#and when you think about the fact that 911 was blown out of the water by High Potential?

[kawaiifacesong]

It's silly because obviously people are forgetting that this show was cancelled. Literally only a season and a half ago Fox decided it was just too expensive and wanted to get rid of it.

ABC picked it up in the middle of the strikes when no new development was happening and they needed to fill out their schedule.

Obviously there's the benefit of consolidation given Disney own ABC, Hulu, and 911 (so they reap all the benefits of viewership now without costly licensing fees), but is that enough?

Fox cancelled 911 because the broadcast ratings - the only ones they really cared about - were too low to justify the cost. Fox might have benefited from the streaming figures too but I'm not sure (I know they have a deal with Hulu but I don't know how that works out in terms of finances).

At the end of the day, ABC may have slightly deeper pockets but they have to think about their bottom line too. Broadcast ratings are lower than they have ever been (even in S6 it was averaging a 0.59 in the demo compared to S8's 0.39). I cannot imagine that ABC's calculation of the cost-benefit of the show is that different from Fox's.

Let's also remember that ABC chose not to pick up Lone Star, even though Lone Star S4 was doing better than 911 is doing now with a 0.45 demo (and was ~$3 million cheaper to boot).

not to get into 911 cancellation #discourse because i think everyone has made up their minds by now, BUT i would like to point out that when people are discussing the end of the show coming sooner rather than later it is not ONLY because of the ratings. "can we stop acting like 911 is on the verge of cancellation when the ratings are still good for abc omg" the ratings are decent. but they're not what they used to be. the ratings continuing to fall, even a fraction, is not going to HELP abc going forward because 911 remains one of the most expensive shows on these non-cable networks. we're already seeing cost-cutting measures this season with more episodes on the schedule. what's a hypothetical season 9 gonna look like? season 10? is 911 even worth keeping on the air if the quality of the product is directly tied to how much money abc is willing to put into it the longer it goes on?

[myemergence]

Like a Brand New Melody

Pairing: Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder

Series: 911 First Kiss Week

@911firstkissweek

Rating: Teen

Summary: Judd and Grace relive the night they met—and their first kiss.

Read it on AO3

Notes: inspired by the song The Stranger by Ingrid Andress. Thanks for the beta, @nurse-buckley

*

Grace sat at the table at the bar, thumb circling the rim of the glass before she leaned forward to take a sip from the straw. She let the muted sound of Patsy Cline’s voice fade into the background as she looked around.

“Gracie,” Tommy said as she made her way over to the table. Grace smoothed a hand down over her floral dress and smiled at her friend. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey, Tommy.” Grace smiled at her friend, though she remained distracted as she sat at the table.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is fine—great, even.”

“Just meeting someone here and he’s running a little late.”

“Someone, huh?” she teased, raising her eyebrow.

Then he stepped into the bar, tall enough to see above the trees with those legs. She took in the sight of him and couldn’t stop the full smile that spread across her lips. He was easy on the eyes, that was for sure, and Grace was certain in that moment that there was absolutely nobody else that she wanted. She watched as he drifted over to the bar and turned her attention back to Tommy.

“Well I’m meeting a few friends,” Tommy said, excusing herself from the table. “I’ll see you around, don’t get into too much trouble tonight, alright?”

Grace waved her off, swirling the straw around in her glass of ice water. He approached the table with a smile. “Howdy,” he said after a minute, taking a few swallows from her beer.

“I didn’t know people still said ‘howdy’,” she teased, watching as his eyes brightened.

“Well we do. Anyway, I was wonderin’ if you might wanna dance,” he said, glancing in the direction of the dance floor, then added for clarification, “with me.”

A laugh slipped past her lips as she swung her legs over the side of the chair, sliding her hand into his offered one. “Of course I do.”

He led her out towards the dance floor, and Grace took note that she couldn’t move as easily as she did even a month ago. On instinct, she rubbed a hand over her stomach.

“You feelin’ okay?” Judd asked, as if the movement were a cry for help.

Grace drew her lips together into a straight line. He was obviously worried that she was going to overdo it, with her growing belly filling the space between them. “I’m feeling fine,” she said incredulously.

She didn’t miss the sheepish smile that crossed his features, it was a look she’d seen on him many times before, increasingly so with the passing weeks. It also meant that asking her now didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to question her another five times before they sat down.

“You look beautiful.”

Grace glanced down at the dress, with its floral detail cascading over her baby bump and then back up into his face. He set a hand on her waist then enveloped her much smaller hand in his own as they started to sway to the music that played. “Thank you. You look quite handsome yourself.”

“I had this feeling that I just might meet someone who’d change my life tonight.”

“A feeling, huh?”

Judd didn’t respond to her teasing, instead shaking his head a little. “You have changed my life, Gracie, even before the first time I met you. I wouldn’t be who I am now without you. There’s a lot I don’t know if I’d have made it through without you there. Your voice, your words, your presence—were life-changing.” She swallowed against the sudden thickness in her throat, the emotion that Judd’s words uncovered overwhelming her all at once. They gazed into each other’s eyes as Judd led her around the dance floor with a confidence that came with the familiarity of time.

“You would have,” Grace finally said, as they moved across the dance floor. “You’re the strongest man I know, Judd. You’ve made it through everything so far in life, and you would’ve made it through that, even if I wasn’t there.”

Judd shook his head a little. “No, and I don’t wanna think about what it would’ve been like—”

“You don’t have to,” Grace reminds him, a small smile crossing her face at the verbal reminder that she didn’t have to go through life without him, either.

“You’re right.” Judd said as he looked down at her, his expression soft with a fondness that Grace never thought she’d experience. A love like theirs was steady and strong, adventurous and thrilling, grounding and life-changing, all at the same time.

They continued to sway to the music, reenacting their first time meeting at this very same bar. Judd swept his thumb over her cheek, the fondness that Grace could so easily see in his eyes reflected in his touch. He dipped his head down to give her a kiss until she pressed a hand against his chest to stop him.

“Judson Ryder, you know that is not how it went. You’d better do it right.” Grace waved an accusatory finger in her husband’s direction, watching as he rolled his eyes.

“You serious?”

Grace raised an eyebrow as she looked up at him, unable to restrain the smile that spread across her face. “What do you think?”

*

The last thing that Grace had expected when she’d met with a few of her friends was to have such a tall man approach her at their table. Well, really, he hadn’t approached her—more like he’d been dragged behind his pretty friend, Tommy.

But the second their eyes met he’d smiled at Grace, looked at her in a way that nobody else had, not once in her life. That look alone made Grace feel things, her stomach clenching, indicating that something was happening even if she didn’t know exactly what that was. Then he’d opened his mouth and smiled at her and she felt as though her heart had stopped, “I’m Judd.”

The second the words slipped past his lips she knew exactly who he was. This man that she’d been talking to through prayer hotline at the church. He’d called one night, obviously struggling and feeling alone, broken-hearted and hopeless, and he couldn’t understand why he’d been the one to survive. He’d been worlds away from self-worth when they first spoke. Then he’d called again and again. As time passed the calls had become less about emergencies and true help that Judd needed, quickly changing into him calling Grace for general life advice. Finally, he’d started calling just because he wanted to hear her voice, hanging up on the other operators who answered the phone until he got her on the line. Which was both terribly inconsiderate and really sweet.

So she’d been too afraid of hurting Judd to tell him that she was leaving the prayer hotline earlier in the week.

It didn’t make sense to feel like she knew this man who she’d never laid eyes on before tonight. Yet she did feel that way and knew him, in an unexplainable way, down to her core. All of her instincts telling her that this is where she was meant to be. Of all the bars in town, how did they both just so happen to be here?

She swayed with Judd on the dance floor, trying not to over analyze it as she moved with him around the dance floor, feeling unusually at ease with his hand on the small of her back. He’d taken the time to tell her about how things had gone with the woman he was trying to make amends with, and let her know that she hadn’t in fact spit on him. She’d forgiven him after all this time.

“I know this is really forward of me, but uh—” Judd flushed but made sure he looked her in the eyes. Grace was fairly certain that if they hadn’t been dancing that he might be even more awkward, though it barely seemed possible. “I’d really like to kiss you.”

Grace’s eyebrows shot up a little as she looked at him, trying not to allow it to transform into a full blown smile.

“Do I look like the kind of girl that kisses a man she only just met?”

“You look like the kind of woman that a man would give up everything for.” Judd cleared his throat again, a perfect flush working its way into his cheeks, and it was all too tempting to reach up and brush her fingers over the soft pink blooming there.

“Plus I’m not sure if it counts as just meeting when we’ve been talkin’ for months now,” Judd added. “You know more about me and what I’ve been through than literally anyone in this world, Grace. You’re the furthest thing from a stranger.”

Grace stopped swaying, looking up at him with a soft smile on her face. The way that his words made her stomach clench was unfamiliar and intoxicating all at once. Feeling this connection with Judd, even if she was only seeing him for the first time today, it made her want him to kiss her now.

Judd looked down at her curiously, his body stilling as well.

“I’d like it if you kissed me,” Grace finally said, watching a smile spread across Judd’s face.

One hand remained on Grace’s waist and he drew her slightly closer from the point of contact, his other hand shifting up to her shoulder, and his thumb brushed lightly against the curve of her neck. That simple, intimate touch made her long for more, for his lips to press against her own. As he bent down her eyes slipped closed, waiting for the feeling of his lips against hers.

Instead, a few seconds later she felt his lips brush against her cheek, pressing a soft kiss there. “I’m a gentleman,” Judd said against her hair before he stood up fully. “If you want more than that you’re gonna have to stick around.”

Grace laughed softly, shaking her head as Judd began to move her around the dance floor again.

And who was she kidding? They both knew that she would.

*

“I know this is really forward of me, “ Judd said and Grace looked up at him with a satisfied grin. He shook his head at her affectionately, though a smile tugged at his own lips. “I’d really like to kiss you.”

“Do I look like the kind of woman that kisses a man she only just met?”

So it looked like she wanted to do the whole bit.

Judd continued to sway as he looked down at her, not able to tear his eyes away from her face.

“You look like the kind of woman a man would give everything up for,” Judd said, remembering the words he spoke in the past. He dropped one hand to her rounded belly, unable to stop the warmth in his chest from spreading. “The kind of woman that a man wants to spend forever with; to make a family with.”

