 - ‘Are you drunk?’

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‘- so yeah, the mom is doing great and the baby is healthy. Uhuh, yeah, that’s what I said.’ Arizona fumbled with the keys in her hands while she spoke to April on the phone. ‘Uhm, April, I’m gonna have to call you back.’ Arizona threw her stuff down next to the door as she took in the scene before her. The room was covered in birthday decorations, music burst through the apartment and you were singing along loudly in the kitchen, covered in flour.

‘Y/N, hey! What are you doing?’ she called over the music. You jumped around when you heard her voice and turned down the music.

‘Arizona! Hi! Don’t you just love this?!’ you exclaimed. There was clearly something off about you.

‘Are you drunk?’ Arizona asked. You carefully hid the bottle of wine that was standing next to you behind your back and shook your head with a smile.

‘Nope!’ you stated proudly. She raised her eyebrows and gave you that ‘mom’ look. ‘Okay, maybe I am, so what?’

‘I literally left for two days and I come back to this.. Seriously Y/N, what did I say?’ she asked, clearly unamused by what you did to the house.

‘You told me to behave..’

‘And what did you do?’

‘The exact opposite.’

You pouted your lips and looked around the beautifully decorated room. No-one had been home for your birthday as it was a national holiday, so you threw yourself a nice birthday party. You’d done your best to decorate the house a little, but somewhere along the way you found a bottle of wine and that soon turned into two bottles, an over-the-top decorated house and a messy kitchen.

‘I just wanted a fun birthday! If no-one’s here, the least I can do is make it fun for myself and the mice,’ you mumbled and pointed to the little hole in the wall where the grey animals had been hiding out since a day. You didn’t mean to get drunk, but you’d had a rough couple of weeks. Firstly, your boyfriend broke up with you, secondly you got into a huge fight with your brother Andrew and thirdly you had lost a patient.

‘I love you Arizony, please don’t be mad at meeeee,’ you slurred. She sighed and sat you down on the couch. Handing you a glass of water, she pulled out her phone and texted Andrew how she’d found you drunk and alone in your apartment. Within a minute he replied saying he was on his way.

‘Am I a bad person, Ari? Be honest.’ That glass of water seemed to sober you up immediately as you stared at the now empty glass.

‘Why would you be a bad person?’ she asked. She sat down next to you and pulled you to her side. You cuddled up against her and sighed.

‘Me and Andy got into a fight earlier this week and he said some pretty nasty things. I don’t understand why he constantly has to throw me under the bus whenever he’s talking about me to Bailey. I almost got fired on friday,’ you mumbled, rubbing your tired eyes. The mascara you wore was now smudged around your eyes, but Arizona wiped it away. She held your face in her hands and looked at you with pity in her eyes. ‘And then Noah broke up with me yesterday.. on my birthday! And he said that I didn’t give him enough space and I always yell at him. I haven’t even spoken to him in the last few weeks. He’s never even home!’

You heard the door open and close. You squeezed your eyes shut, not wanting anyone else but Arizona to see you like this, so you shoved your face deeper in Arizona’s embrace.

‘Muppet, look at me.’ It was Andrew.

‘Go away Andrew. I don’t want to talk to you.’ You never said his actual name unless you were serious. Andrew’s face fell into a frown. A feeling in your gut told you he wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon, so you sprinted to your bedroom and locked the door behind you.

‘I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said any of those things and neither should I have left you alone on your birthday. That was a dick-move. And I heard about Noah. Please unlock the door, ducky. You know I hate seeing you upset,’ he pleaded through the door.

‘I. don’t. want. to. talk. Andrew.’ You knew you were being childish, but you were hurt and drunk. The doorknob jiggled and soon enough the door opened and a smiling Andrew popped in your room, a screwdriver in hand.

‘Wasn’t planning on breaking a door open today, but here we are,’ he mumbled. You groaned and pushed your face deeper in the fluffy green pillow you were laying on. ‘Talk to me. Yell at me. Hit me. Do something.’ The desperation in his voice broke your tough act and you started sobbing like a mad man. You heard Andrew mumble and soon enough you were wrapped tightly in his arms.

‘It’s okay. I’ve got you,’ he kept whispering in your ear until you had calmed down. You sat up and leaned against your big brother. ‘We all go through rough break-ups. We’ve all lost a patient at least once, it’s inevitable. It sucks it all had to happen at the same time, but we’re here for you. We know the feeling and we know how to get out of it. So, grab your pillow and some snacks. We’re watching your favourite movie tonight.’

‘Can we have some wine?’ you called out to Andrew, who was already setting up the couch and tv. You heard two panicked voices yell back.

‘No!’

#andre deluca #andrew deluca x reader #andrew deluca imagine #giacomo gianniotti #greys anatomy imagine #grey's anatomy imagine #greys anatomy #grey's anatomy #prompt 33 #prompt 75

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diaryofabeautyfiend · 4 years ago

Text

This is two parts because I got carried away. I wrote this on my phone and proof read as much as I could.

Warnings: cheating, male masturbation, m/f sex, minor spoilers for “Defending Jacob”.

——————————————————————————————

Plain Gold Ring

“Plain gold ring on his finger he wore

It was where everyone could see

He belonged to someone, but not me

On his hand was a plain gold ring”

-Nina Simone

When the Barbers moved to your building every old bitty in the place was buzzing with excitement. You had loosely followed Jacob Barber’s case as it played out on the evening news. The whole thing was bizarrely too neat and tidy for your liking. You tried to stay out of idle gossip as much as possible. But, when you heard Andy Barber was interviewing for a senior position at your firm, you had questions.

Andy was brought in to interview for a position that you were also interested in. You requested a meeting with your boss and you went in guns blazing. Your poor boss was not ready for all the excitement.

“Am I still being considered for junior partner?”

“Y/n, calm down.” When he saw you winding yourself up, he popped an antacid an a few ibuprofen.

“Calm down? Calm down he says. I’ve been with this firm since I clerked for you in Law school, Stan. I’m the best fit for this role and you know it.”

“I know you are, kid. I’ve been out voted.”

It’s common knowledge that the partners don’t want too many women gunning for their jobs. They already have one token female partner. They didn’t feel the need to add another. You were infuriated. You stomped back to your office and slammed the door.

All of the work you put in. All of the late nights. You don’t have time to even date. And all for what? You had to calm down now because you were starting to cry out of sheer frustration. You took a deep breath and started going through your to do list. With a relatively light schedule you decided to leave for the day. You mumbled something to your assistant about a doctors appointment and headed for the elevator.

You saw some of the senior partners headed your way shaking hands with Andy. You pressed the elevator button furiously trying to avoid them. Could you make it down seventeen flights of stairs in your stilettos? The elevator dinged and you jumped on just as Robert called your name.

As soon as you put your car in gear, your assistant called. You sent her to voicemail. She called again. Declined. Finally she texted call me back ASAP. Emergency. Fuck.

“Caitlan I said I had an appointment. What’s the emergency?”

“Sorry. Mr. Cramer insisted I call. He’s standing by my desk” she whispered. “They want you to have lunch with them today. Maybe it’s about the job.”

“Did you see guy shaking hands with them? That’s the new junior partner. They are asking me to lunch to reject me. Fuck! Where?” You rested your head against the steering wheel.

“Commander’s at 1:00.”

“Fine.” you groaned.

You went home to freshen up and send out your updated resume. You made sure to include “Willing to relocate” at the end to broaden your prospects. You had a friend in Chicago who worked for a very high profile firm. They were always looking for new blood. You shot her a text to let her know you were looking then emailed your resume. The prospect of starting over completely made you nauseous. You would have to go through the ranks and probably waist another five years to get exactly where you were right now.

When you arrived at the restaurant the maître d brought you to the table where Stan, several other senior partners and Andy were waiting. Andy stood up to pull out your chair.

“Gentleman. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Sit down, Y/N. We wanted to introduce you to Andrew Barber.”

“Andy. Please call me Andy. It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N. These guys haven’t stopped talking about you all morning.”

“All good things I hope.” The men laughed and ordered a round of martinis. Good thing you ate a big lunch at home. No one likes a sloppy drunk girl.

“Yes. Well, Y/N, as you may not know Andy has accepted the junior partner position. We would love if you brought him up to speed on anything you’re working on and show him the ropes.”

You were seething. “Of course Mr. Cramer. Happy to.”

“Oh. Good. Let’s order huh? I’m starving.”

You were silent for the rest of lunch ordering two more martinis very dry and a salad. Dressing on the side of course. The men spoke loudly and never even tried to include you in the conversation. You excused yourself to use the restroom. Andy, ever the gentleman, stood up at the same time.

You didn’t go back. Not that it would have mattered. You ordered an Uber and checked your email. You didn’t notice Andy at the valet stand.

“I’m headed back to the office. Need a ride?” he called to you.

“No. I’m good. Thanks though.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.” He watched you pace back and forth reading a message almost out loud.

You didn’t look up from your phone. “Shit.” You scowled looking at the screen. You dialed Caitlan’s extension. “Caitlan, Sloan Treadaway’s deposition was moved to today. I need it pushed to Monday.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I figured you would be coming back so I told them it was ok to push it up. I can call them back.”

“No. Don’t bother. I’m on my way back.”

“Looks like you can use a ride after all.” Andy was grinning from ear to ear.

He held the door and rushed around to the other side. You pulled a small bag out of your purse. You freshened your hair, popped some breath mints, lotioned and spritzed away the smell of booze. Andy thought this must be commonplace for you. It’s not easy trying to run with the guys. He could walk into this deposition piss drunk and most people wouldn’t care. You had to be perfect. He always hated that aspect of working in a big firm like this.

“Sorry. I’ll pay to have your car cleaned.” It smelled like you now. Expensive perfume and minty breath. Sweet but not sickly so. He inhaled letting his nostrils flair breathing you in. “Don’t want your wife to be pissed.”

“Lori? Don’t worry about her. She’ll understand.”

“How is she doing with her job search?”

“Doing ok. Thanks for asking. She’s interviewed with a few places.”

“She worked for a non profit right?” When he looked at you quizzically, you quickly explained yourself. “I hear things. Anyway. I know the director of a non profit organization that might be a great fit for her. I’ll pass along her information.”

“Thank you, Y/N. I really appreciate it. Stan told me you were the front runner for this position. I know how hard it is for women in this industry. I want to say how sorry I am…”

“Let me stop you there. First of all, don’t be sorry. You’re high profile and a damn good litigator. They would be stupid not to offer you the moon. You’re over qualified for this job. You didn’t come here gunning for me. I’ll be fine. Besides, a few of these old bags have one foot in the grave. It won’t be long for me.”

Andy smiled at you but still kind of felt like shit at the way the firm treated you. When you pulled into the garage you offered a quick thanks and rushed into the building to prepare.

Andy stayed behind for a bit. He spent a few precious moments breathing in your scent, letting it linger and wash over him. He hoped his clothes would smell a little like you. Stan said you were a “fire cracker”. Andy always hated that analogy. He knew by the way the group of men talked about you that he would like you. Your quick banter in the car confirmed it. Throughout the rest of the day you would invade his thoughts. He and Lori were still married but their relationship was long over. You had excited him more in a couple of hours than she had in years. When he got home he didn’t eat dinner or speak to anyone. He went right to his room where he replayed your exchange over and over. The ghost of your perfume lingered on his shirt. Both of your scents mixed together gave him a raging hard on. He kept your shirt over his face while he fisted his cock.

——————————————————————

The next morning you decided to face the day with a fresher attitude. Sometime yesterday you heard from your friend. She was thrilled that you reached out to her. She has been trying to get you out there for a while. Knowing that you had a solid backup plan was giving your hair volume and clearing your skin.

You thought you were early but Andy was already in your office waiting for you.

“Morning, Mr. Barber.” God he loved how you said that.

He scoffed, “Andy. Please. I brought you a coffee. I hope it’s ok. I got your order from Caitlan. I thought we’d order in lunch today. We have a lot of ground to cover. You should probably let your family know you’ll be missing dinner.”

“I don’t think my dead ficus will worry too much.” Your tone was dry.

“I apologize for the assumption.”

“Not necessary. Though my mother and my therapist would both be pleased to know that I look like someone who could have a family.”

You were funny. You seemed to say whatever thought popped into your head. You had one hell of a poker face though. He didn’t know if you were trying to be funny or if this was just you. When you didn’t look up from your computer screen he didn’t laugh.

As the day wore on you warmed up to him a little. You filled him in on the three big cases you were working on. You were actually going to trial on a very important case soon. He insisted you rehearse your opening statement a hundred times.

During the third run through Andy’s phone was blowing up. He finally turned it off and told you to keep going. He watched you pace around the room and coached you on your stance. “Stand with authority not arrogance.” He chided. He showed you himself then, asked if he could touch your shoulders. “Round them out like this. Good. Back straight. See?” he pointed to your reflection in the window, “It’s not menacing or arrogant. But you look like you’re in charge. You look perfect.” Hell. Was he flirting with you? By the time you looked at the clock it was 9:30.

“Fuck is that the time?” he said with a boisterous yawn.

“Shit. We should pick this up tomorrow.”

“Let’s go get a drink. I’m buying.”

You quirked your eyebrow, “I’m sure your wife and kiddo are dying to see you.”

He stacked some folders neatly on your desk and looked up at you through his lashes, “I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that I look like a guy who has a happy marriage and a good relationship with his kid.”

Your cheeks heated. The way he was looking at you made you sad but it also warmed your insides. “I’m sorry.” you mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it. We said we would stay together until Jacob went away to school. He pretends to ignore the fact that we have separate bedrooms. We put on happy faces everyday. We’re a typical American family.”

You laughed at his admission. His whole story was so fucked up. You wanted to know everything about him. “You know, I think I will let you buy me a drink.”

“Good girl.” he said in a low voice that went strait to your core. The whole way to the car you repeated a mantra in your head reminding you not to get involved with a married man. It didn’t matter how unhappy they were. But you wanted him. Every time he touched you, your insides would quake.

The bar was packed with regulars from the DA’s office and other firms. You introduced Andy around. The guy was a legitimate pro. He was so smooth working the room. The whole time he kept finding small ways to touch you. The brush of his fingers on your arm his breath against your ear when he asked if wanted another drink. Your heart nearly stopped. You stuck with him for a while until your feet couldn’t stand anymore. Every time he caught your eye from across the room he winked at you.

For the first time in a long time Andy was enjoying himself. Your friends were fun and not at all stuffy like he thought this crowd would be. You were adorable. Your laugh was cute. The way you brushed against him on purpose was cute. You were openly flirting with him the more you drank. He had a massive crush on you. What grown man has a crush these days. He thought maybe if he fucked you and got it out of his system he’d get over it.

Your friend Liz sat down at your table trying to talk to you for a solid minute before you noticed. “Sorry. I was distracted. What were you saying?” She threw her head back laughing at you.

“I said you two would make a gorgeous couple.”

“Stop. He’s married.”

“Happily?”

“That doesn’t matter. Married is married.”

“So that’s a no. He’s been eye fucking you all night. Shoot your shot, darling. We get so few in this life.” The light hit his wedding ring just right making you feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. Do not get involved. You kept chanting it in your head over and over until Andy slid in the booth next to you. He leaned over so he could talk over the din of the crowd.

“Hey, you. Wanna get out of here?”

“You don’t need to bring me home, Andy. I can catch an Uber.” That was such a ridiculous statement since you lived in the same building.

“That’s not what I asked. I said do you wanna get out of here?” His eyes were fixed on your mouth. A salacious grin splayed across his lips just knowing you’d give in.

“Andy. I….” You stuttered over your words. Your brain stopped working when you felt his warm breath on the shell of your ear. “Let’s get out of here.” Your breath hitched in your chest when he touched the small of your back. He payed his tab and lead you out of the bar.

You held hands in the car. His thumb rhythmically traced patterns on your knuckles. Every touch sent bolts of arousal to your aching cunt. It felt electric. You were ready to crawl into his lap by the time you made it into the garage. He parked in his spot and followed behind you to the elevator. You lived two floors below him. You glanced back at Lori’s sensible suv next to his car and felt embarrassed. He caught you looking and stopped you in your tracks. He took your chin in between his thumb and index finger forcing you to look at him.

“I understand if you don’t want to invite me in. I’m asking a lot of you. But I really like you, Y/N. You are funny and intimidatingly smart. And, fuck me, you are fucking stunning. I can go to work tomorrow like nothing happened. Don’t worry about Lori. Worry about what this means working together. Can you handle this?”

Your brain was no longer working and deferred to your pussy for any and all further decisions. You had not had even mediocre sex in six months. You just knew Andy was going to blow your mind. All day you have been working together so well. You challenged each other and he encouraged you when you faltered. Would this change the dynamic at work? Absolutely. Could you handle it? You’re damn right you could.

“I can handle it.”

“Good girl.” You all but sprinted to the elevator. He wouldn’t touch you until you actually got inside of your apartment and closed the door. When you did, he pushed against you and covered your lips with his.

You tasted the golden flavor of beer on his tongue as it probed your mouth. He unbuttoned your blouse and pushed it over your shoulders letting it hit the floor. He kissed his way down the column of your neck to the swell of your breasts. You panted underneath him raking your nails through his hair.

“God you smell incredible. At any point if you don’t want this….”

“Andy, shut up and fuck me.” He growled low in his throat before he picked you up and carried you to your bedroom. You could see how hard he was through his impeccably tailored slacks. You unzipped his fly and took the whole throbbing appendage in your mouth.

“Fuck, baby yes.” he hissed. You relaxed your throat muscles and swallowed him deeper. “You look so pretty with my cock in your mouth.” He moaned your name over and over soaking your panties. “Stop, honey. Let me see that pretty pussy.”

He eased you down onto the bed and undressed you painfully slow. It had been so long since he was intimate with someone, he wanted to take his time. He started with your feet removing your heels and massaging your insteps. His hands ran up the length of your legs to your skirt. He took off your panties first letting the skirt material pool around your waist. “So wet for me. So beautiful.” He slipped two fingers in between your folds hitting everywhere but your clit. He built up a tortuous rhythm that had you begging for relief. He smiled down at you watching completely fall apart. When he dipped his fingers inside of you, you were done. Your orgasm spilled out in one glorious cry. Before you could catch your breath he pulled off your skirt and unhooked your bra. His cock was weeping at the sight of you. A large hand held the back of your neck holding your head in place so you could look at him. Your eyes locked as he buried himself inside of you. There were no more words as he moved inside of you. Only breathless moans and sighs would escape your lips. He increased his pace and your orgasm started building again.

“Fuck. Andy, I’m….fuck!”

“I’m with you, honey. Come with me.” His words were your undoing. You latched your whole body onto him. He held you tight whispering praises in your ear. He kissed you slow and deep easing you back down to Earth. “You ok?”

“I think so.” You both laughed at the sight of yourselves. Sweat glistening off of your skin, lips puffy and kiss swollen. He eased off of you and rubbed your thighs to relax you. You thought he would get dressed and rush out but he crawled under the covers instead.

“Can I stay for a while?” Big arms pulled you down to his chest. He stroked your back softly to help you drift off to sleep.

“I’d like it if you did.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of your head and let his eyes flutter closed.

When dawn found you a few hours later, you were still tangled with each other. You jolted awake panicking because Andy was still in your bed. “Andy, wake up. You stayed all night.”

“I know. What time is it?”

“6:45.”

“Then we have time. Go back to sleep.”

“But Lori…”

“I told you not to worry about her. Get back on this pillow and let me hold you. Please.” The poor guy was so touch starved you guessed. Andy Barber was not a man who did well being single. He loved being in love. He longed for a connection. For passion. He knew those things would sometimes fizzle out of a marriage. But, with you, he couldn’t see that. Your fire matched his fire and Lori was the wet blanket that always snuffed him out.

He supposed that wasn’t really fair. Two people were in their marriage. He worked long hours and spent very little time doing anything but being an ADA and being a dad. He didn’t give the same dedication to being Lori’s partner. The stress of this past year pushed them further apart. He felt obligated to be with her. It was his idea to stay together for Jacob’s sake. He regretted pushing for it.

He pulled you close to his body and wrapped an arm around your waist. He nuzzled your hair and fell back to sleep. You did too.

#andy barber #andy barber x y/n #andy barber smut #defending jacob

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rosesvioletshardy · 5 years ago

Text

Just Like Old Times - Frank McCullen (b.h. - Pixie)

wow i actually wrote something shocking ! but i’m sorry that i’m posting today and not yesterday like I promised. i was having trouble writing everything and such. this idea actually came from when one of my friends and i were watching Pixie together and quoted what Pixie said and i ended saying i should write something based off that line

thank you so much to andi ( @venombxby ) for helping with and encouraging me when writing and helping me when it came to explaining things you truly are the best and our conversations helped so much

i’m really sorry if it’s really bad i haven’t written in a long time, let alone smut in a long time so i hope you like it ???

masterlist

warnings: drinking, language, drug use mention, SMUT (18+) (please don’t read if your under 18 !!!!!), oral (both m and f receiving), riding

# of words: 2,187

---

Going to the club wasn’t necessarily the way y/n would spend the weekend or even bother to think about going, but something felt different for her and she felt the need to go after Pixie convinced her to. She didn’t really have anyone else to go with but she felt like if she went, she would find some people she knew seeing that everyone knew everyone in Sligo and how you had to be careful about everything. Pixie Hardy was the only person who would be able to convince her to go out and it didn’t matter as to what it was but seeing that she was back in town, she would go. There were only two people y/n was hoping she didn’t see and that was Frank McCullen and Harland McKenna. It’s not necessarily that she hated them, but it was something with Frank that made her always annoyed at him. Maybe it was him always bothering her for no apparent reason or the fact that he felt the need to try and sleep with every woman in town. But then again it beat sitting on the couch alone in her apartment.

“You need to go out.” Pixie told her as she saw Y/N coming out of her kitchen with a glass and bottle of wine

“I do go out, and have fun. Just don’t feel like it today” she answered back, completely lying seeing that the only time she went out was when it involved her family or work

“When was the last time you actually went out and had fun that didn’t involve your family, food, or some form of work?”

“Exactly my point. Now i didn’t come back to Sligo for us to just sit around and watch shit movies. We’re going out.”

-----

“See isn’t this fun?” Pixie asked Y/N handing her a drink while taking a sip of hers

“What’s your definition of fun? Because i’d rather not be pushed up against sweaty bodies while people are high or drunk, or both”

“You need to let loose a bit. Have a few drinks, maybe hook up with someone” she nudged at y/n smirking hoping that it’ll make her have some sort of fun

Y/N couldn’t help but glare at her when she said that and shake her head. It’s not that she didn’t want to hook up with someone it’s just that she didn’t want to hook up with someone and it would be someone she’d instantly regret it with seeing that everyone knew everyone

“Don’t look now but i think a Mr. Frank McCullen is looking at you” Pixie smirked causing her to look behind her and he looked away and back at Harland and Daniel

“What’s going on with the two of you? What happened?”

“Not sure, he’s the one to ask since it was his fault.”

“Oh I think I remember. Did it really end that bad?”

“Mmhm, clearly he doesn’t know how to keep it in his pants. Even when we were together”

“And the fact that he got really high one day and told me he had a crush on you and was using me as a rebound to get over you.” y/n finished looking down at her drink, making the two of them go silent until Pixie spoke up

“I’ve got an idea.” she said getting Y/N’s attention as she took a drink

“Dance with me” was all she said

“What-” Y/N managed to get out before Pixie grabbed her arm and pulled her to the dance floor and begun to dance

“Listen, Frank still has feelings for you and I know you still have them for him and getting him jealous is something that might come good for the both of you, and since he used to like me, it’ll make him even more upset. Now grab my hips, and dance” she yelled over the loud music

“Are you sure this is going to work though?” y/n answered back putting her hands on Pixie’s hips

“I’m sure of it. And by the looks of it, Harland's telling him what’s going on. I’m going to move my hands a little lower and I want you to move your hips, and i’m going to make it look like i’m kissing your neck is that alright?” Pixie whispered in her ear

“Yeah that’s fine, just as long as he sees and gets jealous”

“Frank, man? I think you’re going to want to see this.” Harland said hitting frank’s shoulder to get him to look at the scene in front of him and stop talking to daniel

“What could possibly-” Frank starts as he sees Y/N and Pixie grinding against each other

“Shit” he finished

“Exactly. You need to do something Frank. I know you still love her and if you’re not careful, you’re going to miss your chance of getting her back. So you might want to go over there and get her away from Pixie Hardy quickly. Who knows what could’ve happened the last time you saw her” “Don’t worry nothing’s going to happen. I know the both of them too well.” Frank smirked finishing the rest of his beer

---

“It’s working” Pixie mentioned as they moved to a corner where frank couldn’t see them

“You should’ve seen his face. I think if he clenched his jaw any tighter, he’d break his teeth and need a dentist.” she finished laughing at the thought of it

“Really? I guess it’s working then.” y/n shrugged then laughing

Pixie and y/n continued to talk, but after a few minutes went back in to continue what they were doing to continue to make Frank jealous. Frank on the other hand was back at the bar and would look back at the two women every now and then turned back to the two men he was with. Frank couldn’t help but think about where he went wrong. He knew that using her as a rebound was wrong and he should’ve gotten over Pixie the moment him and Y/N got together. He did enjoy those two years but when Pixie left, something inside him felt like he needed to let go of every memory they had together.

Y/N kept eyeing Frank every now and then to see what he was doing but she always got the same thing. Him sitting at the bar and drinking his beer. Pixie noticed and went over to wear he was and made sure that Y/N was with someone to make him more jealous

“Hello boys”

“Pixie, what are you doing here?”

“Cut the crap. now I know that you, Frank McCullen, still miss our dear Y/N and would do anything to get her back now that she’s also back.”

“Wait how long has she been back?”

“Don’t know, maybe a year? Anyways it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to come over here to tell you that you better make a move now because it looks like someone is about to get to her” she finished grabbing another drink, smirking and walking away from the two men and walking towards y/n and whispering in her ear

“I got you his attention, now’s your chance”

Y/N continued to dance with the stranger as she could feel Frank's eyes burn into her. Smirking, she gave the stranger a kiss on his cheek, close to lips which caused Frank to set his drink down and go over to her.

“We need to talk.” Frank yelled over the loud music and grabbed her arm. Y/N ignored him and pushed him off to set him even further

“Did you not hear me?-”

“I heard you, can’t you see i’m busy?” “Y/N-” “Mate just leave her alone.” the stranger told him as he moved her away

“You be quiet. Y/N i really need to talk to you.” Frank told her, looking dead in her eyes. She looked back at the stranger and then back at Frank as he raised his eyebrows before she looked back and apologized and went with Frank. Y/N didn’t know what would happen with him or if anything would happen before she was snapped out of her thoughts when the music was dimmed out and she and Frank were alone. There was a moment of silence and awkwardness between them as they stared at each other before she leaned in and kissed him. Frank was shocked that she did what she did but didn’t hesitate to start kissing her back.

