#and to tell someone id have to explain everything amd i just cant i cant

[babevevo]

this is gonna be such a bitchy sounding post but I really try so hard all the fucking time to be nice and helpful and for everyone to be as happy as possible and I just feel like I get absolute squat in return lmao

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made. 

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth,  because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth. 

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before. 

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it  on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt. 

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol,  i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk. 

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand. 

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most.  it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him. 

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult. 

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil. 

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention. 

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks. 

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.

[hippywich]

I know that you deserve happiness. And so do I. And I know the happiness between us was something special and rare and pure. Just seeing each others faces made us smile like idiots. Does that only matter to me now?

You dont want to see me anymore. You dont want to call and talk. Reminding you of good things warrants the end of a conversation I was desperately attempting to revive. You dont want to have to explain everything to me thats going on because you're tired and I only want to exist in your life, but how can I when I know nothing?

You make me feel guilty for wanting a sliver of attention. You make me feel guilty for reminding you. You make me feel guilty for wanting anything from you. Conversation. Effort. A selfie. Anything just to feel like you care. And when I ask you shut down or shut me down.

Why is it hard you remember us when all you did that weekend I was there, was remember someone else and just barrage me with it. You make me hate myself for loving you. You looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me. I'm tired of excuses. Im tired of blaming myself for wanting what I deserve. A little respect. A little time not even every day to just talk like friends.

I just want to talk to you. I just want to be there to know you again. I just want to love you and give you what you need but you keep slapping my hand away because anything I have isnt enough or its too much or isnt right.

I dont mind giving. Or waiting. Being patient and understanding. But youre sabotaging me. Youre not going to ever make me stop loving you because its convinient for you or because it would make our lives easier. You didnt stop loving me when it would have been easier for us. Don't you think ive tried? Doesnt that mean anything to you?

You alienated and villanized me and then you turned your switch off and left me in the dust. You promised to tell me if you wanted to move on. You promised to let me know, to give me a chance and that never happened. I was blindsided and cast off literally with no warning for years. And I am STILL here. Why doesnt that mean anything to you? Why don't you trust me?

Why cant you care when im sad and broken? Why cant you care just a little bit. I know you see everything I post and not even an are you okay? Do you hate me? Do you just want to watch me wither away as I bare my soul to you? Why cant I matter to you? Why cant you just let me remember without dropping me into the void of silence. Why can't you just try to let me in so I can be there for you or try to make you smile. Damn. Thats all I want. To make you happy again. I used to be good at it amd now it feels like it was all faked.

I dont want everything. I just want something thats meant for me, something we both know you still have. Not the table scraps of someone else's fuck up. It's not fair.

The world has been awful to you. People have hurt you. But I never left. Not once did I ever cut you out like that, especially not for another person. I never ever chose someone over you. You came in and from then on you had a spot. Your own spot not tarnished or touched by anyone else. You still have that spot. I actively made decisions to choose you. I risked relationships and frienships. I prioritized you on days I never should have and gave you more time than anyone. I never just flipped a switch and threw you away.

So if you could you know, flip that motherfucker back on at some point that would be great. Don't drown in darkness because it's hard or scary. That light still works. I saw it in our small moments. Flickering back to life. I don't want someone elses place. Never have. But if my place could be anywhere but in the trash that would be fantastic.

Stop invalidating me. Stop making me feel like an asshole for doing what you did for years---loving despite all else. Stop hurting me for other peoples choices and mistakes.

Could you please just give me a chance? Please? Could you please let me in?

I love you. And if you love me like you say you do, we will find a way. I will always believe in you. In us. Because I still want to tell you all the good and bad. I want to share all the tiny bits of my life. I want to touch you and kiss you and get emma birthday and holiday gifts and be part of you and your life. I want to laugh and smile and take pictures and go to the zoo. I want to sleep in together without you having to leave. I want to take a bubble bath and swim with you and go on stupid dates. You can be happy. I want to cook you food and make a mess and show you me. I just need a chance.

