#and then you out here buttass naked

[gemkun]

my insanity knows no bounds

[sturncrazy]

PITSTOP🔥

matt sturniolo x y/n (fem)

warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT nsfw 18 +(exhibitionism?, dom matt, language, unprotected sex, kinda rough, lil kinky at the end)

authors note: writin some matt content for variety 🤌 this is slightly inspired by that one time matt forcibly yanked nick out of the car cause that moment lives in my head rent free.

summary: you and your boyfriend matt are driving home from an event )you were his date) when you get bored and start teasing him more than he can handle

word count: 2,254 w

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you sighed, stretching you arms above your head to the roof of the car.

“you tired, babe?” Matt questioned, not moving his eyes from the road

“mmm a little” you responded. it was a calm warm night driving along one of the quieter roads. you watched out the window looking at the few stars you could spot in the clear night sky. the car hummed peacefully while Matt’s playlist played low in the background.

You let out a small hiss of pain as you rolled out your ankles, suddenly aware the damage wearing heels for the night had done to you.

“what’s wrong?” Matt asked, concerned.

“nothin, feet just hurt from my shoes”

“oh, take ‘em off? you can put your feet up on the dash. might help with blood flow or somethin” he replied. you took his advice and kicked off the evil pointed toe stilettos you had on after unbuckling the ankle straps. you sighed in relief as you lifted your legs up and stretched them out. the silky black dress you had on had a slit up the left side and as you raised your legs half the fabric slipped between your thighs, exposing your left leg up to the side of your thong.

“woooo look at those legs…gonna make me crash the car if you distract me like that, babe” matt said stealing a glance at your body next to him. you felt a small flutter in your stomach at his comment. Matt had that effect on you so easily. even this far along into your relationship. it only ever took him even suggesting sex for you to be all over him.

“distracting you? whaaaat? i’m just gettin comfy” you teased hiking your dress up all the way and moving your bare legs around slightly.

“cmon y/n, at least wait til we’re home” Matt chuckled trying to keep his peeks at you subtle. you dramatically fussed around in your seat and whined.

“this dress is uncomfy. the straps are itchy”

“mmm” matt mumble ignoring you. you huffed, exasperated that he wasn’t giving you any attention. you whined again and reached to your side to start tugging at your zipper which made a loud sound as you pulled it.

“wha-what are you doing?” matt stuttered looking over at you. he knew that sound.

“i’m taking the top of it off. it’s bugging me.” you stated flatly.

“y/n, you can’t take your dress off in the car”

“i said I’m taking the top of it off. don’t worry i’m not gonna sit here totally buttass naked”

“still what if someone sees or something” matt said worriedly as you started to pull your arms out of the straps, still holding the top part of the dress up to cover your boobs.

“well then, lucky them” you replied letting go of your hold of the fabric. it slipped down easily sitting around your stomach, leaving you exposed from your bellybutton up. the cool air from the cars ac hit your skin making your nipples perk up immediately.

“jesus y/n” matt rasped out, swallowing loudly looking at your exposed tits. you played stupid and turned to him.

“what?”

“you know what. you have your tits out in my car and i’m trying to drive. don’t be dumb with me right now” he huffed getting pissed off at you. his grip tightened on the steering wheel and you felt a wetness start to form between your legs as you watched his tattooed arm muscles flex slightly. you leaned across the arm rest and up to his ear and kissed it lightly and then bit on his earlobe slightly.

“seriously y/n? this is unsafe”

“how far from getting home are we, matty?” you panted into his ear.

“like 25 minutes. now sit back down.” you whined loudly, crashing back into your seat.

“that’s too loonnnggg”

“too long for what”

“to wait. i’m horny now, matty” you said in your brattiest tone.

“so? not my problem. control yourself, y/n” he said ignoring you again. this was the last straw. his seeming lack of interest had pushed you too far. you needed to get under his skin. and you needed something to sooth the building pressure between your legs that was crying for attention. you placed your legs back up on the dash and let your knees fall to either side, leaning one against the window and intentionally dropping the other to give matt as clear of a view as possible. the crotch of your mesh thong was now fully on display. you shivered as the cool air blasting from the vents reached new places. you took a hand and ran it across your still exposed tits before dragging it down your stomach and into the space between your legs. you let out a small moan and threw your head back against your headrest as you began to press your fingers up against the soaked mesh fabric. slowly you pushed it aside and began to run two fingers up and down your slick folds which created an audibly wet sound.

“y/n what the fuck are you doing” matt barked looking over at you.

“fixing my problem since clearly you’re no help” you hissed as you began to drag circles over your clit. you let out another exaggerated moan, bordering on pornographic and closed your eyes. you felt matt make a sharp turn with the car. a few moments later, half still in the trace of your self inflected pleasure, you became aware that the car had stopped moving. you fluttered your eyes open just in time to see matt getting out of the car and slam his door. you had just enough time to process your visible surroundings as he made his way around the car to your side. you were somewhere wooded and darker, pulled off on the side of what looked to be a dead road. maybe matt really had had enough of your toying with him and this is where he’d brought you to get rid of you. you felt your leg fall down, loosing its support, as your side door swung open. before you had time to question what was going on matt yanked you out of the car by your wrist. you stumbled slightly trying to get your footing on the grassy patch beneath you. he slammed his body up against your back and roughly wrapped one arm around your waist to pull you impossibly closer

“bend over the hood of the car” he growled into your ear still behind you

“matt-wha—here? but—“

“you wanna act like a little slut on the road and touch yourself for anyone to see? then you’ll get fucked like a little slut for anyone to see. i said. bend over the fucking hood of the car now.” he snarled before unlatching from your waist and giving you a slight push in his desired direction. you obliged as a combination of nerves and desire stuttered through your body. you reached the hood of the car and leaned over it pressing your stomach and chest with your half-on dress up against the cool metal of the vehicle.

“lift up your dress” matt said firmly from behind you. once again you listened as you bunched up the fabric that covered your legs and ass and tucked it under your upper half to hold it up.

“good girl.” he said and you felt a harsh slap hit your backside. you let out a small shriek at the sensation. it hurt, but in a good way. a way that made you want more. he pushed his crotch, still in his jeans, up against your bare skin.

“you look so fuckable like this, y/n” he said thrusting his covered hardon against you more harshly.

“matt—please” you whined out. he wrapped a fistful of your hair around his wrist and yanked your head back.

“what was that, slut?” he snarled into your ear again.

“please matt— i need you” you panted desperately

“you begging for my cock already, you little whore?” he said slipping a hand around between your legs and beginning to rub his long slender fingers up and down the soaking thin mesh layer covering your pussy. you whimpered uncontrollably at the sensation.

