#and yes I know that the in-text reason was because of their shared grief on Kon but it's still just not it

[sbd-laytall]

Their friendship is so sweet, and I can't get enough of it.

Young Justice (1998) #50

[the-artist-grimm]

Im sorry if you already answered something similar but does the twins ever reunite with Forneus in your au? If so how does it exactly work out, does Narinder, Anthea, and Forneus share custody?

Crimson Angel AU - The Situation between Forneus and the Twins

(Anon, @gerroacarnival  and @xquaserh Putting all these asks in 1 cause oh boy this is a COMPLICATED question to answer oof. I wanna preface this that while I love Forneus just going by the characters personalities/themes of this AU the reunion is not as fairy-tale happy as it is in game)

Anyway-the boys do reunite with her technically, but not in the way Forneus dreamt. Reunions are good in theory, the long lost children reunite with their ‘real’ family, hug their mother, go ‘home’ with her, start life anew, but life isn’t so simple, now is it? It’s never that easy, not when one side clings to the memory of three day old infants and a reunion she'd dreamt of for so long it just became her expectation, and the other side has no memory and complex feelings on the whole matter with this slight feeling that perhaps while their mother loves the idea of them, she doesn't actually love them.

It's messy, complicated, and no matter what, will NEVER be the reunion Forneus wanted. The second they left her embrace, she lost the chance to be the mother she'd wanted to be for them, yet never realize till too late what else died with them.

(Putting this under the cut cause it's longgggg. The Twins and Forneus's story has so little in-game text that it's become this favorite thing of mine to interpret/expand)

The Two Parents

Forneus did and didn’t have a choice to give the boys up. When Shamura appeared, the newborn, extremely premature kits were already doomed to die, so the choice to either let them pass naturally or to allow War to take them as gifts with a potential of reunion was an either damned if she did or damned if she didn’t, situation. And in her grief and desperation, she chose the option that gave the potential for hope. She gave the twins to Shamura, accepted the golden skull, and waited. Waited for her babies to come home, waited as a mother who never really ever had a chance to be a mother-one who works off feelings but no experience. 

Meanwhile when it came to Aym and Baal, Narinder never told them who their parent(s) were. How could he, when he himself had no certainty as to who they were? Though his 7th Vessel, Forneus, had left service specifically because of pregnancy, he had no means of tracking how much time had passed since when they first arrived (it could've been a century since for all he knew), nor any means to confirm without doubt that the black, newborn kittens were hers even once his next vessel gave him the date-he couldn't ask them to investigate something so personal and unrelated to their cause.

Their box held only their bodies, a spider-silk cloth which was their burial shroud, and a note penned in Shamura’s hand. ‘A Gift’ that’s all the note said. No names, no clues, no nothing. While Narinder had suspicions, he could not in good conscious tell the boys of a potential mother out of risk of being wrong-of getting their hopes up for a heroic parent only to be proved that it wasn’t her, or worse, told heroic tales just to learn they were abandoned all along. Vessel 7 was heroic yes, had a sense of justice yes, but during her service her luck had made her grow arrogant, had transformed flirting into a game of hearts and people into a way to get the upper hand-for all he knew, if they were hers, they could've all along been her means of trying to easily get out of vesselship. He just didn't know.

And thus Narinder raised them from there. He tried to use the title of ‘Master’ as a barrier in hopes that, if they did have a family awaiting them, he wouldn't take their place, (it was also out of guilt for being the reason they were trapped) but he also couldn't bring himself to fully shut them out either. The moment their dead bodies healed in the gate and they started to mewl for attention his unbeating heart bled for them, and he just couldn't deny them love because he knew how much it hurt to be without.

The Twins

As centuries passed Aym and Baal were content with Narinder as their 'Master'. He who told them stories of his time above, who taught them how to fight, who fashioned them clothes from whatever scraps of cloth he would get vessels to send-he was all they had and knew. When they felt the time to sleep it was in his paws they curled up, when they got hurt training or got bored it was from he they received comfort and attention. It was his magic which allowed them to age against the Gateway's stasis, it was he who saw their eyes open, watched as they learned to speak and walk.

But that’s not to say neither did think of whoever was left behind from time to time. Baal tried to keep hope that he and his brother were taken-stolen by the Bishops, with whatever parents they’d had having desperately tried to keep War away. Aym, meanwhile, only felt anger, bitterness and resentment, for who lets two three day old kits be taken and sacrificed? Narinder himself simply tried to keep neutral on the subject, not wanting to feed into either side in hopes that'd avoid a heartbreak or the smooth transition to their 'real' kin.

The Lamb

When the Lamb appears and starts to befriend them, it's then the boys suddenly find themselves feeling the same sense of security and comfort Narinder gives them towards Anthea. As the lamb brings them toys and books catered to their interests, teaches them to read, uses the crown to show them the world above and encourage their boundless curiosities. As nights suddenly see the lamb visit in their nightgown book and quilt in hand, letting the twins snuggle into their sides as the three are cradled against Narinder's chest while reading a book, and the boys fall asleep to a heartbeat for the first time. Narinder had always been stability and security, Anthea became tenderness and warmth.

Anthea teaches them what a 'Father' is as well, and the boys realize that's what their master actually is-he's their dad and tentatively start testing calling him as such, and while it's not until just before Silk Cradle they realize it (yet don't call them Baba yet) Anthea's long on their way to feeling like a parent too.

Which then begs the question…what of the parent(s) left behind?

First Contact

Baal still wants to meet them, he's always been curious and just wants to know who they are, while Aym is still angry and wants nothing to do with them. They got a parent in their master, and Anthea's their friend and practically a parent too, so why bother with the ones who abandoned them? Narinder overhears the boys debate over it more and more, and as Anchordeep’s door opens, Narinder hesitantly asks the Lamb for a favor.

He’d heard rumors of a shopkeep she-cat who wore a golden skull, and Anthea had been the first to confirm that cat's name was Forneus. He’d never asked a vessel to do such a thing before, mainly out of not feeling close enough to ever ask such a personal, unrelated to the Bishops, task, but he wants to give the boys closure, and Anthea would happily do anything to help the kits. And thus they're sent out, and in a bit of a side quest work their way to getting Forneus to sit down and just...talk.

She explains her side of what happened, how the boys were born too soon, how she had really no choice, breaks down, and as the cats had been listening in and Aym who's now uncertain feels bad, and he requests Narinder for permission to speak.

“Save your tears for when we meet” is what he says, and that’s all that’s said through the crown.

For Aym it’s an olive branch-he’s sorta gotten an answer as to why he and his brother were sacrificed, though he's not entirely sure how to feel since well...she still gave them up, but she looks sorry so... Baal's eager and happy to hear that they were cared about but is a little disappointed at realizing that she didn't really hesitate despite the situation, but regardless, both are willing to give her a chance. They want to get to know her, and then they'll decide how they feel after that.

They, do not, see her as a proper 'Mother'. Just someone who shares their blood who they want to meet. To then Narinder's still Dad-he's still the one who makes them feel secure.

Meanwhile for Forneus it’s proof that she’ll get what was promised. Her boys are not only alive, but they’re children-they’re still children, so she'll now get what she wanted and more. They'll reunite and she'll then take her children home to travel by her side-she’ll get to raise her dear little babies just as she’d planned, and while it took so long it's going to be perfect.

She's dreamt of the boys seeing and running into her oncoming embrace crying. That they'll love her instantly and had already because she's their mother so of course that's how they'll feel. How could they not? Children ALWAYS love their parents.

The Lamb promises to help her meet them once they’re free, and every visit after, Forneus tries to get the boys to talk again-offers gifts for the lamb to bring to the Gateway, rambles on about all the things they'll do together while the Lamb browses her shop. And...well they're things, at least. Most of the toys she offers are either baby toys or things that just don't interest the boys, and some of her plans are...plans. They're elaborate-taking them to X mountain, to X landmark, traveling here and there and everywhere. Big and grand and...and never mentioning their Dad or Anthea being there.

Baal thinks it's sweet how excited she is while Aym is getting more and more unsure-but even Baal eventually admits that she's a little...loud. Forneus is loud-she's energetic and eager and while he and Aym can be too, seeing it from a stranger about them is...weird. She keeps calling herself their Mama , and calling them Zamir and Delshad despite being told otherwise because apparently those were their names (a fact not even Shamura had been given. Narinder had to name the boys himself). She keeps talking about those three days they were with her, and it kinda feels like she loves the babies she gave up and not them.

Anthea tries to tell her about them, but she usually doesn't realzie since she's busy talking to her babies and not them, it's as if the lamb isn't even there. The boys can't even try to think of trying to talk-she never leaves an opening for them to try. Eventually the boys ask Narinder to mute the crown during the Lamb's shop visits the more uncomfortable it gets.

It's like going to a family reunion and being brought to your great Aunt who last saw you as an infant at your christening. She insists on kissing your face and hugging you tight and going oh how big you've grown sweetiepie and this and that and...and you put up with it because she's family but...well she's a stranger despite the shared blood. She doesn't actually know the you of now-and you don't know her.

Reunion

When the final Bishop falls is when Forneus suddenly finds herself left in the dark. For 6 months she sees hide nor hair of the Lamb, and gradually gets worried because where are her sons? The Bishops are dead, why hasn't she been given back her babies?

(The Lamb had been avoiding her cart during crusades out of both grief and guilt-Aym's dying word of calling them 'Baba'...it broke something in them, made them realize just how much the boys had meant. They had a shattered heart and endless guilt, and having to face Forneus and explain she'd never meet her sons? It'd been too much as a grieving parent themself)

The twins were revived after 4 months but Anthea only finally approached Forneus after 6, and she was too relived to finally hear she could meet them to bother asking what'd happened. Anthea invited her to come to the cult that weekend, and Forneus happily accepted, not even noticing the tiredness in the Lamb's eyes nor the uncertainty in their tone. Even on the day she arrived at the cult, she didn't mind the lamb, not even as Anthea gave her a final warning.  

"There was trouble setting them free…they’re wary, skittish, they’ve been through a lot... I know you’re excited but please be gentle when you speak to them, be calm and keep your distance please they’re so easy to startle."  

