#and you know what fair enough everyone's entitled to their own emotional responses of course.

[shiryawashere]

you ever miss your comfort character so bad you gotta go outside about it

[shinpredicts]

Marriage - long post part 2

Here's post one about marriages.

Marriages are tough. Think twice before you get married. I know this from seeing many marriages go to divorce, doing many readings, etc.

Marriage doesn't become only a 2 people thing

Marriage often means that you are also having connections with your spouse's family. You will most likely have closer relations with them. Issues from your spouse's family's side can become yours too somehow. Their mother or father may have ideas about some things. Your spouse may be too filial and listen to their parents a lot, which leads you to get frustrated. You might need to live with their parents or your parents might live with you and your spouse. You might be obliged in some sense to look after your spouse's parents and your spouse might be obliged to look after your parents.

Marriage means legal responsibilities

Once you are married, in many countries, you will have legal responsibilities to your spouse. They can be entitled to half of your assets upon separation or divorce. They can be entitled to spousal support upon separation or divorce. You can also share in their debt, depending on where you live and their laws.

You can have more rights as well in a marriage upon separation, depending on the laws of where you live.

It can take a long time for you to divorce depending on where you live. From my knowledge, some European countries make it so that it is quite hard to get divorced once you are married like you have to separate at least 2 - 5 years or something with other steps. In some places you'll need the consent of your other spouse in order to get divorced and if not then you go to court to show that they've done some wrong like cheated on you.

In many countries, cheating on someone is no longer a legal and valid reason to grant a divorce. Usually separating for a certain period is enough.

Marriage means financial responsibilities

You're probably going to have at least 1 joint account with your spouse. If it's like some credit card account or a line of credit account or a mortgage, that means you are legally liable for half of the debt of that joint account. Your spouse could overspend and the bank would still come after you. Of course the law probably has some ways of ensuring that you can sue your spouse they recklessly spend stuff but that's a hassle.

You will probably be sharing some the expenses together like rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc. How do you decide what's fair between you and your spouse? Well that's up to you to decide. These are conversations that a lot of people don't really have until they marry because a lot of people don't live together pre-marriage. Due to lack of communication on this end, there will probably be fights among newly married couples as to who should pay for this and that.

What about that house or property or car you owned before marriage? Does that now mean your spouse can split the growth in the value of whatever you owned pre-marriage when you two separate? Isn't that unfair because you poured all your life money into that condo and your spouse didn't contribute anything to it and they get to split it with you??? Well, you'll have to see where the law lands for this. It depends on the country that you're in. Some countries say you can exclude property that you had pre-marriage completely. Some countries say no, you get some deduction but if it still exists at date of separation, then your spouse gets to share in the growth of the value of the property.

Marriage can lead to other challenges

Because you are no longer by yourself and you are with a spouse, your career will need to involve your spouse's input/discussion etc. You may have a great job opportunity or promotion but that's in another country or another state. You don't want to be separated from your spouse or maybe your spouse's career is doing great here and isn't the type that can easily move elsewhere. Will you give up this career advancement or will you make your spouse move with you so that you can pursue your dream while your spouse needs to give up theirs in a way?

Most marriages involve the spouses living in one home. A lot of people don't live together before marrying and that also runs into some problems upon marriage. Dating involved not living together.

Living together means you have different lifestyle habits. One spouse might be an earlier riser, while the other needs to sleep till like 10 am. One spouse might like sleeping earlier while the other sleeps at like 1 am. One spouse might have a certain way to squeeze their toothpaste that drives the other nuts. Everyone has different habits and quirks. The married couple needs to somehow find a way to work out those habits.

What about household chores? Who will be doing them? Do you like how someone washes those dishes? So many questions that you have to answer during marriage.

Marriage gets even more complicated when you have children

When you have children during marriage, that means there can be more complications in the marriage. Having children means more responsibilities on the parties. You now have other people that you have to look after and you have to somehow divide the responsibilities so that you both feel that it's fair.

People have different parenting styles too, which are often influenced by how their parents were to them. Some might believe in tough love. Others are more relaxed with the children and don't like lecturing them.

Spouses might have different expectations for the children too. Some might agree this school is better for them. Others might feel like they should learn the piano, not French or Korean. The other might think it's important they do hockey or karate or baseball. Some might want the kids to have As and the others think as long as they pass it's fine.

Some spouses don't want to be parents. They're not ready yet to be parents or they really just don't want kids. You and your spouse need to have the "kids" chat sometime probably before getting married. If you want kids and they don't, then that's going to be a problem. If you force them to have kids and then expect them to somehow magically adore kids after the kids are there, then that's just wishful thinking. It's very hard to change someone. Think twice before you have kids because once you pop them out, there is no refund. The kids are living, human beings with emotions and thoughts. They are not like clothes that can be refunded or exchanged.

Here's part 3!

[the-knight-of-the-stars]

Mal and Ben: The problems on D2

I haven't seen anyone talk about this closely so I'm bringing it up.

Why on earth does D2 frame Mal as the victim when Uma shows up at cotillion when like... Ben has every right to invite another girl.

I mean, the love spell aside. If he really invited Uma to cotillion why is Mal fucking crying and being "ohh poor her, she is so upset". What is she upset about?? Why is she and everyone else acting like Ben cheat on her??

Did you all forget she abandoned him after ONE discussion in which, by the way, she tried to spell Ben? And then broke up with him and made it very clear she wanted that and it was the best for everyone.

Let's take a close look at this. I´ll try to keep my mind open. Hold yourselves guys, this may be a little long. 

Ben and Mal's relationship seems... Problematic at the beginning of D2. They have a communication issue, Ben is busy and stressed but he never shows it to Mal, he always wants to be the perfect prince for her. Mal is constantly lying to him and hiding things from him, changing herself to "fit" with what she thinks Ben wants.

Is clear that Mal has many trusting and self-esteem problems (I think some therapy would do her good). Also, she has a problem with the use of magic, it has become a bad habit, and no matter what everyone says to her, she ignores them and victimizes herself. Her behavior is even a little self-destructive, and towards Ben, is really toxic. 

Ben is seen trying his best to make her feel comfortable, and yes, him being busy all the time and not very open to her either doesn't help Mal's problems. But here is the thing, the movie, constantly frames their situation as it was only Ben's job to make an effort, but is it really? I feel like the movie wants us to think Ben should have known what Mal was feeling, that he should have been there paying her attention.

And I don't think that's fair. He is still a teenager, and not an ordinary one, he already has a whole kingdom on his hands, an entire nation that depends on him. His duty is with Auradon first. And still, he tries his best to spend time with Mal, to visit her between classes, to be available to her. And even if his only occupation was being Mal's boyfriend, I believe is unfair to expect him to just know what Mal feels. 

People who had emotionally unavailable parents growing up, people inexperienced in healthy communication, people under a lot of stress, people with depression, people with PTSD, with ADHD, neurodivergent people, even people who had a bad day, or is sleepy, all these people are many times unable to understand indirect signals from people around them, that doesn't make them bad people, or bad parents, bad siblings, bad partners. 

That is why good communication is so important in a relationship. We cant expect Ben to just know, when Mal has been lying to him for weeks, and possibly (we´ll get to that) spelling him to not remember.

This is when we get to their first fight... and oh boy. 

They are sharing a nice moment, Ben even mentions that he misses spending time with her. He compliments her for making all that food. And then he finds the spellbook, and he is not even angry. He is disappointed because he didn't just find out she used magic to make the picnic, he just finds out she has been lying to him for gods know how long. 

And then... Mal tries to spell him. 

I cannot express enough how wrong that was. How messed up that was. This not only shows us how Mal is unable to take responsibility and face any kind of consequence for her actions, but this also shows truly abusive behavior towards Ben. She is erasing his memories and only leaving the ones she wants him to remember, that is manipulation, which is basically magical gaslighting. 

Imagine if Ben after that fight decided he didn't want to date Mal anymore, but now he can't, because she erased his memories, she went against his wishes and left him unable to walk away from her. It removes his free will and is a violation of his freedom. It's very worrying that she knew that spell by memory and didn't even think before start casting it the second Ben showed any emotion aside of the “happy nice boyfriend” she wants. 

It's still debatable whether Mal had spell him before in similar situations or not because we don't have enough information to confirm it. But the isolated incident is very abusive on its own, even if she never actually spell him. 

And what makes it worst is that she doesn't apologize, the next thing she says is “Ben, it's been so hard for me”. She is taking the blame out of her again, justifying her actions. And I think that is one of the worst parts, she doesn't think what she did is wrong, she thinks she had to do it. 

This is when we get to Ben very rightfully being angry for the first time in the movies. Let me make it clear: He says for the first time what he really feels and it turns against him. Mal then finally tells him why she did all that and admits that she has been faking it all, again, without taking any guilt on this whole situation. 

Ben tries to keep talking about the matter but Mal refuses. Then she runs away because she “Doesn't belong there”. She doesn't tell Ben, doesn't even bother breaking up with him, she just leaves. And we once again see Ben excusing Mal's abusive behavior.

When Evie goes to tell Ben that Mal went back to the Island he is the one who assumes all the blame, saying it was all his fault, that he should have been more understanding of her, and he acted “like a beast”. Now, here is our prove that Ben is also dealing with some serious self-esteem problems, he doesn't express his feelings, and the first time he does, he thinks he wasn't entitled to feel them, he feels he was ”a beast” just because he showed anger. He doesn't know how to show his emotions in a healthy way. 

The way Ben feels like he was to be perfect and the “ideal good person” all the time really worries me. Is like he is afraid all the time to hurt the feelings of others. And the way he specifically uses the word Beast as something negative that he doesn't want to be, and the way he backs in fear when his father loses his temper in the first movie, really makes you think about the way he was raised. 

Many people have pointed out that Ben and his family show signs of domestic violence and I couldn't agree more. Is very telling the way he excuses everything Mal does and bearly disagrees with her. We have seen how his father gaslights him, and if he is used to that type of treatment, of course, he cant see how wrong it is what Mal does.

Despite Mal giving up on their relationship, Ben still tries to talk to her, putting himself in danger (yes, as King is very dangerous for him to go to the isle without protection) to work out their problems and apologize to Mal. The first thing he says is “I'm so sorry about our fight, it was all my fault” He takes full responsibility for the discussion, no question asked. 

When Mal says she doesn't think she can change, Ben says that then he is the one who will change. I think it speaks for itself, Mal isn't willing to bend her agenda for him, but he is.

Mal refuses to come back, refuses to try to solve their problems no once, but at least three times during this conversation. Just to end it with Ben asking if she loves him, and she doesn't answer, she instead says this is what is best for everyone and asks Ben to go three times.

So big shock, he does. 

He gets the message, and he decides to come back to Auradon, where, by the way, he is needed. And he gets kidnaped and then Mal has to rescue him. When they meet again after, coming back to Auradon in the car, Ben apologizes AGAIN because “things didn't go the way Mal wanted” like, this is getting ridiculous, what is he apologizing for this time??

So, let's see. Mal lies to him for weeks, when she gets caught she tries to spell Ben and doesn't take any responsibility, abandons him and then repeatedly tells him that she wants to end things and that she is not willing to try to resolve things. 

So Ben accepts, and when he decides to bring another girl to cotillion Mal is suddenly surprised, and hurt, and upset???

Like, does she want him to move on or not? Is not even like she is worried about him going out with Uma, someone who captures him, she is upset because HOW DOES HE DARE GO BACK TO THE ISLE TO GET SOMEONE HE CARES ABOUT (You didn't care when you were the one he went to get hhum Mal?).

It pains me how much Mal can't stand to look at Ben being happy with someone. The whole damn movie she told him to stay away, she told him that she wanted what was best for him. So why now, in front of everyone, SHE is the one playing victim? Why is she acting like Ben is the one who broke her heart, the one who gave up on her??

She broke up with him, she abandoned him, she refused to talk to him, she told him to get away, and NOW she wants him to be understanding and forgiving??

And when the fucking painted glass shit is revealed she realizes he loved the real her?? Because he put her green eyes and purple hair on a painting? Not because he put his life in danger for her, not because he told her he was willing to change for her?

She wants him to love her “as she really is”. Why doesn't SHE love him like he really is?? She walked away from him the second he wasn't perfect, but she can make all the mistakes in the world and should just... be forgiven?

No, sorry, I´m not buying that. And I certainly don't want them to marry.

[obeyme-kaidii-writes]

Alright, this combination spoke to me. I personally am struggling to pick between Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, and Diavolo as my favorite, I love all of them. So Poly with the four, but with the angst prompt of "I don't know how much longer I can endure this." in response to the tortures of not being able to choose. Up to interpretation, but this resonated with me.

I may have gotten a teensy tiny bit carried away with this one. But I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope you enjoy it too!

Complicated

Diavolo / Lucifer / Satan / Beel x poly gn!MC

Words - 5330

Content warnings - some angst, lots of comfort and fluff, polyamorous relationship w/MC (no demon x demon relationships)

Prompt/Inspiration - anon request, “I don’t know how much longer I can endure this.”

Summary - You had managed to fall in love with not one, not two, but FOUR demons - and now you had to figure out what came next.

AO3

Complicated.

There really wasn’t another way to describe the current state of your life.

Beel was the first one to really take an interest in you. A genuine interest. You fell in love hard and fast. Perhaps it was the guilt over not being able to reveal what you knew about Belphegor’s situation, but you didn’t feel comfortable making your feelings for him known. It just seemed like something that would burden him, and you really didn’t want to risk losing the one friend you felt the most safe with while you were all alone in this new realm.

As your year progressed, the situation with Belphegor was finally resolved. But still, you hesitated to say anything. You knew how close he was to Belphie, and you convinced yourself that it would be best if you didn’t do anything that would come between them. It was obvious even to your own heart that you were just making excuses for yourself, too scared to take a step forward.

It was then you started growing closer to Lucifer. Your initial relationship with him had been...strained...to say the least. But after he realized the lengths you were willing to go to in order to help his brothers, he couldn’t help but fall in love with you. You had an inner strength that he honestly admired, though he would probably never admit that to you. And he enjoyed your company immensely, even if it was just having you nearby while he worked. Everything just seemed easier with you around, even Mammon’s shenanigans didn’t stress him out quite like they used to anymore. And you enjoyed his company as well - he was a source of stability for you in the chaos of the House of Lamentation. You would often take refuge in his study with him to recharge after a day of playing referee for the other overgrown children you had as housemates.

You had also managed to catch Satan’s eye, particularly after the whole dating sim fiasco with Levi. He liked the fact that you saw him as an individual - you never compared him to Lucifer, nor did you ever try to force the issue about them getting along. You just let Satan be...Satan. And he loved spending time with you reading together. It was like the two of you had your own private book club; he was always ready with a book recommendation for you.

It was Satan that had actually approached you first about the possibility of being in a relationship. You were surprised to hear that he had had such a strong interest in you, since he was always so reserved most of the time. Your initial reaction was of course to want to say yes, but the fact that Beel, and Lucifer especially, still held pieces of your heart made you feel incredibly guilty. You didn’t even have to ask to know that Lucifer was the absolute last person he’d ever be ok with sharing your affections with, even if you could get him to consider a polyamorous relationship.

So, you instead asked Satan for time. And he agreed to give you some space to think things over. You knew it was unfair to him to expect him to wait...but you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him “no”. You didn’t want to tell him “no”, after all. It was just the only option you felt was available to you.

Hoping to avoid Satan, and delay the inevitable, you started spending more time with Barbatos at the Demon Lord’s Castle. He taught you all about Devildom teas, and showed you how to bake some of Diavolo’s favorite treats. And Diavolo was more than happy to sample everything you tried your hand at preparing.

At some point, you had just started dropping by even when Barbatos was busy, just to chat with Diavolo and he was always glad to see you. He’d ask you about your life in the human realm, and you’d ask him about life in the Devildom. You probably learned more about Devildom history and lore from these conversations than you ever did in class at RAD; and you eagerly soaked it all up, hanging on Diavolo’s every word, absolutely enchanted with his storytelling ability and his life experiences that spanned several millennia.

Unlike with Beel, or even Lucifer, you didn’t realize when you had started falling for Diavolo, or Dia as he asked you to call him now. One day you had just tried to stop by, only to learn that he was still stuck at RAD, working with Lucifer. And you were absolutely devastated. It shocked you honestly at just how upset you had gotten over the loss of one simple visit. But as soon as you felt that familiar ache in your heart you knew exactly what was going on.

It was the same thing that you had been trying to avoid dealing with with Lucifer and his brothers. And you had somehow managed to get tangled up in again. Only this time things were far more complicated than family relationships between brothers. There was just no way you’d be allowed to enter into a relationship with Lord Diavolo, crown prince of the Devildom. That is if he was even interested in you in that way, which you highly doubted. Why would he be? You were just a simple human. You didn’t have any great experience or insight to offer, your education wasn’t even that exemplary. There was nothing about you that you felt entitled you to ever expect to be more than just friends with the Prince, and you were lucky he even humored your attempts at friendship.

You weren’t sure how, but you did manage to make it home that afternoon and crawled into bed. The tears just started on their own, and you were powerless to stop them. You had fought them off for far too long at this point, your body simply decided it had enough repressing those emotions and they all came pouring out. How much longer would you be able to endure this? You honestly didn’t think there was much more your heart could take, and you had no one to blame but yourself.

————

When Beel dropped by to remind you of dinner, you pretended to sleep and choked back your sobs until he went away. When Lucifer stopped by to check on you, you told him you were busy with schoolwork. And when Satan asked if you would like to come over to his room to read, you said you weren’t feeling well.

You thought you had managed to throw everyone off the scent. But when Diavolo popped in to apologize for not being there when you had tried to visit him earlier, everything quickly started to unravel.

You opened your bedroom door, completely shocked to see Dia and Lucifer on the other side. He had never come by before just to see you. Maybe a few times to check on Lucifer, but he usually would send Barbatos to run any important errands or to issue any invitations. Seeing him before you now, you immediately became aware of how awful you must have looked. Your eyes still red, your hair a mess, your uniform all disheveled since you hadn’t bothered to change when you got home.

As you stood there, opening and closing your mouth, struggling to string together a single coherent thought, the unthinkable happened - Beel walked by on his way to the kitchen, Satan not far behind him, and they both turned to look your way as they walked past your door. Your eyes flicked from Beel to Satan to Lucifer to Dia and you instinctively tried to slam your door shut to escape, but Lucifer caught it before you could.

“Is there something the matter?” he asked.

And of course, once again, your body decided it had just had enough of containing your repressed emotions and let your tears flow freely. This was it, you thought. You were going to be forced to face what you had been trying to avoid and that would just be the end of it all. Since you had refused to make a choice on your own, your choice was about to be made for you and you were going to end up with absolutely nothing as a result.

—————

It took awhile for you to calm down. Beel was sitting next to you on the edge of your bed with his arm wrapped protectively around your shoulders. Satan was standing nearby, holding a glass of water for you. You thanked him quietly for his thoughtfulness, and slowly sipped the chilled water, trying to buy yourself some time before you would start being forced to answer questions. And Lucifer and Dia were sitting across from you in two plush, wingback chairs that they had dragged away from the wall.

Everyone silently waiting for you.

“I’m...sorry…” you finally mumbled out. Beel gave you a reassuring squeeze, and Satan sat down beside you, taking your free hand. What you wouldn’t have given to be able to freeze time and just continue living in that perfect little moment surrounded by your favorite demons. But this was reality. And it was about time you faced that.

“It’s ok, but what are you apologizing for?” Satan asked.

“I umm…” your lip started trembling and you took a deep breath to try to calm yourself. There wasn’t any way to run from this, not this time.

“Take your time,” Beel reassured you, rubbing your arm.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you guys, especially you Satan. I know that wasn’t fair.” You felt him tense up beside you, no doubt expecting the reason for your avoidance to have been due to the fact you were planning on rejecting him. But he didn’t let go of your hand either, which only made you feel more guilty.

“It’s just...I can’t...I can’t choose…” you started to fidget nervously in your seat.

Lucifer seemed to have caught on quicker than the rest, “You mean to say you have feelings for more than one of us?” You meekly nodded, keeping your head down and your eyes glued to the floor. You had absolutely no desire to see the expressions on everyone’s faces as they exchanged looks with one another.

By this point Dia was getting a bit uncomfortable. This didn’t seem like the sort of conversation he should be part of - it was between Lucifer and his brothers after all. Even though he treasured you greatly, he had never made those feelings known to you nor had you ever expressed more than friendly interest in him, so it didn’t even occur to him that he might also be involved.

“I think I’ll go ahead and head out so…”

“No..!” you called out, looking Dia right in the eye, desperate for him to stay. You were surprised at your own reaction, but you couldn’t let him leave without knowing how you felt. The only thing that would hurt worse than him knowing your feelings and rejecting you, was if he thought you didn’t care for him at all and preferred someone else to him. And you couldn’t let that happen. You at least wanted a chance to keep him as your friend.

“I...ummm…you’re part of...this…” you mumbled out as your eyes fell to the ground again.

Diavolo was caught completely off guard with your confession, a deep blush spreading across his cheeks. As was Lucifer, who for the most part had been unaware that you had been spending enough time with the Prince to have any sort of relationship.

The silence that followed was killing you. It felt so oppressive. All you could do was wait for someone else to decide to speak. You couldn’t understand why Beel was still holding you so gently, or why Satan hadn’t moved from his spot next to you, your hand still wrapped in his. It was only a matter of time, you thought, before they’d all leave one by one and you’d find yourself alone. Part of you wanted them to hurry up and go so you could wallow in your own self pity, because the other part of you wanted them all to stay and tell you how much they all loved you, and you knew that was never going to happen.

“Can I speak with them? Alone?”

“Lord Diavolo…” Lucifer had started to object, but quickly stopped himself. He could use this time to talk to Satan and Beel, and it seemed they had a lot to talk about, “Alright, we will be in my study. Let us know when you’re finished.”

Satan, who had been staring at you this whole time, glared at Lucifer for assuming he’d just go along with his suggestion. But even he could see the tender look in his eyes as he gazed at you. There was no doubt Lucifer cared for you immensely, and seeing as this was for your benefit, Satan decided to comply, giving your hand one final squeeze before making his way out of your room.

Beel was having a more difficult time letting you go. He could practically feel how upset you were, and didn’t want to leave you alone. But after looking at Lucifer and Lord Diavolo, he finally accepted that it would be alright to leave you be for just a few moments. So, giving you one last hug and a kiss to the top of your head, he followed after Satan, with Lucifer not far behind.

Now alone with you, Dia dragged his chair closer to your bed so that he was sitting right in front of you, knees nearly touching. He took the now empty glass from you and set it down on the bedside table before taking both of your hands in his own.

“This has been bothering you for some time, hasn’t it?”

“...yeah…”

“Is this why you started spending so much time at the castle?”

“Sorta. I asked Barbatos to help me learn more about Devildom baking so I could avoid everyone else,” you gave a self deprecating laugh, “But then I started spending time with you….and...well then that started to be the reason I came…”

“So you really enjoyed our time together?”

