#and then yeah the second tweet accidentally points out the actual problem which is that there are absolutely cases...

[hippo-pot]

(& that the real problem is capitalism)

[quidfree]

can you Please write the scene with bakugou's piercing SGDHEFEH the concept is too funny to me !!!

anon you’re lucky 報復性熬夜 is a concept i am firmly attached to so here i am at 1 am rattling this off instead of getting my beauty sleep. please excuse the standard of writing as a result

by the second day, katsuki is seriously considering agreeing to todoroki’s earlier and ambiguously sincere proposal that they play i spy.

he doesn’t know what it is about this particular job that’s so unbearable. no, scratch that- of course he knows what’s unbearable; it’s sat right next to him on a too-small chair in their too-small room staring impassively out of a too-small window. but he’s been thrown into so much shit with icyhot you’d think he’d developed some kind of immunity by now, the way vaccines microdose you on viruses so you can resist the real thing. call katsuki an antivaxxer, he guesses, because he has overdosed on todoroki ever since he met the asshole and he’s still not ready for how far up the wall he’s driving him when they’re stuck together for two straight days without a breather or any contact with the outside world.

cards on the table: stake-outs aren’t his thing. he does them just fine, fuck you very much, but he doesn’t like ‘em. why would he? they’re some ungodly blend of extremely boring and extremely tense, where nothing happens right up until way too long into it and then everything goes to shit unprompted. it’s rare he ever gets called in on jobs like this- people tend to assume he lacks the temperament for it, for one, and for another he’s too useful to lock away for days on end. it’s only because their suspected target is so insanely volatile and dangerous that it’s the two of them waiting for her to show her ugly face- no one else is even allowed in the perimeter. which is fucking fine, but he just wishes the cops would get their shit together for once and actually have the proof ready by the time they call the pros in so he doesn’t have to wait before he goes in guns blazing. instead they talked some bullshit about how critical of a stage this was and blah blah fifteen years of (obviously mediocre) work had gone into setting this trap, etc etc. the point is that it’s led to katsuki stuck in the world’s most disgusting little apartment, staring out of a splintered window for two-going-on-three days with no one but the world’s most annoying prodigy to keep him company. the place is such a dump they’re sleeping on mats in sleeping bags. it’s like fucking UA summer camp, and at this point he’d take the kidnapping over the waiting.

day one wasn’t so bad, right up until he realized there would be a day two. day two is bad from start to finish. they’re supposed to take turns on watch but there’s fuck all else to do except sit on their phones, and katsuki can only quote tweet so much dumb shit before he gets bored. he can’t talk to anyone outside because of confidentiality bullshit, and there’s no point checking work shit when he can’t do anything from where they are. so it’s either silently watching the warehouse or talking to todoroki, and todoroki is a fucking terrible conversationalist.

the thing with icyhot is this: katsuki doesn’t hate him, okay. like, he hates him, but also not really. they’re, at a push, maybe, sort of, friends. verging on close ones. not that he’d say so, but after the amount of dramatic self-sacrifices and final stands against a joint enemy they’ve endured he can’t really muster the energy to argue otherwise. todoroki’s tolerable, sort of maybe. usually katsuki borderline likes working with him, because if nothing else he’s good at what he does, and they know each other too well to be anything but in sync in the field. if they were doing almost anything else he’d be relieved at the choice of pairing.

they are not, however, doing anything else, and todoroki still fucking sucks at talking like a normal person. when he’d woken katsuki up for his shift of night-watch he’d loomed over him ominously like a fucking ghoul and said, voice belying no humor: “do you think plants can feel pain?”

there’s fucking nothing to talk about. anything interesting is essentially vetoed because it’d inevitably distract them from the whole intent observation thing, and katsuki hates small talk on a normal day but especially when todoroki’s doing his ‘alien attempting earth dialect’ bit and asking him about weather or the tokyo transportation system or whatever. so they just sit in semi-silence and occasionally go on very stupid tangents katsuki is glad no one can witness and remain overall bored out of their fucking skulls.

by day three they’ve already exhausted i spy and also the alphabet game and hangman, and katsuki draws the line at tic-tac-toe. todoroki looks implacable as always but his eye has started twitching a little. katsuki tries to think of literally anything that could plausibly take up their time and not take their eyes off the window, comes up short. twister is not a good idea even ignoring their lack of a board. shop talk is so very tempting, but he’s not losing this villain and wasting two days’ suffering because they get carried away on some long-winded discussion, so that’s not an option either.

“how’s your ear?” todoroki says, and at first katsuki thinks he’s really fucking lost it if he’s started asking after the wellbeing of his individual body parts, but then he remembers the last time they saw each other katsuki was throwing himself into the path of some jackass with a trumpeting quirk who nearly blew out his eardrum, so he guesses half ‘n half’s not entirely insane yet. he shrugs, shifts in his chair.

“fine. couldn’t hear shit from it for like three straight days, though. and my balance was fucked.”

“it hasn’t scarred at all.”

“yeah. lame place for a scar,” katsuki says, flexing his fingers absently. they’re all of them more roughed up than they were at UA, but talent and good healers have kept him mostly intact, give or take a few big nasties like the time he got gutted in first year or his near loss of an eye around graduation. privately he suspects genetics have dealt him a good hand, what with his gene donor’s perfect skin, but then todoroki doesn’t have that excuse and he’s not scarred anywhere ugly except the obvious, though katsuki could point blind to most of the nasties he’s accumulated under his suit.

not that he thinks about what’s under todoroki’s suit. god, he needs to get out of here.

“i don’t know,” todoroki is saying now, thoughtful. “a lot of people have ear-scars, no? from piercings.”

“that’s different,” katsuki says, immediately contrarian, even as he thinks about it. by the warehouse a truck stalls, but then moves on, lessening his momentary excitement. “most people don’t let that shit heal. unless you’re a moron there’s no point getting a hole jabbed through your ear if you’re not sure you want it.”

“would you?” todoroki asks, mildly curious, and taps his ear where katsuki can see him in the window’s reflection. “get a piercing, i mean.”

“what’s it to you?”

todoroki rolls his eyes at him like he’s being pointlessly difficult, which he maybe is a little. “i don’t know. i think it would suit you.”

“yeah?” katsuki sniffs, mollified and trying not to show it. it’s always a mistake to let icyhot know when his obvious ploys are working. “been thinking about it?”

“i can hardly sleep at night for thinking about it,” todoroki deadpans, which makes katsuki scowl and stomp down on the extremely unwarranted flush crawling up his neck in response.

“fuck off. i guess i’d do like one or two.”

“really? you always say no to tattoos.”

“that’s different. i don’t trust some asshole to draw a fucking infinity sign on my knee or whatever. sticking a hole through an ear is hard to fuck up, and you barely register it after. if you get a shitty tattoo you have to think about it all the time.”

“if it’s easy then why don’t you have any?” todoroki asks, but he sounds genuinely curious more than like he’s trying to catch him out, so katsuki thinks about it honestly.

“don’t have the time. ���s not like i can really afford to pencil in an afternoon to the nearest parlor or whatever just for that.”

“i read you can pierce your ears with a needle.”

“i guess i haven’t fucking thought about it that much, then,” katsuki grumbles, forever irked by todoroki’s smart mouth. problem solver his ass. the guy goes around making problems for everyone.

they sit in silence for a beat, watching the breeze rattle the wooden planks barricading a window opposite them, and then he thinks needle, and does some very quick mental arithmetics to reach the conclusion that todoroki is probably also landing on, judging by the way he blinks when katsuki briefly glances his way. 

he thinks about the job, and how close he’d come to throttling todoroki during i spy, and the great dawning nothingness ahead of them for fuck knows how long still. at the very worst, they have to start moving with a needle in his ear. 

“pass me your medikit.”

todoroki does, but when katsuki unzips the pack he shifts. “it’d be easier if i did it.”

“it’s not rocket science,” katsuki mutters, considering the needle critically before glancing back out of the window. “'s not like i give a shit about precise location.”

“i’m just saying i wouldn’t have to go in blind. and you can keep watch while i do it.”

“or you can keep watch while i do. same shit.”

todoroki only shakes his head, because unlike some people who shall not be named he is not so incredibly psychosexually attached to offering help where it isn’t wanted. “fine.”

katsuki eyes the window, squints at his ear. tissue’s the best bet- he thinks he could probably manage cartilage fine, but on the off chance they have to drop everything and run he doesn’t want to accidentally snap a bone and start the fight inconvenienced. lobe it is.

“wait,” todoroki says, just when he’s focused, and then reaches over without removing his gaze from the window to press two fingers to the needle, tip going blisteringly red-hot before he releases it. cauterised. their kit’s sterilised anyway, but katsuki grunts his begrudging thanks, repositions himself. 

“wait,” todoroki says again, and this time katsuki can’t help but turn to glare at him where he’s still watchfully staring outside.

“fucking what, icyhot?”

“two seconds,” todoroki promises, gaze flickering his way for half a second with something like self-effacing amusement before he turns his eyes dutifully away and reaches his other arm around to pinch his ear, which flares cold so quickly katsuki hisses even as his cheeks heat. fucking weirdo.

“could’ve just said,” he mutters, ignoring his not at all jumpy pulse to refocus on the task at hand as todoroki does that obnoxious lip-twitch thing that means he’s smiling internally. 

physics dictates that he keep his wrist at an angle if he wants the needle to come out right, so he does, braces and jabs. it goes so easy he almost doubts his own success, not even the slightest twinge of pain ensuing. he twists for good measure, removes the needle, watches tiny beads of blood emerge from the piercing. 

well, that was anticlimactic, katsuki thinks, retrieving an anti-bacterial wipe for the needle, and then pauses, staring at the window.

“motherfucker.”

“what?”

“what the fuck am i supposed to put through this?”

todoroki’s mismatched eyes go gratifyingly wide in the window, and for one spectacularly braindead moment two of the world’s most outstanding pro-heroes stare at one another in a shitty broken window with equal amounts of retroactive dismay. 

“um,” todoroki says, or as close to ‘um’ as todoroki will ever say. katsuki wishes dearly he was still of an age where he could throw him through a wall. then his eyes focus elsewhere, sharpening with what could pass as professional focus but is mostly naked relief. “um.”

um in-fucking-deed. by the warehouse, a door has just opened a sliver.

“you owe me a fucking earring,” katsuki declares, but so fast it lacks any aggression, already halfway out the window by the time he finishes speaking, atrophied limbs reviving with an ecstatic chemical burn as fresh air hits their faces. 

god. if he ever gets stuck on stake-out duty again he’s sleeping by himself under a parked car or some shit. 

they make disgustingly quick work of the fight, in the end, days of pent-up frustration and skull-numbing boredom leaving them so bursting with power that it’s almost embarrassing for the villain, but when the first kow-towing police officer reaches them full of praise and suggestion that they handle another job he has queued up they chorus a ‘no’ so violent the guy actually jumps. 

todoroki’s not so bad, katsuki thinks fondly, watching his face slide into frigid blankness with absolutely no idea of how shitless he’s scaring the officers around them. it’s almost enough to make him forget to kick his ass for the enormously shitty banter he’d had to endure vis-a-vis his still-bleeding ear throughout the entire tragically short fight.

almost. not quite. who even knew there was a ‘gay ear’?

[eldritch-elrics]

i rewatched the entire ice age series and i have opinions

after rewatching some of the madagascar movies, me and @calocybe​ decided to embark on a quest to watch more animated series from our childhood. an obvious choice was ice age! so, i present to you: finn’s comprehensive ice age opinions masterpost.

read on for an in-depth review of each movie, my opinions on what the series does well (good animation, really fun chase scenes) and what it does not so well (manny is an awful protagonist), and some other things too (like my analysis of queerness in ice age)

first of all, a ranking of the five movies from best to worst:

ice age

dawn of the dinosaurs

collision course

the meltdown

continental drift

first movie

definitely the best

accidental baby acquisition…

it’s just a really good premise. three bros with completely different personalities are forced to work together towards a common goal that doesn’t even benefit any of them personally!

it’s silly and charming and well-written

diego’s arc is especially well-done and it’s easy to follow the way his personality and opinions change

my theory is that they made this movie because they wanted to show off how good they were at animating ice. most of the models and stuff are not very realistically rendered but the ice is honestly pretty impressive

honestly hilarious, has really good visual gags

one of my favorite parts is where they go into the ice cave and find like the ufo and stuff

also the baby does the vulcan hand sign at the ufo which was so subtle and REALLY funny

the ice slide scene. incredible

and then it transitions to the cave painting part with a fantastic depiction of manny’s backstory in a way that’s honestly heart-wrenching??

i wonder if the death of his own family is the cause of his annoying clinginess in later movies, especially with regards to peaches. unfortunately this never comes up again

there are some genuinely emotionally affecting moments in this movie, especially with the humans (when the human woman gives away her baby, when they return the baby to the group) - plus, kudos for conveying all that emotion with no dialogue

this is the only movie where manny’s emotional stuntedness is actually somewhat endearing rather than aggravating

this is also the movie with the most interesting villains - they feel like an especially relevant threat to the protags, and putting diego in with manny and sid creates both good tension and good humor

i wonder why the humans never came back. i think subsequent movies could have benefited from their presence, though i have no idea in what ways. not sure how they would’ve pulled it off but having the baby they rescued in the first movie appear as an adult in a later movie is a plot point that i think would have had the potential to be really powerful

second movie (the meltdown)

pretty underwhelming after the first movie

plot feels disjointed and the climax is weak

i feel like they were trying to go for this sort of found family vs nuclear family / reproductive futurism bent but didn’t entirely succeed and instead made the themes feel muddled. especially after the first movie which was all about rejecting heteronormative standards of family, having manny suddenly go “oop i’m the last mammoth better Reproduce” was a bit jarring

even if he isn’t actually the last mammoth, it feels like the wrong way to start a romance

in general the romance between ellie and manny isn’t very well-done in my opinion.

manny should’ve apologized for getting so offended when ellie freaked out about the pressure to save their species, but instead ellie apologized for “overreacting” for some reason???

number of biblical parallels: a surprising amount??

you’ve got. sid as a jesus figure to the sloth tribe, the ark saving them from the flood, scrat as moses??

the villains in this one were super boring they were just like… evil fish…

ok i’ve said too many mean things about this movie. to atone let me present this opinion: the scene where the vultures sing a parody of “food, glorious food” from oliver completely unprompted is one of the best moments in the series

also the possum brothers are wonderful

third movie (dawn of the dinosaurs)

this was my favorite as a kid!!

it’s still really good

it doesn’t take itself seriously and that’s wonderful. like… dinosaurs? in the ice age? objectively stupid plot. who cares

buck is the best character ever he’s so much fun

buck’s entire thing is also being a VERY cliche kooky adventurer but the way that they play with it and are self-aware about it makes it good

also i legitimately get chills at the scene where he explains his tragic backstory with rudy

god the romance with the female scrat is SO stupid but at least they’re clearly making fun of romantic tropes here

good team-building shenanigans, like the laughing gas sequence

there’s probably something to be said about the ways that family is portrayed in this movie but sorry i’m too busy looking at the scene where they get swallowed by a giant plant and buck has to like cut its veins like he’s diffusing a bomb

also i do need to mention that the scene where they find the carnage of sid’s attempt at feeding vegetables to the dino babies and buck goes off on his whole silly detective-shtick about what must’ve happened (“leaving broccoli… a vegetable!!!”) was my favorite scene in the series as a kid. it’s so wonderfully absurd!

there are a surprising amount of dick jokes in this movie? and by that i mean like 2 but. it’s really funny rewatching this and going “holy shit”

there’s also a joke about a butterfly dude that i’m pretty sure is a trans joke (“i knew that guy as a caterpillar! yknow, before he came out”) so that was also pretty funny

this movie parallels the first 2 by 1. having sid take care of kids and 2. having a group of creatures who copy all of sid’s wacky movements. i don’t have anything more to say i just think that’s funny

buck and rudy are kismeses send tweet

fourth movie (continental drift)

yeah okay this one’s the worst

it takes itself too seriously and that is its downfall

feels tonally off from the other ones

i saw this movie during the height of my hyperfixation on plate tectonics and i remember being very offended at the fact that they made such a mockery of the way it actually worked… :pensive:

(granted, poorly-done science is a cornerstone of ice age, so i can’t really say shit)

anyway this one really felt like a jumble of cliches. the enemies-to-lovers thing with diego! peaches’ teenager problems! manny’s troubles of raising a teenager! all the mean girls! evil pirates! sirens! woooo!

it just didn’t feel all that original and it didn’t play with the tropes like 3 did

what is it in this series with guys not apologizing for their sexism and then getting the girl anyway

also wow. damsels in distress much

sheera’s design is also such a generic “female animal” look

the ape dude was a boring villain and too much of the movie focused on the pirates

okay BUT the sea shanty scene slapped. had some good rhythm and clever lyrics

lewis was good and i’m glad he stayed friends with peaches

the water was well-animated! maybe they made this movie so they could show off how good they were at rendering water

the chipmunk creatures on the island are like knockoff minions/ewoks

in general this movie felt way less funny than the others. less punchy dialogue

fifth movie (collision course)

solidly in the middle of my movie ranking. not as good as 1 or 3, better than 2 and 4

this was my first time seeing this movie! which means that my view of it isn’t colored by nostalgia, and also that i have a lot more to say about it i guess

first of all it’s wild to see how much the animation has progressed… this one was so well-rendered wow

i liked this one a lot more than i expected to! it was a good time, and, like 3, didn’t take itself seriously, which is always great

the whole thing is built off a lot of bullshit science which offends my inner scifi nerd BUT i think they pulled it off quite well

the fact that they got neil degrasse tyson to do voiceovers is just so funny

they’ve firmly established by now that the ice age universe can fully ignore the laws of science when it wants to, especially with regards to scrat and his butterfly-effect influence on the world

okay buckle up because i have a lot to say about scrat actually.

scrat’s ability to influence the universe has been steadily increasing as the series goes on, so it made sense that he would be the catalyst for the apocalypse in this one

and also the catalyst for the creation of the solar system i guess?? which was very stupid. i say that in an endearing way. that beginning scene was super fun & wacky

absolutely brilliant way to bring the ufo from movie 1 back btw

ok so the prophecy tablet thing that buck brings back? he finds it by pressing a button with the outline of an acorn on it and that’s very interesting to me

at that point in the movie i was really invested because i thought that scrat and the protagonists were finally going to be forced to confront each other on the same level. the idea that ice age might finally break its unwritten rule of “the protags can never know scrat as the force of global change that he really is” was legitimately exciting to me, and it seemed appropriate for the last movie in the franchise

unfortunately this did not happen. scrat just keeps doing his silly scrat shenanigans

um anyway let’s talk about some of the other characters!

manny continues to suck. more on this in the “low points as a franchise” section

peaches was actually really good in this one! she’s grown out of her “teenage stereotype” phase and into a character with a believable narrative about growing up and moving out.

her boyfriend is adorable and i was surprised to discover i actually liked their relationship!

sid did not need to be paired off though. neither did diego. what is up with kids’ movies and their shallow heterosexual romances

buck is back and he is fruitier than ever

man i really like buck. he’s so silly and irreverent and flamboyant and it’s like kind of embarrassing to watch sometimes but it’s ok he’s just doing his own thing

the villains were pretty good in this one. i liked how the female dino didn’t have a stereotypically feminine design

on an entirely different topic: let’s talk about the aesthetic direction!

the scifi thing was super fun. like, absolutely wild for a series about the ice age, but whatever. i like scifi

like the whole superpower magnetism shit, especially the scene in the forest? great! especially reminiscent of the climax of the guardians of ga’hoole movie

however the whole dive into the crystal cave environment was a lil tonally dissonant and i think it should have been cut (introduced an entire new world/characters way too late in the plot and didn’t have time to develop them enough, went too far down the rabbit hole of magic healing crystals jokes and all that stuff which didn’t seem to relate to the rest of the story at all, introduced a fun but unnecessary girlfriend for sid, the time could have been better spent making fun of more scifi tropes and developing the villains)

brooke the sloth girl is just miranda from the tempest change my mind also that climax is on a similar level of stupid as that one episode from hoshi no kaabii where they deflect an an entire asteroid using uhhhh cannons i think

but it’s like. whatever. they’ve fucked around with science enough that they deserve this

also i just realized there were no chase scenes in this movie which is so sad??

so there are my thoughts on the individual movies. let’s talk about it as a whole!

high points as a franchise

this series consistently has VERY good chase scenes

just top-tier chase scenes with excellent comedic timing and general pacing

3 is so good because it has a chase as the climax, and that’s what ice age is good at

4 is bad because it doesn’t have a proper chase anywhere!

the animation is really good. by that i mean less like the models are realistic and more that they’re great at conveying emotion and body language through animation

like this is especially true in 1 if you look at the difference between the sort of smooth, not very realistic animation of the humans vs… scrat

like they’ve got the way scrat moves down so well it’s delightful

the movies are, generally, funny

there are good messages about found family, especially in the first couple

low points as a franchise

alright i had a bunch of these written out as universal truths about the series and then 5 actually improved on many of them! so here are some criticisms that apply to the first four movies only:

just… every single female character? they deserve better

too many damsels in distress

all the fat jokes about manny are so unnecessary

the romances are really boring and not very well-written or believable

okay with those out of the way here’s the real biggest issue with the series: manny is an awful protagonist

heterosexual “no fun allowed” man

they keep him sucky so he can have a fresh new character flaw to be worked on in the next movie but that seems like a bad formula for character development, especially how many of his character flaws seem to be related to mistreating the women in his life

the man’s got a major possessiveness issue

he is just the archetypical slightly shitty husband/dad who forgets the anniversary and doesn’t let his daughter see boys and calls women hysterical and yes he does get better at each of the individual problems and he does love his family but that development feels so shallow!

manny is absolutely making AITA posts and getting labeled the asshole

it also feels like he never truly learns from his mistakes. he needs to be learning to apologize properly and most importantly to communicate properly! there’s so little emotional reality to his development and the script always seems to give him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn’t deserve it.

plus, this series is meant for kids and i just don’t think manny is an appropriate or relatable protagonist for that audience?

on a mostly unrelated note, yes i do like the found family themes but when it starts pairing up every single character and implying that all of them are gonna be monogamous het couples and have kids and conform to the nuclear family model. that’s pretty sad

some more random thoughts

my dad once said that ice age fails as a franchise because the premise of the first movie was not strong enough to support sequels. i think i kind of agree - you can see in 2 they’re trying to worldbuild off what little they established in the first movie, and also set up a bigger cast of characters, while still keeping up the “man vs nature” theme that’s such a cornerstone of the series.

i’m not sure they completely succeed. the worldbuilding of ice age isn’t necessarily weak but i do think they could have done more to round out the world and make it feel less like just a prehistoric clone of ours

there’s something about the first movie that makes it feel like a moment suspended in time. we don’t learn very much about the pasts of the characters and they get enough development in one movie that we (or at least i) don’t feel any desperate need to know their futures. it feels complete!

so in all the other movies are working with a set of characters who have ostensibly completed their development. so in each new movie, they need to give the characters more problems. usually this comes from external factors, like new characters. a couple times they do a pretty good job introducing new internal problems for the characters - diego’s quest to get over his fear of water was a pretty good one i thought.

but after a while the main trio just stagnates. diego, once the most compelling character, becomes pretty boring. he doesn’t have anything to do anymore. i’ve already talked about manny - each movie he reverts back into an asshole and it gets old so fast. sid’s a little better; he’s got issues with his family and a desire for a family of his own and all that, but more often than not the conclusions to his arcs are unsatisfying

sid plays the role of the character who’s doomed to never get exactly what he wants, except, like, in a way that’s supposed to be funny. we pity him!

i think he has some archetype parallels with escargon from hoshi no kaabii (why do i keep mentioning hoshi no kaabii) but i am not going into that here oh boy

i feel like i’m juggling a lot in my head right now, but sid’s position as the comedic scapegoat is interesting. i’m sure there’s more to unpack here but i’ve already gone way too deep into this series

there’s also more to unpack when you consider his queercoding hmm

anyway, on that note…

additional thesis: sid the sloth is queer-coded

complicated relationship with family (they hate him and think he’s useless)

lispy voice

cares about “fem” things like children. takes care of kids in both movies 1 and 3. calls himself “mama”

gets pushed into the role of caring for the kid in 1

makes vaguely gay comments at his male friends, like “you have beautiful eyes” to manny

there are literally so many jokes in the first movie like. diego’s “you guys are an odd couple” to manny and sid

that whole part in 4 where he’s trying to kiss the sirens and kisses diego instead and is like “wow romantic”

not interested in the idea of a nuclear/traditional family. see his shenanigans with the dino babies

he is interested in women throughout the series though (bi rights)

5 especially tunes down the queercoding and tunes up the “awkward guy who can’t get girls” angle

so. ice age. is it fun? yes! i definitely enjoyed rewatching the series with my friend. and kids will probably get a kick out of the slapstick and silly dialogue. but if you’re not a kid and looking to (re)watch any of them, i’d probably just stick to the first one.

[2seokfan]

Scarlet & Hazel | Ch. 3

pairings: hoseok x reader x yoongi

genre: fluff, very light angst, smut (future)

word count: 6k

chapters: ch.1, ch.2, ch.3. ch.4

summary: 

Just cause you’re living paycheck to paycheck in a tiny apartment even after graduating college doesn’t mean you’re not happy. So what if your best friend is working her dream job making close to six figures every year?  So what if she’s in a loving, committed relationship with her perfect boyfriend that you’re 99% sure is going to propose to her sometime next year? It doesn’t matter that your idea of a perfect relationship is a $9.99 bottle of wine on Friday nights while you binge watch Netflix specials.

Ok so maybe you’re a teensy bit miserable. Maybe you have no idea what you’re doing with your life. Maybe all you need to do is accidentally cross paths with two hybrids who will drastically change that.

Meet “Scarlet” and “Hazel”, two of the most gorgeous hybrid men you have ever laid eyes on. With their help, you learn that life is an adventure, a roller-coaster with ups and downs, and you were too preoccupied with yourself to climb out of your own predicament. And hey, you’re not much of a romantic, but with these two, you just might change your mind.

a/n: Hello, Jun here! Whew this took a while to write but thank you for your patience!! (poor Y/N still doesn’t know their real names but maybe she’ll find out soon?) Any feedback is appreciated <3 

tag list: @wilhelminalucinda​ @ghostkat23​ @ayoo-bangtan​ @sadgurllayha

2 months later.

August is relentless. You’re sweaty all the time and you have no choice but the crank up the a/c every single day. This heat wave is incredibly brutal because all you want to do is stay at home eating ice cream in your underwear but instead you’re stuck working overtime to pay for what you assume will be a record-high electricity bill. Fuck you global warming. 

It’s currently Tuesday. You’re on lunch break at work, chowing down on a falafel wrap and scrolling through your phone, when a text pops up from Karli.

Karli: Don’t forget!

You: ???

Karli: This friday?

You scratch your head. Wtf?

You: What’s on friday?

Karli: Umm the date? Remember?

No you didn’t. Your dumbass actually forgot about a whole date. You can’t believe yourself. Karli finally set you up with that accountant guy from her job. What’s his name again? Brad? Brandon?

You: oh yeah! my bad haha

Karli: You forgot his name didn’t you?

You: …maybe

Karli: Lol it’s Bryce sweetie

Karli: He’s really sweet! Just give it a shot

You: of course i will

You: i’ll turn up my maximum charm

Karli: Dats my girlllll

Karli: Ugh gtg it’s my boss

Karli: Bye!

You: bye babe

You set your phone down, trying to envision this upcoming Friday. Karli mentioned she gave Bryce your phone number, and he’ll text you sometime this week about your date, so at least you don’t have to make any moves first. She did show you his picture though, being the wingman that she is by stalking all his social media just for you. You’ve gotta admit he is cute, the profile picture showed him sporting a casual smile, with blonde hair and blue eyes. The classic boy-next-door look.

“And he’s most likely not a serial killer!” You remember her declaring a few weeks ago, after scrolling through all his tweets. And when you say all his tweets you mean EVERY Single tweet from when he created his account in high school till now. Your best friend does not fuck around. 

“Thanks I appreciate that. Glad he’ll ‘most likely’ not kill me.” You rolled your eyes and grinned at her.

While you munch away the rest of your lunch, you think about how you just aren’t acting like yourself lately. In any other circumstance, you would’ve found yourself more excited for the date. Hell, in any other circumstance you would’ve at LEAst remembered his name, or thought about what to wear by now, or even stalked his social media along with Karli. There’s just a teensy problem though. See, in the past few months you happen to have met two boys who completely changed your standards in men. And you may have maybe developed the tiniest crush on both of them, at the same time. Like how?? You didn’t think you were physically capable of doing that?

You sigh, staring at the rest of your falafel wrap, and force yourself to accept reality. As much as you adore them, you know that your little crush will be completely unreciprocated. This you found out through your group chat, now named ‘Hazel’s Nuts’ (courtesy of Scarlet). It’s not that you confessed to them or anything, they just happened to let slip to you one day that they’re a mated pair. And hybrids mate for life, so they take that shit very seriously. Although this news stung a little, it didn’t cause you to be envious in any way. At the end of the day, crush or not, you’re just glad you have two more people in your life you can confidently call your close friends.

