#and then yall wonder why i wanna burn the earth over.

[snekdood]

Whats pretty frustrating for me is that i know theres people who think of my preferences as like. Super unrealistic or something... as if i dont already know that. like.

The whole point is that im literally so scared of getting with other people that if they arent like the person i want to be with in my head, i dont trust them. It has nothing really to do with how "attractive" they are, rather, i self isolated for a while in highschool, realized that my base emotional feelings towards others was mistrust, and decided at that time it was impossible to find trustworthy people so I instead decided to go inwards and essentially "make up" people that i could trust. Because part of me really REALLY doesnt want to believe this is a cold heartless world where you cant trust anyone, I then would try instead to find these people externally. I know its not realitisc but I still havent met someone outside of my characters who I feel like I can fully trust.

[bunnys-beetlejuice-blog]

bangs pots and pans together loudly FIC UPDATE COME GET YALL SOME JUICE

Apparently the vital, missing component to enjoying school was having a friend there. Go figure.

He and Kevin only have that first period class together, but they make the most of it, passing notes back and forth between the two of them, the teacher too tired that early in the morning to notice, or care. Lunch isn’t depressing anymore. They sit together under the shade tree, and Kevin does seem to also appreciate the view. “Can you even imagine working up a sweat, on purpose?” Betelgeuse pats his gut. “You know I can’t.”

“I can’t believe how little the track shorts are. That’s obscene. You think I’d look good in them?” “You join track and I’ll come to every meet, an’ it won’t be for th’ love of th’ sport.” He doesn’t think normal friends talk to each other like this, but he doesn’t actually know. Does everyone flirt with their friends? Are friends just cool people you wanna fuck but haven’t yet? Is it demon hormone bullshit, making him read into everything? Unclear.

It’s all going so good, until it isn’t, suddenly.

One lunch, two months into being there, Kevin pulls a huge and impressive old book from his backpack. “Look what I goooot,” he sing songs, waving it in Betelgeuse’s face, and he sneezes in response. “Smells old.” Emily and Lydia would love it. “It is. It’s very old,” Kevin confirms, and he moves so he’s sitting next to Betelgeuse, shoulder to shoulder, both their backs to the shade tree. “It’s about demons.”

Betelgeuse loses interest immediately, and focuses on not going pink at their shoulders touching, instead. “Z’at so?” he grunts. Kevin doesn’t seem to pick up on his moodiness, though. “It talks about all these ancient beings,” he explains, flipping pages. “Their summoning circles, their aspects,” he gives Betelgeuse a nudge at that, “all the things they can do for you, and the boons they grant.” He feels uncomfortable. “What’s with this? You obsessed with me, or somethin’?” He tries to play it as a joke, but that glint in Kevin’s eyes is back, and he doesn’t like it. “Of course, who wouldn’t be obsessed if they learned all this shit is actually true? It’s like there’s a whole secret world behind a locked door, and I’ve got the key.” Kevin looks back up at him.

He gets the feeling he’s the key. It’s not a good feeling.

“Where’d you even get this fuckin’ thing?” he lifts a finger, and the book slams closed in Kevin’s lap. His friend huffs. “Internet, of course.” “No, I mean… why were you lookin’ for somethin’ like this?” “I want to learn more. Don’t you?” Kev presses, and reopens the book. “I mean, what if there’s something amazing you can do, and you just don’t know, cause you’re not bothering to try?”

“So I’ll never know, so what?” Betelgeuse feels like this is a losing argument, but he tries anyways. “What’s so great about bein’ weird? You’re lucky you’re human.” “Dude, don’t even start with that. You can fly.” “So can humans,” he points out. “Wh- A plane and fucking levitating for fun are not the same, and you know it, BeetleJerk.” Kevin honestly can’t understand why he’s not excited over this. “I just mean… I’d rather be human, than this.” He blinks at his own words, because he’s never expressed that out loud before, ever. But it doesn’t feel untrue. “You’re out of your mind, more so than usual. Every human alive wants to feel special, and do the stuff you can do. Why are you acting like it’s so miserable all of a sudden? You use your powers all the time, I’ve seen you literally teleport five feet because you’re too lazy to walk.”

“You don’t get it.” He’s feeling sullen now, and he wiggles a little away from Kevin, and crosses his arms. “BJ, come on-” Betelgeuse teleports away to under the bleachers, and he eats his lunch there, until the bell rings.

He’s waiting for Emily after school, not feeling particularly friendly, when Kevin approaches. They stand there awkwardly. It feels tense, and weird, and he waits to see what the breather does. “Don’t be mad,” Kevin says, finally. “M’not mad.” “You sound mad.” “You know what mad on me looks like,” he finally turns to look at his friend, amber eyes burning with irritation. “First hand.”

Kevin looks down, and kicks at a rock that might not actually be there. “I thought you’d be excited. BJ, come on, I don’t wanna.. Not be friends over this.”

Betelgeuse signs, and scratches at the scruff on his chin. “It’s not like that,” he relents after a moment. “I just, I don’t care about that stuff. An’ I don’t wanna sit around, focusin’ on it. I don’t exactly like feelin’ different. Yeah, I do tricks an’ use my magic an’ stuff, but it’s hard to control. I lose my temper once an’ I could seriously destroy somethin’, or hurt my family. It doesn’t exactly feel good, knowin’ that. No one else my age can stand me, cause they can tell I’m weird. Before you, it was fuckin’ lonely, Kev.”

He feels a familiar pressure, because Kevin has taken his hand, and the human gives it a squeeze. He accepts it, melting a little against the other boy. “Still friends?” Kevin asks, and Betelgeuse purrs in response, resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder.

It’s not till later, at home, that he realizes Kevin never actually apologized.

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It’s like that, for a while. He knows Kevin still has the book. He knows he’s reading it, and sometimes Kevin will bring up demon stuff, but Betelgeuse has almost exactly a minute and a half of patience for answering questions or hearing about it. Still, Kev doesn’t stop. He might feel angrier if the breather wasn’t so god damn cute.

The air is starting to go cold, and leaves are beginning to fall. October is settling in, getting comfortable, and mom’s starting to break out the Halloween décor. It’s the middle of a kind of gloomy, Autumn day, when things get weird.

Kevin has the book open, much to Betelgeuse’s annoyance, and he’s blabbing away about a demon that supposedly grants wealth- “Do you think you could do that?” -when Betelgeuse looks down at the book, and sees Juno looking back at him. It’s not really her, it’s an illustration, but he’d recognize the bitch anywhere. She’s ink, glaring up from the page, those same age lines etched into her face, confirming his private theory that she’d been an old hag even when she was young. The slit neck is prominent, and as he stares, he sees smoke billow out of it. Oh, fuck no.

He grabs the book and slams it shut, startling Kevin, and then he teleports it directly under them, a mile down in the rock of the earth. Kev blinks for a moment, confused, before looking at his friend. “Wh.. Dude, WHAT?”

“Possessed book,” he croaks out, feeling tense, because he can smell cigarette smoke. “And you’re afraid of it? Why? You are also a literal fucking demon!” “That’s why I’m not messin’ with it!” Betelgeuse stands up, uneasy. The ground around the tree feels weird, now. He doesn’t like it here anymore. “Cause I actually understand why it’s a bad fuckin’ idea! God, you should have instincts that tell you not to mess with this stuff! You’re deficient, Kev, seriously.”

“Me deficient? Seriously?” Kev snaps, which hurts in a new, unexpected way. “Whatever, asshole. Give me my book back.” Kevin stands up, too, but he’s not uneasy, he’s angry.

“It’s better off where it is.”

“Which is where?”

Betelgeuse glances down. The grass around the tree is starting to wither. Kevin follows his gaze, but doesn’t seem to notice the dying vegetation. “You buried it? Come on!”

“Leave it, Kev.”

“This isn’t just your cool secret, anymore, it’s mine too!” Kevin glares at him. “You can’t keep me out of it, BJ. That’s not fair. God, at this point, I know more than you! You should be listening to me!”

He feels his volatile temper flare.

“Ex-fuckin’-scuze me?”

He waits for Kevin to take it back. Instead, his friend doubles down. “Demons have to listen to humans,” Kevin crosses his arms. “If they’re summoned. It’s in the book.” “Nobody summoned me,” Betelgeuse snarls, letting his real snake eyes show, an intimidation tactic that works for about half a second. Kevin’s too used to him, at this point. “I’m up here on a deal.” “Bet I could do it. I bet I could summon you. Then you’d have to listen to me.” “Yeah? Well, good luck without your stupid book!” He storms off, leaving Kevin standing there.

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The rest of the day sucks. He’s moody all day, annoyed in the car, grumpy in his room. He cranks metal and wishes he’d learned to play a guitar instead of his rinky, happy sounding ukulele. The instrument isn’t going to produce the noise he wants to express himself, right now. He throws it across the room, into a wall, where it smashes, and reforms a minute later, because… it’s still his favorite, after all. Even if it’s no good for expressing his teenage angst.

