#and whether u want them as ur partner tbh

[raayllum]

clicked for me upon reflection that a lot of the backlash towards callum's treatment of rayla being too forgiving in s4/s5 overall is just... coming from a lack of maturity when it comes to healthy long term relationships (romantic or otherwise). if you love your friend/partner, you should not want to punish them when they mess up - even before they admit that they have. even if you do want to punish them in some manner, because we're all human, you don't because that would damage the relationship and the trust you're supposed to both have in each other.

callum is not going to purposefully punish rayla about anything; rayla quite often holds herself accountable even when he let things go (if anything she sometimes dwells too much on what she's done wrong), but she's also learning to accept grace - and by extension, help (and a lack of accepting help is exactly what led to their main issues in the first place; that was and is on her).

sometimes what's required for relationship repair feels backwards because it can be the things that led to the breakdown in the first place (rayla prioritizing callum over herself in leaving and in S4, because she needs to accept the feelings he does express over her own feelings/wants; callum offering help in s5 even after she's hurt him, because her learning to accept his help is crucial in not having another ttm happening).

relationships are complex. repairing relationships is even more complex. often times our best traits and patterns with one another are also our worst traits and patterns with one another.

and i think it's very cool and refreshing just how well arc 2 rayllum shows that in both its beauty and its hurt and with quite a bit of realism/nuance to boot

[redr0sewrites]

If you desire 😂 please do a Fic of Reader rarely shaving their legs and Lucifer finding out from their first time (sex) or better yet what would Adam think? (I don’t think he’d care since the concept of shaving wasn’t a thing then but still) also I’m sorry I scarred you with the knowledge of bee movie fanfiction 😭💜

AKSJDJEJ DWWW THE FIC MAY BE TRAUMATIZING BUT ITS NOT THE WORST IVE HEARD OF LMAO- also i kinda combined the idea of like not shaving ur legs and also not shaving in general, so it's basically how they'd react to a reader who doesn't shave

🥀Cw: smut, fluff, slight crack, adam being adam (he slaps ur ass)

🥀minors dni

Lucifer

lucifer is def the type to not care at all whether or not you shave, hes such a sweetheart and loves u regardless of your bodily choices

he made a mental note of it the first time he saw it, but didn't mention it because he didn't want to make you embarrassed

if you bring it up, hes quick to reassure you that he doesn't care! its your body, so the choice is ultimately yours

lucifer also doesn't care about body hair when hes giving you oral, he'll go down on you whether you're clean shaven or not shaven at all

in his mind you're perfect in every way, nothing about your body could ever turn him off tbh

soft pants and whines filled the room as lucifer nipped at your collarbone, trailing kisses lower and lower down your body. he fiddled with the hem of your shirt, slowly assisting you in pulling it over your head. lucifer started at you for a second, speechless at the sight of you. "my dear, you truly are divine~" he murmured, pressing kisses to your chest that trailed lower down to your navel. his lips trailed low, slowly and sensually kissing your stomach, so close to where you wanted to feel him. lucifer's sinful lips brushed over the tip of your happy trail that was exposed from your pants, and he pressed a lazy kiss to the area. your hips jerked slightly in response, grinding into his touch. slowly, his hands crept up to the waistline of your pants, his eyes looking up to see if you were okay. "wait," you whispered into the darkness, and he immediately paused. "luci, i haven't shaved.." lucifer chuckled softly, still fiddling with the hem of your bottoms. his eyes flicked back down to your body, then returned to yours as he replied, "i don't mind, my love, whether or not you shave is completely up to you. every part of you deserves to be worshipped," he whispered smoothly, but added in a genuine tone, "if you truly want to stop, we can, my darli-" he was cut off by an insistent shake of your head as you began to slowly take of your pants. "i want to continue," you confessed, blushing as he smiled up at you. lucifer pulled your pants down and discarded them to the side, leaving you in only your undergarments. he hooked his fingers into the hem of your underwear, and met your eyes. you nodded, and he slowly pealed away the barrier between him and your aching sex. he stared at you, entranced and intoxicated with lust as he rubbed soothing circles into your thigh. "beautiful," he whispered huskily, leaning in to press a kiss to your inner thigh. lucifer's hot breath fanned against your aching sex and you whined at the sensational. he licked a stripe up your inner thigh, and you burrowed your hands into his hair. you were in for a long night...

Adam

this man rarely shaves either, so he isn't one to judge tbh

if adam found out during sex that you don't shave he would not care, especially since shaving was not a thing when he was created- if he's attracted to you, you're body hair isn't going to change his opinion of you at all

when it comes to your body hair, he doesn't have a huge opinion or preference, i actually think he would enjoy having a partner with body hair

while he can have a misogynistic side, if you're fem, he would understand that you're body is your choice and i def don't think hes the type to try and enforce any opinions on you when it comes to your body

adam may ask a few (stupid) questions about it but all in all i think he just wouldn't really care either way

you matter more to him than just your body, and whatever choices you make with your body are attractive to him simply because you made the choice

adam's helmet crashed to the floor as he tore it off his head, his hips grinding into yours as you moan, and he pushed you down against the bed with ease. his wings spread above you two, and the flapping motion made you shudder as a rush of cold air fills the room. adam smirks, and you pull him down into a sloppy kiss. his hands begin to work at both your guys' clothes, removing layers until you were left in just your pants and undergarments. all the while, a battle of teeth and tongue occurred as both of your mouths' clashed together in a sloppy, needy kiss. as adam begins to remove your pants, you paused, pulling away as you gasp for breath. "wait- adam, i haven't shaved," you gasped out, chest heaving and face flushed with lust. "do ya really think i care about shit like that babe? i mean, i'm the ORIGINAL dick after all, i can handle some hair~" adam smirked cheekily, and you grumbled at his cockiness. yet assisted him in removing your undergarments. adam groaned, cursing under his breath at the sight of you. "fuck, all this f'me, huh doll? you're so fucking hot," he whispered, ogling your exposed sex and giving your ass an appreciative smack. you moaned, shuddering at the sudden contact and he chuckled. "ya like that, huh? well, theres more where that came from, sugar tits~"

i haven't written graphic smut in a minute and it shows 💀 i tried to make it as gender neutral as possible but ITS SO HARD TO WRITE GN SMUTTTTTT 😭 anyways yall hope u enjoyed!!!! this was sm fun to writeee hehe

[anzulvr]

hiiii!!! do u think i can request a karma x reader or just Class E in general with a bit of a princess complex, i think itd be a bit funny to imagine how they humble reader or just treat them in general ^‿^

thankk uu and take ur time soz if this request doesnt make sense 😭

‧₊˚ ♡ Princess Complex ♡ ‧₊˚

Karma x Reader with a princess complex

+ general E class / Reader This is so cute, ur kaomoji is so cute! ur so cute! now think I have a princess complex... Trying out a new format ✧ fluff ✧ no warnings hdr by yeonkittiz on Pinterest divider by cafekitsune on here.

Princess complex meaning someone with a “pretty” outlook on life, high expectations, and wanting to be treated like a princess!

Ever since you joined E-class there’s always been one thing that stuck out to your classmates, and that was your “princess mentality.”

It’s not a problem when you’re dating Karma because he’s the type to feed into it. It’s not like you’re actually stuck up or look down on people. You might joke about it the same way he acts overly confident about himself but that’s as far as it goes, so he doesn’t see the harm in giving in to you, just a bit!

The negative aspect to having a “princess complex” is your inability to pitch when hard labor is involved. It doesn’t mix well with assassination attempts. This is probably the one thing that bothers the class as a whole.

“[Name], we need you to set the wire trap at the other side of the mountain!”

“That’s so much walking in this heat… and I’m gonna get my shoes all ruined!”

Kataoka has been trying to get you to pitch in a little more, as class rep she feels it’s her job. Whenever she asks you such and say you’ll do it later…and proceed to completely forget about it.

She thought getting Karma to ask would solve things but no you just feel more comfortable straight up rejecting his requests.

“Karma, tell [Name] she has to do something.”

“[Name], do something.”

“No.”

“I tried.”

Terasaka has to drag you all the way there, you’re helping whether you want to or not.

Karma’s usually the one having to push you into stuff you can’t bring yourself to.

Nagisa sent you both out to grab some essential items for the next attempt.

“Why can’t you carry it, this is heavyyyy.”

“[Name] I’ve been carrying your bag for the last 20 minutes, it feels like you drag bricks around.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t sweat it this is light work, but you have to carry something yourself.” (His arms hurt but he’ll never admit that.)

“Alright- I guess I can do it… only because you asked.”

(For once!)

There are classmates who will call you out of the princess fantasy; Terasaka, Maehara (depends on the day tbh), Kataoka.

The teachers, for sure call you out!! Korosensei’s will dote on you but push you to make some effort. You don’t want to spar? He bargains.

“[Name] I know you don’t want to ruin your nails but please participate, if they break, I’ll re do them!!”

Mr. Karasuma just straight out lectures you about how assassination takes getting your hands dirty and takes sacrifice, he eventually gives up and does things your way- he noticed Karma is really good at pissing you off and partnering you up is the perfect way to bring out your potential.

“Scared to mess up your hair? Sounds like a lame excuse, just admit you suck at sparring.”

“YOU’LL EAT YOUR WORDS.” (You ended up losing, but hey at least you swung this time!)

Ms. Vitch is a bit different, encouraging you to continue to have the mindset you do. she adores you because you remind her of herself, she’s got a soft spot! Your #1 supporter. You helped design the assassination uniforms with her.

In contrast there’s classmates who’ll let you live out your princess dreams, Hinano, Isogai (he will encourage you to help out so sweetly it won't feel like he’s trying to humble you when he is.) , Nagisa lets you do your thing, Okajima who’s to big of a simp to complain, Ritsu whose the cutest ever.

With Princess syndrome comes high standards, so Karma’s kind of flattered he fits yours. He’s a bit unsure of himself underneath the front he puts on, having your approval means a lot to him but he won’t admit that out loud.

— sorry I took such a break from posting, please correct my mistakes if you catch any :)

[oct0bra1ns]

Just did my nails and in the hour it took I thought of this so do with it as u please

I don’t know if you’ve ever done anything like this

But like any type of yandere monster recreating your house/ room perfectly and then bringing you there and their super happy bout it and like ‘look what I made! Don’t you just love it? 😊😊”

like a demon? Omgmgmg or some hot vers of boogie man

idk tbh I have a lot of ideas I’m just trying to give u som of my mind

like summoning a demon bc why not? A bitch was bored 🌝 and it’s all scary and shit and you’re just totally chill, “hey man, didn’t mean to summon you- you wanna just like? I don’t know…go back to hell?” And the demon is obv offended

so it follows u around menacingly and yeah

ur his now ❤️

anyways do with this as u please 💕💕 I love ur writing sm btw, I hope the food u eat always taste good and yr pillows are cold on both sides!

Pairing: Yandere Monster x reader Tw: manipulation, mentions of bringing harm to others , yanderes, notes: big brain, the best ideas always come when you're doing your nails tbh and THANK YOU, I HOPE THE YEAR GOES AMAZING FOR YOU. reblogs and comments are appreciated!

CONSIDER, the monster had already been admiring you for a while now, taking note of the style you wear, the food you eat, and trying to find what kind of house you'd like so all these things could add up as a plus point when you finally summon him.

Yandere monster who wastes no time in trying to get you to come home with him but the moment you ask him to go back sheepishly, he gives you such an offended looking, asking you what he lacks for you to try to send him away.

Eventually, he gets you to let him stay, allowing to choose whether you want to stay here or go back with him, either way, he'd making sure you lack nothing and are well looked after. He takes pride in knowing your tastes and admires the way your face lights up when you see what he's done for you.

If you choose to stay here, he changes his appearance to fit the standards of the humans whenever outside but in the house, he has no problem flaunting the markings on his skin and horns. To fit in, he uses his influence and power to build up a company from the ground, one where signing a contract with him means selling your soul for success.

He isn't concerned with competition, all he cares about his making sure you're well taken care of but do not mistake this for him being laid back, he's always at your side at parties or anyplace you go to keep other pests away from you, any idiot who dares to approach you will become bankrupt and deal with many things they've been trying to hide or they will be caught in an unfortunate accident.

If you choose to go back to his realm, the way your spoiled only amps up, being from one of the most influential families back home, you've basically become royalty. Of course, his people are not so accepting at first but seeing as he ranks way over them, they keep quiet, his family on the other hand will adore you, admiring the chaos you bring along with being their son's partner.

Always at his side in every event, not as an object to be admired but as his partner and equal and anyone who tries to approach him about how you make an excellent pet will be made an example of what not to do.

Loves picking out clothes for you that are from his realm, tailoring them to fit you perfectly and making sure that above anything else, you love the way it looks.

Any freedom you had back in the world is basically gone in his world, the people here are horrible, you never know when they'll decide to change their mind and try to show off.

octo notes:hmm, thinking of naming him deimos :p

[blue-jisungs]

holding their hand ♡

author's note. i need to write for my boys more since i kinda neglected them ?!

┆彡 GUNIL [ 건일 ]

ahh this guy :”)

tbh i feel like… he has his hands all over u 24/7

just LOVES holding ur hand

whether it’s during a walk, holding hands underneath the table or just grabbing onto your hand while you’re mid convo with someone

he couldn’t care less by the disgusted looks the guys give him 🫡

he just wants to hold his partner’s hand and ain’t no one holding back this dude !!

but also he’s so so gentle about it

his hands sometimes are scattered with cuts and bruises, therefore are more in the calloused and harsh side

but he holds your hands so tenderly as if they were made out of fine china :(

he just loves u sm

(and i love him)

┆彡 GAON [ 가온 ]

i mean you saw it coming, we’ve all seen the clips where he pretended to cut his hand off

yeah

he does the same to you

will pretend to cut his hand off if you’re the first one who grabbed his hand

but will get annoyed if you do the same when he grabs your hand first…

also will teasingly squeeze your hand randomly

won’t admit it out loud but he loves holding your hand

that’s why he’s not that big on holding your hand while you’re with the boys (because they’ll tease him to death)

but.

will definitely sneak a hand into yours when you’re in a crowd of strangers

┆彡 JUNGSU [ 정수 ]

screaming wailing sobbing

he is so soft and and gentle and tender and and …

will hold your hand no matter what, even if the guys tease him or if they’re ice-cold

like 24/7, even in his sleep his hand will always look for yours 🥹

i feel like his hands are soft and taken care of (?) like he carries handcream and regularly uses it

(he also creams your hands for you, gently and precisely,, like ,, it’s so adorable ;((( )

so due to that fact it’s just… like his hands r smooth okay

will also sneak kisses on the back of your hand/knuckles before or after he interlocks your hands

it’s just such a sweet gesture that has become his habit

… because he loves the way your cheeks redden because of it ^_^

┆彡 SEUNGMIN [ 승민 ]

seungmo is like . . .

acts like he doesn’t really care ?

“yeah you’re holding my hand cool🙄”

but deep inside he loves it and prays you never let go

and if you don’t hold his hand for whatever reasons, he’ll aggressively grab yours and shrug nonchalantly when you send him a puzzled look (´･_･`)

lives for interlocking fingers with you

while he does it, he giggles that there’s no way out now… and truly, there’s not

this man has an iron grip…

at first he was also shy to hold hands w you in the boys’ presence but with time, he actually started to love it

just uses this fact to rub it on his faces that he has a partner and they don’t~

┆彡 JUNHAN [ 준한 ]

my lil shy bunny boy !!!!!!!

it took him some time to get used to it, hence why you always initiated hand holding

he was always kind of taken aback, stiffing and blushing, before finally relaxing into your touch

he loves it so so much and even told you one day because he didn’t want you to think that his awkwardness means he doesn’t like it :(

same as gaon, would prefer holding your hand in private or hidden from the members’ eyes

(or hidden literally, underneath a table etc)

and and

when he wants you to hold his hand he’ll shyly interlock your pinkies first :((

giving you puppy eyes and just hoping you’ll catch on :(((

and it becomes an alternative for you, so sometimes you’ll just link pinkies :((((

i’m actually sobbing and banging my head against the wall he’s so precious

┆彡 JOOYEON [ 주연 ]

now this mf …

he’s so dramatic about it

the first time you held his hand he was like “ew cooties…” “take those sweaty hands off me” “ew…”

but THEN WHEN YOU WANTED TO LET GO HE INTERLOCKED YOUR FINGERS AND REFUSED TO LET U GO ???

yeah um,, anyways,,

it’s chaotic – he’ll gasp, whine, roll his eyes

but then the sheepish grin on his lips gives him away

loves to draw shapes on your hand with his thumb, often spelling some words

(‘gaon is dumb’)

(and you need to stop yourself from laughing because you’d look like a maniac)

or or when you intertwine fingers, he’ll put your hands up and try to separate your fingers from his (?) … and when you’re like having flat palms against each other, he’ll suddenly close his fingers again and trap you,, just to repeat that 😭

to summarise, he’s like … if you gave a dog a ball,, he can entertain himself with your (and his) hands ??

and also couldn’t care less about the boys; just like seungmin, he’ll brag that at least he has a hand to hold

masterlist <3

taglist. @primoppang ,, @dazzlingligth

[k-s-morgan]

Hey ☺️ I hope u are well !!

I joined the Hannibal fandom a month ago and tbh it's the best decision I have ever made, haha.

Sorry for my English It's not my first language.

Ur metas and analysis are very informative and it is helping me understand the story better . I don't know if U have answered it but

I want to know what is love for Hannibal? Ofc he loves Will but for a person like Hannibal what does love mean and how does he love Will?? Also can you give me some examples of how much he loves Will ? Like how desperately if that's the correct.

Thanks in advance. Love u 💕

Hi! Thank you, and welcome to the fandom!

I think Hannibal undergoes several stages of love in the show. I believe Mads' version that Hannibal fell in love with Will the first time he saw him, only I think it was more like infatuation with the idea of what Will could become. Hannibal saw a potential partner in him, an equal, and he started planning a family with him from the very start - this is evident from how he used Abigail as their surrogate daughter to make Will take note of their closeness and think about his loneliness.

