#and tomorrow i am tackling the fucked up sleep schedule with a morning run and swim with a friend like

[malpractice-morale]

i have missed uni and friends oh me oh my the last few days have been blessed with snacks, drinks and doggos

[bteezxyewriter12]

Stalker/ 3

Pairing- San x Named Reader

Word count- 6.3k

Includes- Assault, Violence, Some Gore, kidnapping, gang confrontation, physical assault, Jungkook is delusional, reader has given up, guns, shooting, bullet wounds, threatened murder suicide, San will stop at nothing to find reader

Masterlists- check out for more fics

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Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

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Jungkook POV

I'm fucking livid

Not only did I catch her coming out of the bathroom with San but then he threatens me

Me

Does he have a death wish?

He doesn't scare me

I only backed away because he had his gang with him

Eight on one is never good odds

Not only am I upset, I'm hurt

She fucked him and who knows what else

She's supposed to only be mine

No one touches her but me

He forced her

He had to have

She wouldn't...she loves me

He made her have sex with him

Just like he made her leave with his gang member

He doesn't know what I'd do for her, to get her back to me

He underestimates me and think his gang will protect him

He doesn't know I will kill every single one of them

I warned him

I told him not to fuck with me

He laughed in my face and bragged he wasn't scared

I'll show him and get her back at the same time

----------------------------------------------------

I get home and knock on Jimin's door

He opens it, rubbing his eyes

"Tomorrow", I say

He nods

"In the morning. We leave at nine"

He silently nods again, then closes his door when I walk away

I'm too wired to sleep

So I just sit on my bed and run through the plan again

---------------------------------------------------

"God it's so early", Jimin yawns

"Not that early"

"You woke me up at three to tell me about this plan. I couldn't get back to sleep until 5. It's early", he snaps

I roll my eyes

When did my gang become such whiny babies?

I peer around the corner of San's apartment, watching the door

Waiting for them to come out

It was ridiculously easy to follow him last week

Get his and her schedule down

They do the same thing everyday

Leave at nine or nine thirty and go eat

Then he drives her to work and drops her off at eleven

On Wednesdays and Fridays he stays with her at work

The other days, he sends one of his members who get there when they do

He goes to work at the gym

Calls her throughout the day

He gets out before her and picks her up everyday

Then they go back to his or her apartment before either going out for the night or one of his members come to stay with her while he does gang business

I hate seeing her with him but he's forcing this on her

Once she's back with me, she won't think of him anymore

Glancing at my watch, the time is nine twenty

Any minute now

As if on cue, the door to his apartment on the side of the house opens, both of them coming out

"I'm gonna stay with you today naekkeo", he saying as he locks the door

I hate that name he calls her

"Mine"

Fuck him

She'll never be his

"Oh yeah? Isn't Yunnie gonna be there already?"

He nods, pulling out his phone, "I'll text Yunho and tell him not to come"

"Ok", she smiles

"Now", I tell Jimin

They start walking down the sidewalk

I run to San and tackle him, bring him down face first

"What the fuck?", he yells

"Oh my god Sannie!", she shrieks, starting to move towards us

"Hold her!", I growl at Jimin, punching San in the back of the head to keep him down

It's not working

He's fighting like an animal to get up

But I'm stronger

Jimin grabs her arm and she turns to him, her eyes wide with surprise

"Min?", she questions, before he gets his arms around her, holding her back

"Min let go!", she screams and he puts one of his hands over her mouth to silence her

She fights against him but Jimin is way more stronger than her

San bucks up and I grab a fistful of his hair and slam him face into the sidewalk

She screams against Jimin's hand, yelling at me to stop

"I'm gonna fucking kill you", he yells, "Whoever is with him, get off of her and I won't kill you. Otherwise you're dead like him!"

He's in not any position to make threats

"Stay away from what's mine", I growl

"She's not yours motherfucker. She's not an object, you twisted fuck"

Of course she's not an object

I know that

But she's my reason for everything and I can't live without her

"She's mine", I repeat, smashing my fist into his ribs

"You're dead. Dead, do you hear me? I will find you and kill you. You better kill me because I won't stop until I hunt you down"

Please, like that scares me

Nothing scares me except being without her

"Oh I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to let you live knowing that I have her and you'll never find us"

I thought about killing him but this is better

Let him search for us for the rest of his life knowing she's with me

Knowing we're together forever

"She doesn't love you", he gasps in pain as I hit his body over and over

She's still screaming in the background but I ignore it for now

I'm doing this for us

"She does", I growl in his ear, "But on the chance that she doesn't, you will never have her. I will kill her, then myself. If I can't have her, no one will", I promise him

I fully plan on fulfilling that promise if need be

No one else can have her

"Are you fucking insane? Don't hurt her", he snarls

"Then you better pray that she still loves me"

He still struggles against me, even though I know I've broken bones on him

I've wasted enough time talking to him

We need to leave

I hold San down, reaching for a big rock I see surrounding a tree

Grabbing it I hold it up

"Ow fuck!", Jimin shouts

"No Jungkook no!", she shouts crying, "Please don't hurt him. Please."

I can't let her sway me

He needs to be knocked out so we can leave

And if he dies from the blow, then oh well

"Kookie no!", she cries as I smash San in the temple

He crumples on the floor, eyes closed, blood all over the rock and his head

"No Sannie.", she cries

Anger overwhelms me from hearing her cry his name

Throwing the rock on the floor, I stand up and spin to her

Walking up to her and Jimin, I pull my hand back and slap her as hard I can in the face

"Jungkook!", Jimin hisses

She gasps in pain and I immediately feel bad

I promised myself I wouldn't hit her again

Not anymore, I tell myself

I move her head gently back to face me

Fuck, her lip is split, blood falling down her face, staining her shirt

"We have to go baby", I tell her

She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes

"No Jungkook"

I nod, "Yes baby. You belong with me. Not him. Not anyone else. Me"

The tears spill down her face, my heart hurting that she's hurt

Over that asshole that brainwashed her against me

I wipe her eyes, kissing her cheek

"It's ok baby. We're together again"

I take her hand, telling Jimin to let go of her

He does and I lead her to my car

She resists at first, but the more I pull her the more she walks

Jimin knows to go back to the house and keep quiet

"C'mon baby. Walk faster"

"Where...where are we going?", she whispers

"A new house baby. Far away from here"

She sobs, "Again Kookie?"

I stop at the car, turning to her, nodding

"Yeah baby. We need to leave, where no one can find us and we can be together. Ok?"

She looks down at the floor, nodding, "Ok"

"Ok baby", I say, kissing her cheek

I open the car door for her and she goes in the front seat

I get in the car and start it

Time to start our new life

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San POV

"San! Can you hear me? San?"

"Move aside so I can work!", someone shouts

I fight through the grogginess and pain, forcing my eyes open

"He's awake!"

My head is killing me and I can't figure out who's talking

All I know is I have to see if she's alright

I heard her screaming and crying, I need to check on her

"Joanne", I whimper, pain flaring through my face

"What? What did he say?"

"He said a girl's name. Joanne?", someone answers

More pain comes in my head as I feel someone touching my head and a pinching sensation

"What-", I start

"Stop moving", the person booms

I stop and blink repeadly, my vision focusing more and more

There's a man I've never seen standing over me

"Who the fuck are you?", I snap

"San, relax", Hongjoong's voice comes from my left

I start to turn my head to him but the guy yells, "Stop moving!"

I glare at him and he snaps, "If you don't want to fucking bleed out then stop fucking moving"

"Hongjoong", I warn, "Where am I?"

"Dr. Mendes' house"

Dr. Mendes

Hongjoong's "doctor"

He was a doctor for a cartel before he had to run

Korea is his latest stop

I have no clue how Hongjoong hooked up with him but he's the gang's doctor

I know Yunho, Jongho and Seonghwa have been to him before when they were hurt from some fights

I've never been to him and I've never seen him

"Why am I here?"

"Because Yunho found you unconscious and bleeding on the sidewalk by your apartment. When you and Joanne didn't show up, he went looking for you guys at your apartment. He found you. Not her"

Fuck

He took her

"What happened?", Hongjoong asks

"He took her"

"He? Jungkook?"

"Yes", I say, wincing from the pain

I realize that the doctor is stitching my head, "He jumped me from behind. Knocked me down. Kept hitting me. Motherfucker is strong"

It was insane

I can't believe he held me down and got all those hits in

While it hurt, my fear wasn't for me

It was for her and what he was going to do with her

"She didn't stop him?"

"He had someone with him. That guy grabbed her and held her back. I heard her yelling before he knocked me out"

What he told me...about the murder suicide....I'm so fucking scared

I need to find her

"How bad is it?", I ask

"Broken ribs, bruises on your body and face. Split lip, black eye, cut on you cheek and a gash on your temple. You're lucky that the last blow didn't crack your skull or kill you. You most likely have a concussion", the doctor answers

All things I've had before and isn't going to stop me from going after her

"I'd suggest rest but by your conversation that's not happening"

He finishes with my head, adding some ointment and putting a bandage on my head

"No it's not", I answer

"I'll give you pain medication to take for now. But after you do your revenge thing, I recommend taking it easy and rest"

I just nod

Once I have her back, I'll rest

Not before

I stand up, feeling dizzy and swaying

Hongjoong grabs my arm, steadying me

The doctor comes back and hands me some pills, "Take one every eight hours if you cannot handle the pain"

I can handle it

I don't need pain meds fogging my mind right now

I need to focus

I hand the bottle to Hongjoong

He can sell them for money

Hongjoong pays Dr. Mendes and we leave

"What now?", Hongjoong asks as we get to the car

"We get the guys. I know where we can get information on where this fucker took her"

He nods and we get in the car

----------------------------------------------------

Swinging the bat, I break down the door, walking inside the Bangtan house

"Where the fuck is she?", I roar, the guys coming in behind me

"What the fuck?", one of them comes out of a room

Hoseok

He's not the one I'm looking for

I see the leader, Namjoon walking towards me and he's pissed

Like I care

"What are you fucking doing?", Namjoon yells

"Where is she?", I bellow

"Who?", he questions

"Joanne. Where is she?"

He raises his eyebrow, "Not here"

Bullshit

She has to be here

Or one of them has to know where she is

I know one of them grabbed her while he hit me

"You have two seconds to tell me where she is or-"

"Or what?", Namjoon scoffs, the rest of his gang coming out and surrounding him

"Or I will kill every single one of you for helping that psycho"

"You motherfucker-", Namjoon starts but the one named Jin speaks over him

"Alright. No one needs to die", he says calmly, "Hi. I don't know you but obviously you're looking for Joanne. And apparently something happened that we aren't aware of because we have no idea where she is"

They're really going to deny it?

Ok, I'm ready to fight

I take a step towards Yoongi, who rolls his eyes

A hand stops me

Hongjoong

I resist the urge to slap his hand away

"Something did happen", Hongjoong says, "San and Joanne were attacked by Jungkook this morning. Jungkook beat San in a surprise attack from behind then hit him with a rock, knocking him unconscious while someone else grabbed Joanne"

"One of you!", I yell

All this talking is wasting time

I need to get her back

She's not safe with him

"We didn't help him", Yoongi argues

"You expect me to believe that?", I growl

Does he think I'm stupid?

Because he'll be in for a huge fucking surprise

"Yes. He asked us for help. We said no.", Yoongi snaps

Hongjoong's eyebrow raises, "You said no? To one of your members?"

"Yes", Hoseok answers, "We told him to leave her alone. She put him in prison and she's with San. If that's not a clear "I'm moving on", I don't know what is but he wouldn't hear it. We know he's obsessed with her. We called him out on it. He got pissed. End of it"

Not end of it

Not if I end up knocked out and her kidnapped

"Then who grabbed her? It had to be one for you! I heard her say his name, like she knew him and was surprised he was there. I just can't remember the fucking name because a rock was smashed to my head!"

I feel like I'm losing it

I'm so scared he's going to hurt her

I'm scared she's going to give into him to get him to stop hurting me

I'm terrified he's going to follow through on the threat he whispered in my ear

"One of you knows where he took her and that one is going to tell me. Now!", I bark

"We can't help you. None of us were with-", Namjoon starts

"It was me", Jimin says cutting off Namjoon

All of them turn to him, shocked

"What the fuck Jimin? Why?", Tae yells

"Because he loves her. He needs her to function. She's all he thinks about and he won't be able to do anything else, anything that involves the gang until he has her back. And I felt bad for him. He just got out of prison and I know he was hurt when San said he was her boyfriend"

He has got to be fucking kidding

"So you decide to assault me, almost kill me and kidnap her?", I shriek, "Don't you know what he did to her last time he kidnapped her?"

"I...yes", he admits and I want to murder him

"So why would you help him again?", Namjoon snaps

"I told you why. He's not going to hurt her"

I close my eyes, trying to breathe

"Tell me where he is now"

"No"

I'm done talking

Shoving Hongjoong aside, I run to Jimin, my fist connecting with his jaw

His head snaps to the side, his body starting to fall before he rights himself

"What the fuck?", Namjoon and Hongjoong shout

Ignoring them, I grab Jimin by the shirt, ready to punch him again

"Where is she? He going to kill her. Tell me where she is", I roar in his face

"He's not going to kill her", he answers, his mouth starting to blow up

"Yes he is you stupid fuck. He told me he is. If she doesn't stay with him, if she doesn't love him, which she doesn't, he's going to kill her then himself. He told me, before I passed out that if he can't have her no one will"

"Fucking idiot", Yoongi mutters

"He...he wouldn't", Jimin stammers

"You dumb fuck of course he would!", Tae yells at him, "You know how completely insane he is when it comes to her! If he thinks she'll be taken from him and she wants to leave him he won't hesitate to kill her. Then kill himself"

"I didn't...didn't know", Jimin answers

"You would of if you asked one of us Jimin.", Jin says, "We would of told you not to help him"

So even Jungkook's gang knew he was taking it too far when it comes to her

They didn't want to help him but this idiot did

"Where is she?", I snarl

"I...I'm not sure"

"If she dies, I will kill you. They-", I nod at his gang, "Will not be able to save you. I will go through all of them to get to you"

I will

If they try to protect him, I will not hesitate to kill them all

Without Jimin, Jungkook couldn't have grabbed her

"You love her", he says to me

"You're goddamn right I fucking love her.", I growl, "And if you took my chance to tell her away, I will end you"

I hate that she doesn't know I love her

I never thought something like this would happen

I underestimated Jungkook and if she dies without knowing how much I love her, it'll destroy me

I won't underestimate him again

"Tell me where she is"

"I'm not sure. He talked about a house in Daegu. By Yeongnam Jeil Gwan"

"Motherfucker!", Yoongi yells

"What?", Namjoon snaps

"That fucking shit! That's my goddamn house he went to!"

His house

"Address", I demand

Yoongi starts telling me the address when Namjoon yells, "What the fuck Yoongi?"

"I fucking told him and I told you, I am not dying because of this. I like Joanne ok, but she's not worth my death"

He looks at me, "No offense"

I don't care, he doesn't need to die for her

"He's part of our gang", Hobi says

"Is he? He hasn't been doing anything for the gang. He's been obsessing on how to get her! He's putting us all in danger for his selfish reasons!"

"How-", Tae starts

"Do you not see a rival gang in our fucking living room? They just broke down the door! What if they came in shooting? Is that how he's part of our gang? Doing shit and taking off leaving us clueless and with his problem? You don't agree with me fine. I'll leave the gang. But I'm telling him the address to my house that Jungkook decided to fucking take over"

Not going to lie, I like Yoongi

He's smart

Yoongi tells me the whole address, then turns around and leaves the room

I let go of Jimin

"You better pray she's still alive", I warn

"Alright, let's go!", Hongjoong says loudly

He turns to Namjoon, "Sorry about the door"

Then we leave

I walk to my car

I'm going to Daegu

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J POV

I stare up at the ceiling, laying in Jungkook's arms

I don't know what to do

I can't get the image of him hurting San out of my head

Of him hitting San with the rock, the sound it made when it crashed into his head

The sight of San laying there, bleeding

Jungkook killed him

In front of me this time

Not behind my back like last time

I breathe deeply, tears falling

I haven't stopped crying since it happened

I don't know where we are

All I know is that we're in a new house again

I'm handcuffed to him

But the thing is, I don't have to be

I've given up

He killed the man I love and I have no where to go

I can never be in another relationship, not with Jungkook alive

He'll kill every guy who comes near me

So I'm just with him, letting him do whatever he wants

If he wants a kiss, I'll give it to him

If he wants me to cook for him, I'll do it

If he wants to cuddle, we'll cuddle

I don't feel anything inside, just numbness so I don't care about doing these things

The only thing I can't do is have sex with him

So far he's being understanding when I say no but I don't know how long that will be for

He's extremely angry that I had sex with San, let San touch me

I apologize for it every time to avoid him hitting me but he's gotten angry and smacked me around a few times already

I have a few bruises on my body, some on my face

I learned to just apologize last time and that's all I'm doing now

Telling him what he wants to hear

But honestly I don't care if he kills me or not

San is gone and I didn't get to tell him that I love him

I got him killed and he didn't know how much he means to me, how much I love him

I bite my lip to keep from crying, the tears still falling

It hurts to bite my lip because it's split from when Jungkook hit me

Everytime I bite it, I open the scab and it bleeds

Like it is now

I taste blood but I can't find it in myself to care

I wish I could sleep like Jungkook can but I can't

I'm not tired

I just keep thinking of San

And I'm miserable

----------------------------------------------------

Jungkook is kissing me and I'm just letting him

We're laying down in the bed again

Jungkook uncuffed me after he woke up from the nap

He's letting me around the house by myself

I took a shower, then watched TV with Jungkook

He got us food and then he wanted to come to the bedroom

I'm worried because I don't want to have sex

I know I will have to eventually but not yet

San just died and I can't

I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to touch him

San is all I think about

All day

And I wish he was here

I miss San so much

Just thinking that I'll never see him again takes my breath away

And makes tears well in my eyes

Jungkook pulls away, looking down at me

"What's wrong baby?", he asks concerned

I know in his own twisted way he loves me so much

And I have accepted that this is my life now

I just wish San wasn't dead

"Nothing Kookie"

"Come on baby, you're crying. Why?", he asks, wiping my tears

I can't tell him it's because San is dead

He'll go crazy

"I just...I've never seen someone killed in front of me. It....it was scary", I tell him

It's not a total lie

It was terrifying

And it's a way of telling him I miss San without saying that

"I'm sorry baby. I was just so mad that he tried to take you from me"

He softly touches my cheek, "Don't be scared baby. I won't hurt you like that. I promise"

I know he believes that in this moment but I don't know if he'll remember when he's angry

When he's hitting me

But all I say is ok

"I love you", he says

I force a smile

He's told me he loves me all day but I can't say it back

I know he's expecting it but I just can't

I have to do other things like smile and hug him

I touch his cheeks softly, looking at him with what I hope is an imitation of love

He smiles at me, kissing me again

Sudden there's a huge banging sound at what I'm guessing is the front door

"What the fuck?", Jungkook snarls, handcuffing me to the bed

I hear a commotion in the front, my name being called

My name?

Who's calling my name?

Who found us?

