#and those moments of understanding g and friendship and love are worth a countless time more than all those failures

[bumblinfool]

Not everyone will understand me and that’s okay. I have been blessed with life and time. The right people will understand.

I’m just as good as anybody, I’m just as bad as anybody. As long as I do my best to be kind, I can trust in the process. Forgive my self and others. Hurt is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to destroy us.

[2centsofsilver]

7/16/17

Major Realizations While High Last Night- Dear Self, You were given the unique opportunity to experience the journey of life for itself; an experimental journey. That’s the intended product in itself. You are on an incessantly driven back-stage path, seeking something you’ve been constantly unable to attain through reaching out to people - both new and old - both friends and professionals, trained to love, trained to help - You have ‘fucked up’ countless friendships just by needing help during times of crises. A close friend recently suggested how fucked up that is in itself- ‘Why is Katie still not getting the help she’s seeking?’ She referenced the Catch 22: Having crisis, reach out to friend for help, too much dependence on friend, friend backs off, this worries Katie, Katie fears abandonment, now Katie is worrying, on top of original crisis, making desperate attempts to save a friendship or relationship, or just digging a very deep hole by constantly trying to ‘fix’ situations that may or may not have happened yet or ended negatively. Now that Katie is working triple time on getting through her crisis, seeking help for her crisis, and desperately trying to save a crumbling friendship, the friend keeps straying, and Katie keeps reaching out for help, still not getting help for original crisis, getting worse and worse, severely depressed and anxious saving a friendship just because she needed emotional support to begin with. She suddenly is conquering multiple heavy battles at once, followed by the inevitable loss of either a very good solid friend, or a potentially good friend, who Katie trusted. While high, you had the unique opportunity to evaluate yourself with precise clarity. For a moment on the kayak in the middle of the lake at night, you sat back and wondered, “What am I seeking exactly?” This was met with very deep and comprehensive internal dialogue between high self, real self, deep self, surface level self, sane self, insane self, etc. You came to the consensus that what you’re seeking is a space needing to be filled: a gratification in some way, but of what? A void, emptiness, hole of isolation needing to be filled, loved, or satisfied. What would/does that satisfaction involve or include? What would qualify, assuming you got it? -Physical contact: A touch, basic hug from a friend, sex, massage, holding of the hand when scared, a pat on the back for doing a good job, physical reassurance, the idea of a friend actually ‘rescuing’ you during an emotional breakdown by holding/soothing you actually happening in real life- actually coming true, not just something you envision and wish for, reinforced by the constant ongoing lack thereof -Real life or written, deep conversation with a close friend (or any person who you feel connected to emotionally; someone you feel similar to or who you can trust); a conversation touching on heavy topics such as purpose of life, fear of death, how to be a person, how to function in society, and verbal reassurance that things will be okay, that you’re okay -People/friends who won’t (don’t want to and have no intentions of) leaving you. Not because you’re desperate and holding on, but because they actually want to get to  know everything you are. A closeness that forms and remains. A reciprocal relationship. Someone willing to commit to kindness and acceptance of you as someone who struggles sometimes with life, especially the social aspects of life. Someone who sees the good in you for MORE than your depression, more than your anxiety, more than your mental health disorders. They see your interests, your passions, your desire to help others in every way you can, your desire to make a true difference in this world and fight for social justice every waking hour, an artist who cares about people and life and abstract concepts and potential, a friend willing to be there for anyone and offer shared support. -Proof that dreams come true and goals can be attained. Seeing progress to foster motivation to keep going. Examples: Fitness/nutrition for the weightloss dream, conquering social phobia, becoming a published author, teaching at the front of a room, dancing, biking, jogging, kayaking, finding and being the TRUE you shamelessly and confidently, swirling in the sunlight like a gypsy with a free soul and spirit. You want proof in some way that you are capable of attaining these things. If you see it working and others are helping you, you are more inclined to continue. -External pride from friends and family; the validation that you are a good person trying hard in this world and conquering obstacles day in and day out. Just someone saying “I’m really proud of you,” means the world. It feels good. The reassurance that you are meeting expectations and doing ok according to… according to what? (Hmm.) This leads me onto the big thoughts and realizations on the lake… I thought to myself, “What are you seeking, Katie?” met with “Gratification” met with “Instant Gratification,” followed by an interesting question I’ve never asked myself before: “Why instant? Why does that gratification need to come immediately?”  