#and this type of introspective angst is what the type of writing i tend to be good at

[air--so--sweet]

Read this post by @buddiex911 and ended up writing whatever this is in my notes app. In case it's doesn't come across it's not that Eddie's just unbelievably oblivious, he's just in that place where he's on the cusp of realising something that his brain has tried to hide from him for a long time and the feelings related to that are coming to the surface, but the reason for those feelings is still hidden (me projecting my own experiences onto my blorbos? Never!) Will I spin this into something longer so we get the actual feelings realisation and not just a pile of introspection and angst? Maybe. My track record would suggest otherwise but I've been writing more in general of late so you never know...

He hasnt been sleeping lately. Isn't able to. It's not like when worked at dispatch. When he lay awake at night staring at the ceiling while the dissatisfaction with his life ate away at him, at his carefully crafted veneer, exposing all the pain and hurt and trauma that he had claimed to have brushed off, that he had instead buried deep inside himself and pretended wasnt there.

It's different this time because Eddie actually understands his emotions now. Allows himself to actually feel his emotions now. And what he feels is sad. Incredibly, desperately and overwhelmingly sad. He just doesn't know why. He has Chris back, not only back in his life, but back under the same roof as him. That roof is in El Paso, but rebuilding his relationship with his son is worth the sacrifice of his life in LA. He misses it, and he talks about missing it a lot in therapy, talks about allowing himself to grieve that life. That's not why can't he can't sleep though. It isn't what's keeping him awake at night. Eddie can't sleep because when he lies alone in the dark, when Chris is asleep and the house is silent, he feels like something is missing, something vital. He just doesn't know what. Crying doesn't come easily for Eddie. Even on the rare occasion when he wants to he normally can't. He suppressed his tears so many times his body thinks that's what it's supposed to do. He can only think of one time before this when he really, fully cried as an an adult and that had felt more like he had no choice, like pressure had been building inside him for so long he had to release it somehow or Eddie himself would combust. Even then he had released most of that pressure by taking a baseball bat to everything in his bedroom. Now though his chest aches so profoundly and overwhelmingly with sadness and loss that it feels like there is nothing he can do but cry. He is so overcome that all he can do is sit out on the porch, so Christopher won't overhear him, and let himself shake with the force of his sobbing, without knowing why. How did he lose something that was so fundamental in his life that he feels like part of himself is missing and not know what it is that he's lost? How was he so unaware of what it meant to him that he didn't even register that it would be a loss until after it had already happened? At some point he made a terrible mistake, but he doesn't know what it was and so he can't make it right. There is nothing he can do but sit in the cool night air and cry until his head throbs, and his eyes sting and his throat feels raw. And still his chest aches. When he finally passes out from exhaustion he dreams the same dream he does every night. He won't remember it in morning beyond a vague sense of dread. Still unable to face it. He dreams that it's the day he left LA. He gets in his truck and pulls out from the curb while Buck stands in the rain and waves as he drives away. Eddie watches him in his rearview mirror becoming smaller and smaller as he gets further and further away. Watches until he's just a speck in the distance. Watches until he can't see him at all anymore. Watches until he's gone from Eddie's life. His entire body screams at him to stop, to turn around, to go back, this is a mistake, he's making a mistake, he needs to stop this right now! And he tries to, tries to slam on the brake, to wrench the wheel, to do something, why isn't he doing anything?! But it's just a memory. This has already happened so he can't can't change anything. All he can do is watch it play out the way it did that day. Watch as he keeps on driving, unaware that he's breaking his heart in the process.

[gcldfanged]

NAME?: King_Kkeungi, Kkeungi, or Soda- If you've been around for the past 700 years...

PRONOUNS?: He/Him mainly, still trying to get used to They/Them over time. I identify as AFAB Transmasculine, but also very GNC.

MOST ACTIVE MUSES?: Jae (you are here!), also a shitload of others because I am literally insane.

EXPERIENCE/HOW MANY YEARS? Uhh, like back when AOL was still fucking dial-up. Shove that into your calculator, proceed to jaw-drop, and demand 'why would anyone put themselves through that, though'.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?: In order of what I write the most: Angst, Smut, Fluff.

Angst is my bread and butter- We do love the bitter hardships, because a lot of personal growth and the potential for self-reflection.

Smut is usually me having no fucking clue what I'm doing, other than trying NOT to sound totally BORING for my poor writing partner.

Fluff is something that I normally get bored by, but I'm starting to appreciate more moments of Fluff and Domestic/Slice of Life content thanks to Oni?

I think the reason why the 'Second Chances' AU hits so differently is because our muses both didn't really experience a 'normal' upbringing nor childhood, so they're super motivated to allow this poor clone to just BE A CHILD and ENJOY LIFE and DEVELOP HIS OWN PERSONALITY. So, all of these seemingly minor and 'every day' occurrences and family-centered events aren't even things that Sephiroth and Jae-hyo have experienced in the past, like ever. And it's so far from perfect- They have no idea what they're doing, they both are better at killing people and being walking weapons than being like, emotionally attuned to a fearful child in a completely foreign environment. They're learning a ton of practical things, but they're also learning more about each other as individuals on an emotional level, which is really important development for them.

Anyway- Any of these three thread types can work for me, but obviously I am super into plotting and long-term exploration of our inter-muse dynamics!

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?: It honestly depends on how my muse responds to my partner's replies- But I tend to go overboard and focus way too much on introspection that my poor mutuals can't even respond to in-character... so I'm trying to work on that!

PET PEEVES?:

Being a jerk about tagging- It takes like 2 seconds? Even if I DON'T think my mutuals might be triggered, I still tag heavy subjects out of common courtesy. I don't need some random internet troll telling me I'm a 'widdle babey who can't handle real fucking life!11' just because they hate mentally ill people and are lazy. I have survived so much 'real life' shit that they would struggle handling like an adult?

Rules pages that are rude and worded super aggressively. Chill out. We've all had bad experiences, I don't turn around and decide to be a literal asshole to complete strangers who are simply interested in my writing.