“Judd,” Grace whispered. He bent down and kissed her cheek softly. She waited until he pulled back to look at him impatiently. “Is that how you kiss your wife?”

Judd laughed quietly. “There’s no makin’ you happy, is there? Kiss you like I’m someone you just met, kissing you like you’re my wife—”

“If you don’t stop talking and kiss me already—”

Cutting her words off, Judd moved one hand to the back of her neck, and dipped his head down to kiss her. There wasn’t any pretending that this was their first time, and no awkwardness of getting used to the taste and feel of the other person.

There was a familiarity of thousands of shared kisses, Judd’s knowledge of what Grace liked and what she didn’t. The taste of strawberry lip balm flooded his tongue as he swept it along the crease of her lips, her fingers bunching his shirt at the sides. She pulled back a few moments later, breathless as Judd rested his forehead against hers.

“Let’s go home,” Grace whispered.

“Baby, we just got here.”

“I know.” Grace threaded their fingers together and Judd smiled down at her. Staying in place he brought her hand up to press a kiss against the back of her hand.

“Okay,” Judd agreed, leading her away from the dance floor. As incredible as their first meeting had been, Judd knew that it didn’t compare to what they’d created together over the past few years. “Let’s go home.”

[demigodsanswer]

Clarisse and the Labyrinth

While she had been on a mission from Chiron to investigate the Labyrinth in Manhattan, she hadn’t been planning to actually enter the maze. She ended up stuck in the maze relatively unprepared. She had her backpack with her, which had nectar, ambrosia, and enough food and water to barely last her a week if she very carefully rationed it. But she knew she needed to get out. 

She figured the only way out was forward once she lost the exit into Manhattan. She was the first modern demigod they knew of to enter the maze, so she didn’t know what to expect.

She ended up trapped for what felt like 9 days. Each day, she cut a strip of fabric from her shirt and tied it to her necklace to keep track. On the 8th and 9th days, all she could do was take a sip of nectar every few hours to stay alive. 

She had already had an uncountable number of monster attacks. Three of them had nearly killed her; she only barely escaped. One of the more deadly one got a good swipe at her braid, pulling her by her hair until she was able to get a hold of her knife to cut her own hair off. She was weak, tried, starving, and dehydrated. She was pretty sure she was going to die in there. 

And then she finally, finally, by the grace of something, she found a way out. She found a delta insignia and the maze opened into an abandoned building. 

The first things she noticed was that it was hot and bright. 

She stepped out of the building on weak and weary legs, and almost cried when she saw where she was. 

She was in Phenix - she was maybe two blocks from where her mother was a dance teacher. She made her way, injured and thirsty, down the street until she got there. 

She must have looked awful, because the woman working the desk clearly didn’t want to let her in. But Clarisse said she was Madeline’s daughter and asked if she was working and the woman looked shocked. She said Madeline wasn’t in, but that she would call her to pick Clarisse up. 

While she waited, Clarisse drank so much water from the fountain she thought she might throw up. The woman working the desk offered her the first aid kit or an ambulance, but Clarisse refused. She would be okay once she was home. 

She hadn’t been home since she was ten. She would turn fifteen in March. She and her mom had talked in the meantime, but they were so different in every way except their stubbornness and temper than their relationship had always felt strained. They loved each other, but they didn’t particularly like each other.

But while she was in the maze, all she could think of was how she had never told her mom what she was doing. Her mom wouldn’t understand if she died. Her mom didn’t understand demigod things. 

When her mom showed up, Clarisse saw her through the dance studio’s glass doors, and she ran out to greet her. Her mom is sobbing as soon as she sees Clarisse. Her mom, she realizes, is looking at her like she’s just come back from the dead. 

She was. “I thought you were dead!” Her mom yells. She held her tighter, “Oh baby, what did they do to you?” 

“I’m not dead,” Clarisse assured her. 

 “Chiron called me two weeks ago and told me you were missing and that you were likely dead.” 

Clarisse was crying and holding her mother too, until she realized what she said. “Two weeks ago? No, I’ve been in there for 8, maybe 9 days?” 

 Clarisse’s mom shook her head and said, “No, when they called me, they said you had already been missing for a week.” 

“What day is it?” 

“November 21st.” 

Clarisse almost fell over, and not just from exhaustion and hunger. She had gone into the labyrinth on the 1st. She had to call Chiron. 

“Can we go home? I’ll explain everything there.” 

Clarisse isn’t sure how her mom drove home, she was crying so much. When they got to their home, Clarisse went right to her mom’s room, so to avoid her grandfather. Her grandfather was sick with dementia, and Madeline hadn’t told him that they thought Clarisse was dead - she didn’t want to until she decided to have a funeral. So she didn’t want him to see Clarisse torn up and injured. She told Clarisse to take a shower and put on her robe, she would go to Walmart and get her something to wear and eat. 

When her mom left she called Chiron, not bothering to shower first. 

Chiron looked like he might pass out when he saw her. 

When he asked what happened, Clarisse thought she might break down. Thinking of the things she fought, the number of times she almost died for the first time was a lot to handle. 

She’s always been someone to wear her emotions on her face if she didn’t consciously control them, so Chiron could tell she had been through something traumatic. He told her she didn’t have to tell them yet. 

The one thing she did tell him was that it was nearly unsurvivable. “I survived the sea of monsters and my father. If I barely lived, few others will too. If Luke is sending demigods in there, I don’t think we have much to worry about yet. Not unless they find a way to navigate it.”

Then she told him that she wouldn’t be going back in. “I can’t do that again. I won’t survive again.” 

He says he completely understands and that he will arrange for a flight to take her back to camp. 

“I’m not coming back. At least not right away. I’m staying in Phoenix. At least until the new year. I haven’t been home in four years,” then she started to cry despite her efforts. “All I could think of while I was in there, dying, was that I hadn’t seen my mother in years. I miss my mom. You should have seen how she looked at me. Like I was back from the dead. I can’t ... I can’t come back right now. I need to stay here. And heal. Not just physically.” 

Chiron nodded, understanding. He assured her that when she wanted to come back, they would arrange for it. “Sherman has been running your cabin. He refused to burn your shroud last week when it had been two weeks since we had last heard from you.” 

That made Clarisse smile. “He’s always been on my side. Tell him he’s in charge until I come back. Tell them I’m alive and okay. But tell them not to call me. I can’t ... not right now.” 

Chiron understood that too. “They’ll be happy to know that you’re okay.” 

Clarisse just sniffled and thanked him, She said that she would try and investigate the opening she had found and see if she could close it. Chiron thanked her for that, and then told her to get some rest, and call if she needed anything. 

Clarisse spends most of the time in the shower, scrubbing off grime. When her mom got home, she changed into pajamas and fell asleep on the couch until her mother woke up up to eat something. 

The two of them pretty much cried the entire day, with it coming in short bursts. Clarisse tells her mom that she wants to stay, and her mother cries and tells her to stay for as long as she wants. 

The first two weeks are great. They hardly fight (and when they do, it’s low stakes and just the result of their temperaments), and Clarisse likes getting to spend time with her grandfather.  

But in the third week, early in December, she’s investigating the opening to Labyrinth, and she finds Chris. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck me, fuck me, fuck, fuck, fuck.” she mutters to herself as she walks up to him. 

When she gets closer, she realizes that he doesn’t recognize her - in fact, he doesn’t seem to recognize anything. He’s insane, she realizes. 

She brings him home before he can be arrested and institutionalized. She calls Chiron, and realizes that the fates have decided that her vacation is over. It’s time to get back to work. 

It takes over two weeks for them to figure out how to get him back to camp. He couldn’t get on a plane, and a long car ride with a madman seems like a bad idea. A flying chariot isn’t ideal - he might panic and try and jump. 

For the two weeks Chris lives with them, Clarisse and her mom start to call their house “the asylum” because of her grandfather and Chris. Twice, Chris forgot how to speak English, and her grandfather heard him speaking Spanish and called 911 claiming there was an “illegal” in his home. Clarisse had to hide in her room with him, trying to keep him quiet. She learned that if he was watching Star Wars, he would pretty much be quiet for the duration of the film.

Finally, Beckendorf and Lee Fletcher designed a larger sized chariot, meant for four, with one section enclosed and comfortable for Chris to rest in. They decide that Will will travel with them to help keep Chris calm and maybe heal him. it would be Chris, Pollux, Will, and Clarisse on the chariot. 

"You should find a way to get a portable DVD player. He likes Star Wars,” she told them.

They manage to get him back with only mild struggle. When she gets back, she learns that Annabeth and Percy had a few hunters have gone on a quest. 

Chiron asks Chris if he remembers anything, if he remembers why he was in the Labyrinth. When Chiron hears him mention “string,” Luke’s plan becomes clear. Clarisse realizes they can’t be done with the Labyrinth. But she won’t go back in, she tells Chiron. She’s done. She’ll share what she knows, and help where she can. But she can’t - she won’t - go back in. 

Chris scares her, she admits to Will one day. They don’t know what specifically drove him mad, but it’s not hard for her to believe that it would happen. She had hardly had a good nights sleep since she got out - she had been plagued by nightmares and memories. The dark and tight spots had become triggers for anxiety. Someone accidentally turned the bathroom lights out when she was in the showers at camp and she had a full-blown panic attack. She worried she would go mad next. 

[gatheringroses]

I highly doubt that anyone that sees this post will even know what the hell is going on with my life, or care, but I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing it for my sanity. Long ago ( or maybe not so depending on how one looks at it ) I wrote for pleasure, I write to process things, it was my therapy if you will. If you’d like to skip over this, I won’t hold it against you.

