#and. tbh. that first scene was living at the back of my brain for the longest time but i'd always thought i had seen it in an old lost

[violence-infatuation]

shivers (1975), dir. david cronenberg

[hyuckiefluff]

may i request a jaemin x femreader where he’s just fucking her dumb and she’s trying to say that her family is downstairs or in the living room? if you’re comfortable with it ofc !!

a/n: first of all THANK YOU SO MUCH for requesting! i would’ve probably disappeared for another two months if it weren’t for this lol! i didn’t know if you wanted something short and sweet or for me to go all out but hopefully you like this! i had fun writing it and it made me revisit my jaemin brain rot so yeaa

for a bit of context, i decided to write this as if jaem and fem!reader are already in a relationship and jaem is the picture of charm and good manners and he could never do anything wrong in his in-laws' eyes but he’s secretly a freak lol (also didn’t wanna make it too long so things move a bit fast)

wc: 1.7k ish

content: just pure smut tbh

warnings: cursing, oral sex and fingering (fem receiving), creampie, loud sex, marking, usage of pet names like princess and pretty girl, boob grabbing

m list

When Jaemin walked into your place your parents welcomed him grinning like they hit the jackpot with their son in law. Your mom invited him to stay for dinner, and your dad gave him a solid friendly pat on the back. But his mind was upstairs, where you remained clueless about his arrival, thinking he was off to visit some relatives.

When he walks into your room, you’re lying on your stomach with your headphones on and wearing nothing but your panties and one of his oversized shirts. The whole scene feels like the start of one of his wet dreams, and he's seriously struggling not to pounce on you. Instead, he sneaks up from behind and gently slips the headphones off. You're not the jumpy type, so you casually turn your head, half-expecting it was your mom barging in. But when you see Jaemin smiling at you, your whole demeanor changes. You don't waste a second, practically wrapping yourself around your boyfriend. He lets out a deep, rumbling laugh that vibrates through you. 

“Missed me, princess?” you responded by kissing his lips, you only meant to give him a soft peck, but he couldn’t contain himself any longer so in no time he had you flush against the mattress and his warm body.

His hands immediately found their way inside your shirt, a delicious moan coming out of him when he felt you weren’t wearing a bra. He would go crazy if he didn’t have you right now, but he also wanted to make you feel good. He pulled away from you slowly, biting your lower lip in the process. Then he started crawling down your body, not missing the way you tensed up as he positioned his face right in front of your sensitive area.

You knew where this was going but you had to remind yourself that you two weren’t alone.

“Jaem�� my parents are-…” your words were interrupted as his mouth attached to your core over your panties. The smell and taste of you was driving him feral and he couldn’t bother to even remove the thin piece of clothing. All you could do was gasp and pull his hair.

“Be good for your boyfriend that missed you so much…” he coaxed, his nose nuzzling against you. Your thighs instinctively closed around his head “Don’t hold back, let me hear how pretty you sound”  his warm breath sent shivers racing across your skin. He continued sucking and kitten-licking your pussy, the insistent way in which his tongue was pushing against your entrance in a teasing manner threatening to push you over the edge. He groaned when he felt you weakly push his head away.

In one fluid motion, he discarded your panties, a low whistle escaping him as he saw how they clung to your slickness. His dick twitched uncomfortably in his sweatpants. "Fucking mine," he growled softly before diving between your folds. His tongue and lips latched on your clit like a magnet, producing a chorus of wet sounds that were nothing short of vulgar. 

Despite your efforts to restrain yourself and keep quiet, as soon as he added a finger you were reduced to a whimpering mess. You brought a hand to your mouth, teeth sinking in to stifle the noises, but Jaemin didn’t like that. He pulled away and the sight of his glistening lips coated with your essence caused you to involuntarily tighten around nothing.

"I said..." His voice dipped several tones and his pupils dilated, darkening his eyes in an almost eerie manner "Let me hear you," he demanded. 

"Please… Jaem, my parents are downstairs," you gasped, breathless. He looked unamused by your pleas but still seemed to be contemplating something. 

Then suddenly, he withdrew from you entirely. You thought he would listen to you, so it took you by surprise when instead he discarded his sweatpants and boxers. His erection sprung free in a somewhat comical way. The tip was flushed with urgency, the veins and girth caused you to whimper. Your mouth watered with the desire to take him into your mouth, but Jaemin had different intentions.

"Then let's give 'em a show, princess," he grinned, planting a kiss on your inner thigh before pulling your legs up and positioning himself between them.

He entered you slowly and you couldn't help but whimper at the stretch. His lips curled up at the sounds you were making, knowing it took this little to make you lose all restraint was amusing him more than he cared to admit. He bottomed out right away, giving you no time to adjust. Though he was trying to keep it together, he couldn’t help but let out a string of guttural moans whenever you clenched around his dick. Desperation drove his hips to meet yours with sharp, urgent movements.

"So good for me," he murmured, gaze fixed on the way your pussy took him so well. Biting his lip, he looked up at your face contorted with pleasure. Your flushed appearance, eyes nearly shut, and lips subject to the mercy of your teeth. This is how you looked prettiest to him.

He hiked up your shirt, granting himself an unobstructed view of your boobs. He reached his hand to your right breast and caressed the soft skin there, his fingers toying with your hardened nipple. He relished your reactions to his every touch, loving the way you tried so hard not to be loud.

“Jaem-…fuck-… me," you moaned, his name coming out as a blur amidst a string of curses and cries.

"I am, baby," he quipped, though the strain in his voice betrayed the struggle to keep his composure. The way your walls clenched around him was driving him wild. The grip of his other hand tightened on your hips, urgency escalating as he thrust into you with an almost feral rhythm.

The sound of your skins slapping was obscene and it resonated throughout your room. If your parents walked by your door they would definitely hear and know what you two were up to. You wondered what would happen if they did, would they stop allowing Jaemin to come into your room. Would their trust for him vanish? Those questions made you anxious but the boy didn’t seem to care. And you were soon to follow him, because the way he was fucking you right now was too good.

He lifted your leg higher, adjusting his hips to hit that sweet spot he knew you liked. Your eyes involuntarily rolled back as he plunged deeper into you like this. He was so familiar with your body, knowing exactly where to touch to unravel you. A smirk played on his lips as he tenderly caressed your hips, a stark contrast to the rough way he was thrusting into you.

"You drive me so fucking crazy," he groaned, his rhythm faltering slightly as he leaned in for a messy kiss. Your mouths met in a fervent dance, his tongue swirling around yours, teeth grazing against each other's lips. He devoured every sound that escaped your lips.

Just as you were catching your breath, he abruptly increased his pace, catching you off guard and causing a loud moan to erupt from you, the sudden change overwhelming your senses.

“There we go, that’s my pretty girl” he murmured against your jaw, leaving a wet trail from there to your neck where he started sucking and marking you. Only in places that he knew you would be able to cover. After all, he knew you had to keep up the innocent facade with your parents.

Oh, if only they knew you let your boyfriend fuck you every day under their roof.

“Jaemin! Fuck!” He sneaked a hand down to where your bodies were connected and focused on your neglected clit. His fingers and the insistent thrusts of his hips obliterated any caution you had, leaving you too overstimulated to care about your parents overhearing.

But then a call from downstairs brought reality crashing back in “Dinner’s ready, kids! Come down!”

Jaemin's movements halted mid thrust, his eyes flashing with a mixture of surprise and panic, mirroring the same emotions that played across your face. You gave his arm a quick slap, the unspoken message in your eyes was clear: pull out, now. Yet, your body had other plans, clenching involuntarily around him as if begging for more, and he shut his eyes tight. You felt way too good to stop now.

“We’ll be right down!” He yelled, and instead of pulling out he picked you up, and switched positions. He knew riding him would make you come fast.

From his seated position, he looked up at you through his long lashes, a silent plea in his gaze. It didn't take much for your resolve to crumble. Your hands settled on his shoulders, grasping onto the firm sinews of his muscles as he wrapped his arms around you. As soon as you started moving, you saw him slowly lose his composure. This angle made each thrust reach deeper within you, “How the fuck do you… feel so good, hm-.... every time,” your eyes fluttered open and you caught a glimpse of the tension etching his brow and the way his teeth clamped onto his lower lip. He was getting closer to his limit, just as much as you were.

“You’re gonna be the end of me,” you breathe out, fingers tracing along his cheek. All he can manage is a throaty moan, too lost in the sensation of being this deep inside you to form coherent words.

“I’m-…I’m close”” he whimpered, half lidded eyes locking onto yours. Your rhythm starts to stumble a bit, your pace getting uneven as you get close to your orgasm too. He caught onto this quickly grabbing your hips to guide your moves, and every time your hips met, the sounds resonated through the whole room.

A couple more thrusts, and you're there– caught in the riptide of an orgasm that slams into you so hard that tears gather at the corners of your eyes. Jaemin's not far behind, a few more sloppy thrusts and he's right there with you. The feeling of his cum filling you and your walls clenching around as he emptied himself inside you, it was a sticky mess, but he fucking loved it.

“C’mon, let’s not make your mom wait.” He said after catching his breath, giving your hips a slight pat.

“Jaemin… I swear if they heard…” 

“Yeah, yeah… You know they love me too much to think I would ever soil their pretty daughter like that.” He winked and kissed you one more time.

ps: feel free to request more!

[calqlate]

THE LOVE & DEEPSPACE MLS AND THEIR KDRAMA ML COUNTERPARTS

INCLUDES: rafayel + sylus + xavier + zayne

WARNING(S): might be ooc bc i don't really keep up with the lore so there might be some inconsistencies (oops) (pls be gentle) (it's 10pm here and my brain is running on adrenaline) + contains some canon lore drops ig

MASTERLIST

NOTE(S): i will never stop inserting my fandoms into kdramas bc i love seeing worlds collide. anw pls partake in this brainrot with me 🤩

— RAFAYEL

ryu sunjae from lovely runner - they are both absolute losers for their respective lovers. i can picture rafayel in that one scene where sunjae was blowing kisses towards sol's house. no matter how hard his beloved tries to cut him out from their life to save him, he will always find his way back into their life.

jeong guwon from my demon - similar to sunjae, guwon is also another loser for his wife. (tbh i can imagine rafayel as a down bad simp for his lover; cue thomas sighing and shaking his head.) i can picture rafayel in the scene whereby guwon and dohee were doing that tango while fighting off their enemies too?!?!

lee yeon from tale of the nine-tailed - continuing the loser boy train, we have yeon as the final dude to add in this group. (specifically yeon from s2, bc the way he wanted to go back to his timeline so badly to see jiah matches rafayel's "the only person i'll ever love is my lover" energy.) their backstories also match in the sense that yeon never stopped searching for jiah and rafayel never stopped waiting for his bride.

— SYLUS

myulmang from doom at your service - not me choosing myulmang bc they both made contracts to their beloveds [clown emoji]. but nonetheless they're similar in the sense that they won't think twice about eliminating someone who hurts their lover.

shin wooyeo from my roommate is a gumiho - again, another contract situation. wooyeo is a "classier" version of sylus imo, and one who uses less pet names. if sylus were the ml in this kdrama, he would defo keep an even more watchful eye on his beloved so that she doesn't go about losing his fox bead. (aur naur iw to write a gumiho au for sylus now...)

lee youngjoon from what's wrong with secretary kim? - similar to youngjoon, sylus will never let his lover leave. they want to leave his mansion? he will try 101 (legal) ways to make them stay. they will find snacks they like in their room more often. they will find new (and expensive) clothes in their wardrobe. heck, even an all-expenses-paid vacation! he wants to keep them close to him; he's afraid of them upping him to leave.

— XAVIER

goo yeonjun from a time called you - like yeonjun, xavier has literally went back in time to save his beloved. he wants to see then safe and sound, and as long as they're happy, he's happy. as long as they're alive and breathing, he's fine with not being by their side. just watching them live their life is enough for him.

haru from extraordinary you - totally not projecting my all-time fav kdrama on him (or am i?) but xavier and haru have similar mannerisms and personality traits. yk how in the first few episodes danoh was dragging haru around and this guy just remained silent and followed along until one day he just started speaking? yeah that's the same with this guy. the person he likes could yap all day and he would willingly sit and listen.

moon seoha from see you in my 19th life - similar to seoha, xavier loves once in his life and he will only ever love his little star. he would never get over their death and if he's the one responsible for their death, he would be all the more upset with himself. he would throw himself into work all day and refuse to love again, thinking he shouldn't be able to fall in love ever again since he took his beloved's one chance of staying alive and happy away.

— ZAYNE

moon suho from black knight - they're both so overprotective of the one they love. the way suho essentially told sharon that haera is the only woman he would ever love is something i can picture zayne doing. if someone is out there trying to harm his beloved, you'd best believe zayne would do his best to prevent that from happening, even if it means giving up his own life.

lee suhyeok from bora! deborah - when zayne loves, he loves hard. like suhyeok, he's clumsy at expressing his affections, choosing to keep everything to himself and wait until he's 100% certain it's the right time to say whatever he wants to say. and sometimes, that can lead to disastrous endings (see also: suhyeok getting dumped on the same day he went to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend). both men are careful to a fault, all the more so with their beloved because they're scared of losing someone precious to them again.

yoo jihyuk from marry my husband - zayne, like jihyuk, would willingly stand aside and watch the one he loves fall in love with someone else. he would be supportive and wouldn't try to fight for their affection. his motto is "if they're happy, i'm happy" and he can live being an unmarried old man as long as he sees them happy.

© CALQLATE. all rights reserved. please do not copy, modify, repost, or translate my works on any platform.

[hermitw]

All my JJK character playlists (what I think they listen to) in one post (will be edited to add more when they are longer)

Every playlist is best shuffled, unless stated otherwise.

sorry these are in no particular order! pls lmk if there's any issue w the links. there are more in progress for ships/characters etc so if there's any you want, I can prioritize working on them but I take these too seriously and some have had 1 song for like a year bc it has to Feel Right

I work rly hard to have these be just my own hcs and not copying anyone elses, so I don't take recs but if you want me to hear any song I'll probably listen and maybe add it to some of them <3 I just love it when our hcs are unique and I like to see others and be like, oh that would never occur to me but I see the vision! it's more interesting to have different interpretations I think. but everyone is welcome to listen/save/share these <3

Satoru Gojo before prison realm (perfect for 2am mental breakdowns when u gotta dance and cry at any moment)

Gojo Satoru - prison realm, just prison realm (I tried to hold back forever on this. Yes, it's his 3rd playlist. 5th if u count the ships)

Gojo Satoru - prison realm and after

Satosugu's blended playlist gives me chest pain

Suguru Geto (such a vibe especially when it's raining)

Yuuji Itadori (actually in chronological order)

Itafushi blended playlist

Megumi Fushiguro

Tokyo first years' aux (Yuuji and Nobara control it but Gojo is living his best left and Fushiguro is just there like 😒 📖)

Ino Takuma (I think he'd listen to full albums)

Miwa's (cried while making this tbh)

Choso (over 50hrs, so it's vibes and emotion and chill, everything)

Kenjaku (can't cry to this one)

(only 10 images fit in a post so if you want the colored panel lmk idk if they've all been posted here atp)

Mai Zenin - The cuntiest playlist to cry to

Toji Zenin / Fushiguro (is in chronological order)

Shiu Kong

Toji & Shiu - this is like, when they were close before Toji was lost to the brain eating worm

Mechamaru's aux (I'm content w the order, no significance. Mechamaru's colored manga panel here)

Hanami's aux & colored manga panel (I did the heat stroke trend for this)

Yuuta Okkotsu - obv he listened to La Dispute

Shoko Ieri - yes her temporary cover is from the burger king video. I laughed at that thing every day for like 2 weeks.

these feel unfinished so but are going up before I forget to share (some of them are hours long I'm just a bitch)

Nanami Kento - guess I subconsciously think he's a closet theater kid?

