#and thinking about maybe going back to school for something else
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Adventures In Babysitting Spinoff: Billy’s College Adventures Part 1
It’s been 10 years since Billy’s adventures with Leo.
Billy:
Hi, I’m Billy. I think most of you are familiar with me although it’s been a hot minute. But let me catch you up. I’m now in college and doing pretty well on the most part. I guess you can say I live a somewhat ordinary life (outside of my powers of course). I live 10 hours away from my hometown now and it’s been a little bit of a challenge for me. I have little to no friends here which is my fault. I don’t really go out to parties. I’m a good student which I great and all… I’m just bored! Mainly because I promised both of my dads that I wouldn’t use my powers here. Bleh!
I realize that my abilities can seem a bit… I don’t know odd. But they feel like such a big part of me. Not only that but I also figured out how to expand them! I recently discovered before college that not only can I swap bodies with someone but I can also swap two individuals without swapping myself. Pretty cool right?
Sigh… I just can’t use them.
I don’t think anyone else has my ability. I’ve been trying for years, doing countless research on my computer to see if I’m the only person on earth who can swap with someone. And it might just be me.
Well… that statement was true until something crazy happened.
The other day I’m sitting in my Chemistry class trying my hardest to not fall asleep during our lecture. After about 30 minutes in, I got up to use the restroom hoping I’d wake up a bit.
As I’m heading down the hallway, I hear two voices panicking.
They come around the corner and it’s a guy around my age along with someone I’d assume to be a professor. I quickly hid behind a door leaving it open just enough so I can see what’s going on.
“Professor William! What did you do to us?,” says the older guy.
“Jeremy! You think I did this? You think i want to he you??!? I’m trying not to have a panic attack. This is unheard of… two people somehow becoming eachother. This has to be a dream! I have to be sleeping right now! Wake up! Wake up!,” says the young college student who starts slapping himself in the face over and over again.
“Stop slapping my face!,” says the professor grabbing the students hand.
“Oh god! This isn’t a dream!”
“Yeah No shit! Now can you pull yourself together, people are going to think Im crazy!!”
This has to be a joke… there is no way someone else has the same powers as me. Especially someone who goes to school with me.
I look around trying to see if anyone else was around them.
No one is in the hallway…
I look back at the college student and the professor. The professor inside of the college student is hyperventilating while the other is pacing back and forth.
I thought to myself, I know I’m not supposed to use my powers here… but this maybe the one exception.
I switch them back.
“Holy shit! Professor Williams! I’m me!!”
Professor Williams looks down at his body with disbelief.
“This… how did we… oh god, let’s just get out of here. I have a lesson here shortly. Make sure you bring your report back to me Monday, okay?”
“Sure thing!”
As both of them leave, I see a tall figure with a hoodie on dart for the door.
“Hey! Come back!,” I say running after them.
They keep running and I chase after them. They head outside and by the time I get to the door, a giant shuffle of people were all outside. I looked around for the hoodie but whoever that was— wasn’t anywhere to be found.
After class, I head back to my place. I laid back in bed thinking about the possibility that someone else near me had my powers.
I feel excited from the thought that I’m not the only one. But then another thought hit me— why would they swap that guy and his professor?
Was it just to be devious? Or did they have a good reason?
Listen, I’ve been guilty of swapping my family, Leo, his friends around… hell I one time swapped bodies with a teacher just to get out of a final.
But swapping those two people felt like they did it with intent. Wait… did they know that I swapped them back? Did I just accidentally outed myself?
Fuckkkk…
I grab my phone and start texting Leo. Yes, I still talk to Leo. He said we can keep friends as long as I don’t steal his body again.
I try calling him but it just goes to voicemail.
“Hey I think I messed up. Call me when you get a second.”
Ugh… I’m sure Leo is doing something too cool with his fiancé. He met some guy and he’s head over heels for him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Leo. Just a little bitter is all.
A few minutes pass and I close my eyes for a second.
When I open my eyes back up, I feel almost disoriented. It’s dark outside which means I must have fell asleep for hours…
It takes me a second but I suddenly realize that I’m no longer in my room… actually I don’t know where the hell I am.
I stumble around the darkness until I find a phone. The unlocks from face recognition and I immediately open up the camera.
“What the fuck?”
Who am I???
Meanwhile…
Samuel:
*Billy’s phone rings in the distance, it’s a call from Leo*
“Hello?…Oh hey… yeah. Nothing much, just chilling here— What? My text? That’s right! No I’m all good, sorry about that… didn’t mean to panic you. I know! But can I like call you back? Okay, great. Thanks!”
Geez! One second in this guy’s body and I’m already having to pretend to him!
Billy… huh… you’re a pretty good looking guy Billy. My names Samuel and we’re about to get closer than ever lol.
I tug off Billy’s socks and prop up his feet. Damn, he has some sexy ass toes.
I’m sure he’ll be here soon in my body. It’s funny, I knew of the existence of other swappers. But I never thought in a million years one would be so dumb to make it so obvious. I mean it was one thing when he swapped those guys back but then follow me? What an idiot!
I unbutton Billy’s pants and reach into his pants.
“Mhmmm…”
Man! Touching another guys junk never gets old! And he’s cute?!? This is about to be fun!
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Can you do Pazzi as moms where there daughter is a little bit older and she gets bad grades and Paige and azzi help her
Bad News - Pazzi’s daughter
Sum: Saylor gets bad grades and her teacher calls Azzi
Warnings: based in 2044, a curse word lmao
Notes: was I daydreaming or something? Why is this all over the place? 😵💫 I didn’t go into to much detail about p & a helping her bc I didn’t really know what else to put so sorry about that.