This led me down a new train of thoughts involving life as an experience, not a final result I’m trying to get to asap. It led me to thoughts involving friendships taking time to develop. It led me to thoughts on letting go of the fear of abandonment, and instead, letting in the possibility of people really liking you for who you are, mental disorder or no mental disorder. It led me toward an internal battle though, about whether I should continue to expose my mental disorders to people at all, or hide them, in an effort for people to see other parts of me and want to know me because they think those other parts of me are cool and worth it (because I think they are). But the battle is… me firmly believing in reduction of mental health stigma/marginalization, etc. in my passion and line of social work, that fight for justice and understanding and education of mental health, normalizing dialogue, and promoting awareness of diversity. So I don’t actually believe in hiding them and encourage others to open up if they’re comfortable doing so. In other words, I would be betraying what I strongly believe and am working toward for others. Additionally, I argued in my head that good true friends should love me no matter what and that I shouldn’t need to hide my mental health struggles in efforts to make or keep friends. I personally don’t really trust people who say they’ve never experienced anxiety or can’t relate to mental health disorders in any capacity, whether from personal experience or just a core/basic understanding of its common existence. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that. They are rare, but I’ve encountered them. I’m never comfortable and it doesn’t end up working out. So why would I want to conform to someone I personally wouldn’t seek out in a friend? In my head I battled various voices of all the different parts of me mixed with my conscience, which has always sort of stood alone, but been there for me it seems. Bickering thoughts such as, “Just stop opening up to people. No one wants to hear about it. No one appreciates you being so needy. No one actually likes you and you’re a huge failure at life. But you have to be yourself! People will and can like you with or without mental illness. But you also have so many other parts of you. Expose those parts and only those parts. Don’t let anyone see your mental illness ever, especially when you move. You have to make friends. You need to, you want to. BUT THE PROBLEM IS: You fucking STRUGGLE making friends BECAUSE you have social anxiety disorder and depression. These struggles are embedded into your day to day life, choices, behaviors, cognitive processes, social exchanges, goals, and identity searching. Your problems aren’t YOU, but they are a part of you, so zipping your lips and forcing yourself to not show them is not only impossible, but also sheer misery; a real kind of hell, thus fostering continued awful depression.  This entire thought process was happening simultaneously next to me being high on a kayak in the middle of a dark lake at night with 2 new, amazing friends. I kept drifting away and battling poor inhibition control in being able to filter my speech. This is how I described it to G. I woke up in an extremely comfortable bed overlooking the lake and I was subtly crying soft tears.  9:14am “I had a million life realizations and moments when high that made me happy, but I woke up teary eyed and still am. I’m borderline crying if I let myself right now. Life is so hard every single day all day. It’s too hard. Being high, life isn’t hard, it’s easy. People are nice to you and take care of you. And they make sure you’re okay. And if you’re not and you open your mouth and say something neither of you judged me or left. Whereas I’m constantly fucking up everything in my daily life with my friends. Whenever I open my mouth I ruin everything with everyone. No one likes me or wants anything to do with me, but when I was high I felt like it was ok if I was sad or scared and could voice it and it was met with a positive response. That just doesn’t happen in my normal life ever.All I do is annoy everyone and they constantly leave. And it’s also just hard, like life is hard. Like why should I be struggling so much in normal life when I can just glide? It was peaceful on the lake. A happiness I’ve never experienced. Didn’t know it could be that good, and since it can, can’t I just do this all the time to experience the ease and