#and yet several of the races I've mentioned here made it to a list of my all time favourite races I posted *yesterday*. so now what hm

[batsplat]

hello, i have a question. what is the difference betwwen a hard and a dangerous racer? is there some sort of characteristics like how succesful a racer is or is more of a "a dangerous racer races on the limit and that's dangerous. a hard racer races on the limit but. its just a hard racer". thank you for answering!

completely in the eye of the beholder, I'm afraid. it's a perpetual debate, and one where everyone draws the line differently... very much a case of one man's dangerous manoeuvre is another one's hard but fair overtake... that being said! I'll have a go at coming up with a general framework with which people assess this stuff

let's bring in two strawmen, which feels like the most direct way to illustrate the possible stances you can take on this debate. to be clear, nobody really fits neatly in either ideological category - but, well, these are pretty much the two most extreme positions anyone could have:

when people are describing something as 'hard racing' (as opposed to... idk, 'clean' racing), they are usually talking about a) contact between the two bikes, and/or b) an action that forces the other bike to take evasive action. what constitutes forcing evasive action? well, this is all very nebulous and hard to define - there's crossing another rider's racing line, making them pick up the bike mid-corner, forcing them wide/off-track, not yielding in situations where one of you will have to yield to avoid a crash... but this is always an assessment that will depend on the specific circumstances. not every block pass is considered hard racing, for instance, even though you are quite literally 'blocking' the other bike. contact is the more straightforward one... if you initiate a move that leads to contact, then most people would agree this is 'hard' racing

so say you are in the 'A' camp. according to this line of thinking, pretty much every contact is 'dangerous' riding and should not be allowed. here's what gibernau said about jerez 2005, included in the sete post:

let's not discuss the merits of the jerez 2005 move specifically here - this is an expression of a broader ideological position. "this is not a contact sport" "it's not about hitting another guy"... so, according to this stance, actions that knowingly result in contact should not be acceptable and as a result need to be penalised. taken to the logical extreme, any and all 'hard racing' is dangerous

let's go to the other extreme, 'B'. let's say you're very pro-hard racing, to the point where you think that contact is more than fine and that it is unreasonable to call it 'dangerous'. sure, of course it is dangerous, but inherently all motorcycle racing has a lot of risk attached. racing that involves contact is basically acceptable. even within this extreme, my lovely venn diagram allows for some actual 'dangerous' riding - either behaviour that is wholly irresponsible during races... or stuff that doesn't count as hard racing because it's not 'racing'. here are some examples:

stuff that happens during races but is like... egregious misbehaviour. cf romano fenati pulling a rival's brake lever during a race - obviously dangerous and no longer really exists within the confines of actual racing

in either races or non-race sessions - not following proper safety procedures like for instance ignoring yellow flags. again, should be pretty obvious why that's dangerous

poor behaviour in non-race sessions,the general tag for not exhibiting appropriate care, awareness for your environment, all that stuff... the extreme example is marc barrelling into the back of another rider after the chequered flag had been waved in friday practise at phillip island 2011 (more on that here). it's also things like faffing about on the racing line, see the pecco mugello dramatics

so, yes, everyone will agree that there's some stuff that counts as 'dangerous riding' that's distinct from 'hard racing' just because it's not actual racing. that's the most straightforward stuff... but yeah, anyway, those are basically the two extreme positions you can take. you can say that all contact is bad and dangerous, that any time you're forcing another rider to take evasive action and are making a pass that isn't 1000% clean, you are putting others at unnecessary risk. or, you can say, hey, everything goes, rubbing is racing on steroids - sure, there's a small category of things that aren't acceptable, mainly stuff that isn't actually racing, but otherwise you should be allowed to brute force yourself past riders whenever you please

obviously, they're strawmen for a reason. basically nobody holds either of these positions in their entirety - and in race situations, there's always going to be actions that are seen as hard racing by some and as dangerous by others. so, unfortunately, we're going to have to dig a little deeper here, and figure out by what metrics people draw the line between hard and dangerous. let's... hey, how about we bring in casey stoner, just this once. as a treat. here's what he said after laguna '08:

“I’ve been in hard racing all my life, some very aggressive racing, but today was a little bit too much. I nearly went in the gravel so many times and I don’t think it was necessary.”

hard racing? casey's done that before. some very aggressive racing? no issue. but what valentino did at laguna was "a little bit too much" and not "necessary". the specific thing casey cites is nearly going into the gravel - and indeed, forcing other riders wide/off-track is one of the types of racing behaviour that most finely straddles the line between 'hard' and 'dangerous'. for other examples, see suzuka 2001 in which biaggi forced valentino off-track and valentino flipped him off when he eventually got past (a few more details here), qatar 2012 where marc forced luthi off-track and got slapped after the race (here) and sepang 2015, where... uh. you know. or how about argentina 2018 where... look, I think you get the point - plenty of controversy comes from forcing your opponent's bike into places where it's simply not supposed to be

while we're at it, let's throw in a little excerpt from casey's autobiography about the race:

A lot of it was fair racing, he was out-braking me on the inside and riding better than me around a lot of the track. If it had all been like that I would cop it sweet. But a couple of moves off camera added to my frustration. I risked running off the track, and racing at the limits like that as we were I even became worried about my safety.

(does have to be said that the pair of them spend... relatively little time off-camera, never when the bikes seem to be particularly close - but of course the problem this statement creates is that by definition you can't judge any footage you don't have access to)

so, let's strip away the details and think about what casey is actually talking about here. it's a risk/reward calculation. this is what's at the heart of this riding standards debate: what level of risk is acceptable for what level of reward? there are situations in which there is inherently a higher level of risk in a way that isn't caused by either party - influenced by the circuit layout, what the weather is like, how hard you're both pushing aka how much on the 'limit' you are, and so on. but even if that risk isn't your 'fault', if you are riding at very high speeds on a dangerous track, you can still be considered a dangerous rider if you're not exercising appropriate levels of caution

so, let's break it down even further and try and come up with some basic criteria by which people judge whether a specific move is 'hard' or 'dangerous'. how about this: (1) does the action have a reasonable chance of coming off, (2) is the risk you're taking proportionate to the reward, and (3) is the move likely to cause serious harm to you or the other rider. let's take them one by one

listen, it needs to be plausible that you're going to be able to pull this move off. if you're firing the bike from fifty miles back into a gap that doesn't exist, then this is by definition an unnecessary risk. you are not going to do yourself any good and you are also not going to do the other rider any good. (sometimes it might be in your interest to crash the other rider out so you might as well, but unsurprisingly this is frowned upon. see the 1998 250cc title decider.) obviously, this is going to be affected by your skill level - if you're a mid rider, there will be fewer moves that are 'plausible' for you than for the best riders

this is basically the common sense metric. if you are riding in a pack, make sure to keep in mind that crashing in this situation could get ugly. if you are fighting for p5, maybe a different approach is fitting than fighting for p1. if you can make an overtake a lap later as long as you're patient, in a way that's a lot safer than doing it now, perhaps just do that instead. don't be silly in the wet! this comes down to stakes, whether it's worth it, how likely the move is to succeed... and also what the consequences would be if you got it wrong, for both yourself and other riders. you're making an overall judgement based on all of those factors... sometimes you need to take risk, but it's better to make sure that risk is reasonably sensible

however high the potential rewards are, there's a certain level of risk that is no longer acceptable, where the 'risk/reward calculation' stuff has to be thrown out of the window because the reward no longer matters. this is basically the catch-all for 'wholly irresponsible riding' - anything that's just going too far

so, uh. obviously everything described above is super subjective... but that's what people are judging in my opinion, this is the standards they are using in their head to determine where they draw the line. so, as an example, to bring back the stuff from this post about the inter-alien ideological differences:

and again, this is also what the debate after aragon 2013 was about:

if you think aragon 2013 is unacceptable to the point of being dangerous, then you probably take quite a hard line view and think pretty much any action that could lead to contact needs to be stamped down on. while that contact did have unpleasant consequences for the other party (dani wasn't able to walk for several days and his title bid was basically over), it is perhaps a little worse than could have been reasonably expected in that situation. in that sense, there's a bit of surface level similarity with jerez 2005... there, valentino made the pass for the win at the last corner, knowing he would probably bump into sete while doing so. neither rider is knocked off their bike (though sete has to leave the track) and it is at a slow corner, with relatively 'light' contact. unfortunately, as a result of where valentino's bike impacted sete's body and sete's preexisting shoulder issues, it ended up injuring sete (see here for valentino learning of this perhaps a little later than was ideal and only after he'd taken the piss out of sete for dramatically clutching his arm). at aragon 2013, marc was harrying dani and sticking very close to his rear tyre as he applied pressure to his teammate before he made a small misjudgement, getting his braking a little wrong and clipping the back of dani's bike. he happened to cut a crucial wire in the process, causing dani to highside a few moments later

these aren't equivalent situations and each have their own risk/reward profile. but the basic point is this: inviting contact with another rider will always generate more risk, and can always have unintended consequences... even when the action is relatively innocuous and the rider would not have expected this outcome. if you are in the 'all passes should be clean passes' school, this risk is fundamentally unacceptable. even trickier - what if contact is made as a result of a move you initiated but the other rider could have avoided? of course, you started it, but they could have yielded... and maybe they should have, maybe that would have been the wise, the sensible thing to do in that situation. it's always important to remember that at least two riders are involved in all these situations - and there are many cases where contact and/or crashing is not 100% the fault of any one party. so, for instance, there are several moments in laguna 2008 that are so risky in part because casey is also refusing to yield. that's not to necessarily imply any blame or fault! of course, it might not be ideal for the most aggressive riders being able to bully everyone else as they please because they know they can generally rely on everyone else being more sensible and yielding. but the differing outcomes resulting from the choices made by the 'other' rider will always help influence perception of any race situation - a move that is seen as 'hard but fair' might have been seen as considerably more dangerous if the other party hadn't yielded

and yes... yes, there is absolutely a question of your success rate. this links back to point (1) - is the move plausible? there are moves that aren't really considered examples of 'hard racing' and certainly not dangerous... because they worked. take valentino's last corner move at catalunya 2009, at a corner where you don't traditionally overtake (remember, before the race jorge was going around tempting fate by saying that if you're ahead by that point you're sorted). sure, he goes for a gap that exists, but it could easily have gone wrong - and if a lot of other riders had tried that, then it would have. how do you think yamaha would have felt if valentino had taken both yamaha riders out at the very end of the race to allow ducati to claim an unlikely victory and an increased championship lead? here's another one: misano 2017 and marc making a last lap move in treacherous conditions to snatch the win. no contact required to make that risky as shit - and if stuff like that goes wrong too often they call you an idiot at best and dangerous at worst. of course, both valentino and marc have had moments where they very much did not pull off moves they were intending, which is how we get ambition outweighing talent and 'I hope he can learn from this one and improve for the future', among other hits. but, relative to the amount of risk they're regularly taking in their racing, they get a lot of reward for their troubles... because they're very good at what they do. the risk/reward calculation is one that they... uh, can both be very adept at, but it's also one that's fundamentally easier when you're skilled enough to pull off a lot of moves that would be beyond the capabilities of other riders. it's when you don't know how to judge your moments, when you keep trying moves that you can't pull off - that's where other riders will start having a problem with you

which is where we get to reputation! how different incidents are judged will also depend on the existing reputations of the riders involved and whether they are seen as 'fair' racers or not (an even more nebulous term, if possible), versus hard racers, dangerous racers... often, this is a question of quantity too - with certain riders on the grid, you will notice they're involved in controversial incidents disproportionately often. how likely people are to pay you the benefit of the doubt... how likely they are to believe you as to what your intent was in a certain situation, perhaps the most nebulous concept of them all. 'hard' and 'dangerous' aren't assessments that are made in isolation, and how severely riders are judged will often depend on their pasts and how those pasts are perceived by others

where you get into really sticky territory is... okay, both valentino and marc have more often than not (arguably) been able to stay on the right side of 'the line', where their moves might be hard but aren't putting anyone else in active danger - but that's because they are at least theoretically capable of exhibiting a good sense of judgement and are also good at what they're doing, as covered above. here's a question: do they bear any responsibility for when younger and/or worse riders copy their moves and/or general approach to racing, with worse consequences? when they have been criticised, when they are called dangerous, at times it's not just what they're doing in the moment... it's what they're inspiring. so you've got stuff like this from sete:

even more drastically than that, after the death of a fifteen year old rider in supersport in 2021, one of his fellow rider said this about marc (which marc unsurprisingly strongly pushed back on):

(just worth remembering, this is a rider who did walk away from the sport as a result and was clearly deeply affected by what happened - the marc comments were part of a longer statement that got overshadowed by this part and the resulting controversy)

setting aside the merits or lack thereof of these specific assertions, what of the general questions they raise... can you be a dangerous rider in an indirect fashion like this, by the very nature of your legacy? are riders who helped bring about a more aggressive baseline standard of racing in any way responsible for anything that happens as a result of this standard? (even worse, there's a line of succession here - after all, who was marc's biggest inspiration?) or does individual responsibility reign supreme here? athletes are by design only interested in their own successes, aren't they - and 'legacy' is so abstract, how can anyone know how others will be influenced by what they do? how can we even begin to assess how big an influence individual riders really are? let's not forget that there will be other factors - riders in the past have discussed how particular characteristics of the moto2 class have bred more aggressive racing, or the influence of the size of motogp bikes, or how difficult it is these days to overtake in a completely 'clean' manner, or the rules themselves and to what extent they have actually been enforced etc etc... maybe there's also an element of people focusing on the easiest, most visible explanation in the form of star riders, without giving proper consideration to the underlying factors that will influence an era's style of riding. again, how you feel about all of this will vary from person to person - but part of the hard vs dangerous debate is inherently forward-looking. and it's hardly just legacy... your hard/dangerous moves may also be setting a precedent in the present. to what extent is it the duty of riders to worry about that?

so then, that's what I've got. how you draw the distinction between hard racing and dangerous riding will come down to your individual ideological position and what you think racing even entails. do you think all contact is objectionable? do you think only the most extreme of transgressions - most of which don't qualify as 'racing' per se - should be labelled dangerous? somewhere in between? everyone will draw the line in a different place, according to the situation and their individual biases and understanding of events. it comes down, generally speaking, to how you judge the risks and rewards of a certain move, whether you think what a rider attempted was 'worth' it. all of which depends on whether the rider could realistically have managed whatever action they were attempting, whether the potential rewards were proportionate to the risks, or whether the whole thing was just too flat out dangerous to ever be worth it... of course, none of these are objective standards by which you can assess the racing, but they should give you a rough indication of what people are even talking about when they're distinguishing between hard and dangerous racing. riders as individuals are also far from consistent in their stances (surely not!) so you do have to play it by ear a lot of the times... and while there are plenty incidents where the majority can agree whether it is 'hard' or 'dangerous', there are plenty more where you're going to get a lot of contradictory opinions. no definitive answers here - unfortunately a lot of the time you'll just have to make your own mind up

[aziraphales-library]

helllooooo! so my fav thing to read is aziraphale getting hurt (metally or physically) (im deranged i know) and crowley comforting him, i was wondering if yall had any favs? i have read a lot and are looking for new fics with this basis:))))

We have several tags with loads of fics you can check out: #hurt aziraphale, #aziraphale whump, #aziraphale's trauma, and #protective crowley. Here are more to add...

Penance That Comes With the Lack of Proper Closure by midnightdragons (T)

“I – Crowley, I –,” Aziraphale floundered with his words, grief and guilt and sick shame burning at his chest. He wrung his hands together tightly, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke, almost feeling as if he was making a confession to a priest. That same sick feeling rose in his throat, and he swallowed it back, his hands clammy where they were clasped together in front of him. “Crowley, I do not know if I deserve to be called that anymore.” He risked opening his eyes again when there was nothing but silence and heavy breathing, and he saw that Crowley’s mouth had dropped open, and his eyes were flashing something dangerous. “You – what? Called angel? You – you don’t – you think you don’t deserve –?”

After the averted Apocalypse, Aziraphale forgets himself and sends a report to Heaven. This does not go over well, and Crowley is there to help Aziraphale process through the grief of being unwanted by his God.

To Be Safe And Loved by LokisQueen01 (T)

Aziraphale hasn't been in Heaven long when he is told the details of the Second Coming. He decides he is not the right Angel for the job and tries to leave. The Metatron is not happy and Sandalphon steps into the picture. All Aziraphale wants is to go home. My summaries suck and I am still learning tagging. Mentions of Blood and Torture. This is my first Good Omens fic and my first fic in awhile. Please be gentle and kind!

To wash it white as snow by HolRose (T)

After all the noise and chaos had died down in the aftermath of the failed Second Coming, Crowley takes care of his wounded angel, and together they help each other on the road to healing. A gentle, loving Post Season 3 comfort fic

I've Been Loving You by acup_oftea (NR)

The laws of physics suggested that the Bentley shouldn’t have been able to drive more than seventy-or-so miles per hour in London. The laws of physics, however, did not account for the Bentley’s strong preference for protecting certain ethereal beings who had a tendency to overthink absolutely everything save for their own personal safety. Crowley made it to the bookshop in under five minutes, his mind racing and his heart hammering as he took in the fact that he was actually coming back. He couldn’t face this, couldn’t be in this place without sinking into its familiarity, without closing his eyes and inhaling the scent of the shop, without covertly staring and staring at its owner. But he was up and slamming the car door shut without stopping, trying to calm the dull panic in his head. OR It's been seven months, & Crowley has taken to drinking himself into oblivion & solitude. But when he gets a panicked call from Muriel telling him to get to the bookshop right away, he is forced to confront certain misunderstandings he may have had as the threat of danger lurks- & he'll do anything to keep his angel safe OR The author is TIRED of reading s2 fix-its where Aziraphale is the bad guy

A Price Paid For Love by tincturedwords (M)

Angered over the events of the ruined Armageddon, the Archangels Gabriel, Michael, Uriel, and Sandalphon argue over why Aziraphale hasn't Fallen yet. He is a traitor to all of Heaven and God Herself in their eyes. He has stopped the Great Plan from taking place and has been toeing the line of their rules for centuries, hedonistic and befriending a demon were only a few on the list they held against him. Yet the Almighty is silent on all that's happened… Thus they decide to take matters into their own hands. However, they may not have the power to make an angel Fall as God does, they do possess powerful miracles, especially when their strength is combined. So in order to teach the wayward Principality a lesson, they simulate what it's like to Fall for Aziraphale so that he may understand what his fate should have been. Except they fail to inform him of this punishment, thus Aziraphale doesn't know it's not real.

