#and when he's becoming more curious about this strange punk with the apparent heart of gold (and balls of steel XD)

[elvenbeard]

Just replayed "A Like Surpreme" the second time around and HHHHH my feels... first of all... the symbolism of Kerry gifting V his gun in the aftermath like, full on "I'm putting my life in your hands" vibes I'M NOT OKAY. ;____;

EDIT: ALSO! How fucking upset he looks when he's like "I almost shot Johnny with it, haha" and then V goes "yeah, and me" and Kerry is just HIT by that like by a train... like, OOOF.

Also him being so nervous about it all in the beginning, worried about having to "perform" his part (as he is the entire time ahead, playing it so cool while he's the only one shaking in fear). And then just letting go of all inhibitions on stage as the concert goes on, that made me so happy to just watch now with all my knowledge about him as a character and his story.

And then yeah, as mentioned in that other post I reblogged a couple days ago about his behavior with the sunglasses, having them on the entire time but then off for the convo afterwards. How he's so genuinely shocked when Johnny leaves him his guitar. And the gun thing and the sort of little repeat of his first proper encounter with V where he pats him on the shoulder as he leaves. But this time around it felt so much more genuine, no teasing, scheming behind the scenes, just "take care, I'll be in touch".

Like, is he cured of his depression? Hell no. And I think that's also obvious from what's gonna follow in his personal questline. But I feel like he's really genuinely happy and seeing a way forward again, even if it's just for that one evening.

Sorry I'm kinda rambling, it's late and I'm drowning in feels xD

And, random observation on the side re: I love the details in this game... It's Kerry's vocalist (Damien Ukeje) singing "A Like Surpreme" during the concert, isn't he? At least this song was a distinctly different one from the one I'm used to listening to on Spotify, the Refused version. And I mean, it makes sense, the Spotify version is the "original" recorded with Johnny as vocalist, but Johnny obviously can't be there to sing in 2077. They didn't have to go all the way out and make a separate version of the song just for the game but they did anyway... And I love that so much.

[alessoninpracticality]

The Summary of a Practical Story

Everything sort of important that has happened in A Lesson in Practicality and Probable Theorem. Spoilers ahead!

Note: This will update as the story progresses so if you’re seeing this again, I may have updated it.

A Lesson in Practicality

The story starts with Logan, Roman, Patton and Virgil moving into an apartment together. After a few awkward weeks and a slip up from Patton, they discover that they all have some sort of strange ability. Logan seemed to be the only one who had been aware of this, taking note of their slip ups the weeks prior.

Roman could generate electricity and power. Patton could make duplicates of himself that each reflected parts of his personality when split. He called the Patton Pals and numbered them to help confusion. Logan had telekinesis and could read minds. Virgil could stop time and move around as he did so.

With the secret out, Logan started taking notes. He was curious to how the powers worked overall. Patton stepped in and theorized that the powers actually grew with time and grew other abilities after noting he had started feeling others emotions as if he had started becoming an empath.

With that new theory, the others started testing out their own abilities. Virgil discovered the rifts he created when he broke free from time were actually portals through time and space depending on what/where he was thinking about. Roman had already started testing out his abilities and practiced everyday before revealing a costume and a plan to become the city superhero.

In Virgil’s paranoia, he corners Logan and gets him to admit that Logan used his powers to bring them all together. With this, he reveals he also had tried approaching them with the idea but the first person he approached had lashed out. As a result, Logan doesn’t remember the interaction or who he talked to. There was someone else out in the city with powers. After an incident where Roman finds himself trapped in time the day before, he stumbled into a person(literally) who let out a spark of electricity and ran off in panic. After a stroke of luck and a few hours searching, they find the man and question him. They learned his name was Thomas and he didn’t know he even had powers. Apparently, he can copy and absorb others abilities and use them himself.

Thomas, afraid of hurting others by literally stealing their energy from them, runs and asks them to leave him alone. After talking to him and encouraging him to give it another try, he agrees.

Then, one night while Virgil and Roman were passed out on the couch, Virgil begins feeling a bit claustrophobic as he wakes up from a nightmare. He begins to wildly panic and freezes time while pushing himself and Roman off of the couch. Roman tries to calm him down while a black smoke-like form crawls out of the portal Virgil made. Roman manages to get it out of the apartment in a panic and check to make sure Virgil is alright.

He is, but knowing some creature was out on the streets had them all worried. Roman dresses in his hero uniform, dubbed the Masked Prince at the time, and keeps an eye out for the creature. They decide to warn Thomas since he could be in danger and the creature finds them and attacks. Patton lets out a few of the Patton Pals and they all begin to worry. The creature takes over a Pal, Three, and says he’ll let the body go in exchange for Roman. Roman agrees and goes to shake on it before pulling the possessed Three close and shocking the creature out of him.