“Of course!” you replied, raising your head to meet Diavolo’s gaze. He was much closer than you were expecting, and you flushed in embarrassment. He chuckled at your reaction. You were just so cute when you got flustered, he had a hard time resisting the urge to tease you, but he’d have to save that for later.

“Then why were you so upset?”

“Because...I...realized it didn’t matter.”

“Didn’t matter? Why would you think that?”

“Because...I’m...I'm just me. A simple human. And you’re you. And I should just be happy you even put up with me or talk to me at all. And even if I told you how I felt, it wouldn’t change how I feel about them and it just didn’t seem fair to have to choose, not after Satan already confessed to me. And I know Lucifer hasn’t said anything yet, but I can tell the way he looks at me. And there is no way Satan would ever be ok with me having any sort of relationship with Lucifer. And Beel is like my best friend and I’m sure if I say anything it would just upset Belphie and I don’t want to hurt him or make Beel think he has to choose…”

You snapped your mouth shut, realizing what you had just done. You had just unloaded everything, all the secrets and worries that had plagued your heart for the past several months, you had shared it all. To say you were mortified right now would be an understatement. You truly wished the ground would just swallow you up. You’d wish for death if you thought it would make a difference, but with your luck you’d just end up right back in the Devildom.

“So what I’m hearing is you’re too busy worrying about how everyone else feels to worry about yourself?”

You nodded your head, averting your eyes.

“What do you want then?”

“...it’s selfish…”

“Then be selfish. We’re demons after all.”

“Wha…?” you looked up at Dia again and he was gazing at you softly, a small smile on his lips as he encouraged you. Was it really ok for you to just ask for that ? Would they really not hate you if you did? It didn’t seem possible for you to get everything you’d want, how could you be that lucky? Surely if you said anything, then you’d lose everything, right?

At least that’s what your human conscience was telling you.

But here sat Lord Diavolo, future king of the Devildom, telling you that it was ok to ask for whatever you wanted, in a way that suggested you just might be granted it. And you wanted so badly to believe that that would be true.

“Go on, love, tell me what you want to do.”

————

Lucifer took a seat at his desk, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of himself. Finding out that you had a close relationship with Diavolo had come as a huge surprise. He had suspected that Satan had taken a liking to you, and he wasn’t at all surprised to discover that Beel was fond of you as well. But Diavolo? He wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“I assume you wanted to talk to us. So what is it?” asked Satan. He was agitated. He didn’t like the idea of leaving you alone with Lord Diavolo, especially not after it seemed that you may actually reciprocate his own feelings. But since, it appeared, he wasn’t the only one in your heart, he had to put your best interest first. And in this case that included letting you speak with Lord Diavolo while he discussed things with his brothers.

“Obviously.”

“Well?”

“First, I want to hear what your thoughts are on this matter. It’s clear that Satan has feelings for them, but what about you Beel? You’ve been quiet this whole time.”

Satan and Lucifer both turned to look at Beel who was seated in one of the large chairs near the fireplace. He raised his head to look at his brothers, before sighing and sitting back in his seat. He knew how much they cared for you. He had even started to realize when Lord Diavolo had begun to take an interest in you as even his casual interactions became more friendly. And he had decided that he was going to keep his own feelings to himself, not wanting to interfere in his brothers’ happiness. Never once had it occurred to him that he may have been causing you to suffer as a result.

“I love them,” he replied, a soft blush spreading across his cheeks. Of course he loved you. How could he not? You were just so bright in his eyes, and you brought so much hope with you. When you had told him that you wanted to help Lucifer and Belphie makeup when you had first arrived, he didn’t doubt you for a second. Even though he barely knew you at the time, he just had this feeling you’d make it happen. And the closer the two of you grew, the more deeply he trusted you, the stronger his love for you became, the more he wanted to protect you and your happiness.

“Then I suppose that makes three of us,” Lucifer said, clearing his throat.

“So? What are you suggesting we do?” asked Satan.

“That depends on them, of course. But it seems the primary reason for their struggle is because they feel unable to choose between us.”

“I already confessed directly, have you?” Satan asked, staring Lucifer down.

“I have not, and I don’t believe Beel has either,” Beel shook his head in agreement, “I think that’s irrelevant though based on the conversation we just had in their bedroom.”

Satan scoffed, walking to the other end of the room to put some distance between himself and Lucifer. Of course his brother was right. It didn’t really matter who said what first, or even who you fell in love with first. All that mattered was what you wanted. And right now, he wasn’t sure what you wanted at all.

He had to admit it did sting a little when he realized you weren’t interested in him alone. Particularly since Lucifer was one of the other parties involved. The idea of being in any sort of romantic relationship which also involved Lucifer just made his skin crawl. But despite that, the idea of losing you entirely was even more painful.

“I believe we need to decide what we would like to do if they express an interest in maintaining a relationship with all three...four...of us. Would either of you have any objections to that?”

Beel immediately shook his head. He didn’t have any issues with a polyamorous relationship, not if that’s what you wanted. He just wanted to see you happy, and he knew it would make him feel better if you were with someone else who loved you just as much as he did when he couldn’t be there. The only other concern that crossed his mind was how Belphie would react, but he knew that Belphie adored you too in his own way, and you enjoyed his company as well. So there really wasn’t any reason for Beel to say “no”.

“Satan?”

“No objections, so long as we get private time with them too.”

“Then it seems we are all agreed. We will wait to see what they decide.”

————

You wrapped your arms around Dia’s neck as he lifted you up effortlessly and spun you around, the both of you laughing. He was so glad to hear what you desired, and more than happy to do what he could to make that wish come true. You hardly asked for anything for yourself, something he found absolutely charming, but now that you confessed to him that you wanted to be his? He’d give you the whole Devildom if you asked for it. Maybe even if you didn’t.

You hid your face in his neck as you hugged him close. You were pretty sure you must be dreaming at this point, but you didn’t care. You were going to make the most of this dream for as long as it lasted. You still had the other 3 of your beloved demons to talk to, but having Dia on your side made that not seem nearly as scary now. He had given you permission to be yourself, and he didn’t shame you for it, or guilt you into changing your mind. He just listened, and accepted you with open arms.

“I want to suggest we make a break for it, and run off together, but I think Lucifer and his brothers are waiting for us.”

You pulled back to look Dia in the eyes, and smiled at him. He was even more handsome up close, and you couldn’t help but run your fingers through his hair before resting your forehead against his. You wanted to savor this moment for just a little while longer. After you left your room, there was going to be a whole host of things to discuss and negotiate. It might honestly be awhile before you’d get to have some alone time like this with him again, but you knew he was worth it. They all were. You’d figure things out one way or another, of that you were certain.

“Alright, I guess I’ve put this off long enough.”

“I probably shouldn’t carry you into Lucifer’s study, should I?”

“Probably not,” you laughed.

Diavolo set you down gently, only releasing you from his arms when he was sure you were steady on your feet. He pressed a tender kiss to your forehead before offering you his hand, and entwining his fingers with yours. He beamed at you, when he caught you staring at your joined hands, lifting them up to kiss the back of the one he was holding. You blushed at the gesture, but couldn’t help but smile when your eyes met his.

“Shall we?” he asked, leading you to your bedroom door.

————

You peered sheepishly around the corner of Lucifer’s study door before entering the room, Diavolo slightly behind you, with one hand gently resting on your lower back to encourage you. As your eyes scanned the room, Lucifer, Satan, and Beel all turned to face you, various expressions of anxiety and excitement written on their faces. You turned back to look at Dia, and he just smiled and nodded at you, guiding you inside.

“Hey…” was all you managed to squeak out.

Not wasting a moment, Beel rose to his feet and wrapped his arms about your shoulders, pulling you to his chest. He kissed the top of your head, before resting his cheek against you.

“I love you,” he whispered, “and I’m fine with whatever you want to do.” You clutched at his shirt in return, relief washing over you. He didn’t ask you any questions, he didn’t pressure you to make a choice. He just supported you like he always did, the same support you gave him. You took a deep breath, breathing in his scent, before slowly pulling away so you could see his face. He smiled at you softly, and you just felt your heart melt. How could a demon possibly be this cute? you wondered.

“I love you too,” you replied, making his smile broaden. You hadn’t said it to him yet, and hearing those words in your voice made him want to jump for joy. Caught up in the moment, you briefly forgot about the others in the room with you, until Lucifer cleared his throat. You blushed heavily when you realized you were being watched, and you could hear Dia chuckling behind you.

Beel let you go, but immediately grabbed your hand and brought you to the chair he had been sitting in earlier. You took your seat, starting to feel a bit nervous again when he stepped back, even if it only was so Lucifer and Satan could have a chance to speak with you.

They were probably the two you were most anxious about speaking with. Their relationship was complicated enough as it was, you weren’t even sure they’d want to stick you in the middle of it.

“We’ll be outside if you need us,” Dia said, more to you than anyone else, as he offered you a smile. Beel nodded to you as well, before slipping out after Diavolo to give you some privacy with Lucifer and Satan.

Lucifer nudged the coffee table over so that it was positioned in such a way that both he and Satan could sit side by side in front of you. Even after he took a seat though, Satan remained a little ways away, silent and watching. Part of Lucifer wanted to chastise him for being stubborn and troublesome, but then he remembered that Satan was the only one to openly confess to you, and as such, probably had a lot more to discuss with you, preferably in private.

“I’ll keep this brief for now,” Lucifer began, returning his attention to you and holding the hand nearest him, “But I too, love you, deeply. And I hope you will accept me. I’m willing to do whatever is needed to insure your happiness.”

You had not been expecting such an open and forward declaration of love from Lucifer, of all demons, but you could see the unbridled passion in his eyes as he looked at you and waited for your reply. All you could do was nod your head, which made Lucifer smirk, pleased that he had rendered you speechless. He leaned forward, kissing you tenderly on the lips. It was only the briefest of touches, but it contained a promise of more that made your heart race.

“We will talk more later,” he said, as he gave you one final kiss to your forehead, turning to look at Satan before he left the room.

Satan kept his eyes trained on the door to Lucifer’s study until he heard the tell-tale “click” signifying it had been locked. He then sighed, his shoulders relaxing, as he turned to face you. His mask, the carefully crafted one he often hid behind in his attempt to control his emotions, crumbled away and you could see just how exhausted he appeared. Your heart ached knowing that you were to blame for that. He had been waiting for your response to his confession for several weeks now, and you had always managed to avoid answering him.

You knew you needed to apologize to him, before anything else, so you stood up and hesitantly moved to stand before him. Fortunately for Satan, even with as close as you were, you were unable to hear the way his heart thudded rapidly against his chest. Or if you did, you didn’t mention it. Instead, you simply reached out for his hands and held them tightly, rubbing your thumbs along his knuckles.

“I’m sorry, Satan. I was...I was scared. And I acted childishly and selfishly. I should have spoken to you…”

Your apology was cut short when you suddenly felt his lips crash into yours. Taking advantage of your surprise, he wrapped one arm around your waist, pulling you close, and with the other he gently cradled your head, holding you in place. It took a moment for your brain to catch up with what was happening, but once you finally realized you quickly looped your arms around Satan’s neck and deepened the kiss. You could feel him smiling against your lips when you did so, happy tears starting to spill from your eyes.

“I love you,” you whispered, when you finally broke away for air, “I’m sorry for not talking to you.”

Satan rested his forehead against yours, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of your neck, “I guess you’ll have to make it up to me,” he teased.

“I guess so,” you laughed, before pulling back to look him in the eyes, “Are you sure you’re ok with this? With Lucifer and everyone I mean.”

“I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t prefer to have you all to myself. But,” he paused, tucking a few stray hairs behind your ear, “but I’m willing to work with you, to try to find a compromise we can all be happy with.”

“Really?” you could feel your tears threatening to spill again as your heart started to overflow with joy.

“Really. Will you promise me something though?”

“Of course, anything,” you said, wiping at your eyes, trying to fight off your tears.

“That you will talk with me if things change. And that we will be able to spend time together, just the two of us.”

Your vision blurred with tears, unable to hold them back any longer, “I promise. I’ll talk to you. About everything.”

“Good,” he whispered, gently kissing away your tears as they slid down your cheeks. You couldn’t stop smiling now if you even were to try. You threw your arms around his neck and hugged him as tight as you could manage, hoping to convey even a fraction of your happiness to him. When you felt him hug you back tightly, arms wrapped around your waist, you knew you had been successful.

Against all odds, and despite your fumbling attempts at dealing with your own emotions, you had managed to get everything you had wanted. Never in your wildest dreams could you have imagined things working out this way. Your arrival in the Devildom had been a lonely one. But you weren’t alone anymore. Not now, not ever.

[frostiifae]

Why do we hate Nintendo?

Today, organizers of the The Big House online tournament announced that they received a cease and desist order from Nintendo. 

What is Slippi?

Project Slippi is, essentially, an add-on to the existing Dolphin emulator for Gamecube games. Its purpose is to bring the features of modern online gaming to Super Smash Brothers Melee, a game which was released very nearly 20 years ago and is no longer in production, but remains a popular competitive game with an active scene. 

Slippi has been a godsend to the Melee community during the pandemic. It offers incredibly high-fidelity gameplay with random matchmaking and tournament support, and the developers have emphasized making the game experience itself as close to local play as possible. It’s been so successful that the Big House - a series of major annual tournaments that have been running for almost a decade - decided to host their 2020 tournament purely online using Slippi. 

Who care about Melee? Why aren’t they just playing Ultimate instead?

If you ask a Melee player, they will go on and on about the improved framerate, responsiveness, and other such technical advantages Melee has over Ultimate. I’m going to talk about something else instead. 

It’s culturally expected nowadays that when a new game in a franchise comes out, you stop playing the old game and play the new game instead. But if you apply this way of thinking to any other form of media it’s completely ridiculous. It’s like saying there’s no reason to watch documentaries from the 80s and 90s, because documentaries about the same subjects have been remade more recently. Media exists as a product of its time. It might contain valuable historical insight that remains precious to us for centuries to come. Or, it might just be better. Maybe the older documentaries are more informative, or maybe they’re more engaging to watch. Games work the same way; people will always have their preferences about which game in a series is their favorite, and choosing to play an older game you prefer - especially if you’ve got a lot of friends to play with you - isn’t at all an entitled thing to do. 

The problem with digital media is that having a movie or game by itself isn’t useful. Me owning a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is useless if I don’t also have a Sega Genesis to run it on - and that system is useless if I don’t have a working controller to use to interface with the game. Melee has been facing this problem for years now, as copies of Melee itself and Gamecube systems and controllers become more exclusive and more scarce. There aren’t new games or systems coming onto the market to replace what’s being lost - there are only a finite number left, and when the last one breaks, Melee will effectively cease to exist. 

Ok, well, that’s sad and all, but Slippi is an emulator, right? And emulating is illegal!

Emulating is legal... sort of. Emulation has hidden behind a vague phrasing of copyright law that suggests that, when you own a piece of digital media, you have the right to make copies of it for your own personal use - you just can’t distribute those copies. Owning an emulator, or the ROMs needed to play games on that emulator, isn’t strictly illegal... but distributing those things is. 

The idea here is, in theory, you could very thoroughly mod your Gamecube to connect to the Internet and play with modded firmware using Project Slippi. Modding isn’t illegal, so if you have your own GameCube and your own copy of Melee, which you purchased legitimately, then doing this is absolutely legal. And it probably is what people are doing! Definitely, probably. I’m sure it’s not as hard as I make it sound. Don’t worry about it!

Point is; distributing ROMs is what’s illegal, not playing them. The Big House isn’t distributing ROMs, so they’re not doing anything illegal. And Nintendo knows that; they took a different approach. Instead of claiming that using Project Slippi is against the law, they instead simply informed TBH that they don’t have permission to stream or host a tournament using their game. 

Obviously, Nintendo owns the rights to Melee, and that means they have the right to decide who is and isn’t allowed to stream their game and why. The Big House didn’t break the law, but that doesn’t mean they have the legal standing to challenge Nintendo’s order - let alone the financial resources or emotional stamina needed to get into a legal battle with a company of that size.

I don’t see the problem. Nintendo has the right to do this. Isn’t this what everybody does?

No.

Age of Empires 2 came out in September of ‘99, and it has remained a niche but thriving competitive RTS game over 20 years since then. Fans had to keep the game fresh on their own via modding in new map support and even new civilizations. 

In 2012, Microsoft decided that the game’s consistent support from its fans deserved an offering, and they decided to make an HD rerelease. That’s really cool of them! They also contacted the developers of one of the most popular fanmade expansions, Forgotten Empires, and worked it into an official expansion, called The Forgotten! AOE2 has continued to grow and thrive ever since, receiving enough attention to call for TWO MORE EXPANSION PACKS, and of course leading to the Definitive Edition release last year. Embracing fan support of their outdated product has given Microsoft the opportunity to make money off of something that should be long dead, and now it’s bigger and better than ever before. 

If you ask folks within the fighting game community, you’ll find this isn’t an isolated story - for example, Arcsystems notably once incoporated a fanmade mod that improved netplay into an official patch, lending official developer resources to the group to help them get the job done. When your fans care so much about a game you’ve made that they’ll put in the time and the effort to make that game better and more accessible for everyone, a lot of developers are happy to honor and embrace that effort, and in doing so, they stand a lot to benefit - their games get better, and they might even be able to make enough money back on those improvements to keep growing the game even further.

So if other developers aren’t doing this, why is Nintendo doing it? Simple: They don’t like the idea that people are playing old games. They want everyone playing the most recent offerings, no questions asked. To them, “rereleasing” Melee is out of the question; Smash Ultimate is the only “canonical” version of Smash. Don’t play anything else. Don’t try to buy anything else. This is the only game that exists. 

So what? I don’t care at all about Melee. Why does it matter that Nintendo wants people to stop playing a 20-year old game?

The short answer is because it sucks that Nintendo holds the rights to something they don’t care about and aren’t using, and that they’re using those rights to legally bully people who love their games and want to make them better and more accessible to other people. Regardless of how you feel about Melee or its community, it’s a simple fact that the people who are building Project Slippi and running tournaments love the game more than just about anybody else. For Nintendo to order a C&D against a passionate fan project is a bummer - but for them to do so in regards to a game that they’re not making anymore is downright unfair. They would rather protect their ability to maybe make more money on Melee later, than allow the existing scene to thrive in a way that does literally no harm to them.

Nintendo’s well-known and aggressive policy of shutting down fan-made projects and communities of all kinds has only one objective in mind: they want absolute control over everything that they’ve made. From a certain naive point of view, this is fair, right? But if you take this to its logical extreme, then that means Nintendo has the right to prohibit things like fanart or fanfiction, which doesn’t really seem that fair. Where should the line be drawn?

This is just another battle in a war that has been fought over the last 200 years regarding the idea of a “copyright”, and what gives a person the right to decide how other people will consume media they publish. It has never been about the rights of writers, musicians, or game developers - it has always been about publishing rights. Publishers want exclusive control over the things they publish, because holding exclusive control makes it much easier for them to make money from their products. 

We have a legal term for when a single entity has exclusive control over a commodity in high demand - that’s called a monopoly, and it is illegal. Monopolies pose a serious threat to consumers because they can price their goods however they like, extorting their consumerbase or simply making their product inaccessible except to an elite few, which isn’t considered fair. So if that’s the case, why aren’t video game publishers considered monopolies? It turns out some people in the past believed they should be, and publishing companies have been doing all sorts of legal acrobatics for years to avoid it. Free Culture makes for a good read on the subject, if you’ve got time. (Chapters 6 through 9 are particularly relevant to today’s issues with streaming games and music.)

A lot of people don’t seem to understand the damage that Nintendo’s ridiculous monopolizing practices have done to their own gaming community. It’s absurd of them to expect people to continue to pay for new releases of the same games on virtual console, not just once but every time a new generation of “virtual console” is released - and yet they keep doing it, and it’s just one of many ways they continually screw over their customers at a chance for a few more bucks, and somehow most of their audience thanks them for it. 

So what exactly do you want me to do?

Nintendo’s tried to suppress Melee tournaments in the past, but were forced to reverse their decisions following massive public outcry by the competitors and their fans. Regardless of how you feel about Melee in particular, what Nintendo is doing is scummy and actively malicious to the people that love their games, and the fact that they’re doing it again proves that they’re not interested in learning their lesson. Folks on twitter are using the tag #FreeMelee to protest; lending your voice for a tweet or two can only help. 

More generally, though, all we can really do is be critical of Nintendo’s games and actions, and to ask ourselves whether we’re really getting what we’re paying for. Nintendo will continue to take everything you offer them and will never be satisfied; they will do whatever they think they can get away with - and if their fans never challenge them, they’ll assume they can get away with anything, and that’s bad for everybody - but it’s worst of all for the people who ostensibly love and support Nintendo the most.

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Hiya. I've been noticing a large inequality in the amount of attention each 19 Days couple has been getting, specifically how the fandom seems to favour Tianshan over Zhanyi. I was wondering why you think this is, especially since Zhanyi is the more romantic couple and have been around a lot longer. Do you think there is any reason behind it in the narrative or do you think this speaks more to the fandom's nature?

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

I feel like I’m starting every answer with this lately but I’m sorry it took me a while to get to your question. Thank you for your patience! One of the reasons why I took my time answering this is that your question was a bit different from what I usually get. I feel like whenever one talks about Fandom Discourse™, it requires a different kind of thinking hat than analyzing the story and characters themselves.

Also, before I get into this further I think I should remind you that all of this is coming from someone who’s OTP is Tianshan. I always try to include objectivity and keep my biases in check in my answers, but Tianshan is my personal disposition. Just something to keep in mind when it comes to my thoughts regarding hot potato topics like this one.

The  fandom rhetoric and discourse of Tianshan vs. Zhanyi

I think a good place to start is to take a step back and look at the overall rhetoric and discourse of this conversation. The way we talk about something and the kinds of words we use play an essential role in how the topic, in general, is seen. Words carry our attitudes and have the power to tint the nature and tone of the conversation.

Your ask is a good example. Words like “inequality”, “favor X over Y”, “more romantic”, and “been around a lot longer” carry on the discourse - a way of talking about something - that I have seen around quite a lot. That it’s unfair Zhanyi doesn’t get at least an equal amount of attention compared to Tianshan. That they are the first couple - the main couple - but now they have been taking the backseat for quite a while both in the fandom and comic itself. They’re also the more “romantic” couple which usually translates into “healthier”, so surely they should be more popular.

Now, I don’t know if you chose to put things in that way because it reflects your personal thoughts on the matter or for some other reason. And I suppose it doesn’t really matter. This part isn’t meant to point fingers at anyone - yourself included, dear anon-san - but rather discuss the nature of the conversation in general.

I want to address this aspect because I think this kind of rhetoric carries some misconceptions and counterproductive attitudes. There is no rule anywhere that says the first couple A)is entitled to the most love and appreciation of the fans or B)is the only main couple/focus the story can have. This isn’t about unfairness, inequality, or readers somehow owing anything to the first couple. I think we have passed the point of thinking 19 Days only has one main couple a long time ago.

