#and yet i let it all get wasted on him ordering $15 taco bell orders

[shaddy-bee]

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[thewalkingdeadfanfictions]

Finding Their Missing Piece Chapter 1 - Lovely Guts

Major Time Skip Around Two Months

****Glenn’s POV****

           Me, Troy, Morales, Jacqui, T-Dog, and Andrea were getting ready to leave for a run into town when Merle shouts “Hey, room for one more?!” as he walks over to us, his rifle already on his shoulder. “No.” Troy states not even looking up from loading her clips since she already didn’t like the fact that we had to go in a group this time. “Oh come on Girly. What’s one more?” He asks her so before she can start a fight I say “Fine, but you all have to listen to me and Troy.” This earns a few hushed complaints from the others, a groan from Troy, and him saying “I might listen to Girly, not ya.” For some reason Troy was the only person in camp that Merle would listen to, without complaining, and the only woman he didn’t hit on. It was a strange type of relationship between her and the older Dixon, which I didn’t know how it started. Looking past him I see Daryl watching the scene a few feet from the woods, a glare directed at Troy. Unlike Merle, Daryl and Troy didn’t get along at all, there wasn’t a day that went by that the two didn’t get in a fight with each other, about anything. It was like they hated the others existence yet always ended up being stuck together in tasks around camp.

****Time Skip****

           We led the group to the department store before Troy and I left to scout out other places. “Glenn.” Troy says suddenly causing me to stop and look at her. She’s pointing at something down at the street so I go over and watch a cop on a horse run from a horde of walkers into another group near the tank. The horse goes down but the guy scrambles under the tank shooting walkers with his gun as he goes. When his head pops up through the top of the tank walkers start climbing it to get to him so he quickly shuts it. I pull out the radio and ask him “Hey you, dumbass. Yeah you in the tank, are you cozy in there?” A minute or so goes by so Troy grabs the radio and asks “You alive in there?” “Hello? Hello?” comes from the radio then so I take it back and say “There you are. You had us wondering.” “Where are you? Outside? Can you see me right now?” the cop asks so I answer “Yeah, we can see you. You’re surrounded by walkers. That’s the bad news.” “There’s good news?” he asks earning a sigh from Troy as I say “No.” “Listen, whoever you are, I don’t mind telling you. I’m a little concerned in here.” He says causing me to say “Oh man. You should see it from over here. You’d be having a major freak-out.” “Got any advice for me?” He asks so I say “Yeah, I’d say make a fun for it.” “That’s it? Make a run for it?” He asks so Troy takes the radio from me and says “Look, it’s not as dumb as it sounds. You’ve got eyes on the outside here. There’s one geek still up on the tank but the others have climbed down and joined in on eating the horse. With me so far?” “So far.” He replies so she continues “Okay, the street on the right side is less crowded. If you move now while they’re distracted, you stand a chance. Got ammo?” “In that duffel bag I dropped out there, and guns. Can I get to it?” He asks so I grab the radio from her and say “Forget the bag, okay? It’s not an option. What do you have on you?” “Hang on…I’ve got a Beretta with one clip, 15 rounds.” He says so I say “Make ‘em count. Jump off the right side of the tank, keep going in that direction. There’s an alley up the street, maybe 50 yards. Be there.” “Hey, what’s your names?” He asks so Troy grabs the radio and says “Have you been listening? You’re running out of time.” As we head to the fire escape to get him. “Right.”

****Troy’s POV****

           A few minutes and shots later the cop is pointing his gun at Glenn so he yells “Whoah! Not Dead! Come on! Come on! Back here! Come on! Come on!” as we lead him back to the fire escape. “What are you doing?! Come on!” Glenn yells at him when he stops when his gun clicks. I push him forward so we both scramble up the ladder. Glenn helps us onto the platform and we’re all panting. “Nice moves there, Clint Eastwood. You the new sheriff come riding in to clean up the town?” Glenn asks as I look down at the growing number of walkers reaching for us. “It wasn’t my intention.” He says so Glenn says “Yeah, Whatever. Yeehaw. You’re still a dumbass.” “Rick, thanks.” The cop says holding his hand out for him to shake so Glenn takes it and says “Glenn, thank Troy she’s the one that noticed.” “Time to go.” I say then noticing the walkers start to grab the ladder before turning and start heading up the ladder to the roof as Glenn says “Bright side: It’ll be the fall that kills us. I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy.”

           As Glenn and Rick got closer I help them up. We start walking on the other roof as Rick asks “You the ones who barricaded the ally?” still out of breath. “Somebody did.” I say so Glenn adds “I guess when the city got overrun. Whoever did it was thinking not many geeks would get through.” As we jog to the way inside the building. I open it as Rick asks “Back at the tank, why’d you stick your necks out for me?” “Call it foolish, naïve hope that if Troy or I’m ever that far up shit creek, somebody might do the same for us. Guess we’re an even bigger dumbass than you.” Glenn tells him as I slide down the ladder. I wait at the bottom for them and take up the rear as Glenn leads us back to the department store. Running down the stairs Glenn pulls out the radio and says “We’re back. Got a guest plus four geeks in the alley.” We make it down the stairs and the walkers notice us. I pull out my knife and push past Glenn going for the one closest to us as a door opens up and Morales and T-Dog come out with baseball bats and hit the two closest to the door. Rick and Glenn start running to the door as I take down the last standing zombie in the alley. The guys are beating the other two walkers’ faces in as I follow Rick and Glenn as he says “Let’s go!” We get to the door and T-Dog yells “Morales, let’s go!” before they run into the room with one closing the door behind them.

All of a sudden Andrea points a gun in Rick’s face, with the safety on, and says “You son of a bitch. We ought to kill you.” “Just chill out Andrea. Back off.” Morales says so Jacqui adds “Come on, ease up.” “Ease up? You’re kidding me, right? We’re dead because of this stupid asshole.” Andrea says so Morales walks up to her and says “Andrea, I said back the hell off.” Glenn is standing next to me watching her, not wanting her wrath directed towards him. I know that her safety is on so I’m not that worried. Morales then says after the long pause “Well, pull the trigger.” She sighs and backs off of Rick and tells Rick “We’re dead, all of us, because of you.” Rick looks at me and Glenn before he says “I don’t understand.” Morales then takes Rick to the front of the store with all of us in tow, and says “Look, we came into the city to scavenge supplies. You know what the key to scavenging is? Surviving! You know the key to surviving? Sneaking in and out, tiptoeing. Not shooting up the streets like it’s the O.K. Corral.” “Every geek for miles around heard you popping off rounds.” T-Dog adds so Andrea point out “You just rang the dinner bell.” “Get the picture now?” Morales asks. They were all looking at the walkers knocking on the front of the store when a walker with a rock started to bang on the window and it started to crack. “Oh god.” Andrea says and they all back up. I stay where I was calculating how long it would take for the walkers to break both windows. “What the hell were you doing out there anyway?” Andrea asks Rick at this I look at him wanting to know as well. “Trying to flag the helicopter.” He says. I sigh and slowly make my way over to the first set of doors as T-Dog says “Helicopter? Man, that’s crap! Ain’t no damn helicopter.” “You were chasing a hallucination, imagining things it happens.” Jacqui says so Rick replies “I saw it.”  Before Glenn asks “Troy what do you think you’re doing?!” finally noticing me as I am now knocking on the first set of doors checking how strong they may be. They all sigh as I make my way back over to them stating “Just checking.” So Morales says “Hey, T-Dog, try that C.B. can you contact the others?” “What others? The refugee center?” Rick asks causing Jacqui to say sarcastically “Yeah, the refugee center. They’ve got biscuits waiting at the oven for us.” “Got no signal. Maybe the roof.” T-Dog say as there was a gunshot that came from the roof. “Oh no. Is that Dixon?” Andrea asks causing me to quickly run to the roof ignoring what the others are saying.

