#and there was this realization that i'd been doing a lot of masking and repressing and stuff

[continuousmeowing]

having dan and phil autism is so embarassing. like other people are out there with special interests in like. music. or a specific period of history. or a piece of really cool storytelling. and i'm over here like. hi. i'm claude, and i talk about dan and phil so much that my friends want me lobotomized. if i don't watch these fuckass british youtubers for at least an hour every day i will start to freak out. i frequently get so needlessly excited thinking about them that i stim to the point of causing myself physical pain. i promise i'm normal.

[causticcorvus]

The argument for a Masquerade in ‘New Vestroia’ AU (+ other details)

Disclaimer: This was originally written only for myself, as a way to organize my thoughts on Alice, Masquerade, and the potential that New Vestroia wasted, along with things I'd clarify or do differently. However, I wanted to know what the fandom consensus was on some of these topics, so I'm posting it. This is, a mess. ____________________________________________________________ -In canon, Masquerade seemingly re-integrates with Alice after their final battle alongside Dan. However, after this, Alice is largely sidelined, and the show doesn't really have much time to explore the implications of this. Despite carrying Masquerade within her, she is largely ineffectual in her remaining appearances (which is a shame, as a more badass Alice could have been a great deuteragonist). So, we’re going to fix that.

-option A) Alice becomes a whole person with a combined personality of both halves -option B) Masquerade is still around, and Alice draws on his power for important fights -I am fairly unbothered by some of the other core characters being sidelined in newer seasons, but Alice, being effectively the second most important character in the show, needed to stick around. Largely, these are the changes and clarifications I would make; -The two cores of Vestroia do not combine into one; Hydranoid fuses with the Silent Core in the same way that Drago fuses with the Infinity core, as a way to give the two equal importance. (even if the cores did fuse, they would still need two ‘vessels’ to do so) -Masquerade has always been a part of Alice. Masquerade wasn’t created from nothing- The darker aspects of Alice’s personality were stripped away from her and melded into him. Alice, after Masquerade’s creation, is half of the person she used to be. She’s such a doormat, to the point that her friends don’t even notice she’s not there half the time, and she’s too ‘good’ and forgiving of their treatment of her. There’s just something not right there. -The mask only changes their appearance, nothing more. This.. is zigzagged in canon a lot. Alice seems to transform into or revert from being Masquerade depending on if the mask is put on or taken off. However, there are also times where Alice is still Alice, but Masquerade seemingly has some degree of control over her actions. There’s also the implication of how she would be compelled to put the mask on or take it off and never realize this in the first place, so he definitely has the ability to act as Alice without her remembering it. -Masquerade can see what Alice sees at the same time she is seeing it. This is evident in that he can act on knowledge gained while Alice is in control, and very quickly at that. He’s not just reading her memories later, because some of his appearances are very punctual to Alice seeing or learning something. Masquerade either has some sort of mental block in place to prevent Alice from doing the same when he is in control, or, the trauma she experienced causes her to repress the memories of his actions herself immediately after. There could also be some level of brainwashing or mental programming involved here, as someone else created Masquerade and is pulling the strings, but that is a whole other thing. -Alice definitely had a harsh enough life to have harbored the negative emotions to create Masquerade. Alice’s parents are both dead. Alice was a loner, homeschooled, and had no friends. She spent most of her life under the care of her well-meaning, but neglectful grandfather, out in the middle of nowhere. When she would get to go out, she’d be the target of sexual harassment, and she lived in a society that did not value her as a person. The latter examples could even explain why Masquerade is a male persona, because she resented the ways she was treated as a female; (think Naoto from Persona 4). Oh, and I imagine the first time her grandfather disappeared, she spent time in the care of a relative who didn’t want her.  (He was gone for half a year, and it’s mentioned that she stays with her aunt and uncle later in the season- she likely jumped at the chance to stay with Runo due to this, but after her secret came out, she was forced to go back to them.)

-So how does the mask actually work? The mask establishes a neurolink with the wearer, and alters their molecular structure on the fly to match their perceived image of their ‘self’. If someone other than Alice wore the mask, they wouldn’t look like Masquerade- they’d look like whatever their inner self would manifest as. -Masquerade is not truly gone after the mask shatters. Canon proves this in New Vestroia itself, when she hears his voice in her head and manages to channel his power in the fight against Shadow Prove. It however, is unclear if she would still even be capable of transforming into him, despite her fear of him taking over. Him existing as a separate entity able to talk to her, however, means that she hasn’t accepted him and re-integrated him in all that time. In fact, she seems to have largely avoided battling out of fear- though this battle proves that they are capable of working together. (So, has she just been hearing his voice in her head, telling her to fight, this whole arc? I agree, those who are capable, should; he berates her for trying to run away). Unfortunately, canon never does anything with this, despite the fact that seeing Alice channel Masquerade’s power and battle the villains like Yugioh would have been amazing, and this is largely the last we ever hear of him.

-So, all this said, we can establish an AU of New Vestroia (or even skipping that, Gundalian Invaders) where Alice is very much involved, and assisted by Masquerade. The two would fight together, alongside Dan and their new allies, all the while Alice learns to get over he fear, and accept herself, and Masquerade gets to go all-out with a new purpose. (You can say redeeming villains is old hat, but 1, the og series already sorta did it anyway, and 2, Masquerade just wants to fight for fighting’s sake, like a blood knight.)

Now, this is the part where I say I’d have to actually research more of the sequel seasons to write anything, because I never actually watched them all. ;-;

[lunion]

There's something that's been hurting me for the longest time that I want to vent about, though it can be lenghty. Also, spoilers for Mother 3.

The mother series have been for the longest time my favorite videogame franchise of all time. However, this last year I realized it was no longer the case. That wouldn't be a problem if iy weren't for the reason behind it: My best friend and the discussion we had.

Context time:

I had a sheltered, but otherwise unpleasant childhood. Bullied at school, difficulties on social circles, depressed mother and absent father getting a divorce, a complicated relationship with organized religion... life for kid-me was unfulfilling, underwhelming and gave me nothing to look forward for the future.

However, one of the things that kept me going was indeed, the Mother series. It stroke the perfect and necessary balance to give me hope. It's not a perfect comfort game where nothing goes wrong because it'd feel cheap like "of course these people are happy. These problems were conveniently removed from game", but neither it was a tragedy fest where every problem is real and we can never get a break from the suffering ever. The Mother series acknowledged a lot of problems like police corruption, parental abuse, loss and so forth, but in a palatable manner that made me believe that we could overcome these things.

Eventually, childhood and adolencence have passed and I found myself breaking away from organized religion to find my own faith. I stumbled here and there, but I was moving forward.

And then comes in my best friend.

He's still one of the most caring people i've ever met, but unfortunately, he has a flaw that can make it hard to deal with sometimes. A poorly repressed, yet never acknowledged contempt for spirituality and religion.

We've had some discussions about it before, but the gist of it is that he would try to say something like "you're free to follow whatever religion you want", but always with the undertone of "but you're fucking stupid AND coping for doing so"

Then comes these last 5 years.

These last god forsaken 5 years of my life were filled to the brim with struggle, solitude and pushing through a pervading feeling of aimlessness as I tell myself my goals are not for naught.

My friend group withered, I moved away back to the hometown I hate, had no one that shared my beliefs with me, I started dealing with family problems so bad I had to go back to therapy and the pandemic did not help.

Practicing one's faith alone during this time was also much harder, especially when I started questioning my own beliefs.

Last year, I visited my friend just to hang out. I don't even remember how we got to the topic of spirituality, but I know we did and he asked me to explain my faith to him again. TL;DR, I share many buddhist principles, believe in past lives and higher planes of existance.