“tell me what you need” he said continuing to send electricity through your body as he rubbed at your pulsing bundle of nerves

“please matt- i - i need you— i need you to fuck me— i need to feel you inside of me right now” you croaked out hearing the sound of a zipper being undone. he shoved the pathetic bit of fabric covering your dripping folds to the side

“that’s my good girl” he cooed sinisterly before slamming into you without warning. you let out a loud cry at the sensation of him so suddenly stretching you out. matt and you had had sex more than a few thousand times, but you’d never quite get used to his size. you heard him grunt as your walls clenched around him.

“fuck i love that tight little pussy” he grunted slowly pulling back out of you.

“so big matt—it—it hurts” you slurred out breathlessly

“oh don’t act like you can’t take it now, baby” he said pushing you harshly down against the car hood, your face smushing up against it slightly before he slammed back into you again filling you up.

“OH GOD MATT” you yelped out in half pain and half ecstasy. he began to thrust into you at a relentless pace. you let out a string of curses and moans so loud and pathetic it put most porn to shame.

“you like when i fuck you like the little slut you are out here for anyone to see?” matt groaned as he slapped your ass again, never letting up on his pace

“fuuuu—yes matt oh fuck” you cried out desperately fighting to breath through his ramming into your dripping hole. he pushed one hand down on your lower back forcing your ass even higher up making his hard length push even deeper into you. you thought the sensation would make you pass out.

“yeah? want everyone to watch me fuck you and see how pathetic you are for my dick, huh?”

“yes yes yes” you moaned

“fuuuucckk you feel so fucking good y/n” he exhaled leaning slightly over you now, supporting himself with his arms on either side of you pressing against the car hood, never stopping his thrusts.

the sound of his hips slapping your ass as he tirelessly slammed his throbbing dick inside of you must’ve been audible from miles away.

“matt shit i’m close” you horsely managed to squeak out

“yeah? you gonna cum all over my cock for me princess?” he said before biting down into the soft flesh of your shoulder. you let out another cry and felt the pit in your stomach of tension start to build up to its final moments.

“cmon babygirl. cum for me” those words sent you over the edge as you let out an unimaginably loud moan and felt yourself ooze your release juices and clench uncontrollably around him. he let out a low growl as his thrusts started becoming more messy.

“oh fuck i’m gonna cum y/n”

“mmm yes matty cum all over my pussy” you said still coming down from your high

“FUCK oh fuck i’m cumming i’m gonna cum” he stuttered pulling out of you abruptly just in time to coat your folds with thick spurts of his hot release. he shuddered collapsing on top of you slightly. you let out a small satisfied mmm as he tried to catch his breath.

“do you want me to try to find you a tissue or something” he said pulling back from you, looking at the mess he’d made of you.

“no” you stated calmly turning to face him.

“i like it this way.” you said readjusting your thong back over your sticky area enjoying the look of both awe and slight embarrassment that flushed matt’s sweet face.

“god your hot” he said pulling you in for a genuine kiss then heading back for his side of the car.

“y’know when we first pulled up here i thought you’d actually brought me out here to kill me” you laughed climbing back into the passenger seat and shutting the door behind you.

“what? cmon y/n, you know i’d never hurt you” said matt as he settled into his seat seemingly truly concerned by your accusation

“no no i know trust me”

“i mean i might fuck you so hard you wish you were dead, but that’s a different story” he said bashfully looking at his feet, he’s usual shyness taking back over slightly. both adorable and hot. he really could do no wrong. you giggled lightly and leaned over giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“i love you matty” you said sweetly

“i love you too, y/n” he said smiling at you. you grinned back at him still leaning over your seat loving getting to look at his face this close up. you always adored those big blue eyes. he blinked at you softly and then peered down your gaping dress raising his eyebrows dramatically.

“think you have a round two in you when we get home?” he asked with a grin

“maaattt” you said giving him a small slap on the chest

“what?”

“you’re not tired after that whole display?” you questioned

“oh please y/n, we’re just getting started” he said starting the car engine.

————————————————————————— uhh lowkey i rly like this one??

[moochalove]

Last Nights Mistakes and New Beginnings (Pt. 3)

(yandere!kazuha x pregnant!reader x scaramouche)

This one took me awhile to write bcs I was thinking about all the possibilities….. 🥹 I think i’m okay with how this one turned out… I promise the baby will become relevant 🗣️ (next part, trust)

word count: guys next part i’ll add a word count i promise…

not proofread 🫢 just pretend my mistakes aren’t present 😋

TW: Alcohol mention

You try to get up out of bed but there’s a weight on you. Opening your eyes you’re met with the sight of Kazuha, he’s resting on you so peacefully. It totally contradicts his actions from before. He’s holding onto you as if you were about to disappear. Trying to recall why he was here causes your mind to feel numb but also ache.

Once you realize your position your heart starts beating faster and faster. Was he gonna keep you inside by force? Or was he gonna just get up and leave? That’s something he’s good at doing… But from what you know he probably won’t wanna let you go so soon… Should you kick and scream your way out? Hmm… It wouldn’t be too ideal to run out of your house buttass naked either… If you had to you would. Or… You could try and manipulate Kazuha into thinking you’re willing to accept him as he is and coax him into letting you outside even for a second before bolting to one of your acquainted neighbors' homes. Surely they’ll understand and let you in, that is if you can make it to them before he catches up with you. You know for a fact the door is unlocked since he’s been glued to you ever since he broke in.

Going through with this plan meant you would learn shame and humiliation but if it meant getting your freedom back and possibly this creep locked up, you knew you could do it. You had to.

Hands snake up into his cream-colored hair, gently massaging circles into his scalp. He returns the favor, arms with slight a bulk hug around your waist, his head lays on your chest, “You’re up.” You want to push him away and curl up into a ball but you know in order for your plan to work you’ll need to be open with him. “I’m sorry about earlier, maybe I was overreacting… Will you forgive me?” eyebrows furrow with deceptive guilt as you pout ever so slightly. Pulling him into a hug you can feel him smile into your neck, “Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetheart.” If only you could truly be clean of his touch, at first you treasured it but now it’s something you want to run from. “I’ll go get the warm water started, wait here.” After placing a small kiss on your cheeks he leaves your room, leaving the door open so he can keep an eye on you.

You take this chance to grab your phone and message Scara since he’s the only one who understands the situation to some extent-

“He got me. send help.” Alongside the message you send your address, someone will surely come help this time.

You shove the phone into a pillowcase and leave it on the floor. Rushing to lay back down and act like nothing happened Kazuha walks back into the room before scooping you up with ease (no matter your size) and is carrying you to the bathroom.

Holding a clear glass of what looks to be water? He nudges it against your lips implying for you to open. Hesitantly parting your lips you slowly gulp down the liquids. Once it passes your throat you’re coughing it up, it was alcohol. Instinctively your face scrunches up and you fear the worst for your baby, you’d rather consume no alcohol during your time but unfortunately, you weren’t able to do so. Kazuha on the other hand is laughing at the way you choke and cough it up, he takes a swig of it before he kisses you, forcing more down your throat. “We drank that the night we met, don’t you remember? Actually, probably not. It’s pretty strong,”

•

•

•

Scaramouche had been napping lightly on his uncomfortable bed. He shoots up immediately when his phone goes off, blurry eyes scan through the short message, and he’s immediately calling the authorities. Much to his surprise, they called him to the station that wasn’t too far. They wanted to see the message to make sure it wasn’t some cruel joke. Running as fast as his legs would take him he finally arrived at the police station clutching his phone in hand. Quickly pulling up the message he shows them it, immediately they realize they got a call from the same number a while ago they decide it’s worth investigating.