****Merle’s POV****

I was laughing and shooting walkers in the head when I hear Troy from behind me yell “Merle!” Turning I grin at her but it fades when the others burst through the door with Morales yelling “Hey, Dixon, are you crazy?!” “Hey! Y’all be more polite to a man with a gun! Huh?” I say jumping down from the ledge and adding “Only common sense.” “Man, you wasting bullets we ain’t even got! And you’re bringing even more of them down on our ass! Man, just chill.” T-Dog says then so I say “Bad enough I got this taco-bender on my ass all day. Now I’m gonna take orders from you? I don’t think so, bro. That’ll be the day.” walking towards T-Dog so he asks. “That’ll be the day? You got something you want to tell me?” “Hey, T-Dog man, just leave it. It ain’t worth it alright.” Morales says causing T-Dog to say “No.” “Now Merle, just relax, okay? We’ve got enough trouble.” Morales adds as Troy is obviously annoyed now so I ask T-Dog “You want to know the day?” “Yeah.” He answers so I say “I’ll tell you the day, Mr. “yo.” It’s the day I take orders from a nigger.” At this T-Dog takes a swing at me but I hit him with the rifle. “Hey, Merle that’s enough.” The cop says running up as Andrea yells “Come on.” I punch the cop causing Troy to run up and pull me away saying “Okay. I think they get it. Calm the fuck down.” I was going to calm down but she gets punched by T-Dog with enough force to knock her over. “Fucking hell!” She yells the bruise already forming on her face as Glenn runs to her side causing me to be enraged so I push T-Dog harshly causing him to fall and hit his head on one of the pipes. “Merle! I’m fine!” I hear Troy yell but I was pissed, no one is allowed to hurt her like that and get away with it. Kicking T-Dog once before I say “We’re gonna have ourselves a little powwow, huh? Talk about who’s in charge. I vote me. Anybody else? Huh? Democracy time, y’all. Show of hands, huh? All in favor? Huh?” as they pull him away. Troy is no longer paying attention to what’s happening as she’s looking up at the sky a frown growing on her face so I continue “Come on. Let’s see ‘em.” “Oh, come on.” Andrea says but I start seeing hands so I say “All in favor? Yeah. That’s good. Now that means I’m the boss, right? Yeah. Anybody else? Hmm? Anybody?” “Yeah.” The cop says before hitting me with the butt of the rifle and handcuffing me to one of the pipes. “Who the hell are you, man?!” I ask/yell causing him to get in my face and say “Officer Friendly.” Backing up he adds “Look here, Merle. Things are different now. There are no niggers anymore. No dumb-as-shit, inbred white-trash fools either. Only dark meat and white meat. There’s us and the dead. We survive this by pulling together, not apart.” “Rick.” Troy tries to defuse the situation but I tell, the cop or Rick, “Screw you, man.” “No Troy. Your friend seems to make a habit of missing the point.” He tells her clearly using his cop voice so I say “Yeah? Well, screw you twice.” As she says “He’s not my friend.” He’s obviously pissed that I’m not cooperating and points my gun at my head saying “Ought to be polite to a man with a gun. Only common sense.” “You wouldn’t. You’re a cop.” I tell him causing him to lower the gun and say “All I am anymore is a man looking for his wife and son. Anybody that gets in the way of that is gonna lose. I’ll give you a moment to think about that.” He then starts to pat me down and then finding my stash he adds “Got some on your nose there.” And flicks me in the nose before getting up. “What are you gonna do? Arrest Me?” I laugh watching him walk away to a now confused Troy. “Hey! What are you doing? Man that was my stuff! Hey! If I get loose, you’d better pray-Yeah, you hear me, you pig?! You hear me?!” I yell when he throws it off the building. “Yeah, your voice carries.” He says walking to the opposite end of the roof with Morales following him. “Do you hear me, you filthy pig?!” I yell at him again before shutting up when Troy gives me a glare.

“How’s the signal?” Morales asks when him and Rick walk back over causing T-Dog to say “Like Dixon’s brain. Weak.” “More like non-existent.” Troy corrects causing Glenn to say “I think you pissed her off Merle.” “No shit.” I state as Morales says “Keep trying.” “Why? There’s nothing they can do. Not a damn thing.” Andrea says walking over to her bag so Morales explains “Got some people outside the city is all. There’s no refugee center. That’s a pipe dream.” “She’s right. We’re on our own. It’s up to us to find a way out.” Rick says then so I look at Andrea and say “Good luck with that. These streets ain’t safe in this part of town from what I hear. Ain’t that right, sugar tits? Hey, honeybunch. What say you get me out of these cuffs, we go off somewhere and bump some uglies? Gonna die anyway.” Who says “I’d rather.” “Knock it off…I have a plan but yer not going to like it so if we can come up with something else I suggest we try that first. I estimate we have five hours before they break through the doors down there but maybe only two for my plan to work.” Troy says so Rick asks “What about under the streets? The sewers?” “Good idea.” Troy states running over to look over the edge of the building into the alley with Glenn. “Bloody hell.” Troy mutters as Glenn says “No manhole covers. They must be all out on the street where the geeks are.” As they come back over. “Maybe not. Old building like this built in the ‘20s-big structures often had drainage tunnels into the sewers in case of flooding down in the subbasements.” Jacqui says causing Glenn to ask “How do you know that?” “It’s my job-was. I worked in the city zoning office.” She replies so Troy asks Glenn “Could that hole be it?” “Maybe.” He replies so all of them but T-Dog leave to check it out.

