#and this is a burden he has to carry himself and quite literally nobody else can relate bc nobody else is in his position

[mxnyxxngx]

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[chrollo-lucilfers-chains]

Currently thinking about....

Homelander, who visits the beach with his s/o and seems just a little too obsessed with their cute beach outfit. His oversized t-shirt and their swimsuit underneath make him feel like he's doing something forbidden just by looking at them.

But he loves it. He'll just have to make sure nobody else is watching!

No, he's not jealous, don't be ridiculous. He's just making sure there's no incidents so flying the two of you to the most secluded beach, on the most secluded island he knows isn't overdoing it at all.

Homelander, whose s/o is well aware that his skin is resistant to literal fire but pretends not to know and indulges him by lavishly massaging sunscreen into his broad shoulders and tanned back.

"Babe, you missed a spot!" He complains, pouting in a way he would never even dare to show in front of paparazzi.

"Huh? Where...?" You ask, interrupted by him gently pulling you on top of his lap.

"My chest, of course! You want me to do it myself? I'm gonna burn!!" You laugh at his antics but indulge him. Don't worry, he'll gladly rub sunscreen wherever you need in return as well.

Homelander, who doesn't quite comprehend why you're a little scared of the big waves back there in the deeper water but who still wants to go inside with you, so he lets you sit on his shoulders.

"This way you can just relax, I won't let you fall."

He does, however, throw you in when you're back in the more shallow are, laughing as you burst through the surface, looking like a drenched, angry little kitten.

But, because he's such a good boyfriend, of course he'll help you dry yourself with the towel by snatching it out of your hands and doing it himself with a content smirk. He even helps you warm up, letting you lay on his chest, bathing in the sun together.

Homelander, who feels like he can finally relax a little for the first time in his life because the only person he has to keep safe right now is you. And, as there are no people anywhere nearby, the most he has to do is protect you from sunburn by shielding you with his hands or carefully placing the towel to cover your head so you can nap safely, resting peacefully on top of him. His one hand rests over the towel on your head to keep it from slipping off, while he's caressing your lower back with the thumb of his other one. But all that is done willingly and gladly for you. It's no burden. Not to him. Not if it's you.

Homelander flying you two back to his apartment for a tired shower together to wash away all that sand and who carries you to bed when you almost fall asleep while brushing your teeth, energy spent over the course of the exciting day.

Homelander, who holds your exhausted body happily in his arms after tucking himself in next to you, cuddling you close in your shared bed. He feels content, which is rare for him but becoming increasingly frequent with you.

Homelander, who admires your sleeping face in the dimly lit room and who can't help but let himself drift away as well with you tightly tucked into his arms.

Honestly, what a spoiled boyfriend you have. But beach days might've just become your favorite type of date...

(So much self indulgence hehehe)

[wilhelmsbee]

Okay honestly? I'll just take you up on that offer because I'm obsessed with your edits in general, but if you ever feel like talking some more about that Wilhelm edit you did to the song Ribs by Lorde??? Would love that because that edit lives rent-free in my head! (no pressure though, I just like the idea of like... director's commentary or something for edits haha)

I HOPE EVERYONE IS READY FOR ME TO BE INSANELY DEEP ABOUT THIS EDIT OH MY GOD

preface: i talk ab why i chose each scene for the lyrics, then colouring/font, idk if this is the directors commentary you wanted but like this is how I think about all my edits

We're reeling through the midnight streets- initially, I actually wanted to start it on the this dream isn't feeling sweet line but it just didn't fit in instagrams 1-minute time frame ANYWAY This scene has always been the most painful to me. Wilhelm realises at this moment that he's truly, undeniably alone in his life. Everyone he trusts (or is supposed to trust) has left him, and he has nobody left to go to. He's alone, going through his own personal hell, finding out his only family cares more about public perception than him as a person. It's like the beginning of the worst spiral we see from Wilhelm. Its quite a literal scene-to-lyric moment, but also the we're part feels (to me) like him-as-well-as his public self. Crown Prince Wilhelm and Wille are such separate parts, and its all he has left.

And I've never felt more alone- The THERAPY SCENE! Specifically this is the I think it's better not knowing how it could feel scene, because that truly is the most heartbreaking viewpoint I've ever seen from a character. It was better not being in love because I couldn't miss it. He might be getting closer to the other boys in the secret society, as well as Felice, but he's not really breaking past the surface level with anyone. Not even Felice knows the depths of his pain, he keeps it all to himself. The loneliness crushes him, he wishes he didn't know how love felt. As far as he's concerned, he's never loving someone else again (true) and he's never going to be able to love Simon again (false). In this moment there's this feeling of emptiness. He has nothing he actually cares about, and he wishes that he never cared in the first place.

It feels so scary, getting old- He wasn't supposed to fill this role, giving a speech as the Crown Prince of Sweden about his brother's passing. Wilhelm's character (obviously) fundamentally switches after Erik's death. He used to be a lot sillier, more reckless and more willing to fight back against his parents. But now he's got every single eye on him, watching him. Put into an adult role at the age of sixteen, forced to carry the burden of spare his whole childhood, then suddenly forced to be the sole heir. Even if he had planned to maybe one day be the heir (which he didn't, judging by the he should be here instead of me comment) it wasn't supposed to happen until he was older and wiser. He stops acting like a kid because he can't be a kid anymore. The cuts between the frog/getting the frog/breaking the globe aimed to emphasise this. He's lost all connection to his brother, he's in a place he didn't expect to be until he was extremely old (if ever), and he's lost control of his own life.

We can talk it so good, we can make it so divine, we can talk it good how we wish it would be all the time- I wanted to frame Simon in this as a sort of healthy distraction for Wilhelm. He was the only person in his life who actually looked out for him and cared. They're happy and they're smiling, all the clips are intimate even if there's someone else there. It highlights how they care. It's good, it's divine. It's what kept him happy after the hardest thing in his life (so far). In this edit, he desperately wants it back because he knows how much it helped. It was the only bright thing he had. The cutting to Wilhelm alone in s2 after how we wish it would be all the time just aims to really enforce that he wished it was still like that, wishing for someone who truly cared and loved him. It's all yearning, pining, wishing things were better. Every single clip is a clip in which Wilhelm has been pining over Simon. There's an ache he expresses that was just so, so important to this edit.

This dream isn't feeling sweet- Lots of clips of Wilhelm trying to process things. He's been forced to change his entire life, after all being a prince is a privilege, not a punishment. The 'dream' of being royal crushes him, despite the fact he can't ever voice it. Walking down the halls of his castle, sitting in his private boarding school therapy session with an actual therapist, being driven home in a private car from the party where he was filmed fighting. These luxuries juxtaposed with his actual circumstances hurt. He can't complain because he's got it best in the country, but it isn't a system designed for him, it doesn't want to help him, it wants to make him conform. It isn't fair, but he can't say that.

We're reeling through the midnight streets- He's forcing himself to try and fit the mould while also being himself, and all it causes is pain. He's actively fighting against the institution he was raised in simply by existing. The panic attack from being perceived holding Simon's hand. Deleting his contact after his mother told him 'no more mistakes.' Trying to play nice at the dinner table even though his whole life was crumbling around him and the institution was failing everyone even though nobody believed him. The panic attack/anxiety vomit from Simon going public, against Wilhelm's institution, knowing that he might not be able to protect him. He's got no control in any of these scenes, its a desperate fight against himself. He's a publicity risk to his own family if he is true to himself, and he's a risk to himself if he isn't.

And I've never felt more alone- Desperately trying to comfort himself when nobody else can (or wants to) comfort him. After the fight at the party all his family cared about was the PR response. When August said that Simon would take the fall for the drugs, all he cared about was getting Alexander back. During the uniform tailoring, all Jan-Olof cared about was tradition and making Simon as background as he could. When Wilhelm gave up meditating to soothe his anxiety, he was upset at his inability to calm down, despite the fact he's never been given an opportunity to be calm. Nobody really knows about his mental health struggles, he just has to fight through them and desperately try to self-soothe. Nobody else will comfort him after all.

It feels so scary getting old- Each of these scenes show Wilhelm being viewed as his role instead of being viewed as a person. He clearly struggles with being viewed as just the Crown Prince of Sweden, especially since that was never supposed to be his role, so of course it hurts when he's viewed as just a pawn in the Royal Family. Especially from people he loves. Yes, it was undeniably hard when he first became the Crown Prince, and it absolutely would've crushed him to know that when he had a panic attack he couldn't be alone. But these scenes are interlaced with him being viewed as a political pawn by Simon and his mother. People he loves, people he trusts. He's just a public statement to his mother, and he's just a human representation of the Crown to Simon (in these scenes not in general ofc). He's never going to be able to be his own person again, because he's got a country to run when he grows up and a public image to form between now and then.

This dream isn't feeling sweet- The lyrics are now getting more compounding, it's louder and it's closer. He's fighting to be heard, he's being ripped off of his desk, he's forcing down a panic attack because he needs to be happy for Simon. His emotions aren't allowed, he can't feel anything negative so he won't feel anything at all. Nothing in his life feels good anymore, so he's fighting the losing battle to just try to break even. Nobody would dream of this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He can't even voice that, though.

We're reeling through the midnight streets- Now he's reminiscing about when things were easier, but they weren't, really. Yes, the placard was there the night he first kissed Simon, but that was also the beginning of the horrific realisation he wasn't built for the world he is forced to live in. His mother says 'no more mistakes' and he already knows it means he has to leave Simon. When that doesn't work and it all falls out, he's left to try and clean his own image up by nailing the closet shut with every fibre of his being. His life wasn't better, he's grasping for anything to show him life will be okay again. Everything has crumbled and now he's got nothing, so he yearns for when he had something, even if it was just something to lose.

And I've never felt more alone- He is constantly left. Something that isn't brought up enough is how often he's just abandoned. He has no one to talk to, he's forced to work through his struggles alone because his existence is political and any sign of weakness being public could reflect badly on his family. He becomes the embodiment of the Prince he could never be. Walking to the lake and reminiscing about when he would be happy there. Being left alone by his brother, who didn't even reply to him asking to say hi to his mother and father, who he then never sees in person again. Then wearing his brother's jacket. He's alone, and all he does is pine for a time when he wasn't. All he wants to do is go back and do it all again, and he can't. But he also can't move forward, he doesn't want to, he doesn't know how.

It feels so scary- Only two scenes so I'll discuss 'em one by one: -At Erik's funeral, there's a more literal fear of getting old. I don't want to repeat myself more than I already have but obviously, that forced Wilhelm to grow up and be more mature, and act like a Crown Prince instead of just the Prince. More attention, less room for error. He's terrified of fucking it up, and there's nobody who can help him. -The breakup scene is more metaphorical. He has to grow up and figure out what he wants to do with his life, while also having to grow to understand what he actually has the ability to do with his life. He's not ready to do this because he wants things to be good and happy but it was ripped away from him. He can't just pretend everything is alright anymore, but the amount of maturing he needs to do seems impossible at this moment, especially knowing he was in love with a boy when he wasn't allowed to be. He tries to be both a Prince and Wilhelm and all it did was betray his boyfriend's trust.

getting old- Wilhelm shutting his computer and pressing his hands to his eyes. It's exhausting. He's exhausted. Constantly working to try and be who he's supposed to be as well as being himself and trying to navigate his emotions in a vulnerable state is just too much. He can't carry it all, so he just gives up for a moment. It all goes quiet, but not in a good way. When you're that overwhelmed, the lack of anything just leaves more room to spiral.

FONT CHOICES

Intro: literally my handwriting. I wanted this to feel personal and almost like a desperate written plea to go back to when it was good, and what's more personal than my own handwriting am I right!!!

First chorus loop: Magazine font, it's in pieces and it doesn't match. There's a sporadic chaos, like he's beginning to feel it but it isn't there yet. The text isn't fully opaque, it's in front of him. We're seeing it before he does in this context. Trying to reflect how the media knows things before he does, like his brothers death, the tape leaking, all that good stuff.

Second chorus loop: Big, Bold, Unavoidable! I rotobrushed Wilhelm in every scene so that the text could be intertwined with him. He can't escape the reality of his situation, he is getting crushed by these feelings. The song gets louder and more claustrophobic, the text is in the scenes with him. It haunts him, it's everywhere. When he closes the laptop and it all goes silent, its not relaxing, it just makes you anxious in a different way.

COLOURING

I actually chose the blues from the intro scene, mainly in the night sky bit of the frame. Also! All the happy Wilmon scenes have a higher saturation, though you can't tell because of how I did the colouring. It just results in them being a little bit brighter, because things were good then and I believe it should feel good then, too.

[lordelmelloi2]

Reines uses her unsavory jokes to cope with her history of being abused/almost killed at the hands of mage society

While we’re on the topic of Reines’ being absorbed in the Clock Tower’s politics and it shaping her entire worldview, this joke (one of many incestuous jokes she makes) is another big view into the way that she copes with it. 

Reines, who from a young age has had literally no choice but to participate in the Clock Tower politics because of Kayneth’s death, has been enmeshed in these issues from the start. The conservative notion of magic circuit distribution and treating people like simply a womb or a sire in order to better magic circuit distribution is something she’s well aware of, even more so because female mages are regularly treated like simply wombs that will help create even greater mages further in time. It is not uncommon for young mages, teenagers and adults, to be in arranged marriages to ensure political gain or for greater magic circuit count. 

I’ve spoken about it before, but Reines believes that mages are supposed to behave in a way that’s more beneficial to political gain rather than try to walk the boundary of humanity and magus. 

What this means for her, who considers herself more mage than human, is that she will readily joke from a political point of view - but more specifically joke about incestuously eloping with Waver. 

Waver, who considers all mages to be fundamentally human, is absolutely disgusted by it. And it should be noted as well that Waver also routinely teaches mages to consider their humanity a bit more as a fundamental of his practice in Modern Magecraft instruction. Waver may identify himself as a mage, but he is well-known for trying to balance what it is to be “human” with being a “mage”. He is more concerned with being effective because those he teaches are secure in themselves as people, rather than suffering under mage society’s ideologies that require one to basically consider themselves second to their pursuit of the Root or anything else. 

The issue with Reines is this, though. Why does she keep specifically joking about incest with Waver? 

Well, for a girl whose life is entirely dictated by political workings in the Clock Tower, who has exactly one person in a position of authority in her life who doesn’t believe in said politics and yet considers himself a mage, he’s an easy target. But more importantly, she wants to prove something. 

For Reines, who was almost assassinated at a young age, the notion of being protected by others on the basis of her being a human ... was basically nonexistent. She is 15. There is nobody who is stretching themselves thin to try and rescue her or even comfort her from the torment of the political workings of the Clock Tower. Her life is constantly at risk. There is no other option for her, she believes, than to consider herself a mage. 

But Waver is different. Waver, who calls himself a mage, acts so completely un-mage-like that he’s labelled a heretic. Not only that, he doesn’t hold any of the political ideology that denotes a “true mage” at all, and on top of that, he actively rebels against it, teaching the opposite in his classes. 

Reines wants a justification for the suffering that she went through. 

If she can somehow suggest that Waver is Just Like The Other Mages, she will be right, and the suffering she endured as a young girl at the hands of the politics of the Clock Tower would be justified. It would mean she could skip the work of having to ask why she had to go through any of it in the first place. It means that she doesn’t have to weep or mourn or get angry that she was almost killed, that she’s regularly almost killed, and she doesn’t have to think about how fucked up the place that she’s forced to exist in is. Reines does not have an out from mage society. She is next in line to be a Lord. For her to give that up would mean throwing the El Melloi house into even further disarray, and it might truly disintegrate the family and destabilize them enough to let them be totally wiped out again. 

She has an immense burden on her shoulders and she’s coping with it by suggesting to the only person in her life who would say “this isn’t right, and they shouldn’t do this to you” that in actuality, the people who want this Are right, and that what happened to her was simply a matter of course. 

It is very common for traumatized people to normalize the abuse that happened to them as a coping mechanism. It’s easier to normalize it than to fight against it, sometimes, because fighting against it means processing a lot of pain and having to face that the world was cruel to you. 

Waver, to her, is a figure who is in her own words “blindingly bright”. He represents a future and an existence that says that the world is not naturally that cruel, and that kindness should be the base standard of how one acts and carries oneself. 

She does not actually want to be hurt by him. But she feels, at this time, that she has no other choice than to suggest that he, too, would hurt her. Would drag her deeper into the abyss that is the political ideology that mages have - especially of the Aristocratic faction, the right-wing faction that the El Melloi family belongs to, the faction that 10 years ago told Waver that a mage’s bloodline is everything and that nothing else matters. 

One day she might find out that she’s wrong, and one day she might learn that she's suffering, and that she didn’t deserve to go through what she went through as a child, as a teen, and what she might go through in the future. 

Quite frankly, she just needs the right support, is all. And to know that she’ll be protected in the future. That’s all she really wants. It’s a very simple wish. But it would mean a lot to her, who was not protected in the past, and has to fend for herself as well. It would do her good to have the idea that a mage isn’t just a bundle of circuits reinforced to her. And it would also do her good to know that she is allowed to act like a teen girl at times, having girl’s talks with others, talking about nonsense, having fun. Gray provides her with a bit of an outlet, which is good, but really, she needs much more than this. Ideally she should be outside of mage society as a whole. But I suppose there’s a lot more work that has to be done before she can hope to be freed from any of that. 