He can hear shuffling, and talking, outside his room, though he can’t make out what’s being said over the music. After a moment, though, there’s a knock at his door. “Hey, Bug?” Emily calls. “Can you come give me a hand with something?” He wants to tell her to piss off, go away, to leave him the hell alone, but.. It’s Emily. The CD player lets out a strangled choke and suddenly stops, and the door swings open, all without him moving from his flopped position on the bed. “Sup, ma?” he grunts. Emily peaks her head into the room, and smiles when she sees him, the expression radiating warmth and adoration and.. Oh, God/Satan, bless his sunbeam of a mother. “Just wondering if you’re free to do a little decorating?” She reaches behind her and grabs a fake severed bloody limb from the box he assumes she’s dragged into the hallway from the attic. “Don’t you worry it takes away from the “wow factor” to do Halloween twice a year?” He asks, standing and stretching, before apparating in the hallway behind her, and giving the decor box a nudge with his boot. “What? No way, there’s never enough Halloween!” Emily grins. “Get that, please.” The box floats along behind him as they head downstairs. They pause in the entryway, as Emily thinks out loud. “So, maybe the kitchen should be-” “Functional as a kitchen, please,” Charles calls from the living room. Emily rolls her eyes. “Okay, fine! Spoilsport! We’ll focus on the entryway for now,” she decides. “You wanna put up cobwebs in the rafters?” She gets on tiptoes to reach into the floating box, and he lowers it a bit for her, as she grabs the fake webbing. “I could just instantly decorate the whole room,” He takes to floating next to the box. “Could make sure it’s all normal human stuff, too,” He adds, before she can respond. “I know you can… But I like decorating,” Emily says brightly. “It’s not about getting it done quickly. It’s about, you know, doing it together.” “So why are dad and Lydia slacking?” Her smile doesn’t falter, but becomes softer. “It kinda felt like you needed some mom time, today,” She says simply. God, she can read him easier than Kev can read his stupid book. “We got in a fight,” he admits. She hums at that, because he only has one friend. It’s not hard to guess who he could possibly mean. “I’m sorry, Bug. What over?” He hesitates. So far he’s not let any of his family in on this book business. He’s been sort of hoping it could just go away on it’s own, and not be a thing. Kevin’s made it into a thing, though, and not telling even his mom feels… bad.

“He’s really into demons. Like, really, really into em,” He rasps, floating up and beginning to put up the spiderwebs, as his mother takes down the usual, sort of spooky wall hangings and trades them for her very intentionally spooky Halloween ones. “He’s got this book, an’ it’s all about demons an’ like, how to summon them, an’ their powers, an’ stuff… Sometimes th’ way he talks, it’s like.. Are we friends cause we’re friends, or friends cause you think I’m gonna be... useful?”

Maybe that doesn't make any sense, but that’s how it’s been feeling, like there’s an invisible shoe hanging midair, and it’s about to drop. His mother waits until he’s finished before looking up at him. “And you fought over that?” She prods. “Not exactly.” How the fuck can she even tell that, though? Damn her mom powers. He really, really didn’t want to talk about this, not to her, but… “I saw Juno. In th’ book,'' He lowers back down to the floor, and digs through the box, pulling out fake body parts. Back up he goes, to stick these in the fake webbing. “It was just a drawing of her, but it started like.. Billowing smoke-”

“From the neck,” His mother remembers, suppressing a shudder.

“Yeah. I could smell the smoke. So I got rid of the book, buried it in th’ school yard, but Kev got all pissy about it. He thinks he’s an expert on this shit, an’ he’s gonna mess with somethin’ big if he keeps this up.” “I’m sure you’ve told him that.” “He doesn’t listen. He gets this look in his eye, like it’s a game, or like… I dunno. Feels sometimes like he thinks he’s…” He searches for the words. “Like he thinks he oughta be the boss a’me, or somethin’.”

He rubs absentmindedly at the moss on his nose. It clings, stubborn as ever, same with the patches by his hairline, and he’s found it’s easier to just add another little layer to his glamour than try to do anything about it.

Maybe that’s indicative of a bigger problem. It’s easier to do a bit of magic and make everything look better than to actually fix the underlying problem. Ugh, introspection, how absolutely miserable. He wants to keep thoughts like that locked away tight, but they have a habit of slipping past his mental defenses and making him feel worse. Absolutely no one can make him feel shittier than he himself can. He sinks to the ground, going purple, and he’s instantly wrapped in his mother’s arms. “It’s okay, Beetlejuice,” Emily has both her hands on the back of his head, and he pushes his face into the crook of her neck. “I just.. I’ve only got the one friend,” he groans. “I don’t wanna stop bein’ his friend, but.. Fuck, ma.”

“I know.” Her voice is a soothing balm. She works her hands through the mess of purple hair at the back of his head. “I know, sweetheart. I know it’s lonely at school, but school isn’t forever,” she tries to assure him. “If your friend is treating you this way, well.. He’s not a very good friend. Do you want to be around someone who makes you feel this bad? Does it feel worth it, to you?”

He knows the correct answer is, “No,” but he’s not sure if his self esteem is high enough for that.

“I like him a lot,” He grumbles, and she hums again. “He’s handsome,” She says, and then pulls back far enough to pinch his nose. “But not as handsome as my son, of course,” and it’s silly enough to help knock away his mood, so that’s something, at least. “What should I do?” He doesn’t pull away from her, just soaks up the mom energy for as long as he can. “I think you need to have a talk,” Emily tells him. “Lay out how you’re feeling. Try to get his side of things, and make sure he hears your side, too. Then, at least you both tried, you know?”

It’s such a mom type answer. He groans again.

“I was worried you’d say some shit like that.” She fuzzes his hair, and he feels the tingle in his scalp that means it’s changed colors. Back to green, he assumes. “You know your moss changes color along with your hair? And your creepo-stache?” “Leave the stache alone, it’s tryin’ it’s best,” He pretends to be defensive.

“It makes you look like the founder of a forum for people who marry their cars,” Lydia offers, from the bottom step of the staircase, where she has apparently been just chilling and listening.

“Wh-! Mom, it’s not that bad, right?” Emily tilts her head to the side and gives what can only be described as a condescending smile. “Oh, you’re both in for it now.” He brings the various decor items to life to terrorize them, and then Charles joins his side, sympathizing with his son vis-à-vis bad teenage facial hair, and by the time the whole squabble is over, hardly any decorating has gotten done… But he does feel better. His family’s good like that.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Monday rolls around, same as it always does, but there’s a weird feeling in the air. Halloween is a week away, barely missing getting a weekend date, but there’s some big Halloween bash the school is apparently throwing. There’s fliers for it everywhere, plastered all over lockers and bulletin boards. He’s not much of a participator, though, and his reaction to his locker being plastered over with invites to a party he doesn't care about is to snap his fingers. All the fliers on all the lockers up and down the hall, all instantly fall loose at once, littering the floor. A few students jump back, but no one looks his way, because why would they?

He’s grabbing his history textbook when he feels a tap on the shoulder, and when he turns, it’s a girl he recognizes, but her name is absolutely lost on him.

“You’re BJ, right?” Miffy askes, and he nods. “Yeah, s’right,” and Margo seems to wince at how gruff his voice is, before continuing. “Um, you and that guy Kevin, you’re like…” Milicent trails off, waiting for him to finish her thought, but sorry, baby, he can barely finish his own. “Like…?” He says, with his gravel voice copying her tone and inflection, and she huffs. “Together?” Marge asks, “Like, all of the time?”

He cocks his head, and squints at her, hands t-rexing at his sides, as Lydia likes to say.\

“Usually,” He concedes, and he gets the feeling he’s dragging this out much, much more than Mango clearly wants, because he spies a group of girls a little ways off, waiting for her. One of them is staring intently, more focused on him, but he pushes that thought aside.

“Look, okay, he’s gonna be out for a few days, and I’m just trying to see if you can take him his homework,” McGrubber has grown tired of having to stand here, talking to the chubby goth loser, apparently. “I’m a student aid in the office and they’re trying to make me do it, but I have track practice!” Thaaaat’s where he knows her from. She looks different, not bouncing and sweating and also not half a football field away. “Sure, fine, I’ll make sure Kev gets his work. Wouldn’t want you to miss out on running in a fuckin’ circle, Maria.” Her face sours. “It’s Blair.” So close. “Who fuckin’ cares,” He replies, and turns back to his locker. He can hear her rejoin her friend group, all of them fawning over her harrowing experience of having to speak to him in public. The last thing he hears from Blair is, “He’s just so goddamn weird,” and then the group rounds the corner.

He closes his locker harder than he maybe needs to.

Kevin isn’t in class that day, or the next, or even the one after. The shade tree has withered and died completely, it’s color sapped and gone, and even walking near it makes him feel uneasy. His new lonely lunch spot is under the bleachers, which feels even more voyeuristic of a spot to watch the track team, but even that activity feels tainted, somehow. He’s back to being lonely.

