#and yeah a lot of them are misogynistic assholes so i have to deal with that as well... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autisticandroids · 2 years

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@pingnova replied to this post:

One of the things I like the most about your interpretations of spn and destiel is that they're both "bad people" and that's interesting. I was explaining to a friend how I loved some comedies bc all of the characters are "bad people" so when the slapstick and pettiness happens back and forth I can just laugh at all of them. it goes further for me (all humans are flawed and probably seem irredeemable and disgusting to someone else, no matter what). but I have never…

…been into interpretation that relies on characters being "right" or essentially perfect and sinless. I find drama between sinless characters utterly boring and contrived. I like characters that are messy and human. its a good reminder for me about myself and makes entertaining stories. sometimes when i talk about a character friends mistake me for criticizing them because I talk about their flaws. nah, I think it's great they're assholes. they're fictional, the only..

...place I want to deal w assholes in my life. stories are just complex bad people getting tangled with other complex bad people. my fave spn character outside cas is Meg, to the shock of many. I have given up explaining it to most people lol. "but she's bad!" yeah ok I thought it was hot? and kind of funny. I don't feel like explaining rn. 😅

oh thank you! this is something i always put a lot of thought into. like, one of the things that frustrates me about fandoms generally is i think the rough edges tend to get sanded off characters. like, some characters are vilified, yes, but that happens as a result of other characters getting herofied. like, if characters we're meant to like and root for can't be mean and self-serving and destructive, then to create conflict, one must invent flat, cartoonish villains to pit them against.

actually, as a sidenote, i was talking to @spriteofmushrooms on the phone the other day and trying to come up with a working definition of "darkfic" and we ended up deciding that it seems to mean "fic where characters are allowed to have unacceptable desires and motivations." and that's not exactly what it is, darkfic is hard to pin down, and it has some stylistic and genre conventions that are its own. for example, the first church at the end of the world by @withbloodstainedclothingon is a fic i love, and a really vicious and uncomfortable and vicious character study on both dean and cas (but especially dean). it is also unabashedly darkfic, and the reason it expresses the things it wants to express about cas through cas running like a misogynistic cannibalism sex cult is because one of the conventions of darkfic is a kind of aggressive edginess. that isn't a criticism, it's just saying that had the fic been working in a different genre, the author might have chosen a different method. or another example, my fic i fold in half so easily and @twoheadedcas' fic samson went back to bed are both kind of similar in various ways. they're both attempts to take late seasons canon seriously, attempts to reconcile with the position cas is in re: dean and jack in the late seasons, and attempts to put cas through a meat grinder. and they're both, i would say, darkfic. i know for a fact i didn't really start out with ifihse intending to write darkfic, and while melanie (hiiiii) might correct me here, there's a good chance they didn't either while writing swbtb. these are just the places one is naturally led to when engaging with the late seasons seriously. but there's a big difference between ifihse and swbtb in terms of: i am, on the balance, a darkfic writer. a lot of my fic is out and out darkfic, and even when it's not it tends to contain darkfic stylistic habits. @twoheadedcas has written a bit of darkfic in their tenure, but on the balance, they mostly write non-darkfic. so if you compare ifihse to swbtb, despite their tonal similarities, and despite the fact that both were written (in my opinion) primarily as pure reactions to canon, ifihse has some of the hallmarks of being a darkfic (in particular the emphasis on cas' erotic pleasure and his discomfort/ambivalence about it; darkfic tends to be even smuttier than normal fanfics and that smut tends to be both kinkier and more inclined to play with the lines of emotional comfort and consent), while swbtb has some of the hallmarks of being a non-darkfic (the best example is dean and cas sharing a sweet almost kiss in the middle, which is absolutely a classic destiel fic thing). this is actually one of my favorite things about samson went back to bed: in darkfic that is written to be darkfic, no matter how seriously and genuinely it engages with canon and the characters, there will always be the feeling that there is a finger on the scale, tilting characters to be just a little nastier, grosser, more evil. but non-darkfic is usually skewed the other way: the characters are skewed to be more comfortable and palatable. by aligning itself with non-darkfic, samson went back to bed legitimizes the dark interpretation of canon it presents by saying "i am not skewing things to be worse. i might even be skewing things to be better. and yet we're still here." which i think is cool.

but that's kind of the crux of the thing, isn't it? most darkfic is just a twisted mirror of most non-darkfic. instead of flattening characters to be better than they are, making them paragons of virtue, it flattens them to be worse than they are, making them cartoon villains. obviously, this isn't true of all darkfic, i am a great enjoyer of darkfic and frequently write it myself. there's plenty of good darkfic out there. but if sturgeon's law applies double to fanfic, it applies triple to darkfic. and i think it's because there is this inability, in fandom, to imagine that these beloved characters could be bad people. which means that non-darkfic tends to portray them as flat heroic figures. but it also means that darkfic tends to start from the premise "haha what if (character) was EVIL" rather than recognizing the ways they already kind of are (and the ways in which they are good, as well). both non-darkfic and darkfic frequently hold this black and white mindset, it's just a lot clearer in darkfic because darkfic always sets out to engage with darkness, whereas a lot of non-darkfic is just about things other than whether characters are "good" or "bad," and even when it's about characters' morality, it's usually less contrary to the canon, so there isn't as much emphasis on it or time spent contemplating it. so it's less in your face.

but yeah. i put a lot of work into taking the characters of supernatural seriously as complex and morally suspect people. that's what's fun to me. i find the other way kinda boring. i'm glad you enjoy what i'm selling :3.

(for some supplemental reading check out this post by @astermacguffin)

#spn #pingnova

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arizona2004 · 2 years

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Courts of Love and Hate. Chapter 1

Nyx x OC-Juniper(Tamlin’s daughter)

Note: in this Nyx was born later than is canon(I wanted Tamlin to have a son about Nyx’s age and that doesn’t make sense as canon)

WC:3118

Request linked here chapter 2

Nyx

I swallow a heavy sigh as my uncle Cas goes on about the Spring court. We just returned from the annual high lords meeting, where everyone was supposed to discuss finally restoring the sacred mountain in the middle so that meetings can be held there, but instead, half of the meeting was spent bickering and insulting one another, and I’m not proud to say the Night court was half of the problem.

I know there is a lot of history between the Night and Spring courts and that the Highlord Tamlin is largely at fault for hurting my family, but I can’t help but wonder about the unity between our courts. If there were peace between the north and south Prythian would surely have fewer enemies trying to invade. We should appear united.

I interrupt my Uncle to say as much while we all finally collapse in the sitting room. I feel my father's gaze on me but I’m too focused on the look of pride on my mother's face to turn to him and see what he thinks of my thought.

“What are you suggesting Nyx? A peace treaty? It’s not like we’re at war with Tim Tam. We just don’t like him,” Uncle Cas says.

“I just think, maybe if we started acting more civilly, he would too, and our future generations can be at peace with one another.”

“There’s too much bad blood between us.”

“There doesn’t have to be. If we make peace now, then we can settle this. I don’t know the full history, and my children don’t need to know any of it. Nor do the Spring descendants.”

“I’d like to agree with you, Nyx,” my uncle Az speaks up, “but history is important.”

“Yeah,” Mor says, “what if centuries down the line, the Spring court attacks us, making claims about the past as reasoning because they didn’t keep to the deal, and your descendants have no understanding of the feud between the courts?”

I plop down on the couch between my parents, giving in because they’re right: my idea was stupid.

It wasn’t stupid, Nyx, my father speaks into my mind, it just wasn’t the solution.

Keep using that smart head of yours, and you'll figure it out one day. You’re the future of all of us; we believe in you, my mother chimes in before they both return to the conversation.

I, however, ignore my family and let myself get lost in thought. I double-check my mental walls, ensuring the only crack is the one I leave open for my parents to speak to me as they please but not look any further.

I ignore them in favor of thinking of her. The one secret I keep from my family: Juniper.

She was at the meeting today. It took hell to convince her father, but he relented because “we aren’t discussing anything too unladylike,” apparently. That’s what she said in her most recent letter. I know she loves her father, but I also can tell he’s a misogynistic asshole who needs to get his head out of his ass. The only reason Juniper doesn’t hate him for it, I think, is because she doesn’t care much for court politics.

She worries about things like whether or not her shoes match her dress or if she accidentally made a spelling error in one of her letters. That’s what I love about her. She’s always worried about the little things and would rather be a writer than a Highlady.

I asked her once what she would do if she wasn’t a princess, and apparently that was an easy question. She would be a writer; she’d write books and poems and articles. She’s good at it too. She asked me the same question, but I have no idea what I would want to do besides lead my people. I feel pride when I come up with a solution to help my parents fix a court issue and joy when I hold a sword in my hand or pull from the well of power in my gut. I don’t get that feeling with anything else the way Juniper gets it when writing.

She says it’s because I was born to be a leader, but I’m not so sure about that. I’m not sure about most of the things I do when leading our court. My mother says that’s okay because it’s not like I need to lead the people by myself anyways, but my father was doing it at my age. I should know how to too, right?

As the bitter feeling of anxiety settles in my gut, I shake my head and try to return to my happy distraction. Juniper. She was wearing a mint green dress with darker green accents decorating it. And dark green slippers to match. Her long blonde hair fell down her back in thick waves, framing her soft face in gold. Her green eyes found my blue ones as soon as she sat down beside her brother. She looked away quickly, but I couldn’t. I barely get to see the face behind the letters, I was entranced until my uncle spoke.

“It’s impolite to stare,” Azriel's voice was quiet over my right shoulder.

“Oh, he’s blushing!” Cassian piped up more to the left. “Think she’s pretty, do you?”

After that, I only risked an occasional glance in her direction. Our eyes didn’t lock again until the very end when we all got up to leave, and I could swear she smiled. Just a little bit, a small tip of the edge of her lips. The image is ingrained in my head. Green dress, matching shoes, blonde hair tucked behind her ear, dark eyes piercing mine, pink lips tipped up in the faintest smile.

Kissable lips. Or so I imagine. The only time I was ever close enough to Juniper to kiss her I was a fumbling fifteen-year-old, and I accidentally fell on top of her in a dark garden.

That was four years ago now, and since she responded to my letter two weeks after our clumsy meeting, I have been helplessly in love. And desperately trying to hide it, terrified of my family or hers ever finding out.

I know my parents wouldn’t care all that much, they would understand that you can’t help who you love, we don’t get to pick and choose. They wouldn’t judge her based on anyone's actions but her own. A scared little part of me, though, wants to keep her all to myself, away from the prying question and curious eyes of my aunts and uncles.

She’s my secret, and I want to keep it that way, so when my uncle Cassian says my name in the same sentence as hers I panic.

“Nyx’s cheeks are all pink, he’s probably thinking of Princess Juniper again.”

“I am not!” I immediately defend myself, trying to figure out what everyone was talking about while I was daydreaming.

“You seem awfully defensive,” he says, smirking.

I defer. “You can’t think about someone ‘again’ if you’ve never thought of them at all.

“You’ve never thought of the Spring Princess? Not once?”

I shake my head.

“Well, that’s concerning. How can you never think of anyone at all and still know who they are? Is your brain ticking properly?”

“You know what I meant, Cas! I don’t sit around thinking about her. Ever.”

“Okay, okay,” he says, putting his hands up. “There's no reason to get angry; I was just teasing.”

“I’m not angry,” I say, trying to calm down and hide the frustration building in my chest.

“Your hair’s on fire, sweetheart,” my mother chimes in.

Fuck. This happens sometimes. I’ll get mad or anxious, and what looks like black and white flames start burning to life atop my head. At first, my parents thought they were just dark and light shadows that would show up when I was emotional, but they quickly learned it was more like fire, hotter than any other fire known to fae. My father has the scars on a few of his fingers to prove it.

Neither of my parents moves away from me, but I know they must feel the heat radiation from my head at this close distance. Dad places a comforting hand in between my shoulder blades while mom holds my hand. The flames flick out of existence.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I was just frustrated.”