Sukuna - includes songs that sound like his domain expansion.

Sukugo's blended playlist

The merger - Maybe not a character but deserves its own playlist

Mahito - tbh this is fun to listen to (my character analysis on him is irrelevant dw)

Toge Inumaki - resident troll

Junpei Yoshino - sorry but you know his hair is greasy

Nanako & Mimiko Hasaba - a compromise between their style

Mimiko Hasaba - morute

Nanako Hasaba - gyaru

Hakari Kinji - a lot of Japanese and Russian ig? Junji ito's music taste influenced

Kirara - she has the best taste probably idk

Hakari & Kirara

Ijichi Kiyotaka - should I apologize to him? I made this in sincerity.

Ijichi's 2nd playlist - for when he's driving and doesn't want to get bullied for putting everything on shuffle again 😔

Nobara Kugisaki - the first 2 songs are the duality of her I love it

Maki Zenin - chronological I guess

Nishimiya

Utahime - this is just vibes idk

Todo Aoi - should I apologize for this?...i could find an artist like that idol he's obsessed with and fill it out better (idk much about that scene so it's... Everything else rn)

Noritoshi Kamo - the one we meet at the exchange event, not kenjaku or the Noritoshi he possessed 150 years ago.

Naoya Zenin - I hate this bitch w my whole heart but just looking at him? good taste I fear 😔

Hiromi Higuruma - this hits so good when ur rly rly tired or late at night.

[bravevulnerability]

I’m not sure if you still take prompts but tbh, I don’t even care, can you write anything you want? Doesn’t have to be long! Just craving some good caskett 😭

A/N: I was either reading a book or watching a tv show, I can't recall, but the simple words of "I'll leave early" got stuck in my brain and shot this idea into my head. Set during 4x19, ‘47 Seconds’, initially before any confessions unknowingly occur on the other side of an interrogation room window. 

-

The knock on the door startles him, has him jerking out of his chair and bumping his hip on the edge of the desk. 

Castle curses under his breath, winces, but carries on into the living room, to the front door. 

It’s late, after midnight, and he hasn’t been able to calm his mind. All he can think about is the victims of the bombing, their loss of life, of opportunity, and how it has selfishly caused him to reflect on those areas of his own life. On Kate. 

He’s going to tell her tomorrow. He has to. What if - god forbid - the world were to end for him the way it did for all of those people today, and it would do so without Kate Beckett knowing he loved her? What if the time they had was so much shorter than they could imagine? What if-

Castle feels the color drain from his face, all of the bravado leaving him, as he swings the door open.

“Beckett,” he greets softly, self-consciously smoothing down the tortured strands of hair that have flown this way and that from the restless push of his fingers. 

She’s in his hallway with her hair falling in those gentle waves around her shoulders, her face devoid of makeup and an NYPD sweatshirt engulfing her slim frame. Kate offers him a weak twitch of her mouth.

“Hey, Castle.” Her voice is soft but gruff, as if it hasn’t been used in hours. “Did I wake you?”

“No, no,” he assures her, stepping back and gesturing for her to come in. Her eyes flicker around the darkened space, as if ensuring his daughter isn’t at the counter, or his mother on the couch. “I was up, trying to write, but after today… I just couldn’t get out of my head.”

The door clicks quietly behind them and he steps up to her side, catches the haunted glimpse of her eyes gravitating back to him. The warm glow of his office beckons them forward, offering privacy and familiarity. She's never said as much, but he thinks she favors his office, the comforting walls of books and the sofa she often curls up on when she stays late to theorize over cases or plot points for his novels.

“Yeah.” She nods, twisting her fingers together in front of her as she follows him inside. He eases the office door closed. Just in case. The last thing he needs is Alexis's scrutinizing gaze peering in. His daughter means well, he knows, but on the topic of Kate, he hopes to maintain some distance. “I know the feeling.”

“Couldn’t sleep?” he tries, sensing there is more to her visit than she is letting on. 

“No,” she admits. “I just - it’s this case. I kept seeing their faces, the crime scene, the senselessness of it. I keep thinking of the victims’ loved ones, what it’s going to do to them.” 

Castle tilts his head, understanding but still curious. Her eyes fall to her feet, the worn toes of her sneakers peeking out from her jeans. 

“It’s selfish, but it - it made me think of what my shooting did to the people I care about, that I love.” She purses her lips and exhales a breath that quivers. “I don’t think I ever apologized to you. Well, beyond the first time I saw you again after your book signing in the fall,” she murmurs, tentatively lifting her gaze to meet his. “For what I put you through.”

“Kate,” he huffs, but she catches the hand he tries to use to wave her off. He stares down at the slim curl of her fingers around his, the kiss of her thumb to the heart of his palm. “You didn’t put me through anything, you were shot. Besides, I’m one of the lucky ones. You’re here.”

“You know what I mean.” Her eyes harden, a fierce hazel, emboldened. “The summer, and… this. The missed opportunities and lost time. The waiting.”

His brow hitches, surprise rippling through his senses. Sure, they’ve talked around his unspoken vow to wait for her, their conversations always edging on everything shy of committing to one another without saying any actual truths. He’s not used to blatant honesty between them.

His hand relaxes within the grasp of hers, their loosely knotted fingers dangling in the space between them.

“I just - I know it’s not necessarily what you signed up for-”

“Beckett, it’s exactly what I signed up for,” he chuckles, tugging gently on their hands and drawing her a step closer. She has to lift her eyes to him without her heels, her vulnerability alive and shimmering in her gaze just a few inches below. “From the first day we met, I signed up for you.”

“We were different then,” she huffs, shaking her head, but he squeezes her hand.

“Yeah, but maybe we’ve been changing for the better.” He shrugs, watching a sliver of hope slice through her pupils. “Maybe the last four years were necessary, to prove we were capable of growing together. Seems worth waiting for to me.”

Kate’s lips quirk, white teeth appearing to contain the smile. 

“You always know how to say something reassuring,” she sighs, but her eyes are dancing with light for him. 

“Plus, you’re only the hottest detective in existence, so I’d be stupid to give up so easily-”

She smacks him with her free hand, her laughter quiet and mingling with his. He catches the other hand at his chest, coats her knuckles with his palm, and feels hers come to a cool rest over his heart. Kate’s laugh gentles into a sigh, her body swaying towards his, and then she’s releasing the hand that was holding his. Her arm snakes around his waist instead, her embrace tentative.

Rick's arms automatically wind around her, the movement as natural as breathing. He feels the sink of her body into his, the exhale of tension against his collarbone as she tucks her forehead against his neck. 

“I love you, Kate,” he whispers, feeling the terror and exhilaration commingling within his chest as the words escape. He expects her to tense, to draw away, but she remains against him. Still, unspeaking, and possibly not breathing, but in his arms with her fingers curled into the t-shirt at his back. “I don’t need you to be ready to say it back, but I don’t want you to forget, to doubt. I’m here.”

Her arm tightens around him, her fingers curling at his chest, as if she could hold fast to the heart beneath her hand. They remain like that for a long moment and he takes the time to appreciate the shape of her in his arms, the scent of her shampoo in his nose, and her nuzzled cheek against his clavicle.

"I don't want you to doubt either," she murmurs, the heat of her breath rushing over the flesh of his throat.

Kate gingerly lifts her head, dark lashes rising and eyes finding his. Her hand splays at the small of back, her fingertips brushing his spine. He swallows hard, begging his heart to steady before she feels the gallop of it between their bodies.

"You're not alone in this, Rick." A tender smile graces her lips, encouraging yet shy. Her eyes fall to his mouth, linger for a moment too long before fluttering back to his gaze. "And I don't think the wait is for much longer."

"N-no?" He clears his throat, watches her smile grow, and he can't help it. He touches a hand to her jaw, unfurling fingers along her cheek, and watches in amazement as she leans into the cup of his palm.

"No," she confirms, covering the back of his hand with one of hers, holding it there as she turns her head and brushes a kiss to his palm that sends a jolt of electricity up his arm.

"Kate," he sighs, giving into the compromise of pressing his forehead to hers.

"Sorry," she mumbles, abandoning his hand to dust her fingers to his chin. He feels the tips of her fingers trail along his jaw, his eyes fluttering closed as her thumb skims his cheek. "I think I should go."

"It's late," he argues, eyes flickering open to find hers watching closely, bottom lip pinned beneath her teeth again. "Just stay. The guest room-"

"Castle, Alexis and your mom-"

"Something tells me Alexis won't even notice since she leaves for classes at the crack of dawn and my mother won't be up until the clock is flashing double digits."

She's considering it, he can tell.

"Stay," he murmurs, forcing himself to draw back and stealing the hand from his face.

"Castle," she huffs when he begins to drag her towards his bedroom.

"Here," he tells her, letting her go to dig through his dresser, retrieving a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. "These should be comfortable, but you're welcome to raid my closet and drawers for other options if-"

She swipes the clothes from him and glowers as she brushes past, heading for his bathroom.

He nervously rearranges his pillows while he waits for her, trying not to pay attention to the sound of running water or the click of the doorknob.

She still looks uncertain when she drops her clothes in the chair beside his bed, her sweater landing on top of his robe, making him stupidly delighted.

"Come on," he says, climbing onto his side of the bed and cutting the lamp lights. He feels the darkness will seal the deal, allow her the courage to crawl under the covers to innocently lie beside him.

He doesn't know when they decided on his room instead of the guest room, but she makes no move to leave now.

He looks anywhere but at her while he slides his legs beneath the comforter, the sheets, and settles onto his back. But his body, his senses, are attuned to her, and he can hear the quiet rustling of her doing the same. When he risks a glance, he can make out the dark mass of her body curled beneath the blankets a few inches away.

"I'll leave early," she breathes into the shadows between them, as if making a promise to them both.

"Kate."

A moment of silence passes and then the mattress is shifting, her body warm and lithe and nestling beside him. He eases his arm around her, feels the welcome weight of her head on his shoulder, the contented sigh of her breath against his neck.

"I'll leave early," she repeats, adamant but soft.

"Go to sleep, Kate," he whispers, resting his cheek against her hair and feeling the restlessness of her quieting.

Her arms curl between them, her cold hands against his ribs, her knees against his thighs. He drifts to sleep savoring the points of contact.

-

When he wakes, Kate is gone. Later, he finds that the shirt he lent her the night before is as well.

-

The next night, when he receives a late knock on his door, he's aware of who will be on the other side and he opens it with anger roiling through his insides.

"You stormed out before I had the chance to explain," she begins immediately, coming into his loft as if she were a storm herself. "I know why you're upset with me, but-"

"Kate, I really think you've said enough today," he cuts her off, keeping his voice low.

It's late, hours since he knows her shift ended. He knows she planned this purposely to avoid his family, to corner him while he was alone.

"What I said to Bobby-"

"Yeah, I already heard it once. I'll pass on a second time," he mutters, locking his front door and leaving her in the entryway.

"Rick." But she follows, of course, chasing him with soft steps to the sanctuary of his office. "It was an interrogation tactic. You're just assuming I was being honest with a suspect," she hisses, easing the office door shut behind her.

Castle crosses his arms and leans back against his desk.

"Fine," he concedes, bitterly. He already knows the answer to his next question, he feels it in his gut, his bones. The horrible truth he's always known. "Do you remember every second of that day? Of being shot?"

Her throat ripples with a swallow, but she exhales steadily, steels herself before she says a word.

"Yes," she confesses, holding his gaze. "I've always remembered."

"Every. Second," he clarifies. Not a question.

Her lips part, the bottom one threatening to quiver ever so slightly. She squares her jaw to stop it.

"Every second," she confirms, her fingers in fists at her sides. "I remember you tackling me, trying to stop the blood, to - to save me."

He casts his eyes away from her, not wanting to remember it, not wanting to recall the feeling of hot blood on his hands, the wide surprise of her eyes, the panicked sound of her gasping for breath beneath him.

"I remember you telling me you love me," she whispers, the words soft but measured. "That was the last thing."

"All this time," he manages, blinking away the horror of those images. "You lied."

"I know," she whispers, exhaling a shaking breath into the silence between them. "I didn't - I didn't know how to face it then. How to be - how to be what I wanted to be for myself, for you. I just... god, Castle. I panicked and if I hadn't been in therapy for the last few months, I'd probably still be lying to you."

He spares a look at her then, the crescents of purple beneath her eyes, the glimmer of moisture making them sparkle in the darkness of the room.

"When I woke up in that hospital room, I didn't feel like a person anymore. The only purpose I've ever felt I had was solving my mother's murder and after the shooting, I didn't think I could survive making room for anything else," she attempts to explain, but he can hear the hitch threatening her throat, the choked sound of her trying not to cry. "I didn't feel worth much else."

Argument bubbles unbidden on his tongue at that, but she speaks first.

"I - I wanted you," she declares, meeting his eyes with a desperation he's never seen in hers. Not for him. "But I didn't feel like I could give what you deserve. I needed to be better first, to heal, to make the room. To acknowledge how important you are to me."

The unshed tears spill over, creating rivulets down her cheeks.

"I love you," she says, but her voice has changed, strengthening with resolve. "I love you, but I wasn't going to screw it up, so I was trying to put in the work. To be more."

Castle doesn't stop her when she takes a step toward him, another.

"I'm sorry." She doesn't touch him, but stands before him, palms up and bare, as if begging. "I should have gone about it all differently, but I - god, I never wanted to hurt you, Rick."

Without thinking, he touches the tear stains on her cheeks, brushing them away with his thumb.

"You don't have to forgive me tonight," she adds softly, staring up at him with tired eyes. "You can stay angry for a while. Just don't - don't give up on me yet."

Shit, she was breaking his heart, siphoning all his resolve.

His fingers slide into her hair, cradling the back of her skull.

"I would never." Her eyes flutter in what looks like relief. "I get it, I do. I just..."

"Hate it," she mumbles, the corner of her mouth twitching ever so slightly.

He shrugs. "I wish we could have done it a little differently, yeah. But I'm not going to hold it against you, Kate, I just need time to process it all."

She nods, her lips pursing resolutely. "Of course."

Her head turns toward the door, but he snags her fingers. She looks to him in askance.

"Will you stay?"

She hesitates. "What about time and space?"

"I didn't say anything about space."

She is not nearly as anxious to crawl into bed with him this time, her body settling beside him without preamble and her arms twining around his torso.

"We're okay, Kate," he promises her, burying the words in her hair as her nose touches his throat and one of her ankles hooks around his.

