#and yeah yeah ���write what you want’ but a LOT of people have subscribed to that one and there’s a lot of comments that are just

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #3: ROT FOR CLOUT

(also on bandcamp and spotify!)

WHAT'S going on guys, welcome back to another Constant Companions Closeup, the show where we take a DEEP DIVE into what makes these tunes tick! Last episode, we went aaaaaall the way there on Not Quite There, and today, we're making that liggity-line go up up up up up with ROT FOR CLOUT featuring VISUALEYES!! Before we get started, remember to SMASH that like button, SLAM subscribe, and FUCK the bell icon. This week's community challenge: leave your credit card info in the comments! Bet you won't!

(*cough*)

---

I check my notifications way too fucking much. It's a habit I'm trying to curb, and to my credit, I am doing better lately, but being chemically predisposed to dopamine deficiencies has done a number on my ability to go five minutes without checking the funny glowing numbers on my phone. Naturally, I also very much seek more validation than I should from the opinions of strangers yadayadayada yeah that's what the song is about but none of that actually has to do with why I started writing this song in the first place.

Have you ever taken a flight with American Airlines?

This was after waking up at 4 in the morning to fly out of Houston thinking I'd be napping on a couch in Ohio by 2 pm at the latest.

I want to make one thing clear here, and that's that I made this bed for myself. Tucked the sheets in and all. You see, on the rare occasions I fly, I normally take Southwest. Southwest does not overbook flights like a lot of other airlines do, so it's a practice I am mostly unfamiliar with. So, when I received a notification on my phone promising genuinely ridiculous amounts of flight credit money in exchange for taking a slightly later flight, I thought - well, shit! That sounds nice!

This is how they trick you. I didn't really realize I'd been tricked until I was on my second flight of the day, sitting in a middle seat at the very back of the plane, heading from Dallas, a city I don't live in, to Washington, DC, a city I was not trying to get to, staring down the barrel of another flight I was destined to get on that had been delayed like two fucking hours.

I became the Joker. All I could do to remain sane was write a song about it. This is how ROT FOR CLOUT came to be.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Don't go to Ohio. And to answer your question,

Yes I am

Not really

No

---

This is a complete sidenote but I want to mention it here: I'm genuinely overjoyed at the amount of people excitedly talking about my songwriting or the intention behind my lyrics. For a long time, it really felt like lyricism was the last thing people cared about from me, while it was always the thing I wanted to take pride in the most... So genuinely, thank you everyone for caring!! Every single fire emoji people have put next to a line I've written has extended my lifespan by multiple years

There's a brief little moment where the song's chords leave the key, doing a really stereotypically jazzy 2-5 movement, and it's one of my favorite parts of the entire song. I'm not really a music theory buff or anything, and I'm certainly not formally trained, but I've always been very passionate about more complicated harmony in otherwise poppy and accessible contexts - bo en's album pale machine really rewrote my brain when I first heard it.

On that note, there are microtones in the vocal melody - During the chorus, some of the rapidly repeated words move up in quarter tones! Possibly the simplest way I could've included microtonality, but I'm genuinely afraid if I learn more than what I already know about it I'll be lost to the darkness.

Obviously, the work of Sasuke Haraguchi was a massive influence on this song, particularly the song Igaku. I think basically everyone on the entire planet has picked up on that at this point, but I do also wanna point out some other songs that were on my mind at the time! (two for three on these posts mentioning louis cole now)

I'd also like to take a moment to spotlight the vocal samples on this! They previously appeared on エビチャーハン!, and they've honestly become some of my favorite samples to throw in things. They're also just a fucking goldmine sincerely

Finally, HUGE thanks to Visualeyes for the delightful synth solo on this!! I had put out a call on Twitter looking for instrumentalists, genuinely originally envisioning a super jazzy piano solo, but their synth playing genuinely brought the whole song together perfectly!

That's about it for this song - though again, if there are any more questions people have, I'd be happy to answer them in the replies to this post or elsewhere!! (*ahem*) THAT'S gonna do it for today's video, folks! Feel free to leave a like, comment, hit the subscribe button for more and click the bell so you don't miss any new videos. Tomorrow? I Wish That I Could Fall. it hurts.

[skyward-floored]

I once again am looking at comments on a fic and wondering if people will be mad at me for the ending

[thisismeracing]

Your time | LH44

― Pairing: Lewis Hamilton x singer!reader ― Warnings: mentions of cheating; lots of rumors about lewis being an a*hole; mentions of juliana nalu and shakira, but all fictional. ― Summary: A couple months after the biggest breakup in the F1 paddock, your song gets leaked and the internet uproars about your relationship again. This time they have more ammunition than ever to feed the narrative that Lewis Hamilton cheated on you. Are they right though? (based on this request).

▸ my masterlist | my taglist | patreon guide ▸ support my writing by reblogging, leaving a comment (don’t forget to follow me if you like the piece), or buying me a coffee

September, 2023

paddockgossip

liked by ynfan, haileybieber, and others

paddockgossip how would you guys feel if your man goes out with another singer and looks this cozy while you’re out there on tour working your ass off? 👀

view all comments

sunshineyn you know shits real when her friend hailey likes the post…

⤷ pinterestyln I thought the same

leclercnation you guys forgot to add that yn and shakira aren’t friends, were never seem together, couldnt bother to talk about one another, yet this is the second time we see her around lewis this week…

randuser @ yourusername bestie come get your man!

schumakatchau this looks oddly like a double date

raintyres GUYS HIS HAND PLACEMENT!!! HES HOLDING SHAKIRAS WAIST 😭😭😭😭

tomdayastan my girl Yn doesn’t deserve this

evansnature are you guys really that surprised? He’s a man, I expect anything from a man

January, 2024

February, 2024

f1wagsupdate

liked by pierregasly, mbappeworld, and others

f1wagsupdate According to our sources Yn Yln and Lewis Hamilton broke up ealier this month. There is not an official reason yet, but most fans believe that cheating was the cause of the downfall of the four-years-long relationship.

view all comments

user44 is true love even real?

gomezracing I hate it in here

drugobitch what if its because of the cheating rumors?

⤷ rand32 but why would she wait weeks after it?

likedbypgasly and so it goes the best wag of the paddock :(

mclarenmason did you guys see that thread someone made about Yn's looks on the paddock and her cheering for lew, and them matching sometimes *sobs into my hands*

yourusername

liked by roscoelovescoco, k.mbappe, and others

yourusername making music and enjoying some free time after touring 💞

view all comments

mbappeworld I wish Lewis and Kyllian weren’t friends bc I kinda ship him with Yn 😭

hailyebieber 😍😍😍😍

sza waiting for our collabbbbb! ❤️

⤷ ynfan the day these two write a song together is the day I’ll be stuck in my room crying for a week straight

ynnation She looks so relaxed, more than when she was with Lewis

hardtyres_ I wish I could be like this after being cheated on, when my ex did this to me I had to go to therapy for at least a year before going back on social media

⤷ agoradoja there’s no proof he cheated on her

⤷ winteryln sure, except for the hundreds of pics of him with singers and models 😍 but y’all taking it too serious, he was just friendly with them

⤷ agoradoja maybe he was just friendly, Lewis is famous, dare I say even more than Yn, so being friends with different famous people is part of his life.

⤷ bonoschumi I’ll have to agree with agoradoja, there’s nothing too incriminatinf, maybe we’re just trying to find a reason because we don’t accept that they fell out of love

⤷ leclercmcqueen she literally wrote “its just us against the world” for him, wdym they fell out of love????

bieberfantasy yeah but how about roscoe liking the post????? It's making me hopeful

────── ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: Hi! I hope you guys liked this piece! It was kinda short, but hopefully worth the reading :D let me know your thoughts!

If you liked this piece and want early access to new ones and exclusive access to others, subscribe to my patreon!💘

▸ check my main masterlist | patreon guide and my taglist.

taglist: @sachaa-ff @mickslover @mishaandthebrits @fdl305 @iloveyou3000morgan @crimeshowjunkie @saintslewis @carojasmin2204 @chaoticevilbakugo @wondergirl101ks @smiithys @shhhchriss @f1kota @lunnnix @karmabyfernando @crashingwavesofeuphoria @schumacheer @callsign-scully @dearxcherry @elliegrey2803 @peachiicherries @he6rtshaker @therealcap @mehrmonga @the-depressed-fellow @cixrosie @darleneslane @buckybarnessweetheart @nichmeddar @fastcarsandshit @balekanemohafe @jamie2305 @nzygftoji @leclercsluv @graciewrote @alessioayla @littlesatanicassholebitch @barcelonaloverf1life @noncannonships @fanboyluvr @is-just-a @love4lando @woozarts @namgification @formulaal @v1naco @skepvids @khaylin27 @bernelflo @fakehappy27

©thisismeracing ― do not copy, steal, or translate my work; do not repost on a different media platform.

― Reminder: None of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps, but the work is, and I do not allow it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛

[cyrusthedragon]

Mother of his child

Explicit ‼️ MDNI ‼️ NSFW 18+

I promised and I did: Simon sucks his wife's titties while talking about a big happy family with her.

Relationship: Simon Ghost Riley / f!Reader

Tags: porn with plot, dominance, married couple, rough sex, established relationship, breastfeeding, creampie, LOTS of dirty talk, some of spit play, LOTS of milk, LOTS of breeding, LOTS of 'mama'-calling, nasty stuff, happy family fluff for aftercare, size kink, sex after some time, no "Ghost", babying Simon.

Simon Riley really loves his wife, like... possessively. Almost obsessively.

Notes:

f!Reader gained weight after giving birth, and she has too much milk. Greedy and perverted Simon can't think about her selling her milk to people who have feeding problems. He's jealous.

You and Simon serve(d) together.

(Kinda, cuz it's funny, but not actually) Bossy!Reader in the end.

You and Simon have a newborn child.

Trigger warning: English isn't my first language, so, please, write a comment if I did a good job, I need to know if it's good, cuz I'm not really sure. But i enjoyed writing it! You can subscribe to me, I'll write a lot more about him! And I take requests, hehehe, especially most dirty ones. So. Please, enjoy ♥️

AO3

"You'll bore a hole in me..." you said under your breath, touching baby girl with just your fingertips and not taking your eyes off of her.

Simon immediately straightened his back, paying attention to the book in his hands again, and you chuckled softly:

"What's going on in your mind, baby?"

Silence in the room, only a soft melody from somewhere in the house, and the three of you sitting in your bedroom: you, feeding your precious baby girl, she, smacking from the delicious milk, and your husband, trying to pretend he's reading his book. Considering how he didn't touch a single page for the last fifteen minutes, he was either repeating that one spread or trying to memorize it all.

Or just being a pervert.

It's Simon we're talking about, no one on Earth would ever suspect him of thinking about something nasty, but... You were his wife. Mother of his child.

You knew there was something in those blue eyes of his - he looked at you exactly like that one day when you... When you decided to have a child.

You weren't, actually.

It was an accident.

But when you told him about your pregnancy and asked if you should take a Plan B, for one moment after that horrific word, he looked at you, almost shaking from nervousness, with something in his eyes that you recognized as a... Reluctance? "Yeah," he cleaned his throat, moved his gaze away because, obviously, the floor was way more interesting than a damn pregnancy test in your hands, "yes, you're right, Plan B... We shouldn't.. we should, uh...". Words have never been one of his strengths, if you were not in bed.

You looked at him trying very hard to say something, and one thing in him just matched you so perfectly, that for one second you thought maybe.. maybe...

"Can we keep-"

"What if we..."

You said it at the same time, and neither you nor he understood who was saying what, but the excitement was so loud, that you couldn't resist impulses to grab his hands. Neither could he help but stretch out his arms to you and hold you to give you a hug, even if he himself was just as terribly scared.

That shit was scary. No doubt.

It would not have been that horrifying if not for these thoughts of yours. Common.

"If we..." you heard Simon speaking, felt him swallowing loudly, "Maybe, if.. maybe we can..."

"Can keep it?" you helped, squeezing him with all your strength just to feel yourself safe. "You think we can?.."

"I think... I think I want to, but.."

"You want?"

And that was the moment when you moved away a little to look him straight in the eyes, seeking there for something you weren't sure exactly what.

"Yes?.." he answered under his breath. As freaked out as you were. Of course, he was. Both of you were soldiers, to the core. No one of you ever dares to dream about having a baby... It's a huge responsibility, and neither he nor you thought you could handle it, that's why you always used protection to minimalize your chances. It doesn't mean you didn't want to - hell yes you wanted, especially with Simon, and the more you got to know him, the better you understood he wanted this, too.

A family.

A real family, bonded with each other, someone you can hold in your hand and give all your love, all your affection, untapped awe for having something you and Simon created together. Holy hell, you married a dead man, did you think you had no strength for a little human? Just a baby? It took almost half of a year for you and Simon to finally get married, you took his last name and did it with all your patience, although the boys in one-four-one started calling you Mrs. Riley a long time before you became Mrs. Riley, and all these troubles, years of waiting for something with him, all this situationship, candy-bouquet period, all of it...for being afraid of having a child? It can't be that ha-

You were selfish.

Thinking about yourself, not your baby, who would most likely live alternately with one parent, then with the other - depending on which one of you would be called for a mission. You knew it. You knew you can have your parental leave, for twelve weeks, and, and, and...

"..ve. Love!" you shuddered - Simon rarely used to raise his voice at you, and often it was because of how easily you were distracted by thinking about something very important to you. You lose your patience when you were afraid of something. You blinked, looked up at him, and suddenly he was so calm that you were immediately infected by his calmness, without realizing it. "Breathe, love," he whispered, holding your face in his palms, so huge compared to your head. "Do you want to keep her?" and when he asked, looking you dead in the eyes, he already knew your answer, but...

You breathed out: "Her?"

Eyes to eyes, one very important dialogue without a single word between you, your shiny to his bright, deep ocean blue. "I want a girl," he whispered, not even blinking. "I want a boy", you said lowing your voice to match his, and he nodded, pulling you closer to touch your forehead with his. "Then... Let's see who it will be," Simon's lips were so close to yours, you half closed your eyes, pressed your lips into a tight line, and then closed them completely when he murmured in your mouth before kissing you full of his endless gratitude: "...shall we?"

And that was it.

You lost your little bet and were very happy about it.

The little one was happy, too, sucking milk, already ready for her beauty sleep, so beautiful, and a bit... sassy, biting your swollen nipple with per pink gums, making you hiss and chuckle softly. She had her father's shiny eyes. Your love. Your precious child.

"Simon, darling, you're staring." You finally moved your eyes from your daughter to your husband, smiled at him and he could no longer pretend he was reading his book. He wasn't. "Am I?" you heard him sighing, but his gaze started to be a little more... heavier than a second before you decided it was enough for baby girl and took her away from your chest. "Yes, darling, you are," your voice softened, small one whined, lying on the bed, twitching her hands and feet, and you giggled: "What a greedy creature... Never enough for her." But she quickly calmed down - the music changed to a comforting lullaby... You could finally get up and stretch your legs, fix your dressing gown, and move to Simon, sitting on the armchair.

"You didn't answered my question."

Baby monitor right behind your girl, and you allowed yourself to go straight to the kitchen - hungry as hell, while Simon simply followed your steps God knows why.

"What question?" He asked, watching you getting your snacks.

Bare feet, loose hair, mid-thigh gown, and the wet spots in it, right in front of your nipples. You're still leaking. And mouth-watering. And holy shit he just can't stop looking at your covered chest, how heavy your breasts are, how they freely jiggle when you're just moving. "Simon." he can't hear you, all his nature is focused there where your nipples touch your closes, these eyes are wild. You watched him, busy analyzing your chest or whatever, and didn't get yet the hell was wrong, but it's Simon, so... Whatever he was thinking about he would tell you, sooner or later.