“It’s okay,” Cas starts to say but changes course as I stand, “don’t leave, Nyx. Everything's fine.”

I walk out of the room anyway and quietly walk up to my bedroom for the night. I hate losing control like that.

Juniper

Falling onto my mattress, I feel light. Like I’m floating on a cloud. My heart is fluttering in my chest, and I can’t help the grin that stretches my face. I wrote to Nyx just before the meeting, so I can only assume he’ll write to me next. I just can’t wait for the letter to arrive. I’ll sit in my room all day tomorrow and wait for the black crow to arrive at my window if I must. I never thought such a dark bird could bring me so much joy.

I’m still dreaming about what life with Nyx could be if our parents just got over their differences when a hand waves over my face. I sit up abruptly, not having noticed anyone enter, and incidentally get smacked in the face.

“Shit, Juniper! Are you okay?” my younger brother, “I didn’t mean to hit you, but honestly it was kinda your fault.” I glare at him. “What? You sat up into my hand.”

“Whatever,” I grumble, rubbing my face. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk to you,” my older brother-Kai- says from the end of the bed.

“About what?”

“The meeting today,” Kai says, settling at the foot of the mattress with a firm expression.

“Yeah,” Oak adds, crossing his arms and attempting to mimic the glare.

“What about it?” I ask, kicking off my shoes and avoiding their eyes. “It was rather boring and…unmannerly. The Highpeople insulted one another half the time. Especially our father.”

“You just don’t understand the history between our families. There’s so much hate and blood. The Night Court has done cruel and unthinkable things to us.”

“Well, if I don’t know the full history, then tell me, Kai, explain it so that I may understand.”

“Yeah!” Oak perks up at my side.

“No,” he says, remembering Oak is there. “Father would not want you to know, and you,” he directs his attention to Oak, “are far too young.”

“I’m twelve!” Oak grumbles. He and I are relatively close in age, only six years apart, while Kai is 14 years older than me. For fae, though, that’s still pretty close.

“This is not what we came here to discuss. We’ll table this conversation for another time,” which just means he’s never going to bring it up again, and it will not be discussed.

“I thought this was what we came to discuss. The Night court being evil and all that?” Oak asks while scooting more onto the bed, pushing me over.

“Well, sort of, yes. Juniper, we couldn’t help but notice, at the meeting, you noticing the Night Prince.”

“No, that’s not right,” Oak interrupts, “I noticed him; he’s hot. Juniper was ogling him!”

Kai starts to speak up to tell Oak not to say things like that, but I interrupt him, “I was doing no such thing!” I defend. “He was just sitting right across from me. I couldn’t help but see him every time their Highlord or Lady spoke.”

“Hmm,” is Kai’s only response while piercing me with a glare that makes me want to spill all of my secrets. I swallow the lump in my throat, though, and force my body to relax. “Whatever the case was, we came here to tell you you ought to stay away from him.”

“He’s bad news, so don’t get any romantic thoughts,” Oak adds, pointing at me sternly.

“If you are thinking about romance, I’m sure father would let a nice spring lord court you. Many of them ask about you.”

“I’m not looking to find a husband right now,” I tell Kai sternly, “Certainly not with any of the lords.”

“Why ‘certainly not with any of them’ they are good males.”

“I’m not attracted to any of them. Romantically or otherwise.”

Kai's cheeks pink slightly as he looks at me with one of his stern, protective expressions, “You ought not be attracted to anyone otherwise unless already romantically.”

Of course, he would be naive enough to think I only feel romantic attraction. “I can be attracted to whoever I please. Besides, it’s not entirely my choice, more of a bodily response.”

Kai goes even redder. I’m sure he cannot fathom why he is having this conversation with me. “Juniper, you cannot-”

“Relax Kai. I said I felt attraction, not that I act on it. Besides, I don’t want to.”

“Good. You shouldn’t,” he says sternly and thoroughly. I know part of it is to protect me. I wonder if he’s also insisting because I’m a woman, and ‘it wouldn’t be proper’. He’s hypocritical like Father in that way sometimes. I hate it.

“What are we even talking about?” Oak asks, slightly confused. “I thought there was only one form of attraction.”

“And what kind was that?” I ask curiously.

“The one that means you like someone,” he says helplessly. A smile quirks my lips, and I notice one on Kai’s too.

“There is the attraction that means you want to court someone. And then there is the attraction that means you want to-” Kai stops, searching for the right words, but Oak offers a suggestion of his own.

“Fuck them?”

I choke on air, a blush running up my neck, while Kai turns ten shades of red. “Where did you learn a phrase like that?” he asks.

“Heard some of the guards talking about it,” Oak supplies, which I’m sure upsets Kai. He’s tried to keep Oak as sheltered as possible. Kai is somewhat like our father but tries to keep as far from being like him, I’m not sure why, but he seems to want to keep Oak a happy faeling for as long as possible.

“Come on, Oak,” Kai says, pulling our little brother from the bed. “This is not a topic I planned on discussing with you yet, but if I must, then so be it, but it is not for our sister's ears.”

“Okay!” Oak jumps to attention, happy to learn what it means to ‘fuck’ and I say nothing, knowing it’s for the best to let Kai think I know nothing about sex.

That night I can’t help but lay in bed a little late, my thoughts running back to what Kai said earlier and the insults exchanged at the meeting. What happened between our courts?

Eventually, I fall asleep and wake early in the morning to a slight pecking on my stomach. I open my eyes to find a crow sitting on me. This isn’t the first time this has happened, so I don’t panic, I just untie the letter from its ankle and watch the bird fly away.

A smile quirks as I open the letter and remember what I wrote to Nyx after that happened the first time. Your bird rudely woke me this morning. He sat on me and pecked me awake before dawn.

His response made me laugh. It always does. Whenever I’m outside, and a letter arrives, your bird sits on my head and tries eating my hair.

I’m still not sure I believe him, but it makes me laugh anyway. I open his newest letter, not bothering to even roll out of bed. He goes on for pages about how lovely I looked at the meeting. I can’t help the blush or the feeling of pride that fills me. I spent days planning my look; I’m over the moon that he liked it.

He answers questions from my last letter and doesn’t mention anything about the meeting beyond how happy he was to see me again. I can’t stop thinking about the feud between our courts, though. So after I respond to everything else in his letter, and mention how dashing he looked yesterday, I bring it up. It’s just a few questions. I’m sure he understands I probably know a lot less than him about the history, and I’m curious as to what his court's side of it is.

I call over a Cardinal and tie the note to its leg before releasing it with directions to Nyx. Then I form a plan for breakfast while dressing. My lady's maid comes in mid-way through me getting ready and doesn’t even bother to scold me for getting ready without her; she gave up on that years ago. Instead, she picks up where I left off and sends me down for breakfast with my father and brothers.

I sit through the beginning of our meal quietly, as Kai and father speak about something, and work up the courage to ask my questions. When silence fills the room with the end of their conversation I know it’s probably the only chance I’ll get.

“Father, I was hoping to ask a question,” I say before I can chicken out.

“Yes?”

“How- how did the former Highlord, before you, die?” he stops and looks at me shocked and probably annoyed by my asking.

“Why would you ask a question like that?”

“I only noticed it wasn’t in the history books I have. Several of the other Highlords’ deaths are mentioned, but not his.”

“It is not in the books you learn from. He died with the rest of my family: my brothers and mother. Killed by the current Highlord of the Night Court and his father”

“How did his father die?” I ask before I can stop myself.

“I killed him,” he snaps, struggling to reign his anger in. I should stop asking questions, I know I should. And the look on Kai’s face is begging me as much.

“But why would they kill your family?”

He freezes at that question, staring at the food on his plate for a few moments before looking up and piercing me with a cold stare, “Because they wanted to, Juniper. And the Night court thinks they’re entitled to everything they want. Stray away from thinking about them!” he growls, making me tense in my chair. “You’re dismissed. Go to your room.” I don’t hesitate to stand and practically run from the dining hall.

#a court of thorns and roses #acotar #Feysand #a court of dreams #NYX #adult nyx #nyx x reader #nyx acotar #nyx archeron #Courts of Love and Hate #series #multichapter

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wilhelt · 1 year

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Lamenting how homogenous the average group at a commander night is. Tends to be a lot of very sexist/homophobic white guys in their 20s-50s and it makes for a really uncomfortable atmosphere for people like myself who are neurodivergent and queer. Luckily, at the one local shop, I have friends who accept me for me and are very nice, but I also have to contend with guys who say shit like "stop begging you look homeless no one wants to trade with you, just admit you're too poor to buy cards" in regards to one of my friends bringing his trade binder and asking if I had mine along. Last time I checked bud, the acronym "tcg" stood for trading card game, but what do I know. 🙄

I guess I just wish there was a local place where a larger and more diverse group of people could play together irl without dealing with assholes that storm out after screaming at a teenager that beat their $2000 deck with a precon. And I definitely think a lot of that falls back on the shop owners for not making bad apples leave and giving them consequences, but I think there's also a bad stigma around the game which acts as a disincentive for more groups to join in. When there's a common assumption that mostly only nerds and neckbeards play the game, whether it is a fair assumption or not, it tends to be dismissed as worth playing for anyone falling on the outside of that group.

I know it can also be a financial barrier, so I'd also like if more people embraced just helping others build decks instead of having mentalities along the lines of "Well yeah I have 4 of those, and they're worth $25 if you buy them from TCG Player, so I'll give you a discount at just $24.50 a card if you need one." Obviously it's okay to want to make your money back, but I think there comes a point of pure greed where there's no point in hoarding cards you probably have no intentions on selling at a local shop or online in favor of trying to capitalize on scamming other people. And it sucks when people gatekeep the game with this financial obstacle. I wouldn't have gotten into it originally had my dad not been kind enough to take the time to show me the mechanics, let me test his decks, and then sit down and build one together with me. And it's a pricey one, I know, but it's cool because he got me some staples I can use across multiple decks by just proxying cards if need be. His main play group have even given me cards (like Scarab God or Farewell or Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite) for free just to help my decks be on par with theirs! Which is awesome! His main MTG buddy even built me a deck for my birthday last year with a dinosaur tribal theme, and it's AWESOME! In turn, I got him the Warhammer Necron deck later in the year when he couldn't find it at any of the card shops he frequented. This is the sort of community we need, I feel.

Back to proxies for a second; don't even get me started on proxies in the game. You have 2 main groups of bad actors with them. Group A is the group that feels even if it's just a casual match, you can't have any proxies and you're a piece of shit for doing so and therefore not worthy of playing with them. And Group B LOVES proxying all their cards with really weird furry and/or anime porn which like. Okay that's your choice, but it definitely doesn't belong in a public all-ages commander night when it just makes the already tense atmosphere more uncomfortable. I'm bisexual, I use custom tokens with some really hot women on them because yeah I love how they look, but they're horny at best and nowhere near pornographic or misogynistic, and if someone asked I not use them, I'd oblige. (And because I'm fair I also use tokens with hot men 😌)

Sorry for all of this ranting. I love MTG, but it's definitely a game with a specific audience and I wish there was more of an effort from Wizards to appeal to more people rather than shove new sets at us every 60 seconds. (Yes I know there are queer characters in canon, but MTG is a game where you don't even need to know canonical events to play it, so that feels more like an effort to placate than an effort to incorporate more diverse identities into the game. And no racial stereotypes don't count as being culturally diverse, but that is a whole other can of worms.)

If you read all this thank you! Be nice in the comments section or be blocked. Reblogs are okay :3

#mtg #magic the gathering #magic the gathering commander

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john-starrston · 10 months

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Vent: the sequel (maybe 18+? Dunno)

So in my last vent post (below), you guys gave me good advice, and I ask for some again.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with my boyfriend?