He can’t stand being lonely.

It gets so bad he contemplates sitting, wait for it, on the bleachers, and maybe even trying to strike up a conversation, but he’s too chicken shit. He’s been going to school with these kids for the past three years, and no one’s wanted to talk to him or chat with him in all that time. He can’t imagine that’s about to change.

Still, on Thursday, miserable and lonely, he gives it a try.

Sitting up here sucks. It’s just a hard metal seat on a gloomy day, and when he’d ventured up and sat down, other people had slowly moved away from him, until he was sitting by himself, all the breathers huddled in a different area, away from him. He'd tried talking, but hardly had a "Hey, how ya doin'?" grated out before the migration began.

Figures.

He finishes eating and lies on his back, resting his hands on his chest, eyes closed, and after a while he feels someone standing over him, and something laid over his hands. He opens his eyes. There’s the most beautiful girl staring down at him. She’s got long, bleach blonde hair, darker at the roots, which is hanging down in a halo around her face, and the biggest, clearest blue eyes he’s ever seen. He glances down, to see she’s placed a daisy over his hand. He looks back up at her, amber eyes questioning.

“You looked so still,” She smiles. Her voice is like music. He thinks he can hear harps. “With your hands folded like that. Kind of like an open casket.” He’d been forgetting to breathe, apparently, which happens sometimes. She thought he looked like a corpse, and she placed a flower over him.

“Sorry, if that’s weird. You’re.. BJ?” She asks, and he picks up the daisy, sits up, and nods. “Yeah, you’re…” “Barbara,” she fills him in. “You’re not so good with names.” “Mmm. Buffy tell you that?” He recognizes her now, from that group of girls. Barbara sits next to him, which makes zero sense. “It’s Blair,” she corrects him gently, but not without a giggle in her voice. “Oh, right.” Her name could be fuckin’ Moonpie and it’d make the same amount of difference to him, but he’d agree with anything Barbara said, if it meant she kept sitting there, talking to him. “Are you going to the Halloween party?” She asks. “Supposed to be pretty killer. It kind of seems like your scene.” “I’m not exactly a social butterfly,” which is the understatement of the god damn century, honestly, but she laughs and nudges her shoulder with his. “Well, I think you should come. I bet you’d have the coolest costume. Maybe think about it?”

“I guess, maybe..” He says lamely, because his brain is short circuiting from that small touch.

“Barb, come on!” someone calls to her from a ways away, on the track. Lunch is nearly over. She stands, and smooths down the long skirt she’s wearing, which is modest but flattering. “Later, BJ,” she smiles, and just like that, she’s gone, like an angel going back up to heaven in a beam of light, off to rejoin her friends. He can hear what she says to them, though. “You guys are mean, he’s not so bad. Just shy.”

He keeps the daisy in a little glass of water on his dresser, and strums love songs on his ukulele.

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Thinking about Barbara and her smile and the way she nudged him is a fun distraction, at least for a little while, but when it’s Saturday, and he still hasn’t heard from Kevin, he decides it’s time to demon up and see what the fuck is happening with him. He’s been just teleporting Kev’s homework inside his room, and he’s sure it’s falling into a pile on the floor each time and startling him, but no one ever said how he had to deliver it. Today though, emboldened by the pretty girl on the bleachers, he appears at Kevin’s front door instead, holding Friday’s work, and he knocks. It takes a moment, but Mr. Loh answers.

Betelgeuse hasn’t had much chance to interact with Kev’s dad. He looks like a normal, tired dad, wholly unimpressive, and kinda short. Chuck could wrestle this guy to the mat, no problem.

“Oh, BJ,” Mr. Loh says, and then glances at what’s in his hands. “Kevin’s homework? Thank you. He’s holed up in his room… won’t come out.. Maybe,” and he suddenly looks hopeful. “You two are friends. Maybe you can try talking to him?”

Well, that’s what he was there to do anyways, so sure. “I gotcha, Mr. L,” he nods, stepping inside, and heading up the stairs and down the hall to Kevin’s room. The closer he gets to the door, though, the weirder he feels. Something stinks, figuratively and literally. It smells like… It smells like the waiting room. It’s that same, veil is thin type air that he can smell on Halloween night, but how the fuck is he smelling it here? He bangs on Kevin’s door. “Hey, Kev, it’s the B-Man,” he calls, trying to keep his tone playful, but he feels like he’s doing a poor job. What the hell is going on? “Come on, man, open up!” He tries again, when he receives no response. He thinks he can hear a shuffle behind the door. “Dude, I will bust this fuckin’ door down,” He growls, all the play gone from his tone. “You know I will. Better yet-”

He appears inside the bedroom, just in time for Kevin to slam shut the closet door. Kevin turns to look at him, back pressed to the wood. There’s a beat, both teens staring at each other, wide eyed, Betelgeuse in that weird way he does, and Kevin looking frazzled. “What,” the demon grates out, “the fuck, are you getting up to in here? It smells like the netherworld, Kev.” Unfortunately, that makes Kevin’s face light up. “It does? Oh my god, that’s perfect! It must be starting to work!” He crosses the bedroom, going to his desk, where an old book is sitting open. It’s not the same one he took from his friend, it can’t be, that book is still a mile down in presumably solid rock. “Another musty ass tome, great,” he growls, but Kevin ignores him, flipping through the book.

He hates feeling ignored.

A black and white striped arm sprouts from Kevin’s desk, and slams the book shut, which makes the breather turn and glare at him. “Get out of my room, BJ,” is all Kevin says, and Betelgeuse ignores that, instead crossing the floor to get a look at that book. “Where th’ hell do you keep finding these fuckin’ things?”

“This one I bought from a one armed man living out of a 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale,” Kevin recites. Betelgeuse squints at him, top teeth over bottom lip. “You’re too gay to know what that means,” he says, plainly, and Kevin shrugs. “He wouldn’t stop talking about his stupid car. I now know more about that antique than I know about geography.” It feels fun, for a second, like this drama isn’t happening, and they’re just having a conversation. It doesn’t last, though. He can’t let Kev off the hook.

“So you bought a second cursed book, this time from some amputee homeless guy, and you’re just, doing the rituals inside of it? And this seems like a super good idea to you?”

“I’m practicing,” Kevin replies.

“So what’s in the closet, Kevin?”

“Get out of my room, Betelgeuse.”

The way Kevin says his name is weird. It doesn’t feel like how it normally feels when a breather says the full thing. He shakes it off, and gives his friend a defiant look, before waving a hand and throwing open the closet door. There’s a cleared spot, in the middle of the closet floor, and a fucking summoning circle in what smells like, “Pig’s blood? Couldn’t get human?” He turns to look at Kevin, who is glaring at him intently. He matches the look.

“Betelgeuse Shoggoth, get out of my room.”

That gets his attention. It feels like an invisible hand is pushing him, and he stumbles back out of the room, confused. “W-what?” Kevin is just standing there, staring at him, and Betelgeuse stares back, eyes wild. “You motherfucker,” he hisses, eyes in snake slits, teeth sharp, claws extended. “You wanna do that “real name” bullshit with me? That the choice you’re makin’ here, Kev?”

Kevin doesn’t even look phased. “I’m working on gaining a bit more control, but looks like that works, for now.”

“You’re cracked!” Betelgeuse growls, absolutely furious. “You’re really tryin’ to summon me? Are you out of your head!?”

“You’re wasting your powers,” Kevin storms forward. “You’re a supernatural being, and you go to school and play your stupid ukulele, and don’t even try to do anything bigger. You could be stepping on everyone under you,” his former friend is going red in the face. “You could be leading, you could be ruling, but you just jerk off in your room and play pretend at being human. But someone might as well profit, here. Why not me?”

“I thought.. I thought we were friends,” is all the demon can say, lamely, and Kevin’s smile is the meanest thing he’s ever seen on a breather. “Once you’re fully listening to me, we can be friends again. Betelgeuse Shoggoth, get out of my house.”

He feels that same invisible pull, and he thinks maybe if he was stronger he could resist it, but a demon’s true name is like a lead on a dog, meant to control them, and unfortunately, Kevin has a tight hand on his leash. He makes it to the front door, and stumbles out, covering his face until he can calm himself enough to reapply his glamour.

Shit, he thinks, straightening up, and staring up at Kevin’s bedroom window. He is so fucked. ``````````````````````````````````````````````` Posted this chapter and another over at Ao3. You can read it right here

[moirai-au]

Timeline: arc 6 - Aftermath, about a week after the Orator is defeated

Warnings: shippy, Davil, vague mentions of alcoholism and self-harm

Taglist: @immabethehero @bupine​ @tabbynerdicat @i-maybe-exist @its-ethan-bro @sandinthetardis @honestlyitsjustkenna @taikeero-lecoredier @idkwheresanti

if any of yall (18+ only for the love of god please) wanna see the ns*w version, it’s over here.