He rubs her back, tracing the line of her spine through another one of his t-shirts. Eventually, the taut arrangement of bones begins to relax beneath his ministrations and her breathing evens out, her body slack in his arms.

He tries to sleep, but despite all she said, all that has happened over the course of the last few hours, he can't tear his thoughts away from the fact that she loves him. And she said it out loud.

-

Most of the following nights are spent with her appearing on his doorstep or his on hers, the hour often late, but her smile is always worth it. The first time she opened her door to him, after a night of being dressed up for a stint with Colin Hunt - he hated that guy - she was beaming.

"I thought you'd be at home brooding," she'd chuckled, locking the door behind him, pleasing him with her intent to keep him there. "I was about to come to you."

"No, I couldn't wait that long," he admitted, hanging his coat on one of the empty hooks. "I was kinda hoping you'd still be in that dress."

Kate had huffed a laugh, already dressed down in one of the t-shirts she had stolen from him. He had yet to call her out on it because he didn't want to give her a reason to stop.

"Don't worry, Castle," she teased, lifting her hand to his cheek. "I'll save it for another time."

His brow arced at that. "That statement is heavy with implication."

"It was intended to be," she grinned, sauntering to her bedroom.

He had to bring up the case to keep himself occupied after that, but the way she looked at him every time he insulted Mr. Scotland Yard almost made it worse.

Oh yeah, Kate Beckett definitely wanted him. But until she made the next move, he would wait. He wasn't taking any risk of moving too fast when it came to her. Not when he knew this time would be for keeps.

-

The evening they solve the zombie case, she vows to appear at his loft, teasing him that he'll never get that makeup off without her help. He has a laser tag game planned with Alexis that turns into the icing on the cake of his day, with his daughter announcing she will be attending Columbia for college.

Most of his makeup has been scrubbed off, the costume gone, when Kate knocks on the front door.

Alexis glances up from washing the dishes, her brow furrowed. "Were we expecting anyone this late?"

"Just Kate." He tries for nonchalance, but Alexis eyes him with both intrigue and wariness as he starts for the door.

When Castle opens it, she's on the other side as promised. She's changed from her leather jacket and jeans to a soft sweater and yoga pants, looking warm and inviting at his doorstep.

"Oh look, you did a pretty good job," she chuckles, reaching for his nearly cleansed cheek, stroking the bone there.

"I don't know if you'll have better luck," he admits. "Prosthetics and stage makeup leave quite the mark."

"Well," she grins, tapping the bag on her arm. "I brought an extra strength cleanser, so we'll give it a shot."

The water from the kitchen sink is still running, catching her attention. Alexis's presence is likely visible from the doorway, the clinking of dishes going into the dishwasher pointedly loud. He feels nervous but hopeful as he watches Kate determine what to do next.

She lowers her hand from his cheek and bites her bottom lip. "Am I too early?"

"No, not at all." He extends his hand for hers and she slips her fingers into the cove of his, allowing him to guide her inside.

-

"I think she hates me a little less," Kate murmurs, her eyes following the work of the cotton pad she swipes along his skin.

She and Alexis spoke briefly before his daughter went up to bed. Kate had lingered before following him to his en suite bathroom, watching the stairs his daughter had disappeared up with worry lining her face.

"She never hated you," he grunts, wincing when she has to scrub at a spot on his forehead with a little too much vigor. She's been wiping makeup from his skin for the last twenty minutes, standing in front of him while he perched on the edge of his bathtub in his pajamas. "She was upset with me."

"And she's a protective daughter. Trust me, I get it," she assures him gently. Her thumb skims the curve of his eyebrow and he opens his eyes to find her studying him. "I think I should go home tonight, Rick."

He eases his hands onto her hips, watching her brow arch in response.

"I don't want to rush things with Alexis," she elaborates, tossing the cotton pad into the trash and reaching for a clean hand towel.

She dries his face with tender brushes.

"She is unaware you've stayed here at all," he reasons. "I doubt tonight would be any different. Besides, it's late."

"Castle, it's ten," she chuckles, but she hasn't shoved his hands from the resting place of her hipbones. "There's no reason for me to stay."

"No?" He rises slowly from the edge of the tub, holding her gaze the entire time. "What if I need you?"

Her nostrils flare ever so subtly, a tell he's picked up on. She's struggling to ignore him.

"Cuddling is part of our healing journey, Beckett."

She rolls her eyes and shoves on his chest, but doesn't fight the tug of his hand on her arm, the offering of his clothes, his bed.

-

Castle's eyes flutter open. It's barely light out and it's early, he can tell that much upon waking. But something has woken him, the featherlight dance of a touch to his cheek.

As his vision focuses, he sees Kate lying beside him, her fingers migrating from his face to comb through his hair.

He hums and shifts closer to her, burrowing into the warmth of her body.

Her arms wrap around his neck while his band around her spine. Their legs are tangled and her lips are moving against his ear.

"I gotta go," she whispers, turning her head to graze a kiss to his temple.

He sighs and loosens his grip on her, allows her to untangle their limbs.

"See you in a few hours?" she murmurs, one of her hands still reluctant to leave him, draped along his jaw.

"Of course," he yawns, gazing up at her from his pillow.

She bites her bottom lip for a second before leaning forward, lingering there before tilting her head, dusting her mouth to his. Instantly, his senses come alive under the electricity of her lips.

Castle's arms stall in their retreat from her body, reclaiming their hold on her again.

A smile blooms on her mouth before she's kissing him with more confidence, fitting the curve of her lips to his. He hums in response, kisses her back, and feels her body canting into his.

"Mm, Beckett, you make it hard to let you go," he grumbles, feeling more than hearing the rumble of her laughter.

She stains another kiss to his mouth, mumbling a last farewell against the corner of his mouth before regretfully pulling her body from the bed.

-

The storm batters against his windows, lightning illuminating his office as he deletes the murder board on his screen, Kate's face disappearing with the tap of his fingers.

They fought last night in her apartment, his love for her used like a bargaining chip for her life, and it wasn't enough.

He's done. He loves her with a fierce strength and softness, in ways he's never loved anyone else, but he can't watch her throw her life away.

It'll just hurt more.

No, he would rather try and gain as much distance as he can before he gets the call that Kate has become the latest to fall victim to the Dragon's wrath.

The knocking on his door begins with vigor.

He pauses, unsure. His first thought is that it must be Kate and the last thing he wants is another argument. But, it could also be Alexis. He turned his phone off after the third consistent ring with Kate's number flashing across the screen. What if his daughter needed him?

Shit.

He curses himself for his ignorance, vowing to turn the phone back on as soon as he checks the door.

Rick composes his expression, ensuring he doesn't look as hassled as he feels, not wanting to alarm his daughter on her special night if it is her.

He unlocks the door, tugs it open, and feels all of that hard work immediately fall, frown returning instantly at the sight of Kate Beckett.

She's soaked to the skin, dripping rain all over the carpeted hall of the building and the entryway to his loft.

"Beckett," he sighs, his fingers already clenching around the door's edge. "What do you want?"

"You," she whispers, breaching the slim space the door allows and reaching for him.

His body betrays him, moving too slowly to block the ascent of her hands to his face, the rise of her body into his, the adamant press of her mouth.

"You had that," he grunts into her kiss before prying her hands from his cheeks. But he doesn't let her go, he can't. So he holds her captured wrists to his chest, studies the desperate features lining her face, the trembling form of her body. "What happened?"

"He got away," she rasps, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "And I didn't care."

Traitorous hope seeps through the cracks of his heart.

"I almost died and all I could think about was you," she breathes, her head shaking as her gaze roams his face, taking him in as if seeing for the first time. Seeing him clearly. "I'm so sorry, Castle. You were right and I'm - I'm sorry."

Her wrists rotate in his loosened grasp, fingers climbing to bridge at the back of his neck. Her toes arch, lifting her body to meet his, allowing her lips to ghost over his.

"I love you." The words sound sacred falling from her mouth onto his. "I'm sorry I didn't treat you like it."

He suffers only a split moment of indecision - he loves her back, he always will, even though she scares the shit out of him.

Castle layers his mouth over hers, swallows the moan she exhales at the bruise of his kiss, the surge of his body using hers to shut the door. Kate cradles his head in her hands as he kisses her, the tenderness of all the nights before, of the last kiss she graced him with, gone in favor of the brutal fall of his mouth upon hers, the needful crush of his bones into hers.

She doesn't seem to mind, every scrape of his teeth, press of his palm, and grip of his fingers being returned with fervor.

His hands tangle in her hair, wet and dripping down his bare forearms, tilting her face upwards. She gasps when his tongue slides past her parted lips, swiping along hers and exploring the cove of her mouth like he's always wanted to. They've kissed like this before, frenzied and frantic in a darkened parking lot under the ruse of saving Ryan and Esposito, but there was still an ounce of restraint alive then. She had a boyfriend and he was desperate to show her how good they could be together, but they were allowed so little time, so much uncertainty.

Not tonight.

Her head drops back against the door as he skates lips and teeth along her jaw, down her neck. Her arms are clinging to him, her hips clashing with his, as if she can't keep him close enough.

He slows, though, when he reaches the bared flesh of her chest, the scarred skin between her breasts. His thumb skims the spot with reverence, his lips dust there next, feeling her shudder beneath him.

She whimpers as he travels his mouth up her skin, teeth nipping at her collarbone, tongue slicking along the rain coated flesh of her exposed shoulder, her throat.

"Rick," she breathes, the fingers of one hand fisting in his hair, the other slipping between them to yank at the buttons of his shirt.

Castle slides his hands down her sides, her hips, and curls them around her thighs. She's ready when he lifts her, using her toes to hop into his arms.

He chuckles as her arms wrap around his neck and she flips her hair to one side, angling her head to kiss him again.

"Eager, Beckett?" he smirks into her mouth, digging his fingers into her ass as she takes his bottom lip between her teeth.

"Yes," she admits without hesitation, letting him go for a split second to shrug the sopping leather jacket from her shoulders.

It hits the floor with a wet slap, but he can't be bothered to care. She smiles into the next kiss she lays upon his mouth, her happiness tasting like champagne bubbles on his tongue.

"You really love cuddling with me, huh?"

She laughs, tightening her thighs around his waist as they start for his bedroom.

"I plan to do more than cuddle with you tonight, Castle." Her thumb traces the bone of his cheek. "Think you can handle it?"

Her eyes are sparkling, gold flashing excitement rippling through her irises.

Castle kicks the door of his office shut with his foot and carries her into the bedroom.

"The real question is, can you? If you're planning to be up with the sun-"

"No," she cuts him off, kissing him quickly before he can lower them to the bed. He bends to lay her across the mattress, the bracket of her thighs drawing down him into the cradle of her hips. "I don't plan to leave early."

"Oh?" he muses, brushing back the damp strands of hair from her cheeks.

Her fingers thread through his hair, trickle down his neck, and trail along his spine, sending a shiver through him. Her eyes wander across his face, as if studying every feature, lips settling into a soft smile.

"I want to stay," she whispers, like it's a secret.

"Then please," he murmurs, resting his forehead to hers for a moment, breathing into the thin space between them. "Stay."

[kifflepiffles]

Festival Skipper

Sam x AFAB (neutral terms) reader

Because I'm a new Sam simp and realised you guys are STARVING

Word count: 5.7k

Content: Praise, softdom Sam, smutty hurt/comfort, and tbh a lot of goofing around because I doubt Sam would be super serious AKJSHD Also because I just never really liked dirty talking that much

I'll edit this post more and post this to A03 later... I'm going to eep, it's past my bedtime

Update: its up on A03! And if you wanted more immersion, heres the playlist I listened to while writing this AKAHSH

Shoutout to @loverboykirstein for letting me use your banner -7-;;

---------------

Winters in the valley were always calm and slow. Quiet and beautiful, the villagers embraced the icy scenes while waiting for their home to come back to life. 

Calm, slow, quiet, and beautiful were all things that [y/n] had gotten used to over the past year of living on their grandfather’s old farm. A calm environment, a slower life, and quiet, beautiful surroundings had dissolved all of the ailments they lived with on a daily basis in Pine-Messa city. The hopelessness, the burn-out, the anxiety and insatiable exhaustion had been left in their Joja cubicle. 

But winter was different. This was an all-consuming, eerie kind of quiet. you had only started getting fully used to the brand new silence and slow living in the fall. You were far from ready to be plunged head-first into the abyss that is Pelican Town’s winters. There was genuinely nothing to do, and you couldn’t stand it. The Adventurer’s Guild has been your saving grace. It was something to keep you busy. But lately, you have been a bit too busy for comfort.

The usually cheery and social farmer had seemingly gone missing for a few days. The guild has given you a quest that they thought you were ready for, but you proved to be in over your head, even if you wouldn’t admit it. 150 slimes needed to be slain by the end of the week. Today was the last day, and you had only dealt with 90. Marlon was annoyed, and had given you a stern talk about the guild policy.

 “These slimes are breeding like rabbits!” He would hiss, “If they head upwards, guess what? The town is fucked, [y/n]. fucked!” His voice grit in the farmer’s skull like sandpaper. Your teeth grinded with rage over Marlon’s thoughtless blame. 

For the first time in days, you had plopped down on your living room couch and unlocked your phone. What seemed like hundreds of notifications flooded in. Missed texts from Abby, from Sam, even from Sebastian. Arching a brow, you scrolled down on the notification block to read more

Rock Eater

[Image]

[image]

[image]

3

Johnnie Gilbert’s lookalike

Where are you?

 I thought you would like the ice festival :(

Dog Boy

[Y/N]!!!

WHERE ARE YOU?? >_<

YOU NEED TO KICK WILLY’S ASS AT FISHING

PLEASE I MADE A BET WITH SEB I CAN’T LOSE

+17

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself. You had been so caught up in the slime bounty that you completely forgot one of the festivals. It sounded like a fun one, too. It was a tradition older than Pelican Town itself. The festival started as a ritual to ward off winter depression, but it was given the Christmas treatment and now centered around ice carving, fishing and shopping. Abigail even sent a picture of the Gotoran cart merchant’s pig in a little jacket.

With a heavy sigh, you tossed your phone to the other side of the couch and rubbed your face. you’d answer them later. Right now, the last thing you wanted was to explain why you were gone. So why not pretend to be gone for a few more hours? It’s already been days. 

Slumping down against the plush of the couch, [y/n] turned on the new TV you had just bought from Robin, a smart TV in limited stock. You knew you had to grab one while you could; Tech products like that were a bit of a rarity in the valley. They were hard to get unless you wanted to travel to the cities, or pay a ridiculous shipping fee. 

Curling up against the armrest with a blanket, your brain went on autopilot as a streaming service booted so you could watch a comfort show. With your head resting on the armrest like it was a pillow, you found your arms clutching over your torso. Usually a plushy would sit there, but you couldn’t be bothered to get up. You didn’t even notice your blinks slowly becoming longer, filled with tranquility, until…

knockknockknockknockknock

The heavy, yet gentle knocking had made you jump out of your skin. Your eyes darted around as your body tried to come back to life. Hesitantly, you let your legs leave the blanket.