Meanwhile the boys waited at the temple with Narinder, who, for the hundredth time, asked if they were certain they were ready for this. Though it'd been 2 months, the toll of dying so traumatically via turning to ash, of being trapped in the gateway, the trauma of resurrection, the fear of being alone without their parents because that's what he and Anthea were to them, Narinder had wanted them to wait as did Anthea. The boys could hardly sleep without at least one of them there with them in bed, were just starting to be ok interacting with other people, could only handle the touch of a select few and even then sometimes would just break down into panic attacks out of seemingly nowhere. They weren't ok, but the boys had insisted. This woman who claimed to love them had been kept in the dark for so long, they felt bad and wanted to try.

They felt guilty for not being ok. Even as Narinder and Anthea repeatedly and gently reminded them that it was alright-that their feelings were valid, that they could take all the time they needed and they'd be right there to support them, the boys had insisted and they just couldn't deny them their choice.

But once Forneus arrived no one got the chance to even properly introduce the boys to her-she just saw them, ran towards them for the reunion she dreamt up, swept them into her arms, and next thing she knew she had two yowling, struggling kits trying to break from her hold. In her excitement and in not listening to Anthea's warnings she'd done the worst thing anyone could've done-she was louder, bigger, stronger, scarier than them, and as the kids managed to shock her into dropping them suddenly Baal was hyperventilating, and Aym was working himself into a panic attack. And Narinder and Anthea, having two months practice in calming them like this, and having long been the twin's safe people, immediately fell into place. Narinder got Baal, Anthea got Aym, and Forneus could only watch.

Could only watch as Baal started gasping for Dad as Narinder tried to get him to breathe, as Aym started sobbing for Baba and practically tried to bury himself in their embrace, as her babies looked at her in fear and clung to someone else.

And then all she can feel is anger. She'd waited 300 years-those boys were hers. Why are they clinging to someone else?

From there it just becomes a mess, she gets into a very loud, very heated argument with Narinder especially for 'stealing' her sons which just scares the boys more, and in a very poor move tries to just grab one of them which prompts Anthea to use a show of godly power and threaten her to get out of the Cult which she does since a crowd has also formed (the Cult was ALL aware of the twin's poor mental state, and they'd all grown very protective of the community's first children despite having to keep their distance because by gods those kids deserved more than what fate had given them).

Forneus leaves angry, and Narinder and Anthea now got two kits who had been tentatively healing temporarily back at square one, and who are now gonna start having nightmares of a stranger taking them away on top of preexisting ones.

I wanna note that Forneus isn't a bad person. She isn't, but she's also not used to things not going her way. As a vessel she was 'Lady Luck', she who rarely died, who always had the upper hand, who would pop curse shots at the Goddess of Famine for fun and be the heartbreaker of her own cult able to flirt and tease and talk her way to whatever she wished. She's kind and cheerful and charismatic sure and she genuinely does want to help people and do the right thing, but there's still this...ignorance, arrogance-that she doesn't even realize is there.

Like how above in Starfall Part 1 she VERY casually mentions how she 'knows what it's like missing her own twins' and 'how 'hard' it must be for Anthea to have nothing of their family to remember them by', but the thing is...she doesn't know. She's so hooked on this idea that she WILL get her boys back that she completely has just ignored the grief that comes with loss entirely this whole time. The way she misses her sons is NOTHING like how Anthea misses their brothers-she misses them like a relative you haven't seen in awhile but will see soon. Anthea misses their brothers because they're DEAD and they know that they will NEVER see the two again, especially now. Like Forneus has not considered how she's lost a LOT of moments with her children. They're still kids yeah but they're not returning to her as blank slates-though physically and mentally 11 they've been with Narinder for over 300 years, that's a lot of time to be without her. She loves them, but kinda more-so the sons she thought she'd get back.

Thus when you've been envisioning this 'perfect' reunion the entire time only for it to not go your way...it's a hard pill to swallow. She gets disappointed/angry understandably-anyone would, but instead of stepping back and realizing she can't fault the boy's feelings she takes it out of the ones who 'took' her place instead, which then turns her into this loud scary bad-guy to the boys.

And Aym and Baal aren't to blame in this situation, like they're kids, and like with my 'great aunt who last saw you as a baby' analogy, it's not their fault they don't immediately love her. She's a stranger-one whom, the more she tried to force interactions via the crown during their imprisonment, seemed to have little interest in them personally and more in whatever children she assumed she'd be getting back. And after that disaster of a first meeting? They don't want anything to do with her she scared them that much.

As for Narinder and Anthea they both feel awful because they understand why Forneus is angry, she only gave them up because she was promised a chance for reunion (though she ignored the CHANCE part of that), but in the same breath Aym and Baal are their sons and they'll take their side first over anyone else's. And the thing is there's nothing that could've been done on their part to prevent this really either.

Anthea telling Forneus the twins had died? Anger, grief, then upon their revival a fierce insistence for the boys to NEVER go near the Lamb or Narinder again, which the twins would've been just as terrified and against.

Narinder not showing care to the kits for those 300 years? They would've gotten attached to him anyway since he was literally all they had, though they might've turned out worse emotionally because of neglect

Telling the boys to wait longer to meet Forneus? She likely would've just shown up on her own within another month anyway since by that point Anthea had just freed Heket from Purgatory and word was starting to get around about the new God of Death so this would've happened but worse.

The only way Forneus could've had the reunion she'd wanted would have been if Narinder never forced the twins to start aging against the stasis. But then there would be two 300+ year old infants, which is a whole other can of worms.

Notes/Explaination

Again I love Forneus in-game she's so adorable and my one of my favorite NPCs to visit, but I also like making imperfect characters, especially parents and their relationships with their children. And while I love the idea of her being this wonderful, sweet, amazing mother, I also like the idea of her being really flawed about it to.

Crimson Angel is about learning to communicate with your loved ones, and in this case, it needs to be her looking at things from the twins view and realizing that if they don't want her in their lives, she has to accept that. She needs to realize that she's not entitled to their love just because she gave birth to them. She also has to let go of the sons she gave up that day-those three day old infants who were perfect little blank slates, and get to know the boys they became without her. She has to realize someone else took her place in their hearts, and realize that if she wants to join them, she HAS to let the boys come to her, and that she has to work on THEIR terms.

She cannot try and force a love if she wants a chance for it at all, and must swallow her pride and listen to others who know the boys better-Anthea and Narinder, alongside the boys themselves.

She'll get a relationship with the boys eventually, but it's not going to be the one she hoped for. She's gotta work on herself first and realize her flaws, maybe get some practice with handling children via unintentionally adopting a certain fan-favorite grave spider kid after finding him all alone, and just...wait. Narinder and Anthea are the twin's primary parents, and while Forneus does eventually get to a place where they're comfortable with her, it's never going to be on the same level, and they all just gotta contend with that.

Boarders are by @/lambouillet

[eilinelsghost]

Reminded again today just how much of the unspoken text in the Athrabeth Finrod Ah Andreth is two friends mourning the loss of the same deeply loved person. Which is all the more poignant in that each's loss has been (directly or indirectly) caused by the other.

Finrod's thorough knowledge of and quickness to elaborate on the reasons and motivation behind his brother's decision indicates it is quite likely he was involved in that decision process. (In fact, I do wonder how much of his later above-and-beyond aid to Beren is not only his oath, but also lingering guilt, having seen the wreckage his probable counsel wrought for Andreth.)

But even besides that inference, Finrod states plainly that it is love and loyalty to his kin that bound Aegnor to make the choice he did.

So in the course of the Athrabeth, Andreth is mourning her deepest loss to that very same kin whom Aegnor chose over his love for her.

Meanwhile, Finrod knows through foresight that he is within a few short years of losing his brother for the duration of Arda. Which, to the best of the Eldar's knowledge, means permanently since they believe themselves existentially bound to it, as Finrod describes in their conversation:

'You see us, the Quendi, still in the first ages of our being, and the end is far off. As maybe among you death may seem to a young man in his strength; save that we have long years of life and thought already behind us. But the end will come. That we all know. And then we must die; we must perish utterly, it seems, for we belong to Arda (in hröa and fëa). And beyond that what? "The going out to no return," as you say; "the uttermost end, the irremediable loss"? 'Our hunter is slow-footed, but he never loses the trail. Beyond the day when he shall blow the mort,& we have no certainty, no knowledge. And no one speaks to us of hope.'

Morgoth's Ring, Part 4: Athrabeth Finrod Ah Andreth

Love and loyalty may have bound Aegnor to choose his family over his love for Andreth in the moment, but Finrod is under no illusions here and understands that this choice will ultimately be payed for in their own subsequent loss of Aegnor.

Loyalty may have swayed him to turn away from his heart's wish, but it will not be cause enough to return. Ultimately Aegnor prefers the timeless stasis in the Halls of Mandos over spending the remaining ages of Arda alongside his family without Andreth.

Finrod attempts to comfort Andreth with the beauty of "a memory that is fair but unfinished" because that is how he is simultaneously consoling himself. A fair but unfinished memory is all either of them will have of Aegnor, even those who Aegnor seemingly chose.

Just as Andreth knows or suspects what led Aegnor to turn away, so also Finrod knows that his brother's love for Andreth is what will soon part them till the end of the world - and potentially eternally if there is no life for the Eldar beyond the confines of Arda.

And yet here they sit together in grief, and through their willingness to share in mourning for their mutual loss, they bring together the two strands of knowledge that enable the unlooked for Hope to be said at last:

He paused a while, and then looking gravely at Andreth he said: 'Yes, Wise-woman, maybe it was ordained that we Quendi, and ye Atani, ere the world grows old, should meet and bring news one to another, and so we should learn of the Hope from you: ordained, indeed, that thou and I, Andreth, should sit here and speak together, across the gulf that divides our kindreds, so that while the Shadow still broods in the North we should not be wholly afraid.'

Morgoth's Ring, Part 4: Athrabeth Finrod Ah Andreth

[thedragonqueen1998]

Today at work i got insanly inspired to write and once i got off work, i immidiently went on my phone to type it out. XD I just finished a 3 hour long writing ses(had a 15 minute food break in the middle). ^^ Probably just gonna forever gonna be a wip thing, but it was fun and i'm kinda proud of it. Despite it being rough in some parts, mostly because i wanted to rush to the 2nd half and i didn't wanna get stuck, i'm happy to share it. ^^

It's a kinda long, so i'm gonna add a Read more line to not fill your dash with text. Also, first time trying formatting out! XD

So, originally this post was just gonna be a "i actually wrote something! Look!" thing, just showing of some work i did, but after writing the reason why i wrote a line a certain way, it went into something very sad and kinda dark, so if you don't wanna read about death, a light mention of suicidal thought and grief... just stop after What even is my life.