“Let’s go to the bathroom”

---

“You know what you were doing wasn’t so nice” frank said kissing her neck as he held her against the wall as she moaned

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t have done it if we were still together.” she moaned out causing him to pull away

“Oh really, you’re still thinking about what we used to be? What I used to do to you? How easily you fell apart whenever I kissed a certain spot.” he whispered, placing small kisses over her neck as she felt herself get wet

“Are you still rooming with Harland or did you finally move out after saying it for 2 years?”

“Well, I did end up getting a place of my own and you’re welcome for that.” he tells her going back to kissing her lips

“Then what are we still doing here in this dirty bathroom?” she whispered in his ear, pulling away from his grip and walking out as she made sure to walk in a way so he would look.

“You fucking minx” he whispered to himself as he followed her out

When they got out of their cab, they quickly reconnected their lips as he tried to open the door pushing her inside and closing the door. Y/N started to take off his jacket and his shirt as he took off his shoes and grabbed the zipper from the back of her dress and brushed the straps down and pushed down the dress, leaving her in her bra and underwear. They walked over to his bed, not breaking apart as he laid her down, his chain dangling over her as she ran her fingers through his hair

“You’re still wearing too many clothes” she mentioned as her hands went to his pants and began to fumble with his belt, pushing his pants down and leaving him in his underwear

“Yeah? So are you” as his hands went to the back of her to unclasp her bra

His hand wandered over her exposed chest before grabbing one of her breasts, causing her to moan. Frank continued to kiss her before pulling away and slowly went down her chest, leaving marks all over her.

“You’re still so beautiful as I remember. I was an idiot.” he mumbled against her skin

“Yeah you were, but i guess you’re making it up for now” she managed to let out as he took her underwear off and began to tease her by running his fingers over he slit causing her to moan.

“Already so wet for me? How long have you been this wet? Hm? Since maybe you and Pixie were dancing? Or was it the random guy you danced with? Tell me.”

“None of those. It was when I first saw you at the bar. I realized that I-” she gasped out as he pushed a finger in

“Realized what?”

“Realized that I still have feelings for you. Oh fuck” she finished as he pushed another finger in and using his thumb to rub her clit, her back aching as he leant down and began to lick her

Letting out a mix between a moan and a groan, he continued to finger and eat her out before he took out his fingers and put them in his mouth, smirking while looking directly at her and edging her

“I forgot how good you tasted. Do you want a taste? Go on and taste on how much of a slut you are.” he whispered to her as he put his thumb near her mouth as he rubbed his thumb across her lip. Y/N took the opportunity to take his thumb and suck on it causing him to become weak enough for her to flip him over so she was on top of him and kissed him

“Remember how I used to ride you? How you held my hips, while I took control?” she whispered into his ear while one of her hands went down to palm him through his boxers, making him let out a groan

She hooked her fingers around the band of his boxers and pushed them down letting his dick free. Taking it in her hand, she began to move her hand up and down as her thumb brushed over his tip as she left small pecks over his chest before moving down and putting him in her mouth. His first instinct was to grab the sheets in a fist as she bobbed her head, sucking him while moving her hand. Taking her hair to put into a makeshift ponytail, he caressed her face as she looked up at him as he groaned, thrusting into her mouth. Her hands gripping his thighs, Y/N kept taking more of him, making her gag as she felt him in the back of her throat but it didn’t stop her until she felt him become close

“Fuck, shit. ‘M going to cum, fuck.” frank whined as she began to suck him harder before letting go

“What’d you do that for? I was close” he asked her as she came up and straddled his lap as he sat against his headboard

“Aww, did you really think i was going to let you finish? Funny” she told him faking a upset face

“You really haven’t changed a bit have you?”

“No, and it looks like neither have you.” she smirked before grabbing his dick and teasing the tip of him with her entrance. She slowly slid on top of him as his first instinct was to grab her hips, tight enough to leave bruises in the shape of his hands as he groaned and looked up at the ceiling. Y/N’s first thought was to grab his jaw and point it towards her.

“Eyes forward like a good boy now.” she whispered as he let out a groan as she sank down and traced his jawline, his lips parted as she kissed his bottom lip and pulling it

“Fuck you’re so tight. I forgot how good you felt.” he whimpered making sure that she was still secure around him

Smirking, she started to roll her hips, letting out sighs of relief and breathy moans. Circling him, he groaned out her name, his grip loosening as she clenched around him.

“Oh shit.”

Y/N began to move her hips faster, moving her head towards him and attaching their lips together as one of his hands let go of her hip and went to one of her breasts, his thrusts hitting getting sloppier and hitting her G spot, her hand leaving his shoulder so she could touch herself.

“I’m close”

“So am I.” Frank panted out as the two were on the edge of their orgasms. Moans and groans both left their mouths, with small pants of breath escaping them. Y/N could feel the build up in her stomach as her fingers digged into Frank’s shoulder. At this point, her makeup was smudged, hair messy, and lipstick stains were visible all over his body and neck. Frank wouldn’t have thought that this would be happening again after what had happened between them and he wanted to make sure that she would feel and be treated better than the first time they were together

“Fuck, Y/N” he groaned

Letting out a cry of his name, she came undone, both of them having the feeling of their first time together. Waves of pleasure both escaping each other as he let out one final thrust, his cum coating her walls inside of her. Her vision going white as he released inside of her. The pair sweating and heavily breathing, knowing how good it felt to be back together. Y/N fell and laid beside him on his bed he got up to go get a towel for the both of them. When he came back, he pressed the damp towel on her, cleaning the mess they both made as she let out a small whimper, before he handed her some clothes to borrow.

“Do you think we can try again?” he asked Y/N, handing her one of his shirts.

“Just like old times? Other than what happened?” frank finished looking into her eyes as she took the time to think before nodding

“Yeah, I think we can do it if we tried.”

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suchalonelysunflower · 5 years ago

Text

If it means a lot to you (a.i)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin X Reader

Summary: Songfic based on the song “If it means a lot to you” by A Day to Remember. You haven’t heard from Ashton in weeks, could you endure all the pain while he’s on tour or it would become too much?

Warnings: ANGST, strong language, overthinking and anxiety. Also some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I’m sorry)

Word Count: 2.6 K

Author’s Note: I was feeling so angsty today and this was the product of me pouring out my feelings into a fic. Reblogs, coments and feedback are always welcome and apreciated! I would love to hear your thoughts 💙 Hope you like it and Happy reading🦋

My Materialist

It felt good to be on the stage again. It felt more than good, actually. The sound of screaming fans, calling out your names in pure ecstasy as one by one the songs pass and reverberates throughout the whole stadium, or arena or a simple, yet packed, venue. The adrenaline that cursed through the veins of each one of them as they gave their all, feeling how the base makes the entire stage shake with rhythms they know by memory and would never get tired off. It felt good to be on the stage again, to be on tour again. But not everyone gets to have everything they want.

You were sitting on your sofa, getting lost in thought as the TV played some old episodes of your favorite show as background noise of your own pity party. It’s been two months since Ashton went away on tour with his band again, and even though you knew this made him happy, you always hated when he had to leave.

The feeling of loneliness crept in two weeks and a half ago, when he started to miss your calls and texted you only once a day. You knew he was busy, you knew he must be tired, but so are you.

You understand that this is his job, you’ve been through this before, but the separation was never easy. You always worried about his safety, how he’s dealing with stuff and if he ever misses you or if he had someone else he’d rather be with while you were away and tucked under your shared sheets in LA. He always came through though, pushing those thoughts away by reassuring his love, either by facetime or a simple call. But you haven’t seen him or heard of him in so long that you couldn’t help but drown yourself in a pity parade for one. You miss him, you need him. And it’s still so long until you could see each other again.

A notification on your phone pulls you away for a while, it takes a few moments before you realize that it was in fact your phone and not a trick of your mind. You jump right to it, thinking, hoping that it would be Ashton trying to call you or even a simple text. The beating of your heart ran like a horse before you could even register that it was just a notification from instagram, you just saw his name and quickly swiped to open it.

@ ashtonirwin: Thank you for singing with us xx

The post was simple, you could see the crowd going wild as Andy took a photo of the boys in their element. Ashton was smiling behind his drum kit, taking in the scenery of a thousand screaming fans that were there just to see them, to sing with them. And it hurt you.

It hurts not being there. Not being the one that was at the other end of the smile, and oh, how you miss that smile.

You opened the camera roll, forgetting to put a like on the post as your mind decided to add some salt to the wound. You scrolled a few pictures down until you found what you were looking for: A video of Ashton.

His smile was clear even before you pressed play. You remember the day he sent that to you, it was at the beginning of the tour and you were feeling a little needy, so he decided to send you this while you were asleep. He knew it would make you feel better once you woke up. And it did.

It was a simple video of him just talking to the camera, but it always made you feel better and you hope this time it will as you pressed play.

“Hey, darling” Ashton said with a smile so wide you could see every dimple and wrinkle on his face “I hope you’re good tonight, I know you don’t feel right when I’m leaving… It’s not easy for me either, being away from you and being unable to kiss you and cuddle you like we do. I miss you, dear”

The sadness in his voice moved you and you wished you were there with him, doing your best to push that sadness away. “Tour’s going great so far, I really wish you were here to see it. But you will be, one day and it will be awesome. But I can’t come back home till they’re singing, and oh, how amazing it is to hear them sing back at us, it’s almost as beautiful as to hear you sing to me one of our songs, even if it’s to mock our oldest songs” His smile lit up the screen ashe giggled “Just wait till I get home, baby. It won’t be long now, I swear. I love you”

“I love you” You whispered to the face on the screen as the video stopped.

The tears were rolling down your face and you couldn’t do anything to stop it. The video always helped to make you feel better but, somehow, it just made missing him worse.

It wasn’t enough, you needed him. You needed him and he was MIA, the only news you get from him are from social media and you couldn’t handle it anymore.

You couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same.

Ashton was laying in his bunk bed, smiling as he scrolled down twitter to read the reactions to tonight’s concert. It was one of their best and he was very proud of the energy they put on stage for the world to see.

He always enjoyed tour life, visiting new cities and countries every night, giving his all in all the concerts and spending time with his best friends. It was all he ever wanted since he was a kid and now he was able to experience it.

“Hey, Ash!” Luke called his attention from the bunk across the small hall “Could you tell Y/N that Sierra wants to talk? She said it was something about a recipe but it seems like she can’t get in touch with them”

Ashton frowned, you were never the one to shy away from their friends, always being the most social one of the two of them “Uh, yeah. Sure man”

“Thanks, and tell Y/N we are missing them, it’s been too long since we saw each other”

‘It has been a long time’ Ashton thought, or at least it seemed like it because he was sure he sent a text earlier today and…

Ashton’s expression froze when he saw that he didn’t text you today, or yesterday or the day before that. He didn’t even respond to your last text.

Y/N: Tell me something sweet to get me by.

How long ago was that? Why didn’t he notice before?

A feeling of guilt ran through him, feeling disgusted at himself for forgetting about you, the most important thing in his life. How could he? You must’ve been feeling low that day to text him something like that, he knew how much you hated when he had to leave. You didn’t text him after that, maybe you were okay now, but he still needed to talk to you, to apologize.

He sighed when he saw what time it was, now it wasn’t time for a facetime call, knowing that you were probably asleep by now. He would apologize to you in the morning.

Little did he know that you were still awake, sobbing and calling out his name through your cries.

You woke up when the sunlight hit your face. You furrowed your eyebrows at your surroundings, realizing that you fell asleep on the couch. Luckily it was a Saturday, so you had no other responsibilities other than crying yourself to sleep for maybe the tenth time in a row?

You knew it wasn’t fair, for you or for him, to be enduring this kind of pain. But if you meant a lot to him, why hasn’t he responded? or calling to check up on you? This place felt lonelier by the minute, his mugs were in the cupboard, some of his clothes were in the closet, his music room remains untouched and yet it seemed like he was never here at all to begin with, just a ghost of his memory floating around to remind you of what you were missing.

You felt the tears about to crash down again, but you had no energy left in your body to cry. You were exhausted, needy, lonely and down right miserable while the love of your life was living his best life without you in it.

Ashton was living his best life, but he still felt something was missing. He sat down on the couch the venue offered, it wasn’t as comfortable as he would expect but it didn’t matter. He knew he had to talk to you.

He has been a shitty boyfriend lately, he understood and hated that. You didn’t deserve to be pushed aside like he did and he felt awful. So, with his heart in his sleeve, hoping you’ll forgive him and that you were okay, he picked up the phone and called.

Ashton heard the beeping tone three times before you decided to answer “...Hey, sweety” You said with a sigh.

Ashton could tell you were sad, a punch in the guts hurt less than hearing your voice so small and defeated. “Hey, darling,” He said,making his tone a little bit more uplifting, thinking it might help “How are you? Sierra said that you weren’t answering your phone, is everything okay?”

Hearing his voice, his cheerful tone as if nothing has happened or as if this wasn’t the first time in weeks that you’ve heard of him, hurt more than you could ever expect. You felt silent tears rolling down your face as you contemplated what to say about that.

“I just-”

“Ash, we need you for soundcheck” A voice said on the other line.

Ashton raised his hand, annoyed at the interruption, asking the boys to wait a second. He needed to hear from you first. All three of the guys backed up immediately when they saw the serious expression on the drummer’s face.

“Sorry, love. I think the boys need me” He said, hoping you wouldn’t get mad.

“But, what about me?” You asked before you realized what was coming out of your mouth.

“What?” Ashton said with a concerning tone.

“I need you here, Ashton” You cried, unable to keep the tears at bay anymore “I need you here tonight, and I know that you don’t wanna be leaving and I get it, I swear I totally get it and I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, it’s okay that you want this”

Hearing you cry through the phone broke Ashton’s heart. He did this, he caused this. How could he neglect you like that?

“I want it but I don’t need it” He quickly reassured you.

“Yes, you want it. But I can’t help it, I-” Your voice shook “I just feel complete when you’re by my side. I know I can be needy sometimes and believe me, I hate that as much as you do, probably. But, Ash, I haven’t heard from you in weeks! Yes, a morning text now and then but sweety, I don’t think you understand how bad this hurts”

Ashton felt the tears burning in his eyes, your broken voice sounded like an echo in his head, making him wish he could go back and fix his mistakes, to take all your pain away.

“Do you know how hard it is to be in this house alone, not knowing if you are okay or if you miss me? I found myself walking around aimlessly, trying to hold on to the memory of you here, to even a hint that I wasn’t dreaming when I held you close because it’s been so long and I don’t think I can take it anymore. Knowing that you can’t come home till they’re singing, till everyone is singing back at you”

“B-baby-” Ashton said, not caring that he sounded desperate, because he was. He didn’t like where this conversation was going “Baby, I know I fucked up, big time. But don’t you ever doubt that you are the most important thing to me, I swear. Darling, if you-” He said, swallowing the lump in his throat “If you can wait till I get home, I swear that when tomorrow comes this will all be in our past”

You stared blankly ahead as you heard him say those things. It broke you to your core, but you knew what you had to do. It was the best for both of you.

“Ash, you know you can’t give me what I need. Not right now and I can’t ask that from you, I would never ask that from you and you know it. Even though you mean so much to me, I need you to be happy, I need to be happy and maybe we thought that we could find happiness together but Ash, this ain’t it”

“Darling, wait-”

“I love you, but I can’t wait through everything. I can’t keep crying myself to sleep every night wishing for a text, a call, a sign that you are okay. And I can’t ask you to give up your life just to be with me, we both know it’s not going to work and we’ll be miserable-”

“Is this really happening?” Ashton interrupted you.

He was pacing back and forth in the little room, tears falling freely as he understood the words you were trying to say. You were leaving him. You were leaving him and he couldn't blame you. He knew it was too much to ask but he hoped… if he had tried hard enough, if he hadn’t neglected you the way that he did and invalidating you by not acknowledging your feelings, maybe this wouldn’t be the outcome of his mistakes.

“I love you,” He pleaded.

“Ash…”

“No, Y/N!” I know, I fucked up but please! Please, darling, don't leave me” He begged “I swear I’ll never be happy again, not even if we stay friends so don’t even dare to say that. Y/N. I love you. I love you, darling. You are the love of my life and -” He choked, overwhelmed with grief of what he just lost.

“Ash, please don’t make it harder” You cried, silently as your heart broke in a thousand pieces “We knew it’d happen eventually”

“No we fucking didn’t! I didn’t! I want you in my life, Y/N. And I know I sucked at letting you see that but- I swear, if you can wait till I get home, I swear we can make this last, baby. Please”

You stayed silent, wanting to be able to believe him right now, but knowing this was for the best, even if it hurt, it’s what needed to be done so both of you could be happy. And you want nothing more than for him to be happy and free to do whatever he wants, even if it breaks your heart.

“Goodbye, Ash. I love you” You said, voice breaking at the end “I’ll always love you”

“Y/N, don’t-” He pleaded one last time before you ended the call “FUCK” He yelled, throwing the phone to god knows where.

He lost you.

Luke, Calum and Michael came running towards the room when they heard Ashton yell. However, they didn’t expect to find their friend sitting on the floor, sobbing as he started to hyperventilate.

“Mate, what happened?” Ashton took a big breath.

“I fucked up, Cal” He said with a voice as broken as his heart “I fucked up and I don’t know if I can fix it”

Part 2

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star-six7 · 5 years ago

Text

I’ll Stand Up With You Forever

Andy Biersack x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Word Count: 1461

Request: Can you write an Andy Biersack imagine on a honeymoon?

A/N: This is my longest one yet! I really enjoyed writing this; if you guys have any more requests for any band listed in my bio, please send them in!

Disclaimer: This is entirely a work of fiction. No part of this story is meant to be libel, slander, or in any way derogatory towards any character’s real life counterpart. I’m not delusional; I know that these characters are simply based off of a public persona and may not actually resemble the people behind those personas. Any additional characters that you do not recognize are entirely fictional, unless otherwise stated. And finally, if you got here by Googling yourself, whatever happens next is 100% on you.

You closed your eyes and sighed happily, settling back into your seat. The flight from Cincinnati to Maui was a long one, and you didn’t want to be jet-lagged all week. Today marked your first full day of being married to one Andrew Dennis Biersack, and it was also going to be the first day of your two-week long honeymoon in Hawaii. Needless to say, you were the happiest you had ever been. You replayed the highlights of your wedding (and the night after) as the plane taxied down the runway, smiling. It was an amazing feeling to know that you had the rest of your life to keep making those kinds of memories with Andy, and you couldn’t wait.

Andy couldn’t wait either, but even more so, he couldn’t wait for the plane to take off. Or land. Or both. He kept leaning over you to peer out the window. You wondered if his legs or his back felt cramped, given his height, but when you opened your eyes, he was grinning.

“What’s up?” You smiled back at him, raising an eyebrow.

“I can’t believe we’re finally married! I can’t believe we’re going on our honeymoon. Can you believe it? I can’t.”

You laughed quietly at his enthusiasm, glancing down at your own wedding band. “Are you sure you don’t want the window seat?” You asked him, gesturing at the setting sun.

“Why would I need the window seat when the best view is sitting right next to me?” He smirked.

You blushed, slightly giddy that he still managed to take your breath away after all these years. “Thank you,” you mumbled. “I’m gonna try and sleep now, okay? I wanna be awake for at least some of our honeymoon.”

“So… we’re not joining the Mile High Club?”

You groaned and covered your face with the in-flight magazine.

“Come on babe, don’t you want to get with an extremely handsome rockstar?” He winked exaggeratedly.

“Actually, yes, do you know any?” You lowered the magazine and grinned at him.

“I’m hurt,” he said, feigning disappointment. “But after years of knowing you, I am definitely not shocked.”

“Well,” you said, leaning your head back against the seat, eyes closed. “Go to sleep. We have the rest of our lives to try again.”

---

After twelve hours and some change, the plane touched down. You had managed to get a decent amount of sleep, even with Andy’s fidgeting and restlessness. However, taking off during a sunset and landing half a day later during the same one due to the time zones was enough to throw off anybody’s internal clock, and therefore, make them a bit grumpy.

You frowned as Andy led you to the rental car, luggage in tow. “Can’t we just check in at the hotel and go to bed? My body is telling me it’s six am!”

“Nope!” he said, grinning far too brightly for someone who hadn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours. “Can’t get off schedule!”

You sighed as he kissed your cheek and started humming lightly as he drove. While you had taken care of most of the smaller details of your actual wedding and reception, Andy had been in charge of the honeymoon. You had both decided on a destination, and you had given your input on some of the activities you were looking forward to (at least, those that took place outside of the bedroom), but Andy did the bulk of the work as far as making reservations and planning an itinerary. And Andy loved planning itineraries.

Every trip you had gone on as a couple, Andy had meticulously outlined every day of it, almost down to every hour. This could be both a blessing and a curse, because while it was nice to have a plan, Andy was pretty insistent on sticking to it. You had joked before that he should plan the mission timelines for NASA. He just laughed and said that years of being in a far-traveling, highly successful rock band following a strict tour schedule had drilled it into him, and besides you were stuck with him, weren’t you? Yes, you thought now, looking back down at the ring on your finger, you were stuck with him, and you couldn’t be happier.

The jolt of Andy putting the car into park snapped you out of your reminiscing, as you looked around, taking in the restaurant he had pulled up to.

“Come on, I know this will make you feel better! I looked up the menu a few weeks ago, and I think you’ll love it!”

You just smiled, shaking your head. Of course he did. “You know I love you, right?”

“Of course I do. And you know I love you too.” He put his arm through yours and led you inside.

---

Andy was right, like always. Eating delicious food while looking out over a stunning view of the ocean did wonders to your mood, not to mention simply just talking and laughing with Andy and being with him. Soon, it was time to pick up the check and head back to the hotel.

You had parked in the basement lot of the building, but Andy grabbed your arm when you went to get the suitcases out of the back of the trunk.

“Wait,” he said, a playful look coming across his face. “We should do something first.”

“Huh? What about the schedule?” You edged out of his grasp. “I’m still in my plane clothes. And besides, don’t you wanna do something in our room?” You added a note of flirtation in your voice.

“No, it’s- I mean, yes! Yes, I wanna do bedroom activities, but-” And then he grabbed your hand and started sprinting towards the exit.

“Andy, what-” you tried, stumbling to keep up.

He just laughed and stopped to pick you up and swing you over his shoulder. “You’re too slow, come on!”

By this point, the sun had set over the island, but Andy navigated the dark path through the hotel grounds with ease. He skittered sideways through an open gate and down a sandy concrete walkway towards what you realized was the beach.

“Andrew! You better not be planning on throwing me in the water or I swear-”

“Good idea,” he laughed, “but no. You should take off your shoes.” He set you down on the sand.

You complied, as he did the same, and then you waded out into the surf with him. You watched Andy as he immediately began searching for shells to give you, knowing how much you loved to collect them. All of a sudden, the entirety of the past few days started to catch up with you all at once. While there wasn’t any scientific proof of fate, or soulmates, or anything like that, you couldn’t help but feel like every decision, every event, in both your life and Andy’s had led you to this exact moment. Standing knee deep in water, alone on the beach at night, with the moon shining down on the two of you as you tried not to get soaked by the incoming tide. Every disappointment and roadblock you had experienced snapped into place, and now you could appreciate them for where they had gotten you. You admired the way the moonlight glinted off Andy’s smile, the way his arms had felt around you moments ago, and the way his laugh sounded over the waves. You knew that there would certainly be more challenges in the course of your life, but you knew you could get through them with someone as kind, talented, smart, beautiful, and loving as Andy by your side.

Suddenly, you were pulled back into reality by the shock of ocean water down your front. Whirling to your right, you saw Andy standing next to you with the most see-through attempt of a look of innocence on his face. However, you couldn’t find it in you to pretend to be annoyed.

“Hey, so, if you missed it the first five times, I found you a-”

“Andy.” You cut him off. “Um. I know I only said it a million times yesterday, but… I really love you. And I’m so glad you’re in my life, forever now…”

Unwittingly, you felt yourself starting to tear up.

“Hey,” Andy said, moving closer, wrapping his arms around your waist and shoulders. “I know, I love you too, and you complete me. That’s kinda why we got married, remember?”

You chuckled, smiling up at him. “I’m glad that we’re having this moment and everything, but it’s getting cold…”

“You’re right,” he said, taking your hand in his. He glanced wistfully up at the hotel, a sly smile appearing on his face. “Maybe we should go take advantage of the honeymoon suite.”

A/N: Thank you for reading my work! If you enjoyed it, please comment and let me know what you liked about it or what your favorite part was! Also, feel free to send in requests! :)

#andy biersack imagine #andy biersack x reader #bvb imagine #black veil brides imagine #andy biersack #black veil brides #imagine #reader insert #x reader #bandom imagine #bandom #band imagine

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myveryownfanfiction · 5 years ago

Photo

Chapter 3

I smiled as I looked at Robert. He looked so hopeful and I realized I was quickly falling for him.

“Yes you get a second date.” I said softly. Robert grinned as he lifted my hand closer to his face. He gently kissed my knuckles before pulling me close and into a tight hug. I grinned madly as I hugged him back.

“I had so much fun tonight.” Robert whispered. “More fun than I’ve had in awhile. Thank you.” I sighed happily as I relaxed more into the hug. Robert pulled away slowly before smiling at me. “How’s tomorrow after work?” I nodded and laughed.

“As long as you don’t ask me to leave early again.” I teased. Robert smirked and took a step forward, blocking me between him and my car. His hand rested on the car door.

“Take tomorrow off.” Robert’s voice dropped. My eyes widened.

“Are you serious?” I gasped. Robert nodded as he took another step towards me.

“I’ll pay your salary.” He reached up and cupped my cheek. I leaned into his touch slightly and bit my lip. “No wait that makes it sound illegal.” He chuckled. I nodded as he started to rub my cheekbone gently. “I’ll buy whatever you want. Even if it goes over what I pay you to work here.” I reached out and put my arms around Robert’s waist. His eyebrow raised.

“You’re really serious about this.” I said with conviction. Robert nodded. “Ok then. I’ll take tomorrow off.” I smiled as Robert reached up to brush some hair back.

“I’ll text you where to meet me.” He said before leaning in to kiss my cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow (Y/N).” Robert pulled back and walked over to his car before backing up and tearing out of the parking lot. I sloughed against my car, grabbing the car door to keep myself from falling to the ground. When I had finally collected myself, I got in my car and drove home. I got ready for bed before plugging in my phone and smiling at the thought of seeing Robert again tomorrow. I decided to text him before going to bed.

‘I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.’ I hit send and settled into bed. I watched as the little dots appeared before being replaced by his message.

‘I can’t wait either.’ I smiled before typing out my response.

‘Anything in particular I should wear?’ I put my phone on my nightstand before turning out the light and settling back down. I reached for my phone as Robert’s text came through.

‘Just dress like you would if you were going to the mall.’ I started to type out my next message when Robert sent another. ‘You might want to bring a bathing suit. I managed to get an agreement with the soon to be ex Mrs. California to have the house for the weekend.’ I giggled at the eye roll emoji he used before adding to my original message.

