#and zuko’s guilt about iroh in the second half of book three is about the eay he acts here just as much as his betrayal i think

[zukosdualdao]

watching zuko berate iroh in jail is honestly one of the hardest scenes in the show for me to watch (i literally had to pause and take a breath lmao, it’s just. it’s a lot.) but it’s legitimately so fascinating because zuko is doing so much projection here. which is what people very often are doing when they lash out in this way.

like, part of it is obvious. zuko blames iroh for his imprisonment, insisting they could have returned home together—echoing azula’s insistence that it was really iroh who betrayed him in tcod—if iroh had just sided with them. and when iroh says nothing, zuko insists iroh has no right to judge him. but again: iroh has said and done… literally nothing. sure, you could argue that zuko’s reading iroh silence and turning away as judgment (which, i think it’s more complicated than that. he’s very hurt and very sad, and he also doesn’t know what else he could possibly do or say when he’s tried everything to help zuko and ended up in a prison cell, so why should he think zuko will listen to him at this point?) but he came into this one-sided conversation already defensive.

zuko doesn’t feel judged because of anything iroh’s doing, despite what he says; he feels judged because he feels guilty, because he has an actual conscience, and as much as he wants to ignore it, he can’t, not entirely. but he also can’t admit to feeling guilt without admitting that the choice he made in ba sing se was wrong. and he’s not ready to admit that for a number of reasons, partially because i’m not even sure he knows that’s what he’s feeling, partially because he’s not yet ready to take moral accountability—but also, partially because at this point, admitting that is dangerous, because now he’s back with his abuser, who would take such guilt as both treason and personal offense. even if no one else was around to hear it, zuko certainly wouldn’t feel safe expressing that.

which leads to the other bit of projection i think is a lot subtler. it’s honestly not something i clocked until this rewatch, as before, zuko shouting that iroh was a “crazy old man” just seemed like something zuko was mimicking from ozai and azula, who absolutely do talk about iroh like he’s crazy, and i do still think that’s part of it.

but, idk, maybe it was less intentional on the part of the writers, but when zuko shouts that iroh’s crazy… i mean, i can’t help but think of how he’s actively being told his feelings and fears are irrational and being gaslit since he got back to the fire nation. i think it’s fair to say he feels a bit “crazy” because that’s what people who gaslight you are trying to accomplish (and we’ll see zuko admit to how confused he’s feeling in both the beach and the avatar the firelord.) that’s a scary, out-of-control thing to be feeling, so it’s not surprising that it’s another thing he tries to turn back on iroh in order to gain back some semblance of control. (it Does Not work.)

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Mutilated Mannequin (Part 3)

Azula feels as though she has signed away her soul. She supposes in some more flowery and figurative manner of speaking, that she has. At the very least, she has signed away a portion of her body.

She directs her thoughts elsewhere and begins working out a speech for the class elections; a list of promises and choice words. Perhaps she'd pass out some sort of food since monetary bribes are prohibited by the school.

Her plans thus far included a push for  a better reward system for those on the honor roll and for better funding for the non-athletic extra curriculars. She taps her pen against her lips as she thinks it over. The first formal lunchroom debate is to occur in three days time and she best have some dialogue prepared. Granted, she finds it hard to come up with anything when the student council hasn’t even told her of the questions to be asked and topics to be discussed. 

TyLee drops into the seat next to her. “How’d your...uh...thing go?” 

Azula shrugged. “It was an event and it...occurred.” She wishes that she could say that it isn’t still occurring. “How did your tryouts go?” 

“Fantastic!” TyLee claps her hands together. “You know, varsity is only for upperclassmen, like juniors and seniors…”

“I know what an upperclassmen is, TyLee.” 

“Well, coach Rangi says that she might put me on varsity anyways.” She is beaming from ear to ear and Azula tries to muster up some enthusiasm, but she hasn’t been able to shake her own dread since the night prior. 

It keeps re-emerging in her mind, the image of her altered face. If she can’t even get used to the mental image of it, how the hell is she supposed to cope with seeing it in a mirror? 

“Are you still planning on attending the astronomy club?” TyLee asks. “I think Yue said that she was going, she really likes the moon or something.” The girl gives a shrug. 

“Yes, I’m going.” Azula confirms. Between running for student presidency, maintaining her spot on the honor roll list, and astronomy, she is going to have her hands full. Perhaps it is a good thing, it doesn’t leave much room for dwelling on her nerves. If she is lucky, she might be able to keep herself busy enough to avoid a second appointment. But she knows that she will only be delaying the inevitable. 

She knows that her father will cancel her plans to drag her to the clinic. She just hopes that these appointments won’t conflict with the astronomy club. 

“Are you going to join Yue and I? Mai can’t because she has to watch Tom-Tom on Tuesdays.” 

TyLee bites her cheek. “I can probably come later in the year, but Coach Rangi says that most of our competitions are going to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, sometimes Saturdays for the big ones.” 

Azula nod, she has an overwhelming desire to guilt her into dropping gymnastics. Instead she lightly bites down on her pen. 

“Are you mad?” 

Azula shakes her head. 

She isn’t mad. 

She is scared. 

Scared and somehow she feels alone. 

.oOo.

She finds herself in the lunchroom again, bracing herself for another conversation that she couldn't get invested in.

"Hey, can I copy your history homework?" Chan asks. "Kyoshi is going ham with these assignments."

"I suppose that it looks that way to someone who hadn’t turned his assignments in, in over a week." Azula shrugs.

"So that's a no?" Chan asks.

"Chan, I threw out that worksheet a week ago." She pushes another away, and I already turned this packet in."

"Well shit..." he mutters.

"I heard you're thinking of joining the astronomy club, Toph." Azula hears Suki say as the pair breezed by.