Idk why i wrote it, but it took alot of effort and it feels... important to me, i guess. Part of processing and such. So, yeah. Read at your discretion. Thank you for your time. 💜

Ezio had many regrets in his long life. Not being there when his father and brothers were arrested. Of not being there more for his sister and mother. Of not trying to be together with Cristina. Not being able to save her. Or being able to save Uncle Mario and Monteriggioni. But biggest of all, not having spent more time with his family before the execution.

He had love, but didn't cherish it. Didn't truly feel it and took it for granted. But unlike so many others, Ezio could take those regrets and change them. Thanks to Desmond.

When he walked into the Library, he thought he might get an answer or two in return for many more. He truly didn't expect that calling out Desmonds name while the Apple bathed the walls in gold would result in it being answered by the being himself.

The being looked like a man, clad in a white light, eminating from a strange device under his right arm. His face looked like an exact replica of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad's face, though his build was closer to his. Broad shoulders hidden underneath a strange hooded white doublet and long legs wearing strange tight fitted pants made from a material he did not recognise. Even the scar was the same as his! Was Ezio made in the image of the one he was the Prophet for? Was Altaïr the herald? All questions Ezio wondered, but not knowing if Desmond was like Minerva or not, he dared not waste any questions if the beings patient was thin.

But first: "Are you Desmond?" He had to know, have it confirmed, even if the being appeared after the name was called.

"Ezio? Is this the Library? Am i seriously bleeding while dying!?" Desmond was looking around at the empty tomb, before his eyes returned upon Ezio.

"Yes, this is Altaïr's library. You are bleeding? I do not see any blood and you are dying!? Is there anything i can do to help you? Please, my lord. Tell me what i need to do to save you." Ezio was desperate to know his purpose and if all his life lead to this moment, where he could save Desmonds life, he would fulfill it.

"There's nothing you can do. I am dying semi willingly and even if this is some Animus infused death hallucination, it is nice having my last moments with you, even if your not really here. I am so sorry i couldn't answer any of your questions or try to save you from losing everything. You never deserved any of it. In the end it didn't really even matter. I am sorry you wasted your time chasing riddles and ghosts." He looked so grieve struck while saying it and the look Desmond had while gazing down onto Ezio could only be described as lovingly.

"What do you mean? Could you have saved my uncle!? My father and brothers!? Why didn't you if you do not think i deserved it! I have served the Brotherhood almost my entire life, sacrificed so much trying to find out what Minerva meant and now your telling me that it was all for nothing!? If you think i wasted my time then give it back!"

Desmonds eye's widen before softly smiling and saying: "Your right, you wasted your time and sacrificed too much for nothing. Let's change that."

Before Ezio knew it, the world went white and he knew nothing more.

—————

When Ezio awoke, it was to a bed he hadn't seen in almost 40 years. His childhood bed and his room. He couldn't believe it. He was given a second chance. To live his life. To right wrongs. To save his family! To think going to the Library would result in this!

At the thought of the Library, Ezio suddenly remembered Sofia. To have forgotten her and even abandoned her without a second thought left Ezio feeling guilty. Would she wait outside the Library before realising he would never come back? Or because he is now in the past, a past where he intends to change the future, would she never meet him? Never exist? The thought of her hurt, but like so many others, Ezio knew that him being in her life would have risked hers. Even if she knew and accepted it, it is still better if she never got the chance to know him and inevitibly suffer because of it. Same with Cristina. Though he could now choose her, he knew that despite the many mistakes in his life, the Brotherhood was not one of them and his refusal to properly let her go killed her. Letting that life affect her once again was too cruel. It was for the better to just let her go.

Federico nudged him with his elbow. "Brother, what has you thinking so hard you look like you bit into something bitter?"

"Nothing much, just wondering what i should get." Ezio smiled and laughed. He was currently out with his family on a trip the market. The last time around, he had decided to sneak off to spend some time with a girl he didn't even remember the name of anymore instead of spending time with his loved ones, to his great shame and regret. This was the last thing his family had done together outside of dinners before the execution in 3 days. That he missed out on it was one of his biggest regrets, but Desmond let him change it.

That Ezio might never truly understand or know what or who Desmond is, how he watched him in the Vault or even what Minerva's people and the Pieces of Eden truly were will forever haunt him, but the trade to see his family again and to even be able to save them is a fair trade. He can go his life wondering these questions and maybe try to find them now that he will have more time, thanks to already knowing the Templars plans and who will be an enemy or ally.

He felt a finger poke him inbetween his eyebrows.

"There you go again Brother. Thinking too hard! Be careful or you might hurt yourself." Federico teased before yelping and then laughing when Ezio pushed him.

"Please don't start fighting now sons." Their father said before turning back to the stall owner to continue discussing what wares to buy and the prices.

"Sorry Father!" Ezio said before giving his brother a teasing look that promised this was not over.

Ezio remembered this day well enough. Not to remember the woman he decided to chase, but enough to know that when his family had been at the market a horse had run wild there and according to Claudia, nearly trampled her down in the confusion.

He was a bit sceptical to believe it was as close as she had made it out to be, but he knew horses much better now than he did before. After years of riding them to and from places in the chase for his targets, he knew that having one running towards you in a blind panic could scare anyone. Even though he knew to be wary of them and treat them with respecy during his original childhood, he didn't truly get how these gentle beings could be as scary as his sister had made the poor creature out to be.

According to his family, it had been a war horse, bloodied, running around in a blind panic, probably scared from a skirmish. Being chased by guards hadn't helped and eventually the guards got a good shot at it and put it down.

Ezio wanted to save his sister years of fearing horses, so he kept an eye and a ear out for any signs that the animal was on it's way.

There. A scream. Everyone stopped and looked around for the source. The source was still hidden by the crowds, but in the distance you could start seeing people moving away from something coming this way and the screams were getting closer.

Ezio breathed and slipped into his Second Sight, the Eagle Vision, as he now knew Altaïr had called it. Or more accuratly, Eagle Sense. With the years, his constant use and need for it had changed his Sight. It had become much stronger, letting him see farther, expanded his hearing, to let him hear his enemies heartbeat and even know what moves they were going to make. Even let him know where his enemies was going to go on a patrol route.

It truly was a gift and now he would use it to try and predict where the animal would go, as to lead his sister and family away from the danger. Then he saw it. The shine of something important. Something that glowed as strongly as the Apple of Eden had. The horse.

There was much about his Gift he could not explain. He had tried, but it is much like explaining sight to a blind person. Why things he didn't even know about could glow gold and lead him to the answer. Why allies glowed blue and enemies red, nor how he could tell friend from foe and now. His Sight told him, with the same intuition as telling friend from foe, that this horse was Desmond.

How is Desmond here? Why? Did he lie about dying? Or was certain death only a large chance that Desmond beat? Ezio supposed it did not matter. If he lets events play as they had before, Desmond would be struck down by an arrow within minutes. Oh, maybe Desmond had tried to prevent his father and brothers demise, but was struck down in the attempt? Though, why choose to do it as a rampaging horse? Either way, Desmond was clearly panicking, almost upon him now. If Ezio could not calm him down, his death was guaranteed.

But how? Ezio has just seconds now to plan a way to stop him before he is trampled down.

Then, he finally realises, that among the bright gold he shines, he also glowes blue. Such a deep colour which he has only seen in the greatest friends or closest family and he knows, Desmond would never harm him. The look of pure love on Desmonds face made more sense now.

So Ezio decides to not move and simple raise up his hands, as if to pet the horse.

"EZIO!"

————

Desmond was in pain. He knew that Juno lied about his death being quick and painless, but god, why did it have to hurt so much!? During his hallucination, it wasn't nearly so bad! And can't forget the weird nightmare he's having ontop of it. He's a goddamned horse on some battlefield. He was rearing up when the nightmare started, neighing as his rider was shot and killed by an arrow.

There's so much blood. The smell strikes fear in his heart. There's so much red. He slips into Eagle Vision and there's even more red. Not a spec of blue. A sword slides against the armor he is wearing and the screech of metal is too much. He bolts.

He needs to run. Away from the monsters with sharp sticks. Away from the smell of blood and death. Away from the shadows hiding hunters. They follow him. They chase him for a long time.

He is getting so tired.

He needs to get back to the barn. His owner would make everything alright. He would croon soft noises he did not understand, but the tone was soft and gentle. He would give him a treat while brushing him down after a hard days work.

He did ride him into scary battles he did not understand, but afterwards he would wash and groom him extra thoroughly, while feeding him the best apples, crooning more sounds in a happy tone. He would repeat one of the few sounds he understood, which meant "him" and "pay attention to me".

Dante.

But he wasn't on his back anymore and he didn't hear his voice. Just the loud, scary noises of more men in the shiny hard thing. They had the pointy sticks too and tried to take the things dangling from his mouth. Only his owner can touch that! Only he is to be trusted with them.

Running is getting harder, there is large, straight hills in the way and the path is narrower with many strangers in it.

There is still so much red. He can still smell the blood, feel it clotting his fur. Too much red!

Blue.

Suddenly there's blue in front of him. He knows blue means ally. Though why and how this person is blue confuses him. But he is Blue and running him over is not good, but why is he standing there!? Does he not see the red!? Smell it!? Does he not understand we need to run!?

"Desmond"

That single word pierces the fog of fear and wild panic that has flooded Desmonds mind. Ezio is in front of him, hand already gripping the reigns while the other rests on his muzzle.

"There we go Desmond, everything is alright."

Desmond still feels phantom threads of fear, but with Ezio's calming blue glow and his voice saying gentle reassurances, it feels far away.

Now with his mind fully human and not driven by horse instincts or memories, the question becomes: How and why the fuck is he a horse in 15th century Italy with Ezio!?

What even is his life.

————

So, a couple parts i'm stupidly happy about is the "He had love, but didn't cherish it. Didn't truly feel it and took it for granted." part. This, as you can probably tell was inspired by the famous quote "When I was a young man, I had liberty, but I did not see it. I had time, but I did not know it. And I had love, but I did not feel it."