‘Sounds like a plan. I know just what I’m going to wear. Wait...you have a pool?’ After sending the message I opened my notes and wrote down what I would need to take to Robert’s as I no longer knew what to expect. I also set my alarm for a little later as I did not need to go into work.

‘Yes I do. Well did.’ I smiled as I imagined Robert’s reaction to my text. ‘You better get some rest (Y/N). I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good night x’

‘Good night Robert x’ I sent before putting my phone back down and settling in for the night. I drifted off with a smile on my face. I woke up to my phone ringing. Blinking at the bright light, I groaned at the time before answering it.

“Hello?” I asked groggily. I rubbed my eyes before flopping on my back.

“(Y/N)? Where are you?” Jim asked. I sighed as I looked at the time again.

“Robert gave me the day off. I was sleeping.” I groaned. I heard Jim chuckle. This wasn’t the first time he had woken me up on one of my days off. “Please tell me that you don’t need me to come in.” I heard murmuring on the other end.

“No. You don’t need to come in. I think we all know why Robert wanted to give you the day off.” Jim sighed. “Andy was just a little concerned. We figured that since the warehouse crew quit…” I cut off Jim.

“Wait what do you mean the warehouse crew quit?” I asked, shocked. “Why did they do that?” I sat up quickly.

“They won the lotto.” I heard Pam answer. “You’re on speaker by the way.” I rolled my eyes at the obvious.

“No I didn’t quit. I have a reason I’m not there and no it isn’t what you think Jim.” I explained. I heard a couple chuckles on the other end.

“It’s ok (Y/N). You can tell us.” Meredith’s voice carried over the line. I rubbed my forehead, urging the oncoming headache to stop before it started. “We won’t tell anyone.” There were groans of protest from everyone before Meredith walked off in a huff.

“So what’s it come to? What did they each win?” I asked as I layed back again.

“Oh man, it’s gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars.” Jim said.

“Awesome.” Pam and I said at the same time.

“Before taxes.” Dwight informed us.

“That’s still a lot of money.” Phyllis reminded everyone.

“What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery.” Oscar said. “This will not end well. Right?”

“Yeah.” Everyone agreed with him.

“We’re looking at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.” Meredith chimed back in.

“At least.” I said. “Well before everyone starts fantasizing about what they would do with that much money, I’m going to try to get some more sleep before starting my day. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” I hung up my phone and checked the time again. Realizing my alarm would go off soon anyway I turned it off and got out of bed. I sent a quick text to Robert before jumping in the shower. I went as fast as I could and walked back into my bedroom wearing only a towel. I checked my phone and smiled at Robert’s text.

‘Morning sweetheart. I can’t wait to see you later today.’ I wrote down the address he sent in a separate text before replying.

‘I can’t wait either. Although are you sure that you don’t have to deal with the warehouse crew quitting?’ While I waited for his response, I pulled out my bathing suit to pack for later. I looked through my closet for the perfect outfit to wear. Nothing seemed to catch my attention until I reached the black ripped skinny jeans in the back of my closet. I smiled as I pulled them out and looked for a shirt to go with them. A text distracted me from my pursuit.

‘What do you mean the warehouse crew quit?’ I rolled my eyes. Of course everyone at the office would keep it to themselves about the little set back.

‘Jim called me this morning to see if I was a part of the group that won the lottery yesterday. Apparently the warehouse crew won and decided they didn’t need to work at Dunder Mifflin anymore.’ I quickly filled him in before going back to my search for the perfect shirt. I found it and pulled it out. I was halfway through getting ready when Robert texted me again.

‘There. Andy is in charge of it. Problem solved.’ I laughed and decided to call him. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” His voice drifted over my speaker as I finished getting ready.

“You kept distracting me from getting ready. So I solved the problem.” I laughed. Robert’s laugh joined mine and I couldn’t stop the smile that was growing. I put my phone in my back pocket and returned to the closet to pull out some shoes.

“You’re the one who was asking me about work.” Robert teased.

“I know. I know.” I conceded. “I just wanted to make sure that we wouldn’t have to go in when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves.” There was silence on the other end and I pulled my phone out of my pocket to make sure that I hadn’t accidentally ended the call. I hadn’t. “Robert?” I asked when there was still no response.

“You still want to spend the whole day with me in my soon to be ex-wife’s house?” Robert finally said. “Uninterrupted?” I bit back my giggle, knowing it wouldn’t be helpful in this situation.

“Yes Robert.” I said calmly. “I’ve been looking forward to it actually.” I heard him sigh with relief on the other end.

“How soon can you get here?” he asked. I could hear the tension in his voice.

“I can leave in ten minutes.” I said as I quickly pulled out a pair of combat boots and laced them up. “Are you there already?” I heard a muffled voice on the other end before Robert sighed again.

“Unfortunately.” He muttered. “As much as it pains me I have to go sweetheart. I will see you soon.” I bit my lip as Robert ended the call. I assumed the muffled voice was his soon to be ex-wife and couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy that was bubbling up.

“It’s probably just so he can get the keys.” I murmured to myself as I finished packing my bag. I thought about packing a change of clothes just in case. I shook my head and zipped up the bag. Looking around the room, I pocketed my phone and headed to the front door. I picked up my keys before turning around and walking back into my room. I grumbled as I grabbed another shirt and pair of jeans from the closet and threw them in my bag along with my charger. Zipping it up and shouldering it, I made my way out the front door. I eagerly got into my car and put the address that Robert had given me into the GPS. The entire ride over, I was smiling with excitement as I got out of my car even though there was still a shred of jealousy swimming around in my head. I knocked on the door and bit my lip as I waited. The door opened, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Hi!” I said, nerves making my voice shaky. The woman that opened the door raised an eyebrow and turned back towards the inside of the house.

“Robert! Get your ass over here!” She yelled into the house. I watched as she tapped her nails against the doorframe and I gripped my bag a little tighter. She eyed me as I nervously fidgeted and I gave her a nervous smile. Robert appeared behind her and he gave me a warm smile before turning to look at her.

“What?” he snarked. I bit my lip as he held out his hand for me. I took it and he pulled me into the house. “I told you I was having a guest. This is my guest.” I tried not to giggle as Robert pulled me into him and wrapped his arm around me.

“You can’t be serious.” Robert smirked at the woman that was now blocking the door.

“Oh come on.” He teased. “You’re not jealous are you?” He laughed as he tugged me a little closer. “If you are, that’s just too bad.” He looked her up and down before licking his lips. I kept my eyes on him as the woman who had answered the door scared me. “You made your choice perfectly clear when you chose to bring YOUR date back here the day you knew I would be coming back from Florida.” The woman’s nostrils flared and her face turned red while Robert looked smug. “So if you’d be so kind to leave us the house like you said you would, we have some things to attend to.” Letting go of me, Robert slowly walked towards the woman who kept backing up until she was out of the door. “Good-bye.” He slammed the door in her face before busting up laughing. I smiled at him as he made his way back to me. “That felt so damn good!” he laughed. I shook my head at him.

“How long have you been waiting to do that?” I giggled as I asked. Robert took my bag and hung it over his shoulder. I took his free hand and let him gently pull me through the house. Robert looked over at me with a big grin.

“Probably since a month after we got married.” He shrugged. “I’ll never understand what it was about her that I was attracted to. If I’m being honest it was probably the sex but even that lost whatever it was that made it good.” I moved closer and hugged his arm.

“So why did you stick around so long?” I asked quietly. Robert bit his lip as he pushed a door open and tossed my bag on the bed. He looked down at my arms entwined around his.

“I’m not entirely sure if I’m being honest.” He murmured. “It was probably because she was one of the few people that would put up with me. Or that she never really judged me.” I squeezed his hand and rested my head on his shoulder. “I knew she was sleeping around. Hell I was too.”

“Then why divorce her now?” I asked quietly. Robert turned towards me and gently pulled me over to the bed. Sitting down, he put his hands on my waist. I rested my hands on his shoulders and he looked up at me.

“Something snapped. The last guy,” Robert shook his head. “She brought him back here and I caught them. It was real all of a sudden. It didn’t help that he was an old partner at the company I left for Dunder Mifflin.” I gently gripped the material on his shoulders. “Thing is, I had somehow known it was going to be him. Not some random guy.. He shrugged. “I guess that is the price I pay for basically doing the same thing when I started with her.” My eyes widened and Robert shook his head. “I’m not doing that with you. Me and her were over before I even laid eyes on you. It just took that one event to push us over the finish line. We were already getting a divorce before I met you.”

“You said when you got back from Florida.” I said, confusion spilling into my tone. “But I thought,” Robert cut me off.

“I got back from Florida a week before I met you. I went back down after I arrived at the office and then I came back that day I met you. The divorce was already being worked out before I even arrived at the office.” Robert comforted me. I nodded as he pulled me closer. “(Y/N), I swear it is going to be different between us. No sleeping around. No running around all the time. No cutting you out. If you want to continue this, that is.” I nodded as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I want to continue this.” I whispered. Robert smiled up at me. “I believe you. I trust you. And I won’t do any of that to you. Ever.” He pulled me into his lap and I giggled at the action.

“That is incredibly good to hear.” He said as he rested his head against mine. “Do you want to stay the whole weekend? I realized I never actually asked you that.” I laughed as I started to run my fingers through Robert’s hair.

“I’m going to have to go back to my house to grab some extra clothes but yeah. I’d love to spend the weekend here with you.” Robert pressed a kiss to my cheek before hugging me tighter. “It just isn’t fair to leave you all alone in this giant house all weekend.” I teased. Robert chuckled before pulling back from me. “It isn’t!” My voice rose slowly as Robert stood up with me in his arms.

“That’s what you say now.” He teased back as he walked through the house. I saw the backyard through the glass doors. “What about later?” I quickly flung my arms around his neck and held on tightly.

“Robert!” I cried as he started to laugh. “Don’t you dare!” He smiled at me as he adjusted his grip on me.

“Dare what?” He chuckled at my reaction as I attempted to move closer to him.

“At least let me put my bathing suit on!” Robert backed into the door and turned back towards the pool. “Robert, my clothes are going to get all wet!” He laughed as he walked over to the edge of the pool. I tried to maneuver myself so I was on his back instead but Robert’s grip tightened on me.

“Then I’ll put them in the dryer.” Robert said. I held onto him for dear life. “Do you want me to put you down sweetheart?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed. Robert started to drop me. “But not in the…” My sentence was cut off by a splash. I surfaced and Robert laughed as I pushed my hair out of my face. “Pool.” Robert doubled over with laughter and I bit the inside of my lip.

“You should have seen the look on your face.” He gasped out. I bit my lip a little harder before I got an idea.

“Oh yeah?” I asked. “You should see the look on yours.” He looked up at me before he was covered in the miniwave that I created with my arm. I laid back in the water and laughed. Robert wiped the excess water off of his face before smiling down at me. Robert shook his head and chuckled.

“I should have seen that coming.” He shook his head. I moved to the edge of the pool and smiled up at him.

“Yes you should have.” I giggled. Robert squatted down in front of me and brushed a piece of hair off of my cheek. I smiled at him as I pushed back from the wall and carefully reached below the water to pull off my pants. I successfully removed them and tossed them at Robert. They hit his leg and he looked at me in awe. I took the moment of shock to remove my top and threw it at him as well. I ducked below the water to hide my blush and avoid Robert’s reaction. When I broke the surface, I pushed my hair out of my face. I swallowed when I saw the look on Robert’s face. I bit my lip as I watched him slowly unzip his track jacket and take it off.

“If that’s how you want to play it.” He deadpanned. I took in what he looked like and nodded. “Alright then.” He smirked and pulled down his pants before jumping into the pool. I stayed where I was and let him come to me. My cheeks grew even redder as he put his hands on my waist. He kept his eyes level with mine.

“I did not expect you to do that.” I murmured. Robert cocked his head and chewed on the inside of his lip. I noticed he did that a lot when he was thinking.

“Is this alright?” He asked softly. I put my hands on his shoulders as I nodded.

“More than alright.” I said. “I just didn’t expect it. Although with you I should expect the unexpected.” Robert chuckled before gently tugging me towards him. I let him pick me up underwater and wrapped my legs around his waist. I smiled as his hands settled on the small of my back. Robert looked at me lovingly and I blushed under his constant gaze.

“This beats having to deal with the warehouse crew doesn’t it?” He asked. I nodded again as I gently ran my fingers through his slowly curling hair.

“Yeah.” I said absentmindedly. “It does.” Robert smiled gently at me again before leaning in slowly. I stayed where I was and waited. It was like time stood still as he kissed me for the first time. My fingers stopped moving and remained entangled in his hair as his grip tightened on me. Any nerves I had about spending the rest of the weekend with Robert dissipated when we pulled away and looked into each other’s eyes. “That really beats it.” I murmured. Robert smiled and started walking to the wall of the pool.

“I concur.” He said as he sat me on the edge of the pool. I kept my legs wrapped around him and removed my fingers from his hair. We settled into a comfortable silence before I broke it.

“Will there be more of that this weekend?” I asked, my voice coming out small and hopeful. Robert kissed me gently again before answering.

“There will definitely be more of that this weekend.” he said, his breath fanning over my lips. I smiled at the feeling. “And even more of it in the coming weeks.” He kissed me again, almost sealing away the promise of something more to come. We stayed out in the pool, making out and enjoying the warmth of the day. When the sun had moved overhead, we got out of the pool and Robert collected our clothes. He moved through the house with ease and I had to remind myself that he had lived here for awhile before moving into his apartment. “Do you have a change of clothes?” Robert asked as he noticed me in the doorway, still wrapped in the towel that he had given me. I shrugged.

“What if I don’t?” I asked, curious to see what his response would be. He took my hand and led me back to the bedroom. Pulling out his suitcase from under the bed, he took out a shirt and a pair of boxers.

“They’re going to be big but they should work until your clothes are dry at least.” He held them out to me and I gaped at him. “What?” He looked at me confused before trying to put the clothes in my hand. “Don’t you need clothes?” I slowly shook my head and Robert lowered the clothes to the bed.

“I just wanted to see what you would do.” I said. “I didn’t expect you to give me something to wear out of your own suitcase.” He chuckled and picked at a stray string on the shirt.

“Well I wasn’t going to give you something of hers.” He motioned behind him to a closet undoubtedly filled with his ex’s clothes. There was a tense silence that settled over us. “I feel like an idiot now.” He said as he finally looked at me. I shook my head and took the clothes. I kissed his cheek and walked into the ensuite bathroom. I stripped out of my undergarments and put on Robert’s clothes. I used the towel to dry my hair some more before walking back out of the bathroom.

“How do I look?” I asked as I leaned against the doorway. Robert looked over at me before giving me a small smile. He nodded as he took me in and I noticed him biting his lip again. I smiled as I made my way into the room and walked right up to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist before leaning in to kiss him. Robert relaxed into the kiss and let out a small whine as we pulled away. “Thank you.” He nodded slowly.

“It’s awkward isn’t it?” He asked. I cocked my head.

“What is?” I asked. Robert looked around the room.

“Being here instead of my apartment.” He looked back at me. “Or yours.” I shrugged as I ran my hand up his back.

“A little.” I agreed. “But once we get comfortable around each other like this, it won't be as awkward. It’ll be a little rebellious. Making out in your ex’s house and sleeping in her bed. Swimming in her pool and eating her food.” I shrugged again before giving him a quick kiss. “Sounds like fun to me.” Robert chuckled lowly as he pulled me tighter against him.

“Sounds like fun to me too darling.” He said before pulling me onto the bed with him. And it was the most fun weekend I had had in a long time.

#Robert California #robert california imagine #robert california x reader #robert california fanfic #robert california fanfiction #james spader #james spader imagine #james spader fanfic #james spader fanfiction #james spader x reader #the office #the office fanfiction #the office fanfic #the office imagine #the office x reader

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olderjodijournals · 4 months ago

Text

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1994

I just got out of the shower and now Tom’s in the shower. He’s going to go to work and come home around 9:00 or so, take me to get stuck, then drop me off and go to work again till the usual time.

Yesterday I typed up two more documents for Tom and now I’m going to go do up another one.

Later…

I did 3 more documents. Arthur, Larry and Nicolena. I have 14 more to go. I also finished typing 26 and it’s printing out right now.

The EKG and blood work took no time at all. If it were an Access doctor’s office, I’d still be there. If there ever was a time to be the most grateful I’m not on Access, then that’s today. We picked up 3 Azmacort inhalers and when I went to go pee, I set it on the back of the toilet. I hadn’t assembled it yet, so the tube that contains the medicine rolled off and got flushed down the toilet.

Later…

How nice of them. I just got a card for both of us saying: Happy first Chanukah together - enjoy the season - love David, Evie and Nickolena.

I guess most people do count the start when the knot is tied, cuz technically this is our second Chanukah together.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1994

Tom’s taking a quick shower now while our Hamburger Helper is cooking. It’s simmering right now, actually.

He took the plastic square out of my closet spider trap so its hinges could settle down on their own like the one in the living room. At this time of year, I won’t have to worry about spiders coming down through it. When it gets light I’ll stand in my closet with the door shut and see how much light I see. The attic gets light through the turbines.

After Tom eats, he’ll shave and be off to work at 5:30.

I think I’ll go start another document.

A few more things first. Andy said he was going to have Elaine mail me something from Springfield, so I wouldn’t recognize the handwriting, but he forgot my address. He said he’ll mail it from here, so maybe I’ll hear from him today in the mail. I remember him mentioning a coupon for my coffee, but I don’t know what else he wanted to send. He said there were about 3 things. He did try calling Fran from Springfield, but his phone was disconnected. Is this why he’s been such a good boy? Oh, I hope not cuz that may mean he’ll try calling as soon as he gets a phone. But then why didn’t he try before he lost it? And why hasn’t he tried from someone else’s phone? Maybe he’s in trouble. I always felt it was just a matter of time before he got in big trouble where he’s put away for some time.

I said I was going to let my nails grow out, but I cut them as usual. It’s just so much easier to type and do other stuff with them short. I also cut my bangs. I don’t have the patience to style them every day till they grow out and they looked pretty awful. Later!

Later…

Tom’s on the phone right now talking to Geri who left a message about a computer question.

I straightened up the back room today, dusted and cleaned the bathroom. I want to get some of the rigorous cleaning out of the way, so I don’t have to worry about it during those two weeks after surgery.

I had a hell of a scare today. Well, I did a small load of laundry which I went to hang out to dry. Suddenly it felt like something was jabbing and pinching my lower legs. I figured it was pieces of grass as it’s pretty coarse when it goes dormant. When I looked down, though, there were tons of ants all over me, biting the shit out of me.

I ran in and ran water in the tub all over my legs. I took the clothes and threw them in the pool in the basket afterward. Then I took them out, wrung them out and threw them back in the washer. In the meantime, I have a couple of pairs of socks and underwear out on the line. Tom will get them when it’s light out.

Another taste of Arizona today. The ants back east don’t bite at all. I called Mom cuz I couldn’t call Tom when the ant ordeal went down. She told me to run water all over and put on lotion. I took a long hot bath.

I talked with Tammy, too. Mainly about the surgery. I do have some preoperative jitters. They never called about yesterday’s tests, so I assume all’s OK with me.

I also typed up the Ray document today and more than half of journal 27.

I wrote down my parents, Tammy’s and Andy’s numbers, so Tom can call them from wherever. Either from the hospital or from here at home.

Bob must be hard up for money and stamps. His letters have been dwindling.

Well, I’ve got to get myself to bed real soon, so till tomorrow!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1994

I finished typing up 27. I just wrote another letter to Bob and just remembered how I sent him two nice pieces of stationery to use to write to me. Well, I never got them, so no more stationery for him!

It’s so funny, yet amazing to think that this is the last Saturday of my life hearing out of only one ear.

I just remembered that quilt. Shall I try to continue with it? Nah. There’ll only be a problem with it. Some may say that’s a bad attitude, but I’ll wait a while.

Later…

I not only tried to continue with the quilt, but I finished it. It looks fine in front, but in back there are lots of threads and it’s nearly impossible to pick them all out.

I got a birthday card from David, Evie and Nickolena which was nice.

I know this may sound a bit selfish, but I’m kind of hurt that I didn’t get a card from Andy, Larry or Tammy. I know that they’re either broke, busy or in the middle of a crisis but just a card would’ve been nice. I never even got cards from these people when I got married. Well, I still know they care anyway and will probably at least call me.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1994

This is the best birthday of my life. Never have I ever been so spoiled in all my life. Tom took me out to Wal-Mart before the sun came up. I got a 5-drawer dresser and it’s so great to finally have one. Now I no longer have my shorts, halters and nighties shoved in my closets on shelves. I got bigger knitting needles, a CD cleaner, two pairs of jeans and a king-size waterbed foam mattress pad. When we came home we did some filming of the place.

Later…

Well, we got done with round one of great sex and later will be round two. As usual, someone tried to call during round one. They hung up, so I’m sure it was mom & dad.

Andy called to wish me a happy birthday. He was getting ready to go to work. He may be returning to Denny’s cuz it’s dead where he is. I told him that if he does, don’t go back to the same one.

We’re going to go to Red Lobster some other time. Earlier, we made pork chops. I made them while he was assembling the dresser. Now he’s barbecuing steak and I’m going to go do the garlic bread.

Later…

OK, I stuck the garlic bread in. In about 10 minutes we’ll be eating. Now, I’ll begin to expand on today’s events and the stuff I got. One of the pairs of jeans I got is just a regular pair of jeans. They’re petite 3/4, which I don’t even have to hem. The other pair is stretch jeans.

The CD cleaner’s really cool. You place it, play side up in a case. Spray it with the cleaner, shut the case’s cover, and turn this crank. That way a round sponge rotates all around it.

I love the dresser and I really did some rearranging between the closets, the small cardboard 4-drawer thing, and the dresser. It’s brown and matches the bookcase nicely. The one my CDs are on, as well as the ones my journals are on. In the bottom two drawers of the dresser, I have shorts.

Gotta eat now but will resume soon.

Later…

Tom went to bed and I’m winding down now. I’ll fill you in on all the details of today before I go to bed.

The bottom two drawers are shorts, as I said before. The middle is nightgowns and socks. The second is halters and the top drawer is panties and G-strings.

In the 4-drawer cardboard thing, bras are on top. The second is stockings, a slip and two butt wraps. The third is bathing suits and the fourth is costumes from dancing.

We filmed all the rooms in here, but I want to do more in more detail. I forgot to film the earrings I made. I also want to film jewelry, clothes, and my journals in more detail. Then, we’ll do outside the house and a little around the city. I’d really like to film Castles & Coasters and Camelback Mountain in Paradise Valley.

Tonight was a classic example of how everything happens at once. Larry called, then Mom & Dad beeped in, then Tammy beeped in. We all had great talks. It was really great to hear from all of them. However, I’m getting soooo very beat now that I’ll write all about it tomorrow.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1994

Just got in from my pre-op appointment. There’s not much else to say about it till after the surgery. I hope and pray that I not only hear, but that they pull out any clumps of skin, infections, or whatever.

After the appointment, we picked up a few things from the grocery store.

Larry told me that he wanted to do something for my b-day and our wedding, but Sandy’s car died and all kinds of other hectic things were going on. I understood and I know how most people hate to write.

He was in a good mood and told me a funny joke. What’s the difference between O.J. Simpson and Jeffrey Dahmer?

Well, O.J. Simpson only ate one of his victims.

Everyone sounded pretty happy there and I also spoke to Sandy, Jennifer and little Larry. Little Larry isn’t so little anymore. We talked about all kinds of things and Sandy mentioned that they thought of getting a computer, but had no idea of where to begin. I told her Tom knew everything and could help. He was sitting right there and Larry said hi to him real quick.

Larry asked if we did Chanukah or Christmas and I said both. He said, “Happy Merry Chachristmaskah.”

Time for a cigarette now, but I’ll write more later on this and whatever else.

Now I’m going to go listen to music with headphones since I’m not going to be able to do that for a while. Then, maybe I’ll do some more writing. First, though, I got a really nice birthday card from Andy which I copied in 7. There was no stamp or cancellation on the envelope, so he obviously came by and stuck it in the mail slot.

Later…

After this is all over, I sure as hell am going to have some serious letter-writing to do. Sandy and everyone really liked the letter, and we talked about some of the things I do, including drawing. I said I’d send a letter, as well as some drawings and told her I had some scanned into the computer and could print them out.

I wonder what’s been going on with Bob that’s got him writing less and less? He’s probably hard up for money and stamps.

I said that after I finished filling up the end of 7, I would no longer copy them, and would store them in books. Well, just maybe I will write them in blank pages where I didn’t write back to back, seeing that I’ll probably never get any more letters from Kim and very few from Alex and Bob.

Now that I have a king-size foam pad, I’m going to use the twin one as an exercise mat. It really kills my back when I do crunches as well as my hips when I do leg lifts for the outer thighs. I wrapped a sheet around it after folding it in 3. I was going to use it on our very uncomfortable wooden bench swing out back, but instead, I threw a couple of pillows on it. Plus, I’m not on it that often.

Tom tried to call his coworker friend Eileen to give her a pre-op update, but she wasn’t home. He did talk to his mom, though, who asked if I’d need anyone else to hold my hand besides him. He told her no, cuz I’d be pretty out of it anyway. Yeah, I’ll bet. I hope he’s not too bored waiting through all this as psyched as he is. I’ll suggest he gets his mom or someone to keep him company. He’s got 6 people to call from the hospital. Eileen, his parents, my parents, Tammy, Larry and Andy.

The doctor said he’ll hang around till I come to and tell me how everything went, although I won’t remember a word he says. Thank God for Tom as he will be my informer.

I got up at 7:00 this morning and I amazingly napped for about an hour and a half today. Who knows when the hell I’ll fall asleep, but I’m not worried about it as I’m not getting up till 5:00 which is a half-hour before we’ll be leaving here.

I’ve already shaved and done my hair, I can’t eat or drink after midnight, so there’s no point in getting up till the last minute. Just long enough to get somewhat woken up and have a few cigarettes.

I will be able to wash my hair, but not near the bandages, naturally. Tom will help me.

Earlier Marge called to tell me about an Arizona woman who’s to be on either the news or some news show about an operation for hearing, but I’m taping a movie.

I’m going to have to hang low, so I expect to watch a little more TV than usual. As well as writing and typing.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1994

I’m out of surgery now and back home. I am still kind of out of it and cannot stay upright to write for too long. I am quite groggy and my ear is painful and achy. I am taking painkillers for it. My jaw also hurts as he took a piece of muscle from it, so I can not close or open my mouth all the way.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1994

Now that I am starting to feel like a human being once again, I can finally start to write all about the surgery and everything else. Tom woke me up on the morning of the 6th at 5 AM. Of course, I couldn’t eat or drink, so I was hungry and dying for a cup of coffee. I had my cigarettes anyway.