Vagueing and Passive-Aggressive behavior. You don't like smut? Blacklist the tag for people's NSFW content. Making a post in public and outright shaming people who are supposed to be your friends just because you personally aren't comfortable with sexual topics is way out of line. Also, we've all been browbeaten into ONLY posting smut on Sunday for ya'll, what more do you want to enforce on other people's blogs?

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE?: All of my muses have some facet of their personalities that I generally base off of my personal experiences, but also I try to build each muse up with a strong sense of realism and do a ton of scholarly research in areas that I feel I am NOT well versed in.

Jae is probably the most... emotionally personal muse I have simply because I am actively exploring very serious and heavy themes with him that I myself have survived/been a victim of, in the past. It's a safe way for me to kind of explore said events in a more objective and rational fashion, rather than rehashing specific memories that can be extremely upsetting and makes trying to be kinder to myself incredibly difficult.

He is not a self-insert, though (not that I personally see anything wrong with self-inserts in fics or 'fan-geared content', but I also do not think it's a good nor healthy idea to roleplay yourself in an RPC). He's a character that was first birthed out of spite towards someone on my dashboard (via my Genesis blog) who was complaining about 'overpowered OCs' and claiming that there are 'too many SOLDIER OCs' and that the 'few Turk OCs are all lame yakuza wannabees and they suck'. Like, what fucking game did you play, fool? I swear to God, being exposed to all these cold-ass, rancid fucking takes from the general fandom side of the community has really soured my experience in the RPC as a whole.

TIME TO WRITE?: Morning is usually better for me, right after my medication kicks in. But it's also dependent on who I am talking to and how excited we both are for the threads/plotting.

TAGGED BY: @stupidiinspades/ @endlcssdreamiing / @endlcssdesiire TAGGING: @nightiingaled, @sadistpet, @inspiirefear, @wayan9an, @bukkuobujiendo, @serandipity, @agloryofuniicorns, @ilbound, @tredispade, @annjiru

[aurorahrt]

fanfic writer interview!

thank you to the lovely @monkey-banana41 for the tag <33 almost cried at my pc anyway weeeee

How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 34! they were all posted this year, and 32 of them are sskk or sskk-centric... i might be crazy

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

i rarely check this one but it actually surprised me a little bit :3 they are, of course, all sskk :D

lasting until the next time - explicit | 39.4k | 31 chapters my kinktober for 2024! i wanted to write something that had a "developing relationship" type of plot, but also featured an nsfw scene for (most of) the chapters! it's set two years into the future, after everything is cleared up and sskk reunite for the first time in a while.

two flints make a fire - explicit | 24.5k | 10 chapters originally started as a rivals-with-benefits smut shot after i watched dead apple three times in one weekend, but turned into 10 chapters of somewhat canon compliant sskk porn, basically!

skin to skin - teen | 18.1k | one-shot this was the first fic i posted in march! an sskk ability swap fic where they learn to understand each other whilst trying to get their abilities back, set after the decay of the angels saga. lots of fluff, a little bit of angst and a slightly-unhinged atsushi!

inevitable dwindling; awakening metempsychosis - teen | 17.2k | one-shot i'm so glad this is up here because this is my favourite thing i have ever written. an sskk fic around the six month promise and how that might happen, which turns into an accidental-roommate-situation and a lot of overthinking! essentially one big akutagawa character study that i did after rewatching bsd in the summer.

from duality to singularity - mature | 10.8k | one-shot a post-beast au where atsushi joins the ADA and sskk basically hate each other until they love each other. it's part of twin flames, which is an entire world where beast sskk and canon sskk meet and learn a lot of things about each other!

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

absolutely yes, whenever i can find the time. i love talking about my projects, and comments are always the best place for it. for me, if someone enjoyed my fic enough to comment, i want to reciprocate that gratitude and energy :D

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

ehe... well i think we all know the answer to this one, but definitely a hope to return, as it's literally canon-ish mcd. i also think i should give an honourable mention to double edged blade, which is just my personal headcanons on tachihara's back story up until chapter 90.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

i tend to write with more ambiguous endings. to me, sskk are a pairing where they still kind of hate themselves and need a lot more time than just a silly mega one-shot where they get together to heal. i think the to transmogrify a hound series (especially home comforts) are quite cathartic, and that makes ME happy...

Do you write crossovers?

no, i don't think i will either! canon is my playground :D

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not yet... hopefully never...

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes i do! it really depends. i've written pure nasty nothing smut, but introspective smut is my favourite to write.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

other than when a bot sniped the whole of ao3, i have had a few snippets/plot stolen in a fic i saw once, but i just kind of let it slide and took it as a compliment

Have you ever had a fic translated?

no :)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but watch this space............... /threat

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

i think it's pretty obvious that it's sskk for me. i'm hoping to branch out into other ships i like for 2025!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i currently have a spreadsheet of 15 wips that i stare at blankly then start something new. one of the wips i have that i don't think i'll ever share is a rewrite of an au that i published before 'auroraheart' was born. i always think of a good time to post it, then change my mind!

What are your writing strengths?

i guess i understand the characters i write pretty well, and even though i have my own characterisation, people seem to like it and/or think it's pretty close to canon! i'm definitely good at introspective fics, or character studies, and i think i make pieces transition really well from different scenes!

What are your writing weaknesses?

i do not branch out from what is comfortable, and when i do, i really overthink it. i would like to test that in the new year, because i've never really attempted 'world building' and i would love to try.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it depends on the context, but i tend to not do it.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

so many... i'm going to hopefully start posting for sgdlr soon! i also want to branch into more bsd ships i enjoy, like tachihigugin (and any variation of the three), sigzai, suegiku, odango, etc... which is part of my new year goals :D

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

i've already mentioned id;am and deb, so i think i will use this space to say checkmate! it's one of my lesser known fics, but it was hard to write and i'm very proud of it :3

tagging: @acreeperinawhitevan, @doctorweebmd, @heartless-cur, @spliqi & @frankenjoly <3 (feel free not to do of course)

[builder051]

Whumpmas in July 2024 day 2: Favorite whump tropes

I have to confess… I am not a big fan of tropes in general.