The real challenge was trying to explain it to him in a way he wouldn't dismiss as an hallucination, delirium or otherwise.

I could not.

I left that conversation feeling absolutely stupid of ever believing in any semblance of religion or any faith.

Fast forward for a couple months later and I am playing Mother 3.

I've cleared the mother series about 6 times at this point and every couple of years I'd play them all over again because I always come out differently from the experience, given how I've changed and my different lens let me appreciate the games more and in differnt ways.

This time, something very different happened.

I was at the end of the game, during the Masked Man fight. As any Mother fan can tell, the most emotional point in the series. But here is the thing. Unlike every other time I played the game, when Hinawa appeared in that scene, I was not overcome with emotion, relief or even moved.

Instead, my only thought was "what the fuck is this doing here?"

This scene, which brought me to tears many times before and made me cherish the love shared between these characters and even between people in real life, was now making me cringe and feel disgusted.

At that moment. It felt cheap. It felt like it was 'coping', as thoughts swimmed through my head:

"Talk about wish fulfilment. Kid's so traumatized he's making up in his mind his mother is still alive."

"Why tf can't people accept that hinawa is fucking dead? She and everything she brought is GONE. No amount of wishing will ever change that in any meaningful way."

"This is stupid"

All of these things came to me during what was supposed to be one of the most beautiful scenes I've seen in fiction. One of the moments that gave me the most pain, but also the most strenght.

At that moment, I was also crying, but not because the usual reasons.

I was crying because I saw myself, couldn't recognize myself and I didn't like what I saw.

The next months were rough. A good therapist helped, though.

I learned I can't have everyone, especially those who are set in their own beliefs, to validate mine, even if they are family or best friends.

I know I was sensitive at the time for all the problems that I mentioned ealier in this post.

But I also realized that my diminished affection towards the mother games were not to do with me growing up, but due to a bad memory staining my feelings for the games. A memory that has nothing to do with the games themselves and more to do with how hurt and stupid I felt because of that discussion that I had.

I no longer feel like that, but the feeling of hurt still remains. I want to start healing from it. Putting all this experience in words is the first step.

[astrolavas]

Hey Astrolavas, Idk if you still answers Ask. But I wanted to know what to expect or do you want to happen with Hunter in the last ep of How do you want his arc to end?

cracks my knuckles OKAY, SO...

when it comes to just watching and dreaming, i feel like he probably isn't going to have too much focus on him plot/character-arc-wise so there isn't going to be any main subplot for him, but i would love to see some particular scenes or things still.

we know he's going to go against belos again (not on his own but. he WILL confront him again) so that....... that's a scene that i feel like has so much potential to be so good and so satisfying.

belos creating hunter as caleb's next disposable copy, seeing him as only another number vs belos being defeated by his own "creation"... having that moment of realization and fear as he's going down, knowing that none of his plans succeeded and that hunter is going to outlive him. the sweet, sweet karma and irony of it all...

belos already losing it, seeing "ghosts" of caleb and the grimwalkers, just getting worse and worse in his obsession and pursuit for revenge. and now, with hunter having brown eyes... with belos not having seen "caleb's" eyes in almost 400 years............ this is just very interesting to me. see, i still miss his magenta eyes a lot sometimes </3 especially since they were his only "visible" grimwalker trait, but i feel like THIS might be why they changed hunter's eye color. belos seeing "caleb's" eyes on hunter, belos seeing eda with evelyn's haircut too, him just completely........ freaking out. AGH.

and all of this, the eye color change, along with the fact that belos keeps calling hunter "caleb", how no one- not even luz- has called him out on it as of yet... how when he sees hunter again, next episode, sporting the brown eye color at that, he's definitely gonna call him caleb again....... i'd rly love to see a throwback to either hunter's "my name... is hunter" scene with luz or his "my name isn't caleb, it's hunter" scene with emerald entrails. said in a different, more serious tone; in like a dramatic finale moment of confronting belos.... AGHGHHHH YEAH???? yeah..... that'd be neat.

besides that, i'd love to see more of his grief for flapjack.

we've seen him being very clearly affected by it in ftf, and the arc was semi-resolved for a moment with the "flapjack will always be with you" metaphor thing, but it was also... more about the problem of him pushing down his feelings. in ftf, he was trying to mask his grief and sadness with anger and coldness (a similar defense mechanism and behaviour that we've seen from him in s2a, or labyrinth runners, or like any instance when he's not feeling well. that's how he always reacts to traumatic events, negative feelings or hard moments in his life. it's what he had to do in order to survive in the coven). so he kept pushing people away, distancing himself from others, acting irritable, focusing solely on the mission at hand, just wanting to find belos immediately; thinking about literally anything but flapjack or what happened just a few hours prior, cuz it hurts too much to think about it. but just like willow had her arc of repression and finally realized she can rely on other people too and allowed herself to show feelings and vulnerability instead of letting it all consume her from the inside out, hunter similarly let himself show some of that vulnerability to his friends, he let himself think of flapjack for a moment, to truly miss him, and he realized a part of him is always going to be with him. (hunter and willow both actually struggle with vulnerability and repression but in totally different ways and it's also so interesting, but. that's an essay for another day so kxjsjsk)

but yeah, even though the initial stage of grief has been slightly resolved, and he can go on without as strong feelings of anger and without repressing what he feels, this is still only a start. because we see he misses flapjack, he's still gonna mourn flapjack for a long long time; he hasn't even had the time to truly go through it, and he probably will once belos is dealt with and everything kinda settles down, and he gets a true moment to breathe, goes back to a daily routine... and flapjack is not with him. like, that grief and hurt is still there, and it's not going anywhere, just moving forward.

so... i'd like to see one more scene dedicated to flapjack in the next episode. sth that'll be private, sth just between hunter and flapjack, sth quiet maybe. it can even be hunter talking to himself as if he was talking "to" flapjack (like in the "i wish you were here" scene kinda) or saying sth abt flapjack to belos, i'd just love to see more to feel fully satisfied, cuz it doesn't really feel "concluded" at the moment. (and on one side, sure! it's not going to be for a long while, but also.... sth more.. would be so nice) not sure if we're actually going to get a scene like that, however, cuz there's gonna be little time so h.......... but i would like it.

another thing i'd love to see is a hunter and darius reunion, and possibly even a talk.

there's!? so much they can talk about??!? their complicated past in the coven, darius' mentor, the previous golden guards, sewing, hunter's grief and how darius has experience with it too...... yeah. like, their arc doesn't feel complete, they haven't interacted since asias (the only episode they directly interacted with each other, in fact) and have only been mentioned by one another a few times and it's been merely hinted that their relationship has progressed positively behind the scenes. so, there should be a conclusion here. a reunion, a talk, possibly a future mentorship of sorts. that'd be cool.

now, as we're moving towards the end.......

i'd really love hunter to be adopted by camila. there are ofc other options but this one just feels so, so, SO good, and it fits the narrative so well, it fits the story so well, it's perfect for both him and the nocedas. UGHHH... so that'd be cool.

i know sth like this likely won't happen (cuz time restraints and all that), but imagining... the quiet after the Last Big Battle; after belos is defeated and everything starts settling down. everyone else reuniting with their families and hunter just... standing there; cuz he's not sure what he's meant to do now or where to go, now that everything is over. now that he can breathe, now that the world can go on. camila approaching him and inviting him to stay with them for good, because ofc there's NO way she's just going to make him move out or leave him be when he has nowhere to go, yet she still gives him a choice to decline if it's not sth he wants. but it IS what he wants... hunter just feeling happy but also being in such disbelief because whoa??!?...... aughhh you know??!? hunter noceda... camila, get hunter and vee those official adoption certificates ASAP.