[kae-karo]

thomato/tomokazu brainrot

i'm living in the 'ayato is tomo' world where ayato ran from home due to the vision hunt decree and thoma/ayaka knew about him disappearing, tried to keep it under wraps, etc

thoma always loved ayato and hated when he started talking abt leaving, bc it went from 'vision hunt decree bad' to 'i literally can't do anything and i can't live like this' and he left thoma and thoma felt betrayed

ayato (changed his name to tomo) met kazuha, they traveled together for a while. tomokazu brainrot ensues. but then tomo got fed up with the vision hunt decree (kept him up at night that it was still going on) and finally went to challenge baal. didn't die, bc she recognized him, as did sara, but he almost did. kazuha took his vision, which seemed to die out bc he ran away with it.

but ayato recovered (as ayato) and forgot his ambitions and his hurt about the decree, which thoma is conflicted over - on the one hand, he has his ayato back. on the other, both he and ayaka know what happened, and ayato is still...different. he looks to thoma for comfort, but mumbles a name - something like 'kazuha' - in his sleep. when he sleeps, which isn't often enough for thoma's concerns.

one day, thoma finds ayato sitting in front of a mirror with his hair tied up in a high ponytail, just staring at his reflection. frowning. he notices thoma, tries to smile but it doesn't quite meet his eyes. 'just messing around', he says with a forced laugh, and thoma's stomach turns. that's how he'd turned up to fight baal, with his hair like that. that's how thoma almost lost him, permanently. he laughs louder, comes to ayato's side and pulls the ribbon from his hair. lets it fall, then ties it like his own, and it falls in an elegant wave down his back. this is his ayato, thoma reminds himself, but it isn't.

after a while, he asks. do you remember where you were? ayato doesn't. lots of shrugs, but his gaze goes distant, and he excuses himself from thoma's presence. thoma doesn't follow him, not at first, but when he finally does, he finds ayato sitting beneath a tree, some stray cat he's coaxed onto the estate grounds curled up in his lap. his hair tied up high on his head. this long, it looks more like ayaka's, but he'd cut it shorter when he left. this long, it looks like he could be ayato again, but thoma knows that he isn't.

he looks for kazuha afterward, but finds little. not a family name, and for all he knows, a fake, but he doesn't give up. can't, when ayato asks him to help cut his hair - he's started wearing it up, though he jokes that he can't look just like ayaka or nobody will ever be able to tell them apart, so won't you help me, thoma? and thoma does, of course. he could never quite say no to ayato. has loved him for far too long to-

to want him to stay where he's unhappy, in a life and a time and a stasis and an eternity that he'd tried to escape. thoma understands it better, now, even if it hurts. when he sees kazuha, hears his name from gorou for the first time, thoma nearly breaks down. hand over his mouth, trying to hold back tears, he stalks over to kazuha. no recognition flashes in his eyes, though, and he wonders - hates that he wonders, but does all the same - if ayato ever spoke of him. if he ever missed thoma enough to mention him to someone else so obviously precious to him.

ayato, he says when he manages to lower his hand, and kazuha stares. blinks. then recognition dawns, bright and hot, and his eyes go wide with the sharp breath he inhales. tears spring to his eyes then, too, and thoma doesn't know how to handle that. but they stand in the middle of the resistance camp and thoma's two seconds from losing his composure as well, so he tips his head toward the trees and kazuha follows

it's painful, telling him. harder than he thought it'd be, but thoma understands that pain all the same - he's felt it, too. kazuha takes it all in silence, tears gleaming but yet unfallen, and thoma doesn't know what to say when he asks if ayato remembers him. how to say yes, he does and he doesn't, he calls your name in his sleep and doesn't remember it in the morning. how to tell him who thoma wants ayato to be, who he was before, and not who he was with kazuha. thoma isn't a bad person, but he feels insanely selfish right now, as though he's waving his ayato in kazuha's face.

kazuha kept his vision, though. kept it, hoped without hoping, and thoma's stomach twists. guilt, guilt more than anything - he doesn't want to lose ayato again. how can he lose ayato again, how can he give his ayato away? will returning the vision restore his memories, too? kazuha asks, and thoma wants to say it won't. he wants to protect ayato and protect himself, because what if ayato does remember? what if he loves kazuha more than he ever loved thoma? he certainly can't have loved thoma more, or he'd have returned, right?

but thoma isn't even certain this is his ayato. he is, sometimes, and thoma wants that, but...but it hurts, to see the distance in ayato's stare, the sleepless nights where he wanders in the forest, where thoma follows him from afar. where he does nothing but walk though the evening, until he turns around and thoma rushes back so that he can pretend he hadn't been watching out for ayato. even though ayato's skill with a blade has only improved, though he can't remember how or why. it takes only one minute of watching kazuha spar with another resistance member for thoma to determine who he'd learned from.

there is a pain in letting go. there is a pain in holding on. and thoma can't do either one - he loves ayato too deeply to be selfish.

i don't know if he'll remember, but we should find out, shouldn't we?

it's easier than he expected, traveling with another wanted individual, and kazuha knows too well the burdens of keeping himself hidden. thoma understands a part of it, too, but kazuha is nothing short of incredible at it. it's no wonder ayato stuck around, you're a natural at this, he'd said, on a better day, when the sun shone and kazuha had kept them deftly clear of any shogunate army patrols. the wrong words, he'd realized a little too late. kazuha only nodded, a sharp thing for his typically gentle demeanor, and thoma did not know what to do with that. couldn't get more than a few words out of him the rest of the day.

he loved you too, thoma thinks in kazuha's direction. he doesn't know how to say it, though, because it isn't his place to say. but if not his, then whose? ayato doesn't remember. and it hurts, to see kazuha hurt in the same way that thoma did. he's certainly not a weak spirit, thoma's come to find, but he is a gentle one. kind and a bit mischievous when he wants to be, and thoma can see it, why ayato would fall for him. two of a kind in such different ways. had ayato found comfort with kazuha? adventure? something else, something he'd been searching for when he left? maybe thoma will never know. maybe the only one left to remember is kazuha.

what was he like? thoma asks one night around a dim fire, stirred to life on occasion by either he or kazuha. kazuha's gaze flicks up, and thoma does not need to clarify his question. excited. every little thing brought him such excitement. a thunderstorm, a clear day, a full moon. a small smile tugs at kazuha's lips, the first thoma has seen in days. it calms something within him - i will keep him safe, i will keep his heart safe for you, ayato. kazuha tells him of ayato- of tomo, the name he went by until his last day, until he left kazuha and went to face the raiden shogun herself. and thoma listens, and aches, and loves ever more fiercely. ayato was ayato, the pieces that kazuha saw are the pieces that thoma saw, if from a different angle. you are pretty short after all, thoma says with a grin, and kazuha blinks at him. there's a rush of wind, suddenly, and kazuha's hovering aloft several feet in the air, and thoma laughs louder than he has in well over a year. and kazuha floats down again, rests a little closer to thoma this time.

what was ayato like? kazuha asks in turn, and thoma knows that he does not refer to the time since he's returned. that is for...for later. a rascal, actually, i bet you two got along far too well, he says, and kazuha laughs then, and his head falls on thoma's shoulder, and it's late and dark and warm and thoma talks for as long as he can, every story he'd clung desperately to when ayato left him, and he shares them all with kazuha, who loved him too.

when they return, ayato waits for them at the teahouse. hold onto his vision, let me go in first? thoma asks, and kazuha nods. he wonders if kazuha wishes to put this off, too. how does it feel to have your heart ripped out, returned bloody and tattered, only to feel it torn from you again?

thoma, where have you been? he's crushed in a hug before he knows what to do, what to say, and tears prick his eyes. you had me worried sick! ayato pulls back, and thoma stares at him. sees him in a way he hasn't before - not his ayato. not the ghost of tomo. the two as one. he drags ayato back into a hug. i brought someone here to meet you, he says into ayato's ear, and when he turns, kazuha stands in the doorway. frozen, terrified. he must look to kazuha as he did before, if a bit more polished, and thoma wishes he could hear kazuha's thoughts.

he gets ayato's instead. who are you? not unkind, but curious. why...why am i crying? a laugh from ayato's lips, one that kazuha echoes before he clamps a hand over his mouth. the other holds his vision, ayato's vision, perhaps even his memories.

my name is kaedehara kazuha, i traveled with you for a time while you were running from the vision hunt decree. i knew you as tomo. the name carries such reverence, such love, and thoma turns back to find ayato's eyes wide. tears, as he said, leak from the corners, and thoma wonders again - did you love him more? do you still? how does it feel to lose one's heart?

kazuha... so quietly spoken. does he remember? it's hard to tell, with how he clings still to thoma. it's hard to hope, but he hopes all the same - he loves you, do you remember?

[childe-the-harbinger]

Genshin Characters having a s/o who can play an instrument

a/n this is my first time writing and I have NO IDEA how to do this LMAO sorry (also I had trouble with the font for Venti’s SO IGNORE THAT THX<33)

warnings: jealousy (for Kaeya), Spoilers for Xiao storyquest

characters: Venti, Albedo, Kaeya, Xiao, Zhongli.

gender: gn

Writing under cut

Venti💚

•You to literally have performances in windrise and at the fountain at mondstadt

•He demands you two share tips and tricks on how to play your instrument

•He gets lowkey jealous if people want you to play more than him or if they applaud just the slightest bit louder (but he’s proud of you)

“Hey, Y/N!“ Venti yelled obnoxiously from across the Mondstadt plaza

”What if we held an event here? Like, a concert? We could bring apples and wine!”

You were just the slightest bit hesitant because you knew you had to pay for the bard’s ideas for concessions

But when you saw his “begging face” You just HAD to oblige.

Faster than you know it, your in Mondstadt’s plaza yet again, this time with complementary wine and apples, which venti takes advantage of.

You two play a concert for a large crowd of civilians, all interested in the wine, But they enjoyed the music as well.

Your instrument with Venti’s lyre was like a match made in heaven, they sounded perfect together, so you can bet Venti is extremely satisfied.

You go home thinking about that day and how Venti looked so happy.

You fell asleep smiling about the dork.

Albedo💛

•He finds it extremely fascinating how one could produce such a calming sound from their own instrument.

•If you just randomly start playing your instrument while he was doing an experiment for his alchemy, it‘ll immediately grab his attention, and he’ll turn back to look where the song is coming from

•He enjoys when you use the instrument to lull him to sleep (even if he’s upset he can’t finish that one experiment before being forced to sleep)

Mx. y/n? Could you play Klee another song before bed?

You tend to play songs to help Klee go to bed, since when Albedo tries to read stories, he ends up reading everything on the shelf.

”Oh all right, but promise you’ll go to bed after this one, okay“ You reply to Klee’s request.

“Klee promises! She’ll be a good girl!”

You start playing your instrument in a calm and soft way that would relax somebody. Not too loud but not too quiet either.

You play a famous musical piece that grabs Albedo’s attention from outside of Klee’s room.

He sneaks to Klee’s doorway to peek through at you playing music for Klee on the edge of her bed.

He admires how you are such a good older sibling for her.

You finish up the song, and as soon as you do, you see Albedo in the doorway, just as he makes eye contact with you

You give a warm smile as soon as you realize Klee fell sound asleep to the music you played.

Afterwards, you talk to Albedo quietly outside Klee’s room.

”You truly are gifted, thank you.”

He shows a small smile and walks back away to his experiment, which was paused mid-way.

He can’t stop thinking about the smile you showed after you finished playing your gadget.

He smiles at the very thought of you playing the same tool to help him fall asleep.

Kaeya💙

•He tends to request you playing music at the tavern for him to enjoy while he drinks his alcohol of choice

•He praises you afterwards about how “good looking you were while you were playing it” and if it’s just you two then maybe a couple sexual remarks give or take

•Kaeya observes the way your body just leans into the instrument like a real professional.

You were playing music at the tavern for Kaeya and you ended up getting quite the crowd of drunkards enjoying the tune.

Particularly one drunkard started getting a bit too close and cheering a bit too loudly and Kaeya quickly took notice of this action.

You were walking further and further away from the drunkard man when you blindly bumped into Kaeya whilst walking backwards.

“Oh-ho! Who do we have here, my love?”

When the intoxicated man heard that, he backed off, and you could go back to playing your instrument on the mini stage that your boyfriend provided.

You liked how Kaeya helped back that man off of you and thought about it while you were packing up your instrument to leave.

Xiao💚

•He wouldn’t dare admit it, but he loves listening to you play your songs and music, it helps distract him from his karma that has added up these past centuries

•He zones out when he hears the music played by his lover. It reminds him of a green clad figure playing a tune that saved his life.

•Verr Goldet encourages you play music outside Wangshu Inn for the visitors, but you replied saying you exclusively play for Xiao.

Xiao had been contemplating about his contract he signed with Rex Lapis, Thinking about the endless slaughter he took on after the god helped him.

You strumming your instrument interrupted his thoughts and let him relax his shoulders, as his mind wandered somewhere else, somewhere more positive.

All the work Xiao does on a daily basis really stresses him out, but he has to keep his guard up to make sure nobody finds out, as he fears the burden will worry them.

Your music helps this stress dissolve, like putting cotton candy in water.

He thinks of the meaning of what every note is for your music, what it means to himself and what it means to you.

You helping Xiao by playing music really makes your day. It brings out Xiao’s inner music nerdy-ness.

Zhongli💛

•He’s similar to Xiao in the sense that he wonders the meaning behind each and every note and the emotion behind it.

•He studies up on the whole backstory of the instrument and genre you play just so he can get a better understanding.

•He enjoys telling everybody in Liyue about your talent, which gets fancy restaurant owners interested.

“Well why don’t I have y/n play some music for you? Will that settle the bill?”

The poor old man had no cash on him, as his financial aid has been lacking recently.

”Well of course!” The clerk says with utmost enthusiasm.

Zhongli talks about your music so often that people just assume you’re a musical prodigy who knows every song.

You scoff, then play a quick song for the clerk on your instrument you carry around for situations like this.

”Why, thank you very much!” The clerk starts bowing down, as others around him notice the scene and start talking about the performance you put on.

Zhongli gets his item he wanted with a very high discount, which brought a smile to his face.

”Thank you very much y/n, I wouldn’t have been able to purchase this jade without your assistance”

”It better be worth it” you reply jokingly, hoping eventually he can finally get his hands on some Mora.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 25, part one

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Holy crap, Episode 25! We’re halfway through! *Cue Bon Jovi*

Hunt Invitation

After taking a nice long break to watch Word of Honor pick lotus pods, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli return to stressing over the shitshow that is the post-Sunshot cultivation world. Jin Zixuan has come to invite them to the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, with a special invitation from his mother to Jiang Yanli. Jiang Cheng reacts to this in a mature and reasonable manner, while Wei Wuxian...doesn't.

On the surface, Jiang Cheng has matured in recent months; much more than Wei Wuxian, with his secret burdens, has. But it's only on the surface, as we'll see later in the episode, when Jiang Cheng's insecurity will take the reins.

Jin Zixuan is adorably pleased by Jiang Yanli's acceptance of the invitation. Wei Wuxian is less pleased, but sort of tries to suck it up. 

Jin Zixuan kind of undercuts the romance of his errand by asking Wei Wuxian for the Yin tiger amulet as soon as Jiang Yanli is out of earshot. 

As always, Jin Zixuan makes an impression by being the best Jin currently in existence, but the Jins are terrible. JZX is working to advance his dad's ambitions, and as such he is currently Wei Wuxian's enemy.  

(more after the cut)

Opening Ceremonies

There's a bunch of cultivators arranged for the opening ceremony. Later someone will say that this is more than 5 thousand people. Ok, sure.

As I've said before, it's best to think of it like a theatre production and assume the other 4,900 people are offstage or, you know, painted on the backdrop.  

The young lead cultivators from the four main clans are standing together. Nie Huaisang is trying out some new body armor.

The clan leaders are seated up on the stage, along with Jin Furen and Jiang Yanli. Unfortunately Jin Furen doesn't seem to have a personal name that I can discover. Her title Fūrén ( 夫人)  means she's the primary wife of the head of the family, according to this excellent meta. 

So “Madame Jin” is a decent translation...if you're French?  I feel like instead of English subtitles including borrowed words from French (”Marquis” in NIH), Greek (”Water of Lethe” in WOH), and other European languages, we could try borrowing Chinese words instead. Jin Zixuan's mom is titled, not named, Jin Furen. Since we don’t know her actual name, I'll call her that and abbreviate it JFR.

Wei Wuxian's childishness continues at the opening of the hunt, as does Jiang Yanli's encouragement of his childishness. I know she's had a rough couple of years, and it's understandable to want to baby her little brother out of a sense of nostalgia. But it's not good for him, and she shouldn't do it; she should encourage him to be more mature, just as she does with Jiang Cheng.

War Crimes Contest

Jin Guangyao says they're going to have an archery competition, and they're going to liven it up by endangering some prisoners. These prisoners are Wens in Wen cultivator uniforms, meaning they're not the noncombatants that were being hunted down earlier. But they’re still helpless people in chains. 

There are three different reactions when the Wen prisoners are brought out.  All the Jins are pleased, or neutral. All of the Jiangs, including Wei Wuxian, are upset.

The Nies and the Lans, what we see of them, are a little shocked, but not obviously upset. Based on those reactions, it seems like this is a maneuver that in-world is considered shocking and cruel, but not necessarily unethical or immoral.  Shocking, cruel displays of power are pretty normal in this world; remember when Wen Chao lit a Lan cultivator on fire just to say hello, and nobody complained? 

This whole scenario, of course, has been designed to provoke Wei Wuxian. One major goal of this event, and the whole reason for wanting Wei Wuxian to come,  is to get the Yin Tiger amulet.  Making him lose his shit in front of 100 5000 cultivators is a good step toward compelling him to hand the amulet over.  

We see Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli both signaling Wei Wuxian to keep it together, and he takes a step back and tries to chill.  

Meanwhile, Jin Zixuan seems annoyed by all this, and goes to take a shot at it, making it clear from his demeanor that this is easy and JGY is making a show of nothing. 

He hovers in the air and makes a perfect shot, pleasing most of the crowd and impressing Jiang Yanli. 

Then his cousin Jin Zixun taunts the crowd, challenging anyone to do better.  This presents a bit of a problem for Wei Wuxian. For the sake of the Wen prisoners, Wei Wuxian should just take this taunting and let the contest end, if no-one else is willing to take a shot. But for the sake of the Jiang Clan’s status, and his continued control of the Yin Tiger amulet, he needs to put the Jins in their place.  

Every Day is Blindfold Day

This moral dilemma is resolved with an abrupt tonal shift, where the humanitarian concerns of all parties seem to vanish. Wei Wuxian flirts embarrassingly with Lan Wangji and then goes as far over the top in besting Jin Zixuan as it's possible to go.

The flirting hits differently, incidentally, when you edit Jiang Cheng's annoyed reaction out of it: 

Lan Wangji doesn't seem embarrassed by Wei Wuxian's request, despite it happening in front of 100 5000 of their fellow cultivators. He looks Wei Wuxian straight in the eye for longer than necessary before turning away; it’s not exactly stern disapproval. We’ll get very used to this look, in Wei Wuxian’s second life. 

Fortunately, Wei Wuxian carries a blindfold with him wherever he goes, (gifset here), and he is such a good cultivator he can hit 5 parallel targets simultaneously without even holding his bow straight or tightening the string.

(OP fixed the angle of the bow for this gif, which is why everyone is standing on a hill in the background).

Everyone is pleased by this shot except Jins Guangyao and Zixun; even the Jin cultivators are clapping, and Madame Jin is presumably this happy any time Jin Guangyao’s plans go wrong.

With that they start the hunt. Jin Zixun challenges Wei Wuxian to do the whole hunt blindfolded. Wei Wuxian agrees, but the censorship committee said no, apparently, so we don’t get to see that.

Flute Hunting

We do get to see Wei Wuxian luring monsters into his nets by being too sexy for his robe, too sexy for his robe, and playing the flute.  

We also get to see Jiang cultivators looking puzzled while random monster roars happen in the woods around them. We do not get to see any monsters, which is probably just as well.

Jiang Cheng is annoyed and concerned, muttering "I told you not to overdo it" which means he didn't, you know, tell Wei Wuxian NOT to do this, just not to do it quite so well. Jiang Cheng knows what Wei Wuxian’s abilities are and he is making use of him, as he should, but he doesn’t have the courage of his convictions. 

Tree Confession

Wei Wuxian sees Lan Wangji and starts to say hi, but then he has a desaturated flashback to Lan Xichen telling him to back off, so he stops himself.  But then Lan Wangji comes over to talk to him.