When we got there I signed a few papers. It sure is faster and easier to write out my married name several times than my maiden name as I don’t have to stop to cross and dot t’s and i’s.

Later…

I had to stop earlier as “coming back” has been a slow process. I just had something to eat so I feel better.

Before I get into all that’s gone on I want to say that there are no words to describe how Tom’s been. He is a miracle and even my mom mentioned how unreal he is. So patient, so calm, so loving, so helpful, so understanding, so supportive. He talked with me, cheered me up, and got me food, medicine, and anything I needed to feel more comfortable. I never could’ve gone through this alone in Boston, even if I’d had the money to go back and forth. No one could be as good as Tom’s been through all this. Anyone else would turn on me, unable to deal with it. We are both so much more motivated now in so many different ways. The computer business, singing, the kid, etc.

Got a card with the flowers my parents sent that says: Dear Jodi, we’re so happy for your successful surgery. Love, Mom and Dad.

My parents are really thrilled and happy for me. Yes, I do believe there just might be a possibility that they could be happy for us if we did have a kid and not give us any bullshit.

Tom also spoke to Tammy, Andy, little Larry and his family. His family’s really happy for me, too. I spoke to Tammy twice and Andy once.

Got a letter from Bob today.

Later…

After I signed some papers, they took us back to a little room, which was sectioned off by curtains and sort of looked like an ER. A nurse put my clothes in a bag, which she put in a locker and Tom hung onto my pocketbook. He jokingly asked if people would think he was a fem for carrying a pocketbook.

The nurse also took my vitals and stuff like that. Then the anesthesiologist came in. She was young and pretty and as far as I know all five of them were women except for Dr. Nielsen. There were his two assistants and the surgical nurse as well as the anesthesiologist and the doctor. She put the IV in, then injected something that made me very woozy. I remember hugging Tom, then that was it.

The next thing I knew I was waking up and the nurse said I was moving from stage 1 to stage 2, the last stage of recovery. She gave me an ice chip and I noticed I was quite wet in the middle. I had wet my bed for the first time since I was very little.

I was under for 5 hours and everything went super well. The doctor talked to Tom and one of his assistants did, too.

Shortly after I woke up, I remember touching the nurse’s face and mumbling that I was alive. Then Tom was there. He dressed me and took me home, which is a very vague memory. We got home at around 2:00 in the afternoon. He went to get my prescriptions for painkillers and antibiotics. I dozed off for an hour or two.

The night after surgery, as well as last night, was pretty terrible. I had much more pain, pressure and achiness than I thought I’d have. My head is still swollen, I have a black eye and everything sounds amplified, distorted and a bit bassy. Sort of like when you have a head cold or flu.

Later…

Last night was the worst and I thank God is over. I have a lot of numbness still, but last night I went numb down to my upper arms. That was due to the painkillers. I now take ibuprofen for any pain I have.

Until today I had a pressure strap on my head. It still sort of feels like it’s still there, even though I feel much better now that it’s off.

Last night was so bad that Tom slept with me and amazingly enough, he didn’t wake me up every two seconds. I had the fan on but was lucky to get lots of sleep, which I really needed.

I could swear I almost died last night. My body felt like it was shutting down bit by bit. Tom said he sensed the whole thing too, and knew what was going on. I tried to call out to him, but I couldn’t at first.

A note from Tom: Now it’s time for me (Tom) to write a page in your journal. I know that you are starting to feel better because of the way you were eating cookies just now. You don’t have a fever. I think by tomorrow you will be feeling like your usual hyper-rowdy-playful self. I love you. You have been a wonderful patient these last two days. Remember to take your meds at the proper time.

I forgot to mention that I quickly talked to my parents last night.

Shortly after I got up today, I called the doctor’s office and she said to go ahead and take off the strap. Tom took off the strap and later on he put new gauze on my arm where he did the skin graft. The other one was falling off and all yucky. It was a hell of a sensation when Tom took off the strap and some of the outer packing.

I can already hear sounds!! Just imagine how well I’ll hear when the doctor takes out the inner packing on the 20th of this month. He said my inner ear looked better than he thought it would look. When I block my good ear, I can hear Tom talk. He doesn’t have to yell, either. I could also hear Piggy squeaking with the good ear blocked. I do notice a difference in music, but not much yet cuz of the inner packing and cuz I can’t play it too loud.

My jaw is kind of sore as he had to take a piece of muscle from it. The reason why I was having so much sensitivity was due to lots of scar tissue backed up in there from previous surgeries.

I talked to my parents and Tammy today to let them know about the difference I already have with my hearing. Even if Tom yelled before, there’d have been no way I could’ve heard him with the good ear blocked.

Back when I had all those operations in Boston, I used to save up all the hospital bracelets. Well, this one’s for mom. I’m going to send it to her in the next letter I type them. She and Dad, I mean.

Tom just went to bed. In his room, so we both ensure each other we sleep well again and can move around without disturbing each other. An example of that would be if I listen to music later as I certainly can’t use headphones.

Wow. That plane I just heard that flew by sounded weird.

Now I think I’m going to try to start typing a few letters.

Later…

I just typed up letters to my parents and Tammy. Bob’s will wait till tomorrow.

I forgot to say that not once did I puke or have a bad wheezing spell through all this. Thank God for that much.

One of the cards I got from David & Evie had tulips on it. I tore that part off and turned it into a postcard for my nieces.

It’s funny to sit here and think that if only Fran and Nervous knew about all this. As well as some other people. They’d be shocked. Happy for me, but definitely shocked.

Goldie & Al should be calling within the next few days. I’m sure my parents have filled them in, as well as Boo & Max, Charlotte & Jim and those lovely aunts, uncles and cousins of mine who couldn’t care less.

I hope I’ve remembered all of the important details of all these events. Ma was laughing when I told her how Tom has carried on our lollipop tradition. Right now I’m sucking on butterscotch and watermelon candies.

We both feel this will make a lot of things much easier. Including our sex lives. How I hope to God there’s nothing wrong with either of us. I would not be surprised and I would understand the so-called higher power’s reasons for it, but I still hope all is OK with us.

Later…

God, I haven’t been able to take a dump since the day before the surgery which really sucks. I’m so bloated.

I just listened to a little music and soon I’ll have to take my Theodur as well as the antibiotic. My lungs have been so good. I wonder if that backed-up scar tissue could’ve played a role in making my asthma bad, besides the emotional and environmental situations I was in back east. Also, will having two ears help? Well, it seems to be helping so far.

My numbness and black eye are slowly, but surely beginning to go away. I may go watch TV soon, but I doubt I’ll be up for much longer. I may also copy Bob’s letter in tonight, if not, tomorrow.

The next journal may go quickly. There are only 100 pages and it’s unlined. I’ll use my calligraphy pen for that. Wow, I can still smell the perfume I rubbed onto the back cover of this book from those samples I got in the mail.

Well, now I’m going to go get my next book started which is the marble paper-covered one!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1994

I just glued in the card I got from my in-laws in the back cover of my journal. It came with the gorgeous plant they sent. There were 3 cactuses with colored sand below them. It was very Arizona.

I wrote Bob’s letter today and did some journal typing.

I still feel kind of off, but hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow. I’m getting there little by little.

Tom bought 4 boxes of dye so we can tie-dye some T-shirts. He got neon pink, rose pink, mauve and fuchsia.

Now I’m going to go copy in Bob’s letter I got a couple of days ago in my letter book and I will do more writing later.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1994

So much for writing later, huh?

Got a Christmas card and a letter from Alex today. I typed him a letter and one to my brother and his family. I also sent about 6 drawings to them.

Linda Ronstadt is supposed to be performing tonight so I’ve set the VCR up.

I’m really glad Tom printed out that list of all the movies Norah’s been in. Now I can just skim through the TV guide in search of those titles and not have to read every single one. It’ll be easier whenever we go to a video store. Now I’ll know what to look for. I also want to print more pictures.

I’m doing a couple of loads of laundry now. After a cigarette, I will explain all about my not-so-pleasant night last night.

Later…

I had been constipated till 3 in the morning last night. I had the runs for over an hour, but I survived it.

I’m back to 99 pounds, but I feel all mushy. I have to make some serious changes when I exercise. The only question is what changes do I make? I only get temporary results and that’s pretty frustrating. For one week there’s a difference and I look and feel great. Then, I seem to lose all those results.

I really liked the idea Alex wrote about in his letter to me. About being video-signing pen pals. He hasn’t gotten a camcorder yet, but he says he plans on it this coming year.

Tomorrow we’re both anxiously excited about screwing. I still wonder if things will change with him. I have my doubts, cuz seeing is believing for me. I know everyone is different, but he sure is different. The last time he was in there he would go really slow, telling me how good it felt, how I had the perfect pussy and it makes him never want to cum. I asked him if it would bother him if I were never able to cum by him in me. He said no and asked me if it would bother me if he never did cum. No, cuz less mess and that shit smells like bleach. Yes, if we’re going to have a kid. He says it’ll be no problem. I know there’s nothing wrong with him, but I hope he’s not just saying he wants a kid. I’m sure he’d say so if he didn’t and he’s always been honest about stuff like that, but if he continues not to cum for too many more months, I will start to wonder. Wonder if he really wants it and if it’s really meant to be. I’m really glad we waited, though, even though we had no idea till a few months ago about the surgery. Sure, with him and his family, we could’ve gone through this with a kid, but it sure is easier when you don’t have to. In the end, I agree with what he said. The less we worry, the easier it’ll be. It’s all in the hands of fate, as they say.

Singing session after next ciggie break.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1994

I had some left-over fried chicken too, besides a smoke.

As for my singing session - well - yesterday afternoon I sang a few songs. It felt so good to do this. I’m weak still, so I had to sing softly. It wasn’t nearly as weak and as shot as I thought it’d be. Also, I surprisingly had no trouble with the higher notes.

Earlier I plucked my eyebrows. I stood standing in the shower while I took the shower massager and shaved my legs. Trimmed some pussy hair, too. Tomorrow I’ll shave my underarms and Tom will help me do my hair.

He’s also going to change the gauze on my ear which I kind of dread. I still have pressure, numbness and swelling there. My jaw and black eye are tremendously better, but very close to my ear is swollen and I have no real feeling yet. It also looks like there are stitches by the top part of the frame. Tom says that from what he can see it looks more natural-looking and I oughta be comfier. The frame seems to have been pulled out like my good ear and is no longer stuck to my head. That’d be great as long as I don’t look too much like a freak, despite my long thick hair as it should make it easier to keep it clean. I hope to hell that soon enough it’s no longer sensitive and tender and that I can sleep on it a hell of a lot easier.

Well, I may as well go see Linda now!

Later…

Good, God! Just when I thought she couldn’t get any worse looking, she does. She looked like a total clown in this big huge baggy all-black thing which I guess was a dress. More like a skirt with a baggy shirt over it. She got sooooo fat and she looks old. She did sing as great and as perfect as always, though. Aaron Neville was doing a 1-hour Christmas concert and she sang 1 song by herself and about 3 with Aaron.

It makes me wonder what Gloria’s looking like these days. I think she looked the best during the Let It Loose album and during Cuts Both Ways.

It’s funny how as I was going through my journals from when I first got here, I realized I was off to a much rougher start than I thought or remembered. All that shit with Mark, Robert, Donna, Rosemarie, Ellie, Stacey and that damn butch next door. Then there was Scott’s shit as well as serious money problems. I’ve certainly paid my dues, though, went through more than enough shit (95% unasked for) and very much deserve how great things have been going for me.

I still sure as hell can’t wait till I’m completely healed up and over this surgery. It’s no fun to have your head rearranged and scrambled for 5 hours.

I forgot to mention earlier that Eileen called to see how I was. She used to work with Tom for a long time and he’s worked on her PC a few times. If I’m remembering right, she has a butch daughter named Robin. Anyway, that was super nice of her to call, and she mentioned our meeting sometime.

I recently revised our to-do and to-get lists. As usual, though, more things have been popping into my head, so one of these days I’ll have to update it.

Tomorrow, we’ll be planting the pink azalea plant I got from my folks in the backyard. We don’t know where yet.

Andy left a message late last night wondering how I was recovering and I left him a message.

Just cuz I’ve always wanted to hear out of two ears will never mean I want to hear kids screaming, but I have a feeling that if Tom and I work out there tomorrow, they’ll be at it. I haven’t heard anything in ages, but for some strange reason, it does seem to happen more so when he’s out there with me. I used to think that was some kind of message, but nah, otherwise he’d have been cumming all along and I wouldn’t be a DES daughter. They say there’s a reason for everything and I certainly believe that. There’s got to be a reason I was “chosen” to be a DES daughter if it isn’t what I’ve always thought the reason was.

We’re not sure, though, if my ear is cuz of the DES. Tom said he thinks it could be some kind of tranquilizer they gave my mother while she was carrying me. My mother taking tranquilizers? I don’t think so. I’m sure she’d refuse that.

Anyway, I’ve done mega writing and I’m beat. Going to go do one more ciggie, then conk my tired little ass out. Can’t wait to see if tomorrow brings any “sex changes.” I’ll write about it nonetheless. Bye for now.

Later…

We just planted the plant by the pool.

Tom’s eating now and I’m going to do the same thing in a minute. Then, he’s going to help me with my hair and with changing the bed.

He scanned in several of those animal drawings I did many months back. They look good.

Later…

Now I feel a lot better. We washed and brushed my hair and Tom changed the outer bandage. It wasn’t painful like I thought it’d be. I still have some numbness, swelling, and breathlessness and sounds are still amplified and bassy, but it’s really improving. My ear looks so much better and more natural. It’s no longer pinned to my head and it’ll be so much easier to clean. I can already tell that the sensitivity and tenderness are much better. It’s amazing how this doctor could do this in one shot in an outpatient part of a regular hospital. Not an eye & ear infirmary.

It’s scary to think of how I’d have felt if I never had the surgery. It makes me more angry than scared. You know how it is when you are on Medicaid and Medicare like I was. You’re treated as a second-class citizen. If Wilcox sent me to a specialist, all they would’ve told me was to bear with it.

Later…

I just typed up letters to my parents and Tammy.

Tom thought my folks were going to call tonight. Yeah, I thought so too. They must be busy. I hope to “hear” from Goldie & Al soon.

I’m having some itching in my ear. I know that’s good and means it’s healing, but it’s obnoxious when you can’t scratch it. It’s better than pain.

I did a little more singing today. It’s still easier than I expected.

We didn’t play around today as I’m still not with it enough, but we will tomorrow.

That’s weird I have way more feeling behind the ear than in my temple area. That part is still pretty numb.

Later…

Please don’t tell me I’m back to being constipated again. If I don’t go by this time tomorrow evening, I’m taking another laxative and I don’t care how dependent I get on them.

Did I mention that Tom wants to start keeping a journal at the first of the year? He wants to do it on the computer. One file per month. He even said he’d let me read it. It’ll be interesting to see what he writes and how he writes.

After I type up the rest of the book I’m currently typing which is 28, I’ll be typing up this one since it’ll be a quickie. I knew it would be, though, and it’s not as easy as I was counting on for me to write small with this pen.

Damn, my ear is itching again. Right in the new opening.

Well, I think I’ll go get some coffee now and go do some more typing.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1994

Got a surprise in the mail today. A letter from Kim. I didn’t think I’d hear from her, but I’m glad I did and it was a nice letter. I typed back all about my birthday, surgery, and Goldie & Al. I also got a letter from Bob and soon enough I’ll respond to that.

Tom went down there today and it felt really good. To be eaten out is my favorite thing and Tom told me it’s his favorite thing to do. Cool. He sure isn’t like most guys, huh?

You wouldn’t believe what also came in the mail today. My records from Mass. General Hospital in Boston. Finally! My memory’s more screwed up than I realized. I thought I had all my operations from age 6-12, but according to them, there are a couple of differences. I guess the first time I went there for a consultation was in ‘75. The surgeries went from ’76-‘78. Tom skimmed through the papers. They also say that one of the last operations was done on June 6th. This is weird cuz I remember how it would always snow and how I’d be glad to miss school. I remember other kids from elementary school sending cards. In 5th grade, they threw me a party. At the same time, though, I have a vague memory of my mom and I walking in our yard. Someone else was there too, but who knows who and it definitely wasn’t winter. Mom and I were kind of crying happy tears as this was supposed to be the end of all my so-called ear ordeals.

There are two other things I didn’t know. I guess I had another ear put on before this one, but it didn’t take and just didn’t work out. There was mention of it being badly infected and I was in the hospital for 36 hours at the time they wrote this. Tom pointed out how they kept calling me “cute.” I guess they really needed to try to cheer me up. I had nice eyes and hair, but I was no cutie.

Also, Pa’s exterminating business had medical insurance for me. I never knew that either. For some reason, I thought it was the March of Dimes who had paid for it.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1994

Thank God I took two dumps a few hours ago (no runs) as I was fixing to pop another laxative. I got quite a bit done and am beginning to feel a whole lot better.

Tom said it makes sense for sounds to sound bassy for a while. Nerves are hearing sounds for the very first time that have never done so before. They have to learn how to channel and filter sounds properly. Also, the part of the brain that operates that ear has never been programmed as to how to deal with sounds. My brain has to program itself.

So, today I began another document for Tom. I’m on the Evie one now. I typed Kim’s letter, but not Bob’s yet. I copied in their letter to me, too. Maybe during the night I’ll finish the Evie document, type Bob’s letter, and do the dishes.

I spoke with Andy for an hour last night and we caught each other up on our lives. He says his cat, which he isn’t supposed to have, is turning out to be a carbon copy of how Shadow was.

Another classic example of what I always used to say - why does it always have to be me to get caught? If it was me living over there trying to hide this cat, I’d have been caught weeks ago.

Well, time for me to go do some other things now. The only question is what do I do? I have a handful of choices, but I haven’t made up my mind yet.

Later…

I sure did lots of writing tonight. Tomorrow I’ll type up the previous book. I should be able to do it that fast. Wow! This book really smells of perfume from those samples. I must’ve rubbed it on good. Anyway, there’s not much to say now, so I’ll sign off.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1994

I typed up 81 which only took about an hour and a half.

I forgot to say that the day we planted the Azaleas, no kids were screaming. I could hear stuff off in the distance, but not well enough to tell what it was.

Andy may call anytime. He went to meet a date and said he’ll fill me in on it later.

I called my parents and I caught them up on my ear and finished the Evie document.

I never disbelieved Tom when he said he wants a kid, but now I really believe. We talked about all kinds of things earlier.

I took a bath and washed my hair. Tom helped me rinse it. Then he changed the gauze on my arm and ear.

Earlier yesterday morning before he went to work, I had a scare. I was lying on my side in bed, sipping coffee when a spider ran over me. Yuck! Tom came running in with a paper towel and killed it. I asked how he knew to bring in paper towels and how he knew it was a spider. He said, “It’s always a spider when you squeal like that.”

Getting hungry again, so I think I’ll go eat, watch TV, listen to music then maybe get on with typing 29.

Later…

Tom’s up now eating the spag I made.

Andy called last night to let me know he was meeting this guy who sounds like Tom. He hasn’t called, though, so I hope all’s OK. I’m sure it is as I don’t feel anything bad.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1994

Minnie called earlier. She had an emergency C-section. She had a boy and named it Coty Alan if I spelled it right. She had been busy and lost my number. When she got her bill today with the number on it, she called.

She hasn’t been able to get a ride to see Bob yet.

No more are their temperatures above normal. They’re freezing their asses off. I don’t feel sorry for them, but I wish it were hot here. I want to go swimming and get some color back. I’m white as a ghost again. I wish bee season were now, though, while I’m not in the pool.

My heart’s been beating in a strange way all night. Sort of like in my head, too. I feel the pulsating rush of blood as well as hear it.

Yesterday Andy met that guy that sounds like Tom. He told me this (as best friends do) and I told Tom, who was laughing, that he was hot and the perfect type of guy. He was uncut, though, and would never go for that. I agree. That’s totally gross. A few months ago he said he’s getting more and more of the same “message” I got. I always knew it wasn’t meant for me to be with a woman. I began to sense I was supposed to be with a guy, even though I was so repulsed by that idea till I met Tom. It took a while, but I figured that out cuz of how often I’d get offers from guys. Yes, I know they go after anything and are easy, but if it wasn’t telling me something about guys, I’d not only not have been able to get what I wanted in a woman, but I would’ve gotten fewer hits from men. So, in the end, it wasn’t only telling me no to women, it was saying yes to guys. Andy’s case is different, yet similar. When he said he felt he wasn’t meant to be with a guy, I thought about it. Yeah, that does make sense. Especially at his age. I don’t think something’s trying to tell him something about women, though, cuz he hardly ever gets offers. That could be even scarier and worse off than in my case, but I hope not for his sake.

I began the David document and journal 29 and a Bob letter. Now I’m going to go make some clams in the deep fryer.

Later…

Tom got up, watched the half-hour Sting concert/interview I taped him and now he’s in the shower.

I just did some word puzzles and played with Piggy.

I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can and sleep as late as I can.

I started going through Mass General’s medical papers and 90% of it is all in medical terms I don’t get. Kim might understand lots of it, and I wish I had her medical books. Tom says we can do research and decipher it using the computer. That’s true.

I love how I went from being Hebrew to Jewish, from a student to a child, from being born in Springfield to MA, and from Jody O to Jodi D.

I hope some of the stuff we ordered through Fingerhut and some other place gets here soon.

Now that Tom’s in the shower, I feel the need to shit.

I may or may not have said so before, but I’ve only got 22 journals to type up. Of course, there are going to be 22 more when I get done. Maybe less, though, cuz it’s quicker to type them than it is to write them.

Guess I’ll go get some coffee now and a cigarette.

Later…

This weekend oughta be fun. Tom got two T-shirts to make tie-dye shirts with. He also got more of that decorative plastic used for melting and setting onto molds. Earring hooks, glue, and plaster of Paris.

A little while ago I was working on the David document and soon I’ll finish that up and do a little more typing on 29.

I gave Piggy more pellets, fresh water, and a new house (the box that Tom’s 12-pack of soda came in).

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1994

I finished the David document and did some typing on 29.

After busting my ass for several hours cleaning, I’m doing something I haven’t done in quite a while. Listening to one of my old edit tapes.

Earlier I vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the microwave, washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, hammered the front door hinges all the way down, and put a foam strip in the biggest part of the gap in the back door. That’s quite a bit, huh? What a difference that strip makes.

It is absolutely freezing out. It’s in the 40s and the closest to MA it gets. I can see my breath in the air. It definitely froze last night. The scary thing about it is, is that it’s cold enough to snow out there.

I’d really like to do some editing now as it’s been a while, but I’d rather wait till sounds aren’t so weird. Plus, the track that I tape from is fucked up.

I’m trying to stay up as late as I can, so I may go do some more typing.

One more thing. In the hall right outside Tom’s room was a full-length mirror. He didn’t want it put up on his bedroom wall, so I busted it out of its frame and put it on its side in the paneled-over window in the living room. There was still enough room there for our wedding picture, the plates and other knickknacks I’ve got up there. It looks really cool.

Here’s sweet old Laurie H now on tape. Now here’s the CP lady, and earlier I heard the other Laurie lesbian from the Northampton CC. That was the call we made when Andy was here, but I was stuck in Deerfield. Before that was Donna A. Now the tape’s screeching. Now it isn’t. I’m not worried. I have backups of all my edits. As soon as Nervous and Fran came on, it really screeched. I’ll just let it roll through. It’s an old tape that just hasn’t been played in a while. I wish I could magically snap my fingers and have this on CDs. As well as my other stuff, like music.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1994

I just saw the most sickening, cruel, unfair and depressing thing on TV. In a news documentary in India, it shows how not only is it perfectly legal to beat and kill women whose marriages are arranged, but it’s a common, everyday practice to kill baby girls. Because it’s a poor country, girls are considered too expensive and, in their beliefs, and traditions, girls are a curse and inferior to boys. This drives the belief in me, like never before, that God set out to curse women and girls and that life’s not fair. I believe God’s got two things on His mind more and more these days. One, to control the world’s population. Two, to ruin each generation more and more by giving more and more kids to bad people and to people who don’t want them. I see no reason to believe or even think for a second that God would ever give us a child.

I know it’ll always be hard for me to accept never having a kid, but I don’t think I have a choice. Instead, I must put all my energy into stuff that’s real, rather than dwell on something I can’t do anything about.

I’m looking forward to today. We’re going to do up tie-dye shirts and play around.

I was thinking of asking Tom if every now and then he’d say he was cumming when he’s in there. It’d turn me on and make me feel more like a “normal” woman who’s really pleasing him. However, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and make him feel silly, either.

Got a Christmas card from David and Evie yesterday. Before that, we got one from Geri. Already we have more Christmas cards than I’ve ever gotten in b-day and Chanukah cards combined. It sure is weird having Christmas cards and presents cuz it’s like having two birthdays or two Chanukahs, instead of one of each. It’d be funny if we had a kid in June, cuz then it’d be 3 things in June and 3 in December. December would be my b-day, Christmas and Chanukah. June would be our anniversary, Tom’s b-day and the kid’s b-day.

Tom got a watch and a thank you card from my parents. His card said: thank you for caring. Tom’s never worn watches and I think he said he doesn’t like anything around his wrist, so I hope he likes it. He must as it’s not anywhere to be seen, so he must have it on (he’s asleep now). I laughed when I saw the $175 price tag cuz they never forget to remove price tags.

I think I’ll go watch TV now. I’m sure I’ll find another pregnant woman saying she’s going to poison or feed her baby unhusked rice so it’ll die, but that’s life, huh? Obviously, it’s also what God wants too, if He truly exists. He lets it happen, after all.

Maybe I’ll do some more typing, too, as yesterday I finished the David document and began and finished Wendy’s.

Later…

I completed the Lolita document and worked on 29.

Tom oughta be up anytime now.

I may have a new radio station. Well, for the longest time, I’ve been listening to KOOL FM. They play music from the 60s and early 70s. They also play some 50s. When I was watching TV, a commercial advertised a station that does only the 70s. I wish I knew of one that did the 70s and 80s. Some of the songs suck and others are great, so we’ll see.

Now, it’s off to type more.

Later…

Now I’ve only got about 27 pages left of 29 to type up. I’m at the part where Stacey tried fucking me over. Yup, she had a thing for me that scared her. It also pissed her off cuz she couldn’t and wouldn’t act on it, so she lashed out at me. Just like Nervous, Fran and a lot of guys can be. If they can’t get positive attention, they seek negative attention. It had taken me a while to figure out what was motivating Stacey, but upon reading back on the incident, yes, she had a thing for me. I’ll bet you I was the first one she ever thought of in that way. If not, one of several, and it finally got to her after so long of being able to deal with it.

Boy, Tom’s really catching up on his sleep and must’ve been tired. I just remembered he was to stop over at Eileen’s after work to delete stuff from her computer. Eileen is the one with the gay daughter named Robin. She’s got a husband and 7 kids. Good, God! I wonder if she wanted that many?

