#and yes this does all add up to over 20k words!!!

[corbenic]

WIP Tag Game

RULES: Make a new post with the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

Thanks for tagging me, @andiatas!

ACTIVE WIP: Princess Imperial

Now, here's the fun thing about Princess Imperial... I don't have any post drafts in progress right now. But I do have 160,500 scrapped words. So let's mix up the game a little! If you send me an ask with any of the following prompts, I will post the entire corresponding deleted scene:

Evie and Julien as grad school classmates (1,500 words)

Evie in the archives (3,250 words)

Garden proposal (4,250 words) (shared! also has 10k words of follow-up: part one, part two, part three, and part four)

Banquet and a ball (5,750 words) (shared!)

Gallery opening (1,500 words)

Evie is invited to Compiègne (1,750 words)

Evie at Compiègne (1,250 words)

Cent-Garde, Élysée Palace Division (2,500 words) (shared!)

for bonus fun I can make a poll about which scrapped element should be added back into the story... but the only poll options are from deleted scenes I share here, meaning you only get the full voting experience if I get asked for all eight scenes

WIPs ON HOLD: literally everything else

LionNovel

StormKingNovel

This Strange Labyrinth

Trollmarch

Tagging: @widowsresolve, @colonelcaroldanvers, @pocket-size-cthulhu, @sea-dukes-assistant, @blossomgracei, and anyone else who wants to play!

[discworld-heritage-posts]

What do you think you add? Do you think you make a poignant post better when after scrolling down through it we see someone saying it's "official"?

I'm choosing to interpret this ask as a genuine question (albeit one that's been worded a bit rudely) instead of a hate anon, because I wouldn't want to tarnish people's dashboards with hate anons.

Now, to answer your genuine question... The "Discworld Heritage Post" tagline I add to the end of posts has as much validity as I have authority to bestow it: none. Do I think my tagline makes posts better? Of course not! And I certainly don't think I make them official, (and neither my url or my pinned post claim that I do so).

I don't know what reasons other people had to start their own Heritage Posts blogs for other fandoms, but I will gladly tell you mine: I got into Discworld. I discovered the Discworld fandom in Tumblr. And, one day, while scrolling down some Discworld related tags, the idea just popped into my head. After checking that there wasn't a Discworld Heritage Posts blog already, I decided to make one.

I personally follow a few Heritage Posts blogs, and my reason to do so is probably the same as to why many people follow this blog: I wanted to see that kind of content. Tracking tags and being up to date on the most popular posts of a fandom is doable, but doing so for the dozens upon dozens of media I'm into is impossible, so I like to follow some Heritage Posts blogs to get some of those posts directly into my dashboard (it's also worth mentioning that sometimes, some iconic posts are made when people comment stuff on them, and those don't appear in the search tags, so following blogs that post about a certain fandom is the best way to come across some of those collaborative posts, because otherwise you'd rarely get to see them). So yes, I created a blog that, had it already existed, I would have liked to follow. Also, while other blogs with this gimmick usually limit themselves to reblogging, let's call them the "greatest hits", I've said since the beginning that I didn't care about how many notes something had. Be it cool art or a funny or insightful post, if I like it, I send it to my drafts.

However, none of those reasons are the main reason why I made this blog. The main reason is that I did it for myself. After exhausting all the content that showed up in the Popular Posts tab, I couldn't help but think of all the gold and treasure that wasn't there, buried and hidden due to the way Tumblr's search engine works. If you're familiar with the Discworld concept of "lies-to-children", that's what the "top posts of all time" is in Tumblr. A 20k post from 2016 will not be there, but a six month old post with 400 notes will show up. Surely there had been amazing Discworld posts and art posted in 2015 and 2013, but I wasn't going to find most of them unless I expressly went looking for them. And this blog was the perfect excuse to do so. As of replying to this ask, there's nearly 600 posts sitting in my drafts, and if I didn't have this blog I would have never discovered 90% of them. And those are the ones I've seen. I still have dozens of places I haven't searched.

I know that if I reblog a month old post with over 2k notes, a lot of people in the fandom will have already seen it. However, a 2k notes post from 2014, or a drawing with 40 notes from 2012 is something that is less likely to have hit people's dashes recently, or at all. When you come across the "Discworld Heritage Post" tagline in a post, please don't picture me as an uppity monarch performing the Tumblr equivalent of a knighting ceremony, or a stuffy museum curator deigning a piece worthy of being included in an exhibition. Picture me as a kid enthusiastically jumping and flailing my arms around while yelling "holy shit guys check out what I just found!!", because that's how I feel running this blog.

Ultimately, whether one of my posts does better or worse is indifferent to me, because they aren't my posts, or memes, or drawings. I'm just the intermediary. That being said, of course it's not indifferent to me, because more engagement means that was a post many people hadn't seen before, or had forgotten about, and one of my goals was to run a blog that would allow people to find those hidden or long forgotten gems.

When all is said and done, Heritage Post blogs are just another one of Tumblr's gimmicks. If we're not your cup of tea, you're free to ignore or block us. If you want to reblog something and don't want the tagline, you can reblog it directly from OP (or from another reblog if OP has deactivated their account).

[hannie-dul-set]

sunwater [teaser].

SYNOPSIS. this is how you get a merman boyfriend.

PAIRING. park sunghoon x female! reader. GENRE. merman! sunghoon, artist! reader, slight college! au, strangers to lovers, romance, modern fantasy, humor, suggestive. WARNINGS. swearning, drowning, dirty/inappropriate jokes, mentions of sex, things might get a lil spicy but No Explicit Smut, mermaid politics, reader says and does a lot of questionable shit (might add more as i progress!) WORD COUNT. full fic: est. 20k more or less. teaser: 1.3k RELEASE DATE. late july to early august.

NOTE. finally thought of a title last night and immediately made the header so i can post the teaser HAUHASDH. stemmed from a convo with a friend of mine (i quote "u reject every man woman person that tries to date u. little do they know, ur type isn't human 🤩").

anyway, send me an ask/dm to be added to the taglist! preview under the cut.

GANGNEUNG-SI, GANGWON-DO. The drive to the east coast is always nostalgic, like fragments of previous summers are powdered into the air and with every inhale of the breeze outside the car window fills you with the past— scraped knees from the rocky beachside, saltwater daydreams under bunny-shaped clouds, and the smell of paint and the sea melting together in early morning dews. It takes a little over an hour for the cab to roll up to your summer neighborhood. It takes twenty minutes of walking to get to your family’s vacation house situated right beside the sea.

“Welcome home.”

Your words echo in the empty living room and your own voice greets you with remembrance. A smile crawls onto your lips. Eggshell walls, sandy brown wooden panels, your favorite blue sofa matching the stripes on the rug underneath it, and the sheer cream curtains painted with the orange spills of the sunset through wall to ceiling windows— it’s a still life painting of last year’s summer. Prior to that, you still had plants around, but they kept dying, getting replaced and dying again until your neglectful guilt finally hit you. Throughout highschool, your family diligently spent time here every December and July. Now, it’s just you every summer and the caretaker that comes by every few months.

“I should call mom after dinner,” you hum, washing the dishes you found in the cupboards. Your first night here always ends early. By sunfall, you have a quick meal, wash up, tuck yourself into bed upstairs and allow yourself to be lulled to sleep by the sloshing waves of the nighttime sea. 

Four in the morning is when you start to feel alive.

The first thing you do upon waking up, pitch black sky with the sun still hiding behind the oceanline, you grab one of the bags you left on your living room sofa, slinging it over your shoulder before picking up a folded up easel leaned against the wall and two of the blank canvas panels stacked beside it. Your body moves mechanically, practiced and familiar movements— sliding the glass door open to the backyard and closing, feeling the sand wither underneath your bare soles until soft grains blend into jagged stone as you climb up the natural staircase of rocks, leading up to a solid flat plateau.

Is it safe to be painting on top of a cliff when you’ve just woken up? No. Have you been doing this every day since you were fourteen every summer you spend at your vacation home? Yes. 

When the sun starts to rise, you become invigorated with life that it almost feels like rebirth.

You haven’t fallen to your death yet, and you don’t have any plans to slip and succumb to its cold hands any time soon. Not until you manage to perfectly capture the image before your eyes at this very moment; neither your memories nor your imperfect renditions can compare to the vibrancy of the orange stained waves, the clarity white seafoam kissing its surface, and the beauty of flaming disk peeking from the firmament where the sky meets the sea in all its ephemeral glory.

It’s five-thirty when the sun fully emerges from the water. Your legs give in, and you fall onto the rocky ground with a sigh. All you could finish is the underpaint today. You’ll continue working tomorrow. 

Whenever someone asks you— why the fuck are you doing this? you never have a satisfying answer. It’s an exercise, it’s a routine; it’s the only time when I feel like I’m painting something worthwhile. You have countless pieces in galleries and exhibits, meaningless works with the highest praises from your professors, but they’re nothing worth the buzz of your fingertips whenever you chase the sunrise with your own paint-stained hands until it inevitably, ritualistically flies beyond your devoted reach.

The strain in your leg muscles takes forever to recover. You should remember to bring a stool tomorrow because although you don’t feel anything besides adrenaline whenever you attack the canvas with your brush, the aftertaste can be a little brutal. 

“Can’t you stay a little longer tomorrow?” you mumble to the orange tinted sky as you lay on the uneven ground, arms and legs spread out in vulnerability. When it doesn’t respond, you groan and pull yourself up. You could leave your painting materials here, but the probability of them getting thrown into the ocean by the wind is too high for your peace of mind.

As you collect your paint brushes and gather your extra paint tubes, your eyes keep getting pulled by the ocean’s songs. The scene before you has been imprinted in your retinas since you were seven. So when something appears amiss or changes, you can pick it apart immediately. A shift in the tides. A crack in the rock formation. Even a floating piece of driftwood from afar can’t slip away from your attention.

So when you find something— rather, someone emerging from the warm blue near the sprouting rocks, you drop your things and pace quickly to the edge to get a better look.

This is odd. This entire plot of land is private property, and it’s the only way to get into the water besides the island across it, which is still at least twenty miles away. Your eyebrows furrow, wondering how they got here, but when you get to the edge of the cliff, the rough terrain biting into your feet, your concerns are suddenly thrown into the water underneath you.

You can see the intruder’s face clearly now. Whoever he is, he’s breathtaking.

He’s gotten closer to the shore, resting his arms on the inky rock, half submerged into blue depths. The saltwater beads glisten like jewels on his porcelain skin, splashing sunlight into the water when he throws his head back before letting the ocean consume him once more. There’s a flicker of gold that splashes above the surface in a steady rhythmic wave, slowly moving further away.

You have found your new ocean sunrise. You don’t intend on letting him get away.

Splash!

Suddenly, all the warmth from your skin is stripped away as your body sinks into the sea, engulfed by the thick raptures of its waves. Though having been enamored by it for the better part of your life, you have never stepped into the ocean’s embrace— never dared to corrupt its ethereal beauty with your feeble humanity— that is, until now. You slowly feel heavier, and each second hurts more than the last, like the sun itself has entered your lungs and is burning you from the inside. Maybe you should have learned how to swim. Maybe you shouldn’t have jumped off the cliff in the rushing hopes of catching a fleeting stranger’s attention.

No one should underestimate the lengths an artist would go for their art. Just when your consciousness starts to slip, you see a spark in the dark water, slowly approaching before your eyelids flutter to a close. You can hear nothing. You feel nothing but the cold, until all of the sudden you’re gasping, coughing out water from your lungs and the jagged rock you’re laying on sinks its teeth into your wet palms.

There’s one person who could have saved you. You can’t believe your deranged plan worked.

You open your eyes and look above, your still beating heart burning into a frenzy and instead of the sunrise sky, your gaze meets a pair of stygian gemstones muddled with concern. A few droplets of water from his damp hair fall onto your cheeks. 

“Are you okay?”

Burnt stars form a constellation on his face. His lips are full and painted by coral hues. 

“I want to burn you in my memory.”

He’s even more breathtaking up close, it’s almost impossible to believe. Your gaze draws down, noticing how you’re caged between his arms, noticing the patchy waist bag loosely hanging on his bare hips over a makeshift skirt of fabric, noticing the iridescent gold flakes blending into his skin, shimmering under the sunlight from where his lower half should be.

You flit your eyes back up. His are now widened in panic.

Splash!

sunwater. © hannie-dul-set, 2023.

[bettsfic]

Hi Betts! <3 Can you tell us more about your craft process on how you pick a voice for a piece? I usually start plotting a story when I see or read something that makes me think, "That. That's what I want." But often I struggle to translate that feeling into a particular narration style, especially something that feels doable for more than 20k.

ah, you've touched on the most important and most difficult-to-articulate part of my writing process.

so first i want to say that you never *have* to change your voice or style. i would say most writers basically only use one voice, theirs, and they stick to it. if you're happy with the way you're writing, don't feel obligated to switch it up because you think you have to have major variation in that regard.

however, voice is pretty integral to my writing. if i can grasp the voice of a character, i know everything about them. there's minimal conscious invention in my characters. they have a voice and therefore they exist more or less fully formed, and could become the protagonist or narrator of their own story. in fact this sometimes bites me in the ass, because when i find a new character, i always want to switch into their POV. and that makes whatever i'm working on longer and more complicated, when i'm trying to keep it short and simple.

when i say "voice" i don't mean it as some fancy craft term. i mean i can actually hear their voice in my head. that's something they don't put in the welcome packet when you get diagnosed with a psychotic disorder. a lot of people assume "hearing voices" means audio hallucinations, but it can actually just mean harboring the inner monologue of other people in your head, knowing it's nothing more than cognitive ventriloquism. if you have this capability, congratulations. you have a mild positive psychotic symptom extremely conducive to creativity. if you don't, a lot of what i'm saying probably doesn't make any sense.

there's a lot of overlap between high creative output and what i call diet coke psychosis. as in, you may have all the flavor of a psychotic disorder (creativity!) and none of the calories (the agonies).

so how do i find new voices? actors.

when i binge the filmography of an actor, it's to appease an obsession, yes, but there's also a creative practicality to it, in that they can often serve as the foundation of a new voice. it usually begins with simple facecasting (which is another thing not everyone does), but often morphs a step beyond that, where you have the actor's real voice playing a character you've created. and then that, after months or years or tens of thousands of words, eventually develops into a whole-ass new person. and once you have that, you can add that voice to your roster and toss them into other stories.

in addition to filmographies, i also binge actor interviews. seasoned actors have developed a persona, so they have an ample filmography but their interviews are less useful. but actors who are fairly new and don't have many titles under their belt yet have no idea how to be famous, and that's where the gold is.

i also owe a lot to gimmick interviews like when actors have to answer questions while being attacked by puppies. no one can maintain a persona when puppies are crawling all over them.

you know how when you're around someone long enough you can pick up their mannerisms? and you know how sometimes you can daydream about being interviewed for no apparent reason? my process of finding a voice is a combination of those things. maybe i'm making it more complicated than it is. maybe it's more common than i'm giving it credit for. but it's very difficult to consciously describe unconscious processes.

a lot of writers base characters off of people they know. i actively try not to do that, not because i think it's wrong but because it's going to happen anyway, and if i push that instinct away, what bleeds in is what i can't keep out, and what i can't keep out is what needs to be there. so every voice is an actor playing the character of someone who was once very dear to me. (i almost never create characters based on people actively in my life.)

and, of course, i have to put a piece of myself in each character too. i have to find some personal connection, usually a question i have about myself and my life that i think only they can answer through the course of their journey. i have to be curious about them. what do we have in common? what don't we have in common?

as to your question about sustainability over 20k, one challenge i've given myself these past couple years is the way a character changes and develops over decades or maybe their entire life. a voice doesn't always have to be consistent, especially if your story takes place over a long time. in some cases whatever a voice turns into over the course of a story is just the way it needs to be, but sometimes you have to pull a "he wouldn't fucking say that" and go back to shuffle sentences around a bit.

i also think a lot of what i'm saying applies mostly to dialogue and first person. i consider first person basically a very long monologue, whereas i think third person i think has a lot more elasticity, and you can move around more easily in the closeness and distance of narration. i think that elasticity is what makes third person more comfortable for a lot of writers.

voice is a big thing deployed in a little way. it's the difference between "don't have" and "haven't got." it's whether they're more conducive to ending thoughts with a hard stop or connecting them with "and." but it's also in the lies they tell themselves to get by, and what they think the conflict is versus what the conflict really is, and maybe what they're trying to persuade us of. a voice is inherently rhetorical.

i hope some of this makes sense. and because this has gotten long, i've provided some examples from my novel in progress, rabbit's blood, under the cut!

i open the novel in third omniscient, which i absolutely hated because it's antithetical to everything i've described here, but it got the job done. whether i'll keep it through to later drafts remains to be seen.

On November 9, 1951, Mary Mills goes into labor. Her husband Duke is not present. She hasn’t seen him since she announced to him that she was pregnant with twins. In Duke’s stead, her oldest son Wyatt, four years old, waits at her bedside to meet his brothers. Wise beyond his years, he understood immediately that his father had abandoned them. After these past several months watching his mother’s grief and fear and anger rise as she slowly came to accept the truth, he vows now to dedicate his life to doing the right thing.

after this, the twins are born, skip and birdie. in subsequent chapters, we move into first person.

here's birdie at 60ish years old in the present. he's spent the past 10 years driving around the country robbing banks with his daughter mel.

It took us a long time to realize robbing tellers was a stupid idea. Tellers only ever have a couple thousand in their drawers. Not even worth it to go in guns blazing, get all the money from all the drawers and hold everybody hostage until the vault opens. One, that’s mean. Two, the vault might not have much either. On a bad day, you’ll walk away with ten, twenty grand, meanwhile half a dozen people are going to be traumatized for life, and if you get caught, your ass is in jail for a minimum of seven years. The government doesn’t give a fuck about banks losing money, but they get real angry when you put a gun in somebody’s face. That is, unless they’re the ones who gave it to you.

here's birdie reflecting on the past and falling in love with mel's mother, anita.

I’d gotten good at following her orders, so when she said, “Kiss me,” I said, “Yes, ma’am,” and I did. It was sweet at first, which made me think she was shy, that maybe this was her first kiss, but that didn’t last long. Passion wasn’t something I’d ever associated with myself and definitely didn’t associate with her, but we brought it out in each other alongside all the other dark and wild things.

this is birdie's son johnny reflecting on how much he hates his father. he's 30ish in the present timeline.

For my entire life my father had a goatee like the devil and blond hair that had turned mostly white by the time he was forty. He was thin, wiry, had the defensive posture of a surly teenager smoking outside of school. Mom, Mel, and I all looked alike, but Birdie looked like some guy who’d just wandered into our house.

and here's mel, also 30s, in the present. birdie has decided to part ways with her and this is the aftermath, where mel hooks up with a showgirl and takes her to breakfast the next morning.

Sara and I have breakfast at the Denny’s on the Strip which is maybe my favorite Denny’s in the country, and that’s saying something. I ask her lots of questions about microbiology, and to be polite she asks me some questions too, about my occupation and where I’m from and all that, but I evade them because she’s not really interested in my answers and I’m not interested in giving them. She’s twenty or twenty-two or something like that and that means she just wants to be the center of somebody’s attention, somebody she thinks is bigger than her, and that’s something I can offer. 

some things to note:

in the first excerpt, you'll notice a lack of contractions. that's because it's just my voice and i don't use a lot of contractions. because neurodivergence i guess, i don't know. there's also a higher register here, which you can tell by the variation of the sentences and the position of the clauses.

i based birdie off my father but birdie's voice isn't my dad's voice. that said, my dad was a habitual lecturer and so birdie is prone to Explaining Things. he also lobs off subjects of sentences sometimes and because he's spent his life running from the law, he's somewhat defensive and that comes out in a kind of aura of persuasion.

he's much more forthright when reflecting, and i think that can be found in the facts he's putting down over the opinions he offers in the present. when reflecting, he's much more vulnerable.

as far as johnny goes, i'm still working on him. i dragged him over from a different project and i'm reworking him. in the other project, he was extremely jaded and cold, and his narration style was direct and somewhat distant. some of that will carry over, but i also want to make him slightly more pathetic and immature.

mel is very reluctant to end sentences, so i try to keep them going for as long as i can. she also rambles, has a good sense of humor, and is extremely intelligent.

okay i've worked way way way too long on this, so i'm just going to hit post and hope it offers a little insight. also, happy to talk more about rabbit's blood and my process of writing it if anyone is interested.

[sorryimananti-romantic]

hi! i just wanted to come on here to firstly ask a question, then praise your work!

first, my question is what’s your writing process? whenever i try to write, i always end up getting distracted because i worry so much about how i start the story. should i begin with a line of dialogue? should i start with a rhetorical question/vague backstory that leads into a character’s current situation? should i just start with action straight off the bat? i literally never know. there are some days where i get the inspiration to write all day, but i never end writing anything because i get stuck on the intro or research.

i even have a document with the first few paragraphs of multiple works that i like just to see how these wonderful pieces start. one document of mine is like one page long and it’s only filled with possible intros. LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE!! and they’re all so different from each other! yours always lead into the story so well and they’re never the same, so i applaud you!

anyways, onto your well deserved praise! you are literally the only writer on this site that i genuinely look forward to. when you released guerilla, i literally squealed and i don’t do that. maybe a giggle here and there, but never a squeal. not only do you write long stories (which i personally prefer. 20k - 50k words? AND it’s good writing?? you deserve a kiss on the head from God himself!), but quality writing, good punctuation, no overused dialogue tags, badass reader characters, and always a happy ending. you’re truly a godsend! especially because of your happy endings (and badass reader character— emphasis on badass). there’s this one seonghwa piece that’s like over 50k words, but it doesn’t have a happy ending so i haven’t read it. for me, fiction should end with the reader being happy so if i won’t be happy at the end, i don’t want to read it. but that never happens with you. i’m sure i’ve read all your pieces at least once and i can positively say that i’m always smiling like an idiot after i finish.

overall, you’re a writer that i learn from and you’re writing is absolutely awesome. keep up the good work and make sure to take care of yourself! i may not know you personally, but that doesn’t mean i can’t think you deserve all the good things in the world for creating a universe that readers can get immersed in and forget about reality for some time. all for free at that too. you deserve the world and more. so does everyone else reading this though! can’t wait for your next release! you’re awesome!!

omygod. this has to be the best message i have ever received and i'm smiling so hard. i read this like three times before i came up with a few words to respond (if you know me, you also know i struggle with this ahaha 😭)

first of all, thank you so much for the praise, i can't tell you how much this means to me and this came at the right time- perhaps, you're godsend for me! (struggling with this one fic and i refuse to write anything else until i finish this one bc it's collected dust for far too long now). you squealed when you saw guerrilla? 😭 you prefer long stories? 😭 and you like happy endings? 😭😭 that's me yes ahaha

thank you so much, glad to have another person here who likes the length of my fics (bc of you all i have been physically unable to keep my oneshots short). i'm glad my writing style appeals to you! i know my english isn't perfect but thank you for appreciating it! one thing i refuse to write is a basic reader character (not that we don't like a basic reader character once in a while-- i just always gotta add a little sth 😭) (might write a basic reader soon tho ahaha) as for the happy endings, i do have a few tragedies planned for the year but you're absolutely right-- we love our happy endings. if i have to make sth tragic, it will be ending on a bittersweet, it-had-to-be-this-way note and i hope i can write it well and i hope you read that whenever i post it too! i'd love to hear what you think of it (it's far in the future but one day i will)

to answer your question, my writing process for a long time was literally just sit and write whatever's coming to me. most of my fics have been spontaneous like that-- sudden impulse, unplanned everything, just a general idea of the roles of the main characters and a basic idea of the plot-- not even the ending. i don't like to plan the ending, actually. i like to simply plan how it begins, what the key points are, and the ending comes naturally from there.

one thing i've started doing recently is just write my thoughts in a paragraph or bulletpoints (bc i have the memory of a goldfish) but it helps if you want to prefer planning and then writing. the most important advice i can give to anyone here is to not be afraid to write. literally write whatever you want, and do not be afraid to edit. or even rewrite. cannot stress this enough. i'll give an example:

with guerrilla, i had the trope: serial killer/doctor/biker yunho and crime fiction writer reader. no background of the characters. no ending in mind. simply that they were housemates, there will be dark humour involved and yunho will gradually warm up to the reader. that was literally all i had! when i opened the doc to write, i thought about how i would want it to start-- i think with intros, you gotta write sth that gives the readers a basic idea of where they are, why they are there, who they are, etc. and then you can continue the story, so you gotta shape the intro to attract their attention with a general idea, right? now i just went with the flow, wrote whatever i wanted to, and whenever i would add some detail, i would go back and edit it in- either in the form of dialogue or some foreshadowing (we love foreshadowing). when i thought of their tragic past? went back again to edit that in. so basically just a series of writing, editing what's written, cutting what looks unnecessary now, and voila.

so how should you start your story? depends on the story. sometimes, it needs to start with action when it's an action heavy plot, right? we would like to find ourselves in a middle of a fight or sth like that to set the tone immediately. so whatever the theme of your story is, you gotta set the tone in the first part! also, don't be afraid to start from wherever you want- you can always add parts later! like my series take me home-- i literally started from the middle and when i came up with a plot twist that supported what i wrote, i went back and wrote the first half LOL and then i planned the ending from there. i think readers also prefer if you don't add unnecessary details/scenes in the beginning, yeah? fillers are for inside the story, not in the beginning or the ending.

also, don't be afraid to experiment! write what you're the most comfortable writing, don't be too hung up on research and facts-- you can literally make anything up because it's fiction. it's your world and your rules. i literally make up whole new universes to save myself from the hassle of real-life technicalities (you may have noticed how i never use real places or setting lmao). if you have an idea that you really want to write, start with there, and simply, write. let the words flow, let it go wherever your mind takes you. you'll find your hands typing by themselves! you can worry about if it's good or not later, just write! (you won't believe me but as i'm finishing writing a fic, i begin to kind of hate it. no amount of reassurances convince me that it's good enough bc i am the writer. i still post and when i receive feedback, that's when i realise it might be good! and when some time has passed and i reread it, i'm sometimes amazed- i wrote that? how will i top that? and the cycle continues 😔✌️)

also, thank you for that sweet little msg at the end 🥹 literally sending my best to you. you deserve all the good things too! i'm glad you're able to get yourself lost in the universe i create for my fics, that means i'm doing a good job 🥹 thank you again! <33 i hope you won't be afraid to write and simply wing it LOL that's how i do it and you know what?

the most unplanned and spontaneous fics have been the most loved here.

[ellekhen]

No Hard Feelings

Chapter 6 - A Tale Untold

Chapter Summary: Irva shares her story, and Wyll listens.

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Pairing: Wyll x Female Tav Rating: Explicit Length: 20K+ words; Chapters 6/8

Excerpt below:

It is deep within the Well of Dragons where Irva recounts all she can to the high Wearer of Purple. The healers had taken care of the hole in her belly and the skin nearly melted from her face, but the wounds still leave the girl with puffy scars that sting and tingle. Not to mention that her body still aches from exhaustion, and her mind is scattered with thoughts of devils and blood and…

“…so it appears that Zariel betrayed our queen, your grace,” Irva concludes breathlessly. 

The man hums thoughtfully, pacing before the kneeling Irva with his retinue of zealots and advisors behind him. He is clad in the ornate purple garb of the order’s leaders, with a bejeweled ring upon each of his fingers flashing the colors of Tiamat herself — red, blue, green, black, and white.

“Minerva,” the Wearer of Purple tuts, just like how her father used to preface a scolding. “Child. Why are you afraid?”

Irva shifts uneasily. Truthfully, she wishes she could get back to her cloister and out of these filthy robes. She also wishes for a moment to herself so that she can curl up and weep for her father and sister, but strangely enough she’s not sure the tears would come at all. When it comes to them, she just feels… numb.

On top of that, she simply does not know this Wearer of Purple like the one that was leading the summoning ritual. From their limited interactions, this one actually made her rather uneasy with his lingering gazes and over-familiar touches. 

But he expects an answer, and as a lowly acolyte Irva is not in the position to deny him one. 

She bows her head deferentially. “I should not be alive, your grace.”

“On the contrary, it is most fortunate that you survived,” the man hums. “Your family is of excellent breeding. Your scales have come in beautifully,” he adds with a leer that makes Irva feel even more nauseous. “It’s a pity that your father and sister could not fulfill their dreams. The Church of Tiamat has been foiled before. But we do not give up. We must carry on Severin’s vision, for it is Her will. Without a doubt, there will be more opportunities to conduct this ritual in the future, and there will be more opportunities to redeem yourself. Would you like that?”

“Yes!” Irva blurts, looking eagerly up at him. “Yes! Please, your grace, I can prove that I’m—!”

“You can, and you shall,” the Wearer of Purple assures her indulgently. “She partook in the ritual, yes?”

It wasn’t a question for her. It is the healer who answers, “Yes, your grace. Her blood still burns hot with the Thayans’ magic.”

“Wonderful,” the Wearer of Purple smiles. “How long do we have?”

“It’s been nearly a full day. Normally the circle’s effects would fade within two more, but with the child’s tattoos, she should remain potent for another moon’s cycle…”

“Good, good. But while the magic is still fresh… we should not wait any longer,” the Wearer of Purple decides. “Child…”

He leans down to tilt Irva’s chin up. At first she thinks he’s trying to make eye contact, but then she uncomfortably realizes he must be examining her ceremonial tattoos up close. Her father said that they were Mulani tattoos, like her parents’ people in Unther.

…and also like the red-robed Thayans who were present at the ritual where she and the other Wyrmfodders received their ceremonial ink, and every ritual since leading all the way up to the disastrous one Irva just survived.

“Beautiful,” the Wearer of Purple murmurs, his fingers cold as they brush against Irva’s jaw. It takes everything in her not to flinch away. “Yes, child. It is a cursed day, but also a blessed one. You will have your glory, but first… follow me to the Hall of Heroes.”

Irva looks nervously around at the rest of his retinue before following the man. At the very least, he’s leading her into a hall she knows well. 

“Do you remember, child?” the Wearer of Purple asks wistfully. “You were small then, but I once carried you in my arms through these halls — back when your skin was soft and unadorned.”

Stomach churning, Irva wants nothing more than to turn around, but the hall — which was once a lava tube — is narrow, and his retinue is following close behind her. She has no choice but to reluctantly keep following their leader.

The Hall of Heroes is a chapel with a vaulted nave, the pillars of which were once the fossilized ribs of an ancient dragon. The church has since built the chapel around these enormous bones, filling it with shrines to Tiamat’s particularly dedicated followers. Lining the walls are magnificent statues — people of all races and eras, carved in exquisite detail upon their pedestals. Their poses range from demure and stoic to snarling in action. Irva sometimes played by herself in here during her father’s meetings with the Wearers of Purple. She would often fill the echoing hall with her chatter to these heroes, asking them questions she knew they would never answer. 

People used to say that Irva’s mother deserved a statue in this hall. Irva often wondered how she would be posed. Perhaps she’d be staring into the distance — a cleric in her prime, dignified with her sword in hand. Or perhaps they would portray her how Irva often remembered her — wrapped in a shawl, a soft smile upon her lips and flowers in her hair.

Irva remembers the Hall of Heroes as a haunting, yet comforting place. But today, all being there does is send waves of guilt into her heart. 