“Anybody out there? Hello? Anybody read? I’m hoping to hear somebody’s voice ‘cause I’m getting sick and tired of hearing mine.” T-Dog says into the radio so I say “Yeah, well, that makes two of us. Why don’t you knock that crap off? You’re giving me a headache, boy.” and spit on the ground next to me. “Why don’t you pull your head out of your ass? Maybe your headache will go away. Try some positivity for a change. Damn.” T-Dog says so I say “I’ll tell you what, you get me out of these cuffs and I’ll be all “Sammy Sunshine” positive for you. Hey, see that hacksaw over there in that tool bag? Get it for me, Hmm? Make it worth your while. What do you say, Man? Come on. Get me out of these things.” “So you can beat my ass again? Or call me nigger some more?” T-Dog says so I say “Come on now. It wasn’t personal. It’s just that your kind and my kind ain’t meant to mix. That’s all. It don’t mean we can’t, work together, parley, as long as there’s some kind of mutual gain involved. So….about that hacksaw-“ “I guess you want me to get that rifle over there too, so you can shoot that cop when he comes back up, huh?” T-Dog asks causing me to repeat “Huh.” before the group comes back to the roof and look over it with binoculars.

****Troy’s POV****

“That construction site, those trucks-they always keep keys on hand.” Rick says handing the binoculars to Morales who says “You guys will never make it past the walkers.” “You got me out of that tank.” Rick says to Glenn and I causing him to say “Yeah, but they were feeding. They were distracted.” “Can we distract them again?” Rick asks me more than Glenn. “I’ve told you you’re not going to like it.” I say causing Merle to say “Right. Listen to her. She’s onto something. A diversion, like on Hogan’s Heroes.” “God. Give it a rest.” Jacqui tells him but Rick asks “They’re drawn by sound, right?” “Right, like dogs. They hear a sound, they come.” Glenn says so Rick asks “What else?” “Aside from they hear you? They see you, smell you and if they catch you, they eat you.” Morales says and Rick being a special kind of stupid he is asks “They can tell us by smell?” “Good god you’re an idiot.” I say while Glenn asks “Can’t you?” “They smell dead, we don’t. It’s pretty distinct.” Andrea explains causing Rick to look at me and ask “Is your plan what I think it is?” “Probably.”

*****Time skip to chopping up walkers Wayne Dunlap and John Smith*****

           Rick breaks the glass to get the fire ax, goes to chop one of the walkers but he stops, takes off the face guard, throws it and the ax on the ground, and searches for something on the walkers. He pulls out each of their wallets and starts going through it saying “Wayne Dunlap. Georgia license. Born in 1979. John Smith. Georgia license. Born in 1988.” As he hands the licenses to Glenn he adds “Wayne had 28 dollars in his pocket when he died…and a picture of a pretty girl. “With love, from Rachel.” John had an engagement ring in his pocket when he died and picture of little girl. “Mary, age 3.” They used to be like us worrying about bills, or rent, or the super bowl. If I ever find my family, I’m gonna tell them about Wayne and John.” Rick puts the face guard back on and gets the ax as Glenn says “One more thing-They were organ donors.” Before Rick starts to chop them up with the ax. As he was doing it everyone, but him and I, was groaning in disgust. He hands the ax and face guard to Morales and tells him to “keep chopping.” “I’m so gonna hurl.” Glenn says leaning over. I pat his back as Rick says “Later.” When Morales was done Rick says “Everyone got gloves? Don’t get any on your skin or in your eyes.” Before everyone gets some goop and smears it on Rick, Glenn, and I. “Oh, God. Oh, Jeez. This is really bad.” Glenn says so Rick tells him “Think about something else…puppies and kittens.” “Dead puppies and kittens.” T-Dog says. At this Glenn turns and vomits as I mutter a sarcastic “Nice.” and Andrea says “That is just evil. What is wrong with you?” Then Jacqui says “Next time let the cracker beat his ass.” “I’m sorry, yo.” T-Dog apologizes causing Glenn to say “You suck.” “Do we smell like them?” Rick asks then so Andrea replies “Oh yeah.” Before pulling out her gun and holding it out to Glenn saying “Glenn. Just in case.” He stands so she places in the front of his pants as Rick says “If we make it back, be ready.” ‘Rick stop jinxing us!’ I yell at him in my head as T-Dog asks “What about Merle Dixon?”  Rick then pulls out the key to the handcuffs and throws it to T-Dog without a word.

****Time skip till in the street before the rain*****

           Rick has the ax and his gun, Glenn has Andrea’s gun and a crowbar, and I have my knife, my twin pistols, and my bow, I had gotten on one of Glenn and I’s runs, as we make our way to the street from the alley. We fake limp to distract the few walkers that were now in the alley so we’re slow as we make it to the bus that blocks the crowd of walkers from the alley. We crawl under it and slowly make our way down the street. I hear thunder again so I pick up my pace a bit but I’m still going slow enough that the walkers are still fooled. Then Glenn whispers “It’s gonna work. I can’t believe it.” “Don’t draw attention.” Rick whispers back just as a walker starts to walk between them looking at Glenn.  “How come I get stuck with the ones that jinx themselves?” I mutter to myself as it leaves them but it starts to rain, my prediction of having less than an hour being correct, and the walkers start to notice us. I look at Rick as Glenn asks “The smell’s washing off. Isn’t it? Is it washing off?” “No, it’s not. Well, maybe.” Rick says after a walker takes a long look at him and the ones we are passing start to follow us. Then one of them roars and goes for Rick, he chops its head with the ax and yells “Run!” He didn’t have to tell me twice as I started sprinting to the fence with Glenn and Rick a few feet behind me as I was faster than them. “Hurry up boys!” I call as I took out a few walkers as I went and Glenn and Rick did the same. I was dropping down on the other side of the fence when they got there and threw their weapons over and stated to jump up the fence. They dropped down as I was taking off the coat with the guts. They did the same as I stabbed some of the walkers in their eyes. Glenn went to get the keys as Rick shot some of the walkers that managed to climb the fence a few feet back. “Rick!” Glenn yells throwing him the keys he caught them and we ran to one of the vans. Rick starts the engine and we take off we have to smash through the fence on the other side of the site. “Oh my god. Oh my god. They’re all over that place.” Glenn yells in a panic. “You need to draw them away. Those roll-up doors at the front of the store, that area? That’s what I need cleared. Raise your friends. Tell them to get down there and be ready.” Rick says so Glenn says. “And we’re drawing the geeks away how? I-I missed that part.” “Noise.” Rick answers.

           A few minutes later we find a sports car that is in good shape and Rick stops the car and asks us “Can you get into it and start it?” I nod, take the crowbar from him and break the window so the car alarm goes off. “I could have done that.” Rick says so I say “Yeah. But I wanted to.” as I knock out the remaining glass and open the door. Using a screw driver I found in the back of the van I start the engine and get out for Glenn to get in. “Don’t be stupid.” I tell him so he says “You too.” I nod before going over and climbing in the back of the van as Rick gets into the driver’s seat. We go out of the lot with Glenn following.