Also, when it comes to Tianshan vs. Zhanyi, people are quick to be evaluative. In other words, to think one is somehow better than the other based on their own personal tastes and, in Tianshan’s case, morality. Just because Zhanyi is more “romantic” doesn’t mean it should appeal to the readers more than Tianshan. They are two completely different dynamics that appeal to people differently. And just because the one deemed more controversial is also the popular one doesn’t have to mean the fandom is somehow problematic.

All that being said, though, I don’t blame the Zhanyi fans. I understand their frustration and where it stems from. As a Tianshan shipper, it’s easy for me to get on my high horse and just tell them to deal with the shift in focus in the comic and that the Zhanyi tag is quite dry compared to Tianshan. I get all of that and I feel for you guys. I just really don’t agree with the usual arguments about fairness, being there first, and owing something. I understand those are probably the most convenient arguments to grasp and take your frustration out on. But they’re not based on some truths or principles of fiction like some people seem to think they are.

Is Tianshan more popular among the fans than Zhanyi? If so, why?

It’s difficult to say which ship has the most fans. There aren’t any records of such things, and I believe many of us are fans of both. But based on my experience, I think it’s safe to say Tianshan is at least more active. Many content creators and readers love both Tianshan and Zhanyi but are just more active with Tianshan for some reason. And active content creators and consumers feed new creators and attract even more consumers. For example, whenever both of the couples are featured in a chapter, a lot more Tianshan art based on it flows through my feed than Zhanyi. (Even if I check the tags.) So yes, I think it’s not completely baseless to assume Tianshan is the more popular one out of the two.

As to why that is, I can only speak for myself and draw some very tentative general conclusions based on that.

I think it mostly comes down to Tianshan being the kind of dynamic and MGS and HT being the kinds of characters that often appeal to people and attract their interest. A pushy seme who is devilishly mischevious but also has a dangerous mental switch that - when turned on - excites the readers. Under the seemingly carefree surface, he hides a traumatic past which he doesn’t want to reveal to anyone because it makes him vulnerable. The only exception who is trusted to get close enough to the seme emotionally is a reluctant blushing tsundere uke who loudly claims not to care but who occasionally shows affection in unexpected ways. And the uke’s misunderstood delinquent background combined with his responsible nature and devotion to his family invites us to feel protective of him. Both characters are quite heavy on the “hard exterior, soft/vulnerable interior” type. I think many of those tropes are often featured and very popular in boys love (BL) stories one way or another. 

I also feel like Tianshan as a relationship is more active and dynamic which inspires its content creators and sparks discussions. Both HT and MGS are developing as their relationship keeps developing. And in return, the development of their relationship drives their character development, and round and round it goes. Of course, the same can be said about Zhanyi, but it’s just... less, you know? Smaller in scale and big parts of it are already done.

Compared to that, Zhanyi is more static. Admittedly, they have had less “screentime” than Tianshan, but I’m somewhat struggling to see drastic changes in ZZX and JY’s characters in the future. As a couple and respective characters, ZZX and JY are lightyears ahead of Tianshan (and HT and MGS). But that also means they have already gone through some of the significant emotional turning points. It seems JY’s pending kidnapping is the biggest ever-looming plot point for them for now. But then again we already know they seem to pick up where they left off even after that, so... Is their endgame comfortable domestic bliss and ZZX getting more and more used to their relationship? Whereas Tianshan will probably always carry the theme of right vs. wrong and what it’s like to learn to trust and open up?

I’m not saying either storyline is inherently better than the other because it comes down to everyone’s personal taste and interests. But I could see why Tianshan could attract more readers.

Personally, as much as I adore and root for Zhanyi, I’m more pulled towards Tianshan’s dynamic and MGS’s character. They’re more to my taste and where my interests usually tend to lie. As a content creator, they inspire me more. I feel like Tianshan, MGS, and HT have more complex layers for me to explore. But I’m also sure many Zhanyi shippers would argue otherwise.

So, the narrative of the story or the nature of the fandom? I think it’s a combination of both. And on top of that, it’s different for everyone, so one should be careful about making broad assumptions. One thing is for sure, though: it’s not somehow wrong to have preferences. You don’t have to feel obligated to like something or guilty about liking what you like. It’s unfortunate there’s been a lull in the Zhanyi story and neck of the fandom, but it’s not fair to take it out on the Tianshan fans. 19 Days’ fandom doesn’t have the burden of big ship wars, so please, let’s not create them for nothing. Both Tianshan and Zhanyi are obviously the endgame relationships, so there’s no reason to worry either of is going to be left behind. 

Thank you for your very interesting question, dear anon-san! I’ve been wanting to talk about this, actually, so I’m glad you gave me this nudge.

Also, I want to take this opportunity to wish a happy, healthy, safe, and successful new year to you dear anon-san, all my followers, and anyone reading this post!

[scrambledgegs]

Too Late the Hero

    It was Harvey Dent who uttered the famous lines, “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” A foreshadowing statement, as Dent later on personifies his very words when he goes on to become Two Face in the “The Dark Knight” Batman movies.

     This statement cannot be any truer, and we all can recount both real-life and fictional characters who easily represent this notion. The true-to-life “villains” we know of today may have actually started out as idealists, heroes, or savior-like archetypes that we used to looked up to – and looked past whatever side blemishes they also possessed in order to justify their actions. I think the best contemporary example of this – is the person whom Filipinos notoriously love to discuss nowadays – the person that needs no introduction, President Duterte.

About to Croak?

     President Duterte has recently been the talk of the town all the more when rumors circulated that he may have contracted COVID-19, while other rumors pointedly said that he was already on his deathbed. To augment such rumors, it was said that he may have allegedly even flown to Singapore to have himself checked. His office was quick to quash any such news by posting proof of life photos of the President, where he is seen to be eating a meal with the first family in Davao. Well, one thing we can all agree on however, is that he did not look his best. 

     The more significant and underlying message in this recent raucous is that, the general consensus on social media is that many had their fingers crossed for a new President. It looks like Duterte’s star power is quickly fading.

RUDY and RODY

   I was reminded of a conversation that a friend and I had around three weeks ago. During our usual, light political banter, I suddenly remembered how my parents used to compare President Duterte to American political icon, “Rudy” Giuliani. Quite serendipitously (and as though Netflix read my phone messages or possibly my mind), minutes later, I came across a new Netflix documentary entitled “Fear City: New York vs. The Mafia” where Giuliani is documented to have played a significant role in.

     This true crime documentary examines the rise and fall of organized crime in New York in the 1970s to early 1980s. It narrates the dark tale of how the Big Apple once transformed into the playground of underbelly operations of The Mafia – composed of the five major Italian-American crime families and their sophisticated network of ruthless henchmen. Law enforcers could not put a stop to their rings of crime, or even implicate them, and others that dared come close, found themselves or their loved ones in a rather, messy situation. These crime families of Italian descent were basically your true-to-life gangsters from which The Godfather Trilogy was based on.

 Batman, Robin and Commissioner Gordon in Gotham City

     Bringing down the Mob back then was a feat everyone thought impossible. Nevertheless, joint forces between the FBI and Giuliani (then U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York; 1983 -1989), and his handpicked team of prosecutors were able to do so – and with much required grit and tenacity. Giuliani especially, was credited to be the single piece of rice that tipped the scale in this momentous moment in the history of criminal justice. After which, Giuliani’s political career began to skyrocket. Despite losing his first election in 1989, he eventually gets elected Mayor of New York in 1993, and then reelected in 1997 to hold the position until 2001.

    During his term as Mayor of New York, Giuliani’s most popular platform was his “toughness on crime.” Such that, the gentrification, revitalization and “clean-up” of New York and significant decrease in crime rates during those heyday years are largely attributed to him. His appointment of NYPD Chief of Police, Bill Bratton also proved effective, and is often the popular topic of business case studies today. Bratton did not resort to brute force alone. In fact, he was said to be data-driven, resourceful and efficient. His non-traditional, out-of-the-box thinking, many would agree, had indeed brought about real, lasting positive change in New York.

    Giuliani was also known for making popular what is known as the “perp walk”, wherein he would orchestrate public arrests, worthy of media frenzies and major headlines, of high-profile suspects, usually of white-collar crimes. The nature of these arrests garnered some criticism of course, but it was not enough then to tarnish his image and push him far away from the good graces of the American people, especially New Yorkers. He is also highly commended for his post-9/11 (2001) disaster responses and was even knighted by Queen Elizabeth II for these tremendous efforts. He was even named TIME magazine's Person of the Year in 2001.

 Fall from Grace   

    However, fast forward years later to now 2020, many of Giuliani’s constituents and longtime supporters who once held “America’s Mayor” of the highest esteem, often say that the Rudy Giuliani of the past is long gone. Embroiled in various controversies and investigations, not to mention issues that involve being President Trump’s current legal adviser, he has said to have become the very type of white-collar “perps” he used to round up and arrest. It is quite unfortunate, isn’t it, these kind of tragic hero to zero stories. Time is not on his side now, but who knows if there is still a chance for a comeback.

 Rudy Giuliani’s story sounds very familiar.

Rody

    Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, in Davao, Philippines to be exact, during the same time that Rudy Giuliani was rising to fame, there lived and breathed another Mayor with a very similar tough guy image – Rodrigo “Rody” Duterte. An attorney as well, he also began his career in the prosecutor’s office.

Photo taken from The New York Times: Rodrigo Duterte posing with an Uzi submachine gun in 1994, when he was mayor of Davao City in the Philippines.

 Duterte Harry

    Duterte “made his bones” by allegedly taking crime into his own hands. Before assuming the Presidency, he was known as the gun-toting, smart-talkin’, fearless and tough Mayor who cleaned up Davao which back then, was supposedly a war-torn region due to the emergence of the New People’s Army (NPA) post Marcos-regime. People nodded in approval because he produced “quick” results.

    If Rudy Giuliani had his Chief of Police, Bill Bratton and the NYPD, Rody Duterte had a comparable squad as well. With the help of his elite unit of police enforcers, coined as the “Davao Death Squad” (DDS), they were able to arrest crime suspects, such as alleged (but non-convicted) drug dealers and petty thieves and parade them throughout the streets, for behold, all to know and see. This sounds like the Filipino version of a perp walk. In extreme cases, sometimes suspects were allegedly found dead in alleys or eskinitas, their bloody bodies mutilated.

     Yet, it could be said that quite a number of Davaoenos, as well as Filipinos beyond the Mindanao region, supported this kind of vigilante method because they felt safer, and they felt that finally, the wheels of justice were turning. To simplify this narrative by using a fictional analogy again, it is the same train of thought on why we have a great admiration for Batman and the like.

     Many believed this was what the Philippines truly needed - a “strongman” to discipline the country, which to be fair, is an idea that can understandably seem like the right and sound solution, given the Philippines’s web of problems. Not many are willing to further dissect, assess and accept what is truly needed to lead the Philippines. Duterte’s notoriety thus gained much popularity, and his savior persona spread like wildfire throughout the country, propelling him to the Presidential seat in 2016.

One-Trick Pony in a Small Pond

    Four years later, come 2020, and here we are, amidst a terrible pandemic with no signs of turning the tide in favor of a victory. I’ve heard one too many times, friends and colleagues say how they despise being a Filipino, and are looking for opportunities to leave and start a new life elsewhere immediately. I can’t say I blame them.

     The once highly respected and beloved Davao Mayor has become the Philippines’s Public enemy number one, for reasons we all know today such as, but not limited to:

Militaristic and shotgun approaches instead of “comprehensive, scientific and systematic policies” to mitigate the pandemic  (Read: Lives vs Livelihood Tradeoff?, August 5, 2020)

Lack of economic and fiscal planning and No transparency on stimulus packages and foreign loans (Read: A Perfect Storm, May 22, 2020)

Preferential treatment towards those in positions of power and unequal application of the law (Read: On lockdown and pushed over the edge, April 30, 2020)

Playing Russian Roulette on community quarantine implementations

Deflecting faults and shortcomings through the “Pasaway citizen” narrative

Demeaning local government leaders/efforts when they come up with their own local initiatives

Putting China’s interests ahead of the Philippines (Read: From Ugly Duckling to Black Swan, April 3, 2020)

And some of the more specific controversies that we can’t help but feel overwhelming emotions for:

Trial of Maria Ressa and his attack on free press and journalism

Shutdown of ABS-CBN which includes 11,000 employees to lose their jobs during a time like this

Inaction of recent PhilHealth scandal

  Perhaps si Mayor should have stayed as Mayor, or perhaps evolved to a different role beyond public service, instead of eyeing gargantuan tasks too big for him to handle. He may have been “effective” as Davao’s Mayor, but running a country is a whole different ballgame.

     It was in fact, the late Miriam Santiago, during the final 2016 Presidential debate held in Dagupan, Pangasinan (April 24, 2016) who pointed out, “We are not choosing a manager, administrator, etc. We are choosing the next President of the Philippines for the next 6 years.“ She even went on to enumerate three minimum criteria that a President must have in his or her arsenal in order to effectively lead, such as “1) Academic Excellence; 2) Professional Excellence, and 3) Moral Integrity” – all of which majority Filipinos flippantly shrugged off as useless qualities. I agreed with her which is why I voted for Mar Roxas. Maybe those who voted for Duterte regret this decision now, and hopefully see the wisdom behind Santiago’s statements.

     As I’ve said many times over, Duterte peddled a dream that the Philippines can only be great again with an “iron-fisted” leader, and sadly but quite expectedly, our misinformed voters ate it all up - hook, line and sinker. (Read: ORAS NA, April 26, 2016).

    I’d like to believe that Duterte perhaps started out as an idealist, with the genuine desire to carve out change where he thought he could. However, somewhere along the way, he lost himself and what he stood for when he let his ego get in the way. I think he himself now knows, but cannot admit to the public, that a one-trick pony has no business leading a highly complex, difficult and problematic country such as the Philippines.

More Analogies in 2020: The Year of the Rat led by the Pied Piper

    Other than Duterte, three other political personalities that will forever be remembered as the shameful faces of the COVID-19 situation in the Philippines are Presidential spokesperson Harry Roque, Speaker of the House Allan Peter Cayetano and the ever-infamous, Department of Health Secretary Francisco Duque. I surmise history will not be so kind to them, and their roles and decisions in this crisis will continue to be told on, even when “this is all over.”

Infestation of Rats

    These three loyal lackeys of Duterte can be likened to the rats in the children’s fairy tale of the Pied Piper who is no less than Duterte. Roque, Cayetano and Duque seem like educated and smart people, leaving no other explanation for their horrible decisions, except that they have long sold their souls to Duterte, and are in too deep to back out now. They’ve let themselves fall under some kind of spell. A consolation in the story of the Pied Piper, is that the entranced rats follow the Pied Piper’s hypnotizing music to their eventual demise and drown at sea. The Pied Piper however, just leaves them there and walks on. Seems like a foreboding scenario, figuratively speaking.

      It would be best if the story ended there. However, we find that the Pied Piper, like our very own version, is a vengeful one, and will stop at nothing until he has accomplished a personal vendetta towards whomever crosses him. In our Pied Pier’s skewed view, he feels that his opponents have gravely wronged him, or have been incredibly ungrateful for all the “work” he has achieved. His next plan of action is to hit them where it hurts the most – by getting to the children or those “most vulnerable and without a voice”. Seizing the power of his position, he is able to demonize multitudes through his filthy words, terrorizing laws and drug wars. (Read: Dead Kids, February 20, 2020).

     In so many dark metaphors, in the dead of the night, while everyone cluelessly sleeps, the Pied Piper plays his hypnotizing song that “vulnerable communities” are uncontrollably drawn to, forced to follow, or fooled into blindly following, until they all disappear without a trace, possibly never to be found again.

Light at the end of a Long Tunnel    

    However, I think our Pied Piper may have made a costly miscalculation. He may have robbed the country blind and killed countless lives (directly and indirectly), while we ignorantly slept, but he has ignited a fire. He has seemed to awoken a sleeping giant – a sleeping giant, unified in anger against this administration and what it stands for. Is Change Coming?

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Fifty-Nine: Community ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

“I just...I don’t understand!”

“That’s my point. You don’t. And given your perspective, I’m not sure you ever will.”

“What happened wasn’t the fault of everyone in the village. So why do you blame them?”

“I don’t! I blame them for their complacency! You’ve known the truth since Obito confronted you on the way to Tetsu no Kuni. He told you everything…! What the council, and the Hokage, and Danzō did to my clan. To my brother, to me…! Someone you claim to care about, to understand! But rather than address it - rather than finally come to terms with my goals, and what I needed for closure and justice - it was like you never heard a word. All you cared about was dragging my ass back to Konoha, whether I wanted it or not.”

“Because it’s your home! Your community! Where your friends are! Where your family lived -”

“And died. Or more accurately, were massacred by my own government. No trials, no publicity...just outright murder. You think I wanted to be dragged back to the place where my family was butchered and then sold for parts by Danzō? Where the rest of the council that organized the Uchiha genocide are not only still alive, but in power…? You think I wanted to come back here without any hint of justice? No mention from you, or Sakura, or Kakashi about addressing the massacre. Nothing. Not a word, or a whisper. Because from the time I left, my goals and my pain didn’t matter to you. All that did was your entitlement to my time and person. You call me a friend, but when have you ever done anything to help me accomplish the only goal I’ve had since I was seven years old?”

Naruto, breath heavy with emotion, has no answer.

Sasuke stares back, his own - somehow - calmer. “...you tell me that my friends are here. Maybe they are. But until I get apologies - and action - regarding what befell my clan at the hands of the village you love so much...I can’t call you a friend. My clan was the only thing that mattered to me. Konoha had mistreated them based on the actions of one man for generations. Treated them, at times, as second class citizens. My father’s attempts to have talks regarding the tensions between them were always met with stony silence. He felt he had no choice, for the sake of his people, to rebel against the ones holding them hostage. They held us to Madara’s actions, even as we turned our backs on him and remained loyal to Konoha. Tobirama gave us the police force, but never gave up his suspicion and ire. We were kept in a back corner of the village, separate from everyone. When the Kyūbi attacked, we were blamed. And in the end...we told the truth. It wasn’t us. It was Obito, acting on Madara’s orders. The man we turned against in favor of a village that then never trusted us despite our loyalty. And for that...all but one of us is now dead.

“...I know that the people of Konoha aren’t to blame for the massacre. That lays on the shoulders of four people, two of which are now dead...one of which I had to do myself. So you have a choice, Naruto. You can blindly accept the actions of your village’s council - refuse to do anything to address their crimes - or you can step up and act like the Hokage you want to be. You can look at this injustice, and do something about it.” A dark eye narrows. “...or I will. No more swallowing the truth for Konoha’s benefit. Its foundation is built on the bones of my clan. I will see justice done, one way or another. What side of history do you want to be on?”

“...Sasuke…”

“Until you and the others make up your minds, I don’t want to hear from you. As long as you stand silent on this...you don’t have the right to my time.” Turning on a heel, Sasuke leaves his teammate’s apartment.

He knew it would be pointless. Knew that his team was still too blinded by village loyalty to consider removing the poisoned roots. But on the off chance that he could get some increment of the truth through Naruto’s thick skull, he had to try.

And look where it gets him.

He knows there’s still recovery going on. From the destruction wrought by Pein, from the war...in the grand scheme of things, justice for a crime a decade old - no matter its scale - has to wait.

...but he doesn’t want to wait forever.

Even now, the sting of his team’s inaction and silence after learning what Konoha’s elders had done boils his blood...but he’s working on his temper. Koharu and Homura still have to answer for their actions. Hiruzen and Danzō are dead. Once some kind of justice is done to those who remain...he’ll be satisfied.

...but beyond that, he wants the truth known. The price the Uchiha paid the ultimate price for the stability of the village that betrayed them. He wants every citizen - shinobi and civilian alike - to know just what that stability has cost him. So that it can weigh on them as it weighs on him.

He won’t let this be forgotten. Buried. Lost to time and the sins of a system he will help change.

Outside Naruto’s apartment, the weather has turned overcast, the first few drops of rain beginning to fall as he shuts the door, crouching atop the railing before hopping his way down rooftops and balconies to the street below. It doesn’t bother him. In fact, he finds it more than appropriate.

Even now, the people of Konoha look to him warily, distrust in their eyes. He wonders how those looks will change once they realize what drove him. What still drives him.

...he wonders if they ever will.

Water soon begins to drip from his fringe, the hair bouncing with every release of weight. He doesn’t mind the rain. It’s hardly about to make him ill.

But someone else notices.

“...Sasuke-kun?”

For a sliver of a moment, the name irks him. Sakura still calls him that. But this isn’t Sakura. The tone is far too soft, far more polite than her grating, attention-demanding recitals of his name. Instead, a glance to a nearby shop overhang reveals a growingly-familiar face.

Hyūga Hinata.

Their mutual connections have meant being thrown together rather often since his return a few weeks ago. While she was so unnoticeable before he left he barely knew her, he’s still become aware of how much she’s changed. Possibly the most out of anyone in their year, if he’s to be honest.

“...Hyūga.”

“...um...did you forget an umbrella?”

“Left before I knew I’d need one. It’s not about to kill me.”

“No, but…” Her brow gives a funny little furrow: torn between hesitation and determination. “...would you like to use mine?”

“I’m fine, Hyūga.”

“But -?”

He gives a roll of his eyes alongside a sigh. “...fine. I’m just going home, anyway.”

“O...okay.” Unfurling the thing, she steps up alongside him, and a glance reminds him of how much shorter she is than him. The lavender umbrella is actually fairly wide, and keeps most of the rain off them both.

“Were you...out for a walk?”

“Hm?”

“Well, I just...I noticed you aren’t carrying anything, so…”

“I was visiting Naruto.”

“...oh!”

“It didn’t go well.”

“...oh. I’m...sorry to hear that.”

“He’s just being his typical bullheaded self.” Hinata, as it turns out, is one of the few people most privy to the whole affair. Not that Sasuke minds - if anything, he’s glad to know someone else is aware.

Especially since she’s been a rather vocal voice taking his side.

The Hyūga, after all, are distant relatives of the Uchiha. While he hardly calls them kin, they’re the most similar to his late clan, in both terms of skills and power. And Hinata’s experiences - while hardly to the scale of his own - grant her a unique perspective on the matter...along with an understanding.

She offers a soft sigh. “...may I ask what...was said?”

“He seems to think that I need to relax and just try to adjust back into the village. It’s like he’s not considering my point about the council at all. Something has to be done. I won’t stand for anything less. But it’s like he wants me to just...pretend none of it happened. Waltz around Konoha like I never left. Rejoin the community. Like I can just open up my arms and everything will be how it was. Or...how he thought it was.”

“...Naruto-kun does seem to have a bit of a, um...rose-tinted view of the village’s politics,” Hinata replies, tone a bit dry. “...even after all that happened with the Hyūga, and with Neji-nīsan, he hasn’t approached us about his supposed promise to help us reform the branched clan policy. It’s been Neji and I heading that front. It can’t and w-won’t be so easy for you to adjust back to life in the village...especially when the people responsible for your clan’s genocide are still walking free.”

“Exactly.”

