#and this song perfectly sums up my life right now

[loulines]

June 21st, 2020. We were in the middle of the first wave of a global pandemic, the entire world turned upside down.

Season 7 of The Clone Wars ended less than two months before. And on that day I did something that would forever change my life.

I joined a rexsoka group chat.

It was a small group, since Tumblr group chats weren't really big to begin with. And it was rexsoka, after all, I remember when we had only about 300 fics on AO3 at the time. I remember being very anxious about joining because I felt that I'm not gonna fit in and no one would like me.

If only I knew...

That moment was the beginning of the biggest rollercoaster of my life, full of both the happiest, and the most heartbreaking memories.

The group chat moved to Discord well before Tumblr removed the bugged and broken feature, to the server owned by the most amazing person I have ever known. The members joined and left, but a portion of the OG members have become my closest friends. We shared secrets with each other that we'd never share with anyone else, we joked, laughed, argued... But we'd still stick together, even if we spent less time interacting.

In the meantime I started drawing again, after being art blocked for years. Even though I will never get close to the most popular artists in the fandom, I was still shocked at the amount of feedback I've received. I will be forever grateful for that.

Then I moved on from reading fics to writing my own stories, and I even collabed on a fic, which I never thought I would do. It was amazing.

Over those 3 years I've done things I never would've expected myself to do before.

Both good and horrible things...

Now, 3 years later, on June 21st, 2023...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to believe in anymore...

I kept hurting people, especially those closest to me, and I kept hurting myself.

Those anniversaries were always very important to me, because it was about meeting my dear friends.

But this anniversary...

I will spend attending my very first therapist appointment.

I don't even know what to expect from it, I'm beyond terrified. I'm terrified of the things I have to confess to them. I'm terrified of sharing my story and my problems with them because those memories make my heart bleed. I'm terrified of the diagnosis I might get or that the only "diagnosis" I will get will be the fact that I'm fucked up and just a terrible person in general.

But I have to do it. It's not only for myself, but in the majority it is. Because the only other option I have left would result in my name being put on my grave...

I don't know what will happen on the 4th anniversary. I no longer look into the future with anticipation. The past seems so distant nowadays and the present... Just is.

I want to thank everyone who's left a like, a comment, or a reblog on my posts. I'd like to thank each and every of my followers. I'd especially like to thank all my friends, the ones still around for still putting up with my bullshit, and to those I cannot talk to anymore, for putting up with my bullshit in the past. Thank you for the amazing memories.

And I'm sorry for all the trouble and drama I've caused.

I hope you guys stay healthy.

Maybe once I fix my mental health I'll go back to drawing and writing. And I'll stop being so overdramatic in my posts. And in my life as well.

x

[andy-wm]

I don’t think this is what he meant especially because Namjoon said he gets how he feels and shook his hand after. We all know Namjoon is single for a while now after going through a nasty breakup. Jimin and Jungkook’s bond is precious even though it’s now clearly not romantic.

He also said “Although I feel this way it’s not sad…” when speaking about Who. I think Jimin is strongly indicating that he has been single for a while. We should really take his words for what they are rather than trying to twist them into a narrative that makes jikook romantic. In the context of everything he said earlier in the video up until the Who talk it seems that he created Who to have the direct message of searching for his person. He was speaking about the song when he said that he felt this way. Not having those butterflies is what he is referring to when he says he feels flat, not sad but not exciting. Even if currently platonic jikook have a precious bond.

Imo these three sentences sums up MUSE and WHO perfectly instead of those essays wanting to connect it to jikook because we want them to be real :

https://x.com/jkyoongs/status/1814588120291287475

This is exactly what he told, meant and going through when he created this album. It's sad Jikook is not involved romantically but they still have a great bond given their trips and now enlistment but if Jimin is saying he's single without even feeling butterflies to fall in love then we have to accept that guys.

Hey Anon, thanks for this ask. Its so great to interact with someone who disagrees with me but doesn't have a huge chip on their shoulder about my views.

And honestly i can see that there are many ways to look at this situation.

Nobody can without a doubt claim they are romantic partners, just like nobody can without a doubt claim they are not. You and I have differing perspectives based on what we see and how we interpret it. We probably have different ways of seeing the world and different experiences of love.

And if one day we all find out that they were really just friends, I’ll shake your hand and, without screaming or crying, I'll accept that i was wrong. I hope you would do the same.

But right now, I don't think I am wrong on this.

Looking at the whole picture it seems to me that they are very much still romantic partners.

More like an old married couple with complicated and busy lives, but

Clearly still very focused on each other.

Clearly delighted with each other.

Clearly care deeply for each other.

Clearly spend a lot of time together despite being so busy.

Clearly attracted to each other.

Clearly physically comfortable with each other.

That's how i see it.

Am i prepared to die on the hill that their relationship is romantic? No, because I can't possibly know for absolute certain. Same reason i dont believe in god (although i think Jikook is more plausible than an old guy sitting in the clouds watching humanity like he's playing The Sims, just quietly... and yes bring on all the anon haters who are gonna want to thrash me because i'm an atheist).

But on the balance of evidence I'd say ...

they're still together.

Lets talk about MiniMoniMusic.

As for the Minimoni video, Jimin was there to talk about the album. It wasn't a conversation about his personal life.

He talked about not having excitement in his life, about his life being bland, and empty after suspending group activities. They hadn't been active as a team, and he was working really hard. It was a long time since he felt excited about something.

That sense of excitement was compared to having a crush and confessing his feelings. He said he can't remember the last time he felt that way, and the journey of MUSE was to make him feel excited again.

Tracks 1-5 were exploring the exciting emotions, like you would have when you're crushing on someone. That euphoria, the fizz in your belly, the high energy etc. That's what excitement feels like.

The crush conversation... This is the part that's throwing everyone.

He said he couldn't even remember the last time he had a crush, and Joon says I know how you feel and he and Joon laughed about that.

If it was because they've both come out of long term relationships (and we know Joonie's breakup was traumatic) why would they laugh?

They weren't laughing about being single, they were laughing about being OLD.

Remember what came next ... Jimin says the youngest in his band is really young so Jimin asked him about how a crush feels:

"Give me something since you're the youngest"

Because having a crush is something teenagers feel.

Jimin and Joon feel old, like they are a bit past having crushes. I believe that's what they're saying. And honestly, when was the last time you heard 30 year old men talking about their crush?

A crush and a long term romantic partner are two very different things.

At no point did he say he wasn't in a relationship.

+++++++++++++++

Edited to add a better translation of 'crush' , being one sided/unrequited love.

I'm not deleting what i originally posted because the reason jimin asked Evan is based on his youth.

+++++++++++++

One more thing i need to add...

In my experience, it's very difficult to go from being in a long term relationship to being platonic besties with your former romantic partner. It takes a LOT of work, and it requires energy, effort, and very carefully maintained boundaries.

Jimin & JK don't look like they're maintaining boundaries to me.

Based purely on the recent footage - the Are You Sure teaser they released - I see no sign of clear boundaries. Even in the Minimoni conversation Jimin says they drink and talk for 3-4 hours and it gets DEEP. That's a recipe for disaster with a former lover.

It also usually requires substantial time apart - YEARS maybe - to reset the relationship so you can be best friends without falling into old habits. We aren't talking high scool boyfriends who get the odd hour alone together here. We're talking months and months abroad in hotel rooms with nothing to do except listen to Lana Del Rey and... eat bread (apparently) 🤣🤣

Ok look, that last part was a tongue in cheek joke but they have spent YEARS under the same roof with zero reason not to be in each others bed, pants, shower, and anything else that sounds fun.

So honestly I don't buy the 'used to be lovers but now good friends' argument.

Those boys are comfortably intimate to such a level they don't know where one of them ends and the other begins.

[imaginesig]

"Ditch the clowns, get the crown / Baby, I'm the one to beat"

Pt. 2 of “Can someone give a message to the smallest man who ever lived”

Lewis Hamilton x ex!reader (barely)

Joe Burrow x singer!reader

SMAU

What happened between the breakup and Y/n's release of "The Tortured Poets Department: Eros." Once again I stole this entire story line from Taylor Swift. The timeline doesn't line up perfectly with the original but I do what I want

Yn_updates

Liked by user4, user83, user92, and 920,092 others

Yn_updates: after the drop of TTPD Y/n was seen at the Cincinnati’s Bengals game today!!

tagged: yn_ln

user1: she rlly said, bye futbol and went back to her roots

user2 it’ll always be Y/n and her little drink against the world

user3 chat what is going on

user4 I need Twitter to get working on a timeline bc the breakup album just dropped, but we think her and Lewis might have been broken up for a while before she went on break, but now she’s writing for a new man who is possible on either the Bengals??

yn_updates

liked by user98, user3, user1, and 928,282 others

yn_updates: Y/n at the last regular season Bengals game!

tagged: yn_ln

user1 ugh why does her break have to end before playoffs!! I don't want her to miss any games!!

user3 same! I've enjoyed seeing her and her fits

user2 even if it didnt the Bengals aren't predicted to go far this year

user4 I NEED to know what's happening bc there is no way she just up and decided to attend football games this religously

user5 and they're not just any football games, Bengals games. she didnt even grow up a Bengals fan, she was raised a Titan's fan

yn_ln

liked by user43, gracieabrams, sabrinacarpender, and 928,923 others

Yn_ln: Ugh South America!! Y’all are as beautiful as sparkling lights at midnight!! Big kisses to you all!! 🫶🫶

tagged: no one

user1 ahh best night of my life!!!

user2 she was so giddy and happy tonight

user3 im glad someone else noticed

user4 guys the surprise songs tonight where the first ones since the breakup about Lewis that she wasn't mad or sad

user5 was Lewis in attendance? Are my parents back together??

user6 nope, while Y/n was giggling her way through Delicate Lewis was attempting to overtake Lando in Italy

user7 we all see her smile right??

user8 I NEED to know who was behind it

user9 I've been searching but as of right now no one other than family and close friends were in the VIP tents

user10 when she sang it seemed like she directed it in one area of the crowd not the tents, so maybe this mystery person was on the floor

user11 normally I would call this theory crazy but people who were there said it was clear the second surprise song was clearly aimed at someone in the audience, but no ones been identified yet...

joeyb_9

liked by user93, lahhay10_, teehigins, and 823,929 others

joeyb_9: "You look like bad news, I gotta have you" or sum

tagged: lahjay10_

User12 HE DID NOT

user1 WHAT

user2 guys is this who I think it was

user3 my worlds just collided

lahya10_ great night- one for the books!

joeyb_9 you got that right

user4 OMG JOEY B AND J'MARR AT A Y/N CONCERT??

user5 im assuming we're all thinking the same thing...

user6 they were on the floor too, not in tents

user7 J'marr only posted a story about the night and didnt dress up, so it has to be Joe

user8 THE CAPTION HELLO

user9 brother thinks putting "or sum" makes it less obvious

user10 what if he's just a girl like us with hyper specific captions

user11 the fact that he dressed up on theme for the concert made him 10x hotter

bengals

liked by yn_ln, joeyb_9, user5, and 678, 982 others

bengals: "It's been a long time coming..." 🏆

tagged: no one

user1 admin you aint slick 🤨

user2 AND THE BENGALS ARE SUPER BOWL CHAMPS WHOOO

user3 AHHH DID ANYONE ELSE SEE Y/N'S FACE AT THE END

user4 her face?? Babe I saw her whole body go flying up when they won!

user5 ugh she's a good luck charm across all sports

User6 but this time the man backed her up with his own skill…

User7 damn Y/n fans switch up quick

joeyb_9

liked by yn_ln, teehiggins, bengals, and 918,289 others

joeyb_9: WE'RE CHAMPS BABY

tagged: bengals, yn_ln

yn_ln so proud!!

joeyb_9 ♥️

lahjay10_ HELL YEAH BROTHER

joeyb_9 💪💪

teehiggins that’s how we do!!

joeyb_9 that's how we do 👏👏

User1 OMG HIM AND Y/N???