The more I analyze a certain situation, the more confusing it seems. You know me, though. I love to analyze stuff. If God’s out to keep me childless, then why keep Tom from cumming? All He has to do is make sure the DES sterilizes me. Is it to make us wait longer for whatever reason? Hmm… how does his not cumming fit into this when I could very well already be sterile? I’m sure I’ve already got all the pieces of the puzzle in my hands. It just takes time to put them all together sometimes. Just like it did for a few other situations. Hopefully, someday it’ll make sense.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1994

Yesterday really did turn out to be great. We made two tie-dye shirts which look really cool. I’m wearing mine now.

We also had two rounds of fun. When I said I couldn’t wait till I could cum by it, he said it looked like we were having a race and that tomorrow, which is now today, he’s going to win it and cum. This I’ve got to see to believe. It feels so good to me, but I’m still improvising and getting used to the feel of it now that I can do it pain and worry-free. It’s hard to be able to touch the whole length of my clit like I do when he’s in there cuz he’s so big that it gets pushed up shorter. He was in deeper than he hardly ever is yesterday and he said that was a great worry now gone from the back of his mind when he saw it didn’t hurt. I also was able to sit down on him with him lying on the floor. For the first time, I went down all the way and was able to rock back and forth. There was no pain, pressure or discomfort.

Andy says Gloria had a baby girl by C-section the day after my b-day. He’s going to bring the article over later, but right now he’s at a friend’s house.

I can’t wait till I can listen to music with headphones. I miss that. I can’t wait till my appointment too, even though I’m nervous about it.

Later…

Tom really likes his watch and is getting used to it. He said they’re going to spoil him, and we agreed I’d thank them for him in my next letter to them.

In a bogus name, I’ve got 10 zoo books coming, a tiger poster and animal stickers. I saw the commercial for it on TV and called it in. It should be here in 4-6 weeks.

I’m not sure if Andy’s still coming or not, but whenever he does, I’ll give him some NPN envelopes. I wish there were a regular mailbox on this street corner here. Then I’d dump off a load every now and then.

Later…

I did a load of laundry, took the garbage out, took a dump, took my meds, and watched part of Charlie’s Angels.

I had a little scare a few hours ago with my ear. I sat down to listen to music when I had an itch behind my earlobe. I felt some wetness, so Tom got up and changed the bandage. We’re not too sure what was oozing, but it didn’t look or smell infectious. We’re sure it’s just normal drainage, but I’m going to call the doctor in 10 minutes anyway. I have no fever or pain, so that’s good.

Andy called during all this and I let him know I’d get back to him later. I left him a message at 4:00. He’s probably sleeping now.

Tom went back to bed.

I washed my jewelry in warm soapy water and now it’s drying on a towel on the kitchen table. I also played some Nintendo games like the duck hunt. I beat my record. Before I could never pass round 13. Today I fouled up at 15. Later I’ll play the racecar game.

I also put hair elastics on 4 of the many wires by the game and the TV. They had been all tangled.

Time for my coffee and to make that call.

Later…

I just spoke to a Dr. Norwalk that’s on call for Dr. Nielsen. He said to see if I can get in to see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

I’m a little tired now, so I’m going to go lay down for a while.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1994

I sure slept a long time, which is great. I needed it and it’ll make staying up for tomorrow’s appointment no problem.

Tom’s going to change my gauze when he gets up.

When I got up I took a bath, shaved, and was able to wash my hair all by myself. It was much easier to do in the tub cuz that way I could have both hands free, rather than one of them holding the shower massage.

Yesterday I shortened two bracelets.

We weren’t able to do our little race cuz after I let Tom know I wanted a little tongue action, I got pretty tired. Who knows what will happen today, but I still don’t think he’s ready to let himself cum cuz we’re still not completely over this ordeal. After tomorrow’s appointment, maybe things will be different. It takes time, though, so the latest things could probably change, if Tom’s as sure as he says he is, will be after the 1st of the year.

His mom called wanting an update on my ear. It’s so amazing having all these people who care.

I may call my family tomorrow. It depends on how big of a deal it is. If it’s not, I’ll write them letters tomorrow.

Later…

Sure do have some shocking yet nice stuff to tell. First of all, remember the picture of the little girl I mentioned that Ma picked out for my b-day? Well, I drew it early this morning and it came out good. I wish I had a pink and a flesh-tone colored pencil, though.

We screwed around this morning and as far as Tom’s concerned, he came. What do I think? I don’t know. He seemed like he did by the way he was moving before he did, then suddenly he went limp. I don’t know if anything came out. Maybe a little. He says it varies with him, but has never heard of it leaking out of a woman like pee afterward. It was like that for me with that asshole Ron when I was 21. Tammy agreed it varies.

I asked Tom if he thought that was enough to have a kid and he said he thought it was cuz it’s the sperm count that matters, not the volume of cum. Yeah, I’ve heard that before.

Anyway, sex for both of us has been so much easier and so much fun.

I did the Dureen document today, as well as some journal typing and a letter to Bob.

I don’t know if I said so before, but as of the 1st, stamps will be 32¢. That’s so fucked up. The PO has enough money. They blame it on electronic mail. Yeah, everyone has to blame someone or something for their greed.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1994

I sure do have my share of updating now. I’ve already sent letters to Tammy, my parents, Bob, Kim, Alex and Minnie, but not my brother yet. I figured I’d call him on his birthday and also send him a birthday letter and then I’ll tell him all about it.

About 90% of yesterday’s appointment went great. My arm and most of the skin graft are healing well, but there is a part of the skin graft that didn’t take. The good news is that the doctor’s sure it’ll heal. There are still dissolvable stitches and packing that’s keeping the eardrum still till it heals, so he said it can take 2-6 months to know just how well I’m going to hear. The way I hear now is how you’d hear if you took your hand and covered one of your ears, but not tightly. At this stage, he said it’s supposed to still be muffled and bassy.

In a week or less, the bandage on my arm will come off and that’ll mean it’s healed well enough to be exposed.

It didn’t hurt like I was afraid it would when he took the packing and stitches out. For now, he wants it open and exposed to let it heal better. It doesn’t look too gory, thankfully. I have to put eardrops in it 3 times a day and then once a day, as well as an ointment that keeps it from itching.

The only other bummer that’s a major inconvenience is that I have to keep water away from it, so I still can’t take normal, worry-free showers. Tom has to help wash my hair as well as do the drops and other stuff. He doesn’t mind and he’s been such a miracle through all of this. Again, whether or not you can handle this, there’s no way you can go through this alone with no one helping.

It’s so weird, though, putting drops in that ear when I never could before in my life cuz it was closed up.

Also, for the first time in my life, I can block the good ear, scuff my feet on the carpet and hear it! When Tom was on the phone talking to his mother, I could block the good ear, walk into the bedroom and still hear him!

Later Tom’s going to see if he can pick up a shower cap for times I want to shower without doing my hair. I like baths, but not all the time. He’s also got to pick up some Kleenex as I get some oozing here and there due to the drainage.

I have to return for follow-up appointments on 12/28, 1/5, and 1/10/.

I remembered to tell people this time when I wrote to them what Larry had said – that now I could tell people that something they’ve said to me has gone in one ear and out the other.

Tom’s going to come home from work at noon for the rest of this week, to do my ear drops, then I’ll only need them once a day. Well, that’s the scoop on my ear for now.

Yesterday I finished oldies tape #2, so today I’ll begin #3. Yesterday I got an old song by Paul McCartney and Wings called, Let ‘Em In. I used to love that song and I haven’t heard it in years. I had the 45 of it when I was little. I got lots of other good songs, too.

Andy wants to use the Phase-Out thing for his smokes. I don’t want it to be a hassle for me, so I’ll tell him to pick one day a week that he gets a carton and that’s when I’ll leave it in the screen door for him to use after I show him how, then he can toss it back in the mailbox.

Tom talked to Tammy and Andy yesterday. We tried calling my parents, but they weren’t home.

Later…

I just washed up, changed the bed, and worked out, believe it or not. I’m working out slightly harder due to not doing it for a few weeks.

Tom’s been joking about us having twins. He says he’s not joking, though, and that it’s a gut feeling. We’ll have a boy and a girl. Oh, God! It may sound kind of neat, but I think one’s enough.

I’ve got the tape in the box ready to begin oldies tape #3, but so far they’re playing shitty songs. I think I’ll move the tape to the box in the back room and do some typing.

Tom postponed our going Christmas shopping for his family till tomorrow or the next day.

Yesterday I amazingly fell asleep after only being up for 12 hours and I slept for 10 hours.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1994

Tom woke me up at 3:30, but we decided to do my hair instead of the Christmas shopping. He’ll probably do that himself tomorrow as we don’t want to keep getting me up too many days in a row. In fact, I feel like I could go to sleep for a few more hours.

We were just discussing what Tom’s going to get for his family. He’s going to wrap the presents and I’m going to fill out the nametags with my calligraphy pen.

Now he’s going to be taking a shower, then he’s going to have to do my ear.

Yesterday the Minnie Mouse jaguar blanket came. It’s quite comfy and I’m lying on it now. We’ve got it spread out on the living room floor.

I finished typing 30. I also got 2 songs on Oldies #3. Today I’m going to type up another document for him.

Later…

I typed up the Mary document and now I’m working on Lisa’s.

I just decorated some envelopes. I have a little ruler with shapes cut into it. I traced these shapes on the envelopes and colored some in.

They say it may rain today and I sure hope so, along with others. The pollution due to all the snowbirds coming here has been lousy this last week.

I’m due for my period today but haven’t gotten it yet. I know it’s coming, though, cuz I sure can feel it. I hope I get it tomorrow to shed some of this water off and the tenderness in my breasts. I feel like a blimp.

Before I do some more work on the Lisa document and also journal 31, I think I’ll go listen to music. Throughout the day, I hope to expand on oldies #3 quite a bit.

Later…

I got a lot done today. I did another document. So, now both Mary and Lisa’s are done. I began typing 31 and I updated my journal chart. The one I hang on my bedroom wall.

I just noticed a dime-sized bald spot caused by the pressure strap. Thank God it’s where my bangs are and not the long part and that my hair grows fast.

I tried to call Tammy at 3:30 my time. I guess she really can get a babysitter more easily than she said, cuz some 13-year-old girl answered saying she was with Bill who’s getting treatments. This girl was smart when she said the time differences correctly. Plenty of people in their 20s and 30s don’t get it right. I tried calling again a half-hour ago but got her machine.

I discovered a note from Andy in journal 31 that he wrote on my birthday card in 1992. I copied it in 7. I also think there are a couple of letters we got by mistake but I’m not going to copy them in.

Got a letter from Bob today and one from Kim. She says she understands my situation as far as why I didn’t see her, all’s fine, she agrees with me and she won’t worry if I won’t. She’s also happy for me about my ear. I was really glad to “hear” all this from her.

Copying these letters finished out the remainder of 7, so here’s what I’ll do now. I was asking myself, should I do another book of letters? Keep the originals in a box? Fill up blank pages with them, or put them wherever I am in current journals? Well, I’m going to type them, then print them out and put them in binders just like my typed-up versions of my journals. I’ll print out every 10 pages or so and I won’t type them in all capital letters. I’ll change fonts for every letter.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Minnie yet, but I’m sure I will very soon. Maybe not, though, she just had a kid.

The air is still pretty terrible, so I hope it hurries up and rains.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1994

Tom’s taking the day off from work and right now he’s playing computer games. Early this morning he went and got Christmas presents for his family. The people he got presents for are his parents, David and Evie, David and Mary, Ray and Nora, Nickolena (David and Evie’s kid), Mikey (David’s kid from a previous marriage), Jackie, Pam and Ryan (Ray and Nora’s kids) and Jennifer which is Pam’s kid. He got stuff like household stuff mainly.

He says his family’s curious to see my artwork, so he’s going to use my drawings on nametags. It’s amazing to have all these people curious about me. Also, how Tom really thinks I’m a good artist. Most people just don’t care.

If I don’t get my period today, this will be the second time in 1994 that I’ll be two days late. This time around, do I think I’m pregnant? No. I know I’ll get it.

I listened to music a little while ago and now I have the radio on, ready to record any songs I like.

Later…

Tom got more binder reinforces. I have 6 journals done. He also got shower caps and I just took a shower.

Later…

I was sooo horny, but Tom just took care of that.

In a little while, we’re going to work side by side on the two computers.

Later…

I did some typing on the computer and listened to music.

Since 9:00 last night, it’s been raining and I feel a million times better. The air is so much cleaner.

Tom and I tried to call my parents last night and today, but there was no answer.

Tammy called last night and gave the latest scoop on Bill. I really don’t feel he’ll be around past next summer. I have a feeling that he’s going to go next July or August, but I sure hope, for Tammy and the girl’s sake, that I’m way off for the better.

Later…

Tom’s watching a special on Meat Loaf I taped for him.

Soon, we’re going to be eating the Hamburger Helper he made and the garlic bread I made.

We finally got in touch with my parents. They haven’t heard from Goldie and Al either. They said for New Year’s they’re going to be taking part in some comedy show at a hotel. He says he doesn’t know all the details about it yet, but I sure wish I could see that on video.

Dad said Ma’s thinking of getting a computer for the flea market. How much do you want to bet that I inspired her? Also, she knows she can ask Tom and I any questions she may have.

I said Tom could tell them more about my follow-up appointment since, for the most part, I was out of it. He jokes, “You’re always out of it.”

I mentioned how I was shocked that they didn’t have a camcorder and Dad said, “Send us one, then.”

Then Ma said that Tammy said I was in touch with her (as if to say that’s nice of me).

Dad mentioned how each year gets better and better for me. This is so true. It’ll be like - wow! If 1995 is even better, cuz 1994 was so good. I never thought I’d ever say that about any year even though I ain’t got my foot jammed in the door musically.

I typed up letters to Kim and Bob and Tom showed me a better way to use the capping trick so it’ll now cap after question marks and exclamation marks. The only thing it doesn’t cap is certain names as well as the first letter of words beginning paragraphs.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1994

I got up at 5:30 this morning. Tom was already up. Today we watched TV, did some computer work, barbecued a steak, did laundry and screwed. Soon we’re going to wrap the Christmas presents for his family.

I’m two days late again for my period, but then again I’m not. No woman is that consistent with getting it every 28 days. From looking at my chart for 1994, 26-30 days is normal for me. I won’t be officially late till tomorrow evening, but I know I’ll get it. Probably when I wake up.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1994

Tom’s taking a shower now and in a couple of hours, we’ll be heading to his parents' house.

No more laxatives for me. They made me have the runs again.

I took a bath and Tom washed and brushed my hair.

Still no period. Do I think I’m pregnant? No. I think it’s the shock of the surgery and all I’ve been through with it. Or else I’m just late. Either way, I’ll get it by mid-January.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1994

Yesterday sure was a surprise for me. Once again, it’s like having either an extra birthday or an extra Chanukah.

Here’s what Tom’s got: An electronic horse racing game from David and Mary and a magnetic bowl for parts like nails and screws from Mom and Dad.

Here’s what we both got: A calendar and a chicken roaster from David and Evie. A Tupperware container of cookies and candy from Ray and Nora, and a glue gun from Mom and Dad. We each also got a $50 bill in tiny Christmas socks she made with our initials on them. His was red and mine was green. Definitely the first Christmas sock I ever got in my whole life.

Here’s what I got: A clothes hanger that you use to cover clothes with. Especially when you’re traveling. She made it (Mom and Dad). Two, 3-D posters from David and Mary and lots of other stuff mom had. A tie-dye book, various art books and supplies, and two journals! I could tell she had the journals for a while. One of them is like #2 and on the back there was a price tag that said $4.95. That’s what #2 cost back when I got it in early 1988. That was the price of the average journal. Now the average journal is $6.95. The other journal is a bit shorter and narrower, but it’s the thickest one I have with 192 pages. It had a paper cover saying, “The next-to-nothing book.” I took that off and it’s got a blank silver cover. Meaning, it’s all silver. I wrote, “Mystery’s Journal” on it with a permanent marker and then traced over it with a regular ballpoint pen. The funny thing about this is that Ma wrote 3 pages of religious stuff in 1980. I’m going to just leave it in there. Her handwriting sure does look like Tom’s which looks like Bob’s. I did some sketches in it, too.

Later…

Still no period, but Tom and I are certain it’s just due to all my mind and body have gone through due to the surgery and that I’ll get it soon enough.

Guess who called tonight? Fran. Tom answered, not sure who it was, and handed me the phone. Tom’s right. He does sound like Larry in a way. I hung up on him, but the little loser was talking as if nothing ever happened, all cheerful and like I’m his best friend. So now I know why he hasn’t called in so long. He did lose his phone for a handful of months. Andy had told me that when he tried to call him when he was in Springfield, his phone was disconnected.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1994

Today I’m being sort of lazy again. I couldn’t fall asleep till 1 AM, then Tom came to do my ear with the peroxide and ointment at 7:30 before he left for work. I fell back asleep till 9:30. It’s been so much easier to go back to sleep cuz there’s no continual noise. Also, it was pretty hard to fall back asleep when you’re so pissed off at the noisy people around you. This is the best and easiest I’ve slept in years. It’s great not having those two dreaded fears I had for so long before going to bed - Will I wake up with an asthma attack? Who will wake me up?

Amazingly, Fran never did call back again last night. I thought for sure he was going to leave a message or two. I have no desire to ever talk to him or Nervous ever again. I don’t even miss any good times we had, even though there wasn’t a whole heck of a lot of those. I don’t miss our funny talks or desire to tape and edit fights between Fran and Nervous or play games with Nervous. I’ll always love and keep any tapes I do have, but I’ve certainly outgrown them and have moved on.

Later…

I was just going to say that I still haven’t had my period, but I’ve got a couple of spots now. I knew I couldn’t be pregnant. Like God would finally let me have what I want for a change?

Anyway, I’m going to go do some typing now.

Later…

Today was a much better day. I felt more like my old self. For the few days before today, I was either bitchy or energyless.

I’m not sure now if that really was a spot. I had thought I was going to spot, which always leads to my period instantly, but the coast has been as clear as can be. I even put on a panty liner in the early afternoon but ditched it a few hours later. When Tom went down on me earlier he said my pH was fine and that I tasted fine, so that tells me it’s not right around the corner. Well, it may not be, but I can’t say for sure.

I was talking to Andy today for about an hour. When I was mentioning the dizziness and other side effects or alterations due to my surgery, I also subtly mentioned being 5 days late. Then, we went on to discuss how he feels very abandoned by his family and friends back East. No cards, calls, or letters from anyone. Then he said he had gotten a flash about my being pregnant when I said I was 5 days late. Honestly, I can’t see it. Who knows what the future holds, but right now it doesn’t seem real to me and my instincts say it’ll be here before mid-January. I feel like God’s teasing me!

Goldie called an hour or so ago. She thought my surgery was today. I didn’t talk to Al, but she was so happy for me and they’re in Las Vegas. I told her Ma said to call her cuz she didn’t have their number.

I completed the Becky document today and did I mention doing the Steven one a few days ago? Well, I did. I only have 5 documents left. The names are Eileen, Maria, Lamaris, Diane and another name I forgot. I also typed up quite a bit of 31.

Yesterday I took a water pill for the first time in quite a while. It’s great cuz I’m 99 pounds and look like I do after my period.

Now I’ve got no idea what in the world I’m going to do. I’m sick of typing and not in the mood for music and TV, so I’ll have to think of something.

Oh, I forgot to say this before, but I’ve got a current total of 355 letters. That’s a lot of letters!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1994

I wish I had lots to write about cuz we’re now at the doctor’s office where we’ll be for a very long time.

I had a spot today, so tomorrow I’ll be ragging full blast. Like I said, I knew I could not be pregnant and I know I’ll never be. Am I upset? No. There’s no use in getting upset over something I’ve already known. Also, there are so many positive things about not having a kid as well as having one. I guess this is God’s way of telling us we don’t need to deal with any other burdens.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1994

I sure did get a lot done today. I finished typing 31 and 82, the previous one. I also typed letters to my parents, Larry, Kim, Bob, and Minnie. Yesterday I typed one for Tammy and maybe tomorrow I’ll do one for Alex.

Yesterday I also got my period full blast. It wasn’t as easy to accept as I thought it’d be, either. Despite any fears or doubts, I really do want a kid.

The doctor’s appointment went OK. There is still a part of the skin graft that isn’t taking, but he really feels it’ll heal. We’re going to buy all the time we can to avoid another operation. There’s exposed bone in there now by the eardrum, but hopefully it’ll stay infection-free. I know if I had to have another operation, it’d be a joke compared to what I already went through, but I sure hope not!

As I was typing up the previous book, I noticed a few things I forgot to update on. We lazed out of putting my drawings on people’s Christmas name tags, for example. We both ended up wrapping the gifts together and I wrote out names with my calligraphy pen on small pieces of paper, which I taped onto the gifts.

Yesterday the doctor did give me some good news. I can now wear headphones and wow! It’s pretty cool. I can shower now too, but I have to stuff a cotton ball in it and make sure that ear doesn’t get filled with water. He doesn’t care about the outside, though.

I also typed up Bob’s letter I got yesterday and put it in a binder.

On January 2nd we’re planning on going out holiday shopping for each other.

We got a catalog today in the mail with all kinds of porn videos and toys and lotions and clothes. It looks kind of interesting and we may get stuff to spice things up even more, not that we’re bored.

Tom insists he was not kidding when he said he came back when I wrote about it in journal 82. Whatever.

I know I’ve got more to write about that’s slipped my mind at the moment, but I will after I watch TV. Oh yeah. I updated our list of stuff to do and get. Also, this Sunday morning, there’ll be two movies with Norah in them. Local Hero, which I’ve only got part of cuz the cable had been fucked up, and Deadly Game which I’ve never seen. I’ll expand more on this later, but I sure hope she doesn’t have short hair!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1994

I’m dealing with a part of Tom that’s very typical male and the only thing I miss about women. Male BO and male sloppiness. It’s not that he ever stunk so bad that I couldn’t get near him, but the scent in his room is far from feminine. I highly doubt he changes his sheets weekly as he once said he did. In fact, I’ve never seen him do sheets. It smells like it could be drool buildup, but I don’t know for sure. I’ve asked him before, and I’m going to try to see if he’ll let me in there to dust, vacuum and wipe surfaces. It’s just that he really really is hung up on living in filth. He really does like it. One time he spilled some soda and I offered to clean it for him and he was like, no, no, no. The longer that sets in, the harder it’ll be to clean, but he really likes that. I know how sensitive he is and want him to be himself, but we’ve compromised on other things, so I’m sure we can compromise with this. I’ve decided fair is fair, though, so I’m going to make a serious effort to smoke outside.

Tom made the period chart for 1995. Yeah, I’m sure to get each and every one of them, too.

Also, there’s a sex chart in the front of this book. It’s just something to do and I’m curious to see how often we screw. At the end of the year, it oughta be neat to see what the pattern is if there is any.

Tom reminded me that if I want to watch the ball go down in Times Square, I’ll have to watch it at 10 PM. No wonder I couldn’t find it when I searched for it my first new year here when it turned 1993. How stupid of me.

For a half-hour to 45 minutes, next door really got on my nerves and it wasn’t the kids, either. At about 10:30 last night, the guy drove in his somewhat loud van which is parked directly outside my bedroom window. After a couple of minutes, he slammed the door after he got out, then came right back out and I could hear it running. At first I thought maybe he and the wife got into a fight and he ran out into the van, turned it on for heat, but was too mad to go anywhere. I peeked out after a half-hour or so and saw him approaching the van in a business suit, then he left.

The pigs must be hot on someone’s tail right now. I hear helicopters swarming around out there. It doesn’t bother me, but they sure must be desperate.

Earlier I watched a really good movie and I can’t wait to see Deadly Game. I hope she’s got lots of scenes and that her hair’s not short and that I can create some pictures from it. I have gaps still on my bedroom walls that need filling up.

Later…

Tonight sure was my night for phone calls. Minnie called telling me never to have a kid cuz she can’t get no sleep. Marjorie called wanting to know about my ear but didn’t need to talk to Tom. She was telling me that there was a massive shootout last night in this area. That explains the helicopters.

These people next door are really getting to me again. It’s better than the kids screaming, but why must they constantly run their van for so long so many times a day? Can’t they just come and go normally?

Later…

I just took a break to listen to music and I didn’t feel like writing to the tune of that van. It’ll start up again any second.

Larry called and we had a good talk. He wanted to know about my ear and he told me a couple of funny jokes.

He was joking around and said there was a guy he knew who burned his eyelid lighting a cigarette and the only place they could do a skin graft was from his dick, so now he’s walking around cockeyed.

The other joke is something about taking two typewriters and having someone type on each one. Then they can be stereotyping.

More on our talk after a cigarette.

Later…

Wow! Out of the 365 days in 1994, I had my period for 37 days.

Tom ate me out earlier, but it’s not going on the chart yet, of course, cuz it’s not quite 1995.

I took both of our measurements earlier and I’m going to write them in soon. I’ll probably use blank sides of pages in previous books.

Larry’s going to stay home with his family for New Year. I was telling him how Tom told me that if I want to watch the ball go down at Times Square, I’ll have to watch it at 10 PM here. No wonder I couldn’t find it on TV here when I turned it on to watch it at midnight for my first new year here which was 1993.

He says it’s continuing to get worse in Springfield and Hartford and that there were 4 murders in Hartford alone today. What else is new?

He said he talked to Tammy and it was all about Bill. He said he wouldn’t wish what he’s going through on his worst enemy, but that it’s not his idea of a conversation, especially with a weak stomach.

I asked him what I should say if she were to ask me for his number. He says he’s still not ready to deal with her, doesn’t want her to call, and says to say I don’t have the number so her feelings aren’t hurt. OK, I can respect that.

Then, he asked me if I’d heard from Jenny (Jenny C). I said no and that as far as I knew she was supposed to hate me. Larry said she knows the past is the past and that she and I were naïve. He’s giving her my number, he says, and she can call if she wants to. At this point, no I’d never want to resume a full-time friendship with her, but I can handle a phone call. Also, in this day and age, I’d rather be dumped or rejected by 10 people than have to fight with one.

I know I never thought my brother would ever call me, but I’m almost sure Jenny won’t. She probably sees no point in it. Especially with me so far away now.

How do I feel? Well, it really doesn’t matter if she calls or not. It’s up to her. I mean, we just never had all that much in common.

I think that’s all the major things he told me.

Tom understood fully well about my written request I left to clean his room when I got up today. I changed his sheets, dusted and vacuumed and now that foul smell is gone.

I got a quick note from Kim today, passing along the cow confetti she got from her cousin in Texas for me to pass on to whomever. I typed up a letter to Alex, so he’s getting it. I also typed up the Diane document and have 3 left - Eileen, Maria, and Lamaris.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1994

Tom’s out fixing Eileen’s daughter Robin’s computer now and I hope he’s back by 6:00 so he can tape 6 hours’ worth of stuff in his room so I can watch the ball go down tonight. If not, I’ll start it in the living room and at some point after he’s home, I can have him swap it during a commercial. Tomorrow morning we’re going to tape the two Norah movies on two different tapes on SP in the living room. He’s going to tape them on 1 tape on SLP in his room.