Knockknockknockknock

“Just a sec-!” you called out whilst scurrying to your feet. Oh Yoba, please don’t be Lewis asking for bills or Pam asking for more homemade alcohol. 

You quickly tried to fix your clothes and hair as they walked over to the door. You needed to look somewhat presentable if you wanted to avoid excusing your disappearance. Upon opening the door, A heavy load flew off your shoulders; It was just Sam

“Oh thank fuck,” you huffed. your heart rate slowed and you let your head rest on his shoulder. 

Your friendship was odd. You two were close. Really close. Not to say you weren’t also close to Sebastian and Abby, but this was… different. You were touchy. Everyone but you two acknowledged the tension and hesitance. 

“Hey,” Sam whispered, lazily wrapping a heavy arm around you. . His skin was cold, chilled to the bone from the frigid night. “I left the festival early to check on you. I… haven’t heard from you in days, I was getting worried,”

“Sorry,” you whined, “It's been… rough,” you sighed. A breeze flew by, causing both of you to shudder. “Here, come in, maybe I’ll start something in the kettle,” you invited, Which Sam quickly obliged. 

“Really? That’d be awesome, thank you so much [y/n]! You got any more of that mint hot chocolate? It was sick!” He suggested, closing the door behind him with his foot

“I can do that,” you hummed, grabbing your kettle off the stove and filling it in the sink

A shiver ran through Sam’s bones as removed his snow boots, leaving them at the door and made his way to the couch while you were occupied with the drinks. While sitting down, he rubbed his hands together and sighed into them in a sad attempt to warm them, 

“Um… Where have you been again?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at you as you returned and sat next to him. You paused and took a breath. Did you really want to open these flood gates?

“Marlon,” you finally grumbled, “Adventurer’s guild stuff. Slimes are breeding like crazy, which is odd because they usually don’t start until Spring. They’re starting to infest entire floors and rise closer to the surface. We’ll keep it under control but… Spring might be rough. I might need to cut back on my crop load” you vented. The release made you release tension in your face that you didn’t know you had., Sam’s smile contorted into a look of worry.

“Holy shit, dude. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you insisted as you rubbed your face with open hands, as if attempting to scrub off the stress and sleep deprivation “Just,, hnnnggff,” You leaned forward, placing Your elbows on your own knees. “Marlon’s been on my ass, dude. Bad,”

“That’s not fair, he was at the festival earlier,”

“He was?” you snapped up with wide eyes

“Yeah! he cheered Willy on for the fishing competition,”

Suddenly, you felt your blood run hot, “That motherfucker,” you hissed. As if timed for this exact moment, the kettle began to whistle, and Sam had tried his best to keep his giggling quiet

In a swift motion, you stood from the couch and made your way over to the kitchen, “I’ll put arsenic in your drink,” you threatened as you opened the cupboard and grabbed two mugs along with the box of powdered drink mix. As grumpy as you were, his laughter was contagious. You needed to bite the inside of your cheek and clench your jaw to avoid giggling with him

“Aww, come ooon. You know you love me,” Sam teased. you rolled your eyes, ignoring the fact he was kind of right

“Please,” you giggled. After a few noises from the kitchen, you returned with two steaming mugs in hand and placed them on the coffee table. you plopped down beside your best friend, a heavy, slow sigh leaving your lips, “That mother fucker… was he seriously there?”

Sam tilted his head and hummed a curt “Hm?” 

“Marlon,” you whined. You shifted in your spot, then leaned your head on his shoulder. Sam’s eyes darted down at you. He had to admit, he felt a bit of pity for you. How could he not?. With a slow breath, he wrapped his arm around your shoulders and nodded

“Yeah. He was. … Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, just… ugh, forget it,”you grumbled. You snuggled into your friend’s body, wanting to hide from the rest of the world with him. His jacket had just been washed, but the smell of weed still lingered under the faint scent of detergent. Domesticity was something that you had to admit you craved. It’s been a long time since you loved someone, and out of everyone in the small town, Sam may be your best candidate. You tilted your head up once you decided to stop hiding. Your gaze met his own for just a second before he anxiously looked away. A smirk tugged at your lips. You had to admit, his coyness was cute.

“I really missed you, y’know,” you commented. You kept your head down, but looked up through your eyelashes, a calculated puppy-eye to test the waters. Sam looked back down to you. A small smile joined the pink blush on his face

“Really? I mean, I uh, I really missed you, too,  [y/n]. I… I really did,” He stammered out with an embarrassed grin. Yoba, he was adorable. you snuggled closer, letting your hand rest on his thigh

“I like,, really missed you, Sammy

Sam’s eyes slowly widened as he started to realize what you were implying, “... Did you?” He whispered back, turning his body to face yours more, “...It really was quiet around here without you,”

Then there was silence. His wide, sweet blue eyes met yours, but you were focused on his lips. A precious mauve pink, complemented by the silver hoop filling his single lip piercing. The flesh looked smooth and soft, you couldn’t help but wonder if he had done that on purpose, in hopes you would kiss him one day. A slow blink adjusted your gaze to meet Sam’s eyes.

As if someone had told both of you that now was the moment, both of you leaned in. When your lips met, Sam’s hand moved to cup your cheek, just to feel a bit closer to you as his lips tingled from the contact.

Despite it being brief, the two of them had pulled away from the kiss with beaming grins and flushed faces. 

“... wow,” Sam whispered through shy giggles. How could you not share his laughter? He was so cute. If he had a tail, your drinks would be all over the floor and the mugs would be broken. His pretty eyes seemed to glisten in the light from the television and crackling fireplace, it being the only light in the whole cabin.

With a bright red face, Sam fidgeted with his hands, unsure of what to do next, let alone what he was allowed to do. He was terrified to overstep a boundary and ruin this moment, the kind he would dream of at night and wake up from in a wet spot. 

“Here Sammy, come here,” you whispered, placing your hands on top of his to guide him. his hands landed on your collarbone. You led him downwards, and directed his hands to cup your breasts. His eyes widened and his lips parted, making you giggle in a whisper

“Sam… are you… inexperienced?” you asked, trying to phrase it lightly. Sam swallowed, but seemed mesmerized by the warm, clothed flesh in his hands. He shook his head,

“Not exactly… just… It’s been a while. A long while, And I really like you,” he whispered. His eyes didn’t even twitch off of your body as his hands began to grope. Before you could question him, his eyes finally darted to your face. “Uh,, can I… is it okay if I keep touching you? I.. I want to explore a little bit," he asked. The sentence making its way past his lips was enough to feel himself swell into his jeans, the fit quickly becoming snug on him. With a smug grin, you nodded.

Sam leaned down, pushing you down into the couch. His irises seemed to tremble along with his hands as he took in the view beneath him. He couldn’t help but admire his beloved friend. You were prettier to him than anything his imagination could ever build. His fingertips snuck under your shirt, just to explore the body beneath it. A shiver ran up your spine from the contact, feeling the sensation get stronger and sweeter as his calloused pads ran upwards, then back down and towards the front, running down your ribcage and pausing at the belly button.

 Even though the sight and sensation was blissful, you continued to worry. You continued to worry about the trouble you may be in with the guild. Then you remembered the fun Marlon must’ve had at the festival you unwillingly missed… the fun he stole from you.

A stuttering hum crept up from your throat as Sam’s hands trailed down to your hips. Feeling his thumbs gently trace your hip bones, you gazed down at him 

“Sam?” 

Sam’s hand’s paused and his eyes flickered back up to meet yours.

 “Yeah?” He asked. 

There was silence again. Well, now you had to admit, you were a little embarrassed. But you already had his attention. Your stomach churned and you looked over at the wall to break eye contact.

“... Was he having fun?”

“... huh?”

“Nevermind, nevermind,” you stammered out. Sam sat up a bit,

“[y/n], if you don’t want to this this, I totally–”

“No!” you nearly shouted, making Sam jump, “Sorry,, I… I really want you. Please. Let's keep going,”

“Okay… okay,” Sam mumbled with a nod. 

He lowered his body again, letting his chest land on yours. He planted a kiss on your cheek, then another. He was so sweet…

He let his peppered kisses travel down, to your jaw, then to the side of your neck. His gentle, warm hand landed on your cheek again, and you let yours trail upward on his temple, your fingers tangling his hair

“I just…” You sighed out, staring at the ceiling. Sam stopped what he was doing and lifted his head again. You could’ve sworn a whine left his lips. He stared at you, like a dog waiting for a treat.

“I can’t believe he would do that and not tell me, he stressed me the fuck out all damn week-”

“[Y/N], are you sure you don’t want to pause and talk about this? Because I’m totally cool-”

“No, no, I’m sorry, please keep kissing me,”

Sam hesitated for a moment, but just shook his head and sighed, admitting defeat (and slight disbelief) with a raise of his eyebrows. His shy hands wandered back under the hem of your shirt, and his soft lips landed back on your neck, trailing towards your shoulder. His hands wandered up, his touch lingering on your rib cage until his hands landed on your bare breasts. A perverted smile tugged at his lips as he massaged at them and let his palms flatten against your nipples. A hum rose from our throat, you had to admit it felt good. Especially since it was him. Your hand ran through his hair, yet you continued to stare at the ceiling. You wanted to be immersed so badly, to surrender, but for some reason, you couldn’t make the leap…

“Y’know, I don't think I’d even be so bothered if h—”

“Alright,” Sam interrupted. In a fit of becoming a bit annoyed, he clasped his hand over your mouth and leaned over you. Your eyes grew wide and you quickly shut up. His head leaned down next to yours, his warm breath petting your earlobe, 

“Here’s what we’re gonna do.” 

He adjusted himself so that his weight was supported by his elbows and he raised his other hand: a clenched fist with his pinky finger up.

“Pinky promise me this is what you want. No feeling bad, no “sure why not”. You want this. You want me, truly,”

You were a bit stunned. This was almost uncharacteristic of him. But you had to admit, you kind of liked it. Though without hesitation, you lifted your hand and interlocked your finger with his.

“Okay, good,” He removed his hand from your mouth, using it instead to brush his knuckles against your cheek, “I’m gonna try something, okay? Nod if that’s okay,”

Your cheeks heated up, and you quickly nodded.

“Okay, perfect, awesome,” Sam mumbled to himself. His hand began to trace down your waist again, slowly. “I need you to stop talking for me, okay?” He whispered in your ear before kissing your temple. His finger trailed your hip bone, threatening to dip under your waistband. “I need you to clear your mind, as best you can. I need you to release that tension in your jaw,” 

Slowly, his finger dipped under your waistband, simply caressing the skin underneath,

“And I need you to surrender yourself, and let me make you feel good. Can you do that for me?”

His voice was soothing and loving, gentle and coy. But his words, they were so, so hot. His breath was hot, running down your neck. it made your crotch begin to throb. It made your breathing quicken with anticipation.

“Mhm…” You hummed with a nod, your voice faltering under the situation.

“Good, good,” 

His hand crawled even lower, until it met your lower lips. Despite being excited, he kept it slow. Carefully, he slipped one finger into your lips, then a second one, and spread them apart. 

“You’re… wow… you’re really wet,” He whispered, mostly to himself with wide blue eyes. His fingers explored the new territory a bit, grazing on the labia until his fingertip found itself on your clit. 

Your body spasmed, and a slightly startled gasp left your lips. His teasing drove you mad.

“I know, honey, I know. It’s okay,," He whispered, tilting his head downwards until his breath caressed the shell of your ear. "That’s an outside problem. It’s just you and me in here, baby, Okay?" His whispers echoed within your foggy head, and he began to press loving kisses onto your cheek again. 

He rubbed the thick, calloused pad of his finger over your clit, rubbing back and forth at a painfully slow pace, “Just like that. Good. ... You’re doing so good, sweetpea,” It left his soft lips in a delicate whisper, as if it was a secret for you and you alone.

 You reeled your head towards his. A helpless whine passed your lips and your back arched, revealing just how pent up you let yourself become over these past few weeks. It was a manifestation of how many times you pushed down your feelings for your beloved skater boy. 

He kept it going for a little, letting your body warm up while lewd whimpers and hums echoed into his ear. Such a sweet noise for him, one that made him rock his hips into the couch cushions with a groan 

“You’re so cute, you know that? Especially like this,’ He teased, 

The graceful movements of his hand slowed, leaving you to pout. Though your attitude switched up quickly once you realized he stopped so he could take his shirt off. You sat up, a new wave of excitement rushing over you.

“Lets go to my room,” You suggested in a hushed voice, as if anyone else was around to hear you aside from your pet. Sam dropped his shirt to the floor and smiled, the chain around his neck with his father’s old dog tag jingling as he moved

“Sounds good,” He agreed, “wait, we should try that thing they do in movies, y’know, where they’re trying to kiss and remove their clothes at the same time while going to the bedroom. It’ looks kind of fun”

Ah,There was the idiot Sam you knew and loved.

You couldn’t help but laugh and nod, “Okay, let's try it,”

Sam had become a bit shy again, “Wait, time out,” He muttered before he unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, letting the bulge in his navy blue cotton underwear a bit more free, “Sorry, it got tight, It kind of hurt, time in,”

You snorted and covered your mouth with your hand, giving into your fit of giggling,

“What? It did!” Sam tried to defend, before the giggling overcame him too, “I’m sorry dude, I’m just, absolutely packing, y'know? I can’t keep my foot-long contained in these skinny jeans, he’s gotta breathe,” He joked between gasps and laughter, making the both of you erupt

“Okay, okay,” you said in an attempt to calm the situation, “Okay, come here and kiss me pretty boy,” You flirted, making a ‘come closer’ motion with your hand. He obliged and pressed his body to yours, taking your jaw in his hands and letting your lips collide. 

Both of your lips parted, deepening your kiss and allowing the tips of your tongues to meet each other. His hands wandered to the hem of your shirt again, this time pulling it up,

“C’mon, let's try to move a bit,” Sam suggested, shifting backwards while you shifted forward,

“Left Left, right left,, I don’t know my right from left,” Sam softly sung while pulling your shirt over your head, making you giggle more,

“What was that?” You asked,

“A military marching cadence my dad taught me when I was a kid. I just remembered it because this is… a lot harder than they make it look in the movies,” he rambled, the two of you giggled together again. With a grin, sam dropped your shirt to the floor and pecked you on the lips, 

“Maybe I’ll teach you the whole chant later,” He placed his hands on your bare waist, and turned so he could gently push you against your living room wall, “I’m a little busy right now,” 

“It’s a date,” You agreed with a rasp in your voice. You tilted your head to the side, letting Sam begin to nibble at your neck, this time with more intention than his gentle kisses. One hand found its way back to your face, the other found its way back to your breasts to continue his soft squeezing and massaging. He let his teeth sink into your skin, over your collarbone and shoulder. He kissed the bite marks he left, and carefully sucked some, leaving bruises, hickies, and your whimpers in his wake. 

“Sam…” You whined, “Mm,, You’re driving me crazy,,”

“Yeah?” He hummed, leaving one final kiss on your neck, “Come on,” He took your hand in his. His pretty eyes flicked at yours, and he placed a kiss on the back of your hand with a grin before pulling you back towards your room.