The more Hannibal got to know Will, the more solid and specific his feelings became. In S2, I think he's truly in love with the person Will is, but his love is more possessive, more blinding, more selfish. He's trying to be patient with Will, but his own feelings surface and dominate more and more often. This is why Hannibal chooses to willingly ignore the depth of betrayal he must suspect Will is still feeling, why he believes that Will is closer and more ready than he actually is. This is why, upon learning that Will was working with Jack, Hannibal takes it as the ultimate betrayal. He tries to give Will a chance, but once Will doesn't take it, he turns destructive. Nothing matters to him, not the phone call Will makes in Mizumono, not the fact that Will doesn't point the gun at him, not his words about him expecting Hannibal to have left and his "didn't I?" when Hannibal accuses him of not wanting his gift. Hannibal loves him, but his love is dark and more selfish.

In S3, after realizing he cannot live without Will, Hannibal arrives at the final stage of total submission. He nearly killed Will for wanting to take his freedom in S2; in S3, he willingly gives it up just for the chance that one day, Will might come back to him. It's the biggest gesture he could have ever made, the loudest "I love you" he could have said. This pattern of behavior doesn't change after this: Hannibal is willing to follow Will's plan in TWOTL, having no idea if Will is planning to kill him; he doesn't try to fight when Will takes them over the cliff. Hannibal's love became purer, stronger, more selfless. He's still darkly possessive, he still wants Will to stop fighting himself, but he's willing to sacrifice everything, from his freedom to his life, just for the opportunity to be close, whether in life or death. This is what I call desperate!

[firstdivisiongirl]

OH MY GAH HIIII !! I SAW THAT YOU DO MATCHUPS SO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD A REQ FOR THAT BUT W TOKREV CHARACTERS ??? :DDDD i dont mind anyone tbh so dw abt choosing :33

ok i'll just drop some background info abt myself here :33

i'm aromantic + nonbinary, i am an entp 7w6 and i'm a pisces !! i like to draw, listen to music (either metal or just mainstream music i listen to whatever atp) and dance in my freetime !! :3

based on my personality ::

my friends tend to tell me that i'm the embodiment of the quote "dont judge a book by its' cover" cuz on the outside i act like a full on metalhead and really passive aggressive but at home i sleep next to a whole tower of plushies 💀🙏 and i collect stickers of silly little cats and otters (not my fault that they're so cute oml) i'm usually the clown of the group !! i tend to be hyperactive but my emotions change a lot- one second talking to me is like trying to get a toddler to pay attention to your teacher and the other is like trying not to get bitten by a rabid dog (my friend's words not mine). i tend to be a loud mouth srry . . . i do try to be quiet if necessary but if i get excited when talking i am a walking speaker . . . i get rlly excited if my favorite things are mentioned ?! like i would get rlly happy, smiley and would talk about it until i forget to breathe !! i like to consume horror media ?? idk if i can say that without sounding like an edgelord sobsob im sorry . . . i just love consuming those types of media (as a former kid w unsupervised access to the internet-) and i tend to ramble abt them along w other philosophical topics !! i like to discuss abt meaning of life, whether there are other universes, abt the capabilities of the human mind, etc. they're just so interesting!!! :] i guess im proud to say that my best trait is my humor 😋 maybe im overconfident abt this one cuz i just have pretty dumb sense of humor if im being honest frfr i tend to say things out of context . . . i like terrorizing my friends by saying the most outrageous things and overexaggerating them for the fun of it :333 though sometimes i kinda mean what i say

for my ideal partner ::

i'd say i would like someone who's fun to be around but at the same time they gotta be interesting for me to find them fun . . . like they gonna have smth to them that makes me wanna observe them like they're a lab rat being experimented on and being put under observation :33 ppl like that make me wanna see whats inside them and how they see the world around them !! i just love those kinds of ppl aaaaa ik im overdramatic for this one but like . . . i need someone who can handle me- as in my emotions and sometimes my way of loving . . . cuz if i did love someone, i would obsess over them and would dream of dying w them out of euphoria cuz being w my partner is the only thing that keeps me alive and human 😞 i wanna feel genuine happiness and pure bliss w my partner so thats why after that i think we should die together, that way we both know that finally we lived our life to the fullest (in my pov, 'the fullest' means you finally reach the climax of ur happiness/u live to the moment where you're the happiest you've ever been) (idk if that makes sense but that has always been my fantasy LAWD IM RAMBLING) need someone whos as crazy as i am :333 if he aint insane i dont want him fr i need to make him worse /j

i think thats all abt me :333 pls take ur time and make sure to put urself first btw !! aside from that, its ok if you ignore this one cuz at the end of the day its up to u <333 have a wonderful day/night mwah you're super cool

Hello! Of course you can have a matchup. Thank you for the kindness. I would like to warn you that I picked a somewhat controversial character. I hope you like it!

You Got...

Tetta Kisaki!!!

If boy can handle the chaos the is Shuji Hanma, he can handle you!

You wanted crazy...

Would love to see you smile when you get super excited about something! His favorite thing is to see the person he loves happy.

He is really really smart. So you would have very intellectual and philosophical discussions.

Would love that you aren't all you seem. Because he is the same way. You two can be badasses when out, but totally different when it is just the two of you (and Hanma sometimes when he is being Hanma and not leaving you all alone.)

Movie date nights. He'd let you pick it. If you're happy, he's happy.

[abstractlesbian]

Trans stuff + brief mention of sex stuff

Also hair loss

Keep mentally debating with myself about whether I want top surgery or not lately and I'm heavily leaning towards yes even tho I don't have much chest dysphoria anymore (like honestly growing chest hair solved 80% of it for me then stopping wearing bras and wearing more masculine shirts solved another 15%)

Tbh having gay sex this summer made me realize I like touching boobs way more than I like having them lol

And like the cons list is mostly just I haven't had surgery before and I'm being a bit of a wimp about it and I know this is going to be another case of rollercoaster anxiety (when I'm in line for a rollercoaster I get panic attacks and feel like I'm going to die but when I ride rollercoasters I'm fine and I really enjoy them)

The only other con for top surgery and hrt for me is I stress myself out so much about people seeing me as a man and not a butch

But like that already happens?

My hormones already skew towards higher t and androgens and I'm balding and have lots of facial hair and body hair (💛💜 perks of being intersex). I go by he/they professionally and he/him ze/hir with friends & family & in lgbt spaces

Strangers perceiving me as either of the binary genders is whatever. That's going to happen no matter what I do. And as long as the people close to me get it that's what matters right?

And like my remaining grandparents already see me as Boy nonbinary and my sibling as Girl nonbinary which drives us both nuts. Its not like holding off on transitioning is making them or anyone else who chooses to perceive me as a man respect my gender identity.

I guess I'm more worried about how other wlw will perceive me when I transition? But I mostly spend time with other butches and trans people these days?? So that's mostly lingering anxiety from when I mostly knew cis lgb people

And god like this older cis bi woman at my job was onboard immediately when I told her "i know it might not be obvious BC of the facial hair and how I present myself but I'm a lesbian and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman too" she was so respectful and we started hanging out more and she even introduced me to her butch partner 😭

So it's not even like all cis wlw won't get it

Anyway if u read all this thank u for listening transgender ppl in my phone ily

Don't overthink things like me and delay ur transition for years BC u can't make decisions 👍🏻

[duckiemimi]

Huuuge Gojo thots incoming below

Right so im actually gonna send this on anon but i will just say that i wanted to finally be able to share it with someone aight???

Gojo being a virgin or not is just a matter of how you see him at the end of the day and I'll say this, both can work and also the fact that Akutami never mentioned anything about his sex life apart from the very notorious mistranslations that took away all the nuance which then proceeded into a very annoying territory of people portraying him as this womaniser, there is absolutely nothing.

If we follow the story closely, he's anything you can make him to be within the context of the actual subtext and written nuance of his character, in latest chapters it was confirmed to us that all he really ever enjoyed was using his power, to fight to satisfy himself, as if that's the only thing that really got him off, which isn't exactly a far fetch mind. It's implied times and times again that he has no social life or life in general outside his role as a sorcerer, it's essentially his entire identity. He even doesn't stay at hotels and the like, he stays at the tech and sometimes only rents a flat when on missions. Light novels also tell us that he doesn't fool around, he's always working. It probably started right after Geto's defection and him fostering Megumi and his sister. So going off by all this, he doesn't even show any interest in life outside of the Jujutsu world. So if we connect all these, it's really hard to imagine Gojo as someone who will find fulfilment in something as flimsy and temporary as a shallow one night stand. He also has a bad personality, which he himself admits, and when it comes to this, it makes me believe he might have went on dates, tried to connect with people but never went any further because it simply didn't work, whether it was them problem or him or both. And his bond with Geto confirms to me that he wants a connection, he wants a real intimacy and he's hella devoted ngl. So it's not far fetched to say that he'd find more meaning in sex with actual feelings rather than something that will probably leave him feeling more unsatisfied than anything like a temporary high.

All this above listed is why i personally see Gojo as a virgin and tbh i don't think he's the type to care about it yk? Or what someone would think.

So lemme know what you think on this? 😁 again just my personal view and no one's adhered to see him like me but if you do then I'm glad se share the same opinion. 😊🙏

ah, yeah! i really do think that at the end of the day, it all comes down to personal interpretation! i do find ur argument compelling, though!!

i agree; i think sex is just not something he prioritizes in his life, though i can imagine a younger gojo trying it out of curiosity for stimulation, either before or after geto’s defection. perhaps after having tried it, the experience not living up to his expectations, he just…focused his energy on other things. and especially since geto’s defection, perhaps work seemed like a better distraction for that hurt and grief he unknowingly carried. but, hey! u never know!

i also personally think he might just have a better time during sex if his partner could keep up with him and if he felt a “connection” with them, so i agree with u there, too! ohh, and the light novels! i really gotta get on them and actually read them!!

[cherienymphe]

So I’m wondering cause I’ve never been in a relationship but there’s a celeb couple if u even wanna call em that? That are always seen together and I’m talking about even flying out to different countries to be with each other seen at formal events together and all that, but they never seem to confirm whether they are dating or not. They’ve even celebrated thanksgiving hung out with each other’s family’s and so on. I do not care about celebs romantic relationships but I’m so curious as too how one person is on raya seeking a whole partner when they do all that together 🤣😭😭 I I’ll send in the name so ur not confused in the other ask.

I mean open relationships exist. People are perfectly capable of being with multiple people as we all well know. I personally don't think the mystery around whether they're actually dating is important or not bc it's literally just between them. In the age of "situationships" and open relationships and everything else under the sun I really don't think their situation is all that weird or even deserving of discourse 😭 it's giving me the vibe of Tyler Blackburn and Ashley Benson back in the day but the difference is that then I was 15 and heavily invested whereas now I'm 27 and couldn't care less if two people want to confirm their relationship or not bc who would they be confirming it for? Certainly not for them bc they know wtf is up. It's the rest of us that don't and tbh we don't deserve to 💀

[redr0sewrites]

ATSV Characters with a Goth S/o

heeeeeyyyyyy guys 😇 *slowly sliding the 100+ REQUESTS in my inbox to the side to make room for a new special interest*

🥀Cw: none, mostly fluff!!!

🥀Pairing(s): Hobie x reader, Miles x reader, Miguel x reader, Spot x reader

Hobie

he would LOVE any type of alternative partner tbh- he just LOOOVESSS that ur goth and will support you 100%

people who go against societies expectations/standards and don't fit in with the norm intrigue him, and your style is probably what piqued his interest in the first place

y'all definitely wear matching fits sorry i don't make the rules- hobie just can't pass up the opportunity to match w you!!! whenever you go to meetings within the spider society he always brings you along, regardless of whether or not you're a spiderperson and hobie loves showing off you and your style

MAJOR "THATS MY PARTNER‼️" VIBES

look me in the eyes and tell me hobia would not absolutely rock some funky eyeliner LIKEEEEE- he def lets you practice on him and will do your makeup for you too!!!

hobie loves thrifting with you, there is no way he isn't a major thrifter and you both definitely DIY a lot of your clothes

HE MAKES YOU GUYS MATCHING PUNK BATTLE VESTS FOR YOUR ANNIVERSARY, AND MAKES SURE THAT IT MATCHES UR AESTHETIC AS WELL!!

hobie absolutely has BLESSED music taste, but while he usually listens to rock, punk, dad rock, or post-punk type of music, i def see him enjoying more gothic/new wave music- especially if u introduce it to him!!!

i see him enjoying bauhaus, sisters or mercy, scary bitches, etc- he'll also give YOU a lot of music recommendations and help to expand ur taste!

hobie would also accompany you to any protests or conventions that you wanted to attend, and would act as your scary dog privileges

YOU TWO DEFINITELY GO TO CONCERTS TOGETHER OMG. I TOTALLY SEE THAT AS A SPONTANEOUS DATE THAT YOU TWO ENJOY A LOT

honestly hobie is a lovely partner to have if you are goth, and he's not only supportive but VERY enthusiastic about your fashion and lifestyle!

Miles

hes such a sweetheart!!! he definitely supports you if you're goth and asks a LOOOT of questions lmao

miles draws you and your fashion a lot, and will def design makeup or eyeliner ideas for you too!!! while ik this is more associated with punk, i also see miles drawing you a few custom patches and stuff like that

your kind of like his muse in a way, and miles just really enjoys sketching you, especially since you have such a unique aesthetic and such cool outfits

HE HAS DEFINITELY GRAFFITIED U SOMEWHERE‼️

he loves watching you get ready and do your makeup. seeing you do perfect eyeliner wings and heavy makeup in general lowkey relaxes him, and he just loves admiring you

im sorry but miles knows absolutely nothing about goth music or culture, ur gonna have to introduce him to a lot of the songs/bands!!!

while i don't think he's huge on the music at first, i think it would grow on him over time. its definitely the type of thing that he loves because YOU love it, and he sees how mu much you enjoy it so he starts listening to it as well so he can talk to you about it

i think his favorite band would be the cure, and his fav songs would either be boys dont cry or the walk (both by the cure- idk why thats so specific but they just kinda fit his vibe yk?)

miles likes holding hands a lot, and he loves when you wear rings or gloves or something along those lines because it just reminds him so much of you! your hands just feel different compared to other peoples and he just loves how unique you are

if you have a lot of piercings, miles would definitely ask about them or buy you specific jewelry for piercings!!!!

overall, very very cute and supportive about your style!!! (he lowkey gives bi wife energy, and iyk what in talking ab then ily mwah)

Miguel

he's pretty indifferent to your style at first, i don't see him as the type to judge much based on appearances. its your personality that really throws him for a loop, and a part of him admires your dedication to making yourself look how you want to look and truly living to be your best self, regardless of what others think

if you think miles knows nothing about being goth then be prepared for miguel bc he knows NOTHINGGGG- no music, no history, no political views, zero, zilch, nada, goose egg

if he cares about you i do see him being intrigued about your style, and once you two are officially dating is when he'll show more interest in your personal fashion sense

he strikes me as the type to like, NEVER listen to music, so he literally only listens to the music you like!!! he does find himself occasionally humming the tune of some strawberry switchblade song or casually listening to a siouxsie and the banshees song while he works, and over time you influence him a LOT with your music taste. he definitely associates any and all goth music with YOU, and that's probably why he starts enjoying it.

he's a "hand on you at all times" type of guy, and while he is rarely touchy with others, miguel is definitely keeping you close. your fashion makes that convenient for him, and he loves pulling you into a kiss by grabbing onto your belt loop or something of the sort

miguel loves how you look with and without makeup on and isn't afraid to tell you that, however, he really likes it if you incorporate his colors or color scheme into your makeup one day. he'll never admit it, but you keep catching him admiring you with the smallest smirk on his face every few seconds

if anyone ever gave u shit for what you wear and how you dress, especially someone in the spider society, you'd practically have to restrain miguel from drop kicking them across nueva york- he doesn't want anyone to be rude to you , and while he knows you can stand up for yourself, he just gets protective at times

Spot

goth? whats that???

he's lowkey such a nerd, and spends too much time being science-y and planning on how to beat spiderman to actually get caught up on fashion

spot doesn't know how he pulled you tbh, but he appreciates you nonetheless!!! he thinks you and your aesthetic are something to be admired, and will unabashedly tell EVERYONE he knows about you

he will shoplift any clothing or jewelry that you want, and he'll even take you to other dimensions where there are better alternative clothes as well

spot doesn't really have a face to do makeup on, but he'll offer to do yours for you! surprisingly enough he's pretty good at it, though he does work pretty slowly

spot loves fiddling with your accessories, whenever he's standing near you he's always reaching out to touch you in some way shape or form. he loves playing with any chains or necklaces you wear, and will help adjust them so that they lay correctly

he helps you get ready in the morning!!!!! if ur the type of goth to wear corsets, he makes lacing them up SO easy and will gladly do it for you

i personally hc that spot HATES seeing himself in mirrors/pictures, it reminds him sm of what he used to look like, but he LOVES taking photos of you and your style!! whenever you are wearing a cute outfit or have funky makeup on, spot adores just taking photos of you

if you ever did a makeup look inspired by him and his spots he would probably CRY :(

URGRHHRHHRRR I LOVE ATSV SMMMMMMM!!!! this post will DEFINITELY have a pt2 w more characters!!!!! i swear tho atsv literally pulled me out of the most horrendous burnout ever i FELT the artblock and writing block lift off of my body as i watched it. IM SO INVESTED I MADE A SPIDERSONA...

[wildflower-playground]

hi!!! i love ur blog and scrolling through the tags, especially the advice one when im having a bad day, so tysm for that ^^

if i could ask for advice myself, my partner currently just offered to be my cg and im not really sure how to have conversations like that with him T-T. like, what boundaries id need to set and stuff like that bc im not that open about regressing to others tbh. im not asking for an exact guide dw, but more like if u have any idea on what i should say to him. sorry for the ramble, u can probably tell im kinda nervous abt this ^~^"

hello there!! no need to be sorry or nervous, i love getting questions! and i’m so glad my blog has been helpful to you :]

i think what you say to your partner depends on what you want! maybe think a bit about whether you want a caregiver, or are you more comfortable regressing alone? you don’t ever have to agree to let someone be your caregiver just because you’re partners! it’s your regression, so you should be able to regress however is most helpful to you. :]

and of course i’m assuming here that he’s already aware of what regression is (and what it isn’t — ie, anything sxual) but if he’s not that’s another important thing to go over together!!

if you decide you’re open to having him as your caregiver, i would say some important things to talk about would be, firstly, what you both see the relationship looking like! does that mean he’ll be actively playing with you and helping feed you or dress you (or even changing diapers if you use them)? or would it mostly be checking in on you occasionally, making sure you’re safe on your own and feeling okay? in other words, how hands-on do you want him to be and what do you think you’d need help with — and maybe you don’t know yet, that’s okay! just keep talking about it and you can figure it out together as you go.

another important thing to talk about is boundaries and rules. do you think you’d benefit from a few rules, maybe about things like bedtime or tv or speaking kindly to others, or would that be triggering for you? and would your partner feel comfortable enforcing a rule? you don’t ever have to have rules or reprimands, it is truly not necessary if they’re hurting either of you in any way!!

and as for boundaries, just a few ideas to talk about are things like, what will you both do if he’s too tired or unwell to care for you, what you want to do if you regress in public, how to communicate your feelings or needs if you’re unable to speak, what nicknames you both do or don’t like, and how you’ll both handle things like tantrums, accidents, or trauma symptoms.

and also, of course, consider whether either of you have any triggers or other issues that might cause problems, and talk about it beforehand. i can’t stress the point enough that if there’s something either of you don’t feel comfortable with, even if it’s something “expected” in a caregiver and kiddo type of relationship, you can simply ditch that thing!! :]

anyway this got so super long, i’m sorry about that, but i hope it’s helpful!! i wish you the best of luck talking with your partner, and feel free to come back and let me know how it goes!

[asexualinasexualworld]

Have you ever been accused of being judgemental because you're ace, not over slutshaming but over not understanding how real "dating" works. I'm aro/ace and my sister once told me that myself and another asexual she knows are the most judgemental people she knows when she gets hung up on her ex's. I try to be supportive but am out of my comfort zone when it comes to this so my advice is usually to ignore him and the fight was started when she texted him after hating him all week.

okay, first of all, this Q is from years ago now and we would like to apologize for that. we haven't actually been on tumblr in a long time. OP, if ur still on here, so sorry for the extreme delay.

to answer the question tho, b/c we do think it's a good one, no, we've never been accused of being judgmental for being aro/ace, but we do absolutely understand feeling out of your depth when friends ask for relationship advice. and sometimes, even tho no one's ever called us either thing, we do worry that we must come off sounding either judgmental or else very sort of 'cold fish' in those situations, b/c our advice p much also always boils down to either 'u need to ignore ur ex til ur over them' or 'well if this bothers u this much and u aren't willing to talk ur SO about it/already did and they aren't willing to work on fixing it with u, then u just need to dump them.'

which, to be clear, we do actually think is probably technically the correct advice most of the time; relationship problems don't generally solve themselves, u do actually need to communicate w ur partner or partners and work together to solve them. and then, if the issues aren't solvable, or if ur partner/partners aren't willing to do that for whatever reason, then u really are basically just left w the question of whether the issue is a deal-breaker for u or not.

BUT, we also think that is usually probably really hard for people to hear.

we remember talking about romance movies w another ace friend of ours once and laughing about how we both felt like we just didn't understand them b/c it was just so unrelatable to us. as aro/ace folks, it just doesn't seem like it should be that hard to just... not make the choices that always got the drama going in them. like to us, it was just felt like 'is it really that hard to just not sleep w X person? or to stay away from ur ex?' and what we decided was that, while obvs movie and show characters exist specifically to make bad choices in order to facilitate story/drama, that the fact that the genre works for so many people probably means that actually yes, it must be much harder for non aro/ace folks. it must actually be a fundamentally different experience that we're just never going to fully understand.

which is fine, ofc, but it absolutely does make it hard to figure out what to say when a friend is complaining or freaking out about relationship stuff. or how to frame it in a way where it won't accidentally make them feel like u think they're an idiot for having feelings or whatever. we're still figuring it out ourself tbh, and sometimes we actually just straight up ask a friend whether they actually want advice on how to solve/deal w the situation, or whether they just need us to listen and commiserate and maybe join them in bashing their ex for a bit or something, because we can do either thing, but they are very different things for us and it helps us to know which friend-purpose we're currently serving.

so we think the TL;DR here is basically that, no we think ur probably not actually being judgmental, but we do think that since the aro/ace experience (or lack there of) of things like sexual desire and deep romantic attachment is fundamentally different from the non-aro/ace experience, it is often much easier for us to hear a friend talking about a relationship issue their having and ignore the emotional struggle of it in order to see the options for solving/dealing with it, which is probably jarring at best for the other person. like they were looking for mom-friend to listen to them and make them tea and tell them they'll be okay and instead they got dad-friend handing them a toolbox and a trouble-shooting manual. both roles are important, but it's definitely hard to do both at once lol

anyway, we hope u and ur sister managed to work it out!

[ssparksflyy]

OMG BELLS REQS ARE OPEN AAAA

literally any kind of Leo x latina reader please cause im just in love with how you write him

ask and thou shall receive ༉‧₊˚.

leo valdez dating hcs! ✶ ࣪˖࿐ *

pairing: leo valdez x latina!reader warning(s): swearin + gringas this one aint for u pookies ♡♡ a/n: BRO. i had to rewrite this completely twice bcs i kept on forgetting to save it nd it would all delete 😭 also ty girlie ♡

leo valdez, certified loverboy

his lips gotta be surgically detached from you cause damn

this boy loves kissing u

big big fan of u wearing lipgloss/lipstick cause then it gets on his lips nd leaves him all heart eyes

its like his own lil trophy

nd hey it reminds the other girlies that hes taken !! not available !! go find someone else !!

so u best believe u do it w a SMIRK.

best dance partner to ever dance partner

his hands go all over u girl

but that usual firm grip on ur waist omfg 😵‍💫😵‍💫

also does not gaf if he feels like his legs r about to fall off, if u wanna keep dancing then dance he shall

only other people he would dance w are little kids who ask him to ♡

good asf with kids im afraid

he claims that its because their imaginations are still big, hence making it easier for him to actually enjoy having a conversation with them instead of like ... politics ( hes never had a convo about politics )

he so wouldve loved spending time with family if he had the chance :((

he so becomes besties w ur mama tho ♡♡

( if shes mortal ofc )

they instantly clicked when u introduced them to each other :))

ur mom loves how sweet he is nd how much he cares abt you ♡

you left for a second to go to the restroom nd came back to the comadres looking at baby pics

like ?? u left for 2 seconds ??

wdym hes already getting the family chisme shes just met this man ??

its that leo valdez charm or somethin

cause like if ur dads a mortal he also really likes him 😭

ofc hes gotta pull the whole overprotective dad bit first

but once they get talking he slowly gets more comfortable w him :))

he also appreciates how much he cares nd how he puts u first ♡♡

i feel like mortal parents would just care if they treat u right nd are loyal

or maybe they dont nd actually become stricter

....

who knows anyway back to repair boy

THE roses man

his fav flowers

he thinks it romantic its classy and hey who doesnt love a good red rose

he could spend days making you a bunch of metal flowers nd painting them nd make a bouquet

but he gives u a metal flower everyday !!

so u best believe for special occasions he buys u a big ol ramo of roses nd a cute lil plushie or somethin ♡

v cute v cute v that sould be me

u best believe when u move in together

oh yea. ur future is already planned out together

theres always something bomb for dinner

whether its homemade or ordered in, u eat good every night ♡

"but i cant cook!' dw pooks he can !!

he asked ur parent for ur fav homemade meals nd asked them to teach him how they make it :((

best believe u wake up to breakfast made every weekend

nd ofc all he asks for back is kisses ♡

im tellin u. an addict. cannot get enough. its not normal man

youve got a stash of candies in one of ur cabinets for whenever u crave themmm

constantly gotta restock up tho cause they do NOT last

u guys def talk crap in spanish

i mean obviously , who doesnt

but if u desperately need a gossip sesh but r like surrounded by ppl you whip out the spanish ykyk

sigh, i want a leo valdez ♡♡

a/n two: hope u enjoyed !! idk if these r kinda short but tbh im so sleepy nd havent had good sleep at all this week so im ending it here, have a good day/night !!

peace from manhattan,

percy jackson ♡

[4dtk]

Ooo how about foreplay with the jjk men? How do they go about it?

ೃ⁀➷ FOREPLAY W/ JJK MEN 🫶🏼

wrote this w my whole pussy, ironically, my period just came. also i tend to ramble sorry 😓 for disclaimer, i wrote this with the men giving reader foreplay & i used the usual five men for the drabbles i write.

foreplay can be anything u want it to be!!!! / discussions of oral (f receiving), dacryphilia, fingering, clit stimulation, vaginal penetration, mentions of grinding & dry humping, mentions of public sex, mentions of blowjob, oral (m briefly receiving) face-sitting, orgasm denial, overstimulation, praise, degradation, face-sitting, use of toys, 69, n*sfw under the cut

GOJO i think we’ve established is a tease and tbh it depends on his mood on whether he wants to be mean or not and deny you your orgasm. he’s a guy that doesn’t mind not doing foreplay in case of a quickie or sum. and in terms of foreplay, he loves ur parts but another thing is that he LOVES making out. you’re always eating dinner late or running late on errands bc your boyfriend likes to kiss you. gojo likes to have you straddling him, he likes all the small little things before like eating you out or even you giving him head etc. he’ll love it if you grind down on him, moan into his mouth, take the lead and maybe even sit on his face? idk he likes it when you take over for that part and then he can be the boss later on. AND. AND it was always happen when you’re busy with something. washing dishes, watching a movie, getting ready to shower, bro never leaves you alone. i think he loves the switch in which he so easily can make you crumble in his arms. in terms of like giving you oral, he likes to just use his mouth. he slurps you up like a slurpee fr. ok but yeah he likes LOVES the sounds of you moaning and asking him to stop even after orgasming and where he’s non-stop sucking on your clit, juices coating his mouth and chin, looking like he just woke up with ur hands messing up his hair. he’s obsessed. sometimes he’s obsessed enough to take a photo 😭  shame he doesn’t use his six inch fingers but he uses them more to prep you. would say that he doesn’t mind doing it publicly or at home, gets the urge to eat you out like so often ur pussy is tired dude

“fuckin’ love your cunt, baby,” gojo can barely get the words out, slobbering over your dripping pussy like it’s his last meal. he can’t get enough of you, both arms locked around your thigh and mouth groaning into your core. there’s lewd, wet sounds that reverberate throughout the room, and there’s not a word that you could say to deter him from eating you out. it’s his favourite activity after all, “look at me when i’m making you cry and sob, princess,” and your eyes snap right to him, struggling to keep them open from the immense pleasure and soon your lover’s words ring true, feeling tears prick at the corner of your eyes. “p-please… satoru, i’m close! wanna c-cum—” gojo responds to your pleas, fingers squeezing your thighs, hands pulling at his hair. his tongue flicks your clit faster and he damn near loses his breath, “cum. cum all over my tongue, baby.” — but if he dies making you cum until you see stars, so be it.

GETO is mean mean mean. i like him as a soft dom but i think he just has something that makes him deny orgasms from his partner and he does it very well. he makes you beg and plead to the point of crying, but i mean he isn’t too mean to the point of only making himself cum. he still cares about your pleasure and orgasms but it doesn’t mean he just has to give oral and then make you cum, that’s the beauty of orgasm denials <3 if you’re especially bratty that day, you bet he’ll deny you your high for multiple times, maybe even leaving out orgasming until only after he fucks you and then sometimes his soft side would kick in and then immediately overstimulate you. BROOOO. yeah geto is a god in the bedroom and being an fwb with / dating him would be so scary but he knows the ins and outs of pleasure and sex so well that you’d give everything to fuck him again. i would say how foreplay develops for geto depends very much on the mood because for one, he can control himself better than gojo can but at the same time he also has this insane inner feeling of possessiveness that wants to show everyone in the room you belong to him. think of subtler forms of teasing in public, like a vibrator or butt plug up your ass, a hand up your shirt at the back or even grasping your ass. even a collar that acts as a choker / necklace. that possessiveness would make geto drag you to the side and eat you out like no care in the world. even if it was at home, if he smells you wearing his cologne or sees his shirt on you, prepare to cancel your plans for the day! geto enjoys making out but i think he likes groping / grinding / dry humping a lot, which is something that would lead up to eventual intercourse. but i digress lol. oh and if you both smoke, you bet your ass he’ll love a shotgun kiss. geto adores everything that goes on before the actual event, but don’t get him wrong, he loves shoving his cock into u too <333

“crying already? poor baby,” geto coos fauxly, smiling in response when you squirm in bed with the blindfold on your eyes. your senses are limited, your reflexes are heightened, so you jump again when geto presses his thumb against your clit again, now rubbing the bud slowly and gently. “suguru… need you, fuck, please!” he only tuts, removing his hand fully and enjoys the way you thrash around for attention. with hands outstretched, you’re grabbing at wherever you think your boyfriend is, trying so, so hard not to touch what was his; your tight, pretty cunt. “you’re so adorable when you beg, of course,” and geto goes right straight to inserting two fingers into your core together with his mouth that sucks on your clit, making you whine at the sudden sensations. it’s nothing you don’t like, but you’re always unprepared for his thicker fingers. “g’na c-cum— i’m gonna cum, suguruu!” the build-up of geto depriving you of orgasm after orgasm starts crashing down, grinding your hips into his face. and while he loves to see you come undone, he still loves seeing you beg to let you cum, and he’s going to do just that all over again when he finally pounds you.

NANAMI is another person that NEEDS to have foreplay before the actual sex. he’s a pleasure dom and literally gets off of giving you pleasure. would overstimulate you and then act innocent lol. for nanami foreplay comes a lot from seeing you in situations that you would not exactly look “good” in, like propping a leg up on your chair to do a report, biting your lip when watching a tense tv show, things like that. it’s not that he’s not turned on by provocative situations / outfits but he really loves seeing you focused on something. nanami imagines taking your attention away from it by taking your cunt into his mouth and then seeing you struggle to focus, man loves it. the poor guy is always so overworked however so a lot of the times your sessions end after you cum from getting eaten out and then he has to answer a call or something 💀 it’s a bit sad but. and i have to add that usually after phone calls (if he doesn’t have to go on a mission) he doesn’t have the mood, but always. ALWAYS gives you one more as an apology. when you have the time to yourself tho…. ooohhhh pls be prepared. can make you cum 4, 5 times if he wants, with toys, fingers, mouth, simply rubbing your clit, god he loves slapping your pussy too <3 when he goes down on you, he’s either grinding into the bedsheets or stroking himself, bc he loves it so much that he’s the one making you feel like that (and i’m not saying the other wouldn’t but, i feel like nanami’s would be the most obvious). groaning, moaning, and just like gojo, he comes out from between your legs looking like an animal and fucking loves it. oh right, and he showers you with praise the whole time through 100%. FACE SITTING !!!!!

“sit.” you hear nanami say from below him, and as you’re still worried you’d crush him, he pulls you down to sit on his face. nanami dives straight into your cunt, while you struggle against the weight that you think might crush him, and you fight until your thighs burn. nanami reaches one hand to grab your tits, rolling your nipple between his thumb and index. “sit. on my face. stop hovering darling.” and you do, just to indulge your lover for once and he hums, pleased at your decision. you pull on his hair from above, feeling his tongue dip into your hole as his nose nudges against your clit. “kento, i—” you can feel your orgasm approaching, grinding and bucking your hips into his face and nanamo doesn’t stop once until your eyes roll back and your back arches, thighs trembling around his head as he continues to suck. you’re taken by surprise when he grabs your hand, guiding it to his hardened cock and he groans into your cunt, intoxicated on your smell and taste and the way your hands stroke him. nanami’s eyes meet yours as your breath shortens, the smile that you feel telling you that he’s only begun.

TOJI! oh, toji toji toji. he loves foreplay, he loves sex, idk he likes them all equally, and would kinda prefer if you went down on him but eating pussy alwaysssss makes him hard from the get go. how foreplay would start out lol is always from you giving him oral first. he’s obsessed with how you take his cock, down your throat, looking up at him ugh he would kill for it, but now he’s gotta taste you. he needs you on his tongue and down his throat, and dripping all over his sheets. toji loves, LOVES to manhandle. if there’s an obvious power difference (which prob will be considering how big he is), he’ll pick you up and throw you on the bed, ordering you to remove your underwear and sit there all pretty for him. at first, he doesn’t really get the appeal (foreplay, not your pussy) bc his clients had always been quick fucks for money but once he drags his tongue up your cunt bro he’s lost. toji goes in so suddenly the first time that you’re surprised at the sheer force of his tongue, sucking so hard on your clit that your thighs clench up real fast and uncomfortably. and then you have to remind him to look at you too so he can know if you like what he’s doing too, he falls in love with giving oral. ok but he doesn’t give it to you all the time, but you’ll know when you’re dragged away from whatever you were doing to. forces you into positions and always has a part of your body pinned down, turns him on knowing he can easily keep you still. another guy to overstimulate you (but not realise it), he can’t be bothered to deny orgasms bc he’s a simple guy and likes to see his partner squirm and beg him to stop. toji might like mutual masturbation (either you on yourself and he jerks off or you help each other out) but it always dies down on toji’s end because he either gets fixated on watching you play with yourself OR his fingers are too good on you that you stop stroking him. bc of this he also enjoys 69-ing quite a bit, both give & take in oral and he likes feeling you clutch onto his dick faintly when you’re overstimulated and you can’t continue sucking him off. he enjoys it a lot <3

“up, up you go,” you’re left to flail your arms around, asking your boyfriend why he was currently dragging you from the kitchen where you were currently preparing dinner. you have an inkling of what toji wants but, in the middle of dinner prep? it doesn’t take you much to get wet, though, because minutes later you’re crying out toji’s name, fisting your hands into his hair with your whole body on fire from the intense orgasm you just had. “come here, doll,” toji grunts out the last words as he flips his body over, tugging you to crawl over his front. he ignores your hesitance and shoves two fingers into your cunt easily, your slick acting as lube. “toji, toji, f-fuck, please—” he grunts at your pleas, falling on deaf ears as he continues to finger you while he feels your thighs squeezing his head, sighing into your clit when your hand finally wraps around his cock. you try your best to suck him off, mouth taking all of his length into your mouth, bobbing your head, squeezing his length when he hits a particular spot. it’s hard to keep up with toji’s pace, though, speeding his fingers up that you can’t focus on him, fumbling with his cock. “toji, i’m gonna— shit!” there’s whines falling from your lips and squelching noises from your pussy, the knot in your stomach releasing for a second time; your cum stains his tongue and he loves it.. “give it to me, atta girl,” you mewl at the praise and you clamp down on his fingers, riding out your orgasm. at this point, you can tell you won’t be eating dinner from the way toji’s fingers start moving again, but you love it all the more.

CHOSO would rlly enjoy foreplay that develops from cuddling, and i’m talking lovey-dovey stuff that always somehow turns filthy. and you don’t blame choso either bc sometimes you’ll brush up against him and trigger a hard-on. when he cuddles he has very wander-y hands that always want to be on you, whether he brushes his fingers thru your hair or trailing his hand across your tummy he just loves it tbh. i’d say choso is very respectful of your boundaries / schedule bc if you tell him to back off bc of deadlines or reports or is just not feeling it he doesn’t push it (sometimes you wish he did but yknow you still appreciate it 100%). and if youre both in the mood, you’re probably the one to initiate it (bc choso has wander-y hands but doesn’t really act on it – again, respectful) but once choso gets the idea of wanting to go ahead w/ sexual things he doesn’t mind taking over. like gojo he’s sorta obsessed with making out, like something that builds up over time. if youre REALLY horny then he’ll give in but if you have pockets of time in between your work he likes to kiss you deeply, hands on ass, under your shirt and does it several times during the day before the actual event (in a situation where youre probably busy for the whole day). bc choso is a curse sometimes you watch cliche / cringey porn together too, just to give him a taste of the human world and some of its terrible videos and that activity would probably get you both horny. he would LOVE it if you take over during oral, saying stuff like “good boy, you’re eating me out so well,” etc etc and he loves to get praised and give praise back! he also has a certain fascination with the toys that you introduce him to and he loves the vibrator + dildo combination for some reason and adores your faces when he uses them on you. for a short period of time he was sort of envious but he always emerged after with a boner so. LMFAO so now he sees it as a friend and not competition! choso always puts your pleasure first and to him, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t cum <3

“turn up the setting, baby,” you barely get out the words, legs trembling in choso’s lap while the tv show you were watching completely forgotten. leaning back against choso, the both of you could see the vibrator between your legs as he holds it against your clit. “you still there?” choso chuckles, feeling your head dip onto his shoulder from the sensation, hand clutching tightly onto his arm. “y-yeah— feels so fucking g-good…” he hums into your neck, placing little kisses on the skin there. you’re so wet that you’re dripping down onto the sofa, sight momentarily obscured when choso turns your head to kiss you. you’re absorbed into the kiss, and you think everything is perfect as choso takes his time and swallows your moans, and you tease him, too, grinding back onto his hard-on and feel him choke. “thank you, baby boy. love it when you — mmh — make me feel g-good.” you mumble out into his lips, blindly grasping his hands to guide them to your core. “i’ll pay you back when you make me cum, yeah?” you can feel choso heating up, blush adorning his face and you just smile into his mouth, gasping when his fingers are finally in you. “yeah you will, my pretty princess.” 

send ur thirsts here!

[haekiiu]

before i get into my little review, if you will, i present my thoughts while reading this. 🤓☝️

excuse me?? U DONT GET TO FEEL SAD HAECHAN!! UR THE BAD GUY HERE FACK OFF

uh- anger management issues much? like she’s ignoring u FOR A REASON!! DONT PUNCH THE DOOR

OMG FINALLY SET THOSE BOUNDARIES GIRL!! FUCK HIM!!

too late…. she did.

okay now why would u go to tell her “good luck” STFU like it feels like a ploy to make her think abt him on her date- the guy is basically sabotaging her future relationship

damn. jisung and y/n didn’t work out…

_

NOW THAT WE’RE PAST THAT!!

I feel like what’s best for y/n is to cut haechan off completely. she physically CANNOT do “no romance” w haechan, and it shows so heavily when she keeps asking him to do lovey things for her such as take care of her, or when she got scared when haechan tried to treat her the way he treats all the other girls. like if all you guys are, is fwb, you should be okay if he just treats you as a quick fuck, no? like the whole point is that you guys are friends first, fuck buddies next? idk maybe just start calling each other bro and homie then- perhaps that’ll help their situation and help eliminate any potential romantic feelings.

i was honestly thinking jisung and y/n would have something more? but tbh after reading i feel very neutral… if anything, i think it’s better they didn’t work out, (from a storytelling point of view). i say this because up until this point, y/n has been SOOO obsessed with haechan and literally cant function without the guy in her life, (THE DICK CANT BE THAT GOOD!) and is still currently trying to sort her own feelings out in her head, so ofc she wouldn’t be in the right headspace or position to start a new relationship. and also i think it’s very realistic to have potential partners that’s just don’t work out, like that’s totally normal, and then ending off and agreeing on being friends is a healthy thing to do…. maybe… it is if they’re both being sincere, but if jisung isn’t being genuine about it- RED FUCKING FLAG RUN TF AWAY

i also don’t like how haechan was like, “we do things on your terms” but meanwhile they’re in a fwb situation he basically coerced her into? (some of my logic for this is below) like yea, he’s listening to her and doing whatever she says, but to me it’s like he pushed her into a corner with this one… and the line where he said:

“don’t run from it, just take it”

kinda resonates with me in the essence that when y/n finally decided to set boundaries, or when y/n wasn’t fully willing to start anything with him again, he pulls her back in, and just forces what he wants onto her. if they were to truly be following what what y/n said, and doing things on her terms, they would not be fwb right now. admittedly, i do think they might’ve talked and potentially rekindled again at some point, but im still a heavy believer that if y/n had gone long enough without haechan, and gotten past that initial, “i miss him” phase, she would’ve been fine (for the most part). she has an amazing friend, who’s also an incredible support system for her, and in the end, even she can admit time apart from him was good for her, when haechan was more hesitant.

when dealing with a manipulator like haechan, cutting them off and the aftermath of cutting them off, is always the hardest, but if you’re fortunate enough to have a support system that is taking care of you and showing you what life can be like without them, like JAEMIN, you’ll eventually reach a point from which you can heal from. however, y/n jumped back into this situation FAR too early, quite literally picking at the scab without letting it heal fully. like aiya… u stupid….

also, another thing, I HATE HAECHAN! like go away!! don’t tell her “good luck” before her date??? for this moment, whether it be intentional or not, going to see y/n, is such a manipulative move, and is the last thing someone who’s genuinely happy for her would do, and is very much a tactic to get the other person to think about them to a point where it might get overwhelming. not to to mention that this has the markings of someone who’s still VERY possessive over the other person, which he is. ik this sounds funny, i know, but it’s not like they were friends before this, they had a sex based relationship that was romantically charged, where both parties got hurt, and where both parties are still getting over their residual (more like current) feelings from it. i honestly think that doing this is a way for haechan to still control her. he’s obviously not okay with her going on this date, and i’m betting you that if she knew he wasn’t okay with it, she wouldn’t have gone. and just in general, i feel like it’s going TOO ABOVE AND BEYOND to show her that you’re happy for her and rooting for her? like? that’s so odd, who does that?

ANYWAYS i feel like i’m still processing things, so i’m kinda just rambling, but moral of the story here, JAEMIN ALWAYS KNOWS BEST!

(im also lowkey half asleep while writing this so please excuse anything that doesn’t sense)

haechan — settle down (rockstar hyuck) | part 2 of 3

wc: 18k (yay!) genre: angst, smut (18+ minors dni), a bit of fluff warnings: wet dreams, jerking off, fingering, oral (f receiving), protected sex, making out, praise kink, strength kink (? he's strong...) crying during sex, dirty talk, aftercare...? petnames (baby, princess), and ... names needs to be read after part 1 i think! a/n: shorter warnings list lmfao anyway.... i....this took me awhile but i really hope u enjoy this and the way it reads. let me know what you think and please be kind :) thank you thank you THANK YOU to every single one of you on my taglist and if you've sent me an ask, reblogged, or left a comment. i could not have finished this without u

haechan almost always knew of the hurt he caused — especially to you. 

he knew what he was doing each time he showed up around you at a party, love bites staining his skin and hair messy and wild. he noticed the way you recognised the perfume on him with a crinkle of your nose, or the slight flicker of sadness in your eyes when his phone would vibrate against the bedside table, wandering to the names on his phone. he could feel the way your shoulders tensed when he smiled blankly at you, track your movements as you looked away when he was cozying up with someone else. 

and most of all – he knew that beyond that, you couldn't go to him for all your hurt. and that was what would be most painful, the knowledge that everything you had to suffer was unjustified, feelings not tied to reason, because he never made you any promises.

haechan almost always knew of the hurt he caused — and he always hoped that his touch could be a good enough apology. 

all throughout rehearsals, when they took the trip to the venue, back to when he had woken up that morning, something had stirred in his chest. he was never nervous before shows, but this time he fiddled with his guitar mindlessly, wandering over to the bar and ordering just a few drinks to hopefully dull the way his heart was racing in his chest, alcohol burning a path down his throat. he picked at the way his hair fell over his eyes, re-doing his makeup before the show with the black eyeliner that he couldn't hold without thinking of you. his bandmates watching him carefully, not knowing what had changed. he wouldn't be able to tell them if they'd asked. 

it was only when the girl in the bathroom had stumbled away on shaky feet, leaving one last slick touch on his arm as a goodbye, when all his feelings that had ached in him that day came crashing down in his chest, that crushing weight he couldn't ignore each time he tried to breathe. 

you had kissed him — and it felt like a promise. 

it was this thought that now stung at him, as he watched the numbers on the screen of the elevator flick higher and higher. he had made his way to your apartment as if on autopilot, driving down streets now too familiar. he always knows the hurt he causes you — and he feels it now, like retribution, because even now he has no right to be angry at you. no right to blame you for his hurt, because while he had never made you promises, in reality you hadn't either. 

but the reality was he was here now, knocking on your apartment door. 

"y/n?" 

there's warm light seeping out under your apartment door, he can see all your shoes on the rack outside. jaemin's not home, but you definitely are. 

he knocks again, a bitter taste in his mouth. 

"y/n, i know you're home." 

his hand curls into a fist, and he hits it against the door, twice. he thinks he can hear something beyond the door, a clink of something like keys, so he raises his voice, the tone of it rough. 

"are you happy now?" 

mark has told him he gets vindictive when he's hurt or scared, has urged him to think before he speaks. 

"does it make you feel like you have the upper hand? standing me up?"

but haechan can't distinguish what he's feeling right now. 

"because i don't care at all," he spits, lies he'd never rehearsed, the alcohol mixing with thoughts he didn't even know he had, to inflict the cruelest hurt. "at least i know the girl i fucked didn't feel any different." his voice dips low, cold freezing over each syllable. "i hope you know even if you went, i still would've picked her. it didn't make any difference." 

the night is still, and quiet. his words seem to swell in the air, ringing around in his head. he stands in front of the door, head lowered, hand still lingering on cool surface, breaths dragged out of his lungs painfully. he waits for so long, that he wonders if he was speaking to no one at all — if you'd been asleep, if he imagined the sounds beyond the door.  

but then there's a soft click, and the door drifts open. 

the moment haechan sees you, he feels it like a shot to his chest, because something was terribly wrong. 

it's not just the tears running down your cheeks. 

your face is blotchy and red, dark circles under your teary eyes, your hair mussed up and tangled. you're wrapped in layers of clothing despite the cool summer night, your body still trembling with cold, and when you speak, your voice is so hoarse and broken that it makes goosebumps break out over his skin — and an achy tone he never wanted to hear from you ever again.

"it didn't make a difference?"  

his lips part. he tugs on his jacket, trying to to close it, to pull up his collar a little higher, but it's too late — your eyes are already reading the marks on his skin, drinking in every last detail of him. 5 minutes ago he had wanted nothing more than for you to open the door and see him exactly like this — lipstick smudged lips and fucked out eyes, the smell of fake roses clinging to each fibre of his clothing, the rips in his jeans tugged this way and that.  

and all at once he knew — you had wanted to go, and he just accused you of the worst thing. you were going to go, and now he was forcing you to look at him like this. if the trip here made him feel vulnerable and bruised, he knew it must have felt like this for you too on the nights he didn't ask for you — the two of you sharing feelings that you weren't supposed to have, that you couldn't justify.  

now haechan sees the way your face crumples, tears gathering on your waterline. you lift your hands to wipe them away, and it's like he can feel the way your chest shakes with wounded sounds and choked sobs, your fingers clenching into fists as you bite your lip to keep from bursting into tears.  

"y/n-" he breathes. "are you…is everything —" 

"s-so you didn't mean it? when you invited me?" you're trying to steady your breathing. every second that passes where he's watching you fall to pieces in the doorway feels like it's searing into haechan's skin, the heavy feeling in his chest increasing tenfold with guilt. he swallows, as he watches you take a few deep breaths. "i thought… i thought it meant…when you invited m-me you said you weren't making empty promises —" 

"i wasn't." he bites his lip, taking a step towards you. "y/n —" 

but you back away. "i was going to go, haechan. i was really going to go –" 

"i know." he knew now. 

" — but i've been sick since yesterday, and it wasn't getting any better, i couldn't leave the house –" 

"why didn't you tell me?" he desperately wants to run away, but he knows it's worse for you. 

your voice is small. "i don't have your number."

it had slipped his mind. it was something so stupid, something so small – how he never wanted to give you a way to talk to him, or give himself an easy way to access you, didn't want things to be too easy. all of it had slowly built up to that feeling each time he glanced at his phone that night, clutching the lifeless device in his hands. 

the last thing he should do, if he ever wanted to see you again, is blame you. he bites back his question of why you didn't ask jaemin for help, wrapping his jacket around his body self-consciously, running a hand through his hair.  "i forgot," he whispers. hurt flickers across your face again. 

"i d-don't know why i thought this would be different." you wipe at your face, biting your lip again to keep from trembling. "i hoped that maybe, even if i couldn't show up, you'd come here and take care of me. when i heard you outside the door…" 

the words have a bitter bite to them, and you spit them out like you hate the taste in your mouth, hate every memory associated with his care. 

"i'll take care of you," he pleads, quickly, stepping towards you. 

he doesn't know what he expected, if you'd showed up. maybe he'd play for you, and leave with your hand in his. maybe he could have taken you in his car, or in his soft sheets at home. brought you out for a late dinner, sit with you and let you pry him open as you always did. or maybe he'd say nothing at all, and nothing would have changed – he didn't know. 

his touch has always been his apology, always his way of reaching you through the only sure thing the both of you wanted from each other. but the look on your face tells him that the brush of his fingertips against your skin is only cruelty. 

"you're fucked up if you think i'm letting you take care of me now," your voice is grating, rough on his skin. 

"but i-"

"you'll hold me like this? force me to stare at the marks on your chest? breathe the perfume that isn't yours?" your tone is harsh and accusatory. he takes it all. "what were you going to do, if i showed?" 

and for once, haechan can't help but be honest. "i don't know," he mumbles, and he sees the words hit you like a strike to your face.

"you knew i wanted more," you whisper. "you knew i wanted to be close to you, but you always…you always –" 

"wanted?" he asks, quietly.  

"you can't think i still want to know you, after everything. whatever person lies behind all that…" your tears have stopped, your voice unfeeling. the numbness in you mirrors his own. "i want nothing to do with him." 

he can't think of anything to say. he reaches out a hand, and for a moment you let his fingers graze your arm, fear and hurt in the way they curl around your wrist, begging you to hold on to him too. you're scaring him, and he doesn't know how to go back, but he knows he deserves everything you're saying to him. deserves the way you shake free of his hold and close the door, his feet stumbling over themselves as he backs away. 

you said you didn't want to know him, that you didn't know him at all. but he can't help thinking that's not true, because you knew him enough to know exactly how to hurt him through the walls, through the boy he pretended to be, right through his chest and past his ribcage, right into his aching heart. 

—

ever since your fever broke, your life had been quiet. 

you go to all your classes. you cut down on coffee by getting sleep at night. you take walks with jaemin around the neighborhood, falling back into old routines. movie nights, and grocery trips. he was coddling you, and you felt it every day — coming home to warm meals, the way he was more forgiving over little disputes. you didn't deserve it, watching him slip out of the front door quietly, camera bag slung over his shoulder. 

you didn't deserve it, because you ached to follow. 

some part of you was still trapped inside your room, heady and aching, desperately trying to reach him. needing his apology, needing him to recognise the way he hurt you. you couldn't look for answers in your memories, but you played each scene back in your mind like a looping film reel, letting images suffocate you — his jacket falling open, love bites marking his skin, all the times he's slipped from your grasp. and yet, other fragments come back too — the warmth of his hand on yours in the car, the slight tilt of his head as he brought his gaze level with yours, seeking you out when things got too much. his quiet answers in the dark, the slow smile that spread across his face that made you glow, knowing you'd made him happy. 

"he got off lightly," you tell jaemin one night, the both of you on the floor by the couch. ice cream and wine drip condensation on the table-top, and the both of you are too heavy with the rush of sugar and alcohol, the clock ticking in the silence of the room as you sit.  

"you just want to see him again," he'd replied, quietly. "don't you?" 

"i just wish we could have talked." your voice is small. you and haechan never truly talked, except for some nights in the dark, lying in his arms afraid to breathe, afraid of breaking the tenderness that swelled in the room, afraid of turning on the lights to see who you were holding in the shadows.

"and then what? you'd be together?" jaemin glances over at you, and the concern in his eyes makes you shrink back even more. you were supposed to be doing better. everything in your life was right, it was exactly the way it should be — but why did you feel empty? 

"then i'd at least have closure," you mumble. "i'm never going to get any answers unless i talk to him." 

a brief expression of discomfort crosses jaemin's face, but it's gone when you blink. 

"i just don't want you to see him again, and forget all the ways he hurt you." 

you don't say a word. both of you knew that it was something too likely to happen. 

—

it's dark in haechan's room. the boy liked it shadowy, black-out curtains drawn over the windows, the air cool from air-conditioning, an air humidifier spewing light blue mist in the corner. the boy sitting in bed had his guitar in his lap, picking at the strings quietly, his phone face-up on the bed next to him, recording his ideas. he was swaddled in a large hoodie, swallowing his frame, shorts riding high on his thighs as he curls into himself. 

he doesn't look up when mark shuffles in, closing the door behind him quietly, blinking as his eyes adjust to the low light. 

"jaemin's outside." 

haechan nods. "i heard you." his voice is a soft sound, boyish. mark has heard it enough growing up, that he knows haechan is scared. he knows haechan is waiting for answers, waiting for the verdict.

"he says he'll only continue to work with us if you stop seeing… y/n." 

the name trips in his mouth, clumsy. it feels strange to use it, especially around haechan, who knows you more than any of them do, like he's saying something he's not allowed to, a boy using an expletive he doesn't understand. haechan's body tenses when he hears your name in mark's voice, predictable, almost laughable — the slight tightening of his nimble fingers on the neck of the guitar, slip of his fingers on the guitar pick. 

"okay." and the boy goes back to playing. 

"you'll stop seeing y/n?" 

"yeah." mark moves closer to the bed, sees haechan's lower lip caught in his teeth. 

"haechan, stop." 

the boy shakes his head roughly, plucking at the strings a little harder. 

"what happened? what happened between you and y/n?" 

"i'll stop seeing her." 

"stop acting like i don't know you," mark mumbles, finally sitting down on the bed. haechan stills, as mark pulls the guitar away from him, his hands going limp as he lets mark set it down at the foot of the bed. "i hate it when you do that."  

"i'm sorry." a beat, then haechan buries his face in his hands, pulling at his features, before letting his arms drop down to the bed again. "could you…could you at least tell her?" 

"tell her what?" 

"that jaemin told me to stay away." haechan fiddles with the hem of his shirt, head still lowered. "i…i shouldn't be the one avoiding her. she should be avoiding me." 

"is there a difference?" 

"yeah." he mumbles his words, plush lips barely forming each syllable. "because i hurt her. i can't hurt her and then ignore her…that's…that's not right."

"so you want to keep seeing her?" 

"i just want…" his voice is hollow, and when he looks up at mark — the dim light in the room catching on the features of his face, mark can finally see the way his lips were raw, skin torn and bitten. his eyes, usually sharp and piercing, are puffy and swollen from crying, dazed pupils blinking up at him. "mark, i don't think i've ever hurt someone like this before."

mark wonders what he could have done, but he doesn't ask. "do you want to make it right?" 

"i don't know how." he swallows, throat bobbing. "i don't know if i can." 

"maybe avoiding her isn't the best thing…" mark starts, putting a hand on haechan's arm, but haechan flinches. 

"the band will kill me. jeno will kill me." mark opens his mouth to argue, but already haechan is leaning back against the headboard, head lowered and looking down at his lap. "i'll do it. i won't see her again."

"it'll be fine" mark reassures, softly. "in a few weeks, after a few more people, you'll forget all about her." 

neither of them really believed it. 

—

as jaemin sits on the couch — jeno sprawled on an armchair with jisung perched on the armrest, mark sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him, he thinks about how these boys have become his close friends. he fits in with them in a way he never has with his other clients — evenings spent photographing them, understanding them through the lens of his camera. cycling trips with jeno, bringing out mark's competitive streak as they drank in the kitchen, babying jisung and taking care of him when the other bandmates weren't around to do so. 

and of course, getting to know haechan — teaching him how to use a camera, chatting with him easily about the city. if jaemin was to be honest, haechan intimidated him a little with how guarded he was, every sentence he spoke to jaemin felt like it'd been turned over a million times in his head, each word careful and poised. he also disappeared for long periods of time, sometimes never there during parties. 

now jaemin knew what the time had been spent on. who he'd spent it on.

"we're really sorry." it's mark who speaks up first. jisung nods in agreement, while jeno looks on. 

"i don't need you to be sorry," mumbles jaemin. "it's not your fault." 

"still…" mark scratches the back of his close-cropped hair tentatively. "he mentioned it."

"what did he say?" 

"he didn't tell us everything," jisung says, voice hushed. his hair falls over his eyes as he ducks his head in thought. "mostly just told us to stay away." 

"did he sound like he wanted them to be exclusive?" 

mark and jisung exchange a glance, but it's jeno's voice that answers just as mark's lips part. 

"no." when jisung bites his lip, jeno raises his eyebrows, annoyed. "are you kidding? he just said he fucked her more often, and that we should fuck off." 

jisung looked wounded. "he didn't say that." 

"but that's what he meant." 

"mark?" 

jaemin calls out to the boy, bringing him out of his thoughts. mark was staring at his own hands, a frown creasing his face.

"haechan agreed," he says, slowly. your name lingers on the tip of his tongue as he says it, like he's tasting the sound, the unfamiliarity of it in his mouth. "i…i think i might know what's going on with haechan, but it's up to him to explain, not me." 

"so he won't see her anymore?" 

the words come easily to jaemin. he knew it was the deal he was going to make the moment he texted mark to ask if they could talk. he was willing to lose his growing friendship with the rest of the boys if it could give you peace, if all of you could go back to the way things were. 

he think back to how he found you — struggling to head out of the door the previous day, barely able to make it to the door, the fever burning up your brain and making your bones ache. he thinks of coming back home to you after he'd went to the pharmacy to get you medicine, slipping his shoes off at the door and immediately knowing that something had changed, from the tears streaming down your face. 

"how did this happen?" 

"he came to see me" you mumble, struggling with the sleeves of the thick sweater you were trying to pull your arms through. the moment you straighten, you wince as a dull pain throbbed through your head, hunching over again as stars blinked in your vision. 

"haechan?" 

he sets down the bag of medicine on the kitchen counter, picking up the thermometer and pointing it at your forehead. the light on the screen blinks red, and his eyebrows furrow, the displeased expression on his face only growing stronger. 

"why did you open the door?" he asks, slowly. "i thought we talked about this." 

"i thought…." your voice is scratchy, as pressure seems to rise inside your skull, pain that made your eyes tear up. it's laughable that you thought he would take care of you, and instead he ripped you to pieces. tears well up in your eyes again, and your lips part, only to let out a small sob. 

he grips onto your arm, gently but firmly, steering you back towards your room. you don't have any strength to fight back, it felt like the temperature in the room was at freezing point even though jaemin was only wearing a thin shirt and shorts, and the ache in your bones made every movement shoot pain through your nerves. even after lying down on your bed, swaddled in blankets, the dim light slightly easing the pain in your head, you were too weak to lift your head, stretching your fingers out over the blanket and crawling towards where jaemin's hand rested on the sheets. 

he held your hand and listened to you talk, knowing you needed to let it all out. he didn't judge, he didn't make faces. just listened with his eyes closed as you told him about meeting haechan, the way he pulled you away from everyone else and how you'd followed. he observed you quietly through his lashes as you sniffled, breaths breaking up your words. 

the story got harder to tell when you recounted moments of his tenderness — when he'd call you his, when he took care of you, when he'd promise to be harsh with you but never went through with it, the way his face fell when you cried. you stuttered and hesitated through it all, because you didn't know if any of it was real or just imagined.

jaemin knows he could have hurt you further — broken every last illusion, pierced through the image of haechan you had in your head. but he didn't have the heart to, so this was the best he could do — making sure it stopped. 

"it's done," mark nods, but he looks unhappy. 

jaemin doesn't feel the weight lift from his chest like he thought it would. he feels jisung move to sit next to him, a hand on his shoulder as he observes his face. 

"i'm really sorry," he mumbles, lips barely moving. 

"it's not your fault," jaemin replies, leaning back against the cushions, letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. 

—

haechan is dreaming again. 

except it's more memory than dream, the way you're laid up against the pillows, fingers tangled in his hair as he leaves kisses on your inner thighs. it's so vivid, the way you taste, the twitch of your muscles as you tense around him, the small gasp as he pulls away to sit back on his knees. 

"please-" you whimper, needy from being teased. scrabbling, you bring your knees to your chest, hands trembling as you hook them on your thighs, tears smearing your cheeks with a dewy glow. you were trying to keep your voice quiet, small sounds barely escaping your lips as you bit down on them, pleading with him through murmurs and barely coherent words. his shirt on your body crinkled everywhere from how he'd been grabbing at it, the long sleeves falling over your palms. it was straight out of a wet dream, which it now was, as you begged him to fuck you, your wet folds slick with spit and arousal as you bared yourself to him, pleading with him to sink into you. 

in memory, he croons. he gives you what you asked for — pressing your weight into the mattress as he pushes into you, feel you pulse around him as he goes in hard and deep, feel your body trembling against his. 

but in dream, he can be honest enough with himself to admit that it scares him when you cry. that his stomach twists when he hears you beg, like missing a step on a staircase, a second where he's rushing into nothing — not knowing if he'd made you like this, not knowing if he was hurting you. from the girl shaking against him, clumsy hands finding purchase on his shoulders, and you now — hips rocking into nothing, desperate for him. 

"i'm here," he whispers, gently taking your hands and slowly lowering your legs down to the bed. he kisses you until your breathing calms and slows, your hands now on the sides of his face, caressing his cheeks. he likes how you touch him as if you could ever bruise him, loving brushes of your fingertips, urgency making your fingers curl into his skin, hesitant scratches on his shoulders that your hands skitter away from. 

in dream, he pushes into you slowly, watching the way your lips part, breath caught in your chest, eyes fluttering closed as you take him in. wet sounds fill the room as he begins to move his hips, your face shyly tucked into his chest, your ankles sweetly hooked against his lower back as you melt together. the feelings in his chest intensifying the pleasure he feels from you wrapped around him. his eyes meet yours as you blink up at him, and it's so real — the way you glow against the sheets of his bed, eyes all soft and sparkling with tenderness. 

but then he wakes in the same bed: the feeling of you under him, the crash of his heartbeat in his chest, all of it hanging in the dark, a lingering tattoo on his body. 

—

so it's almost like a dream, when he opens the door to the stranger's bedroom, to see you slumped on the floor. 

the din from below echoes through the hall, the sounds of the overwhelming crowd seeping into the room and reminding him of why he was here. he'd been looking for a quiet place to be alone — the constant eyes on him making him feel self-conscious and jumpy. 

back at the apartment, jeno had said he wasn't being like himself, that he hadn't been himself in a long time, the memory of his laugh ringing in haechan's ears as he climbed upstairs. when has a crowd ever bothered you? when have you ever hated attention? 

he didn't know the answers. 

now haechan stands in the doorway, not believing his eyes. there was no way you'd known he would be here, alone. you're curled in on yourself on the floor, leaning against the bed with your knees tucked to your chest, eyes shut. your body is still, and for just a while longer he lets himself watch you for just a moment — drink in every single detail he'd missed even if it felt like teasing open his own wounds with fingers caked in salt. the rise and fall of your chest, your hair mussed up and falling over your face, the slope of your shoulders, your arms. 

and suddenly he's back in his bed, your weight the only thing he was sure of against his chest, drunk on the soft sounds you made, lips barely forming his name. 

you don't know he's here yet. he could walk away, leave you by yourself. but something in him told him he couldn't leave you like this in the middle of a party, barely conscious in a stranger's bedroom. before he knows what he's doing, before he can fathom the consequences, he's kneeling before you, slipping his jacket off his shoulders and draping it over your body. you reek of alcohol, stirring when you feel the weight of the leather on your body, your tongue numb and heavy in your mouth, eyelashes feeling stuck to your cheeks as you struggle to open your eyes. 

"y/n?" haechan whispers, choking on the sound of your name. 

"haech-" you trail off, fingers coming up to rub your eyes sleepily, the jacket slipping slightly. "haechan." it's the way you say it, like your tongue is too afraid to form the syllables, like something you can't bear to say. 

"i-i'm going to find someone," he mumbles, backing away from you, clumsily trying to get to his feet. "you stay here, i'll –"

"don't go-" the words almost get lost from the way you're slurring, lips barely moving, shaking your head as you reach for him again. your fingers slip on the sleeve of his shirt, before curling and holding on tight. "please don't leave." 

"i…" pain flickers over his features. he bites his lower lip, body moving towards yours instinctively, your hand crawling up his sleeve and grasping for his arm, fingers digging to the bone as you tremble. but then he feels your breath on his neck, and he pulls away again. 

"what happened, y/n? did someone hurt you?" he feels like a hypocrite. 

"no," you say, meekly. "i think i just had too much to drink." 

"did you come with jaemin?" 

you shake your head, nuzzling into him in a way that makes his heart pulse painfully in his chest. "i don't know anyone here." 

he still thinks he should get help from any of the girls downstairs. even as you meld yourself a little closer to him, he's almost certain you wouldn't be acting this way if you were sober. 

"y/n, i can't. please just let me call jaemin–" 

"want you here." you reach for him again, trying to pull him impossibly closer, fitting his body against yours. "don't want jaemin to see me like this." 

it dawns on him that besides jaemin, he was the only one you felt comfortable around like this. it wouldn't be the first time he's taken care of you when you were vulnerable or weak, and his body reacts out of habit — pulling you into his arms, his hands gently patting your back as you blink back tears in the crook of his neck. but it still didn't feel right, knowing he was the one who had caused this, and yet he was here holding you.

"let me talk to someone downstairs – i'll see if they can take you home," he murmurs. you bury your face deeper in his neck, shaking your head. "just 5 minutes, okay? i just need 5 minutes —" 

"don't want someone to bring me home," you rasp, and his gut twists painfully when i feels your tears damp on his skin. "i don't want to go back to my place. i want to go with you." 

"you're going to regret this," he says, softly. to him it's the truth you're not sober enough to see, even if it hurt to tell you. "you don't really want this, y/n." 

"is it because you want to find someone else?" your words are soft-edged, lips forming the words carefully, but it pierces him all the same. "is it- is it because you want to bring someone else home?" 

"no," he answers, quiet. "i haven't…not in a while." 

"so you just don't want to be around me?" 

his mind is racing, desperately trying to think of how he could help you, but his mind was coming up with nothing. that same feeling he always had around you — protectiveness intersecting with the ache in his chest everytime your eyes met his, all of it roaring in his ears, louder than the cacophony from any party. for all the times he's claimed he knew what was good for you, he's begun to realise that he has a terrible grasp on how not to hurt you. 

"you don't want to be around me," he corrects, but his fate is sealed when you let out a small sob, muffled against his shirt. 

and he takes you home. 

—

you watch him through your lashes, as he swipes a cotton pad on your face, cleaning off your makeup. 

"close your eyes," he mumbles, a slight pout forming on his lips from how hard he was concentrating, trying to be gentle with you. his touches are far too light, and you're sure your makeup is still on your face, but you let your lashes flutter shut anyway, feeling a featherlight brush against your eyelid as he holds it against your eye. dropping the used pad into a small bin, he brings a warm, damp towel up to your face, the material of it soft against your skin. 

"can you brush your teeth?" he holds a toothbrush up to your face, but he withdraws it once your hands come up to hold it, completely misjudging the distance and landing on his shoulders instead. "open," he coaxes, parting his own lips so you'd mimic him. he smiles fondly as you open your mouth wide, a hand coming up to hold your face in place. "good girl," he mumbles, and you preen at the praise that shines through your drunken haze, following his instructions to rinse out your mouth.  

there's a short pause. having brushed out your hair, removed your makeup and brushed your teeth, the only thing to do next was to get you to bed. 

your legs squeeze around his hips, your back against the mirror on his bathroom counter. "haechan," you mumble, tipsiness making you swallow your words. "don't…my clothes…" 

"i'll leave them on," he promises, ignoring the way your tight dress looks uncomfortable and unclean to sleep in. "don't worry." of course you don't feel comfortable around him, not after everything.

but for some reason, you're shaking your head, two clumsy hands closing in on one of his and guiding them to your back. "take them off. please–" you add, when he hesitates. "please help me."

"of course," he murmurs, familiarity sparking in his fingertips as they grasp for the zipper, a sense of dejavu in how he drags it down your spine slowly, your back arching slightly. you look at him, drink in the proximity like the first taste of rain after a heatwave — the pretty cut of his eyes, the way his pupils float upwards as he focuses on your back through the mirror. the round tip of his nose, and finally the plushness of his heart-shaped lips. it feels like reprieve, the ache in you finally soothed by the way his breath fans over your cheeks, a gentle balm on an open wound. you lean forward slightly into him as if drawn by a magnetic field, one of your hands coming up to trace the arches of his cupid's bow. 

"y/n?" you can feel his lips move, soft like rose petals on your fingertips. "what are you doing?" 

"you haven't called me baby all night," you blurt out. "or…or princess." your thumb dips to brush against his lower lip, before he's catching hold of your hand and pulling it away from his face gently. 

"i shouldn't," he mumbles, pressing a light kiss to your fingertips before letting go. "i can't."

your dress has gone loose around your body, and you push the sleeves off your shoulders with your hands, letting the fabric drop to your waist. you observe him, watching the way he swallows, throat bobbing when his eyes dart to your chest, lace draped over your curves. 

"haechan," you murmur, but then he turns, hands now fumbling with a pile of his clean clothes. he holds out a clean shirt to you, bunching it up at the collar to slip your head through it, but you stop him with a hand on his chest. 

"i want that one," you say, softly, pointing to a long sleeved shirt you'd remembered wearing before in the room he'd shared with the boys. something flickers in his eyes, his hands curling into fists before he picks it up. he's putting it over your head, the soft cotton hanging off your shoulders, his hands coming close to your body to guide your arms into the sleeves, until you can't take it anymore. 

"haechan, don't you want me?" 

his lips part, his hands stilling, slowly unfurling his grasp on you and placing his palms on the counter. "y/n…" 

"why aren't you-" you look up at him, biting your lip, your tongue too slow to form the thoughts your mind was racing with. "why haven't you touched me yet? do you not want me like this?" 

his heart splinters and fractures. you were so used to it — used to all his touches leading to kisses, kisses leading to him all over your body. "you're drunk." it's the only thing he can say. 

"i know what i'm doing," you fire back, but your words lilt and smear together. "ask me anything and i can answer you right now." 

but all he does is resume putting your arms through the sleeves, your limbs pliant against him as always, and soon you're completely covered up, and he can breathe a little easier. his strong arms grip your waist, and you're like a ragdoll in his grip as he guides you to stand, the dress at your hips falling, the shirt brushing the top of your thighs. 

it gets worse when he sets you down in his bed. in another universe, this might be a moment of bliss for him, something romantic and sweet in the way your body curves against his pillows, sinking down into them and blinking up at him hazily. but guilt still thunders in his chest, his vision split by lightning bolts of fear. you would wake up hating him. he would never stop hurting you. you would never want to see him again. 

your arms slide up his, grasping for him. "please," you plead, your voice small. "what did i do wrong? why don't you want to touch me?" 

"you didn't do any wrong," he murmurs, as he lets his weight sink into bed next to you, feel you curl up against him. just for a minute he tells himself — just until you fall asleep. your weight on his chest feeling like someone had doused his body with warmth, a comfort that made his eyes prickle with tears. "y/n, you're perfect," he whispers, the words melting into the dark.

"don't say that." he feels tears wet against the soft fabric of his shirt over his chest. "stop saying my name." 

"baby," he amends. "sweetheart, go to sleep." 

you hum. "haechan." 

"don't," he echoes. 

"what's wrong?" you mumble, your question heavy with sleep. 

he grips onto you tighter, holding you fiercely as tears cloud his vision. 

"i'm sorry," he says, his voice cracking. "i'm so so so sorry." when you don't respond, he nuzzles into your hair, freckling wet kiss on your forehead. "i'm sorry," he repeats, long after you've fallen asleep. 

—

you wake up to the sound of laughter ringing out against the walls. 

the room is as dim as it was last night — dark curtains drawn and the lights turned off. time seemed to have come to a standstill, you couldn't tell if it had been days or weeks or even months since you'd fallen asleep. your body ached, still heavy with sleep while your mind cleared — it had been a while since you've slept this well.

blinking your eyes open, you slowly sit up, feeling sheets warm and soft against your skin. you sit there, dazed, getting your bearings as you survey the unfamiliar room again. your clothes, folded on a small couch next to the window. your jewelry on the bedside table, your phone plugged in to the charger. 

the only thing you recognised was the long sleeved shirt unmistakeable on your body, the familiar smell of perfume and body lotion in every fiber of the sheets.

stumbling over to the bathroom, the warm light brings back every memory — the party, the drinks, stumbling upstairs into a room as your consciousness slipped away, and then haechan, haechan, haechan. haechan leading you out of the party, taking you home in his car, taking care of you. your fingers ghost over your forehead, where you swear he kissed you just before you woke up.

you turn off the tap. in the silence, there's another round of giggles, bright like a child's, and then —

"baby, don't move!" 

haechan's voice rings lighter than you've ever heard it, and the smile in it is evident. this is a voice without shadows, fondness in every lilt and inflection. with something like urgency, you dry your hands on your shirt, padding out of his room, hesitantly blinking into the sunlit living room. 

you almost don't believe your eyes. 

haechan is sitting on the couch, eyebrows furrowed in concentration and pink lips stuck out in a pout. sitting on the floor, cross-legged between his knees, was a little girl — her hands busy with a doll, while her own hair was being meticulously braided and arranged by the boy…whose head snaps up the moment he hears the creak of the door. 

"you're awake," he blurts out, and the girl looks up. 

"hi!" she waves shyly, leaning forward towards you, but whining as the motion tugs on her hair instead. "hyuck! it hurts…" 

his eyes finally dart away from yours. "i'm sorry," he murmurs, lightly massaging her scalp with the tips of his fingers. 

"you're making it messy —" 

"right, sorry." he grabs a sparkly pink hairbrush and combs through her hair gently, beginning to rebraid. the girl goes back to her doll, settling back down and quickly losing interest in you. 

his eyes flick up to yours again, the tiniest hint of blush on his cheeks. "did you sleep well?"

you nod, feeling like you'd walked in on something you weren't supposed to. 

haechan studies your face, a strand of hair falling from his grasp before he tucks it in diligently. "are you hungover? there were painkillers on the bedside table, i don't know if you saw…" 

"i'm fine," you croak out. 

"and there's breakfast on the table," he murmurs, ducking his head back down to focus on the impressive french braid he was attempting. he looks back up when he feels you staring, as if fixed to the ground beneath your feet. 

"is she…?" 

"this is my baby sister," he answers, smiling softly. "sorry, i didn't know she was coming over today. her kindergarten is near here so sometimes i walk her to school." and then, with a nod towards the table, "please eat �� i made too many sandwiches." 

the girl smiles, mumbling softly to herself. "hyuckie makes the best sandwiches." 

you can see 'hyuckie' blush at that, his lips pressed together tightly to keep in his smile as he pokes the little girl's cheek softly, going back to the braid. you cross over to the dining table, feet shuffling slowly, reluctantly tearing your eyes away from the two siblings, watching the fondness in haechan's eyes. quietly pulling out a chair, you sit down and pick up a sandwich, holding it gingerly between your fingers. 

a hushed voice breaks the silence, and you turn to see his sister, cupping her lips against haechan's ear whispering so loud that her words fill the room. "is she your friend?" the girl asks, pointing her pinky finger at you, head tilted with curiosity. haechan's head tilts too, but his eyes wander over to yours as he hesitates. 

"yes, she's my friend," he says, slowly. "we're…good friends." sliding the hair ties from his wrist, he finally finishes tying off the braid, before giving the girl a gentle pat on the shoulder. "you can play for 5 more minutes okay? hyuckie needs to talk to his friend." 

her round eyes blink at you as she slowly gets to her feet, before tottering over to the window, where another pile of dolls lay. haechan clears his throat, before shuffling over to you and sitting down in a chair next to yours. 

although he adjusts himself to face you, he keeps his distance – legs drawn in under the chair, hands placed carefully on his knees in a way you'd never seen him do before. it feels like the space between the both of you spans for entire oceans and continents, an invisible force field that holds weight against your limbs, keeping you from leaning in, incapable of even moving your fingertips. 

"are you sure you're okay?" 

he looks at you — his expression soft like wax melting around a candle wick. 

"do you…do you remember how you got here?" 

you nod, taking a deep breath. "the party?" 

"i'm sorry that you're here like this," he says, quietly. "i didn't know you were going to be there, i wasn't trying to corner you, i swear." 

you nod, dazed. 

"are you upset with me? for bringing you here?" at the conflict in your expression, he adds on, hurriedly, "i-i know it wasn't the best thing to do. i could've called jaemin, or mark, or anyone downstairs…it's just that i didn't know…i didn't know if it would be okay–" 

" — i'm not upset," you cut him off, the pressure easing as you raise a hand jerkily to place it over his. "i believe you. thank you for taking care of me last night."

he exhales slowly, and when he speaks he sounds even more troubled than before. "you…you shouldn't thank me. you shouldn't thank me for anything."

his eyes dart over to his little sister, checking in on her, and the sense that you're intruding on something creeps up on you again. 

haechan had been right — there was so much of him you didn't know. you hardly recognised the boy sitting beside you, despite a vague sense of comfort and familiarity in the slightest traces of his expression, the look in his eyes, his thumb absentmindedly stroking yours. it scared you. 

you withdraw your hand, pushing your chair a little further from his, the scrape of it dissonant in your ears. "so, uh, i'll just wait downstairs for the taxi if you don't feel comfortable —" 

"taxi?" he looks at you, confused. 

"i…i should go now, right?" 

"i wasn't going to ask you to go," he says, his voice small. "i was…i was hoping we could talk." 

"talk?" you echo. after weeks of nothing? "now?"

"i mean, not right now-" he glances over at the clock, wincing. "but can you stay today?" 

there's a pause. you don't think you've ever been able to read him — you've spent days second-guessing every emotion you thought he had, the meaning behind each expression, whether he ever told the truth. but something about him like this makes you hesitate, made your breath catch in your throat. all the ways you've tried to learn how to be immune to his words and his touch slowly melting away, because that was your defense against the version of haechan you thought you knew before. 

"i'll understand if you say no," he says, quietly. "but i have things i need to say to you. please." 

you don't know what to do. 

"hyuckie?" 

you both turn. haechan's baby sister is waddling over, her fist clenched around her hair ties as the last remnants of the french braid unravel from her head. she sniffles. "it fell." 

haechan's eyes dart back to you quickly, before refocusing his attention away. "it's okay-" he soothes, taking the hair ties from her as he swipes the pad of his thumb on her cheek, brushing off the teardrops that have begun to spill from her lashes. his lips jut out into a pout, his head tilting to meet her gaze. "let's just tie it up and go to school, hm?"

"but i want it in a braid…"  

"i can't finish it in time," he says, gently, touching the strands of her hair. "i'm sorry. i promise, we'll do it next time, okay?" 

her lip wobbles. "but…"

"let me help," you say, suddenly. 

he turns, round eyes wide. "what?" 

"i'll do her hair. you still need to get her things right?" 

he nods, a little dazed. "really?" 

"i'll stay," you murmur, and you slip the hair ties from his loose fingers and sling them around your wrist. "i need to talk to you too." 

you can feel his eyes on you as he coaxes his sister towards you, the girl shyly hiding her face in your hands as you swiftly braid two pigtails down her back. he still watches you out of the corner of his eye as he packs her bag, noting the way you listen to her babble on about her days at the school, the way you help adjust the straps of her backpack onto her tiny frame.

he looks at you like he's never seen you before. you think you know the feeling. 

— 

the bed dips under his weight as he sits down. 

"hey," you hear him murmur, and you stir. his hair falls over his face, and he's changed out of his clothes, and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses perches on his dainty nose. it's foreign, and new…until he pushes back his hair boyishly with an open palm, flicking his head like a puppy after a swim, and the skip in your heartbeat feels all too familiar in your ribcage. 

"did you get her to school?" 

he nods. "i got us lunch too. and stopped to get groceries." studying your face, he leans in. "i didn't want to wake you up so soon. do you feel better?" 

you hum. the morning now seemed like just a dream — haechan and his sister, the breakfast sandwiches. he'd left to walk her to school, telling you to rest in his bed until he got home. now, late afternoon light seeps into the room through the open door, until haechan gets up to close it, once again sealing the room in cozy darkness. 

"may i…?" he lifts up the corner of the covers, and you nod, easing yourself to the side as he gets into bed, leaning up against the headboard, his eyes trained on his lap. you lay on your side, that same feeling — as if you couldn't reach out and touch him, as if he existed in a world of his own without you, slowly settling in your body like a familiar ache. 

but then there's a shift — and you can feel his gaze warm on your skin. you blink up at him, his pupils focused on yours, pools of the darkest molten brown sucking you into his world. he wets his lips with his tongue nervously, taking a shuddering breath. 

"y/n, i'm really sorry." 

your heart squeezes a little in your chest. "for?" 

"for what i said that night…when i thought…when you didn't show up." he takes another breath. "and for not trusting you, for going to your place after i...." his fists clench the fabrics of the sheets, twisting it in his hands. 

you bite your lip. "haechan —"

" — i'm not done." he swallows, voice dipping low. "you were right. i knew you wanted more, i always knew exactly when i hurt you. but i never tried…i never tried to change anything. i'm sorry." his hands reach towards yours for a second, but he hesitates, dropping them back on his lap. 

"what would you have changed?" you ask, softly.

"i could have stopped seeing you," he murmurs. 

you smile, sadly. "i'm not convinced that would have hurt any less." that was something you knew for sure. 

"and i don't think i could have stopped myself," he admits. 

"haechan," his eyes move to yours. "why did you invite me?" his breathing picks up, and you want desperately to comfort him, to curl up on his lap and soothe him, but you knew the both of you were afraid of what would happen if you touched. knew the possibility that you'd try to find answers in skin-on-skin, lips-on-lips, and the possibility that it would all be lost in translation again.  

"i'm sorry, –" he looks at you sadly. "i think i was just trying to get you to stay. i…" he chews on his lip, glasses sliding a little lower on his slender nose bridge as his head dips. "i regret what i said, but some of it was true. i don't know what i would have done, and i don't think i was ready for…for what you thought it was." 

you nod, cheek rubbing against soft sheets, thinking about what he said. "haechan, i don't regret not going. i only wished i'd done it intentionally." 

"yeah?" he whispers. the sound sticks in his throat. 

"if you hadn't found me yesterday…would you still have looked for me? talked to me? i'm not hurt that you didn't find me sooner-" you cut in, when you see the guilt on his features, the parting of his lips in apology. "time apart….time apart was good. i needed it to clear my head. i….i couldn't stop myself around you." 

he doesn't say anything, for a while. "jaemin came over," he says, slowly. "and he said i couldn't talk to you or he would stop working with the band and it was decided for me." 

"he what?" 

haechan shakes his head. "i don't blame him. i'm not going to pretend that i couldn't have still talked to you if i really wanted to. i'm selfish enough to do that, i'll admit. i didn't reach out because i didn't know what to say, and i didn't know what i wanted." 

"and now?" 

he closes his eyes. "time apart was good," he murmurs, echoing your words. "it gave me a chance to go back to a time before." 

your breath catches. 

" — but i couldn't. i don't think i can take it any longer. i missed you, y/n. i miss you now, even as you're here." 

"you miss me?" 

something bothered you about it, hearing him say those words. when he'd pulled you away repeatedly in the weeks you've known each other, when he came for you time and time again, was that missing you too? were things different now? 

"i miss spending time with you," he says, almost timidly. "not just…not just sex. everything. i know it's selfish…" his eyes blink open, and he pushed his glasses up, avoiding your gaze. "i didn't mean to pressure you to come back. you can forget i said that." 

he shakes his head, trying to clear it. 

"i just wanted to tell you i'm sorry for hurting you." 

you'd never dared hope for a real apology from him. some part of you expected, or even secretly wished, he would find you again after that night, lie through his teeth to win you back. and in the weeks that followed, you took his silence to mean he didn't even care enough to do that.

and now here you were, sitting with him. after days and nights, he's had time to really mean his words — he wasn't himself, which is maybe why you believed he was telling the truth.

you think you know now, why he refused to let you in. why he hadn't wanted to take your first time, something so intimate and romantic that it would have pierced right through the layers he'd built up around himself. why he drew away so many nights when your touch lingered on each others' skin, when you wanted him to stay. 

"haechan," you say, quietly. "i need you to understand that i…that i've learned how to be hurt by you. i don't want to go back to how we were before." 

he nods, quickly. "of course." 

"and…you say you knew i wanted more. so you know that i wanted to be with you…romantically, right?" 

"i know." the words are so quiet, you barely catch them. 

"if…if i come back, i don't think i want that anymore." you say, gentle, but firm. jaemin was right — you couldn't let yourself forget all the ways he hurt you. "i associate us with too much hurt. i can't trust you with my heart, can you understand that?" 

there's silence. he's nodding, but when his lips part, he's wordless. 

"haechan?" 

"i understand," he murmurs. "i'm…i didn't…" he breaks off, fiddling with the covers, lip caught in his teeth. "whatever happens next will only happen on your terms," he says, softly. "i only want to do what you want to do, okay?" 

your brow furrows. "but haechan, if you don't feel comfortable with something –" 

"i'm fine as long as you still want to see me," he whispers. 

"if you don't want to let me in, i won't push anymore." you realize you truly mean it when you make the offer out loud. even if it hurt to know that you may never see him like this again, you press on, jaemin's advice resurfacing in your mind again. "you don't owe me any more of yourself. if you want it to just be sex, we can do that – but you have to commit to it too. so no more getting jealous, or —"  

" – that's not possible." 

"you're not making any sense." you should've been hurt, but sitting here now — looking at him, the way he melts into his room, fuzzy at the edges, soft curves of his face, you can't feel any of it. finally, you're beginning to see that he's just as lost as you are. his head is still bowed low, taking in every word you say like a weight he carries upon him. 

"it's not possible because you already know me. you know enough of me that i couldn't perform with you in the crowd, can't be myself around you at a party. i can't stand there onstage, do things like eyefuck girls and play the guitar and pretend to be someone else, while feeling your eyes on me. you'd see right through me."

he sounds like he's on the verge of tears, his voice achy and raw. and as you look up at him, tears are smudging on his waterline, his cheeks glistening as he sniffles. 

"i said i'd be fine with anything," he breathes shakily, as he starts to cry, sharp inhales punctuating his words. "and i am, i really am. i-i'm not in the position to set terms. it's fine if you don't want to know me, but i can't pretend we're just strangers anymore. i won't be able to." 

words you'd said to him — you can't think i still want to know you, after everything. 

for a moment, you entertain the idea that you've hurt him too. 

"i don't think i can pretend either," you murmur. "i hated it when you pretended like you didn't know me. like you'd never seen me before." 

i'm s-sorry, he chokes, but the syllables scattered across his sobs. he claps a hand to his mouth as his breathing speeds up even more, tears wetting his shirt, achy sounds muffled against his palm. and finally you sit up, limbs still clumsy and heavy from sleep, and you wrap your arms around him, and arm slung over his chest, another around his waist, just like you wanted to all this time.

his breath shudders against your palms, warm body against your skin. you bury your face in his neck, breathe in the familiar smell of him that changed no matter who he was or whoever he was pretending to be, until his breathing slows and his sobs come to a shaky stop. 

"i missed you too, haechan," you breathe. he shakes his head. "i did-" you insist, but he shakes his head again, a hand coming to touch your arm on his waist, squeezing tight. 

"not haechan, donghyuck," he whispers. 

"donghyuck," you correct, stroking the side of his cheek lovingly, your fingertip stained with his tears. "i missed you." 

"i missed you too." he says it like the words are dangerous, hushed and quiet. "are you…are you really coming back to me?"

"do you think we can be friends?" you ask, tentatively. not lovers, not strangers. this was the only in-between you knew that could do justice to the ways you knew each other, the only way you could see yourself holding on to him now.

he looks at you for a long time, until you forget your question. his nose is tinted pink, his eyes still watery as he drowns in his thoughts. 

he swallows. "are you sure?" he asks, softly. "your first time being with someone…and it's not even a real relationship." 

"you're doing that thing again," you murmur. "where you tell me what's good for me. how i should do things." you soften when you look up, seeing the guilt in his face, as if he had been caught red-handed. "i'm asking you again," you say, slowly. "do you think we can be friends?" 

this time, he nods. "yeah," he murmurs. "friends who…"

you nod too, feeling your cheeks burn, and then you lean in — slotting your lips against his. 

for a second, he doesn't kiss you back, and your stomach swoops. 

but then his mouth is moving against yours, soft and gentle. a close-lipped kiss, just the feeling of his soft lips on yours, the brush of your noses together, your eyes slowly fluttering shut to focus on the feeling. and even though you'd just agreed — even though you were the one who suggested it, a part of you wondered if you could ever only want to be friends with lee donghyuck.  

—

you sit at the dinner table, and haechan's entire body aches with a longing that crests over him like a tidal wave, knocking the breath from his lungs. 

he recalls the way he'd felt earlier, walking back across the park from the kindergarten, stopping by the grocery store and wandering the brightly-lit aisles, turning over pasta sauce and soup stock in his hands. the knowledge that you were in his home, sleeping, that he would turn the key in the lock and you would be waiting for him — burned down his throat like alcohol, a bonfire in his stomach. it felt like playing pretend. he was afraid to even drive you back to your apartment, to walk you to your door, to look at you too long in the moments after. and yet here he was, tipsy off the sweetness of being able to come home to you. 

after the talk, neither of you had gone much further than kissing. 

"i missed you so much," he murmurs – his voice crumpling under the weight of his own words. 

"do you want to show me?" your tone is lightly teasing, dipping low as you keep your smile on your face. the warmth coursing through your body has nothing to do with the blankets pooling around your thighs, and everything to do with the boy sitting across from you — doll-like legs with miles of silky skin splayed out over the sheets, back slouching against the headboard, all crumpled in and soft and worn. 

if you had gone to the bar weeks ago, let him guide you to this home, to this bed, you might already be familiar with this soft mattress in a whole different way.  

neither of you can deny the way your minds wander there still, despite everything. him missing your body framed against his, you craving the sink of his chest, the curve of his waist.  

there's silence, as his words register in the boy's head, pain flickering over his features. if he was feeling more like himself, he would pulled you in, caged you under him. tugged at that side of you that was always so pliant and easy for him and watched you unravel under his fingertips. the words are on the tip of his tongue — i'll show you. did you miss me too? kiss me. stay with me.

instead, his fingers withdraw, and gently touch the soft cotton of his shirt's hem, warm light flickering in his eyes. "not like this," he murmurs quietly. "not…not now."

you let out a breath, tension dissipating. "yeah," you'd murmured. "you're right." 

you'd gone to take a shower while he prepared dinner. there was something terribly domestic about all of it — you padding into the living room again, each fiber of your being smelling so much like him. the way he turned from where he stood guarding the soup bubbling on the stove to see you in one of his shirts, a towel draped over your shoulders. the feelings he hadn't learned to pin down, hadn't had the time to sort, intensified in his chest, an ache lodged inside him. 

friends. he'd introduced you to his sister as his friend, watched you braid her hair and laugh with her softly, heard your sweet voice wishing her good luck with school. the nights he'd spent with you by his side — talking about the band, about his tattoos. asking about how he did during the show, seeking your praise, wanting to know so badly how he appeared in your eyes. the way you somehow reached right through him and made him listen, made him stop. was that friendship? 

now with all the plates cleared and washed, the sounds of your clothes tumbling in his washing machine in the background, the smell of black nail polish prickled his nose as you leaned over. your fingers brushing his, holding them in place. 

"should i make it a little messy?" your voice is light. 

"it's usually messy because i get my sister to do it," he tells you, softly. "you don't have to mimic how it looks." 

you nod, a small smile on your face as you dip the brush back in the bottle. there's silence, for a while, as he watches you, studying the way you look with your head bowed, feeling each careful touch of your fingers, and then — 

"do you want to talk about rules now?" 

you look up at him just briefly before going back to the task. he swallows. 

"sure." 

another pause. and then quietly, "you can't get jealous anymore, you know that right?" 

"i know," he murmurs. "you told me to stop before…but i didn't. i'm sorry." 

you nod. "you can't be possessive of me, either." 

he hesitates. "so…no marking?" 

slowly, you let go of his left hand. "you can still leave hickeys and bruises," you mumble. "just don't…don't call me yours you know?" 

he didn't know if he could do that. "okay," he says, softly. "i'll try." and then, slowly and carefully, he asks, "are you going to keep coming to our shows?" 

the slide drag of the brush on his nail stops. "do you want me to?" 

he bites his lip. "i want you there," he says, slowly. "but i don't know if i'll be okay with having you in the crowd." 

"oh." 

"maybe you can watch from backstage. or the wings. i want you to," he adds, when you look troubled. "please." 

"are we still a secret?" 

his lips part. he wanted to say yes — but it was the way you'd asked it, like it was something you feared, that made him hesitate.

"because," you continue. "it didn't feel good, keeping it from jaemin. and as i said, i hated it when you pretended we were strangers." 

he felt your hands leave his, capping the bottle of nail polish as you leaned back in your chair, tucking your knees to your chest. he keeps his hands splayed on the table, taking a deep breath.

"no more secrets," he agrees. "and stop going to those parties, y/n. if you want to see me, just tell me." 

you raise your eyebrows. "we're not exclusive," you point out, slowly. "i don't go to the parties just for you. haechan, if you don't think you can do this…" 

"i can," he says, hurriedly. "i'm sorry. if i see you at a party…i'll say you're my friend. i'm sorry, it's just that i…i'm just…."

"it's okay." giving him a small smile, you get to your feet, shuffling over to the kitchen. you don't hear him come closer as you fill up a glass of water on the kitchen, only know of his presence as his hand touches your shoulder carefully. 

"don't go," he murmurs. his arms slide around your body, gently pulling you towards him, and you turn slightly so you can see his face.

"i'm still here," you respond, softly. 

but he shakes his head. "don't go." 

you turn around in his arms and your lips brush, his own parting against yours, seeking permission. all the time he wonders when he'll stop kissing you like he's swearing an oath — devoted in the way he wraps his lips around yours, patient and true in the way his tongue moves against yours, and even now, something loving in the way he murmurs your name into the cavern of your mouth. his hands move carefully on your skin, nail polish still drying on his fingertips, and if either of you question the way you kiss, you keep it to yourselves. 

—

it's different, watching haechan perform, when he's not performing for you. 

you saw the way his eyes flitted through the crowd, making and breaking eye contact so fast it was hard to keep track of, each twitch of his expression rehearsed and calculated. a teasing part of his lips, sinful face fluttery and slack as the music crashed all around him, like he could physically feel it. he was right — you didn't see him the same. you knew it was the performance, that he was really the one trying to please the crowd, riding off the pleasure of attention. but despite seeing through it as he had said, it still had you feeling tightly wound inside, pressure building up inside you, a craving for his touch intensifying with each time his hips shifted against his guitar. 

and even worse was the way your heartbeat would trip over itself every time haechan's eyes flickered over to you. never during a song, but in the moments between — mark's voice speaking through the mic, the rest of the boys checking on their instruments or interacting with the crowd. he would look over at you briefly, almost shyly, his heart-shaped lips creasing into a smile. 

"friends?" 

the moment you'd arrived home, you had pleaded with jaemin not to be upset with haechan, but it turned out you didn't need to. haechan had left a message the night of the party, and when you'd walked in looking more well rested and collected than you'd had in days, jaemin knew that you had been safe. you'd reassured him too, when he asked if keeping you from him only made things worse. both of you had needed that time to come to this conclusion. only time would tell if it was the right one. 

"so you're going to be friends with benefits?" jaemin raised his eyebrows. "was this his idea or yours?" 

"mine," you mumble. feeling the need to defend yourself, you raise your voice just slightly. "i just think that…i want to keep seeing him, and i want to get to know him…but i don't want him in that way. anymore," you add, when jaemin bites his lip.

"did you really lose feelings, or are you just not ready?" he asks, quietly. 

you force a laugh out of your chest. "you think i'd still have feelings for someone who hurt me that much?" you try to say it sarcastically, but you don't have the heart to. the words have no bite, and instead truth echoes in the spaces between.

"that's not the worst thing in the world, y/n." his voice is steady, and calm. "it's okay to take your time. if you remember that lying to yourself will only hurt more." 

but there are things to soothe the ache. 

"did you like the show?" 

haechan roughly tugs off his jacket, letting it slump off his shoulders and onto the floor. the moment the last song ended he'd rushed off stage and right to you, eyes blazing under his heavy makeup, the both of you stumbling into one of the small storerooms backstage. 

a single small lightbulb barely illuminates the small space, bathing you in warm light and shadow. shelves of boxes line most of the walls, except for a sliver of space that currently presses against your back, your fingers touching the cold surface. 

"it was good," you murmur. 

"yeah?" 

he's still hungry for more. you can see it in his eyes — for all his good girls and you're perfect, you knew he craved to be adored too. 

"you were right," you say, softly. "it feels different, watching as your friend." 

his smile falters.

"i…i like it more," you continue. "being in the wings…makes me want to get your attention." 

"you have my attention now, princess," he points out. he touches a hand to your waist. 

it's almost scary, how you slip back into old patterns. a heady rush filling your senses, slowly dragging you under. this is why i couldn't stop, you think, as he leans in ever closer, his eyes glazed over as his gaze slides to your lips. 

there's a beat. 

"i forgot to ask," he mumbles. "no possessiveness right?" 

your mind clears, just a bit. you nod, breathlessly. 

"what else?" he asks. looking at you, timidly, he asks. "can i…are pet names okay? can i still call you baby?" 

"baby's fine," you whisper. 

"princess?" 

"hmm?"

"no," he smiles fondly at you. "i was asking if calling you princess was okay." 

you want to bury your face in your hands. or his chest. "princess is fine." 

his smile grows wider, before he suddenly turns serious again. "are we starting anew?" he asks, hesitantly. "can i…can i bring up things from before? or are we pretending that this is our first time…" 

"no more pretending," you murmur, feeling like a hypocrite. "why? did you want to bring up something?"

"kind of," he nods towards the door. "just thought you're going to love this," he says, slyly. "hearing stage crew and bandmates walking by, knowing that at any point someone could hear us, someone could come in…"

and now you do bury your face in your hands, and when he reaches around to hug you, you lean against his chest, feeling his laugh vibrate against you, feeling you with warmth. 

"it's okay," he murmurs, as his hands slide down to squeeze your waist. "i won't play with them this time, baby. today's all about you, hm?" 

his hands falter, perhaps realizing the words were too tender, a little too loving for what you both claimed this would be. 

"lets try not to do anything…romantic?" you mumble. 

you regret the words as soon as you say them, your teeth biting into your lip sharply. 

haechan's face has shuttered down. you can't read his expression, as he nods, taking your hands in his and kissing them. 

"please." you look at him, this time taking the dive, feeling yourself free-falling towards that familiar desire, letting the current swallow you whole. "i need you." 

in spite of everything, haechan's lips are as gentle as they've always been. 

his lips brush yours, once, twice, before he locks in his kiss, hands trembling slightly as he touches the side of your face, cups you in his palms. you want to ask him what's wrong, pulling away slightly, but he makes a wounded sound from the back of his throat, pressing you against the wall, his head dipping to kiss you fiercely. his tongue slides against yours, and he groans low against your lips. 

your hands fumble on his shirt, skimming his broad shoulders, strong arms. he pants into your mouth when your drag your nails down his chest, breaking away. tugging his shirt roughly over his head, he grabs your hands and places them on his chest before leaning in to kiss you again, this time working his way down your neck, his wet kisses making your body shudder as you cling onto him for support. 

"please," you murmur, wondering why he was staying so silent. "please-" 

but he shakes his head, fingers tracing your jaw, tilting your head up so he lap his tongue over a newly formed bruise. the room is silent save for the sound of his lips, but you crave his voice, his words guiding you through everything, the lilting cadence of it. 

"haechan-" a foreign feeling spikes in your stomach as he ignores you, continuing to kiss his way down to your collarbones, fingers tugging your collar wide open. it felt like he wasn't there at all. 

he breathes heavy against your skin as he curls his hands around your hips, holding on tight. still he doesn't say a word, or even make a sound, as his caress the back of your thighs.

"stop-" you blurt out. roughly, you take his hands in yours, gripping them by the wrists. 

he lifts his head. 

"haechan," you start, but he just looks at you. your heart squeezes painfully in your chest. 

"haechan, you're scaring me." your voice is panicked and tight, the tension so overwhelming that tears begin to blur your vision, your chest rising and falling faster. 

"baby?" he asks, alarmed. "what's wrong?" 

"please talk to me," you beg, wiping away the tears on your cheek. the ache has soothed slightly at his voice, but you need more. "why…why aren't you talking? you always…you always used to-" 

"i'm sorry," he whispers, pulling your body into his, wrapping his bare arms around you. "i'm here," he soothes, in your ear. "i'm here," he mumbles again, and again, until your breathing calms down. 

"i'm sorry," he repeats, kissing you softly. "i'm here now, baby, okay?" 

you nod, and now you guide his hands to your thighs, feel the way his breathing hitches.

"can i…?" 

"please," you say, breathlessly, and his hand cups your warm core. 

"fuck," he blurts out. you were so warm, the seat of your panties completely soaked through. he slides them to the side with nimble fingers, inhaling sharply as he strokes your folds. 

"how are you so wet? fuck-" 

"take them off," you plead, the fabric sticking uncomfortably to your skin. immediately, he tugs your panties and skirt down roughly, almost frustrated, barely waiting for you to step out of them before encouraging you to spread your legs wider as he strokes you, fingers dipping to catch at your entrance, your swollen clit. 

"so fucking wet," he marvels, groaning slightly as he swipes his fingers softly . 

"from watching you perform," you say, softly. 

the words send pleasure thrumming low in his navel. "yeah?" he murmurs, eyes meeting yours. 

slowly, he drops to his knees, and suddenly you feel hypersensitive — his breath on your thighs, hands gripping you tightly. he suckles a kiss close to your core, and you whine, loudly, the sound too loud in the small space. 

he looks up at you, sultry eyes framed in dark eyeliner. "let me hear you, baby," he coaxes, easing your legs open. he sticks out the tip of his tongue, and gives your clit a gentle flick, your hips bucking into his face before you can stop yourself. "i've been dreaming about this," he sighs, before he closes in and suckles on your clit. 

he lapped at you like all he'd done in your days apart was think about how best to do it — alternating between suckling on your clit, licking your folds with his tongue wide and flat, and prodding at your entrance. one hand keeping you pressed against the wall, his other slips around your entrance, sliding in one long finger, the way your walls suck him in making him moan, vibrations sending another wave of pleasure through you. you can feel the jut of his finger joints, the pad of his finger curling against your walls, while his tongue focuses on your clit, drawing shapes and letters expertly. 

you slump further against the wall, the pleasure making your legs shake, unable to hold yourself up, your hands tangled in his hair, knotting them around your fingers. 

"i can't stand-" you're cut off by a moan, as he bites into your thigh, licking up the wetness that stains them, a mix of your arousal and his saliva. "please," you wish you were on a bed, wish both of you had had more patience to go somewhere and do this right, feel the whole weight of his body on yours. 

"cum," he pants, sucking on your clit with his plush lips as he coaxes another finger into your warm, now mimicking a vibrating motion with his hand as he pushes in hard and fast. he doesn't break away even as he moans out, now curling his fingers languidly against your walls. "fuck, baby, i need you to cum now because i can't wait any longer-" 

his tongue presses onto your clit, and the pressure pushes you overboard. his hand the only thing keeping you upright, pushing roughly into you, he eats you out until your orgasm is over, kitten licking your clit as his head moves this way and that. you open your eyes and see him staring right at you, desire pulsing in his pupils, eyes blown out and dark. 

"good?" he breathes, both hands now gripping you tight. you nod, swallowing and gasping. his face is smeared with you, mouth and nose shining and glossy. he licks around his lips, mouth hanging open as his eyes glint. 

"more?" he asks, and you nod, gasping, falling to your knees. now, you're finally able to touch him, as your body crashes into his, causing him to nearly tip over from how he kneels, sitting back on his ankles to draw you into him. you kiss him deeply, letting his lips wrap around your tongue just the way you loved it, feel his hum vibrate against your own chest. 

his hands ghost under your shirt, and you help him pull it off, his hands cupping your breasts with his familiar touch, sucking kisses down your cleavage as you gasp for air. his hands roam your body indulgently, as if he was afraid you'd dissolve if he wasn't mapping your skin with his palms, his tongue, his lips. one hand trailing up and down your back, unclasping your bra, while the other squeezes the back of your thighs, resting his hand on your ass. 

he suckles on your nipples like he had all the time in the world, as if you weren't in a cramped store room feeling as if you were about to explode from his touch alone. gentle tongue drawing circles around the bud, eyes staring up at yours with devotion. your hips move against his, and his eyes flutter shut as he sighs, his hips starting to grind up against you as well. 

"turn around," he mumbles. "now, princess." 

"i want to see you," you protest, hands gripping onto his arms as he slowly walks forward on his knees, pushing you towards the wall. 

"i'm sorry, baby-" he kisses you, placatory and sweet. "we'll go again in my bedroom later, okay? need you like this now."

you let him maneuver you until you're facing the wall, legs spread apart as he kneels in between. trying to soothe you, he rubs a hand over your stomach, reminding you of his presence the entire time he rids himself of his jeans and underwear, rolling on a condom, tension building with every small sound, until you can feel something thick and heavy press between your legs. 

"haechan-" you pant, your back arching just slightly as you lean towards the wall for support, feeling his hand squeeze your hip. 

"i know," he mumbles, making slight shushing sounds as he eases himself against you. "i know, baby." 

even though he was behind you, you knew the face he would make as you felt his tip slowly push past your entrance, the way his eyebrows would float upwards as his eyes went unfocused, lips parting in a lovely 'ah- ah' that he tried hard to contain behind hisses and bitten lips. part of you still wants to see it, but all thoughts are lost as he fully sheaths himself into you, feeling him deep inside from the position. his hand on your hip creeps over to your navel, and he pushes gently over where he was buried inside you, the pressure somehow intensifying as you feel full from all sides. 

slowly, his body presses you further into the wall, and you gasp as the cool surface brushes your chest. he kisses the nape of your neck, and your body trembles, shifting against him and whining as you clench around him from sensitivity. behind you, haechan mumbles out a string of curses, hips jolting forward unsteadily before he stops himself. 

"please move," you whisper, and he moans, finally thrusting into you. he finds a rhythm that's slow and deep, feeling full and stretched out each time you throb around him. a particularly harsh thrust has you whining, your hips tilting towards the wall, trying to get away, but suddenly the solid weight of his body presses against you ever harsher as he rolls his hips, his chest pressed to your back. he feels stronger, and sturdier than he ever did before, as a hand creeps down to your clit and begins to rub slow and lazy circles, his body attuned to yours. you jolt away from the simulation, ass suddenly jolting back against his length, making you cry out again, sandwiched between pleasure. 

"don't run from it," he coaxes. "just take it, hm?" 

you had nowhere to go as he fucks himself into you, wet sounds filling the small space, and you're sure the floor is wet with your arousal, can feel your next climax approaching fast, making you forget about the ache in your knees and in the way your head pressed against the hard wall. you begin to shake in his hold, trying to fuck yourself back on his cock while he bullies your clit relentlessly, but once again his chest presses into you, strong arms holding you firmly in place as he overflows your body with pleasure, a hand slowly grasping yours and squeezing.

"i missed you, baby," he says, quietly, voice surprisingly steady despite the way he was ramming into you. "i really missed you." his lips brush the shell of your ear. 

you cum unexpectedly, crying out, squeezing tight around him as all the muscles in your body tense. your hand squeezes tight around his as the other rubs quick circles on your clit, working you through your orgasm. you can feel him still behind you as he cums too, whining in a pitch and tone you'd never heard from him before, desperate and achy as you clench around him again from the sound, so sensual that it rekindles a fire inside you despite the soreness in all your limbs. 

your weak hands fumble against him, scrabbling against his strong grip. he pulls out with a hiss, helping you turn around to face him. in the semi-darkness, you can see the concern pooling in his eyes, bright and scared. 

"was it too rough?" he asks, breathlessly. his hands skim your frame, pulling you onto his lap. 

you shake your head, nuzzling into him. you're torn between watching that silvery glow in his eyes, makeup smudged around all his corners, and burying yourself deep inside his chest until you can feel his heartbeat on your cheek. 

"baby? are you alright?" he rubs gentle circles on your back, as you nod. "use your words, please," he says, softly. 

"you got stronger," you blurt out. 

"did i hurt you?" he moves against you, something protective in the way he holds you that makes your body sing with warmth. 

"no," you say shyly. "i loved it." 

you lift your head just quick enough to catch the way his face crumples. before you can ask, he leans in and he's kissing you again — soft, gentle, sweet and almost shy. when you part, he looks dazed, eyes drifting down to your lips and wandering back up to your eyes. 

"you deserve better," he says, quietly. 

he looks down, at the way you're sitting in his lap, and then tilts his head sharply to look around the store room, as if he meant you deserved better than this for your first time back with him. as if this was about sex at all. 

you take a deep breath, and shake your head. "haechan, you're exactly what i deserve." 

the name rings out in the space. it seems to ground him, and he shakes his head to clear it, slowly untangling himself from you as he gets ready to help you up. 

you swallow. "take me home," you tell him. "take care of me." 

he does exactly as you say. 

—

attention simmers on your skin, a palpable heat you're unable to shake. 

girls circle the kitchen island like sharks, eyes glinting under the fluorescent lights, but they're never able to come close as it's so clear haechan's focus is entirely on you. haechan's back is turned to the party as he sits on the counter, long legs spilling over and the muscles in his thick thighs accentuated by the way he sits, denim stretched tight and each gaping hole making you doubt your decision to come to the party here, instead of going over to his home. 

it was his party, and he should go. the fans would be upset if he didn't at least show. now you were seriously regretting it, as you ducked your head to avoid the glare of another crowd as they passed by, while haechan knocked back another drink. 

he had been alight with energy ever since the show ended — agreeing amiably when you suggested going to the party, his smile only wavering when you reminded him he couldn't get jealous. and while your eyes wandered around the party, drinking in the scenes you hadn't seen in awhile, he was doing everything in his power to keep your attention on him, camera strap hanging from his neck as he clicked through the photos, pointing out the parts where jaemin had helped him, explaining the stories behind the pictures. 

"i didn't know you were into photography." it's a stupid statement, that you want to retract immediately. of course you didn't – you didn't know much about him at all. but it makes him smile a little proudly, clicking on the dial to speed through the photos. 

"yeah well, i've never taken a photo of you." he mumbles, scratching the nape of his neck. "i know for sure because when we…you know…when we weren't seeing each other, and i missed you…" his cheeks are burning up, his mouth barely moving as he tries to fumble through the rest of the sentence, plush lips swallowing his words. "i couldn't find any photos of you. on my camera or in my phone or…" he trails off. 

your heart thrums harder in your chest. "yeah?" 

"do…do you have photos of me?" he asks. timidly, softly. his eyes trained on his camera, unseeing, breath held in his chest waiting for your answer.

"of course i do," you murmur. you hope he can hear the smile in your voice, know that it's for him.  "rockstar." 

his fingers twitch, and he looks up at you, a searing intensity in his eyes that wasn't there before, flames licking at your cheeks as you hold his gaze, a warmth that sparks down your spine like fireworks. the sounds of the party fade away, sealing you in the vacuum of his attention.

"y/n,"  his voice drops an octave, all the softness drained out of it. 

"haechan?" 

"let me take a photo of you," he murmurs. "please." 

"now?" 

"no, not now," he says, slowly. "you know what i mean, princess." 

but you never get to clarify, because someone taps you lightly on the shoulder. haechan's eyes flicker behind you, all the intensity faded out, and it feels like your lungs fill with air again as you turn to see jisung, holding two cups in his hands, one of which he's holding out to you. 

you're torn between crushing guilt, and relief that he doesn't hate you. 

"j-jisung," you splutter. "jisung, hi." 

"hi, y/n." he smiles, nudging the cup towards you again, and you take it. almost against your will, your eyes dart over to haechan, but his face is impassive and neutral, camera laying forgotten on his lap as he turns quickly to survey the party behind him. was he trying to offer you privacy, or was he upset? 

you sip from the drink, trying not to make a face at the overwhelming sweetness that floods your tastebuds. the boy had barely put any alcohol in it. your hand almost inches towards the cup haechan made for you, wanting to balance out the taste, before you stop yourself. 

you didn't want to hurt his feelings again. 

"it's been a while," you say, sheepishly. "and again, i'm really sorry about last time."

"it's okay," he says, cheerfully. "haechan already apologised. besides, you can make it up to me on our date."

jisung's words have a physical effect on haechan. you feel him tense up behind you, body going stiff as he turns back to watch you, eyes trained on the side of your face. 

"you still owe me a date." you don't know if it's determination, or sheer recklessness, that inspired jisung to say this to you as you stood in the kitchen with haechan just inches away, the side of his thigh still brushing your waist. "are you free tomorrow night?" 

you try your best not to look at haechan. he had no right to care, you didn't owe him anything. you didn't know what you wanted to see on his face either way — whether his jealousy would make you angry, whether his sadness would hurt you instead. 

"i am," you agree, hesitantly, and jisung's close-lipped smile blooms. 

—

"you know there are other boys out there right? that there's a world beyond the band?" 

"shut up, jaemin," you mumble, checking your reflection in the dressing room mirror one last time. 

"this is good for you." his tone has changed, as he leans against the locked door. "jisung is nice. i hope it works out." 

tonight's show had been different. jaemin had reluctantly confirmed that it wasn't just your imagination — the way haechan was quieter throughout, more self-conscious in his performance, eyes barely scanning the crowd, taking longer glances at you throughout the show. jisung's confidence, on the other hand, poured off him in waves, his jacket unzipped, gums showing as he smiled wide. 

"i know." you sling your bag across your body, adjusting your skirt, as you turn to face him, taking a deep breath. "i'm really giving him a chance, jaemin. i'm…i'm taking this seriously, even if you don't believe me." it wasn't a lie. you barely knew anything about jisung, and jisung barely knew anything about you — but he was always sincere and sweet, quietly brave under his shyness. you couldn't forget the way he looked at you even with haechan by your side. it made you want to give him a chance too.

"i believe you," he reassures. "good luck, okay?" the door unlatches with a small click, and he gives you one last wave before heading out into the corridor. 

your eyes dart back to your reflection one last time before you turn back, satisfied with your appearance, and start towards the door. you barely take a step before there's a creak, and you think it's jaemin coming back, or perhaps jisung, wondering why you took so long. 

but of course, things are never easy. 

a familiar face enters the room, pushing the door open wide. he doesn't bother to close it, just takes you in for a second — eyes sweeping your frame, taking in your jewelry, the hints of makeup on your skin, your clothes, your neat hair. dejavu crawls over your skin, remembering the first time you'd met jisung, the way haechan had cornered you in the dressing room after, too. you tense your shoulders, preparing for the fight. 

"you look nice," he says, quietly. 

your lips part. "haechan-" 

but before you can speak, he's blurting out his next words. "j-jisung's going to love it," he stammers out, shadows flickering in his gaze as he swallows, throat bobbing. "i… i just came here to say good luck." at your surprised expression, his lips curve up into a sad smile. "that…that's what friends do, right?" 

"yeah." your hands grip onto the sling of your bag tightly, afraid of what your hands would do if you let go. 

"i'm going to go now," he mumbles. "i…have fun, y/n." 

there isn't a trace of sarcasm in his tone, his eyes soft and fond. he leaves before you can say another word, not closing the door behind him. you can hear his boots all the way down the corridor, can hear him disappear up the stairs. 

you try not to think about his voice, as you take the back exit out of the venue, see jisung standing in the warm summer night, smiling under a streetlight. try not to dwell on the fact that haechan might have actually wished the best for you – no more layers of pretense under pretense, no more feelings without reason. 

it's easier said than done.

—

two hours pass, your food gone from your plates, only the dregs of your drinks left in their glasses, before jisung finally clears his throat. 

"this isn't working out, is it?" 

"i'm sorry," you say, biting your lip. you'd walked to see a movie, something jisung had picked out, but had been mind-numbingly dull to you. you settled to watch his reactions instead, the way his hands flew over his eyes at the more intense scenes, the way he bit down on his fingers when the tension spiked. it was cute, but less so when he started asking you questions about the movie, and you had to admit you didn't remember any part of the plot past the first 20 minutes. 

late night dinner hadn't been better, each topic running itself to the ground quickly, your opinions and lack of opinions causing each conversation to crash to an uncomfortable halt. good things take time, had been jaemin's text to you when you asked for help. you were sure that jisung and you weren't acting like your true selves, the prospect of the date altering the way you talked and responded to each other, until you'd finally come to the conclusion that perhaps you just weren't compatible. 

"i really thought this would work out," jisung says, a tinge of sadness coloring his words. 

"i wanted it to," you confess. selfishly, you had almost been excited at the prospect of things working out with jisung — needing confirmation that you could still feel for others. excited for the date leading to the next, to fall in love with surety. 

excited to find the first relationship, the first 'you and i' that haechan seemed to think you deserved. 

"it's okay," jisung reaches out, pats your hand clumsily, shyly, as if surprised that reaching towards you meant he actually got to touch you  "i didn't know much about you when i asked you out, anyway. just thought you were really pretty." he looks mortified again, and it makes you laugh — everything about him still endearing.

"do you want to just be friends?" you ask, gently. 

it's like a weight lifts from the conversation, and he sighs, relieved. "yeah," he echoes. "friends." 

the silence that follows is a lot more peaceful. jisung slumps slightly in his seat, like the tension has left his body. his deep voice somehow still manages to sound timid when he speaks up next. 

"since we're friends…" 

you nod, encouragingly, taking a last sip of your drink. 

"can i ask…do you like haechan?" 

you nearly choke. jisung was looking at you carefully, although he smiled at the expression on your face. 

"a-are you sure you want to talk about this?' you stammer. 

he shrugs, but there's something unreadable in his expression. "i'll always be curious about it, and i guess this is my chance to ask." 

you don't have the heart to answer him directly. 

"i…i used to," you say, slowly. "but that was when i didn't know him." 

"know him?" he asks, confused. 

you nod. "yeah. i didn't really know him as a person….just…knew the performance, i guess." 

jisung still looks confused, but he nods along. "well, do you know him now?" 

you think of the sunlight in his living room. the faint dimple on his cheek as he showed you a photo of his sister running towards the camera, her face alight as she called out for her big brother. his arms around you in the kitchen, as he asked you to stay. the slope of his neck as he turns towards you at the end of a song — the fading sound of his guitar as his eyes sought yours. 

"maybe," you say, softly. 

"and?" jisung prompts. "could you like him now?" 

you don't answer him aloud, but your unspoken words ring in your head. 

—

it's different this time, haechan tells himself, as he grips his phone in his hands. 

it's different this time, because he knew where you were. he knew why you weren't calling. 

he slumps back against his bed, his body heavy with alcohol but his mind racing wild, each thought outpacing the next. 

the apartment was silent and empty. both jeno and mark were gone for the night. haechan hadn't bothered to go to the party, knowing that he would feel jisung's absence like a pain lodged in his ribs. he wonders if jisung will bring you home, here, whether you'd let him, even if he knew jisung wasn't the type of boy to go further than hand-holding on the first date. he thinks of it anyway — of hearing your sounds through his bedroom wall. whether it would make you needier to know haechan was listening. 

he feels like a loser. he's never felt more uncomfortable in his own skin, more unclean, more ashamed. but then again, there's no one around to know, as he lets his mind wander a little farther, away from you and jisung, away from his phone, sinking deep into the last time he'd touched your skin, images and sensations jumping out eagerly at him when he closed his eyes. flicks through moments that caused a heat to lick down his spine, the familiar hum of pleasure buzzing low in his navel — your legs on his shoulders, your hands in his hair. your taste, the patterns he would draw on your body so you'd shake just the way he liked, the spot on your neck he could kitten-lick to feel you tense up all around him. 

that night, even after he'd fucked you in the store room, you had been insatiable. 

he'd tried to touch you like the other girls he used to play with — never speaking much, preferring to use his mouth for other things, let their own imaginations run wild with what he could be thinking behind his hooded eyes. he'd taken you with your face turned away from him, pleasure without intimacy, sucking bruises as a keepsake for you after the night ended, not as if you were his to keep or to lose. 

let's try not to do anything romantic. 

but then you'd begged him to talk to you. told him to take you home. he'd hated it — hated the way you folded for him, like someone had given him powers he couldn't help abuse. do you know how tender this is for me? he'd wanted to ask, as he was touching you again in his sheets back home, racing to meet your every demand before you asked for it. 

your legs parted for him as he entered you, trying to keep his eyes open through the pleasure to watch your every expression, the look he'd been dying to see — your eyelashes fluttering, lips parted silently, the sharp gasp as he found your soft spot, your hands scrabbling against his skin. he held your gaze even as he let you wrap your legs around his waist, ankles locked in a sweetheart's cross behind him as he pushed your legs even higher, letting him in deeper. he'd never imagined himself with anyone like this before — a position so full of love and closeness, feeling your body and ripple against his, leaning in to kiss your lips softly, kiss away your desperation. 

he'd almost gone crazy when you found your voice amidst all the pleasure. 

"donghyuck," you'd breathed, saying the name like a prayer. "feels so good." 

he had stilled, slowing to a stop, even though he was painfully hard in you. his heart racing in his chest, pounding so hard he felt like it was about to burst out of his chest.

"you," you mumbled, slowly grinding your hips against him. "you make me feel so good, 's like no one else-"  

"yeah?" he picks up the pace again, tilting your body at an angle now so he could go even deeper, watches the way your face changes. he was the one who pulled that sound from your chest — sated but desperate at the same time, needy but satisfied. "i make you feel this good, right? i'm good for you, everything's for you-" he babbled, not making sense to even himself, your praise burying itself deep inside him like a siren song. 

you'd choked out more praises, pretty words tumbling from your parted lips, your eyes never leaving his. 

"more, hyuck-" you pulled at him, nails scratching down his back. "hyuck-" 

it's like he can hear your voice, as his hand slides down to his hip, down to his leaking cock. 

he jerks himself off like that — to the images of you pressed under him, your voice calling his name. he does it fast, with no finesse — tugging roughly, the slide too dry, but he doesn't care about drawing out the pleasure, doesn't think it matters if you're not here with him. 

he feels even filthier after he finishes — peeling off his soiled shirt, as he stumbles to the bathroom. he knows he won't hear from you tonight, that you wouldn't do that to jisung, but still he keeps his phone unlocked with the ringer on next to his bed as he lays down again. 

maybe he would wake up, and you would tell him he could never see you or touch you again. his mind wanders in another direction now, away from your body, away from pleasure — to the ways you made his heart squeeze tight in his chest. when you said his name. when you'd comforted him as he was crying, the kindness in your eyes despite all the ways he hurt you. sitting on the kitchen counter, thinking of ways to keep you with him as your eyes wandered off. look at me, he'd wanted to beg. think of me. just me. 

he goes to sleep thinking about how this could be the last night before you'd really only exist in memory and fantasy, before everything changes.

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