You loved me even with another. I can too. I will. I want to. But life is short. Lets not waste it now. Lets Stop wasting time especially if you dont have as long. They will come if its meant to be. And id wear a suit or a dress and stand next to you proudly as it happened and hug them tight and love them for loving you.

Please.

[datingadviceonreddit]

So, I met this guy, he's 25 and I'm 19. I met him in my first semester at uni, while he was in his second last. We met in a very absurd way, in which I approached him first as a joke, while I was wearing a jughead crown and asked him (he was just a random person walking past me that time) if he recognised who I was dressed as. I felt oddly attracted to him since that very day. Admited it was also because he is smoking hot and talked liked a proper gentleman. He started greeting me/waving at me every now and then after this and I developed a very, weird odd crush on him. Its difficult to explain. However, I used to linger outside his classes, as I didnt have any other way of seeing him, he barely spent any time in uni. Basically, the probability of him & I ever happening was 0 at that point but I tried. One day I bluntly went up to him and asked him to join me for lunch. He said yes and we spent more than an hour or two together. He asked me how old I was and he was a little caught off track at my age. It has bothered him since. Anywho, a few days later I asked him for his number and he bluntly walked away and said no. So heartbroken I gave up and winter vacations started and I assumed I was over him and that he'd be gone and graduated when I came back. On coming back, I ended up seeing him on the first day. The next day, he approached me and asked me to accompany him to get coffee. Shocked, I said yes. We spent a few 40 or something minutes together and upon asking him why he was hanging out with me, considering he'd just told me he doesnt hang out with people a lot, he said "you're different". Confused but flattered, I was like, alright, I'm just going to go with the flow with this guy. We started hanging out every now and then, and he ended up being in my group of friends' philosophy course. We hung out one on one many times, as friends, a lot. He also ended up drawing me for his art class and while doing so called me beautiful and gave me random compliments. One day while hanging out, he bluntly told me, that he knew I had liked him but we could never be together because of our 6 year age gap and that he'd experienced a lot and to him, I was a kid, but he loved to be friends with me. Broken, I said okay, and we exchanged numbers. Few days passed, he started befriending my friends, and introduced one of his other friends to us. He started hanging out with my group of friends (obviously with me) on a daily and quick enough we became super close, as a group. The only difference was, him & his friend, drank alcohol every now and then and did weed. We didnt, not because we didnt have opportunities, but because we never got into it. This, according to him was a blocking factor between him & I as well. We became super close. One day, he texted me drunk at 2am, followed by different incidents of the sorts. We never confronted these face to face, but my friends started to mention how he might like me as more than just a friend. I didnt exactly believe it, because Im a doubtful human, and his declaration of our age gap being too much. However, one day we were alone, and we started talking and our conversation got sexual. Now, I'm a virgin, and he's been with MANY women in his past. And we got really close until he jumped back and started shaking his head no. This moment, he admitted he has lots of sexual feelings for me, as do I for him. Howver, he doesnt want to have sex with me, because of me being virgin and pure and too young. He said he has to distance himself from me, but I really started liking him, even just as a friend, so I told him that wasnt an option for me. We agreed on being just friends. Things got intense after this, a glimpse, a touch, an excuse for a phone call, friends purposedly leaving us alone, hugs getting longer, hangouts getting longer, and during this time we ended up developing a very strong emotional connection. Our friendship got stronger, as did our feelings for each other. We started hanging out alone, in a seclluded hockey ground where we started off by just chilling, but started lying down together, watching the sky, reading together etc. By now my friends were certain he liked me a lot.A few days later he hung out with another few mutual friends, and they came to me later to tell me that throughout all he talked about, was me, and how Im a beautiful human being and hes never met someone like me etc, and he started texting me asking me why I wouldnt show up at such hangouts.weeks later we ended uo going to a music fest together. And that day, I drank with him for the first time and it was the most beautiful day ever. We danced together, sang together, experienced live music, just generally had tons of fun and we got very intimate. That night while we were sitting together, he kissed my head and bit my cheek randomly. Now I was sure he liked me.Weekend passes, and next week, he becomes distant and a bit off. We hang out, the 'same', except I start resting my head on his