I believe Ezio didn't fully understand liberty until he tried to live a peaceful life with Sofia and realised he would always fear Templars taking revenge on his family and time, because the knowledge that he would never see his children grow up to adults had never been a concern before he met Sofia. He probably thought he wouldn't have a family at all.

But love. Love he would understand what he missed. He would understand it just days after he lost his father and brothers. Those moments you missed out on. Of opportunities to spend time that you squandered away. Time you will never get back, because in real life we don't have time travel.

And now i understand it. Before the end of the last year, i was like Ezio before the loss. Before i lost my grandparents only a few weeks apart.

Those opportunities to spend time was rare and thankfully i took most of them, but i still squandered it away by not actually spending time with them. I just visited and hid away in my room, wasting the time by sitting on the phone.

I will forever regret that because ny memory is shit and besides a few childhood ones, i have no memories of them. I still remember their voices, they were pretty distinct thankfully, but how long until i forget that.

It hurts and as someone who is afraid of death and it's finality, such a reminder that time and love is finite is soulcrushing. It is only recently that i have truly started to think of my grandparents and i guess try to process the fact they are gone forever.

When we first got the news that my grandpa had died, i was even more glued to my phone, not wanting to acknowledge what was happening. I also didn't wanna sleep and only got some when i passed out from exhaustion. We even went to the doctor to get time of work and some sleep medication i didn't dare end up taking.

I even had thoughts of just taking all the pills and just sleeping, to get away from the pain forever. But i'm thankfully too much of a coward, so it just stayed thoughts. I'm doing much better now and as i mentioned, i think i'm starting to process the fact that they are gone.

So, yeah. This post went in a direction i didn't expect. But it feels important and maybe in a few years i can look back at this post and see a snapshot of who i was and reflect on who i am now. So, here's to the future me and anyone else who needs to hear it:

I hope things are going well and if they're not... well, things get better. They always do. You're loved and even if your loved ones are gone, they live on in you. You will carry that love with you, for the rest of your life. 💜

[morganaspendragonss]

shouting lord give me a sign

happy finale day! 🥲 as if i needed another reason to be depressed

title from end of the world by lucy spraggan

ao3 | 554 words | owen-centric, grief

It occurs to him, as he sits alone in his office, that there really is no one for him to call. He thinks about trying Sydney, but he hasn’t spoken to her or the girls much since Robert died. Birthday and holiday wishes, yes, but nothing beyond that. Nothing real.

He could call New York, tell them we might not be able to take the job after all, but of course they’ll know already. He can picture them now, scrambling to stop the Times story from running, and it makes him chuckle even in the face of all this.

But everyone else, everyone he cares about and loves – they’re all here, within these walls. He can see TK, hunched over and phone pressed to his ear, from where he’s sitting; Nancy and Mateo are quietly embracing in a corner; he knows Paul and Marjan and Judd are similarly sequestered.

And Owen is here, alone.

Because, when it comes down to it, the only person he can think to call – the only person he would ever think to call – in a time like this is Gwyn. She was his rock, even in the years following the divorce when they could barely share a room without fighting, and much as he’s tried to fill her void with girlfriend after girlfriend, he knows now that it was never possible to find someone to match her.

She was the love of his life, and his biggest mistake was letting her go.

His finger hovers over the contact he’s never been able to bring himself to delete, and he’d be lying if he said he hasn’t been tempted to press it over the years. To text her or let the line ring until her voicemail comes through; to pretend that she’s in China or Japan or in some important meeting and she can’t answer. He’s never done it yet; he’s too afraid that the confirmation of no reply will shatter the illusion he’s built up for himself.

Unconsciously, his thumb drifts down and then the phone is ringing, and Owen knows he should hang up but it’s the end of the world goddammit.

So he brings the phone to his ear and waits with bated breath for her voice to tell him to leave a message.

“Hello?”

It’s a man’s voice, about as far removed from Gwyn’s as possible. Still, Owen gasps and holds the phone ever tighter.

“Hello?” the guy calls, irritated now, but Owen can’t answer him with anything other than his shaky breaths. He should have known; of course they would have given her number away by now, it’s been years, but it still hurts in a way he didn’t expect that this imagined connection to her is now gone.

The guy mutters something about fucking prank calls and cuts the line, and Owen lets the phone slip from his hand as he shoves away from his desk and turns his back to the windows. He can’t chance anyone glancing up and seeing him; he can’t be the one to break down when what they need is strength.

But, god, Owen misses her.

He breathes through the sobs and looks up to the ceiling, imagines the asteroid crashing through it and obliterating him.

And he imagines opening his eyes and seeing her again, and it’s enough.

[lazyalani]

| Nagi Seishiro × [GN!Reader]

| We are ready

| angst, nagi gives mixed signals, reader is tired, mentioned mikage reo, nagi is insensitive, he is confused, no comfort, bittersweet ending, not proofread

| Summary: Nagi triggers the fallout of your last drop of patience.

Blue Lock Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Sticks and stones, they may

You feel him watch as you put your clothes on your duffel bag. You feel like crying. Everything around you seems to be about him, doesn't it? Because that's the way you arranged things here, you wanted to always be reminded of him because you loved him, ofcourse.

Or was it because it filled his absence a little?

You used to love every little thing that reminded you about him so you made everything in this apartment about him.

Oh how you hate it now.

Everywhere you looked to avoid his frustrated stare and careless words during the arguement didn't help. They reminded you of him and how he, instead of tending to his responsibilities as your partner, is throwing out careless words as if he didn't give a fuck.

"You're such a hassle, [Name]." He said.

break these bones, but then,

Oh how ironic that before, you were crying for Reo, both Nagi and yours' friend, as Nagi tells you how he told off Reo with his harsh words, but now, you were crying for yourself. Would Reo also cry for both of you?

What grief he must've also experienced, because you feel like your heart is being ripped in half. It's the effect Nagi Seishiro has, people can love him, but he can destroy them with just a few words.

So you quietly back down and started packing your things. You were too tired, too exhausted to even scream and fight him anymore. From work? Yes. From your relationship? Yes. From loving him? Yes.

Pouring out your love and efforts, all for a man who can't even greet you goodmorning and you can only see at night whenever you stay up for work. You spend your break during work hours to text and call him only to end up either rejected calls or hours later reply.

I'll be ready,

Saying those three special words to a man who can't even make it feel like he means it.

And it makes you wonder, when did he stop caring?

Are you ready?

You stare at the gray duffel bag you're stuffing your clothes into with frustration. Another reminder of him. You tell yourself to remind you to buy a new color.

You can still feel him watching your every move. You look at him from your peripheral vision. Why? Why are you looking at him? You wonder. Something grows in your chest as you notice his hesitating face. Is it hope? Hope for what? What are you even hoping for? To fix the relationship he chose to shatter? To have him hold you and tell you to stay? What would you even say to that? How would you even react? Because you'd be lying if you said one word from him and you'll stay.

Because you're exhausted.

It's the start of us, waking up,

So what are you even hoping for?

"Stay." He says, and you turned to look at him. He stares at you, watching for your reaction, observing your face and movements, standing infront of your shared bed.

You didn't know how to react, so you closed your eyes and let all your pain crash down and decide your answer.

come on, are you ready?

"I can't." You loved him, you still do.

But love isn't enough anymore.

I'll be ready

He looks down with frustration. "I don't want you to go away." And from him, it's a silent plea. But you can't break.

You don't want to break.

"But you don't give me reason to stay either." So you want to leave.

He clenches his fists. "Please, just... don't go."

A tear comes out the same time your temper cuts. "Do you know what it feels like to be tired from work and go back to an empty apartment without even an ounce of comfort?"

He stays silent, letting you lash out on him.

"Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated as you wait in a place for someone who forgot because of the same resson over and over again? Do you know what it feels like to look forward and get excited for something that gets canceled even when it's already just supposed to happen inside your home? Do you know what it feels like to crave attention from someone who probably doesn't even care? Do you know what it feels like to pour out all your efforts for someone who can't even do the same? Do you know what it feels like to feel like your partner doesn't love you? Do know what it feels like to just stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder, 'Where did I go wrong?'? Do you know what it feels like to be insecure about how you're probably not as important and loved as his job?"

Your tears keep falling and you let yourself let out everything you've wanted to say for so long.

You see Nagi's shoulder start to shake but you don't care.

"Probably not, because I have done nothing but to love you. And for the past months, you have done nothing but to hurt me."

I don't want control, I want to let go

Where did all go wrong?

When did it all go wrong?

You're confused why you only start to question that now. You finish packing your bags and walked towards the bedroom door, stopping when he called out.

Nagi smiles warmly, sincerely, even amidst the pain and confusion he was feeling for you and him. "[Name], I really do love you. More than anything, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being too careless, for thinking you'd always be here. For thinking you'd never get tired. For being to comfortable. You can hate me, [Name], I blame myself too. I blame myself for letting this relationship crumble because I was a coward."

Are you ready? I'll be ready

You look at him from the side of your eye as he talks. And your chest starts to lighten.

"I don't know how to deal with relationships, I unconciously tried protecting myself from getting hurt and distanced myself. It's not an excuse but, I just thought you deserve to know. You deserved to know that you were enough, you were important, you were appreciated, you were loved. And you'll always be loved. Even if it's not by me. Thank you, [Name], for loving me, even if it hurt you." His eyes glistened with tears, and he lets them fall when he hears the front door close.

'Cause now it's time to let them know

Tears start to roll down your cheeks again as you walk down the hallways of the building, but this time, they're comforting. They're relieving.

"you were important, you were loved."

Ah, it was all you hoped for.

we are ready

[tumfullofblue]

HELLO HELP YOUR CASEY BLURB IS LIGHTING ME ON FIREEEE. god thats so good!!!

Also. I would love to hear about your remedy OC!!

~☕️

First of all, I want to say huge thank you for your kind words. Not afraid to also say they keep me going and everything YOU write for the old grumbly bastard Casey is amazing, good job sweetiepie.

ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっAnd thus, Coffee Anon gave me the green light to ramble about my girl! Don't mind if I do!