           “Where’s Merle?!” I ask/yell seeing T-Dog without him. “I dropped the key down the drain.” He says causing me to jump out of the van and yell “Go! I’ll get him out!” before taking off to get to him with them yelling that he wasn’t worth it. “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” I mutter quickly my path to the roof blocked by a group of walkers. ‘Alley!’ I think turning and sprinting out of the building and into the alley, up the steps, up the ladder and to the roof. “Merle?!” I call earning a “Troy?! Should’ve left me!” “Like hell!” I call back before walking back so I can get enough momentum to get across the gap. “Troy! Don’t ya dare do what I think ya goin’ ta do!” Merle yells so I call “How else am I supposed to get over there?!” before I sprint. As soon as my foot touched the edge I jumped and rolled when I landed. “Do ya got a death wish?!” He practically screams at me as I walk over next to him.

****Merle’s POV****

           “I made it didn’t I?” Troy says kneeling down beside me and starts digging through her bag so I tell her “Should a just left me.” “Na, don’t think so.” She tells me so I say “And ya didn’t wanna screw me.” Referring to when we met. “Yer cuffed to a pipe and yer making jokes?” She asks, obviously not amused by it, so I ask “Seriously, why’d ya come back fer me?” “It’s not that I care or anything. It’s my fault yer cuffed here.” She says before walkers crash against the door seemingly stopped by something causing us both to say “Fuck.” “No, I started it. Sorry.” I tell her then gently touching the bruise causing her to sigh before changing the subject back to our original dilemma by saying “I don’t have anything to pick the lock.” “Let’s get it over with then.” I tell her moving into a position that she could get a clean cut so she asks “You sure? Won’t Daryl come back for ya?” “He might.” I tell her causing her to sigh out “Don’t blame me then. Wrap yer belt around yer elbow.” “Ya know what yer doing?” I ask causing her to say “Yeah…This isn’t the first time I’ve done somethin’ like this.” “Alright then.” I say wrapping my belt around my elbow so she says “This is probably going to hurt. Don’t scream.” While shoving a rag in my mouth. I’m about to retort as she pulls out her knife but she says “Guess what.” I mumble a “What?” so she looks me in the eyes and says “It’s the same hand I cut when we met.” Before starting the task.

****Time Skip****

           “Come on, we got to cauterize it.” Troy says pulling me to my feet after wrapping the rag around the stump and I grab the wrench from the fallen tool bag. “Ya got some balls, Girlie.” I groan out as she leads me over to the other door on the roof. “Yeah. They’re on my chest.” She says causing me to chuckle at her before she says “I’ll need you to walk on your own. We don’t know if they’ll be any in here.” “Well I got actual balls.” I tell her as I stop leaning against her so she says “Not much of an accomplishment.” As she leads us down the stairs. “Right in the ego.” I chuckle out earning a “Right. Now shut up.”

           On the way she takes down two walkers and I take down one with the wrench. “This’ll probably hurt more.” She announces as we walk into a small kitchen area. “Ya enjoying this ain’t ya?” I ask her as she starts the fire causing her to say “No. I’m stating facts, Dixie.” With that she turns to her task of heating a tool made of metal. “Dixie?” I ask so she looks over her shoulder at me and says “Since yer last name is Dixon.” “What about Daryl, then?” I ask earning a “Don’t care.” Before she shoves another rag in my mouth adding “Look, I really don’t want ya to scream.” ‘This is only half-way necessary isn’t it?’ I think growling at her before she places the burning metal against my skin. “Sorry.” She apologizes when she was done before taking a bayonet out of her bag and handing it to me with an “I got your back, you got mine.” “Sure thing Girly.” I tell her so she goes over to one of the windows. Seeing it’s locked she wraps the rag around her hand before braking it and climbing through with a “Come on.” Seeing that the ally was surprisingly not full of walkers I go to say something but before I can even get a word out she says “Don’t ya dare.” I chuckle out a “Ya don’t like jinxes?” earning a “Damn straight.”

****Troy's POV****

“Move your ass!” I yell turning around quickly and grabbing Merle as I take off in the opposite direction of the horde of walkers just chilling in the street. We run until we’re cut off by another horde earning an “Oh shit.” From both of us as we spin back around and run into an alley. “Go! I’ll lead them away!” I yell basically pushing him up the fire escape in the alley earning a “No way! I ain’t leavin’ ya!” “Yeah ya are! I know this city and where I can go to escape! You can’t fit there! So go!” I yell pulling my bow off my back and start expertly disposing of the walkers that start stumbling into the alley. When he reluctantly climbs up the ladder I yell “Meet me back at the department store! If I’m not there by morning leave without me!” “Ya better be there!” He yells at me so I call “The only one who can beat me is me!” before taking off down the alley and quickly turning down the other alley.

****Time Skip****

           “Shit.” I breathe out slamming the door to the apartment behind me and hearing the few walkers scratch and bang against it. I wasn’t expecting to run into another idiot survivor not even bothering to be quite. “Hey!” I shout at the guy as he opens the window and starts to climb out of it so he grins before coming back in and slowly stalk towards me. ‘Oh hell no.” I think noticing the guy’s now lust filled gaze as he looks me up and down and the involuntary sense of fear bubbles up in my chest. “Yer a little bitch aren’t ya? Makes me want ta see ya scream and writhe under me.” He growls so I glare and warn “I will kill you.” He chuckles but I see the flash of fear in his eyes as his eyes glance at my hand that holds my walker-blood stained knife. Then the fight starts as he pulls out a knife himself and runs at me. Unfortunately he was a lot stronger than me and I didn’t have the space I needed to quickly take him out so I had to resort to getting the knife away from him and a knee to his crotch. This just pisses him off causing him to grab me by the neck and slam me back into the door. The back of my head hits it painfully causing pain to explode from the spot and black starts to instantly swim on my vision. That’s when he starts choking me, leans in, and says “I was going to make it enjoyable for you but now I’m going to rip you apart.” “Go to hell.” I choke out head-butting him causing him to stumble back stunned so I quickly tackle him, grab his own knife, and plunge it into his head. My lungs and throat burn as I gasp for breath and I roll off of him before the darkness overtakes me.

****Glenn’s POV****

"Whoohoo!" I screamed as I passed the cube van that held the others. ‘I hope T-Dog unlocked Merle. I need to thank him for getting upset that Troy got hurt.’ I think as I pull up next to the other cars at camp as the others run to the car. I park and get out as Shane yells "Holy Crap. Turn that damn thing off!" "I don’t know how." I say laughing before Amy bombards me with questions "Is she okay? Is she alright?” “She’s okay! She’s okay!” I tell her so she asks, more distraught “Is she coming back? Why isn’t she with you? Where is she? She’s Okay?" "Yes! Yeah, fine. Everybody is. Well, Merle not so much." I answer as someone disconnects the battery. “Are you crazy, driving this wailing bastard up here? Are you trying to draw every walker for miles?” Shane asks so Dale says “I think we’re okay.” “You call being stupid okay?” Shane asks so Dale explains “Well, the alarm was echoing all over these hills. Hard to pinpoint the source. I’m not arguing. I’m just saying. It wouldn’t hurt you to think a little more carefully next time, would it?” “Sorry. Got a cool car.” I say causing Dale to nod reluctantly. It’s then that the cube van pulls up.