I’m much more interested in the tags, such as emeto, angst, flashbacks, night terrors, passing out… that sort of stuff. I like a story to have individual instances of my favorite types of whump and not necessarily a predictable plot.

I don’t love many of the old tropey faves, like “X gets a cold from being out in the rain,” or “X gets nauseated at an amusement park,” or “X is sick and Y takes care of them.”

I also tend to dislike fluff. I like focusing on the whumping action instead of the caretaking/getting better. It’s totally a personal thing. I don’t really like denouements in any media. I’ll stop reading a book once it’s clear everyone will live happily ever after, or I’ll turn off a show once the murderer is caught. I don’t think wrapping up all the last threads is important in every piece. In some instances, what comes next is thoroughly documented in the canon (I love “deleted scene” stories or elaborating on a whumpy moment in a movie.) At other times, the threads can trail and leave what comes next up to the reader.

I prefer realistic prompts, and I tend to write a lot of introspection. I love adapting stories from real-life scenarios. DD and I challenge each other all the time when we experience something weird; we’re like, “OMG, what would Bucky do if that happened to him?” (Recently we sat in traffic at a police-blocked intersection because a guy was running around and throwing rocks and dirt at the officers— look for a story about that soon. I feel like Buck would empathize with both sides and ponder his experiences as both a soldier and a person with a mental illness.)

When I was first starting out back in 2017, I wrote tons of trope-based prompts. I think they’re very useful for beginner authors; it’s much easier to follow something prescriptive for the plot so character development can be built up. Also, it’s always been my policy to balance my content between what I want to write and what my audience wants to read. Some tropes are really popular, and I get a lot of asks where someone says, “I really liked story XYZ; can you write another one on that topic?” I’ve treated some individual tropes many times over (especially X has a migraine, etc.). Definitely check my archive if you’re looking for a specific storyline; I swear I’ve done them all (except a few things I’ve blacklisted—I will not do anything with stuffing, being sporadically sick after overeating, or sickness as any kind of fetish).

So, to end off, I’ll finally answer the question. What do I like?

Angst with emeto.

Angst with whumpy introspection (“His stomach churns as he remembers XYZ…”)

Exploration of explicit content/trauma in content based in angst or illness (like a night terror or the aftermath of an abusive situation—I venture into the deep and the dark sometimes; I always post warnings at the top of the post).

Unfortunate consequences (usually with substance use).

Wow, I’m talkative. (Sorry). Everybody ok? We’re good?

That’s Laur, signing off. :)

[aethergate]

GET TO KNOW ME MEME !

NAME ; leggo :] PRONOUNS ; she/they !!! SEXUALITY ; lesbian.

THREE FACTS

— I have a brown and black tabby named Ringo ! — I have a sizeable collection of earrings, my favorite of which are my worms on a string. — I'm currently duel wielding reading through the picture of dorian grey and i'm glad my mom died !

EXPERIENCE

HOW LONG ; uhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's had to have been at least 7 years. maybe more. we aren't counting warrior cats larping. WHAT PLATFORMS ; well i started out on discord in a few servers, and then I moved onto twitter for quite a few years, and now I've moved to tumblr ! sometimes i'll still do discord writing, but my attention span just isn't good enough for it. you can certainly ask though ! BEST EXPERIENCE ; tumblr for sure. I've had some really good experiences on twitter, yeah, but good lord it was insanity. so glad there's not nearly as much drama here.

MUSE TYPE

MALE OR FEMALE ; uhhh unfortunately my muse type tends to veer towards male more, but like. that's not even an active choice there's like a million female characters i enjoy deeply it's just the male ones happen to get the specific character troupes i really enjoy. FLUFF OR ANGST ; i removed the smut option just cause i don't have much to say there?? other than i'll just pass cause i feel like writing that would make me cringe into my skin personally lmao. fluff or angst however.. i do have a lot of fun writing angst cause my muses suffer frequently and i enjoy writing them doing so, but fluff is fun too!! i also like seeing them have a good time afterwards and not just be in a torment nexus 24/7. PLOTS OR MEMES ; memes are usually easier for me just cause they'll be right there in my askbox and i can get to them wherever and winging it is quite fun, but it's fun to preplan stuff too! LONG OR SHORT REPLIES ; i usually do a medium length to longer, just because i have a lot of thoughts and character introspection while writing. BEST TIME TO WRITE ; you see my schedule is dogshit so generally it's just whenever i get around to it. usually weekdays though, since my weekends are busy with work. ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES ; uh. a few of em probably! i couldn't tell you which though. Luka's probably got a piece of my soul in him, but idk if he's like me at all. All the ones i connect the most to are on my sideblogs, mostly Starscream, Anakin, and Sonic. Take that as you will.

TAGGED BY ; @aethramusings ! TAGGING ; you !! steal it NYOW

[emanation-aura]

Weird questions for writers, 19 and 38!

This is a response to this post about questions for writers!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Wow, so uh. Maybe this is a common origin story for writers my age, but I started out on Wattpad? It must have been about 2014-15 or so when I began; I have vivid memories of hopping off a flight and impatiently waiting to be driven home after vacation so that I could use my iPad to type the next chapter to my fic there, haha.

I started writing Pokemon fic, specifically of the X&Y Pokemon anime. I dunno if people here know this, but there used to be a fic genre there called "Ash gets betrayed by his friends" that was super popular, and I wrote a version of that too— it was my first fic (I named it "Heartbroken") and I made so many poor and melodramatic choices with it, but also i look back on it fondly. Some of the stylistic choices there survive in my writing there. Apart from that fic, I also wrote stuff for Star Wars Rebels, Percy Jackson, and Ranger's Apprentice (so typical YA stuff).

Why I started... well that's kind of difficult to answer, because I honestly I don't know. But it may have to do with that spidey-writing sense I get sometimes when reading or engaging with fiction, the desire for a story out of what I know.