Subterfuge by The_Bentley (E)

War has come to Europe and many are suffering under the Nazi Regime of Germany. Aziraphale, unable to sit by and watch this happen, has plans to save as many as he can but he needs help. Crowley, miserable in his new mission which has him infiltrating the Nazi government to further Hell's causes, just might be the partner he requires to implement his plans. But when Aziraphale ends up imprisoned for his actions, Crowley's rage will have him raining Hell down on those who hold his angel captive. Both will also have to learn to deal with the trauma that comes with being embedded behind enemy lines as the toll the war takes on them has Crowley and Aziraphale depending on each other for support.

- Mod D

[misc-obeyme]

Grats on your follower milestone! Can I request Beel + hands? 💙

Hello and thank you!

Oh I haven't written too much for Beel, so I'm glad you requested him. He's such a sweetie, I love him!

Thank you for participating!

GN!MC x Beelzebub with prompt Hands

Warnings: mentions of fear and falling

It was an average morning and you were on your way to RAD. Beelzebub was walking beside you, preoccupied with several slices of toast that he had taken with him from the breakfast table. You were watching him scarf them all down in only a handful of bites when you took a step onto ground that just… wasn't there.

It looked like it was there, but your foot met nothing. It appeared to sink through the pavement of the path. You watched helplessly as your leg was swallowed whole.

You cried out, dropping your books as your arms flailed in a useless attempt to save yourself. Your gut twisted into knots as you felt yourself falling, your whole body now tumbling down into a path that wasn't there.

And then your momentum stopped abruptly, your arm jerking hard as it met with some resistance. You dangled awkwardly, half of you visible above the ground and the rest of you lost in the illusion of the path.

You looked up your arm and saw a large hand gripping yours. Beel had grabbed it at the last second, preventing you from falling entirely into whatever odd spell this was.

Your heart raced in fear as you dangled, your feet moving through the empty air, searching for purchase and finding none.

"Beel!" you cried out, reaching up with your other hand to grip him harder.

"It's okay, MC," Beel said, his voice surprisingly calm. "I won't let you fall."

And true to his word, Beel lifted you out of the illusion with nothing but his one hand holding yours. He didn't even break a sweat, clearly calling upon his strength to bring you back to safety.

He pulled you close to him, wrapping a protective arm around you as he gently set you down on your feet. Your hands were still clutching his, the fear level still too high for you to even consider letting go.

The arm around your waist tightened as Beel pulled you into him. "You're safe now, MC," he said softly into your hair. "I've got you. You're safe."

You shook slightly in his arms, your fingers entwined with his, still too afraid to let go. You took some deep breaths, letting his reassuring words soothe you.

When you were feeling less shaky, you pulled away enough to look at him. "Thank you, Beel. I think you just saved my life."

Beel squeezed your hand. "No," he said. "That illusion spell is concealing a pretty shallow pit. You wouldn't have died if you had fallen into it, but you might've gotten seriously hurt."

You frowned. "How do you know that?"

"I overheard Belphie and Satan planning it," Beel said. "I think it was meant for Lucifer, not you."

Of course. Yet another prank from the Anti-Lucifer League, but this time you were the one who nearly got hurt. You would be speaking with those two about this later.

Now that you had calmed down somewhat, though, you found you didn't want to leave the protective embrace of Beel's arms. The way he let you grip his hand as though you would die without it, the way he so calmly held you while you shook with fear, and the way he had reassured you that everything was okay made you feel warm and safe, something you didn't always get to feel.

"Thank you for saving me," you said. "I'm glad you were the one here beside me."

Keeping one of your hands in his, you put the other one on his chest as you pressed a soft kiss to his lips. You could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath your hand as he pulled you in just a little closer, kissing you back. You took comfort in Beel's solid presence, keeping hold of his hand whenever you could for the rest of the day.

the original prompt list

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[kingwithpaintedfingers]

As promised!! My recommendations for Warhammer 40k reading

So, rayshell22live asked me what I thought GW was doing wrong vis a vis Warhammer 40k, and I responded with a rant about Black Library instead.

Oops. (Listen, a lot of this is pent up...)

But! I promised (myself) I would list my favorite stuff I've read from Warhammer 40k. For ease of access, I have divided it into several categories.

XENOS

There are not enough stories about Xenos. And apparently a lot of them aren't good. But here are a couple I read and liked!

The Infinite and the Divine by Robert Rath: Everyone recommends this, and for good reason. Fun, sometimes lighthearted, sometimes deep, it's the story of two old robots who hate each other but are forced to work together. It's a tale of two opposing forces, the past and the future, and what they both could mean for the present of the Necron race. Come for the dinosaurs and enemies-to-friends, stay for the old man fights and pranks gone horribly wrong.

War in the Museum by Robert Rath: Basically a deleted scene from The Infinite and the Divine. A short story.

Brutal Kunnin' by Mike Brooks: Orks vs. Tech Priests. Turned out to have way more humans than I would have liked, but still fun! Includes some hell-yeah moments and very quotable lines AND includes TWO non-binary characters! Very nice. Introduces two heroes for the ages: Ufthak Blackhawk, and his squig. The best squig.

Road Rage and Where Dere's Da Warp Dere's a Way by Mike Brooks: More Ufthak shenanigans! Both short stories.

Da Gobbo's Revenge by Mike Brooks: A Grot, tired of being abused by Orks, takes up the role of the ancient Grot hero Da Red Gobbo and begins a revolution. A novella, not long but fun.

The Hand of Darkness by Gav Thorpe: A lovely audio drama about Yvraine, the last hope of the Aeldari, on a mad quest to deprive Chaos of a dangerous asset. (Or, when I want to pretend to be bitter, "Rob's Not Actually Girlfriend (Seriously, She's Just An Ally) Breaks Into Mort's Basement and Ruins the Only Piece of Art He's Ever Made" It is a fantastically emo piece of art, I can't believe I've never referenced it in a fanfic before.) It's a good audio drama, I like it!

The Child Foretold by Nicholas Kaufmann: This one. This one is so. So freaking. GOOD. I just. It's so good??? A man adopts a baby. He has no idea what he's gotten himself into. Warning, it's also from Warhammer Horror.

And, recommended by friends, though I haven't read them yet:

The Twice-Dead King by Nate Crowley: A series of novels about a Necron phaeron trying to save his dynasty. Supposed to be really good, if less humorous than The Infinite and the Divine.

Day of Ascension by Adrian Tchaikovsky. Supposed to be a really good sci-fi novel all around, it tells the tale of a genestealer uprising.

THE CIAPHAS CAIN SERIES by Sandy Mitchell

Listen, you're either going to love this series, or you're going to hate it. Most people can get over the stylistic choices (seriously, there are a lot of phrases that are repeated over and over and over and over and over again by the author), but others find those phrases grating after a while. Give the series a try (personally I think the series gets really good with the second and third books) and decide for yourself. If you like it, you're in good company, and if you don't, that's okay, you're still in good company. Personal highlights for me include The Traitor's Hand, Death or Glory, Cain's Last Stand, the audio drama Dead in the Water, and the novella Good Soldiers Never Die.

BOOKS THAT MENTION MORTARION

There is probably at least one person out there who wants to know what books I recommend for the way I write him. So I included this in its own section.

The Buried Dagger by James Swallow: my first Horus Heresy novel, and the last one before the Siege. Aka "Oh Fuck, We Forgot to Give Mortarion an Actual Personality and Now He Needs to Do Some Emotional Heavy Lifting." And let me just say, Swallow knocks it out the fucking park on this one. I cried. Then I found out he's not written like this in almost ANY other story, even ones by James Swallow, and I cried even more. Do yourself a favor, pick up the audio book, because the way Jonathon Keebler says "I know" in Interval Two is heartbreaking.

"Lantern's Light" by James Swallow: A lot of BL books have what I like to call a "companion short story" that goes with it. This is the one for Mortarion's half of The Buried Dagger. It elaborates Mort's relationship with the Emperor and why it's so bad (hint: it has nothing to do with the Emperor killing his adopted dad).

Unification by Chris Wraight: One of Mortarion's sons reflects on why he follows Mortarion into battle. A companion short story to The Lords of Silence (see below).

Mortarion Pale King of Barbarus and Verdict of the Scythe by David Annandale: While I wish they had gone more in-depth with his character, they both provide us with some intriguing details into how Mortarion wages war in the Great Crusade, and why he does it in the way he does. As well as what his brothers think of him, and how that weighs on him and his actions (a lot more than he's willing to admit).

The above are really good for Mortarion as his own character, and the tragic protagonist of his own story.

Scars, the Path of Heaven, and Warhawk by Chris Wraight: Whereas these stories are good at depicting Mortarion as his own villainous character. Most stories twist and turn Mortarion's personality to depict him as the Jungian shadow of whatever character is the protagonist of this series. Not so the Jaghatai Khan trilogy. Here he is still (mostly) recognizable as the same character as the Buried Dagger's Mortarion, but now he's a villain. Kind of. He's not the main villain of the first two books, but he kind of is for the third one? He doesn't show up often, but it's interesting when he does.

Daemonology by Chris Wraight: There's only one paragraph from his perspective, and it's the last paragraph of the story. Regardless, it provides us with a rare look at how people weaker than Mortarion who aren't on his good side see him. And it shows us that, like the witches and sorcerers he hates, Mortarion has more brains than sense.

Honorable mentions:

Grandfather's Gift by Guy Haley, because Mortarion enjoys a garden in it and it mentions how much pain Mortarion's transformation is (also, he's mostly naked for most of it, make of that what you will). Flight of the Eisenstein by James Swallow has one or two good scenes with Mortarion, but he's barely in it.

HORUS HERESY AND PRIMARCHS

Saturnine by Dan Abnett: Some people hated it, some people loved it, personally I'm in the Loved It camp? It had some memorable moments and some interesting battles! On the other hand, if you're a Fulgrim fan, skip it, it does him no favors. If you're a Perturabo fan, give it a try! He gets some great Only Sane Man moments (and a shirtless scene. That's not important, but it's there.)

Magnus the Red Master of Prospero by Graham McNeill: It's a Magnus book, but it's a fuckin' banger for Perturabo. Good stuff. Petition to have McNeill write all the Perturabo stuff? Just...not the War of Rust, please.

Lorgar Bearer of the Word by Gav Thorpe: Holy shit, did Lorgar not have a happy childhood. Depicts him very sympathetically!

Fulgrim the Palatine Phoenix by Josh Reynolds and Ferrus Manus Gorgon of Medusa by David Guymer: Both of these go on the list for having scenes that live rent-free in my head, most of them involving either Fulgrim or one of Fulgrim's sons. Josh Reynolds is a really good writer in general, though I think he might be the one who doesn't write for GW/BL anymore.

A Lesson in Darkness by Ian St. Martin: Creepy, serial killer fun starring Konrad Curze doing creepy, fucked-up Night Haunter shit. An Audio Drama.

Angron Slave of Nuceria by Ian St. Martin: a grim look at Angron's backstory, and how the suffering he experienced in his past doomed his entire legion. There's a companion short story called "Ghosts of Nuceria," but I'm saving that one for when I really, really need to cry as if the world is ending, so I haven't read it yet. I've read part of it already and man. Man.

OTHERS FROM 40K

The Lords of Silence by Chris Wraight: Generally agreed to be one of the best Chaos Space Marine novels, it follows the story of a warband of Death Guard, the titular Lords of Silence, as they wage war and have existential crises. Introspective and philosophical at times, and always careful to make everyone a well-rounded character, has mystery elements. The story is told out of order and in the present tense, so if those are dealbreakers for you, you'll have to sit them out. also includes a great scene with Mortarion okay thanks bye

The Way Out by Rachel Harrison: part of the Black Library's Warhammer Horror line, it's an audio drama that will keep you guessing until the end. Spooky and creepy and mysterious.

A couple more honorable mentions to round things out. The following all have scenes that live rent-free in my mind, all are either short stories or novels from Warhammer Horror, all take place in 40k:

The Deacon of Wounds by David Annandale; The Bookkeeper's Skull by Justin D. Hill; Imperator Gladio by Richard Strachan.

AND A FEW FROM AGE OF SIGMAR Not very many, though, because I haven't read very many...

Hallowed Knights: Plague Garden by Josh Reynolds: the only AoS novel I've ever read. Loved it. If Torgun dies, I'll fucking riot. Part of a series that may have been stopped, sadly.

The Vintage by David Annandale: a Warhammer Horror short story I hated the first time, loved the second time. Got a really killer premise, pun not intended. From that one year where Games Workshop decided that all of the Warhammer Horror Week stories would be about vampires.

Anyway, some of the stuff I enjoyed.

[mostthingskenobi]

20!

Thanks for the ask 💜

Here’s the list of asks.

20. 4 sentences from your work that you’re proud of

Oh my, this is fun and difficult...I can't pick 4 sentences, so is it ok if I share 4 moments...???

I've been rereading some of my fics for a project, and I have to say, some of my early stuff pains me LOL. I feel like I've grown a lot as a writer. My most recent fic, Cassian's Reckoning, feels like my best work so far (I'm sure in a few years it will make me squirm). There are a lot of parts from it that I'm proud of.

Cassian's Reckoning

“You swallow your pain.” Tarkin’s brow arched severely with amusement. “You almost never scream.” He strode forward until he was towering over the rebel. “What kind of man endures relentless torment with nary a sound?” He hooked a finger under Andor’s chin and forced his head up. “We created you, didn’t we? Hung your father in the town square. Sent you to prison as a child. Let your mother die as our suffocating grip tightened around Ferrix. And countless other perceived wrongs not in our official records.”

Cassian burned with rage at the mention of these painful memories and the casualness with which the Grand Moff paraded them out like afterthoughts. His youth had crumbled with each loss, a childhood, a family, stolen by the Empire. Andor began to shake with emotion, with a fire he had never been able to fully stamp out. He couldn’t hold it back any longer.

His father had hung in the Ferrix snow for weeks. Cassian had to walk by the body nearly every day on his way to school.

And his mother, her love as sharp and enduring as her pointed opinions, had died cold and alone, without her son by her side for comfort.

The Jedi and His Duchess

He was desperate to make her see reason. “They won’t just kill you, Satine.”

His tone made her pause, and she finally looked into eyes as he spoke the brutal truth.

“The insurgents don’t just want you dead, they want you destroyed. They’ll make an example of you. They’ll shame you, rip you to shreds, destroy your legacy before they murder you in a public square so all of Mandalore can watch. You won’t die a martyr, Satine. You’ll die for nothing.”

The Dark Side of Obi-Wan Kenobi Part 2

Obi-Wan searched his heart, hoping to convince himself that his theory was wrong, but no argument was strong enough to dissuade him. The Council had isolated him, starved him, forced him to relive torture and explore the darkest recesses of his mind. Perhaps their true intention was to force him to confront and defeat the Dark Side that resided in him, but they were sorely misguided if they thought such a simple approach would destroy something so powerful. Whether it was intentional or not, the Jedi Council had led him down a darker path than they realized. They had provoked him, provoked the evil that lived inside him. And now it had grown so big and so powerful that he was no longer certain where he ended and it began.

Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Loth Wolf

So, whether or not it killed him, he would accept his fate. At least this way his death would be part of a larger, exquisite cycle that was more meaningful than his personal triumphs.

And here's a snippet from a fic I've been working on that I am SO EXCITED to eventually share with you. It doesn't have a name yet.

Because you cannot move forward until you are honest with yourself.

Obi-Wan didn’t know where the thought came from; it just seemed to pop into his head.

He suddenly felt a rush of emotion like a dam breaking. It wasn’t doubt. He did not doubt. He knew with all his heart that he was meant to be a Jedi.

It was fear.

Deep, pressing, suffocating fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of loss. Fear of not being good enough or strong enough. Fear of failure.

He feared history repeating itself.

He feared failing Anakin.

Obi-Wan began to shake uncontrollably as his pulse began to race. Did a man full of fear have the right to call himself a Jedi? Throughout his entire life he had been able to control his fear, but now he had been taken to the brink, right to the exposed edge where his master had slipped into the abyss, leaving him standing alone in a waking nightmare. And Kenobi was left with fear dripping from him like a residue, like a toxin that had no antidote.

[theressomethinghappeninginparis]

It's been a while.

Let me tell you why. I left the Croft Manor and went to Utah.

I know, it's a leap of faith I took, but it was worth it. I have retrieved knowledge and information and shared all I know with Lara Croft as well as with Mister Trent. I needed a day's rest at the Croft Manor and I felt slightly ashamed, but I am no superwoman like Lara, and my knee is still throbbing. I hope I haven't relocated anything, lol.