User2 their celebrations were adorable!!

user3 I’m glad after all the speculation they’ve made it official \

user4 He is not afraid of showing her off🥹

user5 it makes me so happy for her

yn_ln

liked by joeyb_9, user93, user3, and 928,928 others

yn_ln: I'm with the winning team

tagged: joeyb_9

joeyb_9 so much better than a good luck charm ♥️

yn_ln ♥️♥️

user1 Lewis punching the air rn

user2 fr, she really called him a loser with the caption

user3 lmao I love shady Y/n

user4 HER AND JOE?? THATS THE CUTEST PIC EVER

user5 IKR

user6 THEY'VE BEEN PUBLIC FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS AND THEY ALREADY MAKE ME FEEL SO LONELY

user7 is she with the winning team or are they the winning team??

user8 y/n and Joe >>>

Yn_ln

liked by user79, user91, user91, and 918,901 others

Yn_ln: surprise!! "The Tortured Poets Department: Eros" out now!! This edition includes two new songs, "So High School" and "The Alchemy"

tagged: no one

comments have been disabled

Twitter post songs release:

Twitter first Paris show:

yn_ln

liked by joeyb_9, user82, landonorris, and 829,927 others

yn_ln: Fuck me up *Paris*!!!

tagged: no one

user1 AHHH TTPD SET WAS INCREDIBLE

user2 ugh buying more tickets now bc I HAVE to see the new set

User3 all the symbols I CANT

User4 she looked so stunning

User5 I cannot y’all Joe was there!!!!

user6 I lost my mind at all their moments!! Hes so shameless unlike Lewis

User7 Paris was so lucky!!

user8 it was adorable to see Joe smiling and SINGING all throughout the show, including his songs/TTPD set

user9 ahhh the singing got me!!! her exes would never

user10 all the friendship bracelets her received and wore-- he was so cute

user11 I love that he has arms full and refused to relive himself of any!!

joeyb_9

liked by yn_ln, user9, yn_updates, and 918,928 others

joeyb_9: Baby, you're the one to beat ♥️

tagged: yn_ln

comments have been limited

@toldyouitwasamelodrama

@swifth0lic

@erbri3r

[tyrantisterror]

You seem to have been enjoying Baldur's Gate III a lot. Would you mind giving your thoughts on the individual companions? I'm just curious to see what your take on them is.

Yeah sure! The game's been rotting my brain for months now in part because of its character writing, so I can stand to gush about the companions a bit.

Before we get to the companions individually, I want to talk about them as a group, because one of the things that makes this game so impressive to me is its commitment to its core themes, and that extends to how the companions were crafted as a group. See, each of the core six companions have the following things in common:

The mindflayer tadpole that threatens to turn them into a monster against their will (i.e. the thing that gets them all together on a quest)

A personal history of being abused and exploited by someone they trusted

A Want that comes as a result of their personal history of abuse that is self destructive but understandable given their circumstances

A Need that comes as a result of their personal history of abuse that they have written off or ignored because their past makes them think fulfilling it is impossible

A point in their character arc where they will come into conflict with the player character if the player character tries to advocate for their Need over their Want. If the player values the Want over the Need, the relationship will initially go smoother, but end badly.

The overall theme of Baldur's Gate 3 can be loosely summed up in one of its major recurring songs, I Want to Live, and that's ultimately what each character's arc is a variation of: the desperate desire to live in a world that has been trying to kill your mind, body, and soul to the best of its ability. Got it? Cool, we can talk about the characters now that we've got this established.

Oh, and, uh, this game covers some... HEAVY themes, given that abuse is one of the common denominators between the companions. I'm going to try to be gentle in talking about it, but this will cover some of that subject matter, so this is your warning if you want to avoid that.

Companion 1: Astarion, My Bisexual Awakening

I'm going to start with the companion I feel is the most talked about/popular/overexposed I suppose, Astarion. I feel like anyone with even the vaguest knowledge of Baldur's Gate 3 probably recognizes Astarion at this point, even if it's just as "that annoying vampire twink I'm sick of seeing." There's already a growing "he's popular so he sucks" movement about Astarion here on tumblr and at the cesspool of hate known as Twitter, because of course there is, he's popular, ergo he must suck.

...

I think Astarion is one of the best written video game characters of all time.

There's this one great tumblr post that summarizes Astarion's role in the narrative really well, with the great punchline of "Astarion is kinda like if they sexualized gollum," which is not only funny but perfectly accurate. I can't really top that, so I'm just going to talk around some of its points a bit, but I highly recommend reading it yourself, it's more concise and well-thought out than whatever this ramble will be.

But, ok, so, "I Want to Live" is our theme, right? Astarion is dead. Dead to begin with, Marley style. He has been killed, at a young age, before his time. Sure, he was brought back to a sort of life, being a vampire and a member of the undead and all, but the life he knew is gone. All the pathos one can mine from being a vampire is played up here, for as Astarion himself notes, he's not even a full fledge vampire, but a vampire spawn - "All of the drawbacks, few of the perks." Worse, as a vampire spawn, he's magically bound to the will of the vampire that turned him - forced to live out his undead life as a slave to a sadistic monster that abused him in every way a person can be abused.

Which is why Astarion is the only companion who's entirely thankful for the mindflayers kidnapping him and implanting a tadpole in his head - because they broke that magic connection to his master, and gave him resistances to many of the stock vampire weaknesses to boot (hungry tadpole doesn't want its meat suit burning in the sun, after all). Astarion's life was so fucked that getting a brain-eating parasite was a unilateral improvement.

But while the magic connection is severed, the psychological affect of the abuse Astarion suffered lingers. His master made him use sex as a lure to bring victims to his lair, and so Astarion still believes that he has to offer people sex to "earn his keep" - that his body is a tool for others to use for their gratification, and if he refuses their desires he puts his life at peril. Astarion hates putting himself out to help other people not only because no one has done that for him during his long undead life, but because doing so puts his life at risk. Astarion is power hungry - his Want is to be as strong, no, stronger than his master, so that way he can never be afraid again. Astarion Wants to be a true vampire.

His need, however, is to find value in the life he has now. He needs people who love him for who he is, not what he can offer, and who will protect him the way he has needed protecting for hundreds of years. His need is to be shown that kindness isn't a weakness, that charity is possible, that power does not have to be gained through selfish and cruel means. You're shown this in the game's approval mechanic - while Astarion will disapprove of you putting yourself out on a limb for others and revealing sensitive information freely, he has a soft spot for whenever you help someone who, like him, is being exploited. Because while he'll protest otherwise, Astarion wants to believe kindness is possible, and that the horrible things he's suffered don't define him. Astarion may believe he's just a tool to serve others' desires, but that doesn't mean he doesn't wish to be more than that.

And I know the cynics among you are like "Oh, ok, so the cute vampire twink has a ludicrously tragic backstory. How is that original or good writing?" Because that's the thing, right? If there's an effeminate, brooding bad boy character that lots of teenage girls like in a piece of media, it HAS to be shallow wangst at its core. Every tumblr sexyman is just Edward Cullen when you cut past the bullshit, right?

Like, I know I'm not going to convince the "Thing popular so thing bad" crowd on Astarion's quality no matter how many words I write, but, like, there is a reason for the hype. Dude's got fucking layers! The different interactions with him you can have, the dimensions you can bring out of him by how you choose to engage with him, all paint this great tapestry of a character who takes the concept of a vampire and explores it to a depth few pieces of media have every plunged to.

And he's fucking funny! Dude's got some of the best lines in the game, and his voice actor didn't just give him a sexy sultry voice, but, like, shades of Tim Curry that make him endearingly weird and goofy and witty as hell while still being very sexy.

And yes, he's a sexy vampire, that's a big point in his favor and what most people are dwelling on. And I'm standing by the sexy part - listen, for the past few years I've been kind of wrestling with whether or not I'm bisexual, and the question was laid to rest the first time this fucker flirted with me in game. My heart raced, my cheeks flushed, I reflexively giggled and went "Whoo!" like a Southern Belle in need of a feinting couch. Every time he's flirted with me since has given me the fucking vapors. Thank you, Astarion, I'm bi for sure now. you solved that fucking riddle pretty decisively.

Let's move on.

Companion 2: Shadowheart, A Fellow Lapsed Catholic

Shadowheart is a bundle of contradictions. She's got some of the best quips and quickest wits in the game, and she's also a huge fucking dork. She is oozing with confidence about the role she's been assigned to play and is incredibly assertive in group social situations, but on her own she's a mess of insecurities and is constantly plagued with doubts about her worth. She's constantly preaching about the need to be pragmatic and self-focused, but loves it whenever you are kind and generous. Depending on your choices during the tutorial level, she can become the first ride-or-die party member you get, and she's also a miserable pile of secrets who is terrified of you discovering what she really is.

See, Shadowheart is a cleric of Shar, the Goddess of Darkness, which is both in a literal and figurative sense - that is, Shar is the goddess of night and the absence of light, but, like, also the goddess of loss, and sorrow, and hopelessness, and secrets, and lies. The Goddess of Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss, basically. Being raised to follow the goddess has plagues Shadowheart with guilt over the secrets she's had to keep, the cruelties she's had to inflict, and the distance she's kept from all people in her life as a result of the church's creed. If you're a nerd who comes into this game knowing who Shar is, you'd probably be immediately suspicious of Shadowheart when you find out her alleigance, because Shar's basically one of the more prominent evil gods whose followers are always fucking things up for everyone.