Your body collapsed into your mattress as Sam kneeled on the floor beside your bed frame. He began to work his way down, placing kisses between your breasts and down your abdomen. His hands took a firm grip of your hips. With a bit of a haste, he pulled down your pants and took a moment to admire you, your almost naked body with nothing but underwear. A big smile cracked his face

You looked down at him, feeling a little nervous,

“Is everything alright…?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” He assured, his eyes seeming to glow, “I’m just… You’re so pretty,” he whispered. He gazed up at you, his eyes meeting yours as he attempted something new; He grabbed the hem of your underwear in his teeth, and slowly dragged it down your legs.

Yoba… you could feel your hole start throbbing.

‘Heh,, learned that one from a comic Seb showed me,” he admitted a bit bashfully. You put your hand over your mouth to hide your smile and turned your head. Of course he would say that.

He took a second to admire you yet again, but the sight in front of him teased him beyond just gazing,,

He dragged his fingertips up your labia again, stopping once he reached your clit and flicking his eyes up so he can watch you squirm

“Where did we leave off?” He teased, “Something like this… right?” 

He continued his back and forth motion, regaining his confidence as he watched your face contort and heard your restrained moans. He let his pace quicken, and let his other hand begin to tease your hole with another fingertip. 

“Sammy…” You whimpered. Your walls throbbed and clenched around nothing, waiting very impatiently for him to make his move.

“Patience, honey… patience,” He cooed, letting his finger run a small circle over the rim before sinking in. You let out a groan and tilted your head back. Once pushing in to the second knuckle, he began to pull out, push in and pull out, then added a second finger. He leaned his body closer, keeping the pumps of his hand slow and methodical. You gripped at the blanket beneath you and let a small moan pass your lips. He was doing it on purpose

“Sammy… come on…” You whimpered, rocking your hips against his hand. He obliged, allowing his fingers to sink deeper and faster, an upward curl joining the routine as he leaned even closer. He moved his other hand away from your clit, and instead replaced it with his tongue. Soft, shy flicks of the tip of his tongue joined the rhythm of his hand. His masterpiece, and the finishing touch to his symphony was the moaning and mewling that left your chest. 

“Fuck-!” you cried out. Your knees began to tremble around his body, your nails scratched into your forearms and your hips rocked. In a fit of needing something to hold onto, your hands quickly switched to holding his shoulders.

Sam picked up his pace again, the tips of his fingers rubbing your walls and his head bobbing a bit for more movement. The velvety feeling grew stronger and stronger. You dug your nails into his skin, making him groan into your crotch, his voice reverberating into your core. 

“Ugh,, Sam! I’m so… I’m…!” You tried to whine, but the sweet sensation he provided made it hard to speak.

“I know, I know,” He hummed, “Give in, it’s okay,”

You threw your head back, a howl escaping your chest while your thighs vibrated. Your hole spasmed around his fingers as liquid arousal dripped around them, and your clit twitched in his mouth. 

“Fuck! Sammy-!” you whined, followed by one more long groan. He slowed down, helping you ride out the high of your first orgasm in weeks. 

Your body went limp and he leaned back. He extracted his fingers, and noticed how hot his face was. His skin was bright red, his eyes were puffy. And he was ecstatic. 

He crawled up into your bed with you, immediately kissing your face like a puppy,

“That was perfect. Beautiful,” He praised, “You did so good, so good,” He laid on his side, gazing at you while you continued to come down and catch your breath. You turned your head to face him, and a smile tugged at your lips. 

“...Round two?” you asked. Sam’s attention piqued. 

“Really? I figured I would give you an extra minute,” He commented. Not that he was complaining though. He stood up, and his knees cracked from kneeling on the hardwood floor

“Ow, holy shit!” He yelped, more so in shock than in pain. Even after having one of the roughest orgasms of your life, he made you giggle.

“You okay, honey?” you asked through deep breaths and giggles,

“Yeah, holy shit,”

He pulled down the waistband of his undone, sagging jeans. Seeing that your eyes were still on him, he decided to raise his hands beside his head and wiggle his hips in a hula hoop motion, earning a laugh from the both of you. You turned onto your side, watching as he kicked off his jeans and pinched the waistband of his briefs.

He pulled them down, and your eyes nearly popped out of your skull. It wasn’t the foot-long he pretended to have, but at first glance he could’ve maybe had you convinced. What bounced out proved Abby’s speculation of him being well hung. He was thick, and blushed dark red with arousal. 

You crawled back towards your pillows, and he joined you on your bed. 

He leaned over you again, the dog tag around his neck hanging down and laying against the skin of your chest. 

Your legs opened around his hips, and you bit your lip with anticipation. The tip of his penis rubbed on your wet slit, making him puff up his cheeks a bit. He was already so worked up, but didn’t want this to end so fast. He flicked his eyes to yours, and stabled himself on his elbows so his hands could touch your face.

“Don’t worry. I promise I’ll be gentle,” He whispered, “You ready?”

You nodded, and he adjusted his body so he could line up with you and grab your shoulders. He paused for a second, then began to slowly push in. 

both of you gasped. There was a slight, sweet sting with the stretch as he tried his best to keep moving so he could keep the friction going. As you encapsulated him, a groan left his throat. 

“Shit,” He whined, “You’re fucking great, [Y/N]” he mustered out, giving you a rush as he began to pull out, then push back in and begin a steady pace, or at least attempt to. It took everything for him to not fuck the shit out of you, but he knew he could never. You were too precious to him, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. 

Your arms hooked under his and you let out a groan. You felt him rocking through your whole body, filling the room with a squelching noise, heavy breathing and the quiet creaks of your bed,

“More?” He asked with a bit of a strain, almost as if he was begging, 

“Please,” You huffed. He picked up his pace, allowing himself to go deeper. In and out, in and out, his tip began to rub against the rough spot inside you, shooting electric pulses through your body. 

“Hnn-! Sam!” you yelped, making his body heat up. “Good,, So good!” You let out, a sad attempt to mimic his praises and sweet nothings that got you so riled up in the first place.

 With a guttural groan, he adjusted himself, attempting to get a better angle and speeding up again. The creaking of your bed gradually turned into a rocking. The heavy breathing gradually turned into a song of pleasure and bliss. The squelching turned into an arrangement of continuous wet friction. 

Your back arched as his tip began to kiss your cervix and massage your favorite spot. Your head reeled back against your pillow as Sam’s tilted down, watching you squirm and writhe worked him up more and more. 

“[Y/N]... I’m… getting really close, [Y/N]” he whimpered, 

“I am too, Sammy,” You mewled. You reached down through what little space there was between the two of you and began to rub on your own clit. It only took a few rubs for your body to spasm and for you to yowl.

You began to see stars as your hole throbbed and convulsed around Sam, turning his thrusts sloppy and rough. It pushed him to the edge as well.

 He whined and moaned out, grabbing tightly onto your upper arms so he could rock himself through his orgasm. Ropes and pearls of hot semen shot out from him into you. 

He slowed down into a stop, this time leaving both of you panting. With a tired groan, he pulled out and let his body ragdoll beside yours. 

“Are you okay, sweetpea?” he asked through heavy breaths. You turned over to face him and nodded,

“Yeah, I’m okay, I’m alright,” you assured, leaning into his touch while he pushed strands of hair out of your face. 

The two of you gazed at each other, taking the other’s fucked-out looks; face red, hair a wreck, eyes glimmering. 

“You did so good, honey,” You hummed, attempting once again to mimic his praises. You planted kisses over his face, making him grin and chuckle with what little energy he had left,

“Come here,” he mumbled, pulling you into his arms so he could snuggle his head into your shoulder. 

“...What are you going to tell your mom?” you asked, using your knuckles to pet his hair,

“I’m sure she’ll understand. She knew I was leaving early to see you. … I’ll probably sleep over though, I really don’t want to deal with that right now. Ugh, I’m so lucky she and my dad like you.”

A smile spread on your face as you allowed yourself to reciprocate his snuggling. Though Sam spoke up again,

“... What are you gonna do about Marlon?”

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[janamelie]

New Red Dwarf Challenge

Day 11: Favourite Dynamic (romantic, canon or noncanon)

Lister / Rimmer.  Duh.

To be clear, I mean “Duh, of course I’m going to choose them”, not that they’re the only choice.  I’d be genuinely interested to read a post by someone whose primary ship isn’t them.

But I think even non-shippers would acknowledge that their relationship is the backbone of the entire show and the reason it’s lasted as long as it has.  They really are a classic case of “Opposites attract”.  Or should that be “Opposites are forced together and despite themselves come to care about each other”?

I honestly don’t care whether they’re officially canon or not (I know the answer is not and I can live with that).  They might as well be.  

Would anyone who watched their Series 1 clashes back in 1988 have expected the Moonlight speech 32 years later?  That is some serious character development.

I’ve written so much about them over the years (both fic and just general meta) that it’s hard to narrow it down for this post tbh.  But I do think that one reason they continue to fascinate me is because there are so many alternate versions of them and every single version - in its own way - works.  It just means there is so much to explore in fic.

Another factor is of course the chemistry between Craig Charles and Chris Barrie which is there from their very first scene and is only enhanced over the course of the show.  We’ve seen them age and mellow over what is now approaching four decades (help) and as the actors have become more friendly over time, so have the characters.  I really can’t overstate how fascinating it is to watch characters age and develop in real time over this number of years.

There is also the fact that somehow Rob Grant and Doug Naylor, despite being the furthest thing from slash shippers, managed to - mostly unintentionally IMO - incorporate so many fandom tropes.  Evil doppelgangers, sex viruses, dreams about kissing, female versions, body swapping, future versions, messing with people’s memories, changing your own destiny etc, etc.  I think the reason it works so well is precisely because they weren’t trying to court us.  Mostly.

The main obvious exception is the Moonlight scene which I personally think was Doug acknowledging Lister / Rimmer shippers whilst performing a delicate balancing act because that isn’t the way he sees it.  The way it’s been left, it can be read either way.

I’m personally OK with that, because I certainly never got into this ship because I expected it to be canon.  I did so because it shouted at me from the screen and my brain wouldn’t shut up until I’d written about it.  It still hasn’t, so I'm still writing.

And when I started doing so, I never expected Doug to come up with such a poetic way to describe the Lister / Rimmer dynamic.  Kudos.

P.S. Also kudos to Craig and Chris acting their socks off in this scene. <3

[drenched-in-sunlight]

Hi there! I wanted to say your art is absolutely incredible and always brings me back to Elden Ring when I forget just how amazing the game is. I live for your depictions of Marika.🥹

I was partly just curious after you posted the recent family tree, is there a reaspn Ranni and Radahn don't make as much of an appearance in your drawings? What is your thoughts on their questline/storyline in general?

Thanks for all the cool art, you're getting better with every piece!!

tbh... i think draw Ranni a lot, she's literally the cover of my first fromsoft fanbook 🥲🥲

though most of my art of her is from 2 years ago, i wouldn't say i don't draw her often at all 😭 i've drawn Radahn 4-5 times too. i understand because i draw too much, it's easy to have an impression that i draw some specific characters less, but compared to, say, the Omen Twins or Rykard or Melina (who i keep meaning to draw but haven't got around to do so yet), Radahn and Ranni are two Carian characters i draw the most of that side of the family (well, Rellana is looking to dethrone them soon but you get what i mean aksfkjdfkj)

Radahn dudebro fans keep pointing fingers saying i hate him but i actually like him. as a guyfailure that is so obsessed with these symbols of a Lord in his father and Godfrey, yet failed to live up to any of them (*stare at that scene of Morgott whooping his ass*). his involvement in the DLC is an interesting spin on things to me, and make a lot of sense in the grand scheme of things (when i saw that we found like... 11 Miquella's Lily in places most personal to Radahn like Carian Manor and Sellia. hoo boy).

lately, i lowkey think Radagon specifically picked him for Miquella and encouraged his obsession with being a Lord. to me at least Radagon is really bitter that Godfrey is the First Lord and not him (her actual other's half! sentenced to live away from her while another man got to be her first in everything! the injustice!), so him not only discrediting Godfrey's descendants (whole thing with Hunters of TWLiD) but also preparing a whole new pair of Lord and God that should have been how he and Marika could have been from the start sounds like the kind of overcompensation he'd be doing (look honey that could be us but you tripping).

so in a way i do feel for Radahan and Miquella falling victims to Radagon's list of issues (though it's only one reason in many other reasons for them to turn out that way ofc. Radagon merely nudges the pieces into certain direction, they go barreling head first down on their own). and i actually like that i could come up with all that thanks to the DLC. imo it actually adds a lot more to Radahn and Miquella's character (depends on how you view the story though whoops).

you can say i like him (and Miq) the way one likes AC6 Iguazu... or Genichiro. the kind of hater characters that are doomed to fail from the start, but they are stubborn and will run head first into the wall again and again. and it's fun to put them in a jar and shake them.

Ranni... after the DLC my feeling for her is a bit more complicated. before i get why she did all those things and i like her story enough, but after the DLC as you see i come to really like Godwyn and links him closely to Marika. so now it's kinda awkward for me to insert Ranni in all the scenarios im drawing lately?

it's not that i stop liking her, it's simply that the scenario doesn't line up for me to add her in that's all. and it goes to other characters i haven't drawn tbh. not because i don't like them, i simply don't have anything in my brain about them to draw out. i don't think there's any characters in Elden Ring i hate tbh (yes i do like even the Hornsents. i find the stories in the scorpion stew and dried flower talisman really somber and give them a lot of humanity too, fucked up rituals aside).

and thank you for your kind words! my editor has been on my ass for a whole year about my art and it does help me improve a lot, im glad to know it shows in the quality of my fanarts as well!

[harmlessghosty]

Saw the vamp!touchstarved character braunrote and I offer my opinions:

Vampire Vere would be ruthless before he really falls in love with reader. He's greedy and wouldn't think twice about draining someone. But tbh I think when he gets close/serious with reader he'd still be greedy and messy and shit but he'd drink readers blood like it's fine wine. He gets his main fix from other victims but really savours reader. Expect it to be extremely bloody tho, he likes it to look like a crime scene xD

Leander for sure tries to kinda hide it. Not hardcore, bit he tries not to tell EVERYONE. He won't go our of his way but also you wouldn't know by just looking at him. I also think he'd be hesitant to drink from his SO and would make it way romantic, or at least he'd try

Mhin would go out of their way to hide that their a vampire. Would NEVER EVER dream of drinking from a person. They and up having to do it but they won't be happy. Also if their SO asked for them to drink their blood Mhin would refuse 100 times before agreeing. Feels very bad that they actually enjoyed it.... Might have gone a bit overboard too (vere did find out and tease them to hell and back fs)

I don't have much on Ais and Kuras rn cause... Brain empty

VAMPIRE TOUCHSTARVED BRAINROT, LET’S GOOOO! I love love LOVE all of your headcanons. Absolutely love them.