as for the possible epilogue/timeskip/credits/future:

we know hunter wants to learn how to carve palismen. the clawthornes are palisman carvers, eda has that palistrom seed... a clawthorne woodcarving mentorship sounds too perfect, i'd LOVE to see it. i feel like hunter would love to be able to make palismen, whether it be for himself or others or just for the sake of creating and bringing new creatures to life... it could make him rly happy, imo. also the contrast between hunter peacefully carving palismen, maybe working towards making palistroms non-endangered again or working with the bat queen, just.. caring for these little beings... vs belos destroying, killing, feeding off palismen; to the point where they almost go extinct, trapping them in his mind, treating them like dangerous pests. life vs death... AGHGHHHH

we know he'd like to attend hexside and play flyer derby too! i'd love to see a snippet of him at hexside post-canon, maybe even in a multitrack uniform. and an emerald entrails comeback <3 with hunter borrowing (bird-shaped?) stringbean from luz for the games, or maybe even having his own new (wolf?) palisman, if enough time passes and it's sth he decides he wants.

and just........ some cool slife-of-life post-canon things. there are so, so many things he can do and so many things i'd love to see, agh....... yeah.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I've been thinking of how queer-coded Eddie (from 9-1-1) is, and the way his cardiologist (a heart doctor, how symbolic!) suggested Eddie might be repressed and...

Skip this post if the concept of repressed sexuality is uninteresting to you, this is mostly me talking about myself, to spread some knowledge about repression.

Anyway. Since anyone who has read any of my posts already knows I'm unhinged beyond comprehension, there is no reputation to lose here...

I just realized that I keep saying that I think Eddie is repressed and bi, and it just hit me that maybe people don't know what I mean by that? Maybe people don't know all faces of what repressed bisexuality can look like? It's not talked about a lot, I think.

So fic writers of the world, or whoever likes to learn, let me share my personal flavor of insanity - what my repressed bisexuality has looked like at different times!

Ah yes, first stage was Buck. Outrageous, oblivious flirting with anyone pretty... Without any clue that I was in fact flirting with everyone, including other women (I'm a woman). I just thought I was joking, teasing... Until it got just a bit too intense, and I finally went "Wtf. I'm flirting now. Like seriously, to get their attention! This isn't straight. What am I doing?"

And I was definitely nowhere near ready to get out of the closet or act on these instincts, so hey, we enter stage...

2. Repressed - and aware of it. Yes, may sound bizarre. To make things even more bizarre, when I say I started to repress my behavior... I don't mean just around women!!

By that time I had a lovely, open-minded friend group, I'd always been into queer rights etc. So I definitely felt like this wasn't really anything I should hide, or be ashamed of...

But I still grew up religious, and even though I left religion behind quite early in my teens? My family didn't.

So I wanted to come out. And was scared to come out.

And somehow... The longer I stayed silent, the more the mask of conformity started to suffocate. It disturbed me, to have people think I was 100% straight.

I started to feel like I was betraying my people, other bisexuals and queers in general, by conforming, and slipping notice under the cover of heteronormativity.

I thought, why should I talk about the men I like... if I can't also talk about the women I like. It just means I'm shoving myself deeper inside the closet!

So my logical solution to this problem...

Was just stop talking. Of anyone! I became this sexless creature, no flirting, no admiring comments, no dating, nothing. Even if someone made a comment about a random person on tv... I existed in a cage, not wanting to comment on anyone's attractiveness. Simply because it felt like betrayal to talk about some part of my identity if I could not talk about all of it.

So to summarize: while it's true that some bisexuals hide under the blanket of fake straightness, and some will actually also pretend to be fully gay or lesbian...

Some of us just attempt to disappear off the map completely, and show no interest to anyone at all.

That doesn't btw necessarily have anything to do with our fantasy life - that may still be rampant. Or equally repressed in some way or another!

And we may also act differently around different people. But not necessarily. It can feel awkward or scary or "unimportant" to come out even to fellow queer friends.

The point is... There are many kinds of masks. Repression is a freaking chameleon. Everyone does it differently, even the same person can do it differently with different people, at different stages of life.

And btw, unbecoming this self-made onion of a person can be annoyingly slow and difficult. Personally I'm still not done untangling the mess I am. But maybe getting there!

[roipecheur]

Do you think Frank and Slade are similar?

Would Frank kill (or try to) Slade?

Ok you have asked the right person because I could totally write a Marvel/DC Punisher vs. Deathstroke crossover. Here's your pitch.

THEN: VIETNAM

U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel Slade Wilson and Marine Lieutenant Frank Castle (Francis Castiglione) get separated from their respective units somewhere in the jungle. They initially both become aware that there's another person in the general vicinity who's not showing themselves and both think they're being stalked by Viet Cong. After some plotting, they attack each other at the same time and stop when they both realize that they're on the same side. Both are impressed that the other survived the initial attack, which was designed to kill. Slade technically outranks Frank, but they team up out of mutual respect.

(It's a little ((a lot)) homoerotic.)

Around their shared camp that night, they start to talk about back home, and they realize that back home is...different. Frank insists he's never heard of Gotham or Metropolis or Star City or Central City. They disagree on major historical events. Slade doesn't know who the Avengers are. Frank doesn't know what the Justice League is. Eventually, they give up and arrange watches for the night, each thinking the other is probably nuts, but hey, he's probably the only shot at getting out of this alive.

Over the next few days, they save each other's lives a bunch. I'm thinking they get injured and they have to (homoerotically, of course) patch each other up. If I were writing this for real, I would read a lot of war stories and literature about war stories that deal with the intimacy with other men that's allowed in war and on the battlefield in a way that it isn't back home. I would try to summon Hemingway's equally repressed and horny ghost. Anyway.

Stuff gets weirder. Creatures out of myth start attacking them, and they haven't seen another human being for days. Eventually, they come to a barren landscape that definitely doesn't belong in the middle of the Vietnamese jungle and are made to understand, possibly via a Watcher (Marvel) and Monitor (DC) that they aren't from the same place and the way they crossed paths got them stuck in between and is causing cracks in both realities. They both get sent back to their own worlds and aren't sure how much of that was actually real. But, they're both practical sorts, so they put it behind them and move on with their lives.

NOW: NEW YORK CITY

Frank falls into the DC universe. He needs to be the one who falls into DC rather than Slade falling into Marvel for this to work. At first, Frank doesn't realize that anything's changed. He gets into a fight with some heroes he doesn't recognize (the Titans), but that's not that unusual--there's always some new idiot in spandex popping up. By the end of the day, Frank has picked up the trail of what he thinks are his targets (a gang, traffickers, drug dealers, whatever) and goes to crash their party. He runs into Deathstroke, who's there to fulfill a contract, and they save each other's lives just like they did back in Vietnam.

Frank doesn't know who Deathstroke is, of course. He thinks Deathstroke is there for the same reason that he is, sharing his war and his moral crusade to fight crime in a lethal fashion. After the fight, when Deathstroke takes his mask off and reveals that he's Slade, Frank's old friend, this only solidifies Frank's assumption about Slade's motives and what he does.

They share a meal on a rooftop somewhere and talk about what they've been doing since the war. I think it would pack the biggest punch to set this in the preboot era where Slade had watched Grant, Joey, and Adeline die in front of him and hadn't discovered Rose yet. They could bond over watching their wives and kids die and being powerless to stop it. I'd incorporate the NMCU version of Frank where his wife and kids died because of him and not just due to a random mob hit happening in the park that day. Slade's honest about Adeline shooting his eye out and his role in Grant and Joey's deaths, if vague. He doesn't want to explain the exact nature of what he does yet. I think there could've been a time where Frank fucked up as a parent and almost got Lisa or Frank Jr. hurt and he knows in his bones Maria would've left him if it'd been worse, so Frank is uneasy with the way Slade lost his family, but feels he can't judge him.

