#and they found this big gap of years with no hurricanes

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[toomanystoriessolittletime]

illicit affairs

Summary: Stranded in an airport hotel because of hurricane warning, you snatch the last hotel room for the following two nights, not knowing that these two nights would change your life forever. You meet Joel and spend every moment you can with him until he leaves you in the middle of the night the day you both had to go back home. Months later, heartbroken and pregnant from a man you hadn’t even exchanged last names with, you go back to your hometown to meet your mother’s new boyfriend, not knowing it’s Joel.

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. reader // Joel Miller x fem. readers mother

Wordcount: 6.7k

Rating: E

Warnings: no outbreak AU, meet cute, age gap (around twenty years, but it’s not specified) flirting, kissing, smut (oral f receiving, protected sex, unprotected sex, so much sex) accidental pregnancy, angst, vomiting, fluff, heartbreak

A/N: I hope you all enjoy this fic that turned into a little beast

illicit affairs master list // Pedro Masterlist

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You weren’t particularly looking forward to the next three days. 

Not that you didn’t love your mother. You were happy for her. After your father died almost eight years ago she deserved to be happy again. To be loved by someone. 

You just had a weird feeling about this trip, and you couldn’t say exactly why.

You had moved back to Austin for a couple of months after your father died. You had been between jobs and while you did not particularly enjoy the summer heat of Texas, or living in your childhood room, you were glad you had been there for your mother. 

You only took the job that had been offered you in Seattle because she told you that it was time. That she was okay. That it was time to live your life. You only left because you knew your brother Sean was moving back to Austin to start his new job in the weeks after you left. 

„Have you met her new man yet?“ You asked Sean as you sat in the passenger seat of his car. 

Thankfully he had offered his guest bedroom for your three day stay. Not that you wouldn’t like staying with your mom, but you were pretty sure you could not hide the fact that you had gotten pregnant from a stranger four months ago from her, when you would be staying with her 24/7. 

Your brother was a bit more… oblivious. 

You weren’t showing yet, and even though you knew you had to tell your family at some point, you weren’t ready to do it right now. 

You wondered when you were ready to tell them, but that was a problem for next week you, who could lock herself into her apartment back home in Seattle. 

Of course you knew this wouldn’t just go away, but additionally to the fact that you had gotten pregnant, you had no way of contacting the father, leaving you as a single mom. 

You only knew his first name. You didn’t get a chance to learn more about him. 

You closed your eyes, letting your head fall against the window of Sean’s car. 

„I haven’t met him. I only know he has a Construction company with his brother. That’s how mom and him met,“ he said. You nodded. 

„She seems happy. I hope he’s nice,“ you sighed.

„What about you? Someone in your life I need to have a big brother talk with?“ He asked and you scoffed. 

„I found out that all men are assholes,“ you rolled your eyes and Sean laughed. 

„Could have told you that before,“ he grinned and you punched his arm and he winced with a dramatic ouch. 

„Anyway. No men. Might get a cat,“ and a baby you added in your head. 

„I’m allergic to cats,“ he reminded you. 

„Remind me how that is my problem?“

It was a nice neighbourhood Sean drove his car through, looking for the address your mother gave you. It was a typical suburban neighbourhood. 

Kids playing on the front lawn. 

A men washing his car. 

Women who took care of the little garden that wasn’t burnt by the sun yet. 

Fuck, you forgot how hot Texas was during the summer. 

„Here we are,“ Sean hummed and you followed his gaze as he parked the car in the driveway of a two story home behind a black pick up truck. Your mothers Honda was standing parked next to it. 

You gave yourself a moment to gather your thoughts while you looked at the house. 

It was a nice house. You could see that someone was keeping it maintained and loved. There was a big tree with a swing outside and you wondered if the man had kids too. Before you could look closer at the house the front door opened and your mother stepped out, a big smile on her face. 

„Here goes nothing,“ Sean said and you shook your head with a small smile before you opened the door. 

Arms were wrapped around you almost the moment you stepped out of the car, your mother pulling you in a tight hug. 

„My baby,“ she whispered against your ear and you smiled, wrapping your arms around her.

„Hi mom,“ you said, suddenly overwhelmed by your emotions as you fought down the tears. She kissed your cheek before she looked at you with a warm smile. 

„I missed you,“ she said.

„Missed you too,“ you mumbled and she squeezed you softly.

„What about me?“ Sean interrupted and you rolled your eyes. 

„What about you?“ Your mother asked with a grin. 

„Didn’t you miss your son?“ He poured and you shook your head with a laugh.

„I saw you yesterday. I brought you and John leftover lasagna,“ your mother reminded him and he shrugged before he hugged her too. 

You took a moment to look around the neighbourhood when you heard the door behind you open again. 

„Come on. Joel has been grilling steaks in the backyard. They’re to die for,“ your mother said and you allowed yourself a moment to close your eyes as you heard the name. 

The last time you heard it, it was you who said it, moaned it. He had you pressed against the mattress, thrusting deeply into you, whispering filth into your ear…

You shook your head. Not the time. 

„Kids, I want you to meet Joel Miller,“ your mother took your hand and you turned around with a welcoming smile that froze as your eyes landed on the man in front of you. Dark familiar brown eyes finding yours. His eyes widened for a second before he looked away from you, holding his hand out for your brother to shake. 

You blinked your eyes a couple times, trying to make him disappear. It couldn’t be him. There was no way that this was….

Your mothers arm sneaked around his waist, his arm around her shoulders. You saw him take a deep breath before he turned his body towards you, holding his hand out for you to shake. 

„And this is my daughter,“ your mother introduced you with your name and you were hoping that whatever you were feeling right now was not showing on your face. 

As if on autopilot you pulled your hand up to meet his, your whole body reacting to his touch as his hand squeezed yours, fighting down the thoughts of how this hand touched you the last time you were close to each other. 

„Nice to meet you,“ he said and you gulped, meeting his eyes. 

„Nice to meet you too, Joel.“

Five-ish months earlier

It was pure luck that you got a hotel room for the night. Your flight back home to Seattle had been canceled due to a hurricane warning and you had rushed to the first airport hotel in Phoenix, the airport you had been stranded on on your way back from New York. 

Of course you had no idea some kind of construction job fair networking event thing was held at exactly this hotel for the whole weekend. Though it did explain the price of the room.

You ignored the absurd price tag to the last room you were able to get, making your way with the keycard in hand towards the elevator that would bring you to the 11th floor where you room was. 

Waiting in front of the elevator you let your eyes wander through the impressive foyer before the doors of the elevator in front of you opened. You gripped your suitcase before you looked up again, meeting the eyes of the man who was stepping out of the elevator. 

He gave you a small smile, holding the elevator for you, as he stepped out. 

You swallowed slowly, giving him a thankful smile, walking past him into the elevator. Your eyes slipped close as you smelled his aftershave, your back turned towards him before you turned around, facing him. He was still standing in front of you. He was taller than you, dressed completely in black, dark jeans with a black dress shirt tucked into his pants. The first buttons of his shirt were opened, the sleeves rolled back over his tanned muscular forearms, the ends of a black tattoo just so visible on his arm, making you wonder what exactly it was. 

He was by all means one of the most attractive men you had ever seen in your life.

And at least twenty years older than you. 

There was an amused smile on his lips as as your eyes finally landed on his, having of course noticed you checking him out. 

You felt your cheeks warming as his dark eyes looked at you. 

„Thank you,“ you blurted out and he raised his eyebrows. 

„For holding the elevator,“ you clarified, feeling stupid. So fucking stupid. 

You took a deep breath, which was a dumb idea because he and his aftershave had been in this elevator before and it was mouthwatering. Raising your hand you pushed the button for the eleventh floor. 

„You’re welcome,“ he said and fuck, even his voice was sexy. 

He was about to say more when someone clapped on his shoulder. 

"Come on Joel. Let’s get some drinks,“ a man said to, dressed similar. 

The last thing you saw from the man you know knew was named Joel were his eyes on you, winking, as the elevator closed. 

While your initial plain consisted of ordering room service and watching the Bachelor until you fell asleep, one phone call with your best friend after making it to the hotel room left you getting your little black dress out (well not so little, but it was one of the nicer dresses you owned) and putting some light make up on. 

You couldn’t exactly explain what it was that you were doing, but deep down you knew you would regret not going down to the bar and maybe finding that man, Joel, again. Even if you would only look at him from afar like a creepy stalker. 

You never made the first step and your best friend made the very logical point that if you embarrassed yourself for some reason, you would never see the man again. 

Nervously talking a last look into the mirror you walked out of the bathroom, switching the lights off. 

Sitting down on your bed you took a deep breath. 

What were you doing?

You did not know this man. You haven’t even really talked to him. He was older than you. And probably married. Or a serial killer. Not that you had a chance with someone who looked like that. You would probably humiliate yourself, chasing after some guy who was just trying to be nice to a stranger. 

„Why am I like this?“ You whined, letting yourself fall back against the bed. 

Closing your eyes you tried to relax.

You could do this. You never went for what you wanted. And you wanted him. 

„One drink,“ you said to yourself before you got up from the bed, got your heels on and walked out of your room. 

You had just gotten your first drink when you felt someone sit down next to you. A shy smile sneaked onto your face, because before you had even looked at the man sitting next to you, you had smelled his aftershave. 

He was already looking at you when you finally turned towards him. 

„Mind if I sit here?“ He asked and your smile widened. 

„Not at all,“ you said.

„Joel,“ you gasped, your head falling back against the door of your room he had pressed you against. 

Not even in your wildest dreams did you imagine this outcome when you decided to get down to the bar. You didn’t even think he was really interested. But the more you talked, the closer you got. His warmth against your side as your feet ran up his thigh when he told you about his work. About his life. 

About how he hasn’t stopped thinking about what you might look like when you came. 

„So fucking pretty,“ he hummed before his lips crashed down on yours. One of his hands pinning your arms over your head against the door while his other hand pushed your skirt slowly up, his fingers running up your thigh. 

„Fuck,“ you moaned, your legs already shaking and he hadn’t even touched you really yet. 

His lips wandered down your throat and you could feel him smile against your skin, his teeth carefully nibbling at your skin as his hand slipped between your legs, finding your drenched. 

„You gonna let me eat this pussy?“ He hummed and you groaned. 

„Please,“ you gasped. He chuckled, his finger slowly pushing your panties aside. 

„Bet you taste delicious,“ he grinned before his head dipped between your breasts. He kissed the top of them, inhaling deeply. 

„Smell so fucking good,“ he hummed. He let go of his grip around your wrist but you kept them up. 

„Good girl,“ he hummed and kissed you. 

„Want you to get naked for me and lay down on your bed, can you do that for me?“ he asked. You licked your lips, nodding your head. 

You hooked your fingers into the straps of your dress, slowly pushing them down your shoulder, Joel’s dark eyes following your every move. His finger still slowly swiping through your pussy. 

Reaching around you unhooked your bra, your eyes on him, slipping it down your arms, letting it fall to the ground. 

His jaw tensed, his eyes taking you in. 

He took a step back from you, his touch leaving you and you slipped your dress down your body, your panties too. 

Stepping out of them you walked slowly towards the bed, getting out of your heels but he stopped you. 

„Keep them on,“ he grunted and you nodded with a small grin. 

Walking past him towards your bed your sat down, slipping back until you were sitting in the middle of the bed, completely naked, safe for your heels. 

„So fucking pretty,“ Joel said, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe he was here right now. You let your eyes wander down his broad body, your mouth salivating when you noticed the prominent outline of his cock through his dark jeans. 

„Spread those legs for me,“ he said and you tilted your head up to look into his eyes. 

The way he looked at you made you feel incredibly sexy, confident, powerful. 

Slowly you angled your legs, letting them fall open for him. 

He sucked his bottom lip in, just look at your pussy that was so wet you were sure you were dripping onto the sheets beneath you. 

„God fucking damn,“ he groaned and slowly began to unbutton his shirt. 

Your greedy eyes took in every inch of skin he revealed to your eyes, dying to run your hands and tongue over his broad chest. He carefully slipped his shirt from his upper body, taking great care to hang it over the back of a chair. 

When he turned back towards you, seeing your amused expression he shrugged. 

„Need to wear that again tomorrow. Can’t have your pussy all over it,“ he explained nonchalantly.  

„On my face on the other hand….“ he winked before he slowly joined you on the bed, laying down on his chest right between your legs. 

His lips kissed up your inner thigh, his beard deliciously scratching over your skin the closer he got to where you were dripping for him. 

Your eyes followed his every move, his dark eyes fixed on you as you saw his lip part, leaning in. You felt his tongue dip into your slit, licking up, teasing your clit all while he moaned as if he just tasted heaven. 

„Fucking knew it,“ he groaned. His arms slipped around your upper thighs, pulling you against his mouth, before dove in. Driving you positively insane with his wicked tongue as he slowly but surely brought you to what you would later would find out, first orgasm of the night. 

Your fingers were wrapped around the soft strands of his hair as he held you down, licking into you until you came undone, crying out in pleasure as your orgasm left you gasping for air. 

He cleaned you with his tongue, carefully, as you tried to normalise your breathing and heart rate. When he was finished he just looked up at you, his cheek resting on your thigh, his chin glistening with you.

„Better than I imagined,“ he whispered, kissing your thigh.

„Huh?“ You asked confused. 

He grinned. 

„Your face when you cum,“ he winked and you flushed, warmth spreading over your whole body. 

Sitting yourself up you reached for him, pulling him up until he was laying on top of you, your hands in his hair as you pulled him towards you, kissing him deeply. You wrapped your legs around his back, wanting him closer. 

He moaned against your lips, his tongue dipping into your mouth. 

„I want you to fuck me,“ you whispered against his lips. 

„I intend to. As often as you let me,“ he hummed back, kissing you again. 

He grabbed a pillow when he parted from you, pushing it under your hips before he got up from the bed, getting out of his jeans and boxers. You couldn’t help but bite your lip when you saw his cock for the first time. 

Dying to have him inside of you but….

„Joel,“ you said softly and he looked at you. 

„It’s been some time…. Years and I…“ you suddenly felt shy, not knowing how to carry on. 

He grabbed something before he slowly sat down on the bed. He came to rest on his side, right next to you. 

„We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,“ he promised, his hand on your cheek. You turned to your side, looking at him.

„I want to. I just want you to know that it’s been a while and well… you’re fucking huge,“ you shrugged with a awkward laugh. He chuckled, his fingers on your chin tilting it up, so you had to look at him. 

„You may be surprised, but I don’t do this often either,“ he said and while your first reaction was to scoff and not believe him, his expression remained honest and open and you believed him. 

Slowly your brought one of your hands up to rest on his warm chest, right against his heart feeling it beat. 

„Okay,“ you whispered and leaned in to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you against him as he kissed you. One of his legs came between yours, his thigh meeting your pussy, making you gasp. 

You just kissed for a while, touching, getting familiar with each other before he slowly turned you so you were back to laying on your back, him hovering over you. 

He parted form your lips, reaching for a condom and you realised that this must have been what he grabbed earlier. He gave you a sheepish smile as he ripped the package open, sitting himself up so he could slip the condom on. 

„Thought you might get lucky huh?“ You teased and he grinned. 

„Hoped,“ he clarified, lining himself up the tip of his cock slipping into you without any resistance. 

„For the record, I have an IUD,“ you said and his eyes darkened but he shrugged his shoulders. 

„Better safe than sorry,“ he winked before he slowly sank into you. 

Sex with Joel was not like anything you ever experienced before. 

He watched your face for any expression, slowing down when he noticed discomfort. He took his time learning what you liked, his sole goal for when he was in your room being your pleasure. 

He told you that he was here for this construction congress thing, but whenever he did not have to work or shake hands he was with you. 

You didn’t talk about what you were doing. You were living in the moment, not thinking of what would happen once Monday came and you both had to leave this hotel and get back into your life’s.

He only had made one rule. 

Not to catch any feelings. 

Which you thought you could do.

But he was just so… fucking perfect. At least the version of him you got to spend time with.

It was not even the sex, which was positively mind-blowing, mind you. It was the moments after when he held you and told you about his hobbies. About his company. About his life. Always keeping it vague, never saying anything about where he was from. 

Much like you. 

On Saturday morning before he had to go to get to a meeting he had you in the shower, your body pressed against the shower wall as he fucked into your from behind, hard, leaving you to moan so loudly when you came that you were sure you would get a noise complaint. 

It was the only time he fucked you without a condom and came inside of you.

You never had this much sex and it had never ever been this good before. 

Maybe it was because he was older, maybe it was because there was something more….

You hadn’t talked about an after. 

After the sex.

After falling asleep in each others arms. 

After the conference. 

You didn’t have a chance to talk about a potential after when you woke up Monday morning at 3:22 am, finding the bed next to you cold. 

At first you thought he was in the bathroom but after a couple of minutes and no sound coming from the room, you sat yourself up, turning the lamp on the bedside table on. 

You could still feel his cum that had dried on your stomach hours before, when you found a note from him on the bedside table that said

Thank you

Two months later you found out you were pregnant.

Now

He has been ignoring you. 

Which was making you even angrier, because you did nothing wrong. 

You were sitting with your mother on the backyard patio enjoying some iced tea, watching your brother and Joel at the grill. 

You had learned all the important stuff about Joel from your mother in the last ten minutes.

He was forty five, six years younger than your mom, but still much older than you. He had a daughter whose name was Sarah. She was twenty seven, living in Dallas and working as a doctor, about to be married next spring. 

You were just nodding along, frankly overwhelmed with the situation. 

You had sex with your mothers boyfriend. 

Yes, you didn’t know it back then, and you had verified with your mother when they met each other, they only started dating after that weekend you had spend with him. 

But you had slept with him. 

You were pregnant from him. 

You were pregnant with your mothers boyfriends child. 

„Are you okay?“ You mother asked. You almost jumped, your ice tea spilling a little.

„Sorry. A little tired. Work is busy,“ you lied. 

„I’m so proud of you baby. My little girl is going places,“ she smiled and you smiled back. Thankfully your brother sat down next to her, involving her in a conversation. It gave you the chance to sneak away into the house to find the bathroom. 

You walked by a wall of pictures. Joel was in many of them and the man you had seen back in Phoenix was there too. 

You smiled when you saw a younger version of Joel next to a girl that looked so much like him. You saw her grow up through the pictures on the wall. You could see that Joel was a proud dad. Always next to her at the milestones of her life. 

For some reason it made you tear up, your hand coming to rest over your stomach, the bump barely there. 

Your child would never have this. 

They would never have a loving father who was there every single day, for every milestone in their life. 

You couldn’t do that to your mother. She was clearly in love with him. 

But maybe you were in love with him too. 

No man had made you feel like Joel did before. Yes you had some relationships, even one where you could see yourself getting married before it ended. 

But Joel….

The things he made you feel in that hotel room were like nothing you had ever felt before. And not just sexually. You felt safe with him. You felt comfortable with him, even when you were both quiet and just enjoying the moment. 

You thought it was just a stupid crush at first. Because of the way you met and how it ended. 

You couldn’t fall in love with someone you had only known for three days, right?

But against all odds you did, and you had made your peace with it. 

You could even understand him leaving you in the middle of the night. 

He had told you that he was single and not married. And you believed him. You were much younger than him, which would make this… thing between the two of you most likely not have a future anyway. And long distance was not something that was easy. 

You made every excuse in the books for him. 

But standing here in his house, looking at his life, all you felt was sadness. 

Sadness over what you wouldn’t have. 

Why did it have to be him?

„Your mother and your brother left to get ice cream for dessert,“ Joel’s voice made you jump. You hadn’t even heard him come in. Nodding you walked away from this wall of memories, to search for the bathroom your mother had shown your earlier. 

You felt sick. 

Joel called your name from behind but you shook your head, almost running, but not getting far when you felt his hand wrap around your wrist, making you stop. 

„Joel, please…“ you whispered, your eyes closed, taking deep breaths. 

„We have to talk. I…“

But you didn’t hear what he said next because the next hing you knew was you vomiting all over his shoes. 

And then… nothing.

Your head was pounding when you came back to. You could hear voices as if they talked through cotton. 

Groaning you brought your hand up, rubbing it over your temple. 

Fuck. 

You vomited all over Joel and then you….

You passed out?

One hand came to rest over your stomach, your eyes blinking open in panic. 

Were you okay? Was your baby okay? What the fuck happened?

„Hey honey. Slow down. Joel said you passed out?“ You felt your mother take your hand. You were laying on the couch, wondering how you got there. 

A million thoughts went through your head, but on the forefront was your worry about your baby. The baby no one knew about.

You were close to hyperventilating when you felt a hand on your back, soothingly rubbing up and down your spine, guiding you to take deep breaths, his voice soothing you almost instantly. 

Your mother was still holding your hand, looking worriedly at you when you turned your head to look at Joel. He was so close you could smell him.

Tears sprang into your eyes as you looked away from him to your mom. 

„I need to see a doctor,“ you whispered and your mother softly squeezed your hand, Joel’s hand on your back stopping. 

„Are you in pain?“ She asked alarmed. You shook your head. 

„No. But…“ you gulped, looking quickly to Joel before you looked back at your mother. 

„I need to check if the baby is okay,“ you began to cry, your eyes closing, missing the reaction of the people kneeling next to you. 

„Baby?“ Your mother asked. You sucked your bottom lip in, nodding slowly before your eyes opened. 

You saw the tears in your mothers eyes, surprise clearly in her face before she leaned in and hugged you softly, kissing your cheek, your eyes meeting Joel’s whose eyes were fixed on you, his jaw clenched, his eyes narrowed as if he was trying to figure something out. 

He wasn’t stupid. 

You told him that first night that it had been years since you had been with someone before him. You had no reason to lie to him, not that he knew that. 

His eyes widened when you kept looking at him, clearly having made the math. 

Your mother looked at you with a warm smile. 

„You have to tell me everything. But lets get you to see a doctor first.“

Faith really must have a field day today with you. 

Joel drove you and your mother to the next hospital, your brother having to leave to pick up his boyfriend from work. He made you promise to call once you knew everything was okay. He would be waiting for you at his place. 

And now you were in the maternity wing, waiting for the doctor to come and make an ultrasound to check if everything was okay. 

With Joel waiting with you in the room, as far away from you as he could be without leaving. 

Your mother was trying to get in touch with your doctor back in Seattle, leaving Joel with you to wait. 

Joel hadn’t said a single word to you since you left his house. You felt his eyes on you but you were stubbornly looking everywhere but at him. 

This was not how you planned this. 

Then again, you had never planned this situation, had you?

You thought you would never see Joel again. You were starting to make your peace with that fact. Not only having gotten pregnant by a man whose last name you didn’t even know, no but falling in love with the same man. 

How could you have predicted that you would meet him again like that?

If you allowed yourself to dream about running into him again, it was definitely not while meeting him as your moms new boyfriend. 

The door opened and you looked up, your eyes meeting Joels for a second before you saw an older woman walk in, a warm smile on her face. 

„I read that you passed out today?“ She asked after she introduced herself. 

„Yeah,“ you nodded. 

She sat down on the chair next to the table you were laying on, looking through the file your mother had filled out for your while you had waited. 

„Anything in particular happened before you passed out?“ She asked and your eyes briefly met Joels before you looked at her. 

„Might be a combination of stress and the weather? I am not used to the heat anymore,“ you have her a shy smile. 

She nodded at you, setting the file down. 

„I can see that your blood pressure is a little high, but that’s not too bad yet. Let’s check on the baby, shall we?“ She asked and you nodded. 

Your pulled your shirt up and she warned you softly that this would be a little cold as she put the gel onto your stomach. You winced a little and she winked at you before she reached for the wand. 

„Is this dad?“ She asked you before she looked at Joel. 

You looked at him for the first time then. Really looked at him. His whole body was tensed, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his gaze on you, but it felt like he was looking through you. 

Though his eyes did find yours when he heard the question, probably wondering what you would say. 

And even if you would want to tell the truth, you had to talk to him first. 

So you shook your head before you looked at the doctor again. 

„Just a friend of my mom. She should be here any minute,“ you said and the doctor nodded. 

It took a little while before the heartbeat of your child filled the room. You looked at the monitor, smiling relieved as you saw the little blob, your baby, on the screen. 

„It looks like everything is just fine,“ the Doctor said and you shakily breathed out. She smiled softly at you, clicking some buttons on the machine and you just kept looking at your baby, oblivious to Joel having made his way over to you to take a closer look. 

„You’re at 17 weeks and the little bean looks as healthy as it can be. I want you to take it a little easier. Make sure to take some breaks and if you’re not used to the heat, maybe stay indoors. Where is home?“ She asked

„Seattle,“ you said and she sighed. 