"That's right!" Toph replies boldly. "I'm going to be Agni High's first blind stargazer! Principal Pathik is going to be so proud."

"You just want to discuss extra terrestrial conspiracy theories." Katara mumbles.

“God, they are such dorks.” Yue comments. 

Azula shrugs but she isn’t going to disagree. Though she does wonder exactly what warranted the comment this time. She tests the waters, “if you think astronomy is for dorks then why are you going to the club?”

“First of all, it’s cool when we do it. Second of all, I promised Katty that I’d be better than her at everything.” 

“Pretty sure that I made Zuzu the same promise.” Azula flicks her bangs. She fills in one last answer on her worksheet and puts it away.

“Done already?” Jet asks.

“Did you expect anything less?” Mai asks. “How long have you been sitting with us now?”

“Much longer than any of us can tolerate.” Azula mutters, drawing a cheerful laugh from TyLee. 

“And here I was going to share my cookie with you.” He shuffles around in his paper bag and fishes out an absurdly large chocolate chip cookie.

Azula holds her hand out. “I suppose that we can tolerate your presence a bit longer.” 

He chuckles and breaks the cookie in half. 

“What about the rest of us?” Yue asks.

“Yeah, you jackass!” Chan adds. 

Azula exhales, it is refreshing to be talking about things unrelated to relationships and homecoming dances, and other matters that remind of her of what’s to come. She tries to immerse herself in the conversation. Tries to remind herself to just think about the first astronomy club meeting.

.oOo.

“I bet that you can’t even work a child friendly telescope.” Yue drums her fingers on the table. 

“I’ve been stargazing longer than you have.” Katara counters. 

Azula finds herself a seat, next to Yue. She gives the room a once over. Other than Yue and Katara, she knows no one. She finds herself somewhat disappointed that Toph had only been jesting about joining the club. She supposes that she doesn’t mind some time to herself. The stars are supposed to be serene anyways. Serene and quiet and a steady constant when she needs some sort of stability. 

“You’re just mad because my daddy bought me the last StareScape model 10.” Yue declares. 

“Just because you have an overpriced telescope, doesn’t mean that you have the brains to use it.”

Azula rolls her eyes, she has an itch to inform Yue that it is a StarScope model 9, but she doesn’t fancy agreeing with the brother of her competition. She would rather observe the squabble than part-take. She isn’t quite in the mood for petty games these days, if she ever had been at all. 

The more she ponders it, the more she begins to consider that, perhaps, she is only with the in crowd because her family has money. That’s the only reason Zuko isn’t harassed. It’s the only reason that the girls flock to him, or so he claims. 

“Tell her, Azula!” Yue pulls her back into the present.”

Azula rolls her eyes. “Tell her what.” 

“That she’s not allowed to be here. No nerds in the astronomy club.”

“I’m fairly certain that the astronomy club was founded by a gaggle of nerds.”

“Whose side are you on?” Yue asks. 

“Whichever side has more brain cells at the time.” She shrugs. Sure the girl’s brother is competition, but at least the girl doesn’t make Azula feel like her IQ points are dwindling with every passing second spent in her company. Resentfully, she recalls that her IQ points are really the only advantages she has. “Besides, this is your age old rivalry. Not mine.”

“Thank you!” Katara throws her hands up. 

“Don’t get the wrong idea. You’re brother is a nuisance and I have a feeling that it runs in the family.” She folds her arms over her chest. She has to remind them every now and again, has to remind herself of why she has a higher place on the social ladder. She has to maintain it somehow. And since she can’t flash a gorgeous smile or flaunt an enticing body, she’d just have to settle for asserting her dominance and pick friends carefully. Not that she really particularly trusts anyone in these halls save for Mai and TyLee. 

Katara scowls but folds her arms with a ‘humph’.

If the banter were to continue it would have been cut short anyhow. Mr. Zhao appears in the room with a stack of books and star charts. She hopes to God that he is less humdrum and sour after school hours. “Where is Pathik?” Asks a boy from the other side of the room. “Usually principal Pathik runs the club.” 

“Pathik is busy with final back to school matters.” Zhao replied. “I will be filling in for him for the time being.”

“Hoo-ray.” Yue slouches in her chair, puffs out her cheeks, and blows at a strand of her hair. Azula can’t help but think that, somehow, that expression is still more attractive than whatever she has going on with her own face at any given moment. She grips her pencil more firmly. 

“I have a rather special announcement. Exciting news.” Zhao drawls. 

His monotonous demeanor certainly drove his words home.

“This year, we are offering a chance to visit the NIR&Ex...”

“Isn’t that a designer brand?” Yue asks.

“It’s the National Interstellar Research and Exploration Institute, you dolt.” Katara hisses. 

“As well as a chance to earn a scholarship to Laogai Lake University. Many astronomers have graduated from there like…” Zhao peers down at his paper. “Wan, Sozin, and Agni High’s own Yangchen.”

“Isn’t Sozin, like, your uncle or something? The one who always talks like a poetry book.” 

“He’s my great-grandfather, Yue. You’re thinking of Iroh.”

“I’m trying to hear this!” Katara shushes through gritted teeth. “Maybe your daddies can bribe you in, but I actually need this.”

Yue rolls her eyes. “Listen to that. I hear that she gets wears secondhand socks from her brother. That’s why they call him Sokka, because he keeps giving her his socks.”

“They call him Sokka because that’s. His Name.”

Azula pinches the bridge of her nose, she doesn’t know just how long she can tolerate this for. She came here for solace and at least a fraction of a moment of peace. 

“Sure it is…” Yue replies.

Azula groans softly before getting up and going to sit next to the boy on the other side of the room.