"Stay here", Jungkook growls

Like I have an option of moving

I'm handcuffed to the bed

Jungkook starts making his way to the door when it's smashed open

"Naekkeo!", I hear, lifting my head at his voice

I have to be dreaming

I have to be

This isn't real

I saw him, dead on the ground

Bleeding on the ground

So how is he standing here?

How is San here?

How?

I'm completely confused as Jungkook starts running towards San

With a gun

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San POV

I'm out of the car as soon as I see the house, not waiting for the guys

I need to get to her now

I get to the front door, swinging Hongjoong's bat at the door knob

The hit doesn't knock it off, but it bends it, breaking the wood around it

I keep swinging the bat, hitting the knob as hard as I can

I need to get into the house and get her

Now

The next hit breaks the knob clear off and I kick the door open

"JOANNE!", I bellow, walking carefully inside the house

Jungkook is a psycho and I don't want to get my head blown off

I hear the guys file in behind me

"Find her", I tell them

I head upstairs, looking through the first room on the side of the landing

She's not here

I go through room after room, but she's not in any of them

How many rooms does this fucking house have?

The last room is across the hall and I head right for there

"Stay here", I hear Jungkook yelling

She's in there

I kick the door in, calling her

"Naekkeo!"

She on the bed, looking up at me like she's seen a ghost

I immediately get angry at seeing the bruises on her face

Suddenly she yells, "He has a gun!"

I immediately find Jungkook

He's running towards me with a gun pointed at me

I dive to the side just as he squeezes the trigger, the bullet embedding in the wall

Fuck

I take out my gun and hold it on him

"Get the fuck out", he growls

"No. I'm taking her with me"

"Over my dead body"

Ok, that's not a problem

I get a clear shot and I take it

He moves just in time, the bullet hitting the wall

He rolls his eyes, moving quickly to her

I run towards her when I see him move

Fear shoots down my body as he goes behind her, puts his arm around her and holds the gun to her head

"Stop!", I shout, "Don't hurt her!"

He shakes his head, "I told you. I told you that if I can't have her, no one will"

"Ok, ok" I say, keeping my gun on him, "Leave her alone. Don't shoot her"

"Then leave. Now!", he barks

I shake my head, "No. I came for her. I'm not leaving without her"

"She's not yours!", he yells as I try desperately to keep my hand steady

She's deathly still, calm, not moving an inch

A look of acceptance on her face

No

She can't accept that she's going to die

I don't accept it and she can't

"Don't hurt her. If you love her why do you hurt her?", I shout, "How is that love?"

"Don't tell me about love! She's the only thing keeping me alive. She's my only reason for anything I do. Her"

"Then why are you trying to end her life?", I scream, getting frustrated

I can't get a clear shot of his head

He's behind her

"Because I can't live without her! And she can't be with anyone else. So she dies and I follow her where we'll be together forever"

He's delusional

Completely cracked

"San!", I hear Hongjoong and Yeosang at the doorway

Panic fills Jungkook's eyes and I yell, "Stop. Don't come in"

They pause at the doorway, not moving

"San what's going on?", Yeosang asks

Ever since he saw Jungkook in the club, he's been keeping his mouth shut about her

His being here does mean a lot to me

"He's holding a gun to her head"

"Fuck", Hongjoong says

"You better make them leave or I'll shoot her right now!", Jungkook screams

"Ok, I will. Don't hurt her", I answer keeping my eyes on him

To Hongjoong and Yeosang I say, "Leave."

"San-", Yeosang starts

"Go. Leave", I yell

I hear their reluctant footsteps moving down the hall

"They're gone. Let her go"

"No"

I'm going to fucking scream and lose it

He's using her as a shield and I don't want to hit her

I keep hoping he'd move so I can get a shot

"This isn't going to end well", I tell him

"Either way, she's dead"

He cocks his gun, my heart dropping to my feet

"She doesn't have to be. You can just let her go"

"Not happening"

"Kookie please. You said you wouldn't hurt me", she says softly

I watch hesitation fill his face

"You told me to not be scared. That you wouldn't hurt me like you hurt San"

He's faultering, his eyes moving to her before looking back at me

If anyone can get through to him, it's her

"I don't want to die Kookie. I don't want you to die either"

I believe that she doesn't want him to die

I believe that she wants him to move on and be happy

It just can't be with her

Me, I don't care if he dies

He almost killed me and he took her

Hit her

Hurt her

That's something I can't forgive

Not what he did to me, what he did to her

"I need you baby. I can't let him take you", he says softly

"But we don't have to die Kookie"

I can see she's getting to him

He moves the gun down, off her, moving to her side

I have a clear shot of his shoulder and I shoot

He yells as the bullet embeds I'm his shoulder, her yelling in fright

He drops the gun, backing up against the wall

I shoot twice into one of his kneecaps, then twice into the other

"You fucking bastard!", he shouts, falling down

I walk towards them, my gun aimed at him

I wouldn't put it past him to still get up and come at me

He's moaning, hate still in his eyes as he looks at me

I aim the gun at his head when I stand close to him

I cock the gun getting ready to shoot

"Don't kill him Sannie", she whispers, making me stop and look at her

She's looking at me with fear in her eyes

"Don't be like him"

She's right

I want to kill him but if I do I'll be doing the same thing he did

Getting rid of people who want to take her from me

I'll be just like him

No way

I take a breath, then hit him hard in the head with my gun

His head falls back, his eyes closed

He's unconscious and I drop my gun, running to her

"Naekkeo", I cry, pulling her against me

She hugs me with one hand, her other handcuffed to the bed

Her hand is immediately touching my face, her forehead against mine

"Baby", she sobs, "Sannie. I thought you were dead. He hit you and you didn't move. I thought.."

She hugs me, crying in my neck, holding onto me tightly

"No naekkeo. He didn't. Nothing was going to kill me and keep me away from you"

She cries harder, her tiny body trembling in my arms

"I thought you were dead and I didn't get to tell you"

"Tell me what baby? I'm here, you can tell me anything", I say, trying to calm her but honestly my arms are shaking too

"I love you Sannie. I love you so much. I thought you died not knowing how much I love you."

Pure unfiltered happiness hits me so hard

I didn't know I could feel this happy

Pulling back, I look back in her eyes, smiling so wide

"I love you so much Joanne. I was so scared naekkeo. I didn't care about what he did to me but I was terrified that he was going to hurt you", I tell her, "He told me that if he couldn't have you he'd kill you then kill himself. I couldn't let that happen. I hadn't told you I love you and if he took you before I could....I didn't know what I'd do. I'm so glad that didn't happen"

"Me too baby. I love you. I thought I was going to die when I thought you were dead. I missed you so much. Please Sannie, I just want you"

I nod, "I just want you too naekkeo. You're mine"

She nods too, "You're mine"

"Oh definitely baby. I always was"

She pulls me into a kiss I am so fucking glad I can have

A knock interrupts us

"Everything good in here?", Yeosang asks

We pull away and I say, "Yeah. Jungkook is unconscious. Joanne is safe. She's just handcuffed to the bed"

"Where's the key?"

I look at her but she shrugs helplessly

"This is the first time he handcuffed me to something that wasn't him. I didn't see where he put it"

Yeosang pulls out his phone, typing on it

"He kept you handcuffed?", I ask quietly, angrily

She nods, "At first. When we first got here he handcuffed me to him when he took a nap. Then he left me uncuffed all day until he heard you banging on the door"

I close my eyes, breathing in, so angry

I feel her hand on my face, her lips against mine in a quick kiss

"It's ok Sannie. I'm with you now"

I nod, looking at her, "I'll protect you naekkeo. I'm so sorry I didn't before"

She shakes her head, "No baby. It wasn't your fault. They surprised us. It's not your fault"

I know she believes that

I don't believe it

It was my fault

I got comfortable

If I was more aware of my surroundings I would of heard him running at me

It's my fault she has bruises on her cheek, a black eye, a split lip

My fault why she's handcuffed to a fucking bed

"Did he....", I trail off unsure how to ask her if he forced her to have sex with her

"No Sannie. He didn't. He kissed me but that's it. He...he didn't have a chance to try to before you came"

I nod, relieved

I'm not happy he was kissing her but she wasn't mine when he did that

Now she is

"Someone need handcuffs off?", Hongjoong says, strolling in holding metal clipper cutters

"Where the fuck did you get metal clippers?", I ask Hongjoong

First the bat, now this

He keeps pulling shit out of thin air

He shrugs, "You never know when you need to cut off fingers"

She and I just stare at him

"You're scary", she declares

He smiles at her, "Thanks"

He comes over, getting the clippers between the cuffs and her skin

"Be careful", I warn him

He rolls his eyes, "I'm not going to cut her. Relax"

He snaps the handles closed, the metal snapping in half

He removes the clippers and the cuff falls off

She launches herself at me, her arms around my neck, her lips against mine

I smile against her lips, holding her and kissing her back

"What the fuck is all this blood on my carpet!", I hear shrieking

For the second time, we pull away from each other, looking towards the door

"Yoongi?", she gasps

I mean same, I don't know why he's here

He looks at her, "Hi Jo"

Then at me, "Seriously San? You break my door and now you got blood all over my carpet!"

"This is your house?", she asks

Yoongi nods, "Yes. And by the way he brought you here without my permission or my knowledge"

"But Jimin-"

"Was an idiot. He was the only one who helped Jungkook. The only one who knew what he was planning", Yoongi explains

She looks at him doubtfully, "None of you knew?"

Yoongi shakes his head, "No. He asked us to help him and we all said no. We told him to leave you alone. We found out about all this when San kicked our door in"

She looks at me, her eyebrow raised

"You broke their door down?"

I nod

"You weren't scared?"

I shake my head, "No naekkeo. I just wanted to find you. And I knew someone helped him but I couldn't remember the name you said when Jimin grabbed you. So I went to them because I knew it was one of them"

Her mouth drops in shock

I just smile at her

"San wasn't supposed to destroy my house", Yoongi says pointedly

I roll my eyes, "It's a door and a carpet. That's it"

"Uh uh. The walls have bullets", he points out

"Ok fine. I'll pay for it"

"Not necessary. Just get the fuck out of my house"

Ok then

"What about Jungkook?", she asks

Right, I forgot about him

"We'll get him to a guy I know. He'll survive"

She nods, then we stand up

Taking her hand, I lead her out of the room

"Bye Yoongi", she says softly

"Bye Jo"

"Ready to go home?", I ask

She nods, "Definitely"

@seokwoosmole

@mingtina

@jijipiko

@urvashi435

[lockefanfic]

Business Trip - Part 11: Anger

“Sit. The fuck. Down. And don’t. Fucking. Move.”

Seolhyun is hesitant at first, but she slowly moves toward one of the leather chairs, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes as she does so, although you could tell that she did so just to keep up her front. She clearly wasn’t betting on Momo calling her on her bluff.

“Sit and watch how a real girl fucks,” Momo says, every word a dagger, her eyes and glare boring holes into Seolhyun, who suddenly looked a lot less confident than she was when she walked into the room.

“You,” Momo says as she faces you, her eyes burning with intensity, “come here and fuck me.”

“Momo, I want you and Choa to speak to the convention organizers. Tell them we want to reschedule our presentation to Thursday afternoon. That will give us two days to come up with something to present.”

 The two women still look shellshocked as you exit the convention auditorium and gather in the main hall, but they nonetheless give small nods of understanding.

 “Mina, I want you to look into the legal ramifications of what they’ve done. Look into any possibility for patent infringement or intellectual property theft, and whether they’ve violated some law or regulation.”

 The young woman is composed, as always, and gives you an affirmative nod. She clearly had antifreeze running through her veins, being the only one of your team that didn’t look outwardly furious, or shocked, or both.

 “Seolhyun, speak to your people back in Seoul. I need to know how the hell they stole your tech from under our noses. Look for any evidence of an external hack or an internal database download or anything of that sort. Figure out how they did this without anyone in your goddamn company realizing it.”

 Your last sentence carried a little more edge than you were intending, but you know the fierce look of anger on Seolhyun’s face is directly mostly at Tzuyu and Sana, and not at you.

 “Those two will pay for this,” she says, her tone sharp.

 “They will. But let’s do this right. I’ll get on the phone with head office back home and figure out what our next moves will be. Let’s all concentrate on getting these things done, then let’s take the rest of the day off to rest, recharge, and burn off our anger. I want everyone with a clear head when we meet tomorrow morning to tackle this.”

 Choa, Mina, and Seolhyun all head off to take on the duties assigned to them, each with a mixture of lingering shock, determination, and anger painted on their respective faces. Following the stunt that Tzuyu and Sana had just pulled, you felt you needed to give them something constructive to focus on instead of letting themselves fall victim to anger or despair. Momo remains, and as the others leave, she draws you close into a hug. Your arms wrap around her frame, which suddenly felt very small against you.

 “I’m both sad and angry,” she says softly.

 “I know,” you say, unable to find more comforting words. You stroke the back of her head gently with your right hand, your left arm squeezing her tightly against you.

 “Why would she do that to us?”

 “I don’t know, Momo,” you say, speaking truthfully, “I don’t know…”

 ---

 It is almost midnight when you finally return to your hotel room after several hours of phone calls, video calls, and face to face meetings with your team and the conference organizers. The understandably surprised and upset conference organizers eventually came around, however, and you were able to delay JYP Inc.’s presentation to Thursday, buying some time to find something to actually present.

 JYP himself was understandably furious at the afternoon’s turn of events, but he was also supportive during your phone call with him, refraining from laying any blame at your team’s feet and instead ensuring that you had the full backing of the company and access to the entirety of its resources.

 “Do whatever it takes to make sure they pay for this,” he said, his usually cheery voice possessing an edge that you’d not heard until then, “you have free reign to do as you see fit. I trust you. Make them regret ever thinking they could mess with JYP Inc.”

 Confident that you had your boss’s full backing, you decided to call it a night and get as much sleep as possible before tackling the problem head on tomorrow.

 You are staring out the window at the blinking, bright lights of Taiwan’s downtown district, seeking the solutions to your problem amidst the tall buildings of glass and steel, in much the same way that you did in Tokyo and Seoul. You’d always found something calming in watching a downtown skyline.

 “You always get this look on your face,” Momo says softly as she approaches you at the window, “when you stare outside the window. It’s like you’re meditating with your eyes open.”

 “I guess I am, in a way. It’s comforting to know that there are so many other people out there, each fighting their own battle, just like we are,” you reply, accepting the glass of whiskey Momo passes to you. She had raided the hotel room’s mini bar, outrageous markup prices be damned. You both needed a drink after today’s events.

 Momo nods as she weighs your words over in her head, taking a sip of the strong whiskey as she does so. She lets out a hard breath, the way people do when the liquor hits the right spot.

 “That’s good stuff,” she says, licking her lips and swirling the amber liquid around in her glass, staring intently at it as though the solutions to your company’s dilemna were to be found at the bottom.

 You turn your gaze to her, and you are struck by the beauty of her soft features highlighted in the blue and red neon lights outside your window. She had spent some long hours trying to convince the convention organizers to completely revamp their schedule to accommodate your rescheduling request, and you were proud of her for managing to accomplish that difficult task.

 You are about to give voice to your thoughts, but you are interrupted by your phone vibrating in your pocket. Given the day’s events you knew you had to check it, in case it was something urgent.

 KimSeolhyun says: What are you doing?

 You say: Resting in my hotel room. You?

 KimSeolhyun says: I’m coming over. Be ready, I’m horny as fuck.

 You say: Momo’s here.

 KimSeolhyun says: Are you fucking?

 You say: No lol.

 KimSeolhyun says: Good. Then she can watch or leave, I don’t give a shit. Rough day. Need a fuck. Remember that deal we made.  I’m on the way.

 “Head office?” Momo asks.

 “No,” you say, readying yourself for Momo’s reaction, “it’s Seolhyun.”

 Momo rolls her eyes and lets out a snort that could only be understood as disapproval. She had not gotten over her dislike for Seolhyun over what happened in Seoul, and the awkwardness and tension between them was evident every time they were in the same room.

 “I’ll turn her away,” you say, raising your phone to type a reply.

 “No,” Momo interrupts, “you can have her. I’ll go find Choa and have a drink somewhere.”

 “You’re not pissed?”

 “I hate her guts, but even I have to admit she’s pretty goddamn hot. I’d fuck her if I had a dick. Or even if I didn’t. Either way, go have your fun.”

 “What did I do to deserve you?” you ask with a smile, meaning every word.

 “I dunno,” Momo says with a grin, “just make sure you tell me all about it afterward. I wanna know if she fucks as good as she looks.”

 The young woman downs the rest of her whiskey in a single gulp.

 “...and make sure you save some energy for me later.”

 Momo winks before turning and grabbing her hoodie from a nearby chair, and again, you find yourself thankful to whatever gods may be that this woman was in your life.

 She is only halfway to the door when there is a knock - Seolhyun certainly didn’t waste any time. Deciding it would be best if you answered it and not Momo, you walk past her and open the door.

 Seolhyun is wearing a neutral look on her face, but it deepens into a look of annoyance when she realizes Momo is still there. The young woman walks nonchalantly into the room, taking off her black leather jacket and throwing it onto the leather couch. Momo gives Seolhyun a glare as she passes and moves towards the door.

 “Maybe you should stick around,” Seolhyun says, her tone confrontational, “maybe you’ll learn something.”

 You’d seen Momo angry before; you’d even seen her infuriated. But that was only in a work environment, often when something went wrong with a project or when the office printer had chosen that particular time to jam. But you had never seen a look of fury on her face the way you did at that moment.

 The Japanese girl turns sharply and goes face to face with Seolhyun until their noses are inches apart. Seolhyun apparently wasn’t anticipating Momo to react the way she did, given the look of surprise and hesitation on her face. When Momo speaks, every syllable is laced with venom.

 “Sit. The fuck. Down. And don’t. Fucking. Move.”

 Seolhyun is hesitant at first, but she slowly moves toward one of the leather chairs, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes as she does so, although you could tell that she did so just to keep up her front. She clearly wasn’t betting on Momo calling her on her bluff.

 “Sit and watch how a real girl fucks,” Momo says, every word a dagger, her eyes and glare boring holes into Seolhyun, who suddenly looked a lot less confident than she was when she walked into the room.

 “You,” Momo says as she faces you, her eyes burning with intensity, “come here and fuck me.”

 You down your whiskey in one gulp, leave the glass on the coffee table, and step towards Momo, but she meets you halfway, and before you know it your bodies are crashing together, arms wrapping around familiar torsos, your mouths meeting and tongues seeking their counterparts in that wonderful moment when lust takes over - but this lust is different; it is fueled not insignificantly by anger, frustration, and the desire to vent it all out through physical, sexual means.

 For a moment you forget Seolhyun is there, sitting not even five feet away. But as Momo breaks your kiss to dive into your neck, your eyes open slightly, enough to see the blank expression on the young Korean woman’s face turn into one of intense concentration, her eyes enraptured and surprised by what was about to happen in front of her.

 Momo, for her part, seems to have forgotten entirely that there is another woman in the room, moving quickly from your neck to your chest, taking advantage of the fact that you were wearing a button up shirt. Her slim fingers work quickly on its buttons, following the trail of steadily revealed skin with soft kisses down the front of your chest, until finally she is on her knees in front of you.

