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brenmckenn · 5 years ago

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Shawn

On December 31st 2018 I fell asleep on the couch next to my roommate, Chelsi. “There's ten seconds left, Bren.” she said, nudging me. We counted down as the crowd gathered in Times Square on TV. “Happy New Year.” I said groggily and fell back to sleep. The following day, I entertained the idea of New Years Resolutions and thought, this year I should try dating. I hadn't really dated since my last relationship.

I was nervous and before meeting anybody, I'd drink – a lot. I met this guy from Instagram with a fake tan who showed up to our house party one night with a complexion more orange than an Oompah Loompah. I was too intoxicated to perform later on and he spoon fed me pasta before I passed out moments later. The following morning Amber, my other roommate brought me coffee and left it outside my bedroom door. Hours later I chugged the entire thing like it were water, while the Instagram guy watched.

“You need to go.” I told him.

“I’m looking for my Uber.” he said, swiping through tinder.

Then there was another guy who, in a rush to leave before daybreak, forgot his belt - now my belt. The guy from the gym that didn’t wear shoes, then messaged me on Grindr to ask if I had been checking out his ass. I hooked up with him purely to say “I hooked up with this guy from the gym.” It's a gay rite of passage. An American boy who smuggled me Menthols. A handsome professional who made a lux coffee date feel like a job interview. A charming, fit guy who made out with me on a playground like it were eighth grade. Then Shawn.

By then I was ready to meet somebody without being heavily intoxicated. I sought warmth on a cold February night, inside of a busy pub on St. Paul street.

“Brendan! Good to meet you.” he said. “Sit down! I hope you like beer.”

I loved beer.

He explained that he had come to Canada from Scotland to finish his Masters degree, researching wooly mammoths and other extinct organisms. It was his passion and his general confidence that ignited something in me. I had a suspicion I might enjoy spending time with him, without even knowing what he looked like naked.

Over the next few months, we prepared meals together and sampled different beers. We watched films and discussed them afterward, realizing we shared more in common than we initially thought. Beer, films, and cuddles. There is no better reason to fall for someone, really. So I did. I fell for him.

In April, my roommates left for Thailand for two months. I was alone and Shawn became my entire focus. It wasn't long before I confessed my feelings to him, which were met with rejection. He didn't plan on staying in Canada, and therefore wasn't looking for anything serious. I wasn't sure whether my feelings for Shawn were a result of how alone I felt, or if I felt alone because my feelings were unreciprocated. Naturally, to make sense of this, I booked a therapy appointment.

Anxious and on the verge of tears, I sat in the waiting room across from a nervous man who couldn't sit still in his chair. Another client was still in session while three bleach blond children, who couldn't have been older than eight, scattered toys all around the floor. None of them seemed to notice me or the other guy there. How peculiar, I thought. One boy said to his brother “I hate being home-schooled. I miss my friends.”

“Mom did it to protect us.” said the other boy.

“From what?”

“The bullies.”

A tall slender woman with a blond bob, adorned in excessive jewellery, gathered her kids and exited the office – toys left scattered about, like a Fisher-Price armageddon. The therapist, who carried the aura of a caring mother, slim and no older than 40 appeared perplexed when she noticed us.

“Brendan. We're not scheduled until tomorrow.”

I was sure she was incorrect.

“Let me just double check.” she said, huffing and disappearing into another room. The man in front of me buried his head in his hands.

When she returned, she apologized for giving me the wrong date and accepted the nervous man into her office. “Not good.” She said, shaming herself as their footsteps lowered to silence. I exited the house with a weight still heavy in my chest.

The following day, I returned and told her about Shawn. With enough precision and haste I made the entire session about him. I thought that maybe there was something I wasn't seeing that she could. Was I broken? The answer to that would cost me $120.

“Would you like to book another session?” she asked.

“No. Not today.” I said.

I ended things with Shawn on my birthday. By then the girls were home from Thailand. I cried a lot that day and smoked too many cigarettes. The girls wouldn’t let me stay sad though. Tears were interrupted with shots of tequila, and worry was paused by a cupcake with a candle in it. No matter how broken I felt, I didn't feel alone anymore.

In time, I made my peace with Shawn. I'm grateful for my experience with him. I learned that I value intimacy where there's a deeper connection established, rather than quick and mostly meaningless encounters. That fear of a deeper connection which once tortured me is now something I chase and thrive on. When I count down from ten on December 31st this year, it won't be fear that fills my heart, it will be a lust for life and all it has to offer.

#personal #blog #essay #writing #gay #dating

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inklesspen · 5 years ago

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Unknown Armies Character Sheet Overview

Unknown Armies describes itself as “an occult game about broken people conspiring to fix the world”. The default, and only official, setting is a world where becoming sufficiently obsessed about something gives you magic powers, where there there are exactly 333 godlike archetypes that define all of reality.

The basic mechanic of UA is the “percentile roll”. That is, you’ll have a percent rating in something, like Lie, and you roll two ten-sided dice and generate a number from 0 to 99. If it comes in equal to or less than the rating, the roll succeeds. This mechanic has been used in dozens of games; what makes UA unique are the shock meters and the identity system, which form the core of your character sheet.

I’m not going to try to explain the whole system, just the different things that go into defining a character.

Stress

I’m gonna need a visual aid here.

So. There’s five lines here. Each line corresponds to a particular kind of mental stress:

Helplessness is pretty straightforward. You suffer this stress when you unintentionally humiliate yourself in public, get fired from a job, or fail to save someone you care about.

Isolation keys off the fact we’re social beings. We look to other people for judgement and affirmation, to know who we are. Going a day without seeing friends, spending time in solitary confinement, spending time in a country where you don’t speak the language; all of these are isolating.

Self is interesting. We all have ideas about who we are. We have values, principles, that we’d never ever compromise, until someday we do. When you compromise on those principles, that’s a stress to your sense of self. Break a promise, lie to your friends for their own good, send a loved one into danger. That’s going to hurt.

Unnatural is anytime the universe doesn’t work the way you expected it to. That tends to be magic a lot of the time, because the universe in Unknown Armies is human-centric. Other kinds of unnatural phenomena exist as well, but they always come back to human activity.

Violence stress covers being hurt. It also covers hurting others, or even just watching someone get hurt. Violence hurts us all, no matter who’s feeling the pain.

Let’s look at the rows again. On the left, we have a meter with nine notches; on the right, there’s a little set of five boxes. The meter represents becoming hardened to stress; the five boxes represent failing to cope with stress. Whenever you might experience stress of a particular kind, the GM assigns a rank to it; there’s some charts that help decide the rank, but it’s partly subjective; losing your job just isn’t as stressful if you have a safety net to fall back on, for instance.

Every time you experience a stress, you might have to roll a stress check. First, compare the rank of the stress to the notch on corresponding meter. This particular character has the second notch marked in Unnatural; this means she doesn’t have to roll for Unnatural stress ranked 1 or 2, but she would for a stress with rank 3 or higher. This is because she’s experienced enough Unnatural stress that she’s become hardened to it. (Failed notches don’t protect you in the same way.)

Hardened notches will make it safer for you to experience stress, but they’re not all good; too many of them will make you callous and eventually you get burned out. The character above has 10 hardened notches; when she gets 25 or more hardened notches, she can no longer use her passions to help her rolls.

Failed notches are just plain bad. They represent stress that you couldn’t cope with. Get too many of them and you stop being able to function. However, with help from people you trust, you can erase those hardened and failed notches. You can learn to move on.

Abilities

There’s ten abilities in Unknown Armies and they all get their values from your hardened notches on the stress meters. The character above has three hardened notches on Helplessness, and correspondingly that means her Fitness ability is 50% and her Dodge ability is 30%. As one of those goes up, the other will go down. You can see the other pairs for yourself on the chart; rest assured that the book explains why they’re paired up like that.

Struggle (one of the abilities on the Violence meter) refers explicitly to untrained, messy violence. It’s not a clean shot from a sniper rifle; it’s thumbs in eyes, revving chainsaws, terrible shit like that. (If you want to be able to kill someone cleanly, you’ll need an Identity that allows it. And probably one that resists shocks to Violence.)