Transcript of the first, second and third page:

Here's a whole list of things I asked Lara Croft. She was kind enough to sit by me while I was sipping tea, moaning, and trying to recover from *points at everything*. Q: The piece of the Sanglyph I have given you, what do you know about it? A: From what I have gathered: the Sanglyph is a relic created by Eckhardt. You surely crossed paths with this psycho already. It's a disc that can be parted into five pieces. To prevent mortals from using it, he was hiding it inside the five Obscura Paintings. Q: So the paintings were his idea, too? A: He commissioned to get them painted andhid the pieces in there until his glovey-dovey hands could get onto a Nephilim. (me: the Lux Veritatis later seized them, let them be painted over by Brother Obscura, and scattered them). Q: This guy's not normal, right? A: Best actor in history. No, he's neither normal nor human. He was. With a deal he was made immortal, and the cost was reviving the Nephilim race. He's a vessel for over 500 years of evil, alchemy and hatred for humans. And the LV. Q: The Lux Veritatis were a pain in his life? A: You guessed it.They tried anything to stop him, even putting him in a ditch for several hundread years until an Ally bomb hit the castle and he could break free. The Shards were recollected by Heissturm, who gave them to his son. I think you've met him already. Q: If you mean Kurtis- yes, I've read about him. But I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. A: In case you can offer something, he'll talk. He loves teamwork. (Lara chuckles, is that a smile?) Get the Sanglyph to him and ask him to get it here, at some point. I trust him, he'll do so. (me: I think we all know Lara Croft will not hesitate to track me down and shoot me if I were to disappear with it, so I guess...it'll do.) Q: (...) Thank you, again. What do you know about him? A: He's a tough cookie, a mercenary. Who is out for revenge. All he can think of now is to stuff Eckhardt's and his allies' faces with bullets or sever their heads. He was of great help, although I took care of Eckhardt first...anyway. He was of great help, especially in our escape out of the Louvre. Q: Speaking of Louvre- the killings in Paris and Prague. Was that Eckhardt? A: Not all of them. The murder of Werner was Karel (she looks aside). He's almost weirder than Eckhardt, I don't know much if anything about him. And, he is, you won't believe it, a shapeshifter. These Nephilim guys (she looks at me again) are a whole lot of strange. Q: (...) You mentioned the Shards... A: Kurtis knows way more. All I know is that they're way too scary to Eckhardt. You know, maybe bring him his, the one I have...he surely misses it. Q: Are you sure he wants to talk to me? Kurtis, I mean? A: If you have trouble convincing him with the Periapt Shard, just tell him (she smiles) I'd love to see him again. That'll convince him (she gets up to leave), trust me.

Transcript of the fourth page: This is all I can write in this journal. We talked a bit more, obviously, and she handed me Kurtis' contact information. He should be in Utah now, but I have his number in case I don't find him at home- it's somewhere in dumbfuck nowhere. Lara lets me stay for as long as I want and I can roam the Manor's museums (or "rooms" like Lara calls them") freely. I got a ticket to visit the USA, and am preparing a catalogue of questions for Kurtis Trent. I kind of hope he lets me write down more. In case he gets back to being a ghost he might allow me to publish more. It feels good to not be on edge all the time. Not having a maniac roam the streets is nicer than I ever imagined. I feel relief.

I'll take some rest and gather nerves and strength for the- hopefully- last trip regarding this case. I want it to be over, it's exhausting.

Transcript of the fifth and sixth page: Questions for Mister Trent: 1. What do you know about Eckhardt and what's he to do with the LV? 2. What are the Lux veritatis anyway? Why was it founded and where is everybody? 3. Your father Heissturm, is he involved? 4. How did you cross paths with Lara Croft? 5. The Periapt Shards- what are they made of? Do they really kill immortals? 6. The Nephilim are conected, just like the Sleeper. But what about the guys in the Sanitarium? 7. The guy in cell 42, know him? And the "Nephilim Proto" he mentioned?

I'm on my way to Utah. Lara was on a call fow a few hours with what I think was Kurtis, had a good laugh, and mentioned that I'll hand him something and he should leave me in one piece. Really reassuring...she handed me one of the Shards. Such a weird...thing. It is made of crystal I believe and is purple-ish black-ish depending on the light. The lionhead makes the Shard heavy to carry and I can hold it, but itfeels like it carries a weight, maybe even a metaphorical one, like there's a power stored within. Absolutely supernatural and strange. I'll try to sleep now. Miss Croft has sent me all my luggage and food, along with a return ticket and her direct contacts. She was so happy to have the piece of the Sanglyph or rather the whole thing now, but kinda happier to speak to Kurtis.

Is it her stubbornness that keeps her from visiting him herself?

Transcript of the seventh and eighth page: I literally got a map to Kurtis place. He is in the middle of nowhere. of course. I'm not kidding: Lara printed me a map I found in the folder she put my tickets in. It's more of a guide and she got me a driver to get me there. Why the fuck is Mister trent living in dumbfuck nowhere? Don't ask about the sigils, the driver could read them, but Lara didn't bother explaining.

After several hours of driving in the middle of the fucking desert and taking the wrong way once I found it. I found him. Was greeted with a gun to my face until I mentioned Lara's password-sentence: Move along, mon chère. I am still surprised he didn't shoot me on sight.

The weapons of the Lux Veritatis: Kurtis has given me a detailed description of the tools the LV have used and/or continue to use. It's surely not all of them.

Betyl (training stones) Betyl is an ancient metal that the LV shape to resemble arrowheads. Most of the time there are engravings in them and they're used as training device for the Shirugai. They have some main skills:

guide (compass)

impulse (attack)

crisscross (whatever)

pattern (uhm?)

There are also five stages of control: 1. Aronsäid 2. Gyllais 3. Tuleic 4. Ömsa 5. Veruta

And of course Mister Trent didn't bother elaborating. I guess he's too busy being excited to get the Shard and then bring it to Lara- just out of kindness with no self-interest, of course.

Shirugai Translated as throw-star. The LV have their own invention, it's a disc-like thing with five spikes on the edhe. These blades are retractable. The disk is being held by putting five fingers through the holes in the middle. A shirugai is connected to a single member of the Lux Veritatis and can only be used by them. It's controlled via telepathy and can be used within a radius.

The Betyl stones are not needed if the member has enough skills. I bit my tongue to not imply Kurtis surely needed them. The blades are so sharp they can cut through steel. Although fairly popular the shirugai has seen not much use: there's barely people left that can more than just hover it.

Transcript of the tenth page: The hut is pretty small and Kurtis seems to live here by himself. When I explained to him I was accidentally crossing paths with this whole murder plot he laughed and admired my skill to stay alive. I mentioned Miss Croft cleared the path for me, and he replied that anything that gets in her way dies, and he barely dodged that fate himself. He is a grim dude who listens to Nirvana and fits perfectly to Lara's love for Nine Inch Nails. Depeche Mode anyone? I feel like he never has visitors- his tables are full of books on mysticism and ancient history. And guns. Holy shit guns.

Not too inviting, but he answered all I wanted to know and will fly back with me to London and I will continue further to Paris. Back home. At last.

Forgive me, the rest of the interview is there, but I am so, so tired. Here is the first question: Q: What do you know about Eckhardt and what does that have to do with the LV? Eckhardt is an old-ass dude who is about 600 years old. He made a deal with the Nephilim to help them take over the world - he is a bit insane- and in return, they made him immortal (he takes a smoke). The LV always wanted to prevent evil int his world, and an alchemist that seeks for organs and organ harvest is not the good guy. After being put in chains in a castle pit an Ally bomber freed him (he looks at me and raises a brow), definitely planned, and he plotted revenge.

I will continue my notes tomorrow. It's way past midnight. I nudged a talk on Lara Croft and am listening to Mister Kurtis talk about her in admiration. I wonder. What keeps them from hanging out? Both of them shoot first and ask questions later. Perfect match if you ask me.

[7ban-sama]

Heyy ;) JSHK is heartbreaking isn’t it? As for me I cried 4 times over the manga (which is a miracle because I NEVER CRY THAT MUCH IN A SERIES), sooo have you cried over some chapters?

Oh I've cried soo many times for this series, it's kind of hard to count. Though I can't say it's a rare or uncommon thing for me... I'm honestly quick to cry over the littlest things. 9.9; So it's not surprising for me, that I've cried multiple times. I get choked up easily too... ah, I'm very emotional, and just tend to respond to 'emotional cues' easily. If the movie is playing sad music, and wants me to be sad, I will be sad... I can't really resist that.

But while it's not hard to get me to cry, I will say that JSHK is unique in that, I think it makes me feel a very deep sense of agony... Since making me cry is very easy to do, I don't think of it as an actual testament to whether or not the scene was good, or well written, and I can shake it off and just move on easily enough. It's different when the sadness feels like it sinks into my bones... makes me writhe and twist... And ah, sometimes it just flat out stings more, instead of just making me weepy — hurting my jaw, throat, palms...

I'll list some specific chapters... I think I'll also break it up between things that made me cry on first read vs. rereads.

yosh... ikimashou!

FIRST READ

Vol 1 / Ch 1: Hanako-san of the Bathroom

This is actually more of an 'honorable mention', since I wasn't full blown weeping or anything. But I had a lump in my throat and got wet-eyed over it, which feels notable, just starting off.

I remember being really surprised that we get into Nene's head like this... I wasn't expecting it-? It feels very brutal, honestly, to watch her reflect on her shallowness like this. Having to realize this 'crush' was more of a self-serving fantasy, than anything, and she wasn't really thinking about who Teru was as a person... This is a foible I think many people go through, more than they're willing to admit. More than they can even recognize...? So it was pretty surprising to see it laid out like this, at the start of the manga. A premonition of what was to come... (this manga surprising me again and again!)

Vol 2 / Ch 7: The Misaki Stairs (Part 4)

Now this... is a testament to how 'contained' a narrative can be, yet how much I can be enveloped in the feelings of it. I think Yako isn't a very central character, and I don't especially favor her or anything, but I like her introduction. I like her circumstance...

The childish writing of young Yako, who seems very new to the world, and unused to deep interaction with humans. I honestly love this sort of 'interspecies' relationship... along with age gap (lol) ; it provides a contrast I enjoy. I like that Yako is being taught how to read and write by Misaki... simply tasteful. Praise to Iro-sensei.

I feel my heart sink, alongside Nene's, once we get to these entries...

And by the time we get to the yorishiro memory itself, I can't help crying. I cry a little almost every time I really immerse into reading these chapters... The Yako who is hunched over, saying, I want Misaki to yell at me again really gives me chills... I understand what she is feeling here. Wanting your love back at all costs... ahhh. :'I

Vol 4 / Ch 4: The Little Mermaid (Part 2)

a small, choked up feeling, a small cry. but a cry nonetheless... the visual of their pinkie promise gets to me. Nene's sparkly eyes... for this whole scene, her horns are droopy because of being wet, and it gives her an innocent quality. like a dumbo rat... baby girl

Vol 12 / Ch 58: The End of a Dream (Part 3)

the closing chapter of the PP arc... an arc lasting several volumes, sending one through a roller-coaster of emotions-!! my first read of PP made my heart race, doki doki. I was actually mostly psyched up by it, very excited by the events. Not so weepy. Buut, it's only appropriate that the closing chapter is what gets to me.

this panel honestly shakes me to my core. knowing that Tsukasa is metaphorically the moon... and that Nene is the one saying this... something about it feels like an omen. I think it's a good omen, and yet, it frightens me deeply anyways. I feel like I have great reason to be afraid lol... like, oh, god, the moon IS closer than it's ever been, isn't it... (dread)

ugh, trying to not post every panel from this scene... but Nene is so pristine and angelic and well meaning in this all. her end of it is SO SINCERE... up here, in the clouds together, whirling all about... declaring her dreams... sigh. It's not fair it's like this all loads into a gun to hurt her for the Severance...

(I feel like it's around here that I really am falling for her, as a character... *sigh* *touches screen...*)

Vol 17 / Ch 81: The Red House (Part 6)

I'm sure this isn't a surprise by now, but, yeah... this one really tore me apart. by this point, my feefees for Tsukasa had incubated long enough that it was really devastating to learn so much about his child psyche. (it's getting so real for my crushes on the girlies by now.)

it's devastating that Tsukasa is capable of feeling this. meanwhile, earlier... this scene.

it always hurts to get to the confrontation... it never stops hurting. it'll hurt forever, I'm sure.

I've also struggled with chronic illness and disability as well. so... ah, I understand what Amane is going through here, profoundly. At your gd limit... just, can't keep doing this... yeah

would you believe that my wife would lick my tears, early in our relationship...? I was once a very miserable, depressed, lonely person. I used to think no one would ever love me, and that I cried so often it was annoying. At times, when overwhelmed by our early interactions (they were so amazing, and I felt so lowly and undeserving) I would just break down. she'd just kiss and lick my tears and eyes...

In general I just have a lot of personal reasons to be sentimental about the gestures / dialogue throughout this chapter.

a panel for the ages... cementing Tsukasa's role as an angelic, wish-granter. I LOVE YOU BAYBEEEE-!! love you forever.

Vol 18 / Ch 89: Oni (Part 2)

Now, let it be known... I love.... LOVE-!! Everything about Hakubo and Sumire's story... I feel so much for each of them, their circumstance, it's soo painful! I pretty much always feel the 'drop' as I read these chapters, but this is the one that got me upon first seeing it.

it's the helplessness of Hakubo... the way he just doesn't know what to do, the way his inhumane treatment by humans has made him never consider that he can love, the way he can't make decisions on his own. He wishes to be commanded... it's all he knows. Why won't she just tell me to save her...?

The way he describes not feeling anger, sadness, or hatred / alongside the panels of him getting hunted down by humans… Only left with the sense of regret that he should have done something for her, that night. Ahh... it's incredibly beautiful and painful... thank you AidaIro for this perfect blend of beautiful visuals and painful prose </3...

Vol 20 / Ch 101: Omen (Part 1)

For our final entry in this category, it's a record breaker. the mere sight of this living Tsukasa made tears well up in my eyes.

it's too much for me… this specific age of Tsukasa, in canon, has been so elusive and rare. We've only had a peek at him through a Hell of Mirrors illust. and that is still his corpse... the LIVING, breathing, pre-shinjuu boy, is divine to be met with. I really couldn't believe we could see him now.

now that I know he is singing 'Over the Rainbow', there's no saving meeee...

REREADS

Vol 2 / Ch 8: The Confession Tree

ok. this is one of those things where, I know I'm not gonna make a lot of sense as I explain... since this is a raw, kinnie-brain thing, but my disclaimer is that i'm self aware about how unreasonable this is-!! ok.

when I first read through this chapter, I was still in my 'getting to know her' phase, with Nene... thus, I was endeared by her romantic heart, but wasn't (for lack of a better term) in love with her. I think I experienced this chapter more like 'an audience member'.

after coming to terms with Being Amane... this chapter is very difficult for me. It's gone from me feeling like an audience member, to feeling like an active participant — like, responsible for hurting her.

I failed such an innocent girlie. it is hard to cope with. sometimes I feel like she should never forgive me for this...

metatextually, it's like, when I was first reading this manga, I didn't think I would care so much about her / much like, I think Amane is not aware at all how much he is going to be heaving and crying over his feelings for Nene, so many volumes later... We don't know how special this girl is, yet.

I've cried over this scene and have fallen into a terrible depression for like, weeks, over it, LOL.. these things, you just have to take my word for it, that it's part of being Amane. It's hard to forgive your own carelessness.

Vol 9 / Ch 45: Picture Perfect (Part 5)

oooh. what can be said... it both makes me emotional that Tsukasa looks so lovely here / and that Tsukasa is allowed to have full page spreads, as the focal point...

having just dropped the telescope. stiff-legged, shirt billowing... she is a captivating specimen.

dazzling... gorgeous... and so earnestly experiencing the pretty sky, the shooting stars — eagerly turning to amane to announce this! ahh... that after all these years, tsukasa can have a moment like this with amane... hurts me so.

Vol 10 / Ch 50: Picture Perfect (Part 10)

my first reads of PP felt thrilling... I was so excited to see how far this manga could go. and for an arc to last so long, it was very captivating. I suppose though, this is another one of those things that has steadily weighed heavier on me as I connected more and more with Amane.

The expression here... it's the weight of everything coming crashing down on him, in real time, I think. Again, he was not... prepared for how much Nene was going to mean to him. He's spent so long not caring about who lives, dies. He's becoming unraveled by this all...

and this framing of Nene... it twists a knife in my heart. combined with how it echoes the way Amane is starstruck from Tsukasa in the earlier chapter... sighhhh!

Vol 11 / Ch 51: Perfect Empty Ideals

It just hurts so mmmbad-!!! man I can't be deep about it all, this just makes me SAD-!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!! SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Vol 14 / Ch 66: Sumire (Part 1)

After learning everything about Hakubo and Sumire's lives, this vignette is very heart-wrenching. This is the cave they took refuge from the rain, once, that their final moments are then in.

Such a beautiful ship... such beautiful drawings... again thank you AidaIro-sensei...

Vol 16 / Ch 78: The Red House (Part 3)

This chapter was of course VERY PAINFUL!! when I first read it, but I think by now it's settled into my gut heavier than ever before. And basically all of the Red House arc scenes related to the Yugi rend me apart... I can't push the image limit any more in this post though, so I'll just represent it with this. But just know all of it makes me roll around in my grave...

What could Tsukasa have felt in this moment, learning about Amane's imminent death... Knowing how much Tsukasa loves Amane, I think a future without him was just pointless. I get the impression he was spending all his time running off and procuring Amane presents, now that Amane has become too sick to play with him.