For the past two months you’ve actively kept up with them. Sometimes you’ll send memes back and forth all night, sometimes you’ll group call each other after work. Every once in a while, when they’re not busy doing whatever it is they’re doing, they facetime you. These are your favorite moments because you get to see them in all their attractive glory. Just because they don’t like you that way doesn’t mean a girl can’t deny herself some eye candy. 

You guys never run out of things to talk about. Each day you check the group chat and it’ll be popping. Your topics range from the movie that just came out, restaurants they discovered, to even discussing new criminal cases (you got Hazel into watching true crime Youtube videos and now he’s entirely hooked). Sometimes you just sit back and watch the two boys bicker back and forth. It’s hysterical how they decide to argue through text since you’re sure both of them are probably in the same room together, but you appreciate them keeping you in the loop. 

At this point they’ve already virtually met Karli. She’s been in the background of one or two of your facetimes. You’re glad she approves of them instantly and you wonder if it has a little something to do with their, especially Scarlet’s, boyish charms. She does keep you grounded though, never failing to mention how it’s suspicious that you don’t know their real names yet.

“I don’t think they mean any harm and they seem genuinely nice,” she had reassured, “But you gotta admit not telling you their names is a little sketch.”

You just shrugged. “They have their reasons.”

Internally you do believe she has a point. Even though you don’t want to force information out of the boys, you’re a naturally curious person. Your mind has already compiled a list of all the unusual facts you’ve discovered about them. 

A couple of things have become clear to you over the span of the last few months. The most important fact is that although they share tons of content with you, you still have no idea what they do for a living. You’re also 90% sure they don’t have an owner since there’s never anyone else around them. Another, more interesting fact is that you suspect they’re actually pretty wealthy. Every time you facetime, they’re in some sort of lavish looking hotel penthouse, with fancy furniture and artwork hanging in the background. They also dress designer, occasionally flashing their Balenciaga hats, or little Gucci necklaces, or other fancy logos your peasant-ass is unfamiliar with. You actually googled one of Hazel’s t-shirts from your most recent facetime, having no idea what the FG logo stood for. You remember your eyes bulging out of your head after discovering his plain white shirt with two black letters cost more than $200. TWO HUNDred dollars?!!! Do you know how much food and gas you could buy with $200? Why in the fuck would he spend that much on a shirt??

If only you knew how much their watches cost.

Friday rolls around faster than you can blink and before you know it, you’re rushing home from work to get ready. Bryce texted you for the first time on Wednesday to see if you wanted sushi (hell yeah you did) and you were fortunate enough to notify your boss so you could be let out early. You’ve been such a work horse the last few months that they had no choice but to let you leave in advance. 

So far Bryce seems nice enough but you can’t get a proper gauge of his character through text. Oh well, guess you’ll find out tonight.

The sushi place you’re meeting at is on the fancier side, and includes a bar. Knowing yourself, if there’s a bar, there’s no car, which means you won’t be driving. The last thing you want is to leave your car parked somewhere sketchy overnight cause you accidentally got too tipsy to drive. You like to think you have some semblance of control but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

You were let out at 4, which means you have only 2 hours to get ready. As soon as you get home you sprint to your closet at lightning speed. You rummage through your drawers, hoping to find something, ANYthing, that’s appropriate for this occasion. For one quick second, your eyes dart to your forbidden drawer, aka the ho drawer. It contains the remains of your slutty party dresses and tops from college. Being the hoarder that you are, you never like throwing away things, even if you have no need for them anymore. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? You snap your eyes back to the rest of your closet. You’re going for sushi, not to dance at some club. Besides, you have no intention of sleeping with anyone tonight.

After an hour of deciding on a suitable outfit you finally start on your makeup. Your work makeup has dried up, and now feels gross and cakey on your face, so you remove it all and start anew. At least you had the decency to shower this morning so your hair isn’t too gross.

The place is around a 10 minute Uber ride away but you took your sweet ass time getting ready so now you’re in a frenzy. When your phone buzzes, signaling your driver is here, you swipe on some lipstick last minute, grab some chunky heels, and practically fly out the door. 

You stare out the window of your ride, wondering why you’re lowkey wishing you could spend Friday night at home watching tv instead, or even just spending the evening facetiming two hot hybrids. This all feels a little too rushed. But no, you shake your head and attempt to hype yourself up. C’mon Y/N this is the first real date you’ve been on in ages. At least TRy and be a little more motivated. 

The car pulls up and you thank the driver, stepping out into the warm night air. August is still hot, even in the evenings, and you’re glad you didn’t bring a cardigan. Bryce has already texted you, letting you know he was inside, sitting at your reserved spot. You take a deep breath. Ok, time to put on your game face. You strut in, trying your very best to push the faces of two very good-looking friends out of your mind.

You spot Bryce in a corner, head buried in his phone, his wavy blonde hair not easy to miss. You slide in the seat across from him, prompting him to quickly look up and flash you an easygoing smile.

“Hello there!”

“Hi!” You chuckle nervously. “I hope I’m not too late.”

“Not all all!” He slides his phone back in his pocket, smile still on his face. “You’re just in time.”

A waiter comes by and you both take your orders. You make sure to order a drink because you have a feeling you’ll need the liquid courage to strike up more conversation. Maybe some sake will help ease you.

The first couple minutes are kinda awkward, not gonna lie. Bryce tries to get you to talk about work and you do answer him, but honestly work is the last thing you want to discuss right now. You try to shift the conversation to his job, but that only ends up being worse as he quickly launches into the ins and outs of life as an accountant. Maybe your two hybrids friends have spoiled you because you barely remember the last time you had to fill empty space with small talk.

When the food comes you quietly sigh a breath of relief, hoping the sushi in front of you will help you both get settled and give you time to think of more interesting topics to talk about.

“So,” you wrack your brain, “let’s get to know each other more! Like, what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” That’s got to be a safe enough question.

“Hm, I’m actually more of a yogurt kinda guy, ice cream’s not really my thing.”

You freeze, California roll halfway to your mouth. Ok, ok, cool, cool. So he doesn’t like ice cream, that’s fine. You sweat a little. Hurry Y/N think of something else to ask.

“Yeah, I guess that’s not everybody’s thing.” You grimace. “Then what about, i don’t know, cookies? What’s your favorite kinda cookie?”

“Actually I prefer crackers, you know, like the saltine ones? Cookies can be too sweet sometimes.” He’s devouring his dragon roll, not noticing the panic in your eyes. He’s caught you off guard twice today.

This isn’t going well and you’re genuinely surprised because you know Karli has done her research, certain that you two would get along. Guess life really likes to throw you some curveballs. 

Who the fuck prefers crackers over cookies anyway?? Ok. Code red! Change the fucking subject before the silence becomes unbearable. Your dessert-related ice breakers had never failed you before but there’s always a first for everything, you guess.

You take a generous swig of sake. “Right, crackers are... good.” You’re mumbling at this point. “Ok, um, what about hobbies? Got any?” Please throw me a fucking bone here! Your mind is reeling but externally you try to act calm and composed, dabbing at the corner or you mouth delicately with a napkin.

“Oh yeah!” His face lights up. Oh thank god. “Do you like football? Me and my buddies at the office sorta formed this team, and we play against other departments. It’s really fun! You should come by and watch sometime!”

“Uh, sure!” Football. Huh. The last time you were anywhere near a football was when you met someone from your college team at a bar. Well he wasn’t holding a football per se, but that counts right? You only remember how much of a douche he was, trying to hit on one of the girls from your group after getting entirely too wasted.

“Awesome! I’ll hit you up when the next game is set!” It’s almost impressive how he doesn’t notice all the tension emitting from your body. In fact, you have a feeling he’s actually enjoying himself and your company.

The rest of the dinner goes by in the same manner. With him happily answering all your questions and you slowly discovering just how little you both have in common.

He is a gentleman though, that you can’t deny. When all the food has been cleared away he immediately swoops in to pay the bill, ignoring your insistence at paying for your half at least. He really isn’t a bad person, just the opposite. Besides your difference in interests, he is a sweet guy overall, and you do find him to be physically attractive. There’s just no spark, no silver lining that keeps you wanting more. When you both get out of your seats he offers to drive you back to your place but you politely decline. You say it’s because you don’t want to trouble him but in reality you need space for yourself to think.

As soon as you arrive home you take off your shoes and plop yourself down on the couch, running your hands through your hair. You check your phone, a few notifications from ‘Hazel’s Nuts’ popping up.

Scarlet: Do you think she’s done with her date yet??

Hazel: Hey Y/N how was it?

You had told them about this date beforehand and they were excited to root for you, which did bruise your ego a bit since it reaffirmed your unreturned attraction to them, but also prompted you to go through with it. This last notification was from 45 minutes ago but you couldn’t reply since you were still at dinner.

You: hi I just got back!

You don’t expect them to respond right away but to your surprise:

Scarlet: And???

You: it was meh

Hazel: That bad huh?

You: no nothing like that!

You: he’s really cute and all, it’s just we basically have nothing in common

Scarlet: Aww poor Y/N (sad emojis)

Hazel: Hey happens to the best of us

Hazel: Actually I wouldn’t know cause I’ve only been with fox boy

You: thanks anyway, i appreciate it Hazel

Maybe it’s cause you’re a little tipsy, or maybe you just feel so open and vulnerable around them tonight, but the next text you send is especially honest.

You: ughhh idk guys i’m just so lonely!!! why can’t things just work out for me for once! Like the first real date I go on in years and this happens :(

They don’t respond for a long time. So long in fact you start to get worried that you exposed too much about yourself.

15 minutes pass by but to you it feels like hours. You’ve already removed all your makeup and changed into your pajama shirt. You relocate to your bed, checking your phone again, thinking of a way to play off your last text as a joke when:

Hazel: If you’re so lonely maybe you could adopt?

You grin to yourself, glad that they’re not being judgmental. Their concern for you resets your mood.

You: ha ha you know my apartment doesn’t allow pets

You: but honestly if i could i would, cause i’d definitely get a little kitty

Hazel: I’m flattered

You: thanks but i meant a real cat

Hazel: Either way i’m flattered

Scarlet: HEY what about foxes??

You: pretty sure owning a pet fox is illegal here Scar

Scarlet: (angry emojis)

Hazel: You heard what the lady said

You: anyways i’m going to bed

You: thanks for making me feel better guys <3

Hazel: Anytime

Scarlet: But hypothetically if foxes weren’t illegal you’d get a pet fox right??

You: of course i would sweetie

Scarlet: (happy emojis)

Scarlet: Yay!!! Goodnight Y/N!

Hazel: Night Y/N

You: night boys

You wake up next morning on your own time, checking your phone to see that you slept in till 11am. Wow, you haven’t slept that well in a while. Maybe it’s the stress from the previous weeks of non stop working, or the pressure to maintain your composure last night, but either way you knocked out like a rock. You sit up, lean back, and stretch your arms as far as they can go.

Today you’re meeting Karli at her place up north. She couldn’t ask you about last night since she was occupied, her seven year anniversary with her boyfriend Sunny coinciding with your date. But she assured you a couple days ago over facetime that today was going to be a girl’s day, no boyfriend included.

“Hey!” Sunny had popped out of nowhere in the video when he heard the news, a look of mock shock on his face. “I live here too! So what, you're just gonna kick me out of the house and leave me on the streets to starve?”

“My god stop being dramatic!” Karli had shoved him playfully off the screen. “I need girl time with Y/N and it’s not girl time if you’re in the house.”

“I can be one of the girls! Right Y/N?” He sounded betrayed.

“I know you can but I’m not the one who makes the rules.” You pointed out.

He sighed. “You got me there.”

Since you’re just spending time at Karli’s and getting takeout, you felt zero need to dress up. You washed your face, threw on an oversized t-shirt some old hookup left at your place (hey it was cute) and some tights, and tied your hair out of your face. This entire process took less than 30 minutes and next thing you know you’re ready to head out.

You sent Karli a quick text, letting her know you’re on the way. You grab a bottle of prosecco, your purse, and keys, saying a quick goodbye to your roommate Ayah on your way out. She gives you a small wave, reminding you that she, yet again, has to leave today for a whole week. You backtrack to give her a quick goodbye hug, telling her to drive safe, before you take off.

Karli’s place isn’t as far as the beach coffeehouse you frequent, but it’s still located in the wealthier side of town. The drive lasts a good 20 minutes but it feels a lot faster since you spend the whole time singing along to your favorite songs.

You pull up to Karli’s apartment complex, driving yourself to the guest parking space. Her apartment building is pretty tall, with a distant, but gorgeous view of the beach. 

Karli squeals when she opens the door, immediately giving you a big hug. When you break apart you hold up the bottle of prosecco in your hand, waving it in front of her face.

“I know you have the ingredients here so let’s make some spritz!”

“Yay!”

Aperol spritz is your favorite at-home drink to make with Karli. She had gone on a short trip to Italy in the summer between her two years at grad school and tried the drink there, completely falling in love. She googled the recipe, made it for you one day, you had said “Oh FUck that’s good!”, and the rest is history.

She grabs the bottle and quickly relocates it to her kitchen. Her energy levels are sky high today and you wonder what’s got her so elated. She’s skipping everywhere she goes, there’s a permanent smile etched on her face, and she’s humming non stop as she pulls you away from the front entrance.

Sunny emerges from the hallway, two hands in the air in surrender.

“I’m heading out, I swear!”

Sunny is a big teddy bear of a man, with tattoos splayed across his arms and a well-kept beard. There’s a term you learned online called ‘lumbersexual’ and that’s exactly the word to describe Sunny. He almost reminds you of Jason Momoa, the actor who played Aquaman. Those who just meet him think he looks intimidating at first but once you get past his height and size, you see just how much of a softie he is. He’s also extremely intelligent, working somewhere in the computer industry developing software.

Karli bounds over to him and gives him a big snuggly hug and tiptoes all the way up to give a quick kiss to his lips.

“Have fun babe! Love you!”

“Love you too! Also bye Y/N!”

“Bye Sunny have fun!” You smile as he treads out the door.

You both head to the kitchen and start making your drinks.

“Aren’t you extra chipper today!” You mention as you pour a splash of club soda into your glass.

“Am I?” She doesn’t look at you, wearing a mysterious grin, stirring her mixture with a straw.

After you both finish making your drinks, you head to her living room and settle onto her plush sofa.

Karli yawns, almost too dramatically, covering her left hand over her mouth. You quirk your eyebrow at her, wondering why she’s acting so weird until you spot it. There’s something large, something shiny, on her left ring finger.

“Oh my god….” Your entire mouth hangs open. “Oh my GOD!!! Is THAT…?”

“Yep!”

“Did HE -?”

“Yep!!”

“AND YOU - ?

“YEP I DID!!”

“YOU’RE ENGAGED?!?!?!”

“I KNOW!!!!”

What happens after is a shriek rivaling that of a pterodactyl taking flight after spotting prey, except the sound is just the two of you screaming and jumping up and down in Karli’s living room.

You bring her into a tight hug, so emotional that you’re about to tear up. And you’re not one to cry that easily.

“I’m so happy for you!” You pull apart and wipe a stray tear from your cheek.

“Thank you! I’m so happy too!” Her smile is also a little watery. “Like I knew he was gonna do it soon since we’ve been together so long but I’m still shocked you know?”

“I know!” 

“And I’m sorry. Today was supposed to be me asking about your date last night.” She dabs at her eyes. “Bryce really likes you too. He even texted me thanking me for introducing you!!”

“Oh shit...” You take this chance to drink your Aperol spritz. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you. It’s true he’s cute but there was no spark.” You give her an apologetic grin, knowing she really wanted this to work out for you. “Like don’t get me wrong he’s super nice and stuff but I just couldn’t find anything we have in common. I can’t believe he’s still into me?!” 

“Aw I’m sorry babe.” She pouts. “I really did think you would be a good match.”

“It’s ok. Anyways,” you wave her off, bringing up the more important subject at hand. “I’d much rather talk about your engagement! Like, hello?? You’re getting married, girl!!

Another squeal. You really hope her neighbors don’t complain.

“I know!! I literally don’t know what to think!” She smiles wistfully, like she’s on cloud nine, then brings her attention back to you. “Also you’re the maid of honor and you can’t back out of that.”

“I would never!” You gasp dramatically, one hand clutching your chest.

“But don’t worry!” She sets her drink down. “The wedding’s not happening till next year at least. We don’t have to start planning till way later.”

The rest of the day you spend chatting to Karli, prompting her to spill every single detail about the proposal. Even though you have no need to help her plan a wedding just yet, you can’t hold back from offering some ideas that spring to mind.

“I got it!!” You shout.

“You got what?”

“Hear me out,” you may or may not be a little tipsy at this point. “Goth wedding!” You say with jazz hands. Then you reach down to take another sip of your drink.

“Hmm…” She pretends to think about the idea, then giggles. “And that’s enough prosecco for you.” Plucking the glass out of your hand, she transfers it to her kitchen sink.

A couple more hours roll by. You both decide to watch a cheesy Netflix horror movie to sober up, paired with the Mexican takeout you ordered. By the time the credits roll, the sun has long since set, along with your alcohol buzz. You check the time on your phone, deciding it’s best to head home since poor Sunny has been respectfully out and about all day, giving you your girl time.

You give Karli one last big hug, murmuring into her hair how happy you are for her situation. She walks you to the apartment elevator, where you proceed to blow her a swift kiss right before the doors close in your face.

Reality sets in the moment you’re alone. Your head swims with thoughts as you drive back. Most of them are happy about your best friend’s engagement but you can’t discount the little ugly bubble of jealousy that wells down deep in your gut, reminding you of your own current situation. It’s not until you reach home that you realize you didn’t even play music in the car.

Ayah has long since gone on her business trip by the time you arrive at your apartment. The whole place looks dark and unwelcome, only highlighting the emptiness you feel inside. You trudge to your room and slump onto your bed. You try to scroll through social media as a way to distract yourself but you’re met, instead, by all the pictures and posts of happy people, showing off their achievements or bragging about their seemingly perfect lives.

You immediately lock your phone and throw it onto the blanket, the stress and anxiety from the last few months building to a boiling point in your mind. Your biggest concern is you still haven’t figured out your lease situation, and you only have two more months to move out or find someone new. Ayah has tried her best to help you but she’s bombarded by business trips so no luck so far. You let out a small groan and bury your head in the pillow, deciding to sleep it off and worry about your problems tomorrow, even though it’s not even that late.

Right as you’re about to drift off into dreamland, your phone rings. You fumble around the covers until it’s in your hands and check that you have a facetime call from your two favorite boys.

Immediately your body jerks awake and you sit up, swiping the answer button.

“Hey guys!”

“Hi Y/N!!” Scarlet’s heart-shaped smile is taking up most of the screen but you can see a sliver of white and grey hair behind him.

Hazel elbows him out of the way. “Sorry were you sleeping?” He tilts his head, ears twitching. “Wait, it’s only 10 pm where you’re at. You never sleep this early.”

“No I wasn’t... I mean, yeah I was trying to sleep but…”

You sigh. It’s their faces. Just seeing them through a screen, their wide, innocent eyes blinking up at you, makes you want to spill everything.

You nibble on your bottom lip for a moment. “I was just kinda having an existential crisis so I decided to sleep it off. No biggie.”

Scarlet’s eyebrows furrow in concern. After only two months, he can already tell when something is off with your tone of voice.

“Y/N what’s wrong?” He looks up for a bit, pausing to think. “Was it the date last night?”

“The date?” Oh yeah the date. Yet another thing that didn’t go well. You totally forgot about that can of worms. “Not really… or actually kinda?”

You try to reorganize your jumbled mess of a brain and put your thoughts into words.

“So you know how I said I was going to Karli’s today?”

“Mhm,” they nod at you to continue.

“Well turns out she got engaged last night.”

“That’s awesome! I’m so happy for her!” Scarlet bounces a little, then quickly returns to a more serious tone. “But that doesn’t really answer my question.”

“Yeah I’m happy for her too.” And you genuinely are.

You pause for another moment, teetering on the edge of playing your emotions off like it’s no big deal or exposing all of your concerns yet again. Your need for an outlet to vent to wins in the end. For the first time you find yourself unable to confide in Karli because you want her to be happy and focus on the engagement rather than to be preoccupied with you. Before you know it, the words flow from your mouth like running water.

“It’s just that her announcement really brought me back to earth, and I started thinking a little too much about my own life.” You purse your lips. “I don’t know… I feel pretty selfish right now because she’s doing so well and I just can’t help comparing my life to hers. I’m so proud of her but it’s like everything in her life is coming together and I just want that for me also.” You throw your hands up in frustration, almost knocking the phone off from where it leans on your pillow. “I mean we’re the same age for god's sake! Why can’t I get my shit together??”

“Well you should be proud of yourself though,” Hazel cuts in. “Cause we are.” He gestures to Scarlet and himself.

“Yeah!” Scarlet chimes. “I mean you’ve got a full time job and a place to stay. I know you don’t feel like it’s the most ideal situation right now but please don’t discredit yourself.”

“Thanks guys.” You calm down a bit, but then you remember the whole issue with your apartment. Scratching the back of your neck, a habit you’ve picked up whenever you’re nervous, you say in a much smaller voice, “although my ‘place to stay’ might not last much longer.”

“What do you mean?” Both boys’ eyebrows are raised in confusion.

You realize you never mentioned your living situation to them, the topic always pushed to the back of your mind whenever they initiated conversation.

“Yeah.” A dry chuckle leaves your lips. “My lease ends soon and Ayah wants to move to a place of her own. And I have two months to figure out where to live or find another roommate.” You let out a frustrated huff. “She’s been so helpful but still no luck I guess.” You shrug in defeat.

You feel like a balloon that’s lost all its air, brain exhausted from running through all the problems in your life.

“Actually that’s pretty convenient for- ” Scarlet starts, but is elbowed again in the ribs by Hazel. “Ow!”

“Not yet!” The cat hisses quietly to him.

“Huh?” Now you’re confused. What in the world are they talking about?

Hazel turns back to you. “I’m really sorry about everything Y/N. If there’s anything we can do to help please let us know.” 

“Thanks buddy.” You offer him a small smile, choosing to ignore what just happened since they clearly don’t want to reveal anything just yet. 

Hazel then shifts to a more nervous stance, ears slightly flattening and both hands grabbing his floofy grey tail for comfort. It’s the cutest goddamn thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

“So Y/N, um, there’s a reason we called you tonight.”

You’re glad for a change in subject, a much needed distraction away from your downward spiraling thoughts.

“Oh right! Yeah. What’s up guys?”

Scarlet steps in front of him again, blocking most of the screen.

“We have a surprise for you!” He’s so close to the camera that you can only see half of his unblemished face but from the way his eyes crinkle, you can tell he’s giddy with anticipation.

“A surprise- ?”

“Yeah!!”

Hazel nudges himself into view again. “Quit hogging the whole screen fox! I swear to god next time we’re using the tv. I can’t see anything! Anyways,” he turns to you and smooths his shirt, expression back to stoic, “are you free next weekend?”

“I should be. Why?” You’re still a little lost on what the surprise is.

“Cause we’re coming back to town!” Scarlet blurts out.

“You are?!” Suddenly all your negativity melts away, replaced by excitement. Hard to believe just five simple words can shift your mood a complete 180°.

“But wait, there’s more!” You snort at how much Scarlet sounded like an infomercial just now.

“We’d like to invite you to dinner next Saturday night. If that’s ok with you?” Hazel isn’t as physically expressive as Scarlet but the hopeful shine in his eyes gives himself away.

You melt at his expression, heart rate speeding up. “Of course that’s ok! I’d love to!”

“Great!” He flashes one of his rare gummy smiles. “Saturday night. 7 pm. We’ll text you the details.”

“Yep!” Scarlet pipes in. “There’s something important we gotta ask- !” He lets out a small gasp, tail bristling, and clamps a hand over his mouth as if he just said something he shouldn’t have.

“What’s important?” You’ve gotta admit, your curiosity is at its peak right now, and it doesn’t help that they’re acting a little weird today.

Hazel rubs his temples in exasperation, groaning at Scarlet. “What part of ‘not yet’ did you not understand?” He then addresses you. “Sorry Y/N I promise we’ll tell you when we see you in person.” 

“Ok.” Cool. That’s fine. You’re a little nervous about what they have to say and it’ll be torture to wait but you’re a big girl and you can handle not knowing for a week. “I can’t wait to see you guys!!” you added.

“Me too!” Scarlet’s personality is so bubbly and contagious that you can’t help but smile back at him.

“Same.” Hazel lets out a small yawn. “Well we’re in a different time zone than you and it’s really late here so I gotta hit the hay.”

“Mk, go get your beauty sleep.” You give them a little wave. “And thanks for everything. I mean it.”

“No problem Y/N.” Scarlet also gives off a yawn, stretching his tired limbs. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

After ending the facetime call, you lie on your back, staring at the ceiling. Your mind is active once again, but this time it’s not clouded with self-deprecating thoughts. Instead, you spend the remainder of the evening theorizing about the ‘important’ things the boys have to tell you. Maybe you’ll finally find out their real names. Or maybe they’ll reveal something else about themselves, like why they’re constantly travelling, or what they actually do for a living. Either way you can’t wait for next Saturday to come around.

Previous | Next

[unforth]

Today in “random shit that got totally away from me,” I just wrote almost 6k of this nonsense instead of anything for Kinktober or my tweet fic. Oops.

So I started thinking about MDZS Harry Potter AUs. Yes, JK is a trash human being but eh HP does still hold a place in my heart so I don't mind putzing with it as long as I never again put another penny her pocket. Anyway, all the HP AUs I've seen seem to be focused on Hogwarts and who'd be in which house, that kind of thing, and it felt all wrong to me because the sects are different schools of thought...that's literally the point...so shouldn't they be different schools? And this is where I took that...this is really more like a fusion than an AU and I've butchered canon and how magic works for both HP and MDZS but oh well, here goes... 

(ships: WangXian, SangCheng, Luo Qingyang/Wen Qing, Xuanli until it’s not, Wen Ning/Jiang Yanli, and others)

Wei Wuxian is born a muggle, the child of a witch and a muggle who decide to leave the wizarding world and raise their child without the prejudices and problems that surrounded them and their relationship. However, the world catches up with them, and both die when Wei Wuxian is only 4 years old. He gets kicked into the foster system, and it takes over five years before he's finally brought to a family that seems to be long term - old friends of his mother's and, as he'll learn, old wizarding blood, the Jiang family. Wei Wuxian has shown no sign of being magical to that point but, then, he also had no idea that magic was a thing, and existed outside that paradigm completely. He learns right quick though. His new parents, Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian, are both powerful wizards, and their eldest daughter is already at Jinlin Tower, studying to follow on their footsteps. His foster brother, Jiang Cheng, talks excitedly and sometimes sneeringly about his own expectations of going, and that Wei Wuxian won't be. To say he's jealous would be an understatement, but more than that, he's sorely disappointed, because aside from his occasional arrogance, Jiang Cheng is the closest thing to a friend, the closest thing to family, he's ever had. His new parents are okay, he supposes...certainly better than some he's had...but Yu Ziyuan barely tolerates him and Jiang Fengmian's condescending form of affection isn't much better. Further, Wei Wuxian is old enough that he hears the rumors. People at Lotus Pier whisper that he's actually Jiang Fengmian's child, that JFM loved the witch Cangse Sanren and that he acted on that affection, possibly without her consent. How dark the rumors tended depended on who said them, and everyone made Wei Wuxian wish that he'd never been brought to Lotus Pier, even if he at least was no longer starving. 

Anyway. Events unfold, as they tend to do. Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng grow close. Jiang Yanli returns from school for holidays and Wei Wuxian quickly grows to adore her. When he's with his siblings he can forget how garbage the rest of his life is, and his hope for the future improves when he accidentally dyes Jiang Cheng purple from head to toe (after JC punched him because he called JC a grape). At first this seems like a dream come true - he can do magic, so he can go to the school! - but as seems to always happen in his life, the good news gets balanced by a heavy dose of bad, as the worst rumor mongers take this revelation as a sign that he couldn't have possibly had a muggle for a father, and their vituperation grows louder, and Yu Ziyuan's behavior grows more abusive. 

At least he'll get to leave. 

Except going also proves a mixed blessing, as the school is just as much a rumor factory as Lotus Pier is...heck, maybe more of one. The Jin family, also old blood, run the place, and teach according to their own principals. Virtually everyone there is from a long ancient line of wizards, and they all look down their noses at Wei Wuxian for being half blood, and he's bullied a lot, and Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli are bullied by extension, which is even worse. He does his best to keep his head down, but usually fails, since he can accept any amount of hatred heaped on his own head but refuses to stand down if his brother and sister are insulted. His repeated run ins with Jin Zixuan, heir to Jinlin Tower, affianced of Jiang Yanli, and tool douche bag incarnate especially lead to trouble, not because Jin Zixuan himself is so bad...he's a tool douche bag but he's essentially harmless...but his family is less so. His cousin Jin Zixun is especially vile, and the number of encounters with him that Wei Wuxian keeps secret lest Jiang Cheng learn and intervene and experience the same or worse is sizeable. 