Because Frank's phone isn't working and Slade's still is, it's pretty easy to determine which world they're in. Or, if you want to go the retro, pre-cellphones route with this, they could just turn on the news and see stuff about Superman and Metropolis and Frank just goes, "shit. It is real." This is another reason why it's better for Frank to go to DC rather than Slade going to Marvel--Marvel does have made up cities and countries, but they don't feature as heavily as DC's.

Of course, Slade lets Frank crash at his place (a very nice safehouse) and promises to help him get back to his world. Due to their earlier conversation, in which Frank waxed romantic about his war, Slade knows that Frank would kill him if he knew who Deathstroke the Terminator really was. Still, he feels a connection with and an obligation to him due to their time in Vietnam, so he will help him regardless. The plan is to do that before Frank knows too much.

Meanwhile, Frank is suspicious of how nice Slade's place is because the Punisher is a nasty stinky grungecore man who lives in his battle van or dirty warehouses and canonically bathes once a fucking week. So he's wondering where Slade got the money for both a swanky apartment and the state-of-the-art weapons stash that Slade couldn't resist showing off. (Phallic objects, homoeroticism, etc.)

So, while Slade's sleeping that night, Frank does a little research. He finds out who Deathstroke the Terminator is. All the people he's killed. Some of it Frank doesn't object to--most of them are bad, and he's worked with Elektra, after all--but Slade's also killed some people he can't excuse. And if Frank finds out about Tara and/or that Slade killed a teenage girl's dog, listen... In terms of overall morality, Frank is better than Slade. He might be a mass murderer, but he'd never hurt a child or animal (we're ignoring the MAX comics where he killed dogs, that's not canon to me). It's a low bar, but Slade congas right under it.

(Yes, Slade killing the dog happened in the reboot, not the preboot. I mix and match canons, it's what I do.)

If you want to extend this a little, Frank doesn't have to find all of this out by himself with Google or whatever. Say he finds out just enough to make him leave, and Slade wakes up to find him gone. Frank seeks out the Titans because he fought with them earlier and Slade mentioned having a "long history" with that group, and they tell him about the HIVE contract, about Tara, about Tanya's poor dog. Once he's gotten what he needs, Frank sneaks away from them, and one of them--I'm thinking Dick--realizes that Frank is going to try and kill Slade. Now, none of the Titans know who The Punisher is, and all Frank told them was that Slade's an old war buddy he came to town to catch up with. They leave to track him down and stop from getting himself killed.

Frank is definitely on his way to kill Slade. He's angry, he's betrayed, and he's hurt. He's not in touch with his emotions enough to like, know that, but it's true. Slade has become the next target in his war. Frank walks right back into Slade's safehouse, where Slade's just chilling in the kitchen and making himself something to eat. In the middle of Slade asking him where he's been, Frank takes out his gun and shoots him.

BUT. Frank doesn't know about Slade's healing factor, or he just doesn't realize the extent of Slade's healing factor. So Slade's fine. While Frank is helping himself to Slade's impressive armory, Slade gets up again, and they start fighting. The Titans show up. Because I'm entirely self-indulgent, Frank looks at Nightwing's escrima sticks and says yeah, I know a sanctimonious idiot with sticks like yours. And when they crackle with electricity, Frank goes, huh. Well, not exactly like yours.

(Frank's never going to mention that to Daredevil. Doesn't want to give him ideas.)

Because the Titans are attacking both of them, Slade and Frank have to fight together. Frank notices that Slade isn't shooting to kill. They manage to escape, and Frank asks him about it. Slade says that he doesn't kill anyone unless he'd paid to. When Frank pushes, Slade talks about how he doesn't agree with the Titans, but they have earned his respect, and he appreciates what they did for Joey. It changes Frank's perception of him a little. Slade doesn't share Frank's morals, but that's not to say he doesn't have any.

Once they've calmed down--maybe Frank gets injured and Slade has to patch him up in a callback to their war days--Slade talks to him. Tells Frank that this isn't his world and isn't his war, and that he needs to get home before spending too much time in the wrong place starts to fuck with things. They both remember what happened last time. Frank grudgingly agrees, and they go back to find the Titans.

Slade calls a truce, and he and Frank explain that Frank isn't from here and needs to get home. Fortunately, Raven is uniquely suited to help with that. She does some magic stuff and opens a portal. Before Frank leaves, he and Slade clasp arms (homerotically) and look each other in the eye. Frank says, "If I ever find you on my side..." and Slade says, "I know" and lets him go. Frank goes home, and the last scene would be them standing in the same place in different versions of New York, mirroring each other.

---

So, to answer your question: Yes, they have a lot in common, and yes, Frank would try to kill Slade lmao. I know this is more than you bargained for, but I hope in a good way!

[maria-de-salinas]

Hello! I'm SO overdue to give you a big ol' rave review on the Vulnera Sanentur series, but I've been working my way through it this winter and spring, and I absolutely love it!! I admire your writing skills so much, and I'd love to pick your brain about writing inspo/strategy/etc.

So for the Fanfic Writer questions: ✍️🚀👓🦋🦈💭🚦💛

I know that's a lot, so feel free to skip Q's if its too much! :)

Ahhh, thank you my dear mutual who never fails to make my dash a more fascinating place <3

(And if you're interested the Snape/Lily ballet!au is wonderful!)

Answers below the cut:

✍️ What’s your ideal writing setup?

I'm not at all particular about where I write as long as it's reasonably quiet and comfy, but I love to write outside in the summer and as soon as I get a new laptop battery I intend to one of those coffee shop writers sipping gravely on a latte while I think about whether my characters should get it on in a library or the kitchen

🚀 Do you like to outline your fic first or create as you go?

Definitely outline, but creating as I go within that outline. Some of the best moments of writing are when the characters come to life and insist on wrecking all your plans for them. Which means the outlines keep evolving.

👓 What helps you focus when you write?

Definitely music! I nearly always listen when I write. It also helps set the emotional tone (sometimes too much and then I have to go back and tone it down)

🦋 Which character is your favorite to write?

Snape. Always Snape. Grey, ambiguous, complex, lonely, loyal, brave. Queer-coded, autistic-coded, masks in public, doesn't fit into anyone's box. And most importantly, someone who pickles slimy things in a laboratory and lines up the jars on his shelves.

Sometimes I wish I could get deep into some other fandom and character but he keeps calling me back.

🦈 Which character is the toughest to write?

Definitely Remus. Because at heart he is a genuinely kind and gentl person, but it's hard to disentangle from his passive-aggressive self-loathing and anxious avoidance. Which is so human and relateable but also really hard to pin down.

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

As someone who loves people and is fascinated by people but is socially quite anxious, writing is a lifeline. I *have* to write. It's all about the vulnerability and intimacy. I'm an absolute fiend for these scared, lonely, closed-up characters learning to let their guard down and be vulnerable with someone, whether a friend or a lover or something in between. And letting themselves love in the midst of their grief, knowing that they could lose again, knowing that grief is, as told by WandaVision, love persevering.

(And on the smuttier side of things, I've come to realize that I have something of a thing for extremely repressed characters having an awakening. Which is why you tend to see a lot of Virgin!Snape tags in my fics. I also love exploring all the awkwardness that comes with being physical and how that ties in to being vulnerable.)

🚦What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

Happily ever after but with a touch of something to make them feel real, maybe? Everything is okay but the characters have scars or regrets or losses, or they love each other but still have conflict.

