#and we kept it going for like a solid 20 minutes. it was incredibly stupid

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

the longer I spend on my improv content kick the more I realize how much I've sorta been doing impromptu casual improv for a long time without realizing that's what it was

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[sunnydaisy1]

Just a Cold

MARK SLOAN X READER

REQUEST: Could you do one for when Mark is the reader is sick, but is doing everything to not have him notice. Then ends up getting worse. Sorry hope this makes sense lol :)- Anonymous

A/N: I loved this request sooo much! I wasn’t sure whether you wanted Mark and the reader to be in a relationship or not so I kinda did it like they might be but it could also be just flirting idk? I hope I wrote it okay and that you enjoy it :)

*WHY ISNT THERE A CONCERNED MARK GIF WHERE HE ISNT CRYING URGH*

I blinked my eyes open as sun shot through the blinds into my room, glaring across the white and grey walls. I groaned and rolled over, covering my face with a pillow as i slammed the alarm clock off. A vicious cough ripped through me and I winced, my chest contracting and sharp pains running through my head. It was my own fault really, i had gotten off work a little earlier than usual and decided to go for a walk while it was still light out. My downfall really was when I had decided against bringing a coat, instead trusting the stupid jumper I was wearing to keep me warm. The weather had looked nice enough to begin with but after 20 minutes the sky had decided to chuck buckets of water down on me and I was drenched, resulting in the now painful cold I had given myself. I opened my eyes again and looked at the clock, trying to turn the minutes back to give me more sleep. When this failed, I rolled out of my fluffy, lucious cloud of a bed and walked to the bathroom, hoping a warm shower would wake me up and heal my blocked sinuses. I rubbed my eyes as I stepped into the tiled room, looking at the mirror. My reflection wasn't too bad although I could see my eyes were a little puffy and my nose was sporting a tinge of flaring red. Sighing, I turned the shower on and undressed, pulling my hair up into a bun and stepping into the relaxing steamy fumes. When I had finished getting ready and had grabbed a breakfast bar that would end up ignored in my locker, I trudged out the door, locking it behind me and starting the 10 minute walk to the hospital. I really hoped I would have time to grab some medicine before rounds but I doubted it, seeing as I had spent way too long dying in the shower. A strong breeze ripped past me and I shuddered, pulling my coat closer to me and trying to hold down the scratching cough at the back of my throat. I soon arrived at the hospital doors and gladly went inside, thankful for the shelter against the weather. I walked slowly to the residents' locker room, smiling at a few nurses as they walked past. The room was bustling with noise as I entered and a few people called out my name but I just smiled, making my way over to my locker next to Alex. He turned to face me once he saw me coming over and chuckled at my pained expression. "You look like crap." He said as I stripped off my jacket and jumper, pulling my scrubs over the long sleeved shirt I thankfully wore. "Thanks so much Karev." I hissed, now pulling off my trousers and yanking on the rougher blue scrub ones. "No worries Y/N." He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes, sitting down next to him. The locker room seemed to be getting louder by the second and I shut my eyes, trying to block out the dull pain in my head. I stayed like that for a few minutes until I felt Alex nudge me, "Come on don't want the interns slacking off." I nodded and groaned, standing up. We walked side by side until we reached the nurse's station and he went off to torment his group of suck ups. I gathered the folders with patient info and dragged myself over to my 4 interns who stared at me. "What are you waiting for?" I said harshly and they scampered, heading off to the first patient's room as I followed behind. I wasn't usually that harsh with the interns but I was strict and they behaved well, eager to learn. I tried my best to educate them but sometimes they really got on my nerves. Once we made our way into the first patient's room, the interns lined up by the door while I walked to the bed. "Goodmorning Mr Davis, how are you doing today?" I asked softly, trying to hide my running nose. "Alright, hurts a little but it's getting better." I nodded and looked over to one of my interns, "Johnson?" At once the intern started pratlling on about Mr Davis' case and I nodded along, half listening to him, half trying not to close my eyes. He stopped talking fairly quickly and I nodded, "well done, we need hourly checkups on Mr Davis' vitals for the next few days but you should be ready to go home in a few days." I directed the last part at the patient who nodded and smiled. I walked out the room and passed the interns out the patient folders. The next patient was Mrs Walker who had recently had a rhinoplasty to fix her incredibly wonky broken nose from falling off a ladder while painting her house. It had been a simple case but there were complications in the OR and she was now under careful watch. I noticed Mark standing in the corner of the room and I winced, hoping he would ignore me. I walked to the corner of the room by the door and stood a little away from the patient, listening drowsily to the interns. "Morning Y/N." A voice behind me whispered and my heart picked up pace when I recognised Mark's flirty tone. "Sloan." I said curtly, trying to disguise my illness because I know he would make a big deal out of it and really it was nothing. "Ouch, what's got your panties in a twist today?" Mark teased, easily letting the dirty words roll off his tongue. "Nothing." I retorted, not daring to look Mark in the eye. I could feel the warmth of his body behind me and I wanted so desperately to reach out and let his comforting hold engulf me but I couldn't, not wanting him to make a big deal. "If you say so missy." He replied, whispering close to my ear. Despite my cold, I could feel heat rush through my body at Mark's seductive words. Normally I could retort with a witty remark but today the only thing my brain could focus on was the increasing ache in my bones. "Mark if you have finished flirting with Dr L/N, we have other patients to attend to." Derek called out, and I blushed, not even realising he had come into the room. "See you later L/N." Mark said as he left the room, leaving me wanting his heat back. The rest of rounds passed by incredibly slow and I now sat in the locker room again, trying to catch up on forms and paperwork that needed filling out. I had turned most of the lights off so the room was darker and was nursing a warm coffee in my hands. The soothing silence was helping to ease the growing ache in my head but the incessant coughing wasn't letting up. Suddenly, my pager started beeping and I groaned, putting my hot drink down and speed walking to Bailey. I was almost in the patient's room when I spotted Mark coming out of another room a few doors down and I quickly leaped into a supply closet before he could see me. I really loved Mark but he didn't need to see me when I was all runny nosed and coughing like a diseased hag. I waited 20 seconds, counting in my head before opening the door again and checking the coast was clear. It was so I walked out and over to Bailey's patient's room where she stood, talking to him about his upcoming surgery. She shot me daggers when I entered the room and I mouthed a sorry before explaining to Mr Morrison the risks. At lunchtime, I had just finished with a code blue, hoping to head to a dark, quiet space away from distractions. I was just stepping around a corner when I bumped into a solid chest, immediately apologising before looking up to see who it was. "Oh, Mark." I said, scanning the area to look for a way out and avoiding his gorgeous eyes. "Sorry about that Y/N, seems I have a knack for bumping into pretty women going for their lunch." I nodded absent-mindedly, trying to get away. "Right yeah urm I need to go." I said, going to walk past Mark but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Woah woah woah what's the matter?" He asked, instantly concerned at my dismissal of his flirting. "Nothing." I said and he shook his head, bending his head down to meet my averting gaze. "You said that earlier." Mark continued, both hands now on my arms as he kept me still. "mm." I hummed, staring at the wall behind Mark. "You sure you're okay, you look a bit like your going to throw up." He said, concern lacing his voice. "No Im fine." I said, smiling weakly before scooting off down the halls leaving a worried plastic surgeon behind. For the rest of the afternoon, I sat on the bottom floor filling out charts. My headache and coughs had been getting progressively worse to the point where I could barely move due to my body aching so much. Luckily I wasn't in any surgeries today and Bailey hadn't been so much on my heels today although Mark had paged me a few times to the Attending room which I ignored. He had spotted me earlier after Mer had wanted me in the research room but I had run down the halls back here before he could catch me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sought me out. I was almost done filling out the last chart when the door swung open and a familiar head of peppered hair came through the doors. I cringed inwardly and tried to make myslef as small as possible in the gap between the two hospital beds. I waited, trying to control my laboured breathing as he walked nearer, calling out my name. I closed my eyes shut as he closed in on my position. "Y/N?" Mark asked as he spotted my feet poking out from between the two beds. I winced at his voice and he ducked down, crouching in front of me and placing a hand on each of my bent knees. "Y/N?" He asked again and I opened my eyes. He sucked in a breath and immediately tried to bring me closer to him but I groaned. "No please Mark it hurts." I whispered, my voice just a croak. "Jesus Y/N you look like a ghost." Mark said, his face serious and eyes kind. I tried to smile but I couldn't manage, my head flaring up with every movement. Mark gathered the charts I had lying around me and placed them on the nearby bed before squatting back down. "Hey let's get you out of here." He softly said, but I shook my head, sniffling and wincing at the ache. "Come on, I'll help you." He continued, placing a hand on my warm cheek. I looked into his eyes and gave in, nodding slightly. Mark wrapped an arm around my waist and put another on my hip as he helped lift me up, careful to not be to rough. "That's it." He softly spoke, my hands resting on his upper arms for support. As soon as I was standing he brought me into his chest, resting his head on top of mine and stroking my back softly. I closed my eyes and breathed in his comforting scent, relaxing into the warmth. I felt Mark's hand smooth my hair and kiss the top of my head before he whispered, "Why didn't you tell me you were ill?" He stepped back slightly but still held me close, looking into my eyes. "I didn't want to bother you, it's not that bad." I replied, slightly shaky. "Y/N..." Mark said, brushing my hair behind my ear and cupping my face. "What bother's me is not knowing your ill and not being able to help." He said, bringing me back into his arms. "Im sorry." I said, nuzzling into his neck. "It's okay, let's get you into bed." Mark replied, kissing my forehead. Mark had ended up persuading me to go to his house, and I was currently stood in his bathroom, a towel wrapped around me. The steam from the hot shower had freed up my nose a little but the throbbing in my head hadn't let up yet. I walked into Mark's bedroom, rubbing my eyes. "Hey." Mark smirked, making me open my eyes to see his stupid self standing there with a cheeky grin as his eyes ran up and down my body. "My eyes are up here." I said quietly, making him chuckle and a small smile come across my face. "You know I think my towel on you is my new favourite look of yours." Mark said as he watched me walk across the carpeted floor to him. I narrowed my eyes at him and sniffled, holding onto the white fluffy towel that just surpassed my bum tightly. "If I wasn't so ill right now Sloan, I'd punch that pretty little grin off of your face." I hissed, taking the sweatpants and tshirt out of his hands. "Oh so you think I'm pretty then?" Mark teased, eyes still wandering. "Piss off." I said, watching Mark as he smirked wider and I headed into the bathroom again, closing the door. When I had managed to pull the black tshirt on, I looked at the sweatpants and groaned, resenting having to struggle into another item of huge clothing. It was worse than putting leggings on after swimming. I had panties on and Mark's tshirt came down to my mid thigh so I unlocked the door, hoping Mark had a pair of shorts I could wear. As soon as I stepped out, Mark sat up on the bed, eyes raking my body yet again. "Jeez Y/N you think you were trying to kill a man." He said as I walked towards him, cradeling the sweatpants. I was exhausted and couldn't think of any remark so just stuck my hands out, extending the sweatpants to Mark. "I'm too tired to put them on." I said quietly before a violent cough coursed through my body. "Okay come here." Mark said and sat me down on the bed, taking the sweatpants. I expected him to walk off to get some shorts but he crouched down in front of me and lifted my ankle into the cuff of the sweatpants. I blushed and muttered, "thanks." Mark just grinned and winked cheekily, making my face flush even more. He brought the sweatpants to my knees before asking me to stand up which I did. He went to take them up further and started lifting the tshirt before I grabbed his hands. "I think I can do the rest." I said softly, rolling my eyes at Mark's constant dirty flirting. "Worth a try." He remarked, brushing the hair out my face. Once I had gotten the sweatpants on and had gulped down 2 glasses of water and some medicine, I walked back from the hallway to Mark's room, seeing him lying in the bed with his pyjamas on. I yawned and smiled sleepily. "Gonna come join me missy?" He asked, flicking the duvet off to reveal his tartan clad legs and comfy bed. I nodded, dragging myself to the other side of the bed and climbing in before resting next to Mark. He chuckled and lifted me slightly, laying my head down on his chest and wrapping my arm around his waist while he hugged mine. I sighed contently and snuggled into his warming body, letting waves of sleepiness wash over me, lulling me to sleep. Mark turned the bedside light off and kissed the top of my head, whispering, "Night love." I smiled and closed my eyes, drifting off. 

[st-just]

Barely coherent rambling about nation-states, culture, the Hapsburgs, and Canada

Because why have a blog except to occasionally purge one of the essays floating around half-formed in your brain. To be clear, it’s still half-formed, just on tumblr now. 1,666 words, here’s the Deveraux essay mentioned. Book is Martyn Rady’s The Hapsburgs: To Rule The World

So I’ve had like, nationalism on my mind recently.

And so there’s a kind of recurring beat in left-of-centre American political discourse (like, not ‘internet rnados screaming at each other’ discourse, ‘people with doctorates or think tank positions having debates on podcasts or exchanging op eds’ discourse) where you have some people on the radical end list some of the various horrible atrocities the country is built on, the ways that all the national myths are lies, and how all the saints of the civic religion were monsters to one degree or another – this can come in a flavor of either righteous anger or, like, intellectual sport. And then on the other end you have the, well, Matt Yglesiases of the world. Who don’t really argue any of the points of fact, but do kind of roll their eyes at the whole exercise and say that sure, but Mom and Apple Pie and the American Way are still popular, and if you’re trying to win power in a democracy telling the majority of the population that their most cherished beliefs are both stupid and evil isn’t a great move.

Anyway, a couple weeks back Deveraux posted an essay for the 4th of July (which I don’t totally buy, but is an interesting read) about why the reason American nationalism is so intensely bundled up into a couple pieces of paper and maybe a dozen personalities is precisely because it isn’t a nation at all. Basically, his thesis is that in proper nation-states like England or the Netherlands or wherever, there really is a core population that is the overwhelming demographic majority and really have lived in more or less the same places since time immemorial, and that once the enthographers and mythologists finish their work, all those people really do identify with both the same nation and the same state as its expression. America, by contrast, is by virtue of being a settler nation whose citizenry was filled by waves of immigrants from all the ass ends of Eurasia in a historical eyeblink, even before you add in the native population and descendants of slaves lacks any single core ethnicity that is anywhere close to a majority, as well as any organic national traditions or claims to an ‘ancestral homeland’ that aren’t obviously absurd (and we are trying to include the descendents of slaves and the native population these days, to varying levels of success). All this to say that his point is America is a civic state, not a national one, with the identity of ‘American’ being divorced from ethnicity and instead tied to things like the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the whole cult around the Founding Fathers, Lincoln, and [FDR and/or Reagan depending on your politics].

Which, like I said, don’t totally buy, but interesting. (to a degree he overstates how homogenus ‘actual’ nation-states are, he makes America sound very special but if his analysis holds that it’d presumably also apply to several other former settler colonies, in the American context there’s a fairly solid case to be made that the whole ‘nation of immigrants’ story and the racial identity of whiteness were constructed to function as an erratz national ethnicity, with incredible success, etc, etc).

But anyway, if we accept that the American identity is bound up in its civic religion and the mythologized version of its political history, it’s absolutely the case that there’s several segments of the left who take incredibly joy in tearing said civic religion and national mythology apart and dragging whatever’s left through the mud. I mean, hell, I do! (reminder: any politician whose ever had a statue dedicated to them was probably a monster). And, well, call it a greater awareness of historical crimes and injustice, or the postmodern disdain for idols and systems leaking out through the increasingly college-educated populace, or the liquid acid of modernity dissolving away all unchosen identities, or a Marxist cabal undermining the national spirit to pave the way for the Revolution or whatever you like, but in whichever case, that critical discourse is certainly much more prominent and influential among left and liberal media and politics types that is was in decades past.

And, okay, so I finished Martyn Rady’s The Hapsburgs a few days ago. And I mentioned as I was reading it that the chapters on the 19th and 20th centuries reminded me quite a bit of courses I’d taken in school on the late Ottoman Empire and Soviet Union. Because all three are multi/non-national states (Empires, in Deveraux’s terminology, though that’s varying degrees of questionable for each, I think. Moreso for the Hapsburgs than the rest) who outlasted their own ideological legitimacy. And in all three cases it just, well, it didn’t not matter, but even as all the ceremonies got more absurd and farcical  and the politics more consumed by inertia punctuated with crises, things kept limping along just fine for decades. Even in the face of intense crisis, dissolution wasn’t inevitable. (The Ottomans are a less central example here, admittedly, precisely because of the late attempt to recenter the empire on Turkish nationalism. But even then, more Arab soldiers fought for the Sultan-Caliph than ever did for the Hashemites, and most prewar Arab nationalism was either purely cultural or imagined the Empire reformed into a binational federation, not dissolved).

But as Rady says in the book – losing WW1 crippled Germany, it dissolved Austria-Hungary. And in all three cases, as soon as they were gone, the idea of bringing them back instantly became at least a bit absurd.