Wc: 1.2k
Pair: pazzi x daughter!oc
Saylor’s Masterlist
“Hi is this Azzi Fudd?” A girl says over the phone “Yes, and who is this?” Azzi responds back “I’m Mrs. Smith, one of your daughters teachers. Um im calling because Saylor is failing my class and two others. We have tried to help her but it doesn’t seem to be working. She failed her test for my class yesterday and it’s not looking good for the tests in the other two classes either.” Mrs. Smith says over the phone
“What? That’s not like Saylor, she normally does really good in school.” Azzi replies confused “Thats what me and her other teachers have been talking about. We didn’t know if maybe there was something going on at home to make her not be concentrating, or maybe her friend group?”
“No, No there’s nothing going on at home. As for her friend group I don’t really know. I’ll talk to her other mom and we will try to figure it out, thank you for calling” Azzi says to mrs. smith with both of them saying byes then hanging up
Azzi sighs pulling the phone from her ear and going to Paige’s contact- not knowing if she’s gonna answer or not because Paige was at a photo shoot
“Hey Az, what’s up?” Paige says over the phone after picking up on the 2nd ring “are you busy?” Azzi asks “nah, I just left the photo shoot figured I would stop at the store and get stuff for dinner and then maybe bring home some lunch? You good with chipotle or you want something else?” Paige asks
“Chipotle is fine, but um I just got a call from one of Saylors teachers” Azzi says to Paige, “What? Is Saylor ok? Do I need to go get her from school?”
“No. No, she’s fine but she’s failing some of her classes and her teachers are worried somethings going on at home or with her friends” Azzi says while packing her duffel and starting to walk to her car
“Well nothings going on at home and she should only be talking to her friends at school. She’s still grounded. So I don’t know what could possibly be happening in her friend group at school for her to be failing multiple classes. Hey I’m gonna FaceTime you I’m about to start driving”
Azzi doesn’t answer and just waits for the FaceTime call, accepting it when it appears on her phone “maybe it’s the grounding?” Azzi says confused while watching Paige start driving and turn onto the main road
“If it is the grounding she needs to get over it immediately. She knew she wasn’t gonna get away with sneaking out, we would have found out eventually. We need to just sit her down and make her talk to us-“ Paige starts but Azzi cuts in “but that’s easier said than done”
“Exactly!” Paige starts “FUCK! What is happening with her? Is it us? Did we do something to make her start acting out? Do we need to get her like a therapist or something?” Paige stresses
Azzi has already started making her way home while Paige was going to the store. “I don’t think we’ve done anything. She started acting out like 2 years ago-“
“When we had her transfer schools.” Paige cuts in “Do you think that’s it? She’s mad at us for her transferring so she’s punishing us by acting out?” Azzi says pulling into the garage and sitting in the car
“I can’t think of anything else, can you?” Paige asks still driving to get to the store
“No, not really.” Azzi sighs “I just want our daughter back to her normal self. It’s like she’s possessed by something.” Azzi now stresses
“I get it mama, I do. I want her back too but I don’t know, maybe we do family therapy?” Paige asks pulling into a parking spot at the store and grabbing her phone from the phone holder on the dashboard
“Couldn’t hurt” Azzi says pinching the bridge of her nose “I’ll let you go I can see you just pulled into the store. Im probably gonna go take a shower and then start cleaning, let me know what you decide for dinner yeah?”
“You go it. I love you” Paige responds
“I love you too”
After a few hours of Paige and Azzi hanging out and watching movies, Saylor finally gets home and walks through the door
“Hey baby come in the living room for a few please” azzi says out to Saylor who was a few rooms away literally just walking through the door
“Give me a sec mom” Saylor shouts taking off her shoes by the front door and setting her backpack by them. Saylor grabs the emergency phone and then walks to the living room, tossing it onto the cushion next to Azzi
“What do I have to be in here for?” Saylor asks “here take a seat” azzi says pointing to the love seat across from Paige and Azzi, making Saylor look at her confused but doing it anyway
“Your teacher called, saying that your failing a few different classes” azzi started “We have to ask, are you actually struggling or are you just faking it as a way to get back at us for grounding you? Cause we can help you if you’re actually struggling or we can pay someone to tutor you but we’re not gonna do that if you’re just trying to get back at us.” Paige finishes for Azzi
Saylor just stays quiet with her head down looking at her hands making Paige and Azzi look at each other before Paige starts speaking again. “Saylor. Do you need help with school?” Paige says with a soft voice Saylor just keeps looking at her hands “bug?” Paige says still with a soft voice
Saylor takes a second before nodding her head slowly “you do need help?” Azzi asks making Saylor shake her head again
Paige and Azzi both get up and sit on either side of Saylor both hugging her “that’s all you had to say Saylor, you didn’t have to go through all that homework and tests knowing you were gonna fail. We would’ve helped you” Azzi says with her lips pressed against Saylors temple
Saylor just leans into both of them “hey, what are you struggling with?” Paige says softly
“Math, science, and history” Saylor mumbles out “well we can help you with those. Unless you want a tutor? Your choice” Paige says kissing Saylors temple while Azzi’s rubbing her back
Saylor just cuddles closer to Paige’s chest making her laugh “was that your answer?” She says amusingly making Saylor have a small smile on her face while nodding
“Alright” Azzi says giving Saylor another kiss on her forehead before standing up “you wanna help me with dinner and then after we can take a look at your homework? Maybe we can make some cookies too.”