However, I did not come into this game knowing that, but I did come into it knowing what's it's like to be raised in a religion that teaches you that many of your natural desires for companionship are wrong and to feel guilt and paranoia over how your every action will be judged, for like Shadowheart, I am also a Catholic.

Shadowheart's Want is to become a Dark Justiciar, which is basically the Sharran equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition, and to fully prove her devotion to Shar's will. The way she talks about Shar is so thickly coded with the way children of abusive parents talk about said parents that's it's legitimately frightening to witness at times. Shadowheart doesn't blame Shar for hurting her, she knows it's her fault for disappointing Shar in the first place.

Shadowheart's Need is to leave the fucking Catholic church. Depending on your choices, she can accomplish this with the help of two moon-worshipping lesbians, at which point she dyes her hair a color that would piss off her parents Shar and proceeds to indulge in a somewhat hedonistic rebellion of self actualization that only a lapsed Catholic can fully comprehend. I love her.

Companion 3: Lae'Zel, The World's Most Loyal Toad

Ok, so, brief tangent: one of my favorite games of all time is Dragon Age Origins, and it is one of my favorite games of all time in part because it has Morrigan, one of the best characters in all of fantasy fiction, fuck you fight me. Morrigan is a divisive character in the DA fandom because she is notoriously hard to please if you're trying to be a good person - it was so prominent a criticism, in fact, that "Morrigan Disapproves" was put on a fucking t-shirt to play on/monetize the controversy.

But, see, the thing about Morrigan is that she's 1. incredibly complex and 2. designed to challenge your worldview, and to be challenged in turn. Morrigan isn't just an evil bitch, she has a genuine philosophy for why she behaves as coldly as she does, which in part stems from her awful upbringing by her cruel, selfish hermit mother who was trying to shelter her from an even crueller world that would see her in chains just for being a witch. Morrigan has been taught that love is a weakness others will exploit, that kindness is folly, and that everyone is out for themselves. And you need to contradict her on that - getting to know her inevitably involves fighting her on this point, and you proving to her that the cruelty she's been taught is wrong. If you are willing to listen, to argue, to truly understand this character, she grows because of you. It makes her character arc so fucking satisfying, when you get to the end of the game and she realizes that she does love you, she does want to be kind, and that even though she now feels more accutely than ever how love has made her weak, she can't be without it. It's so fucking good.

I bring Morrigan up because almost all the companions in Baldur's Gate 3 are on her level, in part because they are designed like her - to challenge you and be challenged in turn. And none of the core six are more like her than Lae'zel.

Which, sadly, includes the fan backlash part. A lot of fans of the game hate Lae'zel - she's too mean, they say, too hostile, to proud of her strange and callous worldview, too critical of our normal and kind outlook, too difficult to relate to.

These people are cowards.

If Shadowheart is Catholic, then Lae'zel is, like, Christian Reformed. A fundie. She's been training at Githyanki Bible Camp for years to be her lichqueen's perfectly loyal soldier, only to run into this minor snag of being kidnapped by Mindflayers, the ancestral enemies of her people, and infected with a tadpole that will turn her into one of them, the Worst Fate that can become a Githyanki. Luckily, she's read all of her people's Chick Tracts, and knows that if she can get to one of the Githyanki creches, they can use their special machine to pray the tadpole out of her brain and save her.

Lae'zel has drunk the metaphorical kool-aid of her people, but only to a point. See, Githyankis are viciously racist, but Lae'zel is REALLY quick to accept you and most of the other companions (not Shadowheart, though, as like a true Fundie, she cannot stand a Catholic) despite them not being Giths like herself. Yeah, she'll preen and posture about the superiority of her kind a bit, but she sides with you within seconds of meeting you, and from that point on she is ride or die until you give her a good reason to think otherwise. Lae'zel can be mean, stubborn, and arrogant, but she is above all else loyal.

Her Want is to be a perfect Githyanki warrior, earning the respect of her queen and serving her endlessly in the Astral Plane. Of course, when you actually get to that creche she's pointing you towards early in the game, this all falls apart on her, because just like Fundamentalist Christianity, Githyanki culture is little more than a sham designed to uphold an evil and exploitative power structure where the rich drain the life and resources of everyone beneath them and declare it the will of the divine. In this case, that "drain the life" part is explicitly literal, as the Githyanki queen literally devours the life force of any gith that gets even a bit close to rivaling her in power. If Lae'zel tries to follow her dream, it will end with her queen eating her soul.

Lae'zel's Need is to not only break out of her culture's indoctrination, but to find a way to make her life worthwhile on her own terms. It's heartbreaking to witness, honestly, because unlike the other core companions, Lae'zel has no idea what a life outside of her Want looks like. What is she without serving her queen? What the hell does she want? If you've been taught God your queen is all that is good, then how the fuck you you figure out what good is when you realize she's actually evil?

And while she goes through this seriously traumatic existential crisis, she finds the energy to be invested in the struggles of you and your companions. When the other characters are going through The Shit in their respective arcs, Lae'zel is always quick to note that she thinks they are strong and deserve more than they're getting - even Shadowheart, that fucking Catholic!

Because the first word you'd ever use to describe Lae'zel, the one that most succinctly captures who she is, is LOYAL. She fucking rocks, I love her.

Companion 4: Wyll, The Unjustly Underrated

Almost no one talks about Wyll and it fucking sucks, man. I mean, we all know why (it starts with a Ra and ends in a Cism), but still it fucking blows dude. And yes, I include myself in this, anyone who's followed my blog can tell that Wyll's not the companion I fixate on the most.

But listen, I promise you, if the game let me take along four companions instead of three, Wyll... would be competing with Lae'zel for spot #4, and Lae'zel might win out because she's an angry girl, but... fuck I'm losing the plot.

Wyll is great though! He's severely underrated! He's one of the nicest companions you'll get, first of all, but he's not just a nice guy. Everyone's got layers in this, right? Wyll is nice, but he's also a bit arrogant - a glory hound, really. He's the only companion who's given himself a superhero name, and he routinely uses it. Dude wants to be fuckin' Batman so bad, it's wonderful.

He's also the most actively fucked member of the party. Everyone's got abusers in their past, but Wyll's is the only one who's followed him to your camp. Mizora, the devil he sold his soul too, frequently shows up to give him shitty tasks and shittier punishments, and is one of the most hateful fucking characters I have ever encountered in my life. Like, to put this in perspective: if you know me, you know that I have certain... preferences... when it comes to women. So if there was, say, a demon lady character who's also a bit of a dominatrix, and I fucking hated her guts, you'd probably be a bit surprised given, you know, my preferences.

But the way Mizora treats Wyll? The way she talks about him and to him? It's fucking heinous. She's not fun evil, she's evil evil, and she's got to fucking go.

It kind of reframes Wyll's kindness and cockiness as you experience it, because beneath the showy acts of heroism and the bluster, Wyll is a sad little dog in a burning apartment telling himself "this is fine!" over and over again.

Wyll's Want is to be a hero and make the sacrifice of his soul worth something. He has accepted that there is no redemption for himself, that Mizora preying upon his vulnerability in the past is something he can never recover from, that he cannot be free of her chains, and only hopes to use what time he has to do some good, even if it inevitably comes at the cost of his life.

His Need is to break out of Mizora's control, to wrest his fate back into his own hands, and to prove what has always been true: that he IS the hero he's selling himself as. It's a real Rango arc if you think about it.

Companion 5: Gale, The Friend With the Messiest Fucking Love Life You've Ever Heard Of Goddamn

Gale... kind of breaks the companion formula, a little bit? Like, for the other five core companions, there is a clear-cut situation where they were abused and exploited by an asshole - Shar exploited Shadowheart, Cazador the master vampire exploited Astarion, Mizora exploits Wyll, etc. Gale's fucked up traumatic relationship is a bit... messier, and harder to untangle, because by his own admission, he was not blameless in it.

Gale is a wizard, and like all good wizards in fiction, he's a bit of a mad scientist. He was so good at wizarding, in fact, that the goddess of magic itself, Mystra, reached out to him, and eventually the two had a little romance. Now, fans have gone back and forth interpreting this, with some saying that Mystra was grooming Gale from childhood and thus is as bad as Cazador/Shar/Mizora/et cetera. I feel that's kind of a bad faith reading of the character, one that's actively ignoring the concept of what an ageless immortal goddess is to try and fit it into a human context.

For nerds who know about the setting, Mystra is NOT an evil goddess like Shar. In fact, she's kind of a vitally important goddess to have around, as Magic is such an integral part of the reality of this setting that not having a god of some sort for it results in an fucking extinction event - which the characters in the game know for a fact because at one point in the past, a mortal wizard killed Mystra and made that extinction event happen. Mystra reformed, as gods do, and eventually things got back to more or less normal, but that doesn't do much for the shitload of people and creatures that died during the period of time where magic was dead.

And that's what ends up souring Gale and Mystra's relationship. Gale, being mortal, felt he had to prove he was Mystra's equal, and so set out to find a source of magical power not unlike that used by the wizard in the past who killed Mystra. And when Mystra saw Gale doing that, she freaked the fuck out because she thought she was going to get killed again - because the wizard who slew her in the past ALSO felt he needed to prove he was equal to a goddess.

Neither character takes the breakup well. Gale feels like fucking shit because he fumbled a literal goddess, and also got a piece of super destructive magic lodged in his chest in the process that's slowly killing him. And Mystra is worried that the super powerful piece of magic lodged in Gale's chest could kill her, and also about the cult using a very similar piece of magic (it's a big plot point for the game I won't go into it this is already too long), and so, in an act of cruel godly pragmatism, she sends D&D Gandalf to tell Gale to use his the magic murder ball in his chest to kill the cult, even though it'll destroy him in the process. "Hi sweetie, please kill yourself on my behalf, k thanx!" basically.

It's... it's a mess.

Gale's Want is to prove he is Mystra's equal by mastering the ancient magic he's found, and either win her back or, better yet, become a god himself and dethrone her. As I said, he's got a bit of a mad scientist in him.

Gale's Need is to move on from this relationship, talk things out with his ex, give her her dvds the ancient magic artifacts back, and move on with his life.

I like Gale. He's got funny lines, he loves his cat, he's a goofy nerd, and while his love life is a mess, his heart is mostly in the right place. He needs some nudges to do the right thing, but he's a good guy deep down, and I always love it when fiction shows a relationship that falls apart not because one person in it was "bad," but because the two people were just not compatible. Yeah, Gale fucked up, but you can understand why he fucked up, and he can understand it too if you help him own up to his mistakes and move forward. Also, he loves his cat, he can't be all bad.