Still, for all the bad, he's mostly happy at school and it's still better than being at Lotus Pier. Their classmates are from the Jin and the clans that follow them - it turns out the only reason the Jiang are there instead of at their own school is that it's part of the arranged marriage between Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli - and while the main clan is full of assholes, their followers include some damn good folk. Wei Wuxian develops an especially close friendship with Luo Qingyang. He also excels at magic, which eventually begins to pay dividends. The first couple years he's there, his classmates have all been doing magic since they were in their cradles and he's racing to catch up, but by the time he's 14, 15, 16, the playing field is more even and those who were cruel to him have mostly been visited by highly unpleasant pay back - if not from Wei Wuxian himself, then from Jiang Cheng or Luo Qingyang. 

His 6th year, when he's 17, is a big deal for several reasons. First, Jiang Yanli graduates...and immediately starts an internship at the school's infirmary, ostensibly because she's interested in medicine, actually because no one wants too much distance between her and Jin Zixuan. Speaking of whom, secondly...he's a jackass and a peacock but he has improved with age, and Wei Wuxian can almost tolerate him for short periods of time, especially because his doing so makes Jiang Yanli happy. Jin Zixun is still irredeemable but Wei Wuxian is unsurprised there. But the biggest event is that it's time for the biannual competition between the greatest sects in the world, and this time Jinlin Tower is hosting. Everyone who wants to participate may, and it's basically an Olympics for people in their 6th and 7th years - no one else is eligible. There are competitions in martial arts, wizarding duels, arranged battles against monsters, Night Hunts, races. Each competitor is scored based on their performance, and after each event, fewer people are able to advance to the next round, until the final event is a two-on-two-on-two-on-two battle between the top pairs from each school - Jinlin Tower, Cloud Recesses, Unclean Realm and Nightless City. If two from one school are still standing at the end (highly unusual, generally one is eliminated before the other) then they will fight to determine a final winner, who gets accolades, attention, a mess of flowers, a few medals, at least two marriage proposals...and respect, which is the only one of those things Wei Wuxian gives a shit about. 

Wei Wuxian is *determined* to be one of the two - and that Jiang Cheng will be the other. He can think of no better way to show up the haters, and anyway, it sounds fun as hell. 

The school year up until the start of the competition, held every spring, is dull dull dull, but finally the long awaited day arrives, and with it come the 6th and 7th years from the other schools and the teachers sent to chaperone them. Cloud Recesses arrives first, punctual to the second, and god are they a snooze fest. Their leader, Lan Qiren, drones on and on during his welcome speech, and his students all stand in lock step and hang on every boring word. When Wei Wuxian has the audacity to yawn, one in particular glares murder at him, and Luo Qingyang explains to him in a hurried whisper that that's the famous Lan Wangji, second son of the family, heir to Cloud Recesses, and widely considered the hands-down favorite to win the entire event. 

After them, the Unclean Realm contingent arrives, led by Nie Mingjue, youngest of the current school leaders. They seem very battle oriented, all heavily armed with more than just wands, except for a disinterested young man at Nie Mingjue's side - his brother, Nie Huaisang, Luo Qingyang helpfully explains. 

("How do you know all this??" Wei Wuxian hisses.) 

("Latest issue of Teen Witch did a profile on everyone favored to win from each school!") 

("...oh yeah? What'd they say about me?") 

("You weren't in there, dumbass, they profiled Jin Zixuan and Jin Zixun.") 

("And you trust them to be right about literally *anything* if they think those two are the favorites from here?") 

("Shut up, at least it means I know something about the competition we'll face.") 

("Will you *both* shut up?" interjected an exasperated Jiang Cheng, "because if not, I WILL curse you for the duration of the welcome...") 

Nie Huaisang is fun to watch, because he seems as bored as Wei Wuxian feels, and because he is high enough in the pecking order that no one gives him shit for it. Watching him is even slightly cathartic. But too soon, their school goes to their table - another vote in favor of the Unclean Realm, their welcome speech was short and to the point - and then the Nightless City students step up. Their leader is a sneering youth ("winner of the competition six years ago," Luo Qingyang supplies) named Wen Xu, son of the school's head, because they are so arrogant they didn't bother sending their headmaster. They’re also the only school to send two chaperones, and Wei Wuxian feels an instant connection with the other, an attractive young woman, because the murderous glare she directs at the back of Wen Xu's head is truly a thing of beauty, and grows more intense the longer he babbles bombast, arrogance and stupidity. 

Finally, the welcome ends, and the houses share a banquet. There are various "getting to know you" events scheduled, and a prom-like ball halfway through the competition. It’s interesting to see the relative sociability of the different groups as the events commenced. The Lans from Cloud Recesses, for example, keep almost entirely to themselves. They make minimal efforts to mingle but only because they’re expected to. The Nie, on the other hand, are incredibly happy to meet new people, and Wei Wuxian ends up friends with Nie Huaisang almost by accident - there was a bird, a curse backfire, a talking staircase and a gigantic bubblegum bubble involved but the less said in general the better - and it gives him hope for the future. His prospects of staying at Lotus Pier are dim - even if they wanted him there he didn't want to stay, especially after Jiang Yanli leaves for her wedding and Jiang Cheng launches into his duties as heir. Nie Huaisang likes him, and has influence at Unclean Realm, and hints more than once that they don’t share the prejudices of some of the other families since it’s well known they'd been founded by a late-blooming spellcasting muggle. Wei Wuxian is self-interested enough to forward the friendship even if he didn't enjoy Nie Huaisang's company...but he does, and that just makes it so much the better. 

The Wens from Nightless City, on the other hand, are a problem. They love to interact...if arrogance, condescension, aloofness and bullying can be called interacting. They don’t even spare members of their own family, and Wei Wuxian saw a lot of parallels to his own treatment at Jinlin Tower in how Wen Ning, Wen Chao's cousin and younger brother of the second chaperone, is treated. Wei Wuxian intervenes more than once to protect Wen Ning - from the other Wens, from Jin Zixun, even from a random Lan once. 

Thus do things stand when events finally start. They make for a weird clique - Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, Luo Qingyang, Nie Huaisang, and Wen Ning vaguely shadowing them while clearly trying not to get too close. In events where they can aid each other, they do. In events where they can’t, they at least try not to directly act against each other. Lesser names are quickly eliminated from the competition, and the leader board is mostly those who'd been expected, in part because a lot of clan members go out of their way to support their clans' favorite. Lan Wangji, that second Lan son from Cloud Recesses, leads in points, and that’s extra impressive since the Lan are the only clan that AREN’T cheating to help him get ahead. Lesser members of the Nie routinely act to help Nie Huaisang instead of themselves, which is especially absurd since Nie Huaisang himself seems indifferent. The Wen actively cheat, and are sanctioned for it three times, to forward Wen Chao, Wen Xu's younger brother and their clan's favorite. And the Jinlin Tower contingent strives to put Jin Zixuan on top...and Jin Zixun strives to unseat him. 

So, basically, it it’s all a huge mess, especially early on when the entirety of all four schools are involved. 

The first of Wei Wuxian's friend circle eliminated is Luo Qingyang. She takes it in stride even though it had been a bullshit technicality and Wen Chao's fault to boot, and immediately begins conspiring from outside the competition to help the others. Things proceed apace, event after event, and despite some obvious attempts by lesser Jinlin Tower folk to sabotage Wei Wuxian, he of course still does well, especially at the magical competitions. He hung on through a dismal showing against a giant dog (his phobia’s triggered and it’s one on one so no one can help him) thanks mostly to an exceptional performance during an transfiguration and enchantment event, that he won easily and to everyone's amazement, even beating the unparalleled Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng is doing well too, not exceptional at anything, but never near the bottom, either, which keeps him afloat, and it helps that he never does anything that sinks himself to float Jin Zixuan or Jin Zixun. The ball comes closer by the day, and the events are spaced farther apart later in the competition to give competitors time to heal and prepare, and as more people are eliminated, the ball becomes the premier talk of the group - what to wear, who to ask, who else has asked who and who has said yes and who has said no, all gossip all the time. Nie Huaisang seems especially invested, even though he hasn't been eliminated...he seems to find it fun, while giving zero information about his own intentions as regard a companion. 

Jiang Cheng asks a pretty Lan girl, and is turned down, and Luo Qingyang, and is turned down, and at least three other people, with no success. (Nie Huaisang whispers that this is because Wen Chao has threatened to hurt anyone who says yes to him...Luo Qingyang says it’s because Jiang Cheng is an idiot and a dick.) 

Luo Qingyang refuses to say who she’s asking, leaves to do it...and returns aglow, saying that the person she'd asked has said yes...but still won’t say who that is.

Wen Ning mumbles that a Jin girl he didn’t know had asked him, and he said yes, and he supposes it’ll be fine. It troubles all his friends, since he’s actually incredibly sweet, but that anyone at all asked him seems to be a shock, and that anyone else might do so - or that he might ask someone he liked, and they might say yes - both are apparently so implausible to Wen Ning that he won’t even consider it.

Wei Wuxian asks no one. It’s not that he doesn’t want a partner at the ball...he does, he supposes...but he can’t find the motivation. He’s worried he got eliminated during the last event, and he won’t find out until the banquet before the ball, when the final 16 competitors will be announced, and the uncertainty is making him jumpy and anxious. So, he dithers, and he supports his friends, and he messes with their enemies, and he takes a dilatory approach to preparing for the next event (a dragon hunt) that he may or may not have qualified for…

...and then Jiang Cheng takes him aside, like, “dude you’ve got to find *someone*!”

“Why?”

“ ‘Cause all of the top 16 need a date!”

“Then you’re boned, aren’t you…”

“So’re you! Anyway, you’re wrong, I’ve got someone.”

“I didn’t make it, a-di...I’m sure I didn’t…and wait, you do? Who is it?”

“Like I’d tell you.”

“You’re a damn liar, you ain’t go no one.”

“No, I’m set, but you’ll sure look like a dumbass if I’m right and you need a date…”

And, well, Jiang Cheng has a point...so Wei Wuxian keeps an ear to the ground, trying to figure out who is still available. The pickings are slim...there are a lot of hopeful younger students, but...no. Just no. At least a dozen people have asked Wei Wuxian, but he’s turned them all done, and now everyone seems to be paired...and then a few hours before the banquet, Luo Qingyang grabs him. 

“Pssst, I heard you need a date.”

“Why’re you whispering? Is it a secret?”

“Ask Lan Wangji.”

Wei Wuxian can only blink at her, because *what the actual fuck.* Lan Wangji is leading the competition, and he’s gorgeous, and yeah, he has a shit personality, but even so he must have had every single person in the school and every other school tripping over themselves to ask. Further, if there’s one person he will definitely say no to, it’s Wei Wuxian, because ever since that first time Wei Wuxian yawned during Lan Qiren’s shitty speech, Lan Wangji has hated him. During every meet and greet, during every event, whenever Wei Wuxian glances Lan Wangji’s way, Lan Wangji is glaring at him, scowling, like Wei Wuxian is a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe...and yeah that DID happen, it was part of the whole meeting Nie Huaisang debacle, but still, Wei Wuxian has been doing decently, and has tried to be nice to the guy, and nothing. Still, Luo Qingyang is incredibly persuasive when she wants to be, and finally, Wei Wuxian caves, if only to get her to leave him alone. Lan Wangji is easy to find, lingering in the common room assigned to his school, sitting and reading, still in the white robes he always wears (the girls all swoon at his miraculous ability to keep them pristine through every competition, and there are running bets on what it’ll finally take to stain them) and apparently indifferent to the frenetic preparations that those around him are hurrying through.

“Hey, Lan Wangji!”

Lan Wangji shoots that disdainful stare at him again.

“Heard you don’t have a date for tonight, is that true?”

Lan Wangji shrugs, eyes back on his book.

“You know all the top competitors need one, right?”

Lan Wangji shrugs again.

“So, you wanna go with me or what?”

The book crashes to the floor and Wei Wuxian is amazed to see Lan Wangji...react? To literally anything? Ever? By looking stricken, and surprised, and taken aback, and maybe a little horrified?

“Ugh, fine, well if my proximity offends you that bad...at least I can tell Luo Qingyang I tried.” And Wei Wuxian manages his own shrug, turns to walk away...and a hand on his shoulder stops him. Turning...there’s Lan Wangji, eyes wide, lips slightly parted, long hair swooping about his shoulders, crap is he pretty, no wonder he’s got half the school in love with him, no wonder he only finds flaws with Wei Wuxian, just like everyone else, no wonder--

“Seriously?”

...what?

Wei Wuxian nods slowly and Lan Wangji’s expression softens.

“Thought you and she were a couple.”

Shocking thing the first: Lan Wangji spoke. Shocking thing the second: Lan Wangji touched him. Shocking thing the third: Lan Wangji has paid enough attention to Wei Wuxian to have drawn conclusions about his love life. Shocking thing the fourth: Lan Wangji apparently has a personality of some kind? Shocking thing the fifth: Lan Wangji certainly doesn’t appear to hate him??

Too confused to speak, Wei Wuxian shakes his head.

“I would be pleased to go to the ball with you.”

Shocking thing the sixth: Lan Wangji ACTUALLY WANTS TO GO WITH HIM.

The entire common room goes still, apparently everyone else is as shocked as Wei Wuxian, and then they break into congratulatory hurrahs.

“Whelp, good, okay then,” Wei Wuxian manages, still too asea to have any idea what the hell just happened. “Guess I’d better go get ready. You too. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

The banquet opens with Jin Guangshan rising and pompously announcing who the top 16 are - among them, Wen Chao and Wen Ning both have made it, and Lan Wangji of course, and Nie Huaisang, and the four from the Jin are Jin Zixuan, Jin Zixun, Jiang Cheng, and Wei Wuxian. He’s so amazed he can only stand, and he glances to Lan Wangji...and gets a smile in return??? And what has his day become he has no idea what’s going on!!

After the meal, the first dance is called, and the way people pair off prompts scads of whispers. Jin Zixuan is the obvious one, of course he’s with Jiang Yanli, and neither looks particularly happy about it. Jin Zixuan keeps glancing toward a Nie girl that Wei Wuxian doesn’t know, and if Wei Wuxian didn’t know better (and after the day he’s had, he’s genuinely not sure if he DOES know better) he’d think that Jiang Yanli kept glancing to Wen Ning. Jiang Cheng gives Wei Wuxian a smirk as he and Nie Huaisang go out hand in hand, only to have it fade into stunned wide eyed WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKness when Wei Wuxian goes out with Lan Wangji. It’s clear almost immediately that neither actually knows how to dance, but they both know how to fight, and it sort of translates, and things actually go pretty well.

Dancing with Lan Wangji is nice.

Being near Lan Wangji is nice.

The soft timber of Lan Wangji’s voice on the rare occasions he speaks is nice.

The whole evening is...really surprisingly nice. Memories of all the times Lan Wangji looked at him come back...why WAS Lan Wangji always looking at him? Clearly, Wei Wuxian has mixed everything up monumentally, and he’s starting to wonder if Luo Qingyang suspected as much when she sent him on what he’d thought a wild goose chase, but there’s no asking her, because as soon as the floor opens to the general group so everyone can dance, she’s on the floor with Wen Qing, of all people - it hadn’t even occurred to Wei Wuxian that he could ask a chaperone - and the two are staring adoringly into each other’s eyes and Wei Wuxian would think it insane and weird except that once or twice he realizes he’s kinda sorta maybe vaguely giving Lan Wangji a similar look and what even is his life?

They end up kissing outside the Lan’s common room.

Wei Wuxian has no idea what’s going on but he’s not at all unhappy with the turn of events.

The last couple events are incredibly difficult, the moreso because Wen Chao and Jin Zixun have each either collaboratively or independently decided that this is their last chance to try to get their fiercest competition eliminated. Jin Zixuan loses the next one badly, and Nie Huaisang also seems only too pleased to bow out. The other Wens team up against Wen Ning and he’s eliminated, and almost badly injured, and then they move on Wei Wuxian, and he only holds on by the skin of his teeth...and, he comes to suspect, because Jiang Cheng did something, because that’s the only explanation he’s got for why Jiang Cheng is eliminated even though Jin Zixun bombed one of the events. Eventually, the final 8 are chosen…

Wen Chao and some other Wen.

Lan Wangji and some other Lan.

Two random Nies.

And Jin Zixun and Wei Wuxian.

Intent on preparing even though he knows Jin Zixun hates him, Wei Wuxian approaches him. They’re supposed to work together against the other six, after all...but Jin Zixun won’t even talk to him, so Wei Wuxian assumes he’s actually on his own and does his own preparation. That morning, he’s absolutely sick to his stomach. Rumor is that some students have died in the duels before. It’s no holds barred, no spells off limits, even an Unforgivable Curse would be allowed if someone actually knew one. Weapons, sword-flying, everything is allowed. Wei Wuxian has his sword Suibian, his flute and his wand when he joins the others. They all look fidgety, and the only one who spares Wei Wuxian a glance is Lan Wangji, and he looks concerned. They’ve spent time together as they’ve been able, but it’s been little enough, the event occupying most of their time, and Wei Wuxian was in the hospital for a week after the last event with no visitors allowed. 

“Be careful out there,” Lan Wangji murmurs to him, giving his hand a squeeze, and Wei Wuxian can only return the sentiment, but he’s not worried. Lan Wangji has led the competition since day one, and leads it still, and everyone is assuming he’ll win, presumably with his white robes still pristine.

Finally, the final duel starts, and Wei Wuxian realizes immediately that it’s so much worse than he feared, when the Wen opposing Wen Chao eliminates himself, and Jin Zixun ignores all foes to immediately turn on Wei Wuxian, and he loses track of what the others are doing because fighting Jin Zixun takes all his focus. Jin Zixun has been training for this his whole life, and he’s a year older, and whereas Wei Wuxian doesn’t actually particularly want to harm him, Jin Zixun’s every action makes it clear he couldn’t care less if he kills Wei Wuxian. It’s as hard a battle as anything he’s ever done, and it’s only when Wei Wuxian stops pulling his punches (he can hear his friends screaming at him that he’s an idiot from the sidelines) that he finally FINALLY wins.

But the cost has been high.

His qi is depleted. His body aches. He’s bleeding from multiple wounds and from the mouth. Suibian has been tossed from the competition area, and his wand is broken, leaving him with only Chenqing. And he’s got no idea who else is left, who might yet be in his way…

...and oh god, is he going to have to fight Lan Wangji? He won’t do it, no matter what…

...and he takes a step back, and Wen Chao’s voice shouts - he must have been lurking, waiting for the end of Wei Wuxian’s battle, knowing whoever won would be weakest and least on guard immediately after - and the word cruciatus echoes across the suddenly silent arena, and Wei Wuxian squeezes his eyes shut in preparation for agony...and it never comes. 

He opens his eyes.

Lan Wangji stands before him, panting with effort, his guqin before himself, his fingers on the strings as he uses his own qi to catch the Unforgivable curse and contain it. The effort of it is clearly great; a cough spurts blood from Lan Wangji’s mouth, staining red down the front of his pristine white robes, but he doesn’t give up, and Wen Chao’s expression contorts as he tries and tries to force the spell through Lan Wangji’s resistance...and then it explodes in Wen Chao’s face, and he screams as the backfire casts the spell on himself.

“Wen Chao - eliminated!”

Lan Wangji collapses to his knees, spells evaporating in a swirl of blue motes. His wand falls to the ground near Wei Wuxian’s feet, and he uncertainly picks it up. It feels odd in his hands, but he’s sure he could cast with it.

“Why?” whispers Wei Wuxian.

“I couldn’t let him hurt you.”

“Who’s left?”

“You and me.”

And this is it - his moment. Lan Wangji is hurt, down, bloody and muddy. Wei Wuxian is exhausted and hurt, but he’s up, and he’s got Chenqing, and he could do plenty with it even if he doesn’t want to use Lan Wangji’s wand...and why wouldn’t he want to use the wand?...Wei Wuxian could get everything he wants, the prize, the respect, the marriage proposals, everything...but Lan Wangji couldn’t let Wen Chao hurt him, and Wei Wuxian can’t possibly, can’t FATHOM, hurting Lan Wangji.

“I’m out,” he shouts to the judges.

“Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian will engage in a wizard’s duel to determine a final winner.”

“I won’t,” Wei Wuxian bellows back.

“Eliminate me,” Lan Wangji whispers, for his ears alone. “I always knew you were going to beat me.”

As if that’s not the craziest shit Wei Wuxian has ever heard.

“You’re the brightest young master of our generation, Lan Wangji...it was always going to be you.” And Wei Wuxian realizes he means that in so many more ways than merely as regards the competition.

Because Wei Wuxian feels so much more toward Lan Wangji than he’d ever imagined he could toward anyone, much less toward the supposedly cold and indifferent and aloof Second Young Master Lan.

“Very well,” Wei Wuxian murmurs. Lan Wangji closes his eyes. “Petrificus totalus!” Wei Wuxian shouts...and aims the wand at his own feet.

And the next thing he’s aware of, he’s in the infirmary, and Jiang Yanli and...Wen Qing and Wen Ning???...are there, and Wen Qing is leaning over him while the other two have a hushed conversation across the room. Six of the seven other finalists are there as well - the self-eliminated Wen didn’t hurt himself badly enough to need the hospital - and Wen Qing is roughly jabbing at a pierced wound in his side, ignoring his grimace and soft protest.

“You’re all idiots, and this is all stupid, and I have no idea why any of the schools sanction this insanity, and you shut your face, Wei Wuxian, and let me do my job…” 

He can’t really argue with her. Everything hurts too much anyway.

So Lan Wangji is awarded winner, but given that he spends that night in Wei Wuxian’s arms, Wei Wuxian is pretty sure that he’s the actual winner. He got his respect, too - beating Jin Zixun one on one impressed a LOT of people, and before the houses all leave to go back to their own clans, Nie Mingjue offers him a job post-graduation, and Jiang Cheng gets all offended since obviously Wei Wuxian will be working for him, and Lan Wangji promises to send him owls every day, and Wei Wuxian lies through his teeth when he assures Lan Wangji that he’ll do the same (it’s not a lie because he doesn’t want to, but because he knows he’s not a fraction well enough organized to actually pull something like that off), and Wen Qing and Luo Qingyang exchange tearful farewells...and Wen Ning stays, which is surprising and excellent, and in amazingly short order, things go back to normal…

...except they never quite go back to normal.

Because Jin Zixuan breaks off his engagement to Jiang Yanli, announcing that he’s too in love with that Nie girl who’s name Wei Wuxian still doesn’t know to consider marrying simply to satisfy his family.

And because as soon as she’s at liberty to do so, in front of the entire assembly, Jiang Yanli stalks across the room, grabs the front of Wen Ning’s robes, and hauls him into a kiss.

And because Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng solve the “which clan gets to keep Wei Wuxian” problem by announcing their own engagement.

And because Jin Zixun graduates at the end of the year, and as soon as he’s gone all the Jin who used to torment Wei Wuxian sheepishly apologize and say Jin Zixun made them - themselves or Wei Wuxian - and while he doesn’t forgive them their abuses, he can at least tolerate being their classmates.

And because Luo Qingyang announces that she’s renouncing the Jin clan, and that she and Wen Qing are planning to ride off into the sunset and start their own clan with two well known independent wizards of their acquaintance, Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. They pointedly suggest that Wei Wuxian go with them.

And because Lan Wangji keeps his promise and sends Wei Wuxian a letter every day, and Wei Wuxian - wonder of wonders - succeeds in replying daily, by giving up on the idea of sending letters and instead sending drawings. Lan Wangji loves the idea of joining the new sect.

And because, after graduation, when Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng try to claim him, they find themselves beaten to the punch, because Lan Wangji has already got him heart, soul, body and mind. The two begrudgingly conceded that Lan Wangji can marry him, as long as he’ll continue to be part of all three clans, and help with enchantments and Night Hunts and whatever else.

Wei Wuxian is shocked to find himself so wanted, and does everything he can to satisfy all the claims on him.

It’s a way better life than Wei Wuxian had ever dared to hope for.

And he’s got every reason to think it’s only going to get better and better.

[loyolahcmass]

Homily on Righteous by Juice WRLD

Here is the preview of Fr. Rossi’s homily about the song Righteous by Juice WRLD:

Fighting to be “Righteous”

Juice WRLD

 “Under attack, in my soul

When it's my time, I'll know

Never seen a hell so cold

Yeah, we'll make it out, I know

We'll run right through the flames, let's go.”

                                                                          “Righteous” Juice WRLD

 Jarad Anthony Higgins, known professionally as Juice WRLD, may be gone, but his spirit lingers. 

 The rapper and songwriter from Chicago died in December 2019 at age 21 after suffering a seizure. 

 The cause of death was later revealed to be an accidental overdose.

__________

 His music continues on as well. 

 At midnight on April 24, the rapper's first posthumous single, "Righteous," was released alongside a video.

 That video takes you on quite an emotional ride.

__________

 The visual splices together footage from Juice WRLD's short but eventful life.

 We see him working in the studio, performing onstage, kissing his girlfriend, and smiling a lot. 

 The second half of the vid turns into an animated adventure, in which Juice fights his demons before leaving Earth and flying into the galaxy. 

 The clip ends with the words "Legends Never Die" scrawled across the screen.

__________

 As for the song itself, it's a mellow, melodic number that's packed ironically with references to pills, demons, and "anxiety the size of a planet." 

 It's tough to get through, but essential listening because of its message.

 But especially when paired with the video, it's a nice reminder of Juice WRLD's undeniable compassion and artistry that came out of his afflictions.

__________

 Fittingly, "Righteous" was announced in a tweet from the rapper's family. 

 They wrote, "Juice was a prolific artist who dedicated his life to making music. 

 “Choosing how to share his upcoming music with the world has been no easy feat. 

__________

 “Honoring the love Juice felt for his fans while shining a light on his spirit are the most important parts of this process to us.

 “We are releasing a song called 'Righteous,' which Juice made from his home studio in LA. 

 “It was very close to his heart.

 “We hope you enjoy this new music and continue to keep Juice's spirit alive."

__________

 Earlier, Juice's mother, Carmela Wallace, announced the establishment of the “Live Free 999 Fund”. 

 The fund will provide access to education, prevention, and treatment options for opioid addiction and other forms of drug abuse.

 “I was aware of his struggles with addiction, anxiety, and depression.

__________

 “We had many conversations about his challenges with these issues. 

 “I know he truly wanted to be free from the demons that tormented him. 

 “Now I'm going to share his struggles with the world with the objective of helping others."

__________

 That’s what Juice’s positive message of 999, which featured on his merch, as well as in his music, sought to capture.

 “999 represents taking whatever hell, whatever problems, whatever bad situation, whatever struggles you’re going through and turning them into something positive.

 “It’s the power of God. 

 “Use it to push yourself forward,” Juice told MTV in 2018.

__________

 999 is the opposite of 666, which is the "Number of the Beast" in modern popular culture.

 666 has become one of the most widely recognized symbols for the Antichrist or, alternatively, the devil. 

 The number 666 is used to invoke Satan.

 By employing 999, Juice was asking God to intercede for him in his struggles in life, especially his battles with drugs.

__________

 His honesty about his own trials unlocked the door for fans, friends, and peers to heal from their own wounds and become better versions of themselves. 

 This is powerfully conveyed in the track “Righteous”.

 The title of this song points to the idea of Juice WRLD wanting to “feel righteous”. 

__________

 Righteousness is one of the chief attributes of God as portrayed in the Bible. 

 Its chief meaning concerns ethical conduct  

 In the Book of Job, the title character is introduced to us as a person who is perfect in righteousness.

__________

 Within the context of the song's lyrics, this actually alludes to the rapper rockin’ an “all-white Gucci suit,” with white being the color most often associated with pious living.  

 But outside of that reference he doesn’t present himself as virtuous or blameless. 

__________

 In fact, most of the lyrics actually center on his sense of helplessness and stress when abusing drugs. 

 In the first verse he plainly acknowledges the inherent dangers in his habit. 

 “Righteous” is based on the theme of internal turmoil; he feels constrained to resort to drugs even while trying to have recourse to God.

__________

 “The last shall be first.”

                       Gospel of Matthew

 Jesus tells us that God takes the initiative in seeking us out, especially when we are feeling lost.

 In other words, God continues to love us in spite of our sins and weakness.

 I think Juice was aware of this.

 Even in the muddled and confused state he was often in, he insisted on using his symbol for God and goodness, 999, at the very heart of his message to us and to himself.

__________

 Speaking about this, I have to comment on the picture for the track "Righteous".

 It portrays the animated character of the rapper putting on an all-white robe with the number 999 on it.

 This is noteworthy for someone like Juice who was raised as a Bible-Christian.

__________

 God loves His creation and he fashioned it good.

 But sin corrupted it.

 He has a plan to return it to its original state of perfection, and He will reward those who help Him carry out this plan.

 Those people are the “white-robed army”.

__________

 Juice wasn’t claiming that he was righteous by wearing white.

 But righteousness was something to which he aspired.

 He wanted to walk with Jesus, and he was trying as hard as he could to keep up.