—

Vampire Vere would definitely not think twice about murder. MC would find him dabbing at his crimson lips with bloodstained, monogrammed handkerchiefs more often than not. And when he wants to feed from his beloved? It’s an entire show he puts on. They get a candlelit room, a nice hot meal, tons of fluffy pillows and blankets…the whole nine yards, before he leans so close, his breath runs across the nape of their neck. “You smell delightful,” he whispers, a firm kiss pressing to their skin. “I’m sure you don’t mind that I eat after all of this preparation I’ve done for you, hm?”

Leander DEFINITELY tries to hide it. There are rumors, of course, swirling around Eridia, but no one really knows what’s true and what’s not. Turns out, being a contracted killer really helps conceal his vampiric identity! He can easily do away with bodies and no one will ask questions. Why do criminals keep appearing with two holes in the same spot on their neck? Weird. Maybe someone should hire Leander to look into that and find the culprit…and of course, he’ll take MC along for the journey, which seems a bit more roundabout than it should be. If he needs to feed during the trip, then perhaps they’re a good source of sustenance. After all, does it matter if his beloved knows his secret? They won’t tell a soul unless they’re trying to get themselves mysteriously killed too…

Mhin would never drink from a person…unless they’re absolutely starving to death. Even then, I imagine it to be a moment of disgust with themself—retching and vomiting the first few times they feed, then admitting they need to drink blood for their survival and doing it as humanely as possible. They knock out their victims and only drink until the hunger has barely subsided. They choose spots beneath clothes where marks could be mistaken for bug bites. Mhin struggles to admit they like MC’s blood more than anyone else’s; they really wish they didn’t, but they can’t get enough of it, to the point that they find it difficult to sleep beside them at night without absentmindedly running their fangs along MC’s skin. They’re just so hungry around their partner. Maybe…just a little sip…

Ais is a voracious beast and doesn’t try to hide his vampiric nature even a little bit. Everyone knows he’s dangerous, and everyone avoids him like the plague. And naturally, Ais with Vere is…horrifying. There’s a lot of begging for him to give mercy and let them live, but he’s no fool. If he lets too many of his victims live, then surely people will find a way to gang up on him. While that’s an interesting proposition, he’s not sure he wants to fight a dozen weak-ass humans when he’d much rather fight someone of his own caliper; humans are just too pathetic. When he meets MC, he’s constantly teasing them with flashes of his long fangs. “Scared? Should be, little sparrow,” he says, scrubbing dried blood off of his knuckles. He even sneaks up to feed from them, thinking MC will just be another victim, but somehow becomes smitten with their taste instead. They should be savored. It’s much more satisfying tasting them on occasion than devouring them whole so quickly.

Kuras is meticulous. He’s very much prone to drawing blood through proper means and drinking it from simple testing tubes in shot-like doses. If a patient needs a transfusion or a blood test, he’ll simply take an extra vial or two as payment. Yes, he feels guilty at first, but he can’t allow himself to starve when he needs to help the people of Eridia as a consequence of his terrible past. When MC is discovered practically bled out and armless, he makes sure to put them back together and doesn’t take a sample, not even a little, but he strongly considers it. He even has to wipe drool from his lips because they simply smell so strongly of beautiful blood. When they get closer to him and realize his true nature, he offers little more than a calm smile. “Would you like to sustain me as well, or do you prefer our current partnership instead?”

[zhuoyichenpretty]

Ep 26 Commentary

Alrightyy I've mustered up what's left of my brain for a belated ep 26 commentary post. IRL responsibilities are getting a bit away from me so I wasn't able to spend as much time on this as usual; apologies if the haste shows through! Consider this more reaction than meta.

As always, spoilers under the cut:

A carry-over comment, but I really do appreciate the Li Lun/ZYC scene in ep 25 for how it solidified ZYC's resolve and reminded him of where his heart is, what he believes in, what he chooses to defend. Such a load-bearing and pivotal conversation for both characters in opposite directions of development. It also makes ZYC's return to the Bureau triumphant in a way, despite all the preceding trauma, despair, and hopelessness. WX embraces him in relief that he's safe and in comfort for what they've all just been through, and for us, it's doubly meaningful as a sort of homecoming after a confrontation that only we have witnessed. It's also interesting, the cutaway as they hug, the things we have been made privy to and the things that are kept private from us.

Ouuughh the lines voiced over as ZYZ and ZYC meet eyes for the first time since all that transpired in Tianxiang Pavilion. It gives such a deep sense of wordless understanding and intimacy. I'm reminded of when the show did that for Ranyi and Miss Qi's final lines.

As I mentioned previously, a lot of subtext became text in this episode, which was quite exciting (and also extremely adorable the way ZYC was like "I think I've said too much" /// afterwards). I didn't expect ZYC to convey his understanding of ZYZ to him so soon, but that really goes back to something I love about ZYC: that he doesn't really waste time expressing something once he's come to an emotional conclusion. Maybe there's something to be said there about how he knows, after the loss of his family, how important it is to say the words when you have them to the people in front of you while they're still here.

If ZYC's words and his tears offered to a catatonic ZYZ in ep 23 were an expression of star-crossed and conflicted love, this parallel scene is just an utterly unrestrained confession, the stars be damned.

Also, tbh I never found ZYC's reactions to ZYZ to be unfounded or unreasonable, even when misguided in the beginning (and necessarily so, given the narrative and premise) or at times harsh (which I also found much-needed for ZYZ to hear, and delivered with obvious sympathetic anguish). He was clearly reflecting and actively revising his own preconceived notions this entire time, feeling for ZYZ the whole way through, and I do think he's demonstrated realistically and impressively the full extent of empathy perhaps as far as it can possibly stretch without personally experiencing ZYZ's life himself and while still living and feeling for his own. But to see ZYC so ready to address his previous flaws, to admit them and correct them, to go beyond them and to reach out so plainly for ZYZ in front of him now that he has that personal experience—the relationship between them has transcended the initial set-up of two opposing characters meeting in the middle. The show has gone that extra step and made their perspectives one. And given that I didn't personally find that step to be narratively necessary, so to say, (as in, even without it there's not truly a narrative obstacle because I already believed ZYC loves ZYZ despite everything and we've already seen the lengths he'll go to not to kill ZYZ), it feels like a choice in every definition of the word. Like a development motivated by love all the way down.

WX gets the least traumatic cloak-draping scenes out of the three of them, thank god.

Oh shit I forgot about fixing the Wilderness I'm so glad they didn't lmao.

Ahhh the crossroads moment at a literal (kind of) crossroads right before entering the Bingyi Clan's forbidden area. ZYC suddenly wanting to go alone or back out, stuck weighing the danger to everyone's lives, who they can and can't save depending on his choices. It makes me think of what happens when we let intense love in and it comes with intense fear, makes us freeze up. Suddenly, the stakes are in sharp relief, and the courage to move forward isn't so simple anymore.

"修好了，你也別死" ("Once it's fixed, don't die either.") Head in hands. ZYC's voice here, his expression, that desperation. Yeah I think this episode was so draining because of how all pretense is being stripped away and all that's left is ZYC's profound love for everyone, so raw and vulnerable that it hurts to watch, especially knowing he won't have it easy trying to keep everyone alive.

Kind of love how freely ZYC cries and says the vulnerable things in front of all his loved ones. Like. That's truly his family, his people, his heart.

ZYZ please. Imagine ZYC's grief without you. Please just stay.

Yay 12 seconds of angst-free bickering right before (as someone else called it) the trolley problem

Ok so, I'm not sure how common this interpretation/reading of the following scene is, but it's been rattling around in my head for a while now so I'm just gonna include it here. If y'all disagree, pls disregard! Basically, when ZYC first turned to PSJ and thanked her, I was terrified for a moment that he would ask her to stay. Because on one hand, ZYC would never, but on the other hand, imo there's a lot of (I think deliberate) ambiguity baked into the scene. In ZYC turning to PSJ right after we're told "one of your friends or all three of them," in him starting the series of goodbyes with the character he has the least onscreen development with, in the finality of what he says to her but also the lack of clarity on just who this is final for, in PSJ's expression and WX's reaction, in the dramatic turning away at the end. Like, until he turns away from her, I think there's room for interpretation on what he's decided to do, and as someone who's grown quite surprisingly invested in the ZYC-PSJ dynamic, I'm kind of morbidly interested in this reading of events.

What might be going through PSJ's head at ZYC's words, if at this moment she hasn't yet realized his self-sacrificial intent? Does she think she's going to be asked to stay? Does she assess the situation, conclude that she's the person ZYC is least close to and perhaps the one least able to contribute in whatever comes next as the only human here, and begin resigning herself to this outcome? Are the tears in her eyes the sole indication of her conflicted unwillingness to die here that makes it through because as he's talking, she's evaluated that this is the best possible scenario for them all (esp for WX) and will commit herself to his decision even if it also breaks her heart to be chosen this way?

I may be taking this and running a bit far with it, but I just think the ambiguity of this one brief moment can create such angsty implications between the lines (as if we needed more angst...) and despite their scarce onscreen interactions, I'm kind of a sucker for the "extremely noble (to the point of tragedy) knight choosing to acknowledge and follow and dedicate their silent loyalty to a leader they deeply respect" dynamic, even if it is understated with all the other relationships going on in this show. Given how reticent PSJ is, it makes a meaningful impact on me every time she displays concern for ZYC, so you know it crushed me to watch her desperately and irrationally (the most pragmatic of them all!) try to shoot at him with her arrows while knowing there's no way it'd work. The way she was the first to act, the sound of nothing but the ice and the stretch of the bowstring. I really do love their platonic bond much more than I expected to.

Oof. The freezing. I don't want to sound like a broken record but I loved TJR's acting here because I think it's so easy for this scene to look awkward as he's stuck facing forward and pretending to freeze haha. His microexpressions as he realizes ZYZ is behind him, as he tries to chase him away with his words, as he's probably burning from the inside out with all that ice. That last tear as his gaze turns hollow. A+

I also love ZYZ's lines about not believing he can't overcome ZYC's powers like yeah this is a newborn demon with no inner core and ice powers that he taught him lmao

Okay, that's a wrap for my thoughts on this ep! I was originally going to include ep 27 reactions here too, but seeing as this is getting a little long, maybe I'll roll 27 into my thoughts on ep 28? We shall see!

[le-trash-prince]

This Love Doesn’t Have Long Beans Episode 7 Thoughts

Oab not even gonna comment on Kluer trying to kiss Plawan he’s just gonna get his man out of there

THE DRAMATIC FALL OF THE WHALE PLUSHIE SFJFJDD

I’ve said it before but I do not like Kluer. Too much Nice Guy TM energy for me. Just bc ppl smile and tell you all the things you want to hear does not mean they are good to be around

DID OAB JUST PULL HIS BACK SHFJF IM CHOKING

Plawan being upset about Khaosuay but still trying to be understanding towards Oab :(

Did Plawan get this muscle metaphor from JJ i bet he got this metaphor from JJ

Oh no they’re actually getting together before Plawan tells Oab about Methas OH THIS IS GONNA HURT

Plawan’s convenient odinsleep when Kluer tries to confess… me tbh

“Do you think Kluer will be really hurt?” *cuts to Kluer sobbing his heart out* don’t worry he’s a trooper i think he’ll be fine

I think this is my fave OabPlawan love scene so far, it’s so well choreographed and the framing is great… that pants drop was fantastic. Too bad it’s such a short scene

Methas’ fucking pouty face when he’s asking JJ to hold his hand

Ooooh JJ’s trying to draw a line, he’s caught feelings

HE CAN’T MEET METHAS EYES HE’S CAUGHT FEELINGS

oh my GOD THANK YOU DIRECTOR CINEMATOGRAPHER AND EDITING TEAM FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL SHOT OF METHAS HAND ON JJ’S ARM

You got a butt cramp Methas?? REALLY???

AHDJFJDJDJFJDJJFF

JJ ALMOST GAVE IN TO THE KISS ARGHDNFNFNF i knew it was gonna happen it was literally in the pilot but im HRRGGHDFBNFBG

LIES DOWN

IM FINE

Butterfly pea flower tea!!! Plawan’s presentation is so fucking cute

Punsib you were too good for all the hormones in this kitchen

Kluer this ain’t it man… just let it go son

NUB NUENG DON’T TELL OAB THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL you curse his house

Pad croquette??? I want…

“I never cry when you teach me” alexa play Teach Me Tonight by Dinah Washington 

It’s the way they started making out downstairs when Kluer is still living there and he’s the only one left… Kluer buddy if I were you I would just quit at this point it’s not gonna be a good time for you

KLUER JUST STANDING THERE WHILE THIS FIGHT HAPPENS SHFJFJF 

DID METHAS REALLY JUST SHOW UP TO TALK SHIT LAUGH IN OAB’S FACE AND LEAVE SHFJFJFJF someone get this man a moustache to twirl PLEASE

he’s got teleporting powers now too damn 

METHAS’ SMILE WHEN HE’S ALL DRESSED UP ON THE CLINIC TABLE WHAT A SMUG LITTLE SHITTY CAT LMFAO

Even though I don’t care for Kluer, I don’t blame him if he snaps tbh. The most absurd part of this competition is making your right hand man jump through all these hoops to prove himself over complete strangers. Like if Kluer had the money in the first place, Chef could’ve just sold him the restaurant and none of this drama would’ve gone down

Laughing my ass off at the long beans reveal no one ever reacted this dramatically to a dish with yardlong beans in it before

AUTO RETURNS NEXT WEEK MY SON!!!

Gonna be so sad when this is over tho, they better be starting on Pit Babe 2 soon before my brain eats itself alive

[mellarked-katnisseverdeen]

THG Reread Thoughts...I don't know how many I am up too. Sorry XD.

Katniss and both her alliances reresent some kind of rebellion, tbh. Both of them are representing her chooseing love and compassion over obeying the Capitol.

Katniss is SMART. SO much smarter than I remember giving her credit for. She isn't uber, mastermind genius because she is still in actual fact 16. But she was able to form a plan to get a legit leg up on the Careers useing all of her and Rues skills and it works as best it can. And I don't even think ALL of that is how much she is forced to survive. I think Katniss is genuinely a sharp girl.

Mentioned it in the Rue focused post...just the way her death hit me true tears came to my eyes. The unfairness and pain Katniss expereinces took my breath away as an adult whose, this time reading it, has expereince so much more loss.

So the rule change...is interesting. I will always maintain Crane WAS a bit short sighted sanctioning it. Had he thought about the possibility of them actually both living and what that would mean I legit don't think he would have. Whitch speaks to the ambition that festers in the Capitol...they wanted a better show, a love story. To bad that became hope and a rallying cry.

Katniss calling out Peeta's name is such an iconic scene. It shows just how much she has him on her brain the first thing she does is call to him.

Forgot how real Collins got with their injuries. Peeta's leg is something you can't avoid for even a sentence. Katniss's hearing is a constant issue and showing even in a realisic way (as someone who considers herself hard of hearing, this is actually refreshing to see).

Lets talk everlark. I think I will start by saying how early Katniss expression confusion caused by the act they had to preform took me back. We see so much more of that, the constant unsure and confused mess around her emotions, but it does start almost as soon as the act does. Katniss begins to wonder what she is doing because there is something connecting Peeta and her, and what she is doing for the act very early on and importantly, it only gets worse. Lying does this kids, even with the best intentions. And it makes it hurt when you get glimpes of how much Katniss DOES love and care for him.