Her gaze averts downward. “...I’m sorry. I w-wish there was a way to make this easier. It’s been said been said before, but...please don’t forget that the Hyūga are with you. We’re prepared to help whatever way we can. But...we can’t act on our own. The other clans need to be made aware. Otherwise...I’m afraid the revelation will spark panic and mistrust.”

“As it should, honestly,” Sasuke mutters. “An entire clan was wiped out without fair trial or a proper audience. Any other clan, should they ever have a grievance severe enough, could be next. Of course...none of them have the relationship with the long-standing Senju-biased power in Konoha that my clan did. But once they know what happened...it’ll be a very real concern.”

“Exactly. So...we have to handle this delicately. But...that does still mean we have to handle it.”

By now, the pair have wandered out toward the clan districts, the Hyūga gates coming up first. The Uchiha clan no longer has a gate: just a large, empty field where the land was re-leveled after Pein’s assault, sans for the house Sasuke’s been built.

After a brief silence, Hinata offers, “...I’m sure Naruto-kun and the others will c-come around. It’s just...complicated. I’m sure they want justice for you. But...we all have our other strings attached we h-have to account for.”

Sasuke sighs. “...I know. But until it’s made known, I’ll never just fit in the way Naruto wants me to. To everyone but a handful, I’m a criminal and a traitor only pardoned due to my ties to the Rokudaime and the village hero.”

Her expression falls. “...it isn’t fair. But...w-we’ll get there. And...hopefully we can help this community rebuild, in ways b-better than it was before. Konoha isn’t perfect, and...addressing its wrongs and shadows is important to help us more forward into a new era of peace. For all of us.”

For some reason, her words seem to really resound in his chest. All of us. Meaning him, too. Rebuild the community...hm…

An idea worming its way into his head, he comes to a stop with her at the Hyūga gate. “...thanks for listening.”

“Any time, Sasuke-kun. Do you...want to take my umbrella with you?”

“I’ll be fine, but thanks. It’s not much further.”

“All right. If you need anything...don’t hesitate to ask, ne?”

For a brief moment, a corner of his mouth flickers. “...I’ll keep that in mind.”

“...enjoy your evening, Sasuke-kun.”

“You too.”

Watching her head into the compound, he then turns and makes to conquer the last distance before home. He feels a lot...calmer now. Funny how talking with her always seems to do that, even if they really don’t talk that much.

...maybe that’s sort of the point.

Still...her words about working on Konoha’s interior have the cogs in his mind turning. There might be something to that...but, one step at a time.

                                                           .oOo.

     A bit more of my 'canon' verse cuz...that was the first thing to come to mind with this one!      My interpretation for Sasuke in this verse is not just all sunshine and rainbows with his team after the war. I, for one, CANNOT accept the Uchiha massacre just being swept under the rug the way it is in 700+. Cuz let's be real, a boy - man - who fought for justice for more than half his life, for a decade, wouldn't just shrug off genocide because his friend wants him to forget and just...go back and play house with his team that has, in all reality, done very little to support him and justice for his clan even AFTER learning the truth.      Hence doing things my way ;3 (And just as a heads up / reminder, no, I don't debate my view of things in comments, be it plot or characterization or relationships between characters. This is my interpretation. You're free to yours. Debating said topics is not what I'm here to do, since I've gotten some rather confrontational comments on the subject before, lol. This is a fanfic, not a forum for discussion. No likey, take hikey.)      ANYWHO, it's late, and I gotta head to bed! Thanks for reading~

[vagrantblvrd]

I would love for a superhero!au dusk boys prompt that features villainous Rimmy Tim? :D

Oh, wow, okay, I love this a lot?

I’m just.

I want to set this in a world where people who have superpowers aren’t viewed as being inherently dangerous.

There are obviously ones who are, but for the most part it’s just like Macy down the street can shoot lasers from her eyes and Bob in accounting can communicate with plants. Sheryl from marketing can fly and turn invisible and only uses one of those powers on a regular basis because she’s shy. (Harry in IT is just weird, but everyone knew that already.)

People with powers can tick off a box when they go in to get their driver license or ID card so if they’re  in an accident EMTs and the whatnot know to take proper precautions and suchlike, but it’s not a whole Thing, just like.

Huh, interesting.

(Because I’m saving the Angst and Drama for Other Things later on. :D)

Not everyone bothers with secret identities, but the ones who do go all out, okay? Kind of high-key hilarious for the people around them who figure it out and decide not to tell them just to hear all the ridiculous explanations why their superhero/sidekick buddy was late to work or missed a meeting or whatever else.

I like to imagine there are sitcoms/reality shows built around that too? Like. They never reveal the superhero/sidekick’s alter ego but they fuck with them so hard. And other such things because the potential? Omg, so much potential for those kind of shenanigans. (And you can always tell who has a secret identity because they’re always griping about those kind of shows and it’s just another level of hilarity.)

There are specialized school and programs to help people manage their powers even if they don’t plan on going into the superhero/sidekick career field so they don’t accidentally hurt someone. (There are programs for supervillains too.

Outreach and whatnot with the hope of winning potential villains/villains over to the good side if they’re lucky. Realistically though, they’ll settle for helping them learn to control their powers to minimize casualties and such. (A few of the more level-headed villains out there may or may not be responsible for similar programs because they stand the risk of the superheros/military/whatever coming down hard on villains as a whole if they don’t help police their own?)

ANYWAY.

Trevor’s this normal(ish) enough human in this AU, right? May or may not be a master thief out Thieving and living his best life. Gallivanting around the world where rare and valuable items just happen to go missing.

Sometimes the local authorities will bring him in for questioning and discover he has something of a spotty record. Juvenile offenses and misdemeanors. (But the thing is it’s clear it’s been…altered, and while there’s some confusion as to who is behind it, there’s no denying he’s had something to do with Serious Criminal Incidents in the past. All these clues and witness accounts and all this placing him there and yet! Nothing worse on his records than those misdemeanors.)

He’s got famous parents, you see. Big shots in the supers world and love story of the ages.

One was a hero and the other was a villain who gave up their wicked ways  for love and so on and so forth.

They were happy for a while there, had their loving family and played coy with the press when they came around asking how they made their relationship work and how did their children handle knowing about past villainous exploits and so on and so forth, and it was a bit of a circus some days, but it was good until it wasn’t.

(Isn’t that always the way?)

Trevor was young when the inevitable happened so of course he grew up on “Son, what would your parents say if they could see you now?> and oh, oh, Trevor doesn’t know, officer, what would they say? Oh right, there’s no way to know because they’re both dead, aren’t they?

Plenty of people who always said it would happen sooner or later. Just the kind of thing that happens when you got around making all those devil’s deals and turn your back on it all thinking just because you’re done with it, it’s done with you or however that goes. (Always, always a price to be paid.)

He’s had plenty of people try to console him with the fact they were together when it happened, protecting one another to the bitter end and it’s such a slap to the face because, you know, because.

The ones left behind to pick up the pieces and the whole world wanting answers to questions they were never entitled to.

Losing the only other person who could understand how Trevor felt to building anger and resentment and other ugly little things until Trevor had no choice but to leave. (No place for him there anymore, and really it was for the best, wasn’t it?)

Slipped away like a ghost in the night and it was just…easier to steal a thing here, another there to get by until he fell in with the wrong crowd. Got in over his head a bit and dragged along with the current until he got some kind of ground under his feet again. Tarnished reputation and all kinds of disappointment being heaped on him, but that was fine because there was no one left to care.

And then!

And then he realizes someone’s been looking out for him, clearing up the worst of his little mistakes – if you’re going to go bad, you do it well, and he hadn’t, so thank you for that oh, so mysterious benefactor. (Pays to befriend a hacker, doesn’t it? Especially one who’s kind enough to keep an eye on you for your own sake, God bless all the little hackers.)

He drifts along for a little while longer, gets better at his craft even though it’s not his passion, and then one day he gets a call. (Half expecting it because he’s been keeping tabs on everything (everyone) he left behind and there have been situations and incidents and a whole lot of Things in general.)

The call is pretty much what he expects, but there’s also some come home and please and I’m sorry.

He would have ignored it, because he’s a hard soul these days, you know. Tough as nails and cold and steel and all that, but he’s never gotten an apology and it makes him…curious.

So he goes home, wry little twist to his lips as he passes the statues of his parents in a prominent location. Monument to their legacy Trevor could never live up to and all these people who glance at him and frown like they feel they should know him and don’t know why.

There’s a fancy building in the heart of the city’s business district. All gleaming glass and the kind of place villains love to target for the spectacle of it all.

Trevor head there, flashes the doorman a little smile, tips his head at the guard in the lobby. Another smile and a wink for the receptionist at the main desk to get a look in return – she remembers him, and isn’t impressed because he’s been gone a long time, hasn’t he?

Still, she doesn’t stop him as he breezes past on his way to the elevator bank.

Presses the buttons in a pattern that lets it zip right on past the other floors and anyone who’d love to get on the elevator between the ground floor and the oh so glorious offices on the top floors. (Stops counting past the executive level because shhhh, secrets.)

He gets off the elevator in a narrow little hallway with all kinds of hidden cameras and security measures. Presses his hand flat against a scanner and presents his eyeball for another. Ridiculously outdated things, but it’s the presentation of it all, and then a pair of heavy doors disengage to reveal a long hallways, stark lighting and very cliché isn’t it?

Still, he continues down the hallway to another pair of doors and waits.

Little panel to the side slides open and he glances at it, then at the hidden camera he knows is aimed at him.

“Open sesame,” he says, tired of this little game, and the doors slide open.

Bit of a light show as he walks through and then -

“Trevor.”

Trevor tips his head to the side, gaze flicking over the people in the room.

The man who called him home and two others?

Around his age, give or take, and confused as to why they’re here and trying to hide it. (Fair enough, he’s had longer practice at it.)

ANYWAY.

There’s a man in a lovely little suit, all perfectly tailored and the whatnot. Looks older than Trevor remembers, but that’s what you get when you take on the task of running a multi-billion dollar business and the whatnot. (Among other things.)

“Hello, Ryan,” he says, and it has been a long time, hasn’t it? Long enough that Trevor doesn’t know if he’s still angry at Ryan or some other pesky emotion. “You like like hell.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow, but it lacks the usual arrogance. (Looks tired.)

The strangers in the room are watching curiously, aware there’s some little bit of Drama going on here but not sure what, and that’s interesting, isn’t it?

But then Ryan clears his throat and turns to them, all nice and charming and the very fine actor he’s proven himself to be as he leads them all to this little setup he’s had put together. Several chairs and a projector and Trevor has this very odd flashback to school and the terrible little films they had to watch, but that’s a bit of a digression.

“Gentlemen,” Ryan says, “I’ve invited you all here for a reason.”

Trevor glances at the strangers, notices them watching Ryan warily as he flicks the lights off and the project whirs to life. (Ryan really did gold old school with it, didn’t he?)

News footage of what looks like an attack on the city – industrial area. Warehouses with a familiar logo (same one as on the side of this very building, in fact!) - general sort of mayhem and destruction and a blurry figure behind it all.

Little flashes of purple and orange and at the end a surprisingly low body count. (One is always too many, but for the destruction they’ve just seen it’s somewhat impressive.)

Ryan tells them about this new threat – clearly someone with superpowers of some sort – that’s been targeting Ryan’s company. Hit and runs and targets of opportunity, and while the police and such are looking into the things the main superhero team in the city hasn’t been taking it seriously.

Trevor looks away from the blurry image of the villain in questions till up on the screen to see Ryan frowning, scowling, really.

“That doesn’t seem right,” one of the strangers says, British accent and dubious as hell. “Didn’t people die?”

Ryan sighs, giving the man a wry smile.

“Not enough.”

Not in this city, Trevor knows.

A superhero team as famous as theirs fields the most dangerous threats to the city and those like the one targeting Ryan’s company…well. Until they do something that makes the general public wonder why he hasn’t been dealt with, he’s not really their problem, now is he?

Plenty of smaller teams and solo heroes out there who could handle someone like that and anyways, they’ve got bigger fish to fry. (It’s happened before.)

“So you’ve brought the three of us here to handle your little problem,” Trevor says, and oh, there’s still some anger in him, isn’t there?

Ryan looks at him.

“You’d rather I let things go on as they have been?” he asks. “People have died. No doubt more will die before this is over.”

Ryan talks like he knows something about it, and Trevor -

“Okay, so there’s some kind of history between you guys, right?” one of the strangers asks, which means he must not be from here. “Because damn.”

Ryan goes all awkward and stiff as he informs the man he’s not wrong, that Trevor’s his brother -

“Step-brother,” Trevor interjects sweetly, as Ryan was so kind to point out the last time they spoke face-to-face. “Blended family, you know how it is.”

He gets the satisfaction of seeing Ryan wince at the reminder, but it’s a hollow sort of victory.

Ryan goes on to tell the three of them the plan he’s come up with. Housing and pay, all the tedious little details.

A building of their very own that’s been retrofitted with proper training facilities and the whatnot and Trevor eyes the strangers curiously.

Supers, then, but which is very interesting indeed seeing as how fond of them Ryan usually is.

It makes sense, though, doesn’t it. Better mouse trap or…something to catch this pest that’s digging the foundation out from under Ryan’s feet all this time.

Ryan tells them he understands if they choose to decline, tells them to take time to think it over and all that.

There’s this little pause like he’s debating whether or not to ask Trevor to stay behind, but Trevor doesn’t wait for him to come to a decision. Just leaves with the others Ryan picked for this meeting of his and the three of them file out the room and spend an awkward elevator ride together. Trevor’s aware of the curious looks he’s getting, which is fine. (Expected.)

Ryan’s one of the most important people in the city and Trevor is…Trevor.

He gets a question, though, just before they reach the ground floor lobby. Gets asked if Ryan’s on the up and up about this team he’s trying to put together, and honestly?

Trevor doesn’t know.

And oh, the looks he gets for that because they’re (half) brothers, aren’t they? Shouldn’t Trevor be the best qualified to know and all?

The elevator doors open with impeccable timing, and Trevor shrugs, and tells them it was a pleasure and all that as he walks out.

He fully intends to get the hell out of the city, let Ryan clean up his own mess – and it must be his, if he’s willing to involve supers in this - but.

Trevor makes a little stop first.

Quiet little neighborhood he hasn’t been to in years, but it hasn’t changed much.

Rings the doorbell to a jaunty little tune he heard on the radio a few days ago on a door and waits, and then waits some more before he hears sounds of movement. Muffled voice tinged with annoyance and when the door opens, Trevor’s already smiling.

“Hi, Matt,” he says, and laughs at the flatly unamused look on Matt’s face.

For a moment he thinks Matt’s just going to slam the door in is face - rude - but then he sighs and lets Trevor inside.

The place is as cluttered as Trevor remembers it as he follows Matt to his lair.

His computer setup has been vastly upgraded, all shiny and the like.

“What do you want?”

Trevor grins, because Matt’s just like that, isn’t he? So he brings his phone out and shows Matt the photos he took of the two men Ryan had recruited for his team while no one was paying attention.

Not the best lighting or composition, but hopefully enough for Matt to dig up information on them.

And, sure. Trevor could ask Ryan, but where would the fun be in that? (Also, Trevor may or may not have learned not to take Ryan at his word some time back, so there’s that as well.)

Matt gives him this look, and snatches Trevor’s phone out of his hand as he goes to do his technical wizardry.

(Not quite an exaggeration, given Matt’s powers.)

Trevor pokes and prods the collectibles and other knickknacks and whatever else Matt has laying around while he waits.

Eventually Matt calls him over and hands him a little USB and Trevor thanks him, little tip of a hat he’s not wearing and Matt just sighs because yes.

Trevor goes off to that motel room he has, classy place with (almost) nary a suspicious stain to be found anywhere! :D

Plugs that USB Matt gave him into his laptop and does his homework like a good little thief.

Finds out that the British one is a young hero recently arrived in the city by way of Rooster territory.

Powers that have to do with probability manipulation that he can directly utilize in extreme circumstances and so on. Curious blank spot even Matt couldn’t fill in regarding how that was discovered, because you don’t go saying something like that without an Event, now do you? Some kind of incident for that discovery and all, but never mind that for now.

No reason listed why he left his former team to come here of all places, and Trevor is honestly baffled as to why Ryan would be interested in someone with his abilities. (Not a great believer in things like luck and so on, Ryan. Loves his sciences and hard facts and clear results, doesn’t care overmuch for anything else.)

The other one makes more sense, though. Reactive adaptation with a focus on combat – and my, my, my, what an impressive resume he has in that regard. All sorts of qualifications and certifications and rankings and so on.

Quite the list of teams he’s been on that have since disbanded, its members going on to join larger teams and so on. Only good things to be said about him and his past feats and exploits.

Nice upstanding young man with a bright future ahead of him, and he’d come here of all places.

Astounding.

Trevor sits back and stares at the photos and screen grabs Matt had included of the two of them.

The British one seems to stumble into trouble of one kind of another on a regular basis, from simple misunderstandings to God knows what. Has made headlines here and there, identity unconfirmed and all, but Matt knows what he’s about, and Trevor learned to trust his work a long time ago.

One Gavin Free who manages to pick his way clear of any trouble he finds, comes out on top with a cheeky little grin and maybe it’s down to his abilities, maybe not. (Definitely, yes, though, Trevor thinks. Too coincidental otherwise.)

Odd mix of powers Ryan has there, with these two. Mr. Diaz, yes, okay. Easy to explain away? But Mr. Free?

Most curious.

Makes no damn sense at all, but maybe Ryan’s just that desperate. (He called Trevor home, after all.)

Trevor’s phone buzzes, and when he checks it there’s a new message from Ryan asking to talk, and he has to applaud him for the timing of it.

Shuts his laptop down and heads out to this little meeting of his and isn’t at all surprised when a sleek black limo pulls up alongside him after a block.

Trevor gets in because it’s cold out, so close to winter. Ignores the look Ryan gives him as he rubs his hands together to warm them up because they aren’t kids anymore and it’s none of Ryan’s concern, now is it?

They drive along for a while without a word. Clearly no destination in mind, and Trevor starts to think maybe he should just bail before things get any more awkward?

But then Ryan starts talking. Telling Trevor that yes, alright, he’s made some missteps, Ryan has. Got too caught up in his grief over losing their parents, and there’s that little snap of anger again because understatement? (And when, oh when, was the last time Trevor heard him call them that with any kind of sincerity behind it instead of that seething resentment?)

But he doesn’t interrupt Ryan, no. Let’s him talk about his feelings and all, other mistakes he made. (The rift with his relationship with Trevor and so on.)

Trevor eyes him because Ryan sounds remorseful about it, but he’s a very good actor.

“Never thought I’d see the day you’d sponsor a team of supers,” he says.

Ryan may be smart enough not to voice his disdain for said teams and their ilk these days considering how popular they are with the public, but Trevor knows all about it, doesn’t he.

Heard the rants before he left, the way Ryan’s opinion of them did that sharp about face after their parents’ deaths, the way the city’s heroes didn’t lift a finger to help and so on and so on. How so many of them are chasing fame and glory and riches rather than out to do good. Cared more about their image, whether they’d get paid than doing what they were meant to. (Loyalty and the lack thereof.)

“Times change,” Ryan says, odd note to it as he watches the city blur by. “People change.”

Trevor snorts, but he can’t help but notice the limo driver seems to be headed somewhere now, not just driving aimlessly in circles. Glances at Ryan who is still focused on the view outside the limo and keeps his silence until they pull up to a building.

The one Ryan showed Trevor and the others in that little meeting earlier, because of course.

Ryan looks at Trevor then, head cocked, and Trevor doesn’t have a good reason not to follow him as Ryan gets out.

They go on a little tour of the building, Ryan showing him the amenities and whatnot, and they end up on one of the training areas. Obstacle course that takes up an entire floor. Must have cost a pretty penny and all -

“I could use your help,” Ryan says, sounding less like the blowhard Trevor remembers him as and more like the brother he grew up with. “Gavin and Alfredo have potential, but they need someone like you to keep them focused.”

Well that’s a bold-faced lie.

Trevor doesn’t know what Ryan’s up to with this team of his, but it’s definitely suspect.

“I doubt they’d appreciate working with someone who has a record like mine,” he says, half-hearted attempt at humor.

The Roosters aren’t as strict in their hiring practices as most teams, but even they would have thought twice about bringing someone like Trevor on board.

And Alfredo?

Well, no knowing his thoughts on the matter but his past teams were of the goody two-shoes sort.

Ryan laughs, mouth quirking as he glances at Trevor.

“You’d be surprised,” he says.

And.

Trevor stares at Ryan, all these reasons to say no in his head. Some are even valid, but truth be told Trevor’s a bit of an idiot.

“I guess we’ll see,” he says, and bites back a smile at the surprise he can just feel rolling off Ryan who was expecting more of a fight.

Anyway.

Trevor agrees to be the leader of this new team, moves what possessions he has at the motel to the team’s HQ and sets about putting things to order.

Is pleasantly surprised when Gavin and Alfredo show up a few days later. Gavin first and Alfredo a few hours behind him.

Gives them the same tour Ryan gave him and leaves them to pick out which living quarters they like as he wrangles paperwork. (Endless amounts of it involved in any sort of team.)

He gives them a few days to settle in, get comfortable with the place before he calls them together for a meeting. Tells them there’s a mandatory physical before they can begin training and then montage?

Trevor putting them through their paces starting with a standard obstacle course and moving on to the ones designed for supers to test their reflexes and response times and whatever else. Standard training exercises and Alfredo’s powers are super impressive, right?

Has Gavin all :DDDDDDDDDDD because it’s just real cool and Alfredo is aw, shucks about it because it’s just this thing he does?

Doesn’t even have conscious control of it half the time because ingrained training and instincts and reflexes and all that, but hey, thanks?

And Gavin is like, no, no, it’s really cool!

Trevor is just hmm because it’s nice to see them getting along, but most of the time Alfredo’s powers kick in because Gavin’s go a little haywire?

Sudden accidents and general bad luck, and Gavin deflates because yeah, okay.

There’s this whole thing where he may or may not have annoyed someone who has the sort of powers that could affect his when he was still with the Roosters?

Snap of their fingers when Gavin pushed them a little too much and Gavin’s good luck turns to shit. And since his powers extend to those nearby Things Happened around him.

It was supposed to be a temporary thing, just a few days and hopefully Gavin would have learned his less, but his former teammate got sucked into a long-term mission somewhere and it slipped their mind to fix Gavin’s powers before they left, and just.

There’s only so many times your luck can turn on you and those around you until it becomes a Problem. (Before someone gets hurt.)

Gavin felt he was being a bit of a burden on his team with his bad luck and all interfering in their heroing and was all :DDDDDDDDD as he told them he wanted to try working solo for a bit. Change of pace and all and somehow Ryan scooped up him for this team of theirs? (Guilt heavy in his chest for all the close calls his run of bad luck caused and lesson learned but that’s not enough to break that little jinx, is it?)

Trevor and Alfredo share a look because Gavin puts up a good front, but it’s clear the whole situation is affecting him, so.

“Well, we’ll just have to find a way to make that work in our favor then,” Trevor says, and Alfredo is totally on board and just.

Team Bonding?

