#and then you have those who react like cats to cucumbers

[the-random-den]

FINALLY!

I see a lot of comics talking about smut vs fluff reactions but I see no one talk about

Vs

IT HURTS ME

[edengarden]

Personal space? Never heard of her.

Synopsis:  When Caesar’s bored, he’ll make it known to you. Not that you ever invited him to do so.

Pairing: Caesar Clown x gn!reader

Warnings:  profanity, Caesar has no concept of personal space

Word count: 1454

Notes: quick and simple, I just felt like I needed to FINALLY write some Caesar x reader interaction and this was the easiest way to do so. 

As a pirate, if anyone would’ve ever told your past self that one day, you’d “work” in a lab, you probably would have laughed in their face and told them to fuck off. You never had the qualifications for it anyway; poor education, lengthy criminal record, probably not even smart enough for it, zero patience, and the list goes on. However, seeing how Caesar functions, you’ve been violently proven that no, against all odds, someone who doesn’t have what it takes to be a sciencey person can still be a sciencey person. Or a “mad scientist”, as he likes to call himself. It really goes to show that, well… you’ve heard of more qualified scientists before. 

However, Doflamingo wasn’t going to spit on the opportunity in front of him. Which is how you and Monet ended up spending most of your time on Punk Hazard, in the freezing fucking cold, while the rest of your crew was enjoying nice, warm, sunny days in Dressrosa. Though you can’t complain; at least the two of you figured out a schedule in which you’d rotate every three weeks so one has to put up with Caesar while the other can get some time off in Dressrosa. It was a pretty good system and you’re glad that Monet thought of it and got it approved, but it also meant that you now had to deal with Caesar on your own. It meant that there was one less person to put up with him. 

It meant that he’d concentrate his eccentricity on you. For three weeks. 

You’ve seen better days. 

And in moments like those, where he apparently felt the great need to come bother you, you wonder how Monet deals with it when you’re not around. Does she simply ignore him? You’ve tried that. It leads to disastrous bitchfits (you like to call them Caesar’s World Famous Bitchfits. Not that you’ve ever told him. A WFB would ensue). Does she entertain him? You’ve also tried that. It’s incredibly hard to keep up with him. 

So, at this point in time, you feel truly lost as to how you’re supposed to get through this. The only thing you haven’t tried (and that you can think of) was to simply… put up with it until it blows over. But it wasn’t exactly the most pleasant solution you’ve ever thought of. 

“What are you up to now?” You barely had the chance to even process that the telltale sound of hissing gas started bouncing off the room’s walls before Caesar was practically looming over your shoulder as you peered at the notes Monet had left you during those three weeks you were away. Considering that most of them were Caesar-related and that it wasn’t exactly praise, you were quick to shut the notebook closed before the man in question could read what was being said about him. Caesar let out a small cackle at your frantic actions. “Are you hiding something from me?” He asked and, seeing as you couldn’t take a look at his face at the moment, you had no idea if he was being serious or if he was joking. 

You would rather be safe than sorry, so you decide to turn your head to look over your shoulder to take a peek at his mood before answering, only to be absolutely jumpscared by the close proximity between the two of you. The way you reacted could probably be compared to how a cat reacts in the face of a cucumber. “Good god!” You exclaim before leaning back to put some distance between you and Caesar’s face, which had been literally looming over your shoulder up until now. How did you not feel his proximity? Was it because of the whole gas-gas fruit situation? Probably. That’s a dangerous fucking ability to have. Why was he that close anyway? 

You silently fumed as he cackled at your reaction. Leave it up to him to feel entertained by your discomfort, if you could call it that. It felt more like a heart attack to you. “Don’t you have shit to do?” You asked rather rudely as he quieted down. At the mention, his face morphed into a more annoyed expression. 

“I have time to kill.” He replied. Ah. That was his version of ‘I have to wait for something that catalysts can’t help with and I don’t want to’. You’re a bit familiar by now. Knowing how he gets in situations like these, you were careful to keep a tight grip on the notebook you were keen on hiding from him. Lest he finds a way to snatch it simply to get a rise out of you. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t.” You snapped back, promptly ignoring him when he leaned his entire upper half on the table, reenacting a deflating balloon in some way. 

“Come on, humor me a little! It’s not like there’s anyone else here that you can interact with.” He pushed. You were tempted to tell him that actually, he’s got plenty of subordinates who would be more than happy to entertain him in whatever way he wanted to be entertained, but you were fully aware that Caesar didn’t consider them anywhere good enough to talk to. Which then makes you wonder why you’d be any different. As far as you’re concerned, you’re just a pirate. Yes, you can read and write, but that’s about as far as it goes. The hell would he want with you? 

“Actually, I do pretty well in solitude.” You quipped with a shrug of your shoulders. Caesar, the ever extroverted bastard he was, wailed quite dramatically and let his head fall on his arms that he had crossed on the table. You’re a bit disappointed that he didn’t accidentally smack his forehead on the table instead. 

“Don’t you at least know how to have a conversation? C’mon, I’m curious. Tell me what’s going on in that noggin of yours.” He raised a gloved hand and attempted to poke at your temple but you leaned back to avoid him. Was he this annoying with Monet? Because she never seems to bring it up in the notes. 

Caesar made another dramatic expression at your aversion to his touch, pouting like a child that had just been scolded. “Even if it’s just the most mundane of thoughts, I promise I won’t laugh. Too much.” He said, eyes scanning your face for just the slightest of cracks in your resolve. “Anything goes! Talk about the damn weather if you want, talk about Monet. Fuck, you could talk about how poor you were as a child and it would be better than nothing!” 

“Bold of you to assume I was poor as a child.” You replied with a raised eyebrow, only to mentally curse at yourself when Caesar smirked in return. Oh, that was a fucking bait. Goddamn it. 

“Are you saying you weren’t?” If he weren’t made of gas, and if you were certain that your hand wouldn’t phase right through him, you might’ve hit him. A part of you wants to question him and why he was being so nosy in the first place, or at least snap some snarky retort back at him, but you know that it would count as ‘conversation’ to him and you’d play right into his hands. He’d win. You know damn well that the smartest option is to simply ignore him and do something else until he goes away. 

“Why does it need to be about me? Can’t you just go on a rant like usual and I can pretend to listen?” But you’re not smart or wise enough to use the smartest option. You half expected him to take you up on that suggestion and go off on some monologue about his research, or how he missed Smiley, or how he was such a genius for synthesizing SAD. Anything to gloat about how he’d “won”, about how you keeled over and decided to entertain him. However, what wasn’t on your bingo card was him rising from his sprawled out spot on the table and staying incredibly quiet for a few moments. It was such an alarming occurrence that you actually turned towards him and asked what was going on. “You good?” As soon as you looked at him, he averted his eyes to avoid direct eye contact. Even you knew something wasn’t good.

“Peachy! Yes, never been better!” Caesar hastily replied with an exaggerated, closed-eye smile, clasping his hands together conclusively. He was standing oddly straight, for someone who was usually the victim of a terrible, gas-gas induced posture. “W-well! Would you look at that! I think the crystallization should be happening any moment now!” He exclaimed, already turning on his heels to scamper out of the room. You were too intrigued by his odd behavior to say anything at the moment. From the look on his face, whatever it was that you said that caused this, it was a sore spot. “Wonderful conversation! Truly captivating! Don’t come looking for me! Bye now!” And he was out the sliding door before you could even take your first breath of Caesar-free air.

[starseedfxofficial]

The "What Just Happened?" Guide to Maximum Drawdown in NZDJPY Have you ever experienced a trade that plummeted so hard you started questioning all your life choices? Yeah, me too. It's like buying those fancy gym memberships in January—sounds good at first, then reality hits, and your account balance shrinks faster than motivation on a Monday morning. Let's talk NZDJPY and that notorious beast called maximum drawdown. Buckle in, because today we're diving into the depths of this trading pair, unraveling what maximum drawdown really means, and—more importantly—how to avoid that gut-wrenching feeling when a trade doesn't go your way. Why Most Traders Get It Wrong (And How You Can Avoid It) The first thing you need to know is that maximum drawdown is like that one friend who eats all your fries but never orders their own—it's sneaky, insidious, and can leave you empty-handed if you aren't prepared. In trading, maximum drawdown measures the biggest dip in your account from a peak to the lowest low before it recovers. Picture a roller coaster—you know, the kind that climbs for what feels like forever, only to drop at neck-breaking speed while you're screaming like you're in a cheesy horror movie. The trick to avoiding a painful maximum drawdown with NZDJPY is knowing what you’re really up against. NZDJPY is a particularly volatile beast, influenced by factors like risk appetite (think risk-on vs. risk-off vibes), Japanese monetary policy (no, Mr. Kuroda doesn't sleep), and New Zealand's seasonal dairy production (you’d be amazed at how often cows indirectly mess with Forex prices). Here’s what happens when traders get it wrong: they go all-in like they're betting on a winning horse, thinking NZDJPY is a sure thing—when, in fact, it's just as unpredictable as a cat at a cucumber convention. NZDJPY tends to react dramatically to changes in market sentiment, which means you'd better have your stop losses in place… and maybe even a backup emotional support ice cream pint. The Hidden Formula Only Experts Use Want to avoid having your account look like it's been through a financial blender? Well, here's where the fun—and secret sauce—comes in. Successful traders rely on the ATR (Average True Range) to understand the typical volatility of NZDJPY. It's like checking the tide before diving into the ocean: if you know how choppy it is, you can decide whether to go for a swim or stick to building sandcastles instead. Combining ATR with a nifty contrarian approach is where the magic happens. Picture this: everyone is bullish on NZDJPY—your neighbor, your cousin who just heard of Forex, and even that Reddit group that thought GameStop was a good idea—but the ATR is telling you that volatility is maxed out. That’s when the pros often take a step back, slap on their "trader Zen hat" and say, "No, thank you." They understand that trading is as much about patience as it is about action. Knowing when NOT to trade is half the game… and trust me, it saves you from maximum drawdown drama more often than not. How to Predict Drawdown Risk With Precision Look, trading without a plan is like showing up to a dance battle without knowing how to dance. When trading NZDJPY, the best move is to calculate your R-Multiple (basically how much you risk vs. reward). Set the maximum drawdown limit at the start of your trading journey. If the losses exceed your comfort zone, don't pull an Icarus and keep flying—step back, reassess, and live to trade another day. Trust me, NZDJPY can burn you harder than trying hot yoga after a long Netflix binge. Using position sizing is another sneaky little hack the experts don't tell you about. The idea here is to risk the same percentage of your account on every trade, no matter what. If you’re risking 1% per trade, and the market goes against you—no big deal. Lose five trades? You've still got 95% left. But go in risking 10%? Well, you’ll need more luck than a cat with nine lives just to survive five bad trades. The Forgotten Strategy That Outsmarted the Pros One overlooked tactic to keep drawdowns in check is hedging. If you feel like NZDJPY might be a rollercoaster but aren't sure where it's headed, why not pair that trade with another yen cross that tends to move differently, like EURJPY? It's like balancing your binge-watching sessions—a bit of action, a bit of drama. Hedging gives you a net position that’s less volatile and therefore protects against that dreaded, panic-inducing drawdown. Some traders also use trailing stops to safeguard profits while riding a trend. It's kind of like slowly inching away from a sleeping lion: the idea is to not make any sudden moves that might end the ride prematurely. By trailing stops based on ATR, you’re adapting to market conditions instead of locking in at a static number. Flexibility, my friend, is the key. The One Simple Trick That Can Change Your Trading Mindset Here’s the thing—to master NZDJPY, you need to understand that maximum drawdown isn't just about loss. It's about mentality. When a trade goes sideways, it's easy to panic and hit that eject button faster than a pilot in a crashing plane. Instead, step back and assess what’s driving the price action. Are you panicking, or is the market just throwing a tantrum like a toddler who didn't get their way? Maximum drawdown doesn’t have to be a disaster if you go into trades expecting it and already have a plan in place. That’s what trading is really about: having a plan and, perhaps most importantly, sticking to it. It’s the difference between a trader who rides the emotional waves and one who stays steady even when the storm rolls in. Oh, and make sure you remember to take a break now and then. Emotional drawdown is a thing too—you don’t want to end up like that over-caffeinated guy from "The Wolf of Wall Street" who loses it in front of everyone. Summing Up: Ninja Tactics for Surviving Maximum Drawdown in NZDJPY - Use ATR to gauge volatility and time your entries. - Set clear maximum drawdown limits based on your risk appetite. - Master position sizing and hedging for safer exposure. - Practice patience: Knowing when not to trade is as powerful as trading itself. - Consider trailing stops based on volatility to lock in profits gradually. And remember, Forex is a lot like life—sometimes, the biggest win is just surviving with your sanity intact. Wrap Up: Ride the Drawdown Storm Like a Pro If you've made it this far, congrats! You now know more about handling NZDJPY drawdown than most traders who hit "buy" or "sell" without a clue. Use these strategies, stay calm under pressure, and always plan for the drawdown before it happens. And hey, if you’re looking for more ways to sharpen those skills, you can check out our advanced Forex courses, stay up to date with the latest economic news, or join our community of traders on StarseedFX for even more insider tips and exclusive tactics. Happy trading—and may your drawdowns be shallow, your profits be deep, and your coffee always warm! —————– Image Credits: Cover image at the top is AI-generated Read the full article

[catbreedstips]

Can Cats Eat Celery? 8 Facts You Need To Know!

 Find out if cats can eat celery, how much they can eat, and if it might be good for their health. Find out about other ways to feed your cat and how to prepare celery so it can eat it. Find out if kittens can eat celery and if it's better for them to eat it cooked or raw.

Celery is good for cats' health.

Celery is good for cats' health because it can help them digest food and stay hydrated. But cats should only get a small amount of it as part of a well-balanced diet. Too much of it can cause digestive problems.

Also, the leaves and stems should be washed well before feeding to get rid of any possible toxins. Before feeding your cat something new, you should always talk to a vet first.

Is it okay for cats to eat celery?

Celery is not dangerous for cats to eat, and they can have a small amount as a treat without getting sick. But it doesn't give cats much in the way of nutrition, and if they eat too much of it, it could upset their stomachs. Before giving your cat new foods, you should always talk to your vet first.

How much celery is safe for cats to eat?

Celery is safe for cats to eat in small amounts as a treat. But it shouldn't make up a big part of their diet because they have to eat meat and need protein from meat to be healthy. Celery may also be hard for some cats to digest, which can lead to stomach problems like vomiting or diarrhea. Because of this, you should talk to a vet before giving your cat celery or any other new food.

Can celery help a cat who is having trouble digesting?

Celery may help a cat with digestive problems because it is low in calories and high in fiber. Fiber helps move food through the digestive tract. Celery also has antioxidants and other nutrients that may help keep the digestive system healthy as a whole.

But it's important to add celery to a cat's diet slowly and in small amounts, since too much fiber can cause stomach pain or even diarrhea. Before making big changes to a cat's diet or trying to solve digestive problems, it's always best to talk to a vet.

Can cats get sick from eating celery?

Celery can make cats sick, that's true. Celery is an allergen that many people and animals, including cats, are sensitive to. If a cat is allergic to celery, it may itch, turn red, swell up, throw up, have diarrhea, and have trouble breathing. If you think your cat is allergic to celery or any other food, you should talk to a vet to find out what's wrong and how to treat it.

Getting celery ready for your cat to eat

To get celery ready for your cat to eat, first wash it well to get rid of any dirt or pesticides. Cut the celery into small pieces your cat can chew and swallow easily. Celery is safe for cats to eat in small amounts, but it shouldn't make up a big part of their diet because cats are obligate carnivores and need to eat mostly meat.

Some cats may not like the way celery tastes or feels, so it's best to introduce new foods slowly and watch how your cat reacts.

Other Foods Cats Can Eat Instead of Celery

Vegetables like squash, zucchini, and cucumber are good alternatives to celery for cats to eat. The nutrition benefits of these vegetables are similar to those of celery, but some cats may have trouble digesting celery. You can also eat leafy greens like spinach or kale, as well as cooked chicken or fish for protein.

Before making big changes to a cat's diet, though, it's important to talk to a veterinarian.

Are cats able to eat celery?

Celery is safe for cats to eat, so they can eat it. Celery, on the other hand, has no nutritional value for cats and may cause digestive problems if they eat a lot of it. It is best to feed cats a balanced diet that meets all of their nutritional needs.

Are kittens able to eat celery?