Identities

In addition to the stress meters, each character also starts with 120% in identities, split among at least two identities, and up to four. Identities are things like “Motivational Speaker”, “Child of Immigrants”, “Pro Chess Grandmaster”. Everyone has labels they’ll give themselves, that explain how they think about themselves. Identities will do a number of things for you.

First and foremost, they can substitute for an ability. If I’m a Pro Chess Grandmaster, I can roll this identity instead of Notice, in situations where the fact I’m a grandmaster is relevant. This is a great way to shore up a weak ability.

Identities also provide an “Of course I can”. I’m a Pro Chess Grandmaster, so Of Course I Can think several steps ahead, fake out my opponents, or compose myself under stress. You can pick up an identity with the ability to help you resist specific stresses, or help you inflict specific stresses on others. (I’m The Most Popular Girl at School, so I can inflict Isolation stress by making sure nobody will give you the time of day.)

Identities can also grant specific abilities, like “experienced with firearms” (necessary if you want to use a gun accurately), “can provide medical treatment”, “can provide therapy”, or unique stuff like “can build/repair electrical devices”, “can forge identity documents”, etc.

One of your identities is going to be your “obsession” identity. That’s the one where, if I held a gun to your head and told you to burn all but one, you’d pick that one. When you use your obsession identity in a roll, you can “flip-flop”. Say you rolled 91% and that’s really bad. Well, just flip the numbers around, and now you rolled 19%, and that’s going to be just fine. On the other hand, if you roll a 97%, a 79%’s not much better.

If you have magic, there’s a special kind of identity that you have related to that. Depending on the kind of magic you have, it might have to be your obsession identity.

Passions

Every character has three passions; something that drives you to a furious, perhaps violent state, something that terrifies you enough that you might do something awful to escape, and something that’s the better angel of your nature, something that motivates the best side of you.

When you’re acting in tune with your passions, you have a higher chance of succeeding. Mechanically, each passion can be used once per session to either reroll a roll or flip-flop the dice (the same way your obsession identity can).

On the other hand, your passions can drive you too. Pushing back rage is hard but possible, but being exposed to your fear is going to be stressful. (Your fear passion has to be linked to one of the stress meters; facing your fear means facing a stress to that meter.) Lastly, if you ignore your noble passion, that’s a blow to your sense of self, and thus a stress against your Self meter.

Relationships

Unknown Armies has picked five relationships and decided they are the most important. I could quibble with some of them (especially “Guru”) but c'est la vie. You can have the relationships with individuals or organizations; you start with two of them defined, and one of them has to be a fellow PC. Basically, you can roll the relationship stat in a number of situations that can best be summed up as “when the relationship is relevant”. The target of the relationship can also roll it to get you to do things. Overall this is probably the least innovative part of the sheet.

#rpg talk #unknown armies #wow i wonder what use i could have for posting this out of the blue

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jeremystrele · 4 years ago

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An Honest Conversation On Single Parenting By Choice + Donor Conception With Takeawei Ceramics Founder, Chela Edmunds

Family

by Lucy Feagins, Editor

Inside the Jan Juc, Victoria home of Chela Edmunds from Takeawei Ceramics, and her daughter Ocean. Photos – Nikole Ramsay

Chela and Ocean! Photos – Nikole Ramsay

Chela decided to have a child at age 40, and Ocean was conceived via sperm donor and IVF. Photo – Nikole Ramsay

This home is warm, earthy and full of pastel colours – just like Chela’s label, Takeawei ceramics! Photos – Nikole Ramsay

As well as being a mother, Chela runs a business encompassing designing, making, running classes, wholesaling, an online shop, bricks and mortar store, and soon-to-launch Airbnb! Photo – Nikole Ramsay

‘I would like Ocean to grow up proud of her birth story and her life. I think that talking openly with respect to all parties involved is important,’ says Chela. Photo – Nikole Ramsay

Australian women are increasingly seeking assisted reproductive treatments and choosing to become single mothers, but it’s not often we hear these stories openly shared.

Someone who can speak to this experience is ceramicist Chela Edmunds, owner of Takeawei, whose gorgeous 18-month-old daughter Ocean was donor conceived.

From deciding to become a single parent at 40, and the intimate details of the IVF process, there wasn’t a single question that was off limits in our interview with Chela. We’re so grateful she shared her family story with us.

Have you always wanted to become a mother?

I always enjoyed being around children, but I hadn’t given motherhood much thought. I guess I just assumed one day I would meet the right partner, at the right time, and we would have children together.

I turned 40 and making the decision to have a child was probably the hardest thing I’ve done. I had so many questions that just couldn’t be answered: would I miss being free to do as I please? Would I be a good parent? Would Father’s Day be awkward at school? Would I be enough…just one parent?

I felt that I would be happy and fulfilled with or without a child. Some people seem to know without a doubt that they want children, so did I want it enough?

The deciding moment came when a friend asked how I’d feel if I found I was pregnant right then, and I was so elated with love that I just knew I wanted to be a mum, and all those other questions could be worked out along the way.

What did your life look like when you decided to have a child?

I had just turned 40, and I was happy where I was in life, career, geography, and I felt financially stable. I had spent most of my 20s partying and traveling and my 30s focused on career and building my small business. I didn’t have a partner and I wanted to have a family, so I had to be proactive about it and take steps to make that happen.

How did you then eventually decide on the donor conception route?

I initially went to the IVF clinic to see about getting my eggs frozen and see how my fertility was tracking. My first appointment I was shown a pretty bleak graph with age versus eggs, and later my test results seemed to confirm that my chances of becoming pregnant were slim. It was then I realised I had no obligation to wait for a mythical partner before starting a family, and it was now or harder the longer I waited.

Choosing a donor was just part of the process to me, as I didn’t have anyone I would ask to be in a father role or share parenting.

The most common questions I receive are misconceptions about donors (don’t call them dad) and their role, which is fair enough, because I didn’t know much about sperm donation until I went to the clinic, received the compulsory counselling sessions, and did my own research about the process.

What exactly is involved in the IVF treatment and process?

Blood tests, hormone treatment, lots of self injecting, then choosing a sperm donor, egg harvesting, and an embryo transfer a few days later.

I had gone on a holiday prior to starting the process, ate well, gave up smoking and drinking, and received acupuncture and craniosacral therapy to help me feel balanced.

I found the worst part was the wait from egg harvesting – watching embryos not make it – and finally after the embryo transfer being told how important it was to stay stress free and happy in order to give the transfer the best chance of success. I was also opening my first solo retail store with Takeawei at the time, and just generally in the thick of Christmas trade 2019, so it was not an ideal, stress-free environment!

They even recommend watching comedies that I just bawled my way through and then felt bad about crying. Being light and cheerful is really so hard when you are full of hormones and wondering if this little life inside you is going to make it.

I was surprised and finally genuinely cheerful when I found out the transfer had taken the first time.

What was your resulting pregnancy like?

I loved it. I felt like mother nature with all the changes in my body but also the changes to my mind. I think I became kinder also – like I could see the child in everyone – and I really stopped worrying about small stuff.

I would get really tired some days but I knew those were the days when Ocean was doing some serious growing so it made me feel everything was going well.

Mostly I was just a bit slower and rounder, and I could smash three punnets of blueberries in five minutes.

Were you able to take much time off work after Ocean was born?

I took three months parental leave where I left the day-to-day running of Takeawei in the capable hands of my staff. Here and there I would answer emails or jump online and do a website update or Instagram post.

Most of all I was just really happy to spend down time at home getting to know Ocean and stare at her for hours. I don’t think I put her down for the first month.

Ocean is 18 months now and she has just started daycare, so although I have been working, it’s a very different work schedule. I do most work at night.

How do your days now start and end with Ocean?

We co-sleep so waking up to Ocean saying ‘up up!’ and giving me a kiss is a good start to the day.

Usually I just grab a coffee at home, have a little breakfast on the balcony, and watch the dogs get walked or the garbage truck come past.

If Ocean is up for it we take snacks and the push trike up to our local cafe and onto the lookout at Jan Juc beach, or to the park for a play. After that we are both pretty tired so we have something to eat and while Ocean naps I get some work calls or emails done, tidy up a bit, and then Ocean is usually awake again.

The second part of the day we grab a snack and might go to the studio for about an hour to take some photos of pieces, chat with my colleague Tessy about what we are making and firing, and any orders we have.

If we have time I’ll take Ocean to the park or the beach before we go home, and then her dinner, bath and bedtime starts around 4.30pm. I eat with her, but it feels really weird having dinner at 4.30pm, so I usually have another dinner later and do some work on the computer. Once Ocean is asleep, I read or watch a movie if I haven’t fallen asleep feeding Ocean.

I throw a lot of things on the back burner as the most important thing is getting the food and sleep we need some days. I’m excited for both of us now that Ocean has just started daycare two days a week. I feel like she will get the play she needs with other kids and I will get some time to do so many of those things on the back burner. My mum and aunt babysit once a week while I teach, and I love that they have a close relationship with Ocean.

Who have been your greatest supporters as a parent?

My mum, Pauline, is just my biggest support always. She was the first to jump in and say ‘of course you can do it’ when I first questioned having a baby. She told me it would be hard and it would also be fun, which is so true. Mum came and stayed with us the first month; she took care of me so I could take care of Ocean.

My friends have also been a great support. I had three close friends at Ocean’s birth and I’m so thankful to all my friends that made sure I was fed for months afterwards, or held Ocean while I took a shower.

What have you learned since becoming a mother?

To be kinder – everyone is dealing with their own stuff.

What advice would you give to other single women hoping to have children?

How do you explain to someone how hard something can be but how none of that matters when so much love fills your life?

Having Ocean is the best thing I have ever done, I love her beyond words. I would like Ocean to grow up proud of her birth story and her life. I think that talking openly with respect to all parties involved is important.

Also, don’t let the washing get out of control – it will bury you.

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Family activity or outing?

We love to go to the beach.

Cafe?

Our local, Swell.

Ideal ‘me time’ activity?

Hamam or a surf.

Sunday morning breakfast ritual?

Anything with lots of eggs, because Ocean likes cracking them and would do the whole carton if I let her!

Weekend getaway?

Down along the Great Ocean Road to Lorne.

Shop Takeawei Ceramics online or at their new store at 120 Gertrude Street, Fitzroy.

If you’re interested in learning more about donor conception, and the experiences of donor-conceived children, Chela recommends the following resources: varta.org.au wearedonorconceived.com

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sfneofuturists · 7 years ago

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From the desk of the reincarnated spirit of Eugene O’Neill: Bye, bye, Marisa!

If you’ve been coming to The Infinite Wrench for the past couple months, you may have noticed a few ominous references to a certain Neo-Futurist1 leaving the country, and consequently the San Francisco Neo-Futurists, for the foreseeable future2. Well, the time has finally come for that Neo-Futurist’s1 last week in the Infinite Wrench. We’re all very melancholy over the whole thing, but if you think we’re not going to have fun with it, then you clearly haven’t seen our show3.

You may have also noticed that enough with these footnotes already and I can assure you this is Simon’s fault. He wrote a play, which in the course of administrative functions forced me to learn how to use superscripts and I’ve taken to them like a slightly less indulgent David Foster Wallace7.

Anyway, we also have Ryan Patrick (who taught me that I don’t know how to spell Rihanna), Andie (who taught me that I CAN dance after all), Amy (whose new plays didn’t teach me anything, but they’re just dandy anywho) and me, Dylan, in the show! Stellar.

Here are your weekly world premieres:

-90 seconds and the 36 questions scientifically proven to increase interpersonal closeness1

-120 east

-Fever Dream Farewell

-A reenactment of what happened to my brain when someone told me they ‘didn’t know what Rihanna looked like’

-Spear Carrier

-hypocritic oath

-The only dream I ever had about motherhood taught me everything I need to know about what kind of parent I will be.

-’Taint Goodbye

-aversion therapy

-An Interpretation of Screams

Stellar. Just stellar. Okay, come see Marisa8 do that infinitely wrenchy goodness this weekend and buy her a gluten-free drink!

See you on Friday and/or Saturday, you foxy dinguses!

Warmest Regards, The Reincarnated Spirit of Eugene O’Neill

Marisa

Some holidays and blackout dates excluded.

In which case, what’s going on with you, friend? Why are you reading the blog, but not coming to the show? We don’t bite and we think you’ll have a good time. The blog’s all well and good, but it’s really more of a supplementary thing. The show is where the real magic4 happens5.

We don’t do magic6.

If you’re like a relative or friend or fan who likes to keep tabs but has never been able to see the show, then thanks for your support! We should really work on getting you here sometime!

Usually.

Or a slightly more indulgent Junot Díaz.

We’re really gonna miss you, buddy.

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sierrabinondo · 6 years ago

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2018

this year happened so. fast. i feel like it was just yesterday that we were eating tapas in a cabin in upstate new york for kristen’s birthday in february, celebrating jeremiah’s 30th in july, or waking up to warm weather in may after a long winter. the older i get the more i freak out about my mortality. life seemed to lull and drag when i was a teenager and i had nothing going on.

while i’m sad to see it end i’m really proud of the year i had. i can’t believe how much happened this year. i finally got a new job after years of searching, i worked out a lot and had abs for like a second, traveled a TON, and went on a lot of adventures. this year was probably my most adventurous. i like to believe it was a good year for my friends too- my best friend’s daughter turned one, my other best friend had a baby, and another hosted a kegger wedding. about ten of us trekked to new orleans (some of us flying for the first time) for the most drinking i have ever done in three days (it was more painful than fun for me sadly) and my friend had her fairytale halloween wedding. my weekends were extreeemely busy.

my band had our best year yet. we say that every year, i know, but i am grateful that it’s something that keeps growing. we went on our longest tour yet and played places we haven’t been before, we drew 75 people to our EP release show, played launch, opened for some of our favorite artists and released a record. at the very beginning of this year i set out to have better performances. i like to believe i worked harder and as a result i had a lot better shows. i’m still unhappy with a lot of gigs i had, personally haha, but i think that i showed up and really did well when it mattered most (eidola, tilian, this show in raritan that like 120 people showed up to lmao). i’ve been trying to compare myself as a singer, and ourselves as a band, way less than i used to. it feels like we have been at this forever but at the same time every year feels like brand new. we have had so much fun doing this. i think about everyone once i looked up to who quit, and shudder at the thought that they were my age when they did, but it’s really hard for me to give this up.

god, you could have told me that building a band was going to take forever, and i’d shake my head mindlessly agreeing, but i don’t think i was really prepared for the waiting game. and how long it was really going to take. it feels like we work really hard with no return on investment. so... we got burned out this year. i did. it became hard for all of us to write new material. it didn’t seem like we slowed down this year in terms of productivity because we were playing so many shows, but mentally we did. people kept asking and asking and we couldn’t say no to offers.

but now we have to put ourselves first and focus on doing what we set out to do, which is create new music. if we can really buckle down this winter like we plan on doing, i think we’re on to something. we may only ever be able to reach a niche audience but we are going to muster every creative ability in our bodies to eventually reveal music that we think will evoke something magical still. but we have to do it right. and we have to take our time. there will be new music in 2019 i just don’t know when. and now that we have an arsenal of amazing creative friends i think this time we will have the right assets (especially visual) to support everything. now that i’m drawing again, i’m going to try really really hard to supplement everything we release with something cool, too. so we’ll see.

at this point, i don’t think we can afford to settle or not have a near-perfect creative output. the reason being is, and i know like 5 people who will hit me over the head for saying this, but it feels like we have a time limit on this. at the same time, i can’t imagine not doing music for the rest of my life. we could always just be an internet band, but that’s no fun. i think some semblance of our existence this upcoming year will be internet-based, because no one goes to shows as much. you really have to pick and choose if you want to bring people out every single time. anyways, i’m really excited for what this band can still morph and shape into, and i am so excited about my bandmates’ creative potential. i can’t wait to finally have a new body of songs to do something with.

the only downside to this entire year was that somehow, despite the many people i am grateful to be surrounded by, it was super lonely! haha!

most would consider myself to have a really extensive, supportive network. but a lot of times i would sink into a dark place and feel really isolated. i thought that the cure for this was to cut off friends who gave me a lot of anxiety, or people i felt like i couldn’t 100% be myself around, to focus on nurturing friendships i already had that seemed to be working. but that didn’t help. a lot of times it felt like i had no one. i felt like i couldn’t constantly lean on those i already depend on out of fear of sounding like a helpless broken record. i managed to turn simple things my friends said around me while we were together into indications that they didn’t want me around, or that i was just invited out of obligation. i really convinced myself that all of my problems were trivial and not worth mentioning. so when my anxious thoughts came back or i was feeling awful it was just like listening to them cycle over and over with no reprieve. just constantly belittling myself and chipping away at my confidence. i had to really start leaning into writing again because it was the only way i felt peace (and because i can’t afford therapy!). not even just lyrics, just free writing. so journaling again has helped a ton - but i still need to address the thoughts i keep having about myself and really ask myself if these things i’ve manifested in my head are true.

what it all boils down to is my anxiety about getting older. a lot of mornings the past couple months, and as recently as a couple days ago, i lie awake literally counting down the years until i need to have kids. or taking on even more financial burden as a homeowner. and it makes me so mad, because i didn’t ask to be alive on this earth HAHA sorry too dark- what i mean to say is, i often have an enormous difficulty accepting getting older because i think about how much less time i already have just as a young working adult to pursue my passions.

i think all of us are worried about making something of ourselves before we get too old. i see it when my friends are venting to me about how stressed they are about finding work and on twitter when people are bugging out about others reaching milestones in their lives like getting married. i think that there’s only so much we can do but stay positive- and most importantly- prioritize our happiness, and let our day-to-day choices be informed by that. i’m a realist and so i have almost come to terms with the fact that i may really not get to accomplish everything i’ve ever wanted in time. but that doesn’t mean that i’ll stop working to achieve my goals. though i’ve realized that i’m really happy with everything i already have. i have it pretty damn good. and the more that i accept happiness in multiple facets of my life the better i’ve felt. and the more music i’ve made.

so i hope that not just in 2019 but down the line everyone else finds happiness too.

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denisalvney · 7 years ago

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Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

The Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer massage chair is an invaluable investment in your present and future health.

When I decided to invest in a massage chair for myself, I checked out a pile of them (there are more than you can imagine), and this manufacturer and model rose to the top without doubt.

I know what you’re thinking. I’ve been there. You’ve had a lot of back pain. Maybe some neck pain too. you’re fatigued and overly tired all the time. Maybe a little cranky.

Your circulation is poor and your blood pressure is high. You’re under a lot of stress, and your doctor has told you a million and a half times to take it down a notch, or you’re headed for the hospital. But what do you do? Workout? Yes, don’t we all, as often as possible, but not as often as we should. Eat right? Of course.

When we’re not grabbing something mid-sprint on the way to another meeting. Get a massage every week? Who wouldn’t LOVE that? But time, money, blah blah. It’s hard!

A massage chair might seem out of reach or not something you would actually add to your home, but it makes more sense than you think. It’s not just a fancy recliner, and it’s not something you only use when you pay too much money for a movie or have twenty minutes to kill at the mall.

A massage chair is an excellent investment.

It pays in ways other than monetarily (though it will save you a bundle in medical and message therapy bills). It’s one of the single best things you can do for your health and wellbeing, both physically and mentally.

Science is behind the rewards of massage on the body and mind, and when you start seriously considering a massage chair, Osaki is a brand you’ll want to explore.

One of the leaders in the industry, Osaki builds a variety of chairs, with a multitude of styles and features, and is one of the staunchest believers in putting the customer first. Here’s a complete review of why, out of the field of so many, I recommend the Pro Dreamer from Osaki.

Features

Two stage zero gravity

When you move into a reclined position and take the weight off your joints and bones, you put your body in a state of weightlessness, thereby easing all stress and strain.

This is reminiscent for many of us of astronauts and NASA because they invented it years ago and it’s still in use today. It utilizes this positioning, which reduces pressure on your spine.

You can recline into two positions in this chair, the second tilting you down low enough that your legs are above your heart, thereby increasing blood flow and circulation immediately.

Acupoint technology

Different styles, from Shiatsu, to deep tissue, to Swedish, utilize various pressure points on the body and use varying degrees of pressure to achieve maximum relaxation and relief from muscle pain.

There are over 300 of these points on our bodies, approximately 100 in our necks and backs. This chair uses this precise acupoint technology to target these pressure points and massage out of them knots and stress-induced kinks.

3D technology

This technology simulates in the wider rollers an actual massage from a human. These wide rollers go deeper into muscle and tissue–up to eight centimeters–for a more intense session.

There are five levels of intensity, so you can receive as gentle or vigorous massage as you need. This advanced technology enables a more precise and targeted session.

Second gen s-track

This advanced tracking system allows the massage heads to more accurately trace the exact outline and contours of your back, spine, and pressure points, which delivers a precise and tailored experience.

MP3 connection port

What is missing from most massage chairs?

The ability to plug in. Not so with Pro Dreamer. This chair has a port right inside the chair as well as speakers, so no more listening to the hum of your thoughts while you’re trying to relax. Now you can plug in and listen to whatever maximizes your relaxation.

Airbag squeeze at the waist

This chair has two airbags that hit on either side of your waist and inflate in order to not only massage the area but to more firmly connect you to the chair and rollers.

Computer body scan

GPS isn’t just for geo-caching. Osaki uses the GPS computer scanning to map 200 square inches of your back and then massage to those points accurately. The rollers and heads then use these coordinates to deliver a massage tailored to your exact back.

Shoulder heating and massage

Our shoulders do a lot of work and are often ignored.

When we think of massage, we always go for the back and neck. Sometimes we throw in a little arms and legs, and if we’re super lucky, head and hands.

But shoulders are our quiet workhorses, and they deserve massive relief. Two superb features with this chair are those that tend to these large muscle groups. The airbags at shoulder height, combined with heat, maximize the kneading and squeezing style that deliver massive stress and pain relief.

Airbag squeeze at the hips and seat

Similar to the waist airbag squeeze feature, this chair features six bags of air in the hips and seat area, which expand and contract, thereby squeezing and stretching the hip and buttock muscles.

Ten built in programs

Once the body scan is done with the navigation tracking, you can choose from ten different programs, tailored to your exact needs. You can alter the intensity within five levels and the width within three.

The LCD display is large format and clear, and you can use it to see exactly which part of your body is being worked on and to what degree. You can also use the manual mode to change all settings, including air bags.

Limb treatment

Remember what I said about arms, legs, hands, and arms being sort of afterthoughts? That’s just another great thing about it. You don’t have to sacrifice body parts or time spent on any one area. You get it all.

And with this chair, you get equal attention to every part of your body. The hand and arm and foot and calf regions utilize air bag technology to apply compression to your muscles so you get a complete and effective limb massage.

Foot and quad rollers

Speaking of limbs, I used to sometimes go for a massage and ask for the whole hour (or 90 minutes if I had some extra dough to spare) to be spent on my head and feet. A deep foot reflexology massage is transformative.

One of the absolute best features of this chair is the outstanding foot rollers–there are two sets of them and they spin and knead, hitting the critical pressure points. Similarly, after a long run or heavy workout, forget the IT band roller you have to use by hand.

This chair has built in rollers that focus on your quads. This is maximum recovery for a very large muscle group.

LED Chromotherapy lights

These lights are behind a bit of Plexiglas, so you only know they’re there when they’re activated in a darkened room. They emit a soothing cool quality of light that enhances relaxation. This combined with the MP3 connection port are instrumental features in adding bonus features to a stunning chair.

Auto shutoff

You can set the timer so the chair turns off automatically from five to thirty minutes, so you don’t have to worry about falling asleep and getting over-massaged or incurring a safety risk.

Foot and calf stretch

This chair measures the length of your legs and then uses air bag technology to deliver compression and stretching to the exact features of your legs.

PROS:

While the pro list is quite long compared to many other brands and models, I put the feature set at the top of the heap.

This chair is packed with them, and you are hard pressed to find another chair that delivers the full body, high technology experience you get with it. It also comes with a three-year warranty on parts and labor (save your receipt).

CONS:

As far as cons, if you’re on a tight budget, this one will set you back a bit. It’s also a bit on the large size, so you need plenty of space in any room you want to put it in.

Assembly is required, so keep in mind, you have a little work to do to get it up and running, but the good news is, you can have a massage as soon as you’re done.

[su_youtube_advanced url=“https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jUYTEmIstA” width=“720” controls=“no” showinfo=“no” rel=“no” fs=“no”]

Comparison With Other Models

Specifications

Dimensions (assembled) Upright: 35.4" W X 48" H X 58.3" D; reclined: 35.4" W X 45.3" H X 74.8" D

Power consumption: 250 watts

Weight: 231.5 pounds

Voltage: 110-120 volts; 50-60 Hz

Material: Faux leather (synthetic)

Customer Reviews

Customer reviews echo a consistent refrain, which is basically, “Wow!” Among other raves, the most prominent are around the excellent investment, high quality mechanics, and the ability to save and share programs.

If you’ve decided on a massage chair and your head is spinning from all the options, you can’t go wrong with this Osaki OS-3D Pro Dreamer (and then you can sit down and get a head massage!).

heir entire line affords excellent pain and stress relief, but this full-featured chair is an investment in the future of your happiness and health that is well worth making.

Artilce Source Here: Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review published first on https://wellnessgeeky.tumblr.com

0 notes

natiashakirkwood · 7 years ago

Text

Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

The Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer massage chair is an invaluable investment in your present and future health.

When I decided to invest in a massage chair for myself, I checked out a pile of them (there are more than you can imagine), and this manufacturer and model rose to the top without doubt.

I know what you’re thinking. I’ve been there. You’ve had a lot of back pain. Maybe some neck pain too. you’re fatigued and overly tired all the time. Maybe a little cranky.

When we’re not grabbing something mid-sprint on the way to another meeting. Get a massage every week? Who wouldn’t LOVE that? But time, money, blah blah. It’s hard!

A massage chair is an excellent investment.

Science is behind the rewards of massage on the body and mind, and when you start seriously considering a massage chair, Osaki is a brand you’ll want to explore.

Features

Two stage zero gravity

When you move into a reclined position and take the weight off your joints and bones, you put your body in a state of weightlessness, thereby easing all stress and strain.

This is reminiscent for many of us of astronauts and NASA because they invented it years ago and it’s still in use today. The Pro Dreamer utilizes this positioning, which reduces pressure on your spine.

You can recline into two positions in this chair, the second tilting you down low enough that your legs are above your heart, thereby increasing blood flow and circulation immediately.

Acupoint technology

Different styles, from Shiatsu, to deep tissue, to Swedish, utilize various pressure points on the body and use varying degrees of pressure to achieve maximum relaxation and relief from muscle pain.

3D technology

This technology simulates in the wider rollers an actual massage from a human. These wide rollers go deeper into muscle and tissue–up to eight centimeters–for a more intense session.

There are five levels of intensity, so you can receive as gentle or vigorous massage as you need. This advanced technology enables a more precise and targeted session.

Second gen s-track

MP3 connection port

What is missing from most massage chairs?

The ability to plug in. Not so with the OS 3D Pro Dreamer. This chair has a port right inside the chair as well as speakers, so no more listening to the hum of your thoughts while you’re trying to relax. Now you can plug in and listen to whatever maximizes your relaxation.

Airbag squeeze at the waist

This chair has two airbags that hit on either side of your waist and inflate in order to not only massage the area but to more firmly connect you to the chair and rollers.

Computer body scan

Shoulder heating and massage

Our shoulders do a lot of work and are often ignored.

When we think of massage, we always go for the back and neck. Sometimes we throw in a little arms and legs, and if we’re super lucky, head and hands.

Airbag squeeze at the hips and seat

Similar to the waist airbag squeeze feature, this chair features six bags of air in the hips and seat area, which expand and contract, thereby squeezing and stretching the hip and buttock muscles.

Ten built in programs

Limb treatment

Foot and quad rollers

This chair has built in rollers that focus on your quads. This is maximum recovery for a very large muscle group.

LED Chromotherapy lights

Auto shutoff

You can set the timer so the chair turns off automatically from five to thirty minutes, so you don’t have to worry about falling asleep and getting over-massaged or incurring a safety risk.

Foot and calf stretch

This chair measures the length of your legs and then uses air bag technology to deliver compression and stretching to the exact features of your legs.

PROS:

While the pro list is quite long compared to many other brands and models, I put the feature set at the top of the heap.

This chair is packed with them, and you are hard pressed to find another chair that delivers the full body, high technology experience you get with the Dreamer. It also comes with a three-year warranty on parts and labor (save your receipt).

CONS:

As far as cons, if you’re on a tight budget, this one will set you back a bit. It’s also a bit on the large size, so you need plenty of space in any room you want to put it in.

Assembly is required, so keep in mind, you have a little work to do to get it up and running, but the good news is, you can have a massage as soon as you’re done.

[su_youtube_advanced url=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jUYTEmIstA” width=”720″ controls=”no” showinfo=”no” rel=”no” fs=”no”]

Comparison With Other Models

Specifications

Dimensions (assembled) Upright: 35.4″ W X 48″ H X 58.3″ D; reclined: 35.4″ W X 45.3″ H X 74.8″ D

Power consumption: 250 watts

Weight: 231.5 pounds

Voltage: 110-120 volts; 50-60 Hz

Material: Faux leather (synthetic)

Customer Reviews

If you’ve decided on a massage chair and your head is spinning from all the options, you can’t go wrong with this Osaki OS-3D Pro Dreamer (and then you can sit down and get a head massage!).

heir entire line affords excellent pain and stress relief, but this full-featured chair is an investment in the future of your happiness and health that is well worth making.

Source Here: Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review published first on https://wellnessgeeky.wordpress.com

0 notes

helatherwhite · 7 years ago

Text

Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

The Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer massage chair is an invaluable investment in your present and future health.

When I decided to invest in a massage chair for myself, I checked out a pile of them (there are more than you can imagine), and this manufacturer and model rose to the top without doubt.

I know what you're thinking. I've been there. You've had a lot of back pain. Maybe some neck pain too. you're fatigued and overly tired all the time. Maybe a little cranky.

Your circulation is poor and your blood pressure is high. You're under a lot of stress, and your doctor has told you a million and a half times to take it down a notch, or you're headed for the hospital. But what do you do? Workout? Yes, don't we all, as often as possible, but not as often as we should. Eat right? Of course.

When we're not grabbing something mid-sprint on the way to another meeting. Get a massage every week? Who wouldn't LOVE that? But time, money, blah blah. It's hard!

A massage chair might seem out of reach or not something you would actually add to your home, but it makes more sense than you think. It's not just a fancy recliner, and it's not something you only use when you pay too much money for a movie or have twenty minutes to kill at the mall.

A massage chair is an excellent investment.

It pays in ways other than monetarily (though it will save you a bundle in medical and message therapy bills). It's one of the single best things you can do for your health and wellbeing, both physically and mentally.

Science is behind the rewards of massage on the body and mind, and when you start seriously considering a massage chair, Osaki is a brand you'll want to explore.

One of the leaders in the industry, Osaki builds a variety of chairs, with a multitude of styles and features, and is one of the staunchest believers in putting the customer first. Here's a complete review of why, out of the field of so many, I recommend the Pro Dreamer from Osaki.

Features

Two stage zero gravity

When you move into a reclined position and take the weight off your joints and bones, you put your body in a state of weightlessness, thereby easing all stress and strain.

This is reminiscent for many of us of astronauts and NASA because they invented it years ago and it's still in use today. The Pro Dreamer utilizes this positioning, which reduces pressure on your spine.

You can recline into two positions in this chair, the second tilting you down low enough that your legs are above your heart, thereby increasing blood flow and circulation immediately.

Acupoint technology

Different styles, from Shiatsu, to deep tissue, to Swedish, utilize various pressure points on the body and use varying degrees of pressure to achieve maximum relaxation and relief from muscle pain.

3D technology

This technology simulates in the wider rollers an actual massage from a human. These wide rollers go deeper into muscle and tissue--up to eight centimeters--for a more intense session.

There are five levels of intensity, so you can receive as gentle or vigorous massage as you need. This advanced technology enables a more precise and targeted session.

Second gen s-track

MP3 connection port

What is missing from most massage chairs?

The ability to plug in. Not so with the OS 3D Pro Dreamer. This chair has a port right inside the chair as well as speakers, so no more listening to the hum of your thoughts while you're trying to relax. Now you can plug in and listen to whatever maximizes your relaxation.

Airbag squeeze at the waist

This chair has two airbags that hit on either side of your waist and inflate in order to not only massage the area but to more firmly connect you to the chair and rollers.

Computer body scan

GPS isn't just for geo-caching. Osaki uses the GPS computer scanning to map 200 square inches of your back and then massage to those points accurately. The rollers and heads then use these coordinates to deliver a massage tailored to your exact back.

Shoulder heating and massage

Our shoulders do a lot of work and are often ignored.

When we think of massage, we always go for the back and neck. Sometimes we throw in a little arms and legs, and if we're super lucky, head and hands.

Airbag squeeze at the hips and seat

Similar to the waist airbag squeeze feature, this chair features six bags of air in the hips and seat area, which expand and contract, thereby squeezing and stretching the hip and buttock muscles.

Ten built in programs

Limb treatment

Remember what I said about arms, legs, hands, and arms being sort of afterthoughts? That's just another great thing about it. You don't have to sacrifice body parts or time spent on any one area. You get it all.

Foot and quad rollers

One of the absolute best features of this chair is the outstanding foot rollers--there are two sets of them and they spin and knead, hitting the critical pressure points. Similarly, after a long run or heavy workout, forget the IT band roller you have to use by hand.

This chair has built in rollers that focus on your quads. This is maximum recovery for a very large muscle group.

LED Chromotherapy lights

These lights are behind a bit of Plexiglas, so you only know they're there when they're activated in a darkened room. They emit a soothing cool quality of light that enhances relaxation. This combined with the MP3 connection port are instrumental features in adding bonus features to a stunning chair.

Auto shutoff

You can set the timer so the chair turns off automatically from five to thirty minutes, so you don't have to worry about falling asleep and getting over-massaged or incurring a safety risk.

Foot and calf stretch

This chair measures the length of your legs and then uses air bag technology to deliver compression and stretching to the exact features of your legs.

PROS:

While the pro list is quite long compared to many other brands and models, I put the feature set at the top of the heap.

CONS:

As far as cons, if you're on a tight budget, this one will set you back a bit. It's also a bit on the large size, so you need plenty of space in any room you want to put it in.

Assembly is required, so keep in mind, you have a little work to do to get it up and running, but the good news is, you can have a massage as soon as you're done.

[su_youtube_advanced url="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jUYTEmIstA" width="720" controls="no" showinfo="no" rel="no" fs="no"]

Comparison With Other Models

Specifications

Dimensions (assembled) Upright: 35.4" W X 48" H X 58.3" D; reclined: 35.4" W X 45.3" H X 74.8" D

Power consumption: 250 watts

Weight: 231.5 pounds

Voltage: 110-120 volts; 50-60 Hz

Material: Faux leather (synthetic)

Customer Reviews

Customer reviews echo a consistent refrain, which is basically, "Wow!" Among other raves, the most prominent are around the excellent investment, high quality mechanics, and the ability to save and share programs.

If you've decided on a massage chair and your head is spinning from all the options, you can't go wrong with this Osaki OS-3D Pro Dreamer (and then you can sit down and get a head massage!).

heir entire line affords excellent pain and stress relief, but this full-featured chair is an investment in the future of your happiness and health that is well worth making.

Source Here: Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review

Osaki OS 3D Pro Dreamer Review published first on http://wellnessgeeky.blogspot.com

0 notes

erosanova-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Vacillation

This is a follow-up to the previous post. You ever have some magnificently romantic idea that you think is just outstanding and nothing could ever keep that person from you after you've done it? And then something goes completely wrong, either in delivery or message itself... My life in a nutshell.

My first infatuation was in seventh grade. I started writing poetry to this girl I liked under (what I assumed was secret) an abstract email account name. She loved it, and we began talking quite a bit. [Background: I was a SUPER NERD, 120 pounds (soaking wet, on a good day), very little muscle tone or athletic ability, dorky glasses, red hair, and even terrible Wal-mart clothing; the whole spiel] Well she began asking who I was, and of course she was optimistic at first, listing a bunch of the jocks and other popular guys, not that I would tell her anyways. I felt like she really liked me, but wasn't sure if she would like my appearance as much as my personality, so I didn't tell her who I was. The defining moment was walking from break/recess to class and hearing her and my friend talk behind me,

"Hey somebody keeps sending me this poetry and I can't figure out who it is." She said.

"Oh hey let me take a look at that... [email protected]? [quaint email address right? Told you I was a miscreant] Oh that's [insert my name here]’s."

I froze. It's like that feeling when you know you're getting pulled over after speeding or doing something illegal. "Fuck," I thought. But nothing happened. Not until the next recess period... she took all the poems I had written her, threw them down on the ground and slapped me. She slapped me because I wasn't who she wanted to write them for her. (naturally, this was unspoken, but I knew. I knew it was because I wasn't popular or cool or athletic, that I wasn't good enough for her--at least, in her eyes.) Now when there's about 75-100 people in your class, it's kinda hard to live something like that down.

My second infatuation was my friend's girlfriend's little sister. I discovered how to properly hold hands with her, after being berated for doing it wrong by her psychotic older sister. She then went somewhere south for spring break, while I stayed and worked, and was sick the whole time. The entire week I couldn't wait for her to get back and then when she did, I got a call from one of my friends telling me he thought she was going to break up with me. She later did. The reasoning? One of my friends wanted to date her and she liked him more than me; or perhaps it was because instead of giving/receiving my first kiss the day before she left, I gave her a big bear hug. Nice right?

My first love portrayed herself as a naive girl, but in reality she was quite devious. She would date me for a week then sneak out and hang out with my partner from weightlifting class. Then when she was dating him (consequently broke it off with me), she was sneaking out with me! At one point she called and asked me for a ride from the middle of nowhere... she said she'd been drinking heavily with this guy and things started getting heated. A little frustrating, considering [at least I thought] we were dating at the time. I remember sneaking off from a event my senior year to go take vague pictures of the place we used hang out from an extremely far distance--so far they barely turned out. I wasn't hanging on to the person she was at that time, I was hanging on to those little moments of bliss where it was just her and I and a flip-down screen in the back of my white Chevy Blazer. Our only worry was getting her home before her dad woke up (she snuck out). I remember the mornings/days after I would drop her off at 4:30 am and float home in my '97 Firebird, hitting record speeds on county roads and just feeling very content in my sleep-deprived bliss. It wasn't even from sex, at that point we weren't having it, it was just happiness that someone so beautiful would take a chance on me. She's married with kids now, I know because it's all over my news feed.

One time I shoveled seven inches of snow (multiplied by the area of a parking spot) next to my parking spot with the hopes a particular girl would come over. She did. Things got hot and heavy, then I probably said something stupid over the phone later in the week and she said she wanted to be just friends. I got to watch her flirt with (and take home) several guys from the bar that weekend. Good times.

Once I had my landlord's daughter grab me and make-out with me like she was suffocating and needed every little bit of oxygen out of my lungs. Little did I know, her friend liked me and had informed her of this, so when she walked in on us and freaked out I was so incredibly confused why I was even chasing her down, because I didn't know why she was mad! (why was I the one chasing her again? This I cannot say, I feel as if her friend probably should've done that). I had to borrow contact cases and her room absolutely reeked like cat litter. She said she needed somebody to sleep (actually sleep) with. So... while she slept I stayed awake for the most part and rolled around, again, overwhelmed by the smell, lack of cleanliness and lack of respect (the longer I thought the more I disliked it) for her friend's feelings. My roommate told me this girls parents were fine with her doing whatever in her personal life, so I stayed the night. I felt overwhelmed with strong emotions from them in the kitchen that morning, so I left quickly. We went on one date.

One time I met a girl, did the typical day-by-day relationship. She was very open sexually and told me she didn’t want a relationship and it was okay for both of us to hook up with other people as long as we did it with consideration to the other’s feelings-- don’t make it sloppy or obviously. I looked over the bar fifteen minutes later and she was sloppily obviously sticking her tongue down some guy’s throat and her hands down his pants. I was a little frustrated with this and informed her. So she decided to have sex with one of my friends. Seems logical. Then broke his heart a few weeks later by doing basically the same thing.

One time I met a girl, spent the night with her (not overtly sexual, calm down) and then went to visit her several hours away the next weekend. A little background here: We were kicked out of the Jehovah's Witnesses when I was 9, at which an abrupt stage of the utmost debauchery occurred, which left me with somewhat of a skewed perspective on religion. Anyways, almost went to church with her but ran out of time. Yes, I was willing to step outside the box and revisit the ideals I previously abandoned. The next weekend she came back and I asked if she just wanted to stay with me (I really liked her and wanted to date her). No response. No response til I got to see her later wearing something super scandalous, being very flirtatious with all the guys and then having a rough, frank conversation about what I was in relation to her. She's married now, happily; I know because we're friends on facebook :|. Oh and I might've punched a table at some point and began bleeding all over. That was the last time I put myself through physical pain to try and rid myself of the pain inside (other than tattoos, but lets be honest that's more just artistic therapy).

One time I spent a lot of time with this girl, she was a friend, but I always wanted something more with her. She would joke and flirt and casually tease when we would go out together. One time we went to Denver together for New Years with a few other friends. Turns out she really liked the guy I came with, and when he decided to hook up with this other girl she got really depressed and started crying. Then somehow I began to tear up because here was this girl I'd hung out with for quite a while, who I always got along with really well (and we gave each other a bunch of good-natured shit), crying because she can't be with the guy she wants to be and I was just sitting there... like chopped liver. She later ended up breaking up a marriage by hooking up with this lady's husband while on her period (his wife found the evidence). One night sticks in my memory though... I walked her home like a gentleman, she had been kinda flirting with me all night and we were sitting there watching TV. If you've ever gone in to kiss someone and have them completely pull their lips inside their mouth to avoid it, you've felt my pain. She is now married with a kid, and her husband looks... almost exactly like me. Even her best friend was shocked.

One time I met a girl and passed her a note on a fateful March day just before Spring break. She was amazing, and we hung out quite a bit. She had a boyfriend, but ended up breaking up with him. Naturally she told me she didn’t want another relationship right away so I backed off. Then she was trying to rekindle things with him and sent me a text saying, essentially, that we could never speak again. We continued to see each other, rendezvous in the bedroom were a fairly common occurrence. Then she started giving me rainchecks on hanging out, and ghosting me more and more. I casually started seeing someone but was reluctant to dive in because I already had a preexisting relationship going and i didn’t want to ruin it. We spent a night together and then she left to go hang out with another guy she’d been seeing. I received a text that next day about how they were now dating, he was her “main” and if we wanted to continue seeing each other I would have to meet him and have our love triangle be open. All of the sudden she went from not wanting to date anyone to being in a relationship; this felt all too familiar and it didn’t take much self-deprecation to realize that she just didn’t want to date me. Our relationship died down, but we would still leave little notes around for each other complaining about our significant others. Eventually she broke it off with him, and coincidentally I broke it off with my girlfriend at about the same time. We hooked up, but it wasn’t the same. It was good for her but in the back of my mind I felt reluctant... she had shattered my heart twice before this... should I even entertain the idea of going back? We hooked up several times but I my heart wasn’t in it, and red flags were flying up like gravel on a dirt road so I retreated. Now we hardly talk anymore... and I feel nothing.

My girlfriend during that time was pretty amazing, but from the start she stated that it wasn’t a lasting relationship, and that we weren’t meant to be. I did things she didn’t agree with and that was a huge part of our incompatibility and several fights. Also, her manager who liked her for a long time kissed her several times at a party when we first got together, and she did nothing to stop it--- the source of alot of my distrust in her throughout the relationship. She also lied about planning to hang out with one of her ex’s and her roommate caught her up in that lie in front of me--a further setback in the trust tree. I could see in her eyes that she didn’t want anything serious from me. But I liked her companionship; she always wanted to do things with me and usually went out of her way to hang out with me. We had amazing sex, before and after the breakup because I felt comfortable with her. I felt like she was actually there with me, present in the moment, and she wanted to be there. I fell in love with her, and she said she loved me too. After a while, she stopped saying it. After a while, it became clear that I was the only one in love, and it was one-sided. She didn’t want to be in a relationship for her final semester of college and, since all i wanted was her happiness, in the middle of a deluge of tears i broke it off with her. I didn’t want her to feel trapped and I didn’t want her to despise me because I kept her in a relationship. When i finally broke it off I was miserable. I spent nights and mornings in tears and then one day I told her it felt like I was taking it harder than her. She agreed. She said she needed some space. All I wanted during our relationship is her happiness, and if being with me was causing her to be unhappy, all she had to do was voice her opinion. But she didn’t. She remained by my side, unhappy. But at least she stayed. Eventually the sex died down, and it drove me a little crazy; after you’ve had something so good it’s hard to limit yourself-that’s why we have addicts. We were down to negotiating for sex every week. I essentially had to beg for it, and I didn’t want to live my life that way. I distanced myself further, and about a month later she contacted me basically because she wanted to fuck and that’s it. Oh the irony... and i felt so used. I brought it up, started a big fight and we distanced ourselves again. Lately I’ve been so depressed I keep thinking about all the good times we had, despite the bad times that were the cause of the breakup. The other night I went over there and we hooked up. She was reluctant, but I suddenly felt as if it wasn’t because she was worried about me getting attached, it was something else. Then she left all weekend to go to her hometown and tells me she had a “late night and early morning,” “not with her parents,” and “at a drive-in.” So naturally I assumed its with a guy she’s interested in and... for some reason that cuts through me like a hot knife through butter. I guess I always liked that adage of “if you love someone set them free, if they return they were always yours; if not, they never were,” and its starting to feel like she never was, like none of them ever were. In fact, that adage is being falsified more and more by the day. She said she didn’t make out or anything (and I believe her) but the fact of the matter is making out and sex would be the least of my worries. Let me put it this way: If you were married (not like we’re even in a relationship but stick with me here), would you be more perturbed to know your significant other had meaningless sex with someone or stayed up all night talking and cuddling with them? Well either way my prying nature and soft-accusations pushed her to the point of not talking to me again. We were supposed to hang out today (sunday) but she decided to take another trip to her hometown at the last minute, which further attributes to my paranoid delusion that she’s seeing someone. And I really have no right to be angry or paranoid; god knows I’ve hooked up with way more girls since we broke up than she has guys (at least I think so... I have no clue anymore).

Okay I have to skip a few until I have more time, so I'll tell you about the most recent.

One time I was falling for this girl. She had everything I dreamed about in a girl, but she was reluctant because we were at different places in our life. Instead of just chilling out, taking it one day at a time like I've done with the majority of my relationships, I decide I want more. Naturally, the cyclical motion of my thought is enough to drive anyone insane, myself included, so at the end of the night she turned her back and walked away from me. I knew in that moment it would never be the same. I was having trouble because when I want to be with someone, I don't want to be single. If I know what i want then why would I want any other options available? I'm not going to lie, I talk to(and hang out with) some pretty good looking girls. But that's not what it's about, I rarely even ask for a girls name after we dance because I don't come there to pick up girls. I come there to have fun. I didn't intend on realizing how amazing she was after we started to hang out. Anyways we basically stopped talking all week, but I get this crazy idea to get a potted plant, get a stake with her initials (made from reflective mailbox letters that I drilled holes into, put all this work and planning and effort into making her morning special... and she didn't even see it. I thought she was just playing dumb, but when I tipped the dj to play the song I had included on a note (with a link to a youtube video) and her eye's didn't light up I kinda figured something was up. And now she's pulled back to just friends. But I feel this incredible pull to be in a relationship right now... with somebody. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I've been alone in relationships before (no, not self-love, just the only person in it), and I just want something [somewhat] normal for once. Being able to hold a girl's hand and kiss her in public, or tell my friends "this is my girlfriend ....," not "This is ..., she's my kinda sorta... pseudo... friend with benefits but without benefits." But now I feel myself at a crossroads: go on as friends, get to know her better even though our schedules are both crazy, and that will limit my time to date or see other people. Again, not that I would want to or actually find someone I want to be with, but if I have someone that is really interested, and they want to hang out quite a bit and do crazy things and go visit my mom and sister.... I feel as if our friendship would slip through the cracks. She says if she tries to actively pursue a friendship and they blow her off she has no problem walking away. Well what happens if I find somebody? What then? She just walks away, wondering if it was the right decision, as I go on doing the same thing? It's not fair.

We've both been in really shitty relationships and now that we have a chance to be in one we are limited by a fucking number. I always knew it would come back to math. Or maybe its just that I... need to accept my fate as a lone wolf and give up on all these romantic shenanigans. But there's a part of me that loves it... loves it so much that I can't give it up. But there aren't many people out there that complain about getting spoiled with surprises on a regular basis....

There are quite a few more instances, and I'll keep adding when I remember. If you really want to get to know me, read what I write. Somewhere in the ramblings you may find some sort of cogency, but if not I'll give you a tiny tidbit today: I'm the guy who knows when another guy is interested in a girl that is showing interest in me (this other guy could hardly even be considered a friend to me, it doesn't matter) and so I'll (typically) back off and give them a chance. One would think, that with the amount of time I spend thinking about being considerate to others I would have a lot of really loyal friends. In reality, I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends.

Sweet dreams, it's officially 4:11 am.

I can't. I can't fucking do it. Blame my prescription, it's not. It's my smile, it's stopped.

I can't fucking sleep and I can't fucking see,

Eyes red and they pulse with my heart beat.

Stop it, it's not me, put that plastic smile on and just agree,

be heard and not seen

or seen and not heard

fuck that's what I mean.

All I've ever wanted for any girl I'm with is to give them the world with a smile. The thing about that is people get paranoid about free shit, and salesmen always smile right until the don't ask for consent to pile-drive you. I guess they don't get it. I don't want to fight, I just want somebody to give the world to... I don't want anything else. I guess I'm one of the few individuals anymore that has spent the majority of his life wanting to have a family some day. I want to be the dad that my father never was. It's not glamorous, I know what parenting is all about I watched my sister raise my nephew for many years. Glamour is not being covered with a mixture of vomit and snot at 4 am when you have work at six. But consider the alternative: Is loneliness happiness? Sure I am free to stay out as late as I want, take bong hits of crack bowls or worship satan in my little basement apartment (not that I do either of those things, and you probably shouldn't either, let's be real homie. Can I call you homie?) but at the end of the day you have kids that will hate you most of the time, but if you do a good job, will love you forever. My mom is my best friend because she knows how to listen to my circular logic. And although she is compelled to listen because we are related by blood and she is a virtuous mother, she's always been there, she never left, at least, not recently. Same with my sister. She's my other best friend. We joke about being... whew... we joke about being together forever because we both tend to have relationship problems. Together forever, with our cats and our plants, just two crazy old siblings. We both give give give give give and are too timid to even ask to take. So when someone comes along and actually gives we are so incredibly amazed that we jump on it. What happens when a cat pounces on a mouse? A morbid analogy occurs, but more importantly the mouse typically runs. Instinct is fight or flight when you're being chased and backed into corners. I don't blame them at all, but the real key to emotional survival is self-deprecation. If you don't think you deserve to have it, it opens up even more of a possibility for a big payout, and much less of a chance of... well... the tears welling like they are now.

So many songs come to mind when you fall in and out of love. Any other time... they are just notes. When you're in love, songs interpolate you. They're written for you. Or at least parts of them.

okay.. 445. I've officially been up for 24.25 hours now. To think 24 hours ago I was leaving a flower that wouldn't have any effect-we'll call it a placebo effect-it works if I believe it works.

I keep losing a bit of trust in people. I guess that's why people are so bitter when they're super old... they've seen the evil in humanity grow for years and years. Can you imagine? When the worst thing you have to worry about is greasers with funny hairdos and switchblades to now, people carrying a fucking shotgun and handguns into a movie theater and shooting the fuck out of innocent people. Seriously bro? And I love guns, don't get me wrong. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Go ahead, put a gun on your couch. Anything happening yet? Is it plotting an assassination? No you moron its a fucking conglomeration of metal and a mixture of modern and ancient chemistry. People are fucked up what do you want me to say? It's not like a bunch of guns are hanging out in the middle east shooting people. There are fingers pulling those triggers with minds behind them. They may be really clean minds (brainwashed, get it? :)), but they are controlling the appendages that control the chemical reaction that fires the bullet towards the person. You don't blame the acid for melting somebody's face, you blame the fucking person that threw the acid! People are ridiculous. What was I ranting about again?

Right right... anyways... its almost 5. Roommate isn't home but it doesn't matter...

Alright if I have any hope of passing this semester I'd better get some sleep.

Sweet dreams... whoever you are.

Axel

______________________________________

“Updated Losses.”

I left another flower with a link to a video (which I thought) was centered more on a casual relationship and just hoping she’s happy. This time I realized that if anything, I hoped to at least hold on to the friendship between this girl and I. I don’t think she wants anything to do with me anymore and it kills me. It kills me because I can’t even talk to her anymore, I can’t even be her friend or invite her to breakfast without her thinking I have some ulterior motive, or worrying that I will get attached when she doesn’t want that kind of thing with me. I can’t goof around and send her a stupid joke or be a sarcastic asshole (in a funny way, not typically mean) because she won’t even respond and that will likely push her further. That Zac Brown song, “As she’s walking away” keeps ringing through my head. All the things I wish I could’ve done, all the feelings I wish I could’ve held back... so many regrets. But the worst of all is I don’t even get to be around her. I’m not privileged enough to see her smile because I had to be greedy and go for all or nothing. Right now I would prefer anything... it is really hard to walk away from someone I feel/felt so strongly for. But with a heavy heart and an occasional tear, I have to back off and (potentially) say goodbye forever.

The older I get the more I realize how much I overthink things. But the older I get the more I realize that I need to overthink them more before I open my mouth to change them. I’m stuck between wanting to scream out my feelings and knowing that if I do so, everything will dissolve, even further than it’s already gone. Because once you contaminate a petri dish, there’s no going back to sterile agar.

The most excruciating torture is not in crimes of war, but crimes of love. The pain of having a million things to tell someone and knowing they won’t even listen to one often feels worse than being drawn-and-quartered by a billion snails, pulling you apart from every angle.

I’ve made my bed and now I must sleep in it.

Casa Nova may have guests, but ultimately he sleeps alone.

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