shoulder, he starts picking me up, spinning me around and just, getting real close. None of us talks about the weekend until one day we break and he asks me "What are we even doing?" and we get into a heated argument, where he confesses he really wants to ask me out, take me home, lie me down get some wine and just be with me. He ends up saying he doesnt even care about the sex, he just really likes me. But then he says I cant give him what he wants, like being able to spend the night at his place or show up at his place whenever and shit. While, yes I couldnt offer him that right now, it was something I would be able to offer in a while. Then he brought up the whole, he has to graduate and go abroad for 3 months problem. Confused, both of us came to no solution. He suggested we stayed friends until he came back and then tried this out, but then he declared hed hook up with girls in this time and I wasnt okay with that and he understood that. So we came to no conclusion, until I told him we could be just friends, until he came back and he could be with whoever, but then he himself told me he couldnt do that because it would hurt me. A nervous wreck, both of us just went and hung out with the rest of our friends and didnt continue this conversation. Things seemed okay until next Monday he didnt show up to uni and instead asked me to come over to his place. Nervous, I quickly got my things and went over. We started hanging out and just chilling until he started cuddling me and we ended up making out. It got real hit and heavy, clothes off, hands all over and went on for a bit until we stopped. We got high together that day as well and then he took me out on a date to get the best pizza, and we drove around for hours. It was the most beautiful day. We started hooking up almost every other day until one day I thought we'd have sex, but he told me he couldnt do that to me and thats not something we needed to do. We went on dates, he made me breakfast in bed, Id play with his dogs, his house staff recognised me now and people started to see us as a couple. We started dating. Until one day, we stopped. He started ignoring me a bit, I started losing my shit. This went on for a week until I confronted him and he told me we couldnt date. He said he started off thinking we could be just fuck buddies until he realised Im not that girl, and that I was a relationship girl and he would want me to meet his family and stuff, but he couldnt introduce me to them because, I looked TOO young and I made him feel like a kid from school, by having to sneak me in, take me home during daytime and stuff. Hurt, I ended up begging him to not leave. He said he wouldnt, but we'd be just friends. I said alright.Next week, he stops coming to classes, I start hearing about how he's drunk a lot and how hes sick. Worried I start calling him asking him to come to uni and stuff. He delays responses and I panic again. The thing is, we had barely 2 months before he left, and both of us had fallen hard for each other, the problem being, Im anxious as FUCK and he's calm. One day I end up telling him to see me the next day because I HAD to talk to him. We met and I bluntly told him, that we were just friends, I wasnt going to make any move on him now, apologised for coming off all clingy and that what happened, happened. And that Id love to give us a shot later when he returned, but until then, just friends. He calmed down and we went back to being normal. We hung out more and stuff until we, once again started getting physically close again. And now his friends told me how hes never been this way with a girl, and they started recognising me more, and asking me about where he was and stuff as if I was his girlfriend. We started hanging out, getting drunk together again and getting close and personal. He started going back to being a little romantic, and while he tried hiding it, it was obvious. One day we ended getting too close again and not sexually, our closeness just became intimacy. He ended up dropping me home one day and meeting my mom and promising her that he'd come over again and said hed have dinner with my parents before he left. His friends started telling me how Im all hes about and how hes genuinely in love with me and I, with him. We're going through a weird back and forth, where hes telling me hes going to be back in september amd how we should all go on trips together and shit. 2 days pass, and he starts being a little cold again. Everything seems fine, until a few days ago we got too close again and he bluntly says how him & I can never happen. I ask why and he says the age gap is too much. And he doesnt know when or if hes coming back, after when he goes abroad.The thing is, Im very much in love with him and him with me, and hes bluntly declared how he doesnt want any other woman, or hes sick of just sex, and how he doesnt have time for relationships etc, and his friends keep saying how hes too hooked on me to ever be with someone else.How do I deal with this? I have a strange feeling he thinks, I only want him for sex and that he'll never come back and that both of us will never move on and will always want to be with each other, but his age insecurity will hold him back for quiet a while. Im hurt, scared and confused. How do I be patient with him? via /r/dating_advice