Companion 6: Karlach, the Most Beautiful Woman I've Ever Seen

Karlach is my favorite companion in this game, which is why I saved her for (sort of) last. And, yes, sure, part of it is because of my aforementioned preferences with women...

she's so goddamn pretty

But it's also because of how she plays with those core themes I've mentioned. Karlach was sold into slavery as a teenager, where her devil master ripped out her heart and replaced it with an engine to turn her into a super-strong gladiator. She's been living in literal Hell for years, fighting every day to survive, and like Astarion she actually views being kidnapped by Mindflayers as a godsend since it freed her from her enslavement.

Unlike Astarion, Karlach doesn't have a long life to look forward to. That engine in her chest can't work properly outside of Hell, and it will eventually break, overheat, and melt her from the inside out. Karlach is the only companion who knows she's going to die soon whether or not the tadpole is taken out - no matter how this adventure ends, she will die.

At least, that's what she's told herself. Karlach's Want is to never return to Literal Hell, no matter what, because she's afraid if she does she will be taken as a slave again, and that there is no hope for a good life if she touches foot on that ground again. Following this want means she WILL die - either by the engine, by her enemies in the mortal plane, or by turning into a mind flayer (because while mind flayers can retain their hosts' memories, they are NOT the same being as their host).

And Karlach is convinced she's ok with this! No, really, she's fine! This is fine! She's got a few days left to live, and she's going to enjoy them! She is unfailingly kind and compassionate, always willing to help others, always cheery and taking the best view of her friends and people in need, a ray of fucking sunshine.

And beneath it all she's terrified and sad. When you get towards the end of the game, and Karlach feels how close the Inevitable End is, she reaches a breaking point where that happy facade snaps and it's... it's gut wrenching, man. It breaks your fucking heart, because as much as she's determined not to risk setting foot in Literal Hell ever again, she really doesn't want to die.

...

Karlach's Need is to go back to Literal Hell long enough to get that engine replaced. Her Need is to find hope, TRUE hope, not just a facade of optimism - a true belief that she can face the worst and come out of it ok, that she can survive, that she is not alone in facing the darkest shit this world can throw at her. Her Need is to find the strength to believe that she can live, even if it's hard, even if it's Hell to get there.

And Karlach is worth it. She is worth Hell.

Companions 7 - 10 Speedrun

I don't have as much to say about the four other companions you can get in the game, mainly because I already love these six so much that trying to take time to get to know four other weirdos who I don't get to recruit until halfway through the game just... like, there's a party limit of four characters and one is me, I can only take three of you along at a time, I'm prioritizing the one's who've been with me since all the goblin shit in Act 1, feel me? The rest of you seem real neat but I've got my nakama all set, we're good.

Halsin is the one I know the most of these four because he helped me at the tail end of the goblin stuff and he seems fine. He's a big nice hippie who turns into a bear and is into polygamy and carving wooden ducks. A lot of people thirst for him, but he's not my type - like I get the appeal but this is a case of Not My Favorite Pennywise Hentai But OK as far as I'm concerned. I like his subplot about restoring balance to the cursed forest, though. Felt like teaming up with Smokey the Bear.

Minthara is the companion that used to require you to kill a shitload of innocent people to recruit, but people found weird work-arounds that involved turning her into a sheep and so the developers sighed and released a patch where you could recruit her without mass murder using only slightly cheesey means. She is Genuinely Evil, but in a complicated way that's still fun from a character perspective. She's also a great comically serious character - i.e. someone who's so serious all the time that they end up being incredibly funny on accident just by their muted reactions to all the weirdness around them. From the clip compilations I've watched on youtube, her romance is basically a Lady Macbeth situation, and that's pretty hot. If it weren't for Karlach, I'd... romance Astarion, but if it weren't for Astarion, I'd... romance Shadowheart, but if it weren't for Shadowheart, I'd... romance Lae'zel, but if it weren't for Lae'zel, I might romance Minthara. Or Wyll. One of the two.

Jaheira is a character from one of the previous Baldur's Gate games, neither of which I've played, so I had no preconceptions or attachments to her going in this game. She basically becomes your surrogate mom as the game goes along, and I mean that as a compliment. She's pretty great and fills a nice emotional niche - I didn't use her that much because, again, I've already got six close friends to rotate out, I'm not going to ditch them for long periods of time to hang out with my MOM, but it was nice having her along for the ride a few times.

Minsc is the OTHER returning character from the previous games, and from what I can tell he's basicall Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove but with a funny accent. I like him, he's fun comic relief, and he throws a hamster at people while telling it to eat their eyes. I don't have a lot to say on Minsc, I just think he's neat.

At some point I might do a followup to this gushing about NPCs from the game, because goddamn the supporting cast is great too. Omeluum, Us, the Emperor, fucking Dame Aylin. Dame Aylin is so goddamn fucking cool, I want to read novels about her adventures, she rocks so hard. All glory to the Nightsong!

[cometomecosette]

Standout Moments from "Les Mis" Recordings: 1985-'87

In honor of the 40th anniversary year of the musical of Les Misérables (not counting the original French version), and following the example of @professorspork's Great Wicked Watch, I've decided to do a Great Les Mis Watch and Listen. Over the course of this year, I want to explore as many complete video and audio recordings of Les Mis as I can find, both official and bootleg, in chronological order from 1985 to the present day.

I've also decided to draw inspiration from @professorspork's Wicked Punctum Project. In her Wicked watch-through, she picks out small moments (or "punctums") from each bootleg that stand out for her the most. I've decided to do the same thing for Les Mis. As with the Wicked project, this one will cover some moments I love, some I dislike, and some that just stand out as unique, But since I can't resist going on and on, I'm writing longer rambles about each moment, and instead of just one at a time, I've decided to share a few at a time.

Let's start with the recordings from the musical's first three years, 1985, '86, and '87.

Original London Cast Recording

The beginning of “Look Down.”

That’s right. My moment doesn’t involve Colm Wilkinson, Patti LuPone, Michael Ball, or any of the other leads. It’s the opening verse of “Look Down,” because the way it’s performed sums up the tone of the OLC recording. The tempo is slower than it would later become on Broadway, and the beggars sing their pleas in an intimate, understated way. It doesn’t sound like a grand chorus in a mega-musical: it sounds like real homeless people on the street quietly begging for help. The prevalence of rough-sounding, unpolished voices among them enhances this quality. At this point, the show wasn’t Les Miz, The World's Most Popular Musical, it was just Les Misérables, A Musical, as its original poster read. Not a polished, mass-produced theatrical hit, but an intimate, gritty, earnest new adaptation of Victor Hugo’s novel. At least that’s the impression the OLC recording creates for me, and the slower, more understated rendition of “Look Down” typifies it.

Honorable Mention: The fact that in "On My Own," Frances Ruffelle sings "This world will go on turning" instead of "His world..." At first, I thought she was just singing "His world..." with her Cockney accent, dropping the H, but having seen video clips of her singing the song, I can confirm now that she sings "This." It means that the final verse isn't about Marius anymore: it's about Éponine feeling excluded by and insignificant to the whole world, with her unrequited love as just one aspect of it all.

1985 London audio bootleg (original cast at the Barbican Centre)

Colm Wilkinson’s soft and gentle “You will learn. Truth is given by God to us all in our time” in “In My Life.”

This bootleg of the show’s original, nearly three-hour form is fascinating in many ways. But for me, the standout moment is a familiar one; Valjean’s response to Cosette’s plea to learn about the past in “In My Life,” which can be delivered gently, sternly, or even harshly depending on the actor. I prefer it sung gently, but I didn’t know what to expect from Colm Wilkinson in this early performance, especially because he sounds a bit stern in that scene on the Original Broadway Cast Recording. But that was probably because Judy Kuhn was a more forceful Cosette than Rebecca Caine. Here, he sounds impeccably soft, gentle, and fatherly on those final lines, which works perfectly with Rebecca’s always gentle, dignified, and sweet-toned Cosette. It’s also a striking contrast to the brooding intensity of his scenes with Javert. This early performance of Colm’s particularly contrasts the fire of Jean Valjean the convict with the calmness and kindness of his gentleman personas.

Honorable Mention: The different version of Gavroche’s death, which is more like the version on the French Concept Album. In it, Gavroche sings a reprise of "Look Down," in which he first dismisses the National Guardsmen as idiots and again insists that he "runs this town," but then gets shot and realizes he's dying ("They've got Gavroche at last"), and then sings just two feeble lines of "Little People" with his last breaths.

1986 London audio bootleg

Jackie Marks’ “HOLY GOD, IS THERE NO MERCY?!!” in “Fantine’s Arrest.”

This performance still features most of the original London cast, but with Jackie Marks and Simon Bowman having replaced Patti LuPone and Michael Ball. The standout performance is Jackie Marks’ Fantine, and the standout moment in her performance is this line from “Fantine’s Arrest.” It stands out because her Fantine has been an especially soft-spoken and delicate one; less passionate and powerful than either Patti LuPone before her or Randy Graff after her, and more girlish, frightened, and pitifully sad. Yet gradually, she reveals her inner fire and passion, first in the later verses of “I Dreamed a Dream,” but most of all in her arrest scene. When she sings her desperate, sobbing-toned pleas to Javert, and then wails “HOLY GOD, IS THERE NO MERCY?!!” with a raw anguish not heard from many other actresses, we know that this Fantine has truly been torn inside-out by all she’s been through.

Original Broadway Cast Recording

Randy Graff’s ad-libs in “At the End of the Day”: “Give me that letter back! Give that back to me! AAAAGGGHHH!”

The OBC recording has a unique rugged intensity to it, which I think is what makes it a “love it or hate it” recording among the fandom. Personally, I like it. This quality is typified by Randy Graff’s controversial Fantine. I’ll admit that her voice isn’t always “pretty,” but her warm and rich yet slightly rough timbre suits the character of a suffering woman, as well as the passion she brings to the role. Nothing sums up her Fantine better than her ad-libs during her fight with the Factory Girl, as she fiercely shouts for her letter back, then breaks into raw, strangled screams, presumably as the Factory Girl pulls her hair, twists her arm, or some such thing. It’s different from the first impression of gentle grace and refinement that other Fantines create, but it’s an honest and visceral portrayal of a poor mother fighting for her daughter’s life while facing unbearable brutality from others.

