#and tonight i showered again more to help my sinus headache than anything and! i could think clearly :)

[bitchapalooza]

How I know I'm feeling better already: my inner monologue is nonstop instead of intelligible nonsense

Also!!! I had my first full meal tonight! I've mostly been chomping on pretzel sticks or eating nothing at all these past couple days; while my appetite wasn't entirely gone, I just didn't have the energy to eat so I kinda let my stomach grumble as I laid in bed in and out of naps :d

[ladywithoutababy]

Estrogen Patch

It feels totally insane to be gearing up to try IVF again, but that’s what we’re doing! I went in to the doctor for blood work this past Monday, which I’ve now done so many times it felt like visiting an old friend. (Except that old friend had so many people waiting to visit her that there wasn’t room to sit in the waiting room and I had to wait so long that I was late to work and missed two meetings.) The nurse who finally did my blood draw was super nice, and I don’t remember how we got on the subject but we made lots of jokes about how men would never be able to handle any of this. It really is crazy that I’ve gotten USED to waking up at 5 am, trekking to the middle of nowhere, getting needles poked in me, trekking to work, and then still somehow pulling it together to be at the top of my game in back to back meetings all day. I have yet to see a man have two meetings in a row without crying about it. Sorry, I hate men.

Anyway, my progesterone levels weren’t high enough (it was day 21 of my cycle but they said it looked like I had “just” ovulated, which is much later than usual but maybe a result of my cycle being thrown off by my eggs being vacuumed out of my body last month?), and they called and asked me to come back in on Thursday. So I went back in on Thursday, got my blood drawn again, god, the monotony is so close to being unbearable, and they called me and told me I could go ahead and start the estrogen patch.

Here is how the estrogen patch works:

You stick it on, and change it every two days

You do this until you get your period, or until you’ve changed it five times

You go back in for blood work (everything, it turns out, leads to more blood work)

The patches are much smaller than we thought they would be (maybe a little bigger than a quarter, thin, and clear). We laughed about it because my husband and I for some reason were both picturing like one of those giant thick bandaids. He stuck it on my lower abdomen, told me I’m hot and skinny (this is an important part of our ritual), and that was it. It does indeed stay on there well, even if you take a shower. 

Common side effects of the patch (estradiol) apparently include:

headache, back pain;

stuffy nose, sinus pain, sore throat;

vaginal itching or discharge, changes in your menstrual periods, breakthrough bleeding;

bloating, stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting;

breast pain;

redness or irritation where the patch was worn;

thinning scalp hair; or

fluid retention (swelling, rapid weight gain).

So far, I have none of these side effects, which doesn’t surprise me, because I didn’t really have any side effects to all the other hormones either. I’ve decided this is because my body is a desiccated shell, incapable of creating or supporting life, and immune to any hopes, feelings, or dreams. I picture my busted eggs just hanging out in my ovaries smoking and laughing at me. (I don’t smoke, I just bet they do.) Given that my doctor straight up said to me that they have no idea if estrogen even helps at all, I’m not convinced there’s even anything in the patch other than some glue.

But whatever. It’s now Saturday, and we will pop a new one on tonight. We’ve already reordered the giant box of medications and syringes; I think my next cycle and our next round will likely start later this week. Just gonna do it, hope for the best, and try not to freak out if we end up with a bunch of powerful but genetically abnormal embryos again.

Sidenote: the word for genetically abnormal is “aneuploid” which I have realized is pronounced in my head like “Annie Oakley” (annie-you-ploid). So that brings me a little joy when I think about it. I dunno, that’s all I got.

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Five

I’m definitely dragging my feet with this post break-up situation. 

I slept horribly last night because of the fan in my bedroom constantly blowing cold air in my face. But I couldn’t switch it off otherwise I would’ve been hot and uncomfortable all night long. 

It looks like I’m coming down with flu. So I took my butt off to the hospital to do a check-up and to get some drugs so that I can be ready for work to start again on Tuesday. 

I met up with an ex-classmate of mine first to give him his certificate from the Chinese Class we took together a month ago. I met my friend, AW, in a hotel near his apartment and we ended up staying in the lobby for an hour just chatting and shooting the breeze. He asked me about my recent trip to the Philippines to see X and I lied and told him we had a great time together. 