Katniss instantly suspecting there is some truth to Peetas story about his crush makes me give her sus eyes so hard XD. Like girl you seem very eagar for him to not be totally playing to the camara rn XD.

There moment hunting is SO sweet honestly. And one of the more real moments they got and I love it.

The feast and the medicine scenes shocked with how much they scared me rereading them this time around. For a moment I forgot Thresh spares Katniss, and was genuinely worried for her. Points to Collins for her writing being with rereading in mind! Her storytelling is exciting enough to be captivating upon rereads whitch is AWESOME and not always the case.

Peeta nurseing both him and Katniss back after she's been helping him. Get you a man who will do it like him.

Katniss and her reaction to their first 'real' kiss forgetting she landing a smooch onto his cheek. Yes it was a snarky thing then but still XD. Reguardless it is SO sweet.

'The first time I want another' about this kiss also has been the subject of a lot of back and forth. Reading it now, it is pretty clear to me that yea...Katniss is meant to be expereince SOME kind of desire here. If for nothing else, more closeness.

[finneastherat]

hi I’m going to ramble about Ride the Cyclone and then disappear for another 99 years

firstly go watch it. Very good musical. Yippee.

it’s not my favourite musical ever, I won’t be obsessing over it for weeks. But it’s still really damn good.

the concept is rlly fun and was done rlly well! I usually don’t have any background info of musicals before I see tjem for the first time so I had nooo clue what it could be about lol. All I knew is that someone named Jane Doe wasn’t very happy. So it was rlly fun!

ok I’ll ramble about the characters now.

Virgil the rat is the best character. Nothing more is needed to say about them. Perfection.

Ocean! I love her character and personality. Idk what cast I saw but it’s whatever came up first when I searched up Ride the Cyclone Slime Tutorial lol, but the actor portrayed her rlly well imo! Her song is bouncy and quite enjoyable!! Also at the end when she had to choose who lives, fjdihdvsijdnvif I lvoed that part. Omg.

Noel! His quote is perfection. And his song is rlly cool, probsbly my favourite alongside Jane Doe’s one. His voice and mannerisms are great and I just love it. A lot of times outwardly gay characters in media are portrayed really badly or hold a lot of negative stereotypes, bjt I think he was done well.

Misha! At the start, I didn’t like him that much tbh. And I assumed he was gonna be least favourite. But then This Skng is Awesome started playing and his ranking went wayyy up. Loved that scene. Especially considering it was right after describing his childhood trauma XD. I found Talia boring, but I can see how others can like it. It’s just not my type of song. In fact, this musical has really had a mix of songs.tjere’s been many I dislike, whereas some of the songs are absolute bangers that I doubt will be leaving my brain for a while (cough cough Noel’s Lament/Ballad of Jane Doe). Also his relationship with Noel is so yummy dsjklvndjklsnfkjsd.

Constance! Not much to say about her. I like her interactions with Jane Doe. She may be my least favourite. Of course, she’s well-written and pretty damn cool. But not the sort of character that appeals to me. And that includes her song. Her monologue is awesome tho!

Ricky! Ricky is a mixed bag. Firstly, it is weird how he can speak and walk and stuff like the secknd he dies, and Ocean does infantilise him a bit. And his song is WEIRD. But also he’s not too bad, and Soace Age Bachelor Man is pretty catchy and has some good parts despite… everything else. So yeah. Decent character.

Jane Doe! LIDJEWFNOJKDNFDEIJOBFJEKIDHFIREIJHFIJERB <3<3<33<33<3 I love her concept, her character, her actor, her design, her somg, everything! Her mannerisms and how she acts around the others is really fun and unique, and done really well! The song was incredibly well done, she’ such a talented singer, to be able to perform so well while f l y i n g !! I have so much to say about her but I really don’t know how to word it, but Jane Doe is amazing. Almost as amazing as Virgil the Rat. Also, New Birthday Skng was SO wholesome im gonna explode. She deserved to live so bad, and I’m so glad ghat’s the ending she got. Also her singing at the very start of the musical with her head all the way back to make her appear headless is genius and an amazing way to begin the play! Also the scene with her and Ricky, where he gives her the name Savannah and Jane says she wants the greenest eyes, is so cute. I’m gonna cry. And omg omg before her song and her baby photos don’t appear when everyone else’s do? Jiddnvkjldfnvkljnfd.

Karnak! Loved the character and the humour! I don’t have much to say about him, but he added to the musical so much in such a positive way . Yippe!

uhh concluding thoughts: I love this musical. Yippe. And Vergil the rat.

[trollsauseedsofthepast]

A "little" review!

Here is my own opinion on Trolls Band Together, enjoy :D :

I really don't like the French translation that my fellow Canadians uses for movies... and I certainly HATED the voices they gave to Poppy and Branch and all of the characters tbh... every time, the characters are completely devoid of emotions and are just talking because they need to with an exaggerated European French accent that we Canadians don't have... and I hate it... BUT me and my big Sister still couldn't keep ourselves from watching the movie and here is my review...

I FREAKING LOVED THAT MOVIE TO DEATH!!!

Ignoring the REALLY bad voices and bad translation, the first few minutes were really fun and I understand even more why Branch ended up loosing his colors and becoming the Branch we've seen in the first movie. Loosing his Bros was a bad enough situation, but loosing the last Troll he had was the last straw. Also, on Grandma's card that I've seen on the net, her fun fact now makes so much sense xD

I was wondering why it said Babies in plural when I thought Branch was the only baby she had to take care of, but now it makes sense xD I also wanna know why she didn't stop the Bros from leaving though...

The next scene I though was so cute, Gristle and Bridget getting married was amazing, especially when she got to "roll" to him in her call back dress from the first movie! It was adorable! John Dory immediately recognizing branch for me was really touching, although I do think Branch had a point when he tried to confront his Bro. I know what it feels like to be left behind and it's hard to forgive this gesture. It's also hard to forgive someone who tried to control you everyday of your life, then abandoning you the moment they loose their control...

But I do think John might not have realized it at the time! Or at least I hope so?

Anyway, Velvet and Veneer were so funny and they make me wonder what kind of other Creatures lives in the Trolls Universe, it's also nice to see that technology exists there too! I wonder how they got Floyd into that diamond prison? If only the perfect family harmony can shatter diamond, why not unscrew the top of the bottle? xD Jk

My sister laughed when she saw Spruce/Bruce, because he used to be the most muscular now he's big(It does make sense though as to why he would be, he's cute nonetheless) xD But we both loved his new look as well as Brandi and their kids, they were really cute! I also like their species, they looked like puppets, they were really adorable! Also, I'm wondering the exact same thing as John, How are they making this work? I'm genuinely curious xD

Crimp surprised me, tbh. What is she, though? It's not really important. Anyway, she's one of my favorite, hands down! Velvet looked like she was gradually growing mad with power, a little cliche, but still entertaining! Veneer did look like he didn't like what was going on as well as loving his fame and riches, very conflicted. And I love how Floyd was so sarcastic to him like Branch was with Poppy in the first movie xD

The too much hussle part made my brain melt, it almost felt like an acid trip like the Jazz hypno from World Tour. So, I don't have anything else to say about that. It was funny though!

I LOVE VIVA!! She's just like Poppy but hard on caffeine and I love it xD

Also, I called it: Clay is my all time favorite taking Trollex's place as #1!!! I could talk about him for hours, but I'll spare you by only saying that I think he's the cutest and funniest(Even if he doesn't want to be funny anymore)! xD

HE'S JUST SO FREAKING CUTE I LOVE HIM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I gotta say that Tiny wasn't annoying(surprisingly) in this movie. I don't like Tiny and I don't like that DreamWorks are trying to add him everywhere, but he was just fine in this movie and he even made me laugh when they were climbing up the walls with their gummy gloves xD

The car chase was fun, the songs were amazing and the message was great as well, I like how John realized his mistakes and puts Branch in charge at the end. Also....

I REALLY THOUGHT BRANCH WAS GONNA PROPOSE, WHY DREAMWORKS?!???!??!?!?!

Anyway, this was my review, I'll definitely buy the movie when it comes out on DVD and watch it until my Boyfriend gets sick of it and tells me to stop xD If you want to see it, please do, I thought it was way better that the first two by a landslide! Though I still love the first two xD

[sol-consort]

!! I love whenever you write those post ab how far u r with ur cyberpunk journey and ur opinions and thoughts x3 hope ur having a good day :D

Thank you! I love talking about it so much. This game is beautiful and dissecting its scenes is so entertaining.

I've been doing the fighting club missions lately and was surprised to see Johnny actually show interest in a car.

Tbh same, I saw the car and my jaw dropped to the floor. What a beauty. I beat the guy and let him keep the money, I just want the car!

He immediately projects himself into it and doesn't take his eyes off of the car for a second. Even is like, "What are you waiting for V?" to urge you up to win the damn match and get him HIS car.

Side note: very adorable how when he pictures himself in the car, he chooses to appear in the passenger seat and not the driver's. Because he knows he's confined to the fate of eternal passenger princess and that V will always be the one driving.

But also, I like to think that he was this way even before, never drove himself anywhere, just constantly made people do it for him, while he put his feet up (dirty shoes and all bc bastard) on the dashboard and lit a cigarette.

Anyway here are pictures of Johnny and his one true love!

(Ignore the poser merc, they're just a conformist)

But seriously here is one with just Johnny and the car of his dreams alone.

And some more because those were fun to take

-

I recently got all the tarot cards, and let me tell you the scream I scrumt when I finally found the Death card oh my got. umatchable high, finally guessed something right.

The reward is a little anticlimactic—lowkey I hoped for more scenes of Johnny's past where we get to walk around in his body, see more memories, and interact with the 2020 cyberpunk world.

But heyho more Misty content is always a win in my book! My beloved Misty! Is there a mod that adds her to photography mode? I'm desperate, man. I need to take a cool pic of her and V hugging.

How she nonchalantly called both V and Johnny the fool lmao. Accurate. Two brains, one body, yet no braincells to be found. The combination of their brains came the closest to miracling negative numbers into existence.

I'm started to notice a pattern of foreshadowing here. First, Deshawn asking V if they'd prefer a slow death by a comfortable life or to burn in a blaze of glory and become a legend.

And now Misty telling V and Johnny they need to either best the world or make peace with it. One of the two endings to the fool's journey, which is the premise of the entire game as the art direction seems to imply.

To be honest, I know nothing about tarots, and I'm tempted to look up the Fool's journey to read about it. But at this point, with this strong of a parallel, it feels like I'd just be spoiling the game plot for me by doing so. I would rather remain in the dark for now. I will check out the tarots after I finish the game.

Back to foreshadowing, this constant choice offered to you makes me think the endings will either be to follow in Johnny's footsteps and blow up the Arasaka tower, dying in the process and burning into a blaze of glory.

Or, somehow, getting rid of Johnny (or merging together into the same person and suppressing his desires for revenge with your own contentment) and just... living life, you know. Anticlimactic but expected.

(Please don't actually tell me the endings or even hint at them. I don't want to know if my guesses are close)

It'd be cool if there is an ending where Johnny just takes over you completely and the player is forced to control him instead of V. But that feels like a pipedream.

I thought about it a lot, what to do if I was in this situation and couldn't get rid of or calm down this parasite in my brain. My proposed solution is to make another brainchip, copy V's consciousness into it, plop it into any rando's dead body from the piles of corpses we leave behind in missions, then boom! Problem solved, easy peasy. If Johnny isn't willing to move out of my body, then I'll throw him the bone and move out myself. He can have it, dude. idgaf, I'll get me a new body.

But also, this solution will only work in the very, very early stages of the infestation. Otherwise, the chip would've eaten too much of V's brain to be able to correctly copy it into a new chip. Even then, what's the guarantee that we won't end up with a second V and a third Johnny? But hey, at least now they're not dying!

-

I've finished the brainchip engineer convoy mission. Rip scorpion. The amount of information revealed ??? Like

So it was never just a relic we were stealing. This chip isn't malfunctioning because Johnny is a stubborn dick who's attempting to take over our body by force. If anything, it's functioning perfectly. This is what it was designed to do, shred your brain into sludge and slowly replace all the parts.

Even in the best case scenario where the soul trapped in the relic is extremely friendly and doesn't want to harm us or erease any part of our brain, It still has no actual choice in the matter. No real power over the relic itself.

Silverhand's engram isn't special. Johnny wouldn't be able to stop the chip to save V even if he wanted to—the fact he is indifferent to the whole thing is another matter entirely.

But the thing is, why did the chip even save V's life if it was meant to activate when the host is dead? For a split second all neuron activity within V's brain began to fizzle out as the bullet tore brain tissue apart, and in that split second the relic made the choice to reboot their brain instead of completely overtaking over it.

Why?

How?

Was it a conscious choice? Was it Johnny's doing? Was it the relic's doing? Was it some stroke of luck?

This also means that Arasaka ment for Johnny's relic to be activated eventually, for what purpose exactly? Why keep the soul of your nemesis trapped in stasis awaiting revival? Just to brag? A victory trophy? A lesson to teach those who mess with Arasaka? To torture him one day? Or to revive him just to point and laugh? Just in case for the unlikely scenario that shitty punk rock bands become a dying bread and it's left to Johnny to save the world with the power of music and unwashed armpits?

Hope it gets answered! eventually... after like 50 more shopping spree montages where I waste all of V's money on clothes and then wonder why I can't afford better cyberware.

I want you to focus on this line here.

"It's programmed to take over its new environment, at all costs."

"No matter what, sooner or later, the engram wins?"

"Yes."

THE IMPLICATIONS! I CALLED IT!!! I FUCKING CALLED IT!!!!

The.

Implications.

Are REAL.

fuck :(

1. Your personalities are merging. The scale is tipping very slowly, but surely. This is a fact.

2. Johnny is suddenly defensive and dismissive in this conversation despite staying silent at the beginning. Denying his influence in the past on you and warning you against listening too much to Hellman only when he started to tread on dangerous territory that'd make you suspicious of Johnny.

3. "at least Johnny never whored himself out like you" is 100% a a Johnny line. V doesn't speak like this. It's abrupt and doesn't fit with the V's past comments during the conversation. But it certainly fits with Johnny's. It was an offered dialogue choice for the player to make. We're actively choosing to make V into Johnny with every option we pick, no matter how small and seemingly meaningless.

In conclusion: the fucker's taking you for an absolute tool. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if it's Johnny's influence that's purposely isolating V just so they never listen to any counter arguments on why maybe taking advice from a mechanical tumor is a bad idea.

The more V remains miserable and lonely, the more susceptible to Johnny's influence they become. The more they hang on to his every word, take his advice to heart, look forward to the bits and pieces of chatter he drops around. Things you the player often do.

Because V's current life is unbelievably loney. You sleep alone in empty apartments, shower, drink coffee, go outside, and wander without purpose. The only time people ever call you is when they have jobs for you to take or when they need your help as in doing missions for them.

V spends entire weeks just waking up, killing people for money, going back home, sleeping, then rinse and repeat. Sometimes, days pass by where they haven't spoken a single word to themselves or anyone else.