So, we got together in January of this year (2023), and our relationship was / is pretty good. Well, shortly after we got together, he came down with the virus (yk which one) and it took a lot out of him. Like, a lot. He'd sleep frequently because he was so drained from it. He eventually recovered and fought it off, hasn't had it since.

Flash forward to now, almost a year later. Yesterday I'd texted him a couple times and he didn't respond. This I'm used to, because he usually doesn't get up until early afternoon. Well it soon was 7 o clock in the evening, and he hadn't said anything. So like any girlfriend does, I panic and texted his mom to make sure he was ok.

She said he'd been asleep since she'd gotten home and such, and that he'd taken sleeping pills to sleep. He finally texted me for the first time yesterday at 7:30 - ish. The thing is, I get that sleep is extremely important. But when he's been asleep for the majority of the day, it frustrates me.

Now I know people have other priorities in life, and I'm ok if I'm not always his number one. But, today, when I was scrolling good ol' Pinterest, I came across a screenshot of a post on here talking about normal relationships, and what they basically aren't.

One of the points they made was that it's not really normal for your partner to state that ur hobbies / interests are a waste of time or basically inferior. Everyone on here knows that I love, love, love bands. Most of those bands being Weezer, Green Day, Nirvana, and... Foo Fighters. I'm autistic, so naturally, I will talk about my hyperfixations and special interests a lot, which in this case is mostly foo fighters.

I really love music in general too, and that includes playing bass. Well, the one time over dinner a couple weeks ago, he confessed that at one point he didn't even want to remotely listen to the foos / Nirvana because I talked about them too often. And that kinda hurt, honestly. Another time, he was basically like "Would you stop talking about them??"

He doesn't seem to really acknowledge the fact that, yes, I love these things, and no, I don't know how to socialize about anything else. Ironically, I said at the exact same dinner that it's often hard for me to socialize / make connections because there was a point in my life --- when I was 14 years old --- where I was basically a fucking hermit. Didn't want to leave the house to eat, shop, or anything. I recall that as the darkest period of my 20 years on this earth, and I'm still recovering from it today, years later.

And he just laughed and said something along the lines of "Yeah no wonder you talk about the same stuff over and over again." And that hurt, too. He's also autistic and doesn't really have a filter, either, so he just straight up says things with little to no regard of the effect it may have on people.

He sends me stuff from Twitter that is sometimes funny and oftentimes...not so much. Like homophobic / misogynistic jokes or things of that like. I've told him in the past that I don't find those funny, and they honestly make me uncomfortable, and he just brushed it off.

Back to the sleeping issue, his mom and I are of course very concerned for him. But he just brushes it off like it's no big deal. But it is. To me, at least. Because sometimes, when he sleeps that long or has no real emotional response to things, I feel like I'm literally dating a rock. And there's also times where I feel it's just my body he likes.

He's said in the past when we had that rough patch in our relationship that he likes me as a person and not just for my body, but with each passing day, that's just not true to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dude with a big heart, but I honestly don't think we're cut out for each other romantically.

Granted, I was the one who started the whole flirting shit (around this time last year), and I was the one who asked if we're dating or not. I love him, and I really don't want to give him up, but a large chunk of me is telling me to. I know some autistics struggle to display certain emotions over others, including he himself, but it's getting hard for me.

Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with him?

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emptymanuscript · 1 year

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You know, I've got no idea how well Focalin is working as ADHD help but it sure is working as an antidepressant. XD

Though, it does also remind me that my Psychiatrist did at one point posit that I might have an unusual variant of of bipolar where I get angry instead of happy when I'm not in depression. I would definitely like to go punch and chew out the guy who annoyed me in the grocery store this morning. I feel a little honest regret for not yelling at him. Prick.

On, the upside, I also recognize that putting him in order is not and SHOULD not be my responsibility. Which is unusual for me. I recognize, unusually, that it would be just as misogynistic for me to ride to the rescue with violence as it was for him to chew out the checkout girl.

Like, seriously, she is not paid enough to deal with your shit, dude. There is no inconvenience she could have caused you to make you make that kind of stink. Complain to her manager like a normal rich bitch karen.

AND me making a bigger stink would not have helped. The people whose job it actually was were converging. I did the right thing by getting out of their way. Unlike the other moron just standing and staring at the chew out.

But the fire came easy today. Better, it is retreating easier than usual, too.

And yeah, what's changed is learning I'm diabetic and going on Focalin. Somehow I don't think the world looking less ugly - he was ugly, instead of that's the way the world is - is coming from the diabetes diagnosis. So, I think I'll have to report that the Focalin is definitely lifting my mood when I check in tomorrow.

...I could have sideswiped him with my cart just a little and said sorry. I can deadpan sorry just fine. I was a theater kid. XD. Sorry, your wife called and said you were an asshole. XD.

I feel bad for the checkout girl, though. What a shit way for the day to go. I'd bet $5 that she didn't even do anything wrong and he was just taking his shit out on her.

Somewhere there is a book, and I can't remember what it was (it MAY have been Demon). But it had this passage from the point of view of the Devil talking to someone else and defining what evil was. How he was the source of all evil but also secretly hoped every single time that he would get stopped, that humanity would be better than him. Because he was the original source, not the actual actor. He hurt somebody. And that somebody passed it on. And those people that somebody hurt passed it on. And it just kept passing on and multiplying. And all it took was somebody deciding NOT to pass it on. NOT to be a dick to the next person in line when the opportunity presented itself. And the Devil loved when it happened but generally had just stopped expecting it. Because most people did pass it on, did take out their pain on others in an attempt to make them feel a lot worse so they could feel just a little bit better.

I don't agree that that is what evil is - my actual definition comes from GI Joe, I think. Yeah, it's a cartoon in the cartoon at 6:23 - 6:44 in "The Wrong Stuff" S1, E49 of GI Joe. XD. Let it never be said that I am too sophisticated.

youtube

But I do think that story told by the Devil is how it passes. One hurt into many. The decision that someone else's pain is less valuable than your own.

Which is a lot of philosophical bullshit for someone that has to read 112 more pages today before I can start actually doing anything.

#just my life #watch me not work #focalin #depression #anger #whatevs #gi joe #demon #evil #Youtube

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ur-fav-alien · 2 years

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More s4 Billy thoughts.

I'd like to think that Billy would be forced to stick with the kids when the older kids have to go into the upside down, but he not happy about it lol. Like during that whole scene where they're all getting into the boat and Billy starts getting into the boat, but Eddie stops and says:

"Yeah no- this boat can barely fit like 4 people, okay? I doubt it's going to fit 5." And Billy look it's not like Billy wants to go into the upside down, like that's probably the worst place for him to go after the Mind Flayer situation and the fact that he's cursed by this Vecna asshole, but he does not want to be with these stupid kids. He wants to be with his boyfriend.

So he starts saying that Nancy should stay with the kids because "Isn't it like in your nature to be good with kids?" and Billy might be a little misogynistic because he has mommy issues and still an asshole to people who he doesn't really know. That little questions gets Nancy all riled up and she says "No, actually I'm not. Steve has the best expierence with them, Steve should stay with them if you really want to go."

"Steve needs to stay with me."

"Well we can't have both of you gone."

"I doubt you give a shit if I left, you just want Steve."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're still in love with Steve."

And everyone kinda has an 'oh shit' moment, like even the kids are shocked that Billy just said that. Nancy has this offended look on her face, Robin and Eddie look like Billy just killed someone, and Steve looks like he wants to kill himself. Steve apologizes to Nancy really quickly and excuses himself to talk to Billy alone where he drags Billy by his shoulders back into the woods.

Steve's shocked about all of this with his "Are you kidding me? Why the fuck would you say something like that? Nancy doesn't even like me anymore, she's dating a whole different dude! And just 'cause he's in California doesn't make they're over with. And even then, why would she go for me again?" And Billy retorts with, "Are you fucking with me right now? She's been on you this entire fucking time! When she waved at you at that crime scene, when she helped picked spider webs out of your hair and said 'you're all pretty again now', and how she wanted you to join her and robin on their little fake identity adventure at the pysch ward. She. Wants. You."

"If she does want me, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm going to go back to her."

Billy kinds shuts up at this, his lip twitches and he starts looking everywhere, but Steve's eyes. Steve finally gets like, like a lighter being flickered on, the flame has finally lit up in his brain.

"Billy do you... do you think I might go back to her."

Billy shrugs, not having the balls to answer the quesitons truthfully. "I don't know... I mean... I've kinda been a lot for you to handle-"

"What!? Are you kidding me? I've dealt with 4 sassy ass children this past year- 6 of them just last year and you think you're difficult to handle?"

"Don't lie-"

"I'm not! Yeah, sure, you're panicked nightmares keep me up but I like comforting you. I like the fact that I can comfort you. You have no idea how much I love you, no idea." Steve's holding onto Billy's shoulders really tightly because Billy likes it when Steve holds him in place, gives him a sense of grounding. "And if I'm honest... I don't like the idea of you going down there at all. With everything that's going on I'd feel much better if you were up here."

Billy dwels on this for a moment before finally letting out a annoyed sigh. "Fine... whatever." Steve's eyes shine brightly. "I'll stay, but I swear to god Harrington there better be a 6 foot pole between you and Wheeler or I will strangle you with these headphones."

Steve thanked him for being understanding and they shared a super sweet kiss super romantic blah blah blah. They come back to the group and Billy (slightly) apologzies to Nancy. Being forced to by a nudge with Steve's elbow and a glare from Max.

The older kids finally got on the boat and Billy threatening told Steve to stay safe or he'll "revive you only to kill you again you fucker!" Steve blew him a secret kiss.

And yes, Billy did stare at Steve's chest hair with Max. The two started fighting over the binoculars. They'll disagree a lot, but they'll agree on one thing, Steve Harrington can get it.

Billy doesn't get caught by the police because are you serious? That dude has ran from the police on several different occasions and won every single time. He finds out that the older kids have dissapeared, freaks out for a second before realizing that he needs to get the kids back. He goes back to that reefer rick guys house but the cops are looking through the car they used so he can't use that but he does find a motorcycle in reefer ricks garage and goes fucking crazy with it. (I just like biker Billy and I think that would be really hot cool of him) This leads to Billy going to the Wheeler's house, seeing Dustin through Nancy's window and becomes s1 Steve Harrington. The kids update him on everything and he shares a quick hello to Steve who gives him a "hi :)" back with an "I'm okay" to soothe Billy's nerves because Steve knows his boyfriend. And everything is mostly the same but that scene where the kids are all riding their bikes away from the Wheeler house, but with Billy in the front of their group on the motorcycle and it looks like some wack ass bike gang. I love that I'm sorry.

#max everything is going to be okay #billy hargrove #the party #steve harrington #harringrove #Oh and cuz I like Ronance #Steve would be the first one out of the portal cuz Billy cussed at him to #leaving Robin to comfort Nancy when Vecna tries to get her.#when Billy dies due to his injures in s4 Max just goes on this rant of apologizing to him for not noticing Neil's abuse sooner #El isn't that close to Billy but is obviously aware of how insanely distressed Max is and revivies him #that how we get hospital billy #And in the creel house Max is just repeating to Billy how she can't lose him again #Billy's just telling her that he loves her and everything is going to be okay #his last words are because he doesn't want his sister to worry about him #GOD WHY DO I MAKE MYSELF CRY

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dashflashy-arts · 2 years

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Those days I have been thinking, do you think that Sheldon Lee from MLaaTR is misogynistic, sexist or chauvinistic? No hate towards him, he is one of my favorite characters but I was just wondering if he is.

hoooo boy...

I ended up ranting so uh. I'm putting them under the cut. Keep in mind that it isn't targetted on you! I appreciate that you recognize his flaws and all, I just become rly expressive at these things ; w ;

Honestly? I think he's neither of those. Instead, he's just a teenager with a big fat crush and has the tendency to deal with it in a very stalker-ish, unhealthy, and problematic way.