I, am many things.  Daughter, care giver, friend, aunt, godmother. You know all of those hokey cliches that we attach to women that have fallen into the care giver role. Lost both of my parents at the start of 2020, being thrown for a loop and trying to process it. I ended up selling what little I owned and am still trying to sell off the property to the place I called home . Ended up setting up house with a cousin who, as some may know, has been...interesting to say the least. At first I thought she was just overly sensitive to the world and it’s workings. I’ve learned now that she’s a leech and passive aggressively manipulative. She’s blown through various family members and has no idea how to stand on her own two feet. She expects others to just simply take care of her while she floats through the world because she’s “too sick to do anything.” I’ve tried being understanding. I’ve tried just about damn near everything short of packing my shit and leaving her to rot  ( believe me there are days when just running from her and her ever changing mood fluctuations sounds like heaven. ) The 911 calls, the special diets, doctor’s appointments, midnight car rides with the hammer down to get to her because she’s two hours away at a friend’s house and all but projectile vomiting because she ‘ate something that didn’t agree with her.’ even more doctor’s appoints and vouching for her that she’s ill. I think that’s the sticking point. She made me a pawn in her game to get exactly what she wanted. She doesn’t give two shits that I care. That I lose sleep routinely getting up and checking to see if she’s still breathing. That I work myself into knots doing jobs that cause my hands to chap, my back to ache or for me to come home with a ringing in my ears and clothes that smell like booze. She doesn’t know how hard to a God, that I sincerely think has forgotten that I exist or has simply turned his back to me, that she’d pull through this last time she had a seizure before my very eyes again. I’m strictly a shower person now. I can’t take the sound of sloshing water or the scent of overly scented bubble bath. 

I grew up in a household where Mom didn’t have a maternal bone in her body and Dad was too afraid of not seeing me again to *do* something, like, oh I dunno divorce her. But I digress, perhaps I put too much emphasis on family as I did not have the traditional home life one would expect. Knock down drag out fights where you see your mother chuck an enamel roasting pan on Thanksgiving at your father’s head because he said the meal was ‘good’ instead of excellent kind of colors your world in the wrong way. So does hearing your mother constantly bad mouth not only you but your father isn’t great either. Being belittled in front of friends was a regular occurrence until I stopped having people over.  I was brought up in a household where I was wanted by only one parent and virtually hated for being alive by the other. “I don’t want to even look at you.’ and ‘Hey, stupid what’re you flinching for?’ were favorite sayings.  So, yeah, that childhood partnered with very firm handling in the physical punishment department I learned to make myself useful, because ‘if you’re useful they can’t get mad at you.’  Partner all of that with the shock of losing both parents in one fell swoop ( a total of 56 days. )  grief came at me harder than I’d ever expected it to. ( I don’t care what anyone says, you can still grieve a parent even if you hated them or they hated you. You mourn what you could have had not the what was. )has created a sort of a hellish mix of fuck knows what in me.  My once type A personality and fear of the unknown has been flipped. I’m very very slowly rebuilding myself one brick at a time. 

  I mean I’ve always thought I never quite belonged anywhere, maybe it’s just my personality or the fact that home was fucked up, I don’t know. I’m currently working two jobs and have a third for seasonal work lined up. I put my entire life on hold to care for my parents, did I have to? No. I had a strong sense of duty to do it. Why? Not one damn clue. Maybe I thought if I showed my mother just how devoted I was to her she’d somehow finally love me. It didn’t happen. Pretty damn sad isn’t it?   I essentially painted myself into a corner the first time I’m going to be damned if it’s going to happen a second. I deserve to go out and live. I deserve to experience what this world has to offer, fall in love again, live a life with no regrets. I’m not doing that stagnating here caring for someone who, quite frankly has used me right out of the gate. Pretty words and compliments drip from a liar’s tongue like honey from a hive. I’ve come to hate the taste of honey these days. I deserve to be high on life and drunk on the strange brew of new experiences. I would give everything I’ve got ( at this point it isn’t much but it’s all I’ve got ) to set up a more stable base for myself and not have to worry about coming home from work and finding my cousin dead. Her sisters have made their peace with it, I, for some ungodly reason haven’t. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to not have anyone give a damn about you when you’re down? Maybe I’m just a soft touch. But that softness is hardening. A bitterness is sinking into me. Girl has a pain pill problem along with a slew of mental issues on top of an eating disorder. I’ve taken to locking up my medical marijuana and Xanax just in case.  I’ve also taken to busying myself with anything so I don’t have to talk to her. If I do I’m going to blow up and there won’t be anything left of her. I don’t want to be an angry person or a bitter one or worse yet a hellish mixture of both. How can I love someone and hate them all at the same time? Am I remembering the ‘hate the sin but love the sinner?’ mindset from when I attended church? Or am I just slowly becoming numb? I truly know what it’s like to be hated and I wouldn’t wish that on a single soul.  

Are you at the point where you’re scratching your head and  going ‘why the hell am I reading this crazy bitch’s blog?’ or ‘why am I reading this?’ or ‘Please tell me she’s in therapy.’  I’d like to say. I’ve no idea, you were bored? I haven’t got a clue, why am I writing it? Yes, yes I am in therapy. It’s helping but I’ve got a few decades of damage to try and undo.  I do, however have a wonderful support system a few assorted family members, old friends and some new ( you know who you are. If you’ve read this mention roses the next time we have a chat. ;) ) that have been more than kind and generous with their time and advice. I do realize my life has hit a low point. But it can’t always rain. My faith is unwavering and my well of hope is endless. I’ve got to keep going and moving forward without regret. 

[wrunic]

How to Write an Accurate Lifeguard AU

So! It’s summer, which means everyone is writing lifeguarding AUs, and I, a lifeguard, am subjected to the same common mistakes being written over and over, so I’ve taken it upon myself to inform the public as best I can, because information is the best gift you can give anyone, especially a writer.

Before we begin, a PSA: I’m Canadian, so my information is valid primarily in Canada, and might be slightly different in other countries. I also guard at an outdoor summer pool, so my experience (and my advice) will be focused on how to write that experience, though I will talk a bit about guarding lakes and beaches. Cool? Cool! Let’s go!

Least to Most Dangerous Places to Guard:

Outdoor Pools: Low incident levels. Good visibility in the water, lots of people on shift at once, limited area for people to swim. Especially if you work at a private pool, like me, where people have to pay a membership fee, and are generally strong/experienced swimmers unlikely to experience a drowning incident.

Lakes (at a dock): Higher incident levels, and lower visibility in the water. With the added presence of things like rocks and branches in the water, injuries to feet are common. Drowning incidents are more common because it’s more difficult to tell where the bottom is, and you’ll probably be getting less experienced swimmers. Docks have a tendency to be very slippery, so you’ll probably get a few people hurting themselves there too. (Fun fact, if a lifeguard tells you not to run, it’s because they don’t want you to slip! We’re not just doing it to be annoying, spinal injuries and concussions are no fun for anyone.) Even if the area people are allowed to swim in is limited, people are liable to ignore it, which poses an added danger.

Beaches (with waves): Highest incident levels. The ocean is not to be fucked with. Visibility is low, and currents and tides are liable to drag even strong swimmers out. It’s actually not as uncommon as you’d hope for lifeguards trying to help a drowning victim to end up needing to be saved themselves. Beaches also attract a lot of people, which means there are a lot of people to keep track of, many of whom might not be strong swimmers, or might even be complete non-swimmers. Again, even if the area is limited, people might ignore it. A lifeguard working at a beach will be very good at their job.

And that pretty much exhausts my knowledge of things that aren’t outdoor pools. Everything from here on out will apply to those specifically.

The Basics:

1. If someone is on chair, they aren’t going to be talking to anyone

When you’re on chair, you’re watching the pool. You have to be paying attention, because you’re the one who’s supposed to notice an incident if it happens. Unless you want to show a lifeguard being terrible at their job, they won’t be chatting while watching the pool. Shifts on chair usually last fifteen minutes at one chair, fifteen minutes at the next, with two people guarding simultaneously, though this varies depending on the pool.

2. Lifeguards are not doctors, but they aren’t useless either

Lifeguards are trained in first aid, which means we know how to treat basic injuries, perform CPR, and use a spinal board. More often than not, if there’s a major incident, we’re calling 911. However, we do have to training. Where I live, the required qualifications are a Bronze Medallion Certification, a Bronze Cross Certification, a First Aid Certification, and a National Lifeguard Certification. It took me three years to be fully qualified. The qualifications in the U.S aren’t as strenuous, but I’m not an expert, so if you have a specific area you want to look into, I suggest doing it.

3. If your character is bad with kids, they’ll be a bad lifeguard

They don’t have to be amazing, but they should be able to treat a child with at least basic courtesy. You have to spend a lot of time with kids, usually injured ones, and if you’re not good at dealing with them, you’re screwed. More often than not, lifeguards are also swim instructors and coaches, (I teach swimming lessons and the U8 synchronized swimming team) so that’s even more kids. If you just want a very simple “they only watch the pool” lifeguard, that’s also a thing, and you’ll be able to ignore later sections of this post. Nevertheless, your lifeguard should still be at least okay with kids.

4. No swearing on shift

Like I mentioned, we work with kids. That also means we have to deal with crazy parents (more on that later) and they don’t like when people swear around their kids. So, no swearing at the pool! It’s a small detail, but it does a lot for realism.

5. Crazy parents

Pool parents are all the worst parts of entitled people yelling at retail workers, overprotective helicopter parents, and ridiculously competitive parents trying to relive their glory days through their children. They can also be really cool, but showing your character having to navigate dealing with an angry parent is, again, good realism, and a fun character  and relationship building tool! Lifeguards talk trash about crazy parents all the time, so if you’re writing a group, it’s a great way to show them bonding. They won’t do it on shift though (same deal as the swearing, you’ll get in trouble)

6. Not all lifeguards are equal

There is a hierarchy within the pool staff. The more years you work at a pool, the more you get payed, the better your shifts are, and the more say you get in the way the pool is run. You’ll never be fully in charge (the pool is usually managed by a committee of parents and owned by the city) but you get more responsibilities. We have supervisors we send troublesome members to, and newbies who get the worst shifts.

7. It’s not all sitting on a chair watching the pool

Lifeguards aren’t just lifeguards. They’re also custodians, teachers, and coaches. We clean the bathrooms and garbages, we sweep the deck, we vacuum the bottom of the pool, we skim the bugs off the surface, we put all the chairs and floaties away at the end of the day. That’s pretty universal, but beyond that is where things start getting more specialized, because I live in an area where most families basically live at their summer pools. I’m not sure if it’s even like this in other parts of Canada. However, if you want to add some excitement (and cute kids) to your story or AU, this is the way to do it.