It's normal from our perspective as players. This is how game protagonists always acted. This is why the loneliness flies under the radar for so long before the player clocks just how miserable V's life is. Why we're none the wiser when V suddenly has lots more dialogue options to reply to Johnny in small scattered conversations, someone they once swore to never listen to, yet driven by desperation and isolation into befriending.

At the end of the mission, you get the dreadful conversation with Johnny.

And I just want to point out that the man saying this

Is the very same man who said this only a few days ago.

Apparently he changed his mind again :)

Fr tho, he's clearly contradicting himself. There is a clear contrast between what Johnny wants, and what he thinks he should want.

Or once he saw that his reign over your mind is invetable, he decided to trash the whole script and come clean with his intentions since you can't do shit about it at this point.

-

Talking about isolation, I've recently finished the Sinnerman mission.

Oh Joshua :(

I've dealt with my fair share of extremely religious individuals in my life. Even ones devoted to a delusional degree. You learn to live with them. Because at the end of the day, they're people like you and me. They say the same things people say, only worded differently with some sprinkled religious qoutes here and there. You become desensitised to the fanatic aspect and learn to read between the lines.

And because of growing up in a place with a lot of religious people, I developed a sort of admiration towards the passion and devotion they hold. In a lot of instances, I'd indulge them in conversation and earnestly ask about their interpretation of certain events and ideas.

When I first started writing queer stories at 12 years old, one even came to argue with my in my dms about how wrong the thing I'm doing is. Instead of approaching me with hostility it seemed as if they pity me and wanted to gently diway me from "sin" this greatly piqued my interest as a kid and I spent hours talking to them and debating the actual meaning of certian religious lines.

Because you only get to learn more about the religion type when they share their interpretations of abstract and vague text with you, it gives you a mirror into their inner psyche, their personal opinions and believes, not the ones their holy scripture makes them abide by.

Plus, they're way more open to talking about sombre topics such as death, sin, and redemption. Things the average person considers too heavy for a conversation with a stranger. And I love to yap and philosphise about, so surprisingly we got along pretty nicely for two strangers having a conversation at the bus stop, otherwise I knew they'd want my "undesirable" queer ass to burn in hell.

So when met with a character like Joshua, he wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me. Instead, he felt like a trip back home. I could easily look past his alarming traits and see the person behind the religious talk, I've become desensitised.

I ask you to grant him the same grace, in the following conversation screenshots, to attempt to overlook the religious extremism and approach his words with a fresh open mind. Pretend he's talking about personal philosophy that he discovered or a new form of art he founded instead. Indulge me, to be able to see him in the same way I do.

I'd be lying if I said the protective way he spoke to V didn't stir something in me.

Because no one can even harm a hair on V's head if they tried, but Joshua doesn't know that. He isn't aware of V's reputation or extent of power. They're not someone you best easily. Getting shot and still keeping going is a daily occurrence to V.

Yet he's still gentle with us despite it. Soft with his words, merciful? Benevolent?

Little creepy.

Lonely. Incredibly so.

The way he speaks and holds himself is reminiscent of how stories portray kind yet wise prophets of the past. Asking the person paid to kill you to spend one day with you, willingly at that too, is something straight out of a bible story.

He has enough social awareness to realise Rachel's true views on him. He isn't stupid or naive, Joshua knows the studio is only helping him not out of the kindness of their heart, but to make money off of his death.

He knows what the lieutenant assigned to protect him actually thinks of him. A charlatan, a vile scum of a criminal that deserves death. Yet he risks upsetting Vasques just to stop him from shooting at you.

"I didn't like the way they looked at me, and I had the power to stop them"

Remorse and shame clear in his tone of voice, yet he doesn't try to evade the blame or clear his name. He takes it in stride, tells you why he really shot them after he robbed the story. He doesn't try to mask the truth and say they obstructed his escape, or that he only did it out of desperation for money.

No, he is upfront with his sins. He simply didn't like how they looked at him in fear and terror as if he was a monster.

And he held the power to stop them. Forever. Rather kill them than bruise his ego, than stain his conscience with a reminder of what he's done.

But that was in the past, the man in front of you turned a new leaf. Or so it seems.

"I truly need you."

"You're the one I want to talk to."

"Remain by my side and talk to me"

An artist needs an audience.

An idea is only relevant if it's being thought upon.

A show for one is still a show.

Vasques and Rachel are part of the cast, the opposing powers. Joshua needs someone with new eyes, someone to watch, to bear witness. V is that someone.

He truly needs you much like a painting set on fire needs an observer.

The mission continues afterwards, and he takes you to meet the sister of one of the people he killed. They talk, and you find out Joshua's true plan is.

Now, I don't think he actually thinks he's the messiah or a second coming of christ. It's easy to misinterpret it this way because of Joshua using Christ imagery in his choice of execution.

He understands art on a fundamental level. That's what makes him a good actor. He understands that if he wants to be a messiah, he'll need to go through the whole journey, not just the crucification part—which was done to Jesus against his will, yet Joshua is volunteering himself to it.

Instead, it's a display of love, not of divine powers.

If you've ever cosplayed a character, you'll understand this feeling. You would've felt a much less extreme version of what Joshua's feeling.

It is a cosplay to him. He knows he's not the messiah. But it's a cosplay done out of respect and love, an attempt to wake people up.

It's his unconditional love for his god, which he's showcasing that day, which in turn should prove the existence of god by virtue of its own existence.

He wants this display to be turned into a braindance so he can reach the general audience more easily. Because if what he truly feels at that moment is unconditional love and they get a glimpse of it while playing the BD, then it'd be as if his soul touched them, and maybe changed their views on life a little.

He's not trying to convert people by an execution garbed in holy robes, he's trying to convert them through hope and love, his own endless hope and love.

An honest attempt, by a person fully aware of the corruption that lurks at every corner in this world. Joshua is more of an artist who's using religion as a medium for his art rather than a holy figure. And art touches people just as well.

Does it ring a bell? Remind you of someone who once also tried to shake the world awake through his art?

Then there is the last line he said:

"Think of paid killers like you, V. Have you known love? Do you know what it is?"

And it stung.

The pure love V was shown in a city so vile.

The very same love Joshua hopes to show others that they're capable of.

The very same love Jackie and Mama Welles extended to you, Zuleikha has shown Joshua. If not even more. She reached out to the killer of her own brother, not for revenge to sate the burn in her heart with, but for a chance at mutual understanding.

She offered forgiveness.

You can sneak upstairs and read through her messages. You find out she greatly struggled with the loss of her brother, her journey through grief documenting through brief correspondences between her and the local priest.

That's how Zuleikha got the idea that unconditional love is the answer to this heartburn, how Joshua completely adapted her message.

And that family really struggled with loss. The room next to her is clearly her brother's room, left untouched still. His bed unmade, the same as the day he left it.

There was no bedroom for the mother, suggesting she slept on the couch or living room. Their family wasn't doing well financially, and yet the mother still sacrificed just to give her two children some comfort and privacy.

I switched to camera mode and attempted to read the scattered papers on Zuleikha'a desk. Just copy pasted assets, that, or apparently everyone in Night City owns a lease to a mango farm.

At the end of the mission, you get this conversation with Johnny.

He acts weird during it, doesn't he?

Unusually quiet at first, before V provokes him with the "Where's the rebel Johnny?"

Only for him to snap and admit that the real rebel was in this guy all along. This isn't the first time Johnny has shown surprisingly empathy to incredibly lonely people.

I thought it was strange that his hologram didn't disappear at the end of the conversation. Johnny goes from standing up to sitting down again. It was an active decision.

Until I turned back to look at him one last time before I left

And realised how familiar this scene felt.

Where have I seen this before?

Oh. Right.

Love it when devs have fun.

btw a bug happened here where the Mr. Stud ad got stuck onto the screen? No matter how much I waited, no new ad ever came. So, of course, knowing me, I absolutely did NOT take advantage of the situation to take some tantalising pictures.

Mhm not me sir not at all.

My hand slipped.... however

All night every night indeed.

-

It was by complete coincidence that I played these two missions back to back—now I can't help but see the blatant overlapping of what the studio is doing to Joshua, what the Johnny brainchip is doing to V's meatbrain, and what capitalism does to society in our real world.

Let's take a currently relevant example to the year 2025, Squid Game, the series. The first season was supposed to be the only season—much like the first world war was supposed to be only known as the Great War, but humanity never learns—It's a clear criticism of capitalism, it couldn't be more in your face with its message if it tries. You have to actively play a part in the downfall, therefore murder, of others in order to succeed. And when failure means death, succeeding becomes pure survival.

Because that's what money is, as it currently stands, isn't it? Having money means you can afford food, housing, and medication. Every means of survival once offered freely by nature has been stripped bare to make room for more factories, for more villas, for another Walmart parking lot. The weather is constantly setting new records for extreme temperatures every year. The odds of surviving without a roof over your head are getting slimer and slimer.

And Squid game took this line of logic and completely removed the middle man. It moved the finish line in front of the starting point. Shortened the sentence to "Money = the right to live"

All the silly games that mock its participants with its innate childishness and simplicity despite being a literal life or death stake. All the convoluted silly rules you have to abide by to keep a stable job if you happened to start from the bottom. How everything you've worked for, your whole life, can go astray because of a bad stroke of luck or some asshole who got away with it.

Yet look at the show now, turned into another byproduct of the market. The director abhors his creation as it's reduced to another fat, old gold vein for the studio to exploit.

Anything that aims to criticise Capitalism peacefuly, only ends up getting sucked into it instead, reinforcing the very same notion it was set out to destroy.

The 60 year old man who's dedicated his entire life to being a fanatic of Johnny's band, who memorised all the lyrics and knows all the trivial facts there is to know, shamelessly sells you the bootleg of Samurai's first gigs at a very steep price. The very same recorded bootleg of a free concert by people who didn't even know who Samurai were. They just liked the tunes and wanted to archive it. Sixty years, and yet the core message still flew over his head as he churned them into another niche band to make merch off and sell it on the street. The very same songs set out to criticise capitalism only to end up reinforcing it instead as they get sold for thousands of eddies by someone with zero right to sell them.

Knows all the lyrics but didn't understand a single word.

Going back to the parallels. Joshua's demise is inevitable, no matter what choices you make. His authenticity is only valued by how much it could improve the quality of the braindance, protected and nurtured by Rachel for its scarcity, therefore material value.

"It's programmed to take over its new environment, at all costs."

"No matter what, sooner or later, Capitalism wins?"

No matter how sincere of a message you hold in your heart, no matter how authentic and real, how pure your intentions are. Joshua only wanted to prove the existence of unconditional love, because if that could exist, then so could god, in his eyes.

It all ends up being exploited for the benefit of another who's trying to make bank in a certain market under the guise of helping you.

I post my sincere writings and thoughts on a website that bans trans people's accounts, a website that pushes mandatory ads on all of its users, that offers a premium subscription, that censors posts as it pleases to appease shareholders and ad companies. Yet still pushes ads that are just full on real life porn occasionally.

This website advertises itself as a safe place, who's not like those other evil websites ruined by greed. Whilst being overrun by pornbots and obnoxious premium subscription pop ups. And people make jokes of it now, blaze posts fot fun as a silly pvp war thing, pay the very same website to get a cool pin or two on their account. It's irony they claim, those tens of rainbow coloured checkmarks, it's to make fun of twitter checkmarks don't you get it? It's a silly haha joke, aimed to criticise consumerism! By paying ten times the price of the twitter checkmark just to get all the rainbow coloured ones on this website! Hell yeah! You're really sticking it up to the big man. Sick irony my dude.

Maybe that's why I felt sympathy for Joshua, comradery even. I saw myself in him. An incredibly lonely person whose got nothing to offer to this cruel world but their love and feelings in a form of art, who gets robbed of that too as it's used to exploit both the people who abhor and adore the art he has to offer.

I deeply apologise to you, the one reading this, for every time you went to check my blog or reread a story and saw an ad pushed into you between my writing. I'm very sorry we're both being played for idiots in this, that my art was twisted into something to take advantage of my readers for a website to earn literal pennies.

Lastly, Johnny. Our prima donna of examples.

He dedicated his whole life to destroy this one thing, only to end up having his soul sucked out and put on a parasitic brainchip.

And what does he do in this situation? Becomes the very same thing he swore to destroy. He takes and takes from V, couldn't care less that they're a person, he will do everything he can to achieve his goal—doesn't matter what the goal is—what matters is that if he needs V's body to achieve it, he will take it by force.

Every attempt to connect and sympathise with him is twisted by Johnny for him to gain more leverage over you, to sneak that brainchip percentage even a decimal higher while you're busy bearing your heart to him.

Embodying the very same methods of capitalism, the very same soul sucking endless consumerism ways. Except with your life now, your brain, your body, everything you are.

He was quiet during the Joshua quest at the end. "Where's the rebel, Johnny?" V said. He saw himself in him, the very same passion, the sincerity, the unbridled authentic drive for a noble cause.

It's a mirror to what could've become of Johnny's own heart and feelings if he hadn't left the band, turned against him into another tool of capitalism. At one point, it must have clicked that he couldn't change the world through songs.

It was also the closest he got to glimpsing the reality of his current actions, what he's done to you.

"And you're fucked up because of my fucked up head inside you."

He sat there and made a choice that day, to keep doing it, keep paving this path. If the veil to self-awareness got lifted for a second there, Johnny immediately boarded up the windows with wooden panels the next second.

What difference would one life—yours—make when he's already sacrificed a lot more innocents than you when he first blew up Arasaka tower? Shooting at the innocent and the guilty with willful ignorance.

He knows all the lyrics, but he doesn't understand the words. He'll live and die by the very same notions he never fully deciphered.

Johnny isn't the antagonist because he set out to destroy our lord and savour Capitalism, Johnny is the antagonist because he attempted to dismantle Capitalism using the very same methods of Capitalism.

It's like we're in the trolley problem, and Johnny decided to bomb the whole traintrack. Train, conductor, track, and people tied to the track included. Then he clutches his pearls when a few weeks later, they build a new bigger train and a sturdier track with even more people tied to the track.

You cannot "eradicate entropy" when you're goddamn spreading it yourself in a different flavour Johnny!

His long rehearsed speech about the plague of capitalism at the end of the mission. How the words rhyme, how he stood up to yell it out loud, pacing around and looking down at you. Filer words and abstract descriptions ment to target your heartstrings, to ignite the dormat anger inside your mind in the name of ending some vague injustice.

All very much resembling a speech given by your favourite artist upon a stage, at the end of a glass-shattering song, as you stood there sweaty and unclothed as the day you were born, looking up at him in awe as if he was a god, convinced his words were gospel as the adrenaline still pumped in your veins.

How it almost worked on V who just threw up half the sludge of their brain's viscera on the pavement.

How the irony of how much he was describing his current parasitic self during it, was lost him.

How I fear I am the very same. I play predatory gambling games, I mindlessly buy things I'll never use during sales, I preach and preach but in reality I find myself contradicting the claims I make a lot. By my own standards I don't even come close to meeting the ethical measures I set on others, I wouldn't be friends with me If I knew me.