 She works your belt, pants button and zipper quickly, hooking fingers into your boxers as soon as they are visible, dragging your pants and underwear down until they are at your knees. She turns, shoots the shocked Seolhyun a “watch this and learn” look, and dives into your crotch, her small pink tongue immediately finding the base of your quickly hardening cock and licking upward, slowly, until she reaches the tip.

 Your shaft hardens quicker than you ever thought was possible. It had been a hard, difficult day, and the thought of fucking Momo in order to vent some of your frustration was more than enough to get you ready, but having Seolhyun there, seeing Momo put her in her place - it all formed a heady mix of intense pleasure.

 Before you know it Momo has taken the entirety of your shaft into her mouth, your cock wrapped by her warm, wet cavern and the dextrous muscle of her tongue that is pressing against the underside of your shaft. As she withdraws your shaft, she swirls her tongue around the head; she had had many months to know what you wanted when it came to blowing you, and she knew full well that she was shooting spikes of intense pleasure up your spine with every lick and suck.

 In your peripheral vision you catch movement from Seolhyun, and you turn your head to watch her squirming and moving her thighs, trying and failing to keep up the impression that she wasn’t at all intensely aroused by what was going on in front of her. But as Momo’s hand joins her mouth in pleasuring you, pumping up and down on the base of your shaft in tandem with her mouth, you let a soft gasp escape your lips - one that seems to impact Seolhyun as well, a brief look of pleasure washing over her beautiful face, her mouth opening ever so slightly, as though some small measure of the pleasure Momo was imposing on your body had carried over to her.

 You involuntarily bring your left hand to Momo’s face, seeking to touch her, seeking any kind of physical contact with the young woman on her knees pleasuring you. You want to do the same with your right hand, want to bring both your hands to her head and rock your hips and fuck her face - but you know Momo wants to show off, wants to ensure Seolhyun sees how good she is. And so you leave your right arm where it is, ensuring the older Korean girl has a perfect view of your hard shaft as it plunges in and out of Momo’s mouth, slathered and glistening with her saliva.

 “Fuck that’s good,” you say, the words spilling out of your mouth before you even realize your brain has formed them. Momo responds by letting your hard shaft pop out of her mouth, holding it against her lips, her pink tongue darting out to lick the underside of your head, taking delight in watching the pleasure twist your face as she stimulates what she knows is the most sensitive part of your cock.

 The Japanese girl takes advantage of the fact that you are paralyzed by pleasure and stands up, bringing both her hands to your shoulders, pushing you down slightly onto the leather couch. You take a moment to rid yourself of your bothersome pants and boxers, and you do so quickly enough to ensure you don’t miss what you know is going to happen next; for her part, Momo waits patiently while you undress before she follows your lead.

 Slowly, knowing two pairs of eyes were glued onto her body, she undoes the buttons of her grey blazer, sliding it down her shoulders until it falls into a pool of cloth at her feet. She is wearing grey shorts beneath it, but those don’t last long either, her fingers equally as adept at undoing her own clothes as they are at undoing yours. She is wearing a simple black bra and a black thong beneath - neither is overly scandalous, the thong even being relatively conservative as far as thongs go - but she is nonetheless ridiculously sexy, every inch and curve of her body radiating lust, and desire, and sex.

 In a final gesture of seduction, she reaches behind her head with her right hand and undoes whatever ridiculous contraption is keeping her hair up - she had gotten a new haircut before leaving for Taiwan, and while a part of you missed the medium length brown hair she used to have, there is no denying that the short black hair that tumbles down to her neck only increases the raw lust she projects into the room. It amazed you to see what a simple haircut could do to a woman’s raw sexiness.

 As if staring at her toned, perfectly proportioned curves were not enough, she takes it one step further, turning around so her back is facing you, before bending over and removing her thong - the full, round cheeks of her ass and the toned, creamy skin of her thighs on full display in front of you. As the black cotton drops you catch a glimpse of pink flesh between her legs, already glistening, already begging for penetration. She tosses the flimsy piece of underwear in your lap.

 But Momo is in control here - she knows she is putting on a show, and she loves it - loves the fact that she has not one, but two people in the room wrapped around her finger, their eyes glued to her near naked body, enraptured by every movement she makes. And so when she reaches behind her and undoes her bra, she tosses it to land on Seolhyun’s lap.

 You had forgotten, as was becoming worryingly common, that Seolhyun was even there, but as the bra lands in her lap you watch the final vestiges of resistance flee from her beautiful face. Her features contort in pleasure - not unlike the look she had when you fucked her in Seoul - as though the bra landing on her lap caused a spike of pleasure to shoot up her spine and into her brain. She had broken. She belonged, as you did, to Momo now.

 Seolhyun reaches a hand to touch the bra in her lap - before her hand moves lower, to the hem of her short black dress, and underneath it. Her fingers draw the hem of her dress upward, revealing perfect, creamy skin, until her fingers graze the space between her legs. She doesn’t care anymore about maintaining her image, doesn’t care that Momo has established dominance - she needs to touch herself, the brazen display in front of her becoming too much for her to handle without seeking some sort of release for her own. Seolhyun bites her lip as her fingers work between her legs, and a wave of pleasure washes over her face, her eyes closing halfway before she forces them open again, doing her best to ensure she didn’t miss a moment of what was going on in front of her.

 There was something perverse about it - something that turned you on to see. Some not insignificant part of you enjoyed seeing the haughty, confident, occasionally arrogant young woman being driven to submission by your girlfriend. And from the look of her face as she turns around to face you again, Momo feels the same way, a self-assured smirk on her lips.

 The smirk is there only for a second, and it is replaced with a look of lust as the naked woman climbs into your lap, her mouth seeking and finding yours and engaging in a passionate kiss as her long legs place themselves around your waist. As your tongues duel, you feel her reach between your bodies to guide your shaft to her entrance, and you feel the hot wetness of her pussy against the head of your cock as she rubs it against her open lips, not penetrating - just lubricating your head, teasing herself with it.

 Then Hirai Momo pushes her hips down, impaling herself onto your cock.

 She starts slowly at first, relishing those first few thrusts into her body, savoring the feel of your hard shaft as it penetrates her body. You do the same, letting your eyes drift closed, allowing yourself to experience her body yet again, knowing you will never tire of it, never grow fatigued of being inside her. You both let a soft gasp escape your lips, Momo’s louder than yours as she gives voice to her lust.

 She is grinding her hips now, establishing a steady pace, her body stretched out and lubricated enough to allow full penetration. She grinds in a circular motion, her hips starting further back on the downstroke and then pushing her body forward on the upstroke, so that your shaft is penetrating her in a back and forward motion as well as up and down - this was a woman who knew just how to pleasure you, knew just how to drive you crazy with her body.

 Momo throws her head back as your shaft penetrates her deeper, and you tear your eyes open long enough to realize her wonderful breasts are pressed against your face, the warm skin misted with sweat as she exerts herself. You immediately press your mouth against her left breast, your tongue quickly finding her already hardened nipple, swirling it around the hard bud greedily, lustily, without any sort of thought for decorum or patience - there is only lust, only the need to devour her, devour more of this wonderful woman’s body.

 There is a sharp gasp in the room, and it takes you a moment to realize it came from Seolhyun, not Momo. With Momo’s breast still in your mouth, you open your eyes just enough to glance over at her, and you realize that she is now fingering herself with abandon, her right hand moving frantically between her legs, her left hand grasping her right breast through her dress.

 You smile wickedly, and you turn your head to ensure Seolhyun can watch as you tease Momo’s nipple, your tongue pressing against it and swirling around it in random patterns, and you know Seolhyun is imagining that you are doing the same to her.

 All the while, Momo is still throwing herself onto your shaft, over and over, her head thrown back as she lets a long string of moans escape her lips. She is cradling your head in her hands, letting herself go, letting herself fully experience the pleasure radiating from between her legs and from her breast.

 “Fuck… fuck… you’re so big, baby,” she moans.

 “You’re… so tight, Momo. Fuck… you’re so tight.”

 “You like… you like when I ride you like this? You like when I fuck myself on your cock?” Momo asks, and you realize that a part of her still wants to show off, is still aware of the Korean girl squirming in her seat not five feet away.

 “Fuck yes.”

 “Did you like… fucking my ass last week?”

 At the mention of anal sex with Momo, a moan escapes a pair of female lips - Seolhyun’s.

 “Yes… fuck… your ass was so tight, baby. Did you like when I cummed in your ass?”

 “Yes! I love when you cum in me… no matter what hole… I love feeling your cum inside me,” Momo gasps, happy that you were playing along, the both of you teasing Seolhyun with your words just as much as you were with the erotic display you were putting on for her. Even as you have this conversation, your cock continues to piston in and out of Momo’s tight, slick pussy.

 “Fuck… you’re so good, baby. So tight, so hot. Fuck… you’re the best.”

 “Am I… the best… fuck… you’ve ever had?”

 “Yes!” you answer, perhaps with more enthusiasm than you were anticipating. You had slept with your fair share of beautiful women, and one of the better ones was just a few feet away, fingering herself - but you knew, deep down, that it was true: Hirai Momo was the best of them all.

 You watch as Momo turns her head so she is facing Seolhyun. Despite the pleasure washing over her beautiful face, Momo is coherent enough to smirk slightly, biting her lip as she watches Seolhyun finger herself, knowing in that moment that she had won their little battle.

 “Good,” Momo says, turning to you again, “then fuck me like you mean it.”

 You take that as your signal to finally exert yourself instead of merely being a (eagerly willing) participant in Momo’s little show, and to that end you reach both your hands down to grasp her round ass, grasping a cheek in each palm. When Momo reaches the top of her grind, and the head of your cock is all that remains in her, you slam her back down with your hands while you thrust up with your hips, driving your shaft harder and deeper into her body than she was able to do on her own.

 Momo lets a shriek out, louder than any of her moans thus far, and it is followed up with another as you repeat the action with your next thrust. You are both truly fucking each other now, both your bodies working to throw yourselves against each other as hard as you possibly can.

 “Fuck! Fuck that’s so good!” Momo exclaims, “You’re so big inside me, baby. You’re stretching me out… so deep!”

 You grunt in reply, because that is all you can do, every other ounce of your being focused instead of driving yourself as deeply and as hard as you can inside her body.

 Momo, as always, wants more - always wants to take it to the next level. And so it surprises you when she slams herself down on your shaft and then stays there for a moment, capturing your lips and mouth in a torrid kiss before removing herself from your cock. The moment of surprise lasts only a moment before you realize she is turning around so her back is facing you, climbing back onto your lap, spreading her legs until she is crouching above your erect, glistening shaft, her feet on the couch on either side of your thighs. Then, taking another moment to line up your cockhead with her pussy, she impales herself once more, this time in a reverse cowgirl position.

 From this point of view Seolhyun has a clear view of your shaft as it plunges into Momo’s tight, drenched pussy, the Japanese girl’s legs spread wide, her entire body on display as you settle into the position and fuck her from behind in your sitting position. Momo braces herself against the back of the couch with her arms, leaning back against your chest - your arms, however, are free, and you reach quickly around her torso to grasp both her breasts, pinching her nipples before reaching your right hand down her tight, firm torso until you reach her clit, your middle finger finding and swirling around her sensitive nub.

 Seolhyun lets out a sharp gasp at the display, and you look around Momo’s bouncing body to watch as the older girl spreads her legs, now fully giving into her need for release. She has pushed her white panties to the side, her finger working urgently amidst her wet folds, already one knuckle deep inside herself as she struggles to contain the pleasure she is creating.

 Momo’s moans are increasing in volume, turning more into sharp gasps of wordless syllables as the pleasure builds steadily inside her young body. Her new position presses your cock against the sensitive front of her pussy, your hard shaft and the finger rubbing her clit bringing her to the brink.

 “I’m… I’m gonna cum, baby! I’m gonna cum… I’m gonna cum so hard!”

 “Fuck,” you hiss, sharply, as much out of need to vent your pleasure as it was a curse, as you wanted to prolong the pleasure, wanted to stay fucking this perfect woman for as long as possible as she continues to impale herself again and again on your cock.

 “I’m… I’m cumming!”

 Momo lets out what is almost a shout as an orgasm wracks her body, her body quivering and spasming as the pleasure courses throughout her veins, her voice becoming a chorus of moans and gasps of lust, pleasure, and finally, release. Her pussy clamps down hard on your shaft, and it takes a significant amount of effort on your part not to join her in bliss, wanting to prolong the experience as long as possible. The wetness of her juices escapes the tightness of her body, and seeps out freely around your shaft, drenching both of your crotches in slickness.

 Momo takes a solid minute to wind down from her orgasm, and her still-trembling body collapses against yours until she is sitting limply in your lap, her back pressed against your chest. She finds the strength to turn her head to meet yours, and you kiss her deeply, pressing your mouths together as deeply as you can, your tongues finding and caressing each other. Your hands roam freely around her torso, squeezing a soft breast and enjoying the feel of her firm, flat stomach beneath your palm.

 Momo is the first to break the kiss, and she leans her head back against your shoulder, panting heavily as the exertion finally hits her. Your cock is still impaled to the base inside her body, and you take the moment of inactivity to savor the feel of her warm, wet, still-pulsating pussy wrapped around your shaft. Without speaking a word, you watch as Momo lifts her head slightly to look at Seolhyun, her post-orgasm face flushed, the very picture of lust.

 When she is ready, she bends forward and slips off your shaft, eliciting a short groan from you as you leave her tightly clasping body. You watch intently as every inch of your shaft leaves her body, taking pleasure in watching her tight pussy  lips grasp your cock as though not wanting to let it go, a thick strand of her slick juices still connecting your bodies until it finally snaps when Momo stands.

 On shaky legs, Momo saunters over to where Seolhyun is sitting, the older Korean girl now a mewling, dishevelled mess, a far cry from the haughty, confident woman she was just a few minutes before when she entered the hotel room. Momo is completely naked, her skin flushed, her crotch and thighs wet with juices, both yours and hers - but she exudes supreme confidence as she bends over so her mouth is just inches from Seolhyun’s ear.

 “That’s how a real girl fucks. And if you ever talk shit to me again, I swear to god, not only will you never touch my boyfriend again - I’ll slap you all the way back to Seoul.”

 Seolhyun has stopped fingering herself, but she lets out a sharp gasp of surprise as Momo reaches down with her own finger, tracing the Korean girl’s pussy with her fingertip.

 “Now go use this pussy of yours and finish him off,” Momo says, her words equally aggressive and seductive, “Even a virgin should be able to make him cum.”

 Seolhyun wastes no time - she is so needy for pleasure, so lust-drunk on the show you and Momo put on for her, that she immediately leaves her chair and makes her way to you. She takes a moment to bend and remove her drenched cotton panties before grasping the hem of her black dress and pulling it up around her waist. Then she sits in your lap, and a second later, she drives her pussy down onto your shaft.

 Seolhyun is tight, wet, and hot. Her body, even still semi-clothed, is almost perfect in every way, and her face, perfectly sculpted and striking a perfect balance of cuteness and beauty and hotness, is contorted in pleasure as she rides you hard and fast. It only takes her half a minute to orgasm, so close is she to the brink - and a few seconds after that, you join her, your shaft pulsating as the pleasure finally overwhelms you and you send hot, warm semen shooting inside the welcoming depths of her wanton, willing body, filling Kim Seolhyun to the brink, until your juices and hers overflow out of her tightly grasping pussy lips to drip down your balls and onto the now-moist leather of the couch.

 Any other man would be totally consumed with the moaning, gorgeous Seolhyun, still mid orgasm as she writhes on your lap - but your eyes, and your thoughts, are instead on Hirai Momo, watching as she dresses herself with sweatpants and a hoodie before leaving the hotel room, winking at you and smiling slyly as she closes the door behind her, even as her boyfriend empties thick, hot semen into another woman.

 ---

 An hour has passed since Momo left, and since then you have Seolhyun again, the Korean girl feeling like she had something to prove as she rode you, her confidence having been taken down a peg by Momo. When you finally climax together when you fuck her from behind on the couch, you notice that her gaze was locked on the hotel room door, as though she were hoping Momo would come back in to watch you both.

 Now she is sitting in the same seat she was earlier, this time with a glass of whiskey in her hand. She is stark naked, her skin still flushed with the afterglow of sex, and you find her long, toned limbs and creamy skin more than a little distracting as you follow suit and collapse on the couch.

 “Goddamn that was good,” Seolhyun says, taking a short sip of her drink.

 “I’d say,” you agree.

 “As much as it pains me to say it… you’re the fucking luckiest guy on earth to be dating her.”

 “I know,” you say without looking at Seolhyun, knowing that she was speaking the truth.

 “Anyway… what are we going to do about Thursday?”

 “I don’t know,” you answer, bringing a hand to your face to massage your brow, “we’re fucked. We need some way to prove that Sana was behind the theft of your company’s data. If we can prove that, we can claim intellectual data theft, and we’d fuck them over in court. Public opinion would turn pretty hard against them after an accusation like that.”

 “I just want to know how she got all the data for our tech,” Seolhyun says, swirling her drink around, “I spoke to the techs back home and they said there wasn’t any evidence of an external hack. They looked through her activity on our local network, and they said it was pretty clean and there was nothing to indicate a large-scale transfer of data.”

 You both take a moment in silence, wondering what to do next.

 “It’s possible,” Seolhyun continues, her brows furrowed in thought, “that she got someone else to unknowingly download the data for her. Maybe by asking someone in the company to do it under the guise of project-related work.”

 “Combing through every staff member’s network activity would take forever,” you say, upset that you were unable to add anything positive to the conversation.

 “It’s also possible that she did it with some sort of hardwired device. Network hacking would attract too much attention and have a pretty big risk of being detected, tracked, or traced. It would be as simple as something she connected to someone’s personal device that could then transmit data to an external server.”

 Personal… device…

 You stand up immediately, your sudden movement shocking Seolhyun.

 “What’s up?” she asks, genuinely confused.

 “Get everyone together. I know how she stole our tech. And I can prove it.”

[laschatzi]

A Vision Softly Creeping

I labored over this for a long time: an attempt at dealing with some of the trauma Killian and Emma went through, and issues between them brought to the surface by that trauma. Bear with me, I’m not a psychologist, and my intention was not to describe a realistic therapy session. Thank you @effulgentcolors for the encouragement!

title: A Vision Softly Creeping

summary: Killian keeps having nightmares he can’t quite remember. With Dr. Hopper’s help, he discovers one of the reasons for them, and that might require a painful, in-depth talk with Emma. Set post season 6, shortly after the wedding.

word count: ~6,6k

rating: M and N for nightmares.

also on: ff.net and ao3.

..........................

It's not a sudden movement or sound that wakes her up, no, it's like some mysterious force that pulls her from the depths of her sleep, which is extraordinary in itself – because normally not even a cannon fired beside her bed would wake her up. She has slept through blaring alarm clocks, ringing phones and thunderstorms. But every time her newly wed husband is having one of those dreams, she seems to sense it even on the bottom of her subconscious.

Emma opens her eyes in the moonlit darkness and, after getting past her slight disorientation, notices Killian's silhouette sitting upright beside her. From the way his shoulders move she can see that he's breathing heavily. She lifts herself up into an upright position, and when he feels the shifting of the mattress, he turns his head to look at her.