I mentioned earlier that I teach swimming lessons. Everyone who wants to work as a lifeguard in my area has to take an additional course where they learn to teach the various levels of swimming lessons. If you want to get even more elaborate, pools also usually have swim teams, diving teams, synchro teams and waterpolo teams, along with things like aquafit and free swim. Adding any of those into your mix could be a fun twist on relationships, since there’s joking rivalry between a lot of the sports (especially synchro and waterpolo). Additional interaction with kids, parents, and young teenagers will be required if you plan on throwing any of these in.

8. The swimsuits are the uniform

This isn’t a huge thing, but it’s important. You have to potentially save a life in that suit. It’s going to be practical. For girls, if you’re teaching, it’s a one piece, but if you’re on chair it’s usually a bikini, which generally looks like some very full coverage underwear and a practical sports bra. Guys have swim trunks. You also aren’t allowed to wear shoes on shift, (other than flip-flops) because swimming in shoes is nigh on impossible.

9. The staff is super close

There’s drama sometimes, sure, but you have to spend your entire summer with these people. You see them every day, whether you’re working or going out together. You have bonding days, you see each other in swimsuits more often than clothes, you deal with the same annoying parents and maintenance problems. You’ve probably seen everyone drunk or at least dealing with other staff members being drunk. You go out regularly, (lifeguard parties are real, and most mornings at least half our staff is hungover) you exchange secrets and embarrassing stories during slow shifts. These are your best friends from June to September. They’re your family.

10. To be a lifeguard, you have to REALLY want it

I’ve talked about all the courses, the crazy parents, and the sheer amount of things you have to do, so this should be pretty clear. But in case you needed to be convinced further, my manager said at one of our staff meetings that they’re “trying to make sure no one’s working more than fifty hours a week”. We work all the time, in the blazing summer heat, doing a job that ranges from boring to wonderful to absolutely terrifying. If you aren’t guarding you’re teaching, if you aren’t teaching you’re coaching, if you aren’t coaching you’re actually still coaching except it’s at a different pool for a competition. It’s a lot, but if you love it, you really love it.

And Finally, a Breakdown of Why I Hate the “Fake Drowning to Get CPR” Trope

Putting aside the consent issues, it’s also stupid, and here’s why:

CPR is only performed on unconscious, non-breathing victims. That means you’d have to fake being unconscious, and hold your breath through the entire process, which is impossible. Believe me, playing victim in training is hard. Not to mention, you can’t stop your own heart, and we monitor heart rate.

Lets say you were able to fake it. It’s at this point that this bad boy come into play:

This is a pocket mask. You put it over a victim’s mouth to avoid direct mouth to mouth contact, because, you know, ew.

Now, pretend there was no pocket mask and you really think getting air violently blown into your mouth before having your ribs broken by someone desperately trying to restart your heart is a good way to get a “kiss” from the hot lifeguard. Bad news: it might not be them doing breaths.

Removing an unconscious person from the pool is hard, and is usually a two person job. So even if the object of your affections is the one getting you out of the water, they might be the one doing compressions, while the person who helped with the removal does breaths.

They’ll also be wearing gloves the whole time, because CPR can sometimes make people vomit, and they might have to scoop the vomit out of your mouth.

Romantic, right?

But wait, it gets worse, because there’s no way you’d get that far. You’d get caught as soon as they checked your breathing, your heart rate, or your consciousness level. Depending on at what point they caught you, EMS might already have been contacted, at which point you’d have several lifeguards and a whole crew of paramedics absolutely furious at you, and probably a ban from the pool.

Moral of the story, don’t do it.

Hope this was helpful to someone!

[xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx]

Everybody wants Somebody - Frank Iero x Reader

Request: Could you write something inspired by "Everybody wants Somebody"? I'm not sure who with ahaha, but it's such a good song and it tells such a good story, and idk it seemed like a good did idea but now I feel bad oh dear.  

A/N: No reason to feel bad, sweetie! Why would you feel bad? I wrote it with Frank Iero, I hope that’s okay

Word count: 1 911

It was only a few minutes until lunch break, but you barely noticed. You were far too concentrated on secretly watching your crush. It was black, disheveled hair and pale skin, a red flannel and long, thin fingers with which he gesticulated while answering the teacher’s question. His name was Jake and you had been head over heels for him for almost two months now. If you had not been so shy you probably would have had the courage to talk to him already, maybe even asked him out. But you were not very self-confident and Jake was one of the most popular students. The chances to get a date with him were slim, but not zero. You had in fact talked to him a few times. You were good in English literature and he was not, so he had asked you for help. In the beginning you had believed he was flirting with you, but now you were not so sure anymore because he had made no further move. Maybe he was waiting for you to approach him? What were the chances that he would reject you if you asked him out? Not that you were planning to, just out of interest.

You were torn out of your thoughts by the ringing of the bell that announced lunch break. Quickly you got up and packed your stuff. Jake was slower than you so you walked past him, able to get a glance at his face. His lips were red and he was smiling brightly about something his best friend had just told him. When you walked past him, he looked up at you with piercing blue eyes and nodded. You smiled at him and quickly walked out of the classroom, your heart beating a hundred miles an hour.

When you reached your locker, your best friend Frank was waiting for you already. He had short black hair, a lip and a nose piercing and wore earrings.

“What’s up,” he asked as you unlocked your locker to put your things inside.

“The usual,” you answered bored. Frank was a great friend, but sometimes he tended to overlook other peoples’ misery which made it hard to have a serious conversation with him. Yet he was the only one who knew about your crush on Jake. Who else would you tell? He was your closest friend, if anyone could keep a secret of yours, it was him.

Satisfied with your response he hummed and waited for you to finish with your locker before you walked to the lunch room together. As usual you sat in a corner of the room from where you could perfectly see Jake’s table. He sat there with some of his friends and was laughing.

Frank noticed your repeated looks at the other table and sighed.

“Still him?”

“Yeah,” you muttered between two bits of your food.

“You really should go talk to him or something,” Frank suggested. “I’m sick of seeing you so lovesick for this guy.” Frank was always careful not to mention Jake’s name in public, to make sure no one overheard anything and knew too much.

“I can’t just go over and ask him out, though, can I?” Bitterly you took a sip from your water and looked helplessly at Frank. “He’d just plainly reject me!”

“That’s because he doesn’t know you! Maybe you can ask him if he needs help with literature and you can help him study. This way he gets to know you better, I mean, he has already asked for help before, hasn’t he?”

Frank had a point and you hated to admit it. “Yeah, but maybe he got better and doesn’t need my help anymore…” You were not sure if you actually wanted to get to know Jake better or if you preferred staying in your happy little bubble, where he was perfect to you.

“If you don’t ask, you’ll never know,” Frank reminded you.

You nodded. He was probably right. “I’ll ask him tomorrow, okay? That’s the plan. I’ll ask him if he needs help with literature and if he doesn’t, we’ll think of something else.”

“Deal, and don’t you dare breaking it!”

Frank laughed at his own words and you joined him, even though you already started feeling sick about the thought of having to talk to Jake.

“Are we still going over to your place after school,” Frank changed the topic.

“Sure, meeting outside the school as usual?”

“Yup,” Frank agreed before finally paying attention to his food again and leaving you to stare at Jake.

~*~

You were waiting outside the school for Frank, the students all walking past you.

“Theo is the only guy I’ll ever love!”

You quickly covered your ears from the high pitched scream of one of the cheerleaders, Janet. Some people apparently were not afraid to announce their love so openly, even though everyone knew Theo was already in a relationship.

You sighed deeply. Love was truly a minefield and if you did not pay attention, it was far too easy to be blown up.

“There you are!” Frank quickly walked over to you, hugging you. “Are you ready to go?”

You nodded and followed him to his old, silver colored van and hopped in the passenger seat.

A few minutes later he pulled into the driveway of your parents’ house.

“Mind if I quickly use the bathroom,” Frank asked as you walked to the front door together.

“You know the way,” you told him. Of course he knew the way. He had been at your place many times before. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

You preferred studying in the kitchen because the kitchen table was big enough for two people to spread their notes. You threw your bag onto the table and set up some hot water for tea. While you were waiting for the water to boil, you pulled out your phone and looked through your messages. One of the first notifications you saw was from instagram, telling you that Jake had just posted a picture. Curious you opened the post, expecting a picture of his dog. When the picture had loaded, the blood froze in your veins. It felt as if the floor beneath your feet was slipping away and the air was drawn out of your lungs.

“(y/n)? Hey, (y/n)!”

Frank was waving his hands before your eyes and you looked up at him, tears starting to prick at the corner of your eyes.

Wordlessly you handed Frank the phone that still displayed the picture of Jake and Janet kissing. Frank quickly read the words under the photo. “Finally I am with the girl of my dreams”.

“Aw, man,” Frank whispered, putting the phone aside and wrapped his arms tightly around you. You started to cry into his warm embrace. You felt like your very insides were being torn apart and nothing could ever help you heal again.

Frank gently guided you to the sofa in the living room and sat you down, wrapping his arms around you again. He patiently waited until your sobs had died down, massaging small circles into your back.

“She doesn’t even love him,” you sobbed quietly. “Just after school she said she was in love with Theo.”

Frank remained silent. He probably did not know what to say.

“I wish I head your life,” you sighed. “No stupid falling in love, no heartbreak, no pain…” Tears started to well up in your eyes again.

“Oh trust me, (y/n), I’m broken hearted too.”

Confused you sat up. “Really? Why? Because of who?”

“Because of someone I like, silly,” Frank chuckled, but he sounded weird.

A sting went through your heart, as if you were not in enough pain already. “Who? Why did you never tell me?”

“Because I wanted you to notice!” Suddenly he was standing. Anger and disappointment glistened in his eyes.  “If you actually payed attention to your friends, even while having a crush on someone else, you would have noticed that I have been in love you for ages! But you were always too busy to crush on random assholes that would only treat you like shit anyway!”

You felt like you had been hit in the face with a brick. Your brain was still working on processing the information you had just received, when Frank stormed out of the door and a few seconds later drove his car out of the drive way.

Your parents found you curled into a tight ball, crying on the sofa. At first they tried to cheer you up, but when that did not work, they made you talk. And for the first time in ages you really opened up to them. About the crush you had had on Jake and how he now had a girlfriend and how Frank had confessed his feelings to you. And while you talked you started realizing more and more things, so you kept talking, told your parents how it had taken Frank’s confession for you to realize your own feelings for him. But they were not fireworks whenever you saw him, they were feeling safe, when he was around, laughing without anyone joking, falling asleep while watching movies and making fun of annoying people. It was subtle but deep, deeper than any other crush before, and it had been there for a long time. But you only realized it now, that you probably had lost him.