They knew they were being targeted now since the creature showed an interest in wanting power and they were the most powerful ones in the city. They decide the only thing they can really do is wait and prepare themselves for anything. During all this, Roman discovers he has a fan club and gets very excited, forcing Patton and Logan to go check it out for him. (After Patton came up with Prince Charging, they shrugged and accepted it since they didn’t have a better name)

One day, Thomas was attacked at his apartment by a stranger possessed by the smoke creature and ran to their apartment where he saw Logan and began to panic. The others were called home and they waited for the creature to attack.

In the middle of the night, their apartment building caught fire and Virgil froze time to help them all escape. Roman led them to the theater he volunteered at for a dramatic final battle. As they all awaited the creature to follow them, he turned and confessed his feelings for Virgil he had been ignoring this whole time.

That’s when the creature attacked, chasing Logan, Patton and Thomas into a prop and costume storage closet. They looked around in panic to see who the creature had been taken as Roman and Virgil raced over.

The creature had taken their first moment of panic to slip through the air vents and out the back, possessing Virgil in the process. He froze time and glanced around before heading to Thomas, curious if he could just take the other’s powers into one form. However, with direct contact to Thomas, his power kicked in and he absorbed the ability to stop time. Since Virgil is forced from time when it freezes, the same happened to Thomas suddenly. In his panic, he restarted time, nullifying the only advantage the creature had.

As a bargaining tool, the creature did exactly what he had done before. Give up one of their forms or he’d just take over Virgil completely. He’d even leave the city and start somewhere else. Logan offers himself against the protest of the others. The creature laughs, knowing about Logan’s plan to have Virgil go back and stop this from happening as a worst case scenario.

Jumping from Virgil to Logan, Thomas stepped in and sacrificed himself. The creature laughed, saying he was okay with that, since Thomas was his initial target. He left Virgil motionless on the ground, causing Roman to try to start his heart again with his powers.

Logan smirked and the creature began to panic. He had made a plan with Thomas in case either one of them were captured by the monster. The creature latched onto their brains to control them, so attacking their minds would weaken it. Roman grabbed him from behind as Logan attacked so he couldn’t escape. He wiped Thomas’ memories completely, leaving him comatose on the ground. The creature tired to escape but Roman turned and called out to Virgil. He had managed to start his heart but in the panic, no one noticed. Virgil opened a portal and threw the creature through before starting time and shutting it forever.

Logan tried bringing any parts of Thomas back that he could, managing to salvage quite a bit. Thomas’ memories were spotty and random, but he was okay.

In the aftermath, they helped Thomas back to his apartment and apologized. Logan commented that he’d never been able to bring back memories like that before but didn’t elaborate. They decided to move back to their old homes before looking for an apartment where they could all move in together once more.

Probable Theorem

Logan had found them a new apartment just as before and the others eagerly moved in. Roman was nervous to explain to Virgil that he had been ignoring him because he was ashamed of himself. He lost his job and couldn’t afford to take Virgil out on any dates. Virgil calls him a moron and forgives him since Roman’s mother and sister had given Virgil an embarrassing photo of Roman as collateral. Virgil bonds with Julie, Roman’s sister and Elizabeth, Roman’s mother. Elizabeth worries about Roman but knows that if anything happens, Virgil will be there and let her know. 

Patton and Logan had been trying out the dating thing for a bit. Logan reveals his aunt and uncle, whom he had been living with since he was a late teen, owned and ran a bakery. He takes Patton there and they bake cookies, becoming an official couple. (Patton makes a pun about it.)

On the same day, Roman and Virgil have a movie night and Virgil comments on how wonderful a date it was. Though, obviously, he could out romance Roman and had an even better date planned. Traveling back in time on a brisk day in Paris, France, Virgil brings Roman to the Eiffel Tower. He presents him a rose and smiles, asking if Roman had anything he wanted to say at such a romantic moment. Giving Roman the chance to be the overly dramatic gay he was, he asks Virgil out and he agrees. (Sarcastically.) They go back home and the four meet up, revealing their new relationship statuses to one another. And then Thomas, who was visiting to check out the new apartment.

While working at the bakery, Logan’s parents show up wishing to speak with him. His aunt tried chasing them away, but not before Logan found out. He was a punk when he was a teenager and did whatever he wanted. In an emotional moment, he told his parents to ‘forget he even existed’, thus wiping their memory of their only child. They shunned him and he ran away, living with his aunt and uncle. He threw away his old life and became cautious of his powers, never using them until more recently. Finding out his parents had wanted to make amends,he remembers being able to fix most of Thomas’ memory and forms a plan.