Sometimes I'm in such awe, still, that we learned Tsukasa would come to Amane's bedside and provide him little gifts. As much as his little 3 year old self was capable of... and, he's capable of feeling lowly/worthless, and like Amane hates him… urgh-!! *commits seppuku*

Anyways I hope this list... well, conveys that I'm emotional and unstable LOL... (nah, but really, I hope it was interesting!) Here's to more crying over this manga, again and again!

[randomshyperson]

Wanda Maximoff x Reader - Sorry for your lost - Part I “I will grieve”.

Serie Masterlist here || Part II|| Read on AO3 

Summary: When your wife Natasha passes away in a car accident, a part of you dies with her. It takes a few months of mourning for your psychiatrist thinks the best alternative is for you to join a grief group. And there you meet Wanda Maximoff, and learn to live again.

Warnings: (+16) mentions of death, panic attacks and anxiety, grief, self sabotage, mentions of abusive family background, mutual attraction, explicit consent, therapeutic conversations about death, self-deprecation, healthy methods of coping with grief, possible triggers about anxiety, hurtful behaviors, domestic wanda.

Chapter warnings: Heavy angst, death.

Author’s notes:  Hello readers! I'm finally back to posting something, but I disappeared for a good reason, I was writing three new series. And here is the first of them. I really enjoyed this work and it's something I've been trying to write since I watched WandaVision, and only now I've managed to put it into words. I am not finished yet, but there is only one chapter left, so your reading will not be affected. Pay attention to the warnings, and good reading!

Tag list (let me know if you wanna be tagged) 

@mionemymind​ / @abimess​ / @stephanieromanoff​ / @yourtaletotell​ / @tomy5girls​ / @justagaypanicking​ / @thegayw1tch​

//-//

Chapter One - I’ll grieve.

You wished you could go back to sleep as soon as you opened your eyes. The sound of your alarm buzzed loudly throughout the room, and after putting it on snooze mode at least four times, you finally got annoyed enough to grab it and throw it across the room. But the sound continued.

Letting out a grumble of dissatisfaction, you pushed the comforter off you, and sat up in your bed. Your room was a mess, but you just skipped through the clothes on the floor to reach the phone, turning off the alarm through the new crack you made in the screen.

"Honey, are you up?" you heard your mother's distant voice calling you through the door, probably from the living room or the kitchen. "Don't forget your therapy today."

You sighed impatiently, running your hands through your hair. The damn group therapy. 

Grumbling lightly, you forced yourself to take a shower, not wanting "poor hygiene" to end up on your progress report card. 

A while later, when you were finished, you went into the kitchen. Your mother was using her laptop on the counter, and just waved at you.

"Are you going to take me?" You asked her with your hands in your pockets. Your mother took her eyes off the screen to evaluate the sweatshirt you were wearing, and you rolled your eyes at her disapproving expression. 

"You know, you could try driv-"

"Mom" You cut her off in earnest, your heart racing momentarily. You don't drive. An she knows. Your mother sighs, putting her hands up in a sign of surrender.

"It was just a suggestion dear." She retorts as she stands up, reaching for her car key on the key rack exiting the kitchen. "But I'm busy with the store, you'll need to take the subway next time."

"Thanks for the support." You grumble as you step out in front and your mother lets out a wry chuckle.

You frown and let out a dissatisfied exclamation as you step outside feeling the sun's rays on your face.

"You're not a vampire, cut the drama." Mocks your mother by pushing you lightly to get you out of the way. 

You grumble  as you walk to the car. And when you are sitting on the seat, your mother is starting the vehicle and she asks:

"Are you sure you're not going to eat anything?"

Looking out the window, you just mumble that you're not hungry, and she shakes her head in disapproval before you back the car up. You don't speak any more on the way.

//-//

Your mother dropped you off in the parking lot of a gymnasium where the therapy group would be meeting. You sighed as you got out, and thanked her for the ride and the money she gave you to eat, even though you probably weren't going to use.

Resisting the urge to run away, you forced your feet to walk toward the place.

There were a few people at the door, but you didn't smile at any of them, entering the place with your head down and your hands in your pockets. 

And then a woman greeted you, and put a little sticker with your name on your shirt when you gave her your papers. 

Then she signaled the way you should go, and you ended up on the gymnasium court, where there was a wheel of chairs, and a table with food and drink, and several people scattered around, who you thought were part of your therapy group. 

Sighing impatiently you made your way to the bleachers of the venue, hoping to be alone until the session started and you could leave.

Fortunately it wasn't long before the leader signaled for everyone to sit in the circle, and you sighed as you stood up. You ended up with one of the chairs on the far left opposite the therapist, which could be bad since he would see you clearly.

"Thank you very much for coming." Said the therapist smiling gently as his gaze roved over everyone in the circle. You kept your gaze on your shoes. He made a noise with his throat. "Who would like to start today?"

The silence lasted for a few seconds, but then someone was speaking. You forced yourself to come back to reality and pay attention.

"[...] and this is my fourth week around here." Said a woman in a leather jacket. You noticed the army lanyard around her neck. She was talking about an accident when you got distracted again. Lightly poking your eye with your finger, you tried to focus again, letting out a low sigh. And then the therapist was talking again.

"We have new faces today." He said and you felt your heart speed up. You absolutely did not want to talk in front of strangers. "Why don't you share with us, miss?"

You raised your gaze to meet that of the therapist, smiling gently at you. The rest of the group looked at you as well. Taking a deep breath, you began to wiggle your fingers on your leg.

"I don't... I've never been in a group." You say clumsily. "What should I say?"

"Whatever you wish to say." He answers with a smile. You swallow the urge to tell him you didn't want to talk at all. Realizing your lack of response, he is quick to add. "Why don't you tell us why you are here?."

You let out a dry laugh. 

"I really didn't have much choice." You retort wryly. The therapist looks slightly surprised, but makes no mention of interrupting you. You let out a sigh before clarifying. "My psychiatrist, she...she didn't approve of my social ratings. She wanted me to talk to other people. People who... went through the same things I did." You count staring at the floor. When you look up again, the group still waits for you to continue, and you sigh, running your hands through your hair. "I haven't... I... I haven't talked to other people outside of my family in six months. Not since..."

You move your head, sniffling slightly as you straighten your posture. The therapist clears his throat.

"You just need to share whatever you are ready to tell us." He says gently, you nod slightly feeling extremely vulnerable. "But remember that this is a safe space. There is nothing to fear here."

And then he is talking about methods of easing the guilt, and dealing with the pain and you were distracted again. You would like to go back to bed. It must have taken a while, but the session is finally over.

The group dispersed around the room, and you went toward the therapist's desk to have him sign your schedule. He smiled as you approached.

"Miss Y/N/L, I was happy to hear that you would be joining us today." He said greeting you with a handshake. You nodded, taking the paper from your pocket. He chuckled, but accepted it. "You know, I'd like you to try to have a partner in the group, it's recommended for cases like yours."

"What do you mean cases like me?" You ask snidely, but he doesn't care.

"Doctor Harkness gave me your chart." He explained as he signed the paper you gave him while you frowned. "Extreme Social Anxiety in the first few months of treatment. Tendency to complete isolation, introverted..."

"Yeah I know my problems, buddy." You interrupt him with irritation. "You don't have to list them for me."

The therapist gives a lopsided chuckle, and holds out the signed paper to you. But he adds with a serious look:

"I'm here to help you, Y/N." He says. "Don't forget that."

You don't respond and take the paper, turning toward the exit. 

//-//

Your week passes slowly and tortuously. Which is surprising because you barely get out of bed. And then it is group therapy day again, and you are making a new crack at your cell phone screen.

Your mother greets you with a pat on the back as you enter the kitchen, and she is walking past you toward her own room.

You know you have to take the subway today, and you are trying not to think about it too much. As you are walking out the door, your eyes pass quickly over your car key, and you think you have a flash of memory, but you shake your head quickly, pushing the thought away. And then you walk forward.

And you are late for the session, because you can't take the bus to the station, since your feet simply didn't obey you. But that's okay, you don't really care.

You weren't the only one who was late. When you went to enter the door, a red-haired woman bumped into you, also running to get in. She smiled slightly as she apologized, and you just made room for her to enter first.

"Sorry Stephen." She said to the therapist as soon as you two entered the gymnasium, "I had an emergency with the kids."

The man just shook his head with a smile, and waved for you both to sit down.

"And why were you late today, miss Y/L/N?" He asked you. You shrugged your shoulders.

"I didn't wanna come." You retorted and the group giggled, and the sudden sound startled you slightly, but you just sat with your arms crossed. 

"Do you want to try again?" He retorted with light humor in his voice. And you bit the inside of your cheeks. And then you looked down at the floor.

"I couldn't get on the bus." You confessed next. Stephen looked at you tenderly, though, and you didn't like the feeling of your chest heaving slightly.

"And why do you think that happened?"

You shrugged, uncomfortable. 

"I don't know. I... There were too many people." You said embarrassed. And then you started twiddling your fingers, feeling all eyes on you. "I just... I knew I'd have to say hello to the driver, and the conductor. And then I would pass strangers in the hallway, and one of them would sit next to me. And I just... I couldn't."

Stephen nodded slightly in agreement.

"It's okay, Y/N. " He stated. "No one is judging you here."

You let out a dry laugh, and Stephen blinks in surprise, which spurs you to explode.

"Everyone is judging me, Doc." You say through gritted teeth, swinging your leg. "It's as if I can hear the gears in people's brains forming opinions about me." You state with a sigh. "Like my mother for example. She...she...acts like I'm past the time of mourning." You explain with tears in your eyes. "Like there's a limit, and I'm extending her goodwill. Because it's been six months, and she doesn't want me to be sad anymore. But guess what? I don't know how to move on!" You state angrily. "I can't! If I don't miss her, what's left for me? If I don't... God, I can't do this."

And you stand up, wiping your tears away, and walk out of the gymnasium, heading for the restrooms. You feel your heart racing, and it's hard to breathe. 

As you rest your hands on the sink, your brain starts to wander back to the day of the accident again. You choke, because it feels like you're sinking again. You see the water rising through the metal of the car. Your hands on the steering wheel, and then on the seat belt. You shake your head, pushing the images away, and rush to turn on the faucet in front of you and pour the water on your face.

You take a deep breath, trying to stop the tears. And then there is someone entering.

"Are you okay?" Stephen asks and you nod lightly, ignoring the trembling in your hands as you stare at him through the reflection of the mirror. "I gave a break to the group, wouldn't you like to walk with me?"

"I'm not good company right now." You grumble but he smiles, nodding slightly as if to repeat the invitation. You take a deep breath before turning around.

You walk silently and slowly to the outside of the gymnasium, and then he is speaking again.

"You were very brave today."  He comments, and you let out a dry laugh. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I panicked today." You say. " It doesn't sound very brave to me."

Stephen smiles guiding you through the gymnasium entrance toward the parking lot.

"You talked about a trauma to a group of people." He says. "That takes a lot of courage, even if you don't believe it."

"I don't believe in anything." You grumble, but Stephen doesn't mind your hostility. He stays with his friendly posture.

"I would like you to accept my request from before." He said after a moment. "About a group partner."

You let out a sigh.

"I don't even know what that means." You retort with slight impatience as you reach the edge of the parking lot. You notice the garden a few feet ahead of you.

"It's like a therapy buddy." He explains with a smile. "We encourage socializing here. That's why Agatha recommended this group to you."

"Oh, of course you do. Agatha is a bitch." You wryly wipe your hands across your face. Stephen laughs lightly. "How does that work anyway? Do I have to hold someone's hand? Exchange friendship bracelets?"

"No, it's much better." He says with a chuckle. "You talk to that person. You exchange experiences with them. You learn to trust somebody else again."

"My god, it looks like a fucking Disney movie." You retort with irritation and Stephen lets out a laugh. And then you let out a sigh, shrugging your shoulders. "Okay, I'll do it. I have nothing to lose, and it seems that neither you nor Agatha will leave me alone if I don't agree."

"We want you to feel better. Don't take this as a punishment." He says, guiding you back to the gym. You nod slightly, thinking that it really does feel like punishment anyway.

//-//

You see Agatha the same week. Your appointments have been switched to monthly meetings instead of weeks as they were at the beginning of treatment, and while you appreciate the familiarity of seeing her, you can't help but feel irritated with her.

"Someone's grumpy." She comments as soon as you sit down on the couch in the room, to which you roll your eyes.

"You are always so very tender, Agatha." You mock as you cross your legs, hoping the time will pass soon.

Agatha laughs lightly, finishing tidying up a few things on her desk. And then she gets up and sits down in the armchair a few feet in front of the sofa where you are, carrying a small notebook in her hands.

"So, why don't you tell me how your your first two sessions in group therapy went?"

You let out a dry laugh.

"Like Stephen didn't tell you everything." You sneer and Agatha just smiles, waiting for you to speak. You let out an impatient sigh, before stating wryly. "It was amazing, doc. It only took two sessions for me to have a panic attack, so thank you for that."

"Why do you think that happened?"

You squeezed your eyes.

"I have no idea." You retorted. "I'm not the doctor here." Agatha laughs lightly, and then opens her notebook and starts writing something. You sigh impatiently. “Really, you're going to start that again?”

"If you don't talk, I write." She states simply, and you roll your eyes, shifting on the couch uncomfortably.

"Agatha, I just... I couldn't get on a bus, okay?" you tell her, and she closes her notebook to look at you attentively. You take a deep breath. "There were a lot of people. I don't mind walking anyway. It helps me think."

"You don't mind walking eight blocks?" She asks with a slight irony. "That's pretty athletic of you."

"It's weird that you know my address off the top of your head." You play lightly, and she just laughs, straightening her posture. 

"Why don't you just tell me what you want to tell me?"

"Why don't you ask me what you want to ask?"

Agatha blinks slightly in surprise, and then she shakes her head slightly, opening her notebook again. You sigh.

"Okay, sorry." You say, and she looks at you for a moment before closing the object again. I... I thought I was drowning again.”

"Are your nightmares back?" She asks seriously, and you deny it with your head.

"I feel too anxious to sleep." You tell. "And then I black out from exhaustion in the night or in the morning. I don't dream anymore."

"Have you been taking your medication?"

You sigh.

"Of course I have."  You say. "I don't... I'm having trouble keeping my mind still. Like the first few months, you know. Everything seems so noisy now."

Agatha nods slightly, becoming thoughtful for a few moments. 

"I know it may sound strange to hear that, but that means you're getting better." She declares and you frown in surprise, then let out a dry laugh.

"How is my peak anxiety a good thing?"

She opens the book again, but before you can ask what you said wrong, she is reading.

"The first day you were here, you said you felt like you were empty." She narrated and you swallowed dryly. "During your first two months, you continued to describe that you felt like an empty shell. And that you no longer had any dreams, thoughts, or opinions. Without your wife, you said you were no longer here."

You felt your eyes fill with water at the mention of her. But you swallowed your emotions. Agatha turned a page, and read for a few seconds, and then looked at you.

"With your history of anxiety, your mind was remarkably quiet after the passing of your wife." She says. "But now that you're on medication, and therapeutic treatment, plus you're socializing even superficially with the world again, you're starting to feel things again. That's progress."

You look away from her, nodding slightly, trying to believe her words, and trying not to be so terrified at the thought of learning to live again. Without Nat.

You choke slightly, holding back a sob, and then Agatha hands you a box of tissues, but you refuse with a nod, wiping away the tears that have slightly escaped.

"What do you want to talk about now?" She asks after a moment. You take a deep breath, still trying to calm yourself.

"Last week I took a cold bath." You count. "It was snowing."

Agatha blinks in surprise at the information and then lets out a giggle.

"You want me to write it in the book don't you?"

You laugh, wiping away the last of the insistent tears. You just hope Agatha could help you.

//-//

You hate coffee. But you barely slept last night, and now you need to stay awake during the group meeting, so instead of walking to the chair in the corner like you used to, you detour your way to the food and beverage table as soon as you arrive at the gym.

There are a few members around, but you don't look at them, just sidestepping as you extend your arm to the coffee bottle. You pour some, and as you touch the cup, you notice. It's cold.

"Hey sorry about that." Said a girl you thought was named Val or something, as soon as she saw you touching the cup. "We mixed up the shifts yesterday and nobody made new coffee."

You rolled your eyes, picking up the cup and throwing it in the trash. Then you forced a wry smile on the girl and walked outside. 

It was cold, but you are boiling with rage. It was just a damn cup of coffee, you thought as you closed your eyes and tried to reduce your anger. Just coffee. 

You stumbled with fright when Stephen called out to you.

"We'll get started in a minute." He said looking at you curiously. You just nodded, following him after a few seconds.

You bit the inside of your cheek when you noticed the same coffee girl as before, now sitting where you usually sat. The universe was testing you today. 

You just sighed, twiddling your fingers inside your pocket, and walked over to one of the free chairs.

After Stephen gave the briefing, he asked if everyone was all right, and the group lied in unison. You were almost asleep when he called your name.

"I would like to choose your partner today." He says and you feel your heart racing as you straighten your posture. "But I want to know if you have any preferences."

You blink in confusion, and roll your eyes.

"I don't know anyone here, but I'm sure they will all hate me equally, doc." You tried to joke, but Stephen only looked at you with concern.

"No one does or will hate you." He says and you swallow dryly, looking away as you mumble that it was just a joke. Stephen pauses momentarily before continuing. "You know that everyone here has their own experiences of loss and they are unique in their own way, even if they have similarities." He begins and you just wish he would speak soon who your partner is at once. "Usually we don't put new members together, but with the release of one of our members, the number ended up getting odd." He explains. "Anyway, I'm sure you and Mrs. Maximoff will get along very well together."