But you didn't expect 'sooner' will be that...soon.

You turned your back to him to find something in the fridge and gasped when he suddenly lifted you, sitting you on the table, face to him. "Riley, the hell are you?!-" and then you met his eyes again.

Truly, wild.

"What? Eat your food, love." his voice was strange, he completely was strange, something just cracked in you, a blush appeared in your cheeks immediately, then he pulled back the gown and your hand trembled, accidentally dropping a snack on the floor.

He bared your chest with a face like nothing happened, and you swallowed your tongue like a proper coward, did not know how - did not want to - stop him and did not even try to interrupt whatever he was going to do. You felt the shivers down your spine - his hands on your ribs, fingertips almost tickling you, forcing you to smile, but there was nothing to smile about, just your husband being odd and making your legs shake with just his hands.

God, you didn't touch him for almost six months...

"I can't," you whispered, shutting your eyes while feeling his hand off you and somehow knowing for sure he was pulling his mask up to his nose.

"Why?" The hoarse voice of his just drove you crazy. Your brain was about to explode with this sudden satisfaction he brought to you by massaging your torso and jelly belly, and you couldn't answer properly: "Because you... What are you... Just take what you want already." You hissed, and maybe it would be fear for him to feel embarrassed by your tone and hands, hugging his head, but he did not care anymore or simply did not understand that, so he just... Did it.

You felt his wide tongue in front of your nipple.

And you inhaled.

"Simon... Simon, what are you doing, Simon..."

Your voice was less caring than you wanted it to be, and he didn't even look at you to answer: "Joining you to eat a snack."

"Oh I'm a snack now, wonderful..." words came out of your mouth before you shut it, "You little pervert, are you seriously going to su-... Oh, god."

Tongue swept all over your breast before Simon straightened up to his full height - and even though you were sitting on the table, he had to tilt his head to look at you. Giant. His gaze was much heavier than before, his pupils bigger, his brows furrowed to let you know, he was ashamed of you:

"That's how your talking to a baby, love?" Simon murmured and you did not even try to believe what you heard. He continued, seeing your confusion: "I see... I'm no longer your baby, am I?"

"Wha-.."

Oh.

'"What's going on in your mind, baby?"'

So that's what it was all about.

"You pervert," you said, watching him laying you down on the table and towering over you like he was some kind of mountain of muscles. This whole situation was quite crazy, and you swallowed, losing all your boldness just because of how dominant he became, taking your hands in his one so tightly that you couldn't move your fingers if you wanted to. Breath-taking Simon. First, you met on your first night together. A completely different person than what you usually see. His gaze was on you, examining you - how the fabric glided effortlessly over your body, showing up your ribs, tummy, chubby sides (you gained some weight after giving birth and were a little worried about it, but the way he cravingly looked at your fat...), your white panties, already wet for him. Of course, you were wet. He was between your legs, holding your hands, ready to eat you up.

"'Baby?..'" you whispered under him, trying to move your feet, but his other hand grabbed your knee abruptly and pushed it aside, leaving you completely open to him. "Don't try to hide, mama," you gasped at his words, heart started beating faster, and his head lowered to touch your belly with his lips. Soft and full. "It's nothing you need to be ashamed of.. if it's not me. Are you ashamed of me, mama?". Impossible, how he affected you with this damn 'mama' spoken by his powerful, quiet voice, "You don't need to be ashamed. Didn't you say today that your breasts are full? Don't you remember?".

You swallowed your saliva, chest up and down, and your voice cracked when Simon slightly touched underneath your filled breast, "I said we can sell it... There are many people with.. problems with.. with feeding. Simon, what are you-"

"Stop asking. You don't trust me?"

"I do, but-"

"No 'but'."

You should've said something, but when he grabbed your tit with his wide palm, compressed your nipple lightly between the index and middle fingers, everything that was in your head vanished immediately. Milk ran out over his fingers, to his wrist, and tangled in his short hair above the tattoo. "So easily, mama," he murmured, following the drop of your milk, "you're so full.. and you wanna give this to someone else? You wanna take it away from our daughter? Deprive her of that, mama? Is that what you want for her?"

You just said there's too much milk in you, useless milk, because your girl never starved, but the mere idea of giving part of you to someone who wasn't his child, just made him so, so jealous. You choked - Simon pulled your nipple with his fingers as if in punishment.

"No, no, of course not, I just wanted..."

And then the moon fell:

"You can give it to me." Your eyes widen in shock. And you saw him raise his milk-stained hand and watched his tongue follow the line from elbow to finger, licking your juice. "Sweet..." He murmured, "So sweet, so delicious..." And before you even realized, he sat you up at that table, wrapped his hand around you, and pressed his open, greedy mouth to your milking breast, moaning, like it was the best thing he ever tasted. A cry escaped your lips, you instantly grabbed his head, closed your eyes tightly - your nipples were so, so sensitive after feeding, and now he almost ate 'em. Shivers ran through your body, every cell was tense, trembling legs closed behind his back, as if locking him with a fuckin' padlock pressed against your body, yet still fully dressed. "Madman," you whined, squeezing the back of his balaclava, "you're a madman, Simon Riley, you're out of your mind...Teeth-!" Your sob forced him to let go of your chest with a loud smack, just like your baby did before, and the marks of his teeth were clearly visible on the soft, full flesh around your nipple.

"Watch your teeth- god, you-" you cried out, almost ready to hit him on the back, but then he, stooped, suddenly looked up at you, so innocent, so open, that something in your gut began to tighten. "Something wrong, mama?" He said, and you miraculously felt how his second hand was lost between your thighs. Breath didn't want to recover, he clung to you, pressing his cheek against your chest, and milk flowed out of you harder.

"No..." You answered, not sure if he's a pervert for calling you 'mama', or you for enjoying it so much, "Nothing wrong, baby... Just.. watch your teeth, okay?" Eyes to eyes, without a blink, you sucked air through your teeth and slowly put your trembling hand at his half-covered cheek, stroking until he closed his eyes, "You want to be good for mama, don't you, baby?"

"Mhm", he whispered, kissing your hand softly.

You didn't know your first sex with Simon after such a long time would be like that, but his finger, just one, was in your underwear and it pressed your clit so good, that you almost lost your mind, tilt you head back.

"I will be good for you, but I'm so mad at you..." Suddenly his voice softened and your hips tensed; his palm was fully in your panties, squeezing your cunt, pressing the middle finger to the entrance.

"Why mad, baby?.."

"I'm so mad you want to give yourself to someone else, mama," and when he opened his eyes, his finger entered you on the first finger phalanx, you hold your breath and bit your lip - you forget how big his fingers were, one of his like two of yours, and there was no lubricant, just your sloppy juices. Every tiny scar on his finger was fully felt, every callus, every cut. "You wanted to share yourself with hell knows who. That's how you feel about us, love? Is that it? Instead of giving everything to your, to my child, our child, you were going to.. what?" finger thrust further, you gasped, he pressed you into himself tighten. One small kiss to your neck and you already was useless, when he lifted you again and whispered in your ear while carrying you to the couch and putting you on his thighs so that you could lay down on him completely naked.

You don't need clothes, do you?

"You were going to waste it, love." He continued. "Instead of calling me, your husband, to help you."

"Help me with what?.. sucking this milk?.."

"Exactly, love."

You would've chuckled, but then there was a crack and your torn panties fell to the floor.

He tore them on you.

Animal.

"Beast..." You whispered, putting your head on his shoulder and feeling him squeezing your tits once more with both his hands.

"Me?" Simon's soft laughter was almost unbelievable, "No, no... I'm not. You are. A little cow, mama. Leaking your sweet milk. Just like a cow. Allowing me to drink it..." he pressed his face into your chest, threw you back, milk splashed from your nipples and hit him right on the balaclava, "What a mess you are. You're looking? Look carefully." fingers squeezed one nipple, twisted, pulled, milk splashed in all directions, flowed all over your chest and down to your torso, and his hands, warm, making you whine and mumble in pain in half with pleasure, just like a cow. "Oh love, and not just here. Don't take your eyes off, watch how wet you are, you ruined my clothes," his second hand went down to your groin, suddenly you wanted to cover yourself, but his middle and index fingers had already opened your vulva, revealing his hungry gaze your lower lips. "Look at you, you're soaking, mama... Do you hear it? That's your sound."

The sloshing of your juices as he circled around your entrance, the crackling of his clothes as you squeezed his shoulders, your whimpering as he purposely ignored your hard clit - all this cacophony was his symphony for your ears, and only yours.

"You sound so well, love..."

"Simon.. Simon, please, Simon..."

"What 'please'?"

"Simon, please, I want to kiss you..."

"Kiss me then."

"No! No! Please, Simon, I want to kiss you so bad... Please let me just-" and your shaking fingers touched the edges of his balaclava, throwing aside.

Scars.

Scars all over his face.

His bright eyes, his short blond hair, and all these scars made him look way older than he was. Breath-taking Simon.

You couldn't resist the impulse to praise him like he always secretly loved:

"You're so beautiful..." Fingers ran over his cheeks, cheekbones, brows, nose, lips, so kissable, you pressed your mouth to his with a hiss, feeling Simon again in you with his whole finger. "Damnit, baby..." You said, silencing him by taking his tongue with yours.

His hand on your ass, his finger fucking you, so tight girl, he loves feeling your walls around him, up and down - you got up on him, fucking yourself with his finger, and lowered to feel how he put his second finger to your entrance. Your breath hitched as he broadened your entrance, slowly pushing himself inside. Juices sloshing, his panting against your neck, his other hand gripping your ass so hard it threatened to bruise it, and his fingers fucking you like he was re-examining you - twisting the hand, pushing in, speeding up and massaging your inner lips and your clit, making you moan so loud, thank god rooms were soundproof. "I want to be inside you so bad, mama..." You heard him, hissing in your skin, biting it with his sharp teeth, you could've just hugged him tighten, "So wet, so delicious, look at you, how beautiful you are, ready to carry my second child...are you ready, mama?"

"Second child?.." you whispered barely audible, eyes watering from his aggressive pounding, and almost whining when the sound of unfastening the belt reached your ears and the cold steel of its plate touched your hot skin.

"Of course," and he didn't even stop pounding you, that dirty pervert; pulled his boxers down, letting the cool air touch the head of his cock. Red, wet head. Big. Thick. You didn't have to look at it to instantly lower your palms down and, howling like a wild dog, grab his cock with your both hands. "Fuck, love..." He cursed, clutching your ass, "You missed me, huh? Did you?"

"I did, I did, so much, baby, so much..." your trembling voice, your confident hands stroking his already hard fat dick, your cunt, shrinking from the memory of how sweetly he filled you that last time before your pregnancy... You, cock-drunk, beneath him, full with his thick hot sperm and covered by it all over your body - your ass, your vulva, your belly, your face; he came so much then, it was your first night together after you both returned from your mission. And now you can have it again... Finally.

"Pink on your cheeks suits you, love," he murmured, stroking your cheek like you did with his, "but I prefer your tears..." and before you even understood, his tongue already was on your face, licking off salty tears, mumbling, moving his hips to you while you jerked him off. "Everywhere... Wet everywhere... Did you always have been such a dirty fat slut?.. Crying, milking, soaking... I can eat you alive. Show me your mouth," he took his hand off your butt, roughly opened your mouth, looked, "Oh, I see... Would you mind, if I-"

And you felt his saliva on your tongue before Simon finished his sentence.

"There you go, such a good girl..."

But he didn't even think about letting you swallow his spit, and while you were trying to get back into rhythm, drunk on his saliva, he threw you onto the sofa, covering you from above, like a goddamn wall: "No, no, don't close your mouth." An animal, a real beast, twice your size, towered over you, mocked you, deprived you of his fingers and you could only helplessly scratch his hands near your head and push your pelvis in him, trying to somehow sit on his cock with your pathetic leaky pussy. "Don't close your mouth, you don't want me to fuck you, mama?" Sly bastard, so different, so cold, so soft for all of them, role model, best fighter, squad pride...Made fun of you, so turned on. You nearly hated him for this, but couldn't deny how you loved him above you.

"I want," trembled lips parted, saliva flowed slowly down your tongue to its root, your heavy breath was the only music for him.

"You want? Then be good for me, and I'll be good for you, mama, your good, good baby boy, mama... I would be anything for you, open your mouth, open it, let me fill you everywhere, will you, please?"

You barely had time to grab his short hair when he pressed his mouth to your mouth, but your tongues did not touch each other, you only shared your breath with him, as you always did, and when the tip of his fat cock touched your entrance, you held your breath, feeling how, along with his length, ripping you apart, widening you, inch by inch, he poured into you also his spit. Thick saliva - that's how hungry he was for you, his mouth was full of this viscous liquid.

"Good mama," words were hard for you, he closed his eyes, stopped at how tight you were, grabbed your leg, and slung it on his belt, thrusting deeper into you. Each vein on his long cock, each brought so much pleasure to extremely tight you... It was nearly impossible to move, but he always was stubborn and even when the drop of sweat ran over his neck, he continued entering you, sadistically slowly. "Relax for me," he almost begged, and you whispered:

"I've already..."

"So that's how tight you actually are, then, huh?" Seems Simon was starting to lose patience, fingers of one hand pressed on the upholstery of the sofa near your head, the second he squeezed your breast as if in revenge: "I almost forgot how it's like...when you're not in the shape of my cock." he sucked in air through clenched teeth, staring into the tears in your eyes, like he wanted to lick them again, "But it's okay..." He continued, thrusting you exactly to halfway of his cock, "We have plenty of time to make you perfect for me again, love. It's okay. I'll fuck you 'til you'll be open for me every time I want to fill you with my cum. You like my cum?" you cried, his heavy hand gave a slap on your ass, "Of course you do... Mama's such a slutty thing, she's always ready for me to cum in her, give her so much of my sperm, so she can give birth to our future big family."

"Big..." You whined about how he was ripping you with his dick, demonically slowly to the very core, to the root. You felt the warmth of his full, heavy balls, as he promised, filled with his cum just for you, and your back arched in an unthinkable angle, as soon as you felt the coarse hair on his groin.

"Yes, love, big family," and even his mumbling reached you with difficulty, you suffered on him, scratched him, beat, squeezed him with your legs, wriggled like a snake, and he hung over you, indestructible, like a rock, tried to take a breath from the pain in the cock. "Me, you, our children, so many children..."

And there was the first thrust.

Right on the nerves.

Until the pitiful cry and eyes rolled back.

Big, big, big-

So fucking big-

"What, you can't handle me anymore?" his hoarse rough voice came from above and your body shook as he thrust into you and slap your thigh, leaving the big red shape of his five fingers. "How you're going to have my children then? Be the mother of my babies, raise 'em, feed 'em with that delicious milk of yours-" Simon compressed one of your nipples again and you choked on a scream as the milk spurted freely up. "Dirty, dirty mama..." Was his only response.

And he fucked you.

To the cries, putting all his strength into you, moaning loud and clear, just like you love, forcing you to beg for his cock, but already fuckin' you, watching your tits jiggle and milk splash everywhere, spoil his clothes, get on your cheeks. To legs shaking, to an exhausted body, growling in your face how much he's going to cum in you so that you burst from his sperm, pregnant with his children, forever, for your whole life, so everyone, every fucking single one from everywhere could see whose are you, who you belong to. This belly, squishy and fatty, this face, these tits, hips, legs, feet, mouth, this milk, and other juices, these eyes, beautiful, beautiful eyes, these delicious lips, this heart and soul - all, all for him and his children, all for the Riley family, all of it for them and no one else, no one fuckin' else. You're trapped here, you're never gonna leave this man and his child, you belong to them with your whole being, you understand that? Do you, mama? Do you understand there's no escape, he would fight Death if that sucker would ever allow himself to at least think about taking you away from Simon; he would fight Death, and he would kill it because no one has the slightest right to take even a piece of you from him.