Andrea jumps out and runs to Amy, and Morales goes to his wife and kids saying "I told you I'd be back, didn’t I?" I feel dread creep up as I don’t see Troy, Merle, or Rick come out of the van and I’m about to ask but Morales yells "Hey, Helicopter boy! Come say hello." Rick then come a few feet before he stops and look at Lori and Carl with a look of disbelief. That’s when Carl starts running yelling “Dad!” Rick meets him half way as Lori looks shocked for a few moment before she goes over and hugs both of them. “Where’s Troy and Merle?” I ask then and my heart drops when T-Dog says “I dropped the key down a drain…She went back for him. I’m sorry Glenn.” “She’s okay. She’ll be here in the morning…I know she will.”

****Time Skip****

We listen to Rick describe what happened as we eat when suddenly Dale asks Rick “Have you given any thought to Daryl Dixon? He won’t be happy to hear his brother was left behind.” “I’ll tell him. I dropped the key. It’s on me.” T-Dog says so Rick says “I cuffed him. That makes it mine.” “Guys, it’s not a competition. I don’t mean to bring race into this but it might sound better coming from a white guy.” I say so T-Dog says “I did what I did. Hell if I’m gonna hide from him.” “We could lie.” Amy suggests causing Andrea to say “Or tell the truth. Merle was out of control. Something had to be done or he’d have gotten us killed. Your husband did what was necessary. And if Merle got left behind, it is nobody’s fault but Merle’s. Besides, Troy went back for him.” “And that’s what we tell Daryl? I don’t see a rational discussion to be had from that, do you?” Dale asks Andrea before looking around at the others and adds “Word to the wise…..We’re gonna have our hands full when he gets back from his hunt.” “I was scared and I ran. I’m not ashamed of it.” T-Dog says causing Andrea to ask “We were all scared. We all ran. What’s your point?” “I stopped long enough to chain that door. Staircase is narrow. Maybe half a dozen geeks can squeeze against it at any one time. It’s not enough to break through that-not that chain, not that padlock. My point, Dixon’s alive and he’s still up there, handcuffed on that roof. That’s on us.” T-Dog says causing me to yell “And you let her go back for him?!” “We tried stopping her.” Andrea says but I shake my head feeling the tears start to sting my eyes so Dale tries to comfort me by saying “I’m sure she’s okay. She knows how to handle herself.”

****Time Skip****

           “Look at ‘em. Vultures. Yeah, go on, strip it clean.” I say watching Dale and Jim take apart the sports car, trying to keep my mind off the fact that Troy wasn’t back yet. “Generators need every drop of fuel they can get. Got no power without it. Sorry, Glenn.” Dale tells me so I say “Thought I’d get to drive it at least a few more days.” “Maybe we’ll get to steal another one someday.” Rick tells me before walking away leaving me too my thoughts.

***3rd Person’s POV****

           Merle was growing erratic now. Troy hadn’t shown up yet and it was already morning. Merle didn’t want to have to accept the fact that she was probably dead and because of him. He’d grown attached to her…and he knew given time Daryl would’ve too. She was different than any woman he’d met, she made him believe that they were better for more than one thing. He waited for an hour before he hung his head and left to kill every one of the bastards back at his camp except Daryl and maybe Glenn. It would be the least he could do for her. Then he’d come back into the city to find her and take care of her, whether it be re-killing her or just burying her body.

****Daryl’s POV****

While tracking the deer I heard the kids’ screams from camp and picked up my pace, I didn’t care about the others really but the kids were a different matter. I reach a clearing with everyone pointing their weapon in my direction. I was sort of surprised that I didn’t’ see Troy but I just assumed that she was with the kids then not that I cared where she was. I then see my deer and a decapitated Walker. “Son of a bitch. That’s my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this…” I yell walking over to the walker and start kicking it adding “Filthy, disease-bearing, motherless proxy bastard!” “Calm down, son. That’s not helping.” Dale tells me so I approach him saying “What do you know about it, old man? Why don’t you take that stupid hat and go back to On Golden Pond?” turning away I start to pull out my arrows adding “I’ve been tracking this deer for miles. Gonna drag it back to camp, cook us up some venison. What do you think? Do you think we can cut around this chewed up part right here?” “I would not risk that.” Shane says so I sigh and tell them “That’s a damn shame. I got some squirrel, about a dozen or so. That’ll have to do.” But then I hear the walker opens its mouth so I shoot it in the head as I say "Come on, people. What the hell? It’s gotta be the brain. Don’t y’all know nothing?” I get my arrow back before walking off towards camp yelling “Merle! Merle! Get your ugly ass out here! I got us some squirrel! Let’s stew ‘em up.” “Daryl, just slow up a bit I need to talk to you.” Shane says so I stop and ask “About what?” “About Merle. There was a-There was a problem in Atlanta.” He tells me walking in front of me so I look between him and a new guy twice before asking “He dead?” “We’re not sure.” Shane answers so being angry now I yell “He either is or he ain’t” New guy then walks up to us and says “No easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it.” “Who are you?" I ask/yell at him whipping around causing him to pause before saying "Rick Grimes." "Rick Grimes, you got something you want to tell me?” I ask him causing him to tell me “Your brother was a danger to us all, so I handcuffed him on a roof, hooked him to a piece of metal. Troy went back for him. They’re still there.” “Hold on. Let me process this. You’re saying you handcuffed my brother to a roof and you left him there?!” I ask/yell getting angrier until I see red as I look at an equally upset Glenn and Rick just answers “Yeah.” So I throw the squirrels at him and go to punch him but Shane pushes me down. I pull out my knife and T-Dog yells “Watch the Knife!” I stand up and try to stab Rick but he dodges. I was then restrained by Shane and put in a headlock. “Best let me go!” I warn Shane who just says “Nah, I think it’s better if I don’t.” “Choke hold’s illegal.” I grunt then so he says “You can file a complaint. Come on man. We’ll keep this up all day.” Rick then came over and kneeled in front of me saying “I’d like to have a calm discussion on this topic. You think we can manage that?” I don’t respond so he repeats “You think we can manage that?” With a nod Shane releases me so Rick says “What I did was not on a whim. You’re brother does not work and play well with others.” “It’s not Rick’s fault. I had the key. I dropped it.” T-Dog jumps in then walking forward. “You couldn’t pick it up?” I asked angry. “Well, I dropped it down a drain.” He says so I say “If that’s supposed to make me feel better it don’t.” “Well, maybe this will. Look I chained the door to the roof so the geeks couldn’t get at him. With a padlock.” T-Dog says so Rick says “It’s gotta count for something.” “Hell with all ya’ll! Just tell me where they are so’s I can go get ‘im.” I say, no matter how much I hate the girl she still went back for Merle so I had to do the same for them, before Lori says “He’ll show you.” We all look at her so she asks “Isn’t that right?” Rick nods and says “I’m going back.”