Logan goes to Thomas and offers to retrain him on his powers, though he was much more aggressive than before. He HAD to get Thomas to learn how to use his powers. Thomas’ powers didn’t just absorbed others abilities. It was an energy exchange--a give and take. When Logan brought his memories back, it could only have been because Thomas boosted his powers. If he could do it again, he could bring his own parent’s memories back and fix everything. This forcefulness scares Thomas away. 

During all of this, Patton had been going through his own troubles. His whole life, his mother never approved of his abilities. She worried they would get him in trouble and told him to never use them. But despite that, Patton loved his ability and ignored her, to her dismay.

Virgil reveals that he had been working on a new costume for Roman. An updated version of his old Prince Charging outfit with a brand new mask. Just in time too, as they learned there was an Anti-Prince Charging Club (or APC for short) out to stop him. While most people thought his powers were just a trick of light, these people thought it was real and that the Prince was a threat who needed to be stopped. Unfortunately, Patton’s mother Margaret (Maggie) was a part of this club.

The four had heard noises coming from the apartment above then and learned about their new neighbors. At first they thought it was just Leslie, a wonderfully kind middle aged woman. Then they learned she had a nephew she was taking care of. Clyde. Strange things started happening around the apartment. Logan’s old journal about their powers went missing. Then ‘Roman’ apologized for taking it and tried putting it back. ‘Logan’ came in from work in a rush one day and was aggressive toward Patton, breaking up with him for being clingy. Patton fought back, wanting to talk things out before making a decision, when the actual Logan walked in.

Turns out, Clyde had abilities too. He’s 19 and was kicked out after a fight with his father and moved in with his aunt. He could create illusions and turn himself invisible completely. He had a natural ability and was really good at impersonating other’s voices. He had been snooping on his neighbors and learning about their powers. Patton convinced Logan to let him off with a warning, but Virgil went upstairs and threatened Clyde if he ever pulled a stunt like that again.

On patrol one night, Prince Charging is attacked by two idiots with a taser. While it does nothing, it puts Roman on edge. The only people he can think of are the APC and decides to be more careful in the future. (This does not go over well with Virgil as he starts following Roman at night to make sure he’s okay)

Thomas comes over for a training lesson but this time with Virgil and Patton. For the first time, they make progress and Thomas starts getting an idea on how his powers work. Turns out Logan had some things wrong and Virgil and Patton theorized and figured things out. Proud he had more control, Thomas wanted a break to get to learn more about himself that he had forgotten before continuing. He was worried Logan would be upset, but Patton promised to talk with him.

Logan WAS upset and exploded, saying they didn’t get it. He had only told Virgil about what had happened and decided to explain to the others. Once they knew what Logan had done, they reassured him that they would try to help, but forcing Thomas wasn’t the way to do it.

Patton and Logan had an argument and made up over it, becoming closer because of it. Logan answered Patton’s phone for him and it’s Maggie, Patton’s mother. She tells Logan that he will come over for dinner and hangs up before he can get a word in. He agrees to go and sees Patton’s childhood home. He learns more about the dad who single-handedly supported the family and worked overnights and slept during the day. This left Patton alone with his mother a lot who tried to force Patton to be a ‘normal boy’. Logan caught a few backhanded phrases toward Patton that made fun of Patton’s powers. Logan lashed out, telling her to support her son no matter what. Maggie yelled at Patton for telling such a big secret, which Logan told her to “just accept and it wouldn’t be an issue”. They learn that she’s joined the APC and Logan tells her that he has powers too. They storm out and leave Maggie behind and don’t let her get another word in.

Roman goes out for patrol but this time, Virgil puts on a hoodie and an old mask and joins him. Tired of following the Prince to make sure he was okay, he walks along side him on an uneventful patrol night. At the end, Virgil decides to hop back home and set up a nest of blankets and pillows for them and washes the makeup off of his face. When he goes back to get Roman, he finds the prince unconscious and being shoved into a van by two strangers.

In a panic, Virgil stops time and runs through a portal back home. He wakes up Logan and Patton and the decide to play ‘innocent bystanders’ who try to stop the kidnapping. After nearly getting run over, attacking the two kidnappers and stopping the van with telekinesis... they fail and Roman goes missing.

[This is where the story leaves off...]