appreciation for it? Like what would really be wrong with that? The only thing is I could easily mess up when high because I found it EXTREMELY hard to hold everything in. I really wanted to just pour everything out but you guys would have thought I was crazy like everyone else in waking life. I felt like I was in heaven and Ferris reminded me of Sunshine. And I felt like even if I died it would be ok since last night I slipped away and things were ok. But now I’m back and it’s too hard. If there’s a way to achieve that level of peace and bliss in regular life, I want in. But I don’t know how to attain that? Is it really a bad problem to have…? Like I get that society says it is and we aren’t supposed to be high all the time, but can’t we just convert the world to be easy like this? Like why aren’t we allowed to. Why are we forced to legit suffer. If life has potential to be easy then why are we like forced to put ourselves through misery day in and day out? I wouldn’t be able to be productive though or even want to be. Like I’m just talking we glide through life without all the stupid shit we have to do. Like why are we expected to do so much shit? I don’t want to go to U of M anymore, I sorta just want to do this. I’m worried I now will want to all the time.” I then went to a fun dog show with G and when I drove back to Kzoo I had more realizations and messaged them to her at 5:17pm. “I feel like I need to be high all the time. Cried on the way home slightly, so many realizations. Like freaking out bad about Ann Arbor and life and friends.” G: “It will be alright. And you shouldn’t. I think if you had done more you might have had more of a panic attack. You were getting kind of melancholy. I can see how you could easily go into panic attack territory if you were with the wrong people.”  Me: “Yeah, I actually was thinking about and analyzing this the entire drive home. It’s just so interesting. I’m curious how I seemed to you guys like how I came off? Was I melancholy more than just towards the end talking about L? I remember that.  The people I did it with in the past I believe were in it for themselves and pissed when they realized it wasn’t gonna be a good time. And didn’t know how to calm me the hell down besides telling me to knock it off which made it worse. I really appreciated and enjoyed doing it with you and J. Like I felt really safe and protected. Like what was I doing and how did I seem? Really really curious if it was how I actually felt. Because I was holding a lot in. It was really interesting, a constant struggle actually. Like I really want to try and explain this to either you or J if you’re open to it, but I don’t want to be annoying.” G: “You seemed slightly on edge for parts of it, but not too bad. Also the only ‘weird’ things you were doing were asking if you were being weird haha, everything else was all in your head :)” Me: “What do you mean by on edge? :Lmao. That’s funny. I kept feeling like I was about to annoy people even if I attempted to speak.” G: “Like on the edge of starting to panic. I know what you mean. The worst part about that is worrying too much about being annoying ends up being more annoying than just talking haha. I have totally been there.” Me: “But I had no control/ability to not want to say things. Like I kept having really fucking strong ass urges to talk a LOT. But I kept telling myself, ‘If you do that, you will lose friends because no one wants to hear about the shit you have to say or they’ll think you’re worth less’ and every single time I had something to say/wanted to say something.. it was something driven by panic. Like every single time and it was a constant need to talk. And I’m shocked that I was able to completely zip my lips and not let myself talk because that is so hard to do when I’m high. But I knew the type of things I’d start doing and saying. I have a tendency to always vocalize how I’m feeling about shit and I really wanted to vocalize things happening in my head or all around me or what I was scared ofbecause I totally was scared. But anytime I started talking, I immediately sounded like I was someone no one would ever want anything to do with. And time felt off, like really strange. So I had no idea how long I’d been talking about or thinking about any one thing. And I also didn’t know what I was doing a lot of the time. Like I felt aware, but also felt dead? Or completely out of it? So I was never sure what I was doing and was scared I’d intentionally go drown myselfbecause I accidentally didn’t know what the hell was happening.  So if I opened my mouth to talk about something, I had no idea if you wanted to even hear about it, how long I’d been talking about it, whether I was decreasing the chances of holding you as friends, because I wasn’t sure if I’d been doing it for hours or a normal amount of time or not at all. And in my head I just kept 

Continue quoting Talk ABOUT night & being accepted. Simultaneously happening next to me drifting Zipping lips Back to point: seeking What you seek is seeking you.