Cats shouldn't eat celery, no. Celery is not a good food for kittens because it doesn't give them the nutrients they need to grow and develop properly. Kittens need a diet that is made just for them. This type of food usually has high-quality sources of protein and important vitamins and minerals.

It's best to feed your kitten a commercial kitten food that is well-balanced nutritionally and talk to a vet if you have any questions or concerns about their diet.

Can cooked celery be eaten by a cat?

Yes, cats can eat a small amount of cooked celery. Celery is not poisonous to cats, and it has some good things for them like vitamins and fiber. But it shouldn't be something they eat every day. Instead, it should be a special treat. Also, it's important to make sure the celery is cooked all the way through and served plain, without any seasonings or extra ingredients that cats might not like.

Can raw celery be eaten by cats?

No, cats shouldn't eat raw celery because it's hard for them to digest and could make them sick to their stomachs. Also, cats don't really need celery in their diets because it doesn't give them any important nutrients or health benefits. It's best to stick to giving your cat high-quality commercial cat food as part of a balanced diet.

Are cats able to eat celery salt?

Celery salt is not good for cats to eat. Celery salt is made of celery seed and salt, both of which can be harmful to cats if they eat too much. Too much salt can make you lose water and throw off your electrolyte balance, and the chemicals in celery seeds can make cats sick and cause digestive problems. It's best not to give cats foods with celery salt in them.

Can a cat eat a stalk of celery?

Yes, cats can eat small amounts of celery stalk. Celery is not dangerous for cats and may be good for them because it has fiber and vitamins. But it's important to remember that cats must eat meat, so the majority of their food should be meat. Some cats may also have trouble digesting vegetables like celery, so it's best to give it to them slowly and in small amounts. Before making big changes to your cat's diet, it's always a good idea to talk to a vet first.

Can a cat eat the leaves of celery?

Celery leaves can be eaten by cats, but only in small amounts. Celery leaves are not harmful to cats and can even be good for them by giving them vitamins and antioxidants. Celery shouldn't be a big part of a cat's diet, though, because cats must eat meat and need protein from meat to be healthy. Before giving your cat a new food, it's best to talk to a vet first.

Can cats eat celery seeds?

Celery seeds are not good for cats to eat. Some of the chemicals in celery and its seeds, like psoralens and furanocoumarins, can be dangerous for cats. When cats eat these chemicals, it can make them sensitive to light, give them dermatitis, and upset their stomachs. So, it's best not to give your cat celery seeds or any other food it hasn't had before without first talking to a vet.

Celery and carrots: Can cats eat them?

Celery and carrots are good treats for cats, and they can eat them in small amounts. Celery is low in calories and a good source of fiber for cats, while carrots are a great source of beta-carotene, which can help their eyesight. But it's important to remember that cats are "obligate carnivores." This means that most of their food should come from animal sources, and vegetables shouldn't make up a big part of their diet.

Also, some cats may have trouble digesting vegetables, so it's best to talk to a vet before adding new foods to your cat's diet.

How Do Cats Feel About Celery? Do They Like It?

Celery is not a good food for cats to eat because they don't like it and it is not good for their health. Even though it's fine to give cats small amounts of celery once in a while, it's important to remember that celery has no nutritional value for cats and may even make them sick or choke. So, the best thing to do is stick to giving your cat a balanced diet that meets all of its nutritional needs.

Should you feed your cat celery all the time?

Celery is not something that cats need to eat. Celery is a low-calorie and healthy vegetable for humans, but cats don't get much out of it in terms of nutrition. In fact, some cats may be allergic to vegetables like celery and other greens. Most of the protein in a cat's diet should come from meat, and their specific dietary needs should be talked about with a vet.

[klbexon]

Of Course I Didn't Procrastinate. Really. …Okay, I Did- But You Don't Have To!

So, now you've found the time to get writing, how do you actually...get on with it?

In a society where everything is instant, everything is everywhere, it's tricky to stay focused on one task for long. You can start off with good intentions, but soon find yourself watching videos of cats reacting to cucumbers. We’ve all been there.

Now, the obvious answer is to just put the distractions away, act like a grownup, and do the thing. If it were that simple, no one would ever get distracted from their goal. But in practicality, we need to plan around our inevitable plunge down the rabbit hole.

With that in mind, here are some ways we can be more productive:

First of all, scrap that list of vague, unachievable goals. Smart targets aren't just for work, they can be vital to any area of our lives where we want to achieve something. These are aims which are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time- bound. Break down your goal- from what you want overall, to what that means for you on the day to day. And be honest with yourself if something is too much.

Block off time that is dedicated specifically to that goal. Maybe you want to make sure you have time to write every day, or perhaps you have a weekly date with your work in progress for editing. Whatever your aim, you will only ensure you regularly have time for it if you make it part of your schedule. For example, when I had no writing schedule, I would get to it whenever the other important stuff was done. But the joke was on me- as an adult, and as a teacher, the important jobs are never done! Once I set aside even just a couple of hours every Thursday and Saturday, I soon noticed that I was spending longer doing the writing that I love; I even found more time to do it on other days. But it was the writing routine which helped make my passion a habit.

This one is a tag on to the previous one, so I shall be brief- pomodoro! In short, the pomodoro technique is one that is used for those who struggle to dedicate time to a task, or cannot stay focused for long chunks, such as those with ADHD. For more information, check out my favourite source for ADHD information on YouTube, How To ADHD: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLkOZhROvA4

Schedule what order your tasks need to go in, not what you want them to go in. This might sound odd, but putting off that one task till last that you really aren't sure you want to do will not be helpful in the long run. Knowing that task is creeping upon you as you go down your to do list will not make you feel good, even as you're checking off each one with a big old tick mark. Instead, try scheduling your least favourite one second. Yes, I know most people will encourage you to get the worst over and done with. But the very idea of beginning tasks at all is at risk when you schedule your worst to- do item at the top. Trick your brain into feeling good with a nice simple task to begin with and then dive right into your worst one while still riding the dopamine hit. You may still feel the task is unenjoyable or difficult, but you know that once you're done, there's nothing but an easier ride from there on in.

Accountability is my last piece of advice. Everyone has the temptation to put off tasks or scrap them altogether when no one is looking. It's why we have managers at work- it is natural human behaviour to want to do as little as possible when we can get away with it. Obviously, this little voice is a problem when the task we need to get done is also one we actually want to achieve. You can't write a blog post if you're pretending that you're too busy choosing the prettiest pen to buy for your writing notebook. And yes, that was my morning procrastination. Clearly, I need to follow my own advice. So the best way to combat that voice is with a stronger one- guilt. Now, I don't want anyone wallowing in buckets of shame over missing a task here and there, but I think we can utilise it to force ourselves to get on with the task at hand. I know that if I promise my husband that I will take out the rubbish before he gets home, nothing makes me run to the trash faster than hearing his car pull up. The same can motivate you in your writing, or indeed any other task that you just can't stay focused upon. Tell someone what you plan to get done that day, and you'll be surprised how much more motivated you are to finish it.

So, there's the list. There are plenty of other things to consider, like staying fuelled, rewarding task completion, and using white noise machines, but I think I've distracted you enough for one day.

Now, go do the thing!

No, seriously. Go do it.

[books-and-catears]

Hey, Hey, Hey! It’s been a minute but I didn’t wanna spam ya with requests while you have life stuff to deal with ☺️

This is similar to my Savage!MC ask but the brothers reacting to MC snapping at them and defending Mammon before calling the brothers out whenever they go too hard on him. Let’s be real, Mammon just acts on his sin and gets punished but when Lucifer’s a prick and threatens MC; crickets.

When Beel eats everything and damn near causes everyone to starve as well as threw a tantrum and nearly injured MC over custard;everyone turns a blind eye.

Levi guilt trips and whine over the smallest things but says the worst insults to Mammon and tried to kill MC over TSL.

Asmo acts like he’s above everyone and prefers to tend to his looks than help others (such as during the castle tour) but he gets no scolding.

Belphie routinely harasses Luci with Satan (who loses his temper) AND they all either threatened/killed MC but should Mammon do anything, he’s the worst. Even though Mammon:

- Never threatened MC

- Does shit for his brothers when asked (he may joke of needing a grimm but he’s an Avatar of greed and still gets the job done)

- Is very loyal to them

- And is a good brother to take falls for them. He knows how to sacrifice for them and the slightest inconvenience gets him thrown under the bus

These guys ain’t shit and I wouldn’t wanna be around them until they learn how to treat him better and equally work on their flaws rather than rip on Mammon, who’s a whole ass victim despite being the second strongest brother who takes it because he genuinely loves his brothers yet gets shit on by them so much.

Ooh this savage MC has nothing but heart eyes for Mammon and it's adorable. Right this one is going to be angsty and it's going to sting. I'm doing this in a short story instead of a headcannon cause it just seems right that way. Hope that's okay?

It was just another one of those days Mammon tried to steal his brothers stuff and sell it again. Another day of being upside down and being laughed at. Normally he wouldn't care - it was the usual routine. But something seemed off this time.

"Mammon.. are you okay?" You approach him. He was rubbing his shoulders and arms as if to comfort the pain. He looked more tired and pained than usual.

"Ah I'm alright MC. Just the same old ya know?" He laughed. It sounded hollow yet it pierced your heart.

Enough. Enough of this. You weren't going to stand by and watch this happen again.

"You should rest." You place an arm on his shoulder and take him to his room. Making sure he's asleep, you leave. You have some problematic demons to deal with it.

"Ah MC? What brings you here? You seem rather disturbed." He asks as you storm into his study, fuming with anger.

"You tell me, you sadistic peacock." You had lost all sense of self-preservation and normalcy. Just echoing the rage in your brain.

"Excuse me?" Lucifer said, half-amused, half-shocked.

"Either you stop treating Mammon this way or I will make your life hell." You grit your teeth.

"I already have my brothers doing that what more will you do MC? Besides Mammon had it coming. He went stealing Levi's and Asmo's things again." Lucifer said nonchalantly.

"What do expect from the Avatar of Greed? He's just acting how he's cursed to. Just like the rest of you, nicompoops. Stop listening through the door and come inside." You said loudly.

The other brothers were still in the corridor nearby overhearing the whole thing. You could hear them gasp loudly at your boldness and scutter inside one by one.

"Now let me elaborate, so you rotten cucumbers understand me clearly." You cleared your throat.

Leviathan

"This little snake in tried to kill me because I may have known a little bit more about his favourite anime than him. Where's his punishment?" You point at Levi.

"MC I'm sorry...I couldn't help it was too new to me." Levi started. "But Mammon keeps stealing my things how is that fair-"

"And you keep throwing us into new kinds of disasters with your game hoarding problem."

"If you're still mad about the TSL incident I swear I take it all back-"

"Shut up snake, we know the reason. You're the Avatar of Envy. Getting jealous is your whole point. So you didn't get punished. Moving on..." Your finger now points to Satan. "This wild cat."

Satan

"He also threatened me cause I didn't want to make a pact with him. And when he actually flies off his handle, he wrecks his room and half the house down."

Satan seemed like he wanted to say something but he scowled and looked away.

"However I won't be too hard on him, cause he tries to keep his thing in check. And the whole reason he even has Wrath is because of Lucifer. So I get your hate towards Lucifer, but Mammon doesn't deserve any of it."

"MC you know I can't tolerate stupidity-" He grumbled.

"Oh must be hard looking in the mirror then, with all your failed pranks. And speaking of mirrors, this over- perfumed mannequin." You turn to Asmo.

Asmodeus

"How have I possibly hurt anyone MC? You know I stand for Love too right?" Asmo said, batting his pretty little eyes.

"For someone who stands for LOVE, if you can even call it that," You make a disgusted face, "You surely love making a mockery out of your elder brother and revel in his misery, you over- perfumed potato."

"But I never cause problems do I? Why must I be punished just for standing by?"

"Your high and mighty sense of worth is an illusion you live in. You dress up pretty and act social to validate yourself, trying to conceal the ugliness within. Truly you are nothing but Lust. Also you're the reason we almost got eaten by a giant snake." You shake your head. "Now speaking of eating..."

Beelzebub

"This giant food vaccum." You point to Beel. "He tried to eat me over a custard. Like excuse me? There's still plenty of food outside? And let's not forget that week we all had to eat cup ramen for a week cause he finished the whole pantry."

Beel softly muttered and apology and looked down.

"He even ate the walls and pillars once! Surely those renovations cost way more than however much Mammon steals? Where's his punishment?!"

"MC enough. He's sorry already." Beel's twin spoke up. You glared at him and smiled. "Don't worry I saved the best for last."

Belphegor

"This lazy murderous cow." You walk up to him slowly. "Not only does everyone have to your chores - you love causing chaos."

Belphie laughed, "That I do. But that's only with Lucifer. What else did I do?"

"Oh you want me to go there? I surely will." You say with a sting in your eye. "In your plan to avenge your sister, you killed what was left of her in the first timeline. And your brothers just stood by and watched. Where's your penance, you murder hornet?"

Belphie's eyes grew wide. Everyone looked shocked and uncomfortable. You never brought this up before now.

"But why bother asking you about it. I should be asking the ultimate punisher of this family." You turn to Lucifer.

Lucifer

"Ah! If it isn't Diavolo's pet dog! How is your master today? Does he treat you the way you treat Mammon? Is that why you come here to take your revenge on your little brother instead? Tell me Lucifer does Diavolo punish you then?"

"MC, I understand you maybe upset but you are crossing a line here." Lucifer stood up with a gutteral growl.

"Sit doggie. I didn't ask for you yet." You commanded. Lucifer sat back down as with great force. He stared at you flummoxed.

"Did you forget about the pacts already, you pompous goat? You have threatened and tried to kill me more than anyone else in this family so congratulations! I will use my pacts way more generously now." You mock bowed in gratitude.

"You might win in a fight against him but let me tell you this..." You stared back at the others.

"Mammon is the second strongest in this family. If he wanted to - if he REALLY wanted to, all of you would be turned to dust. He is stronger than all of you - but he hides it. He supresses his powers and his anger because he loves you too much. How could he ever hurt his little brothers?" You felt tears in your eyes at this point.

"AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY HIM? He's only acting on his sin! Just like the rest of you! Why must he be singled out and mocked at? I won't allow it. Never again."

"If you hurt Mammon again, I swear you will have to face me. And before you think you have a chance against me, do remember the pacts you all happily made with me I will not hesitate to use them against you dysfunctional lot-"

"MC... Stop." You felt Mammon hug you from behind.

"Mammon? I thought you were asleep." You say looking back at him. His tears were misty but his smile more full.

"And I thought I was supposed to protect ya, human! And you're out here protecting me..." Mammon trailed off and held you closer.

"We can protect each other."

[bloody-oath]

How would each slasher react to accidentally sitting on a whoopee cushion? I’m just imagining Chucky or Freddy having those fake whOops expressions and pretend to fan it out like complete jerks just to annoy others. (it’s kinda funny when you think about it though.)

Accidentally Sitting on a Whoopee Cushion

Jason Voorhees: Like Pepperidge Farm, Jason remembers farts. It has been awhile though; what was once an evacuation pod for wind has since been sealed with crust. This zombie feels nostalgic.

Michael Myers: Never has Michael leapt off a chair faster. Similar to throwing a cucumber in the presence of a cat, he near hits the ceiling. Is this a new adversary?

Freddy Krueger: He is reunited with an old pal; his sole friend as a kid was a whoopee cushion. Expect him attempting to embarrass his victims by introducing the novelty into their nightmares.

Bubba Sawyer: Just sits there as though nothing happened due to having a 10-second delayed reaction. Hmm? Oh. Ha, would you look at that. :)

Nubbins Sawyer & Chop Top: Almost pissing themselves. The single remaining brain cell these two shared upped and left. They believe it is the greatest thing since sliced bread… if they know what that is.

Drayton Sawyer: Digging a hole to bury himself in. How humiliating. Someone is going to get the handle of a broom broken off in their arse.

Brahms Heelshire: Nothing is unfuckable.

Chucky: Absolutely fans it out. A veteran at wafting. He cannot help but cackle at the gag. If anyone tells him it is immature, he only laughs harder.

Hannibal Lecter: Possesses the smallest of smirks on his lips. The quality is dismal and he is far from impressed, but the thought of knowing someone expected it to be funny entertains the cannibal. He is not laughing with them, rather at them.

Norman Bates: Unimpressed. Disgusted. Sprays air freshener regardless.

Pennywise: Familiar with the practical joke. Respects the humour, but plans on shoving it down the throat of a snotty-nosed kid. Do not try to prank a prankster.