Meet a mess of a woman named Faith Virtanen! She's in her late 20s, Finnish origin (hence the last name; Virta meaning flow, current or river!) and works for Federal Bureu of Control. She had a very loving relationship with director Trench while he was already affected by Hiss. After his demise, poisoned by grief Faith is marked by Dark Presence and makes a few very bad decisions while being trapped in Dark Place ʕ ● ᴥ ●ʔ More of her story under the cut!

And yes, she is my self insert/original character. Something old folks like I am used to call Mary Sue back in my days. I mean, come on, her name is literal translation of my name from Russian!

BIG WALL OF TEXT AHEAD! YE BE WARNED!

Faith originally started working in Research Sector under doctor Darling's supervision. Following standart procedures for new recruits she was going through various tests and trials to determine her abilities and resistance. Later on, she finds out that those weren't just tests - she was actively being trained into becoming paranaturally altered individual. That was also the reason why sometime in her career, director Trench asked her to become his assistant, which she gladly did (though she was terrified of the man at first, but hey, who wouldn't?). Her abilities are unspecified and even she doesn't know the full scale of her powers. She just knows she has some form of talent 'manipulating' electronic devices. Changing their wavelneghts, making radios take signals from outer space, TV's to show footage of different reality - that sort of thing.

The whole time she was working in FBC, she grew very close with Ahti. He was treating her like a granddaughter, keeping her mostly safe and sane. And it's because of his protection and love she was spared the fate of being controlled by Hiss. She loves him very much (who doesn't?) and is somewhat aware that he is not just some friendly old finnish janitor. They shared many tender moments together over the cup of coffee and she considers him her family by bound, not blood.

I would describe her as a very spiritual woman. She was very religious growing up, but after the whole Hiss and Dark Presence shenanigans, she highly doubts her, drum rolls please, Faith. She is a big fan of books and working hard. Sometimes, agent Virtanen might seem aloof, distant and let's be real - weird as fuck, but she is actually very kind and motherly, even. Her problem (besides everything else) is that she lives to serve. Quite literally thinking that she is worth of something only when being used. When being controlled and told what to do. It's like she is almost afraid of taking the reigns of her own life into her hands.

Right now, I roleplay as her with my BFF and have one hell of a good time doing that! I don't want to sound to proud of myself, but I really like the story we made for her and honestly, if I could pay in dollars, i would commision so much art with her BECAUSE. I. LOVE. THAT. WOMAN.

Oh and she also has somewhat strong Finnish accent and THICKEST curls you've ever seen, brother.

What a woman, right?

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

Guhhb. I need someone to lose my mind to right now. I ocould say a mountain of text but also. Nothing. Mhnvjvg. I. The voice actor for Axlerod- Eddie Izzard- I love listening to her comedy sketches I really do. I could go on about all her stuff but I love her things she is brilliant. Uh. And of course the reason I looked her up ages ago was because I wanted to hear just more stuff as Axlerod right. Wanted to hear Axlerod say more stuff cause she doesn't change her voice or anything when doing his voice right. But most her sketches are all on Amazon Prime, there's like two up on YouTube. But. I recently learned that she has a Spotify? ?and. She uploads some of her comedy sketches there. Which I think seeing them with video is best because the gestures and like things that she does during them is really good and adds to it but I will not complain for a minute about podcast format, nonetheless because with as much as I like her stuff I'd be better of me to just buy a CDs of all her stuff than repeatedly do a subscription for them. Anyway. That's all brilliant and fantastic cause I love her stuff and I get to hear it as Axlerod. And I don't know why but sometimes when I listen to her stuff my brain like... doesn't pick it up as Axlerod? Which it's the same exact voice. But sometimes she'll say certain things and it'll really hit me. And that's important for my second bigger thing.

So I decided to go back and listen to her sketches on Spotify again because I was looking for a particular bit but I don't know which act it's from(not that I mind going through all of them anyway) and I decided okay. Just so I keep track of which I have and haven't heard I'll start at the very bottom/with the oldest and work my way up. Which I discovered some other really really cool and awesome things there that maybe perhaps I'll just save sharing it for another day. But there were some like. Music things? That she was featured in? Like compilations of a bunch of artists that got together and did things and okay I just scrolled to where her name was at and it said she was doing it with another artist and I listened to it and I was like hm... I feel like I'd super recognize hearing her sing, no? I mean I've never heard her sing before and I am desperate for that perhaps for blatant reasons becuase. Axlerod. So I was like maybe I can look it up and see a video of it. And I felt a little bit better cause okay she didn't sing I didn't completely fail myself by not recognizing her voice. But oh. Oh. She was DOING THE PIANO. The piano. That's fantastic. Didn't know she played piano in any capacity. Maybe I will project that onto Axlerod in some time we'll see.

Now. Hold on. It gets better. So I go to the next seperate thing she was featured in, completely different compilation. Also music centered. Scroll down looking for her name. It seems to be from some other movie thing but whatever. Ah. Her name is by itself now. Perhaps I. Will hear her sing. Now. As I mentioned earlier sometimes my brain has the distinction between hearing her and Axlerod and I don't know why cause it's the same exact voice. Maybe it's the way she projects her voice or a slightttest inflection that makes the difference. Mm. Auto correct is saving me right now. I click on the Spotify thingy. Funky music starts playing that I can't explain ya just gotta hear it. Not funky as in silly bouncy but funky as in like 80s-90s funky. Like the villian is doing a swagger walk up to the protagonist with a fiendish grin like they're about to sing their entire plan and destruction. I have never seen whatever film this is from I have no clue what takes place in this darn thing. Ah. I don't know how to explain it but. Yes she does sing. And this is the most Axlerod sounding thing ever. Good grief man. Oh my days. I think it's cause in the movie Axlerod is mostly projecting his voice and doing speachy sort of things so hearing Izzard speak in a more relaxed tone my brain is still connecting the wires. But in the song she is projecting her voice more so it is there more. And I'm pretty sure if you watched me you would see it in my eyes. I could be put in a glass cage in a zoo for enrichment for others to watch right now. Pausing every five seconds and replaying it cause I want to savor this I don't want it to end. I wish there was a word for this. It's him it's him he's doing the thing guys.!!*×&#$>'w828. W. Same vibes. Same vibes. I'm going to lose it.i have to pause or else I will actually explode and erupt. Start screaming and shouting and jumping up and down and flailing and shaking my arms and my hands and running around and falling to my knees.

[saintsenara]

Ok I’m curious on your take on Lupin ships now so: Lupin/Lily, Lupin/Molly, Lupin/Mcgonagall and Lupin/Dumbledore ??

thank you very much for the ask, anon! i know I'm often quite harsh to poor old remus as a potential romantic partner, but i actually quite back some of these...

lily evans/remus lupin

answered here - although this isn't one of the ones i back...

remus lupin/molly weasley

answered here - this very much is one i back.

remus lupin/minerva mcgonagall

however controversial a statement this may be, i am a really big fan of mcgonagall/marauders-era pairings. i've always backed her with snape, and i have recently decided to become invested in the concept of her with sirius.

and as i've said there, one of the things i find really interesting about writing mcgonagall is how easily she can be turned into someone who is cynical and jaded when it comes to love - which fits lupin, who believes the great romantic love of fairytales to be something the man he sees himself as has no hope of accessing, to a tee.

and i also like how much of mcgonagall's life is influenced by the twin forces of guilt and grief - and how this is also something lupin shares. i think something fascinating could be done with a story set during prisoner of azkaban which has both her and lupin wrestling with the guilt they feel for not realising that sirius had gone over to the death eaters and would betray james and the way that grief fights against their fond memories of him - and which then explored how their guilt would shift once sirius' innocence was revealed towards them feeling terrible about how they could ever have believed that he might have been a traitor.

i think this one's really got potential, lads. get writing.

albus dumbledore/remus lupin

yes, entirely because it would be so fucked-up.

i find lupin's canonical relationship with dumbledore incredibly interesting, particularly the ways his incredibly rigid loyalty to dumbledore, his placing of him on a pedestal, and his desperate desire for dumbledore's approval all stem from the fact that he is so beholden to dumbledore for the [modicum] of safety he enjoys in the world.

it's implied in the text that lupin is the only werewolf in the latter half of the twentieth century [and so, i think we can argue, the only werewolf in history] who is permitted to study at hogwarts - and, therefore, to receive access to an institution which is integral to maintaining the class system around which the wizarding world functions. as lupin tells us in half-blood prince, he's the only werewolf he knows who bears the "civilising" markers of having been allowed an elite wizarding education - and these give him a level of privilege over his peers even as he's discriminated against by the state.

and every single advantage he ever attains comes via dumbledore. the backstory for lupin on pottermore makes clear that dumbledore offered him the opportunity to study at hogwarts as a result of his personal beef with fenrir greyback [rather than a desire to improve access to education for werewolves more generally] and then protected him over the course of his schooldays. dumbledore is also the only reason he gets his job in prisoner of azkaban - and, with it, access to the lifesaving wolfsbane potion for the first time.

it's clear that lupin feels rightfully grateful to dumbledore for these opportunities, but it's also clear that his gratitude means he is unwilling to criticise, contradict, or disobey dumbledore directly.

which is, obviously, a recipe for disaster in the context of an intimate relationship...

[marengogo]

Well Well Well … - 4 : JK: “Hello Dear My Brides …”

Listening to the whole album DIM by the GazettE

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

My day was amazing. I witnessed the happening of the “Hope-Cole World”. I successfully texted, unbothered, friends, family and my lovely S/O. I worked peacefully, for once this week, quick and pleasant meetings, with no bitching emails and no gen Z causing problems 😬😜😘🫰🏾. The day finally ended in a night of debauchery with my bff and now that I finally got home, it is stupid o’clock, and instead of sleeping, perhaps just like JK, I’m allowing my deep thoughts/inner self or whatever you wanna call them to take over and do as they please; because why not? 

Thing is, to people like myself, “Stupid o’clock” is a very attractive place to be in. It usually is a period of time belonging to the beginning hours of the following day, but because most people are usually sleeping, it doesn’t actually feel like the following day has begun, meaning that for a couple of hours, you feel like you are kind of in a limbo, where time has stopped ant this, to people like myself, who feel like we have no control whatsoever over our time, people who feel like we are constantly running out of time, this temporary limbo, feels extremely comforting. 