Bittersweet endings are so powerful and memorable and beautiful and I love them and hate them and they make me want to chew my arm off. I've only written one, a conclusion to one of the storylines in Vulnera Sanentur and The Bollan Cross. I think about it all the time.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

Write what you love. Always. Because there's at least one person out there who will love it too, and it's a story you'll always be able to keep and take with you. And if you're not enjoying it, you don't have to do it! Take a break, switch to a new project, write that self-indulgent thing you've always wanted to.

The asks can be found here, so feel free to reblog or let me know in the comments if you want to be asked something! I love hearing about people's creative process.

[piracytheorist]

character ask: yuri, please ☺

First impression: He was not immune to propaganda 😔 he's young, maybe he's got potential to get better.

Impression now: Ok he's funny at least. I'm still very wary of him but he does have his moments.

Favorite moment: I think when he was teaching Anya. While he might not have intended to actually care for Anya's studies, it was really nice to see how he handled her making a mistake. He said that it's okay that she made a mistake, and just had to understand how to do it right. That's a really kind teaching method to approach kids, especially young ones. It shows he knows how to handle kids and how to be kind to them (and he even did it better than Loid did at the start, lol)

Idea for a story: I'm just gonna copy-paste my idea from my post about Loid: Twilight has disguised himself as Yuri because for Reasons he has to infiltrate the SSS offices, but then for some reason the actual Yuri appears there too. “Yuri” and Yuri fight, and an incompetent officer finds them, aiming his gun at them. Twilight is silent, but Yuri tries to convince the guy that’s he’s the real Yuri and he should shoot the fake one. The guy says that “Only a spy would act like that” and shoots. While that happens, within a split second Twilight thinks “I have to let him die. I have to get out of here. I have to let him die.” But he just cannot do that because he knows how much it would devastate Yor to lose her brother… so he pushes him out of the way and takes the bullet instead. Maybe not anywhere too dangerous, like his arm or something. But it’s enough to slow him down as he tries to escape, and he’s finally caught while still wearing the mask with Yuri’s face. You can imagine Yuri’s shock and horror when he realizes it’s “Loi-Loi”, who is a spy and tried to infiltrate the offices and also saved his fucking life. Because as many lies as Loid has said, Yuri has now absolute proof that this man really does love his sister. I think it would fucking break him, especially once the SSS starts torturing Loid. His belief that Westalis is the enemy and anyone from it wants to destroy the country his sister lives in, versus the proof that a Westalian spy cares so much for said sister that he preferred to be arrested and tortured if it meant Yor wouldn't lose Yuri. Maybe it could be the proof he needed to abandon what he's been doing all along.

Unpopular opinion: I don't know where the icky headcanons about him being actually in love with Yor came from, but I genuinely don't think he has any intention of taking things there with his sister. Yes he is super obsessed and devoted and overprotective of her, but I don't understand how people see that and think "Oh he must wanna *** her". I mean, no, I do understand, we do live in a world that's very sex-obsessed but very sexually repressed at the same time, and thus people can reach such wacky conclusions.

Anyway, someone on tumblr said at some point that the only reason Yuri is suspicious of Loid is not because he married Yor, but because Yor didn't tell him for an entire year about their marriage, and it's understandable how that would sit very wrong with Yuri. The fact that Yuri is also jealous of Anya because she spends all day with Yor proves that all Yuri wants is to spend more time with his sister. A lot little obsessed and overprotective, yeah. Icky, I don't think so.

Favorite relationship: Honestly, I'd say with Anya. I want them to spend more time together so that she can bring out his soft and/or playful side. Everyone deserves a bit of Anya in their lives.

Favorite headcanon: I think it's actually canon from when he helped Anya study but I believe he speaks at least one foreign language fluently. For their time period that's actually pretty impressive.

Send me a character!

[amysubmits]

What advice do you have for someone who has just started to figure out themselves in reference to BDSM and is already married to a vanilla partner?

That's tough! I've never been in that situation, I've just talked to some people who have been in that situation and read some blog posts from people who were in situations like that.

I guess first, I'd suggest making sure that you really know your partner is exclusively vanilla. I have occasionally seen people say things like "I know my partner is vanilla because they've never tried to dominate me" or "They're so sweet to me, they could never be a dom" or similar and I don't think that your partner not showing obvious signs of dominance, or trying to dominate you, or requesting kinky things from you, necessarily means there isn't any interest in there. Some people repress their desires because they see BDSM as bad or they assume it's extremely rare and not realistic to even hope that their partner would want to explore it...and sometimes people aren't repressing it, but just had no idea that they would like it, but their partner suggests it, they try it and find that they really love it.

I never mean to suggest that everyone is capable of D/s or that every vanilla to D/s journey can be successful because I think it not working out is more common than it working out. But sometimes it does work out, and sometimes people are kind of afraid of even trying so they tend to just assume their partner couldn't do it or isn't interested, which I think can be making a false assumption sometimes.

When the person just really isn't into D/s or kink then that's really tough, and I really struggle to give any particular advice, honestly. I have talked to people who tried D/s with a partner, realized it wasn't the right match for their partner but they didn't truly need D/s so they were able to stay vanilla and have a good marriage.

I've talked to other people who eventually got divorced because their partner wasn't able to meet their D/s needs and it was something they really needed, so the lack of D/s made them too incompatible to continue the marriage.

I don't think I could ever possibly know which of those paths would be right for someone else. I think it really depends on how fulfilled you can be without D/s, basically. Which might partially come down to how important d/s is to someone but also might come down to how far their "vanilla" is from meeting their needs, too.

I've talked to people who are okay without having intentional D/s because their partner still makes them feel very seen, cared for, protected, and they're able to show care to their partner through some service kinda things that make them feel useful etc so although it's not explicit D/s, they still essentially have some of their naturally-submissive needs met, their day to day marriage is very authentic and still has lots of emotional vulnerability and intimacy.

Where for others it's like...their vanilla marriage is almost the opposite of what they want. Maybe they feel like they're the one in charge, and they have a habit of 'managing' their partner when they'd rather be the one getting managed and so it's almost like their marriage is an unnatural feeling role that they're playing, or a mask that they put on, so they're acting more so than being really true to themselves, and their needs aren't being met, there is sort of a wall between the partners.

I'm sure there are lots of in-between scenarios, too. But yeah there are just way too many different scenarios for me to feel like I could give meaningful advice as it really just depends.

If the person who is into BDSM is open to non-monogamy and their partner is too that may be an option, too. Sometimes people stay in the vanilla marriage but their life partner gives them the go-ahead to also have a dom or sub.