“Minerva,” the Wearer of Purple says. “Girl. Look at me?”

Irva does. 

His face isn’t unkind. But there is something strange about his expression…

Irva again fights the urge to jerk away as he closes his hands around her face, stroking the scales upon her cheeks. 

“Today, you are the most important of Tiamat’s beloved,” the Wearer of Purple murmurs. “And tomorrow…”

Irva feels a chill spread through her body. 

“…your blood will bring forth an age of dragons,” he breathes, his smile wide and eyes cold, just like her flesh….

Irva wrests herself out of his grasp but finds herself rooted in place. She ogles down at her left foot, which has turned ashen, cold, and hard —

— like stone. 

Oh dark lady…

…she’s petrifying. 

The statues. The heroes.

They’re all… petrified?

“N-no!” Irva stammers, before screaming, “STOP!”

She struggles to free her foot, but the petrification creeps up her shin now, and the more she struggles the deeper the chill sets in…

“Be not afraid, child. The Dracolisk’s Kiss is a blessing. It will be just like falling asleep. And when you wake, it will be when our brethren are better prepared to summon our queen,” the Wearer of Purple soothes her as he channels his magic. “Oh come now, stop this meaningless struggle! You’ll want to look dignified for the hall, won’t you? Smile! We could use more smiles.”

Irva snarls at him, and despite her exhaustion she feels all of her draconic magic boiling up inside of her along with her rage, her grief, her anguish…!

Her mother.

Her brothers.

Her heretic sister and the stolen children.

Father.

Delia...

"My lil' sister's got magic! She's a sorcerer!"

“Child? N-no! Minerva — NO—!”

She explodes with a firestorm, filling the hall with flames and immolating the Wearer of Purple and his zealots before they can flee. As she screams, flames roar from her mouth and hands, burning their corpses to ash. 

One of them is lucky — or not so lucky — to have red dragon lineage as well. She resists the flames to an extent, screaming. But by the time Irva finally exhausts herself, slumping in place, the zealot is silent and smoldering upon the ground. 

The damage has been done. 

Irva killed a Wearer of Purple and his entourage. 

She obliterated a handful of the petrified heroes to rubble. 

And her leg from the knee down is already stone. 

“No…” Irva moans, struggling in vain to free herself. Her voice escalates into a hysterical scream. “NO NO NO!”

She seeks out the Wearer of Purple — or, rather, the glowing embers of what remains of his skull. 

“Let me go!” Irva shrieks at him, hot tears spilling over her chilled cheeks. 

Surely… surely the petrification spell will wear off since it was interrupted?

But to Irva’s horror, she instead feels her knee lock into place. Before her eyes, the petrification continues its slow spread up her thigh. 

She shudders, having nothing more to say. 

And then she fills one hand with fire…

…while the other unsheathes the ceremonial dragontooth dagger from her hip. 

She has no more prayers left. 

No more time left. 

Just one word —

— ‘escape.’

[alexenglish]

hello & welcome back to user alexenglish, who has finally made enough of a writing comeback to partake in their favorite year-end tradition: the fic round-up. this year, I published a whopping 45k on AO3 with an addition 20k or so of unpublished writing lurking in my doc. three cheers for sweet creativity! & hoping the small momentum I’ve had in the 2022 year snowballs into this next with even more words ♡

AO3 ♡ writing tag

AO3 FIC

찰칵! Changbin/Jisung | E | 3,6k

On the phone screen, in the mirror, Jisung’s eyes flutter as he takes Changbin’s fingers in his mouth. Changbin always forgets how sensitive fingers can be; the way it makes him hot all over to feel Jisung’s slick tongue and the smooth ball of his piercing and his spit, gathering there to coat Changbin’s fingers.

“Fix your phone,” Changbin tells him. It’s tilting, slipping, and Changbin wants to see, wants to watch.

& let me kiss you Changbin/Jisung | T | CH1/2; 14,7k

And, really, it’s just a series of coincidences that manage to align perfectly in order to ruin Jisung’s life in a single moment.

He leans, and Changbin turns, hand catching on Jisung’s waist the moment he sways forward, and --

Jisung doesn’t doesn’t know why he does it -- because it’s a habit, because he’s an idiot -- but he puckers his lips like he would if there were a camera around, and he doesn't expect it -- it’s too late and he’s too hyper, too committed to the bit, far too slow for the way Changbin startles straight into Jisung’s face.

--

Jisung fucks around (kisses the bros) and finds out (how he feels about one of them in particular)

if you let me i might say too much Minho/Seungmin | T | 8,5k

Five years ago, during cherry blossom season, Minho sat with Seungmin on a bench and let him take pictures under the bloom before saying, "we want different things from life,” and breaking his heart. Seungmin sits next to her for the first time in nearly two thousand days and wonders if this is “different things;” if Minho saw this future and didn't imagine Seungmin in it.

one plus one equals one Jisung/Felix | T | 2,1k

Changbin shouts, “It’s midnight!” in his loudest voice possible.

“Happy birth -- How is he already here?!” Minho yells from across the gym, right as Felix grabs Jisung’s face with both hands and leans in and gives Jisung his birthday kiss.

the mouth of the sun Chan/Felix | E | 10,7k

Chris feels dizzy, swaying. His thumb swipes the ridge of Felix’s hipbone without permission; he only knows it happens because he’s watching it, watching where his pale hand spans over Felix’s tiny waist. He adjusts his grip, and looks at Felix’s face. “You don’t want me.”

“I do, I promise I do.” Felix’s tongue darts out, slides across his bottom lip. It’s so red, so wet. He probably tastes so sweet. Chris is going to go insane if he stays in this room. “I promise.”

You said you didn’t, Chris wants to remind him, but he doesn’t. Whatever the pollen is doing to Felix is already cruel enough, he doesn’t need to add his own shit to it. “Let me get Changbin for you,” Chris pleads, control slipping as desperation creeps into his voice. “Please.”

-- Flower pollen and a journey of truths.

SHORT PROMPTS

JohnTen + things you said that i wish you hadn’t

Yoonkook + things you said through your teeth

Minlix + things you said when you thought I was asleep

Binchan + things you said at the kitchen table

Changjun + things you said when you were scared

Namgi + “Like you, I was raised on the institution of dreaming. Hand on my heart. Hand on my stupid heart."

Binchan + “You ask me about love and I tell you about violence.”

Chanlix + “Kindness, kindness, kindness / I am praying for courage.”

Vmon + “A work of art works because it is true, not because it is real.”

Yuwin + “-- But I understand. There are limits to love.”

Binsung + “inhale -- try not to remember how desperate / you've been for touch -- yes ignore it -- that hitch of your heart."

PODFIC

What Married People Do Hoseok/Jungkook, E, 1hr43m

originally by clarz

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[oviids]

pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.*  - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul.  slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes*  - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

[hlcreators]

AUTHOR REC:  jacaranda_bloom / @jacaranda-bloom 

Be sure to show some love by leaving kudos and comments! 

Seven Simple Words (15k)

It’s not like he and Louis were a couple. No, they might have been a lot of things—best mates and colleagues with a seemingly convenient friends-with-benefits arrangement—but never a couple. It wasn’t Louis’ fault he didn’t feel the same way and couldn’t reciprocate Harry’s feelings in the way he’d wanted, the way he’d needed. Harry had allowed himself to get in too deep, his entire being aching to be loved back by the object of his affections. But in love, as in life, you don’t always get what you want.

OR the one where you don’t always get what you want the first time around, but sometimes the universe decides to give you a second chance at getting it right.

Feels So Right (8.8k)

The emcee leans in between them, handing over his mic to the blue-eyed vision. “You know what? Someday… Someday you guys might thank me for this...”

OR the one where Louis is Troy, Harry is Gabriella, and we find out what really happened after karaoke at that ski resort...

Wonderland (4.3k)

Louis has always loved lazy mornings in bed with his mate, but now that his Omega is carrying their pup, they’ve reached a whole new level of wonderment.

OR the one where Louis loves to worship his Omega’s body and Harry loves to let him.

The Baby Whisperer (18k)

Harry’s newborn baby is having trouble sleeping and nothing he does seems to work. Tired and alone and at his wits end, Harry is at a loss until a new neighbour arrives to turn his world upside down.

OR the one where being neighbourly takes on a whole new meaning.

Fuck U Betta (11k)

There’s something about having Louis like this, exposed and desperate, that makes a primal urge bubble up from deep inside Harry’s chest. Desire mixed with something else, something unquantifiable. It’s the thing that makes them want this, need this. Nothing else will satisfy them or quench their thirst.

OR the one where Harry likes the thrill of the chase, Louis likes to be chased, and everyone gets what they need… in the end.

Caves End (39k)

When a recurring injury cuts short Harry’s time as the Captain of the English Football Team, he needs to rethink his career and his future. His best mate and manager, Niall, decides that what Harry really needs is a change of scenery, time to relax, and to get some perspective on his life. What Harry doesn’t expect is for them to end up in Australia, on a farm, with the most gorgeous man he’s ever laid eyes on.

OR the one where Harry has lost his future, Louis has lost his past, but maybe together, they can find a way through the dark.

When Tomorrow Comes (11k)

When Louis and Niall are partnered up to complete a project on Omega scents and how they effect the nesting behaviours of Alphas, little does Louis know that the course of his life is about to be forever altered.

OR the one where Louis is an Omega who has been keeping himself pure for his Alpha, Harry is a traditional Alpha focusing on his studies while he waits to find his bondmate, and Niall is a sneaky bastard who keeps borrowing Louis’ clothes and never returning them.

You Drive Me WIld (5k)

Most people would think that keeping a tube of lube hidden behind the driver’s side visor of their car is foolish and completely unnecessary, but then most people don’t have to chauffeur Louis Tomlinson around for a living.

OR the one where Harry has a brilliant idea to while away the time as he waits around for his boss but fate decides to rain on his parade... or maybe it’s the universe answering his prayers.

No Going Back (56k)

Sales reps Harry and Louis are bored with their jobs and their lives. After meeting at a conference in Cardiff they hook up, have a few too many drinks, and jokingly apply to become remote lighthouse keepers. Six months, just the two of them, looking after the southernmost lighthouse off the bottom of Australia. It’s not like their applications will be accepted. Right?

This is the story of how one choice - a left instead of a right, a go instead of a stop, a yes instead of a no - can change the future forever and that sometimes, taking that leap of faith, is worth the risk.

Strong Enough (20k)

“So…” Liam starts, and Louis instantly knows where this is going. He’s actually glad it’s Liam that's dragging the subject out from the shadows and into the light. Louis turns to face him, mirroring his position on the couch and nods, ready for him to continue. Liam takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Harry recently?”

Five years after Vertigo goes on hiatus, the band comes back together for a benefit concert. Can Louis and Harry work through their complicated past, or are some wounds too deep to be healed?

Shine (13k)

“How does it feel?” Harry asks, genuine curiosity evident in his voice.

Louis lets his eyes drift closed and focuses on the sensations. “It’s like… like I’ve got hands all over me, touching me, inside and out, and…” Louis tries to zone in but it’s so hard to describe. “It’s like I’m being stimulated everywhere all at once.” As if on cue, his nipples and earlobes start tingling and he arches his back. “Oh fuck, yeah.”

OR the one where Louis has a thing for the sun and Harry is more than happy to indulge his sunshine boy.

If You’re Out There (I’ll Find You Somehow) (55k)

Harry looks so intensely into Louis’ eyes it’s as though he’s reaching in and touching his very soul. “I never thought… I never… I’ve been searching for so long, Louis, but I never gave up. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop trying,” Harry says, bottom lip trembling as he strokes the backs of Louis’ knuckles. “I just knew that if you were out there, I’d find you somehow.”

OR the story of how one man’s love changed the world.

Everything I Do (16k)

Harry’s ready, has been for a while now, and he’s fairly certain Louis is too, it just hasn’t been on the top of their priority list. There have been offhand mentions, a comment here and there, more in jest than anything, no serious discussion or consideration. Harry stands up straighter, a stomach-churning thought forming in his mind. Has Louis been waiting for him to ask?

OR the one where Harry finds a book of Elizabethan courtship rituals which sets in motion a series of events that can lead to only one conclusion.

Playing To Win (36k)

Big Brother UK alumni Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles are selected for the UK vs Australia All Stars series with a massive one million dollar prize in the offing. They’re both fit and smart and would make a great alliance... if only they can stop their feelings from getting in the way.

OR the one where Louis really doesn’t want to like Harry, Harry is struggling to quell his growing fondness for Louis, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t fight fate.

Exposed (666)

Louis should really stop agreeing to do favours for his friends while drunk, especially when they result in him becoming a live-art model…

Forever And Always (25k)

“Right,” Harry says and slaps his hands down on the kitchen benchtop. Now he just has to get home, find this poor Niall guy who is currently camped out in his body, and have them swapped back. What could possibly go wrong?

OR the one where Harry’s neighbour is a crotchety old witch who hates vampires, Niall is the unsuspecting human who ends up inhabiting Harry’s body, and Louis is the caseworker who is assigned to swap them back. How it ends up a love story is anyone’s guess.

Going My Way (20k)

"Hey Harry. Really sorry to do this to you but an emergency has come up with Vera’s mum and we’ve had to jump a flight home. My mate Louis is going to take over my LYFT clients while I’m away. He’s got my car and my phone and everything else. Hope that’s okay. He’s a good guy and I think you two are going to get along brilliantly. Catch you soon, Benny."

OR the one where Harry gets a replacement LYFT driver, Louis is just trying to earn some extra cash before the baby arrives, and they both end up with way more than they bargained for.

Up For It (18k)

Each year, the five friends take a lads holiday; it’s tradition, and this year is shaping up to be a jam-packed, fun-filled trip with their best mates just like all the rest... or is it?

OR the one where Liam is Mr Organised, Zayn is too perceptive for his own good, Niall is a compulsive matchmaker, and Harry and Louis might just have the surprise to shock them all.

With Words Unspoken (18k)

At forty-nine, Louis hadn’t envisioned being at a crossroads in his life; kids, grandkids, an ex-wife, and completely at a loss as to what direction his future will take. When he finds himself drawn back to a cabin in the Californian wilderness that’d he’d visited fifteen years earlier, an acquaintance from his past triggers an awakening deep inside and reveals a new path that he could never have imagined.

OR The one where Louis is lost, Harry is an excellent tour guide, and age is no barrier to finding the love of your life.

Henry and Lewis (4.3k)

PART 1 SUMMARY: Louis hangs out in his local coffee shop to work on his weekly WordPlay Prompt, speaks to his beloved muse aka Harry the gorgeous barista, embarrasses himself in front of said muse, and receives a comment on AO3 from his favourite reader.

SERIES SUMMARY: Every Tuesday, Louis spends his day off holed up in his favorite coffee-come-bookshop, writing his little stories as part of the WordPlay challenge while daydreaming about the resident barista, Harry. Each week a new word prompt is revealed and Louis adds to his series of short stories about Henry, the owner of a B&B in the Cotswolds who has curly hair and dimples, Lewis, his long term guest who just happens to be a writer, and Tigger, Henry’s cat.

As Louis and Harry’s friendship develops, could his fantasy world spill out into real life? And how does that reader who leaves the lovely comments with the teacup emoji seem to be able to read Louis’ mind?

Smuturdary (4.1k)

Louis struggles with this week's WordPlay prompt before finding inspiration, and a date, in an unexpected place, and could there be more going on with his favourite reader than he originally thought.

Tea For Two (4k)

Louis grapples with what to do about his new found suspicions over his favourite readers real-life identity.

Life Imitating Art (6.8k)

Louis is taken on a very real journey through his fic back catalogue - life has never imitated art so salaciously.

Entertain Me (5.3k)

All good things must come to an end, including the WordPlay challenge. But while Louis has mixed emotions about its end, and struggling to make sense of the final prompt, he is relishing every aspect of his newly revitalised personal life.

Play Me A Memory (26k)

Louis lives with his nine-year-old son Jake in a peaceful beachside community on the east coast of Australia, working as an entertainment coordinator at the local five-star resort. Harry is a recluse who lives on millionaires row and writes musical scores for blockbuster movies. When the roots of a wayward willow tree create havoc at his home, Harry is forced to stay at the resort while repairs are carried out.

Cue matchmaking storms, muffin preferences, laughter, love, and a whole lotta music.

The Cyber Sphere (17k)

As the author of The Cyber Sphere, a series of best-selling books which have spawned seemingly limitless spin-offs, Louis Tomlinson hides away from the world in his fortress-like London penthouse. But when he decides to interact with the host of The Cyber Times radio program, Dermot O’Leary, on Twitter, it causes a fandom meltdown and offers him hope for a future he’d never imagined.

OR the one where Liam likes to think he’s Batman, Dermot has terrible taste in sporting teams, and Louis should really get a cat.

Surprise Me, Space Boy (7.1k)

Louis is a solo officer on Space Station Zeta and the isolation can present many challenges, not least of which is that it’s really bloody hard to date. He’s pinning his hopes on that changing with a fellow solo officer, Harry, from a neigbouring station who gives great banter and has a gorgeous smile. Maybe online dating has its benefits after all?

OR The Space Wank Fic.

Harry Poppins (32k)

When Louis’ best friends pass away he finds himself with an instant family. Maddie and Thomas are wonderful children but take an immediate dislike to every nanny that sets foot inside their house. After nanny number six is summarily dismissed Louis is at his wit’s end, that is until an unusual man arrives on their doorstep. Harry Styles is like nothing any of them have ever encountered before, and perhaps, exactly what they’ve been looking for all along.

My One And Only (Desire) (500)

Harry is his, only his, and Louis belongs to Harry just as completely. They consume each other, in life, in love, in every way two people can.

Take Me Down Slow (Don’t Let Me Go) (26k)

Louis has always felt different. Not necessarily on the outer realm of societal norms, but pretty damn close to the edge. As an Omega, he’s supposed to want certain things; to want to raise a family, to want to build a life with a partner, and to want that partner to be an Alpha.

Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

OR the one where Louis wants to find the right kind of partner to love, Niall hates snowboarding, Liam wants to settle down, Harry is really good with his hands, and mother nature could be the thing that changes everything.

Soup Of The Day (19k)

It had been the single minded goal for them since college and seemed simple enough. 1. Study hard. 2. Open their dream restaurant. 3. Take the culinary world by storm.

What could possibly go wrong?

Or the Restaurant AU where Louis and Niall are chefs, Chicago is windy, and cracking the big time is harder than they ever imagined. But when a mysterious man starts grading Louis' soups by leaving little piles of rocks, could it be just the thing they need to get them on the road to success?

The Clock Strikes New Year (9.6k)

Louis senses people moving around behind him and cranes his neck left to right. The store is quiet, just staff and Louis and Harry, but all of the other salespeople appear to have gravitated to where they are to watch the little runway show Harry is putting on. He can’t blame them really, Harry is a sight to behold, but it makes him chuckle anyway.

“Okay, Lou, you ready for me?” Harry calls from the change room.

“As I’ll ever be, baby. Get out here!”

Harry comes into view and Louis’ breath catches in his throat.

OR Harry was homeless, but now he has Louis. Louis was lonely, but now he has Harry. And there’s more than one way to see fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

The Bet (2.4k)

Louis Tomlinson never reneges on a bet. Ever.

He may be many things - a joker, a sometimes-wayward student, a loyal friend, a Tony Award winner in the making, and a card-carrying member of the Chad Michael Murray fan club - but never, ever, a welcher. Louis makes good on his promises and does it with flare.

OR The one where Louis misjudges Harry's ability to do TLC's Waterfall rap and finds himself having to put on a one-man show for his viewing pleasure. If Louis decides to go all-in and dress the part, then that's just a bonus for his (very appreciative) one-man audience.

Heat (2.4k)

Louis was smitten from the moment Harry had arrived a month ago. Long, curly hair which he mostly keeps up in a bun, and a sinfully deep voice. Cheeky too. Louis likes that the best. He gives good banter and laughs at Louis’ dumb jokes, adding his own woeful puns. When Louis had asked him why he was in this godforsaken dust bowl, he’d said something about a ground crew traineeship and fulfilling his visa requirements while experiencing the real Australia. Louis had been momentarily distracted by Harry’s plush, red-bitten lips so the salient details may have washed over him.

OR Drinking beer in a blow-up pool, in a backyard, in stupidly hot temperatures, in outback Australia should be ridiculous, and it would be, if Louis didn't have a curly-haired workmate to keep him company.

Whisper The Wind (36k)

Louis’ father has political ambitions and decides it’s time for Louis to step up as the company’s Chief Financial Officer. Louis thinks this is a monumentally stupid idea. After storming off in a rage he has a chance meeting with a tall, dark, curly haired stranger. A technical glitch with their shared elevator finds Louis spending twenty minutes with the most intriguing man he’s ever met. Unfortunately the man is leaving London the very next day and moving to Australia to work at his mates surf school. Timing, as they say, can fuck right off.

Fast forward three years and Louis is miserable, a shadow of the man he once was, working in his father’s company, and hating every moment. At his thirtieth birthday party, surrounded by people he doesn’t know or doesn’t like, he decides to throw it all in and follow the impossible dream. Happiness, a fulfilling life, and someone to love. The question is, will that dream be found ten thousand miles away on a sandy beach, with a curly headed surfer dude?

Or the one where Louis rides an elevator that may change his life forever, Harry loves the ocean but is a terrible surfer, Liam proves not all heroes wear capes, and Niall might actually have all the answers.

The Clock Strikes Christmas (10k)

The clock ticks over to midnight and Niall strikes the match, lighting the candle and looking expectantly at Louis. “Time to make all your dreams come true. What’s your birthday wish Tommo?”

Louis stares into the flame and wonders. Closing his eyes, he thinks of cold winter nights curled up by the fire, driving along country roads holding hands across the console, laughter and warmth and a sense of belonging. An image creeps into his mind, blurry and shimmering. Curls, green eyes, milky white skin. Louis sucks in a deep breath, opens his eyes and blows.

The lights in the pub go out and the music stops, time seems to be teetering on the edge of something, like the crest of a roller coaster before the fall.

Then the pub surges back to life. “Sorry about that folks! Damn storm must be coming.” The bartender shouts out.

Niall is staring at him, mouth agape, before regaining his composure. “Must’ve been a helluva wish Tommo.”

Louis is a little stunned himself, but blinks out of it and laughs. “Yeah, must’ve been.”

OR the one where Louis needs someone to love, Harry needs a miracle, and sometimes, wishes really do come true

The Prince Of Light (35k)

Louis was found abandoned at a hospital at six months old and adopted by an older couple who raised him. Now twenty, he studies by night and by day works as a live-in au pair for a family with three little girls. One of the girls, Holly, swears there is a Garden Fairy coming and eating treats she leaves out in the cubby house each night.

When the family goes away for a two week holiday, Louis is secretly tasked with feeding the Fairy. While laying out the food one night he falls from the cubby house and is found by Harry. Harry is different and Louis is fascinated. But as Louis learns how different Harry really is, he discovers his own true home and a very surprising past he never knew.

Cue badgers, bananas and cookies, soulmates, a whole other world, and a future he’d never imagined.

Clouds On Curtis (9.6k)

A wave of comfort sweeps over Louis like a blanket as he allows himself a moment to imagine the possibilities. His past failures and disappointments feel like they are ebbing away, like shackles falling from his limbs. The burdens he's been bearing and the guilt he’s been carrying slipping away into the ground with each step he takes.

Harry reaches for the door and pauses, holding the handle he turns to face Louis.

“Are you ready for the adventure to begin?” Harry looks at him with hope in his eyes, dimple cratering in his left cheek.

“Absolutely, I’m all yours.” Louis says, wide smile breaking across his face, feeling the crinkles appear at the corners of his eyes.

In that moment he is sure of it. Surer than he's been about anything for years. This is exactly where he’s supposed to be. This is his second chance.

Or the one where Louis is a chef who is looking for a chance to start over, Harry’s restaurant needs the right chef to make his dream come to life, Niall is a cook who desperately wants to be a chef, and Liam just wants to be happy. Together, can they turn their dreams into reality?

[alexseanchai]

Fanfic 2020 in Review

I got tagged by @kasienda @noirshitsuji and @marvelousmsmol and I am tagging whoever wants to play!

1) List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:

*filters own works to complete and updated in 2020*

1 - 20 of 57 Works by AlexSeanchai

nope. *adds filter to include only works of at least 1000 words*

unless otherwise indicated, these are all Miraculous Ladybug:

“don’t bake it lying down”, post-reveal Marichat vs Felix Graham de Vanily

“veracity”, canon divergence from “Ladybug” featuring Mister Bug and Verity Queen (so also Marichat, I guess)

“(no request is too extreme, if) your heart is in your dream”, in which Hawkmoth wins, for the thirty seconds or so before Emilie saves Ladybug and Chat Noir’s lives

“tell me you love me and make me believe it”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire ropes Ladybug into helping plan her civilian self’s escape slash social transition

“kingmaker, oathbreaker”, in which Hawkmoth wins and Emilie watches her son remove himself from the family

“stay and let me watch you break it down” (Twelve Dancing Princesses), a modern setting

“set a course for winds of fortune”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire has already escaped and Gabriel and Nathalie are trying to bring Gabriel’s son home

“we ground love in a hopeless place”, in which post-reveal Marinette’s attempt to remain resolutely not in love with her partner dissolves like sugar in coffee when they start a pun war

“ring the bells that still can ring”, in which Alya is deeply confused about why Adrien and Marinette are planning a wedding when last night both were single

“burning wishes at both ends (the cold wind and long loud wail remix)”, in which Gabriel made a monkey’s paw wish and Emilie makes another

“words cannot espresso”, in which Marinette’s OC roommate is justifiably worried for Marinette’s safety, and meanwhile Adrien takes care of Marinette

“the compromise of truth” (the chronologically second-earliest part posted to date of nine lives, snake’s eyes), in which Adrien tells his friends how he won some freedom and respect from his father

“At The Present Time”, the Ladrien/Ladynoir marriage proposal follow-up to @art-deco-shrimp‘s  “Your Presents Required”

“j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”, in which the events of canon must just have been a series of dream sequences, Marinette and Adrien both think, until they both arrive at Chloe’s Halloween masquerade dressed as themselves from the dreams

2) Number of words written:

ahahaha no. I am not counting all my scattered fic drafts and trying to figure out what I did and didn’t write in 2020. I refuse.

AO3 says I posted 162K in 2020. it is counting all of keeps you guessing (like any real love), which (a) I started posting in 2019 (b) is co-written by @galahadwilder​; it is counting all of my meta snippets collection, much of which was written in 2019; it is counting the Vimeo passwords for my vids. but I probably cleared 150K by a safe margin.

3) Your most popular fic:

“veracity” has a four-digit kudos count, wow, when’d that happen? this is also the 2020 work with the most hits and the most bookmarks, but “tell me you love me” has four-thirds as many comments as its nearest competitor.

4) Your personal fav:

“cannot break us, not with a thousand swords”, no question about it. this is the one in which Ladybug proposes marriage to Chat Noir via Princess Bride meme on Tumblr. (if you intend to download the work or otherwise to consume it with creator style off, you want the accessible version instead of the primary version.)

5) Your fav scene:

aaaaaaaaa

—okay so this is cheating and I know it, since Uncertain Humors (the one where Marinette/Adrien is both Orpheus/Eurydice and Theseus/Ariadne) is nowhere near finished, never mind posted (maybe I'll get “Sanguine” done to post on my birthday?)

but it is still my favorite of the year. as you might guess from that description of the story, this scene has content notes for character death:

Hell is a maze. Marinette walks.

This acrid passage has little to see but damp stone, seeming blood-stained in the dim carmine light. At about the height of her heart, the faintly glowing thread cuts through the not-clammy air; it ought to be pulsing at the same rate as the heart it's bound to. She might be able to see her own reflection if she looked down at the open sewage pipe, or at one of the puddles that now and again she splashes through, dampening the canvas of her shoes. She might see reflected what's behind her.

She remembers Mme. Mendeleiev lecturing on human physiology. In healthy humans old enough to have learned how, urination is a voluntary action: one may not know which muscles one tenses and relaxes in order to do so, and probably isn't paying attention to those details when one is doing, but one has conscious control over whether one does. Usually. Stress and anxiety mean some people are unable to relax the relevant sphincter muscle and others are unable to stop themselves. It's voluntary for cats, too: it's one way they mark their territories. Cat-boys have other ways.

There is a moment in every human life when all one's muscles relax at once. Some Parisians have had several such moments.

The thread is braided with itself around her left fourth finger, rows of tiny red half-hitch knots, and falls loosely over the back of her hand to loop twice around her wrist. She holds it wrapped between the fingers of her right hand to keep it at a constant tension, as though knitting with this insubstantial thread, so fragile for something two (two dozen, two million) lives hang from—too thin to sew with, no thicker than one strand of his hair. As she walks, she winds it around and around and around her wrist.

Between her ring finger and her right hand, it loops twice.

Marinette's shoe lands in a puddle she didn't see. The rainwater splashes soundlessly onto her bare ankle and on the stone.

(With cat-like tread, upon our prey we steal— It's a very loud song.)

She walks on.

6) A fic or scene that challenged you:

where the firelight fades, no contest. this is the second story I’ve ever been able to stick with more than a couple hundred words past the 20K mark, but it’s easily the twentieth novel-length I’ve begun. (though also, you know that kedreeva post? well, 90K later, I’m less than 15K from completing this 10K fic! I think.) and I have been learning so much about long-form fiction.

there has also been a lot of weeping and tearing my hair. case in point: I just trashed the chapter 15 draft because I figured out the reason it wasn’t going anywhere! I can probably keep the first few hundred words of that draft without any editing, and another few hundred with some revision...

7) A line of writing you’re proud of:

from “j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”:

Everything about their partnership is fragments of sentences in the dream diary Adrien writes in ultraviolet pen. Disjointed flickers of thought even when examined under the black light he hides in the snack cabinet under packets of Super Yoyo sandwich cookies and bags of cheesy Monster Munch potato chips and boxes of petit écolier butter cookies (chocolat noir)—none of which explains the gym-socks smell. All fleeting incoherent flashes, invisible between the mundane lines of La Modification shelved at his bedside between Leroux and Dumas. None of it is solid. Adrien has more proof his room's haunted.

okay let me break this down for you!

* Adrien started a dream diary to make sense of the memories

* in invisible ink, in a book that (according to Wikipedia) is thematically appropriate and won’t (if Gabriel sees it) look like anything other than Adrien developing an interest in French literature

* shelved between Phantom of the Opera and The Three Musketeers

* look I didn’t come up with the name “black light”

* or “chocolat noir” for what English speakers call “dark chocolate”, or “petit écolier” (that is, “little schoolboy”) for that sort of butter cookie

* also not my fault that “chocolat noir” sounds remarkably like “Chat Noir”, which, attentive readers may have noticed, is not a name that appears in the story after the header and before Miraculous Cure

* I found the website of a store in Boston, Massachusetts that caters to French expats, and the yo-yo cookies and the monster chips were right there in the photos, y’all

* the snack stash and the black light live in the cabinet where, in canon, the Camembert lives; yes, that cheese smells in the real world like gym socks

* this story’s akuma was not able to affect anything but squishy human memory: nobody affected remembers anything about Ladybug or Chat Noir or Hawkmoth, not in any solid way, not even when they read news articles about the subject, and this includes Marinette and Adrien not being able to see or hear or remember their own kwamis—but you know what Adrien’s Insta post about his poltergeist and Adrien’s Insta post with the floating sock don’t show and don’t explicitly refer to?