And okay, to now pivot to talking about where I actually live but about whose politics I (shamefully) know significantly less than America’s. I mean, maybe it’s because most of my history education from public school was given by either pinko commies or liberals still high off ‘90s one-world universalism, or maybe it’s just a matter of social class, but I really can’t remember ever having taken the whole wannabe civic religion of Canada seriously (the only even serious attempt at sacredness I recall was for Remembrance Day). Even today, the main things I remember about our Founding Father is that he was an alcoholic who lost power in a railroad corruption scandal.

Really, in all my experience the only unifying threads of national/particular Canadian identity are a flag, a healthcare system, those Canadian Heritage Minute propaganda ads, a bill of rights from the ‘60s, and an overpowering sense of polite smugness towards the States.

And that last one (or, at least, the generally rose-colored ‘Canada is the good one’ view of history) is taking something of a beating, on account of all the mass graves really rubbing the public’s noses in the whole genocide thing. At least among big segments of the intellectual and activist classes, most of the symbols of Canadian nationhood are necessarily becoming illegitimate as Canada is, in fact, a project of genocidal settle colonialism.

But it really is just purely symbolic. Most of the municipalities who cancelled their Canada Day celebrations are going to elect Liberal MPs and help give our Natural Governing Party its majority in the next election, no one of any significance has actually challenged the authority of the civil service or the courts. And, frankly, most of the people who are loudly skeptical of all the symbols of the nations are also the ones whose political projects most heavily rely on an efficient and powerful state bureaucracy to carry out.

(This is leaving aside Quebec, which very much does have a live national identity insofar as the vigorous protection of national symbols is what wins provincial elections. If I felt like doing research and/or reaching more there’s probably something there on how pro-independence sentiment has largely simmered down at a pace with the decline of attempts to impose a national Canadian identity).

I mean, Canada does have rather more of a base for a ‘national’ population core than the US (especially if you’re generous and count the people who mark French on the census as a core population as well). At the same time, no one really expects this to continue to be the case – even back in Junior High, I remember one of the hand outs we got explaining that due to declining fertility most or all future population growth would come from immigration (I remember being confused when my mother was weirdly uncomfortable with the idea when it came up). I suppose our government gets credit for managing public opinion such that anti-immigration backlash hasn’t taken over the political conversation. Which you’d think would be a low bar but, well.

But anyway, to try and begin wrapping this rambling mess up – it does rather feel like Rady’s portrayal of the late Hapsburg empire might have a few passing similarities to the future of Canada. A multinational state whose constitution and political system and built on foundations and legitimized by history that no one actually believes in anymore, or at least no more than they have to pretend to to justify the positions they hold, but persisting because it’s convenient and it’s there and any alternatives are really only going to seem practical after a complete economic collapse or apocalyptic war. (Though our civil service is a Josephist’s dream by comparison, really.)

Or maybe I’m premature, and the dominant culture will just be incredibly effective at assimilating immigrants into that civic identity. Anecdotally, the only people I know who are at all enthusiastic about Canada as an idea are first generation immigrants. I could certainly just be projecting, really – I’ve never really been able to get all that invested in the nation-state as an idea of more moral power than ‘a convenient administrative division of humanity’, and certainly liberating ourselves form the need to defend the past would certainly rectifying certain injustices easier.  

Or maybe I’m just being incredibly optimistic. Half the economy’s resource extraction and the other half’s real estate, so decent odds the entire place just literally goes up in flames over the next few decades. BC’s already well on its way.

[eternvlblyss]

i never knew why i hesitated counting it as my “first time” and now it’s so clear why...

tw//sexual assault

“no” means “no,” but so does...

i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. i feel like since this pandemic happened, it’s allowed me to think a lot about my past, what i’ve been through, what i’ve achieved, and what broke me, because like, what else am i gonna do throughout my days lol 

so while i was scrolling through twitter late at night one time, i stumbled upon a thread, which i linked above. this person listed other phrases that also meant “no.” their intention with that was to bring awareness to what consent is and what the difference is between a solid “yes” and an unsure “yes.” for the longest time, i always thought when i had my supposed “first time,” it was my fault it happened and it was “consensual” because i didn’t exactly say “no.”

i remember vividly how it went, how i felt and what i said. it was nothing at all how i wanted my “first time” to be. i really blamed myself a lot for it and regretted it immediately after it happened. he was my coworker and for a while, i had this crush on him, but i never acted on it because we worked together. i didn’t want to make anything uncomfortable for me or him, so i never tried to pursue anything. he initiated everything; conversations, texting, and me having a crush on him, i went along with everything. he messaged me one day and sent me pics of cookie dough that he bought from the store, because at work, i would always tell him that i love to bake and cookies were my favorite dessert. he asked if i wanted to bake them together, of course i immediately said yes and went over. i was 20 at the time. i was young and i’m a late bloomer. i never had guys reach out to me first ever, so any attention that i got from a guy, i melted and fell head over heels for them. THAT, i learned to get over. men ain’t sh*t.

i literally didn’t think anything would come out of this, even though i had a slight crush on him. like i said, i didn’t want to make things complicated at work. so i went over to his house to bake cookies and hung out with him as friends, that was all i wanted to do. he even had one of his friends over and so i was just excited to chill, rather than be stuck at home alone studying for a quiz i had the next day. we baked the cookies and we were having such a great time. i even remember thinking that the way we were making a mess and having fun in the kitchen was similar to how it went in romcom movies. god was i so naive :/ 

so after we finished baking, we drank a little, smoked weed for a bit, as college students would, and i planned to sober up before i drove home. we talked for a while, but then he had to go and drop his friend off back to his place. that’s where i should’ve gotten up and said, “ok well i’ll just go home now too.” before i could even say anything, he told me, “can you wait here? i’ll be back in a few minutes it’ll be quick.” me, being so afraid to say “no” because i had this small crush on him, said “yes” and waited at his house all by myself.

there were so many moments where i knew i should’ve just gotten up and left the house. i wasn’t sober enough to drive and i think that’s why i didn’t leave, but i also had the option to text my best friends to come and pick me up, and i really, really wish i had done that ): i kick myself over it every time i think about it. the rest of the night was just not it. i never once said “yes” to wanting to do whatever he wanted. i wasn’t dressed in a way that people could argue and say that i gave off the wrong idea to him, because i was wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a jacket over the long sleeve. the only fault i kept thinking about was that i didn’t say “no.”

what also made me think this was wrong was that, the condom had broke once, i told him to “stop” and that i was tired, but he kept asking and begging to keep going. i had told him to “stop” even before that, and yet, he didn’t listen to me. that’s when i gave up trying to say “no,” and i just said “fine.” i wanted to write this because the exact words i had said to him that night while it was happening were in that thread: “stop,” “maybe another time,” “i don’t want to do this anymore,” “i don’t think so,” and “not right now.”

i’m such a “yes” girl in general, and if i really wanted to do something, i will say “yes.” with something i don’t want to do, i can never get myself to fully say “no.” i’ll say things like those phrases, and it would insinuate that i don’t really want to do it. i know that can get me into trouble though so i do need to work on being more assertive and learn how to say “no.”

after it happened, i didn’t feel okay, i felt kind of empty and disappointed in myself. i clearly remember trying to rush out of his house, but he kept asking me to stay. i made up such a stupid excuse of saying “oh i gotta go study for my quiz,” when it was freakin 4am. i got into my car and i felt so ashamed of myself because that’s not at ALL what i expected to happen and the way it happened wasn’t who i am. i really felt like i was lost or i just wasn’t the same girl anymore, and that made me incredibly sad. i just wanted to bake cookies with my crush and instead, that happened. i thought he would get the hint, but i kept telling myself, “you didn’t say no alyssa, so how is he supposed to know you didn’t want to do that.” but like )’: i felt so empty.

it didn’t feel right to me at all, and at the time, i just never knew why it didn’t feel right. when i told my friends and cousins about it, the first thing they asked me was if it was consensual. i remember clearly how i answered and i knew i hesitated, but i told them "yes” it was, because i mean, i really didn’t say “no.” i thought that was the only reason why what had happened, qualified as me giving my consent. with my best friends, i was so scared of them asking me why didn’t i just say “no” if i didn’t want that to happen, because my answer would’ve been, “i was too afraid to.” i thought that wasn’t a good enough answer. i didn’t want them or anyone to be mad at me for being afraid to say “no,”  because if i had just said “no,” none of that would have happened right? it just felt like that was all society needed to know in order to consider it as sexual assault or not. i blocked that night out of my mind, brainwashed myself to think it was consensual, and that was my “first time.”

just last year, i finally stopped blaming myself for what happened because of others who came forward with their stories. i read similar stories to mine, and all this time, i thought me acting and feeling this way over something i conditioned myself to think was “consensual,” was stupid of me. i didn’t think i had the right to even feel like i was violated that night because social media made me believe that i was in the wrong when i didn’t fully and exactly say “no.” i thought no one was gonna be on my side or empathize with me because i didn’t say “no,” so there was no point in me feeling empty about it after all these years. but i now know that i shouldn’t feel like it was my fault. i knew there was a reason why i could never bring myself to talk about my “first time” so casually, and why i cringed at the memory of it. it was because i did not give my consent for it to happen and even when i tried saying “maybe another time” or “not right now” or even “stop,” he still didn’t listen to that. 

i’ve learned that there are people out there who are like me and struggle with saying "no,” especially in a situation like that. so if something similar happened to you, please understand that you are not in the wrong and it is not your fault. if you struggle with saying “no,” and haven’t given a solid “yes,” then you did not give your consent. people who cross that line and disregard it are perpetrators and they are in the wrong for not sensing that someone is uncomfortable. 

for years i kept thinking to myself “it was consensual because i didn’t tell him no, right?” but after seeing so many others experience the same situation as me, it’s clear now that i really tried to say “no” to him in ways that i was comfortable with. consent is so important. if it is not a solid “yes” then it is a “no.” “no” and any of those phrases in the thread does not mean try and coerce someone to change their mind or wear them down to the point where they feel like they have to say “yes,” it doesn’t work like that. consent is not negotiable.

[xdsockmonkey]

The Best I’ve Been in A While

Pairing: Aziraphale x Reader (could be platonic or romantic), Crowley

Word Count: 1,653

Warnings: Mentions of a breakup, hurt comfort

Summary: Reader gets broken up with, Aziraphale helps

Notes: *I tried to make everything as gender-neutral as possible* This is based on @thependragonwritersguild​ prompt #11596 for @daryls-crossbow-carols-boots​ who asked for someone to write an Aziraphale fic and I finally got an idea

You had recently moved to London… well, not that recently. You had moved here over a year ago, got a relatively good job and two solid friends, but you still felt like something was missing. You had gotten a black kitten to keep you company—you loved Butters (the name was part of the reason you fell in love with her) but there was still something missing. Today was Saturday and you were fulfilling your tradition of going on a random adventure one day out of the week. Today you were wandering some streets you had never paid much attention to while sipping some coffee. So far you had discovered two pet stores, a donut shop, a pizza shop and a Christmas store. As you were walking down the street, looking at the colorful shops you were passing, you accidentally bumped shoulders with a stranger.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” you exclaimed. As your head turned to look at the stranger, you first noticed his dark sunglasses. But for a split second you could see behind them and you could see bright yellow-orange eyes. The stranger pauses for a second and stands up straight.

“No worries,” he quietly says, before walking away. As you continued to wander around you kept thinking about that man. He intrigued you and you felt an immediate urge to want to be his friend. Later that day, when you were home curled up on your bed with your cat you suddenly got a text.

“We scheduled too many people for tomorrow, you can have the day off,” your manager sent. Not putting too much thought into it, you turned off your alarms and decided to watch some TV while falling asleep.

When you awoke the next morning, you instantly thought of the man with the yellow eyes. Throughout the morning you continued to feel the strong urge to go back to the streets you wandered less than 24 hours ago. You ate a quick breakfast while watching TV then changed into some casual clothes. Once you felt ready to face the world, you grabbed your phone and earbuds and listened to some of your favorite music as you walked to the streets you wandered the day before. As you were nearing a corner, something made you stop—some kind of feeling, similar to daja vu. It made you feel as though you were walking toward something greater. Your feet began to move forward again, and before you knew what you were doing, you had entered a shop. The atmosphere of the building immediately brought you a sense of peace and you just knew you were in a book shop. It was incredibly quiet but some soft squeaks of old stairs told you someone was here.

“Hello?” asked a sweet voice. Instinctively, you stopped all movement and suddenly felt very out of place. Feeling unsure of yourself, you decided to turn around and exit the bookshop. Right as your hand touched the handle the stranger said “You don’t have to leave… if you don’t want to that is.” Something about the way he spoke made you take your hand off the door handle and turn around. What you didn’t know was that this day was the start of the best year of your life.

You began to hang out at the bookshop more. You learned that Aziraphale was the name of the man who ran the shop and that Crowley was the name of his friend (the man with the sunglasses that you had accidentally ran into). About six months after meeting them they told you they were an angel and a demon. Life was great. You had found these two amazing people that you spent most of your free time with, unless you were with Charlie. You had met Charlie two months after meeting Aziraphale and Crowley. Charlie had asked for your phone number, then immediately asked you on a date. Not having anything to lose, you agreed. Things were great in the beginning, they made you laugh and were incredibly respectful with any boundaries you set, but after two months of dating something in the relationship felt off. You tried to spend more time with them and to talk about what was going on but they would always change the subject, so you just dropped it.

Now, here you are, almost five months into the relationship and Charlie is coming to your apartment to “have a very serious talk.” You were sitting at your kitchen table trying to calm your shaking hands.

“They should be here by now,” you mumble to yourself. Not even a minute later an uneven knock comes from your door. Taking a deep breath you stood up and walked to your door. Gathering all your courage you opened the door.

“Hey!” you said, forcing a smile to your face. They looked nervous, but not a good kind of nervous like when you’re on a rollercoaster, it was a bad kind of nervous like when you have to take a test you didn’t study for.

“I’m just going to make this quick,” they start, not even looking you in the eye. “We’re over. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” And with that, they were gone. You were left standing in the doorway completely flabbergasted. You slowly backed into your apartment and locked your door. Turning around you slid down the back of the door. You put your hand over to try and control your sobs. You sat against your door for an hour as sorrow overtook your body. Butters curled up between your legs and tried to lift your spirits. Eventually, the afternoon turned into the evening and you had to find the strength to stand up and get something to eat. Shuffling to your kitchen you grabbed a random snack and stumbled into your bedroom. You turned on the TV, not bothering to change the channel to something you’d actually like to watch and ate your snack. Feeling a tiny bit better you checked your phone. You had 20 unread texts from Crowley and 40 missed calls from Aziraphale. You felt bad for not answering but you didn’t have the emotional capacity to do that right now, so with the TV still on you rolled over and went to sleep (even though it wasn’t even 6 pm yet).

When you awoke the next day you felt a lot better. You weren’t at 100% yet, but you felt as though you could function. When you checked your phone you had even more missed texts and calls from Crowley and Aziraphale. You decided you better go visit them before they thought you were dead. Sighing, you got up and brushed your teeth then got dressed. You walked to a coffee shop and got a drink before continuing your walk to the bookshop. As you got closer you became more nervous and almost considered turning back, but you forced yourself to continue forward.

Your steps slowed as you walked up the steps of the old store. Slowly, you pushed open the door and walked inside. You didn’t even know what brought you here, you began to think that it would’ve been better if you started at home. You didn’t want to be a burden to them. Hearing the familiar creaking of the old stairs, you knew they were here and it was too late to turn back.

“Y/N! Darling, is everything alright? You weren’t answering your phone and I almost came over last night but Crowley convinced me to wait til tonight if we still hadn’t heard anything…” the Angel continued to ramble. Your feet pulled you forward and before you knew it, you had yourself wrapped around him in a warm hug. His train of thought halted and his arms were soon wrapped around you. You were trying so hard not to break down right there but a few tears escaped.

“What’s wrong?” Crowley asked from behind Aziraphale. The Angel pulled away and gave you a concerned look while checking over your face. You suddenly felt very small under both of their strong gazes. Your eyes diverted to the ground as you began to fidget with your hands.

“Y/N, you know you can tell us anything,” Aziraphale said as you began to fight back tears. “We need to know what happened so we can help.”

“Umm… you remember Charlie right?” you quietly began.

“Of course,” the angel replied.

“About three months ago I felt something in our relationship change… oh my God, I’m so stupid of not doing anything about it sooner!” you cried. Suddenly feeling very weak on your feet, you felt yourself start to collapse. The angel and the demon leaped toward you and caught you; one on each arm.

“Let’s come have a seat on the sofa,” the angel mumbled. Slowly all three of you shuffled to the sofa as tears poured out your eyes. Once you were all settled on the sofa (Aziraphale on your left and Crowley on your right). Crowley had his hand resting on your shoulder while Aziraphale had you hand in both of his.

“Continue dear,” Aziraphale whispered. Taking a few moments to compose yourself, you regained your train of thought.

“Anyway, the main point is, they broke up with me yesterday. They didn’t say why th-they just said it was over.” Once again you crying your eyes out and your body was exhausted. Before you knew it, your body collapsed sideways onto Aziraphale as you continued to cry. His arms quickly wrapped around your body and held you close.