[fuckityshitbang]

anyways while im on the subject (Ranting),

things ive learned from 2023 that i appreciate...

i've learned that the reason why i tend to burn myself out is because i have boundaries ive not really been aware of until this year. ive also learned that some things that dont personally bother me are not things to be tolerated per se - which ive always known, per my moral compass. for example, not my business if a friend of mine is cheating on someone on the low who i dont even know.. i cant associate with that kind of poor moral character, so i'd cut them out and tell them why. but even outside of stark moral compass things (with autism, it's very easy to stick to your moral guidelines as a compass without nuanced compromise), im observing things a little more carefully.

i lost a friend of 8 years this year. there's a lot more context that i dont want to give bc its elaborate and TMI even for me/for what im essentially using as a diary, but basically there was a harmless mutual attraction btwn the two of us, bc we're both capable of managing that and we'd had some history about 6y ago. however, just because i can do it doesnt mean other people can - or even he could, apparently. he tried to sleep w my gf twice, where there was also mutual attraction (it didn't happen, bc my gf isnt a monster). i've never dated someone he was attracted to in the duration of our friendship, so this revealed something intolerable to me - especially as he had a fiance, regardless of their messy past (because it was in the past).

so all that said, as an example, going forward, i wont foster these types of bonds. i do think attractions can be harmless - like i have friends im attracted to where i dont reciprocate, and so do other ppl i know. but where theres anything mutual, im going to stay away (which for me is gonna be rare af anyway). bc even if i trust myself, that always leads to messiness even if nothing happens. drama with your friends, etc, bc of allo shenanigans where sex causes drama. people treat sex with such casualness, but it's delusional; it always has an impact on community and social dynamics.

i've also learned a lot about my own behavior, and have learned that i have meltdowns - uncommon but humiliating, and now i've learned what facilitates them. pushing myself, etc.

it's made me realize i'm actually so uncomfortable all of the time, bc part of masking and passing in society and having normal connections and going thru the world normally... means im quite literally repressing myself. seems obvious, but the issue is, i didn't even feel it; i didn't and still don't even always notice.

i don't push myself so unkindly for the sake of other people OUT of some kind of people pleasing kindness.. it's literally just a toxic coping reflex from going around as a "cool", "hot" autistic person my whole life without realizing that's what was going on.

idk. i've always been self aware, but those parameters have branched out. i'm learning more about myself.

i hope with this i can learn to be a better lover, friend, and person.

[tauontauoff]

Ahhh yes thank you. I'm finding the book is so focused on that one shouldn't feel ashamed of autistic traits and has a message like "as long as you avoid physical harm, your goal should be to follow your impulses as often as possible". There is no real discussion on how even neurotypicals mask socially to create stronger social bonds which ultimately helps their quality of life.

The adaptive skills autistics learn are actually really useful tools, not just for survival but for happiness, when not used compulsively out of fear. I strongly believe that autistics, just like everyone else, can benefit from challenging their limitations. Of course it has to be done differently and with different expectations, without overexertion, but the solution to being 100% repressed by societal demands isn't to go 100% "I can do whatever I want, I never have to try to change even a bit, and y'all just have to cope".

I also realize a lot of autistics traumatized by being forced to adapt in self-destructive ways might have a hard time taking that nuanced message in. But that's not a good excuse to completely omit it.

The important thing is, I think, to shift the thinking from "I need to fix this because people see me as wrong and I'll be ostracized" to "this thing I keep experiencing actually doesn't end up really well for me and I'd like to learn more tools to be able to cope better". And then there'll be the things that make one afraid of being cast out but that actually just brings joy otherwise, and for those things it's important to stick to one's guns, no matter what people say.

EDIT: After further reflection I understand that it is a lot to ask for nuance from people with one of the black and white thinking neurovariances hahh. Neuropsychiatry has been a special interest of mine for 20 years I forget that's not a universal experience

This page from Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price is a great example of why I can't stand Price's writing. Validating autistic existence (and complaining about how autistic behavior gets pathologized) is eminently possible without lying/swinging hard into the opposite absolutes.

Not only does he say "completely harmless" about behaviors that have readily identified harms, he labels common autistic behaviors (which should absolutely be understood, & contextualized as part of human experience) as "healthy", which at its most innocuous is saying that these behaviors are present in otherwise unremarkable autistic people but which I interpret to mean he believes these are *necessarily euadaptive* behaviors. The absolutism of "complete[ness]" and necessity has no place in serious writing about psychology.

Anyway that's the point I wanted to make, but here are some specifics about how these normal and understandable behaviors (many of which I exhibit) aren't harmless:

1) Not noticing surroundings can be super dangerous! Not noticing that people are trying to talk to you is mildly inconvenient (which is a harm)!

2) *Needing* to know what to expect implies that being thrust into an unfamiliar situation w/o information causes distress irrespective of the actual contents of the situation. That's a harm (despite merely being an extreme version of a universal part of human experience)!

3) The more rigid a structure is, the more catastrophically and frequently it breaks. Rejecting deviations often means rejecting necessary activities like eating, or like leaving a dangerous situation.

4) Taking a long time to fully respond to a question is fine. Giving no sign that you're considering — or have even heard — the question is distressing to yr conversational partner. I highly recommend going "hmm" or cocking yr head to the side when you think about things, if this is true of you.

5) Taking information into consideration is a healthy behavior. It is physically impossible to know literally all information about a decision. Depending on your definition of "all", this behavior may lead to spinning your mental wheels while never making an actual decision, which mad sucks to experience and to cooperate with.

6) Alexithymia (i.e. not knowing how you feel) also sucks to experience! Just because you can't name or even identify the existence of a feeling doesn't mean you don't have it! Like the other behaviors I've mentioned, alexithymia has no inherent moral weight.

Anyway! I love being autistic, and wouldn't choose otherwise even if I could, but some parts of it are maladaptive even when the only other people you interact with are also autistic, and I wish Dr Price would acknowledge that.

[psalmoftheserpent]

Those aren't the posts I wanted to make, but it got away from me, and I jumped into something I just wanted to say here.

Hi. This is for you.

I'm sure you have never liked this cycle of care and resentment I've gone through with you for years. When I first came here to this community in 2016, I didn't have anyone to help me figure out what was going on save for many people who believed in a lot of bizarre things. I've gone over this in the last couple posts, and how the only people around me endorsed that I must be spiritually derived and thats why I was experiencing this 'angel identity,' and for some people that also meant they were both in the angelkin community, but also others.

This included fictionkin, some believing they were incarnated from different media sources. Now when I was young, I thought that was crazy, and that bothered me a lot. And the thing is, I never really believed that was a valid belief, but I'd be in this flux of thinking--well, it's not hurting anyone, right? And more pathetically, I'd still stick around some of these people because I was alone and had nobody else to reveal this person to. This community and some of the people who I didn't really think were in the right for their beliefs were actually all I had. Cue much identity crisis because this part of me I thought I must be roleplaying never "went away", and his unique pain was still internally very hot to the touch for years, and then I got into delusional headspaces thinking I must be different fictional characters. Now that made me realize--I do NOT feel that way for characters I roleplay. And hadn't this angel been around for longer? Hadn't I, since childhood, experienced episodes of depersonalization where I thought I felt wings, and had places and things I associated with when I identified this whole different mental state?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stuck around you as long as I did, because I often cycled between this feeling of "I truly do not think people incarnate from fictional characters that's unhealthy as hell," and "but this person never hurt me and made me feel special and cared about and they weren't mean?"

I should have just left you sooner. I realize I was so attached because this angel had NEVER revealed himself so vulnerably to someone, I am almost constantly masking and I often kept this identity to blogs others I knew irl wouldn't see. But he was in pain for years. There was something deeply painful about being told someone was in love with you and then not being spoken to for weeks, only for that person's "friends"/other parts of their system to speak to you all the time any other day. I don't know. This was never something I could rationalize. BUT even as I have repressed and ignored Ophaniel, for months at a time, again and again when he would return, I'd just feel so much pain from him. So much resentment and nasty shit--and in the end, I am here now, and I think the conclusion I've come to is--

--Yes, maybe that person didn't mean to hurt me, and maybe they truly believe what they believe. But I do not endorse their beliefs and these beliefs definitely made me more deluded and disconnected. I spent many, many months when I'd be fronting again in pain, wishing for someone who was not there to just say hi again, and writing post on post where I vented and begged that I could just be a better person for them. I think that was an overblown guilt, and I didn't know what to do with myself, because I often apologize for people who hurt me if I don't think it was on purpose.