"Mine," he groaned, sinking his fangs into your neck, suddenly grabbing you by the waist and lifting so that you sat on his cock as tightly as physically possible, and kept fucking you, beating out from you every moan, every deep scratch your nails left on his shoulders as you bathed his neck with your tears. Pressed into each other, like two halves of a whole, crazy, lost in each other, interwoven, and you won’t understand where you begin and he ends. Your cunt hurts, but the pain is so sweet that you're not sure you want to cut it, you're not sure you want him to stop, to be more gentle, not pounding you like a fucking hammer, and the angle is so right - you can feel not just his dick deep inside you, but how your clit is stimulated by him, his rough movements. Oh, this beast, this madman, this insane man... So insane just for you. You cried out, moaned: "Simon... Simon! Simon!" as if it was the only thing you remembered in your life, and the rubbing of your bare nipples against his outer clothing forced you to snuggle closer to him and at the same time as if trying to get away from him.

He was no longer there, he was all inside you, thrusting you like it was his last day, angry, but carrying you so perfectly that you could've let yourself lay on him, and you knew he would never let you fall.

"Simon, Simon, listen, listen to me, please-" your trembling voice almost vanished in all these sex sounds, but he pushed you closer (there was no 'closer') and you simply whined: "Simon, I'm going to cum, I'm going to cum, I'm going to- I want to cum so bad- please, Simon, I wanna cum, I want you to cum, please, cum with me, please-" Your fingers pulled back his hair. You yourself pulled back, arched in your back, and instantly your muscles contracted on his cock, forcing him to fall, falling with you on the soft sofa. A little more and he would've crushed you with his weight, but with a desperate groan he managed to grab your hands and, lacing your fingers together, lean on them to hang over you, not for a second slowing down the speed of his deep, passionate thrusts.

Your useless legs struggled to stay on his lower back, your breasts were shaking painfully and you felt the blessing of heaven when he clung to you, pressed, as tightly as it was physically possible, and instantly squeezed you in both his hands. "Cum for me," he moaned in your ear, his veiny cock almost touched your uterus, but it seemed that if he wanted to, he would fuck your womb just to impregnate you. "Cum for me, mama, let me see how happy you are to be pregnant for me, just for me, showing people how you love me, scream, mama..."

Heavy breathing, deep unforgiving pounds, bursting cock, burning heart, nails scratching his strong broad back, ribs compressed with iron arms - and you, so tiny compared to him, you, so little, so fragile looking in his arms... were ready for anything for this man. "Cum for me," he ordered, grunted, and you tensed on him, squeezed him with all your might to his own loud moan, and tears gushed from your helplessly rolled eyes. His moans, low but beautiful, just for you, were the only thing you heard in your petite mort.

And his seed filling you, hot, thick, was the only thing you felt.

The maddening feeling of being filled with rich cum, his cum, your husband's, your man's, drove you to a silent scream, to open mouth from which no sound came out, and saliva flowing down from the edge of your mouth only to dry on your cheek when you tilted your head back. And as if boiling sperm in you, poured into your insides.

"Greedy mama..." you didn't even come to your senses when you focused your blurred vision on Simon overhanging you, cupping your wet cheek with his large hand. His quiet, purring voice settled in your head like a gooey honey. You could nearly discriminate his words. Not understanding what was happening around, hearing only his voice and feeling only him in you, you were like gutted and thrown into the light while his sweat dripped on you from above, and his heavy breathing only miraculously did not blow you away. "Just like that..." Even his voice cracked, this man couldn't resist the devil, and mumbled inaudibly: "So good for me... So good... Such a good girl..."

Hot seed in you, his weight on you, his warmth all over you, his loud breath and your inner muscles tightening and loosening around him while he, overstimulated, continued moving in you, also overstimulated, and the movements were so...gentle ... So soft... His soft pounds, his smooth swings, almost like trying to rock you, but that orgasm was so blinding, you couldn't breathe, you couldn't concentrate on the outer world, just him and his hands, his hips between your legs, his balls tightly pressed to you, his cock inside you completely... So... Soft... Hot... Your body temperature was almost past its peak... And that gentle touch Simon gave you on your belly, lying his head on your shoulder.

After what he did, you barely remember how carrying he was... This big softie...

"You..." your hoarse voice sounded like you hadn't spoken in at least ten years, there was fuckin' Sahara in your throat, and your eyes couldn't even close from the experienced orgasm, "What you just... What you... Wha-...."

Tied tongue refused to obey.

You literally could not utter a word, only mumbling something incomprehensible.

Boneless.

Dry out.

Dehydrated.

The son of a bitch literally sucked all the juice out of you.

"Si..bl... Bml... Ah......"

And when he, as exhausted as you, pulled away to kiss you on the pink hot cheek, after all, that he had done, you nearly could look at how calm he was.

"You alright, love?"

Blue eyes glanced at you in slight worry, he stroked your wet hair, raised himself with both hands to look at you, but you could not take your eyes off him. You stared at him in disbelief or shock - doesn't matter, you just experienced the nastiest sex in your life, and he was so calm, so confident, like nothing happened, like it was a daily basis for you - being fucked 'til semiconscious state while your husband was 'mama'-calling you and sucking your tits, and, holy shit, did that really-

"Do I..." You swallowed, looking him dead in the eyes, without a single blink. "Do I look like I'm alright?... Do I?... And what happened with 'mama', baby?.. what happened with 'mama'?" suddenly your voice became demanding, insistent, from somewhere you found the strength to weakly hit him in his rock-hard shoulder, and Simon's eyes flashed with shame for a second, then he moved them from you, almost trying to hide, while leaving your core and sitting on the edge of the sofa at your useless boneless legs still shaking from whatever the hell that just was.

He inhaled, "I..."

"Shut up." and he closed his mouth instantly, staring at the floor, even before he heard properly what you said. "You sucked my milk."

"Um..."

"I said shut the fuck up- You just- where are my pills?"

"What?"

The slight surprise in his voice almost pissed you off and it was funny how he almost trembled with fear and tried to shrink under your gaze: he, that behemoth of a man, two meters tall, mountain of muscles, Lieutenant, a brave soldier of the Queen, Chain Dog of Captain Price and Commander Lasswell, trembling under your gaze, your, women half his height, twice as weaker than he ever was, furthermore, unable now to even wake up on her own, move her limbs, he was fuckin' scared-

Indeed.

You did have power over him.

"My pills." You barely raised your voice and he already was on his feet, pulling on his pants and trousers, looking for your plan B.

You watched him, nervously seeking after them, making as much noise in the bathroom as he would never make on a battlefield, and you could almost see his shaking hands turning the whole room upside down.

"We're gonna have a nice long talk about all of it," you heard yourself surprisingly serious, when he came to you with a glass of water and your medicine, helping you, holding your head for you to drink, "we gonna..." you swallowed the pill from his hands, drank all the water from the glass without taking your eyes off him, and exhaled loudly as he kissed your cheek after.

"We're gonna?.." he echoed you and you saw him squatting down next to the couch, against your head, so you could lie down and look him straight in the eyes without getting tired.

"We're gonna clear up your... This. Simon."

"Mhm?"

"Eyes on me."

"They already are, ma'am."

You could've laughed, because he never called you that unless you were extremely serious about small things in your life, no one ever saw him mocking you, or smiling like this, widely and openly, but there were topics you wanted to discuss before admitting that both of you were total perverts, and nothing would even help you clean your conscience from it.

To be fair, you didn't actually want.

You knew he was more playful, more... Different when you were alone, there were demons inside his pretty blonde-haired head, that was true, you knew the man you married, and he never was such a jealous person without any reason, and... You didn't know how, but you were sure this talk about 'sharing with someone else' wasn't just... Dirty talk. There was something else deep inside.

"You're thinking too loud, love," you heard him hawed it out and then felt his strong hands on your aching legs. "Again."

"I'm just... You know what?"

"Mm?"

"We... We should..."

"We should?.."

"We should... Holy hell, Simon... You..."

"I was serious about what I said, love."

Boom.

You tilted your head, met his eyes, moving from your legs to your face.

His deep and at first sight as if almost naive eyes.

"About?..." You whispered, feeling something strange growing inside you with every second he was looking deep into your soul.

Nasty, nasty soul.

"About having a big family." you felt his gentle kiss on your ankle, his head relaxed near your feet, he mumbled, "We already have one pretty girl... I want more. I want... I want to come home... And see a hoard of children running to me... Meeting me... And you... And then I'll sit with them, and you will work, and, imagine... Coming home, where there'll be a bunch of kids, siblings, maybe playing with each other, or arguing, or... Else. Our little world."

"Our little world..."

Unbelievable.

Dreamy, absorbed in his fantasies, soft, affectionate Simon. Telling you about that.

"Even if we could... What if something goes wrong?.." you couldn't resist your fears, not for yourself, but for hypothetical children. "What if... We won't be able to give them what they deserve?.."

And suddenly he smirked:

"I'm not telling you making a second one right now, am I?" your eyes met, your uncertain, and his, surprisingly romantic. "I'm just... Maybe we shouldn't stop at just one. She needs a friend. We were able to do so many things. I will buy a big house somewhere in the middle of nowhere..."

"With a garden and greenhouse?"

"Yep. I will arrange the area. Maybe we can have cows?"

"And chicken."

"And chicken. And..."

And you completed his sentence without looking at him, just knowing what he would say:

"...and have a daydream house with white picket fence and a golden retriever..."

"I prefer Alsatian."

There was something wrong with this man. Who was without a drop of doubt thinking that you two, and now with the third little human, can have that unrealistic happy lovey-dovey life.

Scarred soldiers, hardly married, only a year ago trembling from fear because of the thought that you would have a child in your house, such an irresponsible thing to do- and- and- now-

Now he was saying you can have more, can take responsibility for more people, more little ones- where were the guarantees that he would not die in the field? where were the guarantees that you would not be killed? where there were guarantees that you could become good parents, raise good children, fulfill your duty to them, and remain happy, not break down, challenge life, who stubbornly told you over and over again that you weren't made for this, you simply cannot have this, this isn't for you, and-

There really was something wrong with him.

And maybe, only maybe, there was something wrong with you, too.

Because you believed him.

You believed him with all your being, you trusted him, you knew he would never betray your trust, he would do more than everything to keep his promises, you knew the word "family" wasn't just a sound for him, and you became his family, he did not just wanted kids and that shitty house, fuck it, that wasn't about the house.

All of that was only about you.

Making family with you.

Having kids with you.

Introducing you as his wife, being a father to your kids, calling you the mother of his kids, knew exactly that is your and his blood running in their veins, that's your common children playing in the garden.

And in his face, which for some reason everyone finds impenetrable and dispassionate, you read so much that your heart breaks, your breath hitches, your pulse skips a beat:

Simon Riley doesn't want this house without you. He doesn't want kids without you. He doesn't want any white picket fence, no garden, no greenhouse, nothing without you. It's all is just meaningless for him, if it's without you.

You are that one thing that makes him believe he's unstoppable. You're that one person for whom he wants to try, despite fully understanding how hard, almost impossible it will be. Definitely will.

The man will move mountains just for you.

He would fight Death, and he would kill it just for you.

That's truly crazy.

But once again, if he's crazy, then you are too.

"Okay..." your quiet voice sounded in the silent room, only the cozy melody accompanying your words. "Alsatian it is."

It took a second, stretching for years, for him to slowly, with the grace of a well-fed tamed predator, get up from the floor and lean towards you, giving you the most tender kiss you have ever felt.

Delicate as silk, sweet as chocolate, a touch of love.

All his feelings for you couldn't fit in one kiss. But he needed to try.

And as soon as you relaxed, trusting yourself to his strong, safe arms, loud baby cries came from the baby monitor.

Damn.

Simon pulled away from you with a quiet "Don't move, I'll go get the Princess" and you couldn't help but giggle when you heard him open the door to your bedroom and start talking like an idiot, cuz she just loved when he was goofy around her.

In one second, promises to make you perfect for his fat cock again, and in the second after that, rocks your common child while making hilarious noises to pacify her.

"Simon!" And when he, rocking your tiny Princess, looked out from behind your bedroom door, you said helplessly, unable to remove the silly smile from your face, "I love you, baby."

His gaze softened.

"I love you, too, mama."

Oh, this man...

Oh this man!

[tenswrld]

true romance

popstar!haechan x upcomingartist!reader, angst, fluff

summary: haechan's the world's boyfriend — and yours too, i guess.

word count: 4.1k

listen to: true romance - pinkpantheress

a/n: first, sorry that its been so long...im trying to be better about writing but inspiration comes and goes,,i hope you will indulge in whatever this is!!! everytime i hear this song my mind goes to haechan for some reason sooo yeah >_< i have lots of drafts its just a matter of when or if i finish them LOL love yall tho & enjoy

•°. *࿐

tell me, do you view me the same or do you call me a stranger?

"leave a bit after me so no one sees."

haechan is popular — without a doubt one of the most popular artists of your time. everyone either wants to be him or be with him, to which you completely understand. everything about him screams someone who was born to be on a stage, stealing hearts and whatnot. with such a bright personality, it was almost impossible to not like him.

you've had the privilege of getting to watch haechan grow from singing songs he wrote in his bedroom on youtube to him performing them in sold out shows. you're a fan, of course, but somewhere along the way — with crazy luck — you've wiggled your way into his life and into his heart. the two of you were music artists wishing on every star for some kind of breakthrough to the industry (take a guess on who got it). naturally, it brought you together. you were there when haechan reached 5,000 subscribers, and you were still there when he was selling out shows to 50,000 people. you've stuck by his side for so long that you're sure that its where you fit best.

in the moment, however, you're not so sure anymore.

"leave a bit after me so no one sees."

the small smile on your face slowly disappears at haechan's words and hurt quickly settles into your chest. "...why? what would be so bad about that?"

haechan seems unable to grasp how upset you are at his words. he shakes his head with a small laugh. "it's not like that, y/n. but a scandal at this time wouldn't be good."

"a scandal?" you scoff slightly. "since when have you ever cared about that?"

he sighs and runs a hand through his hair that's still slightly wet from his post-performance sweat. "i just don't want to take any risks right now. especially since my album is coming out soon. you understand, right?"

"i fly all the way out here to see you, and you don't want to be seen with me?" you say with a trembling lip and a weak voice. you're hurt and you're angry, but can't seem to keep your tears at bay.

"i didn't say that."

"you might as well have," you spit back at him.

"let's talk about this later, okay? trust me, it would be a lot worse for you than it would for me." haechan picks up his bag and swings it over his shoulder, making his way towards the backstage exit door.

frozen in place overwhelmed with emotion, you watch your boyfriend open the door. you think he's had a change of heart when he pauses at the door and turns back to you, but somehow he's managed to hurt you even more.

"maybe you should take these too," he says, placing the bouquet you made him back into your hold. the smell of roses and sunflowers taking over your senses as more tears well up in your eyes. you hope the flowers hide them from haechan's gaze. though, you're not so sure he'd notice anyway, as he'd already let the door close and left you behind.

•°. *࿐

'cause, baby, i don't care about the fame

people talk. as an upcoming music artist, you're aware that people talk. as the (hidden) girlfriend of a global superstar, you're more than aware that people love to talk about anything and everything that doesn't concern them.

you and haechan aren't on the same level of fame — not that it matters to you. it never mattered to you, really. even as haechan grew and grew and you remained with your significantly smaller (but still decent) following, fame was never your strongest desire.

yet, now, you're wondering that maybe if you were just a bit more famous, more popular, more well known, then you wouldn't feel as far away from haechan as you do right now. even as he sits beside you on the king bed of the luxury suite he booked for this stop of his tour, you feel further away from him then ever.