“I'm sorry I woke you,” he murmurs and runs his hand through his hair, his voice thick with sleep and something else she can't quite define. He seems tense, and in the moonlight she catches a glimpse of the fine sheen of sweat that covers his bare shoulders and collarbones.

“That dream again?” she asks softly and puts her palm to his scruffy cheek.

His eyes that had been scanning the darkness almost erratically focus on hers again, and she reads barely faded panic mixed with relief and something deeper, indecipherable to her, that seems to have a grip on him.

“Killian?” she prompts, and he snaps out of it. In a sudden move, his hand comes up to the back of her head and pulls her in for a kiss almost brusquely, eliciting a startled gasp from her.

The raw passion, seemingly out of the blue, takes her by surprise, but as usual doesn't fail to make her respond. Her worries about his sleep being interrupted not for the first time by a confusing dream, as he's put it, are pushed into oblivion to the back of her mind by his demanding lips and tongue and the weight of his body pressing her down into her pillow again.

She welcomes the sensual assault and wraps her arms around his torso and her legs around his hips as he blindly finds his way past her sleep shorts and underwear and thrusts into her without further preliminary, deep and hard and possessively. Emma moans as her hips buck to meet his, but she almost can't match his raw force and fierceness this time, and as much as she enjoys when he takes her like that, leaving her sore and spent and simply thoroughly fucked, she suspects tonight he's fueled by the nightmare he just had, and before she loses all ability to think clearly, she vows to herself she's going to talk to him about it.

But afterwards, when she's cleaned them up with a flick of her wrist underneath the covers, he pulls her into an overprotective, almost uncomfortably tight embrace against his chest and is asleep again in no time; from physical and emotional exhaustion, she's sure. It'll have to wait until tomorrow.

The rest of the night goes by quietly, without further disturbances, and in the morning Emma is woken by the smell of coffee slowly wafting into her conscience and the pleasant feeling of softness and prickles traveling down her throat. She squirms and sighs when a certain spot on the base of her neck is stimulated by Killian's lips while his hand caresses the side of her ribs underneath her sleep top.

“Is it Sunday?” she murmurs, for a moment confused.

He chuckles warmly against her collarbone. “I wouldn't dare to wake you at this time of the day on a Sunday morning, love.”

She runs her fingers through his hair and breathes, “You... can wake me any day at any time like this.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” he hums as he pulls down her tank top to free her left breast, and she simply forgets how to form coherent sentences.

Killian takes it slowly this time, paying attention to his love's every sensitive spot... she has a lot of them, and he knows them all. He loves to bring out all the sweet tunes from Emma, the sighs and whispers and pleas, but what pushes him in particular to be gentle and tender this morning is a nagging feeling of guilt at the back of his mind. He knows he had that dream again last night, the one that has been haunting him for weeks now – ironically since life started to be actually peaceful in Storybrooke for longer than six weeks. He doesn't really remember the dream, it always slips through his fingers shortly before he wakes up, but it always leaves him with a feeling of unease, more like dread, and a vague anger. And that unsettling mix fueled him last night, too, urged him to feel this intense need to take her, mark her... and even though she welcomed him and enjoyed it, he feels like whatever it is that haunts him, he somehow took it out on her, and so now he... needs to make it up to her.

And he does make it up to her thoroughly.

Emma remembers her resolution to talk to Killian about his nightmares only when they're already on their way to work. Being woken up in that delicious way has thrown her off track completely and would have made it so easy to soothe her worries and sweep them under the rug, but she knows – from her own, painful experience – that unresolved issues and traumas have an unhealthy tendency to come back and rise their ugly heads in the least convenient moments; usually when you think you have shaken them off a long time ago.

So, when she parks her yellow bug in front of the sheriff's station, she asks in a – more or less – casual way, “Are you going to see Archie soon?”

Killian raises an eyebrow. “Actually, I have scheduled a visit for this afternoon, after the shift ends. Why?”

She shrugs. “I was just wondering...”

“About what, love?”

She looks at him searchingly. “Have you talked about your dreams?”

“Well,” he tilts his head, “yes and no. I told him that I'm having them, but as I don't truly remember them, there isn't really anything to discuss further.” He thinks about last night and feels guilty again. “Is something wrong?” he asks hesitantly, his voice full of concern.

Emma purses her lips in a pensive way. “It's just that you seem to have a troubled sleep lately.”

He licks his lips a little nervously and nods, a wave of guilt washing over him once more. “Aye.” Feeling her worried gaze resting on his face, he  promises, “We'll tackle the subject again.”

***

“Captain.” Dr. Hopper smiles his patented therapist smile he has for every one of his patients, yet it's still genuine and never seems fake. “How are you doing today?”

“Fine,” Killian replies, “normal.” He tilts his head and adds a little hesitantly, “The day has never really been my problem.”

“Ah.” The cricket throws his visitor a probing look over the rim of his glasses. “But you had a troubled night?” he guesses, as usually hitting the nail right on the head. Killian just nods in response, and it's more a statement rather than a question when he says, “That dream again.”

“It seems to come with increasing frequency,” Killian replies in agreement. “Shouldn't it get better with time?”

The short man shakes his head. “I'm afraid not, Captain. Not unless you have truly dealt with the issue your dreams try to bring to the surface.”

Killian lets out a frustrated huff. “How am I supposed to do that if I can't even remember it?”

“It takes time,” Dr. Hopper tries to soothe. “Were you able to go back to sleep after you were disturbed by your dream?” he wants to know.

“I...” Killian averts his eyes, and his hand goes up by its own volition, his ringed index finger rubbing an imaginary spot underneath his ear. “Emma was startled awake, too, and I–” he interrupts himself and tilts his head, “we–”

“She provided physical comfort,” Dr. Hopper states calmly, ending his stammering in a firm voice, and leans a little forward, searching Killian's gaze. “Captain, finding comfort in being intimate with your partner is nothing to feel ashamed about.”

“No, I know, Doctor,” Killian confirms hastily. “It's not... it's not that.”

The doctor frowns in genuine concern. “Then what is it that makes you uncomfortable about it?”

Killian sighs and squirms a little. “It was the way I...” He lets his voice trail off, unsure how to proceed.

He knows the cricket would never betray a patient's trust by doing so much as judge them, but it still isn't easy for him to talk about these personal things... like his feelings, his guilt, or intimate details about his relationship with Emma. But if there is anyone he can talk to about these issues that torment him, then it's this man before him – the man who, in spite of their history, has been nothing but supportive when Killian was full of self-doubts, and who, on top, has sealed his bond with Emma. Right now, he's patiently waiting for Killian to continue, without pressuring him.

He draws a deep breath before he finally goes on, “It was like I... like I had to prove a point to her.”

Dr. Hopper  lays his fingertips together and looks at him seriously, his gaze unfaltering. “Captain, did you do anything your wife didn't consent to?” he asks gently, but somehow it feels more like a rhetorical question.

Still, a hot pang of fury hits Killian right in the chest. “No, bloody hell, of course not!” he barks. “I would never!”

The cricket doesn't even flinch at his outburst. “I didn't think you would,” he replies matter-of-factly, and Killian can't help admiring his posture. This is the man he, in another life, did things to he doesn't want to think about and isn't proud of... but he's completely unimpressed by his momentary rage and stays completely focused. Looking at him, short of height, with his glasses and his staid clothing and manners, it would be so easy to underestimate him, but he has a quiet authority about him that makes it impossible.

“Still, you feel you acted,” he adds and sways his head slowly in search for the right expression, “out of inappropriate reasons?”

Killian is almost shocked by the accuracy of Dr. Hopper's words. Sure, everything he did last night was enthusiastically welcomed by Emma, and they have both reveled in lovemaking much rougher than last night's, so that is not really something to feel guilty about. But the reasons that fueled him to approach her like he did weren't the right ones. When Killian looks at the doctor again hesitantly, he finds his calm gaze resting on him patiently, encouragingly.

He swallows. “Aye,” he finally replies. “In that moment, I felt so...” he runs his hand through his hair nervously, “I can't even name it, but I felt so... guilty afterwards, like I'd been somehow taking it out on her.” He tilts his head. “Whatever in blazes it was that I felt.”

“And you still can't remember it?” the doctor presses gently.

Killian shakes his head. “Not quite,” he replies reluctantly, “but I have the feeling that I almost...” He interrupts himself and rubs his fingertips together before he presses through his clenched teeth. “Like it just... slipped through my fingers.”

“That sounds like you're almost there,” Dr. Hopper encourages.

Killian chews on his bottom lip in frustration and throws his hand in the air. “I only know I'm always powerless,” he finally blurts out, “and when I wake up, I feel desperate, lost, hopeless...” He bores his  steely blue eyes in Dr. Hopper's before he adds in a bewildered tone, “angry.”

The cricket nods. “Captain, it's beyond doubt that what vexes you stems from the traumata you went through with Emma lately,” he states the obvious, “but we won't get to the core to the problem until we find out everything about your dream.” Killian waits, eyebrows raised in question, as the doctor taps his right index finger against his mouth a few times and then draws a deep breath, as if he's come to some conclusion. “I'd like to try something, if you're in agreement.”

“No magic,” Killian replies immediately in a stern voice, almost reflexively. “I don't want anything to mess with my mind,” he declares firmly, “or my memories.”

He has learned in very painful ways that only bad things have ever come out of it if any type of magic has messed with his mind; more than that, the results have been devastating. Whether it was the Crocodile dripping poison into his ear after briefly reattaching his hand, or Emma when she took his memories of her turning him into a Dark One – or the darkness itself, whispering of revenge and snuffing out the light to achieve it. And, well, his own attempt of getting rid of his own memories of a lurid crime committed against an innocent man... that had brought him and the people he loved nothing but pain either.

“I'm absolutely with you,” Dr. Hopper soothed, his hands raised in defense. “Magic has no place when it comes to treating the human soul.”

After scrutinizing him closely for a few seconds, Killian tilts his head. “Then I'm not averse to anything you deem helpful, Doctor.”

“Very good.” The cricket smiles. “If you don't mind,” – he waves his hand invitingly – “lay down and make yourself comfortable.” When Killian raises his eyebrows in question, he explains, “I want to try and bring you to the verge of dreams, calm down your mind and soul until you reach a state similar to sleep, simply with relaxation techniques.” He nods towards the cushions on the comfortable leather couch Killian is sitting on and adds, “It helps if you lay down.”

“Hm,” Killian grumbles, but then lets himself sink to the side, stretching his long legs on the far end of the couch, albeit a little reluctantly.

“Excellent,” Dr. Hopper comments. “Now close your eyes, please.”

Killian sighs but does as he's asked, and strangely enough, the doctor's voice seems even more calming and soothing when he can't see him. Automatically, his breathing gets slower and deeper even before Dr. Hopper tells him so, and he concentrates on nothing else than his breath and his heartbeat as everything else fades away and the doctor's voice becomes nothing but a distant murmur while his body seems to grow heavier and heavier...

...and the ground he's laying on isn't exactly comfortable, so he gets up. His feet are a bit unsteady, and when he looks down he sees that the uneven ground consists of sand. He looks around the barren, familiar place, and suddenly he knows where he is: Lake Nostos. The place where he witnessed the magic in Emma for the first time, when he lay on the ground, only half-conscious.

And there she is, like in a déjà-vû: Emma in her red leather jacket, the golden compass in her hand, as she confronts Cora. He wants to rush over to her, but he can't, something's holding him back, and when he looks down he sees that his feet are frozen on place, his black boots covered in a base of clear ice, like that time when the Snow Queen trapped him. Panic rises in his chest, and his eyes fly back to Emma, but it's like he remembers, Cora can't hurt her: when she plunges her cruel hand into Emma's chest to take her heart, she's repelled by the blinding white light bursting out of Emma's very core, and he is relieved hearing Emma's words, firmly spoken, “No, love is strength.”  

But this time, Cora doesn't seem to be impressed. “Then prove it,” she sneers, and he doesn't like the sound of that, and he doesn't like the determined look on Emma's face either. She looks at him for the first time, an expression of guilt on her face, and plunges her hand in her own chest.

“Emma, no!” he yells. “What are you doing?”

“Don't worry,” she replies and rips out her own heart. An all too familiar, triumphant giggle comes from the other woman, a giggle that's haunted him for centuries, and he sees that Cora has transformed and is the Black Fairy now.

Desperation gives him strength, and somehow, he manages to free his feet, but before he can run over to Emma, he's held back violently, a sharp pain in his wrist making him look down again. He sees an old rusty shackle around his wrist and recognizes it immediately, it's the one Emma bound him with atop of the beanstalk. He also has the golden compass in his hand now, and he knows they can make it back home, together, but apparently, Emma has other plans.

And like in slow motion, he sees Emma offering her heart to the Black Fairy. “Emma, please! Don't do this!” he yells again, desperately rattling on the chain that holds him mercilessly in place.

But Emma shakes her head as she hands over her heart. “I'm sorry, I have to.”

He's helpless, and he can't do anything but...

“No!” he gasps and sits up abruptly, finding Dr. Hopper's eyes resting on him quietly.

Killian closes his eyes in endless relief and rubs his hand over his face. “I remember now,” he finally says, “Emma...” He falls silent and shakes his head, his mind still swirling from his upsetting dream.

“I know,” Dr. Hopper replies in a soothing voice, “you told me everything.”

Exhaling slowly, deliberately, to calm down, Killian runs his fingers through his hair. “And did it give you any enlightenment?” he asks almost reproachfully, because it's not like there was any surprise in that dream. That all the separations and nearly-losses have caused him serious distress, was clear from the beginning, and he just doesn't see how it was helpful to extract this dream from his mind that he's blissfully forgotten.

“Oh yes, it did,” the cricket tells him to his surprise and then asks, “Captain, what exactly happened on your wedding day?”

Killian frowns in confusion and surprise. “On my wedding day?”

“We only know that Emma defeated the Black Fairy, and that her family was present, but unable to help,” Dr. Hopper recounts and looks at him questioningly.

A chill runs down Killian's spine when he recalls the occasion, and he hates it, still hates the Crocodile's monstrous mother for tainting his wedding day with these traumatic events, a day that should only hold happy memories, and it does, but it also will forever be tied to the terrible memory of another occasion where he almost lost his love. He doesn't like to reminisce about it, let alone to talk about it, but alas, those are the two crucial points of these encounters with the cricket – if they're supposed to help him heal.

“She came to me on my ship during the day,” he begins reluctantly, “I had spent the night there. You know, because...” he lets his voice trail off and vaguely waves his hand through the air. His wedding band gleams in the light of the late afternoon sun falling through the window, and he swallows when his eyes catch the shine.

Dr. Hopper nods. “Because you wanted to avoid bad luck,” he finishes the sentence for him.

“Aye.” Killian huffs with sarcasm. “Well, that worked out quite nicely, didn't it?”

“You know it would have happened anyway,” the doctor reminds him gently. “Why did she come to see you if she knew you wanted to avoid her until the ceremony?”

“She told me about the impending confrontation, about the Black Fairy's ultimatum,” Killian says, his voice flat and his eyes staring at a point on the wall above Dr. Hopper's right shoulder.

“She came to discuss a plan?” he prompts softly.

“She came to tell me to stay back,” Killian replies pointedly, and a muscle in his jaw ticks. “She said she had to deal with it by herself.” He bores his eyes into the doctor's, hard like steel, like his voice now. “She came to say goodbye, in the event of her failure.”

Dr. Hopper waits for a moment, but when Killian doesn't continue, he asks quietly, “And did you? Stay back?”

Killian swallows and shakes his head once. “Of course not. I went to the Crocodile's to keep him from coming to his mummy's aid. Knocked him out with a bit of dreamshade to keep him out of the equation.” He snorts. “I should have known that the black witch was already waiting for me.”

“So that's how she captured you.”

He looks away. “Aye. The rest of the family was there, too, and we were frozen and watched her surrender her heart to the Black Fairy.”

“And you couldn't do anything to help.” It's not a question, it's a statement.

Killian snorts. “It was too late for that now, wasn't it?” His mouth twitches as he bites out the last word.

Dr. Hopper nods slowly, his sympathetic eyes regarding him. After a short pause, he finally tells him calmly, “Captain, you need to be honest with your wife.”

Killian frowns. “I am!” he assures. “Emma and I, we're past hiding things from each other. We–”

“Being honest means not hiding the truth,” the doctor interrupts, a little vaguely at first, “any truth. About what you feel.” When it becomes very clear that Killian has no idea what he's talking about, the cricket explains, “And the truth about your feelings is that you are harboring anger towards Emma.”

Killian is taken aback. “Are you out of your mind?” he snaps, maybe a little too indignantly. “Why would I be angry at her? The black witch was the villain, not Emma!” he argues.

“But Emma is your partner,” Dr. Hopper points out gently. “Yet, she didn't allow you to act like a partner.”

Killian turns his head to the side in an attempt to avoid the doctor's quiet scrutiny, but then decides that it's probably not working – and besides, he is coming here to deal with what haunts him, and denying the truth is not exactly a helpful way to do that. Unconsciously, he clenches his jaw.

“That hurt,” he admits reluctantly. “Still does.”

Dr. Hopper takes off his glasses and briefly rubs at the red marks they have left on the bridge of his nose. “Captain, Emma has been used to have to fend for herself for a very long time,” he then says thoughtfully, “much like yourself.” He gestures towards Killian and goes on, “And to realize that it's okay to accept other people's help and support... takes time and courage.” He tips his head to the side. “You might recall an occasion when you had trouble yourself opening up to Emma about what burdened you,” he reminds him, “which led to grave consequences for both of you and almost resulted in your own death.”

Killian nods grimly when he thinks back to the disaster he summoned after he'd found out that he'd murdered David's father. Trying to keep that a secret was a grave mistake that had him end up in Neverland, almost burned at the stake by the Lost Boys.

“She was so angry when she found out that I had not told her, that she gave back my ring,” he recalls in a thick voice, the burden of the painful memory of that fateful evening making it even physically difficult to talk about it. “Not because of what I had done,” he adds, “but because I had decided to resolve the problem by myself.”

“And she did the same,” Dr. Hopper says, expressing exactly what's been bothering him: that Emma accused him of one thing, but then went ahead and did just the same thing she'd condemned him for.

“But... will that ever change?” he asks, the helplessness and insecurity he feels seeping into his voice.

Dr. Hopper leans forward, his pale blue eyes firmly resting on Killian's. “Only you can change it,” he tells him and points out, “you and Emma. And to do that, you need to be aware of it.” When Killian frowns in question, he explains, “Talk to her. She must know how you feel, that you're upset with her.”

Killian sways his head from one side to the other, clearly in doubt. “I'm really not sure it would be helpful for anyone if I burdened her with that, too,” he ponders. “Not after all she's been through.”

“Oh, and for you it's been a picnic?” the doctor asks with just the right dose of irony.

Killian squirms on the soft leather couch. Burdening Emma with anything is the last thing he wants to do. “I–”

But the doctor is relentless and interrupts him with a hand held up. “Captain, your feelings are valid just as much as Emma's,” he says firmly. “She deserves to know, and you deserve to express it. That's the way this works.” He leans back again and speaks his final verdict, “That's the way a relationship works.”