* I love this paragraph so much (my housemates may have been lovingly mocking me over it)

8) A comment that touched you:

there are people (y’all know who you are) who said y’all are studying my style. I ded of blush.

9) Something that inspired your writing:

by volume of fic drafts that can be blamed on any particular person, the winner is probably @norakwami​

10) Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

so that longest-story-ever-written record I set in 2007 with the 89.5K story that, till where the firelight fades, was the only story I’d gotten much past 20K?

I broke that fucking record!

and then I deleted the draft of firelight chapter 15 😭

11) Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

I’m starting work on a fantasy novel, a Sleeping Beauty retelling in which I explore (among other things) the economic consequences of the king’s ordering all the spinning wheels burned, and I want to make significant progress on that. and I want to not make my hands any worse; I kind of need those!

(breaking news alert: bodies fucking suck. so does giving yourself repetitive stress injuries in doing one and a half to two people’s worth of work for an organization that was never ever going to pay you more than one person’s worth of pay.)

[ppangjae]

CUTS HEAL IN TIME | 01

Summary. Jung Jaehyun is the man every mother would want their daughter to have. He has everything you would ever want in a guy; a beautiful charm, a handsome face, a successful business, and an overflow of money. While Jaehyun has everything he needs, he can’t seem to get what he truly wants. And what he truly wants is a woman he’s been in love with for years. But she’s getting married to someone that’s not him. To make things worse, she’s even asked for his help in planning her wedding.

→ or, alternatively: Jung Jaehyun thinks the love of his life is his long lost childhood friend. But that’s only what he thinks.

Word Count. 9.5k+ words (someone please stop me)

Genre. fluff, angst, light smut (in the last part!) + ceo!jaehyun and long lost childhood friend!au (this addition was last minute, in case you were wondering)

author’s note. i’m happy that the first part is out! since the whole one shot is roughly 20k words, i decided to split it into two parts. this will sort of benefit mobile readers. the second (and final) part will be posted soon, i just need to make final touches and edits before it’s good to go. and before this author’s note gets longer than it should, i highly suggest listening to Cuts Heal in Time by Mac Ayres while reading this!

part 01 | part 02 (coming soon!)

When people meet Jaehyun for the first time, he gets one of four common questions:

How does it feel to be one of the top CEOs in South Korea?

How does it feel to be a billionaire architect in the making? 

Are you single? I know someone you might be interested in!

When are you planning on settling down? Are you planning on getting married soon?

Jaehyun is all about first impressions. In fact, because of his luxurious life, people’s first impressions of him are already made up. He’s one of the top CEOs in the country, a billionaire architect in the making, and a good-looking bachelor. But all of this is a product of his hard work. He has been running the family business ever since his father retired. His business is only going up from here. Having everything he needs is an understatement. He has more than what he needs.

But he can’t get what he wants. He wants to fill up the empty spot in his heart. Sure, he’s a good-looking bachelor, but that’s because he can’t bring himself to pursue the woman he’s been in love with for half of his life. What he was is her, and once he has her, his life is considered complete. But that doesn’t happen overnight, and that doesn’t happen as easily as he thinks.

After all, you can’t have everything you want.

BREAKING NEWS: Song Misun of Song Associates is engaged to Kim Junhwa of Kim Garments.

Jaehyun grabs the remote and immediately turns the widescreen TV off. He couldn’t bear listening to the news anchor’s voice rambling on and on about the engagement. But even with the TV shut off, he can still hear the words engagement and Song Misun echoing and chanting in his head like a mantra. But in an instant, the voices in his head are cut off by a soft, gentle voice.

“Mr. Jung, would you like a cup of coffee?”

As he turns around and tosses the remote onto his desk, he spots you, his personal secretary, standing at the door. You wait patiently for his answer while hugging the daily planner to your chest. He purses his lips into a tight line and his eyebrows start to knit together. You internally sigh, making note of how your boss is definitely not in a good mood today. 

“Maybe a cup of coffee will help,” he replies after some thought and takes a seat at his desk. 

You muster up a smile because it’s all you could do. “I’ll be right back with your coffee then, sir.”

As you walk through the HR department, you stop in front of one of the cubicles. You lean against the frame of the cubicle to see Johnny typing away on his computer. Stuck around the perimeter of his computer screen are a collection of polaroid pictures of him and his younger brother Mark, both of you sipping cups of coffee at cafes, and candid photos you took of him. 

A warm smile appears on your face. Clearing your throat to catch his attention, he stops typing to crack his knuckles and turns around to face you. 

“Nice to see you on this lovely morning,” he greets you while wiggling his eyebrows. He nods his head at the door to Mr. Jung’s office. “Is he in a good mood today?”

You sigh sadly while shaking your head. “I don’t think so. He might ask me to work overtime, so I might have to cancel our plans tonight. The whole merge with the Park’s is making me busier than usual.”

“Yeah, I could tell. I might have to cancel too. A new intern is coming this afternoon and I have to train him. God knows how long that will take.” He groans and rubs at his temples as if it’ll make his stress disappear. “By the way, any updates on that childhood friend you’re looking for?”

Childhood friend. A warm smile unknowingly spreads across your lips. Johnny stares at you as your face lights up at the mention of a special person whom you know nothing about. It is what it is. A childhood friend. This childhood friend remains a part of your childhood memories, but with a sudden move to the city, the little boy in your childhood pictures remain nothing but a childhood memory. However, after a heart-wrenching breakup that left you hopeless, you decided to find him, your childhood friend.

“No updates so far. I’m not quite sure where to start. All I have of him are childhood pictures.” You reply as a frown begins to settle on your face. Johnny pouts cutely and your frown is replaced with a small smile. “But I’ll find him somehow.”

He smiles, “I’m sure you’ll find him somehow. He might be closer than you think.”

“I hope so.” You mumble. “Anyways, do you want me to make you a cup of coffee? I’m heading to the lounge to make Mr. Jung one too.”

“Yes, please, I need it.” He slaps at his cheeks to wake himself up. You chuckle at the cute gesture, reaching out to ruffle his hair before heading towards the lounge room. 

As you head to the lounge room, you can’t help but notice the new set of plaques hung up on the wall. Hung up on the wall were awards won by your boss, Mr. Jung. You can’t help but think about how your mother would be more than thrilled if she found out that the man you’re dating so happens to be Mr. Jung Jaehyun. In fact, Jung Jaehyun is the man every mother would want for their daughter.

It would be a lie of you to say that you don’t admire or have some sort of liking towards your boss. Mr. Jung has an indescribable charm, and intimidating yet mysterious aura that instantly draws anyone in. There’s no denying that you find him very appealing to the eye, and you often think that the heavens took a lot of time to create his handsome face.

But you can only dream on. Jung Jaehyun, your boss, the man who’s helping you pay off your student debt, the man helping you pay your rent, is way out of your league.

The lounge room is filled with a couple of employees and interns. As you enter the lounge room, everyone looks at you for a brief moment before bringing their attention back to their own conversations. You quickly brew two fresh cups of coffee, putting in some sugar and creamer in each cup. Stirring the hot drinks with a teaspoon, you hear a couple of gasps and chatter in the room. There are two employees seated on the couch in front of the TV, whispering to each other. You look at them with curiosity, following their gaze towards the TV screen. You read the large headline displayed on the news channel.

A soft gasp escapes your lips and the teaspoon in your hand clatters to the floor.

Soon enough, news about Song Misun’s engagement spread throughout the whole company building like a wildfire. Song Misun is the lucky woman who could potentially fill up the void in Jung Jaehyun’s heart. Her and Jung Jaehyun go way back, for they were childhood friends. Jung Jaehyun is known to be hopelessly in love with her, heck, he’s been in love with her for the longest time. The only problem is that he never got around to pursuing her due to his hectic business. It was also rumoured that Song Misun had returned some sort of feelings for him, but never acted on it either. And so when Song Misun’s engagement news appeared on TV, people showed nothing but mixed emotions after realizing that the man she’s engaged to isn’t Jung Jaehyun.

“Do you mind going over today’s plans?”

You open your daily planner and flip to today’s date, eyes squinting at the written schedule. Mr. Jung is busy catching up and replying to emails from business partners. You look up at him and he stops typing to glance at you.

“You have an appointment with a client at one, followed by a shareholders meeting with Kim Doyoung of Kim Architects and Co. at two-thirty.” You explain. “As for your business trip to Greece, I already booked your plane ticket. I’ll forward the confirmation email and itinerary to you when I get back to my office.”

“Did you manage to get yourself a plane ticket as well?” He asks and you nod your head.

“I called the dry cleaners this morning and your suit won’t be ready for pickup until Thursday.” You add.

“Great.” He nods, leaning back against his chair and letting out a tiring sigh. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Y/N.”

You smile. “I think you’ll do just fine without me, sir. You already built up a successful business for yourself. My help is nothing compared to the success of the company.”

“We’re glad to have you.” He reassures you. “Anyways, I’ll let you get back to work. With the business merger, it’s only going to get busier from here.”

“Alright, sir.” You gather your things. “Just page me if you need anything.”

As you’re heading towards the door, you hear Mr. Jung call out your name. You slowly turn back around, looking at him questioningly. He looks quite hesitant.

“Yes, sir?”

“Has anyone seen the news lately? Have you seen the news lately?”

“What do you mean, sir?” You ask, acting oblivious and innocent. He scratches the back of his neck.

“Song Misun just got engaged—” His sentence is cut short by a knock at the door. You look over your shoulder to see one of the lobby receptionists, Luna, standing at the door. “Luna-ssi, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Song Misun is here to see you.” She announces while nervously fiddling with her fingers. You glance at Mr. Jung and you could see his face turn pale. You and Luna share a knowing look. 

“You can let her in.” Jaehyun insists and gulps nervously. 

As you both step out of his office, you notice a woman sitting right outside of his office. She has a pair of black shades covering almost half of her face. She’s wearing bold, red lipstick and a black fitted dress. You knew that she’d look blindingly beautiful once she took her sunglasses off. 

“Mr. Jung is ready to see you, Ms. Song.” Luna tells the woman and your eyes slightly widen. She takes off her shades and you almost choke on air.

You were right. She looks stunningly beautiful. Her beauty is foreign and incomparable. She has a nice set of eyes that formed into crescents. She had strong structures and her lips are plump and soft. This is the first time you’ve seen Song Misun in person and the elegance and beauty she has makes you feel insecure. This is the woman that Mr. Jung is in love with?

As she’s thanking Luna and heading inside Mr. Jung’s office, Luna calls out for her one last time. She looks over her shoulder and quirks an eyebrow.

“C-Congratulations on your engagement, Ms. Song.”

Two years ago…

“How long have you been seeing her?”

He looks at you from across the table. You fold your arms and try to resist chucking your hot, steaming cup of coffee at his face. Your bloodshot red eyes are enough to show how much wrath and anger you have within you. The woman that the love of your life has been seeing remains unknown, and although you want to find out who she is, you’re not sure if you have the strength to do it. He doesn’t even want to reveal who she is and it makes you sick.

He cheated on you. 

“For a while now,” he replies.

“Are you in love with her?” You whisper. He winces and looks away from you. At that moment, you knew that he was a goner. You lost him, the man that once fell in love with you and the man that you’re in love with. You scoff. “Kim Junhwa, I’m asking you a simple question. Are you in love with her?”

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he gathers his things in silence. You watch him, your eyes tearing up. You bite your lip to stop yourself from crying. You’re tired of crying. You’ve been crying for three days straight. And it’s all because of him and the woman who replaced you.

“Are you in love with her?” You ask again, your voice cracking, hoping that he might answer this time. “Just tell me, Junhwa, to spare me the pain. It’s the least you could do.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” 

You watched him get up and leave. You promised yourself not to let him see you cry, and you never break your promise. Once he’s out of sight, you start to break down, soft sobs escaping your quivering lips. Slowly looking out the window, you see him start his car and drive off. 

You made another promise to yourself that day. You promised yourself that you weren’t going to let another man hurt you like this.

“I want you to help me plan my wedding.”

It takes a while for her words to sink in. But as he’s letting himself comprehend the words she had just said, he’s taking a quick sip of coffee. When her words finally occur to him, he immediately chokes on his coffee. She looks at him alarmingly, eyes widening like saucers. He waves it off, trying to catch his breath. 

“You want me to help—help you— plan—plan your wedding?” He repeats, coughing in between words.

When he finally catches his breath, she replies with a slight nod of her head. He places his palms against his desk and lets out an airy chuckle. She wants him to help plan her wedding? Oh how he wishes it was their wedding. He slowly looks up at her only to find her already looking back at him, awaiting his answer. 

“You do know that you’re only asking for trouble, right?” He smiles with his dimples flashing.

She folds her arms, walking around his office. The sound of her heels clicking against the floor echo throughout his office. She finally stands about one metre away, looking out the window. The large window in Jaehyun’s office overlooks the whole city of Seoul. She glances at him.

“You’re my best friend,” she shrugs her shoulders. “It would be great to have my best friend help me plan my wedding. Besides, I need a second opinion with everything. I want my wedding to be perfect, don’t you want that too?”

He turns around and joins her in watching the hustle and bustle of the city. He finds himself sneaking a look at Misun, and when he does, he grows devastated. It’s official. She’s the one that got away. She’s the best thing he’s never had. She’s the love of his life… and she’s getting married to someone else. 

He tears his gaze away from her.

“I’ll help you plan your wedding. I only want the best for you.”

“You guys looked really close.”

Johnny takes the photo from your fingertips to take a closer look. You briefly look at him before taking a quick sip of your coffee. Setting your drink down, you look at the photo with Johnny. It’s a childhood photo of you and a little boy your age. There are only remnants of this little boy planted in your mind. You remember him living a couple of blocks away from your house. You remember him being your classmate in senior-kindergarten class up until the third grade. You remember forming some sort of bond with the boy. That bond was cut short when your family decided to move to the city. 

And so all you have left that reminds you of the little boy are your childhood photos with him. 

“We were very close,” a faint smile spreads across your lips. “If only I got his email address or a phone number before I moved, I would’ve kept in touch.”

“Do you remember his name at least?” 

You tear your gaze away from Johnny to look at the photo. The faint smile that spread across your lips grows wider. The childhood photo shows you sitting on a swing at the park with the little boy standing behind you, pushing you on the swing. Surrounded around the swingset is an abundance of purple bellflowers. Your eyes squint to see a bracelet on the little boy’s wrist. It’s a silver chain bracelet with a Y charm on it.

“His name is Jung Yoonoh.”

An adorable girl sitting on a swing with a chubby-cheeked boy pushing her from behind. Jaehyun stares at the childhood photo and smiles. It’s a picture of him and Misun when they were four. His eyes trail down towards the necklace worn on her neck. It’s a necklace with the letter M on it. There are a lot of questions that fill Jaehyun’s mind. Did Misun fall in love with someone else because he was too late? Did Misun give up waiting for him? What did Kim Junhwa have that he didn’t? Is it still too late? Why did she—

“Sir?”

He snaps out of his thoughts. You’re standing at the door with his grey tuxedo carefully thrown over your arm. As he stands up, he places the picture of him and Misun into one of the drawers. He heads towards you and gently grabs the suit from you.

“Thanks for picking it up,” he smiles as he hangs up the suit on one of his racks. He dusts off his hands and turns around to face you. “I’m glad you came in early because I have an important and private matter to talk to you about.”

You nod your head, turning around to shut the door behind you. You make yourself comfortable on one of the chairs in front of Mr. Jung’s desk. He clasps his hands together.

“I’m sure you saw Misun come to the office yesterday,” you nod for him to continue. “She had asked me to help plan her wedding.”

“Oh,” you mumble, eyes wide. “But sir, we’re already busy with the merge—”

“Yes, we are, which brings me to my next point.” He says and your hands grip tightly onto your daily planner. “I need you to be with me at all times. There may be last minute meetings, important phone calls, anything, and it’ll be difficult for you to get a hold of me if you aren’t with me. Is that fine with you?”

You nod your head. “It’s fine with me, sir. Do you mind giving me the breakdown of the plans you’ve made with Ms. Song to put in my daily planner?”

He gestures for you to open your planner. As you place the planner onto his desk, he looks at you for permission to go through it. You gently push it towards him and he grabs a pen from one of the pen holders and starts scribbling things in the planner. You sit there awkwardly, looking around his office in silence. Sounds of his pen moving against the paper fill throughout the office. 

“I’ve written everything down,” he mumbles, closing the planner and handing it back to you. “But I’ll give you a breakdown right now just to keep everything in check.”

“Alright, sir.”

“For the next week, we’ll be making trips to the flower shop to pick flowers for bouquets and decorations. The location of the flower shop is near the building, so I see no problems with cancelling meetings that week.” He explains. “After that, we’ll be spending a week and a half cake tasting.”

“Is the bakery far from the company building?”

“We have to take the highway to get to the bakery,” he replies. “I suggest looking at the meetings booked during that week and if time doesn’t permit or coincide, then I give you my permission to cancel them and rebook them for a different day.”

“Got it.” You nod your head, noting it down in your planner.

“After cake tasting, we will spend two weeks picking a wedding dress.” He explains. “The dress fitting and selection will be happening at Misun’s house which isn’t far from the company building, so anything planned that week should be good to go.”

“Alright, sir.” 

“And last but not the least, we will spend three to four weeks searching and picking a venue for the wedding and reception.” He finishes it off. “The venue locations may vary in terms of distance, so I will locate the venues in advance and let you know how far they are. At your own discretion, I expect you to rebook meetings on a day where the venue is a bit far from the company building.”

“Understood, sir.” You flash him a smile. 

“Luckily enough, the business trip to Greece happens right after the venue searching.” He adds. “Do you have any questions or concerns?

You look through the notes you’ve written in your planner and your focus seems to settle on Mr. Jung’s writing. It’s quite neat, you note, before looking back at him. You shake your head in reply.

“None so far, sir.” He clasps his hands together.

“Great. Go grab your things and get ready. We have a flower shop to go to.”

Song Misun does not have a knack for flowers. You let out a sigh for the nth time as you follow your boss around, who follows Misun. The three of you have been staring and sniffing flowers for God knows how long. Luckily enough, there weren’t any meetings or phone calls booked for the day. Unfortunately, this day was supposed to be a day where Mr. Jung can catch up on his sketches and blueprints. Mr. Jung seems to notice that flower picking is taking longer than it should because he gives you a brief glance.

“Misun-ssi, is there a specific type of flower that you like so far?” The florist asks, and you can’t help but hide a smile that’s creeping across your lips. The florist looks at her wrist watch for the third time, growing impatient and tired.

“I’m quite enamoured by those purple flowers… What were they called again?” She asks, dumbfounded. You couldn’t believe it. Misun had dragged you and your boss to the flower shop to pick flowers for her wedding, and after making several rounds in the shop, she still hasn’t made up her mind. 

“We have about ten different types of purple flowers, Misun-ssi…” The florist trails off. “Which one did you like?”

Misun’s eyes wander throughout the flower shop, scanning for the particular purple flower that she had taken an interest in. Mr. Jung glances at you with a knowing look and you slightly shrug your shoulders. You follow Misun’s gaze that falls upon one of the flowers. You could tell it was probably her favourite because her stare lingered on it longer than the rest.

“I really love how those flowers look—”

“Bellflowers?” You and Mr. Jung blurt out in unison, before looking at each other with slight surprise.

“Right!” Misun exclaims. “Yes, it was the bellflower!”

The florist holds in a sigh of relief. “Did you want to settle with the bellflowers or do you want to keep looking?”

“I’ll take the bellflowers,” Misun replies, glancing at Mr. Jung. “What do you think, Jae?”

Jae. You try to stop yourself from smiling at the cute nickname. As you look at your boss, you can’t help but notice how red his ears had gotten. He scratches the back of his neck. 

“You know I have a special connection with bellflowers.” He smiles.

Jaehyun has always had a special connection with bellflowers. Whenever he saw bellflowers, it’s almost as if it takes him back to his childhood days to when he met Misun. They would always race through the neighbourhood to their favourite spot; the swings at the park. Whoever reached the swingset last is forced to push the winner on the swing. He cherishes those memories the most. But those bellflowers… those bellflowers remind him of her. They remind him of the moment where he realized that Misun is someone very special to him.

You know that look on Mr. Jung’s face. They mean one thing and one thing only; love. He really is in love with her. The look on his face makes your heart ache for him. It sort of reminds you of yourself. It reminds you of the time when your ex-lover was in love with someone else. You know that look so well. While you were busy being in love with your ex-lover, he was busy falling out of love with you. You were in love with someone who was falling in love with someone else.

You wish your boss will fall in love with someone who will love him back, because that’s all you could ever do for him; wish.

“How romantic,” the florist muses. “Both of you suit each other very well. I can tell that your husband is very much in love with you.”

It catches him off guard. He snaps out of his thoughts and starts vigorously shaking his head. The florist looks at the two in confusion. You, on the other hand, stand there awkwardly, pondering on whether you should pretend that you didn’t hear what the florist had just said or make an immediate effort to correct her. 

“I think you got it wrong, miss.” Misun chuckles sheepishly while waving it off. “He’s not my fiance.”

The florist looks at her in pure horror. Jaehyun bites back a smile but he can’t seem to stop noticing how his heart is breaking at the same time. 

“I’m so sorry!” The florist blurts out. “I had no idea.”

Misun waves it off. “It’s fine. We often get mistaken as a couple, don’t we, Jae?”

All of the attention is directed towards Jaehyun. He looks at the florist, then towards you, and finally towards Misun. Misun bats her eyelashes innocently and he clears his throat. 

“Y-Yes, we do. We do often get mistaken as a couple.”

You wince and your heart aches for the young man.

Two and a half years ago…

You look at the two necklaces in confusion. Both of the necklaces looked identical. Wrapped around your neck is your necklace with the first letter of your mother’s name, an M. On your right hand, is a similar necklace with the letter M. Nothing but suspicion crosses your mind.

You look over your shoulder to see your boyfriend, Junhwa, fast asleep on the bed. He had come home reeking of alcohol and an unidentified perfume. It definitely wasn’t your perfume. Comparing both necklaces one last time, you gently place the similar necklace back into the pocket of your boyfriend’s jacket before he wakes up.

Cake tasting. In your opinion, the best part about planning a wedding is choosing a wedding cake. You say this with your whole chest. There’s nothing more exciting than having a table set up with several slices of different cakes waiting for you to taste. As you, your boss, and Song Misun enter the bakery, you are greeted by the baker slash owner of the shop. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim!” The owner exclaims and you try to stop yourself from facepalming for the second time. The two close friends look at each other sheepishly before quickly correcting the owner. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought your fiance was coming along as per our conversation this morning—”

“My fiance got caught up with work so he wasn’t able to come.” Misun explains. It is only then that it occurred to you; where was her fiance and why isn’t he making an effort to plan their wedding? But it wasn’t any of your business. 

“That’s unfortunate.”

“It’s fine.” Misun says, grimacing. She musters up a smile. “Shall we get to the cake tasting?”

There is an array of cakes set up on the table. Jaehyun pulls out a chair for Misun before pulling out a chair for you. The owner looks at Jaehyun with pity, almost as if she knew what he was going through. You and the owner share a brief look before taking a seat across the other two.

“As per our phone call conversation, I prepared three types of red velvet cakes. They all taste the same, but I want your input on how you want them decorated.” The owner explains, pointing at each of the cakes. 

While the three of them are conversing, you decide to flip through your daily planner. There are a couple of meetings scheduled later on in the day. You had rescheduled the meetings in advance since you were aware of the long drive to the bakery shop. As you’re looking at the meetings scheduled in the next few days, you could hear your name being called out by Misun.

You look up at her. “Yes, Ms. Song?”

“What’s your favourite cake?” She asks, resting her chin on the palm of her hand. 

Everyone looks at you and you suddenly feel overwhelmed. You close your daily planner and look at the cakes sitting right in front of you. Your eyes scan them before stopping at your favourite. 

“I really like the black forest cake.” You reply, eyeing the black forest cake on the other end of the table.  “It’s very rich and has a distinct flavour. I personally think the chocolate goes perfectly with the cherries. It also looks very elegant.”

“You have a great taste in cakes, young lady.” The owner smiles. 

“Well, actually, it reminds me of a friend I had before I moved to the city.” You say, reminiscing about your childhood years. “He really liked strawberry shortcakes. I remember having a black forest cake for my birthday and it was his first time trying it… and to my surprise, he hated it.”

“That’s cute.” Misun mumbles, glancing at Jaehyun. “What’s your favourite cake, Jae?”

Jaehyun’s in the middle of eating a bite of the red velvet cake when the attention is shifted towards him. He smiles sheepishly while quickly eating the cake. 

“Coincidentally, my favourite cake is the strawberry shortcake.”

Song Misun’s house is somewhat similar to your dream house. Mr. Jung’s car stolls up at her driveway and you can’t help but look at her house in awe. Her mansion is securely blocked with a huge fence guarded by two muscular security guards. The guards seem to know who your boss is for they open the gate for you right when you hop out of the car. Standing at the door is Misun, clothed in a silk robe. 

“Hurry on in, this will take the whole afternoon!”

She’s so rich that it’s ridiculous, you think to yourself. In each room, there’s at least two chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Leather couches, wooden furniture, walk-in closets, a walk-in pantry, expensive fridges and toasters, everything in her house screamed rich. 

Mr. Jung sits beside you on one of the couches and places a freshly made cup of coffee onto the coffee table. The tailors and the designer arrived before you and are already prepping the first wedding dress. 

“Is Junhwa here?” Mr. Jung asks and Misun frowns.

“He’s busy with work. Also, isn’t there a superstition where you will have bad luck if the groom sees the bride in the wedding dress before the actual wedding?” Misun replies.

Your boss doesn’t seem to believe it and looks at you to confirm. You look back at him and shrug your shoulders. He purses his lips into a tight line and reaches out to grab his cup of coffee. A silver glint catches your eye. You look at your boss’ wrist, seeing a silver chain bracelet. Your eyebrows knit in confusion and your eyes squint to take a closer look. It looks oddly familiar—

“Here’s the first dress!”

You look up to see Misun standing at the doorway with a wedding dress on. It’s a fitted wedding dress, showing off her curves. From the corner of your eye, you can see your boss’ lips slightly part in shock. You smile. Your boss’ feelings for the engaged woman are incredibly obvious, but you have no idea why the both of them can’t see it. 

“What do you think?” Misun asks.

“You look great in that dress, Misun.” He replies. “But I think you should try on the other dresses before you make a final decision.”

“How about you, Y/N? What do you think?” She questions you and your eyebrows raise.

“You look beautiful, Ms. Song.” You smile. “But I also agree with Mr. Jung. You should maybe try on the other dresses before making a final decision.”

“You’re right.” Misun nods her head before excusing herself to try on the next dress.

As she leaves the living room to try on the other dress, you could hear Mr. Jung let out a breath that he’s been holding in for God knows how long. You bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing.

“Am I too obvious?”

You raise an eyebrow, looking at him. He’s already looking back at you. “What do you mean, sir?”

“I know you can see it, Y/N.” He says softly. You scratch the back of your neck, nodding your head to confirm his assumption. He sighs. “Am I too obvious?”

“Sort of, sir.” You mumble. “It’s pretty obvious that you’re in love with her.”

“Really?”

You giggle. “Really.”

“What should I do to make it not obvious?” He asks.

“You should probably stop making heart eyes whenever you see her, sir.” You suggest and he nods his head, taking your advice into consideration. “You should also stop caring for her a bit too much, sir.”

“Yeah, you’re definitely right—”

“Dress number two!” Misun cuts your conversation short and both of you snap your heads towards her. 

She has a long dress on. It’s a strapless dress with a corset hugging her upper body before flowing out into a beautiful puffy skirt. You’re completely speechless. Anything that Misun puts on looks great on her, and you could definitely see why she asked Mr. Jung to help her decide. If she couldn’t make the decision, she wanted someone else to make up their mind for her. 

“What do you think?”

“I think you are the one—no—I think you—I think this is the one.” Your boss replies almost instantly and you slightly fake a cough. He glances at you and you look up at him with wide eyes. He’s making it too obvious. “I mean, I look good with you—no—it looks good on you—”

“The dress looks beautiful and perfect on you, Ms. Song.” You add, just to lighten the situation.

“Really?” Misun says with a wide smile spreading across her lips. 

Both of you nod your heads. “Really.”

“Alright. I’ll take this dress, then. I’ll go and get this dress tailored! But please stay and wait for me, I want to treat you guys out for dinner!” Misun exclaims before scurrying off into one of the rooms.

Once she’s out of sight, you sigh with relief. Mr. Jung looks at you with a nervous smile.

“I owe you one.”

Prepared in front of you is a barbeque grill filled with assorted meat and vegetables. You glance at your boss, who gestures for you to start digging in. You look at Misun for approval and she flashes you a smile. The three of you dig into your food, grabbing whatever is cooked and placing it onto your plates. 

“I just wanted to thank you both for helping me plan my wedding.” Misun says. “Wedding planning is really difficult and with our busy lives, I appreciate the time you’ve taken off just for this.”

“It’s no problem, Misun.” Mr. Jung smiles. 

“My fiance will be joining us for dinner, I hope you don’t mind.” Misun announces. “He’ll be arriving in a couple of minutes.”

“I don’t mind.” Mr. Jung shrugs his shoulders.

You glance at Misun who’s waiting for your reply. “I don’t mind either, Ms. Song.”

“Great! Let’s eat!” She exclaims.

The three of you are busy eating to even bother opening up a conversation. It’s been a tiring and busy day. There were a couple of business meetings in the morning before you and your boss were scurrying to get to Misun’s house. Luckily enough, the dress picking and fitting didn’t take too long. However, you’re not sure if choosing a venue will be easier than you think. 

“Sorry I’m late.”

A familiar voice makes you freeze in your seat. You slowly trail your eyes up and meet a familiar pair. You could feel your heart drop. He looks back at you with nothing but utter shock. It was clear that both of you did not expect to see each other, especially in this setting.

“Junhwa, baby, you’re finally here! Come take a seat, I already placed food on your plate. You’re probably really hungry.”

Kim Junhwa. The man you were hopelessly in love with. The man who made you feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world. The man who made your heart skip a beat too many. The man who loved you. The man who fell out of love with you. The man who cheated on you. 

Your eyes tear up and you blink them away immediately. You clear your throat, tearing your gaze away from him and looking down at your plate with food. You grip tightly onto your cutlery utensils as if it would help you try to not make things obvious.

“I didn’t know that you brought two friends along with you.” He chuckles uneasily. You can feel him burning two holes through your forehead. “I’m assuming that you’re Jung Jaehyun, right?”

Your boss smiles and shakes his head. Both of them are looking at each other with such intensity. Jaehyun, on the other hand, notices how tense you’ve gotten ever since Misun’s fiance had arrived. He looks at you to check up on you and you look up at him, mustering up a smile.

“And you are?” You shift your gaze towards your ex-lover, who’s looking at you questioningly.

You try to bite back a scoff. Did he really want to pretend and act like he has never met you before? Unbelievable. Your eyes stare at his extended hand, and you look back up at him.