“It’s okay. Everything will be alright,” Aziraphale whispered into your hair. You hardly noticed Crowley leaving the two of you. “You can stay here as long as you want.”

And you did. That night you went back to your apartment to get Butters and her toys and food. You stayed at the bookshop for nearly three weeks. Your heart began to heal and before you knew it you were the best you had been in a long time.

[kagehinataboke]

For the writing prompts challenge, can you please do Bakudeku, AU 20, situation 1, sentence 11? ^.^

of course dear! from the prompt list we have bakudeku, neighbors AU, standing in the rain, and “Please stop making me fall in love with you! I swear, every time I see your face, I fall in love all over again.” oooh i’m so ready huhu~ ^~^

*****

Izuku knew upon first meeting him that Bakugou Katsuki was trouble. He was constantly scowling, as if the universe personally offended him, and had the general look of a mafia crime boss. Izuku, in particular, seemed to be the object of his worldly spite. The day after he moved in, he brought Bakugou a plant as an introductory gift, and he literally chucked it over the balcony.

If he really hated him, though, he went about it in a weird way. Normally, one would avoid the person they disliked, but Bakugou seemed to hang around Izuku more often than not. When he returned from evening classes, the scowling blond would be leaning against the railing outside his door, smoking or glaring at passersby. As soon as they locked eyes, he would tilt his head with a scoff, say something along the lines of, “About time, nerd,” and disappear back into his own apartment.

If Izuku was honest with himself, it was almost like Bakugou had been waiting for him to get home safely. You wouldn’t do that for someone you hated, right? Then again, it was more of a nuisance than anything else. There was a collection of cigarette butts growing outside his door. Izuku thought he ought to tell Bakugou smoking was bad for him, but he was a bit afraid he’d get punched, or perhaps chucked off the balcony like that poor potted yucca.

It wasn’t that Bakugou was unapproachable. The more time Izuku spent around him, the more he realized that he wasn’t a dangerous or threatening person in the least. He may have had the outward appearance of a thug, but he had a secret soft side. Waiting up for Izuku every night, helping the old man who lived downstairs carry his groceries, and even picking up lost strays: Bakugou had done all of those things, yet he still scowled and cursed and permeated the air outside of Izuku’s apartment with the stifling scent of smoke. It seemed an impossible feat to crack his shell and get to know the real him.

The tiniest bit of progress he made was offering him an umbrella on a rainy day. Bakugou had been waiting at the edge of the overhang for a solid twenty minutes, glaring at the dark sky with a murderous expression. Izuku thought it would be a perfect opportunity to get in his good graces—even if he only had one umbrella.

“Bakugou-san, here.” He nudged the blond’s arm lightly with the handle, hoping his head wouldn’t get ripped off.

“What?” Bakugou glared at him, but he snatched the umbrella out of his hand anyway. “I didn’t ask you for this, damn shitty nerd,” he grumbled under his breath. “Whatever… Thanks, I guess.”

Izuku felt his lips twitch, but he knew that Bakugou would be angry if he smiled, so he turned around to retreat. “I forgot something. See you later.” He disappeared into his apartment, waiting anxiously with his back pressed against the door for a solid five minutes. When he poked his head out again, Bakugou was gone, along with his only umbrella.

* * *

Izuku had to walk home in the rain after class, but it didn’t dampen his spirits in the least. An umbrella didn’t seem like a big deal, but it meant a lot to him that Bakugou accepted it. Having a neighbor who hated you was unbearable, so it was a relief to know there was even the smallest bit of hope for them to become friends. Bakugou had a terrible attitude, sure, but he was a good guy.

There’s no doubt about it, actually, Izuku thought, pausing at the crosswalk. He’s definitely a good guy. Even if he threw my plant, he’s got a soft side. Maybe like… a German Shepard puppy?

Izuku cracked up a bit thinking about his face when he took the umbrella. He’d been blushing a little, hadn’t he? Was he secretly the tsundere type? His personality certainly fit the bill. German Shepard tsundere.

“Oi, Deku!”

“Huh?” Izuku frowned at the childish name. “Deku? Nobody’s called me that since elementary school.”

“Fuck. Look up, you damn moron!”

Bakugou was standing across the street, pointing accusingly from under Izuku’s umbrella. “You gave me your only umbrella, didn’t you?!”

Izuku opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He was still getting over the shock of being called Deku, and by such an unfriendly guy. Did Bakugou come after him because he knew he gave away his only umbrella? Was he really that nice?

The light turned green and Bakugou stormed across the street on a warpath. Seizing Izuku by the wrist, he pulled him under the umbrella, nearly against his chest. “Don’t you know walking in the rain will make you sick, you damn moron?”

“Uh… sorry,” was all Izuku could muster. “How’d you know?”

“I… saw you from the balcony.” Bakugou’s voice grew incredibly quiet and he quickly shoved the umbrella into Izuku’s hand. “Ugh, whatever! Take this shitty umbrella,” he growled, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “I’m going back now.”

“Wait!” Izuku caught him by the sleeve before he could run off, gulping when Bakugou’s sharp eyes bore into his. “Uh, I mean… you’ll catch a cold, too. Can’t we just walk together?”

When Bakugou didn’t immediately protest, Izuku went for the killing blow. “It’s hard for me to carry the umbrella with my bags… and you’re taller.”

He seemed like he would refuse, but with an irritated click of the tongue, Bakugou took the umbrella and slammed the crosswalk button. “Fine, but don’t crowd me.”

They waited for the pedestrian crossing in silence, listening to the rain beating lightly against the umbrella. Izuku thought it was strangely calming with Bakugou standing so close. If he shifted only slightly left, their shoulders would be touching. Somehow, it was incredibly warm. Izuku still couldn’t believe Bakugou had chased after him with the umbrella like that. He really was a tsundere.

“Thanks for coming to get me,” he said lightly, hoping Bakugou wouldn’t get frightened off. “I didn’t realize that was my only umbrella.” That was a lie, but it wasn’t like he knew that.

Bakugou clicked his tongue. “Yeah, whatever. The light’s green. Start walking or you’ll get drenched.”

“Hey, you don’t have to go so fast!” Izuku hurried to keep up with his quick pace, grabbing the umbrella just above Bakugou’s hand. “We’re not that far from home. Don’t leave me behind.”

“Gross,” Bakugou grumbled. “If you say it that way, it sounds like we live together.”

“That wouldn’t be so bad,” Izuku dismissed before he could fully think it through. “Ah, I mean… roommates aren’t so bad. We already live next door to each other. Hey, Bakugou-san— You’re going way too fast!”

Bakugou stopped a few feet ahead of him, knuckles white against the handle of the umbrella. “You… you’re infuriating. Are you doing this on purpose?”

“Huh?” Izuku hesitated, staring at the spot between Bakugou’s tensed shoulders. The umbrella looked ready to snap in half. “What… do you mean by that?”

“Dammit.” The umbrella clattered to the sidewalk, rippling the puddles of water collected there. Bakugou’s face was twisted into the most anguished expression Izuku had ever seen. “Stop it already… I can’t take this.”

“Stop what?” Izuku demanded, resisting the urge to retrieve the umbrella. It was going to blow away, but Bakugou’s gaze had him locked in place. “What did I do to you? Do you seriously hate me so much that we can’t even share an umbrella?! All I’ve done is be nice to you from the start!”

“Exactly!” Bakugou snapped, stomping his foot in a puddle hard enough to splash them both, voice lowering until it was nearly impossible to hear with the loud drone of the rain. “Stop being nice to me already. Don’t bring me a plant or give me your umbrella. Get pissed and ignore me like everyone else.” He gritted his teeth. “Just please… stop making me fall in love with you!”

The words hit Izuku like a bolt of lighting to the chest. ‘Love,’ he said. Not ‘hate,’ but ‘love.’ Bakugou Katsuki; obnoxious neighbor; chronic jerk; killer of yucca plants… was in love with him? He had to be dreaming. I’m nowhere other than a dream would he be standing in the rain, receiving a confession from his would-be enemy. All he could do was stand there and stare at his anguished expression. Against all odds, had his umbrella become the harbinger of change?

“I hate everything about you.” Oh: he wasn’t done yet. “I hate the way your stupid hair curls up, and the way you smile so kindly at everyone, and the way you diligently help people like they genuinely deserve it. I hate how you never miss a class even if you’re overworked, and how you think the best of everyone right from the start.” He wiped at his eyes furiously. “Who gave you the right to be so kind? Why can’t you just hate me, dammit?!”

Izuku couldn’t follow what he was saying in the least. “Are you saying… you were trying to get me to hate you?”

“Of course I was!” Bakugou exploded, tearing a hand through his wet hair roughly. “What sane person would throw a plant off a two-story balcony?! I thought it would scare you off, but you just kept smiling at me like an idiot!” He kicked a nearby con into the street. “Fuck! I kept trying to ignore you but I swear, every time I see your face, I fall in love all over again!”

Wait… so then, everything that he did… was to get me to dislike him? Izuku’s head hurt thinking about it. Seriously, though? Is he an elementary schooler? 

Seemingly satisfied, Bakugou stooped down to pick up the umbrella. “I think you get the message now. Good. Just stay away from me—“

“I accept,” Izuku interrupted. His edgy expression was getting to be too much to handle. Izuku would have to add ‘childish’ to the list of adjectives that perfectly described Bakugou. Childish, angry, tsundere German Shepard.

“Huh?” Bakugou squinted at him in confusion. “You… Huh?”

“I said: I accept. That was a confession, right? So, my answer is yes.”

“Are you kidding?” The umbrella fell to Bakugou’s side uselessly. “Did you… did you not hear a damn word I just said, you bastard? I want you to stay the fuck away from—“

“You can’t really expect me to believe you after you said ‘I love you,’ right?”

Izuku took the umbrella from him, shaking out the gathered water. “Should we head back? It’s raining even harder.”

“Hey, wait just a fucking second!” Bakugou grabbed his wrist, but he quickly lost his nerve and released it again. “I… You… you aren’t serious, are you?”

“Dead serious.” Izuku raised the umbrella to cover them both, offering Bakugou his biggest grin. “Let’s go home.”

He couldn’t say he’d ever really thought of him in a romantic light, but if there was one thing Izuku knew for sure, it was that he really didn’t like being hated by Bakugou Katsuki.

[welcome-to-my-daydreams]

Man in the Storm 16

Summary: It’s rut season at the compound. Omega Reader plans to ride it out alone, locked in her room away from any unwanted Alphas. But she finds that to be a lot easier said than done when the team’s strongest Alpha pays a visit.

Pairings: Alpha!Thor x Omega!Reader

Type: Series (A/B/O Dynamics)

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,954

A/N: I know reader is strong. But she’s also hurting and I think that’s ok too. 

Part 15, Part 17

Masterlist

The first month was the hardest. You spent the first week held up in bed. Physically unable to move and mentally unwilling to. You felt like a piece of you was missing, and in a way, it was. 

You might not have bonded with Thor but you were feeling the withdrawals of his absence nonetheless. 

His scent was slowly fading from your skin and you were beginning to feel the same vulnerability that you had grown so used to before. Before him. You spent your days watching out the window. Just hoping that you’d see him return in that very moment. But it was hopeless. It seemed the more you longed for him, less likely he was to come. 

It didn’t even rain. Not for a whole month. 

You found yourself avoiding his room. Despite how much you wanted to wrap his shirts around you and to sleep in his bed, you couldn’t bear the pain it caused and the memories it brought. 

When you continued to recluse into yourself as the weeks went on Natasha took matters into her own hands. She started dragging you around with her everywhere she went. If she went to the gym, so did you. If she was assigned to work with the recruits, so were you. She got the pack to rally behind you, insisting that all the main members eat every meal together when possible. 

You would never admit it at the time, but it did help. Being around your pack and feeding off of their energy is what helped you get through each day. 

As time went on everything at the compound went back to normal. The excitement of Thor’s visit had dissipated throughout the pack. But not for you. 

You tried to go on with your days, you really did. But every sympathetic look from Steve and every awkward moment when someone would mention Thor made it impossible. 

It didn't help that many of your pack mates felt the need to impart their opinion on the situation. You heard the gossip that was going around the compound, it always got back to you eventually. 

“I mean how long was he gone last time? Like, years. Right?” 

“I heard it’s the same reason Jane left him.”

“He probably just came to Earth to have some fun before settling down.”

You tried not to let it get to you. Most of the gossip came from bitter Omega’s and Alpha’s who resented the relationship in the first place. You knew this, but as always you managed to rationalise their words in your mind. They did have a point after all. Thor was known to leave for years at a time. What if this was no different? Could you really do that? Wait for him for years?

And what if he decided not to wait that long? What if he decided to settle with some Asgardian shieldmaiden who was more suited to his life? He never did claim you in the end. Your bonding glad remained untouched. 

“Jesus (y/n), stop it!” You scolded yourself as you exited Bruce’s lab. 

You had decided to go back on the pills to suppress your heat, requesting a higher dose than you had before because you wanted to avoid the heat altogether this time. The idea of having a heat or feeling even remotely sexual turned your stomach over. You were dealing with enough pain at the moment you didn’t need to be reminded that you once again had no one to rut with. 

You hurried down the hall, hoping to avoid crossing paths with Natasha.

As much as you loved her for helping you out these past weeks you needed a few hours to yourself and you knew she would be coming down to pick you up and take you to the class she had to teach. If you could get to the other side of the compound without her finding you then you knew you’d had at least a few hours to just chill while she worked. 

You made your way up to the main floor, across the cafeteria and down the hall until you finally found your refuge. 

The library was almost always empty. Tony and Bruce had their own collections and the rest of the team weren’t generally inclined to sit down and read a book. The other pack members were all busy with training or working in the labs. So you knew this would be the place to get in some solid alone time. 

You grabbed a couple books to swipe through and made yourself a coffee at the small barista bar Stark had installed when building the compound. You took your seat on one of the huge couches next to the windows. Once you were all settled in you let out a deep exhale.

Peace and quiet. 

And that piece and quiet lasted for about 20 minutes. You didn’t notice him at first. Perhaps it was the stronger pills you were taking or your desperation to disconnect. But you didn’t smell him as he entered the library and made his way towards you. 

“Hey, Omega...”

You looked up from your book to see Bucky standing before you. Looking nervous and awkward. “Uh...hey Bucky.” you greeted him as you shifted in your seat. The two of you still had not spoken since the fight you had out on the field. Which was an incredible accomplishment considering you lived together and worked together.

Bucky took a seat across from you, avoiding eye contact. You took an annoyed breath and closed your book.

“How are you doing?” He asked sincerely. You adjusted your position on the couch, sitting up straight. “What do you want Bucky?” you asked, dismissing his small talk.

He stayed quiet for a while, you noticed how he clenched his jaw when you dismissed him. Normally he’d pull some Alpha superiority shit by now but you could tell he was actively trying not to. 

“I came to apologise.” He confessed, clenching his jaw again, his big brown eyes boring into you. You nodded quietly. 

“For what exactly?” You questioned. “For calling me a slut? Or for hurting me in the kitchen? Or maybe-”

“For everything.” He cut you off, combing his hand through his hair. He knew that apologising to you wouldn't even be half as easy it was with Thor, but he had hopped that you had softened over time. 

You stayed quiet, just looking at him. Struggling to keep your steely facade. You had spent so much time going over why you were mad at him and why you were hurt by him. And now the anger was betraying you. 

“I shouldn't have played all those games with you, Omega. I knew that you wanted more from me and I should have....I should have stopped it sooner.” He admitted while shifting in his seat. “I think I let everything go to my head. I was a selfish prick.” He continued. He was uncomfortable and you could taste it on the tip on your tongue. This submissive stance was foreign to him and you knew that it was taking all his strength to lower his pride for the sake of an Omega. He was such a classic Alpha and the room was rife with his internal struggle. 

“And I shouldn’t-” He continued, but you raised your hand to stop him. “Bucky. Stop. Thank you for the apology. You have no idea how relieved I am to hear it.” You told him. You leaned forward, resting your forearms on the tops of your thighs, fiddling your thumbs awkwardly. 

“I...I’ve been thinking a lot over these last few weeks and I think we both made some pretty bad decisions back then. I mean...I always somehow knew we would never get very far. And yet I kept pushing for it.” Bucky furrowed in brow in confusion. “Don’t do that Omega.” He said, cutting you off. “You’re not responsible. At all. I could have..and should have ended things with you sooner. The whole thing with Melissa...it. I’m sorry.” he said it again, almost spitting it out. Like he needed you to hear it. 

And believe it.

He looked up at you with such puppy dog eyes that you felt something shift in you. For some reason, now that it was open for discussion, you felt your resentment and anger towards the Alpha disappear. You weren’t sure why. Surely he deserved more of a reprimand. But, you just felt like letting it all go. 

You smiled at him and nodded, taking an even deeper breath than before.

“I don’t want to be mad anymore, Buck. I mean, I am angry with you for treating me like a toy all that time. And you really were being an asshole, but I’m willing to put it past us and just...start fresh.” You took a pause as the tears suddenly began to well up underneath your eyes. “I just want everything to be ok.”

As soon as you uttered the words the flood of emotions took over and you started crying. 

Bucky stiffened uncomfortably, looking around the room with no idea what to do. He wasn’t exactly the best with this kind of stuff. 

“Uhh....” He said awkwardly, reaching his hand out to touch your shoulder. But you didn't stop crying. In fact, you got worse. You felt to stupid for crying in front of him, but you’d been trying to keep it together so long and not to let the pack see you upset, that your wall finally broke down. 

Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Bucky got up to sit next you, thinking of what Steve might do in a situation like this and attempting to mimic it. 

He pulled you close into a hug and you went along with him. 

“I’m sorry Bucky.” You managed to say between sniffles. “I’m just...I’m not handling all this very well.” You confessed.

Bucky nodded and continued to rub your back. He knew you were referring to Thor’s departure. “It’s okay Omega... It’s ok.” He said as you slowly calmed down. He could smell the sadness coming off you and it pained him. 

“He didn’t even tell me how long he’d be gone, you know?” You said, pulling away and reaching for the napkin on the table. “I feel like I’m in this weird limbo. I can’t just sit here and wait forever. But I can’t just move on either...you know?” You asked before blowing your nose in the napkin.

Bucky cringed a little at the sound. This was so not his forte. But he nodded anyway, reaching his hand out to pat your back again. But you mistook his gesture and handed him the dirty napkin. 

“Thanks Buck. I’m sorry for falling a apart like that. I’m just tired.” You shook your head and cleared your eyes, completely oblivious to the look of disgust on his face as he looked at the napkin. 

“It’s alright Omega. I understand, it’s normal.” He said, doing his best to comfort you. He took the napkin from the palm of his hand with his finger tips and walked over to the bin on the other side of the couch.

“Do you want me to go get Nat? Or maybe Wanda?” He asked, knowing they could give you more than he could in a moment like this. But you shook your head no and smiled. “I’m ok, thanks. I think I just want some time alone.”

“Ok.” The Alpha nodded. “You know where to find me if you ever need to talk” He said to you, giving you one last look to make sure you were ok before turning to leave the library. “I’ll be okay.” You assured him again. 

@usetheforce3434 @ourdreamsrealized @oknstark @jaegers-and-kaijus @alittlehoneybear @fundaymonday @iamwarrenspeace @lumelgy @steggy4ever @devilsbaby6 @dani-si @dreamingaboutthewonderland @yoursupernatural @maebeltranlove @thisisnotseriousbussiness @wintersire @talknerdytome25 @coffeeandmistakes @mellytonellysstuff @thewalkingmombie @naturalistamisslyn @fxnrisulv @leashab @illbewendyyoubepeter @isislockett @crowleyshellkitten @sammanthamariee @bookshelvesandteacups@marveloussssworld​ @lemonchapstick​ @randomlove15 @tinyfistwarrior@bodhi-black @mermaid099 @jeffersonstarships2099 @brooke-supernatural16​ @unic0rns-taking-0ver-th3-w0rld @lovely-geek​@greeneyedgal20 @blxcksoulsanddxrkflowers @spideysz @whyugottabsorude @i-think-i-am-adorable​ @lexie-mo​ @pinkgalaxyskull​ @palelightgiver​ @lokisgoldengoddess @bandstripper @memyselfandmaddox @assassin-inthe-scoutregiment @the-goddess-of-mischief @congurl @chaotic-neutral-spider @imjustalittlebean @rishlo @sunigyrl @supernaturalpotternerd @sonarsyndor @sea040561 @justcallmecinammon @inumorph @darkkitty @thewayilookatbacon @jumpingmanatee @pocmarvelworks @lovelyangelofasgard @ktjnn @debiwolft @milllionthingsihaventdone @occasionalfics @jmberries @badassbaker @vgurl18 @samanthasmileys @girlwhoisfearless @loverofthor @sthorgestavenger @loverofthor @slightlysoftgrunge @earinafae

[bthump]

what are the things you like and dislike about the '97 anime and the films?

ty for asking, i’m just gonna write a few long lists lol

97 anime likes:

the animation, including the like, yk the more detailed stills they pan over in place of action or to punctuate important moments, i love it

the gorgeous backgrounds

most of the colour choices. red eclipse, femto’s blue eyes, casca’s skintone, griffith’s mauve clothes, etc.

how close it is to the manga. like, it’s a solid adaption just by virtue of making very few changes.

so like, most of it really, because i like the manga

special mention to the entire lead up to the eclipse from griffith’s reality break to the sacrifice tho, because i think that was all pretty damn perfect. it’s the most important scene and they did it right.

actually also shout out to casca’s flashback to griffith and the dead kid, gennon, the river scene, all that. another difficult v emotional sequence that they nailed imo.

griffith thinking about how he “loves” guts during the monologue

skipped most of the griffith/charlotte sex scene iirc which i approve of

the glimpse of black swordsman guts in ep 1. it’s not perfect but it’s way better than the ovas starting w/ 15 yr old guts

the opening and closing themes. fucking love both songs ngl

also the opening monologue. never get tired of hearing it

the score

the portrayal of griffith was honestly pretty solid imo. i have very few issues there. and lbr that’s important lol

97 anime dislikes:

not a big fan of griffith or guts’ character designs.

just about everything that isn’t identical to the manga is a change for the worse

turned griffith’s scratch marks into that giant unexplained scar

adding extra scenes where casca is secretly impressed with guts’ skills in battle in an attempt to build up their relationship better, which instead just made casca look unfair for still being a dick to him for 3 years and made guts stupidly gary stu-ish

obviously the straightforwardly romantic portrayal of guts and casca’s relationship

through several seemingly minor changes (eg, skipping guts’ night of self-doubt after he leaves, giving guts’ stay with godo its own half-episode, making guts inviting casca along super romantic rather than the incredibly casual and assholish way he does it in the manga, etc) it makes Guts’ dream seem legitimately noble and worthwhile, with none of the like… implicit critique the manga has. like honestly it completely fucks up what i consider one of the central themes of the story lol

the pre eclipse stuff also fails to sell guts’ sense of regret - through things like playing guts’ theme while judeau is telling guts to leave, not repeating guts’ statement of regret after casca tells him to leave again, the tone remains consistently in favour of guts’ dream. wrong and bad.

like it really reads like the suggested tragedy is that guts doesn’t get the chance to ditch griffith with judeau and take off with casca and the raiders lol

also fucks it up by never directly mentioning guts’ csa trauma

also fucks it up by losing guts’ self-destructive single-minded urge to fight monsters that we saw thru the wyald stuff. i’m not gonna say that losing wyald was a bad decision, but they should’ve at least moved erika suggesting that guts just wants to fight zodd again to the fucking waterfall scene in question, which they portrayed completely sans zodd discussion, completely sans implication of the self-destructiveness of guts’ dream

like in the manga he nearly gets killed by the falling logs and just laughs it off like a dumbass while erika is concerned and suggests that guts is driven by something irrational and not actually a ~noble~ dream, ie, wanting to fight zodd again (ie, going deeper, his csa trauma), while in the anime we get a 2nd scene where he successfully slices through the logs as a super basic symbol of growth and a narrative pat on guts’ back that shouldn’t be there!

honestly just fucking everything about the portrayal of guts’ dream lol it just takes it at face value in a way the manga consistently never did and always undermined and critiqued, and it bugs the hell out of me.

guts is just drawn in a way that makes him look angry way too often and he often feels ooc to me bc of it. like he lacks a lot of the warmth he has in the manga imo

showing that griffith is awake when guts says “i’ll stay too” even tho in the manga those words are placed over a panel of him asleep for a reason like, ffs

lots of other random nitpicky details that only i give a fuck about because my opinions and feelings about the story are too strong lol. like not showing griffith’s face when he asks if guts thinks he’s cruel

oh huge one: moving the scene where the torturer rips off griffith’s behelit from about a day after he was imprisoned to right before his rescue. completely trivializes griffith’s torture because it still looks like he’s been in there for a day at most

why on earth did it end where it ended????????????? who’s bright idea was that? the perfect ending is skull knight riding tf out with guts and casca and femto not killing them, but then they also cut out skull knight’s first appearance so idfk man.

oh some downplaying of griffguts, like i can’t complain too much about this because it was still p homoerotic, but things like omitting guts assuming griffith wants to fuck him right before their first duel. boo.

ultimately at the end of the day as much as i do genuinely like the anime, it’s not telling quite the same story the manga was - the story it’s telling is more boring and basic. but because it sticks so close to the manga the good story still shines through? it just means there’s inconsistent tone choices and stuff, like the aforementioned grievances.

it’s like, they kept casca’s diatribe at guts line for line while she’s screaming that griffith needed him and a man can’t live on dreams alone, but they don’t extend that train of thought to guts going off to pursue his dream, while the manga does.

anyway despite that giant list of dislikes i still think the anime is pretty fantastic overall. i just also like, blame it for a lot of wrong fandom takes lol.

movie likes:

character designs! honestly imo everyone looked pretty great.

they played up the homoeroticism and i appreciate that

illustrating griffith being torn between guts and his dream through that lovely moment when he catches guts when he nearly falls off the stairs right before he catches charlotte, and in a more romantically suggestive way

the whole scene where griffith shows up at charlotte’s window thoroughly improved on the manga, so hats off there. loved how completely out of it he was to the point where he barely realized where he was and immediately turned to leave when charlotte was like ‘woah dude wtf,’ love that charlotte was the one to ask him to stay and then physically move his hand back to her tit, love how emphatically griffith was thinking about guts during that sex scene, etc. like it’s still not perfect, but it is a vast improvement.

griffith showing up in person after the hundred man fight was a nice touch

it was cool that they got a lot of the same english vas from the anime dub back, and they all did a gr8 job. like it’s a pretty good dub imo.

i liked that they moved ‘the crystalization of your last tear shed’ to after guts’ post-eclipse breakdown

compared to the anime at least gtsca was more low-key and chill rather than dramatically romantic. still don’t want it there, and still not as… unromantic as the manga, but i’ll take what i can get

the animation during griffith’s transformation into femto, yk that whole sequence, was cool

slan’s english voice was super sexy

ummmmm i feel like they conveyed the whole dreams are stupid theme, and guts’ decision to leave being a mistake, better than the anime? like i got the sense that the ova ppl recognized that was a theme, at least. i’d have to watch them again to really be sure of that tho

movie dislikes:

GRIFFITH’S. NARRATIVE.

like holy fuck they completely destroyed his character lmao

i cannot believe

no backstory! no tombstone of flame! no ‘do you think i’m cruel?’ THAT WAS THE REASON HE MADE THE SACRIFICE FFS HOW DO YOU SKIP IT????

no dead kid angst, gennon only in vague implication, no self harm - oh no wait we saw self inflicted scratches, they were just completely contextless and meaningless to the point where we could assume charlotte’s nails made them

no torture chamber monologue

no guts monologue in the tavern either for that matter

no rooftop scene

again barely the implication of guts’ childhood trauma, both the sexual abuse and the general parental abuse. one vague flashbacky nightmare doesn’t cut it, it’s the cornerstone of the story

like i get it, it’s a movie trilogy, you have to cut some things, but goddamn, cut out gtsca. trim the hundred man fight. add 20 minutes to the first ova and take the insanely long rape scene out of the third. trim down the whole eclipse sequence. don’t cut out like… the story. like they cut out SO MANY emotionally relevant scenes and kept so many much less relevant scenes, idek.

and like let’s be real here, they turned griffith from an immensely interesting and complex character into a 1 dimensional dude who is torn between a vaguely evil ambition and being in vaguely evil love with guts, just for the sake of streamlining the least interesting aspects of the story

they don’t even try to pretend otherwise lol, look at his fucking hilarious evil smile here

also while i’m looking at it, in general i think they failed at the whole eclipse sequence. looks, lighting, colour, build up of tension… there are a few minor improvements here and there (eg casca’s point of view shot of femto, femto telekinesising guts back a la the black swordsman arc which emphasizes his failure to act when he escapes), but overall it doesn’t work for me at all. like imo the anime has the exact same highs and lows as the manga, but while the ova avoids some lows it never reaches those highs.

they also had griffith overhear guts saying he wants to stay. i really don’t get why this happened twice lol, like… ok his face is kind of shadowed here but he’s still very clearly asleep? this is an important detail, guts’ interrupted words are even on that very panel, so why would you go out of your way to show that he’s awake and listening at that point.

the pacing sucked. 3rd movie was too long, 1st was too short, and they skipped waaaaaay too many significant scenes that should’ve been there as emotional beats

honestly the movies are pretty, they’re nicely fanservicey in ways, they capture some good subtleties and nuances at times, but they’re a husk of the story

oh did i mention the music during the eclipse rape? incredible.

also i am actually generally positive about the movies too despite what it seems like here lmao. i’ve watched them all like, 3 or more times and i find them v enjoyable.

i just have a way easier time listing nitpicky flaws than positives honestly. the flaws stand out to me, the virtues pass me by because i’m just enjoying them and not dwelling on them

and lbr here at the end of the day no adaption will ever really satisfy me unless i somehow find several million dollars lying around and make my own lol. and that would probably be a flop anyway.

[thelem0npie]

America

Writing this was like 70% googling American terms, 10% progress and 20% caffeine...

"What even is a Hufflepuff..." Y/N wondered aloud, tugging at the uncomfortable yellow and black tie as she roamed the large, cold corridors of Hogwarts. She'd just left the Principal's office after being assigned her house and told where to go to find her classes.

Unfortunately, Y/N had never been good at following directions and soon enough found herself lost somewhere deep within the castle. She opened a door at the end of the hallway to find what seemed to be a tower of staircases.

"What the actual fuck is this school?" She stepped onto the staircase in front of her and started climbing when a strange rumbling sound stopped her in her tracks.

The rumbling continued as the staircase started to move?!

She screamed and ran back down to solid ground, crashing into the closed door at the bottom. Her bag slipped off her arm and fell to the ground, spilling open and spewing her new school supplies everywhere.

Loud laughter rang out from above and the girl looked up to see four boys sitting on the bannister of one of the moving staircases.

The four had obviously been watching her progress and found it to be the funniest damn thing in the world.

One of them, one with black hair and glasses, fell backwards off the railing amidst his laughter which only encouraged the others to laugh even harder.   Blushing furiously, Y/N grabbed her things and backed out of the tower, slamming the door behind her, too embarrassed to face the group on her very first day.

While she tried failingly to clear the ink stains from her brand new school books the door opened and the four boys streamed in, led by the tallest one, sporting brown hair and an amused look. The second one to appear was the black haired boy who'd fallen off the railing, his face still slightly red from laughing as he rubbed the back of his head. The third to follow also had black hair but it was slightly longer and better kept than his friend's. The fourth and final boy trailed behind the others, eagerly expecting more entertainment and gazing at the boy with the glasses with a look that was half admiration and half awe.

It was clear that glasses boy was the leader as he stepped forward and the others subconsciously gathered around behind him, one of them resting an elbow on glasses boy's shoulder while the other two stood on either side. The other black haired boy, the one who was leaning against glasses boy, seemed curious about the strange girl as if she was a new toy. The tall one looked on warily, almost like he expected something to go wrong. The short boy stared at the scene playing out, drinking in every move his leader made. It was clear to Y/N that this interaction would play a big part in deciding how the rest of her time at Hogwarts would go.

"Hi, I'm James Potter." Glasses boy gave Y/N a dazzling grin and held out a hand for her to shake. "Haven’t seen you here before."

"Y/N Y/L/N." She responded, taking his warm hand and shaking once. "I'm a transfer from Ilvermorny."

"Crikey, it's a Yank." The other black-haired boy commented in surprise.   "What's a Yank?" The smallest one whispered.

"She's an American." James answered without looking away from Y/N, an amused smirk playing on his lips as he took her in.

"An American who's lost. Can one of you please tell me how to get to..." She fumbled around in her bag before pulling out the now crumpled and blotted timetable. "Herbology?"

"Sure." The tallest boy stepped away from the group and offered a sweet smile that took her breath away. She'd never seen a boy who looked so... perfect. "Let's go before they decide to do something stupid." He teased and lead her away from the group (and the terrifying stairs tower). The remaining three boys whistled and called out after them. The tall boy beside her just rolled his eyes and kept walking.

When the others were out of sight and their calls faded away into silence the boy struck up a conversation as easily as if he were speaking to an old friend. "So, what brings you to England?"

Y/N, struggling to keep up with his long strides, barely heard him. "Sorry?"

He noticed her distress and slowed down to her pace before repeating himself.

"Oh, my grandpop bought the farm and left my folks his pizza chain here so dad decided to jump ship and we caught the first red eye over."

The boy frowned and looked at her. "I know that was all English but I have no idea what you just said... something about your grandfather buying a farm, sailing and getting red eye?”

Y/N took one look at his bewildered expression and laughed. "You're not even close. Pop died and mom and dad inherited everything so dad quit his job and we moved over here."

"Oh... sorry about your grandfather...”

She shrugged. "It's behind me. He was never more than a name on a card and a 50-pound note. 'Sides, thanks to him, dad made a killing on the pizza chain last month."

"Do all Americans speak so fast?"

"Do all Brits speak so slowly?" She countered, enjoying the short burst of laughter he let out at her response.

"No, just the boring ones sorry."

"I don't think you're boring."

"You'd be among the first." He chuckled. "Sorry about those idiots back there, James loves a chance to show off."

"I can handle a few slack-jawed kids like them." Y/N shrugged, rifling around in her bag to see what had managed to escape the inksplosion.

"Here, let me take a look at that." Remus reached over and slipped her bag off her shoulder with nimble fingers. He slipped his wand from his sleeve and pointed it at the bag. A few incantations later and it was clean and organized once again.

"You are a lifesaver! It's bad enough being the new kid but being the new kid with a completely trashed bag is a whole other shitshow." She took the bag from him and slung it back over her shoulder, taking care not to break her inkwell again. "I owe you one.”

The sweet smile he gave her was enough to turn her stomach into a mess of nerves. How unfair that she would have to have a crush on the first friend she'd made in this new school.

As they walked and the conversation went off topic Y/N found it more and more difficult to keep her eyes away from him.

She was entranced by the way he ran his hand through his hair every few minutes, almost as if he wasn't even aware of how good he looked doing it. Her eyes hungrily scoured his broad shoulders barely concealed under the thin fabric of his school shirt. She found herself gazing at the cute way his nose scrunched up and his eyes crinkled when he started laughing. And when he smiled down at her, a smile that lit up his eyes and sent her nerves into chaos, the grey and dreary English sky seemed brighter somehow.

They finally reach the greenhouses where he said the Herbology classes were usually held and she found herself not wanting him to leave. "Thanks.... I don't even know your name." She smiled sheepishly.

"My name's Remus. Remus Lupin. Good luck in your first class.”

With that, he turned and made his way back up to the enormous castle, completely unaware of Y/N watching his figure until he disappeared.  

"Well fuck me.”

Morning classes passed by in a mix of whispered gossip and curious stares. By the time lunch rolled around Y/N had more than had enough of it. If she'd known British people were going to be so rude and obvious about their staring she'd probably have fought harder to stay at Ilvermorny.  

After a gruelling hour of potions - in which she'd had a jar of bat blood spilt on her and then promptly been told off for using her wand to clean up the mess - Y/N followed the crowd to lunch, hanging back to avoid any more staring. Her first day at Hogwarts was proving to be even worse than anticipated and she was certainly dreading the idea of entering a massive hall filled with strangers only to embarrass herself once again.

"Hey, Y/N!" A familiar voice called out from behind. Y/N spun around to see Remus walking toward her with a breathtaking smile. She was suddenly aware of the fact that her hair was a mess from the earlier potions debacle and that she probably still smelled like bat blood but her relief at seeing a friendly face overruled her urge to run away and hide in the girl's bathrooms.

"Remus!" She breathed out in relief, stopping in her tracks and letting him catch up. "You're a sight for sore eyes!"  

"Rough morning?"  

"Hella rough." She sighed, letting him lead her to the great hall as she recounted her morning, stopping from time to time to explain her 'Yankee talk' as he put it.  

They reach the hall and Y/N stared at the four long tables, crowded with students and food. Everyone seemed to know each other, she stuck out like a very sore and incredibly irritated thumb. "We eat in our houses," Remus explained and chuckled when he saw the horrified expression on her face. "But you can come sit with me until you make friends in your own house, if you'd like." He added quickly.  

"Yes please." She whispered, not liking how people were already turning to stare at her. She heard the words bat blood floating around and felt her cheeks heat up, she knew how gossip and rumours spread in schools and didn't want to think about what people were already saying about her.  

"Don't mind them," Remus said as he led her past the whispering people. "They'll get over it in a day or so." He stopped halfway down one of the tables and Y/N recognised James and the two other boys from earlier.  

"I sure hope so." She muttered, sliding into the seat beside Remus and opposite one of his friends.  

"Afternoon lads." Remus said, loading different sorts of meat onto his plate. "You remember Y/N, right?" 

The three boys stared at Y/N and she stared back. "Can I help you?"  

"People are looking..." The small, brown-haired boy whispered, eyes darting around as more and more people realised where the new girl was sitting.  

"Let them stare, it's nothing you're not used to Wormtail." Remus chuckled.  

"Wormtail? Is that your name?" Y/N asked, barely hiding her shock. "What kind of parents name their kid Wormtail and don't expect him to get pounded on daily." 

James choked on his pumpkin juice as he tried not to laugh, which turned into a coughing fit that led to his face becoming a bright red. "Bloody Yanks." He spluttered, wiping away his tears.  

"What?"  

"That's Peter Pettigrew." Remus pointed at the mousy haired boy she'd mistaken for Wormtail. "You know James Potter." He indicated the red-faced boy with pumpkin juice dribbling down his chin. "And that's Sirius Black." The black haired boy opposite Y/N still hadn't stopped staring at her.  

"Whatchu gawkin' at?" She challenged. 

"I-what?" Sirius stutters, not quite understanding what she'd said.   

"Why are you staring at me?" Y/N clarified with an eye roll.  

"Hufflepuffs usually sit over there." Sirius pointed his thumb at a table where a few people in yellow ties like Y/N's were still staring at the strange new girl. "At the Hufflepuff table. This is the Gryffindor table, you can't sit with us."  

Y/N blinked, completely unphased. "What are they gonna put me in the doghouse for sitting here? I mean come off it, forcing children to sit apart based on the colour of their tie? You know back in the States the No-Majes are rioting it out in the streets to end that kind of discrimination."  

"I'm sorry?" James scrunched his face at the strange phrase. "Could you please speak English?" 

"And what in Merlin's name is a No-Maj?" Sirius wondered. 

"A No-Maj? A person without magic abilities?" 

"You mean Muggles?" James said.

"What the hell is a Muggle? Sounds like some kind of gross disease." 

"Muggles are what we call No-Majes." Remus clarified in a gentle voice. 

"I like our word better." 

"Your word is stupid." Peter snapped, clearly not liking the new addition to their group. 

"Stand down Wormtail. She's cool." Sirius said, ruffling Peter's hair affectionately and shooting Y/N a wink. 

"Pads, stop hitting on her." Remus snapped, making the other boys look at him in surprise.  

"I wasn't-"    

"Leave it." James interrupted his friend, eyes on Y/N. "Welcome to Hogwarts, America."  

A month passed and Y/N was completely accepted into this strange group of boys. New gossip circulated nearly every week about this girl who'd somehow found her way into the Marauders' tight little circle.

People were constantly asking her which one of them she was dating, to which she'd always respond with the name of whichever one of the boys was closest which created a lot of confusion amongst the students of Hogwarts. One day a story would be going around about Y/N and James being caught snogging in a broom closet while next week people swore they saw Sirius and Y/N holding hands at breakfast! Only a few hours later a new tale would circulate about Y/N and Peter's 'hot date' in Madame Puddifoot's tea shop and who could forget the time Remus and Y/N had ditched a Quidditch match to hook up in the Hufflepuff common room? The rumours became a source of great amusement for the group, sometimes they'd even go out of their way to get caught in 'interesting' situations just to see what people would come up with next!   

The only person not on board with all the hijinks and giggles was Remus, who never seemed to find the joke funny, always clamming up and resorting to silence and angry stares when someone brought it up. Of course, this didn't go unnoticed and the others tried confronting him about it but he'd just laugh it off and say it was nothing and his friends were none the wiser.  

All except James that was, whose keen eyes never missed anything. He noticed all the longing glances, the badly hidden blushes, the awkward moments whenever they'd touch and his mind was reeling with ways to expose the truth.

One afternoon when the five of them were sitting underneath their usual tree out by the lake, he snapped. He'd been watching Y/N and Remus have their own little conversation as they often would when Remus had reached up to brush an eyelash from Y/N's cheek and her face had turned bright pink.  

"Lads, we need to do something about this." James groaned.  

Peter, who was sitting on his right watching in awe as James showed off with his golden Snitch, raised an eyebrow curiously. Sirius remained where he was, laying in the sunlight with his eyes closed and enjoying the warmth. Y/N and Remus looked up from where they sat off to the side, a little bit away from the others.  

“About what?" Y/N asked.  

"About you and Moony." He sighed, pocketing his Snitch.  

Sirius opened one eye warily. "What's this?"  

"Moony and America have the hots for each other!" James stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And they're both too cowardly to make a move, as their friends it is our duty to help them make said move."  

"What the bloody hell are you on about!" Remus argued, cheeks burning.   "Oh as if!" Y/N cried at the same time, blushing just as much as the boy beside her.  

Sirius sat up, his full attention on James. "What makes you say that?"  

"Only the fact that I've caught Y/N staring at him all the time and how Moony gets insanely jealous whenever you hit on her, it's pathetic."  

"Who hired you to play matchmaker?" Sirius snickered, thoroughly enjoying the drama unfolding in front of him. "Besides, I think you need a bit more than protectiveness and random staring to convince me." 

James winked at Sirius, ever the perfect sidekick, and turned his attention to Y/N, the weaker link. "America, would you care to tell the others what you told me last week?"  

Y/N frowned, momentarily confused before she realised what he must be referring to. "You-I thought you were too shit-faced to remember anything!"  

"I remember everything," James smirked. "Now please, repeat to the class what you said or shall I?"  

Y/N glared at James threateningly. "I'm calling your bluff, Potter."  

James grins and lurched to his feet, placing a hand on his forehead dramatically and putting on a falsetto voice and a horrible American accent. "Oh Prongs, I can't believe how perfect Remus is! They don't have guys like that back in the States! I'm so in love with him! Truly, madly, completely-"  

"I DID NOT SAY THAT!" Y/N yelled and threw a pinecone at James' head which he dodged easily.  

"And Moony, always watching America with those big green eyes." James snickered, plopping down next to Sirius and gazing at him lovingly in an imitation of Remus.   "Oh Remus!" Sirius gasped, playing along while Peter fell into a fit of laughter. "I never did see a fella like you!" He sighed in a terrible imitation of an American accent. "Kiss me, Remus!"  

"Oh Y/N!"  

"ENOUGH!" Remus bellowed, glaring at the two boys. His face was completely red, his hands were clenched into tight fists and his eyes were fixed on James with a murderous look. "I have to go." He said, snatching his bag from the grass and storming off. 

"Well, that didn't go as planned." James pouted. 

"You complete and utter asshat!" Y/N snapped, pegging another pinecone at his head before running off after Remus 

It didn't take long for her to find him, he'd only reached the other side of the Entrance Hall before she caught up. "Moony!" He stopped at the sound of her voice, watching as she caught her breath before speaking. 

"I'm sorry for storming off, I just needed to get away before I punched Prongs in the face." 

"It's fine, I nailed him with a pinecone instead." 

Remus smiled for a moment before the happiness faded from his face, replaced by a look of concern and caution. "What he said back there..." 

"Don't sweat it, I don't mind if people know we're into each other." 

"Wha-" Remus spluttered. 

"Well yeah, I mean, if we're gonna start dating they'll figure it out anyway." Y/N shrugged nonchalantly. 

"But..." 

"What?" 

"I'm... You're so... amazing and I'm just... boring old me. You could do so much better." 

"Oh please," Y/N smiled and stood up on her tiptoes to press a gentle kiss on his cheek. "You're perfect."

Masterlist

[teamkaiforever]

Fearless                  - PART II

Kai Parker x Reader word count : 2 316 * gif by lightwoodxalec ___________________

Three days later , after he finally worked up the nerve , he waited for her in front of Mystic Falls High School. Kai had cloaked himself , just in case any of his old frenemies showed up. The last bell rang and students started coming out of the school , books in their hands rushing to wherever they needed to go. He watched carefully , looking for her. Every time a girl with the same hair color showed up , his heart skipped a beat but it wasn’t her.  Kai waited and waited and then he saw her , coming out of the high school with books in her hands. She stumbled and dropped them and he rushed towards her , quickly lifting the cloaking spell he had put on himself. “Here. Let me help you with those.” he said , helping her pick up the books. Y/N looked up  , meeting his blue eyes and a wide smile showed on her face. He had come after all. Her heart fluttered seeing him again and all she wanted was to hug him. “I know it’s been barely two days since we last saw each other…” she said , tackling him with a hug causing all her books to spill out of his hands and onto the ground again. Y/N laughed nervously noticing the mess she had made again , but none of it mattered to her.  Kai wrapped his hands around her holding onto her tighter than ever , as if she’d slip away at any moment. “ … but I missed you so much.” “I missed you too Y/N.” he said , burring his face in the crook of her neck. Kai felt happy like never before , having her back in his arms. “We need to talk…” he said pushing her away with a serious look on his face. Y/N knew what that look was about and why he had come. It had been the only way to draw him towards her after she had heard his goodbye. No part of her wanted to let him go. “Yes , we do .. but not here.” She quickly gathered her books with Kai’s help and they headed for her car , since his was nowhere to be seen on the school parking lot. He probably hadn’t wanted anyone to recognise it and figure out he was back in town. They got in , as usual Kai had to pull her seat belt for her. Kai had thought she had been distracted at first but every time they were in the car together she somehow forgot to put it on and he had to go it for her. “Some things don’t change , do they?” he laughed nervously. “Can we go somewhere private ? I don’t want us getting interrupted… by anyone , specially not by your parents.” Y/N nodded and drove off to the woods in the far end of town , the exact opposite direction of her house. She parked the car , frowning at Kai’s serious expression. She poked him in the stomach , making him smile a little. He started getting out of the car and she followed him outside , leaning against the car door. Kai kept his distance and Y/N didn’t like that. She wanted him as close to her as possible.

“You know.” Kai said after a few minutes of silence. Y/N nodded. “When ? How ? Why haven’t you run away screaming or called your father or Bonnie ? If you know who I am then you know how dangerous I am … how much your parents and their friends hate me. You know why I had to leave Mystic Falls… If they find out I am here …” he swallowed hard , pushing away the thought of getting stuck in another Prison World again… away from her for all eternity. Y/N pushed herself off the car and shortened the distance between them. “Haven’t you figured out the why by now? Come on , you are smart. If you think about it , you will get the answer to that question. As for how - I wasn’t sure at first. You looked familiar so after I got to my hotel room , I just scrolled through all pictures on my laptop. There was this picture from ages ago .. from your sister’s wedding. My mother had told me the story many times , so had my father… but unless you haven’t figured that out yet - I don’t always agree with what they have to say. I am stubborn like my father and trusting , believing there is good in everyone like my mother.” she said taking another step towards him , until their bodies were barely inches away from each other. Y/N lifted his chin up making her look at him. “If I had thought you were dangerous or that you’d hurt me in any way , we wouldn’t be out here , alone.” Kai pushed her away. “No , Y/N. I …if your parents ever find out we even met , I don’t .. I can’t .. ” he sighed deeply. “I can’t get sent to another Prison World.  I won’t…” his voice breaking at the end. “Whatever friendship we have , it has to end. It’s better for you … it’s better for the both of us. I am not good for you.” “So you just came here personally only to tell me we can’t be friends? I don’t believe you.” Y/N said , hurt clear in her voice. Kai hadn’t come to town just to tell her off , there were phones for that , emails… video chats. She refused to believe that has been the only reason. “Fine. But if you plan on leaving forever , can we please just spend the day together ? One last day ?” “I know what you are doing , Y/N. We lived together for nearly 3 months… You are not going to change my mind.” said Kai , turning around to face her. The look in her eyes breaking his heart to bits. For a moment he wondered if he had figured out the why , but how can someone love him knowing all he had done ? Before, when it was just the two of them and he didn’t know she knew , there had been hope in his heart that maybe just maybe they could make things work somehow , but now ? How could they ever make things work ? He sighed. “Alright … one last day. What do you want to do ? We can’t go to the Grill or walk in the town square together…” Y/N smiled mischievously. “Can’t we ? I thought you were the ‘all powerful heretic , leader of the Gemini coven’ …” Kai laughed. He should’ve seen this coming. Y/N always had an answer or an idea about everything. He liked that about her. Now with him knowing that she knew about who he was and what he could do , there were endless possibilities for their last day together … Except he didn’t want it to be the last one and deep down knew she’d change his mind in the end. “Do you want to see something cool ?” he said , putting his hands on her waist. “Ready ?” Y/N nodded and he whooshed her a few hundred meters away , towards the waterfall near by. Kai let her feet on the ground , watching her amazed expression. He loved seeing the excitement and wonder in her eyes. He could finally be himself , 100% , with her. Kai held her hand , feeling her fingers intertwining with hers. “Let’s do something crazy …” she said , glancing at the edge. “Absolutely not.” he said sternly. “I am not risking your life -” “You are not risking it. I trust you , with all my heart and soul. Plus it will be fun.” Kai shifted nervously on his feet , his hands on his hips trying to look serious and to find a way to talk her out of it , knowing well there wasn’t one. Y/N always stuck with her ideas regardless of how ridiculous , stupid or dangerous they were. “If you don’t want to jump with me , okay … I’ll jump by myself.” she said running towards the edge. Kai caught her in mid-air pulling her back to solid ground about 20 meters away from the edge. Y/N looked at him innocently and turned her back to him taking a step backwards until her body bumped into his. She took his hands wrapping them around her. “You are crazy. Absolutely off the rocker crazy.” he said smiling , leaning in to whisper in her ear. “I think I might like you even more for that.” Kai tightened his grip on her and without any warning ran towards the edge. He could feel her heart racing from the adrenaline rush as they fell down , landing on solid ground a step from the edge. Y/N was laughing like never before , turning around towards him hooking her arms around his neck , knocking him onto the ground. Kai couldn’t help it , he laughed with her. “That was so much fun ! Can we go again ?” “No.” he said sternly , an idea forming in his head. “Invisique.” he muttered , cloaking them both just in case someone who’d recognise him decided to go on a hike in the woods. “We are now invisible to the rest of the world … which means we can sit together here without anyone seeing us and I can do this…”  He closed his eyes , sneaking into her head. “Now do you feel about a day in Paris?” he said. Y/N looked around , finding herself in a caffee near the Eiffel tower with Kai sitting opposite her , freshly baked croissants and coffee on the table in front of them. Kai was studying her face like never before. If it was really their last day together , he was going to make it as special as possible , completely unforgettable for her. “Wow … are we in my head or yours ?” he asked excitedly , poking at the croissant. “This is incredible. Can we go look around town ?” Kai nodded. “What about the Eiffel tower ? Can we go to the top ? ” Kai smiled. “Anything you want. Within reasonable limits of cou-” Y/N grabbed his hand pulling him after her towards the Eiffel tower. She had told him it was a dream of hers to go to Paris one day and clearly he intended on making her dream come true , even if it was all in her head. Kai couldn’t take his eyes off her ,she looked so happy and he got lost in the moment wrapping his hands around her from behind. “I can whoosh us to the top if you want.” Y/N shook her head. “We are going the old fashioned way. Up the stairs.” It took them a while but they got to the top , the sun had already set when they reached the top. Y/N leaned against the railing watching the city lights twinkle. Kai however was watching her, feeling how their last moments together were starting to slip away fast. “It’s so beautiful up here.” she said turning her head towards him. “Thank you.” Wind blew from out of nowhere , making her hair flow along with it. Kai felt drawn to her like never before. He didn’t want to let go of her. After all those years of loneliness he had finally found someone who excepted him completely , knowing everything he had done. There had never been judgement in her eyes , not before not now. Only warmth , love , hope … “Why are you looking at me like that ?” she asked noticing his longing look. Had he already figured it out ? she asked herself. Kai turned his gaze towards the city , not saying a word for a few moments. “Nothing , I was just thinking … I know I said I won’t change my mind but … I want to stay. I want .. I want to be with you , to be your friend .. maybe more. I don’t think I am ready for this to end.” he said dropping his gaze. Y/N reached for his hand. “It doesn’t have to end. You can stay.” Kai met her eyes , feeling electricity coursing through his veins from the place her hand was on his. They gazed at each other for a long moment , none of them willing to look away from the other. In that moment it all clicked for him. He knew why. Kai leaned in towards her , his eyes darting between her eyes and her lips and then he kissed her. A slow gentle kiss , enough to make him crave more and more. He pulled away , looking into her eyes noticing a smile spread across her face. “Took you long enough …” she said , snaking her hands around his neck pulling him in for another kiss. It was as if they were the only two people on the planet. Kai had wanted to kiss her for so long , now even if he wanted to leave he wouldn’t be able to. Not without her anyways. He had found his missing half and nothing was going to stand in his way. “What about your parents ?” he said pulling away. “Aren’t you worried what they  might say … or do ?” Kai didn’t care much about Damon or Elena’s opinion , but he was worried they’d separate them. Y/N shook her head , her smile never leaving her face. “We don’t have to tell them right away.” He smiled , brushing a strand of hair from her face gently brushing her cheek afterwards. “Time to return to reality … Are you ready sweetheart ?”   Y/N nodded , and he leaned in to kiss her again.

Y/N opened her eyes looking at the night sky , finding herself in Kai’s embrace , his hand brushing her hair as he leaned in to kiss her. His lips held her captive in a passionate kiss and she never wanted it to end. “The day I bumped into you on the street … turned out to be the happiest of my life. Until now.” he said softly.  "I am never letting you go again.“ ___________________________ MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017 ____________________________

[spudmcloughlin]

14, 20, 33 & 36 for "talk about" thing (◠﹏◠✿)

14: Talk about a vacation

Oh boy here we go. So we just got back from a vacation but I’d hardly call it a “vacation” cos the only one that enjoyed it was my dad and my mom and aunt made it more stressful than it should’ve been. That being said...

So we pack up the truck and drive for 4 HOURS just to get out of Florida. It’s fuckin huge and if you really tried you could probably make a trip from Tallahassee to Miami a solid 10 hours. We go up through Georgia and into Tennessee (and the whole time I’m counting the different license plates I see), and we stopped for the night at Athena Inn. Boy was that a fuckin mistake. The room was nice and the shower was fucking BOMB and there was a circle K right next to the motel where I got a Cherry Garcia but that’s about where the benefits stop. We got there at like 10:30 and settled into the room at 11 but what we didn’t realise was that there was a club next door. I was just too tired and fell asleep really fast but my mom apparently couldn’t get to sleep all night because of the people going back and forth from the club on the street and of course our room faces the street. So the inn itself was ok but it could’ve picked somewhere better to be. So then we drive another million hours the next day and stop in Cincinnati in the prettiest Embassy Suites I’ve ever seen. We went to dinner at this Firehouse Grill where we had like the best waitress ever and we kept seeing this other waiter just all grumpy and mad about something he looked like he wanted to burn the place down. That didn’t happen and I had the best chili ever. Not really but it was good chili. So then the next day WE GO TO KINGS FUCKING ISLAND. Of course my dad and sister and I went immediately to hit the Beast but it was closed so we hit the Diamondback and Mystic Timbers and THEN went on the Beast. My sister was near tears in the line but when we got off she begged us to go again. So we spent the day there and like halfway through the day we went on the log flume in Planet Snoopy which was a bad idea because for the rest of the day I walked around in soggy socks and tennis shoes. #worthit

We crashed at the hotel again and I took some of their conditioner the next morning before we left and we drove another couple hours to Tappan Lake because apparently Kings Island WASN’T the main part of the vacation. Dammit. My aunt and uncle have an RV in this trailer park in Literally Nowhere, OH so we camped in that for a week and a half. Oh and there was ZERO cell service. We did get out though, we ate at restaurants more than we ate at the RV. Father’s Day was on my grandpa’s birthday this year and since he just passed we all got together with all of the family at Tuscora Park. I saw cousins I didn’t even know I had. So I thought it was gonna be all about grandpa but nah we just kinda did our own thing. I went on this shitty roller coaster that probably could’ve broken my back if I went on it a few more times. Then the Shoe Incident.

My sister was playing with my little cousin Vivian and somehow Vivi’s shoe ends up on top of the pavilion we set everything up under. Since my sister and I are the tallest ones there probably, WE had to get it. I climb up and sit on my sister’s shoulders but I couldn’t reach it. My uncle gets an extension cord and tries to lasso it from a distance, then gives it to me to try to lasso it from up close. Nope. THEN AUNT LORI COMES BACK FROM HER CAR WITH A METAL DETECTOR. I get up on my sister’s shoulders yet again with the metal detector in my hand and I scrape the top of the roof with it and at this point my entire family has stopped whatever they were doing to watch us. I still couldn’t reach it so I tell my sister to get up onto the concrete foundation making us 2 inches taller. Let me repeat that. MY 10-YEAR-OLD SISTER STEPPED UP ONTO A 2-INCH HIGH CONCRETE FOUNDATION WHILE I WAS SITTING ON HER SHOULDERS AND HAD BEEN FOR PROBABLY A TOTAL OF 5 MINUTES. THAT BITCH MAY BE REAL ANNOYING BUT I WILL NEVER DENY HER STRENGTH. I scrape the top of the roof again and my mom yells that I got it, so I just keep doing the same motion over and over until FINALLY Vivian’s blue flip flop falls down onto the ground. You’re probably reading this and sarcastically saying “Oh sure and then everyone clapped” AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT BITCH MY ENTIRE FAMILY CHEERED FOR US BECAUSE WE GOT THE FLIP FLOP DOWN. And after that people started leaving and then my parents took me and all my siblings to my aunt Kathy’s house where we crashed for the night and ate all of her cookies (which were fucking amazing and she gave me the recipe for them bitchhhhhh). After that it was kind of a blur, I FORGOT TO SAY the aunt and uncle that own the RV also have a houseboat which my sisters and brother and I all stayed on for like 3 days and we were on the lake the whole time and when I went back to the RV it all felt super wobbly but bitch I got to swim in a deep-ass lake so it was worth it

When we left on Friday we went to North Carolina so my sister could see her internet girlfriend like bitch I should’ve been first wait your turn. She was super cute and kind of goals and we all went out to dinner together and my sister spent the night at her house while we all went to another Embassy Suites get rekt bitch. This one had a fucking RIVER RUNNING THROUGH IT. There was a big rock fountain and a ton of koi and a bridge and everything it was beautiful. We only stayed for a night though but whatever but then we went to Savannah, GA and walked around downtown which was cool bc there were street performers and painters and tons of people and it felt really lively. We went to a restaurant for dinner (go figure) and then got back to whatever hotel we stayed in and idk what we did really but then the next day we came back home and it felt really weird and I’m still adjusting to not having to walk down the street to use the bathroom and not having to press the button 80 times in the shower for the water to come on like I did at the RV park. Anyway yeah despite everything we did it was kinda sucky but if we were in a hotel the whole time instead of Literally Nowhere it would’ve been bomb. So that was my Ohio “vacation”.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school

Last year was my freshman year so I don’t have much but I made some of the best and the worst friends ever. I had an amazing geometry teacher and he made me really love that class, I had a friend that moved schools halfway through the year so that kinda sucked, I took college classes (I still am over summer ughhhh), I was on the swim team, I passed out (not in school) when it was hot, I had a huge hoodie on, I hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day, and I stood up real fast. I was at the swim club waiting for my sister’s practice to finish when I got up to get water and as I was going up the boardwalk stairs I felt lightheaded and my vision started to go, then the next thing I knew I couldn’t see anything and I felt something hit my leg (which was really me falling on the boardwalk). Then when I opened my eyes I had like 5 moms surrounding me asking if I was okay and what happened and do I need water and of course that stressed me the fuck out because I didn’t know what happened and I didn’t see my mom hovering above me like a vulture like everyone else was so I started crying. Then my mom finally came over and took me inside and the coach at the club got me a bag of ice and a Coke and I just kinda sat there for the rest of the time while my sister swam. Also side note I was carrying my phone when I passed out and when I looked over it flew out of my hand and it was by the door like what if some bitch took it while I was laying there unconscious for 3 seconds. So that was kind of the highlight of my year. OH also someone at school died of bone cancer on a Friday and then over the weekend a senior committed suicide so that was really fucking sad but then on either Monday or Tuesday there were  tons of sticky notes all over the lockers and around the school saying things like “you matter” and “you are loved” and that kind of thing and it was really sweet.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad

If I’m really upset about something, I’ll usually lay on my bed and cry for a bit. I don’t do anything to stop being sad I just let it happen. If I’m just feeling down for seemingly no reason, I leave my room, go downstairs, get water, do something that gets me out of my room and I would say I would take a walk but I really don’t. And sometimes I watch youtube because Shane’s giant cake videos are incredibly stupid and I love them

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures

Laying on my bed all day watching youtube or listening to music, not doing anything or getting up at all for any reason. Most likely it’s on a rainy gloomy day. Also baking. I can’t go a week without baking which was another reason the vacation kinda sucked.

Thank you for asking!!!

Talk about...

[easyobsession]

DWTS24: WEEK 1 (Lo Recaps)

WHAT IS UP YOU DANCE-LOVING BASTARDS? I WAS IN A CAR DURING THE PREMIERE TRAVELING HOME 13 HOURS FROM THE GODDAMN HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH AND ALAS, HERE I SIT TO TYPE THIS VERY POST. YOU ASKED FOR WEEKLY RECAPS, I WAS FLATTERED AND THEREFORE FELT OBLIGATED, AND NOW I’M GOING TO GET THIS DONE SO I CAN DRINK A DR. PEPPER AND TAKE MY PILLS LIKE THE 80 YEAR OLD I REALLY AM INSIDE. JESUS CHRIST, IT’S SEASON 24.

THIS RECAP STARTS RIGHT NOW.

 NORMANI AND VAL. QUICKSTEP. 7677=27/40.

Instantly, she’s the first one out of the gate so you know she’s gonna be lowballed. What shocked me was just how low they went- that was a theme of the entire night for me, actually. I thought for sure we’d see some 8s and maybe one or two 7s at most. I liked it, myself. Fun, fast paced, and it seemed to match her personality and turn a stuffy quickstep into something cool and funky to bring her fanbase into the show. I thought her form was pretty damn good and considering that Val doesn’t water shit down, Normani held her own.

NANCY AND ARTEM. VIENESSE WALTZ. 7777=28/40.

This was pretty much what I expected. It was nice, it was fairly clean and pretty and an awesome starting point. Artem riding in shirtless on a Zamboni and making them both super uncomfortable was a highlight of the night for me. On a completely different note, a lot of people are comparing Nancy her to fellow Olympic skaters and DWTS champions Meryl Davis and Kristi Yamaguchi. This is the portion of the review where I share why I find this to be complete and utter bullshit: Number one, Meryl is/was an ice dancer and competed her entire life with not only a male partner, but the same male partner. Big difference. Next! Number 2. Kristi yes, did compete as a singles skater as well and yes, is only a mere 2 years younger than Nancy. HOWEVER. THE KEY FACTOR HERE IS THAT KRISTI COMPETED ON SEASON 6 OF THIS STUPID SHOW. IN 2008. NINE DAMN YEARS AGO. If my math is correct (which is probably isn’t) she won when she was around 34 years old. Nancy is 45. AGE IS A FACTOR. IT ISN’T AGEISM, IT’S FACT. GIVE THE WOMAN A BREAK. I thought she looked nervous as hell, but really lovely. I think now that she’s got the jitters out, she’ll only go up.

CHRIS AND WITNEY. CHA CHA. 5444=17/40.

He… oh my lord. Don’t get me wrong, he seems nice enough. But aside from the obvious, things got so awkward after it was over and it was just uncomfortable. I think he was trying too hard to be funny and he was so nervous on top of it all and it just all didn’t add up. And god love him, he knew. He knew and them saying it just made it so much worse. The poor guy. I’m leaving it at that. He gave it his best effort and I can never give anyone less than a solid and sincere applause for that. Good for him for doing it.

BONNER AND SHARNA. CHA CHA. 6556=22/40.

Here’s where I walk boldly in front of the firing squad and take my stance without shame. You all know how much I hate a showmance when it’s not my own idea, and DWTS overdoes them like the blackened fish thing on the menu I saw on vacation. He’s insane for what he does, but it makes him happy and I can support that. But I’m already annoyed with this gimmick. If they have the chemistry, we’ll notice, but don’t try to force it just as an attempt to make us forget the obvious eye-fucking last season despite James having a girlfriend. I’m just sayin’. Overall it was alright. It felt a little too Magic Mike for me. He’s stiff and he was off count almost the entire time, which I basically already assumed he would be. He’ll never be great but he looks like Jackson Rathbone and I like how Sharna calls him “Bonnah,” so if they quit with the forced gimmick and just let shit happen naturally I’d probably be the captain of this goddamn ship.  Next.

CHARO AND KEO. SALSA. 6555=21/40.

THIS. WAS. SO GODDAMN FUCKING MUCH BETTER THAN I EVER COULD HAVE DREAMED. She remembered a good portion of the steps, she SOMEWHAT KEPT UP WITH HIM, she’s 66 goddamn years old- GOOD FOR HER. I cannot wait to see the shit Keo has to go through and the wide-eyed gazes he’ll have along the way. For what it was, I honestly can’t complain. Good on you.

NICK AND PETA. CHA CHA. 6666=24/40.

I got so pissed when I watched this, I swear to god, because I really wanted him to suck so bad that I could just rag on him until I was blue in the face but it was ACTUALLY NOT FUCKING BAD AT ALL. HE ACTUALLY HAS A LITTLE BIT OF RHYTHM. Peta is a national treasure, obviously, but this asshole, like… fuck, man. Honestly though, enough of the You’re In Love thing though, because literally NOBODY BELIEVES IT. INCLUDING YOU OR VANESSA. We all get it, we’ll put on our shocked emoji when you suddenly break-up after your contract allotted engagement period is over. You want attention. Just go into porn or something like you’ve still got some dignity and quit being annoying.

Ahh… it’s so good to be back. :D

HEATHER AND MAKS. VIENESSE WALTZ. 7777=28/40.

*singing* Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshit. I hate everyone. Go home. I already am home. Thank god, walking almost 30 miles in 4 days damn near killed me. Whatever. You could tell she was surprised and that she was upset not with the scores, but with herself for not getting better scores, which I hate. I’m hoping this is more of a strategy by TPTB for a Progressing Each Week storyline as opposed to Simone’s copycat The Best Since Night One story that mirrors Laurie’s. (No disrespect to Simone- but I’ll get to that later) Anyway, I thought it was amazing. Flawless? No. She was nervous just like everyone else, but she was far more comfortable up there than a lot of the rest and she and Maks looks fucking incredible together. Also she’s a knockout in yellow. I adore her. What else is new? Moving on.

DAVID AND LINDSAY. 7777=28/40.

I’m going to quickly say that it’s horse shit that Heather got the same score as him. BUT STICK WITH ME FOR A MINUTE. Heather was underscored like I under exaggerate when I say I’m kind of a nervous person sometimes, but this guy totally earned those 7s with a heart clap on the back. I was blown away in the best sense of the word. I had no clue who the hell this man is because the only thing I know about baseball is Mike Lawson and Ginny Baker (#Bawson WADDUP FAM) so I went in 100% blank and I really truly did enjoy this performance. I like his partnership with Lindsay, I love his attitude, and to top it all off he actually appears to be somewhat capable. I’m for it and look forward to more. YES.

ERIKA AND GLEB. SALSA. 6666=24/40.

Again, I thought she was lowballed. Since they are in no way alike, obviously I will now compare her to Amber Rose from last season, who I also thought would be pretty comfortable in front of the camera and shaking her booty like a boss if nothing else. Except Erika actually DID IT. She went out there and didn’t hold back and IT MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE PERFORMANCE. Did she know every single step? Nope. Was her form flawless? Nope. Could you tell she was nervous? Yup. Did she make plenty of mistakes? Absolutely. But she sold it and that makes all the difference. I like her. I like her hair. I like her sass. “Who doesn’t wake up every day wanting to win in life? You gotta put these people on notice. I’M HERE. HI.” Apparently I love the raunchy because I love it. Bring it fucking on, girlfriend. Werk.

RASHAD AND EMMA. CHA CHA 8788=31/40.

Good? Yes. A surprise? Kind of, considering he’s another athelete and therefore blank slate for me. Worthy of second place? Debatable. Worthy of beating out some of his competition like he did on the leaderboard? No. I’m sorry but no. He seems like a lot of fun and like a pretty nice guy, so I’m definitely a million times more willing to try than I was with Antonio or Von or Calvin because Rashad is far more inviting and approachable and easier to connect with. I’m optimistic. And congrats to Emma for finally getting a hunk to dance with! Enjoy the eye candy, girl! Apparently your and Sasha’s wedding gift is neither of you getting a shitty partner this season. I approve.

MR. T  AND KYM. CHA CHA. 5555=20/40.

….It was so sweet to see Robert in the audience. They’re very cute. And Mr. T… played the part well. And he… had a great costume. And he really tried. But worth a better score than Chris? Eeeeeeehhh. Not lower, of course, but 3 points higher? Really? Let’s all call a spade a spade, quit with the catchphrase, and move on with our lives, yeah?

SIMONE AND SASHA. TANGO. 8888=24/40.

…sigh. Okay. Let me explain this. I love her. Of course I love her. How could you not? She’s adorable. She’s a little awkward, kinda shy, super sweet, giggly, giant grin, complete doll that has skills for days. Her partnership with Sasha is incredible and she lights up the room. ….but other than her being 19 instead of 16…. It’s not even that I’m against her story, which I realize she can’t control regardless, but that’s not it anyway. It’s just that it was LAST DAMN SEASON. You have to put a break between them or it’s just unfair to everyone involved. And I’m going to be mad all season on her and Sasha’s behalf because of it, and I’m gonna be pissed as hell when all of her fans throw a royal fit in three months when she loses. Because I told you so. Someone get me a goddamn job at ABC, I’ll have this thing running like a well oiled machine within a few weeks. With Derek and Brooke gone, aside from Carrie Ann and the singers, the worst of the worst have already been tossed out on their ass. I’LL MAKE THIS PLACE WORTH MILLIONS, MILLIONS I TELL YA.

Okay, that’s it. I’m not even proofing this shit. I’m tired.

HMU on social media. @lauthom93 because I’m cool. The end.

Love, hugs, and my middle finger because it’s my life and my future employers hopefully never discover this blog,

Dueces.

[thenerdytomboynewb96]

Samantha Allan Park Ch. #20

Any references to TMNT or anything from popular media and culture is NOT MINE. I only own my OC's.

Chapter #20

*Monday August 4th, about 8:00p.m. At the lair*

“Is it starting yet?” Raph called out as he was lifting weights over near the dojo. “No, still interviews” Mikey sighed. “I know she said it would be on later because they wanted to edit the footage before it was all aired live, but this is ridiculous.” “Oh, that’s the design of her uniform, right?” Leo asked. They were now watching a man on the t.v. screen wearing a zig zagged shirt and pair of shorts where one whole side was red and the other black, exactly like Sam’s soccer uniform. “Oh that’s her coach!” Mikey called out, a smile forming on his face, hoping he would now finally get a glimpse of his friend in action. The man was being interviewed and had just been asked about his team and their absence from this year’s tournament.   “Yeah, I know how much they all wanted to be here, they’ve been training…heh, they’ve been training sine last year’s tournament. Last year we just missed getting our chance to move on to the next stage of the tournament, and my boys really wanted to avenge themselves from last year, but this crazy cruel world threw a lot of them some unfortunate curve balls within the past few days, literally days, and we had to cancel at the last minute. In honor of my team, I’m still here with the few teammates who were able to attend and we’re going to scope out the competition for next year where we’ll be ten times more prepared than we would have been, hehe.” *Interviewer*: “I see you said your boys, does that include your female player?” The coach rolled his eyes. “Of course that includes my female player. She’s a tomboy and would feel insulted if I didn’t include her as one of the guys. She was one of the many who had some unfortunate curve balls thrown in her direction, and I know she was ready to kick butt again this year. *sigh* this world makes no sense to me. Why these kids were ripped away from such an incredible opportunity for reasons they couldn’t even control is beyond me, but I hope these teams are all prepared for my boys next year, we’ll be back and kicking!”

The turtles sat in silence. They couldn’t believe what they just heard. “Mikey…” Leo stated, his face frozen as he stared at the television screen from his seat on the couch. Mikey sat there speechless, and all he could do was shake his head. Leo and Donnie both looked at their brother who was sitting on the end of the couch and their eyes went wide as they witnessed Mikey’s expression. “You mean you don’t know anything about this?” Raph asked as he walked over and stood next to the flat screen. He had heard the news from the other side of the room and instantly became concerned with the situation. “She never told me anything. The last time we spoke was Thursday night right before she left. I assumed that she hadn’t contacted me because she was busy practicing.” “Call her now” Leo commanded. Mikey picked up his shell cell and dialed his friend’s number…only to have it go straight to voicemail…three times in a row. Just then the police scanner went off. Officers could be heard talking about multiple robberies that had just occurred in the area but nothing was known about where the culprits went or where they were hiding. “We’ll worry about Sam as soon as we get back, but we have to deal with this first” Leo stated. The brothers nodded and they all ran to grab any gear they thought they might need.

*Moments later*

Donnie was parking the truck in a dark alleyway where it would be hidden from any wondering eyes. “Alright, I hacked the cameras closest to the locations of where the robberies occurred and the footage shows all the culprit cars leading here. There seems to be about six different cars, four small and two larger trucks” Donnie stated. “Let’s quietly look around and see if we can figure out where the thieves are hiding. Depending on the situation, maybe we can attack and tie them up and leave them here for the cops” Leo whispered to his brothers. They all nodded in agreement and the group soon exited the truck. They found a ladder along the side of the building and climbed up so that they would have a better view from the rooftops. The boys spread out some, looking for the trucks. It took a little while, but finally they were spotted. “There” Raph said, pointing downwards diagonally at a group of dark black vehicles that were slowly being driven through the back allies. The boys trailed the moving vehicles, using the shadows to hide their movements, and followed them to a large docking area. All six of the vehicles were there, and multiple people dressed in all black, including their masks, started getting out of the cars. Some had guns, and others had ninja tools attached to their outfits. “Foot soldiers” Leo whispered, “I wonder what they’re up to this time.” “This looks like an initiation” Donnie stated. “I’ve read articles about this. Just like how gangs have really messed up initiation rituals, the Foot will come up with various tasks that the newbies need to complete in order to be accepted into the group and to start earning Shredder’s trust. This fits the description of past initiations that I read in those articles. The task is usually something stupid and pointless, but a crime must still be committed. They all meet up and then a superior comes and evaluates them all at one time. Those who pass get to return to headquarters, and those who fail or try to bail out are usually killed, and that’s if they haven’t already been caught by the police. We should see a leader come out soon.” After a couple of minutes of the soldiers getting into groups and gathering their stolen materials, a soldier with a red band around their upper arm walked out of the lead car. “Looks like that’s our guy” Mikey stated. “What do we do?” Leo quickly tried to think up a plan. “We’re going to spread out and attack from all open sides. One side is useless to them because it’s nothing but water, so that leaves three more sides. There are solid brick walls on their left and right sides, so the only way for them to escape is by leaving through the entrance where they drove in. They were trying to hide, but instead they cornered themselves in. There’s about…28 of them total, so we should be able to handle them. Raph and I will block their exit, so Mikey and Donnie will attack form the sides. Got it?” “Got it” Mikey said with a nod. “Got it” Donnie said with a nod as well. “…” The boys all turned towards Raph. Leo waved his hand in front of his brother’s face. “Raph, you with us?” he asked, frustration in his voice. “…what?” Leo bit his lip as he tried to keep his cool. “Do I need to tell you the plan again?” Raph quickly shook his head. “No. I know, you and me in the front and the other two attack from the sides. 28 of them so 7 for each of us. Sorry just…I thought I saw something, but I’m good.” “Heh, what the heck am I thinking. Hell, how could I ever even think that? There’s no way…absolutely no way…right?” Raph thought to himself as he and the others walked to their positions. He kept telling himself no, but the sight down below kept making him think otherwise. The leader who was judging the new soldiers, they had a bulge under their right sleeve. Something thicker was under their sleeve and the shape that was seen seemed very familiar to Raph. Only the top part was thicker and it extended from the leaders fingers all the way down to their mid arm, almost like…like a glove or second sleeve underneath their uniform. Raph shook his head. He must have been insane to even consider the thought of Sam being involved with the group down below. Leo could tell that something was bugging his brother and he quickly glanced in the same direction that Raph had been looking, and that’s when he also noticed the bulge. Instantly he had the same thoughts as Raph but…he had to be wrong, right? She had just told them the stories of her family and how all their lives were either changed or stolen by the Foot…unless it was all a front. NO! How could he even think that? “It can’t be her” Raph stated softly. Leo turned towards his younger brother who must have easily read his mind in order for him to say such a thing. “I know…the timing is just really…ironic” he replied. He paused and closed his eyes and took a moment to wipe all these emotional thoughts from his mind before entering the battle. If Raph could read him so easily, something that was usually a difficult task for anyone to complete accurately, then obviously his emotions were affecting his tactics and skills. He opened his eyes, took a breath, and signaled to the brothers to attack.

“SHIT, RUN!” one of the male leaders shouted as soon as the turtles leaped down from the shadows above. The boys assumed that these newbs weren’t very skilled since they were retreating rather than advancing towards their enemy. This was a first for the boys, but that wasn’t a reason to allow the thieves to escape. Soldiers started running towards the vehicles while others starting attacking from afar, slowly moving backwards so that they could try to escape. Kunai knives and shuriken stars were hurled at the boys, but to the turtles this was just like basic training at home with Splinter. Raph started making his way over to the side wall where he saw the leader run and dash behind a dumpster. He wanted to trust Sam so badly, and if he was wrong then he would never disrespect her like this ever again…but he needed clear confirmation that this wasn’t her. He felt like shit as he started sprinting towards the dumpster, but he just needed to know. He sensed movement from up ahead and was able to dodge two large trash cans that had been launched up in the air that were about to crash down where he was running. When he looked forward again he was shocked to see the huge dumpster itself sliding towards him at rapid speed. He leaped and rolled away, wondering how the heck the supposedly human soldier was able to move an entire dumpster. That’s when he saw the leader running back towards the cars. Raph quickly got up and pulled out a chain-sickle from his side holsters and using all his strength he launched the chain and weight at the end towards the escapee, and it wrapped perfectly around their ankle as they collapsed. Raph smirked at the careless and distracted soldier as he quickly made his way over towards them. Of course they got themselves loose quite quickly, which was to be expected, but Raph was already swinging his sais at the leader. He was confused by this soldier’s tactic. Instead of trying to attack him head on, they were only fighting defensively. He also realized that the soldier hadn’t thrown knives or anything sharp at him when he approached their spot by the dumpster, but rather objects that might momentarily knock him unconscious. He tried to stay focused, but like his older brother said, everything was just too ironic. Since his opponent wasn’t moving towards him, he put his sais away and decided to use hand-to-hand combat skills. This way he could try to remove their mask and he could finally feel relief when being proven wrong at thinking this could be his friend. He noticed a pattern amongst the soldier in that they kept glancing towards the side, almost like they were trying to check up on their other soldiers. That was his moment. Raph waited for a clear moment to lunge forward, and just like he anticipated, the soldier glanced to the side and screamed ‘no’ as they saw a comrade get knocked out by Donatello from afar. Raph took advantage of this moment and he acted so quickly that he didn’t even have a chance to recognize the familiar voice. He put the leader into a headlock and swiftly removed their mask, and just like that, Raph lost all feeling in his body.

He couldn’t feel his arms to keep his hold on the girl, he couldn’t feel his legs to try and run away, he couldn’t feel any part of his body to try and attack or to run away. He was stunned, the sight in front of him shocking him to the point that he was frozen solid. His fear had come true. The person he had come to trust had lied. He wasn’t sure how much of it was a lie, but he knew that somewhere along the line everything had become a farce. He felt played, betrayed, and everything in between. He was instantly filled with anger, hate, rage, and he wanted to ball his fists up and throw a punch at the person in front of him because of it, but he was so frozen that he couldn’t even do that, and he couldn’t even feel the solid kick from the foot that was now connecting with his plastron. He was facing Sam, and he was now being attacked with a spin kick technique that he had taught Mikey and that had then been passed onto Sam.

The kick launched Raph backwards. It wasn’t as forceful as when the dumpster had been sent sliding along the ground moments ago, but it still knocked him off his feet and made him travel a decent distance away from his original spot. Even as the girl ran away, Raph couldn’t chase after her. He just slowly stood up, watching her run away and yell to the other soldiers to drive away and look at them with concern in her eyes. Why hadn’t she looked at him that way? When her face was revealed she had nothing but fear in her eyes, fear from being caught. And then when she kicked him, anger was etched into her expression, so why did she seem more concerned about these soldiers than she did about him? “It was a lie all along, all of it, and we all fell for it.” Raph thought to himself. Raph watched from afar as Sam gave instructions to the other soldiers before they all began to drive away. He then saw Leo run over and punch Sam in the forehead, knocking her out cold. He closed his eyes and hoped that this was all a dream, but his brother’s shouts and Leo’s commands woke him up, forcing him to return to this nightmare.

*Later that night, back at the lair* Themes: TOP-Oh Mom BAP-Voicemail Super Junior-Don’t Leave Me Lady Gaga-Million Reasons Hurts-Illuminated B1A4-A lie BTS-Let Me Know

Sam slowly started to open her eyes. She felt groggy and was grossed out by the faint smell of blood. Her eyes finally opened all the way and she realized where she was. Both her wrists and ankles were handcuffed and bound together with twist ties, and rope kept her back and thighs bound to the chair that she was sitting in as well. Her head tilted forward now that she had conscious control of her body movements, or at least the little bit of body control that she still had, and she recognized the room around her: the dojo. She winced as her head started pounding from the head movement even though it had been slow. “You’re lucky. I would have made the punch hurt way more” said a low and gruff voice from the round circular dojo entrance. Sam was afraid to turn her head and face him, so she kept facing forward. How was she supposed to look at Raph after what she had done? She wanted to explain everything to him now that her worst fear had come true, but she had a feeling that wasn’t the type of conversation he wanted to have right now. “Nothing to say huh? What, you run out of lies?” he asked, anger clearly stated in his tone. Sam paused and tried to choose her words carefully, trying her hardest not to set him off. “I don’t want to fight-” “Oh really?” he asked, sarcastically laughing, “you don’t want to fight? Huh, that’s odd, since you took all that time to train with us and have Mikey teach you pretty much all that we know, and then take that and add it to whatever you’ve learned from your pals over at Foot headquarters.” “I promise you that there’s an explanation-” “I don’t want to hear shit from you” he said as he slowly shook his head. “Do you actually think I’ll listen to a damn thing you say after that stunt you pulled back there?” Sam was trying to stay calm, but not being able to explain was really beginning to frustrate her. She knew this was all her fault, but she wanted to prove to him that things weren’t as they seemed. “There’s a reason that I pulled that stunt back there.” “Yeah, it’s called being a stone cold liar.” “It’s not that lies were being told, it’s that truths weren’t.” “Really? Because I was told, actually all of us including the man you call your best friend were told that you were heading to a soccer tournament, yet we hear on t.v. that you never showed up, and then where do we find you? Judging Foot soldiers while wearing a leader armband, which states that you’ve reached high ranks in the Foot clan, which means you’ve been there for a long time. Yeah Sam that doesn’t sound like lying at all.” “*sigh* you don’t know the full story Raph. And an armband doesn’t mean shit, they’re basically handed out to soldiers in the New York branch.” “You’d know, wouldn’t you?” “Shit” Sam thought. Already her frustrated emotions were taking their toll on her and she was thinking and acting based on them rather than with intelligence. “That’s now what I meant and you know it.” “No, no I don’t. I don’t know jack shit about you and your sappy sob story of a past, and I don’t want to.” Sam paused. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked softly. “It means that I see through your act and I know that everything you’ve ever said was nothing but bull.” She finally looked over at him and looked him straight in the eyes. “That’s not true, I swear on my life that’s not true.” “Sorry kid, I’m not trusting a damn thing you say anymore.” Sam began to clench her fists. It was one thing for him to hate on her (after all, she did deserve it) but she would not tolerate anyone speaking in such an ill manner about her family. “Raph, you have every reason to hate me, and I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I should have told you guys when I had the chance-” “Actually you shouldn’t have met us, ever. Heh, I knew I was right about you all along, but Mikey, the innocent idiot that he is, he trusted you. And then that made Leo want to attempt to trust you because ‘it would be safer for all of us.’ YUP. This is definitely safer! We let a Foot soldier learn our practice routines and we let them figure out where we live. I’ll go get my calendar and you can tell me what date to save for when the rest of your joke of a clan comes and visits my fists.” “…” “Silent again huh?” Sam couldn’t help but begin to glare at him. “I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this.” “Like what Sam? Pissed off that I openly let someone betray me? Frustrated that I kept telling people not to trust you yet here we are in the situation we all feared? Enraged by the fact that I believed all your crap about your dead siblings?” “It wasn’t crap” Sam snapped, moving her body as she tried to break free from these restraints. She was already getting choked up from the situation she was in, but all these chains and ties were making her feel suffocated. She realized her tech glove was gone, but there was still a small teeny tiny little needle inside her uniforms sleeve and she gently pricked her finger with it, waiting for the small drop of liquid to spread throughout her body. “Well how the heck would I know? Since you made it clear that the Foot were number one on your hate list and yet here you are wearing their uniform,” he said as he shook his head. “You must think we’re a bunch of idiots.” “Only when you don’t listen.” “Oh you want me to listen to you, just like how your ‘best friend’ did?” Raph said, holding up his fingers to make quotes as he said ‘best friend,’ “Wow, you took advantage of Mikey and his kind-hearted nature and you STILL want to attempt to make that plan work. I’m sure this is really going to screw him up. Here you had a real brother and you betrayed him for some fake ones.” Sam pushed her arms out and tried to break free again, but failed. “My brothers aren’t fake, everything I told you about them and their deaths was true.” “Come up with some new material” Raph snapped. Sam was really getting fed up with this. She didn’t want to hurt Raph, but he was really pushing her towards her limit. “You better watch your mouth.” “Or what? Are you going to put me in a fake grave as well? Dang, that’s lower than low. I’d be embarrassed if I was your fake siblings. Hell, I think I’d be happier being dead than having to live knowing that I’m related to you” he snarled. And that was it, the breaking point. The mutagen on the needle now kicked in and Sam had massive amounts of strength surging through her. It couldn’t be seen from the outside physically, but her actions made it known that something was wrong. Sam ripped her arms and legs through every rope, chain, and wire that had been holding them down. Her entire body was free, and now she was glaring at Raph as she paced back and forth on her side of the room. Emotions took over and reason was locked away from her thoughts. Reason was banging on the door, trying to be let back in, but rage was throwing a party and he was on a high that he wasn’t coming back down from anytime soon. “Woooow, true words from a sidekick. No wonder your own father didn’t choose you as leader. Your tactics are controlled by your anger and they make you look like an idiot, it’s comical” Sam barked. “They’re better than whatever techniques are being forced down your throat from the Foot” Raph barked back. “Really? Them why am I the one with a leader’s armband?” Sam asked, a wicked smile forming on her face. On the inside she hated what she was doing, but Raph had picked at her deepest wound, so she was doing the same to him, and this side of her was what was visible on the outside. “You think you’re so tough now? Because what I saw earlier was a wimpy excuse for a leader. You couldn’t even throw a single punch! All you did was cower in fear” he said as he started walking towards her. “Punches? Holy shit, you don’t think with anything but your fists do you? Another reason you’ll never be a leader! Enemies see through you when all you use is the same brute strength attack again and again. No wonder Shredder kicked your ass” Sam said as she also started walking towards Raph. They both walked forward and with their right arms punched each other square in the jaw. Both were taken aback, and if Raph was thinking clearly, he would have questioned how Sam was able to hit him with the same amount of power that he had hit her, and he would have also questioned how this punch hadn’t knocked her out cold like it always did, but obviously Raph wasn’t thinking clearly. “One crack on my shell is getting my ass kicked? Shredder must have you all types of fucked up to believe that.” “Takes a little bitch to know what it’s like to get fucked up, right Raph?” “Look at you trying to act tough, it’s as sad as the lie about your fake dead family.” “You know what they say about guys that talk big? They’re small in other places. Makes sense, trying to make up for what you don’t have.” “Oh I’m sure you know what plenty looks like after all you’ve done. I’m sure your innocence is just an act to, another mark on your list of lies.” “At least I could get some if I wanted to. You’ll be stuck down here for the rest of your life. Who the hell would be dumb enough to want you? You’d probably bore and then beat your woman to death since your fists are larger than your brain.” “Cut the act Sam. You’re so stuck between your innocent and tough guy acts that you’re just spouting a bunch of bullshit. You’re so broken that you don’t even know what you’re saying!” “You wanna see stuck? You want to experience being broken?! Well welcome to my life asshole!” It was like the flash ran by. Raph saw nothing but blue from Sam’s eyes before seeing nothing but black darkness. The impact from the kick sent him flying backwards so quickly that he literally saw nothing and wasn’t able to see again until he was on the other side of the room. At first he felt nothing, but within seconds he felt pain surging through his body. His chest hurt like crazy and his head was pounding like nothing he had ever felt before, and his shell, his shell was literally stuck in the wall. For the first time ever in his life, Raph was truly terrified. He kept trying to pull himself forward, but the kick had left him so weak that he could barely move. It was too late, but he was finally starting to think logically, and he realized how screwed he was. “What the hell was that?! How was she able to attack me like that? That speed, that strength! And I swear I just saw her brown eyes turn blue!” Raph thought to himself as he kept trying to free himself from the wall. *SLAM* A mix of fear and shock prevented Raph from turning to see the huge hole Sam’s fist had made in the wall, right next to where his head was. What he did see was that she had found her tech glove (it had been behind him on the weapons wall) and she was putting it back on. It was a bit different this time though. On the bottom of her forearm was usually just the black flexible webbed material, but now there was a thin metal strip that trailed down to the underside of her arm, and on the top part of her arm where the strip started was a small flat circular piece. He wondered what this was for and if this addition had anything to do with her new power, but his attention was very quickly directed back towards the girl as she began shouting at him. “God you’re such an idiot!” Sam shouted as she slammed her other fist against the wall near Raph’s head again, but this time on the opposite wall. “You can’t keep your mouth shut for like five god damn seconds to just let me explain!” She then took a step back as her hands flew up and grabbed onto the side of her head. She seemed to be in pain as the white sclera of her eye once again turned blue and her iris and pupil were both a dark solid black, all of her normal eyes colors instantly disappearing. Sam looked back up at and glared at Raph as her eye color started to fade back to normal. Raph felt a chill run down his spine as he saw the girl’s expression. He had never seen her look at anyone like that before and he knew that something was making her not like herself. He quickly began to have doubts about all he had said and he regretted letting his anger and confusion get the best of him, but the damage was done, and he knew that whatever came next was all his own fault. “Why…Why can’t you just learn to shut up and listen?!” Sam shouted, still standing in place where she was now a few steps away from Raph. “Do you honestly think I wanted this? You think that I openly joined that shitty clan? I’d rather die than loyally join them! But you wouldn’t know that because you can’t keep your mouth shut!” Sam now slowly started walking forward. “Sam, wait-” “SHUT UP!” As Sam screamed out, forceful wind gusts flew out to the sides of her body. “You don’t know anything, god there’s still so much that you don’t yet know and understand. But hey, months of getting to know someone obviously doesn’t mean shit to you. Someone telling you about the most terrifying and scarring parts of their life obviously DOESN’T MEAN SHIT to you. Watching someone breakdown in front of you, open their heart to you, you saw all of that fist hand, and how do you react? You degrade that person’s family and call them a liar! This is why I didn’t come to you guys in the first place, I knew you would react this way, ESPECIALLY YOU! I knew I made the right decision when I did and you’ve given me all the proof I need that I never should have trusted you EVER. You know how trapped you feel right now, that fear of not being able to control a damn thing that’s about to happen to you? I’ve been living that way since Thursday night. Wrong, I’ve been living that way my entire life! You’re right, my life is so fucked up that I am broken, and now you’re going to know what it’s like to be broken to.” Raph’s eyes went wide as he saw Sam take quick steps towards him as she lifted her arm up, ready to throw another nasty punch at his face. She moved quickly, but not quick enough. Mikey had suddenly appeared and hooked his arms within Sam’s and with the momentum of her movements, he was able to forcefully pull her back. She stumbled back a few steps and instantly her expression softened as she saw him, but before she could react any further, Leo had jumped in and kicked her with as much force as he possibly could. Sam was sent flying towards the other side of the room and crashed into the wall. Her head was pounding and her back was as sore as ever. Again, before she could react in any type of way, Donatello had rushed over, and using his bo staff, he pushed Sam up and was pinning her neck against the wall, suffocating her as he did so. “Oh my god…” Mikey mumbled, barely able to speak from the shock he was in from the sights in front of him. “Raph? Raph?!” Leo shouted as he tried pulling his brother out of the wall. Mikey aided his older brother and within another minute Raph was free. He collapsed under Mikey’s hold once he was free. He was conscious, but just barely, and he had no real control over his body at the moment, all his energy focused on just keeping himself awake and conscious. Donnie finally eased up and let Sam’s body fall to the floor with a hard thud. She gasped for air as color returned to her face. Donnie and Leo quickly switched spots. Donnie rushed over and began looking Raph over for any major injuries. He checked his pulse and it seemed rather high, but it was gradually steadying back to normal. He then pulled out a small hand held x-ray device and checked to see if his brother had any serious internal damage. Luckily nothing was broken or torn which meant that he might have some serious sores and bruises, but nothing life threatening had happened to him. Hearing Donnie sigh out in relief signaled to Leo and Mikey that everything was going to be okay, but that relief quickly switched back over to rage. Leo looked down at Sam who looked like she was about to stand up, that is, until a katana was pulled out and the blade was placed in front of her face. Sam looked up at Leo and then back over at Raph. “No…” Sam was mortified. Even though Donnie had signaled that Raph would be okay, she knew that nothing was truly okay in this situation. She couldn’t believe what she had just done. Even if Raph had acted like a prick, he was still her friend, he was her brother, how could she have let herself get so carried away? How could she let her emotions get the best of her like this? “Don’t say anything” Leo snarled. Sam had never seen Leo or Donnie look as vicious as they did now, and she couldn’t even look at Mikey in fear of what his expression would reveal. “I can explain-” “I said don’t talk!” Leo shook his head. “You never could listen, could you?” Sam’s hands were shaking like crazy, and she was sweating more than she ever had in her entire life. She felt so many emotions, but more than anything she was afraid of losing everything she had just finally found. She needed these guys, she needed this family, HER family…or at least what was her family. Sam kept trying to explain, things just couldn’t end like this, not without the guys at least understanding the reasons for why all of this chaos had happened. “Leo please,” Sam softly said “I can explain-” “I don’t want to hear your explanation, it’s too late for that. We leave to go discuss how we should handle ‘you,’ and we have to rush back because you can’t control yourself. I don’t know what is and isn’t true about you anymore, but I WILL NOT give you any more chances to harm my family.” He spoke in a bitter tone and never ceased from holding his katana right in front of her face. Sam knew that she had hurt everyone in the room one way or another and that she had no right to speak or to fight in defending herself, but right now she was so desperate to not lose these guys. She needed them whether they wanted to believe it or not, and she wasn’t leaving without sharing her side of the story. “Leo please just listen to me, I didn’t mean for this to happen. The reason I hid from you guys was to prevent this from happening.” “Because that worked” Donnie said maliciously. Sam had never heard him talk in such a tone before which emphasized how out of control things had become. “I’m sorry…” “You think an apology is enough to fix this?” Donnie asked sourly, scrunching up his face as he glared at her. He shook his head at her. “You can’t undo this, you’ll never be able to get past this, and we’ll never forgive you for this.” “I know, but please-” she begged before getting cut off. “Then you know it’s time to leave.” Sam rapidly shook her head. “No. Not yet, not without at least explaining-” “We. Don’t. Care” Leo stated cruelly. Sam balled her hands up into fists. “After all of that, I’m not leaving until you at least know why it happened.” Sam was beginning to grow a temper again. She fought as hard as she could to control it so that she wouldn’t hurt anyone else, but nothing could prevent the sour tone that was now coming from her own voice. “If you dare to even raise a fist, I’ll cut it off” Leo stated through gritted teeth. “I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how you would react so I thought-” “Just get out Sam!” Donnie shouted. “No! Not until-” “Just go,” Mikey mumbled out as he stared at the floor in front of him. And that was all that needed to be said. Sam quickly glanced over at her friend, searching for a sign that he didn’t mean what he said, or even that she had misheard him. But she heard him correctly, and for the first time ever since they had met, Mikey was kicking her out. This was the final blow, the breaking point, the act that sent her over the edge. Those two words were all that needed to be said to signal to Sam that this was the end. After everything that she had shared with the turtles, after the tears she had shed in front of them, after all she went through in opening up to them and telling them the entire truth about her past, the only people she had ever confided in with such details would no longer be part of her life, ever. Once she left the room she knew she would never see or talk to them ever again. It would go back to how things were before she had met them, but this time it would be even worse. She had gained four more brothers, and once again her family was being ripped away from her thanks to the Foot clan. There was still so much they didn’t know, but none of that mattered now. She knew that they didn’t care and they never would and they just wanted to make her a made up bad dream of the past, and she decided that she better start living with that mindset as well as she stared at the floor and slowly began to rise to her feet. She didn’t speak and her hands weren’t shaking anymore as she stood up and began walking towards the exit. She made sure not to look at any of the boys as she left, knowing it would instantly lead to tears flowing from her eyes, so she stared straight ahead and exited the room without ever looking back once. She hoped and would have begged for any of them, especially Mikey, to have stopped her…but not a word was spoken as she walked towards the exit.

After Sam had left the room, the dojo was filled with nothing but silence. The usually loud and chaotic room was now so silent that you could hear a pin drop. All three boys helped get Raph to his room and by that time he was starting to recuperate some. Once that was settled, all four brothers wondered off to their rooms, each wanting to be alone after all that had happened that night. Each one would view and handle the situation differently from the others, which unknowingly would lead to more tension, but for now, they all just wanted to be by themselves and try their best to control their emotions and their thoughts before it led any of them to do something they’d regret.

 Author’s Note: Sorry this chapter is so short. This was originally supposed to be part of the previous chapter, but after I had planned everything out I felt that it would be best to write them separately.

I hope you guys liked this chapter. I’ve been anticipating this part of the story for a while now and I can’t believe I’ve actually reached this point in the story. I’m sorry if it’s rude to ask this, but if possible could you guys leave some type of feedback as to how you felt when reading this chapter? I try my best to keep the turtles in character and if possible I’d like to know if it seems that I’m still doing that or if it seems like I’m stretching things a bit, like to a point where a reader would think “whoa there’s no way so-and-so character would say/do that!”

Also, was the fighting and arguing scene alright? I wanted it to be intense and rough because that’s what this whole situation is and it’s going to have a huge impact on the turtles and how they handle what has happened, but at the same time I didn’t want to go overboard and make Raph and Sam seem like twisted psycho killers or anything like that. I really wanted to hone in on how each character would feel and would react in these moments, so hopefully the way the fights went down was alright for you guys.

Again, thank you guys for sticking with me so far and your feedback means the world to me it truly does. I’ll see you guys again in the next chapter J