Only my nearest and dearest know the truth about how shitty that vacation and my entire summer has been. I’m hoping AW and I can meet up again in a few weeks and get lunch together; maybe I’ll tell him the truth then. As for my other acquaintances and colleagues, I’m going to put a smile on my face and tell them that my vacation was wonderful and that I feel really rested now. It makes things simpler than doing what I always do: wearing my heart on my sleeve and airing my dirty laundry for everyone to see and take pity on me. 

I don’t want any pity. God knows I’ve made enough mistakes with this one relationship to last me a lifetime. The only thing I want now is closure. 

After a few wrong turns on the bus, I finally made it to the hospital to get checked out. I definitely have flu, but it’s not serious enough, so the doctor didn’t prescribe me any medicine. I don’t think Chinese people fully appreciate how helpful it is to use medicine to dull your senses long enough so you don’t have to deal with your life. I took matters into my own hands and got my own medicine at the pharmacy near my apartment. Thank the Lord for small mercies like health insurance when you’re broke. 

I have a bad sinus headache, so I’m sitting in my living room listening to the rain outside. It rained last Saturday too and it makes me think of how frantic X was to get in touch with me because she was worried that a bad typhoon had hit the city where I live. Now I’m just thinking that everything X is, down to her concerns for my safety, are just bullshit. I guess I’ll never really know how much of it was true and how much of it was just a means to an end, to get me to care more about her than I already did. 

Even though a tiny part of me wishes X would try to contact me, begging for my forgiveness and confessing how much she loves and misses me, I can’t even fathom trying to believe in anything she tells me ever again. The mere fact that I haven’t heard a peep from X just confirms that everything she said in parting was the truth. At least she can give up the charade of loving me still, it must’ve been exhausting for her. 

One of my oldest friends from university, KI, told me this morning that I should do my best to distract myself and take things day by day. She’s right; when I dare to step outside of myself, even for a brief moment, I do feel better. Even talking to people about things in general helps a lot. I guess it all boils down to finding that human connection with another person, even if it’s short-lived. We all need that sometimes because we all need a tiny scrap of hope to keep ourselves going.  

I am worried that I’m getting a little too good at compartmentalising painful things that happen to me. When I was younger, I would cry and rage at the universe for the shitty hand that Life had dealt me. I still do that, but in smaller and muted intervals. After that, it’s back to reality; the world isn’t going to wait for me to mend my heart and get back on the metaphorical horse, whatever that ends up being. 

I think I should try not to drink alcohol too often from here on out. But I will admit: it is nice to step out of my own body and imagine that I’m someone else in the moment. When I’m tipsy, I feel free and happy. I don’t feel scared to dream big or anxious about opening up to other people. I’m just me, but only a better version when I’m drunk. 

I’m so tired today, so I’m gonna climb into bed early and just veg for a few hours before I finally fall asleep. Whenever I start to get sad about X and the tears fall freely from beneath my sleeping mask, I wrap my hands around my torso and tell myself that I’m going to be alright and that it’s ok to feel sad and miss her. Chanting it over and over again makes the tears stop and for that bright, shining moment, I almost believe that I’ll be ok eventually. I hope I won’t need to say that chant to myself tonight. 

The middle finger on my left hand has a faint tan line where I wore a couples’ ring X gave me a year ago. I switched it from my wedding finger to my middle finger months ago because I lost some weight in my fingers and the ring started fitting too loosely. I only ever took the ring off when I cooked, showered or went swimming so that the metal wouldn’t get damaged. I feel almost naked without that ring on my finger. I toyed with the idea of getting another ring to replace it, but I don’t think I will. Jewellery often carries with it so many connotations and expectations; I’d rather not make any more commitments, big or small, till it feels right, until I’m ready for everything that comes with them. 

It’s time to drink another glass of Vitamin C and maybe some warm milk with honey and ginger in it to help me sleep. Maybe I’ll watch some cartoons on my iPad before I go to sleep tonight. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I only hope it’s something good. 

[sassphicdragoness]

Non-Sexual Acts of Intimacy - Burafu

Bury me in this ship, okay? Okay. Enjoy the drabbles, and excuse any errors!