“Y/N.” You reply weakly, shaking his hand. “You look oddly familiar.”

“Do I?” He asks. He looks like he’s panicking on the inside.

“You do. But it was probably just a fleeting moment.” You shrug your shoulders. “Congratulations on your engagement.”

“T-Thanks.” He stutters and the four of you decide to dig into your food.

Jaehyun looks at the couple with jealousy. Both of them suit each other very well. He could feel himself getting sick and nauseous because they look perfect together. He can finally see where he’s lacking, what he’s missing, and what made Misun choose Junhwa over him. He was starting to feel insecure. But at the same time, he was starting to blame himself. If he weren’t too late, if he just confessed… maybe things would have turned out different.

“Are the both of you dating?” Junhwa asks.

“No. He’s my boss.” You answer. 

“Ah, I see.” He nods his head. He looks at Misun. “Baby, your hair is too long, it’s getting on your food. Let me tie your hair back.”

As Junhwa is pulling her hair back to put it up into a pony-tail, another silver glint catches your eye. You look at Misun, and you notice a necklace wrapped around her neck. It’s familiar as well. It’s a silver necklace with the letter M, just like yours. You feel yourself getting sick. It was all starting to make sense. Your eyes flood with tears and you look away from the necklace, afraid that if you stare at it longer, you’ll burst out into sobs. You blink away your tears. 

“Sorry, excuse me.” You say softly, slowly getting up from your seat.

“Is everything alright, Y/N?” Misun asks concerningly.

You wave it off. “I just feel a little bit sick.”

“Let me drive you home, Y/N.” Mr. Jung insists and you shake your head. He looks like he doesn’t even want to be there either.

“I’m okay, sir—”

“No, let me. Besides, I have a meeting tomorrow morning and it’s getting quite late.” Mr. Jung gives you a knowing look.

“O-Okay.” You mumble. “I’m so sorry, Ms. Song, Mr. Kim.”

As you start leaving, Misun grabs your hand. You look at her and she smiles. 

“Thank you for all your help, Y/N.”

“No problem.” You muster up a smile, before looking at her necklace again. “Where did you get your necklace? It looks really beautiful.”

She looks at her fiance, before replying, “Junhwa gave it to me. It really looks beautiful, doesn’t it?”

A tear threatens to escape your eye. “It does.”

Two and a half years ago…

“You’re back.”

Junhwa stops in his tracks, looking at you from the door. You’re holding a glass of wine in your hand and you bring it to your lips to take a quick sip. He kicks off his shoes and heads into the living room, where you are. He walks into the kitchen and starts pouring himself a glass of water.

“Where have you been?” You ask.

“I was out with my friends.” He replies.

“Out with your friends?” He nods his head. “Do you know what day it is?”

“Thursday?” He says, confusedly.

You scoff. “Just an ordinary day, huh?”

He shrugs his shoulders. He downs the cup of water before placing it into the sink. You watch him as he heads into the room, calling it a night. Once he shuts the door behind him, you sigh, placing your glass of wine onto the coffee table. A tear escapes your eye.

It was at this moment where you confirmed that you were starting to lose him. To him, it was just an ordinary day. But to you, it was your second anniversary together. You look at the pan filled with pasta that you made for the two of you, and you feel nothing but shame because you made a meal for nothing.

You were losing him.

You were losing a part of you.

It’s the first day of venue picking and you have never felt so exhausted. The first venue is surprisingly at a university campus. Supposedly, the wedding would happen at a beautiful reserve forest on campus grounds. It has tall pine trees forming a circle, leaving a beautiful space for a wedding in the middle of nature. 

“There are a few things to consider here,” one of the owners of the university begins. “If you’re not into insects flying around you or having birds chirping during the ceremony, then you might want to have an indoor wedding.”

“I’m really liking the whole mother nature vibe.” Misun replies, but she purses her lips into a straight line. “But I’m not sure if Junhwa will like that.”

He doesn’t like insects, you think to yourself. Somehow, Junhwa doesn’t show up for the venue picking just like how he doesn’t show up for the cake tasting, and even the dress fitting. You were starting to wonder how busy he could be that it’s been holding him back from showing up and making an effort to plan a wedding… his wedding. It was quite questionable.

“Are you okay with insects, sir?” The owner asks and Mr. Jung looks at him.

“Sorry, sir, but I’m not the fiance. I’m just a close friend helping her out.” He replies. 

How many times does Mr. Jung have to be mistaken as the fiance? Maybe Junhwa should be showing up so that things like this wouldn’t keep happening. You internally sigh, shifting your attention down to your daily planner. 

“Yeah, I don’t think this is it. Thank you for showing us around, but I think I’ll keep looking.” Misun suggests. She turns around to look at the both of you. “Shall we get to the next venue?”

The next venue is at an art gallery. Now this would be something Junhwa would like, you think to yourself. One of the tour guides of the art gallery is touring the three of you around the art gallery. All of you reach the wedding venue, which is in one of the rooms surrounded by a couple of statues and paintings. You smile.

“I really like what we have going on here,” Misun says as she looks at one of the statues. 

“What about the fiance?” The tour guide asks as she looks at Mr. Jung. 

Not again, you think to yourself. You wince. Mr. Jung looks at the tour guide and you can see him internally sigh with frustration. He shakes his head.

“Sorry, I’m not the fiance. I’m just a close friend helping her out.”

Misun looks at Jaehyun with an apologetic look. Mr. Jung shrugs his shoulders and sighs, pulling out his phone to distract himself. Misun frowns, glancing at you and you look down at your daily planner. 

“Sorry, do you mind giving us a minute?” Misun asks the tour guide. 

“Sure.” The tour guide answers and leaves the room.

“Y/N? Sorry, I just want to speak to Jaehyun in private.” Misun mumbles and you nod your head, leaving the room.

Jaehyun watches you as you leave the two of them alone. Once you’re out of sight, he looks back at Misun. Misun places her face into her hands. “I’m sorry, Jae. They keep mistaking you for—”

“It’s fine, Misun.” Jaehyun cuts her off. “But it’s getting a bit tiring, don’t you think? I keep getting mistaken as your fiance and I keep correcting them.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry.” She apologizes.

“You know, I’m starting to get concerned about your fiance. Why isn’t he showing up? If he just showed up to plan the wedding with you then maybe I wouldn’t be mistaken as your fiance all the time.” He snaps and Misun knits her eyebrows in frustration.

“You know that we have busy lives, Jae—”

“I know. But I made time for you. Can’t he do the same? He’s your fiance. This is your wedding.” He interrupts her. The frown on her face seems permanent.

“Well I’m sorry for taking up your time. I didn’t know that I was being such a burden to you—”

“And I’m sorry for being a concerned friend. I’m sorry for being painfully in love with you—”

“You’re in love with me?” 

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Misun. What matters is that your fiance should be showing up and making an effort to plan your wedding. I can’t let this happen all the time, and neither do you.”

“It matters, Jae.” Misun shakes her head. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” He scoffs. “Tell you that I’m in love with you? Misun, you’ve been blind all this time. You barely noticed me. It seemed like you even disregarded my feelings for you—”

“I would never.” She argues back. “I never disregard your feelings—”

“I’ve always been there for you, Misun. Have you ever been there for me?” He sighs. “It doesn’t matter anymore. You’re getting married. What can I do?”

“Jae—”

“I know I agreed to help you plan your wedding but I think I’ll have to step down, Misun. I don’t think it’s good for me. I don’t think it’s good for you either.” Jaehyun suggests. “I’m sorry.”

Before Misun could call out to him, he’s already out of the room. You jump in your stance when Mr. Jung slams the door shut. You look at him with wide eyes, but they soften and grow concerned when you see him wipe a tear from his cheek. You look back into the room to see Misun frustratingly running a hand through her hair. 

“Sir, is everything okay?”

“Let’s go. I don’t have time for this.”

The car ride is silent. There’s nothing else booked for the day. The only exchange you both had since you left the art gallery was your boss insisting on driving you home. Other than that, the only thing making the car ride less dreadful is the faint music playing from the radio. 

You use up all your power and bravery to strike up a conversation. 

“Sir, is everything alright?”

The car reaches a stoplight. As pedestrians are crossing the road, he lets out a sigh. He hits the steering wheel in frustration. “No. But does it matter to you anyway?”

“Sir, I know that you’re just my boss but I care about you. You’re human. You have feelings too—”

“But you don’t know how I feel.” He cuts you off. “It would be a waste of your time to try and understand me, Y/N.”

“We both know that you’re very much in love with her.” You explain. “What makes it any different for you to just let out what you’ve been holding in for so long?”

“The difference is that you don’t know how I feel because you’ve never experienced it.” He mutters, stepping on the gas pedal once the stoplight turns to green. “Don’t even bother. You’re only wasting your time. You know nothing about me—”

“And you know nothing about me either, sir.” You cut him off. “With all due respect, but please stop acting like you know about my love life. You don’t know what I’ve experienced—”

“Do you know how it feels to be in love? Do you know how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? Do you—”

“I know that feeling all too well, sir. But let me ask you this,” you force yourself to look out the window because if you look at him, you might burst out into anger. You’re only trying to help. “Do you know how it feels to be cheated on? Do you know how it feels to find out that the man you love, is getting married to the woman he cheated on you with?”

Jaehyun tears his gaze from the road. He looks at you as you stare out the window. There’s deep sadness spread across your face and suddenly he regrets lashing out on you. He doesn’t know you, and while he was complaining and placing his burdens on you by dragging you along on this wedding venture, he had no idea about what you were going through. Or what you had gone through. 

“Y/N, I—”

“You don’t.” You chuckle bitterly, looking at him. “The man that cheated on me is the fiance of your close friend. What a coincidence, right?”

He looks at you with confusion. His eyes soften. “Y/N, I had no idea—”

“The other woman that my ex-boyfriend was seeing is the woman you’re in love with. Look, I know you’re going through a lot of pain, sir, but I’m going through so much more. So please, stop pretending like you’re the only victim here, because you’re not.” You say sadly.

The rest of the ride is awkward and quiet until you finally reach home. As you get out of his car, you grab your things with you. To make things lighter, you look at your boss and flash a small smile. 

“Thanks for the ride, sir. Take care.”

“I can’t believe he said that to you.”

Johnny clinks his glass of wine with yours and the both of you take a quick sip. You sigh, placing the glass down. Your late night wine-drinking with Johnny has been long overdue. It’s nights like these where you find yourself talking about life with Johnny over a bottle of wine. With everything that’s going on, you knew that you had to settle down and catch a breath. 

“How’s the new intern?” You ask.

“Horrible.” He groans. “He keeps forgetting everything I tell him. Who even hired him, anyway?”

“Sounds like a nightmare to me.” You sigh. 

“How’s the childhood friend search going?” You look at him before letting out a soft ‘oh!’. As you head into your room, you open a drawer at your desk and pull out a photo album. When you come back into the living room, Johnny eyes the photo album.

“I found this album when I visited my mother a couple of days ago,” you mumble, handing him the photo album. “It has a lot of pictures of the little boy and I. However, when I asked my mother if she remembered who he was and where he could possibly be, all she knew was that his name is Jung Yoonoh.”

He flips through the photo album and he looks at each photo. As you’re taking a seat on the couch, you watch him as he intently observes each photo. 

“He looks really familiar.”

“Does he really?” You say softly, your eyelids drooping. You’re more than slightly tipsy and you could knock out any second now. You stretch out your arms and lean against your couch, your eyes threatening to fall shut. 

Johnny flips to the next page in the album and he lets out a soft gasp. There’s a photo of you and the little boy. He’s blowing out a few candles on what seems to be his birthday cake. The cake is a strawberry shortcake. In the picture, Johnny spots you standing right behind the little boy with a huge smile plastered on your face. 

“You know, he kind of looks like Mr. Jung. Don’t you think?”

Johnny glances at you and his gaze softens. You’ve already fallen asleep.

"Yoonoh? What are you doing here?”

Jaehyun looks at his mother. His eyes trail down to her hands that are covered with oven mittens. He picks up a strong whiff of chocolate chip cookies. This is his home, or should he say, used to be his home. It’s quite evident that he’s presence was unexpected, for his mother just stares at him with a mix of confusion and concern. 

“Can I come in?” 

She moves aside for him to step into the house. It’s warm and cozy, he notices when he steps into the house. He turns around and watches his mother remove her oven mittens. She heads towards him.

“Did something happen at work?” She asks hesitantly. 

He shakes his head. “No, work is doing pretty fine.”

“Yoonoh, you’re freaking me out.” Her eyebrows furrow. “Is something wrong?”

He glances at the freshly baked cookies sitting on the counter top. His eyes shift towards his mother and he mumbles, “do you still happen to have childhood photos of me?”

She throws him a funny look. “That’s such a weird request, but yes, I still have them. Why don’t you take a seat in the living room while I go get them for you?”

“That would be nice.” He smiles.

She mirrors his smile and rushes over to the bowl filled with cookies before handing them to him. “Take these too.”

As he takes a seat on the couch in the living room, he observes the photos hung on the walls. They’re a collection of family portrait photos and graduation photos. These were the only photos that made it when him and his parents experienced a house fire when he was a little kid. 

His mother returns with a small stack of photo albums. She takes a seat right next to him and hands him the photo albums. 

As he opens the photo album, the first page he flips to is a photo of him and Misun. In the photo, it shows the two of them chasing each other out on his lawn. The photo seems to be taken by his mother, he assumes.

“You know, even though her mother passed when she was young, she was still such a lively young girl.” His mother says softly. 

He glances at her and raises an eyebrow. “Misun?” His mother looks at him with confusion. “This little girl, her name is Misun. We reunited when I moved into the city to take care of the family business.”

“Misun? Her name is Misun?” His mother questions and he nods his head. “I don’t remember her name being Misun, Yoonoh.”

“The M on her necklace stands for Misun, doesn’t it?” He asks. “I’m sure you forgot, mother.”

“No, Yoonoh,” she shakes her head. “The M on her necklace stands for her late mother’s name, Mina. Your childhood friend’s name... what was it again? I don’t seem to remember. All I know is that the M on her necklace does not stand for Misun.”

“W-What?” He stutters nervously.

“Yoonoh, perhaps this Misun girl isn’t your childhood friend. You must’ve mistaken her as your childhood friend.” She places her hand on his shoulder. 

“It can’t be.” He says, not believing it.

“Ah!” She exclaims. “I think I remember her name! It’s natural for me to have forgotten her name because her family moved out to the city when her mother passed.”

“What’s her name?”

Jaehyun’s face pales.

“Her name is Y/N.”

author’s note. i hope you guys liked it! this took me a fat month to write, so i really hope you guys enjoyed it. and as i said from a while back, this is in celebration of jaehyun’s birthday! kjshdfjdhf i love him with my whole ass heart. ALSO nct 127 comeback is soon! i am! not! ready! 

feedback is very much appreciated! comments? let me know!

[bouncyirwin]

🔥 Steamy Fics - Rec List 🔥

I decided to compile a list of some of my favourite smutty fics for you guys to enjoy as well! Remember to let the author know if you like their work ✨

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Welp folks, that’s it ... or is it?

Find below the cut some shameless self-promo ✨

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[cntrspll]

this is a love letter to my own fic

hi hello hey, this is an essay about my own fic and the feelings i have about it. fic can be found here.

i am going to try so hard to keep this organized but i don’t know how well that will work soooo let’s go!

on the fic overall:

i just... like magnus. i think he is a fan fave for a reason, but i think there’s a lot of missing discussion of his post-canon situation and the development thereafter. when i finished listening to balance for the first time (in february-ish this year, i think?), i remember being super frustrated with where parts of the fandom had landed their focus. this isn’t an uncommon fandom thing, and i totally get where it comes from. some characters are just super relatable and a lot of fun to write about and have like absolute piles of stuff to unpack, so it’s totally fair that some characters get more focus than others, but where i felt that some of my faves got a lot of fandom focus, others... didn’t.

so this fic was in part an attempt to rectify that, because i wasn’t finding the unpacking of magnus and his emotional / mental state that i wanted. that being said, there are a couple fics that i did draw a little bit of inspiration from, the biggest probably being patterns of migration by goodnicepeople. the depiction of magnus as this big strong dude who also has these quiet vulnerabilities that he doesn’t like admitting to people is like, in part just really accurate to canon, but also something that i really wanted to see explored more, and i didn’t find a whole lot of other fics that fit that, so in part i just wanted to set out to put a little more into that.

also, like, i work in food service, and we are in a pandemic, and i moved in the middle of this year and i started hrt this year and have been dealing with the fallout of coming out and just kind of everything, and this fic was a really good way of just like, distracting myself from everything and sitting down for a little every day and thinking about something else and not so much about everything that was happening around me. so there is a good part of this fic that is just like, me coping with everything and trying to reorient myself a little. and it worked pretty well for that!

on process:

ok first things first, this was never meant to be 133k long. when i first sat down to write this, it was going to be a handful of snapshots set across [undetermined amount of time here] of magnus dealing with isolation and insomnia, and it was only meant to be like, maybe a 20k oneshot? that obviously did not happen. i think my original estimate once i accepted that this was gonna be multichaptered was like 60-70k, but then the chapters started getting longer with each one i finished, and then i wanted to add in an interlude, and then i decided i needed an epilogue, and here we are.

i’ll talk about this in other sections too, but as i wrote, i just kept finding more and more things that i wanted to talk about. i was also in the process of relistening to balance i was writing, and i kept running into little things that happened over the course of the show that i was like... oh shit! and that would inspire another scene or an interaction i wanted to write or something i wanted to focus more on, and the whole thing just kept getting more and more and bigger and bigger.

i’ve said it like 50 thousand times now, but i have never written anything this long before. i tried really hard to be regimented about the way i did it, because from the beginning i knew this was going to be an emotional journey for me to write, but i knew that if i let it slide for a week or so then i would never finish it. so to get through it, i wrote almost every day for a minimum of an hour. the process that i’ve found works best for me when i’m writing is using word sprints, putting on some music, and then forcing myself to tune out of social media and everything else for 25 minutes. i try to do between 750-1k words in that time period, then the site gives you a five minute break, during which i usually check twitter or fact check if i need to, and then i go back in and do another sprint. this works really well for me because i wasn’t trying to hit a specific word goal in any given day, just like... trying to sit down and write. i also tried not to guilt myself too much if i missed a day, or if i only did one sprint instead of two, or anything like that, and that’s kind of what helped me get through the whole monster without instantly dropping it as soon as i had another idea.

on mental health and recovery:

so one of my big personal pet peeves in fiction is the idea that trauma recovery is like, a one time single event deal. like, someone has this big horrible thing happen to them or they have some pressing mental health issue and then someone else walks in and they have one conversation and bam, everything is fine. i was exposed to a lot of [fan]fiction when i was younger that kind of supported this kind of narrative, and i get that there is a certain sort of wish fulfillment thing to that, but it also sucks, being an adult and having Problems(TM) and knowing that it absolutely does not work like that.

so when i set out to write a fic about trauma and mental illness and recovery, i felt kind of a responsibility to not fall into that trap and write it like, okay and then magnus and taako talk about it and taako’s like hey dude you’re depressed but it’s okay and then magnus doesn’t have nightmares anymore. also, because this is taz and the canon of like, historical accuracy is complete bullshit, i can put therapists and psychiatry and psychiatric medications in my fic and no one can tell me i’m wrong and it doesn’t exist. elevators exist, so i can make ssris and anti anxiety pills exist.

but also, magnus as a character is not going to jump into that right away. it is canon fact that he doesn’t like accepting or asking for help with stuff like this, and yes there are a couple big moments where he does, but like i bring up a couple times in the fic, mental health struggles are a big jump from like, a physical fight using swords and axes and shit. and this i think is really accurate to a lot of people’s struggles with mental illness, just taking that first step and admitting that you don’t feel okay, and that you need someone’s help to deal with it. that’s super super scary even to admit to like, your closest friends.

so that’s why magnus kind of shies away a number of times from some of the conversations that people try to start with him about mental health. taako and carey and lucretia and pretty much everyone else approach him at some point about opening up about this stuff, but he pulls away because admitting that kind of vulnerability to someone else is super scary, even if you’ve maybe admitted it to yourself already.

i also wanted to make sure that at the end of the fic, he wasn’t magically better. this is something else that i think people kind of forget, like... trauma and the problems that it causes don’t go away just because of therapy and medication. those things help, they help you reform the ways you think about yourself and about the world, but they don’t change the struggles you’ve been through or the sometimes biological problems that are causing whatever issue you’re having. and i remember reading a lot of fic when i was a kid where someone would be depressed, and then they’d fall in love and get magic dick or something and then they’d never be sad again, which... isn’t great.

but at the same time, i didn’t want it to end on this note like, oh everything is still bad even though he worked so hard to open up and get help, because that sucks, too. so it was really important to me that the fic end on a hopeful note, like, magnus isn’t cured. he still has bad days and bad weeks and sometimes he is just as low as he was before, but he also has like, normal days, which is something that i think you kind of forget can even exist when you’re depressed, or when you’re dealing with any mental illness. but like, i really wanted it to be obvious that things did get better and even if he’s still coping with it and it’s not going away, he’s okay. he’s gonna be all right.

on an unreliable narrator:

this kind of plays into some of the mental health stuff, but one thing that i love about taz that i really wanted to play into with this fic is the idea of limited perspective. griffin does some really cool fucking things with this, specifically in relation to the ipre and the big reveal in the last lunar interlude, with the idea of like... a character can only know the things that they know. like, magnus knows that there is a picture of him depicted as a red robe, and barry knows that they’re all red robes, and taako knows that they found the umbra staff next to a red robed skeleton and that the umbrella spelled out lup at one point, but none of them necessarily know all the things that the other person knew, and none of them know all the things that lucretia knows or that fisher knows or junior knows, etc etc.

unfortunately, just because the pace of the story picks up so much in that last lunar interlude, there isn’t a whole lot of space to explore that like, disconnect between all these facts that they each have as individuals. and given the perspective of mental health and the way that plays into your perceptions of yourself and your perceptions of other people’s perceptions, i really wanted to delve into like… magnus’s misunderstandings.

this is not a strictly straightforward unreliable narrator situation, but i did bring in some elements of that. i really wanted to explore the disconnect between how magnus sees and how everyone else sees him and his issues. there are also a couple moments where he flat out completely misinterprets their intentions, which unfortunately i didn’t delve into as much as i wanted to so they ended up mostly being fun easter eggs for, uh… me? i guess?

one of those moments is the scene in ch 4 where barry and magnus are sitting in the kitchen and barry starts to ask magnus something. magnus assumes it’s going to be about his mental health, and that this is barry stepping up as representative for everyone else to talk to him about it, but it’s really meant to be a precursor to their conversation in ch 6 where they talk about barry and lup and marriage and proposals.

magnus gets a little perspective on this later, i think in ch 7(?) where he’s thinking about how maybe their lives don’t completely revolve around him and he’s missing some of their perspective. but like, they all have their own shit going on, and they all love him and they’re worried about him, but also, barry is thinking about lup. lup is thinking about taako. taako is thinking about lucretia. lucretia is thinking about davenport, and davenport is thinking about his own issues, and so on and so on and they’re not all just like… waiting to pounce on magnus the second he shows weakness.

a lot of that plays into the hypervigilance of ptsd, too. magnus is very aware of any perceived threat, and he sometimes treats the people around him as threats, when all they’re doing in reality is thinking like, man i wish he didn’t live out here by himself all the time.

on a more meta note, i also have a tendency to make every character i write just like, a super good judge of character. i don’t think magnus is that, and i really wanted to lean into that. magnus does not read intention super well, even when that intention is genuinely good.

on the ipre and their relationships:

so i… really don’t write gen fic a lot. even when i do, it is almost always tinged with a little bit of background shipping, and there is some of that in this, but whereas in most fandoms i end up being a multishipper, for some reason with taz i’ve ended up pretty much only caring about the canon ships (sorry…). that being said, the platonic relationships in taz (and especially in balance) are some of the most compelling and important fictional relationships that i’ve ever encountered. like, they are just really well fucking done.

this being the magnus love letter that it is, i really wanted to focus on magnus’s distinct relationships with every member of the ipre crew. i don’t know how obvious this is in the actual narrative, but with the exception of the interlude and the epilogue, the story is broken down into one chapter for each member of the starblaster crew (in order, magnus, taako, merle, davenport, barry, lucretia, lup). i did this specifically because it was really important to me that i dive into all of them and their particular issues. i didn’t quite get the deep dive with merle or davenport that i would’ve liked to, but hopefully in the future i’ll get more time to explore that.

anyway, in case it isn’t obvious, lup is probably my favorite fictional character literally ever in any media created by anyone in the history of time. i say this only because a lot of this fic was set up to build to the conversation between her and magnus in ch 8 out on the mountain where he finally opens up for the first time. there are some really incredible unexplored parallels and relationships in taz (unexplored mainly because like, where would it even fit in canon), and while some of them are super self indulgent (ie, lup and mags, barry and mags), i really really really wanted to dig into those a little more. things like the conversation where taako is talking about everyone brushing over his trauma to rush to forgive lucretia, or lucretia talking about trying to learn to love writing again and recognize happy moments, davenport almost admitting that he’s not completely sure about stepping back into the family in his former role… i could write an entire fic on any of these, really.

but ultimately, this being a magnus fic, i tried to filter those conversations through a perspective of two things: first, how does this affect magnus and his mental health journey, and second, what can magnus do to help this. those scenes where magnus is trying to help someone with something and they’re like, backhandedly helping him are some of my favorite interactions in the fic.

the other thing i really really really wanted to explore that i never see enough of in fic is magnus and carey’s relationship. carey is canonically magnus’s best friend, and yet in fic i feel like she gets pushed to the side a little in favor of the starblaster crew. which i get, they’ve got a hundred and ten years of shared trauma, but also, travis flat out states that carey is magnus’s best friend, so… i mean, there is also a little bit of self indulgence here, because i am also a man who is exclusively best friends with lesbians, but you know.

that being said, i really wanted to emphasize that relationship in particular, which is why carey doesn’t have her own dedicated chapter and instead kind of slides in and out of each one and slowly helps magnus along the way. her personality i also feel is like, the exact kind of thing that magnus needs to push him into accepting / asking for help and moving towards recovery.

on real life parallels:

ok, i swear to god i did not intend to make this a holiday fic posted during the holidays. i started writing this in june, and again, it was only meant to be like 20k and not necessarily entirely set during candlenights. that kind of happened, anyway? candlenights just seemed like the best vessel to get all these characters whose post-canon situations i wanted to explore into the same room, and i finished the first draft around mid october and i wanted to give myself plenty of time for editing, so it honestly just ended up coincidentally aligning with the holidays. go figure.

that being said, isolation ended up featuring pretty heavily in this fic. that i think is to be expected to a certain degree given the nature of mental health and recovery and blah blah blah, but i probably unintentionally ended up leaning into it a little more because like… this year. and the holidays tend to be a time that a lot of us feel really isolated, and this year especially, but one of the big things for me this year is that like, all of my friends live out of state. the closest one to me is still a good 2-3 hour plane ride, which i am absolutely not risking. i had like a hundred plans to go see people and do things this year, and those obviously got cancelled.

probably the biggest one of those things was seeing a friend who i have kind of started a new years tradition of seeing, but we ended up calling that off out of safety considerations, of course. and it sucks! it’s not fun! i also moved out this year and i have my own place and in june i was really hoping that things would be okay by now and i could have all my friends come in from out of town for new years and that didn’t happen. and i wasn’t intending for this fic to be a kind of wish fulfillment of like, here’s my new place post-[saving the universe / coming out and becoming a real person], let me show my found family around my hometown and let’s make new holiday traditions together now that we’re no longer [fighting the apocalypse / literal children] and everything will be fun and happy and good, but that is kind of what happened anyway. [insert joke here that goes like “do you project your real world problems and mental health issues onto fictional characters or are you normal?”]

but yeah, magnus’s mental health struggles did kind of accidentally become a little bit of a pandemic / quarantine life parallel. i did not mean for that to happen, but it did help me tease out a little bit of what it is that i feel like i’m missing and what i want in the future when things are better, and i hope it helped some other people figure that stuff out too, maybe?

and in conclusion:

i said this a little bit in the final notes in the fic, but i am so so so grateful and emotional over the comments i’ve gotten from some of you. i’ve said it already, but this was such an emotional rollercoaster for me to write. i put a decent amount of my own mental health issues into the stuff i wrote into magnus, and it was genuinely therapeutic and like… super helpful and important. it was also a big struggle, and there were some scenes i came out of feeling incredibly drained and like i needed to not write for a week.

so that being said, those of you who have commented things about how this fic helped you deal with your own emotional turmoil or helped put something in perspective for you, i am genuinely so happy to hear that i’ve impacted you in that way like, at all. that is so incredible to me, and not necessarily what i set out to do, but it means so much to hear someone say that and also to know that someone felt comfortable sharing that with a stranger on the internet. thank you so so so much.

again, this fic means so much to me. the fact that it’s impacted even a handful of people in that way is absolutely amazing. some of the things you guys have said have had me seriously choked up. i am so glad that anyone even took the time to read all 133k of this, let alone that it affected people like that.

i don’t know if i’ll be writing more about magnus in this universe. i would love to! but i’m also super happy with where i’ve left his story. i have plans to explore the calen thing in the future, but only kind of tangentially in a side mention and not fully, so who knows? there is more though, a lot with taako and kravitz and lup and barry and hopefully one day i will find the motivation somewhere in me to flesh out everyone else’s situations a little more, too. who knows!

anyway, i just want to say thanks again to everyone for reading, and even more so if you are reading this dumb essay. you’re super cool.

[moonlight-breeze-44]

Hey Em! I've gone through most of your Malec fics and I really love them! (especially the autistic!Alec one but also all those dealing with Alec's mental health issues) I was wondering if you have other recs for me of fics you love, since I'm really new in the fandom and there's so much out there?

Hi there! I’m so glad you’ve been reading and enjoying my fics! That means so much to me :) You’re so sweet! <3

I always have fic recs, so I am more than happy to give you some anytime you want. Here’s a list of a few (or a LOT because I got carried away, oops) that I love with my whole heart. I’m not sure what kinds of fics you like, so I rec’d some of my faves and ones that are specifically about autistic!Alec or Alec & mental health issues.

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- Walking With Death by Aria_Lerendeair. This is a fic about Malec becoming immortal husbands, and it’s angsty but so, so, so good. Death is a character and Alec buys him coffee.

- Stone Can Be Broken by lawsofchaos and the wonderful sequel Hearts Can Be Remade by Aria_Lerendeair. Both are very angsty, but Laws’ has a hopeful ending and Aria’s has a happy ending. Be sure to read the tags on Aria’s! <3

- Five Times Alec Hides His Tears And One Time He Doesn’t by notcrypticbutcoy. This fic is about Alec’s struggles with anxiety and it is such a heartwrenching read for me. 100/10 recommend. 

- Violet by cuubism. This one deals with some pretty serious suicidal thoughts, so be cautious! <3 Magnus and Alec meet each other on a bridge. Or, the one where helping someone else is sometimes easier than helping yourself. Written by cuubism of the Malec Discord server we’re a part of!