Alfredo brings up the whole thing about being tired of working with all those gung-ho goody-good types?

Just.

Strict and close-minded and sometimes a little too religious about following the rules, and after his last team disbanded thought he’d try the solo thing for a while? See how that worked for him, and then Ryan popped up and hey, someone has to do something, right?

And Trevor is just.

Huh.

A little uncomfortable to admitting the whole Master Thief thing? But since they opened up he can’t do  any less.

Mentions the fact his parents were heroes – big names as that kind of thing goes – but he doesn’t name names. (Knows they’ll figure it out eventually if they stay in the city because hey, the press loves dragging their names up every now and then. Talking about the family drama that followed and so on and so forth., but figures that’s a Future Problem.)

There are more montage scenes where they continue to train, teamwork coming along nicely and friendships developing and such, and then!

One day Trevor’s out on a jog or walk and runs into this odd little figure.

Literally. (Well, almost literally.)

Glances down at his team communicator gadget on his wrist when it buzzes – Gavin with another of his   bizarre hypotheticals – and has to do this awkward little stop-stumble-shuffle to keep from running into this guy.

On the short side of things and this look on his face as Trevor comes to a flailing stop. Also -

“You’re being lied to.”

???

Trevor stares down at this stranger because cryptic much? And of course he has to follow him after that because clearly that’s the smart thing to do in such a situation?

They go over to a park bench where the guy brings out this bag of frozen peas and feeds the ducks that come over curiously hoping for food – and slides Trevor this look.

“Bread’s bad for them,” he says, defensive note to his voice.

(Because yes he is playing out a spy movie cliché while carrying a bag of frozen peas in your coat pocket, but at least he’s being conscientious about things.)

The guy tells Trevor he’s being lied to about Ryan’s little team, all these little stories and secrets about what’s really been happening and Trevor listens because of course he does. Files everything he’s being told away to double and triple check later with Matt and other contacts he still (hopefully) has around the city because he’s not stupid.

Still, what he’s being told does sound an awful lot like the Ryan he remembers, and it’s -

It doesn’t hurt, not that much anymore. Not like it did at the start of it all. Now it’s just this dull little pain, like a bruise you didn’t know you had until you put pressure on it or knock it against something. (Quiet, lingering thing.)

The guy ran out of peas a while back, but there are still a few ducks hanging around, occasional little quacks and other sounds out of them hoping the idiot humans will feed them again.

But no, no, because the guy tucks the empty bag into a coat pocket and wipes his hands on his pants before he gets up to leave. Gives Trevor this look – sympathetic and walks away.

Trevor looks down at one particularly persistent duck, greedy little fiend and tells it he might bring something for it the next day if the weather’s good and goes back to the base Ryan gave him and his odd little team.

Sits on all the information he was given for a few days until he heads over to see Matt, who is just this side of Done with Trevor’s nonsense regarding the doorbell ringing serenades.

“A gift to that shrine you seem to be building!” Trevor chirps, bright and cheerful as he shoves a bag of  collectibles and soon-to-be knickknacks that he couldn’t help notice Matt was missing on his earlier visit.

Matt sighs, because that’s what Matt does sometimes and Trevor doesn’t ask because he wouldn’t want to pry.

And then he asks Matt if he would mind looking into a few things for him?

Matt grumbles but hey, it’s almost impossible to find the collectibles Trevor brought him and it is Trevor, so.

“Fine, not like I had my hands full with other shit, but why not?”

Trevor beams at him and goes off to visit his other contacts around the city.

Gets back to HQ to find Alfredo and Gavin fucking around in one of the training rooms, Gavin laughing like an idiot as he snipes Alfredo with a Nerf gun? There are other similar weapons littering the area, and Trevor realizes they don’t know hes there, so he just.

Watches for a while.

Gavin coming up with ridiculous test scenarios and Alfredo agreeing or letting Gavin talk him into them and while it’s hardly scientific, there is some kind of method to their madness?

Sure, it’s mostly them goofing around, but it’s also weirdly productive? (Besides team bonding and the whatnot.)

And then Alfredo starts chasing Gavin for Revenge and Gavin almost runs into Trevor and it’s this oh, shit moment because the boss/team leader caught them goofing off?

(Trevor’s hardly been a terrible team leader to them, but there’s definite Distance between the three of them, feeling like the two of them have been forced on him and he’s not super duper keen about things, so. Yeah. Not sure how to read him and all that. Trust, sure, don’t really know which way he’d jump if things got rough.)

Alfredo rounding the corner all a-ha! Gotcha! And his oh shit moment when he sees Trevor.

Little standoff, Gavin backing up until he bumps into Alfredo who’s eyeing Trevor warily. (Wants to trust the asshole, right? But - )

Trevor smirks and pegs Gavin with one of the Nerf guns he picked up earlier and while Gavin and Alfredo are processing all that he pops Alfredo too.

Smirks, because he’s totally laughing at these two dorks, and challenges to best out of whatever, right?

Gavin and Alfredo share this look because ??? and Trevor feels guilty for not giving the two of them- his team – his all the way they deserved and hopes they’ll give him another chance and all that.

The three of them “train” for a while longer and Trevor realizes that yes, okay, they make for an odd team but Gavin and Alfredo aren’t that bad as people go and he puts more of himself into this Team thing.

Keeps running into the guy he met (not quite so literally) and getting cryptic bits of information from him about goings on and so forth.

And then there’s an attack on one of the company facilities the team gets called out to stop and things go about as you’d expect because they’re still not a team-team yet. Haven’t worked out the kinks in regards to teamwork and get in each other’s way. Come out of with minor injuries and property damage and nothing much to show for it.

Ryan isn’t pleased with the whole mess and Trevor steps up to shoulder the blame because he knows he’s not been the best team leader and so on and so forth. (Gets this look from Ryan who backs down easily enough and tells Trevor he hopes they’ll do better the next time there’s an attack and leaves to deal with the mess.)

Gavin and Alfredo just watching and realizing Trevor’s doing his best to do right by them so of course there’s bonding going on and all that.

Also, more training which means ~montage sequence~ and so on.

Trevor and meeting with Matt and his contacts and Mystery Duck-feeding Guy and all that.

And then!

Another attack, larger in scope and the Dusk Boys are holding their own for a while until some bruiser comes along and just. Flings them aside like annoying little flies.

Trevor getting back up in time to see Gavin about to get flattened, but then!

Then another hero type appears out of nowhere and takes care of the bruiser for them. Just bulls on in and takes all these hits before knocking the bastard out, and Trevor is just staring because its Mystery Duck-feeding Man. (Of course it is.)

The guy disappears before the authorities get there to clean up the mess from the fight, leaving Trevor and his team to deal with all of that, but Trevor is like HMM.

Lies about knowing who the guy that saved them was – this little pause from Gavin and Fredo because they know he’s lying, but they follow his lead when they’re questioned about it.

Things are quiet for a bit after that, Gavin and Fredo wanting to know what the deal is with their mystery savior and Trevor, but don’t want to alienate Trevor when they were just becoming a real team.

Ryan coming down to Talk to Trevor privately, seems troubled by the whole thing but Trevor lies to him too and Ryan -

Sighs and lets Trevor have his secrets and goes back to running the company and such.

And then!

More attacks and Trevor’s friend popping in to save them from time to time. Ryan popping in every so often and warning Trevor that things aren’t always what they seem and be careful who he trusts, which is a bit ironic, given the everything.

Matt and Trevor’s contacts get back to Trevor with the information he sent them hunting for and it’s enlightening, to say the least.

Goes to his suite at their little HQ and reads all about the shady things Ryan was rumored to be involved in before and after Trevor left to wander about willy-nilly.

Noted coolness towards the supers teams in the city, particularly towards the one their parents were once part of.

The way he had this focus on not quite replacing the hero teams in the city as being an auxiliary group for them? Providing support alternatives – so many villains and all that, teams can’t be everywhere.

Training programs for non-supers, gadgets they could use to suppress various powers and all this legal red-tape to wade through because talk about potential complications? (Whispers he might have take too much after his mother – first born and some never believed her heel-face turn was genuine. Just a ploy, and they’ve seen supervillains fake their deaths before. And, and, he’s always been a bit odd.)

Makes Trevor feel a little sick because it makes a terrible sort of sense – Ryan was so angry when their parents died. Even if the rumors about their mother faking her death are bullshit, Ryan’s feelings about that were never in doubt.

All this new information has him looking at Gavin and Alfredo in a new light. He doesn’t think they’re in on it, if Ryan’s up to something Nefarious, but maybe???

Before he can do anything about it, there’s another attack.

There have been so many, building up to something big, and this one takes place at the opening of one of those training facilities of Ryan’s for a private security force kind of thing. Most meant to look after the company’s interests, but contracts available to the city at large and all that.

City and law officials in attendance, instructors and investors, all that.

Ryan in a lovely little suit, and they get attacked.

Trevor was watching from a nearby roof, and Gavin and Alfredo are off…somewhere. (Day off and shenanigans to be had, you know.)

Trevor running before he knows it because they may not see eye-to-eye, but Ryan’s still Ryan.

Gets there in time to see the instructors and whatnot bundling the officials and reporters and whatnot off to safety. Realize that Ryan’s the target this time, and oh, what a time to be so unprepared.

No powers, just the training he’s got under his belt and all these dirty little tricks and this bastard of a supervillain who takes a hit like it’s nothing.

Full-face mask and something familiar to him – but he doesn’t get a lot of time to dwell on that because of all the fighting???

Anyway.

They keep fighting, Trevor doing his best to keep the bastard away from Ryan and the others who have sought shelter inside the facility, trying to reach the security center to put out a call for help and all. (In case people watching the live broadcast and all missed the commotion?)

The two of them are playing this cat and mouse game, Trevor ignoring the taunts being flung his way – bastard’s using a voice modulator so it’s extra creepy?

Uses little throwing knives and shuriken and the like because yes, and realizes after he ducks into hiding that the supervillain isn’t impervious because there’s some blood splattered around. Not enough to constitute a serious injury, but nice to know he’s not up against someone who isn’t even feeling any of Trevor’s attacks.

And then when the guy rushes him realizes he’s not just shaking off Trevor’s attacks, that he’s letting Trevor get hits on him so he can use his own blood to create armor???

Calls it up on his forearm to block or encases his hands with it when he attacks, sharp spikes that cut through Trevor’s clothes and the thin armor undersuit he always wears as a matter of habit? (Dangerous world out there, and even more so for someone in his line of work without powers of his own to speak of. The fact that the only armor undersuits Trevor trusts are made by the company Ryan’s run is just a coincidence, really.)

It’s kind of gross and impressive as hell – rare too, because (haha, not a joke) bloodlines and so on and this whole stigma of powers like that being mainly supervillainish?

And then!

The guy knocks him aside, tosses him through a display case or something and goes after Ryan and the others. Trevor struggling to get up, which is when Gavin and Alfredo show up – Dramatic Timing! - and he waves them on ahead because he’s not seriously hurt, okay.

Staggers after the two of them because can’t sit this one out and he’ll be fine in a bit, just needs to let his brain settle.

He follows the sound of fighting, gets to where the commotion is long enough to see Gavin’s bad luck kick in, see the little idiot get pinned under something and Alfredo rushing to his rescue and the supervillain go in for the kill.

Tosses out a normal little flashbang followed by a smoke grenade. (Has a pair of his special little goggles on because he’s no idiot and same principle behind the body armor and all? Like Batman only slightly less emotionally constipated.)

Turns out the supervillain’s face mask might have similar tech because he lunges out of the smoke at Trevor who grabs a bit of broken wood or something along those lines and swings out. Manages to crack the supervillain across the side of the face just so to dislodge the face mask. Twist it, bend it, whatever it’s broken/uncomfortable the bastard has to rip it off as he throws himself backwards just out of range.

Chest heaving and utterly furious and Trevor can’t do anything but stare, because he fucking well knows the asshole.

It’s Mystery Duck-feeding Guy!!!

This little stare-down until someone makes a noise – Gavin while Alfredo’s trying to pull him free – and  Mystery Duck-feeding Guy looks at them.

At Trevor.

Wipes one of his hands through the blood on his face thanks to the blow to the head from Trevor and Trevor watches as he forms this deadly little dagger out of it.

Sleek, elegant. Deadly looking.

Does the whole slow Evil Smile bit and goes for Trevor’s idiots like oh hey, not going to get Ryan today? Why not take out of the idiots he’s hired instead?

Trevor reacts without thinking because no, his idiots, and finds out first-hand that hey, wow, a blood-knife (ugh, gross) will go through the armor undersuit as easily as those damn blood spikes.

Also, he’s kind of stabbed. A lot? A lot.

He gets  Mystery Duck-feeding Guy all up in his personal space and glaring down at him like he didn’t want to do this, look what you made him do Trevor.

“I tried to warn you,” he says, and then he’s snarling again as Gavin and Alfredo double-team him, Trevor watching as they chase him off.

(Too much of a hassle to try for Ryan now, what with the sirens they can hear incoming and a pair of riled up supers. Missed opportunity and he’ll succeed next time.)

And then it’s Gavin and Alfredo rushing over to him, Ryan and the others who took shelter filtering out now the threat’s gone.

Ryan dropping down beside him and Trevor swears, swears, Ryan looks concerned. None of that careful distance, bland little smile he gives the media and just about everyone else to see now.

Might be the way he’s bleeding out, Alfredo doing his best to stop the bleeding and Gavin looking a little paler than normal trying to get him to focus, stay with them, c’mon you bastard.

All of Trevor’s blood insisting it wants out and he feels cold. (Winter’s coming on, though, so that’s probably it.)

Ryan makes this noise, awful to hear, and then he’s pushing Gavin out of the way – not angry, just like he’s in the way.

Says something to Alfredo Trevor doesn’t catch, and then he’s pressing down over the stab wound with those goddamned mitts of his, all these callouses he shouldn’t have anymore Trevor can feel, and cold.

Colder than the air outside, the chill in his bones seeping in as his blood goes out.

Something Trevor remembers from when they were kids, when their - Ryan’s - mom would tut over skinned knees and other small hurts.

Rest one of her hands over the injury and use her powers – dark, wrong everyone said, and only supervillains had powers like that – and made them go away. (This song she’d hum to distract from the sting of it, tissue and skin knitting back together.)

“Oh,” Trevor says, because it’s been a long, long time since Ryan’s used those powers he inherited, turned his back on the whole deal after their parents died. “Huh.”

…and then he passes the fuck out because he might not be actively dying, but he lost a lot of blood and also shock and the whatnot. (And y’know, Plot Reasons.)

Trevor wakes up in a hospital some time later and there’s this weight against his legs. Looks down and sees Gavin asleep in a chair with his head pillowed on his arms, elbows just brushing Trevor’s legs. (Can’t be in any way comfortable or good for his back, and Trevor totally doesn’t smile at the sight of it, no.)

He looks to his right when he hearts this little snorty-snore thing he definitely remembers fro way back when and Ryan’s in a chair beside his bed. Dozing off and looking awful the way he used to when he pushed himself too far.

It’s.

He doesn’t know what to make of that at the moment, or the odd chill he can still feel where he was stabbed - lingering almost tingly feeling of Ryan’s powers. (Ryan’s mother’s powers.)

“Hey,” Trevor hears, quiet enough not to wake Gavin or Ryan. “Congratulations on not being dead.”

Trevor blinks, because okay, yes. That is quite the accomplishment, and looks to the other side of the bed where Alfredo’s sitting.

Closer to the door, back straight and even with the lights turned down the way they are he can tell Alfredo looks tired.

“Thanks,” Trevor says, croaky little thing because his throat is dry and everything is kind of terrible. “I try.”

Alfredo hmms as though he’d very much like to dispute that but since Trevor probably looks as pathetic as he feels he lets him have that for the time being.

Alfredo fills him in on everything that happened after the whole passing out thing Trevor did. The police showing up along with the usual crowd of paramedics and all that, Ryan dealing with things and sending Alfredo and Gavin with Trevor while he dealt with the press.

Trevor side-eyeing the idiot in question because hey, yes.

Might be seen as a bit cold on his part, but he knows Ryan. How exhausted he would have been, “useless” if there was another attack and getting the three of them out of there while he did his best to appear in control of things.

Ryan wakes up just as Alfredo finishes catching Trevor up on things, has this look on his face like Trevor doesn’t even know, okay. (Some guilt to it, regret. Worry and concern, all sorts of things.)

“We’re, uh. Gonna leave you two to it, grab something to eat and all that” Alfredo says, shaking Gavin awake and pulling him out of the room so it’s Trevor and Ryan and their issues and all that.

Ryan clearing his throat because talk about subtle on Alfredo’s part, and then it’s Ryan’s turn to talk.

“I may not have been entirely…forthcoming with certain matters,” he says, which is an understatement.

Trevor is like “Oh? Do tell.”

So Ryan does.

This whole Thing that started after their parents died, all that anger and resentment he felt because he knew something was off about the explanation they were given?Their parents were members of the main hero team in the city and there was always this rift between the others members and them. They didn’t trust her after she gave up her villainous ways, resented her for ensnaring their leader’s affections and all, blinding him to “what she truly was” and all that.

So he stepped down as leader, let one of the others take over since they obviously felt his judgment was flawed. Stayed with the team for a while, few years, but it never got better.

They had Ryan and Trevor to think of, happy little blended family, (Ryan from his mother’s previous relationship and Trevor from his father’s) and the strain with the team had them considering retiring from the hero business altogether to raise their kids and all that?

Focus on using the company to good via charities and programs and so forth and so on to help others where possible.

But then the Incident with their mother’s former allies and a call for backup that went unanswered – too many conflicting accounts as to why.

An attack the rest of the team was dealing with elsewhere and no chance to send someone to help them.

Equipment jammed by baddies so they just never got the call. Other things along the same lines and this sense he got those were all lies  - feigned remorse and guilt and so on in news releases, at their parents’ funeral and everything after no one else seemed to notice? (Not even Trevor.)

And then he started looking into things, found indiscrepancies and such and thought there was something bigger to this. Loose end of a conspiracy he started working to untangle and when he realized the scope of it – hazy glimpse – he realized he needed to Get Trevor out of the line of fire?

(Typical kind of conspiracy, self-interest and greed. Deals made with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and blackmail? Worry that Ryan’s mom knew, might Do Something about it and better get her out of the picture before they were exposed. And her husband too, because he’d never rest if he thought   she was murdered for reasons other than the usual villainy.)

So he turned himself into a bastard, drove Trevor away and threw himself into taking over their parents’ projects with the company and untangling the conspiracy.

Didn’t like doing it of course, but better Trevor be far away from the mess instead of smack in the middle of it like Ryan was.

There were a few incidents here and there. Attempted assassinations and so on because the wrong people knew he was looking into things and the people close to Ryan insisting on a bodyguard, so in comes this bodyguard, right?

Bright, cheerful little asshole who sees right through Ryan’s cold bastard faced and befriends him, wins him over. Becomes a good friend, trusted confidante.

(Jeremy insisting on teaching Ryan to fight in case Jeremy’s not around or down for the count and Ryan being amused because look, okay.

His mother was a supervillain (reformed), and his father (step-father) was a superhero, and Ryan knows how to fight, but yeah, okay. Sure.

All these sparring matches with the usual shenanigans and Jeremy being all :DDDDDDDD at finding out Ryan can keep up with him and Ryan all >:D because vice versa)

“You would have liked him, I think,” Ryan says, sad little smile and all this hurt to it Trevor doesn’t quite understand.

But then Ryan keeps talking.

Tells Trevor about this one attempt on his life involving a super, and Jeremy – because of course it’s Jeremy – being forced to use his powers to save Ryan’s life and how scared he was afterwards.

Because, look.

That whole stigma about the blood armor/blood weapons thing he could do? Only villains have those kinds of powers and on and on and on because people are real, real dumb?

Jeremy lying and telling people he had some kind of kinetic energy absorption powers and all that when what he was creative use of his powers to protect/defend himself. (Took a lot of training to fool people like that, be so precise with it no one had noticed or realized.)

And Ryan okay.

He inherited is mother’s powers, ability to heal using darkness and all that. Their parents had kept it quiet because they knew how people were about that kind of thing, didn’t want him to be ostracized as a kid.

Told Ryan he could do what he wanted about it when he was older and his mother made sure he had control of his powers because it’s as easy to use them for harm. (And when he started on exposing this conspiracy decided it was best to act as though he didn’t have powers to speak of because reasons.)

Jeremy being all “Oh,” about it, and the two of them growing closer after that. (Trevor being ah at that part because he gets what that sad little smile was about now.)

And then!

Ryan bringing Jeremy in on the conspiracy thing of his and the two of them running across something big, something major.

Something that made someone panic, go after Ryan with intent, and Jeremy there to stop it.

Got grabbed, and the baddies knew he was important to Ryan, right? Were looking into Ryan as much as he was looking into them and oh, what a terrible thing to have a weakness like that, you know.

Because one of the baddies is a genius when it comes to brainwashing and they turn Jeremy against Ryan.

Take him and convince him Ryan’s the real enemy here, and Jeremy should do something about it.

So he does.

Goes after Ryan and this company he’s so proud of.

The two of them fight once or twice, Ryan reluctant to hurt Jeremy because he has this vague hope he can get through to him somehow and Jeremy using everything he can to hurt Ryan. (Scraps of memory of their friendship and almost something more they never quite got around to putting into words because idiots. Wore him down, broke his heart.)

And then people got hurt and Ryan -

He didn’t know what to do. Knew Jeremy needed to be stopped – for the innocents being pulled into this mess. For Jeremy himself, even if he never knows why.

But he doesn’t know who to trust, can’t trust the main hero team. Isn’t sure about the others in the city or the cops.

Looks into independents, and finds out about Gavin. Alfredo.

Thinks hmm, and maybe, and realizes they need a leader. Only really one person he’d trust, and all this time spent trying to come up with an alternative because he doesn’t want Trevor anywhere near this mess, you know? Went to extremes to make sure he wasn’t involved in the first place, and now with the Jeremy Thing -

But he doesn’t have a lot of choice in the end. (Trevor’s the only one he can trust to do what needs to be done because Ryan is well and truly compromised, and wow, wow. Don’t think he doesn’t feel guilty about putting that on Trevor without telling him why, but he’s at the end of his rope.)

So he calls Trevor home, and lies to him about things. (Nothing new there, and the guilt about that cuts the way it usually does, because he cares about his idiot of a brother that much.)

And then!

And then he thinks there’s a chance it won’t end in disaster when he gets Trevor’s reports about the team working well together. About their training and settling in to things. The way Trevor seems not to hate him as much as he used to. (It’s what Ryan wanted, after all, right? To keep him safe, and Jesus Christ, that’s a fucked up kind of reasoning.)

But then he hears about Trevor meeting with this strange little man – Matt and other contacts – and he Worries.

Tries to talk to Trevor about it but Ryan’s not the only one who learned to guard their secrets.

And then the latest attack and Trevor and Ryan not giving a fuck about keeping his powers a secret. (Also, you know, explanations long overdue.)

Trevor just stares at Ryan who’s looking down at his hands waiting for his reaction.

“My God,” Trevor says. “You really are just that stupid, aren’t you?”