****Time Skip****

“They better be okay. It’s my only word on the matter.” I tell T-Dog as we ride in the back of the van. “I told you the geeks can’t get at him. The only thing that could get through that door is a living person.” He says causing Glenn to pipe up “You better be right.” Before stopping the van and adding “We walk from here.” We all get out and start to jog towards the city. When we go through an opening in a fence Rick asks “Merle and Troy first, or guns?” “Merle and Troy! We ain’t even having this conversation!” I growl out causing Rick to look at Glenn and say “We are. You know the geography. It’s your call.” “Merle and Troy’s closest. The guns would mean doubling back.” Glenn answers and I wondered if it was the truth or not as we start jogging again.

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 188 - 194

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED EIGHTY-EIGHT

8:40 AM - I get why people do these masks! My face feels amazing today. I rub on some new deodorant and leave for work. My tank is empty, so I stop for gas on the way. $25.59

9:05 AM - I arrive at work, toast a piece of bread, pour myself a toddy, and do my vitamin B-12 spray. I look at my finance pacing for the month and I’m a little over, but should be able to make it up pretty quick.

11:30 AM - I heat up the remaining portion of last week’s corn chowder. I’m super sick of it at this point and am definitely looking forward to changing it up for the rest of the week. I pair it with more leftover sweet potatoes.

2:00 PM - Boyfriend calls. We have free tickets to the Suns vs. Jazz preseason game tonight! We’re snobs about our seats and they’re in the 200 level so I told him I’d cover our upgrade. I can’t wait!

2:30 PM - Hunger strikes. I eat some pumpkin snaps. Best $2 investment ever.

5:00 PM - I leave work and head home. I let the dog out and change while toasting two slices of bread with some vegan cheese. I sandwich them together to make a shitty grilled cheese, crate the dog again, and head downtown.

6:15 PM - I park and walk to my boyfriend’s office and we walk over to Talking Stick Resort Arena. As we walk, I upgrade our tickets to the 10th row in the lower level. $80

7:00 PM - Our seats are so close! When security isn’t looking we move a couple rows closer to row 5. This the closest I’ve ever sat.

9:15 PM - We’re both pretty sleepy and head out with 4 minutes left in the 4th quarter. Everyone is playing their 3rd string players and we’re losing by 25 (typical). My only consolation is that Ricky Rubio is on my fantasy team and he killed it tonight for the Jazz. Hopefully he plays like this when the points count.

10:00 PM - We arrive home. Boyfriend makes some pasta because he hasn’t eaten yet. I’m not hungry, but my period says, “eat a snack,” so I open the package of vegetable gyoza that I bought a few weeks ago from Trader Joe’s. Props to the employee who recommended them because they are delicious!

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED EIGHTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $105.59

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED EIGHTY-NINE

8:40 AM - I have been woken up several times by the dog and now lawn equipment. Cool. I grab a vegetable barley soup container that I purchased last week from Costco and head out.

9:15 AM - I arrive at work and toast a piece of bread. I slather it with Melt butter and pour myself a toddy. I settle into my desk and do my B-12 regimen which I think is already starting to help!

11:15 AM - Everyone goes to Taco Bell and I can’t resist. It’s cheap and I’m menstrual. I get a side of beans (no cheese) and a side of chips and a fresco bean burrito. $3.54

12:30 PM - I blast through a proposal for a meeting I have scheduled tomorrow and spend my last half hour of work meandering around on the internet.

5:15 PM - We have plans as an office to go to a haunted house tonight. Boss drives us to North Phoenix where we eat at Chili’s. It’s surprisingly not terrible. As we start our second drink, my boss realizes the haunted house is closed -- and so are all of the others in the valley. Defeated, we drown our sorrows in more presidente margaritas. Boss pays.

7:45 PM - I arrive at home and find that the dog isn’t too phased by my late arrival. Boyfriend is working tonight so we didn’t exactly plan this very well. I let her out and veg on the couch for a few hours. Those margs knocked me out!

10:45 PM - Boyfriend comes home from work and we talk about our days. We watch the Simpsons but I’m asleep by the 2nd episode.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED EIGHTY-NINE TOTAL: $3.54

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY

8:30 AM - The dog let me sleep last night! I wake up and shower and leave for work.

9:15 AM - I arrive at work and do the toddy toast thing. I spray some B-12. I’ll have to buy more tomorrow.

11:30 AM - I quickly walk to Sprouts and grab a bunch of kale, grape tomatoes, and a cucumber. I’ve had meetings all morning and I have another one this afternoon. $3.73

12:00 PM - Using the ingredients listed above, plus a red onion from a few weeks ago, I make a salad and top it with rosemary balsamic dressing. I’m not super into this dressing but I’m trying to get rid of condiments in the fridge here. I seem to be taking up an entire shelf of them. I also heat up some of the Costco vegetable barley soup I brought yesterday. It’s actually pretty good!

12:30 PM - Really long meeting starts now.

2:30 PM - Meeting ends! I grab my mug and fill it with hot water to steep some tea. I have this berryblossom white tea from Tazo that I’ve slowly been going through for the past year or so. It’s not very good, but it gives me that little extra caffeine kick and I need it today.

3:00 PM - One cup is not enough. I know my boyfriend and I are staying home tonight and I feel like that’s a prime opportunity for me to cook dinner instead of going out. I know we’re both trying to budget, so I message him to see what he wants to do and the answer is clear: pasta.

5:00 PM - I stop at Sprouts on my way home and buy some pasta, marinara, portabella mushrooms, basil, an onion, sweet peppers, a zucchini and some spinach. $14.93

5:30 PM - I sautee the veggies in olive oil and balsamic vinegar, cook the noodles, and heat up the sauce on the stove. I add some fresh garlic, chili flakes, and bay leaves to it to bring it to life a little.

6:30 PM - This meal rules and it made a bunch of leftovers. Probably enough for two more meals.

7:00 PM - We watch the Suns preseason game on TV against the Trailblazers. They get destroyed. Our point guards go for 1/14. Bad bad bad.