You frowned slightly at the whole explanation. Then you looked around the group, and realized that this Maximoff woman was the late redhead from the previous session who looked at you curiously. You looked away from her to Stephen.

"Thank you, doc." You said with a slight irony and Stephen just nodded smiling.

"Partners are grieving companions ladies." He says. "We will assess your progress at each session, and then switch partners once the necessary improvement has been achieved."

You grumbled in understanding, and looked away to your lap. When Stephen began to ask about the stories, your mind wandered to the departure time.

And when the session was over you wished you could go to sleep. But Stephen made a slight movement of his head in Maximoff's direction, and you understood that you should talk to her.

Ignoring the urge to show Stephen the middle finger, you just sighed as you got up from your chair and lazily walked over to the woman at the exit. She was talking to a man, and you were even more anxious to address not one, but two strangers.

"Hi." You greeted awkwardly, and both of them turned to you with mild curiosity. 

"Hey, you're Y/N, right?" Said the man with a smile as he held out his hand to you. "I'm Bucky. James Barnes actually, but everyone calls me Bucky." He said and you shook his hand, smiling awkwardly. Then he quickly pointed at the woman.  "And this is Wanda Maximoff, your grief partner."

"Hi." Wanda said shyly as she offered her hand to greet you. You accepted as clumsily as she did.

"Sorry, I don't know how this works." You say. "Should we exchange numbers or something? Or is that just a therapy thing?"

Bucky gives a little chuckle.

"Oh believe me, they'll know if you're not making it work." He counters. "My first partner was Sam Wilson and we wanted to jump on each other's necks whenever we saw each other. And then Stephen asked us to move in together." He says and you blink in surprise. "We're married now, but that's not the point. I guess I'm getting off topic..."

"Bucky." Wanda interrupts with a smile, and he smiles half-heartedly as well. You frown, annoyed by Bucky's story. You didn't want to marry anyone. "I guess we'll make it work, I hope you don't mind having the company of two tiny restless creatures on our walks."

You look at her with confusion and then you understand, smiling shyly.

"No, it's okay." You say. "I like children."

"Really?" She asks in surprise.

You nod slightly. "Unlike adults, they tell the truth."

Wanda seemed to be thoughtful, but then Bucky lets out an exclamation.

"As group guide, I have to pass the to-do list to you ladies." He says pulling a small notebook from the back pocket of his pants. He pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to Wanda. "Partners need to develop these habits of socializing and coping with grief together. And yes, there is a test."

You sigh impatiently, tucking a loose string behind your ear. 

"That sounds fun." You mock lightly making them smile. 

"Anyway, good luck to you two." He says tenderly. "And Wanda, call me if you need help with Tommy. I know a good therapist."

You frown slightly, not understanding what he is referring to, but you prefer to stay out of matters that are none of your business. And then Bucky kisses Wanda on the cheek in farewell and waves to you smiling before leaving. You switch foot weights when you are alone with Wanda. Talking to other people is not exactly your strong suit these past few months.

"So..." You start clumsily when she turns to you. 

"So." She repeats equally embarrassed. You then clear your throat and rush to pull your cell phone out of your pocket and hand it to her.

"Give me your number." You say. "That way we can arrange...whatever this is." 

Wanda smiles weakly as she accepts the device, and you ignore the curious look when she notices the cracks in the screen. A moment later she hands the cell phone back to you.

"I gotta go." She says. "I need to pick up my kids from school."

You nod slightly and force a smile to say goodbye, and Wanda copies your movement before leaving.

You stare at your cell phone next, noticing the slight anxiety in your stomach as you read the contact "Wanda Maximoff" on the screen.

//-//

By the weekend, you are miserable. Just like the first few months.

You spilled some tea under your bed, and when you went to clean it up, you ended up taking the objects that were lying there. And then you found a crumpled piece of paper.

It was your farewell speech. The words you wrote down to speak on the day of the funeral. The paper you pulled out of your pocket when you got home from the ceremony and probably fell under the bed when you collapsed on the floor from crying so hard.

Suddenly your chest tightened and you couldn't breathe. But you didn't want your mother to worry, so you concentrated on remembering the exercises your therapist had taught you.

And when the room started to get too small, you left.

But because it was cold and rainy, you had just taken a hot shower and had decided to brew tea before you finished putting on a sweater, you had bent down to pick up your socks, and the liquid fell on the floor. 

You went outside without your shoes, and your mother let out a worried exclamation when she saw you standing outside, staring at nothing.

"Honey?" She asked walking out the door after seeing you through the kitchen window. "Honey, what is it?"

You didn't answer. Your face was wet. Your mother's hands wrapped around your shoulders, and she gently pushed you inside, worried that you would end up getting hypothermia.

"I'm fine." You gasped as she led you inside, but she just shook her head. "I'm fine."

"No, honey." She retorted making you frown. "You're not."

"Mom."

"Sit down." 

And then there were blankets around you, and socks on your feet. And your mother was in the kitchen, on the phone, but everything seemed stuffy. You began to be absent again. Thousands of memories flashing through your eyes.

An image of yourself on that living room floor, laughing while your girlfriend had her arms wrapped around you. Your mother was pouring a glass of wine for each of you, and you were happy to tell her about your engagement.

Then an image of you running across the room, trying to dodge the tickles your father tickled you while you laughed.

Then a puppy in your hands on the floor. You looked at it fondly, laughing at how cute it looked. 

Looking down, you saw a hand on your thigh. It was your wife's, the ring on her finger. She smiled at you. You were happy because that was the day you told your mother about the house purchase.

You gasped slightly when you felt someone's hand on your shoulder suddenly.

"I need you to tell me three things you can see." It was Agatha. God, you should have been out of reaction long enough for her to get here. Wiping away your tears, you took a deep breath, trying to reason straight.

"I... I..." You started, but your brain didn't seem to obey you. You took another deep breath. You could see the carpet, so you told her so.

"Two more." Agatha asked tenderly, her hand caressing your back from top to bottom. 

"The... table." You replied crying. "I can see the table."

"That's right, honey." She said. "Just one more now. Tell me what else?"

"My feet." You add breathlessly. "I can see my feet."

"Now breathe with me, okay?" She asks. "Like I taught you."

The exercises help you to calm down again. You apologize for scaring your mother, and for making Agatha drive to your house, but neither of them is upset with you. You feel exhausted, but the doctor wants to talk to you after she accepts the cup of coffee your mother offers her.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks as you sit on the covered porch, fluffy pillows around you.

You lower your gaze to the floor, sniffling lightly.

"I found my grief speech." You count. "Under my bed. The next minute I was outside."

Agatha sighs.

"You ready to talk about the accident."

You raise your eyes quickly, frowning, because it wasn't a question.

"W-what?"

She takes a deep breath, crossing her legs.

"It's suffocating you." She clarifies. "You need to talk or these attacks will happen again."

"I-I don't..."

"It won't be today." She interrupts with a tender smile. "Tonight you need to sleep. But we won't prolong this any longer. You need to talk about it, even if it’s only to scream."

Clenching your jaw, you hold back your tears as Agatha takes one last look at you before getting up. She murmurs that she will see you on Monday, but you don't look at her.

//-//

You don't sleep well on Sunday. And it's definitely because you can't stop thinking about your appointment.

And it goes well for the first twenty minutes. Agatha doesn't pressure you, and agrees to hear about your week, without mentioning the incident on Thursday.

There is a pause after you have told her about the dog barking noise in the early morning and then you know it is time to speak up.

"I was driving." You say softly suddenly, ignoring the feeling that your throat wants to close up. Agatha has her hands folded in her lap as she listens to you. "She...she was sleeping in the passenger seat." You swallow dryly, trying to count and not get caught up in the memory again, your heart racing. Talking is almost like going back there. "I looked at her for a moment and I got distracted... and then... we just..."

You only realize that you are crying because tears fall on your hand. You blink, sniffling. Taking a deep breath, you continue.

"We fell into the water, and Nat...she just...I couldn't get her belt off." You gasp breathlessly. "The water just...kept coming up around us. And she looked at me, and... she just shook her head like she knew what was going to happen." You tell between sobs. Agatha's eyes water, but she doesn't interrupt. "I just...she pushed me. She pushed my hands away and she told me she would follow me. And god... my dumb brain believed her!" You confess angrily. "She told me she was right behind me! And I swam out and when I came up she wasn't with me."

You shut up, not being able to tell anymore through the sobs. You can't even see the office clearly because of the tears.

It takes a moment for you to speak again, your head down.

"When I swam back, the car was completely covered with water everywhere" You recount. "I...I was going to dive again.... I wanted to get her out of there. But the people who saw the accident jumped in after us. And they pulled me out of the water. And I kept thinking that if I hadn't been distracted, she...she would be...."

"No." Agatha interrupts by offering you a tissue. "Natasha had a stomach injury, don't you remember?" She counters and you gasp, the words echoing in your brain. "That's why you couldn't remove the belt."

And then you were remembering clearly now.

Soft music echoed in the car as you hummed the tune and drove to your friends' house. Your wife mumbled softly beside you, making you smile as you watched the sleeping figure. The red hair in front of her face.

"Hey sleepyhead." You called softly, looking away from the track for a moment. "We're almost there."

Nat muttered in agreement. You bit your lip, thinking she looked beautiful. And then you heard a noise, and a white light in the window. You barely had time to frown when the impact threw your car off the road.

Your body tensed immediately as you sat up, looking around with desperation. The car was sinking fast and you turned to Nat.

A wound on her forehead was bleeding, and she was clearly disoriented as you touched her hands. You hurried to unbuckle her belt, but it was jammed tightly in her waist, and you gasped in shock at the wound.

"N-no." You grumbled, trying to move the metal, but Nat gasped in pain, pushing your hands away. You could barely breathe in desperation. Your feet were freezing, because the water was already at your ankles. "Babe, move please. We have to get out."

Nat advanced toward you, taking off your belt. You tried to touch her, but she pushed your hands away again, intending to guide you out.

" Sweetheart, go! Open the door! " she commanded and you shook your head, the water on your knees. Nat forced a smile, the tears in her eyes made your stomach turn. "Don't worry love. I'm right behind you."

As you opened the door, the water moved all the way into the car, and you held your breath Nat repeated the words "I'm right behind you" one more time. And then you swam out.

When you reached the surface, you were alone.

Sobbing, you couldn't say anything else to Agatha, and she proceeded to stroke your back, trying to soothe you with words of affirmation.

"I need you to remember some things honey." She says tenderly. "You couldn't have helped Natasha. She got stuck. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened." Agatha whispers to you, and you sob. "Remember the investigation, okay? The police said that the driver of the truck was drunk and hit your car after he fell asleep. It wasn't your fault." Agatha says trying to remind you. You gasp, countless memories flooding your head at once. "Say that for me, will you?" She asks and you gasp. "Tell me it wasn't your fault."

You sob, burying your face in your hands. It takes a moment, but you repeat the words.

"It wasn't my fault." You whisper breathlessly. "It...it wasn't my fault."

When you leave therapy that day, you feel different.

You think that it is the healing process that is beginning to work. You still have a long way to go, but you have the feeling that a weight has been lifted off your back, because you have started to believe your own words. You could not have saved Natasha.

There is still a deep sadness in you, but you still buy your favorite drink on the way home, and try to stay in the living room for a few hours before going to your room when you are inside.

[im-pok]

Just for fun (and to make these easier to find) I have made a compilation of JSRF quotes!

I did find the quotes from this video by RisingSonic17 on YouTube. I do suggest watching it as it gives more context to the lines:

Keep in mind that some interactions may be missing, as I have never played JSRF and may be unaware of some interactions. Characters and their quotes appear in chronological order according to the video.

Corn:

"This is the GG's Garage. Hey, where's our pizza? Huh? You're not the pizza guy? Oh, you're here to join the GG's, eh? Heh... Tell you what. Find Gum. She's the one you wanna talk to. Just get close to her and pull the 'Right Trigger'. Got it?"

"Why don't you talk to her now?"

"Now, just 'cause you're new don't mean you can act like a big baby. The police are tightening up here, especially since the Rokkaku took over the police force. I know we look crazy 'n all, but even we know to pick our fights. So don't mess things up for the rest of us, got it?"

"Roboy's training changes as your skill level changes, so be on the lookout."

"I had a feeling Poison Jam would have their hideout in the sewers beneath Rokkaku-dai Heights. This is it... looks like the time to throw down has finally come."

"Man, those Poison Jam freaks are out of control. I say we start on Chuo Street and cover everything to Rokkaku-dai Heights and 99th Street in our graffiti. Chuo Street is probably the best place to start."

"Roboy told you, right? If you find a Mystery Tape, you gotta check the GG-notebook. It'll tell you where to find the Graffiti Souls in the area."

"Where the hell is Yoyo? Maybe he freaked out and skipped town? I'm sure he's alright. But we gotta take care of those Immortals. They've been walkin' around like they own the place. We gotta go and cover up all their graffiti."

"I'll send those Immortals back to the grave as many times as I need to!"

"We'll stop those Noise Tanks!"

Gum:

"Poison Jam knows something about Yoyo. I know they do."

"Damn! Punk, I'll get you for that!"

"The fortified residential zone... that's deep in the ghetto. And it could be the fake one again..."

"Here they come. The crazies from the Golden Rhinos. Concentrate, and watch your back. These guys ain't no joke."

"We gotta protect the streets. That's not a choice. We can't let these fools just waltz in and take over."

"The real enemy is your own fear. Remember that."

"So you're the cat that wants to join us, huh? I don't know where you're from, but the streets are tough. Real tough. Let's see what you're made of. We'll start you off nice and slow. Let's see how much air you can grab. Press the "A Button" to jump."

"Dogenzaka Hill is GG territory. I heard there's some headphone wearin' freak creepin' up here. If I could just find him, I'd show him what's up...."

"You can do it, can't you?"

"There are a couple of places in Shibuya Terminal where you can get on the roof of some buildings. You can get there by jumping from a Grind. You should check it out. Who knows what you'll find up there? When you're looking for something, the best place to start is the Map. You can see it by pressing the START button."

"The area of 99th Street is built around a tower that has a bunch of places to Grind. Definitely check that place out. There are also telephone poles to Grind and billboards to Wallride... the most important thing is to just try everything out. Oh, and don't forget to check the map by pressing the START button. That should give you some helpful hints"

"We actually found Roboy in a dumpster. Corn fixed him up real nice."

"I've been lost in the severs before. Its kinda crazy in there, but as long as you keep moving up, you'll be ok."

"Yoyo just can't chill and stay out, can he? He'll be back soon, I'm sure. I heard the Immortals hang out in the skyscraper district or something..."

"Actually, they say Roboy is actually a Noise Tank prototype. Don't tell him that though, ok? We don't wanna make him cry or nothin'. In any case, we're gonna get those damn Noise Tanks."

Yoyo:

"Those tracks should connect Sky Dinosaurian Square to the edge of the skyscraper district..."

"I hear that Poison Jam's woman leader has been showin' her face in town."

"Man, the Rhinos gotta be pissed off!"

"Shibuya Terminal is in a state of panic. I really wanna stay out of this, but we gotta go over there and take care of business."

"Don't use your eyes. Just try to feel it, ya know?"

"Graffiti has the power to wake up the energy that's asleep in the streets of Tokyo. The Rokkaku Group... the police... they don't know what's up. So let's just cover this whole place in art, yo."

"Yo, you know that dude Hayashi from the Rokkaku police force? That guy is one messed up dude. He's a complete psycho. Watch out for him."

"I heard through the grapevine that some weird-lookin' girl's been hangin' out at Rokkaku-dai Heights."

"So you think Poison Jam is after us?"

"We gotta get the Doganzaka Hill goddess statue that Poison Jam took. We better hurry, or things are gonna get real ugly."

Beat:

"Anything go down while I was gone?"

"I've always thought that thing in Shibuya Terminal was nasty lookin' anyway! Let's do a little redecoration."

"Sometimes, you just gotta get moving or else nothin's gonna get done, yo.

"Hey, I've heard of you. You're one of the GG's, huh? Tell you what... I'll race you. If I can beat you in a race around Doganzaka Hill, then this place belongs to me. Got it?"

"Hope you won't regret that."

"Shibuya Terminal? Now that you mention it, there was this huge guy wandering around there... And fishy graffiti? That sounds familiar, but I didn't really look close enough to see if the graffiti that the fool was paintin' actually looked like a fish or nothin'."

"Hey. Is it true Poison Jam used to cause trouble in Chuo Street under a different name?"

"Rapid 99 of 99th Street. They don't show their faces in public very often. Some say Rapid 99 and Poison Jam are sworn enemies because something big went down a while back. I don't know the details, though. A friend of mine told me that the girls in Rapid 99 are real lookers. I just think he was too scared of 'em to say otherwise. In any case, it ain't gonna be easy to find 'em."

"You meet Rapid 99 yet?"

"Noise Tanks? Never heard of 'em. But we gotta find Yoyo. I'll go through the sewers and check out Kiboganoka Hill."

"Those Immortals really get on my nerves..."

"Crazy stuff is going down all over town! Looks like it's time for a little clean up... GG's style!"

Combo:

"Time to get serious."

"This kid's kinda funny."

"This time we should be able to tell if it's the real one or the fake Yoyo just by talkin' to him, right?"

"That crazy guy?! What're you talkin' about? He looks nothing like me. Besides, we don't got time to deal with that fool. Remember? The Golden Rhinos??"

"Well, they told us to come. Don't look like we got any choice."

"There are some things that you can only feel when you're out in the streets, you know?"

"What's this?! Who's been sprayin' these ugly tags on my turf?! Hmph. I'm guessin' it was you... Its on! If you loose, you're gonna be answerin' to me from now on, punk!"