- Wish Upon A Shooting Star by Aria_Lerendeair. Another immortal husbands fic, and it is so, so sweet and has a whimsical, optimistic energy that will surely make you smile. (Bonus points: written by our very own sassy moderator of the Malec Discord server.)

- “You are hurt” by sugarandspace. I’m not sure how much you like parabatai feels, but if you do, this is THE FIC for you. Jenna, who is a member of our lovely Malec server as well, does it wonderfully. It’s set post-3x18 Malec breakup and it has Alec self-harming and lots of feels with him & Jace.

- A Different Time by TK_Extraordinaire. This fic is basically a character study of Alec, a look at how he evolved over the years told from the POV of others.

- Tell me I’m perfect (but tell me the truth) by SquaresAreNotCircles. This fic is one of my favourite fluffy ones and it’s basically 7.5k of Alec talking about how much he loves his boyfriend to everyone who’s not him and then one time Magnus finds out about these secret compliment-fests.

- Brother Let Me Be Your Shelter by alistoney. This fic deals with Alec’s self-harm and it is an add-on to that scene in season 1 when Alec storms away after Jace & Clary kiss. Lots of Izzy and Alec feels, provided graciously by the amazing Zia of our Malec server.

- I will catch you when you fall by sugarandspace. Another fic where Alec self-harms, but this time it’s Magnus helping him out.

- Quiet now, you’re gonna wake the beast by EternallySilverMagnusAndAlec. This is a wonderful autistic!Alec fic that also goes into the emotional trauma that Alec has to deal with from Maryse. Written by EternallySilver of the Malec Discord server!

- Not So Unrequited by Aria_Lerendeair. A best friends to lovers AU that goes through their journey together as friends (including lots of delicious angst) and eventually leads to the confessing of feelings.

- The Lonely Hearts Hotline by Fatale (femme). I prefer oneshots to long fics, so this is one of the only fanfics I’ve read that surpasses 20k. This is the story of CEO Magnus and phone sex operator Alec and yes, it is absolutely as good as it sounds. 100/10 must read.

- Subjective by Accal1a. This fic was actually just posted tonight in the Malec Discord server, but I wanted to link it in case you didn’t see. Hannah has an amazing way with words. This is a 5+1 about Alec & dealing with homophobia. It isn’t all posted yet, but it will be soon, and the first chapter is SO GOOD.

- Autistic Alec AU by AceOnIce. This is a series of fics where Alec is a mundane and autistic, and it shows the journey of his relationship with Magnus. It’s amazing and also written by one of our Discord server members, Amelia.

- shed my skin, my scars by ByTheAngell. This fic is another fic about Alec & self-harm, written by the wonderful Elle of the Malec Discord server, with a few mentions of other ways of not taking care of himself, too. It’s set post-canon and portrays the way that people can fall back into bad habits quickly and easily very well.

- On Thunderstorms and Scared Shadowhunters by alxdrlightwood. The fic in which Alec slowly begins to accept that it’s okay to have a phobia, and Magnus is there to provide cuddles.

- And They Were Roommates by CoolStoryMatt. A roommates college AU where Malec are oblivious idiots that really need to learn to communicate better. Another of the rare above 20k faves of mine. Absolutely hilarious, with great plot and so many moments that’ll make you yell at your screen.

- Whumptober 2019 by Donovanspen. This is a series of works with Malec hurt/comfort and angst.

- No reason to feel like this by sugarandspace. A fic in which Alec deals with depression, and Magnus is there for him.

- it took me years to say the words that you did not even need said by arekiras. A series of fics about autistic!Alec and his life as a Shadowhunter, Head of the Institute, and boyfriend/husband to Magnus Bane.

- Red-Handed by Carmenlire. This is a fic about Alec relapsing with self-harm and Magnus being there for him. Like Elle’s fic above, it also portrays the way one can slip back into bad habits quickly and easily very well.

- Reasons To Stay by AceOnIce. This fic is a 5 times fic with 5 times Alec wanted to die, but didn’t.

- holding onto you by anonlymous. Another Alec & self-harm fic where Magnus is there for him.

- Once You Taste It by Carmenlire. Yet another Alec & self-harm fic, with Alec making the choice to go to Magnus before things get too far.

- An Unlikely Angel by thatnerdemilyj. This fic is a Fraywood brotp where Clary leaves nice sticky notes for Alec after being exposed to all of the bad thoughts in his mind. Bonus points, it’s written by the lovely creator of our Malec server, the other Em!

- First step after the fall by sugarandspace. A fic about the aftermath of 2x08 but Magnus has wings as a warlock mark and he used those to save Alec when he jumped. Lots of angst for both Magnus & Alec!

- Survive In That Despair by thattrainssailed. This fic is one of the only no-dialogue fics I’ve ever read, but it makes the emotion that much more potent. It’s another Alec & self-harm fic, and it’s more graphic than the others I’ve rec’d here, so please be extra cautious! <3

- We Care For Each Other by ZequoiaRose. A bad day fic with absolutely ridiculous amounts of hurt/comfort. So soft, I don’t even have words. 100/10 recommend. 

- I cannot touch because they are too near by jillyfae. This fic is honestly the best fic about the parabatai bond I’ve ever read. It has a truly lovely amount of wordbuilding and is told from Magnus’s POV where he wants to know more about the bond Alec & Jace have. Extremely soft and written by jilly from our Malec Discord server.

- Between The Lines by Carmenlire. If you like pre-canon fics at all, this is an absolute must-read. It tells a heartwrenching story of Alec & his repression due to the Shadowhunters’ homophobic society, told from Isabelle’s POV. 

- Starling by cuubism. One of the best fics about Alec & mental health issues, in my opinion. It’s absolutely heartbreaking in the best way. It can also be pretty intense, so be sure to read the tags and the author’s trigger warnings! <3

- Astraphobia by AceOnIce. An autistic!Alec college AU where Alec’s fear of thunderstorms causes him to meet Magnus for the first time. So, so, so cute. Like, illegally cute.

- The Breath of a Lie by Secretness. This fic is another one of the best fics about Alec & mental healh issues. Although, please be aware - it is very, very intense. This fic will fuck you up good if you’re not careful, so please take care of yourself. <3

- 11:45 by bidness. This fic is the last of my above 20k recs. It is the sweetest workplace AU you will ever read, where Magnus keeps stealing Alec’s lunch and leaving apology notes behind. Also written by the absolutely wonderful Tilly of the Malec Discord server.

- The Best High School Love Story (Maybe Ever) by Aria_Lerendeair. If high school AUs are your thing, you will absolutely love this. It features competitive Malec, best friends to lovers, and the cutest storyline to ever cute.

~ ~ ~

So I ended up giving you like, half of my bookmarks, oops. Sorry about that. I hope you find some that you like among these, and thank you so much again for reading my fics!

Thank you for the ask!

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Christmas 2017

Christmas fics posted for 2017

*** Non-English Fics *** Under 20k fics (Smutty, Angsty, Fluffy)  *** Over 20k fics

***** NON-ENGLISH FICS ***** 

Deilig er jorden by pagnilagni (Norsk, 3k words) - Et lite bakteppe: Tida etter at Maria og Fredrik ble født høsten 2029 ble ikke som Even og Isak hadde tenkt. Ungene sov ikke, fedrene sov ikke, Even ble deprimert, Isak m��tte ta seg av hele familien. Nå er det snart jul... 

det kommer att regna på fredag, den tjugoandra december by vesperthine (Svenska, 4k words) - Isak har försökt säga att det inte är något att prata om ( – att mamma är dålig och pappa är feg, att han bara vill glömma allt vad förväntad familjelycka betyder och snylta på deras – ) men varje gång har Even bara tystnat och tittat ned; sett så sorgsen ut att konversationen helt har stannat av. Vilket han vet är en dödsstöt ( – en kommunikativ härdsmälta – ) som leder till allt det som han velat undvika; skrik och bråk som påminner för mycket om allting som han vill glömma.

En fantastisk julaften by pagnilagni (Norsk, 4k words) - God jul fra Maria og Fredrik og resten av familien Evak anno 2035 

I midvintertid by champagneleftie (Svenska, 8k words) - En saga om en Even, en Isak, och en magisk snöglob. 

En helt vanlig enkel dag by Always_and_ever (Svenska, 18k words) - Detta skulle bli den första dag, på länge, då han skulle känna sig ok. En dag spenderad med goda vänner på julmarknad. Han hade planerat och längtat. En helt vanlig enkel dag. Ja det var vad han föreställt sig i alla fall. Eller en historia om flera enkla dagar som inte blir så enkla som Isak hade hoppats på. ELLER en historia om att finna sin väg tillbaka. 

den mørkeste tida by pagnilagni (Norsk, 45k words) - Vi er i 2025. Isak har jobbet på Svalbard det siste halvåret. Han holder på med doktorgraden sin i astrofysikk og jobber som forsker i Ny Ålesund. Even jobber med en filminnspilling og har reist mye de siste månedene. Nå skal de feire jul sammen på Svalbard. 

Isak og Even -en julekalender by evakyaki, Frieda Echte (Plommesill), pagnilagni (Norsk, 55k words) - En Evak-fanfic-julekalender, fra oss til dere! God advent! Dette er en spesialskrevet desemberfic der vi følger Isak og Even dag for dag fram til julaften, desember 2017. Hver dag fram til jul poster vi et nytt kapittel her. 

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***** UNDER 20K FICS *****

SMUTTY

O Helga Natt by u_d (3k words) - It's Christmas Day. Isak and Even are far from holy.

santa, baby by empty_venom (SERIES, 14 fics) - Most of these are smutty fics but not all. 

Mistletoe and Type O Negative by riyku (6k words) - Isak Valtersen: vampire hunter. Kinda has a nice ring to it. 

Where the Lovelight Gleams by Sabeley (8k words) - The one where Even and Isak are stuck at different Christmas parties, but they're determined to have sex anyway. 

Uncover Me by Maugurt (13k words) - Now, Isak’s had his fair share of moments that could possibly be considered kind of gay, but those moments could always be regarded as curiosity or something else not homosexual. But straight up making out with some guy at a party couldn’t. There was just no way he could no homo out of that one. It was very homo. 

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NOT ALL FLUFF / ANGSTY

Love Actually by evak1isak (684 words) - Isak is engaged to his high school boyfriend, Chris, until things change when Even, his high school friend, shows up one day at Christmas, with an important message to tell through some posters while "Silent Night" plays in the background.

Blue Nights by Evak2121 (1k words) - "Still, he missed him more than he thought he could on a Christmas Eve." 

I'm not an asshole? by rumpelsnorcack (2k words) - Not Chrismassy. Jonas takes a few moments for himself to consider his reactions to his best friend being gay. It occurs to him that he maybe hasn't been the most supportive friend in the past. 

I'll be there, baby by Wolle19 (3k words) - All Isak want is for his husband to be home for the holidays. Even works making documentaries, so being home for the important dates is not a easy task. Isak just want a miracle. 

Oltre i confini del blu by Stria (Asia117) (3k words) - Five times Isak's Christmas is completely ruined and one time it goes completely right. 

it's going to rain on friday, the twenty-second of december by vesperthine (4k words) - Isak has tried to tell him that there’s nothing to discuss ( – that mom isn’t well, that dad is a coward, that he just wants to forget everything about family and expected happiness and just leech off of theirs – ) but every time Even has gone quiet and looked down; looked so sad that the conversation has just died. 

Soul Mates by orphan_account (5k words) - A misunderstanding before Christmas leads to a bit of angst and a whole lot of hurt/comfort. Then lots and lots of Christmas fluff!!! 

The Disaster Christmas by tusktooth (6k words) - It's now Isak's turn to meet Even's extended family over the week of Christmas.

my heart held a ledger by cynical_optimist, strangetowns (8.6k words) - A hitmen AU, wherein Isak and Even hate their jobs but love each other. 

i wrote you a song, hope that you sing along, and it goes: by traumatic (10k words) - Like a lot of seven year old boys, Even dreams of catching Santa Claus. He dreams of meeting him and shaking his hand, of asking him to show him how he does it, of thanking him for all he's done. When he actually does, Santa is exactly like he'd imagined. Both fortunately and unfortunately, by the time of Even's 23rd birthday, Santa no longer looks like that. He's no longer old or jolly; he doesn't have a large round belly or half-moon spectacles. This Santa is young, lean, and as beautiful as the world itself. 

tell me it's a good start by teatrolley (12k words) - A sequel. Even's POV of It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, before during and beyond. And a New Year's Eve. 

It's a Wonderful Life by kapplebougher (13k words) - t's a Wonderful Life AU, where Even believes the world would be better off without his existence. With the help of an angel though, he comes to realize that just maybe - that may not be entirely true. 

Life is better with you by charlyflowers (16k words) - A oneshot of Isak and Even during several Christmas times together. Childhood friends. 

I Just Want You For My Own by Twinklylightseverywhere (19k words) - Even loves the holidays, really. He loves spending time with his friends and family, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, exchanging gifts, the like. He loves leaving his apartment to see snow falling from the sky, children’s eyes lit up in excitement, and the general busy bustle of downtown Oslo in December. You know what he doesn’t love about Christmas time? Working in a fucking Post Office. 

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FLUFFY 

the way your eyes sparkle by wyoheartsmusic (501 words) - Isak and Even celebrate Christmas apart and neither of them is very happy about it 

Under the Mistletoe by evak1isak (952 words) - Isak has a crush on Eva's best friend, Even, but he's too stubborn to recognize it. With Christmas coming, Eva has a plan to set the two boys up. 

dance with me by agarina (1k words) - There's always some room for anxiety. And cheesy Christmas music. And dancing. And kisses. 

all i want for christmas is you by stringsinmelody (1k words) - Isak and Even enjoy their first Christmas together with their baby. 

Slowly Starts Sinking In by bri_ness (1.4k words) - Christmas ish. After a Christmas party, Isak and Eva consider their feelings for their friends. 

all the greenery is comin' down by colazitron (1.5k words) - Evilde fic. Vilde decides to try and make a move on Eva, and the mistletoe at the Kosegruppa Christmas Party would be the perfect pretext. If only she could actually get Eva underneath it! 

Christmas Surprises by glbertblythes (1.5k words) - Isak and Even celebrate Christmas together by going to Even's house for dinner. 

You And Me Here by TotallyTinkerbell (1.7k words) - A little Christmas-themed Evak fluff 

I'm FALLing for you by Schedazzle (2k words) - Not actually a Christmas fic but it’s too cute not to include. … the little bell above the door went off and his favorite customer came in. Even couldn’t hide the smile spreading on his face as he spotted the by now familiar golden curls. 

from such great heights by lizziemcguire (2k words) - Isak finds himself scared on a Ferris Wheel, and it's all Magnus' fault. Even is there to comfort him. 

White Elephant by HazyCosmicJive (2k words) - Vilde turns the office Secret Santa into a White Elephant Secret Santa. 

everyone hates christmas music by theyellowcurtains (2k words) - The boys plan a trip to a cabin for Christmas and a group Secret Santa. 

Hope by bri_ness (2.4k words) - Isak and Even celebrate hope. 

The Beginning of Believing by MacksDramaticShenanigans (2.5k words) - “Santa’s not even real,” Aleksander shouted, his voice so loud that it echoed down the hallway.“Yes he is! He brings us presents!” Elin whined, her bottom lip pushed out into an over exaggerated pout— something she had clearly picked up from Even. Aleksander scoffed and shook his head, blonde curls bouncing. “No! Daddy and Pappa bring us presents!” Elin’s eyes grew as wide as saucers, and a thin film of moisture clouded her pretty green irises. “No, Santa!” She argued. 

i can't pretend (guess that's love) by wyoheartsmusic (2.5k words) - Even is tired of watching his friends kiss. So is Isak. The plan? Add more kissing to the mix to get them to stop kissing.Foolproof. Right? 

Not so much of a Christmas miracle by Sassy3 (2.5k words) - Isak is trying to earn some money selling Christmas trees. He isn´t doing that well but suddenly the customers only ask for him, who is helping him out? 

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by colazitron (2.5k words) - Even knows Isak's a bit nervous about visiting his mother for Christmas, so he tries to lighten the mood with a joke. 

but cause he really knows me by ourlovelybones (3k words) - Even just wants to plan a perfect surprise for Isak, one where it doesn't go quite as planned and one where he thinks he might have gotten it just right. 

But the prettiest sight to see by imminentinertia (3k words) - Even deeply regrets doing Eva a favour for Christmas, but it turns out there’s a reward for his kindness. 

You Forgot Cranberries Too? by ultimatelawrence (3k words) - "Isak was a romantic deep down in his heart. A fact he never let anyone know. But a fact that was there and seemed to be exacerbated by the festive season."4 Christmas Eve's in which Isak sees Even. 4 Christmas Eve's to get it right. 

Bundle Up Tight! Flurries Tonight by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.4k words) - Isak obliged and snatched up the first coat of his that his eyes landed on. It was more of a windbreaker than it was a real jacket, and Even quickly pointed that out. “If you wear that you're going to freeze, Is.” “It’s not that cold out, Even. Anyways we’re just walking to the tram stop, we’re not going to be outside very long.” 

Ready to Jingle Your Bells by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.5k words) - It was truly a testament to how drunk Isak was when rather than vehemently denying the request or furiously shaking his head and pushing everyone away, he set his glass down and determinately rose to his feet. And there was also the fact that Isak— sober or drunk— was never one to turn away from any sort of challenge, and Mikael’s wording certainly posed this as one. (Of course, there was also the fact that Even did sing him a song, and what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he didn’t serenade Even right back?) 

The best Christmas you've ever had by hannakin (3.7k words) - “I don’t hate Christmas,” Isak sighed. “I just don’t like it.” Isak doesn't really like Christmas but Even does and he wants Isak to do too. “I’m going to make this Christmas the best Christmas you have ever had.” he whispered. 

fucking finally by theyellowcurtains (4k words) - It was nearing Christmas and Isak had to do something. He really wanted Even to be in his life forever now. 

Tis’ The Season To Be Grumpy by MacksDramaticShenanigans (4k words) - “Jeez,” Even started, giving Isak a pointed look. “Are you supposed to be using that kind of language around children?” He asked, though he didn’t sound mad— more amused than anything, really. Isak scrunched up his face at that. “What would Santa have to say about this?” 

It's Lovely Weather for a Sleigh Ride Together with You by princeofnothingcharming (4k words) - It had been snowing all day in Oslo and as Christmas was drawing near they had been playing Christmas music in KB, putting Even in such a cosy and festive mood and he’d decided he didn’t want to lose this festive feeling and wanted to something fun and festive with Isak and knew exactly what he wanted to do. 

A Grump for Christmas by Schedazzle (4k words) - Apparently he wasn't as great at hiding his emotions, because as he hastily wiped the table someone behind him said, “Why do you always frown when that one comes on?” Isak looked over his shoulder to where that deep voice had come from. Even. There was a fluttering in his stomach every time his coworker unexpectedly starting talking to him.He rolled his eyes. “It means the CD starts back up again.” Even who had been smiling at him grinned at that and chuckled. “You’re a Grinch.” Fake dating au. 

Books by Aceteroid (4k words) - Even picks up a pre-ordered book for his mother and falls for the employee at the store. 

Just Kids When We Fell In Love by wyoheartsmusic (5k words) - Isak and Even go to university 3000 km away from each other. Luckily, it's Christmas break and they had the brilliant idea to go on a cabin trip together. 

Maybe what matters is being together by evakuality (5k words) - It's Isak's first ever anniversary and he can't imagine anything worse than being forced to spend it with his co-workers. Of course, when your anniversary happens to be around Christmas time, sometimes dates collide. 

He Moves Me by warlocked_mundane (5k words) - A huge smile lights up Isak’s face and there is no trace of sleep to be found anymore. He bites his lower lip to contain the giggle that wants to escape. Even talking about their future like there is no way but for them to spend the rest of their lives together and build a family of their own, makes him giddy with so much joy. He’s never felt so happy in his life before. 

All The Way Home I'll Be Warm by Alene (6k words) - Eva finds her way back to Jonas, but more importantly she finds her way back to herself. Isak just happens to find Even in the process. Also, it's almost Christmas, and they're snowed in. 

(WIP) The Fools Who Dream by Janey_E (6k words) - A collection of moments from Isak and Even's family life, important and not-so-important. Kids, friends, mornings, evenings, weddings, birthdays, bad days, good days. 

18 Secret Santa Horror Stories That'll Turn Anyone Into A Grinch by GayaIsANerd (6k words) - Some secret Santa, some unfortunate google results, a whole lot of complaining and a heart full of gratitude. 

(Baby) It's Cold Outside by himmelsky (6k words) - December is approaching, but Isak isn’t feeling the Christmas spirit. Barista guy, aka Even, wants it differently. 

Cuddle Monsters by sikily (8k words) - One spoke of true love and the other a critic, But Christmas would be the day to believe in magic, A wink of his eye and a tilt of his head, And Isak became a believer instead. 

Make the Yuletide Gay by Sabeley (8.4k words) - Isak has been pining after Even for months. Jonas and Eva decide that a romantic getaway at the cabin is exactly what the two boys need to confess their feelings to each other.  

helpful magic by everythingislove (straykid), puddingandpie (9k words) - Five times Even uses his magic because of Isak, and the one time he actually tells him about it. Or: the one where Even is a Santa’s Helper with special Christmas magic abilities, and Isak is a normal human who he's quickly falling for. 

7 Places I Fell in Love With You by princeofnothingcharming, Victory4 (11k words) - Isak has a unique gift for Even this Christmas. In the form of letters 

SKAM ADVENT CALENDAR by salengedusmiler (SilverySparks) (14k words) - Watch your favourite Skam characters open their advent calendars together with their friends. 24 days of more or less Christmassy friendship and couple fluff!

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***** OVER 20K FICS ***** 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough by Amfelia (21k words) - Not sure if this is Christmas centric. Even discovers life is not always shiny and bright, sometimes it is just really hard. Angsty. 

In A Week by allyasavedtheday (23k words) - Not a Christmas fic. But this sequel is a fav. “Fine. I’ll stay at Eskild’s on Friday night. And you can add your 1000kr to our wedding present,” he sniffs. “Or,” Jonas says and Isak doesn’t trust the glint in his eye. “We could make this a little more interesting. ”Isak narrows his eyes at him. “What are your terms?” “You and Even spend the five nights up to Saturday apart. If you do, we’ll pay for your honeymoon.” 

Late December With My Heart In My Chest by LavenderWater (24k words) - In order to stop his mother's fussing since he left for college, Even tells her he's dating his roomate, Isak. They pretend to be a couple over the holiday weekend to convince his family.

The Secret Santa App by Crazyheart (25k words) - Secret Santa AU, Isak’s and Even’s altering POV. In this world, Isak and Even met at Nissen, but they were never brave enough to do anything. Isak (25) is a stressed-out salesman for playground equipment. Even (27) is a freshly educated, burned out and lonely children’s psychologist. They meet again when Sana, Eva and Vilde arrange a Secret Santa party. Without knowing it, Isak and Even end up as Secret Santas for each other and they chat with each other on the Secret Santa App. 

My Very Personal Ski Trainer by Crazyheart (28k words) - This is before Christmas 2016. Even never transferred to Nissen, so he’s doing his last year at Bakka. He has just broken up with Sonja and is recovering from a manic and depressive episode. Sana has invited Even and her other friends to a Holiday cabin trip, and Even needs to get in shape so that he can beat his buddies in Sana’s planned ski race. He tries out a personal ski trainer app and meets the hot ski trainer Isak Valtersen. Even struggles to focus only on the training. On the cabin trip, when Even arrives early, a surprise guest turns up and a snowstorm threatens to snow them both in. Who knows what happens next? 

Under the mistletoe by mazarin01 (30k words) - Isak (23) and Even (24) have been best friends since junior high. The holiday is upon them. Isak hates Christmas, having lots of bad memories attached to the holiday. Even on the other hand loves Christmas, but because of an appendix removal and a closed off mountain pass, he never gets home for Christmas. Being the best friend Isak is, he invites Even to celebrate Christmas with him. Circumstances have them kiss under a mistletoe and neither of them expected the kiss to feel that good... 

(I’ll give it to) Someone Special by nofeartina (31k words) - The one where Isak is oblivious to Even’s true feelings about him, but fortunately it only takes the Christmas holidays to change that. Childhood friends. Fake dating. 

A Thrill of Hope by mlbee (35k words) - “Yes,” Even breathed before pulling Isak in for another kiss. He pulled away and murmured, “This is so weird. I’m kissing a total stranger.” “Really?” Isak asked. “I do it all the time.” The Holiday AU 

Five Dollars by folerdetdufoler (36k words) - You know that one book that changes your life? It just landed in Isak Valtersen's inbox. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas by teatrolley (49k words) - So, here’s the thing: Isak moves out of his parent’s house when he’s sixteen and it’s fine, really, most of the time it’s fine. It’s just Decembers. Goddamn Decembers. They’re not exactly his favourite time of the year.This time, though: this time he think there’s someone who has it worse than he does.On the first of December that year, Even moves in. 

Around the Corner (My Very Personal Christmas Shopper) by Crazyheart (51k words) - Isak (22) works in a record shop for Jonas. Isak’s best colleague and friend is Eva, who works in the shop, too. Isak is still in the closet. He says things as he thinks, though. Doesn't like snowglobes. Even (24) comes and asks for a job. The two get off on the wrong foot, although Isak finds Even irritatingly attractive. To complicate things, Isak has just gotten a personal Christmas gift shopper, who turns out to be a very romantic gift shopper, and who doesn't shy away from a little flirting. Holiday movie AU. 

In this bed of snowflakes we lie by MermaidsandMermen (58k words) - Follow Isak and Even in this University Dorm life AU, full of snowflakes, fluffy pillows, and people who are nothing like they seem on the outside. Because people keep secrets. Pretend to be people they are not. And secrets will wear you down if you don't let them out to air once in a while. 

that’s all i really know by cammm (95k words) - Not exclusively a christmas fic. Even and Isak have been dating for a while now. They met at a young age and sort of grew up together. Even lives and goes to school a few hours away from Nissen, so there’s a lot of commuting for Isak to see his boyfriend. But what happens when Even says he moving? And then he shows up at Nissen a few weeks later, to start school?Only thing... Isak isn’t out, yet. And Even wasn’t ever told that his boyfriend was still in the closet. 

717 Miles by MermaidsandMermen (114k words) - The epilogue is the Christmas heavy chapter. Even Bech Naesheim should not be here. Well it was not his plan to be here. Not at all. Even Bech Naesheim, age 19, is supposed to be on a beach in Bali. He is supposed to be on the first stop on his Asian backpacking trip of a lifetime. THAT was the plan. That is where he is supposed to be. Not here. Alone in a house in fucking London. Being paid to look after some troubled 17-year-old. Isak Valtersen has 3 weeks left of school. He has to survive 3 more weeks. Make it through 21 more days of hell. Then he is going to hide out in his room for the rest of the summer until he can figure out how to get his life back on track. Find a school far far away where he can start over. Not make mistakes. He doesn't need a fucking babysitter. He just doesn't. His life is fucked up enough as it is. 

(WIP) You Are Not Alone by TotallyTinkerbell (130k words) - What happened after Isak told us that 'life is now'. 

Family Ties by sadgrlsclub (215k words) - Set between Season 3 and 4. Even gets invited to his first Valtersen family event, and discovers things about Isak's past and his relationship with his parents. The story of how Even and Isak get to know each other's families and deepen their bond along the way. 

[noonachronicles]

Forget Me Not

Lee Hoseok/Wonho X Reader

Word Count: 22k

Warnings: Tamed usage of curse words. Smut, but cheesy, bad smut . It’s almost like I wrote it bad intentionally? (don’t even read it tbh). Also some of this was written during a cold medicine haze. So any part you don’t like was written while I was on cold meds and/or written at three in the morning and you can’t blame me. Everything you enjoy I was fully conscious for. Also I didn’t proofread this. I tried, but I’m so tired.

Genre: Mostly fluff, some smut, angst? FWB to True Love lololol. 

A/N: Happy (belated) Birthday to my beautiful angel baby, Sara (@memoiresofaneternaldreamer​ ). I’m unexplainably sorry that this took me so long to get to you and I’m grateful for your endless patience with my shit. 🤣 Why you tolerate me I’ll never understand but it means everything to me to know that no matter what’s going on, I can always count on you to be there. For sticking with me through my worst, I wanted to give you some of my best.

Did I also use your birthday as an excuse to write out what is essentially 20k words worth of praise for Wonho based off of the disgusting amount of deeply internalized love I apparently have hidden away for him? Yes. Please don’t tell Changkyun. Now, let’s get to it.

Saturday 

Hoseok 8:40PM: Right. Fucking. Now.

You 8:45PM: k

Monday 

You 9:38PM: Busy?

Hoseok 9:40PM: On my way ;)

Thursday 

You 8:54PM: Now.

You 8:58PM: Please. :)

Today 

Hoseok 9:03PM: Need you.  

Hoseok looked down at his watch as he was stopped at the red light. He'd already sent the message to let you know he was on his way over which gave him about 15 minutes to get to your place before you got too impatient. He had two choices. He could drive straight and make it to your place a little ahead of time. Or, he could turn right and stop at the store to get a bottle of that wine he knew you loved.

When the light turned green he made a split decision and went right. He might be a little late but your irritation with his tardiness would disappear at the sight of the wine.

In the parking lot of the store there was a homeless man begging for change. Hoseok would have to choose between walking passed the old man or stopping to pull out his wallet. As he always did, he stopped. He grabbed a few bills from his wallet to give to the man and talked to him for a while to see if he needed anything from inside before actually going in. He found the wine quickly but then he chose to get something to go with it. He eyed the fresh flowers and picked out a bright mix of spring colors, he knew you’d like those better than something more romantic like roses.

He could hear your complaining already, “You're not my boyfriend. Stop doing boyfriend things. I'll get the wrong idea.”

He could also already see the bright blush on your cheeks as you sniffed the petals and placed the flowers in a vase while he opened the wine. He smiled at the thought of it and made his way to checkout. There he had chosen to stand behind a woman that looked like she was nearly ready to go crazy. Two crying toddlers stomping around in the shopping cart and screaming at the top of their lungs.

Looking at his phone he thought about sending you a message that kids were the worst, but he didn't want you to know he'd stopped. The gifts were meant to be a surprise after all. He couldn't help but listen to the conversation happening before him as time ticked by.

“I'm sorry ma’am, that's still not enough.” the cashier frowned as the mother dug inside her purse for change.

“What if we remove the chicken? So it would just been the rice and vegatables.”

“I can pay for her order. All of it.” Hoseok stepped forward placing his things on the conveyor. “Just add my two items to her order and I can pay for it.”

“Oh, please sir…”

“It's not a handout, there's no need to look so ashamed. It's a gift between friends. Feed your boys well tonight. They're growing after all.” He smiled as tears built in the woman's eyes.

“Thank you.” She whispered, trying not to breakdown in front of her kids. He handed the change from the cashier to the woman who tried and failed to deny it from the persistent Hoseok.

Feeling good, better than good, he made his way back to his sleek, silver, sports car. As he made his way to you he thought about all the choices he'd made that had brought him here and how happy he was with his decisions. Maybe he was running late and going down the road with more potholes than the other but it was worth it. You were worth it to him.