Someone at the front desk tries to calm him down and assure him you’ll be okay but he’s more angry at himself. He should’ve just stayed with you, even if it meant Kazuha would be upset with him, not like it meant much to him anyway. After a few minutes of beating himself up an image of you flashes in his mind calming him down.

•

•

•

You can’t really remember much but all of a sudden you’re in a beautiful dress, your makeup is done slightly, and your hair is awfully soft from being brushed. Pacing around the living room you’re hiccuping every couple of minutes and your face feels hot. Every time you try to form a coherent thought it feels like it’s being melted away by something invisible. Suddenly your hand is clasped by a large one, it strokes your thumb and gives your own an affirming squeeze. He holds onto your shoulder and you both start to sway to the soft music in the background. Laying your head on his chest with a gentle smile you hold onto him dearly as his hand snakes around your waist as he spins you around before dipping in for a kiss. Upon release, you smile happily as giggles erupt from your chest. Everything feels so wrong but you can’t seem to distinguish the fact that it’s wrong.

There’s a loud bang on the door that causes you to hold your head. Something about it is familiar. He lays you on the couch and places a blanket over you to keep you warm from the cold outside air.

To his surprise it was two policemen, they tried poking their heads inside but were stopped by Kazuha shifting his body.

“Can I help you?” he asked so innocently. “We received a report of domestic violence and we just wanted to confirm everything was alright.”

“Is that so… Well, my niece did accidentally call the authorities. Although me and my girlfriend have been drinking, perhaps we were being too loud-“

“We would like to come in and inspect the house.” without warning they push him aside and immediately they are met with a wasted you.

“Kazu~ You didn’f tell me you w-hic were inviting people over!” Lazily throwing the blanket off of you and attempt to stand but immediately fall back onto the couch. “Mmm sorry, can’t seem to hic- stand..”

“How much have you been drinking?” one of the cops asked flatly. “Mmm not mmmuch- hic” your words slurred. “Would you happen to have your phone on you?” he seemed fed up with your drunken behavior. “I don’t… I don’t know where it’s a-at…” a sudden wave of sleepiness crashed over you, you stretched out your limbs before curling into the blanket. Once you sober up you’re going to regret your actions.

“Well, she’s out cold.” Kazuha rubbed the back of his neck before apologizing quietly to the officers. Before they left they wanted to inspect the house quickly, so he showed them around, in the bedrooms, bathrooms, backyard, and kitchen. They seemed impressed with how nice the house was and with Kazuha’s smooth talking they were out just as quick as they came in. Once again, he apologized for the inconvenience and wished them a good night.

•

•

•

Once the cops return they tell him the situation and he probably misunderstood it. Scara is a mess inside his head. Guess you really can’t rely on cops to do anything, huh. He needed to get to you and confirm you’re safe and sound if he didn’t want you around someone like Kazuha at first- he most definitely doesn’t want you around him now. It’s already late and if those cops were telling the truth, which he doesn’t see why they would lie, you’d probably be sleeping. (Hopefully not comfortably in Kazuha’s arms) Huffing out a sigh he walks back home. Even though you officially just met he’s fallen so hard for you, this wouldn’t be the first time.

You don’t remember since it was so long ago but you both used to be childhood friends. Both of your parents were always busy with work-related stuff and it was too easy to leave you both at a daycare. At first, you didn’t get along, both of you would argue about which color was better, which fruit, who had a better imaginary friend, and the list goes on... Over time you both learned to agree with one another and eventually, you started sharing things. The staff were always amazed at how you both went from disliking each other to practically being glued to each other. After some time your mother decided to quit her job so you wouldn’t feel alone so she pulled you out from daycare. This had Scaramouche confused and hurt. Did you dislike him? Had he done something wrong? Maybe he was being mean and didn’t notice. Ever since you left the staff noticed how he played by himself in the corner often with a scowl on his face. It felt like a part of him was missing.

Once again, both of you are now in middle school. Immediately he recognized you but held his tongue. Your seat was in front of his for art class but you never seemed to talk to anyone other than your friends. He wanted so bad to talk to you but could never build up the courage. Throughout the whole year you never once spoke to each other, he took it pretty hard… After all that time, you’re still upset with him.

The final time you see him is in high school, you’re both sophomores. You had dropped something in the hallway outside of your homeroom, a very fancy mechanical pen, to be exact. Scaramouche didn’t grow up poor but he wasn’t too fond of asking for specific things because he didn’t want his mom to think he was interested in it and end up buying him boxes of said things. It immediately caught his eye, he looked around before he went down to snatch it. His face went cold with fear when someone else’s hand bumped into his. Usually, he was careful with these things yet this time he would surely get caught. Immediately he played it off with an awkward laugh before pulling away, yet his heart skipped a beat when he was met with familiar e/c orbs staring back at him. It’s not awkward at all, staring into each other’s eyes it looks like you both long to say something but it’s immediately cut short when both of your friends approach from behind.

“Hey Y/n, what’s taking you so long- is this guy tryna steal from you- Don’t worry Y/n, I’ll make sure he never tries to steal from others again-!”Breaking the longing stares you turn around to call down your Oni friend Itto. “Woah woah- Calm down Itto- Nobody is trying to steal anything from anyone- Kokomi come get him, please.” She yanked him by the back of his jacket, trying to ease the situation by removing him.

“Oh yeah? Maybe you should pick on someone your own size, buddy.” Replied a certain ginger who looked like he was already throwing off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

“For goodness sake- we’re going to be late. Let’s go!” The tall blond lady replied in annoyance, she’s pinching the bridge of her nose.

Scaramouche awkwardly picks up the pencil before handing it back to you. After that, he just removes himself from the situation.

Childe is yanking Itto’s longer hair, in return Itto has his larger hand on Childe’s face, and both look ready to take a swing at each other. A small crowd has formed around them both. Signora simply grabs Childe by the scruff of his shirt before dragging him away. “You’re making a scene, ugh. All over one measly pen. Pathetic, both of you.” Signora’s scoldings were always hard and cold. “It doesn’t matter I already returned it-“ “Oh? Who knew you had a heart! I’m sure that girl is practically head over heels for you now.” She spat coldly as she navigated both of them through the crowd of people who gathered to watch the brawl, halfway through she dropped Childe, “Ow- thought I was getting a free ride to class, guess not.” “As if, I just got my nails done. Now on your feet.” Scaramouche laughed at their interactions, he knew some people might view them as cold and scary but to him they were his friends. “What are you laughing at, it’s creeping me out.” Signora feigned a disgusted voice but she was also smiling. “Oh, nothing. Let’s get to class, Teach is probably mad that we’re late.”