__________

 Remarkably, in his overwhelming struggles with drug addition, he wasn’t just thinking of himself.

 He was reflecting on us as well.

 Just listen again to these lyrics of “Righteous”.

 “Yeah, we'll make it out, I know.”

  That’s

HIS

legacy and

OUR

hope.

[thirteen-beaxhes]

Well This is Egg-celent (Tyrus One Shot)

Summary: TJ jokingly left a comment on Cyrus Goodman’s Tweet, and got an unexpected response.

Words: 4248

AO3 LINK IN REBLOG

~~~~~~~~~

“Hope you guys enjoyed this one! I loved the concept and had a blast making it with all my friends. I will see you all again, with another ridiculous to execute idea!” And the screen went black, the boxes of Youtube’s recommended videos popping up.

TJ laughed slightly at the end, using the back of his hoodie sleeve to wipe his nose, ignoring the tears streaming down his face. No stopping them clearly. But he was happy for the short break from his spiralling mind, for the brief respite.

Thank god for Cyrus Goodman’s films and videos, he thought to himself with a sigh, pushing his laptop back onto the bed which he had currently been lying on for two days straight. Amber had been walking in every now and then, desperately trying to get TJ to do something, anything, to try and not have him sink further into his emotions.

That worked about as well as one could imagine.

Drawing a shaky breath, TJ brushed off some of the cookie crumbs on his hoodie, accidentally kicking the empty ice cream carton off the bed. Oh well. He looked around his room to find it resembling the scene of a tornado hitting it. But he just couldn’t get himself to clean it. In that state, the chaos was comforting to him.

He picked up his phone, rubbing his stinging eyes as he opened Instagram. He clicked on the first Story, not even checking the name. He just wanted to let them play, giving some background noise as he just stared blankly at his screen. But, he jerked his head forward as soon as he heard that oh, so familiar voice.

Louis.

TJ gulped, his throat suddenly dry. He held his phone up with both his hands, peering at the screen, looking at the boy who had walked into his life a year ago and had stolen his heart, and who had left nothing but a stain on the carpet when he ran away with its broken pieces 3 days ago. He was at the bowling alley, hugging another boy TJ hadn’t seen before by the shoulders, laughing, his smile radiant. Having the time of his life.

Hoor-fucking-ray.

Tears filled up his eyes, as he immediately exited the stories, slamming his phone down onto the bed. He sniffed, unable to stop  some stray ones from falling, the drops staining his hoodie.

He just hadn’t been good enough for him, that was it, TJ thought to himself, picking up his phone again, very pointedly avoiding Instagram. That’s why he was able to move on so fast. That, and the circumstances of their actual break up.

TJ took a deep breath, opening Twitter to absent-mindedly scroll through his account. He made it a point to stick to his stan account, knowing that it was the only social media where he wasn’t following a certain someone. He let out a small breath every time he came across a meme, just trying to lose himself to the endless scrolling.

A few minutes later, a notification popped up with the tweeting of a bird. TJ narrowed his eyes, scrolling up and letting a small smile come up on his face.

@CyGoodman_ : i’m in an irrationally vengeful and havoc-wreaking mood now

TJ laughed quietly, shaking his head slightly at the tweet. He could just imagine Cyrus standing with a sledgehammer ready to total someone’s car. He focused more on the Cyrus part than the car, but no one needed to know that.

Maybe it was the mood he was in, or maybe TJ was just too tired. But soon enough, he found himself typing out a reply and posting it, before he was able to register what exactly he had just said.

@filmsaregoodman : haha great maybe you can help me egg my idiot ex’s house this weekend then

Why did he say that?! Cyrus was going to think he was so weird!! TJ thought to himself in a panic, taking short breaths as he clicked on the button to delete it, but he stopped himself.

He would never see it, given the flood of replies, he rationalised. Besides, he just saw someone ask him to meet them in an abandoned building with a pickaxe so he definitely didn’t have to worry about being too weird.

TJ just groaned, shutting off his phone and plugging it into his charger as he turned onto his side. He just needed to sleep and focus on trying and actually getting up the next day, he thought as he pulled the sheet over himself.

*

The beeping of his alarm drilled into TJ’s brain, and he groaned as he rolled over onto his back, pinching the bridge of his nose. Who invented the concept of time? TJ just wanted to have a kind word with them.

As he blindly reached for his phone, TJ was also hit with the unimaginable stench of his room, courtesy of him not having showered. He winced at that, making a mental note to go crazy on the deodorant. He opened his phone, clicking on the Twitter app. Nothing extraordinary seemed to have happened, but when TJ looked through his messages, his eyes caught a name and he yelped loudly, falling off his bed in an unceremonious crash.

“TJ!” Amber yelled, running into the room, holding a spatula. She saw TJ breathing heavy on the floor, muttering wildly to himself. She walked up to him and smacked him on the head with the spatula. “What happened?!”

“Why do you have a spatula?!” TJ asked incredulously, rubbing his head.

“Cuz I thought you were being attacked!”

“So a spatula was your best weapon? You were literally in the kitchen! With knives!”

“Well, I’m sorry if I grabbed the first weapon I could find! And we are getting off track!”

“Okay so,” TJ said loudly, before holding up his phone in excitement. “Cyrus Goodman DM’ed me!”

“What?!” Amber yelled excitedly, dropping the spatula on the floor as she jumped next to TJ. “What? How?”

TJ explained the Tweets from the previous night and then held his phone up to her, showing her the message. Amber pulled the phone to her, peering at the message in confusion.

“Hey! This is so weird and may seem stalkerish ahhhh but I saw your reply to my tweet so I wanted to ask: can I have your address?? I swear I won’t send a hitman to your house!” Amber read out, narrowing her eyes in confusion. “Well, that’s strange.”

“I know but, he messaged me!” TJ squealed, but soon he looked at her in confusion. “What do I say? What does he want my address for? Maybe he wants to send something? Oh my god, how do I look?”

Amber laughed, shaking her head as she got up, patting him on the shoulder. “I don’t know bro, you need to figure that out.” With that, she walked out of the room, yelling that she would be back from work late that day.

TJ sighed as Amber left, hiding his head in his hands.

He could draft a message to his favourite creator no problem, right?

Yeah, right.

*

Despite his five hundred mental breakdowns over trying to type a single word to Cyrus Goodman, the next couple days passed relatively normally. Amber finally managed to shove TJ out of bed, forcing him to go to work at the coffee shop where Marty was extremely concerned at his disappearance. Life returned to normal, and if TJ shied away from his phone and social media, and just smiled amicably at guys who tried to hit on him, no one said a word. The messages and tweets slipped out of his mind almost completely.

It was now Friday, and TJ groaned as Amber walked up to him, modelling yet another dress as she prepared for her date that night.

“You sure you’ll be okay at home?” Amber asked, concerned, as she looked at herself in the mirror.

“Yes Amber, I’ll be perfectly fine,” TJ said, laughing slightly.

“Okay,” she said, slightly unsure. But soon, she grabbed her handbag and left, flashing a small smile of nervousness before she left.

After she had gone, TJ slumped into the couch, grabbing the popcorn and ice cream he had abandoned as Amber asked him opinions on all her outfits for her date. He opened Netflix, hugging a pillow as he clicked play on ‘Always be my Maybe’, telling himself he was only watching for Keanu Reeves, not at all because he was lonely and rom-coms were his only shot at romance in his life.

He was more than halfway through the movie, and past the point of being civil as he ate, stuffing popcorn into his mouth as tears rolled down his cheeks. It wasn’t even that the movie was sad, but he was just having one of those movie nights. Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. Narrowing his eyes, TJ brushed off some popcorn kernels, confused at who could it be. Not Amber, unless her date went bad.

Probably their neighbour about sugar, TJ sighed, as he pushed himself off the couch and rubbed his eyes as he shuffled to the door.

“Sorry mate, no sugar,” TJ said, before looking up and gasping.

Cyrus. Goodman.

What happened next, TJ wasn’t at all proud of. He screamed and slammed the door shut.

What the? How the? Why was Cyrus Goodman at his doorstep? TJ thought wildly, running a hand through his hair. He jerked his head up in shock.

He had just slammed the door on him!

TJ took a deep breath, keeping his eyes squeezed shut as he opened the door, with what he could only assume was a sheepish expression on his face.

“Hey,” Cyrus said softly, and TJ could’ve practically melted on the spot. “I thought for a second I had the wrong house or something,” he said, giving a small laugh that could’ve made angels sing. “Are you, Theo?”

“Y-Yeah,” TJ whispered, finally looking up, but immediately looking back down at his feet because oh my god Cyrus Goodman was standing at his doorstep. “Actually, TJ.”

“What?”

“Call me TJ. I just use Theo on Twitter so people don’t know who I am,” TJ said sheepishly, finally forcing himself to look at Cyrus.

He looked amazing, obviously. He was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt and dark jeans. But TJ furrowed his eyebrows when he looked down, noticing the three toilet paper rolls and three egg cartons tucked under Cyrus’ arm.

“Um, what’s that?” TJ asked, pointing at the questionable supplies. Cyrus looked confused, but looked down at his arm and understood.

“Oh! Yeah, I didn’t wanna bother you with the supplies, so I got them myself!” he said happily, pulling TJ out of the house by the hand. “Come on, we don’t have much time.”

“T-Time? For, for what?” TJ stammered out, unable to concentrate on anything other than the fact that he was practically holding Cyrus’ hand. Cyrus tilted his head to one side.

“To teach your ex a lesson,” Cyrus said simply, with a smile that teased I thought that was obvious.

A wave of realisation hit TJ, and he dropped his jaw open. “I was, I was joking.”

“Well, I’m not. Come on, it’ll make you not cry,” Cyrus said softly, reaching up to wipe away a tear that was on TJ’s cheek with his thumb. His hand lingered by TJ’s face, and god, if that was what it felt like to have your breath taken away, TJ never wanted to breath ever again.

Before he knew it, TJ was slipping on shoes and grabbing the keys out of the cat bowl he and Amber had stolen from their parents’ house when they moved out, shutting the door behind him as he followed Cyrus out the door.

Now that they were outside, walking on the streets, TJ was confronted by the fact that this was real. There he was, walking down the street with someone whose work he had admired for so long, who he may or may not think was breathtaking to look at, and they were walking with him to John’s house, to egg and TP it. Even dreams couldn’t come up with something this wild. But it was real, the chill in the night air, his visible breath in the air, everything was real.

“Let me hold something,” TJ said, trying to grab some of the things from Cyrus, but he moved away.

“No no, let me,” he said with a smile. “Least I could do.”

“Well, you’re doing more than you had to already. It’s all I could do.”

“Still. I wanna do this.”

TJ smiled, shaking his head slightly. He looked ahead, catching glimpses of Cyrus in his peripheral vision every now and then. He could also feel Cyrus looking at him every so often, and that made TJ’s cheeks flush, but if anyone noticed, he’d blame it on the cold.

Finally, after some minutes of silence and of Cyrus looking at him, TJ caved and turned to Cyrus. “What? Did I leave ice cream on my face?” he asked nervously, reaching up to wipe whatever it was away.

“No no,” Cyrus said, raising his eyebrows in amusement. “It’s just, I can’t imagine someone being stupid enough to let someone like you go.”

That comment was enough to turn TJ into a blushing mess, his heart doing the foxtrot in his chest. “I mean, I’m not that great.”

“That’s insane! We’ve exchanged like, 5 sentences, and I know that if you were with me, I’d never let you go.”

TJ choked, disguising it as a cough. What what what, did he say if TJ were with him. Hold the phone, he was dying. Tell Amber that he died as he lived, gay.

Cyrus just laughed quietly, bumping his shoulder with TJ’s. “Sorry, too much?”

“No no! Not at all,” TJ exclaimed, turning to look at him. “I just, no one’s said that before.”

“I can’t believe that,” Cyrus said, and TJ had to keep his eyes trained to the ground, knowing that hiss face was burning up.

They walked down the street in silence for some more time, before Cyrus looked at TJ.

“If you don’t mind telling me, why do you want to egg your ex’s house?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

TJ sighed, looking up at the sky, few stars visible in the sky. Fitting. “We’d been dating for 8 months, but I always felt like I was giving more than he ever was. And then I found out two weeks ago, that he was cheating on me,” he said quietly.

“That’s horrible TJ,” Cyrus said quietly. TJ just scoffed.

“Worst part, I knew that’s the kind of guy he was. And yet, I thought I could be the exception.”

“It’s not your fault,” Cyrus said comfortingly, placing a hand on TJ’s shoulder.

TJ just smiled appreciatively. He looked to his left and stopped, taking a deep breath.

“What is it?” Cyrus asked, stopping beside him.

‘We’re here,” he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Well then,” Cyrus said, with a mischievous smile as he set down the cartons and pulled out two eggs. He handed one to TJ and kept one with himself. “On the count of three then.”

TJ smiled nervously up at Cyrus. “One.”

“Two,” Cyrus said with a smile, coming closer to TJ.

And with twin smiles, they looked at each other. “Three.”

*

“That was insane,” TJ said with a smile, running a hand through his hair, but realising too late that there was egg yolk on his fingers. “Ugh!”

Cyrus was laughing, doubled over. TJ looked over, unamused.

“Haha. Thanks Goodman.”

“Hey,” Cyrus said, holding his hands up. “Did it help or not?”

“Actually,” TJ said, looking away thoughtfully. “It did.”

“See? Vengeance tastes sweet.”

“More like tastes like an impending salmonella infestation.”

Cyrus rolled his eyes, shoving TJ in the shoulder. But then, his expression grew softer. “You sure you’re okay?”

And when TJ thought about it, he was surprised to find himself nodding. Cyrus let out a sigh of relief, looking at his watch.

“Well, 2 am is no time to go home but I’ll try my luck,” he said with a tired smile. “I had fun, TJ.” And with that, Cyrus began walking away, but TJ called out to him.

“Hey!” he said, running up slightly to him. “If you want, you can stay over at my place.”

Cyrus raised his eyebrows slightly, and TJ tried to explain himself nervously. “Well, it’s late. And it’s the least I could do after you came all this way.”

“I literally live across town, TJ,” Cyrus said with a giggle. “But okay, I’ll take you up on that offer. Thanks.”

With that, the two of them began walking back to TJ’s house, an unexpected tension in the air. But it wasn’t unwelcome. TJ and Cyrus constantly snuck glances at each other, both looking away as soon as the other caught them, cheeks pink. And it was pure coincidence if they were walking close enough to let their fingers brush against each other with every step.

They crept into the house quietly, TJ putting a finger to his lips.

“My sister is probably back from her date,” he whispered, and Cyrus nodded, and they made their way to TJ’s room, avoiding as many floorboard creaks as they could. When they got to the room, TJ wanted to throttle himself at the mess.

“I’m, I’m sorry about everything,” TJ muttered, trying to clear space. But Cyrus was deep in thought, looking around the room in awe at the posters and pictures, running his fingers along the spines of the books on TJ’s shelf.

“You like reading?” Cyrus asked softly, turning around as he took off his shoes.

TJ nodded. “Mostly history. You?”

“Space and reptiles,” he replied, sitting down beside TJ on the bed.

“Wow. Just two nerds sitting here together, huh?”

“Seems like it.”

There was a silence after that, both unsure of what to say. The soft orange light of the lamp in TJ’s room was making Cyrus’ face look warm and even more gorgeous than normal. TJ let his gaze flick down to Cyrus’ lips, but he pulled his eyes away, reminding himself that he did not need a relationship just then. Cyrus took a deep breath, hiding what looked like disappointment behind a soft smile.

“So, uh, I’ll take the floor?” TJ said, picking up his pillow. But Cyrus shook his head.

“No, I’ll take the floor, you sleep in your bed.”

“It’s fine, Cyrus.”

“No it’s not,” Cyrus said, grabbing TJ’s hand. “Okay, let’s just share the bed.”

TJ glanced at his bed, worried about size. But the atmosphere in the room was making his sleepy, so he just nodded his head, making the bed for the two of them.

Before they got into bed, TJ grabbed Cyrus’ elbow and pulled him to himself, wrapping him in a hug. Cyrus was surprised, but soon slipped his arms around TJ’s waist.

“Thank you for this,” TJ whispered into Cyrus’ ear, before pulling away and climbing into bed, Cyrus following him as his back faced TJ’s.

And when Amber walked into the room the next morning to find her brother sleepily cuddling the famous person who had messaged her brother, she almost screamed in shock, horror and joy. But then, she just smiled, and went to make breakfast.

*

TJ should have known. Some things were just too good to last. Even things like Cyrus Goodman.

Why had he been stupid enough to let himself fall again? Why couldn’t he learn his lesson?

He’d convinced himself Cyrus was different that Cyrus had seen who he was, and he loved him. He had convinced himself that they were meant to meet for a reason, because he was the one.

Well, another thing TJ Kippen was wrong about.

“Teej, please open the door,” Amber pleaded. “I’m worried about you.”

TJ sighed, pausing his loud rock music to open to door to Amber. Amber gasped when she saw his bedraggled appearance, immediately pulling him in for a hug. Even though he had spent the last 4 hours crying, that hug alone made TJ collapse into sobs, sinking to the floor as he pulled Amber down with him.

“I really thought, Amber,” TJ gasped, but Amber shushed his, placing her hand on the back of his head.

“You’ll be okay, I got you,” she whispered back to him, as she held onto TJ. After they pulled away, when TJ’s tears were just a silent stream, she narrowed her eyes. “What did he say?”

TJ just shook his head. “He just said, ‘This isn’t gonna work out. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t explain.’ Bullshit.”

“That’s a lame excuse,” Amber huffed, pushing a strand of TJ’s hair back.

“I don’t know what to do Amber,” TJ said in a broken voice. “I thought we could make it. But, I shouldn’t trust anyone.”

“I’m so sorry Teej,” Amber said, leaning her head against TJ’s. “Do you want me to make you anything? I can get ice cream from Costco.”

“No,” TJ said, shaking his head and pushing himself off the floor. “I, I need to do something. But I need your help.”

“Okay?” Amber asked, confused.

“Could you get a carton of eggs for me?”

*

“Why are we doing this?” Amber said, hoding the carton of eggs as she and TJ sat in the cab to Cyrus’ apartment. “What, are we gonna egg his front door? Cuz I’m gonna do more than that.”

TJ shook his head, a small smile on his face as he got out of the cab. He took a deep breath and walked into the building, walking up the stairs to Cyrus’ apartment. The lights seemed to be out from downstairs, so he was probably out or asleep.

“Give me the eggs,” TJ said, and Amber handed him the carton, which he set down at the doorstep.

“Wait, what? We aren’t throwing them?” Amber whined, but TJ just looked up at her.

“Can you, give me a minute?” he asked quietly, and Amber nodded, walking down the stairs.

After she was gone, TJ pulled out a carefully penned note from his coat and placed it on the carton, knocking loudly on the door before walking away, squeezing his eyes shut as he left the building.

I couldn’t even find the energy to throw these at you. Because you were the last person I expected I’d need to do that to.

*

TJ called into work sick the next day, a fact Marty didn’t question much. He didn’t need to ask TJ to see that he was going through utter shit at the time. So, some time alone was what he needed. Even though Amber wasn’t completely ready to leave him alone, but TJ pushed her to accept the date her girlfriend had asked her on.

“I’ll be okay, Amber,” he had said, kissing her on the forehead. “Now go get your girl.”

The mood was perfect too, the rain beginning to pour in torrents. TJ curled up in his blanket, watching Love Island on television. At least some people’s love lives were worse than his. TJ was heavily immersed in the drama between the house members, when suddenly, he heard someone knocking on the door.

In this downpour? TJ thought to himself as he walked to the door and opened it. But when he saw who it was, he froze.

“Cyrus, are you crazy?! What are you doing here?” TJ asked in shock, taking in his appearance.

“I, I had to see you,” Cyrus said between pants, taking in deep breaths.

“Did you run here?”

Nodding, Cyrus took a step forward, but stayed outside. “TJ. I’m so, so sorry. I thought I had to protect you, but I, I made a mistake.”

“Don’t,” TJ cut him off, his voice breaking. “Don’t’ do that, Cyrus. I’m trying to move on.”

“Please, TJ,” Cyrus pleaded, grabbing onto TJ’s elbow. “Please just hear me out.”

TJ just sighed, and looked up at Cyrus, nodding.

“I love you, TJ. So, so much. And being with you has been the best thing to happen to me. And when we decided to go public, I was so happy that I could share my happiness with everyone,” Cyrus said with a sad smile. “But, I started seeing messages and posts with people hating on you, and insulting you, and I know you said it didn’t bother you, but I know it did. I could see it in your eyes. I thought if we weren’t together, it would stop, and you’d be okay.”

“Cyrus,” TJ said softly, squeezing his hand. “You don’t need to worry about that. Sure, it’ll take some getting used to, but in the end, I just wanted to be with you.”

“I just wanna be with you too,” Cyrus said softly, reaching up to brush TJ’s cheek with his thumb.

TJ smiled softly, before leaning in to capture Cyrus’ lips in his, tasting the rain without any care. Cyrus wrapped his arms around TJ’s waist as TJ cupped his cheeks. After they pulled away, TJ leaned his forehead against Cyrus’.

“I love you, TJ.”

“I love you too, Cyrus. And I hope you never give me a reason to egg your house.”

 ~~~~~~~~

This is fluff cuz i got peer pressure by @heart-eyes-kippen and @criminalambis​

[softboywriting]

Falling For You | Shawn Mendes Fic

Summary: You’re Shawn’s personal assistant and after a misunderstanding with fans he get the idea that you could be his fake girlfriend to avoid being roped into a messy publicity stunt with a girl he doesn’t like. The thing about that is, both of you have feelings for each other that are less than fake and acting on them while pretending brings out the truth.

Word Count: 11k

| Masterlist in Bio |

The moment you check into your hotel room and get settled Shawn is knocking on the door that joined your rooms. You open it and roll your eyes at him because you figure he’s just up to his usual shenanigans. He always did this when hotel rooms had shared doors. You think he secretly liked the idea of sharing a room even though he always insisted he hated sharing them.

“Yes? How can I help you?” you ask in your most formal voice, teasing him.

“Can you do something for me?” Shawn asks as he pulls his ring off his finger. It’s the one with the two overlapping feathers that he had gotten in Japan last year. He never took it off. Not even to shower as far as you knew.

Your eyes go to his hand and then to his face. Okay this wasn’t a joke, he was seriously asking you to do something for him. “Yeah, what’s wrong?” you ask as he holds his hand out with the ring in it.

“I want you to hold on to this while we’re doing the press tour here.”

“What?” You look down at his ring and he back up at him. “Shawn, you never take that off. What’s going on? Did something happen?”

Shawn pushes the ring into your hand and curls his fingers over yours. “Last time I was in Europe for a while I ended up losing my other one. Remember how fucked up I was?”

You shake your head. “I wasn’t here for that. I do remember you telling me you lost it though. But are you sure? I mean if you never take it off then how could you lose it?”

“Please,” Shawn says softly, squeezing your fingers a bit. “Just humor me and hold on to it.” You sigh and agree to do as he asks. If would give him a piece of mind what would holding on to it for a few weeks hurt?

_______________

Four days. That’s how long it took before fans noticed his ring was missing from his hand and that it was on a chain around your neck. You thought nothing of putting it on a chain you picked up in a corner store for a couple bucks. You just figured it was safer on you than sitting in your luggage in the hotel. Big mistake.

First, fans noticed it was gone from Shawn’s possession. That sparked a huge discussion across multiple social media platforms. You had seen everything from theories that he lost it, gave it to someone, or left it at home. Shawn didn’t bother to address the topic as it wasn’t that big of a deal to him. He knew where it was. That was what mattered.

Then...then you were pulling off a hoodie you had been wearing because it was getting pretty warm that afternoon and you happen to be wearing a v-neck shirt that showed the necklace. For some reason a couple fans snapped pictures of you and someone pointed out that you had the ring. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. You were his personal assistant, you had his things on you all the time. This wasn’t anything new. Hell, you carried his wallet and his phone sometimes, it wasn’t a big deal.

But to fans that ring meant something. It meant something that you had it and you were wearing it around your neck. That ‘something’ was that you and Shawn were hooking up. Which was not the case at all, but try telling that to an irrational fan who thinks Shawn owes them his loyalty. Go on. Try.

So here you are now, standing in Shawn’s hotel room with Andrew and Geoff parked on the small couch near the window while Shawn laid out on the bed with a pillow over his face.

“This is insane,” Shawn groans. “Why is this such a big deal? It’s just a ring! She’s just wearing it to keep it safe like I asked her!”

“Yes, we know. You’ve told us at least a dozen times now,” Jake says with an eye roll. “Have you tweeted about it yet? Maybe if you explain the situation...”

Shawn pulls the pillow from his face and cuts Jake a glare. “As if that would help. I hardly think tweeting anything will calm down ravenous fans.”

“Then just take it back and wear it,” Andrew says as he flips thru his phone, reading more theories and things of that sort. “She won’t have it. Problem solved.”

“Yeah but then you’ll open a whole new can of worms. People will just think he took it back to calm down the drama. They’re still going to think we’re dating...fucking...whatever they think we’re doing. The damage is done,” you sigh defeatedly.

“So we just wait it out?” Jake asks.

“Yeah pretty much,” you shrug and sit on the bed next to Shawn.

“Well, I’m done worrying about it then. Ignore it and it will go away right?” Jake says as he and Andrew stand up. Andrew just sighs and shakes his head as he agrees half heartedly. “Let’s go get dinner. You guys wanna come or do you want us to get anything?”

“I’m good,” Shawn grumbles and you just shake your head. The two of them leave and as soon as the door clicks closed Shawn grabs the back of your shirt and pulls you back to lay beside him. “What if we were a thing?” he asks.

_______________

Rolling onto your side, you just stare at Shawn. He couldn’t be serious. The idea of the two of you being a thing makes your heart race and you don’t know why. Sure you’ve had a crush on Shawn before, who hasn’t? But you put it in the past, putting your job before that nonsense. You made sure not to mix your feelings with your work. Shawn and all the guys on his team and all of his friends were off limits. No way no how. You were not going to get messy like that.

“You can’t be serious, Shawn.”

Shawn rolls on his side to face you and suddenly your heart skips and you wish it wouldn’t do that. “I don’t mean like for real. I mean just for show.”

His words make your heart sink, but in a good way? Or was it a disappointed way? This was already going to be bad. Shawn should just stop talking. Him and his sweet smile, soft eyes and gentle words would make you do almost anything. He had to be stopped.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea for like a thousand reasons. Why would you want a fake girlfriend?”

Shawn sighs, rolling back on to his back. “Andrew and Justin want me to get involved with this girl Cailey. Remember that dinner meeting I had to go to a few weeks ago? It was about the two of us pretending to date or something. It’s supposed to help me stir up interest for the new album and she benefits by getting attention for her modeling career and stuff.”

“Are you serious? Shawn, didn’t you say no?”

“I tried to. I mean I told them I didn’t want to do it but her manager was pushy. We’re on the verge of a decision and it’s out of my control. I don’t like her though, I don’t even want to be around her. She is actually the worst person ever.”

You reach over and lay your hand on Shawn’s chest. “It’s not a good idea. Andrew isn’t going to buy it, and I sure as hell don’t think Justin will. They’re going to know it’s not real.”

“I can convince them. We can convince them. Please, I’ve never asked for something so important before, I need this.”

“I could lose my job. I-I don’t know Shawn...”

Shawn grabs your hand and holds it over his heart. “You’re the only one who can help me. The interest is already there, the suspicions from fans and media. We just have to supposedly slip up and kiss in public or something and Andrew will think we were just lying to him. I’ll make sure you don’t lose your job.”

You curl your fingers into his shirt and he looks at you, eyes begging you to say yes. You take a deep breath and close your eyes as you lean into him and press your head against his shoulder. This was so goddamn risky, but you weren’t going to standby and watch him suffer a PR stunt for months on end with a girl he didn’t like.

“Please,” Shawn whispers and you relax your hand against his chest.

“Alright. Fine. We’ll do this, but you really have to help me sell it. I want the whole nine yards, the whole girlfriend experience with the one and only Shawn Mendes.”

Shawn chuckles and runs his hand through your hair, bringing your head closer so he can kiss the top of it. “You got yourself a deal. I promise I’ll keep you safe if it all goes to shit.”

“You better.”

“I promise I will.”

You let out a sigh and lean back to look at him just to see he’s smiling like an idiot. “So what do we do first?”

“You wanna get dinner? I think being together without the team might stir up some more rumors. Why not start now?”

“Seems innocent enough, but do you think Andrew will just get pissed we went out among the current rumors.”

Shawn sits up and crawls off the bed. “That’s what I want. I want him to be annoyed but suspicious. Then we can ‘accidentally’ kiss in a few days or something and really get Andrew to buy it.”

You get up and grab your shoes from where you toed them off by the door earlier. “When you kiss me you better warn me, and no tongue.”

“What! Oh come on you can’t ask for the whole girlfriend experience and forbid tongue,” Shawn chuckles. He walks over to you and stops you against the wall beside the door. “We have to sell it, y’know?” he says as he makes a lewd licking motion inches from your face.