Pinhead: Evaporates out of thin air.

Billy Loomis & Stu Macher: One is the giver, and the other, the receiver. One never tires from the absurdity, and the other never found it humorous in the first place. This cushion will be the cause of a broken bromance.

John Kramer: This old geezer cannot tell who made the noise; himself or the cushion. Wrinkled asshole so loose, the farts just roll out.

Jack Torrance: Sober Jack could not give a shit. Drunk Jack thinks it is the shit.

Yautja: He is like when a dog drops one and has no fucking clue where it came from. Naked and Afraid™.

Ash Williams: Suddenly back to being a young boy, Ash is childishly delighted. Immediately wishes to seek revenge and tries to plant it underneath every seat. Any responsibilities he had for the day have been abruptly terminated.

Art the Clown: In hysterics. There are tears in his eyes; his hands are clapping and his knee has been slapped. Expect him to invest in the whoopee game. Obsessed.

[undertale-writing-times]

How would the skeles react to a s/o who has cat like habits like sleeping in weird places staring at cucumbers as if it were their mortal enemy and being really fascinated by Lazer pointers 

Since you didn't say which ones you wanted, I decided to just pick and choose lol. Hope that's fine!

Thanks for the ask :D

Sans- Do you know those owners that would put a cucumber right beside their cats to get them to react to it, for some reason? Just because they find it funny? Yeah, that's exactly what he does. Hey man, if you're going to be weird and act like a cat, he's gonna have his fun with it! He thinks you're weird and he loves how weird you are. It's so cute! Whenever he sees you sleeping in weird places, he'll most likely just climb in with you and sleep beside you. His brother has tripped on you both so many times he's so tired of you both. Sometimes when he's bored and wants to do something, he'll use a laser pointer to see how you react. It's just something that makes him happy which isn't exactly the hardest thing, but also just let him do it. If anyone else ever does anything against you though? He’ll get a little mad, mostly if it’s something that bothers you, since only he’s allowed to do that! Secretly, he wants to see why you act the way you do, and wants to run some tests to see if maybe you had some cat monster in your bloodline or something?

Papyrus- Half of him wants to be annoyed at the fact that you sleep so often, but he can't bring himself to be too mad at you. He will most likely wake you up if you're sleeping somewhere where you could get yourself hurt and tell you to go to sleep in your bed! If you tell him that you're not comfortable in your bed, he'll allow you to sleep in his own! He doesn't quite understand why you do not like cucumbers, because they are not going to hurt you! Though the Great Papyrus! Will protect you from the green things if you really do not like them that much. Even if he just sees them at the store, he will direct you away from them while coming up with an excuse. One time he woke up to see a lot of them in his room and it turned out to be Undyne trying to prank you two, and he was so offended! Of course, sometimes he will... shine the laser pointer to get your attention, he just finds it so cute what you do! Most of him just sorta wonders why you're so excited about it, but doesn't really care because he finds it so cute and exciting. Not to be mean though, just sometimes he wonders if he's dating someone or if he has a pet cat...

Blueberry- No! You aren't allowed to sleep in random places like his brother does, that's dangerous and you could get yourself hurt! He can't stop his brother from doing it, and of course he can't fully stop you, but please don't sleep in random places. Just... sleep on the couch, or something! Pleaseeeee. The whole cucumber thing you do is... confusing to him because they're just vegetables! Yet even so, he won't judge you for your strange fears and won't let anyone else either! He finds your enjoyment of the laser pointer very cute and will tell everyone just how adorable his datemate is! If you tell him not to tell anyone he won't, but he won't let anyone tease you on his watch! He loves you and even loves your weird habits like a cat. As long as you don't, you know, start to bring him dead animals and things...

Stretch- Haha... you're adorable. He loves you. He loves the fact that you act a little like a cat, he thinks it's pretty adorable. The whole falling asleep in random places is something that he himself does sometimes, mostly he has certain spots that he falls asleep in though... he'll tell you about those spots in hope that you'll fall asleep there so he knows where to find you. Sometimes he does worry about you falling asleep in places that could be dangerous, yet hopes that you'd be able to take care of yourself. The whole laser pointer thing is something he also understands, it is nice to watch the light move around though half of him kinda wonders why are you so much like a cat? What did you do to cause that? Anything or... were you just born like that or something different? He won't mess with you about the cucumbers, because that could be dangerous or upsetting for you. If you want to, you can sleep in his hoodie with him... he'd like that. 

Axe- If he's to be honest, sometimes Axe too gets distracted by the laser pointers. He doesn't understand why, but he does and the sleeping in random places is nice but he also worries about you being in dangerous places so often he'll pick you up and carry you off to places that he thinks is safer. Most of the time the couch, his bedroom, or his bundle of blankets and stuff that he collected. The only thing that he doesn't understand is why you don't like cucumbers, but if you don't like them, then fine! He'll protect you from them. The funny thing is he'll most likely just eat them... the only thing between the two of you, is that he can purr! He purrs when he's very happy and relaxed so most of the time when you guys are laying together, he's purring, a deep rumbly sound that makes your body feel like it's vibrating with how strong it is. His brother can purr too, not as loud, but strangely enough, he can't explain to you why he can purr? 

Red- Ugh. To be honest, Red isn't too sure how to feel about you. At first, he thought that you were annoying and wished you'd stop acting like a stupid cat! He hates cats but slowly he started to grow attached to you, which was annoying. Even if he's attached to you, he's still going to put a cucumber around to freak you out, just because he finds your reactions funny. He'll just have to be careful because if he scares Doomfanger, Edge is going to kill him. Luckily Edge already has a laser pointer so often Red will 'borrow' it and use it to play with you because he likes seeing how you get excited about it. Now he wants to see other things, how would you act to other cat things? Like yarn? Oh, and he'll warn you to try not to fall asleep where Edge could find you, because he really hates it when people fall asleep in random places. Red does it because of his narcolepsy sometimes. Yeah, he got diagnosed with that after they came above ground and they gave him some medications that helps him stop falling asleep randomly. Sometimes Edge does still get mad at him.

Edge- Well as long as Doomfanger doesn't get jealous of you, he doesn't mind you acting in the way that you do. Though, honestly, expect him to sometimes pet your head without thinking, then get embarrassed if you question him on it and shout that he didn't do anything as stupid as that! The whole falling asleep in random places annoys him, and he will wake you up to tell you to go sleep somewhere else. He already has to deal with his brother falling asleep randomly, he doesn't want to have to deal with you doing that and do not, and I really mean do not, get scared by cucumbers in front of him he will make fun of you... or at least tell you that that is a bad thing to be scared of. If you tell him that you can't help it, he'll try to be nicer but expect some snarky comments. 

Wiseguy- To be honest, he's one of the people that really doesn't care about the fact that you want to be like a cat. It isn't that he doesn't care, but more he doesn't really mind it too much? He thinks it's honestly pretty cute. Sometimes it does annoy him, mostly when he’s trying to walk and ends up accidentally tripping on you. If that happens, most of the time, he’ll just end up falling asleep too. The whole... cucumber thing is the most confusing thing for him, why do you look at them like that? He likes cucumbers he’ll sometimes eat them but hey, if you don’t like them, he guesses he won’t? They weren’t his favorite food anyway. Funnily enough, Boss likes you which he finds shocking, since normally Boss doesn’t like anyone! He assumes it’s because you act a little like a cat. Sometimes it does make him a little jealous... Not that he’d admit it!

Boss- He fucking loves cats. Sometimes when he's trying to sleep, he wonders if that's why he first started to date you but grew to be attracted to you in different ways, as well? He doesn't really understand or care. Of course, after they got together, he looked you up to try to learn more about you, searching through medical records and everything that he could look through. It might seem like he's just some murderer but he really doesn't kill all that often, he leaves it more towards his brother and he only kills with sniper guns or poison as a less 'messy' way. Anyway, enough about that. He does like cats a lot and finds what you do amusing, and it's one of the only times that he'll smile while resting his head on his hand, messing with the laser pointer. If anyone tries to be mean to you about how you act though? He doesn't mind making a bit of a... mess. He loves you! You're his datemate, and he might not look like it all the time, but he does. 

Crank- Crank likes you. No, really, he very much likes you. He thinks it's nice to have someone that acts in a way that he can expect and understand a lot. So since you act a lot like a cat, he just studies cats and things? He finds it a tad strange how you react to cucumbers? Once he really looks through it and finds out that the reasons cats dislike cucumbers as they do, is because they think they look like snakes and they don't like how it just appears randomly. For you, he has no idea why you're like that but he is interested! He thinks you're one of the cutest things ever and when he's high he'll laugh and shine the laser pointer around until you 'catch it' and he'll be proud of you. Cuddle him, he'll love the cuddles and will hug onto you hiding his face into your neck or side, just enjoying how warm and soft you are... Often, he'll worry about you falling asleep in places that you could get hurt, so he has told you places that you should sleep that are comfortable and safe.

Corn- Hoo boy. Harvest is gonna have a conniption when he sees you both asleep in the weirdest of places, like on top of the fridge that one time? How'd you both even get up there? He ain't gonna tell, and nobody can make him, dad gum it. Course he'll normally try to get his work done first before doing anything else, but sometimes he really just needs to take naps. Normally his brother understands that, and that's nice, since he wouldn't go and throw a fuss or nothing. He's ready and rarin' to go to mess with you though! He's gonna use a flashlight shining it to get you to chase after it, because you seem to enjoy that and it makes him happy himself to get you to do things. Half of him does wonder why you're acting like a cat, but other than that he doesn't really care. he finds it fun.

Harvest- He loves you. He really does, but come on Y/n, what the hell? What's wrong with you? He already has to deal with his brother sleeping in weird places, so why does he have to with you now? At least with you sleeping you can help out around the farm, or where he's going. When he learns that you don't like cucumbers which is... strange but hey, everyone has something that they don't like, so he wouldn't judge or anything! He buys a laser pointer just to be able to mess with you, because it helps you get out energy that he didn't know you had! Mostly when he's trying to sleep and you're moving around too much. If you're going to act like a cat, he's going to treat you like a little dumb cat. Now he ain't trying to be mean or nothin', but bless his heart it's tiring at times! Though he'll never leave you because he loves you, come hell or high water.

[etherealluminescence]

Could I request MC being distant with their demon bro S/O and hanging out with their brothers more. The bros don’t know why. Do they wanna break up? Do they need some space away? Do they like another one of the bros more? As they go to talk things out with MC they overhear them talking with the other bros about how they want to plan the perfect date for their 1 year anniversary and need their help in making sure everything goes well. How do the bros react??

Of course anon! Sorry for the late reply, here you go! I just got back from the hospital, aha guess who has sciatica, that might not go away for months? aha aha. 2021 sure is a bang!! (:

Side note I got a free pull on chapter and got a UR but literally nothing on my ten pull not even an SSR that I didn’t own. I only got one SSR. This is luck and so unlucky.

Brothers react to GN!Reader being distant..?

Lucifer

Lucifer was often busy, and he knew that. He stayed up late and had to attend many meetings, but you’d always be so understanding and he loved that about you.

But recently, you haven’t been waiting for him in his office or running to his office with a warm cup of tea, telling him not to overwork himself like normal.

At first he was not super concerned. You must be busy getting your midterms done, and studying! You want him to be proud of you and praise you.

However he happened to go for a break and see you leisurely chatting with his brothers? And not studying? After noticing him, you avoided eye contact and ran.

He was concerned and knew something was up. He would confront you, but it seems like you did not want to talk to him. Did he do something wrong?

He started taking a few breaks, and sort of stalked you. He was getting annoyed and was going to finally corner you, until he heard Mammon very loudly shout out this was going to be the best anniversary date.

Asmo was also clapping and cheering talking about how cute/cool you would look for your anniversary date for Lucifer. It finally clicked.

He chuckled to himself as he walked back into his office and quickly finished off his work, after being in a good mood. He’s been so busy recently he failed to realise your anniversary was so soon.

When your first anniversary date finally came, he was calm and collected. Before you could even tell him the plan, who pulled out some flowers and chocolate, giving you a chaste kiss on the forehead.

Mammon

He was having a really bad day, losing all of the money he just earned, and wanted to cuddle you.

You were nowhere to be seen, so he waited for you on the couch, seeking your warmth as soon as you returned.

However, you came back with Beel,, and Lucifer,, and Belphie... why??? Why would you hang out with those guys?? On a Saturday?!

He pounced and cuddle you, and chased off his brothers. He cuddled you in front of the door, and wouldn’t let you get up for twenty minutes and kept mumbling “you’re my human!”

After head patting and backrubbing, he sat up and got off of you. You gently got up and told him you’ve got things to do, but you’ll cuddle later.

Later never came, but you talking to his brothers did. Why weren’t you giving him attention? You were his! He was your first! And that includes first to talk to about your day!

It was completely accidental, but while he headed to your room to cuddle, he heard you pleading with Lucifer to not be mean to Mammon for awhile, and to help make your date smooth.

He thought you were asking Lucifer on a date, but then he heard his name, and one year anniversary.

Fuck. He forgot that existed. Wait wait wait. His human is setting up a date? He’s so proud.

You already know that he knows because he’s utterly confident approaching you and puffs out his chest and swings his arm around your shoulder,

He thinks he’s so sneaky, but you all knew that he knows. If that’s the case, he may as well get his snuggle time back now.

Leviathan

You would go to Levi’s room every evening after dinner just to hear him ramble on about his newest merch, or to cuddle him and give him an abundance of affection.

However, recently you’ve said that you needed to focus on your grades a bit, since you were failing, so you’ll make it up to him when it’s over.

Of course he didn’t question it. A normie like you still has to occasionally study. He was going to play some horror games he recently bought, so it was for the best.

He was so absorbed in his games he didn’t notice you haven’t stopped by for a week, or that your grades weren’t even bad. That was until..

“Shit.” He hissed as he reached into an empty drawer. All of his emergency rations were gone, so he’d have to leave his room to fetch somemore. He begrudgingly made his way to the kitchen, where he found you laughing and joking with his brothers.

He didn’t enter, only watch through a small creak in the door and let his mind go wild. Did you hate him? Why are you laughing? Is mammon actually funny? Why are you nodding? Why is there that excited look in your eyes?

He ran away back to his room seething with rage. He was jealous, yet afraid. A thousand thoughts went through his head, to the point he was ignoring you when you approached him.

You were concerned, but it made your job easier. Though, this made Levi angrier and caused him to doubt himself more. Why weren’t you chasing after him??! It’s obvious he wants you to ask him what’s wrong.

He finally marched to the living room, his jealousy outweighing his self-doubt, and was about to confront you. Until he heard Beel say he got the reservation at a cat-maid cafe downtown.

What? And then he heard Mammon say that he found the figurine of a limited edition Ruri chan you were trying to get for your anniversary.

Shit oh man. Levi forgot about your anniversary. He thought you said you didn’t want to do anything?? He’s keyboard smashing while his face goes red, running to his room.

Are you really doing this for him?? A yucky otaku?? Is it true you actually live him? His jealousy instantly cleared and he became giddy, and then worried about what to get you.

On the day of the date he fidgeted a whole lot waiting for you to ask him, and nearly shouted yes as you told him you wanted to go somewhere. He fell in love with you again.

Satan

Immediately suspicious when you refused to spend time with him. Thought you were mad at him or tired of him, due to his anger issues.

Gets angry when he sees you talking to his brothers, or walking with them in between classes. When did you get so close with them?

He’s not one to hide his feelings, so he was going to ask you what’s going on, he’s not playing a cat and mouse game with you. If you don’t love him anymore, just tell him. And at the very least don’t let it be Lucifer who you love now.

Your anniversary was coming up and he knew it. He didn’t want to waste his time planning something for you two if you were going to break up with him.

He was entering the living room to confirm your feelings with you when he hears Lucifer tell you where you could get one of Satan’s favourite spell books that he’s wanted a hard copy of since forever.

He hears Beel tell you of good restaurants, and understands. You were doing that cliche things that happens in books.

He chuckled to himself for not being a great detective on this case, and observed you from a distance. Happy looking at you, who thinks they’re so sneaky.

On the day of the date he completely one ups you, whatever gift you gave him was nothing compared to amount of love he showered you with, and he even played stupid.

“I’m so hurt, I thought you’d break up with me on our anniversary.” You panicked and tried to reassure him and watch him laugh.

Asmodeous

Honey, do you REALLY think he’d forget your anniversary, or think his brothers are a thing to worry about? He’s the prettiest out of all of them! What’s there to worry about?