This limbo feels like we can finally have some sort of control over our own time. Yet, as one of those people, I have finally come to realise and accept that my perceived sense of constantly “running out of time”, is the main cause of my insomnia and today’s life has made me wonder if perhaps JK also feels the same? … Who knows right? But actually, this is just me rambling and heavily projecting.

So let’s leave my insomnia and losing-time-paranoia aside for a second. As you might have read from the beginning of this blog, where I always tell you what I am listening to, I am currently listening to the GazettE’s album DIM. I started listening to the GazettE a good 15 years ago, at least. Back then, they became all I listened to for a good couple of years. Presently, I do still love them, also got to see them live in 2019, however, I only listen to them occasionally, cause the GazettE are not your everyday happy-go-lucky band. No. They are a band you listen to when you have angst, so much angst you could “sell it for a living”. 

So, yes, I am angsty. And, yes, JK’s live made me angsty. JK’s respectful regards towards those who are causing him harm made me angsty and made me think of the GazettE’s song DISTRESS AND COMA in particular. Hence, until I let this angst out, I will not be able to sleep, though I will most likely end up falling asleep from exhaustion, and most likely wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all which what's the point? So allow me to address how I perceived JK’s not-absurd request, through this particular song, which I feel describes the scenario quite perfectly, at least it’s beginning.

DISTRESS AND COMA (which is in the album I am listening) begins like this:

🎶Until your distress sleeps

Fill me up with your grief

Until your distress sleeps

Until your distress sleeps

Fill me up with your grief

Until your distress sleeps🎵

This part I associated with JK being awake at Stupid o’ Clock for his own reasons. What ALL these reasons are exactly we will never know unless he tells us directly. However, feeling like you “you don’t want to sleep” when you are clearly sleepy, in my personal experience, is sort of like trying to battle with yourself in order to stay awake, which you might think of as being directly opposite to insomnia, however if you keep at it for long enough, you’ll end up distorting your regular sleeping pattern, which eventually will lead to insomnia (as you will feel like sleeping during times when you are supposed to be awake, and can’t sleep because of work, while consequently end up being awake during times in which you are supposed to be sleeping).

The song then continues:

🎶Hello dear my bride,

何を見ているの (what are you watching?)..🎵

After this, Ruki (the GazettE’s vocalist) begins to talk about his relationship with his “bride”, which isn’t a bride in the sense of a female partner he married, but a particularly tragic symbolic figure. In the same way, when JK so candidly and honestly spoke to us about his “boxing stalking incident”, he was talking to someone with whom he had a deep connection, someone with whom he promised he’d walk together for better, for worse … kinda like a bride. So it felt to me that, like in this song, JK was talking to us and nonchalantly started the live, as always, by saying “Hello dear my brides, what are you doing? … 

From here on, Ruki goes on talking about the toxic-relationship he has built with his “bride”. How he doesn’t mind getting hurt and hopes that the resulting scar will not disappear; as long as they are both able to finally fall asleep, he’ll gladly take on his “bride’s” DISTRESS AND COMA instead. But here is where JK is trying to change the song. He still wants to be a vessel for his “bride” to be able to sleep and not be distressed, HOWEVER, in a healthy way, as they both are at a point in their relationship where neither needs to get hurt, neither needs to lose sleep, neither needs to be scarred.

Having to actually hear JK address this made me feel like shit. NGL.

Not even going to address the perpetrators cause nothing I can say can ever express just how much I despise you. NOTHING.

His tone wasn’t angry, it wasn’t condescending, nor demanding. And although he wasn’t crying or pleading, the gentle and calm demeanor with which he asked for his privacy to please not be invaded, hurt so much more than it would have had he resorted to any of the aforementioned manners. It hurt, it hurt, as an empath, it hurt so fucking much.  

It hurts because he shouldn’t have to say this. And we all know that. It hurts because the person that stalked him can't call themself ARMY. And we all know that. It hurts because he is trying to be understanding, and find a solution, amicably, because he always feels a connection to ARMY and perhaps he feels like it is his duty to try and reach out. And we all know that. Reason why it hurts knowing that there are people out there who never gave, don’t give and will never give a fuck about any of these. And we all know that, as I am sure he knows as well. 

But I guess that sometimes, even if you know it may be futile, you still want to give it a try? And in JK’s case I’m sure he was aware that maybe it was going to work and most likely not, but at least he would have tried, so at the very least, he’d have no regrets, right? And if his effort did end up failing, if, for example in this case, the once-a-sasaeng-still-a-sasaeng keeps being a problem, then maybe he’d have to resort to the more drastic measures, which he was trying to avoid. 

Something tells me, that even though in my opinion they’d deserve all of it, he’d still feel sorry about it, but ultimately he’d make peace with it, because he’d know that, like everyone else, he is also human and he has the right to basic things such as being able to enjoy a bit of privacy. But then again, he’d cross that bridge if he got there, I guess. For now, the important thing to JK is perhaps that he thought it was worth for him to try and express himself, to vulnerably open himself up to us for better or for worse, and perhaps this had nothing to do with his insomnia, or perhaps it did, as always, we’ll never know, REGARDLESS OF ALL MY RAMBLING, I’m actually glad that he lost the stay awake battle! though that beautiful candle ended up becoming a bit triggering 😬 …

So I apologies for confusingly waxing poetic over this, imma now try and go to sleep myself.

Always respectfully yours 🙏🏾💜,

Marengo. 

[amimuu]

✨So I finally decided to dump my au into here. Share it with the rats✨

—You have a garden in your house, you love your garden and take care of all the flowers, however you’ve been noticing they’ve been withering without apparent reason lately.

One day while going out to the garden, you find a single, healthy tiny flower. As you notice it is alone, surrounded by all the bigger plants, you feel pity for it, and, in an act of goodwill, you decide to take care of it.

However, what you didn;t know was that said flower would grow and grow until the garden was left completely unsalvageable, because that little flower was actually just the first of thousands, waiting to grow and consume the garden whole.

If you had plucked it out, however, you would’ve noticed the roots and you could’ve saved your garden—

*proceeds to dump apparently non-important chunk of text onto you* Anyways...

The basics of the overal plot :)

Winter, 2007. After his father's death, Adam's life completely started falling apart. Slowly, he fell out of his routine and the only times he dragged himself out of bed were to check on his dad's old room or to leave the house for says, unable to deal with just how empty everything felt after Jude left.

Just as he believed he was about to hit rock bottom, an old friend of his reintroduced themselves into his life. Empathetic yet stubborn, Jonah managed to drag him out of the Hole he was falling into and slowly but surely, piece him back together into his old self for the better, or for the worse—because, being honest, what would he be without them?—

The main story follows Adam, but there's a little subplot :)

Back in 1992, a troubled Cesar searches for ways in which he can help his best friend, Mark, who seems to be going through a tough time with his parents, as each day their fights and discussions become more frequent and there's hardly any peace at his house. Cesar knows Mark wants to speak up about it but feels insecure about what his parents' reaction to him saying anything would be. Besides, he has begun to close himself up, going outside less and less and just staying in his room all day listening to his mom's cassettes or re-reading his books, trying to ignore all the yelling outside. So, Cesar has set it as his goal to help in any way he can—But of course, a good intention isn't enough to fix a problem—

I can't spoil much because i want to keep the element of surprise but yes! There is a catch to all of this. This au was planned as some sort of metaphor to the healing/grieving process...Mostly on Adam side, but I like to think grief can come for various reasons and in different forms. But still. On Adam's side, it is about grief and healing, trying to ignore the problem because as long as you don't think about it, it can't hurt you; but it's always there, present, in the back of your mind, growing bigger and bigger the more you ignore it, until it becomes too much and it collapses on you all at once...

While Mark is more about obsessing over said problem, overthinking again and again what could and couldn't have been done to avoid getting into it in the first place, trapping yourself inside an endless cycle that continues to worsen every time it repeats, and starts over...

And with all this said you may have made yourself an idea of the basic plotof the au. YAY!

It is planned to be a multi-ending interactive au on twitter, since those are of the thing right now over there, but I would very much like to post it here too cuz yeah. This place seems more chill about new aus and stuff...However, i do have planned for the 1992 sub-plot to happen in a fic. It'll probably be up on ao3 when the time comes :)

Oh, one last thing. That big chunk of dialogue. Thats how choices will work in the au. Because, the reasonable option isnt always going to be the one that gets you to the better outcome.

and now: the doodles i have made *dumps them onto you*:

main dodles i did- there are more but i think i'll post them later heh

Anyways...If you have any questions about anything feel free to dump it onto my q&a cuz I would absolutely love to answer ya'll.

[mengyao]

4 and 16!! :)

4: Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

from the letter to nmj in the last chapter of foowd:

I hope you would wish me well. I want to believe that you do, even if what I’ve become is unintelligible to you. All I can hope is that I will succeed in making myself unintelligible for reasons besides doing things that appall you. I still have some good qualities. Some of which you used to bully me about lacking! I’m certainly wiser than I was. More patient, too. I have developed somewhat of a sense of responsibility, and am much more independent and capable. But all of that has been true for years. The newer things… let’s just say that there are fields inside of myself I thought I salted, where things have taken root nonetheless.

this letter was some of the earliest stuff i wrote in the fic, because it was grafted from a scene cut from an earlier (canon era) fic, but it wasn't in letter format then, and it of course shifted a lot to fit this specific story. this paragraph was written much later.

even though this isn't how story structure works, i kind of consider that fic as having three "climaxes"... one being the flop proposal/sangcheng breakup, one being the eleventh-hour sangcheng makeup, but in between them is the part where nhs writes the letters... this one feels like the real climax of the fic in some ways. not in terms of tension but like. emotional weightiness rating????? nhs just could not have gone on to say "fuck it, i want to be with the person i love even if it means i can't fake my death and go into the self-imposed exile for the rest of my days that is the only way i've been able to conceptualize/justify quitting my job and taking the L permanently on the person i was supposed to be," if she hadn't come to some degree of peace with the fact that she'll never know what nmj would have made of these choices. if it feels like a betrayal of family/sect/etc, that all gets symbolically fixed into grief and guilt about specifically nmj, and that's the real barrier here--not anyone else in the world at large, really. but it felt like a very delicate needle to thread because i emphatically didn't want nhs' arc re: her family/nmj to come across like "realizing that your family sucks and having a victorious fuck-you-guys-i'm-out moment," because that would be severely out of character and also the nies' problem is not Bad People but intergenerational dysfunction and reverberating tragedy. so "i love you and always wanted to make you proud and am having to accept the risk that i wouldn't, because i have to believe that you loved me and wanted me to be happy more than you wanted me to be the person i should have been"--not specific to gender but everything else, of course--was the point i needed nhs to reach. which ig i decided was going to happen when she woke up at 5am to write some emotionally raw lettermail a few hours after breaking up with the guy she's actively in love with and then having a total meltdown about it.

the story having an epistolary motif was partly because i'd early on thought that the idea of sangcheng doing ye olde racy texting was funny and charming, but also i knew that the fic was not going to work unless there were opportunities for huaisang's real thoughts and feelings to occasionally surface through the tides of bullshit, and that was easier to do through in-universe writing than either dialogue or pov narration. and i couldn't come up with a less clunky way to get some overt closure/finality over the nmj stuff, but needed to, because it was like such a looming but intangible part of the story.

so anyway. um i made myself cry typing up this blurb about my own fanfiction which goes to show why i'm so proud of this bit in particular... because regardless of whether it worked for anyone else, it has consistently gotten me very emotional to think about/work on so i'm getting what EYE wanted out of it!!!!