I know that whatever you have going on, I cannot get behind, and I don't want to be a part of anymore. I'm tired. And I hope that I can heal from this shit because it's awful having a whole person inhabiting yourself that you cannot even let speak because he is sick and miserable and doesn't feel like he can show himself. I have removed you from discord and I wanted to get this off my chest so I'm posting it here. There's like, two people following this blog who might be active and I'm not writing this to be spread some sort of anger, but to get it out of me.

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

honestly that’s why i’m not super in the fandom. i’m just in the background writing my dysfunctional izzy/ed fic and trying not to be weird abt izzy but tbh idek what ppl discourse abt. the only think that appeals to me abt him is the ed stuff. like why does ed want him to stay. why does he want ed to be blackbeard. it compels me. but some fanon interpretations of izzy i’ve run into have been. odd

I went off here but drop the fic if you want I'll probably read it.

Oh baby I wish I was you. I jumped on the fandom really early on because I needed something to do to take my mind off of a recent breakup and other things that were also happening which I'm less inclined to talk about and now I'm in the fucking trenches. I'm pretty immune to a character like Izzy Hands because I personally have never been able to hide who I am and I've always been violently myself. Mad respect to the autistics who have mastered the art of masking but I could personally never figure it out. I never really spent time in the closet I just realized what I was and announced it to the world. So a character who the vibe on him is "repressed gay man who hates himself" is a character I'm sympathetic too but is not relatable to me, and a character who is constantly obsessed with projecting his idealized version of other people onto them and getting violent when they don't fit into the box he's made for them is a character I loose patience for immediately. I'm navigating a minefield of guys who want me to fit into their neat little box and get mad when I don't in my real life. It's very easy for me to be normal about him for this reason.

If I can get a little off of your og question and into the weeds for a minute (I can you are in my inbox now <3) One of the best things about this show for me personally is the morality of it. Like this show sets up a world where we're supposed to forget everything we think about right and wrong and accept a new metric for us, growth and authenticity vs stagnation and repression. It's a moral framework that really appeals to me as a trans person a gay man and a neurodivergant person who has been beaten down for who I am my entire life, and also as someone who has never really figured out hiding for my own safety no matter how much I probably need to. I really like stories that tell me "I know it's hard for you to go against the grain but actually you're doing amazing sweetheart. being yourself is based as fuck" and there are a lot of stories that pretend to have that message but none of them really feel inclusive to me except for this one. And Izzy is terrific as a main villain because he basically embodies the wrong side of OFMD's moral dynamic. He mirrors Stede in a lot of ways, but Stede is constantly learning and growing and encouraging others around him to grow and be themselves, where as Izzy stagnates and tries to drag Ed down with him. And he's got more layers than a Calico Jack or a Badminton so, as much as I, a known Calico Jack enjoyer, hate to admit it, he is the best villain in the series.

So when people look at him and say "Actually that guy is right" it just sort of takes the wind out of me almost. Because while Our Flag says "the greatest good their is is being authentic to yourself" Izzy says "Oh, you think your cute" and "Pirates my ass" and "I should have let the English kill you. This, whatever it is that you've become, is a fate worse than death." Like you're not supposed to sympathize with that mindset, even if its coming out of the mouth of a character in the fundamentally relatable position of being gay and having a big fat crush on Ed.

So yeah the fanon interpretations have been really fucking odd. (there are also the other, bigotry related aspects, which have been talked to death by me and others.) I do think a lot of it is a failure of media analysis. And because I have to explain this character so thoroughly he has become less fun to play with as a toy. I'd much rather play with Calico Jack, a character who all of my disagreements with the majority of the fandom on are pedantic or conjecture, and none are related to racism or sexism or homophobia or anything like that. Which is tragic because Ed and Izzy's weird co worker codependancy is fucking juicy, dude. Why are they like that? I hope we get some of it in season 2.

I also kind of hope that Izzy is newer. Like Taika offhandedly threw out the idea that Ed has been a pirate for 20 years in an interview and I've seen people be like "Izzy has been pining for Ed for 20 years of working under him" as if it's a fact and I think it would be very funny if it was like "Nah actually they lesbian u haul moved in together 2 years ago and they've been like this ever since. " I don't know tho there's so many possibilities.

[alvamuirinnemorningstar]

Hello to anyone that reads this and relates. I decided to make this blog about my experiences figuring out I have autism. This is my personal experience and understanding of ASD and how I got to where I am through trauma that was inflicted and the masking I was forced to learn to make me “normal”. I am in no way a medical professional and cannot diagnose anyone. I simply want to share my experience in the hopes that it helps someone out there realize they aren't alone and they are valid. So allow me to tell you my backstory.

My journey started when I was younger. I was always weird to everyone around me. I was picked on a lot when I was younger for my imagination and carefree nature. I had a hard time fitting in with the regular crowd as well so friends were hard to find for me because I wasn't into what most girls liked. I preferred playing pretend with action figures and role-playing. So I usually had male friends.

My family is a bit dysfunctional so I was sheltered and not allowed to have a normal childhood. My mother was very cold to me emotionally. I would have outbursts and tantrums when she left anywhere without me. There were a lot of days while in school she couldn't even be bothered to give me lunch money or make my lunch so I went hungry at school until I came home. Even then I learned to make my meals and not rely on her. If I acted a way she didn't like or had a fit she would punish me or threaten me with the good old “do you want me to give you something to cry about?” which made things worse.

As I got older I learned how not to be and how to repress who I am inside. I also made up excuses for her abuse of me. I use to think that it was because she blamed me for ruining her life by having me at a young age. I know now that she deserves no excuse. Abuse is abuse. So I have her to thank for my heavy masking. Once I got to high school I learned how to mimic others' social behavior accents and all so I had a few friends by that time. Some social cues were still a bit hard for me to pick up so I lost many friends along the way. That didn't bother me though. I rather preferred to be alone because people just seemed to exhaust me.

Eventually, I became content to be alone and just let people come and go from my life and accepted it as a normal part of the whole experience. Jobs came and went due to my managers or superiors not feeling as though I was productive enough and needed to be told exactly what they expected me to do each day. I was always considered resourceful and a jack of all trades because I could envision how something worked or how it would turn out. Everything was a bit of a movie playing in my head when I needed to navigate the best course of action. I always thought everyone did this.

After meeting my now spouse and having some very hard conversations and some warzone-sized issues with communication we began some individual therapy. I was then diagnosed with ADHD and my spouse started getting coping techniques on how to communicate with me. After a lot of advice that was ineffective from a therapist and a fair share of blow-ups, her therapist eventually suggested I had autism and not ADHD, or at least not just ADHD. Before this I had already been watching people with my diagnosis vlog about it and soon figured out I related to them. The occasional ASD video would come up in my fyp and I hardcore related to them and attempted to point out similarities and now it could be causing my issue with communication. Of course with the stigma around autism, no one wanted to see it as a possibility.

After the therapist suggested I had autism they started to give my spouse coping methods on how to help me communicate what I'm feeling or how to say something I might take wrongly. With the trauma that I was holding onto and the lack of emotional intelligence, I would constantly think I'd angered someone or did something wrong. I had a very hard time when I thought I did something wrong or that someone was angry with me. I almost made the situation worse every time. I also struggled with explaining my feelings inside because they felt gigantic and chaotic and I couldn't pinpoint what emotion it was. Everything was just so difficult for me and I didn't understand why.

After jumping through therapists and reading self-help articles everything started to come together. I took the certified ASD tests and came away with an idea of what was going on with me and why nothing worked. The test concluded I was on the spectrum and I was very high masking. I had my answers finally. I started to peel that mask off and learned to be comfortable with who I am. We started implementing coping and communication techniques you would use with a child that was autistic and it worked. Why didn't I know this sooner?

I eventually tried to ask my mother about my childhood and what kind of child I was. She is of course road me off and told me the therapist was uneducated and that I wasn't an r-word. This upset me. She completely invalidated me when I finally feel like I can be myself on the outside and not keep it locked in. I didn't let her get me down or change my mind. This made sense to me so who was she to do that to me? She isn't a doctor how would she know better? I continued with coping and unmasking. Knowing I could unmask when I feel safe was hard. It's still a task and it's still exhausting but I'm doing it. I'm finally starting to feel free and I am much happier in my skin so far. I don't know why anyone would ever try to force someone to be normal when we're beautiful just as we are.

[mangodestroyer]

Analysis like this is why Crowley and Azirphale are my current hyperfixation. You're right, there really is so much to unpack. I sometimes have to wonder about Neil, even Terry, at times. Moreso Neil Gaiman though because I've read his books (but haven't yet read a Terry Pratchett book), and I find it interesting how there appears to be themes of characters going through some adverse interpersonal relationships. Especially with parents. Is everything alright, Neil?

I personally find neurodiversity and cPTSD to be a bit of a nightmare at times. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do get along well with some people. Not everyone in my life has hurt me. But enough people have. I've stopped masking my communication disorder as much because I've found that the only worthwhile people are those who love me when I'm being myself. And I actually find that people love me more when I embrace the things that make me different. Being guarded and repressing my true identity seems to be something that lets the wrong people in and scared off people who might have actually wanted to get to know me. So yeah, like I've said, there's a lot of work to do. Learning how to be a healthy human being and whatnot.

And again, these two are now my hyperfixation. I mean, I am so utterly OBSESSED. I've never been so fascinated by two fictional characters. Never in my life did I ever think I'd look at an angel and a demon working together to stop Armageddon and say, "We have so much in common!"

It's also just sometimes hard not to go on long tangents about them when someone brings up something I've been thinking about. Or never acknowledged before but find fascinating.

And you know what? Because Crowley and Aziraphale seem so much like neurodivergent humans who came from abusive households, it was impossible for me not to start writing a human AU analyzing what I think they'd be like as, well, humans! Oh, sure, I also used it as an excuse to work through my own problems trauma dump through my favorite characters, but there really is more to it than that. Because there are so many other things that kind of make Crowley and Aziraphale stand out from the other angels and demons. So they are neurodivergent and have trauma. In the human AU, I have also made them atheist/agnostic. Because they seem like the celestial version of that as well. I put a lot of thought into how they'd navigate a human world without supernatural powers, what their life experiences would be, what they'd be like if they were young (they're in their 20's in this fic rather than being middle aged like their actors), and so much more.

And let me tell you, I have also fallen so much in love with their human versions. Like, I'm sorry, but I love the idea of young Crowley being edgy at times cause he hasn't processed his trauma yet (he's not supposed to be abusive or anything, he just sometimes gets very cynical about stuff, tries to act like he's cool and put together and failing miserable at that, and unfortunately failing to be mindful of others at times because of neurodiversity, depression getting him stuck in his own head, and realizing he needs to learn more about the world and still has some growing up to do). Also, he's a dork at times cause of his youth and lack of experience with shit (after all, this Crowley didn't have 6,000 years to figure stuff out). It'd probably make more sense when actually written out. The early 20's are just odd, especially when you're from a rough background and are neurodivergent because you are an adult. But you don't feel like one. You still feel like a child. So while you are more mature than a teenager, you still struggle with handling adulthood. And you sometimes still have blunders. Or maybe that's just been my own experience. As a ND adult. Maybe NTs do have it easier (but I'm not sure about that either cause I've had older people tell me that when they were my age, they were still having some angst and struggling to "get" it, and these people are NT). Idk, maybe I just feel like early 20's angst doesn't get enough attention in stories.

I'm not really sure how to describe my Aziraphale. He's just... Aziraphale. So perfectly Aziraphale. I love Aziraphale! He's intelligent. He hyperfixates on things. And Crowley is more than happy to let him do so cause he likes seeing how passionate he can get. He's also sassy. He's kind most of the time, but I want to believe that he is capable of saying something that stings if you really upset him (kind of feel bittersweet and nervous about the chapter where this is relevant, but I think it is necessary to add this into my story as it goes back to the whole being inexperienced thing, trauma stunting you, ND causing embarrassing mistakes and disheartening results, and showing the protag is flawed and needs to figure shit out). But let me tell you, while he's not exactly smooth with everyone, I just like the idea of him sometimes being smooth with Crowley. It's a trope and a take on the character I like seeing in other fics. Even if Crowley sometimes teases him in canon (he teases him in my fic too). So he's not always smooth. He's just another weird (in a good way) adult who appreciates the soft dork Crowley actually is deep down.

I'm sorry, this story has been living in my head rent free for a while now. It's an extension of my GOs brainrot. Like I said, these two are literally consuming my soul. And when I do see human AUs, it's often these two in middle age. There actually isn't a whole lot of young Crowley and Aziraphale. And I think that's a shame because there is so much you can do with that. And also, it would be adorable. I can't even put it into words right now why it feels so special to me. It just makes me so oddly nostalgic for them because it's young (but not immature) love. And it's wholesome. And I wish I could experience it irl.

Like you said, lots to unpack. Lots of brainrot to be had.

I am certain no one has seen Aziraphale before Crowley.

The archangels look at him, but their vaguely-disgusted sneers and veneer smiles were already affixed as firmly as their hands are clasped together. They look at him, but they don't see him.

I'm certain that when Crowley looks at him curiously, it doesn't make him feel bothered, it makes him feel SEEN.

[lost-alien-s]

TW- abuse mentioned, being mocked/made fun of by authority figures

Ask for more TW if it needs it, idk, but it triggered the hell out of me just remembering it.

ADHD Stimming

I have been seeing a lot of content about adhd stimming recently, and kept trying to think of any sort of stimming I've I've done. But I couldn't think of anything for the longest time. Until just a minute ago I saw someone's timtok about just always masking without even trying, like it's their default. And for some reason that made me remember something I used to do and don't anymore.

One day I was walking along through a church potluck, post eating, everyone was gathered in groups chatting or leaving or cleaning. I was alone and kinda bored, and as I was walking I had my hands together in front of me, twiddling all my fingers together. Then along comes my teacher/principle (I went to the churches small private school, the principle was the teacher and the associate pastor) makes direct eye contact, grinning like a made man, and aggressively twiddling his fingers together, clearly making fun of me. I was now very self conscious of that and repressed that for of stimming after that, to the pint I never do it now and completely forgot I used to.

And after looking up some adhd stimming I realized I used to twirl my hair, I no longer do, I do brush it back with my fi gers frequently, but it's definitely a repressed for of just playing with my hair. I used to bounce my leg a lot in school and sometimes out, but mostly in; I think that ones mostly a situational thing, it's just not coming naturally at this point, less of a repression thing. And I used to drum my fingers a lot on whatever nearby surface, that one definitely annoyed people, and I imagine that's why I no longer do. Also after I had my kid and was carrying him around a lot as a baby I'd just constantly pat him gently while I did, someone pointed that out and made fun of me for that as well, and that was also a middle aged male authority figure, the pastors son/teen Sunday school teacher. Gotta love that.

But I have remembered, I did used to stim, and was blatantly mocked by a middle aged authority figure.

On the note of being made fun of as a teen by adult male authority figures- My mom once gave me a black eye and made me hide with while going to school, obviously. Makeup wasn't cutting it, so I'd keep my hair draped over my eye to extra hide it. And the pastor came over one day while I was on break and just pulled my hair over my face like a curtain.

No wonder I've repressed everything. I'm going to have to add a lot of tws to this aren't I.