He catches on very early that you were planning to make your anniversary special. He can just feel your love for him, even when you’re distant.

He knows the only reason you’d communicate with all those annoying brother’s of his for more than five minutes and ignore him is if you’re asking about him!

He overhears you talking to them about them when he comes back from shopping one day, which confirms his suspicions.

It’s a good thing, since he can freely go shop for you. He buys a ton of stuff because your cute face keeps popping up in his head, and how cute you are planning a secret date for him because you love him.

Your cuteness might even rival his. While you finish up setting the date, he’s preparing himself. The night before he goes all out with his beauty products, cucumbers, face mask.

He even anonymously leaves you a bunch of beauty products. Of course it had to be Asmo though, since there was glitter everywhere, and a bunch of hearts on a note that said “anonymous”.

The next day he wore his cutest outfit, an adorable crop top and sweater, with his designer bags and boots, he looked like the absolute queen he is.

From the gift you got, you assumed he knew. And from his look, he knew. It was just amazing how you seven really thought Asmo, the king of love, would not remember the anniversary of the one person he’s ever actually loved, not just for their body, but for their personality.

Would be insulted if you didn’t do this for him. You’re just so adorable!! He also forces you to change your outfit to match with him, and absolutely uploads a ton of selfies saying matching and couple goals!!

Beelzebub

You told him you were busy, and that you couldn’t spend as much time with him as usual. He was super supportive like you have a life too!! Go ahead!! I love you!! Don’t worry!!

But then he sees you hanging out with his brothers a lot and laughing and having fun and his aura just radiates the “):” face.

Did you not want to spend time with him? Is it because he ate part of your wall? Were you tired of him?? Did you not like big boys anymore??

He looked super sad and depressed and you wanted to cry and squish his cheeks, but didn’t want to ruin the surprise. You forced your heart to be closed so you could make him happy later.

He knew your anniversary was coming up and wanted to do something special!! But did you subtly hint you no longer loved him and not even attempt to do an anniversary food binge with you?

It clicked when he walked in on Asmo shoving clothes in your direction telling you to pick out your favourite one, so he could match you and Beel for the day of your date.

His entire entity went from “):” to “:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He just mentally said I love you.

He just melted to your touch in the few moments you would stay together. He couldn’t hide how much he loved you and wanted to squish you afterwards, with his big soft hands. But he had to resist.

You thought he was touch deprived, but were so glad to see it wasn’t the case!! And that he actually had a surprise for you!!

On top of all his meal coupons he’s saved on the past decade, he covered you in kisses and snuggled with you!!

Your date was cancelled because he just ended up cuddling you for so long, it was afternoon by the time you made it to the door.

Belphiegor

He was asleep a lot, so he didn’t notice at first. But each time he fell asleep with you, he woke up with empty arms. Sometimes even in his bed and alone.

Made him kind of pissed, because he liked how squishy you were. Your stomach was a great pillow, and he could hear your heartbeat when he laid his head on your chest. Your thighs were also plush and smooth.

Then it finally made him pissed to the pissiest degree you when you said you couldn’t sleep with him.

He was throwing a tantrum later when he saw you talking to his brothers. He was going to murder all of them if they did not sleep with one eye open.

One of these days he knew he was going to stab Lucifer in his sleep for being a little bitch, having to exist and breathe oxygen, but now the others are up on that list. Maybe not Beel, but he was still angry at him.

It was an accident, but he heard them talk about your one year anniversary, and heard Beel ask if you were getting enough sleep from how often you’ve been going out to prepare.

He’s like,, what one year anniversary? Is it a human world celebration?

Oh. He just said your one year dating anniversary. He is dating you.

He forgot that existed, people celebrating relationship goals. He’s never dated anyone. He doesn’t like people in general.

He huffed due to how you refused him and always left, over a small deal. It’s just an anniversary. But since you’re so excited he could let it go.

He napped a whole lot, and it came to the date sooner than he expected. You were all dressed up and he combed his hair and took a refreshing shower.

This is true couple goals, he didn’t look like he just rolled out of bed for once, and it was just to make you happy. He even gave you a little pillow!!

[apenapaperandadoofus]

Hiiii

If you're up for it

How do you think would Saeyoung react to an MC who plans to adopt a bunny? 🤔

Can we even trust him with taking care of the bunny while we're gone for a while or can we let him around the bunny at all-

No. No we can't

First of all, the bunny will die from.the amount of cuddles this man's will give it.

Not only that, he'd also make a small obstacle course that would start out as adorable but will.alowly be turned into a death trap with fire and big ass laberynth (how do you write it??? Je suis confusion)

Not only that but don't bunnies have to get like a whole goddamn ritual to take a shower PFTTT I heard you have to be very careful.when you bathe them or else they will be d e c e a s e d

Bunnies would probably become his new obsession after cats too lmao, he'd always be spamming the chatroom with pictures holding up the bunny like

Me and Bartholomew the third are so cute ✌️😗

Or, we're doing a spa day (with a picture of him and the bunny in bath towels and those masks and cucumbers on their eyes lmao)

Truly it's a 50-50 chance.

It's like with children.

There's a chance that Saeyoung will just- maybe accidentally kill them by giving them too much candy and spoiling them too much, but that we also know this man would die for them and so its lIke awww cute but also please don't kill them pfttt

Also we're making Vanderwood clean even more the poor guy 💀

[cutietobio]

HC��s for Ushijima, Bokuto, Kageyama, Nishinoya, & Kuroo with an S/O who fosters kittens / has lots of pets cats. Like sis just can’t seem to say no to an animal in need. How would they react?

Sure, anon! Hope you like it :’) I apologize for the inconsistent length, but I get more ideas for some characters than others at a time.

USHIJIMA

- He’s a dog person (confirmed by my group chat, very reliable source) so he’s used to more energetic pets. He does admit that your cats are very calming, and he finds himself smiling at the sounds of their purrs. All of your cats are drawn to him like a magnet, he doesn’t understand why and he sits with a stoic face, hands on his knees while dozens of cats are rubbing up against his legs, chest and one even found its way upon his head. He would remain as still as possible, hoping they find it comfortable up there.

- He’s not very talkative when playing with your cats, but you see the soft smile which graces his features at the funny antics of your furry friends. It’s all very calming, your favourite moments is during a rainy evening when Ushijima cuddles with you upon your couch and all your kitties join in on the love. (catch me crying in the club rn, your head is resting on his chest, legs intertwined, blanket over the both of you and your cats are scattered everywhere. One is nestled upon your feet, a few on the armrests and on top of the back while a very tiny kitten is curled up on Ushijima’s sternum, underneath his warm hand)

- He would spoil them a lot, bringing over treats and exotic-sounding food. The once he came over with cotton candy flavoured meat treats and you soon realized his obsession with strangely flavoured items. Each week he comes back with something weird and you fear that your cats won't like it but you give it to them anyway, to your surprise, they almost never turn their nose to it, and if they do, Ushijima is able to get them to eat it just by holding it out for them.

BOKUTO

- He’s surprised upon first visiting your home, only to be greeted by seemingly dozens of cats staring back at him. He lets out a sudden noise of excitement, causing all your furry friends to scatter in multiple directions. Yeah, they’re kinda scared of him and yes, Bokuto looks extremely dejected about it. The whole visit he attempts to warm up to your cats who keep a wary eye on him and pouts when none of them warms up to him. Feeling bad for him, you brought him your newest addition to your cat family which had been a tiny little kitten which you distanced from the rest. It had no power to fight back and instantly curled up into Bokuto’s chest. You swore his eyes grew misty and his smile was absolutely contagious. 

- Eventually, your cats warm up to him after his constant visits and he never fails to bring them gifts. These include treats, toys and even costumes. He buys these all unironically, he’s genuinely so excited to see what they will look like in the cute sparkly dress he bought because his heart swelled upon first seeing it. Unwilling to disappoint, you dress up one of your more tamer cats in the outfit and Bokuto is almost brought to the verge of tears at how cute they look. He’s very enthusiastic when it comes to your babies :’)

- Frequently questions when you’re considering getting your next cat. You make the mistake of asking him if he would like to tag along with you and pick out a cat to foster, you return home with four additional kittens all snugly asleep in Bokuto’s arms. (...can ya’ll imagine seeing him carrying a bunch of sleeping kittens in his muscular AF arms... I-) 

- Your love for cats is so endearing to Bokuto, he catches himself staring at you whilst you play with them, admiration gleaming within his eyes. Seeing you so gentle towards them makes his heart swell with pride at the thought that he managed to meet and date someone as loving and caring as you. He doesn’t even play his staring off as something else when you catch him and instead he openly admits what a lovely person you are. (your cat is sitting there like...human...proceed giving me attention with the delightful chase of the feather string...why do you love this owl-head anyway)

KAGEYAMA

- The only experience Kageyama has had when it comes to pets is his own fish which he sometimes forgets exists. This is proved canon by my group chat members and I. He’s pretty overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cats you have and finds himself awkwardly stroking one who comes up and rubs themselves against his legs. He looks a bit uncomfortable, not sure what to do. You help him ease up by putting your hand on top of his and guiding it over the soft fur of your cat. 

- Kageyama finds your will to help cats admirable, not that he would do something like that himself, but he can tell a lot of hard work goes into it and he thinks you’re amazing for being able to cope. Many times he finds himself willing to help you clean up or even help bathe one of your cats. His hands are full of scratches afterwards and you feel sick to your stomach with guilt, only for him to offer you a small smile of reassurance and tell you he didn't mind - it was fun, in fact, seeing as he never had the opportunity to take care of his own pet in such a way before. 

- He’s only close with one of your cats. For some reason, this cat eases him and whenever he comes over, he’s instantly greeted by the cat upon stepping through the door. The one time, you caught Kageyama falling asleep upon your bed with the cat curled up against his chest, both of them with seemingly content smiles. You managed to snag a picture and it will forever remain your profile picture because what on earth can top a sleeping Kageyama with his favourite cat snuggling on top of him. (me thinking about Kageyama cuddling with a cat.)

NISHINOYA

- Your poor cats.

- In the beginning, Nishinoya is in awe at how many cats you have. He doesn’t make an attempt to rush towards them but he definitely thinks their cute. He’s more interested in how he can entertain himself by playing with them. You show him some tricks they can do and he’s immediately hooked, oohing at every minor thing they do. 

- “Whoa! that was so cool,,” 

- “Uh..that wasn’t a trick.”

- Lowkey terrorizes your cats ngl. He’s gonna test out the theory that cats are afraid of cucumbers like he’s seen so many times on youtube and laugh his ass off when one of your cats jump nearly ten feet into the air. He records the whole thing and likely uploads it to social media. He likes to set up pranks for them. The one time you wanted to walk into the kitchen, only to find the entrance blocked off with clingwrap and all your cats sitting expectantly before it, their heads bouncing around in sync. Peering around the doorway, you find Nishinoya sipping on a milk box as he waves a toy around, holding back the snickers at how funny your cats look trying to get through.

- Overall, he thinks its really cool of you to do such a thing. Despite pulling pranks on your cats, he’s really endeared by them. Knowing how much you want to help, he often sends you posts he finds from animal shelters who are looking for foster homes. It makes you happy knowing he keeps your interests in mind when you’re away from each other.

- He’ll come over with catnip one day, saying he wants to see how high your cats can get. “Damn, pass the joint du-” *hiss* “I just want my hit, man.”

KUROO

- He’s in his element whenever he comes over to your house, your cats literally swarm around his feet upon barely taking a step inside the door. He’s their cat daddy, and you have zero say in the situation. Your cats probably like him more than you and you can’t even be mad at them tbh. Of course, you get a bit salty when your cats, which you have handpicked and rescued from a terrible fate, turn their nose to your cooing and tempting treats and instead find comfort in curling next to Kuroo who is watching youtube videos, not even making an effort to coax them into doing so.

- You have that one cat, the true OG, your loyal disciple who refuses to leave your side. They turn their head at Kuroo like he’s a walking infestation inside your house and they refuse to look at him with their nose up in the air. You don’t pick favourites, you love all your kitties equally, but you do find yourself loving that specific cat more during those moments. Kuroo doesn’t really mind, he just ruffles your hair teasingly and sarcastically comments that it’s good at least one of your cats love you. (yes, you did attack him with a pillow afterwards.)

- He truly doesn’t mind your mild obsession with cats. He loves them and they love him, with the exception of one. He doesn’t encourage you out of the blue but if you talk about potentially wanting to rescue a new cat he’s totally there to support you. This dude buys you so much cat food! You hardly need to go out and buy any, it’s like an unlimited supply. The one time he burst your front door open, carrying two bags of cat food over his shoulders whilst posing theatrically. “Come to me, my sweet children,” he says loudly over the deafening meow’s of your cats that circle his legs.

- He would likely ironically buy your cats these stupid looking costumes and dress them up with literal tears of laughter in his eyes. He lowkey makes fun of your cats and even YOU feel personally offended. But you gotta admit, he brings home really funny outfits and you feel bad for laughing at times. Kuroo is there for all the fun things, but as soon as it comes to bathing your cats or cleaning out litter boxes, he’s outta there.

[anthropwashere]

Phic Phight: these lofty thoughts are killing me

Prompt from @ibelieveinahappilyeverafter: Undergrowth Sam AU. Sam’s time as mother of Undergrowth’s garden left it’s scars - and scars can go deep. Sam’s always known she shared a close connection with plants, but now she hears them. She knows what they think and what they feel and can control them. On one hand it’s terrifying, but on the other… The ghosts should be a lot more terrified of her now.

@currentlylurking @phicphight

Word count: 4,604

=

Sam tries not to think about then.

Maybe it's better to say she tries not to think about the gaping hole in her memory where then ought to be.

She's hardly the only one in that particular boat. The whole of Amity Park suffers from a ghost-induced amnesia spanning over a week. It's all anyone talks about for ages; where they were when the plants attacked, where they were when they finally woke up again. Trying to make sense of senselessness. And even now, months after the fact, there are still traces of that city-wide attack not yet repaired. Cracked concrete, homes and business too ravaged to salvage, miles of withered vines with thorns like carving knives, enormous mummified plants with mammalian fangs in human mouths, swathes of green-limned ice that refuses to melt even now. 

(Every time one of the three of them finds another frozen chunk of Amity Park Danny moves ASAP to take care of it, since not even anything his parents have cooked up can do much damage to it. The guilt twisting Danny up is horrible to watch unfold across his weary face; made worse still because for all that he and Tucker insist otherwise, it really was her fault.)

There's no hiding it: Amity Park was shaken to its foundations by Undergrowth. Even more so, perhaps, than by Pariah Dark. The Ghost King had transported the entire city directly into the Ghost Zone and did his utmost to run it to ruin with his army of skeleton ghosts. It had been a terrifying and impossible experience, and everyone can agree they only got out of that one thanks to Phantom. But the thing is, everyone in Amity Park can remember Pariah Dark's attack.

But Undergrowth? Flashes and flickers of almosts and maybes at best for everyone involved, and that is somehow so much more terrifying. What did they do? What were they made to do? How many missing and confirmed dead weren't taken by the towering ghost and all its myriad minions, but by one of them? Are they ever going to remember what happened? Is it better if they don't? 

And on, and on, and Sam's right alongside everyone else except in every way she isn't. Yes, she doesn't remember anything. But she knows she's at fault, because Danny told her just so.

Not in so many words, of course. He's too good for that. Too good a person, too good a ghost, too good a hero. He would never lay the blame for anything terrible that happened at anyone's feet but his own. He wasn't good enough, strong enough, fast enough—and on, and on. Never mind that he went and scrounged up and mastered an entirely new subset of powers just to counter Undergrowth—

(and her)

—and never mind the countless lives he did save. People were hurt, and worse, because he thinks he wasn't the hero Amity Park thinks he is. That's just the way he is.

Undergrowth was wrong. Sam knew that. She knew that. He was too extreme, too insane, too insistent on terraforming the entire planet to suit his self-aggrandizing whim to consider the consequences for whatever else lives here. Not just self-centered jerks with their gas-guzzling cars and plastic, one time use lives. There are so many people out there who understand what Sam's trying to do here in Amity, who do so much more to fight the ceaseless grinding up of Earth's finite resources than what one fourteen year old can do on her own. There are good people in the world fighting the evil and corrupt and greedy. There’s good in this world. You can't just—wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

You can't.

=

Sam remembers—the first attack. 

Sam remembers—waking up after it was all over. 

She remembers feeling sick and sluggish. Boneless. Dizzy and swooping like she'd downed too much cold medicine. Limbs slow to react, her thoughts even slower. She remembers her surroundings like a badly dubbed old kung fu movie; everyone moving at exaggerated angles, their voices not matching their mouths. She remembers Danny blinking too quickly, like he was trying not to cry he was so glad to see she was okay.

She remembers thinking with a cold and sullen fury, How dare he? 

What the fuck? had followed right on the heels of that, thankfully, because she’d had no idea why she'd ever in a million years be so angry with her best friend.

She remembers—knowing time had passed. Too much time. A dangerous and scary amount of time. And she remembers looking around and seeing the city halfway destroyed. And she remembers—

—guilt.

Guilt that made no sense until Danny, hours and hours later, faltered through an obviously edited summary of the week Amity Park forgot. She and Tucker had both blinked at him, and at each other, horrified and dismayed to find that Danny had had to do so much all on his own, that they'd been so vulnerable, so useless—

—but there'd been no guilt in Tucker's expression. No sign of the guilt that tangled up her guts in a cat's cradle until she was certain she'd throw up—

—and then she did have to throw up, staggering off to the bathroom in her basement, barely able to slam the door and fall to her knees before the toilet in time. She hates throwing up, hates the sweating and the shaking, hates the smell and the sound, hates how no matter what something always gets stuck in her nose. She'd screwed her face up tight so she didn't have to watch, rode out the worst of it, then sat there breathing wetly and hating life for a minute.

One of the boys had knocked gently on the bathroom door. "You okay?"

"Guh," she replied, throat hurting terribly at the effort. 

Sam remembers—opening her eyes, and the fear, and the confusion, and the certainty that she couldn't tell anyone, ever.

The toilet bowl had been full of flowers. 

=

That hasn't happened since, and—as far as she can tell—there haven't been any health issues that could have sprung up from having an indeterminate amount of flora taking root in her digestive system. 

She hasn't gone out much since then. School, patrol, the ghost attacks that invariably spring up outside of when she's penciled in time for a little extra chaos. She's made up excuses whenever Danny and Tucker invite her to hang out. She hasn't gone shopping or to a movie or any other perfectly normal after-school activity.

She's not hiding.

She's not.

It's just... easier, to not be around people any more than the barest necessity. At least until she feels... settled again. Normal again. For her, and for whatever 'normal' is worth in a town regularly terrorized by bigger and toothier and crueler ghosts with every passing month. It's fine. Danny's got Tucker and Jazz for the attacks that she's slow to arrive for, and Danny is—

Danny can handle himself. He's strong. He's amazing. He took Undergrowth—

(and her)

—down all on his own, no power suit or ghostly backup needed. It's fine.

Her parents seem to have miraculously caught on for once that she really does need some space; after the initial handsy-hugsy panicked relief the first couple days after Undergrowth, they gave her space (and anything else she asked for too, for that matter), only prodding her gently to come inside to eat now and then. Which she's grateful for, really, because she's pretty sure she wouldn't remember to eat at all without some prodding.

Something about eating rubs her wrong, now. The resistance of a carrot clenched between her teeth, the juicy flesh of an orange slice bursting under pressure, rice grains squirming like maggots on her tongue. She made a salad two days ago and couldn't stop thinking of the glamorized crime scenes from all those police procedural shows on TV; oversaturated, garish, someone's life torn open in a tasteless arrangement of stiff limbs. 

A cabbage is not a person. Cucumbers are not people. Almonds are a good source of protein.

Damn it.

Most of the time she hides—relaxes—in her greenhouse. Tucker had cracked a joke about that, though it had gone in one ear and out the other. Something something, bad taste. Blah blah, she's gone native. Didn't I tell you plants are the enemy?

Danny had laughed. Sam had to fight to keep her hands loose at her sides, to let it roll off like it didn't hurt while she tried to remind herself that it shouldn't hurt. That had earned her another tally in the ‘needing time away from people’ column. Not like, total isolation. School. Patrol. Dinner with her parents and grandma. She still does things with people. But every minute she's not in her greenhouse she feels this—this hand around her heart. This tightness that squeezes just enough that she's never not aware of it, and it's become so, so much easier for her to startle, to flinch from loud noises, to find herself overstimulated by her friends laughing as she is people screaming in the wake of ghosts. The hand squeezes until she can hardly breathe, and she thinks of the flowers she'd thrown up and thinks of roots, and thorns, and the fragility of her lungs, and it gets so hard to breathe—

Nobody's caught her breaking down yet. She hopes she can keep it that way. She hopes she can get over this—this anxiety, or fear, or whatever this is. 

But for all that she spends so much time in her greenhouse, the only place she doesn't feel that hand around her heart, she can't really say she's all that relaxed there either.

=

Another day put between then and now. Life around Amity Park is just about back to normal. If she's feeling generous with her definition of normal, anyway. She's made it through school without any issues and now she's free to hide—relax!—for a few hours in her greenhouse before one of her parents will come tapping at the door.

"Hey guys," she says, lackluster.

The whole greenhouse shivers at the sound of her voice.

Yep. That's totally normal. Nothing weird about that at all!

Ugh.

She goes through her after-school checklist by rote memory, biting her tongue to keep herself from the usual silly commentary she used to say along with it. She's learned better.  Undergrowth did—something to her. Something she's lied through her teeth about to Danny and Tucker, assuring them that she's fine, she's normal, there aren't any lingering effects from—whatever it was. Is. She's different now. Not outwardly, not in any of the ways Danny risks being discovered as inhuman every single day. She's not like Danny. She's still human.

She is.

But she can still do inhuman things. Or—not do. Nothing as active as ghost rays or flight or anything fun. But she can—influence. She still has an inhuman influence, and it's all she can do to keep her garden still.

Even with her teeth clenched so tightly her jaw aches and a headache blooms—nngh—at her temples, the slightest graze of her fingers across a leaf makes whatever plant she's touched quiver. When she picks up her pruning shears to clean up the tomato plants she can see them flush bigger and brighter before her very eyes. There's the tiniest, softest—niggling in the back of her mind, an itch on her teeth and goosebumps down her skin.

(mother)

She drops the shears. Before she can move to grab them a tendril of healthy green leaves curls off of the trellis to pluck them up out of the dirt and deposit them neatly in her numb hands again.

"...Thanks," she grits out.

All of the tomatoes swell to the size of tennis balls, their leaves straining to catch up. Two of the nearest ones split their blood red skins open to beam beatifically at her. There are teeth in their dripping grins, or something shaped enough like teeth to curdle her stomach.

"Stop."

The grins shrink, though the seams remain. She resolves to never eat those two. The thought of throwing them out however, is almost as revolting. She leaves without finishing the after-school checklist, opting to hide in the basement bowling alley with her grandma until dinner. It's not half as relaxing as it used to be.

=

She can't avoid her greenhouse. Not even for a day. Her garden needs daily attention. It needed it—before. 

It did.

Now the thought of ignoring it, even for an afternoon, makes her physically ill. So she doesn't know if it's guilt for not finishing her after-school checklist earlier or something—else, something left in her from then—

—she tries, she tries, she tries to remember anything from then, but there's only—

—hunger, and anger, and pride for her—

—her—

—her children. 

Nothing concrete. Nothing real. Nothing she can make use of. All she knows is that she's different, and it's most obvious here in her chil—

—garden. Her garden.

They won't hurt her. No matter what she says or does, this she knows for certain. Her garden will never hurt her.

Somehow, that isn't as comforting as it should be. All she can think of are teeth sinking into meat, and the sound of a scream, and splattering—

And she has no idea if Undergrowth made her order the—the—the children to kill someone, or if he goaded her into doing it personally. And she doesn't know which is worse. 

It's night now. Late. After patrol. Her cell phone is an intrusive blue glow in her greenhouse, the only light she dare use in case one of her parents is still awake. For all that they've been weirdly accommodating since then, she doesn't want to push her luck. It's a school night, after all. It's hardly any light at all to go by, really. She's tempted to pull up the flashlight app at least, but—

(hello hello)

(mother's back)

(we missed you mother)

—it's maybe safer to do this in the dark. For all that her throat closes up when she hears a loud rustling sweep through her greenhouse. For all that her feet feel like dead weights as she drags them across the dirt floor until she's stood in the center. In the heart of her domain.

She breathes. 

"I hear you," she whispers.

The rustling grows louder, and louder still. Tables creak under growing and shifting weights. Shadows move closer into the faint light of her cell phone. A hundred or more whispers settle in some weird space between her sinus cavity and her brain, heard like something from the cusp of a dream. Mother, they all say. We love you, we love you, we're here for you.

Her legs give out, but something cool and dry catches her before she can fall. She clings to it, swallowing a shriek. They won't hurt her.

They won't.

Now she just has to make sure they won't hurt anyone else either.

"That's right. I'm your—ha." She buries her face in her hands, feeling somewhere between playing pretend and outright deranged. "Ha ha! Can—this is—can you call me something else? Please? I'm way too young to be anybody's mom, let alone my own personal—shit, I dunno. All of you. Just—call me Sam."

That earns her a whole bass-boosted chorus of Sam! Sam! Sam! until she lets go of the vine-branch-thing to clap her hands over her ears. "Easy! Jeez! Take it down a notch, okay? I really can't—do this—with all of you shouting at me."

Sam! Sam! Sam! gets a lot quieter. Not manageable, not really, since a bunch of plants are chanting her name like she's a rock star, but at least it feels less like she's laid out in a dentist's chair getting worked on without local anesthetic. 

"Okay. Okay. I—" she giggles. This is so stupid. This is so dangerous. "Are you—Undergrowth?"

Shadows chirp no, no, no at her like hulking baby birds. 

"Are you still his, though? If he came back, would you listen to him instead of me?"

No, no, no, they chirp. Something coils up one of her legs, catching on her bootlaces and tickling the back of her knee. 

"No, you're not his?"

Not his, something whispers right in her fucking ear. She recoils, trips over whatever's feeling up her thigh, and gets caught again by the vine-branch-thing. She's pretty sure it's a branch of her orange tree. It smells citrus-y, at least. Splayed ungainly, she tries to get her heart under control. She feels like she's in the middle of a horror movie. It's way too easy to imagine some know-it-all dipshit yelling at her through a mouthful of popcorn. Get out, you dumb bitch! 

Yeah, yeah. She knows. She knows. Messing around with things she doesn't understand is what got Danny zapped in the first place. It's a long chain of events between the accident and tonight, but every step of it's her fault.

"Okay," she says shakily. "Okay. And if he came back...?"

We're yours, her garden croons, humming all at once and all through her in a way that makes it feel like her muscles are coming loose from her bones. We belong to you, our Sam.

She shivers. "L-lucky me."

=

So this is a thing she's got going on now, apparently, and no obvious way to make it stop. At least, not any way that wouldn't require her to tear her greenhouse apart down to the last garlic bulb, which would be extraordinarily expensive, extraordinarily alarming to anyone who knows her, and extraordinarily too much like a whole lot of murder. Plants aren't people, but these plants sure do like to tell her how much they love her.

So. It's a thing. Talking to plants. Plants that are definitely souped up on whatever ambient juice is leftover from Undergrowth terraforming the whole city. Plants that keep growing mouths full of fangs and strangling vines with thorns longer than her thumb despite her practically begging them to just be carrots, please. It's feeling a little too Little Shop of Horrors for comfort. She keeps emphasizing the strict no meat diet she's got them on, glad that her family's never had any interest in coming in here. You know. Just in case. Thing is though, her concern—so far, anyway—seems pretty unwarranted. Her garden seems happy enough on the perfectly healthy diet of perfectly normal plants. Sunshine, air, water, a good layer of compost. 

They just keep thanking her so feverishly for so little. It's—unsettling. A little bit awful. Maybe more than a little bit. Maybe this psychic connection thing goes two ways, and her garden is influencing her into—what? Feeling guilty? For what? They all seem so happy for the slightest bit of her attention. It doesn't seem like it'll occur to them all that they could ever ask her for more.

Maybe it's not healthy that she's thinking of her plants as thinking creatures instead of some kind of echo chamber for whatever Undergrowth did to her. The longer she lets this go on, the more the voices of her garden feel-sound like her own thoughts. And it's been going on for a while. Long enough that Danny and Tucker have noticed the uptick in her behavior, both commenting in their own ways that they're happy she's acting more like her old self again.

Yeah. Right. Nothing supernaturally weird going on with her at all, no sir-ee!

Still, for all that she can't stop her garden from going the plantae equivalent of full werewolf, she has managed to keep them organized. Well. Bit of seesaw on that. The overcrowding got sorted out by some aggressive behavior. Some very aggressive behavior. She's definitely had one nightmare already, reliving the gruesomely wet memory of having to bodily haul the thing that used to be her prized Venus flytrap off of the thing that used to be her kiwi vine. 

Point is, she has half the number of plants in her garden than she did two weeks ago, which—fine. It's not like she was planning on eating any of them anymore. She's not really—eating much, lately. She's been able to pass it off as no big deal around Danny and Tucker (never in a million years did she ever think she'd be grateful for the Box Ghost interrupting lunch so often, but here she is!), and she keeps reassuring her family that she's gotten into the habit of taking more of her meals in her greenhouse. The truth is she's been eating a lot of cereal and tripling her vitamin intake. Cereal hasn't betrayed her yet, but in a town like Amity Park that's no guarantee.

She knows it's a stopgap measure. Someone's going to find her out, or her garden's going to get ghostly enough for Danny to sense it, or someone will be stupid enough to walk in here and she might actually end up with some real life Audrey II bullshit.

"If any of you start singing, I won't be held accountable for my actions," she threatens one evening, brandishing a trowel. The garden makes a bunch of querying noises at her, tangling around her ankles like an alien's limited grasp of the concept of a pet cat. She's given up wearing leggings entirely, having thrown the last ruined pair away after her parents had gone to bed. She'd bought three pairs of jeans—black, of course—last Saturday when she braved the mall with Danny and Tucker. At least artfully torn jeans are fashionable enough that nobody but her mom is going to think anything odd about it.

"Never mind," she sighs, and gives in to the urge to scratch one of her plants along its spiny sepals. It purrs happily, and soon a whole group of waist-high plants that look like something right out of Poison Ivy's own evil lair are crooning at her for scritches. 

=

She ends up sneaking off on her own to PetSmart an hour before it closes, bailing on patrol for the sixth time since Undergrowth. There's definitely some line between crazy plant lady and weird dog mom she's pole vaulting over, but—whatever.

She buys a lot of dog toys. Her garden especially loves the tug-of-war ropes, but the bright green squeaky bone turned out to be an A+ impulse buy too.

=

It takes a while, and a lot of adjusting, and she still hasn't figured out an alternative long-term diet, but overall things settle. She finds a new balance. She basically sleeps well enough, and her grades are fine, and the ghost attacks don't get too left-field. Danny shoulders most of that anyway these days, more comfortable with his powers and the popularity boost saving the city gave Phantom with everybody. Used to be her and Tucker put in the same hours and effort as Danny—if you don't count the superpowers—but lately? They're better for cover stories and clean-up, which is fine with Sam while she sorts all this post-Undergrowth ghost-plant stuff out. Tucker's just happy he finishes out the semester with the same PDA he started it with.

Of course, all good things are temporary. She really ought to have this figured out by now.

It's a ghost attack that unravels it all, naturally. This one's a new face; some kind of unsettling, skitter-y combination hydra-centipede about the length of a limousine. Its six necks accordion though, and it spits acid. Both are nasty surprises Danny wasn't expecting, and he ends up getting tossed through the front pane of a mom-and-pop hardware store. He'll be fine, though she and Tucker both have to tamp down on their standard panicked 'oh shit our best friend would have absolutely just died if he were normal' reaction to go distract the ghost from going after a minivan. 

They circle around it, shouting nonsensical insults that it probably doesn't understand to get its attention, helped by a few firm blasts of some small ecto-guns they'd pilfered a while back. Only one shot actually gets a hit on something that isn't its purple exoskeleton; Tucker whoops loudly when it screeches in pain. Sam uses the precious seconds to circle around to the other side of the minivan to yank open the sliding door and start manhandling a group of elementary-aged kids in blue soccer uniforms out and into whatever shop is closest. The mom squawks affront until Sam hisses at her to hurry her ass up if she doesn't want to go the same way as the hatchback—thankfully empty—that had ended up wrapped around a telephone pole. That gets soccer mom moving, and they're both just clear of the van before she hears Tucker scream her name. 

She moves on an instinct honed by two years of fighting for her life; she shoves soccer mom hard and whirls around in time to see the roof of the minivan as it comes flipping right at her. "No—!" is all she has time for, throwing up her hands as bolts of neon green strike up in her periphery. The minivan crumples with a horrible shriek of metal and hangs, creakingly, not a foot above her head. She blinks in the sudden shadow, heart hammering in her throat. She expects to hear Danny's voice, either a dry quip or an earnest rush of concern, depending on how hard the hydrapede rattled him.

A nonplussed, "What the fuck," from Tucker is what she gets instead. 

She looks around. There's the familiar ghost-green glow, but it's not Danny's burning hands or headlight-bright eyes. Two thorny vines, thick as tree trunks, have punched through the concrete to catch the minivan before it could crush her.

(mother) she hears them yap at her happily.

Well, shit.

=

The fight wraps up without any other cars or business fronts getting destroyed. Danny makes good use of those ice powers, and in a matter of minutes Tucker's got the thing slurped up in one of the three Thermoses they've gotten in the habit of having on hand, just in case.

Then Danny and Tucker make matched crazy eyes at her and the modern art she accidentally made out of soccer mom's claim to fame.

"Not here," she tells them firmly. If soccer mom figures out there's a chance she could pin her totaled minivan on her—and her incredibly wealthy parents—they'll get stuck here all day. Tucker gets it before Danny does and makes a show of shoulder-checking him pointedly as he jogs off. Danny shuts his mouth and winks out of sight, leaving Sam to jog after Tucker. Which she will, just after she tries something first.

She glares at the two vines—standard curb weeds once upon ten minutes, more than likely—and thinks at them very hard. Thank you, much appreciated, stop calling me mother, go away.

She gets some kind of bizarre-o feedback that feels like chewing on gum with the wrapper still on, and also like skinned knees, but in her brain? Ugh. With a reluctance that shouldn't be so obvious from a couple of plants, the two vines sort of... shrink? Melt? Reverse-grow back into two perfectly normal bits of scruffy green in a totally wrecked stretch of sidewalk.

Good enough! Better than she expected, really! 

Soccer mom starts babbling something very loud about her car, which is Sam's cue to run for the hills. She does so, dreading the conversation she's about to have with her best friends, but also... kind of excited for the next ghost attack?

If she has to deal with having creepy psychic monster plant-making powers, she may as well get some mileage out of them. Right?

[benichi]

I played Chou no Doku (so you don’t have to) - Mizuhito’s Route Part 3

I had planned for this to be the last part but I can’t cut everything down as much as I wanted to so the suffering shall end not just yet. Since I took such a long break I actually had to replay the latter half of the game cause my brain has rejected most of those memories to save at least a bit of the sanity I have left lol. But I promised to do this and I’m commited to see it through! I am the top Chou no Doku blog after all 😂 Also SPOILER warning. I put it under the read more last time but since it’s a thing they talk about constantly now I can’t do that anymore.

When we left off the last time Majima and Yuriko were having a ... sensual? moment in the garden with some vegetables. Apparently their... activities left her feeling invigorated.

After coming to the conclusing that that the vegetables made her feel alive (and definitely not the BJ instructions Majima gave her on a cucumber) Yuriko retreats to her room. While thinking about her brother she’s interrupted by a visitor: and who else could it be but Shiba. Mizuhito has also come to entertain said man (or rather to mark his territory) As usual the two men end up bickering like 5 year olds as Mizuhito tries to display how poor the family is doing in order to ward Shiba off. Since Yuriko tries to smooth things over at least a little bit her “brother” decides to run off to a Brothel once again.

Yuriko is irritated since he’s about to break his promise and ends up chasing him down. As I said this is like watching a bunch of children squabble.

If only it were just siblings being dramatic.

Here’s where the magic happens. Yuriko spends paragraphs explaining that her brother is still her family - even if they’re not related by blood and so on.

Can’t I just become a single old cat lady

I love how she calls him Brother in the same sentence that’s supposed to sell me that she loves him romantically.

But one choice later she’s all over him and saying stuff like “I’ve finally caught him” I mean wtf girl you promoted him from family to Lover in under a minute. So they end up huddling close together and Yuriko once again has her “mmm gotta talk about smell” moment. I think this gives us a pretty good idea what the sax scenes in the original are like lol.

Shiba eventually stumbles upon them and is obviously not happy with what he’s seeing. He parts ways with Yuriko by whispering into her ear that this Brother of hers is her biggest flaw. I mean he’s dishing out the truth, let the man talk.

I felt that.

I’m gonna puke. Cue gross moment of “Ohhh I’m a bad big brother because I want to kiss my little sister” “Noo we can’t to that Onii-chan” “Aww let’s at least try to see if we feel ~g u i l t y~” like my dude wtf. Honestly this scene was gross imo because he totally coaxed her into this and she just kind of convinces herself that kissing him is so  a w e s o m e despite initially being totally against it like yikes.

WELL MAYBE CAUSE YOU LIVED AS SIBLINGS FOR  Y E A R S

Voila, I told you.

Despite what one may think he doesn’t want to draw her nude yet. Since he makes such a big deal out of her being his ~innocent~ little sister Yuriko survived this encounter with her innocence still intact.

On the next day their Grandma pays them a visit to assess the current situation. Obviously the 1. solution to every problem in this game is either murder or getting hitched to someone that’s wealthy. Grandma proposes the latter.

They can’t decline her proposals immediately to avoid suspicion but to the two of them it’s clear that they want to keep their “relationship” going. Or maybe it’s not so clear because Mizuhito starts acting like a jelly 5 year old again.

Maybe it would help if you stopped calling him Brother with every breath you take.

Afterwards Yuriko models for him, but Mizuhito soon becomes distracted because he knows that even if they reject the current marriage proposals there will always be new ones incoming. He says that it will ~break him if Yuriko were to marry another Man (my dude let me tell you: you were just fine in the other routes I’ve played so far).

This shit so stupid even the game can’t take all of it.

A few days later Kyoko invites the two for dinner at her house. When Mizuhito leaves the room for a bit and after Yuriko whines about that:

Seriously why does everyone here have the mind of a child.

Kyoko takes the chance to tell Yuriko about the Geisha that her ... Brother... Lover?! what do I even call these two lol. The one her BroLover had been visiting frequently. Apparently she still posseses something that belong to Mizuhito and Kyoko wants to (find out if Yuriko and Mizuhito are facking) figure out how to relay this information to him. Obviously Yuriko with her 5 year old mind doesn’t want her lover visiting the Geisha so she asks Kyoko to keep it a secret.

On the way home we are subjected to another make out scene because Mizuhito got h*rny from Yuriko’s gaze. This scene is more “intense” to tell us that the frick frack is coming up soon but not quite yet.

If I took a shot every time she says Brother or Family then maybe I wouldn’t have to suffer like this.

I don’t know about you but I certainly don’t exchange gentle kisses with my older Brother.

After calming his raging... emotions Mizuhito says that they shouldn’t go too far since he thinks of Yuriko as special. Yuriko however feels “betrayed” by this like heavens forbid he didn’t rip her clothes off and bonk her in a dark dirty alleyway. How dare he.

In order to prevent Mizuhito from potentially bonking that Geisha who still has one of his “things” in a dark dirty alleyway instead Yuriko concludes that sending someone else to visit the Brothel is a great idea. She decides to ask Majima, her first love in case you forgot, and goes to visit him. When Mizuhito questions where she’s going in the middle of the night she comes up with the most convincing excuse ever:

Marvelous.

We’ll leave things here for now. So how will Yuriko’s first love react to this odd request? And how does this clusterfuck of a story end? You’ll find out in the (this time for real) final next part!

(The last part will definitely be up before Thursday cause I’ll be focused on Collar x Malice Unlimited then)

[spacegaywritings]

Chapter 3: Coming home -  The Communication of Silence

Summary: Patton meets Virgil. The three talk a bit. Can he really stay with Logan? chap 1 link: ao3 link *clicky*

masterlist (contains all stories and updates including ao3/tumblr links and summaries!) story under the cut!!

"Logie? '', someone called. The voice sounded familiar, warm and like pure sun in his heart. The nickname for Logan almost made him laugh. Almost.

Instead, Virgil felt his heart leap and he promptly pushed himself into Logan's side instead of just standing next to him. A person. A voice? Voices belonged to people and Logan has mentioned two roommate before but Virgil felt and looked like shit with his edgy make up all over his cheeks and his arms cut and bandaged up. He was basically a spider in a frying pan. On a turned on stove.

A warm arm put itself around him and the light turned on. He just hid his face in Logan's chest and the other didn't seem to mind his ridiculous attempts at hiding, his childish reaction to a new person.

Logan was like one of these friendly giants you'd see in films. Silent, calm, a real anchor. When everything raged around him, he was still reserved and reacted appropriately.

Maybe Virgil liked him so much because Logan seemed predictable and didn't react impulsively and directly like he did. He didn't snap and got stupidly emotional over simple things. Logan was just a calm silence, the breeze everyone felt tickled yet comforted by during a warm spring day outside.

Virgil on the other hand was just an anxiety cucumber and while he tried to make amendments and rationalise his fears and worries, he couldn't help but realise that his panic got the best of him. After all, he was right here in Logan's apartment and already messed up with his exaggerated reactions just because of some sound, just because of some person.

The voice even sounded nice.

Well, but Virgil wasn't ruled by reason, the voice telling him to get to know and befriend this person who sounded like a great summer day at a pool. He didn't like those anyway.

A voice in his mind wondered whether the voice and Logan dated but just as this ludicrous thought crossed his mind like some suicidal cat speeding over a busy street, the voice got a physical vessel.

He was too shocked to look away. His head smushed onto Logan's chest but face still directed towards the source of sound.

Another giant - even taller than Logan but probably not by too much - rose from a nearby couch, rubbing his eyes as he approached Logan.

Virgil flinched away just in time before Logan was engulfed in an actual hug by the tall ginger man with the funny freckles strewn all over his face. Like a galaxy of darker, slightly brownish spots, the bigger giant's face was just littered in the endearing marks and even his hands seemed covered in them.

Honestly, Virgil couldn't tell much about the new person. He seemed to like Logan, have a nickname for him and it gave him a sting even though he sounded and looked very warm and nice. Maybe it was the copper hair that made him appear warm like a fire to heat up your room.

But what he could tell that the giant seemed to tired and unprepared for the sudden nap he seemed to have taken on the couch. His pastel blue sweater was wrinkled and slightly off. It was too big and hanged a little from his strong build.

Well, the Microsoft nerd next to him had a more intimidating pack of shoulders so that was sort of comforting but just because he felt less likely to be be crushed, didn't mean he was all at once comforted.

That was his first thought, however.

"Logiebear, I was so worried! You didn't come to dinner and I thought you might have been hurt or something and I was really really concerned about you!", the warm voice expressed.

This time it was evident that it had an accent but Virgil could not quite place it. Every word just sounded so well-carved out when it was pronounced and it was almost too clear when listening to him but also sort of fuzzy. Maybe because it was muffled. The 'r's were prominent and it somewhat reminded him of jokes about Irish accents but that was not the same. It was also much lighter but he noticed it anyway. Hypervigilance? Well, he did not know about any of this but he knew it still sounded warm yet seemed to edge on slightly uncomfortable screeching and little sniffles - covering a sunny day like grey clouds hanging in the way of the warming sun rays.

Virgil glanced over at the other as he hugged himself now. The comfort of Logan's warmth was gone after all and his space by his side was taken by.. This guy. Ginger giant. He didn't have a name yet after all.

But it wasn't as if he had any special right to be this close to the Logan anyway. They were mostly work buddies and sometimes took lunch together and and.. It was just stupid that his silly dependency already started showing because Logan was nice to me him for, like, five minutes.

Okay, it was much more than that and he knew it. Logan knew it too. But he was still much too attached. Therapy should have taught him better by now.

He didn't have any claims on Logan and just hugging had been ridiculous enough. He still couldn't believe the precious night after all. It was like a dream for him and part of him was convinced that it had never happened.

''Patton, please calm down'', Logan eventually said as he patted his friend, ''Nothing happened and I am just fine. I promise.''

Huh, funny name. Again, this sounded familiar. He probably had read it somewhere. But the name itself not

Logan now had too sensitive people to take care of and Virgil felt passively drained in his place. Or maybe it was just the few hours of sleep and all the changes he was running on but he was quite sure that the Logan was quite used to comforting others. Judging from how he always took care of him. It really was embarrassing just how much attention and care he often needed. It was even worse whenever he considered that he was already in recovery and used to be much more of a mess.

''Apologies for worrying you, Patton, but you must see that I am a grown man - despite being a little younger than you. I appreciate your care, nonetheless but talked about this'', he spoke softly and his tone edged on something close to fragility before he sighed. ''How come you did not notify me?''

This guy,.. Patton, the ginger giant, let go off Logan in favour of looking at him and his teary face was now resembling the look of a scolding parent, if Virgil had anything to go by. it seemed like the caring look of soft parents as shown in the media. As if someone like that actually existed.

''Logie, you really tell me to text or call you when I already left numerous messages on your voice mail and phone in general! You never responded to me and I called you about seven times, Mister Techie!''

Awkward.

For a moment, not even Logan could respond because he now realised just how much misery he had put Patton into and he carefully drew him into a short yet sweet hug. The way Logan held the taller man reminded Virgil of siblings that stood by each other through everything life would shoot at them.

He quickly averted his gaze but after a few moment of Patton relishing in the hug and burying his nose in Logan's neck, he looked up and actually spotted the little visitor. The giant had barely ever seen someone so short - not anyone their age, not a guy, really.

Curiosity filled the glass green eyes behind his obvious glasses and he let go off Logan, some sort of enthusiasm and mystery around him that Virgil felt as if he had been pulled into a major conspiracy. A smile spread across Patton's face and the giant was quick to push his pastel sleeve-covered hands into his face to wipe away the salty liquid coating his freckles. His eyes ate up the view of Virgil before him and the little punk just slouched. It almost looked like he was trying to disappear while Patton seemed to analyse every bit of his appearance.

He was the new test object to be observed under a precise microscope.

Logan's roommate let go off the younger student and turned towards Virgil while Logan stepped a little closer to the latter to stand between them and Virgil just took it as an invitation to shakily step closer to the librarian as if he could make the whole process of Patton mustering stop.

Patton's eyes did their best to catch every detail as quick as possible and Virgil could not stand it even one bit. He was still the cooking spider and the pan beneath him was seething hot. He was close to burning. His piercings in his lips seemed to glow in heat, his tongue however, was safe for as long as he would shut up (which would probably for another day or two around Patton. After all, he could not even bring himself up to even make a sound in his throat, yet alone produce sensible syllables). His purple hair with the blue tips were exposed. If it had only been raining, the punk could have hid the side cut with his hood or he could have pulled some hair from one side to the other to cover up the shaved off spot around his ear area. Oh, his ears were out on the open for everyone to see and he could basically hear Patton judging him for the self-made lobe and helix piercing holes and jewellery that featured his hearing organs to the sides of his face. His clothing was ripped and soggy since it was just some regular things and nothing fancy when wanting to meet new people or impress anyone. Virgil just knew he had fucked up and embarrassed himself and Logan enough to be a former friend and just be klicke out already. He briefly wondered why he hadn't stayed in this hellhole for just some more months. The next year would be the end of his contract and he already knew where to live next but it wasn't ready yet and and.. This was all too much

And it still didn't end there. His eyes were surrounded by smudged black makeup and his whole posture was just as ruined as the rest of his appearance.

Virgil casted his honey brown eyes down to the floor and just look at his shoes - wrecked and dirty from running. They were sports shoes after all. Even that looked just poor and horrible.

Honestly, Virgil felt like some abandoned and neglected dirty kid before his scolding dad.

But if he had looked up, he would have seen the look of sweet warmth in Patton's soft green eyes and he would have noticed how his eyes started becoming more glossy as he saw that Virgil seemed to be just exhausted and done and -

"Hey, I will make us some tea. Do you want some breakfast? You must be Virgil and I'm happy to meet you but you look like you need a little time to relax a bit. So, how does lemon tea sound to you ?"

Virgil blinked in surprise. Did the ginger gi- Patton, his name was Patton, talk to him? Was he serious? The punk was awestruck and tried to say yes but his throat stayed blocked and unwilling to produce any sound so he simply opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish when looking back at its owner. His face looked probably just as clueless.

He was quick to raise his left and make a motion as if throwing a kiss at Patton as he brought his hand to his chin and moved his hand forward while his wrist stayed in place.

"You're welcome, my dear! Logan's friends are my friends too so you can always come by, okay?"

Another nod and the two went to the little kitchen nearby. It was a little corner in the living room wince both rooms didn't have a full barrier to separate them. It made rent a bit cheaper and gave Patton a more welcomed feeling to their home.

Logan looked between the two and the gears in his Brian were working. He had never seen Virgil nonverbal and he had never see him interact with other people outside work or similar settings (such as ordering a meal for lunch). His mind made a note to ask them about this but considering what he had learned from talking to Patton and studying with him, he assumed that Virgil went nonverbal. Again, like the panic and anxiety attacks, Virgil seemed to do that more than just once in a life time but often enough go acocmodate. Or was there another reason he knew sign language? Maybe he just knew the basics.

The blonde giant quickly went to his room to retrieve paper and pens so Virgil could communicate with them. Or, him, really. It just made Logan realise how little he knew about Virgil. He at least knew about Patton learning some sign language for his future profession as a therapist but he didn't know it himself.

Maybe he should learn it. It was always good to expand his horizon and he would have two people he could communicate and practice with. Sounded great.

When he returned, Virgil was wildly signing with his two hands. Honestly, this was even more of a surprise. After nine nine months of working together, he had barely glanced at Virgil's right to understand why he wore bulky clothing and hid away his body and especially let his fingers be sucked in by these endless sleeves he usually immersed his body in. Virgil was just avoiding weird looks he'd get for having less than the ideal ten fingers.

It was sollte unusual to see him.. So excited about talking to a stranger. His gaze flickered to Patton who placed three cups on the table.

No coffee. Patton was such a dad.

Logan sat down with them and carefully pushed the pens and papers to Virgil.

"I do see how you two communicate but I must admit, sign language is not one of my skills."

Patton chuckled and shook his head and the purple haired emo just offered a smile and a dismissive wave. Well, Logan underdtood this.

He wasn't the most understanding person in terms of reading other people and reacting accordingly but he got used to Virgil's reactions and - after several questions - he had finally learned at least some about his body language. At least he had some objective knowledge about people and their behaviours but individuals were so different, it go hard. Especially when people just talked more than anything.

But Virgil had always been more the person to act rather than speak empty words and so far he had gotten along with that but.. But right now he needed real answer, verbal answers. He couldn't trust his mind to piece together the way Virgil's eyebrows would furrow together or how his feathery fine facial features would ease up or derail upon hearing certain words and sentences.

"Aw! But Logan, I could have translated for you, don't worry", Patton protested, yet the wrinkles around his eyes and his lips curling into a smile undermined the strict tone he tried to come up with. "I made you tea. Too much caffaine is bad for you."

Virgil watched the exchange as Logan pulled one of the tea mugs close - something with honey, if he could judge it from the smell - while Patton started sipping his own chamomile tea.

"And yet, we both know I will consume about one can by noon"

Virgil shook his head and let it an amused squeak but apart from that, the roommates could only hear him inhale air in unusual, almost unnatural intervals. It was different from usual breathing but it was clearly sucked in by his lungs in breaks between his soundless giggles.

"Logie, are you planning on drinking coffee when I'm asleep?"

Patton looked offended but the mischievous grin and the boiling joy within him was obvious enough. He looked as if he was about to break down cackling and his snowflake white skin seemed to light up with his freckles nearly glowing in delight.

But Logan looked just like that but in his own version. His mouth seemed broadened and he tilted his head, about to hide his white teeth and shining smile by facing only the table below his forearms.

"Maybe "

Virgil could hear him laugh inside and it made him smile in return as he scribbled down something with the pen and paper provided to him.

>>Who talked about coffee? Green and black tea have caffaine too<<

Logan nodded in agreement, his lips wavy as he tried to fight down his bright smile. Patton simply let out an offended mock huff.

"You're already conspiring against me, kiddos. I am so disappointed."

Patton giggled and hugged himself in his oversized pastel sweater, the colour emphasising his glass shred irises.

"Patton, you should go to sleep. I am assuming you stayed up all night waiting for me to return", Logan recommended and Virgil started scribbling down some good Uhr wishes in turn.

"Aw, stop calling your dad out"

"You're not my dad"

"But Patton, I - um", he started but shook Hof head, "let me rephrase that. I would like us to host Virgil for a while. Could we arrange that? I think it is a decision we should all know about. We are roommates after all."

Patton titled his head and Virgil froze, curling in on himself and bringing his feet up to the chair so he could hug his slender knees to his chest.

" OH, but Logie, why didn't yiz say so sooner? ", Patton piped up with a happy smile and got up.

Why???

Virgil didn't know but Patton sounded so cheery, it sounded threatening in his mind, he couldn't help but feel himself shiver. It made Patton stop charging towards him.

" Kiddo, can I hug you for a welcome?"

Virgil froze and looked up at him, his smudged black looking ready to wander further down his cheeks in cascaded of panicked tears. He could taste the anxiety and it pushed his tongue into a cage.

Did.. Did he really want to hug him?

The punk looked at Logan who seemed.. Calm. He seemed calm enough to even calm Virgil's nerves and he let out a shaky breath and slowly lowered his trembling legs before standing up as expected.

When he was actually met with a warmth surrounding him and the sweet smell of laughter and biscuits, Virgil choked down a sob and held onto him. This wasn't the time to cry but the time to relish in the acceptance of another person.

And he barely knew Patton. Yet between Logan, Patton and Virgil, there was already a familiar and nearly familial warmth that embraced them as if they were meant to be together in this constellation.

But he knew he'd enjoy living with him and being around him and Logan.

Still, at the same time he couldn't help but feel strange and unreal about being so welcomed in this sacred asylum.

... As if something in the world was against his peace.

[60b3r]

Memes Kill Creativity?

Memes vs. Genes

In the 1976 book The Selfish Gene, Richard Dawkins coined the term 'meme' to describe something with symbolic meaning that spreads by imitation from person to person within a culture. This idea is an analogue to the nature of selfish gene, described similarly as a piece of genetic material possessing information required to be able to replicate themselves inside a living. The only key difference in both terms is that the gene is natural, while memes are artificial. The rest of memes' operating schemes completely mimic the genes perfectly. In our current timeline, memes as we know today are taking many forms: as image macros, short videos, and rick-rollicking music. Memes in imageboards and forums have been pushing internet porn traffic into a stalemate and putting our power grid into unnecessary burden. Of course, memes are not to be regretted, but otherwise need to be taken seriously, since they are able to put our current understanding of media industry and economic system into shame.

As with every other thing that have existed, memes are not exempt in its dualistic nature. If you ever venture to the depths of dark web, you may know that memes also took part in the infamous mimetic Tumblr-4chan War. Not only that, some memes are reportedly causing harm towards some users, even though it is often disguised or said to be a dank joke or mere sarcasm. Memes have seen its share of use in online bullying, mass shootings, and hate crimes, cowering behind the freedom of expression tag. Regardless, memes are also an extremely effective form of information transmission. Like all living systems with no set moral standards, memes do evolve and are subject to natural selection. Memes, like genes, actually work like a mindless machine. Again, this is eerily like the performance of DNA in living systems. The last thing we want from this thing is virulence.

Every day, something went viral on Twitter. Hashtags are flaring into the top trends, some videos are being watched billions of times, and another cat vs. cucumber pic garnered thousands of likes. Viral properties of a virus (duh) is defined as the capability to multiply quickly in relatively short amount of time. The term saw a huge increase in usage during the dawn of the internet age and the rise of computer malwares spread through unsecured ports of network protocol. This term is being applied to memes, as it is like a virus (which is a pure embodiment of a selfish gene). Now, a lot of people are utilizing memes to create art, because it enables them to cater the short-attention spans of current internet users. They create shorts, illustrations, inside jokes, and small comic strips. Some of you might not agree with me on this one, but stay with me now and I will explain to you why I would like to treat memes and art as a single unit of interest in this argument.

The dawn of meme-technology

Viral memes and their popularity are now often considered important in defining a time period in the internet culture. Now every netizen can somewhat distinguish the approximate age, sex, and political views of other users from the usage of rage comics, meme songs, and meme platforms they use. Intuitively we can make a generalized difference between the userbase of Reddit, 4chan, 9gag, Vine, and now Tiktok. Others, by the share of relatability with sub-genres of different areas of interest (film memes and game memes). Some others, even, in the perspectives of different social and economic class system (first world problems and third world success memes). Meme preferences to us netizens are ironically giving away our anonymous identity. Identity which the media companies are vying to get their hands on. That's where I would like to come into my opening argument: both memes and genes which originally possesses no intrinsic value, suddenly become a subject of value with technology.

How do we draw the logic, I say? The ones and zeros inside electrical systems are value-free, so does DNA in living cells. As we meddle ourselves with biotechnology to manipulate genetic material for profit, we also simmer ourselves in the computer sciences and tweak physical computation to perform better. We give value in the inanimate object by manipulating them. In our world, we often heard these expressions: that communication is key, sometimes silence is golden, and those who control the information wields the power. What’s these three statements have in common? Yes, information and expression. Memes are the simplest form of both. This is the beginning of the logic: memes are no longer in and on itself independent of external values. The infusion of utilitarian properties in memes as artificial constructs are seemingly inevitable, and for the better or worse shapes our current society.

We might have heard that somewhere somehow, the so called ‘global elites’ with their power and wealth are constantly controlling biotech research and information technology—or, in the contrary, they control these knowledge and resources to keep shovelling money and consolidate their power. Memes are one of their tools to ‘steer’ the world according to their 'progressive agenda', seemingly driving the world ‘forward’ towards innovation and openness. Nah, I am just joking. But, stay with me now. It is actually not them (the so-called global elites) who you should be worried about. It is us—you and I, ourselves—and our own way of unwittingly enjoying memes that are both toxic and fuelling the age-old capitalism. Funny, isn't it? We blame society, but we are society. But how are be becoming the culprits yet also be the prey at the same time?

Middle-class artists are hurt

Now, aggressive marketing tactics using memes are soaring. Media companies are no doubt cashing in the internet and viral memes to their own benefit. Streaming and cataloguing are putting up a good fight compared to their retail, classic ways of content delivery. This is quite true with the strategies of Spotify and YouTube, other media companies alike. They can secure rights to provide high-quality content from big time artists and filmmakers and target these works directly to the end consumer, effectively cutting the cost of distribution which usually goes to the several layers of distribution line like vinyl products, radio contracts, and Blu-ray DVDs. I believe this is good, since it is like an affirmative action for amateur artists to start a career in the art industry. Or is it? Does it really encourage small-time artists to begin? Yes. How about the middle-class artists? Not necessarily.

You might sometimes wonder, “how the hell did I get somewhere just by following the trending or hot section in the feed?”. This toxicity of memes often brings some bad things to our tables. Social media algorithms handle contents (like viral memes) by putting those with high views or likes to the front page, effectively ‘promoting’ the already popular post and creating a positive feedback cycle. By doing so, they could capitalize on ad profits on just few ‘quality’ contents over huge amounts of audience in a very short amount of time. The problem is most of the time, these ‘quality’ contents have no quality at all. They just happen to possess the correct formula to be viral, with the correct SEO keywords and click-bait titles with no real leverage in the art movement. This way, I often find both the talented and the lucky—of which the boundaries between them are always blurred—overshadow the aspiring ‘middle-class’ artists who work hard to perfect their craft.

If you are already a famous guitarist with large fanbase, lucky you, you are almost guaranteed to top the billboards. What, you have no skills? Post a video of you playing ‘air guitar’ and… affirmative actions to the rescue. Keep on riding the hype wave and suddenly you get to top trending with minimal effort, thanks to your weird haircut. Those haters will surely make a meme out of your silly haircut, not even your non-existent guitar skills. But still, hype is still a hype, and there’s no such thing as a bad publication. This also answers why simple account who reposts other people’s content could get much more followers than the hard-working creators. Not only being outperformed by the already famous artists taking social media by storm, now the ‘middle-class’ artists are also dealing with widespread content theft and repost accounts because of the unfair, bot grading system. It is unimaginable how many nobodies got the spotlight they don’t deserve just because they look or act stupid and the whole internet cheers around them. Remember, this is not always about the artist, but also the quality of the art itself. I believe a good art should be meaningful to the beholder.

Why capitalism kills creativity

The problem in current art industry is that we are feeling exhausted with the same, generic, and recycled stuff. We indeed already see there’s less discourse about art now. Sure, the problem lies not in the artist or medium, but is in the viewers—the consumer of the art form—and how the capitalist system reacts to it. The hyper efficient capitalist system doesn’t want to waste any more time and money trying to figure out what’s new or what’s next for you. What we love to see, what is familiar to us, the market delivers them. The rise of viral memes phenomenon in the social media pushes the market system to the point where they demand artists to create the same, redundant, easy art form. Listen to some of The Chainsmokers’ work and we'll see what music have become: the identical 4-chord progression, the same drop, the predictable riser, and the absence of meaningful lyrics. We sat down and watch over the same superhero movies trying hard to be the next Marvel blockbuster. The production companies are also happy not to pay writers extra to come up with new ideas and instead settle with borrowed old scripts from decades old TV drama. Disney's The Lion King and its heavy use of the earlier Japanese Kimba The White Lion storyline is one guilty example.

Despite it initially being an economic system and not a political ideology, it is untrue that many Marxist philosophers usher the suppression of art. While it is ironic that Stalinist policy intends to curb ‘counter-revolutionaries’—in this case his enemies—by limiting freedom of press and media; American propaganda added further so that it seems that the ideology is also limiting art and kill creativity. We all know the Red Scare in the U.S. during the Cold War saw a popular narrative of communism and socialism that is devoid of freedom of expression. This state propaganda then further become ‘dehumanization’ and make freedom of expression invalid under the guise of equality. Marx argue that total equality is not possible, and the uniqueness is being celebrated by having them doing what they do best and provide the best for their community. Thus, an individual's interests should be indistinguishable from the society's interest. Freedom is granted when the whole society is likely to benefit from an action. According to Mao in his Little Red Book, freedom of expression in art and literature, after all, is what initially drive the class consciousness. It is capitalism, not communism, that kills creativity.

If left unchecked, the threat of this feedback loop is going to cause a lack of diversity, resulting in stale content, less art critique, and overall decline in our artistic senses. Artists’ creativity that are supposedly protected by the free internet are destroyed within itself through the sheer overuse of viral memes. Capitalism has successfully turned the supposedly open, free-for-all, value-free platform that is the internet against the people into a media in which they are undeniably shaping new values on its own: the art culture that's not geared towards aesthetics and appreciation, but towards more views and personalized clicks. How social media and media industry caters to the demands of the consumer are, in Marx's own words, “digging its own grave”.

Spare nothing, not even the nostalgia

Well, people romanticize the oldies. The good old days, when everything is seen as better and easier. Look at the new art installations that uses the aesthetics of naughty 90s graphic design to become new, the posters released in this decade but with an art deco of the egregious 80s pop artist Andy Warhol, or the special agent-spy movies set frozen in the Nifty Fifties. Nostalgia offers us a way to escape from the hectic choices of our contemporary: different genres of music, dozens of movies to watch, and different fashion to consider. We choose to settle with our old habits, that we know just works. Remember how do we throw our money on sequels and reboots and remakes of old movies we used to watch during our younger days? We don’t even care about new releases at the cinema! Did you remember how Transformers 2 and their subsequent sequels perform at the box office at their opening week?

The huge sales of figurines and toys of Star Wars franchise—if we could scrutinize them enough—came from the old loyal fanbase of the late Lucasfilm series, not primarily from new viewers. Then suddenly, surprise-surprise. Our love for an old franchise deemed dead enough to be remembered and treasure soon must be destroyed to pave way for three new outrageous sequels (the ones with Kylo Ren and Snoke) by the grace of our beloved capitalism. Sadly, nothing is left untouched by the capitalism’s unforgiving corruption. Nostalgia has become a gimmick that makes people like some art more than they should, because it’s familiar. It is another way of squeezing your pocket dry.

Not that it is bad to make derivatives like covers or remixes, but the trade-offs are far too high. Consequentially, the number of original arts is now very little, because artists don’t bother making new stuff if they just aim for a quick buck. Most of the young adult novels are essentially the same lazy story progression with only different time setting and different character names. Most of them even have the same ending! No more a beautiful journey like the thrillers of Dan Brown or the epic adventures of Tolkien’s Lord of The Rings, which defines their respective times. Do we seriously want to consider Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey as a unique work? Isn’t the Hunger Games and the Maze Runner essentially the same?

If you play video games, you must have known that the trend always starts over. Game developers are making gazillions of sequels, and only a few of them that are actually good. Most are outright trash. Oh, wait, old video games like Homeworld are also getting remasters to cater the demand of nostalgic consumers. No new Command and Conquer release from EA Games? Re-release the 25 years old Red Alert because people will re-buy it! Profit!

15 June 2020 8.03 PM

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

All Those Things They Couldn’t Say - A Runaway Baudelaires AU

{ao3} {tumblr} {masterlist}

Chapter Fourteen - An Incident at the Marketplace

Violet was very quiet for the next several days with Josephine. The kids didn’t have much to do that didn’t involve giving Josephine a heart attack, so they mostly just sat around in her library. Klaus tried desperately to find the grammar books interesting, while Josephine tried to teach grammar and English to Sunny, who instead found hardcovers to bite on. Violet, meanwhile, had taken out her own commonplace book, and kept either scribbling furiously or doodling, with her ribbon keeping her hair back. She wouldn’t let Klaus see what she wrote, but she would show him and Sunny her drawings- usually blueprints for another invention, or a sketch of something nearby, like a book or Sunny asleep on the table. A few times she drew the sea, and she always got a distant look in her eyes as she did. 

Every now and again, they’d ask Josephine how she knew their parents, or about Ike, or if they could please show her how the oven worked, but she always changed the topic, so they eventually gave up. 

Finally, one day, Klaus asked about Lake Lachrymose, and Josephine’s eyes did the same thing as Violet’s, where she looked like she’d fallen into a distant, but fond, memory. 

“Oh, I grew up on these shores, you know.” Josephine said. “I know every cave and curve, from the Lavender Lighthouse, above Curdled Cave, to the edge of the Fickle Ferry’s route.” 

“Could we go swimming?” Violet asked, as she bounced Sunny on her knee. “I’d love to skip rocks again, and-” 

“Oh, no.” Josephine shook her head. “No, I can’t go near the lake now. I can only bear to view it from this window.” 

The Baudelaires shot each other tired looks. Klaus said, “I know lakes and similarly deep-water locations can be dangerous, but if you know it so well-” 

“Oh, it’s not that.” Josephine said. Then, she leaned over and whispered, “It’s the leeches.” 

“The… what?” Klaus asked. 

“The Lachrymose Leeches.” Josephine shivered. “They’re quite different from normal leeches, you see- these leeches live only in Lachrymose Lake, and they will eat anything that even remotely smells of food. You have to wait one hour after eating to go swimming or they will swarm and-” she cut herself off, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. “I’m sorry, children. It’s not grammatically correct to end a sentence with ‘and.’ But I just get very emotional-” 

“That’s how Ike died?” Klaus asked. “Leeches?” 

Josephine jumped, and Violet hit him on the shoulder. 

That night, Violet signalled for Klaus to stay awake. They sat on the other side of her bed, with Sunny sitting on Violet’s lap and biting the handle of a knife, and Violet said, “I need your help with something. I was hoping to wait until Josephine was out of the house, but the dumb bitch never seems to leave.” 

“What’s going on?” Klaus asked nervously. 

“Josephine’s got a safe hidden in her library.” Violet said simply. Klaus didn’t even react; they expected secrets everywhere. “I’ve been hoping you could help me crack the code. I could invent something to bust it open, but that’d make noise and leave damage and Josephine would know.” 

“What’s the combination like?” 

“Dial. I think four numbers.” 

Klaus considered. “It has to be something she’d remember. But she doesn’t seem too into numbers, just words.” 

“We could use the A1Z26 cipher.” Violet said. “But it’d have to be a short word, especially if one of the letters is past i-9, which would make it two numbers.” 

“What does she like?” Klaus narrowed his eyes. “Grammar.” 

“Cold soup.” 

“Not telling us anything.” 

Sunny looked up, stopping her biting for a moment, and said, “Ike.” 

Violet and Klaus looked at each other, and then smiled a little. “Good work, Sunny.” Violet said. “Let’s go.” 

They got up, racing to the library. Violet opened the trick bookshelf quickly, and Klaus knelt by the safe, muttering the numbers for I-K-E. Once he got it, he turned the handle, and the safe clicked open. 

“Easy enough.” Klaus said. 

“See,” Violet joked, reaching into the safe, “This is why I keep you around.” She pulled out a file, which she flipped open. “Hmm. Photos of her not being a scaredy-cat.” Like in the scrapbook. 

“Is she jumping out of a plane?” 

“For fun.” Violet nodded. “Yeah, she did used to be interesting. What else is in there?” 

Klaus looked in. “Sheet music. Box of crackers. This book-thing- oh, hey.” 

He pulled out the book, and showed it off to Violet. The title, spelled out very clearly on the large, dark cover, was The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. 

“Okay. So,” Violet pulled Sunny onto her lap, and said, “Is this a good or bad thing?” 

“Means she’s in VFD.” 

“But she hid it away. Meaning she’s trying to get out.” 

“Not good for us, considering what happened when Mother and Father tried to leave.” 

“Whazzit?” Sunny asked, confused. 

“But it means we’re safe from ankle-snatching bastards.” Violet shrugged. “Listen, if she’s hiding this shit away,” she held up the file, waving it a bit, “It means she doesn’t want to think about her past. We’re safe for the time being. Eventually Mother and Father will get here and then we don’t have to talk to her again.” 

Klaus sighed, and then said, “I guess.” 

“Well,” Violet groaned, standing up and lifting Sunny with her, “Let’s get back to bed. Aunt Jo said we’re hurricane shopping tomorrow, so maybe we can convince her to get hot food.” 

“Not gonna happen.” 

“Then we’ll swipe some when she’s not looking and make it ourselves. No biggie. And you, Sunshine, should be asleep.” 

Sunny huffed. “Ekaw,” she said, which meant, “But you’re awake.” 

“Yeah, but I’m old enough to make bad life decisions. Sleep time.” 

The next morning, at the market, Violet and Klaus tried to stick by Aunt Josephine, but she seemed scared of practically everything in the town. It was good that the lakeside was basically empty, or they’d worry about making a scene and attracting unwanted attention. Klaus held Sunny in his arms instead of in his bag, letting her point towards food she wanted- and, when Josephine wasn’t looking, letting her grab something to stuff into his pocket. 

Violet kept untying and retying her ribbon in her hair, both bored by the market they had to walk through so slowly and too stimulated by how many aisles of carts they walked past, all with different smells and vendors shouting what they were selling and bright signs and even some which had other, loud noises. Sunny and Klaus were too focused on grabbing what they wanted without paying, like they normally did, that they weren’t noticing how loud everything seemed to be. 

“Josephine,” Violet muttered, shoving her ribbon into her pocket and turning back to their current guardian, “Perhaps we could get something to cook for you. Klaus and I know how to make several very quick meals, and as fast as they are, it’s hard to mess them up.” 

“Oh, no, no.” Josephine shook her head. “I’m eager to try this recipe for cold lime stew.” 

“Nuki,” Sunny said, meaning, “I think I’d rather eat something hot, or bite your arm off.” 

“No, no, Sunny,” Josephine said firmly, looking up from her shopping list. “‘Nuki’ isn’t a word. Remember what we said about using correct English. Now, Violet, would you please get some cucumbers? I thought I would make chilled cucumber soup again sometime next week.” 

Violet groaned outwardly, giving Josephine the side-eye, and then she moved down another aisle in search of cucumbers. She had no idea where they were- she didn’t know this fucking town!- but likely they’d be around the other vegetables. Things should be organized normally, right? A vender was selling canned soup which would be amazing if she could just fucking cook it. She retied her hair again, wondering if she could take apart the oven and force Josephine to see it was fine. For a few moments, she was so lost in her inventing thoughts that she didn’t look where she was going until she walked right into someone. 

“Oh, I’m sorry-” Violet started to stay, and then she looked up, and froze over. 

Turning around to look at her, with a shiny gleam in his eye, was a tall, thin man in a blue sailor had and black eye patch covering his left eye, as well as a thick wooden peg leg. But even with the peg leg and the eye patch and the sailor outfit, she could see his shiny eyes and the one eyebrow snaking underneath the patch and the long, bony fingers that drumming on a nearby table, slightly rattling a bottle of olives. 

“You.” she breathed. 

“Why, hello, dear lady.” Count Olaf said, a strange tone as he adopted some kind of sailor’s accent. “Didn’t see you there.” 

His beady, uncovered eye was staring down at her as if she were a brightly wrapped birthday present that he couldn’t wait to rip open. Violet had seen that look before, and she immediately reached for her pocket to grab her knife. 

“Violet!” she heard Josephine call behind her, but she didn’t turn, keeping her eyes on the dangerous man in front of her. “What are you doing in this aisle? These people are selling food that must be heated, and you know-” 

When she saw Count Olaf she stopped speaking, and for a second Violet thought she’d recognized him, too. But then she smiled, and Violet felt a boiling fury inside her. 

“Hello,” said Count Olaf, smiling at Josephine, “I was just apologizing for running into your sister here.” 

Klaus and Sunny ran up, then, and Klaus said, “Sorry we wandered behind, we saw- fuck, that’s Count Olaf!” 

“Yeah, no shit, Klaus.” Violet said. “Stay behind me.” 

Josephine scoffed, and said, “Violet! Don’t be rude!” she gestured to the Count in front of them. “This nice man is clearly not Count Olaf. Look at him! He’s a sailor.” 

“Captain Sham, my lady.” Olaf made a bow, and as he did, he shot a sneaky, smug look to Violet. 

“Alright, fucker,” Violet pushed Klaus and Sunny back slightly as Sunny hissed, and then she pulled out her pocketknife, flipping it open and pointing it at him. 

“Violet!” Josephine gasped, as Olaf stood back up, not concerned. “What did we say about sharp objects?” 

“If you’re really a pirate captain,” Violet said, “Then I assume that peg leg is real.” 

“As real as I am, miss.” Olaf said. “If you could put the knife away, nice girls shouldn’t be playing with those.” 

“I’m not a nice girl.” Violet said, stepping towards him. “So if it’s real, I can just swipe at it with this knife, and there’ll be no leg under it for me to sever off, causing you to bleed out until you tell us where the fuck our parents are, you bastard!” 

“Violet!” Josephine nearly shrieked, and she grabbed Violet’s arm, yanking her back. Surprised, Violet nearly swung the knife at her, recovering quickly enough to keep herself from harming their guardian. “I’m sorry, sir, she must be confused.” 

“Well,” Olaf said, smiling again at Violet, “Sometimes young girls are like that when they travel too much. I find it’s best to keep them in one place to avoid hallucinations.” 

Violet tugged at Josephine’s hand, but Josephine kept a firm grip on her, and Violet groaned as Josephine carefully plucked the knife from her hand and tossed it to the ground. “There. Now nobody can get hurt.” 

“Bet.” Sunny said. 

“Josephine, that’s Count Olaf! He’s in disguise.” Klaus said. “He’s after us!” 

“Now, Klaus, be nice to Captain Sham and don’t play along with your sister’s-” 

He turned to Violet, asking with his eyes if he should start crying, and Violet nodded. Klaus then burst into tears, and taking the cue, Sunny did, too. 

“Please, Josephine-” Klaus began. 

“Oh, now, Klaus,” Josephine released Violet, putting an arm around him. Violet turned to Olaf, as if to rush him, only to see, to her horror and frustration, that while Josephine’s back was turned, he had picked up her knife. He twirled it in his hands, giving her a clear look that dared her to try anything. 

“Best be gettin’ the young boy home, miss.” Olaf said, hiding the knife as Josephine turned to him. “Seems the sea air’s done somethin’ to him.”

“I’m very sorry-” 

“Captain Sham.” Olaf pulled a laminated card from his pocket, handing it over. The Baudelaires gave him glares as Josephine read it over. “Sailboat rentals.” 

Josephine laughed. “Why, Captain Sham! You’ve made a grammatical error.” 

“What?” Olaf said, raising his eyebrow. 

“It says here, ‘Captain Sham’s Sailboats. Every boat has it’s own sail.’ There should not be an apostrophe over ‘it’s,’ as that signals ‘it is.’ You mean simply I-T-S, ‘belonging to it.’ It’s a very common mistake, Captain Sham, but a dreadful one.” 

Captain Sham’s face darkened, and it looked for a minute like he was going to attack; Violet moved to grab Klaus’s hand. But then he smiled and said, “Thank you for pointing that out. Perhaps, dear lady, you can explain more about grammar to me tonight, over dinner.” 

“No!” Violet said. 

“Now, Violet, please quiet down. Let the adults speak.” Josephine said. She turned back to Olaf and said, “I’d be happy. We could go to that new fried egg place, if you so wish.” 

“Wonderful. Where do you live? I’ll pick you up very soon.” He looked to the kids there, and Violet felt like she was going to be sick. 

“Josephine, don’t-�� Klaus began, through his forced tears. 

“Right at the top of the hill.” Josephine giggled. “I’ll go get a new shawl and drop the children off.” 

“Yes. They can rest.” Olaf said. “Who knows what could happen to them in the wide open world?” 

“Go to hell, bastard.” Violet said. 

“Violet!” 

“Our parents will beat your ass, and they’ll find us, and you’re going to-” Violet spat. 

“Violet, please!” Josephine shook her head and tutted. “Children have no manners these days. If you’ll excuse us, Captain Sham…” 

She turned and pulled the kids along with her. Violet shot a hateful glare back at Olaf, who just smiled innocently at her. 

Once they reached the house, Josephine said, “I know you children have had quite the terrifying life. But that doesn’t mean you can be rude to kind sailors at the market.” 

“That wasn’t a kind sailor! That was Count Olaf!” Violet protested. 

“Please,” Klaus sniffled, “Listen to us!” 

“Children, go lie down.” Josephine insisted. “Captain Sham must be right, the excessive travel is making you-” 

“Did you seriously buy that?” Klaus temporarily snapped out of his fake tears. “That’s ‘female hysteria’ bullshit!” 

“Klaus! Go lie down! I will go get ready for dinner.” she paused. “Why don’t I make you all chilled cucumber soup, so that you have something to eat while I’m out?” 

Violet took a deep breath, and then spun on her heel and stalked off without another word. 

Klaus raced after her, and Sunny asked, “Ato?” which meant something akin to, “What do we do?” 

“I’m working on it.” Violet muttered. 

“Gui!” Sunny shouted as they made their way into their bedroom, meaning, “How could she fall for that phony disguise?” 

“Mother and Father told us often that disguises are an easy way to sneak around simple people.” Klaus said. 

“Well, good to know that Josephine is a dumbass!” Violet sat on the bed, and pulled out her ribbon, tying her hair back as tight as she could. She took a deep breath, and thought. 

She remembered, when she was about eight, her Mother had sat her down and tried to help her figure out better ways to manage her anger, after she’d punched a kid who threatened Klaus at the playground. One of the things that had worked was just letting her inventing mind go off on plans, keeping her focus on different ideas instead of on the first impulse to attack. She clasped her hands together, sitting cross-legged, and keeping her eyes shut, even as Sunny crawled onto her lap. 

Klaus sat beside her on the bed, bouncing the mattress slightly. “Ideas?” 

Violet considered what they had at their disposal. The house had little electricity, was situated above a lake… perhaps they could push Olaf through the library window, but he could grab one of their ankles and pull them with him. Josephine didn’t have anything very sharp or heavy… the only dangerous thing around the lake was- 

“I have an idea.” Violet said after a minute, smiling as she opened her eyes. “I need you guys to distract Josephine. If Olaf comes, keep him here.” 

“What are you going to do?” 

“I’m going to get our weapon.” Violet pulled Sunny off of her lap, putting the baby on a pillow, and she stood up, stretching slightly. “What we’re going to do, is we’re going to beg to go to dinner with Josephine and Olaf. We’re so sorry, we made a mistake, we feel so bad for insulting Captain Sham.” 

“That’s gonna be hard to fake.” 

“We’ll manage. Then at the restaurant, we’ll get him to take us for a walk by the pier.” 

“That’s asking for him to kidnap us.” 

“Exactly. Once lulled into a false sense of security, as we walk by the ocean, you trip him into the water.” 

“So he swims back and strangles us.” 

“No, so I throw our weapon at him. In the water, he’ll be helpless.” 

“What weapon, Vi? A weight?” 

Violet smiled and shook her head. She reached into Klaus’s bag, pulling out a small, glass jar, as well as a small snackbag. 

“The Lachrymose Leeches.”