Last night I began to type up 32, so now there’s nothing left to do before 1993. I’m at 1/15 shortly after I began dancing. Instead of highlighting the entry dates with markers after I print it out, there’s a bold button you can hit that does it for you.

I went around and changed all the calendars.

I just had a good idea. When I highlight entry dates in these journals, I’ll change colors every month. The colors I currently have are green, pink, blue and yellow. I just used green, so I’ll use pink for Jan., blue for Feb., and yellow for March.

My tan lines are almost gone, but my hair remains somewhat lighter. Especially at the ends and I’ve got a lot of red/gold highlights.

Last night after he finally shut the van off I heard the van door slide shut 3 times or so. I wonder if they’re taking off, but I doubt it. This is a very “homey” family, except for church on Sundays, and that month they went to Idaho.

I sure hope to hell he ain’t running that van tonight when I’m watching the ball go down. Especially if Tom and I do anything as far as sex goes. That really breaks my concentration.

I was a little slow last night when I was talking to Larry. When I mentioned the vacuuming of my ear, he goes, “That must’ve sucked.” I got the joke later on, though.

I thought about it and I realized he may have already given Jenny my number. Why else would he ask if I’ve heard from her? There’d be no way for her to get the number otherwise.

Later…

Tom got home in time to tape those movies, and he threw my comforter in the dryer.

In exchange for working on the computer today, they gave him a game called Myst. You search through all these places and uncover whatever. It’s pretty weird so far. It’s also got a soft-covered 60-page journal for you to write in clues you observe.

We’re waiting for the food to arrive that we ordered. Pizzas, veggie sticks and fried mushrooms. The veggie sticks are fried, too.

I left Andy a message.

Later…

Dinner arrived and we ate. The veggies did turn out to be raw carrots, but they were good, and I gave some to Piggy.

I played some more of that Myst game. Sure is weird.

Mom and Dad called, and Dad said they did go to that hotel and he danced and sang. I wish I could’ve seen that or could get some pictures. They also wished us a happy new year.

Current Location: Arizona

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twdmusicboxmystery · 4 years ago

Text

When a Grady Actor Confirmed TD and Other Reasons the Spoilers Don’t Spoil TD

Okay Everyone, I’m gonna cover a few of things today that I hope will help everyone to continue feeling at least somewhat better about the spoilers.

***More spoilers below (same ones as yesterday, actually) but don’t read if you don’t want to know. You’ve been warned.***

1) Could the spoilers be fake?

I got plenty of messages and comments yesterday, too. Some of them claiming these spoilers aren’t even true and the person who spoiled them is a troll and unreliable.

Now, before everyone starts messaging me and commenting about how you “know” these are true and the screeners are out, please note that I’m not making a claim either way. The account that spoiled this isn’t one who normally gets and reviews screeners, which means they could be false. That doesn’t mean that account didn’t get these from a reputable source, which means they could be true.

As I said yesterday, overall, I think they’re probably true. I think they were probably intentionally leaked to hype up the fandom and gauge our reactions. And I would rather you all make your peace with them being real rather than holding out hope that they’re totally false. But I think it’s worth reiterating that they haven’t been 100% confirmed, yet.

2) There’s a whole other person involved in this Leah arc that we don’t know about yet.

You know how yesterday I went on and on about how we don’t have anything near all the details of this arc? Well, someone pointed this out to me. Don’t feel bad if you totally missed it, because I did, too, and I haven’t seen anyone talking about it.

Look at the picture of Leah below carefully. Look at what’s behind her. If you look closely, there’s someone kneeling on the ground. They’ve got one knee resting on the floor, and the other one pointed toward the ceiling with their foot flat. You can see one shoulder to the left of Leah’s hip.

Spoilers make no mention of this person. We have no idea who they are or how they fit into the story.

This looks to me like it’s when she and Daryl first meet (hence, she doesn’t trust him and is holding him at gunpoint) and she seems to be protecting this person from him. Whoever it is, it probably has to do with why she’s out there to begin with, and will probably factor in how/why she disappears.

And I have no doubt that this shot is purposeful, guys. If they wanted us to know about this person directly, they would have given us a more obvious shot of them. And yet, they have put hints of the person in the shots they DID release. Isn’t that just like them?

But my point is, this is proof that there is a lot about this episode the spoilers are leaving out. So please keep that in mind.

3) When a Grady actor directly addressed TD.

So, for the past few days, as you can imagine I’ve been talking with and consoling people about these spoilers. I just keep going back to the stuff we KNOW. Like that there are missing scenes Emily was in from S5. Those have nothing to do with Leah and suggest Beth’s return. And if she’s returning, I promise you, Bethyl will be a thing.

The other thing I mentioned to people is when Jarod Thompson (guy that played one of the Grady cops) addressed TD directly.

I quickly realized I needed to repost this because no one seemed to have any idea what I was talking about. Then it took me an hour to find it because I didn’t give it its own post when I first posted it. It was buried at the bottom of this Rick’s Fate post from S9 and not properly indexed. But I did finally locate it.

So, here’s the rundown. Right after the episode where Jadis took Rick away in the helicopter, Jarod Thompson tweeted this:

I’m pretty sure you can’t find this tweet anymore. It was taken down. But let me make a couple of points here.

First, the obvious. TD has nothing to do with Leah. She wasn’t even on anyone’s radar back then. So what he’s telling us here has nothing to do with Leah. He’s basically telling us that Beth will return.

Translation: Leah doesn’t matter. Beth is coming back.

This is just one (of many) things that keeps me strong in TD. Because the actor actually confirmed this for us. And then it was quickly taken down, which is always suspicious to me. Why? Well, I’m sure some people will be quick to counter with the argument that maybe he was just trolling or making fun of us. But I don’t see that as a terribly logical argument.

He’s never done it before or since.

We have other evidence (HERE) of him working with Emily post-season 5, and possibly in the hospital setting.

The timing is suspicious. This happened after Rick left. And I personally think that what he referred to here was the CRM. 9x05 was the first time they really came front and center, an active part of the story. So I think he was hinting that Beth is inside that organization as well and that now that the audience knows who they are, the stage is set and things are in motion for her return.

For the record, it was not long after this that we started getting the massing amount of Beth/Emily promotion on social media.

Most importantly, his tweet was removed, probably by him at someone else’s request. Think about this really logically, guys. They don’t remove tweets about Caryl happening. They don’t remove teases about Daryl and Connie. They only remove suspicious posts that might tell us something about Beth’s return. There’s a reason for that.

Furthermore, consider this. He’s kind of a small-time actor on the show. Of course I don’t mean that in a negative way. He’s fabulous. But I mean he’s not a main character on the show like Andy or Norman or Lauren. And HE knows all about TD, what we want, obviously what is going to happen, and which events in the show constitute room for us “to breathe.”

So what does that tell you about other actors on the show, the writers, and any higher-ups connected to the show?

Yeah. Exactly.

Which leads me to my next order of business:

4) Kirkman’s Post/Poll

I think most people saw this last night, but if you didn’t , here it is.

You can still vote HERE. I took the screenshot last night. I just checked again and the percentage has gone down a couple of points (still at 47%) with more than 9500 votes at this time. So the ‘bring Beth back’ option is still the runaway winner.

Here’s the thing. The timing on this is super-suspicious to me. When was the last time Kirkman tweeted something about Beth? I have no idea, and don’t care to go digging through his Twitter account to find out, but I promise you he hasn’t done it in a long time. He’s said things about her and Bethyl during interviews and such, of course, but he doesn’t just randomly tweet about her. Like...ever.

So you’re telling me that on day 2 after these spoilers leak, when the fandoms are loosing their collective minds, Kirkman just so happens to post this? No way. I don’t buy it.

Look, I know most of us don’t like Kirkman. And I’m not defending him. I don’t like him either. But after watching his interaction with tptb all these years, I have come to believe that they do use him.

Gimple (and now Kang, I’m sure) are very careful about what they say. Guys, I’ve watched and analyzed this VERY closely over the years, which is why I always say that they never directly lie to us. Misdirection? Yes. Hyperbole? Of course. But they never look into the camera and tell us something blatantly untrue.

I believe that’s because they don’t want the fans to be able to point at anything they say and accuse them of falsehood. That’s why they can’t ever say much, because it’s either give spoilers (which they won’t) or lie (which they also won’t). That’s why their answers are always so vague and general and very, very irritating.

But Kirkman isn’t one of the showrunners. He’s connected to it, of course, and I think he knows a lot about what’s coming down the pipeline, but if he says something that’s untrue, tptb can simply shrug and say, “he’ doesn’t make executive story decisions.” Because of that, I believe they use him to sew discord and misdirection.

And again, I’m not saying this isn’t troll-ish. I’m not saying I like this tactic or that it’s a good thing. I’m simply saying this is what they do.

So when Kirkman says anything TD-related, I pay attention. Not because I think we should take it at face value, but because the timing, context, how he frames it, and what’s going on in the fandom at the time can tell us a lot about it and give us some clues.

So, in this case, I think tptb are watching the fandom’s reactions to the spoilers and trying to do a little damage control. But here’s what really gets me: he only mentioned Beth, and specifically in the context of bringing her back. I mean, ALL the shipping fandoms are freaking out right now. All of them are hating these spoilers and losing their shit right now. But he ONLY mentions Beth.

I truly believe that this is tptb, through Kirkman, addressing TD specifically, and just kind of throwing us a bone. They’re not addressing the others because there isn’t any hope for those other ships.

I know there will be people who disagree with him and think he’s just making fun of us. I understand why people think that. But guys, if that were the case, we’d see at least SOME comments about other characters or ships. There aren’t any. And hey, look through the comments on his tweet. There’s a ton of Beth support (which is why she won the poll) and a few haters, but there are also lots of people who are kind of mystified, saying things like, “How about bring back Glenn? Or Rick? Or Carl?”

See what I mean?

5) The time Gimple Confirmed Something that was NOT Going to Happen on the Show

Okay, gonna end by reminding you of just one more thing. Just a couple of months ago, before the finale of The World Beyond, S1, one of the actors teased on TTD that we might see Rick in the finale.

Now, that was totally false. The finale came and went with no Rick (obviously). The actor was just trolling and trying to get people riled up, which he succeeded at. A few days later, Gimple was giving an interview to a clickbait site and they asked him about it. Gimple started to give his run-of-the-mill, vague answer but stopped mid-sentence and said this:

ComicBook.com asked Gimple if World Beyond was working up to a Rick Grimes reveal.

“You know what? I’m very happy to say… I’m not happy to say the answer,” he said, clearly aware he was about to disappoint people. “I’m happy to be definitive with people. It is not.”

That’s one, I don’t know if people are being cagey about that. But I feel that one’s important not to be cagey about…I think people could watch this show and learn a lot about the mythology that Rick Grimes is caught up in. And they might even see places where Rick Grimes has been. But yeah, he’s not swinging around the corner. And I don’t even know if I’m making people upset saying that, but I just don’t like people watching it, sort of expecting Rick.”

Full article HERE.

Guys, they’ve never done that with Beth and TD. EVER!!!

I’m just saying.

And I can already hear counter arguments about how they’ve never shut down other ships like C@ryl or Donnie either. You’re right, but those characters are still front and center on the show. If Beth is dead and not coming back, why wouldn’t they put her to rest for us the way he did with this Rick rumor? (And I’m also going to argue that they’ve given us very clear indications in the show about a few of these ships, and the shippers just don’t want to accept them. But that’s not entirely relevant here.)

Thoughts?

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

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astronomoney · 4 years ago

Text

This story was made by @tomatosamla and @le-green-lion and inspired by that one Oogway quote and the villain from spy kids 4 because why the fuck not

Summary: The Teen Titans of the future are sucked into the past where they run into their parents and must work together to get back to their own time

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: cursing, time travel, speedsters (they deserve their own warning)

Gifts

Chapter One: A Twist in Time

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift! That is why it is called present.

-Oogway

The day was as clear as Gotham could be. Batman and the Teen Titans were battling the villain known as Tick Tock, another Arkham wannabe that was kinda powerful in his own right, he was able to slow down time which definitely gave him advantage over the team, thankfully the speedster was able to do more damage than the rest (thank you superspeed).

"Damnit," Andromeda Kent cursed as time slowed once again. "I can't land any hits on this guy!"

"Just keep trying," Thomas Wayne shouted back. "He can't keep this up forever so we just need to outlast him! Kid Flash, go right!" He threw an exploding batarang at the villain and it moved in slow motion, drifting towards Pamela West who used her Super speed to give it an extra boost. Even with her help Tick Tock still had time to casually side step and avoid getting hit, luckily Nobody had planned for this and the batarang exploded next to the villains head.

He was thrown off balance and the effect of his powers disappeared giving Jaiden Pham a chance to use their powers. With the Green Lantern ring they tied up Tick tock so he couldn't slow the time. The Teen Titans walked over to him cautiously and Pam spoke up.

"Haha we stopped you! You really thought you'd get away with it butcha didn't cause we're here! The Teen Titans can stop anyone who threatens the innocent!" she rambled in true speedster fashion.

The villain laughed. "Do you really think you've defeated me? I'm offended. You must think of me as any old cheap bad guy without a backup plan. Well children, that was your first mistake." A swirling light came out of the ground underneath him, it stretched and began sucking things in. The heros were taken by surprise and none of them had time to react before they were sucked into the void.

Batman was the only person left on the road.

"KIDS!" screamed Damian as he saw his children fall into the portal, he reached out to grab them but they were already gone.

The Titans landed in a hard surface face first, Caipora was the first one to react, she tried attacking Tick Tock but he once again used his powers, she was able to land a hit thanks to her super abilities. Thomas once again began giving orders, until he saw his brother.

"Orphan! What the fuck are you doing here?!"

"I don't know. I was collecting intel and then I landed here!" he replied.

"Watch out!" screamed a guy in the... Robin costume?

"What the he-" said Kai, right before being pushed aside by none other than the Yara Flor herself, but she was younger...?

Tick Tock tried using his tricks once again, this time accelerating time (which none of them had seen before) in order to send Pam flying with too much speed for anyone's liking, Jai West was able to catch her in time.

"What is going on?" this time spoke Minh, Damian was... confused to say the very least, why was this kid dressed as him? Were these teenagers cosplaying or playing dress up? Those costumes looked like real hero stuff, so what the hell was going on?

Andromeda launched herself towards Tick Tock once more, the villain accelerated time again and Superboy came to catch her as the time warper slowed time once more. Damian started barking orders to all the heroes, he figured the abilities of those weird teenagers just by observing, maybe they would serve a purpose. Together the two teams tied Tick Tock once again, Damian touched his communicator in order to contact the batfam and take this dangerous villain to Arkham, in the meantime, they needed to talk.

Tick Tock laughed at their attempts to catch him before slowing time so much that they could barely move. "As fun as this is, I really must be going. I'm sure I'll see you all later." And with that he disappeared behind a corner leaving two generations of Titans behind, and one of those generations stranded.

Once the villain was far enough away his powers wore off and everyone was released from the time trap. Damian, kind of frustrated, went over to someone who was dressed like Nobody, first as he assumed that was the leader.

"Do you know that guy?"

"Yeah, an Arkham villain, before today we didn't think much of him, but now... I don't know."

"I don't know any Arkham villain with those abilities."

"Seriously? He's one of the popular ones."

Damian looked at him with just a brow raised, not much else in his face, Thomas eyes widened, he looked around and saw every other hero there, his sister gave him a confused look as he began to kinda panic.

"You're R-r-obin... the fifth Robin."

Damian moved his head in surprise, the other Titans started to figure out as well and they also started to panic.

"Yes, who are you?"

He didn't know if he should tell him, Thomas looked at his teammates and all of them nodded their heads, he took his mask off, Damian formulated a theory before the guy talked (they looked way too similar to him to be a coincidence), boy was his theory wrong.

"I'm your son."

Everyone of the present Titans froze at that, "What?"

"My name is Thomas Wayne, this is my brother-" he said signaling for his siblings to come over, "Jackson Wayne, and my sister... Minh Wayne." Damian was in shock, he kinda believed him because the similarities are way too many to ignore, still, he wouldn't totally believe them until he made some DNA tests.

Andromeda went over to Jon and Yara, "Mom... Dad-" she said, hugging them, they reacted kinda late, Jon totally believed her right that instant and hugged her back, Yara on the other hand wasn't quite sure.

Pam on the other, other hand didn't make any sentimentalism shit and just launched herself to her father, Jai didn't react right away, it took him a moment to process.

The Pham kids firstly went to Lian and then, smiling, Kai signaled his dad to come join them in the not so comfortable hug, Tai was shook, and drama completely ensued, because... well... he was not dating Lian... he was dating Mar'i.

"Wait a second, you're saying that you guys," Lian motioned towards the future Titans. "Are our," she pointed back at her team. "Kids? More specifically me and Tai have... kids?" She was definitely in shock as she looked over at Tai.

Mar'i stepped forward and spoke up. "That can't be right. I mean I'm dating Tai but if you guys are supposed to be their kids then," She paused as if trying to figure out how to word the question. "Then what happens to me?"

"YOU GUYS DATED?!?" Pam exclaimed before anyone else could say anything. "You never told me that!"

"KF, now's not the time." Thomas jumped in, he realized how confusing the situation was and he wasn't too sure what happened either but he did know they'd be better off talking about it somewhere more secure. He turned to Damian who still looked sceptical about everything. "You probably don't believe us and won't want to take us back to your base so why don't we head to a safe house. Is the one on Schapp avenue up yet?"

"We don't have any safe houses on Schapp avenue but I do know of a place nearby." He glanced at Jon, his eyes told the super to be alert. The Future Titans looked, acted, and had powers awfully similar to the Teen Titans but who's to say they weren't just trying to trick them. "It's on the corner of Camron and Murphy, are you familiar with that area?"

"Upper west side right?" Minh asked. "We know it but where we're from it's called the West River district."

"Interesting," Damian muttered. He looked around at the future Titans again before turning towards his bike. "Let's all meet there." With that he sped off, the Teen Titans followed shortly after most of them having some form of fast power. The Future Titans were left standing on the corner.

"Listen team, I don't know what's happening but we're clearly in the past and I don't think telling them everything about the future is the best idea." Thomas said in his signature Batman authority voice. "If they know what'll happen to them they might try to prevent some things and that won't go over well for anyone so be careful about what you say. Especially you KF."

"What? Why are you targeting me?" She asked with exaggerated offense.

"Because out of everyone on this team you're the most likely to tell them about some crazy important event that they definitely shouldn't know about," Jaiden laughed, pointing out how bad Pam was at keeping secrets.

She smacked their arm lightly. "That is so not fair."

"Also, Kai, I know you didn't do it on purpose but... come on man" Thomas continued.

"Everyone was doing it!"

"So they DID date, why didn't anyone tell m-"

"Just!" interrupted Jackson "let's get this over with, we will meet them there and then we will find a way to go back to our time and also to capture Tick Tock."

Andromeda interjected, "or... we can capture Tick Tock and wait for our parents to come for us."

"Either way, we should get going, knowing my dad he called grandpa Bruce to bring some DNA tests and uncle Tim will be there too, and knowing them they will bring the whole family and uncle Dick will be very impatient." said the team leader with his siblings nodding every word he said.

"In that case, wouldn't all of our families be called?" Asked Pam.

"I don't know, probably not." answered Jaiden.

Thomas and Jackson were carried there by Andy, because super strength, Kai was carried by Jaiden, because ring, and Mihn was carried by Pam, because speed. Maybe some drama would ensue, but they were sure of something, everything would work out.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?!"

"I don't remember uncle Jason ever being this strong worded with his kids, or us for that matter." said Mihn in a whisper to Kai who just nodded in shock.

"Little Wing, just... don't." Dick put a hand up before anything else could be said or done. "Ok, so... ummm, jeez, how do we start this?"

May we clarify that this conversation took place right after the DNA results returned, and they CONFIRMED that those kids were the Titans kids. Bruce went into shock, with Selina trying to calm him down (the main word being trying), Tim and Dick were surprised but said nothing, Jason... we already know, Clark was already playing with Jon and Andromeda, Roy almost fainted, Kori also started playing with Pam, and overall it was a very quiet moment for everyone... surprisingly.

"Soooo... who is your mom?" asked an Irey full of curiosity to her niece.

"Oh, she's-"

"Nope nope nope nope nope, you won't do that, nope." interrupted Jaiden.

Pam whined "But whyyyy?"

Andromeda puts a hand on her shoulder and says "Because, if anything in this world screams 'Temporal mayhem' it is speedsters."

"Ugh Andyyyy, that's no fun." Pam slumped.

"All right" says Irey, Andy lowers her hand and the next thing anyone knows is that Pam is almost on top of Irey screaming out loud "HER NAME IS RENATA AND SHE'S A CIVIL- ow, what was that for?" she said holding her head after Kai had used one of his arrows on her, barely touching her but making her stop.

"Why wouldn't I?"

Thomas just shook his head in disappointment for their behavior, and Dick came to ask him something, of course he wouldn't miss a chance to tease his little brother.

"So, who's your mom?"

"I definitely won't answer that one, thank you very much."

On the other side of the safe house (in the same room, just on the other side of it) Jason aproched Jackson.

"What's your name kid?"

"Jackson...?"

"No motherfucking way, shit dude, HEY DEMON SPAWN, YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER REPLACEMENT?"

"Wait what?!" asked Tim before anyone could say anything.

"HIS NAME IS JACKSON!"

Mihn walked over to them, "Ummm, yeah, so?"

"You get along with Demon Spawn and you get along with Replacement, oh how great this day is."

"Jason, please stop, you're embarrassing me" complained Drake while Damian was giving them all his best ew face, Dick was kinda giving them a little smile, Jason was laughing his ass off and Bruce had a face that spelled regret for having so many children.

"Yeah, and my second name is Peter." Everyone froze at that, everything was silent until Dick, Tim and Damian, all at the same time started hysterically laughing

#teen titans #future titans #future timeline #titans #dc characters #dc writers #dc fanfic

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your-world-with-nct · 5 years ago

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— 2020 has been a wild year for all of us and let me start this off by saying well done to us all for simply making it through this crazy ride - if surviving this year was your biggest achievement, that’s completely okay, and i am so proud of you for being here today !! despite the many, let’s say, mishaps, that have occurred this year, both nct and nctzens have been key in my 2020 and i couldn’t be more grateful for them, so i decided to make a little appreciation post of my own before the year ends 🥰

— to my followers ;

my petals !! i can’t believe i started off this year with around 300 followers and i’m now nearing 600 🙈 this account has grown so much this year and it’s all thanks to you. if you’ve ever come across my blog, liked or reblogged a piece of mine, sent me an ask, or pressed that follow button, i want you to know that i am so grateful for you and thank you for enjoying my works 🥺 hopefully 2021 will carry the same positive energy here on your-world-with-nct as it has this year and i’m hoping that you’ll be seeing a lot more fics in the near future 👀 once again, i love you petals <3

— to my dearest mutuals ;

@emistoomultifandom

em bubs !!! i know i could easily do this on any other app or even irl but i just wanted to thank you for making my year 🥺 my lockdown wouldn’t have been the same without us constantly texting and fangirling and our ty track/bfc reunion on my birthday was elite. and obviously this new school year has been an adventure and a half so far, with all the lunch time shenanigans, revision sessions, and exam stress, but i can’t wait for the rest of it 🙈 i am so grateful that i had you by my side during 2020 and i am eternally thankful that i’ll be able to go into the new year with you by my side once again 🧡💚💜

@misfitneo

bella - my first mutual, my tumblr mum - it feels like just yesterday that you wrote a beomgyu blurb for me after seeing my pink theme; now you’ve finished college and i’m applying to colleges 🙈i know we haven’t been able to talk as much recently but that doesn’t mean i appreciate your presence any less - i’m so proud of you for getting into med school and pursuing your dream 🥺🥺 i hope that this year treated you well, and that 2021 treats you even better 💞

@nsheeteeish

loml, almost birthday-twin, fellow leo and xiaojaem stan, fave writer - what do these things have in common? they all apply to v, or, yeet anon, if you remember the days where i ranted to you about my crush and you were a baby stay 😪 not only have you delivered such amazing content on ur writing and gif blogs, but you have provided so much comfort and joy to me whenever we message with dilay 🤧 i look forward to checking your blog every day for new posts and my twt and insta notifs in case you’ve sent me something or you’ve seen what i sent you 🙈 the fact that you think of me when you see certain things just warms my heart and you’re just such a caring person in general, thank you for being a part of my 2020 v, all the best wishes for your 2021 🖤

@cloudyangers

dilay !!! my resident yangqi and the person i think of straight away whenever i see yangyang 😚 i remember when you first requested that e2l chenle blurb back in 2019 and now the only chenle stan between us is v 😁 finding you on this app again after i forgot what ur skz blog’s url was, was just amazing and i don’t know what my tumblr experience would be like without me being able to reconnect with you 🥺 thank you for being able to make me laugh effortlessly with our lack of geography knowledge and our random antics, i will always look forward to seeing the username @cloudy_____ on my dash and screaming over renhyuckyang (+ sungchan 👀) with you for years to come 🤍

@nctsoftarchives

andi bb, my fellow dad!johnny stan 🥺 seeing you post a jaemin birthday blurb for me after your return to tumblr was so sweet and i can’t believe your first post after coming back was dedicated to me 🤧 i remember the day i first messaged you and you were gushing over how you were a big fan of mine and i said the same about you - we were just going back and forth about how much we love each other’s work 😌 you are such a talented writer and you are so full of love - wishing all the best for you in the coming new year babie 🥰

@jensungf

coming across leyna’s blog after reading that jsmr fic was the best decision, because not only have i befriended a brilliant writer, but also a jensung enthusiast who is just the kindest 🥺🥺 i think now would be a good time to tell you that despite jeno’s bias wrecking antics back in august, i actually bias jisung now 😃 i know we haven’t talked in a while, because of our busy schedules, but i hope you’re resting well and i hope that 2021 won’t be as hectic for you 💟

@doyoungcore

joyce, i know we only started talking recently but the serotonin boost both you and your works have given me this year is just incredible and i am so thankful for your warm personality on your blog and for your amazing fics 🤧 i started off as a silent reader who gushed about your writing in the tags but now i’m friends with such a talented writer and we just casually ramble about doie and jaems biases and writing struggles,,, wow 🤯 (btw took some of ur tips on editing headers 🙈) i hope that next year we can expand our friendship and that i can continue to give you the feedback you deserve 🥺💕

— favourite reads of the year ;

i have reblogged all of these to my main @/lovelycharm05 before, but i just wanted these masterpieces on here with everyone since these fics are so memorable and enjoyable to me <3 (beware there is lots of me gushing over how f&%#ing good all these writing techniques and plot devices are - can you tell i’m an eng lit nerd)

@nsheetee - moonlight café

obviously v released so many iconic pieces this year but this series was just *chef’s kiss* coffee shop au’s are the cutest to me because you can do so many different things with them, and you truly showcased that through each members’ part. although i am nahyuck biased (out of all the 00 liners), i have a soft spot for jeno’s part 🥺🤧 but that doesn’t mean i’m not obsessed with jealous jaems and cocky hyuck 🙈

@notnctu - to all the j’s i loved before

the very first work i ever read of yours, joyce 🥺🥺 i remember seeing an nct network reblog this and after reading through the summary of the series, i was enticed by the plot and i read most of your masterlist whilst waiting for the next parts 🤧 the main character’s relationship with each ‘j’ was unique to them and their interactions were just so sweet to read (except jaemin’s >:( why did my ult’s part have to be the angsty one 😤 jk jk i loved it anyways) special mention to ‘cupid’s arrow’, because that fic was an emotional rollercoaster and i loved that almost as much as i love bestfriend!jungwoo in the last part 😌

@misfitneo - lee haechan’s pride

it would be a sin if i didn’t include this in my top reads this year, pun intended 😌, especially since i have a weakness for mafia aus. i haven’t had the time to read mark or renjun’s parts yet, but from what i read in this fic, i’m sure theirs are just as good, if not better. the storybuilding and the development of the plot are so detailed and intricate and that is what i love in a fic. i already reviewed this on my main with a lengthy description of my favourite parts so i’m gonna keep this short and sweet - if you love haechan, mafia au’s, and enemies to lovers, you need to read this !!