Later, when Killian comes home – to the house he once picked to give Emma hope, visible proof that he still believed in their chance at a future and happiness, even when every hope seemed lost – he stands on the sidewalk for a while, hesitating to go in. It feels almost like a déjà-vû of that night when he found out what he'd done to Emma's grandfather, the ring that he'd wanted to give her burning a hole in the pocket of his jeans. The dilemma he was in – telling her the truth and risk losing her or keeping the secret and live with a lie – tearing him apart inside. The feeling that he couldn't dare to do what he'd planned and ask for her hand and her life, the feeling that he'd forfeited any right to a happy ending with his True Love almost choking him.

What lies ahead of him now can't be compared to that dilemma, of course, but it isn't easy either. What the doctor told him to do... deep down, he knows it's necessary and probably cleansing and healthy; but he also knows that, at least at first, it's going to cause uproar, pain, and guilt for the woman he loves. It's going to make her suffer, and he's going to be the reason for her suffering, again. Will that really be worth it? Surely he can do with a few more nights of poor sleep, if that's the price he has to pay for not hurting Emma?

She deserves to know, the cricket's voice reverberates in his head, And you deserve to express it. That's the way a relationship works.You need to be honest with your wife.

Damn, the little man is right. He isn't being honest with her if he withholds the truth about his feelings, if he keeps hiding and harboring them, nursing them until they grow to become obstacles, ugly, spiky barriers to keep him separated from his wife.

“Bloody hell,” he mutters to himself in a groan of frustration and scrapes together every ounce of courage and determination he can find, before he finally walks into his home.

He finds Emma upstairs, dressed in leggings and a comfortable baggy t-shirt, toweling her hair after her shower. She smiles at him, like she always does when he enters a room, and it tugs heavily at his heart.

“Hey!” She walks up to him and brushes a quick kiss on his lips. “How did your appointment go?”

He draws a deep breath, the scent of her coconut oil shampoo filling his nose. “It was...” He hesitates, licks his lips and tries again, “I think we made some progress.”

“That's great!” Emma comments. “About your nightmares?”

He scratches behind his ear. “Mainly about those, aye.”

“Oh, really?” She throws the towel on her dressing table and slumps down on the chair. “Do you remember the dream?” She looks at him expectantly.

Killian waves his hand vaguely and tilts his head. “Well, basically it's about what happened on our wedding day,” he tells her, “the wretched black witch, your heart, our family...” He lets his voice trail off and looks at his hand, the sight of the still unfamiliar rings catching his attention and distracting him for a moment. But then he pulls himself together, because avoiding a touchy subject has never done any good for anyone, and adds, “And me, doing nothing to help, watching her almost kill you...”

Emma gets up from her seat abruptly and puts her hand on his arm. “Killian! It wasn't your fault what happened!” she insists firmly. “You mustn't feel guilty about it! Is that really what your dreams mean?” Her forehead creases with worry and empathy.

He sways his head again. “That's not the only thing causing my incubus.”

That apparently takes her by surprise. “What else?” she wants to know.

“The cricket thinks I'm...” He sighs and licks his lips again; speaking seems very difficult. “He thinks that I'm upset with you,” he finishes.

“Upset?” she echoes. “With me? As in... angry?” Confusion is written all over her face. “But that doesn't... I mean, why would you be angry with me?” It is meant as a rhetorical question, but then she notices that he doesn't speak, just keeps scrutinizing her wordlessly, a ticking muscle in his jaw betraying the tension he feels. She frowns. “Killian?”

He averts his eyes for a moment, overwhelming the need to stop this before it begins to spiral out of control, because why would it help to dig up old ghosts now, right? It would only cause more pain and burden her with more worry and guilt... and then he remembers the cricket's words: that his feelings are valid, too, and that he has the right and also the obligation to express them, an obligation not only to himself, but also towards Emma and their relationship – because not hiding what he feels is part of the honesty that's indispensable for any relationship.

He draws another deep breath – regular breathing seems to be a difficult task right now – and directs his gaze back at her with determination in his eyes. He can see how she's taken aback by that.

“After all we'd been through,” he starts quietly, “after you'd even put our engagement on hold because I'd tried to resolve my problems all by myself... after we'd promised each other again and again to always support each other and be by each other's side...” She narrows her eyes, and Killian realizes that she has no idea what he's aiming at. “After all that,” he repeats firmly, “you still felt the need to go and face the most dangerous villain we'd ever encountered alone!” Her eyes widen, apparently in disbelief, and he goes on, “You still thought it would be better to confront her on your own, you still couldn't accept your family's help and let them – me – be there for you!” Now that the dam has broken, it seems to him, surprisingly enough, like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, and he finds that it makes him feel actually free to put all this into words. “Why?” he adds, just when he thought he was finished. “When is that ever going to change?!”

“Really?” Emma blurts out. “You're mad at me because I was trying to protect you?!”

“That's the point, Swan!” he emphasizes, gesturing vividly. “You're not supposed to protect me! You're supposed to let me fight by your side, if necessary!”

Emma shakes her head. “The Black Fairy wanted me!” she points out. “There was nothing you or anybody else could have done!”

Sure, that would be her stereotypical excuse – no one else could have done it, so the Savior had to do it her way, alone. “Nonsense!” he contradicts fervently. “We could have worked out a plan to–”

Emma scoffs. “A plan to what?” she snaps. “Get yourselves killed?”

“You can't know that!” he replies angrily. “Do you really think letting her kill you would have saved me or your family? That she would have let us get away?”

He literally cannot believe how she could be so naïve not to see that by giving herself up to the Black Fairy she was sealing his – their family's – fate as much as hers. But death has never been something Killian Jones feared – well, at least not his own death. But seeing the woman he loves losing her life in front of his eyes? The last time, it nearly destroyed him. But he knows, this time, with his True Love, it wouldn't take him only three meager centuries to get over it – eons wouldn't be enough.

“Do you have any idea how I felt, being paralyzed and having to watch that monster with your heart in her hand?” Without being aware of it, he mimics the gesture of holding a heart in his hand and slowly closes his fingers to a fist. Emma's eyes are drawn to the movement of his hand, and he can see her flinch when his fingers curl around an imaginary heart. “About to crush it,” he goes on, “and not being able to move and do anything about it?”

After a few moments of heavy silence she blurts out furiously, “Of course I do! I had to watch Gold almost crush your heart while I was frozen, remember?!” Killian feels like punched in the gut, and also a little guilty for simply having forgotten this terrible episode. Yes, Emma's been there, too – he may not have given his heart to the Crocodile willingly, but what Emma almost had to watch his enemy do to him was practically the same.

“And I swore to myself,” she goes on, “to never let that happen again! That's why I went about it on my own, not because I thought I'd handle things better alone!”

He sighs and lowers his eyes for a moment to look at his hand that's still balled into a fist... and he understands. Because if there was ever an occasion where the only way to save her life would be to sacrifice his own, he knows he would not hesitate one second. So, he understands her motivation – but in this case, he's convinced, her sacrifice would have been in vain, the Black Fairy wouldn't have spared any of Emma's family.

He focuses on her again. “But that was not your decision to make, Emma,” he tells her softly. “We've been there already. And you know I'd rather die fighting anyone who threatens my family than surrender anyone I love to them.”

Her shoulders slump heavily. “Yeah, I know that,” she replies, her voice defeated, almost breaking. “But I really didn't think we had a chance this time.” Her wide eyes are boring into his with an almost frightening intensity, begging him to understand, as tears well up in them. “And I cannot watch another person I love die. I can't lose you. Not again.”

Killian reaches out and takes her left hand, his fingers squeezing hers almost painfully. “Emma,” he says, his voice deep and soothing, “When you think there's no chance to win, and there's no hope to prevail... that's exactly when you have to rely on your family, on me.” Her brows start to pull into a frown, and he insists, “When you need reminding that we'll always find a way.”

She huffs through her tears, almost in a choked laugh. “You sound like my mother.”

He tilts his head. “Your mother can be a piece of work, and everyone has made fun of her hope speeches at some point or got annoyed by them,” he admits, secretly counting himself in, “but you can't deny that whenever things have seemed beyond remedy and people have lost all faith, she was always the one to give them hope again, and along with that, the courage and strength to overcome anything!” He secretly counts himself among those people, too. He arches his eyebrows. “And I haven't seen her proven wrong one single time.”

Emma can't help but nod in agreement at that; so far, they have always managed to overcome anything, no matter how much against them the odds have been.

“Look at what has been thrown at her, at you – at us!” Killian reminds her. “Curses, poison, darkness, villains trying to take away our happy endings, to rip us apart, to destroy us,” – he pauses for a moment and threads his fingers through hers – “and yet, we're still here, and they are not. No matter how hard they tried, we have defeated them...”, he tilts his head again and adds dryly, “or made them part of the family.”

That makes her smile, which was, of course, his intention. “You're right,” she admits and squeezes his fingers. “I'll get there. It's just...” she licks her lips and swallows. “The instinct to protect the people you love–”

“I know,” he interrupts, “it's not easy. I get it. And if I thought there was no other way to save your life than to give up mine?” He nods gravely. “I would do it in the blink of an eye without discussion,” he concedes plainly. “But we can't and must not bear the burden alone, the burden of deciding whether there is another way or not,” he tries to make his point. “Like your parents when they were ready to sacrifice their lives to Regina's evil half to save the rest of Storybrooke. Or when I...” He hesitates for a moment, the memory still painfully fresh, “stayed behind in the Underworld.”

Emma shudders at the thought and points out, her tone a little accusing, “You decided that all by yourself!”

“Aye,” he admits, “but only after every other option we'd tried didn't work out.”

She sighs and nods. “Okay. I see what you mean.” She draws a deep breath and raises her chin, her eyes glittering and her voice firm. “I promise, Killian–“

“Just promise me,” he interrupts gently and smooths her still damp hair behind her shoulder with his hook, “to never give up.”

She presses her lips into a smile and tries to blink back her tears. “Okay. I promise.”

Killian lifts their joined hands to his lips and kisses the back of hers before he says softly, “You know, Emma... it's very likely that one of us is going to lose the other one day.”

Like he anticipated, she shakes her head fervently. “I won't–”

He squeezes her fingers, that are still entwined with his, reassuringly. “But that's okay,” he tells her firmly, even though the thought of losing Emma, at any point, pains him to no end, “because we'll know where we're going. And the one of us that goes first, will await the other, no matter how long it takes, and then we shall cross that bridge, together.”

Finally, one single tear struggles free and rolls down her cheek, the picture he just painted for her surprisingly soothing and peaceful. She squeezes his fingers back, and it's like she's anchoring herself in the here and now, in their reality.

She nods. “Together.”

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

Dreaming While I Wake

Sanders Sides Foster Care AU - Roman-centric Angst & Hurt/Comfort & Abuse Recovery

Roman tries to be upbeat and hopeful despite all the shit that’s happened to him. And a lot of shit has. Luckily, his new foster home is with two literal rays of sunshine (and a sarcastic asshole). 