"You think you can do this too? Let's see it!"

"Man, you're not all that. Here, I'll show you one more time."

"The deep end of the sewers is closed off because it's contaminated. At least, that's what I heard..."

"Hey, why you gotta go out and get a dog?! There's only one thing I hate more than dogs, and that's goldfish."

"I heard Rapid 99 used to run under a leader named Cube..."

"Thing that ticks me off most is, the Immortals ain't worth all this talk and trouble. I wonder if they got somethin' to do with Yoyo's disappearance?"

"There's a bunch of real big guys with real big attitudes causin' a big scene over on Highway Zero. Maybe they might know something about the Noise Tanks. Man, where the hell is Yoyo?!"

Rynth:

"What is UP with Yoyo, anyway?!"

"Hey, Graffiti Souls are a big commodity, right?"

"I don't care if it's a golden rhino or a blue hippo, I'll send 'em right back to the zoo where they belong."

"What's their master plan? I mean, the Golden Rhinos don't seem like their just out here to run the streets, you know what I'm sayin'?" (This quote was spelled like this in game. From my knowledge it should be "they're just out here...")

"Here comes Gouji. Let's end this."

"Did you get all the Graffiti Souls? We still got a full laundry list of things to take care of, you know."

"Hehehe... So this is your hideout."

"Poison Jam are... kinda cute!"

"Is it just me, or does Captain Hayashi not look like he eats his breakfast?"

Poison Jam:

"I don't think Yoyo's that kind of a person."

"I think hes hiding something."

"This feels like a trap. Be careful."

"Someone's after DJ-K?! You sure about that?!"

"Gouji Rokkaku is kinda interesting. But, I think he went a little too far this time..."

"I love everything about Tokyo... even the things I hate."

"Hur hur hur. You want to get rid of us, don't you? Nothing in life is free. You gotta work for it. Beat us in this race and we won't mess with you anymore."

"Har har har!! I told ya'll you were a bunch of wussies!"

Rapid 99:

"ghahah! Next thing you know, you will be all crying like a baby."

"If you can win a flag battle against us, I'll tell you where Poison Jam' s hideout is."

"Suit yourself."

Garam:

"I won't hold back."

"Hey. Keep it real."

"There's this lightning-quick girl over at Kiboganoka Hill. Dunno if she's still there. But man, I gotta say, I'm really trippin' out over Yoyo missin' and all."

"When it comes down to it, the Immortals are just dried up mummies, man. I bet they all nasty under those bandages."

Boogie:

"The Noise Tanks might look strong, but they're like cheap action figures! Just run into them and they fall apart! Oh yeah, that girl from the stadium... I heard she's been lookin' for us. You seen her yet?"

"Aww man..."

"The fortified residential zone... it's directly attached to the underground sewers. Man. I don't like that place at all."

"Is that dude in black even human? My heart's pounding... I don't know why."

"You're never as good as you can be! Don't slack off!"

"Y'all are crazy!"

Jazz:

"This doesn't look good."

"Alright. Stay cool."

"Yeah.... we were a little too laid back this time, I think."

"The fortified residential zone... hey, why don't we pick numbers to decide who goes?"

"It's about time the Rhinos brought things up a notch. We better be ready to get real serious too."

"What the hell IS that big thing, anyway? But, you better watch out for that fool in black..."

"If you get a "Jet" in the Trials, you can even use people who aren't here to take out into the streets."

"You're one of the GG's, right? Then tell this fool that they got the wrong girl! They think I'm one of you guys! So, they dragged me out here and looked what's happened to me!!"

"Hurry up! Tell him that I'm not a GG!!"

Noise Tanks:

"Hey, you're that GG that helped me out! Thanks for that man. Say... there's something that I've been wondering since then. You wanna find out who's the fastest? I KNOW I can beat you. Let's give it a shot!"

"Alright. Fine. See ya."

"I'll get 'em good no matter what!"

"The more worked up we get about this, the harder it'll be to find what we're lookin' for."

"There's somethin' not right about the way the Golden Rhino's are actin'."

"Why are those Golden Rhinos going after the Radio station? Well, make sure to be on the lookout for Captain Psychopath."

"We gotta save DJ-K! I can't stand listening to this music anymore!"

"If this town could talk, what poetry it would speak..."

"Ready?"

"Practice all you want, it will not make a difference."

"It is not over yet. Prepare yourselves."

"Heh... Go on. Fight!"

"Are you ready?"

Special interactions:

"Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much you practice."

Slate:

"Dude. I'm bored. Entertain me."

"Hmph. What a bore."

"My sources tell me that the Noise Tanks and the Rokkaku Group are in this together. Be careful."

"So is that Clutch guy in with Rokkaku too? Or is he just a little punk?"

"I'm about ready."

"The Golden Rhinos are really startin' to get on my nerves..."

"I got better things to do than play house with Gouji Rokkaku, but man, that big ugly thing has GOT to go."

"Graffiti Souls' sole purpose is to be sought out."

Clutch:

"You're looking for that kid, Yoyo, right? Tell ya what, if you go out and get some Graffiti Soul points... Hey! Wait a sec, you've already got quite a few. Lemme see those... Sucka! Thanks for the Graffiti Souls! See ya around!"

"Hah, hah! I look forward to it!"

"I dunno, but I just don't get what's going on here. Heh..."

"This Gouji Rokkaku dude is pretty funny!"

"Haaaahaha! Tokyo ain't half bad!"

Cube:

"If you can beat me at my own game, I'll leave you alone."

"Suit yourself."

"The fortified residential zone... Unless you're absolutely sure of your skills, you should stay away from that place."

"I've dealt with the Golden Rhinos once before. If you don't take them seriously, you're as good as dead."

"I can't stand even looking at that thing. Its just so... so... damn ugly!"

"Yeah. You just have to try everything with an open mind."

Beat to Corn:

"So you're the leader of the GG's? Heh... How's this sound? If I beat you in a race around Doganzaka Hill, you and your buddies have to answer to me from now on. If you beat me... well, we'll just see when it happens."

"Huuuh? You're so boooring..."

Talking to Beat in the garage before fighting the police:

"Anyway, I'm ready to rock. But what's up with that pooch, eh? Where did ya pick him up? You sure that's not the leader in disguise? Heh heh. Its only a matter of time before I become the leader of the GG's anyway."

Combo to Gum:

"What's this?! Who's been sprayin' these ugly tags on my turf?! Hmph. Was it you, princess? You've been a bad, bad girl. You've better hit me with everything you've got, 'cause I ain't gonna hold back just because you're a girl!!"

"The cue tone get you all jumpy?"

"You liked that, eh? I'll do it again for you."

Yoyo to Rynth:

"You're... like... you know... yo."

"Where'd you come from?"

Gum to Rynth:

Rynth to Beat:

"Cool. Welcome aboard."

"You kinda... smell weird."

Garam to Boogie:

"Hey. I'm next in command around here, little lady. The name's Garam,"

Combo to Boogie:

"This group is growing bigger every day. Fool just dig me, I guess."

Gum to Boogie:

"So you're the one from Kiboganoka Hill, huh? Well, this is the GG's. What you see is what you get. Just be yourself, you'll be cool."

Garam to Jazz:

"Well, um... I... uh... be cool."

"That freak who's been making all those weird tags... you think he's connected with the Golden Rhinos somehow?"

Boogie to Garam:

"Alright. Stay cool."

Jazz to Garam:

"I feel ya, but I think you should try to chill a bit. Keep it together."

Corn to Clutch:

"What a fool. But the fortified residential zone... that's deep in the ghetto. And it could be the fake one again..."

Jazz to Clutch:

"Don't push your luck."

Beat to Clutch:

"You just wanted some attention from us, right? Aww..."

Combo to Clutch:

"Man, you're such a jerk I almost like you."

Garam to Clutch:

"One of these days, I'll get you one-on-one! Just you and me, fool!"

Boogie to Clutch:

"Fine. I'll let you off just this once."

Slate to Clutch:

"Heh... Stay outta trouble."

Corn to Yoyo:

"Long time no see, bro."

Clutch to Yoyo:

"So you're that Yoyo guy, huh? Heh..."

Jazz to Yoyo:

"So, you're the real deal, huh? 'Sup. I'm Jazz."

Combo to Yoyo:

"You gonna go and try to get back into shape, huh?'

Garam to Yoyo:

"Heh... I caused enough havoc for the both of us while you were gone, bro."

Rynth to Yoyo:

"The most unbelievable stuff was happening while you were gone! Hehehe..."

Yoyo to Slate:

"Hey, sorry about all that, yo. My bad. But thanks to those fools, I'm all out of shape now. Maybe I'll go out and cause a little havoc to warm up, yo."

Yoyo to Jazz:

"Man, things have sure gotten busier sice I was last here?"

Gum to Beat:

"That fool dressed in black who's been hanging around Chuo Street... now that I think about it, you guys kinda look alike."

Clutch to Beat:

"In times like this, you won't fall as long as you look where you're going. Heh heh."

Garam to Beat:

"Hey, you know that guy everyone's been saying looks like you? Well, is it you?"

There is some cutscene dialogue missing from these lines. If I can find all the cutscenes, then I'll be sure to add them.

[gascon-en-exil]

Dark Deity Pre-Release Character Opinions

This isn't actually a tier list, but someone helpfully created a template for this game and it's as good a way as any to do a little visual showcase for this cast. Characters are listed by their class sets, which are fixed but offer a nice variety in terms of promotion options. My opinions on each are as follows, from left to right in each row. Most characters have introductory profiles written up on the DD subreddit, if you'd like to check them out yourself.

Warriors

Alexa

You know those buff female blacksmiths in Echoes and Three Houses that some people wish were playable characters? That's pretty much Alexa. Can't say I'm too hyped about her myself, but warrior + tomboyish female character will do that for me...or not do it, I suppose.

Benji

Seems to have been written to become a meme, and I still can't decide whether that's clever or stupid. Kind of like Raphael only with a bigger emphasis on training than on eating, and with brotherly devotion replaced with brotherly angst that might theoretically go somewhere if the character isn't reduced to being a goofy joke all the time.

Fenton

Doesn't have a character profile, so as far as I know he's just a generic dwarf because DD swaps out its inspiration's loli dragons and other vaguely fetishistic shapeshifters for the two most cliché non-human races in Western fantasy. I wonder whether his VA will voice him with a Scottish accent, to go all in on the (ironic?) laziness. There are a handful of elves in the playable cast, but Fenton is the only dwarf so for better or worse he's representing.

Helena

She's the embodiment of the FE exotic swordswoman archetype, but curiously DD seems to have turned that broad ethnic brush inward. Helena's last name is apparently a Japanese verb, her art shows her with a spear (as in the association of the naginata with women), and she studied and trained in a monastery that seems to blend elements of Buddhism and Shintoism. Not sure how all that fits into the larger setting yet, but at this point she's still got more background development than Petra.

Irving

Our Hero, the one front and center on the cover art. He sounds a bit on the blander side as far as lords or lord equivalents go, with his most promising hook for me being his established friendship with Garrick (see the ranger section). At best I can hope for a bit of a romantic friendship dynamic, although they sound a bit rougher overall as they're military academy schoolmates I wonder why DD went with that instead of lordlings of different territories.

Rogues

Brooke

Looks like Camilla; has a backstory like Niles. Cleavage aside though the sexual element of both is toned down here, and there might be some sapphic bodyguard shenanigans to be had as her current employers are a pair of highborn sisters further down this list.

Cia

For some reason she reminds me of Tressa from Octopath Traveler, only bustier and a bartender rather than a merchant. She's still just a small town girl with big city dreams, and this being a tactical war game following those dreams will inevitably involve stabbing people.

Corvan

Hard to judge him at the moment, as his profile was only the second written and so isn't terribly detailed. He's a moon elf with scholarly interests, apparently. Still, as of right now he's the only rogue who doesn't slot loosely into either a ninja/assassin or pirate aesthetic, so that's kind of neat. Also, he's one of several characters to have FEH-esque beach fanart made of them already, so clearly someone's into elf twinks.

Ford

A former officer at the military academy Irving attends and a smuggler who dotes on his niece, Ford has major dad energy. Per developer reveals he's also bi, and as I mentioned before I'm totally fine with that. More bear sex, please - but what guy in this cast would hop in the sack with Ford? Only time will tell. His personal skill makes him extra dodgy, which combined with the mug of booze in his art makes me think of WoW brewmasters who dodge-tank through the power of being wasted.

Wren

Like Brooke, he's an assassin from a foreign nation - in his case the same one as Helena so presumably he's a not!Japanese ninja. I'm not really feeling him at the moment. What is it about Hao'Fen (the city/territory he and Helena come from) and massive families? That comes up in both their backstories.

Rangers

Caius

I feel like this is the third or fourth character to grow up in some slum or other; at least they've all been in different towns so far. The relative rarity of noble characters is certainly different from FE, but it reduces the political stakes which leaves me wondering a bit about the story. Anyway, Caius is a small town desert hunter who learned how to make arrows out of animal bones. How aerodynamic is bone, I wonder?

Garrick

Irving's BFF and seemingly the Hector to Irving's Eliwood, only with more flirting (his intro doesn't specify that Garrick is flirting with women, but I'm not going so far as to say that indicates anything). He's the academy headmaster's son, with a strained relationship with his father for some of that hotheaded lead tension. Notably, his VA is the one I'm most familiar with in this cast, as he's the voice of Revali from Breath of the Wild as well as love interests in two different erotic gay dating sims I've played. In other words, I know what this guy sounds like making awkwardly simulated sex noises...and I have no idea what to do with that information.

Maeve

She's a half-elf with a very storied background, so much so that it's all rather hard to follow her exploits when little of what's being described has been fully revealed yet. I'm expecting her to be a mid/lategame recruit, unless she's dropped in early on to reveal that (sun) elves exist or something.

Rose

Imagine if Bernadetta were a commoner, although we can only hope they'll be less screaming. Alternatively, Neimi without an obvious boyfriend. She won the beach contest so now she has official swimsuit art, which I guess makes her a top-tier waifu in the eyes of players who care about such things.

Sophia

A ranger in the "has animal companions" sense, although whether that will come into play mechanically aside from her personal skill - Butter the ferret can attack with her! - remains to be seen. Her preference for the company of animals is explained by a lack of social graces, so prepare for klutz-related humor. Of note to those interested in F/F is that her introduction specifically brings up her connection with Sloane (see the mage section) and how close the two of them are.

Clerics

Faust

Doesn't have a profile yet, so not much to go off other than his decidedly unhinged look. The cleric class set does feature some darker-flavored options, so presumably he's more naturally aligned with those. His VA was announced to be the YouTuber behind So This is Basically Fire Emblem and other similar videos, so I'm picturing a kooky and somewhat demented Henry type.

Lincoln

Also lacks a profile at time of writing...clerics get so little love. The Discord has identified him a bland blond paladin sort, but as we know from the likes of Perceval and especially Dimitri that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be boring (or not gay).

Maren

The soft-spoken healer type, and also a childhood friend of Garrick although her intro sibling-zones him but then this game is inspired by FE so who knows if that'll stick. She may have some interesting thoughts on the theology of the setting, as there seem to be several faiths and she's said to have a complicated relationship with her own. I will be utterly shocked if she's not either Irving or Garrick's eventual love interest.

Samara

One of two princesses of the country of Aramor, which appears to be loosely inspired by the Middle East. Heaven help us if the Khalidstans ever get wind of this game. Unfortunately aside from her bond with her older sister (in the mage section) and the knowledge that Brooke has been hired as their bodyguard there's not much to Samara at the moment. Hopefully the clerics all do some comparative theology in their bond conversations, and this isn't like Sacred Stones where none of the clergy characters from different countries ever compare notes. The succession crisis involving Samara and her sister vs. their less-loved cousin the king's son might be a major plot hook? It's still too early to tell.

Vesta

Much like Maeve her backstory has entirely too much going on to really follow at the moment. Basically she's a human who grew up in a sun elf city because Reasons (seriously, I don't know what they are) and was called to a clerical vocation and also something about taking a journey. Has an unfortunate case of silly boob armor, which unlike a certain other character probably won't be rectified this close to release.

Mages

Alden

Maren's precocious younger brother, also basically Ricken up to and including the comically oversized hat. As a unit he follows the tradition of Donnel, Mozu, and Cyril of having a personal skill that buffs his stat gains, so it's safe to say he's a growth unit. At least he'll probably join early.

Liberty

Comes with dead brother angst and a connection to the "aspects" system that will hopefully make more sense once I've played the game and know how it functions both mechanically and from a storytelling perspective. Otherwise she looks to be a busty older - as in, not a teenage - mage in the vein of Calill.

Monroe

Got the first ever character profile, so it's really short. He's the son of a duke and sounds like a bit of a snob, albeit one that can make explosions happen to back up his haughtiness. He's got some scarring around his eye that surely must come with a story. Someone also made featured fanart of him in Heroes summer banner style, so I guess he's got somebody horny already.

Sara

Samara's half-sister, with comparable fantasy Middle Eastern flavoring. Has an interest in discovering magical artifacts and being a just ruler in the event she winds up on the throne (so, almost definitely), and she and Samara travel around with the assassin Brooke as their bodyguard. There's maybe some lesbian possibilities there? Either way, Sara has enough development where I could see her as a major supporting character.

Sloane

Comes with a genuinely fascinating backstory involving manipulative double-crossing parents, an education in the cruelties and deceptions of social life (reflected in her personal skill), and disinheritance - and yet it's all likely to be overshadowed because she may go down as DD's equivalent to Fates's face-touching. Her initial art is even more revealing than Camilla's, and while the developers later gave her a more modest redesign after negative feedback I get the feeling that this controversy may live on. Her introduction mentions her hunting for both heirs and heiresses and she's now been linked to Sophia, so safe to say she's another confirmed bi character.