@jensungf - passing clouds + only forever

these fics hit different now that i bias jisung 😭 ‘passing clouds’ was pure angst and as much as it hurt, it was written so beautifully and i loved it so much. ‘only forever’ healed the jisung shaped hole in my heart and made me fall in love with him all over again. the first love vibes he gives off is unbelievable and that innocence was presented perfectly in this 🤧 side note: never let jisung bake for you even if it’s as a peace offering 😖

@hyucksie - in the long run + second first kiss

although ‘sweet talk’ and ‘silent treatment’ are also contenders for some of my favourite fics of the year, these two have taken the cake 😌 the concept itself of time travel and mark and y/n seeing their future child was so creative and the mixed emotions that the characters experienced seeing their future were executed so well and the ending when their actual future selves remembered the day they time travelled 🥺🥺 not to mention the sequel doesn’t feel forced at all, the story flows well, and jealous mark is a cutie 🥰

@luvdsc - not clickbait

i’ve been following cat after i first read ‘i turned my best friend into an e-boy!! (and kissed him)’ and ever since then every piece of hers that i’ve read is simply breathtaking and so engaging. her style of writing is so unique and whenever i read anything of hers i feel so immersed in the fic. the dreamies as youtubers and tiktokers was such a cute concept to me and the little comment section at the end of each fic is probably my favourite part 😳 the way each member’s fic connects to the plot of another is perfect and their cameos in one another’s fic >>> (jisung telling y/n about the tiktok challenge in mark’s fic + cameraman jisung in chenle’s) i could keep talking abt this series for a lot longer but i’ll end it here, also i can’t wait for norensung’s parts 💞💞

@pwarkhans - the neo academy

i’ve probably mentioned my love for ‘the umbrella academy’ before but THIS !!! this series just made me love it even more 🙈 despite yangyang’s part being the only one that’s out, that and the prologue are interesting enough and seeing the 00 liners in this alternate universe is honestly amazing jxjwjxkw jaemin as three and hyuck as two is everything. the brothers’ relationship, especially in yangyang’s part, is so complicated yet so cute and i can’t wait for the rest of the members’ parts 💘

@yongtxt - vintage

when i first stumbled across this series, i was immediately intrigued by the plot, and not just because it was about rapper!mark and singer!y/n🧑‍🦯🧑‍🦯 the side characters (dreamies + doie and jisoo) were so funny and well-written and the plot >>>> i was so invested in the twists and turns of the story, the relief i felt when the conflict was finally resolved and we got our fav musician couple !!

@byunbaekby - apartment b23

i only found this series recently but wow am i invested in the plot already 😭😭 the conflict in the story is realistic and feels like something you could actually relate to. norenmin’s friendship/bond is so strong and evident through the story and the side characters are my babies (heejin, shuhua, lia - ily 🤧) i can’t wait for the rest of this series since i am a sucker for the perfect balance of angst, fluff, and crack in this 🥰

— favourite works of the year ;

unfortunately i haven’t had enough time to release any fics this year, and i’m hoping that that won’t be the case next year, but here are my top 5 favourite blurbs that i enjoyed writing and reading <3

1:48pm -> dad!johnny

one of the most popular blurbs on my blog to this day 🥺 honestly i get why, who doesn’t love dad!johnny? hyejoo is literally so adorable here and the family dynamics make me soft all over again whenever i reread this piece. also everyone’s reactions and replies to this are so heartwarming because everyone’s just whipped for the suh family 🙈

1:05pm -> soulmate!taeyong

i love soulmate au’s but something always irked me with the permanence of your soulmate like ,,, what if you end up falling out of love with them? then what? that inspired me to write my own take on soulmates, where they aren’t found, but made. taeyong’s character here is just so full of love and you know how much i love lovable boys 🤧 (ever wondered why i ult na jaemin...?)

12:13pm -> boyfriend!mark

7dream!!!! i don’t usually write domestic fluff even though it’s one of the genres i indulge in the most 😔 but when i do, i go all out because everyone needs to know how soft i am for my boys >:( mark’s love for the dreamies is so unique and i love their friendship so much, i had to write about it when i first heard about the 7dream announcement which i definitely did not cry at

11:40pm -> boyfriend!jeno

this was one of the first requests i ever got and i was just so touched than someone personally requested something from me AND it was jeno 🥺🥺 everytime i read the tags under this, everyone is just gushing over jeno and like,,, same 🙈 this type of fluff >>>

waking up with wayv -> wayv reaction

when em first requested this, i didn’t exactly know how to write something for each member without being too repetitive, but in the end, i loved the mini plots i wrote for them and it’s just one of my underappreciated faves 🥰

— favourite releases of the year ;

just a few of my favourite albums that got me through online school and revision sessions for offline school 🥲 ft. lots of nct + october albums bc that month was PACKED

nct 2020 - resonance pt1 + pt2

nct 127 - neozone: the final round

nct dream - ridin’

wayv - awaken the world

superm - super one

enhypen - border: day one

twice - eyes wide open

txt - minisode1: blue hour

seventeen - semicolon

stray kids - go live + in life

itzy - not shy

conan gray - kid krow

if you’ve managed to read all the way to the end, congrats for putting up with my lengthy and very sappy sentiment and sorry that you had to go through all of that 😭😭 thank you for being a part of my 2020, i hope that the new year allows us all to have a fresh start and brings us the opportunities we didn’t have this year. happiest new year to you all 🥳 (even tho it’s not 2021 yet when i’m posting this :))

#nobody tagged me in this but i saw loads of ppl doing it so i was like >:( i wanna do one #and by loads of ppl i mean joyce 🙈#this was a lot longer than i thought it would be but i have a lot to say lmao #end of the year wrap up #mutuals ✨

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itsuki-minamy · 5 years ago

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“K - SIX IDOLS”

CHAPTER 1: “SPRINT DREAM” (Complete)

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen."

"Good Morning!"

A pure voice echoes through the Kendo hall of "Promotion Scepter 4".

Many remains of that remain, in the office that was created with the remodeling of the old Army facilities. The Kendo hall is one of them, and the idols belonging to "Scepter 4" sometimes take lessons there and other times hold their swords in their hands.

And at the beginning of the week, there was always an instruction from the president, the "Idol Blue King", Reisi Munakata.

Munakata makes a soft voice in front of the idols lined up in a "rest" position.

"By the way, this week is the biggest event of the year for my production, "Sprint". The "Dream Live Tour" will take place. I hope to have the encouragement of each member so that no preparation or lesson is neglected."

"Yes!"

The responses of the idols are not disturbed. More than an entertainment bureau, the closer rigor to the police or the military was due to the nature of representative Reisi Munakata, and it was also a feature of "Promotion Scepter 4".

The group's glasses glowed brightly, staring at an idol.

"But recently, I have received some concerns, Andy Domyoji-kun. Go ahead."

"Yes!"

Domyoji, who was called by name, screamed to death. From his normally cheerful face, blood is drawn in the blink of an eye.

Domyoji took a heavy step and stepped out in front of the superior.

There is no anger in Munakata's expression. A slight smile floats on the sleek face like a statue. That doesn't mean that Domyoji and the other idols were relieved that they didn't understand the superior.

It was a man named Reisi Munakata, who sentenced to death with a smile.

"Domyoji-kun. The other day, there was a report that you were 5 minutes and 27 seconds late for the entire "Gyumetai" lesson. Is this true?"

"Actually, that's…"

"What is an idol in "Promotion Scepter 4"?"

"Ah, idols aim to be the ideal humans who should become the norm for people..."

"Do you have your own excuse for being late, knowing that?"

"No, I'm sorry..."

Domyoji is drooling. It was like a prosecution and a defendant, but in this case it was a military trial rather than an ordinary court. The sentence is already decided from the beginning, and this exchange is only a ritual.

Munakata acts like he's convinced of something,

"Ok. Let's ask Domyoji-kun to do one of the highlights of the "Sprint Dream Live Tour", "Extreme solo part, Idol from above 6500~”."

"What?"

With a strange voice, Domyoji's expression was frozen in despair. Munakata smiles and touches his shoulder intimately.

"As you know, "Extreme Solo Part" is one of the most popular projects on "Countdown Dissolution, Shoumutai". This time it's a solo part while skydiving from an altitude of 2,000 meters, so his brave figure will be a great copy on the big screen."

"President, please! That's! Just forgive me!"

"What do you say? This is your chance to get more fans. And if you're at the mercy of your life, you won't be late for lessons."

Munakata treats Domyoji, who clings to his eyes, with a smiling smile. The idols are silently staring at the horrible sight.

"Kindness is called haste. Let's start the special training today. Akiyama-kun, Benzai-kun, please take him to the office to complete the procedure."

"Yes!"

The same members of the "Shoumutai", Himori Akiyama and Yujiro Benzai, grabbed Domyoji crying from both sides. Domyoji screams while ruffling his hair.

"Not! I don't like the "Extreme solo part"! Akiyama, Benzai, I am a posterity, so don't miss out!"

"Hold on, Domyoji."

"Oh. Get angry and train. Hopefully you won't die."

Domyoji was dragged out of the Kendo room.

When the door closed, Munakata saw the idols lined up. All the idols looked at Munakata with a better attitude than before.

Munakata says, looking at him with satisfaction.

"Don't be late either. As members of society and as idols who should be a human norm, please respect that."

"Yes!"

The voice of the idols who responded contained a desperate sound.

++++++++++

"Sorry, President! I can't make it on time!"

The driver's scream also contains a desperate sound.

As he listened to him in the backseat, Munakata gracefully reassembled his legs, put his hand to his jaw, and muttered, "Hmm."

"Sprint Dream Live Tour", first day, 4:52 pm.

Munakata's transport vehicle got caught in heavy traffic filling the road and got stuck at all.

Until the day before, Munakata was planning a large-scale live concert in London as part of the overseas expansion of "Promotion Scepter 4". The big picture and charisma of Reisi Munakata, the "Idol King", managed to shake up the stubborn management of the French entertainment world. A few hours ago he won a partnership and a contract in the EU and returned triumphantly to Narita airport.

From the transport vehicle, Munakata continued to instruct the "Sprint Dream Live Tour". Back home. Although he has a difficult schedule of immediate events, he does not have fatigue or mistakes. There was a figure like: the perfect idol king.

It was in the time after Sakura's exchange that the news of the accident and jamming arrived.

Fortunately, no one died, but traffic was completely paralyzed. A line of cars continues towards the horizon, and it takes 30 minutes to finally reach 100 meters. Literally, he was forced into a state of immobility.

If nothing is done, the big event that is approaching a few hours later, will expose the mistake that the "Idol King" will be late.

In such a critical situation, however, there was no impatience in Reisi Munakata's expression.

"Ok."

Munakata says cheerfully to the driver reflected in the rearview mirror.

"I understand the situation. Please, I'll get off at the next intersection."

"But it will take 30 minutes to get there and, according to traffic information, the situation is similar on the lower road."

"It doesn't matter. In the meantime, let's get ready."

Munakata took his PDA out of his pocket and made a call. Munakata's trusted deputy director responded with two calls. It's Awashima Seri.

"Where is he now, President?"

"Currently, we are targeting a four-way interchange. It will take about 30 minutes to get there. I am planning to get out of here."

"That is…"

Awashima groaned. Even if he can get off the four road interchange, it will take more than an hour from there to the location, regardless of the mode of transportation. Since the show started at 6:30 pm, arrival on time is desperate.

After a few seconds of silence, Awashima's voice regained its composure.

"I would like to review the song list. The current program is to start with the president's number at the same time the performance begins, but we will correct this to start from "Shoumutai" and put the president's turn as far back as possible."

"Rejected."

Munakata categorically blocked her.

“Changing the song list will cut the rhythm of the fans. As idols, we shouldn't give fans any kind of anxiety."

"However! If this continues…!"

"I will be on time."

"......"

Awashima lost the words.

He was not surprised by Munakata's recklessness. She knows more than anyone what kind of person Munakata is and what kind of idol he is. He's never the type to talk about the impossible and break the plan.

If Reisi Munakata says that he can do it, he certainly can do it even if all other humans can't.

The next time Awashima opened her mouth, there was a determined intention.

"So, President. Please give us instructions."

A satisfied smile reached Munakata's mouth.

And 30 minutes later.

As soon as all contacts were completed, the transport vehicle passed the toll booth.

The lower street was still full of cars. Since Munakata hated traffic, he analyzed the situation. Progress is not much different from high speed.

However, that is no longer relevant to Munakata.

Because this is the end of the transport vehicle.

When he got out of the vehicle, the driver's seat window was opened. The driver looks from there and says...

"President, I wish you good luck."

Munakata smiled calmly at the young driver.

"Yes. Please drive carefully and come back."

That said, the next moment, Munakata was on the run.

With a forward leaning sprint style, Munakata is steadily increasing in speed. He reached a row of cars that couldn't move like a tombstone, and finally couldn't see his back.

Even after that, the conductor continued to pour his longing eyes beyond the horizon where Munakata disappeared. Holding on his chest the driver's cap that he took off as a sign of respect.

++++++++++

That day, Kazumasa Hatanaka (19) was driving his favorite Hara Chari.

He is in an unprecedented mood because he was able to finish his work early. The construction company he works for has been working hard these days, but yesterday they calmed down and was able to pay him. Hatanaka, who worked especially hard, was allowed to return home as the president had a special plan that day.

Akemi Hatanaka (18), a heavy wife, waits at home. Just thinking about it will loosen the origin of Hatanaka. When he wondered if he could serve his beloved wife and a child he had yet to see, his tired body mysteriously strengthened.

(Oh, that's right. Should I contact her to get back to Akemi soon?)

Suddenly, Hatanaka took out his mobile phone while driving the Hara Chari. He tries to send a message to his wife using one hand to handle and one hand to write.

Was when…

"You…"

"Oh?"

Hatanaka was about to fall due to the noise surrounding his ears. The body, which was about to slalom, was held by an outstretched hand and returned to its original trajectory.

While running to Hatanaka's side, the bespectacled man yells in a soft voice.

"It is a violation of the Road Traffic Law to use a mobile phone while driving."

"Uh, oh, sorry."

“In addition, it has already exceeded the legal speed of motorized bicycles. Wear your helmet correctly. It is meant to protect your life."

"Ah, hey, uh, yeah, sorry."

Hatanaka, who was once feared for being a "Chitaka mad dog", simply admitted his guilt not because he understood the accuracy of the words of the man with the glasses. This is because he was upset and scared by Hara Chari's run and the appearance of a man running side by side on only his own feet.

The man with the glasses smiled at Hatanaka's stunned face.

"Okay. If you follow the law and try to drive safely, you won't make driving mistakes like you do now."

(No, no, I'm going to be mad now because you called me. Do you want them to tell you that driving safely is something like running at that speed?)

The word never left Hatanaka's mouth at last. The man with the glasses raised his hand slightly and said, "Excuse me, bye." and then sped up and disappeared from Hatanaka's sight.

Hatanaka was stunned as he slowed the Hara Chari to 30 km / h.

(Is that so? I wonder if the god of the road advised me...)

There is a yellow light ahead. It stopped at the stop line correctly where it would normally cut, and the director took control.

(From now on, I will drive safely.)

++++++++++

That day, Nami Sakai (6) looked at the giant tree with tears in her eyes.

A blue balloon is stuck in a tree branch. It was in the hands of Nami just a few minutes ago, and in the hands of her beloved grandmother ten minutes ago.

Nami felt like a treasure when she received the blue balloon from her grandmother's wrinkled hand. She would take it home, about 10 minutes on foot, and she rushed to show it to her mother, but she accidentally fell off.

The balloon, which was detached from Nami's hand, floated in the sky and was blown away by the wind. She got trapped in a giant tree.

The giant tree has a height of about 10 meters. The blue balloon got caught near the top. Even if she asked the adults who passed by to take it, they just laughed and shook their heads.

Can't she get it again?

Every time she thought about it, she was filled with regret, sadness and guilt, and it turned into tears and appeared in Nami's eyes.

When the tears were about to break, Nami suddenly noticed something approaching from a distant road.

(Eh?)

In her childhood thoughts, Nami makes such a judgment.

In fact, in the distance it was like a colored wind. If she thinks it were there, it is way ahead. Nami stared at the blue breeze, which flowed without shaking her side, for a while, forgetting her sadness.

Suddenly…

With that wind, the eyes met.

The moment she thought that, he was already in front of her. When he stopped, the wind was not the wind, but a grown man with glasses. The skin is white like a woman and the facial features are beautifully groomed.

For some embarrassed reason, Nami looked down at her toes. The voice of a kind man spills over her.

"Do you have any problem?"

Nami looks at the man.

When she looked into the eyes behind the glasses, she felt like she was being sucked into the deep sky.

Nami opens her mouth to be fascinated.

"I cannot do it."

The man looks at the balloon at the point. Nami looked away and turned down. She was sure this person couldn't do it, and like everyone else, he would laugh and say "Give up", she felt such disappointment in her small chest.

But the man said in a nonsensical tone.

"Please wait a bit."

The man was already kicking the ground when she turned her face away.

He clings to the trunk of the huge tree and climbs up when he's ready. He deftly found the dents and bumps that could be called a steps, and in the blink of an eye he reached the top and took the blue balloon in his hand.

Nami was looking at the man who came down the same way, her mouth hanging open.

"Here it is."

Although he offered her the balloon, she was unable to receive it for a time. Then, finally picking it up, she asked with all her courage.

"Oni-chan... what?"

If you translate those boring words into something that makes more sense, it would mean something like "That move was out of the ordinary, who are you?"

The man accurately grasped the meaning of the question, smiled a little,

"I am an idol."

He responded like this.

Nami didn't really understand what an "idol" was. She blinks and look at the man. With a smile on his face, the man reached into his pocket and handed Nami a card.

"If you grow a little, come see us live."

The words "Promotion Scepter 4, President Reisi Munakata" were written there.

Of course, Nami can't read the card. She doesn’t even know about the existence of a business card. However, she thought the blue-tinted card was beautiful. Blue was Nami's favorite color.

Nami finally remembered what she should say to the man who gave her something nice and got back what she wanted back.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome. Well, I'm going."

The man bowed, turned blue again, and ran down the road.

Nami won't forget him forever.

++++++++++

An hour after the start of "Sprint Dream Live", the heat in the Tsubakimon Dome was visibly increasing. At the same time as the entrance began, a group of fans flowed into the audience seats like a flood, and they began to furnish the place with posters, posters and items with each of the recommended men drawn. At the same time, fans are excited about the upcoming festival and are looking at the stage with shining eyes.

To meet that expectation, a scene similar to a battlefield was unfolding in the backyard of the stage.

"The president has arrived at Shikaido Station! We will move on to Sequence B!"

"The target has been set at point B! We will wait until the president picks it up!"

In the temporary monitor room with the sign "Headquarters for the execution of the president's return plan", a part of the backyard, reports were constantly being raised.

The purpose of this headquarters is to fully support the return of Munakata. The staff involved are elite to make the "return plan" successful, from organizing and contacting various locations, managing the schedule, passing on traffic information and understanding Munakata's current position.

In one of the compounds in the panel, his current position is always displayed by the Munakata PDA tracking system. Awashima asks the staff while looking at them with a tight gaze.

"What is the progress of the plan?"

"It is 2 minutes and 15 seconds late, but it is within expectations. Currently, the Sequence C execution unit is moving. We will get to Point C on time."

"So…"

Awashima occupies a small area and looks at the monitor.

The plan is going well. At this rate, he can be in time for the opening ceremony, even if it's at the last minute. Unless something unexpected happens.

"Deputy Director Awashima."

Awashima looks around in a loose voice, rolling her shoulders.

Fushimi Saruhiko was as if he was leaning against the monitor room door.

He is the star idol of "Promotion Scepter 4", which is the center of the popular "Shoumutai" unit. Many fans were fascinated by the lonely atmosphere, and about 30% of the customers who packed the dome today are looking for him.

Awashima opens her mouth as she calmly looks at Fushimi.

"Fushimi. You should be in the final stages of doing a "Dream Corps."

"If the president is late, there won't be any 'Shoumutai', right?"

Awashima's beautiful eyebrows drew a dangerous angle.

“The plan is on the right track. You do not have to worry about that."

Fushimi laughs. It was an annoying laugh.

"Isn't there a countermeasure in case we run out of the star? Do you really think he can pull it off?"

"What do you mean?"

Fushimi casually pulled his hand out of his pocket and tossed what he was holding to Awashima. Awashima takes it deftly.

It is a recording medium in the form of a micro card.

"If you don't, I will. I made a new list of songs. If the president is late, I will."

Awashima's expression becomes more and more pronounced in a throwing tone. She squeezes the recording medium and she says quietly.

"Do you think I will receive this?"

"If you don't need it, you can throw it away. I can't bear to expose ourselves to that person's mistakes."

Awashima quickly waved her arm and threw the recording medium back.

"President…"

Fushimi deftly accepts that which came back like a bullet. Awashima, looking at the stagnant eyes behind the glasses as if shooting.

"I will not make any mistakes."

"Sorry."

Fushimi shrugged slightly and went back to his place. Looking back at Awashima over his neck.

"Well, tell me if you need it."

With that alone, Fushimi left the monitor room.

Awashima stared at the monitor room door for a while, staring into his eyes. It's like doing it is a protest against Fushimi.

It's not that she doesn’t understand what Fushimi is saying.

Believing is different from believing blindly. Fushimi's view that he assumes the worst and take countermeasures is entirely correct.

However, Awashima did not receive that song list. She refused to even see it and turned around.

She felt that receiving it would be a distrust of Munakata, who had confirmed that he would be on time.

"The president has reached point C! Collection complete!"

"We have started to move! The plan is going well!"

Awashima muttered unknowingly, listening to the reports that came in one after another.

"President, be careful."

Those words were like a prayer.

++++++++++

That day, Yuri Yamazaki (26) was vaguely in front of Shikaido station.

She works in a product store managed directly by "Promotion Scepter 4". It was supposed to be closed today due to the shift, but she got an urgent call from her boss about 5 minutes ago. She had no particular plan, and she was quick to get to this point because she was drawn to a pretty good vacation assignment.

Anyway, Yuri thinks.

It was a strange call. Being with the bicycle in front of the station instead of the store.

Apparently, they told her to lend the bike to someone, but they did not tell him who to lend it to and only told her the time of the meeting. It would be profitable to get a vacation allowance on this alone, but Yuri checks her cell phone while deeply thinking that she would complain if she was forced to do something else.

Seeing the displayed time, she sighed.

The "Sprint Dream Live Tour" will begin soon. Like most idol shop clerks, she is a fan of “Promotion Scepter 4.” She decided to work at an idol shop because she loved idols.

However, just because she is an employee doesn't mean there are benefits. Controls in that area are tight, and the clerk who secretly secured her own live ticket was sometimes ill. She must take the ticket herself, and if the lottery is lost, the schedule may disappear from the vacation she got, just like the current situation.

Two minutes have passed since the specified time.

"I wonder... if he's late, can I contact him?"

She doesn’t know, the murmur leaks out. After 5 minutes, she will contact the store manager. Thinking of that, she suddenly looked up.

And she doubts her eyes.

Someone was running from the street in front of the station, at tremendous speed. He easily overtook the next bike and came closer. Yuri instinctively tried to back away.

However, when she saw the man's face, she doubted her sanity.

"Ah, President?"

What she unwittingly said was the nickname of Reisi Munakata, the representative of "Promotion Scepter 4" and "Idol King". Naturally, it spread from the case where the idols under his command called him "President."

Faced with the stiff lily, Munakata strode over to a halt. He exhales a little and smiles at Yuri.

"Excuse me, are you a store clerk?"

"Eh, yes!"

Her voice shook. Feel the blood of her entire body concentrate on her face. The reason is that Yuri Yamazaki's favorite idol is Reisi Munakata.

Half in panic, she yells out the questions that come to mind.

"But why are you here?! What happened to the 'Sprint Dream Live Tour'?"

"I'm having a little problem and I've taken a different route than normal. Don't worry, I'll be in time for the opening."

She felt as if the blood that had risen through her head was coming down this time.

In other words, it is an emergency. Yuri was a fan and she knew how confusing it would be to be late for the opening ceremony. Perplexity, pain, disappointment. Just imagining being there, the pain felt like its own.

Yuri rushes up and says.

"Is there anything I can do?!"

“Lend me the bicycle. It's enough."

Yuri blushed again. If she thinks about it again, it was probably all part of the plan coming here. It is not a feat for the Munakata representative to give instructions to the directly administered office.

"Please..."

"Thank you."

Munakata straddled the bike without showing any pretense of noticing Yuri's tension. Somehow, it was an unattainable sight. The King of Idols, who can only be seen on TV or on stage, sits astride her bike.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going."

"Oh, yeah!"

Yuri instinctively stopped Munakata who was trying to get out.

Munakata looks at Yuri with his foot on the pedal. She held her breath with a mysterious look.

("Please sign.")

She had to desperately suppress that desire that came to her mind. Hasn’t she just found out it's an emergency? There is no second chance. And yet, unable to say such a silly request, that embarrassment forced Yuri's awkward smile and false words.

"Please do your best. I support you!"

Munakata, however, was looking at Yuri's face with calm eyes that looked through all her smile and strength. Munakata laughed lightly at Yuri, who suddenly became flustered and reached into her pocket.

"What should I write?"

"Eh?"

