#and what im doing is pretty mentally draining. and ive got a million other things ive gotta do
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#im just gonna do some thinking. so its 10pm on friday night and im stuck here in the lab for another half hour and ive gott be back here at#6.50am and ill be here until 3. come back at 9pm and stay to 10.30 again#and what im doing is pretty mentally draining. and ive got a million other things ive gotta do#and im not happy. im v not happy. ive got at least 2 more projects like this lined up#and my pi is like: ah this data is interesting! and i just cant even summon a little bit of emotion about it#someday im gonna look back on this time in my life and it'll make me sad. just a blur of the same draining nonsense everyday#like whats the point of that? somethings gotta give#but i feel obligated to do this bc my weird necrotic behaviors mean im v efficient at it. so i generate so much data#and then i open up the data and feel nothing. like my body had to physically adjust to the idea that i was gonna have to start taking#measurements again. like 2 weeks agon when i stopped the last project i felt so far past burnout that#i was just numb and i feel like that would be easier to maintain than trying to enjoy anything#and i just keep getting more of these projects and its not even what im really interested in#thr project i wanna do just keeps getting pushed further and further back. and idk maybe i should just accept that its not gonna happen#and shut up abt it. i mean shut up to myself. i dont actually complain abt it#and if i did it would be like ahaha im in pain but im laughing so u dont take it seriously#bc whats the point in letting ppl kno ur hurting when u dont intend to do anything abt it? at that pt ur just infecting ppl with ur stress#i kno i keep saying this but ive gotta find a new lab for a phd. but im so burnt out and i have so little spare time#and i wanna draw but that takes so much time. like do i take a bit of happiness or do i b productive?#maybe that's what ill do when im stuck here at night. look for an interesting lab. somewhere not in the desert#i dont wanna live in las vegas or in California. i wanna go somewhere with trees#idk. im just tired and sad :-/#and my pi mentions a student coming here in the spring with similar interests to me and im just like so numb im just like#wow. i wish i could manifest even a little bit of his passion. im just staring at open docs like. i want yo lay down and decompose#somethings gotta give sooner or later#like my single friend came over last weekend and asked me if id made any friends in my 'new' position and its just like#the only human contact i have is being around ppl in the lab and our lab manager jokes thst im so quiet she wouldnt kno i was there if not#for the machines buzzing.#i spend my time in my apt and the lab and i run around my neighborhood once a day. thats basically it. thats all i do#its stupid. i wish i was at home listening to thr sounds of bugs and frogs or on the lakeside#in the woods. not thinking
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