He was nearly to your place when someone else's choices that day changed everything. A delivery driver that had chosen to have an extra drink with dinner. Who chose to take off down the road instead of sleeping it off in the cab of his truck. Who chose to flip through the stations on his radio rather than look up to see the red light. Whose choices brought him crashing into the silver sports car that was on its way to you.

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Downtown always seemed so busy, so alive, especially on a friday night. People out celebrating having survived the work week, couples on dates, college kids looking for a party so they could avoid any weekend assignments until Sunday. The people were often rowdy and loud, the traffic most times louder. Movie theaters were packed and lines at all the best restaurants took longer than the movies lasted. Despite all of that, it had been a really wonderful second date so far. At least that’s what you’d been thinking about as Loey walked you down the sidewalk with his magnificently long arm over your shoulder, talking enthusiastically about the movie you’d just seen together.

“...but, anyway, that’s why I had really wanted to see that one. And I know it wasn’t really your thing, so I appreciate you going with me.” he was saying as you brought yourself back to the conversation. “Did you at least like it though?”

“Umm,” you released a heavy puff of air, “I mean, it was...nice. I liked most of it. There were a lot of, um…”

“Boobs.” he said with a nod, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I swear I didn’t know. I wasn’t trying to like… set any moods.”

You laughed at his genuine nervousness, “It’s okay, I’m not upset. It was just an observation.”

“Well if you were upset and you’re just being sweet about it now, dinner will more than make up for it.” he beamed, “I got us a reservation at the best restaurant. It’s so popular right now, I’m amazed I got us in.”

Your blood prickled in your veins just slightly and you looked at your surroundings. You’d gotten so lost in your thoughts on the walk from the theatre. With his arm around you, you hadn’t even needed to pay attention to where you were walking. The street you were on was familiar, one you’d successfully avoided for months. Your old favorite coffee shop, your old favorite jewelry store, your old favorite bookshop. Everything you’d given up for fear of not having enough restraint to not walk into the restaurant you were walking towards right now. The one with a line of people outside the door, waiting enthusiastically for their chance to experience the best french fusion cuisine in the entire city. The sign above the door, gilded script on dark wood, read La Boucherie. Though to you it might as well have read Turn Back Now in bright, blinking neon lights.

“You don’t seem excited.” Loey said looking down at you with a lopsided pout, “You didn’t happen to go vegan since our last date, did you?”

“No, no.” you shook your head and plastered on your best smile, “This is great. I’ve heard really wonderful things.”

“We can go somewhere else.” he was a puppy, always so eager to please.

You grabbed his face in your hands and forced his big doe eyes to meet yours, “It’s fine. I don’t care where we go as long as it’s together. Also I just want to eat so...”

He clutched at his chest dramatically, “You really are after my heart.”

Once inside the restaurant you tried to keep breathing. Your belly was in knots and you weren’t sure how you were going to stomach a meal with your nerves twisted so tight. There was sweat beading at your hairline by the time the hostess sat you down, but you kept your smile on your face. If he was going to see you here, you were going to look happy. Happy without him.

By the main course you had calmed down quite a bit. Your table was in the main dining area and you knew that on weekends, since they were so busy, he would be working the bar. There hadn’t even been a glimpse of him all night, and the conversation with Loey was going really well. Your stomach aching from laughter rather than nerves. By the time the two of you were sitting, waiting for dessert and after dinner coffee to arrive, you had forgotten where you even were. You hadn’t thought about it at all when you excused yourself to go to the restroom. The restroom that was next to the bar. You’d even made it in and out without a hassle. It was only when you’d walked out of the restroom that your eyes fell behind the redwood bar top. You’d frozen, your heels jammed into some invisible cement, and you weren’t entirely sure you were still breathing either.

Four mirrored panels lined the wall behind the bar reflecting the packed tables, shelves on either side of the mirrors were lined with bottles of the top shelf brands that were offered. Everything else was well stocked, and well hidden, behind the bar itself. It was a sleek look and one you’d always found aesthetically pleasing.

The man behind the bar you’d used to find pleasing as well. His black hair was disheveled. The way you’d used to like, bangs swept across his forehead. They had clearly been busy all night. He had the sleeves of his white button up rolled up to his elbows, showing off the veins in his hardworking forearms. He was helping a customer who had apparently said something funny because you found yourself blinded by his incredible smile. Very suddenly you felt sick.

Honestly, standing there you weren’t sure if you were pissed off or aroused at the sight of him, which only left you more frustrated and flustered than before. After watching him for far too long you remembered Loey and found the strength to leave. At least the strength to get to where the bar met the dining area. It was there you hesitated. You were already here and if you could help it you were never coming back, you’d reasoned with yourself. You would only have this one opportunity to say your peace until you never saw him again. After a deep breath you marched over to an open space at the bar and looked at him expectantly.

He was helping someone new at this point but he noticed you immediately. His smile grew bigger than before and he held up a finger to let you know he’d be with you in a moment. You scowled slightly, having been trying to look angry but wondering if maybe you’d come off as happy to see him. He was either happy to see you or just being his generally happy self. When he was done at the other side of the bar he pushed his sleeves back up and moved over to where you were standing.

“Hey, what can I get for you?” he asked, dark brown eyes sparkling as they looked you over.  

“I don’t want anything.”

A smug smirk spread across his face, “Oh, just came over to see me? I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be.” you snapped, “I just wanted to tell you, I’m here on a date. It’s going really well and I really like him. So I might have sex tonight...with him.”

His eyes went wide with surprise and he laughed, looking both amused and confused by your declaration. “I-I’m...that’s great? Congratulations.”

“I’m really happy now. I wanted you to know how happy I am.” you felt your confidence waiver the longer you stood in front of him. “So that’s why I came over here. To let you know I’m fine, better than fine.”

“Well I am happy you’re happy. I guess.” he nodded casually.

“Yeah, and no thanks to you.”

“Wh- I...I’m sorry. Do we know each other? You seem really mad at me.” he said finally just needing some clarification over this bizarre conversation.

“Seriously?” you scoffed, unsure how much longer you could hold up because you were pretty sure this man was trying to break your heart for a second time. “Are you joking? What...are we pretending like we never happened now? You just moved all the way on from me.”

“I...I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what you were talking about. If we had spent time together, that’s definitely something I would have wanted to remember.” he looked genuinely sorry, which made no sense to you. You weren’t crazy.

“Spent time together?” your jaw dropped to the floor, “I know we weren’t exactly dating but I thought we at least… You know what? Forget it. Just, I don’t know, go fuck yourself, Hoseok.”

You didn’t even give him the chance to process your words before turning on your heel and leaving. You were already almost in rage tears when you’d gotten back to the table. Loey’s smile instantly fading at the sight of you and turning into concern. After apologizing profusely you grabbed your things and begged him to stay and enjoy dessert, promising to call him when you were home. He was incredibly confused but you’d made it clear you needed, and very much wanted to be alone.

You made it out to the curb before the first tears hit and you threw your jacket on before starting down the sidewalk. Behind you there was someone calling for you to stop. Looking over your shoulder you could see it wasn’t Loey, it wasn’t anyone familiar at all so you kept going. You weren’t in the mood for being sexually harassed tonight. He was not relenting, once you passed the second building with him still on your tail you reached into your purse and wrapped your hand around the mace you kept.

“Ma’am! Miss! Please, stop. Ma’am. Jesus Christ, would you stop?” he called behind you.

Finally nearing the end of the block, tears streaking your cheeks, you whipped around furiously. “Listen, you fucking creep, I am clearly not interested. And the fact that you’re chasing after a vulnerable, sobbing mess of a woman really goes to show what kind of sick predator you truly are. Now step back before I mace you until you are forever blinded.”

“Wow…” he said, raising his eyebrows and taking several steps back “Are you done? I’m not trying to fuck you, okay? I saw you in the bar talking to Hoseok. Are you friends with him?”

You calmed slightly, but just barely. “I thought, at the very least, but apparently I wasn’t anything to him but forgettable.”

“Um… okay.” the stranger placed his hands together in front of his mouth, trying to decide the best way to say whatever it was he was going to say. “Here’s the thing. Hoseok was in a really bad car accident. He doesn’t remember most of the last six years of his life.”

“What?” you asked, unsure of what else to even say.

“I know it sounds... nuts. I don’t know what you know about memory loss, but they said he has post-traumatic amnesia. His is a hefty cocktail of retrograde amnesia and short term memory loss.” he shrugged, “The guy doesn’t even remember he was in an accident most days.”

“Fuck,” you muttered looking over this complete stranger, “You are the most legit wingman that has ever existed, but you can go back to your friend and let him know I’m over it. I’m over him.”

“No, listen, seriously! This isn’t some joke. The only reason he remembers who I am is because we’ve been best friends since grade school. I swear on my life, if you come back tomorrow, he won’t even remember tonight happened.”

With your heart pounding against your chest, your first thought was to wonder if he’d really been in some horrible accident. Your second was how you hadn’t been there for him if he was. Tears threatened the backs of your eyes once more and you took a deep breath.

You were pretty sure you knew the answer before the question left your mouth, but you had to ask anyway to be certain. “When was it? The accident...what was the day?”

Before he even got the date out all the way, you knew it was the night Hoseok was supposed to be coming to see you. It had been over a year but that day stuck with you like it had been one of the worst days of your life. It was the beginning of the first time you’d ever had your heartbroken.

Closing your eyes, a few tears fell down your cheeks. It was a lot to take in if it was true. If it was true that meant that he hadn’t intentionally hurt you. You exhaled deeply,  “Thank you... for telling me. I have to go.”

You had already turned your back to him, more than ready to leave, when he said “Are you yeosin?”

“Excuse me?” you asked looking over your shoulder.

“Did Hoseok ever call you yeosin?”

This time you turned all the way back around as you thought back to one of the last times you’d been together.

Postcoital cuddling in his bed, tangled up in the sheets together. He’d been petting your hair, keeping you in a staring contest. Prolonged eye contact was his favorite game to play with you because it never took long for you to get too flustered to even look at him and he reveled in it. You could be anywhere. In bed or out to eat, alone or in a crowded room, it didn’t matter. He’d touch you, something small. Petting your hair, his thumb rubbing circles on your hip, running his foot against yours. Then he’d lock eyes with you and smirk while your stomach got tied up in knots, your core covered in warm honey. The easiest way to get you in the mood.

“Damn it, Hoseok!” you’d whined and then laughed, blushing as you’d finally looked away.

He’d only laughed, pulling you closer, and you’d sunk comfortably into the warmth of him, “Oh yeosin, maybe one day.”

“Why do you call me that?” you’d asked pushing his bangs off his forehead.

“Yeosin?” you’d nodded, and he’d smiled, “Because for me, that’s what you are.”

You’d rolled your eyes at his response, “That doesn’t make any sense. I’m not even your girlfriend.”

“You’re more than that. You’re my goddess, my queen.”

When you came back from the memory, his friend was still looking at you expectantly. You shook your head, “It doesn’t matter. I really need to go now.”

“Please, it does matter! If you ever cared about him at all...please, just please come back tomorrow.”

You sighed, “Maybe.”

“Okay! Maybe, I’ll take a maybe over a no.” he sounded genuinely excited, “My name is Minhyuk. Come straight to the bar tomorrow. I’ll look for you. We can talk.”

~~~

La Boucherie. You’d stood in front of the restaurant window for twenty minutes. Just eyeing the curl and flow of the cursive gold lettering that matched the lettering on the sign over the door. You weren’t even sure why you had come. Still not even positive this wasn’t some insane ruse. All day, and most of the night, you had debated on whether or not to actually show up. It would have been easy to go back and forth for the rest of your life contemplating whether or not you believed the validity of the story you were told. One thing you knew for sure though, for the last year of your life Hoseok had stayed on your mind. And even after months of anger and pain, seeing him had still made your heart race at a different pace than any of the other guys you’d tried being with after him. So you couldn’t help but think that it would be worth it to find out. For closures sake, you’d justified to yourself.

Saturday at the restaurant was just as bad as Friday or worse maybe, you’d thought walking into the thick crowd of people at the door. You told the hostess you were there to see Minhyuk and she waved you into the bar area. He was there, like he’d said, and as enthusiastic as ever. When he looked up to see you his face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. At least someone remembered you. He made you your drink of choice and practically begged you to stick around until he got a free moment to sneak away. You sat at the bar, sipping on your drink and scrolling through your phone. Minhyuk came by often to check up on you and make sure you didn’t need anything. He even made sure someone brought you an appetizer on the house. Nearly every time he passed he thanked you again for being there and for staying.

“You’re not flirting with him are you?”

You had just lifted your drink to your lips for a sip and had to actively try not to choke at the sound of his voice. You eyed him through the mirror behind the bar. He was smiling, head quirked slightly as he looked at the back of your head, waiting for you to notice him.

Dabbing your mouth with a cocktail napkin you turned to look at him. “Excuse me?”

“The bartender. You’re not flirting with him are you?” he asked and leaned against the bar between you and the guy who had been on the stool next to you.

He was so close you weren’t sure you could speak. You put your glass down slowly. “What would it matter to you if I was?”

“It’s none of my business. I know that. I just think there is something inherently wrong with the most beautiful woman in this entire building flirting with him. I felt a moral obligation to object. I say all of this with love, mind you, the guy’s my best friend.”

You placed your hand over your mouth to try and hide your smile, but the blush was already creeping over your cheeks and up your neck. He was a meal standing right in front of you. Tight back jeans ripped over the muscles in his thighs, his white button down from the night before was replaced with a black one to match the jeans. You loathed how impossibly soft, and pink his lips looked as he pouted at you slightly. Not to mention the way he was staring at you like you were the only other person in the world, forget being just the most beautiful woman in the building.

It was unfair, if this was true, you thought to yourself. If he was really standing in front of you looking like that. You knowing how good it felt to kiss those lips and at one point having been able to kiss them whenever you’d wanted. To already know the feel of his hands on your body, but be expected to do nothing about it because if he truly did have amnesia you were certain that kissing him like you wanted to now would be some form of sexual harassment. Even if he wouldn’t remember it tomorrow. Maybe even worse that he wouldn’t remember it the next day.

You gulped, “Well, who would you suggest I flirt with then?”

He raised his hand to chest, “Wow, I’m so sorry. Was I not being as obvious as I thought I was being? Beautiful, you should be flirting with me.”

“Oh, you were definitely being obvious. I just wanted to hear you say it.” you smirked and brought your drink back to your lips.    

“Good.” he held out his hand, “I’m Hoseok.”

You bit your lip, trying to read his face. Did he really not remember you? Even from last night when you’d kind of gone off on him? You placed your hand in his, the feeling was electric.

“I’m y/n.” you said a little awkwardly, thrown by having to introduce yourself to someone who knew you.

“Fitting, a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.” You suppressed an eye roll you would have given old Hoseok. “Would you mind if I sat with you for awhile?”

He still held your hand in his, his thumb rubbing gentle circles over the top. With your free hand you motioned to the now empty seat behind him. He sat down, keeping your hand, and once he was situated he locked eyes with you. It felt hard to breathe, he was the definition of breathtaking. You grew warm all over, like being showered in sunlight. Then you started to feel the all too familiar tug in your belly. The tiniest sigh fell from your lips as he continued to circle his thumb on the back of your hand. You turned away first, per usual. He chuckled lightly as you took a sip of your drink.

“Um,” you put your glass down, “The bartender...he’s your friend, you said?”

He nodded, “Best friend for many years.”

“How do you know him? Do you work here?”

“Actually, I own this restaurant. Him,” he nodded towards Minhyuk, “I met back when we were in school.”

“Oh,” you nodded. Pretending to be impressed by something you already knew was harder than you expected. “How long have you owned this place?”

“Almost six months.” he said confidently. There was a complete and total belief that what he’d said was the truth. It wasn’t. Hoseok had owned this restaurant for over seven years already.

“You’re sure we’ve never met?” you asked curiously.

“Absolutely positive. I could never forget a smile like yours. That way you blush...” he boldly brushed his thumb over your cheek, “I would never forget you.”

He stayed with you at the bar for some time playing with your hand as you tried to casually ask him questions about your past lives together. You focused on reading his face when he answered and it didn’t hurt that his face had always been one of your favorite views. You remained unsure if you were trying to catch him in a lie or were just amazed at the fact that he might have actually forgotten everything. On top of everything running through your head there was also something strangely exciting about sitting there experiencing him flirt with you again the way he had the very first time you met.

If you were being entirely honest with yourself you’d missed him. It had been so easy to be angry and to hate him when you hadn’t seen him for weeks. In your head he had turned into an evil demon monster. Having him sitting right in front of you smiling and laughing, being the sweet and funny Hoseok you remembered, it made you ache for him like you hadn’t done for months.

“Have you ever tried the curry place down on fourth avenue?” you asked. That was the place that you would always order takeout from together.

He shook his head, “No, actually I’ve never had curry before.”

He hadn’t tried curry before the two of you met, you knew that about him. Hoseok had pretty singular tastes and didn’t really stray from what he knew, but you were too adventurous to let that fly in your relationship.

“If you’re ever around there, you should go and try it. It’s really good. I think you’d like it a lot.”

“I actually live right down the road from there. We should go together.” he offered.

“Yeah I think I’d really like that.” you said with a tiny smile.

Sooner than you’d wanted he confessed he had to leave. There was work to be done and he’d already spent a lot of time fooling around with you. The two of you had talked through most of the dinner rush. Although you felt a little guilty, you wouldn’t have changed it. It worked out well anyway because almost as soon as Hoseok was gone Minhyuk had come over, ready to talk. He walked you around the corner, passed the bathrooms. There was a small room with what looked like a lot of backstock for the bar. Kegs of beer, crates of wine. Minhyuk emptied one of the crates and flipped it over, offering it to you as a place to sit.  

“He doesn’t remember anything.” you said quietly, your eyes welled up with tears instantly, the weight of it finally sinking in now that Hoseok wasn’t around to distract you.  “He doesn’t remember us at all.”

“It’s not just you.” Minhyuk said stuffing his hands in his pockets, “It’s really everything. He doesn’t remember his mom's passing. His brother’s wedding. Most days he struggles with the code to his apartment and there have been days when he couldn’t even find the apartment itself. I can’t express how hard this has been.”

“So what, you have to like babysit him?” you asked, “Does he really forget everything, everyday, like in the movies.”

“Basically. I was the only one who could really afford to pick up and leave everything else to be here for him. He was in a coma for almost seven months. I immediately took over the restaurant for him while he was out. When he woke up with the memory loss, I stuck around. He doesn’t question me being here because I actually worked with him when he first opened. Which is about where he is in his timeline, memory wise.” Minhyuk let out an exasperated sigh, “He’s mostly fully functioning now, but he does get confused. He picks up on little things here and there. Usually the more repetitive it is the better he is at remembering. Being back at work really helped. He’s been good at remembering small tasks and it’s stirred up some progress but he’s been at a bit of a standstill lately. The problem with just doing the same things over and over is there’s nothing new challenging him or stimulating his memory. ”

“How long will he be like this? Forever? Why did he regress so far back? Is that common?”

Minhyuk shook his head, “No, the doctor doesn’t think it’ll be forever, but there’s no real timeline. They don’t know why he went back so far, maybe the extent of the damage. Most people only forget until just before the accident. He, his doctor, said that a trigger would be helpful in getting him back but we hadn’t really been sure what that could be. That’s actually why I asked you to come back.”

Pushing himself off of the shelf he’d been leaning on, Minhyuk pulled a phone from his back pocket. The screen was cracked to hell and there were scratches covering every inch. Hoseok’s old phone.

He handed it to you. “You’re the only one he talked to consistently that wasn’t me or his brother. He knew both of us before that six year mark so we don’t really trigger anything new for him. We were thinking...you might be what he needs.”

“We?” you asked absentmindedly scrolling through his phone.

He’d had dozens of conversations but most of them were with vendors for the restaurant or employees requesting time off or reporting an absence.You’d always kind of thought he worked too hard, but you didn’t realize the extent of it. You didn’t realize that he didn’t have anything in his life outside of work, except you. The conversation at the top was yours. He had you in his phone as Yeosin, which you’d never known. The last message was from you to him.

If I ever see your face again, Hoseok, it’ll be too soon.

You gulped, ashamed and embarrassed at how hateful you sounded in your last messages to him. For weeks after the accident, when you thought he’d just been ghosting you. You looked up at Minhyuk ready to explain. To apologize and swear up and down that you weren’t this person.

He shrugged, “You didn’t know.”

Next you scrolled through his photos. It felt a little like an invasion of privacy but you couldn’t help yourself. It was like learning parts of him he’d kept from you before and it was fascinating. You saw his brother at different holidays and special events. A fractured timeline of his niece through the years, from infant to toddler. Pictures of things for the restaurant like invoices, inventory, and what were probably pictures for insurance.

What surprised you was that most of his pictures were of you. Hoseok didn’t do social media, he didn’t really have time. He didn’t even run the media pages for the restaurant, he’d hired someone for that. That meant you’d never gotten to see all the pictures he’d taken of you, or realized just how many the two of you had together. Out to dinner, at different events, at home. There were cute ones, silly ones, sexy ones. An entire history of your relationship. You didn't realize you were crying until tears were splashing down on the cracked screen. You wondered if you had meant more to him than you realized and he’d just never told you. Then again it wasn’t like you’d ever told him what he meant to you either. Suddenly, you were incredibly worried you would never get the chance to know for sure.

“Um, we?” you asked again wiping your face clean and handing him back the phone.

“His brother, me, the doctor.” he said, “We would have tried to get ahold of you right when it happened, but we didn’t even know about the phone until he woke up. It had been lodged in the car, they put in a box with all the other stuff they salvaged. We hadn’t even thought to open it until we realized we needed to trigger his memory. By that time...”

You let out a small laugh, “I had changed my number. I’m so sorry. Have you tried just showing him the phone?”

“Yeah, a couple times. He just got weird and cried a lot. It didn’t really help.” he shrugged, “We think you could help though. You knew him the best during the last few years. I, we, really think you could be what brings him back.”

Thinking about the man outside this room with his beautiful smile and lingering gaze, you knew there was only one option. You looked up at Minhyuk and nodded, “What can I do? I’ll do anything.”

~~~~

It was simple really. All you were asked to do was come around and see him. Come see him and let him see you. That’s what you did and you did it often. Four times a week that first month. At first it was going to the restaurant, hanging out at the bar or eating a meal alone, waiting to see if he would notice you. He did, every time without fail, notice you. Each time he would come over to where you were and confidently make a pass at you. He would offer to comp your meals and buy you drinks. Several times he’d asked for your number. You’d have to tell Minhyuk so he could go back later and delete it, knowing it would be tough to explain why you were in his phone already the next time he asked you for it.

After weeks had gone by and you’d reintroduced yourself to Hoseok for the twentieth time, you and Minhyuk decided you needed to try something else. The two of you started manufacturing casual run-ins. He’d find out where Hoseok was going to be or ask him to come out with him somewhere and tell you where to go. Grocery stores were easy locations and so were coffee shops. You’d always get a little nervous because it was so uncertain how he’d react. The restaurant was more controlled and he was always so confident there. When he saw you anywhere else he seemed almost shy and would really work for it. It was so brand new to you to see him struggle a little.

At the grocery store he’d follow behind you for awhile, gathering courage. Usually if you stood for a while pretending to read the backs of boxes he’d make his way over, pretending to need something in front of you as a way to break the ice. Coffee shops usually meant him sitting somewhere in your line of sight. He’d make big movements to try and catch your attention. Pushing out his chest, stretching out his arms, subtle flexing that left you biting your lip to keep from laughing at how ridiculous of a flirt he was. He’d test the waters by matching your gaze over the tops of his glasses until you were blushing and flustered. Then he’d come over to your table and sit down with a pleased smile offering to refresh your drink.

Everytime, no matter where you were, like a moth to a flame he would find you. At first it was the best feeling in the world. It warmed you every time he’d find you. Everytime you were in a room full of people and the first thing he noticed was you. Everytime he would find a new way to get your attention, introduce himself to you, and flirt with you made you fall a little bit more for him. Then, slowly, it became the worst feeling. It was bitter for you because even though there was clearly something there, you were stuck. You were falling deeper in love with him than you’d ever been with anyone else. You learned and relearned every part of him, and all he ever wanted was your name. It got harder and harder for you to “meet” him, feeling so hopeless, knowing it was all for nothing. Desperate for a break you’d been avoiding messages and calls from Minhyuk for days.

Too frustrated by everything you just wanted a step back. A moment of your life where Hoseok’s face wasn’t the only thing you saw or the only thing you thought about. Work was turning out to be a decent distraction for that. Especially as there was a big opening at the art gallery you worked for in the upcoming weeks that you were busy preparing for. You were actually on the phone with the caterers for the event when you heard the chime of the door opening.

“I told Bianca when we spoke last week that it was eight hundred. Minimum.” you said calmly looking up from your paperwork to the visitor. You placed your hand over the mouth of the phone before saying “I’ll be with you in just a moment.”

Everything stopped as you caught sight of him. He may have had his back to you but that didn’t change the fact that you knew it was him. There was a black beanie pulled over his hair and his ears and he was wearing a leather jacket over a pair of light jeans. There was no reason for you to know it was him from where you were positioned but you did with one hundred percent certainty. You sunk down behind the front desk and took several deep breaths. There had been no plans made with Minhyuk for this, you didn’t even remember telling him where you worked. He had never once told you to expect this.

“Ma’am, hello?” you could hear the woman from the catering company on the phone, “Are you still there?”

“Oh my god,” you hissed into the receiver, “can you please give me a minute. I need a minute.”

You grabbed your cellphone off the desk and pulled it into your lap bringing up the conversation you had with Minhyuk.

You 1:15 pm: Are you here?

It took a minute for you to see the bubble pop up with its three little dots. Or it might have been seconds, but time got strange when you weren’t functioning properly.

Min 1:16 pm: ...where?

You 1:16 pm: At my work.

You 1:16 pm: Min

You 1:16 pm: Did you send him here?

You 1:16 pm: How do you know where I work?

You 1:16 pm: Min

You 1:17 pm: Min

You 1:17 pm: EXPLAIN PLEASE

Min 1:17 pm: Who

Min 1:17 pm: Wtf r u talking about??

Min 1:17 pm: I’m at the restaurant

Min 1:17 pm: haven’t heard from u in a week...

You looked up again to see that he had moved near the back of the gallery, still just observing the art. You could see now that he was wearing his tight maroon sweater under the jacket and your eyes went wide, he looked so good there was no way this wasn’t a trap.

You 1:18pm: Ho! Seok! Hoseok is at my work right now!

The bubble appeared and disappeared four different times and then…

Min 1:19pm: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You 1:19pm: You’re a dead man Lee Minhyuk.

After the message sent you slammed your phone down on the desk and picked up the cordless phone for the gallery.

“Are you still there?” you asked hurriedly.

“Yes…”

“Okay, I’m going to have to call you back. Something super urgent came up, a fire to put out. I will call you back as soon as I can.” the woman on the other end sounded upset but you didn’t have the time to concern yourself with it.

You stood up and smoothed out your skirt before inconspicuously slipping back into the heels you’d kicked off under the desk. After several deep breaths you walked over to where he was standing. He’d been looking at a tall, nearly ten foot tall, narrow painting that you’d had in the gallery forever. He’d seen it before. He used to come in all the time to pick you up from work or to take you to lunch. When this painting came in originally he’d looked it over for a long time and said

“You’re never going to sell this.” you blinked at the Hoseok standing in front of you now, a sincere wave of deja vu crashing over you. He looked over at you and smiled, “I mean, not that I think you’re a bad salesperson it’s just who has the kind of space for it?”

It took an excruciatingly long moment for you to reply as he stood there looking at you, waiting. “Not the first time I’ve heard that. Um, unfortunately you’re not wrong. It’s been hard to move to say the least.”

“If I had somewhere to put it, I’d take it off your hands.” Not the first time you’d heard that either. He reached out his hand, “I’m Hoseok.”

“Hi Hoseok, I’m y/n. Did you need help finding something?” you asked tugging your lip between your teeth.

He shook his head, “No. I actually was just going to get lunch. I liked the way the door looked, thought I’d come inside.”

“The door… of the building?”

“Weird, right? I saw it and it just felt...familiar? Just felt like I’d been wanting to come in here for awhile, and I had the time so here I am.” he grinned. “Do you know any good places to eat around here?”

That earned him a suspicious look. He lived maybe a handful of blocks away from here and you knew his favorite ramen shop was about two streets over. “What are you hungry for?”

“What would you want? If you were going to lunch with me, what would you be hungry for?” he asked.

You crossed your arms over your chest and thought about it, “Anything I want?”

He nodded, “Anything at all.”

“Curry.” you said with a smirk waiting for a groan or a request for something else.

He made a bit of a face and then smiled, “Okay. Let’s go then.”

“What?” you asked surprised.

“Come get lunch with me.” he shrugged as if it was no big deal to ask someone you’d known for five minutes out to lunch.

“That’s bold of you. Anyway, I’m at work.” you said and looked around the empty gallery, “Alone. I can’t just leave.”

He hummed thoughtfully, “How long? How long until you’re not alone?”

“Could be hours.” you lied and looked down at your watch. Your coworker should actually have been back from her lunch twenty minutes ago.

“I’ll wait then.” he said clasping his hands behind his back and moving on to the next piece of art.

You couldn’t move, you just watched him as he walked around the gallery. Never once did he look back at you. He didn’t need to, he’d already seen the incredulous look that you’d had frozen on your face. Finally, after taking way too long to respond once again, you walked over to where he had stopped this time.

“Why would you wait that long just to have lunch with a stranger?” you asked.  

He turned to you with a small smirk on his lips, “I think you’re pretty. I also thought it was cute, the way you were trying to hide behind your desk when I came in. So I’d like to have a meal with you. Also I’ve never had curry before. I wouldn’t know the first thing about what to order, I’ll need you to come with me to tell me what’s best.”  

You scoffed, “You think you’re so charming, don’t you?”

“What, you disagree?” he laughed.

“I didn’t say that.” you blushed and looked away.

You both turned at the sound of the chime for the front door to see your coworker scurrying in. Big sunglasses on her face, big purse on her shoulder, and big phone against her ear. She had a finger raised as if to shush you before you even thought to say anything. The two of you watched her go around the desk to drop her bag off and then click clack her way to the restroom without even so much as a hello.

“Well would you look at that?” he said, “You’re not alone anymore.”

You opened your mouth to say something but thought better of it and ended up just rolling your eyes, much to his amusement. When Mina returned from the restroom she had her sunglasses on the top of her head and was just pulling her phone from her ear.

“Hey, Y/n! Soooo sorry I’m late. We had italian for lunch. I had too many bellinis and honestly the service was terrible. It’s not really even my fault I’m late.” She looked up at you finally and her eyes went wide, “Oh. My. God. Is that H-”

“Hey!” you shouted enthusiastically, “Hey, Mina. Mina...hey! Can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she said eyeing Hoseok as you hurried over to the desk where she was standing. When you arrived she leaned in and said, “That is Hoseok, right?”

“Yes,” you said quietly.

“I can’t really blame you for going back to him, he looks…” she ran her tongue across her lip as she looked over at him. “So good.”

You sighed, “We’re going to go to lunch, so I’ll be gone for a little bit.”

She raised a dramatic eyebrow. “Oh, you think you’ll be coming back to work after. That’s so cute.”

“Mina! Please, it’s just lunch.”