“And you still won’t tell me where we’re going, or what we’re even doing.”

“Nope! That’s the whole concept of a surprise, babe.”

Cecil pursed his lips, unamused. He closed the book he’d been finishing just a moment prior and set it aside, on the growing pile of useless volumes right next to the desk. It wasn’t as big or as comfortable as the one in his own apartment, but it made do. “You do know I still have three other idiots to take care of here, right?”

“They’ll be fine, trust me. Charlie can take care of himself, Mars barely does anything but sleep for now, and Ollie’s watching over him. You can leave for a few hours without the mansion burning to the ground, you know.”

Cecil raised a brow. “...Were you even here for the last month and a half?”

“Painfully present, yeah,” Dave chuckled. “Remember the smell of the oven melting? I still don’t understand how the kid pulled that one off.”

The older man groaned. “For someone who wanted to reassure me, you’re not doing a very good job of it.”

“Oh c’mon! It’s gonna be okay, I’m sure of it. Besides, you really need a break.”

“I do not!” Cecil protested, distractedly scratching at his appearing stubble. Dave peered up at him with a deadpan look, considering his wrinkled clothes, his emaciated face and the dark rings under his eyes. “...Really? You know what, it doesn’t matter,” he shook his head, his blue eyes hardening. “This is me putting my foot down, not a negotiation. I’m not gonna sit here and let you run yourself into the ground like this. You’re coming with me, and that’s final.”

 The doctor stared at the younger man, taken aback- he’d never heard him use this tone before. it was firm, confident, and evidently left no room for complaint. “...Fine.” he heard himself say before he even realized it. Verdammt. Maybe he was more tired than he thought, giving in that easily.

Or maybe Dave just had this natural sense of authority Cecil had never seen before, because he’d never actually needed it. It actually made sense, considering he was a father.

Thinking about it now, it was obvious. Cecil could’ve hit himself.

“Great!” David beamed, his previous sternness gone as fast as it had arrived. “Just lemme grab a few things first, and pack warm clothes. I’ll get my car.”

“I- your car?” the doctor repeated, his confusion growing- just how far was Dave planning to take them? The smaller male only winked in response, an impish grin on his tanned face. “You’ll see.”

 ***

 It was an abnormally warm night for mid-december.

Well, warm as in… not freezing. Enough above zero that you could stand outside comfortably with a thick enough sweater kinda warm. When-even-are-seasons-anymore-climate-change-is gonna-kill-us-all kinda warm.

“I don’t get it.” Cecil mumbled as they exited the car, making a valiant effort to tone down his annoyance. “Why have you brought us here?” There truly was nothing here, other than miles and miles of rolling hills, some train tracks a few yards away, and a forest somewhere East.

Dave didn’t respond- he just smiled up at him, a hand holding the strap of the backpack he’d brought along. A giddy smile that made Cecil’s stomach flutter a little. Then he silently pointed upward, looking at him expectantly.

Cecil frowned, nonplussed, reflexively following the other’s movement; what was he-

What… was…

 He was looking up. Up, up into the endless sky. And he kept on looking, jaw growing slack, arms falling to his sides.

Because there was just so many stars so many stars more than he’d ever seen in his entire life, it was like he was ten all over again looking up through the window and babbling about rocket ships and aliens and how he was going to see it all one day-

 “You okay in there, hot stuff?”

Cecil snapped out of his stupor, looking down to see David smirking smugly at him- he was holding a thermos in each of his hands, and there was a blanket laid on the grass, big enough for the two of them. So that’s what he’d packed in his bag. “How-” he cleared his throat, “How did you…”

Dave only winked, tapping a finger against his temple. “...Oh.” the doctor realized. Right. They’d all been in each other’s heads.

“It’s mostly faded by now,” Dave shrugged, setting the warm containers on a corner of the blanket, “Those are your memories, and nobody should snoop through them… but that one stuck with me. And I- I really wanted to surprise you, y’know?”

Cecil nodded, not the slightest trace of anger or annoyance on his features. He just looked up again, silent, pale moonlight lighting up his milky white skin.

Then he looked back at him and Dave was pretty sure he was going to die on the spot.

 Cecil was smiling. Not the cocky, arrogant smirk he sometimes wore. Nor the small, timid one he managed to draw out of him once in a blue moon.

An actual, genuinely happy smile that went up to his grey, dark-rimmed eyes, crinkled up and sparkling with joy. Oh, fuck me, he thought.

 Could one fall for the same person twice?

 “Thank you,” Cecil breathed out, his voice uncharacteristically unsteady. “I… You… I’m sorry. For- for getting annoyed, I know I shouldn’t, you don’t- you deserve better.”

Ah, shit. This tall motherfucker was actually going to make him cry at this rate. “Shit man,” Dave choked, stepping closer to Cecil. “Just- c’m’here.”

He wrapped his arms around the taller man’s middle and pulled him close, tilting his head up to welcome the German’s lips on his own, the older man’s slender hands settling on both sides of his face. The kiss was slow, tender, yet filled with latent intensity and passion. They somehow ended up on the blanket, sitting ever-so close and filling the chilly air with wanton sighs and hums, carried away by the cold breeze.

 They eventually pulled back, catching their breath- they were both flushed, eyes slightly glazed over, as they looked at each other with gentle devotion. “I must say…” the doctor murmured, still a bit lightheaded, “This is… quite the break.”

Dave chuckled fondly, before pecking playfully at his lover’s forehead. “Told you you needed it. You’re running yourself ragged Ceec, no wonder you’re on edge.”

“Still, I shouldn’t keep taking out my frustration on you. It’s not right.”

Dave hummed. “Yeah, I know. But you’ve gotten better at it, really. Just gotta keep going forward, yeah?” He tucked a strand of greying hair behind Cecil’s left ear. “ ‘sides, you know I won’t just stand there and take it if you really start to be an ass.”

Cecil snorted. “So I’ve seen. You’d probably snap me in two.”

“Damn right I could! Look at that scrawny ass, I could kick it into the sun.”

“Mmh, I don’t think so. You like it too much, as you keep telling me.”

“Aw shit, he figured it out,” Dave fake-whispered, before they both broke out into laughter. “Oh, also,” he gasped when the hilarity subsided, “this isn’t just a break. S’also a celebration!”

“A celebration?”

 Dave smiled, holding out a thermos to the older man. He looked proud of himself. “Happy one month clean, handsome.”

It took him a few seconds to understand, but when he did, he reflexively rubbed at his arm, feeling his face warm up significantly as he accepted the offering, taking a sip. Mmh, black coffee, no cream and no sugar. Just how he liked it. “Ah… yes, thank you.”

“And I’m almost three months sober!” the father cheered, wrapping an arm around his partner’s neck to pull him closer. “Man, look at us. We’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

Cecil chuckled, a little smile gracing his lips as he looked up at the inky skies above. “I… guess we are.”

 They laid down next to each other, their shoulders bumping together as they huddled under the extra blanket Dave had brought along. Alone, together on that grassy hill more than an hour away from the city, they tried to find as many constellations as they could while Cecil offered trivia and anecdotes on each of them, like the Earth’s sky map had been burned into his brain at a young age. 

But then again, with the doctor’s photographic memory, it might’ve just been.

 Ursa Major. Altair. Alpha Centauri. Supernovas. Nebulae. His eyes shone with almost feverish enthusiasm as he talked, making him look so much younger, so alive, as Dave listened with rapt attention.

Then, as the older man was going over the specifics of the supermassive black whole at the center of the Milky Way, Dave rolled them over, coming to a stop to stand on all fours above Cecil, smiling lovingly.

The German stopped rambling and blinked up at him- with his hair uncovered and framing his face in auburn curls, his deep blue eyes crinkled up in amusement, and the myriad of stars surrounding him, David looked like he belonged in a Van Gogh painting. Beautiful. Almost ethereal, yet so real, so… tangible. Oh how he wanted to frame the moment so he could keep it forever.

He gulped. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Before he could stop himself, his finger mindlessly started to trace invisible lines between Dave’s freckles, drawing a surprised giggle from the man. 

 His very own milky way. Full of constellations for him alone to name. All within his reach.

 “Shouldn’t you look up? The stars are up there.” he mumbled, thoughts not quite straight. Dave laughed, clear and deep. “Don’t need to. I can see them in your eyes. That’s more than enough for me.”

Silence. Cecil huffed. “That was the corniest thing you’ve said yet.”

“C’mon, you know you like it. You’re blushing.”

“Shut up and kiss me again, you dumm.”

 Dave happily complied.

***

It would be dawn soon. As they stared at the endless space above them- mostly void, partially stars- sipping hot tea and coffee from their respective thermoses, huddled together under a thick woolen blanket to shield themselves from the chilliness of that winter night… they felt like they’d brushed with eternity.

“Hey.” Dave whispered, breaking the comfortable silence.