There were a couple of major "incidents" that spurred me on the path of the fic writer: one was reading this AoT fic (tw graphic self-harm) and this Maze Runner fic (tw grief, suicide, psychological torture). Ok maybe this sounds bad on the surface but I am legitimately convinced that reading these at a young age made my writing style what it is today: a bit purple-prose-ish, slow and contemplative, chock-full of emotion and introspection, always, somehow, sad or angsty. (and they end up touching on the topics mentioned above, although most of the ones that do I don't publish.)

As for closer to the present... well, I really hit the ground running when I started writing Genshin fic. It's pretty much the beginning of my "modern style" (or stuff that I can read back through without cringing), and I want to keep developing that: writing sadness and grief and pain is deeply cathartic to me, and outside of lore studies, those are what I will be focusing on in the future. (...currently staring at the inordinate number of angst WIPs I have.)

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

In all honesty, most of my fic is kind-of vent fic, just more verbose and coherent that what the name 'vent-fic' tends to evoke. I need to be in a really specific kind of mood to write angst/hurt/comfort (my staple), and for a long period of time, I was perpetually in that state, which made creating... not easier, maybe, but something else that spurred it on. I'm not like that now, but the emotional intensity needed to create and convey hasn't left me, either.

Putting it this way: i need to find or set myself into a Mood(tm) to find my creative juices. It's weird because I can and do write when I'm mentally fine, but sometimes the low mood makes things sharper and easier to convey. These days, I usually put on music to do this: not just any generic songs I like but specifically stuff I've curated from listening non-stop 1000s of times before I keep it on the "dopamine injection" playlist. Stuff like that speaks to me in ways that makes me feel probably far too much, and it puts me in the right (or wrong, I guess?) state of mind to pour emotion onto the page. Cause thats what it is for me: if I don't feel emotionally destroyed by what I'm writing then what even is the point?

In lighter terms: anybody is free to ask stuff in general, not just from the question list, in my askbox whenever. Please. I love talking about writing (why write when I can talk about writing)

[gumpistol]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

name — lala! (or luka, we're trying this one out)

pronouns — they/them

preferred comms — definitely discord, i have a thing where if i open a message and don't immediately respond in tumblr dms, i tend to forget about it. it's the adhd "out of sight out of mind" thing. but on discord i can mark things as unread and then everybody from all my blogs is one place too.

name of muse — his name is monkey d. luffy, and he's going to become king of the pirates!!!

experience in RP — oh geez, like 10+ years? surprisingly mostly on tumblr, but before this blog i was taking a break and exclusively on discord for ~2 years

best experiences — honestly? the best experience i've had so far has actually been the OP rp community. i've been in a lot of fandoms, but i've never felt so completely welcomed as a new writer in the fandom. the dash commentary shenanigans and the willingness to just drop into inboxes on a whim with unprompted stuff is honestly a lot of fun! i'm really happy this is the community experience i get to have on my return to tumblr

pet peeves / dealbreakers — i have 2 big ones: (1) guilt tripping me into replies or worse, ships. this is the easiest way to piss me off and will likely end up in the exact opposite of what the person wants happening. (2) genderbent characters; it's almost 2024 so i'm baffled i have to say this, but if you don't know why these depictions are harmful, this post does a nice job of putting it into words. anyway, genderbends will get a quick block from me.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — well i tend to write a lot of cheery, silly stuff as is the nature for luffy, but also because that comes to me the easiest sometimes. but i really love angst and hurt/comfort type stuff. like yes, i want the angst, but please let me have a comforting resolution for them as well. angst and drama with a sprinkle of fluff. on that note, i also just enjoy writing luffy being silly and unhinged, because it makes people smile and laugh and you all deserve a little bit of that each day.

plot or memes — either really! i think memes are a great way to both start interactions, but also keep plotted things going. that being said, i love plotting with people and fleshing out the dynamics of our characters, and a lot of the time i have ideas to share. so i like both!

long or short replies — i am a sucker for longer replies. while not a lot of it is introspection for luffy, he is an active character with ever changing expressions and actions that he's doing. i also really love imagery and describing scenes, so that gets put into his writing sometimes as well. in the stuff where i do explore his emotions and vulnerability, i also can't do that in a short thread because there needs to be context, so i will write as much as needed to do that side of him justice. that being said, i also enjoy short things too! the silly short things are my go to when my brain isn't braining.

best time to write — usually weekends, because i can take my adderall and sit down and get a lot of stuff written

are you like your muse — despite being a lot more introverted, i do think i share some similarities with luffy. we both really like to keep things silly, but can get very serious and passionate when it comes to protecting our friends or just people in general. like him, i also have a lot of love to give to people and i really enjoy making new friends (when i have the energy). uh what else...we're both eager to fight, but in a love punch/wrestle kind of way. and i too have nearly drowned in an ocean on multiple occasions.

tagged by: @celestiialnotes & @rubctosis & @enjomo (just gonna tag you here :D)

tagging: if you're seeing this and haven't done it yet because i don't know who has and hasn't been tagged, YOU! (and then say i tagged you hehe)

[fyrewalks]

GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

respond to the following prompts out of character. then, tag 9 others that you'd like to get to know a little bit better.

ROLEPLAYER NAME: oliver

ROLEPLAYER PRONOUNS: they/them

MUSE NAME: too many to list lol

PREFERRED COMMUNICATION: disco please

EXPERIENCE: on and off since hs so way too long

PREFERRED ROLEPLAY TYPE: some plotting gets me excited for nearly any kind of thread, but i love angst, hurt/comfort, ships, and anything introspective/character driven.

PET PEEVES & DEALBREAKERS: general rpc no no's and too much negativity

PLOTS OR MEMES: both! plotting or just generally talking about our muses is what keeps me interested

LONG REPLIES OR SHORT REPLIES: usually paras, but i do like to mix it up to keep from burning out. again, this is where plotting/chatting is key.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: afternoonish, early evening depending on my schedule but never before 12 or after 7

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE:⠀idk sometimes? i think it's more there are qualities and characters that i tend to go to over others. i love seeing how my muses connect with similar theming. tagged by: stolen from the dash! tagging: mwuah, you the cutie on the dash reading this!!