Chapter 10

chapter 1 for new readers - ffn mirror

tags: @bunny222

  Virgil took very long strides on the way to campus this morning. Roman was lucky he was quick, because Virgil has long-ass legs. It was a few blocks away, not really a terrible walk. Roman hated being up this early, though. He and Virgil didn’t even sign to each other. Roman was pretty sure Virgil would also give anything right now to go back to bed, just based on his glower and the way he kept seeming to lose focus.   Roman wasn’t doing any better. Roman kept yawning and accidentally tripping on uneven parts of the sidewalk. Virgil didn’t even make fun of him. Roman hadn’t known him that long, but Virgil never missed an opportunity to until now. Mondays, maybe. Or just mornings. Roman wasn’t sure it mattered. Maybe Virgil was mad at having to show Roman the way to campus early. He didn’t seem to care when Thomas asked him to, though. But Roman didn’t have the best read on him. The parts of the night he managed to sleep he had his patented nightmares again, so it just a step above complete insomnia.   When they got to campus, Virgil quickly veered off down a hall without waving bye as Roman headed to the front office. The exhausted-looking administrative personal looked up when he stepped in.   “Um, Roman Reinhart?” Roman said warily.   “On the right, first door on the left. Councilor's office,” She said, pointing behind her to the hall on the right, not looking away from her computer screen. Roman nodded and shuffled quickly down the hall, peeking through the cracked open door.   “Oh, Mr. Reinhart?” The man at the desk asked. Roman nodded and stepped in. “Alright, we’ve just put you in the core classes that we had spots left in based on the transcript from your last school. You just have to pick your electives. You can keep taking art if you like, there’s room in the class. This school doesn’t have Latin, so you can’t keep taking that one. There’s no room in Spanish II this semester year, but you can take it next year. You only need two language credits to graduate. Colleges like a balanced transcript, so trying something new wouldn’t be a bad idea. Pick two,” The councilor handed Roman a piece of paper with the remaining available electives. Roman just stared at them, dumbfounded. He didn’t know what he was interested in and he wasn’t even sure he’d be here long. Roman looked up at the counselor, looking at him expectantly and somewhat annoyed.   “Um, yeah, art, and uh, choir?” Roman said, picking the first thing that came to mind before the councilor got mad at him. The councilor took back the sheet and typed at his computer in silence while Roman sat there awkwardly. He probably thought of choir because of what Patton said. Maybe if Roman signed up for the stuff Patton wanted him to, he could… that was probably too much to hope. It was just a gut decision. But he could give it a shot. At least he could know if he liked choir or not before they kicked him out. It’s not like he was doing stellar in Latin. “Uh, I’d like to do cross-country, maybe? I’m sure I missed tryouts. How would I join?” Roman asked tentatively.   “Ask the PE teacher after class. You’ve got PE just before lunch, so you should have plenty of time to get it sorted out,” He said, continuing to work on his computer. After a few more uncomfortable moments, the ancient printer finally spewed out a class schedule.   “Here you go, kid. Maps and school calendar are on the wall in the front office. You’ve got about a couple minutes until the first warning bell goes off, so try to familiarize yourself with the map. You’ve got 8 minutes between classes to get where you need to go. Here’s your locker assignment. There’s no room in the sophomore locker hall so you’re with the junior lockers on the second floor,” He handed Roman a little slip of paper with a combination on it and the locker number.   “The teachers should already know to expect you, except for in art and choir. If you just ask them your seating assignment before the bell goes off and you should be golden,” Roman nodded and stepped back out of the office to grab the map off the wall and start trying to navigate this monster of a school. —   Roman sighed and picked at his school lunch as he sat alone at the edge of the cafeteria. He’d met some nice people in his morning English class, but they didn’t share his lunch period. Roman wouldn’t mind eating alone so much if it didn’t look like he was literally the only person doing it. He’d done this a million times before, so he knew he’d eventually find a friend group to tolerate him. But the first few weeks always sucked. And the food sucks. This breadtangle of pizza was soggy and gross, and what even was on these green beans? Why were they slimy? The texture of everything was pretty disgusting. He’ll need to ask Virgil what’s edible here before lunch tomorrow.   The PE teacher told Roman to come after school to practice to try out, and Roman kind of looked forward to that. They didn’t meet every day and the PE teacher said anyone who could run under an eight-minute mile could join. Roman had never timed himself before, but he was pretty certain he could do that. It would be nice to do something he was okay at for a change instead of always fucking up. He was still nervous about choir later this afternoon, but he knew he could run. You don’t have to try out for choir or anything, but he still didn’t want to find out he was a bad singer. It was probably a poor decision. Stupid impulsiveness.   Roman’s stomach turned as he forced down the food. It was vile, completely, and the texture was a nightmare that made his skin crawl, but he couldn’t throw it out and waste food. He still had some free time before the next bell, so he went to go sit outside. He needed some fresh air for the nausea from lunch. The cafeteria was really loud, and it was wearing on him, too. Roman sat back under a tree in some weird wood chip garden and took a deep breath of the autumn air. It was at least a good thing it wasn’t too far into the semester so he could catch up easier. But he will have an unbearable amount of homework this week. Roman leaned back and closed his eyes, trying to get a brief rest before lunch was over. —   Roman stretched out nervously. He was in kind of tight jeans and not exactly prepared for this, but he was just supposed to run with the others, keep in his lane, and clear 8 minutes, and then the PE teacher would make her decision. The regular-track kids were also here, and they were staggering start times to share the space. Roman watched football practice on the field while the track kids started off. He took a deep breath and joined the cross-country kids as the starting lines, waiting for the teacher’s whistle to take off.   Roman started running at the whistle, and some kids took off much faster than him, but Roman didn’t want to tear these pants. They were possibly just trying to show off, because they slowed down as the group turned the corner, and Roman pulled ahead with a smirk. He got a glower from one of the ones he passed, but the other held up his thumbs and looked pretty excited. As he turned the final corner, Roman ran faster to try to make sure he stayed under 8 minutes. Another two kids beat him to the finish line, but the exact middle of the pack was a good sign.   “Roman! 5:48!” The PE teacher called, walking up to him while he caught his breath at the edge of the track.   “What, really?” Roman smiled. He probably could keep going, too.   “You’re welcome to join if you’d like,” She said, sounding excited. “That’s an impressive time for a newbie,”   “I, yeah, yes,” Roman stammered.   “Well, go ahead and queue up with the same pack to run it again slower, and come to my office after practice so we can get the paperwork. You need parents’ permission to join so I’ll need you to bring back a signed form. You can drop it off during PE tomorrow or the next meet on Wednesday,” She said and Roman nodded excitedly and walked over with the pack.   “Hey, congratulations, dude!” One of them smiled. “I’m Toby,” He drank some water. Roman didn’t have the forethought to bring water out and felt like a thirsty idiot.   “Roman,” He smiled brightly.   “You’ve got pretty good form, did you run at another school?” Another boy asked. “Seth’s the name,”   “No, just a, uh, hobbyist,” Roman said as dismissively as he could manage.   “I can tell from the fact you’re wearing jeans,” Another boy scoffed.   “I didn’t expect to be able to try out as soon as I asked,” Roman rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should worry how fast I’d go with practice,” Roman smirked. Seth and Toby laughed.   “Yeah, chill out, Nolan. Roman’s new,” Toby said, patting him on the back.   “Ugh, whatever,” Nolan rolled his eyes and started stretching out again.   “That’s Augustine, call her Aggie or she’ll tackle you. The last one is Julie. She thinks she’s better than all of us so don’t bother talking to her,” Seth, Toby, and Aggie laughed and Julie scoffed.   “I am better than all of you,” Julie flipped him off quickly and went back to stretching.   “So why’d you pick cross-country over track?” Seth asked.   “Tracks get boring. I’m an urban runner if anything,” Roman shrugged.   “Same. We practice on a track pretty often and I get sick of it quick. Other than running around campus, they bus us out to a hiking trail or send us back to the obstacle course sometimes, unlike track, though,” Seth shrugged.   “An obstacle course?” Roman’s face lit up.   “Yeah, dude, it’s pretty cool. It’s splinter city, but it’s a pretty big course. Some other schools in the district even come out here to use it,” Seth smiled.   “We have a friendly competition about obstacle course times if you’re interested,” Nolan smirked mischievously.   “He’s literally never run it before, it’s not fair to him,” Toby rolled his eyes.   “No, I’m interested,” Roman said, eying Nolan suspiciously.   “It’s nothing major. Loser accepts any dare the winner chooses,” Nolan said with a small shrug.   “Shit, dude, that’s fine by me,” Roman laughed. He’d probably do any dare he was given anyway, he had shit impulse control and was very aware of that fact.   “Cool,” Toby laughed, and they walked to the track to wait for their start again. —   Roman’s mouth was dry as hell by the time he got back to Thomas and Patton’s house. He chugged some very metallic water from the fountain after practice, but he had that whole paperwork thing, and then jogging back defeated him. Lita barked excitedly as Roman came in. Roman bent down to scratch her head and made a bee-line to the kitchen to chug some water.   “Roman? Is that you?” Thomas called.   “Mm-hmm,” Roman grunted between gulps of water.   “I was surprised not to see you come in with Virgil,” Thomas said, walking into the kitchen.   “Patton told me I should try out for cross-country or something,” Roman said, pouring another cup of water.   “Oh, did you?” Thomas asked curiously.   “Yeah,” Roman breathed. “I don’t want to bother you or anything but there’s stupid stuff to sign so I can join,” Roman kicked his foot lightly into the tile.   “Oh, you passed the tryouts?” Thomas beamed. “Congratulations! I’m happy to sign a permission slip. Oh, we should probably get you some running gear. Did you really run in those jeans? I’m surprised they didn’t rip,” Thomas asked, sounding concerned.   “It was kind of a last-minute decision,” Roman huffed. “I don’t need anything,” Roman rubbed his arm awkwardly.   “Roman, half your clothes barely fit you from what I’ve seen,” Thomas said critically.   “I had a growth spurt at 14 and I probably will again soon,” Roman said dismissively, backing up a bit.   “That doesn’t mean we have to wait until your clothes don’t fit at all,” Thomas frowned. “Virgil, back me up here,” He asked Virgil as he walked past them to the fridge.   ‘About what?’ Virgil signed. ‘That Roman is an idiot?’ Roman rolled his eyes.   “I don’t think he was listening,” Roman took another drink of water.   “That Roman doesn’t need to wear clothes until he explodes out of them like the hulk,” Thomas said emphatically.   ‘That’d be cool to see, can you do that?’ Virgil signed, and Roman laughed.   “He’s not backing me up, is he?” Thomas huffed. Virgil saluted them and left the kitchen with a drink and chewing on something from the fridge.   “I think he’s on his own team,” Roman chuckled. “You just got me some clothes, it’s fine,”   “We got you two outfits worth, Roman, and if I knew most of your shirts were nearly see-through, I would have pushed for more,” Thomas frowned.   “I- I don’t…” Roman trailed off.   “You don’t what?” Thomas asked, leaning against the counter and looking at Roman in a way that just unnerved him.   “I didn’t… I don’t,” Roman stammered and drank his water nervously. He couldn’t say it. He left the kitchen. Thomas doesn’t want to hear it.   “Roman?” Thomas asked, following him. Roman headed upstairs and closed himself in his room. Thomas didn’t follow, luckily. Roman didn’t want to disappoint him again. He thought running would be free and just need to bother them one time. He didn’t realize the clothes were such a big deal. Roman leaned against the door and dropped his backpack on the floor next to him. He slightly pulled his hair as he ran his hands through it.   Roman slid down against the door and held his knees close to his chest. He didn’t have to join cross country. He could probably still back out. The sheet isn’t signed or anything. He wanted to make Patton happy, but Roman was used to being a disappointment. It was better than being a burden. Roman sighed and got up, picking up his backpack and dragging it to the desk. He had a shit-ton of homework to do and didn’t have time to mope. —   “Want to help us pick what to make for dinner?” Patton asked through the door after a quick knock. Roman rubbed his eyes, uncrossing them after looking up from his textbook.   “Too much homework. I’m fine with whatever,” Roman called back and glanced back down at his textbook. He fought the urge to just bash his head into it to try to force it into his brain physically.   “Maybe you should take a break, kiddo,” Patton replied. Roman managed to bite his tongue before he said he was fine again, but he did literally bite his tongue and it kind of hurt. He held open his mouth and felt it pulse slightly, but it didn’t taste like it was bleeding. “Roman?”   “Ah bit mah tongue,” Roman tried to reply. “Sorree,”   “Is it bleeding?” Patton asked with concern through the door.   “Nah, jus’ hur’,” Roman said and took a big drink of water. “Is good,”   “Can I get you some ice water for it?” Patton asked.   “No, is already fadin’,” Roman said and took another drink.   “Okay. I’ll come get you for dinner, then. Let us know if you need help with your homework,” Patton said.   “Kay,” Roman called back and rubbed his eyes again before getting back to catching up to the classwork. Why can’t teachers all use the same syllabus so Roman doesn’t have to do this all the time? Roman sighed. His eyes hurt from reading all this shit. Packets at least are the easiest way to do classwork and some of his teachers game him some. It’s like a scavenger hunt for answers in the textbook. What he wouldn’t give for some skittles right now, though. He was running out of steam. He was just going to finish this page and take a break. There was no way he could finish all this tonight, anyway.   Roman came down the stairs and waved awkwardly to Thomas as Roman passed his office. Thomas didn’t notice him, though. He headed into the kitchen, instead.   “Hey, are you okay if I take Lita on a quick run?” Roman said, pulling a water bottle out of the fridge.   “Go ahead, kiddo. Sounds like a nice break,” Patton said, stirring something savory smelling on the stove. Lita was wagging her tail brightly at Roman’s feet and made a very cute noise when Roman reached for the leash on the hook.   “Who’s a marvelous girl,” Roman cooed and scratched behind her ear before hooking up her leash. “See ya,” He waved to Patton before being nearly yanked out of the house by Lita.   Running in the cool evening air was much nicer than any other time of day. Lita was boisterously bolting as fast as Roman would let her go as usual. She stopped at the same stop sign and fire hydrant again. Dogs really were creatures of habit. Humans, too, probably. Roman kind of wished he had that kind of stability to get habits. He got a cute photo of her hopped up on a rock and barking at a squirrel up in the tree that threw something at her. She growled and Roman gave her leash a few gentle tugs and she jumped off and walked away from the squirrel angrily.   They settled back into a run after she was done fuming about the squirrel’s audacity. Which was very funny and lifted Roman’s mood a bit. The run helped clear his head, though not much. He probably should have thought to try running for fun instead of for work before. It was nicer than just working out in his room. Having a dog to run with was likely what made this nice, though. They turned the corner and Roman pushed himself to sprint as fast as possible to squeeze that last bit of run out of Lita. She raced excitedly up to the door, panting happily as she came inside. She trotted happily to the kitchen to get some water, and Roman followed.   “We’re back,” Roman said to Patton as he passed to the fridge for more cold water.   “Hey, there, kiddo! Did you have a nice run?” Patton smiled.   “Yeah, weather is nice outside right now,” Roman said and enjoyed some water. “Check out this photo I got of Lita yelling at a squirrel for throwing an acorn or something at her,” Roman said and pulled up the photo on his phone.   “Oh!” Patton cooed. “She’s got such an angry little face!” Patton squatted down to pet Lita. “Did that mean old squirrel assault you?” He rubbed her head and neck between both hands and Lita wagged her tail in a wide arc and licked his hand. Patton got up to wash his hands with a smile. “Send me that, wouldja?”   “Oh, sure,” Roman shrugged and sent it to Patton, then washed his hands right after him. “Do you need any help with dinner?”   “Nah, I’ve got it,” Patton shook his head and went back to cooking.   “Um, let me know if you do,” Roman mumbled and left the kitchen. He really didn’t want to go back to homework just yet. Dinner smelled good, and he was feeling lazy. Roman flopped down on the couch with the family laptop, opting for Minecraft. He probably didn’t have enough time to play the adventure game for long, but he could play creative mode for a bit.   Virgil came downstairs while Roman was working on his mansion behind a waterfall and leaned forward on the couch, watching Roman build as he laid across the couch with the laptop.   “You need the laptop or something?” Roman asked, trying to turn his head to see the answer. Virgil stuck his arm out to sign ‘no’ almost like a hand puppet. Roman shrugged and went back to placing the carpet pattern. Virgil stayed and watched, which was unexpected. Mostly because Virgil was willingly standing within three feet of Roman. He’d probably bolt if Roman made any sudden moves. Roman would, at least. Roman gave him a confused look, but he just shrugged in response. Virgil just watched quietly as Roman kept placing blocks.    Roman was putting vines on some marble pillars when Patton interrupted him.   “Dinner’s ready,” Patton called from the kitchen. Roman saved and quit while Virgil headed into the kitchen. Whatever it was, it smelled good. Roman put the laptop back on the side table and went to go eat dinner.

[dontdietwd]

Day 310, part 1

Michonne hadn’t been there when we returned that night with the young ones. They were scared and awed at the same time, and everyone at the Village received them really well. Miranda checked their wounds and scratches, they showered, had dinner and slept with the Morales’ for the first night. In the end, when they fell asleep from exhaustion, they were both more relaxed and Emma had even spoken a little. It was going to be good for them to have a real place and people around.

Michonne hadn’t come back on the next day either, and the day was passing and she wasn’t returning. Over 24 hours gone made us all worried. At that point we had already found working radios that could cover a good range for communication, but she wasn’t answering on the channel we all were in. She was probably just out of range, travelled a bit farther, but as the hours passed I got more and more anxious about it, my wrist aching and my heart tight. I always preferred when someone went on runs with her, being alone was not good.

I decided not to allow it anymore. Nobody was to go out alone, at all, ever, that was final.

But for now she was out there, the radio was silent, and time was passing.

I sent Merle out to look for her instead of going myself because there was work to be done at the Village, and I trusted Merle’s tracking and fighting skills. If someone could find and bring Michonne back, it was Merle. So he left and I stayed working with Morales on the wall – I was learning well how to set the bricks with cement – and I got David working with us as Miranda worked on comforting Emma – poor thing, she was jumpy and anxious all the time, even after a good night of sleep. Miranda and Emma were cleaning a house together where the girl and her brother would live. Honey liked her and I thought maybe she could be good company for her. As I worked, my mind was constantly out there, with Michonne and Merle. We had Mikki in the platform, Andrea rounding, and it was all alright.

But my mind was out there with my friends, picturing every little thing that could have gone wrong, every horrible way they could have been hurt, every terrible person they could have found on their way. And if I kept on with it I would go insane.

I needed to do something. Everything in the Village was fine as I walked along Circle Street and turned the corner to Main Street. I saw Mikki coming out of her house to cross the street towards the office. Her hair had changed since I knew her, looking more blonde now, contrasting prettily with her tanned skin. So I jogged to meet her before she could enter the house.

“Mikki!” I called her and she stopped to look at me and smiled. “Odd question! Could you help me with my hair?”

“Oh, honey,” she said tenderly and reached for my head. “What hair?”

I laughed, “It ain’t that short anymore! It’s what, two inches now?”

“If that. What do you wanna do –” and she stopped abruptly, widened her eyes and was suddenly really excited. “Oh, I know what we can do!!”

She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the next house, Merle’s. She entered with no ceremony, like she knew the place well. That got me thinking, but I didn’t ask. She dragged me straight to the bathroom – exactly where I had shaved my head the first time – and found the machine inside a drawer.

“You’re shaving me again?” I asked her

“Yes! Not all, though. Just trust me, you’ll look great!”

Eager, she dragged me away again, now to her house. Ma was napping on the couch, so we crossed the house silently and entered the bathroom. This house was larger than mine, more spacious, as we both fit well in the small space. So Mikki looked, and looked, and measured, and drew lines with the handle of a comb, and then started shaving the sides, leaving the top and back of my hair untouched.

And she was right, after she styled the longer part to stand up with hair gel, I did look awesome.

It was still the middle of the afternoon, tough, so I tackled the deep cleaning of my house that I’d been intending to do for a few days already. I had some detergent and bleach and they did a great job. I hand washed all the bed sheets, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned the inside of the fridge – thank the gods for the solar power we’d been able to get running. My fridge was small and didn’t spend a lot, so I still had enough energy for one warm shower a day and to have lights on at night. I washed the sink and kitchen floor with bleach, took the couch and mattress outside to take some sun, cleaned every surface of the house.

I was sweaty and stinky but I still decided to do a little makeover on the outside of the house. I walked around the Village looking at the other houses and chose a few path stones there were in front of one of them. They were large and heavy, so I took the car there and loaded them on the back, one by one, and drove then back to my place to lay them, making a path to connect the sidewalk to the porch steps. Then I swept it all from any dirt, and ended up sweeping the sidewalk too. One thing led to another and I ended up with a can of white paint that Morales’ had stocked and painting the rails of my porch.

I did it all to keep my mind busy and it worked damn well, because it was dark already when I stopped, deciding to give the paint a second hand tomorrow. I went to the sidewalk and looked over the house, the light on the porch on, couch and mattress back in. It was a nice house, real small with just a living room joined with dining room, a small kitchen, bathroom and one bedroom. It was enough and more than that, it was awesome. It was mine, the first time in my life that I had a house that was nobody else’s, and that was home.

I just needed Daryl there with me now. We could be happy in this house.

The radio on the back of my waist came to life then, startling me but in a really good way.

“Sam, you’re there?”

I nearly dropped it in the hurry to answer, “Michonne?! You okay?”

“I’m fine!” her voice told me.

Fuck, that was a relief!

“Is Merle there?”

“Yes, he found me,” and before I could ask what had happened and whey they’d be coming home, Merle’s voice came over Michonne’s. I could see him grabbing the radio from her hands unceremoniously.

“How ya doing, Sammy girl?”

I laughed. Shit, thank God!

“Don’t call me Sammy!” I answered exactly what Merle was expecting to hear. “Where are you? You coming home?”

I waited for an answer but the radio was silent for a while. Too long.

“Michonne?”

A few more seconds passed before she answered. Shit, don’t do that to a person!

“We’ll be back at first light tomorrow. Too dark already.”

Right. No wandering around at night, I had decided that. Nobody was to be out of the Village at night even if they had to sleep somewhere else in order to only be out of any safe place during the day. I wanted them back home, but I’d made the rule for a reason.

“Are you safe? Gonna be safe until morning?”

“We’re safe, don’t worry.”

“Good. Good, okay. Thank you for reaching out, I was worried sick here.”

“I know you were,” she told me and I could hear she had a smile at that. “How are things there?”

“All in order. Found two kids in the woods and brought them home yesterday. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. Please, no delays in the morning, okay?”

“You got it. We’ll see you soon. Good night!”

“Night,” and I added knowing Merle was by her. “Night, asshole!”

There was no answer but I could hear Merle’s laugh in my head. I laughed shaking my head, relief flooding me. They were fine.

I made one more round in the Village, spoke to everyone, checked again on the nights shifts and went back home. I tried turning on the little stereo that had been in the house but apparently the battered had finally died and it didn’t work. I remembered there were other ones on the stock house but I didn’t bother going there to get them now. I just took off my boots, sat on the couch, closing my eyes and breathing out, and then lit up a joint and smoked a little of it. Only two or three lungful’s, just to relax. I couldn’t smoke too much today because I had to be up in the middle of the night for my round shift. Already light on my feet, I moved to the kitchen, prepared myself some dinner – I had leftovers from yesterday’s canned meatballs – and after eating I took a quick, hot shower and went to bed.

I didn’t know, when I woke up just a few hours later, that my life was about to take a whole turn once again.

 * * *

 Merle wasn’t there but his schedule was followed normally. In the last three hours of the night, Mikki was on the gate platform keeping guard and I was in my post, circling the inner walls of the Village, Honey loyally following my every step. It was a calm night like all and the day was starting to show its face, the sky palling gradually and all the birds around starting to sing.

I was up on a tree on the back of the Village looking out to the woods over the hedge with binoculars. All quiet, nothing more than one walker with a long white dress wandering blindly far from there. Damn, that was a bride…

Mikki’s voice on the radio cut the silence, “Sam, do you hear me?”

I took it from my waist band, letting the binoculars hang, “Clearly, what’s up?”

“I see cars coming down the road towards us, bit slow.”

“Pro’ly Merle and Michonne coming back,” I told her.

“Nope,” she said with certainty. “Not their cars.”

“I’m on my way.”

I let myself fall from the branch to the ground and made my way walking fast nearly in a sprint around the lake towards Main Street. Just as I entered it, the radio came alive once again.

“Sam, quick, they’ve stopped!”

I started running, Honey did too, keeping up with me, “You’re armed, right?”

“I am, but they –”

She stopped abruptly.

“Mikki?”

Instead of her voice on the radio, I got Merle’s from somewhere out there, “What’s goin’ on over there?”

“Gonna know in a minute!” I told him and was already halfway up Main Street and now I could see Mikki up the platform, and she seemed fine. Not less worried, I saw David under it, looking up, his rifle already in hand. I heard steps behind me and saw Andrea and Morales, also armed, running up the street, and as I ran past Will and Mikki’s house, Will was coming out as well. I just stopped on the bottom of the platform to cock and arm my crossbow and having it ready before joining Mikki upon the platform and instantly aiming out, before I could even see who or what was out there.

I understood who it was at the same time he also recognized me.

The Governor.

He had an annoying, arrogant smile on his face, but when he saw who I was, when he fixed his eyes on me, it was gone instantly.

“You,” he said simply.

“Right back at ya, asshole,” I had no fucking ceremonies this time. “The fuck you want?”

He started laughing, his assault rifle in hand still pointing up. His man behind him, though, had them all pointed right at Mikki and I.

“Lynn,” the Governor said as he laughed. “Who’d tell? It’s you! I remember you. You’ve killed my men! Massacred them, I’ll give you that. I’ve been looking for you; did you know that?”

“How did you find me?”

“Oh, your little friends told me where to find you.”

Wait a minute. Merle and Michonne hadn’t. I was definitely sure they hadn’t, they’d talked to me yesterday on the radio, Merle had just talked to me. They hadn’t.

“Don’t bullshit me, Gov,” I mocked. “No friend of mine told you where to find me.”

“No? China boy and farm girl are not your friends then?” he laughed and I was frozen, the words still meaningless in my ears.

China boy and farm girl.

China boy and farm girl!

Glenn. Maggie.

Glenn and Maggie!

“D’you have them?” I asked, my insides in turmoil but I kept me exterior firm.

“Oh, so now you do know them,” he said with a smile. “It wasn’t even that hard to get them to say it. Point a gun at the china man’s bloodied head, farm girl will tell you all.”

Glenn and Maggie.

How the fuck did they lead the Governor here? I understand Maggie would tell anyone anything is Glenn’s life was a risk – and damn, Glenn and Maggie!! They were together and nearby; they were all nearby! – but how in the holy fuck did they know where the village was? Fuck, so many questions and the only person who could answer them was the Governor, the motherfucker.

I needed help. I needed everyone who was at home and I needed Merle and Michonne, I needed them all. So I needed time. I lowered my crossbow a little, not aiming for his head anymore, as an attempt to get them to relax a little bit.

“What have you done to them?”

“What do you think, Lynn? Wouldn’t mistreat guests, now, would I? What kind of man you take me for?”

“The kind that attacks smaller communities to take it all and tortures people for information? Am I close?”

He laughed, opening his arms, “You got me!”