Original Tel Aviv Cast Recording

(Dudu Fisher, Elior Yeini, Riki Gal, Albert Cohen, Tiki Dayan, Shlomit Aharon, Avi Toledano, Yovel Dor, Tal Amir)

Dudu Fisher’s angry orders to Cosette at the end of “Attack on Rue Plumet” and Tal Amir’s distraught “Papa!”

This is a live recording of a non-replica production, with many unusual tempos, musical choices, and acting choices. One such acting choice is this one, which unfortunately stands out because I don’t like it. When Dudu Fisher’s Valjean resolves to leave Paris, he sounds more impatient with Cosette’s reluctance than any other actor I’ve heard, and shouts “HURRY, COSETTE! It’s time to close another door and live ANOTHER DAY!!” (Or rather, the Hebrew equivalent.) He also sounds a bit harsh with her in “In My Life,” but this is worse. Now, I understand that he’s terrified at this point, but still… I don’t like Valjean to yell at Cosette. I don’t like him to be harsh with Cosette. Rationally, I accept it as a valid acting choice, but it’s not pleasant, or how Hugo wrote their relationship. Still, I like the way Tal Amir’s Cosette responds, with a strangled half-shriek of “Papa!” as he pushes her into the house – a level of raw anguish at being torn from Marius that other Cosettes rarely give us.

Honorable Mention: Fisher’s Valjean sobbing uncontrollably over the students’ deaths after “The Final Battle,” with a violent coughing fit between his sobs to foreshadow his own death. That's a moment I do like: I can imagine it was powerful onstage.

1987 Szeged video bootleg

Vikidál Gyula’s tearful “Bring Him Home.”

No, believe it or not, I didn’t choose the end of "Who Am I?" That’s the most unintentionally funny moment, but the real standout moment comes later. This is another non-replica production, with some unusual musical choices. As Jean Valjean, Vikidál Gyula is a rugged-voiced rock singer with a baritone range, so he can’t sing the high notes with the soaring sweetness of other Valjeans. (This is why at the end of “Who Am I?” he shrieks “ONE!!!!!” in the most hilariously melodramatic way instead of singing the note.) How does he cope with “Bring Him Home,” then? He acts his way through the song. He cuts notes short, sing-talks some lines, wails other lines, and lets his voice crack and go off pitch. Through at least half the song he sounds as if he’s crying. It’s not a pretty rendition, but it vividly conveys Valjean’s desperation to save Marius for Cosette’s sake, and his anguish in knowing he’ll lose Cosette and in facing his own mortality.

Honorable Mention (Serious): Grantaire singing “If I die, I die with you” as a solo line, then clasping hands with Enjolras. Unfortunately, for some reason Grantaire is cast as a gray-haired, bearded old man, but at least they gave him this.

Honorable Mention (Funny): One guess. It never gets old.

1987 London video bootleg

Jayne Draper's Éponine rudely shoving Gavroche in "Look Down."

Usually, during Gavroche's lines about Éponine in "Look Down," one of two things happens. Either Montparnasse comes on to Éponine but she fights him off, establishing her toughness, or else she exchanges friendly, teasing gestures with Gavroche, establishing her lively, playful nature. Neither happens here. Instead, it looks like Gavroche tries to pal around with her, but she just shoves him aside before wandering off. Now, the video quality is abysmal, so we can’t see the actors’ facial expressions. Maybe that shove was more playful than it looks, or maybe it was protective – Éponine trying to keep her little brother away from the unsavory “work” their parents force on her. But I wonder if they were trying to make Éponine still seem like a rude brat at first, like she was as a child, only to reveal her sympathetic side gradually through her love for Marius. I just wish I could see her face clearly to know for sure!

Honorable Mentions:

*In the Work Song, Martin Smith’s Valjean shielding the “I know she’ll wait…” convict from being beaten by the warden. Even before he meets the Bishop, we see his heroic instincts.

*In "Confrontation," Clive Carter's Javert taunting Valjean with a "Yes, bring it on!" hand gesture when Valjean first threatens him with the chair, only to skitter backward in shock and fear when Valjean reminds him of his strength by breaking it.

[sam-reid]

GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS

Tagged by: the lovely @covenofthearticulate <3

What’s the origin of your username?: take a wild guess LMAO

OTP(s) + ship name: i don't ship a ton of things, but loustat has been THE fave for the longest time. i've started to dip my toe into marius/lestat lately. outside of VC, i still love monchevy (i miss versailles!) and damen/laurent from the captive prince trilogy.

Favorite color: always black. my entire wardrobe is black. not a speck of colour to be found lmao

Song stuck in your head: satanized by ghost (it's only been out a few days and It's been in my head the whole time)

Weirdest habit/trait: i have habits but I don't think I have any weird ones?

Hobbies: writing, reading (i've been doing that a lot more this year which i'm proud of).

If you work, what’s your profession?: living that career break life atm, for my health (but i was previously working office jobs).

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?: uhh... something that offers a good work/life balance, pays decently and doesn't send me back to the doctor would be GREAT.

Something you’re good at: i like to think i'm a decent writer, even though i'm way too scared to post it on this blog or on ao3 LOL. but it's out there...

Something you hate: the state of current fandom and how it embraces puritan fascist-leaning ideology thinly disguised as ultra-progressive thinking. wanting creative censorship and treating others like pariahs and perpetrators of thought crime (not a thing) is making it a pure hellscape, and this is happening to every fandom. the dogs are whistling, people. as an aside, i'll also say the death of sincerity and intellectualism on the internet (here's a great video essay on it that sums up my feelings perfectly).

Something you collect: different editions of my favourite books, and not much else really!

Something you forget: that getting sucked into drama isn't worth it, and neither are the people who start it.

What’s your love language?: words of affirmation, i think. most of my friends live far away and i don't get to see them much, if at all, so even just checking in with them and asking how their day is and letting them know i love and appreciate them is important!

Favorite movie/show: right now, yellowjackets. if you're not watching, then holy shit please catch up. it's one of the best and most underrated shows currently airing. of course, i love amc's iwtv so much (it's a masterpiece in storytelling and a brilliant example of how to adapt something and make it feel nostalgic yet also original), but it's hard not to let the fandom taint my enjoyment sometimes. the newsreader and versailles are also faves that i keep going back to rewatch.

as for movies, it has to be 1994 iwtv. it's just so comforting and sentimental to me, and i still remember pretty much the entire script top to bottom, even though i haven't watched it in a while. also the og scream. i've seen both more times than i can count.

Favorite food: japanese food, hands down. i love a good japanese curry, and miso soup is the cure for everything. also tiramisu.

Favorite animal: bunnies!

What were you like as a child?: painfully shy (which i thankfully grew out of lol), and imaginative. i really loved to draw a lot, and that's something i'm sad i stopped doing, because i was pretty good at it at the time.

Favorite subject at school: art.

Least favorite subject: maths (yes, mathS, not math. i'm british lmao)

What’s your best character trait?: i like to think i'm not a judgemental person. i'm all for free thinking and y'know... having nuanced thoughts, and not looking at everything and everyone through a black and white lens.

What’s your worst character trait?: i have a hard time saying no to stuff, which i have to unlearn. also maybe being a little too opinionated and argumentative if my buttons are pushed. definitely just exuding scorpio energy haha

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?: i'm going to be super predictable and say anne rice, but back in the late 80s/early 90s. i would have loved to experienced the early years of the TVL ball and the gatherings at her garden district home, and be immersed in her world when TVL and TQOTD were first published. that particular time is so interesting to me as a long time reader

Tagging: @desertfangs @mariusderomanus

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 19: Lil' Beethoven (Ride 'Em Cowboy)

First of all, let this very important fact be known: the love I have for all three albums in the Lil' Beethoven trilogy cannot be overstated. I think I can safely call them my favourite pieces of art ever made. You know, when you look forward to something and it not only lives up to all your expectations but it's also just SO SO much more? Something about this neoclassical / dada / deconstruction of pop music / whatever-you-should-even-call-it approach is absolutely PERFECTLY suited for my tastes, and I didn't even know I was looking for something EXACTLY like this until I found it.

I think the circumstances of my first hearing of this album are pretty funny and something I got pretty lucky with actually (I often think about this with Sparks in general, as much as I wish I've known about them sooner I also do feel like they appeared in my life when I needed that the most. But anyway.) I was very eagerly looking forward to hearing it and finally seeing for myself what the genius of this album is all about. But I insisted that I can only do it through a physical format because yesss, let's make it even more *special*! The moment I've been waiting for! So yeah let's gooo, I need to wait until my CD arrives in the mail (that was one of the longest weeks of my life). And then I started to wonder, well, maybe I actually won't like it that much. To hype myself up to this extent and then be severly dissapointed - would have sucked!

Well, I was NOT dissapointed. Instead I was perplexed, confused, but also very intrigued and quite, ok not just quite, *completely* amazed already. That was the initial reaction and I think it's a rare but very beautiful moment when this happens - no need to *fully* grasp it right away, but enough to be all like "oh that was SOMETHING. I need more." As I said after that first listen (and I actually have my whole LIVE reaction to hearing LB written down lmao, that's how much of a big deal this was for me), I felt like it actually has to grow on me a bit still, gradually but surely with each next listen, rather than the 1st listen being THE prime listening experience. And that was very true! But it wasn't even gradual, it was very fast, seriously. And something very important that stood out to me right away too were the melodies - something about them, and that continues into HYL and ECOTD too. It's this classic feeling of: this always existed, or at least it feels like I've known it for years already. And as I listen more and become more familiar with them the magic still grows.

It's of course no coincidence to me that an album that relies so much on extreme levels of repetition is so addicting, even hypnotising. And once upon a time I thought that I couldn't like something that's too repetitive and therefore could be considered monotonous or "predictable". But nothing is predictable about LB actually. (Besides... ok, I'll get to that one bit later). But yeah, it's good for the brain. And it's been said before by others but this music definitely has this certain neurodivergent appeal thanks to all this, and, well, I love that aspect of it so much and I definitely relate to it on some level that goes even deeper than just song topics and instrumentation choices. It's in the structure and the fundaments of it all too.

I legally can't finish this without a dedicated paragraph to the 2004 Live In Stockholm performance because HOLY SHIT. Feeling so lucky again that all three of these albums got this treatment and we have recordings of these half-concert-half-performance-art pieces that we can now marvel at. I will say that like, a pretty big part of the sum of the appeal that LB has as an album is stored in this show and its visual and narrative elaboration on its themes. And also it's just so fun to watch! Sometimes I thought about how this might be an even better introduction to LB / this era of Sparks / Sparks in general than the actual album but well, never had a chance to test that and you know. Maybe shouldn't recommend Sparks with one of the most leftfield things there is to be found from them. Either way, very good, very important, felt like experiencing the power of LB for the first time all over again.