A quiet hum of acknowledgement.

“Do you.. regret not going? Up there.”

“Mmh. F’course, a little still. T’was my dream.” the German mumbled, words slurring together. Right. Of course he did, dumb question. “But…”

The father blinked. “But…?”

“Wouldn’t have met… Mars. ‘liver.” A pause, an intake of breath. “Met you.”

 Dave bit his lip, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. He wiped at the wetness at the corner of his eyes, smiling so hard it almost hurt. “Y-Yeah. I guess so.” He squeezed his lover’s hand underneath the blanket. “Ceec…?”

 A quiet, soft snore was his only reply. Dave chuckled quietly and turned his head- Cecil was out like a light, lips slightly parted, his usually sharp features smoothed over and relaxed.

The smaller man gently reached out to cup the other’s sleeping face, his thumb slowly stroking over his cheekbone- just watching. This wasn’t a sight he was graced with often; they might have been sharing a bed for a few weeks now, but the doctor always went to sleep later than he did, and always got up before him, by the pale light of dawn… that is, when he even bothered to sleep at all.

That was the main reason why he’d dragged his partner out on this little trip- Cecil had been working himself to the bone again, going over piles and piles of old books in search for an explanation, for any information on Mars’ abilities and his newfound… condition. To no avail so far, which was driving the older man even more frantic. Between this, trying to cater to everyone’s physical and mental wellness, and the logistical nightmare that was the latest addition to their little group- an honest-to-god time-traveler… well, he looked like the slightest breeze would knock him over.

In short, he’d been in need of a break. Badly. Preferably the kind that would knock some sense into that big brain of his. Since they both had gotten together, Dave had been trying to get Cecil to take better care of himself, to stop skipping meals, to finally sleep a decent amount each night… hell, he’d started to see some actual progress before Mars was kidnapped and everything had gone to shit. 

He couldn’t let his efforts go to waste, especially not now. Not in such a delicate time, when they were all still recovering. And now, looking at Cecil, sleeping deeply and peacefully for the first time since the kid had disappeared almost a month ago… Dave was glad he hadn’t given up.

 And that he’d filled that thermos with decaf, but Ceec didn’t need to know that.

 Dave sighed contentedly as he snuggled closer to the other, burying his face in his chest and drawing the blanket higher over them both, letting himself be lulled into a comfortable drowsiness. Their backs would probably be sore from sleeping on the hard ground... but that was a problem for future them.

[puckinghell]

Home | Tyson Barrie

Summary: A new city to call home means a lot of people to leave behind Word count: 2k Note: Thank you to Tyson Barrie for being the mess we all needed in this team. We will miss you, but not as much as Gabe and Nate will. Yall can catch me crying about this until trade season next year despite the fact that he got traded to my other favorite team. I listened to More Than Words by Little Mix while writing this cause it’s the kinda emo song this trade calls for. 

--

You find out through Twitter.

It’s not Tyson’s fault, not really; he’s hanging out with Biz when he gets the call and when Biz knows something, it takes approximately 0.3 seconds before the entirety of the internet knows. 

But still, there’s something surreal about the situation. You’re sitting on the couch watching Nailed It! when your phone starts buzzing and ringing and going absolutely insane. 

The first text you see is from Mel. 

I’m so sorry, babe.

You have no idea what she’s talking about until you see a Twitter notification, staring at you from the small screen in your hand. The words are simple, yet they are impossible to comprehend.

Tyson Barrie and Alexander Kerfoot traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs

Nothing else even registers with you; you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone what the Avs got back for them. 

For Kerfy. And your boyfriend.

It’s almost comical, the way your world crashes and burns within seconds while Ralph doesn’t even lift an eyelid. Outside, the cars are still driving. Someone honks. The rain is softly ticking against the window. 

You have no idea how long you sit there, waiting. Thinking. A thousand thoughts whirl through your mind. 

Most of them come back to the fact that it’s not freaking fair. 

Not when Tyson has been so adamant about wanting to be in Colorado. Not when his best friends are here. Sure, he knows Morgan Rielly, likes him, but he’s not Nate. Not Gabe. Not EJ. 

God. 

It’s not fair either, that Tyson was really starting to pull his life together. He mentioned that he wanted some stability. He started looking at houses to buy. He got a puppy; the proof is currently sleeping at your feet, happily oblivious to the fact that everything is going to hell. 

He even mentioned moving in together, a few weeks ago.

There were no concrete plans; he hadn’t officially asked you yet. Just kinda casually threw into conversation that the house he was going to buy was going to have to have plenty room for two people, while he was cooking some stupidly healthy vegetable stir and simultaneously eating ice cream straight out the carton before dinner. 

“Why, is Nate finally moving in with you?” you’d teased, and he’d smiled his typical lopsided smile and said, without even blushing:

“No, but you hopefully are.” 

You were left speechless and in shock and he just started rambling about how nice it would be to have a pool - apparently he’d forgotten about the fact that it was winter for 10 months a year in Colorado - and the subject was dropped, but it had been circling in your mind.

You know you would say yes, if he asked. You would say yes to just about anything Tyson asked, and it isn’t just because his big brown eyes look suspiciously like Ralph’s. 

It’s because you know that for you, it’s always gonna be Tyson. Perhaps it always was, since the very first time you met him all those years ago, all starry eyed and bright smiled at a festival. Since he tripped over his own feet and bumped into you, and apologized profusely while Nate laughed so hard he nearly threw up. 

You’ve never loved someone as much as you love Tyson, and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to love someone like that again. 

But now he’s leaving. Ripped from your hands, slipping through your fingers like sand.

It’s not that you haven’t known it could happen, not with the rumors surrounding Tyson like they’ve surrounded nobody else, but it’s a bit like the boy that cried wolf; after a while, the rumors faded into the background, because hey, it didn’t happen last time either, did it?

You let yourself fall into a comfortable sense of peace, and that was your first mistake.

No, second. First mistake was falling for an NHL player. 

Your phone rings again and you barely glance at it, the ringing sounding muffled in your ears - you don’t know how it feels to be in shock but this might be it - but then Tyson’s face flashes across the screen and you reach for it quickly, startling the puppy at your feet, who jumps up and starts whining.

“Tys?” 

It’s quiet, for a second, on the other side, and you wonder if he meant to call you. 

But then he speaks and his voice sounds a little muffled, sounds thick with emotion and empty at the same time, somehow, sounds upset, and that’s the worst.

“Are you still at my place?” 

“Yeah,” you breathe out. “I’m here.” Of course you are; he asked you to watch Ralph while he went out and you wouldn’t leave the dog alone, not at this age when he still needs to go outside every ten minutes and likes to eat shoes for entertainment. 

“Stay there,” Tyson says. “I’m coming home.” He pauses and you figure he has the same thought as you are having.

Home. 

But not for long.

“Stay,” Tyson repeats, a little sharply, as if he’s expecting you to run off before he gets there.

You don’t even think you could move if you tried.

“Okay.” 

He hangs up then and it takes him barely fifteen minutes to get there, even though you know the restaurant he was at was at least a 25 minute drive. He burst through the door looking disheveled, looking sad, too. 

His shoulders are slumped and he suddenly looks much more tired than he had when he left this morning. Normally, Tyson is the easiest person to read, but now there’s not really a hint of any emotion on his face. 

He doesn’t even smile when Ralph runs up to him and that’s how you know everything is so very, very wrong. 

“Tys,” you start, but then his eyes meet yours and it’s like all the words leave your mind, and all you can do is walk up to him and collapse in his arms.

He catches you easily, as you knew he would. His arms are tight around your waist, so tight it almost hurts but it’s exactly what you need; to feel him, to know he’s still there, at least for now. 

“I know,” Tyson whispers. “I know, babe.” 

You’re not quite sure what he knows and he’s probably not either, it’s just that there’s not much to say when your entire life gets ripped apart. 

You stand there for what feels like ages. Tyson moves you to the couch at some point, pulling you down with him as he falls backwards into the pillows. You can feel his heart beat under your ear with your head on his chest and the steady rhythm is the only thing keeping your mind from spiraling out of control. 

But however bad this is for you, it’s so, so much worse for him, so finally, you force yourself to sit up and smile.

“So, Toronto, huh? I guess I could be a Raptors fan.” 

“I’m actually gonna play for the Leafs,” Tyson says dryly, and suddenly you’re both laughing, hysterically giggling with tears in your eyes and it’s better than crying out of sadness but only just. 

When silence falls over the apartment, Tyson grabs your hands, his face serious again. “Hey, you know I love you, right?” 

You swallow and nod, not trusting your own voice.

“I love you too much to ask you to wait for me.” 

His words sink in slowly, then all at once, and panic washes over you as the quietness of the apartment becomes deafening.

Wait for you. Wait for him here, in Colorado.

He’s not planning on taking you with him. 

Hurt must be written clear over your face because his eyes soften, a soft “babe” passing his lips right before you yank your hands away from him, scurry away from him until your back hits the arm of the couch. 