“God you’re gross,” you laugh and he grins.

“What? You think my tongue is gross?”

You shrug and slide away from him to grab the door handle. “I think you’re gross in general.”

“Oh yeah? Why don’t I believe that for one second?”

You open the door and head out toward the elevator and Shawn follows close behind you. “I don’t know, maybe because you’re a weirdo? You’re totally gross.”

Shawn pushes you as you step into the elevator, causing you to stumble forward. “Hey!” you yelp and he walks you against the back wall. Just like that, he’s up against you, pinning you in with his forearms on the wall behind you, face leaned down only inches from yours. His breath is hot and your heart is racing. It was too real. There weren’t even people around. What was he doing? Why was he doing this?

“Save it for the cameras,” you mutter, swallowing thickly. Your eyes dart between his mouth and his eyes as you try to read him. Either he was a really good actor or he was actually turned on and really wanted to kiss you.

The bell dings on the elevator, signalling your arrival at the lobby. Shawn leans in and you think he’s about to kiss you but he doesn’t. He licks your cheek and pushes off the wall to run out of the elevator and into the lobby. You’re left standing there with a wet cheek and a heart that was about to explode. A second passes and you snap back to reality just in time to rush out of the elevator to see Shawn waiting for you by the doors looking smug as hell. If this was Shawn’s idea of a fake relationship, you were screwed.

_______________

You and Shawn found a diner that served some local dishes and each of you tried something you could hardly pronounce. Both dishes ended up being really good and you were pleasantly surprised. Dinner wound down and it didn’t seem like anyone had noticed the two of you, which was the goal of course. So Shawn suggests going for a walk, saying there was a park not too far away that he remembered driving by on the way to the hotel when you all arrived.

So here you are walking side by side as the sun goes down and basks the budding trees and soft grass in a golden glow. Spring in Sweden was absolutely gorgeous, if not a little chilly in the evening.

Shawn bumps his hand against yours and you bite your lip, looking the other way at a tree that had little white flowers all over it. He does it again and you twitch your fingers against his. It’s permission enough and he slides his hand into yours. It’s warm and you find your fingers sliding into the spaces between his.

“No one is around,” you mutter and he squeezes tight.

“You never know when someone will appear.”

You swing your hand and he chuckles. “I think you just like holding my hand.”

“Nah, I’m just trying to sell our relationship.” He grins and lifts your arm up and spins you around out in front of him. You twirl around, ducking under his arm and he pulls you back in close.

“I’m kind of cold,” you say with a small shiver.

“I can fix that.”

Shawn drops your hand and steps back to take off his denim jacket he has on over his pink hoodie. You reach for the jacket and he shakes his head, dropping it on the ground to pull his hoodie up and over his head with both hands.

“This will be warmer,” he says passing you the hoodie and picking up his jacket to put back on.

You slide your arms in and pull the soft pink fabric over you head. It’s a little loose on you but it’s warm, very warm. Shawn was like a furnace and you had no idea how he didn’t over heat every ten minutes when he wore layers.

Shawn looks past you and you turn to look at whatever he was staring at. There is a small group of girls standing by some trees nearby with their phones out. You look back at Shawn and he’s smiling, knowing everything was falling into place.  

“You can come over here!” Shawn yells, waving at the girls. They giggle and jog over, chattering excitedly to themselves as they approached. You step back, staying quiet as they fawn over Shawn.

“Can we get a picture?” they ask and Shawn smiles.

“Yeah, of course. Here, give me your phone,” Shawn says and takes the first girl’s phone. He angles it so you’re in the background and snaps the picture. He does this for each girl, making sure you were visible in almost every photo. He was such a little shit. He knew exactly how to play this game and you were almost shocked at how good he was.

A couple of the girls keep glancing at you and then talking quietly. They weren’t even discreet. You knew they were talking about you. Shawn finishes signing one girl’s phone case and looks over at you just as one of them asks, “Is that your assistant?”

“Yeah, she’s great. She keeps me on track and out of trouble,” Shawn chuckles, motioning for you to come closer. You do and he puts his arm around your shoulders. “She’s the best.”

“Is that your hoodie?” someone asks and you look at Shawn for an answer.

Shawn doesn't answer and instead he just grins and thanks the girls for being such great fans and says the two of you have to go now, that it was getting late. With that the two of you walk away and the girls go the opposite direction.

Once you’re out of earshot, Shawn leans down and whispers, “How long before Andrew sees those pictures do you think?”

“Oh god, less than a day.” You laugh and shake your head. “He’s going to kill us.”

“Probably.”

“We’re really doing this huh?”

Shawn pulls you close and rubs the top of your head, messing up your hair as you approach the rental car the two of you were using to get around the city. “We’re really doing this,” he says with a chuckle and you nod. You sure were doing this.  

_______________

A few days pass and no one says anything to you or Shawn. Everything goes on as it usually did. You think Andrew just missed the pictures or something, or maybe he just didn’t care. Either way it’s bothering you and it’s all you can think about. So here you are, sitting all alone in the lounge at an after party for some european awards show that Shawn performed at and stress drinking a rum and coke.

The place was crawling with celebrities and usually you’d be near Shawn politely socializing, but you just can’t be bothered tonight. It was fine, you weren’t looking for a new client anyways, so socializing wasn’t top priority for you anymore. You could just sit and worry until Shawn was ready to leave.

“Hey, what are you doing over here all alone?” Shawn asks as he plops down on the loveseat beside you, interrupting your thoughts about how you were going to lie about your relationship with Shawn when someone inevitably asked.

“Avoiding people,” you laugh as you take a sip of your drink. You look around and shrug. “This just isn’t my scene anymore, you know that.”

Shawn leans his head against your shoulder and you lean your head against his hair. He smells like cologne and the floral scented product he used to style his mess of hair. It’s nice. Comforting.

“Do you wanna get out of here? I’m sure no one will notice if we slip out the back.”

“You really think no one is going to notice? I’m pretty sure people will think it’s strange that the guy who just put on an amazing performance just up and disappeared.”

Shawn shrugs and grabs your hand, standing and hauling you up against him. “This isn’t really my scene either, I don’t know these people that well.” He looks around the room and shakes his head. Almost everyone he knew was busy or had already left for another afterparty. “Alright, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going sneak out the fire exit behind the bar and if anyone asks I’ll say I wasn’t feeling well so my assistant took me to the hotel.”

“This will never work,” you giggle and he just grins like a kid.

Before you know it you’re being pulled through the crowded after party and toward a door labeled emergency exit that was behind the bar counter. Shawn pulls you through the little opening on the bar without the bartender even noticing because he was too busy trying to get some girl’s number. Thankfully there isn’t an alarm on the door because you’re sure Shawn didn’t even consider that.

The second Shawn pushes the door open and the two of you step out into the alley behind the event center, you get soaked. It’s pouring rain and your dress clings to you as the water soaks in quickly causing little rivers to run down your arms, into your cleavage and down the back of your dress. You may as well have just stepped into a shower fully clothed.

Shawn runs out into the middle of the alley and puts his arms out with is head back as he spins in a circle. He yells into the night air and it’s swallowed up by the roar of the downpouring rain. You can’t help but laugh and he looks over, grinning like an idiot because he know you’re laughing at him.

He really is a sight to see. His hair is plastered to the sides of his head and forehead. The light gray suit he was wearing was dark charcoal gray now as it has become fully soaked, and you just know as soon as Lydia, his stylist, comes to pick it up in the morning that he’s going to get yelled at.

“It’s pouring! What are you doing!?” you yell over the increasingly loud thunder that rumbles in the distance.

Shawn splashed forward and grabs your hands, pulling you out into the middle of the alley and you step in a puddle that covers your shoes and you squeal as the cold water rushes over the tops of your feet. Every inch of you was soaked to the bone, and Shawn looked about as happy as a pig in mud. He lifts up some of your hair off your shoulder and smiles. To have him look at you like that...it made the line between a real and fake relationship pretty blurry.

“You look like a drowned rat.”

Your jaw drops. If anyone could ruin a moment it was this guy.

“Oh as if you look much better!” you scoff, running your hand through his hair and shaking it, just to watch the rain smooth it back down on his forehead immediately. “You look like a mop that’s been put up to dry in a rainstorm!”

Headlights light up the alley entrance a few feet away and you turn to look and see if it was someone coming down the roadway. They were just stopped at the stop sign on the corner before turning left down the alley adjacent. It was a reminder that someone might find you out there, and that you should get going and stop dilly dallying in the rain.

“We should call a cab or something,” you mutter as you attempt to wipe the water from your face but it’s no use.

“Let’s get somewhere dry first. I don’t think my phone is waterproof,” Shawn says as he pulls his very wet phone out of his very wet pocket. “Yeah, no, this is busted.”

You start to open your purse but immediately close it upon seeing what the rain has done to Shawn’s phone.

Shawn pockets his phone and walks toward the entrance of the alley. He looks up and down the street for any sort of shop that was still open at this time of night. Of course everything was dark but the streetlights.

You walk up behind him and take a look too before suggesting going back inside.

Shawn shakes his head, taking a few steps down the sidewalk. “Hell no. We’re going to the end of the block, I think there was a McDonald’s up that way when we were driving here.”

Shawn comes back and puts his arm around you and the two of you head down the street. It’s not far before the next cross street and sure enough, Shawn was right. There was actually a McDonalds a little ways down on the cross street. Leave it to him to know exactly where food was but not to know what time he had to be anywhere or literally anything actually important.

You roll your eyes at how unbelievable he was and the two of you head for the bright parking lot.

You push open the front door of the building and Shawn hurries in after you. You’re dripping all over the floor, leaving a small river as you head to the bathrooms, waving politely to the employee at the counter who gives a sympathetic look. Shawn ducks into the men's room and you head into the ladies to do whatever you could to get dry.

Almost twenty minutes later and you we some semblance of dry. You had ended up stripping down to nothing in the handicap stall so you could wring your dress and underwear out over the toilet to get most of the water out of them. You had a moment, standing there on the cold floor, your dress hanging on the assistance rail beside you, that you look down and realize you’re wearing nothing but his ring on the chain around your neck.

There’s some sort of symbolism there but you can’t put your finger on it. You push the thought aside before you allow yourself to get too caught up in it. You had to focus on getting dressed and getting dry. Afterall, you were naked in a McDonald’s bathroom in a foreign country. There were bigger issues at hand then a ring on a chain.

You put your clothes back on and toss your tights in the trash, giving up on them completely. You set your shoes up on the small counter under the air hand dryers and turned them all on. A few twists of your hair, wipes of your face with surprisingly not crappy paper towels, and you were almost presentable as a human being again.

When you exit the bathroom Shawn is at the front counter ordering. He’s in his slacks and his black button down. You spot his jacket hanging on a nearby chair along with his socks and you take a seat until he comes over.

“I got us some chicken sandwiches and fries. I hope you’re good with that,” Shawn says as he sinks into the chair next to his wet jacket. “If not you can get whatever you want, I have my card.”

“No, chicken is fine,” you laugh, shaking your head. “Did we actually just leave an upscale after party to come to a McDonalds in Sweden at midnight?”

Shawn grins big. “Sure did baby.”

You snort, leaning back in the chair and shaking your head in disbelief. “How did I ever get stuck with you?”

Shawn leans forward and props his head up on his chin. He really has to stop looking at you like that. It wasn’t good for your heart. “Well, I think you applied for a job with your agency and then they sent you to Andrew who interviewed you and-”

“I know how I got the job!”

“Well maybe if you knew you shouldn’t have asked,” he teases with a smirk.

You roll your eyes and look out at the rain coming down in droves across the parking lot. It didn’t seem to be letting up anytime soon. “I guess I meant, how did I get so lucky to get to be your assistant and stuck with your wild and crazy ways. I’d worked for two other people before and they were just boring as hell. All I did was sit around all day and make and remake schedules.”

“You were meant to work with me,” Shawn smiles.

He reaches across the table and hooks his finger through the chain around your neck. He tugs it toward himself and you lean forward, not wanting it to break. You’re so close, his eyes are on your lips and yours are on his. The tension is thick and your throat feels like it’s closing up as your heart is about to burst.

“Our food is ready,” he whispers, grinning as he drops the necklace and stands up to go to the counter.

You sink back into your seat and stare at his empty chair. He couldn’t do this. You couldn’t do this. If he was going to play with you; tease you, whatever this was that he was doing, when no one was around to see, then you were going to call off your deal. You couldn’t have your emotions played with. Not by him. Not like this.

Shawn sits back down, setting the tray of food on the table before you and you look down. It looks good enough, although you’re not sure you feel like you can eat, but you manage to consume a little of the food while you talk about how tomorrow afternoon the two of you and Andrew have to catch a flight to Paris.

You chuckle to yourself at that. Paris. The city of love. Also the city of no paparazzi. You were going to have to work even harder to ‘expose’ this fake relationship now. God...it felt like it wasn’t going to work, like everything was working against you, but maybe that was okay...maybe it wasn’t meant to be like this. Maybe things weren’t supposed to work out.

_______________

The rain let up enough that you and Shawn could run out to the car you called for to take you home. There was only one ride service in the area you were in that ran late in the morning and they charged an arm and a leg too. Thankfully Shawn had no problem with paying the steep fee but you sort of felt bad for anyone who needed a ride so late. It seemed unfair that they jacked their rates up for late night driving...which made you wonder if the driver was just upcharging because he recognized Shawn. In that case. What a dick.

It’s nearly 2am when you arrive at the hotel. Shawn grabs your hand in the lobby and your heart beats double time as he drags you to the elevator. Again, no one was around to see this show of familiarity. You clench your jaw. You had to say something sometime right? But maybe not yet.

Shawn drops your hand in the elevator and you look over at him as he watches the floor numbers creep higher and higher. His profile is astounding. You look away, down at the floor.

Why did everything have to change? Last week you were content being his assistant and bossing him around at meetings and shows. You were perfectly happy that you had put aside the little (huge) crush you had on him when you first started, and he had to go and ruin it by asking you to be his fake girlfriend. Which, by the way, didn’t seem so fake now. At least not for you anyways. When this was all over you were going to be so fucked. So completely fucked because it wasn’t going to end in some fairytale romance. Shawn was not actually going to fall in love with his assistant. That didn’t happen. Life wasn’t a Hallmark movie, but damn you wish it was.

The moment you get to your room door and open your purse you realize you don’t have your key card. You had switched purses for the event so you would match your dress. The key card was in a pocket in your other purse.

“Guess what,” you groan and Shawn looks over as he pushes open his door.

“Hmm?”

“My keycard is in the room.”

Shawn pushes his door open with a grin. “Come on in then,” he bows, waving his arm out into the room dramatically. “Madame forgetful.”

“You’re a jerk,” you laugh.

You push him in the chest and he just chuckles, letting out a little oomph as his back hits the door.

Shawn walks in and goes over to his suitcase and starts undressing. He tosses his jacket on the back of a nearby chair and starts stripping down quickly, wanting to be rid of the still damp clothes. He stops as he gets his pants undone and looks over to where you’re standing transfixed by the bathroom door.

“You alright? You’ve seen me undress before?”

“Yeah...no, um...” You look away from him because your mind was starting to wander and that could not happen. “I don’t have any clothes is all. They’re in my room and I can’t get in? I’d like to be dry too.”

“Oh, right. Hold on.” Shawn leans over his suitcase and digs through it for a moment. He fishes out a shirt and a pair of boxers. “These might fit you?” he offers, holding them up.

It wasn’t like you had a choice. It was his clothes or your damp cold ones. The latter seemed far worse for sleeping.

You take the clothes and go into the bathroom, pressing your back against the door. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You had to remember you were his assistant. Not his real girlfriend. This meant nothing. Wearing his clothes was a necessity right now.

You start to change and you try not to think about the fact you were going to be wearing his clothes, more particularly, his boxers, or that you were going to be sleeping in his bed. You scoff to yourself as you set your purse on the counter. Your phone and one of the check in forms that you had the door code to the building written on falls out.

The check form... from the check in desk!

You could just go to the lobby and ask for a new key card. That was if someone was down there, and even then they were probably trying to snooze. You feel like you’d be an asshole if you went down there so late.

You bite your lip and look over at Shawn’s clothes on the hook where you placed them when you walked in. Your clothes are on the floor in a heap by the bathtub. Well, you were already undressed...you may as well just stay with Shawn and not bother the nice front desk person so late at night.

Sighing, you pick up his shirt and pull it on before you slide your panties down and off. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror. His shirt sits at almost your mid upper thigh, just enough to cover your bare bottom half.

What if you walked out there like this?

No.

You turn around and grab the boxers off the counter. Shawn might push the boundaries with all his out of sight attentions but you weren’t going to do it too. The last thing you needed was for this ordeal to go any farther and end up with both of you making a mistake that couldn’t be undone.

Shawn knocks on the door and you snap out of your thoughts, jerking around at the rapt knocking. “Hey, you okay in there? You’re not like sniffing my shirt and getting off or something are you? Because as weird as that is, it’s kind of hot and-”

You open the door to find him leaning against the doorframe with a smirk on his face. He knew what he was doing, and he always loved to tease you before this started, but now he seemed to like to make it far more sexual. The little shit.

“You aren’t funny.”

“You’re mad because I found out your dirty little secret.”

He leans in and you think he’s going to say something really dirty that is going to make you flush like a tomato. He grins and you are about to push past him, wanting to avoid whatever his mind would come up with when he whispers against your ear. “Go pick out your side of the bed. I have to pee, now move.”

_______________

You wake up to the sound of snoring. Deep but soft rumbles coming from behind you. You’re warm, too warm. Shawn has his arm around you and you’re pulled back against his chest, legs tangled with yours.

“Shawn,” you whisper and he stirs, snoring coming to a halt.

His arm tightens around you and he buries his face in your hair. His hand slides up and down your stomach under his shirt you’re wearing and it makes you shiver. You know he’s asleep, and he’s been alone for a long time, and that he must crave the physical intimacy as badly as you did these days. So you try not to blame him for the cuddling and you try not think too far into the cuddling.

“You’re skin is soft,” Shawn mumbles against your head. Maybe he wasn’t as asleep as you thought.

“Thanks, but remember what I said last night?”

He groans, slipping his hand out from under your shirt as he rolls onto his back. You made it very clear that you were not allowed to cuddle if you were going to sleep in the same bed. Obviously unconscious Shawn paid no mind to that what so ever.

“We have to get packed, it’s almost nine in the morning. Our flight leaves at noon for France.”

“You’re ice cold,” Shawn says with a smirk. “I know you want to cuddle longer.”

“Shawn, come on.” You roll your eyes.

His arm snakes around your waist and he pulls you against his side. “Don’t act like you don’t love it. I distinctly remember waking up at six this morning and you were all over me.”

“I was not!”

“You were too.”

Shawn reaches over and grabs his phone off the nightstand. He brings up a photo of the two of you in bed. The light is low and soft from the windows and you’re curled up with your head on his chest, your hand over his heart. It’s sweet, intimate...weird. Wait a minute.

“Why did you take that picture!”

“Well, I figure if Andrew doesn’t say anything by the time we’re done in Paris, then I’ll accidentally post this to instagram. Nothing says relationship like some sweet cuddles, and you are really selling it.” He turns the phone so you can see the photo again. “Look at your little hand over my heart and my hand in your hair as I kiss the top of your head. I mean it’s perfect and-”

“You better delete that as soon as Andrew calls off the deal with Cailey. I mean it. I don’t like when people take pictures of me and specially not when I’m sleeping, you creep.”

“I prefer the term boyfriend.”

“Fake boyfriend.” You snort and push away from him, throwing the covers back. “Get yourself dressed. I’m going to the lobby to get a new room card so I can pack and we can get to the airport.”

“No breakfast?”

“You can get something on the way.” You stop at the mirror on the back of the bathroom door and you tie up your hair.

Shawn puts his arm over his face and you roll your eyes.

“You better not be going back to sleep.”

“I’m not.”

“Then what’s wrong? Get up, get moving. Come on.”

“You look really good in my clothes, that’s what’s wrong.”

You swallow hard and turn away toward the door. You leave without another word and head to the lobby to get a key card.

Paris was going to be the last stand. If nothing happened in Paris then you were calling this whole thing off and Shawn was going to have to stand up to Andrew and Justin alone on the Cailey ordeal. You couldn’t go on with Shawn saying things like that behind closed doors. This is not what you agreed to. You agreed to pretending around other people, not pretending around each other.

Your greatest fear is that Shawn was pretending when it was just the two of you so that you could really make it look convincing when you were together. But even worse would be Shawn actually falling for you, and all his actions weren’t pretend. Both thoughts made your heart ache.

_______________

Paris. A beautiful city with grand architecture, art and culture. A place where romance was around every corner. The city of love. How ironic.

You stare out the window of the van you're riding in to the hotel from the airport. The plane ride had been fairly short, only a few hours, and Shawn was seated near Andrew the entire time. Thank God.

However you weren't so lucky to be seated away from Shawn now. He was right beside you while Andrew and Geoff sat in the seats in front of you. You knew you were being cold and distant toward Shawn, not having spoken since this morning, but it's what you decided was best. If you were going to feel something for him then it'd be easier if it were feigned annoyance and not a heart wrenching crush.

Shawn bumps his hand against yours on the seat and you pull away. He chases, placing his hand right next to where you've placed yours on your leg. He wasn't going to make this easy for you.

You glance down and then over at him. He's not even looking. The little shit. He is staring out the window with a smile on his face. You inch your hand away, turning your attention back to the passing shops and cafes.

Shawn clears his throat and you know he wants you to look over, but you won't. Not getting your attention that way, he opts to slide his hand up your thigh to meet your hand once more. This time he hooks his pinky with yours so you can't pull away so easily.

This gets your attention. You side eye him and he's grinning at you. The way he was grinning would make you think holding pinkies was the most risque thing to do in the back of a van.

Honestly he was too cute and you could feel the icy barrier you put up around your heart already start to melt.  So much for that plan.

Shawn holds your pinky the entire ride to the hotel and you just let him. He was going to find away to be touching you anyways, may as well let him.

Checking into the hotel is a nightmare. The clerk, while speaking English, had a very thick accent that Andrew struggled to understand. When he finally sorted things out, you find out that one of your rooms was already booked and there was an error in the online booking agent.

Geoff suggests finding a new hotel but Jake and Andrew don't want to do that because they'd chosen this one specifically for it's security.

“I'll share with Shawn,” Jake says and Shawn groans.

“No offense Jake, but you're the heaviest snorer I've ever met. I'd never get any sleep.”

Andrew sighs, knowing this couldn't be easy.

“I can share with Shawn. Then you can all have your own rooms. I don't mind. ” You shrug and look at Shawn. “It’s not like I haven't had to share with him before. Remember the flooded hotel a few months ago?”

Shawn throws his arm around your shoulders and pulls you against him. “We can get a rollaway bed for you just like before. It'll be fine.”

Andrew looks skeptical but agrees to the arrangement. You and Shawn exchange looks when he turns his back. Both of you know he's suspicious now. Perfect.

_______________

Shawn wants to go out for lunch and you know he won't bother inviting Andrew or saying anything to Jake before the two of you leave. It feels so bad, sneaking out of the hotel to galavant around the nearby shopping district. You can't say you don't love the thrill of it though.

Shawn reaches for your hand, bumping against it a few times for permission before he goes for holding it. You give in quickly, knowing what he wants and he threads his fingers between yours.

You know that this is going to be your last outing together before Shawn is booked up for the rest of the Paris promo. He has a fashion gala, a pop up merchandise event, a performance with a local radio station and an interview with another radio station.

You squeeze his hand and he squeezes back. It was now or never. Whatever happened on this outing had to be big and attention grabbing. You don't dare ask yet, but the way he's looking at you says he might have a plan.

_______________

The two of you can't settle on a place for lunch which ends up with you walking around a small park nearby until one of you caved.

Shawn still has his hand in yours as you walk along a rose bush lined path. The park was gorgeous and in full view of the Eiffel Tower. Everything felt like a dream and you didn't ever want to wake up.

“Crepes are such a classic lunch. I don't know why you don't want to get those,” Shawn says, continuing your lunch debate that lead to the walk in the park. He really wasn’t budging on the crepes idea.

“It sounds heavy,” you sigh, it’s only the third time you’ve said this.

Honestly crepes sounded pretty good but your stomach was in knots. Nerves were getting the best of you and you can't take it any longer. Shawn was going to do something and you needed to be prepared. You were going to have to ask him what his plan was.

“You could get a plain one or just ham and ch-”

You stop, placing your hand on his chest and he stops mid sentence. He looks down, covers your hand with his and you can feel his heart racing just like yours. You pause, just a moment, taking in the slight intimacy before you speak.

“What are we doing?”

“We're walking in the park and debating lunch?”

“No.” You close your eyes. “I mean what is the plan for our outing? What are we going to do to get caught?”

Shawn stares at you for a moment, as if he had forgotten that you were just out on a lunch date for appearances. He seemed to forget a lot that you weren’t his real girlfriend, but you did too.

“I don't have a plan?”

“You have to have a plan.”

“I don't. We'll just make it up as we go.” He curls his fingers around your hand that's still on his chest and he brings it up to kiss your knuckles. You flush and he grins, knowing he caused that.

“How about we skip lunch and get some ice cream? It would be far more romantic to eat ice cream in the park. “

Shawn pulls away, hand still in yours as he starts running toward the other end of the park. You stumble along with him, giggling and struggling to keep up.

“Shawn! I'm going to fall! Your legs are too long I can't keep up!”

“I’ll catch you!” Shawn laughs, doubling back to scoop you up and spin you around a few times while you squeal to be let down. “I promise I’ll catch you whenever you fall.”

“Psh, you are such a mushy softie.”

Shawn places you down in front of the ice cream vendor cart and kisses the top of your head. “Sorry, I’m so soft.” He pokes his firm belly and makes a bleh noise. “I’m a regular stay puft marshmallow boy.”

You roll your eyes and step up to the cart. Shawn throws his arm around you and tries to order in French. It’s embarrassing.

“Deux Chocolat?” you say pointing at the chocolate ice cream. The vendor smiles and scoops, announcing your total in English and you thank him as you hand Shawn his little dish.

The two of you sit on a little bridge that goes over a creek that joins two ponds in the park. It faces the main street and the two of you remain in a comfortable silence as you watch cars and bikes and people with pets pass by.

A group of people nearby seem to be noticing you and Shawn. They’ve got phones out, failing to be discreet as they snap pictures of you. Your heart races and you elbow Shawn, nodding to the crowd. Shawn scoops up some of this ice cream and holds it out for you. “Open up,” he grins and you roll your eyes. “Open. Come on.”

You open your mouth and let him feed you, giggling as your lips close over the icy treat. “It tastes just like mine,” you say and he scoops another bit. You laugh as he makes airplane noises and ends up getting chocolate all over your lip and chin. “Hey! Watch where you’re putting that!”

Shawn parks his spoon in his cup and grabs your chin, swiping his thumb over the mess. He’s looking at you, eyes locked with yours. His lips part and you struggle to breathe as he leans in. “I’m going to kiss you,” he whispers, voice hardly audible. Just like that, his warm lips meet yours and he licks the ice cream from your lip. His hand goes into your hair and you lean into him, dropping your ice cream in the creek as you grab his face.

Making out in public wasn’t something you ever wanted to do. It just wasn’t something you were totally comfortable with, but Shawn...well...he was an exception. Besides. You needed to get people’s attention. You needed rumors to spread. What was more rumor confirming than making out in public?

Shawn breaks the kiss, rolling his forehead against yours. “I don’t want to pretend anymore,” he says quietly.

“W-what? Was the kiss that bad?” you whisper in return.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head a bit. “The kiss was perfect. You're perfect.”

“Shawn, you're just lost in the moment.”

“I'm not,” he says as he leans forward and kisses you softly. He kisses between words as he says, “I've never been so happy in my whole life than I am when I'm with you. I just had to open my eyes.”

You pull away this time and he chases your lips a bit before settling on bumping noses. “When did you know it wasn't pretend anymore?”

“As soon as we started. My brain got the green light to make you mine and I couldn't stop it. I wanted your attention all the time, I didn't care if someone was watching or not.”

Shawn moves back and pulls you in front of him so you're between his legs where he's sitting on the edge of the bridge. He tucks your hair behind your ears and wraps his arms around you.

You bring your arms up and grip the back of his shirt, burying your face in his collar. “This feels unreal. I never thought you would actually do this. You're like a Disney prince, you can't be real.”

“I am real, and you're my princess. Now, come on princess, we have some rumors to confirm,” Shawn chuckles and stands, lifting you up so your legs are wrapped around his waist. He walks you past the crowd of fans with the biggest smirk as he bumps his nose with yours. It's one of the first times you've seen him practically ignore fans, but you couldn't be happier.

_______________

The moment the door closes to your shared room, Shawn presses you against the wall and kisses you hungrily. Your hands go to his belt and he bites at your lip for encouragement.

“Shawn?!” Andrew yells through the door.

You halt, fingers freezing on Shawn's zipper. Oh right. Andrew didn't know yet. If you didn't answer then he would just go away?