"i mean, what would people say about us, y/n? about you?"

"you keep saying that, hyuck, but you're not explaining it to me," you say, growing frustrated with him. "why is it just about me?"

he purses his lips before averting his gaze to the floor. "they'll say nasty stuff about you — that you're using me for fame, or money, or something like that."

you shake your head. "but you and i both know that's not true. we've been together for how many years now? their words shouldn't matter." you take hold of his hand and rub your thumb against his knuckles. "you could have nothing and i'd still be here."

"people don't know that," he scoffs. "they'll assume the worst about you."

maybe he's right — you're sure they will assume the worst about you regardless of your long, deep history with haechan. would he start to believe them? you think it, but you don’t ask — too afraid of the answer you might receive.

"what are you so afraid of?" you ask him softly, begging him with your mind for him to look at you.

but he doesn't, his eyes stayed trained on the ground and he can only weakly squeeze your hand that holds onto his own.

"i don't know."

•°. *࿐

tell me, why i don't play about you

every song is about you

haechan finally has a short break in between the legs of his tour and he chooses to spend every waking moment of it with you.

things between the two of you have felt rocky for a while. it makes haechan ashamed to say it, but he's been so focused on tour and his new album that he's pushed everything else to the side. he's a perfectionist and he feels like he's barely made it — he wants everything to work out perfectly and is committed to making sure that happens. he's not sure how long he's been brushing off anything non-career related, but he misses you — even if you're with him.

he flys the two of you out to a small, quaint place in kyoto where he finally gets to enjoy some peace and quiet in his life. he chooses to turn off his phone, not too keen with the idea of his manager berating him about all his responsibilities he'll have to tend to when he gets back. he's on vacation and he's here with you: the one person who's been with him through every up and down.

you're laying in his arms and haechan misses you to the point where it hurts — when was the last time he laid with you like this? the revelation urges him to pull you closer, placing a soft kiss to the crown of your head as you lay on his chest. he sighs into your hair, breathing all of you in. it's silent, for the most part, until you ask a question that rattles haechan's being.

"why do you not sing about me?" you ask it so softly that haechan almost misses it.

"what? what are you talking about?" he's genuinely confused as to what you mean. who do you think he sings about?

"i know a handful of your old old songs are about me, but you don't perform those anymore," you murmur into his chest. "ah, don't mind me, i'm just talking."

you sound embarrassed and defeated and haechan wants to cry. did you really not know? how long has he been pushing you away?

"y/n, every single song i write is about you," haechan professes. "i couldn't write about anyone else if i tried."

his words shock you, even if they shouldn't. you tilt your head up to look up at him and he looks down at you with the softest gaze.

"not that i ever would, anyway," he continues, a sad smile painting his face.

"you mean it?" you whisper to him, wanting so badly to believe him.

when haechan's resolve breaks and his eyes glaze over, you know he means it. his hold on you tightens with one hand and the other comes up to caress your cheek, swiping a tear you didn't even know had fallen.

"of course," he croaks. "you're my muse, y/n. you."

this time, you're wiping his tears away as he cries and cries into your palms. you shift the two of you so that he lies in between your legs, arms wrapped around your waist and face buried into your torso, your hands running through his hair. he's apologizing over and over and doesn't say why, but you know why. you regret ever doubting haechan's love for you — even if he was to blame.

but, just as you're certain you love him more than anything, you know that haechan loves you back all the same.

"it's always been you, y/n."

•°. *࿐

and everybody’s shouting out your name

“you look too handsome to be pouting like that, you know,” you tease lightly, approaching haechan to adjust his tie fondly.

he can’t help but smile at you as you do so, his hands easily finding their place around your waist, tugging you close. “if you tell me to stay, i will.”

you sigh and place your hands upon his chest, allowing you to push yourself up to place a soft kiss on his lips. his lips trail after yours once you pull away and he pouts at you again, eyes begging for another kiss but you push him back ever so slightly.

“you can’t miss this, hyuck, you know that. this could be really big for you!” you beam, swiping a bit of your lip gloss off of his lips. “some important people might be there.”

“but you won’t be there,” he whines. “what’s the point?”

you roll your eyes playfully. “you’ll be fine. now go, your manager has been waiting.” haechan sighs and leans down to place one more kiss on your lips.

you pull away before he can get carried away. “go! and put a good word in for me with taeyong, yeah?”

haechan rolls his eyes but smiles at you, pecking you on the cheek as he bids you farewell. “no promises.”

ੈ♡˳

it’s barely been over an hour and haechan wants to leave.

normally he’s able to tolerate these sorts of things — the bright lights, loud music, snobby people all trying to one up each other. he can get by and chat with anyone as if he’s known them for years. typically, events like these breeze by for haechan. why was he hating every second of it?

it’s lee taeyong’s end of year celebration party. of course, as his junior, haechan was invited. he’s grateful that he’s made friends with lots of other artists under his company, otherwise haechan would have been long gone within the first 45 minutes of arriving. but, haechan stays, mostly because he admires taeyong and does, in fact, bring up you and your songs — which, to his surprise, taeyong says he knows you and enjoys your music.

haechan isn’t given the chance to talk more, unfortunately, due to an excited kim jungwoo who locks an arm around haechan’s shoulder and drags him away.

“ow — hyung! i was in the middle of a conversation!” haechan grits to jungwoo, lightly shoving his arm off of him.

“my bad, it looked like you needed saving,” jungwoo chuckles. “come on, everyone’s been looking for you.”

jungwoo leads haechan to a small circle of people to which haechan knows as his small circle of friends: mark, his company's beloved canadian rapper; johnny suh, one of seoul's most popular djs; and of course there's kim jungwoo, kim doyoung, and jeong jaehyun who make up dojaejung, korea's heartthrob boy group.

"yo, where have you been?" mark greets him excitedly, lightly slapping him on the shoulder playfully.

"what do you mean 'where have i been', i saw you yesterday, mark," haechan grumbles.

"woah, someone needs a drink," johnny chuckles. doyoung is quick to hand haechan a glass of champagne.

haechan takes a large gulp, hopefully to ease whatever tension he feels in his shoulders. he's trying to enjoy the party, he really is, but all he wants to do is come home to you.

"everything okay?" doyoung asks him, concerned with the way haechan seems to be downing his drink.

the younger boy sighs. "yeah, i'm fine, sorry. just stressed out."

"oh, your album is coming out soon, right?" jungwoo remembers, nudging haechan with his elbow. "congratulations!"

the rest of the boys congratulate him and haechan can only half-heartedly reply despite being very grateful.

"i'm sure it'll be great," johnny reassures him.

"saw a lot of love songs on that track list," jungwoo teases. "got a special someone?"

haechan stills at his words and he's caught in an argument with himself. does he mention you? does he say no? is this how he wants people to find out you’re together? before he can even reply, though, jaehyun cuts in.

"speaking of, i heard that kim minjeong has had her eye on you for a while, haechan," jaehyun says. he raises his eyebrows at the younger boy and haechan gulps, the rest of his friends nudging him playfully as they coo at him.

"that's the model, right? and singer?" doyoung asks. "you should talk to her!"

haechan feels like he's going to be sick. maybe he's being dramatic — its not like they're shoving him into minjeong's face and asking him to profess his love. still, he feels like he's betraying you in some way and he realizes he has to go home.

"i can talk you up, probably," mark says. "we're normally at the studio at the same time."

“i heard that shin ryujin has been talking about you, too,” johnny pipes in. “honestly, who hasn’t been talking about you? i’m surprised you’ve done nothing about it.”

doyoung hums. “she seems like your type, donghyuck! i know some people over at —“

"no! no, don't — " haechan places his champagne glass onto a nearby table abruptly and sighs shakily. "just...don't. sorry, i-i don't feel well. i should go."

confused and concerned eyes watch haechan as he rushes towards the nearest exit. he doesn't bother saying goodbye to taeyong, but makes a mental note to send him an apologetic note tomorrow. haechan sees kim minjeong catch sight of him, and he's sure she's about to make an attempt to stop him to chat with the way she looks at him with a flirty gaze. haechan is quick to turn in the opposite direction and flees out of the nearest door.

haechan's manager comes out soon behind him, frenzied after trying to catch up to a frantic haechan. he doesn't get the chance to ask the latter if he's okay, too occupied with calling their driver upon haechan's request.

"home," he chokes out. he's out of breath and he feels dizzy — whether its from the champagne or from guilt, he's unsure.

"i want to go home."

•°. *࿐

i'm in the crowd, can you see my hand?

haechan has reached the encore of his final show of his tour, yet he still feels a pressure that he cannot explain.

its not from all of his seniors and friends that attended in support of him, he knows that. it's not from the different producers and music artists that flew to seoul for him, either. its a pressure that weighs on his chest that has made him feel unsatisfied with each stage, despite putting 150% effort in everything.

the crowd is going crazy for him after he delivers his final ment, and he takes a moment to soak in it all, in hopes it would give him some peace of mind.

then, his eyes finally spot you.

you, in the back row of some random section, sitting with your manager, with a banner with his name on it and a headband with bear ears perched on top of your head. he doesn't know if you can tell that he's staring right at you, but you start waving around the banner with excitement. haechan can't help but adore you even more than he already does.

time stops for him as he realizes that you're here. through thick and thin you've always been there — what has haechan ever done for you? he hasn't given you even a sliver of what you deserve, yet you've never left him. you stayed when he was a nobody, and even now when he's been terribly selfish, you let him be.

there are thousands of other hands waving at him, but haechan can only see yours.

"actually," haechan starts, quickly silencing the crowd. "there's one more thing i wanted to say."

from your seat, you feel your heartbeat quicken. haechan is still standing and looking into your direction and you know he sees you.

"there's someone very special to me that's here tonight."

your heart stops as you realize what he's doing and you can't help but glance at your manager in a panic. fans around you are murmuring in confusion since haechan had already given a shoutout to his guests.

"they've been by my side since i was writing silly love songs in my childhood bedroom," haechan says, a fond smile taking over his features. "i wrote those love songs about them then, and i still write every love song about them now."

the gasps and shocked noises at his confession fall upon deaf ears — to you, you and haechan are the only two people in the world.

"some of you may know her — she's an amazing music artist as well. far better than me, in my opinion, but maybe i'm a bit biased." haechan sees you laugh and can't help but chuckle too.

"my girlfriend, y/n, is here tonight, and i couldn't be more grateful. wave, y/n!" haechan calls out to you. surprisingly, the camera cuts to you as you wave shyly, hiding behind your haechan banner. even more surprising, the crowd cheers loudly for you.

"isn't she cute?" haechan asks. he's delighted when he sees and hears the rest of the stadium agree.

haechan finally feels that weight lift from off of his chest and he feels like he can breathe. he's happy — ecstatic, even — now that the world finally knows he's yours.

"y/n, you once asked me what i was afraid of, and i said i didn't know," haechan recalls gently. "but i know now." he purses his lips to prevent himself from choking up.

"you've always been so supportive of everything i've done. you've done so much for me and i'm not sure how i could ever repay you." haechan sucks in a sharp breath. "i'm afraid that i'll never truly deserve you."

the crowd coos and some fans in front of you turn around to look at you. you're a mess: tears are streaming down your face, and your hands are shaking. you hide pathetically behind your banner again as your manager wraps a comforting arm around your shoulder.

"i'm sorry for making you wait." haechan puts a hand over his heart, and you do the same. "i love you."

the camera cuts to you again and haechan glances at the monitor to get a better look at you as you mouth something back. haechan doesn't even attempt to conceal his smile or to hold back his tears. there's no use.

"i love you, too."

•°. *࿐

say what you want, this is true romance

“did you really have to mention that, hyuck?”

your boyfriend settles next to you on the couch, arm draping over your shoulder, as you scroll through his recent interview with vogue korea.

you pout at him and he's unable to stop the smile that takes over his face. he pinches your cheek and you quickly swat his hand away.

"what? what did i say?" he rests his chin on your shoulder to read the article for himself.

"i mean, does the public really have to know about me crying on our first date?" you complained. you continued scrolling and laughed as you read. "in what context would you ever have to tell vogue about our matching crayon shin-chan pajama pants?"

haechan laughs and presses a kiss to your shoulder. "honestly, i don't remember half of what i said during this interview. or any of what they asked me." he tugs you a little closer to him so that you're leaning against him, laying the two of you down. "all i know is that i'm pretty sure i started talking about you so much that they just called it a day."

"you're that obsessed with me, huh?" you teased.

haechan scoffs, wrapping both of his arms around you tightly. "obviously."

he watches you open instagram and sees you check the likes on your new post. he gasps dramatically, loosening one arm around you to snatch his phone from his pocket. "you posted?! where was my post notification?" he whines cutely.

he's a little too quick to find your account and he then quadruple clicks the picture to give it a like. "babe, why are your comments off? i was about to get really out of pocket," haechan whines again.

"okay, first, don't do that, please. save some of your dignity," you scold him. "but its because people are mean," you admit softly.

haechan's eyebrows furrow together and his tone stiffens. "who? what did they say?"

you sigh. "no one specific, don't worry. some people are just not too keen about us. your predictions were right, i guess," you attempt to joke, but it only makes haechan upset.

"here, come here," haechan beckons you up with him as he sits up. you're still under one of his arms, which he locks around your neck as he tugs you into his side. you're caught off guard, but lean into him anyway, arms wrapped around his torso. haechan lifts his phone up and takes selfies of the two of you, cheeks pressed together as you both smile uncontrollably.

you're both giggling like two high schoolers fresh into a relationship and you've never felt more happy and in love in your life. haechan presses wet kisses against your cheek before you eventually push his face away. still, he steals one more kiss from you — this time on your lips — and you let him.

"okay, i'm posting all of these," haechan declares casually, leaning back against the couch.

your eyes widen and you reach for his phone in an attempt to stop him, but haechan has already dodged you and raised his hand up. "hyuck, don't."

"why not? i'm in love with you, people just have to deal with it," he shrugs. "anyone who has a problem with us can get blocked."

you fall onto haechan's chest and he gladly wraps you up in his arms again. "you're stupid, but i love you."

"good, because i just posted it."

you peer up at haechan's phone and you see that he was true to his word. all of the selfies you just took piled into one singular post to which haechan captioned 'my heart'. you watch as he scrolls through the comments and blocks anyone with anything bad to say.

"wow, you weren't kidding," you say, amused.

"'course not. these people need to learn true romance." he leans down to kiss you one more time, this time letting the kiss linger. he pulls away but rests his forehead against yours, staring at you with eyes full of love. "i love you, too, by the way."

ੈ♡˳

haechan is popular — without a doubt, he's one of the most sought after guys in the industry. he's confident, charismatic, and he's bright. he's everyone's dream guy, it's no secret.

but, above all, he's yours, and you're his as well. he has devoted his heart and life to you and its not a secret to anyone anymore.

this time around, haechan wraps you up in his scarf to protect you from the cold before the two of you leave.

"i already have a scarf on, hyuck, just keep yours," you mumble from underneath the thick fabric.

haechan doesn't hear you (not just because he literally can't) because he's too focused on zipping up your jacket and tugging your beanie over your ears.

"okay," he says as he intertwines a hand in yours. he clutches the bouquet you made for him proudly in his other arm while he carries your bag and his own over his shoulder. "let's go home!"

its bittersweet as you realize how familiar yet different the situation is. you clutch haechan's hand tighter as he tugs you towards the backstage exit door, outside where the press and his fans are waiting.

he doesn't hide you anymore. no, instead haechan shows you off proudly and wholeheartedly as if it was what he was meant to do.

