#and i couldnt do the diahes

[shaddy-bee]

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[abrahamshipwreck]

Tired but too uncomfortable to nap and I gotta wait for delivery people and I couldnt make food bc no one but me in the house does dishes so I had to do the diahes from the parents dinner lasr night and run the dishwasher bc theres no utensils and then when the bed is here I have to make it and Im tired but I cant nap

[shadymultiverse]

I think I understand

My father was never present. I was constantly seeking. Its a cliche but its the truth. I remember how angry he always way and how much it hurt when he hit me. I remember how he would turn against me because Id follow him around for hours trhing to get jis attention and when id finally get frustraited and cry hed scream at me to shut up and put me in the corner.

My brother tells me that I dont handle anything and maybe hes right.

I do whatever needs to be done in the noment and sit it in for months after that. Im alive but im hurting.

My sister obly attacked me when I was doing well. When my mother paid attention to me instead of her, the moment i was alone with ny sister Id get punished for existing. She just couldnt stand the idea that I might like skmething about myself and worse yet that I would think anything was about me. She loved to have me serve her because if i was doing everything for her she was looking at me. She was seeing me. She wasnt hitting me. Id rud her feet and brush her hair and act like the maid.

I make a good made. A great ine even. A maid or a mother its the only role I ever get cast in. Thats my type. Its not just sister that tells me this but every audition ive ever done has resulted int he same. People only want me to cook and clean for them. To take care of them. And why not? Im so good at it!

My brother was hot and cold, so hurtful and so demanding. So incredibly twrrifying psychotic and then kind and loving

But dont ever hug them. Not daddy or sissa or brubru. Dont touch them. Dont hug them. Dont think that you deaerve to be loved by them. Do everythi g that they want you to do. Figure outf what makes them happy so you can feel loved but dont ever try to be touched gently. Kindly.

Just swallow ever bruise and word and them go scrub the diahes, rub my feet, make me dinner.

Do everything for them. Never feel yourself.

Never know yourself. Sit in the corner and wait to be called upon.

Look at me me when im talking to you.

Dont tell anyone what your cousin did to you. You should be ashamed of it. We are ashamed of you for how weak you were. If you cant fight off the person hurting you then you deaerve it.

But... everything you taught me made me pretend like i loved him for. The entire time he raped me. I fought for but a mome t then i realized he wanted me to love him. So i loved him. I played house. I played the mother. I pretended as though he was my mate. I did a good job. He told me so.

And then it was just a game. I was a good girl. I was a good girl and i let him love me.

I was a good girl because i thought if i was a good enough girl id get a hug.

Id get to feel like the pretty princess and not the ugly maid.

But thats not how this kind of thing works.

Im starting to learn what real love is.

Its my two best friends calling me because they know im falling apart. Its the way they hold me together and talk to be about nonsense. Or sweet nothings. Or let me svream into my phone at them becauae im so fucking hurt and i just want to feel better. Its the way they say Im sorry when i say yoube hurt me. Its the way they hug me. Its the way they love me.

Its my kitty arching her foot against me when i start to cry. The soft way they tell me 'im here, your not alone, i can carry you and you can carry me but id rather we walk together'

Its how the respect my bounderies. Its how they always let me find my words and dint berate me for not being able to speak. Its how they want to enjoy things with me.