It's understandable to mistake him as misogynistic, sexist, or chauvinistic when looking into some of his actions because those were really extreme and all kinds of wrong. (example: stealing Jenny's blueprints to find out how to "get to her heart") BUT if you actually paid attention to his character and behavior in the show, you'd notice that he's not misogynistic, nor is he sexist or chauvinistic. He didn't steal those prints because he thinks Jenny is inferior to him. Neither did he do it to "put her in her place". He just wanted to figure out how "get to her heart" (<- his exact words)

Because that's the thing: He's in love with Jenny just the way she is.

He puts her on a pedestal and knows just how great she is. He's just hoping really desperately that she'd feel the same, to the point he did those problematic things I wish the writers should've not written in.

With that being said, is he a creep? yes. Is he a stalker? yeah. Is he a misogynist? no. Is he a sexist or a chauvinist? if he was, he would've been an asshole and demanding to girls now, wouldn't he? But NAH!! Sheldon didn't show any distaste or hatred towards girls or women. We literally see a GIRL amongst the bullies tormenting him in his first appearance.

As I quote from his words upon reacting to Jenny: "you're like captain crush, but only better"

this isn't a "oh you're a girl, a perfect wife for me" it is "you're awesome like captain crush. But you're also a girl! that's so cool it's making me have feelings for you"

He's a nerd that can recognize a girl's worth

"Oh yeah? if he does, then what's with that episode of paying one of the bully girls to date him to make Jenny jealous?"

Like what you said: he paid her to do his crappy bidding. There was something in it for her. Had she said no, I'm pretty sure he'd leave her alone and find some other girl who's willing. Please remember that this entire thing is an act done out of desperation (which had always been his motive to do his problematic actions to win Jenny). Had Sheldon been a misogynist/sexist/chauvinist, he would have done this in the earlier episodes AND had asserted what he wanted to do with the girl (whether she wanted to or not). He also wouldn't have done this to get Jenny's attention if this were the case.

"How about that time he fantasized about Q.T.2- "

Jenny had a nightmare of the same thing where she's an exhausted housewife too. That's not exclusively a Sheldon thing. And come on: Let's be real.

There are so many "A young couple in love turned into an unwanted marriage where the girl becomes the begrudging pregnant housewife while the guy becomes the neglectful wife-hating husband that does nothing but read the newspaper" jokes done in the 2000's, MLAATR isn't excluded to this. I don't know why the MLAATR crew keeps putting them in the show. Maybe it's to be satire, or it's to mock the false perception of romance, or perhaps because they think it's funny (it rly isn't ://). It doesn't change the fact it's a joke made in bad taste.

There's a lot more he's done or had experienced which are dumb or unpleasant, but I won't get into them. Because I don't think Sheldon's behavior and character in the show is the main factor in mistaking his personality.

if anything, I think the real reason as to why it's easy to mistake him as misogynistic/sexist/chauvinistic is because of how the majority of the community and (ESPECIALLY) the show treats him. Never mind that he made Jenny uncomfortable by stalking her. Nevermind that he did really cruddy things that could be reported to the authorities, he's our lovable nerd 🥰

It's an issue I think is still present with fictional characters today (take note: Marinette Dupain-Cheng). Wherein a very dangerous trait is often ignored because of the dorky charisma the character has. It's funny in shows or fiction, but it's not pleasant in real life. Would you want to be stalked by a "lovable" teenager who has a tendency to take your things for their own benefit? don't think so..

I can somewhat forgive the show though. Because even if they treat Sheldon this way, at least it also punishes him harshly for his awful actions. Regardless if Sheldon DID realize his mistake, apologize for it or not.

While it's important to take note of a character's awful behavior or portrayal of their behavior, I think it's also important to realize just what the character in their entirety. Yeah, Sheldon did those bad things, but that's not the only thing he did. There are moments when he truly felt guilty in his bad decisions and admitted to it, and there are even moments when he didn't react like a creep to Jenny. A notable episode of this is the fashion episode, wherein the whole time he had been what I think is what he truly is: a sweet, dorky nerd with a big fat crush.

....Ok so um... what to take out of this?

I'll repeat this: Sheldon's neither a misogynist, sexist, or chauvinistic

He's in love but got some unhealthy tendencies when dealing with it, most likely because he's socially inept or because he never got attention before and is afraid of losing it.

He doesn't immediately recognize his actions are unacceptable until it gets too far.

He's not a truly bad character though. He's proven in other episodes that he genuinely likes Jenny and has the potential to grow out of his creepiness

People are allowed to hate on a character, but they need to recognize when a character is really a misogynist/sexist/chauvinist or just a teenager that makes really, really, really s/tty decisions (because the writer/s makes them do it)

I rest my case

#ask #asks #oof Dash done it again!#I'm gonna finish my other ramble too just you wait #mlaatr #sheldon cooper lee #sheldon lee #my life as a teenage robot #mlaatr sheldon #anonymous #anon

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tea-and-la · 3 years

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“Katara is Hot-Headed”

.... okay, so i’ve seen this ICE cold take enough time to warrant a formal post. i’ve seen and strongly agree with the posts i’ve seen that refute this, like @shewhotellsstories post here. but unfortunately, this sentiment is still something that’s widely accepted in the atla fandom. it’s no surprise that “katara is hotheaded” is the common argument for “why zutara doesn't work.” and while it’s more than irritating that zutara antis love to align them in ways that are only negative in nature, i’m not going to get into that. i’m going to focus on katara.

one of the key defining aspects of katara’s personality is her patience. she is unwavering in her faith of aang (through their numerous supportive talks), as well as her encouragement of her friends when they need it (ex. toph in the runaway and sokka in sokka’s master.) but most notably? let’s talk about the desert episode because this is where katara’s patience really shines.

there are a lot of things going on in that episode. aang is dealing with grief from the loss of appa and lashes out at both toph and katara while also intermittently flying away from the group. what would a “hot headed” or quick-tempered person do in this situation? let’s look at some of the dialogue:

aang: [Enraged.] How could you let them take Appa?! ‌ Why didn't you stop them‌?!

toph: [Defensively.] I couldn't! The library was sinking! You guys were still inside and-

aang: [Snaps at Toph in a harsh way.] You just didn't care! You never liked Appa! You wanted him gone!

aang looks extremely furious at Toph as Katara walks over to him. She puts her hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down.

katara: We're all concerned, but we can't afford to be fighting now.

in that dialogue, katara inserts herself in to mediate. she recognizes that he’s in a dark place, and she sees past the harshness of his words to see that they come from a place of hurt, not malice. she reacts with empathy and understanding.

a quick-tempered person would not have responded in this way.

the majority of this episode, katara is essentially the leader of the group. it’s swelteringly hot, which is enough for any hot headed person to get irritated, but she doesn’t.

toph: Katara, can I have some more water?

katara: Okay, but we've got to try to conserve it.

sokka: [As he points to his mouth.] We're drinking your bending water. [He tries to define the taste of the water, smacking his lips. Disgustedly he exclaims.] You used this on the swamp guy! Urch!

toph: It does taste swampy.

katara: [Sad tone.] I'm sorry, it's all we have.

in this scene, even momo complains about the taste of the water, the only water they have. and katara’s response was to apologize for something she can’t control.

after this point, she has to lead toph through the sand, while sokka is high on cactus juice and aang is upset. instead of getting frustrated, she tries to inspire hope into them all:

aang: [Hopelessly.] What's the difference? We won't survive without Appa. We all know it.

katara: [Encouraging.] Come on, Aang. We can do this if we work together. Right Toph?

toph: As far as I can feel, we're trapped in a giant bowl of sand pudding. I got nothin'.

katara: [Hopeful.] Sokka? Any ideas how to find Ba Sing Se?

Sokka and Momo lie side by side on their backs, arms and legs stretched out. Sokka smiles blissfully.

she does get annoyed, but she doesn’t direct that frustration at any of them, unlike a quick tempered person would do.

katara: [Grabs her head in annoyance.] Ugh ... We're getting out of this desert, and we're going to do it together! Aang, get up. Everybody, hold hands. We can do this. We have to.

the point of these excerpts isn’t to say that anyone else in the gaang is horrible. i just wanted to point out the moments when she could’ve gotten frustrated and lashed out, but didn’t. not once.

patience and quick temperedness are antonyms of each other. and imo, the fact that so much of katara’s character is defined by her patience (even outside of this specific episode) and nurturing (for over 80% of the show) is enough to refute her “hotheadedness.” especially, when the other members of the gaang are allowed to be upset and/or angry on occasion and their dispositions/temperaments are not immediately associated with hotheadedness. maybe unpack why that is.

let’s take the instance when she and toph argue in the chase. first of all, this episode is characterized by all of the members of the gaang being sleep deprived (i.e. not in their normal states), so their attitudes should be taken with a grain of salt. (what humans do you know that are happy-go-lucky when they haven’t slept enough?)

anyway, the episode starts with katara attempting to lightly hint to toph about group dynamics.

katara: So Toph, usually when setting up camp, we try to divide up the work.

toph: [Shrugging casually.] Hey, don't worry about me. I'm good to go.

katara: Well, actually what I'm trying to say is, [Holds arms out in gesture.] some of us might fetch water, while someone else might set up the fire pit, or put up the tent. [Momo flies over to her, dropping several berries he had collected into her hands.] Even Momo does his fair share.

toph: [Breezily.] Katara, I'm fine. I can carry my own weight. I don't need a fire, [Pats bag.] I've already collected my own food and look, [Earthbends a rock tent over her.] my tent's all set up.

katara: [Slightly irritated.] Well, that's great for you, but we still need to finish

toph: [Angered.] I don't understand what's the problem here!

katara: Waves her hand dismissively and walks away.] Never mind.

from the above excerpt, she drops the issue and doesn’t lash out. later, she even goes back and tries to make amends with toph. she even tries smiling before she heads over there.

Cuts to Katara, who sets down a jug of water. She looks over at Toph, sitting comfortably beneath her earth tent. Her dull expression changes to one of slight happiness. She approaches Toph who is eating some sort of food item.

katara: [Rubs back of head sheepishly.] Hey Toph, I wanted to apologize for earlier. I think we're all just a little tired and getting on each other's nerves.

toph: [Casually.] Yeah, you do seem pretty tired.

katara: [Growing disgusted.] I meant all of us.

Cuts to shot of inside Toph's earth tent as she lazily tosses the food item onto the ground and lays her head down to rest.

toph: Well, good night.

katara: [Slightly irked.] Good night.

none of her mannerisms and word choices are characteristic of someone with a temper. despite toph’s slight unintentional antagonistic remarks, katara doesn’t react.

later, after they managed to evade the azula’s tank train for the night, they land appa. and katara tries, again:

toph: [Leaping off Appa and lying on the ground, relieved.] Ah, land sweet land! [Rises and says cheerfully.] See you guys in the morning!

katara: Actually, can you help us unload?

toph: [Points a finger at Katara in irritation.] Look! I didn't ask you to help unload my stuff! [Turns and begins walking away.] I'm carrying my own weight.

katara: [Angrily.] That's not the point. [Approaches Toph.] Ever since you joined us, you've been nothing but selfish and unhelpful!

toph: [Enraged.] What? Look here, sugar queen, [Points finger at Katara.] I gave up everything I had so that I could teach Aang earthbending. So don't you talk to me about being selfish!

the only times when katara reacts in anger that could be perceived as impulsive, is when she is insulted by Pakku and when Sokka suggests that she leave the Fire Nation town without helping. Both of these are hardly instances of hotheadedness, and moreso a reflection of who she is as a character: someone who doesn’t turn her back on people who needs her and someone who fights injustice.

why would we call katara hotheaded for not settling for being antagonized by a misogynistic asshole? she was a trailblazer in that scene and it meant so much to the little girls of the Northern Water Tribe. similarly, why would we call her hotheaded for not being able to turn away from people who are in need? after all, that’s a core part of her character’s trauma: feeling of survivor’s guilt that there was something she could’ve done to save her mom. it’s part of why she has to act to help others. her passion isn’t synonymous with hotheadedness.