Frank was not in school the next day.

Or the day after that.

You decided to give him time, even if it was unbearable for you, not to have him around. You missed him with every fiber of your body, but apparently he needed time off, so that’s what you gave him. The only thing you did was writing little good night messages to him every day on WhatsApp. But he never answered.

It was Monday and you were waiting at yours and Frank’s locker, just as you had during the breaks when he was not in school. But today you spotted the mop of black hair on the short boy walking closer to you until he stood right in front of you. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he was going to get sick any minute. He wore torn jeans and a black shirt with a sweater over it.

“You haven’t been to school,” you noticed.

“I needed some off time,” Frank answered. His voice sounded monotone, like he was not interested in explaining anything to you.

You stared at him and your heart started to speed up. You felt so bad for never noticing anything and you felt even worse knowing that you were the reason Frank looked so lifeless.

“Are we good,” you wondered, your eyes scanning the boy’s face.

“We’re good,” Frank replied with a sigh.

“Good, because I’m about to mess this up again,” you decided. Before Frank had the chance to ask and before you could change your mind, you grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close, crashing your lips into his soft pink ones. It felt like an electric shock going through you, the moment your lips touched. You hoped and prayed that Frank would not push you away. The feeling of his body against yours was far too precious for that. You wanted to keep him as close as that forever, but if he rejected you now, everything was over.

 He kissed back.

[pieceoftopcrap]

Dear Tyler

Hello you all. So I wrote this fic and it's kind of different from anything else I've done. I hope you enjoy and feel free to request anything! WARNINGS: mentions of depression and suicide Dear Tyler, Hey. You surely know me. I'm your best friend of course. I just wanted to write this. There are some things you need to know. Some things I want to tell you. I think it's about time I tell you. Especially considering the circumstances. I still remember the first day we met. Don't you? It was the fourth day of seventh grade and I had just moved to Columbus that summer, so I had no friends. I was walking around outside when a basketball slammed into my head. I was ready to punch whoever had thrown the ball when a small, brown haired kid ran over, his jaw dropped. He had emphatically apologized which caused me to automatically forgive the boy. He then told me his name was Tyler and I told him my name. And that's how we became friends. I also remember my thirteenth birthday party. My parents were in their room, again, with the door shut. But even that door couldn't block out the screaming and hatred illuminating from that room. This home had been void of love and happiness for years now. I sat in the corner of my room, hands ball up in fists as I cried my heart out. My parents had been too busy to even remember my birthday but now they had done this too. I then heard a small knock at my window and looked over at you. I opened my window and you jumped in, instantly suffocating me in a huge hug. You told me to come with you and we both hopped out the window. You led me to your house and when you opened the door, decorations were up and four presents along with cake sat on your kitchen table with your family cheering and smiling. That was the day your family accepted me in. I also remember the first time we went to a party. We were 15 and it was some random girls party, the name I couldn't even remember. I had been dragged into a game of spin the bottle and you sat across from me, wearing a sweater with dark jeans. Once it was my turn, I timidly reached for the bottle and spun it. After what seemed like years, it landed on you. You leaned over, whispered that we were best friends and it was okay, and softly kissed me on the lips. My stomach instantly filled with butterflies and my cheeks became red. That was my first kiss. It was junior year and I was with my friend, Emma, as we sat at one of your basketball games. I kept my eyes on you, watching as you made your way to the court. Emma sighed and nudged me slightly. "When are you ever going to tell him?" is all she said but I knew exactly what she was talking about. I kept my eyes on you and felt those same butterflies from the first time we kissed, but 1000x bigger. It was senior year when it happened. I had anxiety attacks before. I was bullied. But as one of the meanest boys at school had me huddled in a corner, talking about how "no boy would ever look in my direction" and that I was a "freak show with disastrous parents", I felt tears run down my cheeks as my fists were balled up, just like my 13th birthday. Kids stood around watching, pointing, and laughing as hot tears ran down my cheeks and my breathing became shaky. Next thing I knew, a brunette boy punched the boy, muttering a simple "Fuck you." as he walked towards me. I was in full blown anxiety mode as you leaned down, kissed my head, picked me up, and carried me right out of the school and to your house. You were suspended for three days but you said you didn't care. I remember the second time we kissed. I had gone to some college party at your campus because some friend had invited you. I sat there, my anxiety high as sweaty, intoxicated bodies filled the room. You pulled me into some random room, locked the door, and let me sit on the bed as you stood in front of me, watching me breath frantically. "It's okay." You said over and over again as you stroked my face. You looked deep in my eyes and slowly reached out and kissed me, your soft lips meeting mine. You pulled away quickly, mumbling a sorry, and then we left the party and head to your house. My life has been anything but a fairytale. I know that. It's been a burden that I've been carrying around for years now. But I don't want to carry it anymore. I'm tired, Tyler. And I can't stand to see you watch me cry again. You've done it so many times already that I've lost count. I'm a burden. I don't want to be a burden. Especially to you. Because, God dammit Tyler Joseph, I love you. So fucking much. But it hurts. Life hurts and I need to numb the pain. Please don't cry or be sad. Move on, start that band you've talked about, and live life. I love you, Ty. Treat yourself well. ---- He dropped the letter, eyes full of tears as he read the last sentence. He felt dizzy. He couldn't breathe. He felt as if he was being held back. He sat up from the chair and clutched the letter in his hand as his other one grabbed his phone. He dialed the three numbers. "911, what's your emergency?" "My friend may have committed suicide." ---- He stood in the rain, the drops of water pounding on his black tux as he stood at her burial site. He held a small bouquet of white tulips in his hand. Her favorite. He remembered when he bought her some when he asked her to prom. He watched as people left. Her parents had been the first ones gone. Tears had flowed out of her mothers eyes as she realized she was part of the reason. Apparently she had written them a letter too. His parents stood behind him silently but he still felt so alone. She was a light in his life that had been extinguished. He was lost and in the dark. "Tyler, sweetie, we should probably get going." His mother whispered but he continued to stare at the photo of her near her site. She looked so happy, a big smile on her face. He had taken the photo they used for her service. He remembered as they were in his room, smiling and laughing and he caught the moment with that photo. She looked happy. "Please. We could never imagine what you're going through but we are here for you." They kept saying that. Everybody was saying that. We're here for you. He only needed one person to be there for him. And she was gone. ---- He could breath. His hands shook violently as his body crumbled before him, bringing him to his knees. He dropped the box of dusty photos, all full of the same smiling face. She was gone, gone, gone. And it was his fault. He knew she had troubles. But he didn't know how bad it was. Tears ran down his cheeks as he gripped one photo in his hand, holding it tightly against his chest. It had been a photo from their graduation. They both seemed so ready and prepared for the world. If only she knew that she was his world and now she was gone. ---- He sat in the plain, modern office with the same woman staring at his again, waiting for him to speak. But he never did. "Tyler, I know you are in pain but you need to talk to something. You can't let this eat at you forever. It isn't your fault." He scoffed, one of the first sounds he has made with this therapist his parents set him up with. Of course it was his fault. She left and he didn't stop her. Couldn't stop her. ---- "I'm glad you are finally talking." The therapist said with a smile that made him want to die. "Only because my parents." "That's okay. As long as you are talking. That's enough for me." There was a long string of silence. "Tyler, this may be a sensitive topic-" "Because my friend committing suicide isn't sensitive enough." Another pause. "Did you possibly love her? As in more than a deep friendship?" He clenched his eyes shut as tears threatened to spill. "She was my everything. She was my world. And the fact that I'm saying was instead of is right now kills me." He looks up at the therapist who shows the first ounce of real emotion he's ever seen from her. "I loved that girl more than anyone can love anything. I was going to tell her that." "When, Tyler?" "I was walking out the door to walk to her place to tell her when I saw the letter." ---- Tyler sat on the grass, his eyes trained the gravestone before him. He placed the white tulips down in front of him before taking a deep breath. "I never officially told you. And I'm not sure if you can hear or if there is a heaven. I'm not sure I can believe anything right now. But, if you can hear, I want you to know that I was madly, truly, deeply in love with you. More than one would ever understand. I still am. And I hate to say it, but I'm afraid that I always will be." ---- He stood at he same site, with the same white tulips, staring at the same gravestone. But everything seemed different now. "Hey there. I'm sorry I don't come a lot now. I'm on tour. Yeah...I know. It's been crazy. Josh, I've mentioned him before, is amazing and the band is incredible. Twenty One Pilots...you always told me that sounds like the name of a famous band. Guess you were right. "I met this girl. I mentioned her earlier, Jenna. You know about her. I'm going to propose." Silence filled the area as he paused. "I still love you and always will but she is incredible. She reminds me of you a little. I really love her and she makes me happy. So I'm going to propose." Another pause as a his eyes grow wet. "I wrote a song for you. It's called Guns for Hands. I told everybody it was about fans I met, which is partially true. But I just can't bare to talk about you with reporters and interviewers. I told Jenna about you a couple months back. And she was cool with it. Maybe I'll bring her with me one time. Unless that's weird. I'm not really sure. But I'll definitely bring Josh. "Well, I love you. And I still miss you. Thank you." He placed the white tulips against her headstone, wiped a few stray tears, stuck his hands in his pockets, and walked away.

[itsworn]

Brains of the Operation: Catching Up with Brian Lohnes and the New Season of Put Up or Shut Up

Yesterday, the second season of Put Up or Shut Up kicked off with a bar fight between CorteX Racing’s 1966 Ford Mustang and the mad Stuttgart scientists’ 2017 Porsche 911 Turbo S. The show is basically this: $10,000 is put-up between hand-picked match races, and the best-of-three wins. The series has seen everything from drag racing 18-wheelers to dirt modifieds duke it out, and it’s a non-nonsense look into the science of how these machines dominate their sports. We caught up with Brian Lohnes, friend of HRM and host of PUOSU, to see what’s brewing with the show and what wisdom hindsight has given him with a show season behind him.

How did this carnival of horsepower begin?