“Just lunch...with that man? I don’t think so, y/n.” she said waving over at Hoseok and he nodded kindly in return, “Yeah, leave your panties here, you won’t be needing them where he’s taking you.”

“Anyway…” you said and grabbed your purse off of the desk, “I’ll be back. Hoseok, let’s go.”

He hurried to the front where you were and went to open the door for you.

“I won’t hold my breath!” Mina called in a song song as you made your way outside.

Lunch with Hoseok had been amazing. At several points you’d questioned why you had ever wanted space from him in the first place. You also realized you’d gotten so good at feigning interest in the things he’d repeatedly told you about himself as first meeting banter. The best part by far had been something new. It had been ordering Hoseok his favorite dish from the restaurant and watching his face explode in delight at the very first bite. He made you laugh so hard your cheeks ached and the two of you ate so much you thought you’d never have to eat again as long as you lived.

Afterwards he asked if you wanted to take a walk with him or if you had to go back to work right away. You didn’t want to prove Mina wrong so you sent her a quick message to let her know you wouldn’t be back that afternoon. You also found a message from Minhyuk swearing he had nothing to do with it, which you ignored. Hoseok walked the two of you down the street to the park that was across from his apartment building. You walked and talked down the bike path and around the small duck pond and then back up again. Finally you begged for the chance to sit down.

Your work heels weren’t meant for leisurely strolls, and you’d become worried they were filling with blood. Though truth be told, if he’d wanted to you would have kept walking for miles, but you were grateful that you didn’t have to. You were grateful he had found an unoccupied bench for the two of you to share. You sat there for some time, at one point the wind picked up and he threw his jacket over your shoulders to make sure you were comfortable enough to stay with him a little longer.  

“I’m really glad I walked into your work today.” he said moving a few stray hairs away from your face. The lights in the park started to turn on as the sun neared setting.

“Me too.” you agreed watching his tongue brush over his lips. This, you’d thought to yourself, would be a good moment for him to kiss you. If he didn’t you imagined you might scream out of frustration.

The two of you sat there for a little while longer, just watching each other. It didn’t have quite the intensity of his staring game, but it still left knots in your stomach. Your whole body was vibrating as you caught him eyeing your mouth. He gulped lightly and it felt like this was it. So you sat still as a statue as he leaned in, worried you might scare him off if you made any sudden movements. He was so close, nose brushing lightly against yours close. Then he pulled away.

“I’m so sorry.” he shook his head, “I don’t know why I did that. We just met, that was really out of line. I apologize.”

You sat quietly for a minute. All of your sexual frustration threatening to boil over. Little white bubbles stacking up beyond your capacity, staying put by nothing more than the grace of god. Looking at his face you knew you couldn’t yell at him, despite the urge to that was tugging at your chest. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know, but this wasn’t your fault either. It wasn’t fair for anyone.  

“I can’t do this anymore.” you sighed and stood up, “I can’t.”

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I just can’t, Hoseok. I’m so sorry.” you said through trembling lips as you pulled his jacket off your shoulders.

He took the jacket from you reluctantly, “It was a mistake, I won’t try it again. We don’t have to do anything, I promise I didn’t expect anything from you. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“That’s the problem!” you groaned in frustration, he probably already thought you were crazy. You thought you might as well get it all out so he could go to bed and forget any of it happened. “I know it’s not your fault, but you can’t possibly understand how hard it is for me to be falling so desperately in love with a man that never remembers who I am! I don’t get to kiss you or touch you like I want, like I was used to. Every day it’s like you’re meeting me for the first time and you would never want to spend time with a girl that desperate that she begs for your physical attention after the first five minutes of meeting her.”

“I…” it was clear he was already confused by everything you were saying but it was too late, you just had to get it out.

“No, I’m not done.” you said lifting your finger, “Because now it’s so much more than that. It’s more than kissing you and holding you. It’s the inside jokes that you’re on the outside of. It’s the memories that you can’t remember and feeling like maybe I made all of it up. Maybe I made us up. Worst of all...worst of all, it’s knowing in the back of my mind that maybe before all of this you could have fallen in love with me too. I could have made you love me and now I can’t even get you to remember me.”

“I don’t...I don’t know what to say.”

“No, I know. I know.” you sniffed and smiled weakly, “I’m going to kiss you. Is that okay?”

He didn’t know why it felt right but he nodded, “Yeah.”

You grabbed his face in your hands and pulled his mouth to yours. It felt so good to have his soft, full lips against yours. He pulled you close, letting you sink into his chest. It was bittersweet. Kissing him again was exactly what you remembered it could be, but that only reminded you how much it hurt to not have it all the time. You left a quick peck of a kiss and pulled back.

“I’m gonna leave. Um, I’ll call Minhyuk and let him know.” You ran your hand over his chest with a sigh, “I’m really, I’m really sorry I wasn’t...strong enough for this. I hope you get to remember.”

“Minhyuk?” he asked still dazed and very much confused, “You know Minhyuk?”

“Yeah, you should call him. He can explain everything.” you grabbed your purse off the bench and slipped on your shoes. Hoseok didn’t know what else to do but stand there and watch you. Everything you had confessed, the kiss, and his feelings on all of it still processing very slowly. When you were ready you leaned up one last time and kissed his cheek, “I really do love you, Hoseok. I wish you could remember that.”

~~~

It was lucky for you that it was the start of your weekend because when you got home and sunk into your pajamas you knew that you’d have been useless if you were forced to try doing anything beyond laying in bed watching sappy romance movies and eating ice cream a gallon at a time. You called Minhyuk to try and explain why you couldn’t do it anymore through hefty sobs but he wasn’t understanding anything you said. You ended up just texting him something of an essay that didn’t make much more sense than your verbal ramblings but you’d figured you’d tried your best and it’s all you could do.

It made you incredibly frustrated, mad, and just generally upset that you had to get over Hoseok for a second time. Part of you wished you’d never seen him again, that you didn’t know about the accident. That you hadn’t spent the last couple of months fruitlessly trying to help him get his memory back. Mostly you just wished that he would come back to you.

Sunday morning you woke up fairly early. You showered and got ready for the day like a normal human being, and made your way down the street to the grocery store. The pretense was that you were going to pick up some vegetables and fruit, something sustainable. Part of you knew all along that you were just going to get more ice cream. As you walked up the sidewalk to your apartment building you saw a familiar face. You shifted your bag of groceries in your arm as you watched Hoseok, wondering what he was doing there.

“Seriously, Minhyuk…” you muttered under your breath.

Hoseok looked completely lost, just slowly spinning around in a circle like he was looking for something specific. As you got closer to him, he stopped. You could see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat with a gulp and you wondered for the briefest moment if maybe he remembered you, if you were the something specific he’d been looking for. You kept his gaze, half expecting him to say something to you. Instead his cheeks grew a shy blush and he looked away as you passed him. Maybe not. The fact that he didn’t say anything to you only made you more curious as to why he was there if it really wasn’t for you. You walked up the few steps of the stoop and tried to juggle your groceries as you dug into your purse for your keys.

“Do you need some help?”

Even though you knew he was there, his voice still took you by surprise. You looked over your shoulder and smiled, “No, thanks. I got it.”

“Okay.” He smiled back lightly and shoved his hands in his pockets before walking down the sidewalk a little ways.

Once you got yourself inside you stopped to grab your mail. You could still see him from your mailbox, wandering around aimlessly. He looked like a sad, lost puppy and all the frustration you’d felt start to dissipate yet again. You let out a long deep sigh as you realized that it was never going to be over for you, not when it came to him.

Leaving your groceries on the shelf in front of the mailboxes you walked over to the door and pushed it open. “Do you need help with something?”

Hoseok spun around with a bright smile on his face. “I don’t know.”

Your eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What?”

“Um…” he looked around the street once more and then jogged the short way to your stoop. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. You ever get the feeling you’re supposed to be somewhere but once you get there you’re not sure what you’re there for?”

“Literally never...done that” You laughed.

“I know it sounds crazy.” He shook his head and looked back up at you, meeting your gaze but this time with more confidence. “I woke up this morning and I knew that I had to be here, that it was important that I come here.”

You gulped, “Like right here, to this spot?”

“I didn’t know, not it first. It was more general. I’ve been walking around this neighborhood all morning and then when I got to this street I just knew I was close and then I got to that light post over there and...can’t figure out where I’m supposed to go. But I know this is approximately where I need to be. I haven’t been able to figure out why. It feels familiar but nothing looks familiar. Does that make sense?”

“Why did you feel like you needed to come here?” You asked leaning against the doorframe.

His smile faltered slightly. “I felt bad, I think. Guilty maybe, like I needed to make something right. My heads been weird lately. I thought I’d know when I got here.”

“Well…” you sighed, had he really come all this way to make up with you without even knowing it? Or were you just reading too far into it? “If you’ve been outside all morning you should come in for awhile and warm up. You don’t want to get sick. I can make you some tea.”

“Really?” He asked, looking thrilled at the idea, “You’d do that for a stranger?”

You let out a small laugh, “Yeah...I’d do that for a stranger. Come on, I’m letting all the hot air out.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” he said slipping inside of the building. He watched as you got your mail, you’d been too distracted by him to do it before. Then he snatched up your bag of groceries before you could, “I’ll carry them. It’s the least I could do.”

“I guess, if you really want to.” you grinned walking over to the stairs.

“I’m Hoseok, by the way.”

You let out a little hum and nodded, “Nice to meet you, Hoseok. I’m y/n.”

Inside your apartment you brought the groceries to the kitchen and told Hoseok to make himself at home as you started the water for the tea. As you waited for the water to heat up you peeked around the corner of the kitchen and watched him as he scoped out your living room. He looked cozy in his old, oversized, black hoodie and a pair of gray sweatpants. You let yourself imagine, just for a moment, how nice it would be to get back into your pajamas and curl up on the couch with him. Luckily the whistle of your tea kettle woke you from your fantasy and you slipped back into the kitchen.

When you came back into the living room with the tea he was sitting in front of your record collection, flipping through the old vinyls. He looked up at you with a smile, “This is really cool.”

You handed him one of the cups and sat down on the floor with him, “It was mostly inheritance from my dad. I’ve picked up a handful here and there, but it was mostly his thing.”

“Can I put something on?” he asked hopefully.

“Sure.” you shrugged and while he flipped through the records you crawled over to the couch and started tossing throw pillows onto the floor in front of the record player.

After you crawled back over you laid on your back with your head on one of the pillows and closed your eyes. You weren’t entirely surprised when the first song started to play. It was one he’d played often when he came over to your place before. A well worn compilation of vintage soul songs, it had been your dads favorite record too. Hoseok laid down on his stomach, tucking a pillow under his chest, and held the tea you’d made in his hands.

When you opened your eyes he was looking down at you with a curious smile, “Is this okay?”

“This is really nice. I like it.” you nodded.

You watched him for awhile as he bobbed his head and moved his shoulders to the beat of the songs, taking sips every now and then of the tea in his hands. He looked happy and content. You thought to ask him what he was thinking about but didn’t want to bother him. When he was warm from the tea he moved his pillow so that he could rest his head on it. Then you watched each other quietly as the music played in the background.  

“Did you ever figure out what you came here for?” you asked.

He smiled shyly and turned his face into the pillow for a second before looking back at you, “Yeah, I think I did.”  

~~~

Minhyuk smirked when he saw you walk into the bar that evening. Without offering you a greeting he started making your usual drink as you found a seat.

“I see you changed your mind.” He said sliding the glass in front of you. “That didn’t last long at all.”

You gulped down a mouthful of the drink and placed your glass back on the bar. “Don’t boast, it doesn’t suit you.”

“What changed your mind?” He asked leaning against the bar top.

“Hoseok.” You answered simply.

“Speaking of, he’s not here tonight. He’s off today.”

“Yeah, I know. I saw him earlier. We spent a couple of hours together.” You cleared your throat, “That’s why I’m here to see you, we need to talk. Something is changing with him.”

“Something good or something bad?”

“Good. I think.” You said, “He came to me today.”

“He usually does make the first move.”

“No, he found me. I didn’t seek him out or make myself available to him somewhere. I got home from the store and he was standing in front of my apartment. He had no idea why he was there, but he came to me. If you really didn’t send him to my work like you say you didn’t, that means it’s the second time this week he’s done that.”

“Hold that thought.” he said and moved down the bar to the customer that had just sat down.

You wondered what it meant, if it was possible it meant that he was getting more memories back. How could he have known where to go if it weren’t for some subconscious memory trying to make its way to the surface. If that was the case then it meant there was finally a sliver of hope that you could hang onto and that’s all you’d really needed all along. A vision of a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Okay.” Minhyuk said sliding back over to you, “I want to get into the Hoseok thing, that’s important, but I also need you to clarify what the hell you were talking about the other day when you said you were done. Can you tell me now without crying? Hoseok seemed to think you were, I don’t know, the way he described it just sounded like you were horny, to be honest.”

Your cheeks burned red as he smirked at you. “No… that’s not… not exactly. I mean, okay, yes. I am… horny or whatever, but it was more than that. It is more than that. I have feelings for him and he can’t have feelings for me because he can’t even remember me. And yes, sometimes I want to kiss him and more-”

Minhyuk snorted, “Kiss him and more. Are you five?”

“Shut up.” you rolled your eyes, “I want more from him but everyday is the first day we’ve met for him and there’s no good way to try sleep with someone an hour after you’ve met.”

“You’ve spent all this time with him and never asked him to smash?”

“No!” you gasped, mortified, “Total time, yes we’ve spent a lifetime together, but he doesn’t know that. From his point of view every time we meet it’s the first time and it’s only for like three or four hours max. No one is just going to ask a stranger to have sex with them a few hours after they’ve met.”

He scoffed, fully amused at your assumption. “Uhhh, false. Guys will. Guys will have sex with women within minutes of meeting them.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“Men are disgusting and I’m a man, so you’re not wrong.” he shrugged and leaned against the bar. He knocked his knuckles against the wood rhythmically as he thought. “How many dates did you go on before you guys originally hooked up?”

“Well,” you flushed slightly. “It was...the first...date.”

He raised his eyebrows at you, “Then what’s the issue? Just make a move already.”

“It was different that day!” you argued. “We met early in the morning and ended up spending all day together. We were with each other for over twelve hours by the time we got to his place. So it was like we’d gone on three dates, just all at one time”

“Okay, then just do that again.” he said as if it was the obvious answer, “It’s not like we haven’t fabricated all of your other dates.”

“This one we can’t. The day we met we were both going to a festival. That’s why it worked out the way it did. It’s not like there are festivals happening all day everyday just because I need one.“

“Festival?” Minhyuk asked looking suspicious. “What kind of festival was this?”

“Just a music festival down by River Park.”

“Bullshit,” he laughed, “Hoseok would never go to a music festival. He hates that crap. He doesn’t even like to go to regular concerts. He thinks they’re a waste of time and money.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you. He was there with me all day.”

“Who mentioned this festival first, you or him?” he asked, clearly not letting it go.

“I don’t know, it was like four years ago!” you said shaking your head, but then you realized you did remember. “It was me. I was wearing  some dumb outfit and he said ‘looks like you’re going somewhere fun’ and I told him about the festival, it’s how we started talking actually.”

“Hoseok, you sly dog.” Minhyuk grinned, “I’d bet a million and a half dollars he didn’t even know about the festival until he met you.”

You shook your head in denial, “He had a ticket.”

“A ticket he could have purchased online, day of the event, using his phone?” your face scrunched in confusion. “It didn’t seem weird to you that he was going alone or not meeting anyone there?”

“Not at all, because I was going to go by myself before I met him that day.”

Minhyuk stopped and looked at you for a long while. It was like he was looking at you for the first time. You squirmed uncomfortably under his lingering gaze. You reached over the bar and grabbed an olive before throwing it at him. “Oh my god, what?

“I can’t believe it took me so long to realise it. It’s so clear, everything makes so much more sense now.”

“What is clear? Make your weird little brain make sense to me!” you complained.

“Hoseok was in love with you from day fucking one.” he chuckled to himself, “It’s why he always finds you. Subconsciously he has to remember. I knew, I knew all we needed was you. We just have to figure out what to do with it.”

“In love with me? Are you kidding? We weren’t even dating.”

“You went to dinner together. You watched movies together. You went to festivals together. You made him dinner and he bought you birthday presents. Oh, and you had sex regularly...What the hell do you call that?”

“Nothing!” you argued, “We didn’t call it anything. That was the point. We didn’t have time for dating and feelings. We were just friends with benefits.”

“Well.” Minhyuk sighed, “We learned two things today. One piece of good news, one piece of bad news.

“Yeah, what’s that?” you asked taking a drink.

“Bad news is you’re a totally useless idiot. Good news is I wasn’t the last one on earth to figure out you two were in fact dating and also in love with each other.”

You rolled your eyes yet again, your favorite thing to do when Minhyuk was around really, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Get your head in the game, y/n!” he said reaching over the bar and dramatically strangling the the air in front of your neck, “He’s in love with you, you’re in love with him. Let’s figure out how to fix this mess!”

~~~

Your hands were shaking as you stood in line for coffee at your favorite cafe. It had taken Minhyuk all of ten minutes to come up with a plan and even though you weren’t sure it was going to work you also didn’t have any better ideas. It also wouldn’t hurt to try considering Hoseok would just forget by tomorrow if everything went to hell. He was standing in line ahead of you getting his coffee, his phone pressed between his shoulder and his ear. You said a silent prayer as he thanked the barista and turned around to leave.

“I’m literally right across the street. It doesn’t make sense for me to not come in today.” He was still on the phone, with who you knew was Minhyuk. As he got closer you took a deep breath and stepped to the side just a few inches. His shoulder crashed into yours. There was the sound of a splash and then he said, “Shit, Min. I gotta go.”

You turned towards him and touched his forearm lightly, “Oh my god, are you okay? I’m so sorry!”

He looked from your hand to your face where he stared for quite some time, just blinking at you. “No. Yeah! I’m fine, did I get you with my coffee?”

“Um,” you looked down at your outfit, “My shoes a little but that’s okay. I’m really sorry.”

“Please,” he shook his head, “It was entirely my fault. I was on my phone, not paying attention.”

“Even still, please let me get you another coffee. Do you have a minute to wait with me?”

Hoseok looked down at the phone in his hand, Minhyuk had said not to come in today, that he wasn’t needed. Looking back up at you he smiled, “Yeah. I have all day actually.”

“Awesome!” You beamed, “I’m going to go get something to clean this up with. Stay here for just a minute, save our place in line?”

“Of course.”

You let out a deep breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding as you stepped away. Phase one of Minhyuk’s plan was right on track.

According to Minhyuk phase one was equal to the first date. A “meet cute at the coffee shop” he’d called it. You were impressed at how everything had happened exactly like he said it would. After the mess was cleaned up and you bought Hoseok his new coffee you asked if he’d wanted to sit with you awhile and he was thrilled by the idea. Four hours of effortless conversation passed. Part of you didn’t even want to move on to phase two, you’d been so happy with how phase one was turning out. Even if you would have been fine joking around and laughing with him in that cafe for four more hours, you moved on with the plan.

Phase two, or date two, was the fall festival down at the park where the original music festival had been. Minhyuk had found out about it after thirty seconds of googling and made a terrible joke about how you’d been wrong when you said there weren’t festivals whenever you needed them. It wasn’t the same exact thing as your first first date, but it could still be a lot of fun if he agreed to it.  You asked Hoseok if he’d heard about the festival and when he said no you asked, ‘even though you’d just met’, if he wanted to go check it out with you. He agreed immediately and the two of you walked down to River Park. A true gentleman, he bought your entrance ticket but you only let him do it after he promised to let you buy him a corndog.

For hours you walked around the festival. You did some people watching, lots of judging and even more laughing. You got on some sketchy looking festival rides and felt grateful every time you walked off of them in one piece. And you ate way too much fried food. Your latest culinary decision had been a pumpkin spice funnel cake and a hot chocolate. Hoseok drank hot apple cider while eating his second corndog of the day. His was a combination you couldn’t get behind entirely, but he seemed to be enjoying it and you loved to see the smile on his face.  

As the two of you walked down the midway you tore a piece of your funnel cake and held it up to his mouth, “So good, try it.”

You bit your lip as he leaned forward and wrapped his lips around your fingers before sucking the treat into his mouth. He hummed as you pulled your hand away, “There’s so much delicious, horrible food here and I must eat it all. Why?”

“I don’t know,” you laughed, taking another bite, “Isn’t it the best?”

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” he pointed enthusiastically across the way from where you were standing to one of those balloon and dart games. “There. We have to go over there.”

You groaned, “Those are just money traps. Let’s go to the fun house!”

“After.” he said grabbing your wrist and pulling you across the crowded midway with determination.

Very politely he asked you to hold his apple cider and you obliged. He shoved the rest of his corndog in his mouth, and was standing with it bulging from his cheek as he dug out his wallet. You watched as he exchanged his cash for three darts. In a manner that was all too serious for you he took his stance. His tongue was sticking out of the side of his mouth as he eyed one of the balloons. One out of three balloons had popped, winning him a tiny plastic toy. Apparently that wasn’t what he wanted because he pulled out more cash from his wallet and exchanged it for more darts.  

It was clear after sometime that you were not going to be leaving that game until he got whatever it was he was after. In the time it was taking you finished your funnel cake and neither of you had a drink left. You’d even left at one point to find a trash, found a clown making balloon animals and purchased a balloon crown. When you finally came back he was still going and you put the crown on his head and told him it was good luck. There was a growing pile in front of him of very cheaply made, small and medium toys. Things were getting tense as he was down to his last few bills.

“What are you even after?” you asked curiously as he received another bunch of darts.

“You’ll see.” he took his first shot, the dart bursting through a red latex balloon. He got the second one too, blue balloon bits exploding with a pop! With a contemplative sigh he looked over at you and asked very seriously, “Yellow or green?”

“Green.” you answered quickly and confidently.

He focused ahead and took a deep breath before throwing the last dart. The point of the dart blasted through the green latex balloon and you couldn’t help but scream out in excitement. You laughed as Hoseok turned and lifted you off the ground to spin you around.

“You did it!” you exclaimed as he put you back down.

“Great,” the carny said with much less enthusiasm. “Toad or bunny?”

“Bunny.” He smiled, leaving his arm around your hip as he waited for his prize.

Both of you watched as the carny grabbed his long hooked stick and hoisted it into the mess of stuffed toads and bunnies above his head. He gave it a little jiggle and the huge bunny in his little velvet vest with his tiny bowtie tumbled from the sky.

“All of this because you wanted a bunny?” You asked shaking your head.

“No.” He handed you the bunny and smiled, “I don’t need a bunny, I am a bunny. The bunny is for you so can take him home and think of me when you see him.”

Your mouth fell in awe and amusement. He was such an incredible flirt and you weren’t sure when you’d started taking that for granted. Giving the bunny a tight squeeze you remembered that he had in fact told you he was a bunny when you’d first met and that he’d said to be gentle with him. At the time you���d thought he was just joking, but you’d been learning more and more that despite his manly physique he was the softest, sweetest man you’d ever met.  

“You’re keeping all of them?” You asked genuinely surprised as he scooped up the whole stack of smaller prizes in his arm.”

“No, not keeping them, but I did pay for them”  he looked over at you and smiled, pleased by the way you were holding onto the stuffed bunny. “Fun house?”

As you made your way down the midway once more, headed towards the fun house, you watched him as he passed out his stack of prizes to kids he saw along the way until his arms were empty. When that was done he threw his freed arm over your shoulder and you blushed into your fluffy, oversized gift. Phase two - second date, was going flawlessly.

~~~

With your arms wrapped tightly around your bunny you stood face to face with Hoseok in front of the exit gates of the festival. People were swarming around you as they tried to leave. Broke teenage couples that spent too much money cheap trinkets and rides all day, parents with pink cheeked toddlers crashed out against their shoulders. You tugged your lip between your teeth, it was time to initiate phase three - date three.

“So…” you said slowly, this was the one you were least certain he’d agree to.  “I know it’s late and we’ve already spent all day together. You’re probably tired of me and want to go home but...my friend is spinning at a club a few blocks away. If you’re at all interested in spending even more time with me, I can get us in. No wait, no cover, maybe free drinks?”

“Ummm.” you were trembling, so nervous he was going to say no. “I was actually trying to think of an excuse to spend more time with you myself, so I would love to go.”

“Oh.” you sighed with relief. You felt warm all over despite the chill of the fall air. “Well, good.”

Before the two of you even got passed the gates he’d scooped up your hand in his and you led him the few blocks to the busy club. There was a line that wrapped around the corner of the building of people waiting to get into the club, but you dragged Hoseok, and Bunho, who Hoseok had named for you, to the front of the line. You dropped your name and were let in without a seconds worth of waiting. You could still hear the groans of the line outside as you walked into the building.

Inside the club was packed from wall to wall. You squeezed Hoseok’s hand as you led him to the DJ booth, laughing to yourself as people stared at the giant stuffed bunny in your arms. In the booth you were greeted by your old friend Hyungwon. He’d met Hoseok before plenty of times but you weren’t worried about him remembering as he met hundreds of people a night and was usually already tipsy before his sets even started. If you didn’t meet him outside of a club he was never going to remember you. After giving Hoseok a friendly handshake, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug as a greeting and told you how happy he was you could make it. He handed over two neon green wristbands that were good for free drinks at the bar, and he promised to take care of Bunho in the booth while you had fun.

“Will you dance with me?” You asked against Hoseok's ear  once you were on the crowded dance floor.

He looked so tense, but he nodded in agreement anyway. You tried several different moves in an attempt to get him to loosen up but you could tell he wasn’t feeling it yet.

Remembering the wristbands you put one in his wrist and the other on yours before shoving him to the bar. There the two of you indulged in several shots of top shelf tequila and a couple of mixed drinks. Within no time at all you both were in the best of spirits and you couldn’t shake the urge you had to dance. You asked again if he wanted to dance and this time he nodded enthusiastically

He held your hips as you both made your way back to the dance floor. It was a tight fit all around but you found a decent spot near the back where there was actually enough space to move. His cheeks and the tips of his ears were pink from the alcohol as he danced with you in the crowded club. You were glad he’d finally loosened up and seemed to be having fun.

You danced for what felt like hours and you wanted nothing more than to keep going. The pair of you jumped around, arms flailing recklessly through the air. He grabbed your hand and twirled you around under his arm several times.

Then he spun you out and pulled you back into his arms. Your heart was pounding in your chest, your chest pressed against his. Both of you were short of breath. Everyone around you kept dancing while he held you close. Not moving, not speaking, barely breathing. Your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt and you leaned in just slightly, testing the waters. He leaned towards you, until your sweaty foreheads were pressed together. Your eyes hadn’t left his lips, but you were hesitating and you were sure why.

“Are you gonna kiss me or what?” He grinned.

That was the invitation you’d apparently needed. Pulling on his shirt you tugged him that half an inch closer until your lips were pressed together. You smiled against his mouth. Really pressing yourself into him, you lifted your hands from his chest to his hair. His tongue brushed against your mouth and you let him in. You tried not to cry as you thought about how this was happening. Not some sad pity kiss in the park. A kiss you both wanted and were clearly enjoying. It felt so damn good. One of his hands slid up your back and cupped the back of your neck. You thought for a moment how you’d be okay doing this and only this for the rest of your life.

That only lasted until Hoseok pulled away from your lips and leaned close to your ear to whisper, “Do you want to get out of here?”