#pro katara #atla #i'm tired of seeing this take #like i truly don't care of you hate zutara or not #but please stop saying that katara is hotheaded #it isn't really consistent with the show #the only times i can think of are when she attacks jet when he comes back #and when she does the same to zuko when he tries to join the group #i mean they both betrayed her so she was right to feel angry #none of her anger was irrational #and implying it as such kinda has uncomfy vibes

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cinnamonest · 3 years

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ok here me out,,, i have a few danganronpa headcanons Id like to share.

Nagito can go both ways of how they view their darling, if the darling has an Ultimate then he worships her, sees her as above, basically just being one of those yanderes where they try their best to be nice to them.

If his darling doesn't have an Ultimate talent then he just goes >:( like yeah he still loves you and all but 80% of the time most of his compliments are gonna be backhanded and most def sees himself as above you

My other headcanon is that Byakuya would most def be misogynistic and have some type of misogyny kink. Even if you did come from a wealthy family he'd still have some sort of superiority complex. He probably has some sort of corruption kink too in my opinion.

That's all I have to say *drops mic*

*nod nod* yes yes very good!! Byakuya is a dick honestly. I feel like his treatment of a darling would more or less be equivalent to how he treated Toko, kinda vaguely acts disgusted but does have moments where it's evident he cares.

He would be really irritated at himself for having, you know, emotional developments towards a person, ever. Consequently, he's just kind of a dick to darling. That kind of snobbishness where he's just constantly acting like you're a nuisance, signing and acting disgusted by you, but the moment you turn to go away he just internally is like "wait where are you going why are you leaving?? All I did was bully you what's your problem"

Eventually, it ends up being a perilous situation or something that draws out the reality that he DOES care, although he brushes it off as no big deal. Also, so much money is involved. Initially he presents it, again, as a burden -- no way are you going to be associated with HIM wearing those clothes, using that phone, driving that car. In reality, he does like seeing how flustered you get, and he gets a swell of pride from feeling like you're dependent on him. He likes it when you're flustered and awed by his wealth, when you're impressed, and so forth. Think Xingqiu but like, a meaner version lol

And yesssss he definitely does have the whole provider dad + mommy trophy wife model to follow, you know his mom is probably a really good lil wife that does whatever she's told and doesn't ever talk back or defy... And he would expect the same. Definitely gets irritated by a gf that has the audacity to demand anything.

Nagito is... An interesting case. He's one of my favorite characters, there's multiple ways to kinda interpret his personality... Obviously me being the person I am when I played the game I kinda took a much worse interpretation than I think most people did lol, it always struck me as the whole extreme degradation/humility thing being... Kind of fake/almost mocking sometimes. More of a self-delusion or even in and of itself a form of thinly veiled narcissism, if that makes sense? Like, a lot of people act very humble because it constructs their self-serving self-perception of them being a good person or trying to appear humble to counteract their internal superiority complex, which was kinda the vibes I got from the boy, especially since he has those moments where he kinda snaps out of that personality and suddenly becomes super demanding/arrogant. Idk throughout the game I thought he was an asshole lmao. But I like that, of course.

If darling doesn't have a talent he would literally be unbearably obnoxious. The thing about him is that he's surprisingly transparent and just says what he thinks out loud so prepare to be offended pretty frequently. He doesn't pull his punches either. If darling does have a talent, though, I actually feel like whole he would be the worshipping type, he'd try to find little ways to kind of one-up darling, if for no other reason than to make himself feel better, all while spewing his self-depricating bullshit.

Also Nagito is a massive stalker type. Like, disgustingly so. Wall covered in polaroids taken from hiding spots, steals clothes, comes into your room to lay on your bed when you're not there, comes into your room while you sleep to jerk off next to you. Steals things water bottles you throw away and refills them to drink from, because it had your mouth on it. Jerks off while on the phone with you. I get the vibe that he's got a very wide range of sexual preferences, the type of person that can get off to like nearly anything as long as it involves you... But including that very unexpected and quiet sort of sadism going on, like the type that just kinda... Silently enjoys seeing you hurt even in non sexual contexts. And he feels bad about it. But still jerks off to it. He's gross.

#and we love a gross boi tho #.dangan #lena's asks #tw: misogyny

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nicanario · 3 years

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this post is a product of its time

tw: discussion of racism, homophobia, misogyny and a short mention of sexual abuse.

ok, this is basically gonna be a very long rambling post about my not fully developed thoughts on the justification many people give to bigotry when talking about the past: "it was a product of its time"

it would be fair to say, with me being a raging SJW socialist scumbag, that I don't think this is a very good argument and is most of the time actually an excuse to not think about the problems inherent to our society, historical or not, and, by extension, the problems with ourselves. but I do think that sometimes, just sometimes, this can be a valid point, or at least one that raises some interesting questions.

I'm going to cite examples from several pieces of media, but fear not, I'll try to make this as accesible as I can.

so, let's take Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS) as our first case study. this show has, correctly, been called progressive by everyone except for clueless people who don't know much about Star Trek's history, Star Trek's crew, Star Trek's cast, or, frankly, Star Trek. because if you ignore the clear, sometimes in-your-face political history and present of the franchise, I don't think you know much about it at all. I do think you can call yourself a fan if you like it, you may have watched every single episode for all I know. but lots of mental gymnastics are needed to ignore the political progressiveness Star Trek has had since its very beginning.

episodes like Let That Be Your Last Battlefield are obviously anti-racist, at least in their intention. but the episode in question really is "a product of its time," and at the very end fails to uphold its ideals. the episode ends with the two aliens (who are LITERALLY. BLACK ON ONE SIDE. AND WHITE ON THE OTHER. BUT IN THE OPPOSITE SIDES.) fighting each other on their devastated planet, and the crew is like, "oh yeah if they both would give up on their hatred that they both share both of them equally" when it has been firmly established that one is the oppressor and the other one is the oppressed.

and that's a lot of Star Trek, not just TOS. even Discovery, one of the most recent series, has done Bury Your Gays (and Trans) TWICE (though both times literally rectified it, which is cool). there are episodes of the franchise that are overtly racist, or misogynistic, etc. TOS is lauded, mostly justifiably, as very progressive, especially for the standards of the time. they put a woman of colour as one of the senior staff, for fuck's sake. of course, when you analyse that same character, as with most of their intentions at being progressive, you'll see that she was relegated and sometimes even outright mistreated when she had the potential to be much more. but, at that time, it was a lot.

I had a friend (emphasis on "had") who, after I told him about TOS's both progressiveness and constant misogyny, told me something like "imagine feminists trying to complain about a show from the 60s." so, with unearned spite, he was, in some way, trying to make the argument that it was a product of its time.

you could say Star Trek, all of Star Trek, is "a product of its time" in the sense that it's not always perfect. uh, yes, I would agree. but that doesn't mean people have to accept it. well, I mean, the show is kinda over, you have to accept it's that way. but you don't have to accept that it's not wrong just because it was a product of its time.

H. P. Lovecraft, as another example, was a greatly influential writer whose works still shape a lot of people's ideas to this day. I have only ever read like one of his stories, so don't expect me to have an opinion on his works. but I can have an opinion on what I know about him as a person (he did have a life outside his writing, after all). and, yeah, he was a huge asshole. if you want to know more in depth about the subject, please watch Hbomberguy's video on him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8u8wZ0WvxI

but basically, he was incredibly racist & homophobic. some people might even say, "he was a product of his time." well, there are two possible rebuttals to that. the surface level one, and the one that examines why that argument is wrong to the core.

The Surface Level Response to "it was a product of its time": um, no it wasn't. Lovecraft was more racist than a lot of people even in his time. he wasn't just a guy who carried the racist beliefs of his society like everyone else, he was a reactionary who actively thought and discussed how racist he was, and how right he was for being that way. but that's only applicable to Lovecraft. one can't argue the same for Star Trek: TOS, because TOS did try to be more progressive and more anti-racist than the rest of its society. that leads us to the next response.

The Response that Actually Deals with the Fact that No Matter How Progressive You're Trying to Be, Your Failings Can Still be Criticized: the thing is, trying to excuse Lovecraft's or Star Trek's bigotry because they were "products of their times" misses the fact that racism is still wrong, and some people knew that in those times as well. people from these times weren't all naive or stupid or whatever. they had the capacity for rational thinking. they could stop and think, "hey, maybe what we're doing is wrong." and the fact is, some people did. not perfectly, not to our standars, but they did. everyone could have stopped and think. but most of them didn't, and we can criticize them for it. racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. HURT PEOPLE. horribly. massively.

also, even if you agree with the "it's a product of its time" argument, some people aren't criticising people's or work's bigotry: they're explaining why they don't want to experience it.

The Talons of Weng-Chiang is a 1977 Doctor Who serial, and it's one of the show's more racist stories. almost all the villains are Chinese, every single Chinese person is a villain. there's yellowface, slurs, stereotypes, the Doctor speaking nonsense words instead of actual Chinese, and a general belittling of Chinese culture.

note that I'm neither Chinese nor of Chinese descent. I have been searching for hours for a few posts I've read a while ago (some by people who are of Asian descent) about this episode and I can't find them. sorry.

suffice it to say, even though I love Jago & Litefoot (the audio series and the characters), it's not an acceptable episode at all. but it's also important to remark that, because of it, some people aren't going to want to watch it. sometimes, people aren't saying "the episode shouldn't be this way," which causes others to answer that it was "a product of its time." sometimes, people are just saying, "this is an episode that attacks real people. I don't want to see it. I don't care if it was common in that era to be racist, i don't want to experience it."

however, there is an interesting point to the "it's a product of its time" argument. after all, everything is influenced by its society, for better or worse. and we can't change it anymore. TOS sometimes didn't quite understand the political themes it wanted to explore. Lovecraft was a horrible bigot. Talons was racist towards Chinese folks. and that's that. I don't think we should change the episodes/stories or anything. edit them in any way. that would be, in a sense, changing history. and we wouldn't learn anything from it, about how we can do better.

I think there are two solutions to this:

1. warnings before starting the text: this was done with The Talons of Weng-Chiang. on Britbox, where you can watch Classic Who, this serial has a content warning before the start. that's good.

2. the removal as a whole of the text from some places: I think before applying this one, there should be a lot of thought put into each case. I don't think removing a whole serial of Doctor Who or Lovecraft's stories from anything would be, well, fair. especially on tv episodes a lot more people worked on those, not just the writers and the directors. Lovecraft's writing influenced thousands. we shouldn't erase them or anything. but sometimes, for some cases, we should.

those in the US might seen a Confederate statue being taken down. that is, in a way, a form of removal of a piece of history.

but that is a good removal. statues glorify. one sees a statue and probably thinks "this was a person worthy of admiration." they should be taken down, maybe even with a permanent mark of why this was done (a plaque that reads "a statue of X was here, but he didn't deserve it because of Y" could be put in place of the statues, for example).

another example is the removal from DVDs of the short episode A Fix with Sontarans, a Sixth Doctor minisode that featured Jimmy Savile, a presenter who was later found out to be sexually abusing children.

the removal of that minisode is good, actually. it's not a full episode (it's not even Doctor Who). some might say that's "erasing history" but, like, you can still find it online or information about it if you want. this minisode deserves removal from DVDs and Blu-Rays and whatever more than content warnings. it's not an important part of the show and it prominently features a horrible person who did horrible things during that time.

so, after all that, I have explained why I don't like the "it's a product of its time" argument. it is an interesting point that deserves to be examined, but it's not very good.

I have had this in Drafts for so long I've probably forgot some of the points I was going to make, but eh, what can you do? hope you enjoyed reading this.

bye

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adhdeancas · 3 years

Text

Dean Winchester (and the script leaks last night) possessed me to write this.

Dean happens upon Chuck's latest book: Carry On. Except it ends differently than it really went, and the ending? It's really fucking bad.

tw: suicide mention, transphobia (quickly shut the fuck down)

Dean doesn’t make a habit of going to bookstores. Not because he hates books, contrary to what Sam might think; he just prefers to buy used books. There’s something comforting about a book that has already been worn and read over and over, that already shows how much the previous owner loved it. Plus, y’know, big corporations are evil and all that. And Dean only allows himself to overlook that when his stomach or his wallet wins over his hatred of the shitty mass-produced products.

This time it was Jack who won; he’s obsessed with this new fantasy series and the new book just came out, so there’s no way he can hunt it down on Ebay. He makes his way to the fantasy and sci-fi section, eyes roaming over the displays of new releases, and his eye catches on something that turns his blood cold.

“Supernatural: Carry On, The Final Book of the Winchesters’ Epic Journey” takes up a whole table, the generic and overly serious cover jeering out at him.

He storms over to the display, anger covering up for the way his body feels light as a feather and like lead all at once, and picks up a book. “Why is Sam always fucking shirtless?” he mutters, the only thought that allows itself from the mess inside his head to his mouth.

“Book sales.” A voice behind him says. He turns to see a teenager with their arms crossed over their work polo, pierced lip fixed into a customer-unfriendly frown.

“People want to see that?”

They snort, a small grin turning up the corner of their lips. It reminds Dean of Cas. “No. But that’s what advertisers think all ‘women’ want,” They use air quotes.

He raises an eyebrow and asks. “Women?”

They shrug and uncross their arms, leaning back against the display table behind them. Their nametag says Jadyn. “Supernatural’s biggest block of readers is queer. I’d go out on a limb and say a lot of those the marketers think of as ‘women’ aren’t, or if they are, they aren’t itching to see Sam’s six pack.” Jadyn smirks.

Dean takes a second to digest that, then grins down at the book, thinking past Sam’s apparently badly-received nudity now. “So how’d they like it?” he asks, waving the book a bit and looking up at Jadyn. Apparently they know a lot about the fans of the books, and for once, he’s proud of the way the story ended.

Jadyn’s face sets into all hard lines. “Most people fucking hated it.” they say bluntly, then, probably remembering that he’s a customer, correct. “Sorry. I mean, it got some good reviews, mostly from people who like Wincest, but beyond that, it had some problematic plot points.”

Dean winces at the reminder of the ship between him and his brother, then scrunches his whole face together in confusion. “Wait, what? Why?” Why would Wincest fans like it? What was problematic about their end?

Jadyn shifts from foot to foot. “I don’t wanna spoil anything for you-”

“I don’t care about spoilers, just give me the short version.” Dean says quickly. A quiet panic is rising in him, and suddenly he has a horrible feeling that he’s not holding the truth in his hands anymore.

“Uh, okay… Well, the most obvious thing is the bury-your-gays thing, then there’s the fact that it completely contradicted the rest of the lore. And it was ableist, misogynistic, and messed up, like, every character’s arc.” they take a breath, clearly worked up by it. “Even if they changed any of the details too, it was all built on Dean’s death, and that’s just bullshit. Sorry.” they apologize again, apparently mistaking Dean’s stricken expression to be in reaction to their rant and swearing.

“No, nah, you’re… you’re okay. Uh, thanks.” he waves a hand and wanders away from them, only remembering Jack’s book when he’s almost to the register. He manages to make his way back and find the damn thing, but he’s still in a fog when he gets to the register.

“Did anyone help you in the store today?”

“Huh?” he looks up and meets the middle-aged cashier’s gaze for the first time. Brent, from the nametag, looks at him impatiently. “Oh, yeah, uh… Jadyn. Jadyn helped me.” Brent scoffs and starts typing with a shake of the head. “Uh, is there a problem?” Dean asks, a little annoyed at this cashier’s unnecessary attitude. He usually doesn’t care if an employee’s rude, because they have to deal with assholes all the time and honestly Dean isn’t much better, but this one gives him a bad feeling.

“No, no, sorry. It’s just - “Jadyn’s” got this idea that he’s a girl. Makes everybody call him that name now too. Just-” Brent shakes his head. “I mean, you get it. Their generation, everybody wants to be special.”

Dean glares. “No, I don’t get it, Brent.” He says through gritted teeth. “Seems to me like Jadyn probably deals with enough assholes like you that her asking for a little basic decency is the exact opposite of special. Sounds pretty normal, actually.” He can see the fear creep into Brent’s eyes, and he knows the cashier is reacting to the murderous look in his eyes more than his actual words.

Brent hands Dean his bag of books with a quiet, “Here you go.”

Dean snatches it away. “Oh, Brent?” he checks over his shoulder to make sure they’re alone and then leans across the counter into Brent’s space. “You should find a new job, one where you don’t have to interact with other people. At least until you learn how to stop being a piece of shit.” He starts to ease away but thinks better about it. “And if you think that’s a suggestion, it’s not. My husband likes this book coming out next month that I’ll need to buy, and if I see you here when I come, well… it would be really embarrassing for you to tell all your little friends that you got your ass beat by a ‘special’ guy, huh?” He pats Brent on the cheek condescendingly and leaves with a huff.

Damn transphobes.

He only remembers the book once he’s back in Baby, and he takes the time to drive out of town before he pulls over to read it. It’s an old abandoned church, the cross long since fallen from the roof and the doors hanging off their hinges. He sits on the steps just because being in Baby seems claustrophobic for once in his life, and going back to the bunker to look at this is just… not happening.

Dean only skims the beginning to see that it starts the same. The ground erupting with bodies, hell spitting out its most-conveniently placed nasties, Rowena sacrificing herself, Cas leaving. His throat closes up at that, at Chuck’s description of Cas’s heartbroken expression as he climbs the stairs of the bunker. He clears his throat and skips to the end, right past Cas’s death that he doesn’t have the time to think about right now, past them defeating Chuck and then stops. He goes back a few pages, trying to find the disconnect.

The story’s different.

After Jack takes on God’s power, in the book, he’s totally fine. Not almost vibrating out of his skin or anything, not crying like the three year old he is because he’s scared. Not like it really happened. He just smiles and leaves him and Sam, and they let him go.

Dean scoffs, skimming over the story as it just gets more ridiculous.

In the book, he doesn’t even try to save Cas. They barely even mention him. And they never mention Eileen, either. In fact, Dean notes disbelievingly, practically the only characters in the last few chapters are him and Sam. They’re hunting again.

“What, is Chuck trying to keep the series going?” he whispers to himself, anger flaring through him. They let Chuck live, and he decided to write obnoxious fanfiction about them? He’s gonna kill that shameless little fucker. For real, this time. He deserves it.

In the book, Sam and Dean torture some vampire mime, and they enjoy it. Dean cringes; this is really what Chuck thinks of them. Then they tussle with more vamps in a barn and-

Dean’s brain stops working. He rereads the scene again and again.

“There’s something in my… something in my back. It feels like it’s right through me.”

Dean Winchester dies in a dirty barn, on a piece of freaking rebar.

More than that, Dean realizes on his fourth read-through. This Dean? He tried to drag out his speech, Dean can tell by the way he pauses for fucking drama. He would never do that. He would never talk to Sam for fifteen hellish minutes when he could be trying. Trying to live, so he can actually get his life back on track, get his family back. No, he made that speech stalling. He made that speech so Sam wouldn’t try to save him.

“You gotta admit, I had one helluva ride.” He was strangely calm.

Chuck made him kill himself.

Dean reads the rest of the book through blurry eyes, reading an ambiguous and nothing-ending, one where he’s somehow happy to be dead and driving around in heaven alone while Sam raises a kid into hunting and cries about Dean decades after he’s died. Eileen isn’t mentioned. Cas is mentioned once, and Bizzarro-Dean doesn’t even think about seeing him, apparently. The whole book ends with a hug between him and Sam, both dead. Both alone.

Dean rips the ending up. He tears through the stupid paper covering and keeps ripping the pages up until they’re the size of confetti. His lower lip wobbles. He throws the whole thing against the side of the building, and it tumbles through the broken doorway and drops into a pile of dust and dirt. “That isn’t the fucking ending.” he grounds out, knocking his hand against the flimsy handrail. It gives a little under his fist and he kicks at it. “That isn’t the fucking ending!”

He’s having a panic attack. Again. He tries to take deep breaths, but they’re gulping, too big, they’re making him panic more. He scrambles back to Baby and grabs his phone, presses the first number on his favorites list and waits for him to answer on speaker phone.

“Hey Dean, what’s up?” Sam sounds like he’s been laughing. There are voices in the background, and Dean tries to convince himself one of them is Eileen.

“Hey Sammy.” he chokes out, trying to sound normal. “You busy?”

There’s a pause, and then the sounds in the background. “Nah, Rowena’s just over.” he says casually.

“So those voices in the background were-”

“Rowena and Eileen, yeah. They’re trying to convince me we need to go to Mexico. For the beaches.” A smile in his voice. Dean lets out a sigh of relief. What’s up, Dean? You need something?” The smile drops, and Sam’s worried.

Sam’s okay. Sam’s okay. “No, nah. Hey, you heard from Donna lately?” Dean just needs to triple-check.

“Uh, no, not since Sunday dinner… Dean, you okay?”

“Yeah, she just- she hasn’t been answering my texts. Just wanted to make sure.” Dean lies quickly. His breathing is still uneven, but his body is settling into uneven shakes.

Sam sounds skeptical. “Yeah, well, she did tell us it’s been pretty busy at work lately. Y’know, everybody going out for the first time with COVID, getting stupid. Plus, y’know, nowhere’s drowning in EMTs right now.”

“Right. Yeah.” Dean takes a deep breath, a distant memory of Donna talking about that coming back to him.

“Pretty sure you were setting up a D&D session with Charlie while she was talking about that,” Sam laughs. Dean knows he means it as a subtle jab, but there’s too much relief flooding through him to care. Still, a string is pulled taut in him, and Sam can’t fix that completely.

“Gotta go, Sam,” Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else, and goes to his next contact. It rings for far too long, and Dean’s heartbeat picks back up to thundering.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean breathes out. “Cas, you know I love you, right?” He needs to test all the bounds of this, to make sure, just to make sure. Make sure Chuck isn’t still fucking with him. Because apparently, Chuck won’t let him be queer. Not in his story. Not out loud.

He can hear Cas’s eyebrow raise through the phone, and his chest is overcome with stupid fondness. “I would be a little worried if you didn’t.”

Dean grins widely. “Like, romantically. I’m in love with you. Because you’re the love of my life and I’m bisexual.” He says it all like it’s a checklist, like he expects some cosmic being to slap a hand over his mouth before he gets each next phrase out.

“Yes, Dean. We’ve been married almost two months.” Cas is smiling. It happens everytime he talks about their wedding. Dean adores it. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, now it is.” His whole body relaxes, still vibrating with leftover panic, but satisfied. “I got Jack’s book.”

“Oh, good. He’ll be so pleased.” Cas pauses. “Dean, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean eases off the ground and sends a last look at the dilapidated church before climbing into Baby. “Just- read a bad book. I’ll tell you about it later. When I get home.”

#i fixed it #god fucking damn it #dean winchester #destiel #saileen #saileena #sam winchester #castiel #eileen leahy #castiel winchester #jack kline #roweena #my writing #ficlet #deancas #trans dean #trans woman OC #tw: transphobia #tw: suicide mention

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redjennies · 4 years

Note

Not to be kinda down in the dumps (and I totally get if you don't wanna answer this bc it doesn't match the hype beauyasha vibes we've been feeling lately) but I'm finding out that there was a lot of hate in the twitch comment section during the show to the extent that Laura, Matt, Tal and others had to stop them. Do you think people would be sending the same amount of hate if it was another couple, say fjorester or Caleb x Astrid, who got an hour long special date? Like I get that some people don't want to watch an hour long rp date and would prefer plot progression and that's totally fine. But do you think this hate is bc people didn't want to watch an hour long date or was it because people didn't like that it was beauyasha (a wlw couple) getting the attention? I'm just kinda confused it the hate was from people not wanting to watch a date or if it was just blatant homophobia

I'm gonna be honest I don't know jack shit about what goes on in the Twitch chat or on Twitter. I've heard slurs got dropped in the chat, which I wouldn't be surprised by because people are homophobic/lesbophobic af, but I haven't seen anything actually documenting this and I'm not super keen on looking for it so while I doubt it's hearsay, it could be hearsay. in general, when it comes to things like homophobia or racism or misogyny, I tend to assume that shit like that is going on because people are goddamn terrible. I'm sure some people were just blatantly being homophobic because I know people are. I deal with it pretty much every day and am keenly aware of its existence.

but I also do think some people whining about the date might have not been purely motivated by sheer blatant homophobia. some fans (read: men) get annoyed by the romance arcs because it's "girly bullshit." some people are probably whining because it wasn't their ship. some people just like to fucking whine and complain like Marisha Ray is personally holding a gun to their head and forcing them to watch the show. I do think we would have seen a certain amount of backlash to an hour long date regardless of who it was because most people don't have the emotional capacity to do what I do when I think the show's being boring (read: the hours upon hours of indecisive bickering over plans) and just zone out with one headphone in and do something else instead.

but do I think people are being extra whiny because it's a lesbian ship? yeah, of course I do. do I think an hour plus beauyasha date would have homophobes, misogynists, and general entitled assholes who just can't handle media not immediately catering to what they want to see all in a tizzy and crying like little babies afterwards? yeah, duh. idk that's probably not the answer people want out of me, but it's what I think is happening and honestly? I don't really care about their tears one way or another. i've spent most of my life getting the shaft by the media and now i'm up here on cloud nine being pandered to and I'm loving every single second of it, baby.

#cr spoilers #the drama #asks

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choco-mark · 4 years

Text

A Marriage of Inconvenience (2)

overall pairing: mafia!jeno x mafia!oc

overall genre: angst | smut | fluff

warnings: language, mentions of violence + death, y/n wanting to kill jeno, jeno being an asshole, oppression of women, murder/homicide, jeno wanting to kill y/n

summary: when two mafia gangs decide to end their family feud after decades, your mother decides to give your hand away to marriage of their son, lee jeno. he seemed to hate you from the moment he laid his eyes on you, but could the resolution lead to something much more than a bride and groom?

words: 4.8k

masterlist

requested by 🤡 anon

18 April

It had been a few days since you blew up on Jeno, and thankfully he found you scary enough to stay away from you for a while. Mark had been visiting your room every now and then to send you messages from your fiancee (one of which had been ‘don’t go to the training room tomorrow,’ which gave you an extra reason to stay there longer than usual).

Today was the day of the mission, or at least, that was what Mark had told you this morning after handing you a box of battle clothing. You took one look at the color of the uniform, repelling it immediately before you realized the expense of the actual fabric and how protective it would really be.

Even the thin overcoat armor was bulletproof, as it was marked on the inner side of the jacket. The boots were heeled, making you a bit annoyed as you would’ve rather stuck with your own classic ones, but you couldn’t pass by the chance to step on someone’s very nice face for being an asshole.

As you were slipping on the last of your clothing, Mark came bursting in, nearly causing you to throw the nearest object at him. His eyes were blown wide open, darting around the room until he focused on you. “Is there anyone else in here?”

“No?” You placed down the glass vase back on the bedside table, walking towards him. “It’s just me. Are we leaving soon?”

Gulping, he nodded. “Yeah—we’re just missing a few people. They’re probably in the training room, or still getting ready. Um, you can come with me, though—Jeno wants to talk to you.”

You scowled at the sound of his name, wanting to do literally anything other than listen to the blond guy boss you around like he needed you to convince himself that he had power. You weren’t sure if he would ever get it; there was no way you were going to listen to anything he said, ever.

You walked down with Mark anyway, making sure to pocket your phone alongside you. Jisung had called you earlier, telling you quietly how he missed you and wanted to see you as soon as he could, and you had just chuckled, saying it would happen soon. It had hurt your heart, hearing your younger brother sound so broken over the call, but there was nothing you could give other than the empty promise of ‘maybe.’

Once you had reached the lobby, you noticed there was a line of Lee fighters, that were all (so surprisingly) male. Almost each and every one of them watched as you walked down the steps beside Mark, looking you up and down like you were some kind of specimen. It made you feel unknowingly self-conscious, having so many men stare at you without an ounce of remorse in their blood.

Jeno was in the corner, sitting next to an elderly but sharp looking man, talking intently with him until the man’s eyes fell on you. You wished you could have spat in his face from the way his eyes skimmed your body, a man who looked old enough to be your father. As you came closer, he stood up, giving you a slight bow, which you returned.

“Thank you for joining us, Y/N,” his voice was raspy, looking from Jeno to you, and then to Mark. “We’re glad to have one of the best soldiers in NCT Park for this mission, who is, I’ve heard, you? It’s an honor.”

Jeno gave an incredulous look to his father, looking at you with huge eyes that you thought they’d better burst from his sockets any moment soon. “Would you take a seat next to my son, miss?”

You cocked your head at the sound of formality, nodding slightly before sitting down stiffly beside Jeno, not feeling the man in front you had good intentions at all. Glancing over at your fiancee, you said, “I appreciate the deal you have fixed with my family; that is why I am here.”

The man nodded, looking up at Mark. “Your brothers are already on their way to the hideout, Mark, there’s no reason to go looking for them any longer. Get the cars ready, and make sure the system is set up before we arrive there. Okay, son?”

You had already found out from Mark that he himself was not a fighter, but a hacker instead. It explained why he always had an electronic device in his hands and why he had a notepad on deck every time he came to visit you; he was always ready, and dedicated to the cause. It reminded you of yourself.

He nodded, scurrying out of the room being followed by a few of the men. Jeno’s father leaned over, completely disregarding his son as he spoke to you. “We’re having you join Jeno’s team for this mission, so please effectively cooperate with him. Proper equipment is supplied in the van you’ll be taking alongside with the team, and if you need any assistance with weapons, my son will help you.” Jeno grumbled softly at the mention of himself, leaning back against the sofa.

“We are infiltrating the hideout for today, so we’ll only be providing blades for this mission. There shouldn’t be many people other than guards outside, and it will be an easy in and out mission for the treasure. Understood?”

You nodded. “And what of the mission? Is there anything I’m required to collect?” Jeno’s dad clicked his tongue at the sound of your voice, almost as if he disapproved of you talking. “Excuse me?”

“I understand you are a Park,” he continued, disregarding your question completely as he looked over to Jeno, who was sitting beside you. “And I am aware that your people raise their women as fighters, and I have nothing against it; any family shall wish to raise their children in any way they please. But in the Lee household, we do not condone any of the sort. You may have already realized that women are of a scarcity to the public eye, we like to keep it that way.”

Explains why your guys look at me like they want to eat me. You raised your eyebrow, scoffing internally at where this was going. What year are we in? Or rather, what century?

“Of course, I am sure my son has already informed you of your duties as his future wife, I believe?” The man pursed his lips, focusing steadily on Jeno. “And how to properly address all men with—well-deserved respect, of course?”

There was a flash behind your eyes, telling you that if you killed this man right now, everything coming out of his disgusting mouth would cease, but you had seen it coming anyway. The misogynistic nature of the palace, the way men looked at you like you were some kind of prey that should kept away like gold, it was very obvious.

But you plastered a smile onto your face, stopping Jeno as he began to speak. “Of course, sir. I am a Park after all, as you mentioned, so I believe it will take me some time before I can become accustomed to their new—expectations. My intention here is—well—to serve as you expect.”

Jeno’s father laid out a bright smile, showing that he believed your obedient antics as he stood up with a clap of acceptance. “I expected a bit of retaliation, as you are a Park, but you seem to have understood your position. I am glad, Miss Park, that you are able to fit our high standards.”

High standards my ass. You stood up shortly after, giving a small bow as he left, walking out of the room, presumably back to his office. With a roll of your eyes, you looked back at Jeno, who was standing next to you. “You assholes really are living in the 19th century, aren’t you?”

He ran a hand through his blond hair, glancing over at you in shock of how you had just spoken to his father versus himself. “You—what the fuck? You literally just said you’d listen!”

“Ignorant Lees,” you scolded, letting out a sound of pure disgust, thinking of the way his father had just spoken to you about women as if they were an object. “No wonder we hate you. Oppression of women like this is something you all should die for.”

But I can’t kill him yet. Jeno sighed at the sight of your defient figure, knowing that you weren’t about to give into the Lee ways. “You’re in our house now, might as well just act like a Lee too. Might make your life a lot easier.”

I need to know what they want from me first. I have to find out what their obsession with me is. “Life isn’t simple, Lee, and especially not mine. I will not ‘act’ like a Lee, and I will not hesitate to slice your ears off for being ignorant.”

“Can’t you just,” he rubbed at his temples, wondering how he was even going to control you during the mission, “act like a lady? Like a girl? Be nice and shit, you know?”

With a soft growl, you jabbed sharply at the man’s stomach, making him fall back into the couch with a loud thud, gaining the attention of the other fighters. You gave them all a little smile, waving them away as you turned back to the man you were supposed to call your fiancee. “You’re fucking crazy—”

You slapped both of his thighs, making all of the others look back at you as you straddled his lap, grabbing his neck between your hands. “Lee,” you said in a hushed tone, pressing a finger to his windpipe as he attempted to speak. “You’re young, you’re handsome, and you’re an absolute idiot. Use that brain of yours to think for a bit, just a little. Think of all the time women treated you so good, listened to you like you were their master.”

Jeno’s breath hitched as your grip on his neck tightened, his surprise turning to anger and then...arousal? “They were all on their knees for you, weren’t they? Giving you exactly what you wanted, when you wanted, making you feel like you were so in control. You liked that, didn’t you?”

“Women are not any less than men,” your tone was so soft now, but harsh in his mind as your hands grew hotter and hotter in his skin. “We never were. You are the same age as me, I am not any less important that you are and most certainly not because I am a woman.”

He didn’t know if he was supposed to be finding all of this so very hot, but he couldn’t help but want the grip around his neck to tighten. Jeno watched you with as steady eyes as possible, but you could see him faltering with your movements, letting you know silently that you had won this time.

“Watch your mouth, Lee,” you spat, a little louder as you got off of him, turning away to where Mark reentered the room, calling everyone out. “It could cause you some trouble in the real world.”

“I don’t really get it either,” Mark said, gaining your attention. “I mean—I heard you talking to Jeno. I don’t really get why my father’s always so—stupid about the whole gender thing.”

You were sitting in the back of the van, beside Mark as he attempted to show you his interesting gadgets that he had set up very intricately. It wasn’t that you were necessarily interested in whatever he was showing you, but rather that there was a less likely chance of you wanting to kill him over the other Lees or Jeno.

You nodded slowly, glad that at least one person had a bit of common sense. “I haven’t—seen any women around other than my servant. Where even—are they?” The question was more to yourself than to him, the curiosity of where they were hidden in the palace intriguing you.

“There are women in the house,” he continued, typing into a laptop that was showing some corrupt-looking software. “I—have sisters. They’re in the east wing, though, away from everyone else. They aren’t allowed out of their rooms unless they want to talk with the others, and there’s an old drawing room where they all gather.”

“Men aren’t really allowed in the east wing,” Mark glanced over at you, shining remorse in his eyes. “Not unless they’re married to them. Or if—it’s their mother. I visit my mom sometimes, but I haven’t seen my sisters since—well, a long time.”