[tecnestheim962]

Oh don’t worry I had like a whole fanfiction play out in my head based off of what you asked and I wanted to write it out, which is originally why I saved it in my drafts to eventually reply to with it, but then I forgot about it and started writing another fic which is turning out to be monstrously long due to my inability to not explore characters because introspection and the complexity of thought and action and feelings gets me going in a way nothing else can sooooo, basically I shortened it to yes angst, but I want my children to be happy so I’m skipping that this time.

Essentially, the difference between a long fic and a short fic, and while I’d love to write a short fic and those definitely can have hefty angst, one shots tend to be cute and simple and happy. Honestly I’m just rambling at this point but hey you might possibly get it.

I dunno at this point. But I will have you know, angst is probably what makes me love these two so much, because it’s through their suffering that they draw their bond, and the cuteness and fun are established from that deeper connection and their continued suffering because crwby just loves to torture them (figuratively, literally, psychologically and PHYSICALLY MY POOR BOY) is what allows for them to grow closer, not for the sake of romance but because of the safety they find within each other in that they both have the weight of the world on their shoulders in different capacities yet also very much the same.

It’s the power that empathy has, people so different who share a moment of empathy with each other are able to step back and have a more meaningful understanding of the other person. You see them for more than their differences and outside portrayals and grow intrigued of the person hiding beneath. And empathy shows itself best in times of loss and pain, which is why I’m so excited for the inevitable suffering that will come in v10.

Like yea my heart will be breaking a million times over, but they’ll come out of it with a better understanding of themselves and each other and that’s what I find so beautiful about the particular type of angst these two go through.

This has turned into a ramble fest that no one signed up for but it’s finnnneeee

hey imagine oscar in vacuo, knee deep in grim, fighting for his life, yet terrifyingly competent as he lets hundreds of years of experience wash over him And in the midst of this, we see his green eyes, lost and mournful. Knowing that if he wants to live, hes going to have to die a little every day. after every battle, hes different, hes not always sure how... but he knows, they know.... wouldnt that be fucked up or what

Sorry this took so long to reply to! I saved this reply in my drafts and kinda forgot about it but here’s my initial reaction:

Bruh.

So did you just wake up this morning and choose violence?

Oh but the angst…

Also I saw your ask about the Rosegarden twist, and I don’t know if you meant it in a happy or sad way, but because I said so, I’m interpreting it as happy.

[radiowallet]

Home

Summary: Joel is shocked her words hurt as much as they do. Pairing: Joel Miller x Tess WC: 733 Warnings: 18+MDNI, Grief, child loss, descriptions of blood and wounds. Canonical type violence. A lot of purple prose. Angst. Character introspection out the wazoo. A/N: I don't know guys. I watch the episode. I journal. It's always a mess. I hit post. Honestly, I'm sorry.

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Gif by @viktorhargreeves

-----

That’s not my fucking home.

Joel is shocked her words hurt as much as they do. How deep they cut. They tear through blood and bone, carving out a space beneath his ribs where his heart still beats despite all efforts. He could have disagreed, denied, refused. But the damage was done. The pain was real.

When had her words become stronger than bullets? Sharper than steel? The horrid crack of fists against flesh? 

Was it before? Before all of this? Before truck batteries and ration cards and fireflies? Lost in the dark of that shitty apartment, cramped bodies and tangled limbs on a mattress not nearly big enough for two? Two people, trying to survive together but somehow apart? Tending wounds and sharing jokes; crapshoot whiskey passed back and forth as battle scars were spared in the smallest of increments. 

Or maybe it had happened in between. Lost in the sparse few moments where hope seemed like a plausible option. Not one he had been ready to entertain just yet, but an idea. One he could ruminate on when everything inevitably went to shit. Something to help sleep come a little easier, when the liquor ran dry and the oxy ran low.

Or had it been quicker than that? A flash and a crack, the site of her molted skin fused into his memory. Putrid shades of ultraviolet red spreading faster than it had any right. A ticking watch, meticulous and cruel, as it steadily took one more thing away from him.

He knows though, that it’s always been there. That potential for crudeness, that risk of pain, the fear of loss. It’s all too tight, a twenty year old memory sinking its teeth in him, blood stuck to his hands, soaked into this shirt, caked beneath his fingernails. He carries it with him, the weight of his daughter painted across his body, his arms so pathetically empty, her blood drying on his skin. 

He can feel it now. He always has and no matter how hard he scrubs, the stain is still there. The weight hangs heavy, too heavy, for something so distant. Yet there are days, more and more and more, he wishes he could look down at his hands, weathered and beaten and so very empty, and still see that sucky shock of black and red. 

He would beg for it if he had the words. 

Tess keeps talking. Of time, of the future, somehow hopeful in the face of her own shortcomings. Death waits at her door as she pushes away the man she refuses to call home, one single request parting her lips. She asks him one thing. This one thing and all he can say is no. 

No. 

He can’t be asked to do this again. To lose someone to this thing, this nightmare. Monsters in the night, shadows of horrors he can’t control. The kind that peel away his flesh and fill him with dread, with only his guilt to keep him company in that shitty apartment, on that tiny bed. 

Joel feels his lip tremble, his hands shake. Does he lean in? Step back? Does he run? Should he stay? 

There’s only one answer. One. 

And it still feels wrong. 

Or is it just that nothing can ever be right? 

There are no goodbyes. No confessions. Later Joel will say there was no time. The lie no worse than the truth; he didn’t have the words. Not then, not now. And as he ran, faster, faster still, Ellie at his heels and smoke in his lungs, he wonders what the price will be this time around. 

There’s no blood dripping down his arms. No marks to wear. No weight to carry. No stains to scrub clean. All he has are her words - cruel in the name of honesty - and in that moment he failed her. He flinched, in the face of her pain, at the beck of her call, refusing to say the thing he knew she could never ask. 