[brokenfoetus]

...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals.  A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me.  There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone.  Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations.  Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment.  It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two.  Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways.  By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself.  It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying.  Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me.  Then I knew what had happened.  I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much.  That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust.  Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so.  Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate.  That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed.  Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day.  Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless.  I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather.  I didn’t even care anymore it was happening.  It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times.  Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me.  He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play.  An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha.  It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music.  I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though.  Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway.  That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at.  Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features.  xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood.  It’s been a while....                                                  -The End-

[madllamamomma]

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[thathopelessromantic]

underneath the moon

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Rating: General Pairing: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Toshinori Yagi | All Might (EraserMight) Note: Domestic fluff with older characters. Plus a side of wholesome DadMight & Izuku bonding. Implied TodoMido/TodoDeku.

Extracting himself from the blankets twisted around his legs, and the man plastered against his back isn’t easy, but he manages.

AO3: (x)

Toshinori isn’t sure what wakes him, though the sharp burn in his side suggests he might have simply moved wrong in his sleep, but he spends an hour lying awake, eyes closed, hoping, praying, to go back to sleep, before he gives up. Extracting himself from the blankets twisted around his legs, and the man plastered against his back isn’t easy, but he manages.

He stumbles through the dark of the apartment to the bathroom for a drink. He doesn’t bother with the light, but a nightlight gives off enough of a soft glow for him to see his outline in the mirror. Shouta insisted the nightlight was a logical addition, the overhead light was too bright in the middle of the night or coming home after work when his eyes were already dry and overworked, but he didn’t want to be rummaging around totally blind. But Toshinori was fairly certain it had been a gift from Hitoshi, and that was why he was so unfailingly defensive about it. Fondly, Toshinori taps the smiling cat’s forehead, and the light shifts from green to blue under his hand.

Shouta is still fast asleep when he exits the bathroom, though he’s already relocated to the exact middle of the bed, and confiscated Toshinori’s pillow for himself. Toshinori goes to grab his phone and glasses from the bedside table, and he’s struck by the urge to go back to bed and press a kiss to Shouta’s forehead, but he doesn’t trust himself not to get carried away, and he doesn’t want to wake his husband. Just because he can’t sleep doesn’t mean Shouta needs to suffer with him. The man has enough trouble sleeping normal hours as it is.

So, he leaves the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him as quietly as he can. Hiro waits for him in the living room, curled up on the top of the couch, watching him through one cracked eye. Her tail twitches as he waves a hand hello to her, but she stays curled in her little ball, too old now to be bothered with him so late.

So, he goes out to the balcony, leaving the door cracked behind him. The moon is high above him, and clouds lighten the sky so much he can nearly forget just how late it truly is. The still silence of the street feels strange, however, each movement a thunderclap of disruption to the night.

He settles into one of the chairs, waking up his phone. There are emails he should answer, and a handful of texts from the U.A. teacher’s group-chat he hasn’t bothered to open since Shouta was around to scoff at them as they arrived earlier in the day and relay any important information to Toshinori as he cooked.

The news alerts are all he really cares about. The app pops open, white background still too bright until the text loads. There were a few minor attacks around the country that are addressed in short, simple memos. But that wasn’t unusual, something was always happening, somewhere around the country, and even then, these days most stations only reported on villain attacks or take downs that involved Pros, unless it was a large bust or a high-profile criminal. An article from a few days ago about a large-scale attack Creati’s agency dealt with in Tokyo is still trending, but he’s almost sure he’s learned all he can from the article by now. The rest of the news is about local events coming up, and another warning about the summer storm that’s supposed to be hitting any day now.

Despite that, he finds himself dialing a familiar number. The phone rings three times, before someone picks up with a loud fumble, a quiet curse, and a confused, breathless “Hello?”

Toshinori sighs softly. “Did I wake you?”

“No!” Izuku scrambles to say, suddenly sounding much more awake than a moment ago. “Well, yes. But it’s okay. I was asleep on the couch, so really my neck will thank you in the morning. And so will I, because Shoto would totally kill me if he found me out here, again. I mean obviously I would be the one to thank you either way because it’s my neck but,” Izuku takes a deep breath, steadying himself and lowering his voice. “Can’t sleep?”

“How was work?” Toshinori asks, not bothering to acknowledge the question. This had become habit for him long ago, and Izuku knew well what it meant to get a call from Toshinori in the middle of the night.

“It was good. Busy, hectic, but good. Tonight was pretty typical. Oh, but did I tell you about the accidental team-up I had with Pinky and Uravity a few days ago? It was just like that training exercise back when we were first years! Except the villains were real this time, of course. Oh, and my quirk didn’t go haywire, haha. But Blackwhip did come in handy this time around as well!”