9:00 PM - We stop paying attention once we’re down by 25. I zone out on my phone for a while and boyfriend goes in the other room. Eventually I ask him what he’s up to and he shares an article with me about teens and anxiety. It was super interesting and it gives us a lot of perspective because we both struggle with it.

10:00 PM - That article made me super antsy. I have been working on launching my shop for quite a while but have been waiting on my boyfriend to build me a logo. At this rate, it won’t happen until Christmas, so I just launch my store without him. Hopefully I’ll get some sales and this won’t be a complete waste of money!

11:00 PM - I keep getting emails from USAA telling me they’re going to cancel my car insurance if I don’t pay up. It’s not due for another 12 days, but I fork over the $821.21 to cover myself for the next 6 months. This gets counted in my monthly expenses so I won’t count it here.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY TOTAL: $18.66

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-ONE

8:30 AM - I check my instagram and everything for the new shop. Everything seems to be working really well (no sales yet) but I feel okay about it! I send the shop to my boyfriend who says he is so proud of me and that it looks very good!

8:15 AM - I do the toddy toast thing and do my B-12 regimen. I am definitely starting to feel much better. Going to continue this for 2-3 more weeks and then taper down to a normal daily dose.

12:00 PM - I am starving! I prepare the same lunch as yesterday: vegetable barley soup and a salad.

2:30 PM - I have to boost 45 posts today and I’m really not feelin’ it. I walk to Comoncy and grab a tea to motivate me. $5

4:30 PM - I finish boosting my posts. Feels good man.

5:30 PM - I arrive at home and toast some bread with a couple slices of Follow Your Heart cheese and make a “grilled cheese.” I leave the house with it hanging out of my mouth and boyfriend and I head to Tucson.

7:15 PM - We arrive at the BBQ we’re attending and the hosts were kind enough to have grilled us vegan Boca burgers. I am still hungry so I double down on the bread and make myself a sandwich. We converse with other attendees who have all gathered in honor of their friend who is visiting town from NY.

9:45 PM - It’s getting late, so we head back home.

11:45 PM - Bed.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-ONE TOTAL: $5

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-TWO

9:00 AM - I arrive at work and do the toddy toast thing.

11:30 AM - Coworkers and I go out to lunch. I splurge and get a beer with my veggie burger at hand cut. $23.43

7:00 PM - Boyfriend and I decide to order take-out Cornish Pasty for dinner. I cover our order which includes an order of oven chips, and two pasties. They have my favorite one tonight: vegan pesto! $29.57

7:30 PM - We decide to spend the night in. I cuddle up with the dog and a glass of wine and read Harry Potter for the rest of the night.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-TWO TOTAL: $53.00

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-THREE

8:45 AM - Up at a decent time! I check my phone and see that my friend Q needs a ride to work around 10. I say yes. Boyfriend and I spend a little time lounging in bed and eventually get ready.

10:00 AM - We pick up Q and head to Cartel. We end up striking a conversation with the barista who neither of us know. He gives us our drinks for free.

10:15 AM - We drop Q off at his work which is a record store. We don’t frequent it too often, but we use this as an opportunity to look around. I try to buy a Stephen Steinbrink album that I don’t have but Q ends up giving it to me for free.

11:00 AM - We stop at the post office so I can pick up a package. We head home after that.

1:15 PM - I eat a fig bar because we haven’t eaten food at all today. We decide to go to AZ Mills and do a lap and eat after at Gallo Blanco, but by the time we finish walking, I am super shaky and don’t feel well at all from lack of food. We decide to just head home. I order Jimmy Johns for us on my phone on the way. $18.77

2:30 PM - I am starting to feel a little better, but start getting super anxious about my set tonight. I feel very under prepared.

4:00 PM - I give myself a face mask and finish testing all of my new records that came in the mail earlier this week. A couple of them pop but I clean them and the problems seem to be fixed.

8:00 PM - I stop at Cartel for a tea on my way to my gig. The barista gives it to me for free. I tip. Why does this keep happening to me? $1

8:30 PM - I arrive at Valley Bar but there isn’t really any parking, so I have to pay for a meter. $2.25

10:00 PM - I pretty much opt out of drinking for most of the night. A Cartel friend buys me a glass of wine, but I try not to drink too much when my brain gets this anxious because it doesn’t seem to ever help.

11:30 PM - I start my set and it’s a lot of fun! Anxiety instantly melts away and the dance floor slowly fills. It’s super slow tonight so people kind of come and go, but I try not to get discouraged.

2:15 AM - I am all packed up and ready to go. The GM drops a $125 check in my record bin on my way out.

3:00 AM - Bed.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-THREE: $22.02

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-FOUR

7:45 AM - I wake up for the second time to yell at the dog for barking outside. I don’t have the patience to deal with her, so I crate her so I can sleep.

10:30 AM - Boyfriend wakes me up. Woah! I can’t remember the last time I slept this late.

11:00 AM - We go to Cartel for coffee and ASU Grad Friend is working, so it’s free again. I tip. $2

11:30 AM - We go to Gallo Blanco to make up for yesterday. I get the veggie pozole and boyfriend gets huevos rancheros. He pays.

12:30 PM - We’re both feeling pretty good, so we go to Zia in central Phoenix. I buy a Man is the Bastard record. $16.28

1:00 PM - We head home and relax for a little bit. At some point I leave and go to OfficeMax to buy business cards to print for my ecommerce store. I sold my first pin yesterday and need to mail their package! I pay for this with my other bank account and don’t count it as a personal expense. I stop at Walgreens on the way home and pick up Gatorades for me and my boyfriend. $4.07

7:00 PM - We order Jimmy Johns for dinner. I pair it with a nice glass of red wine. $17.99

8:00 PM - We try watching Schitt’s Creek. It’s funny but pretty ridiculous.

9:00 PM - We curl up in bed and I finish reading the Harry Potter series. All was well.

DAY ONE HUNDRED HUNDRED NINETY-FOUR TOTAL: $40.34

[iworeheelsforthis]

Tacos, Yoga, Chill

Much like Eat, Pray, Love, I just returned from a week in Tulum, where I ventured solo for a yoga retreat. Tulum feels like what would be if Shabby Chic and Anthropologie had a perfect baby on the Caribbean Sea. The sand is like walking on buttery flour, the ocean is warmer than any heated pool, and the clouds sometimes look superimposed and other times they look like Bob Ross had a complete heyday. This dreamy paradise is legit.

It was the safest I've ever felt in Mexico. Nary a bad hombre in sight.

My trip started off with a hitch - my mom picked me up before 6am to drive me to my airport shuttle and we barely made it in time.  The bus was about to pull away but I flagged it down.  I ran back to the car to gather my bags and my mom shouted "I locked the keys in the car!" and all my luggage was inside.   I ran around the car like a frantic lunatic banging on the windows as if they would somehow roll down on their own with the shuttle driver looking at me very unamused.  Fortunately, after I completely sweat through my clothes in sheer panic, she discovered she had not in fact locked the keys inside and I made my flight in time.  What a relaxing way to be sent off.