Lan Wangji starts off talking to him about his latest anti-resentment musical discoveries, and Wei Wuxian pushes back, even calling him Lan Wangji, but gently.  Wei Wuxian asks "who am I to you?" and Lan Wangji turns the question right back at him, then waits a looooooong time, eyes downcast, while Wei Wuxian thinks of a serious answer.

Wei Wuxian says "I used to treat you as my zhījǐ" --which, as we’ve discussed before, is variously translated soulmate, confidant, intimate friend--with a strong meaning of "the person who truly knows me." Lan Wangji says "I still am." Coming from Lan Wangji, who NEVER says how he feels about Wei Wuxian or about anything, really, this sounds a lot like a confession of love. 

It definitely takes the form, visually, of a love confession, as Lan Wangji speaks, then gazes at Wei Wuxian while he waits for a reply.  Wei Wuxian's reply is this:

I don't think Wei Wuxian is oblivious (I'm speaking strictly of CQL, not MZDS, as always with these posts; they are different works). I think he loves Lan Wangji back, and knows it. But Chenqing and everything it represents are between them.

Lan Wangji is quite literally NOT his zhījǐ any more, because he doesn't truly know Wei Wuxian right now. He loves him desperately, but he doesn't know about his core, and hasn't accepted his cultivation method.  So Wei Wuxian answers his confession by showing him Chenqing, effectively declining to accept his still-conditional love.

Snake Measuring

Next we get terrible hetero courtship in the form of Jin Zixuan finding snake discharge on the ground and talking to Jiang Yanli about comparative snake measuring. Seriously: that is the actual conversation that they are having.

Jin Zixuan boasts for a bit, and then awkwardly tries to ask Jiang Yanli on a date. When she turns him down he gets mad, because he's a typical heterosexual dude even though he's secretly a delightful person...very, very secretly. Jiang Yanli, for her part, can't string a fucking sentence together to save her life whenever he's around, so she's not helping their mutual understanding. 

Lan Wangji attempts to hold Wei Wuxian back from beating Jin Zixuan’s ass yet again, but eventually JYL wants to leave, JZX tells her to wait, and WWX intervenes. Why doesn't Jiang Yanli have a maid or Jiang cultivator with her while she's on a date, incidentally? These kids are confused about whether they're doing feudal patriarchy or whether they're doing modern social life.

Jin vs. Jiang

Wei Wuxian jumps in between Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, which JZX objects to. Jin Zixuan has no fucking business objecting and Wei Wuxian is 100% right, at this point. As soon as WWX shows up JZX should hand her off to her Shidi, bow, and leave her the fuck alone. Instead, he draws his sword on Wei Wuxian, and kind of on Jiang Yanli since she's right behind Wei Wuxian.  Fortunately, Lan Wangji blocks him. 

This instantly blows up into a Jiang-Jin Clan conflict, with Jiang Cheng unfortunately absent since he let his unmarried sister go off in the woods alone with the son of the Cultivaton world's most famous lecher. It looks like it’s a personal conflict, but since Jin Zixuan already told Wei Wuxian directly that Jin Guangshan wants his amulet, any arguments between them are part of a larger power struggle. 

Cousin Jin Zixun comes running up to start shit. Wei Wuxian pretends--I am SURE he's pretending--not to know who he is. The dude hassles Wei Wuxian every time he sees him; Wei Wuxian is a troll, and right now CJXZ is butting in to something that doesn't concern him. Rather than argue, Wei Wuxian insults him by telling him he’s not memorable.

Jin Furen shows up with several maids and cultivator dudes in tow, which is the proper way for a highborn woman to wander around in the woods. She also brings Clan Leader Yao, because if it's Wei Wuxian Blaming Hours, Yao is going to be there.  

I initially found the deep friendship between superhot Yi Zuyuan and dumpy Jin Furen implausible, but then I remembered that my lifelong bestie is a smokin' hot redhead with impeccable fashion sense, while I am a roly-poly nerd.  Friends don’t always match. Also, Jin Furen's actress, Hu Xiaoting, looks like this: 

...so she is actually hot in real life. Not as hot as Zhang Jingtong (who plays Yu Ziyuan) but literally nobody is as hot as Zhang Jingtong. Don't @ me, you know I'm right.

This is a heck of a long scene, so we’ll pick it up in part two! 

Soundtrack: Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

Writing prompt: Newly-divorced, cold-hearted CEO Yu Ziyuan buys an apartment next door to newly-divorced, warm-hearted pastry chef ...uhh let's call her Jin Dàngāo (蛋糕), sure. She can name her business after herself. 

They discover their daughter & son are in the same college class, and so they meet up over coffee....several times...trying to matchmake their hopeless, hapless kids, while bonding over their own terrible (former) taste in husbands. Who will Cupid strike first, the kids or the moms?

[mymovingfingerwrites]

I am reading The Ambassadors by Henry James for the first time (it's actually my first James read since The Turn of the Screw in high school). So far I am really enjoying it, although I'm not going to lie, it's slow going.

So here are some quotes I like! Keeps me motivated.

CHAPTER 1

"That note had been meanwhile—since the previous afternoon, thanks to this happier device—such a consciousness of personal freedom as he hadn't known for years; such a deep taste of change and of having above all for the moment nobody and nothing to consider, as promised already, if headlong hope were not too foolish, to colour his adventure with cool success."

"He was burdened, poor Strether—it had better be confessed at the outset—with the oddity of a double consciousness. There was detachment in his zeal and curiosity in his indifference."

(after he meets a woman who asks if he knows the Munster family) "But he didn't, it happened, know the Munsters well enough to give the case much of a lift; so that they were left together as if over the mere laid table of conversation. Her qualification of the mentioned connection had rather removed than placed a dish, and there seemed nothing else to serve. Their attitude remained, none the less, that of not forsaking the board; and the effect of this in turn was to give them the appearance of having accepted each other with an absence of preliminaries practically complete."

"Before reaching her he stopped on the grass and went through the form of feeling for something, possibly forgotten, in the light overcoat he carried on his arm; yet the essence of the act was no more than the impulse to gain time. Nothing could have been odder than Strether's sense of himself as at that moment launched in something of which the sense would be quite disconnected from the sense of his past and which was literally beginning there and then." (Isn't this a great sentence??? What does it even mean???)

"She watched him with all her kindness. "That means simply that you recognized me—which is rather beautiful and rare. You see what I am.""

"I wait for people—I put them through. I pick them up—I set them down. I'm a sort of superior courier maid. I'm a companion at large. I take people, as I told you, about. I never sought it—it has come to me."

"I'm always considering something else; something else, I mean, then the thing of the moment. The obsession of the other thing is the terror. I'm considering at present for instance something else than you."

[chiveburger]

hi candice i’m a relatively new universe and i was wondering if you would be willing to explain your view on pentagon’s group dynamic as in which members are the most extroverted and which members do you think support the others the most behind the scenes etc basically who acts as who despite their age/position in the group/outward personality or appearance i’m trying to get to know the members’ personalities better and thought who better to turn to than the infamous universe chiveburger

alright, if it’s not sickly obvious pentagon is a pretty shy group. hui has mentioned that even though some members are more talkative and extroverted than others, when they all group together the general feeling that comes from pentagon is that they’re shy. when they’re amongst other people at least, but when they’re together they won’t ever shut up or stay quiet. the following are how I’ve viewed the members after watching them, (this shit is going to be so long)

jinho; one of the most reliable, emotionally available and mature members of the group. he is the oldest, and often times he acts exactly that way. a lot of members look up to him and consider him the pillar of the group. someone who has grown to express his feelings more openly, but is rarely the first one to show them. he has his childish moments too but, easily one of the most dependable, mentally strong and grounded members in pentagon. eats everyone’s food and tears up when he sees food he likes so kino says he likes watching him eat.

hui; the leader of pentagon and has all the qualifications and mindset to be, but he’s also one of the most playful, and quick to cry members. If he’s happy, or his condition is good he’ll turn crazy. he’ll scream, he’ll try to climb the walls like spider man, he’ll jump off a balcony with an umbrella. hui’s infamous for all his baby noises and rowdiness even though members say he’s not like that normally. despite that, he’s one of the most integral members of the group and works day and night writing, composing and remixing songs for pentagon. he’ll stay in his studio all day, sleep crooked on the tiny sofa or cancel plans just to create music. he protects and mentions his members very often, never once calling them or being the leader a burden. says none of his members are disobedient and acknowledges that he’s changed into a much more mellow person because of them. always professional and respectful, and he’ll sit there quietly if he’s on a show without the members. If he has to speak about them seriously, he will cry immediately. the backbone of pentagon.

hongseok; probably one of the more talkative and extroverted members of pentagon. evil. he’s had a few scandals under his belt that can give off negative connotations but in the 3.5 years he’s been with pentagon he has continued to be careful with his words and actions. he expended a lot of effort to fit into pentagon when they first started training together, and would insert himself in all their activities because he joined when the group was already set. he’s dramatic and competitive, but he’s been working hard for the team. I think because of his past he’s happy to have fans who still love him, and members who care for him. he likes to be included and if members don’t mention his name he’ll get mad. he may have changed since his trainee days, but he’s still a freak 

shinwon: easily one of the most caring and warm people in pentagon. even when he pranks the members consistently he’s always the one who monitors their activities, even if he’s not in it. he'll physically go to their movie premieres, musicals, concerts, promotional activities, and everything in between just to support them. he knows all of hui, kino and jinho’s songs whether they’ve been released or not. he streams all their music, and joins in all their vlives because he’s always watching them. when jinho and hui were hosts on idol radio he watched every single one and left comments for them every time. he’s not quick to anger, and rarely gets mad. hui has mentioned that shinwon is the nicest person he has ever met, and he can’t believe someone like him exists. he’s always joyful, compassionate and the first one to run to the members if they need help. one of the most overlooked members in the group for many many reasons. 

yeoone: deathly unfunny, and the members remind him of it every single waking moment. however, he is one of the kindest, consistently cheerful, and tender people in pentagon. even though he knows he’s not funny, the reason why he cracks bad jokes and does cringe shit is to get the members to laugh. he loves making them happy and shinwon has mentioned that he sees the wholesomeness and sincerity in him when yeoone does that. he doesn’t seem like it, but he’s actually quite extroverted. he’ll go out of his way to talk to people that are outside of pentagon when the rest of the members huddle in a corner. he takes care of his younger members well, and contributes a lot to the small elements of their singing and dancing. idea bank of pentagon. 

yanan; I’ll be honest it’s always been a bit hard for me to write in depth about yanan because I only became a universe during naughty boy. since then I’ve only ever seen him in one comeback. however, it’s obvious to me that the members all adore him. they all love him, shower him with compliments, wooseok calls him his soulmate, and they want him to come back. from the short period where I’ve watched him he’s quite reserved. he doesn’t speak as often as other members especially when all 9 of them are together. however, he says and does a lot of weird shit if he’s alone or with 2-3 members at a time. he’s gotten mad at wooseok for putting ketchup on a corndog wrong. during his current hiatus, he’s always updated universe on how he’s doing. he even uploaded a group photo a couple weeks ago so he’s been the beacon of light for universe who wish to see ot9 soon. he’ll write happy birthday to his members, like their content on weibo and has been reassurance to a lot of fans. 

yuto; I have a whole blog dedicated just to yuto so I think that in itself is evidence enough that he’s one of the most amazing people not even just in pentagon, but in this galaxy. flexible and easygoing. nobody in pentagon has ever listed out any of his flaws or said negative comments about him because he’s never said or done anything of the sort. he loves all his members, and often plays around with them even if he doesn’t understand just so they’ll be happy. he considers his teammates as his family. he takes care of his older members a lot, even though he’s one of the youngest. calls everyone cute, never fails to show them affection and allows them to say or really do anything to him without complaining. all his members call him soft and sweet, even if yuto doesn’t think so. he worries for his members if they’re injured or sick, even saying that his happiest most anticipated moment during their release of humph! was that kino could finally join them in promotions again. he loves and cares deeply for his members, and he’s always shown it through his actions

kino; sensitiveness and empathetic. one of the most loved members of pentagon easy. some of the words he says embody sunlight and he’s positive and sincere like nobody else. kino may be steadfast in his decisions but he would never do anything to hurt pentagon. he wishes for all of them to be happy, and he believes that they’ll be able to continue as a group for a long time. he prays for them before every performance and acts tough even when he’s the youngest. shinwon even says that he purposely carries a lot of weight for the team and he wishes he wouldn’t, hoping he’d stay as a kid forever. he’ll become upset if things don’t go as planned, but his anger and sensitivity stems from wanting to be the perfect version of himself. even though members tease him all the time and purposely annoy him he has always said he loves his members. he knows and often feels that they all love him back an incredible amount. 

wooseok; alike kino, a lot of the older members tease him and play with him but he likes being with them and acts like a child around them. he even prides himself on being penjelbe (pentagon’s most baby). he gets sulky really often, but he’ll forget about it the next day. even if he looks intimidating he’s anything but, he doesn’t mind when the oldest members climb him like a tree or bother him during his v lives or puts him in a choke hold. his onstage presence is completely different than who he is off stage and alike the entire maknae line he’s very emotional, often crying if he sees the other members cry. personable, sentimental and optimistic, always saying that if someone doesn’t like they’re music then he’ll work harder to create better songs. so so cute you won’t believe it. you can literally tell by the way members treat him and the way he responds that he’s their baby

[championofsanghelios]

Random Idea - #001

SHIP | LINK/PRINCE SIDON SETTING | POST - CANON ORIGINALITY? | PROBABLY DONE BY SOME BEFORE. --- STORY TITLE |  ARSON IS OKAY (ONLY WHEN NOBODY GETS HURT) LINK IS SELECTIVELY MUTE AND SIDON IS THE WORRYING KIND (MORESO THAN USUAL) Link arrives at the Zora’s Domain one day, his hair a mess, his shirt almost burned completely off, and generally absolutely ruined. Sidon upon seeing him immediately rushes over to greet him, only for the poor boy to quite literally collapse into his arms from exhaustion. Sidon has him taken to the healers, who during try to apply healing balms to the burns he’s sustained but upon applying the first batch, wake Link up who in a fit of agony and panic, nearly destroys the room. Bazz and another Guard have to be called in to restrain him, and when they finally get him down he passes out again. Sidon, suitably shaken, and now concerned for his friends mental well being, arranges quarters for him during the night, and after he is checked over and given the “good to go” by the healers, is carried by the Prince himself to his assigned room. After getting him settled on a bed, and leaving a fresh set of clothes retrieved from his Shiekah Slate, thankfully Link had taught him how it worked. Sidon leaves him be for the night, and retires to his own room to get some shut-eye of his own. Little does he know the random and concerning events of the last few hours of the day were going to come back to him in his dreams. --- Dream Sequence: Sidon is awoken by a disturbance in the water of his sleeping pool, and cracking open one of his brilliant golden eyes, he meets the gaze of his favorite Hylian, who has a determined, yet almost feral look in his eyes. What happens next is entirely up to the writer using the prompt. But given the nature of their developing relationship at this point, it’s possible that Link and himself get “Involved” with one another. In typical “wet dream” fashion, the Prince awakens just as he climaxes. --- Sidon awakens with a gasp, some time near sunrise the next morning, the water around him suitably warmer due to a partial “release” of sorts due to the nature of his dreams. After composing himself, and thanking the goddess that nobody was present to witness such an “un-princely” thing, he readies himself and heads out to begin his duties, a tad earlier than usual. Entering the Domain’s Plaza, he finds Link sitting at the base of his sisters statue, lost in thought and humming an unusual melody to himself. He stops to listen for a moment, and doesn’t notice right away when Link spots him. The two of them have a conversation about what had happened the day before, and Link, out of character for himself, voices his thoughts instead of signing them. Sidon is admittedly transfixed by his voice, something he rarely heard, but is quickly grounded in reality when he finds it what he was up too.

Apparently at some point the day before, Link had snapped...emotionally and mentally, and all of the pent up anger, grief and frustration over the world and his role in it had come out in one destructive rampage against the environment.

At some point he’d set fire to part of a forrest, blown up 10 or so Bokoblin Camps without so much as a second thought for his own personal safety and wellbeing and then decided in his emotionally fueled daze, climb to the top of Shatterback back and “take a dive.” Only because he realized his actions the moment he fell and “sobered up”, did he manage to open his paraglider and drift safely down to the ground. At which point he stumbled into the Domain. Sidon expresses his shock and concern for him upon hearing that, all the while taking in the bandages on the Hylian’s forearms from the previous days visit to the healers. He asks him what could have caused this breakdown, and Link suggests it could have all been too much, that everything had gotten to him and he finally broke. Sidon suggests he finds a way to channel his emotions and his feelings. To find a better way to make them known. Be it through some other medium with less fire and explosions, both of which not only threaten his own wellbeing, but many others. He suggests talking more, that nobody would judge him. Link ponders the idea for a long moment, then asks if he would be okay with hearing his troubles. Sidon, naturlally, tells him to would be his honor to share a burden. And with that, Link opens up and tells him a few other things on his mind... ...including a certain interest he has, one who he keeps anonymous, but hints at. Sidon doesn’t assume anything, he’s already aware of his interest in Link, but he’s not sure if he reciprocates...so he just wishes him luck with it, and encourages him to approach them whenever he’s ready. (Whilst secretly praying it’s not someone else.) The story, as far as I’ve thought about it, ends there, perhaps leading into another one where the two finally do get together. This idea isn’t my own, I don’t own any of this....I’ve got my own headcanon for the pair, of which I’ll put up on AO3 when I can. If anyone wants to take this...go right ahead. I invite you too. Chop-Change-Shift anything. It’s an idea and it’s made to be molded and added upon :3

[curewhimsy]

Utane Uta x Soune Taya infodump (Shiro-Sora)

General Chemistry Uta is pretty sarcastic, blunt, and reserved, so it’s an interesting development to see her grow and interact with the pure and shy Taya as they both overcome their shortcomings together. Uta just lost her passion to depression, but that's touched on eventually/later. She's all like "I hate life" but that's because of depression. She also lost her interest in music to depression, but being with Taya and being in a musical school has her slowly regain it. Taya tries to help out Uta and make her smile but... he ends up upsetting her one time... When Taya finds out how depressed Uta really is he starts crying for her and saying "I'm sorry..." and Uta is like "Why are you crying? Nothing is your fault..." And Taya apologizes again and says it's a habit that he feels responsible for his friend's sadness. Uta hugs him. "I haven't been able to cry for years, so I'm a bit jealous..." She says. "But... I still don't want you to cry though... I like to see your smile, ok?" Taya is very polite, and selfless. He's always willing to do favors for people. He speaks in polite language. He bows at many occasions (Even in this universe that takes place in the USA, and not Japan.) He is humble as well. These may seem like quirks or obsessions as first, but it stems from his feeling of obligation to do things for people and "not be a burden," because he had friends and teachers who treated him like a burden before. When his anemia caused him to faint or miss classes, everyone treated him as a burden. When he starts hanging out with Uta, she comments on how he feels like a butler and tells him to loosen up, it's okay to be a bit more relaxed, and selfish even. Well I think the day Uta finally cries and lets out her emotions is when something bad happens to her (fighting with her father perhaps,) but Taya comes and helps and comforts her, then confesses his love for her. And then come the waterworks, from both of them! Other General Background Stuff (including their gender identities and such) Uta Utane is non-binary, and first discovers it at age 20 through Taya, after getting to know him and realizing she is non-binary as well. Uta eventually switches to identifying as demigirl and uses she/her and they/them pronouns. Taya Soune is non-binary (he/him, trans-masculine, lesbian) and discovered his identity at age 14. He is DFAB and had been raised as a girl until then. A lot of his gender identity is still a secret from his parents, even though they know he takes testosterone hormone therapy. (They assume he is a trans man.)

Uta’s mother died when she was 4 years old. This fanfic takes place in the USA, so she is Japanese-American. Uta’s mother loved music and singing, and named her daughter after the Japanese word for song. After Uta’s mother died, her father didn’t take it well. He abandoned all music and began to hate it, because it brought back painful memories of Uta’s mother. Taya is also Japanese-American. His parents named him “Taya” with the intent of giving him an easy name to pronounce and relate to for Americans. Since Taya was designated female at birth, he was also given a name that sounded female to Americans. He still decided to keep the name after transitioning, however.

Taya picked up his habit of politely bowing when he was 15 years old and took a summer trip to Japan for two months. For this trip, he studied Japanese extensively to be able to communicate with the local people. He can speak Japanese at an intermediate skill level because of this. While he was in Japan, he felt that bowing was an expression of utmost politeness and now continues to do it back in the USA out of both out of reflex and courtesy. Uta had never been to Japan. Her father, who abandoned music after Uta’s mother died, never taught Uta the meaning of her name. When Uta was 10 years old, she was mistaken as being named Utah by everyone and was teased for it. So she Googled her name. She learned that it meant “song” in Japanese. She began to learn about Japanese culture, especially pop culture and music, in secret from her father. Quirks and Funny Moments Uta’s catchphrase is “Yare yare...” (“Good grief...”) Taya’s catchphrase is “Is that sou, desu ne?” (“Sou desu ne” is basically “Is that so?” in Japanese. I combined the two. He also tends to mumble “Sou, ne” which means “oh, well,” and alludes to... his last name! Taya is smart and dignified but... very clumsy and naive as well. Uta is badass, but kind of “chaotic dumb” in certain ways. Sometimes she forgets to do her homework while doing her homework. Don’t ask. Taya loves sweets, and his favorite is strawberry shortcake. He is also a good pastry chef... Uta is horrible at cooking! She is so horrible, that she makes things mega-explode! She is so horrible, she needs Taya to cook for her just so she can get by! Taya gets completely drunk after just a few sips of alcohol. When his 21st birthday comes in the story, he has his first drink. He gets drunk almost instantly and becomes a lot less shy. He starts singing drunk karaoke along with an intoxicated Meiko. (The songs Ghost Rule and World is Mine come to mind.) Taya and Momo Momone once got into a rather heated argument over whether strawberries or peaches are better. Uta asked herself why she was surrounded by airheads. Uta buys Taya a strawberry Squishmallow for his birthday. In no time, Taya is able to think of a personality and an extensive backstory for his new plush friend. Uta is... impressed.

One time Taya tried playing Uta’s violin instead of his usual cello. He played an earsplitting tune and ended up breaking the violin. Not only does it just break, it comically explodes into little pieces! Taya wears fancy and posh menswear all the time. To every occasion. Even to sleep. Don’t judge him. Taya is 5’4” but wishes he were at least 5’8”. He has a slight Napoleonic complex, which is somewhat unexpected. It is eventually revealed that Taya started dressing in such an elegant way to make up for his lack of height. Uta reassures Taya that his height is fine. (Once before they started dating, she accidentally slipped out that she thinks Taya is “handsome the way he is” and became flustered. However, Taya didn’t take Uta’s compliment as having any romantic undertones.) Uta’s height is 5’0” and she is rather fine with it. Deep down, she doesn’t want Taya to be tall. She likes Taya just the way he is. “Why did you set me on fire, Uta? Why didn’t you just write your essay?” -Quote from Taya, when Uta didn’t write her essay and ended up setting Taya on fire instead. (Don’t ask.) Their Part-Time Jobs Uta works part time at a hat shop. This is because Uta loves hats. In fact, she is usually never seen without her favorite hat, a black beret. Even when she is wearing a different hat, such as a beanie, she still usually is carrying her beret with her somewhere. Uta’s hat shop is at the mall, in the dimly-lit corner where nobody really goes to. It is a small shop and she is the head of it. The sales at the shop are poor. The place is named “Defoko’s Hats,” after the nickname Miki gave Uta. The nickname Defoko came from now Miki thought Uta was such a “default” type of person the first time she met her, whatever that was supposed to mean. (The word default written in Japanese katakana is pronounced “deforuto.” The first part of “deforuto” was combined with “ko,” a common ending in Japanese girls’ names, to make the nickname Defoko.) Taya works part-time at Denny’s as a waiter. He started working there to pay back the funds it took to fix a window that he broke by crashing through said window like the Kool-Aid man while he was drunk after having only one drink on his 21st birthday. (Because he cannot hold his alcohol.) Taya over-achieves at his job at Denny’s and acts as if he is a waiter in a five-star restaurant. Along with always wearing his posh, elegant clothing to the job, he is very overly-polite and tactful when taking orders, even bowing at times... people have commented that he feels more like a butler than a waiter. Taya also tends to pour the drinks at the table. In fancy teacups. He pours from a fancy kettle into the cup from a high angle. In fact, he pours them from so high, he has to get a ladder. Everyone in the restaurant stares at him. Taya is quite odd, but he does get a lot of tips. And more people have been coming to the restaurant since he had started working there. He isn’t even going for a gimmick however. He is literally just being Taya. The Theatre Club Taya wanted Uta to join the musical theatre club with him. He felt unconfident in himself alone. Taya is somewhat experienced in singing, though he is a complete beginner in the acting aspect of musical theatre. Uta has no interest in theatre, though joins to help out Taya. The biggest reason Taya wanted this is because he had a play he dreamed of acting out with everyone. It’s a play he wrote himself, from his heart. Taya is alone a lot, but he hopes this play can bring him and his schoolmates closer together. This is all Taya asks for. Uta admires his sincerity. However, since Taya is a newcomer, and the other members of the club are well-established, nobody is thinking of considering Taya’s play as their acting source material, even though nobody else’s ideas are really clicking. Given his nature, Taya doesn’t speak up. They only pay attention to him when Uta tells everyone that he’d like to share an idea. The play is… short, and similar to the one in Clannad? Except with… more people… lol. Haven’t thought too hard about the plot yet. However, it has the line, “Take my hand, I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” Taya’s character will be the one to say this line. Note: Okay so I thought harder and brought in the lyrics to “Dolls” by Rozenkreuz-P. So it’s basically about a child who felt alone in the world, so he built a mechanical doll to have as a friend, though he had to leave the doll behind one day to depart to “a world beyond ours” AKA death. The doll was left all alone to age and weather. The doll comes to life and is able to move. It becomes able to speak, so it sets out on an adventure, meeting people in the world it was left behind in. The doll helps out many people with its magical power. The doll’s favorite saying is “Take my hand, I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” One day, the doll eventually breaks, and is unable to contain the spirit within it. The doll’s spirit is able to reunite with its beloved owner who created it. Also the doll is a genderless character, because well… Taya wrote this. The work is eventually given the name “Fantasia Story,” exactly like Nagisa’s play from Clannad. Taya is playing the role of the doll. In-universe, it is said to have an “otherworldly feel” to it, and even “Wow, did you write this, Taya? That’s incredible…” A few songs are composed and written by the music club for the play, and the only one mentioned by name in the fic will be the solo Taya sings. It’ll be an actual song as well, Dolls by Rozenkreuz-P (feat. Kagamine Rin). Since this fic takes place in the USA… pretend it’s been translated to English or something. I imagine that maybe IA was the one who composed the song in-universe. Friendship Interactions (From when they were still just friends) Taya felt platonic (friendship) love for Uta the moment he first met her. He was lost on the college campus during his first day, and Uta offered to help Taya find where he was going, even though she didn’t know much about the campus herself. Taya immediately sensed that Uta was a good person. Taya wanted Uta to stay longer and talk with him for a while. When Uta went on her way and left Taya after she couldn’t help him, he felt dejected, but he felt so happy and blessed when he met Uta again later in the day and got to become close friends with her. He states the memory of their meeting is enough to make him cry. Taya is very fond of Uta. He sees her as such a wonderful and special person. He cannot stand seeing her hurt or upset, it hurts him as well. Uta grows to be very fond of Taya. The kindness and pureness of Taya’s heart widens Uta’s perspective on life. She is inspired to be someone more like him, who doesn’t harbor harsh feelings in their heart. Uta grows very protective of Taya. In a sense, she becomes willing to do anything for the sake of him, even doing something embarrassing in front of everyone in physics class to take the attention away from Taya sleep-talking in class. As best friends, they open up about their problems to each other and are always willing to be each other’s shoulder to cry on. When their lives take a turn for the stressful, they have each other. Their bond deeps this way. Uta’s crush on Taya began when she saw how confident he became when acting in the play he wrote himself. Also through the story in the play, Uta felt she got to learn so much about what’s in Taya’s heart. Uta began to see Taya as a wonderful, sweet, humble, and charming person. Taya’s crush on Uta started out as a “platonic crush.” It gradually grew into a romantic one. Taya began seeing Uta in a different light when he realized she was not only kind, but very brave and willing to help anyone in need. Once when Taya wasn’t feeling good, he still felt obligated to work and to do Uta favors. Uta told Taya he needed to rest and to take it easy. She attempted to cook chicken and vegetable porridge for Taya but nearly made the kitchen explode... however, by a miracle of friendship (or love?) the actual porridge didn’t turn out so bad. However, that night Taya’s condition worsened and became severe. He needed to go to the emergency room for pneumonia and a blood transfusion (due to anemia.) Taya began to feel like a burden, but Uta reassured him he wasn’t and blamed herself. They then worked out that maybe it was nobody’s fault. This bout of illness happened shortly before Taya was to perform his musical theatre play. Therefore, Taya isn’t in top condition when he performs. However, he still does his best and gives a good performance. Shippy Details and Interactions (From after they became lovers) Taya is a very gentle and affectionate person. Right after he confesses his love to Uta, he is rather chaste about showing his affection out of shyness. But they grow to trust each other more about these feelings. Taya is a huge hugger and loves to cuddle. Uta is gray-romantic, meaning she rarely feels romantic attraction. She seldom felt romantic feelings in her life. She never felt them substantially before meeting Taya, who she considers her first, and really, only love. Uta never thought she would be big with hugging and cuddling, but physical affection with Taya gives her comfort. (DISCLAIMER: I’m not trying to state that people who lack romantic attraction are “broken” or need to be “repaired.” Other types of love, such as platonic or familial love can be just as, or even more meaningful and fulfilling than the romantic kind.) Taya likes singing Uta to sleep. He even recorded his voice softly singing lullabies for Uta to listen to while falling asleep for when he can’t be available to sing for her. Uta thinks this is very sweet of him. Taya likes holding/hugging or clinging to Uta gently as they fall asleep together. Sometimes when Taya is feeling down, Uta does this to Taya and it comforts him greatly. The Emotional Part TW: ABUSIVE PARENT

———

Taya is practicing lines from the short play he wrote himself. He reaches his hand out and says “Take my hand... I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen.” This captures Uta’s heart.

Eventually in the story, something emotional happens. Uta gets in a fight with her father over her college major. Uta has learned to love music again and now truly wants to pursue it. However, Uta’s father still hates music, and hates that his daughter’s name is Uta (meaning “song”), and hates that the family’s name is Utane (“singing sound”.) Uta’s mother died when she was young. Her now single father is distant, abusive, and wants Uta to be a business major.

Things get emotional between them, and even a bit physical. Taya sees the whole thing, and steps in at a certain point as Uta’s father is about to hit his daughter. Uta tells Taya to stop for his own good, not wanting Taya to have to get hurt. Uta grabs Taya by the hand and runs off.

Once away from the scene, Uta then vents to Taya and tells him that life has been terrible because it lost all its meaning... Uta starts sobbing and letting out all her pent-up emotions. Taya hugs her, unable to handle seeing Uta cry, letting tears slide down his own face. After crying and comforting Uta for a bit, Taya says... “Uta, take my hand... I’ll take you to a place where miracles happen...” This time he’s for real. He‘s reaching his hand out to Uta. He‘s trying to comfort her. Both of them are misty-eyed. Uta takes his hand... and smiles at him. “Now, shall we go?” Taya smiles back. “Yes...” They take a walk to the place where they first met... And after a talk about their memories, Taya confesses his love to Uta at the top of the hill under the stars. Uta’s Life, Music, and Singing Uta Utane started out not being a singer. Until she went to Sonare Community College, the music-oriented college the story takes place in, and met Taya, she had never taken a singing lesson in her life. Uta’s late mother used to love singing. Uta herself was exclusively a violinist at first. She started playing the violin in childhood. When she lost her passion for music to depression, she still continued to play the violin simply because she felt she’d come too far to abandon it. Early in the story, Uta went to karaoke with Taya to help themselves come out of their shells a bit and become less shy in performing. Their new acquaintances Ritsu Namine and Ruko Yokune gave very powerful performances of -ERROR and The Lost One’s Weeping, and blew everyone away. Next, shy Taya gave a performance of From Y to Y, and Uta found out that he actually had a really beautiful singing voice. Uta went up on stage next and sang Jitter Doll rather horribly. Her voice was screechy, scratchy, and off-key. It was actually so bad that the microphone started making a weird feedback noise. She became so embarrassed that she stopped in the middle... and confessed with shame that she wasn’t a singer, and that she just came to help out Taya. Everyone cheered Uta on regardless. It was a great feeling, and pushed Uta to want to pursue singing. Uta becomes Taya’s singing partner, and Taya coaches Uta with what he knows about vocals. Within a year, the quality of Uta’s voice develops well. Eventually, Uta is outside with Taya. A mood strikes them and they start singing. Uta is singing a solo part, and suddenly her father comes up. “Uta?” He says. Uta is suddenly revolted by his presence and ready to take Taya’s hand and run away. She hates her dad and was ready for him to say something awful. But rather... “When did you learn to sing like that? You sounded just like your mother. It brought back memories...” Uta’s father is smiling sentimentally? Uta still doesn’t trust him, and neither does Taya, but Uta’s legs somehow just won’t move. “I...” Uta starts to speak. “You know, I realized something.” Uta’s father interrupts. “I should’ve stayed strong for you. I should have let you pursue music if it made you this happy. Your mother may have passed, but... music is where she lives on. How... how have I not realized that she lives on in you...?” Uta’s father suddenly begins sobbing. Uta doesn’t know how to react at first... but Taya pats him on the back. “Dad...” Uta eventually finds the words to say. “It’s okay now. I’m sorry I never realized you felt this way. I’d recommend not bottling these things up. Seek some professional help, okay? The first step to recovering is realizing these things. I promise, things will get better.” Uta’s father never fully redeems himself, but he lets go all his hatred caused by a traumatic past he cannot change and stops burdening his daughter with his harsh feelings. Two years after the beginning of the story, Uta goes back to the same karaoke place where she first sang Jitter Doll horribly. Little does she know, her performance became somewhat infamous there among the workers for being awful. All 46 Vocaloid and UTAU characters featured in the fic will be present in this scene. This will be a party scene, and perhaps nearing the series’ finale. “Hey, isn’t she that one who couldn’t sing?” The staff says upon seeing her. “Yes, and I’m back.” Uta says. “Now let’s turn up the volume in here. I’ll be requesting Jitter Doll.” This time, Uta totally slays every note of the song with great power and technique. She isn’t impeccably skilled yet, but she’s getting there. Applause booms from the group. Uta’s improvement is as clear as day. Not only did Uta’s singing improve within those two years, but so did her life and character. Her personality is now more cheerful and less closed-off, and she managed to overcome depression alongside Taya, becoming much more confident and buoyant in the process. Eventually... (After Story and Epilogue...) Taya plans an event on the hill where he and Uta first met. It’s a formal evening cookout with a lot of karaoke. In the place where they first met, Taya proposes marriage to Uta on a day in April. They are 24 years old. Their honeymoon is in Tokyo that June. Two months after the honeymoon, in August, they have their wedding and get married. Three years later at age 27, the two adopt their first child, a baby girl they name Sonata.

[inkstaineddove]

Fall Together

Ships: PruHun

Characters: Prussia, Hungary

Summary: After putting the brakes on their relationship after her divorce, Erzsébet visits Gilbert and he has no idea what to make of it. Sequel to Till We Meet Again.

Potsdam, 1921.

Gilbert sat alone in his study, a leatherbound book in one hand and a lit cigar in the other. The room was filled by the sounds of Edwin Edwards’ sliding trombone and Larry Shields’ shrieking clarinet. It was a record he’d played many times before, one that he rushed to get after hearing the damn Amis playing it often on their side of the trenches. It was different and, every time he listened, he was always tickled to think of how much Fritz would hate it, a memory of simpler times.

Through the noise, he managed to hear knocking at the front door. He remained seated for a second before jumping up to answer it. As he walked, he again considered the idea of hiring on a skeleton staff to do all the little things he had gotten so accustomed to ignoring. As always, he imagined the lecture he would receive from Ludwig for his supposed opulence and decided against it once more. Indulgence could wait.

“Hi,” Erzsébet said with a little smile, as if she were unsure herself of why she was there. She scrunched her nose up at the smell of the cigar that he still carried. “Do you have to smoke those awful things around me? Death smells better.”

“Well how could I have known you were coming over?” Always one to please despite his protestations, Gilbert stamped it out on the door frame. He then rubbed the wood in concern. “That wasn’t smart of me, was it? Well, no fire. That’s the main thing.”

Thankfully, she laughed at his mindlessness. All wasn’t lost right away. While he was caught up in staring at her, she cleared her throat. “Are you going to let me in or are we going to stand here forever? I know we have all the time in the world, but…”

“Right, shit, sorry! Come in, you know where everything is.” He beckoned her inside. Once behind her, he checked his appearance in the hallway mirror, disheveling his hair a bit to give himself that boyish look she used to compliment him on. Feeling sufficiently attractive, he followed her into the living room.

Gilbert never felt so self-conscious as she watched him. She had this little smile on her face, as if she were silently laughing at him. Was that why she was here? She travelled all this way to mock him? Fine. If that was what this was all about, then he’d give her no reason to laugh. He’d prove to her just how perfectly well-adjusted he was.

Her voice roused him out of his thoughts. “Gil, are you even listening? I’m here two minutes and you’re already tuning me out.” Where Erzsébet would have normally been annoyed, she instead chuckled. “I didn’t think it was that personal of a question.”

He silently berated himself. Staying in his head would do him no favors. And, while she knew him like nobody else did, he didn’t think she’d suddenly become a mind reader in two years. “I’m sorry I’m…drunk.” Why was that his excuse? And now she was staring at him as if he belonged in the asylum and everything was ruined before it started. “Did I say drunk? I meant in a funk! No, that’s even worse! Forget all that, forget I said anything at all. I’m listening now.”

“O-okay. I just wanted to know how you’ve been?” She eyed him up and down. “Though now you’ve got me worried about the answer.”

“Me? I’ve been great! Don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my life!” He leaned against the fireplace, hoping to seem suave and unaffected. “So what that things have been a bit of a mess and the kid blames me for everything that went wrong during the war? I go to a bar and every woman wants me and I don’t have to turn them down! Every night I’ve got another date with a total babe and I never see them afterwards! What more could any bachelor want?” He was lying through his teeth but needed to sell it. He smirked and shrugged, feigning indifference. “Who needs the old ball and chain when you’ve got such unbridled freedom?”

“What a Hengst,” Erzsébet snickered before giving him a knowing smile. “Well, I’d hate to intrude on you and all your fun. If I’m such a burden, I’ve got no problem visiting Ludwig instead.” She pretended to get up from the sofa.

For a millisecond, his façade slipped into genuine panic. “No, don’t be like that! You know, I’ve got reservations tonight for this fancy little restaurant. I was going to go alone – which is so much fun to do too! – but, since you’re here, it would be romant- I mean, it would be so nice to go. If you want, of course, it’s all up to you.”

“What a coincidence. Are there really reservations?” She hid her mouth behind her hand, knowing that if she kept laughing at him, his floundering would increase. “It seems too perfect to be true.”

Gilbert let out a strange little laugh, one that didn’t quite sound natural. “There could be reservations if you wanted there to be. I could call in a few favors, bribe some people if needed, whatever you want and the night’s yours.”

Erzsébet didn’t know whether to be embarrassed on his behalf or flattered that he was this anxious. She settled on both being the appropriate response. “I was hoping to stay in tonight. I’m a little tired from the journey. Surprising how quickly you stop being used to things. Tomorrow, though, if you could call in those favors and make those bribes, then I’d be very interested.” She smirked, a devilish look in her eyes. “Don’t feel the need to stay in because of me though. I don’t want to deprive the women of Berlin their favorite.”

“What other women? Those other women! They’ll be fine! If they could take a century, they can take a night. Two nights, actually, since tomorrow’s our date. Not a date! Shit, it’s a saying.” Dear god, he needed to relax. Out of habit, he sat down beside her and, once he realized how close he was, scooted to the end of the couch. He could feel himself blushing and see her biting her lip to stop herself from laughing and all he longed for was death. “Does that mean you’re staying somewhere in town?” There, travel accommodations. A topic so dull he would be able to compose himself again.

“I figured I would be staying with you, Gil. Is that alright? I don’t want to impose.” She gave him the big eyes that they both knew he always succumbed to and he wanted to curse her for knowing all the right buttons in every situation. “Far be it from me to ruin the bachelor life you’re enjoying so much.”

He batted away her concerns, as feeble as they were, with a flick of his wrist. “Please, why would I want you elsewhere? You’ll be much happier here.” Gilbert exhaled slowly through his nose. He would have the same results if he grabbed his pistol and began literally shooting himself in the foot. “I can get you set up in a guest room.”

The way she stared at him caused him to worry that he had said something incredibly stupid. “Why would I be in a guest room? You know which bed I want to sleep in.” The little smirk Erzsébet had was enough to drive him completely insane. Before he could process everything, she was suddenly much closer than before. She was merciful enough to leave some space, but the lack of it was what drew his attention.

“M-Mine?” As she nodded her head, he took in a deep breath. “That’s fine. I’ll sleep in the guest room…and you’re shaking your head, so I’ll sleep with you. Fuck. Like in a platonic way? Erzsi, can’t you show a man some mercy? I’m drowning here.”

She patted his thigh affectionately. “If I did that, then how would I have my fun? Look at you, you’re paler than you normally are. Let me get you a drink. That’ll put you at ease.” She rose and walked over to the bar that was part of the room.

With distance came peace. Gilbert touched a hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat decrease steadily. He watched her move around the bar with expert confidence, not pausing for a moment to ask him where things were. If he thought about it, he was almost insulted that she was so sure he hadn’t changed the layout. “You know, the host is supposed to do all that.”

“My home too, isn’t it?” Though he couldn’t see her face as she knelt behind the bar, he could hear the coyness in her voice. She hummed to herself as she poured them each a glass of wine and beer, respectively. Once done, she returned to him and offered him his drink like a peace offering. “Here. Maybe this’ll knock some sense back into you.”

Greedily, he drank from it. The beer brought no clarity, but the familiar crutch did something to calm his nerves. He swirled it around in his glass, watching the little whirlpool at the center. Anything was better than looking at Erzsébet and risk losing all rational thoughts. “I have to say, barging into my home, calling it yours and then calling me an idiot in the same breath is a gutsy move. Then again, why would I think you’d show up just to be sweet?”

From the corner of his eye, he saw her roll her eyes and throw her head back. “Poor, Gilbert. Always carrying the heaviest cross. As soon as you saw me, you thought you knew exactly what I was here to do. You never even asked! You just saw me and went into one your spirals, thinking you had it all figured out!”

It was his turn to roll his eyes. He appreciated that she was now comfortable enough to insult him outright. Her honesty deserved his own. “That’s bullshit and you know it. What was I to think? The only reason you’d come here is to gloat that you’re so much happier now and everything in life is so wonderful and that you’re just here to cut off the last loose end to your old, miserable life. Which is fine by me, I wouldn’t care as long as you made sure to plunge the scissors deep enough into my heart.”

Erzsébet snorted. “Way to prove me wrong. You go through all this trouble to make up some ridiculous little fairy tale that has no basis in reality when it would’ve been easier to just ask me outright. But no! Gilbert and his insecurities have to try and sell me on the fact that he’s supposedly been fucking half of Berlin!” Pausing to sip her wine, she shook her head. “I love you, but you’re pathetic.”

All riled up and ready to go, he’d completely ignored the last bit of what she said. “What else could there be? I know what you’d do, you’d throw out the fact that you’ve got someone else waiting for you back- wait what did you say at the end?”

“Now you want to listen! For anyone with a working brain, it would’ve been obvious to them. How do I always forget that you’re a complete and utter moron?” Needing to calm down, she finished what was left of her wine and got up to refill her glass. “I’m not even going to repeat myself. I’m too annoyed with you.”

Gilbert sat there silently for a minute. He’d felt like an ass many times throughout his life – he supposed that was the price of arrogance – but never had it been so strong. He sighed, deciding now was as good a time as ever to start over. “How’ve you been these past two years?”

“Now you’re going to be normal?” She shook her head. Snapping at him didn’t feel as good as she’d hoped it would. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too surprised or bothered. “I’ve been good. I’ve been spending more time with Feliks again. There’s something to be said about independence and not having to ask permission to travel.” She shrugged, a content smile on her face. “But more so I’ve been spending time at home with my people and enjoying not having to speak in German all the time.”

“We don’t have to speak in German,” with ease, Gilbert switched to Hungarian. “Though I’m probably rusty.” It was an attempt to kiss up, but he was being earnest.

“Isn’t that better? So much prettier too! I’d say ‘no offense,’ but I know you’re used to it.” Erzsébet giggled at his nonchalant shrug and goofy expression. She retook her seat besides him and was pleased that he didn’t run away this time. “I’ve really been doing what I told you I would do, just enjoying that my time is now my own. I’d forgotten what that was like.”

He leaned back in his seat, kicking his feet up onto the table. “That was all your great journey of self-discovery was? Shooting the shit with Feliks and random strangers?” He couldn’t prevent skepticism from seeping into his voice.

“I did more than that, don’t be so rude.” Her tone now as she chastised him was far more playful than before. “Without…him breathing down my neck, it’s been much easier to get back into my old hobbies. I got a nice stallion for a good price, found a cabin near the Mátra for a better price, and hid out there for a few months each spring. The game is just as good as when we used to hunt there as kids, maybe even better. It would’ve been perfect, but it was missing something.”

“What?”

“You.” Erzsébet chuckled at his embarrassment as he looked away. “Each time I was there, I would catch myself thinking about you or wishing you were there so I could show you whatever I’d found. Or just to have someone to race.” She sighed, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. “It happened even when I was back home. I’d see something and want to get it for you or would meet someone who reminded me of you and then it made the whole day feel bittersweet. Two years I spent only to figure out what I’ve always known: I’m my own woman and life’s better when you’re in it.”

When Gilbert at last looked at her again, he donned a sheepish expression. “Should I apologize now or later?”

She nuzzled into his chest and all was right in the world again. “Normally, I would want you to now, but you gave me plenty to laugh at and that’s apologies enough.” He felt the vibrations of her giggling into his chest. “Though why you thought I’d ever believe you’d been out sowing your wild oats is beyond me.”

He rubbed his free hand behind the back of his neck. “I thought it sounded pretty believable.” Her muffled scoff was all the answer he needed. “Fine, so it wasn’t. Maybe I panicked a little. I missed you and I didn’t want to be too obvious about it.”

She cupped his cheek and stroked it with her thumb. Her eyes shone with mischief. “You were painfully obvious about it.” He rolled his eyes and she snickered. “We used to go years without seeing each other, sometimes decades! And now you become a mess after a measly two? What happened to you, kedvesem?”

“Calling me ‘a mess’ might be an exaggeration.” Gilbert leaned his head into her hand. He noticed that it was more calloused than before. There would be more to explore and learn about her and he was eager to discover it all. “That is a question I’ve been asking myself for a couple centuries now. One I think you have the answer to.”

At last, Erzsébet provided him with a mercy and closed the distance between them. Her lips had the bitter taste of the red wines she preferred, but how could he mind the flavor? In his desperation, everything about them was as thrilling as their first kiss. It had been too long and he felt a need to make up for lost time, to convince her to never stay away for that long again. With little urging, she was in his lap and her hands were twisted in his hair and he knew that all of heaven’s riches were worth nothing compared to this.

In between each kiss he gave her neck, he whispered, “I missed you.” By the fourth one, she was laughing with her head collapsed in his chest.

“I get it, Gil. Believe me, I won’t be doing that again.” He hardly felt her lips against his jawline. “Now more than before, you’re stuck with me.”

If that was a threat, it was one he was happy to live with. To be hers again was more than enough for him.

[nilim]

I’ve been relistening and transcribing a lot of season 4 episodes for the RQG wiki, and I’ve been thinking a lot about Hamid, about his stubbornness and recklessness - which have always been there, of course. But especially the Zolf & Hamid arguments in ep 132 and 135 caught my attention and I’ve been thinking... 

Y’all ever think about how tiny Hamid is and how big his friends are, and how most of his spells are more attack-focused, and he doesn’t have a whole lot of utility spells to help others? And how often his friends have this protective instinct to save him because he is young and small and not very strong? More importantly, do you ever think about how these facts all influence the type of experiences Hamid has throughout the campaign, especially in dangerous situations, and what the long-term impact of those experiences might be on how he views himself?

Because I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

There’s quite a lot of scenes throughout the campaign where people prioritize helping Hamid over their own safety. But the problem is, frequently Hamid cannot return those acts of help for his friends? He’s literally physically incapable of performing many of the acts that others do for him. He’s not strong. He can’t carry people. He can’t shield people with his body. There’s multiple instances where Hamid just kind of has to... watch people get dragged off into danger with the full knowledge that he can’t do much to help. 

And there’s multiple instances where people tell him to keep out of danger, even though they often expose themselves to way more danger by trying to protect him. 

Zolf and Hamid have their first proper fight during Kew Gardens, when Zolf tells Hamid to lead. It’s all a bit of a disaster and Zolf is just so angry, and Hamid doesn’t really understand until Zolf says; Don’t throw yourself into danger so recklessly, I don’t want you to die. I feel responsible for you. 

(Hamid wishes he didn’t.)

And during the channel crossing Hamid is just so seasick, and he doesn’t know how to sail, so he just desperately clutches the side of the boat as he watches Sasha dance across the deck and rigging, joyfully, helping Zolf in a way that Hamid can’t. And in the thick of the storm, Sasha sees that Hamid is barely holding on, so she asks if he’s all right. And Hamid says yes. Says that he’s fine. Doesn’t want to be a burden. But Sasha decides to go over to him anyway. And when she’s immediately washed overboard and Zolf jumps in after her, Hamid can’t do anything. He can only keep holding onto the boat in the full realization that two friends might be drowning just because one of them wanted to help him. But he doesn’t have the physical strength nor the stamina to do anything about it. He can only clutch the railing and hope. 

And when they’re in the catacombs, and Zolf is buried, he’s absolutely useless because he can’t pull Zolf out from underneath the rubble, because he doesn’t have the strength. Worse. He makes it worse. Injures himself and Zolf. And Zolf’s leg is all messed up, but somehow Zolf’s concerned about him instead, because Hamid is in shock. And when Hamid crosses the bridge first, he can only watch as Zolf gets flung into the chasm and Sasha is nearly dragged off the bridge by the tentacle monster - he can’t do anything as the torch tumbles down into the void and there is only darkness. So he just cowers down and whimpers until Sasha finds him.

(And when he’s finally dragged off across jagged rocks, his instinct is to scream for Sasha, because she was right there - standing over him - protecting him. But no, there’s nothing she can do. It’s not fair. So he tells her to save herself and just curls into a ball and accepts his fate because he can’t DO anything, he’s useless, and Zolf is probably already dead and he just doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt because of him).

And then Zolf has lost his other leg, and Hamid cries and hugs him and tells him he is sorry. And Zolf needs help. He needs to be carried everywhere, but Hamid can’t help him because he’s too small and can’t carry anyone, so he just has to stand there and watch as Zolf starts slowly falling apart. (I can help with this at least, he thinks. But Zolf doesn’t want his help). 

And Paris is doomed regardless of Hamid’s insistence that they did the right thing shutting down Mr. Ceiling. And Paris is doomed despite Hamid’s nightly escapades and attempts to help its people.

And Zolf leaves in Prague regardless of what Hamid says to him.

(He achieves absolutely nothing during the fight with Kafka and he decides just to never think about it again).

And when the Mars lot arrive, Sasha picks him up and parkours him to safety and tells him to run. But he doesn’t, because he’s not good at running, but he’s good at talking, and he wants to help Sasha. But his talking doesn’t really work.

(”Next time I tell you to run, just... run, Hamid, run!” Sasha berates him later, and he’s reminded of what Zolf said and he wishes people would stop protecting him).

And when Sasha and Grizzop and him climb the desk in Newton’s office, he’s in no position to help them at all. He can’t even climb himself. He has to rely on his friends because he’s just too weak. But he keeps failing and falling, and getting hurt. “I don’t think this will work”, he says, lying on the ledge. (Just leave me, he thinks).

(And later he learns to fly because he doesn’t want it to happen again. Not to him or anyone.)

And he messes everything up in Cairo. 

And he can’t heal anyone. Can’t heal like Zolf or Grizzop or Azu can, so when people get hurt or go unconscious he rarely gets the chance to help. His magic is a different kind. But in Rome his spells don’t work, and he can’t even help protect his friends from the heat and cold. And his spells keep misfiring and he keeps getting other people hurt. (It’s ironic when the fireball misfires and he blows himself up exactly as he intended - “Oh dear” he says, but he smiles, because his fuck-up finally managed to protect his friends).

And they save the hostages, but they lose two friends, and it’s just him and Azu. And nobody will help them find Sasha and Grizzop, because the world is too fucked up to care. And they’re locked up in a cage for a week and Hamid feels useless. And they go to the village and meet Cel and he messes up their first meeting (he used to be good at the social thing). And then they built fortifications for the village and Hamid feels useless as he watches Azu and Zolf carry things and built things, and all he can do is fly. And then they built a boat, and Hamid feels useless because he can’t design things like Cel can, can’t shape stone like Zolf can, doesn’t have the strength that Azu has. (Finally, when they decide to add a sail, he feels hopeful: I can make a sail, he thinks, and feels silly for feeling proud). 

But he can’t help Zolf and Cel push the boat out to sea, can’t help Zolf sail the contraption they’ve created. I know my role in this story, he thinks, and clambers inside the boat without a word, and tries to comfort Azu through the many hours of the terrifying ordeal. And when they finally arrive on Shoin’s island the cave is dark and he can’t see. So he casts Dancing Lights. And Zolf is annoyed at him, but Hamid protests, but Zolf tells him to turn off the lights. “Ok, fine”, he says “I’ll go fall in the water then shall I!”

And he’s angry, because he’s so tired of feeling useless - so many weeks of feeling useless. So tired of not being able to do anything. Having to rely on others and never being able to help. Tired of not being focused on finding a way to get Sasha and Grizzop back. Tired of not being able to see his family. Tired of all of it.

But Zolf just shouts; “Azu! Pick him up!”, and she does, and they don’t even ask what Hamid wants. And Zolf says; “Now unless Azu jumps in the water, can you please stop complaining?!” 

Which is why Hamid doesn’t yell when Azu trips and they both fall into the water, and Cel and Zolf scramble over to help her get back up (he’s glad they’re there, he wouldn’t have been able to pull her up). He just clutches the pontoon and slowly, carefully climbs back onto it, and he turns over and just lies there on his back, staring into the darkness, and he doesn’t say anything. 

(He casts fly on himself and on Azu, and holds her hand to guide her to the shore, but it doesn’t make him feel better).

And later, when they’re fighting the cube, he runs straight towards it and casts his most powerful spells because that’s what he’s good at. But Azu yanks him back and shields him with her body, and Zolf yells at him afterwards about his foolishness, about the mistakes he made - but Hamid yells at Zolf because he just can’t let this go, wants to make Zolf understand how useless he feels all the time and that casting spells is literally the only thing he can do.

(But when he casts fireball at the kobolds, he watches them get engulfed in flames, watches them die screaming, and he feels nauseous. And Cel hugs him before they descend the stairs, and then picks him up and carries him through the smoking corpses, and there’s a part of him that’s horrified at what he’s done, but there’s another part of him that thinks; I’m good at this at least, and; this is how I protect my friends.)

[whitherliliesbloom]

Memoirs #2: Reunion

She never once left his mind

Words: 1,443 | Rating: G | Alphinaud X WOL

A year in the grand scheme of the ever spinning world means nothing. It’s far too short a time to him, whose ambitions and goals reached as far up as the stars. He can recall so much that has happened within the span of a year in Eorzea, yet all the same, it passed by so quickly that the memories of his arrival in Gridania felt like it had been a mere week ago. 

Yet staring up at the eternally blinding shimmers of light that pierced through a thin layer of clouds, with not even the comfort of her always reassuring words and touch to ease him, a single year has never more felt like an eternity to him as it did now.

There is nobody there he could speak to, or rather anybody that could ever feasibly fill the void in his heart.

The aching is ever more apparent in the silence, as his mind torments him with memories of her.

Busying himself with work can only do so much to ease the pain until he'd inevitably be driven away. How cruel an irony it was that the kindness of those he'd been helping would refuse his labour out of worry for his wellbeing that he'd be at his most troubled and wary.

He's very much unlike his sister . During the few and far between trips either of them would take to visit the other, there was not a single time that the name of the Warrior of Light had not left Alisaie's lips. Lamenting her unceremoniously leaving the lalafellin girl quite literally in the middle of a wartorn battlefield, or the unintentional mention of what the hero would do if faced with the same kind of troubles as they did. That was how Alisaie chose to cope with her worries and the inconsolable regret for abandoning a dear friend.

Her name however had rarely ever been said in his voice - and if ever, spoken in a thin, hushed tone that was barely louder than a whisper.

Because the mere utterance of that name may become his undoing, is far more likely to tear him apart than even the isolation and his lonely fight against the impenetrable city of Eulmore.

Someone calls his name, and their presence barely registers, but he manages to pull his attention away from that mangled haze of longing to look back over his shoulder. 

A ronso of blue fur is beckoning to him, and for some reason Alphinaud can tell his voice is chirpier than usual.

"Have you need of me, my friend?" The young man turns fully now, gesturing a greeting with a lift of his hand as he barely manages to make out a smile on his earlier frowning lips.

"Aye. Well, not exactly. Someone's lookin' for ya."

'Someone', he says. That alone is enough to pique his interest. It's not often that he specifically gets visitors looking for him. And if it were Alisaie, the ronso would have said so.

"Someone from Eulmore, I reckon?" He garners a guess, and the other male quickly shakes his head.

"No, no. It's.. a dwarf. Without a helm."

For a moment, Alphinaud's mind draws a blank. He pulls up an image of a dwarf within his mind, and is hit by another wave of confusion.

Why would one of the First's most reclusive race of people come looking for him?

He's seen a few dwarves who dared leave their village during his time in the First, certainly.. and was even lucky enough to make conversation with them, though not more times than he can count on one hand.

But something's odd. Something that doesn't immediately jump out at him until he's tried to piece the second piece of information he was given.

He's met dwarves. But he's never met one without their helmet and beard. Unless...

"Seemed like they knew you,so i wasn't too suspicious. Had pretty long white hair not unlike yours."

It's impossible not to jump to conclusions, not when majority of his time has been spent lost in thought of her.

He's met many a pint-sized people without their helm, at least where he's from. From home.

They aren't called dwarves in the source. They are Lalafells. Unrestricted by the burden of tradition, he's met a good number of both the shrewd and the kindest of Lalafells in his time. And none more kind than the one who would haunt his dreams for the past twelve months. Every night. Without fail.

White hair. Oh, how he's wanted to run his fingers through her hair for so long. How he longed to hear her voice.

Without even a hint of doubt, Alphinaud steps forward, unknowingly clenching his fists as he speaks out as if in demand.

"Where is she?"

Satisfied that the boy now seemed to know who this mysterious visitor is, and more than anything, seemed eager at the chance to meet them, Eybor gestures backwards.

"I asked 'em to meet ya at the Leaky Keel. Now go."

His order wasn't exactly necessary, for as soon as he'd uttered the name of that tavern, his feet had carried him far from the satisfied gaze of the Ronso. Walking to Stilltide has never felt more like a hike than it did now.

Alphinaud's method of keeping calm while nervous isn't exactly unknown, at least to those closest to him. And if his sister were here, no doubt she'd be teasing him about the tension in his brows, and the knot rapidly building up in his throat that he has to swallow down more than a handful of times. That is, if she weren't sprinting her way to meet their guest of honor too.

But despite all the jittery excitement bubbling within his chest, there was that uncertainty and fear that this may just be some kind of elaborate lucid dream.

What if he'd mistaken? What if it were somebody else? Perhaps he'd heard Eybor wrong, and his unconscious desperation to see the Warrior of Light had somehow clogged his eardrums and hazed his senses.

He's bombarded with a myriad of conflicting emotions, and it almost forces his knees to give way.

The only thing keeping him going forward being his distant dream of reuniting with her.

Alphinaud pushes open the door to the Leaky Keel a tad too hard than usual, though the the lady behind the counter seemed to not even take notice to his presence.

Something is tugging at the side of his head, a raging urge to look deeper inside the tavern for the source of that unmistakable presence. But his fear keeps his neck locked in position.

"And how is business today, mistress Theva?"

He prays she doesn't hear how his voice shook as he spoke, prays that she doesn't see his fingers shake despite his efforts to keep himself calm.

She's always been the best at reading his tells.

The bar mistress turns around with a welcoming smile, and though he'd attempted to keep his greeting strictly between them in a poor attempt at ignorance of the special guest sitting at the far end of the tavern, she's quick to force him to finally face his inner fear.

"Look, i have a new customer."

If he could stop time now, he would. He'd pray dearly to the twelve to grant him this desperate wish, to hear his plea if they would not listen to any of his other prayers.

Beneath the cool facade that was his unflappable expression, he was an utter mess, groveling on what little hope he's been presented with.

For what else is there he could do? What else can he do other than to let his love tear away at his aching heart?

He wouldn't have it any other way.

He finally turns, blue eyes settled on the woman who practically throws herself off the barstool.

"Alphinaud."

He doesn't know when his vision turned blurry, or when the ball in his throat had built up so large it almost causes him to choke.

He'd rehearsed their reunion more times than he'd like to admit, practiced what he wanted to say on the day they would undoubtedly meet again. Even if it was an eternity away, he'd still keep repeating that same sappy, perhaps a tad self-confident speech within his head.

But the moment he sees her large violet eyes gazing up at him, and the tugging of her thin little lips upwards to form the most gentle smile, he completely fails to remember the script he'd written for himself for the past three hundred days.

"'Tis good to see you again, Illya."

[amethyst-noir]

Do you have any head canons for serious, hardcore Stephen angst? It seems so lacking in the fandom! Maybe, after Endgame (Tony lives AU) Stephen's mental health seriously deteriorates and after possibly 14000000 existences being in love with Tony (they're just acquaintances in their timeline), he uses a portal and Tony ends up with a delirious, crazed Doctor Strange in his workshop.

I’m horrible out of the loop concerning the latest WIPs in our corner of fandom - I’ve bookmarked at lot of them and now wait for the chance to read them. But it saddens me that there is a lack ofhardcore Stephen angst because that’s my favorite genre, along with h/c and a happy end.

I like your idea, anon! Very much! If you don’t mind I’ll keep it because now I kind of want to write a shortsnipped based on it. 💞

Back to your question - I have quitea few headcanons, actually. One of the ideas I had almost a year ago but put away because it’s sooo over the top goes as follows:

Stephen is a mental and physical wreck. The searching out of the one true timeline™ took a lot out of him and injured him on a soul-deep level and the fight against Thanos damaged his body pretty badly. The wounds have barely begun to heal but there is no rest forhim.

Thanos might be gone but now a lot of other, partly interdimensional threats, have woken up and started to pay attention to Earth. Stephen is the first in a very thin line of defense andhe’s ruining himself even further trying to stay on top of things but there is only so much even he can accomplish.

Wong - and the Rest of Kamar-Taj - do their best to help and support him but there’s no denying the fact that Stephen is the strongest and most inventive of all of them.

There has been no contact between Stephen and Tony since Thanos’ defeat since Tony exploded in his face afterwards because of pain and pent-up frustration. Stephen, of course, took itto heart and it hasn’t been helping his overall condition.

Tony, as soon as he had a little bit of time to process things and started thinking clearly again, felt bad for his harsh words but pride and the fact that he doesn’t know how to contact Stephen have kept them from meeting again so far.

A few months later “something” happens that’s so world-threatening that the current Avengers need all hands-on deck – including the retired Iron Man and all the magical help they can get. Stephen, of course, shows up himself. He’s not really himself and Tony is surprised at how quiet Stephen is and how he keeps in the background. The man barely manages to meet his eyes, for heaven’s sake, and only speaks up when directly spoken to. He’s distant and seems to be barely there. Tony is disappointed and forced to acknowledge that he missed Stephen’s particular kind of snark in his life and that maybe he was a little bit too harsh right after the dust hadn’t even settled on the battlefield.

They play hide-and-seek for a while because Stephen always vanishes the moment he can and seems to avoid Tony atall costs. Tony’s words have hurt him deeply, mostly because he knows that they are all true. He played with Infinity Stones and semi-gods, he doomed half the universe to death for 5 years and decades of grueling recovery now. He came out of 14.000.605 timelines deeply in love with Tony but every time he looks at him he’s reminded about what he did and how Tony condemned him for it. He half expects Tony to bring it up again, completely missing the signs that Tony wantsto talk to him one equal to another to try to sort through his complex mess of emotions and that there is not much if any anger left in him.

Tony realizes that Stephen isn’t well but before he can hunt the man down and ask questions the situation escalates into some big battle and Stephen uses most of his already very depleted reserves to help as best as he can. Nobody notices but FRIDAY, who isput on “watch the wizard” duty alerts Tony that Stephen’s life signs are slipping into the danger zone.

Tony searches for but doesn’t find Stephen, who has created a portal into the enemy’s lair to defeat the evil at its root. He knows that he’ll probably won’t return but really? He hasn’t got much time left anyway. Magic is burning up his body at an alarming rate and this is a good way to go out.

Tony, of course, finds the portal and follows Stephen into another dimension before he can talk himself out of it. He finds Stephen engaged with the enemy - Stephen isn’t holding back because he knows that this will be his last battle and so he can throw everything at that thing without thinking about keeping himself safe.

The display of sheer power is amazing and Tony, who comes in right in the middle, realizes just how insanely strong Stephen is. Despite that he swoops in to help Stephen. They work together flawlessly, just like they did on Titan, and manage to defeat theirenemy.

Stephen collapses immediately afterwards and so does the portal home. Now Tony is trapped in another dimension with an unconscious, possible dying, Stephen and no way home.

Tony manages to stabilize Stephen and is horrified when his scans reveal just how bad Stephen’s overall state of health is. He remembers the way Stephen hid from him and how he didn’t even manage to look into Tony’s eyes and fears that he’s part of the problem. He barely remembers what he screamed at Stephen back while Stephen took his words to heart and flagellated himself daily with them.

When Stephen finally sort-of wakes up he’s confused and panics when he sees Tony. It takes Tony a while to calm him down enough to explain the situation but Stephen’s too weak now to conjure a portal home. Tony swallows down the bitter words that want to escape and tells Stephen to rest and gather his strength.

“Just one more time,” he promises Stephen. “And then you can rest and recover.”

Stephen doesn’t say anything to that but his whole face makes it clear that there won’t be any rest for him until he drops dead. But he closes his eyes, turns his head away and pretends to fall asleep before Tony can react. Tony doesn’t say anything on the off-chance that Stephen really fell asleep. But he scoots just a little bit closer and retracts his armor fully so that their bodies can touch.

Stephen flinches a little bit, which breaks Tony’s heart, but he doesn’t move away. He falls into an exhausted sleep shortly afterwards and wakes up with Tony’s hand on his arm and the man sleeping. When he tries to extract himself Tony wakes up.

Stephen panics and moves away. He refuses any help and forces himself to his knees, conjuring a portal. “Here. A way home for you.” Go and leave me alone, is left unspoken but Tony hears it anyway. “I don’t know how long I can hold it open.” Stephen’s alreadyshowing signs of collapsing again and Tony is at his side, holding him upright, in a heartbeat.

“Not without you.”

But Stephen’s already lost consciousness again. Tony gathers all his courage and carries him through the collapsing portal back to Earth. His plan is to give Stephen over into Wong’s safe-keeping - and yell at the man for not taking better care of Stephen - but instead of the expected battlefield he finds himself back in the Sanctum. Stephen conjured a portal to his home in his pain and fear. The Cloak leavesStephen’s shoulders to show Tony the way to Stephen’s bedroom and Tony’s stuck with Stephensitting duty until someone else shows up.

There’s no way he’s letting Stephen go now, he realizes while he waits for Wong to come back and Stephen to wake up. He only has to make Stephen understand that he doesn’t hate him and that he’s sorry for what he said back then.

Eventually, Wong shows up and Tonydiscovers just what a wreck Stephen really is. Wong sees how Tony looks at Stephen and his anger towards Tony vanishes completely when Tony tells him about what they went through.

Over the next few days and weeks, while Stephen is mostly sleeping and not really coherent when he’s awake, Wong and Tony devise plans on how to make Stephen’s burden lighter. Stephen needs someone to take care of him in a way Wong simply can’t and Tony loves nothing more than to take care of people while Stephen needs someone to take care of him. Someone who will make him his number one priority in life.

Tony can be that person, Wong realizes to his delight. No, Stephen doesn’t get a vote, they both decide, because he’s an idiot who’ll rather die than ask for help. Literally.

When Stephen’s finally awake enough to get what’s going on he has to discover that Tony fucking Stark more or less moved into the bedroom next to his and that he’s now benched from his duties as Sorcerer Supreme until Wong finds him fit for duty again.

He forgets all about being pissed because Tony proceeds to heap tons of attention on him and it quickly becomesclear just how compatible the two of them are. Tony tells Stephen over and over again how sorry he is and that he didn’t mean the things he said back then, that he was hurting and exhausted and begs for Stephen’s forgiveness on a daily basis while showing him casual affection that gradually becomes more and more intimate.

Stephen slowly begins to heal but the road to full recovery - or as full as he’s capable of - will be long. He still can’t quite believe that Tony will never leave, no matter what the man himself says.

Tony is by now just as much in love with Stephen as Stephen is with him. He doesn’t say anything because he realizes that Stephen’s not ready to hear and believe it yet. So he stays, takes care of Stephen and tries to show him that he’s worthy of love and affection.

The whole story ends when they finally share their first kiss after weeks if not months of mutual pining and slow recovery, with Stephen in Tony’s arms. Where he belongs.

💫

I think it’s crystal clear why I never wrote the actual fic version of this thing, right? 🤣 But hey, you wanted angst, anon, and angst you shall have…

[elyvorg]

Kaito Momota: There’s More to a Hero

There’s a lot of things to like about Kaito as a character, but one of those things that I don’t see talked about nearly enough is his absolutely fantastic character arc. Yes, you heard me – while his main role in the story may seem to be to support Shuichi and Maki’s development, that doesn’t stop Kaito from having an arc of his own too. It’s technically not character “development” if you define that as a character growing stronger and overcoming their problems, since that’s rather pointedly not what happens with Kaito, but it’s nonetheless a progression that is a clearly deliberate part of the story. It’s just done very subtly – which is precisely why I like it so much and one of the biggest reasons Kaito is my favourite character in V3. I still enjoy character arcs that are fairly out in the open, like Shuichi’s and Maki’s are thanks to Kaito encouraging them to talk about things, but I enjoy delightfully subtle character writing even more, and that’s exactly what Kaito’s arc is.

So I’m going to talk about it. At great length. Strap yourselves in.

Before we get into Kaito’s arc in the actual story, though, there’s some things we first need to establish about Kaito’s worldview that are central to the way he acts during his arc.

Kaito’s paradoxical opinion on weakness

Kaito’s biggest priority is helping out other people, especially those who are weak and in need of support. He thoroughly advocates the idea that it’s okay to be weak, just so long as you can accept your weakness and work on overcoming it. Clearly he’s thought about this idea often enough that he’s even come up with his own way of framing it that puts a positive spin on things – the emotional weakness is your “enemy” that you have to “fight” by getting stronger. And as long as someone has made the decision to fight that enemy of theirs, Kaito will do everything in his power to help them through it, because no-one should have to carry their burdens alone. He’s so good and encouraging and supportive when it comes to helping others deal with their weaknesses.

And Kaito is so delightfully, excruciatingly hypocritical when it comes to applying any of this philosophy to himself.

He suffers an awful lot throughout the story – not only does he spend half the game slowly and painfully dying and being very much not okay about it (he can’t die here; he hasn’t even gone to space yet!), as someone who’s always trying to support and protect the people around him, he hates the fact that he hasn’t been able to stop any of the killings or save anyone or find a way out of here. If it were anyone else feeling this way, Kaito would be encouraging them to talk about it with their friends, because even if their friends wouldn’t necessarily have an answer for their problems, just sharing the burden rather than trying to bear it alone would help. Yet Kaito himself refuses to do so – he constantly, stubbornly insists that he is Completely Fine and definitely not dying and doesn’t have any kind of worries whatsoever.

Even if it’s difficult for him, Kaito should be willing to try and accept the “weakness” that he clearly considers his illness and inability to save everyone to be. His own advice, advice he gives to others numerous times, says that it’s okay to be weak as long as you can accept it, that accepting your weakness and talking about it with your friends is the first step to getting stronger. But Kaito refuses to accept his own weakness or share it with anyone – he doesn’t even really try to, as if the part of him deep down that realises he’s weak doesn’t even want to become stronger.

“I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick…”

The best way to appreciate what’s at the core of this apparent contradiction is to look at Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event in the bonus mode. I’m delighted that this event exists to explore the topic of Kaito’s weakness and why he hides it, but I also think it’s quite reasonable that such a thing only happens in a non-canon AU. Kaito is so damn stubbornly determined to hide his weakness under all circumstances, especially from Shuichi, that it’s perfectly natural that this topic would only get explicitly addressed in an AU scenario where Shuichi literally gains mindreading powers.

Kaito’s problems in this AU are nothing compared to in canon – nobody has died, and he doesn’t have the virus, and he’s playing an active role in their escape just by befriending Shuichi. Yet even so, something as small as briefly worrying that they might be stuck here forever is enough for Kaito to berate himself over. He has such unreasonably high standards for his own “strength” that even a fleeting pessimistic thought that he immediately shoots down counts as being weak and not like him.

But the most important statement of them all is Kaito thinking, “I can’t show weakness in front of my sidekick”. All of the non-optimal outcomes of the event, which includes the two that don’t even target that statement, have a running theme of Kaito’s belief that showing weakness to his sidekick is The Worst Possible Thing that he could ever do. The second-best outcome, which results in a familiar show of Kaito insisting he’s Totally Fine and obviously not freaking out about this (which Shuichi can tell is not entirely truthful), has Kaito make a point of how he definitely wouldn’t freak out to Shuichi in particular – as if showing weakness to somebody else who isn’t his sidekick wouldn’t be quite as bad. In the second-worst outcome, where Shuichi agrees that Kaito doesn’t ever show him his weakness (and is probably about to follow up that he should), Kaito cuts him off by insisting that yes, that would be absurd. But since he can’t shake his negative mood, he’d rather leave than continue to risk showing weakness to Shuichi, even though this means passing up on a chance for them to hang out together. And the worst outcome happens if Shuichi tries to reassure him that it’s okay to be afraid sometimes, because all Kaito hears from that is confirmation that Shuichi has seen his weakness. He hates having made Shuichi worry about him and considers this to be failing his sidekick.

What we can gather from this is that Kaito hiding his weakness from his sidekicks is, strange as it may sound, him being really idiotically selfless. He is convinced that he must not under any circumstances show any ounce of weakness to his sidekicks, because that would constitute failing them as the person meant to support them and help with their problems. Clearly Kaito has a very specific definition of “sidekick” that is quite different to the usual one: he means it as someone whom the “hero” is supporting and mentoring through their issues, in which all of the help given is entirely one-directional, from the hero to the sidekick, and never the other way around. He believes that his sidekicks need to see him as this completely invincible pillar of support in order for him to be able to help them – that if they ever realised he isn’t so invincible and has weaknesses and worries of his own, they’d lose all faith in him and wouldn’t be able to be inspired by or depend on him any more.

The best outcome of the Harmonious Heart event happens when Shuichi correctly realises that the core of the issue is him being Kaito’s “sidekick” and deliberately moves the focus away from that. In Kaito’s definition, a hero can’t afford to show weakness to his sidekick lest he fail at properly supporting him – but Shuichi is also his friend, and friends are equals who can show weakness to each other and support each other because that’s what friends do. If Shuichi sees him as not just a pillar of support but also an equal friend whom he’s willing to offer support to, then Kaito showing weakness to Shuichi won’t constitute “failing” him. Learning this is enough to already make Kaito feel better, without him even needing to open up about the feelings that were bothering him in the first place – meaning that the thing that was really bothering him the most all along was the fear of letting Shuichi down. (He’s not lying when he says he’s alright now, because he does so in a much more subdued way than when he is Definitely Fine™.)

Which suggests that in canon, too, that very fear of showing weakness to his sidekicks and ending up unable to support them any more is in and of itself the biggest worry Kaito has. It’s bigger than any of the initial worries, like his impending death and his powerlessness, that he’s afraid of admitting to them in the first place. He would rather deal with those fears entirely by himself than risk letting his sidekicks down by sharing them – he’s so idiotically convinced that showing weakness would be failing them and so determined not to ever fail them that he is actively making his own suffering worse. Kaito is so incredibly, self-destructively selfless and I love it.

What it means to be a “hero”

Of course, Kaito’s conviction that he couldn’t ever support his sidekicks any more if he showed weakness to them is stupendously dumb of him. Even aside from the part where his sidekicks are also his friends and are willing to support him too, having weaknesses and struggles shouldn’t automatically make you a failure as a hero – if anything, it should be the opposite. If Shuichi had been aware of just how much Kaito was suffering and yet fighting through it to smile for their sakes, that’d most likely have inspired him even more. Obviously the heroes that struggle but keep fighting regardless are the most inspiring ones! What kind of stories has Kaito been reading that he believes heroes are only heroic if they always win without any trouble at all?

As it happens, the answer to this question does exist, in the form of Kaito’s second and third free time events where he tells of his heroic past “adventures” that turn out to be just make-believe games he played as a kid. These two events seem at first glance to be mostly extraneous – entertainingly ridiculous, sure, but apparently not that useful for helping to understand what makes him tick. But they do still have significance, because they show us Kaito’s idea of a hero – and it’s someone unrealistically flawless. His supposed adventures are just one big wish-fulfilment tale of him achieving cool feat after cool feat, straight from the mind of a child who’s yet to grasp the idea that showing a hero overcoming genuine difficulties and hardships makes a much better story than just showing them succeeding effortlessly in everything they do. Yet Kaito still tells this story as if it really happened. Obviously he knows it wasn’t real, but he talks as if he wants it to be, as if he doesn’t have any sense that it’s childish and over-the-top and way too simplistic to truly make a compelling narrative.

And at this point, I would object to the notion that Kaito never grew out of such simplistic stories and started appreciating more complex narratives as he grew up from that little kid into a young adult. Except that Kaito is a character in Danganronpa V3, and that means that he literally never did grow up like that. He began his existence as a high school student who saw heroes as being flawless and invincible when he was an overimaginative little kid and therefore still does now. In fact, I’m almost positive that the in-universe writers never meant for Kaito to have all of these weaknesses and issues that I’m talking about here at all. I believe Tsumugi saw Kaito as merely a narrative device to further Shuichi’s character development, and she gave him the virus not for the sake of his own storyline but so that Shuichi would eventually be forced to stand on his own without Kaito’s support. To that end, the only kind of backstory she wrote for Kaito was one of him being (or pretending to be) exactly the kind of idealised hero that she thinks would help inspire Shuichi, without giving him any kind of ongoing difficulties or weaknesses of his own to work through during the killing game. And so it’s pretty ironic that that’s precisely why Kaito ended up with so many issues and his whole delightful character arc – because he was ingrained with this unrealistically perfect standard for heroism that no actual human being could possibly hope to meet. Kaito is so harsh on himself and his own weaknesses compared to how accepting he is of everyone else’s because he’s meant to be the hero who inspires his sidekicks, and heroes aren’t supposed to be even the slightest bit weak.

There is one more exception to Kaito’s attitude towards weakness other than himself, and that’s Ryoma. You’d think Kaito would have acknowledged that Ryoma was weak and in need of support and reached out to him, like he does to everyone else who needs it. But he doesn’t – because, in his own words, he saw Ryoma as a hero. It’s not even a stretch to imagine that Kaito really did mean the same kind of impossibly cool hero as in his own childhood stories, given that Ryoma had freaking shounen anime tennis superpowers, and Kaito had probably heard about that. So Kaito holds Ryoma to exactly the same irrationally high standards of “heroism” that he has for himself: a hero must be invincible in order to be suitably heroic and inspiring, and if they show themselves to be weak and fallible and struggling, then they’ve failed anyone who ever looked up to them. Kaito doesn’t realise until it’s too late that Ryoma is someone he could have helped – maybe even saved – because he’s too hung up on the fact that Ryoma failed in his role as a hero. That hostility that Kaito shows towards Ryoma for being “weak”? Yeah, that’s exactly the same kind of thing Kaito would therefore be directing towards himself when he’s feeling weak too.

Putting Shuichi on a pedestal

So now that we’ve established Kaito’s worldview and his messed-up double standard about heroes, it’s time to get into his arc during the actual story. The main core of it is his hidden jealousy of Shuichi, and one of the two contributing factors to this is the way he comes to see Shuichi as stronger and more of a hero than himself.

There’s subtle hints that Kaito seeing Shuichi this way begins to happen as early as chapter 2, in fact. In their first training session, as Kaito explains why he’s doing this for Shuichi, he says that he’s been asking himself “Is the one Kaede entrusted her wish to really this weak?” and that it’s made him feel frustrated. The only other time Kaito uses the word “frustrated” to describe his feelings is when he’s admitting to his jealousy at the end, making me think that there’s a similar thing going on here, too. Shuichi showed incredible strength in Kaede’s trial, facing the truth – a truth that Kaito himself also struggled to accept – and saving everyone despite how much it hurt. Kaede entrusted her wish to Shuichi because she recognised that strength in him, that potential to continue to be the one who faces the truth and saves everyone.

Kaito’s frustration comes from the fact that Shuichi can be so strong in one sense but at the same time still be weak and in need of support in another. In Kaito’s worldview, people are one or the other: either they’re strong, invincible heroes who inspire others, or they’re weak and deserve support to help them grow stronger. It doesn’t make any sense that Shuichi can be both, and that bothers Kaito in a way he can’t properly articulate because he isn’t consciously aware of this double standard of his. Still, despite his confusion, Kaito is able to recognise Shuichi’s weak side as something he can help with and is determined to do so, because it’s the best way that he can carry on Kaede’s wish.

Of course, once Shuichi has Kaito’s support, he starts being able to fight that weak side of him a lot more, to the point that Kaito very quickly begins to see nothing but strength from him. In the second trial, when Shuichi answers Kirumi’s protests of “Don’t you want to protect everyone?!” by declaring “I’m doing this because I want to protect everyone!”, the camera briefly pans to Kaito saying “Shuichi…” in surprise. That’s all he says; it’s such a small thing amidst the argument between Shuichi and Kirumi, but the fact that it’s there at all means that something meaningful has to be going on in Kaito’s head at that point. Given the timing of it, I believe this is Kaito being taken aback at just how much of a hero Shuichi is managing to be, apparently without Kaito’s help. Chapter 3’s trial doesn’t help matters either, because thanks to Kaito’s phobia, Shuichi ends up proving that he can investigate and solve an entire case just fine without any help from Kaito.

Since Kaito is stuck on this false dichotomy that people are only either strong or weak and cannot be both, he takes this kind of thing as a sign that Shuichi is simply strong after all, and therefore never really had any weaknesses or needed Kaito in the first place. This becomes noticeable even before the third trial: in the first training session in chapter 3, once Maki leaves and Kaito and Shuichi are discussing the idea that she needs this because she’s weak, Kaito says, “Well, in that sense, you’re… No, your case is a little different.” Kaito was about to start talking about Shuichi’s weakness and compare it to Maki’s, so he still wasn’t quite thinking this on a fully conscious level – until he stopped himself as he realised that Shuichi’s case is different to Maki’s because, as far as Kaito sees it, he’s not weak. But Kaito already doesn’t want to confront the idea that Shuichi might be strong enough to not need his support, so when Shuichi asks him what he means, he hurriedly changes the subject.

He’s wrong, of course; Shuichi still has those same weaknesses and still needs Kaito’s support, even though he’s been able to grow a lot already because of it. Kaito being unable to see this is partly because of his inability to comprehend people being both strong and weak at the same time, but it’s also in large part because Shuichi really does seem a lot stronger from the outside. It’s one thing to play as Shuichi and see all of the anxiety and self-doubt inside his head, but almost all of that is confined to his inner monologue. On the surface, and particularly in class trials, Shuichi appears to be effortlessly solving the cases and saving everyone, and that’s the Shuichi that Kaito sees. When Kaito confesses his jealousy to Shuichi at the end, he seems genuinely unaware of the obvious truth that Shuichi could only keep being that strong because of him. If he’d known that, he’d have had no reason to be jealous at all.

A really bad time to be dying

But even though Kaito comes to see Shuichi as more flawlessly strong than he really is, that alone probably wouldn’t have been an issue. Kaito should have been able to simply be proud of Shuichi and not jealous. His past sidekicks, whom he talks about in his fourth free time event, have all reached greater heights than he’s currently at (and while he might be exaggerating a bit about how much influence he had on them, I don’t believe he’s outright lying in this one) – but he’s totally okay with that and is just happy that he was the one to help them achieve greatness. It’s all fine so long as Kaito can remain confident in his own strength and keep believing that he’ll also be that awesome one day.

So the other, arguably more important contributing factor to Kaito’s jealousy of Shuichi is the way he starts to see himself as weaker than he wants to be, first as his phobia renders him useless for half a chapter, but then on a much more serious level as he realises that he’s dying. The constant pain he’s in by at least chapter 4 onwards (as evidenced by his comments about his Virtual World avatar) serves as a constant, unyielding reminder of the fact that his death keeps getting closer and closer and there’s nothing he can do about it. Even though he’s determined not to show it – because this is weak of him and he cannot fail his sidekicks by letting them see it – he has to be feeling so, so scared and powerless. And Kaito’s not only afraid of dying; he’s even more afraid of dying pointlessly. Although he’s as desperate to survive as anyone else, he’d be more able to accept the idea of dying if it were the kind of death a hero would have, some sort of sacrifice to save everyone and help them all escape this killing game, since everyone else’s well-being is even more important to him than his own. But at this rate, he’s just going to die. For no reason. For nothing.

Still, we see barely any of this on the surface. Even though Kaito really shouldn’t be hiding it so stubbornly, even though he’s only doing so because he’s terrified of “failing” his sidekicks if he lets them see what’s really happening to him, the way he continues to smile and do his best to support his friends despite what he’s going through is really impressive and takes incredible strength. But recall Kaito’s Harmonious Heart event, where even having a brief pessimistic thought counts as being weak to him, despite the fact that he immediately shoots it down and pushes himself to stay positive, which he should be able to understand is strength. Even though he’s dealing with the fear and helplessness of his inevitable death in such a brave, selfless way, none of that matters to Kaito next to the fact that he’s feeling that fear and helplessness in the first place. People are only either strong or weak and can’t be both, so if he’s feeling like this, then he must be weak, right? But that’s unacceptable – he’s supposed to be the hero to Shuichi and Maki, not the weak one who needs their support.

Kaito spends most of chapter 4, the first chapter in which he’s fully aware that he’s dying, desperately trying to compensate for it and prove that he can still be the hero. It’s the only chapter in which he repeatedly tells Shuichi and Maki that they shouldn’t bear their burdens alone, which is more than just him being excruciatingly hypocritical – his underlying reason for it is that he’s trying to stress that they should let him help, that he can help. Of course, he spent most of chapters 2 and 3 helping Shuichi and Maki bear their burdens too, but the difference is that in those chapters, he never made a big point of the fact that he was supporting them. He just did it, without expecting any acknowledgement. So the fact that he suddenly seems to subtly want acknowledgement for it in chapter 4 when it never mattered to him before has to be caused by the way his impending death is making him feel. Kaito’s words to Shuichi and Maki encouraging them to share their burdens are him desperately trying to prove that he’s not useless, that they still need him and he can still support them and make a difference even though he’s weak and dying (right?).

Think about how Gonta acts during chapter 4, constantly offering to help and trying to think of even the smallest ways he can be useful to everyone because he’s feeling so powerless in his inability to protect people. That’s a pretty direct parallel to how Kaito feels during this chapter too; he’s just much less honest about it.

Case 4: the build-up

There’s also a gradual but very deliberate build-up of Kaito being made to feel inferior next to Shuichi from the beginning of chapter 4’s investigation. First Kokichi insists that Kaito shouldn’t be Shuichi’s investigation partner because he’s the initial suspect, thus allowing Shuichi to prove for a second time that he doesn’t need Kaito’s support to investigate a case. Then Kokichi starts objecting to Kaito’s involvement not even because he’s a suspect but just because he’s totally annoying Shuichi and getting in his way and obviously couldn’t possibly have anything useful to offer him, right. Meanwhile, most of the others have started to mindlessly rely on Shuichi’s detective skills to save them and frequently talk about how great he is, rubbing in the apparent fact that Shuichi’s so much more of a hero than Kaito and doesn’t need him at all. And Shuichi himself obliviously contributes to this with his experiment with the cell phone, in which Kaito is briefly and subtly thrilled that Shuichi needs his help, only to find that the “help” consists of “stand there doing literally nothing and then look like an idiot as I log you out without warning”.

Even in the first half of the trial, things don’t go easy on Kaito. Everyone continues to hail Shuichi as their sole saviour, something Kokichi deliberately fuels, which is still him purposefully jabbing at Kaito’s issues even though he does so without mentioning Kaito at all. Not only that, but Shuichi also ends up refuting several of Kaito’s arguments, even before Gonta becomes the main suspect. Partly this is because Kaito wasn’t allowed to investigate properly and has an incomplete understanding of the facts compared to Shuichi. But still, the fact that he even tries to make arguments despite knowing his understanding is probably incomplete is a result of him being determined to contribute as much as he can and show that he’s not useless. Back in the second case, even though he investigated with Shuichi that time, Kaito barely took part in the actual deductions in the trial and was happy to sit back and watch Shuichi solve things and just give him the encouragement he needed. But not here. Not when he’s dying and Shuichi can do everything without him and he’s desperate to prove that he can still make a difference. Yet, because his arguments are wrong, his attempts to help just end up making him look even more obviously inferior to Shuichi than he would have done if he had sat back and said nothing.

Kaito’s Rebuttal Showdown in particular is great – on the surface he makes it sound like he’s helping by pointing out his sidekick’s mistake and offering to help fix it, but the reality of it is that Kaito is desperately trying to prove that Shuichi needs his help. Usually Kaito would have enough faith in Shuichi to let him finish his argument before questioning it, but here he jumps in mid-sentence because he’s overeager to find the slightest thing he can “help” with – if he’d just waited another few seconds, Shuichi would have gone on to explain exactly how Miu could walk through that wall and they wouldn’t have needed to do this at all. And Kaito is clearly a lot more bothered than he claims to be at the fact that he turned out to be wrong and only ended up wasting Shuichi’s time.

Case 4: the breaking point

While Kaito is trying as hard as he can not to let all of this get to him, and he mostly does a convincing job of pretending that it isn’t, things finally reach breaking point once it becomes clear that the culprit has to be Gonta.

Kokichi would try and have you believe that Kaito’s whole problem in this part of the trial is that Shuichi being a detective means that he’s more suspicious of others, the exact opposite of how Kaito is, oh how ironic. But Kaito knows that’s not really the issue. His principles about believing in people come with the acknowledgement that you’re taking a risk by doing so, and that if you do turn out to have been wrong, that’s on you for misjudging them. Shuichi’s detective’s instincts really aren’t so incompatible with Kaito’s philosophy at all. Even back during the investigation in chapter 1, Kaito encouraged a hesitant Shuichi to investigate any suspicion that he has (even if it were towards Kaito himself) until he’s satisfied, because doing anything else isn’t how a detective should act. This culminates in Kaito confidently declaring at the beginning of chapter 4’s investigation that even if he was the culprit, Shuichi would still see it through and reach the truth. He has no genuine reason to be angry at Shuichi during this trial – Kaito would never blame Shuichi for being the way he’s supposed to be. More than anything, Kaito knows that Shuichi is being strong by being able to acknowledge painful truths like this, and at the best of times he’s able to be proud of Shuichi for being this way.

This isn’t so much about belief and suspicion. Like everything up to this point, this is about strength – Shuichi’s strength and Kaito’s weakness.

Let’s face it: the possibility that Gonta could genuinely be the culprit is agonisingly painful to anyone who believes in him and appreciates how much of a pure, earnest, selfless person he is, which of course includes both Kaito and Shuichi. By this point, Shuichi is more than capable of enduring that pain and pushing through it to confirm the truth. He’s had a lot of practice at doing so since Kaede’s trial, and thanks to both hers and Kaito’s support, he’s spent a lot of time talking about it and thinking about how to overcome this weakness of his. It’s not that Gonta’s guilt hurts Shuichi any less – it’s just that he’s grown strong enough to deal with it.

But meanwhile, this whole time, Kaito has had absolutely no practice at confronting his own pain and weakness. The worse his illness has become, the more ashamed and afraid he’s felt, and the harder he’s tried to ignore it and block it out and avoid dealing with it. Unlike Shuichi, he hasn’t grown any stronger or better at healthily dealing with his own problems at all. So when Gonta comes under suspicion and things begin to hurt, Kaito isn’t strong enough to face it. His initial, instinctive response is to block that out too, insisting that Gonta being the culprit is just not possible and so there’s no point even discussing it.

And yet, by doing that, Kaito is running away from the truth, the exact thing Shuichi used to struggle with but has now become so good at that he makes it look almost effortless. All Kaito is doing is proving yet again how much weaker and less of a hero he is than Shuichi. The only way for this to be wrong, for Kaito to not be the weak one here, is for him to keep desperately arguing that Gonta being the culprit isn’t true, because if it isn’t the truth then he’s not being weak by refusing to admit it, he’s just being logical, right? So Kaito shifts from saying they shouldn’t be talking about it at all to making rational-sounding arguments defending Gonta – but even so, there’s hints that Kaito realises deep down that Gonta really must have done it, and some of the points he tries to make use facts that he knows aren’t true. The more arguments Shuichi shoots down and the more certain Gonta’s guilt becomes, the more obviously weak Kaito is being by refusing to accept the truth, so the more desperately he has to deny that it’s the truth at all to avoid looking weak.

Kaito gets angrier and angrier towards Shuichi as the trial goes on, but it’s not remotely that he truly is angry at Shuichi for listening to Kokichi and doubting Gonta – his accusations along those lines are not the point and are just excuses to justify his anger. The real reason for it is simply that the pain of knowing that Gonta really is guilty and that he’s being so much weaker than Shuichi by refusing to accept it is too much for him to keep inside. Kaito’s only way of dealing with pain that he can’t handle and can’t suppress is by lashing out in anger – hopefully at a deserving target, such as usually Monokuma, or in this case, Kokichi. A lot of his anger at Kokichi here is not really a rational attempt to argue that he’s the culprit, especially once that gets proven impossible, but is just Kaito trying to deflect his pain, to have someone he can blame so that he’s not the one at fault here by being unable to face the truth. He even lashes out at Kokichi by voting for him at the end, which is so pathetically, desperately pointless because he knows that Gonta is the culprit and that if everyone else was equally weak as to do the same thing as him then they’d all be killed. But some of Kaito’s anger also gets directed at Shuichi as the one shooting down his arguments and proving how weak he is and being effortlessly stronger than him. The last thing Kaito wants to do is hurt Shuichi and make things even harder for him, but he’s so desperate and in so much pain that he can’t control himself and realise what he’s doing and stop.

Ideally, Kaito should have been able to let his belief in and friendship with Shuichi support him through this painful ordeal of realising that Gonta killed someone. But of course he can’t do that – he’s supposed to be the hero and Shuichi the sidekick and it’s not meant to go the other way. Shuichi even does try and reach out to him and acknowledge the pain he’s in – “I know how you feel. I know because we all feel it” – but for Kaito, admitting that he feels this way and that Shuichi is dealing with it better than him is inconceivable. Instead of accepting Shuichi’s support, the pain of the notion that he even needs it just makes Kaito even more defensively angry, and it’s this that triggers his Argument Armament and him fighting more directly against Shuichi than at any other point in the trial. This gets even worse at the end, when Kaito coughs up blood in front of everyone and it becomes near-impossible to hide how weak and pathetic he thinks he is, and then on top of it all Shuichi reaches out and offers to help him back to the dorm, making it so obvious who’s really the hero here. All Kaito can do in a desperate attempt not to have everything fall apart even more is to furiously push his best friend away, insisting that he can walk on his own, that he doesn’t need Shuichi’s help.

Rock bottom

The next morning, Kaito’s scrambling to pick up the broken pieces, to convince everyone that he’s completely fine and keep pushing them forward as best he can. The only sign he gives that he’s not fine and that the nightmare of the previous trial really did happen is that he’s no longer looking at or directly talking to Shuichi.

It might seem on the surface that Kaito acts this way because he’s still upset with Shuichi for what he did to Gonta during the trial, but that’s not it at all. For one thing, if he were angry at Shuichi, then expressing it by refusing to talk to him would be incredibly passive-aggressive of him, which is not remotely how Kaito operates; if he has a problem with someone, he’s never afraid to let them know it. But more to the point, he no longer has any reason to be angry. Kaito’s anger during the trial had no rational reason behind it and was nothing more than him lashing out in the heat of the moment at the awful situation that was unfolding. That wouldn’t have lasted into the next morning. Consider the time he punched Shuichi at the end of Kaede’s trial, which was another emotional reaction because he was too upset to think straight and understand that Shuichi had a different way of reacting to the pain of Kaede’s death. The next morning, Kaito apologised for that, because he’d had time to re-evaluate it and realise it was a mistake. So again with Gonta, Kaito should have had plenty of time to calm down and acknowledge that what Shuichi did was necessary to save everyone else, something he’d really known the whole time and just couldn’t admit to in the heat of things. Shuichi talks about how he doesn’t feel right apologising to Kaito when he knows his actions weren’t wrong – and Kaito would agree with that. More than once, Kaito had mentioned his principle that you shouldn’t apologise for something you believe was the right thing to do, even if it didn’t work out so well. Therefore, it should be clear that Kaito isn’t angry at Shuichi or waiting for an apology or anything of the sort.

Kaito’s problem is with himself. While he’s had a whole night to calm down and stop feeling that reactionary anger towards Shuichi, that’s also given him plenty of time to think about his actions during the trial. And what did he do? He showed weakness in front of his sidekick. Huge, significant, undeniable weakness, while Shuichi showed nothing but strength. Not only that, but despite having always promised he’d support Shuichi no matter what, that he’d help Shuichi carry his burdens, he utterly failed to do so during the trial. Rather than helping Shuichi through the painful ordeal of accusing Gonta, Kaito made things even more difficult for him by lashing out like he did.

This is why Kaito won’t look at or directly talk to Shuichi in the beginning of chapter 5 – because he’s too ashamed to face him. He feels like he’s failed Shuichi so completely that there’s no going back from it, that Shuichi must have lost all faith in him, that he doesn’t have the right to call Shuichi his sidekick any more when he’s so much weaker himself. Every time Kaito looks at Shuichi, he’s reminded of how much stronger than him Shuichi has proven himself to be, how badly he wishes he could be that strong but isn’t. He’s just about able to keep up his façade and pretend everything’s normal in front of everyone else, but he can’t bring himself to do so for Shuichi because he’s convinced Shuichi would see right through it. Yet Kaito still can’t outright admit to his weakness in front of him (much less in front of everyone), so instead he just pathetically runs away from the whole issue by trying to pretend Shuichi isn’t there.

It’s very telling, during their conversation through the hangar window later that chapter, that when Shuichi hesitantly tries to bring up Gonta’s trial, Kaito just immediately starts talking about how much he believes in Shuichi and how great of a detective he is. He doesn’t even mention Gonta or reassure Shuichi that he did the right thing in that trial or anything of the sort, because he always understood that and that was never the problem in the first place. While he’s still not quite yet admitting to having been jealous, Kaito’s praise of Shuichi here is his way of saying he’s come to terms with the fact that Shuichi is stronger and more of a hero than him. Everything else aside, Shuichi’s still his best friend and Kaito’s incredibly proud of him, and that’s all that matters in the end. Facing the literal end of the world does wonders to make you re-evaluate your priorities like this.

Trying to “fix” things

Really, they should have talked about this much sooner, during any one of the awkward silences earlier in chapter 5. If Shuichi had realised what Kaito’s problem was, it would have been simple for him to reassure Kaito that he doesn’t feel let down at all, that he doesn’t blame Kaito for not being strong enough to face the truth because he knows how that feels, and that they need to stay friends and keep supporting each other, now more than ever. But Shuichi doesn’t do this, because he doesn’t realise the problem is on Kaito’s end and assumes that Kaito is angry at him for Gonta’s death. This is in large part down to Shuichi’s own insecurities and tendency to irrationally blame himself for everything bad that happens that has even a little bit to do with him – that irrationality would easily extend to assuming Kaito must be blaming him too. But it’s also partly because, one way or another, Kaito actually succeeded in getting Shuichi to look up to him and assume that he’s basically invincible – emotionally, at least. Even though Kaito ends up convinced after trial 4 that Shuichi must have realised how weak he is, Shuichi still hasn’t. So Kaito’s determination to have Shuichi see him this way ends up working even better than he expected to the point that it makes Kaito’s own suffering worse yet again, because it renders Shuichi incapable of realising what the problem is and helping Kaito when he needs it the most.

Of course, the other way for Shuichi to realise what Kaito’s problem is would be for Kaito to actually tell him. The responsibility is really on Kaito to start the conversation here, and he should be perfectly aware of that. He was in the wrong during Gonta’s trial, not Shuichi, which means he’s the one who owes Shuichi an apology. But even though Kaito already feels like he’s failed Shuichi and shouldn’t have anything to lose on that front, he’s still terrified of letting Shuichi see any more weakness than he already has. So rather than working on mustering up the courage to face Shuichi and admit to all the pain he’s in, Kaito instead spends the first half of chapter 5 fixating on a plan to fight Monokuma and get them all out of here. This sounds unrelated, but it’s not – this is almost entirely about trying to compensate for his failure in Gonta’s trial. Kaito can’t admit to failing Shuichi while he still feels nothing but weak and useless compared to him, but if he can make up for it somehow, prove himself to be a hero worthy of looking Shuichi in the eye again, then it’ll be so much easier to apologise for failing him. He doesn’t want to give Shuichi an empty apology for something that he feels like he’s still doing right now.

If you pay attention to the way Kaito goes about his plan, you can see the signs of what it’s really mostly about. The first thing is that it’s not at all for the sake of saving himself: when he announces it to the group, he says, “I’m going to get you guys out of here.” Not “us”. Just “you guys”. Kaito must know that his illness is almost certainly too far gone by now, and the time limit it’s giving him is no longer for his chances of survival. It’s for his chance to finally make a difference and be the hero who saves everyone, because he can’t die like this – he can’t die a failure.

Because the second thing about Kaito’s plan is that while of course he cares about saving everyone else, and he tries to present the plan like that’s what it’s about, it’s specifically about him being the one to save everyone else. He asks for everyone’s help in fighting Monokuma, but then insists on making all of the preparations himself, not accepting any kind of help at all in getting things ready or coming up with an actual strategy for the battle. If Kaito really, truly wanted the plan to have the maximum chance of success, he’d have asked everyone to give their input on how to best fight Monokuma – but he knows that would only result in Maki (and maybe also Shuichi) basically running the whole plan instead of him. If this weren’t chapter 5, if he hadn’t failed so utterly during the previous trial and been so desperate to prove himself, Kaito would have been fine with that and happy to let his sidekicks take the spotlight. But right now, he’s desperate for it to seem like it’s his plan, his actions that are making the difference.

The other kind of hero

See, Kaito’s concept of a “hero” kind of has two separate versions of it. On the one hand, there’s the type of hero that he is to his sidekicks: someone who supports and inspires them and helps them find the strength to overcome their weaknesses and reach their full potential. One of the things the word “luminary” can mean is “someone who inspires or influences others”. That’s why Kaito calls himself the Luminary of the Stars! He absolutely deserves that title; he is so incredibly good at being that kind of hero, more so than anyone else (even if he is far too willing to sacrifice his own well-being for it). But that alone isn’t enough for him, especially not now he’s shown such obvious weakness that surely Shuichi couldn’t possibly find him inspirational any more. Not when Shuichi has been the other kind of hero this whole time: the kind that takes action and Gets Shit Done. Both types of hero are capable of making a difference – but the impact of the luminary kind is vague and nebulous, whereas the impact of a direct-action hero is indisputable. Kaito can’t be satisfied with just being a luminary now that he’s doubting more than ever whether Shuichi even needed him to be one in the first place, all while Shuichi has undeniably saved everybody’s lives four times over.

That’s not to say this is the first time Kaito has tried to be the action-oriented kind of hero instead of the luminary kind. During each of the previous cases, Kaito often tried to talk himself up as if he’s good at investigating, not to mention directly trying to “help” with his off-base deductions as he grew more desperate to be useful in chapter 4, despite that he very much doesn’t have that detective’s instinct and should know that his worth in investigations comes from simply being there to encourage Shuichi. And in chapter 1, before he’d begun to make himself useful by supporting Shuichi (because Kaede already had that covered), Kaito spent the chapter constantly insisting that he was going to do something about the situation. He really wants to be this kind of action hero who can get stuff done and make an obvious, definitive difference. He talks big, saying he’s going to do something when he doesn’t even have a plan yet, not simply as empty words to make himself look good but because he genuinely intends to follow up on those words and come up with a big plan that’ll save everyone.

Unfortunately for Kaito, while being a luminary is something that comes naturally to him, he is kind of terrible at taking direct action and having decent plans, however much he might hate to admit it. In a situation like this killing game, the sort of plans that work are complicated plans that require a lot of thinking outside the box and careful strategising – and Kaito’s mind just doesn’t work that way. All of the plans he does come up with throughout the game – his “strategy meeting” in chapter 1, his attempt to break out of the hangar with a crossbow later in chapter 5, and especially his plan to fight Monokuma here in early chapter 5 – all use the same basic idea of “just fight the problem hard enough and we’ll win”. Kaito’s mindset is way too straightforward, so the only plans he can think of are equally straightforward and therefore very unlikely to ever succeed. Yet he refuses to accept how bad he is at this and let someone else handle the planning, especially not now, when he’s failed Shuichi and is desperate to make up for it and prove that he can be this kind of hero too. By doing this, he’s just digging himself deeper into a hole of failure – all that Kaito’s insistence on the plan being his plan really achieves is making it so much less likely to succeed than it would have been if he’d accepted everyone else’s input.

How to really be a hero: the hard way

But just when they’re about to start Kaito’s plan, Kokichi comes along and drops the Electrohammers on them and proposes they use those to get through the secret tunnel instead. Assuming he’s not lying, it’s a proper, well-thought-out plan, designed specifically to target the things standing in their way. Next to that, Kaito’s haphazard pile of weapons and complete lack of a strategy looks exactly like the pathetic, desperate mess that he always secretly knew it was. It’s a huge risk to trust Kokichi, but taking that risk is still far more likely to result in their escape than what Kaito was trying to do. So Kaito has to stand there and accept that if he truly cares about saving everyone and getting them out of here – if he really wants to be even a little bit of a hero in the end – then it doesn’t have to be his plan. Even if it’s from someone like Kokichi, anyone’s plan will do so long as it works. It looks like it practically causes Kaito physical pain to decide to follow Kokichi’s suggestion, but he does so all the same. He’s finally acknowledging his inadequacies and taking the road that’s most likely to save everyone anyway. If Kaito hadn’t been at rock bottom here thanks to everything that led up to this point, he might never have accepted this, but right now he’s got nothing to lose.

This goes double for Kaito’s decision to participate in Kokichi’s murder plot. Killing someone, even if it’s someone who’s literally asking to be killed, goes against every fibre of Kaito’s being. While Kaito’s self-destructive levels of selflessness regarding his sidekicks mean he’d have absolutely done so just to save Maki from being executed, he also makes it clear that that’s not the main reason and even if Maki hadn’t been in danger he’d still have done the same. Again, it’s about Kaito being desperate to make a difference no matter what, even if he has to make compromises like accepting his plans are terrible compared to Kokichi’s, and trusting someone he hates that much, and becoming a murderer. If Kaito wants one last chance to help save everyone and finally be a hero before his time runs out, this is his only choice.

This is also despite the fact that Kaito knows the plan is extremely unlikely to actually succeed. His unshakeable faith in Shuichi’s awesomeness makes him almost certain that Shuichi will be able to figure out the truth and unwittingly show Monokuma who the real culprit is in the end. Yet Kaito goes along with the plan anyway despite knowing that it only has a tiny chance of fooling Shuichi and succeeding – because he’d rather take a tiny chance than none at all. And even if the plan does fail to achieve what Kokichi wanted from it, even if it isn’t a perfect success that instantly ends the killing game, it’ll still help everyone else at least a little by proving that Monokuma can’t break his own rules and is beholden to some kind of audience. It’ll give them hope that there’s other people out there, give Shuichi something to work towards figuring out. It’s not remotely the grand, flawless heroic victory like Kaito would have had in those games he played as a kid, or like he’d been trying to insist he was capable of throughout most of this killing game – but it’s something, and that’s infinitely better than the utter failure he was terrified of dying as before Kokichi told him the plan.

And simply becoming a murderer isn’t the only way in which Kaito is willing to absolutely shatter his own convictions if it might help him save everyone. Lying to his friends by pretending to be Kokichi for the whole trial as well – that’s such a big deal coming from Kaito. At one point during trial 4, Kaito denounces Kokichi for the way he’s always putting on a mask and never showing his true face, which, since Kaito has been wearing a mask over his own insecurities for that whole chapter, could be seen as wildly hypocritical. But I really don’t think it is. Despite the lies Kaito does tell, one thing he hates the idea of lying about is the kind of person he is, and that’s what he’s getting at here when he says “true face”. Kaito is always someone who genuinely wants to help out everyone else, and he never lies about that. He may lie about how capable he is of actually doing so, or of how important helping everyone else is compared to how much help he really should be getting for himself, but he tells those lies precisely because of how badly he wants to be able to help. Kaito is always completely sincere about the true core of his nature and intentions and would never hide that behind a mask. Being true to himself like this is extremely important to Kaito, and that’s why Kokichi angers him so much for being the very opposite of that. It’s to the point that he outright says to Kokichi, “I don’t wanna survive if it means I have to stoop to your level”. He would rather die than compromise these convictions of his and only keep surviving as someone who isn’t even able to be up-front about the things that really matter to him.

So Kaito being willing to hide his true intentions, to bite his tongue on how much he cares about Shuichi and Maki and hates seeing them suffer by thinking he’s dead when he could fix that in a heartbeat, to act out Kokichi's manipulative insincerity and actually stoop to his level for the entirety of a trial… Even though it’s only temporary and he knows he’ll get the chance to explain himself to everyone in the end, that’s still absolutely huge. If it were only for his own survival, Kaito would never go that far. But for a chance at helping to save everyone else? His only chance left to be a hero and prove himself next to Shuichi and not die a pointless, meaningless death? He’d do damn near anything.

A hero’s story

Throughout my first time experiencing case 5, I was terrified of the possibility that Kaito was the one under that press, less because I didn’t want him to die than because I didn’t want him to have lost. I didn’t want Kaito’s story to ultimately be one of someone who’d tried so hard to be a hero but failed at every turn, culminating in his final pathetic failure at the hands of Kokichi here. The narrative had repeatedly done its best to make Kaito seem expendable, to highlight the way his recklessness is overzealous and idiotic and barely achieves anything next to Shuichi’s careful logic, so it genuinely seemed like this bleak fate could have been how it all ended for him.

But it’d be a crappy story if the hero lost so easily, just like it’d be a crappy story if the hero won so easily. Turns out the out-universe writers knew exactly what they were doing, and all of this build-up – all of Kaito’s weakness and failure and apparent inevitable loss – only served to enhance the impact when he finally managed to win. I was absolutely elated when I realised for sure that Kaito was the one inside that Exisal, that he was not only still alive but still fighting, sacrificing absolutely everything in a last attempt to save everyone. It was still only a partial, bittersweet victory, but he’d more than earned at least that much after everything he’d done. Kaito’s real overall story turned out to be one of struggling and feeling helpless and facing failure and being forced to make compromises, but still never giving up and pushing through it to seize at least some kind of victory regardless. Whether Kaito realises it or not – but I think he might have just about grasped this by the end – that’s the kind of hero story that’s truly worth reading.