“You’re breaking up with me.” 

It’s not a question because you know the answer. 

“I don’t want to.” Tyson’s voice is a little shaky despite the fact that he’s gritting his teeth in order to control it. “I don’t have a choice, Y/N. I’m going to move to Toronto. That’s not just a different city, that’s a different country.” 

“And you don’t want me there.” 

The crease on his forehead deepens. “I can’t ask you to leave everything you have behind. You’ve got a job here. Friends. Family.” 

You jump off the couch, now in full hysterics; tears are pushing against the back of your eyes and you feel your lungs constricting.

“But the only thing I’ve got here that I care about, that I wouldn’t wanna leave behind, is you.”

Tyson stands up too, although he’s not moving. 

“I can’t ask you to leave behind your home,” he croaks and it’s the first time you can fully see how much this is hurting him, how much this is killing him inside, breaking his heart into little pieces with each word he’s uttering. It’s the first time you forget about your own misery completely. 

So you step forward, one hand coming up to cup his cheek; he leans into your touch as if it’s the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth, his eyelids fluttering shut. His cheeks are red, like they always are when he gets upset.

You know him so well, know every single piece of him. 

“Home can be everywhere,” you mumble. “Home can be wherever you are.” 

“I don’t want you to give up everything for my dream,” Tyson all but whispers. “I chose this, not you.” 

“But I chose you.” At that, he opens his eyes, deep brown orbs locking with yours. You can tell he’s searching for a sign, anything in your expression to tell him you’re not telling the truth.

He won’t find any.

“I knew that being with you would include this. But I chose you anyway because I needed to. I need you, to be with you. Wherever that might be.” You pull a face. “And at least it’s Toronto. Can you imagine if you were traded to like. Montreal? I don’t speak French.” 

He laughs, and it’s music to your ears; then suddenly his lips are against yours in a feverish desperation unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.

It’s like your touch is the only thing that could keep him from drowning, meanwhile you’re getting lost in his lips against yours, his hands against the bare skin of your back. He starts pushing you towards the bedroom and you know you’ve not really talked about anything but you let him anyway.

This is what he needs, right now, to feel you with him, to know you’re there. And you’re gonna do whatever he needs because so many times, he’s done that for you. 

Time seems to stand still and speed up at the same time and it’s dark when you’re laying tangled in the sheets, facing each other, his fingers intwined with yours. 

He’s staring at you fondly as he speaks. “I was going to ask you to move in with me, you know. When I found a house I loved. I was gonna bake a cake and put the key in it. Gabe helped me come up with that.” 

You would have laughed at the idea of possibly choking on a key as you tried to enjoy Tyson’s famous lava cake but now you can’t, because at the sounds of Gabe’s name Tyson’s face falls. 

The Leafs don’t have a captain right now and maybe that’s better, because you know there’s nobody that could do for Tyson what Gabe did, nobody that could replace Gabe in that special place in Tys’ heart. 

No more wine nights with Mel, walks with Zoey and Ralph. No more Nate crashing for dinner, no more Josty exclaiming he’s the better Tyson, no more teasing from Z or sarcastic remarks from EJ or Colin, telling you he doesn’t know how you put up with these guys.

You’re gonna miss them, but it’s something you can deal with. Something Tyson has to deal with.

But not alone.

“Ask me,” you say, and Tyson doesn’t have to ask for clarification.

“I don’t think Toronto can be home without you. Will you please come with me?”

He seems a little nervous to ask but your answer was decided a long time ago, long before the rumors really started, maybe even the second you met him.

“Of course I’ll come with you.” 

He wraps his arms around you and he’ll do the same thing in a month, when you spend the first night sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an empty apartment in the center of Toronto, the city lights illuminating the room cause you didn’t have time to buy curtains and the hot summer air crawling up the walls. 

He wraps his arms around you and you’re home. 

[feelthepainofdodick]

Love For Hire - Ch. 3 - (D.D. x Reader)

Summary: David hires you to be his fake girlfriend for a month to get the diza stans off his back. This experience is the craziest thing that has ever happened to you and the emotional consequences that ensue are something you never expected.

Notes: I know Carly and Bruce just broke up but I just basically finished editing as they announced so if yall don’t wanna read and just wallow I understand but the next chapter of Love For Hire is here for yall when yall are ready. Also! Thank you to the people sending in requests! its so exciting. Thank you all truly. Im going to start writing them asap. Should be up by tonight or tomorrow. One last thing, this series truly is a slow burn. I have a million ideas for this series so there will be a lot of chapters. Hope yall love a good slow burn because that is exactly what this is. Much love, Julie

Word Count: 1775

CHAPTER ONE - CHAPTER TWO

“DDDDAAAVVVIDDDDDDDD!” You hear someone yell from inside the house as Natalie opens the glass door to their home. You follow behind them as they walk in taking off their shoes, you do the same. 

This tall, multi-hair colored man hugged David and looked in my direction. He let go of David and said with a grin, “Well, David who did you bring home?” Looking at me from top to bottom. He walked over to me and gave me a big bear hug. “Hi. I’m Zane.” You struggled to breathe as the hug was very tight. David hit him on the side making him let go of you. “Don’t suffocate her dumbass.” He says to Zane, making him let go. “This is (Y/N).” 

“And how come I’ve never met (Y/N), David.” He glared at David while putting his arm around your shoulder walking over to the living room where other people you didn’t know were sitting.

“Because I just met her about thirty minutes ago.” He said as we all sat on the couch. You are now sitting in between Zane and this boy with blonde hair and many tattoos. 

“Ummm? What? Who are you (Y/N)?” Zane says with his full attention now on me.

“Well… I’m (Y/N) and I’ve been hired to be David’s fake girlfriend for a month.” You say casually. Multiple gasps come from people you have yet to meet but Zane just starts laughing. So hard that it makes the others start laughing.

When he finally stops, he looks over at David. “Couldn’t get a girl to date you so you had to hire one, huh?” He says beginning to laugh again.

David looks around, cheeks flushed, “you know I’m not looking to date anyone Zane. You all know how hard its been to be Liza’s ex boyfriend. I have a lot of press coming up within the next month so I’m giving everyone a distraction. (Y/N) is everyone’s distraction.” He says gesturing towards you like a shiny toy. The rest of the group nods in understanding.

The rest of the night is filled with music, jokes, meeting everyone, and many cameras. You were able to introduce yourself properly to the rest of the people there. You met Matt, Heath, Scott, and Joe. They were all extremely nice and took to you as a little sister type. They all felt so comfortable and homey. You then met the girls there; Carly, Erin, and Corinna. You instantly clicked with them. They were a perfect mix of funny, girly, down to earth, but also had a slight edge to them that made them not feel like superficial girls. It was a little surreal hanging out with the vlog squad after doing so much research on them in the plane but you just clicked with them just like you hoped you would.

Slowly one by one people started leaving David’s house to go home. First Corinna, to go stream. Heath next to go back to his girlfriend Mariah. Carly and Erin next to go to their respective apartments and boyfriends. Then Scott and Joe to also go back to their homes and girlfriends. Then lastly, Zane and Matt to go back to the house they shared. When everyone was gone, Natalie showed you to your room, when you did some light unpacking, you went out to the living room to find David on his computer and Natalie lying on the couch scrolling through her phone. You casually sit on the love sac across from them. “So are you guys ready to talk details?” You say trying not to be too forward but wanting to know details because this was, in fact, your job.

Natalie looks over to David and nods. Natalie sits up. “So, the main objective we were hoping to accomplish with hiring you is to distract people from David’s ex relationship for press. Do you know about David and his youtube?” She questions.

You nod. “I did my research during the flight, I have a general idea of who you all are.”

“Okay great! I’m sure you’ll learn smaller things to make the fake relationship more believable as you continue hanging out with us. So we need you to be a subtle affectionate kind of girlfriend. We do have cameras on nearly all the time. So just hang out with David as if you two are best friends and throw in some touches, some kisses on the cheek, overall general closeness. You’ll attend any events he has to do, but we all attend them so it’s not just you alone. You will have to act the part of a lot of the time. How does that sound? Am I scaring you?” She asks concerned.

“No! No no. I’m fine. Just a lot of information at once. I just want to make sure its not weird. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable David.” You said now looking over to David who was still looking at his laptop. “Because I’m completely willing to act the part but obviously we are not actually dating and I don’t want things to be weird.” David is now looking at you. He sighs, pushes his laptop over to the side, and sits closer to Natalie to face you. 

“I don’t think it’ll be weird. I think the only thing I’m hesitant about is that I just don’t know you. I want to know you so I can act normal around you, so I can act like a fake boyfriend. The fans know when I’m doing anything off. They can smell lies through the screen. But if we are actually friends then I think we can fool them, especially since they don’t know you so they haven’t learned to tell when you’re lying.” He smiles softly.