So now, please hear my exact reasonings for why I so deeply love (almost) every single one of these songs......

The Rhythm Thief

NO song made such a big impression on me the first time I heard it as this. I might have gotten more used to it after all this time but man, The Rhythm Thief, you will always be the realest one to me. This is what made me look forward to the whole album so much and convinced me that it would be like nothing else I've heard before. And that turned out to be so very beautifully true!

How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?

I could listen to this one a hundred times in a row over and over and not get sick of it one bit. That's it, idk what else to add, beautiful and ethereal in every way

What Are All These Bands So Angry About?

Mostly I just want to direct everyone's attention to the bridge section, at the 2:26-2:52 time mark, which as far as I can say is the most heavenly piece of music ever made. Feeling like that Winnie The Pooh soul leaving his body gif each time I hear this

I Married Myself

Aromantic anthem, to me. Not that much to say actually but it's just, a very sweet and pretty song even when it might be taken as just this sort of ironic piece, I think it's this situation where a song can be taken more or less literally and it doesn't lose anything, rather the sincerity takes on a new sort of meaning? Because yes, maybe this hyperbolic situation (marrying yourself) COULD be the solution to the heartbreak of failed relationships. Ever thought about that??? Ok, stopping right here and leaving my I Married Myself analysis for another day

Ride 'Em Cowboy

My mind is blank on this one suddenly. But it's so good believe me. I love it a lot. It just has this LB spirit that makes it very addicting to listen to

My Baby's Taking Me Home

This was sort of the first Sparks song I've ever heard, or maybe that I quote-unquote purposefully listened to, and I think that's pretty important considering that it was the moment that ultimately lead to... all this. This song has always been incredibly beautiful and powerful to me, but lately it just makes me emotional to an extent that makes it hard to listen to most of the time. I WOULD sell all my material possessions for even one chance to experience this song live by the way

Your Call Is Very Important To Us. Please Hold

Earns soooo much as a live version, but even without that I think it's genius in the same way as The Rhythm Thief, and maybe the most disquieting piece here overall... If we ignore the next one maybe

Ugly Guys With Beautiful Girls

Sitting there hearing the intro of this song all like "huh, this is so chill and calm... too calm..." and then being hit with, well, everything that's going on in this song afterwards was truly THE MOMENT back in the day (and re: the predictability thing. idk though, it's not like, really an issue). Later on I decided that this sort of narrative nature of the song makes it have less replayability value than the rest (???) but I abandoned that opinion soon enough, thank god. I love it how long it took me to realize that this song and the ending of MBTMH are the only times when drums appear on this entire album (I mean no, I'm not very proud of that fact actually, as the self-proclaimed biggest LB fan in my area. And The Rhythm Thief literally saying "say goodbye to the beat"... come on man). So yes, sometimes less is more! I adore this song now it's such a treat I would gladly terrorize my neighbours with it

Suburban Homeboy

Ok, I'm sorry Suburban Homeboy fans but this is the only song here that I'm not a HUGE fan of. I still think it's brilliant and an incredibly fitting ending for the whole thing - the mood whiplash is amazing as this is the only "vaguely happy sounding" song on here, per my words from months back. And what's better than yelling WE ARE THE SUBURBAN HOMEBOYS! (I'm actually awaiting today's Sparks karaoke rating reveal very impatiently lol the reveal happened before I posted this and I'm very happy about it)

One more actually, a quick word on Wunderbar because it gave us two things that we might have not been able to do without: 1) this whole album actually (the fact that LB exists because of Wunderbar giving the Maels the idea to continue meddling with this style. Up there as one of my fav pieces of Sparks trivia) 2) anddddd the 21×21 performance of it of course

[crumblinggothicarchitecture]

"If the freshmen can handle learning it- surely Swift could also be able to learn and improve the thing she does as a job? Right? No?"

Yup!!!! That perfectly sums up the past 15 years!

It's so mind boggling to me that her work is still so juvenile and disjointed after years of being spoon fed every resource she could possibly need. Her learning curve is a flat line despite everybody and their mother trying to prop it up, goddamn.

Yes exactly! - This is something I find particularly interesting about Taylor Swift.

How is it possible that nearly twenty years into her career there is no marked improvement in her writing style?

She has had every possible resource on Earth available to her- and yet she does not bother to learn anything.

I really believe that she thinks herself infallible- and therefore in no need of a teacher. I mean- let's be honest, she thinks herself so amazing that people should pay her money just to hear her first drafts and voice memo notes on songs. Everything she touches turns to gold- apparently.

It's plain arrogance to my mind. As I have had nearly a decade worth of college education under my belt, I have been working in my field for years now; however, I live always with the implicit understanding that I am yet at the base of a mountain.

Every book I read- Every new thing I learn, and I am struck again and again that, as a scholar, I am a mere student struggling up the mountain of knowledge from those who lived and died before I ever was a breath of life.

The more knowledgeable I become the more aware I am of how much I have yet to learn.

Why is this not the case with Taylor Swift? I blame arrogance- self-righteous assurance that you are the best of the best will only ever lead people to believe they have nothing to learn from others- and they no longer need to have the self-discipline to continue evolving their craft.

If you really think about it, most of the people who are told that they are a young prodigy suffer this particular delusion. Then they wonder why they never improve, and feel like they are stuck in immaturity, while others- who have had to work harder for the same level of adulation always seem to continue to grow, evolve, and become better.

It's sad- in a way.

[jacqueline-p-rose]

In this year I finally ditched Spotify for good in favour of rebuilding my music library offline and, since May, I have been collecting again the music that was lost to time in the great iPod crash of 2016. 98% of the music I listen to now are mp3s on my phone (using the Poweramp app), and most of those songs are ripped from CDs bought cheaply and secondhandly from eBay. I feel that I listen to music differently from the yoothes in that I put on an entire album and listen to it through, so in light of the recent flight from Spotify in hand with my unsuppressed FOMO, I've decided to give you my top ten albums of 2024. So hear, my Not-ify Wrapped 2024!

1 - Antemasque - Antemasque

This is the real reason it's a list of top ten albums and not top ten songs, because the top 12 most played songs on my list are the 12 songs on this album. It's great, not only my favourite album of (2014) 2024, but one of my favourite of all time. I wrote a little more about why here if you're feeling read-y.

2 - London Grammar - If You Wait

A classic of a specifically difficult time in my life, brought back into another increasingly difficult time of my life. "Interlude" specifically gets to me and makes me cry, and you KNOW how I love to cry!

3 - Soundgarden - Superunknown

When I first heard Soundgarden as a pre-teen I remember thinking it was a bit too heavy for me, like... Too metal. It's taken being in my 30s to finally appreciate this bad boy. I don't know what I was thinking back then, maybe I was as soft as un-moulded jelly, but it's now one of my favourite albums of all time.

4 - Le Butcherettes - Sin Sin Sin

A prize for accepting the challenge of trying new things. I love how perfectly this slots in alongside The Dead Weather, while being far more interesting. Beautiful, beautiful, wonderful thing to come into my life.

5 - Boys Next Door - Door Door

Nick Cave was a better father to me than my real father. This album (along with Henry's Dream with the Black Seeds) I have plucked from the nostalgia of dads cigarette-ridden Pajero and claimed as my own. I hope my children have a more positive memory of it in future.

6 - Made Out Of Babies - The Ruiner

Made Out Of Babies is my answer if someone were to ask me what my favourite band is, so it's a little surprising to me to see it so low down on the list, although it's really an even match for play count with most of the other stuff on this list. The Ruiner and Trophy are a fantastic extrapolation of 90's grunge into the new millennia. Coward I don't like so much, maybe I'll appreciate it the same one day, but it is not today.

7 - Warpaint - Warpaint/Exquisite Corpse/The Fool

Really it's only Warpaint that is this high on the list, but I'm including the other two because I often play them all in a row. These are very new purchases to be on the list at all, but my partner likes it so I can get away with playing it during the day. Drone-pop my beloved.

8 - Spectacular Spectacular - Blur

This album is always left off those lists of trans musicians that get shared about tumblr, which is a shame. It's not screamy punk or noisy synth so maybe it gets overlooked amongst the GLOSS and HERS and Against Me! types, but there are other trans experiences and expressions, and this is one. Beautiful and heartfelt, a must listen when I'm sad about boys (which is often).

9 - Audioslave - Audioslave

Though often thought of by the cool kids as less than the sum of its parts, I really dig Audioslave. Just because it plays on the radio doesn't mean you can't enjoy it too, loose your grip on ego and enjoy yourself, I know I am.

10 - Portishead - Portishead/Dummy

Some guy I used to work with put on Portishead one day and was crestfallen when I said "I used to cry to this as a lovesick teenager." He clearly thought he had found something super obscure and was proud of himself for showing it off. Serves him right for playing "Sour Times" the day after I broke up with my girlfriend.

Honourary mention - Adam And The Ants - Kings Of The Wild Frontier

The reason I say 98% of my music is offline is because I listen to Adam Ant a lot on Youtube. This album seems impossible to find as a CD for some reason, even though it was reissued in 2004. It's on Spotify, but I've been struggling to find a copy of it off the streams, so while it's not in my top 10 from Poweramp, it is top 10 in my heart.

So there you have it, my top 10 albums of 2024. There are at least another five albums I would have thought would be on this list and aren't, but I guess the stats don't lie. In an era where Spotify doesn't pay artists unless they get over 1000 listens, and even then their cut is split with the giants till it's almost nothing, I think there's no better time to cut the umbilical to constant access and be more intentional about the music we listen to and the artists we support. I buy digital albums from Bandcamp when I can, but even when I'm buying old CDs at least I'm actually getting something for my $15 a month. The wait for them to arrive in the mail and the space they take up means that I have to be very deliberate about what music I enjoy and will actively choose to listen to, and that makes me enjoy them more. Sitting with the album cover reading through the booklet as it rips onto my hard drive and plays in the background is very grounding, in a way it gives me confidence in other life decisions, it's small practice in making choices and expressing intention, and being rewarded for it. I highly recommend you to try this too, and maybe next year your wrapped will be music you have had a connection with and felt something about, and not just a bunch of songs you listened to without thinking.

[yuseirra]

MEPHISTO IS FREAKING KAMIKI'S SONG...It's revolving entirely around Ai........just one single person. That being is the speaker's all. They can give everything and more as long as Ai comes back to life, they're incapable of thinking otherwise now

If this is Aqua's it means what mattered to him most was Ai in the end, it doesn't make sense considering he thought of Sarina-Ruby and associated her with Ai as he thought of them both in his dreams. Ai isn't his one single reason for everything(unless somehow.. In the added pages in the manga he goes oh no I actually loved Ai all along as a girl!! She's my everything and I want to be her!!) this isn't Aqua.