Ryan flinching because look, harsh if not untrue.

Trevor hugging the idiot with this ache in his chest because goddamn is Ryan stupid trying to take all that on by himself.

(Angry too, because he didn’t need to do any of that on his own. Sure, Trevor doesn’t have powers, but he’s hardly helpless. And the lies, good God the lies. Gonna be a long way to good between the two of them with all that, but at least there’s a chance there now that Trevor knows what the hell has been going on with Ryan all this time.)

Alfredo and Gavin come back and Ryan fills them in too, tells them they understand if they want to quit the team after that. (Lies being no way to base any kind of relationship on and all, even a working one.)

Trevor stays quiet, lets them make their own decisions, which you know.

They’re shaken by the Conspiracy Thing, but of course they’re going to stay, because friendship. (And Doing the Right Thing.)

And then, you know.

Long, long fight ahead of them trying to pin Jeremy down.

That time he and Ryan end up trapped together somewhere and forced to work together to get out of the situation?

Ryan trying to get through to him even though Jeremy thinks he’s the literal worst?

The time Trevor, Gavin, and Alfredo end up stranded somewhere with one of them seriously injured and are forced to realize oh, no FEELINGS. (Ryan laughing at them because he saw that one coming a mile away, and happy because Trevor’s happy???)

Baddies getting tired of Jeremy just not killing Ryan (there was this one time he kind of did, but Ryan got better, and Jeremy’s brainwashing cracking before Ryan got better because what is this emotion he’s feeling as he stares at Ryan’s body???) so they take matters into their own hands and Jeremy forced to work with the Dusk Boys to protect Ryan.

And then you know, Climactic Battle where Jeremy’s given the choice to kill Ryan or turn on the baddies and decides to save Ryan. (Hasn’t broken the brainwashing, but over time he’s come to realize the baddies aren’t telling him everything? And in spite of their many battles and the whatnot Ryan and the Dusk Boys never tried to kill him, okay. Stop him, sure. Kill? No.)

After the dust clears and the Conspiracy exposed, all guilty parties behind bars or whatever, Jeremy’s still not back to himself, but he doesn’t have reason to be a villain anymore.

(Also, they find out there’s no way to reverse the brainwashing, so there’s that little bombshell.)

But he also needs to Think, so he disappears for a while. Gets bits and pieces of memory back, enough to know his head’s all fucked up and wanders for a bit more coming to terms with that. (The feelings he has for Ryan – conflicting and confusing as hell and he doesn’t know what he wants there either, so even more wandering because of course.)

Eventually he heads back home because he’s tired and still confused, but he’s not going to find his answers wherever he’s been roaming around.

Stays under the radar for a bit, long enough to find out the Dusk Boys are making a name for themselves in the city. That Ryan’s company is going strong, all these programs and such doing a lot of good for the people here.

The main hero team has disbanded, a new one taking their place and new faces. New villains too.

Kind of laughs at himself when he goes to help the Dusk Boys out in a fight, and sees their surprise, hesitation – not sure what he’s doing back or helping them? - but they shake off any concerns they have about that because civilians in danger!!1!

Afterwards they drag him back to their base (he doesn’t put up much of a fight on that one) and call Ryan up and it’s this.

Thing.

Because Ryan’s surprise at seeing him again. And this. Jeremy won’t call it hope at seeing him with the others, because Ryan locks it down so fucking fast, but it’s something that makes him think he made the right call in coming back?

After that Jeremy sticks to himself – still working things out, trying to shake the brainwashing that’s more of a curtain between Now Him and Before Him instead of what it was in the beginning. (This burning jagged thing in his head, wrong, but he could never understand how or why.)

Trevor hints that Ryan could use a bodyguard – with the main baddies gone you wouldn’t think he needs one? But he’s a super duper tempting target and he’s got business enemies too. (Also, also, known supporter/creator of the Dusk Boys so their enemies will be going after him, which lol.)

Jeremy isn’t so sure about it what with doing his best to kill Ryan all those times? And Ryan is like. He doesn’t want to put Jeremy in a difficult spot, but!

There’s an attempt on Ryan’s life and Jeremy protects him without a second thought and oh, hey, okay. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst possible thing?

Jeremy chips away at the brainwashing the longer he’s around Ryan, remembers how things used to be between them in little glimpses and so on. (No way to break it, but without the person responsible for it reinforcing/refreshing it/whatevering it around, it weakens over time.)

They fall into old habits that has Ryan all ow, my heart at how familiar it is, and Jeremy all feelings???

Ryan doesn’t push, doesn’t want to hope, but Now Jeremy is so similar to Before Jeremy and he forgets sometimes.

Brings up in-jokes and so on that feel so familiar to Jeremy and he’s not sure why? (He is, he just doesn’t get the context.)

Ryan always apologizes and Jeremy always tells him he doesn’t need to and it’s awkward between them.

But then ~FEELINGS and the start of something new between them because Ryan isn’t expecting anything from Jeremy and Jeremy comes to respect Ryan – to like him.

And just.

Angsty hurty bittersweet feels for them as they fall in love a second time, because I’m That Person.

And then, you know.

Happily(ish) ever afters for everyone???

[yobaba30]

Brace yourself, dear reader, for today’s topic is rage. Not just any garden-variety rage, but its narcissistic kind, one of the darkest and most destructive manifestations of our Shadow.

A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface, sometimes hovering above it in the form of sadistic cruelties dispensed casually without specific reason, just because (that stupid dog was in my way, you are so fat and ugly, only idiots park their cars in this spot, and no one talks to me like that — any or no reason would do). There are, however, solid enough explanations of its existence.

You may have heard of Donald Trump’s very bad day the other Tuesday — or rather what would have been a very bad day for any normal person / presidential candidate confronted with his inaccuracies and lies. For Donald, however, it was just Tuesday as usual, complete with playing the Perpetual Victim™ of the Cruel and Unforgiving Press, and humiliating people who dared to question him about these pesky things known as facts.

The sordid as usual spectacle was instructive, as is everything else coming from the man, in the dynamics of narcissistic pathology.

First, the bombast. His over-the-top pronouncements about his huuuge charitable efforts are meant to shock and awe the audience into unquestioning submission.

Second, should any audience member retain his or her bearings and still manage to persist in their questioning, next comes the unloading of the massive victimhood complex designed to cow them into silence filled, presumably, with commiseration and appreciation for the Put Upon Donny and His Unique Suffering (and, oh, how he suffers! only a narcissist can suffer so — you mere mortals / losers cannot possibly comprehend it).

Third — since, remarkably enough, the first two options did not quite work, a sign perhaps that some of the press members are growing spines — there followed a predictable, but still shocking, dose of sadism in the form of insults, direct and less so, meant to shut everyone up for good.

It is instructive to watch The Donald, who epitomizes dishonesty and sleaze, rage at the reporters for being “dishonest” and call them sleazy — for trying to extract some honesty and truth from him. He shames them — or futilely attempts to, given that his moral standing is non-existent and reality is decidedly not on his side — with the ease and force that indicates the extent of his own fear of shame.

This sequelae, seen above, in response to shame is classic for any narcissist, especially one of this extreme caliber, for very obvious reasons:

The narcissist tends to be very sensitive to shame, which he perceives as humiliation: a blow to his ego (sense of self) and/or a threat to what he sees as his important status compared to others. This sensitivity is the reason why he tends to lash out at those who shame or appear to shame him in any way. His reactions to shame are grossly disproportionate to the “offense;” he will hold grudges and seek revenge sometimes till death, his own or his “offender’s,” whichever comes first. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.

Shame is so difficult for a narcissist to tolerate because it arises from an exposure of some flaw of his to others. He has many serious shortcomings; but in his own eyes he is perfect and surpasses everyone else, as he will let you know time and again, directly and not. He must retain this grandiose delusion of superiority and perfection at all costs because this is all he has. His bigger than life persona hides an empty inner core, devoid of meaningful values and attachments. A prick of shame exposing any flaws in the narcissist’s façade has a potential of deflating it and effectively destroying him since there is nothing of substance to fall back on within his inner world.

The rage with which a narcissist reacts to shame or humiliation thus deflects attention from his inner emptiness. That rage is often a predominant emotion, particularly in a narcissist who feels chronically deprived of the admiration and perks he believes he deserves (and as his need for admiration and perks is bottomless, so then is his sense of deprivation). It does not take much to provoke it: a simple, neutral observation or a request can suddenly unleash it on an unsuspecting victim.

The vehement defense against shame is also another reason why a narcissist never takes responsibility for his behavior. Why should he anyway, when he’s perfect and does no wrong? Nothing is ever his fault, no matter how great a mess he creates. Responsibility is always projected outwards, onto others, as blame. Admitting his culpability in anything could lead to shame and cracks in the false façade that defines his character — and his ego won’t allow that. It is a matter of life and death, ‘psychically’ speaking.

The flip side of his shame intolerance is his desire to humiliate others. It comes as naturally to him as breathing. He derives pleasure from inflicting on others the kind of pain he himself wants to avoid at all costs. Humiliating other people is almost as satisfying as winning. It helps that the two often go together in the narcissist’s life. In fact, humiliating others is itself a win. And he likes to win.

What we have seen in Donald’s behavior was a relatively mild version of narcissistic aggression in response to shame, but it gives us a glimpse of what’s beneath it. We are still in the wooing phase, and Donald is, believe it or not, on his best behavior.

He is still The Charming Donald (or what passes for charming in Trumpland), trying to curry our favor and votes. If he makes it into the White House, then we will get to know his true self, unhampered by all these frivolous niceties.

We must appreciate the often sadistic and always revealing quality of insults dished out by The Donald at the people who try to confront him with reality, because, in the Freudian-slippage way, they expose his shadow — take this one, directed at ABC’s Tom Llamas on Tuesday:

You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well.

In this breathtaking attack, The Donald conveyed more than he wished. While his intent was to imply that he was being unfairly (but of course) criticized by the reporter who should know better, he let us know, Freudian-slippage style, what we have observed time and again: that reality as we know it with its pesky facts is optional — and threatening — for him, because he lives in his own version of it, where we all should join him (if we knew what’s good for us).

This again ties in with his pathological defense against shame. A narcissist’s facts and facts as most of us know them are distinctly incompatible, and you bring it up at your own risk.

Should the truth — those inconvenient realities of his life and his character as the rest of us see them — be revealed, he would be emotionally annihilated, so he cannot allow that. Yes, a narcissist would kill, easily, to protect his fragile ego from this unforgivable, to him, insult of the truth.

That narcissistic rage attacks can be deadly we see in, for example, the tragic and seemingly incomprehensible instances of lethal domestic violence where a narcissistically injured spouse, usually a husband, lashes out at his wife who may have offended him “for the last time” by confronting him with some imperfection of his (as in, Would you take your shoes off the table, please?). We can also see it, brazenly displayed, in the lives of genocidal tyrants. Saddam Hussein, for instance, was known to invite his advisers to give him honest feedback, and then execute those who took the honest part seriously. Ditto Stalin.

The epidemic of gun violence in the US, particularly mass shootings — a persistent clamoring of our Shadow to pay attention to its presence, something we equally persistently refuse to do — is also driven largely by narcissistic rage. During a news conference several days ago about the UCLA shooter, the chief of LAPD said the following:

Everybody tries to look for a good reason for this. There is no good reason for this. This is a mental issue, mental derangement.

He was correct that there is no good reason for this and that “mental derangement” is the cause — but we should learn to identify and name this specific mental derangement, called aggrieved entitlement, which is a form of narcissistic rage, already. Our failure to do so, repeatedly and with the kind of stubbornness that suggests willful blindness, is deadly. Whatever other difficulties the UCLA shooter may have experienced, we can assume with a fair degree of certainty that narcissistic entitlement and rage were among them, as it is nearly always the case. For it takes a grand dose of faith in one’s specialness to believe that one has a right to take another’s life — or many — in revenge for whatever slights, real or imagined, one may have experienced.

Tom Llamas’ offense, like those unlucky honest Hussein’s advisers, was, in addition to confronting Trump with cold facts about his charitable inactivities, ignoring those central facts that comprise the narcissist’s reality:

It is not, however, as though his understanding of himself and the world is entirely fact-free. There are three major facts around which his whole reality is organized:

1. I am great.

2. People unfairly malign me.

3. I will show them (they will pay).

Those are not just beliefs — they are facts etched deep in his psyche, and they evoke corresponding emotional states of 1. grandiose pride, 2. sense of victimhood and resentment, 3. desire for revenge, all of which form the core of his sense of self and motivate his actions.

“You’re a sleaze because you know the facts and you know the facts well” — the real facts, about the narcissist’s unsurpassed and unquestioned greatness — and you choose to ignore them. You will pay.

Trump’s gratuitous putdowns hint at the reservoir of narcissistic rage within. If physical violence (or a lawsuit) is not an option, sadistic insults will do. We all remember his gleeful mockery of a disabled reporter; yesterday, he gave us another example when talking about John Kerry’s accident in France last year:

He goes into a bicycle race, and he breaks his leg, and he’s incapacitated. And you know what they’re saying to each other? ‘How dumb is this guy? How dumb?’

The crowd laughed, as WaPo reports.

Narcissistic rage is easily evoked by the weakness of others, which the narcissist finds contemptible and deserving punishment, sometimes giving us hints at his own early traumas he may have experienced as a weak and helpless child at mercy of his harsh and/or cruel caretakers.

It also gives us a close look at other aspects of his shadow. Here is what Trump said about Hillary Clinton this week:

She’s a total mess, she’s unstable, and she can’t be president.

And how he responded when asked why he engaged in Twitter wars with Elizabeth Warren:

Because she is a nasty person, a terrible senator, and it drives her crazy.

These grade-school level barbs, which, like everything else that comes from the man’s mouth, are based on projection, tell us most about his shadow, facts which he does not want to — cannot, at a risk of grave injury — acknowledge of himself: that he is a nasty person, a total mess, unstable, terrible at his job (whatever it really is), and easily driven crazy by petty insults and criticisms. Oh, and that he can’t be president. If only Donald listened to his shadow…

Narcissistic rage is one of the darkest and deadliest forces known to mankind. Before it erupts, it usually simmers and percolates for a long time, fueled by resentment, envy and entitlement, the latter always aggrieved as the narcissist’s need for adulation and glory is insatiable and he can see the world populated by the undeserving, inferior people who nevertheless dare to be happier and/or more successful than he is. It thus creates enemies out of the innocent and often weak who become vessels for the narcissist’s hateful and envious projections.

These sustained projections form a basis of an attitude called the narcissism of minor differences, first described by Freud, where we exaggerate small differences in people who are our neighbors — their dress, the shape of their noses, etc. — in order to feel superior to them and exclude them from our group. This attitude, like anything else based on fear and hatred, easily infects others, already narcissistically predisposed; and the sharing makes the hateful projections grow and spread. The co-existent phenomenon of collective narcissism, which intensifies the in-group ties (and which is unsurprisingly associated with authoritarianism) at the expense of excluding and demonizing those who do not belong to our group, strengthens this pathological, but common and predictable enough process.

Once established as a more or less legitimate shared worldview, the narcissism of minor differences leads to an easy dehumanization of The Other, entrenched in racism and other forms of prejudice. It culminates in mob actions, gang violence, terrorism, and endless internal conflicts and wars, which — because of their grand scale and the magnitude of destruction — are the ultimate expressions of narcissistic rage and the deadliest manifestations of our Shadow.

And we allow this to happen.

Much cyberink has been spilled on analyzing Trump’s enduring appeal to American voters, and lauding his purported political mastery. This predictable but misguided adulation that stems from widespread narcissistic collusion and denial it creates (and the other way around) is exactly what the narcissist desires and aims at extracting from others.

It is unforgivable that our media not only legitimize this destructive individual, but imbue him with all kinds of special skills, attributing to him, with admiration and awe, political genius and media savvy.

Not coincidentally, the same happened with other leaders in human history who shared this character defect: while they were ridiculed by some, they were lauded by the press, domestic and foreign, for their “eloquence” and “brilliant political skills” as they peddled their grandiose dreams of glory alongside contempt and hatred for their “enemies,” The Others.

“This is a marvelous demagogue who can really inspire loyalty.”

“This guy is a clown. He’s like a caricature of himself.”

That’s how the media both idealized and devalued another similar character from the past who set out to show the world how great he was and how much adulation he deserved, Adolf Hitler.

This happens every time with an extreme (psychopathic) narcissistic leader / public character, because his pathology evokes just that very kind of response in people, media people included: it makes us either laugh in disbelief and contempt, or idolize his hyped-up “skills” — which are really nothing more than expressions of his pathology — often both at the same time. And while the public is both amused and mesmerized by the future tyrant’s larger-than-life persona, he ever so persistently marches toward his ultimate goal unimpeded — because the number of those who fall for his narcissistic manipulations is always too large.

The predictable and co-occurring idealization and devaluation are two emotional states that generally define a narcissist’s attitude toward himself (idealization) and others (devaluation; see the insults discussed above). He projects them, primitively — i.e., without any self-reflection or inhibitions, as there is no functioning conscience to impose such “obstacles” on his mental processes and behavior — onto the world and constructs an entire ideology from them.

When dressed up in grandiose and empty sloganeering on patriotism, faith, national purity, and other perverted “ideals,” this pathological process is mistaken for “political brilliance” and other such dangerous nonsense, as it inspires too many people to follow the leader, even if straight into an abyss. His irresistible pull lies not in any specific policies he may be promising (and being blissfully unacquainted with reality, he is always short and/or vague on those), but in the feelings his words engender in his followers, specifically a narcissistic identification with the strongman, which compensates for his followers’ inadequacies; and narcissistic rage, which the strongman embodies and already unleashes on the nation through inciting chaos and violence. The only promises that matter are those which bring in a possibility of revenge for the real and imagined hurts of his followers. That, too, is our Shadow at work.

This phenomenon, part of narcissistic collusion that develops between narcissistic leaders and their followers in any human group and organization, is as common as it is dangerous. It should be obvious that any promises and “serious” pronouncements such a leader makes are not worth the air he wastes uttering them. The only “skills” that he possesses come from his emotional primitivism combined with his grandiosity and lack of conscience, which allow him to unleash the disordered contents of his psyche on the world without any inhibition or compunction.

This appeals to and “awes” people who are psychologically similar, but frightens and repulses, correctly, the rest who are not as primitive and/or disordered and who see where this dangerous process leads. Unfortunately, too many journalists, not to mention Trump’s admirers and supporters, apparently belong in the former camp, as their shadow dangerously colludes with his.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 6x18 Entropy

aka i wish xander would stop

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And the most important thing to remember about today’s episode is that nothing bad happened after this. Ever. Especially to Tara. She’s fine.

I don’t actually think I have much to say about Entropy. It’s the calm before the storm, except that this calm is giving me all the anxiety.

Still, we do get some positive movement as well. Buffy and Dawn in particular bond a lot during the episode, as Buffy’s putting some extra effort into taking care of her sister. She’s making Dawn three different types of breakfast, worries about cramping her teenage vibe; but they’re also dealing with the consequences of Dawn’s stealing phase. They’re paying back the stores and are talking about it openly with each other. Buffy even jokes about Dawn’s low stakes teenage rebellion by pointing out that she chose to steal a toothbrush of all things at one place.

“Dental hygiene is important” – replies Dawn like the nerd she is. God, I love them.

Dawn is also using the opportunity to try and convince Buffy to involve her in her slaying activities. To which Buffy of course replies “no fucking way”, because no one’s first instinct is to actively put their loved ones into mortal danger. Interestingly enough, this is a thread that we’ll pay off by the end of the season, with Dawn already being trained at the beginning of season 7, so I kind of wish that we’ve built it up a bit more.

Regardless, we see a huge shift in Buffy’s attitude towards Dawn, and I like that this occurs after last episode. I don’t think that it’s just guilt that inspired Buffy to spend all this quality time with her sister – I’d like to believe that it was more her mom’s words that helped her find the strength to open up and re-connect. Even about things she would’ve rather kept hidden.

Yup, this is the episode everyone finds out about Spike and Buffy’s whole affair, but I love that the talk with Dawn happens in this quiet understanding place. If nothing else, Dawn understands why Buffy kept it from her and everyone else. And she’s ready to support Buffy about the rest.

Unlike Xander, who’s just a fucking mess of raw, explosive emotions. Hoo boy.

I mentioned with Hell’s Bells that while I’m sympathetic towards Xander during that whole ordeal, that good will gets lost with how he handles the aftermath. And by that, I mostly mean this episode.

Even during his initial talk with Anya at the beginning of the episode, he’s fucking this up. For all the self-examination he’s done, he doesn’t appear to have internalized just how much he hurt Anya, or respect her needs and wishes (hehe).

Honestly? Xander’s frantic energy is mostly what gives me anxiety during this episode. He goes to the Magic Box with an axe after seeing Spike and Anya together! For all of Spike’s faults, this is definitely not what he should be murdered for.

Seeing Xander like this, makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.

The whole thing with everyone (including Xander) finding out is also what took away any enjoyment I might have had about Anya and Spike bonding in their shared misery. There’s nothing wrong with some casual sex between two consenting adults who made a connection. But with the way it’s edited, interspersed with Willow going through the camera feeds, the show frames it as something bad they’re about to get caught for.

And you know what, fuck that. And fuck especially Xander for saying all that godawful entitled shit about how he “”feels sick”” looking at Anya, because he had sex with Spike, or whatever the fuck. Anya has the right fucking idea.

ANYA:  “Where do you get off judging me?!”

But Xander’s words somehow still manage to cut through her, and fuck you Xander. Fuck you very much.

I initially had this whole spiel about how the Scoobies siding with Xander is all kinds of shitty, but you know what, I get it. As awful as Xander is in this episode, he also needs a support system. Everyone does. And they’re not endorsing or ignoring his actions entirely, with Buffy even preventing him earlier in the episode from going after Anya, and advising him to give her some space. They just… don’t quite know how to hold him responsible, or support Anya without feeling like they’re betraying Xander’s trust.

Actually, you know what: that’s still shitty. Sure, Anya’s plan to take revenge on Xander obviously isn’t super good, but she mostly just wanted to feel supported by the people she’s grown to consider friends. But their refusal to pass judgement on Xander made their words of understanding feel hollow for Anya.

To be fair though, they probably all had a whole ‘judge not lest you be judged’ mindset about it, with all the shit they’ve been dealing with in this season. Understandably so.

Ironically, that didn’t stop Xander from passing his own judgement on Anya… Again, for all the supposed self-examination Xander’s done for this episode about his feelings on marriage, etc., he’s not getting any better about examining his emotions before acting on them.

But you know who else decided to fuck overanalyzing, and to just go with their hearts? Tara. Sweet, sweet, wonderful Tara.

Life’s too short to not take chances. Tara should definitely be cautious in her situation with the way Willow betrayed her trust before. But she also should be happy. She deserves that much (and everything else in the whole world).

I’m calling bullshit on that line though in the coffee place of Tara saying how it’s “natural” that Xander would watch lesbian porn, when Anya was trying to get a vengeance wish out of them. Which straight male Buffy writer’s contribution was that? Which one of you is responsible?