Shawn makes a shushing motion and creeps away from the door, taking your hands to lead you to the bed. Andrew knocks again and you feel sick to your stomach. Shawn's phone buzzes and you reach around and pull it from his back pocket.

“Its Andrew. He said he knows we're back. Answer the door.”

Shawn growls and goes to the door, ripping it open and glaring at his manager. “What? We went for lunch.”

Andrew steps in and Shawn walks over to you. He holds his phone up with a picture of the two of you kissing. “Let's talk.”

After ages of discussion, an agreement is made. Shawn would still have to walk the red carpet tomorrow at the KIT Fashion Gala with Cailey, and he would have to appear on the talk show she co hosted in a few weeks. But they wouldn't be selling the relationship angle now that you as Shawn were very publicly an item.

You and Shawn spend the rest of the day in bed, lazily kissing and exploring each other while discussing what you wanna do as soon as you get home from the press tour. Mostly he wants to show you Toronto and Pickering, introduce you to his friends and family, and fuck you senseless but that last part didn't require being back home.

_______________

Lydia and her team show up early the next morning to get Shawn fitted and dressed for the gala. You're up when they come knocking on the hotel room door and Shawn isn't, so you answer.

“Oh my God the rumors are true!” Lydia squeals as you open the door dressed in Shawn's tee and your underwear.

“Yeah, surprise!” You laugh and Lydia gives your cheeks air kisses as she and her team haul in a bunch of racks and cases.

“You two are adorable. He couldn't have chosen a better woman,” Lydia gushes as she starts to unpack.

Shawn sits up in bed and runs a hand through his sleep mussed hair. “You trying to steal my girl, Lyd?” He laughs.

“I got a girl, but if you want to share...”

“Oh you know I'm not good at that,” Shawn says as he stands and stretches, giving you a great view of that glorious ass of his. “Shower and a shave first?”

“Of course, wouldn't want your stink on these fresh suits.”

Shawn feigns hurt and you giggle.

Lydia unzips a few of the carrier bags and glances over at you. “What are you wearing tonight?”

“Me? Um, just one of my regular dresses probably?”

Lydia shakes her head and goes over to the second rack her assistants rolled in. “No, you're not going to be dressed like the assistant. You're Shawn Mendes’s girlfriend, you have to show up in something nice.”

“But I don't think anyone is going to care what I'm wearing. I'm not on the red carpet.”

Lydia laughs and holds on to the rack. “You're kidding right? He is not actually walking with Cailey is he?” You nod. “Well fuck that little tart. You're wearing this.”

She pulls a long black v neck sleeveless dress. There's a little jewelry set hanging with it on the hanger. You stand up and go over to it, running your hand over the front of it. It's got a little thin white belt around the waist with a little gem encrusted detailed feather as the clasp.

“This is too nice. I'm not sure I can wear this.”

“You can and will. Come on, try it on.” Lydia tugs at your shirt and you turn your back to her and pull your shirt off. “You don't need a bra, here,” she says passing the dress to you off the hanger.

You step into it and Lydia zips the back up. It's just a hint loose along your bust line. You turn and Shawn steps out of the bathroom in his boxers, scrubbing his hair dry with a towel.

“Hey Lydia, I was thinking...wow,” Shawn says dropping his towel and looking you over. “You look stunning.”

“It's just a dress,” you giggle, smoothing the front down.

Shawn crosses the room and grabs your hips, running his hands up and down your sides. “It's a damn good dress. Are you wearing this tonight?”

“Yes, she is,” Lydia answers for you. “And your suit will match.” Shawn looks back as Lydia pulls a black suit down that has black silk accents. “I was thinking we do a black suit with a floral button down under it. I've brought several options.”

“Let's get to it then,” Shawn smiles, looking down at you and kissing your head. “Tell me your favorite and I'll wear it okay?”

“Alright.”

“Perfect. Andi and myself will work with Shawn, Dana you help fit that dress to her and we'll get this show on the road,” Lydia says and claps her hands together. It was going to be a long day.

_______________

The KIT Gala was just like every other event you've been to with Shawn. Loads of famous people, douchebags with cameras, no so douchebag professional photographers, constant blinding lights and fake conversations. It's just another event.

That's what you tell yourself anyway. You've got nerves like never before. You've never been Shawn's girlfriend at an event before. You've never been paid any mind until you put that ring around your neck and everything kicked off.

You touch the ring, it's on a long chain that dips into your dress that's layered with a few other simple chains to complete the look Lydia picked out for you. Shawn had insisted that you keep holding on to it, and you would.

The car stops and Shawn slides his hand off of your thigh. “This is my stop. I guess I'll meet you inside,” he says heavily.

You give him a weak smile, knowing he doesn't want to go out and walk in with Caliey. The door opens and Shawn takes a deep breath, stepping out and the crowd gets a little louder. You smile, glancing around at the people taking photos from beyond barrier gates. It was never dull going places with Shawn.

A moment passes, just a quick second and you realize the car should be pulling away now. Shawn is out but the door is open still.

“Give me your hand,” Shawn says, leaning into the car.

“Shawn no, I'm not getting out here. Go meet Cailey.”

“Babe, get out. I'm not walking with her. You're in an Armani dress and decked out in more diamonds then I can count. I'm walking with you.”

You grab Shawn's hand and scoot across the seat. “Andrew is going to be pissed,” you laugh softly.

“He shouldn't have let me ride with you then,” Shawn smirks and you stand beside him, scooting to the side so the door can close.

The second that the press realize who you are, they go wild. It's a million questions a second, photographers yelling to look from every direction. Shawn threads his fingers through yours and walks you to the first stop along the long red carpet.

Endless photos and poses later and you and Shawn reach the entrance of the building. You look back and see Cailey walking alone, posing in the most over dramatic ways and you roll your eyes. She's in a long while dress that really just washes her out and you're glad she didn't walk with Shawn. It would have been a horrible match.

“You doing okay?” Shawn whispers against your ear as you step into the quiet building.

“Yeah, just a little bit overwhelmed. I'm glad it's over though. Did you see Cailey?”

“Oh yeah, she looks pissed.”

“Well I mean you ditched her.”

Shawn pulls you aside and grabs both of your hands. “I want nothing to do with her. I don't care what Andrew said, Cailey and her team would spin some story out of us being together any way they could. I wouldn't let that happen, I love you too much to let you get stuck in drama like that.”

“You love me?” You ask, not sure if you heard him right.

Shawn is silent, realizing what he just said.

“Shawn, you said you loved me.”

“I do. I love you. Oh my God.” He grabs your face and kisses you softly. “I absolutely positively love you.”

“I love you too,” you giggle, unable to contain yourself. How long had you wanted to say that to him, lord only knows. “I love you so, so, much, but is now the best time for us to be confessing this?”

Shawn looks around like he'd forgotten where the two of you were. There's a couple reporters with their phones out nearby but you can't be bothered.

“Can you do something for me?” Shawn asks with a grin and you say sure. “Will you hold on to this ring for me?”

Shawn slides his rose gold pinky ring off his finger and grabs your hand. He slides it over your ring finger and brings it up to his lips to kiss it softly.

“Shawn, what in the world...”

“It's a promise ring.”

“Shawn this ring is like eight hundred dollars, this is not a promise ring.”

He leans forward and presses his forehead against yours. “It is today. It’s to remind you that I love you and this isn't a dream, even though it feels like it might be.”

“You're such a sap.”

Shawn shrugs and slips his arm around you as Cailey passes by, giving a nasty look in your direction. You just grin, so smug that Shawn has your whole heart and you have his.

“Come on, let's go get dinner and then get yelled at by Andrew. The sooner this is over with, the sooner I can get you out of that dress.”

“Shawn!”

“Don't think I won't rip that dress open in the car. I've waited long enough for you,” Shawn smirks and you slap his arm as he walks you into the huge dining hall of the event building.

“Fine. I won't rip it. But as soon as we're alone together, I wanna see you in nothing but my ring on that chain around your neck.”

“I think I can manage that.”

Shawn leans down and kisses your cheek, giving your jaw a little nip that sends a rush of heat over your whole body. “Good girl,” he says smiling against your skin and you know that this was only the beginning with a whole new Shawn you had yet to explore and you know you'll be falling in love with over and over again.

[theguildedtypewriter]

What Did You Say? A guide to writing good dialogue

(Remember all pieces of advice are meant to help guide, that is all. They are not dogma.)

Ever read something and heard the dialogue in your head, and you just stopped. There was something off about it and for a solid minute there you couldn’t tell if the character was supposed to sound like that or if the author just didn’t have dialogue down. Chances are some mistakes were made. 

Dialogue can be tricky. There’s no doubt about it.

You need to make it sound like the characters are having a real conversation but if you write it exactly like people talk it can get confusing and sound even worse. 

“So how do I write good dialogue?!”

You can usually sense when your dialogue needs work. So here’s a set of some dialogue trick that might help you. When you think something is off with your dialogue use this to help you figure out what and make some changes.

All about that Flow-

It’s said all the time about your first draft, the important thing is to get the words on the page, you’ll refine later. This technique applies to your dialogue, and you’ll even come up with lines you never would have if you spent your time trying to be perfect.

You can even try writing the dialogue first. Get down what your characters are arguing about, planning, revealing, etc. Do it fast, pay no attention to who said what. Just get the words out.

This dialogue can give you a good idea what the scene is about and it might be different than what you thought. Then just go back to it and fill in.

This can be good for when you’re in a slump.

Talk it Out-

You can also practice dialogue or get yourself going by speaking the lines of two of your characters as they interact. An argument or conversation between your two character except you say all the lines as they come to you.

Overt the Obvious-

A very common mistake is creating a simple back-and-forth. Each line directly answers the previous line, often repeating a word or phrase from that previous line, echoing it. Ex:

“Hello, Tina.” “Hi, Jane.” “I really like your blouse.” “Oh, my blouse! You mean this old thing?” “Old thing! You’ve never worn it before.”

No surprises and very little interest. Some direct response is alright, but your dialogue will be better if you overt the obvious:

“Hello, Tina.” “Jane. I didn’t see you come in.” “Nice shirt.” “Did you finish your half of the project?”

Okay, I don’t know why they’re pissed at each other but this exchange is way more interesting and suggestive of what’s going on behind the scenes than the first.

(How could I not use the Crow?)

Zip It-

Another powerful way to overt the obvious is silence. It can be the best choice for an exchange. Hemingway is good at this. By using a combination silence and action, he gets the point across through a short but compelling exchanges. Look at “Soldier’s Home”:

“God has some work for every one to do,” his mother said. “There can’t be no idle hands in His Kingdom.” “I’m not in His Kingdom,” Krebs said. “We are all of us in His Kingdom.” Krebs felt embarrassed and resentful as always. “I’ve worried about you so much, Harold,” his mother went on. “I know the temptations you must have been exposed to. I know how weak men are. I know what your own dear grandfather, my own father, told us about the Civil War and I have prayed for you. I pray for you all day long, Harold.” Krebs looked at the bacon fat hardening on the plate.

You can express a lot by what a character doesn’t say.

Confrontation is your Friend-

We all want to avoid the info dump. Telling out readers everything that happened in the backstory in one chunk that slows down the story. You can avoid this by  using dialogue. When you create a tension-filled scene, typically between two characters, you can get them arguing and then have the information come out in the natural progression of the conversation. 

The not so great way:

Regina Black was a cop running from a terrible past. She had been fired for bungling an operation while she was drunk.

Try it out in a scene:

“I know who you are,” Nancy said. “You know nothing,” said Regina. “You’re that ex-cop.” “I need to be—” “From the 54th . You got your partner killed because you were drunk off your ass. Yeah, I know you.”

This can give you dialogue weight and increase your pace.

You Don’t Need ALL the Words-

People don’t often speak the say way we write things. We leave words out, we use contraction, we shorten. A standard exchange might go down like this:

“Your mom was killed? “Yes, she was in a car accident.” “What was her name?” “Her name was Martha.”

Try something more like this:

“Your mom was killed?” “Car accident.” “What was her name?” “Martha.”

This is leaner and sounds more like real speech without sounding too weird or chopped up for a reader to understand.

Don’t Explain Everything-

I know we always want to make sure that our readers understand exactly what we’re getting at. But consider the following:

“That’s amazing news,” he said gleefully.

Look right to you? 

Well, it’s not technically wrong so yeah. But this is a pretty commonly trap. You’re telling your reader your character’s feelings twice. The adverb ‘gleefully’ really isn’t needed here. Now, that’s not to say that adverbs have no place. For example:

“That’s amazing news,” he said mournfully.

Oh wait what? He’s not happy about that? Why? See in this context the adverb actually gives the reader important information quickly. Many people that they don’t like adverbs but I find them useful when not stuffed into your writing too much.

Here’s another example:

“I can’t believe it!” Marnie said.

Here, there’s no dialogue explanation, so it’s tightened up and the focus is on what is being said rather than how. Plus, readers can now imagine my OC’s surprise, which helps them get closer to my OC.

You really shouldn’t have to explain your dialogue.

Keep your dialogue transparent-

When your dialogue is powerful, the last thing you want to do is move the reader’s attention somewhere else. Explanations and ‘ly’ adverbs can break the flow because they jump out to the reader, making them focus, if only for a second, on the fact that they’re reading instead of being engrossed in the story.

Now, people may not like this, but said is NOT dead. When we see the word said, we tend to gloss over it like it were a comma or period. And that’s exactly what we want. We want the reader to pay no attention to the word but accept it’s purpose.

Study Conversations-

Coffee shops, bars, and restaurants. Fantastic places to do some people listening. This kind of people studying can really help to create dialogue that sounds so natural. I am personally a huge fan of Buffy for this because it genuinely sounded like teenagers/young adults and the pop culture references where amazing. People talk in cliches, gestures, and movie/TV quotes. So many quotes.

Also remember, conversation isn’t just words. It’s body language, tone, eye contact, facial expressions, etc. Consider this:

“You lied to me,” said John.

“I did it to protect you,” said Tate.

James moved toward John and reached for his hand. “We didn’t want you to get hurt—”

John pushed his hand away and backed away from them. “I trusted you.”

You can use actions to break up dialogue. This is a creative way to move the conversation along and show what the characters are feeling using their responses and gestures together.

Just keep in mind that if you intersperse action between every line of dialogue it loses it’s usefulness.

Don’t keep pointless prose-

As writers, we frequently stuff too many details into dialogue. You need balance realism and dialogue purpose. Dialogue is suppose to help move the story along, offer depth, and convey information. When dialogue doesn’t fulfill any of these purposes, it has to go. Look at this:

“I saw Todd in the park the other day,” said Steve.

“Oh yeah?” inquired Susan. “How is he?”

“He has a new job. He has a flexible schedule, so he has way more free time,” said Steve.

“Well, good for him,” said Susan. “Do know how he’ll use his free time?”

“No. I meant to ask him, but forgot,” said Steve.

This conversation is slow, boring, chunky, and serves no purpose. This didn’t really relay any new information and it didn’t move the story anywhere. Now, if the point was to show a stilted conversation between ex-lovers, friends, or a conversation about nothing because the characters can’t face the hard stuff, this would be great for that. But honestly, that’s a purpose right there. If you can find no purpose for the prose, take it out.

Read it aloud-

The last tip is to read your work aloud. I do this. Complete with facial expressions, gestures, and voices. It can be a really fast way of finding a problem. Pace, punctuation, flow. When you read out loud, issues with these things become crystal freaking clear.

Where did you stumble or pause unnaturally? Fix that. Any accidental rhymes or repeated words? Edit them.

Does the dialogue match the character? If your character is uneducated , make sure they sound that way. A professor? Make sure the OC sounds smart.

When you read a bad sentence you’re sure to flinch or stumble along the way. When you do, you know where there’s work to be done.

Applying your dialogue tips- 

The tips above aren’t quick fixes. You’ll need to work on them throughout the course of your writing. Don’t feel overwhelmed. Consider them one at a time. Do whatever works for you. This is all just meant to help. 

And remember,

NEVER STOP WRITING!

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 70 - PIT - Better Days

We’re racing to the bottom at this point, right? There was a moment during this game when everyone live tweeting kinda realized: shit, they could be in 26th place by the end of the night! We already know this collapse has been historic but what if we became the first team to occupy first place and last place in the same season? Ottawa has to go on a run! You got to laugh, or you’ll cry, right? Six straight losses dealt just absolutely mercilessly to the heart of Sabres fans… or at least the ones who are still watching. The wheels coming off in February was one thing but this… this is some divine retribution. Is Mike Harrington actually God and he’s endlessly punishing the Sabres for the tank? Buffalo hasn’t scored a goal in three games! Sure, they’ve come close to a goal here and there but holy shit! You would think one would accidentally go in through nine periods of hockey but here we are! Can all the Jack Eichel haters climb back into their Chevy Suburbans and fuck off now? These two games have been Exhibit A in why Jack Eichel is crucially important to this team. Never mind his scoring touch, this team felt rudderless these last two games. They looked out of it from the moment Phil Kessel scored. JP Dumont and Danny Briere made a luxury box appearance at this game. Who didn’t get emotional at that camera shot? If not for nostalgia than the sudden fear of Jeff Skinner walking to Free Agency. That last Briere Sabres was the last one that won a playoff series. Mind you, the Sabres won the division three years after Briere-Drury but that last playoff win was almost twelve years ago. As the throngs of Penguins jerseys flooded into the Key Bank Center for this game John Vogl pointed out you would have to be no younger than 17 right now to remember the Sabres last playoff win. I don’t want to restate again and again how disappointing it is these guys didn’t coast into the playoffs this season but gee, I’m 24, I scarcely remember 2007. I was in Middle School calling sexual reproduction gross and certainly not paying attention to hockey! I don’t really even have a sense of what a good Sabres team is either! Now I don’t know if I’ll see it. I don’t know if they’ll score again, does anyone? This game was just a drag dragging a drag of a drag hockey team! Yuck.

The first period actually wasn’t a total nightmare. No goals were scored by either team but the Sabres looked like they were knocking. Moreover, one of the prime knockers was Alex Nylander! There is an alternate reality where that line of Casey Mittelstadt centering a line of Tage Thompson and Nylander is the break out rookie dynamo line backing up the Eichel line to the playoffs. I don’t mind that line starting right out of camp next season assuming they’re all still Sabres. Perhaps that’s your third line assuming new guys come in, but we’ll see. With that little dose of optimism has to come the heaping shit sandwich of some Phil Housley inspired insanity: the defensive scheme in this game was awful from start to finish. Look at any opportunity the Penguins set up and you’ll see what a basketball fan may call zone defense. I don’t know what the fuck to call it except terrible. That’s not how you beat this Pittsburgh team. We could’ve swept these fuckers in the season series for the first time in recorded history had we won, right? The last two games against these guys were defensive battles. We have a coach who is supposedly one of the greatest NHL defensemen ever and this is how he coaches the blue line? There was a decent powerplay for Buffalo late in the first but nonetheless Carter Hutton was just barraged with high-danger shots. I feel so bad for him and Ullmark; any blame they take for this is trivial at best. Sure, they haven’t but up November numbers lately but its clear they’re not the reason the Sabres are losing at this clip.

Shit started rolling down hill in the second period. Conor Sheary continued to play well against his former team as he was involved in probably ever other Sabres shot but none of his would go through this game. It was Phil Kessel who benefited from one of those back-and-forth split-the-defense plays to tap it in on the powerplay. I could’ve done without the hordes of Pens fans in attendance cheering after that goal. If Pens games are going to feel like away games now too than that’s one of our bigger problems as fans in the immediate future. Yikes. Rasmus Dahlin got a nifty little breakaway shot before the Penguins next goal but everything is sad right now for Sabres fans so that made me worry he’s frustrated in this situation too. Brian Dumoulin scored a goal that looked accidental. It was just an aerial puck on net, and it went in. That was just weird, unlucky shit. Then Patric Hornqvist’s goal a couple minutes later was preceded immediately on the Sabres broadcast by RJ and Rob Ray discussing how Hornqvist has made his career being a net-front guy. It was like a bad omen. It was spoken into existence. I didn’t bother with the third period; I knew they weren’t coming back from that and I’m a loyal fan, I sincerely am but this shit was so fucking played out. It felt like we were all in on the same joke only its one of those self-deprecating jokes you tell to appear likeable. Garbage. This game was garbage. Nick Bjugstad is a Penguin now and he scored a goal straight off the bench like he knows what fun hockey looks like. Eight minutes later at 18:02 into the third period Jake Guentzel cashed in on a deflection and the final score of this garbage dump game was 5-0 for the visitors. It’s official now: this is the second time in Sabres history the team has gone three games without a goal. The first time that happened was… pause for dramatic irony… last season. Poor funnel guy was so sober watching this game. The poor guy took a shot from the funnel at the end just for the hell of it, but you can tell he was fully cognizant of each and every shitty Sabres moment in this game.

I don’t know how to approach this team anymore. I suppose Eichel coming back next game and the raw desire to hold up Carolina on Saturday in anyway possible drives me but what are we really doing? 11 games left and no chance of a playoff berth: what are we doing? I for one have more or less moved onto the soccer season which, thank God, starts in March in America. I am more excited for Congressional committee hearings at this point than the next Sabres game. The Bachelor is over now too. Hmm… yeah, I suppose there is just another coming of that awful helpless feeling we’ve experienced too much the last few years. The Coach is bad, he doesn’t think there is a pride issue in the locker room but holy shit, just watch the games. The GM has signaled very subtly that change is coming but what that is and how effective it will be after we already had a wicked off-season last year is just a big ugly wildcard. Elliotte Friedman did a radio hit in Toronto this morning and confirmed what should be obvious at this point: Jason Botterill is not afraid to be aggressive and move some parts out come June and July. There are a bunch of wildcards with the big club and unless you’re getting real engaged in Amerks hockey like me right now, your hockey life might be quite shit right now as a Sabres fan. Hey, the Draft Lottery will happen on April 9th this year! That’s super early. I hoped the draft lottery wouldn’t be the most exciting part of Sabres life in April this season but here we are! Let’s hope Danny Briere came to this game to cast a spell to reverse the fortunes of the franchise again and ensure Jeff Skinner doesn’t walk in free agency.

I apologize to those of you who follow me for hockey takes and see me tweeting soccer now. I really appreciate your follow, sincerely I do, but that is for my mental health, fam. All kidding aside, it is humbling to realize the New Look Sabres blog has something of a following now. You brave few are a fun bunch and I appreciate you. Like, share and comment to get the word out on this weird little thing. I can’t help but imagine if you hopped on the Sabres wagon in September with me and rode through this first season according to my takes. For one, wow that’s a cool choice you made. For two, this season kind of feels like a microcosm of what this whole decade has been like as a Sabres fan: heartbreak around every turn but some fun times mixed in there that just gives you that little flash of better days that must be ahead. Ops, I said better days! The folks who remember the last decade of the Sabres just started balling their eyes out. This is probably a better time that not to wrap it up! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I want to apologize to Ben Mathewson: the Bruce Boudreau idea is a fun one. I did in fact get him confused with Randy Carlyle because of their similar faces.

[obsessivefangirl]

Ok. I'll bite.

How? Any sources?

This entire post has sources. That was my beginning sentence, which soon was full with why I believed so, with sources. If you didn't add this I'd feel like your argument would be much more credible because I clearly gave an explanation and sources.

Actually JK gave an explanation why she chose this pseudonym

Begrudgingly I will admit that I have no counterpoint for this. I do find it suspicious that she accidentally got that name, but I have no smoking evidence for this.

Do you really think she wrote this interesting character with such a dramatic backstory to mock homosexuals? Really?

Honestly, no. You know what I think? I think werewolves aren't even a metaphor. I think she's been on a woke spree to get attention on Twitter. Every day no one's talking about her she makes another tweet about "Hey did you know um this? Please talk about me" That's what I think. But, if she did mean to, then that was a stereotype and she shouldn't be praised for it. Also dramatic? Her books are decent but come on.

Lupin was infected by Fenrir in act of revenge, I red book many years ago, but I don’t remember Fenrir being gay. You can call me out here though.

To my knowledge he's not gay. But the point is if it's really a metaphor, then this older man preyed on a young boy and gave him AIDs. Not exactly a good look for her.

Soooo about Dumbledore being gay. How do you expect for JK to write and publish a book for children with open gay character in 1997 with the law in England, that caused many organisations such as lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender student support groups to close, limit their activities? How Dumbledore being gay is relevant for story(it’s a cool bonus though)? Did you expect Dumbledore doing drag, or wearing gay pin or just sit with Harry and have a talk like hoho Harry I’m GAY? Like how?

I'm not saying that. Her movies on Fantastic Beasts could've shown this diverse world she built up on Twitter and she didn't. I'm not sure if this is another movie or Fantastic Beasts as well but Albus was shown as younger and we saw NOTHING. When she's on Twitter she's so diverse but the second she writes something it's all the same again.

About Cho Chang, “Chang” is a common Chinese surname and can be translated as “Bright”(it fists her personality well, since she is popular girl). “Cho Chang” in Chinese means “melancholy” (she lost her boyfriend, you know, IMO she has simple but meaningful name)

So. Thing about quite a few stereotypes. They're not horrible on their own. The problem is when there's so many of them. Butch lesbians are great to see! But when all muscley tomboys are lesbians then that's a stereotype. Same thing with Chang. Chang is an Asian name, but its been overused. Like, if you had a smart Asian, ok. But if there's only one Asian and they're brilliant at math, that's not really ok and enforcing that stereotype.

“In her infamous (or, probably, famous for radfems)” Do you really think that ALL radfems adore JK and read all her books like a holy bible?😭 Did YOU actually red her book? Or you base your opinion about the book on other people opinions?

Of course I don't think you treat her like God. I just thought maybe radfems would like the book because it has your beliefs. Also, I did read her stuff. I loved her stuff. It's been years, so I may be rusty, but I read all her books.

Sooo JK might be ableist... because one of the antagonists of her books is disabled...right...yeah...sure💀

*Audible sigh* Look. I don't care if one antagonist is disabled. The problem is every single person in her stories are abled except for this person who's the villain. Same reason why it's offensive to have the only Black person be a villain. It's really telling when she has the BIG BAD PEDO be a disabled person and no one else. Plus, this isn't even a small detail. She even points it out on their bio in the story

Aaaaaaand for bonus some “warm” words to JK from trans community 🥰

This part is dumb. These people are dicks yeah, but I've been given so much anon hate by radfems and I never pull out the hate card. I have never wished harm on her.

Even if i think she's a saint her book isn't even that creative. She ripped off Tolkien for like everything.

Terf/Radfems/Transphobes in general who support JK Rowling: Why? Sure, you agree with her stance on trans people, but I feel like you're missing so much bigotry in her just because she has one or two beliefs you can follow.

Even if you think trans people are Satan himself, I just can't think of any other reason to like her. She is by far the most bigoted creator I know and I'm baffled anyone would support her

[aniallstory-blog]

Chapter Ten

Things stayed tense between Niall and I after he left for America. We talked and checked in everyday, but it wasn't the same. There was still tension between us and it was hard to fix from opposite sides of the world. 

I debated taking some time off work to go out and visit him as I'd planned to, but my stubborn side kicked in when I realized that once again that just meant I was rearranging my life to suit his. For the most part he was just over there finalizing the album, doing promo for Slow Hands and playing the occasional show. If he really wanted to, he was more than able to take a day or two to come home and discuss our issues with me. So I left it even though it felt like a part of me was missing every time we had a superficial conversation about how our days were.

A week after he'd left Slow Hands was released and despite everything, I couldn't have been more proud. As I knew they would, all the fans were loving it. Especially since it was such a sexy tune, they all lost it, amusing me to no end with their speculation about how Niall was in bed. I tweeted my support straight away knowing his eagle eyed fans would instantly know something was wrong if I didn't and then I messaged him to tell him how proud I was and how happy I was for him that it was such a success. He called me instantly and we had our first decent conversation since our fight. We laughed, we joked, I read him some particularly racy comments from fans and smiled as he laughed awkwardly always shocked by how desperate they were to get him into bed, he told me how genuinely surprised he was by it's quick success and I assured him he was crazy for ever doubting that.

It felt like the old us again and I could tell we both felt relieved, but as soon as we hung up, the sadness and disappointment crept back in. I knew it was my own issue, one I would just have to work through, but I was struggling. I knew I loved him, I knew he loved me and I knew that our relationship was strong enough to last another two years before we got married (if it wasn't then getting married wouldn't solve anything), but I didn't want to wait and I couldn't shake the disappointment that I had to.

Once Niall realized that conversation wasn't an indication that I was completely over it, he tried his best to cheer me up. He messaged me more than he had been the previous week, he sent me selfies and videos (a particularly cruel one of him dancing shirtless to a clip of Slow Hands which did eventually end up on his Snapchat causing me to suddenly sympathize with his fans about how sexually frustrated he left us all) and he called me every night, but while I was thoroughly enjoying all of his attempts I was still just sad at the end of the day.