Saylor looks up with her head still placed on Paige’s chest, and nods making Paige stand up and then pull Saylor up to her feet. “Cmon let’s go make dinner, I’m hungry” Paige says pulling Saylor and Azzi to the kitchen making both of them laugh but follow her anyways.
That’s how the Bueckers family spent the rest of their evening. Cooking dinner, baking cookies, and doing homework.
@melpthatsme
#paige bueckers#paige bueckers x fem!reader#paige bueckers x oc#paige bueckers x reader#paige x reader#uconn x reader#azzi fudd#paige bueckers fic#wnba x reader#pazzi x daughter!oc#pazzi fics#paige x azzi#azzi35#starlighttsv’s works
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persona 5 royal, but in which akira is self-aware. aware that he is a puppet on a string bound by another human of some other realm. he notices there are times in the day where he is alone, empty, with nothing controlling him, like in the mornings or afternoons while he is at school. during other times, however, he has no control over his own existence. he opens his phone to see text messages from ann, ryuji and yusuke. he wants to give yusuke some space after everything he's been through. he wants to see ann because she's been lonely. his fingers type a reply to yusuke instead. he listens to what his friend has to say, but he only has two or three thoughts in his head to say in response. none of them sound like something he would say on his own, but yusuke seems happy enough. they are closer than ever before.
akira wants to do his own thing in the evenings. he'd rather be alone after that very stressful experience. but yet again, he is taking a train to kichijoji, only to have akechi say he is busy and can't see him. akira walks away and watches akechi stand outside for hours, never moving. he chooses to play darts with other people, yet he is not throwing of his own accord. he has never played before. how does he get a perfect score? he does not want a relationship with his own teacher. he is too young to even think about it. yet he finds himself accepting, even though that is the last thing he wants.
he is aware that in the metaverse, the control over him tightens to unbearable levels. he can't even move my himself, being dragged along by fate as he attacks shadow after shadow, even when his injured body is being dragged along by this mysterious force. he gets struck by a shadow. he feels his body falling. of course he's angry that he died, there is so much that needs to be done in the world, but he is free from that demon at last. maybe his next life will be his own, he'll be in control like he was before he moved go yongen-jaya for a year.
he opens his eyes in a saferoom. he hears queen talking with oracle about their next move. they had this conversation before, way back before joker began to get so reckless. crow looks at him strangely. no one else notices. before joker can say anything, he is being dragged towards the door, and everything begins again.
#dana's musings#persona 5#persona 5 royal#p5#p5r#persona 5 spoilers#persona 5 royal spoilers#p5 spoilers#p5r spoilers#akira kurusu#goro akechi#ann takamaki#ryuji sakamoto#yusuke kitagawa#futaba sakura
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Heyyy
I hope you're having a good day/night/else?
It's 2025 soon and I was wondering if (maybe) you could do a Walker Scobell x reader at like a new year party and Walker confess ? Please?
If you don't want to it's totally fine, byeeee
Midnight Confessions
The excitement of the New Year's Eve party filled the air as you made your way into the crowded room. The lights flickered above, and the laughter of your friends echoed around you. Everyone was excited to for the new year, but as soon as your eyes found Walker in the crowd, everything seemed to slow down.
It wasn’t that you weren’t used to seeing him, but tonight felt different. You and Walker had been friends for a while now ever since the beginning of the school year, to be exact. But as you watched him across the room, laughing with his friends, something inside you tingled. Maybe it was the way he looked under the soft glow of the lights, or how effortlessly he smiled. Whatever it was, you couldn’t deny that recently, your feelings for him have felt… different.
As you made your way over to him, your heart started to race a little. He smiled at you when you finally reached him, his face lighting up like it always did when he saw you. “Hey, you made it,” he said with a grin, his voice filled with excitement. “I’m glad you came.”
“Of course, wouldn’t miss it,” you replied, trying to act calm, but your nervousness was starting to creep in. “Happy New Year, Walker.”
“Happy New Year,” he said, raising his cup to you. “So, how’s your night going so far?”
“It’s great,” you answered, glancing around at all the people dancing, laughing, and celebrating. But you couldn’t help going back to focusing on him. “A bit loud, but... I guess that’s what you expect at a New Year’s party.”
Walker laughed and nodded. “Yeah, it’s pretty crazy in here. But hey, it’s the new year, right?”
You nodded in agreement, but your mind was elsewhere. Tonight was special there was a weird feeling in the air that you couldn’t shake. You had been friends for a while, but lately its felt more intimate between the two of you and you couldn't shake the feeling.
“So… this is fun,” you say awkwardly, trying to break the silence.
Walker shifted slightly, his gaze becoming more serious as he looked at you. “Yeah, but... there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
Your heart skipped a beat. You were suddenly aware of the quiet hum of music in the background, as the chatter of everyone around you began fading. You turned your attention fully to him, your nerves heightening. “What is it?”
He hesitated, his eyes flicking to the side for a second before returning to meet yours. "You know, we’ve been friends for a while now. And I don’t want to make things awkward, but" he exhaled nervously "I umm, i’ve been thinking about this for a while."
Your stomach fluttered, a mix of concern and confusion building. What was he about to say? “What’s wrong walker?” you asked softly.
“I... I like you, okay?” he said quickly, his words rushing out in a nervous tone. “I really like you. More than just as a friend, but I'm not sure if you feel the same way. And I didn’t want to mess things up, you know? Its like totally fine if u don't or whatever” he said in a nervous scramble.
Your breath caught in your throat, the room spinning slightly. You stared at him for a moment, trying to process what he had just said. Walker liked you. More than a friend. It was hard to wrap your head around.