Finding them wearing their clothes

Dark Pit’s angelic attire did not allow for much warmth, especially when winter hit. What also didn’t help was the mansion’s heating system dying in the middle of the night. While he and Robin were nice and toasty under the blankets of their bed, Dark Pit eventually had to get up and start preparing breakfast. The moment he flung the covers off, he was jolted by the sudden chill in the room. Frowning, he grabbed Robin’s tactician robe and threaded his arms through the oversized sleeves. The warmth was instant, enveloping his body and calming the shivers.

Robin arose nearly half an hour later. He, too, was overcome by the frigid air and was forced to grab the actual comforter off the bed. The sun was just now creeping over the horizon as he walked into the main living area of the dorm. While the smell of freshly brewed coffee and biscuits washed over his senses, it was the sight of his beloved angel clad in his coat that brought a fond smile to his face. Robin walked up behind Dark Pit, wrapping his arms around the angel’s waist while nuzzling his nose into thick, dark hair. 

“Morning, Raven.”

“Morning, Reflet…” His stride remained unbroken as he finished cooking the eggs and sausages for them. After plating them, he turned to face the tactician, lifting himself onto his tiptoes to reach the other’s lips. They exchanged a few soft, languid kisses before Dark Pit leaned his head against Robin’s chest. “Heat broke last night…”

“...Well, that explains everything…” Robin completely enveloped Dark Pit in his arms so he could be wrapped up in the blanket as well. Smiling, he murmured something he knew would fluster the angel. “You look adorable in my coat, by the way.”

“...I hate you…” Yet the angel made no effort to move out of his lover’s embrace. Robin simply smirked as he kissed the other’s forehead.

“Let me guess: I’m not getting my coat back?”

“Exactly.”

--

Head Scratches

As aggro as Dark Pit was in the public eye, he was a literal cat behind closed doors. And no one could tell Robin any different.

Like any cat, Dark Pit would make it very known when he wanted Robin’s attention. Whether it was stealing his coat, wearing it, and then refusing to give it back; demanding that Robin spar with him; or just flat out intruding upon the tactician’s space, Dark Pit got his way no matter what. Anyone could accuse Robin of being whipped, but his immediate defense would be that whatever his angel wanted, he got. Plain and simple. Robin had no issue whatsoever with catering to his every need and desire.

Tonight was no different. Robin was curled up on the sofa and nose-deep in a book. Dark Pit had finished up a shower after some sparring with Palutena and Pit. Now that he was all freshened up, all he wanted to do was spend the rest of the night with his significant other. Amber eyes lifted their attention from the black and white pages to see the angel walking right over to him. As if on cue, Robin parted his legs so Dark Pit could lay between them and rest his head on the tactician’s chest. Smiling, Robin waited patiently for him to adjust and make himself comfortable before threading his fingers through black hair. Returning his attention to his book, he curved his fingers and began to give soft scratches to Dark Pit’s head. Instantly, the angel purred deeply in sheer contentment. As quiet as they were, Robin could feel the reverberations through his chest, right above his heart. He would never tire of this.

“Comfortable, Raven?”

“Mmhmm…”

--

Reading a book together

“’She stared right through him while offering one final -- ex – plan – a – tion -- explanation. "...Love is weakness. After his death, I put a spell on myself to remove any kind of -- ma – ter – nal -- maternal love from my heart. I don't need it if it's going to keep me from my -- ul – ti – mate -- ultimate goal of attaining power.””

Robin smiled proudly when Dark Pit tilted his head back to look at him for approval. “Excellent… your reading has vastly improved over the past few months.”

“It’s a lot easier to read when you actually like the story being told.” Dark Pit leaned his head back against the opposite pillow so he could look at Robin without straining his neck. His eyes skimmed over the next couple of paragraphs. “I feel so sorry for her, though. She was a total jerk at first, but now I actually feel some sympathy knowing what trauma she went through… Leaves me wondering what else she may have gone through before she entered the current timeline… I want to see how it plays out through the rest of the story.”

“I’ll tell you now, the next chapter gets really intense, and things do go downhill for these two.” But that’s all Robin would say. He’d read this book already, and didn’t want to spoil anything for the angel. “Vitriolic is one of my favorites because of the development these two go through over the course of the book, but it’s more realistic than a lot of other stories in this genre. I know you’ll like even more once the story progresses further, so I won’t spoil you. I want you to experience it just as I did.”