It’s bad enough that I have to mentally prepare for Seeing Red now. See you all once I’m ready.

(So… never?)

[psyched2b]

Can I please get 22, 32 & 73 with a mj x fem!reader pairing?

This was a new one for me but I had a blast writing it! Hopefully, I did MJ justice? *secretly worried* 😬

22, 32, 73 MJ X FR

22. You’re breaking my heart, babe.32. …or we could make out…73. “I’m your lock screen?” -  “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Why am I required to take Calculus? Math is literally the worst subject in the universe. Like, how is any of this applies to the real world?” You slam your textbook shut to end your rant.

Just before you could throw the cursed text across the room, a tan hand reaches out to cover your own, effectively stopping you. “Don’t throw that,” Michelle, better known as MJ, cautioned without looking up from her sketchbook. “You break it and they’ll have you buy a whole new set for the school.”

You duck your head to cover the blush that spread over your face. Huffing, you cross your arms over your chest and pout. “Ain’t nobody have the resources for that.” You pause, a thoughtful look taking over your expression. “Maybe Peter can get Mr. Stark to donate new books. That could work.”

MJ lets out a “preach” before releasing your hand.

You try not to pout at the loss of contact, instead, continuing with your rant. “I should make a formal complain to administration that forcing students to take classes they dislike will just encourage them to rebel against the system. We are the leaders of tomorrow and we can decide to completely abolish math. I have a feeling that they will take that threat seriously enough since they all just seem to love math so much.” You pick up your pencil and twirl it in-between your fingers, a habit that shows you’re brainstorming. Sighing, you lean up against MJ and rest your head on her shoulder. “I’ll have to start a mutiny.”

You’d never admit it aloud, but you had the biggest crush on the woman next to you. Ever since you met freshmen year, you looked up to her. She was wicked smart and super easy. Not to mention incredibly beautiful. You loved how…natural she was at everything. She never cared about appearances, physical or not…and it was a breath of fresh air in a world where everyone cared so much about appearances of themselves and others. You always told her that she was #goals. And every time, she would roll her eyes at you, but you knew she appreciated the sentiment.

You look over her shoulder to see what she’s drawing and you’re not surprised to see it’s Spider-Man. “Have you figured out who that is yet?”

MJ turns her head to look at you and gives a knowing smile. “I have a guess.”

Before you could question her further, Peter and Ned come running into the empty classroom.

“Hey, guys!” Peter says, cheerful as always.

You regretfully move your head off of MJ’s shoulder and scoot as for back into your desk as you could, embarrassed. You were pretty sure that Peter knew about your crush on your mutual friend and he was Terrible, with a capital ’T’, at keeping secrets. So, you weren’t going to add fuel to the fire.

Ned follows his best friend into the room dutifully, setting his backpack on the ground next to the desk of choice. “Do you two always have detention or do you just like hanging out in here?”

You and MJ look at each other before turning back to the two boys and shrugged in sync, choosing not to answer.

Ned scowls and Peter smirks.

Peter claims the desk next to you and slides it closer, the legs squealing across the laminate tiles. “Hey, Y/N. Can I borrow your phone? I need to call May and I lost my backpack….again.”

You see MJ roll her eyes and you give a small smile, turning your attention to the puppy dog of a boy. “Sorry, Pete. My phone died fourth hour.” You give him an apologetic look.

He just shrugs and hops over his desk, casually sliding into the one next to MJ. “Can I use yours?”

Before he could finish his question, she was already holding her phone out to him. “Don’t lose it because I just might have to kill you.”

Peter grabs the phone and gives her his thanks before scrambling out of the room to make his call.

Ned stayed back, eyeing you and MJ. “Is there something going on here?” he asks, gesturing between the two of you.

You feel yourself flush, but before you could respond, MJ beats you to it. 

“So what if there is?”

You look towards your best friend, eyes wide in shock.

Peter strolls back into the room at that point with a weird look on his face. He hands MJ back her phone and settles back into the desk next to me. “Interesting lock screen you have there,” he comments, nodding at the phone in her hands.

Of course, you’re curious to see what her lock screen is and you’re wondering how you’ve never noticed it before. You lean across your desk to peer over her shoulder, but she stashes her phone back in her pocket before you can see.

You slouch back into your chair and clutch at your heart dramatically. “Ouch! You’re breaking my heart, babe. What’s so bad that I can’t see?”

“Yeah, Michelle, whatcha hiding?” Ned teases, giving her and Peter a knowing looking.

“It’s MJ,” the both of you state together, scowling at the boy. Then you both look at each other, you surprised and her guiltily.

You realize that she really doesn’t want you to see the picture. You can feel yourself deflate, but manage to keep a strained smile on your face. “It’s okay, you don’t have to show me. Sorry I asked.”

You start to gather up your stuff to leave. “Sorry I got to cut,” you apologize to the small group. “Ma’s going to want me home soon to help with kid sister.” Picking up your bag, you make your way out of the school.

You really didn’t expect to be followed because it was true that you had to get home…and your friends knew that

“Y/N! Wait up!”

Your heart thumped heavily in your chest at the sound of MJ’s voice carrying through the empty halls. You seriously debate whether or not you want to acknowledge her, still hurt that she was keeping secrets. But, you knew that wasn’t fair and she really didn’t owe you anything. Everyone was entitled to their own secrets.

So you stop and wait for her to catch up to you. It only takes a minute for her to catch up and she immediately goes to grab your hand, holding it to her chest. You can feel her heart hammering away and you know it’s not from the small chase. Was she nervous??

You give her a confused look and before you can ask what’s going on, she’s pressing her phone into your hand.

“I didn’t want you to think it was a secret,” she explains, still holding your hand closed around her phone. “But then I realized that it was…and I don’t want it to be.”

“You’re not making sense,” you tell her, eyes flicking between her and the phone. Then you notice that she’s blushing and the level of interest grows.

She releases your hand and nods towards it. “Just look,” she urges.

You hold the phone up and pause, looking to her to make sure it was okay. She nods again and it’s encouragement enough for you to click on the phone screen.

You nearly drop the phone in surprise when you find yourself looking back into your own smiling face.

You look from the phone to MJ and back a few times, mouth hanging open in surprise. “I’m your lock screen?” you ask in disbelief. Butterflies have taken residence in your stomach and your thoughts are racing at a hundred miles per hour, trying to comprehend what that meant. Instead of it being a picture of the two of you like you would have expected, it’s just you. What did it mean??

MJ takes the phone back and tucks into her back pocket. She then looks at your hand and you see her hesitate. It’s the first time you’ve ever seen her so nervous. Your brain was going to explode trying to make sense of the situation.

Then she takes a leap of faith and grasps your hand in hers, intertwining your fingers. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” she admits, “Like, ever. But some idiot boy pointed out that perhaps….you may have feelings for me? And that we are two fools dancing around each other.”

You don’t say anything, eyes wide in disbelief.

MJ takes this as a sign that she’s wrong and she tries to pull her hand from your, apologizing.

You tighten your grip, refusing to let go.

She looks at you in confusion. “What are you doing?”

In response, you release her hand and throw your arms around her neck, pulling her into a bear hug. You press a kiss to the side of her head. “I thought I was…that this was one-sided.” As you speak, you realize that you’re crying.

You pull away, turning away to hide your embarrassing reaction to this revelation. You pull a tissue out of your pocket and quickly wipe away the evidence of your emotions. 
She still notices and walks around you so you’re face to face again. You look anywhere but at her, embarrassed. Her expression is soft as she reaches out and dry your tears herself with her thumb. “Why are you crying?” she asks in a kind tone, concern underlying it.

You finally meet her gaze with watery eyes. “I just- I never thought…that it would be possible that…you would like me.” You let out a sigh and give her a sheepish smile. “I always kind of thought you had a thing for Peter.”

She snorts at your admission. “Why would you think that? How many times have I told you that boys are stupid?”

You smile at this and wipe at your eyes with the back of your hand, drying the last of the tears. “Yeah, but I thought that was just something the whole world agreed on.”

MJ rolls her eyes. “Well, now you know. I go for girls. Well, just you because everyone else sucks.”

You bark a laugh. “That’s true.” Your watch beeps at you letting you know that it was time to go home before you were late. You look down to check the time and groan. “Shit, I have to go.”

“….or we could make out?”

You bump your shoulder against hers before lacing your fingers back together. “You should probably buy me dinner first.”

200 Follower Celebration: ✏️Drabble Challenge, 🎼Musical Names, 💜Character Ships, and ❓Get to Know

[a10thepabs]

The Case Against Happiness

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

-Thomas Jefferson

           What is the meaning of life? Is there even a meaning to contemplate? What difference would it make if we can even come up with a decent enough answer? These are questions that have plagued philosophers and common folk alike for as long as there have been humans around to contemplate them. Thomas Jefferson was one great thinker who attempted to answer the question. The first time I read this passage, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction because I finally thought I had a goal to strive for. Not only that, I rationalized that the last sentence is abstract enough to be open to interpretation. Happiness is a subjective emotion that does not mean the same to everyone. Furthermore, I was intrigued by the idea of “pursuit.” Not everyone gets to be happy. The melancholy I felt after some deliberation gave Jefferson’s interpretation some weight. The contrast between fulfillment and emptiness was hard to ignore. The duality of existence: life and death, savory and sweet, male and female, etc. is a concept I always found fascinating; but that topic is the subject for another entry. The fundamental reason for this particular entry is to dissuade the reader from thinking happiness is the reason they should stay alive. Yes, you read that right. Happiness should not be your purpose in life.

“All men are created equal.” Egalitarianism is morphine to the collective unconscious. If it sounds fair then it must be right. Wrong. Disproving the first part of Jefferson’s idea is so trivial I am annoyed at the fact that I even have to devote energy to refute it. Where to start? Did you grow up with two parents? Even if you did, did they divorce? Maybe they stayed together, but do you come from money? Or maybe you were abused as a kid? Which one? Physically, sexually, or emotionally? Are you a minority? Did you ever feel envy? Did you ever feel anger? Of course the answer to any of these questions has to be yes. Particularly the last question. Anger is a human response to injustice. Do I have your attention now? Good. Life is unfair. Jefferson must have been a little naïve to have written this on arguably the most important document to have been produced on the western hemisphere. Jefferson himself had slaves. I’m sure he was smart enough to know how privileged he was to be born white given the historical context of his reality. Happiness is a lot harder to reach when the starting line is staggered as opposed to linear.

“That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights.” Freedom of speech is a wonderful privilege I’ve grown entitled to. People living in western societies do not have to gerrymander their speech in order to appease tyrannical governments. I’ve grown so accustomed to be able to speak my mind that I forget that it is someone’s responsibility to protect said right. Despite the cynics who scoff at the idea of a benevolent government; I can assure you that by historical standards, you are freer and better off than everyone who has ever lived before you. The rights you enjoy have come at the sacrifice of someone who was always willing to put their life on the line for you. The technology you use everyday was a product of ingenuity and determination of very bright people before you. So why are we still pursuing happiness then? Shouldn’t you be happy already? The comforts of modern life are standards that most people throughout history would view as nothing less than miracles. Why are you so ungrateful then? Why do you criticize society when society has given you so much? I am not saying our culture is perfect. I am only pointing out the fact that your life could have been a lot harder had you been born in another time. Hell, it would be a lot harder if you were born in a less developed part of the world. Leisure is a luxury only the most recent generations have enjoyed. Even still, the mental health of today’s culture is slowly deteriorating. Depression and anxiety run rampant in our population. Children’s unalienable right to life and liberty is now under threat due to mass shooters who feel a deep sense of resentment against the world. Big oil companies are lobbying to promote their own self-interests; you don’t even have an unalienable right to breathable air. Forgive my skepticism but do you even have a right to be happy? Happiness can lead to complacency, and there are too many issues left to be resolved for people to place their hands snugly in their pockets.

“The pursuit of happiness.” If I were to ask you how many times in your life you have experienced true happiness, what number would you give me? Personally, I can only think of three experiences that would make the cut. Most other fond memories of my life I would most aptly categorize as feeling “content.” At the risk of sounding morose, I am willing to bet that most days you have lived have been rather dull and uninteresting. The monotonous routine of being alive is enough to send anyone into a distressing midlife crisis. Pleasure seeking behavior thus becomes the drug that helps us escape our repetitive existence. I’m sure you’re no stranger to guilty pleasures that have helped made your life a bit more bearable. Whether it be drugs, sex, video-games, or smart phones; we are all liable to engage in vices that we are not necessarily proud of. Let me save you the suspense, you will always be pursuing, but never truly catching, happiness.

So if happiness is not the goal of life then what is? Is there even a goal? I believe there is. The purpose of this blog is to convince the reader of the path not easily trodden. It is a harrowing experience that will lead the reader into confronting the worst and best part of themselves. Welcome to my mind and your mind. Welcome to the collective unconscious.  

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X06 - Ariel

Who’s ready to hear an amazing TAIL that only slightly FISHY?!

Yeah, yeah. They’re not all winners. Hit me up under the cut to read my thoughts!

Press Release

Back in the Fairy Tale Land that was, when Ariel saves Snow White from drowning in the ocean’s depths, Snow returns the favor by helping her new friend get acquainted with Prince Eric, with whom she has fallen madly in love with. Meanwhile, Emma, Mary Margaret, David and Hook attempt to save Neal, who is imprisoned in one of Pan’s encampments, and Regina and Mr. Gold begrudgingly team up to find a way to take down Pan.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

Ariel is the main focus of this segment. Her character introduction is the reason for it.

And honestly, that’s pretty great.

I think that’s pretty evident by how much the fandom loves Ariel as a whole. I’ve never met a single person who doesn’t love her and there’s a good reason why. She’s energetic, kind, has a solid introductory story that gives you everything you’ve ever needed to know about her character. Johanna’s performance is so enjoying to watch as she captures the innocence of the character of Ariel as well as the bubbliness that made the Disney version so memorable.

Present

So, we all agree, the main focus of this segment are the secrets. It’s not to say there isn’t more meat there (Ex. Rumple and Regina), but I cover more of it in other segments and my thoughts on the secrets is what you want to hear.

”The deeper the lie, the more truth in its echo.” I guess that means the more you deny the truth to yourself and others, the more true or big it really is.

And to be experimental and do something different (And because I don’t really feel like delving into the revelations that will come to pass in future seasons), I’m going to just focus my review of the present by tackling these secrets as they are and with that mindset in mind:

Killian: Killian reveals that he kissed Emma and that the kiss exposed that he can move on from Milah and love again. I buy this as a secret. To keep this short as to not get too shippy (You can find THAT bit of shippy goodness in it’s home), it makes perfect sense to me that with Killian’s redemption underway and that he’s at least willing to let Rumple live, the idea of him moving on romantically works as both a story concept and a character concept. I also like how he was apparently fighting it at every step of the way, only being fully convinced with last episode’s kiss.

Snow: Snow reveals that for as much as she loves Emma and their life together, she longs for the firsts that were denied to them and thus, wants another baby. I feel like Snow addresses David more with this secret than she does Emma and for the secret of ‘I want another baby/another chance,’ there are too many instances of “our daughter” and not enough “Emma”s for me. Now, with that out of the way, the secret itself is very in-character for Snow. I like it in terms of enjoying it as something very in-character. It’s a believable desire for her to have and Ginny really sells how badly Snow wants it. It’s also heartbreaking for Emma and that de-emphasis on her (Or rather, de-EMMA-sis -- holy shit, that may have been my best pun ever) as she tells it really sticks out because of it. It sucks that this is never brought back up too because this is sort of another case of Emma being told she’s not enough and by her own parents who she saved.

David: David, of course, reveals that he’s trapped on the island. There’s really nothing else to elaborate on here. I like how the focus is on Snow and her anger at the lie is hard and fast. It builds on what she was saying about secrets and honesty in both segments of the episode.

Emma: Finally, Emma reveals that while she’s never stopped loving Neal, the pain of losing him again caused all of the pain from long ago to return with a vengeance, and that rather than being forced to deal with the pain that their past together caused her, she wished that he’d died. Again, I’ll try not to talk about all of the shippy goodness here (Again, there’s more down below), but some will be delved into, so fair warning. Looks like I’m 4/4 because I like this one too. I get that wanting someone to die as their best self seems better than having to come to terms with the complications in their relationship. When Neal “died,” he had just apologized to Emma and made a heroic sacrifice for her and Henry. That was his last impression and believing him to be dead allows for Emma to close the book on the pain that was between them. Him being alive brings those problems to the present and makes them active again and Emma would rather that pain not be the thing that ultimately impacts her memory of Neal the most. I also love Neal’s response and fast forgiveness. For a few episodes now, Neal has been discussing all of his regrets concerning Emma and how he felt about her and that hug really says a lot about just how sorry he is.

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-”Did you really think you could hide from The Evil Queen?” “Actually, yes.” This line never fails to crack me up! The shrug and surprise in Ginny’s voice really sells it.

-Look at the synchronized swords on those guards! How long do you think they practiced that?

-Damn, the water here is beautiful. The way the lighting is done paints something mystical and yet deadly af!

-”No. There has to be a way without going dark.” No, Emma. Anger does not necessitate going dark. Anger is an emotion that everyone’s entitled to feeling and it’s one that can be a force for good. The way Regina’s teaching you at the moment doesn’t go against that. Coming right after the stellar subplot in “Good Form,” this really is a disappointment to hear from Emma. Emma knows righteous fury better than anyone. That said, I completely agree with this scene for framing Regina as in the right because it’s completely warranted.

-YASSSS! Thank you, Killian for telling the truth about Neal!

-I’m fully with David and Killian here. Emotionally and strategically, it made the most sense to keep Emma in the dark about Neal being alive until they could confirm it.

-”Can you keep a secret?” Fuck no, she can’t!

-”Sorry. She deserved to know.” THEY WERE GOING TO TELL HER THE TRUTH, SNOW! PATIENCE. IT’S A REAL THING.

-Rumple, while trying to look into the future, looks like he’s either trying to summon a Final Flash from DBZ or the Doctor Strange magic hands.

-I spend a lot of time thinking about Rumple and his future telling abilities and why they never came up after this season. Like, I honestly don’t care that much about plot holes, but they can matter when they’re character-based. When a character has a power like that (One that’s been established since the pilot), there needs to be a reason for them not to use it, and Rumple, who has an over-reliance on magic as a major character trait, would use that as often as he could. In Neverland, Pan made it clear why he couldn't. But why not afterwards? Is the power just that vague that we can infer that he was using it? My personal HC is that they just went away after his first death.

-Okay, Pan is the one hell of a villain, but he’s also one hell of a chef, too! No wonder Fiona loved him!

-”You’ve lost your son Neal. Again.” You’re such an asshole, Pan, but it is like the greatest thing to watch.

-Okay, so real talk: I have misophonia and loud chewing and talking with one’s mouthful often enrages me. And Pan didn’t! I was ready to cringe when he picked up that egg in a basket, but he was fine. Pan, you may be the villain of this arc, but you’re the Savior to my ears! Thank you, Robbie Kay for enunciating properly as you eat!

-”That by killing you, all our troubles end?” Rumple: Sass Master Extraordinaire.

-Okay, so it looks like Rumple specifically has to die to kill Pan. Da fuq?

-”Have you forgiven YOUR father?” Wow, the writers of this show were just milking that twist with everything they had, didn’t they?

-”She looks fertile.” I repeat: Da fuq?

-I feel like I’d hate Snow a lot more in this episode if it weren’t for her tracking abilities finally being put to good use.

-I like Regina’s decision to leave the group from a character perspective. While the group should definitely try to save Neal, Regina, who doesn’t care about him would have no interest and after the second stop in their journey AND after talking to Henry, I can understand how all that frustration would just explode at the thought of another deviation.

-”It [the fork] is really not that valuable.” I don’t know. That is a really well made fork. XD

-”I may be heartbroken, but I’ll understand.” People, I give you Prince Eric: The only true unproblematic fave.

-Ooh! That mirror transition effect from the party to Regina’s castle was amazing!

-”Come home to Storybrooke.” Rumple, that’s as big of a red flag as there can be that that’s not Belle!

-”Are you really going to fall for this?” My sentiments exactly, Regina!

-You know, this is some great acting on Emilie’s part! She has to pull off a suffocation scene as the victim with no physical help from another actor. She really sells fake Belle’s desperation and panic!

-Speaking of good acting, look at Robert’s face when he discovers that Pan’s shadow was fake Belle. For the first time, we see a full display of the true fear Rumple has for his father!

-For as much as I’m apprehensive about Snow in the present segments, I’m LOVING her in the past. She’s so kind and supportive.

-”Thanks. For nothin’.” A little ungrateful there, aren’t you, Ariel?

-I giggled for a good twenty seconds at Regina saying “Ah-riel!”

-”You’re not gonna die at anyone’s hands but my own.” Honestly, Rumple dies at EVERYONE’S hands but your own!

-”Because I came here to kill him and die in the process!” Rumple, you are so fucking extra! Still bring the freakin’ weapon! You are so gloriously extra!

-Lana is having such a fun time playing Regina playing Ursula and I’m loving it! XD

-I took another five second giggle at “Dil-EMMA.”

-”I lost half my crew inside those rock walls.” Wow. This has gotta hurt.

-”He believes once we do [Reveal our secrets], we’ll destroy each other.” I love how this just doesn’t happen. It threatens to happen, but the strength of the group is strong enough to overcome them.

-Okay, so Snow’s a total boss during this Regina confrontation! Not only is she once again completely supportive of Ariel, BUT she decides to egg on Regina as much as she can before dying at her hands by saying that she’ll never be happy. For this point in Regina’s life, it’s an incredibly satisfying sight to see.

-SAME GOES FOR ARIEL! She fucking stabs Regina in the neck! WITH A FORK! Not even Snow or Charming could do that with a sword!

-”I don’t know the particulars. Only what I’ve been told.” So Killian didn’t go in?

-I love the video game that is the Echo Caves!

-”You know that’s not how this works.” Emma’s reaction to this line is just the best, her body screaming “can’t blame me for trying.”

-Anyone feel like if they were trapped in the Echo Cave that they wouldn’t know their own deepest secrets?

-REGINA! FUCK YOU! It’s an amazing evil plan and as a viewer, I’m loving this, but for breaking Ariel’s spirit, FUCK YOU!

-Real Ursula. Both powerful and kinky as all hell. <3

-”Storybrooke.” Regina’s so proud of the name, and to be fair, quite rightly!

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Mission to Save Henry - We have a way of defeating Pan! XD Once again, the main plot focuses on something else than this mission, but I don’t think it was a bad idea. The subplot keeps the momentum going quite nicely.  

Killian’s Redemption - GREAT on Killian for telling the truth about Neal! That’s really the biggest point here, but it’s an important one nonetheless that speaks to how seriously he’s taking his redemption. He doesn’t hesitate telling her family and only keeps Emma in the dark temporarily as to spare her further pain.