I think the feelings that this song has leans heavily on the romantic side, it's directed towards the speaker's lover. It's kind of vague tbh, it could have been about Aqua being so guilt-ridden but with 'Fatal' thrown into the mix I got the nuance right away. Those two songs are saying the same thing, it's just that Fatal's become even more warped and intensifed. It's the same person who's singing those songs.

They are totally heads over heels over this one single person who's their reason of living and that just. Perfectly matches Kamiki's state of heart thinking he was only alive when Ai was there with him(what a sad life he had;; that means his life before he met her was terrible and it was despair after she was gone too???)

Yeah I think about this whenever I listen to mephisto, that song is so sorrowful... That man misses his dead girlfriend so much. He wanted to die in her place. If you take this as Aqua then it gets a lil creepy because Ai IS his mother and he had other people he had romantic interests in, needless to say he also has Ruby who became his reason to do what he'd done. And the conclusion would be his most important person was still always Ai and that he can throw everything for her(I think there is someone like that for Aqua, but that'd be Sarina)

Or seeing how Ruby became a liar in the end, could be Aqua's feelings for Ruby as well as Hikaru's feelings for Ai? But it would still NOT explain the collecting lights part and I forgot who I lived as, and I will become you bit. The born from the abyss and all. If it's Hikaru it just sums everything up perfectly including the way the song ends

Mephisto is freaking Kamiki's song.

[ja-khajay]

Tagged by @ervona to post about 5 songs I've been listening to lately! Making a little mix and match playlist based on the half dozen tracks on my phone and songs I've recently discovered. I will detail a bit about each under the cut :)

Nouar - Cheika Rimitti (rai)

Twilight of the Thunder god - Amon Amarth (metal)

What's Golden - Jurassic 5 (hiphop)

Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel (pop)

Potions - Puscifer (? rock ?)

NOUAR

A few months ago, the combination of discovering a rai playlist on Spotify based on an artist I listen to with friends and another discovery of a radio station that exclusively plays north african and middle eastern music, the latter which became my go-to listen on the way from work for a while, I discovered this specific track. It's a huge niche hit, unknown to the general public but racking up in the millions of views online among fans of the genre and it's easy to see why! This is an absolutely hypnotic track which cleverly layers it's intrument with a catchy sung melody, periodically cut by the rythmic choir repeating its title. The main singer in the dialog has an outstanding voice and this all makes for a looping, hooking listening experience that makes you want to play it forever.

Twilight of the Thunder God

In a very different vibe, we have a track that perfectly matches it's overdesigned, historically based (yet inaccurate) cheesy madness of an album cover. This is the only song if this band I'm familiar with as a big hit. Power metal is among some of my favorite genres of music of all time, especially in it's overbearing energy and gratuitous use of double-pedals on the kick drum, fast bass and general theatrics. While I'm not a fan of growled vocals, this track compensates in my mind with one of THE catchiest hooks I know of in the genre. When I listen to TofTG, it's because I suddently remember it one day and get instantly compelled to download it on my phone and scream its lyrics at the sky until it leaves my head where it's stuck. This can take weeks...

What's Golden

Yet another radio discovery! I'm shamefully bad at hiphop, despite liking the genre a lot, no-one around me listened to it for ages so I don't have similar backlog as in other genres and as such as a grown adult am discovering it all with enthusiasm. This song sums up so many aspects I love in the genre which i'll definitly be using to nail what specific sub-genres are my favorite some day... catchy with a great flow and an instrumental that hooks you, it's impossible to not nod along to the beat and drop what I'm doing to listen to the full thing when it comes up on my playlist.

Sledgehammer

Yeah yeah it's a classic you all know it. And for a reason! This is one of, if not the only song I know which I can't separate from it's music video. I typically dislike MVs and prefer listening to music in pure audio format, but Sledgehammer comes with such a well crafted, wlel synched and creative film attached that it's always playing in my head when I hear it. This song was introduced to me by a mutual a few years ago which I'll be tagging in this post later as a thank you! I don't get its appeal as a dancey song, but it's definitly a track to dramatically walk to, which is probably the appeal the rest of this site sees in Once in a Lifetime...

Potions

For the nerds in the audience, this is a Reznor and Maynard collab so you know what you're getting into. The first thing that strikes me in this track is how loud the bass is - it turns the classic rock instrumental it's made from into something else that's just slightly overwhelming. And on top of that, very delicate vocals detail a raw, simple story of love and addiction. Where I chose this song above the many others of the band I'd been listening to a lot last month is this particular theme it has fits very well with a book series I'm reading right now, and it was easy for me to let my mind fly away with it on...:)

***

Runner ups: The Shame Of Life - Butthole Surfers / Ai vist to Lop - Mont-Jòia / Feuer Frei! - Rammstein / For me, Formidable - Charles Aznavour / It Mek - Desmond Dekker & the Aces

***

Tagging, your turn! @steamclouds @prolibytherium @internationalspacehobo @paristonhilll

[simplylove101]

2024 Horror Challenge: [42/?]

↳“The juice is loose!" Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024) dir. Tim Burton

Plot: After a family tragedy, three generations of the Deetz family return home to Winter River. Still haunted by Beetlejuice, Lydia's life is turned upside down when her teenage daughter, Astrid, accidentally opens the portal to the Afterlife.

Starring: Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara, Justin Theroux, Monica Bellucci, Arthur Conti, Jenna Ortega & Willem Dafoe

I feel bad I'm only just now reviewing this movie because I definitely had watched it twice before its release on digital and had more than plenty of things to say about it but oh well. lol I think it's because sometimes I forget to think of the original movie as a horror since it doesn't scare me at all but I adore it just the way it is. That said, while this one didn't scare me too much either, the horror aspect gets a little more heightened with the assistance of Monica Bellucci's character & her powers since it was a little like, whoa dark. lol I kept going back and forth about whether to go see it in theaters or not because people kept being negative about it and saying it'd be a shitty sequel but I decided to let nostalgia win that battle. I was mostly glad I did in a way??? lol As I said, I later watched it again in theaters about two weeks later since my dad really wanted to go see it since he's a big fan of Michael Keaton and I enjoyed parts of it enough to be willing for a round 2. The truth is, yes, it's not as classic as the original movie for a good number of people, myself included (I have seen that some people prefer it though so that's interesting), but I wouldn't say that makes it awful or a waste of time. There were still moments I really liked and I didn't mind paying to see it in the theater at all. As my dad declared at the end of movie, "Well, now that was rather mildly entertaining... But I was a little disappointed. Hmm." I feel like that sums up perfectly what my initial thoughts were. lol I think my core issue with it is the pacing. It feels like it takes a good while to really get going since they certainly take the time to have us play catch-up with Lydia and her family, which didn't really feel needed the way they chose to go about it. Meanwhile, once it does get going, there's like multiple plots going on (Beetlejuice trying to get Lydia to free him, Astrid having her own major storyline, Monica Belluci's character looking for Beetlejuice, etc.) but none of them feel like they're getting the proper time to cook right since it took so long with the exposition, the other characters, and then there's the filler stuff. Now, I love fun filler stuff. I don't hate fun. lol This is a Beetlejuice movie, so you gotta have that. And I know Tim Burton loves a music moment, I do too. You knew there'd at least be one after the first one had the truly classic scene with "Day-O" but it felt like there was too much of that kinda thing in this sequel for me, at least the length of time dedicated to that stuff over plot. I just wish the editor had been able to trim some things down a bit because it managed to feel a lot longer than a basically 90 minutes movie. Anyway, I'm gonna stop being so negative and go back to how there were things I liked about it, despite my complaints. The cast was wonderful, Michael Keaton once again killing it as the iconic Beetlejuice. It did feel like they could have used Jenna Ortega a little better but maybe it's just cuz it kinda felt like they wrote Astrid a little one-note at times. Idk. lol I still laughed plenty and the music choices themselves were fun (Though my dad kept saying "Why did they have to use 'MacArthur Park' for the big moment?? That song sucks" XD) It was nice to be in this wacky world again even with different characters included. Also, no spoilers, but that nightmare sequence at the end was classic horror comedy goodness and I dug it so much. lol There's probably more I could say but I think I'll stop here by saying that even though I wanted to like it so much more than I actually did, I still had fun. It is hardly the worst sequel ever and is deserving of its blockbuster success. I'm glad it didn't get the streaming treatment.

[lipslikethegardensofbabylon]

#ttpd analysis day six - But Daddy I Love Him

this track to me feels like the longest, epic/story wise. i’ll break it down a little more but i feel like of all the tracks, this one encompasses a few distinct time frames.

I forget how the West was won/I forget if this was ever fun is almost a call back to but there's robbers to the East, clowns to the West so the setting references living in the limelight and the public perception (and respectively, the loud scrutiny).

Sarahs and Hannahs in their Sunday best/clutching their pearls, sighing, "what a mess" i cannot say how much i love taylor’s description of virtue signaling, she perfectly sums it up later as vipers (vipersss) dressed in empaths clothing and, my personal favorite, sanctimoniously performing soliloquies I'll never see

okay so for the time frame differences, the track overall touches on what i believe are two-three separate muses -

past tense: dutiful daughter, all my plans were laid, tendrils tucked into a woven braid. to me this reads the same as like a postcard picture perfect shiny family/all the pieces fall right into place, essentially this (at that time) was the plan for a neatly organized life together

past tense: he was chaos, he was revelry, bedroom eyes like a remedy*. in contrast to the previous lyric, this is a 180 from the clean cut description in the previous lyric; a more unpredictable future, but still past tense

present/future: no, you can't come to the wedding/I know he's crazy, but he's the one I want

*in that same vein, the lyric bedroom eyes like a remedy makes me think of I took the miracle move on drug, the effects were temporary which just furthers the belief that this is all past tense

as a side note, there’s something about this song (and The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived) that remind me of ‘tis the damn season. idk if i feel that they occurred in the same AU but there’s definitely an undercurrent happening -

there's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles/the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm faking

I'm telling him to floor it through the fences; just screeching tires and true love/the road not taken looks real good now

growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all/just for old times' sake

all the wine mom’s is another lyric that makes me go lol but i think this lyric is poking fun at the fact that unfortunately, some women are still rooting to see another woman fail. so to identify them as wine mom’s already colors the demographic of haters as people unhappy with their own lives (ie people using substances to dull or enhance their reality)

as a side note, time, doesn’t it give some perspective? makes me think of time, curious time / time, wondrous time but in a later track on the album there’s also a reference to this lyric

i love that this track is so taylor in that it’s choosing to go with your heart 100%, despite all the (retroactive?) red flags/white noise. as an end, two standout lyrics that summarize this track are:

I'll tell you something about my good name, it's mine alone to disgrace and you ain’t gotta pray for me

[oh-my-wolfstar]

Taylor Swift Wolfstar songs day 37

Today’s song will be Long Story Short from evermore. It’s pov Sirius post Azkaban but it is happier and more hopeful, it’s what would have happened if they survived through the war.