And so he plays them again and again. A staccato in his head, loud and sharp between his eardrums. He flinches every time, his eyes dry and his heart hard, testing the weight of those words on the breadth of his shoulders. Would he carry them for 20 years? One more scar, another stain? Is he strong enough for one more truth? One more failure?

She says it again. 

Home. 

It wasn’t hers. 

Joel wished he had disagreed. 

[broadwayandnetflix]

i have a request for bo burnham!!:) maybe like the reader and bo watch the special when he gets done editing it and doing all the other stuff he has to do for it, and he records her reaction to the whole thing and that’s how he announces the special?? i know that’s weird but it’s been stuck in my head, so you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to!

Test Run - Bo Burnham x Reader

Warnings: Language

Theme: FLUFF (angst if you like squint)

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: y’all I wrote this so fast, like kachow. I hope you enjoyed it, and got a break from all of the angst. but angst is still good. but this fic is not me fangirling over inside. never, couldn’t be me. I hope you enjoyed the fic though @bos-a-feminist I had sm fun writing it.

It had been late one evening when Bo had practically burst into the door of your bedroom. You sat puzzled as you gave the man time to catch his breath, as he gave you an eager look.

Trying not to giggle as Bruce yipped at Bo’s feet in pure excitement, it seemed he too was trying to figure out what was going on.

“What? Are we finally gonna have sex again?” you say humorously, causing the man to break composure for just a second.

“No! I mean what the fuck? Yes, yes, and to answer your question, yes. But not right now.”

You giggle as he looks at you with an expression you couldn’t fully decipher. In any constellation, it had been months since you had seen the man this energetic.

Usually, when Bo would come back from his long days in the guest house, he’d tend to be exhausted. Often just giving you a quick kiss before collapsing onto the mattress.

His blue eyes softening towards you as he extends his hand for you to take. Which made you realize that there was an ounce of seriousness in his actions.

Your hands fitting perfectly in his as he pulls you up from the bed, one hand making sure to hold the small of your back.

“Where are we going?” you breathe out.

Bo remained silent, but you found out soon enough as he led you outside to the guest house.

You had stopped dead in your tracks, causing him to do the same. Eyes widening as you realized what was gonna happen, turning to Bo and giving him the biggest grin you could muster.

From the minute he had set foot in the guest house to begin his special, he had been very secretive about it. Something about how it helped him to create something that no one really knew about.

I mean, you had some idea when the UPS trucks kept delivering camera equipment. Or when he had asked if he could take some of your clothes. Other than that, though, top secret.

It had been about roughly a little over a year when he had started the special. A year of emotions and hard work, and by the looks of it.

It seemed as though he had finished.

“Wait are you doing what I think you are doing?” you say, looking at him expectedly.

“Shit babe you catch on quick. Yes, if we are on the same mindset. I think we are, now hush, or I’ll never get to show you it.” Bo instructs before leading you inside.

In all honesty, you didn’t know what to expect. The last time you had seen the guest house had been roughly two years ago. Now? It looked completely different.

Wires and different camera equipment lay waste on the floor, making it almost a hazard. Other lights of various types and sizes filled the room like mini metal trees. It looked disorganized and yet organized at the same time.

Yet Bo walked through the maze of equipment with ease, almost as if it wasn’t even there. You smiled before tiptoeing to the clearing that Bo had made for you.

“Yeah apologies, I wasn’t expecting company.” Bo smirks as you break into laughter.

“It looks…well it looks well used.” you reply, getting comfortable on the chair he had provided.

In front of you sat a projection on the wall of what seemed to be an editing software. You looked back at Bo with an eager grin; he gives you a slight wink.

Anticipation settling in the air as you watched him mess around with the monitor. Until his cursor finally presses on a folder and a video screen pulls up.

You half expected him to sit beside you. Still, instead, he remains behind the computer, amongst his sea of technological instruments and cameras.

“Y/N, I’m showing this to you. Simply because you deserve to see why I’ve been so busy for like a year or more. Plus, you mean the world to me and I wanna know your input.”

Bo says softly. You can detect a hint of nerves in his actions and tone; you practically melt, realizing that was he anxious. Regardless you knew without a shadow of a doubt you were gonna love whatever he puts out.

You open your mouth to reply before he presses play, and an eerie ringing fills the room. Music filling your senses as the special, titled Inside, plays before you.

The next hour or two fills you with a multitude of emotions that you can’t quite place. It seemed like Bo was making you laugh seconds ago, and now you can’t help but feel tears well up in your eyes.

Cinematically it was stunning, breathtaking even. It was hard to believe that Bo had turned the little guest house into a studio. Or at least to the extent that it became, with its gorgeous displays and production.

Performance-wise, it was a completely different ballpark. Bo fucking delivered in more ways than one, whether in humor or just pure raw emotion.

Acting or not, it broke your heart to see the man you loved so dearly in the state that he was in. Of course, you could tell something was up even then when he was filming, but he never gave away the extent of it.

Just hearing him cry made your stomach twist in knots; you wanted to comfort him. Only to be reminded that it was just merely a video of him.

Even at the moment, it took you everything not to look back at Bo; you knew how much he valued your attention. Plus, you wanted to experience the special in full, just as you would if he were on stage.

The special wasn’t the same as his others, but it was well needed for a time like this. It felt personal and introspective, but it was also oh so clever and in-depth. You adored it and the time and effort that he had put into it.

As the credits rolled out and you saw an acknowledgment for your name, your heart soared.

You knew that the two of you had worked hard to be there for each other the past year. Especially with everything that was going on and Bo working most of the time.

To know that you had helped him in any shape or form. It just meant a lot, in more ways than he’d ever know.

The lights in the room flickered on as if he had made a make-shift movie theatre. You wiped away any stray tears, and before he could even say anything, you ran into his arms.

Bo jolting back in surprise before accepting the embrace and holding you tighter into his chest. His head resting gently on top of yours due to his taller stature.

“God I love you so much, more than you’ll ever know. I seriously don’t know if I would’ve made it out alive this past year if I didn’t have you.” he croaked into your hold.