-

The weeks were simultaneously dragging and flying by. Time seemed to be moving quickly, but it felt like forever since Niall was home. I missed him. For the most part I managed to keep myself busy, but weekends when I didn't work were the hardest. With nothing to occupy my time, I was mopey and lonely and one Saturday about three weeks after he left I found myself re-watching his Instagram and Snapchat videos (thanks to the lovely fans that saved them and posted them online) to try and feel close to him again. I was just enjoying a video of him playing Slow Hands on guitar wearing shorts that really showcased his, um, private area, when my phone rang. I picked it up off the couch next to me and was shocked to see Liam's face on the screen.

“Hello?” I answered, half expecting it to be a butt dial.

“Hello, love!” He said cheerily. “You alright?”

“I am,” I smiled, pausing the video of Niall that was playing on my laptop. “How are you? How's the new little baby?”

“He's great! Honestly, so wonderful. Couldn't be happier,” I could practically see the grin bursting off Liam's face as he spoke. “That was actually kinda why I was calling, are you busy today?”

“No, not really,” I told him. “Have a few errands to run, but nothing important.”

“Perfect!” Liam exclaimed. “Would you like to come meet Bear?”

“Of course! What time were you thinking?”

“We'll be around all day, just chillin' at home so you can come whenever you'd like.”

I told him I'd probably be there early in the afternoon, then quickly busied myself with getting ready, eager to get my errands out of the way to go see the cute little baby waiting for me.

-

Liam pulled me into a hug the second he opened the door.

“S'good to see you!” He cheered, giving me a squeeze.

I'd always had a good relationship with the all the boys in the band. Obviously I was closest with Niall and Harry, but the other two (or three, at the start) had quickly accepted me into their family.

“You too, Liam,” I smiled, pulling away and holding up the paper gift bag in my hand. “I brought gifts!”

“You didn't need to do that!” He protested, but I simply rolled my eyes and forced the bag in his hands.

“How will I ever secure the title of favourite aunt if I don't shower him with presents?” Liam laughed and shook his head, but reluctantly took the bag. “Now, where is the little guy?”

Liam's chest puffed up with pride almost subconsciously as he led the way into their living room where Cheryl was sitting, watching her son as he laid on a mat on the floor trying to shove his whole fist in his mouth.

“Oh my gosh, look how tiny he is!” I squealed quietly so I didn't startle the poor thing. Cheryl's face lit up with a proud smile as I quickly leaned down to give her a hug. I'd met Cheryl several times over the years and a handful of times since she became Liam's partner. She was a sweetheart and we'd always gotten along well. “How're you doing? Motherhood treating you well?”

“Absolutely,” She beamed. “Other then the lack of sleep and constantly feeling like a cow waiting to be milked, it's wonderful.”

“You look wonderful, can barely tell you're not sleeping much,” I assured her before my attention drifted to the baby on the floor. I quickly knelt down beside him and leaned over to get a good look at his face, stroking his cheek slightly as he peered up at me. “Hiya mate, how're you? It's so nice to finally meet you. You're so handsome!”

He flashed me a gummy smile at my gushing and kicked his little legs with excitement.

“He just woke up from his nap not too long ago so he should be in a decent mood,” Cheryl told me. “You can hold him if you'd like.”

I nodded eagerly and scooped him into my arms, laughing as he instantly grabbed a fistful of my hair in his little hand.

“Careful,” Liam warned. “He almost took a chunk out of my sister's hair the other day.”

I playfully gasped as I gently wiggled my hair out of his grip.

“You would never do such a thing, would you?” I asked the gurgling baby in my arms. “You're far too cute to cause any trouble.”

That earned a laugh from both his parents.

“Yeah, right,” Cheryl shook her head. “He's more than enough trouble and he knows he's cute enough to get away with it.”

“Well you must take after your Uncle Niall then, he has the same problem. Thinks he can get out of anything by flashing a smile.”

“Speaking of,” Cheryl started, sharing a look with her boyfriend. “When are you two going to start popping out babies. Bear could use a little buddy close to his age.”

I scoffed and moved to the couch, settling Bear in my lap.

“I think I'll be lucky to get a wedding out of Niall at this point, nevermind a baby.” Sympathy took over Cheryl's face and realization washed over me. “Oh god, you already know, don't you? Niall told you all about our fight when he saw you at Wango Tango or whichever show it was so you invited me here to lower my defences with your adorable child and get information for him. I feel betrayed.”

Bear giggled in my lap as if he knew exactly what I was saying as Cheryl shook her head frantically and Liam laughed along with his son.

“Betrayed? God, you have a flare for the dramatics, just like Harry. Must run in the family.” He teased. “I did talk to Niall while I was in America and he's worried about you. He knows you're upset and sad so I figured I'd check in and make sure you're alright. I'm not gathering information for Niall, just checking on a friend.”

“Your parents lured me into a trap, Bear,” I sighed at the little baby looking up at me. “Came here to meet you and keep my mind of things and they want me to talk about my feelings.”

“I just thought it might help you to talk to someone who can see things from both sides,” Cheryl offered. “I've been the one who's on tour, not prioritizing things properly and accidentally hurting people I love and I've been the one who's waiting at home and not always feeling like a priority. It's a tough situation.”

“I know it is,” I admitted. “And I knew what Niall's life was like before we got together and well before we got engaged. I was just looking forward to the wedding so much. We picked a venue, I was ready to start looking at dresses and then all of a sudden it's postponed indefinitely. It was disappointing, but it's my issue, you know? I just have to sulk for a while and then I'll be fine. I've done a lot of thinking the last few weeks and I do kinda understand where he's coming from.”

“Do you?” Liam asked, looking at me skeptically. “Then why have you barely spoken to him since he left?”

“We speak everyday,” I rolled my eyes. “But I keep things a bit brief because talking to him reminds me how much I love him and how excited I am to marry him, but then I remember that that won't be happening any time soon and it makes me sad. I just need some space, that's all.”

Cheryl nodded with understanding, but Liam was still eyeing me up.

“Don't think I didn't hear his voice when you answered your phone. Watching his interviews or Snapchat videos is going to have the same effect as actually talking to him, no?”

“I guess so, but I do miss him. It comforts me to watch them.”

My voice was quiet and I lowered my gaze back to Bear. I felt like a child being scolded by her parents.

“You know I love ya, Avery, but I love Niall more,” Liam informed me, putting his hands on his hips in a protective manner. “If you miss him, call him. Have a real conversation with the poor lad before he goes insane. He thinks you won't get over this, he said you wanted to give back your ring?”

“What?!” I practically shrieked, disturbing the happy baby on my lap. He whined at my outburst and I gently bounced my knee until he calmed down again. “What are you on about? I never tried to give back my ring...”

“Liam,” Cheryl warned. “It's their business. We're here to support her if she wants, not accuse her or meddle.”

Liam ignored her, still staring me down.

“He said that you asked what the point of you even having it was if you weren't getting married anytime soon.”

My eyebrows scrunched up in annoyance as I realized what he was referring to.

“I just said that if we won't even be planning a wedding for another two years then there's no difference between now and when we weren't engaged. I said that it seemed silly for me to even have the ring when he was still more of a boyfriend than a fiance, but I didn't try to give it back and I have no plans to.”

“Then you might want to tell him that,” Liam shrugged. “He's having a tough time with this too. He feels horrible and he looks even worse. I don't think he's had a good night sleep since he left London.”

“I'm trying, Liam,” I told him, getting a touch more defensive. “Besides, for someone so torn up about the whole thing, he hasn't tried that hard to fix it. He could easily have flown back to talk it out with me or asked me to come to LA, but he hasn't. I think we both need some space and time to think about things.”

“Surely asking you to come to LA would just be asking you to rearrange your life for him once again, wouldn't it?”

I scowled, realizing Niall must have told him more about our argument than I first thought. I was about to snap back at him when Cheryl interrupted.

“Liam, that's enough,” She scolded, making Bear's little eyes widen at her tone as he looked over at her. “You said your piece, gave her some things to think about, now drop it. It's not your place.”

Liam looked ready to argue, but after a few moments of silence, his face softened.

“You're right,” He sighed. “Sorry, Avery. I just love both of ya and don't like seeing ya fight. Just give him a call, yeah?”

I forced a smiled and nodded.

“I will,” I assured him. “And I do appreciate the concern. You're daddy's a good friend, Bear.”

Bear shouted in what I assumed was agreement as he kicked his little feet.

-

Liam headed to the studio shortly after our little discussion, leaving me to spend the rest of the afternoon catching up with Cheryl and playing with little Bear. We talked more about the issues I was having with Niall, Cheryl's tactic much less aggressive than Liam's had been and it did help to talk to someone who could see Niall's point of view. She agreed he'd made a mistake by not consulting me before telling the label he had no plans in the near future and by not telling me as soon as he realized that the wedding would have to be postponed, but she also could relate to the excitement of releasing a new album and the tunnel vision that comes along with it. 

Eventually we agreed that I was probably doing the right thing by trying to get a bit of space so that my lingering disappointment didn't cause more arguments and bigger issues, but she recommended I try my best to work through it as quickly as possible because Niall didn't mean to prioritize his work over me. He just made a mistake that any passionate musician could have made.

By the time I'd left that evening, I felt a bit lighter than I had since Niall left. I was still sad that my dream wedding wouldn't be happening for a lot longer than I anticipated, but it helped to hear from someone else that Niall's carelessness wasn't personal, it was just an occupational hazard. I still had a lot to think about and wasn't planning on rushing off to LA full of apologies, but my mind felt much less fuzzy than it had in weeks.

[thisiscsdx]

Why it’s okay to be scared and still resist.

With everything Trump has been doing, is it normal to be scared of it?

Of course it is!! It's human nature!! After all, we have a man that possibly committed treason with Russia, and even if there's no evidence to it as people claim, he sure as shit acts like he's guilty given his constant denial of it, the various executive orders he signs to distract from it, his tweeting that is also an attempt to distract from it, and the fact that he fired 3 people investigating him.

The guy is a thinskinned menace to society who is a tortoise on a fence post. We don't know how he got up there, he doesn't belong there, and someone should fucking get him down from there.

You also go "Oh, but Hillary mishandled classified emails", well, Mike Pence, the current VP, did the exact same damn thing, with the only difference being that his actual email account was hacked, rather than a fucking private server. Regardless of whatever, it still isn't a National Tragedy like you make it out to be.

You elected a fascist because of emails. That sentence alone should make you realize the Hell you put your country through, but it isn't, because you're as thickheaded as Jabba the Hut is fat and grotesque.

You clearly don't know how to judge a man by his actions without being told to, because, otherwise, you'd look at everything Trump has done, tweeted about, etc., and you'd go, "Ya know, maybe that Trump guy isn't so smart and caring" THE GUY SAID HE WANTED TO FUCK HIS DAUGHTER ON THE FUCKING HOWARD STREN SHOW!!

Hell, despite all of that, none of it, and I mean NONE of it, pales in comparison to you people selling out and going along with ALL of that, going against true Conservative values, because it meant a win for your political party. Oh, you know how Kasich and McCain are speaking out against Trump? You know why, to you, it sounds like a Liberal agenda? Because they're being goddamn patriots, which is more than I can say about you shitheads.

Despite everything, you guys ended up okay with it, because it didn't conflict with your little bubble of your political ideologies and beliefs, and that is the worst crime one could commit. Selling yourself out so you can try to be on the winning side of history. Except you're not. If you've been paying attention to reality, you'd see the Trump Train has been derailing into a train wreck months ago.

And you'll probably go, "Oh well if he ran as Liberal you'd blindly support him" well first off, you're admitting that I'm right with that, and second, newsflash, people, I'd sooner chop off my own leg, break the bones in it so it's basically a noodle, and then attempt to skip rope with it in the middle of a 5 star motel than ever vote for him, regardless of political affiliation.

That's the issue with this. The moment Trump was nominated as the Republican nominee, it stopped being about political sides and bacame about being a patriot and a person that actually gives a damn about his people. Not to mention, you bitch when celebrities get involved in this, but did you know? You voted for a braindead reality TV star!!

So, yeah, I am scared. And you know what? You should be, too, for letting your political beliefs, ideologies, and worldview cloud your judgement to the point that you thought a guy openly admitting to sexually assaulting women ON TAPE MIGHT I ADD, who thinks building a wall will magically fix this country's problems when immigrants are the backbone of our society(btw, how'd that work out for China?), called Mexicans druggies and rapists, defended a sexual predator during SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH, and outright said he could kill a man and still get votes due to your stupidity, is SOMEHOW A BETTER DEAL than a woman who accidentally mishandled emails.

I may be scared of what's to come, but goddamn it I'm gonna fight and resist all I can to make sure people will know this country isn't a safe haven for white supremacists and nationalist dummies. I know this probably won't convince you much, but I implore you to not dismiss differing views as fake news, and not support hate speech because freedom of speech and political alignment. Because this is how dictatorships start, and this is how true freedom dies in a fire.

Oh, and firing the FBI director while he's investigating a possible crime you committed is obstruction of justice, an impeachable offense, and is literally admitting you're as guilty of a crime as M. Night Shyamalan is of fucking up The Last Airbender movie!!

[cass-burger]

RTX Sydney: An Experience

Ok so now the verbal part right? (This has taken so long to write I’m so sorry jfc it’s not even relevant anymore BUT THERES IMPORTANT STUFF OK)

Before the first day even started we were introduced to Sydney in RTX time by running into both Lawrence of Funhaus and Ryan of AH in the first day of being in Sydney. • We happened to be in the same group as Lawrence that did the walk around the top of the Skytower in Sydney’s CBD. • Ryan later that day organised an impromptu meetup in Hyde Park so we ventured there and gawked at his realness before taking a photo with him. He is amazing.

The second day was the first day of RTX • Our day started with a massive queue out the front in the sweltering Sydney heat. We didn’t mind that much. We were too busy being excited. • They opened the doors and we eventually got into the show floor. More waiting. • The atmosphere was great in the crowd before they Opened™ RTX to the public. A weird square inflatable was tossed into the crowd and bounced around. • As soon as they opened the doors I immediately made my way to the exit and ran to queue up for my first panel: Always Open. • We get into the panel and I’m so close it’s amazing. • Barbara, off stage, announced her presence and introduced the show by shouting in her Aussie accent “What’s up yer fuckin cunts!” • I have never cheered more loudly in my life • Always Open was an amazing panel with so many great moments with even certain (embarrassing) shout outs from yours truly. • Once the panel was over we made our way back through the halls to the show floor. On my way through the hall I slowed to see if my friend’s panel had finished yet - and saw Lindsay Jones walking towards me. • I was like “Oh hey Lindsay!” and she was like “Hey man!” I joked that I would walk with her as part of her group back to the hall and was like “Yeah man! You’re part of the gang now!” • I only died a little bit inside. • Barbara was right behind her and before I knew it she was walking alongside me. I awkwardly and nervous was like “Hey Barb” and she was like “Hi!” The following conversation went something along the lines of: Me: “I’m just gonna pretend that I’m not nervous as fuck that I’m having a conversation with Barbara Dunkelman” Her: “Nah man you’re doing great!” Me: “Oh ok cool. Well I’m totally not ok right now. And the rest of the conversation was a blur to me but I was so so so happy guys it was wild. • Me and my friend idled around the show floor for a while and then went to Ryan and Jeremy’s Streaming 101. •On the way to the panel I passed Gus and Geoff. I was too in shock to comprehend. His is fucking giant and Geoff is surprisingly tall. •My friend who was right behind me was too busy weaving through the crowd and weaved right past them, not realising who she had just brushed past as she kept her eyes to the ground. She was understandably pissed. • I didn’t let it go the whole weekend. • The panel was amazing and hilarious. Rimmulous Timmulous quickly gained a lot of followers. Good to know he’s a local. • I witnessed a live Ryan flub. I am blessed. • We rushed from the panel once it was over back to the show floor to line up for the autograph session with Jack, Michael and Lindsay. • Lindsay remembered me from earlier. Again, I only died just a little. • We gave Lindsay and Michael a baby present so look out for that. • Jack was unsure whether he was in Volume 3 of RWBY when I offered for him to sign my Tugg Screening poster from last year. • Lindsay quickly corrected him. • There was so much to take in and honestly I don’t think I talked with Michael that much which I regret because he is my fav. • After the signing we wandered around the show floor again and waited for the next panel: Off Topic. • There was a slight problem. Off Topic began at the same time I had a signing with Barb and Elyse. • My friend went to line up for Off Topic while I lined up for the autograph session. The plan was she was going to save me a spot. • I made some great friends while waiting for the session to start. The banter was great. • Barb and Elyse finally came out and luckily I was second in the queue. I insisted that Elyse signed the RWBY poster which she wouldn’t. I also said she should totally be in future volumes. • I talked with Barb, again, and I was a nervous and awkward wreck, again. • We got a photo with my Yang plushy and it was great but I’m pretty sure I annoyed Barb with my nervousness. • Then again I’m totally looking into that way too far so on the upside: Barb told me that there was no reason to be nervous and I was doing fine and to chill. • As soon as the autographs were done I rushed to Off Topic - only to be stopped by my friend right outside autographs to be informed that it had capped and there was no more space, AND that she had missed out on the cutoff by literally 3 people. • We were both equally bummed. • I tweeted the pic of me Barb and Elyse, and Elyse liked it!!! I was so happy. • We moped around the show floor for a bit and made a plan to go extra early for the line to the RWBY finale screening to secure our place there. • However the RTX queues twitter, with an hour before the screening, said that there was no line for the RWBY screening yet. So we leisurely made our way to start a line - only to find a massive crowded line going down the length of the hall. For RWBY. We barely got in to the unplanned matinee screening. So thank you for that twitter page. • After RWBY we rushed to Theatre Mode Live and due to us being late got a place right up the back. It didn’t stop our enjoyment. • Theatre Mode Live was the best experience of the day by far. And we were there for RTX history: Jeremy going to the bathroom live! • After that we left and wandered around the harbour for a bit. Somewhere in there I lost my wallet. My source of money and ID and transportation. So that was great. • In our retracing our steps and searching for my wallet, we accidentally stumbled upon the Kinda Funny meet-up with Tim Gettys and Greg Miller. We quickly got away from that for fear of intrusion. • We went home bummed, me riding off my friends charity which I hated. It was a real shitty end to an amazing day.

Our third day in Sydney: Day 2 of RTX • I didn’t sleep the Saturday night. We got home around midnight and I had been chosen to be an extra in an RT shoot the Sunday morning. That required me getting up at 5 in the morning, so I just didn’t bother sleeping at all. • The shoot was fun but exhausting. It was just running back and forth in the morning heat in torn clothing. I got a really nice view of the harbour and skyline at dawn though. • As the morning got later I realised the shoot would be going later than planned - and that if I stayed I would be late to the first panel • I still can’t believe but yes I snuck away from an RT production, one that I was in. • I then ran to the ferry that would take me across the harbour to the convention. I was still poor so public transport was the only way. • On the other side I had the option of waiting another ten minutes for the slow-as-fuck ferry to make it from one side of the very small bay to the other side, where the convention centre was, or to jump off on the other sides dock and run the length of the bay to the convention centre. • I ran the length of that bay. • Miraculously, somehow, I got into the RWBY panel on time. • The RWBY panel was alright, if not a bit disappointing, but that was expected. • I was unable to get my question asked, (so sorry to the people on here that would have liked to hear the answer, I’m equally as bummed) but the panel apparently preferred to hear shout outs and get hugs from fans. • After the RWBY panel me and my friend met up in the expo hall and hung around there for a bit, but ultimately decided that lining up for the AH panel early was the best plan so that we wouldn’t repeat the Off Topic incident the previous day. • We queued up an hour in advance and it was the best queue I’ve been in. Everyone for the full hour were just shouting Achievement Hunter references at the top of their lungs. • The Achievement Hunter panel was great but I was still bummed we missed out on Off Topic. • After that panel we went back into the expo hall /again/ and decided to hang around there until the end of the day when Gav and Michael played the Nintendo Switch. • We wandered around and looked stalls which were all very cool, but eventually we resigned to sitting down and chilling for a while. It had been an exhausting few days. • We chose to sit down next to the exit and it happened to be the best accident we ever made. • We happened to be situated right next to where all the RT people would come down from their chilling space upstairs to go to their panels and signings. • We saw many people walk past which was pretty cool, one of them being Geoff again (who waved at me mind you, yeah I’m totally fine) and I made sure my friend didn’t miss him this time. • We eventually made our way over the centre stage to watch Gav and Michael play the Switch and it was great and funny to watch, however I could feel my exhaustion getting to me by then. • By that point I had now been awake about 34 hours. • After the Switch the convention was officially over. We wandered around the hall a bit more but it felt so surreal that it had actually finished. It felt so quick. • We were leaving the centre but my friend wanted to stay on the odd chance that RT would be out in the foyer. I insisted that it was over and that we should just go. • Just as I said that Barbara walked down the steps for signings and photos. That's probably the best time I've been proven wrong. • I got a photo (and another fucking signing) and then apologised for seeing and talking to her so much jfc. She must have been sick of me by the end of the weekend smh • After we got the photos and finally felt concluded as complete at the end of the convention we headed into the city and hung for a bit, waiting for the meet-up with Jack and Caiti • We found the group waiting for the meet-up outside a very small pub. If this was where they were gonna hold the meet-up I was pretty sure it would be very crowded. • The crowd didn't actually end up being too big and there was a nice small but lively atmosphere. We made a lot of friends. • Jack and Caiti showed up and started making their way around to each table and having a decent conversation with each person. • On one hand it was quite surreal but on the other hand it was so nice and goes to prove my point that Jack and Caiti and the purest cinnamon buns on the planet. • Somehow I ended in a conversation with Caiti and about 6 other fans that devolved into very deep philosophy and talking about the way the human mind is programmed to work and at this point I had been awake about 38 so I was having my mind blown repeatedly. • I would think that's what being high would be like. • Somehow I kept up with the conversation and inputted with points but I can't remember what we talked about now. I was too tired. • Somewhere in there I asked about whether Velvet would be back in RWBY anytime soon and she said she didn't know, but that she would push for Velvet to be put back in ASAP on my behalf. That may have been the alcohol talking lol. • Towards the end of the night I got to talk with Jack and he is a funny and great dude to talk to let me tell you. • The meet-up lasted until about midnight. • Jack and Caiti personally said goodbye to each person that had showed up. I even ended getting a hug from Jack. • We made our way home and ended up in bed by about 1 in the morning. I finally got sleep after 42 hours awake. • Our RTX Sydney weekend experience was finally over.

So yeah that's my very important points about the best weekend of my life. And if you're still reading, first of all why, second of all WHY. Love yourself. This just droned on jfc. Thanks for wasting your time reading 😄

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Upstaged by the Tubemen

More WWE Raw fun and Smackdown wackiness.

Don’t forget you can follow Emma on Twitter as @Waruce and I’m @grizzlefur.

Transmission date: Monday 16/Tuesday 17 January 2017

. Reigns. Rollins. Kendrick. Perkins. Kingston Anderson Woods Gallows GallagherDaivariGulakNese This is. This is. This is. FRIDAY AFTENOON RAW! Because what fun would this blog be without references that precisely one person reading it will get?

.

Some extended technical/life failures later (it's now Tuesday), let's start the show!

.

in memoriam of Jimmy Snuka to start .

RIP, quite possibly a murderer .

and we open the show proper on an MLK day memorial package .

wwe, that trailblazer of racial sensitivity and equality .

but tbh, it's just nice to see videos of dr king at the moment .

and now let's have inspirational pictures of famous black people, chosen seemingly at random

.

(i'm being cynical here, but that was nice) .

and roll titles .

featuring more cruiserweights than i remember .

but it's entirely possible i just wasn't paying attention .

in any case .

we're in little rock .

and we open with roman reigns .

aaaaaaand there goes all the goodwill in the room .

the shark cage is still posing on the stage for some reason .

recap package of roman getting dicked on by kevin and chris .

i'm all in favour of heel stables holding all the belts, tbh .

still waiting for sanity to sweep nxt .

chris wouldn't have to cut much weight to be a cruiserweight .

just saying .

credit to roman opening his promo by acknowledging that he has no right to complain about being outnumbered .

but this promo has also reminded me that he's totally going to take the universal championship and headline mania .

because that went so well last year .

and here comes paul heyman to show roman how promos should work .

apparently brock is here tonight .

great .

(ugh, the single-adjective coda has been ruined) .

(sad) .

crowd do enormous goldberg chants, paul just waits for them to get it out of their system and be like yeeeeeeah he's not here tonight

.

again, paul does the eat/sleep/elimination/repeat thing, and roman actually points out how that makes no sense .

and now we have chris and kevin .

to be fair, the us title belt really ties chris' stupid outfit together .

clearly his problem was too much midriff .

chris is still angling for a kevin/chris mania main event .

it'll never happen, but i would watch the shit out of that .

kevin's like yeahhhhh not convinced but ANYWAY .

tension is sown .

and now, add rollins .

fuck it, let's just bring everyone out .

start the rumble early .

seth is also angling to win the rumble .

to be fair, i could see seth/roman working as a mania headline .

let seth get his belt back before finn kills him for it .

and here's braun .

*waits for titus* .

ok, it's brock .

but still .

anyone else waiting backstage? .

titus? .

cody rhodes? .

dixie carter? .

sami appears from nowhere to jump on braun, cue everything being a brawl .

brock suplexes everyone to the underworld, gets a nice little faceoff with sami before doing it to him .

can we please push sami properly .

and now we tease brock/braun .

doesn't happen, but gives roman a chance to punch everyone .

and get f5'd .

good going there .

kick brock's music, everyone scowls and makes to leave .

only to mysteriously disappear during the next video package .

later, we get ceshearo/club title match .

but next, enzo and cass/rusev and jinder .

and let's play a total divas advert over their entrances .

fuck it, why not .

better than over the entirety of a women's match .

enzo's miraculously up and strutting again .

i swear, their intro gets faster every time .

because clearly we don't have enough time on raw .

enzo could do a half-hour standup set and not make raw run over time .

in any case .

enzo and cass, as ever, don't really give a shit about the rules of tag matches .

the heeliest of face teams .

for the first time in like a month, enzo gets to show off his amazing talent to have seventy-three shades of piss kicked out of him .

also sloppy tornado ddts .

he can do that too .

cass tags in, cue five moves of doom .

except he decides not to do the east river crossing, and rusev breaks it up .

that's why you do all five .

nasty big boot to badaboomshakalaka for the pin .

cass can do a big boot like nobody's business .

perks of being a literal giant, i guess .

rusev and jinder immediately ghost off like the unmemorable heels they are .

apparently, we have jack gallagher on announce next .

but first, an advert for the new xxx film .

because it has lita in it .

forming, along with ruby rose, the only two reasons i'd watch that film .

hooray for netflix .

but anyway .

crusierweight time .

graves/aries/cole/gallagher is a pretty damn strong panel .

because cole has a lot of potential, as we found out to our amazement at the uk tournament .

anyway, this match is ariya daivari/lince dorado .

oh yeah, this is leading into the i forfeit match on 205 .

looking forward to that .

daivari has a silver lion on his trunks .

has he forgotten his own nickname .

daivari pauses to DO YOU SEE YOUR CHILDREN at jack, who's just like maybe you should be focusing on that luchador in there with you .

austin questions jack's gentlemanliness, he's just like excuse me have you seen yourself .

daivari hits a rainmaker into a cobra clutch for the tap .

and cue him facing off with jack and willem .

end thing .

up next, stuff about sasha getting cocked on by nia .

oh god, they're doing recaps of the taker segment from last week .

will he say it .

will i lose my shit .

so many questions .

and there we go .

peeeeeeeeeacengflgflgmn .

still makes me giggle .

threatening words from the zombie squid over there .

but now we get recaps of the unalloyed delight that was the uk title tournament .

featuring our lord and master, tyler bate .

wait shit .

on second thoughts, he should probably just stick to 'lord' .

also reminding us what a horrible joy pete dunne is .

and seriously, the bitter end is possibly my favourite finisher rn .

and now cole gets an awkward segue into the sasha/nia angle .

training footage from earlier today of sasha testing her knee out, during which nia fucks her up some more

.

that's pleasingly meta .

blur that line .

but now, here's cesaro .

and his mate .

wow, having a championship belt under it really wrecks the line of that stripper suit .

but yeah, they're fighting gallows and anderson for the belt .

or indeed both of them .

like there's any chance they're dropping them this soon to their first proper feud .

and a lackluster feud it has been .

given that ganderson's whole motivation is 'we want the belts because we are good at wrestling' .

but hey, even if the narrative has been thin to nonexistent, the matches are good .

this partnership has improved sheamus so much .

sloppy double team as gallows seemingly forgets that anderson isn't as tall as he is and has to really reach to hit a dubious neckbreaker .

which shounds like it should have been a finisher at the uk tournament .

"Oh my God, Cole, he's going for the Dubious Neckbreaker!" .

graves calls him 'mr anderson', and in the distance, tna's legal division creaks into action like briefcase-wielding glaciers .

oh god, they've started calling cesaro's tiger feint kick a 'swiss19' .

crowd starts a this is awesome chant, i can't argue .

this match is just all the big spots all the time .

and sheamus accidentally kills the ref .

drama .

magic killer on cesaro .

and bullshit it was too .

gallows just does not give a shit about setting up for moves today .

they get the pin on cesaro, even with them having to pull a new ref in, but then they call it a dq for the ref bump .

so cesaro and shwamus retain, and the feud stays alive .

ahhh, the refreshing aroma of screwy finishes .

apparently later, charlotte reveals her winning strategy .

odds on it being "be charlotte flair" or some such? .

but now, we recap the opening segment .