[theminecraftbee]

happy birthday technoblade. for the more sentimental thoughts in me...

to say technoblade is why i'm in this fandom is just... in some ways it feels reductive. yeah, sure, i watched minecraft youtube in high school years ago (and even had a friend who wanted to become a youtuber and wanted me in his videos, before my mom banned me on the grounds of 'you're fifteen and your face and voice shouldn't be online', a thing i thought was stupid at the time and now am like 'yeah okay fair enough' about). yeah, sure, technoblade is not the ACTUAL entry point the youtube algorithm gave me to modern mcyt (it was by way of speedrunning videos in mid-2020, which then later lead into potato war after i'd already sort of started getting invested).

but technoblade is why i'm in the fandom.

potato war is what hooked me, and i subscribed to technoblade and began watching everything he had. somewhere in there, he had a stream! it was on the dsmp; it was his festival preparations stream. i didn't know what i was watching yet, but i could pick up enough to know he was rping. i was intrigued. i decided to come back the next day. i witnessed the red festival live. i went "holy shit i have to get more of this i think?????" and started watching the fandom from the outside. eventually it all built up in me enough i had to write black box; from there i tried to quietly sneak into a discord and then got grabbed by people who are still such good friends to me that i just got back from out-of-state visiting them.

and yeah. i ended up drifting away from dsmp (although i was always around for technoblade), and am here in hermitcraft land--also because of the friends i only made because of technoblade, so you can probably blame technoblade for the fact i'm into hermitcraft. but none of that changes the fact that technoblade was the first. technoblade is the guy who got me here.

the fact i'm still here... three years later? coming up on four? that's unusual for me. that's a fandom with STICKING POWER for me, normally that space is taken up exclusively by like, pokemon and that's it. but here i am.

i'm even setting up to make minecraft youtube videos myself again, just a bit over a decade later. i'm no longer fifteen, mom, my voice can be on the internet now. no one will know.

anyway, in a lot of ways i owe all of that to technoblade.

so you know. happy 25th birthday, technoblade. technoblade never dies.

[call-me-ninaaa]

first kiss- Christopher Sturniolo

Chris sturniolo x fem!reader

heyy, guess who had the motivation to write something in the middle of the nightt?!

warnings: slightly suggestive, making out, cussing

yeah that's it, please, if you're a sensitive fan, don't read this, just skip.

anyway this is a long imagine, so enjoy!

_________________

you've never had your first kiss, kind of embarrassing in your opinion, considering the age you were turning in like four days, 21, just like the three people you grew up with.

of course only your best friends knew about your little secret, such as nicolas antonio sturniolo's and madison filipowicz.

not a single boyfriend in your life either, which left you single, un-kissed and touch deprived at twenty, soon to be twenty one years old.

a lot of people haven't had their first kiss or relationship in your age before, but you still found it embarrassing to not be able to talk about experiences you've had before, like the rest of your friends, acting like you know what they're talking about, not wanting to seem so clueless in front of them, nodding as they talked to prevent them from finding out, even if you really had no idea about the topic, like at all.

despite never being in a relationship, of course you've had crushes in your life, everyone has, it's normal.

although nick at first didn't really know how to feel with his childhood best friend, who he grew up with, having a crush on his younger triplet brother, he was now happy that it's you who liked him, not some random girl he couldn't trust with his brother, not knowing if that chic would be using the boy or not.

but with you? oh he had so much trust in you, that it kind of scares you to be honest, you were there when his first tooth fell out. when he first moved to another house. when he got his first bad grade. when he found out he was gay and you were the first he told. when he got his first boyfriend. when he cried about something. when he had his first panic attack ever. when he got into fights with his boyfriend. when they broke up you were the one who comforted him, who was there when he needed you the most. when he accidentally told his brothers about his sexuality. when he needed help and courage to come out to his parents and older brother. when he would get send out of class for sassing at the teacher, you would also sass at the teacher to get send out with nick so he wouldn't be alone. when he went to his first party, when he didn't have a prom date in high school, you went with him, even on like winter formals back in middle school. when he got his first job along with his brothers and you. when his house burned down and he was at a pool party, with you by his side. you guys were considered a two pack, wherever nick went, you were always there by his side. when he moved again. when he first started youtube. when he and his brothers moved out of boston to LA. when he hit one million subscribers. when he hit two million subscribers. when he hit three million subscribers. when he hit four million subscribers. when he hit five million subscribers. when he hit six million subscribers. and now, when he hit seven million subscribers, just yesterday. you were always right there.

it was crazy to think about how much you guys were together, and even after all these years, you never left any of their sides, not once. even after a discussion, you would always be there for them, just as they were for you. it was always the four of you against the world, and nothing would change that.

the longest you and nick have been apart for, was at least ten hours, not even a day, your family living with his, as your mothers were so close, they could've been sisters. somehow, they got pregnant at the same time on the year 2004. mary-lou giving birth to the triplets on august 1st, while your mom gave birth to you on september 3rd, which meant the triplets were only 33 days older than you, your favorite number coincidentally being 3, as everything in your life somehow had something to do with that number.

nick knew you had commitment issues, along with matt and chris, having trouble expressing yourself, such as your feelings, your thoughts and opinions on some things or topics, but luckily for you, he understands what you want to say without you having to actually say it, knowing how and what you're thinking, but the person you know can relate to this topic, is chris, as he has commitment issues himself.

matt was the one who could relate to you with anxiety, not just now, end of middle school and all through high school, you were there for him when he needed someone to the most, as he does for you now. back then your anxiety wasn't that bad, matt's on the other hand though, was really something else, but now, his isn't THAT bad anymore, yours, was really really bad, sometimes, it gets so bad that you lock yourself in your room, and won't get out for the rest of the day, or the day after, staying there under the comfy sheets, starving yourself rather than having to stand up and go downstairs to actually eat something, your one water bottle that is only needed when you're taking your meds as you hate drinking water, the only liquid source in the room.

but it hasn't been like that for a few months now, which was good according to your doctor and therapist, who texted you like twice a week maybe, just checking up on you tho, you on the other hand, could text her whenever, about whatever, whether it was you talking about your day, trying to talk about your feelings, out of excitement for something or someone, or just to say something random, she was your 'personal' therapist or something, but she was sweet nonetheless, not like most of your therapists, she even obsesses over chase atlantic as much as you do, she felt like a friend to you in your opinion, liking the things you do, just that she is like five years or so older that you.

she talked to you about your crush on chris, and because you couldn't talk to nick about his BROTHER that much, not just because of the relation, also because you feel like a girl would get you, even better a girl you could talk to and ask for advice who had experiences, a lot you might add, remembering some things she told you about, not even half of what she could tell you, there just wasn't enough time for ALL the stories.

you even told her that you never had a boyfriend or your first kiss, and she reassured you that it's no big deal, the right one will come soon, which was something you always told yourself too.

you've always been with nick wherever he was, but because of a very important meeting that you couldn't miss for the world, you had to fly from japan back to LA as he flew with madison beer to australia, where you would meet them in like three days.

your uber driver let you know that you arrived at home, but because of the curtains, you couldn't see if matt or chris was asleep, considering it was 4 am, you decided to use the key to get inside, going upstairs to your room across the hall, where matt's was, arranging your stuff, you then made your way to matt, hearing him scream, which meant he was awake, because you wanted to send nick their reaction, per his request, you started recording.

you knocked three times, waiting for his answer.

"come in?" you heard him say in a confused tone, but you couldn't blame the boy, if he was playing fortnite or something with chris, no one else would be at his door, at least he thought so, both of the boys unaware that you had to fly back home for a few days.

"hey matty, whatcha doin' up so late?" you saw him turn his head.

"what the fuck?!" matt said, which caused you to laugh, glad to have recorded this, his reaction priceless.

"what are you doing here in LA? aren't you supposed to be with n-" you cut him off.

"yeah, but i had to fly back because of a meeting i have here in LA, because i couldn't miss it, i'll fly to their location in a few days" you responded, meeting him just before you could be in the view of his camera, only your hands visible for a second as he stood up, hugging you with a little force which unknowingly prevented you from being seen, his headphones disregarded for privacy reasons.

"aw, i missed you so much bro, like, you won't believe how bored me and chris were without you and nick here." because he was one head bigger than you, he leaned down a little so your chin could be resting on his shoulder while his was on yours.

"that's so cute bruh, but that's like the farthest i've been away from nick too, which kinda feels weird tbh, i'm happy to finally be home with you guys tho." sighing you pulled away, looking at his two monitors.

"wait, you're live on twitch? i'm so sorry i thought you were just playing fortnite with chris! i don't wanna bother you anymore, i'll go now." you felt bad for interrupting his game, pulling him away from the stream.

"yeah, no it's okay you aren't bothering me at all, u should go surprise chris tho, but the chat probably heard your voice at first, so i'll deal with that while you're downstairs." he reassured, smiling at you softly before turning around to sit down as you left the room and made your way to chris' room, also knocking three times and waiting for a response.

"come in?" he was just as confused as matt was.

"hey there, what're you doin' awake huh?" you asked just like before with matt.

"what the-" he cut himself off.

"HEY! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH MA!" he yelled out in excitement, ignoring the camera that was pointing at him, completely forgetting the stream as he ran to you, embracing you with so much force your back was met with the wall behind you next to his door, what they didn't know tho, was that you told nick that you were outside the house before you opened the door with the keys, so he could watch it all go down.

you could hear nick letting matt know he was there the whole time, screaming to scare the boy, telling him that he joined the discord server to speak with them.

"nick always has to be extra when he has the chance bruh." you chuckled after faintly hearing their conversation through the headphones hanging around his neck, chris also laughing, still with his chin on top of your head, while yours was leaning against his chest, facing to the right.

"why are you here tho, don't get me wrong, i love that you're back home, just wondering why." he explained the reason for his question.

"well, i have a meeting i cannot miss here in LA, so i flew back here for a few days, then i'm gonna meet nick and madison at their location somewhere in australia.“ you told him the same thing as before with matt, not knowing that your conversation could be heard through the headset, the chat going crazy as matt and nick listened.

"aw, i'm still glad you're here tho, we are getting so bored alone." he pulled away from the hug, his arms still around you, not noticing that they were, or that their conversation could be heard.

"yeah, i saw, i mean, you guys've been so active on social media, actually i think that's the most active you guys have ever been, with now which one is it? the sixth stream on twitch i think? yeah you definitely don't know what to do while we are absent." you laughed, along with chris, when you could hear nick also laughing, with matt being offended, saying that's not true.

you furrowed your eyebrows, taking chris' headphones and putting them on as you stood in front of the camera, seeing matt, and yourself as you bend over just enough for him to see your face.

"wait, you guys could hear us the whole time?" you asked as chris sat down in his chair.

"yeah, obviously, chris didn't even put his headset away bro." matt smirked, slightly shaking his head as if disappointed.

"oh well." shrugging you stood up straight handing the headphones back to him as he out it on, chris holding you by the waist, pulling you down onto his lap nonchalantly after that, your hips touching his.

"chris! what are you doing bruh?" you whisper-yelled, out of panic for some reason.

"what? i sat you down because there is no chair in my room, it's just my lap, chill out." he shrugged, putting his hands on your thighs as he puts his head on your shoulder, to see the comments better, muting his mic for a second.

"it's not like i sat you down on my dick right in front of my brothers and the whole stream." he covered his mouth so nobody could lip read what he said, smirking as he leaned back, waiting for your response, hands now resting right where your legs and hips joined, nonetheless being careful to not touch you too much.

"CHRIS! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BRO?! THEY CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW?" you turned your head around to face his, after the shock went away, eyes still wide from before.

"no, i'm not that dumb yk, i make sure to mute myself before i say shit." he was acting like it was no big deal, unmuting his mic, hearing his brothers still talk about japan.

"you're so clueless sometimes, i really wanna know if you'd survive a zombie apocalypse." you grabbed your phone from your shorts pocket, slightly leaning forward to be able to pull it out of your back pocket, sitting back down on his lap fully after proceeding to do so.

"what, because i don't have a brain they could eat?" he slightly sassed.

"yeah, i wonder how you got that one." you smiled, looking at the comments.

"ha ha." he fake laughed, not finding the joke funny whatsoever.

"yo, nick, what the fuck are these comments bro, the chat is fucking crazy!" your eyes widened, reading what the fans were saying, taking the headset from chris and putting them on yourself.

"what? i can't see shit, send me a pic of which one you mean." nick told you.

snapping a picture, you showed chris, sending it to nick and matt.

"matt, i send you the pic too btw, anyway, hey guys, i'm uh, well, yk who i am, if not, i'm their childhood best friend, like a sister or whatever, idk." you waved, hearing them react to the picture.

"what the fuck, i don't really read the comments, like, i knew these people exist, but like, what the fuck?" matt's look on his face was a disgusted one, nick gagging for a second.

"i like, almost threw up, but lemme call you rather than just hearing you guys." he announced, leaving the discord server, just as your phone rang.

"hey again." nick waved at the now visible you.

"heyy, wait, are you seriously watching tiktok while we are talking?" you saw the reflection of the app in his eyes.

"uh, yeah? OH MY GOD YOU GOTTA SEE THIS! I JUST SENDED IT TO YOU." confused you opened the app, a tiktok from chris immediately popping up on your fyp, already liked and saved by you.

eyes wide, you panicked, scrolling down in hopes that chris hasn't seen it.

"did you save my video?" he asked, chin once again resting on your shoulder.

"what?" you played dumb.

"did you save my video?" he repeated himself.

"what? no, i only liked it, just like all the other one's i come across that you guys post, to support you, i don't know how you thought that." the support thing was a distraction to make him forget.

"alright, whatever you say." he let the topic go, sliding the headset off of you and on him with one hand somehow, grabbing his controller and placing both his hand on your lap once again.

"wait nick, you didn't send it to me." confused the boy spoke up.

"what i did, close and open your tiktok again." you did as he said, finally seeing the video he send you.

"ohh, wait lemme stalk rq, cause i wanna see how much he really changed." you reasoned, in your own world, only hearing nick talk, everything else zoned out completely.

"you sure that's the only reason you're stalking him? i know when you're lying girl." you smiled at that, not because you were lying, but because you knew he knew when you were lying or not, being so close he could even tell if you're smiling or not, depending the situation, even if he's in another continent.

"yeah? why else would i go to that guy's account?" you asked him why he thought otherwise, not noticing the silence on chris' side.

"uh, because he almost kissed you girl, you said he was attractive, but for some reason you just didn't want to kiss him, if i would've had the opportunity to kiss that guy, i would've a 100 percent taken that chance, the other girls called you insane bro." he refreshed your memory, remembering the day like it was yesterday.

"okay, yeah, that was kind of funny, but i didn't wanna kiss him because of the bet he made with his friends, i know any girl in my place would've taken the chance whether it was a bet or not, but just because he 'was' attractive, doesn't mean i'm attracted to him, he just wasn't my type, i mean, he had a face card, and body, which was way too buff in my opinion, his personality was shit tho, which is the most important part, like, if you marry someone who is beautiful with bad intentions, who knows if he stays that beautiful, i'm not saying they can get into an accident, well, they can, not my point tho, you either have a glow up, or glow down at our age in high school, and he had the biggest glow down in history to ever exist, and the bad intentions stay, which as we know isn't gonna end well, but if i someday marry a man that doesn't have a face card like others our age or a body like 'the rock' himself, but he has a good personality, that matches mine, then i won in life, cause like, i'm gonna fall in love with him because of his personality and how he acts, it's not real love if you like someone based on their looks or muscles, if they have muscles or are good looking, then it's a bonus point, not the whole point of the love story, you know what i mean nicky?" leaning the phone on chris' monitor, you started speaking. you could yap about the topic all day, but if it comes to you, you're stayin' speechless, never had a boyfriend before, but gives the best advice for friends who are in a relationship. makes no sense, but it somehow does.