“I mean, I used to sneak up there when I was younger to talk to my sisters—and Jeno actually used to come with me, but our father found us one day and—he wasn’t happy. He gave us a long lecture about how men and women weren’t equals and whatnot, it was basically just bullshit.”

“I still go though,” he let out a short cough, avoiding your gaze. “I see my sisters in my mom’s room all the time, but other than that—I really can’t.”

Your eyes widened at his words. They don’t allow siblings to see each other? What kind of—oppression is this? Isn’t it too much? You thought back to your home, where you had grown up alongside your baby brother your entire life, caring for him so deeply.

It hurt to even think about not having a relationship with Jisung; he was probably the only other person that you truly loved other than your mother. “Are you—serious?”

“Yeah,” his voice was smaller, the clash of the keyboard masking the pain as he gulped. “Um, we’re almost there. There’s—blades in the front, and like—other weapons and stuff. I don’t think you’ll need that many, anyway, we aren’t expecting much resistance anyway.”

“I will slice your arm off,” you hissed at one of Jeno’s teammates, scowling as they eyed you as if you were candy, but then widened their eyes at your harshness. “Which one do you want? I take requests everyday, you know.”

Jeno watched the scene from behind, stepping in to grab your arm and pull you away from them, sheathing the knife you had out back into the safety of your boot. You yanked yourself back, cursing at him for having such a tight grip, wanting to punch this man as well.

You looked so—confident, in Jeno’s point of view. Maybe a little too confident from the way you always stood straight and held yourself up as if you were more powerful than any other one of the Lees in the crowd currently, and he wanted to test it. He wanted to test to see if you, a woman, were just as confident as you portrayed yourself to the people.

“Why doesn’t Park go in first?” Jeno suggested out of nowhere, the sound rattling through everyone’s ears as they looked at him. “Unless, anyone else would like to volunteer themselves? You’re free to go.”

Silence rang through the air, making you look back at the men with an eyebrow raised, surprised that no one offered themselves. Mark scurried over to where Jeno was, whispering a short few words into his ear before his brother pushed him away, scowling. “I don’t really care.”

“—Is your friendly chatter over, Lee?” You asked with an amused expression, titling your head sideways at him as he glanced back over to you. “Shouldn’t you take the lead, as well, the leader of your unit? Or would you rather pass it down to a measly little Park?”

The last word was mockery, allowing a small smirk to break from your face as he stepped closer to you. “No, I’d rather test you. As the leader, I think I’d like to see what kind of skills my future wife supposedly has.”

Future wife. The title burned a fire inside your bones, urging you to move a step forward and stab him. Future wife my ass, fucker.

“If you insist,” you continued, turning around to avoid his stance. “I’ll move in first then, if it’s such a game for you Lees. The rest can follow.”

“Don’t order my men around.”

You clenched your teeth, shooting a sharp gaze to the blond man. “The rest can follow.” Disregarding his want to start another argument, you left him behind, moving past from behind the van to where the hideout was, guarded nicely by large guards.

You wished you had been given another weapon, because the knife inside your boot was not going to kill the two of them without adding suspicion to the other. Fuck Lees and their stupidass policies. They’re gonna get themselves killed.

Well lucky for them, they had you. The blade went soaring straight into the back of the first guard, a pierce to the heart as he fell a silent thud, making the other unaware as he was turned around. You made your move them, whipping your head back once before creeping towards the man, pulling the knife out as quietly as you could.

It didn’t seem to be completely quiet, however, since the other guard had whirled back to see you crouched over the now-dead man. He raised his glock, moving to shoot at you and missing as you sent the blade into the flesh of his shin, making him fall down.

Crawling over to the other man, you wrestled the gun out of his hands slipping it into your belt as you slit his throat with a quick motion, making sure to look away as you did so. As much as you had fought and killed all your life, the one thing you could never get over was the sight of a person loosing their life, no matter how horrible their deed was.

You stood up, looking back to where you had been hiding to see no one, your eyes rolling annoyingly. Jeno has most likely ordered the rest of his fighters to the back of the hideout, giving you absolutely no backup. Eithier he had full confidence in you, or he wanted you to die, and you knew it was the latter.

Moving past the gate, you scanned the area with a quick eye, realizing that there were no other guards to be seen. It was weird, even though Mark had told you before that many weren’t going to be there, but it was odd for a hideout to have less than ten guards. Perhaps, there were more in the back?

As you moved closer to the building, you hid on the side, pressing yourself against the wall as you eased closer to the door. Just as you did so, you felt a hand pulling the glock out of your belt, making your heart jump for moment before you put a hand over the gun and swiped with your other hand, hoping to get the person in the neck.

But a tight grip was met with your wrist instead, your eyes focusing on Jeno’s as he smirked in pride. The motion made you growl, twisting your hand out of his and raising your leg up quickly, giving him a hard blow to the abdomen.

“Fucking asshole,” you watched him collapse, groaning slightly as you stepped closer, and then took a step back. “Trying to play with me? Dangerous game, Lee. Stick to your gun play, maybe, I have better physical skills.”

Just as you turned your head, a hand was on your ankle, yanking you down harshly on top of the man. It was a slight miss, the knife skimming the end of his ear as you took account to what he just did. “Physical skills? Bullshit, Park. You’re weak.”

This wasn’t the place to do any of this, but you sat up hastily anyway, wrapping one hand around his throat as you did so. Judging from the way he liked it so much earlier, you expected that he would go limp when you did that, and the assumption was correct. Your knife pulled up from beside him, coming close to his face instead.

“I’m weak? You’re the one trying to kill me when we’re here for other purposes.” You were tempted to nick his gorgeous face, let just a drop of blood trickle down those sharp features. “All you have is strength, Lee. No brain, no logic, not even a bit of skill.”

Climbing off him, you watched as he shook himself back to his senses, the huge eyes being replaced by his rough ones. “Are you admitting to not having strength then, Park? Because I’ll have to agree with you on that.”

“You’re such a child,” you said for the second time, the words hitting him with a roll of his eyes. “No wonder all you Lees are so competitive, it must be a hereditary disease. The need to be the best, what a joke.”

Jeno’s eyes flashed with your mockery towards his family, his eyes moving quickly to a new guard standing behind you, aiming with a glock towards your head. He wasn’t sure if the guard even noticed him, but he definitely thought he didn’t when a bullet went through his head, marking his death immediately.

“You talk to much but do so little,” he looked over at you, grabbing you by the arm and shoving you forward. “You haven’t proved shit to me yet, then, and I don’t care if you think my family is competitive. We fucking are, and we like to win.”

“Start boasting about skill when you’re the highest family of NCT,” he nudged you towards the entrance. “I haven’t even seen the Parks on the chain, and you know why? Because you cannot win.”

The two of you were now inside the building, pressed against the wall as you tried not to screech back. “Not everything is a game, Lee.”

“Wrong,” the both you were now at the end of the hallway, his breath hot in your ear. “The entire world is a game, Park. We’re all just a bunch of players.”

The last syllable of his word ended with a loud clink to the front of the two of you, a grenade being thrown to end of the hallway. It burst almost immediately, and surprisingly, smoke covered the area instead, the disgusting scent filling up your lungs fully.

Jeno gave out a violent cough, covering his mouth as he attempted to see through the dark colors, his eyes straining as smoke filled his vision. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone inside, it was just the drugs that they were here for, stocked high in the hideout which was barely guarded.

But he knew something was wrong, when he reached forward with his hand to feel nothing but the air, your presence completely gone. “Park? PARK?!” Jeno stretched out both his arms, feeling around him as his heart sped up, his skin only meeting the cool brick of the wall.

Fuck, he had messed up. He had one job, and that one job was to make sure you were safe. It was supposed to be easy, a way to mock you through this whole mini mission, and he had promised his father that he would look after you. You, of course, were the prize after all.

Even Mark’s warning with bright in his head from earlier, the ‘she can’t get hurt, or else you know what’ll happen’ that he had ignored with a thought of ‘nothing will happen.’ “Park?! Fuck, Park! Where the fuck are you?!”

His voice was loud, almost an imitation of himself as he heard it echo through the hallway, not a person in sight or feeling distance. “Jeno!”

Jeno whipped his head back at the sound of his name, the sound being all too familiar as he saw a light at the end of the hallway, the door being wide open as he moved closer, his vision covering him from seeing anything. As he got closer, his knees bucked, almost making him fall before the owner of the voice yanked him out, pulling him back outside.

“Did you see who set it off?” Mark pulled his brother up, his eyes scanning the other’s as he coughed out the rest of the smoke. His mind was going haywire right now, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the smoke or from the fact that he had completely lost you— “Jeno!”

He pushed off Mark from his body, making the other man stumbled back as he took a seat against the wall, leaning back as he rubbed at his eyes. “I fucking—”

Jeno closed his eyes again, thinking back only seconds ago to where he had just murmured into your ear, the bomb going off right as he finished. There was no way you had gotten out, he would’ve been able to at least see you make your way back.

Your presence had gone almost as quickly as it was there, like you had vanished in a single moment, as if you had never existed in the first place. He grabbed his hair in his hands, letting out a low snarl. “She was fucking—right there! Right there, Mark! She was right, fucking—in front of me. I w-was talking to her, and the bomb went off and she literally vanished.”

“You lost her?”

If only he had been more aware of what they were actually doing there, and the mission they had to finish quickly, maybe he wouldn’t have taken his time to mock you. But it wasn’t true, he would’ve done anything in his power to prove that you were less than what you seemed, and it was exactly what he tried to do, while loosing you in the process.

The smoke had dissipated after a few minutes, and a few of Jeno’s team came out the door, hands full of suitcases and bags. Even when inquired by him, they swore that it wasn’t them that set off the bomb, and that it must’ve been a trap that the owners of the hideout set up. But it didn’t make sense, when they told him that they searched the whole building and found no one; there was no fucking way that you could’ve gone away that easily.

“Maybe she ran away?” One of the men whispered to the other, making Jeno perk up to them. “That’s all girls can do anyway, fucking run away from problems like the filthy sluts they are. She should’ve stayed inside like a good girl.” The sound of degradation going to your name set something off inside of him, making him step closer to the batch of men as they chuckled heartily.

“Watch your mouth, soldier,” he grabbed the first one by the collar, pulling him up to his face. “I’ll make you bleach your tongue clean if I hear words like that coming out of you again, hear? You’re talking about Park Y/N, one of the highest ranked soldiers of NCT, and I expect some respect would go to her. Hear?”

Jeno shook of the guy, pushing him back as he turned to Mark, who was watching the scene with wide eyes. There was no way he had just defended your name, no fucking way he had just told his men to respect a Park. But that was what he did, and it had to be done; there was no denial that you were a better fighter than any of them there, even though he wouldn’t have admitted that only a few minutes ago.

And there was no way that you had run away, and he knew it. A Park never ran away from a fight, and regardless you, you were beyond any of the other Parks that he had met in the past. You sounded like you were of a higher breed, so much pride in your body that you wouldn’t have fled like a lower clan member. It was just all in the matter of where you had gone, or rather, who had taken you.

“Jeno, we have to go back,” Mark finally spoke up, his eyes trailing his brother’s as he looked up at him. “I know, I know, but we have to. Father will get—suspicious.” But he would get more suspicious when the team came back, the prized woman he was supposed to watch, gone from their hands in an instant.

He was right, the entire world was a game play, just filled with every human as tiny pawns that were unknown to the common world. But you weren’t a tiny pawn to the Lees, especially not to Jeno’s father, you were the queen on the large chess board, protecting yourself and everyone you. Yet he was wrong, wrong about your weakness, but his heart was bursting inside of him as he looked towards the ground.

“Let’s go, then.”

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well, part two!! so jeno’s not a COMPLETE asshole this time, but i think he still fits the POV. this took a while as well, so i hope y’all enjoyed and be rrrready for the next (and maybe final?) part!!

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