#and they didnt have a weekend appointment for two months.

[pubby-paws]

venting in the tags sorry

[butchniqabi]

not to come out as a vicious capitalist for the wedding industry but if you want a traditional wedding dress from a traditional wedding store...........go there At Least 3 months before your wedding..................please.

[thepavementsings-archive]

Sorry this is insane under the cut. Literally written for an audience of one (me) but i could not stop thinking about it.

i know what you're all thinking. you saw this photo and you also thought: pierresteban m-preg, didnt you? naturally.

Because obviously Pierre and Esteban have been fucking throughout the season. A dry hand job in the sim hallway closet is better than their PR meetings after another double DNF, right?

But then one weekend Pierre is out on lap 2 with an engine failure and Esteban gets a P4 and Pierre, loses it a bit. And Esteban hates losing to Pierre just as much as Pierre hates losing to Esteban, but Pierre is running the engineers down about engine mapping and understeer and... Esteban's slow pitstop costing them a podium? Like it was Pierre's to lose. And look. Esteban can fight his own battles.

So it's a tense walk out of the paddock. Pierre wont even look at Esteban as he shoves his bags into an awaiting car, his coach clearly receiving a getaway text halfway through the meeting. Esteban leaves for the summer break feeling unsteady.

It's halfway through the summer break when Pierre drags Charles to his appointment with him. He's happier today, genuinely laughing at Charles' gossip for the first time since Pierre told him. He's keeping it. The baby. There are a million questions, first of which is: how are you going to tell the team? Which really means, how are you going to tell him?

But Pierre is happier today. He is squirming around when the doctor spreads the gel over his stomach and laughing as he tries to shove the phone out of Charles hands, yelling something about no paparazzi in a doctors office calamar!

Charles thinks he will be glad eventually. To have photos of it all.

Esteban is trying not to stare. He thinks he can't really be blamed for it, what with Pierre practically waddling around with a scanner in hand, picking out seemingly the most expensive version of every bottle, crib and stroller in the store.

It had been hard at first. When Alpine had sat him down to tell him that Jack would be finishing out the season as his teammate. When Pierre had decided for him, for them, that he could do it on his own. Esteban missed the whole second trimester because of it. Fighting him to prove that it could be both of them this time. Needed to be both of them.

So he's not quite used to it yet. But when Pierre holds up two identical looking car seats and looks at Esteban expectantly, smirking when Esteban manages to choose the right one, he thinks he will be one day.

He thinks Pierre must be joking, when he comes into Esteban's bedroom with Amélie in one arm and the travel bag in the other. He's pulling the trophy off of Esteban's mantle before Esteban can even protest though, echoes of trust me! I saw it on instagram, you just have to see the vision! floating behind him from the hallway.

He's not entirely convinced this isn't some sort of child neglect. But he has to admit that she fits perfectly, wrapped up in her blanket inside the trophy. Esteban spent the majority of the car ride to the photographer's studio cleaning the possible remnants of champagne out with baby wipes, just in case. Mine and yours. Pierre has said it so quickly Esteban thought he had misheard him, eyes straight on the road ahead of him.

Pierre had been on the pitwall that day, 8 months pregnant and insistent that his babymoon be trackside. Beside him now, he is fussing with the buttons of his shirt, still stretching slightly around his belly. Esteban takes the hem in his hands, dragging his hands up to meet Pierre's and pushing the button carefully through the hole. Pierre smiled at him, opening his mouth to speak before a babble from across the room draws his attention away.

Ours, Esteban thinks to himself, following him.

[mcuntainbcrn]

//hokay y’all - let’s do a bit of a life update since it is very unusual for me to have a lapse in activity this massive:

my kitchen was renovated this month, and from the start of it, i was staying with my parents since i didnt want myself or godiva being underfoot; so i’ve returned to my old two hours a day commute.

the renovations were finished, and i had the green light to move myself back in - except for the fact the contractors never returned my keys…and i found out the hard way after driving myself and my cat there that my condo was inaccessible and had to drive her back making me over an hour late to work.

the contractors did…a terrible job on everything except the cabinets and flooring, and only 25% of my kitchen is currently useable as the faucet (and most likely the sink as well) wasn’t sealed with plumbers putty, and the countertops are horribly set, with measurements lines in a substance that will not lift, a sink cut out that isnt even in the realm of being properly smoothed out and sealed, and the kitchen repainted in an entirely different color than the wall color…which i actually had provided to them premixed and yet they used their own regardless…not too mention they also made my dishwasher unusable and/or broke it, and installed none of the shelves in the upper cabinets

have i mentioned i agreed to house my friend and her husband a few months in my guest room and they’ll be arriving in a few days?

or that i did so before finding out that all three buildings in my condominium are in the danger zone to the point of being uninsurable, and require 3.1 million in repairs to be brought up to code that is expected to come out of the pockets of the owners and tenants?

howabout the fact that i had to break this to them as a heads up in case they needed to make different arrangements?

oh, and that just today myself and my counterstaff had to call non emergency due to someone parking themselves in our alcove, facing the street and decided to jack off under a blanket when we had a lobby full of minor appointments?

so…short version is i’ve been incredibly stressed, and it’s left me with very little energy; i am hoping i will relocate some energy at some point this weekend so i can knock out my draft’s because to say i miss writing is an understatement.

i love you all to pieces - and may october please be kinder

[ebdanon]

ask pt 2 slight trigger warning for deaths (yes multiple): my husband was being treated like a little kid, in some instances my fil went into the doc appointment and started talking to the doc himself like parents do to small kids. it was insane. so we schedule an appointment with an infectious disease specialist at the most expensive hospital in the country, with a doctor my aunt knows and trusts, because she said she didnt want to drop us with unreliable care, and this way, we could get a recommendation to the right hospital wing. we saw that doctor, who parroted what my aunt and that one other doc said about seeing a specialist in the gastrointestinal wing, and made the recommendation. it was a few weeks away. now, what you need to know is this is private healthcare, which is super expensive, and all the best doctors that are left in the country work there (less stress higher pay after the pandemic shitstorm), unless they made like my aunt and moved abroad for an even better quality of life. she said if we continue being stuck in this situation, we should get on a plane and go to her, she would make sure he gets the right docs and exams in 48 hours as is the law there (she lives in a country 2h away by plane).

i dont want to go into all the symptoms because those were a whole different kind of scary to see him experience and not know why. and finally, we got an appointment with the right doc, who sees my husband and immediately orders the exams my aunt has been saying he should get for the last two months. they're scheduled a couple of weeks after that appointment (because prep time is mandatory) and are definitely pricey but it's not a big deal because having a freelance salary (me) in a low cost of living country means we can afford it. we also have plenty saved up. he had to do the exam under anesthesia bc they had to take a sample from his gut for further testing just in case, and when he woke up, he started speaking in english instead of our native language. it was the funniest thing that had happened in months, and like andrea after taylor's lasik, i filmed a part of it lmao he kept asking the nurse for some of the meds to take home because those 30min he was out were the best sleep he had in months (the symptoms kept him up) and she was like that's impossible you cant have this outside the hospital, it's what got michael jackson kileld, and my husband went "mj was a smart guy to ask for strong stuff like this" lmaoooo (its true btw its on mj's wiki) and then when his head cleared the doc came in, explained his diagnosis, prescribed meds to ease everything. he has to take them continuously until he starts doing at least a bit better, and he can get checkups with that doc any time. at that point, my client had missed one invoice but i didn't give it much thought with all the other chaos, and it sometimes slipped his mind but he always made sure there wasnt anything too overdue. and then he missed another invoice. and the meds were expensive. my husband also started a limited diet, another expense on top, to check what food triggers symptoms.

we went to our hometown for the easter holidays, armed with the new diagnosis and meds, and diet. stayed with the in laws where my mil did all the cooking. the shit talking continued, now, including my parents - all they care about is themselves, they never called my mil to ask how her son is doing (like i said, treated like a kid, they called me every day to ask for updates as they were worried), all they do is waste money on traveling. now some backstory on that last bit- when they were young, my parents wanted to leave this country, but they never got an opportunity to do so, and instead of mourning that, they figured the next best way to get away is travel. they take trips at least one weekend and each month. even if it's just out of town. both their kids are grown up with their own incomes, they have the ability to spend on that instead of their kids, even though we took at least one vacation abroad per year when i was young. they just love to travel and can finally do it more than ever. idk how my mil feels about traveling, she doesnt generally broach the subject unless its to talk shit about my parents or my fil's brother and his wife who also travel frequently. thats the woman my mil accuses of being a witch lmao. my mil took care of her aging and ill parents for the last decade or so so she hasn't even gone out of town for more than a few hours in that time. and take care in the sense of administer meds to her mom because "she's the medical expert" as we've covered. her dad had a complex issue that she looked after but that was two decades ago when it started, it stabilized in the last decade before he passed. and that meant taking him to appointments, giving food and meds according to schedule. i never met him because he was in hospice when my husband and i started dating. anyway, my mil kept going off about how she was the only one who cared and that's because my husband made her suffer through labor for hours. weird logic there but okay. she went on about how the doctors were all wrong and how she knows best and she's gonna make sure he gets better during the holidays while we're there. instead of boiling his food, she started baking it, but it didnt seem to be doing too much good. when we went back home, i asked her about the baked recipes and she told me all the ingredients. but she added a couple of things that were strictly forbidden according to the doc. and i told her. and she said "well ive been adding them the whole time and he seems to be handling them well". i hung up and immediately told my husband, and all the symptoms still being present suddenly made sense. she was practically poisoning him because shes the expert that knows best. i was pissed, but he told me he'd take care of it and i should let it go.

a few weeks later my fil's mother passed away. she had been suffering with health issues for the last couple of months, begging both her sons to take her to get them checked out, which they both ignored. she and her husband lived with the other son and his family. the sons took her to doctors when she couldn't stand on her feet anymore which was too late. thats when i got to hear my mil scream about how shitty that family treated her the entire time she's known them, when i learned her sister in law is a witch, their horrible treatment of everyone (my husbands family lived in that house too, its common here for brothers to live with their parents and bring their wives in the house, people stopped doing that only in the last few years, but my husband's family had to move out after family drama) and more. idk this woman was basically cursing out her husband for the family he came from and blaming him for it. we went back in town for the funeral so i got to hear all this in person.

a couple of weeks later, my sister in law with her family were coming in town (they live abroad, a town over from my aunt actually) for a week so we went to our home town to see them. on the drive there, we came across a traffic accident between a bike and a van, that ended tragically. ill spare you the details of what i saw. a few hours later i got a call from my best friend. turns out the person that passed away in it was her long term boyfriend, he was coming in town for a conference. they were making wedding plans. picking out home decor. what do you mean?! thats when i wrote 2023 off as the worst year and it wasnt even halfway done. forgot to mention, my other best friend was going through a divorce at the time. she lives halfway across the world but we make sure to give each other the big life events even if we dont talk regularly. it felt like everyone i cared about was suddenly suffering and the only thing i could do was offer support. i couldn't even be properly there for anyone else but my husband. summer came, my husband and i were barely functioning, between his symptoms, his family, and a terrible tragedy (my husband and my bff's boyfriend had been childhood friends). the summer turned worse as my client kept missing payments and ghosting me. family members kept asking to borrow money to make ends meet because they know we're fine and we can't really say no. with the bank account running on fumes, we spent august in our hometown to save up on daily expenses by staying with my in laws. my sister in law and her family were in town again and for a couple of weeks there before my niece started kindergarten, and things were a bit peaceful. except it was all a front, because my mil cant shit talk in front of her son in law.

we went back home at the end of the month, to an apartment infested with cockroaches. appliances started breaking down. i mentioned this bit of the story in another ask i think? it was 8 months of constant hell and without the option to look for another apartment because of missed payments and the plan to move abroad as soon as possible (we were already looking for jobs), we figured we could move with my in laws. that way, we could get everything we own in their huge house which definitely has space, and once we move abroad they can ship all the stuff to us. my parents cant do that because they live in an apartment, not a lot of room there. this is a three story house, with a yard and a big brick shed on top, housing two people. over 3000 sqft of space. my husband asked if it was possible, they said of course, this is your home, you're always welcome to live here.

im gonna break up this story in yet another ask

once again i am deeply terrified of where this is going

also im so sorry for your loss thats terrible :(

[savethepinecones]

ive been trying to figure out medication stuff so i can get back to work and the stuff im tapering off of rn was doing some whack shit. nothing to worry about health wise but ive been soooo antsy all week when im not actively doing something and as someone whos normally very sedentary and low on energy this was fucking wild. like yesterday alone i did like four loads of laundry, made my bed for the first time in months, emptied the dishwasher, and made an appointment over the phone???? a month ago one of those wouldve knocked me out for a whole day. i tried to play video games and i was still super restless because i wasnt actively doing something. i left the house at 9 this morning to go play pokemon go at a park ive never been to before despite living here for almost three years now. im going to pride this weekend and i was pondering what i should wear and in the span of about two minutes i a) decided i wanted to wear ace colors b) realized the only purple shirt i have that fits me okay is a sweater and c) dug out my sewing kit so i could cut the sweater up to something more seasonally appropriate. i then spent the next i dont even know how long cutting the sleeves and the bottom third off of this sweater and now ive got a sleeveless turtleneck croptop??? this idea didnt even exist an hour ago. also a couple days ago i cut up a pair of pants i didnt like because i needed shorts but ive been thinking of doing that for a while so it wasnt impulsive like the sweater was

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

Little Sunshine (Miss Venable x reader x Alice Macray)

okay..hi :) this is reallyyyy long xD And its the story of this 3 cuties and how they fell in love with each other.. Well, its a little bit like the 3. part of “purple roses” (purple roses u can find here: https://littlejeaniehugsbumblebees.tumblr.com/post/640902350735818752/purple-roses-ms-venable-x-reader ) 

I know, that there is no second part online today, but there will be! If u didnt read the first part, u dont need to, coz i wrote this fanfiction that way, that u dont have to read the first part, i guess its angst idk

anygays my english is a mess, thats why i use google translate:’)

can we just talk about the fact, how perfect alice and mina would match? Mina the hot top with all that bdsm vibes and on the other hand we got the cute and innocent Alice sksksks

I guess Mina is the protagonist of this fanfic 

A good description of your relationship would have been complicated. Because it was all incredibly complicated. Don't get me wrong, you loved your girlfriends and they loved you, but sometimes when you woke up between the two of them, when Mina had her arms wrapped around you from behind and when Alice was cuddled with her head against your chest, you might just be confused how all of that could be possible.

And sometimes you couldn't help but wonder what your life would be like without one of your girlfriends. But you knew that you could never live without one of them, that was a fact.

You needed both to be happy, there was no other way.

Mina brought firmness and structure into your life. Thanks to her, you had developed routines for your daily routine and were no longer so distracted. And you loved the fact about her that she was more rational than emotional about things.

And every time she went on a business trip and left Alice and you at home alone, a huge mess broke out and all structures were thrown away.

You would oversleep in the morning, be late for work and your house would turn into a huge disaster and mess.

It just wouldn't work without Mina.

Alice, on the other hand, was the most innocent, gentle, and naive person you had ever met. Mina helped you solve your problems, but Alice helped you understand and accept them. In addition, Alice was incredibly cute and she was fantastic at cooking.

And whenever you needed it, she was there to hug you and tell you how much she loved you.

And the proof that it wouldn't work without Alice was the relationship you had with Mina before Alice came into your life. At the moment when everything you had with Mina broke, it seemed like God would have sent a gentle angel to save you.

----------------------

"This is going to be a new record .." you said as you leaned into the door frame to watch your girlfriend who was still working at her desk.

"What do you mean?", She lifted her gaze from her laptop in confusion to stare at you with a frown.

"You have been home for 4 hours and are still working .."

Mina sighed and rubbed her temples.

"I just have to make one phone call and then I'm done .." she muttered with her eyes closed.

"You always say that ..." you started, shaking your head. "One last phone call, one last document, one last email ... and then it's 10 p.m."

Mina was startled at your words and took a quick look at the clock on her laptop. You were right, it was 10 p.m.

"I doesn't matter ..." you sighed and turned to go back into the hallway.

"I'm going to bed, good night Wilhemina ..."

"Good night .." she replied quietly and stared after you.

Wilhemina.

That's what you called her only when you were angry.

Mina swore quietly and grabbed her phone before dialing the directory assistance number and letting it ring.

"Uhm..Hello, you're connected to the directory assistance, I'm Alice ..", came a soft female voice, which sounded a bit too happy for Mina's taste.

"I want you to find Lennox Fischer's private email address for me ..", Mina said in a commanding tone.

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a moment before the woman, Alice, continued.

"We have actually been closed since 6 p.m. .."

"Then you shouldn't have answered the call, could you still find this address for me?" Mina sighed and propped her chin on her palm.

"Give me a minute ... I've only been working here for a few weeks ...", Alice laughed nervously and Mina closed her eyes in annoyance.

"That's when I realize I shouldn't have told you my name .." Alice remarked after a few seconds.

"How tragic .." Mina replied ironically and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Do you have the email address?"

"I'm sorry..but what was the name again?"

"Damn it, it's not that difficult. Then why do you have this job if you can't get anything done anyway? I've rarely met someone who is as damn unqualified as you," barked Mina and slapped the table with the flat of her hand.

"You have no idea .." the other woman yelled back.

"Can you all stop being so impatient with me? I'm only human too ... And all because you're too lazy to look for it yourself and now take out your frustration on me ... I'm getting this right now not paid either, so it takes as long as it takes. And if you have a problem with it, fuck off.."

Miss Venable stared in confusion at the phone in her hand.

"Uhm, I'm sorry ..", she stammered overwhelmed.

"It's just that my girlfriend is impatiently waiting for me to finally get to bed .."

On the other end of the phone, Alice snorted.

"Yours too, yes? Get a divorce from her, even if she's just your girlfriend, it makes everything easier..You know- "

"Lennox Fischer ..", Mina interrupted the woman to bring her back to the subject.

"Oh yeah .. m'sorry .." Alice muttered and laughed nervously again. "You have to know that I got divorced from my husband two months ago and it's all a little bit complicated .."

"Aha."

"Well, I now have his email address, can you write it down? Then I'll dictate it to you .." Alice said and Mina sat down straight again to type in the email address down that Alice dictated to her on the phone.

"Good .." Alice said and sounded polite again.

"Then I thank you for your call and hope I could help you .."

Mina let out a small snort and had to grin at the strange woman.

"I have to thank you .." she muttered before hanging up and finally shutting down her laptop.

When she finally opened the door to your bedroom, you were lying with your back to her in bed and she couldn't tell whether you were still awake or already asleep. She undressed quietly and then climbed into bed behind you.

"Honey?" She whispered softly as she leaned over to gently press kisses against your exposed shoulder. "Are you still awake?"

"Nope .." you made with your eyes closed and Mina laughed quietly.

You blinked against the darkness of the room as you turned your head to face her. Your girlfriend was hunched over you naked, looking guiltily at you. After staring at her for a moment, you reached out your hand to reach behind her head and carefully pulled the hair tie out of her hair. Long red hair fell down her face and the ends of her hair tickled your cheeks.

"I'm done with everything now .." she whispered, smiling gently.

"Now is half past ten ..", your hand slid from the back of her head to her cheek to linger there.

"Now is a little bit late.."

"I know and I'm sorry .." she muttered and you could hear the regret in her voice. But a simple "sorry" wasn't enough for you anymore.

You sighed before you sat up and leaned against the headboard of the bed.

"Look, I know you have to work a lot, but sometimes it's just too much you know?"

Mina, who had also leaned against the headboard, nodded shortly before you continued.

"It's not about that the whole thing can't be healthy for you. I mean more us ... Although that might be a bit selfish, I know you love your work, but I uhm .. I don't know- you know, you work all the time and even on weekends and I know it's not your fault, but I just can't do this anymore..I'm sorry that I claim your affection so much, but I just need you and you have no time .. "

Carefully you looked over at Mina, who sadly returned your gaze.

"I'm sorry .." she whispered and grabbed your hand to pull you close to her so you could rest your head on her chest.

"I'll do better, I promise .."

"I know I'm no better myself .." you muttered as she began to comb through your hair gently.

"As a professor at this college, I have to work a lot too, but not until 10 p.m."

"I'll do better .." she repeated and you smiled before leaning over to press your lips against her cheek for a moment.

"That's all I want .." you pulled back and lay back on your side of the bed. Your girlfriend was not long in coming and lay behind you before she put an arm around you and pulled you back to her.

"What do you think if we go out after work tomorrow ..?" She whispered in your ear.

You hummed in agreement. "That's a great idea..".

"Yes?"

"Yeah .." you muttered with your eyes closed.

"Good night Mina ..".

"Good night baby .."

---------------

You slammed the car door angrily before turning around to stomp up the steps to your front door. You were angry. Very angry. After you hurried to get off work as quickly as possible, you drove to the restaurant where you had an appointment, only to wait an hour for someone who didn't come and now you drove back home and then to see Mina's car parked in the garage.

"Wilhemina fucking Venable .." you shouted as you opened the front door.

"How dare you humiliate me so much ..".

You ran to her workspace and as you expected she was sitting at her desk in front of her laptop and seemed to be working. Her brown eyes widened when she saw you angrily standing in the doorway.

"I'm so sorry ..", she stammered and got up.

"Oh of course you are .." you hissed with narrowed eyes.

"I called you 4 times while I sat in this stupid restaurant for an hour .. You can't imagine how embarrassing it was, the waiter felt so sorry for me that I didn't have to pay for my tea .. "

Your girlfriend stared helplessly at you.

"Like I said, I'm sorry, Y / N .. i was just so busy and then I forgot .."

"So do you admit you've forgotten? You know, at one point I thought you might be doing this on purpose because you think it's funny."

"I never could, I-", she began, but you raised your hand to silence her.

"The only problem is that you always do that .." you bit your lip.

"You promise me so often that you will spend time with me only to then skip it for your work .. Then just leave it straight away and I don't always have to make myself hopes, only to be disappointed ..".

"Y / N please .. I'm as good as finished .. We can still go somewhere and have dinner ..", she looked at you desperately, but you just shook your head.

"Just forget it, Mina .." you muttered before turning around to leave her workspace . She looked after you sadly before let out a frustrated moan and slumped back into her desk chair.

How could she have forgotten?

Reluctantly, she picked up her phone and dialed the directory assistance number like the night before.

"Hello, you are connected to Directory Assistance .." said the same soft voice as last night.

"Alice ..", Mina remarked and didn't really want to notice.

"Ohh you're the rude woman from last night .." Alice laughed on the other end of the phone.

"The one with the impatient girlfriend .."

"Now more likely the one with the hating girlfriend ..".

"What did you do wrong?", Mina could hear real concern in the woman's voice and that confused her. She didn't even know this woman.

"She's upset because I always move her for work .." she mumbled.

"It's not your fault if you have to work."

"Exactly! ..", Mina shouted loudly and was surprised by her own volume.

At the other end it was quiet and Mina noticed that the whole thing was more than just private right now. She cleared her throat just before continuing.

"Can you find out Leigh Chaplin's phone number for me?"

"Of course..give me a minute .." Alice muttered and Mina heard Alice tapping on the keyboard through the receiver. For a brief moment Mina thought about just hanging up. That call was quite weird and had taken on a very personal direction. But just when she really wanted to hang up, Alice began to dictate the phone number to her and she had to take notes.

--------------------

Mina had decided to make amends for what had happened a few days ago. The only problem was, whenever you had time, she couldn't. And once she was done with everything, you had to work. It was a never-ending cycle that dragged you both further and further down. And the worst part was that you both knew that and still couldn't do anything about it. She loved her work as much as you loved yours and neither of you would ever be willing to sacrifice your work for the other.

And yet Mina had decided to make it up to you and that meant for her to help you with saving time. That's why she was now at the city library to bring back the books for you that you had borrowed a few weeks ago. Actually you had your own little library in your house, because you valued books very much, but at some point all these books were read and you were both not people who read books again.

And as a college professor, you had a habit of researching books rather than the internet anyway.

Here she was now, hobbling her stick through the library building. Which turned out to be quite difficult as she was holding your books in one arm and then had to go through the big building with her stick. If she were to trip and fall, she would have no way of catching herself. Mina knew that this would probably never happen, but still she didn't like the feeling.

But of course it happened as it had to, as always in such situations. It wasn't Mina who fell, but it was one of the books that slipped out of the crook of her arm and landed with a thud on the wooden floor of the library. How much she hated that ... such situations were almost unbearable for her. Simply because it was embarrassing to know that because of her scoliosis she was unable to bend down to pick up the book herself.

She wanted to swear loudly, but she knew that a library might not be the best place for this. She poked her senselesslyn stick around on the book and tried to put it upright somehow, only to grab it. But it was useless. Of course it had to be the thickest of your books that she had dropped. Her stick seemed to be against it like a thin branch.

"Let me help you .." suddenly came a soft voice from behind her and made her flinch. Mina turned around and looked into the friendly face of a petite woman with light brown hair.

"Your book ..", the woman said when Mina didn't answer and pointed to it with an outstretched finger. Again Miss Venable didn't answer and just stared at the woman in front of her. She was 100% sure she had never seen her before, but her voice ... She knew that soft voice, she just didn't know where from.

Without hesitating for another second, the strange woman bent down and picked up the book.

"You are welcome ..", she smiled and put the book back in the crook of Mina.

"Thank you ..", Mina mumbled, still staring at the woman in front of her, confused.

"I'm sorry, but do we know each other?"

"I think I would know that..", the woman laughed and suddenly Mina knew who she was looking at.

"You're Alice .." she uttered. "Alice from directory assistance ..".

Alice's eyes widened.

"Then you must be the one with the impatient, hating girlfriend .."

Mina's pale skin turned red at the other woman's words and she began tapping the floor with her stick in an irregular rhythm, as she always did when she was nervous.

"I may have exaggerated a bit .." she muttered. "She doesn't hate me ..".

"Well, I'm glad .." Alice honestly smiled before she nodded at the books in Mina's arms with her chin. "By the way, you have a very good taste in books .."

Mina's gaze followed that of the woman in front of her and landed on the book that she had dropped.

"Oh..these aren't my books, my girlfriend read them .."

"So she has a very good taste in books ...".

Mina nodded briefly while she was still staring at Alice. The fact that she had actually met this woman was so weird that it couldn't be a coincidence.

"Uhm .. I should bring the books back .." she muttered and Alice nodded quickly.

"I can wait .." said Alice.

"So .. if you want .." she added quickly when she noticed Mina frown.

Mina narrowed her eyes while she could only stare again. Alice exuded such confidence and she was so kind, it was like she couldn't help but agree.

"Okay .." Mina muttered. "Just give me a minute ..".

Alice's eyes began to glow.

"Perfect .." she said, beaming. "I'll wait outside."

Mina nodded shortly before leaving Alice to return the books.

"Where is your car?" Mina asked Alice as she stepped out of the library.

"Oh uhm I came here on foot .." Alice muttered and Mina frowned.

"It's getting dark .." she said curtly and Alice, who obviously didn't know what to do with that remark, nodded shortly.

"I can drive you home."

Mina studied Alice's face for any dislikes, but the woman just smiled again.

"That would be nice..".

Mina nodded again before going to her car with Alice.

"Well ..", Mina began after getting into the car with Alice.

"Where do you live?" She looked at Alice from the side, who was desperately trying to put the strap over her blouse so that it wouldn't crease.

"Uhm..Woodhill Avenue ..", the woman mumbled when she was finally satisfied.

"You can't be serious ..", Mina stared at Alice, not sure whether to laugh or be upset. "We live on the same street .."

"Oh really?" Alice's eyes lit up again.

Mina just hummed in agreement before starting the car.

For a few minutes they drove through the crowded streets and neither said a word. And although something like that was usually uncomfortable, at that moment it was actually quite pleasant, at least that's what Mina thought.

"Actually we know the whole neighborhood, but I've never heard of an Alice, nor have I seen you ...", she said finally as she turned into the long street of Woodhill Avenue.

"Well .. actually I don't live there .. I think I told you that I separated from my husband and since then I've been living with my daughter ..", Alice explained and Mina didn't even need to look at her to see how the woman was uncomfortable with the topic.

"I'm sorry .." she said curtly.

"Oh no .. you know, I'm happy the way it is now, at least I'm happier than I was with Buck a few months ago ..".

Mina didn't know what to answer, so she decided not to say anything again.

"Do you know the people who live in this house?" Alice suddenly asked and pointed to the building that Mina referred to as her home. "Venable and Y / L / N are their names .. My daughter told me that everyone is afraid of them .."

Mina stared at Alice and when she realized that the woman was serious, she started to laugh.

"Is it really that bad that everyone is afraid of us?", Mina said and couldn't help but grin as she watched the eyes of the woman next to her widen.

"Wait..I- you live in the house with your girlfriend?" Alice stammered and Mina nodded.

"I'm so sorry ... God ..this embarrassing .."

Alice buried her face in her hands and stared between her fingers at the house where you lived with Mina.

"Well, it's a nice house ..", she muttered, trying to get out of this situation somehow. Mina just snorted in amusement before continuing down the street with the car.

"Which house does your daughter live in?"

"In the green one over there .." Alice muttered and Mina's eyes landed on a green low-rise building.

"Ohh your daughter is Evangeline ..", Mina remarked as she parked the car in front of the house.

"You know her?" Alice sounded confused.

Mina nodded.

"I've never really spoken to her before, but I know her .."

"Okay .." Alice frowned before reaching for the seat belt to unbuckle her.

"That's when I notice, I don't even know what your name is ..".

"Miss Venable .." Mina said curtly and bit the inside of her cheek.

"uhm..or Wilhemina .."

Alice smiled.

"Well, then thank you, Wilhemina, for taking me home .."

"Good Night, Alice ..", Mina muttered and had to smile again.

"Good Night .." Alice repeated before getting out of the car and disappearing into the green house. And Mina couldn't help but stare after her.

In her mind, for whatever reason, she was back on the day the two of you had met in the flower shop where you had been working at the time. Even then, she had wanted to smile all the time.

When Mina finally stood in front of the house for a few minutes and finally decided to go home, she felt nothing but guilty feelings and she did not know who these feelings were for: Alice, because Mina had let her go or you, because she felt exactly the same  things right now as she did when you and Mina first met.

----------------------

It was Saturday evening and Alice was on her way to the house of the interesting woman she had met in person a few days ago. Somewhere she had a guilty conscience, as it was already 10 p.m. and it was probably impolite to disturb Mina so late, but she really wanted to see Wilhemina again and at the same time she really wanted to get to know you.

She stepped onto the site of your house and hesitantly raised her hand to the bell before finally pressing her finger against the little button.

When two minutes later still nothing had moved, Alice actually wanted to turn around and go home, but then she remembered that Mina probably needed longer due to her stick and that's why she stayed. And actually a few seconds later an angry looking Mina opened the door for her.

When Alice saw Mina's angry look, she was afraid for a moment that she had more than just disturbed, but when Mina recognized her, her look softened.

"Alice .." Mina uttered happily and Alice could see the woman in front of her trying to suppress a smile, which she failed.

"Uhm..I hope I'm not bothering .." Alice gave Mina, who quickly shook her head, a bright smile.

"No .." said the woman, her face serious again. "How can I help you?"

"Uhm well, I've got something for your girlfriend .." Alice muttered as she reached into her pocket to get the book out before she passed it to Mina.

"I saw on Thursday that your friend had checked out the first part .. I thought she might want to read the second part too .. It doesn't exist in the library .."

"Oh that's nice ..", Mina picked up the book.

"But unfortunately she's not at home all weekend because of a seminar .."

Alice frowned

"Are you sure you're the one who transfers his girlfriend because of work?" She asked and watched Mina just shake her head.

"I think you have a completely wrong picture of her ..", Mina muttered and chewed her lower lip.

"Isn't that important either, do you want to come in?"

"Sure .." Alice nodded quickly and started smiling again.

When Mina led Alice into the living room, Alice couldn't help but be impressed. The walls of the great room were lined up with full bookshelves sorted in alphabetical order. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling and was not switched on because a fire was burning in a large marble fireplace. In the middle of the room was a large dark red carpet on which a dark wing chair, a couch made of the same dark fabric and a square wooden table with short table legs stood.

Alice's gaze caught on the wing chair Mina had obviously been sitting in, before Alice rang the bell. A blanket lay untidy on the seat, covered with an open book and on the table was a half-empty glass with red wine. On the edge of the glass Alice could see traces of Mina's dark lipstick.

"Excuse the chaos, please ..", she heard Mina say behind her. Alice let out a low snort.

"Chaos .." she repeated mumbling and turned to Mina. Except for the few things on the wing chair, the house seemed to have been furnished down to the last detail.

"Do you drink wine?" Asked Mina, clutching her stick with both hands.

"Sure." Alice replied curtly.

"Red or white?"

"White, please ..".

"Well, then wait here for a moment ..", Mina said before turning around to leave the room.

Alice looked after the woman briefly before going to the dark sofa to sit on it. She sat there for a moment, but then the pictures on the mantelpiece caught her eye and she got up again to walk to the fireplace to take a closer look at the pictures.

All of the pictures showed Mina and a woman Alice was unfamiliar with, but Alice was smart enough to say that it was you, Mina's girlfriend.

And she noticed that Mina was right when she said Alice had the wrong picture of you. You didn't see at all like someone that could be impatient or strict. All these pictures showed you laughing honestly, with a cocky twinkle in your eyes. And of course Mina, who, as always, tried to suppress her smile. Alice grinned at the thought.

Each picture showed a different moment, presumably dates or vacations and all in one, Alice thought that you and Mina looked cute together, at least in the photos.

"So you've already discovered Y / N's altar .." mumbled Mina, who suddenly appeared next to Alice.

"Oh yes .. It's cute ..", Alice said and took the glass of white wine, which Mina held out to her before she mumbled a little "thank you".

"I think it's rather cheesy, but it was her idea ..", Mina stared critically at the pictures and for a few seconds neither said anything.

"She's pretty .." Alice finally remarked and Mina just nodded.

"She is.."

Alice's gaze wandered carefully from the pictures to Mina, who was staring sadly down at the pictures.

"You know, I think this is what I like the most .." she suddenly mumbled and tapped an actually inconspicuous picture with her finger. It showed you both in your winter coats squinting your eyes against the flash of the selfie camera. It was also pretty blurry.

"I know it's nothing special .." Mina explained. "But the moment behind it was special ... It was New Year's Eve last year and shortly before midnight we climbed onto the roof of the skyscraper in which she lived at the time, to watch the fireworks from there. I remember exactly how she was angry when I forced her to come on the roof with me .. it was pretty cold ..

But I wanted it to be special when I propose to her .. "

Alice's eyes widened.

"Are you engaged?"

Mina shook her head and smiled sadly.

"We were engaged .. but she broke off the engagement three months ago until .. until things were settled .. You already know how complicated everything is at the moment .."

Alice looked worriedly into Mina's sad eyes before slowly nodding.

"I understand .." she said softly.

"You know, I really love her, but it's just so weird .." Mina pinched the bridge of her nose. "I met her a couple of years ago in the flower shop she worked and earned next to nothing and actually had a shitty life, and now she's been working as a professor for a college for a few months and is finally happy with that... and that is great, don't get me wrong, but we hardly have no time for each other, because now she also has to work long hours ... and it's like she pretends that it's all my fault .. "

"I'm sorry .." Alice muttered before stretching out her arms and pulling the woman into a hug. Alice felt that Mina was uncomfortable when she lay tense in her arms, but when she wanted to withdraw, Mina quickly put her arms around Alice and hugged her back. Alice put her head on Mina's shoulder and inhaled the woman's lavender perfume. They stayed that way for a few minutes, until Mina finally cleared her throat and withdrew.

"M'sorry .." she muttered without looking at Alice and Alice could see the tear marks on her face.

"We shouldn't talk about this anymore .."

Alice nodded quickly. "If I got too close to you, I'm sorry .. "

She followed Mina, who sat down on the couch and sat with enough space next to her.

"Now that you've heard my shit, I'd love to hear yours .." Mina said, giving Alice a subtle sideways look. Alice blinked a few times and thought about it for a moment. Actually, she didn't really know the woman and a divorce is not really a pleasant topic for an evening like this, but a few seconds ago Mina had stood in her arms and cried, so what was wrong with it?

"Uhm .. so I've been divorced for 2 months ..", she began and for the next two hours she told Mina the whole story with Phyllis Schlafly, the E.R.A. and that Houston had somehow opened her eyes and she'd been working on directory assistance ever since. She told Mina about her children and that she couldn't believe she was a grandma. And then she told her about Buck and that for a few years she had wondered if what she had with him was really what she wanted the rest of her life to be.

To be honest, Alice wouldn't normally have been so talkative if it wasn't because of the alcohol. She usually didn't drink, so a glass of Mina's expensive white wine was enough to get her drunk.

"You know, I only noticed now how bad that asshole was in bed ..." she laughed out loud and held onto Mina's thigh. "Well in any case our house belongs to him and I have to live with my daughter .."

Mina, who was just as sober as she was a few hours earlier, might have been a little overwhelmed by Alice's drunkenness, but somehow she found it incredibly cute.

"I'm sorry .." she muttered and Alice missed the worried look the woman was giving her.

"Yikes .." Alice suddenly made as she stared intently at the clock on the wall.

"Am I wrong or is it 14 minutes past midnight?"

Mina was shocked at her words and had to find out that it was actually that late.

"I should call your daughter, then she can pick you up ..".

"Oh let Evangeline sleep .." Alice waved her off.

"I can just sleep with you .. you know I like you, you're nice to me and don't treat me like the failure that I am. Even if you were pretty mean to me on the phone ..".

Alice grinned crookedly before leaning forward and dropping her head into Mina's lap. Mina winced and immediately got up to let Alice rudely fall back on the sofa. The drunk woman let out a low wail and looked reproachfully up at Mina.

"We should put you to bed .." she mumbled and pulled Alice into an upright position before she gently grabbed her arm and pulled her up the stairs with her.

"Uhm .. this is the guest room ...", Mina muttered as they stood in the door frame of the room. Alice stared into the beautifully decorated guest room, which was so much better than the sofa she'd slept on for months. But it wasn't what she wanted.

"You know, I can sleep with you..", she remarked and looked carefully at Mina, who seemed frozen.

"Okay .." Mina finally said before stepping out of the doorway and leading Alice into your bedroom.

A large king-size bed stood with its head against the wall and filled most of the room. One side of the bed faced the door. Alice' gaze ran to the bedside cabinet on this side of the bed and could see reading glasses, a pill box and a tube of some kind of cream next to a small lamp. She suspected that Mina slept here. The other nightstand was a lot messier. Unused kleenex were piled on top of each other while a pair of gold earrings lay on the lamp stand. On one corner of the cupboard was an empty glass, but it was definitely used. And then there was a big black hairbrush and either it was Mina's red hair that was caught in it or you had the same hair color as your girlfriend, which Alice found unlikely. On the wall next to this side of the bed was a large painting with some flowers on it. Alice's eyes wandered to a large ground plant that stood in the corner of the room. She noticed that she had seen beautiful flowers all over the house and she remembered Mina saying that you had once worked in a flower shop.

All in all it was a nice bedroom, but Alice only saw the best part when she had stepped completely into the room:

On the wall opposite the foot of the bed was a huge picture window, which allowed a view of the neighborhood and the beautiful night sky. That was the advantage if you didn't live in the city. Alice couldn't help but grin than her eyesremained hanging on the black grand piano, which crowned the bedroom on top of everything else.

"A piano in the bedroom?", She turned to Mina, grinning, who turned red for whatever reason.

"Y / N can play the piano and when I gave this one to her, she wanted it to be here ..", Mina explained and nervously began tapping the floor with her stick to a random rhythm.

"It's pretty cheesy, but you should hear her play ...".

Alice nodded quickly and put on a neutral expression again when she realized that Mina didn't like her grin.

"I imagine it would be nice to wake up in the morning and then hear the piano .." she muttered and looked back at the piano.

"Anyway ..", Mina said and held her stick tighter again.

"We're about the same size, you can have my nightgown if you want ..".

Alice turned back to her and gave the woman a grateful smile.

"That would be nice..".

Mina only nodded shortly before she left the room, only to come back a minute later in a lavender nightgown.

"I'm going to change in the bathroom while you can do this here ..", she explained as Alice took the nightgown and mumbled a little "thank you".

And less than 5 minutes later Alice, who was actually still drunk, was lying in bed next to a completely stranger and, like Mina, stared at the ceiling in silence. And yet she would have preferred nowhere and it was the first evening in weeks that she could fall asleep without any worries.

---------------------

Contrary to Mina's guess, the next morning hadn't been weird at all. Actually nothing special had happened, but Mina had been worried about Alice's drunkenness, but the woman had been kind as always.

And while everything was fine between Alice and her, she worried about what was between her and you. She felt incredibly guilty and could never have told you that a strange woman had slept in your bed. Mina knew that Alice was way too innocent to think anything about it when she and Mina shared the bed, but you didn't know Alice and you would never understand.

Miss Venable couldn't deny that the brunette had turned her head. Alice was so gentle, it was almost impossible to feel uncomfortable in her presence and Mina finally had someone who understood her and who showed her compassion.

And when you came home on Sunday night and she pushed you right against your front door to kiss you passionately, she did that not only to show you how much she had missed you, but also to prove to herself that she still loved you . Because she did, but what she felt when she saw Alice confused her feelings and it scared her.

It was Thursday afternoon and Mina was on her way home. She had tried again and again over the past few days to show you how much she loved you, but for whatever reason, that only made it worse. At least you just seemed to get a little bit more bitter every day, and she couldn't explain why.

Mina let out an aggressive growl when she sounded the horn because the light turned green and the idiot in front of her stopped driving.

She had got out of work late and now had to hurry to get home, even if she didn't really want to go there. You'd only be disappointed again because she was late again.

Nervously, she drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she drove home as fast as she could. She was almost in your street when she spotted none other than Alice on the pedestrian path and automatically her bad mood had flown away. Mina stopped next to Alice on the side of the road before pulling down the passenger door window to see Alice's surprised face.

"Jesus Mina .." Alice exclaimed, clutching her chest.

Mina raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"I thought church mice dont swear ..".

"Actually, I don't swear either .." Alice stammered. "But do you have any idea how scary it is when someone pulls up their car next to you?"

"So am I someone then?"

"No .. but .. you know what I mean ..".

Mina nodded curtly before leaning forward to open the passenger door.

"I guess, you want to go home?"

"Oh yes ..", Alice smiled gratefully at Mina before climbing into the car.

"So how are you Mina?" Alice asked after they had driven for a few minutes.

"M'fine ..", Mina mumbled and was well aware that she was lying.

"Good to hear .." Alice said, sounding in as good a mood as ever.

"How did Y / N find the book?"

Fuck.

Mina bit her lip.

"So uhm..I didn't give it to her..Y / N doesnt know you were with me .. "

"Oh ..", uttered the woman next to her and didn't sound that happy anymore.

"I may not be allowed to interfere, but I think you should talk to her .."

"About what?" Mina frowned.

"About how you feel .. Tell Y / N that you feel misunderstood and make it clear to her that it is not your fault ..".

Mina didn't answer and concentrated on driving again.

"You know, communication is the most important thing in a relationship, so talk to her, I think that might help .."

Great, thought Mina and bit the inside of her cheek. Talking about feelings, that was exactly her thing.

She stopped in silence next to Alice's daughter's green house.

"Thanks, Mina ..", Alice mumbled and wanted to open the car door to get out, but Mina stopped her by locking the whole car.

Alice turned to her in confusion before Mina grabbed her by the collar of her blouse, pulled her close and pressed her lips against Alice's.

Alice let out a shocked whimper and Mina immediately withdrew.

For a few seconds both women stared at each other. Alice looked totally overwhelmed and horrified, while Mina slowly realized what she had just done.

Without a word she opened the car doors and not a second later Alice jumped out of the car before running into the house.

A few minutes passed and Mina didn't move an inch. She stared at the street in front of her, trying to understand what had just happened.

All she wanted was to solve the problems between you and her and now she had kissed another woman. Damn it.

She let out a loud scream and hit the steering wheel before leaning forward to lean her forehead against it. A few more minutes passed while she cried against the leather. She hated being so emotional, right now when so many feelings were boiling in her at the same time and she couldn't define all of these things.

After she had calmed down a bit, she took a few deep breaths before starting the car and driving home.

"I'm home, baby .." she called in a thin voice after entering your house.

"Oh, finally ..", she heard you sigh before you appeared in the hallway. Your usual smile faded when you saw her and you frowned.

"What?" Mina asked nervously and chewed her lower lip.

"You have lipstick on your face ..", your voice sounded dark and made Mina nervous.

"Oh .. it must be smeared .." she said and smiled shakily.

"This is not your lipstick .."

Mina's smile froze and she stared at you.

"So you're really having an affair .." you growled and she could see tears glistening in your eyes.

"What the- Y / N..No ..", Mina's voice faltered as she watched you turn around and pointed with your finger to follow you before you led her into your study.

"If you're not having an affair, what is that ..", you opened one of your desk drawers and put a white lace bra on it.

"I found it under our bed and it can't be yours .. you're not wearing white underwear .."

Mina stared at Alice's bra hanging on your finger.

"Okay, how long?", You looked at her piercingly.

"I uhm- We dont-" Mina struggled for words and clung to her cane.

"You just can't be serious .." you yelled. "All I want is your affection and while I give everything to hang out with you, you fuck someone else?"

"I'm not having an affair, Y / N ..", Mina tried to calm you down and held up a hand.

"Oh, then explain to me why I find strange underwear under our bed and why your face is such a mess .. You know, you could have at least tried to hide the whole thing ..".

"Please let me explain ..", Mina chewed her lower lip and briefly considered what to say.

"Well I know you from the directory assistance ..-"

"Ohh, phone sex..",  you interrupted her and raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell, no y / n ..", Mina hissed.

"It turned out that she lives in the neighborhood and then she was here on Saturday and slept here, more not .."

"More not? Are you kidding me?", You spat and ran your hair through. "You let this stranger sleep in my bed and you don't tell me about it? .."

Mina didn't know how to answer it, so she just kept silent.

"Did you have sex?" You asked as you crossed your arms and chewed your lower lip.

"She never could, she-"

"Okay, I'll ask differently ..", you pinched the bridge of your nose.

"Did you want to have sex with her?"

Mina stared at you with wide eyes. In her mind she traveled back to Saturday night when she had been lying in bed next to Alice and staring at the ceiling. She remembered it well, how disgustedt she was of herself, but all she wanted to do at the moment was bend over the innocent woman to do the dirtiest things to her. Things Alice didn't even dare to dream of. All she wanted was to hear the desperate whimpering of the women and how she shouted her name.

But Mina could never have done that, partly because her loyalty was yours and partly because Alice was far too innocent for something like that.

"Wow .." you mumbled when she didn't answer.

"And then that bitch kissed you today ...?"

"Don't call her that ..", Mina defended Alice. "And besides, I kissed her ..".

"Oh..That's even better ..." you screamed as tears ran from your eyes.

"Congratulations Wilhemina, something like that is called an affair ..".

Angrily you threw the bra at Mina before you ran past her back into the hallway. Mina followed you and watched sadly as you packed your handbag with simple things.

"I'm going to see my mother .." you explained without looking at her while you put on your jacket. "I have to think about a few things ... I have no idea how long I'll be gone ... I also have no idea if I'll ever come back ...".

That was the last thing you said before you ran out of your house and left her with all the guilt.

-----------------------

You spent three weeks with your mother. Three long weeks of thinking about everything that had happened. You loved Mina so much, and the fact that there was probably someone else almost killed you. And actually you hadn't meant to come back to her, no matter that all your things were still in her house, but you were too scared that you would then have to see how she got over you and went on with her life.

After all, it was your mother who persuaded you to go to Mina to talk to her.

And now you stood in front of the door of your house and at least from the outside it looked exactly as you had left it. You bravely raised your hand to the door to knock gently on it.

And when Mina opened the door a minute later, you couldn't help but stare at her. You thought you looked like shit, but Mina topped it all. The actually proud woman was just a pile of misery when she opened the door for you that day. The red hair curled untidily over the fabric of her pajamas as she trembled on her stick. She was obviously in pain and probably hadn't taken her pills, something you usually reminded her of. You looked carefully into her face, which seemed even paler than usual, and noticed how she squinted her eyes against the sunlight, she didn't seem to have left the house for a long time.

For a moment you both stared at each other and you felt guilt creep up inside you.

"Can I come in?" You finally asked and looked carefully into her cloudy eyes that were staring down at you. Mina nodded slowly.

"It's your home ..." she muttered before stepping out of the doorway and hobbling into the living room. Without hesitation you ran after her after the door had closed behind you. You sat down next to Mina, who was staring into the empty fireplace, on the couch and also stared at the fireplace, but your attention was focused on the photos on the mantelpiece.

"You didn't take your pills .." you mumbled and she just hummed in agreement.

"..uhm, how are you?" you tried again before carefully looking at her from the side.

"M'great .." she muttered.

"Okay.."

"And how are you?" She asked while she was still staring into the fireplace.

"I'm great too."

Mina snorted.

"So we're both liars."

You ignored her comment and got to the real reason you came.

"Okay Mina, uhm i dont know- So about this woman .. I don't know what you had or just didn't have with her ..-"

"I had nothing with her ..", she interrupted you with a growl.

"You understand that I can understand that pretty badly?", You bit your lower lip and watched as Mina shook her head.

"I think you should get to know her .." she muttered and you frowned.

"So are you still in contact with her?"

Mina shrugged her shoulders.

"You should get to know her," she repeated.

"Okay .." you raised both hands in surrender. "Tell me when and where and I'll be there ..".

"Are you coming home then?" She whispered as she finally turned away from the fireplace and her injured eyes met yours.

"I .. I don't know ..", you stammered. "Please let me get to know this woman first .."

Mina nodded just before she got up and left the living room.

"What are you doing?" You called after her, confused.

"I'll call her .. "she muttered.

Your eyes widened.

"She's not coming here now, is she?"

"No ..", Mina called from the hallway. You didn't answer and after a few seconds you heard her talking softly to someone before she came back into the living room and stood in the doorway.

"You will meet her tomorrow in the café next to the library ..", she explained.

"Tomorrow I have to work late .."

"I know .." she said. "That's why you don't meet until 6 pm .."

"Okay .." you nodded briefly and stared at her for a few seconds.

"Uhm, I actually wanted to take some clothes with me .. For three weeks I've had to wear the shit my mother still had from me .."

"It's your home..", Mina replied shortly as she again clutched her stick with both hands.

You jumped up from the sofa to run past her up the stairs. In your dressing room you quickly packed a few clothes in an old sports bag before you turned around and actually wanted to go again, but then the white bra of this woman caught your eye, which was lost in the window sill. You knew stuffing that stupid thing in your gym bag might not be a good idea, but you would do anything to break the owner of this bra, for something to do with your girlfriend.

You ran back down the stairs where Mina was waiting for you in the hallway.

"I should go now .." you muttered as she stared at you expectantly. She nodded sadly.

"Uhm..Can I hug you?" She asked quietly and looked at you carefully.

"uh..of course ..", you nodded slowly before suddenly finding yourself in her arms again. She hugged you so tight that you were afraid you would suffocate. Her red hair tickled your face and for the first time in three weeks you could inhale her lavender perfume while she clung to you like her life depended on it.

"I am so sorry ..", she whispered and you swallowed when you felt guilty again.

"I should go now .." you repeated and withdrew from her arms.

She just nodded before you stumbled to the front door.

"Uhm..Y / N ..", she called after you when you were already out the door. You turned back to her and looked at her questioningly.

"Yes?"

"Alice didn't do anything wrong, so please don't kill her tomorrow ..".

You nodded just before turning to go to your car.

Alice.

--------------

"Damn .." you cursed as you nervously stared at your watch.

18:23

You parked your car in the library parking lot and walked briskly to the café.

Your gaze wandered through the almost empty room. Two men were sitting at a table and playing chess, an old woman was sitting in a corner and drinking coffee, and then your gaze was fixed on the graceful figure of a woman who was sitting with her back turned to you. It has to be her, you thought as you stared at her hazel hair curled up on a pastel colored blouse.

You got a little nervous when you approached her from behind.

"Uhm..Alice ..?" You asked and the woman winced slightly before turning to you and staring into her friendly eyes.

"You must be Y / N .." she said with a bright smile and got up.

"Uhm..ja .." you mumbled with a frown before you sat down across from her.

"I'm sorry ..I'm late .."

"Oh its okay .." Alice waved her hand before she sat down again. "Mina told me about your work .."

"Did she?", You looked at her confused and she just hummed in agreement.

You used the next few seconds to take in the woman in front of you and understood what Mina had meant. Alice looked so harmless and didn't fall into the category of the horny neighbor slut at all.

You cleared your throat and pointed with your index finger at the cup in front of you.

"What's this?"

"Tea," Alice said curtly. "She told me that you drink tea .."

The furrow on your forehead only got a little deeper as you pulled your eyebrows together a little further.

"She seems to have told you a lot about me .."

"I also know that you play the piano .." Alice replied, sounding kind of proud.

"She had to explain the piano in our bedroom .." you growled darkly as you remembered that this woman had slept in your bed.

"Y / N, she loves you .." she said and looked at you piercingly.

"I'm not sure about this.."

"Okay .." Alice sighed before starting to tell you the whole story from her point of view. How Mina had called her directory assistance late at night, how they met by chance in the library and how she ended up at your home on Saturday evening.

You listened to her attentively without interrupting her and with everyoneSentence made you feel a little worse because everything she said made sense.

"You must know, I never kissed a woman before and- you know ..." Alice muttered, staring at the table.

"And I thought it was a sin all my life and when Mina kissed me I wasn't really happy at first. You know, I was with her on a Tuesday two weeks ago to talk to her about it and she was really sad..- "

"Did she tell you she loves you?" You interrupt her.

"She-" Alice's voice faltered. "She apologized and said she was confused .."

You stared at her in silence.

"I don't want to offend you, Y / N, but Mina feels totally misunderstood by you .. She tries to do everything right and you reject her .. As if it was her fault that she has to work so hard .. And even if she doesn't seem like anyone that gets involved with something like that, she feels totally terrible about it all .. You didn't see how she cried when I was with her that Tuesday .. "

You looked at Alice sadly when you understood what she meant.

"Damn I'm such an idiot .." you muttered, rubbing your hair.

"There's something else, Y / N .." Alice sat up straight before continuing.

"When I was with her on Tuesday, I kissed her again ..".

Her words made you freeze.

"You did what?"

"You already understand me .." Alice said, looking at each other nervously.

"Did she kiss you or did you kiss her?"

"I kissed her."

"Okay .." you frowned.

"She loves you .." Alice repeated, putting her hand on yours.

Tears stung your eyes.

"But she loves you too ..", you croaked as you felt warm tears running down your face. Alice reached out her hand to wipe the tears from your face.

"Maybe .." she said softly. "But you mustn't be mad at her for that, it's not her fault .. Mina and I don't have an affair or anything, she loves you too much for that .."

"And do you love her?"

Alice thought for a few seconds before answering.

"I don't know to be honest .. This is all new to me, if you get what I mean .."

You nodded slowly and thought for a moment about everything she had just told you.

"I uhm .. thanks for trying to explain everything to me .." you finally said.

The woman in front of you smiled gently before taking her hand back.

"I hope you don't hate me now or anything.."

"Oh no!" You shouted loudly. "You are really kind .."

"Thank you," Alice muttered, her eyes shining a little more.

You stared at her for another moment and you could totally understand that Mina found this little sunshine attractive.

"Uhm by the way .." you started and reached into your handbag.

"I uhm .. I brought your bra .."

You put the bra on the table and pushed it over to the woman.

"Thank you .." Alice mumbled embarrassed and blushed, which made you grin.

She was really cute.

And that was your first "date" with Alice. Although one would call this educational talk less than a date. That same evening you drove back home and by home you meant Mina and not your mother's house.

The following months were more than overwhelming for you, Mina and Alice. Mina and you both applied for less working time at your work, which you also received and you had more time for each other.

That wasn't what overwhelmed you so much, the problem was, that it was pretty difficult for all 3 of you to come to terms with how you felt about each other.

After all, Mina got along best with it because she was the one of you who had been confronted with it the longest.

For her sake you accepted her love for Alice and began to meet the brunette more often and at some point you had to find out that you too were hopelessly in love with Alice.

Alice struggled with it though. The mere fact that she was in love with one woman scared her and then there were two. It was pretty hard for her to put aside all of her lesbian advantages and what her church said about you. Fortunately, Alice's children had different opinions and were glad that their mother was happy again after the divorce.

You and Mina were a little afraid of Alice's extended family, but they had all been nice to you and there was almost nothing better for you than to take care of Alice's grandchildren.

It took a while, but finally Alice also managed to get rid of her inhibitions and give herself completely to you.

And sometimes when you wake up between the two of them, when Mina had her arms wrapped around you from behind and when Alice was cuddled with her head to your chest and you were wondering how all this was even possible, you were probably the happiest person on earth at the same time.

And all you needed for that was the little sunshine in your arms while the red hair of your beautiful protector tickled your face.

[itspdameronthings]

Going Home Chapter 5

Summary: After a pregnancy scare.Apple tries to Santi about it,but he put his foot in his mouth. this chapter is a long one!! hope yall enjoy it.

Warning: fighting and pregnancy scare

Weekend is finally here. Time for resting up from the hectic work week. Not the case for Santi and Apple. She has to work at the ER tonight,and won't be home till the early morning. Santi is babysitting his goddaughter, Mia . For a five month old she is full of energy. He is nervous to no end. Afraid he might hurt her or even give her the wrong food. Frankie gave him a list of things she likes,and what time to feed her. Not to mention her baby food. Also her blanket she sleeps with,and the baby monitor. Santi keeps telling himself” I can do this . no problem. Only two days of this. Apple would be there to help me. “ Speaking of his darling . Who has been working hard. She volunteered to work in the ER since there was a nurse due to the stomach flu. She told him that she would text him from time to time. Before the baby gets here. Went to find his guitar . Just in case he has to sing her to sleep. Or to entertain her while she is in the playpen.

Franke yells for Santi to help him with all of the baby stuff. He needs this time away. Even if it was to teach young army recruits to learn the fine art of flying. Good opportunity for his wife to have a break. Randi comes in with the little baby. Still in her carriage. Sits it on the couch. Looks so cute when she is asleep. Frankie tells Santi,” She will be fine. She just had her bottle. If she cries. Just sing something sweet can't have her grow up listening to metallica.” Santi moans,” aww come on man!! She wants to have a hip uncle.” Frankie just rolled his eyes. Before leaving. Frankie leans down to place a kiss on his daughter’s head,and tells Santi,” Thank you for doing this man. Means a lot. Tell apple jacks hope she does not work too hard.” Santi nods and closes the door very softly so it won't wake her up. He goes over to sit next to the baby. Watching her sleeping so peacefully. Thinking how lucky Frankie is. To have a child. A family. Maybe one day him and Apple can have that as well.

Apple hated lying to her love. How can she tell him that she thought she was pregnant. Took a test that did not seem right. As a nurse. She knows something is not right. Before going to work. She went to her doctor to find out what was going on.According to her doctor’s findings that Apple had a false positive. That made her feel really sad. Thought it would be a nice surprise to tell Santi that he was gonna be a daddy. Since Santi has been spending time with his goddaughter, it's natural for him to have those kinds of thoughts. As soon as she got home. She is gonna tell Santi her sad news. In hopes he does not get mad at her.

On the homefront. Santi is having baby problems. Mia was due for her evening feeding. After giving her a bottle. Santi was burping her,and she spit up on his shirt. Which took him by surprise,” Okay little one. You just made a mess on your uncle. Hope you know that I will be smelling like your dinner. Muchas gracias, little one.” After discarding his messy tee,tries to change her diaper. Thinking he got it round her small body. Picks her up,and the diaper falls down. Mia starts to pee! Poor uncle Santiago, not having a good day. Apple watched that ordeal. Puts a strain on her heart. Seeing him with her broke her heart into millions of pieces. Quietly went upstairs to their room and cried.

After giving the little one a bath.Santi looked out the window to see Apple’s jeep under the carport. That puzzled him.She always calls out to him when she comes home. Something is not right. Soon he puts Mia in her bed,and turns on the monitor, goes into their room to see his darling. Curled up into a ball.Sobbing into her pillow. He lays down behind her,” Hay mi amor, what is the matter? Hard day? Want me to get you something to eat.” She wipes her eyes,” No Santi, Not hungry”Santi brushes a few strands of hair from her face,” Don't shut me out honey. Whatever it is. We can work it out.” She sat up so she could lay her head on his chest. Take a breath,” Before work, I felt like I was gonna puke. Thinking I was pregnant . Took a test. The results were not right. Sooo.. I went to the doctor,and found out it was a false positive!! “ Santi didn't know what to feel right now. Sad that he is not gonna be a dad or she didn't let him go to the appointment with her, Lets out a sigh,” baby, why didnt you fucking tell me about this earlier! Though we were done keeping secrets! “ Apple sits up, starts to pace the floor,” You think it was hard not telling you! I was scared Shooter!! Seeing you with Mia made me think about our future. Feel that we might not have that kind of a miracle!” Santi walks over to her, pulls her into his arms.Let her cry.All he could do is hold her tight. He led her back to bed so he could comfort her. Softly sings to her so she could calm down. While rubbing her shoulder,and placing kisses there,” Apple, thought it was a sign that it is not the time for us to be parents. So don't worry about it so much. We have a little one in the other room we can practice on till then. Won't hurt to keep trying to make a baby.” Apple tried not to get mad,” Santi! You sound like it is your mission to make a baby!! Maybe I don't want to try to get pregnant right after the most sad event of our lives!!” He really put his foot in his mouth again.Caused Apple to get up and go outside so she could be by herself.

After the loud outbursts from the adults. Mia started to cry. Like a flash . Santi rushes over to her, picks her up. Rocking her as he walked around the room looking out the window sees his other baby. Sitting under the huge oak tree. How could he say that to her? All he wanted to do is to make her laugh.Not to make her mad. That thought was dashed when Mia started to cry again,” Guess I just screwed up yet again little one. I love your aunt so much. She is the one for me. Always have been. Not ready to be alone again. Afraid she might leave me. “ She reached to touch his rough cheek. That made him tear up. Soon as he puts the little one back to bed. He calls the one person he could trust.

Apple was not doing better either. So many emotions to deal with.Sad about the test results, mad about Santi’s bad choice of words about making babies. Maybe she is not ready for that. Hoping he would understand if they took a break from having sex. Too many things to think about. So she takes out her phone,and calls Lizzy. After a couple of rings,” Omg! What did Doc Bailey say? Are you or are you not pregnant? “ Apple sobs,” It's a false positive! Told Santi about it. He was so hurt about the news ,and pissed that I didn't let him go to the appointment. Then he had the audacity to say that he wants to keep trying to have a baby! After what I went through. Maybe I don't want to rush that just yet.Lizzy sighs,” Honey, have you two ever talked about having a baby? If not? No time like the present to do this. He loves you so much girl! “ Apple took her friend’s advice to heart. Looked up to see Santi watching her from the upstairs window.

Santi was on the phone with Frankie. Pacing around like a caged animal. He is beyond scared. Frankie said,” Dude! Number one you really put your size 10 foot in your mouth. Sometimes you need to see this situation through her perspective. Apple jacks is scared. Just love her Santi, just love her. Show her that there is more to your relationship that just sex. I know that is not the case.I forgot. We are coming home early. Weather is going to be bad tomorrow. “ Santi sighs,” Are y'all in town?” Frankie says,” we are at the diner. Why don't you bring Mia with you. So we can have a family dinner. Might do you some good.” Soon as he got off the phone with Frankie. Packed up a sleeping Mia,and put her in her carrier. Little does that he know. Apple is gonna join them too. Randi just got off the phone with Apple. Both of them are about to walk into an ambush.

Soon as he got Mia all situated in his truck. Noticed Apple’s jeep is gone. Pays no mind to it. Thinking she might have gone out to get something. While driving. He was thinking about the time they spent together. Got him to tear up again,” Come on Santi! Focus! Do what Fish said “think about her feelings . then sees Apple’s jeep! Thinking she is there to get some take out. No! Sees her with both Randi and Frankie! Broke his heart to see her leaning on Frankie’s shoulder . Crying. Santi takes a breath, goes inside, takes a seat behind them. Frankie nudges his wife for her to look behind her,'' See you made it safely. Give me my baby! OH have I missed you! Wearing a small Metallica tee? Santi really.” Apple looked up from Frankie’s shoulder. Caused her to bail. Santi punched his friend’s shoulder,” This was a setup!! What is the deal! “ Randi speaks up,” Call what you want. You two have an issue that needs to be dealt with! So go!” Santi went outside to catch up with Apple. As soon she gets inside of her jeep. Santi knocks on the window,” sweetheart, I want to tell you that I'm a dick about your feelings. Never wanted to hurt you. Talking to our friends made me realize that. Yes, being with Mia made me think about us having a family. Something we never had the chance to discuss. So let's do that okay? Come out so we can figure out what to do.``Apple got out of the jeep,and Santi pulls her close.Rocking her back and forth. After a few moments, she finally calms down. He kissed her tears that fell onto her cheeks. Apple whispers” Glad that you finally see what my mind was going through. Yes, we have never discussed the family thing,I want the same thing,but lets not try to make it the reason for us to have sex Santi. Give me time to process this. Then we could start again. Can you do that for me Santi? Can you wait?” Santi placed both of his hands on her cheeks,” Of course mi amor anything you want. Was afraid that you would leave me! Could bare the thought of that tore me up. “ she kissed his lips, tasted the salty tear,” Why would I do that? We had another fight. So what! Couples fight. So let me get through your thick head Mr. Garcia. I'm not going nowhere!” He pulls her towards the diner and sees Frankie giving him a thumbs up sign.

[steen-to-live-life]

If you know us, please dont say anything to family, we are going to talk to them on the weekend.

So I dont know what I've shared with you all but you all know weve been struggling to conceive a baby. This will be long..

THE BEGINNING

We started trying in July last year, I have had very regular cycles since day 1 off the pill, 5 months later I went to the doctor about my stomach pain and in april I had my 9mm cyst removed. In March we found out Joel sperm was fine - amazing surprise considering he has cancer, and did a range of bloods- all fine too.

Anyway, april came - cyst removed, GP referred us to the fertility clinic and we had our first appointment in august.

FERTILITY CLINIC

Fertility doc did an ultrasound and said 'hmm, you have a small amount of left ovarian tissue but it's very hard to find'.. soo cyst removal also meant half the ovary removed and they had told me after surgery it went well!!

Anyway, I had to pay $100 for a blood test that checks your AMH levels, your ovarian reserve. My result came out not what we wanted - its the level of a 43 year old - it meant my time was ticking. He pretty much said we needed to take a proactive approach.

So 2 months on clomid (this shit is awful awful.. I had terrible headaches, I didnt sleep at night because of hot flushes and I was so low), 2 'perfect' rounds (with 3 follicles and timed sex) and still no two lines.

IVF

In November we began IVF..gotta be proactive right. We knew with my ovarian reserve we wouldnt get many eggs.. many my age get 12-30, we were aiming for 5.. which after 15 days of injection is what we got. 5 little, very expensive eggs, these became 2 the next day and I seriously thought our round was over.. however

We transferred a 'perfect grade' on day 3 (last sunday) and the other was left till day 5. Amazingly it made it to top grade so we are very proud to have that in the freezer.

Today we found out our day 3 officially failed. Once again, we are still not pregnant and we are sad, we are really sad and hurting. We knew IVF wasnt a guarantee but we felt hopeful and so this fukn sucks.

DECISIONS

Now we have a decision to make - do we drop another $17k on another IVF cycle to have some frozen for in the future knowing that next time our IVF results will be a worse because my reserve is going to get lower and lower.

Or do we transfer embie in March and then if it sticks we have the risk of possibly having one child (or spending many many many more thousands to possibly get another). But as we are unexplained we may still conceive naturally anyway but we also may not. Pretty much we would have to try straight after baby is born, and if it worked earlier than expected we would financially be in crap (but at least not another IVF round haha).

FEELINGS

I'm angry and hurt about it all. Its getting harder and harder to see my friends with kids knowing how easy they have had it to conceive that child while we are spending thousands, crying a lot of tears and having a crap load of heart ache to try and get one very very wanted baby. And of course I dont want to feel angry but I do. Its crappy, it really is.

Tbh, I want to give up. I dont want my heart to break anymore, I dont want Joel's heart to break anymore, telling him the test was negative was the hardest thing I had to do through this whole IVF journey- harder than injections, blood tests, ultrasounds, egg collection pain, days of school, the mind fuk of it all.. breaking his hearts the worse. I feel like I've let him down, like its my fault. Its shit.

SUMMARY

That's what's happening for us.. 19 negative cycles, a failed round of IVF, my ovaries are a ticking time bomb, we are spending money we need to build a house (but dont need a house without kids), and our relationship is getting tested but is thankfully getting stronger and stronger.

First cancer, then a cyst removal in lock down (lol its minor but leads to the situation we are in now) and now infertility 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I dunno guys, it just feels like our child is so close but also so so far away.

[anythingandeverything1d]

Kicks and Catch Ups

Chapter 1: Congratulations Chapter 2: I’m having your baby Chapter 3: Plum Sized

It had been a few months since Harry moved in, and well things were not as great as the idea had originally seemed. You loved Harry, but he was being difficult to work with on a lot of levels. One being Luke. Harry and Luke did not get along in any kind of way. Harry thought Luke was trying to take his place and make moves on you. You were laying in bed while Harry was downstairs writing and your brain was thinking about the fight that had occurred a few weeks ago.

* “Harry I’m going out to lunch with Luke and then we were going to go look at some baby stuff. I should be home later okay?”

“Whatever.” Harry sighed rolling his eyes. You groaned and walked over to him.

“Harry, remember when we agreed to talk things out not hold them in? You need to tell me if somethings bothering you...”

“You want to know what's bothering me? How about the fact that you are trying to hold onto this-this fling or whatever the two of you had while I was gone. You go out with him all the time and he's coming to all our appointments and now he's taking you shopping for OUR baby? If you want him, have him but I’m out.”

You sat on his lap and held his cheeks in your hand. “Haz the only one I want is you. Luke is just my FRIEND. That’s it. He's going to be like an uncle to the baby and I want him to feel involved in everything. There is absolutely nothing going on with Luke and I. I promise.” You kissed his lips softly but he wasnt having it. Luke happened to walk in that moment as well.

“Hey beautiful ready to go?”

Harry shot him a wicked glance and pushed you off his lap, standing to walk over to Luke. You ran up behind him and pulled him back. “Harry. Harry look at me.” He slowly turned and you reached your hands around his neck and kissed him softly. “I love you.” you whispered. 

Harry sighed and kissed your cheek. He then grabbed your coat and helped you into it. Looking at Luke he threatened, “Make a move and I will destroy you.” You smacked his arm in response. He dramatically kissed you again before whispering “I love you” back. “Take care of my girl.”

“I always do.” Luke smirked and held out his hand. You were annoyed with everything happening here so you brushed past it and walked to the car. In the car Luke decided to play it up. “Why are you even with him. He’s a fucking asshole. He’s just going to leave you when the baby gets here, go back on tour, fuck another random bitch at a bar and leave you AND your baby here and heartbroken. I mean seriously (y/n) how stupid are you with letting him back in like this. He’s a possessive and manipulative dick.” You looked over at him with tears in your eyes. He knew he had over stepped but said nothing. 

“Let me out of the car.”

“What? No. That’s ridiculous.”

“Luke let me out now.” 

“(y/n) I’m not going to just let you out of the car.”

“Stop and unlock the door. I want out now.”

“Youre being dramatic-”

“LET ME OUT.” you were crying now and Luke saw that the argument was over. He pulled over to the sidewalk and you jumped out. “Don't call me until youre ready to apologize.” You slammed the door shut and started the walk back home. It was chilly that day so you had called Harry, who had immediately come to pick you up. You cried in his arms about everything Luke had said and how you were afraid he was going to leave you and the baby. 

“I’m not going anywhere. If I go on tour, you and the baby will come too. We can make this work love I promise.” *

You shook your head and cleared the thoughts. Luke hadn't come over or called since. Harry had been a little better since then, more supportive, a little less jealous, and overall more like the Harry you had originally fallen in love with. When Harry moved in the two of you had agreed not to date or make something of the situation. You wanted to feel everything out, work on the problems that you had before and see where you were at. You still weren't dating or ready to be dating, but you were in a much better place. Besides the arguing- but being stuck together for long periods of time would do that to you. Harry was currently writing and working on his second album which meant that he was working all the time. He would spend hours upon hours in meetings with other writers. You loved that he was doing what he loved but you also wished he would be a little more present in the baby preparations. Helping with the nursery, purchasing clothes, all of that. 

The one person who had been way more supportive was Anne, Harry’s mom. She was even throwing you a baby shower this weekend with the help of Gemma, his sister. You were excited, you just wished Harry was too. You climbed out of bed and wandered downstairs. Harry looked up and smiled as you approached. He grabbed your hand and pulled you onto his lap. “Want to hear what I’ve been working on?” You nodded and smiled. He held up the page of lyrics and began singing. “I’m in my bed, and youre not here, and theres no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands, forget what I said, Its not what I meant, And I cant take it back, I cant unpack the baggage you left, What am I now? What am I now? What if I’m someone I don't want around? I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling, What if I’m down? What if I’m out? What if I’m someone you won't talk about? I’m falling again, I’m falling again, I’m falling” He looked at you and wiped a tear from your eye.

“That’s beautiful H”

“It’s how I felt...you know...after we broke up. I regretted everything...I wanted to make it up to you but I didnt know how. I guess this little one is to thank for bringing you back into my life.” You were crying harder now. Harry hadn't really expressed any emotions like this in a while especially about him leaving. “Don't cry (y/n)...I’m sorry. I shouldn't have-”

“No.” you wiped your eyes and smiled. “I’m glad you are talking about it.” You kissed him. “I’m really glad youre back in my life Harry. I really missed you.” You laughed and wiped his tears.

“Now you’ve got me crying.” He laughed and kissed you. 

“Oh!” you exclaimed making him jump a little. “Harry its happening!” You grabbed his hand and positioned it on your stomach where you had just felt a kick. The baby had been very active lately but Harry always seemed to miss the kicks. He still hadn't felt one. You moved his hand around. “Come on little one...” You watched Harry’s face as the baby kicked. His mouth dropped open, a smile formed, dimples and everything. He was crying harder now too. You laughed, “That was a good one.”

“I think that was a futbol kick” He laughed. You wiped his tears and touched your nose to his with a smile. “God, this little one is going crazy right now.” Harry was in awe. He kept touching your belly and talking to it. 

“I think our little one likes your singing..” 

He smiled and started singing, “Lately I found myself thinking, been dreaming about you a lot, and up in my head im your boyfriend, but thats one thing you've already got” He smiled at you. “Come on (y/n), I know you know the lyrics.”

“He drives to school every morning, while I walk alone in the rain, he’d kill me without any warning, if he took a look in my brain.”

Harry chimed in, “Would he say he's in L-O-V-E? Well if it was me then I would, I would, Would he hold you when youre feeling low? Baby you should know that I would, I would.” You laughed as the baby did another big kick. This is exactly what you had imagined being pregnant with Harry would be like. Someone knocked at the door and you jumped up to get it. 

“Hey” Luke was standing at the door with a shy smile and a bouquet of flowers. 

“Hey.” You said back.

“Can we talk?” You nodded and let him in where he followed you to the kitchen. Harry rolled his eyes and got up to leave. “No, Harry wait. I wanted to talk to both of you.”

You sat down next to Harry and Luke sat across from you. You all just stared at each other for a few minutes before Luke sighed. “I’m sorry. My behavior was embarrassing and out of control. (y/n) what I said to you...I’m so sorry. I never should have done that and Harry? Man I’m sorry I didnt give you another chance when you came back. Look okay, (y/n) youre my best friend, like my little sister. I didnt want to see you hurt the way you were when he left the first time.” He looked at Harry and shook his head. “Harry you don't deserve her. She's the purest, kindest, and best person I know. But youre still here, youre still trying and I respect that. I hope you work everyday to try to deserve her.”

Harry nodded. “I don't deserve her. Youre right there. She's incredible and the things I’ve done...” you squeezed his hand gently. “Ive been working on making myself better for her. I don't want to hurt her or the baby ever again. I respect you caring for her, for looking out for her, and for being there when I wasnt. But I am back now so I just feel like you were trying to out do me when I was already trying so hard.”

Luke nodded, “I’m sorry man, I overstepped. It won't happen again.” He looked back to you. “(y/n) I overstepped our friendship boundaries and Im sorry. I shouldn't have done that.” 

“Its okay...I know you were trying to help..”

“I was but I said some things that never should have been said. I don't know anything about the two of yours relationship and I’m not sure I really want to” He laughed and smiled at you, “But I really really miss you. Can we fix things?”

You got up and hugged him tightly. “I missed you too.” Luke smiled and held out his hand to Harry.

“Truce?”

Harry nodded and shook the hand. “You should stay for dinner, I’m sure theres a lot to catch up on.” 

Luke smiled and nodded. “Is that the latest picture?” He looked at the fridge where the ultrasound pictures were hanging. 

“Yeah thats from yesterday.” You said walking over. “Finally entering my third trimester..”

“Thats so crazy...it looks like an actual baby now. Is it? Did you find out the gender?”

Harry walked over and shook his head, “We decided to wait..Im pretty sure its a girl though.” Luke laughed.

“What do you think?” 

“I think its a boy.”

“So you both think its something else. Who's gonna be upset when they are wrong?” He asked laughing.

“Harry.” You wrapped an arm around his waist and smiled.

“Probably me.” He agreed. “Ive always wanted a girl. Plus I just think a mini (y/n) would be adorable.”

“It would for sure. I think its a girl too but only because I know (y/n) wants a boy.”  Luke said laughing. You rolled your eyes and smiled. This is how things should've been the whole time.

“So I’m starving...what’s for dinner?”

“What do you want?” Harry asked.

“Yeah youre the pregnant one. What sounds good today?”

“Well honestly pickles and peanut butter sound really good.”

Harry gagged and Luke laughed. “That sounds absolutely disgusting.”

“If thats what you want babe...” Luke shot Harry a surprised glance.

“No..thats not fair to the two of you...how about pizza?”

Relief flooded both of their faces and they nodded. “I’ll order.” Harry said grabbing his phone and leaving you and Luke alone in the kitchen.

“So how have you been?” he asked.

“Good. I mean I’ve been really tired a lot but I also haven't been sleeping well so thats probably part of the problem. I just cant get comfy at night and when I try to sleep the baby gets all active and awake.”

“Well thats no fun. How have things with Harry been?”

You sighed sitting down and rubbing your belly. “We have really good days and some bad days. Things have gotten a lot better lately and today was kind of perfect. I think he's settling back into the idea of everything.”

“Are you and him....you know..a thing..or dating..or what's going on there.”

You bit your lip, “I don't know exactly... I mean I want to be more but we originally agreed just to see what happened..but now? I just feel like I know Harry’s the one. I know I’ll never love a guy the way I love him. And I want things to work with us and the baby. I want us to be a family. I just don't know where he stands.”

“Have you asked him?”

“No...I just don't want to ruin what we have already.” You decided you didnt want to talk anymore about this so you changed the subject. “How’s the girl you've been going out with?”

“She's good. Yeah, I really like her. You’ll have to meet her sometime.”

You smiled. “I’d love that. We could double date. That could be fun!”

“Maybe.” He laughed shaking his head. “That might be a little weird.”

“Why?”

“Because one, youre pregnant and two your dating Harry Styles, and three your pregnant with his baby. That’s a lot for any normal person to take in.” he laughed.

“I think we should go for it.” 

“We’ll see.”

Harry walked back in with a smile on his face. He kissed your head and sat in the chair next to you. “What are you two laughing at?”

“I want us to double date with Luke’s new girlfriend.”

“Oh that would be fun.” Harry nodded. 

“I don't know.” Luke said laughing more.

“The pizza will be here shortly. Luke if you want to call and invite her over..”

“No-No thats okay..”

“No, Luke invite her! She's probably upset you cant hang out tonight because youre here..”

“Eh..I mean are you guys sure?”

You and Harry nodded. “Go for it.”

You smiled and clapped your hands together. “Yay! Its been so long since we've done anything like this!” Harry smiled and nodded looking down. 

“I should probably put on clothes.”

Luke nodded and you laughed, “I don't know H, you look pretty hot to me.” You wiggled your eyes and kissed you while laughing. 

“How hot?”

“Okay gross.” Luke chimed in breaking up the moment. “Aren't you pregnant and like not supposed to get all like that?”

“You mean horny?” Harry asked laughing. “I mean if anything (y/n) has been way more interested lately than before. Our sex life is kind of killing it right now.”

Luke shuddered and you laughed as he looked you up and down. “How exactly does that work with the...with the belly and the baby?”

“Oh trust me Lucas, its a lot hotter than youre imagining.” Harry laughed as he walked upstairs to put on a shirt.

Luke was still grossed out by it but picked up the phone and read the text he got. “She's going to come..”

“Yay! I’m excited!” you groaned. “Ugh this baby definitely makes things interesting.”

“You good?” Luke asked concerned.

“Yeah, sometimes it just kicks against my bladder and you know.”

“Know what?” he asked confused.

“Sometimes I just pee a little.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“Thats disgusting. Okay please don't bring up youre baby sex life and pee problems to Maddie.”

You laughed. “Oh the baby is kicking again want to feel?”

He nodded so you grabbed his hand and placed it where the baby was kicking. He felt it and jumped back. You laughed. Harry’s reaction was adorable, exactly what you had expected him to act like. Luke’s was not. Luke seemed a little grossed out by the baby kicking. He said he was good when you asked if he wanted to feel again which only made you laugh harder. A knock at the door broke the laughing and Harry who was already walking down the stairs answered it. 

“Hey.” He said with a smile. The girl looked a little taken back and you walked forward.

“You must be Maddie?”

“Yeah..” She was still looking at Harry surprised.

“Luke’s inside, come on in. I’m (y/n).” she shook your hand with a smile and looked down at your belly but didnt say anything. “This is Harry.” Harry smiled and waved hi before leading her into the kitchen to where Luke was waiting. 

“Mads Hey!” He walked over and gave her a hug. “Sorry I assumed it was the pizza or I would've answered the door. Well I guess you've met (y/n) and Harry?”

“Yeah.” she smiled at him. She was probably thinking why he didnt warn her Harry Style was going to be there as well. “Its nice to meet you.” 

“The pizza!” Harry shouted running to the door when someone knocked. A few minutes later he came back carrying a few boxes of pizza and breadsticks. “Dig in everyone.”

Harry made you a plate with 4 huge pieces of pizza and you laughed. “Haz, I don't need that much..”

“The baby needs to eat...shes going to be a futbul star remember?”

You just laughed and took a bite. Dinner flew by, you and Harry were asking Luke and Maddie all kinds of questions about their relationship. You liked Maddie, she would keep Luke in his place and challenge him a bit which is what he needed. After dinner they excused themselves and left. Luke hugged you tightly whispering goodbye to the baby and then shook Harry’s hand. Maddie waved goodbye. You and Harry were left. You hugged him tightly and smiled.

“What?” He asked looking down at you, his green eyes sparkling.

“I’m just happy.” you answered. “I’m happy with our relationship...I’m happy that Luke is back. All of it.”

“Im happy too.” Harry kissed your nose and smiled. “Luke may not be that bad after all.”

---

Kind of a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy! Stay tuned for the next one!

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would react to you being pregnant. (obvs jackie’s pregnant in her scenario.)

Jackie Varma:

god she’d be pissed!!!!!!

“what do you mean positive??? check the other ten tests!!!!”

“jack, all of them say posi-“ “shut up!!!”

she’d be mad, mostly at herself for not being careful enough

pregnancy on top of money problems is rough

good thing you two already live together

wouldnt acknowledge it until she started showing

“dr varma, ure pregnant???” “yeah, just ignore it.”

shed ignore you at the beginning, not knowing what to do

“jackie, c’mon, you cant keep ignoring me! it takes to two to tango!” “i can and i will,”

when you finally force her to come shopping for baby clothes, supplies, furniture etc, she loves it

“omg look how adorable! can you believe our baby’s feet are this small!”

she’d become insecure further into the pregnancy

“what if im not going to be a good mom, hm?”

“don’t say that, jack, you’ll be a great mom,”

you two would move into the your room, since it had a better view and change her room into a nursery

the boys would help you put everything together.

“bryce, that’s not where its supposed to be- ykw forget it.”

“jesus, dr ramsey do you even know how to-“ bryce would shut up just seeing ethan give him a glare

“see i knew raf would come around to save the day” she’d flirt with him, making him blush

cutest mood swings ever!!!

“all im saying is he’s a fucking jerk and i- ohhh sienna are those donuts?”

jackie would get stressed at the weirdest moments, and you kiss her and cuddle with her to calm her down

“mc, you know i hate kids, why did this have to happen to us!!!!”

she’d slowly come to terms with the fact that she was going to become a parent

god giving birth would scare this woman, and trust me not a lot of things scare her

“mc, what if-“ “jack, breath, everything will be fine!”

when you two found out you’d have a daughter she smiled

“at least i wont have to deal with a little mc” she’d joke

when she got in labour she’d curse at everyone!!!

“AND YOU! YOU MC ARE THE WORST ONE HERE! GETTING ME PREGNANT AND THAN MAKING ME DO THE HARD PART I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

“uhhh....”

after a couple of years, the three of you would move into a bigger apartment, still close to the hospital

god, your daughter absolutely lovessssssssss aunt sienna and uncle elijah!!!! these two dorks would hang around with her all the time

“dad, can i stay at aunt sienna’s after school?”

“she’s working today sweetheart but mommy will be there to pick you up”

you two would have some sweet, annoying nicknames for her

love, sweetheart, sugar, honey etc

Bryce Lahela:

he’d be excited and scared

he would freeze when he found the positive pregnancy test in his trashcan

“i wanted to tell you but seems like you already found out,”

he’d shut you out and be less loud at work

“bryce, please talk to me” “uhh, cant have a long shift today”

but one day you’d show up to his apartment, keiki opened the door

“oh hey keiki, is bryce home?” “yeah come in”

youd try to get him to talk but man he was not feeling it

“i just need some space mc,”

wouldnt even take a week for him to come over and apologize to you

“im just not sure if i’d make a good dad, i mean i had two bad examples growing up, what if i-“

youd cut him off with a kiss

“no need to stress, bryce, im certain you will make a great dad!”

you two would have to look for a bigger place, and also someone to fill your spot at the apartment

sienna, elijah and jackie would help you decorate the nursery

“jackie those colours do not match with the blankets i bought” sienna would say while jackie just rolled her eyes

“well maybe you shouldn’ve bought so! many! blankets!” jackie said while holding up multiple blankets

“guys please its mc and bryce’s child we can’t fight over this” elijah was the only one who would think rationally

when you found out you were having a son bryce almost jumped into the air

“a little bryce,,,,” he’d say with heart eyes, making you roll your eyes

when you went into labour, he’d be the one freaking out

“can’t believe im saying this when im the one in labour, but good god bryce calm down!”

uncle raf!!!!! aunt kyra!!!!!

rafael and kyra would absolutely adore your son!!!! theyd fight over whose turn it was to babysit

“kyra, you had him last weekend!” “but mc said he always talks about how fun aunt kyra is!”

“why dont you two take him to the park together? he loves both aunt kyra and uncle rafael equally” bryce would say, making the two adults reluctantly agree

“finally a moment alone with the woman of my dreams” he said the second they left, making you chuckle

keiki would hang out with your son. occasionally.

“aunt keiki can you read me a bedtime story?” “right. im aunt keiki.”

she’d love it secretly

Rafael Averio: (pretending sora doesnt exist here lol)

this man would beam with joy!!!

he had always dreamt of having a big family of his own

“youre pregnant?” “yeah.... i-“ he’d kiss you before you could even say anything else

would brag to everyone about it

“do you guys know im goin-“ “going to be a dad? yes raf you told us like a million times” his paramedic friends would say

it was even funnier when you saw how some people avoided him because of it

would not leave ur side

“jesus ever heard of personal space?” “oops sorry”

he’d be at ur apartment all the time

“raf, not that we don’t enjoy you being here but don’t you idk have other friends?” jackie would try to get him out of the house

sienna’d be fine with it since he would help her cook n bake stuff

“i didnt know you cooked!” “not really just some stuff i picked up from my grandma”

he’d sleep over at your apartment

when you got insecure he’d talk to you and make u forgot about it in a certain way ;)

“what if im not a good mom? or what if your fanily doesn’t approve of me?? oh good god this is not going how i imagined-“ “relax, you know my family loves you, now get over here”

you’d move in with him, and get someone to fill ur spot in the apartment

the two of you going to the senior center together!!!

“now edith you better not get to comfortable” you’d joke, earning a laugh from rafael

kyra and bryce would come over and help with the nursery, of course it was after the boys’ gym day so bryce dragged ethan with them

“hey gu- oh hey dr ramsey!” you’d say with a bright smile when you opened the front door.

“kyra not that i dont love you but what even is this?” “yeah i tried to make a blanket but as you can see it backfired”

“uhm ethan you sure that this is the color we picked out?” bryce would panic, knowing damn well they didnt do the one you asked them to do right

“well good thing aunt kyra did got the good color” she’d go get it from the car while the two men started at her in confussion

when you found out you were having a girl he got super excited

“a little mc running around the house” he’d say, already coming up with names

when you’d go into labour he’d put up a calm gentle persona while in reality he wanted to screammmmm

uncle bryce n aunt jackie!!!

u cant tell me bryce n raf havent become close friends

“hey dad can uncle bryce and aunt jackie stay for dinner?” “sweetie youre ignoring the rest of our guests”

even tho they would admit it bryce and jackie loved babysitting her

“do you want to come with uncle bryce?” “bryce thats enough its MY day!”

his family would come around often, bringing gifts every single time

his grandma would try to get him to propose, earning glares from him

when your daughter heard juliana say something along the lines of “when is the wedding” she’d get super excited!!!

“are you two really getting married??!!”

Ethan Ramsey:

you two would already be in an awkward position bc of the gwyneth thing

what was worse was that he admitted to not wanting to get married and have children

god, that little fight on the way to leland and at house took a toll on you, so when june came to check on you back in the hospital you told her

“so, youre pregnant?” “yeah” you’d sob

she wouldnt force you to tell her who the dad is, but it was obvious

before the fight you’d always come to the diagnostics team’s meetings with a smile on your face but now it was a neutral face or sometimes even a frown

soooo ethan found out. not directly from you, but from june, resulting in another fight

“you told june but not me?” “you dont even want kids i cant just casually bring it up!”

the awkwardness would be there for a while, im talking 2-3 months

“enough already! you two talk this out! not only is this bad enough for the two of you but also for me and baz! think about us! and our patients!” june’d snap one day

you’d talk it out, still awkward around each other

“jesus, ethan we can’t keep doing this, i have an appointment to check on the little one, you want to join?” you would try to keep the awkwardness at a certain level, he’d nod with a smile on his face

so when he found out he was having a son, he’d be happy, still very scared but very happy

“im sorry, mc. i acted as a jerk and didnt listen to your needs. i want to be in your and our baby’s lives.”

he’d ask you to move in with him, which you reluctantly agreed to, i mean there wasnt even enough space for a nursery in your apartment

sienna would invite herself and elijah over to help you with the nursery , since they knew about you two since that time after the hearing

“thank you, trinh,” ethan would say as he accepted the cookies she had baked

“i helped too. just so you know” elijah chimed in, earning a chuckle from you

god labour was the worst, you had to do an emergency c section since it was a bit too early for the baby to be born

so when they send your son off to the nicu, ethan would be there the whole time, very worried

“dr ramsey, you should go we’ll take care of him” the nurses would try to get him out of there with no luck, “no its fine i just want to stay here”

when you two could finally go home he would make sure to never youre side

“mc do you need anything? want me to bring you something to drink? maybe an extra blanke-“ “ethan shut uppppppppppppppppp its 3 am”

of course your friends would come over but not as often since they had to take care of their interns and stuff

uncle baz and aunt june!!!!!

“AUNT JUNE!!!!” he’d yell when you, june and baz picked him up from the daycare at the hospital

“wow so youre just ignoring uncle baz?” baz would act hurt, making the boy laugh

[bellasharifuddin]

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha. 

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

[dog-teeth]

I’m looking into starting hrt through planned parenthood and I read that you did it through them too. What was your experience like with them? (Good, bad, etc.)

my experience was awesome! everyone at pp was really amazing and helpful. usually i have a lot of anxiety going to the doctors, but pp is much better than the average medical environment. i didnt get misgendered or have to do anything i was uncomfortable with etc. all the people there from the person at reception to the person who took my vitals to the person who wrote my prescription were all so so wonderful! i only had 2 appointments (1 to get my prescription and test my blood initially and a follow up a few months later to check my levels and get my big prescription to take to college) but both times were super easy and had no issues.

the only problem is that pp is very busy (at least in my city) so booking appointments takes a while in advance. i got extremely lucky, i went in person to ask about an appointment and the person at reception said it would be like a month before they had availability, but she told me someone hadnt confirmed their appointment for the upcoming weekend and if they didnt confirm then i could take their spot, and that ended up happening so i got an appointment within a few days.

they were very very willing to write my prescription, i did informed consent (though i do also have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from my therapist for future medical transition) they just asked a few questions abt my experience being trans and talked with me abt the effects and methods (injection vs gel etc) i could use and then we decided on a dose and method and they wrote me a prescription right away.

i literally walked into my appointment and was doing my first shot like two hours later, it was incredible how fast it happened!

if you want to do it through pp i suggest booking your appointment asap cuz like i said the one downside was their lack of availability. other than that though i highly recommend it, the people running the clinics are all very committed to helping you get what you want like they really just wanna help u, i felt super comfortable and taken care of

[you-did-well-moon]

questions tag :))

i was tagged by the lovely @bearboyunho thank uuuu

relationships: I was in one for a maximum of three hours dkejek. Ill explain in the breakup question. This is definitely not a relationship im proud of. It caused me too many problems considering how short it was...

break-ups: I have so many trust issues and insecurities, i think i still have a long way to grow before i can enter a relationship, besides i havent met anyone yet. I didn't lead this person on, i treated him as a friend. And i usually spent more time with him since we were both in track. He caught feelings for me which i honestly knew about but i didnt say anything bc i didnt have feelings for him. One day during lunch with all my friends at the time he asked for a relationship. He later confessed to me he did this on purpose because he knew i would feel bad saying no to him, and that paired with the pressure of my friends, i said yes. He held my hand, and it just didn't feel right. Everything didnt feel right. So three hours later i got him alone and told him i wasnt ready for a relationship but that we could still be friends. He took it relatively well, but he avoided me. His cousin confronted me and told me he cried all weekend, but she said she understood and that she was glad i said no in the end which i was confused about but didnt question just wanting to leave it behind. Then it all started the next year. Out of nowhere he texted me, which was ???? Bc i never gave him my number, but i talked to him believing he was doing this on friendly intentions. lol i was a dumbass. Later my friend revealed to me he had lied to her and said i was paired up with him during a project. I also found out he asked her for pictures of me. His cousin which im friends with also told me she was sure he was not befriending me on good intentions, and that she was creeped out by him. My friends had continuously told me he would speak about me as if we were together to other people, and that he stared at me for weird periods of time. At this point im fucking scared and confront him and say i dont want to be friends with him and that i dont think us talking or being friends is healthy for either one of us. He continued texting me, making me feel bad when i didnt respond asking me if i hated him i had to eventually block him. He gave me a present on both valentines and Christmas which i rejected but he forced me to accept them. After class i always packed up my stuff slowly bc i had a good relationship with my teacher and talked to her. He stood in front of me and just stared at me while i packed. We actually had a kpop club, and one day he showed up. I was part of student council, and at the middle of the year he started attending. He sent me kpop memes to try to get my attention. I felt so unsafe i told my English teacher. Eventually he gave up when i started being firmer in my silence and overall attitude towards him. so yeah.... a relationship that didnt even last a day caused all this. I genuinely wish i had been more careful. The red flags were there from the beginning and i tried ignoring them bc i wanted to be nice. Dont do that, if someone maked you uncomfortable please dont feel bad and cut them off for as long as you need to. Anyways- nExT quEstiOn.

kids: i dont have any but i want twins so badly it's stupid. I honestly dont mind having kids that aren't twins. I just want two tbh. A girl and boy.

brothers and sisters: i have one sister who's five years younger than me. Im very close with my two cousins tho so theyre like sister to me too. They're older than me by more than five years.

pets: i have three dogs. Two shih tzus Otis and Bella, Bella is mother to Otis. He's the only puppy we kept from when Bella had puppies. I have Rocky a very clumsy english bulldog. I also have a beta fish called Suho.

surgeries: Ive had two. One when i was four to get my tonsils removed because i got sick a lot, and last year i got my gallbladder removed because i had gall stones. That one was so painful i couldnt laugh or do anything without everything hurting.

tattoos: None but i would like one. Not big ones, just small meaningful ones.

countries i’ve been to: Mexico....i miss it

been in an airplane: my family is not in the class where we can take an airplane to travel or even travel to other states. Ive only been on it twice for a contest i won.

been in an ambulance: Twice as much as i can remember. Once for my sister who had a really bad seizure when i took her to a doctors appointment and the other when they had to transport me to another hospital when they first found out i had gall stones.

i sing karaoke: no but you can usually find me singing along to a song on the radio or randomly around my house.

ice skating: I would love to try. The closest ive gotten is rollerblading. I can't do any fancy tricks but i can balance, but oh no i havent gone in such a long time. My poor rollerblades are collecting dust in my garage.

been on a cruise: ..... this is a joke right? Let me have enough money to buy groceries first.

driven a motorcycle: ah i would really like a motorcycle, but no never.

ridden a horse: Lolol all the time. When i was young my uncle helped out at some stables that were literally at the end of my street snd and he always took me a long with him. A lot of my family especially in Mexico and in the valley have ranchos which means they have horses and you can usually find me hanging out with the lovely animals.

stayed in a hospital: I once went because my head was killing me and i found out it was migraines. I had gall stones for seven months and stayed in the hospital about two times a month so yeah i was there a lot. And for the surgery of course.

favorite fruit or berry: Watermelon and Guayaba. Also green grapes.

favorite color: peach and aqua.

last text: "ye ok" it was from me to my cousin since i was gonna go to her house but she was with my grandma who tested positive for covid so we both decided it would be safer for me to keep my distance.

coffee or tea: coffee. i need it to survive. As long as it has sugar im ok. But tea is great for when my stomach hurts. I just prefer coffee. I could drink it any hour.

favorite pie: Pecan, especially with ice cream its so good. Key lime isnt bad either.

favorite pizza: i dont really care? I like all of them but when i was little and we'd go to the mall my dad would always get this big pizza that was big enough to have things stuffed inside it and it tasted so good. Its a good memory.

cat or dog: dog but i really want a cat.

favorite time of year: Chritmas and Thanksgiving always. I love it. Especially Christmas when my family gathers together and we play games and everyone brings a traditional Mexican dish. We stay until like 4 am and its always great.

met a star: That one woman who had an affair with george bush. I met her. That doesnt really count. Yeah no one, i met basketball players but i dont remember from which team or who they were. I met ted cruz. Cool story tho my english teacher knew one of shinee's choreographers.

flown a helicopter:..... umm. nO..

been on tv: Nah. Probably in the backround of some news things.

broken my leg: no ive never broken a bone surprisingly.

seen a ghost: i had sleep paralysis it was close enough.

been sick in a taxi: never even been in a taxi. Ive been on a uber tho.

Tags: @doyoungbunnyagenda @butterflybam @brighttragedy @saturnsluna @waterfallsandrosebuds @jooheonyonehunnit @leecherryyong

[thevmontgomery]

Montgomery Family Values

After Rocky’s vigil, Vanessa comes home to gather a few things and is unfortunately met with a Montgomery sibling meeting.

included: @montgomery-malachai triggers: homophobia, rocky’s death, slut shaming, 

Vanessa: There were few situations Vanessa ever felt like she didn't have any control, there was only ever one that she's ever truly felt powerless: when it was her and her brothers. Vanessa had only came home to get a few things knowing that their father would be out, but caught her eldest brother Nate staring back at her with disappointment in his eyes as she was instructed to follow him to the dining room table, Kai already sitting there. She hadn't been home since she ran away and Vanessa knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to face her family. Her family that changed the locks on her, her family that took her son from him took every piece of existence of the boy out of the house, the family that made her feel like she didn't exist the majority of her life. Vanessa sat down across from Kai, not bothering to make eye contact.

kai: Kai hardly had a relationship with his eldest sibling, even when they were younger, he had always been closer to Vanessa. Something about Nate being able to bring out the almost submissive puppy in Kai, always breaking the hard exterior he built up as their conversation went. He had been sitting in the living room, his brothers eyes on him when they heard Vanessa pull up. Kai getting sent to sit at the dining table, popping one of his /sales/ in his mouth, dry swallowing it as he sat down. Hoping to feel something other than sobriety in this impromptu family meeting. His head glanced up as he heard the clicking of his sisters heels, rolling his eyes as she avoided eye contact with him. A part of him not shocked that she had left him with the two people he had hated most in the world, but a part of him still hurt by it.

Nate: "Sit," Nate instructed, sitting at the head of family seat. Looking over his siblings all he could feel was disgust and disappointment. "Have you two learned nothing?" he started. "All you two have done since I enlisted was cause Hell in this house. Mother would be turning in her grave if she knew how you two have become? A fucking useless teen mom and a drug dealing fairy. You two are going to wisen up and you're going to wisen up now!" his voice thundered. Nate turned his gaze to Vanessa, "And what do you have you have to say for yourself? Do you know the mess father and I have to clean up because you and those god awful Bells? Do you want to be one of their gang sluts for the rest of your life? You already fucked up your life getting pregnant and now you're going to let them ruin your life some more? You're going to pack up all your shit wherever you are and come home /tonight/. Not tomorrow, not when father is gone, /tonight/. And you..." he paused turning to Kai. "Fort Union Academy will be expecting you to move in this weekend."

kai: shook his head as Nate brought up their mother, no one in the house understanding Kai, especially after the accident. Talking or thinking about his mom was hard, let alone the thought that he wasnt what she would have wanted of him. He knew deep down that his mom would be disappointed in who he was, but he enjoyed himself, he loved himself. /most of the time/. His eyes glaring daggers at Nate as he addressed Vanessa. Knowing she went in on herself day in and day out, and now with rocky being gone he knew it had gotten worse. "dont act like you give a fuck," He spoke, for once getting bold with his brother. Instant regret washing through him as he turned to him, his brow raising, "youre funny if you think im getting shipped away like some fucking amazon return," he knew at that point he already sealed his deal, and he shouldnt have kept talking, but he had.

Vanessa: Even though Vanessa in her brain was the more mature one out of the three, she was also the most weak willed out of them and easily persuaded when it came to her family. She already felt so alone in the house that she would do anything to make her family happy with her again. Nate's words were hitting Vanessa like knives and she became that sad little forgotten girl once again. Tears started forming in Vanessa's eyes. Maybe if she had been a little nicer, a little prettier, a little smarter, a little more like her parents wanted, Rocky might still be here. If only she would have been enough all of this wouldn't have happened. "I... I get it, Nathanial," she said weakly, curling into herself. He was right. She was ruining everyone around her and letting other people ruin her. Before she could say anything else, she looked to Kai, shaking her head to stop him. Vanessa knew how cruel Nate was to Kai. She gave him a look of warning, hoping he'd stop talking. She'd take the beating if it meant Kai would be safe.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but you.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but for whatever reason he thinks you can be fixed. A year at military school should /straighten/ you out in one way or another. It's not up for discussion. When father comes home your hair will be black again and you both will be grateful that he is continuing to let you live in his house. Do I make myself clear?"

kai: "No all you give a fuck about is impressing the image of a man who has never been a father to anyone but you," he spoke sharply, his whole body telling him to stand down. That his brother wasnt going to take kindly to his words, but the fire he felt in his skin from hearing him talk about vanessa, he couldnt stay quiet. "Shes amazing. If you took a fucking second to look past what father has warped into that peanut brain, you wouldve seen the person she really is. Shes not a slut, shes not an idiot, shes not useless. Shes fucking family!" Kai spoke, standing from his spot, "Everything she has ever done has been to make father happy, to make you happy. And for what?! To be forced to live a lie her whole life? She didnt kill our NEPHEW. She didnt go to that appointment knowing that Vince fucking Bell would bring his gang ties with him. You dont get to sit here and lecture us when you arent even fucking around to see anything happening anyway!" He rolled his eyes, catching the way he spoke the word straight, "Yes because a year with only men around is really gonna make me only want woman. Smart plan on that one homie,"

Vanessa: "I didn't kill my son!" Vanessa finally spoke up, the pain clear in her voice. "You think I purposely got my son killed! I wish it was fucking me! I wish every fucking day that I was the one who died and I know you all wish it too! You wished it when Mama died and now you're all wishing it with Rocky gone," she continued, tears rolling down her cheeks. All she wanted right now was to drown herself in vodka but she couldn't right now with Nate of all people here and Kai catching onto her habits. Vanessa fell into herself, slowly breaking down for the first time in a long time. It was like everything came flashing before her. She knew her family hated her, knew her family didn't nor ever loved her, and it was all just resurfacing. She looked up for a second, puffy eyes immediately going to Kai and mouthing "stop". If Nate was already dropping the F word to Kai, it would only escalate from there.

Nate: "It should have been you," he spoke sternly, not bothering to even look at Vanessa. His full attention on Kai. He shoved Kai in his chest forcefully putting him back in his chair. "Don't get loud with me, Malachai. You think because it's just you here now you're the man of the house? He died because your sister didn't know who the fucking father of Rocky was. If she hadn't been whoring around there wouldn't have been an appointment. You let her go to that appointment alone. You're just as much to blame as those fucking Bells. This is your last straw, Malachai, last fucking chance. You want to learn what it's really like to be alone? You wanna get sent away too? Don't push me."

kai: "Like it shouldve been me when mom died? Bet you loved telling an 11 year old that everyday for months," He spoke bitterly, a groan falling from his lips as he was shoved back into the chair. His head snapping up to meet his gaze. His words sinking in and knowing there was plenty of truth to them. "I shouldve gone youre right," He spoke, "But you know who else couldve? You. You know who couldve stopped Vince being involved from the gun? You." Shaking his head, "Im already alone Nathaniel. This place is simply room and board at this rate. We arent a family, weve never been a family. father and yourself have made damn sure of that,"

Vanessa: heard the garage door opening and looked to her brother with desperate eyes. Thankfully, Nate walked out to the front to meet up with their father who no doubtly wouldn't even bother even saying hello to any of them now that his precious son was here. Vanessa waited a moment til their brother was far enough, "You're not... you're not a you know what," Vanessa whispered, not even daring to call him the F word. She hated the way Nate spoke and treated Kai. Kai always got the worst of Nate's anger especially since the youngest came out; usually Vanessa was there to defend him but in this moment she was being beaten down so bad she couldn't think straight. "I'm glad it wasn't you," she added.

kai: 's eyes shifted to their sister, his eyes soft at the look on her face. he could see how affected she was by nates words, the fire in kai only growing. shaking his head as she spoke, "he cant say anything I didnt say to myself for years. I know the stigma around bi men, as shitty as it fucking is," He shrugged, "Everything he said about you isnt true V. You arent useless or an idiot, youre an amazing human. Im glad youre my sister," He spoke, a smile gracing his lips as she spoke, "Im sorry you lost your son V, neither one of you shouldve been lost that day," He spoke softly, himself and V being the closest to Rocky, it hit home hearing Nate talk about him. As if he had a relationship with him.

Vanessa: "But you're not, I'm not going to let them send you away. I'll take whatever daddy has to throw. I won't let you be alone," Vanessa spoke. She got up from her seat, moving to sit in the one next to Kai. "I love you, little brother," Vanessa spoke, putting her head on his shoulder. The conversation was all too much, but everything Nate was saying was true. She believed every last word. She was useless. She was a slut. She was all of it and worsy. "It should have been me," she mumbled.

kai: "I like what I like, no one can get mad at me over that. Not logically, i aint doing harm," He shrugged, " We're never alone. As long as we got eachother we'll be ok," He spoke, resting his head on top of hers for a moment. "I love you too big sister," He knew her gears were turning, knew every word nate spoke was on repeat in both their brains. "It should've been me too," He spoke softly

Vanessa: "No harm, though, you could have better taste in men," Vanessa teased. "You think things would be different if Mama was still here? Or that she'd turn on us too?" she asked weakly. She knew her mother loved them, know deep down in her heart that Malachai and Vanessa whom she always joked were her precious little twins considering how similar they looked (way before the blonde locks and the shaved pink hair), but she also knew that her family wasn't perfect. That her father's heart was cold long before their mother's death. Would he have turned their mother cold too. "At least if it was both of us, we'd be with Mama..."

kaii: "as though you got any room to talk on that front," he teased, rolling his eyes jokingly. His smile falling as he thought of his mothers, the words of his brother ringing between his ears. "I think Mama wouldve looked out for us," He spoke softly. His connection with his mom strong from the jump, he was a premie baby. So he needed the extra love at the beginning, and not much has changed in his relationships since. But himself and the two females of the house were practically attached at the hip, having inside jokes and comments, little memories that no one else could recall. Their mom being the reason people never knew if the two siblings were twins or not. Their family was a mess, no doubt about it. Anyone looking in could see that they werent a family, but merely people coexisting in a home that became a house the day their mother lost her life. And thats what finally caused Kais tough exterior to break. All the memories and thoughts of his mom came rushing back, the ones he had pushed aside since that day in the car. Tears flowing but his face never changing from its stoic expression, a part of him scared that his father or brother would walk through the door. Calling him a fairy and other terms because he was showing emotion. "I miss her so fucking much.."

Vanessa: "the men i date are the best of their groups thank you very much," vanessa replied, sticking her tongue out. she took a deep breath, noticing how silent her brother had become. she shouldn't have brought up their mother. it was a sensitive topic for vanessa, but she wasn't there when their mother died. she wasn't the one who had to watch them pull her lifeless body out the car. vanessa turned to kai, right away seeing his tear stained face. she quickly used her shirt sleeve to wipe away his tears, ears listening closely for footsteps. the last thing they needed was either of the elder montgomery men coming in and seeing kai in tears. it was already world war 2 in their house, things didn't need to be worst. "I miss her too, but I need you to be strong for me right now? Okay, KK? I wouldn't ask this if I didn't think you could do it. Daddy can't see you like this. Just go to my room and lock yourself in there for the night, they won't bother you if they think it's me in there. I'll stay out here and deal with Daddy."

kaii: He allowed her to wipe his tears, tilting his head back as he caught his breath. He knew better than to be showing emotion, given that the two people he feared the most were beyond the door. But everything had become to much for him, every decision made in his life flashing through his mind. A gut feeling telling him she wouldnt be proud of him, and that hurt more than anything could say to him. He nodded to her words, "I know I know," He spoke quickly, rubbing his eyes slightly, "After all this I will. Im not leaving you with them alone,"

Vanessa: "Go." Vanessa said more forcefully. She wasn't going to take no for an answer. Vanessa knew all too well how their father was towards Kai. She never protected him from it, just hid in her room and pretended to be interested in whatever Nate was talking about in order to have someone to keep her from fully freaking out. "Whatever they do to me isn't going to hurt me as what they do to you. Go."

kaii: "No," He spoke with a headshake, "we're in this together V, from now on. You and me," He spoke with as much force as her, "We cant protect one another if one of us is just running off," He spoke, not meaning the double meaning behind his words, and not realizing till they were already out of his mouth, "We need to be united, it has to work,"

Vanessa: "United."

[graciouslypure]

Twenty twenty

It is 8th of January 2020.

Honestly, I cant feel the transition of the decade at all (if it was not for the count down on tv2).

Late December 2019 and early January 2020 saw us in such profound situations, an awakening to a humble start of the year, start of the decade.

Fire in Australia, bombing here and there, flood, pandemic, etcetera etcetera.

Through December, my sister suffered from a severe headache, that wont allow her to even stand up properly, affecting her whole head, down to the neck and right shoulder. She depended on painkiller to go through everyday. To make it worst, as a final year dental student, she could hardly attend to her patients. This went on for weeks and the GP suggested her to see a neurologist as they could not detect her problem. She kept on delaying coming back as she feels that she had a lot to complete and on the other hand, she had'nt prepared for any diagnosis.

As she could barely handle the continous and horrendous pain, she flew home and set an appointment with a neurologist at a private hospital (after several arrangements). At this time, I was lucky because my little brother was around, along with my sister's best friend to accompany us. She undergone CT scan and MRI, and was suspected glioma, with diffused hyperintense lesion on the right cerebullar cortex. As laymen, we were so worried with this condition, as the specialist suggested another MRI if the pain persist after some medication, thatvis after two months. However, ibu consulted our cousin and a family friend, and they asked to seek for second opinion.

Allah is great!

Ibu's friend suggested another specialist in a government hospital who subspecialised in neurointerventional radiology. He suggested that my sister come home again by end of that week as her condition may deteriorate fast and January would be too late. So again, she came back in the same month, underwent another set of MRA and MRI and it was confirmed right pica territory infarction. There were necrosis tissues in the blood vessels, inhibiting it to supply blood and oxygen to certain area of the brain. In simple term, its stroke! Stroke? Stroke, people! It's a mild stroke but if goes untreated, could cause paralysis. Condition is not reversible but can be prevented in other places. Once the brain cells are dead, they can not be regenerated. Naudzubillah min zalik.

I have to state that my sister is an active, healthy 26 year old. She goes gym at least twice a week and eats healthily. I mean: she cuts sugar, and drinks plain water most of the time too! What could possibly go wrong? So the specialist referred her to another neurosurgeon for the treatment management. Alhamdulillah, it wasnt a rare case, a lot of older people gets them, but in youngsters, statistically only one case per year.

Now, just as my sister flew back to her place, my son was down with a high fever. This was the last day of 2019. Just four days before, we went for a follow up with a paedatrician on his speech delay at another hospital (the last appointment it seemed, as fahim has overcome his problem, alhamdulillah). We went to our usual outing to the mall on the weekend before too. On the first day of 2020, we went to see a GP as Fahim's temperature didnt subside even after pcm supp. So the GP prescribed diclofenac sodium (NSAID) (yes, wait for it!) besides antibiotic and flu syrup. We happily returned home cause after one whole day, that's the only medication that made Fahim's temperature back to normal. So we continued giving him the supps up to day 4, having used 4 whole supps...

On Day 3, my husband then catch a cold too. His, was different. He could feel the heat and pain, concentrated on the head and eyes area. He shivers a lot and his cold sweats dampens our couch. So the next day, again we went to GP, and he tested my husband for Influenza.. And he was Influenza A positive. We were so sure that he got the virus from Fahim, so the doctor referred us to the hospital. At this time, my good old friend told me not to use the NSAID. And just minutes after, the news spread of acute encephalopathy associated with influenza in small kids and NSAID was everywhere! On whatssap, facebook, news, you name it! We freaked out and worried sick! Even at the hospital, (we chose another government hospital) the emergency department couldnt admit my husband and fahim, but politely gave us quarantine leave for five days and some medication for the whole quarantine time. She said at least 50 positive cases of influenza were referred there daily! Definitely an outbreak. But after 2 weeks if the symptoms still around or the condition worsens, we were to come back to the hospital. Even the supposed medicine for Influenza were reserved only for critical patients. We had to make sure Fahim and Fahmy drinks lotss of water and take PCM timely.

So, quarantine. Seems simple.

When you are in your second trimester, with a toddler and a husband with Influenza A to take care of, its farrrr from simple, ladies and gentlemen.

(At this point I am still contemplating to write on the challenges or not, seems ungrateful and as if I am the only one facing this, but as a wife and a mother, you learn every now and then, forever. So. Here are some for the memories.)

1. Your kid who lovesss medicine refuse to take medicine the time you wanted him to and I literally had to force him with a taek-wan-do white belt that I have. And pcm is 4 hourly.

2. His temperature would stay at 39 degree celcius. Come down around 37.8-9 for an hour, after an hour or 2 of pcm, than you feed him another round of pcm. Back to 1st point.

3. As temperature hardly comes down, you had to "jerlum" a loghat we learned from the emergency medical officer. And this boy refused to place a wet cloth on his head! Whats more, under his armpits or other parts of the body!

4. He refused milk. At one time I thought ok maybe "nak putus susu". I was glad too, but what I did, made him syrup drink in a 300ml bottle, and he survived on only that daily (and some liquid when we feed him medicine). When he woke up zillion times at night, he'll drink from that syrup too. No milk for few days. This worries us too, but 300ml better than nothing.

5. What is clingy again?

6. Your husband's temperature wont come down and he's not his usual self for few days was distressing.

I mean, its a different level of sabr altogether! Honestly, I didnt think I'll survive. Body ache, mentally and physically exhausted. I am definitely not one with the most patience on earth, I admit. Everyday praying for strength and an end to this episode.

.

.

.

Allahuakbar Allahuakbar Allahuakbar!

After a torturous yet meaningful week, Fahim and Fahmy recovered. Alhamdulillah. Thumma alhamdulillah.

This was a great kick start of our decade.

And Fahim started asking for his milk as usual.

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.

.

So people, in 2020,

1. Listen to your body. Dont stress yourself too much. If you detect something unusual, no harm checking.

2. Stroke can happen to anyone, anytime. Lead a balanced life. At least it lessens the risk.

3. Drink plenty of water. Everytime. Better yet.

4. Get vaccinated. Cant stress enough on this. Flu vaccine's available. I had it during last umrah I think. Prevention is better than cure.

5. Sabar sabar and sabar.

6. Cant believe we are in Year 2020! Have a great decade! In sha Allah