#and wanted to be washu so bad

[sleepyhouse2art]

my 90s faves

i know outlaw star was 2001 but melfina is too pretty i had such a crush on her

90s anime women were so fucking beauitful god bless. i miss them so much

[deedis]

HOOLLY SHIT AREEBA YOURE THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD I'VE EVER KNOWN WHO HAS ACTUALLY ALSO SEEN IT... it was my first anime when i was like 11 i was so obsessed with it i still own both seasons on dvd and want to rewatch it so bad i remember season 2 lowkey pissed me off but i think i was just mad my yuri were separated i need to rewatch with a more open heart

SASAMI IS SUCH A CUTESY FIRST ANIME TO HAVE... MAGICAL GIRL ANIMES ARE LIKE GATEWAY DRUGS!!!!!!!!! to both anime.......... 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔶𝔲𝔯𝔦. I NEED TO REWATCH IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think washu and that Creatures dynamic was my fav........... i kidn of saw the sasami misao slash but to be honewst i didnt like misao. so i was against the yuri. in fact maybe its why im incrediblyhomophoibic today. But I'm willing to approach her once more with an open mind and heal. THINKING ABOUT IT IS SO NOSTALGIC.......... CYRUS ITS SO AWESOME THAT WE HAVE THIS IN COMMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY SINGLE OTHER PERSON I KNOW WHOS WATCHED SASAMI IS MY SISTER!!!!!

[your-dear-memmy]

Tokyo Ghoul:re ending thoughts +Juuzou meta p. 2 

[Sooo I just finished Tokyo Ghoul:re and I've got quite a lot on my mind abt the last arc bc this series has consumed my brain]

Warning: SPOILERS!!

I've heard plenty of people complain about how rushed it was, and while reading the ending I didn't think it was too huge of an issue, but man do I feel unfulfilled right now. The dragon arc went by so quick that it's like nothing ever happened at all, and most of its emotional weight was lost on me. 

But first of all, I want to talk about the Implications. 

What is up with the Dragon's orphans slowly gaining the intelligence of 5 year olds, and the characters speculating that was how ghouls were born?? what?? how was that just merely mentioned, why was it only glossed over?? My mind EXPLODED at that notion. 

Is there gonna be a new species of ghouls now that will gain the same intelligence as ghouls and humans, while still posing a threat? It became all about changing the world in the end, but it just seemed to really center around Kaneki’s own happy ending, because these implications for the world are astounding. Certainly, what Kaneki truly wanted was to keep his loved ones safe, but what I mean is that the consequences for the world as a whole aren't as positive as they're presented to be.

IT FEELS LIKE EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO THE START!!

Maybe these dragon orphans are supposed to represent a vicious cycle of life and war or whatever, but that wasn't really explained because they're just THERE. It feels like the war was all for nothing because now there's new enemies people are losing their lives for, and are being trained at academies to engage in combat with. Perhaps they're new enemies that kill parents of children that go on to become new-age "investigators" to avenge their families, like it used to be against the entirety of ghoul-kind.

It's obvious not every ghoul would play along so it makes sense there are still some harmful ghouls, but these dragon things gaining intelligence is seriously mind boggling. Wdym that's how ghouls were born?? And yall are exterminating them? Why are they attacking?? 

I feel like my time just got wasted cuz what do you mean these new enemies are getting smarter? Will they reach the iq of a real person soon enough? WHAT DO YOU MEAN they're starting to look more and more like humans? 

Is there gonna be yet another one eyed king to make peace with the dragons, the ghouls and the humans?? Is it necessary for this common enemy to still have to tie them together post-war? 

Why does it sound like a shitty set up for another sequel when we know damn well Ishida never wants to do anything with manga anymore, since he talked about how stressful working on Tokyo Ghoul has been for him? If it was a philosophical choice, then Im afraid I did not understand it, though I’d certainly love to.

That aside, in regards to the ending I have to say I liked the emotional weight of the discussion between Donato and Amon (what was even the point of Takizawa being there?), as Amon finally admitted he still loved his “father” despite his absolute evilness, and Donato actually loved him as well. 

The Uta vs Renji was cool ig though it didn't truly feel like there were any stakes (I can't say I mind them becoming rivals once more but it certainly could’ve been done better, as the clowns have been hyped up for SO LONG…), and I couldn't bring myself to be sad about Irimi and Koma when they were brought back for basically one panel and died the next, even though I really liked them :-(

I was kinda chilling with the Furuta fight, and I guess Furuta wishing in the end to have a normal life was a sign that it truly did all stem from his Washu inferiority, though he remains very weird for wanting to have children with an unwilling Rize. (The Dragon Rize stuff was epic) Overall, Furuta was a cool villain, so it's fine. His opaque motives and his monologue are not too bad at all.

I'm conflicted about Mutsuki’s role in the ending and how they behave after succumbing to and accepting their trauma. Their story is truly tragic and I understand the psychological reasoning as to why they’d latch onto Kaneki and lash out (they also sa’d Uta apparently, believing him to be Haise’s corpse? Uta changed his face shaped another time as well, so I do believe that was him), but them suddenly being badass once they remembered their trauma isn't really my cup of tea (which is ironic considering how many times Kaneki himself got “being suddenly badass because of trauma” moments) I liked them and the portrayal of their mental instability in the island arc but afterwards I didn't care much for them.  

Also did I miss something or are Amon and Akira not in the end?? Am I tripping??? Maybe some chapters didn't load because why wouldn't they be there? I'm so confused. Amon and Akira have def been in my top 5 favorite characters of the entire series, so safe to say I'm very puzzled.

Takizawa fading into obscurity is just so sad thatt I don't even know what to say, he just came back to watch and then do his thing after he was tortured and sa/d by Kano into being how he is now. Not everyone's gonna get a happy ending, obviously, but damn😭

One of the best parts of :re was most definitely Urie’s character arc- everyone's character arcs, really!

Tsukiyama’s character arc was spread onto the whole series, and tbh I completely dig it, even though the Tsukiyama raid arc probably could’ve been done even better. At first I thought he was gonna groom Hinami, but he turned out to be an actual gentle”-flower-man” lol. I like him!

Arima’s tragedy was so beautifully done, I swear. Def one of my absolute favorite parts, if not my favorite. It lives in my head rent free. 

I literally gasped so hard when it was revealed who Hide had been hiding as the whole time, Ishida's foreshadowing is truly insane. I already knew he was alive, but I was still surprised. He started to feel sm more like a concept tho, if that makes sense, haha.

And finally, my son: Juuzou Suzuya .

People were a bit harsh on Juuzou’s ending, I think, though I can definitely understand why!  

I don't think Juuzou understood what Marude really meant about making his own decisions- at least, not at first.

Juuzou is 29/30-ish I think, in the ending?? He's been working so hard all these years, just for Shinohara, to become him as if that's what he wanted from him.  Or so, that's the last we see of of his motives, though that's before the dragon war, so years back.

After the dragon war, his development feels null because it wasn't fully explained: we aren't told whether juuzou reflected on Marude’s words and decided to stick with the new ccg because he wanted to for himself. We aren't told whether Juuzou developed a sense of justice, and that's why he does what he does, or if that's what he thinks his assigned purpose is and he's simply just sticking to it because he thinks that's what shinohara would've wanted, or he simply doesn't know what else to do with himself. We don't know whether he actually embraced his scrapper/slaughterer role (as I said in my other meta) in a healthy manner or if he just stuck with it because that's what he's been all his life and he doesn't know how to be anything else.

We can speculate, but that brings it back to Shinohara. No manner how you look at it, if Juuzou hasn't reflected on himself and his motives after all these years, then meeting Shinohara once more would shatter his expectations, as it wouldn't just be happy tears and such. That's the man he's fought for for so, so long, and it's really hard to think of how their relationship would be. During those years, Juuzou idolized Shinohara a lot in his mind, which is why he initially wanted to be him. He loved Shinohara, and so what Shinohara stood for must've been, by proxy, just. So, if Juuzou hasn't removed himself from his delusion by actually maturing past the point we see him in before the :re time skip, then it's not gonna be as pretty for him because it wouldn't match his built up expectations, and that's why I find it rather bittersweet.

For someone so traumatized, I don't think Juuzou could ever fully recover, as trauma alters the brain; but, for the sake of my sanity, I'll think he chose to keep fighting for himself rather than because that was the role he was put in. I want to believe he's found how to be his own person, and just likes working together with his squad AND also sees Shinohara on a weekly basis. I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT💔💔

[With that said, I've been scavaging Ao3 and soon fanfic.net for fanfictiona to quench the void in my heart, but there aren't many that are Juuzou centric. I shan't give up just yet, though! Maybe I'll find one that'll make me feel less bittersweet about Juuzou and Shinohara!]

[hardworkandguts]

Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki

天地無用! 魎皇鬼

(OVA 1 to 5)

Galactic Harem by Masaki Kajishima

Era: 1990s - 2020s

Rating: C (A, B, C, D, nr )

Plot: Tenchi Masaki grew up intrigued by the old legend an demon sealed in a cave by one of his ancestors near his family's temple. One day during summer vacation he finally gets the keys to enter the cave, and has an encounter with the mummified demon. Hurriedly scrambling back to the entrance, he reseals the door, but some time later at school he has a surprise - the demon is waiting for him, and rather than the giant of legend it has the form of a cute but very pissed teal-haired girl called Ryoko who might not be a demon at all.

Length: 30 episodes (~30 minutes)

Thoughts: Right, Tenchi Muyo is something I've been hearing about since anime became "a thing" here, but didn't pick it up until now mostly because there's really a lot of stuff to see and different continuities and the complaints about wild shifts in quality in the series seem to be even worse than what Gundam fans go through, another series that I was hesitant to pick up for the same reasons. Heard the original OVA is unanimously good, so might as well start there. I do like the fakeout from "ancient demon" to (does pose) "aliens" and the cast slowly grows as Tenchi and Ryoko are soon joined by Ayeka, who after hundreds of years chasing Ryoko sees her statute of limitations expire just seconds after finding her (not that it will stop her), and her little sister Sasami. After crashing in a reckless re-entry forced by Ryoko, the four are forced to regroup in Tenchi's grandfather house, and at the point the plot becomes clearer and where and why does Tenchi fit in the middle of all this, by the point he has to answer his calling. Before jumping into 2, there was an extra episode that really cemented it as a cornerstone of "harem anime" as A Thing, with Ryoko, Ayeka and Sasami joined by late additions to the cast, Mihoshi, a galactic cop who has a reputation worthy of the Lovely Angels, who Tenchi saved after crashing her ship and Washu, a top scientist and technically Ryoko's mother, trapped by the big bad Kagato, and now they're all fighting for Tenchi's attention. All in all, visually isn't quite movie quality, but good for a OVA, characters are quite expressive and it doesn't like it skimped on animation, and yeah, I can see why people really like it, it's well worth watching (A).

Moving on to the second OVA, released one year later in 1994, it's now on full harem mode for the first half of the story, with three separate episodes of them still living together in the mountains, and the last three about a new threat in the form of an old rival of Washu, and the arrival of the Jurai royal families. As far as production goes, it's around the same level, but doesn't seem to have a bigger purpose than "people liked the first, let's give them more", expanding the backstory of the characters and with more harem hijinks. But you know what, if people want more fun, give them more fun, because that's what it still is (B). By now, Tenchi Muyo was established as a phenomenon, and focus shifted towards a different continuity in the TV versions, as well as adding to this continuity, and it would take until 2003 before the third series of OVAs, where we get to see more of Tenchi's family along his arranged fiancée (as you can imagine, to the delight of Ryoko and Ayeka) and a slightly confusing ending that advances the story a bit more, but couldn't help but feel it should have taken more than a single episode and the additional one to set the next series to sort it out. It's true the villains are rarely a real threat here, but it would have helped to give the three goddesses part a bit more time. Given the time jump, unsurprisingly it doesn't look quite the same and visually feels a bit uneven, some bits even feeling a bit cheaply animated. All in all, I can see cracks appearing in the concept, but for now I'll keep going along (C). If it took 8 years for the third OVA, the fourth would take even longer, and now firmly on what would be a Thursday post, from 2016 we get another 4 episodes, based around Nobuyiki's marriage to Rea, and everyone gets back together. Even characters from Tenchi Muyo GXP, which shares the same continuity, and... for a moment I thought either the modern art style was throwing me off, I'm even worse at paying attention to minor characters than I thought, or my memory is so busted I can't even recognise characters I've seen in the previous three days. Considering the point on watching the OVAs was not dealing with the TV stuff, suddenly being required viewing to understand who those people are is hardly ideal. Also not exactly happy with also taking the focus of the story away from Tenchi / Ryoko / Ayeka, who get very little to do between countless scenes of plot dumps - I'm not at all opposed to slower stuff and would be fine with 4 episodes of harem hijinks and chill carrot farming, but this just feels dead, like watching the wedding video of someone you just kinda know and some extremely dull court procedure. The new art style is, well, modern, but there's so little happening it might well have just been keyframes. At the end, it felt like watching a different show (D). It would take a lot less time to get to the final (at this point) OVA, in 2020 we get the continuation to the story of Kenshi going into his mother's dimension, and I really considered dropping it at this point, but with just 6 episodes left, might as well finish the thing, more out of obligation than any desire to see where it goes. Wrong. WRONG. After 30 more minutes of talking around a table, and more people out of nowhere, I just decided to cut my losses and admit this isn't for me anymore. My time is worth shit but I'm not going to spend 3 hours with more of this just to give it another D or an F, or even consider the old "watch at double speed to get it done". I don't oppose the idea of the OVA as a way to get you into other stuff (usually the manga) but it's a miserable failure at even that. Adding a slight nod to make you curious? Sure. Change the whole thing to set up other series? Yeah, I'm out.

All in all, from the first two, it's a good OVA but beyond that, I feel it was constantly running out of ideas of what to do with the core characters, and so adding new characters and making a convoluted world where every character, from great-grandmothers to great-granddaughters looks between their late teens to early 30s, and the better thing would have probably been to let things rest with the third and move on to a different continuity.

Recommended to: watch the first three OVA, then watch the rest of you want to get angry at the creator.

Plus:

It looks pretty good in the first two OVA

Genuinely funny at times

Minus:

It sometimes seems to run out of ideas for the main plot... or having that many.

4 and probably 5 tries to tie too many loose stories from several sources together, and becomes just a slog.

[fairymermaidfloor]

the little mermaid pt. 1

❁ featuring —> xiao x gn!mer!reader 🎐:;

❁ warnings —none 🎐:;

❁ notes —> first writing post woo!! i hope y’all enjoy and sorry if this is bad omg, also I made xiaos s/o have a prettyyyy decent personality for a char?? I could have still worked on it, but I didn’t (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`) anyways hope this was good!! And I’ll try and make a part twoooo 🎐:;

part 2 || part 3

You were in your human form when Xiao first saw you, and to take it lightly, you were stared at. A lot.

You weren’t used to your legs.. so you just walked all wobbly and weird, every step you took could have ended with you falling face first into the road.

Xiao didn’t want to do anything with you. But you just so happened to get into the Washu Inn.

Verr Goldet asked Xiao to look over you, because obviously, she was worried for you..

Xiao recutanly did so.

“Hey. You. What are you doing?”

He isn’t the nicest. But, he was also wary of you. You look completely different from anybody here. And you might even turn out to be apart of the Fatui.. after all they came here not long after you. He could not allow somebody to wreak havoc any longer.

“Oh.. uhh.. walking? Or at least.. trying too.. first time in a while..” you answered sheepishly.

Odd. He continued the enquiries. “And what business do you have?”

“Um… nothing much.. I’m looking for my sisters.. and something else..” You tried to peer away from he’s pernicious gaze.

Xiao then started to become more blunt. “Are you with the Fatui?”

“Uh- no?? Who’s that??” You were getting even more fretful, and annoyed.

It went silent for a while and before you could speak up, he did. “Great. Then I’m done here.” And just like that the gaze was gone and so would he.

Xiao turned to leave until he heard your voice again.

“Hey wait!!” You tugged at his long sleeve, quickly getting a glare yet again. You felt a shiver down your spine, but you tried to fix your posture. “Now you answer me. Who are you and why are you questioning me?”

He continued to glare at you once more, “Xiao. And I’m just here to check up on you-“

“Meaning small?”

“What.”

“Your name. Xi-“

“Don’t. Say it.”

“I was just gonna say your name! Not your height or anything!”

“I didn’t say you were gonna mention my HEIGHT.” He pulled away he’s sleeve.

“Well.. sorry.. but your it is indeed quite iron-“

“Tch. Shut up you Mortal.”

“... Mortal!?!?”

“Yes. You mortals are getting even more and more nee-“

You snapped. How can this guy just come up and dare to try and insult you! And even ASSUME. “H-How dare you!! I am NOT a mere mortal!! I’m one of the most powerful hydromancy mages in history!! My sisters are uhh… ohh..” You quieted down

“...”

“... uhh..”

“Who are you exactly?” He was piercing dangers at you.

“I am.. a mermaid adepti.. Y/N, and my sisters are Sonnet, and Canon. And those are the only adepti I know,, but I’m guessing you're one as well?”

“... Yes.”

You were immediately intrigued, you never met another adepti besides your family! You kept on pestering and pestering him, no matter how scary he may seem, you were just so very excited..

In the end, Xiao ended up helping you, because he’s one of the only ones who knows he's way all around Liyue, and you desperately need the help.

They couldn’t find your sisters, but you found clues that they may be in Inazuma or Fontaine.

Despite how bratty, arrogant, and stubborn you can be.. you're actually fairly nice, thoughtful, and expetenatiolly loyal. He liked that in you. And even.. more than liking you as a friend.

He fell in love with you

At first he denied it, he doubted you were merely a dream. A hallucination. But all the times when the sun went down, and half-awake you sang to him that oceanic melody. Or how you blubbered at him to be more attentive and nice to others because saying that idiotic reason that ‘they are your people too’. Or when your bombastic plans kept getting them in trouble which made the nations eyes glance at them. It was not a dream. But a wish came true.

You made he’s heartbeat, a rhythm that he had never felt before.

Like a rock stopping down a lake.. and then falling deeper, and deeper, in to the water that was his heart.

And for a few minutes, the karmic bind became loose threads dancing with the wind.

You were crossing over to Sumeru on a boat, after a few people told you guys how the oldest sister was staying there to do some business.

“Hey so.. Xiao..” You were in where your mermaid form.. swimming next to a boat that Xiao was occupied in.

“Yes?” He looked over at you, with a much different tone he’s eyes put on when you first met him.

“I feel like I’m being pretty dishonest to you..”

He’s heart stopped. Oh no. Would you be gone? Did you betray him? What’s going on. “What is it.” The tone of his eyes changed again.

“I haven’t actually told you the truth..” Ashamed, you turned your head and tried to face him. “I didn’t tell you why I’m looking for them…”

He looked over at you, confused. “What? What do you mean?”

“Well.. to be honest I’m not so sure, but, this necklace is a curse.” You touched that suffocating thing. “I can’t take it off, and I need my sisters to. Because well, if I or somebody falls in love with me, or just.. KISSES me, either them, or me, are forever doomed for damnation. And I..” Tears streamed through your face, tears of anguish. “I love you Xiao!! So PLEASE, if this doesn’t work then you’ll have to leave.. far.. far, away..”

He’s eyes widened. What. “You're cursed. WHY!?”

“Wish I can tell you.” You sighed. “If I tell you, you’ll get in trouble. And even than I don’t exactly know half of it.. and I just.. I want you to be safe.”

“Even if your stuck with a curse, I’m still gonna be by your side.”

You blinked. “What!? No!! That’s st-“

“Well I’m cursed too. Didn't I tell you that? Tch. For somebody who bickers a lot you don’t listen.” He sighed. “I stole the lives of people, and held a hand at eons of suffering, I bring calamity to those who are close to me. But you still decided to stick by my side, and besides… I..” He turned away. “I love you too..” He’s words barely even counted as a whisper, and not even a hum.

“Ah.. AAAAAA-” You screamed of astonishment, and fainted, sinking into the ocean floor.

“Y/N..? Y/N!?!!”

[nickandthecandlestick]

I am drinking a mason jar full of black tea at 6:18 pm, but at least it’s not wine. Dumped that shit down the drain. I love black tea so much, and it doesn’t get me drunk. It just keeps me awake, which is terrible, but I won’t kill anyone in my car because of it (I have never driven drunk, but I worry my judgment might fail. I wasn’t driving when I drank, you see.)

I have applied to 3 of the 6 MFAs on my list. Only MUW, Iowa and UNM left. That adds up to about $100 in application fees, which is the hardest part. Actually, applying to be a TA at UNM is the hardest part, but I am planning to get around to that never. A separate, other personal statement, about me the boring and blocked, and how I would be a responsible, reliable addition to your program? Hell no? I mean. Great. Sign me up. Selling myself is my absolute fucking favorite. 

I got into VCFA. It costs $50,0000, or I would just go. WashU, UNM and Iowa are free, so Imma wait on those, just in case I get in. My roommate thinks I have a chance. Nice to think so. I always wanted to get into some prestigious thing. My grades were too bad in high school for that to happen. Technically, my grades should still be too bad but I am applying to MFAs so that leaves some wiggle room. 

Oh Lord, please let me be able to sleep tonight. Please let the awkwardness between me and my roommate disappear. Please let me become less terminally weird and at odds with myself. 

[pbjamas]

I'm sorry for filling your inbox when you're so busy...But since Birthday is coming, I was thinking of writing a fic for you. So would you like a Hawks worm propaganda, nose piercings fic, Twitteroki, Washu x Hawks, ShigaHawks or anything else you want? It's your birthday so feel free to pick anything I didn't mention.

SCARLET ILY YOU ARE THE BEST ;_;

now this is a very hard decision bc i want all of these so bad.... i am leaning for twitteroki or worm propaganda

that is so extremely nice of you omg i might cry

[iloveduinsecret]

Pls pls one for Bella goes to forks and Rosalie is keeping away bc her mate is human and she’s a vampire which obv don’t mix, but nobody told her Bella moved to Forks along with her college freshman girlfriend who’s on the WashU soccer team and if she has to see Bella wearing anOtHEr one of her girlfriends letterman’s she’s gonna break her diet

I love me a jealous Rosalie

• When Bella came to Forks, she wasn’t interested in making friends. She wanted to get in and get out. 

• She took honors classes so she could start college as a sophomore, and to make Charlie proud. 

• It worked, he was very proud. 

• When she walked into her AP Bio class for the first time, Rosalie nearly lost her shit. 

• She was completely unprepared. She had never wanted a human so badly before.

• It took all of her self control to stay in her seat.

• Of course the human was assigned to be Rosalie’s lab partner.

• When Bella stumbled her way over, they locked eyes and Rosalie felt something… weird.

• When she caught on to what was happening, she swore so loudly in her mind that she made Edward flinch in his Spanish class two buildings over.

• At least her thirst got much more controlled.

• Bella couldn’t understand why this gorgeous girl sitting next to her went from glaring at her, to looking confused, to looking like she HATED her all in the span of 0.3 seconds.

• She didn’t step on her foot or anything when she came up to the table, right?

• That night, Rosalie demanded that the family move back to Alaska. She was already packed by the time Carlisle got home.

• No one could really believe that the mate bond had triggered with a human.

• Edward was just astounded that the mate bond had worked with Rosalie.

• Alice was the only one who had a real problem with moving. She saw that Rosalie would come back to Forks if they left. Not just once. Every single time that they moved.

• And besides, Alice wanted to meet her new best friend already. It really wasn’t fair of Rosalie to be so difficult.

• Across town, Bella was FaceTiming her girlfriend.

• She told her about the strange girl in her bio class. She felt like an idiot, but she couldn’t help asking if she smelled bad.

• I mean, why else would Rosalie Hale be angling her face away from her for all of fourth period?

• Rosalie didn’t come back to school for a week.

• The whole time she was gone, she could feel Bella’s presence pulling on her. Like a little beacon in the back of her mind.

• It pissed Rosalie off to no end.

• Bella wasn’t surprised that the first thing Rosalie Hale said to her when she stalked back into biology was “get your feet off of my chair”.

• Yup, she definitely hated her.

• Rosalie couldn’t help stealing glances at Bella during class.

• She was sort of beautiful.

• Everything about her was attractive. Except for the hideous letterman jacket she was wearing.

• Rosalie remembered she was wearing that last week too.

• Bella caught her staring. Rosalie looked away abruptly, but not before Bella asked her what she was looking at.

• Rosalie asked about the jacket.

• When Bella said it was her girlfriend’s, Rose gripped her pencil so hard that it snapped in half.

• Angela Webber was the only one who saw.

•According to Edward, she thought about it for the next two weeks straight.

• Over the next few months, Rosalie’s feelings for Bella grew. It became useless to try to fight them.

• Bella was looking forward to Biology every day, and the reason why was starting to concern her.

• She already had a girlfriend, damn it.

• Their end of year project required meeting after school to study.

• They met at Bella’s house.

• Someone Rosalie had never met answered the door. When she introduced herself as Bella’s girlfriend, Rosalie wanted to spit on her.

• Instead, she smiled and shook her hand.

• They worked on the project for hours. Bella’s girlfriend hung out downstairs with Charlie.

• At one point, Bella went to the bathroom.

• Rosalie took the opportunity to strike.

• Later, when Rosalie left, Bella and her girlfriend got in a huge fight.

• Bella refused to acknowledge that she had been drooling over Rosalie the entire night.

• (She totally had been).

• The next day was her girlfriend’s soccer game.

• Bella couldn’t find her letterman jacket anywhere in the entire house.

• Her girlfriend found it two days later, torn to shreds in the backseat of her car.

[p-r]

our devices overthrown?

Required Listening: Hope for Something - Alternate by Panama So I think that the most frustrating thing about writing these posts is the ever-present thought that they must, somehow, someway, come full circle. Whether it has been apparent to you or not, I have tried to make each of these have a central theme, albeit a loose one. Every post has generally been a reflection on how I am doing, some epiphany I had, and then me trying to make a mic-dropping final line. This surprisingly takes a lot of work. Typing these isn’t hard, don’t get me wrong, but the desire to maintain authenticity is. It is hard to always think of a way to tell a “story” via the what I thought, the turning point, and then the epiphany format. Sure, it is not a work of fiction, it all actually happened, but I find myself often trying to make that format work in my head before I sit down to write. I want to make sure it sounds clear that I thought something, some event changed my mind, and then give you some big revelation. But I realize that is kinda dumb. Yesterday after my second to last final I was sitting outside the room in which I took the exam, as my next exam just so happened to be in that room. I was feeling all of the nostalgia of things drawing to a close and none of the excitement that comes with being finished with finals at a place as tough academically as Berkeley. Lately my friends and I have been discussing determinism versus free will. If you’re not familiar, determinism is the idea that you are “fated” to do and be certain things, free will is the converse. I had always assumed myself to be a major believer in determinism. Growing up in a devoutly Christian household, you learn to accept the world around you as one that is entirely controlled by someone other than you. If something is good, God gave it. If something is bad, God is teaching us a lesson. I never realized how deeply internalized my notions of determinism were until I started talking to people who deeply rejected it. They argue that determinism is clausterphobic in a sense. The idea that you are stuck in one sort of track with no way out, an idea I formerly found comfort in, seemed stifiling. Even more so, it seemed to undercut everything about myself of which I am proud. My life hasn’t been particularly hard. I also would not call it particularly easy. If you know me, you know that this weird crazy seems to follow my life. If you don’t, picture me kind of like this: standing in a swarm of harmless honeybees, with one hornet flying around me, I can never tell which is which so I am constantly flopping my hands in the air in a desperate and futile attempt to prevent the hornet from stinging me. And you might be thinking that I do something to attract this crazy...and well maybe I do. I know some of it I seek out and I know some of it I try to actively avoid. Regardless, it seems to find me. The pervasive nature of my ails often makes me think that truly I am without device to fight fate. I can be really defeatest and it stinks. Sitting outside of room 202 waiting on my last final, I looked up and down the silent, empty hall and contemplated the question that I have felt most nagging in my life recently. Do I or don’t I have control. To be honest, I think both ideas are terrifying. However, I don’t think that we can truly reject determinism, but I think that we should quantify it. My grades, my ability to not give up when swarmed, my activism, these are all my choices. No God or higher power has forced me like a Raggedy Ann Doll to work as hard as I have. As a child, I always wanted to attend a top university. Looking up and down the hallway I realized that I had made it. I realized that my choice of hardwork led me to the top. I also realized my hard work did not specifically lead me to Berkeley. That, however, was fate. I was going to graduate a year early, so I would be done at the end of my Junior year. I was invited to a Coast to Coast college program in late October where they would have officers from each college speak about applying to their institution. There were various colleges speaking, such as Princeton and Dartmouth, the two I went to see. Berkeley happened to have a presenter there and I remember seeing a slide of Doe Library and thinking that the college was beautiful. I told my mom on the car ride home that I really liked Berkeley, but I knew I would never get in. A few weeks later I had applied early decision at Washington University in Saint Louis as it was close to my hometown. But, I was sitting, bored, in AP US History November 30th. It was near 4pm, as that was the last few minutes of my school day Junior year. I started thinking about applying to Berkeley, on a whim. I looked up the application. Found that the application for the UC system is due November 30th 11:59 PST. I realized that I was too late. So I gave up on applying to Berkeley. I was sitting in a debate round, after being admited to WashU thinking that I had made a grave mistake. But, I had applied early decision, which is binding. I signed a contract that said, essentially, that if I was admitted I would attend after my high school graduation. I started to panic. I did not want to be so close to home. Something felt wrong. I wanted to puke. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to run. And then it dawned on me. The contract said after my graduation. I was admitted for Fall 2017. If I did not graduate in May of 2017, my admission was non binding. So I decided to withdraw from early graduation. I wrote all the appropriate officers. People were mad, confused, and sad. I hated dissapointing people. I generally think that I am a people pleaser due to my immense social anxiety, but in this instance my resolve had never been greater. I stared down every opposition. Every question if I was sure. Like sure sure. I was, in fact, sure sure. Senior year was my personal hell. I kept wishing that I had graduated early. I felt defeated. I thought that I had lost out on a great college and I would have avoided all the pain I was feeling. Most days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Called in sick a lot. Skipped some even. I had never skipped before. I was down and bleeding from the mouth. Defeat, death, and depression sum up the year nicely. As previous posts detail, coming to Berkeley was not easy. Berkeley started out as a continuation of the hell I was in. And then it started to change for me. It started to become happy. It started to restore in me what my high school peers and high school adminstrators had tried to steal from me. I found friends. I found strength again. Do I still hurt sometimes? Of course. If I didn’t hurt I would detail everything that happened, but I don’t feel like crying in the middle of SFO right now. Do I hope that my existence spites them? I don’t have to hope. They’re stuck in a crummy town with crummy lives and I am happy. I won. I escaped. I know I spite them. And you might be asking, couldn’t I have felt just as happy at WashU or some other university? Sure, I’ll conceed maybe I could have. All I know is that I look around at the people in my life now and I feel nothing but the universe’s perfect allignment. I know that no other college campus I have visited or debated on has felt like this. I feel Berkeley in my bones. I feel like I have known these people all my life and I cannot picture a tomorrow without them. I don’t love Berkeley all the time. I am not naive enough to ignore its problems. Its toll on students. I don’t think its the institution that I was fated to. I think that it is the chance that I, along with those around me, unbeknownst to one another all opened the same decision letter. Sent the deposit. Ended up in the same dorm and same fall program. I think its the idea that a few short months ago if I passed these people on the street they would have meant nothing to me. Another stranger. So back to the question: free will or fate? Answer: Wrong question. Its not either or. Its to what degree. I did the work, but somehow the way things unfolded led me here. It was not exactly what I planned, but it required my choice to work hard. To keep going. Free will in totality cannot exist. Infinity, as a concept, is so mind boggling that it doesn’t make clear numerical sense. Infinite possibilities is what free will entertains. Infinity minus one? Still infinity. Infinity plus infinity? Still infinity. You get the idea. Infinite things are w e i r d. They don’t occur in the nature that we percieve. And sure, properties are not the same as perceptions. But it makes most sense to assume that most things that we encounter are finite. Hence it is most reasonable to believe in some sense of determinism. I think of fate and free will like this. Every major decision we make has a set of doors. There are a lot of them, but the amount is still finite. We can choose which door, but the doors were predecided in a sense, but the next door is dependent on the previous choice. Life is a mixture of free will and fate. I might have been fated to be academically hard working, but I could have ignorned that fated drive, but I chose not to. I had the grades to apply to top colleges due to the one, fated drive and two, the choice to act on such drive. I was fated to apply, I acted on that drive, I was presented with doors and I chose Berkeley. Fate and free will are not mutually exclusive. Its a misconception that they do not work in tandem. One drives the other, each fate presenting us with choices and each choice setting up a new fate for us and so on. Its a push and pull between the two, but neither can ever distinctly gain dominance. The waves are neither classified as coming nor going, for as fast as they go they will return just as fast. It’s a balance. Our wills and fates do so contrary run That our devices still are overthrown; Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own. (Hamlet, 3.2.208), Player King It appears to me that even though Billy Shakes was a cool dude, he knew little of his own potential. But hey, what do I know.

[sapphic-sith]

So because I couldn’t go to bed without seeing my revamped OC fleshed out, I stayed up much later than I wanted to just to get this drawn.

This is Yuriko, one of my very first OCs (who has gone through MAJOR revamping in appearance, name and a tweaked origin).

But the things that remain the same is that she is the younger and super hella gay sister of Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo.

Read under the cut if you are interested in my mashed up/retconned/story-filling version of the Tenchi-verse that just so happens to include Yuriko.

When I first saw the various Tenchi series on Toonami, the one I favored the most was Tenchi Muyo because of it’s story and for having the awesome characters of Kiyone Makibi and Nagi the Bounty Hunter. The only thing I really wished that carried over from the canon OVA was that Washu was Ryoko’s mother/creator. I have borrowed many things from the canon OVA verse to fit into the Tenchi Universe story to help fill in background info.

In my version, Washu is genetically the mother of both Ryoko and Yuriko, but it is actually her long time friend and colleague, Naja Akara who creates Ryoko and Yuriko. 

Before Washu was exiled to earth, she and Naja were in charge of coming up with living weapons that could use the power of Jurai’s royal trees should the Juraian Empire have need of such power defenses. At first, Naja and Washu had agreed to keep these living weapons as far from being sentient as possible for moral reasons. But after various failures and near successes, it seemed that the only choice was to create near-Juraian (human) beings because they would be the only thing stable enough to embody and use such vast amounts of energy. Washu and Naja went as far as using their own DNA as a base for these beings.

Washu would often go on to other projects to fulfill her need to create successful work, but such inventions eventually lead to her exile. Naja continued their work and eventually had two successful specimens. Though both ere created around the same time, Ryoko was “born” first and Yuriko a short time later after needing more time to develop. Because the specimens seemed no different than any other sentient being, Naja raised the girls like her own daughters and did her best to hide their powers from the Jurai Royal Academy and government.

Years later, when Ryoko and Yuriko were still small children, Naja took them on an archaeological dig on the outskirts of known space. The site was attacked by a space pirate gang who was hoping to claim rare artifacts they could sell on the black market. In the chaos, Naja was separated from the girls and presumed dead and the girls were taken by the pirate gang. The pirate captain had seen the remarkable power the girls had shown when they had tried to protect their mother and had decided to keep them for his own purposes. 

The pirate captain had strict rules with his crew that the girls were to be treated like part of the crew, wanting to earn their trust and loyalty so they would fight for them. Ryoko and Yuriko eventually took to being pirates, Ryoko more than Yuriko. The girls were told that many of the pirate crimes were games and how freeing it was to be a pirate in the known galaxy. 

I haven’t worked out the fine details but shortly after Ryoko and Yuriko become adults or enter their late teens, they leave the pirate gang with bad blood between them (most likely having gotten Ryo-ohki as their own ship by this point). Yuriko convinces Ryoko that they should go search for their mother, having never given up hope that she was still alive. Although Ryoko had convinced herself a long time ago that their mother had died (to overcome the heartache), she reluctantly agrees. It wasn’t long before Ryoko turned to crime again, justifying her actions out of necessity for food and money and resources. But she soon gives up the search for Naja and focuses mostly on her pirate career- much to Yuriko’s dismay.

Yuriko goes along with for awhile, telling herself it is at least more fun with just her sister than it was with the pirate gang. But Yuriko soon grew tired of the pirate life, wanting to have a more stable home life again like when they were children. Yuriko grew up to be the (slightly) more mature of the two. While she can be just as childish as Ryoko at times and isn’t afraid of breaking the law for anything she believes to be a good reason for, she does have more limits to what illegal and amoral activities she is willing to do.

As a kid, I always envisioned my OCs right there in the show interacting with the other characters as though they were just as much part of the story. I plan to keep doing just that with Yuriko. She is right there with Ryoko when Mihoshi chases them to Earth, she is living in the Masaki household, occasionally doing chores to help around (but mostly helping out Sasami in the kitchen because she likes to bake and wants to learn how to cook), but can just as easily be found lounging around with a manga or playing videogames.

[smartgirlsaremean]

BobbyWatch: Ravenous

Today was a rare re-watch for me. I decided to spend some time with everyone’s favorite cannibal.

And I had a special guest with me: my friend Savi! Savi is new to the world of Bobby and has only seen a few of his works. She’ll probably be around for a few of my BobbyWatches this summer, but not all.

Because I’ve seen this movie before, this breakdown will be shorter than the others. I didn’t really have to stop and process anything because, obviously, I’d seen it all before. Savi, though, hadn’t, so her reactions were enjoyable (and presented in italics)!

First off, I love the PowerPoint style credits. Very 90s. I also like Boyd’s fur cloak/blanket thing. I love the way Hart introduces Boyd to the other soldiers.

They. Are. PSYCHOS.

I always wonder if David Arquette was acting in this movie or if Cleavers is mostly him.

Holy crap! Reich is Damien Darhk from Arrow! Why does he always play a dick?

Colonel Hart is now very slyly asking Boyd if he’d like a drink. Is he asking Boyd out? Definitely.

Is Toffler the kid from Twister? There’s a kid in Twister? Yeah, the one who gets in the truck at the drive-in and Jo has to save him? Uh... Just looked it up. He is. Oookay.

Aw, Toffler looked so happy when Hart asked him to pray over their dinner!

God, there is SO MUCH subtext in this movie. Like, Hart tells naked Colqhoun that he “doesn’t look bad, considering,” and just...jeez, Hart, you thirsty.

Colqhoun: [I] even [ate] my own dog. NOT THE DOG! That breaks my heart even more than the humans, to be honest.

I can’t tell if he’s playing this innocent act or if this is how he really felt.

Wow, Hart’s Washu is pretty good, actually. That was a very eloquent translation.

Okay, so, I like that these guys are not scared at all. They’re so worried about the people in the cave that they just...go. They were scared while he was telling the story, but now they’re less worried about having a cannibal with them than saving Mrs. Macready from Ives. Yeah, they’re good eggs.

Eh, what’s he complaining about? You think I’d be upset if I woke up and Bobby was licking me? Even if you were going to die? I mean...maybe if I was going to die I’d be a LITTLE upset.

Okay, but why do we have happy banjo music as we chase the murderous cannibal?

God, he’s so creepy. He does that really well, the creepy/sexy thing.

So, look. Reich is kind of a dick but, like, I feel him here? I hate to use the word coward, but Boyd is a coward. He played dead while all his men and commanding officers died. Yeah, and Reich would obviously never do that. He cares about his fellow soldiers.

That’s...a lot of rolling. Together. They’re rolling together. Yeah, I get it.

*shot of Ives finishing off Toffler* LOL! Why am I laughing?? This isn’t funny! Because you’re a sick individual. But it is funny. And Bobby’s so good at those little actions and quirks that make a character feel real.

You know, Boyd is not a character I’d root for under normal circumstances, but they’ve killed off all the more admirable characters and Ives is PURE EVIL so I really have no choice. It’s kind of fascinating from a psychological standpoint.

I can’t hear Bobby say “Destiny” without thinking of SGU.

Poor Hart. Of course he asks Boyd to kill him - he can’t live like this because he’s a GOOD GUY.

Ives has the blood cross on his head. What is it with Bobby and war paint?

NO LEO MCGARRY!!!! DON”T EAT THE STEW!!!!

Lol, Martha just fucks off out of there. She’s like “I am done with this place.”

It’s very telling that Ives drops the knife and lets Boyd trap both of them. It makes you wonder if he was actually as happy with his life as claimed to be. Yeah, like maybe he wanted to die. Martha told Boyd he had to give himself to stop the wendigo. So maybe Ives wanted to die but he couldn’t do it himself. Or MAYBE he knew deep down that Boyd was a better man than he was. Like, Ives CAN’T stop, he doesn’t have the willpower, but he knows Boyd does and that Boyd will kill him and then let himself die.

That was a weird movie.

But good.

Yeah, but good.

Final Numbers

Movie: 10/10

Bobby Hotness Factor: 4738433536319/10 I mean shit cannibals should never be this sexy

Next week’s movie: Summer

[tenchiconfessions]

So Tenchi Muyo OVA 4 is basically more of what Kajishima wanted to tell in OVA 3 if the episode order wasn't chopped

Plus, he has always maintained that the next chapter following OVA 3 would portray the everyday lives of Tenchi and his family and not some huge battle like Kagato, Dr. Clay or Z.

I believe Kajishima used this OVA to further bridge the stories of his expanded universe: GXP, Paradise War, War on Geminar, even Dual! Parallel Trouble Adventure, highlighting that all roads lead back to Tenchi

I enjoyed it because I'm a nerd for intricate worlds that have been created by writers plus I'm a lifelong Tenchi fan but I definitely wish there were more than 4 episodes and that Tenchi and his girls got more of the screen time, though I do love all the other extended characters.

I'm a fan of the slice of life stories but I would enjoy them even more if they featured more of Tenchi and his girls like in OVA 2 though I am happy with the character development shown such as the growth of Ryoko and Aeka's relationship (makes me remember that Ryoko just wanted to play w Aeka when she attacked her during her raid on Jurai 700 years ago) and also Ryoko being able to communicate her feelings to Washu.

I also appreciated the knowledge we got about Tenchi's Earth family in Masaki village. And the flashback scenes of Kiyone and Rhea-kinda gave me the vibe that Kajishima has more stories to tell of their time together. Also makes me wonder how Kiyone was planning on getting Rea/her kid back to Geminar without having told anyone-hilarious scenarios I probably wouldn't mind seeing in doujin or mini format.

I also definitely want more Mihoshi Like, I love the mystery of not knowing what actually happened to her as much as the next person but I want more talk of it. I want more shady flashbacks that give more clues. I want more of the big players talking about her genius of luck, what the origin/connection is between her good luck and Seina's bad luck, what she was like before "the incident" and more info on this "scary Mihoshi" personality that I believe revealed herself briefly during the meal scene in OVA 4 episode 1.

[recentanimenews]

Mystery Box of Misery Volume 1: Boy Meets Misery

They're the Part 2 of 3 you receive when both bookends are out of print. They’re the discs marked down to $1 during clearance and holiday sales. They're fodder for Ani-Gamers’ new Mystery Box of Misery column, which will appear monthly with three short, context-free reviews of as many blind-box items. Want to join in on the fun? Ani-Gamers Patreon supporters vote via poll to determine who reviews which title. Join us!

Tenchi in Tokyo (Episodes 1–4)

The last time I watched any Tenchi Muyo, I was probably about 12 years old and tuning into Toonami, where multiple versions of the harem franchise aired in English. I don’t think I understood the appeal at the time. ”One guy living with a bunch of anime girls? Who would want that?!” I dreaded watching this DVD nearly as much as our podcast editor, Patrick, relished the fact that I had to watch it.

Thus it brings me no pleasure to report that I enjoyed watching these four episodes. I expected offensive amounts of fanservice, but what I got was a surprisingly funny action-comedy about a bunch of goofy, obnoxious girls and the incredibly dull boy they like for some reason. That’s the trick to a decent harem anime; the girls are the stars of the show, so they’d better have as much personality as the writers can pack into each scene. In the spirit of the column, I didn’t do any research on this so who knows how this plays into Tenchi lore. I just enjoyed watching a few extremely silly comedy vignettes.

Since you’re all going to ask for the best girl: I vaguely remember thinking Washu was cool, and this watch confirms my suspicions. She’s the only one of the main girls who isn’t constantly fawning over Tenchi. Also she’s a mad scientist and mischievous shithead, so thumbs up from me.

Appleseed (2004)

This is one I’ve actually seen before! Thanks to the Mystery Box of Misery, however, I can now replace my basic Appleseed DVD with a nice steelbook … though I’m still not exactly the biggest fan of this movie.

The 2004 Appleseed movie (not to be confused with the 1988 OVA) was patient zero for Shinji Aramaki’s slate of all-CG productions, which now include the likes of Captain Harlock, Ultraman, and Ghost in the Shell. Like most of his modern work, the movie is a mixed bag both in terms of animation and storytelling. Time has not been kind to the 3-D animation, which was impressive in 2004 but now looks like a floaty video game cutscene. I’ve always found its mix of toon shaders and reflective surfaces interesting. By contrast, modern CG anime often goes all-in on toon shaders. Unfortunately Appleseed’s half-anime/half-realistic style only gels in a handful of scenes. The story is overburdened with exposition, talking-head dialogue, and Oshii-esque philosophizing, but some of the more intimate character scenes work nicely. That’s because they’re the few times when Aramaki puts down his fancy new CG toys and shoots a scene conservatively.

Despite all that, the action scenes are fun and well-paced, and most importantly: Deunan Knute and her cyborg boyfriend Briareos make a cute couple. I actually had a good time with this one too.

The Melody of Oblivion Episodes 17–20

Maybe you’ve heard of this show? Perhaps you’ve heard of one particular scene?

In a bit of good luck for me and bad luck for whoever tried to ruin my day by voting for this show, I missed the infamous cowgirl milking scene by two episodes. That didn’t spare me, however, the experience of watching four episodes of The Melody of Oblivion.

I cannot tell you what this show is about. There are a bunch of kids who shoot arrows and ride motorcycles that are also horses that are also robots that are also boys. The villains are part of the Monster Union (presumably not the good kind of union) and have names like Sir Child Dragon and Millionaire Beaver. I have to assume these things make some amount of sense when you’re not airdropped into the last half of the story.

The only thing I remotely appreciate is a strained romantic subplot between the main boy and girl characters. Any goodwill from that is, of course, blown away by the show’s creepy fanservice. When boys shoot arrows, we get a montage of revving engines on horse-robot-bikes. When girls do it, the rebound bumps into their boobs and makes them cry out in a faux-orgasm. Truly, this is the kind of show this column was made for.

That’s it for the inaugural entry in the Mystery Box of Misery. Tune in next month for more. And patrons, keep an eye on your inbox for the next round of voting, when Ani-Gamers Podcast editor Patrick Sutton will subject himself to your DVD choices!

Boy Meets Misery originally appeared on Ani-Gamers on November 14, 2020 at 12:02 AM.

By: Evan Minto

[jenniferlovesthebeatles]

Recurring Themes in Dreams?

I think a lot of times, I’ll have weird dreams that don’t really mean anything, and I usually just forget about them not long after I wake up. But lately...I don’t know, I’ve been dealing with a lot of feelings, a lot of which I haven’t specified on here because it’s very, very personal. But uh, some stuff happened today that just...really got to me, and I just kind of feel like talking about my dreams and getting some stuff off my chest, if that makes sense. So here goes...

Concert Date with Washu

Well, one dream that isn’t really necessarily related to any of these other dreams, but it just stuck in my mind, for some reason, was where I imagined that I went on a date with Washu (a YouTuber I admire a lot who does Let’s Plays of a lot of RPG Maker games). We went to a concert, and I can’t even remember what band it was, but all I remember was that it was a band that I didn’t even like/care about. But I went anyway because well, it was a date. And somehow Washu and I got lost in the crowd at one point, and by the time I found him, he had ditched me for another girl he just met. It uh...it felt weird. That’s not to say that he would ever do something like that in real life, Washu’s a cool guy from what I know about him (he’s even replied to me a few times on Twitter and in the YouTube comments!). It’s just something that happened in my dream, that’s all. It probably doesn’t mean anything.

Phone in the Car

Another dream that I had recently was where I was walking around a sort of grocery store with some random people, including my old babysitter from many, many years ago (her name is Lulu). And when I reached into my pocket, I noticed that my phone wasn’t there. I walked all over the place, looked around the parking lot and everywhere and just couldn’t find it. Then I thought, maybe I left it in the car. 

So I walked over to where the car I came in was parked. For some reason, the tires of the car were very tall, and the car was very high up (dream logic, I don’t know). I was going to try to get up there and see if my phone was in there, but Lulu stopped me and said I couldn’t go in there. I asked why, and she said (in these exact words), “Because there are people in there having sexual intercourse.” It was strange...I mean, it felt weird thinking about people having sex in a car that I was just in a few hours ago. And I certainly couldn’t intrude on their privacy, as inappropriate as it felt to me that they chose to do this in the parking lot of a grocery store. It was quite an inconvenience for me. So uh, yeah, that was one dream...

Train Ride

In the next dream I had, something similar happened, though the scenario was slightly different. I dreamt I was on a train with my mom, and we were getting close to the station where we were supposed to get off. But right as it was coming up, I noticed that I couldn’t find my phone. I looked around, searched to see if it had fallen on the ground or something, but I just couldn’t find it. Then when I looked up, I saw that my mom had already gotten off the train, and I was still on. 

I tried to ask the train conductor to stop the train, but he just completely ignored me. I could see my mom in the distance, getting farther and farther away from me - it actually looked like she tried to chase after the train for a little bit but gave up eventually. And that was basically how my dream ended, with me being stuck on that train, going and going with no clue as to where or when it would stop. 

High School Graduation

In the dream after that, I dreamt that I was going to my high school graduation ceremony. But for some reason...I wasn’t wearing a graduation gown. I was wearing a wedding dress - with mismatched socks also (more weird dream logic, I guess). My parents wanted me to pose for pictures with a bunch of old sentimental items, like stuffed animals and an old Bible I had in elementary school. Later we got in the car to drive to the place where the ceremony was being held, and I can’t remember all the exact details, but somehow at one point I ended up getting out of the car, and they drove off without me. I was standing at the edge of a sort of highway area, completely lost, and I don’t think I had my cell phone with me either. 

Then after waiting around for a while, basically just standing around and worrying about what I was going to do, one of those Uber cars randomly came up to me. And for some strange reason, George Takei was the driver, and he asked if I needed to get somewhere, and I said yes and got in the car. I don’t think I got any further in my dream than just riding in that car for a while. So I don’t know if I ever actually got to my destination, I don’t remember.

Isaac...

And then just last night, I had a dream that just...ahh, it just really gave me a lot of feelings. I dreamt that I went to this house to visit Isaac. He’s someone that I’ve mentioned often on my blog but haven’t really gone into much detail about, for personal reasons. I might go more into the specifics of our relationship someday, or I might not, I’m not sure. It’s all very personal stuff. 

But to give a brief description, he’s technically my ex-boyfriend now - we actually have dated and broken up twice, so...it’s a complicated thing. But the thing is, we broke up for some very unfortunate circumstances, not because our relationship or our chemistry was bad or anything like that. Quite the contrary, Isaac and I get along super well. We have a lot in common and just have a very deep connection, but things happened, and so now we aren’t able to be together. It breaks my heart that things happened this way...I just really haven’t been the same ever since our breakup - both the first and the second time. 

Anyway, going back to my dream, I met up with Isaac at this house. It was a big house with lots of rooms, almost like a mansion. It was a bit strange, I wasn’t sure what to expect, how I was supposed to act. At first, we smiled and greeted each other and acted like things were normal. He complimented me a lot, like he always does, telling me how cute I was and all that. I longed for him so badly...but I had to tell myself no.

Later that night, I went off to bed. And while I was sleeping....Isaac came into bed with me. I was lying on my stomach, and he um...he lay on top of me. I could feel him on my back...every part of him. I felt so turned on, but I didn’t want to act inappropriately, since after all, we technically weren’t dating anymore. But then he wrapped his arms around me and embraced me. It was so warm, so enticing, ohh...I...I couldn’t resist. I grabbed him and kissed him passionately. We held each other the whole night through...

The next day some friends came over. Some of them were his friends, and some were my friends. I introduced him to my friends, and I called him my boyfriend. And when I said that, he suddenly got so upset with me. He glared at me, and I quickly corrected myself and said that he was my ex-boyfriend. But it was too late. I could tell that he was just so offended by what I said. It was just...confusing for me. I mean, I know Isaac loves me, but he can’t see himself being the person that I see him as...if that makes sense. It’s hard to explain. 

But later on, his friends just expressed such disdain for me, since I had apparently disrespected Isaac in this awful way, I ended up getting kicked out of the house. I asked if I could at least have my stuff (my bag with my clothes and other stuff), but they said no. Even my own friends saw what I had done as this awful and irredeemable action, they didn’t want to talk to me or associate with me either. I felt so alone and miserable...I didn’t want to be vilified. I wasn’t a bad person. But it was like no matter what I did or said, no one believed me.

So those were some dreams I’ve had recently that felt particularly significant to me. I don’t know if it would be fair to analyze them and try to draw some deeper meaning from them. After all, dreams can have meanings, but sometimes they’re completely random and nonsensical and have no basis in reality. But these dreams...how they seem to have some similar underlying themes, I don’t know...maybe it does mean something. 

I think that overall, I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and paranoia lately, worrying about losing things and the people who are the most important to me...Okay, I fully confess, I miss Isaac so badly, there are times when I can’t stand it. I shouldn’t want it. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it. I love Isaac so, so much. But Isaac says he can’t be what I want him to be. He tried, I know he did. But he said he just couldn’t do it. I understand this, and I know it would be wrong to force him to do something he was uncomfortable with just for my sake. I’m just a fool for ever thinking there could ever be such a thing as a happy ending.

I woke up today feeling really depressed from that dream I had about Isaac. But I got out of bed anyway, got dressed, and went to church with my mom. Later we went out for lunch, but I still was feeling down. I opened up to her about some of the weird dreams I’d been having lately (not all of them, I only told her about the train ride and the high school graduation one). I wish I hadn’t...It probably really wasn’t appropriate for me to bring up, as she was in a good mood today, and she hates when I talk about depressing things (because she says it makes me so unpleasant to be around, and I don’t want to upset her, after all). But I just couldn’t get it off my mind. I wanted to be open and honest with her about my struggles and my feelings. After all, she’s my mom. She should be understanding of what I’m going through, right?

No...She got all upset at me, since we were at a restaurant and were supposed to be happy and having a nice time. I don’t know why I’m so sad. I shouldn’t be sad anymore. I know it does me no good. And yet, it just really seems like I’m not getting much better. I think I’m all right on some days, but then on days like today, it just really gets to me. In all seriousness, this breakup has left me traumatized, and I’ve been doing my best to handle my emotions and work on healing, but it gets so hard sometimes...I feel like I legitimately need to see a therapist for psychiatric help or something.

I’ve asked my mom about therapy a couple of times, but every time she gets super angry and tells me that I don’t need therapy because I have nothing to be sad or upset about. She says that I should be focusing on my schoolwork instead, and that I just want therapy so that I can “whine” about my problems, and so the therapist can put the blame on my parents. She tells me that I have so much to be thankful for and that I’m just not trusting God enough. She says these negative thoughts and feelings I have are the devil controlling me...

Okay, just to be clear about things, I’m a Christian, and I do trust in God to take care of me. But just because I have faith in God, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel down or upset about things sometimes. Being depressed or getting stressed out or overwhelmed by things doesn’t mean that I’m letting Satan control me. I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with any particular medical conditions, so I’m not going to claim that I have anything for sure. I’m just saying that these are feelings that I struggle with, and I want to get help. I want to feel better.

Besides that, what good does it do to be condescending toward me and attack my faith and personal beliefs, especially when I’m feeling most vulnerable? It doesn’t help in the slightest. All it does is make me feel like garbage and want to just give up. I don’t even think I need medication or antidepressants - I know these help some people, but I personally don’t think my depression is severe enough to require it. And even if we can’t afford a therapist or whatever, more than anything I just want someone to talk to, someone to confide in when I have things I need to get off my chest.

But clearly my mother is not that person. She is hostile, cold, and callous toward me and my feelings. She says things like “That’s the problem with society these days, everyone’s so weak and overly sensitive! Back in my day, my parents were tough on us, that’s why we’re so much stronger than this generation.” And it’s just like...ugh, she just doesn’t understand. Sure, she grew up in a different era, but things were different back then. She refuses to even try to understand the struggles that we have to deal with in modern times. 

And worst of all, she completely dismisses my heartache and acts like my feelings are ridiculous, and she says just...awful things about Isaac, I can’t even say them, it’s so upsetting. I’ve tried over and over to tell her that Isaac is a good person, and that I’m just sad that things didn’t work out. But she tells me that he brings me down and has such a negative effect on me. She tells me I’m so weak, and that she doesn’t know where she went wrong as a mother...

I guess I am just a big disappointment...to everyone. I’m depressing and just such a drag to be around. I know that therapy isn’t an option for me at this point. I accept the situation that I’m in, and I do my best to cope with my feelings and try to find solutions and heal on my own. I want to be strong. It’s just that sometimes...it’s hard, that’s all.

[ataleoftwosuites-blog]

Some Vignettes From Madrid

Hi Rachel!! Sorry your travels were rough. We’re bad and haven’t written yet so please enjoy some short stories from our first week here (Anne and I switch off writing): 

One of our first days here exploring the city we found the cutest little cafe called Abonavida. (You’ll have to tell us if this is Italian because it sounds like it) They had the best iced tea I’ve ever had in my life. Massive too. I had one called Night in Havana and Anne had Spring in Kyoto. (As you can probably tell this cafe wasn’t the cheapest lol) It was on a little side street with no cars and tables outside. Someone asked us in Spanish if they could have one of our chairs, so they must have thought we were Spanish (just go with it :) and we felt proud. We want to go back!! Nearby we also found a gluten free bakery and had some macarons. My mother would be so proud. 

Hey Rachel, Anne here! I am interrupting Andie to tell you about the food, because it is all so delicious and makes me want to live here forever a little bit. First of all, our host parents (Maribel and Javi, they are indescribably wonderful) took us to a chocolateria our first full day (jealous?). But this isn’t a normal chocolate shop, no no. You go there to eat full cups of melted chocolate (not American hot chocolate, literally just pure liquid chocolate) that you dip churros in. Andie couldn’t eat the churros cuz gluten, so I had to take one for the team. Oh well. After insisting that we drink every last drop of this nectar of the gods (while delicious, it is quite a lot to drink as it has the consistency of, well, melted chocolate----think fondue), Javi and Maribel informed us that we were the first students they’ve ever had to finish the full cup. I don’t know how exactly we are supposed to feel about this, but I guess I’ll take it as something to be proud of? 

Still me, more on food: I just want to give you a brief run down of the other dishes we’ve gotten to try here: huevos rotos (a fried egg over fries and ham, delicious), pate (duck liver), conejo (rabbit, and rabbit liver), mussels, anchovies, two delicious soups, a Spanish tortilla (made of potato and zucchini), and croquetas (a fried roll filled with mashed potatoes and some kind of meat, although there are other variations). We also eat a ton of bread here; you would love it. 

I finally wrested the computer back from Anne. I just want to insert a note about the chocolate story. Wtf is wrong with all those other students Maribel and Javi have had before???? Anyway now I’m going to tell you about one of the most awkward experiences of my life. A preface (actually a couple prefaces) 1. We’re not allowed to drink alcohol while here. 2. Maribel loves wine and we/I drink it every night basically. 3. One of our two professors is friends with Maribel and Javi. 4. Anne is nervous about putting things on the internet so we’re going to call this professor Alejandro and say he’s from Sevilla. So what happened is Javi invited him over to watch a Real Madrid soccer game and have dinner. Long story short we drank wine with our professor. But it’s ok because Maribel said (and he agreed) that it was Alejandro from Sevilla not Alejandro from WashU. Ay ay ay. 

Thank you Andie, I appreciated the attempted anonymity. Anywayyyyy, I have another fun story for ya. We like to people watch (in a get to know a new place kind of way, not a creepy kind of way), so today we took a stroll through a lovely park near our house (it’s massive and we haven’t seen all of it yet, but we plan to) and sat on a bench to chat (en español, por supuesto) and take in the sights. The bench was on the side of a giant sidewalk type deal (street size, but for pedestrians/bikes/roller blades), and there were tons of people. A few minutes after we sat down, these three boys approached us, and what I took to be the ring leader asked us if they could sit/talk with us for a few minutes (at least we think that’s what he said). We both immediately said no very politely, because we have grown used to getting approached by people trying to sell things/ask for money, but as they were walking away, Andie asked me if they were hitting on us. That thought hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s a definite possibility considering they weren’t carrying anything to sell and we’re flippin’ gorgeous. So now we are going to say we got hit on by a Spanish boy, even though he was like sixteen and we’re not totally sure that’s what happened. 

Ok so what Anne was supposed to say was that we WERE FOR SURE hit on by spanish boys of indeterminate (I think he was older) age. And that’s what we’re telling everyone else so don’t spill the beans. I’m checking it off my bucket list. One last story which is not a story so much as a description of last night. We went out on the town with new friends (aren’t you proud of us?) First we went to this really vibey bar that was on a roof of a building looking out over Madrid. It was really expensive and also 100x too cool for us (don’t tell Anne I said that) but it was definitely worth the experience once. If you want pics please text because I did not put them on fb lol. There a bunch of people from our program met us and we played Never Have I Ever, but whenever someone ran out of fingers they had to be in the hot seat and then got 5 more fingers. It was crazy fun and Anne and I really like a lot of people in the group. After that we went to another bar and all split a bunch of pitchers of sangria. I may or may not have gotten a little tipsy. (what? I only had a mojito and 5 glasses of Sangria) But it was a great night and it made me excited also for when we can all go out together in the states. (also literally no one ever cards us here which is strange. the bouncer at the door of the rooftop bar did look at us very suspiciously though) 

More stories to come. Love from Madrid. <3 

-Anne and Andie 

[steinhardtorientation]

Choosing NYU

When I first applied to NYU, I wanted to apply early decision - something about living in the heart of New York City just felt right to me. My parents, however, had different feelings. They believed that because I hadn’t visited the school that I shouldn’t apply early decision and bind myself to a school I hadn’t even seen. So instead, I applied early decision to Washington University in St. Louis, which I had visited, and liked okay. I got rejected from WashU (which I am thankful for every day!) and began a college tour of all the other schools I applied to. NYU was first; my grandfather and I took the train up from Baltimore, MD and went to an information session and tour on campus. During the information session, when the guide was talking about how NYU and NYC are intertwined and how you can’t go to NYU without being a part of NYC, my grandfather leaned over to me and whispered, “It’s too bad we didn’t do this before you applied here - you could’ve written this stuff in your ‘Why NYU?’ essay!” I looked at him, smiled, and whispered back, “But I did!” In that moment, I knew NYU was the right choice for me. 

-Ellie, OL