Adepts

While the other class sets are standard fantasy fare adepts require a bit more explanation. They have innate magical abilities and appear to be feared and distrusted most places in the setting. Functionally they remind me of adepts from the Golden Sun series, if anyone is familiar with those games. The classes in the adept group tend more toward physical/magical hybridization than those of other sets, so that will probably be their mechanical niche. Oh, and their default weapon type is lances, which is a plus in my book.

Aurima

Along with Caius and the royal sisters, he's another one from the desert nation of Aramor. An arena fighter who got touched by a god in what I assume was a non-sexual way and came out of it with a new appearance and adept powers. Also, he's confirmed to be over 40 - how often do you see that in games like this?

Bianca

Looks like a more carefree Mathilda from Echoes. She's a ranking officer in the Delian army which sounds like it'd sit uneasily with her adept powers. Her profile describes Lincoln as her close friend, which is still about the most we know about him at this point.

Elias

This guy's writing plays more into the fairly standard coding that comes with adept powers, as we know they manifested shortly before he was going to confess his feelings to a male paramour and afterwards he was forced to flee his homeland and wander the world. He also spent time among dwarves, so insert short bear jokes here? In the present he's attached to Cia in what seems to be a platonic way; maybe she's a fruit fly, or maybe she just likes having a friend who can light drunken assholes on fire? Elias is definitely into guys, but I would still be a little surprised if he turned out to be totally gay as that's such a rarity in these sorts of things.

Iris

Oof, another lengthy and rough backstory. Iris had better parents than Sloane, but she also had to deal with permanent facial scarring (hence the mask) after a bandit kidnapping and the stigma of manifesting as an adept pretty much eliminating the prospects of her making a good political marriage. Also, she and Elias both come from Neullais, which is prominently featured on the continental map on the DD subreddit but doesn't seem to come up all too often in backstories. I think it's a not!France? Hard to tell.

Thae'lanel

A World of Warcraft blood elf, flowing anime hair and apostrophe'd name and all. I like WoW so that's not terribly grating, but as he has no profile yet there's little else I can say. Thae'lanel is mentioned in Maeve's introduction as a member of a sun elf group called the Exiled, which I'm guessing is tied to his adept status in some way. He and Maeve form yet another adventurer/bodyguard duo.

[shibalen]

💥hewwo can I pwease get a romantic male matchup for bnha (darkbox bc I live for angst) (music box) when you have the time uwu

Levi he/him gay entp supposedly (also if it's not too much to ask please no characters under the age of 18 please)

I've been described as having a strong and loud personality, I'm extroverted and outspoken. I'm pretty eccentric too.

I value friendship, kindness and standing up for others.

Goal wise I'm pretty aimless. I dont have any goals, if I die well I guess that's it babey. In the meantime I'm just here to help animals and people who need it.

Positive traits: I always stick up for people in need, I'm good at reading people, I'm good with animals, I love to make people smile and laugh, cheerful, good at talking my way out of bad situations, uhm. Friendly!

Negative traits would be: hot headed, loud, stubborn, arrogant, comes across as intimidating:( good at getting into bad situations, gets into fights very often. Can be spiteful, I've been described as a pyromaniac so theres that. Can be sadistic

What pisses me off: my father. I can and will cause trouble for that man for as long as I live. And people who pick on the weak.

My hobbies and interests areeee: true crime babey! Crying over video games, baking, the occult, taking naps, dream interpretations and tarot readings

Likes: animals, cats specifically, stars, fire, sunsets, supposedly haunted places, storms, being dramatic for the hell of it, tormenting people in a good hearted way

Dislikes: uhhhh hot weather I guess.

Quirks: uh I have 5 cats! Ones my fathers but he never takes care of his cat so i pretty much count him as my own (plus he likes me more than my dad and it pisses my dad off hehe) I have weirdly accurate intuition, it makes reading people easy, knowing what they want to hear and what they dont.

Uhhh dates and relationship wise I'm honestly happy doing whatever my s/o wants to do. All I want is to see their face light up.

My love language is physical touch, I dont like touching people but if it's someone I feel strongly about youd have to pry me away from them.

I once got kicked out of a library for starting a fight in it, trashy I know but I wasnt going to stand there and do nothing while my friends were being bullied and pressured into getting involved with a really dodgy man. I scared the bullies off for good at least B) they never bothered my friend again babey

Oh I'm also known around the area I live in as someone who's good at finding homes of lost pets. Often times I come across a lost animal and befriend it in no time and use my connections to find its family.

Sorry if this was rly long and thank you for your time!! I hope you have a fantastic day uwu if anything's too difficult to come up with ideas for I'm more than happy for you to change anything to make it easier for you too!

♡︎ matchup for anon

heya! here i am with another late matchup but i hope you still see this. i'm sorry about the delay (╯_╰)

bnha: i match you with . . .

natsuo todoroki !!

• this was one of those "heureka!" moments for me. you both hate your dads and hot weather? it's a match made in heaven! okay jk, these are just nice add-ons.

• what really made me consider Natsuo were your values and personality. kindness and friendships are important to both of you. Natsuo's a medical student so i am convinced helping others is high on his priority list too. he loves your driven and passionate nature because he doesn't go sugarcoating bs either.

• you're definitely the more energetic one while Natsuo only gets hot-headed about the things that are the most important to him. i think it's a good compromise, you can help each other out :)

• he was a little taken aback and cautious of your explosiveness at first but warmed up to it quickly after learning what a kind person you really were. now he thinks your dramatic attitude is funny during your sillier moments ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

• speaking of, you lads met at an animal shelter. there had been a dog that was astray in the neighbourhood of his home, so Natsuo, being a responsible boyo, took it to the local shelter.

• then there you were, standing by the help desk with five kittens wrapped in your jacket in your arms. apparently someone had been trying to drown them so you'd taken care of the situation accordingly.

• Natsuo understood jumping into a lake to rescue the poor animals because he would have done the same, but you could have had just called the police?? it was extremely ridiculous but admirable at the same time to beat all those guys up.

• your chat turned into a pleasant conversation afterwards as you were waiting for the animals to finish their check-ups. Natsuo was a bit shy but you didn't mind and kept the chat going which he appreciated.

• later he volunteered to help you look for good homes for the animals you'd both found. during this project the two of you got to know each other quite well and ended up hanging out together afterwards!

• and from that point on, everything fell into place naturally. the growing spark between you was undeniable and you both knew it. Natsuo definitely liked you longer, he was just a lil dense about it . . .

• you're nothing short of a hero in his eyes but dear lord he worries for you. when he's attending lectures he sometimes can't help but wonder if you're all right and not getting involved in anything violent.

• attends to your possible injuries while nagging you not to be so quick to start a fight next time. in return, you playfully bully him for being such a mom.

• you join forces with Fuyumi to pick on him about your relationship. even though you're already together, soft Natsuo still blushes when his affection for you is brought up, it's entertaining for both you and Fuyumi.

• idk if you've heard but Natsuo's 181cm tall!! hugging someone has never been easier even if you happen to be taller than him. the only thing is his skin's naturally kind of chilly so he's lowkey worried if you dislike it but you always assure him he's perfect!

• one time he was stressed over exams so you baked him some blueberry muffins. he gave you the biggest hug and kiss because it's exactly all these little things you do that set his heart racing for you ♡︎

• "last night i saw a dream about being a frog and eating giant flies, it was gross."

• "oh, that just means your love life is about to become fun."

• "i'm not sure how those two are related."

• "just trust me. i'm a pro at this."

• he also likes giving you headpats as much as he likes receiving them! his hands are quite big so he often runs his fingers through your hair when you're cuddling or hugging. it's especially relaxing after a long period of studying. also him carring you on his broad back ԅ(￣ε￣ԅ)

• you enjoy the little things in life and complain about your fathers together. you've agreed to wait a while before even mentioning your relationship to them because, honestly, Natsuo doesn't want any more horrible influences in your life.

• you get him sucked into the world of video games. it's always fun to watch him struggle but he never gets salty about losing maybe a lil he adores your smile as you laugh at him for being so bad at them.

• your dates include: helping out at animal shelters and retirement homes, video game and movie nights (especially about true crime), arcades and astronomy tower explorstions. i feel like Natsuo's more into traditional, romantic and chill dates and that's your usual thing. though i see sometimes you going to get coffee and ending up solving a 50-year-old murder case instead (✧ω✧)

❦︎ ink box

— despite Natsuo's best efforts to distance himself from Endeavor, it wasn't quite as easy and everyone was very much aware of the Todoroki family. and now the son of the number 1 hero had a lover.

— it wasn't actually that troublesome at first. some newpaper paparazzi occasionally annoyed you but you didn't care for them. most of the time Natsuo and you had your peace during dates aside from a few casual fans.

— but of course there are all sorts of people out there, some out for revenge, some for money, and being desperate means using even the lowest of methods to get what you want.

— so one time it happened, and it was all that took. several bitter villains thought they'd get their revenge through you, silly as it may sound. they made a big show of kidnapping you and demanding Endeavor to 'make up' for his wrongdoing. but all got resolved thanks to heroes, the only casualty being Natsuo's heart from almost exploding from worry and his deepening hatred for his father.

— later on, it wasn't that Natsuo was worried about you not being able to handle yourself, he feared what might happen if more of powerful villains came after you.

— so, after some debate, you agreed not to meet up for a short while to let the fuse of the incident settle down. it would be safer once the media forgot about it. you still texted and chatter over phone though!

— but then a week turned into two weeks, then into a month. you were wondering what was taking Natsuo to say the coast was clear and did a straight-up inquiry through a video chat.

— you could see he was restless the entire time. he said you should wait longer just to be sure everything was calm before meeting up. you became irritated because he was obviously lying and not being his normal, brutally honest self.

— why was he giving you this crap straight to your face?

— truthfully, Natsuo hadn't been sleeping all right recently. ever since that day he had reoccurring nightmares about something awful happening to you. they were just dreams, he knew. yet considering his ruffled up past and the frequency of those horrible visions, it would have been lie to say he was unaffected.

— paranoia just wouldn't leave him alone, and no matter how much he wanted to hold you in his arms again and hated making up stupid excuses, the voice at the back of his mind whispered this was for the best.

— after a month and a half had passed you've had just about enough, however. whatever reason he was keeping you in the dark for did no longer stop you from crashing into his house and demanding the truth.

— Natsuo knew you and expected this to eventually happen. after you made such a powerful entrance though he also knew there was no getting around it this time. really, it was comforting knowing you cared so deeply.

— he told you exactly what had been happening and you resisted the urge to punch him in the arm for having such a mindset. but the look in his beautiful grey eyes was so heartbreaking you threw yourself to embrace him instead. your touch was everything Natsuo had craved for for all this time.

— you skillfully assured him for the next couple of hours while keeping the talk light-hearted (he had obviously been overthinking way too much already). soon enough the issue was resolved and you had a sleepover right there to make uo for the lost time (Shoto and Fuyumi kept eavesdropping on you because y'all were being way too loud in a cute way).

— "i love you, Natsu, but if you ever keep something like this a secret from me again, i can't guarantee the safety of your arm or your front door."

♫︎ music box

— If I Had An Airplane by SayWeCanFly

— This December by Rick Montgomery

— Round & Laundry from Carole and Tuesday

— Haven't Had Enough by Marianas Trench

— Bowie On The Radio by Ryan McMullan

♡︎ runner up: Dabi / Touya Todoroki

thank you for requesting, hopefully you enjoyed this! i'm really pleased about matching you with Natsuo, it's just so perfect. have a lovely day and remember to take care of yourself ♡︎

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Seven

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Six

Read chapter here on wattpad

Word Count: 3.2K

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse, mentions of abuse

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"...I don't think that's necessary." I argue, stepping down the hallway with Ross and Tansy at my heels.

"Oh, c'mon, Viv, it's one shoot." Tansy tells me. "I think it would be nice."

"Of course you would, Tansy. You like stuff like that." I reply. "I have no business being in a magazine like that."

"It's Metal Edge." Ross interjects with this British accent in my ears. "All you need to do is be pretty and stand against a wall with Nikki for a couple of pictures." He explains and I glare back at him.

"Isn't it a rock magazine that covers musicians?" I ask.

"Yeah." He tells me.

"Hmm. I'm not a musician. I have no business being in it." I make my point.

"Your Nikki's wife. You've got a pretty face and banging body and the fans will appreciate that." He argues.

"Ah, so now I'm the little extra on the side so when the fans get done reading about their favorite band, they can rub one out imagining the bassist's pretty wife with a banging body, naked."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Yeah, you did." I state as we walk towards Nikki, Vince, Tommy, and Mick.

"Can we hurry up and take this, man?" Nikki asks him.

"Tell your wife to take a picture for the damn magazine." Ross states to him.

"Wife, take a picture for the damn magazine." Nikki repeats with very little enthusiasm.

"No." I cross my arms, looking up at him.

"Vivian, they told me to get a couple of photographs with you and Nikki together." Ross continues to plead. "It's one picture. You're not selling your soul."

I look at Tansy as she's giving me a small, reassuring, smile.

"Fine." I give up, rolling my eyes.

Ross let's out a breath of relief being that we've been going back and forth for 45 minutes now.

"I'll go get ready while you guys do whatever." I tell him.

"Thank you!" He calls after me, as Tansy has my hand in hers, pulling me to the dressing room.

Ross Haflin was the band's photographer that documented every tour.

Everything from random, sweet, camaraderie filled candids of the band, to pictures from their shows that you can practically hear the music through, to even some full frontal nudity shots of someone in the band who will not be named. (Hint: It's definitely not Mick.)

I finish my makeup as Tansy finishes curling my hair, examining her work in the mirror.

Once I get changed into the tight black minidress and red heels Tansy tosses my way, we're meeting Ross and Nikki in the hall.

Nikki's face is lighting up like a lightbulb when he sees me, I don't know if it's because of coke in his system or if he's just glad to see me.

"You look great." He grins at me, his eyes looking me up and down before placing random kisses all over my face, causing me to smile like an idiot.

"10 minutes, guys." Doc says just as we're kissing, pulling the both of us back from each other to stand against the wall.

"Try to look like you love each other." Ross says sarcastically after Nikki pulls me closer beside him. "Alright, one, two..." Ross counts off. Just as he says "three" Nikki's fingers are tickling at my side, cause me to laugh and jerk a little, ruining the picture.

"Nikki." I complain, nudging at him a little.

After several more attempts to take a serious photo, one of them involving him pulling the bottom of my dress up, we finally get the winning picture: him with my crucifix between his bared teeth, looking directly at the camera, while my mouth is pulled into a smile as I laugh at his stupidity, my arms loosely around his waist.

After the show, Doc is pulling the guys back into the dressing room before they can entertain the idea of changing really quick and hitting the town.

"Something good has happened." Doc tells them, smiling, leaving us glancing at each other in confusion.

"What is it?" Tansy and I both ask at the same time, my heart racing despite him saying it's good news.

"As of today, Shout At The Devil and Theater of Pain have both been certified double-platinum." Doc informs us. 

I look at Nikki to gauge his reaction as Tansy let's out an excited shrill, engulfing Tommy and Vince both in a hug. She goes to do the same to Mick, but he looks at her blankly, only making her squeeze at his hand with a proud smile. 

"Nikki?" I ask cautiously, seeing him wearing a neutral expression, my arm looping around his.

"Who the fuck are these people?" He questions suddenly, causing us to fall silent. "Who the fuck listens to us that much?" He adds and I rub my lips together. 

"People who really love you." Tansy states like it's known knowledge. 

I don't think Nikki knew he was capable of being loved as unconditionally as their fans loved them. 

Later that night, laying in the silent hotel room, hearing Vince have his nightly menage a trois as Tansy sleepily tosses beside me in our bed. 

Me and her have been left by Nikki and Sparkie, Tommy tagging along, to go out.

Tansy's been attempting sobriety...kind of?

"Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh!" Short, high-pitched squeaks leaves one of the girls Vince is with and I cringe in disgust.

"Ew." I mumble, trying to cover my ears.

"It's so fucking big." The other girl comments in a wanton moan.

"It's not that big." Tansy comments tiredly, causing me to choke on my spit. "It's good, but he never had me—"

"Oh, fuck, I'm gonna cum!" The first girl nearly screams out, causing Vince to groan.

The next thing we hear through the thin walls is the sound of gushing liquid hitting the wall we're against as the girl gives out a cry.

"Okay, he's either upped his game or they're getting off on the fact they're simply fucking Vince Neil because I definitely did not do that when we dated." Tansy's interested now, sitting up and pressing her ear against the wall.

"Why on Earth would you want to hear that?!" I scold in a whisper. "You pervert." I add.

"My turn." The second girl pipes sultrily. "Did I mention I can lock my ankles behind my neck?" 

"Awe, Viv, you can do that." Tansy whispers, nudging my arm with her hand as if that makes me and the random woman kindred spirits.

"How do you know that?" I ask her with furrowed brows.

"Tape 2, four minute and forty-three second mark." She says casually, focusing on hearing the action next door.

"You've seen our sex tape?!" I keep my voice to a loud whisper.

"I've seen all of them." She replies. "You look hot in them, don't worry."

"I—"

"I'd like to see that." Vince tells the woman arrogantly, interrupting what I was about to say.

"Gross." I groan out, covering my head with my pillow to drown out the noises.

After a couple more minutes of trying not to vomit from hearing his sex, I'm snatching the covers off myself and stepping to the door.

"Where are you going?" Tansy asks me and I ignore her, going out in the hall and banging on Vince's door with the flat of my palm.