It was 4 days into the retreat that I discovered this was a hot yoga retreat. The style of yoga is Baptiste and that's Bikram. I've avoided Bikram all of my yoga years, which is about 1/2 my life. So when we were doing yoga for four hours straight in a hut with no fans or AC and an outside temp of 90 degrees with 89% humidity I started to wonder if I was missing something. And I definitely was. I was also missing all of my electrolytes. I've literally never sweated so much in my life. I've also never been so flexible in my life, with zero achy joints. I now get why the elder folks just LOVE Florida.

But you quickly get over the fact that you look like a perpetual hot mess, that you can't flush ANY toilet paper, that the mosquitoes will feed on you, that AC (at least in my hotel) was non-existent so you won't get much sleep, that your toenail might be falling off but you're too overheated to care, that attempting to put make up or shoes on would be a total waste of time and that putting yoga clothes and spandex on a humid body takes at least 6 full minutes. Then you walk outside into the hot sun and run freely into the ocean to swim right alongside the pelicans as if they were your pets. And everything melts away. Including my extreme fear of birds, so clearly this is a miraculous place.

It was a cast of characters. Truly a mix of all types. We had a newly single divorcee dad looking for some young tail peace.  And he got it with a reformed Mormon mother, newly separated from her husband of about 15 years, which put her wedding age around 16.  

She made up a third of the Kardashian trio, as we called them. They were three reformed Mormons with teenage kids and sugar daddies who had sent them on this trip. Did they do any yoga on this yoga retreat? Nope. Not even one shavasana. Did they Instagram the shit out of their every meal and over-posed selfies, drink all the tequila, have on full make up for breakfast whilst wearing crocheted thong bikinis and stilletos, and go on shopping sprees using their "daddies" credit cards? You bettah believe it.  And hey more power to them. Mormon suppression is a real thing so let loose. They just stuck out like a sore thumb.

One of them had a higher pitched voice than a baby chick and announced "I'm a freak in bed".  We wondered if that meant that she does something other than missionary or if she pegs her boyfriend.  We'll never know.

Another one of them looked like Khloe K's doppelgänger with overfilled everything - lips, brows, cheeks, boobs, and butt.  You could find her by listening to the sounds of her vomiting up tequila or freaking out about the cost of the shoes she bought (not with her money of course).  "I thought they cost 1500 pesos, not 1500 dollars!"

There was the photographer who came in an attempt to have her trip paid for by doing $200 amateur beach shoots. Oddly, she was only offering unedited  Facebook photos to recipients, not on a thumb drive or sent as a file. One subject had some racy nudes taken and the photographer wanted to publicly post them on FB. WTF.  She never came to any of the yoga classes or joined group activities, yet was depressed people weren't signing up for her work. I had a dream one night where I was talking about her behind her back saying that her brand is to make connections with all of us and that would drum up business. In my dream she attacked me so I took it as a sign to avoid her all week.

One night she told a few girls that the reason she came on the trip was to get away from the drama in her life - she's having an affair but doesn't want to divorce her rich husband because her lover has no money but is great in bed. "It's so hard you guyyyys."  Another night she barged into my new friend's cabana while we were chatting, ripped off her dress to fully expose her naked and pierced genitals, threw herself on the bed and started taking photos of my friend urging her to get naked. It was all very perverse.

Then we had the former southern belle who met her husband as a teenager and has since evolved into a yogi with a new green dyed buzz cut, and is attempting to change her first name. And she doesn't understand why he wants a divorce. He signed up for a sweet girl with a drawl and she's gunning for a part in the Mad Max sequel.

There was one couple on the trip who decided to have a Mayan wedding ceremony.  This was exciting since the last wedding I went to ended up with the bride and groom divorcing 6 months later.  

The shaman who performed the ceremony was clearly dehydrated like the rest of us, and as he chanted we watched as one white clump formed on the side of his mouth.  Soon another one formed on the other side of his mouth.  I wanted to bring him a kleenex and force water down his mouth but he was kind of in the thick of marrying people so I restrained.

Have you seen the movie Couples Retreat?  The manager of the resort was this guy's double.  

"No, I have not hooked up with anyone on these retreats. Do you think I will?"  - actual quote.

My friend and I checked out the shopping one day and came across a guy selling crystals.  What he didn't know was that my friend is a legitimate crystal connoisseur so when he showed us amber, it was actually plastic and his obsidian was petrified wood.  Classic mix up!

The mosquitoes were mean buggers.  Not only did they prefer the bottom of my feet and the backs of my knees but they started attacking faces.  One of the women full on slapped another across the face Dynasty-style to kill one of the suckers.

Speaking of Kardashians, my feet were so swollen from bites that they looked like Kim's feet when she was 8 months pregnant.  Really not hot.

Now for the travel guide portion of this post:  

Eat here and order the pasta.  Get the 2nd red wine down on the list. You might accidentally order 3 bottles and then chase the baby turtles running by.

Start with drinks on the roof at sunset overlooking the jungle here and then go downstairs and shove 4 fish tacos in your face faster than I did. I dare you.

Visit this cenote and if you want to face your fear of stalactites and stalagmites and in particular the cave horror movie, The Descent like I did, be sure to rent snorkel gear. You won't sleep well for a week but it's quite beautiful. Spoiler alert: if you don't like hundreds of bats swarming overhead, don't go here.  You'll freak.

Stay here if you like it eco-friendly and mostly vegetarian.  When Mauro asks for your room number even though you didn't order anything, make up a room number so that you can sleep that night and don't have a panic attack while you shower assuming he is looking into your windows without curtains on them.  Which he probably was.

Get a $35 massage on the beach here but also know that it's either going to be one of the best or one of the worst massages of your life. I had both.  I'm pretty sure no one was even massaging me for the bad one and it was just the sea breeze rubbing up against me. But hey, it's $35.

Do some shopping in Tulum Town and then find your way into here for some 2 for 1 priced drinks and yummy apps on the house.  Which you'll definitely need after you realize you overpaid for your "authentic" Mexican wares.  Ay ay ay.

Order the original margarita and some guac here overlooking the turquoise ocean and attractive couples dry humping on the lounge beds in front of you.

Wander into here and eat your Acai bowl in a hammock.  Doing this and trying not to spill it is a workout so you're basically consuming zero calories. Win-win!

To recap, Tulum is amazing. I highly recommend it.  The lack of wi-fi, the yoga culture, the endless delicious and healthy food, the epic scenery and the sexy people all make this place a true respite from whatever you need respite from.  Whether that be a needy sugar daddy, your damn kids, your rich but boring husband, moderate temperatures, or shitty tequila.  Dios mio, come get twisted in Tulum!