It took you a second to realize that the man was crying, and you pulled away to meet his eyes. Your fingers brushing away his tears before reaching up to give him a kiss.

His figure bending down just a tad to meet your lips as he kisses you back sweetly. It’s light and yet so filled with passion for making up for what time that had been lost.

Yet as he looks down at you, a smile etching across his lips. As he asks you about what your thoughts are on his special, he already knows your response.

Unbeknownst to you, he had recorded your entire viewing experience. Of course, if he were to ever share it anywhere, he’d ask your permission, but it was apparent.

Even as you told him how much you loved it and how much you enjoyed it. You knew that he knew that you understood the special the way he had intended it.

It was one of the many things that made him adore you endlessly. You meant the world to him.

“We should celebrate babe! Maybe order a pizza or something.” you exclaim, arms still wrapped around his neck in your embrace.

“We definitely should, but what pizza places are open at this hour?” Bo smirks as you give him a slight frown.

“I don’t know, that’s a good question.” you hesitate.

“Actually I do know one place that’s really good and delivers.” Bo whispers seductively up against your ear.

You giggle and gesture for him to continue as he swiftly pulls away from your hold. His hand outstretched for you to take once again as he leads you towards the house. Or, more importantly, towards your bedroom.

“Me.”

——————————————————————------------------------------------

Bo sat anxiously beside you as his fingers lingered over the ‘post’ button on his different social media accounts.

The post in question was a video that he stitched together of you watching the special. With your consent, of course.

It had been edited together to be vague enough that he wouldn’t spoil the special. But nonetheless, it was sweet, and he totally made sure to include you tearing up in it.

You made it a priority to tackle him for that one.

The video was sweet and short, but it got the intended message across, and you personally loved it, just like you loved Bo and the special.

“Any-day now Robert.” you tease as you hold his one hand in yours.

“Do you think that they’ll wanna watch it?” he whispers quietly.

“Of course they will, it’s you. Baby you are so talented, your fans will be so excited.” you reassure.

Bo sighs before squeezing your one hand tightly before pressing the button. And letting Inside out into the world.

[chaos-monkeyy]

I've been wanting to get back into short-fic writing practice because it is not my strong suit. Do you have any short-fic recs that you thought were really good not just as a story, but as a short fic? Maybe with a reason why?

AND!

Please let at least one of them be by you. 💙🙏

Sorry for the homework assignment, feel free to pretend it doesn't exist 😂💙

Oh boy, fun homework!! 🤩🤓

Okay so I thought about this pretty much all afternoon and evening 😂 And I've picked a few that I think are good examples of different types of short fic, as well as being good fic. And also came up with silly category names because I could.

(I'm afraid some of these will be a little out of your fandom wheelhouse, but I do think they're good examples so I hope that's alright 🙈)

The wanky drabble

I learned this one from @revakah, who's still the master of 100-word-witchcraft in my books. Playing with formatting and throwing any concept of sentence structure out the window in favour of pure unadulterated vibes; and somehow winding up with a story that spans way, way more time and feelings than it should be able to. Two of Rev's I particularly like for that:

Blank Space (100 words - Sylvie & Mobius - Loki Series - Sads ahoy)

Grounded (100 words - Kaladin/Dalinar - the Stormlight Archive - Fucking Hot ahoy)

That One Scene

This is probably my own favourite and most frequent sort of ficlet / short... where you take the established world/canon and either situate readers with the summary itself, or with like one or two quick lines-- and write literally just that one single scene or idea and nothing. else. Leave the finer details of exactly how they got there and what happens after up to the reader's imagination. If those are even relevant, they might not be 😂 I love these cause they're so flexible-- they can be introspective, they can be kind of a character study or a What If, they can leave people pondering implications and going ..oh, they can be a quick n dirty little smut scene or powerfully moving angst or pure happy-making fluff; or any combination of the above.

A universe all its own by @jewelliffer (647 words - Thranto - So Fluffy I'm gonna Die)

Unending by saisei (405 words - SGA vegas!Sheppard/Todd the Wraith - impossible levels of characterization, canon backstory, and post-canon story for that many words)

In time by me (200 words - SGA one-sided Sheppard/Todd the Wraith - I'm just really proud of how creepy and not-quite-human I managed to make this Todd POV one)

Longfic speedrun

For when you have the idea for a long fic but don't actually want to write the whole thing. Instead, take the most important, core bits of key moments over time, and just... don't write the rest. It has a particular feel to it that's kind of hard to describe, but they tend to leave me feeling a little stunned. Because I only read one or two thousand words, but somehow they've beamed a year's or a decade's worth of story time directly into my brain.

The Taste of Him by @draculard (~2.5k - NightThrawn with background/nonromantic Thrawn/Palpatine - okay yes this is on the longer side for a short fic BUT in my defense it's incredible and oh yeah OW heartbreaking)

Still there is my attempt at a slowburn speedrun (~1.3k - more SGA - vegas!McShep post canon)

~waits patiently for homework assignment to be graded~

[apoapsis]

knowing your partner well can potentially make writing together a lot easier. ( repost do not reblog ! )

- Name: pip

- Pronouns:  he / him

- Preference of communication: discord! ask for it anytime! i tend to appear on invis, but that’s just because i am extremely fucking shy, so long as you’re fine with me getting back to your messages at my leisure (usually 8-24 hours, on average), then by all means feel free to ask for it!

- Name of muse(s): Sigma / Siebren, and on rare occasion I will sometimes ghostwrite Moira for specific threads, but I also now have a blog for Symmetra! [laserpimp]

- Experience / How long (MONTHS / YEARS?): 13-14 years, nearly 7 spent in the ow rpc.

- Platforms you’ve used: dA chatrooms (that’s where I learned to Type Fast), facebook, discord, tumblr, and google docs. The latter three are my most-used platforms.

- Best experience: meeting @flashofyellowlights​ 🥺🥺🥺 i was in a super dark place emotionally between 2019-2021 after a death in my immediate family and Buncy was probably my biggest advocate to keep going. me n this blog just simply wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. quite easily my best friend in this entire rpc, no cap.