You smile back. “Well I’m an open book! Either of you can ask me anything that will make you feel more comfortable with me.”

David and Natalie look at each other then back at me. “Why are you an escort?” David asks nervously.

You smile solemnly at them. “I’m broke, is the short answer. I went to college for marketing but couldn’t get any job after it. I would apply to every PR firm in Boston and the state but nothing ever happened. I didn’t have the connections I should of made in college. My dad died during my junior year so I was super withdrawn during the prime time for internships and networking. When I finally graduated, I was jobless and homeless. I couch surfed for a while and that’s when I started escorting. I was objectively pretty and I needed money. It was definitely dark at first because I was so desperate for money that I did every job I was offered. When I finally got enough money, I got a tiny studio in Boston, was able to get a shitty deli job, and survive off only doing not sketchy escort gigs every once in a while. This escort job gives me the time to apply and try and catch up on the things I missed out on to further my career. So here I am, pretending to be your fake girlfriend for a job but also the whole social media thing intrigued me. Thought it could help me learn from experience about PR and stuff. Just thought I’d be up front about that.” You finally finish, sighing a long sigh, and looking over their faces. You could tell they were sympathetic but there was no pity in their eyes. You were grateful. “Oh god, enough about my sob story. The real question is, are there actually ghosts that love only Natalie in this house? Because I think that may be a deal breaker.” You say sarcastically.

They both laugh. Natalie nudges you lightly. “You really did do your research.”

The rest of the night is spent getting to know each other. You learn all about them. How they grew up together. David’s start in the social media space. Natalie moving to LA to be his assistant. The empire he has built for himself. In turn they ask you all about yourself. Living in Boston, your family, college, high school, ex boyfriends, your best friend, and your opinions on the most random stuff. That’s definitely something you and David connected on, going on random tangents about the wonders of the universe. You didn’t think anyone else thought like that but here he was. 

It was nearing 3AM and you all needed sleep. They told you they had some plans to film at a friend's house the next day. You left the living room, into your room, excited for the next day. You felt connected to Natalie, David, and even the other vlog squad members in a way you couldn’t explain. It felt like you connected a puzzle piece correctly to the puzzle that is your life. It has been a long time since you felt that way. You drifted off to sleep with a smile on your face.

You woke up to no alarm, just the sound of chatter in the living room. You woke up and got ready for the day. As you walked into the living room you see Natalie talking on the phone, you wave, and make your way over to the kitchen. As you look through the fridge Natalie walks up behind you and says, “Hey, don’t worry about breakfast. I just postmated a bunch off breakfast stuff from IHOP.” You smile, going over to sit at the kitchen island, “sounds great, thank you Nat.”

When the postmates comes in and it set up on the kitchen island is when David decides to come out of his bedroom to eat everything. It’s nice and comfortable eating with them. Some light witty banter, lots of shoving food into mouths by David, and just pure ease as you all eat. The second we finish eating, David wipes his mouth with his sleeve, and says, “Okay! You ready to go” Looking at both Natalie and you. Slightly startled you just nod and within seconds you are in his Tesla riding somewhere. His camera settled in the car so all three of you are shown. You came to the conclusion last night that if a camera was on and near you that you had to play the part. This was your first go, and you were ready to embrace this job for what it was, so you looked at David and smiled sweetly with a look of love for the camera to see. This was the official first day of being David Dobrik’s real fake girlfriend.

-

Tags: If you want to be tagged let me know... @duh-dobrik @live-awkward @roxyedobrik @duhdobrik 

[jawnjendes]

you lost a part of your existence | shawn mendes

...in the war against yourself

chapter 9/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: i hope this is as angsty as yall wanted. i read this way too many times to make sure its good n stuff. i hope it rly is. pls pls let me know what u think. blease.

masterlist | playlist

August 9

She never wanted him to stay asleep so bad in her life.

Shawn had an unexpected early start to the day. He got a call from his boss at six in the morning and had to deliver some massive flower arrangements to a wedding venue, even though he had the day off due to the birthday shenanigans that happened the night before. Still, he went and came back around noon, when Annalise was up and running. Shawn went down for a nap in the room, even more exhausted than normal.

Annalise was already on the couch, trying to enjoy her day off. She really didn’t want to catch up on the sleep she missed from helping Shawn through his nightmares all night. She knew she would have to stay awake now, knowing that he was inevitably going to fall into the dark place again. Annalise decided to catch up with Bella Santiago and her strange white background on YouTube. Naturally, remaining still on the couch for an extended period of time caused her to doze off.

Two things woke her up some time later. The first was a deep, uncomfortable pit in her stomach that really wanted to get out. She felt it in her throat, and she wiggled her toes to keep it at bay. Her mind began to race like it was second nature; What did I eat? What didn’t I eat? Did I have too much food last night or not enough? Do I have to cut pasta out of my diet now? Did I forget to eat with my birth control? Am I gonna vomit blood? Am I gonna end up in the hospital and have even more surgery? Am I gonna survive this?

The other thing was a distressed sound coming from the bedroom. Annalise tightly gripped the hem of her t-shirt, willing herself to not be sick on the couch. Every one of her senses were amped up in this state, so hearing short, little screams every few seconds only agitated her more. Why did this have to happen now?

“I’ll be just fine,” she whispered as she slowly moved to get up from the couch. “I’ll be just fine…”

Another yell came from the room, and she was not fine at all. As soon as she was on her feet, Annalise felt her stomach flip, and then she was running into the bedroom, where the closest bathroom was. Didn’t even look at Shawn’s convulsing body. Just went straight to the bathroom and slammed the door. She made it to the toilet in time, holding her hand over her still fragile incisions.

The real kicker? She heaved and retched and sobbed, but nothing came out. The horrid sensation of vomiting kept coming, but nothing was being ejected from her body. Annalise shook her head between upchucks, tears staining her cheeks. Why was this still happening?

Shawn woke up due to the loud slam, but his mind and body were still in the nightmare zone. His forehead was beaded with cold sweat, and his jaw was chattering uncontrollably. He could hear his own breathing directly in his ears, like some creepy form of ASMR. Not knowing what else to do, Shawn repeatedly smacked his cheeks like he was still trying to wake himself up. That awful retching could still be heard, his dreams were never this vivid. I’m safe. I’m alive. She’s safe. She’s alive.

Suddenly, he sat up, eyes frantically scanning the room. Who the hell is vomiting so loud? It's really fucking sunny today.

He wiped the sweat off his brow and then rubbed at his arms, wanting to jump out of his skin. He wanted this to be over already. He wanted to breathe again.

“Ann?” he called softly, his voice shaking. “Help me…”

Just as he said those words, he wanted to swallow them. Panicked as he was, Shawn was finally able to figure out that the vomiting sounds were from Ann. He scrambled out of bed and went to the bathroom door, anxiously jiggling the knob. It was locked, and it only sent another shot of fear through his chest. Not to mention, the vomiting sounds had stopped, and it was quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time.

“A-Ann?” Don’t do this, she needs you. “Ann, please…” Chill out, man.

Breathing short, Shawn slid down to his knees, leaning against the door. Tears blurred his vision as he stared at the crack at the bottom of the door. He saw a flash of blood seeping out of there from his dreams, and he punched the wall next to the doorway. He tried to find his way back to earth. He breathed the way the therapist told him to, he whispered the calming mantras, he pinched the pressure point in his hand. No matter what he did, he couldn’t shake this god awful feeling.

“Please, please…” he cried, weakly banging on the door. “Can’t breathe… Help me…”

Little did he know, Annalise was sitting on the other side of the door, knees to her chest. Now that she wasn’t distracted by her own shitty digestive tract, her mind spiraled even more. She knew she had to pull herself together long enough to help Shawn, but it never felt so impossible. How could she comfort him when she was the one who caused all this emotional turmoil? How could she break him and put him back together at the same time?

“I’m a strong lady, I’m a strong lady, I’m a strong lady,” she whispered between soft little sobs.

Why is this still happening to me? I want it to be over.

Present day.

Annalise felt an uncomfortable chill go down her spine as she recalled that afternoon. To think the following day, she proposed the idea of the separation. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, she didn’t know it was going to blow up in her face like this.

She kept scrolling through Instagram as she sat on the floor in the corridor, just outside Shawn’s apartment. She looked at all the pictures and stories from his gig, and noticed how much he was glowing. When he was on stage, he was completely in his element. You wouldn’t be able to tell all the crap his girlfriend dumped on him.

It was almost midnight, and Shawn had told her he would be back by eleven thirty. This is what she gets for trusting men, she sits outside their homes looking fucking stupid. Annalise sighed and picked herself up off the floor just as she heard the staircase door open at the end of the corridor. It’s always right before she decides to leave.

Shawn was surprised to see her as he walked down the hall. He set down his guitar case when he reached the door, giving her a look. “You’re here.”

“I’ve been here for half an hour,” she told him, turning her phone over in her hand repeatedly.