Lohnes: “So the concept was pretty wide open. Freiburger at the time came to me and asked if I’d be interested in being involved with the show. And I said, of course I would, sounded like great opportunity but we didn’t even so much as have like a format really. We really started as kind of a blank sheet of paper. We all kind of bounced ideas around about what we wanted it to be and ultimately we all kind of met in the middle when it started to kind of obviously a motorsport show that showcases either motorsports that people don’t know a lot about or showcases traditional motorsports in a non-traditional format. And it’s funny because conceptually the show has changed some over time were like, at first it was going to be all about the 10-grand that somebody won for winning the show. And what’s evolved is there’s still money involved for the winner of the show, but we evolved way more into a showcase of racing in a fun way as opposed to just being about somebody winning 10-grand.

It was not going to be some overhype thing that everyone’s going to chuck and wrenches at each other and whatnot. It really needed to be about competition. And uh, in some episodes have been, you know a little bit more emotionally intense than others when you have people that do have a natural rivalry. But at the end of today, the highlight of the show is always the wheel-to-wheel or tractor-to-tractor battles that we’ve put on.”

You’ve talked and written a lot about how different sportscasters have influenced you, but how does it feel to bring that childhood influence full-circle now as a full-time announcer with the NHRA?

Lohnes: “Incredible. I mean, it’s the most cliche thing ever, but it’s like you wake up and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, like this is actually what I get paid to do!’ To me, it’s like a kid who grew and was able to become a professional athlete. Really, to me, it’s like that. You grow up and he kind of idolize these guys and you’re looking at what they’re doing and you try to be like them. Not copying them, you try to put your mark on things to be able to do this thing professionally.

Growing up, what TV shows affected how you approached Put Up or Shut Up?

Lohnes: “For me it was American Sports Cavalcade, a show that was on TNN for 20 years and it was every Sunday. Back in the day before you had to get your paper TV guide and read it. But the cool thing about it was that we never knew, like week to week, what was going to be shown. So you could be watching one week and it would be the drag races and then the next week it would be swamp buggies and the weekend after that it will be a World of Outlaws race. That was a show that literally formulated by life because I loved watching it every week and learning something, and even when they did ridiculous things like the swamp buggies, they treated everything really seriously. So like you’re watching a swamp buggy race, and they treated those guys like they were Top Fuel racers and it was cool because the racers got respect.

And that’s like, to me, that’s like the most fun thing about what we’re doing with Put Up or Shut Up: no one has come to me and said we can only do this or that. We get to explore different things and honestly it’s kind of fun because you really get to see like you get to see people both like or dislike different things, like I was really interested to see what the response is going to be when we ran our first dirt track episode. People know me from drag racing and many were the kind of people started who watching the show at the beginning because we were doing drag racing stuff.  Then when we were able to branch out of the drag strip, it really opened up our audience. So a lot of people were super excited that we’re weren’t just doing drag race and stuff and that’s what led to the road racing episode obviously.”

“Where’s the engine?” asks the film crew while filming the beauty shots of our 2017 Porsche Turbo S — a technologically belligerent, modern super car.

Now that you mention it, how did this shindig get together?

Lohnes: “So the way the matchup kind of shook out was we wanted to do something along these lines, like we wanted to do a modern pro-touring car and some sort of an exotic. And initially we, we’re thinking about Mike Musto, really, to be honest with you, we wondered if Musto would race his Daytona against somebody. And so when I went to Mike, he  says ‘I got a buddy who was tailor made for this.’ And I’m like, okay. And I had never met Filip , uh, and then when he showed me his car, I seen the car before because it had been featured in magazines and stuff like that.  And thankfully Randy Pobst has as such a great relationship and presence with Motor Trend and the channel,  he was all on-board. Then we looked at what was in the fleet, we got permission from Porsche and off we went!”

No bias, where did you place your bet before filming?

Lohnes: “Oh, without bias, I thought the Porsche was going to handle it, I thought the horse was going to out-handle the Mustang even though the Mustang had all the great chassis, big tires, and a bunch of horsepower and stuff. I figured: one, with Randy [who practically lives under the porch of Willow Springs, rent-free], and two, with the amount of technology in that car,  that he was going to be a runaway. I had no conception that it would be literally a dead heat.”

One thing that seperates Put Up or Shut Up from other shows is the amount of data in the post-run breakdowns — how does this help put things in perspective?

Lohnes: “It’s really fun for me. So data acquisition on the car, you have info coming from all different directions, loads from all the corners, it accurately clock speeds and everything else. So the fun thing is a once that we get the data, we have it delivered to us in a bunch of different forms in terms of how you graph it, which axis of the graph is what. So we get to kind of look at it and go, ‘Okay, this is what’s interesting, let’s focus on this or that.’ So it’s kind of a neat element to be able to post-fact look at what happened and then decide you know, what you want to explain or what the numbers tell you.”

The data-logger’s brainbox is secured in the floor, providing accurate G-load and speed data.

What’s one of the unique difficulties from a production side that Put Up or Shut Up presents?

Lohnes: “One of the things that’s not really a challenge as much as it was one of my greatest joys is our production crew. Most of them aren’t racers and most of them have never been exposed to any of the things that we do. And so for me it’s always cool when we get to a shoot and everybody’s hanging out and drinking a beer the night before, like you talk to some of the guys that are running the cameras or the sound guys, and they’re like ‘We love doing the show because we get to do cool stuff,’ and we’re going to places that they’ve never been to. We’re seeing things they’ve never seen. To me it’s a great kind of test audience because ultimately, you know, somebody who’s never seen any of this stuff when they’re getting a look at it for the first time and they think it’s awesome, that’s when you know.

But challenge wise? Logistics — it’s one thing to come up with an idea and it’s another thing to find a racetrack, rent the race track on the dates that you want it, then get to racers who aren’t going to blow their stuff up the week before trying to test it or aren’t going to flake out and not show up. That’s the part that keeps me up at night, we come up with a lot of great ideas and then it’s actually getting the rubber to the road, so to speak, is what’s hard. and it’s getting easier, it gets way easier when the show has the notoriety which it has gotten so far. So when you call up and you ask them if they’d want to do it, they know what it’s all about, and that helps a lot.”

It’s a good problem to have for our automotive culture, but with the explosion of shows in recent years — especially in drag racing — how does Put Up or Shut Up try to stand out?

Lohnes: “Yeah, no, there’s a ton of stuff on right now! So, how do you stand out? And for me it’s like, I think my involvement in the sport of drag racing [as an announcer for NHRA, Drag Week, countless local races, and even land speed events], it’s a benefit in the sense that I know a lot of the gems that a lot of people don’t know. You know,  there’s a lot of big obvious things people know about, you know, whether we’re talking about the normal NHRA or Street Outlaws stuff, but there is so much awesome variety in drag racing. We’re going to shoot an episode with Top Fuel dirt drag racing motorcycles. We’re going to that next month, and I guarantee you there’s a tiny handful of people in the world that even know that guy’s race 2,000hp motorcycles on the dirt.

They’re full-on supercharged, nitro-burning, billet-block four-cylinders with basically a giant-ass bogger tire on the back. They’ll go 160mph in 300 feet on dirt.”

Dream match-ups, go:

Lohnes: “I want to drag race one of the top level swamp buggies versus an airboat. There’s an airboat drag strip in Florida that’s only two and a half feet of water, so I want to put one of the bad ass, blown big-block, mountain-motor swamp buggies up against an airboat in an eighth mile swamp drag race.

Also no-bar-style motorcycle — like no wheelie-bar style bikes — they run mid-to-high 6 in the quarter, 220, 230 miles an hour, and put it up against a Pro Stock car.”

  The post Brains of the Operation: Catching Up with Brian Lohnes and the New Season of Put Up or Shut Up appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

from Hot Rod Network https://www.hotrod.com/articles/brains-operation-catching-brian-lohnes-new-season-put-shut/ via IFTTT

[limshell]

I got into the medical centre the other day. I was quarantined there for close to 60 hours.

I feel as though my body has deteriorated a lot ever since I came here. My whole body had rashes (but thank God it wasn’t itchy, just red dots and black patches when it has dried, eww I know) and I’m unsure of what’s the cause as the doctor tell me there may be a few reason : 1. The humidity level in the ship is very dry as we are in such confined environment with limited exposure to the sun and the air conditioner could have absorbed our moisture as well. 2. The water - as we are actually using filtered sea water for our daily pipe water for the sink or even shower we use. The water in our mess are also filtered sea water, so I had to resort to buying a few bottles of mineral water for the daily needs 3. The laundry - we send our uniform to the laundry to clean them, the detergent that they are using could be the cause of it. Doctor told me to do my own laundry instead for 2 weeks and see how it goes, but it’s the same apparently

Then now I’m having running nose, coughing miserably and had fever the other day. The phlegm that I spit out and the mucus I've blown out contains blood, which is quite scary. I feel like my body is just losing alot of blood. It wasn’t that bad living in the medical centre except the fact that you lost your freedom roaming around the ship since you’re quarantined.

To begin with, it started with my roommate getting sick and was sent for isolation, then they had to called for me, who’s her roommate to run a medical check and see if my body condition is alright. If all is good, I’d have been allowed to go back and enjoy having a single cabin for a short period of time while my roommate is being isolated. BUT, I was already sick to begin with, I had fever, and also tested the same - possibly infected by virus.

It wasn’t that bad of a room, there’s port holes! Something that we don’t own back in our own cabin. We could also order for room service and select from a limited selection of food (they’re very oily basically, and they don’t have rice at all urgh) and the bellboy would deliver the food to us. And you get hours off, but you would probably feel very guilty about it as that means your other team members would have to work extra hard to cover the part where you are missing.

But I had a hard time there, here’s why : 1. I got scolded even when I was trying to take a peek outside of my ward. 2. I got scolded when I was trying to ask the Nurse if I could be allowed to go back to work 3. I was told later that I shouldn’t order my food by myself first, the nurse would have instruct me on when to do it, so we could all order in a batch and ease the bellboy’s job 4. During my 2nd night there, I wasn’t having enough drinking water, it was pointless even when I purse for the nurse button as nobody’s on duty, my whole body literally feels like it’s burning on fire and I was so dehydrated, my nose was blocked, I was having nightmare and hence I couldn’t sleep. I need water since 12AM, I was secretly praying that a nurse would drop by soon enough as every hours passby, it lasted until 5AM and I could no longer take it anymore as I was having migraine and it just feels like my brain would explode any moment. Hence I called for the a Emergency helpline 911, then they helped me to page the duty nurse. I then got scolded by the duty nurse as I was told I shouldn’t have called the emergency helpline. I was left speechless cause that was the only number that came to my mind and I don’t know where else to seek help for if not the emergency helpline. And I think I needed emergency attention also, I could have too high of a fever that my brain just got burned. Cause the next morning when I has my temperature taken, it was 39 degree Celcius. I could have died if it wasn’t for the water. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a lil, but I still couldn’t quite understand why can’t I dial the emergency helpline. Sob sob.