The door opens, and I'm face to face chest with Tommy...a naked Tommy.

I avoid looking down.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I ask him, seeing a naked woman wrap her arms around his waist, peeking at me from behind him. "You're suppose to be out with Nikki and Sparkie."

"We got back early." Tommy explains to me, pupils blown out.

"Where's Sparkie and Nikki?"

He steps to the side and motions to Sparkie, who's gang-banging another woman with Vince.

I feel sick to my stomach.

"Where's Nikki?"

Tommy's hand curls into a fist as his knuckles knock at the bathroom door beside him.

"Sixx?!" He asks, and I already know what Nikki being locked in the bathroom, avoiding a good time, means: he's high as shit.

The bathroom door, revealing Nikki as he slumps against the door frame, his eyes struggling to stay open as he looks at me.

"Uhh...you good, man?" Tommy asks him, cautiously.

"Yeah, dude." Nikki slurs, taking a step forward to me.

"I got him." I tell Tommy, helping Nikki out the door. "Enjoy the rest of your night." I tell Tommy, ignoring the moans and screams of the girl Sparkie and Vince are working on.

I leave before Tommy can reply, Nikki leaning against me as I knock on our room door.

After several attempts, and Tansy still hasn't come yet, I pull the other key out of Nikki's pants pocket and unlock the door.

A bitter, horrid smell invades my nose, and I see Tansy crouching in front of a hotplate, looking at me wide-eyed, pipe in hand as she eagerly awaits the base to cook up.

That moment I found out Tansy was dabbling in crack.

She did a complete nose dive into it a couple months later, and once Vanity taught Nikki how to properly cook it up, smoke it, and get the biggest high of it, he, Vanity and Tansy would just lay around our house and smoke crack together.

I didn't mention it to Tansy the next day because I had other things on my mind...such as Sparkie having a death wish.

You can hear a pin drop in here. Even the flight attendants are holding their breath.

It seems Tommy, Nikki, and Mick have sobered up on the spot the second Sparkie says, "well, I didn't have any cash on me, and your purse was on the bus so I just made a trade. I didn't think you would need them anymore. You seem pretty happy to me, lately" once I'm digging around in my purse, asking the guys if they've seen my Nardil anywhere because it's time for me to take it.

I'm still trying to figure out if I heard him right.

Fred's getting antsy, I see him from the corner of my eye as he slowly stands from his spot, waiting for me to attack with my teeth going for the bastard's neck.

Vince just has this little smirk on his face because he knows Sparkie is about to meet his maker.

"W-what?" Tansy squeaks at her boyfriend, confused as to why her sweet, innocent, precious little Sparkler would do such a thing to her best friend.

"Where are my pills?" I ask Sparkie just to clarify.

He looks at me with raised brows.

"I told you, Vivian, I didn't have any money. I needed some blow. I remembered you keep them in your purse, which was on the bus, which was unlocked. I got your pills out and made a trade." He repeats to me like I was too stupid to understand him the first time.

"You heard him, right, Doc?" I ask.

"I--yeah?" Doc replies, uneasy at my calmness.

"Good. Because a jury will need to hear a witness and know I had justification for finally killing this motherfucker!" I lunge over the seat in front of me to grab fistfuls of Sparkie's greasy hair, Tansy screaming as she stumbles out of her seat beside him.

"Vivian!" Doc's yelling as he reaches his hand out, trying to pry me off of Sparkie.

I turn and kick him in the chest with my heel, still leaned over the seats, my arm around Sparkie's neck, hopefully crushing his throat as he fights against me, sputtering and gasping for air as Tansy's crying and pleading with me, but I don't hear a word she says.

Tommy and Nikki come to Doc's aid, the both of them grabbing at me, only causing me to kick at them and swing my free hand.

"You fucking kick me, I'm laying your ass out, Viv!" Nikki threatens me sharply.

I look at him, directly in the eye, and kick him as hard as I can in the arm.

His eyes go wild, an ugly sneer pulls at his lips to expose grinding teeth, and he grabs me by my hair, causing me to whimper out as tears prick my eyes from the pain, and forces me off the seats to the floor.

Because I've always been glutton for punishment when I'm angry, him nearly scalping me wasn't enough.

My foot collides with Nikki's crotch so hard he doubles over and falls to the floor, completely disregarding me, and giving me time to reach up beside me and grab the Jack Daniels bottle sitting in the seat Tommy just got up from.

Sparkie's trying to recover, taking long, heavy breaths, as the whiskey flies from the Jack bottle as it hits him square in the head.

Fred snatches me off the floor, manhandling me like he would do one of the guys, and throws me into the small bathroom, locking me inside for the remainder of the flight, only yanking me out and making me sit next to him and buckle up to land.

Sparkie was taken to the nearest hospital to make sure he wasn't suffering from a concussion, and I was getting the chewing out of a lifetime.

"You just can't start trying to kill people left and right, Vivian." Fred snaps as we step to the car that's taking us to the hotel. "You're gonna fuck around and get sued and no offense, Nikki, but you can't afford that." He adds and Nikki scoffs.

"None fucking taken." He mumbles back.

"He traded my antidepressant for blow!" I argue.

"I think she did a great thing." Vince tells them. "The little bitch deserved it."

"Thank you, Vince." I say to him and Nikki scoffs out bitterly, causing me to turn to look at him.

"What?" I ask him, not finding anything wrong with what I said.

"You would agree with him." He replies as we get into the limo.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I snap back at him.

He just shakes his head a little and looks straight ahead as Vince and Fred get into the seats across from us.

I almost ask where Tommy and Mick are, then I remember Tommy went with Tansy, Sparkie and Doc, to the hospital and planned to drop Mick off at the hotel on the way there.

"No need to be threatened just because  she slept in the bed with me." Vince tells him, reasonably. "You know that, right?"

Nikki's laughing it off as if he could never be threatened by Vince Neil...although it's so obvious he is.

"Well, Nikki, if it bothers you that much, maybe don't stay out all night." I suggest calmly. "I'm always gonna go find one of my friends and stay with them for the night because I don't like sleeping by myself. That doesn't mean I'm having sex with them or want to. I just get lonely."

"Well, when I get lonely, I don't crawl into bed with other people." He says it harshly and I roll my jaw.

"No, of course you don't. You just warm up to a needle and strip your veins." I argue in the same tone, seeing a brief glance of Satan in his hazel eyes before his hand, harshly, hits my thigh hard enough to leave a stinging, firey hot, dark red print that's welting up in the shape of his hand.

I didn't say a damn thing else to him until we got back to L.A. a couple days later for a a week-long break. All I could think about while avoiding my own husband, were Ross' words, "pretend you love each other" echoing in my brain.

People who really love each other don't kick, hit or talk to each other the way Nikki and I did.

Ross would always say, "alright, you love each other" or "look like you want to be together" before taking our picture.

At first it was light-hearted, but over the course of two years, it began being said with less light, and more of a command, which after after finding out what I did from his drug buddy/mistress, any commands about a picture made by Ross would be followed by me saying, "I don't wanna touch that doped up bastard-fuck" and Nikki saying, "I'm not getting anywhere near that rabid fucking bitch."

We would, of course, suck it up and take the pictures for the sake of the fans and our public image, but the second he said he was done, we were darting away from each other like we would die if we touched each other more than five minutes.

We could barely stand to be in the same room after Vanity dropped the bombshell which really wouldn't have blindsided me had I been paying more attention to all the screaming red flags the both of them were practically throwing at me. And if you've been in that situation, the signs are oh so clear in hindsight once you're taking a break between crying, to put the pieces you hadn't given a second thought before, together.

A huge one, possibly the most painful, was the giant roman numeral "V" Nikki had gotten tattooed on his arm months prior to the revealed betrayal. I hadn't thought anything of it at the time when I first saw it after he got back from getting it, other than "what significance does the number "five" have to him?" 

It was a roman numeral, but was also a "V."

For "Vanity." 

Once I came to that realization in the bathroom of the hotel we were staying at, that I had barricaded myself in, it hurt even worse than just seeing the woman I had practically given a house key to, joke about becoming "Vanity 6" once again after taking my husband's last name, while waving my wedding ring around. 

He didn't even have anything related to me tattooed on him and I was his wife. But he had no issue slapping a big-ass "V" on his arm and playing it off like a number. If "five" had a significant meaning to him at the time, it was because it was the number of times he bought heroin in a day.

All sanity left in me was tossed aside and it was fucking war from then on and I mean war.

After that, it seemed like every time Nikki and I were in a room together, everyone tensed up and prepared to either hit the floor to avoid being caught in the collateral in case Nikki or I started throwing shit at each other, or eyed their exits to escape being a witness to some fucked up things being said between me and him. 

Shortly after the Vanity incident, I figured since we were tattooing the initial of the people we told each other not to worry about on ourselves, Nikki wouldn't have minded seeing a perfectly sharp"D" on my upper hip—and Duff and I weren't even messing around yet at that time.

It was small, only about the size of a quarter, but it packed one hell of a punch when Nikki first laid eyes on it and I sarcastically, innocently, spat out, "but...it's just the roman numeral for 500."

[devilbat]

Wolf Man

A/n: here is the first of my Classic Movie monsters. Staring most of Tom Hiddleston and his characters. First one The wolf Man.

Warning: blood, fluff, violence, sexual tension, puking, stocking..

Detective Magnus Martinsson x corner! Reader

"Morning Magnus," You purred as you approached the poor man. His head full of gold curls rested against his desk. "Ruff night?" He groaned in response, As you stop by the side of his desk. Two cups of piping hot coffee in your hands. You had saw him earlier before you decided to get coffee. He was you neighbor, beside coworker. He looked like hell when he left this morning, you had just finished breakfast when you spotted him leave.

"Something like that. I haven't been sleeping well. Let alone going for drinks with some friends." He mumbled sounding miserable. Peeking up at you. With a bit of a shy smile. "Is that other cup for me by chance?" His head now propped up on his hands. Giving you a puppy dog eyes.

"Well I don't know, maybe this was a two cup problem for me." You teased, slowly reaching you hand out, offering him the white and blue paper cup from the local café on your way into work. "Seeing as you probably need this more then me. I suppose you should have it.

"Thank you. Your too sweet Miss y/l/n." Magnus grind, taking the cup carefully from your hands. His large hand brushed against yours. Making you shiver, It seem every time you had some physical contact with the young detective it would practically bring you to your knees. You heart raced each time. Your stomach would swell with butterflies. And let's not mention what he dose to you between the thighs. To say you had a bit of a crush on the handsome detective was in understatement. But you never seem to catch his eyes. Or so you thought. You were only the new girl that happens to work with the dead. As a forensic coroner most men found it rather disturbing.

So it was a slew of one night stand and short term lover that never really last. But sense you've moved to this small town in Sweden. Which you never thought would come to pass, as you were shipped out here for other reason. The few lovers you had contact with, here or in the town over, always seemed to winded up dead like a wild animal got to then. Well it was a small list. Just two so far not enough to be a coincidence, or so you though. Strange things have been happening ever since you moved. The feeling of Be stocked, someone watching you every movement. But your logical brain shrugged it off as nothing and that this wasn't New York. The town was too quiet compared. You could hear crickets not cars.

"Martinsson, Y/l/n!" Kurt called from his office. Magnus groaned once more. Making you giggle as you walk towards the office. Magnus slowly followed. Keeping his distance. He may have like the way your hips swayed when you walked. He never was one for heels but the way you walked in them with confidence. And did your legs and backside wonders. Every time you were near did something to him. Made the animal side of him go wild. You heart pounding called to him. He could smell you before you could even get close to the building like a damn blood hound. It drove him wild.

"We have another animal attack just out of the town. I need you two out there. Y/n we'll need an autopsy as soon as that body hits your table." Kurt sighed, this was the third animal attack. "I'll need to know what we are looking for."

"I'm telling you sir, it's got to be a bear. The claws are to big to be a wolf or cougar. But I still find it odd for any of these animals to be anywhere near this area." You interrupted knowing he most likely had more to say.

———-

Most of the Animal attacks were not as horrendous as this one. The man was disemboweled body parts scattered everywhere. Heart missing like the others. You walked the crime scene. Knowing what you were doing. While poor Magnus had to step away for a moment. It happens to the best. Didn't make him less of a man. Just this was a small town and things like this never happened. Unlike New York where it was everyday and you would be shocked if you didn't have a body delivery. Collecting evidence as you worked around the body. Off to the side you notice something that looked like bio. Collecting a sample, wanting to analyze to see if it was the victims.

"You all right there Magnus?" You asked, concern laced your sweet voice. He smiled with a nodded as he walked over towards you.

"What did you find?" He cleared his throat. Watching you stand back up. It amazed him how you could work in those damn heels. Let alone in a skirt on some days. Though today you were wearing a lovely shade of blue slacks and a black blouse. Your hair was tied back unlike earlier when you wore it loose.

———

It was almost midnight you were down in the morgue working overtime trying to get what you needed. Music played loudly over head. You had recognized the man. Well mostly that tattoo on his left severed arm. He was your recent fling. It had only been a month of fooling around with him. Keeping your bed warm. Signing along with the music as you dove into him. You didn't hear the door to the morgue open. You jumped with a loud squeak, when a hand rested on your shoulder. Turning on your heels scalpel in hand. You relaxed when you saw Magnus boys face.

"Christ, Magnus you scared me." You squeak out, hand over your heaving chest.

"Sorry, y/n." He smile that boyish smile that made you heart flip. "I was about to leave and wanted to see if you wanted a ride home. It's late and I would feel better with you not having to walk this late at night."

"Thanks Magnus, but I'll be fine beside I have a few more hours here. And you really need sleep." You reassured him.

"Are you sure?" You nodded with a smile.

"I'm a New Yorker I've delt with worse." You teased, but that was very well true and another reason why your here in Ystad. He was hesitant but soon he left. Leaving you to finish up.

It was half past 2am when you locked up. Pulling your coat tightly around you. You made you way home. The moon was full, the light from it made it easier to see in some of the areas. You felt and eire presence in the shadows. Maybe you should have taken Magnus on his offer. The sound of leave crunching eco through the night. Coming to a stop when you hear the unmistakable sound of a growl coming from behind you. Slowly you turned around, suppressing a scream as you stared up at a huge wolf like man. The beast towered over you, standing on his hind legs. Drool fell from his snarling mouth. His pelt was black and mangled. He reeked of blood and death. It was an unmistakable smell, you would know. But as the best breath fanned over you face with a growl. The sent of rotting meat, you wanting to vomit for the first in along time.

          What was in front of you was inhumanly, impossible. And yet here you stood face to face with the wolf man. All logic want out the window. The best snapped its jaws at you. Fear made your blood run cold. As you finally willed yourself to run. Running hard as you could, kicking your heeled shoes off your feet. Yelling for help as you did. Unfortunately the path home took you to a wooded park. Heading in there was probably a mistake, but logic told you nothing. Weaving in and out of the thick bush. You were tired and ready to give up. But you kept going the wolf sounded far behind as he howled. Findings thick tree to hide behind. If only for a moment to catch your breath.

           Quiet was all you could hear and your heart beating. You took a peek around the tree. Seeing nothing as you move, Ready to run. Until a snap of a twig from behind you made you freeze. Slowly you turned to see the best, bearing his teeth at you. You swallow hard. Knowing there was no way out of this now. Your blood curdling scream echoed through the frost, as the best charged at you snapping its Jaws. Collapsing to the floor. Another loud growl came from behind you. Making you jump peeking through your arms, another wolf like man with a tan pelt and slightly smaller frame charged at the other. Taking him down, a fight ensued, the sound of growling, jaws snapping, the sound of bone crunching, and flesh being ripped away. A loud whimper fallowed by silence.

Taking in your surroundings. Trembling in fear as the other wolf like man walk from the clearing. You backed away slowly only to feel your back pressed against the tree stump. The creature closing in on you. Closing your eyes, silently begging to be spared. The breath of the best engulfed you. Before you knew it a long very wet tongue licked along your jawline and up you cheek. Then best nuzzled into your face. From side to side, panting in your ear. You opened your eyes to look. The beast smiled a huge wolffish grin. It had sat down in front of you. It's large tail wagging? Claws lightly pawing at your arms. Even with it sitting down the wolf was taller then you.

         The clouds slowly rolled in, coving the moon and the wolf started to bay at it. You stair at him unsure what to do. It wasn't attacking you. You jump when you heard bones pop and crack. The wolf stepping back as it's body started deforming, twisted, turning. Fur started to fall away leaving only blonde curls. Long claws started to shrink into fingers. The height of the wolf slowly shrunk. There standing before you completely naked was Magnus Martinsson. His face still somewhat hidden from you.

           "M-Magnus?" Your stuttered out. Still a in a bit of shock as you watching him finally face you. Trying your best not to look down as you stepped forward. "Magnus is that really you?"  Reaching out to him.

        "Don't y/n." Slowly backing away. "I'm a monster." He was visibly shaking, before you could get any farther he heaved, throwing up contents of what he had ripped to shreds. Not listening to him you rushed to his side. Pulling your coat off, Placing it over him.

          "Well if you were a monster, I would be dead right now." You calmly spoke. Even if your were shaking uncontrollably and still frightened. Magnus gave you a small smile. This was Magnus the sweetest man you have ever known he couldn't hurt a fly. Well maybe he can. But he did feel really bad about killing the other wolf you could tell. "Well this explains why you haven't been sleeping well. Let's um get you home and you can tell me how this happened? Oh and some clothes, I'm not sure I can talk with a very naked detective right now."  Really you didn't know what to do. All you knew was you needed to get him out of here. Before someone saw him.

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