16: Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

lots of things, actually…

it's not that "writing an unreliable narrator/POV character" is new to me but something i'm messing around with on beefleaf #2 aka The Big One is shi qingxuan (who is the POV character) like… being a very active presence in the story As A Story. you know this post?

like that.

who's the audience? shi wudu? he xuan? both/neither? us? who knows!!!!! we'll see if that sensibility makes it into the final product but i'm enjoying playing around with it for now. it compels me because sqx, unlike most characters people think of as "unreliable narrators," is not manipulative in a meaningful way. they're not TRYING to lie to you. it's just... you know. hard to look things in the face sometimes, right?

the other thing that sticks out is that i've got not one but two wips at the moment that deal with sexual violence in some way, which i've shied away from in the past because of worrying that people would be weird about it, but i feel strongly that these are at least, like, the kernels of good ideas? we'll see how they fare in my execution lol. but also, like, xie lian's character arc is, among other things, About Sexual Autonomy And Violence in a blatant and textual manner so this doesn't feel particularly outre in comparison (they're both beefleaf but you know. operating in the same ballpark. shi qingxuan and he xuan both have certain obvious parallelismssnhdsm with xie lian so it's all In Conversation imo.)

[warriorwoman13]

My life has melted down completely. I lived in more than 18 different places from the ages of 5-18. I had very few friends. I didn’t date. I didn’t go to a prom. I didn’t graduate high school. I grew up in a house full of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I was sexually abused/assaulted by 7 men by the time I was 17 years old. I was basically my own parent at the age of 14. I had no soft place to land or call home. No one to encourage me or protect me. I felt so tiny and insignificant growing up. I was so incredibly lonely. Like the world was so big and I didn’t matter. No one knew I even existed. No one cared. I was never enough. When I got married I thought that would change. It didn’t really. He would listen to me. But that’s about it. His mom was mean to me always. He never one time protected me from her disdain. She had the chance to love a young girl who had never really been loved but she chose to judge me instead.

My whole life I’ve had to fight. To prove I was enough, that I was worthy of being loved. I have rescued people (and animals) my whole life. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt. Discarded, lonely, unloved, worthless. I tried to save my sister many times before she died, at 17 borrowing a car and driving 8 hours to go rescue her when I found out she was a prostitute at 15. Adopting and raising her little girl as my own so she didn’t give her to the state of California as she was threatening to do. I tried to save my little brother in many ways too before he was killed by a gang member at the young age of 21. I tried to save my sister’s child, Andrew/AJ when he came out for my sister’s funeral and I found out the terrible conditions and life he was living - filing for custody immediately. I’ve helped and tried to save other family members (you know who you are) from addiction, health issues, grief. I’ve been there for each of my children through some incredibly hard situations that resulted because of generational trauma and addiction.

Most of the time I faced the darkest, hardest moments alone. Completely alone. The people I expected to be by my side weren’t. Always some excuse. I was always expected to show up for everyone and fit in the little box they made for me. They could all be as messy as they wanted but I had to put on a smile and figure everything out. Be strong. I never did it perfectly. I didn’t know how. I had no role models. There are no instructions for healing this kind of generational trauma. Did I make lots of mistakes? Yes. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I have every reason to? Yes. Did I always keep trying? Yes. Did I push myself to the point of exhaustion too many times? Yes. Do I wish I could go back and do so many things differently? Yes.

My husband never really invested in our family. He took a backseat. He had every advantage I didn’t. Two parents. Stable home. Family vacations. Graduated from college. Girlfriends. Dates. Proms. College. Masters. Great jobs. Great income. During our marriage I tried to save him too. Long talks- lots of encouraging. When he couldn’t write his dissertation for his Doctorate Degree at UT I said it’s ok we’ll figure it out. He lost jobs, had a very serious suicide attempt. Looking back, I didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t share everything. His dad’s motto was never volunteer information. He’s always had secrets. I always felt that in my soul. But I still stood by him. I didn’t know how to give up. Still trying to rescue him and prove I was worthy. Even after I found out about the pornography for the last time I arranged a little meeting for Sarah and I to help him with an important interview. I helped him find new jobs. I tried to talk to him, sent text messages, emails, called, arranged dates. BUT HE WAS NEVER HAPPY. He never had the courage to walk away or go after what he really wanted. So he strung his family along for decades while he lived a double life of pornography and god knows what else. Even after the betrayals and lies in the marriage, even after hurting our children doing all of this in front of the kids multiple times, even after he slinked away like a coward, even after ghosting me after 38 years together, even after he’s lost all the jobs and is in the process of ruining us financially, even after the emotional, psychological abuse and gaslighting, even after he accused me of being a bully and making choices our whole marriage without considering what he wanted - like he didn’t have a voice - like he’s not an adult - like no choice is a choice- like he’s not in charge of himself, even after forcing me to waste thousands of dollars I don’t have on attorney’s fees by not providing any documents as required by law for our temporary orders hearing on 4/17, even after making sure he found a way to stick me with most of our debt on my $20/hr salary, even though he continues to live in his dad’s condo on his dad’s dime at the age of sixty six - He still refuses to seek help for his addiction and continues to lie and say that he is getting help. He is a pitiful excuse for a human. But I won’t play his stupid game anymore. I’ve tried to hold this whole thing together. Stressing about how the house payment is going to get paid and a thousand other things every day. He doesn’t stress. He doesn’t try to heal his family. He calls me a narcissist- that’s fucking hilarious. I’m not going to try and keep everything together anymore. I’m going to take care of me. Period. I’m not sure yet exactly what that means but I know I can count on me and I’m gonna take the pressure off me and take it one day at a time.

I’ve put myself in this little jar and put it on a shelf for years waiting for everyone to be ok so I can take her out. I’ve been a good girl and played by the rules. Waiting for someone to love me, take care of me. The wait is over. TODAY I CHOOSE ME. The person I was trying to save this whole time was me. The truth is I can’t save anyone else. I will never again abandon myself. Today I will start showing up for me. I am taking a journey. I was led to believe it was my job to take care of everyone else. It’s my job to take care of me. My kids are grown now. And now I get to give them the greatest gift of all. What it really looks like to heal and truly love yourself. I look back on my journey and I’m so damn amazed at myself. I am so freaking strong and resilient. I’ve been so worried that I’ve only taught my children bad things. But I know now that isn’t true. I’ve stood in the face of hundreds of trials over my life. I’ve lived things most people can’t even imagine but I am here and I still choose to love people. I am so grateful for the family and friends who do truly love me and are part of my life - I wouldn’t be here without you. I am so excited about what’s to come. I feel more free than I’ve ever felt in my life. And today I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks anymore. I care what I think. This is my life. I CHOOSE ME ❤️

[variousqueerthings]

ok macbeth the performance thoughts with spoilers on the way the production worked

I have never seen a macbeth version with so many scottish actors and it really leaned into it being fucking scotland! bagpipes! kilts! a whole party! lovely!

we'll start with david tennant. what really struck me was how inverse of richard ii I got the sense that macbeth was, specifically because of the dt performances -- I've seen versions of both with other actors, but there's something about getting to compare the same guy doing them. this especially since they both have the crown sitting uneasily on their head and I was interested in the comparative scenes where they took their crowns off, the whys and hows (and also ofc that richard is the usurped and macbeth is a usurper). where richard ii is like the sun in every scene he's in -- whether he's despairing or raging or mocking or being petulant or being loving, everyone's eyes cannot help but be fixed on him, macbeth is a sucking pit of traumatic exhaustion

the fascinating thing about dt's macbeth is that the sun therefore shines on other characters (especially malcolm and macduff, whom we'll get to), and macbeth seems to be from the first scene permanently in this deep pit, and exists nearly only to pull others into it with him. the most similar role is when he played "des" the serial killer, that's how utterly bleak he feels here, except here we know why he's in this place

considering how this show was very much centering itself around ptsd, and really leaned on macbeth coming straight from battle -- cleaning blood off his hands and arms in the very first scene -- and then into the woods where the wayward sisters speak of the future, and at the same time really leaned into the loss of a child that macbeth and lady macbeth are haunted by throughout (we'll get to that), one can't help but pity him, not as a man who might have been saved from being violent and awful to others, but as someone entirely shaped by the expectations already placed upon him as a man. he's already haunted by killings in battle, what is violence after that but more of the same?

lady macbeth and macbeth seem very very into each other and very much sharing the grief of the child, and so when their relationship deteriorates and they stop being in on the plot entirely together/have their respective breakdowns, it does feel sad. in some other life they might have been happy together, perhaps, but here they've wholly disconnected from each other. lady macbeth was played by cush jumbo and was sooooo perfectly regal and composed (right until she wasn't of course, but even that breakdown has something of the dignified about it -- out damned spot)! and again, they really leaned on the fact that she had lost a child, which is of course text but oh boooy in this one the child...