Meanwhile back at your group Kokomi is scolding Itto in a mean voice, the next second she’s apologizing to the teacher in a calm and collected voice. Itto doesn’t really care he’s more upset that someone tried stealing from his friend. He immediately stands straight when he hears Shinobu’s cold voiced ask what all the commotion was. He should probably run…

You, on the other hand, are fiddling with the pen. Have you met that person before? He looked like he knew you and wanted to say something.

Originally you wanted to thank him (even though he was trying to steal your expensive pen…) as an excuse to talk to him and get to know him but… he always seemed to be surrounded by his large group of friends. You knew they wouldn’t let you talk to him alone either... As much as it bothered you, you let bygones be bygones.

•

•

•

By the time he’s done thinking about he’s already home. So surely, getting some rest will make some of the stress go away, right?

•

•

When you open your eyes your head pounds and aches into your skull. What happened? Something about this feels familiar. You should feel sad and alone but the warmth behind you proves otherwise. Blinking a few times you try and figure out your best move. Should you just get up or should you try and coax him to get up with you? What did it matter? He’s holding you captive in your own home. The doors are probably locked anyways… Thoughts freeze in place when you feel warm kisses placed on the nape of your neck.

“Good morning, beautiful.” his voice is raspy, laced with sleepiness. If the circumstances were different you would probably be kissing him from how sexy he sounded. Luckily? Unfortunately? The circumstances are waaayyy different.

Curling up into a ball you let out small painful whimpers while holding onto your head. You always had the worst hangovers when you didn’t have something to worry or be sad about in the morning. Odd… This is something you should be worried about but… you can’t help but feel yourself play the part too well. Maybe it’s the numbing fear getting to your head, hmm…

Once again he’s bathing you and dressing you like his own personal doll. “Today, I was thinking we could go get you some new clothes. Your life will be changing from now on, so you’re gonna need a new, and cuter, wardrobe! No offense but I noticed you've gained some weight since we last spent the night together. Don't worry though, I think it's cute!” a smile crept up on his face as he brushed your hair before placing cute hairpins in it. Fighting the urge to tell him off how you didn’t want to wear whatever he had planned for you and that he should go find someone else, you hold your tongue back, painfully. Instead, you reply with a hum and nod. Your hand laid over your stomach, for the sake of your baby, you're going to get out of this situation no matter what.

Guiding you to his fancy and expensive car he, like the gentleman he is, opens the door for you and buckles you in. Immediately you notice the harsh perfume smell and spot fake eyelashes, sealed condoms, and a very certain tone of blue hair on the floor of the car. Just seeing the hair strand made you feel upset at Kazuha, surely Ayaka’s brother would beat the shit out of him if he knew he wasn’t loyal to his younger sister and that one day he may break her heart. You felt bad for all the girls he’s treated badly in his life, what brought him to the point where he felt the need to treat such amazing women so badly? Not dwelling on the thought too much because you’ll make yourself sad, you look forward at all the passing cars and people.

If only they knew you were being held captive. Not for long though, a certain Scaramouche is currently deciding his best move to get you away from Kazuha’s tight grasp.

♡ taglist: @swivy123

[brood-mother]

sometimes my cat will yell incessantly for you to come watch him eat which on one hand is cute bc it means he feels safe around me 🥰 but on the other hand being forced out of bed to stand buttass naked in the kitchen at 3.31am watching the little bastard horf down dry bickies that were already put out for him hours ago in order to stop what is tantamount to a hairy tornado siren going off, well. i think the toxoplasmosis got me because what the FUCK are we doing here bro

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Elf on the shelf and pedo on the net

Merry Christmas/Holidays, everyone!

So I think you know what this post is going to be about. The one comic, that has become a christmas tradition at hypocrisy's blog.

Released mere days before Christmas of 2016 -which Dobson likely considered ruined, because it was Trumps first Christmas after he won the election 2016- the comic shows two male stripers, with one pondering that the reason he joined the profession, may be related to some rather “unsavoury” kinks he developed as a result of a Christmas tradition.

Now being from Europe, I myself didn’t even know of the “Elf on the Shelf” until I saw this comic. Though a quick google search made me realize, why that was: The entire idea of putting an elf doll on the shelf to “watch over the kid” wasn’t even a thing until a children book came out in 2004, that promoted the idea. The real take off of the Elf being around the first half of the 2010s and since then having managed to creep its way into the popcultural subconscious.

Yeah, if you can’t tell, I am not really a fan of that thing, based on the designs I saw. Also the idea of “surveilling” your children to see if they are naughty or nice feels rather creepy. And I grew up in a culture that accepts the idea of good old Saint Nicolas and his henchman Rudolph/Krampus putting the bad ones into their place via spanking or worse.

However, Dobson managed to make the concept even creepier by virtue of relating it to a masturbation punchline. Which in turn makes you just ponder, what the heck is wrong with Dobson?

So, let us just dissect this thing quick, before it sours any positive Christmas mood.

First, Dobson supposedly did the comic, because in his opinion the “Elf on the Shelf” sends a strange message to kids…

And to be fair, a lot of kids seemingly hate the creepy little doll and “experts” have called it out at being psychologically damaging. Going so far as to say the toy “normalizes” the concept of constant surveillance and that it would be okay. Which personally I think is a bit of a stretch, but not entirely inaccurate also. So making fun of the concept of the doll, totally okay with me. Heck, Teen Titans Go did an entire episode mocking the thing.

But Dobson’s attempt of making fun of it, just crosses into genuine creeper territory, for one simple reason: Sexualization of minors.

Look, I don’t believe Dobson is a pedophile -though his poor choice of wordings on twitter posts and certain aspects of art pieces can give the impression- and the situation Dobson shows in the comic is not explicitly pornographic. After all, we don’t see the kid like buttass naked pumping the bike pump while the elf stares. I now give you five minutes to hopefully delete that mental image with enough eggnog at your disposal.

But it still turns “sexual”…

An implication that is not very subtle for a couple of reasons.

First, the person asked and thinking back to the Christmas tradition is a male stripper. A job in the sex works. By the way, respect for people in that job (independent of the sex) for being able to work without feeling objectified (or too much) and managing to keep a decent body shape. Hope also for your safety out there.

Which I am not just saying because Dobson incidentally tries to mock male strippers in the comic in my opinion. After all, we all know Dobson hates men. And when men aren’t some MRA morons or fat misanthropic nerds, they can’t be anything but dumb male himbos or potentially depraved homosexuals who got kinky by perverting a Christmas children tradition.

Yeah, I am stretching here a bit, but we are talking about Dobson. The guy was always more than open to the idea of making gay men the butt of some joke in Alex ze Pirate.

Am I really supposed to believe he changed that attitude?

But back to the comic. The second reason why obvious the entire thing has sexual undertones as punchline… just look at that face

That is the face of someone masturbating under the blanket. The sultry eyes, the blush on his face, one hand under the cover while the other is above, bitting his lip… if that thing were animated, I bet the kid would be moaning and I could report Dobson to some authority.

And yeah, that is really what the entire creepiness of the comic boils down too. The face of the kid that leaves no other room for interpretation except “a sex pun, based on a “Christmas tradition” targeted at really small kids. With the final panel feeling like Dobson likely had a good laugh at his “joke”, thinking others would react the same.

Well, the reaction doesn’t seem to have been what Dobson hoped for, cause he would later release the following tweet.

Two things to that: First, I think the reason people were “confused” Dobson (confused likely means here, asked him if he is a pedo), was that they kinda didn’t want to think you were going into that “sexualized” territory because that would raise more red flags than you obsessing over KorraSami. And would have also felt rather out of character for you, cause of how prudish you become at the subject of sexualization.

Second, accusing others of lacking imagination and that therefore little things like that comic stump them. Dobbitch, I have read every major comic you ever made, if anyone lacks imagination, it is you. Your mental capacity for imagining stuff is lower than of a braindead person in a coma. And the fact that a self declared “child friendly” webartist focuses most of the time on the punchline “character X is thirsty”…

even if the character in question is underaged, makes me think you are enjoying Belgian porn on the sideline.

Overall, the comic is just creepy. But not in the way that it makes the doll itself creepy and therefore the butt of the joke. Rather it makes the artist behind the comic creepy, because he tries to imagine a scenario where that thing causes someone to spring their first boner.

The sad thing being, Dobson could have easily made the comic creepier and funnier at the same time, fi he just had put the focus of the comic on the puppet and not the kid. For example, of all the things in the world, I think Family Guy could make the joke of a creepy elf puppet work, if it played out like that: Lois puts an elf on the shelf for every kid in the house, including Chris.

Chris goes to bed, camera focuses on him, turning around, the puppet is cut off from you.

Chris says “good night”  to the elf.

Zoom out to show the shelf, now it is Herbert the creepy neighbour in an elf costume on the shelf saying “Night, Chris”

There. Now if you excuse me, I need to take a shower. Not necessarily from reviewing that comic, but because I actually wrote out a Family Guy joke.

[invaderzia1]

Look, i know your dating the guy his brother killed, but like listen:

Mikey with a spit kink. HeAr me oUt. He thinks its so fucking filthy and degrading, but he likes how the look of his spit rolling inside your mouth and just, pushing it around with his thumb. It’s like he’s leaving his mark on a whole ass other way.

The thing is he tried it out without EVER mentioning any of it to his partner so the shocked looked on their face when he pulled you mouth open and just spit a fat one in your mouth that just said " w h a t. T h e. F u c k. Do you think you just did?" And motherfucker’s not even aware of the danger coming he’s way (man be thinking with his dick at the moment) until the felt a hand grab him by his jaw, pull him in and feel that long fat and w e t stripe going from under his chin, to the corner of his lips, to the top of his eyeslids until it reach his hairline, he just got lick real fucking hard. He’s scared. Its not sexy anymore. He wasn’t ready for that.

Now here we are, mikey, buttass naked running around the appartment because he doesn’t want his partner anywhere near him like he didn’t start the whole thing up because mister didn’t think about telling you something he wanted to try. "Disgusting, y/n-chi!"

Big baby 😑

I’m taking the first half of this post and running with it, in a separate post because since you sent me this it has haunted me and reminded me how much of a nasty whore I am. a spit kink, in this economy? during Covid? it’s more likely than you think.

but also, 100000% I can see him trying this and him thinking he’s being hot as fuck, only to get a harsh reminder around consent. like, he dropped this kink on you randomly and suddenly when you take a long lick of his face you’re the nasty one. sure, manjiro. whatever 🙄

[viovio]

OKAY OKAY LAST ONE. LAST ONE. SORRY FOR ALL THIS. This is the Kuroto figure (with him being one of the only characters to get a figure out of suit and THE only character to get two of those iirc, as a beloved fan favorite). Iwanaga ADORES it and says he wants to be buried with one.

You may notice that it looks awful. For a very long time I have wondered why the hell it looks like that when every other out of suit KR figure looks just fine and very much like the actor (one artist I follow repainted theirs so it actually looks like him but still unnerving). Apparently the answer to this great mystery is that Iwanaga personally approached the person in charge and asked them to make the figure look creepy and unpleasant, which I think says a lot about him. Also this haunts me

My final message: this is the scene where he gets naked, I'd like you to try to decipher what's going on

there's so much going on here. the figure. the fact that they HEEDED HIS REQ. ITS LIKE A SON TO HIM. THE DONT LOOK HES ASS. don't provide context for that scene at All cuz i think i get it but sometimes you do have to strip down buttass naked to physically alter your dna and become a god i totally understand. kuroto dan jim carrey grin i want him tucked in with me in bed. i would pour milk on him if i could

[writingsbychlo]

i dont know if you use tiktok a lot but theres this trend where girlfriends / wives walk in on their men playing video games or doing whatever buttass naked... how do you think dylan and his characters would react to that? (not fiming it for tiktok obviously)

you guys, I seriously had so much fun writing this.

Stiles

Sending another snap to the girls, you typed furiously at the screen, each of their bubbles lighting up at the bottom with speech bubbles as they all typed, equal sounds of irritation from all of them.

[Lyds 💋 - it’s saturday. there’s nothin goin on. whats he doin???]

[Alli  🏹 - if that was isaac he’d be begging for forgiveness by now.]

[Ki ⚡- you brought him lunch!!! and he didn’t even kiss you?]

[Me - he grunted a vague thx in my direction.]

[Lyds 💋 - unacceptable. we’re girls. we demand kisses. & equal pay.]

[Mal 🍕- u should get naked. stiles is weak to sex.]

[Me - that might acc work. he really is, it’s almost embarrassing.]

[Ki ⚡- omg, I rlly bet that would work.]

[Lyds 💋 - if he won’t give u attention, u have to take it. the only way.]

[Alli  🏹 - wait pls film his reaction. Isaac wants to laugh too.]

[Mal 🍕- I could use a laugh, I'm pretty bored too.]

You giggled at the idea, the girls blowing up the group chat as they encouraged you to do it, and you headed away to the bathroom, stripping your clothes down and folding them neatly, before slipping Stiles’ flannel up over your arms, holding it closed for modesty as you began the video.

You grinned into the mirror, before turning the video around and dropping the item to the ground so they could see it. Filming ahead of yourself, you took several steps forward, your hand on camera pushing open his door, and you called out to him.

He simply hummed in response, not even bothering to turn around, and you flipped him off behind his back, knowing Isaac and Allison would get a kick out of that part, before you sighed loudly. “Fine, I guess I’ll go be naked downstairs, then.”

“Wait, what?” The man spun around, the marker dropping from his lips as he finally tore his attention from the crime board before him, his eyes widening as he looked at you, his eyes scanning over you appreciatively and he let out some noise between a growl and a moan, before he finally met your eyes. “Are you filming me?”

He didn’t even give you a chance to reply, a smirk on his face as he paced across the room toward you, crushing the phone and your arms between you both as he backed you into the wall, his hands cupping your face so he could land his lips on yours in a hot kiss. Lifting your finger from the record button, you hit send, dropping the device to the floor and wrapping your arms around his neck.

Grunting into your mouth, his hands skimmed down to your thighs, scooping you up from the ground as the continual chimes of the group chat receiving messages faded into the background, your back meeting the mattress.

Stuart

You sighed, moving around the bathroom as quietly as you could. You knew Stuart was in a work call, he’d told you so himself. His group was doing some big project lately, and you were trying your best to stay out of his way as he worked.

You had run your bath, bubbled decorating the surface as the colours from the scented bath bomb swirled in the steaming water, the scents of berries and vanilla filling the room as you tied up your hair with the scrunchie from the counter. Catching sight of the back of the door you noticed the hooks hanging empty of towels, and you turned, glancing to the shelves, only to see them empty too.

You debated just leaving it, but you had no idea how much longer Stuart would be in this call, it had already been almost four hours and when you’d passed by your bedroom half an hour ago to run a bath, it hadn’t sounded like he was anywhere near finishing. You had already thrown your clothes into the hamper, and you knew all the fresh towels were in the basket in your bedroom.

Groaning, you peeped around the bathroom door, noting Stuart sitting up against the headboard, laptop balanced on his lap and he didn’t even look up to see you, earphones plugged in as he occasionally talked and added his say to the group, and you decided it was safe.

The bedroom as far colder than the bathroom, goosebumps running over your skin and your nipples hardening at the contrast, your feet soft on the carpet as you stayed out of view, bending over to dig through the basket, snatching two towels from the stack and standing straight, turning around. Stuart’s eyes were fixed on you, or more precisely, where you had been bent in half to gather your towels. Dragging his eyes up along your body, he looked like he was almost drooling, and he swallowed thickly, dark gaze meeting yours.

Holding his microphone to his lips, he cleared his throat, not even bothering to look back tot he screen as he mumbled an excuse to them all; “Uh.. yeah, sorry guys. I have to go.. do something. Bye.” Clicking ‘hang up’, he yanked his earbuds out, discarding the device and the wires to the desk as he stumbled over his feet toward you, your eyebrows raised, a sly grin on his face.

“So, I’m a something now.”

He groaned, his hands sitting on your bare waist as his fingertips dug into your flesh. “You’re absolutely everything, sweetheart.” With that, he spun you around, snatching the towel from your hands and pushing you back onto the bed.

Thomas

The buildings around paradise had certainly come a long way since the small fabric tents they had been in the beginning. Small huts had been crafted from wood, and soon stones had followed up on the walls, washed up on the beach and chipped from the rocks until cabins with real rooms and walls had started to be crafted.

When you had woken up, the bed had been cold, and muffled voices from the main room of your home disturbed your peace, making you stir in the sheets, rolling over with a quiet groan and shielding your eyes from the morning sun rays. Wrapping the thin sheet blanket around your body, you got to your feet, running a hand through your messy hair and shuffling from the room.

Thomas saw you first, his smile lighting up the second he saw you and the blond he was talking to paused in his chatting, turning around to greet you as you moved through the small home, fishing an apple from the bowl of fruit on your counter. Thomas wrapped an arm around your waist, tugging you into his side and placing a sweet kiss to your lips, bumping the tip of his nose against yours.

“Good morning, Tommy.” You teased, biting into your apple and wiping the edge of your mouth on the back of your hand to gather up the excess juice. “Mornin’ Newt.”

“Good morning, love. Sorry to interrupt your morning, I figured you both would have been up by now.” You blushed, Thomas smirking as he squeezed his arm around your waist tighter, the loud crunches of your apple being consumed sounded out as your boyfriend chuckled.

“We had a late night.”

You slapped at his chest, shaking your head as your cheeks heated up, and you peeled yourself away from his side, shaking your head at him fondly and leaning up to press a kiss to Newt’s cheek as you wandered on past, chucking the apple core into the small bin in the corner of the room as you left, and the boys picked their discussion back up. With a cheeky grin, you paused in your room as you looked at the bare bed, before a smirk took over on your face.

Sticking your head back out of the door to peep at your boyfriend, his eyes caught yours over Newt’s shoulders, a single brow raising as you winked at him, stepping out into the room to stand before him, Newt’s back still to you and he had no idea what was going on. You watched as your boyfriend’s jaw tightened, his eyes as wide as saucers when he watched you let go of the handful of material that was holding the cover-up wrapped around you. The fabric dropped to the ground, baring your nude body to him and you licked over your lips slowly, biting down on your bottom lip and disappearing into the bedroom as his jaw fell slack.

“Newt, I love you, man, but I need you to get out. Like, right now.”

Dave

Both you and Dave had decided to stay on campus for spring break. Your family wasn’t really expecting you home, and Dave’s mother and sister had gone to Disneyland for the break as a treat to Stella, and Dave really didn’t feel like spending two weeks surrounded by screaming children and standing in queues for hours on end.

Never when Dave had started college did he think he’d be this happy by his spring break. He’d started as a heartbroken freshman after Aubrey had dumped him weeks prior to his first-week beginning, and he certainly never expected to end up dating one of the hottest chicks he had ever seen, from the most popular sororities on campus.

The two of you had settled on hanging out in his dorm over spring break. His roommates were out, but a couple of the girls had also stayed behind, and so you wouldn’t quite have had the privacy at the house you did here. Dave was on his third day of lounging in his sweatpants and playing videogames. He had a pizza menu ready beside him, and his head popped up in your lap as you played with his slightly grown out hair, your phone buzzing in your hands every so often as you played with the hair under the band of his headset, running your fingernails over his scalp soothingly as he hummed under his breath at the feeling.

“Dave, I gotta’ go.” You spoke quietly as not to interrupt the flow of chatter going on that you could hear coming from the ears of his headphones, and you eased yourself out from under him, the boy groaning as he turned to look at you, brows raised as his focus left the shooting taking place on the tv screen.

“Where you goin’?”

You chuckled, shaking your head as you stood up from the bed, stretching out and brushing the wrinkles from your pyjamas. “I’m going out with some of the girls today, I’ll be back later.” He pouted, and you leaned down to press a kiss to his lips to placate him, a smile on his face when you pulled away.

“Okay, have fun. I’ll miss you.” You grinned, and you could hear the teasing coming from the other end of the headphones, excessive amounts of kissy-noises and declarations of love sounding out as Dave scoffed and told them all where to stick it, and you rooted around in the drawer he’d cleared for you to put your weeks worth of clothes in. Selecting the matching black set with the pretty yellow and white daisies on, you tossed it onto the bed, searching for a pair of shorts when Dave cleared his throat, his eyes wide as he held up the bikini bottoms from one finger, and he raised his brows. “What’s this?”

“It’s a bikini. It is spring break, we’re going to the beach.”

You shrugged, finding the shorts you wanted and pulling them from the drawer, and Dave hummed, clearing his throat and gripping the material tightly. “So, you’re going to be all wet, and half-naked, and tanning, and half-naked and did I mention wet?”

You laughed loudly at his words, and he shoved the headset down from his ears as the boys on the other end went wild, and you nodded, fishing the suncream from your bag and waving it at him teasingly. “I’ll be all moisturised and soft and shiny, too.”

“Fuck.” He mumbled, and you giggled, shaking your head and putting the bottle back in your bag, before peeling your shirt up over your head, dropping your sleep shorts to the floor and picking them up, a growl sounding beside you as Dave watched you, jaw slack. “Guys I’m tapping out, turns out I’m going to the beach.”

Within seconds he’d logged off, and he was tossing the controller and the headset away to the floor. “You’re coming to the beach?”

“Yeah, but first you’re cumming right here, at least twice, so get over here.” You shook your head at him, his body flopping back into the bed as you squealed, crawling up his body as your lips met his.

Mitch

Mitch was busy working, on all his important case files, hunched over his desk as he did his best to get through his jobs as quickly as possible. He’d finished his assignment three days early, and he was hoping that if he could get all the reports and briefs finished in time, that would give him a whole extra week of holiday off with you, a week he could spend cooking with you, and holding you, and fucking you senseless.

Unfortunately, since you hadn't been expecting him home, you had dinner plans with the girls and your dress was staring at him from across the room. A slim maroon number with spaghetti straps and a slit in the thigh, a pair of sleek black heels and a leather jacket to match. You were in the bathroom, and he had long since heard the hairdryer go off after your shower, and so he knew you were doing your makeup.

Around half an hour ago, your ringtone had snapped him out of his daze, and as much as he had tried to refocus, your sweet voice was muffled from the other side of the door but he could make out a few words, and he was still staring at the page on his computer, only four new lines having been added in thirty minutes. When the door finally clicked open, the smell of your perfume drifted out into the room, and Mitch’s mouth went dry as he looked up at you from his desk.

Your skin was shining and inviting, freshly moisturised and shaven, your hair falling in loose curls down your back, perfect spirals that bounced with each movement you made and your makeup was flawless. Your lips were painted a dark-red colour, the exact matching shade of your dress and it only made them look plumper and more inviting, and Mitch leaned back in his seat, legs splayed open as his cock twitched interestedly in his sweatpants, your naked body on full display for him as you held your phone to your ear and chatted away, unaware of the effect you were having on him.

Standing from his seat, he came up behind you as you fished through your drawer for some underwear, and he swiped your hair from your shoulder, pressing a kiss to your bare skin as his other hand came up to pluck the phone from your hands, lifting it to his own ear and ignoring the sounds of your complaints.

“She’s going to be thirty minutes late, sorry girls.”

Before you could protest, he’d hung up, a smirk on his face as he dropped the device tot he carpet and spun you around, planting his lips on yours and you sighed against his mouth, your arms slinging around his neck, giving in to the affections. His tongue teased at your lower lip, his own hands sliding down to palm at your ass in groping handfuls.

“Only thirty minutes then, huh?”

“Well, I’ve got to save the main event for when you get back, you only get a taste before you go out, because if I really got to have my way with you, there’s no way you’d be stable in heels. You wouldn’t be able to walk properly.” He hummed, pecking your lips and scooping you up under your thighs, your legs wrapping around his waist.

“Give me my sneak preview then, hotshot.”

Sam (1920′s)

With a grin, you wrapped the red coat tighter around your body, nerves flooding your body as you watched the familiar beaten up truck of the man you loved beginning to make the way down the pathway through the fields toward your shared home. Sam had been having a tough time lately, this week had been a struggle for him, and as Friday night had rolled around, you knew he was looking forward to a weekend of relaxing and resting up, resetting himself and de-stressing in hopes that the next working week would go better.

It wasn’t something girls of your century did, but Sam wasn’t from your century, and he’d always seemed particularly fond of when you were naked. It was a struggle for you at first, you weren’t used to the idea of being nude, you were raised to be a lady and you could never be seen in an undignified way, but everything had changed for you when you’d met Sam.

The large red coat he so often wore was hanging on your body, your hair in loose waves down your back from the style it had been held in all day, and you watched from the top window as Sam pulled up in front of the house, and you dashed around the room and lit candles, pouring out glasses of the special occasion wine you had deemed appropriate to crack open.

The door opened and closed, and you heard Sam kicking off his shoes, locking the front door and making his way upstairs. You met him at the top of the stairs, a soft smile etching onto his frowning features as he looked up at you, before his brows were furrowing as he looked at you, his eyes scanning along your body and you shuffled nervously under his gaze. “Hey, doll. You look as pretty as ever.”

He took the final steps up, placing a sweet kiss to your lips and you returned the gesture, before splaying a hand out on his chest and taking a step back. With a deep sigh, you grinned up at his as boldly as you could, before releasing the hand the was holding the coat closed and the material fell open, your body exposed to him and his breath hitched in his throat. “Prettier, now?”

“You’re naked.”

“Yeah, I thought you deserved a nice surprise.” He beamed up at you, looking happier than he had all week and he pushed the coat from your shoulders, groaning as it fell to the floor and he smoothed large hands over your hips, pulling you in close to him, his lips brushing yours.

“I’m so in love with you.”

“I also opened a bottle of wine.” You teased, and he groaned under his breath, dipping down to scoop you up bridal style as he carried you toward your room.

[blabbelphish]

*massive internal scream*

So I’m still kinda keyed up, and the whole situation was kinda weird so I’m gonna tell y’all about my morning.

Bit of back story:

1) I have two cats, one of which is a gray tabby.

2) My cats have a bad habit of tipping over chairs.

3) Sometimes, my spouse will spend all night awake playing video games.

Story:

So I actually went to bed at a decent hour last night, but my spouse stayed up. I’m pretty used to loud noises on these nights, but I have problems with anxiety so I’ll sometimes have to put ASMR videos on to drown out my stupid panic. I kept hearing noises from what I thought was outside, so I put my headphones on and fell asleep. Shit sleep, but sleep. 6:30 in the morning, I’m awoken by a loud bang. Knowing my cats, I don’t even bother putting on my glasses and leave my bedroom buttass naked.

The attic ladder is right in front of my bedroom. The ladder was down. In my sleep deprived state, I just stood there for a minute, staring at the attic in horror. From behind me, I hear panicked animal noises. I turn and see what could either be a gray tabby cat... or a raccoon. Now, I’m panicking, nearsighted, tired, and aware of all this when my spouse comes to check out the loud noise.

Me: *pointing in the guest bathroom* Is that a raccoon?

Yes. Yes, it was a raccoon climbing up the shower curtain.

Him: You should close that door.

Door? Closed. Attic hatch? Closed. Animal control? Nowhere to be found.

My mom has told me a few stories of how animal control in our area sucks balls. Turns out, she’s right and we’re either gonna have to pay a pest remover, or do it ourselves. I’m too keyed up to cook breakfast, and spouse is heading out for cigarettes, so he agrees to get breakfast while he’s out and I settle back in the living room (at the far opposite end of the house from the guest bath) to research how to get raccoons out of your living space.

I’m skimming through the first article, glancing over common ways raccoons enter houses (skimming cause I don’t care how it got here, I want it gone), when I see it. The line “commonly enter through vents”. Ever since I met my spouse , my life has been one sitcom setup after another. Nine years of that, and I don’t even have time to work myself up with imagined scenarios. I can hear something shuffling around the vents. Using the flashlight on my phone, I peer through the grating on the vent.

Yup. There’s the raccoon.

Me: *speaking softly so I don’t scare it, cause I talk when I get nervous* Hey, now. Don’t run away.

Racoon: *soft, gentle chittering noises*

The article says to open all the doors and windows and lock pets in a separate room. Well, that’s a bit hard, since the A/C vents lead to every room. But if I can see him, he’s not harassing my cats. That seeds my plan, though.

Step one: open front door

Step two: take vent cover off A/C

Step three: wait for racoon to exit vent

Step four: gently usher raccoon out with broom

Using my nervous energy and the softest voice I’ve ever used, I explain the plan to a wild fucking raccoon. Like a dumbass. I keep repeating this until Spouse gets home. We both grab a broom, I carefully pull the vent cover away, and he’s fucking tiny. About the size of a ten month old kitten. He’s not coming out, though.

I’m afraid he’s stuck, that the sides of the vent are too slippery for him, so I lower in some rope, very carefully. He doesn’t rub away, but he doesn’t climb out, either.

Spouse: Go make some noise at the vent he climbed in. Maybe we can scare him out.

I put the cover back on the vent, then realize he could be anywhere if he wasn’t in the living room. I cover all the other vents in the house with heavy objects, head to the basement, and start wailing on the ducts with a broom.

Finally! The raccoon exits the vent, and my Disney Princess spouse ushers him gently away from the TV and out the door.

Then he had to let me out of the basement, cause the door got stuck when I closed it behind myself.

[theirishguy1993]

Krakow on St. Patty’s day.

Got to travel up to Warsaw and Krakow for the holiday. We started out by touring Auschwitz which was pretty cool except for how cold it was the whole time, but I guess that was the point, it really makes you feel the kind of torture that happened along with seeing all the pictures. Afterwards we had kebabs at some restaurant I don’t remember what it was called. Moved onto an Irish Bar met some folks from Ireland 🇮🇪 just here in holiday, drank toooo much Guinness, won some T-shirt’s. Walked around the city visiting random bars. Whole night my buddy’s were trying to get some ladies on Tinder to meet them at the bar. Didn’t really work out that way. Overall the night ended with a buddy dry heaving in the bathroom all night buttass naked lmao! Needlessly say I enjoyed my St. Patty’s day 🍀

[eldritch-spouse]

ok I wanna know what the clergy guys + breg and fasma like seeing reader in. like, vinnel likes clown garb on their s/o and krulu likes flowy white robes, but I wanna know what makes em hot under the collar 🤨

Breg loves your pajamas. Maybe it's just because he's seen you in a variety of them during his several visits to your bedroom at night, but lord does he think cute funny nightgowns and shorts with dumb patterns make for the best looks on you. Casual and comfy wear, essentially.

Call Fasma an old fart, he gets it, he does, believe him- But you'd look so good in a sheath dress, or a suit, whatever you feel fits you best. He'd love to see you all dolled up. You like polka dots? 'Cause he does. He really does. What about gloves? Maybe he can get a nice pair for you. Maybe, no promises...

Morell really wants to put his piglet in overalls. He used to wear many of those when he was young, courtesy of his dad mostly. Nonetheless, you'd look so adorable in a pair of those, oh he wouldn't be able to hold back the mad cooing. You can pick the color, it's more than fine as long as he gets to take pictures.

Gallon loves anything remotely elegant. Designer clothes, custom stuff, anything that stands out, with pizzazz. Now obviously, these are very expensive tastes, so it's a little more likely that Gallon will insistently nudge fancy clothing your way as gifts. How did he get your measurements? Don't worry too much, darling.

Vinnel will dress you like a performer any chance he gets. You ever wanted to look like a professional clown? Well, you kind of already are- No? Too bad, poppet! Sit your ass down, it's face paint time. Some days you'll be a jester, others you'll be a harlequin clown. Pierrot style maybe? How about a mime? The acrobat type? Oh, you're just so adorable! Give him a honk!

Santi thinks you look best in your birthday suit! Ah, just fucking with you- But he does have pervy tastes, to no one's surprise. You like lace, love? Let's hope you do, because the incubus knows the prettiest patterns to accentuate your lovely form. What about jewelry? Are you fond of Hell gold? Wear his rings, passion, you'll look gorgeous with them.

Grimbly's here to turn you into a literal doll. Let's hope, for the sake of your sanity, that you enjoy pink. Or needlessly intricate patters and frills. He's also doing your makeup! You're also getting an umbrella like him. Sunglasses, if you let him. Regardless of gender or preference, the bat will try to put you in at least one dress. Just one! Just one, okay? Please please please-

Patches, as a product of his time alive, has an odd liking of victorian styles, even if he himself has no fashion sense. And owns little items from that period of time. His fondness of big hats is probably a tell though. One day, he'd love to have a date where you two dress up in that style, if only just to satisfy that nostalgic craving.

Nebul, to no one's surprise, is into gothic styles. Purples and blacks and long flowing garbs, maybe even something that partially obscures your face? Generally, anything that isn't too bright. He might even gift you precious stones, all in dark hues. If he could have it his way, you'd dress in elegant robes all the time, with an almost cultish appearance.

Fank-e, also predictably, wants you in rave clothes. Fishnets and bulky boots, pants with pocket chains, neon shirts, glowing bracelets, several necklaces and chokers, bright rings- All the colors all the time. If his processors aren't having trouble trying to interpret your visage, then he's doing something wrong. OH- Will you let him dye your hair?? <:]

Sybastian, honest to God, has no preference. Though he loves anything that's scarce. In fact, if you could go around naked, he would throw a fucking party. Hell, he would go around buttass naked too, if he hadn't been forced into a loincloth eventually... You probably don't have a habit of it, but Syb would love to see you decorated with bones and skins.

Ludwig is also another one with little preference, but red is and shall always be one of his favorite looks on you. As well as hoodies. It reminds him of his younger self's sense of fashion, hoodies were his religion back then. Wearing anything loose will endear the demon to you a lot as well.