I smiled at him. “Let’s talk, Gov. I ain’t willin’ to strike back like I did last time. Maybe we can work something out.”

“You wanna talk?” he stopped and pretended to be considering it.

“I got more than I did back then. More people, even more weapons. If I was trouble for you then, you don’t wanna know what I can do now.”

“You’re threatening me now?”

“Friendly warning. Let’s all put our guns down and I’ll go down there to talk, how does that sound?”

He nodded, mouth turning up and opening his arms, “Sure. Come on down, we’ll talk.”

We’ll talk, my ass.

Nodding, I lowered the crossbow all the way and Mikki and I went down the ladder, and started giving out orders immediately, my voice firm but low so they wouldn’t hear me from the other side of the wall.

Thank god the front wall had been the first one we got done. No bullets would go through it.

“Full load, everyone! Hide behind the cars and shoot the fuck outta them! This man will not talk, he’ll shoot as soon as we open the gate. Shoot to kill. They’ll not take the Village, we’ll fight for it!” and I took the radio and pressed the button, “Miranda, you got Ma and Emma?”

She answered immediately, “I got them!”

“You three stay in there no matter what until one of us go get you!”

“Got it!” she said.

“Michonne, Merle, you get your ass back here RIGHT NOW!”

“On our way already!” Merle said though it. “Fuck’s happenin’ there?”

“He found us. The Governor’s here.”

He took a second to answer and I knew he and Michonne were over there wherever the fuck they were, sharing a worried and angry look.

“Six minutes,” he informed me.

Good, that was quick enough.

I hang the crossbow on my back and took the .12 shotgun what was Will’s before, checked it was full and moved to the gate, everyone already out of sight but ready behind the cars. Looking at Mikki, who had her hands on the gate ready to slide it open, and gestured for her to open it and then to run up the platform. She nodded, her face serious and concentrated, and opened it.

With my back to the wall right on the side of the gate, I peeked out just as there was only a gap. The first shot came right then, hitting the metal of the still sliding gate, sparks flying and making me flinch back inside.

“Fuck! I thought you said we’d talk!” I yelled.

“I changed my mind!” the Governor’s voice came from somewhere outside.

Unlike in the movies when the bad guy and the good guy have a whole conversation before the big action scene, we said nothing else, neither did anyone. My people started shooting as soon as the gate was fully opened, aiming for any parts of bodies from the Governor’s people that could be seen. Mikki was already up in the platform, crouched down to hide behind the wall, shooting and hiding again. Shots came non-stop from the outside, making it hard for me to get an opportunity to look out, aim and shoot. These motherfuckers were trained, much better than we were.

Mental note to get battle training to everyone from now on. With plans and formations and all.

I needed to get out of this corner because he knew that’s where I was and bullets were grazing the corner of the wall too close to me for my likes. Before I could sprint away though, his voice came from the outside again.

“I thought you said you wanted to talk!”

“I lied!”

I took the crossbow from my back and let it fall there near the wall. As much as I loved it, I wouldn’t be much help not and the thing was heavy, I didn’t need anything holding me back. Then I ran away, not entering the line of fire by running behind and around Ma’s house – thank God she was at Miranda’s with her and Emma, no stray bullets would get to them – and returning to the street behind the cars with the others. I knelt on the asphalt and from there I had better chances on seeing and shooting them. I hit one of the men high in the chest, nearly on his neck instead of in the head like I wanted.

Update on my kills: five.

We’d have as least one walker in a few minutes, also all the noise as going to attract others from the area. This had to end as soon as possible. I heard, among the all the shooting, when the door of a car was strongly closed and a motor turned on. They couldn’t be withdrawing, could they?

Looking over the hood, I saw the Governor had a huge truck with some sort of metal grid fortifications on it, and he was accelerating. Caught his eyes then.

He was smiling.

“Get away from the cars!!!” I yelled at the others as loudly as I could. “Now!!”

But I only moved after the instant I saw the others heard me. Morales, Andrea, David and Will ran seeking cover elsewhere but I had no time to see where because looking again I saw the car coming straight at the car I was behind, straight at me.

I jumped to the side of the street, falling on my chest and hands just as he hit the car. Motherfucker destroyed my Hummer but it didn’t matter now, because as I turned to look, the car had flied sideways and it went straight to the office porch. The wood column tumbled and the roof fell on top of the ruined car, the whole small house bending to the side. It was destroyed.

Safe inside the car even after a strong crash, the Governor looked out at me through the window, smiling and opening the door. Still on the ground I reached for my shotgun that had fallen by my side, stretching a bit, but before I could even point at him and cock it, the Governor was out of the car and a golden brown shadow was flying over me towards him.

Honey attacked like I’d never seen her do, viciously, growling and biting his arm. He was screaming, his machine gun falling to the ground, and he fought her. I turned to shoot at others who were approaching to try to help him.

Six. Seven.

I didn’t see him take a pistol from fuck knows where even as he tried to fight Honey away. I just heard the shot and a shriek whimper and Honey fell to the ground. I froze looking at her, who was trying to stand, limping and crying, and there was blood coming from somewhere on her hind.

Now I had it. That was it. Motherfucker wanted to take my Village? I’d kill him for it. But shoot my dog?! I’d fucking torture him!

It was like it was all happening in slow motion. Honey had fallen and I’d looked at her, and rising my shotgun again looked back at the sonofabitch as he pointed his pistol right at me, a satisfied, smug look on his face even as his other arm bled. I lowered my shotgun as I swirled around myself, raising my leg as I went, the motion giving me force to kick the motherfucker’s hand away and send his gun flying away. It hurt his hand, good, and he cradled it as I got nearer and pointed the shotgun right at his head.

“Kneel!” I yelled and he rose his hands. The shooting around us was lessened but not gone, so his men were still around. The Governor was bending his knees a little, looking a bit scared at me but not kneeling as I ordered.

And then his creepy, annoying little smile returned, and felt a barrel of a gun press on the back of my head.

“You kneel,” a male voice said from behind me.

My wrist burned like hell as I held the shotgun, finger on the trigger. “I got a shotgun on your boss forehead, you sure this is a good idea?”

“Drop it!” the man yelled as he pressed it strongly against my head. It was still a bit hot from his probable shooting with it before, and it pushed me a little forward.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck.

Where the fuck were the others? There was still shooting going on, so I don’t think any of them could come to my rescue, and there the hell were Merle and Michonne? It’d been over six minutes hadn’t it?! But was that a car noise? I couldn’t look, but I knew someone was coming. They were here, they’d help.

I’d had to lower the gun but I didn’t want to. But the hot barrel on the back of my head made sure I did. I lowered it and –

And then so many things happened at the same time it got all a mess in my mind. The car I’d head came cross the gate and ran over one of the governor’s man, who flew somewhere out of my sight. I felt the gun on my head move and the man holding it got startled, but it never left. I looked to my side to see it and they were coming out of the car, Merle, Michonne, Rick, Daryl, all guns pointed at us, including the crossbow and –

What?

I saw nothing, all the sounds around me deafened by my pounding heart and ringing ears and I looked, just stared, everything around me in slow motion again. Daryl was coming on our direction, crossbow pointed and long steps, and his eyes found mine.

He was here.

Daryl was here.

My eyes widened and I started, but only just started, to come back to myself and the reality around me. There was a gun pointed to my head but I couldn’t simply not look at Daryl, because this was Daryl and he was here.

It had all happened in probably two seconds. I was being grabbed forcefully, turned to face the others, to face Daryl with the Governor behind me, the gun now in his hand, pointing it at my temple, his arm around my neck. I hadn’t seen it happening. I got distracted, obviously because Daryl was here, how could I not? I raised my hands to hold the Governor’s arm, trying to pull it away from my neck because the feeling of a man around my neck again got to my nerves instantly, but my eyes were still on Daryl, as though if I stared enough I would understand what was happening and what he was doing here.

“Merle?” the Governor asked from behind me and then laughed aloud.

It was only then that I looked around, my eyes leaving Daryl’s to see Rick right there, his Python pointed right at me – of course not at me, but the man had his head hidden well right behind mine – and then Merle, his eyes worried looking at us and Michonne coming a little behind, limping.

Oh, these guys had lots to tell me! I’d want details!

But first I had to get rid of this motherfucker. The other man was by our side and I felt movement behind us, which meant other of Woodbury’s men where there, and then my people we closing in behind the others, behind Daryl.

So it was me between the two groups. Nobody wanted to do anything not to risk him shooting me in the head right in front of them. Oh, no, he wouldn’t. Daryl was right here, finally, after so long he was here in my sight, and I would not just motherfucking die now.

I hadn’t said a word yet and I wouldn’t because if I said anything it would end up being Daryl’s name and now was not the moment.

“Drop it!” Daryl said and I couldn’t believe I was hearing his voice again. It was loud and firm and filled with anger. Oh my Daryl.

I had to think and act fast but any defense movement I knew would point the gun right at the people in front of me even for a milliseconds and he could pull the trigger and end up hitting someone. I couldn’t take the risk.

It felt like it’d been all happening for minutes but it was seconds. The Governor was speaking, threatening but I didn’t register the words because I started panicking a bit when he started walking back, towards the car he’d used to enter the Village. He was going to take me away.

Everyone reacted at that, yelling at him to stop, at his man to drop, but nobody felt safe enough to shoot or he’d shoot me, I knew that’s what they were all feeling.

“Shoot’em!” the Governor yelled from behind my head and at that, chaos spread. I barely saw it, everyone was shooting and looking for cover but I didn’t watch long enough. I squatted a little as I removed one hand from his arm around my neck and raised it strongly above our heads, pushing his armed hand up and away from my head. I failed in grabbing hold of his wrist, though, and that was a mistake. As I grabbed his arm around my neck with my other hand, I tried shoving him backwards with my hips and pulling his forward so he’d roll over me and fall on the ground, but his free hand came down on my head, the butt of the gun hitting me straight in the nose.

I hear the crunchy noise and went blind to everything, my eyes watering instantly and I screamed a round of curses because that hurt like a motherfucker, and then I was being dragged into the car. I kicked and punched and spat all I could but now I was mostly useless. He was again on my back, the worst bear hug I’d ever experienced, and then I was inside with him and two other men were entering even as the bullets flew freely outside, people yelling and cursing. He pressed the gun to my temple again to make me stop fighting and then the car was backing off, bullets grazing it and the thing was probably armored because none came though, not even the windows.

We were outside already and people were running, I was able to look though the back window and I saw, and it broke my heart and filled the little pieces with rage, that Daryl was out, looking at the car sped away on the road, and he ran after us for a while before stopping and running back to the Village.

This was not over. They were all gonna go after me. Daryl was gonna get me.

So I relaxed and stopped struggling against the Governor’s chest, and he let go of me, pushing me away to press my back against the back door, and he faced me.

And he saw me smiling.

“Do you think you have reasons to be smiling about, Lynn?” he asked me, the gun pointed at my chest.

I licked the blood that was rolling down my nose to my lips. “Yeah, I actually do. It’s ‘cause you got no idea. No fuckin’ idea, Gov.”

“No idea of what?” he asked as he breathed hard though his teeth.

“That you’re fuckin’ with the wrong people.”

[loveinthetimeofcorona]

March 17

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better after sleeping for a full 8 hours and taking meds again. My cough is still persistent but doesn’t hurt as bad anymore, plus, a big bonus that my body doesn’t hurt *everywhere.* However, my nose is running like 45 away from his taxes so that’s been a pleasure to handle.

Bodies are a weird thing. For a long time I had an off-again, on-again relationship with my own around positivity, opinions from lovers, and projection & acceptance of it. I don’t have to tell you the extreme pressure of a woman’s body to be anatomically incorrect and hairless and thin, but in these times of needing to extra listen to your body for health and wellness, I am damn glad my biggest “problem” is my midsection. My arms work for petting cats and my legs function well for standing in the shower. My vision to look at my beautiful yard and my hearing to listen to my partner tell me he loves me is immeasurably valuable.

...which is why I was initially so sad to find a lump underneath my right armpit last night after taking the best hot shower in recent memory. However, before anyone panics, when I was sick in December from my URTI the doctor told me it was normal to have a blocked sweatgland as a side effect. Part of me feels relieved in a weird way to see this old friend again because I know what to do, but another part of me is like:

Toe-may-toe, to-mah-toe. Also, fun fact, while we’re oversharing, I stopped shaving my armpits in December when I got my first blocked sweatgland (you’ll always remember your first) because my doc said it may irritate the area. And I just didn’t pick it back up, 3 months later...

So, where are we in the healthcare game right now so I can tackle getting better? Well...here we go.

Monday:

I attempted to “get seen” by a doctor via virtual waiting room. This means scheduling a video call with a doctor so you can talk to them about what you’re feeling, and they put a visual on your symptoms. I’ve never done this before but considering all the precautions of the coronavirus, it seemed like a good idea (famous last words). Particularly if you think you have COVID-19, you should make arrangements with your health provider to get an initial screen via phone or video call first. If the symptoms persist, the nearest hospital will prep for your arrival. Because I don’t know if I have COVID-19 or a plain ol URTI again, I figured I’d give technology a shot and got my list of symptoms ready to talk with the doc about. But after having the UHC app open for 4+ hours and no bites, I closed it and attempted again this morning.

Tuesday:

Here was my schedule:

10:09am - get an email that “It’s time to join your Virtual Visit” - great! Pick up my phone to open the app and then...

10:10 - get a second email that says “A Teladoc provider was unable to reach you for your visit“ - for real? 60 seconds and then the doc bounced? Even Lyft has better waiting windows than this.

10:11-10:19 - bitch to coworkers about not being able to be seen, our healthcare system is in shambles, and I am running out of Kleenex.

10:20 - after making a cup of tea I re-join the app waiting room and decide to just keep my phone on, with the app open, for the forseeable future since I’m dealing with a REAL LIFE ONE MINUTE MAN (and subsequently go down a Missy Elliott video k-hole, which, always OK).

10:26 - get kicked out of the UHC app with a generic “we’ve experienced an error” in addition to getting completely logged out of the app somehow. At this point I am invested. I’ve been ignoring text messages and avoiding going on Instagram just to have this fucking app open. I log back in.

10:45 -  the app still shows the "We apologize for the wait. You are still in the queue for the next available provider" banner. This banner is the Hoover Dam. 11:30 -  the app is still showing the "We apologize for the wait. You are still in the queue for the next available provider" banner. I also realize the mic and video options on the app have been active this whole time. In a moment of WTF, I mute myself and position the camera to get a good view of the smoke detector on my ceiling. 12pm - I swap to FaceTime to catch up with a friend and lay out I may need to jump if UHC calls me back for the app appointment. It is good to see a face across the country that reminds me my friends are awesome. 12:45 - (in Morgan Freeman voice) "They, in fact, did not join the virtual waiting room." I take more meds in hopes my chest hurts less. I realize I'm out of Cepacol. I contemplate bum rushing Walmart and if my legs in a weakened state could make a run for it. 1:55 - I am going to murder the "We apologize for the wait. You are still in the queue for the next available provider" banner. I'm bummed that in five minutes, I will be attending a webinar called "Managing Isolation and Loneliness" and not "Managing Community Activism to Overthrow the Government and Rage." I still have my phone literally 6 inches away from my laptop, still open to the dumb app waiting for a human on the other end to validate me being sick. My husband asks me to put a blanket on my lap so I don't get cold. I tell him that if I burn the place down I will stay warm that way. I decide if I still don't get a bite by the end of this webinar, I will venture into no mans land - actually calling the patient support line for my health care provider.

6:43 - work takes precedence, and I tie up everything I can to close out my work day so I can talk to my brother. He describes his Mad Max journey heading back from Tahoe to the Bay Area with his girlfriend, which includes going to BFN for toilet paper and going on an epic search for eggs. After making my umpteenth cup of tea, I finally hunker down and call the 800 number on the back of my insurance card. I opt in for a call back and set a timer to see how long *this* process will take.

6:45 - someone calls me back. I silently yelp in surprise. What black magic is this that a phone call is faster than an app? I ask no questions. I describe my troubles to the admin: I’ve waited around in the app, I feel like shit, somehow the doc didn’t see me for my visit in the morning because I was too “slow” to log into the waiting room. While we talk an “Unknown” caller is on other side but I ignore it because I’m talking to a human. Then I get a text that a doc tried me again and I didn’t answer, so my virtual visit has now been canceled.

It took everything I had to not snap my phone in two and use it as a digital shank. I explain that to the admin who just says “Wow. Let’s just cancel this virtual visit and I’ll sign you up for a phone call consultation tomorrow.”

Hours wasted in an app to be seen: 8. Time on the phone to get scheduled: 3 minutes. Way to go, UHC. But hey! I have to keep remembering that there’s ice cream in the freezer and I don’t have a fever. And that I am flipping fortunate to actually have health insurance. Maybe tomorrow I will try my luck on day three of “I’d really like to know if Satan is going to take me away now.”

Five random thoughts for today:

The dye job for my roots I got 6 weeks ago is hanging on for dear life these days, but I urge all of you - DO NOT BOX DYE.

A friend on the East Coast FaceTimed me out of the blue yesterday, simply because I mentioned on my Instagram I wanted more human interaction. That inspired me to do more of that, too.

Last night when I took a hot shower it occurred to me this was the time I could touch my face *incessantly* without much consequence. It made me wonder if everyone’s skincare routine is gonna be next level lit and we’re all going to be just glowing in the summer.

My friends with kids who are having to stay home with them during this time are some of the fuckin MVPs of the century.

Keep track of when the last time you left the house was. For me, it was 4 days ago and I’ve figured out that is my breaking point. Because I’m sick my plan is to do a mini hike tomorrow far far away from anyone so I can at least feel fresh air.

[imaginedilestrade]

All The Kings Men- Part 2

A/N: Here’s part two!!! I’m glad everyone’s enjoying it so far and I have no self control so gave written a THIRD PART?!?! That will be posted tomorrow!

Warnings: Bit of violence (hardly any) swearing (what’s new?)

—————————

Greg blinked away the shock of hearing your words. He was curious and suspicious. He knew living with a house full of spy’s would keep him on edge at all times, even if it was just for a week or so. He returned to his room he was sharing with Anderson and started at the ceiling. He didn’t know what to think, thoughts were whizzing around in his kind so much that he couldn’t sleep. When he turned and saw that it was almost seven in the morning he got up and headed to the kitchen to make a coffee. He heard faint grunts coming from the end of the hall and went to investigate. He found you with your hands taped up, releasing everything you had that was built up inside you on a punching bag. You wiped away the sweat that had gathered on your forehead and that’s when you noticed Greg standing on the other side of the glass wall. You sent him a small smile and waved him to come in. He took a moment to register but quickly walked in. “How experienced are you with hand to hand combat detective inspector?” You asked catching your breath. Greg nervously rubbed the back of his neck “Not much to be honest. I did a bit of it while I was still in training and please, call me Greg.”