the fucking! child! so I watched it one day and my partner watched it another and we had a different kid actor playing, and I believe the actor on my night (from the sounds of things) managed to do a better job than the kid who played on my partner's night from the sounds of things. I mention this because the kid actor was playing all the kid roles. alone the various kids maybe don't have that many lines, but put together there's a fair bit of lines for a 10-11yr old to learn (in ye olde language) and the thing that the kid on my night managed was to really fuck me up. he was flipping intense. I am always ready for a kid to simply have some fun and do okay, especially with language and narrative that might be difficult to internalise, but he really seemed to get it! wow. one of the standouts. screaming and crying and covered in blood several times, I hope he's having the time of his life (I need to find his name)

the reason the kid played several kids was because he was haunting macbeth and lady macbeth!! whether fleance, or macduff's son, or the young soldier on the battlefield, or the witch/creature telling macbeth the prophecy about birnam wood and man not of woman born, this kid is also the child that they lost, and every time macbeth attempts to kill/successfully kills this child, he is also killing his own child, it's sooooo fucking good! meanwhile lady macbeth keeps hearing child's laughter and speaks directly to an invisible child when she's sleepwalking, no wonder she's losing her fucking mind!

especially as macduff's son/the scene with lady macduff where they first speak about his father being a traitor and then get killed was so very well acted, the actress for lady macduff was fascinatingly eerie and played as prescient in a way that never helps her or anyone at all of course

and now we come to the real suns of the play -- where macbeth is a black hole, macduff and malcolm get to shine soooo brightly, and generally I find that dt took something of a backseat to the largeness of other actors. this also includes lady macbeth, lady macduff, and the actor who played ross/ensemble (who lifted david tennant at one point with her big beautiful arms), although the former is something of an ongoing tragedy herself, and lady macduff/ross are more tertiary characters, but certainly when they were onstage they got to carry both so much of the levity and the big messed up emotions (not to say there aren't big macbeth scenes of course -- the banquet, the second time he goes to the wayward sisters especially)

you know how macduff sometimes get read from a trans pov, because "no man of woman born," well in this one as I said malcolm is a transmasc literal king! and they have my partner's favourite scene too, when macduff is informed by his kinsman that his wife and child have been killed, and malcolm tells him that he needs to take that anguish and turn it into a need for vengeance! and honestly, these two were my favourites of the show!!! and I think that was very intentionally done and very well executed. where macbeth flounders, they rise up, and in the final scene you really feel macduff also pitying macbeth as he tries to goad him into killing him. it's really dying with a whimper, and the play does not give any leeway on that, no triumph, no big banners, just... a sad story. malcolm becomes king with appropriate heaviness, and the last lines are spoken offstage (as were the first lines)

which on that note "tomorrow and tomorrow" was said so quietly and so choked with sobs and completely alone onstage, possibly my favourite rendition of that speech!

macbeth basically: local couple have trauma. many dead. trans king takes the throne

on the flipside: I don't think the binaural headphones worked very well at all. they did nothing that I didn't feel couldn't have been done better onstage (whispering/soliloquy asides/ambient sound -- can all be done in a live space), I felt somewhat disconnected from the space (I mean, I tend to put on headphones in order to disconnect from space, so it didn't manage to bring me into it), there was no way to manage volume and it was so loud my ears hurt afterwards, which was especially a shame during scenes with music, which was beautiful but hurt, the sound design was overproduced to the point that I sometimes couldn't hear what actors were saying over the background noises -- and sometimes that was the point, it did play with the idea that sometimes words are just for the characters or get lost in almost film-like speaking over one another and that's fine, but other times I definitely lost great lines in other noises (can you tell the 'tism affected the ability to deal with this?) it would get crackly when it rubbed against beards or people touched each other, and it never managed to justify itself to me as more than an experiment/gimmick

on the plus side I imagine the filmed version isn't going to have to suffer from this, because it'll be able to balance the sound far better + this sort of thing works onscreen where I don't think it did onstage. it was such a good production, it was just a shame the sound was designed for a movie rather than a stage

watched macbeth. many thoughts

[angelsmist]

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS 3

HBCU!SHURI X READER

prompt: shuri invited you to wakanda for the holidays, and you can’t help but feel homesick

contains: fluff, kissing, very short

note: happy new years!! this is a lil late but it’s ight

the days after you and shuri had sex were just filled with pure bliss.

she treated you like royalty. and while she didn’t directly tell her mom, there was no doubt that ramonda had figured it out herself.

truthfully, you two hadn’t even established what you were. it was a conversation that you both had yet to have.

for some odd reason, it was nerves. it was clear there was a mutual attraction between the both of you, but neither of you were sure if the other saw it going further.

yes, it did sound stupid. and it was clearly just a case of miscommunication. but both of you sucked at communicating feelings.

these blissful days led to new year’s eve, and also led to you thinking about the fact that you did not want to enter the new year single.

you wanted to be with shuri, like, relationship and all. and shuri made the first move by kissing you that night. maybe it was your turn.

“what are you thinking about?” shuri questioned after a few minutes of silence, joining you on the bench of the rooftop.

you were at something of a party, but most of the partying took place on the floor below the two of you. just like everyone else on the roof, you were hoping to steal some time away from all the chaos that was happening downstairs. you wore a solid cowl neck dress that was the color of a rosy champagne, which matched the drink you held in your hands.

“just what the new year will bring,” you replied, setting your drink on the table next to you. “it’ll probably go by just as fast as this one did.”

you pulled out your phone to check the time. 11:49

“you know, shuri,” you spoke, hearing the raging party going on below. “you don’t have to be up here just because i am. you can go back downstairs and spend your new years with your friends.”

shuri grabbed your hand from your lap and intertwined it with hers. “nope. this is exactly where i wanna be for new years.”

you let a smile wash over your features. “good. cause this is where i wanna be, too.”

she didn’t let go of your hand, but instead pulled on it as she rose from the bench. shuri guided you to the ledge of the rooftop.

“i really don’t wanna go back home,” you whispered loud enough for her to hear, placing both of your elbows on the edge. “it’s paradise here.”

“it is,” she agreed with a hum. “especially with you.”

you bit back a giggle, turning away from shuri to face the view below, burying your head in your arms. “you are cheesy.”

“i don’t hear you complaining.”

you pulled out your phone once again to check the time. 11:53.

“are you expecting a text?” she inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“nah, just counting down the minutes till new years,” you informed her, placing your phone back into your pocket.

shuri nodded. “what did you do last year?”

“shared a new years kiss with someone who i dumped a week after,” you snorted. “in my defense, they told me i reminded them of their mom.”

“gross.”

“right?” your voice raised an octave. “what about you? what’d you do?”

“spent it here in wakanda,” she answered. before she spoke again, her head fell. “with my brother.”

you weren’t the best when it came to cheering others up, especially when it was with grief. still, you tried your best. “he’d be proud of how far you’ve come.”

shuri looked back to you, ready to change the subject, since it was clear that was for another time. “what’s the time now?”

you checked once again. “11:55.”

after maybe a minute or two of silence, you decided to be the one to make a move. “what are we doing?”

shuri kept her eyes on the streets below, grinning slightly as she watched the celebrations take place in honor of the new year. “what?”

“i mean, like, we kiss, cuddle, have sex,” you elaborated, muttering the last part. your words seemed to gain all of her attention, though. “but we never really talked about how we feel.”

“i think i made my feelings clear when i kissed you first last week,” she mused.

“so, you like me, then?” you asked.

the princess shook her head with a chuckle. “you’re going to make me say it?”

you recalled the night you two had first started the intimacy. “yeah.”

“okay, yes, i like you.”

you pulled your phone out one more time. 11:59. “well, in that case. i like you, too. and when we go back to atlanta, i don’t wanna go back as your friend, i wanna go back as your girlfriend, and do all that corny relationship shit.”

by this point, the people on the rooftop had started counting down, along with those downstairs who were loud enough for you and shuri to hear.

in that moment, though, it was just you two. shuri’s hands snaked around your waist so she could press your body to hers.

shuri cheekily smiled. “you are cheesy.”

“5!”

you returned the expression. “i don’t hear you complaining.”

“4!”

shuri removed one hand from your waist to tilt your chin up.

“3!”

she’s waiting for the new year. and for some reason, seconds become hours. and it feels like her lips are miles apart.

“2!”

she can tell that you had started getting frustrated, but all it did was make her grin grow wider.

“1!”

the princess didn’t waste a second to press her lips to yours, taking in every part of you.

“happy new years!”

even the loud pops caused by the fireworks couldn’t break you two apart. this had to have been your best kiss with shuri by far. this one wasn’t laced with lust or hunger.

this one was filled with promise.

[callsign-phoenix]

Hello! Could I req some hc for dating Phoenix and being Kazansky's daughter? Thank you! - (N anon?)

Hello love, thank you so much for requesting.

Also thanks to @the-decency-of-merciful-lies for looking this over.

A warning, there are mentions of death of a loved one and grief.

-Iceman is the big boss, and that’s why everyone has a lot of respect for him and you

-you don’t work for the Navy but you meet Phoenix during a celebratory dinner of some kind and you immediately hit it off

-she’s wearing her dress uniform which you find incredibly attractive and you have trouble starting a conversation with her, but she takes initiative and does it herself

-she’s honestly such an interesting person and you fall for her immediately, the two of you text a lot

-you start going to your father’s events voluntarily now, just because you get to see her

-because of his sickness he wants his family together during those kind of events, even if you don’t live with your family anymore he asks you to attend

-it’s obvious that you have feelings for Natasha so your father takes her aside during one of the events, asking her about you to see what kind of person she is

-he doesn’t tell you that he talked to her but he approves of your choice

-when he dies you’re devastated but you had seen it coming of course

-Natasha is as much by your side during the funeral as she can and it’s then that you share your first kiss

-she’s not sure if it is because you’re grieving but she hopes not, knowing that your dad had talked to you about your feelings for her and her intentions towards you

-it’s a little bit of a mess but she is reasonable and talks to you about her feelings and the conversation she had with your father, and even though it makes you sad you’re thankful she mentioned it

-you start dating after a while and even though you miss your father Nat makes you happy

-she actually makes you happier than you’ve ever been

-which is why when she asks you to marry her on your one year anniversary you say yes without a doubt

-your anniversary is beautiful, she asked Penny to close the Hard Deck so it’s just the two of you, but after she asks you to marry her you and her friends join you two (after she texted them that you said yes)

-it’s a beautiful celebration with most of the people you love, you’re just sad your dad can’t be there to witness it

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