“I—I didn’t know you felt that way,” you said slowly, your voice a little shaky. "I didn’t think you’d... I mean, you never said anything before."
Walker ran a hand through his hair, clearly nervous. “I know. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I thought maybe it was just me. But I couldn’t keep it in anymore.” he said in a more serious tone whilst scratching the back of his neck.
Your heart was seriously pounding now. He had just confessed, and you didn’t know what to say. You had always thought of Walker as a good friend, someone you could count on, I mean, I guess recently you've been feeling a bit different about him, but you went exactly sure what it was. But hearing walker say those words made everything feel different.
You took a deep breath, trying to calm your racing thoughts. “Walker, I didn’t—wow. I didn’t know you felt that way either. I’ve been thinking about you a lot more lately, but... I don’t know. I’ve just always seen us as friends.”
“I get it,” he said quickly, as he turned away avoiding eye contact. He took a second before looking back at you with saddened eyes. “I didn’t want to make things weird, but I think... I think I just needed to tell you. I’ve been trying to act like everything’s normal, but I feel like I’m lying to myself.”
You smiled at him gently, as your heart began filling with warmth. “I’m glad you told me. I don’t want things to be awkward either, but... I like you too, Walker. I’m just not sure where this leaves us.”
Walker’s eyes lit up with hope, his smile wide and full of happines. “Really?”
You nodded chucking at his excitement. “Yeah. Really. It’s just... everything’s moving so fast, you know? I didn’t expect this to happen tonight.” you said truthfully.
“I didn’t either,” he admitted, laughing. “But here we are, .... maybe we can start with a date, and see how we go.” walker asked.
But before you could agree to what walker said, the countdown for the new year began, taking over the whole room.
“Ten! Nine! Eight!”
Walker moved a little closer, his eyes not leaving yours. There was a soft tension in the air now, one of understanding. This was a start of something special between the two of you and what better time to start it then the New Year.
“Seven! Six! Five!”
Your heart was racing as you met his joyful gaze. You could feel the butterflies swirling in your stomach as the seconds ticked down to midnight.
“Four! Three! Two!”
As the clock stroked midnight, everything seemed to fall into place. Walker stepped closer, his face just inches from yours, and for a moment, the world felt still. He hesitated, then gently pressed a quick, shy kiss to your cheek.
When he pulled back, his face was flushed, but he was smiling, and you couldn’t help but smile back.
“Happy New Year,” Walker murmured, his voice soft as his forehead lightly rested against yours.
“Happy New Year,” you replied, your heart racing, knowing this was the start of something special.
A/N: hope u all enjoyed lmk any feedback u may have thank u.
Tags: @sophand4n4, @kaiwrites092
#percy jackson#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson x you#percy jackson x y/n#walker scobell#walker scobell fluff#walker scobell x reader#walker scobell x reader fluff#walker scobell imagine#walker scobell x you#walker scobell x y/n#walker scobell imagines#mason thames x reader#mason thames#jacob tremblay#charlie bushnell#dylan hoffman#malachi barton#Valentina reads#charlie bushnell smut#luke castellan smut#walker x reader#walker x you#walker x y/n
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Thinking about how kind of insane Romana's journey is
Ok so imagine that you're a recent college grad, did very well, high honors, stem major with a polysci minor or something like that
And then, like very shortly after you graduate, a literal god kidnaps you and puts you on a fetch quest where the continued existence of the spacetime continuum is on the line.
This is not as big of a deal for you compared to someone else, as you come from a society that deals with time stuff on the regs. Granted, the stakes at play are pretty damn dire, but again, you majored in the sciences of your society, which have advanced to the point of being viewed as borderline sorcery to most other civilizations
You're assigned a partner for this, another member of your society. This makes sense, while you're up for the task, having another person equally qualified will probably make the whole thing easier.
Only the guy the literal god gets for your partner is the biggest weirdo your society has ever produced. He barely graduated every school he was in and currently lives out of an old busted up van that he stole literal lifetimes ago and also barely works.
But you go along anyway and start the fetch quest. On the final leg, you end up encountering a woman that you just become enraptured with, though you'll never externalize this at the time, nor examine why you, a woman, may be feeling the things you're feeling about this other woman.
The fetch quest is over and time is saved and all that, but you're still traveling in the busted up van with this absolute freak, although his charm has grown on you. You're still fixated on that woman though, to the point where you self induce complete cellular remixing to become an exact body double of that woman. You don't examine why exactly you did this.
You keep traveling with the weirdo, and you're really starting to like his shtick, so much that you resolve to start aping it, only better (certainly with better dress sense at the very least), and hey, maybe you don't wanna go home, at least for a bit.
Eventually you two get trapped in a parallel dimension, you accidentally pick up an annoying teenage boy, but you don't have to deal with him for very long, as when your weirdo friend finally figures out how to get out of there, you stay behind to help some furries or something. You'll get back on your own time. Also you took the robot dog with you (he had a robot dog this entire time).
Some time passes and you eventually not only make it back to your own reality, but also your home. You end up meeting another woman who your weirdo friend hung out with before you met him, and she also triggers those feeling you had that last time made you commit the ultimate form of identity fraud.
But no time to ruminate on any of those unexplored things, you run for president, and win. Congratulations, you are now in charge of your entire society after what timescale-wise basically amounted to taking a slightly longer than normal gap year after graduating from college.
That is the tale of Romanadvoratrelundar, aka Romana, aka Fred
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Yeah, the hype did make it sound like something a lot more substantial than just whether they think Charles should be in prison for his crimes.
I mean, at least Schism had a coherent idea, even if I thought Logan was a raging hypocrite more interested in punishing his former friend than anything else. He thought that they needed to go back to the mansion/school setting and he set that up. And while there were times when the students had to defend themselves, he wasn't sending them on missions (at least from what I remember. I wasn't a regular reader of Wolverine and the X-Men.)
I'd kind of assumed we'd have more of a "we need to raze this place to the ground and show humans why they shouldn't imprison mutants" vs. "we need to get our people out but lay low and not antagonize a much more powerful force." That's a conflict that at least kind of makes sense to me. I THINK that maybe was what Hank was getting at when he told Scott that they'd beaten him up, but he still thinks Scott didn't have a choice - meaning, I assume, didn't have a choice about leaving vs. destroying the place and freeing everyone.
But that didn't really come across here like it should have. Rogue seems way too indifferent to Fred, Terry and Kyle. And she certainly isn't making any motion to save Sarah Gaunt. She doesn't even seem mildly regretful that she brought the woman back here. She seems to be ONLY mad about Charles. And that's fine, but an epic Xavier vs. Magneto ideological rift, it really isn't. I'm not really sure everyone on Rogue's team even agrees with her about Charles.
Maybe the idea was that Ellis would threaten Alaska/Louisiana, Scott believes her and thinks that even if they incapacitate her there, someone else likely has their hand on the button. Then they drag Rogue away. So her anger would be as much about being forced to leave and having to compromise her ethics rather than just finish things?
I could buy that, and it'd be an interesting touch - if Scott had had Kwannon or Quentin mind control her and force her out. Or if he'd had Illyana teleport her specifically. That would have been an interesting point of argument - she could even accuse his people the way Xavier uses his power to enforce what he wants.
But it didn't happen that way. Instead, we get a weirdly hypocritical Rogue, a Scott who does read somewhat OOC but with a little more plausible deniability (there are times when his strategic ability fails after all, and he's at least pretty consistent throughout the issue), and a rather befuddled reader.
I did like the Hank-and-Scott moments though and reminds me once again that I used to kind of ship them. <3
Uncanny X-Men #8 review - Raid on Graymalkin finale
Raid on Graymalkin has been a strange event in a lot of ways. It happened very early after an editorial and creative team change, it's only four issues spread over 2 books, and perhaps most of all, editorial both spoiled the ending and hyped up an ideological divide between Rogue and Cyclops. The big question is 'was the hype paid off?' Sadly, no - Uncanny #8 doesn't so much land the plane as crash it into a mountain. A plane crash can be a spectacle though, let's break it down. At the very least it looks great. This is a long one, so strap in.
We get to know Scurvy a little better.
X-Men #9 ended with both teams in Scurvy/ Philip's psychic thrall and Charles Xavier taking the stage after Kurt and Kwannon freed him. Uncanny #8 opens with his POV of his recent history, showing a 'Not All Mutants' mutant and how he ended up in an abusive relationship with a right wing podcast host. Well, it shows how they met, how his powers work, and how Warden Ellis has used him.
His powers aging him drastically explains why he's reluctant to go all out and perhaps how his powers helped an Infowars knock off to get this job. YMMV on whether this makes him sympathetic; it's certainly a 180 from the plain pathetic he has been portrayed as thus far. We spend a lot of time with him this issue, but it's all so vague I don't feel like we actually know all that much about him. He is portrayed as a victim, though he's also in the process of frying our heroes' brains and enslaving people. On the other hand, we get so little of his motivations and feelings that there's not much there. Villains/antagonists need to be developed to be interesting, and I'm not sure if Scurvy is a victim of Ellis' crusade or a self hating mutant who gave 'everything to a dream' for ... reasons. He's literally killing himself and it'd be good to know why.
Scurvy has been hyped as a Psychic on par with Xavier, something Xavier himself hasn't exactly confirmed but he has admitted Scurvy is an obstacle. They haven't met but Scurvy's been aware of Xavier, presumably because he's world famous and announced Krakoa to everyone on the planet. Scurvy suggests it's more than that - he and Charles are part of a group of five mutants called Avians, one of whom died - Harvey X. Chuck has had an oversized presence in Simone's Uncanny X-Men and another vague mystery about him takes up space that could be used to develop other characters - The Outliers, Jubilee, Nightcrawler. This 'Avian' business feels like The Twelve and other similar half baked plots, and how can Charles have a tumour if he's in a relatively new body? He died last in Inferno AFAIK, but more than that it feels unnecessary. I'm not invested in believing or disbelieving it, though Chuck dying might make X-Manhunt more interesting.
Chuck isn't showing up again until March, and Scurvy ages 10 years during this issue. Why are we spending all this time on these people that aren't main characters? Does Xavier really need to be part of some special unexplained group? He's been a very special and prominent part of the X-Men since 1963 - new old girlfriends and vague hints of specialness feel like mystery box overkill. Maybe Scurvy is lying as part of their psychic battle. Laws of narrative economy suggest otherwise, but either way - what's the point? Also, Avians? Are they birds? Maybe it's a Shi'Ar thing but right now it sounds ridiculous. Avians 🙄
Juggernaut knocks Rogue out of Scurvy's control and she thinks she has time to do the same to one other person. She apologises to Gambit for not choosing him and picks Cyke as the tactical choice, nearly knocking his head off. He snaps out of it too and shit gets bizarre.
For some reason Scott chooses this moment to berate Rogue for 'bringing kids into a war zone' which is a super valid point but I find it difficult to believe he'd bring it up while they're on the back foot and threats are everywhere. Rogue's answer is even more puzzling. I can believe she'd make an appeal to emotion but it's not a real answer. 'At least we don't have Magneto on our team' is not a rebuttal to nearly getting children killed, but it also does not make sense.
Magneto has been reformed for YEARS at this point and was a driving force behind Krakoa. She's saying like he's some irredeemable villain when he's the most heroic he's ever been. He and Rogue had zero interaction on Krakoa, where he was considered a national hero and famously was very tight with her hero Xavier. If she has an issue with the sins that came to light after Inferno, then she wouldn't be so charitable to Chuck, either. Maybe it's Scurvy's influence, but if so then what's the point? This isn't ideology, it's dodging the question at worst or petty bickering at best. Has Rogue forgotten her extensive history with Magneto, or her own start as a villain? What about her husband's involvement in the Mutant Massacre or her parents' unrepentant villainy? When considered in the context of Simone saying that Rogue and Cyclops would occupy the Xavier/Magneto relationship it looks like a missed shot. You'd have to ignore decades of history to make it work. Sigh, this was an unforced error and it really bums me out.
'I'm never going to be you and you're never going to be Professor X' is flat out weird. Cyclops answer of 'good' is consistent with his argument last issue, but it makes it look like they're not having the same conversation. Finally they realise they're in a war zone and only now does Rogue defer to Cyclops. Oookayyy. They say 'Magik and Wolverine' together in a moment that's both cheesy as hell and should underline their commonalities. I'm almost feel bad ragging on this, but it's not executed well. At least Rogue is consistently characterised as a cowboy. That's something.
Magik and Wolverine start freeing people then stop to agree not to kill each other. Deathdream says weird stuff, as usual, and the two make up. Jitter has her second instance of love heart emoji'ing a woman, which is cute but still deniable as actual WLW representation. I hope Simone cashes this cheque.
Queerness should be something that's not notable in a perfect world, just a part of the character. We don't live in a perfect world though, and we don't know a lot about Jitter. We know her powers, that she's Malay Singaporean, that she has a stutter, and that she possibly likes women. It's not enough for issue #8 of the flagship series. The choice was made to heavily focus on Xavier and Sarah Gaunt, and a casualty of that was getting to know main characters. It wouldn't be such a big deal if the payoff was worth it, but what did we actually learn? Instead of giving readers a break from Charles Xavier, he's been a regular presence. His appearance in this event could have been more impactful but I feel like we never had a chance to miss him.
Kwannon and Kurt reveal that Scurvy made them fight, which Rogue is aware of, and she adds that 'we're broken.' I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but this undermines the stakes of the ideological conflict. Is it manufactured or isn't it? None of them consider attacking Scurvy while he's fighting Xavier, either. Nobody is acting like they're in danger. It feels unserious, like the characters are just waiting for things to happen to them.
At this point I don't really care who Inmate X is. Uncanny X-Men has been dropping these mystery boxes that readers can only guess at, and like with Harvey X being the one pulling strings, it comes out of nowhere. It's another Avian, which means nothing to us beyond a vague implication of specialness. We know that Ellis considers it a bad thing if he get out of his cell, but that doesn't narrow it down aside from it being a he.
Aw, cripes - popular gen Z saying
Interestingly, Xavier's astral form is that of his Cerebro-helmeted onesie twink. It could reveal that he hasn't changed at all in how he sees himself and his role as shepherd of mutantkind. It's very different from his classic astral battle appearance, and I love it thematically and visually. Scurvy and Chuck as astral giants towering over the schoolprison is striking, though the casualness of their dialogue mutes it somewhat.
Not sure how Ezra or Ellis can tell Scurvy is losing a battle on the astral plane, but she does what she should have done before this and gets a gun. Calico is overjoyed that the Outliers (except Jitter) came for her, but what could be a heartwarming moment is undercut by their dulled expressions. I can buy Deathdream doing this, but Ransom has been emotionally aware prior to this. We have zero details, but aren't these kids tight after months of being on the run together?
It's finally time to stop standing around, as Ellis and guards are here with guns. The X-Men, having already beat up plenty of these dudes, aren't impressed. They stand together (no idea where Chuck and Scurvy got to) and Cyke urges her to stand down, pointing out that they're not as nice as the Avengers. Rogue agrees in the shittiest way possible, thinking 'sometimes visor boy says jus the right thing.' Weird ableist stance from Rogue, but all it does is highlight how shallow their conflict is and remind us that Gail Simone doesn't like Cyclops.
Ellis doesn't blink, telling them her 'brother died because of trash like you.' We knew this already, and I'm wondering if there's anything else to her. She's established as a threat but she's not especially interesting. She helped with Sarah Gaunt out of empathy (?) but here she is flinging the same old slurs. I'm not sure if her dark skin is meant to be noteworthy or say anything. So far it hasn't been a part of her character in any way other than visual, no commentary on how someone who has experienced minority oppression becomes so hell-bent on dealing it out herself. How does a person become willing to enslave and torture, and even (as we'll see) destroy two towns with thousands of humans in them? Her brother died, sure, but that's thin characterisation for a multi-arc villain.
Chuck wallops Scurvy with an uppercut!
Ellis brings out The Trustees again (who the X-Men easily defeated) to have Blob recite 'the pledge.' Very messed up but it shouldn't exactly convince the X-Men to do anything other than smash this place to pieces. She threatens to let Sarah Gaunt loose from her comically large chains that shouldn't stop her for a second.
Cyclops points out that with Scurvy's defeat Ellis' big gun is down. She laughs at that, and for some reason Chuck doesn't immediately take over her brain. Her big gun is more literal - a fucking network of sonic cannon satellites. Who TF gave this lady a Death Star? She has Merle and Haven targeted but Rogue thinks she's bluffing. Logically, you'd think so. Would the US government really accept this maniac destroying towns with a space laser? Not sure how they'd spin that. Also, neither team have any leverage to stop her using it whenever she wants. I feel like she's forcing them to kill her right here and now, lest their strategic position becomes 'able to be killed at any time without effort.' They could even just send her on permanent vacation to Limbo, see how her bullshit flies with Maddie Pryor.
Ellis lets them take the people they came for (why?) but that's not enough for Rogue. Siryn speaks to Rogue personally while crying, indicating she's herself, as much as she can be with all the torture, mind control, and who knows what else? It's only when Xavier intercedes that Rogue listens.
Charles explains why he needs to be in prison (though we know he'll change his mind and escape in March) and they have an emotional exchange. It works, I guess, but Rogue looks super selfish and ignorant. Free Charles for personal reasons when he doesn't want it at the cost of two towns? Doesn't seem like much of a choice (other than knocking Ellis out while she's in your face.) It feels a bit regressive for Rogue, too. She is aware of everything from Fall of X (including Chuck manipulating one of her mothers and trying to permanently kill the other) and hadn't really had or needed a mentor in a long time. Sure, everyone is lost after Krakoa, but WTF is she so attached to Xavier? It's great that he was the first to believe in her but this feels almost infantilising. Rogue is better than this.
Scott has Magik open a big portal before 'she' can stop you. I assume 'she' refers to Rogue, except Rogue is shown willingly walking through it with everyone else. Ellis wasn't interested in stopping them. It's like everyone has the script and realises the event is over so it's time to go. I have difficulty believing any of these characters would just meekly leave, not because of Xavier, but the multiple sonic space cannons that can kill them anytime plus their enslaved comrades. There's eight regular ass humans with guns in the way and this is their shot to do anything about it. How many of these X-Men could take them all out by themselves? Cyke could optic blast them unconscious, Magik has multiple methods, and many of the others could just punch them while ignoring bullets.
Yo, where's Quentin? He arrived with you guys.
Once Rogue has walked through the portal (clearly willingly and without duress) she objects again - 'no. We can't leave him there!' Cyke echoes Charles' own words and promises to get the others out, but Rogue punches him maybe ten feet and not only repudiates Scott's promises (?) but places the blame entirely on him. He blasts her and tells her to grow up (kinda fair) but then their teammates hold them back. Beast tells Scott he won, but this looks like a narrative trick to pretend Cyclops wanted to fight or has any reason to.
Rogue turns to leave with mild venom and her team follows. Hank assures Scott that he had no choice and Scott disagrees but doesn't elaborate. I hate to see X-Men fight but it's even worse when it's over nothing. The post-portal events feel like Simone going 'hmm, didn't really sell that ideological divide or their falling out, fuck it, just have Rogue punch Cyclops.' I think Cyclops was mostly right here, but it's more than Rogue was wrong and the conflict was contrived. I just don't buy the degree of animosity Rogue has and all the reasons given feel out of character. If that's who Rogue is right now I can accept it, but it's not very heroic and she's had multiple egregious failures of leadership. If this is identified as a character flaw that needs working on or a mistake that she regrets it could make for interesting storytelling, but all the information we have suggests that's not the case. Uncanny is frankly a trainwreck, but at least it looks fantastic. The letters page and other media suggests a lot of people are enjoying this book, and I couldn't be happier for them. I just wish I was too. I'll keep reviewing it of course, and I'll be less harsh than this review was. It was hyped and it called shots and didn't deliver. Doing that sets expectations and gives me another metric to judge it by. Hopefully we can get on with learning about the characters who've been neglected.
As for Raid on Graymalkin as an event, it had its ups and downs. Most of the ups were in X-Men and most of the downs were in Uncanny. Ultimately it didn't fulfill the promise it made so I judge it as a failure. We didn't learn a great deal and it boiled down to a cynical excuse for X-Men to punch each other. The mysteries it introduced feel dull to me and I am not especially interested in the Avians or Inmate X. The solicits for X-Manhunt spoiled that Xavier wasn't going anywhere, which left us with forced conflict. I'm far more interested in the aftermath of the event, especially the Alaska team dealing with a visit from the O*N*E. They don't really need much reason to fuck with the X-Men so I'm not crediting the event with that.
Thanks for reading!
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finally admitted to myself today that my “dream job” has actually been making me miserable
#i’m applying for a new job today#and thinking about maybe going back to school for something else#i decided i wanted to be a dietitian when i was 15 years old and so it’s hard for me to imagine myself as anything else#and to not see it as failure if i admit that what i thought i wanted to do isn’t making me happy#but today i feel like i had an epiphany of sorts#and i honestly feel so relieved#anyway. don’t be like me and lock yourself into a career path at 15#personal
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first time i watched 'no exit' i was 100% in jo's corner like oh great it's sexist dean time . wheeee let's all watch her learn a lesson about hunting and he can be 'right' in a factual way but he'll be as obnoxious as possible about it the whole time . now i think what's happening here is that he has pretty much instantly samzoned her, as a college dropout from a hunting family who has a contentious relationship with her one surviving parent. EXCEPT that she's a five-foot-something twiggy barely-out-of-her-teens woman who has a crush on him and has never been on a serious hunt before, and he's dismissive/over-vigilant enough with the actual sam, a powerfully-built man with clairvoyant powers and over a decade of experience. bearing that in mind, his behavior towards jo is barely outside his normal realm of bossy and overbearing, and since he knows a little something about how sams will respond to direct orders, he still tells her mother she's not on the hunt with them so as to avoid the fallout until it's over. basically i think the whole dean thing, his most consistent characterization over the course of fifteen years, is his tendency to express even genuine protectiveness through the medium of 'bossy older sibling', and this makes him come off like the worst person on the planet. he frequently IS, but it's actually because of other things and has nothing to do with that habit in specific
#'you sound like my mother' 'oh that's a bad thing?' < dean thesis statement of the episode. yeah he sounds like that bc he is a mother jo#like. maybe because i was eighteen when i first watched it i was like he is being SO dismissive to her! she's grown! she's an adult!#but i'm nearly thirty now and alona tal is SO young in this episode . you could snap her like a twig#and she's like. i mean i have a twenty-one-year-old sister and the things i would and would not approve of her doing#based on my perception of her ability to not get hurt in the process. whoof#it's weird . not saying dean winchester can ever be valid but maybe for this one he's just correct in a rude way after all#and then he gets right into the other dean thesis: she has OPTIONS. why is she doing this when she could be doing literally#anything else. he never gets to the point where he considers he could just go do something else. that will never occur to him#but when it comes to sam-type people he assumes they should want the other options. and he is TERRIFIED of this with sam specifically#jo isnt his actual sister so she can and should explore the other options. but if sam does he thinks he'll never see him again#his evidence for this is that when sam went to college they didnt talk for four years. but he also never thinks#'we're better about communication now and if he went back to school we would definitely still talk'#because he assumes all things that have happened in the past will happen that way again. and he's in supernatural. so it's a fair assumptio#spn#q
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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ohh the joy of videos and streams... i like listening to people talk about things they like/think about it’s very contagious... 🥺
#lizzy speaks#THIS IS BROUGHT TO U BY THE MINATO BRAINCELLS SHAKING BACK AND FORTH..#so so many of my interests feel like they're in some kind of hibernation lately in terms of the emotions they evoke#my brains been mostly gravitating towards formulating strategies and trying new things in splatoon right now... LOL.. so i havent thought-#a whole bunch about other things i like even if they do mean a lot to me..#so i really appreciate being around other people who really like the things that they like because its infectious and reminds me why-#i enjoy those characters / ships / whatever else#like oh... ryomina.. minato.. ryoji... i love them very much and i like hearing other people express their appreciation for them#also yosuke.... i like hearing my friends talk about yosuke his characters a very fun one for me even if i never took the time 2 personally#analyze him its just very nice to be around that kind of energy! im so grateful!#related but unrelated squid school made a video about the splatoon manga... which i havent thought abt in a month or two#yet somehow watching that revitalized my sleeping lil braincell that loves vintage coroika...#IDK i just feel like lately ive gotten to be around a very contagious positive energy of people who appreciate stuff and i like that!!#mayb ill stream again... something about talking about things out loud and not over text evokes a certain kind of insanity#i like to draw to express my love 4 the things i've come across but sometimes i think too much abt the quality.. LOL#so maybe ill just go FUCK IT we ball!! better to draw than to not draw at all. or ill just stream 2 outlet the 'hehe i love so many things'#there is so much love stored in my heart it hurts i lov So many Things and I love Being reminded of that god i love people loving things!!!
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.
#a studio that i’ve loved for decades finally has job openings#but it’s in a completely different industry/occupation#and i’m like career change 👀 bc it’s such an interesting and challenging position#but also just in general i love my job however i have been thinking about going back to school for something else or trying a different#industry with what in the same field so now i’m like 🧍♀️#also moving in general#dual citizenship has its perks and i’m thinking about leaving for a year maybe idk#sm change so many options
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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okay i'm struggling again
#she bork#tbd#idk i'll be fine life is just very mean and unfair and worst of all ordinary and dull. i go to work i come home i do nothing worthwhile.#weekends are never long enough and i never get to cram enough into them to enjoy myself. if life was mean but also generous and glamorous i#could maybe put up w it bc for every low there would be a high but it's not. it's just mean and you hit that low and then instead of it#being followed by a high you just end up on a plateau and eventually you hit another low. god i just don't think i was supposed to live in#this ordinary boring tedious life like i'm not made for it. not in a pretentious arrogant way but in a way that's like i'm going fucking#crazy like i have cabin fever but w my life rather than my environment (which tbh maybe they come down to one and the same). idk sometimes i#want to just blow up my life and go somewhere else and do something else and have fun and not feel so weighted down by responsibilities and#bills and worry about money specifically. like i was miserable in high school but now i think i look back on it fondly bc 1. no true#responsibilities or high stakes and/but 2. the stakes always FELT high like i was CONSTANTLY up and down and euphoric and depressed. not#healthy at all but it always felt like something was HAPPENING and now it just doesn't. i have always though that bored was the worst thing#to be and now here i am all the time it feels like. bored.#and again at the root of everything is that life is mean. mean mean mean. sometimes shit just HAPPENS that's bad and fucks you over and#there's nothing you can do about it. and again if there was something guaranteed to make up for it that would be fine but there's not. you#just have to recover and let it go and move on. and i'm not good at that
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#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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i am going to sleep i've decided. goodnight
#gunk in my brain. auuuugh#i hate to say it but i wonder if going back to school will improve my mental state... just because i have other things to think about#although i have spent at least two days completely unable to focus in class due to the Torment so. maybe there is no winning also#whatever. my grandmother leaves TOMORROW! i will find something else exciting to do so i do not wallow in despair!#i have science projects to do! and theater to manage! and stories to write! it's 2024!#okay i'm done now sorry. goodnight#.txt
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