„Too much rain for me. But I can understand why this all was a little much for you here. To be on the safe side, see your Doctor once you get back for a check up,“ she said. You nodded. Her head tilted up and you followed her gaze, surprised to find Joel standing next to you, his eyes fixed on the screen with an unreadable expression. 

„Do you want me to print out a copy for your mom?“ The doctor asked. You nodded, your eyes still fixed on Joel. 

„Can I get three copies maybe? My mom, me and…“ you gulped, „for the father?“ You looked away from Joel as his head turned to look at you. 

The doctor smiled at you. 

„Of course.“

And while she worked, the heartbeat of your baby still filling the empty room you allowed yourself to look at Joel who had tears in his eyes as he looked at you.

Your mother hadn’t stopped asking questions on the whole way back from the hospital. 

„Why didn’t you tell me?“

„I would have eventually.“

„Do you have a boyfriend?“

„No.“

„Who is the father?“

„He’s not in the picture.“

„Why?“

„Because.“

You could feel Joel’s eyes on you the whole way back to your brother, your head stubbornly turned towards the window, watching the Austin Landscape fly by. 

„Are you happy?“ Your mother asked as the truck parked in front of your brothers house. 

It was a good question. Were you happy?

The situation was a mess. It was… straight out of a soap opera but much more complicated. 

But apart from that? You becoming a mom?

„Yeah. I am happy,“ you answered. 

„Then I am happy for you. Gosh, I’m gonna be a Grandma!“ She smiled and you chuckled. 

„Yeah. You are.“

„Are you gonna move back here?“ She asked. You shook your head. 

„I don’t think so. I like Seattle. I have all my friends there and my job,“ you looked at her. She had turned in her seat so she could look at you. 

„I understand. And I don’t want to talk you into something, I know you have a great support system in Seattle. But… you have one here too. Sean would never say it, but he misses you deeply. And you know I would love to see you more,“ she reached over to squeeze your arms softly. 

„Mom…“ you sighed.

„I know. I just wanted to say it,“ you looked away from her, looking at Joel for a moment who hadn’t said anything since leaving the hospital. 

„I’ll get out of your hair. Sorry for all this mess today,“ you said.

„It’s perfectly fine. I’ll walk you to the door,“ your mother said, already getting out of the car, throwing the door closed behind her. You took a deep breath, still looking at Joel as you reached for the third copy of the sonogram, having written your phone number on the back of it. 

Without saying a word, you put it face down on the armrest at the front seat before you got out of the car and walked to your brothers house. 

You did not really expect Joel to call you, but you were still left disappointed. 

Not that you could not understand him. 

He was probably as overwhelmed with the whole situation as you were. But you wanted to talk to him. You had to talk to him. You had a long talk with your brother when you got to his place. You had told him about meeting this man while you were stranded at the airport and how you spend three days with him in your bed. You told him that the rule was to just live in the moment and enjoy the time you had together, but that it left you heartbroken when he just disappeared in the middle of the night, nowhere to be found. 

You also told him that somehow even though you had an IUD and he used condoms every single time but that one time in the shower, that the man had still managed to get you pregnant. 

Sean held you while you talked. His boyfriend John sitting across from you. 

„Sounds to me like you fell for him,“ John said and you groaned. 

„I know. So fucking stupid. How can you fall in love with a man you know nothing about?“ You whined.

„Well you may not know much about him. But you clearly clicked on some way. If he had been looking for a quick fuck, he would have left after the first time you had sex. But he came back to you. Probably until he had to leave himself. And you said he was older. Maybe he didn’t see a future,“ John said. 

„Or maybe he was married,“ your brother grunted and you punched him lightly in the stomach.

„What? You don’t know for certain if he was,“ he argued.

You sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. 

„You have no way of contacting the guy?“ Sean asked softly. 

You could lie. But you wanted to tell someone, and you knew your brother would keep your secret if you asked him. 

So you told him. 

„I do now,“ you whispered.

„What do you mean?“ He asked. 

„You gonna hate me,“ you closed your eyes, hiding against his chest. 

„I can’t hate you. You’re my favourite little sister,“ he teased and you laughed quietly. 

„I am your only sister,“ you reminded him and he shrugged. 

You sucked your bottom lip in, nibbling on it. 

„It was Joel,“ you whispered, feeling your brother tense next to you. 

„I met him almost five months ago in Phoenix. It was before he even met mom,“ you sobbed quietly. His arms tightened around you and you felt him release a long breath. 

„Well fuck. That’s….“ He began.

„A fucking mess?“ you helped.

„You could say that.“

A moment of quiet passed before John said. 

„Did he say anything?“ John asked and you turned your head, resting your cheek on your brothers chest as you opened your eyes to look at his boyfriend.

„Didn’t really get the chance to talk. First I vomited all over him and then mom was always there. I…. Did sneak him my number. So… I hope he calls,“ you said.

„I can talk to him,“ your brother offered but you shook your head. 

„If he doesn’t contact me, his message will be clear. And I have to move on somehow…“

„Do you think you can? Even if you stay in Seattle. Imagine him and mom stay together or get married. He’ll be around all the time. You would see him every time you come and visit.“

„I don’t know,“ you whispered. 

Sean sighed. 

„We gonna figure this out. But not today. It’s been a long day for you. Let’s get you to bed.“

Your mother came over for breakfast the next day, insisting to spend more time with you before you would leave. 

She made excuses for Joel who had to go to work on a construction site. You didn’t really care. 

You hadn’t slept the whole night, you just wanted to go home. 

To erase the last twenty four hours and live in blissful denial. 

It was afternoon when she left, promising to come and see you the next morning before your brother dropped you off at the airport. 

And she did. With a gift basket for mothers to be, bringing tears to your eyes. 

She made you promise to call more, hugging you goodbye when Sean said it was time to get you to the airport. 

You left Austin on a 11am flight. 

And Joel did not call.

[btsgotjams27]

All Grown Up ~ JJK | Epilogue

✨ title: all grown up | series ✨ pairing: jungkook x f!reader | ✨ rating: R/18+ ~ minors dni ✨ genre/au: romance, fluff, angst, friends-to-lovers, humor, banter, smut, age gap, best friends little brother ✨ author’s notes: I won’t be updating this series on Tumblr. Please continue this series on AO3 or Wattpad. Links below. This fic is inspired by the k-drama, Something in the Rain. ✨ author’s notes 2: okay, so i do plan on editing the rest of this series! i just don’t know when it’ll be done. ✨ author's notes 3: omfg. i'm finally done editing this fic?? it's literally taken me a whole year bc i've been lazy/busy lmfao. welp, we're finally here! and there will be a small drabble and jin pov i'll be posting soon! ✨ can also read on AO3 or Wattpad

[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] prev | next ✨ drabble - netflix and...

✨ epilogue | wc: 1.2k ✨ warnings: illusions to sex, kissing

The day of Yuna and Namjoon’s wedding was pure chaos. A day before, you receive a call about all floral arrangements being delayed because of the hurricane. The truck carrying everything wouldn’t make it in time for the wedding, which meant you and the other bridesmaids were running around with your heads cut off trying to find flowers for the wedding.

“Bora, bring those flowers over to the king's table,” you gestured to the arrangement sitting by the gift table. At this point, you were lucky to get any flowers for the wedding. It didn’t matter if they were cohesive or not.

“The king's table?” Bora clenched her teeth, looking around to figure out what you were referring to.

“The table we’re all sitting at!” you yelled. God, did you have to do everything yourself?

“Oh--right. Got it .” Bora hurried off, not wanting to be scolded by you again.

You told yourself never to agree to be anyone else’s maid of honor. It was just too stressful. If you were to marry in the future, you noted it would just be an elopement.

Looking at your list, there were still a few things that needed to be checked before you could head off to hair and make-up. There were only a few more hours until the wedding started.

“Need any help?” Jungkook asked, sneaking in from behind, wrapping his arms around your waist.

You peered quickly at him before returning to your clipboard. “Yes, please. Here take these and bring them to table seven.”

“You got it, boss,” he said before giving a quick peck on your lips before doing as he was asked.

Your eyes widened, looking around to make sure no one was watching. “Kook! What if someone sees?!”

He smiled and ran off. Were you excited that you and Jungkook were finally together? Yes, but only a few people knew about your relationship. The next big thing was to tackle your mom, but you didn't even want to think about that right now. You’d deal with that later.

You heard your name, and quickly, you turned to see Yuna running to you.

“The flowers are set up on the tables as we speak, and your bouquet is here. I'll put it in your room, and then I'll return after getting ready.” Your eyes scanned the rest of your checklist, ensuring everything went smoothly.

“Thank you. You're a godsend. I don't know what I'd do without you,” Yuna said, pulling you in for a hug.

You straightened and wrapped your arm around hers. “Let's not find out...again,” you chuckled.

After the hectic morning, you were able to find some time to quiet down and get ready. You slip on the sage green velvety off-the-shoulder bridesmaid dress, the gold drop-down pearl earrings, and the strappy beige Jimmy Choos. You took one last look at yourself in the mirror before grabbing your bouquet filled with eucalyptus, peonies, and blush pink roses.

Stepping out of your door, you found Jungkook leaning against the wall, looking dapper in a three-piece navy suit and hair slicked back, showing off his defined and chiseled jawline. You could kiss that jawline all day if you could. He took one look at you, mouthed a 'wow,'and whistled.

You narrowed your eyes at your hunky man. “Shut up.”

He stepped closer to you and took your hand, spinning you around to get a better look. “Damn, you're sexy,” Jungkook groaned in delight.

“Shhh —”

“You should dress like this more often so I can take everything off.”

“KOOK!”

He laughed and grinned as he tried to bring you in for a kiss. You tried to push him away, but he held on tighter. “I'm not letting go until I get a kiss from you.”

“You're trying to get us caught.”

“Mmhm, I want everyone to know we're together.” He let out a soft giggle as you rolled your eyes.

“Fine. God, you're so bad.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Admit it. You like it.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Ouh, you're kinky.”

“Okay---I'm leaving.” You tried to pull away from him again, but he chuckled and rolled you right back into his arms as he gave you a back hug.

“I'm kidding. I love seeing you like this. Flustered, that is,” he smiled, pressing his lips to your right shoulder, making his way up to your neck, leaving subtle marks behind. You let out a slight whine as he continued.

“I'm going to have to cover up these marks if you keep going.”

“Mm…” He continued, not caring in the world if anyone walked by.

You weren't sure if he even heard you. “Koo…” you muttered softly. He pressed deeper into your skin, and your head began falling back into him. You quickly turned around to face him. “You have five minutes. FIVE!”

“I can do that.” He grinned as he opened the door to your room, letting you go in first.

You quickly straightened your dress and grabbed your shoes, scrambling to get yourself ready again. You ran to Yuna's dressing room and knocked lightly.

“Yuna..?” you muttered before opening the door, peering in to see her sitting in front of the vanity.

“Finally, where have you been?” she asked, putting on a diamond earring.

“Sorry I got held up,” you said, closing the door behind you.

Yuna laughed as she took a look at her best friend. “Uh huh--I can clearly see.” She was pointing to the nipple pasty stuck to the side of your dress.

“OH SHIT –” You quickly grabbed it and tucked it into place. Fucking Jungkook–you told him not to remove the pasty, but he wouldn’t listen. He just had to feel all of you.

“Spare me the details,” Yuna chuckled while matting down her hair.

You nervously chuckled and began walking over to her. She turned to the mirror, taking in one last look before it was time to go. “You look gorgeous. Namjoon is going to cry.”

“He's definitely going to cry.”

You leaned down to hug her from behind. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

The wedding was beautiful and everything you and Yuna had dreamed about when you were younger. After Yuna and Namjoon's first dance, the MC invited everyone else to join in. You sat there with twinkles in your eyes, watching your best friend so happy. Then you felt a tap on your shoulder. Jungkook stood there with his hand out.

“May I have this dance?”

You gazed at the doe-eyed young man, asking so sweetly. “What about my mom?” you asked, worried about what she would think.

“She'll just think we're being friendly,” Jungkook suggested with a sly smile and puppy dog eyes.

You bit your bottom lip, hesitating to take it. You weren’t just worried about your mother. A slew of people you knew would whisper and gossip about the two of you.

“Come on. I promise I'll behave.”

If there were no one around, you’d dance the night away. You loved the thought of being in his arms–kissing, giggling, touching…

“You better.”

“I don't know if you'll behave, though.”

You lightly hit him in the chest as you stood up. He led you to the dance floor and held you close with one hand on the small of your back, the two of you swaying to the song playing. His honey-brown eyes glistened from the night sky, his smile beaming from ear to ear, revealing the cutest dimple carved within his cheek.

“What..?”

“...I love you,” you softly said as you reached up and pressed your lips against his, forgetting where you were, forgetting all the complexities that came along with your relationship. Nothing else mattered at that moment—just you and him.

✨ previous ~ you deserve everything and more

✨ next ~ drabble - netflix and..

[revvnant]

discord discourse 6/?; aka i’ve written a lot about michael on discord and need to move all of it here. this was originally sent as a back and forth in message format, and has been edited to be ( relatively ) legible as a standalone post. | evan’s death and the town & elizabeth and the shifting dynamic of the afton household post-baby and pre-sister location. | content warning for discussion of extreme grief, depression, and abuse.

this headcanon assumes two things: that evan was older than elizabeth, making her the youngest afton child, and that there was a substantial gap between his death in 1983 and her death around 1990 ( presuming sister location and the first game take place in 1991-1993, leaving at least six months between the incident at pizza world and michael going to the basement ).

not to be a bitch who recently rewatched twin peaks, but my obsession with the town of hurricane as a character is well-documented on this blog, and i’m very interested in how things change after evan’s death ( the first big shock; a child was just killed at a birthday party, turning william into a subject of sympathy and mike into a social pariah ), then the missing children incident ( i include charlie here for simplicity’s sake, simply every child murdered after evan by william; at first, things are brushed off as coincidences -- she ran away to be with her other family, he’s just missing, etc. -- but the first time tangible evidence of a murder is found, there is a hard ‘it could never happen here’ response that quickly evolves into terror and fearmongering inspired by the media at the time about the fbi, serial killers, and the satanic panic ), and finally with the founders splitting and freddy’s seemingly being under henry’s control while william tries to open circus baby’s and it promptly falls through. there are changes in how they are collectively coping, and it just doesn’t make sense to me narratively or logically to have evan die and then elizabeth immediately afterwards; there needs to be a slow creep here. also the mci.

on a more personal level, post-83 is about michael's reputation imploding. his social life completely falls apart; he was a bully, he maintained his reputation through fear ( very stephen king-core ), he strong-armed people into being his friend by leveraging both his physical strength and his social capital with his father running the restaurant. he kind of sucks. once he does something inexcusably violent, something he can’t come back from, everybody drops him. his friends, not wanting to be connected to the incident, give him the cold shoulder. teachers and other adults in the town assume that he is on the fast track to juvie ( he does not go to juvie ) and their expectations for him plummet, meaning he is without support. most importantly, william either capitalises on or benefits from this public perception. not only can he ride on the sympathy and presumed innocence in connection with the missing children, having lost a child himself, but any attempt by michael to point out the strange shit he gets up to can be shut down with a simple ‘there’s a criminal in this house and it isn’t me’, and that applies to people outside looking in as well -- if you’re going to suspect an afton of wrongdoing, it’s not going to be business-owner and tragic grieving father william, but known killer and delinquent michael.

and i need that to come with a myriad of contradictory emotions in michael. yes guilt! yes self-loathing! but also, the feeling of ostracisation leading to hurt and frustration, and that frustration fermenting into bottled-up anger, which only reinforces what they think of him when he loses his grip and lets it out. he is on the wheel of hurt into anger into shame. he is lying awake at night years after the fact like, ‘is one mistake going to ruin my life?’ and then slapping himself because ‘one mistake’ was killing his brother. he knows that he can’t bring evan back, he thinks it’s unfair that he’s still alive and evan isn’t, and there’s nothing he can do about it but endlessly police himself. every move he makes is scrutinised, and that results in exhaustion and, eventually, explosions.

 he’s afraid to be around children, but he works at freddy’s, he can’t just avoid them; and his fear of seeing another child come to harm manifests as him flipping out and screaming if a child does something he thinks will put them in danger -- drawing their parents’ ire. all this to say, he is not a doormat after evan’s death; he’s stewing in a cocktail of emotions, but he’s not passive and he’s not letting people walk all over him. his attempts to be that way only ever backfire.

and he treats elizabeth like she's made of porcelain, terrified of losing her, too. he was already effectively raising his siblings -- and i’ve actually seen some pushback for this, saying that it woobifies mike or detracts from william somehow, and i disagree. it’s not at all uncommon in some american communities ( including those in utah, without intending to stereotype ) to have eldest children act as primary caretakers, especially in big or busy families. while the aftons are not actively religious, i think it makes sense in the town they live in. it’s just a sort of passive expectation, but the specifics of their home life make it worse than usual. all this to say, michael is extremely protective of elizabeth, perhaps to the point of hovering or being controlling. he does everything with her, devotes his time away from work to her, she’s more of a daughter than a sister to him with an eight year age gap. i’m very much in the camp of ‘william was presents > presence with elizabeth’, a different form of damage to the abuse shown to michael, but damage nonetheless. michael was present, but he wasn’t a parent no matter how hard he tried to be, and the guilt and the self-policing did not stop the pressure from continuing to cook his brain. and maybe something would have given, if william hadn’t gotten there first.

it’s been seven years since evan, they’ve found a new normal, and then elizabeth is gone. moreover, it’s indisputably william’s fault, intentional or not, and mike doesn’t even know about the murder robot. all he knows is that william took elizabeth to a party with his new robots at his new restaurant and she died. that’s blame enough. and here’s william, not knowing how to cope, not because he's super torn up over it being elizabeth personally, but because he broke his own pattern, and because he is forced into a position of understanding. for years michael has been the fuckup who got a child killed in an accident and everyone has hated and blamed him and william has grilled him for it. just absolutely taken advantage of it, actively, passively, whatever, it has been a boon. and now he’s done the same thing, and the tables have turned, and he’s taken someone from michael who cannot be replaced. 

and this is where the doormat kicks in for me. this absolutely destroys mike. he doesn’t speak to anyone for weeks after her death, and it takes him over a month to even look at william again. and i think having to live in a house with a grieving person also has an impact on william. it's not that he suddenly sees the error of his ways, it's that he's trapped with a low functioning boy who now doesn't even have the energy to lash out at him because he killed the light of his life. and to me william is scary because you never know what line he'll cross next, he can do anything and everything, but i also think william is a creature of passion, and that having to just sit and stew in michael's very open very overwhelming grief was not something he could ignore or dismiss.

and the thing is, contrary to the expected results, this leads to them becoming closer. they go full codependent. that house goes into apocalypse mode where they're the sole survivors, a family of five ( with the emilies as close friends adding four more ) reduced to a family of two. i love the idea of william snapping back to normalcy; his guilt is less 'i killed elizabeth' ( i say it every time but even if you have children and you’re also a child serial killer you do not give much of a shit about dead kids ), it was ‘i have put my family on thin fucking ice and the only person i have left in the entire world is completely different now and i have to deal with that’.  he cannot opt out he can't walk away. ( well he could have, he could have been like ‘michael move out,’ but i don't think it even occurred to him. ) they're so scared to upset the status quo because if one more even happens they'll both lose it entirely. william has to stop pushing that button michael has to stop acting out they have to find peace. they’re in the life of pi raft they have no other option. william offers the olive branch of starting over and mike takes it and tries his best to do everything william asks of him and be a dutiful son, and the resentment is just completely dampened and deadened by the depression. there is nothing to lash out for.

they both have to sit there and face this and the aftershocks of it. and i think there is horror in william being like, this was too much this is where i swear it off,' ( the fucking child crusher 9000 ) and trying to flee back to normalcy and build a relationship with the son he abused. mostly predicated not william on suddenly switching to being loving and supporting, but a lot of the abuse just stopping. they both are so tired they barely have energy for anything anymore. it is such a dour house. only for william to die trying to clean up his loose ends and hide evidence. he shoved those things in the basement and they gained semi-sentience. he left the bodies of his victims in the restaurant to rot and when he went back to dispose of them he got sproinged.

it rings poetic to me for the very last death on his roster, michael, to be the one who's ( metaphorically ) carrying all the souls, to be the odd person out in terms of how remnant works ( self-possession of his own dead body ). william tried to run away, he tried to say okay we are closing that chapter of my life, and it blew up in his face. when elizabeth died it was already too late. when charlie died it was already too late. william could have tried for normalcy after evan died and instead 1) decided child murder was really cool and 2) to rub it in michael's face and milk it for all it was worth. and then it happens to him and he's like guhbuh oh nwo ok cleanup time i wanna lay low now and by that point like... that is not an option. he thought evan and elizabeth were bookends. wrong bookends. it started with michael killing evan and ended with michael dying, and now you have to fucking deal with what you set in motion ( the forever zombie revenge stalker ).

[pastexistence]

2, 5, 8, 17, 25, 30

Thank you!!

2. ur fav genre?

Fantasy is definitely the genre I read the most of, but historical fiction might be my favourite. The fantasy books I read are so often inspired by real-life history and I think that's a big draw for me, as I read a lot of historical non-fiction as well.

5. enemies to lovers or friends to lovers

I think this really depends on the context. Enemies to lovers works really well for me in fantasy books, but I don't tend to enjoy it in books with more contemporary settings. I think enemies to lovers only really works for me in books where the conflict that makes the characters enemies is unique to the world of the story, whereas in books set in our world, I tend to find the conflict is either too small to make them 'enemies' or too big for them to overcome in order to become lovers. So to conclude, I think it depends on the genre of the book as to which trope I prefer.

8. the best protagonist u have ever seen in a book and why?

My number 1 favourite book character of all time is Inej Ghafa from Six of Crows, I just adore her. I'm so in love with Inej because I really admire how she is able to always remain so compassionate even in the worst of situations. Leigh Bardugo did such a good job writing her because everything about Inej just makes sense. Every skill she acquires, everything she says and does is all backed up by what we already know about her and we can see where the elements of Inej's character originate from in her life prior to the books, which I think is what makes her stand out to me as such a well-written character - I never feel like there's any loose ends with her.

17. a book to get u out of a reading slump?

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang brought me out of a reading slump and I absolutely raced through it. I had been reading Fire & Blood before and, whilst it was a good book, it did take me a really long time to get through it - not only because of its length but because its format was very academic and didn't necessarily flow in the way I enjoy when reading fiction. The Poppy War does such a good job of sucking you into the world of the book immediately - the plot is so engaging and original, and Rin is a genuinely brilliant main character (she's my 2nd favourite of all time behind Inej)

25. a book that had u bawling ur eyes out?

Hamnet by Maggie O'Farrell has got to be the most I've cried at a book in a longggg time. Her prose is so so beautiful and I think the final section of the book following the loss of the titular character portrayed the other characters' grief in such a stunning way that was really touching to read. The final chapter, when Shakespeare's Hamlet comes to fruition as a way of honouring his son, bridged the gap between Hamnet's parents' grief in such a beautiful way that I couldn't help but tear up when reading it.

30. give any 3 book recs to ur followers!

Here's a few books that I've really enjoyed recently:

Fantasticland by Mike Bockoven - Very much of the element of Lord of The Flies, this book follows a group of amusement park employees who find themselves stranded in the park following a huge hurricane, and the sharp decline into conflict that follows in the weeks leading up to their rescue. I really enjoyed the interview format of this book, because it allowed you to receive the story in fragments from different characters, building the bigger picture over time as you were able to figure things out from different perspectives.

The Young Visiters by Daisy Ashford - Only 9 years old when she wrote this book, Daisy Ashford's writing portrays the high society of Victorian England from a child's perspective, creating a really genuinely funny read. You can really tell that she aims to understand the adult world of her society, despite the rather limited information she had access to. Only about 60 pages long in total, I found myself laughing the whole way through.

Femina: A New History of the Middle Ages by Janina Ramirez - This is one of my favourite non-fiction books I've ever read, as it discusses previously overlooked women's history in medieval Europe in a really accessible way that I found really enjoyable. Ramirez corrects common misconceptions and the wider implications of archaeological finds on women's history and the history of the middle ages as a whole, discussing women's religion, art, and power during this period. Divided into several sections, this book hones in on individual figures whilst also helping to develop a more general picture of life in medieval Europe.

Book asks

[newmusicradionetwork]

Jayne Denham’s Album ‘Moonshine’ Hits You Like White Lightning

Jayne Denham, proving again that she’s the dominant female force in Australian country rock music, unveils a new groundbreaking album titled Moonshine with the mind-blowing focus track “Lovin’ A Wild Thing.” ‘If you want the fire gotta dance in the flames, that’s what you get for lovin’ a wild thing.’ This focus track is penned by talented songwriters Brian White, Jason Sever, Ben Glover, and Chad Brownlee. The album is infused with the spirited essence of the Prohibition era of risk-taking, love affairs, and dedicated moonshine runners, the resonating themes and sounds blend uniquely in today’s modern country music scene. Drawing inspiration from the raw, wild, and action-packed sounds of that time, Jayne embarks on a sonically rich journey that evokes the spirited and illegal act of moonshine production. With Moonshine, Jayne’s musical voyage pays homage to the adventurous thrill seekers and inevitable heartbreak that characterized a period defined by defiance and rebellion. Miranda Lambert, Brandy Clark, Shane McAnally, and Jon Randall all take part in this musical campaign, as their lyrics and songs were all chosen specifically to bring Jayne’s Moonshine album to life. Building on the success of her chart-topping album WANTED, which earned a Golden Guitar nomination for Contemporary Album of the Year in 2022, Jayne invites listeners on an adventure with Moonshine, a 10-track album that features various Grammy-winning and Grammy-nominated songwriters, once again proving why she’s Australia’s leading country rock female artist. Jayne has had various number-one hits with her industry peers. In March 2023, Jayne released her album title track, “Moonshine,” featuring Colt Ford, written by Cameron Jaymes, Colin Elmore, and Melissa Peirce. The boot-stomping cross-country collaboration infused Jayne’s country rock roots, captivating audiences worldwide with placements on CMT USA, CMT Official Top 30 in Australia, No. 5 on KIX Country, and CountryTown Hot 50. The second single, “Face of the Sun,” written by Brian White, Megan Conner, and Pete Stewart, does not hold back with emotion or rawness. “Stunt Double,” is an upbeat, fun, and cheeky song that makes listeners envision a movie in their minds from the minute they hear the lyrics. Written by Trevor Rosen, Hillary Lindsey, and Shane McAnally, it placed No. 1 on the Country Radio charts and landed on New Music Friday (USA). The fourth single release, “Are You Ready For This,” with Hurricane Fall, written by Jessi Alexander, Jon Randall, and Miranda Lambert, is a wild, loud, and rockin’ song that will get any party started. Landing on the Top 10 Tamworth Hottest Australian Country Hits, Top 40 Australian Airplay Chart, and No. 6 on the Country Thunder Top 30 Chart. The final Moonshine single of the year was “Chain Smokin’,” written by Brandy Clark (Miranda Lambert, Reba McEntire, Darius Rucker, and Kacey Musgraves) and hit songwriters Matt Jenkins and Trevor Rosen. If you have felt the void of being lonely and found yourself caught in a rollercoaster of emotions in a relationship to fill the gap, then the hard-hitting lyrical choice sets the stage for what’s to come. “‘Moonshine’ is the next evolution in my series of era-inspired albums,” says Jayne. “While WANTED paid homage to the rugged, horseback days of old spaghetti westerns, this new record delves into the gritty, rebellious spirit of the prohibition era. Imagine mixing up a big pot of outlaw tales from the hills, seasoned with country rock. It’s about capturing the essence of a time when moonshiners ruled the backwoods and fast cars roared through the countryside. I wanted to infuse this album with that untamed energy and transport listeners to a world where the spirit of rebellion runs deep and the music hits hard.” Moonshine was produced by Grammy-nominated songwriters and producers Brian White, who has earned sixteen #1 songs, two Dove Awards for Song of the Year, and the recent #1 “Blame It On You” (Jason Aldean), and Brian Bunn, whose songs have been recorded by Lee Brice, Jackson Dean, Chase Matthew, Parmalee, and more. The project incorporates a unique blend of country rock with a gritty edge. With soaring vocals, Jayne exudes her energy, captivating audiences with her renowned live shows, including most recently headlining her sold-out show at the Tamworth Country Music Festival, solidifying her status as a powerhouse in the country-rock scene. “These stories remain wild and outlaw with a contemporary twist. I thoroughly enjoyed curating songs that perfectly complement the narrative of this album. From the badass anthems to the moments of pure fun, party vibes, and heart-wrenching ballads,” adds Jayne. “I love crafting an album that serves as a musical journey for my fans, from the opening track, “The Moonshine Raid,” to the discovery of “Moonshine Money,” where we uncover the hidden treasures stashed away by Uncle Jimmy. In a world dominated by singles, I take pride in delivering a cohesive body of work that tells a story, allowing listeners to immerse themselves in the narrative from start to finish.” To accompany the Moonshine album, Jayne has partnered with Franklin County Distillery, located in the mountains of Virginia, known as the “Moonshine Capital of the World,” to release her own line of two different-flavored moonshines, Ridge Runner Pear and Orchard Peach. If you pre-order one of the merchandise packs, you will be entered into a drawing to win a bottle of Jayne Denham’s Moonshine, soon to be available in Australia. The full-length album, Moonshine, will be available on Friday, May 3, 2024.  STREAM HERE Jayne Denham’s Moonshine Tracklisting (songwriters in parenthesis): - - The Moonshine Raid (Brian Bunn) - Moonshine featuring Colt Ford (Cameron Jaymes, Colin Elmore, Melissa Peirce) - Are You Ready For This featuring Hurricane Fall (Jessi Alexander, Jon Randall, Miranda Lambert) - Chain Smokin’ (Brandy Clark, Matt Jenkins, Trevor Rosen) - Poison Chuck (Cannon, Allen Shamblin) - Stunt Double (Hillary Lindsey, Trevor Ronsen, Shane McAnally) - Risk It All (Jayne Denham, Brian White, Phil Barton) - Lovin’ A Wild Thing (Brian White, Jason Sever, Ben Glover, Chad Brownlee) - Face Of The Sun (Brian White, Megan Conner, Pete Stewart) - Moonshine Money (Matt Scullion, Jayne Denham, Ross Flora) Jayne Denham’s RISK IT ALL Tour Dates May 3, 2024 – Moonshine Album Launch Party at The Beer Shed May 4, 2024 – Charters Towers Country Music Festival May 17, 2024 – Harmonie German Club Jun. 7, 2024 – Freemasons Hotel Molong Jun. 15, 2024 – Barra & Boots Music Festival (Proserpine) Jun. 21, 2024 – Moonshiners Tamworth Jul 5, 2024 – Astor Hotel Goulburn Jul. 6, 2024 – Oaks Hotel Albion Park Rail Jul. 23, 2024 – Camden Hotel Sept. 27, 2024 – Texas QLD Country Music Festival 2024 Oct. 26, 2024 – Mandurah Country Music Festival About Jayne Denham Five-time Golden Guitar nominee Jayne Denham is one of Australia’s most admired and sought-after country rock performers. Her fifth album, WANTED, came out of the gate, firing all the bullets, reaching No. 1 on the ARIA Australian Country Album Chart. WANTED hailed as a country rock musical journey with a spaghetti western flare. Denham has scored five No. 1 smash hits in Australia, six Top 10 songs in the National Country Charts, 12 Top 30 videos, and six Country Music Channel (CMC) nominations. Three of Denham’s music videos have gone No. 1 on CMT, including “Car Trouble,” “Hung Up On You, and “Addicted to the Diesel.” Jayne has also performed for CMC Rocks the Hunter, QLD and North QLD, Gympie Muster, Deni Ute Muster, NQ’s Rockin’ Country, Groundwater CMF, and PBR. She has also appeared on USA stages, including Nashville Today, the Mid-America Truck Show, the Great American Truck Show, the Ohio Truck Show, and Whiskey Jam. In March 2023, Jayne Denham released her single and music video “Moonshine” feat. Colt Ford, with placements on CMT USA, CMT Official Top 30 in Australia, No. 5 on KIX Country, and CountryTown Hot 50. Since then, Jayne has released singles “Face of the Sun”; “Stunt Double,” placing No. 1 on the Country Radio charts and landing on USA’s New Music Friday; and “Are You Ready For This,” with Hurricane Fall. Read the full article

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

Once Upon a Halloween Night

Seven authors present romance novellas that have one big Halloween Party in New Orleans in common. I went in thinking I would read one or two romances and move on but each story grabbed my attention and soon I found I had read them all.

DATING IN DISGUISE by Lauren Helms: Blind date with one night stand expected with strong connection but neither able to forget the other. Will they meet again?

HAUNTED MELODIES by Kate Stacy: Age gap romance that has been a slow burn on both parts but finally culminates beautifully at the Halloween party.

GHOSTED by Susan Renee: Bride left at the altar goes to New Orleans to trash her wedding dress. She attends the Halloween party with her cousin’s hockey playing teammate and there is a definite connection.

HURRICANES & Halloween BY Katrina Marie: Second chance to get it right when two meet at their class reunion, attend the Halloween party, and realize the time is finally right for them to be together.

MASKED LOVE by Courney W. Dixon: M/M age gap romance with the boss and his Personal Assistant finding something special at their fake date while attending the Halloween party.

HOT HEX ON A PLATTER: by Louise Lennox: A reality show where two find true love, are parted, and meet again at the party. This book has a bit of a cliffhanger as there is a book to follow.

Did I enjoy these stories? Yes

Would I read more by these authors? Yes – this collection provided me the chance to read a few authors I have read before and read new authors I would gladly read again.

Thank you to IndiePen for the ARC – This is my honest review.

5 Stars

BLURB

Congratulations! You’ve been invited to attend the exclusive Once Upon A Halloween Night bash. This year, join us in New Orleans Warehouse District on Halloween Night for an evening of fun, costumes and… romance? Wait. What? That’s right. The Indie Pen PR and Beyond the Bookshelf Publishing are proud to host Lauren Helms, Aubree Valentine, Kate Stacy, Mel Walker, Susan Renee, Kartina Marie, Courtney W. Dixon, and Louise Lennox - in this fun Halloween romance anthology. So, throw on your best costume and get ready to sit back and enjoy eight brand new novellas to celebrate this spooky season with a romantic twist.

Buy Now: https://books2read.com/u/3k2QKG

[thenightmareofyourdrems]

@oracle-venus sent: 𝔜𝔬𝔲 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡 𝔟𝔢 𝔬𝔨𝔞𝔶 𝔞𝔤𝔞𝔦𝔫. ℑ𝔣 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔩𝔢𝔱 𝔪𝔢 𝔦𝔫

               ˜”*°•.      For  a  brief  second ,  he  remained  silent  -  words  impossible  to  muster .  Emotions  a  hurricane  -  but  hadn’t  they  been  so  for  ever  since  summer  ?  This  whole  year  a  torment .  And  as  hard  as  he  might’ve  resisted  the  temptation  to  stay  alone ,  he  still  felt  lonely.  With  Anne  gone ,  Ominis  and  the  new  student  barely  talking  to  him ,  he’d  turned  his  attention  to  different  parts  of  Hogwarts .  Studying  what  he  spent  most  of  his  time  with  -  exams  approaching  dangerously  fast .  At  the  same  time ,  he’d  tried  to  pay  more  attention  to  the  Crossed  Wands ,  too .   Help  Lucan  organize  the  next  big  event .  It’d  worked .  For  the  first  one  or  even  two  weeks ,  he’d  surrounded  himself  with  adequate  distractions .  His  days  too  busy  for  mind  to  wander  -  until  head  touched  the  pillow ,  and  the  nightmares  kept  him  awake .

When  the  other  spoke ,  he  found  his  head  threatening  to  ache .  He  didn’t  know  how  he  was  supposed  to  feel .  Relieved  ?  Happy ?  Nostalgic  ?  Furious  ?   Even  as  they’d  shared  the  same  dorm ,  the  distance  growing  -  gap  perhaps  impossible  to  bridge.  Sebastian  had  been  avoiding  him  -  for  really ,  what  was  there  to  be  said  ?  He  knew  what  Ominis  would  say  -  the  same  thing  he’d  always  said .  The  Dark  Arts  were  dangerous ,   he’d  gone  too  far .   Almost  as  if  accusations  would  alter  the  past . 

❝ Let  you  in  ?   I  thought  this  was  part  of  my  punishment .  None  of  you  acknowledging  my  existence.   ❞   Echoed  the  words  bitter .    ❝ And  I  am  alright . ❞  But  he  wasn’t .  No.   He  was  barely  keeping  his  head  from  exploding  -  sleeplessness ,  restlessness ,  guilt  and  anger  all  combined ,  all  eating  him  from  the  inside  day  after  day.  He  didn’t  even  know  where  his sister  was  anymore .  He  didn’t  know  if  he  would  ever  see  her  again .  He  didn’t  know  a  single  thing  -  and  quite  honestly  ?  he’d  caught  himself  wondering  a  little  bit  too  often  just  how  worse  would’ve  Azkaban  truly  been .  His  presence  at  Hogwarts  nothing  but  a  ghost  of  what  their  life  had  once  been  like .

[po1songore]

anything you'd crave

william afton x reader fanfic ,part I

art by noisx

this chapter contains : cussing / age gap

this whole fic will include : third pov / smut / female reader / sugardaddy / a lot of kinks / degradation / pillow princess / age gap / cheating / writer's self insert bc you need a best friend for this fic >:)

"y/n! im gonna drop the boxes i swear-!"your friend called out on you as you quickly removed the boxes from her hands with a little chuckle. the red head in question was your trusty friend who lived in hurricane for a while, while you lived quite some time away. until now, though. jane, the redhead had found your recent break up a perfect opportunity to convince you to live close to her so you two can finally live that highschool dream of being neighbours with one another.

who are you, though? y/n l/n ,of course. your expectations for college were...different and you didn't exactly pass with flying colors. and on top of everything, your boyfriend broke it off for a lady like, what, ten years older than him? but to each their own i guess. so you took the big step. left everything behind and used the last of your savings to get a house in the quiet town of hurricane, utah. now hurricane was a quiet place indeed,a small town where most of the big names in companies and such resided. you deemed yourself extremely lucky to have good connections to get a house here for a normal price. but, aside from that, you are now in your office. your /new/ office.jane made sure you had a way of getting some cash for at least now and placed you as an assistant in the local newspaper hqs, so now you were practically placing your paperwork and all in your office next to hers.

"hey, earth to y/n."jane snapped her fingers in front of you as you were spacing off. even though you guys were doing nothing more than making your office a more comfortable place, people in the room outside of your office aka the main area gave you dirty looks. you finally let the box on the couch inside your office and turned to the redhead."why do half the people look at me weirdly and the others dont even bother-"

"shit i forgot to mention.this building is intertwined with the building of afton robotics, the people who are looking at us like that are..stuck up rich people basically. "she explained and sighed a bit placing some things on your desk.

"afton robotics?"

"y/n.yes afton robotics, one of the biggest companies around the state and out of it? do you live under a rock..?"she said giving you the look that made you feel, honestly , like living under a rock. "only good thing about that company is its ceo.not my type but, god , he is one fine man."

nodding a bit you seemed to get the grasp of it.small town, half people couldn't care less about you,and the other half look at you like you are a gum stuck in the bottom of their shoe, hot ceo and big company besides yours.noted.

"hey jane i think im gonna grab a coffee before we get to work."you said, you really needed a boost after all that ,plus you were jet lagged as hell.

"yeah sure thing, the cafeteria its in the 3rd floor. I'll go do some things until you are back."

with a nod you were ready to go. trying as much as possible to seem confident and not panic, you made your way to the elevator. once the doors opened, your eyes were laid upon one of the best looking men you had ever seen, if not the one. dark brown hair pushed back with some spare strands of gray, a perfectly sculpted face and a tall posture of what, 6'5? but, the most captivating thing was that gaze this person had , tired dark gray eyes , an almost sinister look that you couldn't resist looking at .

making your way inside, you just stood there for a bit before the male spoke up."you need to press the button for the elevator to move, doll."shit.he is right,you reached your hand to press on..what floor was that again? great, by now your face was red and flustered.

"where do you wanna go?"he said with a small chuckle.

"uh the..the cafeteria.sorry its my first day here and im still confused."

"ah i see, well,its on the third floor so keep that in mind."he told you and pressed the button, before placing his hand on his tie and fixing it around his collar to look more flawless than before.

at least he didn't seem to have that stuck up look like the others did. you left out a sigh of relief before smiling a bit."thanks, most people look really judgy here and its a little..odd.."

"i can imagine. but, don't pay them much attention. trust me, they wish they had a chance to be the new person here." he said and gave you a little side smile as the doors opened wide.

yeah.he was right! these people were probably jealous of your looks, chances and your age as you were one of the youngest to work here. "you are totally right its just..difficult to think of stuff this way."

once you two were out of the elevator and the doors closed behind, you moved towards the counters and waited to get your order. the male got his written down easily and quickly, but when it came to you, a problem had of course to occur.

"i can't serve you without a work card."

"what-Its my first day i didnt get the chance to ge-"

"its policy, i am strictly told to serve people who wear a work tag."

the male soon turned to you with a little chuckle."whats your name?"

you looked at him confused. this is not the time for introductions,this is more the time you are getting publicly humiliated much like in school when the lunch lady made it a deal for 10 cents off..

"its y/n l/n but wha-"

"hey violet-"he turned to the lady across the counter, leaning forward and resting his arms there."write her name down, everything she gets from now on is on me alright?"he said giving her a charming smile. no ,not a cute little smile. one of these smiles that made adrenaline rush through your body and you didn't know why.

the lady's expression softened to a happy one,almost like a school girl."of course mr william~" she said and started getting your order done in no time after noting your name on a little notepad.

whoa, this dude was either large on money or that lady had a serious crush on him going on.

"thanks for that but you didnt ne-"

"don't worry about it, its nothing. well, its been a pleasure y/n but,i have a busy schedule today so i will have to let you guide yourself to the upper floor alone,sadly."he said with a cheeky little grin as he grabbed his drink.

"i hope i see you around."

"and he was like, so nice and paid for my things, and-" with a laugh, jane closed the door in your office."whoa whoa whoa relax. you are acting like you fell in love with the dude from the elevator. its not a bad thing but you /just/ broke up."

"what?im not in love, its just...nice seeing people being actually..people and not.."you pointed out the window of your office to everyone looking at each other in a hostile manner."whatever that is."

"alright, im glad you are happy then. i only hope you dont crash into mr afton like you did with this guy.."

"oh right" you took a sip before speaking up."who is that guy anyways?"

"ceo of the company next to us.rich , im talking filthy rich y/n.this man has so much money he can pass it down like, seven generations of people."

that,indeed sounds fascinating.impressive and a little terrifying.

"god...how the hell,and we are out here searching for spare change."

"yeah, he is self made though, all by himself and his work partner, mr emily.he isnt around much but, afton always is here checking up. he is pretty strict with people from both buildings, good thing he is hot."

"okay you say that again and again as if he is like, the face of forbes and playgirl at the same time.how does he look like?"

"ah ,you will recognize him.dark hair, tall and slender, deep blue eyes, always wearing a suit and a purple tie, pretty cheekbones,a nice smil-"

and as your friend went on and on to describe him,your mind immediately froze at the realization."and his name is william?"

"yes!who told you that?"

"shit-"

[tomtenadia]

Remember us - part 5

Hello everyone....

Your weekly dose of angst is here... but in this part we have a bit of domestic fluff...

CW: mention of miscarriage and depression

-----

“Aelin, please.” His voice gruff with pain.

“I said get out.” She snarled at him from the bed.

Rowan moved a step towards her doing the exact opposite of what she had told him “I am not.” His arms folded at his chest “do you really think that being alone will help? That kicking me out will heal the pain of losing our daughter?”

Aelin sobbed hard and threw the pillow at him and he took the hit “don’t.”

“I lost her too. Will you accept that the pain is not only yours?” He shouted back “I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. And it fucking hurts because she was my baby girl too.”

“Stop…” her sobs grew in intensity “You have no idea of the pain.”

Rowan moved closer “No I don’t. I did not carry her in me for five months. I don’t know that pain.” He caressed her head “but she had a hold on my heart since the day you showed me the sonogram.”

“You are hurting me.” She said quietly looking away from him “and I need you to go.”

“Fireheart…”

“I said get out.” She shouted.

With his heart breaking, Rowan left the room.

Rowan woke up with a gaps, feeling the desperate need to get air in his lungs. He drew a hand on his face and felt tears. Had he been crying?

The memory was still vivid in his mind and it left him with unbearable anguish in his heart. In the dream he had felt both their pain. It had been real. His thumb reached for the ring on his fourth finger a gesture he had been doing a lot recently.

The memory had left him in a daze. How had they survived such deep pain? How could two people recover from such destructive sorrow?

But they did. Somehow their marriage had proven stronger than loss.

He sighed and took his phone to look at more picture of his family. He had so many that it took him a lot to go through them all. When he unlocked the phone he saw a text from Aelin sitting there, waiting for him.

Eagerly he opened it I am going back to work today, is it okay if I come and visit you?

Like a desperate man Rowan texted back as fast as he could please, it would make me very happy. The tv seems to be a very poor companion.

After he sent the text he realised his words had been true. He needed to see her.

Great. I am taking Tom to the nursery and I am on my way.

His lips tugged upwards in a smile. Then he made himself presentable. Aelin had brought him clothes and Evalin had brought some more so slowly and very carefully, he walked to the wardrobe. His right leg still getting used to have weight back on. Once he was done he went back to bed and fixed his ruffled hair. He was nervous. He had said to Evalin that his heart told him to try and that was what he was going to do. Apologise first. Then slowly start to get back to his old life. He knew it was going to be a tough ride but their time apart had increased that tug between them. He was afraid to admit that he had missed her daily visits.

Aelin arrived an hour later and as soon as she walked into his room, his heart raced.

“Hi you,” she said softly, still standing on the door.

He gave her a smile and with his head motioned to the chair. She took the offer and sat in front of him.

“Rowan—” she started but he stopped her.

“No, let me go first, please.”

Aelin nodded and he took a moment to gather his thoughts. This was his chance to right his stupidity.

“I am sorry for what I said.” He told her “but I need you to understand how frightening and overwhelming this is for me.” Pine green eyes met blue “memories have started to trickle back. Some happy some more painful, but they helped me understand us a bit better. When I married you I promised we would face this adventure together.” He took a deep breath “You said that life can be unpredictable and cruel but that at each other’s side we could conquer anything.” He told her grabbing the hand that was on the bed near his leg “what I am trying to say is that if you are happy to take back a husband in less than minted condition, I will be grateful for the help.”

Aelin stood and kissed his forehead “Yeah, yeah I will take you back.” She sobbed hard, standing in front of him.

“This is not going to be easy.

“I know.” She brushed his hair in a loving motion and the gesture felt familiar to Rowan “but our marriage has withstood far worse.”

“I know. I saw a memory of it.”

Aelin sat back down, the smile disappearing from her features “but you fought for us. Even when I was so broken that I was ready to give up everything. You brought us out of the darkness.”

“Yrene said they can let me go home in a couple of days but she needs to know that I have a place where to go.”

Aelin took his hand “you are coming home.”

*

Rowan was in Aelin’s car and together they were driving home.

He had been so nervous that he barely slept. In the past couple of days Aelin had visited whenever she could and had discussed the new challenge ahead. Evalin was going to stay. Thomas would go to nursery but Freyja would stay with her grandma. Rowan had agreed that he could not yet be trusted with being alone with an infant.

He was nervous about meeting their kids; Thomas in particular. He was the one who remembered him the most and did not want to break the boy’s heart.

Aelin had tried to explain to Thomas that his dad had been in hospital and unwell and that his memories had disappeared. Thomas had cried at the sadness of his dad not remembering him. She had told all of that to Rowan.

“I am terrified.”

“Don’t. Acknowledge Thomas, play with him. Even if you don’t remember things just go with it.”

Rowan sighed and then he saw Aelin park in front of a lovely detached house with a garden at the front, a swing set and a tree with a treehouse.

“The tree has a treehouse on it.” He noticed, admiring their house.

Aelin chuckled, “you built it for Tom last year. You two would sleep in there from time to time and pretend to be on some sort of incredible adventure.”

Rowan smiled and then opened the door of the car and grabbed his walking stick. Dorian had assured him that it was time to leave the crutches behind and use the stick. They had practiced together until he was comfortable with it.

Aelin grabbed his bag and joined him “let’s go, mum is making lunch and I am starving.”

“You are always hungry.” He said to her and Aelin stopped in her tracks.

“What did you just say?”

“It just came out, I am sorry.”

She turned fully to him and smiled “you said that to me a lot. Together with complaining about my diet.” She took his free hand “come on buzzard, time to meet our two terrors.”

As soon as they walked into the house and Aelin announced their arrival a little blonde hurricane crashed into him, grabbing his legs “Dad, you are back.”

Rowan looked down and saw his son with his arms wrapped around his legs, green eyes shining with happiness.

His hand brushed his blonde hair “I am.”

“Mum, can I play with him?” The boy asked eagerly grabbing his father’s hand.

“Later, Tom. Dad just got back. Give him some time.”

In that instant he noticed Evalin appear with a girl in her arms “welcome home, Rowan.”

“Thank you, Evalin.” He said, not being able to stare away from the little girl. She was his clone.

Freyja seemed to recognise him and leaned forward, extending her arms to him.

Rowan looked at Aelin almost as if to ask permission and she nodded. He took the girl and sat down on the sofa. Freyja’s head leaned on his shoulder and Rowan’s hand went to her back in a protective gesture. A moment later Thomas joined them and hugged his sister and a bit of his dad.

Aelin sobbed at the scene. They had both been scared. Both worried. Because Rowan had confessed her that hurting the kids was the last thing he wanted. But now looking at that precious moment, she realised they would be fine. Thomas was easy going and Freyja always had a deeper connection with her father. And she knew, from the way Rowan had taken his daughter in his arms that no memory loss would ever took away the bond they had.

“Hi, my love.” He whispered to the girl, inhaling her scent. Freyja snuggled closer. “Come to my side, Tom.” The boy grinned and climbed on the sofa and on his knees he turned to his dad and hugged them again “I missed you, dad.”

“Well, you need to tell me everything you did while I was away.”

Aelin’s hand went to her stomach and smiled tenderly at the man in front of her. He could not yet tell his son he had missed him so he had found a way not to disappoint him.

“Mum, you come too.”

Aelin brushed her tears away and sat on the arm of the sofa just beside Rowan. It was the first time they were that close. Rowan turned his head and stared in the depths of her blue eyes. His eyes moved down to her lips and then back up. That thread between them pulled hard and before he knew it, he was kissing her. His body recognising hers. He pulled away only when he heard Thomas disgusted sounds.

Aelin stared at him with an expression he could not decipher. Maybe she was mad at him for kissing her? But it felt right. In his soul, kissing her had been right.

“You cheeky monkey.” Aelin stood and grabbed Thomas and started tickling him and the boy and Aelin’s laughter was the best music for Rowan’s ears.

*

After lunch was over the kids had gone out for a walk with their grandma and Aelin had given him a tour of the house. Rowan was impressed. They had a lovely house with four bedrooms and spacious enough to welcome a big family.

“You lost your parents when you were 20. They left you a nice stash of money that you never used. When we got married you used that money to buy this house. Our home.”

She sat at his side on the sofa, with a cup of herbal tea in her hands.

“I am sorry I kissed you. I should have asked first. I am sorry.” He looked away embarrassed at his gesture.

Aelin placed the tea on the table then grabbed his face with her hand and turned to him “Ro, you are my husband. You don’t have to ask for permission to kiss me.”

“I know, but I don’t know where we stand on that aspect of us.” He explained looking at her “I don’t know where I stand. I kissed you because it felt right, but I don’t think I can go any further right now.”

Aelin nodded “of course.” That was probably their last big challenge. There was so much to deal with right now that sex was very low on her priority list although her hormones were having another opinion and that kiss had awoken in her the need for him, she had to be patient “but you can kiss me anytime and without asking, if you feel like it.” And winked at him.

He gave her a smirk that was so familiar that for a moment she felt like Rowan was truly back.

She stared into his pine green eyes while her hand was still on his cheek and then she moved and her lips met his and Rowan did not pull away. He just stood for a moment but then his mouth parted and opened for her and Aelin, at the invitation, deepened the kiss feeling the need to connect with him again.

Rowan froze for an instant at the kiss but as she did not move away he let it happen and slowly he melted in the feeling of her lips on his. Aelin’s hand sneaked on his back, pulling him closer and as Aelin deepened the kiss Rowan felt a strange feeling surge in him. Was it passion? It burned in him that strange desire and when Aelin’s tongue brushed his a moan left Rowan and he pulled back, not sure about what was happening between them.

When they pulled apart they were both breathless and Aelin caressed his face and smiled “it looks like this part between us hasn’t changed.”

Rowan lifted an eyebrow and Aelin chuckled “the fire between us. Before we had the kids we sometimes spent entire days off in bed.”

The top of Rowan’s ears turned red and she giggled and kissed him again and Rowan this time did not hesitate and her hands sneaked under his t-shirt and after a few more minutes of their make out session Rowan pulled back and stared deeply at her “you are stunning,” he whispered. He had thought that from the beginning. Rowan leaned back on the sofa and Aelin snuggled closed to his chest, inhaling deeply his scent and his arm went around her back.

“If you are uncomfortable, you tell me.” She said to him, her hand close to his heart.

Rowan shook his head “this feels nice.” His head turned to her “I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels right.”

“Hold me.”

And Rowan pulled Aelin to him, enveloping her in his strong arms.

He thought that perhaps, with her at his side, not everything was lost.

He closed his eyes and welcomed his dreams.

[pinkhairedlily]

He waits for her to break the spell

Prompt: Dates | AO3 link here | Connect with me on Twitter. (Belated) Happy SS Month everyone! 🌸🍅🥗 @ssskmonth

A/N: Almost 3,000 words so this is quite lengthy as well. 😅

Waves break against the cobblestones on the shore. Sasuke picks apart the shiny seaglasses with his eyes as they glint against the fading rays of the sun. His legs alternately swing with her on the seawall as they silently watch the small fishing boats dock at a nearby port. A flock of seagulls fly above them, calling it a day and coming home.

He waits for her to break the spell.

They’ve been here before, and several times the gaps were filled in with laughters, awkward conversations, and hushed confessions. He grew up with her, their houses on the same block, same primary schools, same favorite parks, but he never talked to her. But he knew her name, and she knew his. They knew each other’s families. It was one of those instances when you just saw a steady familiar face as you go through the motions of life.

He took a month’s worth of leave after the unfortunate car crash, and he settled back in quite all right, much better than his older brother who remained catatonic and would never truly grieve until his adulthood. The first week after, she followed him home, a few meters trailing behind him but close enough that he was always in her line of sight. He didn’t mind; after all, their houses were on the same block.

Then one day, she pulled his drifting mind to safety when he almost walked into an open manhole. The distances between them shortened in the following weeks until she walked beside him, even with no conversation.

She brought him here on the eve of his parents’ first death anniversary. They raced against the looming cumulonimbus with their rickety bikes after she ambushed him in front of the school gates after class. And he followed her, even when she said nothing, even when there was a storm coming.

When they arrived at the dock, the fishers were hurriedly tethering their boats to the steel posts, knowing the possibility that they will be strung away but trusting the hold the rope has, nonetheless.

It was a big storm and large drops were starting to pour down, but she stood on the edge of the seawall with arms stretched out to her side, her rose hair in disarray around her face, her eyes closed to welcome the fall of the rain. And just as the usual, he followed her, his body straining to keep upright against the gusts. He remembered feeling the rain come down like pellets, and he was sure he winced in pain. For the first seconds of that moment, he regretted coming along with her. Insane, irrational, dangerous – two teenagers soaking up the storm. But he felt it welling soon enough, the emotion he spent twelve months bottling up. It began to rack up slowly, accompanying his deep breath, and following his exhale, continuous sobs lost in the whistle of the gale.

He waits for her to break the spell.

The place has become solace for him. His signal was sometimes a pebble thrown at his window at four in the morning. Huddled up in a blanket he bunched in his bag pack, they sipped hot chocolate from the same thermos, their legs brushing against each other as they waited for the sun to rise.

“I want to be in the same class as you,” Sakura said, the blanket completely covering her head except her eyes, and he couldn’t tell whether it was a joke.

“That’s very clingy of you.” He tried to lighten it.

“And beat you in recitations and assignments and grades.”

“Clingy.” He repeated.

She loosened the blanket from her head and stuck out her tongue at him. “So what?”

So what, indeed. He only realized this as he fell into a deep sleep after they went home – they missed the sunrise, and that was their first conversation.

Sometimes the signals were just a wave – after classes at the gates – and they would bike to the seawall, just in time for the sunset. He cannot exactly pinpoint the exact date he gave her a mixtape, but the following afternoon, she brought a portable cd player and they listened to it with an earphone each on their ears.

And he doesn’t know why or what it was that triggered him, but he held her pinky finger with the long earphone wire in between. His memory was of her laughing, removing her finger momentarily from his touch and engulfing his entire hand with hers. It was warm and rough against the surface of the seawall.

He waits for her to break the spell.

They ditched prom, she dressed in an emerald dress that matched the intensity of her gaze, in two-inch heels, and messy bun of pink curls, and he in a classic black tuxedo set handed down to him by a cousin in the next city over. They would have won prom king and queen, but they traded the first dance with the meandering waltz through the busy streets in his motorcycle.

It caught him offguard, the way she looked ethereal without the distraction of a busy port or its harsh blinding lights. She was in company with the murmur of the waves and the soft echoes of a bustling city at night and his silent presence. They stood on the seawall, hand in hand, and her head was at a perfect height to lay on his shoulders thanks to her heels. She did the gesture while humming a song by The Cure. It was on her mixtape, but the title escaped him.

“Why don’t we dance, Sasuke?” She lifted her head and twirled around on the precarious ledge, her trust solely on his grip on her wrist.

“You told me you didn’t want to dance.” He pulled her in closer and placed both of her arms around his neck while his hands went to her waist.

“I want the stars as our audience,” she chided as they swayed side to side to an invisible beat. She started to sing in an offkey manner, and she laughed in between words when Sasuke didn’t bother to hide his regrets.

We’re never done with killing time, can I kill it with you

Till our veins run red and blue…

We come around here all the time

Got a lot to not do, let me kill it with you

She laughed harder when he joined her, his deep, sultry voice accompanying hers in a disconcerted rendition of the song.

You pick me up and take me home again

Head out the window again

We’re hollow like the bottles that we drain

You drape your wrist over the steering wheel, pulses can drive from here

We might be hollow, but we’re brave

“And I like you.” He reached through the small gap between their faces and captured her lips in a kiss. Soft, plump, cold. And she opened her mouth in response, welcoming his tongue with a smoldering warmth. They found their way to his empty house, his older brother a shell of pill-induced sleep, and they fell on his bed skin to skin, teeth to teeth, bones to bones. Her dress and heels on his floor and her rose strands on his pillow, fanned out and clenched through his fingers.

He waits for her to break the spell.

She was moving away. She told him this a month before graduation. Medicine in her dream school. He congratulated her with a sincere smile. He even tucked stray hair behind her ear, and she smiled back just as brightly.

Two days before her departure, they met here again at the peak of the port’s busiest harvest season. She cut her hair and dyed it black. For a change, she said.

“Why don’t you come with me?” she asked unprompted. Before this, she gave him a box of memorabilia, of things she wanted to leave behind with him.

Things she wanted to do away with. Things she doesn’t want with her.

Sasuke smirked. He put his hands inside his jacket’s pockets, afraid of holding her hands. “Why don’t you stay here with me?”

“You’re right. That was a selfish question.” She waved her hands in front of her as if to dissipate the weird atmosphere. Then, she looked at him with those piercing jade eyes. “But I wish you would, get out of this city, see the rest of the world blah blah, you know the script.”

This isn’t a miserable town when you are here, Sakura.

“Leave the grief behind,” she finished.

The doubts crept in. “So it was pity after all.”

That hit her bad, and her face contorted into a series of emotions, too fleeting for him to name everything at once. But she never got full on angry with him. The most argument they had was a cold shoulder that lasted for a month. “I was just offering you a chance to start over.”

“As if I cannot start over on my own,” he supplied.

“In this place?”

“This is my home, Sakura.”

“This isn’t mine,” she replied. “I can’t stay here. You know my dreams.”

He knew them all too well. He saw the pamphlets and brochures of the university stacked on her desk, and the map of the world gobsmacked on the wall of her room with pins on specific places and post-its of attractions. It didn’t escape him that there was no pin for their city or a post-it with his name. It was a hovering observation that haunted his head for years, and that eventually, he would have to decide.

But the world was too big for him, too expansive that he was afraid of the grief he would have unlocked at every place he stepped in. Sasuke smacked his lips together and nodded. “Keep in touch, will you?”

His hands fumbled with a box inside his pocket. I can’t follow you everywhere, Sakura.

“At least don’t remember what I felt as mere pity.”

It was a desolate moment, their seemingly absent outburst of emotions contrasted by yells of traders in the small impromptu market that assembled on the dock. She nodded, both knowing that it was an empty promise. She proceeded to stood on tiptoes, and he met her movement with an embrace as their lips touched for what felt like was a final kiss under the searing sun.

He waits for her to break the spell.

The waves come after midnight, Sasuke noticed. Sporadic sleepless nights comes in twos or threes or sevens, and he would glance at his weather application on his phone, swiping until he finds her city and wonders what she’s up to.

The text found him at his third cup of coffee before sunrise.

“It’s a great day to be out and about, sun will be shining today!”

Her city was in the middle of a hurricane path.

But she wasn’t. She was in front of his doorstep several years after she went away. Rose hair, emerald eyes, and a smile that he constantly chased in his dreams. She was back for the summer only, a quick break, a breather in her other words.

His caffeine-induced soul followed her footsteps out of his house and through the grocery aisles. He doesn’t engage her in conversation, but she has her hand in his, twirling now and then, euphoric to be in his orbit for a moment.

And he lost control of the script he prepared in his mind and the list of reasons why he shouldn’t be meeting her again because he, too, was euphoric to revolve around her again.

To refamiliarize all of her contours, to explore the new dips and marks that carved her skin, to taste the places she went to, to get a glimpse of her new batch of memories, to fill his senses with her being.

He parked his car beside the seawall one night, and Sakura waved him over, two bottles of beer already drained beside her.

“I heard Itachi got married.”

Sasuke halved his bottle before replying. “Izumi. Gentle but firm, dependable also. They liked the mountains more than the sea so they’re on the other side of the city.” He paused and drank the other half in one gulp. “How was….the world?”

“Shitty.” Sakura laughed. Spite, remorse, regret. “Med school is all right, aced it, like how you aced your law school.” A proud smile right there, and he caught that she implied she was keeping tabs on him even though there were no letters and calls, only sparse texts in few and between of the usual how are you and the default reply of I’m okay. “The rounds are what’s bad, like I’m always giving away a part of myself every time I treat. I have self-awareness and I’m empathetic, but I can only give away so much. There’s nothing I can take in return anyway. And life is moving too fast. Someone’s getting married, someone’s having a kid, and I’m stuck in scut duty with 72-hour shifts and I come home to no one.”

“And you feel lonely.” Sasuke summed it up for her.

“I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home.”

She swooped in into his space to place her lips on his mouth, and he allowed her to fill him in. He lost all reasoning when she appeared in his doorstep at the beginning of this season, and he will again lose all reasoning when it was time for her to go back. So he savored all what she could give.

Even if she was oblivious that he has given all of him, for her to take and not return. Like a boat capsizing in the middle of the storm and following the waves down to the bottom.

He waits for her to break the spell.

He waits for her to break the spell. Stars dots the transitioning purple sky, and the seaglass now glints against the moonshine. She pushes the stop button of the cd player even though it was no longer functioning, and they don’t have earphones on.

“I’m getting married.”

He knows even before she uttered the words from her own lips. He saw the band on her finger when she drifted through the grocery aisles with a silver-haired man a day ago. He twirled her in between shelves regardless of the bemused faces of onlookers, and he made her laugh out loud to the extent that she clutched at her sides.

And Sasuke wished he didn’t hear her laughter through his rushing thoughts.

“Congratulations,” he simply says.

“It just happened. He’s actually a schoolmate of ours, but he moved out to the next state for senior high. Kakashi? Does the name ring a bell?” Her face is animated when she says his name. “We met in the hospital. Turns out he’s a resident there too.”

God forbid he remembers him. All his memories conjure is this seawall and her face, her rose hair, and her emerald eyes. Sasuke doesn’t know what to reply.

She sighs. “You know what I’m trying to say. We’ve always been two halves of each other.”

He doesn’t want to reply. He wants to ask a hundred questions instead. What things remind her of him? Does any sea, dock, or fishing boat transport her to memories with him? Does she see his face in the middle of grocery aisles? Did she ever love him? Did she ever have regrets? Would they have ended up together if he followed her? Did he fight for her enough to want her to stay?

“Just a minute,” he says, but it’s almost a plea. “Just a minute more.”

And she holds on to his hand and intertwines her fingers with his against the rough surface of the seawall. She scoots closer and lays her head on his shoulder, a bit broader than what she might remember, and he hopes to gods that she is memorizing his scent just as he is memorizing the curve of her head on his neck and the feel of her now long rose strands against his cheeks.

“I love you.” Sasuke doesn’t expect a reply, and even if she does answer back, he knows all too well that they don’t have the same gravity as his.

“I love you,” she whispers in his ear.

Not a minute later she stands up, dispelling the spell that hovered between them, walking towards a place he cannot follow no matter how he wishes. And he sits on top of the seawall an hour longer, alone with the shore, the stars, and the silent dock.

He pulls out the velvet box from his pocket and stares at the ring that should have been on her finger. He closes it and flings it to the sea.

What is wrong with me that I made a fluff prompt angst? Anyway, please listen to 400 lux and Hard Feelings by Lorde for full effects. Thanks for reading!

[foxychaosstarlight]

Beauty and the Beast

Vampire!Silco x Fem!Original character - NSFW! | MDN

Warnings: relationship development, age gap, attempted rape, virginity loss, peeping, gentle sex, blow job, hand job, bloodplay, bites kink, daddy kink, loud sex, unprotected sex, sex with a pregnant woman, alcohol, smoking, death of animals.

Sub-chapters 1, 2

3.

Gina was sitting on the bed, hugging her knees with her thin arms and staring into space. The girl woke up very early from a sudden panic attack and now, when the first rays of the sun are about to paint the tops of green giant fir trees outside the window, trying to fall asleep again was a bad idea. Today she will have a meeting with her stepmother's new boyfriend. Gina knew by heart how this "most pleasant" acquaintance would go – in the morning, this b!tch will wake her up at the crack of dawn, put a rag and a mop in her hands and make her scrub the house like a last cabin boy, so that everything glitters when she returns from another expensive shopping this week. "How wonderful it must be to spend my father's money," - the girl thought sadly, furrowing her eyebrows angrily. Her father died many years ago when little Ginny was at school – the amount of alcohol consumed with his sick heart killed a seemingly healthy man, and her stepmother didn't interfere with his daily libations in any way. The girl painfully pushed away these memories – the thought that then she had lost the only person who loved her even a little bit, burned worse than hot iron. Her thoughts returned to the scenario of the upcoming unpleasant meeting: she knew that Rose would definitely yell at her when she returned and checked the whole house for cleanliness, and if she found at least one speck of dust (and she would, you can be sure, and even if she didn't, she would pretend), Gina will have to get into a scandal with her again, but this will not save her from repeated cleaning. The girl sighed and shivered when she thought of something much more unpleasant – a meeting with another lover of Rose. These oiled beauties (and Rose was greedy only for such) stared at Gina all evening like hyenas at a piece of fresh meat, tried to touch her knees under the table, while the stepmother, decorated in the style of Pennywise, chirped something that they clearly cared much less than the hips of a young girl.

Comparing her stepmother to Pennywise the clown, the girl smiled. Rose really was a hellish creature with the appearance of an angel, banished from Heaven, but before that she flew through all the heavenly weather troubles that were possible. In her early 40s, she looked quite worn out by life (numerous lovers who abandoned her with amazing speed – as soon as they got her money – didn’t add to her beauty), but still attractive, it couldn’t be denied: a tall slender cold blonde with brown, almost black big eyes and plump lips definitely attracted attention. How she also attracted the attention of Gina's father, whom Rose met at another conference.

The girl thoughtfully passed through her fingers a strand of her fiery red long hair. "The same color as dad's..." - Gina thought sadly, but she wasn’t destined to indulge in painfully happy memories of her father - a hurricane named Rose flew into her small room without even knocking.

"It's not even dawn yet, and she's already here, she's breaking records!" - the girl was mentally indignant, but aloud with feigned mirth she only said: - Oh, hello to the sleepless! Are you already carrying a mop?

- No, honey. You'll take it yourself. - the blonde hissed angrily.

- Pfft, stop playing the viper. Maybe you should have knocked first? – Gina, still sitting on the bed, looked straight at her stepmother, who was swollen with indignation.

- I'm in my house and I have the right to do what I want! I didn't ask a little b!tch! - Rose spat. - Well, who knows, maybe I'm here just having fun with your previous... what was his name? Henry? And then you burst in. - having said that, Gina watched with obvious pleasure as the blonde rolled her eyes, ready to scream so that her ultrasound would be heard in the neighboring city.

The girl didn’t wait for the slap, which was obviously promised by the outraged Rose's upraised hand, jumped out of bed and darted past the evil fury through the doorway, slipped into the bathroom and locked herself there, leaning her back against the cool door and exhaling.

Cheeks, chest and back were burning as if Gina was burning from the inside. Another quarrel in the early morning will not add calmness. Of course, Gina wasn’t going to have sex with any of Rose's vile fans, but it was masochistically pleasant to annoy her stepmother, who was already burning with anger and envy, although the girl knew that with this statement she hadn’t added points to herself in her eyes and now she would have to scrub the house almost all day. 

Gina slipped out of a white short nightshirt, revealing the light peach skin of narrow girlish hips, a thin waist and elastic small breasts. Long wavy reddish-copper hair fell on her hips, enveloping her back with a pleasant warmth, warming in the coolness of the dark bathroom. Gina didn't turn on the light, not wanting to give away her location to the enraged stepmother, who was now rushing around the house in search of the daring stepdaughter, clearly wanting to lower a punishing hand on her cheek. And now she, stomping loudly, ran past the door, shouting "Where is this nasty little snake?!". Gina knew that she would soon calm down by going down to the first floor, counting a crisp (dad's...) bills and preoccupying her thoughts with the upcoming shopping trip. The girl didn't want to stay naked in the cool bathroom for a long time, so she threw her long leg over the high side of the ivory bath, stood in it, trying not to slip in the dark, carefully turned on the shower and with pleasure substituted her body with warm water jets. There was nothing more to fear, Gina had clearly heard that the fury had gone downstairs and was probably salivating there, counting dad's money. What a pity my father didn't take care of the will…Now both his money and his house belong entirely to his wife, who, even on the day of the funeral, was barely persuaded to wear black and she didn’t look upset at all, collecting a disapproving glances of neighbors and elderly distant relatives. Gina clearly remembered that day…She, the little tearful girl with red pigtails, stood at her father's grave and realized – that's all, there is no longer a single close person, only his body is here, not his soul. She won't hear his cheeky laughter anymore, he won't throw her up to the ceiling with his strong arms, laughing with her…

Gina didn’t notice of tears poured down her cheeks, she was so deeply immersed in memories that she realized that she was crying only when her eyes stung. Exposing her face to a relaxing jets of water, she washed away her tears, took a deep breath and turned off the shower. She had to pull herself together. Now is not the time to indulge in bitter memories, there is still a whole life ahead, and Gina hoped that it wouldn’t be as shitty as it is now.

The girl turned 18 two days ago (Rose, of course, ignored Gina's birthday, however, did she remember it at all? Gina was more than sure that she didn't), she had recently graduated from school with exceptionally good grades, which Rose also didn't care about. But the question about a university remained open. The evil blonde never had money for Gina, so it was useless for her to even stutter about paid training. From the age of 14, the girl worked part-time wherever she had to, she wasn’t afraid of work and wasn’t a sissy. But a money was obviously small. And now... for university, she will need a lot more than Gina has earned in her still short life. Well, she would think about it later, but for now…It's time to finish with the shower and start cleaning, the girl thought fatally. Anyway, this vixen will not let her live in peace if the house is not licked to shine before the arrival of her new precious boy.

[skyfire85]

FLIGHTLINE: 115 - EC-121 WARNING STAR

PO-1W (WV-1 after 1952) #2 at Barbers Point NAS in Hawaii in 1952. The WV-1 was the forerunner of the EC-121 Warning Star. | Photo: US Navy

In 1949, the US Navy began investigating the use of a suitably modified C-69 (the USAF designation of the Lockheed Constellation passenger/transport) as a patrol and airborne early warning craft. Two L-749 (the longer ranged variant of the L-649) were acquired and modified with a large dorsal radome and a smaller ventral unit. Due to the aerodynamic effects of these radar, the vertical stabilizers were enlarged. These two aircraft, designated PO-1Ws, proved that the concept worked, and were retained by the Navy for use in training crews for the production model PO-2W, which was based on the L-1049 Super Constellation. The PO-1W, redesignated WV-1s after 1952, were eventually transferred to the FAA in the late 1950s. The PO-2W (redesignated the WV-2) were initially built with the same dorsal AN/APS-45 height finder and ventral AN/APS-20 search radar as the WV-1, but they were eventually upgraded to AN/APS-103 and AN/APS-95 units respectively. The crew of a WV-2 normally numbered 18: 6 officers (2 pilots, 2 navigators, 2 weapons controllers) and 12 enlisted (2 flight engineers, 1 radio operator, 2 crew chiefs, 5 radar operators, 2 radar technicians), but could be increased as high as 31, depending on the mission.

Orthograph of a PO-2W/WV-2/EC-121. | Illustration: Lockheed Aircraft

I CAN SEE FOR MILES AND MILES...

Beginning in 1954 and running until 1965, US Navy Warning Stars participated in the "barrier" force, an extension of the Distant Early Warning (DEW) line of radar posts. Five picket stations off each coast were manned by radar equipped destroyer escorts, while WV-2s patrolled at altitudes ranging from one thousand to four thousand feet on missions lasting from 6 to 20 hours at a time, watching for a sneak attack from Soviet bombers or missiles. Aircraft on the Atlantic Barrier (BARLANT) flew from NAS Argentia in Newfoundland to the Azores and back, though beginning in 1961 the course was shifted to cover the Greenland-Iceland-UK gap. The Pacific Barrier (BARPAC) aircraft flew from NAS Agana on Guam, NAS Barbers Point on Hawaii and NAS Midway. Additional aircraft flew from NAS Rota in Spain and NAS Atsugi, Japan. Nine of the WV-2s were converted to WV-3 weather reconnaissance aircraft (the famed "Hurricane Hunters"), based at NAS Jacksonville in the Atlantic and NAS Agana in the Pacific. Thirteen other aircraft were converted to WV-2Q electronic intelligence (ELINT) aircraft. In 1962, with the tri-service consolidation of designations, the WV-2 were now EC-121Ks, while the WV-2Q became EC-121M and the WV-3 were now WC-121N. Four aircraft were modified under Project BLUE EAGLE in to NC-121 during the Vietnam War to act as airborne transmitters for American and Vietnamese TV and radio programs. Navy WV-2/EC-121s were commonly called Willy Victors, regardless of variant.

A WV-2 of Early Warning Squadron 15 (VW-15) flies over USS Sellstrom (DER-255) off the coast of Newfoundland in March 1957. The next year, the aircraft disappeared north of the Azores, with all crew presumed dead. | Photo: US Navy

An EC-121K Warning Star from electronic warfare squadron VAQ-33 "Firebirds" with an EA-4F Skyhawk and an F-4B Phantom II off the coast of Virginia in April 1973. This was the last EC-121 in service, being retired in June of 1982. | Photo: US Navy

A WC-121N assigned to VW-4 "Hurricane Hunters" at Naval Air Station Jacksonville, Florida (USA), August 1967. The plane was scrapped on 16 September 1976. Photo: US Navy

BIG EYE, COLLEGE EYE, RIVET TOP, KINGPIN, GOLD DIGGER, DISCO, BATCAT...

The USAF operated various marks of the EC-121 from 1954 through 1978, and the aircraft was used extensively during the Vietnam War. Like their Navy cousins, the USAF Warning Stars mainly flew early warning missions to compliment the Navy patrols, generally confined to orbiting 300 miles offshore. Declared operational on 21 December 1954, the 551st Airborne Early Warning & Control Wing at Otis AFB in Massachusetts started with EC-121Cs, and was subsequently upgraded through EC-121D and -H models. On 1 July 1955 the counterpart 552nd AEWCW became operational, based at McClellan AFB in California, with administrative control over the 966th AEWCS in Florida, which was tasked with monitoring activity over Cuba, including tracking of U-2 missions under the code name 'Gold Digger'.

View of the radar operators in an U.S. Air Force Lockheed EC-121D Warning Star aircraft of the 552nd Airborne Early Warning & Control Wing. | Photo: USAF

In order to bolster the US Navy's 'Crown' radar ships monitoring for North Vietnamese aircraft, four EC-121Ds were deployed to a forward operating base at Tan Son Nhut Air Base under the code name 'Big Eye'. Two aircraft were airborne at any given time, flying orbits approximately 30 miles offshore, which provided coverage of the main N. Vietnamese MiG base at Phúc Yên and the South Vietnamese capital of Hanoi. An F-104 provided MiGCAP to defend the Big Eye aircraft against interloping fighters. Flying these missions was decidedly uncomfortable, as the radar and other electronics produced copious amounts of heat, which, coupled with the heat and humidity of Vietnam, overwhelmed the aircon systems of the EC-121s. There was also the ever-present threat of being shot down, despite the MigCAP aircraft. Despite these challenges, the Big Eye scored on 10 July 1965, vectoring a pair of USAF F-4C onto a flight of North Vietnamese MiG-17s, resulting in two of the enemy aircraft being shot down. In February of 1967, the Big Eye forward base came under threat of Viet Cong attack, and the -121s were moved to Thailand.

Two F-104A Starfighters in formation with an EC-121D. Photo: USAF

EC-121 operations in Thailand were renamed to 'College Eye', and after temporarily flying from Ubon RTAFB were permanently moved to Korat RTAFB in October 1967. College Eye aircraft acted as directors for MiGCAP flights over the Gulf of Tonkin, as well as enforcing a "no-fly zone" over the North Vietnam-China border after a USAF F-105 strayed into China while chasing down a NVAF MiG. In 1967 an EC-121 was modified under the name 'Quick Look' with the QRC-248 Identification Friend or Foe (IFF) transponder interrogator, which allowed US aircraft to identify Soviet MiG radar transponders, vastly improving the detection range and ability to discriminate aircraft from ground-clutter.

In August 1967 another EC-121 variant began operating out of Thailand. Known as 'Rivet Top', it was a former USN EC-121K modified with the QRC-248, as well as interrogators capable of pinging two other Soviet IFF transponders. The aircraft, designated the EC-121M, was also fitted with stations capable of monitoring voice comms between NVAF MiGs and their ground controllers. These stations, manned by intel specialists fluent in Vietnamese, were known as 'Rivet Gym', and were eventually all College Eye aircraft were refitted with the equipment. The Rivet Top aircraft remained in Thailand throughout the war, flying missions over the Gulf of Tonkin. Due to spotty communications, an inability to correlate the voice comms with radar plots of specific MiGs, and secrecy rules surrounding the existence of Rivet Top and its IFF interrogators, the effectiveness of the EC-121M and the Rivet Gym installations on College Eye aircraft afterwards was questionable.

The EC-121M 'Rivet Top' at Korat RTAFB in 1967 or '68. | Photo: USAF

In October of 1970, two newly converted EC-121T, the last USAF variant, were flown to Korat to take part in the Operation KINGPIN phase of Operation IVORY COAST, a raid on the North Vietnamese POW camp at Son Tay Prison. The Kingpin EC-121s were to provide early warning of interloping MiGs and direction of USAF F-4s providing MiGCAP. The two aircraft call signs Frog-01 and -02, took off on 20 November 1970 and began heading towards their orbit points. Frog-01 suffered a ruptured oil line in flight, forcing it to divert to Danang for an emergency landing. Frog-02, now the primary Kingpin aircraft, continued on to its orbit, but once on station was beset with issues in its new equipment. Ground stations in Danang were unable to receive data from the plane, and its IFF processors, despite attempts to reset, would not display properly. The radar monitors were swamped with noise from Navy EKA-3 Skywarriors, who were jamming NVAF radar. Nevertheless, 02 remained on station to provide what data the crew could glean with the Rivet Top/Gym equipment. In any event, Ivory Coast was a failure, as the POW had been moved out prior to the raid.

An EC-121T, similar to Frog-01 and -02, at Korat RTAFB, circa 1971. Note the lack of the dorsal height-finder radome, a distinguishing characteristic of the type. | Photo: Jim Chandler

In October 1971 a number of EC-121T aircraft returned to Thailand under the callsign 'Disco' to provide support to USAF B-52s, who found themselves under threat from North Vietnamese SAMs and MiGs in the wake of Rolling Thunder. The Disco EC-121s took up orbits over Laos and the Gulf, though ongoing communications issues and the dated nature of their radar sets limited their effectiveness. All-in-all, Big Eye, College Eye and Disco aircraft flew nearly 14,000 missions by the time they were withdrawn in 1974, assisting in the downing of 25 MiGs and the rescue of 80 US and allied pilots. The EC-121s in the Southeast Asia theatre completed more than ninety-eight thousand accident-free flight hours, with zero losses.

Approximately four dozen ex-USN WV-2 and WV-3 Warning Stars were modified as part of Operation IGLOO WHITE, the deployment and monitoring of remote acoustic and seismic sensors along the Ho Chi Minh Trail through Vietnam and Laos. The Warning Stars were modified to collect and relay data from the sensors to Nakhon Phanom where the data would be collated and compiled for use in localizing and monitoring PAVN movements. The aircraft, designated EC-121Rs and nicknamed Batcats, were painted in the tricolor SEA camouflage, unlike the USN and other USAF Warning Stars. Concerns over the vulnerability of the Batcats led to their replacement in 1969 and '70 by QU-22Bs (unmanned modified Beech Bonanzas), though issues with those planes led to specially modified C-130Bs being introduced in 1971.

An EC-121R Batcat from the 553rd Reconnaissance Wing over Vietnam in 1969. | Photo: USAF

The EC-121 remained in USN and USAF service after Vietnam, being retired in 1978 by the USAF and 1982 by the Navy. The various Warning Stars were replaced by faster, more modern aircraft like the E-3 Sentry and models of the C-135 in the USAF, and by the E-2, S-3 and EA-6 in Navy service. A number of USAF Warning Stars are on display around the country, including EC-121T s/n 53-0555 at the USAF Museum in Dayton. Nicknamed "Triple Nickle" for its serial number, 555 recorded the first successful attack directed by an AEW aircraft on 24 October 1967.

[cno-inbminor]

ipsum exitio (pt. 1)

a/n: for reasons explained here, this fic will be released in 2 parts! i want to thank everyone again who’s expressed an interest in this, and i hope that it lives up to some expectation. this fic is really big on introspection and includes a lot of arguably necessary exposition.

but more importantly, i want to thank @/a-kaashi (raenah) for being a huge support and my beta for this piece. she’s put in so much effort and thoughts into helping me make this into what it is now, and i can’t thank her enough.

plot: self-destruction is in the calm before the storm, in the eye of a hurricane. but when the forces are right, the winds are rapid enough, the catalysts send you hurling, you find yourself leaving a monstrous and disastrous path in your wake.

characters: ushijima wakatoshi, semi eita, iwaizumi hajime (in pt. 2), and male oc, w/fem!reader possessing vagina/uterus/uterine-system (other oc’s also included)

wc: 16.5k

genre/warnings: (+18) slice of life, angst, descriptions and moments of high anxiety, explicit smut (in pt. 2) (w/slight degradation, size kink, spanking, etc.) & virginity loss, alcohol consumption, talks about virginity and sex toys, slow burn, pining, implied bisexual reader

pt. 2

A breeze flows in through the open window of your apartment, softly caressing your face as you lean against the sill on your elbows. You drink in the view of Tokyo at night like a fine wine sliding down your throat, attuning to all your senses. With tear ducts dry and dust caked along the rims of your eyes, they shut in defeat, the semblance of a white flag splayed on the back of your eyelids. Cars honk in the distance and your legs struggle to support your weight. The scent of sulfur from the earlier downpour teases at your nostrils, causing your nose to scrunch a bit as you openly take in the scenery before you again.

A nearby billboard flashes bright, mechanically cycling through advertisements and never resting. The LED lights paint a picture that you are all too acquainted with, even more so with the man in the frame. Your body is plunged into a lake of bitter nostalgia as your heart wrenches painfully. Instead of fighting against the resistance of the water and gravity, you succumb to the anchor dragging you down, knowing that eventually, the waves will recede, and you will return to shore again.

Inhale. Count. Exhale.

Breathe.

--

11 years ago

Shiratorizawa is and always has been a battle ground. It was a miracle that you even made it there, quite honestly. The pressure and the overwhelming suffocation of competition filled your lungs and lodged in your airway the day you moved into the dorms and attended orientation. Everyone seemed so tense, so on edge, clutching their folders and packets like lifelines while absorbing all information possible. A stray few seemed more at ease and relaxed, but to you at the time, that immediately sounded the alarms – to seemingly thrive in this environment from the very beginning could only be the marks of a dangerous but powerful person.

What became a source of comfort was the realization that everyone else felt equally as anxious as you, terrified of the hidden lions camouflaged in the masses. And each year, students crippled under the stress and high expectations – if you had to make an estimate, at least 83% of the student body would experience a breakdown during the time of final exams. But in the midst of all this academic madness, this debilitating drive to do more and reach beyond the sky, everyone found refuge in the school’s sports teams. Be it basketball, swimming, diving, volleyball, tennis – chances were someone in the top 5 of their respective sport within the prefecture would be at Shiratorizawa, and nothing proved more freeing than screaming your lungs out for the prides of your school.

Interestingly enough, you had found that liberation in the volleyball team, being able to turn off your brain with a switch and focus on something that had nothing to do with the filled pages of incomplete to-do lists in your agenda. Air batons in hand, water bottle by your side for the inevitable dry throat, you hollered and chanted with everyone else in the stands and watched the opponents surrender at the feet of none other than Ushijima Wakatoshi.

A force to be reckoned with, a skill that was so beautifully and adeptly honed, you understood very early on the massive admiration for the boy. Even only at 16, Wakatoshi had the physique of a grown man, the severity of his complexion intimidating everyone within 100 meters of him. The terrifying force of his spike and devilish spin resulting from being dominant in his left hand left the crowds in awe. It was evident that the coach used this to the team’s advantage, and suddenly, you felt the burning desire to be on the floor. You wanted to sit on the bench, to see his movement from the side and within an envious proximity – no worry for stray balls, only the chance to witness something so athletically beautiful and magnificent.

And even though you were crushed under a mountain of assignments and projects, as well as a whole slew of mini-projects you had given yourself to make your life harder, you were determined to add this on your list. The lack of self-control in pursuing your desires was going to kill you in the future, but this was not the day. So you dove in towards the trenches, filled out an application, gave all the reasons why having you as a manager would be more help than harm, and suddenly, you were standing on the side of the court next to coolers of water bottles.

You didn’t bother hiding your adoration for Wakatoshi, always having had a bit of a soft heart for the strong, silent type. He was a boy of few words, and each one seemed carefully chosen yet also charmingly candid. Most, except for his teammates, were relatively terrified to talk to him, but he was always polite and thanked you for your hard work. Perhaps it was your constant vulnerable state induced by stress that made you more likely to develop your first real crush on someone, to search for a refuge of sorts. Wakatoshi always seemed to have his life together, and it became painfully obvious to the others that you had developed affections for the school ace. Satori teased you endlessly, going as far as scheduling a poor attempt at an intervention to get a confession out of you. Whether it had been out of pity or a relentless amount of pressure from peers (read: Satori, again), Wakatoshi, by the grace of something powerful, accepted your feelings. Nevertheless, he was very clear in pointing out that this wouldn’t be like any other relationship.

“When not in class, I am most likely at volleyball practice. I do not subject myself to public displays of affection.”

“I understand.”

“I will also likely not have time for dates. I am sure you are aware of this with our heavy course load.”

“Of course.”

“But I will try my best to reciprocate some of your feelings. I have no experience in this, as you might know, but all I ask is for your support.”

“That’s without question.”

“Very well then. Are you sure you want to continue with this?” He inquired, his eyes boring straight into yours to search for the answer.

Little did you know that your affirmation had signed a warrant for your soul, a revelation that would only unearth just thirteen months later.

-

Being in a relationship with Wakatoshi was easy. There was no need for all the overthinking of whether your actions would annoy him or not; or drive him away from you. If he had qualms about how you were acting, he wouldn’t bother with beating around the bush and instead tell you very directly, though gently as well. In the beginning, it was much easier to be quiet around him than to speak; the theme of your relationship would simply be ‘comfortable silence’.

He eventually became more relaxed around you with time, sometimes even voicing his worries and slight frustrations after practice while helping you clean up. Wakatoshi greatly appreciated how you were always ready to listen to him, despite the tremble in your muscles and dark eye bags from fatigue. You even joined him on his morning runs sometimes despite the fact you could only survive a small leg of it, turning back towards the campus when not even a fifth of his distance in. With advice from Satori, he had asked for more details about your day and your life in general, his brain filling in the gaps of the mental picture he had of you.

What once was a mere outline, roughly penciled-in of nothing more than your physique, the more he learned, the more colors he painted in. To him, you were shades of navy and gray with dashes of gold, emerald, midnight black, magenta, and rouge. The final picture was nothing close to artistic, but it lent to his understanding of your overall personality: unwillingly scattered, pained, anxious, yet determined and compassionate to a fault.

Procrastination was your best friend, you had told him one evening on a newly established weekly stroll, especially when it came to large assignments. You weren’t an organized planner – instead, you would let ideas stew and boil in your head, only mental images of the process and final result there until you couldn’t wait any longer to pen it down. Then you would pull nights of just three to five hours of sleep, running on caffeine and pure drive. What was even more frustrating was that you would find trouble for yourself, avoiding assignments by coming up with new unrelated projects that most definitely did not need to be on your priority list.

For example, if you had a presentation due in a week to discuss the 5 main themes of Great Expectations in front of your class, you’d first let all scenarios of it play out in your head. Then when it became too much, you’d go off and do something for the volleyball club that wasn’t on top of the agenda or complete a question set for the Math Olympiads club you were in as well. Considering those were more positive, productive digressions, other times you would pick up another book to read and feel the need to finish, download a new game on your phone, or scour the internet for cooking videos on the best ways to make hayashi rice.

What amazed (and somewhat alarmed) Wakatoshi was that you would pull it all together in the end. Not only were you balancing academics and extracurriculars, you were bearing the weight of your friends’ worries and stress on your shoulders with the biggest smile you could muster, casting aside most of your well-being to make room for theirs, as well as this relationship with him. Projects were still completed, assignments still mostly unflawed turned in, management of their team still in top shape, and being almost a perfect partner suited for his taste. All were held in stride, even if it was obvious to him that after major assignments were completed, you were either smiling less, saying fewer words, or stuck in your head more often. And he knew, as you had expressed one time out of exhaustion and beaten defenses, you were worried that you still weren’t good enough.

So the cycle continued. In waves and a whirlpool, Wakatoshi watched you unravel and tighten, unravel and tighten, unravel and tighten, desperate to prove that you had a place in this academy just as much as anyone else. Time and time again, you had voiced your worries and doubt, and every time, he assured you that yes, you were worthy of your place here. You knew the boy never lied to comfort others, and he knew that you knew this. He began to grow displeased with your mental reservations, finally determining one March evening of your second year that he could no longer continue this relationship with you.

Satori, of course, had protested vehemently. (“You can’t just break up with her like that, it’s cruel!”). Wakatoshi failed to understand the social implications, ignoring the advice from his friend as he prepared for the routine, weekly stroll with you. When he slipped his sneakers on, his muscles remembered to grab his spare jacket as you were prone to feel chilly on these nights. It wasn’t until the end of the stroll when your nose was slightly tinged red at the tip and your figure engulfed in his jacket, did he hesitate at the intersection between the boys’ and girls’ dorms, and Wakatoshi being the blunt human he is, voiced his thoughts.

“I think it would be good to end this relationship,” he stated with no warning, yet felt a twinge of guilt when your face fell and froze into a subtle state of shock. He let you process his words, patiently waiting for your response.

Inhale. Exhale. Deep breaths. But not too deep. Don’t freak him out. How do you stop freaking yourself out? Oxygen. Lungs.

Inhale. Exhale.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, training your eyes to look straight into his right shoulder, tracing the logo of the ICS foot. Hell knows you’re not tall enough to see past it. “Have I been asking for too much of your time?”

“No.”

“…Have I been too clingy?”

“No.”

“Then…what’s the reason?” You shakily asked, tears of confusion beginning to prick at the corners of your eyes.

“…you’ve spread yourself too thin.”

This time, it was only appropriate to look at him straight on. As always, there was no hesitation evident in them, his direct truth bleeding through his retinas. It must have been words that he had decided on long ago to describe your mental state.

“Please elaborate,” you softly demanded, subconsciously hugging your arms at the biceps.

“You’re doing too much. You think you can do it all, but you’re simply unable to. It’s okay, but I think this relationship is one more thing on your plate that you don’t need.”

But you heard it. You branded the image of his words in your brain and read between the lines, running on overdrive as the darkness rapidly ate at you. It was easy for the demons to sneak in with dubious tones, repeating the phrase that you had been fighting so hard to keep buried inside—

You’re not good enough.

Perhaps you had become a burden to Wakatoshi. You had turned into the thorn in his side, something he no longer wanted to tolerate and keep in his life. Perhaps it was expected, you bitterly thought while shrugging off his jacket. The bite of the cold night teethed and gnawed at your skin, but the pain was almost welcomed now. He took the fabric without a word, only feeling slightly guilty at the sight of stray tears gradually streaking down your cheeks.

“Okay,” you sniffled, arms wrapped around yourself again for some vague sense of protection. “That’s fine, I get it. You have Nationals and the Youth team as well – it’s mainly best for you to end this.”

“(Y/n) –”

“It’s really okay, Wakatoshi. I appreciate you being straightforward with me. I’ll see you at practice,” you quickly interjected and turned to trek back towards the dorm, sending a quick but lifeless wave behind you. The shards of whatever was left of your soul trailed behind you like scattered stars on the concrete. Even when your roommate and friend brought your disheveled figure into her arms, they did little to ward off the parasitic spectres in your mind.

You spent most of that night tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep despite the exhaustion weighing down on your eyelids. Your thoughts refused to cease for just one second in its brutal beatdown on your heart, having played back every moment you possibly messed up on from the day Wakatoshi accepted your feelings to the time of separation. The questions began to plague the blood in your veins, your heart thrashing erratically and causing a cold sweat to break over your skin. Gentle, warning waves of nausea churned through your stomach as the anxiety effectuated into its more menacing, ghastly manifestation. You felt your breaths quicken out of panic and screwed your eyes shut – what did you do cope before? What could ground you behind the rails before you fell over the edge and into the folds of a dark ocean?

Deep breaths. Count. Breathe. Exhale. Start from 100.

Inhale.

Count.

Exhale.

Repeat.

You fell asleep before you hit 20.

-

You stayed on as the manager despite every ounce of your heart demanding you to quit and run, pettily attempting to prove Ushijima wrong. Satori directed empathetic glances your way multiple times for a few days, but you never wavered. There was no time to feel sorry for yourself or accept pity from others, especially as Nationals was right around the corner. Getting away from campus excited you and as much as the trip was about volleyball, the boys looked forward to spending a few days in the capital.

But the championship fell short, and soon, the third year began.

Your roommate was understandably concerned. On top of more rigorous classes and upcoming college entrance exams, you balanced your manager position, math club, an online job tutoring English, and yearbook duties. It was an absolute miracle that you found enough hours in the day to be on top of everything, and you were proud. This not only meant that you didn’t just peak in middle school, but it also meant that you could do all these things and still turn out great. At the end of the day, a sense of pride overwhelmed you more than anything – this had to be your way of defeating your anxieties: occupy yourself until there was no time to think about them.

The months rolled by. Your cycle continued. Shiratorizawa fell to their knees in front of Karasuno. You got into The University of Tokyo. Graduation proceeded without a hitch.

To your naïve, broken soul, the stars seemed to have aligned and the puzzle pieces were fitting. But to those around you, they could only watch as you fell deeper into the massive hole you dug on your own, dirt smudged on your cheeks and hands blistered from the wooden handle of the shovel. You were going to snap again one day, and it would be more painful than the first.

University soon gave you an adequate understanding of what exactly your personality had unfortunately become: self-destructive. At the time, you had only thought it appropriate to disregard your own health for those you loved (and there were quite a few of them) while balancing academics. That fault was one you had long come to terms with: that you gave away too much of yourself. Someone needed to rant at 1AM? Your phone ringer was always on at full volume (unless you were, of course, in class). Someone needed a ride to the airport? You were there, jokingly asking them to bring you back a snack from their travels as thanks. Someone needed to crash at your place for a day or two to get away from a shitty ex? Extra blankets and sheets, as well as an air mattress from home, were all prepared in the cupboard at your apartment.

As demanding as Shiratorizawa was, Todai stressed you out on another level, especially with your business major and computer science minor. On several occasions, Ushijima’s words had rung loud and clear, echoing in the chambers of your mind. “You’ve spread yourself too thin,” his baritone voice plagued you at the most inopportune times of the day (read: when you were attempting to balance, again, too many things).

And as much as you enjoyed the companionships of your friends, both old and new, you began to achingly yearn for a more intimate relationship that would allow you to collapse into comforting arms, especially on days that endlessly dragged you on your feet. The fact that it was only freshman year made your head spin, but nothing could truly deter you from your deepest desires.

You should have realized that this would only result in isolation with nothing but wooden walls, a balcony, and a shattered heart to keep you company.

-

7 years ago

“I agree,” Sayuri, a senior and close friend from the art department, affirmed when you expressed this romantic aspiration to her over ramen at a nearby izakaya one September night of your sophomore year. “Everyone’s so obsessed with their careers these days, you included,” she jabbed and pointed stained bamboo chopsticks at you, causing your shoulders to flinch and hunch back in some shame. “Buy some alcohol, give yourself some free nights. The only times I see you doing something not related to school is when I drag you out on weekend shoots with me.”

Sayuri was an expressive girl who took the world in stride and captured the streets of Tokyo with her camera like no other. The two of you had met in an interest organization meeting, instantly bonding over similar pastimes and your two personalities just clicked. She somehow embodied everything you weren’t, and you deeply loved her. More often than not, Sayuri was the one to keep you from completely losing yourself, absolutely refusing to let you become a mindless soul stuck in a business suit and wedged between the crowds in a subway, needlessly calculating away to gain more greed and wealth. “You’re too good for that,” she once told you when you had unexpectedly showed up at her door, drenched from the rain and your own tears caused by a string of unfortunate events.

(“You’re at your best when you’re a little more free, a little more relaxed, you know?”)

“But your weekend shoots are fun!”

“Which is exactly why you should do more other fun stuff!” Sayuri exclaimed before she took a sip from her bottle of ramune. “You know what? Tonight. We’re gonna download Tinder and tapple. You’re a hot commodity, and there’s gotta be some decent guy who’s down for a few casual dates. Hell, you might even have a better chance at finding another girl who can treat you right.”

“You’re not wrong,” you sighed. “Some men can be such pigs sometimes.”

“A-fucking-men.”

Sayuri rarely ever went back on her word, and much to your chagrin, you found yourself curled up next to her on her cream faux-leather couch. Her arm slung over your shoulders as she helped you pick out your best photos, including a shot she had taken of you when she begged you to be her subject on one of her shoots. “My professor needs me to practice portrait shots, please please please help me out here?” She had implored a couple weeks ago, and because you could never say no, you had grumbled your agreement before putting on a nicer outfit and some light makeup. You weren’t going to lie – those were some of the best pictures of you by far, and made you look much more attractive than you ever thought or felt.

A bio was set, photos strategically ordered, and you were tossed into the world of online dating.

“This is a really bad idea,” you groaned ten minutes later as Sayuri swiped through the profiles showing up in your pool. “I haven’t even slept with anyone before.”

“Oh honey, I bet half of these men only ever got their dick wet once and came in two minutes flat. They think they’re impressing someone but they’re only fooling themselves,” Sayuri scoffed and then grimaced at a man’s daringly shirtless mirror selfie. “This poor guy needs to eat more; I can see his ribcage! You don’t need someone who doesn’t appreciate food.”

“What if he’s got an eating disorder?” You seriously speculated, heart going out to the possibility of that.

“Well now you make me feel bad after swiping left on him and – oh hey! You got a match!”

“What? Who the hell did you swipe right on?!” You screeched; chin craned to get a good look at the person on your phone.

“Calm down, you don’t need to worry! I have impeccable taste in men! Hey, don’t give me that look,” she cried out when she saw the questioning raise of one of your eyebrows. “Look, he was cute, had a safe bio, and he goes to Tokyo Tech! So he’s a smartypants like you! Guy must’ve been swiping around too for there to be a match this early.”

“So he’s just desperate and I got swiped right on for passing his minimum standards? Am I supposed to feel like I should be given an award?” You scowled.

“Just wait for him to message first. Keep it light and breezy, we’ll see if he’s suspicious later,” Sayuri waved off, continuing with her search for your perfect, laid-back date.

“But seriously, I’m worried some guy is gonna start expecting sex from me,” you huffed, leaning back to lay your head on her shoulder. Instinctively, she rested her own on top of yours.

“You’re really worried, huh?”

“Makes me a little anxious, yeah,” you admitted, fingers fiddling with a stray thread on the sleeve of your old Shiratorizawa jacket.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well...I’m not waiting until marriage or anything. I’m not putting my virginity on a pedestal or anything, I just kinda want to get it over with, you know? I know your first time probably isn’t all flowers and rainbows, but I figured that I’d at least want to lose it to someone I trust.”

“So you’ve thought about this quite a bit then?”

“Have for a while, if I’m honest.”

“Name them.”

“But—”

“Names, (y/n). I gotta make sure they’re good enough for you.”

“They’re decent, I promise. I mean, I just know they’d never hurt me or throw me to the curb after it happens.”

“You do realize that’s the bare minimum, right?”

“Do you want names or not?”

“Okay okay, go.”

You exhaled as blood rushed to your cheeks. To say their names out loud made it much more embarrassing, especially since there was a high chance they never thought about you sexually before.

“Semi Eita, Daichi Sawamura, and…Ushijima Wakatoshi,” you mumbled the last name, knowing Sayuri’s less-than-positive feelings for the guy. She knew the entire history of your relationship with him, not that it involved a whole ton, but she was just overly protective of you.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi?? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Did you not hear the other two?” You squealed, swatting her with a sleeve that you had retracted your arm into.

“Okay, fine, but tell me about them.”

“Promise not to laugh?”

“Can’t.”

“Ugh, okay look. Eita is...he’s a nice guy. He seems a little rough around the edges, but he was always soft with me. Never gave me a hard time until he got replaced with another starting setter our third year, but he knew it was for the better of the team, as much as he didn’t like it. And even though his competitive streak got the best of him sometimes, he just...I don’t know. He’s dependable in his own way, stuck with me after the break-up and would check in on me from time to time. We still keep in touch a little.”

“Find me a picture of him, then tell me about the other guy.”

“Sure,” you agreed, tapping and swiping through your phone, mainly scrolling through years and years of photos you had kept. “Daichi-san is...well, he’s like if Wakatoshi was more emotionally available.”

“(Y/n), anyone is more emotionally available than Ushijima.”

“He softened up towards the end of our third year, okay? Cut him some slack, please. Anyways,” you cut Sayuri off. “I met Daichi-san our third year briefly during the Spring Qualifiers for Nationals. Extremely nice guy, mature, seemed pretty dependable being the captain of a team with some rowdy underclassmen at the time,” you lightly laughed at the memories.

“You’re really into the dependable type, aren’t you? Reliable? Takes care of you? Can relieve your stress at the end of a long day? Do you have a da—” Sayuri insinuated suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows until you finally interrupted her.

“Hey, there’s no kink-shaming in this friendship!”

“I’m just teasing, babe. Go on about Mr. Dependable” she giggled, causing you to roll your eyes as you continued.

“I saw him a bit more when I picked up a part-time job at a local convenience store for a couple months, only because I quit my online tutoring job. It was just before graduation, but he visited a few times. Seemed like it was closer to his house than the one he usually stopped at by his school. It was never busy, and he’d stick around to chat.”

“Oh my god, he was into you!”

“What? No! Like I said, he’s honestly just really, really nice. Did you know he’d buy his teammates buns every once in a while?”

“Oh, for the love of God, you had a crush on him, too!”

“Fine, just a tiny one!” You quickly admitted while batting away Sayuri’s excitable swats on your thigh. “But I was worried he was just some rebound crush, and he was staying in Miyagi while I was preparing to move here, so it’s not like anything would’ve happened. He was funny, too, and always asked about my well-being even though he didn’t really know me. Honestly, he was too good for me,” you said quietly and seemingly deflated.

“Nobody’s ever too good for you,” Sayuri comforted and pulled you into her arms. “I don’t care how perfect they are. If anything, you’re too good for them.”

“You hype me up too much,” you smiled sadly, holding onto her intertwined limbs. “I just...he didn’t deserve to get pulled into my mess. And it’s not just him – nobody deserves to. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I couldn’t get my shit together.”

“...even if you get hurt yourself?” Sayuri murmured.

Your silent, solemn answer spoke volumes. Life had turned you into somewhat of a martyr, someone absolutely terrified of inconveniencing others, yet relentless in your support for the important individuals around you.

“One day,” Sayuri started gently. “You’re gonna find a guy who loves and cherishes you to no end. You’re gonna get a taste of the love that you give to others, and he’ll never let you go. He’ll stick with you through everything, and you’ll realize that you do deserve that kind of love. It’s inevitable, really only a matter of time. And maybe he’ll show up when you least expect it. Just don’t give up yet, okay?”

“...okay,” you mumbled, tightening your grip momentarily as a tacit gesture of gratitude. “Sayuri, if we’re 30, single, and same-sex marriage gets legalized in Japan, can we get married?”

“Sweetie, we don’t have to do it in Japan, might as well just move to the U.S. and get married there. So yeah, sounds like a plan,” Sayuri agreed, half-joking.

And she knew you meant it, too.

-

6.5 years ago

You (jokingly) blamed Sayuri completely for anything that happened on Tinder afterwards.

Many casual conversations turned fruitless, never getting to the level of comfort that you felt you wanted to meet someone face-to-face. The search became more of a pastime than anything, and it became the same old, boring procedure. Reintroducing yourself and your interests for what seemed like the twentieth time existed like an unwanted pill you had to swallow every day, a habit done with a sense of boredom and banality. Sayuri called you picky, and perhaps you were looking too much into it. But you were allowed to have standards, right?

About half a year after your first night with Tinder, you found a person that you felt somewhat okay with. Ito Tsugumi was a junior at the Tokyo Medical and Dental University living in the undergraduate campus. He seemed respectable, understanding, and never made fun of your own interests and likes. The guy completely understood that this was casual, but he still wanted to meet you at least once, take you out for coffee or something and see where it goes from there. And that was perfectly fine with you.

March weather meant it was still pretty chilly in Japan and living by the ocean didn’t exactly help. You were glad that this was just a coffee date, because not only did it mean you could indulge in a nice cup of hot chocolate, but you also didn’t have to worry too much about how nice you looked because all of that could be sacrificed in the name of warmth. If Tsugumi was going to judge you based on your outfit designed for comfort, he wouldn’t be worth your time anyways.

Anxiety coaxed you into arriving at the designated café ten minutes early, shakily paying with your card and almost dropping it en route to the cashier’s hands. You spotted an empty two-seater along the back wall, but not right by the glass window where the frost would most likely creep through. Positioned in a seat so you’d have a decent view of the entrance, you sent a frantic text to Sayuri for moral support because your nerves were absolutely frying at the moment, to which she sent you a Sailor Moon GIF of Usagi throttling Minako before a message that read, “you’re a cute piece of ass and he knows it. flaunt it babe!” Rouge flooded your cheeks out of the embarrassment that was now mixing with the butterflies in your stomach, and luckily you fought it down when the door rang open.

If you had to be honest, Tsugumi looked more handsome in person than in his pictures, and that screamed danger to you. He only had to look around the café once before spotting you and quickly made his way to your table with a smile. While part of you had registered it as a bit of a Cheshire grin, you immediately dismissed it as a product of your paranoia. This was just a meeting with something warm to drink, right? There was no rule stating that a relationship had to come out of this. If he ever gave off a warning sign, all you had to do was run and never speak to him again. Easy.

You stood from your seat, almost entirely putting your weight on the table when your legs momentarily refused to cooperate with you. The grin on his face held firm as you bowed to each other in greeting and you couldn’t help but have a small one of your own. Were you flattered that he arrived five minutes ahead of the original meeting time? Perhaps just a little, but maybe you were sweating the small details too much.

“Have you already ordered? I can get us something,” he offered. Just as you were about to let him know that you already bought a drink, one of the baristas showed up with a large mug of hot chocolate and set it down with a table napkin. You quickly bowed and thanked them before turning back to Tsugumi sheepishly, gesturing awkwardly towards the white porcelain cup.

“It’s really nice of you to offer though,” you tried to appease. “We’re all broke university students anyways, I wasn’t going to make you buy me a drink.”

“I would’ve been more than happy to,” he replied warmly, a sense of adoration in his eyes that seemed far too intimate for just a first meeting. Nevertheless, his gaze made you avert your own to trace the swirls in your drink. “I’ll be right back,” he continued before leaving to order. Good, this gave you a few necessary moments to gather your bearings.

You needed to calm the fuck down. This wasn’t your first rodeo, though Sayuri would vehemently disagree. “Weekly walks around your high school campus don’t count as dates, (y/n),” she quipped in the past, giving up when you, for the thousandth time, defended Wakatoshi and his actions. And you had been very attracted to him as well, so what was so nerve-wracking about this now? Your relationship with Wakatoshi had held far more implications if things ever ended badly, with the same social circles and everything. Ito Tsugumi was merely a dot outside of most of your realms and possessed very little power over the important things in your life. Your focus needed to be on something else for the time-being, like the smell of ground beans with sweet traces of freshly baked pastries, or the faint coffeehouse music playing through the speakers, or the pots of devil’s ivy hanging from the ceiling. Just anything besides wondering if you had stray hairs out of place, or if your makeup wasn’t blended correctly, if your nails looked asymmetrical—

You had put on your best “I’m doing great!” face once Tsugumi was returning to his seat opposite of you. At first, nothing was said and the both of you could only laugh at the awkward shift in air. But when you spotted a faint shade of scarlet on his cheeks, you felt that you could let out a breath of relief because perhaps, you weren’t the only one feeling a little nervous.

-

Tsugumi was a wonderful conversationalist and an appreciator of comfortable silence. He seemed just as nice as he was in his messages, and when you went on occasional ramblings of something you felt passionate about, he listened attentively and always asked the right questions at the appropriate times. Even when you profusely apologized for talking too much the first time, he only gave you a blinding smile with his head tilted cutely before saying, “It’s okay, I like listening to you talk.”

And your heart was nearly set aflame.

Two hours easily passed the both of you by, with you discovering much more about him: He wanted to be a dermatologist, had lived in Tokyo his whole life, doted excessively on his mother who owned a little bakery near his house, had a good bond with his older brother who was working to be a pilot, was aware of the fact that he came off as a douchebag sometimes, admitted to some said stereotypical douchebag behaviors, and owned a cute little bobtail cat named Renji. Tsugumi eagerly asked for another chance to meet with you, promising that he would buy your drink no matter what. Is it allowed that someone even dares to match your view of perfection? Is he flying too close to the burning star?

You learned a few weeks later that you should have never given him the chance.

And what was absolutely infuriating was that you should’ve noticed it sooner. The sun he was reaching so highly for was not to become the perfectly flawed man, but attempting to attain something out of greed and selfish desires. He was abandoning any apathy for the people he drew into his sticky web as long as they helped him build his wings, and you fell for it.

(“I like you a lot, you know? You’re probably one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met.”

“With your history of partners, that’s not possible,” you laughed softly. “You probably met way more nicer girls, just never got the time to get to know them.”

“I’m serious, though. I think I’m pretty lucky meeting you.”

“…thank you.” But you couldn’t bring yourself to believe him.)

With Ushijima, perhaps you had jumped in too quickly; so with Tsugumi, you made sure to maintain a healthy distance at all times. You were determined to take this slow and learn from your previous mistakes, and while that could have saved you a whole world of hurt, it wasn’t enough. Tsugumi wove you into his life by joining you on study dates, always doing his best to meet you at your university library instead of his, bringing you small snacks you had mentioned liking once or twice, calling you frequently when you were both free to check up on you and ask how your day was, and even dragging you along to meet his mother at her bakery. By that time, only three weeks had passed, and you had become (rightfully) concerned.

The gentle chime of the bell on the bakery doors had quietly alerted the matriarch of the Ito family of a customer’s arrival, and though her face had visibly brightened at the presence of her younger son, hesitation quickly crossed her eyes as they landed on you and the intertwined hands. Minute facial reactions could speak volumes, so you took that glance to heart as something to healthily ponder over, knowing that there must be some reason for it. His mother was nothing but polite, even gifting you an almond croissant when Tsugumi mentioned it was one of your favorite pastries. You desperately tried to pay, almost embarrassed that you were given something for free, but she wouldn’t have it and Tsugumi had to drag you out before you snuck too much change into the tip jar. But after you had bowed and had begun to wave goodbye, another emotion formed on her face and nearly caused you to stumble.

(Minutes later, you had placed it as pity.)

It all came to sense when Sayuri frantically called you the next night, strumming up every possible curse against “stupid, greedy swine in the form of men”, Tsugumi’s name laced between the syllables slipping off her tongue. You had immediately shut your notebook closed, trying to calm her down, “Hey, whoa, slow down Sayuri, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Holy fuck, (y/n), he’s got a fucking girlfriend!”

Three things crossed your brain then. 1) You were glad that you had maintained the walls around your heart, 2) Tsugumi was cheating on his girlfriend, and 3) you were unexpectedly not surprised that something like this had come up. Your dating life had started with a streak of bad luck, and you were pretty convinced that it would strike again, no matter what.

But that hadn’t stopped you from feeling your heart drop to your feet, simultaneously also feeling the breath get knocked out from your chest. Completely speechless, you spent a few seconds processing Sayuri’s words and quickly after, the anger began to simmer through your veins. In fact, you weren’t exactly angry that he had strung you along (due to your guarded, paranoid detachment) – you were more furious at the fact that he was probably cheating on some lovely girl, and even if she wasn’t lovely, nobody deserved to be cheated on. Not even a snake like Tsugumi.

You sighed. “Well, how’d you find out?”

“You said the fucker didn’t have social media? Well I decided to snoop because who doesn’t have social media these days—” “Plenty of people don’t, Sayuri.” “Well, with his looks and his past – again, it’s not a problem that he’s slept around, he can do whatever the hell he wants for all I care AND as long as he doesn’t have double standards – but I figured there had to be something out there. I found an old Twitter account, then found what I thought was his ex-girlfriend’s account but it’s actually his girlfriend’s account, and it turns out, he’s got a newer Twitter account he actually keeps up with. He thinks he might be slick, but the idiot didn’t even put his profile on private.”

You held the phone between your shoulder and ear as Sayuri spelled out the girlfriend’s Twitter handle to you, your fingers simultaneously typing it into your web browser. Another handle is listed in her cutesy bio, saying that she belonged to the owner of this other profile, and when you open it in another tab, Tsugumi’s face stares straight back at you. Sayuri was right – he had done a pretty shit job at hiding this. A cursory look through his tweets and hers, everything you needed to know was there.

She was a first year at a university in Kyoto who spoke highly of Tsugumi, tweeting photos of them two and tagging him quite often, and her friends all supported their relationship. It made you feel sick to your stomach that you had been spending time with a cheater, one who was throwing away a three-year relationship.

“Are you okay, (y/n)?” Sayuri asked through the speaker. You didn’t realize that you had been quiet for the last few minutes, so wrapped up in your thoughts.

“I need to talk to him,” you said quietly as your heart began to race. Confrontations were not your forte, no matter how much your business classes tried to prepare you to be a stronger speaker. It should be easy, like ripping off a Band-aid, yet the idea of calling Tsugumi up and telling him that you had to stop seeing each other wracked your nerves like an earthquake.

“Easy. Call him and tell him to go fuck himself, then hang up and block his number. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time.”

“I know, but…you know I’m not good at this kind of stuff. And I’ve never had to have this conversation with anyone before…”

“(Y/n). You used to manage a whole team of teenage athletes, and I know there were a ton of times when you had to put your foot down and get them in line. Treat this snake like one of them, get it through his head that he should burn in hell—” “Sayuri!” “—and then avoid him for the rest of your life.”

You sighed again and massaged your temples. That’s right, you could be firm, and with Tsugumi who you hadn’t been that close to, it should be easy to just let him know that the act was up. Yeah, you could do this.

“Do you want to keep me on the call?” Sayuri asked, her anger finally simmering down.

“No, it’s okay, I can handle this. But thank you though.”

“Yeah of course,” she replied softly, compassionately. “Are you okay though?”

“Well…maybe it hasn’t fully hit me yet, but it’s frustrating.”

“You can be angry, you know.”

“I’m not angry, I just…” you hesitated, searching for the right words to better describe your feelings. But without control, your throat began to close and choke, salty tears clouding your vision. You desperately tried to hold back the first sob with a hand over your mouth, panic striking your heart at the sudden rush of despair, but Sayuri quickly caught on.

“(Y/n)...” Sayuri cooed, her tone sympathetic and soft.

“No, if—if I’m angry,” you hiccupped, wiping your spilled tears away messily. “That means I cared, even though I told myself I shouldn’t have,” your voice cracked and heaved another sob as your heart took the final twist of the knife. Everything that you had tried doing to prevent the painful effects of possible disappointment were coming to crash down on you, and all for nothing. Sayuri held silent and let you cry out your anguish – she knew better than anyone that you just needed these moments of catharsis, to let all your emotions out before you would try to think logically again.

“God, I’m such a fucking idiot,” you blubbered after a couple of minutes, standing to retrieve a tissue from the kitchen.

“You’re not, really. You give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the best in them. Usually that’s not bad, but…an asshole decided to come along and take advantage of it. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

“I’ll try but…fuck, it’s so embarrassing to think about it now. All the signs were probably there, right? And I just believed everything he told me,” you sniffled, setting your phone down with the speaker on as you blew your nose.

“I’ll be there in the next hour or so,” she stated resolutely, and you could hear her moving around her apartment.

“Sayuri, you don’t—”

“Don’t be silly, (y/n). It’s not a good time to be alone now, okay? You want me to pick anything up from that convenience store by the station?”

You had let out another mucus-y sniffle, eyes roaming over the cabinet door of where your snacks were. “…can you see if they’ve got a bag of that flower plum candy I like? If not, a bag of nori-shio chips, please.”

“Of course. Hang in there, okay? Don’t call or text him until I’m there.”

“Got it. Thank you so much.”

“You don’t need to thank me, (y/n). And look…,” Sayuri trailed off and your ears caught onto her shutting and locking a door. “It’s okay to ask for help, you know? Especially if it’s me, so don’t forget that.”

“But—”

“I know you’d do the same thing for me, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then there’s no problem. I’ll be there as soon as possible, will keep you updated. Love you!”

“Love you too, Sayuri. Be safe.”

Click.

Two hours later, with an opened bag of candy in the cabinet and an empty bag of chips in the trash can, sleep came to you and Sayuri in your bed, and you had never felt luckier.

-

Based on Tsugumi’s calling habits, you weren’t surprised that your phone rang on the dining table sometime around 10AM, the screen lit up with a picture you had taken of him at the library on one of your study dates. It amazed you for a second how easily your emotions could be flipped around, that this specific set of colored pixels had once brought you a tiny amount of fondness and only now twisted your face in extreme discomfort. Last night, you and Sayuri had run through all possible scenarios of why Tsugumi decided two-timing was something to engage in, including his possible thought process behind getting you involved in his life so quickly. At the end of it, two things were 99% certain: you were going to let him explain, and you were not going to give him a second chance.

“It’s like ripping off the Band-aid,” Sara had echoed your previous analogy when talking about your worries and hesitations in the confrontation again last night. “The quicker you get it over with, the better.”

“But it’s the ripping-off that’s the worst part, not what comes after. Tsugumi isn’t one to give candid, quick explanations either. He’ll probably try to get me to forgive him, which only prolongs the inevitable. So it’s…a slow rip, not the kind where you can bite your tongue and yank it off as fast as you can – and it’s more painful that way, too.”

“You’ve got a point,” Sayuri had huffed. “If anything, I’ll be here for moral support.”

She casted you a quick look over her shoulders from the sink where she graciously offered to wash the dishes from breakfast, and your pursed lips gave the tacit confirmation that it was none other than Tsugumi on the phone. One quick sigh later, you swiped the green pick-up button, activated the speaker, and answered, “Hello?”

“G’morning, (y/n)! How are you? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” you replied softly, wanting to stay calm and collected. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I was just a little worried since you said you were tired so early last night. It’s not like you to sleep before 11PM. Did anything happen?”

You discretely scoffed to yourself, hoping that Tsugumi hadn’t caught it. Sayuri rolled her eyes in such a dramatic fashion that you almost burst out laughing.

“Nothing much, I just had a really long day and felt kinda tired.”

“Well, I feel better now hearing that you’re okay. I’m glad you weren’t sick or anything. Did you get a good sleep last night then?”

“It was good, yeah.” But no thanks to you.

“Well, if you’re up for it, you wanna go out today? It’s the weekend and I have some free time before I need to start studying for our next round of exams. Did you want to check out that bookstore on the other side of the city? Or the Ghibli museum over in Mitaka?

“Ito-san, can you do something for me?”

“…sure, what is it?”

You quickly took a deep breath. This was it; this was the start of the discerption.

“Can you tell me why you’re cheating on your girlfriend of three years who clearly has no idea of what you’re up to?”

The chilling silence that resonated throughout the apartment sent shivers down your spine. Sayuri had long finished up washing and drying, and the only sound that was registering was the chirping of birds outside your window. Even then, it was faint at best, and you briefly wondered if Tsugumi had just hung up on you. But an electric rustle and a static sigh convinced you otherwise, and Sayuri’s expression morphed into one that simply signaled, “Get ready for the bullshit.”

“…so you found out then?”

“You didn’t exactly try very hard to hide it,” you quipped while crossing your arms.

“I know, I just…when did you find out? And how?”

“Last night, and how doesn’t matter.”

“But—”

“Why are you doing this? I know social media usually isn’t much to base personality on, but she seems pretty nice and definitely doesn’t deserve to have a boyfriend who’s been sleeping with other girls for the majority of the last eighteen months.”

“You don’t know anything!” He quickly defended himself, but not elaborating any further. “It’s just really complicated…and she’s not what she seems.”

“Okay, so let’s say she isn’t. If it’s been so bad dating her…why haven’t you broken up?”

“We never…got around to it, I guess?” His voice came out sheepish. At least the guy felt some shame in his actions.

“You’re ridiculous. Did you really think you were going to get away with this forever? Like what if I hadn’t found out?” You almost seemed desperate to know the workings of his conscience, simply because no matter what his explanation was, it would most definitely confound you. Were you being too simple-minded?

“I swear I was going to break up with her! I really wanted to – you made me want to finally talk to her and just end things –” This time, you made sure Tsugumi heard your scoff of disbelief. “—and I promise, it was going to end eventually, and I was going to seriously ask you out. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m serious.”

“Ito-san…if you did break up with her, would you have told me about it later on?”

“…no, I wouldn’t have.”

At the end of the day, his honest and unfortunate answer resolved all your doubts.

“I figured as much. At least you were honest with me about it and didn’t bother lying to say you would have.”

“I’m really sorry, I really didn’t mean to hurt you this much. You’re such a nice girl, (y/n), seriously. I’m so sorry and I don’t…deserve a second chance, but could we still be friends?”

“You didn’t hurt me,” you snapped at him. “I was more worried about how much you’re hurting your girlfriend.”

“…oh.”

“Yeah, and while you probably caught on that my self-esteem isn’t exactly the highest, I know that I don’t deserve to be lied to and strung along for the ride or for whatever game you’re playing yourself against.”

“That wasn’t what I—”

“You know what? Fuck being your friend, too,” you bit out, your anger getting the best of you again. “Nobody likes being friends with liars, and I’m not about to change that for myself, much less change that for you. Maybe in like, 40 years when we’ve all moved on with our lives and you’ve become a better person, but if you’re asking to be my friend now after everything you’ve done, that’s a firm no.”

“But please—”

“You need to fix this shit. Do you realize that I met your mom? And I could see it in her eyes – she knew exactly what you were doing, right? She knew you were still dating someone else, but you wanted me to see her for some sick, twisted reason. I’m telling you; I could see it in her face, and you know what it said? She pitied me, Ito-san. I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I bet 10 to 1 that the croissant she gave me was out of guilt, because clearly, I had no idea what was happening. You can’t tell me that I’m wrong, can you?”

“Oh god,” he muttered, and you almost hadn’t heard him with the blood boiling in your ears. “Yeah, she was actually really pissed. Lectured me for a whole hour over the phone that night, told me she didn’t raise me to be a cheater and stuff.”

“Well, I’m not going to repeat it. But whatever else she probably said, I agree with her. Get your shit together, honestly. It’ll do you some good,” you stated resolutely.

“We really can’t be friends?”

“No. But…look, if you’re in some sort of really toxic relationship with this girl, you can tell me, okay?” You ignored the incredulous look on Sayuri’s face, taciturnly promising that you’ll explain yourself after the call when she starts making large X’s with her forearms and mouthing, “Hang up!!”

“I’m not saying it’s okay to be friends – I’m just saying that if you’re struggling with something and need someone to talk to, you can…talk to me. But only if I’m your last resort. I know you have other good friends, so you can’t use this as an excuse to try and get close with me again. It’s not gonna work.”

“…Mom was right, you know? You really are too good for me, too nice.”

“I don’t know about that, but maybe she’s onto something. Don’t make me regret it.”

“I won’t. Thank you, and again, I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry, (y/n). You didn’t deserve this.”

“Your apology’s accepted, but you’re not forgiven. Remember what I said: do what you can to fix it now before it all comes crashing down on you.”

“Okay. Then this is goodbye?”

“More of an extremely prolonged ‘see you later’, Ito-san. Take care of yourself.”

“You too. Bye then – I’m sorry.”

“Bye, Ito-san.”

And before the boy received another second to delay the inevitable, you somewhat aggressively tapped on the bright red hang up button. Immediately, your shoulders slumped and fell back into your seat, a breath escaping your lungs as if you had been underwater for the entire duration of the call. Your eyes focused on the chipped paint of your ceiling, vision blurring as you begin to think back on the phone call. Was there anything you could have done differently? Had you been too soft on Tsugumi by giving him permission to contact you as a last resort?

“Yes, you pulled a ludicrous move, if that’s what you’re asking yourself,” Sayuri commented, her own arms crossed in front of her chest. Sometimes, she knew you a little too well.

“I was just trying to be nice,” you half-groaned and half-whined, bending back forward to bury your head in your hands.

“Well, what’s done is done, you can’t take it back now,” Sayuri said defeatedly, coming towards you to pull you into a hug. “If he’s smart and can take a hint, he’ll stay away.”

You returned her embrace as best as you could. The Band-aid was off now, wound exposed to the open air, but you knew it would eventually heal. The only remnants of it would exist as faint memories, the pain fleeting at best.

“I think we should tell the girlfriend,” you suggested to Sayuri. Tsugumi would probably end up extremely furious with you, but not only did you owe him utterly nothing, he never said you couldn’t say anything to her either. So with Sayuri’s Twitter account, an elaborate explanation, a link to a folder on Google Drive with screenshots of your text conversations both on and off Tinder (the ones that you’d have to be in a deep state of denial to think were untrue or simply taken out of context), you completed the task that no person would ever want to accomplish in their lives. As heart-wrenching and torturous it would inevitably be, Tsugumi’s girlfriend deserved the truth and the ability to take matters into her own hands. Had your positions been switched, you would’ve liked for her to do the same.  

Hours later in the living room, you made the executive decision to delete your profile and uninstall Tinder from your phone. While Tsugumi might have been an odd, terrible, slightly harrowing experience in trying to start a relationship with someone, perhaps you weren’t ready for one either. You needed to wait until you were more confident, bolder, and had things locked down in your future. For now, any efforts toward desiring and developing a serious romantic relationship would be redirected to your academics and career. That stability had to come first in advance of your emotional needs.

When you expressed this to Sayuri, she gave you a look that seemed somewhat disapproving. Instantly, you began to curl in on yourself, doubt coiling around your heart. “Do you think I’m…overreacting?”

Sayuri shook her head as a small smile graced her complexion. “I can’t dictate how you feel, and if I were in your position, I’d probably be thinking the same thing.” Her eyes softened as she drew up her knees to her chest. “But you know what I said when we first started all this: I don’t want you to give up just yet. What if there’s a really great guy that comes along but you’re still trying to focus on your career? Are you gonna deny yourself and make it a missed opportunity?”

“I don’t know,” you muttered, feeling troubled now. “I guess…he’d have to really be amazing for me to even consider it, you know? But who knows, I’d probably do something reckless and end up hurting myself again.”

Sayuri could tell that your anxiety was beginning to get the best of you, the doubts and insecurity once again plaguing the blood in your veins. This conversation had to be postponed for later – because now, your recovery was of utmost importance.

“You know what you need now that you’ve sworn off men for the next few years?” Sayuri started, her tone unexpectedly filled with mirth and suggestive insinuations. The Cheshire grin spelled trouble to you, and you were becoming afraid at what the answer was. Shakily, you humored her, “What would that be?”

Sayuri denied you an immediate answer as she abruptly bounced up from the floor, scuttling off to your room before returning with your laptop. Her fingers quickly pried it open, excitement rolling off her in bright ripples as she gestured for you to type in your password. As soon as you unlocked the device, she snatched it away and took over the keyboard. You warily eyed the screen as she pulled up an incognito window and typed in the website to Amazon.

“What are you doing??”

“Okay, (y/n), tell me. Do you know why sex toys were invented?”

Immediately, you wanted to melt into the ground. Not out of embarrassment per say, as you’ve had open conversations about sex and related topics with Sayuri multiple times, but if you were going to be truthful, this definitely wasn’t the first time she was trying to get you to buy a sex toy or two for yourself. There was no way you made it almost twenty-one years of life without having masturbated before, and you were okay with just your fingers now (and occasionally, your detachable showerhead).

“They were invented because people want to feel good. Do you know how many people on this earth have dicks and can’t figure out how to use them well, but still think they’re a gift to the world? I bet the majority of them couldn’t definitively tell you where the clit is, and I bet even more still think that girls pee out of their vagina. And you know what? Everyone deserves a partner who will take the time to figure out what makes them feel good, especially those with a vagina. Best way to do that is to find out yourself and see what works for you.”

“But I’m fine with what I do now!”

“Just please trust me on this one, okay?? Get a vibrator at least, please?? If you hate it, I’ll treat you to dinner for a week!”

You waved her off. “You don’t need to do that, but you just need to promise you’ll stop trying to talk me into buying more sex toys.”

“Deal. But I really doubt that’s gonna happen,” she sang, typing in a couple of words into the search bar. “I’ll buy it this time.”

“Hey—”

“Consider it an early birthday present! If you want to pay me back so badly, buy me our next couple rounds of curry don and we’ll call it even.”

“I can’t fight you on this, can I?” You asked dejectedly, accepting defeat and waving a white flag.

“Nope!” Sayuri exclaimed, absolutely no shame whatsoever in her voice. Instead, she sounds entirely elated that you have very little say in this, but in her defense, you weren’t exactly protesting. “Here we go – and we get that sweet, sweet Prime shipping. Yes, I know what you want to say—” Sayuri interjected when you opened your mouth with an objection. “Jeff Bezos is a terrible man who’s providing a good service but should distribute his wealth better, but I’m still on that free student trial? I know I’m already going to hell, but I’ll make up for it in the next life!”

There was never a way to stop Sayuri from doing what she wanted if she had her mind set, and this just happened to be one of them. A few more clicks of the touchpad and taps of the keyboard echoed throughout your apartment before Sayuri shut your laptop closed. You didn’t need to hear her confirmation that the deed was done, given the vicarious excitement stretched across your best friend’s face.

At the end of the day, this was Sayuri’s way of trying to comfort you, reminding you that she always had your best interests at heart. Your heart brimmed to the edge with sentiment and gratitude, causing your own giddy laugh to spill from your lips.

Life seemed to resume its regular routine afterwards, as mundane as it can be for a university student. Sayuri had you tag along on her shoots again, then you would return home to finish up some assignments and get your readings done, the lingering smell of dinner wafting around in the kitchen as you scrubbed a pan clean – truly, the only thing that seemed to be missing was Tsugumi’s incessant phone calls. But you had neither the energy nor the apathy to long for them – and Sayuri was right. If he was smart, he would know better than to ever contact you again.

You hoped for all your sakes that he would learn to rewire his brain and think rationally.

-

Present

It takes you a few seconds to register the rapid knocks against your apartment door, the rapping of knuckles against hardwood reverberating with a sense of urgency. Part of you expected this sooner or later, but you are in no condition to face the person on the other side. The rhythm shifts as the beating of the wood begins to sound more solid, signifying that the visitor is now choosing to lightly bang their fists instead of calloused knuckles.

Please leave, you weakly scream in your mind, eyes screwing shut to combat the oncoming tears. Your figure begins to crumple even more against the rail of your balcony. You can’t see me like this, so please go.

“(Y/n), I know you’re in there,” a deep male’s voice permeates through the wood, though muffled and scratchy. “Please, let me talk to you. I’m sorry, I—” He pauses, a groan of frustration escaping his throat. Your vision refuses to refocus, bleary as you weakly take in your view of Tokyo again. Without a doubt, the man must be ruffling his hair frustratedly, distressed and discouraged.

“I shouldn’t have said that. Please let me in and apologize properly – I owe you that much.”

You owe me nothing, silly. It’s my fault.  

Eyes the shade of the earth in the billboard observe you, and you wonder: if seen in person, would they have stared with pity?

It’s time to stop running away.

So with sluggish steps, you make your way to the only barrier barring you from your fate. The two deadbolts slide back and click in place, echoing louder than ever. Your hand trembles in its path to the doorknob, faintly grasping the chilling metal and turning it until the latch pulls back far enough to let the door open.

And there they were, the eyes that held the key to your undoing, that had watched you crumble and fall, that had looked after you in more ways than you could imagine, peering straight into yours. You know them well, perhaps too well, and your knees nearly buckle at their intensity. It takes every part of your being to stop yourself from slamming the door closed, to hide away and escape destiny.

It seems that irises in the shades of olive will be the banes of your existence.

-

4.5 years ago

It hadn’t taken you much to admit it, but Sayuri was undeniably forgiven for taking the initiative to buy you your first sex toys.

About a year and a half had passed since the whole Tsugumi fiasco without as much as a text from him. The virtual silence made it much easier for you to do as you planned: throw yourself into your academics, prepare yourself for your career, and simply focus on anything else but the gaping yearning for a romantic partner. In the time that flew by you, Sayuri secured her own boyfriend, a charming J1 league soccer player who complemented her well. And even though it was obvious how smitten they were with each other, Sayuri always made an effort to include you in their dinners and hang-outs, so much to the point that you felt a swirling mixture of embarrassment and guilt for how often you were third-wheeling them. You had classmates and other friends to hang out with occasionally, and you weren’t one to always feel the need to be with others. You could handle (and frequently chose) self-isolation to refuel on social reserves – it was abandonment that scared you most.

As per usual for many business majors, you spent a semester overseas to broaden your horizons, basing yourself out of a city in Germany and tagging along with the other exchange students around Europe. New traditions and customs were learned, museums and historical structures explored – though one thing you hadn’t expected to return with was a new portion of your brain designated for the nuances of alcohol. Something that you hadn’t meant to care for in the past now existed as a part of your business identity; you needed to know the different wine glasses, the different brands of whisky, how to choose your drink wisely, which drinks are acceptable depending on the situation. If you wanted people to take you seriously in a world that prevented women from touching the sky, you needed to pocket the things that others would normally take for granted.

Part of you believed you were a better version of your past self at Shiratorizawa – while you were busier than ever, your time management skills had improved. That wasn’t to say that procrastination was no longer your best friend; it had leveled down to just a really good friend. You still possessed many of the bad habits in picking up unnecessary projects right before big assignments were due, putting a little too much on your plate, and working yourself to the bone to get everything done on time. The slight improvement existed in the form of less time spent on them, and you embraced this small progress.

And for many months, life existed on that continuum: Sayuri, friends, family, academics, and career.

That was until you received a seemingly innocuous text from Semi Eita.

A text from Eita was not abnormal in any way – as you had mentioned to Sayuri previously, the two of you had kept in contact over the last few years and remained friends. The text that appeared on your phone on a Tuesday night caused a grin to split your face, and all thoughts of indulging in some “me-time” were instantly discarded as you read his message.

[“I’m planning on visiting Tokyo this weekend and checking out a couple of things for the band. Are you free to hang out?”]

To your surprise, you hadn’t run into many of your classmates from Shiratorizawa, not that you ever tried, perhaps. So that might’ve been on you, but somehow it was much easier to stay in touch with your volleyball boys, despite their shortcomings in reaching for Nationals. You rarely visited Miyagi, and even if you were in the area, it was during New Year’s when everyone would be with their families. Without the heart to pull them away from filial time and duties, updates on your boys came mainly from 4 different group chats and the occasional video calls. Eita asking if you were available to hang out was a chance for a breather that you didn’t realize you needed.

With the adrenaline and exhilaration pumping through your veins, you tapped a response that probably seemed too enthusiastic to be you: too many exclamation marks and too many offers.

[“you caught me at a good time!!! i have a couple of days off before i need to start on my next project. it’d be fun to show you around!! and depending on how long you plan on being here, you’re more than welcome to stay in my apt!!! i’ve got an air mattress and a futon, whichever you’d prefer!!”

“Actually, that’d be really nice. Are you sure it’s not a bother?”

“of course not, semi semi!!”

“I never should’ve told you that you saying that ridiculous nickname isn’t nearly as annoying as when Satori says it 🙃🙃. But if it really doesn’t bother you, I might take you up on that offer then. Going to and coming back from Tokyo in one day is too much, and I was starting to look at cheap inns. This way, we’d have more time to catch up and hang out.”

“honestly, stay as long as you need to!!! like i said, my whole weekend is free :). there’s a cute little place nearby that serves great tekka maki!! i’m also not too shabby at making it either.”

“My favorite food homemade? Satori would be really jealous. And probably Shibaru. I can’t wait to rub it in their faces.”

“i’ll send you the name of the station closest to me, and then i can pick you up!!! actually, just send me your itinerary when you figure it out so i can plan.”

“Once a manager, always a manager. Will do.”

“looking forward to it, semi semi!!”

“Me too.”]

Still riding the high, you keyboard-smashed a text to Sayuri, explaining what had just transpired and how excited you were to see an old friend. At first, she was just as happy for you, until she caught on to who exactly was coming to visit, and immediately sent an “OH SHIT” text, followed by a number of sexually suggestive emojis. She didn’t have to be there to know your cheeks were now thoroughly flushed – in fact, you had been trying to forget the fact that Eita was someone you were trusting your first time to have sex with, and you refused to trip yourself silly to make it possibly happen. Last you remember, Eita had dated a girl for a small period of time, but that was about a year and a half ago and there hadn’t been much word from him about it.

The next few days passed in a blur – as promised, Eita had sent you his general itinerary, and while he was a working man with a band as a side gig, train tickets from Miyagi to Tokyo weren’t exactly cheap. Knowing him, he would attempt to take opportunities to pay you back for your hospitality, and you were going to make sure that this wouldn’t happen. At least, not very often. You made a rough schedule around his own that included lots of down time, if there was somewhere he wanted to go visit himself, time for you to make meals for the both of you, one or two movie nights depending on how long he would stay, and more.

The task was almost overwhelmingly nostalgic, that instead of sitting hunched over at your desk in Tokyo, you were back home in your dorm at Shiratorizawa arranging their schedules in preparation for Nationals. This realization of yours came in the very early Thursday morning, but as you began to recall more and more of your time there, you abruptly stood from your chair and shook your head. Not long after, you burrowed yourself under the sheets, phone playing your sleep-inducing playlist on the nightstand as you desperately willed yourself to rest and retreat to the dream world for at least an hour or two.

Then Friday arrived, and before you knew it, you were standing at the designated train station, bouncing excitedly in the arrivals section. You were excessively tipping your toes to look over the others also waiting. But amongst the incoming crowd, you easily spotted Eita’s signature hair color, the familiar hue of ash blond filling you with adoration, and as soon as he was over the dividers, you couldn’t bother containing yourself and bounded over towards him. With a duffel bag slung on his shoulder, phone in hand, dark skinny jeans, a casual pale blue button-down with the sleeves rolled up[GU1] , his reflexes were quick enough to recognize the human bundle of joy sprinting towards him. Eita’s best memories of you were in your Shiratorizawa uniform, so seeing you in casual streetwear threw him for a loop at first.

The earnest beam on your face could warm the iciest of glaciers, and he easily lost against the facial muscles fighting to form into his own smile. As you deftly dodged the other people in your route to him, his arms seemed to naturally fall open in a gesture that welcomed your inevitable embrace. Eita was pretty sure you squealed before jumping onto him, but his focus had to redirect to his arms so they didn’t drop you.

“Semi Semi!” You happily cried out into his ear over the hustle and bustle, arms tight around his neck as he held you close. He gave you a brief, affectionate squeeze before setting you down, causing your arms to fall. But his hands held onto your shoulders, giving you a quick once over and making his assessment. He always had a soft spot for you back in high school, knowing that it wasn’t easy managing a team of teenage boys who were ridiculously hungry and driven for a common goal. When news got around the team that you and Ushijima had broken up, he always kept an extra eye out for you and worried that you’d continue to work yourself to the bone in university.

But the girl before him seemed different: you seemed brighter, elation and happiness rolling off your body in waves. Your face was a bit thinner than it was four years ago, but perhaps the childhood features had matured over time. Additionally, you were a bit taller, though he still could easily see over your head, and overall, you looked somewhat healthier. He hoped that you were learning to relax a little more and take some more time for yourself, again very much aware of your past self-destructive habits.

Eita said nothing and ruffled your hair playfully, a snicker leaving his lips as you pouted and moved to resolve the new half-made bird’s nest. “Come on,” he chuckled, fishing out his phone to open Snapchat. “I promised Satori a selfie of us the minute I saw you.”

“Well, we can’t have him waiting, can we?” You joked back, hiding half of your figure behind Eita’s free arm and giving your best beam over his shoulder. Eita gave his best half-smirk, half-smile, knowing that Satori would absolutely eat him alive out of jealousy. He took one and let you take a closer peek, but before he could send it with your approval, you reached over and swiped to see what filters could be used. To make it easier, Eita just handed over his phone and watched you add silly stickers, his eyes resuming his assessment of you again. But it didn’t take long until you were handing him back his phone, giggling as he took in your newly formed masterpiece and scoffed while hitting the send button.

“Come on, manager,” he sighed, slinging an arm over your shoulders as the two of you made your way to the exit doors. It took very little effort to drag you with him, not that you were complaining. “What’s the plan?”

“One second!” You exclaimed and tapped through your phone, pulling up the picture of the schedule you’ve made. “Oh, yes! Okay, how heavy is your stuff? Do you mind walking around with it?”

“It’s not much, just clothes and toiletries.”

“Perfect, I was really counting on you being a sufficient packer just like back then. We’re gonna make a detour on the way home – I need to get some groceries for dinner but there’s also this takoyaki stand near there that you just have to try! It’ll change your life, I promise.”

“Can I change my mind and say I want to go home first?” He asked jokingly, but that didn’t stop the narrowing of your eyes.

“You’re just saying that so you can throw our schedule off and make me suffer!” You accused when you spotted the devious smirk on his face, the kind he’d put up in the past sometimes when the ball landed just where he wanted it during a pinch serve. “Fuck you,” you cursed but with no malice at all, instead laughing at his antics. “I will leave you here alone right now and you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay for the night. Let’s see how well you do.”

“There’s this really powerful thing now called a cellphone, and it’s got this wonderful little app that can pull up the map of the world. Have you heard of it? It’s called Maps—”

“You’re insufferable,” you said as you shook your head and made a futile attempt to push him away from you. Eita either kept up with part of his exercise regimen or miraculously retained most of the muscle mass he gained in high school because the flesh at his waist refused to give in when you pressed firmly against it. All he had to do was tighten his arm a little bit to get you stuck against his side, and you knew you had lost for now.

“You lie, manager. Admit it, I was your favorite,” he teased.

“Have you always been this cocky? Just because you have a few people screaming your name during a gig doesn’t mean everyone wants you now,” you huffed.

“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t your favorite.”

“You’re wrong – Wakatoshi was my favorite.”

“Even after the breakup?”

“No doubt,” you replied with no hesitation.

“I still think you’re lying.”

“Whatever floats your boat, Eita-kun,” you chuckled, feeling quite comfortable under the hold of his arm. “Walk faster, I need to get the good produce at the store before it’s all snatched away.”

“Hey, I’m the one accommodating your tiny steps.”

“Take that back!”

-

Being with Eita was easy, to say the least. Old friends could fall in line together easily, and there was little to no awkwardness during interactions. He flitted around your apartment like he’d been living there for the past few years, and very few topics were off the table for conversation. You had become more open, a little livelier, he realized. If anything, his previous assumption of your current mental state was getting confirmed over and over by the minute – you were happier, a little more relaxed than how you were during the last year of high school.

As much as Wakatoshi was a good friend, based on Satori’s slip-up of what had happened, he wished you had been let down easier. It was more than a miracle that you hadn’t run away from them, but you were more guarded, putting up nothing more than a gentle, amiable smile most days. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen you genuinely laugh at their antics during practice. Yet you were here now, sitting next to him on your couch and almost full-out cackling at some ridiculous anecdote of his about his roommate freshman year. Maybe your giddiness was amplified by the shot of sake you took just fifteen minutes ago, but that, yet again, didn’t stop him from understanding that things have changed a lot in the last four years.

He likes this current you, somewhat new and improved. More relaxed, more open, more easy-going…this was good.

“So are you still talking to that girl from a couple years ago? What was her name,” you muttered and started snapping your fingers to get the ball rolling in your alcohol-muddled brain. “Oh! Her name was—”

“—Yui?”

“Yes!” You giggled, leaning back against the couch and sipping from your third shot of sake of the night. “I remember she was cute, sad that I never got to properly meet her.”

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “Yui and I were more casual anyways. She ended up moving when she got a new job and we’d be long distance, so we broke things off.”

“When’d that happen?”

“Mmmm, about a year and a half ago?” Eita questioned himself, a little unsure of the exact timeline. “Yeah, sounds about right,” he confirmed and leaned over to the coffee table to pour himself some more sake.

“That’s been a long time then,” you sighed. “Anybody else since?”

“Nope. Things got busy afterwards with the national exams and putting the band together, so I just never really thought about it. But what about you?” Eita asked curiously – had you moved on since your break-up with Wakatoshi?

At first, you hummed to yourself, eyebrows furrowed in a manner that suggested you were struggling to find the right words. But then your face relaxed and morphed into a mix of mischief and embarrassment, small laughs spilling from your lips and he was wondering if he needed to start worrying.

“I did see a guy a couple of years ago,” you began while staring into your cup, avoiding Eita’s gaze. “You wanna know how I met him?”

“How?”

“I…okay wait, do you promise not to judge me?” You somewhat slurred and held out a pinky as a gesture for him to fulfill a promise. He nodded and linked his pinky with your own, interlocking then twisting so you two could stamp thumbs.

“Good, so the answer to your question is…yes, I met a guy. On Tinder.”

Eita wasn’t expecting that last fragmented sentence to come from you of all people and had been mid-sip during your revelation. It was a miracle that he didn’t spit out the alcohol all over your couch, but he choked and had to pound his chest a couple of times as the sake went straight for his lungs.

“Don’t judge me!” You whined, shoving him from the side as he waved off your accusation. A full pout formed on your face and you looked genuinely upset.

“I’m not judging, I swear,” Eita ensured over haggard coughs. “I just didn’t expect that – I thought you were gonna tell me you met this guy at some random place on campus.”

“Once you know the whole story, you’ll be glad he doesn’t go to my uni,” you scoffed before downing the rest of your cup. Eita watched you wince and fight the pleasant burn down your throat, preparing for the possible train wreck of a story you insinuated.

You laid it all out for him, from the very beginning to when Sayuri first got you to download the app up until the last phone call you had with Tsugumi. Eita listened attentively, grimacing, laughing, and frowning at all the right moments. He watched you struggle to verbalize the anger you had felt, the frustration from even being angry to begin with, and by the time you were done, you were exhausted. You simply stared back at him with a lazy, tipsy smile that contrasted all the defeat in your bones and attempted to hide your efforts in pretending that you had completely moved on. Eita could tell, though, that that was unfortunately not the case. The pain had lingered, and you were never going to forget…or forgive yourself.

He released a heavy sigh, placing his empty cup gently on your coffee table and grabbing yours from your fingers as well. Once both were away from the possibility of being spilt, he reached out a hand to you, wiggling his fingers as a tacit gesture for you to grab them. Whether your fingers had trembled from the excess resentment or some personal effect from the sake, the second your fingers interlocked, your eyes began to water. At this sight, Eita quickly pulled you to him with a strength you had forgotten he possessed, repositioning your bodies until he was leaned against the back cushion with your side cuddled into his frame – your knees bent and feet on the other side of his thighs – and one arm wrapped around your shoulders with a free hand intwined with one of yours in your lap.

Part of him had expected you to completely break down and bawl, but instead you released silent tears, occasionally sniffling and wiping them away with your free hand. He murmured words of encouragement into your hair, just loud enough to not startle you but to remind you that he was there. Eita instantly regretted not keeping in touch more, even if Sayuri kept a close and endearing watch over your well-being. But you were engaging in an old habit of yours, the one where you’d put up a strong front to not give anyone a reason to worry, that you could handle things on your own.  

Maybe he was feeling a bit lonely as well. The alcohol running through both his and your veins certainly wasn’t there to aid in any good decision-making, and the two combined with your own emotions, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was going for when he gazed down at you, waiting for you to look back up at him.

Your eyes were surely bloodshot by this time, and you could feel the tears slowly dry and crust between your eyelashes. Eita’s heavy, pointed scrutiny willed you to look back at him. Even with your slightly blurred vision and sake-addled brain, you failed to miss the way his eyes flickered down to where your lips were. Naturally, you glanced at his own with alarms softly sounding in your brain. This wasn’t a good idea, but you were two slightly lonely adults and if he wanted to…

Perhaps Eita had become a mind-reader over the last four years. Your heart rate skyrocketed as he leaned down at a snail’s pace, leaving you more than ample time to prevent this moment from ever happening. But it was undeniable that part of you wanted this, that at some time during senior year, you had briefly envisioned a few times what it would be like to kiss the setter.

Just once, to feed curiosity’s sake, to unveil the unknown.

Eita’s weakly parted lips were still, frozen when they gently met yours with the slightest bit of pressure. His shaky breaths faintly tickled your skin and you caught the whiffs of sake and something minty, the scent slowly intoxicating you. Something sparked in your veins, a slow tingle crawling up from the base of your spine, and you nearly shivered. A fragment of your brain registered the tightening of his hand in yours, a tacit and telling gesture of, “It’s okay. It’s up to you.”

You could resolve this in the morning.

You took the plunge, lips slowly moving against his to signal your tentative approval. Eita’s lips were as soft as rose petals, so tender against yours that reminded you of the full moon on a clear night sky. At every step, at every change, he soundlessly requested permission, whether it be with a cautious nudge of your nose with his or a squeeze of your fingers, and you granted the shift in angles, the slow repositioning for a position more comfortable. It hadn’t taken long for Eita to lose himself in you, wrapped up in this new, uncharted territory that you guided him through. He was more than satisfied with just kissing you, now hesitantly straddling his figure, at a comfortable, languid pace with his hands cradling your cheeks.

At some point, your hands had traveled to wound behind his neck, fingers lightly grasping the ash blond strands at the nape of his neck. When you subconsciously tightened your grip on them, Eita sharply inhaled, applying more pressure against your lips and causing you to lean back somewhat from the new force. He searched for stability by trailing his hands down to your waist, his hold tender yet unshakeable. Eita wasn’t planning on going any further, not when you weren’t completely sober to make a choice like that, but that didn’t stop him from scattering light kisses on your cheeks and jaw. Clearly, the alcohol had lowered some of his inhibitions, but not enough as his lips lingered over the span of your neck – his desire to mark your skin, to paint it with hickeys and signs of affection, would only unleash something darker inside of him, something that you weren’t quite ready for yet. Your heady breaths echoed in his ears and he felt you shake with temptation, your head subtly lolling to the side to allow him more room as a tacit gesture of consent.

Just one, he berated himself. Just one.

His nose ghosted over the skin from your jaw to your collarbone, catching the faint scent of what he assumed to be a mix of your body wash and natural scent. His senses found it comforting, grounding, and reminded him just how precious you were to him. You weren’t just a random girl at the bar he thought would be temporarily nice to make out with – you were (y/n), the girl who had watched over him and encouraged him during some of his most difficult times with a sport that was once his life, the manager who cared for him and his teammates to be nothing but their best, the person who the boys would unwittingly go to war for if anyone were to bring you trouble.

So he made that known, kissing the joint between your neck and shoulder, and reveled in the breathy gasp that escaped your throat. Little by little, he applied more pressure, preparing you for what he was about to do. His lips softly sucked on the skin, just enough so his teeth could graze it and nibble. Your hands were now fully entangled in the strands of his air, and as they tightened, Eita became more forceful and meaningful. You were entering a faint haze of ecstasy as he worked that one spot, determined to break the capillaries beneath your unmarked flesh and let the inevitable bruising bloom. He knew how beautiful you would look when he was done, and if he had your permission to, what a sight you would be with more littered on the rest of your body.

When he pulled back and deemed his work sufficient, he placed one last kiss on top of it before gazing back at you. Your eyes were half-lidded and hazy, traces of lust pouring into them as you struggled to even your breath. You knew in your bones that Eita was too much of a gentleman to go any further than this, and you were incredibly grateful. If something was going to happen between the two of you, you wanted to make sure that both of you were undoubtedly sober and fully aware of the decisions made.

Eita leaned his forehead against yours, stealing a few chaste kisses and rubbing his nose affectionately against your own. When he felt you were calm, steady, he made sure your legs were wound tight around his waist before standing from the couch with ease, arms holding you securely to his chest. His feet carried the two of you to your bathroom, placing you on the little counter space by your sink before unraveling your limbs from his figure.

Quietly, he handed over your toothbrush and squeezed out a small dollop of toothpaste onto it, repeating the actions with his own. The both of you tiredly brushed your teeth, somewhat thankful for the minty paste that would replace any lingering notions of the sake. But that hadn’t stopped you from staring at each other during the motions, only breaking the silence when foam escaped his lips and you couldn’t help but let out a tiny snicker. To which he only rolled his eyes dramatically, yet quickly held your gaze again as his own was filled with amusement and mirth, much akin to the look he had given you when you picked him up at the station earlier.

Minutes later, you two were tucked in your bed, facing each other in the dark. Eita tentatively searched for one of your hands, weaving them together once he completed this small quest of his. Little needed to be said as your blinks began to take on a slower pace, sometimes staying shut for a second or two before snapping back open. Your grip was loosening in his, but he felt he knew why you kept trying to get a good look at him, why you were unwilling to let sleep overtake you.

“Turn around,” he whispered. Too tired to question or fight back, you did as you were told, waiting with bated breath. Not long after you had done so, you felt the mattress closer to you divot just a bit more as an arm carefully snuck around your waist. You lifted your neck a bit to move your hair towards the side you faced so that Eita’s breathing wouldn’t be quite as obstructed, and he thanked you for the thoughtful action with a chaste press of his lips against your shoulder. The two of you adjusted slightly to ensure the position was equally comfortable.

Eita felt you considerably relax, almost falling back into his hold. His arm around your waist spoke volumes to you and part of him knew, part of him wanted to assure you that—

“I’ll be here in the morning,” he promised.

Because Eita knew that perhaps, you two needed to be reminded that you both weren’t alone, that there were people out there who desired both you and him; that the loneliness was just a blip in the timeline, and that eventually, your needs to be loved and appreciated wholeheartedly would be fulfilled someday by others than each other. You two could be good together, but the circumstances and other factors weren’t perfect. Maybe in another lifetime, Eita thought to himself.

And just as he suspected, that promise was all you needed to peacefully succumb to the dreamworld, with him following soon after.

[captain-cerrillo]

after x and during x

Eva still held Isaac’s dirty hand and she squeezed him silently – a million silent reassurances in one touch. It was enough and he released her, only once he was certain his knees would not give out, to close the short distance between him and the woman with matching eyes. He let a heavy hand pat the Major’s armored shoulder, quiet gratitude that would surely be addressed properly, on his way past as Ben and Gabriel surrounded him.

“Ma.” Isaac could only breathe. He wasn’t even sure if she could hear him but if he got any louder his voice might break. “Ma, I was so worried. They weren’t gonna- This isn’t even-” Isaac sputtered an uncharacteristic frustration, gesturing with wild hands. “The Alliance. They didn’t even want-”

“Hush, mijo.”

“Ma, if anything happened to you-” Isaac’s voice did break when her wrinkled hands reached to hold his face and he couldn’t stop the hot rivers that tickled the crook of his nose and dripped from his chin in big, fat drops.

“Mi hijo. Mi amor. Todo estara bien. I’m so proud of you, Isaac. Look at this! Mira eso! Mira estos regalos que nos has traido. Hey, hey...” The smaller woman pulled his ear to make him look at her, laughing at the way he scowled like he was four years old again. “A month ago, we had no hope. A week ago, your friend arrived. Said you were all on your way. And this day, you are all here. How is that not magic.”

Mara gestured lightly to the people around them, still in varying degrees of discomfort and unease, but with a new rumble of something promising at their feet. “Today, we have hope again.”

Her soft, but critical eyes landed on Eva over Isaac’s shoulder. She patted Isaac’s helmet hair before pushing him off to say hello to their old family friends waiting eagerly by. “Vamos. Quiero hablar con ella.”

“Ma,” Isaac warned in a low voice, clearly hesitant, but Mara only waved a hand in his face.

“Dije vete,” Mara spat. She poked a finger into Isaac’s chest, wedging him out of the way with a mouthful of rolling admonishments. “Has perdido las orejas? No seas egoísta esta es mi hija. Muévete del camino!”

“Hola querida. Ven aquí mi niña.” Eva choked back a giggle at the wide-eyed look on Isaac’s face as his mother pulled her in for the fullest hug. “What is your name, Dorada?”

-

“And these two. You’ll like these two.”

“Uh. Hi. I’m Luca.”

“Kiosho.”

“Hello, boys.” Mara crooned, already reaching to run a hand through Luca’s curls before she cupped a soft, warm hand to Kio’s cheek. “Mira estas caras dulces.”

“You know those grandkids you always wanted?”

Mara looked away from Kiosho’s mismatched eyes only to throw Isaac a look full of questions a moment before the pieces snapped into place with an exaggerated ahhhhh. “Demasiado flaco para ser mis nietos. But we will feed.”

Mara linked an arm around each of the boys, clearly content with her new found family, and they headed to join the main group and meet the others. “I don’t trust those Alliance rations," she told the boys seriously as she walked. "I’ve watched him starve for 25 years on that prepackaged caca. I won't have you eating it too. Not here."

Luca looked over his shoulder at Isaac and Eva, absolutely delighted at the way Mara spat on the ground in disgust.

-

“Alright, line ‘em up.” Isaac nodded toward the assembled force, still mostly gathered around the shuttle, as he spoke to Mara and the other assumed leaders of the small civilian group. “We have our ex-Cerberus operatives: Dragon, Ares, Zeus, Hurricane, Sabre, and their leader Huntsman. Alliance Soldiers: This is Braun, Thurman, and Harris. You’ve already met Lieutenant Moreno and Private Toma as well as. Uh- us.” Isaac gestured between the Major, Eva, and himself.

“A Slayer, a Fury, and a Paladin,” a small boy with curious eyes said as he squeezed out from a gap in the small crowd to get a better look. He went straight to Archer with one sticky, extended finger. The slayer only looked at him with an I dare you face, a heartbeat before Mara intercepted, herding the boy by his shoulders back to his parents off to the side.

“Not now, Nicholas. There’s still some very important work to do, and we all need to do everything we can to help, okay?”

“Okay, Concejala. But they’ll let me see the armor soon? When everything is through?”

Mara scowled over her shoulder at Isaac’s poorly covered snort of amusement. “We will see, amor. Ahora ve.”

Mara translations below. She would not let me just put the english in there so bear w me.

Mijo - son

“Mi hijo. Mi amor. Todo estara bien. I’m so proud of you, Isaac. Look at this! Mira eso! Mira estos regalos que nos has traido. Hey, hey...” - "My son. My love. Everything will be fine. I'm so proud of you, Isaac. Look at this! Check it out! Look at these gifts you have brought us. Hey, hey…”

“Vamos. Quiero hablar con ella.” - "Let's go. I want to talk to her."

“Dije vete,” Mara spat. She poked a finger into Isaac’s chest, wedging him out of the way with a mouthful of rolling admonishments. “Has perdido las orejas? No seas egoísta esta es mi hija. Muévete del camino!”- “I said go,” Mara spat. She poked a finger into Isaac’s chest, wedging him out of the way with a mouthful of rolling admonishments. “Have you lost your ears? Don't be selfish, this is my daughter. Move out of the way!"

“Hola querida. Ven aquí mi niña.” Eva choked back a giggle at the wide-eyed look on Isaac’s face as his mother pulled her in for the fullest hug. “What is your name, Dorada?” – “Hello dear. Come here my girl.” Eva choked back a giggle at the wide-eyed look on Isaac’s face as his mother pulled her in for the fullest hug. “What is your name, Golden?”

“Mira estas caras dulces.” - "Look at these sweet faces."

“Demasiado flaco para ser mis nietos. But we will feed.” - “Too skinny to be my grandchildren. But we will feed.”

We will see, amor. Ahora ve.” - We will see, love. Now go."

[authorialarcanist]

Monster Collector (Tales of Symphonia)

Summary: When Lloyd and Colette drag the party off to complete the Monster Book, Raine can't help but wonder about what her students are thinking.

Written for Colloyd Week 2021 Day 2: Sidequest.

Gen, crack.

—

“Lloyd, watch out!”

“Right!” Lloyd leapt out of the way of a hammer blow from a massive bear, forewarned just in time by Colette’s shout. “It’ll take more than that to beat me, you know! Hurricane Thrust!” Air burst out from his sword in every direction as he jabbed back at the bear, sending it stumbling away. “Thanks, Colette! It’s open now!”

“Right!” Colette darted forward, multicolored wings carrying her to her target before it could regain its balance, and plowed headfirst into its fuzzy stomach. Nonplussed by the impact, the monster closed its arms to catch the girl in a painful bear hug, only for Colette to raise one of her chakrams in celebration, leaving a deep gash in its face where it had leaned in. “Yay, I got something! Okay, Lloyd, that’s everything I can get from this one!”

Lloyd pumped his fist, and shouted “You two can finish it off now!”

Raine Sage, half-elf teacher and current world-saving tagalong, raised an eyebrow at her compatriot. Zelos shrugged back.

“I don’t get it any more than you do, but I guess we’re doing this! Get ready!”

“I suppose it’s just as well… Now!” Raine raised her staff above her, and light gathered around Tethe’Alla’s Chosen.

“Plasma Blade!” With a shout, Zelos charged at the bear sword-first. Raine’s magic propelled him easily into and past his target, causing it to collapse to the ground in pain. To add insult to injury, a bolt of lightning struck its prone form a moment later, bringing the battle to an end.

“Annnd… there we go! Colette, what did you get from it?” By the time Raine looked back at her students, Lloyd had already pulled out a red book and a pen, and was examining some sort of herb Colette was holding out to him. “Alright! That’s one more down!”

“That’s great, Lloyd!” Genis, Raine’s younger brother, ran up to Lloyd from where he’d been waiting in the back line. “Only… Does that mean you’re going to tell us what we’re actually doing here, now?”

“Hm?” Lloyd looked up from putting the finishing touches on the book. “What do you mean?”

“I mean here, Lloyd!” Genis splayed his arms wide, and gestured at the mountainous terrain around the group. “You dragged us to this random patch of mountain, and never told us why!”

“Oh! Right! Whoops, I forgot about that!” Lloyd scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Well… Colette, why don’t you tell them?”

“Uh-huh!” Colette stepped forward with a wide smile. “See, when we were in Izoold the other day, I heard a rumor that there’ve been sightings of a reeeaaaally big doggy up in these mountains! Apparently it’s been scaring goatherds and stuff! And there’s only one more entry we haven’t filled up in the Monster List, so I thought maybe it was the one we’re missing!” Lloyd nodded along beside her, and held up the empty page in demonstration.

Raine gave her two students a flat look. “…Lloyd. Is that really why we’re here?”

“Yeah! I mean, it’s really close to done, so we wanted to fill in that last slot!”

Raine sighed. “I’m loath to say this, since you’re apparently invested in your schoolwork for once, but… is this really the time? Aren’t there more important things we should be doing right now?”

“Eh. Kratos can wait!” Lloyd waved his left hand dismissively. “I mean, he’s like a thousand years old or something, right? A couple days should be like a minute to him! We can go and break Origin’s Seal once we’ve finished up with this!”

Suddenly, everybody jumped at a loud crashing sound. They turned to the source, to see Presea standing over a felled tree. The trunk was now bridging a gap that led to the path further up the mountain. “…Getting the Eternal Sword, and reuniting the worlds. Is less urgent than filling an empty page…?”

“I mean, yeah!” Lloyd nodded without a trace of irony. “Who knows what this place’ll look like once we’ve reunited the worlds, right?”

“Uh-huh!” Colette quickly backed him up. “And anyways, once we go to meet Kratos, we’ll have to deal with—mmmph!” Lloyd quickly covered her mouth. The two shared a meaningful look before he let go. “…Um, whoops! Ignore that, hehe!”

“Alright, what are you two hiding from us? Annnd… yoink!” Taking advantage of the brief distraction, Zelos leaned over and snatched the Monster List out of Lloyd’s free hand.

“Wh- hey! Give that back!” Lloyd dove at Zelos, trying to grapple for the purloined book, but his face met the ground instead as the Chosen leapt out of the way.

“Let’s see, here… No. 234, Meredy… No. 235, Abyssion, man that guy was an asshole… No. 236, Z—“ Zelos cut off with a choking sound, all the blood draining from his face.

“Hmm? What is it, Zelos?” Raine walked to Zelos, intending to check the list herself.

“…Hey, Lloyd? Hunny? Bud?”

Lloyd gulped. “Y…yeah?”

“Why do Ihave an entry in the Monster List?”

“Ehe…heh…”

Raine leaned over Zelos’ shoulder. Sure enough, there it was: a little, surprisingly well-drawn, sketch of Zelos facing the reader with orange wings spread behind him. Located at the Final Seal… Strong against lightning and light elements… Drops… “Zelos, were you hiding a Mystic Symbol from us?”

“What? No!” Zelos dropped the book in a panic. “I haven’t got anything like that, promise!”

“Hrm. Nevertheless, this is certainly odd. Lloyd…” Raine wheeled on her student, the righteous fury of a scorned teacher at her fingertips ready to be called. “Have you been writing fake entries to fill space…?”

“Wait! Hold on, Professor!” Colette stepped in front of Raine, shielding Lloyd from her wrath. “Lloyd hasn’t been cheating, I promise! It’s just… a reeeally long story, okay?”

Raine held Colette’s gaze for several long moments, but the girl didn’t seem to just be covering for Lloyd. Raine sighed. “Fine. But we’d better get an explanation once this is over, alright?”

“Ehehe…” Colette wilted and gave a sheepish smile. “A-anyways, let’s just keep going. We still need to find that doggy, right Lloyd?”

“R-right!” Lloyd, climbed back to his feet, and grabbed the Monster List from where it lay. “Come on, everybody! I’m pretty sure we’re almost there!”

Raine watched with a pensive expression as he clambered over the felled tree. Her students had changed a lot over the course of their journey, but… she wondered if they’d changed faster than she’d realized.

———

The group was resting at the peak of the mountain. After much searching, they’d at last found their errant beast; now, they were just waiting for Genis to prepare a meal to restore their energy.

Raine watched as Lloyd and Colette dance around, twirling each other by both hands and singing “Hun-dred per-cent! Hun-dred per-cent!”

Regal sat down next to her. “They certainly seem to be enjoying themselves.”

“Yes.” Raine nodded absent-mindedly. “For all that they’ve grown, I suppose they arestill children.”

“Hm.” The two sat and watched in silence for a moment before Regal spoke again. “You’re still thinking about what happened earlier, aren’t you?”

“I am,” Raine replied. “Did you notice? Those two are incredibly in sync when they fight, like they’ve been fighting together for years instead of months. And… Every so often, I’ve noticed them looking at each other and giggling, like there’s some secret that only they are privy to.”

“…” Regal raised his eyebrow. “…Are you certain they’re not just—“

“I thought that at first, too! But now, I’m not so certain. I just… I’m their teacher. It’s my job to notice and step in if they’ve gotten involved in something strange.”

“It’s a good impulse, Raine.” Regal awkwardly shifted his handcuffs so he could pat her on the shoulder. “But… those two have proven themselves time and again, right? That’s why we’re following them.” He met Raine’s eyes, a serious expression on his face. “As adults, it’s our shared responsibility to be there for them, yes. But it’s also our responsibility to recognize when they’re starting to spread their wings and fly without our help. It’s our responsibility to trust them, and give them space, when that time comes. Whatever those two know, I don’t believe they would ever use it for ill.”

“Perhaps you’re right.” Raine watched as the two in question grabbed Sheena and pulled her merrily into their dance. Whatever was going on there, they clearly still cared about all of their friends being happy. Maybe it was time to sit back, and simply have faith in them.

…Lloyd’s face, grinning sheepishly every time he’d gotten wrapped up in some prank or work-avoiding scheme gone awry, flashed in front of her eyes.

Alas. It seemed that the habits of a teacher would not so easily fade. “…And if they areusing the power of the Eternal Sword to transcend time and space in order to turn their homework in on time?”

Regal coughed. “Then that sounds like it would be a disciplinary question for their instructor to deal with. Mirage!”

Raine’s jaw dropped as Regal’s form rapidly vanished into the distance. What happened to their shared responsibility as adults? “Regal Bryant, you get back here this instant!”