"I have a pen, but I don't really have colored paper. It's not in good taste with a notepad."

Yuri blinked many times. The feeling of regret, even the time she was wandering and wondering why him could see through her desires made her stiff.

Yuri handed him the PDA she was holding in her outstretched hand to Munakata. With her voice asking "Is it okay here?", she was fascinated by the magically moving pen. She picked up the PDA again, looking at the Munakata signature written there, and it was like a soliloquy.

"Why...?"

"I am an idol."

Munakata's response, as well as their relationship, was open and frozen.

"Idols live up to the expectations of their fans. My job is to capture your expectations."

"......"

"Good luck then. Thank you for your continued support."

With a courteous greeting, Munakata pedaled off the road in no time.

Yuri holds her PDA to her chest while watching him back. She murmured in an emotional voice, promising to turn it into a relic, and she was about to buy a new one.

"President, I will follow you for the rest of my life!"

++++++++++

That day, Yojiro Sato (51) was driving his own high-speed boat and racing in Tokyo Bay.

His main business was fisherman, but he also works as a fishing boat captain as a side job. In any case, the main job is to chase the school of fish, current high-speed boats are used for that purpose.

But today's work was different than usual.

The client was a fishing cooperative and the content of the request was mysterious: "Anyway, I want you to go to Chiba city using a high speed boat." He goes through it several times, but it seems the reason he couldn't get the point was because the fishing cooperative was asked to go further.

Sato accepted it simply because the reward was great. Otherwise, it would not accept suspicious requests.

However, when he passed by the Tokyo Bay Aqualine, he began to regret it.

He doesn't think it's a dangerous story.

It goes without saying that Tokyo is one of the largest cities in the world and Tokyo Bay is a large adjacent port. Many are trying to carry out illegal transactions by sea. Unfortunately, he has heard stories of people involved in such problems at the level of rumors.

He's been through the fishing cooperative, so he doesn't think it's something to worry about.

Even so, a bit of anxiety washed over Sato's mind.

At that moment the radio sounded. When he reached out his hand and responded by reflex, he heard an unfamiliar voice on the back of the radio.

"Hello. Is this Mr. Yojiro Sato?"

It was a feminine and intelligent voice. Sato responds while confused.

"Oh, yeah. That's right."

"Nice to meet you, my name is Seri Awashima. I was the one who made the request."

"Oh, I see."

The confusion disappeared, but Sato pressed his face into place. Listen to Awashima's words, eager to decline the request in the event of an emergency.

"First of all, I apologize for reporting uncertain content to you in the application. I was in a hurry, so I thought about explaining after taking the first step."

"Okay, but what kind of job is this after all? It doesn't appear to be a fishing request."

"Yes. I want you to pick up a certain person."

When suspicion and vigilance increase, he raises his eyebrow. Sato asked in a low voice.

"Who is that? He is not a criminal, right?"

"What, criminal?"

From the other side of the meeting, he could feel the sign that Awashima was completely disappointed. The voice that echoed next seemed to lack a bit of calm, unlike before.

"Incorrect! The president is not involved in such things!"

"Oh, yeah."

At the angry response, Awashima coughed a little.

"No, sorry. It may be inevitable that it looks like this. I would like you to pick up Reisi Munakata, the representative idol of "Promotion Scepter 4"."

While driving, Sato is confused.

"Why do idols want to get on our ship?"

“As I said before, it is an urgent matter. He didn't seem to be in time for a regular water taxi, so I contacted you."

"Hmm... Well, it's okay."

Sato is not familiar with idols. He is simply not interested. From time to time he sees them on television, but to him they all have similar faces and clothes, so he cannot tell them apart.

That sect image is probably one of those idols. No wonder that is used instead of a taxi, but, work is work.

"So where should I pick him up?"

"Please wait a moment. I'll link the information on the president's location to that PDA."

"Eh?"

A second after the stupid voice leaked out, a spot of light lit up on the GPS map attached to the ship. Sato opens his mouth and looks at it moving at high speed on the map.

“Did you get the location? The point that lights up in blue is the current position of the president."

"Yes, I got it."

"Good. Get closer to the point of light. It also shows the next meeting points."

The GPS map reacts again and projects an orange spot of light. It shows a jetty near the beach park, that made Sato panic even more.

"Wait a minute! How did you do that? This is my PDA, right? Why can you operate it on that side?"

"There is no time to lose! I took emergency measures! Rest assured that we have formal permission to use the system!"

"What is that system?"

To Sato's confusion, Awashima doesn't reply. "More than that!" When he started yelling, the blue point of light on the map continued to flash.

“He is approaching the meeting point. Thanks for your cooperation. Awashima, over and out."

And the radio was unilaterally cut off, leaving only Sato who was confused.

The ship curves and begins to move parallel to the shore. Sato alternately compared the map and the coast. If this location is correct, Munakata will soon be in sight.

"Ah."

With that said, he opened his mouth. Someone was there. That's probably definitely Munakata.

From a distance, he can only tell that he is a man. It would have been indistinguishable on its own, but the appearance of a human who could ride a bicycle at a speed comparable to that of a high-speed boat fits this unusual situation perfectly.

"What should I do?"

Sato is a man of the sea. He is confident that he can handle most things that happen at sea. However, he had never imagined such a situation. Sato looked towards the beach while maintaining his speed.

At that moment, Munakata pointed forward.

Sato looks ahead so he can catch it. A jetty leading off the shore blocked the ship's path as it gently curved.

Reflecting a sailor, Sato curves the speedboat along the jetty.

Munakata's bike has picked up speed.

"Hey, it can't be!"

Unknowingly, Sato was screaming. Because he understood the man's thoughts. Because he understood the meaning of "meeting point" that Awashima said on the radio.

The bicycle races down the jetty at a speed that exceeds that of high-speed boats. Sato made the boat's engine run at full speed. It was not because he understood their speculations, but because he thought that, as a man of the sea, he would not be able to stand upright if he was driving a boat and losing to a bicycle.

The bicycle and the speed boat run next to each other for a very short distance.

For the first time, Sato saw Munakata's face.

Munakata was smiling with a clean face in front of him. It was not the expression of a human reaching such high speed on a bicycle. He was horrified. Perhaps this is a monster that seemed to drag him to the bottom of the sea. Even such an imagination took over his head.

Munakata's bicycle leaned over. At the end of the jetty, Sato's high-speed boat drew closer and Munakata jumped with the bicycle with only the spring from his body.

Sato opened his eyes and looked at the figure of Munakata leaping against the sun.

After a short break, Munakata's bicycle landed on the back of the high-speed boat, made a sharp turn, and came to a stop.

"Fu..."

With a sigh, Munakata wiped the sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief.

"......"

Sato was just looking at Munakata, who was behaving like a human, with his mouth open.

When he got out and parked at the bicycle rack, Munakata looked at Sato and said with a smile.

"Nice to meet you. Sato Yojiro-san. My name is Reisi Munakata. Thank you for your transportation to the planned location."

Swallowing hard, Sato asks suspiciously.

"You are a human?"

After opening his eyes somewhat surprisingly, he replied with a bitter smile.

"I'm just an idol."

++++++++++

At the Suzugaya sorting yard, Domyoji Andy (19) turned his pale face down and swallowed nausea.

He, who is scheduled to appear on "Sprint Dream Live Tour", is at that location because the Suzugaya courtyard is a helicopter landing site owned by "Scepter 4."

The event titled "Extreme Solo Part, Idol from Above 6500~", is Domyoji's assigned role this time. The event of strumming a guitar solo while skydiving from 2000 meters above the sky is sure to be a great thrill if it succeeds, but it can only be said that it is insane.

For today, Domyoji was repeating a special training every day. In total, it would have fallen enough to reach the surface from the stratosphere. Domyoji said that if he ran for Guinness, he would not pass, and gave a tired smile.

At that moment the door to the waiting room was opened and the staff entered.

"Domyoji-san, please prepare for take-off!"

"Eh?"

His eyes are round. Domyoji looks at the watch as it is. There is still some time left before the live begins. The turn of "Shoumutai", including Domyoji, was supposed to be in the second half of the opening ceremony.

"Is it still early? Was there an accident?"

Anyway, when he got up and left the room with the staff, Domyoji was so quiet. He doesn’t know what kind of problems are waiting in the live presentation. Not only staff but also idols need to take this into account and respond flexibly.

"There is no change to Domyoji-san's appearance time! We are going to pick up the president from now on!"

Domyoji opened his mouth. The staff didn't look back and pushed the door in front of them while walking quickly.

At the landing site, the helicopter was already preparing for takeoff. The high-speed rotating main rotor disperses a roar like a gunshot. Defeating the sound, Domyoji yelled at the back of the staff.

"What happened to the president? That person is surely the interpreter for the opening ceremony!"

“Currently, the president is crossing Tokyo Bay! We'll pick him up at sea and head straight to the Tsubakimon Dome!"

Domyoji is confused. He is crossing Tokyo Bay? He has no idea what the hell is going on. What he knows is that he is about to fly high again.

After sitting on the seat and fixing his body with a harness, Domyoji finally noticed.

"Hey! Don't I need it if I pick up the president?!"

"It's the president's judgment that it's a waste of time to go back every time! After leaving the president in the dome, Domyoji-san will wait in the sky until the time of the "Extreme solo part, Idol from above 6500~”!"

That was brilliant. Wait a minute, he try to tell if he would be flying all the time, but then his body was fixed. Jumping out the rear hatch, the staff gave Domyoji a big thumb up.

"Thank you good luck!"

The hatch closes as he continues. The sound of the rotor increases the pitch. Domyoji's stunned face disappeared into the darkness of the plane.

++++++++++

"The President has arrived at meeting point E! The pickup helicopter that was already waiting has started to approach!"

"Let go of the rope, the helicopter must be very careful!"

"Got it! Let go of the rope! Try to drive safely!"

Brilliant laughter erupted in the monitor room as the pilot made a joke. Private language during the operation should be strictly prohibited, but Awashima felt a slight smile on her lips. This would indicate their high morale. She doesn’t have to worry.

"President, I secured a rope! Start climbing."

"Domyoji, can't you point the CCD camera at the president?"

"Oh, yeah, I'll try."

Domyoji hastily responded to Awashima's voice. After a while, a rough image appears on one of the monitors.

Munakata was about to board the helicopter. Standing in the open hatch, he turns and pays him homage. A high speed boat floating ahead, probably Yojiro Sato, a man who appeared to be the captain took off his hat and waved it.

The expression of the image has been softened.

"President. Thank you for being safe."

On the CCD camera, he sees Munakata smiling.

“Thank you for your hard work, Awashima-kun. Did you worry?"

Awashima shakes her head slowly.

"I wasn't worried."

It was a lie. During these 30 minutes, Awashima has looked at the clock no less than 50 times. It's not because she doesn’t trust Munakata. It is probably due to the weakness of Awashima's heart.

Munakata's deep eyes can even see Awashima's inner heart. Still, she looked directly at her boss and reported on the situation.

"We are on time. If you move at full speed from the current location of the president, it will be enough to reach the inauguration. The president's suit has been brought to the room of the occupant of the helicopter."

"Okay. Let's finish all the preparations on the fly. Has the final landing point I submitted changed?"

"No, there are no changes. The helipad is already in control."

At that moment, one of the monitors lit up red and emitted a warning sound.

"What?"

"I will confirm it!"

Staff operate the console quickly. Awashima holds her breath and stares at the movement.

Finally, the staff raised a strained voice.

“There was a fire at the Tsubakimon Dome Hotel! Looks like an evacuation notice has been issued at the hotel!"

"No!"

“No recommendations have been issued for this place! Deputy Chief, what do we do?"

Impatience melts in her hand. Various thoughts come to mind instantly. How big is the fire? How to accept evacuees? Should the concert be canceled, even if no recommendations have been made? The enthusiasm of the people involved and the fans for this live show is extraordinary. But if something happens to the fans, it is irreparable.

An intelligent voice broke those thoughts.

"Awashima-kun. Confirm the evacuation of the hotel guests."

Raise her face. Beyond the CCD camera, Munakata's rough expression was as calm as if he were sitting at his usual office desk.

Awashima looks at the staff. The personnel turned to the front and quickly returned to operating the console.

Finally, he told the staff in a shocked voice.

"We share the confirmation of the status of the place, but the evacuation of the three guests has not been completed! It seems that we are reconfirming the people who have been in the air and have been evacuated!"

"Three people. That means they are…"

The CCD camera points in the other direction. Seeing that, Awashima took a breath.

Near the window on the smokeless floor. A man and a woman are crouched in a narrow space. The woman appeared to be holding a child.

"The number of people matches. Apparently, the evacuation was delayed."

Awashima looks at the image from the CCD camera. Imagine a tragic future for a family left behind at the scene of the fire and blood gushes from their faces.

And Munakata said of course.

"I am heading to the rescue."

Awashima knew that Munakata would say so. Knowing that, she still screams...

"President! Don't do it!"

Domyoji's camera captures Munakata's face. Munakata wasn't looking there. He murmured, looking serious at the scene of the fire, perhaps putting together another thought.

"Awashima-kun. About us?"

"Ah..."

The answer to that was fixed. Awashima squeezed her hand so tightly that her nails dug into her palm.

"We are... idols...!"

"What kind of person is an idol in "Promotion Scepter 4"?"

"Our goal is to be the ideal human who should be a role model for people."

Munakata looked at Awashima with a teacher's gaze, watching over the poor students who gave the correct answer.

"So that's it."

"Huh!"

Munakata goes to the scene of the fire. Although he is an idol, he is only a human. There is no guarantee that he will be able to return safely, so the worst consequences may await him in the future.

And, while looking at the worst, taking steps to prevent it from happening is also a condition of being an ideal human.

Awashima said that decisively when she took a little breath, exhaled and was ready to do it.

“We will contact the various parties involved in the handling of this incident and request assistance in rescue activities. I pray for your safety, President."

Behind the camera, Munakata nodded slightly.

Fushimi Saruhiko clicked his tongue as he leaned his back against the wall.

If Munakata's decision was stupid, Awashima, who followed him, could only be seen as a fool. He are an ideal person and he are trying to ruin his job by getting caught up in an additional idea. Fushimi's frank opinion is that, it is the role of rescuers to help the victims, and that is why they have to get rid of that work.

But he will never reveal it. At least not yet.

It only deals with possible situations.

Makes a call from his PDA. The other party came out with a ringing sound. Before they say something to him there, speak up.

“Akiyama, I got a job. Call the members of the 'Shoumutai'."

While saying that, Fushimi turned away from the wall and quickly headed to the end of the hall.

++++++++++

That day, Maki Arakawa (29) was visiting the Tsubakimon Dome hotel with her husband Takashi Arakawa (32) and their son Daichi Arakawa (0).

That day was Maki and Takashi's third wedding anniversary. The Dome Hotel was the place where Takashi proposed to Maki, and it was customary for the couple to visit this place on their anniversary every year.

With a new family member who is less than a year old, Maki and Takashi huddled together and wanted a night view from the living room. Takashi leans into the champagne and Maki leans into the non-alcoholic sparkling wine, looking at each other with a smile. In Maki's arms, Daichi, who had just fallen asleep, was giving a silent sigh.

A little compliment to a family that usually leads a modest life. Still, Maki was happy enough until the explosion happened.

The moment the explosion caught her, Maki was thrown to the ground with her husband.

When she woke up, her head was covered in black smoke.

"Daichi?"

The first thing that came to mind was the safety of her son. Looking down into her arms with a pale feeling, Daichi was still asleep. It was just a moment of relief, and he was soon filled with smoke-colored anxiety.

"What the hell?"

There was no way to answer that question. Her husband has wandered off a bit. He appears passed out, bleeding from his head. When she saw him, she was terrified that his heart would stop, but at least he seemed to be breathing.

Maki crawls closer to her husband, feeling pain glowing throughout her body. There seems to be a fire somewhere between the black smoke that comes in and the heat that burns the skin. That fact irritated Maki and made her reach out her hand.

"Get up."

The husband does not respond. Maki raised her face slightly and looked around her.

There is no one but them.

Is it after everyone has evacuated? Have they been left behind? Even if she gets lost, she does not know where to go and cannot leave her husband. It was decided that she cannot take him or her son on her own.

Fear and anxiety clench Maki's throat.

She takes the PDA out of her pocket and touches the emergency number. However, Maki herself wasn't sure how much it meant. The fear that surrounds her is getting stronger. Even if the rescue team is dispatched from now on, will they arrive in time?

"Yes, what happened?"

Communication has been opened. Maki squeezes the words out of her throat that moisten her body.

“Please help, please help. Please, please."

Unless this child is saved.

The moment he muttered a sentence-like word in a weak voice, a roar deafened Maki's ear.

A helicopter appeared outside the living room, behind a glass window.

A high-speed rotating rotor disperses a bombardment sound and the strong wind moves in the opposite direction. The helicopter tilted slightly and a sliding door pointed into the living room. Maki saw with wide eyes that a man with glasses was standing in the place that had already been opened.

It was not a rescue team. She knew it at a glance. After all, clothes are different. She had never heard of a rescue team dressed in such white, flowing clothing. It has beautiful bright colors and is like the clothes that idols wear.

The man with the glasses laughs smartly when he sees Maki. Then jump out the sliding door with a run.

"......"

Maki loses her words and watches over the elaborate suicide scene. From the PDA that fell to the ground, a Fire Service official said, "What happened? Please respond!" She heard a scream, but couldn't react. That was not the case.

The man crossed his arms, jumped high and rough, through the window, rolled across the living room floor, and landed brilliantly.

He balanced on his right foot, left knee, and right palm, and lifts his face to look at Maki.

Then he said with a smile.

"Hello."

"Ah, hello."

Barely responding, the man approached slowly, keeping low.

Behind him, there was a figure that jumped in the same way. He rolls on a glass covered floor, jumps and screams.

"Gak! The glass stabs me!"

“Domyoji-kun, continue with the preparations immediately. Be careful not to inhale smoke."

"Yes! President Munakata!"

When the man named Munakata approached Maki, he lifted his body, turned it forward, and began to wrap something.

"Oh, that...?"

“We will get away from this. Please hold your son firmly."

The soft voice in her ear soothed Maki's fear. She hugged her son tightly and, through her armpits, Munakata fixed a harness on Maki's body.

Munakata looks back and calls out to Domyoji, who is also wrapping the husband in a harness.

"Are you ready?"

"Well, somehow!"

Domyoji nods wrapping her weakly passed out husband around his body with a harness. When Munakata turned around, he turned his smart eyes towards Maki.

"Don't worry, I'll get you to safety immediately."

Somehow, however, she had an unpleasant sensation.

Maki looks out the window with her harness wrapped up. She sees the back of a helicopter that was going very far away. Maki asks, swallowing hard.

"Isn't that the one you ride?"

"Unfortunately, the emergency exit leading to the helipad is blocked by fire. Landing is difficult and jumping from here to the helicopter would not be possible with you in tow."

The question of what to do then did not need to be asked.

Munakata walks over to the broken window while tying Maki and Daichi to himself. The trampled piece of glass rings. A strong wind from the high sky blew and caressed Maki's cheeks forcefully.

The Tsubakimon Dome can be seen below. She wonders if he was doing some kind of live performance, and she could see the crowded seats even from such a high place.

Munakata looks at her calmly and has a soft voice.

"And we have less than five minutes to get started. This is the only way to get there on time."

She is not sure what you are talking about, but she understands what "this method" means. Maki looks towards Munakata with tears in her eyes.

"I'll ask you just in case, you've done it before, right?"

Munakata responds with a smile on his face.

"I read the manual."

Maki tried to resist, but her hands were empty and only scratched the air. Maki, who was shaking, saw that she could no longer understand the language, Munakata placed the sole of the shoe on the window frame.

Smooth to the end, Munakata says the last sentence.

"Ok, let's go."

"Hm..."

She can't say wait a minute.

Munakata was a man who executed words. A second after he said that, he had already jumped from a height of 100 meters above the ground with Maki and Daichi.

++++++++++

Basically the longer it takes to fall, the faster it will fall.

Its formula, commonly known as gravitational acceleration, is 9.8 m / s, and a rough calculation consumes a height of about 100 meters in less than 5 seconds. Knowing that, it's probably a bit more serious. She would have resisted.

Fortunately, the fear fainted her and it did not interfere with Munakata's work.

At the time of take-off, Munakata quickly opened the parachute. Munakata experienced a free fall for a time until the acceleration died due to air resistance.

At the sound of the wind, Munakata heard laughter.

Suddenly the baby was laughing in his arms. He wondered if he was enjoying the fall, and while hearing a laughing little voice, Munakata was laughing too.

"It's fun? It may be common for you."

The parent's "up and down" game and the current situation may not change much for this child. With that in mind, Munakata precisely operates the parachute.

Air resistance travels through the harness and squeezes Munakata's body. Munakata looked at the Tsubakimon Dome below, while reducing the burden on mother and child as much as possible. Already in his direction, the dome has been opened to reveal the stage.

"President, please respond. Let us know the current situation!"

Awashima's voice echoes from the device close to the ear. Munakata responds to that.

"This is Munakata. We are currently gliding about 70 meters from the earth's surface. We will proceed to land on stage."

In the center of the stage is a circle of bureaucracy, the end of today's sprint. There are 2 minutes and 47 seconds until the start. The image of landing, taking off the parachute, and entering the performance has already been created in Munakata's mind.

"No problem. Everything is fine. Awashima-kun, let's meet up on stage sleeve!"

At the image of Munakata, a sudden gust of wind disappeared.

"Yes!"

Before thinking of anything, Munakata had to devote all his energy to controlling his posture. The parachute, which was about to rotate like a cone, was operated with one hand like a hot kneading jumper, and in the worst case it prevented a free fall due to the disappearance of air resistance.

"President? What did you do?"

Awashima screamed at the anomaly.

"Well, it's not a big deal. I was exposed to the wind from the building and my posture was altered for a moment. The check was completed, but there is a problem."

"What kind of problem is it?"

“The current gust of wind has blown me off the field a lot. If nothing is done, we will land in the audience seats."

Awashima took a deep breath.

Due to the gust of wind, the chances of landing on stage were nil. A similar gust of wind might bring the whole picture back to the landing course, but it's like waiting for a miracle. It was the role of the believer, not the role of the idol, to hold onto heaven with prayer.

Munakata ponders as he spins in the air.

He cannot get off in the audience seats. No action can be taken that could compromise the safety of the public. Not only Munakata himself, but even the metal parachute hardware cannot be dropped on the heads of fans.

So there is only one way left.

"We will take a landing course outside of the dome. We won't be in time for the performance, but we can't help it."

Awashima squeezed out a rough voice.

"Come here."

Until now, Munakata has been racing to get to the performance on time and not disappoint the expectations of the fans. It is not unfortunate that the effort turns into a bubble.

However…

Munakata stroked the baby's hair, giggling happily at his mother's breast, with his fingertips.

"Don't be sorry. We are idols. Those who seek the best. But if that doesn't come true, we can choose the next best option."

"President..."

Awashima's voice has a bitter resignation.

But she was also an idol. Awashima starts working after dispelling it in an instant.

"I get it. Immediately, personnel will be sent to the outside of the cupola, and the president, the mother and the child will be immediately collected. Even if the delay is unavoidable, it should be as short as possible."

"Yes. Thank you."

A sudden voice interrupted Munakata who was about to approve the decision.

"It's not like that."

Munakata slightly opened his eyes.

He can't be wrong, it was the voice of Fushimi Saruhiko, the center of "Shoumutai".

"What are you doing?"

"Please be quiet, Assistant Principal. President, there is no need to change course. 2 minutes to start. If so, it is time to do so."

"What?"

"Akiyama, do it."

With Fushimi's command as the trigger, a sight of pure white spread under his eyes.

It was a huge cloth that completely covered the audience seats at the Tsubakimon Dome. The pure white fabric that glows under the light has a blue dyed stamp in the center. That's the emblem of “Promotion Scepter 4”, the flag of the idol that they should be proud of.

"Now you don't have to worry about landing in the audience. Please come down quickly. The stage is set!"

Watch the scene and listen to the words.

A powerful smile appeared on Munakata's mouth.

"I get it."

Then she slowly descends towards the emblem of his proud "Promotion Scepter 4".

++++++++++

"Huh... someone..."

In a park located outside the Tsubakimon Dome, Domyoji Andy was trapped in a tree and called for help with a weak voice.

The rescued person, tied in front, fainted slightly. After all, he never woke up during the drop or after the landing. He doesn't think there is any difference in life, but he wants to be rescued as soon as possible and taken to the hospital. It's about time Domyoji's shoulders scream from their weight.

"Oh, Domyoji-san! You were in a place like this!"

At that moment, a light illuminated Domyoji's face with a voice of salvation.

They were the staff of "Scepter 4." It looks like he was holding a ladder and looking around the dome. Domyoji mutters through tears when he sees them preparing for rescue.

"Hail me..."

Domyoji, who was saved several tens of seconds later, asked the staff with a deep sigh.

“No, what happened to the president? Did he do it on time?"

"Yes! It seems that with Fushimi-san's ingenuity, he was able to make it in time for the performance! It seems that he is performing well as of now!"

The staff deftly pulled out the PDA which projected a live image.

6:23 pm. The stage lights go out and the noise from the audience seats quickly subsides. For example, fans' expectations, enthusiasm and excitement increase.

The silence of passion, as if you could see it.

A suddenly glowing spotlight pierced the darkness.

In the center of the stage was a man crouched with one knee raised. He is dressed in a beautifully decorated suit and holds a microphone in his slim hands. There is not a single mistake or a single wrinkle in his clothes. The ideal idol is that person, the Idol King who was there.

Those in the audience, behind the television who are watching him, probably don't know how he got to that stage. Munakata must say that it is also the idol's responsibility not to report it.

As soon as the song started, Munakata looked up. A confident smile. An act that can be said to be solemn. Take a fixed turn and start singing.

Domyoji laughed impressively as he watched the fans' enthusiasm explode.

"I'm glad. He is on time."

"Yeah, I'm glad."

The staff laughs too. Only they know how many difficulties Munakata had to go through to be in that place. These difficulties have finally been overcome and the goal has come true.

"Well then, I'm ready too."

Domyoji says that, shaking his head. He also has a major role in the "Extreme solo part, Idol from Above 6500~". For that, he has to go back to heaven.

The staff stopped Domyoji's back.

"Domyoji-san, it's very difficult to tell... but Domyoji-san's part is gone."

"Eh?"

The staff scratched their heads at Domyoji, where their eyes became a point.

“It seems that it is impossible to take off on time because the helicopter has run out of fuel on the previous flight. Therefore, we will reproduce the PV of the album released next week as a replacement for the emergency. That was decided."

Domyoji froze and said...

"What is that? Has all my special training so far been for naught?"

Look at the facial expressions of the staff, quietly but surely.

"What is that? Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Domyoji's scream echoed around the outer edge of the dome.

#K #k project #K stories #k six idols #reisi munakata #SCEPTER 4 #k fan clan

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