In which the incensed Mr. LESNAR, an unrepentant brute and miscreant, unleashes his legendary fury on all and sundry .

main event is going to be roman/seth/sami v chris/kevin/braun .

because even though he went over on that opening segment, brock's stance is still 'fuck actually wrestling' .

and now, a memorial video for superfly .

whom everyone in the company loves, and is still probably a murderer .

but still, death is sad .

slideshow of wrestlers tweeting about it, including bret hart's heartening two-word sendoff .

and now let's ruin everything with an emmalina video .

apparently the makeover is nearly complete .

oh well .

and now, roman, seth and sami in the locker room .

with the lead piping .

sami trying to come up with a strategy for the team, seth and roman both just standing there like wtf is this guy .

sami tries to do the shield fist thing, the other two just look at him and walk off .

that was weird .

but now, more cruiserweight .

swann/nese .

both with music i enjoy .

petition for all weight divisions to be named after ships .

battlercruiserweight .

subweight .

tugweight .

carrierweight .

frigateweight .

ahem .

in any case, neville bursts in as swann gets in the ring, fucks him and his pimp coat up .

sidenote: in this inspirational mlk day episode, rich swann is the first black guy to appear .

63 minutes in .

well, apart from byron, i guess .

nese takes the opportunity to kick some shit out of swann as well .

and leaves .

so much for that match .

welp, i bet they're glad they changed the ropes and canvas for that segment .

up next, the new day .

but first, backstage man interviews a glowering Geordie troll .

(he doesn't get a number because i've never seen a man there before) .

par for the course, neville's attitude in the interview is FUCK EVERYTHING BEFORE I DO IT MYSELF

.

but now, new day .

big e continues to double down on the whole pouring breakfast cereal over crowd members thing .

this time, by dumping an entire box of it over one woman while making weird parrot noises .

taken out of context, that might be unusual .

they're ding a whole bit about how good the rumble lineup is .

(because they're in it) .

and how they're all going to be in it for themselves .

but fuck that .

because if one of them wins, they all win and get to main event mania .

because why the fuck not .

freebird rules .

i'd buy it .

and now here is titus? .

corey: "He's like a bad wart." .

i refuse to diminish that with context .

titus no longer wants to be in the new day .

he wants to replace the new day .

like literally .

take one of their spots in the rumble .

xavier like ummmmmmm no? .

big e is agreeing to fight him for a rumble spot, on the condition that when he wins, titus will just fuck off forever .

not in as many words .

but with more dick jokes .

so we're having that now .

(the match, not dick jokes) .

big e is just beating titus all over the ring .

titus gets the upper hand by hitting xavier .

and enraging his friends .

they're still pushing the titus brand angle, despite that having made literally no narrative progress .

to his credit, that was a lovely over-the-shoulder slam by titus .

man is strong .

(i can't remember the proper name for that move, fuck off) .

titus starts stealing all of e's spots, because wanker .

aaaaand turnaround to big ending for the win .

because fuck that guy .

up next, charlotte tells us how to beat up your friends .

but first, video about the first rumble .

and more mlk .

but now, queen bitch herself .

wearing her casual cape .

dress down monday .

charlotte's strategy is apparently scouting everything about her opponents .

which is why she's gonna beat bayley .

because she's average and there's nothing to learn .

and that's why fans love her .

to be fair, her appeal *is* that she's a normal fan .

and now let's roll some photos of young bayley meeting wrestlers .

and her poems about wrestling .

to be fair, this is exactly why we love bayley .

she is us .

loving charlotte being like kids, this is why you should be careful what you put on the internet .

and now, video of bayley reading an essay from 07 about wanting to be a wrestler and getting all emotional .

d'awwwwwww .

moral of this story: fuck following your dreams unless you're ric flair's kid .

which probably describes about 12% of this generation .

he's basically genghis khan .

and cue an angry hispanic girl .

(specifically bayley) .

just like wtf is this all in aid of .

and basically making exactly the point i've been saying .

being like fuck you i just love this industry .

and she's written charlotte a new poem .

(spoiler: it's bad) .

she's no enzo amore .

charlotte holds up the belt, gets effortlessly upstaged by the tubemen .

(Upstaged by the Tubemen is my tell-all 80s memoir) .

and now, more recaps of the opening segment .

cut to backstage, chris and kevin trying to teach braun about strategy .

his strategy is BRAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHH .

basically, their strategy suggestions are hey braun if you could just murder everyone on the other team .

braun like FUCK THAT IMMA KILL EVERYONE and stalks off

.

chris and kevin just kind of shrug like yeah, alright .

and now, a man with a flag .

more cruisers .

kendrick/cedric .

alicia not entering with cedric for once .

building on the weird fox/dar thing .

it's just occurred to me: did austin wear those ever-present aviators before shinsuke fucked him in the eye? .

cedric does a weird moonsault to the floor, catching his arms on the apron and catching brian knees-first .

graves: "Look at that beautiful springboard...slingshot...moonsault of some sort" .

couldn't have said it better .

(because i also don't have a clue) .

brian's had a little bit of offence in this, but mostly just jobbing hard to cedric .

as soon as i say that, roll into the captain's hook .

enter alicia to help cedric get to the rope .

shot of dar watching the match backstage like eeeeeeeexcellent .

goes for the hook again, cedric pulls an absolutely beautiful reversal into the ever-unpleasant lumbar check .

for the pin .

alicia and cedric go for the hug, he just goes fuck it, ducks through it and walks off .

thankls for that slow-mo lumbar check video there .

ouch .

it's one of those finishers where they can do the whole thing in slow motion, .

because the impact is legit unpleasant

.

more sasha recaps, and now backstage guy interviews nia .

who's just like lol yeah fuck her .

everything else aside, can we stop saying "real woman"? .

[/intersectional feminism] .

ad break, and now backstage guy talks to alicia .

who claims their relationship is fine .

and then begins her bitches be crazy yo screaming .

byron: "Three things I've learned in life: don't tug on Superman's cape, don't drink mouthwash, and don't get on the wrong side of Alicia Fox." .

...thanks for that? .

but first, a video package about kurt angle because he's the first hall of famer this year .

in a move that confused everyone, especially him .

is this year's strategy to give hof spots to everyone they've had acrimonious breakups with so they'll love them again? .

cos we could be there a while .

but now it's main event time bitchezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .

enter chrevin .

(for that is their name now) .

but first, a xxx trailer .

featuring the new day for some reason? .

eh, that looks like it could be a decent big dumb action flick .

OH MY GOD GUYS GOLDBERG IS GOING TO BE HERE NEXT WEEK oh wait i don't give a shit .

cole totally just called it the 'roidal rumble' .

best freudian slip ever? .

and immediate brawlitude

.

(my breakcore Avicii cover band) .

"Sami Zayn's guts on display!" .

well, that was horrific .

credit for not pulling out of the match, i guess .

maybe his strategy is to confuse braun, then strangle him with his small intestine .

can i just mention that even without factoring in ad breaks, that was a solid ten minutes from the first entrance starting to the match actually happening? .

this shit is why raw is three hours long .

and big ppvs are about seventeen hours .

on which note, how early is taker going to have to enter the rumble to make sure he actually gets to the ring while the match is still going .

unless everyone in the ring just gets a break when the first gong hits .

segment of owens/zayn there, and that matchup is still hot af .

roman cocks his fist, pan down to chris hugging his calf from outside the ring .

chris started the match, but now he seems to be set on never tagging and just running interference .

solid strategy .

really long working headlock there, but played for solid emotion and crowd pops all round .

see, this shit is why kevin is the headlock master .

lovely coordination as seth does a suicide dive out of one side of the ring and sami does a tope con giro over the opposite side .

relatively brief bit of rollins/jericho there, but actually great .

a year ago, you never would hav seen that coming .

now we get the bit where everyone gets to do their big spots .

seth does a crossbody to chris and kevin on the outside as sami does a blinding one to take braun down .

fuck all these rivalries, can we just have a zayn/rollins tag team? .

and braun powerslams sami for the pin .

welp, that was abrupt .

slings sami over his shoulder, walks off with him .

oh, taking him to the announce table .

i keep forgetting it's there .

but roman, seth and a chair are also there .

so much for that announce spot .

they're showing replays, and after roman spears him, braun goes down *hard* on the ramp .

ow .

roman and seth clear the announce table, just in time for chris and kevin to turn up and commandeer the spot .

they set up for a table spot, seth pedigrees chris, kevin hits him with a chair, roman gets up, gets hit with a whole lot of chair .

and kevin powerbombs roman through the table .

braun, meanwhile, seems to have evaporated .

titan confirmed .

and we fade on kevin standing over the body of his fallen foe .

rip large samoan man .

but this blog lives on! .

like .

why wouldn't it .

my ability to write bullshit is not ited to the consciousness of roman reigns .

i am not one of the things in his dream .

ahem .

um .

TUESDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN? .

open on a dramatic video package about shit going down with women in a cage .

(my 90s memoir) .

and now .

HERE COME THE MONEEEEEEEYYYYYYY .

wait, this is just shane mcmahon .

where the fuck is the money .

i should make a complaint .

we're in memphis .

i know this, because it was the third word he said .

and he's slightly more reliable than mick foley .

slightly .

now let's tell you how good the rumble is going to be, and get cheap pops just by listing wrestlers .

it is the mcmahon way .

and also, begin the hype for elimination chamber .

huh .

didn't think that was still a thing .

but hey, i'm happy with that .

apparently in four weeks they're putting the title up in it .

here's aj to complain about that booking decision .

shane does a flair strut and woo for some reason while talking about cena? .

sure, why not .

aj says this is a hothead decision .

did he consult jbl before using his word .

or are there copyright suits ahead .

shane's angle is basically we're putting the best guys in the chamber because THIS IS SMACKDOWN WHERE WE DO WRESTLE GOOD .

shane makes a crack about aj's attitude, aj is just like well why don't i just TAKE YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP BACK TO FUCKING JAPAN .

yep, that attitude .

and now we have a cena .

for all the things that need cening .

he makes a connection with one fan in particular, for reasons i can't see .

does a weird curtsey, shouts some stuff at them, then just basks in the chants .

starts talking, aj is just immediately YOU SHUT YOUR FUCK MOUTH .

still spinning the cena only got his title shot through family connections thing .

starts being like okay, who the fuck else you got back there, and miz immediately obliges .

maryse's deathbasque is even spanglier than usual .

give it a couple months, she'll be wearing a fucking mardi gras float .

his angle is basically i should have a chamber spot because fuck you i'm the miz .

solid argument .

cena is just hanging round the edges of this argument being a greek chorus and making fun of everyone .

oh hey, dick joke .

and cena being like hey bro are you really gonna let him talk to you like that .

he is the best bad idea fairy .

and shane is just like hey fuck it, let's make this a match .

so it's aj/miz now .

later, lawler is back because we were apparently bad people .

interviewing dolph .

but now, shane is collared backstage by dean .

who wants a new ic belt because this one smells of the miz .

and a chamber spot .

and a match with randy .

and shane's just like hey why not would you like fries with that .

a+ management .

but now, aj/miz with cena on announce .

fuck the match, cena is just riffing on his new film .

and frankly, i'm okay with this .

i can listen to cena talk shit for hours .

aj downs miz and starts fronting at cena, who's just like hey dude yeah whatever .

where was i .

while all this cena chat is going down, there's also a really good match happening

.

aj and miz are both fuelled entirely by rage and indignation, and it makes for really good wrestling .

aj has kicked miz's head clean off at ringside, then tries to throw him at cena .

he counters, ring the dq, and cena gets to aa everyone .

which necessitates taking his shirt off for some reason

.

so we can see his huge pecs and weird navel .

up next, nikki bella does a thing .

trailer for some youtube music shit that i am clearly too old to get .

but now, nikki .

and recaps of nattie dicking her over .

steadicam guy trips on something, so this promo gets briefly dramatically dutch .

nikki calls nattie out, to no effect .

so talk shit about her instead .

and now she appears .

talking from the back of the crowd? .

the fuck is going on .

she cues something on the tron, and leaves .

and the video is her going out to the merch stand to fuck up nikki's merch .

and be like why the fuck don't i have a shirt .

my uncle has a shirt and he's retired and going to die alone just like you nikki .

this is strange .

she gets all nikki's merch, starts throwing it in the trash, and nikki appears to put her through a table .

and cue brawlery .

as half a dozen security guys ineffectually try and hold them back .

i'll be honest, i'm still all for the backstage bits .

and end segment .

and now, backstage woman #372 interviews alexa about the cage match .

which apparently she's going to win .

bold claim .

and now we have the same video package about angle making the hall of fame as we had on raw

.

so feel free to reread my jokes from there .

i'm getting a drink .

oh ok, this is a more comedy-focused package .

so much for that drink, i guess .

including the bit where he drenched stone cold and stephanie with milk .

because that happened .

but now, dean/randy .

david offering his psychological assessment of randy .

dude, you're a law grad .

recaps of orton/harper tension .

apparently we should talk about tension between family members .

so feel free to do that among yourself .

so yeah, this match is happening, and thus far it's a little lacklustre .

apparently turkeys wake up in a different world every morning? .

god, i would love to live in the world inside jbl's head, where young people are supervillains and turkeys can travel between dimensions .

(and not just because i want to be a supervillain) .

there's a match going on behind all this weird commentary, but it's about as exciting as you'd expect from an ambrose/orton match .

dean gets out of the ring, bray has to weirdly hug harper to keep him off him .

while doing a strange grin and looking more like his brother than ever .

i'm just enjoying watching bray and luke at ringside .

bray's leaning in, shouting at randy, doing the whole ringside general thing, while luke is casually leaning next to him, a study in not giving a fuck .

while giving bray occasional looks like 'after this, i still get to murder him, right?' .

dirty deeds, counter, rko, counter, kick, bounce, lariat

.

wow, never seen that sequence before .

the thing with this match is that dean always does the same spots because he's a face and needs to get pops, and randy always does the same spots because he's randy orton .

case in point, suicide dive (onto bray) into draping ddt .

randy sets up for an rko, luke comes in to shout at him, dean gets a rollup off the distraction .

dean leaves, luke and randy start fighting, bray gets between them like BOYS .

and then when harper keeps talking shit, gives him a slap .

and advances on randy like TALK SHIT SO I CAN SLAP YOU TOO .

randy declines .

and luke storms off in a sulk .

and cut backstage, as woman #483 interviews becky .

who is angry and planning to win .

but next, lawler interviews dolph .

so *now* i can get that drink .

but first, a video about the 2005 rumble and batista .

(neither of which are likely to be relevant come Sunday) .

and also, they managed to make a video about that without mentioning vince 'i can sever both my quads simultaneously, because fuck your rules' mcmahon .

oh god, the king's court segment started while i was typing that and i had forgotten how nails-on-a-chalkboard lawler's voice was to me .

the man causes my mind genuine pain .

dolph arrives, and he doesn't give a shiiiiiiiit .

jerry is disappointed at dolph becoming evil .

clearly, you have never seen his twitter handle .

dolph is just refusing to engage this interview at all, and it's great .

it does give lawler more time to speak, but also showcases the correct way to respond to an overweight aging man in pants, a crown and a velvet cloak taking you to task for your life choices .

jerry cues recaps of dolph loisng to kalisto last week, which seems like a questionable strategy .

good way to piss a man off .

dolph still not saying word one .

keeps raising the mic and teasing the crowd .

and is now leaving .

jerry gets him to come back, and now he gets to do his promo .

dolph is like yeah whatever u lil shit i brought some footage myself .

of dolph fighting him in 2012 .

and being like lol jerry i gave you a legit heart attack .

i do appreciate dick ziggler .

just like now stop asking me questions or i'll finish murdering you .

so jerry calls him a loser .

which seems like a poor decision when talking to a man who just promised to kill you if you kept talking .

so he superkicks him in the chest .

makes sense, really .

jbl runs into the ring to check on his fellow aging douchewad as dolph leaves .

and jerry gets up and screams at dolph to get back in there .

thankfully, he doesn't, or jerry would straight-up die .

next up, main event cage shiz .

but first, another xxx trailer .

immediately followed by another one that ties it in with shane jumping off shit like an idiot .

as he does so well .

jerry's gonna be on talking smack, so i definitely won't be watching that .

announce team talk smack to jbl, wyatt cut to bray giving us a talk .

the wyatts are entering the rumble, and randy and luke are fighting next week to let them blow off some tension .

but now, actual main event time .

and surprisingly, i still adore becky's jacket .

slightly different version, but still outstanding .

bell rings, alexa immediately sprints to the door .

jbl takes the opportunity to explain the concept of victory to us all .

when they finally get down to actually wrestling, rather than becky desperately holding alexa off the door, it's p great .

as should be expected from these two .

becky gets onto the top of the cage, briefly forgets how to operate her right leg so alexa can drag her back in by the hair .

so she comes back with a bexploder from the top rope for a nearfall .

okay, this is great .

and now la luchadora appears, blocking the door .

i don't even know any more .

she gets in, kicks becky in the head to break a disarmher, and alexa hits a ddt for the pin .

and nobody has a clue .

alexa orders the ref out of the ring so she and her mysterious friend can kick the shit out of becky

.

becky manages to get a comeback and unmask her, and it's...mickie james? .

i honestly did not call that .

in that case, what excuse does she have for that weak-ass head kick? .

we know you can do better, mickie .

and fade on those two posing in the cage with the belt .

and so we close this particular bit of programming expect more soon, because i need to catch up before the upcoming BIG-ASS WRESTLING WEEKEND .

(not the big ass-wrestling weekend) .

(that's next week)

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Three Stars of Comedy HOF, Ugly X-Mas Blazers, and RIP Johnny Bower

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Radko Gudas – We've all been there.

The second star: Tyler Seguin vs. P.K. Subban – It's the ol' last-off-the-ice superstition stalemate. Stick around for the twist ending.

The first star: Peter Laviolette and the Predators' coaches – The players bet the coaches that they could take at least five of six points on a tough Western Canada road trip. They did, so Laviolette and his staff had to wear these:

And yes, they made them wear them during an actual game.

The Inaugural Class of the Three Stars of Comedy Hall of Fame

Last week was the 200th edition of the Friday Grab Bag. The column has been running for nearly five years now; it dates back the Grantland days, made a brief stop at ESPN, and has lived here at Vice Sports for the last two years. Based on extensive customer research, for many of you it remains your Very Favorite Hockey Column to Read in the Office Bathroom After Lunch on Friday.™

That milestone, mixed in with the slowest week of the NHL regular season, would seem to make this a good time to unveil the first ever Three Stars of Comedy Hall of Fame. The three stars actually predates the Grab Bag itself, having launched as a monthly feature way back in 2011. And despite my occasional attempts to kill it when nobody is looking, the section continues to hold down the leadoff spot in the lineup.

Some weeks, finding three picks is easier than others. But certain personalities have done their best to ease my burden. That's where the Hall of Fame comes in. We'll do this HHOF style, with room for four picks per year. Ladies and gentlemen, the inaugural Class of 2017.

Ilyz Bryzgalov – The first star of the very first edition, Bryzgalov dominated the early days so thoroughly that at one point we tried to retire his number and eliminate him from future consideration. It didn't take, and even though he hasn't play in the NHL since 2015, he still finds a way to make periodic appearances. He's one of two unanimous picks for the inaugural class.

Phil Kessel – The other slam dunk pick, Kessel has appeared in the Three Stars section more than anyone else. Granted, some of those are cases where he's the butt of the joke, as everyone from Ilya Kovalchuk to Ryan Reaves has taken their runs at him. Sometimes he'll accidentally own himself. But in recent years we've learned that Phil can give as good as he gets, and then some. Here's all you need to know about why he's in on the first ballot: He's the only person to ever sweep all three stars in a single week. And he's done it twice.

P.K. Subban – Unlike Kessel or Bryzgalov, when Subban makes the Three Stars he's almost always in on the joke. And that's fine, because lord knows the NHL could use a few more guys with a sense of humor who aren't afraid to show it. Whether he's stealing The Rock's catch phrases, playing dress-up, or kissing Pierre McGuire, Subban's almost always fun. Even when he's sucker punching guys, he finds a way to make it funny. How this guy isn't the face of the league's marketing efforts in the U.S. right now, I'll never understand.

Roberto Luongo – Luongo is the Howie Morenz of funny hockey players, blazing the trail for the generations to come. It's easy to forget it now, but when Luongo first started using Twitter to make jokes, the idea of an NHL star trying to be funny was controversial enough that he had to pretend it wasn't him. But he's made regular appearances in the Three Stars ever since, with his best tweets often being the ones that poke fun at his own controversies, including his tire-pumping feud with Tim Thomas and his never-ending trade saga. And also, um, poop.

And that concludes the Class of 2017. The big omission here is Jaromir Jagr, who falls victim to the four-pick maximum. It was a coin flip between him and Luongo for the last spot, but I figure Jagr will be a unanimous first-ballot pick in the real Hall of Fame, which will probably slightly dampen his disappointment at missing out on a bigger honor here. Also, Luongo once let me play in (and win) his fantasy football league, so I feel like owe him.

Others receiving votes: Brian Burke, Joe Thornton, Wes McCauley, Taylor Hall, Darryl Sutter's face, Brent Burns, and Evgeni Malkin. Better luck next year, everyone.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

It's World Juniors time, with this year's tournament being held in Buffalo. It's always fun to browse through the list of the tournament's all-time top scorers; the list features plenty of future NHL superstars, like Peter Forsberg, Pavel Bure, and Eric Lindros, as well as some European players who never made it over to North America. But if you keep going, you get into the sweet spot of vaguely memorable NHL quasi-stars, like Michal Pivonka and Ulf Dahlen and Reijo Ruotsalainen. And you also find this week's obscure player: Finnish forward Petri Skriko.

Skriko was a teenage star in Europe, winning rookie honors in the top Finnish league in 1981. This was back when many European stars never made it over to the NHL, but the Canucks used an eighth-round pick on him in that summer's draft. It turned out to be a good gamble, as Skriko would have the second biggest impact on the Canucks of any 1981 eighth-rounder, just behind a defenseman picked by the Blues a few spots later.

That impact would have to wait, though. Skriko stayed in Finland until 1984, starring in a pair of WJCs along the way. But when he arrived in Vancouver, he fit in instantly, scoring 21 goals as a rookie and then following that with four-straight 30+ goal seasons. That included one stretch in 1986 in which he recorded three hat tricks in a span of eight days.

His production faded during the 1989-90 season, and he'd be traded to the Bruins the following year for a second-round pick. That deal ended up helping the Canucks down the line, as they used the pick on Michael Peca. Skriko helped the Bruins get to the 1991 Cup final before being traded to Winnipeg for Brent Ashton, had short stints with the Jets and Sharks before heading home to Finland in 1993 and then finishing his pro career in Denmark. He ended his NHL career with 541 games played, scoring 183 goals and 405 points.

Also, he had fantastic hair.

Be it Resolved

Last week was a big one for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Not only did they celebrate their 100th anniversary by pounding the Carolina Hurricanes 8-1, but they did it while scoring the 20,000th goal in team history.

Or did they?

Here's how the 20,000 breaks down. See if you can spot the problem.

Yeah, "shootout winners" aren't goals. I mean, they are, according to the league. For reasons that have never been entirely clear, the NHL awards the team that wins a shootout one "goal" in the goals-for column of the standings. That makes sense when you're describing the results of a game – you'd rather say "The Rangers won 5-4 in a shootout" than "The Rangers won 4-4 in a shootout," even if the fifth goal wasn't scored during the actual hockey portion of the game. But there's no reason to pretend that it was a real goal for deeper record-keeping purposes.

The NHL's always been weird and inconsistent about this. For example, they consider the shootout winner to be a goal, but don't give the guy who scored it credit for one in his personal stats. (A cynic might suggest that teams don't want their star players padding their stats with an extra half dozen goals a year and then expecting more money.) So it's a goal, but nobody scored it. That makes no sense. And they go the other way too, counting a shootout loss as a goal against even though, statistically, nobody let it in.

And it's not like this is all some sort of semantic argument, since goals for and against can come into play as a tie-breaker in the standings. That hasn't happened yet, but we have seen the league's weird shootout goal math decide the Jennings Trophy, so it's been etched into the record books already.

Needless to say, people who pay attention to this stuff were quick to point out that the Maple Leafs' stat wasn't what it seemed.

As with just about everything that doesn't involve bicycles, Dellow is right. Shootout goals shouldn't count towards a team's historical totals. So be it resolved: The Maple Leafs are well on their way to 20,000 but they're not there yet. Maybe they heard the complaints because they took a big chunk out of it with seven goals last night, but they're still 35 goals away. Real goals.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

This week's YouTube clip isn't really a video; it's more of an audio file. But it's a good one, and under the circumstances I hope you'll indulge me.

This week's clip is Johnny Bower singing "Honky The Christmas Goose."

The hockey world lost Bower this week, as the Hall of Fame goaltender passed away at the age of 93. The rest of the week became a chance to mourn the loss of a legend, while celebrating a life well-lived.

Bower was one of the greatest goalies of all time, and quite likely the best of the 1960s, period. But somehow, that fact ended up being way down the list of what most people remember him for. In all of the many stories and tributes that poured in this week, the point that kept coming home was what a wonderful guy he was. For pretty much his entire life, Johnny Bower was just a very, very nice man. He didn't have to be, because he was a famous athlete and people were going to like him no matter what he did. But it seems like everyone in the hockey world has a story about Bower staying late to sign one last autograph or shake one more hand, or donating his time to a good cause, or having an encouraging word for someone going through a tough time. That's just who he was.

It sounds strange to say it, but it's almost impossible for a hockey player to be a universally beloved figure in Canada. The game just means too much to us up here. It gets too personal. We don't like to see fans of other teams get to be happy, so we instinctively dislike anyone who plays well for someone else. And it takes a lot to get us past that.

Put it this way: If I'm talking to a Habs fan who's getting a little too smug and I decide I want to knock them down a peg or two, I can come up with bad things to say about just about all of their beloved legends. Rocket Richard? He started a riot. Patrick Roy? He quit on the team. Guy Lafleur? What, you mean the guy from the Nordiques? But there's one ironclad exception: Jean Beliveau. No matter how much you hate the Canadiens, you can't find a bad word to say about Beliveau. That's just how it is. And Bower was the Maple Leafs' version of that. That's about the highest compliment you can pay a player.

On the ice, he really was one of the best, as this piece does a good job of showing. He ranks high on just about all of the all-time lists, both traditional and analytics-based. And while many have since been broken, he retired holding several goaltending records.

And of course, he left behind one record that will never be topped: "Honky the Christmas Goose."

You're listening to the story of Honky, a Christmas goose who struggled with his weight until he learned how to blow his nose. No, that doesn't really make sense, not least of which because geese don't have noses. Just enjoy the song and don't think about it too hard.

Honky was the creation of a CBC producer, and in 1965 he approached the Maple Leafs about having a player record the vocals. As Bower recounts it in this Toronto Star article, "He came into the dressing room and wanted to know if anybody on the team would be interested in singing these songs. I’ve never seen so many guys undress and get into the shower so quickly in my life!"

Bower ended up agreeing to do the song because, as the producer said at the time, he was basically "the friendliest man in Canada." There was one minor problem: Bower couldn't sing. But as longtime readers of this column know, that's never stopped a hockey player before, and the rest was history. (The children on the track are apparently Bower's 11-year-old son and some of the neighborhood kids.)

The song tells the story of Honky saving Christmas after Santa gets spooked by all the air traffic that's suddenly clogging up the skies. Continuing his long history of selfishly exploiting animals for their nose-based magic powers, Santa hires Honky to clear out a path.

"Rockets, kites and satellites." Yeah, I'm no aerospace engineer but I don't think there should be too many kites at that elevation. I'm pretty sure nobody in history has ever successfully got a kite twenty feet off the ground for more than six seconds before it nosedived directly down onto Grandma's head, so chill out Santa.

Luckily, the plan works and Honky saves the day. Finally, he'll get some respect, right?

"Though he is fat he is still some use." Holy smokes guys, Honky just saved Christmas for the entire planet, maybe ease up on the body shaming for one minute.

The record came out in November 1965, with proceeds going to charity. It was reportedly a big hit, selling 40,000 copies. They tried to get Bower to record a follow-up a year later, pitching something about "a pelican with a broken wing," but he knew how to quit when he was ahead.

For years, the song was lost to history, with only a handful of copies circulating in the pre-Internet days of the early 90s. But it's resurfaced since, and a new generation has had a chance to enjoy to story of Honky the Christmas Goose. If you can't get enough of the song, here's a clip of Bower performing it on stage at a children's benefit concert years ago.

RIP Johnny Bower. An all-time great goaltender, an even better person, and a passable singer. Not necessarily in that order.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com and follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Three Stars of Comedy HOF, Ugly X-Mas Blazers, and RIP Johnny Bower published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv