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ketchup-monthly · 3 years ago

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Sanders Sides D&D 2

Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef

Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being

Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P

Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy

I want logan to have Rage

(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)

but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort

bc hes logan. he cant be not smart

Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)

he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard

plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration

Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon

also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass

Pat as cleric/druid

gasp logan as artificer/barbarian

janus sorcerer/rogue

because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan

bc mad scientist being actually mad

alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"

Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it

Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party

remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages

Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with

You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically

obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)

Eldritch knight roman

Feywild warlock virgil

hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name

hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)

okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special

FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL

virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage

Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits

so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus

So robot logan

i meant literally he doesnt feel anything

like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that

he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3

plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge

he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much

Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh

LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES

hey hey everyone needs to grow

and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right

plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......

but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others

logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others

the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person

Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other

when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come

Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad

this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be

OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT

AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS

im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically

bc also, remus and roman are royalty

so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster

wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop

SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES

AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT

BC ALCHEMY

Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet

lycanthropy but simic shit?

Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met

he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight

i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?

Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes

he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman

Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that

oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep

Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives

yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!

so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff

he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff

Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage

Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence

everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits

Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)

Logan

Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait

What if he was created by the king?

To make up for remuss disappearance

wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion

wait so like. a second son???

hes there to replace remus?

Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef

okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?

LOGAN AS A KNIGHT

and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself

the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe

okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit

wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws

he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)

oh man. so hes literally just a shield

his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how

and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work

Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy

So big question: why did virge make a deal?

Tricked

he gave janus his name

and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say

Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish

hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows

Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)

okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name

what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name

so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus

he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it

there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time

(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)

so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along

he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing

janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself

so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down

Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"

or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan

Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine

Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up

Janus vs Janice

so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice

Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan

I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan

Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc

#ss d&d 2

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hogwartsfirebolt · 5 years ago

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Hello there! I’m finally here with the third and last part of my favorite drarry fics I read in 2019!!! In the first part and in the second part I recommended 10 stories that made my year, and in this post I’m recommending 10 more that I absolutely adore. The banner art is by @spielzeugkaiser who was really kind and let me use this GORGEOUS piece, which you can (and totally should) reblog right here. Now, without further ado, here’s my,

FAVORITE FICS I READ IN 2019 PART THREE

1. The Company of The Rose - @lower-east-side - 31k - E - Six years after the war, Draco Malfoy has been restoring magical estates, while sidestepping his mother’s plots to marry him off and resolutely avoiding his issues. An advert in the Prophet takes him to a remote island, where a mysterious stranger has purchased an abandoned retreat. But the house has a few secrets of its own, and Draco will be forced to deal with not only his past, but the possibilities of the future.

We’re starting out this list with one of the last fics I read last year, and undoubtedly one of my absolute favorites. It’s gorgeous, sweet, breathtaking, a dozen other adjectives I can’t even think of. Stories that take place in beautiful, secluded places have a special place in my heart, and with a sure hand the author leads us through some of my favorite aspects of the trope: slow forming friendships, the feeling like they’re living in a world of their own as they get to know each other for who they really are, wonderful, delicious sexual tension keeping me breathless until the moment it snaps. The sex pollen element is also worked in a way I had never read before, with an exploration of what happens in the aftermath, addressing the issue of consent it creates. It’s just absolutely phenomenal, every single word of this.

2. I could be wrong, I could be ready - @harryromper - 57k - M - At first Harry wonders if they’ve managed to destroy his vaults and are trying to tell him in the most oblique way possible. But when he turns the page he realises they’ve found a vault. A vault in the name of Lily and James Potter.The parchment trembles a little in Harry’s hand. He takes another gulp of wine. Harry Potter left Britain after the war and didn’t look back. Ten years later, when Gringotts discovers a vault containing his parents’ belongings—including their badly spell-damaged wedding rings—he’s forced to face up to friends and family who’ve grown in ways he could never imagine, a wizarding London rebuilt beyond his expectations, and the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s the entirely unforeseen problem of Draco Malfoy. Featuring pureblood wizarding traditions, ancestral magic, open mic nights, marriage equality, a diner in Brooklyn, and the return of Fleamont Potter.

Explorations of Harry as a character and his post-war issues never fail to hook me right in, and this beautiful fic takes us with him on a journey where he changes so, so much, and at first he does it by running away, thinking everything will remain unchanged as long as he doesn’t acknowledge it, which, of course, isn’t the case. We see him having to face his past, reconnecting with his friends, finding and coming to terms with pieces of himself that he forgot about, or never knew existed in the first place, and it’s absolutely exquisite. The tremendous amount of character development, the regaining of trust in himself and others, the way we can witness a love story blooming slow and steady, and see Harry grow into a confident, wonderful man. God, I have feels for this one, for every detail, every character and setting and emotion. It’s absolutely fantastic.

3. What Real Thing? - @l0vegl0wsinthedark - 12k - E - They don’t cuddle, they don’t talk about their relationship (or lack thereof) and they certainly never fall asleep in each other’s arms.

This was my year of falling in love with l0ve’s fics. I had read some of her work before, but it was a few months ago that I found myself deep into her ao3 page, nearly weeping with the amount of emotion every single one of her stories stirs up within me. Picking just one was extremely difficult, but I finally chose this one, because the way she paints the relationship between Harry and Draco is masterful, their dynamic shifting and changing little by little, baby steps that become full-on sprints, single-minded and hesitant all at once, until we see them elbows deep into a feeling they don’t even know they’re experiencing, and it’s just brilliant, scorching hot, all-encompassing in a way that made me feel caught up in the whirlwind that is their relationship. If you haven’t yet read anything by l0ve, then I strongly, strongly recommend you start right about NOW. You won’t regret it.

4. Teeth - @amelior8or - 5k - E - Potter’s been practically begging for it, for months, constantly staring until the air crackles with the intensity of it. Draco always stares back, until all it takes is a brush, a spark, before they go up like flash paper. The crash into each other is inevitable. Draco’s heart has got teeth. And there is nothing he won’t do to keep up the fight with Harry fucking Potter.

I am absolutely, 1000% weak for werewolf stories, and in just 5k words this one managed to enchant and entrance me. It’s hot and fast-paced and intense in the way I love, with their relationship charged with emotion and intensity that transform bickering into passion in the blink of an eye. The moment I reached the end, I went back to the top of the page and reread it that very second, because I had to experience it all over again. Amazing characterization, banter to die for and explosive chemistry are all present in this gem. I kid you not, I’ve read it about six times at this point and just keep going back to that moment in the showers because THAT DIALOGUE IS JUST- wow.

5. Hush, darling - @magpiefngrl - 23k - E - Draco is in trouble. To get out of it he needs to seduce Harry Potter.

My god what a story this is. Absolutely unique, 23k words that felt like so, so much more because of everything they made me feel. There isn’t a single line of dialogue in this story that doesn’t feel purposeful, the characterizations constructed with such skill that every step the characters take rings true to their essence and gives us another clue to add to the puzzle that is Harry Potter, vulnerable man, powerful man, and Draco Malfoy, in all his darkness and his light. It also features some of the best sex scenes I have read, EVER. I could go on and on about this one, so let me just refer you to my long, individual rec for some more flailing.

6. The Pirate and the Prince - @nerdherderette - 49k - E - Draco can't believe that fate and circumstance have made him a stowaway on the Master of Death's ship. He doesn't know what's worse: the dread pirate's legendary vendetta against the aristocracy, or the fact that his captor is the most infuriating yet irrefutably fascinating man Draco has ever met.

YES!!!!! YES!!! The moment I saw the cover art for this fic on tumblr my entire being just screamed YES, and it was everything I could’ve hoped for and more. Listen, there is nothing I love more than fics where I get to see Harry as a powerful, ruggedly handsome man who’s not afraid of getting his hands dirty, and in here there’s some of that and MORE, because he’s a freaking PIRATE. And not only did I adore that aspect of it, but the writing pulled me right in, the setting so vibrant I could feel it in my bones, and I just genuinely enjoyed every second of reading this so, so much. There’s ships and adventure and fighting for what’s right, there’s lovely kisses, heated kisses, secret identities and parrot Hedwig. Just, all in all, a great freaking time.

7. Falling for a Golden Boy - @rockmarina - 44k - E - Merlin. Why couldn’t Draco have moved to a forgotten village in the Alps? He could have turned into a shepherd, learned to make his own damn cheese and given up his damn magic. But no, he’d had to come back to his Eighth year, hadn’t he? And this was his life now. Draping himself over Potter to hear words from him that he knew Potter wouldn’t ever mean.Great. The school year ahead of him looked simply great.“All I know is—when I’m with you, I…” Potter, the heathen, grunted when he read the rest of his line. “Do I really need to say this?”“What, scared of believing your own words, Scarhead?” Draco spat.“Boys,” O’Neill warned them.“All I—all I know is you’re the most amazing person with weak ankles that I've ever met, Meg.” Potter scowled. He was blushing again. “And when I’m with you, I feel less alone.”

My favorite eight year Drarry of all time, probably. I had never before experienced such a beautiful balance of the aftermath of the horrifying events of the war and how they impacted each character, and the light feeling of youthful fun. There are so, so many things to love in the 44k words that make up this masterpiece, so many details that warmed my heart and made me melt inside, so many moments that had me laughing or clutching my chest. In here, you’ll find quite a lot of Hercules references, wonderful teachers, drama club, healing, characters learning to trust, learning to love, learning to cope, beautiful friendships, hopeful romance. It is everything. I talked more about this fic in this individual rec, and I will absolutely talk MORE about it if given the chance. Everyone should read this.

8. Tease Crossed, Eyes Dotted With A Little Heart - @diligent-thunder - 18k - M - Draco's a curse-breaker, Harry's an Auror, and they're... something? Maybe? It depends. Harry definitely wants to get laid, Draco wants to follow procedure, and their work wives just want them to stop hiding from the truth.

I hope you’re not sick of my rambling yet because oooooh boy, THIS ONE. It’s funny, in the way that makes you cover your mouth because you’re about to burst out laughing on the bus, it’s hot, in that casual way that makes you clear your throat and shift your phone just a little, just so the screen can’t be seen by the person sitting beside you because like HELL are you going to stop reading now, it’s sweet, in the way that makes you smile so hard your cheeks hurt, and it’s so detailed and all around so, so much fun to read, in the way that grips you and doesn’t let you go, only to release you when it’s over so you can go and recommend it to your friends, IT’S. SO. GOOD. Real quick: auror + cursebreaker pairing, are-they-friends-with-benefits-or-more, guess-they’d-have-to-actually-TALK-to-know-that, teasing each other in public, getting trapped together for a bit there, powerful female characters, should you guys really be flirting right now? and MORE. Listen, just go read it now and thank me later.

9. That which hurts (and is desired) - @shealwaysreads - 19k - E - Draco was lying still, and pale, on a bed in a private room in St Mungo’s. The sheets were white, clean, enchanted against stains, vanishing the blood that kept spilling out of him. He hadn’t moved in two days. Not a twitch of his elegant fingers. Not a blink of his fierce eyes. Harry couldn’t even see the faint flutter of his pulse in his throat from where he stood at the foot of the bed, helpless, impotent, furious.

This fic is written so, so beautifully that it aches and leaves such an impression that, thinking back on it, every emotion hits me just as hard as it did when I was reading it. Everything Harry felt, I felt, every moment where he found himself just a little bit more in love with Draco, I was there, every moment of his frustration when Draco is hit with a curse nobody can decipher, I was there for it. With non-linear storytelling, it is evocative, a masterclass in narration, pacing, characterization and beautiful, lyrical writing. I nearly have no words for it. It features: auror partners that work together seamlessly, a dash of pining, a helping of very, very hot sex, and a love story that feels soft like a dream and thrilling like a race. This was the very last story I read in 2019, and I could not have ended the year on a better note. Definitely check this one out.

10. For Thine Is The Kingdom - @kedavranox - 66k - E - On a secret mission, Draco is Turned. With no memory of what happened, he learns that to save his missing Auror partner and regain what he’s lost, he must uncover the long-buried secrets of the vampire covens. To do that, Draco must open his mind and heart to what he has become, the new-found family that surrounds him, and the man who has remained steadfast at his side through it all.Harry spent five years avoiding the man he fell in love with, but when Draco needs his help, he cannot refuse. As they race against the clock to find Draco’s partner, Harry discovers that the bond they share is nothing to hide from, and that he'll never outrun the pace of his own heart.

And last but absolutely not least, there’s this freaking diamond of a story. I swear I want to squeal whenever I remember it. I’ll be brief: it is one of my absolute favorite fics of all time. In here, there’s vampires, unspeakables, a big investigation, wonderful side characters and information given in small little doses as we learn alongside the characters and piece together an entire picture. It’s dazzling, incredibly detailed in every way, with shades to each character and nuances to every interaction and bit of magic we get to see. I feel like anything I can say is not enough, I can never do this story justice. I have tried before, and written the gushiest individual fic rec of my LIFE but just- I honestly have no more words to express how much I think everyone needs to read this. Please, check that rec out, please, check this story out. There is absolutely nothing like it.

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And that wraps it for 2019! Thank you to all who take the time to check out my lists, and THANK YOU specially if you give these incredible stories a chance, because they deserve all the love in the world. Once again: All the way from here, behind a username and a few tumblr posts, I can honestly say that these 30 stories made my year. I hope they can make yours, too ❤️ If you ever want to discuss these (for tag concerns or plain flailing) (or any story really) my DM’s are always open!!!

#drarry #drarry fic #drarry fanfic #drarry fic recs #draco malfoy #harry potter #drarry fic rec #drarry rec list #2019rec #ficrec

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isozyme · 4 years ago

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just listened to "something to do w my hands" and WOW YEAH the savior complex & the need to support someone but a lil bit in a selfish way bc then that makes himself a good person... also YES idk why i haven't seen this yet but he's actually extremely smug & judgemental if you watch the corner of his mouth in cql it's VERY funny. would love your thoughts on why you think he doesn't ever put himself together again/come out of seclusion? have seen args either way & i think it comes down to jgy!

yessss you understand lxc!!!! the way his relationship with jgy is about lxc’s hunger to be needed, to be special, to be the only one who can see who jgy really is, to be better and kinder and more fair than everyone else, oof, it’s so good. i am hype to share my opinions on why lxc is irreparably broken at the end of the series.

to start, importantly: i basically take lxc/jgy as canon. i don’t think the plot makes sense without it. they are fucking, they love each other, they’ve both fucked around with nmj and that shit is fraught. you can’t convince me otherwise and all of my meta assumes this is fact.

i think lxc knew that jgy's hands were dirty, and almost certainly suspected that jgs’s death was jgy’s doing. i don’t think he knew about nmj, or how gross jgs’s death was, the incest stuff, etc. i think he saw enough to know that jgy probably killed his dad, went “you know what, that’s fair, i can forgive him for that” and decided that if he didn’t dig any deeper he wouldn’t have to know for certain and he wouldn’t be forced to do anything about it. lxc averting his eyes so he didn’t have to confront jgy doing a couple murders led to some...uh...bad stuff happening.

so that’s guilt #1.

then there’s guilt #2: he killed jgy. he got tricked into being a weapon and he put a sword through jgy’s chest.

guilt #3: he still loved jgy, even though jgy was an objectively vile person. he grieves jgy and he feels guilty for grieving and it fucks him up!

when it comes to lxc and guilt, you gotta take into account that this man has been told his entire life that he’s the most talented person in the five clans. he’s the first jade. he’s peerless. lxc strives for perfection and is pretty sure he’s basically nailed it, which means he believes fundamentally that if a thing is possible, he is capable of doing it. are we seeing where this is going? yeah. lxc thinks he could have stopped all of this. if he’d looked closer. if he’d been less selfish. it’s all on him. it’s his fault.

building on the “lxc has put his own damn self on a pedestal,” issue, now that he’s fucked up so spectacularly, all that certainty that he’s a perfect person is torn to shreds. he can no longer trust himself to make any good decisions. a huge part of his self-concept was a lie all along. he was not good. he was not fair. who the fuck is lan xichen if he’s not the cultivation world’s shining beacon?

in guanyin temple he shuts his eyes, drops his hand, and decides he doesn’t care how he dies, because he’s fucked up so bad. all the fight goes out of him. i don’t think he’s ever going to heal entirely from that moment.

oh also he’s really really angry and is absolutely not going to acknowledge that or deal with it, because lxc doesn’t do angry. (that’s the cost of having perfect control of your temper.) he’s furious that this happened to him and he was massively betrayed and that nhs used him and that his brother chose right when he chose wrong. so that’s fucking him up on top of the guilt and the grief.

basically that’s why i think lxc is permanently damaged by the end of cql. he’s never ever going to go back to being the first jade, zewu-jun, lan-zongzhu. that identity has been thoroughly destroyed. with time he might recover enough to be a functional member of the clan, but he’s always going to be fragile.

as for the seclusion question! i’d totally believe it if lxc walked into seclusion and never came out. that seems in character to me. with the right coaxing, he might come out again. absolutely not before at least 5 years have passed. likely longer. when he goes into seclusion i certainly don’t think he’s planning to ever return.

it really hinges on lz, who’s the only one with a chance of drawing lxc back out into the world. lz is stubborn enough to do it! eventually, even lxc would be worn down by “my beloved little brother, who i basically raised from a child, kneels outside my door for eight hours on the first day of every month, the same way he did outside our mother’s house after she died, and i can’t stop remembering scooping up his cold little body out of the snow where he’d fallen asleep waiting, again, for someone who’s never going to emerge, watching him kneeling bravely during lessons the next day even though his knees were so, so bruised, and i’m repeating every single mistake our parents made only worse because i know exactly how much it’s hurting lz because i’ve watched it before.”

i personally headcanon that a decade or so after guanyin temple, lxc shows up unexpectedly at lz’s shoulder at a cultivation conference. he’s got the exact same smile and makes the same polite conversation, because those things weren’t ever particularly connected to his actual emotions. but he’s thinner, and he holds himself like a porcelain statue, one missed step away from shattering. if he thinks nobody is looking at him, the smile stays on but his face doesn’t move, like there’s just nothing there underneath the polite expression because he’s not putting any effort into animating it. it’s unsettling as fuck!! he’s useful, efficient, great at killing evil things, he eats, he drinks tea, but you can tell his tether to the physical world is tenuous at best.

after guanyin temple, lxc never weighs in on a single important political decision ever again.

ONE THOUSAND WORDS LATER, that’s why i think lxc’s not gonna just bounce back from this one!

#the untamed #hey don't worry #it's not like lz's ever going to fully recover from wwx's death either!#although he definitely does better #hard to do worse tbh #what's that?#huh?#are you saying that i'm over-identifying with lxc?#don't know why you'd say that!#fuckin specious is what that is #i over-identify with lan xichen AND jiang cheng thank you very much #Anonymous

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andorwhore · 4 years ago

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Saudade - II of VII

Chapter II of VII: Agreement

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter two: How does a slicer gain the trust of a rebel? They don’t.

author’s note: Wow, long time no post. I’ve been trying to finish the last two chapters of this fic, which have been giving me a lot of trouble, so I haven’t wanted to post anything in the meantime. But I realized how damn long its been since I’ve updated, so time for another chapter!

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 10,434 (its another doozy lads) rating: T, eventual R warnings: none (yet)

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

Jai Tillian maneuvered around pilots, spies, and fellow technicians as she made her way across the hangar at Yavin 4 headquarters. Over one shoulder was a purse of technical equipment, and in the opposite hand she cradled a datapad close to her chest. Her strides were long and quick as she aimed to get to the east end of the haggar, scheduled to run a diagnostics test on one of the gunships that had recently returned from a mission; apparently the computer wasn’t processing as it should, resulting in multiple issues during its last voyage.

Jai’s whole morning was booked with busy work, jumping from ship to ship, running tests or upgrading software on each one she entered. She fell a little behind schedule during her last test on a corvette, as the pilot was being far too distracting the entire time, and Jai hoped that this next one she had to deal with on the gunship wouldn’t interrupt her focus.

Jai had been with the Alliance for a little over a month, and yet it still seemed odd to say so. She had been accepted in by the council and the other technicians that she had met thus far, had spent nearly every meal sat with Miona, and had been between the control room and the hangar nearly every day learning. Yet it didn’t feel completely real, it felt as if any day now she’d be told play time was over and she’d be sent back to the Ring of Kafrene.

Jai didn’t know entirely what her thoughts were on the matter of the Rebellion versus the Empire, though she wouldn’t dare say so out loud to anyone here. Perhaps she should feel wrong for being with the rebels while trying to confront her own political doubts, should feel as if she were simply faking it to finally experience some new excitement in her life, but she didn’t feel wrong for it. Jai knew she agreed with what the Rebel Alliance was fighting for, she simply didn’t have the same passion and intensity that everyone else seemed to. And there was nothing wrong with lacking fervor in her personality, was there?

Jai had never been a particularly zealous or excitable person. Those that knew her often noted that she had an incredibly relaxed and flat way about her, verging on coming off indifferent and disinterested. It’s how she had always been, not by choice or by force, but simply by nature. She rarely became too passionate, too angry, or too sad. Her anger was perhaps the most easily triggered of the three, after all it was always the easiest emotion for anyone to fall into so long as their buttons were pushed just right, but even then her anger never seemed to come off as aggressive as others’ and it never lasted very long at all.

Maybe from a young age Jai had learned not to invest herself in emotions. Back on the Ring of Kafrene, her life was relatively uneventful, save for the occasions in her youth when she and her siblings got caught causing trouble. Despite the vast array of people that traveled to and lived in the colony, Kafrene was actually quite mundane, being particularly monotonous to a child who’s intellect led her to quickly becoming bored of the people and things around her.

As an adult, that quality in Jai hadn’t changed. It wasn’t that she thought herself too smart or too ambitious for Kafrene, in fact Jai often found herself to be of plain intelligence and of lackluster drive. Kafrene was simply too repetitive and predictable after seventeen years of growing up there. That’s why she could come off nearly cocky about her slicer skills -- codebreaking had become one of the only things that could hold Jai’s interest, and so she came as close as she could to perfecting those skills given her limited resources.

The one thing Jai could say genuinely excited her was building new equipment or upgrading her scramble key in some way. The stimulation and excitement of finally getting a successful result after trial and error of testing out a new piece of tech was virtually unrivaled by anything else. Sure, there was a distinct joy she use to feel with her family in her youth, there was a certain thrill whenever she was working on challenging slicing project, and an undeniable sensation when she, on rare occasions, engaging with someone else sexually, but for Jai nothing really compared to spending hours alone at her messy workbench, fussing with her scramble key until she perfected whatever she was trying to achieve.

Some of that excitement she still felt here on Yavin 4, but the work she was given had yet to be particularly stimulating. As a newbie, Jai was often shadowing other rebels to better understand what the technicians did at base in every relevant department. A number of the techs were trained for field work, but the majority that Jai had been working with so far stayed behind at headquarters, putting their skills towards encryption and decryption, repairs and upgrades. Jai had made it known that she’d be interested in training as a field tech, but it seemed that she may not get the opportunity yet, as no one she spoke to showed much enthusiasm for the idea. Jai hoped that she didn’t grow bored too quickly -- she was far too tired of constantly becoming bored by things, and she hoped being with the Rebellion would supply her with the stimulation she needed to stay invested.

Jai finished her job on the X4 gunship with relative ease, finding the glitch in the software and quickly remedying the problem. As she exited the ship, she looked down at the datapad to see if she’d gotten any messages about the next ship that needed her attention, but she didn’t receive any. So, she started back toward the main workstation, knowing that surely enough she would be called to something else soon.

As Jai rounded a large freighter a voice called to her to step out of the way, to which she did promptly while looking up. Two other technicians were passing by with a large equipment cart between them, and Jai did a double-take at the content inside.

Was that Cassian Andor’s droid?

As the technicians passed her, Jai asked them to stop, looking at the KX that was currently shut down.

“Shit, he’s seen better days.” She remarked while leaning over the equipment cart -- the droid’s right leg looked as if it were hanging onto his torso by a thread, it's usually pristine metal armor dented, scuffed, and stained, and there was definitely some kind of heavy damage to the back of it’s head, though Jai didn’t reach out to get a better look at it, “What happen here?”

One of the techs shrug, “Hell if we know, Gar’s over there right now trying to figure it out.”

He motioned behind himself with his head, Jai’s eyes following the indicated direction until she finally spotted Cassian and the head tech, Gar, standing just outside of the U-Wing. Jai stepped out of the way, and the two technicians continued to the workroom without saying another word.

Since their meeting and quarrel last month, Jai and Cassian had hardly seen one another, and neither had any intentions to approach first. The day he’d found her on his ship was still rather clear in Jai’s head; when she recalled the way he was very nearly kind to her, she was puzzled, especially given that after that he’d only been dismissive and even rude. Jai had heard a lot of good things about Cassian, heard other rebels sing his praise with admiration. Jai could tell he was a good man with good intentions; but, she pieced together quickly, he was incredibly passionate, and in that way, the two were a stark contrast. Perhaps even that first day they met Cassian could sense her general indifference towards everything, even as she sat on the floor of his ship with a gunshot wound in her stomach.

Maybe that was why he’d been so adamant that there was no place for her in the Rebellion. He was aggressively passionate, and she was aggressively impassive.

There was no reason for either to consider resolving their dispute from those first couple of days -- they worked different departments, Cassian was often away on jobs, and Jai was still too new to the Rebellion to be given any work of value. Their paths weren’t meant to cross again any time soon, and yet, something told Jai she was supposed to see K-2SO and, as a result, go looking for the droid’s partner.

Jai stayed planted where she stood, observant eyes watching the conversation going on between Cassian and Gar as a pair of agents stepped off of Cassian’s ship behind them. Jai could tell even from here that Cassian was exasperated, the look on his face and the upset way he moved his arms being a dead giveaway. Jai tilted her head slightly as she studied him -- did Cassian make a habit of going off on people like this?

No, Jai recognized quickly that he wasn’t yelling at Gar, nor did it seem that his anger was even directed to the other man. He was upset about whatever the hell happened to K-2SO.

For a couple of seconds, Jai didn’t even realize she was walking toward the pair, seemingly pulled by some curious invisible thread. And once she became aware of what she was doing she didn’t hesitate or pause to consider what exactly she intended to do once she got there. She was curious about what happened to the droid, and she was still holding onto some of that curiosity about the captain as well.

Jai was finally within earshot of the pair, though still far enough away that Cassian had yet to take notice of her.

“I’m supposed to be in Dennaskar by tomorrow, I need Kay with me.” Cassian insisted, and now that she was closer Jai could recognize that it wasn’t just upset in his expression, but also worry and concern for the droid, “Gar, is there any way you can speed up the repairs?”

Gar shook his head, “Cassian, this is at least a two day repair job, and that’s not even considering any work we may need to do if there’s been any serious damage to his software.”

Jai stole a glance back toward the techs’ workbench, spotting K-2SO being brought back into the workshop where more serious repairs were handled. She turned forward again and walked the short distance to the men, Gar spotting her first as she began to speak.

“So, what the hell happened to him?” She asked casually while jerking her thumb in the direction the droid disappeared in, looking between the men briefly before her eyes settled on Cassian. His expression seemed to harden just a little, which didn’t go unnoticed by Jai; so, he was still holding onto some kind of grudge against her.

“Ran into some hostiles on a job.” Cassian answered simply, knowing there wasn’t need to elaborate. Despite the fact that there were four other rebels with him and Kay on that mission, somehow they were still unprepared. At least no one was seriously injured aside from the droid. Cassian looked back to Gar, “You’re certain it’ll take two days?”

“Or more.”

“Could be three if that damage to his head is as bad as it looks.” Jai added, and, though it was subtle, both men looked at her as if her contribution was unwanted.

“Great…” Cassian muttered while crossing his arms. He looked away from the technicians, taking a deep breath as his eyes searched the hangar as if somewhere there was an answer to a question that he hadn’t even asked. Jai watched with a slight tilt to her head before turning her focus back over to Gar.

“I can help with K-2, if you need it.” She offered, interested to see what made the reprogrammed Imperial droid tick, “I haven’t done a lot of droid work, but if you need an extra hand I’d love to see what you’re doing.”

Gar was considered the resident droid expert, among other things, who trained all of the newbies that showed any interest in droid mechanics. He could handle both the external repairs as well as internal repairs in droids’ chips, dataframes, and keys, and he did so better than anyone else in the Alliance.

To Jai’s suggestion, he shook his head, answering dismissively, “My team’s good right now, Tillian.” She gave an accepting nod, though she was mildly disappointed by the answer. As Jai started to look down, she noticed that Cassian had returned his eyes to her watchfully, “I need to get started on Kay; I’ll ask around, see who can go with you to Dennaskar.”

“No one is as good as Kay.” Cassian replied matter-of-factly, and Gar’s expression suggested he thought the same, though he made no sound of agreement.

“You know you can’t do the job alone.”

Cassian knew that to be true, but there was no need to verbalize that. With one last look between the captain and Jai, Gar turned and began in the direction of his workshop.

Jai felt a sinking feeling in her stomach almost immediately, realizing she was standing here with Cassian on her own. Despite all the activity going on around them in the hangar, it felt as if there was some kind of bubble muting out all of the outside noise; Jai’s back became a little stiff as she immediately felt a tension grow between them.

“Where’s Dennaskar?” She asked simply as she looked past Cassian and toward his ship, assessing its appearance -- whatever troubles they had encountered on their last mission luckily hadn’t reached his ship, or the damage was so minor that Jai didn’t notice it.

“Mid Rim, Manda Sector.” Cassian answered, his tone flat and indifferent towards her, knowing there was no need for aggression; something about Jai may still have rubbed him the wrong way, but he’d gotten past any of the upset he had towards her, at least for the moment.

“And what’s there?” Jai’s tone, too, sounded somewhat detached; despite being able to get under her skin, Cassian also seemed to have this ability to make her nervous without doing a damned thing. For a few long, stiff moments he didn’t reply -- the tension was slowly growing thicker.

Cassian spun on his heel to face his ship, looking up at it with his arms crossed for a few seconds longer, “There’s a lab that supplies the Empire with vehicles and weapons. Kay was supposed to go in and steal data about their recent supply; now I have to figure out another way to get the information without him.”

Cassian started walking back toward his ship, and with a furrow of her brow, Jai followed just a couple steps behind.

Stealing data? Jai could do that in her sleep; she knew a number of other technicians here could do the exact same thing. She could see the advantage of sending K-2SO in to take care of it, given that he was a droid and could probably blend in with the rest of the Imperial security team at this laboratory, but Cassian could still get the job done if he brought in a well-rounded technician. Or…

“Sounds like you could use a slicer.” Jai’s tone finally sounded eager with suggestion, and Cassian faltered only a half-step before continuing, his head tilting slightly in her direction curiously. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what she was suggesting, and Cassian scoffed at the idea of it.

“If you’re suggesting I take you, the answer is no.” Cassian spoke firmly and nearly mocking while stepping into his U-Wing, looking at the supplies that were left behind by the rest of his team. Jai paused to lean in the doorframe, crossing her arms as her brow furrowed slightly. When Cassian looked back toward her, his eyes were authoritative and dismissive. Without saying a word, he made it quite clear he didn’t trust Jai.

She shrugged her shoulders while rolling her eyes, “And why not? You need a good tech person, and I need field training.”

“I’m not here to train some careless slicer.” Cassian’s condescending tone caused Jai’s eyes to harden as she sucked in her cheeks in annoyance. What was it about this captain that managed to upset her far too easily?

Cassian turned his back to her again, picking up the supply bag left on the floor before brushing past Jai and walking across the hangar. Once again, Jai was right on his heels.

Jai continued in an accusatory tone, “What’s your problem with me?” Cassian barely spared a glance back at her, “Is it the fact that I’m a slicer? Or because I talk back to you? Or are you just bitter that I’m here?”

Cassian’s eyes hardened as he scoffed at her again, “You tried to steal from me, you broke into private files about me, you joined this Rebellion because you were bored, and you continue to show very little interest in the cause you’re here for.”

Jai huffed as they reached a supply table, her lips pulling back in an unamused sneer. Cassian dropped his bag a little too roughly atop the table as he looked to see what he needed to stock up on, “I think you’re just intent on not liking me.”

“And if I am?” He questioned, looking at her briefly with judgmental eyes, “Why does it matter to you?”

The faintest of smirks seemed to ghost over Cassian’s lips, as if pleased that he turned this back around on Jai, who was currently staring at him with an expression that suggested she herself was mulling over that exact question. Cassian silently returned to filling the bag before slinging it over his shoulder and beginning to retreat back to his U-Wing, thinking he’d put a pause to Jai’s pursuit.

“Andor!” He heard from behind him less than a minute later. His steps nearly stuttered, sighing while his eyes rolled back into his head in annoyance -- it looked like Jai was a little more stubborn than he’d given her credit for. Cassian heard her footsteps jogging up behind him, and he refused to look down at her once she’d reached his side, “Look, just set aside whatever this issue is and take me to Dennaskar.”

Cassian was tempted to question her, but kept his mouth shut while continuing to his ship. He could feel Jai looking up at him expectantly, but he kept his eyes forward.

“How many other techs do you know that could do the job properly? You were gonna have K-2 hack into their computers and download information, right? I can do that, my tools work nearly as quick as a droid can, sometimes even quicker.”

Cassian continued to bite his tongue. But apparently Jai didn’t take well to that, because after a few moments she quickly stepped up in front of him, eyes hardening with resolve.

“Don’t ignore me.” Cassian’s brows rose in surprise at her tone, but the rest of his expression made no show of the reaction.

“Would you rather we go on arguing?” He countered.

“Please let me do the job -- no one here is willing to give me decent jobs because they still see me as a newbie.”

“Because you are.” Cassian replied firmly, “Being good with computers does not automatically mean they’ll throw you into complex jobs -- you have to work your way up. You’d know how that works if you’d ever had a real job.”

Jai was ready to argue back, but managed to stop herself and take a deep breath, trying to calm down the upset that had begun to rise in her. Her tone was calm again as she spoke, “I’ll have you know, I did have a real job.”

Cassian’s face unexpectedly pulled into a look of amusement, though there was mockery to it and doubt in his tone, “Really?”

“Yes.” Jai replied simply, putting no effort into trying to convince the captain, knowing it to be a pointless endeavor. Cassian gave a slight hum before stepping around her and continuing the short trek to his U-Wing. As he expected, he could hear Jai behind him, “You said you need to be in Dennaskar by tomorrow -- if you take me, you don’t have to worry about being behind schedule because you had to find someone. Just take me on this one job, and you’ll never have to deal with me again.”

Cassian replaced his supply bag to where it belonged, turning around to look at Jai as he crossed his arms. One of his brows was raised as he stared into her face -- this was fascinating. He didn’t expect Jai to show such an interest in anything given her track record. Despite the fact that Cassian had avoided interacting with Jai since her arrival here, he nonetheless had asked about her on occasion, curious to hear about this slicer that was so obviously misplaced in the Rebellion. He asked that tech friend of hers, Abe, about how she acted and he asked Gar how she performed -- Cassian interpreted from both responses that she was indifferent to this job. She never seemed to discuss the cause with anyone, even if someone asked her about it, and she seemed to approach her assignments with boredom. Maybe Abe and Gar misinterpreted her, or maybe it was Cassian that misinterpreted their descriptions. Either way, the insistence Jai showed to be a part of this mission opposed the profile Cassian had been building on her in his head.

Maybe she was more invested in the cause than she let on. Maybe she was just bored out of her mind here on base.

“Why do you want to go?” Cassian finally asked, though he no longer spoke with venom or mockery. His question came across curious and, dare Jai say, actually interested to hear what kind of answer she’d give him. Even his expression lost some of it’s harshness as he awaited her reply. And it was as if that change in his tone allowed some of Jai’s tension to dispel, because she was suddenly able to think a little more calmly and slowly, to actually consider for herself why she wanted to go on this mission.

She was quiet for a little while, arms hanging at her sides as she tried to find the right words, “I need to prove myself.” Cassian’s brows briefly rose as a silent instruction to continue, his interest still held, “The only way these people will take me seriously is if I do a field mission. No one wants to give me anything more than busy work because they doubt what I can do.”

“And do you?” Jai gave him a confused look at the question that sprung from his lips, “Doubt yourself?”

Jai laughed through her nose as she smirked, answering surely, “No.”

Cassian gave a single nod, uncrossing his arms as he turned toward the steps into the cockpit, though he didn’t make a move to ascend them just yet. He stood paused in consideration, looking down at the floor while mulling over Jai’s explanation. The young technician stared at him patiently, though she was certain he’d tell her any second now to go back up to the control room to fuss with her computers.

“Get whatever you need.” Cassian finally spoke, looking back to Jai, “Tell Gar where you’re going, and be back here in half an hour.”

Jai’s eyes grew large and alight with excitement, her mouth pulling into a small, surprised smile -- Cassian nearly made a face at the expression, not expecting such an obvious reaction from this woman who was either irritatingly neutral or simply angry. Jai gave a nod and spun on her heel quickly, barely refraining from running across the hangar toward the turbolift.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jai sat in the U-Wing’s copilot seat, her legs pulled up for her heels to rest on the edge of the chair, using her knees as a place to hold her datapad. She was reading up on Dennaskar and the Santhe Corporations laboratory, digging through all the data the Alliance had collected on them. In the seat beside her, Cassian’s eyes seemed entirely focused on the vast space around them, his expression giving away nothing to his thoughts on their mission or on the woman that tagged along with him. The only tell that he was not entirely invested in his new mission partner was the way his lips looked to be tight with tension.

Not far from the Santhe lab was the city of Juspus, which housed the planet’s largest starport. Cassian informed Jai that he had a contact in Juspus that would meet him at the port to supply them with Santhe uniforms and a secure way to get into the lab; Jai, having grown up learning to be wary of others, found herself wondering if the contact was someone they could trust, but she refrained from vocalizing her doubts.

“What data am I looking for when we get there?” Jai asked as she continued to slide through the information on her screen.

“Santhe rolled out a new series of gunships for the Empire recently, but we think that may have been a cover for something.”

“And what makes us think that?” Jai rolled her head lazily on the head rest to glance at Cassian.

Upon feeling her eyes watching him, Cassian briefly looked back at Jai, “Santhe is the Empire’s largest supplier of ships and weapons. On a recent mission another captain got word that the Empire may be working on something new unlike any of their usual weapons -- if that’s the case, Santhe is almost surely involved.”

Jai pushed out her chin slightly as she mulled over his reply before looking back down to her datapad, “So, you want to get your hands on all the files relating to their newest series to see if there’s information hidden in them.” Her brows knit together as she considered that, “What if we just… took all of Santhe’s data?”

Confusion pulled at Cassian��s brow as he turned his eyes to the woman again, looking for clarification, “All of it?”

She gave a brief nod while meeting Cassian’s eyes again, “If they have something to do with a new secret weapon, what makes you think that information is solely disguised or hidden in their recent gunship files? It could be somewhere else in their database. And I doubt we’ll have the time to sift through all of the information while we’re there, it’s too risky to waste that kind of time, so what if we just download all of it to my drive?”

Cassian stared at her quietly for a few moments -- he was nearly begrudging to admit it was a good idea. If he had Kay with him, Cassian knew the droid would have been able to latch onto the appropriate information in Santhe’s system and get out of there quickly. Cassian hadn’t yet considered that even a talented slicer couldn’t perform that task the way a droid could.

“You think you can do that? And quickly?” He questioned, sounding hopeful, maybe even eager about her plan.

“I can do it, I just need you to make sure I have the time.” There was a seriousness in Jai’s eyes that Cassian hadn’t seen before, though really his two previous encounters with her weren’t much of a basis for comparison. He was sure Jai wanted to look knowing in her seriousness, but Cassian could tell it was worry that he saw hidden in her gaze, “They have to have an archive computer of some kind, and where there’s an archive there’s someone managing it. I need you to keep them occupied long enough for me to get into their system and copy everything out of the archive and to my drive.”

“You sound like you’ve done this before.” Cassian’s eyes narrowed, wondering what kind of jobs Jai had done back on Kafrene to give her this kind of thoughtfulness.

Jai shook her head quickly, “Nothing even remotely close to this, I just know a guy who knows a guy.”

Cassian doubted it was worth asking her to elaborate, not that he cared much for the details to begin with. He turned his eyes forward again as Jai continued to plan out the specifics of the next few hours. Occasionally she chimed up to ask Cassian a question about the lab or this contact he had on Dennaskar, but otherwise the two remained in a tense silence.

As they were finally nearing Dennaskar’s starport, Cassian reached out to his contact so they could meet and collect the disguises and building access. He instructed Jai to stay back on the ship, not wanting his contact to be exposed to any more rebels than necessary just in case the man ever felt enticed to turn against them. Once Cassian had left, Jai continued to occupy herself with more planning and speculation for the mission.

She wouldn’t dare admit she was nervous -- the last thing she needed was for Cassian to know. There were a million ways this job could go south, and if she vocalized any of those doubts, Jai was sure she’d trip herself up somewhere along the way and their efforts would be wasted. She knew she could do what the job required of her -- she had the equipment and the confidence in her expertise as a slicer, and navigating foreign computers was certainly not any reason to doubt her skills. But going into a massive Empire affiliated lab where they were severely outnumbered was a terrifying thought, to put it mildly.

“Maybe we need a speeder… should we have put someone at base on standby…” Jai mumbled to herself to try to keep her anxiety at bay. She continued to mutter both useful and not-so-useful thoughts to keep herself distracted as she fiddled with her scramble key.

From her seat in the cockpit, Jai’s eyes slowly slid across the expanse of the port, studying the hundreds of ships and people thoughtfully, counting each time she spotted a stormtrooper. There weren’t many to be found, though that didn’t mean they weren’t lurking around somewhere; Jai wondered just how many there were at the Santhe lab, and if they were smart enough to sniff out rebels in disguise.

Behind her, the hatch door opened again, Jai turning to sit at an angle so she could lean forward and look at Cassian. The bag that he had thrown over his shoulder prior to leaving the ship was now fuller than it had been before, obviously stuffed with the uniforms he borrowed. As he closed the door behind him, Cassian looked up at Jai briefly while setting the bag down on one of the collapsable seats, beginning to pull out the articles of clothing with that same unreadable expression etched across his face that he’d had the entire flight.

“Come on, we have to be quick.” Cassian started as he held up one of the shirts to see if it was his size or Jai’s. The slicer hopped to her feet and joined him, taking the shirt that he absently held out to her with one hand as his other continued to sort out the clothes, “Most of the staff is only on base for another couple of hours -- it’s better to go in while the place is packed with employees than to wait till later when security is more alert.”

Jai nodded, though she knew Cassian didn’t see it as he shrugged out of his vest, dropping it onto one of the seats. She followed suit, pulling off her jacket and setting it aside, glancing back at Cassian as he started to undo his shirt as well. Jai’s eyes widened some with a tinge of interest -- sure, she had seen a few people strip in front of her in the past, but it was not something treated so casually nor was it something she was all that accustomed to. Cassian didn’t even seem to give it a second thought, and before he could show too much skin Jai turned so her shoulder was toward him, dropping her head down as she too tugged at her own shirt.

As she reached to scoop up the white Santhe shirt off the chair, Jai’s eyes pulled back to Cassian, looking him up and down with a look somewhere between curiosity and sheepishness, her stare lingering on his shoulders and then his lat muscles before they were covered by his new shirt. Feeling her cheeks redden, Jai turned away again before Cassian could notice her stare, picking up her pace.

Cassian, accustomed to being in close quarters with other soldiers, didn’t even consider whether or not Jai herself would be so comfortable with them changing in front of one another, and the thought continued to evade him when he turned back toward her as she was buckling her trousers. He paid almost no mind to the flash of her stomach that he got, only staring at her a moment before grabbing up his blaster and a couple of small tools from his discarded clothes.

Once she was situated in the uniform, Jai climbed back up into the cockpit to grab her tool bag, digging out her datapad and scramble key, knowing that she couldn’t bring the entire bag with her. As she tucked the datapad into the back of her pants, Jai considered what else she might need, stealing another look towards Cassian as if he could read her mind and tell her; the man simply stared back with slight impatience. She decided that she had all she needed, so she dropped her bag with the rest of their belongings and put the scramble key in one of her pockets.

Just before they stepped off of the ship, Cassian grabbed a second blaster and held it out to Jai, whose stare lingered on the weapon for a couple of moments before she slowly took it from his grasp.

“What, no weapons training yet?” He condescended, to which Jai shook her head with a glare, “Can’t shoot and can’t fly…”

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have brought you on this mission, after all.’ Jai was sure Cassian wanted to say.

“And you can’t slice.” She bit back dismissively, breezing past Cassian and out of the ship. He scowled at the back of Jai’s head for a moment before following her out and leading the way through the port.

Cassian’s contact left an indiscript speeder for them to get up to the lab, but nothing else beyond that -- once they got to that front gate, the rest was up to them.

It was simple enough for Jai to bypass the security gate without an access card, and once through the gate they could walk into Santhe Labs without any trouble. Once inside, however, they had to figure out where they were going, seeing as there wasn’t exactly a map of the place just sitting around for them -- Cassian hadn’t prepared for someone to take K-2SO’s place, as the droid was supposed to lead the way through the lab.

“What, you didn’t think to try to get floor plans before coming here?” Jai reprimanded through her teeth, hoping to avoid drawing any attention as they passed Santhe employees; so far, no one seemed to bat an eye at them.

“You didn’t think to either.” Cassian retorted.

“You’d lead a woman to think this was your first mission…” The pair turned their dark eyes on one another at the exact same moment, glowering.

“Up until a few hours ago I thought I’d have Kay with me to navigate the building.”

Jai hummed in annoyance while looking away from him, quickly stepping into a hall just as they nearly passed it. Cassian had to turn on his heel to follow her, the two ducking into an empty part of the hallway so Jai could snatch her datapad from where it was tucked in her waistband. She started tapping on it a little too roughly, an obvious passive aggressive gesture as she glanced up at Cassian while she did so. He quirked a challenging brow at Jai before she turned back to her screen, Cassian looking up and down the hall to ensure they continued to remain inconspicuous.

Eventually, Jai began leading the way through the halls again, her expression resolute as she avoided sparing Cassian a glance. The two went and boarded a turbolift that they fortunately had all to themselves. Cassian had expected another long stretch of rigid silence, but as soon as the doors were closed Jai began speaking, continuing to avoid looking toward him.

“Once we’re in the archives, I need you to do exactly what I ask, or else this won’t work.” Her tone was hawkish, unexpectedly stern and authoritative, “I’ll make sure we get the data, you make sure we get out of here in one piece.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

They weren’t going to get out of here in one piece.

Jai got all of the information they needed, and Cassian had been the perfect distraction just like she asked him to be. They strolled on out of the building without any issues and climbed back into their borrowed speeder, ready to head back to Yavin 4 with their new data and their confidence well intact.

But then they passed through the gates to exit Santhe Labs, and trouble was there waiting for them.

They found themselves confronted by a wall of stormtroopers, all ready to start shooting if the pair didn’t surrender whatever it was that they stole. One of the troopers in the center of the group began to lower his weapon while stepping forward, instructing the rebels to give up their stolen information and surrender. Jai’s eyes widened with worry as she looked back towards Cassian, but the captain looked calm and resolute as he took a few deep breaths through his nose, staring unblinkingly at the Empire troop as the leader began to repeat himself.

Jai wasn’t prepared for just how quickly Cassian sprung into action. He threw his hand on the back of her head and shoved it down to rest atop her knees, slouching down in his own seat as he suddenly sped through the blockade in front of them, roughly knocking down a number of stormtroopers as the rest jumped away from the speeding vehicle.

Almost instantly, blasters started shooting off from what sounded like every direction, ricocheting off of the metal and shattering the thin glass panel that lined the front of the speeder’s cockpit. Jai threw her hands out to either side of her in search of a secure grip, her right latching onto the inner wall of the speeder and the other clamping down on Cassian’s knee. If it weren’t for his state of complete focus, Cassian would have shouted at Jai for digging her nails so deep that she managed to break skin even through the layer of fabric.

After they were out of range of the shots, at least for the time being, Cassian pulled his hand out of Jai’s hair and retrieved his blaster from where it was tucked under his shirt, dropping it into his lap so he could use both hands to maneuver their speeder through the narrow streets of of Juspus. Jai’s head shot back up, eyes wide and jaw slightly agape as she whipped around to look back at the Empire forces they just evaded. She relinquished her grip on both the wall and on Cassian’s thigh as she propped herself on her knees and fumbled to grab her own blaster.

“Did you set off some kind of security in there!?” Cassian accused as he sped past buildings, knowing that any moment now stormtroopers, likely with their own varieties of speeders, would catch up to them.

Jai’s glare jumped toward him, “It was probably your fucking contact that sold us out!”

A barrage of shots sounded behind from down the street, but Cassian managed to whip around a corner and avoid most of them. He steadied out the speeder again as his eyes darted around, trying to spot everywhere the stormtroopers might be waiting for them.

He didn’t have the patience to argue, not right now -- he had to get them back to their ship and off of this planet before it was too late, “Here’s your crash course in using that damned thing!” He spared a glance at Jai so he could point toward her blaster with his chin, “Put that thing on kill setting and don’t hesitate!”

Jai looked warily at the gun in her hands, staring almost dumbly at it for a moment. Another laser flew between them, causing Jai to jump before securing her grip and lifting the blaster up to eye level. She turned in her seat to face behind them, eyes widening as she saw the squad of stormtroopers on their tail and closing in.

“Keep low so you’re a smaller target!” Cassian instructed, “And hold on!”

Jai barely had time to steady herself before Cassian sharply rounded another corner. She sank as low in the seat as she could, her arms resting along the back of the speeder and her eyes level with the weapon. As the stormtroopers rounded the corner behind them, Jai’s finger pressed down on the trigger and she let out a short string of blasts, only managing to land a couple with how unsteady and untrained her aim was. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cassian also take up his blaster, holding it ready to assist her. Every few seconds, Cassian would whip his head back long enough to vaguely line up his shot and pull the trigger a couple of times before returning his attention to the road ahead of them.

Eventually, they made another dramatic sharp turn, but before they could even make sense of the company of stormtroopers waiting there for them, the speeder was hit with a blast, perhaps from a grenade, and the vehicle went flying back as the engine exploded, dumping both passengers out onto the street. The speeder crashed roughly into a nearby wall as thick smoke, dust, and debris filled the air and blinded everyone.

Jai could hear a ringing in her ears as she immediately made to scramble out of the line of fire -- she may not have been a rebel for long, but back on the Ring of Kafrene, she’d been accidentally caught up in her fair share of street fights through the years. Growing up, one learned early on that you had to be quick to run whenever you started hearing shots and blasts echoing through the narrow Kafrene streets.

As Jai flung herself into an alleyway, fumbling with both her blaster and her datapad to ensure she didn’t drop either, the dust from their crash began to settle; she could see that Cassian had the same idea as her, as he had rushed to duck into the alley on the opposite side of the street from her.

For a long moment, none of the stormtroopers moved, and Cassian’s distressed eyes finally spotted Jai across the way from him. The relief that washed over him was immediately obvious -- for a minute there, he was almost sure that something terrible had happened to the rookie. The two stared wide eyed at one another, each breathing rapidly and listening carefully for when the stormtroopers would surely start moving and shooting again any moment now.

Cassian motioned up the street with his head, trying to keep their communication silent. ‘Go,’ he mouthed, Jai’s brows turning down slightly at it. A moment later, Cassian turned on his heels and began running through the alley; Jai immediately jumped to her feet and mirrored him, turning away from the Empire forces and pushing as hard as her legs would allow through the roads and pathways of Juspus.

She had to get back to Cassian. She had to get back to their ship.

Jai could hear the stormtroopers on the move not far behind her, and frantically Jai pumped her legs even harder. Jai dove through a number of short, twisting streets and alleys until she burst out onto a crowded road, whipping her head left and right in panic. She couldn’t spot Cassian or stormtroopers, nor could she hear those Empire soldiers that were pursuing her over the noise of the crowd. Jai realized that the building across from her was a large market, and without a second of hesitation, she darted towards it, hoping the cramped crowd would hide her. As she maneuvered through the Juspus locals and eyed the stalls filled with goods and food, Jai reminisced for a split second that the place reminded her of home.

Jai kept her head ducked down as she slowed her pace and mingled in with the crowd, her eyes searching the various shops for any that looked to have clothes as part of the merchandise -- she knew that she needed to get out of this Santhe uniform if she wanted to blend in and evade the stormtroopers hot on her trail.

‘Don’t fuck up now.’ Jai tried to pep herself up -- she needed to rely on her not-so-impressive thieving skills for this one. She finally spotted a tent stall with various fabrics and articles of clothing and began pushing through the crowd towards it, slinking up alongside the thin fabric wall to avoid the attention of the shopkeep.

Once the owner became distracted with a young couple at the entrance of the stall, Jai reached between the sheets that closed it off on the sides and grabbed at whatever fabric she could get her hands on, not paying much mind to what articles of clothing they even were. She grabbed far more than she needed and quickly dove back into the crowd, eyes searching up and down, left and right for any sign of stormtroopers. Despite the harsh noise of the crowd, Jai was almost sure that she could hear them somewhere around her, but she couldn’t see over the heads of everyone around her. She continued to shove her way forward, spotting another gap between two stalls and making her way towards it, ducking between them and beginning to sift through the variety of fabrics in her arms.

Luckily, there were a couple of shirts amidst the mass of clothing, both of which would surely look more like short kaftans on Jai based on their size. But that issue wasn’t even remotely on her mind as she dragged a dark colored one over her head. There were mostly scarves in the collection that she stole, and speedily she wrapped one around herself and tied it off to create a makeshift pouch for her gun and datapad, and then grabbed another scarf and started wrapping it’s layers around her head, making sure to tuck all of her ashy hair up inside it.

Jai began to relax, if only just a little. She took a few long moments to try to slow down her breathing and her heart rate, but she knew she had to get back out there quickly -- she was terrified to think of what trouble Cassian might be in right now, she had to get back to the ship and hope he managed to get back as well.

Slowly, but no less cautiously, Jai stepped back into the main stretch of the marketplace, looking around herself again for the stormtroopers. A large group of them was in the crowd behind her, and another few were up ahead near another exit, obviously scanning their eyes over the crowd carefully. Jai’s eyes widened slightly as she looked around herself, but couldn’t spot any other exit; had the stormtroopers gotten a good enough look at her face to recognize her if she walked past? She had to get out of this market, meaning she had to risk it and hope for the best.

Jai waited until a sizable mass of people were making for the exit, and she jumped into the middle of them, keeping her head turned down and praying she didn’t draw any kind of attention to herself.

Once she was outside, she breathed a heavy sigh of relief -- they hadn’t noticed her. Jai continued down the street as if she had somewhere important to be and knew exactly where she was going, her eyes remaining ever watchful as she went. Stormtroopers were still going up and down the roads in search of both she and Cassian, and Jai took every step she could to avoid getting too close to any of them.

Where the hell was she? Jai got turned around far too easily in the mass that was Juspus. She looked over the nearby faces on the street around her, carefully studying them to determine who might be safe to ask for directions, if anyone. She continued to hope that any moment now she’d see Cassian’s face appear amongst the crowds.

Eventually, an older gentleman had her turned in the right direction. Jai used as many alleys and side streets as she could so that she wouldn't draw attention to herself when she ran, and whenever she set foot onto a larger road, she abruptly slowed and walked at pace with the pedestrians around her.

Still no sign of Cassian. Despite feeling as if she had safely evaded the stormtroopers, anxiety still pounded in Jai’s chest, worry for her partner increasing with each passing minute.

‘He’s fine, he’s been doing this for two decades.’

‘But he’s all on his own and at an obvious disadvantage.’

‘But you’re alone and you managed just fine.’

‘What if there were more troops that went after him?’

‘He’s probably already back at the ship and waiting for you.’

‘Or he’s already off planet and left you for dead.’

The debate in Jai’s head seemed to grow louder and louder as she got closer to the starport, which she could now see in the distance out ahead of her. She paused and took another long, cautious look around, scanning the streets in every direction to collect a count on the stormtroopers. As she continued to approach the port, she realized a large blockage was waiting near the wide entryway -- had Cassian’s ship been identified? Were more stormtroopers up in the U-Wing and digging through all of their belongings?

Jai took a deep breath and ducked into another alleyway, pulling her datapad out of the makeshift purse and then her scramble key from her pocket, connecting the two so her datapad would work faster. She had to see if there was a second entrance or some other way of getting in.

She still had to find Cassian.

There was a north side entry into the starport. She just had to find her way to it. Did she retreat back into the hub of the city in search of her partner, or did she get herself to the U-Wing and wait for him if he wasn’t already there?

Jai peered back out into the street again as she tried to come to a decision, first looking toward the port, and then in the opposite direction. But she froze as her gaze fell on a familiar face, a sinking feeling dropping in her stomach as her eyes widened.

Cassian.

But he wasn’t alone. A stormtrooper walked on either side of him, escorting the frustrated looking captain in the direction of the starport. Were they going to search the ship? Maybe they were going to escort him off the planet and to somewhere else far worse?

It didn’t matter what they were going to do -- what mattered was that her partner was grabbed, and Jai had to do something about it.

She traded her datapad for her blaster -- there was still a significant distance between them and the port entrances. If Jai could shoot them both down, she and Cassian would have more than enough time to run and make their way to the north entrance while the stormtroopers far down the road chased after them again.

She paused, taking a few steady breaths. Now or never. If they got any closer, the two stormtroopers would spot Jai’s attack and she’d lose the element of surprise.

Jai moved to press her back against the opposite wall, just shy of peeking around the corner. She turned her head slowly and watched the trio for a long moment before raising her blaster, trying to line up her shot.

When she pulled the trigger, the laser missed its target, zooming between Cassian and one of the stormtroopers, barely missing her partner’s head by a few inches. As both troopers immediately looked in Jai’s direction and aimed their own blasters, Cassian took advantage of their distraction, immediately fighting one for his weapon. As the two struggled with the blaster, Cassian secured his hand on the trigger and shot at the second stormtroopers, who collapsed just as he had turned to help fight Cassian. As the first trooper fell, Jai darted out toward her partner, but she kept her weapon lowered, realizing it was far too risky to try to shoot the second stormtrooper with Cassian so close.

The rebel captain managed to finally steal away the blaster and jump back, and practically in sync he and Jai took aim and both shot the trooper. They stood frozen for a moment as they met each other’s gaze, each with a look of relief shining in their eyes as they caught their breath. But they knew they couldn’t linger, and Jai moved towards Cassian with an insistent look.

“Come on.” She latched onto Cassian’s sleeve and started tugging him away into a sidestreet, knowing that the stormtroopers down at the starport entrance had surely seen their fight and would have already begun pursuing them.

Cassian allowed himself to be dragged along for a few moments almost as if he were in a daze before he stole back his arm, both surprised and gratified at how well Jai had done. As Cassian followed behind her through the streets, he stared at the back of her head with pride.

“There’s a second entrance,” Jai began to explain as she paused in a narrow alleyway, Cassian nearly bumping into her with how close he was following. She spun around to meet his eyes, a surprising calm surrounding the two of them, “I think we’ll have a better chance slipping in that way.”

Cassian looked Jai up and down, tilting his head as he finally had the opportunity to take in her change of attire and recognize how smart it was. His eyes shined with a quiet acclaim at her efforts that Jai didn’t quite recognize -- her childhood on Kafrene had taught her something valuable, it would seem.

“Lead the way.” Cassian said with a nod as he, too, decided to shrug off what he could of the Santhe uniform, discarding the formal shirt and being left with just his dark tank top as coverage; for a moment, as Jai eyed his exposed collarbone, she wished she had saved that other tunic for him. But this was better than the obvious, stark white uniform, and after meeting his eyes one more time, Jai motioned with her head for Cassian to follow, and she started leading them through Juspus once more.

Maybe they would be getting out of here in one piece after all.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Captain Andor, Tillian was not cleared to go on this mission, nor has she been cleared access to leave base for field training yet.” General Draven chastised with severe crossness. Across from him, Cassian and Jai stood side by side, disheveled and covered in dirt, clothing worn and ripped. They’d been back to Yavin 4 for less than ten minutes when the General marched up to them as they were on their way to the turbolift; it appeared that Draven was waiting for them, well prepared to chew them out and make Jai wish she could just shrink away from him and completely disappear.

Despite the nervous drumming in her chest, Jai’s eyes were fixed into the slightest of glares as she watched the General unblinkingly, but the man refused to look at her, his own harsh eyes trained solely on Cassian. Jai kept her lips tightly shut, fearing to even try to speak up to the man; beside her, Cassian stood tall and sure. If he was upset, he kept it well in control, though the fire in his stare gave away the intensity that was just waiting to burst at the seams as he stared back at his commander.

“I asked her to go, and she agreed.” Cassian replied simply, his tone solid and without apology; he knew the fault for the decision fell on him, and he was ready to stand by it.

“You can’t bring a rookie out without consulting me first.” Draven argued just as firmly, taking a step closer to the pair.

Challenge seemed to cross Cassian’s eyes, but he continued to keep himself unapologetically composed, “But I brought a rookie, and she performed beyond my expectations.”

Jai turned her head to look up at her partner, curiosity daring to pull at her expression -- unless she didn’t know any better, that very nearly sounded like a compliment.

“Tillian is a talented slicer,” Cassian continued just as Draven looked like he was ready to argue again, “This job wouldn’t have happened without her… She’s a valuable asset in the field.”

Jai nearly couldn’t believe Cassian was defending her, especially to General Draven. After all, the mission almost ended terribly, and Jai would have expected Cassian to attribute that near failure to her inexperience. But no, instead he stood here unwavering in front of Draven who was less than happy about Cassian’s last minute and risky decision to bring her along. Despite all of the flukes they encountered, Cassian still recognized just how hard Jai had worked on the mission, how hard she pushed to get them off of Dennaskar safely.

General Draven stared harshly at Cassian a few moments longer before his eyes finally flicked down to Jai, who took a sharp breath through her nose as her eyes met his. He only looked at her for a brief yet jarring moment before returning his glare to Cassian one last time. The General stepped back from them, starting to turn away.

“We’ll finish this later; go get yourselves cleaned up.” Without another word, he retreated back toward the turbolifts. As Cassian and Jai stood for a few long moments, she finally noticed that a few other rebels nearby in the hangar had been watching the confrontation curiously, some of whom immediately went back to work as Draven left, others continuing to eye the duo.

At nearly the same moment, Jai and Cassian turned their heads to meet one another��s eyes, silently staring for a few drawn out beats. They could see how exhausted the other was, but they could also see each other’s relief and the pride they felt for getting out of Denneskar alive and with their job complete.

Jai pressed her lips together firmly for a moment before her shoulders relaxed, “… Thanks.”

Cassian’s brows moved up slightly in question, “For what, getting you on Draven’s bad side?”

Jai nearly smiled at that, “For bringing me along even if you didn’t want to.” She pointed to where Draven had stood in front of them just a minute prior, “And for that.”

Cassian shook his head, “Thank you for not making me regret the decision.”

He began toward the turbolift, the look on his face like a silent request for Jai to come with him. Cassian chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought.

“… You did a good job,” He said, though he still wanted to avoid sounding too complimentary, “You’re still a shit shot, but you showed real smarts dealing with those troopers.”

Jai rolled her eyes, but this time she did so with a slight smirk pulling at her lips, the gesture one of amusement rather than her usual annoyance at him. The pair stepped into the turbolift to begin the ascend to the barracks; as the doors closed, Jai allowed herself to slump tiredly against the wall, slowly starting to unravel the scarf that was still loosely hanging around her head and neck. Once it was removed, Jai stared down at the scarf in her hands thoughtfully for a few moments, and for the first time it seemed as if the silence between them was actually comfortable.

Jai sighed deeply, “I think they’re gonna stick me on desk duty again.”

“Probably.”

“Maybe I can convince Gar to let me work the repair shop until Draven let’s me go out into the field.” She looked back up at Cassian, who, too, was leaning against the wall, his eyes staring ahead of him thoughtfully, “I could keep an eye on Kay, make sure no one fucks up his programming.”

At that, Cassian smiled lazily, looking back up to meet Jai’s eyes with a nearly teasing look, “Who’s to say you won’t be the one to fuck it up?”

Jai’s jaw dropped in a look of mock offense, her eyes shiny with surprised amusement -- Cassian just cracked a joke with her. The man continued to smirk smally at her, waiting for the inevitable comeback.

“If you keep giving me attitude I will.” She countered, shaking her head with mirth as the doors opened again, and the two stepped out, walking to the barracks entrance in companionable silence.

It didn’t matter that they’d surely get their asses handed to them by their superiors once Draven called them back for a debriefing -- they’d collected the information, they got off of Dannaskar unharmed, and they seemed to have finally moved on from their petty disdain for one another. At least for a little while longer, they could feel calm and content.

Cassian wouldn’t admit it out loud, but in that moment, the two of them walking together, covered in the grime from a mission that nearly went to hell, he saw a future rebel beside him, someone that he could, perhaps one day, come to trust.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Agreement [uh-gree-muhnt]

noun

the act of agreeing or of coming to a mutual arrangement/understanding

the state of being in accord

#cassian andor #cassian andor x original character #cassian andor x oc #cassian andor x reader #diego luna #rogue one #star wars #star wars fic #rogue one fic #rogue one fanfiction #ca #fics #fics*#saudade #will the tags work??? if they dont we riot

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mobius-prime · 5 years ago

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260. Sonic the Hedgehog #191

Metal and Mettle (Part 1)

Writer: Ian Flynn Pencils: Tracy Yardley! Colors: Josh Ray

A few days after Scourge and the Suppression Squad have taken control of Freedom HQ, Miles alerts Scourge to an interesting and unexpected visitor - namely, Metal Sonic, through whom Eggman is speaking and watching.

Yeah, don't underestimate a fellow evildoer, Scourge. Meanwhile in New Mobotropolis, Sonic and Knuckles stand before the Council of Acorn to try to get permission to take the base back. Unfortunately for them, the council votes four to two to leave it for the time being, as they don't see Scourge as that big of a threat, and want to focus on taking New Megaopolis from Eggman before going after smaller holdings. Sonic, of course, does not take this well, and tries to talk to Knuckles about it once they exit the building.

Oh, Knuckles. You have to stop angsting about this, my dude. Sonic leaves the city on his own, musing as he races back to Freedom HQ about how despite their recent successes in battle, and many gains against Eggman and his forces, he can't help a strange feeling that overall they're losing ground. He hopes that kicking Scourge out of the base will cheer him up, but is brought up short by the sight of Scourge and Metal Sonic battling it out on the grass outside. Miles stands nearby watching, and not-so-subtly tests Scourge's leadership by asking if he wants help against Metal, as surely the others helping him would only be an insult since he conquered his planet on his own. Sonic, uninterested in any of the politics, merely barrels in to help, offering Scourge a truce to take Metal out, but Scourge angrily refuses, and both he and Metal turn on Sonic to attack. Meanwhile, Julie-Su finds Knuckles brooding on a bench in the park, and when she presses to know what's bothering him he snaps, yelling that he can't trust himself or anyone else, as no matter what he does, someone always ends up hurt, and he can't bear to face the few remaining members of his family. Julie-Su reaches for him, looking at first like she's going to comfort him, but then…

I mean, all things considered, Julie-Su, you make a fantastic point. Your family's loss has been largely glossed over until now - I don't think she was even given a single panel before now to mourn the deaths of her foster parents, despite how delighted she was to rediscover them before - and as you point out, it's not like Knuckles is suffering alone. Back at Freedom HQ, the fight continues, with Eggman telling Metal to hang in there as he's putting the "finishing touches" on some backup. Sonic and Scourge briefly wind up fighting each other without Metal's interference, during which Sonic criticizes Scourge for taking his advice to better himself to a brutal, negative extreme. Scourge merely mocks Sonic's restraint, pointing out how much more powerful he is as a king than as a hero.

Ooh, dramatic parallels to their prior talk! I love it! Metal interrupts before Sonic can respond, and as the fight continues once more we move this time to Angel Island, where Knuckles is having a talk with Archimedes while Charmy sits nearby.

So something that needs to be pointed out is that inexplicably, this is Archimedes' last appearance in the comic, ever. Unlike all the other characters who have disappeared from the comic, there's no reason given - no genocide, no dimensional portal to swallow him up, no deaths or sudden decisions to leave and find himself on another continent, nothing. He just… never shows up again. It's disappointing, as y'all know how much I like Archimedes, but again I really do think this stems from Ian's weird, irritating habit of erasing a lot of Kenders' contributions to this world. I know that he's trying to make the comic's world more like the games, and that in the games, Knuckles is the last echidna and isn't embroiled in all these politics, but dammit, there's nothing wrong with comic Knuckles being so different from game Knuckles! Personality-wise, he's still similar, still recognizable, it's just his circumstances that are different. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be blaming Ian for all of this - for all I know, Sega themselves ordered him to get rid of all of this stuff. I dunno, man, I'm just some random fan with a blog. Speaking of controversial decisions by Ian, though, it's nice to see him doing his best to treat Charmy's brain damage with respect here. He certainly acts more childlike than he once did, but he's doing his best, and isn't a punchline, still actively participating in missions and helping Knuckles sort his own problems out.

Anyway, Knuckles, encouraged by his mentor's words, uses his warp ring to head back to the city, where he and Julie-Su give a curt apology to each other with an agreement to sort things out more fully later, when he's had more time to work through his emotional distress. They consider heading to Freedom HQ to help Sonic, but Knuckles believes that Sonic can most likely handle the situation on his own. Of course, we know better - Sonic might be able to take on Scourge or Metal individually, but both at once is a real challenge. He kicks Metal aside, only to be startled by the sight of another robot coming to join the fray - a robot that looks exactly like Scourge. Wow, Eggman, you really didn't waste any time on that one, huh? How many Metal Sonics do you think he has lying around in his base just ready for a paint job and a new assignment?

Though there's another story in this issue, we won't be covering it. Why? Well, it's the first real installment of "In Another Time, In Another Place"! I've mentioned it before, but it's basically what Ian decided to do when it was clear he couldn't keep putting in half-adaptions of random games anymore, but still needed to do tie-ins for newly-released games. With the pattern we've been taking with these tie-ins lately, you'd think this one would be for Sonic '06, but nope! For whatever reason, Sonic '06 goes completely unacknowledged within the comic verse (at least for now), with the sole exception of Shadow joining up with GUN. However, as I've mentioned before, Ian did state somewhere along the way that Sonic '06 did in fact happen somewhere during the course of the comic's plotline - it's just that due to the very nature of the game's story, the events of the plot are entirely reset and erased from the timeline at the end, meaning an adaption doesn't even have to take place, as technically, even though those events did happen, they also… didn't.

But all that aside, the tie-in in today's issue is actually for the little-remembered DS title, Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood, which was an RPG developed by Bioware of all companies (and yes, they did include one of their trademark Bioware romance sidequests, though it's probably of little interest to anyone who doesn't ship Sonamy). While again, we're not covering it due to it being non-canon, it's an important thing to note regardless. For one, these In Another Time, In Another Place installments became pretty commonplace throughout the comic as new games were released, but perhaps more importantly, this was the game that apparently really got under Kenders' skin. The problem is that after all he'd done to develop the world of the echidnas and all the political and military factions thereof, this game's plot ended up heavily centering around a band of echidnas in dark armor emerging from a parallel dimension where time moves more slowly, with an intent to take the Master Emerald and use it to cement their place of power in the real world once more, though one female echidna realizes the error of her people's ways and abandons her army to side with Knuckles against her megalomaniacal and powerful male leader. Gee, sound familiar? While I don't believe that Bioware or Sega actually copied Kenders' ideas outright - the way I've described it makes it sound similar, but there's a ton of differences in the plot and presentation that definitely indicate they're two different ideas by different people - Kenders certainly seems to think it's a rip-off, and this was from what I understand at the core of all his problems with Sega that led to his eventual lawsuit that forced the reboot of the comic. It sucks, too, because even aside from losing all the years of history in the preboot, the plot of Sonic Chronicles was actually quite fascinating and it ended on a cliffhanger, which will never, ever be resolved because Sega doesn't even want to touch that can of worms after everything that happened. I think the game has actually been quietly stricken from canon, too, because the cliffhanger literally involved Eggman having taken over the world while everyone was away, and there's just no way to solve something like that offscreen. Just a bad time all around, folks. As they say in the fandom - thanks, Ken Penders. Still, though, we have quite a ways to go before we hit the preboot's end, so let's forget about the negative stuff and keep trucking on.

#nala reads archie sonic preboot #archie sonic #archie sonic preboot #sonic the hedgehog #sth 191 #writer: ian flynn #pencils: tracy yardley #colors: joshua d ray

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sierratheory · 5 years ago

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“Like i don't trust sierra bc of the time she came into Luke's life...” that entire ask but vice-versa too!!! people have said sierra dated dylan from flor and now her old roommate karsen too? as with luke, where was her time being single and figuring herself out before jumping into a new relationship? the twitter likes reminded me of how luke & sierra only see “jealousy” and “misogyny” as a h8ters only reason, which isn’t true 😔

Part 2 It's like they're still letting the other person know they're wrong but the difference is that it doesn't hit them. Why does it cause an overly emotional response and a giant need to prove they are wrong? it's a truth the person has been avoiding/ignoring. Luke or any person don't see the truth, they really don't even though deep down they know it is true (this is why emotional abuse is so dangerous and the victim "can't just leave")

Part 3 and that's why getting defensive and simply defending yourself are two different things. I'd like to point what that anon said about Luke's likes missing the point of what was said and this anon called him a 'dumb asshole' (lol) because he's missing the point. Well he may not realise it but he's missing the point "on purpose" his brain is making him miss the point in order to keep the fantasy that the points that were made aren't factual and are actually offensive (sexism)

Part 4 I swear I could write a book explaining every little behaviour he's adopting but what I really want to point out is that I understand everyone's frustration and regardless of what he's going through, Luke should be held responsible for his actions but we can and should emphasize because he's not fine. I'm saying this because he is following a very worrying pattern and even though Arzaylea was a much worse person than Sierra is,

Part 5, Luke is currently in a worse situation MENTALLY and I know this may cause some confusion and I can explain with more details why I'm saying this but it doesn't necessarily have to do with Sierra. I'm not saying she's not toxic. I do believe she's toxic but she's not nearly as toxic as Arzaylea. The difference is the timing. If Luke had dated Sierra first and Arzaylea later things would be much much worse.

Part 6 Luke was in a very vulnerable place, he was really hurt and he got a taste of what a mentally stable, caring, loving partner is like in Sierra. And I'm not saying these are traits that Sierra has or not. But when you get out of a toxic relationship, when you're at your worst a little love, or sense of love can feel like the best thing in a world. Basically it's an "issue" with the rewarding system in your brain. Very typical in people who go through this kind of situations

Part 7 that's why it is recommended to see a therapist or stay away from relationship because this rewarding system can fix itself and go back to normal or you might need some help. It all depends on how you deal with the situation. Some people get over traumatic experiences quickly and some need time and help. Anyway to keep it simple and short: Luke knew for sure (based on my little knowledge and his behaviour) that Arzaylea wasn't good to him but he was in love and he was making excuses to

Part 8 believe she loved him back (maybe she did love him back but had mental issues, drug addiction, I don't know, I can't judge) but he didn't have the time to heal. He's aware of his past relationship being toxic but I don't think he's aware of the effects it had on his mental health. He shows severe signs of being someone who still carries some luggage. Let me explain, I'm sure he's aware of how awful Arzaylea was and that he did him wrong and he deserves better.

Part 9 but for example, if arzaylea told him constantly that he didn't defend her enough, if she guilt trapped him because of it, if she threatened to leave him or blamed him for her mental issues/breakdowns he's most likely still carrying it with him and that's one of the reasons why he's desperately trying to make it right with this one relationship. It's something that's internalised. So yes maybe Sierra doesn't do much wrong compared to Arzaylea and actually maybe Sierra is like

Part 10 'dang I hate this thing someone said' but that's enough for Luke's brain to make a click, bring back the memories, the trauma and go into overdrive. This is an example but can be used to explain why Luke's trying so hard with Sierra compared to Arzaylea. Another thing that makes this relationship "worse" imo is that Luke's perception of reality wasn't accurate when he started his relationship with Sierra because of Arzaylea and now that little bit of love he feels like he receives is

Part 11 just wow and to him it is what real love feels like this is why your sense of personal worth should never depend on somebody else. And now he strongly believe that despite everything that goes wrong in his relationship, that little 1 thing that's going well is more than enough. he's never had that much so his fighting to keep it because it is sad but it's the most loved he's ever felt and he doesn't see why he could deserve more or how it could get better because to him, thats everything

Wheew, this was a trip to put together. You really did write me a book here, anon. But I completely understand what you’re trying to say. I come from a really abusive family, and even now I have issues where I’ll ask my bf if he’s mad at me and he’s like “you didn’t do anything, why would I be mad at you??!” Becuase I’ve been trained to think I’ve done something wrong if someone’s behaviour changes. And while I agree with most everything you said, I don’t think Sierra is unaware of Luke vulnerability due to the Larzaylea fuck show. That being said, I’m not sure if Sierra dated anyone between Alex and Luke. I don’t believe the roommate story, and none of the other mods do either. There’s no evidence behind it. I don’t know who the other guy is so I can’t speak to that. But she did have a lot more time between her and Alex’s breakup and her and Luke’s relationship beginning. Keep in kind she was still touring with Alex after they broke up, and that could have stunted any healing, but I truly can’t say. Time doesn’t always heal everything. And again I can’t speak to that break up, but I think it says a lot that she went on to drag his name during an interview after. As we’ve seen recently with Selena Gomez, she said she always kept quiet about her personal life out of respect. She wouldn’t even air out dirty laundry in her songs, and eventually she decided that her story was worth being told and she didn’t need to stay silent to protect those who hurt her. But she didn’t give an interview painting herself as an angel and throwing exes under the bus. And I think it says a lot that Sierra immediately went to the media, and even since that Alex has stayed mum on the subject.

I agree with the psychological damage points, and that Luke is likely overcompensating, if the relationship is real. Which in all honesty I’m leaning more towards as time goes on, but I’m still convinced even if they do like/love/whatever each other, modest! has some heavy handed access/control over it. And that could be perhaps to avoid a repeat of the Larzaylea mess, maybe they made Sierra sign a NDA, but I digress. Luke may also be convinced that because he didn’t defend Arzaylea, fans thought he didn’t care about her or was a bad boyfriend. It could have very easily been Arzaylea saying “hey you don’t defend me so you don’t love me, or fans see it as you don’t think I’m important enough to defend” etc. I don’t think Sierra is necessarily a bad person, while I’m entirely convinced Arzaylea was a shit-tier human being.

That being said, I do think she’s very aware that she is manipulating Luke, and taking advantage of the psychological damage Arzaylea did. I think that damage also makes him easier to manipulate or control and let me explain why.

TW - ALCOHOLISM, SUICIDE, VERBAL & PHYSICAL ABUSE

My dad was an alcoholic, and he committed suicide when I was very young. Because my mum left him, because he was becoming more abusive. Unfortunately instead of being the wake up call she wanted it to be, he shot himself and left her a note that said “I hope you got what you wanted”. Now, needless to say, this fucked my mum up really bad. She has never recovered. She has thrown all her emotions into a box, she is very clinical and doesn’t let her emotions control her. Which can be good sometimes but she’s very distant and cold. That being said, my mum married my step dad about 6 years after my bio dad passed away. She was not healed, let me tell you. She never sought counselling and is not on any sort of medication. My step dad was like the perfect man, before they got married, he cooked, he cleaned, and he was okay with the fact she had two young kids, one in elementary school and one just starting high school. But after they got married and he had control, oh everything changed. He isolated her from all of her friends and even her family. He was and still is verbally abusive and on occasion he can be physically abusive, but it’s rare. To her and all of his kids, including my sister and I. If he doesn’t get his way he throws a tantrum, calls everyone awful names and says awful things. He needs to control everything. While I love my step dad because he helped raise me, he is a controlling abusive person. And while he has a lot of psychological damage himself I’m not going to get into that, but know that he has a kind heart, and he does love my mother and he would die for her. But when he loses his temper he says horrible things. And he knows about the abuse my mum suffered at the hands of my bio dad, and how she has never healed. My bio dad told my mum she couldn’t cook, and if she ever left him he’d get the kids even though he was a raging alcoholic, couldn’t hold down a job AND she was doing all the child care on top of a full time job. Like she had the daycare ladies prepared to call 911 if we didn’t show up at daycare when she was out of town for work, but I’m off track here. The point I’m trying to get to is my step dad would abuse my mum, and use things my bio dad did or said to her, to hurt her more. An example of this is, if my mum tried to walk away during one of my step dads yelling fits, he would say “yeah, walk away just like you did with [my bio dad’s name]”. Because he knows she blames herself for leaving him, and she thinks his death was her fault. My step dad knows my mum will never leave him, because of what my bio dad did when she left. He could burn their house down around them and she wouldn’t leave.

With that story I would like to say, please don’t judge my mum or either of my dads. You don’t know the whole story and I don’t want to share all of it. I’m using it as an example because I know it well.

The point in trying to make here, is one it’s very VERY common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another. Because abusers can recognize the signs of a victim, and those who were abused, when treated with even a small amount of love, or kindness often see it as a very big deal. They tend to think they are worthless or don’t deserve it, as they’ve been told many times over. Two, believe it or not, being abused before can make people more susceptible to being abused again. This is because of the reasons mentioned above, they think they are worthless, or are wooed by very small acts, or both. And three, that the new partner can and often will use personal things about the abuse they suffered from someone else, to control or hurt their partner more, becuase they know it’s already a deep seated pain. And while I’m not saying Sierra is for sure 100% doing this, it is very easily a possibility and she could be doing some of it without knowing. Just because a year, or 5 or 10 have gone by doesn’t mean the person has healed, and sometimes new partners open old wounds. This has been a whole TEDtalk sorry y’all. Also disclaimer if anyone comes into the ask box saying rude things about my family it will be deleted and you will be blocked.

#red replies #ask #anon #i need you guys to know this took me over an hour to put together and write my reply to

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janiedean · 6 years ago

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So Cercei assumes shes intelligent and everyone says she is but really is the dumb dumb of the lot (needs a dunce hat instead of that crown). Tyrion has been told he is smart, knows he is intelligent and it is known. Poor Jaime is told hes dumb and he think he is dumb but is really actually quite intelligent and wise. Its not that hard to work out guiz.

pretty much even if ngl... ah well fuck that, let’s just go off on this since I’ve had it nagging at me since a lot and I’m pissed off, so.

point the first: I really hate this general idea that you can decide if someone’s intelligent or not just based on the same three usual characteristics - like, there’s different types of intelligence (that’s pretty much the basic theory going around but there’s more or less if you go by different ones, but nvm that), someone can be emotionally intelligent and not being immediately good at math or have book smarts, or they can be a genius when it comes to book smarts and be a total no when it comes to emotional intelligence and whatnot, so like.... the argument in itself is already flawed imvho

point the second: the fact that *books* smarts are seeing as 90% of what intelligent means is imvho a thing that should have burned years ago because it gives way to the implications for which if you have issues reading or can’t do it at once or don’t immediately understand what you read and so on you’re stupid/dumb/whatnot which in this case was brought up tenfold with the fact that they made show!jaime dyslexic but that’s gonna be discussed in a moment

now, of course the *book* smarts are a type of intelligence like guys ffs you’re talking - full disclosure - to someone who could related out of those three to both jaime and tyrion even if I don’t have their specific issues. as in: I had/have issues that are more pertinent to other characters, but my basic coping was 50% telling myself ‘well at least you have a brain and you can use it’ and 50% making self-deprecating terrible taste humor jokes, and like... I’m a disaster on a lot of things but I tend to sense emotions pretty well and I can probably sell my typical book smarts so like, I’m not going to say it’s overrated or anything. it’s one type of it. but it existing doesn’t mean that people who don’t are stupid or that it’s the most valid or whatever

now, the problem with those three is that the situation has to include their father or we don’t get it, but:a) their father and pretty much only parental figure that matters to the three of them since joanna dies too early is cunning, has *typical* smarts the way we intend it, is extremely amoral and practical and also doesn’t gaf about anyone’s feelings but his own and doesn’t care for his kids as people, so *that* is what they grow up with when it comes to ‘person they would consider *intelligent* as a go-to’ and who pretty much fucked them all up differently but they don’t know;b) tyrion, as genna said in affc but is misinterpreted by 90% of people who read it in both senses, is tywin’s son because he also is cunning, has the book smarts, is good at politics, can see the consequences of his actions and/or at least tries, is fairly pragmatic and is the only one out of the three of them who’d have had the skills to bring on the family legacy if tywin actually gave him a shred of credit and hadn’t hated him for his looks/for joanna’s death, but at the same time tywin is an asshole and tyrion is not, tywin doesn’t gaf about anything else but the family/his legacy, tyrion actually cares about cripples bastards and broken things, tywin doesn’t gaf about anyone’s feelings, tyrion’s extremely empathetic towards people, and also as you pointed out he knows that his brain is what will sell his merchandise so to speak and that’s why he keeps it sharp as he said to jon way back in the day - he’s entirely aware that his intelligence is the one thing he can rely on, and he has to know that;c) cersei thinks she’s tywin but like the problem with cersei is that regardless of how smart she is or not, the problem is that she’s not tywin because tywin wasn’t caught up in his narcissism/his own need to see his personal needs met to not see the bigger picture. cersei is incompetent as hell because she can only see as far as what’s convenient to her and what would give her advantage and what would put her on the throne and give her power, which means that most decisions she takes are out of the world ridiculous/self-damaging because she can’t conceive that you’d need advice by other people or everything her father conceived to be in power, like... tywin never wanted the throne but was the more powerful for being a hand of the king and moving his strings on the side, and he didn’t need to flaunt it, which she can’t conceive it - like, she thinks she’s better than everyone because she got the thirst for power and the ruthlessness from him, but she doesn’t have his detachment, she doesn’t have his capacity to see the bigger picture and she can’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her, which means that regardless of how smart she is or not she does increasingly dumb things because she doesn’t act logically;d) jaime on the other side as that quote by genna has nothing of tywin in him, like zero - he doesn’t have the ruthlessness, he doesn’t gaf about the politics, he doesn’t want to be in power and he’s very emotionally attuned to people, and he definitely doesn’t have the *book* smarts tyrion has (either in the book because he doesn’t seem to be too interested in that or in the show where they did the dyslexic characterization on top of tywin forcing him to learn in his usual abusive-ass parent of the year way which... I mean I wouldn’t find reading such a great thing after that either), nor his sister’s taste for politics, so since it’s apparently assumed that in westeros if you’re a firstborn male heir you should be interested in at least the power side of the equation while he just wants to defend the innocents and love his family (nvm the jc part of it y’all get what I’m aiming at) that seems somehow not smart of him, when........ he’s actually not because he’s extremely good at reading situations and thinking around the corners, again he has great emotional intelligence and interpersonal, which... in the lannister household would not be seen as a winning quality, which is why cersei thinks he’s that much **stupider** than her, because he doesn’t want what she wants and he cares about people when she doesn’t, but count that tyrion himself ie the one out of the three who has both the typical book smarts and both inter-intrapersonal intelligence (jaime is working on the intrapersonal one I think lmao) never thinks ‘wow I love my brother but he’s the stupidest lannister’ and the only time he thinks of him in those terms is when he tells him that cersei was cheating on him. actually all the contrary, and I mean now that’d sound weird to me if he considered the stupidest in the family the one person he trusts and that he obviously knows better than either his father did (because his father only sees in jaime his potential heir, not his own person, and cersei sees herself in him, she doesn’t gaf about him as his own person either)

so like...... he thinks he’s not that much bright in comparison to the others because he doesn’t have the book smarts/the cunning/the drive for power and guess why the entire point is that he has to reconcile himself with the fact that what he wanted when he was young (being a knight/being a good person) isn’t something to be trashed and he still can be that, but like he’s legitimately the only one of them who’s not delusional and who can see that they didn’t win his war At Fucking All, also while tyrion never thinks that of him and never tells him anything of the kind until the tysha reveal when he’s understandably angry and he uses it as a wake-up call NOT TO HUMILIATE HIM, cersei tells him that all the goddamned time also to humiliate him and make the idea pass that she knows better than he does, and since he’s spent his entire life listening to her/thinking she’s right/thinking he’s her/whatever he most likely internalized that too....... except that it’s abuse and emotional manipulation, fuck’s sake.

like: the reasons he’d assume that and others would assume it are that he doesn’t want political power and would rather do his knight thing (which is inconceivable to both cersei and tywin) and that he internalized what cersei says about him (which is honestly gross as hell) and we can add that maybe he can’t see her for what she is until he gets the wake-up call.... but guess what, so people in abusive rship are stupid? because they can’t see that their partner is abusive? really? that’s what we’re implying? and the fact that in the show they made him dyslexic (which in itself isn’t even going anti book canon or couldn’t be a thing to add that didn’t make sense), they had tywin openly tell arya that he tried to *cure* him out of it, therefore confirming that tywin totally agrees to that stereotype for which people with learning disorders/who can’t READ at once/might need help with it are STUPID and he couldn’t afford to have his kid need help, ofc not...... and like, that was where you actually turn the storyline around and you show that it doesn’t mean shit and that regardless of that... jaime is a person who is very bright just more bent towards emotional/intrapersonal intelligence, he can do good things which he wants to, he can live up to his potential and he can find people who will value him for himself and who love him for who he is and who the fuck cares if he’s not cunning or politically-driven or thirsty for power or trying to overpower anyone or that he wasn’t ever going to become a grand maester. BUT NO, they had to go the other way and have cersei keeping on belittling him and his intelligence for seasons, and then when he goes back to her he gets told HE’S THE STUPIDEST LANNISTER ALL OVER AGAIN and/or even worse calls himself like that and they go and say in the commentaries he’s not bright enough for cersei or whatever the fucking fuck was that? like, sorry but it’s just gross and has horrible implications and I can’t with it. like, I can’t. one thing is fans going like ‘ah well he’s my trashcan fave and he does dumb things out of love but he’s my trashcan fave who does dumb things out of love’, one thing is the showrunners doing that and making it pass like his supposed lack of the aforementioned traits belonging to either his father, cersei or tyrion means that he’s the fucking stupidest lannister or whatever.

this when we’re talking about someone who’s love-driven and not ambition driven and whose issues were 90% tied to how he was emotionally manipulated/abused/traumatized for his entire life (christ he had ptsd at seventeen and he DISSOCIATES AT WILL SINCE BEFORE THEN THIS GUY HAS ISSUES), so we’re basically saying that someone who is emotionally open/wants desperately emotional ties with the people he loves and doesn’t care for power trips and spends half of his life with everyone but tyrion taking advantage of it and making his issues even worse and convincing him he doesn’t have self-worth besides his sword skills and being of use to other people is.... not bright? dumb? the stupidest? seriously?

sorry but I’m fucking done with this travesty. emotionally open people aren’t stupid, emotionally abused people aren’t stupid, traumatized people who don’t know they’re traumatized and who need help are not stupid, people with learning disorders are not stupid and I just want to dracarys this idea that jaime is not as bright as whoever the fuck else with all three goddamned lizards at once.

there, that was my ted talk.

#jaime lannister #janie writes meta #got negativity for ts #game of thrones spoilers for ts #ch: jaime lannister #ch: tyrion lannister #anti-cersei lannister #anti-cersei #dyslexia cw #ableism cw #anti-lannincest #anti-jaime x cersei #abuse cw #sorry but i'm really done with this discourse #burn it in a fire #Anonymous #ask post

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nadziejastar · 5 years ago

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It's sort of amazing the difference between the fan interpretation of RAX and how they interact in canon. In Days they're super dysfunctional, border on being toxic, and their friendship was unsustainable from the start even if they didn't realize it. In fanon they're a picture perfect family who can never be torn apart. And the KH3 went with the fan interpretation instead of acknowledging any of their issues.

I totally agree. I think the reason is that the fandom tends to be very young. It’s a big reason why Akuroku became so popular, IMO. Young teens tend to misinterpret unhealthy obsession (like Axel’s) as romance and true love. And the Sea-Salt Trio’s dysfunction also was also overlooked in a similar manner.

I gotta be honest. I feel pretty uncomfortable with the general interpretation of the Sea-Salt Trio in this fandom. It’s just so bizarre to me how Roxas and Xion’s friendship with Axel was put on such a pedestal and how his relationship with Isa was pretty much ignored by almost everyone. It’s just…amazingly unrealistic if you think about it. I think it’s a testament to how young the fans are, in general.

Axel’s relationships truly aggravate me, because he was written a LOT differently than Sora or other simplistic characters. I know that the target demographic for Kingdom Hearts is pretty young. And in the end, I think Axel’s character was a victim of that. Nomura tried to write him very authentically at first.

But his characterization was dumbed down to fit in with a largely tween/teen audience and their preferences. I don’t say that to be disparaging to younger fans or anything. But, had KH3 not been a Disney property, and had it been targeted to a slightly older audience, I think Axel and his relationships would have been handled a LOT differently.

I definitely think the Sea-Salt Trio was VERY misunderstood by the fandom. Axel has known Saïx for at least 10 years. Probably more. Even before their backstory was explained, you could tell they have been through hell together in the organization, without anyone else to trust besides each other. Axel was willing to do all of his dirty work.

Then Axel meets Roxas and Xion. Two kids who—let’s be honest—are about on the level of your average fifth grader. Not a bad thing. They’re just very naive and childlike and he obviously can’t be 100% himself around them. Do people really think Axel is gonna replace his best friend so easily with two kids he’s known for less than a year? Apparently, yes. Let’s look how absurd it is.

Day 75

Inseparable

The Genie we met in Agrabah said he and his friend Al are "inseparable." Axel told us best friends can be inseparable even if they're not always together, but it sounded like he wasn't too sure about it himself. I thought Axel knew everything. Oh well...

At this point, Axel spent quite a while at Castle Oblivion. He hasn’t even gotten to know Roxas that well, and he’s only known Xion for a few days. It’s totally realistic that he’d say he doesn’t have a best friend. He sounds like he knows what it’s like to have a best friend, though. He just doesn’t have one anymore.

Day 96

Roxas: I just…want these days to last forever. Hanging out, the ice cream, the sunsets…

Axel: Nothing lasts forever, man. Least of all for a bunch of Nobodies. But you know, we’ll still have each other…even if things change and we can’t do this anymore.

Roxas: Yeah?

Axel: As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?

Roxas: Ha ha, wow, Axel. That sounded ridiculous.

Axel: What? I thought it was pretty deep.

Not even two weeks later, he’s acting all touchy-feely about the time they spend hanging out together. Roxas and Xion make fun of him because even they know they’re not really that close, lol. They hardly know each other at this point. If you read between the lines, you could tell that he was thinking about Saïx here, too.

Friends

Author: Axel

I feel like I’ve been spending more time talking to Roxas and Xion lately than my old friend, Saïx. This has to have been what it was like, friendship.

But if that wasn’t obvious enough, the report clears up all doubt. He WAS thinking about Saïx. The message I got was: Lea and Isa had a very close relationship as humans. They were the ones who were really inseparable.

Axel misses that and, the more he remembers it, is desperate to fill the void. Every time he mentions “best friends,” it relates back to this. But this concept went “whoosh” over 90% of the fandom’s head. It baffles me. I really just don’t get it. Again, I have to think it’s due to the fact that this series skews really young.

Day 118

You Changed, Not Me

Author: Axel

Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. It’s a weird sensation. I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s strange, but I’m content with just missing what’s gone. I’m not the one who changed. You did.

Anyways. Three weeks later. Axel is very hung up on the past. He sounds like a heartbroken lover (because that’s exactly what he is, if you ask me). The reason Axel spends so much time with Roxas and Xion is because Isa changed.

Day 150

Too Precious to Lose

Axel and I talked for a while about the things we can’t bear to lose. Axel thinks that for Nobodies, it’s our pasts, because that’s all we have to remember the pain of losing something. I don’t remember my past, but the idea of losing the present–Axel or Xion–scares me.

A month later. Axel comes back from Castle Oblivion yet again, and he’s even more nostalgic for the past than last time. I bet Axel’s time at C.O was gonna be featured as a blank period in BBSV2. But whatever. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his memories of the past.

The reason Axel treasured his memories so much was because it’s all he had left after losing something. OBVIOUSLY it’s because of his relationship with Isa. I mean, duh. It implies a pretty special connection between Axel/Lea and Saïx/Isa for him to feel that way, especially considering how mean Saïx is to him.

I’m not trying to trash Axel’s feelings for Roxas and Xion, either, or make them out to be unimportant. They were important to him, for sure. But they absolutely did not reach Isa’s level of importance to him. No fucking way. Not. Even. Close. Especially not on Day 150. By the end of the story, Axel couldn’t bear to lose Roxas and Xion because they were all he had to fill the void of Isa.

That’s not to say that he didn’t care about them as friends, or that he was just using them. It just means that I don’t think Axel really would want to be “inseparable” with Roxas and Xion once he was mentally and emotionally healthy. He’d want to be friends with them, of course, but not hang out every day like Hayner, Pence, and Olette. He’s not on the same level as Roxas and Xion. And that’s fine.

Terra: Protect the things that matter… Right. My friends matter to me, too. So, I still have things that I have to protect.

To use a comparison, Riku was very important to Terra. I LOVED the connection between them. Other than Lea and Isa, one of the things I was most excited to see in KH3 was Riku and Terra reuniting (yeah…). They had a very special bond. Riku helped comfort Terra when he was down. But. Riku was NOT as important to Terra as Aqua and Ven were. Even if Terra had spent a whole year with Riku, he still wouldn’t be as important to Terra as Aqua and Ven.

Roxas and Xion being portrayed as the most important people to Axel is as ridiculous to me as Riku being portrayed as the most important person to Terra. It would be weird if 99% of the fanart out there depicted Riku as Terra’s best friend and Terra’s reunion with Riku got more spotlight in KH3 than his reunion with Ven and Aqua.

That’s how I feel about the Sea-Salt Trio. I really liked it for what it was in Days. A complex, morally grey friendship between an emotionally damaged adult and two innocent kids. But I really don’t like the overly saccharine, cutesy, cuddly, one-dimensional fandom version of it, where Axel is treated like he’s on the same level as the two teens. It’s a testament to how young the fandom is that people really thought Lea would be “meh” about reuniting with his childhood best friend who’s been possessed for 10 years, and be waaaay more excited about getting to eat ice cream with two teens every day once again.

Day 172

What’s Love?

On my mission at Beast’s Castle, Xaldin told me about "love” and the special power it has over people. I tried to ask Axel about it, but his explanation didn’t make any sense to me. Every time I ask him about this kind of thing, he tells me I need a heart to understand. It’s like he’s dodging the questions.

Axel tolerates severe emotional abuse from his possessed best friend because he loved him back when he was normal. He copes by with his extremely shitty life by living entirely in the past, through his memories. Hanging out with two kids helps him remember his old life, back when he was happy. God, he was such a fascinating character. Such wasted potential.

Day 193

Best Friends

Xion's awake now. The three of us were gonna go get some ice cream after our mission, but she passed out again, so we had to take her home. I talked with Axel in her room until she woke up. He said the three of us were best friends—inseparable.

Axel said he had no best friend on Day 75. Now it’s Day 193. That’s only 119 days. That’s less than four months!! He gets in a fight with Saïx, who, once again, says he’s changed. A very sore topic for Axel. Then immediately afterwards, he says these two kids are his best friends.

If I was gonna compare it to real life: Let’s say Lea and Isa were two normal high school kids who were kidnapped and raised in a gang. Axel is a 25/26 year-old former gang member. He’s got blood on his hands. He’s a good person deep down, but he’s seen a lot of shit. Then he meets these two fifth graders. This adult gang member, with tear-drop tats and everything, suddenly starts calling these two fifth graders his best friends. He wants to spend all of his time eatig ice cream and playing Minecraft with them.

If this was real life, would anyone say how cute it is that they are best friends? Two kids who he had to teach the concept of “best friends” to? NO! No, they’d say that’s unhealthy and weird and that the guy needs therapy. Because it IS unhealthy and weird. Perhaps it easier to see that as an adult. Perhaps it’s easier to see it in a romanticized way when you’re young.

The Sea-Salt Trio was, in a way, Axel forcing the label of “best friends” on two kids in an attempt to cope with the heartbreak of his loss of innocence. It did have genuine cuteness and sweetness. Of course it did. Axel was not a predator or anything. Roxas and Xion loved him. Axel loved them. But…it wasn’t as cutesy and wholesome as people make it out to be. At least not from Axel’s end. It wasn’t JUST a cute wholesome trio.

That’s what made it so good. It was complex and grey. Axel never went against the organization, even though he could have if he really wanted to. It got to the point where he nearly killed both Roxas and Xion, just because he couldn’t bring himself to go against the organization. And the reason he couldn’t go against the organization was because of Saïx. Yes. Axel came thiiiiis close to killing both Roxas and Xion for a sociopath who treated him like shit. Their friendship was very dysfunctional and had a lot of kinks to work out.

Again, I’m not trying to denigrate the bond Axel had with Roxas and Xion. It was still genuine and sweet, in a sad and messed up way. I can still appreciate the cuteness of it.

But I hated the Sea-Salt reunion in KH3. Because it only focused on the most one-dimensional, saccharine and cutesy portrayal of them possible. They didn’t have to talk about anything. It was just instant hugging and ice cream, now they’re best friends forever. Everything played up to the max to manipulate people’s emotions. None of their issues were worked out and they had no better understanding of each other than they did at the end of Days. Honestly, even though Roxas and Xion got the red carpet treatment compared to Isa, the resolution to their trio was just as pathetic as Isa/Lea’s duo.

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reikiajakoiranruohoja · 6 years ago

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Nature vs nurture

WARNING: Discussion of PTSD.

"Okay, so let me get this straight" Amethyst stated as she looked at the two veteran soldiers before her. One was just sis, though she had long since understood that Jasper was some sort of folk hero to Homeworld gems. The other, freaking Yellow Poobah herself.

What the heck was even the point here?

"You want me to go through some questions to see if I'm...damaged in some way?" she asked, rubbing her hair in confusion. Wouldn't Pearl be better for this? She actually fought in the war.

"What I want to know, is whether or not you show signs of stress damage that is common to your gemtype," the diamond said, those damn cold eyes glaring down at her like at the ball. Jasper said nothing, just staring impassively.

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead"

It felt like a waste of time, she didn't understand why loud noises or stressful situations should make her feel worse, or trigger some kind of fighting instinct of doom. But Yellow Poobah sure seemed interested and Jasper looked more and more frustrated with something as the questioning went on.

"Okay, r-8XM, you say that you -never- just go blank in a fight? Or have nightmares about them? Are you trying to look tough or something?" Jasper finally grumbled, glaring at Amethyst dismissively. Nothing new under the sun.

"Yeah? You say that you just lose your mind there? Like, what's the fun in that? I don't wanna forget cool fights" Amethyst retorted, chuckling a bit. "That is the crux of this study, it ceases to be fun in a true war. It is one thing to skirmish like you did here and on Homeworld. It is another to have to look shattering and death in the eye and choose to live by killing someone" Yellow stated coldly and sighed. "There are gems like Jasper and me, gems who have trouble with violence and fear. You are an outlier that can help us understand this condition"

Amethyst just stared, she sorta knew what the diamond was talking about. Shellshock and all that was common in movies, but she didn't know gems got it too. "Soo, you sayin' that because I never fought in a 'real' war, I'm somehow less of a mess?" she asked, rolling her eyes. She took on Blue Diamond once, the diamonds were no longer scary to her. "You lack the damage to your mind, yes. It is a positive thing to know that long-term damage is not inherent to Quartzes and we can, therefore, try to combat its effects" Yellow responded, trying to smile. Pearl had better tries at it.

"Well, ugh, can't you guys go to therapy or something? You know, gems built to listen to your issues? Like you got Zircons and Topazes and stuff" "We sadly lack any such gem. Other than the pearls that we employ, our inner worlds are rarely exposed"

Wow, just... Wow. This shit was even more messed up than she thought.

"You could, like, talk to each other about it? That usually helps with humans" Amethyst said, utterly flying by the seat of her gem now. The fact that she knew more of this than Homeworld was just sad. "Weakness isn't acceptable, not among us," Jasper said, almost scoffing at the thought. "Yeah, I think I see the root of the problem here"

Yellow lifted a carefully manicured brow as if to tell her to go on. Amethyst, more than happy to call a spade a spade, obliged. "Like, the whole mess is about not talking because others wouldn't get you. Pearl never talked about it, Garnet never talked about it, Rose never mentioned it. Everyone was just happily pretending things were ok when they weren't. Like, REALLY weren't. Then when she croaked and Steven was born, it got WORSE. The only reason we're even here's 'cause Steven started pushing us to talk to one another. About bad things and shit everyone buried deep. So, like, it’s okay to be weak. 'Cause everyone is at parts"

Smooth, 100% bullshit there Amethyst.

"The sentiment is sound, but the implementation might not be so easy. Many of my generals are closed off and paranoid. As Jasper stated, the Court creed has been of working hard and not letting your emotions get in the way. While I have implemented changes to lax this mentality, it won't help the veterans" Yellow spoke, apparently taking Amethyst's words as truth. "Can't they talk to each other then? If yer an army, you gotta have some trust between you guys" she said, feeling more and more out of her league. "That might work"

Amethyst spent a few hours after the two left just playing with the sand. The heck was she supposed to do about any of this? They needed Steven's better words than her awkward fumbling about trying to even get to the point.

Besides, Yellow Poobah had entirely forgotten the Famethyst. They were happy and safe, right?

#my writing #yellow diamond #amethyst su #jasper su

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shy-magpie · 5 years ago

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RQG 126

We lost two people in the literal sense, and the remaining team are out numbered 2 to 1 by former hostages who need to be seen to.

Wow poor Bryn sounds down, and Helen doesn't sound much better. I think that was fake crying but I don't think I ever heard him so low energy Alex! Neither deserved it Bryn: "You monster! I don't respect your craft" Einstein set up the room properly to receive them? Really impressively well. Did he have help? Azu jumps in with the sensible questions Alex shouldn't have set himself up, if he wanted sympathy today of all days Oh Veseek and Bi Ming looking for Sasha and Grizzop Helen yells at Alex for us Hamid is hugging Veseek and trying to reassure him Year and a half?! !WHAT!! -both Hamid & Azu Hamid is having an attack, which is a fair reaction Well that goes pretty far to explain how he got things set up Hamid is jumping right into how we fix this, Einstein is trying to gently tell him its not fixable Everyone is underground? What happened in the rest of the world? There's Azu to get things on track Einstein is trying to calm things down ~ Oh thank Artemis he isn't making us wait to find out what happened with Sasha and Grizzop. I saw the all too short cast list and thought we would have to wait until the side quest to find out! Alex barely has his scene description out before Bryn calls him "the worst, the actual worst" Helen is once again speaking for all of us Same room different time? Oh I have never been happier to hear Grizzop's voice! They are alive to take damage so I really don't care Ben don't remind him he needs to be creative in punishing you Yeah Sasha's gutter french is not going to cut it So did anyone notice them dropping into the room and will that cause problems? Ah too crowded for people to notice? "Only a 19" Sasha takes her skills for granted Grizzop would notch an arrow first thing even before getting off the floor OK Alex has gone 3rd person again so I will cut him a little slack since it shows he is only pretending to be a bond villain If we had to have 2 of the team in Ancient Rome, then there are no two I trust to adapt, survive, and cover each other's backs. Also my issues are showing but it sounds like Eldarian was left in the stone circle rather than showing up with them, which is frankly a relief even if she did have some useful skills. OK so they did see Sasha and are alarmed at Grizzop Racist Romans, this is why they get smote Good Grizzop checks with Sasha on how they want to play this Fair Grizzop, (anyone grabs him, he'll shoot) That's how you make sure the enemy stays down So they barely set foot in town before making an enemy of the rich, very in character Human only town, very quickly seeing the dragon's point in destroying the place Please can I have Sasha wrapping Grizzop in her cloak and passing him off as her child? Maybe carrying him like a tired toddler? Thank you, Alex ~ Einstein better talk over this meal. Oh he is, spill! Yeah yeah riots, possible possession, Thank you Azu, foreign occupation by who? OK whatever is possessing people is now in charge Down a(nother) Meritocrat and the rest are dithering. Does that make the possessed 9/10ths of the law? I could really learn to hate the Acast bells Ok so the weather thing isn't under their control Good questions Is Alex drawing to explain something on the audio only medium? Einstein had 18 months with nothing to do but prepare and worry, of course he has everything Why did I doubt Alex, of course this is really helpful Blue Veins, aren't curable, aren't obvious until later stages, paladins are vulnerable I refuse to be grateful to the Mars lot, even if they are helping for now Cairo is safe, Hamid's family is okay Poor Bi Ming is babbling worried, but answers are scarce So the main plot has been entirely abandoned or what? That doesn't feel like an Alex thing Wilde went off grid I am so proud of Einstein, he did such a great job Azu has to fill Hamid and the rest in on how we lost the other 3, my heart ~ Sasha is trying to wrap her mind around this So Artemis is here? They predate the Roman gods, after all Sasha to Grizzop: you'll just have to be my weird child Wow that's some complicated feelings as Grizzop explains about Eldarian Sasha is reduced to staring at the wall OK its canon, they beat Hades Grizzop would think that balances the new set of emotional baggage Sasha bounces back a little as she mentions the locals are easy to rob Oh Grizzop "I'll kill every single one of them" Sasha, honey you'll be ok, they'll be ok ~ Charming are we going to have the Salahs on our hands again or can we just leave them in jail? Yeah Veseek is close enough to Grizzop to be a hostage, so it tracks he would be game for vengeance Ed sweety, you don't have to fix it all, but are so welcome to join Poor Ishak, kid is holding up but that is in many ways more worrying than if he broke down. Not touching the twin part So what would Einstein consider a survival pack? Nice, our professor has hidden depths Hamid re:The mobile stones "they rock" We have a plan! ~ So does the paladin thing outweigh the goblin thing? Or is my boy about to get shot? Love it, you can spot the temple of Artemis by the arrow slits Cicero? Is a wanted man? Sasha uses her sign language to play charades with the Artemis guy. Lydia makes her case for it well. Of course the episode ends with an explosion and screaming Lydia sounds betrayed that this is the end of the recording session so she doesn't get to know what it was either. Thank you for that ending speech, Bryn. Might be more effective if you didn't sound so fond. Guess who stabs Cesar? I adore Lydia PS: Grizzop was right to tell Sasha what Eldarian did as soon as possible; letting her draw her own conclusions only to yank the rug out from under her latter would be worse. This does not change who Eldarian was. People like Eldarian often think that even their worst abuses are acts of love, even after being shown the harm it does their charges. Saying "this is for your own good" before you kick a puppy doesn't make you less of a puppy kicker. A grand act of self sacrifice appeals to the need to control the narrative.

#Rusty Quill Gaming #long post #RQG spoilers #RQG season 3 #live blog thingy #RQG 126

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semi-imaginary-place · 5 years ago

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fe3h blogging 1

spoilers

Sorry blue lions. It was between eagles and deer for me.

ch3: Well OK. The church is now using me as their personal political assassin are they?

Fe3h fav characters so far: Tomas: knowledge grandpa! And one of the few I trust Gatekeeper: my pure boy. On the topic of trust. You know who I don't trust? Claude. He always angling for something. Always digging for secrets never revealing his own

I didn't think I'd like Raphael so much but I do. He's so good natured. He always wants to help and even when the other kids are mean to him. His only response is more kindness. Like oh youre kinda grumpy right now how about a snack. Like a human shaped golden retriever. Full of love and very food motivated. As much as he's a complete musclehead, his emotional/social intelligence is pretty high. He just wants to make friends. Let Raphhael have friends!

Guess who chose golden deerI was considering black eagle. But everyone did black eagle. I can go on youtube later. I haven't gotten it but on youtube is lorenz and sylvain's c and b supports and they are hilarious

I found japanese audio of fe3h and it just really hit me that Sylvain belongs in an otome game. I mean his character design (hair color, hair style etc.) and the way he acts is already... eh. But then his japanese voice actor... and its giving me this mental dissonance. Especially aince I've seen the character artist doing utapri, samflam, and other stuff.

weeho spoiled myself on supports: Everyday I grow less and less convinced of Sylvain's heterosexuality. Does he even like women?? He's just emotionally manipulating them as a self destructive coping mechanism because he has self worth issues. So he presents himself as the superficial stuff like social status and then gets insecure and accuses them of only dating him for status. He's setting himself up for failure. And each tine reinforces his belief that he is nothing but his crest and family. Look at this disaster boy

knowledge grandpa no! I trusted you and I trust so few people. I wonder if it was real Tomas who first joined but an impostor who rejoined a year ago

List of potential immortals: Jeralt, Rhea, Flayn. There are multiple mentions of Jeralt not seeming to age, he looked the same over 30 years ago. Rhea looks suspiciously like Saint Seiros and was archbishop 20 years ago. Flayn act both young and old and won’t give me her age. That said now that its revealed in the paraloge that Seteth is her dad, maybe not secretly an immortal so much as magical bloodline. Also Seiros, Rhea, Sothis, and Flayn are all related somehow. The green hair doesn’t help. And Byleth is somehow involved. I thought byleth might be part of the immortal gang but mom’s grave stone said she died at age 20 so byleth was born at the church like 20-21 years ago

support thoughts: Are all of huberts c supports just him insulting people?? each and every day I fall more in love with Dorothea. her support with Ferdinand where she straight up says she hates him, the voice acting on that! Lorenz and Ferdinand was hilarious. This is why you get bullied. Lorenz and Sylvain was also funny. Not a big fan of Bernadetta.

Ok so update on the green haired tinfoil hatting: Flayn related to the saint cetholynn????? somehow and definitely real old.

end of part 1

Thinking back the crests and church(seiros/saints) are what turn people into demonic beasts. there are beasts with crest stones in their heads, in Remire villiage they tried to turn people using Flayn’s blood, and later succeeded. Flame emperor is using the church’s abilities against it. Also Rhea’s been seeking to replicate... something Seiros maybe?? (or more someone.. someone who was precious to her) by ripping the hearts out of babies and putting in a special one??? Rhea seem desperate, but I’m not sure what (or whom) she is desperate for. turning Byleth into Seiros??? There is a ... tension is her, like she is on the edge of snapping. And what was she trying to achieve there in the tomb before she was interrupted. For being “holy” relics, they sure are ominous looking. and they turn people into monsters. The whole church is sketch honestly. The propaganda and censorship campaigns. The crushing of any that are a threat under the language of sin and justice.

So Edelgard went full supervillian. Wow. And Rhea was the immaculate one huh (still don’t know what that means), here I was theory crafting that she was a reincarnated Seiros or something. Edelgard is like a worse Alm, she wants to rid humanity of dragons ruling over them and install a meritocracy. Her methods though are !!!!! yikes. I mean any reign that starts with “kill all that resist” can’t lead to anything good. Also out of 10 siblings only 1 didn’t die of illness or go mad. hmmmn where have I heard that before.

That said I do agree with her goal. I love it when I can take down a religious institution in a videogame.

At Garreg Mach her whole plan in to brute force it. Like if we just keep throwing enough lives at it we are bound to win. Admittedly I know nothing of military strategy, but that doesn’t sound like the best plan.

Interesting the differences between routes. In Edelgard’s church allied with feargus, while in Claude’s the Church lost significant power and Edelgard successfully incited a coup, but why did the Empire give up Garreg Mach as a strategic position?

My baby deer are all grown up. And yup another mark in the Flayn is some immortal being, her sprite didn’t change at all. Totally in favor of stealing everyone from the other houses.

Who wore it better Part 1 or 2

Edelgard: 2. I mean p1 Edelgard was already best dressed but p2 takes it to a new level

Dimitri: 2. I mean p1′s hair is so goofy looking I just have to choose the edgelord

Claude: both. Claude looks fine so matter the time

Hubert: 2. He really did grow into the goth look

Petra: 1. Both are good but I love the huge braid

Lindhart: 1. p2 isn’t bad but I like the two layers look

Dorothea: 2. but both are good

Caspar: 2. Something about p1 always bothered me

Ferdinand: 2. His character model looks better than his sprite, and his hair is so luscious and flowing!

Bernadetta: 2. its just a mess is p1, v cute in p2

Dudue: 2. what is even going on in p1. where as p2 is like... elegant

Sylvain: 1. as much as I teased about him belonging in an otome game, his p2 haircut is just ugly

Ingrid: 1. mmmm its fluffy?

Felix: 1. What is his p2 hair even doing??? it makes me confused

Mercedes: 1. Fluffy.

Annette: 2. never was a fan of the hair loopies

Ashe: both. p1 is cute but p2 is beautiful. both are sooo good

Hilda: 2. p1 pigtails kinda boring

Raphael: 1. though p2 its a shaggy dog

Leonie: 1. another fluffy head, p2′s low pony tail does not give a flattering shape

Ignatz: 2. a bowl cut is an improvment from whatever p1 is

Lysithea: 2. not sue about the veil but it is more intersting than p1

Marianne: 1. I always did prefer thick bangs

Lorenz: 2. its definitely p2. in p1 he looks like such a clown

Cyril: 2. Honestly he kept the baby face so there’s not much difference.

Claude sees that under Rhea the church enforced a doctrine that locked in the status quo of nobles and crests and he wants to chage the church’s influence to promote tolerance, diversity, and open mindedness. but, hey. Hey. What if we got rid of the church all together.

Why can’t I recruit the old general... hey. Hey!

Aww Claude introduced me to his second mom and dad

So the more people you can recruit the less painful things are. I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get to kill Dimitri.

In terms of characters, Ferdinand has surprisingly grown on me. As for Caspar I shocks me occasionally how uncaring he is about killing people. He reminds me of a smt chaos hero with the whole might equals right thing. As long as he decides they are evil its ok to kill them. Now all he needs to do is get possessed by a demon. Eating away at him from the inside out. Ashe as always continues to be an absolute angel. I need somewhere to gush about how cool Claude looks in him final class promotion. So I rather like the group of childhood friends dimitri, felix, sylvain, ingrid. And it always trips me uo to remember that sylvain is like 2 years older than the rest because he really doesn't act like it. I'm getting that they are all traumatized from the death of felix's brother. A lot of the characters have had pretty bad childhoods.I was surprised to find out that Lysithea was tortured as a child like ok wow. I need to spend more time with you. Does Dimitri have PTSD? Golden Deer has had quite a few goofy hijinks. Marianne's character growth really has been a a thing of beauty, I’m so proud of her. But I love my oddball bunch of misfits. How did Dedue not get found out??? He’s very noticeable. and Claude, you’re starting to sound like Edelgard. I love Edelgard’s final promotion. Looks so cool. Like a mix or her Lord and Flame Emperor clothes. I wince every time some mentions the free market or the joys of capitalism. I guess adrestia is imperialism, faergus is religion, and leister is capitalism. I didn’t care about Dimriti’s death, but Edelgard’s got me.

damn ok so dubstep cyberpunk dungeon and Rhea took like 15 missile strikes. wow this really is very smt. maybe persona 2. And fighting zombie Nemesis and the 10 was excellent (Nemesis is still a stupid name). I love it when we fight literal embodiments of the past

its hilarious that in Shamir and Claude's paired ending, he ends up ditching 3 whole times. He turns the opportunity to lead the unified fodland down, then he ditches house reigen, and then he abdicated the throne! I love it! That's so him. And they both wanted to travel the world. Technically Claude is also a descendant of Loog so he also gave up claim to the Faerghus throne too. I swear. This dude. This dude... Next its going to be revealed that secretly Claudr is Edelgard's cousin. Or one of her "dead" sibling. Lysithea tell us that blood experiment to force crests leads to physical and mental damage. Does this have anything to do with what happened to Edelgard’s siblings? As far as I can tell every ending has Fodland under a single party state. Crimson flower, azure moon, and verdant wind all end in monarchies, and silver snow a theocracy.

Hold up. Flayn said that Cethaleann never had any children as rational as to why she's not a descendant. But how did Lindhart get the crest then?? And I might be mixing up the 10 and the saints, but then I thought the crests were designed as tools of war by those who slither in the dark. Thats how the 10 got them, to use as weapons against Sothis. But that then brings the question of why Rhea edited history in favor of them. This is why the holy relics looked so ominous and creepy. The animations are eeeeeeeeuuuuuugggh. My initial though was that the church is secretly evil and this is foreshadowing. I mean rhea's kinda... viscous? Ruthless? Filled with barely contained hatred? I was thinking maybe she's secretly the evil dragon of the game the way Mila kinda was.

But then you dont need consent to make a crest. Only blood. Blood could have been stolen from cihol and cethaleann to make their crests. Alternately they could have chosen to give crests to specific people. The 2 sources of crests is also why there’s multiple weapons for some crests. The crest weapons made by the agartans all have a similar aesthetic, but not all the crest weapons have that aesthetic some look different and probably weren’t made by them. As for why Rhea rewrote the 10 into heroes. It might have been to stop people from questioning the crests and relics and seeking to replicate them. By framing it as sothis's doing, with the power of the church she can control crests, how people view them, and keep a closer eye on the descendants. Its its a gift by the goddess, of course we cant try to replicate them.

Let’s see what Claude achieved before he dipped. anti-discrimination laws (race, religion), and increased foreign relations. Potentially equal treatment under the law.

Edelgard really likes brute forcing solutions

The whole opera thing with Dorothea and Manuela stinks of the idol industry where an idol peaks at like 18. Real opera singers have much longer careers.

Golden Deer is so JRPG in the best way. There’s an evil cult of technologically advanced subterranean people, a zombie army, the power of friendship.

It already caught my attention when missiles appeared and the evil cult's dungeon belonged is a scifi movie like ghost in the shell and I was thinking to myself "hmmm... this all sounds very smt of you" or maybe Persona 2. I mean with names like Shambala and the whole general aesthetic of that dungeon ... yeah. But then someone points out the UN’s symbol is all over the Agarthan stuff. And wow we really are in an smt timeline aren't we. and I remember seeing the missiles thinking hmmm that looks vaguely familiar. Its the UN symbol. Which means in alternate future Earth Sothis comes, we wage a war against the gods and and then Rhea destroys modern civilization along with the planet. that really does sound like the plot of an SMT game. I did wonder at the inclusion of electronica and dubstep into the soundtrack.

THC (Thinking Hard about Claude). Claude let's everyone know he's up to something, and his self portrayal as a schemer is both deliberate and truthful. He's using it part as social armor and part as an excuse to probe. Claude holds genuine cuiosity, wonder, and passion for the world. He is not always scheming so much as he is one of those people who's brain never turn off. He just wants to explore the world, meet different cultures, and discover all the secrets. Given the environment he grew up in, his natural inclinations angled him to thinking in terms of how to best leverage someone or how to sneak around.

Alright so here’s the lore as I know it. Sothis=Goddess came from another world to Fodlan. Through her blood made the goddess’ children (Nabateans) who are the original magical beasts and can talk, and they resided at Zanado. Rhea=Seiros=The Immaculate One, and the 4 Saints (Cihol=Seteth, Cethaleann=Flayn, Indech=The Indomitable, Macuil=The Wind Caller) are Nabateans. Sothis gave knowledge/interacted with the native humans of Fodlan (Agarthans). Eventually the Agarthans waged war against Sothis killing her and many Nabateans. The Agarthans used their bones to make weapons, their hearts to make crest stones, and their blood to make crests. The above is why magical beasts and demonic beasts are connected to crest stones. The crest stones as the hearts of Nabateans transform humans into a distorted version of their magical beast forms. The Sword of the Creator was made from materials taken from Sothis’ body. Using these weapons the humans attacked Zanado killing everyone except Seiros and the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were similarly made from Nabatean bodies. Seiros, already obsessed with Sothis thought only of vengeance and bringing back Sothis. She raised an army, killed Nemesis, and drove the Agarthans underground to become Those who Slither in the Dark. Seiros then took control of the continent under the guise of The Church of Seiros. Seiros and the 4 Saints gave their blood to favored individuals granting them the power of their personal crest as well as potentially extending their lifespan/granting extended youth. This is why the 10 Heroes Relics have a visual aesthetic distinct from that of the weapons of the 4 Saints. The 10 Heroes Relics were made by the Agarthans but the other crest weapons like the other Gloucester crest weapon the Axe of Ukonvasara and the Saint’s weapons were not mad by them. The Church the acted as a tool for Seiros/Rhea to control the continent and its course. She then rewrote that part of history. The goddess was just sleeping, crests were a blessings of the goddess, etc.

I am unsure as to why she did so, but I believe it served the 2 purposes. First it allowed Rhea to control the narrative and how people thought about the matter. Second it erases the existence of a rebellion against the Goddess. From the Church, Rhea could control the flow of information, censoring anything that threatened her power. Using the language of religion she could also justify using military force to eliminate her political opponents.

#fe16 #fe16 spoilers #fe3h spoilers #fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fe #fe3h

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fae-fucker · 6 years ago

Text

Zenith: Chapter 33-36

Chapter 33

So we’re back in Andi’s POV, finally. She’s woken up by Dex who is all worried and Andi vomits in his lap and then thinks about how sexy he is. Mind you, they are in a ship filled with corpses and there’s an unconscious and busted Valen near them who’s probably dying slowly, plus the vomit.

But I guess that just turns Andi on more? Discuss.

They find Valen barely alive among the corpses and Dex is surprised he’s not dead.

Hey bud. Didn’t you throw the guy down a flight of stairs a few chapters ago? I don’t think you’re in any position to make glib remarks, my guy.

Andi takes out the pilot with a shoelace, which, alright, and Dex says something about how she’s still afraid to fly a ship because she asks him to do it. Wow, an actual symptom of PTSD? In my Zenith? What a time to be alive.

The chapter ends with Andi angsting about how she’s had to murder another person. Except she didn’t have to do that. She could’ve just knocked the pilot out and locked them in the storage with the other corpses to get rescued later. The pilot didn’t know there were live people on board so they wouldn’t know who attacked them anyway. I mean yeah they’d probably sustain brain damage but they wouldn’t be dead.

Methinks Andi really likes murder and justifies it to herself by saying it’s a necessity.

Chapter 34

We’re in Dex’s POV and he’s complaining about how everything smells like trash on the Marauder now that Alfie took the door off the trash shoot.

Hey. Hey why don’t you just ... blast it out? Like. Just shoot the trash out. Why do you store it on the ship that gets lighter and faster when you spend ammo? You’re in space. Just blast that shit. Or convert it into biofuel. Apparently it smells of “unmentionable” things so that makes me wonder if they store their actual shit in there as well? What the fuck is in their trash department that it smells so bad? If they can’t blast out the trash (which makes no sense), why didn’t they get rid of it when they were getting repairs before the mission? Why didn’t they get rid of it during the numerous times they’ve landed? Why the fuck does this ship have a dedicated trash department anyway?

The little fire-haired gunner had wanted to know if the blood on Andi belonged to her or some “now-ball-less bastard,” to which the giantess had responded, Of course it’s not hers, Gil. And don’t say bastard. Say prick.

Comedy.

Dex is being patched up by Alfie (who is described as “fawning” over his wounds, which doesn’t sound right), and thinks about how he’s gonna drink himself into oblivion later. Alcoholism? Love it. I bet Shinsay will know exactly how to handle this, with how many references their super cool and mature characters make to getting absolutely shitfaced.

Dex sulks himself out of the “med bay” (Why don’t these idiots have medical staff? For the same reason they don’t have mechanics I suppose.) to go and update General Cortas on their progress.

The general is all grumpy and shit and reminds Dex that he’s in charge and can fuck him up good if anything happens to Valen, and tells him to keep Andi away from him. Because he thinks Andi will ... kill Valen too? I guess he thinks Andi is addicted to murdering his kids or smth.

Anyway, Dex gets all mopey because the big scary man said some mean things but then he hears classical music and enters Andi’s room. It’s time for some bullshit, lads.

Chapter 35

So finally we get the scene where Andi “dances” with the dead, which turns out to actually just happen in her head while she spaces out and cries. She imagines herself on a stage with an audience of ghosts of all the people she’s killed, and they come up and dance with her one by one and she “memorizes” their features. I’m not sure how she does that because the narration during action scenes keeps emphasizing how quick and cool she is so I have no idea how she can “memorize” the features of someone she’s probably only looked at for a couple of seconds at most. Also, I dunno why she’s memorizing something she clearly already remembers. I know it’s a nitpick but it’s just bad, y’all.

If this is supposed to be atonement ... God I hope it’s not. It’s honestly written like it makes Andi some sort of pure angel who just Does What She Has To, instead of just being a coping mechanism. Behold:

Tears streaked down Andi’s cheeks, pulling her from the vision she’d created so clearly in her mind. The music grew louder, silencing her tears. She closed her eyes and forced herself back into her mind. She owed this to the dead. This pain, this dance, this time where she gave herself fully to their memory.

Anyway, the last ghost is Kalee of course, and I’m not entirely sure how many people Andi’s killed if every single dance is as detailed and long as the ones with latest ghosts (the descriptions are quite lengthy so I assume it’s a couple of minutes or so), but it looks like Kalee’s ghost has to sit there and wait a while lmao. Even in death this brat can’t catch a break.

Sorry, I know I’m laughing at trauma here, but it’s not real trauma, it’s badly written melodramatic trauma. Like, I just don’t see someone who genuinely doesn’t like to murder people keep “crossing that line” (yes, apparently whenever Andi does a murder, she “crosses a line” she’s set for herself, wowza) and all they do for atonement is keeping a mental list and queue of all the fake made-up ghosts she needs to dance with. Like. I get that people cope differently but this is less of a coping mechanism and more Shinsay crossing shit off a list to make Andi more palatable.

I just don’t believe it. Not after I’ve seen how proud she is of being the Bloody Baroness and how Glorious it feels to Do A Murder.

Also, this chapter is rife with weird fucking grammar and writing in general. Some examples:

[Kalee] was dressed in a shimmering blue gown that swirled around her ankles like fragments of cloud.

“Fragments of cloud”????

The transport creaked. Groaned, as the fire licked closer and closer.

Why did you. Break, the sentence up like that.

The chapter ends with Dex giving Andi some time to pause her PTXD so they can have the talk she promised him. Which is nice of him, I guess. Despite being obnoxious and a dweeb, Dex manages to be better than every SJM love interest ever? Wow.

Oh but don’t you worry, it lasts uuuh until just now.

Chapter 36

Andi thinks about how sexie Dex is now that he’s washed the blood and vomit off and changed some clothes. Which ... there’s no mention of him doing since he returned from the corpse hauling ship ... The last chapter from his POV had him arriving at the Marauder and having his wounds checked, after which he instantly went to call General Cortas, and then he went directly to Andi.

I guess he’s got time travel powers? Or are we supposed to believe he showered before being brought into the med bay?

Whatever.

Dex says that Andi doesn’t know the “full story” behind the reason he turned her over to the Patrolmen, and Andi responds with:

“I loved you, and you threw me away like some common whore!”

But god forbid we actually say the word “sex” or stop being immature little shits every moment we make a dirty reference, amirite guys? Calling women whores and sluts is a-ok but if you even TRY to discuss sexuality in a mature and relaxed way you WILL get eaten by the mommy police.

Dex is like “pwease wissen to me :C” and she’s like “fucking dammit he’s just so hot not to listen to”:

She wanted him to hurt. To feel the soul-deep pain, just as she did. Physical wounds would heal, but the internal scars never would.

SOUL-DEEP PAIN.

Not sure Andi has a soul but go off.

“You were my whole world. You showed me that I could still be loved. When everyone else—an entire planet full of people—hated me so much they wished me dead, even my own parents...I found you. I started to live again. I started to trust. Then I lost you, too, just like all the others. You turned away, just like they did.”

Thanks for mapping out the exact reasons for your angst, Andi. It’s not like we’re clever enough to know you have trust- and/or abandonment issues.

More like Angstdi amirite?

Dex gets all defensive and instead of giving her the real reason for his betrayal, he starts mouthing off and justifying himself.

“I turned you in because you were running from the law! You lied to me about your past, Andi. I did nothing that wasn’t expected of me! My duty as a Guardian was to the welfare of the galaxy, not to some runaway Spectre who’d failed her entire planet! You made the choice to fly that transport ship. It was your hands that crashed it. Your failure that killed Kalee! You ran, Androma.”

H-hey bud? This is, as far as you know, your only chance to justify yourself. Maybe calm your tits and tell her what you’ve been keeping secret instead of confirming her beliefs about you? Since you were so desperate to talk to her?

No? Ok. For someone who displays some amount of emotional maturity (good god I can’t believe I just said that about fiking Dex Dogtective), you sure do get fired up easily, huh. Must be all that will-they-won’t-they tension.

They circled each other like predators, blood boiling, bodies shaking with rage as the stars looked on.

I can promise you the stars have better things to do than to give a shit about this petty squabble, Shinsay.

“Did you ever think about my side in all of this, Androma?” Dex’s voice cracked suddenly as he ran his fingers through his dark hair. “You may think you know the whole story, but you are so consumed by hate that you only see yourself.”

SO MAYBE STOP JUSTIFYING YOUR ACTIONS AND ACTUALLY TELL HER WHY YOU DID IT IF IT’S SO FUCKING IMPORTANT FOR HER TO KNOW?!

But no, we can’t have that yet. He follows it up with this:

��Your side of the story doesn’t matter. You sunk a knife into my chest. You stole my ship and left me to die.”

BECAUSE YOU TURNED HER OVER TO THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD MURDER HER.

CAN YOU MAYBE NOT?!

HOLY SHIT DEX DOGTECTIVE YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON, AREN’T YOU?

No wonder she fuckin stabbed you. I would’ve stabbed you multiple times and made sure you were actually dead before leaving your sorry ass.

Anyway, they stare at each other and Dex is all “uwu ur the only woman I ever loved” and we all know that doesn’t mean bi!Dex because Shinsay can’t think of a their manly man getting dicked down by another man, nu-uh.

Then we finally get the reason Dex did it. You see ...

They had his dad. And threatened to kill him if he didn’t turn Andi in.

Yeah. That old chestnut. It does unfortunately open up all of the plot holes. Like for example, if they knew where Dex was, why didn’t they just ... find him and thus find Andi? They knew she was with him. He was a Guardian at that point, surely they know where their men are stationed? Apparently he’d known Andi for a year when he turned her in, and he hadn’t realized who she was until the general’s men approached him. So ... how did the Patrolmen realize he was with Andi if even he didn’t know it? Or did they just threaten a family member of every Guardian on the off-chance that one of them knew Andi and would give her up to save them?

Maybe there’s something I’m missing, but this smacks of contrivance for the sake of conflict.

Anyway, apparently Dex had tried to give Andi a head start the morning before he turned her in. By giving her a vaguely worded warning that she didn’t get.

What a peach.

They bribed Dex on top of threatening his father, which is like, beating him with the carrot stick, and I don’t understand it at all. But Dex feels very terrible about what he did to teh womaine he wuvs :c and apparently tried to plead with them that she was young and made a mistake.

“Andi,” Dex whispered. “Please. Look at me. Tell me we can move past this. We both made mistakes. We both made our choices, and we’ve had to live with them.”

Seems a little manipulative there, Dexyboy. I’m getting a lot of mixed messages, but the loudest one seems to be “you did a bad and I did a smaller bad that’s justified and I feel kinda bad but also you’re also at fault and can we bone again please” and I’m not into it, Dexyboy.

You wanted her to get away, to give her a head start. You agree that she’s innocent and she made a mistake when she was a child. Yet you blame her for stabbing you and fleeing from certain death? Ok.

I mean, I get it, getting stabbed probably ain’t so fun, especially when it’s the womaine you lurv :c, and sure maybe it hurts both physically and emotionally to have her turn on you so fast and without hesitation ... BUT YOU DID PROVOKE IT BY TURNING HER OVER TO PEOPLE WHO WOULD DEFO 100% MURDER HER ASS. If you love her so much, can’t you extend just a bit of sympathy for her actions? Since you are the reason she did those things in the first place? Fucking dumbass.

Also, why the fuck have you been acting like a huge cocky asshole this whole time since you reunited? For kicks?

I get Shinsay wanted a sexie snarky love interest just like SJMommy but they’ve done it at the cost of consistent characterization.

Andi says that there’s no getting back to how it was and tells Dex to leave so she can cry and carve more tallies into her swords.

It’s very deep, y’all.

#eff reads: zenith

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themoonandotherslikeit · 6 years ago

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The Look in Her Eyes- Chapter 19

***While on a case, Dean and Sam meet a beautiful woman, Ava. She makes a large impression on the brothers, and ends up convincing them to take her on the road with them. It isn’t long before the shared experience, car rides, motel rooms, and risky cases pushes Ava and Dean together in an unlikely story of love, family, fate, and friendship. ***

Chapter Nineteen, The Colt

Dean

"Wow." Dad said, looking taken aback by Ava's words. Honestly? We all three were. Don't mess with Momma bear.

"Yeah. She's a spit fire alright." I agreed.

"Your girlfriend, huh? I've gotta say, son, I'm surprised."

"Figured you would be."

"She's good, Dad." Sam said carefully. "She's a good hunter."

He laughed and shook his head. "It's really fucking reckless. I raised you better than to put innocents in danger." He frowned and turned to me. "You're weak. Your head isn't in the game. Not while she's here."

"You're wrong. We have done cases with her. They've ended fine." I said, clenching my fists at my side.

"This isn't just a case, Dean. This is the case. We can't be distracted. I need all hands on deck. I can't have you putting yourself in harms way for a piece of ass."

"Watch yourself." I said stepping toward him, with my finger pointed at his chest. "I'd tread lightly, pops."

"What about your Mom? That's why we started this. To avenge her. You're going to ruin this. I don't care what you do on your free time, but not on this. Not on this case."

"Don't make this about her. You know I loved Mom. I want revenge as much as you do."

"I don't think you do."

"I do." I assured him. "I just think you should apologize to Ava. You're wrong about her, and you're wrong about me." I insisted.

"Why are we even arguing about this?" Sam asked, sounding aggravated. "Let's just get this son of a bitch. She can help, so why don't we let her? Or bench her. Either way."

"We aren't benching anybody." I said throwing an arm up to Sam. "You know she would never let that happen."

Sam shrugged, because he definitely did.

Dad looked at us and sighed. "Sam is right. Not about bringing her, but about focusing on the goal." He walked to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Go talk to her. Tell her she needs to go somewhere safe. It's time to say goodbye, son."

I shrugged him off. "How about you talk to her and see how well that goes."

"Fine." He said with a raised eyebrow. "I'll talk to her."

I grinned. This should be good.

Ava

I knew I shouldn't have gone off on their father, but the way he looked at them pissed me off. They were my boys, and I wasn't going to let anyone bully them.

I leaned against the Impala with my arms crossed, and my sunglasses perched on my nose. I felt like I was having a staring contest with the motel room door.

I shouldn't have been surprised that Dean didn't follow me out, but I still wish he had. I wanted to know what they were saying.

My head perked up as the motel door opened. John Winchester walked out alone. He made his way to me, and I pursed my lips. This should be good.

"John Winchester." I said coldly.

"Ava Langston." He repeated back to me. "I hear we should talk."

"Hm."

"I'll buy you a beer."

"Well, considering we are on the most important case of our young lives, I won't be drinking. I will let you buy me a coffee, though. Stay sharp and all that." I said, standing up. "Get in. I'll drive."

I pulled out the Impala keys from my pocket.

"He lets you drive the Impala." It wasn't a question.

"I'm usually the only sober one." I smiled sweetly. "And I am, was, a police officer. I prefer not to drunk drive if I can help it." I slid into the drivers seat. He looked inquisitive so he followed my lead and sat in the passenger seat.

"I've never seen my son act this way before."

"Like what?"

"Defiant for starters." He smirked.

He looked so much like Dean it was eerie. The same eyes, the same mouth, just aged with darker hair. If Dean aged like him I'd be a happy girl for a long time. That's a scary realization. I plan on sticking around. I bit the inside of my cheek. "He's happy."

"How did this happen? My boys would have never let anyone on the road with them. It's too dangerous to have relationships."

"They pulled the FBI shit on me. They were working on a case in my town. They gave me Bobby's number to call to validate their badges." I smiled at the memory. "Idiots."

"How does Bobby feel about all of this?"

"He didn't like it at first, but he came around." I parked in front of the coffee house and got out of the car. We walked in together and he ordered a black coffee. I ordered one with half and half.

I sat across from him. "Mr Winchester." I began.

"Call me John."

"John." I exhaled. "Your sons are my family. They saved me after I was attacked by a demon. The same demon that killed my mom. Her soul is in hell because of him." I held the coffee between my hands. "I've been with Sam and Dean for months. We tried to be apart. He did what I'm sure you're here to do. He broke it off, and told me to leave."

He sipped his coffee. "And you didn't leave?"

"I did. For about a month. I didn't stop hunting. I'm actually good at it. We were miserable apart. You know that family is important to the boys." I leaned forward. "Family doesn't ditch family."

"You're angry because I left them."

"I am. How could you ever leave them." My jaw was tight as I met his eyes. "They're the most amazing people I've ever met, and you left them out of the blue. You abandoned them."

"It wasn't like that. I needed to focus. It wasn't safe for them."

"You don't need to explain that to me, but you should apologize to them." I took a sip of my coffee. My stomach churned, and I sat the mug back down.

"I did what I had to. My boys know that."

"Take it from someone who has been there." I said, laying my palms flat on the table. "They don't. They may act like they do, but you were their only parent and you left. If I had the chance to be with my parents I would. I'd give anything for that."

"It's complicated."

"No, it's not." I shook my head. "I understand revenge. Sam still has nightmares, and Dean has obvious issues getting close to people. They're damaged. I know why you want to make the demon pay." I pulled down my shirt to show the long pink scar across my chest. "I want to make them pay, too. But at what cost? You've lost out on so much time with the people that are alive. I'm just saying, don't fuck it up any more than you already have. You can finish this, and then have a second chance with them."

He chuckled quietly and shook his head.

"What is so goddamn funny?"

"You just... you remind me of Mary."

"Their mom?"

He nodded. "She was full of fire, too. She would've killed for those two. You love them?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"You can come."

"I didn't ask your permission." I said, standing.

"Noted." He downed the rest of his coffee and turned to leave.

I grabbed his arm, stopping him. "You should know that I would die for those two, and I trust them more than anyone. But you..." I shook my head. "I don't trust you at all. You have that look in your eyes."

"What look?"

"The look of someone who will stop at nothing. That's a dangerous look, because revenge isn't worth losing the people that are still here. If it comes down to them or the demon, we are gone. Do you hear me?"

"This is why you have to keep your emotions out of it. The love, the family of it all can get you killed." He put his jacket back on.

"Love isn't a problem, John, it's the solution." I shook my head. The Winchester's are all the same.

———————

John and I found Sam and Dean sitting in the motel room. I walked to Dean and rated my hand on his shoulder. "So, what's the plan?

Dean looked up at me and then to his father. "She worked you over." He grinned.

"She was very persuasive."

"Yeah." Dean smiled up at me. "She does that."

I squeezed his shoulder.

"We are looking for this." He said, bringing out a drawing of a gun.

"A gun?" Sam asked.

"Not just a gun. It's the Colt." John said. "It can kill anything." He said with a mischievous grin.

"Sounds too good to be true." I commented.

"It is." He agreed. "It only has three bullets left."

"So where is the magic gun?" Dean asked, crossing his arms.

"A friend has it. I'm going to meet him tonight." He looked at his watch. "Soon, actually."

"Do you know where the demon is?"

"I know where he will be." John said, looking to Sam.

"And then?" Dean asked.

"And then we kill the son of a bitch."

"I'm going with you to get the gun." Dean said.

Sam stood up. "Me, too."

"We don't need the cavalry to get it from one guy." John said, waiving them off. "Sam you can come. Dean, you and Ava get ready for the fight. Make sure we are all stocked up on everything."

"Sounds good." I said, tugging Dean down. He was worked up. He needed to be calm if we were going to do this.

"We will be back." John said, putting his gun in his belt.

"Bye." Sam said, nodding to me.

They exited the motel, and I slowly sat next to Dean. "So what did you say to him?"

"I told him he was an asshat for leaving you."

"I bet he loved that."

I smiled a bit. "I think he actually did. He seemed happy that you have someone who cares about you."

"I'm happy about that, too."

"Good." I smiled, and leaned in to kiss him.

"You won over John Freaking Winchester."

"And both of his sons." I grinned, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm o for three."

Sam

We picked the lock on Daniel Elkins door. "You sure we shouldn't just knock? I asked, as Dad focused on the lock.

"We aren't exactly on speaking terms."

Dad had a falling out with almost everyone he ever interacted with, so I wasn't exactly surprised.

The lock clicked and he slowly pushed the door open. He put his gun up. I followed his lead and raised mine. We slowly stepped through the threshold into the dark motel room.

I reached out to my left and flipped the light switch.