"like love makes you blind, you only see the good in the person you love, forgiving because you love too much, but people outside of the relationship, can see what's happening and have a better mind of what's good and what's bad, because they are not blinded by love like the person in the relationship is, and trying to let the person know about it or at least try to talk to them about it, is complicated, if they are understanding and listen to you, say that they are gonna think about it, is the reaction you try to get, but if they deny, say that it's not like that and the person just won't get it in their head, they're gonna have to fall on their face to realize it, it may seem like a bad idea, but sometimes, falling on your face helps you view everything with new eyes, more aware of what you do, and how you do everything, which some people really do need. loving too much is just going to end up hurting yourself, if your self love isn't stronger, than you made everything wrong in life, not saying to be too in-love with yourself, just enough to know when it's too much, before it's too late and you can't change anything anymore, you learned from your mistakes but will you ever be able to love again like you did before? that's the point people won't get in their head you know?" you continued, knowing everything you said came straight from the heart.

"i understand what you're saying, and i am completely with you here, but in this generation, people date because of looks, because they want to be in a relationship, not because they love each other." he added, the deep talk too deep to stop now.

"yeah, that's the problem, finding someone in this generation that truly loves you, and wants to grow old with you, like the old love kinda thing, who doesn't want to just fuck and move on, but truly appreciate and love you like no other, that someone to find is almost impossible, with the way they act these days, like i know everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck?!" nick chuckled at the end of your sentence, just now aware that your phone was literally leaning on the monitor the comments were, the chat talking about how you were right.

"oh shit, i forgot the stream is still on, fuck." you cursed, your fyp is gonna be full with your speech.

"HAH, the edits are gonna be fireee, especially after your speech bruh, like okay shakespeare, slay 'em dead." while nick hyped you up, chris was chuckling, both brothers now in the lobby after just dying on game.

"no nick, that's literally not funny at all, it's gonna haunt me forever, just like when matt said 'his loss' in a video. it haunts him till this day bro, like i don't care, it's my opinion, i didn't say anything i didn't mean, but that was some poetry shit right there, yk what i mean bro?" you groaned, still making fun of matt in the progress.

"hey! what does that have to do with me?" matt complained, which caused you all to laugh.

"alright, i'm gonna go to sleep now, talk to you tomorrow, good night!" nick announced as the laughter quieted down.

"alright, good night nick" his brothers said, matt now in chris' room.

"night nick" you waved, ending the call, finally leaning back into chris' chest, as he groaned for a quick second, holding you in place by your hips, making you look at him.

"everything okay chris? what was that?" you asked, concerned for him.

"oh nothing, all good." he smiled, which looked forced to you, but you didn't pry into it, probably just his hands cramping after playing just a minute ago for five hours straight.

chris and matt were saying their goodbye's as you waited for them to finally end the stream and sleep, it's been a long day for you, so all you wanted was sleep, matt too apparently.

"okay guys, i'm really tired, so we will end the stream here, no stream tomorrow, probably a saturday night stream, if not monday, good night guys." matt said, chris and you also saying goodnight, ending the stream at that.

matt walked out the room, you were about to aswell, but chris stopped you.

"wait a sec." you turned around, him standing in front of you now.

"yeah?" looking up, he pulled you into a hug.

you didn't say anything, him hugging you randomly wasn't unusual, that was something you loved about him actually, not needing a reason to hug you, simply just because he has the chance to. but it felt different this time.

after a good two minutes, he slowly pulled away slightly, just enough to lean his forehead against yours.

"so you, just wanted, a hug?" you paused every two words, looking into his eyes, lips then back into his eyes.

"yeah, just, a...hug." he also paused, doing the same to you as you did to him.

as you both subconsciously leaned in, you remembered your biggest secret.

just as your lips were about to meet, your right hand went from his chest to his lips, your pointer finger in a shushing manner, just lightly touching them.

"i, uh" you didn't know how to tell him.

"oh, i'm sorry, i never wanted to make you uncomf-" you pressed your pointer finger to his lips, finally spitting it out.

"no, no, that's not it, i just uh, i've never- kissed anyone...before." you were embarrassed, as he smiled.

"that's okay, i can teach you, don't worry. it comes naturally." chris smirked, reassuring you as he waited for your response.

"yeah that's what everyone says, but how does it come naturally, i don't even know what to do." you told him, kind of freaking out, but trying not to show it.

"just copy me, move your lips to a rhythm, we'll go slow so you'll get the hang of it, for now, i'll take your top lip, to make it easier for you, alright?" he tried to explain as best as he could.

"what? i thought both our top lips are like touching, just like our bottom lips?" you were confused, not knowing a single thing.

"oh you're that clueless. but before you called me clueless, now look at you." the boy tried to joke, chuckling as you rolled your eyes. at this point your left hand was still on his chest, while your right hand was on his neck, his hands both on your waist.

"okay, okay, i'm sorry, just try to match my rhythm, copy what i do, alright?" he made the instructions clear, it couldn't be that hard, right?

"okay." you whispered, your eyes once again flickering from chris' eyes, to his lips and back to his eyes, which he took as his cue to lean in and connect your lips.

as he moved his lips, you just now noticed how soft they were. you tried to copy his actions as best as you could, matching his pace easily, getting the hang of it quickly.

due to the lack of oxygen, you both had to pull away, connecting your lips a few seconds later, too focused on the feeling of his lips moving so perfectly against yours to think about anything else.

the once slow and steady rhythm turned into a quick one as you tried to pull him to you further with your hands on his neck, as the boy did the same, his hands on your waist, your back slowly leaning off the wall behind you.

"jump." he tapped the back of your thighs, whispering before continuing to kiss you.

as you did what he said, your legs wrapped around his waist as chris lead the way to his bed, not thinking clearly as he did.

he layed you on your back, leaning over you as the kids only broke for a few seconds in need of oxygen, leaning back in right after, not being able to stop, his lips so addictive they pulled you into a trance.

"we, should really, stop." he said in between kisses.

"do you, want to, stop, tho?" you asked him, also in between kisses.

"no, ur, so, addictive. do, you?" chris felt like he was in heaven, not wanting it to end so soon.

"no." you simply answered, continuing to kiss him.

"then, let's just, keep, going." he suggested.

"mhmm" you agreed. that's what you planned on doing anyway.

after five minutes of kissing, he licked your bottom lip, asking for entrance.

because you didn't want to give in just yet, you ignored it.

after asking again, he bit your bottom lip a little, which made you gasp, as he slid his tongue inside your mouth.

as your tongues fought for dominance, he was clearly winning, the wet sounds filling the whole room as you guys kissed, both of you a sweaty, breathless mess.

because you still had your vest on, the zipper still halfway down since you came home, he pulled it down completely, helping you take it off, the room very warm, the heat radiating off of you both only making it hotter.

he was wearing a hoodie, which you helped him take off, chris now shirtless as he had nothing under the hoodie, only in sweats as you were in a white sports bra and black shorts.

"this looks, so wrong" he told you, realizing how this must look like in third person.

"let's, just hope, matt's, asleep." you said to him, knowing he was right.

"i don't, think-" he got interrupted by three knocks on the half open door, the said brother looking up from his phone.

"hey chris, i think mom-" he paused, you both looking at him from your position, trying to catch your breaths.

"EW BRO, YA'LL WERE BOUTTA FUCK WITH THE DOOR HALF OPEN?! FUCKING DISGUSTING BRUH!" you could hear him say as he walked upstairs, terrified after what he saw.

"we weren't 'bout to-" chris was cut off by matt's door upstairs, as it echoed through the whole house.

"welp- now he thinks we were about to have sex." chris shrugged, not really caring.

"were we though?" you raised an eyebrow at him, your positions still the same after like half an hour.

"well, i don't think so, right?" he then asked you.

"i mean, i guess not, we're just two best friends, making out on your bed, lips all red and swollen, you're shirtless with sweats, i'm with bra and shorts, nothing weird about that, right?" you joked, laughing at how ridiculous it sounds, everything about that was weird actually.

you guys decided to really go to bed now tho because after that, the exhaustion was definitely there. if it wasn't there before, it def is now.

chris changed, as you did too in his bathroom, going to sleep in his bed, not having the energy to unpack your stuff and clean your room again, you can do that tomorrow, but for now, all you wanted was to sleep, with chris by your side was a bonus, and you couldn't have been happier.

_________________

that was a really long imagine, but i hope you liked it!

please make sure to eat and drink enough today!

i hope you have/had a good day!

thank you for reading and see you in the next imagine.

not proof read!

word count: 5242

[chongoblog]

Also, current takes on Steel Ball Run so far (for context of where we're at, we just got done with with Wekapipo/Magenta Magenta fight, so if it seems like I'm missing something, that's why)

Yeah, people were right about this part being pretty damn peak. The fights remain incredibly interesting. Despite going into it knowing a lot about the different stands and what they do and some of the plot beats, the story still finds ways to surprise me.

My favorite stand is obviously Mandom (like, come on, what a cool ass stand), although in terms of actual fights, I think everything with Blackmore was incredible, including the fight that happened as a buildup to Blackmore. I also absolutely have to mention how this part so far has shown how INSANELY good Araki is at writing tension. The way that he composes some shots during the Lucy side story are incredible to me.

THIS panel specifically.

I completely understand why people love Gyro as much as they do. I'm a little bit biased since I've imprinted on him a little bit (and my bf has REALLY imprinted on Johnny), but even without that, the love is well-deserved. It's pretty clear that over the course of Part 6, Araki learned how to write a dynamic protagonist, and he cranked it up for SBR!

The last thing I want to mention is regarding a theory that I saw that I 100% subscribe to, but I know Sen reads my blog and is probably reading this right now (hey honey <3), and it involves information that he doesn't know yet, so if you want to decode it, copy and paste it here and hit decode.

Vr Gluwb Ghhgv kdv wkh delolwb wr jude shrsoh iurp rwkhu glphqvlrqv dqg wkh sruwdov duh wzr vxuidfhv sxw xs djdlqvw rqh dqrwkhu. Dqg gxulqj wkh iljkw djdlqvw Vdqgpdq, zh vhh kh grhv d kxjh dqg nlqgd vxgghq khho wxuq dqg dovr vdbv wkdw dfwxdoob klv qdph lv Vrxqgpdq. Dqg zh iluvw vhh Vrxqgpdq vkrzlqj klv delolwb frplqj rxw ehwzhhq wzr vxuidfhv. Eholhyhu ri wkh wkhrub wkdw Vrxqgpdq lv iurp dqrwkhu glphqvlrq dqg Ydohqwlqh brlqnhg klp iurp d xqlyhuvh zkhuh kh kdg d vwdqg.

Anyway, that's how I feel about Steel Ball Run so far. I can't wait to read more.

[viviennevermillion]

Spending Valentine's Day with him

notes: i just noticed i haven't written anything for cater yet except for my dystopian au. also if you guys like my writing, comments in the tags or anon asks are appreciated! feedback motivates me to write more!

contains: character x gn!reader, established relationship in some but not all

characters included: cater diamond, leona kingscholar, jade leech, malleus draconia

warnings: mention of gruesome death in jade's part (this is about a mushroom he grew and talks about), accidental marriage proposal

dark content creators and consumers dni

Cater, of course, is more than familiar with Valentine's Day. He's always up to date with the latest trends and on this day, Valentine's Day is trending on Magicam. Every year, Cater participates in this holiday even though he didn't have a crush on anyone for the past few years. He at least always posts some themed photos and sends chocolates to his friends. Sometimes he also does little events on his Magicam page where he prompts people to ask him Valentine's Day related questions or post their own stories they've had with this day and he'll comment on it.

But this year was different.

Having fallen for you quite a few months ago, Valentine's Day was the perfect opportunity to finally ask you out on a date. Cater knew so too but Trey was the one who had to convince him. "You're always so flirty with them, why don't you ask them out already?", Trey smiled and shook his head in confusion. "Well, that's different...", Cater replied awkwardly and rubbed the back of his head. "How exactly is that different?", Trey chuckled and proceeded making a Valentine's Day cake for the Heartslabyul dorm.

Indeed, Cater had flirted with you quite a few times but given his usual demeanor, there was no reason for you to suspect this wasn't just what he was like in general.

Cater eventually asks you out with a box of chocolate from Sam's store. He's happy when you say yes and the two of you agree to go to the cinema together.

Cater buys the two of you colorful drinks and a box of nachos. He takes a picture of the food and asks you if you'd like to take a photo with him as well, which he'd post on Magicam with the caption "Spending today with my valentine ❤️ #cinemadate #valentinesday #nightravencollege ❤️" if you let him. He'd tag you in the picture as well. Cater loves to take pictures but there's a couple of them that's just you two laughing together and having fun and he decides that even though they'd probably get a lot of likes, they're special to him and he just keeps them on his phone to remember this day with you fondly.

He originally intends to take you to a romance movie and bought tickets for it....but life had other plans for you.

"This uh....this doesn't look like the movie we asked to watch", Cater sunk back into the seat and had to be careful not to drop his 3D glasses when the horrifying forest creature from the screen seemed to charge directly at him. You fished the movie tickets out of your pockets. "Uh yeah I think the employee mixed something up...we have tickets for something called 'The Unspeakable Horrors'", you explained before looking back at the screen. "Oh god I don't like or subscribe to this", Cater lets out a slightly distressed sigh. He wondered whether it was too late to watch the other movie and get the actual tickets he wanted but you taking his hand in yours when he seemed scared changed his mind. Maybe watching the unspeakable horrors was indeed a way to get closer to you.

"I'm going to have vivid nightmares of this for days to come", Cater chuckled awkwardly as the two of you left the cinema, still holding hands. "Maybe I can help with that", you chuckled and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

Cater asks you to be his significant other after your date. He explains how he had a crush on you for a while now and how all the attempts he had made at flirting with you were actually genuine. "Oh yeah I knew", you smirked and pulled him into a hug, "and yes... I'd love to be your valentine every day from now on."

"How about we finish this date with a kiss?", he suggests, nervousness now having left his voice. You nod and he cups your cheek and presses several soft kisses to your lips; the horrors from the movie already forgotten.

If Leona didn't have have a deep-rooted distaste for a lot of celebrations his older brother hosted in his homeland, Valentine's Day would be right up there on the list of Leona's least favorite holidays. He really doesn't like anything cheesy and seeing people being all lovey-dovey gets on his nerves. For Leona, it's pointless to dedicate an entire holiday to appreciating your lover when you could just be doing that whenever.

You enter Leona's room on Valentine's Day, finding your boyfriend sleeping in bed. You smile and sit down beside him, gently rubbing his ears and watching him instinctively snuggle close to your lap and his tail swishing back and forth. "Pspspspsps Leona", you whisper and poke his cheek.

His eyes open slowly and he looks at your face with a confused expression before stretching his limbs like a cat and sitting up. "Why'd you wake me up, herbivore?", he asks calmly and rests against your shoulder. To anyone else he would have said this with an annoyed tone and a frustrated facial expression but with you his tone was gentle and like he was actually interested in the answer.

"I got you something", you say and pull out a small yellow box from your bag, tied neatly with a black ribbon. "Did you get me one of those Valentine's chocolates Sam sells around this time of year?", he asks as he takes the box from you. "Well, not really. I know you don't really like Valentine's Day so I got you this instead", you explain and Leona lifted the cover of the box, instantly snorting and letting out a laugh. Instead of chocolate hearts there were pumpkin-shaped chicken nuggets in the box and the inside of the cover was decorated with a sparkling, cursive "Happy Halloween!" surrounded by stickers of ghosts and bats. The little greeting card that came with it had a distorted "Congratulation!" written on it that started in the middle of the card and the letters became more and more squeezed the closer the writing got to the edge, to make sure that the whole word still fit on it.

Leona was wheezing and patted your head. "Okay that's funny, you got me", he chuckled and plopped one of the nuggets into his mouth, pleased that you had given him meat instead and attempted to make him laugh rather than trying to feed into convention and giving him a red box of Valentine's chocolates.

He ate all of the nuggets in the box and then put it aside, pulling you into his arms and laying down in bed with you. He mumbled a "thank you" and buried his face in your shoulder. You started gently caressing his ears and kissed his forehead.

Leona would just hold you in his arms for a while and maybe spend the day in bed cuddling with you or playing chess with you.

If Valentine's Day is important to you, Leona would adapt and actually try to celebrate it with you. But in general, as your relationship grows, Leona learns of all the things you like and dislike and he takes you out on dates once in a while when he feels like you'd appreciate it. Whether that's Valentine's Day or just any other day. After all, who would he be if he didn't put in any effort after you were the one to put him first?

He definitely keeps your affectionate gestures in mind and who knows? He might take you out a couple days later to have a nice walk on the beach and have a picnic there as the sun sets.

Jade is relatively new to Valentine's Day as it's not a holiday that exists under the sea. They have a similar holiday that's dedicated to celebrating the union of the mermaid princess and her human lover but it's not quite the same as Valentine's Day on land.

"What a curious custom", Jade thought at first when he heard about it during his first year. Ever since the twins and Azul knew about it, they've been using the opportunity to sell overpriced Valentine's gifts and specials at Mostro Lounge.

Ever since he started dating you, Jade has wondered whether he'd be celebrating Valentine's Day with you this year. He gets you some rare flowers he grew himself (actually making sure none of them are poisonous) and if he feels like you'd like it, he'll make you a terrarium like the ones he has. He puts a bunch of plants and small sea animals in there that he collected himself while scavenging the ocean around Sage's Isle. He makes sure to include everything he thinks you might like. He promised you to take you to the Coral Sea and show you his home one day but for now the opportunity hasn't arisen yet so he wants to show that you're part of his world by giving you a part of his.

He puts psathyrella aquatica in your terrarium which is the first and only known underwater mushroom.

Jade shows you how to take care of the terrarium and sometimes the both of you take care of it together.

For Valentine's Day, Jade takes a free day from work and reserves a table at Mostro Lounge for you and himself. He gets the special Valentine's Day mocktails and dishes for half the price so you're in luck. "It took you this long to prepare it?", Jade teases his twin brother as Floyd brings you your meals. Floyd glares at his brother angrily and then turns to you. "Jade used to be scared shitless of the sun when he was a kid. He thought it was gonna fall out of the sky and kill him", Floyd snickered, now being the one to earn a glare from his brother. You laugh at the mental image of a small Jade being scared to swim to the surface of the ocean because the sun was there. "We'll sort this out later, Floyd", Jade replies with a bright smile on his face. The shady, threatening kind.

"For the record, Floyd was the one who told me that the sun was going to fall out of the sky and kill me", Jade explained and sighed, "he kept that prank up for 2 whole years." You chuckle. "Somehow that makes it even funnier", you took his hand on the table and held it in your own, "did you think you were safe underwater?" Jade nodded. "I thought it was just going to go out when it falls into the water", he chuckled, "looking back on it, it was quite curious what we'd come up with to explain what was above the surface and on land before we started going to school and learnt the real facts."

He makes sure to inquire whether you enjoyed your meal or not and gives Azul his feedback. He wraps an arm around your shoulder as he walks out of the restaurant with you.

He later takes you to the greenhouse after all classes have ended for the day and no one was in there anymore. "I have to show you something", he explains and leads you to the window where several plants were standing, "this is an entirely new mushroom species I've created. It's very fascinating. I named it after you." You look at the mushrooms that were moving slightly in a way that looked almost threatening. "Let me guess, they're poisonous?", you ask and lean against Jade. "Probably the most poisonous ones we have on this entire island. Actually they'd make your organs explode within a couple of hours of eating them." He said that with such a joyful smile on his face that it was almost unsettling. But don't worry, Jade naming the creepy mushrooms after you is a sign of his love for you.

You're like "is this even allowed?" and Jade is like "that depends on how you interpret the rules :) "

Valentine's Day with Jade ends with some comforting cuddles in his room and few sharing chocolates after stopping by at Sam's shop and buying some.

Malleus is completely unaware of Valentine's Day. Straight up didn't know what it is.

You've liked him for a while but you were quite unsure whether the two of you could even work out because he's the crown prince of a whole country and meant to be king one day and you're a commoner. Nevertheless, you hoped he would become aware of your feelings for him and give you the answers you needed. You considered just telling him and talking to him about this but you didn't know how appropriate it was to just confess your love to Briar Valley's heir apparent and you were also worried it might make your friendship awkward.

So you decide to take your chances on Valentine's Day. If he rejected the idea of being involved with you romantically, you could always say you gave him flowers and chocolate because he's a great friend.

You get him a personalized bouquet with flowers you associate with him and a box of Valentine's chocolates. He doesn't get why you're giving him gifts and he's just like "thank you, my dear friend :) "

He's really happy about it but he only learns about the intention behind the gifts when Lilia educates him later. "Valentine's Day is a celebration in human society that is dedicated to appreciating the one you love", he explains. "Oh...like a best friend?", Malleus smiles. Lilia sighs. "Uh...sometimes...but I think y/n wanted to express that they're in love with you", he puts Malleus out of his misery. Cue the surprised Malleus face™.

Malleus is so unfamiliar with romantic relationships that he doesn't notice he has a crush on someone until someone else makes him aware of it, in this case Lilia.

So Malleus, with his newfound clarity about his feelings for you, decides to make the best out of the rest of Valentine's Day and get you some gifts in return to attempt to court you. Lilia recommends that he stops by the Mystery Shop, since Sam is selling a lot of typical Valentine's gifts today. So Malleus heeds the older fae's advice and buys 3 bouquets of red roses, which Lilia told him are the ones most associated with romantic love, along with a box of chocolates for you too.

There's also a stand in Sam's shop with a bunch of silver rings in ring boxes. The picture above it shows a man going down on one knee and presenting the ring to his significant other. The caption on it says "Give your loved one the ultimate proof of your love". And Malleus finds one with a subtle dragon-themed design and he's like :)

So he goes to you after classes and presents you with the bouquets and the chocolate first. "Y/n....perhaps it took me some time to realize, but I love you. Would you allow me to court you?", Malleus asks. The three bouquets are a bit much but he's got the spirit. You accept and put the bouquets aside for a moment, pulling him into a hug.

Then he pulls out the ring and gets down on one knee in front of you, presenting it to you. You're shocked for a moment, not knowing how to even process what is happening. Three students walk by and stare at the two of you in bewilderment as you frantically try to gesture to them "this is not what it looks like".

You guide Malleus to stand up again and take his hand in yours, squeezing it gently. "I love you, Malleus. But we've only started dating a couple of minutes ago...I can't possibly agree to marry you yet...", you explain softly. Malleus is like "wait what?"

He explains to you how the rings were advertised in the shop and you laugh, putting one on your finger and the other one on his. "Well, an accidental proposal was not on my list of things I expected to happen today, but I will never forget about this", you snicker and Malleus laughs along with you, glad you're taking his awkward mistake with humor, "let's take these rings as a promise of our love for now. We'll worry about the future when we get there."

You gently cup his cheek. "May I kiss you?", you ask and Malleus nods, leaning close until his lips meet yours in a soft and loving kiss. He holds you gently in his arms and looks into your eyes with a happy smile. "I love you, my dearest. Next year you should show me all about celebrating Valentine's Day."

[madness-of-void]

Since I've been seeing it a lot lately, weirdly enough, I wanna say how I hc Ink is as a parent:

He already has to write things down on his scarf, yeah? Well, I think he would do the same with his kiddos. Except! That's so much info to have. Especially if you subscribe to the belief he has multiple kids with multiple people at once instead of only one set of kids with X person.

So, for each kid, he has a notebook dedicated to them. He has a list of things they like, things they don't, what they're scared of, how to do bedtime routines, ect ect.

Of course, at first, it's hard as hell for him to keep all that organized, to be organized in general, and he definitely stumbled around. But he at least TRIED. STILL tries. It comes a little easier for him as time goes on, but he still relies on the notebooks. Especially as the kiddos get older and they mold into different personalities.

He also has to create a place for them to live. Can't just have them wander around the Doodlesphere all willy nilly! Well, he could, but he would definitely not want to go on a hunt for the missing tyke as well as possibly explaining what happened to the other parent. So a legit home with bedrooms and other needs it is!

Speaking of other needs...kids gotta eat, right? Crap. That means he has to learn how to make at least something from time-to-time. Can't keep constantly eating out! That's such a hassle! Plus, it's not healthy (several Toriels told him so). Cue many burnt to hell meals, several almost house fires, and just going out for food anyways before he can figure out how to make something at least edible. Even then, it takes even longer for what he can make to taste good.

Lots of frustration. Lots of calls to his dads, Blue and Dream, sometimes a Toriel or two, sometimes even another Sans or a Papyrus, begging for help. Lots of zoning out from the stress coz this was easier when he was by himself, but he helped create the little thing reliant on him and will never forget him and won't abandon him like his own creator so he needs to be on top of it and stars how does Dream do this all the time with an entire Multiverse!

And he has yet another conundrum to deal with: his paints are mixing oddly. He doesn't understand why he became so highly protective of the little one in his arms when it was suggested he should put them up for adoption (no one ever suggested that again, they did not want to see a raging Ink a second time). Or why whenever they look at him he gets this warm, fuzzy 'feeling'. He mixed his paints as usual, and even changed it up a few times. Still the same protectiveness and the weird 'feeling'.

It takes an embarrassingly long time before he finally takes about it with someone, it just comes up randomly in said conversation, and he finds out what it all is is parental love. Love so strong that it overrides his paints somehow. Just like with everything else, he has no idea what to do. Technically, this shouldn't be possible! Or...he thought it wouldn't be. It also takes an embarrassingly long time for it to click for him that this is a thing, and it's not going to go away. When it finally sets in...he tells the kiddo(s) that he loves them, absolutely sobbing and smiling a little too wide coz, wow, he can feel love! And he doesn't miss a single moment to announce it to anyone who listens (pay no mind to the pics he shares of the ankle biter, he's just excited).

What about the other parent?

Well, depending on who it is, it shouldn't be too much work to convince them to be in the little one's life. Definitely no moving in (he has thought about it, scripts be damned), but there should be slotted times for everyone to be together, or the kids having time with their other parent. Hell, might even be the other parent who suggests all the things and they might be the one who has the kid living with them while Ink is the one with visitation (and in that case he visits daily coz he is just too fond and protective).

But what if the other parent is one of those that just...wants nothing to do with the little one they helped make? Well...it'll be hard. At first, Ink won't make a fuss. He has plenty of people who would help him. The kiddos don't need the other parent! But as time goes on, and maybe a few curious questions from said little one...he will feel another surge of protectiveness. He never hid who the other parent was, and has asked everyone else not to either, but now it's more serious. Nights of cries for someone never there, hundreds of questions why the other "doesn't love me"...Ink will not stand it. He will invade the other's space with a passionate and firm speech. All he's asking for is just every other weekend with the kid, and they have 2 months to prepare to pick them up at the home he made in the Doodlesphere. He won't force them to come, to be in the child's life. But he has to try. If they don't show up, then he has something planned instead for the whole weekend, on top of apologizing for something not his fault. At least he tried...and hopefully that's enough.

And, wow. That's it. I got my ramblings out. All done. Pretty sure nobody would subscribe to this, but eh. Everyone has their own headcannons and what have you. It's all in a bit of fun!

Now, if you excuse me...I have a fic to write about this...

[nalyra-dreaming]

My ask got deleted before I could send so i'm not sure if you received it.

What do you think about the fanon transmasc Louis? I started reading fics and a lot of them have him pregnant or he is given female pronouns by fans on social medias, i'v been seeing a lot of fanarts with him as a woman recently.

I don't see the other male characters feminized like that. I know it's just a fanon but it seems popularized,it must come from somewhere? did I miss something?

I could understand a more gender fluid Lestat now since the new trailer but Louis has never appears to me as feminine.

I'm not saying he's hypermasculine either Louis is handsome with soft features but still masculine.

I hope i'm not being insensitive so please just delete if it's a problematic subject.I didn't even know about transmasculinity before and had to Google.

I have theorized maybe it's because Anne Rice saw Louis as herself.

(yeah this is a bit of a touchy subject, I guess^^)

That last part definitely plays into it. Louis is Anne‘s (mourning) self-insert. Later on though… that was Lestat(!)

I personally don’t subscribe to Louis being overly feminine. Louis is a gay man in the show, he is no woman. He and Lestat are not a heterosexual couple. There’s no man or woman in their relationship, no matter the meta level comments of the show.

I know of this fandom‘s focus on this, but I personally think it is because the view (of some) on Louis is quite skewed. He is the victim to many (only), no agency whatsoever, and it bleeds into other preconceptions. (Btw the only “real Louis“ - apart from glimpses - we saw was at the end of s8…)

Which is a disservice to his character, imho, and I hope it changes through the upcoming seasons.

General fandom‘s calling male characters “she“ or “babygirl“ or whatever is something else though^^. And not limited to them at all.

Also, and apart from my comments above: Fanfiction is the place to explore facets, or fantasies. If people want to write transmasc Louis or mpreg etc, then please, by all means, go ahead. Have fun.

Just tag it, please^^

[thinking-emoji]

wait you’re cooking. it wasn’t a hiatus (just a dapg hiatus) it just wasn’t the content everyone wanted/liked/were used to/whatever.

writing a book and pitching shows and preparing and going on tour is hard work. he was working he just… wasn’t like live streaming writing lol. also he was extremely depressed for a while. obviously that warrants a break.

but i do think you’re right about people just not liking it so they just kind of black it out. which like, if you don’t like something, fine. but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t doing anything. and also, like you said, covid fucked everyone’s sense of time so like. it feels like it’s been 50 billion years since 2018, not 6. which obviously doesn’t help.

Thank you! People in the notes of the post also pointed out how dnp had been doing A Lot of work in the mid 2010s (remember when we had 3 liveshows every week, including one on the BBC?), so it didn't help that phannies were unbelievably spoiled in terms of regular content. But I also don't think it's fair to dnp to expect them to never change the type of content they want to put out. Like, phannies keep saying they'd still love weekly livestreams where Dan just sits at his desk and yaps for an hour, and like. I'm sure he could do that. But I genuinely don't think he'd be more successful with it than with what he did do.

Like. Look at the other popular youtubers from the time of dnp's zenith. Zoella stopped posting. Marcus Butler stopped posting. Troye Sivan has fully pivoted towards music. Connor Franta gets 40k views on his videos. Tyler Oakley streams on twitch? For 60k subscribers, idk how many people he's usually got online in there? And like, the big guns? Shane Dawson? Pewdiepie? Should've quit! Jenna Marbles? Did quit!

I'm rambling on again but like. People need to understand that being a YouTuber from 2014 is not a long-term sustainable job. I honestly think it's almost a miracle that the phandom is still so committed and that they managed to keep their engagement so high (coming out at a time when most people expected their careers to be over probably helped a lot though. To be clear I don't think they came out in order to revive their careers, not at all, but I'm convinced it helped. A lot.)

But yeah what I was saying is. I get that phannies want the content they know and that they grew to love dnp for. So do I!!! But I think we're overestimating our stamina in watching the same thing for years and years and years without ever getting a taste of what it feels like to *miss* that thing. I don't know if the gaming channel return would have been as successful as it was if they both (especially Dan) hadn't disappointed us a little before. And like, I'm kinda sad for Dan bc I don't think that was his plan. I would love to like WAD! I would love to see the vod have millions of views! But unfortunately, I don't love it, and I don't want to click on it when I see it in my recommended, and it feels even more disrespectful to give it sympathy views. Because I want to have fun watching Dan and Phil. And I think we all do.

[zahri-melitor]

I don't know if it's just me but it feels like alot of the points people use to criticise Tim are things that can actually be seen with early Damian writing. The too smart, dangerous, over-competent and slightly murderous character doesn't really fit Tim as a character even though he's ascribed to that and criticised for it but it can easily be seen with Damian.

I don't hate Damian as a character, but I get what you mean about it being tiring that DC keeps pushing him to the top of the totem pole especially since the way the do that is by making other characters seem incompetent and by ignoring other characters. Also correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Cass, Barbara or Tim have been on the Justice League but Damian as a teen younger than them technically is/was?

Oh boy. Late response on this, but I've been playing with it for a while.

Starting with the last point first: Tim’s actually the only one of those three who hasn’t been on a main universe Justice League at any point.

Barbara was a member of the JLA after the Morrison reboot for quite a while between 1998-2000. She’s also got the tendency to pop up in JL stories and events as one of the computer folk helping maintain their systems. She’s certainly more focused on her OWN team and I don’t think she’s ever been a member as Batgirl, but as Oracle? As Lian Harper says in Titans #1 (1999), she’s secretly running the League.

Cass was a member of Justice League Elite, a morally ambiguous Justice League spinoff coming out of one of the more confusing JLA arcs. She was placed on the team undercover as ‘Kasumi’ by Bruce essentially as a spy. In tone it feels like DC trying their hand at a The Authority ripoff before they gobbled Wildstorm up. Is it a good series? No, but it does mean Cass has been on a Justice League team with Wally, Ollie, and a bunch of Z-listers you’ve never heard of. (Someone is now going to defend oh Manitou Dawn to me and while I DO like her, she's a Z-lister, sorry)

Digression aside!

I think a lot of the time when people are arguing against a character, they are frequently complaining about the flanderised, fanonised version of that character that they trip over in fic all the time more than the character on page in comics. Not always! But those do tend to irritate people more.

In terms of "what people want to argue fanon Tim to be, Damian already is" sort of? I mean there are multiple fanon versions of Tim, but yes, "too smart, dangerous, over-competent and slightly murderous" is a common one among people who want to really insist Tim killed lots and lots and lots of people in Red Robin #8 (a reading I do not subscribe to). It is equally an okay but not great description of Damian, in that I would mostly place even early Damian as 'dangerously violent' not 'murderous' by BFTC.

I don't think it's great in terms of complete accuracy for either of them, but yeah, if you boil things down, it's closer to Damian's actual character than Tim's.

In terms of DC pushing them: yeah, Damian by being THE Robin between 2009 and 2019 or so got a solid editorial pitch as a central character, because 'Robin' as a title has that extra cachet outside of intense comics nerd circles. There were events and storylines that centred his position as The Robin, but equally it comes out in basic things like...which characters are prioritised to appear in anthologies! If we are writing a Batman Christmas story, let's have it feature Bruce and Damian, or Bruce, Dick, Damian and Barbara. And so on.

Now whether Damian's getting prioritised over every other 'kid' of the family is a murky discussion - there's a place for the conversation that certain writers in particular had a tendency to focus on Damian being Bruce's biological kid, over and above the adopted children - but generally it comes and goes in waves and with what stories are pitched. It's very clear when you read comics that some writers just like using particular characters more than others. There's often stories written where to make the story work, someone has to be left holding the idiot ball or being needlessly aggressive, to provide conflict, and writers who do this obviously have to choose someone to do it for them. If a story is centring Damian, generally he isn't going to be the one who finds out he's wrong after providing the conflict. If it's centring say Tim, then Damian might be used to push the narrative forward. And when a writer does like one character more than another, they might choose the one they don't intend to write often as the one who gets stuck being idiot ball.

TL;DR: on some occasions Damian might be being prioritised. On others he isn't. He got a lot of spotlight to himself during the 2010s; that's been more balanced since then (honestly Dick has been the one hogging spotlight for the last few years, if anyone).

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi. Sorry to bother you, Sophie. But I need some advice. I need to know if I might have accidentally created a tulpa. Because I’m panicking.

There’s this character. That I hyperfixated on. I suffer from psychosis, and my episodes have been getting increasingly worse. One of my coping mechanisms has been projecting all of my problems onto a character and subsequently obsessing over them. I made this version of them that lived inside my head that I would just monologue to while pacing around the room and gesturing wildly to the air. I idolized them. Made them real to me. Pretended to be them for the sense of power I got.

Recently I’ve been having some very… weird interactions with that character and their source material. I don’t know how much detail I want to go into, or if I’m even able to explain. I thought it might have just been my psychosis acting up. But things got really weird today, and it culminated with me self-harming. I took a shower with some lavender to calm down, and now I’m messaging you because you’re tumblr’s prime expert on tulpas.

The idea that this character might live inside my head now, permanently… that is scary. For one, they don’t deserve that. They’re awesome and amazing and definitely don’t deserve to be stuck inside a scrawny psycho. For two, do they carry over all of the mental issues that I heaped onto them as a coping mechanism? I don’t have the mental fortitude to handle that. As was demonstrated today. For three, what if they hate me? For accidentally getting them stuck here?

I don’t know. If you could direct me to any resources that would be great.

First, sorry for taking a while to get to this.

If this anon was you...

I've just had a lot of asks over the past week, and it's hard to keep up with them all. My inbox is currently at 235, and sometimes I'll go to bed and wake up to see I have 7 new asks. (Though some are duplicates.)

I try to keep up with them, but things can get lost.

That said, I realize this was an important one, so I'm sorry about that.

Although, if the second anon isn't the first one and those are unrelated... then yeah, Tumblr ate it. 🤷‍♀️

...

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I know it's confusing and stressful.

I'm not too educated on psychotic disorders and how they might influence plurality, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

But there are aspects of your story that seem familiar to myself as a tulpa. When you mention this...

Pretended to be them for the sense of power I got.

It sounds similar to how my host thought of me when we started our proto-switching. It wasn't for a sense of power, but to understand the character he was writing better. But he would often "pretend to be me" to get into that sort of mindset.

Thinking back, I think what was happening was at least a little bit dissociative, where he would "become" me for a time. I don't consider this the same as our full switches that we learned later. But they were at least partial switches or blending.

I wonder if something similar might be going on here.

For two, do they carry over all of the mental issues that I heaped onto them as a coping mechanism?

All your headmates share a brain. If there are mental issues present, then they're going to affect all your headmates. Regardless of whether you feel that you gave those issues to them.

But I think that's okay. If you think about created headmates like children in this regard, I don't subscribe to the idea that people with genetic disorders shouldn't reproduce because their children could inherit those. I'm speaking as someone whose host's father has schizophrenia. And so I see no issue with making headmates just because those headmates might have mental problems as well.

I don’t have the mental fortitude to handle that. As was demonstrated today.

I don't believe that. Discovering a headmate is always scariest in the beginning. But you get used to it over time. And not really a lot of time either. A month down the road, and there's a good chance that being plural will feel normal. At least relatively to how it feels now.

You had a bad day. But you can move forward. A bad day, or even a few bad days, doesn't define you.

And maybe you'll find that you can be even stronger together. Some tulpa systems have reported that having a tulpa helped them deal with their psychosis, even helping them tell when they might be having a hallucination or delusion from it.

For three, what if they hate me? For accidentally getting them stuck here?

You didn't really get them stuck there. You just... created them. It's not like they would be somewhere else if you hadn't made them, despite what their exo-memories might tell them. If they're a tulpa, they wouldn't exist without you. You gave them a life. And that's cool.

I can't speak for your tulpa. But maybe you should let them speak for themselves and discuss your thoughts with them like adults.

I think it's unlikely that they'll hate you for making them. If they do though, all you can do is try to do better by them. Repairing a relationship isn't always easy, but you can with work.

And since you clearly care about them, I think the work would be worth it.

I might recommend this guide on how to be the best host you can to get started.

Wishing you both better days to come! 💖

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph :) Just a silly little question, out of curiosity. How do you personally find new stuff to read? Do you still go into the recent uploads of your pairings and just ... browse? Or do you mostly search for specific tags and scenarios? Or maybe you get most of your new reads from one of your own "What to read next?" list or from other people's recommendations or just follow the uploads from authors that you already know and like? I am asking because as a reader I grow "fandom fatigued" very easily. I very much enjoy looking through specific tags to find new gems but as soon as it turns into "work" because I have already read all the "obvious" picks I very easily drift out of the fandom space for a couple of months in favour of a different one. Hopefully to return at some later point when there is new writing to discover. Now usually I enjoy this process and there obviously is nothing wrong about it, but I am currently working on writing a fic in the fandom myself and I know that if I start focussing on a different fandom or pairing now then I probably will also fall out of interest with my own story for a while and it will be more difficult to pick up again later. I already found many inspiring new recommendations in your many lists so much thanks for that, I was just curious to hear how you continue to find new stuff to read and recommend, even after having read SO MUCH already :D

Hi Nonny!

Not a silly question at all!! I do get asked similar questions so having a public answer handy is great, ha ha! I'll answer each of your questions one at a time, since I think each question can be answered separately because of the nuance my brain is insistingI give to y'all.

How do you personally find new stuff to read?

This one is actually pretty easy, but it also depends upon the fandom I'm in the mood to read for. For Sherlock, literally it's BECAUSE I run a fic rec blog that encourages interactivity. You guys give me recs, and if they sound like something I want to read sooner than later, I add them to a Notes App Note and download the ePub to put on my iBooks to read later. I don't think I've browsed the AO3 ship tags for years for the Sherlock fandom. Also, I follow a lot of authors, and whenever they have a fic or suggest one, I add it to my MFL list.

If it's a new fandom though, I start with sorting by kudos or bookmarks and ship tags, and browse collections just to get an idea of what the fandoms offer. After that I sort by new uploads, but ALWAYS ship tags and filter out languages and tags that don't interest me.

So yeah, I run a fic rec blog, LOL. It helps a lot.

Do you still go into the recent uploads of your pairings and just ... browse? Or do you mostly search for specific tags and scenarios?

As I said above, only for other fandoms do I do this. For Sherlock I have fics recced to me daily so it helps. And yes, I go to my own blog's MFL lists to find or remind me of fics to read. AND I also decide "hey, I want to read a pining fic today" so I tag-search my own offline list so I can find the fics and read the descriptions without having to go to AO3 over and over. It's faster, having your own file on your computer, hahah.

Or maybe you get most of your new reads from one of your own "What to read next?" list or from other people's recommendations or just follow the uploads from authors that you already know and like?

As I said above, yeah, having an interactive blog helps IMMENSELY, and I also peruse other peoples' lists when they come across my dash. Follow on Tumblr or subscribe on AO3 to your fave authors and that's a good way to guarantee fics you will enjoy as well :)

=====

So yeah, it's just mostly stuff given to me. I can understand "fic fatigue". For me it's "fandom fatigue" really. I tend to just jump fandoms once in awhile since I found out I can read multiple fics as long as they're different fandoms and my brain won't confuse the plots. Or I get into a new fandom or thing and I MUST consume more from that universe. I used to feel guilty about it because I feel like people EXPECT me to only read Sherlock fics, but I just... need to be in the mood these days for a new fic in my well loved fandoms... I have re-read SO many Sherlock fics this year because I just love the squishy feeling I get from them.

AND I need to "have the spoons" to digest a new story, I think. AND another LARGE part why I haven't read many new Sherlock fics these days, is that because of the nature of my blog, it's actually work whenever I read a new fic since I have to "tag as I read" so that I can make the listing once I bookmark them. Reading Sherlock fics is genuinely work for me. Jumping to new fandoms removes that element for me.

So yeah, it's just me, LOL. Anyway, the TL;DR of this entire post is: I don't need to look, because people suggest new stuff to me all the time and it pleases me so. Only for other fandoms do I actually do the work to look for new fics unless I come across a fic rec list by happenstance while perusing tags on Tumblr, hee hee.

[akunari]

˜”*°• Signs I am an Angel Dust kin •°*”˜

I'm writing down the similarities with my kins. This post is about my Angel Dust identity, so I advise you to read the wiki to understand better.

It can be different for anyone. It doesn't mean you are less or more Angel Dust than I am, okay? I made this to help people who are kinsidering but also to help me. Because you'll see, I have some behaviors or thoughts that are very toxic that I want to get rid of.

I made a list to be less triggering as possible. If you know Hazbin Hotel, you can already know what kind of things you can find on my list.

Anyway, good reading~

(Sorry for the mistakes, English isn't my native language~)

basic things to start with

green eyes, name starting with 'a', european, the date of birth is the 1st of the month…

ITALIAN FOOD!!!

huge fan of pastas (lasagna, ravioli, carbonara…)

prefer fruits over candies

i like cooking

i like to suck...

POPSICLES!

gay femboy~

actually, achillean, but it's still gay

feminine curves (I'm transmasc, I'm a damn curvy man~)

long nails, ALWAYS

fishnets and high boots~

prefer shorts over skirts

feminine body language and mannerisms I just slay~

animal lover!!!

pet owner of two baby kitties~ i would give my life for them

cats, pigs, and cows as pets ♡

i hate moths, too scary

my personality is rather...particular?

arrogant when i dislike you, a tease when i like you

sassy and sarcastic

confident on the outside...

but insecure on the inside.

a sister who is like a bestie~

let's talk about traumas now!

family trauma!

overly sexualized since my childhood, yeah

but i like looking sexy tho

i hate my dad

alcoholic dad and alcoholic family

but my mom's side is neat, so it's fine

if my mom wasn't a sweetie, i would have become like my dad-

my dad makes drugs~

he learned me how to do so

but nope, i won't do that

SA traumas~

love/hate relationship with abuser

it was my step dad, he was a father to me

he is out of my life now, tho

unfortunately, when you have a feminine body, sexual harassment never stops-

PTSD, depression, anxiety because why not

convince people only want to abuse me if they come talking to me trauma related

want a solid relationship built on respect, with someone who values me and wants to be with me…

but don't believe it's possible

because i'm just an object for men, right?

also, a good culture in sex subject without really knowing why

even if i'm aroace, i enjoy the idea of bdsm for some reasons

when i dream, if i encounter an abuser, i give them my body almost immediately

i prefer choosing to give it to them rather than being forced to

toxic, but i know i would do the same irl

i don't watch porn

~~inferiority and superiority complex~~

don't like being seen as vulnerable so…

masking at all cost!!!

"i'm doing just fine, darling." nope

i can handle myself.

but can someone help me..?

self desctuctive

negative self-talk and neglective of myself mostly

i get addicted too easily

to people AND things...

subscribed to toxic people, in friendship mostly

have a few friends i would give my life for

so protective, loyal and caring for them

i prefer being hurt than seeing them hurt

fear of abandonment

often feel like i don't worth people affection

i'm too messy

but i want to be better

overall, a loser baby traumatized boy

That's all I was thinking about! I'm not very proud of being this way, but I can't deny it. I didn't want to have Angel as a kin for a lot of those reasons and also because since I kinfirmed him, flashbacks and memories (from both my current life and kin life) are more recurrent.

I will do the same with my other kins but I wanted to start with my highest kin.