Funny thing about my nightmare, it begins with me reading a book called ‘The Murder Game’ by Beverly Baxton, the whole setting of the story pretty much feels like 'The Hunger Game’ where the victim would be tortured in a cold forest, punished with no food and water and the hunter awaits for the final day of the hunt to kill the victim. My nightmare has a lot to do with this, I was dehydrated from the lack of water, my body was hot but my surrounding environment were cold, so I woke up on and off terrified that night and my heart were beating so fast cause I imagine myself as the Amber Kirby in the story. The doctor came in the morning for further body check and I was dumbfounded assuming he was the Hunter in my nightmare and he’s here for the final bullet shot in my head. It took me 10 second to have realised the reality after that. It was such a thrilling experience, the moral of the day have led me to believe never read any thriller fictional story if your body is not in a good condition.

Anyway, that’s about it, I spent 2 days in the medical centre, bored with nothing much to do, and I just want to pray that God strength my body so that I would be still and healthy during the period while I’m here.

'An apple a day, keeps the doctor away’ We do have apples here, but I’m so lazy to peel off the skin with a butter knife LOL, I’ve became very pampered now that all our meals, laundries and chores are well taken care off ahhhhh.

I got back to work immediately on the 24th Dec, I would update more about my Christmas soon enough, till then! Xoxo

[bloggmylyf]

natural disasters may seem like things that only happen on television, but you never know what’s around the corner! sure you’ve probably been given some guidance in your time as to how to prepare for these things, but it’s never a bad idea to refresh your memory we put together a list of tips that will help you out no matter what sort of predicament you found yourself in. Watching videos of laughing cats might seem like a great way to spend your time now but it’s not likely to help you out if you find yourself in an emergency, instead make sure you click the Follow button and we’ll make sure you’re fully prepared for a long list of possibilities..!

Sterilized Dirty Water

  in day to day society we’re used to walking no further than the tap to quench our thirst, infact we’re so used to it that we consider it bad service if a restaurant provide free drinking water. But what would you do if you didn’t have access to clean water? we can only last days without drinking. But the risks associated with drinking dirty water mean we might not even last that long! if you’re in a situation like a natural disaster, try and fill up your sinks, baths, and containers with water. It means that even if your water supply gets cut off the water you’ve already stored should keep you going for a few days. Boiling your water is the best way to make it fit for consumption, but if this isn’t an option try adding bleach, Be Careful! too much in your water won’t be suitable for drinking. if your water is cloudy let it sit for a few hours and filter it with a clean cloth. Next, take a dropper from your medicine cabinet and add 6 drops of unscented bleach per gallon of water stir it and let it stand for half an hour and your water will be safe again.

Survive a Falling Elevator

modern technology means it’s not a likely occurrence. But we’ve all anxiously wondered about our faith in a particularly jumpy elevator before. But what would you do if you were in an elevator that fell? – The Trick is to lessen the impact on landing. Your first reaction may be to jump, therefore giving you more time before you hit the floor don’t do this! By jumping you’re putting more impact on your eventual fall, and at high speed this means you’re far more likely to exacerbate your injuries too – another common piece of advice is to bend your knees and keep on your feet this is also incorrect and is far more likely to damage your legs than it is to save your life. Instead, sit or lie on the floor of the elevator place one hand under your head reduce the impact when you touch ground, place the other hand in front of your face to protect if any debris falls from the ceiling. If there’s something you can hold on to try and do so the fact that you’re free-falling means laying down on the floor and staying there is harder than you’d imagine it also gives you a way to help get yourself back up when you hit the floor.

Get through a Tornado

if you live in an area where tornados are common, you’ll probably have a safety plan in place already. However tornadoes can strike at any moment and there’s no such thing as being too prepared, The greatest danger when it comes to tornadoes is flying debris so if you can hide somewhere well-protected you’ll be more likely to survive. First of all, avoid windows! – you may have been told that opening the window will equalize the pressure of the tornado. But realistically, the windows will be blown off anyway. Try to find somewhere as low to the ground as possible, think a basement or ground floor if you can make it there, crouch down and protect the back of your head with your arms if you’re outside or in a vehicle, you need to take a different approach cars or even bigger vehicles are extremely dangerous when tornadoes strike. But if you’re too close to drive away you need to make the best of it. If you can see lower ground take shelter there. If not, put your seat belt on, cover your head with a blanket, and curl up below window level. Another important point here, never take shelter under a bridge even though they look sturdy they, offer little protection for flying debris and can make your situation even more dangerous.

Find your Way Home

even if you spent your teenage years ignoring everyone who told you to wear a watch, now might be the right time to invest on one. Aside from telling the time, did you know an analog watch could also be your ticket to safety?! we’re all used to relying on our phones for directions, or whether you’re lost with a dead battery or stranded in a worse situation, you can use your watch to find your bearings. In the Northern Hemisphere hold the watch horizontally and flat in your palm, point the hour hand in the direction of the Sun, you can’t find the direct line of the Sun put a twig or something similar on the ground and trace the shadow back up to your watch now bisect the angle between the hour hand and the twelve o’clock to find south. The midpoint will be south and the opposite direction North. Before noon you have to measure clockwise and after counterclockwise. In the Southern Hemisphere, line up the 12 o’clock mark with the hour hand and similar to before you’ll find your direction. In contrast the midpoint here will show you north and the opposing angle will be south.

Swim out of Rip Currents

there are a few things in life as relaxing is going for a swim and if you’re lucky enough to live by a beach you know this better than anyone, but sometimes the sea isn’t as safe as the picturesque postcards make it out to be. Sure lifeguards are usually there to watch out but it’s good to be prepared for all eventualities and by that we’re thinking mainly of rip currents. More common than you’d probably have thought, rip currents usually form in sandbars and near structures like jetties, piers, or near cliffs, that jut into the sea. Obviously your first thought if you feel yourself getting stuck is to try and swim away, this won’t work rip currents can travel up to speeds of eight feet per second far stronger than any Olympic swimmer, instead try to stay calm and conserve energy. Face the shore, shout and try to get the attention of someone nearby. The most important thing here is to not swim forwards or backwards, rip currents work in these directions but don’t usually have a huge surface area try and move parallel and when you feel yourself escaping the pull of the rip current, swim at an angle back to the beach to make sure you don’t end up stuck back again.

Act F.A.S.T

you might think strokes can only affect elderly people. But you’d be wrong. A stroke can hit anyone at any point in their life and generally speaking, the person has three hours after it hits to get medical treatment before any brain damage becomes irreversible. Because of that, it’s important to learn the signs of a stroke and what you should do if you see someone potentially having one. The best way of remembering what to do in these circumstances is the fast method – First look at their face ask them to smile and see if both sides of their face respond, if one half is drooping or not responding it could be the sign of a stroke. Next arms, ask the person to raise both of their arms above their head, similarly to the face, to see how both sides respond. If they’re unable or struggling to lift one or both arms they could be in trouble. thirdly speech, talk to them, Ask them a question, or two say a simple phrase, the lack of speech is a strong indication of something going wrong. And Finally – Time, this is the crucial part. Ring your national emergency number, 911 in USA and get some help straight away. Being aware of the signs of a stroke and getting to the emergency room quickly can be the difference between life and death.

Overcome an Avalanche

Before you head into the snow, you’ll probably have given some basic safety precautions anyway. However you might not have been told what to do when an avalanche happens, the crucial part of surviving is all in the first few seconds. If possible, jump up the slope. The Avalanche is more often than not triggered by the victim itself, but if you can get over the fracture line you’ll make things far easier, if not try to get to the side. The heaviest load of snow is in the center whereas the sides have less to fall. You might even be able to get entirely out of the way by doing this. You also want your body to be protected but lightweight, let go of any heavy baggage but keep your bag on your back – it’ll protect your body if you end up falling. However the heavy equipment has the potential to pull your body down. Hold on to something, and if you feel yourself falling – start swimming. It might go without saying, but swim uphill where the snow is thinner. You can also swim on your back, it’ll give you a far better chance of survival as your face will be able to access even more oxygen.

Improve your Fire Knowledge

On average someone suffers a fire based injury every half-hour in the USA. Therefore it’s important to learn how to deal with fires when they strike. In order to keep a light, a fire needs fuel, oxygen, and heat unless you cut out one of these elements it’ll keep burning. If you find yourself in a house fire or similar situation, try and stay as low on the ground as possible heat rises and so do toxic fumes that come with the fire. Keeping us low down as you can, will minimize the damage that fire can cause to your lungs. If you need to travel through a smoke-filled room, cover your nose and mouth with a cloth or a piece of thick material. Similar to what they tell you on planes, breathe through the material normally and the air will be much cleaner. Move as quickly as possible though, as the smoke-filled room will no doubt still be very dangerous. Once you’re out, check everyone for oxygen deprivation. The most obvious signs of this are stumbling around and the inability to speak properly. Get medical attention as soon as possible to ensure no one has any lasting damage.

Escape Cracked Ice

did you know your body only has ten minutes in freezing water, before your muscles give up entirely?! there’s a reason why the phrase treading on thin ice is so popular, and that’s because the repercussions of falling through said thin ice are incredibly dangerous. Contrary to popular belief, It’s swim failure rather than hypothermia which accounts for more problems if you fall through the ice. Swim failure is what happens when your body can’t cope with the cold and your muscles seize up. This usually happens between three and five minutes after you enter the water. Once you know you’re falling, brace yourself for the cold water. Try not to panic and try as hard as you can to breathe normally. It can take up to 45 minutes to develop hypothermia, which means if you can get help fast you’re likely to survive. Remove the heavy objects and focus on getting back out. Swim as fast as you can to the edge and keep your body horizontal. Aim to get as much of your upper body out of the water first by propelling yourself like a seal onto the ice. If you’re unable to leave the water alone, cross your legs, keep still so you’re able to retain energy and attract the attention of anyone in sight.