Toshinori smiles as Izuku launches into his story, letting the boy’s familiar rambling wash over him. He sits back in the chair, and just lets Izuku talk, humming along occasionally to show he is still listening, until Izuku finally runs out of new stories.

“Are you okay, Toshinori?” Izuku finally asks, voice impossibly soft at the question.

Toshinori can’t help but smile. He wonders what that eager, anxious kid he met all those years ago would do if he could hear them now. “I’m fine, my boy. Just a bad night.”

Izuku hums in quiet sympathy. “And how is…”

Toshinori waits to see if he will finish the question, but there’s just a pained whimper on the other line and he finally takes pity on his successor. “Shouta is fine, already exhausted by the newest class, but good. And he told you ages ago to just use his name.”

Izuku huffs. “I know, but it’s just weird. It feels like he can still expel me somehow.”

Toshinori can’t help but laugh. “You graduated years ago, my boy.”

“Oddly, that doesn’t make me feel better. If anyone would still have that power, it would be Aizawa-sensei.”

“Go to bed my boy, you need your rest. Tell young Shoto ‘hello’ from me in the morning.”

“I will,” Izuku promises around a yawn. “And you too.”

“Of course.”

The silence after they hang up settles heavily around him, but it lacks the strangeness of before. He is no longer an interloper to the quiet, but a part of the solemn night.

Pushing himself to his feet, he goes back inside. Shouta has moved entirely onto his side of the bed when he returns. One arm folded around the pillow hugged to his chest, while the other is stretched out towards the edge of the mattress. His hand twitches ever so slightly in his sleep, and there’s a furrow in his brow. Toshinori sits on the edge of the bed, soothing the distressed look away with a touch, and pressing a kiss to Shouta’s forehead.

Shouta squirms, eyes blinking open in disgruntled confusion. “Toshi?” he asks, voice husky with sleep and barely above a whisper. “What are you doing up? Come to bed.”

Toshinori chuckles softly. “I was trying.”

Shouta looks down at himself, but it still takes a few moments for the pieces to click into place in his sleep-muddled brain, before he relinquishes the pillow and shifts himself back towards his side of the bed. Toshinori slips under the covers and Shouta is on him again in a second, pushing and pressing until Toshinori is on his back, Shouta’s head tucked against his shoulder, and his arm stretched over his chest, hand laid directly over his chest.

Shouta breathes deeply against him and Toshinori shivers at the gentle brush of air.

“You were outside?”

“Just for a little while.”

Shouta’s hand tenses over his heart, as if he could somehow fashion a stronger hold over it than he already has.

“Pain level?”

Toshinori takes a deep breath. “One or two, maybe.”

Shouta turns his head, opening his eyes again to look at him. He lifts a hand and taps gently at Toshinori’s temple. “You okay up here?”

Toshinori grabs his hand, pulling it down to press a kiss to his fingers. In the day time, that move would usually earn him a slight blush and a sudden change in subject, but now Shouta just graces him with a sleepy smile he immediately tucks away as a memory to cherish. “I’m fine, love.”

Shouta returns his hand to Toshinori’s chest, closing his eyes again and nosing closer. Toshinori turns his head to press a kiss to his temple, lips brushing over the flashes of grey starting in Shouta’s dark hair.

“How’s Izuku?” Shouta asks. His voice already sounds as if he’s fading back into sleep.

“Good. Still refusing to call you ‘Shouta.’”

“Punk. I told him to.”

Toshinori hides his smile in Shouta’s hair. He closes his eyes and settles his hand over Shouta’s outstretched arm, fingers brushing nonsense patterns against his forearm, just under the jagged edges of the scar on his elbow. Between his talk with Izuku, and his husband’s warm weight and familiar scent, he can feel himself being lulled back into sleep, finally.

Suddenly, a new weight is added to the bed with a curious chirp.

Shouta groans against his throat, “You let the monster in.”

Opening his eyes once again, Toshinori makes contact with the glowing irises of Hiro standing on the foot of the bed, looking around bewildered, as if she couldn’t quite believe she had made it so far without being caught. He calls for her quietly and Shouta half-heartedly kicks at him.

“Toshi, no.”

“Oh, you love her, hush.”

“I only love her in the daytime.” Shouta protests.

Despite the apparent rejection from her original owner, Hiro ignores Toshinori’s summons and walks confidently over to Shouta’s side of the bed, plopping down beside him. And starting to purr. Loudly.

Shouta groans again. “This is all your fault.”

“I’m sorry, should I get up and take her out?”

The arm thrown over his chest tightens against him even more. “Absolutely not.”