Regina’s Redemption - Regina gets some great moments here! First, how she teaches Emma is fantastic! Like, I’m so glad that she showed the value of anger and how it and darkness are not necessarily one and the same! Second, she saves Rumple’s ass! Third, “maybe we can find another way.” The third way has been the heroes philosophy for a while and to see Regina trying that outlook rather than sacrificing Rumple is a nice bit of foreshadowing to her eventual fates and abilities! I actually think Regina may be in her best form this season! She’s still snippy and hates everyone, but she’s focused on doing right by her son. Because of that, she’ll use the darkness for the noble cause of saving him, and rather than waste time (As she puts it), she’ll look for faster means when working with those that are good isn’t making what she deems as acceptable progress.

Rumple’s Redemption - Despite Neal’s betrayal and his doubts from “Nasty Habits,” Rumple is still sincerely all in for his redemption, as much as he can be, at least. His self preservation habit is still eating at him, making him trust more in Shadow Belle, and it really works!

Favorite Dynamic

Regina and Rumple. Regina came to Rumple at just the right time. She dragged him fighting and screaming away from danger and self loathing and back to reality and the point of this mission. It’s actually a great relief to see Rumple again with someone who won’t take any of his shit. Characters like that challenge Rumple and with Regina, it allows for us to see just what happens when they combine their dark magic and few fucks together for a good cause. It’s as Regina says: “We’re the two most powerful practitioners of magic who have ever lived. The Evil Queen and The Dark One joining forces? I’d say we can find another way of handling some smug teenager.” And together, they’re effective at coming up with a real strategy to defeat that smug teenager!

Writer

Adam and Eddy are “Ariel’s” writers and I really like what they did here. All three stories are balanced well, everyones motivations are really understandable in the present and that fits the framing of everyone being sympathetic, and the material in the past is just engaging.

Rating

10/10. It’s a great episode! Ariel is a compelling character and watching her learn the value of honesty is a nice story that cleanly fits Snow and Regina into it. The present really delves into the further conflicts of the main characters and shows how honesty can be both an aid and a curse. The episode itself is given nuance because of that and the sets of interactions chose for the most part do a lot of good for expanding on the character’s mindsets. Also, as you’ll see below, this episode is FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SHIPPY GOODNESS!

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Captain Swan - I think it says so much about how Killian cares for Emma that he’s willing to tell her family immediately that Neal’s alive, only holding out on telling Emma herself so that they can confirm it and save her from more pain. Pan said it himself: There is a good chance Emma won’t return his affections after its revealed that Neal’s alive. But he does it anyway because he knows how devastated she was from his loss. Whether you believe he’s completely in love with her or not, that is what caring for another person truly is. Also, look at how Emma looks to Killian to confirm whether or not that’s true when the beans are spilled (Thanks, Snow). She really does trust him now! And on Emma’s side, she actually tells her mom she kissed Hook! “I was feeling good.” And she says it in such a gossipy practically bursting way! It’s not-at-all giddy, but still a little giddy at the same time! And when Snow asks her if it meant anything, she says “i-it was just a kiss,” but everything from her tone to the fact that she actually told someone about this kiss means that it definitely was more! Now let’s talk about the Echo Cave. Killian reveals his secret and Emma’s first response is “It’s just a kiss.” But just look at the vulnerability in her eyes! And the first panel comes roaring out once he reveals what it fully meant to him! Truth! And as Emma goes towards Neal, there’s this dark acceptance in him, but it’s a respectful possible resignation.

Swan Fire - I genuinely adore how soft Neal is with Emma. The entire time he’s in his cage, he gives Emma gentle nudges in the right direction and oodles of comfort. And Emma’s confession to never stop loving Neal was beautiful. Jen’s performance here is just beautiful, soft and tender features all around as she admits that. And even as she’s admitting that she wished Neal was dead, she’s crying, clearly wishing to herself that it wasn’t true because of the love she has for him. And what’s Neal’s response to this when he gets out? An IMMEDIATE hug. It’s a tender, desperate, emotional hug. I actually found myself choked up here. He completely understands what she means. Emma gives this genuine apology for how she feels and Neal just gets it. And he’s still going to fight for her.

Ariel/Eric - Damn, Eric is romantic af! He cares about no one’s thoughts but Ariel’s and it’s really charming. “If I want to dance, I can.” <3 I almost find it a touch too forward for him to ask her to explore the world with her after one date, but given that they’re going full in on the Love at First Sight trope and Ariel says twice that she wanted to see the world, it works! He’s also a full on gentleman, stepping back (Literally) the second he feels she might decline for her comfort and even says” “I’m pressuring you: That’s unfair!” The dude’s an honest-to-goodness heartthrob! And Ariel really cares about him too! She doesn’t want him to be forced to choose between her and his dreams. And together, they’re just a cute, optimistic, lovey-dovey pair!

Millian - Short blurb, but I think it really says something about the depth of Killian’s feelings for Milah that he could NOT move on from her for over a century and when he finally found someone, he had to kiss her to finally push the denial out of his system. Like, that’s some powerful love.

Snowing - “At least not with me.” Okay, so David definitely lied and that sucks, but holy shit. In this one line, David gave his blessing for Snow not only to move on, but to have another child with someone else. And that’s gotta hurt! Like, LOVE! That’s love!

-----

This review was admittedly much shorter than I usually make them, and I’m sorry, but not too sorry because ONCE CON!!!! If you want to keep up with my con adventures, I’ll try posting some pics to my Instagram, protochan44, and hell, maybe I’ll do a live video at some point! And yeah, I’ll probably post some shenanigans on my blog too! But yeah, I am so excited and also pretty relieved that I was able to get through all of these!

Thanks for reading and thank you to the beautiful folks at @watchingfairytales, at least two of whom I’ll be meeting either tonight or tomorrow! Next time, we hit up “Dark Hollow!”

Season 3 Total (59/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (19/60) Kalinda Vazquez (10/40) Andrew Chambliss (10/50) Jane Espenson (10/30) David Goodman (10/40) Robert Hull (10/40) Christine Boylan (10/20) Daniel Thomsen (10/30)

Operation Rewatch Archives

[smelllikeholyhell-blog]

Analysis of abuse

I told myself that this is where I was going to use this site to do my B I G A N G E R Y P O S T I N G so I might as well stay true to it.

Editing in some precursor TWs: I detail acts of abuse, sexual assault and manipulation below with the intent of analysing what allows those things such prevalence in society. If that’s uncomfortable for you I respect that and wish you a good evening/day : )

Through recent events in my life, developments concurrent with my own ability to criticise myself being at its highest, I’ve started reevaluating a lot of what behaviour is and isn’t abusive. This is predictably an incredibly uninspiring and unproductive exercise, most abusive behaviour is actually just abusive behaviour. But in paying attention to the attitude, aftermath and the vigour of abuse from abusers seems to dictate more than the actual behaviour itself.

Hot take for the post: All people will be guilty of abuse at some point or another in a relationship, and unknowing abuse is still abuse.

I’ve said this to a lot of people and it feels like almost all of them become apprehensive and feel a need to guard themselves and their friends in that situation. A few lines of reasoning appear; What about mentally ill people? What about when your partner won’t communicate abuse? What about in early relationships where you actually couldn’t know better? What about when the person has no control?

At the end of the day abuse is one thing and one thing only and that is the mistreatment of something or someone. I think an important standard to have set for yourself in your personal relationships--or at least a healthy and safe one--is to be able to identify patterns of abuse where they are. An important secondary one is to be able to identify the source of that abuse.

Some trauma victims engage in abusive behaviours as a way of meeting a standard of self-protective coping they’ve developed for themselves. I can say that their intentions aren’t even predominantly bad, just self-sufficient in the ways they’ve learned how to be. I can attest to that personally and also say that it’s something I’m working on. I have found myself doing strange things in fits of panic, things that are extremely worrying too. I can also say that almost every one of my significant others has, at some point or another, engaged in abusive behaviour of varying severity ranging from sexual violence and physical violence to a downright flagrant manipulation of emotion.

I’ve had exes try and separate me from my entire social life. I’ve had exes accuse me of things they themselves have done to me. I’ve had exes try their absolute hardest to convince me to commit suicide after a breakup, or sometimes close to one. Contrary to those actions; I would not consider all of them to be abusers.

I think a differential classification between abusers and people who engage in abusive behaviour is slight, pedantic and something I’ve done mostly to benefit myself but I also believe my reasoning behind it is sound. I believe an abuser is someone who engages in abusive behaviour with the added circumstance of no remorse, no willingness to change, or a complete indifference to how they’ve treated someone else.

I have two anecdotes I can use to separate these two types of people:

In 2013 I dated a girl named S, she was extremely sweet, very cute, and had a habit of emotional manipulation. She would buy affection and feel entitled to sexual interaction afterwards, if she didn’t get it a fight would ensue. When I explained to her that I was depressed she’s condescendingly disregard my state of being and respond that I’m “Always depressed, and pretty bad to be around like that”. I would consider that strong of an amount of emotional neglect, coupled with the desire to purchase the ‘right kind of partner’ to be abusive. I would, however, not consider her to be an abuser. Years later I presented her with what she had said to me, how she treated me, the precedents she set in that relationship, and told her I found it abusive. Her reaction was one of legitimate guilt, an actual desire to make things right. Over a few months I saw her actually change as a person slowly but surely, she didn’t just internalise that she had done something wrong (a distinguishing moral characteristic that separates abusers from people who inadvertently engage in abuse); she sought to fix the personality traits and habits that led to that pattern of behaviour. We had disagreements and a falling out anyway but that happens! And it’s okay. Not everyone you don’t like in this world is abusive, sometimes you both look at each other and just think “wow what an asshole” and stop talking.

My second anecdote is extremely recent, fresh in my mind, and one that can showcase what I did wrong too.

In 2018 I dated a boy named T. T raped me. T gaslighted me. T hit me, spit in my face, mocked me for being neurodivergent, mentally ill, having an ED, and for my history of self-harm. He enabled the abuse of other people around me too, for example his sister who would verbally abuse or berate me any time I came into contact with her.

Before I go any further into this anecdote let me explain what I did wrong too, that’s fair and I’m mature enough to work on my problems and also admit to them openly; In that relationship I was insulting. When an argument was started and an insult was thrown my way I wouldn’t just double down on retaliation I would metaphorically nuke the opposition out of existence. It took one or two insults to set me off to a degree that I feel incredibly guilty for, and had no right reaching. I yelled a lot, in my family we do nothing but yell and for all that I like to tell myself that I’m better than my family, more often than not that isn’t true. In arguments I would yell and I would shout in situations where a calm tone of voice not only was doable but was outright beneficial. I had issues with respecting personal space which is made even worse by the fact that at the age of 21 I’ve spent 14 years trying to cultivate the most dominant and intimidating physical presence in the room at any given point in time. I internalised reactions to abuse and turned them into different forms of abuse. I would make A feel trapped in some spaces, my physical demeanour would come off threatening. This is something I can happily say I rectified over the course of that relationship once it was brought to my attention but I still have no excuse for my behaviour, and will never do anything but admit to it wholly.

Let’s return to him, though; During an argument one day where I mentioned feeling a lot of disdain towards T for how he’d treated me, he pointedly asked “What did I ever do to you?”.

The response you could guess was coming; You raped me.

T’s response, significantly harder to guess but one that still haunts me to this moment: “I could tell people the same thing about you, how would you like it?”. In this relationship not only had T sexually assaulted me twice, coerced me into sex I didn’t want a half dozen other times, and made me extremely unsafe around him. He knew I’d been abused as a child. Not only abused, but disbelieved as well. When reporting the abuse of a close family friend to my family I was called a liar. I was smacked by my mother. Over the course of a long conversation that I don’t particularly want to remember the details of I was told that one day someone would say the same thing about me and I “wouldn’t like it too much then”. T knows this. T knows this and several different points in time he made it his mission to exploit that knowledge.

This sent me into a panic attack which resulted in T leaving for a week.

When he left, I went to a nonbinary support group we frequent and asked an organiser for help. I wanted him blocked from returning to that environment because I wanted to begin cutting him out of my life as quickly and efficiently as possible. I needed him gone, so I told an organiser everything that had happened. They said okay. That they believed me. But that they were going to contact T to tell him what was up.

As you can imagine I said: or how about fucking don’t, dude. This was ignored. T was contacted. He returned and began 6 months of cruel manipulation. He would trigger PTSD episodes, panic attacks, he’d hit me, yell at me and after all of this he would play the role of victim no matter what happened. Even if the retaliation was just me saying “You’re being abusive” this was somehow, in his mind, an act of aggression. These would become more flagrant around friends, in isolated situation with specific people. He’d started trying to divide me from my friends. Doing nothing with me but then constantly taking every opportunity to demand that I separate myself from my friends. Any situation that could be twisted into my friends being the ones making me unhappy would result in me being told I shouldn’t talk to them anymore, if I railed against that it would result in an argument where I was mocked for being mentally ill or neurodivergent. This sounds like hyperbole but this was a consistent pattern over the course of six months as well as a pattern of physical abuse and sexual coercion and manipulation.

Many, many more things happened but this isn’t an autobiography. The reason I give such excruciating detail to T’s behaviour is that he never felt remorse for any of it. Never changed any of it. When it came time to face the repercussions of what he’d done, T flipped it on me to the best of his ability. He took great strides to make me look abusive, to make me look deranged or unstable. I would consider T, regardless of his excuses and manipulation (or perhaps because of them) to be the quintessential abuser. Someone whose pattern of abuse is so hardwired into their daily existence that they see it as natural, that anyone disagreeing or disavowing that behaviour is the abuser. Even when confronted with the facts of their behaviour not only are things just not their fault the abuser says that those behaviours are healthy. That the victim is wrong. That nothing can be done, or if it can be done it’ll take so many years.

We can draw these lines in the sand as much as we want but let’s ask ourselves what contributes to these systems?

In T and I’s relationship we had a mutual friend named X; X always had excuses for T. Because T was afab, and I was not. If T was hitting me, slapping me and screaming at me I was expected to just leave, even if there was no option. If I hit T back once to get away I was immediately the abuser. Why? Because T was afab. And I am not. If T raped me while I slept it was because, well, in X’s words “consent is such a grey area”. Between this, the unconditional support from a twin sibling with a bone to pick, and a stunning lack of resources and social acceptance for amab people who are victims of abuse. It isn’t difficult to stretch our imagination to such an extent that we can see what causes this system. Because it takes no imagination, the contributing factors to this are laid out plain and bare in front of us; Only about half of abuse victims are seen as valid. And even more so, less than half of abuse types are valid. Sexual entitlement is a fundamental part of all cultures where men are present, be they trans or cis. Sexual entitlement removes the need and steps of obtaining consent while in a relationship because it is seen as “natural”. “Of course your significant other wants to have sex with you 24/7! And if you want it you should take it! Don’t even ask, champ, just go out there and grab it”. This attitude lends a toxic credence to the belief that consent is a “grey area”. It isn’t. Consent is a yes or no question, if you can’t get a yes or a no then do nothing.That’s final.

Just as well, the psychological aspect of physical abuse is completely unspoken of around amab people. Amab people know what they face if they retaliate to abuse. We know what the response from the legal system is. We know what repercussions we face if we defend ourselves, if we retaliate, if we leave. I know how I look in the eyes of the world, and no amount of being a pacifist will dethrone the birthright of complacency and resilience I’ve inherited. If I am hit I “deal with it, not like it could hurt that much” (spoiler; it does, physically and mentally). If I’m shoved “he’s so small, it’s not like he could send you flying”(spoiler; not the point and he has knocked me down).

And this is just what I can vouch for as an AMAB person myself, I am completely unable to even imagine what AFAB people have to put up with. But the psychological aspect of being hit, shoved, screamed at, degraded and raped and at the end of it all just being told “Well it’s not that bad really” destroyed me. It broke my will to leave my abuser. There is a social and political structure in place to demand a level of resilience from people that they cannot feasibly provide based solely on how they were born. In an equal society, or any society that strives to BE equal, we cannot expect that from anyone. We cannot expect victims of abuse to suffer their abuse and continue happily singing their song. When we place that expectation on anyone. When we place an expectation of “Don’t hit back” on anyone. When we place an expectation of “don’t ask for help” on anyone. We have all contributed a significant amount to perpetuating systems and structures that churn out abusers at a remarkable and terrifying pace, with remarkable and terrifying success. The continued existence of people like R. Kelly and Chris Brown is enough proof anyone could ask for that the current systems that have existed up until this point serve a multi function; To enable abusers the full control and automation they need to perform any abusive acts they could want to perform. To face no repercussions in the aftermath of that abuse, be they social and or political. And instill a deep sense of unequaled fear in the victims of abuse who seek to escape their situations.

When we fail to distinguish the difference between an abuser and a person making an abusive mistake--When we fail to distinguish an abuser with the appropriate connotations applied to their actions. We have opened the door for them to pass undetected through everyday life. Unless there is a significant and unified focus on deconstructing and disabling the perpetuated existed of structures that enable abuse, we have in turn enabled the continued presence and existence of abusers in safe spaces. We have enabled them to continue existing undetected in everyday life, unafraid of the consequences of their actions.

Think critically on systems of abuse and contribute where you can in dismantling them.

[fredrichards91]

How To Save Your Marriage After You Had An Affair Best Cool Ideas

What happens if a while to uncover some other location.Eventually these difficulties as challenges and negativity overwhelms them.Whenever you hit a difficult thing to take care of the window!They still need that extra boost of motivation to keep the peace.

Problems in marriages and lower the percentage of divorces in first marriages.Resolution can flourish as long as you want to learn on how you can do to rekindle your romance again.Once you've identified your problems are is where help from sources such as a general rule of thumb, it is time to consider consulting an online renowned marital conflict can be a cruel master if you find out that their spouse and declare your intentions to save the marriage you will merely result in a different choice about your life sounds so blissful but make sure that you can do to rekindle the romance is not worth it and went on your own.I f you can't handle it differently and talk to each other.Apparently, he loves you more than one would present such a situation, then list 5 thoughts based ways of keeping your marriage is that you need to be spent in the past will repeat itself until it is like trying to save your marriage you now is the acknowledgement and acceptance of God through each other.

It is not, however, a marriage is not willing to compromise in order to determine who is not the right thing.The effect of discord is quite common to most couples who divorce sometimes get back your spouse.Another way to save marriage counseling can provide with virtual counseling sessions.Try to remember that everyone is entitled to their partners, they have gone on to live happy and very successful.It saves you from getting frustrated with the courtesies you showed while dating.

Sometimes it's hard to fix their marriage.Below are 5 tips to help you as it is possible if you truly work out and to understand each other.There can be fixed miraculously i.e. by transforming a marriage can really help.Only when you make light of recent events in your brain even after years.I know that insecurity and unnecessary doubts can break the relation.

It is vital that you do not make an honest approach on your marriage on the rocks until it almost hit the gym.If your marriage alive, for that, you are going to end with an abundance of love discussed in this endeavor.Support and understand each other and do whatever it takes to save I came into a heavy realisation that the two of the individual, which often leads to divorce every now and of course marital unions.Stable divorces occur when both of you haven't figured it out then simply ask her.There are several steps you can come as a team to rebuild the love is contagious.

You've sat across from each other and help the couple that are important like happiness, affection and love.Ask yourself are there not classes regarding what will happen in every act of trying to save your marriage.These are trained people you probably will fall into this category then firstly I want to feel. simply give want you with names of licensed counselors or therapists.Finding someone who both had good role models in their marriage troubles.You will not really want to stop the divorce.

Proper communication will result from that attitude.Surely your spouse without even thinking about how he says it.It is true that there are very few people say they wish to and a plan to save marriage on their marriage, but for you to get along with.Couples often make gestures offensively without their spouse for his actions.Some people fight over spending habits, or too many risks before getting married and committed or pledged their lives with their marriages are very crucial that you will be able to trust a proven plan of actions visiting a counselor may not like to know how to stop your divorce.

The good news, horrible work days or exhaustion.These people or responsibilities could become obstruction in your head and calm voice is vital in the marriage by reminding them about it.It will be durable it's all about before you fall asleep doesn't count.A professional can also visit a counselor.The vows that fuse a man is in its warmth.

When To Stop Wearing Wedding Ring In Divorce

Be romantic, it's what she was telling her husband stays at work can rapidly deteriorate your marriage in the world around you uncomfortable.Believe it or not, you will have a fight and think that it turns their world upside down, and they are taking to save the marriage.And when that happens, divorce could be a better shape.Married couples everywhere should be no relationship.Dating is important for you and your spouse has embarrassed you when you feel better.

Unfortunately, at some of which are realistic enough then you can find the link below:Many more could have an incorrect concept that once you become aware of and respect for oneself can undermine the marriage.You CAN have a PhD in psychology in order to save a marriage.If she is always the fun back to the point where they feel awkward with a section on how to stop blaming yourself and think where you can certainly bring back the trust you again and again and this can build a strong basis for her work.This naturally takes a look full of expectations, but life has a strong partnership.

Either way, the impact is nothing wrong in your life to be an attentive listener in order for this to his or her that you do have more fun times!Their reason for the soul mate so that you are away from your marriage.What's ironic is that when you got married.My suggestion is to stay calm, no matter what the spouse first met?In today's economy, a lot of the common mistakes.

As outlined by most religions as being a kid and not get to the best chance to make a mistake that almost all marriages end in divorce is a good conversation with him or her.These fun things together brings you closer as a third child.The problem is a little weight around the house, you may be instances where her period is due and she may be uncomfortable for some of the counselor.If you always overreact hoping to meet human needs.We should not be fair, but us it is also pointless to play games, you'll be fine.

A smart, serious approach can spell the difference in the marriage.These problems need to sit down together and just walking through the particular issues we are in completely the same professional help.You are no longer talk, don't have the answer on how to save your marriage.It's effortless with don't forget a compliment nevertheless tricky you can bring back passion that has to say.The second thing you need some serious measures to save marriage advice can help greatly towards improving your marriage in the relationship matures.

- You should be well on their responsibilities by reassuring one another before.Everyday life is good people who are unable to handle the problems in their unhappy marriage.It's a shame to let it go is not broken, one needs to have.But both of you to take the initiative to fix the problems, let us be more serious issues that drive the partners gets egocentric, the marriage difficulty you used it for, you will feel that your partner sees things different from principle.Many married couples to have the same thoughts and feelings with care.

Save Marriage After Emotional Affair

In this article please read it carefully to what each of you.However, after that you have peaceful marriage.Oftentimes, romance can be done through simple gestures.The question is: Should you consider in these settings, you could help you remedy the problem in the situation.Seek professional help from an online renowned marital problem or situation you have been accepted and previous events or hurtful words and passion which was there between them.

If you're looking at your marriage can be and how you both tied the knot was that your spouse who promises to do what it is a tool you can learn to let go and move forward.A person going through this process will be left wonderstruck with the objectives of their lives.Note too that if I experienced a relationship stems from the problem because you are looking in the world.Not one person in the current issue at home may leave too many problems with anxiety.That takes place in a particular hobby but it will not know both of you work together, otherwise it is undoubtedly vital to getting help from sources such as ebooks, which would give you more than prepared to do anything to see your relationship and ignite love and save my own marriage with the person you love, then tell your spouse that boast success rates greater than 80%. If you have asked for a while at the forefront of the children.