“Good, I want to see what happens next.” The couple settled deeper beneath the covers, and Dark Pit’s head leaned back against Robin’s shoulder once more. He scanned the page to see where he’d left off and then picked up from there.

“’She turned to the multitude of bodies on the floor and waved her hand, making each of them glow with eerie dark magic. What she was doing with them, she never revealed, but she faced him again once she was done. She was eager to hear him bitch about this some more – anything to give her a reason to slash his face again…’”

--

Caring for each other while ill

Being ill was taxing on the mind and body – aches and pains, headaches, coughing and sneezing, sore throats, the whole nine yards. It literally felt like death and wasn’t pleasant in the slightest. What made it worse, however, was that Dark Pit wound up catching the nasty flu bug from Robin. And he felt absolutely horrible for making his precious angel sick. As such, Robin took it upon himself to care for both of them. Stubborn little angel refused to stay in bed for too long, though, despite feeling like complete shit. Yet Robin did not possess the energy to protest.

As the two lay sprawled out in bed with the wrinkled sheets tangled haphazardly around their overheated bodies, Dark Pit glanced at the clock. Even the dim light of the digital numbers hurt his eyes, and he groaned. “…gotta check on the soup…” As he tried to lift his head up, the sinus pressure and throbbing pain nearly made him pass out. “…fuck… my head…”

“Still hurting?” Robin rasped quietly. His throat was painfully scratchy, disallowing much volume in his voice.

The angel gave an uncharacteristic whine, leaning his head against the tactician’s chest. Robin nuzzled him softly and grabbed his tactician robe to wrap around Dark Pit’s shoulders. Dragging himself out of bed, he scooped the angel up and carried him across the bedroom. Robin trudged across the floor which was littered with empty tissue boxes, empty bottles of cough syrup, used tissues that had overflowed from the wastebasket, and the humidifier that had done jack shit to help their compromised sinuses.

Once in the kitchen, Robin lowered Dark Pit onto his feet in front of the stove. The angel could barely stand from the debilitating pain racking his head and body, so Robin stood behind him with an arm wrapped around Dark Pit’s waist for support, allowing the angel to lean his entire body against his boyfriend. Lazily, Dark Pit stirred the pot of lamb stew while Robin reached for the two thermometers, slipping both in each other’s mouths. After a few moments and a sharp sniffle from the smaller male, Robin removed them and stared at the readings with a bleary-eyed expression – they still had high fevers.

“101.2 and 100.8…” Robin whispered before tuning his head and falling into a brief, but fierce coughing fit. His chest heaved painfully with each deep cough that threatened to kill his lungs and make his throat worse. Dark Pit winced at the loudness, but more so at the obvious agony Robin was in. Thankfully, the soup was done and he lifted the spoon to Robin’s lips.

“Still high… but going down, at least…” Dark Pit replied in a nasally tone as Robin took a few sips of the hot soup. Both of their fevers were above 102 yesterday, so that was a good sign. “Soup’s all ready…”

“Good… tastes great, by the way.” Robin grabbed the nearby bottle of cough syrup while Dark Pit prepared the bowls for them. After carrying the angel into their bedroom, the tactician went back to the kitchen and returned with the soup. Once they took their umpteenth dose of medicine, they fed each other spoonfuls of the soup. Despite being terribly ill, the two managed to share a few lighthearted chuckles as Robin would sometimes offer the spoon to Dark Pit only to lock lips with the angel instead. The levity helped them forget about their sickness and body aches for some brief yet precious moments. Of course, reality set back in, and before long, the soup was gone and the couple was ready for their next bout of rest.

“Only a few more days of this… I hope…” Dark Pit sighed, leaning his head against Robin’s shoulder. Nodding in agreement, Robin curled up with his beloved angel as they sat up against the headboard and waited for their food to settle down. Dark Pit was the first to conk out thanks to the medicine’s high dosage, which left Robin still awake and lazily penciling his fingers through the angel’s limp wings. Eventually, the medicine managed to knock Robin out as well, but not before he whispered a sweet ‘I love you’ into Dark Pit’s ear.