That one single question had an implication that left fireworks going off in the pit of your stomach.

~~~

The walk back to Hoseok’s place wouldn’t have taken that long. Even still he hailed the first cab he saw once you were out on the sidewalk outside of the club, not wanting to waste any more time. He’d pulled you into his lap in the backseat where you kissed the entire ride. In the elevator ride you stood on opposite sides. He held onto the bar behind him as he smiled over at you, anxiously tapping his leg. You peeked at him from between Bunho’s big ears, squeezing the bunny close to your chest. You couldn’t help but giggle at the feeling of anticipation running through you.

Once the elevator opened Hoseok was blasting passed you through the door, gripping your wrist tightly and leading you down the long hallway. You said a silent prayer that he’d get the code right the first time and almost cheered out loud when he did. Finally inside, your purse and giant stuffed bunny were left by the wayside as he pulled your hips towards his own.

His hands slid down your ass and backs of your legs until he’d hooked his arms around your legs to pull them around his waist. You had released several moans into his mouth. The way your body was reacting to his made you feel like he might as well already be inside you. You were feverish, and aching all over for more of him. So close to the release you’d been needing.

“You gotta…” he panted, pulling away from you slightly, “stop making that noise. My jeans are already too tight for that.”

“I can't stop.” You groaned again. Your hands fisted his hair. He let out some guttural noise and pulled away again gasping for air. And you whined, “God, I fucking missed you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” You whispered against his ear before pulling it between your teeth, the way you knew he liked. His whole body shuddered and he slammed your back against the wall for leverage to keep from dropping to his knees. You dropped your legs from his waist to give him a break and he pressed his freed palms against the wall beside your head.

“How are you real?” He questioned as he rested his head against your neck, gasping desperately for air.

“Maybe I’m not.” You panted out your own reply.

“Okay..” he sighed, “I gotta get to that bed.”

Hooking his arms around your thighs he lifted you back up around his waist. You cupped his face in your hands, sucking his swollen lips between yours fervently while he danced the two of you the rest of the way down the hall. The mattress took you by surprise when he dropped you onto it. Hoseok stayed standing. You watched, your tongue passing over your lips, as he stepped back and unbuttoned his shirt before untucking it from his jeans.

You wanted to scream with excitement at the sight. It was really happening, after months and months. First months of thinking he’d just abandoned you. And then the ones you’d spent trying to get him to remember you. It was about to happen, you were here again with him and everything felt somewhat normal. Felt like it had before, when it was you and him, and everything was good.

When you focused back on him you realized he’d gotten down to just his tight black underwear and you gulped at the defined bulge. Feeling impatient you stood up, grabbed his face in your hands, and kissed him hard. He whimpered when you drug your nails down his chest.

“Sit down.” You muttered into his lips, “It’s my turn.”

He sat on the end of the bed and watched you with a giant, beautiful smile on his lips. You pulled your shirt over your head and immediately his eyes were wide. With a little chuckle, feeling quite proud of yourself, you unbuttoned your shorts and dragged them down your legs. When you stood back up Hoseok had his hand on his chest.

“I can’t…” he looked at you with wonder, “I can’t breathe.”

“Please, I’m not that special.” You laughed, thinking he was joking.

He shook his head, “No..I...I don’t know.. I can’t-“

“Hoseok…” you stepped forward and grabbed his shoulders. He looked like he was having a legitimate panic attack. “Oh my god.”

He grasped at you with both hands pulling you forward by your hips. He pressed his cheek against your bare stomach and begged you, “Hold me. Hold-hold me, please.”

Hunching over you wrapped an arm tight around his shoulders, and with the other you massaged his head. “I’ve got you. You’re okay. Just breathe, I’m right here.”

It took a couple of  minutes for him to stop shaking, a little longer after that for his breathing to be steady, and then he was back to normal. He threw his head back and looked up at you. He looked so embarrassed, “I swear that’s never happened before.”

“Are you okay? What happened?” You asked placing a gentle palm against his flushed cheek.

“I saw you and...it’s so cheesy...I guess you just took my breath away.” He sighed, “It was something else though. I can’t explain it right, you won’t get it. I know we just met and this is the first time I’ve ever seen you like this but there was this overwhelming… it was like flashes of you, in front of me like you were but not now, not this moment. It wasn’t deja vu. It was like memories.”

You bit your lip unsure of how to handle what was happening. No one had told you what to do if his memory started to return like this. Were you supposed to explain everything to him? Risk him having another panic attack. If he had questions you weren’t sure you’d have the answers. “Should we stop?”

“God no.” He muttered, he was looking up at you with big doe eyes. “I mean, I don’t want to stop, but if I made you uncomfortable…”

You held out your hand to him and when he took it you pulled him to his feet. You planted a kiss against his lips before dropping to your knees. His eyebrows raised in pleasant surprise. As he stood before you, you tugged his black underwear from his hips, dragging them down his legs. He was already fully erect, his tip glistening.

Moving your hands back up his legs you could feel what you thought was scarring. You wondered if he even knew it was there, how often did someone look at the backs of their own legs. Trying your best to be inconspicuous you leaned in close to his hip and left a soft kiss. From that angle, looking down, you could see the scar. It looked pink and fresh, starting at his hip and following the length of his leg all the way to his ankle.

You rested your forehead against the top of his thigh, trying to keep yourself composed. Every reminder that you could have lost him for good had a bad habit of nearly breaking your heart.

His fingers traced you jaw to your chin and he lifted your face to look at his. “Are you okay? Do you want to stop?”

You shook your head and gave him a small smile, “Hoseok...you’re so beautiful.”

He tried to play it off but you could see very clearly on his face how much he appreciated the praise. You leaned back on your heels. And ran your hands down his inner thighs. He shuddered underneath your touch. Wrapping your hand around his length you leaned forward and swirled your tongue slowly around the tip. You grinned, seeing the muscles in his abdomen clench from the small action.

After one more teasing swirl, you took him into your mouth completely. Hands gripping his hips, you looked up at him through batted lashes. His breathing was tense already, and you wondered what he was thinking about as you sucked your cheeks in. You would have never guessed how desperately he was begging himself not to explode in your mouth after only a minute of your lips wrapped around him. He didn’t know why he was so sensitive, he didn’t know it had actually been a year since the last time he’d had sex.

He palmed your cheek as you bobbed back and forth along his length. Your tongue swirling around him simultaneously and you offered the perfect amount of teeth. The slightest dragging sensation that made his eyes roll back. Professional, was all he could think to himself as he gasped helplessly above you. You watched the heave of his chest, paired with the trembling if his thighs under your hands, and you knew he was close. He closed his eyes and you though for a second this was it.

Instead he pulled his hips away from you and panted out, “Stop. Wait. Fuck.”

“Are you okay?” You asked still concerned over his reaction earlier.

“Yeah I just…” he didn't know how to, or really want to, try and explain the comedic way he was imagining his orgasm would look. Feeling like he was going to blast out like a firehose, spraying your face relentlessly. You running away terrified. Him never seeing you again.

“Hoseok?”

“Just...come here.” He said with a smile and helped pull you to your feet. He kissed across your cheek and down your neck before whispering against your earlobe, “I want to taste you.”

That was a good enough reason for you. An anticipatory groan fell from your lips with such gusto that you felt embarrassed, wishing you could somehow take it back. However, Hoseok loved how much you wanted him back. With his hands on your hips he spun you around so your legs were backed against the bed. He kissed down your neck, across your collarbone and over your shoulder. His hands moving around you for just a moment before you were released from your bra.

You wanted to say something about the ease with which he removed your bra but the dark look in his eyes as he leaned back and slipped your straps from your shoulders left you incapable of saying anything at all. Your lip trapped between your teeth as he leaned forward once more to kiss and suck at the sensitive skin. His mouth left a moist trail all the way down your abdomen to the elastic band of your lace panties. His fingers hooked onto them on both sides of your hips and he tugged until you were completely naked in front of him.

“Sit.” He commanded. You did so easily, your legs bordering on the consistency of jello as it were. He knelt down in front of the edge of the bed and m propped your knees open in front of him. You were leaning back on your elbows, watching him as he dragged his fingers along your sex and smirked, “Hey, y/n…”

“What?” You asked breathlessly.

“You’re so beautiful.” Still smirking he leaned forward and buried himself in you.

Your arms fell weak and you crashed back against the bed as he worked you with his mouth. Just the swirl and dip of his tongue, and the way his lips wrapped around your clit, it was all you needed. In just minutes you were so close. And then he slipped his finger inside of you, then suddenly it was two pressing deep and curling as he pulled them out.

“Hoseok,” you gasped, “I-“

You couldn’t speak, you could barely breathe. Not much more than a mess beneath his touch. With a whimper you reached between your legs, running your fingers through his hair. Your toes curled and your back arched against the sheets. Eyes rolling back, you gushed around his fingers and onto his lips. The sound he made as he lapped up your orgasm nearly had you coming a second time.

When he was done he moved on to the bed, between your legs, crawling up your body until your lips were clashing together. You ran your hands up his back, your fingertips tracing the muscles in his shoulders. Pulling away from your lips he shuddered and leaned back in to kiss down your neck, his lips sucking greedily at your clavicle. Goosebumps raised across your skin from the gentle way he dragged his fingers over your body.

“Please,” you begged with a gulp. It was too much. He was too much.

You opened your hips beneath him as further invitation. He pushed himself up further, to get a better look at you. He ran his hand over your cheek and dipped his tongue out over his lips. His dark bangs were hanging away from his face and when he looked at you, you could have sworn he knew you. Not just knew you today, but knew you deeper than that. It was like he knew you were his. It took every ounce of self-restraint you had in your body not to tell him then and there how much you loved him.

He reached down between your legs and keeping your eyes locked with his he fitted himself against you. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

Your head fell back as he eased inside of you, the feeling was euphoric on a hundred different levels. His forehead pressed against your neck, and tiny grunts escaped his lips. You dug your nails into skin of his shoulders and dragged them down his back.

“God...damn” he gasped before digging his teeth into your skin.

“Over.” you said against his neck.

He rolled over on the mattress, taking you with him. You pushed yourself up, sitting back against his thighs. His hair was a mess and you were sure yours was even worse off. After some slight adjustment you sunk back down onto him and satisfied with the fill you sighed and looked down at him. As your hips rounded on him you moved your hands over his chest. The dip of his collarbones, the rise of his pecs. His hands gripped your thighs so your eyes followed his arms. Fingers to strong hands, hands to tightly flexed forearms, forearms to bulging biceps, and then just his smiling face looking up at you like you were everything.

“What?” he asked as you let out a small half laugh, half moan.

You shook your head, “Nothing, it’s so stupid.”

He moved his hands up to your hips to make sure you kept your pace as he lifted his own hips up until you were gasping from the fill. “Tell me.”

“It’s just,” you blushed from embarrassment, ���you’re so sexy.”

He shook with laughter beneath you and the vibrations left you whimpering. You laughed at the sensation of it and he laughed with you.

You fell forward and giggled through tiny gasps, “Stop...laughing,”

“Why?” he asked, “It feels so good.”

“I know, but I’m gonna cum, and it’s not funny.” you groaned as he chuckled again.

“You’re right,” he said and your stomach tightened at the way he dropped the smile from his face. He moved his hand between your thighs and circled his finger against your clit, “I will take your orgasms very seriously from now on.”

“Oh. Oh my god!” your eyes blew wide as you hit your second orgasm for the night, “Hoseok, fuck!”

He squeezed his eyes shut, his nose scrunched up and he bit his lip as the pulsing from your orgasm brought him to his own. Breathless and exhausted you rested against his chest. You could have fallen asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

~~~

That night you didn’t let yourself fall asleep next to Hoseok, even though a big part of you wanted to. The winning part of your mind couldn’t stop imagining how terrible the next morning would go when he woke up with a stranger in his bed. Especially after the breakdown he’d already had, you just weren’t sure how he’d handle it. So that night you made up some excuse about needing to be up early the next day and went home with just Bunho to keep you company. Then you did it again. Three more times. Three more day long dates with Hoseok that ended in some of the best sex you’d ever had in your life. Each time you ended up being too afraid to stay for fear of what might happen the next morning, despite the fact that every time he’d asked you to stay.

After the fifth daylong date you found yourself dozing off. You’d been laying with your head on his chest, and he was running his fingers over your bare skin. He’d been humming a song for a while, though you couldn’t figure out which one it was. All you knew was that it was soothing. Hitting that moment when you’re just about to truly fall asleep your eyes flew open.

“I really need to get out of here.” you sighed, pushing yourself up and out of his arms.

“What? No, why?” he asked grabbing your hand, “Stay with me, I don’t mind.”

“I can’t.” you looked over at him almost annoyed at how effortlessly handsome he was being. How effortlessly handsome he always was. “You won’t want me here in the morning.”

“Why? What happens in the morning?” he asked brushing your cheek with his thumb.

“Nothing, you’ll just change your mind.”

You sank back down onto the pillow next to his and looked over at him. You didn’t want to leave, and were less worried now that you were feeling wide awake. He placed his hand against your cheek. He locked eyes with you and you couldn’t look away. His face was so serious, the slightest pout on his pink lips. Your heart was beating impossibly fast.

“Stop.” you said gently, trying to match his calm energy.

“Stop what?” he asked raising a single eyebrow, looking almost innocent.

“Looking at me with your face.” he laughed and you felt yourself sink further into the bed at the sound. “Looking at me like you know my soul.”

“You think I don’t?” he asked seriously, quirking his head to the side slightly. “You don’t feel it?”

Tingles shot across every inch of your bare skin. “Feel what?”

“Feel like you’ve known me forever? I feel like I know you already.” he dropped his hand from where it had been cupping your face to your hand and squeezed your fingers, “Stay. Please?”

“Okay,” you agreed, “but only until you fall asleep and then I’m taking off.”

He smiled, pleased with himself, and moved his hand under the sheets. “Are you challenging me to an all nighter?”

“Hoseok!” you shrieked with laughter, feeling his fingers slip between your thighs. You shoved his shoulder but the action barely moved him.

“Come on.” he said leaning close, burying his nose in your neck, “Let me work you so hard you can’t even feel your legs. Then you’ll have to stay with me.”

You let out a half laugh, half groan. Laugh because of the way his breath tickled all the way down your throat, and groan from the feeling of his fingers slipping inside of you, slowly.

With a weak conviction you choked out, “You can try...I guess, but it won’t work.”

Hoseok’s stamina hadn’t been something you’d considered. His plan had worked and you fell asleep while you were still in his arms after the second round of the night.

Shocked was an understatement of how he felt the next morning as he woke up with his arms around you. For a moment he didn’t recognize you, he didn’t remember bringing anyone home or what he’d done the night before that could have lead him forgetting everything that brought him to this moment. A groan fell from your lips as if, even in your sleep, you could tell he wasn’t close enough anymore. You rolled over so that the two of you were face to face and your hand found his waist under the sheets. He was wide eyed and anxious, as he looked down at you, afraid you were going to wake up and he wasn’t going to know you.

Slowly and quietly, in hopes that he wouldn’t wake you, Hoseok brushed the hair away that had fallen in your face. His breath caught in his chest as he started to remember, a smile spread slowly across his face. He leaned in and pressed a kiss against the exposed skin of your neck, then another and another until you were squirming beneath him.

“What are you doing?” you groaned as his lips tickled your neck.

“I’m awake, y/n. I need attention.” he whined.

Not ready to wake up, you kept your eyes closed as you moved your hand up the warmth of his back. The sheets were so soft and his hands were so strong, gripping your hip. Everything felt so normal. Hoseok was awake and he remembered who you were.

Hoseok was awake and remembered who you were. Your eyes flew open and you sat up in bed taking in a quick gasp of air.

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok asked, “Did you forget where you were?”

Biting your lip, you looked over at him stretched out over the white bedding. Not where, you thought to yourself, but when.

“Yeah,” you smiled and laid back down, “or something like that, but just for a second.”

He hummed and slipped his arms around you, pulling you closer. “You were wrong, by the way.”

“About?” You asked, so comfortable you could have fallen back asleep.

“You said I’d change my mind about wanting you here.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t.”

It hadn’t been completely intentional, but the two of you spent the rest of the day together. Most of the day was spent in bed, which you’d had few complaints about. Later in the afternoon, ever the gentleman, Hoseok drew a bath for you to enjoy while he went down the street to pick up some food. You knew he’d probably intended on you staying relaxed in the water for longer than you did but you found yourself a little too restless to stay still for too long. For a while you meandered his apartment, not really looking for anything since you’d mostly seen all of it before. Back in his bedroom you raided his drawers finding the oversized sweater you’d seen him in and a pair of boxers, which surprised you since you’d never seen him wear them before. You dressed yourself in your findings and continued to walk around the apartment as you brushed your hair with his comb.

When he finally returned he found you in the cupboard searching for something unhealthy to snack on and disappointed that there was nothing. He’d brought back...everything. Hoseok realized when he’d gotten downstairs that he had never asked what you might want, so he just went to a bunch of places and hoped that he’d gotten something you’d like. Luckily, all of it was stuff you liked. Together you took refuge on the couch and devoured nearly every bite of food he brought home. As the hours ticked by and the afternoon inched into the evening you started to worry again. Worry that you’d have to leave him soon and that if, or more likely when, you finally did he’d only forget you again. However, as your movie binging, makeout marathoning continued on his couch, he never once asked you to leave. He didn’t even suggest it. Instead, as you tucked into him, what he did was run his hand up and down your back until you’d fallen asleep on his chest.  

It surprised you when Hoseok wanted to spend the next day with you as well. This time the two of you actually left the apartment. You’d gone to enjoy a late brunch. Afterwards you strolled around downtown. You stopped at several department stores to warm up but mostly you liked to go into designer boutiques and guess the prices of their ugliest pieces. Once your cheeks were permanently sore from laughing he brought you home, stopping on the way to grab dinner.

Sitting across the table from him made you sad because you realized that you couldn’t continue to spend all your time with him. This had been the longest amount of time you’d ever spent with him, even before the accident you were never really together for more than a couple hours, a day at the longest. You’d imagined you’d have gotten tired of him or he would have gotten bored of you. You thought, especially since you’d relived the beginning of your relationship a hundred times already, that he wouldn’t have anything new to offer but he kept you on your toes.

You stuffed your mouth with rice and curry, to avoid having to answer any questions about the change in your mood. You were just sad imagining being alone and worried that the second you left he would forget you and you’d have to restart this whole process over again.

When you finally told him you had to leave he looked equally sad. You knew it that it would be awhile until you could see him again. The event at your work was happening this week and you were going to be outrageously busy until it was over. You’d told him it would be at least a week until you’d be free to see him again. When you told him that he kissed you for a really long time in front of the cab he’d called for you. You were sure that if the meter wasn’t already running that the driver would have left you on the sidewalk, your mouths glued together.

He sighed when he finally pulled away, “Do you think that’s enough for a week?”

“No.” You laughed, “That’s not enough for even a day.”

“Glad you agree.” He grinned and leaned in to kiss your cheek. “We’ll just have a lot to catch up on when we see each other.”

“Coffee right?” You asked, “The cafe where we met. Sunday morning.”

“Sunday morning.” He confirmed.

“You won’t forget?”

He shook his head, “I won’t forget.”

“Hoseok,” you said in a whisper. He raised his eyebrows expectantly, “don’t forget me, okay? Promise you won’t forget me.”

“How could I ever forget you?” He laughed like it was ludicrous.

“Just, please. I know it sounds silly but will you just promise me?” you basically begged.

“Hey…” he cupped your cheeks in his hands and smiled brightly, “I promise, I will not forget you.”

~~~

Preparing for your work event was excruciating. It would have been regardless but it was more so because you spent every second you weren’t thinking about work thinking about Hoseok and whether or not he’d forgotten you yet. You’d removed your number from his phone before you’d left him, just in case, so if he’d wanted to get a hold of you he couldn’t. With barely a second to even eat or shower between preparations you definitely didn’t have a minute to contact Minhyuk to find out if he knew anything about Hoseok’s current memory status.

Saturday night, after the last guest left the event, the caterers drove off with their equipment, and the tables and chairs had been stacked and made ready to be picked up in the morning your shoulders finally fell with some relief. You’d been slightly worried you still wouldn’t be able to sleep before your meeting with Hoseok in the morning but your head crashed down on your pillow before you’d even taken off your heels.    

The cafe was busy for a sunday morning but you’d gotten there early and grabbed a coffee and a table. Hoseok was right on time, he looked amazing and there was nothing more you wanted to do than to kiss him but you waited instead. Waited to see what he would do when he saw you, because he always came to this cafe and him being here didn’t necessarily mean anything. For a blink you thought he was looking at you but you couldn’t be sure, and he walked passed your table to the counter without a word.

You watched out of the corner of your eye as he turned around a few minutes later, coffee in hand. It looked for a moment like he was headed straight for your table but instead he moved just passed it. He sat at a table across from you and opened his book, not unlike he had done a dozen times before. When he caught you looking at him he smiled kindly, which he’d also done plenty. You were becoming more and more certain that he’d forgotten you, like he’d definitely done before.

Feeling a little heartbroken your shoulders slumped. Part of you wondered if it was all the way back to square one, which meant hopelessness. Or, you wondered, maybe if you just spent every single moment together for the rest of your lives he’d be able to remember you. The thought alone was exhausting, but a big part of you thought you could manage it.

“I hate to bother you,” you looked up to see his smiling face, coffee in one hand and a book in the other, “but can I use that chair or are you waiting for someone?”

“Oh, go ahead, I’m not using it.”

You expected him to drag the chair away, like people usually did when they asked to use chairs, instead he sat down on the seat and placed his coffee on the table. He crossed one leg over the other before opening his book.

He grinned over at your confused face, “Sorry, I just felt like it was selfish for us to be using up two tables when we can just share this one. I won’t bother you.”

Unsure what to say you looked down at your book. You read nothing, you couldn’t focus long enough to comprehend the words. Sniffing with eyes brimmed with tears you were trying desperately not to cry out of frustration. You just wanted to stand up, grab his shoulders, and scream Remember Me!

“Rough story?” He asked.

You looked back up at him, “What?”

“I know I said I wouldn’t bother you but,” he nodded towards your book, “you look upset, pretty emotional story?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, “it’s devastating. Might be the worst love story of all time.”

“Why read it then?”

“I can’t seem to let it go, no matter how much it hurts.” You wiped your cheek and looked back down at the book.

The table fell into a comfortable silence, and you were able to calm yourself enough that you didn’t feel on the edge of an emotional breakdown. You hadn’t noticed, but Hoseok hadn’t looked back at his book. Not once. He’d been too preoccupied watching you.

After quite some time he finally leaned forward, planting his elbows on the table. “Y/n, can I ask you a question.”

“Of course.” You said looking up at him expectantly.

He looked almost sad, “Who hurt you?”

You leaned back, feeling slightly attacked by the question. “Excuse me?”

“Who hurt you?” He repeated.

Suddenly your brain seemed to start working again and your eyes went wide, “You said my name.”

“I can’t believe you really thought I’d forgotten you!” He exclaimed in disbelief, “What person on this planet made you feel so forgettable because I have a few choice words for them.”

This time you were really going to cry, but you had to keep it together. You wouldn’t just be able to explain to him why it meant so much to you that he remembered who you were. At least, you thought, you couldn’t do it without Minhyuk. He watched fascinated by how every part of you lifted and brightened in just the blink of an eye.

“You really remember me?” You asked.

“Well, I did promise you I would, didn't I?” He smirked over at you.

You bit your lip, “Tell me what you remember about me.”

He laughed and then realized you were being serious. “That’s such a weird request.”

“Please?”

“I remember a lot about you.” he looked you over for a second and dragged his bottom lip between his teeth, causing an instant blush to cross your cheeks, “like how soft your hips felt, especially when you had just gotten out of the bath. I remember how cute you looked in my sweater, and how you look even cuter when you stuff your cheeks with rice. I remember the way your hair smelled when you fell asleep on my chest. The way you taste, I remember the way all of you tastes.”

“Oh.” You let out a soft breath, not having expected that answer. He laughed at how immobile you seemed.

“I also remember that work project you had that kept us apart all week. How’d that go?”

He remembered you. So many thoughts rushed through your head, so many feelings and you felt incapable of expressing any of them properly. Instead you told him all about your hellish week before asking him about his and then making plans to spend the day together.

~~~

Minhyuk had been so thrilled by your news about Hoseok that he’d dropped the three hundred dollar bottle of tequila he’d been holding. He grabbed your face and kissed you right on the mouth he was so happy and all you could do was laugh because you knew the feeling well. The two of you discussed for a long while the best way to tell Hoseok about everything, deciding ultimately to wait until you knew for sure his memory lasting wasn’t a fluke. The decision had been Minhyuk’s. It had surprised you at first, until he explained that he’d already had to remind his best friend of the accident hundreds of times before and it never got any easier. He wanted to make sure this time it lasted.

You’d told Minhyuk to take his time, that the time of the reveal would be up to him. You had felt bad at first. It felt like you were lying to Hoseok whenever you were with him. Keeping a secret that affected him so deeply. Then weeks had passed and you found yourself too distracted by life with Hoseok. It had been three years. Three years of his demanding hands all over your body. His desperate and needy late night requests for your attention. Never spending more than a day together, rarely spending time overnight. Dates hadn’t been called dates, it was just hanging out. You had never been his girlfriend and he wasn’t your boyfriend. This time with him was different, it was better. It was date night’s and entire weekends together. And when Hoseok told you he wanted you meet Minhyuk and you asked him why he said it was because he thought it was important that his best friend and his girlfriend got along.  

After a delicious dinner at the restaurant and probably already too many drinks the three of you went back to Hoseok’s for more drinking and hanging out.

He’d been so affectionate all night. Holding your hand, kissing your shoulder, always making sure that you were comfortable and having a good time. Back at his place he’d grabbed your hand and led you over to the couch, he crashed down onto the cushions and pulled you onto his lap, “This has been the best day. Might as well be my birthday.”

“I’m glad you’re so happy, Hoseok.” You said before pressing a kiss against his cheek.

He looked over at Minhyuk who had walked over slowly, thoughtfully, “I’m glad you two get along. I hadn’t really been worried, but it was important to me.”

Min smiled at Hoseok and then looked over at you, “I think we should do it now.”

Hoseok looked between the two of you slightly confused, you leaned in and kissed his cheek once more before standing up from his lap. You weren’t sure where to go, you’d wanted to give him space but you also wanted to be there for him at the same time. Minhyuk sat beside him on the couch. Hoseok reached out, solving your dilemma for you by grabbing your hand, you weren’t going anywhere. You sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of him.  

“What’s going on? Why does it feel so serious?” he looked over at you, he seemed almost scared so you squeezed his hand.

“Hoseok,” Minhyuk took a deep breath and exhaled, “You were in a bad accident.”

It was crushing to watch the myriad of feelings that crossed his face as Minhyuk went over all of the details of his accident, and then his recovery. He was so hurt, scared, and confused by all of it and what it meant. Tears fell down his cheeks as Minhyuk showed him pictures of his demolished car. Pictures of him bandaged and broken in the hospital bed during his coma. The stitches that had been taken out long ago and scars that were now hidden underneath the hair that had grown back. The x-rays of the plate in his leg. He squeezed your hand tightly through every step of the timeline. Finally nearing the end there were pictures of him after he’d woken up, when he was going through physical therapy. Your heart went out to Minhyuk who had retold Hoseok about his accident every single morning when he’d had panic attacks from waking up in the hospital.  

“...up until a few weeks ago you’d had short term memory loss.” Minhyuk had finished telling him almost everything he needed to know. “Since it finally seems like your memory might be sticking we thought it was time to tell you what happened again.”  

For the first time in almost an hour he dropped your hand. He ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh before looking over at you, “We didn’t just meet, did we?”

“We did, it just wasn’t for the first time.” you said in barely a whisper as Minhyuk handed him his old phone.

His forehead scrunched in confusion as he quietly scrolled through the photos on the phone, “Were we dating...before the accident?”

“Sort of. I’m starting to think we made it more complicated than it needed to be.”

“This was over years. We’ve been together for years.” he looked up at you expectantly. “Are we in love?”

“I think so.” you wiped a stray tear from your cheek, “We’ve never said it to each other but I think we are.”

The table vibrated as your leg bounced anxiously. You watched Hoseok scroll through the conversations on his phone. He spent a long time on the one he’d shared with you. It looked like he’d tried scrolling all the way back to the beginning of the conversation before reading it all out. He stared at the phone so long without moving the screen went black and he just kept staring. Finally he dropped the phone on the couch between him and Minhyuk. When he looked up at you his lips were trembling. You knew he was about to cry and you didn’t know what to say.

“Hoseok-” you started.

“You were so mad at me.” he said cutting you off.

“I didn’t know. I never would have said any of that if I’d known. I swear.”

He slipped down off of the couch in front of you and dropped his head in your lap. His arms wrapped around your waist and you could feel him crying. You looked at Minhyuk wide-eyed, unsure of what was happening, hoping he’d have something to offer but he only shrugged. You rubbed your hand over his back gently.

“I’m so sorry.” he mumbled into your lap.

Still confused and concerned you continued to rub his back, “Wait, why are you apologizing?”

“I hurt you so much. I’m so sorry.” he said as he cried even harder.

“Oh, Hoseok. No, it wasn’t your fault.”

He tightened his arms around you, pulling you closer. His face pressed against your stomach. “I almost lost you forever.”

You hunched over him awkwardly wrapping him up in a hug, “No, baby. You would have found me. You always find me.”

Minhyuk leaned back against the couch with a small smile on his face, “Physically, he is stronger than steel. Emotionally, a baby bunny.”

“Don’t listen to him.” You whispered against the top of Hoseok's head. He just squeezed you tighter.

~~~

“I can’t believe you cheated on me.” Hoseok said dropping his keys on the counter.

It had been a few weeks since you’d told him about the accident, and he’d been getting memories back ever since. Minhyuk and you told him all of the really big events that he’d forgotten and that seemed to open the gates as the rest of his memories came flooding back. More and more every day. Some of them were beneficial. Some of them, you were finding were just embarrassing for you, which Hoseok loved.

“What are you talking about?” you nearly shrieked, hanging up both of your coats on the rack.

He turned around and looked at you with raised eyebrows, “Don’t try and tell me you weren’t with other guys the entire year we were apart. You even told me you were going to sleep with that guy you were on a date with.”

“You remember that?” you asked surprised, “I barely even remembered Loey.”

“Too many notches on your bedpost?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and the tiniest smirk.

“Hoseok…”

“I however was not with anyone else,” he yelled dramatically throwing his arms in the air, “because I was in a coma!”

“It’s not funny.” you frowned, “If I could go back…”

“Yeooooosin.” he sang, pulling you into a hug. He kissed your neck in quick little pecks until you were laughing in his arms, “I’m just kidding.”

You ran your hands up his back and over his broad shoulders, squeezing him tight, “I don’t like that joke.”

He leaned back and kissed your forehead. “Okay, I’ll think of a new one.”

You hummed, with a purse of your lips at him and went into the living room where you plopped onto the couch and waited for your very attention needy boyfriend. When he finally arrived he was carrying wine glasses and a smile on his face.

“I also can’t believe you stuck it out with me. That must have been so hard. Why did you do it? For months and months.”

You looked over at him, accepting the wine glass, and laughed to yourself. “Isn’t it obvious? You have a really hot body and a lot of money.”

He clicked his tongue in annoyance, “Just confess that you love me.”

“Never.”

“Well I can’t until you do. So I guess we’re just at a standstill.” He pouted.

You took a quick gulp of wine before placing it on the coffee table. He came around, set his glass next to yours and stretched out on the couch, laying his head in your lap.

“I keep waiting for you to kick me out.” you said quietly, running your hand through his hair.

“Why would I ever kick you out? Why would I ever want this to end?”

“You have your memories back now. I figured it’s only a matter of time until you remember that we were never really like this before, and how you don’t really want to be couple-y with me.”

Hoseok popped up from your lap, and stared at you from the other side of the couch, “Yeah… I have my memory back, which means I remember you never wanted to be in a relationship with me.”

You scoffed at the accusation.” Hoseok, you said you didn’t want to really date because you were so busy with work all the time and you felt it would be unfair.”

“I only ever said that because you always told me not to get confused about what we were doing with each other.”

“Hoseok!” you practically screamed, eyes wide in shock, “I said that because I wanted you to think I was still just a chill, down girl, like I was when we met. Then, I don’t know, you made me want more. I didn’t want to scare you off with all my feelings or by being too clingy!”

“Y/n! Are you kidding me?” he screamed back in frustration.

You watched as he jumped from the couch and stormed out of the living room. As you waited you stood up, this felt like a fight and you felt too vulnerable sitting down.

He stomped back into the room with a low growl, and a small black box in his hand. “I have been in love with you forever, you idiot. I just kept waiting for you to finally get to where I was so I could tell you. Waiting for you to love me back so I could give you this!”

Your eyes went wide and your body tensed as he went to open the box but you relaxed at the sight of the brand new silver key. “Is that a house key?!”

“Yes! I love you and I want you to live with me!” you’d yelled at him so he felt it was only appropriate to yell back.

“What the hell? I’ve loved you for so long! You thought I would just hang out here for months when you didn’t even know who I was because I just wanted to be fuck buddies again?!”

“No!” he shouted, albeit confused, “Why are we yelling!”

You threw your hands up, “I don’t know!”

“You started it!”

“Yeah, because I love you!”

“Well I love you too!” he yelled one last time and then smiled, “...so come here and kiss me already.”

He closed the box with the key and tossed it onto the table as you moved towards him, throwing your arms around his shoulders and meeting his lips with yours.

You smiled against the kiss and mumbled, “You’re so stupid.”

“And yet you’re the one who loves me.” he mumbled back. He sat back down on the couch, taking you with him. Your knees landed on either side of him as you sat on his lap, and leaned into the kiss. He let the kiss go on for some time before pulling away, “I love you, seriously. Be my girlfriend?”

“I was already your girlfriend.” you laughed, moving back into the kiss.

He pulled away again and you groaned, “And move in with me?”

“Obviously! Yes.” you landed the smallest kiss on his lips before he pulled away again, “Jesus! What?”

“Marry me?” he grinned.

Your eyes blew wide and you slapped his shoulder, “Hoseok!”

“Yeah, you’re right, too soon. We should date for awhile. Maybe move your stuff in first, and then I’ll try again.” he reasoned.

He caught your eyes with his and you knew he was playing his game, his battle of the wills. His face mostly neutral except for the pout that accentuated his lips and the clear amusement that glistened in his eyes as he waited for you to crumble.

Dragging your teeth across your bottom lip you grinned, “Ask me again then. When I’m all moved in, and we’re laying in our bed. I’ll have my head on your chest and you’ll be doing that thing where you drag your fingertips over my back. Ask me like that.”

His eyes scanned yours for a long while after you’d stopped talking as he tried to figure out if you were serious. Then, as if he’d been replaying the words over in his head until he finally believed them, he turned his face away. Breaking contact because the joy he’d felt looking at you had become too overwhelming.

With a small laugh you leaned forward and kissed his exposed neck before resting your head on his shoulder. “I win.”

He hummed in agreement, “Yeah, but I win too.”