You nodded your head and pursed your lips in thought. “Hit me.” Greg’s brows almost hit to the roof and his eyes almost fell out his head. “W-what?!” He wasn’t sure if he had heard you right. “Hit me. Show me what you’ve got.” You didn’t adapt a defensive position, the opposite actually, you stood up straight and looked quite relaxed. Greg was taken aback but slowly approached you before trying to tackle you. You wasted no time in pinning Greg to the ground with your arm. You almost winded him in the process. You straddled him and twisted his arms slightly, not to cause him any pain but it was enough pressure to make him uncomfortable “You’ve got some work to do…” you teased. “Yeah well I don’t expect to be tackled to the ground first thing in the morning…” you laughed but it hitched slightly when he moved slightly underneath you to adapt a more comfortable position. He just made it worse. But the way he moved sent a chill down your spine, especially feeling his hips lightly grind into you. “Y/N?” There was a new voice. Your head snapped up and you quickly got off Greg “H-Harry?!” Your face burned and you awkwardly cleared your throat “I was just training with Greg.” Greg slowly got up off the floor and looked over to Harry who was sending him a murderous glare. “We’re having a team discussion. I was just collecting you both.” Harry spoke between gritted teeth. You furrowed your brows and made your way to the living room where everyone was gathering. You sat with Roxy who was in the middle of a yawn. “Morning sleepy,” you smirked. “Least we didn’t have Eggsy in with us, he would have kept us up all night with his snoring!” She giggled and crossed her legs. “I don’t snore…” Eggsy uttered under his breath. “Yes you do…” all the kingsmen replied. “If we could all move away from Eggsy sleeping habits,” Merlin spoke up “I’ve acquired you all invitations for the gala next week.” Merlin handed them all out, sending you a sympathetic smile as he handed over your envelope. You opened it and furrowed your brows “I’m a ‘Mrs Y/N Woodward’? Who’s the lucky 'Mr Woodward’?” You let out a snort of laughter “Or am I rich widow?” Roxy laughed along with you as you joked. “Um no…” a nervous voice spoke up “I’m Mr Woodward.” Your head turned to Greg and it tilted to the side slightly “Oh!” You tried not to sound as surprised as you were “That’s alright!” You sent the DI a thin lipped smile “Well at least I don’t have to fake married to Eggsy again…that was horrendous.” “Oh my god, Y/N. One time! And I told you I didn’t mean to ruin your dress!” Eggsy groaned. “Do you know how difficult it is to get blood out of a cream coloured dress?!” Your voice raised slightly before Harry’s clearing threat made you realise you were still sitting in front of three people who worked at Scotland Yard. “Sorry, please continue Merlin.” “The gala is a few days away so for the Scotland Yard team you will need to do a fair bit of training beforehand.” Merlin tapped away on his tablet and the television showed what Merlin was looking at. “I’ve set up a training schedule for all of you…” Merlin emphasised and you could hear Eggsy groan under his breath. “Y/N, Roxy and Donovan,” Merlin looked at the three of you “I’ve arranged a dress fitting this afternoon. You’ll all pick a dress for next week. The gents will go to the shop and pick a suit. Are we all clear?”

A chorus of 'Yeses’ filled the room. Roxy, Donovan and yourself all went to get organised for the dress fitting. “Y/N?” You were almost out of the living room when Harry called you “A word?” Your eyes latched on to Greg’s for a millisecond before your attention was solely on Harry and the DI walked out but he stayed within earshot. “Yes Galahad,” you knew it annoyed him when you used his codename. “Enough!” He quietly snapped and he grasped onto your arm pulling you close to him “Do not test me Y/N. I want to know what happened in Moscow. I know you’ve confided in Merlin…” You looked up to the senior spy and narrowed your eyes tightly at him “Fuck off Harry,” you whipped your arm out of his hold and went to strong off by he grabbed you again, holding both your arms so this time you couldn’t escape. Greg peered from around the corner and raised a brow at your interaction with Harry. “I’m only asking because I care about you!” He hissed and it didn’t sound caring at all. “Sure, whatever…” you uttered and rolled your eyes. “Stop treating me like I’m made of porcelain,” you folded your arms “It feels like you doubt my ability.” “I don’t and I’m…I’m sorry,” Harry choked out. You sent him a thin lipped smile and he brought you forward to press a kiss to your forehead “I love you my darling.” Greg felt a pain spread through his chest. Of course you, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, had someone. Greg did assume from the moment he had seen you that men fell at your feet. He turned away and went upstairs just as you left Harry. You met with Roxy in your room who was chatting away with Donovan “Hey girls! Are you ready to go? I think the car should be here soon” You smiled leaned against the doorframe. You all headed downstairs and were chauffeured to the dress shop. The five remaining gentlemen went to the Kingsman Taylor shop on Savile road. “Greg and I will take dressing room one,” Harry practically threw Greg into the dressing room and slammed the door behind him. Greg would be lying if he said he didn’t feel intimidated. “You lay one finger on her and I’ll cut off your hand is that clear?” Harry glared down at Greg who couldn’t help but frantically nod. He knew Harry was talking about you. “Wonderful. May I suggest a black suit with a tie that has a hint of red in it? For some reason Y/N always picks a black dress with red…” Harry’s voice shifted from a threatening one to one as if he was talking to Greg as if he was an old friend. Greg and the rest of the men were fitted with a suit and returned back to the mansion. The DI had a training session after dinner and made his way down to the training area. He found you there punching that bag again. “Do you want me to leave?” You asked between breaths, not diverting your focus from punching the punchbag. Greg realised that you were talking to him after a moment “Oh! Right! Uh…no that’s alright.” He slowly walked over to the other side of the room and you half watched him before stopping your arms mid-punch. “Have you ever sparred before?” “What?” Greg raised a brow.

You chortled “I’ll take that as a no…” you trailed off and walked over to him “That’s alright I can teach you a few things!” Harry’s words rung in Greg’s head “Oh no you don’t-” “Ah nonsense!” You waved off his refusal “Will be a piece of cake!” “No it’s re-really okay!” You heard the tremble in Greg’s voice “Okay,” you smiled and turned on your heel. You heard Greg let out a sigh of relief but it was cut short by you turning on the spot and pinning him against the wall with your forearm to his neck. “What kind of fake wife would I be if I didn’t try and choke you just once?” You teased. You could feel the heat coming from Greg’s neck that soon reached his face “Do I make you nervous detective inspector…?” You whispered and moved your face closer to his. You smirked and moved your face back a little “Never let your guard down.” You dropped him and he gulped down air full of desperation. You left him with a sly smile on your face. But after that little stunt, Greg fell for you even more. ——————— “You never could sleep before a mission…” you turned your head from where you were sitting at the dining table with a glass of scotch in hand. The week had flown in. You smiled to yourself and held it up in front of you “Merlin recommended this to ease my nerves…I’m not nervous I just can’t sleep. My head is constantly running over strategies.” Harry sat across from you and you slid him the glass. He inhaled it before tasting it, humming in approval before finishing it off. “I wasn’t done with that…” you breathed out. “Did you like it?” Harry asked raising a brow. “No, it was fucking rank…” you lightly laughed before it died down in your throat. You glanced up to Harry who was mindlessly playing with the glass “What happened in Moscow…” you paused and Harry instantly became interested “They knew your relationship to me. They didn’t know I was me when I visited but I-” your voice broke and a tear slipped down your cheek “I had to get out of there.”

You wiped away your tear and breathed in a lungful of air “That shitty scotch is making me emotional!” You half joked and half sobbed. Harry sent you a concerned look before leaning across the table and holding your hand in his “There’s nothing to worry about. You need sleep, go on, get some rest. I need you on top form tomorrow.” “Of course.” You stood up and retired to your bed. You still couldn’t sleep. ——————— “Bloody hell Y/N that some set of legs on you!” Roxy gawked from the dressing room table in your room, looking back to you from the reflection in the mirror. “Rox, you should take a look at yourself. You’re stunning!” You smiled and finished putting your earrings in and grabbed a box from your bedside cabinet that had your favourite hairpin in it. A gold butterfly. You slipped it into your hair and admired it with a smile. You and Roxy headed downstairs arm in arm “You got the pistol?” She asked. “Yeah got it in my garter,” you replied “Also got a few other bits and bobs.” Roxy smirked seeing you wink “You got the Caracal pistol?” “Indeed I do…” she trailed off and you both made it to the bottom of the stairs. Greg came from around the corner and your mouth dropped at the same time as his seeing him in a perfectly fitted suit. “Wow…” you breathed out admiring him. “You’re just as wow…” Greg sent you a thin lipped smile. “Alright, everyone got their earpieces in?” Merlin asked tapping away on his tablet. Everyone positively replied “Okay. When you all arrive there give each other as little interaction as possible. It’s probable that you may be introduced to one another throughout the night but I’m sure you can all manage. Now, The kingsmen agents will be responsible for the arrest of Jim Moriarty as well as our Russian businessman, Yuri Lavlov. Your cars are ready. Good luck.” You were in a car with Greg, the ride was quiet. You looked over to Greg a few times and it looked like he was trying to get into character. “You don’t have anything to be nervous about,” you softly spoke, capturing his attention “If anything goes wrong I’m more than capable to protect you.” “I don’t doubt that for a minute…” Greg whispered and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself. You put on your kingsman glasses and tapped the side of them to establish a comms link “Merlin? Everything alright with the specs?” “Everything’s perfect Y/N. You’ve got about ten seconds before you pull up to the hotel.” You thanked Merlin and turned to Greg, flashing him a reassuring smile before the car stopped and the door opened. You stepped out with Greg and walked in, Eggsy, Harry and Donovan were already there. Roxy and Anderson would arrive soon. “We should dance…” you leaned over and whispered to Greg who gulped slightly seeing Harry’s stern gaze fixated on him. Greg didn’t even answer instead you took his hand and dragged him to the floor. You physically had to put his hands on you and even then he wasn’t touching you. You let out a sigh “I certainly hope your not married if this is the way you dance with a woman…Your movement is almost fucking robotic.” Greg cleared his throat, “Sorry. I’m not married…or seeing anyone for that matter.” He quietly confessed.

You raised a brow “Then touch me as if I was your wife,” he didn’t have much of a choice, you had snaked his arms around you. “I don’t want to make Harry jealous…” he whispered. Your brow furrowed “Why would he be ?” “He warned me the other day…” “Of course he did,” you uttered with a sigh “Don’t take any notice of him. He’s not jealous, believe me.” Greg’s muscles eased his dance moves started to flow naturally. “Y/N?” You heard Merlin speak. “Hmm?” You hummed. “Yuri is to your right. He’s been looking at you for the past wee while, you need to get his attention away from you. There’s a chance he might recognise you.” “Okay, I’ll draw less attention to us.” You replied and looked up to Greg who was a bit taller than you “You need to kiss me.” “Wh-what?!” Greg almost screamed out. “Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable, so it’s either a peck on the lips or we both risk dying…” you stated in a matter of fact tone. Greg let it a groan under his breath and glanced over to Harry who was keeping a close eye on you both. Greg quickly pecked your lips, so quick the two of you barely even noticed. You swayed on the spot and noticed that Yuri was still looking at you both. “Too quick,” you hissed and decided to take the reins, crashing your mouth to his. Your lips tingled as he unintentionally moaned but that only encouraged you to kiss him more. After a few seconds you completely forgot about the world around you. Your mind was much and your knees were getting weak. Greg wrapped his arms even tighter around you and this time you were doing the moaning. Greg smiled into the kiss before you pulled away hearing Harry almost screaming in your ear that Yuri had looked away. Your chest was heaving and your lips had swollen slightly “Was that all an act?” You asked Greg in a whisper. “Did you think it was an act?” He ignored your question and asked his own. You opened your mouth to speak but Greg was dragged away by Anderson and Eggsy while you were dragged away by Harry “Focus on the mission!” He snapped. “I am!” “Ah Mrs Woodward and ambassador Theodore…” you looked up to Harry and mentally mocked his fake alias. “Hello Mr Lavlov,” you sent your target a fake smile. Yuri held out his hand and you shook it. “I do love a woman with a firm handshake…” he trailed off with a flirtatious smile. “Oh don’t let my husband hear you say that!” You put on a laugh “This is a very impressive party!” “Thank you, I see you are both empty handed. Please, let me get you a drink,” Yuri turned away and fetched two glasses of champagne and handed you and Harry a glass before getting one for himself. He held up the glass and you all clinked them together before you and Harry drank the bubbly liquid. “Do excuse me for a moment. I hope to see you both later!” Yuri waved you both off and you gagged on the liquid that you had drank out of politeness. “That champagne tasted like cat piss,” you groaned. Harry rolled his eyes “Manners Y/N,” he chided “But you’re right it did taste like cat piss.” You blinked and looked down to the glass suddenly seeing tiny white and black dots clouding your vision. You blinked again, quicker each time but the more you did it, the worse it got. “G-Galahad?” You used Harry’s codename and stumbled back. “He put something in our drink…” Harry slurred out. “M-Merlin?” You tapped your glasses and tried to get a hold of him before falling back into someone’s strong arms. You looked up and saw that it was Yuri, Harry was in the arms of someone else and you were both dragged away without anyone noticing.

——————— I love a cliffhanger 😏😉Part three posted tomorrow!

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[pisati]

really struggled to wake up this morning. 

I don’t want to say the COVID shifts were easy. 12-13-hour long-hauls were tiring for sure. but I’d honestly rather have that and have more time off than having to work every single day. I feel like I can’t keep up. even thinking about anything is hard. my 7h shifts are becoming 8-8.5h shifts when I close because of all the shit that piles up by the end of the day, and this week has been so erratic I don’t really know what to make of it. sometimes it’s nice to close because I can sleep in and I don’t have to actually get up and shower until 11, but most of the time I’m too tired to do anything with my morning. at least when I open or start earlier in the day I just have to get up and force myself to get going, and then I can be home before dinner. I’m pretty excited to be able to leave at 5 tomorrow. but I have to work saturday again. I don’t know what kind of energy I’m going to have sunday. I wanted to do more crafting but I just don’t know. I’m just going to have to be right back to it on monday again.

this morning was slightly more upsetting than usual. I was lying on my couch after eating breakfast and playing a little animal crossing, and I just started crashing. I couldn’t let myself fall asleep because I had my therapist appointment at 10, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I couldn’t sit up. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t make myself do anything. I got another etsy order this morning from a stranger, and literally all I have to do is package up a mask and slap a shipping label on the envelope, but I’m too fucking tired to even do that. having to get up and be a person almost every single day is seriously taking a toll. and while I’m trying not to let my anxieties spiral, I seriously worry about my ability to ever keep up with a 40h work week. maybe I can do the work, but now I’m coming home and crashing so hard I can’t even think.

I was supposed to be journaling on how hard I am on myself this week, and I haven’t had the energy to produce a single thought about it. I told my therapist that this morning. I’m just feeling extra brain-foggy and the energy it takes to think about something any more than superficial is not there. she left it up to me what I’d like to talk about next week. we did talk about my dad briefly because of father’s day. I don’t know if I’m ready to tackle that yet.

I know I didn’t process it properly. I didn’t even think I was grieving properly when it happened. but it’s painful digging up the shit I know I really need to talk about. I just don’t know what I can actually do about it. most of what’s upsetting is the fact that I didn’t say everything I should have when I had the chance. I don’t know what I believe but I have serious doubts about an afterlife, or a continuation in some kind of spirit or whatever after we die. what feels the most right to me is that we’re just gone. the lights are out. everything that is us is in our brains, and there’s no spark there to make it work. the spark isn’t us. and I hate that! I hate that that’s the only way I can rationalize it! because I want to hope so fucking badly that he can hear me or that I’ll be able to see him and talk to him again maybe once I kick it, but I just... I don’t feel like that’s how it is. and that’s so fucking hard to come to terms with. it means I have a LOT of forgiveness I need to work on giving myself.

and what more is there to do outside of that? it’s going to be painful until I die. I don’t think it’ll ever not be painful. I’ll have to live the rest of my life without my dad. a whole life without being able to tell him I’m sorry. because I had 24 fucking years to say it and I didn’t. and now I might never get to. it feels like a hollow attempt at self-comfort to imagine that he can hear me. to tell myself he understands. the best I can really do is know that he would have understood if he were here. 

I didn’t tell him I loved him enough. he was pretty mentally out of it towards the end, and he’d told people that when I said it maybe a few weeks before he passed that it was the first time in my life I’d ever said it. it definitely wasn’t. but in my adult life I’ve found it extremely difficult to say. I’m a lot better at performing love than saying it. I just hope he knew. 

I was thinking about him a few nights ago. I pictured the way he was when he died. I remember the way he was lying. on his back, with a hand kind of held towards his face. I remember the deacon who’d come from the hospice service had kind of gently poked fun at it (in a “what kind of gesture is that?” kind of way; an attempt to soften the mood I guess, not meant to be mean). but I can’t get it out of my head. it almost looked like he could have been holding a phone towards his ear. it absolutely fucking kills me inside to think that, maybe in his last moments, he thought he was calling me. 

that’s so fucking painful to even write out. 

---

I have to be up early tomorrow for a pain doctor appointment. they called me earlier and asked if I wanted to do telemedicine. I thought it was going to be more injections, but whatever. I had to reschedule my original appointment because I didn’t know what my work schedule would be, so it’s at 7. but at least I don’t have to get up at 6 to go drive over there.

I think I’m going to have to start smaller with the new rat. I tried to briefly introduce him to the other rats individually in the bathtub, as I’ve been doing. but I put him with jasper since jasper’s the most laid-back, and he’s still being unnecessarily aggressive. I think it’s preemptive; he’s anticipating the bigger rats trying to fight him, so he starts fighting them out of fear. I’ve tried holding him still so he can see jasper just wants to sniff at him and doesn’t want to fight him, but he wiggles his tail as rats do when they’re really nervous, and he tries to back out of my hand. when I pick him up out of the bathtub his heart is racing and he’s wide-eyed. he’s just really scared. I think I’m going to have to get him more used to being around me first, before I can get him comfortable being around the other rats. he’s not aggressive towards me, and in fact he seems to like the bonding pouch. he’s comfortable climbing on me and taking food from me. but I need him to be confident in his environment. so I just shut the resident rats out of the bathroom and I’m sitting on the floor with the new one, letting him run around while I’m typing. he can climb all over me and sniff the things that need to be sniffed. at first he was scared to move from my lap, and he’s still freezing a little when he hears the other rats outside, but he’s confidently running around and climbing on my lap. sort of letting me pet him. I think I might try keeping his cage in my room for the night. he does need to be able to smell the other rats, and the other rats need to be able to smell him, but maybe he needs my presence too. I can’t expect him to be comfortable when as far as he knows I’m just a stranger that drops in twice a day. 

I hate keeping the rats shut in their room all day. but I just don’t trust the cat. I don’t need him terrorizing them while I’m gone. he knows I hate it when he bats at the cage, but he only stops when he knows I’m mad. he knows I hate it when he paws under the rat room door, but he’ll do it until I whip the door open and come after him; then he bolts. I do miss having the rats in my room. I do feel kind of like I’m missing something without them; when I first moved in I had to move their cage into my room to ease my anxiety. now I’m just sad because there’s so much of their short little lives that I’m missing by keeping them shut away in their room. they get so excited to see me when I come in to let them out for playtime. I’ll kneel outside the cage and micah darts out and immediately jumps in my lap. harper and jasper sometimes will too. I love it but it makes me sad thinking I’m not spending enough time with them. I was thinking maybe I’d make it a habit to pull the cage into my room every night. but that was before I got a cat.

---

bedtime I guess.