Fight Back Against Snake Venom

We can’t all be superheroes in the wild, but that doesn’t mean we should avoid venturing out into the world. If you’re scared of snake bites, we’ve got a few helpful tips that can greatly improve your chance of survival. It may sound crazy, but if a snake bites you, you need to stay calm. The venom goes into your bloodstream and if you’re panicking your heart rate will increase and pump blood faster around your body. If you can keep calm and keep a resting heart rate the blood will pump slower and you can last longer without emergency help. In contrast to other emergency situations, do not have anything to eat or drink – it’s important to keep a slow metabolism during this time for the same purpose as keeping your heart rate low. Remove any jewelry or tight clothing as the bitten area may swell. Try and keep as still as possible too. – if the bite is on the hand, keep it at heart level to reduce the flow of venom. If the bite is on your foot or leg raise it up horizontally. Get to the hospital as soon as possible where antivenom serum should counteract the effects of the bite.

In just over 10 minutes, you’ve learned how to prepare for almost everything! with that in mind give yourself a break and Follow Us for more helpful Tips!

Check Out> Latest Posts 

If u found this informative… Like and Share… ^_^ 

  Sharing is Caring  ^_^ 

Social Media      

Follow To be Updated of new posts Below ⇓⇓

(scroll down till the end, to Follow)

Donate, To a Charity>>  Water  {Suggested by PewDiePie}

 Thänk Yoυ ✌

  10 Tips That May Save Your Life One Day || USEFUL || natural disasters may seem like things that only happen on television, but you never know what's around the corner!

[annakinskywalker13]

Lisa?

Rain poured off the sides of my black umbrella. I was zoned out, only the sounds of my feet hitting the wet ground floated into my mind. It was chilly, just cold enough to see your breath, and I was struggling to hold the umbrella still due to the wind. The smell of blooming spring flowers was dampened by the rain. I was stressed. In fact, I was heading to a bar at three in the afternoon just to drink the stress away. I ran into something. I looked up to see beautiful brown eyes staring at me. The color of milk chocolate, but with hints of honey in it. I look down because the front of me feels wet. I finally look at the woman in front of me. She had very delicate features, soft bone structure. Her hair was short and jet black. Everything about her was soaked. She was hunched in on herself, trying to be as humble as possible. “I'm sorry,” she said to the ground. She was looking at her feet, which were clad with sandals. Her entire outfit was a shirt and shorts. She was shaking almost violently from the cold. My heart hurt for the girl, and in that moment, my problems didn't seem to matter at all. I pulled her under the umbrella and gave her the handle to hold over us. I took off my thick wool coat and wrapped it around her. “I'm going to a bar. Would you like to join me? At least get out of the cold for a bit.” The girl smiled the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. “Thank you!” She hugged him tightly. It was weird, but I allowed it. Kinda cute. My eyes flicked open. It was pitch black, but that didn't mean much. There were no windows in this bedroom. I reached over and looked at my phone. The bright light hurt for a second until my eyes adjusted to it. 3:17. Ugh. What an ungodly hour. I roll over to notice the other side of the bed is empty. My heart skipped a beat. Had she just gotten a glass of water? Or were her sleeping pills taking her elsewhere? I ran my hand over the sheets. They were still warm. Maybe she hadn't been up long. “Lisa?” I got up and walked to the bathroom. “Lisa? Are you OK? Lisa, where are you?” “Lisa!” I ran through the playground, trying not to run into little kids. "Polo!” I heard to my left. I chuckled to myself. She had such a free spirit, and I loved that about her. “That's not how you play!” I called after her. I saw her head poke out one of the windows in the wooden tower. “Come get me!” I was glad she was staying in one place. I had worn my joints out with sports, and my age didn't help either. It was amazing that she was thirty and still had the wonder of a child. I climbed up the stairs to the tower, and when I got there, I found my beauty waiting. Smiling ear to ear, she wrapped her arms around me and nestled her head in my chest. “I'm really becoming especially fond of you,” she giggled. I lifted her chin up to look into her warm eyes. It was then. This was the time. I leaned into her face, and our lips met. The universe just stopped. Our breathing gone. All we had was sharing our souls, and that was all we needed. I stuck my head into every room in the upstairs. And with every empty room, my heart got faster. I opened my eyes when I heard a noise downstairs. In one swift motion, I pulled out my gun from the wooden nightstand. I slowly inched towards the stairs. When I got there, I thanked God the stairs were carpet. I made it down and into the kitchen without noise. All I could see was the light from the refrigerator. “Show me your hands!” No response. “Show. Me. Your. Hands.” Still nothing. I walked around the island and saw Lisa rummaging through the fridge. “Lisa?” She pulled out things and began to make a sandwich. I waved my hand in front of her, but she didn't respond. I shook her, and finally she snapped out of her daze. “How did I get to your house?” she whispered. I wrapped my arms around her. “I don't know, but let's get you settled.” After making sure every room was searched thoroughly, I made my way down the stairs. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something was off. I turned my head and noticed that my favorite picture of Lisa was tilted. She was sitting in a beautiful violet field, head back, not a care in the world. Small hands held out a crown of daisies to me. I laughed. Everything she does made me smile, inside and out. “I'm not wearing that,” I said as I playfully pushed it away. She grabbed my hands and put pouty face on. “Pleeeease David!” My heart melted. “Fine,” I sighed as she placed the crown on his head. I pretended to be upset, and she wrapped herself around me, like she always does. This time was different though. She looked up at me with wide eyes. “I love you.” I looked down at her, wondering if she had actually said that. She always said what she felt. She was just afraid to say it. “I love you too.” She pulled me into a field of green grass with a cool wind blowing away the heat from the unblocked sun. She pushed me down and laid her head on my chest. “I love you,” she whispered again, almost in awe. As I was descending the stairs, I knocked over a bottle that rattled. I picked it up. Great. Her pills. Was it supposed to be half empty? When did they get it filled last? I laid in bed, not asleep, but wanting to. My heavy eyes looked over to my spunky girlfriend. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands wrapped around the edge. It made me anxious. “What's wrong?” I asked for the millionth time. She didn't move. Her frame was hunched over. “Nothing.” Her voice was empty. She had lost her vibrancy. Something was very wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. The shrunken girl got up and went to the bathroom. I watched as she pour a plethora of pills in her hand and take them all at once. Did she really need all that? I made it down the stairs, and I looked around. “Lisa! Lisa, come on, this isn't funny!” I sighed and decided to check the living room first. At this point I was as close to a full blown panic attack as one can be and still function. “LISA!” The neighbours are probably going to think we're fighting again. I looked at the blue couch textured with raised straight lines. I looked at the blanket and pillows that were permanently there because I had been kicked out of my bed more times than I got to sleep in it lately. Lisa was ripping her earrings out and storming into our bedroom. “Are you serious right now?” I followed, tired. My whole body felt like lead. “I don't understand where I went wrong.” I face planted on the bed. “Really? You couldn't pretend to have a perfect life for two hours max? Those were my parents! And not only that, but you got plastered.” I sighed and mumbled into the sheets. “No! Get the fuck out!” She pulled me off the bed, forcing me to stand up. With that, I walked down the stairs and passed out on the couch. “Lisa!” I turned the corner, and ran into a crib with a motion activated mobile. “Jesus fuck!” My heart was beating out of my chest. Why the fuck was that there? Why hadn't we sold that yet? What was sitting in front of me was a shell of a woman. It wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She had something to say though, so I listened. “I have bad news.” I raised my eyebrows. “I figured as much.” Shouldn't be sarcastic now. That was stupid. She buried her beautiful face in her hands. “I'm so sorry.” She cried like there was no end. I moved over to the couch and tried to put my arms around her, but she yanked away. “What's wrong?” I asked in the calmest and most loving voice I could. Through sobs that ripped out my heart, she managed to spit out, “I had a miscarriage.” I slipped her hand into mine. My heart was aching. I wanted to have a child possibly more than Lisa did. But now, I was concerned with where her mind was. I was going to do anything possible to make sure she was ok. I wiped her eyes and pulled her head into my chest. “It's ok. We'll get through this.” Maybe she's in the kitchen. Maybe she's just getting some water. I walk in there, afraid of what I'd find. I saw black hair towards the ground. Eyes which had lost their light a long time ago looked up at me. “Lisa, what are you doing?” I held out my hand to help her up. She didn't take it. “Let's go to bed.” Usually if I could just get her to bed, everything would be OK. My breathing was erratic, and my heart was fighting between stopping and going a mile a minute. It was then that I noticed the knife in her hand. “Lisa, hand over the knife.” Without warning, the beautiful woman sliced down both of her arms. The wounds were so deep I almost passed out. Blood was going everywhere. “Jesus! What the fuck did you do?” I ran over and grabbed desperately to stop the bleeding. With one hand, I reached for the phone. 911. “Hello? My girlfriend has attempted suicide. 7159 Baker Street.” I went back to holding her arms. “Why did you do this?” Dying eyes looked up at me. “You don't love me anymore.” We walked down the cobblestone streets near the bay. Holding hands, we looked at all the store fronts. I was completely happy like this. I never wanted to leave this. I bumped up against her. “Hey.” Her cheeks twinged pink. “Hey.” I leaned in close. “I have to tell you something.” One of her eyebrows popped up. “Oh?” She was so cute. “I will always love you, no matter what.” With that, she wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest. “I will always love you too.” I held her arms as tight as I could. Tears streaked my face, but I couldn't wipe them. This didn't feel good. It was like I had no control. My life was spinning out of control. “I still love you,” I whispered. Resting her head on my chest she said, “I’m sorry.” She grasped clumsily at my hands. I tried to clear my eyes of tears. “I wish I had shown you more,” I whispered. I couldn't close her arms. No. No. No. Her breathing became slower and eventually stopped. I started doing CPR. I didn't know what to do, but I had to do something. I couldn't let her die. The paramedics arrived quickly and carted her off. I sat in the puddle of blood she had left and just cried. My life would be so empty without her. I couldn't face Lisa’s parents. It was just too hard. She died on my watch. I don't think they'll ever forgive me. As we placed flowers on the coffin, I pulled out a box and opened it. I laid the engagement ring that I had been saving for the perfect time on the casket.