"Fuck." Dad exhaled as he took in the scene in front of us. Daniel Elkins was tied to a chair that was now turned over with his bloodied body in it. His throat was slit. He moved to the safe that was wide open. The colt was nowhere to be found. "Damn it." He turned and kicked his boot into the wall hard.

"Dad." I said as I bent down to touch a yellow dust by Elkins body. "Sulfur."

"They're going for the gate."

"What do you mean?" I asked him. He had this crazy look in his eyes. "What gate?"

He lowered his gun and met my gaze. "They're trying to open the gate to hell, and if they succeed they're going to let them out. They're going to let all the demons out."

——————

"They have the gun," Dad said as we entered the motel room. "We have to strike now, before it's too late."

Ava and Dean had assembled holy water bombs, and an array of other weapons.

"What's our move?" Dean asked.

"Sam Colt was the best hunter of his time, maybe ever." Dad laid out a map. "He bought these pieces of land, and created a personal railroad to connect them."

"Is that?" I asked, leaning in.

"It's a giant devils trap." Ava said, running her fingers along the drawn shape. "Genius."

"He was." Dad agreed. "Here." He pointed at the center. "Is the devils gate. The gate to hell. The gun is the key."

"They can't get in, though. Right?" Ava questioned. "They can't get past the devils trap. Railroads are made of iron."

"The demons can't." Dad agreed. "But that doesn't mean that they can't send in someone else."

"You think yellow eyes will be there?" I asked.

"I know he will be."

Dean frowned. "How can you know that?"

"Because he is running the show. He is starting the apocalypse."

"Well, lets kill two birds with own stone. Kill Yellow Eyes, and stop the apocalypse." Dean said calmly.

"Just another Tuesday." Ava grinned.

—————

Chapter Twenty, The End

Get caught up!

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#The Look in Her Eyes #fanfiction #fic #mine #writing #supernatural #spn #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester #deanxofc #sam winchester #otp #angst #love #ava langston

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error-what-blog · 7 years ago

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Jihyun x Mc | Dolor.

Trigger Warning: Suicide.

Dolor: a state of great sorrow or distress.

I hope you enjoy~

Every was blank. Like all warmth and colour had been robbed of you and all that was left was an unfilled canvas.

Much like your emotions. You couldn’t transmit what was happening into reality. Was it some cruel joke? Was this an anniversary prank?

“. . . What did you say?” The woman speaking didn’t sound like your usual self. This one was vacant, almost, like she was devoid of any positivity. You couldn’t feel the warmth or gentle tremor in his hand as he looked at you with what one describe as utter desolation and regret. But you weren’t looking at him. You were looking straight in front of you, looking out the window at the city buzzing by. None of the people out in the real world aware of the atomic bomb that had just been dropped upon your heart and soul.

Jihyun repeat himself once more, only causing another debilitating blow to your heart. The pain made it all real. This was happening.

Jihyun had admitted to you that he had committed the biggest crime in a relationship.

Infidelity.

You snatched your hand away and brought it to your mouth to stifle the painful sob that wracked through your body. Your mind was blurred, only one thought being played on repeat.

“With who?” Your voice sounded weak, like you would shatter to pieces at any moment.

“(F/n) I don’t think--”

“With you, Jihyun?!” You snapped, completely terrified that it would be the woman that was the cause of many insecurity in you.

“It-It was Rika.”

No.

You felt as though a part of you had been violently ripped away from you.

Your dignity.

Your trust.

Your heart.

“A-And she wants to move back in with me in two weeks when she is scheduled to be discharged from the clinic so-”

“I get it. I’ll pack my things and be gone by the e-end of the day.” Part of you wanted to scream and cry at him for doing something so wicked with her of all people. The woman who attempted to blind him, who abused him. The woman who tried to have you kidnapped.

“No! I-I didn’t mean t-today! You can stay here u-until you find somewhere!”

“Wow, Jihyun. Two weeks to find somewhere?! How fucking gracious of you. God, I can’t even f-fucking look at you right now,” You spat, angry tears falling from your eyes like a waterfall.

“Fuck this.” Was all you said before standing up, phone in hand, and walked out the door.

Once you were on the street, a cold breeze shot up your spine. You dialed the only person you could at the moment, your best friend.

Saeyoung.

You knew he would help you. He still hadn’t completely forgiven V for lying to him about Saeran and especially for turmoil Saeran had been placed under that caused him mental health issues that were still in his life at the moment.

“Hey bestfriend!” His cheery tone shouted down the phone but was immediately cut off when he heard your desperate sobs through his end of the line. “(F/n), what’s the matter?”

“V-he. . . Jihyun ch-- please just come get me,” You cried in the phone, barely able to choke out a coherent sentence. With a quick okay, the call was terminated and you stood in your spot finally beginning to let everything soak in.

Your relationship with your fiance Jihyun Kim was over. You were no longer his bride-to-be or future Mrs Kim. It seems like it had been that way in his heart for awhile. The hours he would spend visiting Rika had lengthened over the past few weeks, and while it bothered you, you had full trust in V. The weight that was still enclosed around your ring finger assured of that at the time. But now it only signified your own indiscretion. It made you aware that everyone, no matter how nice you could perceive them to be, could hurt you in tremendous ways. Like he had.

The screeching of tires pulled you from your thoughts and you saw a red head jump out and run towards you. He stopped in front of you, scanning over your body for any injuries. If only he could see how truly damaged your heart was. “Are you okay?”

You throat closed up as the slow falling tears began to overflow once again as your threw yourself around Saeyoung, wheeping your heart out. The hacker wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you close, whispering the same thing over and over again.

“It’s okay, you’re safe with me.”

He quickly led you to his car, already having assumptions about what may have happened to you and Jihyun. Soon enough, you were on the road to the bunker with your whimpers beingt the only sound to occupy the space.

Until Seven spoke. “Look you don’t have to tell me now, but I’d like to know why my best friend is so distraught, okay?” He asked with genuine concern lacing his tone.

“Jihyun. . . he ch-eated on me,” You choked out before furiously wiping at your eyes as a you exhaled a shuddered breath. “A-And that’s n-not even the best part. . . It-It was with Rika.”

Saeyoung’s head shot to look at you, his eyes widened with deep-dyed shock. He physically could not believe that V had gone back to that black-hearted monster who abused his own brother for years.

“It seems as though I’m not the only one who finds it hard to g-rasp,” You stifled out.

Saeyoung remained silent throughout the rest of the car journey, not wanting you have a panic attack in the seat beside him. He would ask the ten million and one questions he had when you were in his house, relaxed and with a cup of tea. He wanted to wait until tomorrow but he thought it best to get the worst of it over with as soon as possible.

So when he pulled into the bunker, got you out and to a couch, he ran off to fetch you some tea. In the time he was gone, Saeran had emerged from the room with his signature jumper on. He nearly froze when he saw you sitting on the couch with a look that epitomised depression. You weren’t as close with Saeran as you were with Saeyoung because according to Saeyoung, Saeran felt a little weird around you sometimes due to the fact that at a time, he wanted to kill you. But he seemed to disregard that, as he quietly asked if you were okay.

You smiled sadly at him and shook your head, as another onslaught of tears flowed. The twin settled himself on the couch beside you, awkwardly looking at you as he tried to find something to say. Saeyoung came back with your tea, handing it to you before placing himself beside his brother. You took a moment to really look at them together now that Saeran’s hair was now back to its original colour. They both looked concerned for you but you could tell that their lives were slowly becoming more peaceful now that Saeran was back and working on his issues.

“Did he say why?” Seven asked, causing his brother confusion. Saeran didn’t question it because he felt he would get his answer with yours.

“No. He just sat me down and told me he was seeing another woman. I asked him who it was and he told me it was Rika.” Saeran was visibly shocked but stayed quiet, not wanting to start thinking about that woman.

“Did. . . he say about wanting to stay together?” Saeyoung questioned quietly, not wanting to believe that he was actually getting back together with Rika.

“E-Ehm . . .” You paused to try fight the sob fighting its way up your chest, “He actually told me that Rika wou-ld be moving back in with him. . . in two weeks when she’s discharged. God, he only gave me two weeks to find a place before fucking throwing me out.”

The brothers were beyond appalled at how V handled the situation. He told you he cheated on you, broke up with you and told you that you had to move out within two weeks. “Well y’know what? Fuck him, you can stay with us until you get back on your feet again. He lost an amazing person.” It surprised you that this outburst had come from Saeran.

You gave him a gentle smile before thanking the two.

It was the next morning. You emerged from the Choi twins’ guest bedroom with deep bags underlining your eyes and a grim countenance. Saeyoung and Saeran had both woken up early to make breakfast for you as best they could.

“How are you feeling?” Saeyoung asked worriedly.

“Jihyun texted me to come get my stuff. Would you mind bringing me after breakfast?” You asked, the dread crushing what remains of your heart very evident in your tone.

“Of course. . .” He said quietly, sympathy for you flooding him. He couldn’t even imagine the hurt you were going through. He didn’t know what it was like to have a lover admit to you that you weren’t the one who occupied their thoughts and heart.

After breakfast, you and Saeyoung made your way to what was your home literally not even twenty-four hours ago. Not even a full day since your relationship crumbled and slipped through your fingers. Not even a full day since you had told him that he was your reason for exisiting.

When you arrived at the apartment complex, you told Seven to wait in the car not wanting to get him involved with this anymore than he already had. This was between you and V. When you arrived at the front door, you knocked gently having left your keys in the apartment. The door opened to reveal a haggard Jihyun. He had a deep purple underscoring his usually bright but now dull blue eyes. He was pale, almost white and generally looked like he had seen better days.

He let you in wordlessly as he assessed you, probably thinking the same of what you thought of him. You quickly made your way to the bedroom, pulling out your suitcase and began to fold clothes to busy your hands as they quivered relentlessly. This was by far the most painful thing you had ever experienced. You were saying goodbye to something you thought would last until you died. You loved this man. You loved him with every fiber of your soul. He was your everything. He made you smile when you woke in the mornings and before falling asleep.

He filled your world with a new colour spectrum only to whip it away from you just as quick.

You felt used. Your insecurities of being a replacement for Rika had only been confirmed. You couldn’t comprehend it. You couldn’t wrap your mind around why he chose to lead you on.

Your eyes shot towards the door where he stood, watching your every move with what looked like regret deep in his eyes.

Regret for even going out with me, I assume.

When all your clothes were packed and your shoes in another bag, now came the excruciating part. Deciding who gets to keep the shared belongings.

“Uhm. . . Is there anything you’d like to keep?” You asked feebly, feeling a wave of pain spread across your chest until there was a tingling in your fingertips.

He only stared at you for moment, his face blank and unreadable. “I. . . I don’t mind. You pick what you wish to keep,” He said. It was strange not to hear ‘love’ at the end of the sentence. Although, that was because you were not his love.

You walked around the apartment that still beared symbols of your time together. One thing you noted was all the pictures of you together were off the walls making them look empty. You picked up very little; a teddy bear he gifted to you on Valentines Day, a painting he created for you and an engagement gift given to you by Jumin. It was a small statue of a man and woman holding each other close. You placed them all carefully in the bag before making your way back to Jihyun in their bedroom.

As you entered, V lifted his head from between his hands and stood up. You almost wanted to question why he was so sad but you couldn’t even bring yourself to try and care because your own heart laid shattered within your being. “V. . . If it’s okay, would you mind if I had the photos of us together?”

He nodded absentmindedly and left the room for a moment and returned with a photo album filled with your most treasured memories. You held it in your hand as you retreated from the room, ready to leave as you hauled the suitcase behind you. Jihyun followed you out and just before you left, he asked you for something. “(F/n) . .” He started, stopping for a second like he was in battle with himself. “Could I have the ring back?”

He just stepped on the fragments on your heart like it was nothing.

You twisted the beautiful silver band from your finger and dropped it into his, saying one last thing to him before you walked away, “I hope you and her are happy together.”

Saeyoung got out of the car to help you with your bags when he saw you struggling at the door. He could also see that you were crying once again. This was how you were going to be for the next while. Seven knew how much you loved Jihyun. He remembered seeing you look at the artist like he was the single most important thing in your life. And that he was.

You were silent on the way back, and went to her room once they got there. You just wanted to be alone because without V, you felt like nothing. You felt like you were as significant as a grain of sand on a beach.

After you hauled your bags into the room, you pulled out the bear and tucked it underneath your chin as you retrieved the album and began to reminisce all of your times together. Quiet sobs shook your body as you came across the picture of you and V standing together at your engagement party. You thought you could see the love in his eyes but you were wrong.

All of these memories that meant the entire universe to you were only a burden and nuisance to him.

Word of your break-up with the head of the RFA became known to the members quickly. Your phone was flooded with messages offering emotional support and sympathy for you. You appreciated it a lot but it made you uncomfortable knowing that things in the RFA would now be different. Parties would be awkward and filled with despair when they were supposed to fill you with pride and joy.

Three weeks went by and Seven had begrudgingly set Rika up with a new profile at Jihyun’s request now that she was well. You had an idea of what was going to happen and you were sitting idly by until Rika took another thing you loved away from you.

Your position in the association.

When it did happen, the chatroom went surprisingly dormant for a few minutes after. No one knew what to say. It didn’t seem right for her to just swoop in and take your place there too.

But it was you who made the first response. Just a simple, “That’s fine,” before logging off and deleting the app. Saeyoung was in your room no more than two minutes later, only to see that you were curled in a ball on your bed sobbing once more. Saeyoung made his way to the edge of your bed, holding his arm out to let you hug him. No more than a second later, you were buried in his side with endless cries escaping your mouth.

It felt like Rika was doing all she could to make you miserable. First your fiance and then your role in the RFA. One might argue that it was hers to take but with the cirumstances over the past three weeks seemed to make Rika’s actions cruel and insensitve.

“I don’t know why she’s trying to make my life hell!” You cried into Saeyoung’s shoulder.

You recieved no reply in response, Saeyoung at a loss for words for how you were falling apart piece by piece. Jihyun and Rika weren’t giving you any break from heart ache. They were plucking away your most treasured things one by one, it was like they wanted you to break apart irreversably.

It had been three months since your relationship crumbled and you were stripped of your title. To say the very least, you were lost without V. He brought your days so much happiness. Even before you were in an official relationship with him, speaking with him in the groupchat brought you a sense of ease in your otherwise dull life.

So when it all ended, all you were left with was memories and a future you wished would happen. And that was the most gut-wrenching part. That you would never have the life you wanted because Jihyun was the life you wanted. You often dreamed about having children and growing old with him. It became your only want in life and it seemed very achievable for a long time.

But you were wrong.

So all you did was look through your photos together and hugged the stuffed bear close to you. The nostalgia of the photographs had worn off at this point, but you couldn’t let go. The photos and bear were the only thing you had left of your love.

Saeran and Saeyoung worried for your wellbeing. You either slept too much or slept too little, you ate a lot of fatty foods but gained no weight; actually you seemed to look skinnier as time stretched on.

So they thought they’d get you out of the house. They decided that the RFA party would be a good place for you to start. You could see all the members like Jumin, Jaehee, Zen and Yoosung and if you did see the other two, Saeyoung hoped it would be some sort of closure for you. He hoped that you would see V and realise that he wasn’t worth all the pain and suffering. He wasn’t worth the tears and sobs.

You initially didn’t want to go. You knew that if you saw them together, looking happier than when you and Jihyun were a unit, that you would not be able to handle it. But then Saeran made a deal with you. He told you that he would go and you could be a support beam for one another. His social anxiety was very prevalent in his life and he often felt uncomfortable even in small gatherings of people so adding a ton more and Rika to the equation would heighten it by a tenfold. But he didn’t care about that; he cared about you. Saeran had suffered from a very paralysing depression in his life and he would be damned if he let anyone he cared about even feel a shred of depression.

So when the evening came, yourself, Saeyoung and Saeran all set out to the party. You were all restless on the way there, all contemplating all the possible outcomes of the night. But when you made your arrival, you were greeted by Jaehee who gave you a warm hug and a heartfelt, “I’m so glad to see you, Mc. Zen, Mister Han and Yoosung are all waiting for you inside.”

Just as she said, you were practically pummelled with hugs from Zen and Yoosung when you entered the main hall. Zen made a point of letting you know that he was sorry about you losing your place in the RFA. Yoosung just shot you a sad smile. He didn’t want to say anything because his loyalties laid with his cousin. He still had the notion in his head that Rika could do no wrong.

Jumin was still very close with V. However, he didn’t approve of anything that had transpired in the previous months. Jumin knew of all of Rika’s abuse and felt let down that Jihyun was with her once more and at the cost of one of his friend’s hearts.

You caught glimpses of Jihyun and Rika over the duration of the night but Saeran would then be quick to pull you away and to a place where you wouldn’t have to see them together.

But no one in the entire world would be able to prevent from seeing the horror that ensued towards the end of the night. Rika and V had ascended the stage and Rika began to speak about all of her guests and money they were raising. . . And her engagement with V.

“V and I would also like to announce something. As you all know, we were actually supposed to get married two years ago but due to certain circumstances that could not happen. But now we are finally able to do it! Jihyun and I are getting married at the beginning of Spring next year to signify new life.” A round of applause and “aww’s” rang out through then room. V searched for your face in the crowd and he immediately pin pointed the shocked expression on your face, your eyes staring straight ahead of you. “And I organised this slide show to show you how much I love you, V!” Jihyun looked at the pictures now projected onto a large wall for everyone to see.

First was a picture of them in the park together, second was of them holding each other close, another being of their enclosed hands. Each causing pain to erupt in your being because of how identical they looked to some sitting in the album in your room. But they weren’t the worst. The picture that truly made you want to get sick was of Rika in a wedding dress shop, wearing a beautiful gown. Your eyes were glued to the screen in horror, tears welling in your eyes.

You bolted from the crowd, Saeran losing you in the process, and made your way to the door. Once you got outside the cold air swept through your bones as the rain quickly drenched you. You knees buckled beneath you and you let out a frustrated, pained scream as you truly took into account what you had witnessed. And when that reality crashed onto you, you had to rush to the nearby trashcan as you emptied your stomach. When your gags came to a halt and you were breathing heavily, shaky hands keeping you up, a familiar voice caught your attention.

“(F/n).” There he was. He looked so handsome in his suit and you hated that your heart began to race at the very look at him. He looked so worried as he watched you. He looked over your form, seeing what all of his decisions had done to you.

Deep bags, pale face, thinning body and dull eyes.

“What did I do to make you hate me so much?” You asked weakly, wanting to know where the urge to shatter you came from.

“I-I. . . I don’t hate you,” He stuttered, looking like he was genuinely saddened.

A humourless laugh escaped your mouth as you smiled at him through your tears. “Then what was that V? Those pictures looked so alike the ones we had, you gave her the same engagement ring, you guys have the same goddamn theme and time for your wedding as we did, for fuck sake V she’s going to be wearing my dress!” You screamed. The only reason Jihyun knew what your dress looked like was because he didn’t believe in the sentiment of not seeing the bride in her dress. “So don’t you dare lie to me and say you don’t hate me because you don’t just do that to someone! You don’t just take away everything special they had in life and give to someone else and then rub it in the other person’s face! You set out to make my life hell, you and that bitch! So you know what, I’ll give you the satisfaction now. You win, you got what you wanted. I’m done fighting, I have to live my life watching the man I love live out a future that I wanted with someone else. And live with the fact that he hates me and I will never, ever understand why.”

You panted reptetively after your meltdown, leaving Jihyun at a complete loss for words. He had never seen you like this before, so completely hopeless. He could only watch as you shivered in the cold, your hands trying to produce warmth as quiet cries fell through your lips.

“What the fuck did you do?!” An angry Saeran screamed as he ran to you. He removed his jacket and placed it around your shoulders, all while glaring daggers at the blue haired man who only watched you with sorrow.

“I’m so-”

“Don’t even speak. You’ve done enough damage tonight,” Saeran hissed, already walking away with you tucked in his side.

Jihyun shut his mouth, and watched as he walked away with you. In all his years walking the earth, V had never loathed himself as much as he did at that moment. He had to live his life with a girl he didn’t love and know that the woman of his dreams was now disconsolate because of his actions.

“That’s what you both deserve,” Rika said behind him, a crazed smile stretching across her lips.

With that, Jihyun began to walk. And walk. And walk. He walked until he thought his feet would bleed from the pain. Until he was at the bank of a rushing river.

A desolate smile spread across V’s face as he remembered all the times you spent with him. He pulled out his wallet and retrieved a hidden photo. The only picture he kept. The picture that captured him proposing to you.

Coldness consumed V as the water embraced his body, something that truly mirrored him emotionally. It was freezing, dark and depressing. Jihyun finally felt like he had made the right decision for once. This was something that the RFA would be happy for him doing, right?

As darkness consumed his mind, a final thought ran through his head;

I’m atoning for the pain I caused you. I’m sorry.

{Word count: 4464}

I wrote this fic after having thought of the idea in bed one night. I will continue writing requests tomorrow and I hope you enjoyed this!

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