- RP pet peeves / dealbreakers: 1) because i write a lot of introspective thoughts out for my characters to give my replies more depth, i notice that people often read that and use it to determine my characters’ mood (rather than the actual actions i purposefully insert for their character to react to). 2) a SUPER annoying thing i’ve had people do is, after explaining sieb/sig’s dichotomy to them, they often automatically assume sig is the “evil” one between the two of them..... despite me explaining that BOTH sig and sieb are morally grey, not evil. 3) my only real “dealbreaker” is when people openly demonstrate poor reading comprehension. this isn’t to say you can’t ask for clarification abt my replies, and this most certainly isn’t a knock at people who legitimately need extra help digesting my long ass replies, but considering this is a hobby exclusively based around reading and writing, I just don’t really feel the motivation to write with people who repeatedly misconstrue / misinterpret my replies simply because they just won’t read the entirety and take “creative liberties” with how they interpret my replies.

- Fluff, angst or smut: predominately angst with occasional smut 😂😂 personally i’m not a very big fan of “fluff” just because out of the three, it’s the one that gets the absolute blandest when it’s all someone wants to write with me. if you came here looking for fluff, i’m.... sorry bro 😳

- Plots or memes: primarily, plotting is generally my go-to for first interactions just to really set a scene, but once a “canon” is established between our characters, i’m open for everything. however, you are also free to use memes to break the ice! the only reason i default towards plotting is because i get anxious if i can’t immediately visualize / explain the setting when writing something up. that’s also why i tend to offer to write the starter, so that people don’t feel pressured to plot AND start.

- Long or short replies: the longer, the better!!! despite the fact that i can burn myself out kind of quickly, i will always prefer multipara to ANYTHING else. i didn’t choose the multipara life, the multipara life chose ME.

- Best time to write: i don’t really do anything on a day-to-day basis so i often operate on what i consider “dash hours”, meaning people are usually off work / done with their day at around 4-6pm (PST, my time), and usually post replies / ic posts / hc’s / etc. until about 8-10pm, which is when ppl disappear for the night. if i’m looking for small / quick interactions, that is usually the window i operate in. otherwise? anytime, although i get the most writing done around 1-5am when i don’t have people actively trying to msg me (adhd vibes)

- Are you like your muse(s): as far as the space aesthetic goes, absolutely, although in other regards, not so much! one of my reasons for picking up sigma was exclusively for the fact that he was space-themed, since anything space-related  is my #1 autistic special interest. i’m certainly nothing of an astrophysicist myself but i do apply a lot of the nuanced information i’ve soaked up to sigma and how his abilities work.

TAGGED BY: literally everyone in the rpc by now, i’m always late w/ these LOL

TAGGING: idk who hasn’t done this so just say i @’d you n do it 😠

[lucemferto]

I feel like the difference between angsty fanfic and an angsty source material is that with fanfic, you can choose when you partake and what type of angst you're getting into due to things like tags and stuff. And while you choose to partake in media as well, the usual media doesn't have anywhere near the extensive warnings fanfic do. Especially in DSMP where it started kind of irreverent and funny, got more serious but still had light at the end of the tunnel, and is now just an angst no comfort fest, seeing what depths the story sinks too is harder to deal with than willingly reading a very angsty fanfic or writing one for your own catharsis. Because it's safe. You know what you're getting into. It's on your own terms. Vs the ccs playing with your emotions like cackling puppet masters behind the scenes.

Some people like that stuff. I for one, don't and am trying to get back into some other, less angsty series to balance out the misery, but some people are all for it. I got into DSMP as an escape from quarantine, and it is certainly not an escape anymore. I guess since you do narrative analysis you're a bit more removed from the angst but damn if I could barely watch that last Philza and Fundy stream.

How dare you derive such a thoughtful ask from my bad shitpost! Now you have made me look like a damned, insensitive fool!

In all seriousness though, this a good thing to bring up. Fandoms are not a monolith, of course, and everyone has different thresholds and preferences when it comes to content, narrative, tone, etc.

Personally - without trying to step on anyone’s toes - I think people tend to overstate how angsty everything is. I mean, things have gone dark; but we’re also in the middle of the story - things tend to get dark around here. The more dire Act II the more exciting it is to see how the heroes will prevail in Act III. Season 2 handled that pretty fine with Dream’s ultimate defeat, I’d say.

And still, we have goofy stuff like the Beeduo marriage, Tommy still sprinkles some comedy inbetween the more introspective moments, the Eggpire in general were more on the silly side as antagonists (some choice BadBoyHalo and Ponk scenes excluded) and in their most triumphant moment they were foiled.

And that’s disregarding how light and fluffy the beginning of Season 3 was: With the Hotel-arc and Jack and Niki as the ineffectual, cartoony villains. I’m sure once S3 has reached its climax and S4 starts, we’ll get back to that tone.

But, again, it’s very important to be comfortable with the content you consume and I’m not knocking anyone if they think S3 is a bit much for them right now. I can totally see how that would be the case!

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[strikingtwelves]

(It’s Rowan, tungl refuses to accept I’m logged in on this page in particular). What do you like for prompts? Character or story? Smorgasbord then for you to pick from: A) Yaz has met the Doctor before but neither of them know it. B) When sick of humans Eight lived with Intelligent Tigers, and Eleven sulked with Otters. Thirteen dips in the middle of an adventure - what’s she staying with? C) Karvanista has been teleported somewhere and hates it but for Dan this is just a weekday.

@rowanthestrange

I usually tend to write introspective/character study type fics that only really have plot for the sake of not completely boring the reader to death, so with that being said

I’m looking, respectfully, at b) ‘Thirteen dips in the middle of an adventure - what’s she staying with?’ And while simultaneously trying to answer that question also unable to stop angst brain from turning something potentially very lighthearted into something only slightly lighthearted but incredibly dramatic around the edges, SO

That’s it. That’s the one. Will either finish in two days or twenty, we’ll see what the adhd has to say tomorrow 😌