Fatefully I tried to pick my battles 'til the battle picked me Misery Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep

Sirius tried not to fight with Remus, he tried to pick his battles but how could he when his life had become a war zone. He argued with himself all the time, a mental war of grief and suspicion raging inside, fed by the world he lived in.

And you passed right by I was in the alley, surrounded on all sides The knife cuts both ways If the shoe fits, walk in it 'til your high heels break

Remus never truly saw what was happening to Sirius, and Sirius knows. He never knew how he ended up in the right place at the wrong time. But it hurt them both just the same, the way the world forced Sirius to be something he never was and never would be.

Actually I always felt I must look better in the rear view Missing me At the golden gates they once held the keys to

Sirius always felt that everyone liked him better when he was gone, he wondered if Remus ever realized what they had till it was taken away. When I dropped my sword I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door And we live in peace But if someone comes at us This time, I'm ready

But when Sirius gave up the war he had never stopped fighting he ran to Remus. He ended the years of massacring himself to be happy, to believe he deserved that at least. And this time he won’t let war tear them apart.

No more keepin' score now I just keep you warm No more tug of war now I just know there's more

Sirius is done second guessing the people he loves, he’s done letting the world dictate his heart. Now he only wants to be with Remus, because he knows there more in love than there will ever be in war.

Now I'm all about you I'm all about you, ah Yeah, yeah I'm all about you

Now Sirius is all in, he’s done not trusting anyone. Now he’s going to trust Remus and the love they have with all his heart.

I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things Your nemeses Will defeat themselves before you get the chance to swing

Sirius wants to tell Remus to let the petty fights go because the war will end with or without them. They will aid the effort but they will no longer let it consume them.

And I fell from the pedestal Right down the rabbit hole Long story short, it was a bad time Pushed from the precipice Climbed right back up the cliff Long story short, I survived

And Sirius knows why they shouldn’t become the war they fight. He knows because he paid the price, lost twelve years of his life and was marked a traitor. He spent his youth fighting, he lost his youth to Azkaban. And in there he lost everything, bushed to the brink of madness. But he pulled himself back together, mended his broken soul and learned to love without fight. He came back from hell and went to his love; because long story short he survived.

actually, I’ve been having fun exploring life after Azkaban and during the second Wizard war, it’s so interesting to think about all the things that Sirius lost, and the way he was able to come back. I think long story short sums that up perfectly.

[paper--machete]

Re: Your tags on the post about writing you love, I'd love to hear your breakdown of music you like? Either "how do you personally breakdown music" OR "Here's a breakdown of a specific song/album"

well for example something I've always seen as very important when it comes to albums is sequencing, i.e. the order that the songs are put in on an album. in theory this shouldn't matter at all but sometimes putting the songs in just the right order can push an album to be so much greater

like for example a good opener can set the tone, but imo the greater task belongs to the opening three-track run to let the listener know what to expect from the rest of the album. a great example of this is death grips' the money store- track 1 is get got, one of the groups notably more lowkey songs with ride doing a much more toned down style of vocals. track 2 is the fever (aye aye), where ride brings out his usual angry-screaming vocal delivery but it's backed up by arguably one of the band's best hooks ever. track 3 is lost boys which is probably the weirdest they get on the whole album. the money store essentially does a perfect job of welcoming an unassuming listener into the world of death grips; it understands they're difficult to get into and organizes itself to become more accessible. it's kind of a winning formula tbh- track 1 is the opener, track 2 is the lead single, and then track 3 uses its similarities and differences with the first two songs to communicate the overall vibe. QOTSA almost always uses this formula; rated R, songs for the deaf and era vulgaris follow it pretty perfectly

as far as the full album goes I think it's important to take into account variety and sameness. one thing that always kills me when checking out albums I haven't heard before is when too many songs in a row are sonically similar and they all just blend together. I think a great album sequences it's tracklist in a way that every song plays off of the one that came before it. the new Kendrick Lamar album GNX did this really well imo. here's a summary of the tracklist for example-

confrontational and imposing opener

high energy banger

low energy chill song

low energy artsy song

low energy banger

mid energy artsy song

MUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

chill banger

mid energy chill song

mid energy artsy song

weird song

very pretty and grandiose closer

the energy and vibes are always switching it up on a song by song basis, and no two songs of the same vibe are back to back. not to say you can't pull this off on an album, but I find it's so much more satisfying when an album is always trying to keep you interested and invested

I think the thing I've really come to appreciate lately with music though is execution; does this song/album do a good job of pulling off the idea it wanted to. I recently became a huge fan of arcade fire's 2017 album Everything Now which everyone haaaaaaated when it came out back then because the thesis statement of the album was "phone bad" backed up by a more electronic-disco-pop inspired shift in sound. but revisiting it today I feel like everything about that album was deliberately and perfectly executed to sell that album's ideas; Everything Now is sarcastic, it's commercial, it's electronic, and it's so so tired of capitalist life. the production from daft punk's Thomas Bangalter, the cheesy and at times cringe inducing lyrics from win butler, the deliberate shift towards pop sensibilities, all of it comes together to make Everything Now into a complete work that is greater than the sum of its parts

my train of thought stops here but basically there really is a lot more to music than what you're hearing. so many external factors play into how you end up interpreting it for yourself and me, personally, I'm trying to max that shit out. read David Byrne's book How Music Works if you want to go insane like me (I only read half of it but a lot of what he says really helped open my mind to eventually think about music this way)

[itsblasttothepast]

Yes it's me! And please don't worry, I understand perfectly, don't feel obligated to post it, I just ask as to not overwhelm you with the asks <3

I wanted to present you the song I found by an accident - Only a Lifetime by Finneas and make it chestappen in my delulu mind (I know it's a song for his family but please let me be delulu)

"How do you know/If you've done everything right?/Is it the love you have at hand/Or the cash you kiss at night?"

Doesn't it just sum up the whole RBR thing? Sergio made many career choices that were questionable and he always had a bad luck in choosing his teams but he always did everything with passion and full devotion - because he races for himself and for his loved ones and for his entire country. I wonder if he ever questioned if the hate and lonliness are really worth it. Because being in top team is amazing but for what price? Max too, I can imagine him wondering what his life would be like without Red Bull or if he really switched teams (and maybe just maybe contemplating if he done right with Checo, if Brazil 2022 wasn't a mistake, if the friendship is enough etc.)

"How do you know/If it was worth it in the end?/Did every second really count?/Or were there some you should've spent/On anything but anyone you love?"

This especially rings for Checo, who had to leave his family and go fight for his future in an unknown place, completly alone - and I know he would say it was worth it, the same way Max would say that everything Jos did was worth it in the end but I would really want to know what's going on inside their heads regarding the issue - if Checo never regreted leaving Mexico or if Max ever regreted his childhood.

"Was this the life that you were dreaming of?/A movie night, a yellow light/You're slowing down and days are adding up"

Sergio says he is fine at RBR but was it really what he was dreaming about? Being the so called second driver attacked from every side by the media and "fans"? Time is passing and both him and Max said they can't be in the sport forever (the "there was RBR before us and there will be when we leave" from Checo hurt more than I thought it could) and we all know with every race the end is closer (especially with Helmut saying shit every weekend and THERE STILL BEING RUMOURS ABOUT 2025).

"So don't waste the time you have/Waiting for time to pass"

Checo was trying to warn RBR about the issues for so long that it's impossible he isn't feeling helpless now when the faults of the car caught up to them and everyone says it was inevitable and/or blaming him for everything. He wants to end his career on a high but we don't know if RBR would let him, the same goes for Max - he said many times he's there for win and he must feel awful with RBR right now.

"It's only a lifetime, that's only a while/It's not worth the anger you felt as a child"

That's so Chestappen coded it hurts - Sergio being alone in Germany and doing everything he can to get into F1 and then achiving that only to be met with hate and racism for no reason at all, he must've been angry for at least a little moment before he decided it's not worth it and Max, do I really need to say why he had reasons to be angry as a child? He is so calm it's impressive and he is so down to earth despite everything and he knows F1 isn't everything (and most drivers get that when they are already past their prime).

"Don't waste the time you have/Waiting for time to pass/It's only a lifetime, that's not long enough/You're not gonna like it without any love, so don't waste it"

It's just a beautiful line that makes me tear up but regarding Chestappen - Max and Sergio are incredibly strong in face of all the criticism and hate they got throughout their careers and they are just so kind to everyone, because being hateful wouldn't bring them anything.

"It's family and friends and that's the truth/The fountain doesn't give you back your youth"

The love they both have for their families and friends is very similiar even if their backgrounds are wastly different; they know what is important in life and they would do a lot to protect it.

"It's staying up too late at night and laughin' under kitchen lights/So hard, you start to cry"

Isn't that what they do? The PR challanges are teribble and yet they make the most of the time spent together, they laugh at each others jokes as if it was the funniest thing on earth, they make the bad moments nice and I love it.

Oh no, you don't overwhelm me! On the contrary, you make my day! I love music and you have such a nice taste and headcanons, like writing songfics!

The voice of this singer is amazing, btw, I hadn't hear him before, but honestly, I'm looking at his videos on YT after hearing 'Only a lifetime'.

I think there was a part of Checo's that regretted not going back to México when things weren't working out when he was 15. He was racing on small teams that hardly were standing. It's a tiny, tiny part, but it's there (like when sometimes we wonder how our life could have gone differently). As for Max, to be honest I think he's living his childhood now, enjoying the races and the dynamics, with toys and playmates (it sounds weird, I know). In fact many think Checo is like a father figure to Max, since he gives all this Dad energy.

I honestly can't understand why Checo wants to stay at RBR. He's not family there, they don't want him and they show him race after race. I think the only person who really appreciate him it's Max.

Which makes the song so right in the feels, they are trying their best! I just want to see them smile v.v

Hey, do you have a Billie Eilish song you think fit Chestappen? I'm suddenly find myself loving her, but I probably haven't heard many songs.

Do you ship Lewis? If you have a Chewis song, I'll also appreciate it! There are so few I feel they fit them.