“Sorry.” He pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. “Come on.”

The tension heightened tenfold as they entered the spacious apartment. Even when Shawn set his case aside to pick up Henry the cat from the kitchen counter, it never faltered. They went into the living room, where Shawn placed Henry on the giant cat condo in the corner by the screen door. That was new.

“You know I’m always honest with you,” he spoke, though he kept his back to Annalise, who had taken a seat on the couch.

“Yeah…” she trailed off, her stomach in knots. She watched him scratch Henry’s chin, wondering what the fuck was about to happen.

Shawn finally turned to her and sat on the other end of the L shaped couch. “So, you should know Alessia hit on me-”

“I know,” Annalise said coldly as she folded her arms. “I found out from her.”

Unfazed by the attitude, he continued. “No, I mean, she did it again a couple of days ago. And to be very real with you - apart from the gig I just performed - it was the highlight of my week.”

It was like being sucker punched with a frying pan. She had her mouth open like she wanted to say something, but everything she wanted to say was getting mushed up in one big angry ball.

“Now, before you freak out,” Shawn went on, “I’m telling you this so you know what exactly this separation is doing, and how bad I want it to end. I know we’re not broken up, and I will stay faithful to you, but I feel like I’m single.”

“That’s how you tell me you wanna be with me? By telling me you liked someone else’s flirting?” Annalise asked in disbelief. “So you don’t want me, you want someone.”

“I want you, Ann. And I want nothing more than to go back to the way we were.”

“You said you’re always honest.”

“I am. I don’t want to break up, but I don’t know if you feel the same way. How long more are you gonna keep this up? Everyone and their mother are fucking tired of this separation thing! I’m tired of the two week check ins, and I’m tired of wondering what you’re going to do next!”

Annalise scoffed. “You can’t still want to be with me knowing there’s other girls who want you.”

“It’s only one, Ann.”

“But you liked her advances.”

“Because the girl I love is pushing me away!” he snapped, now irritated.

She glared at him. Was that supposed to be charming? Was that supposed to reel her back in? Annalise sat up in her seat and leaned towards him. “A guy hit on me too, and you know what I did? I broke his fucking nose.”

Shawn put his hands up, confused. “You want me to break Alessia’s nose?”

“No, but I will if she-”

“Okay, okay! You’re going too far now.”

There was a pause. Annalise took a breath to cool herself down, but she still felt like she needed to yell. There was something on the tip of her tongue that she needed to talk about. She tried to remember, but the rumbling in her stomach made itself known.

Shawn noticed the sound and tilted his head. It threw him off so much he lost the angry tone. “Are… are you hungry?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replied. “It’s after midnight, I can’t eat anyway.”

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked her.

“That’s not what we’re talking about right now.”

“You know you can’t be skipping meals.”

“Stop!” Annalise snapped, her throat suddenly tight and burning. “Don’t worry about me. Don’t scare yourself like that.”

Shawn gave her a look. Then he scooted a cushion closer. “I’m not scared.” When the silence threatened to persist, he asked, “Are you?”

Now she remembered what she wanted to talk about. She changed the subject. “You told Alessia about my health problems.”

The silence came back. Shawn looked down, trying to find the words to say. “If you heard the conversation we were having, you would understand why-”

“No,” she said firmly. “I could understand if it was just the hospital stay, but you told her everything. You told her about my anxiety with food, and you told her my calming mantra, and she threw it back in my face that night at the bar.”

“Okay, I didn’t know she would do that. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“You weren’t supposed to say anything to begin with! That wasn’t your thing to tell! I thought I could trust you, but you tell her my business and you let her stick around even though she clearly has feelings for you. How am I supposed to trust you?”

Shawn sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. He knew she had a point, but he was still frustrated. “I’m sorry I told Alessia, but she’s not a bad person. She had a lot to drink that night, I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

Needless to say, it didn't do any good. Annalise felt herself go red in the face. “Why are you still defending her? Do you have feelings for her?”

“No!”

“So why have you been so quiet this week? You haven’t texted me at all.”

He chuckled, clearly annoyed. “Now you care about that?”

“Answer the question,” she deadpanned.

Shawn scooted a little closer and sighed. “You never answered my texts to begin with, so I stopped sending them. No use talking to a wall.”

That stung a little.

“So you do like her?” she asked.

“I told you no! How do you - Why -” Shawn cut himself off, rubbing his temples. He was really reaching his limit here.

And so was Annalise. “She hits on you, and brags about it to me. Even when I’m nice enough to give her my bed, she leaves so I don’t see her in the morning. That sounds like someone who’s hiding something!”

“Ann, she was embarrassed because she had too much to drink! Why do you always think everyone’s out to get you?” Shawn asked. Nearly there.

“She’s not out to get me, she clearly wants you! I’ve given her plenty of chances! I defended her in gaming club! I dragged her drunk ass back to campus! And then she goes and continues to flirt with you like she’s won you over! Did you even tell her to back off?”

“Of course I did!”

“You’re a liar!”

“And you’re fucking crazy!”

It was a split second of relief, allowing his pent up anger to truly seep out. But Shawn knew he said the wrong thing as soon as that second was over. He had never seen tears well up in her eyes so fast before. He wanted to take it back as soon as it came out, but Annalise was already standing up.

She decided, yeah, she is crazy. She didn’t choose it. She wasn’t always this way, but it’s how she is now. Her eyes looked down at the floor as the last words rang in her head. Heavy tears streamed down her face, but she didn’t even try to hide it.

Shawn stood up as well, much slower, watching her carefully. “Honey-”

“Don’t!” Annalise raised her voice. Her head shot up, a crazed look in her eyes. “You do not get to call me that! He doesn’t get to call me that, and she doesn’t-” She paused, her voice breaking.

“I’m sorry-” Shawn tried to say.

“That’s all I am to you, right? I’m just some crazy chick you’re seeing, huh?" Her eyes were furious, but so, so sad at the same time.

“No, of course not. It just slipped out, I-”

“If you let it slip, then you were thinking about it! You think I’m crazy too!”

“Ann, please…” Shawn reached his hand out, but she took a step back.

“I’ll break your nose too if I have to.”

"I didn't mean it!" he tried again. "I didn't… Ann, I'm so sorry!"

She shook her head as she went for the door. However, when she opened it, she was face to face with Stella and Camila. The two girls had matching smiles that quickly faded upon seeing a teary-eyed Annalise. She pushed past them and fled the vicinity before anyone could even blink.

The two girls looked back, watching Annalise go, and then they turn to Shawn, who looked quite defeated.

Shawn forgot why Stella and Camila were here, and he really didn't care anymore. He made quick strides to follow Ann, but the girls blocked the doorway.

"What did you do?" Stella harshly asked. "Why was Ann crying?"

"Stay calm," Camila said, rubbing her shoulder. "Seriously though, what happened?"

Shawn was still staring out the door, hoping Ann would come back. Forget how pissed off he was this last week, he needed to make this right. He never intended to make her cry and run away. "I don't have time to explain-"

"If you made her cry," Stella said, "she's not gonna fucking talk to you. So you better tell us what you fucking did."

"We're here to help," Camila reassured.

Shawn ran his fingers through his hair, pacing back towards the living room, and the girls followed. Henry jumped down from the condo and walked between his legs, leaving little tufts of orange fur on his jeans.

"Oh my god, he does have a cat," Stella mumbled. Then she spoke directly to Shawn. "You got about five minutes before my allergies start acting up."

"And another five before Brian and Connor get here with the masses," Camila added. "So you better get talking."

They all took a seat on the couch. Too many things have happened in this room. Shawn took a deep breath.

"It's like she wants me to be cheating on her," he said. "She'll pull something out of thin air and use it to prove something that's not even happening!"

Camila tilted her head. "That's… that's just crazy."

"She was irrational?" Stella asked. Her harsh and defensive demeanor seemed to change.

"That's the word I should have used," Shawn glumly replied. "I told her she was crazy, and that's when she left."

"Well, I'm sure she said things she didn't mean, too. Just let her simmer down," Camila told him.

Stella was frowning, still in thought. Surely the wife/roommate had to have some insight on this fuckery.

"Anything you wanna add?" Shawn asked her. "Because I really don't know what to do now. I've never seen her so angry before, I didn't think she could be set off like that."

"Okay so," she began, sitting on the edge of her seat, "I know I don't talk about her business, because she doesn't want me to-"

"So it's not just me!" Shawn interrupted. "Why does she do that, it's so frustrating! I want people to know who my girlfriend is but she makes it so hard!"

Stella raised an eyebrow. "She makes it hard because people are really goddamn nosy. The way she dresses alone causes strangers to ask really invasive questions, not to mention she is - or was - is... linked to the most popular guy on campus and that's given her attention she never wanted. Imagine if they knew she was on Prozac, which brings me to the theory I was going to make before I was interrupted."

"Sorry," Shawn mumbled.

"Like I was saying, it's her business, but her mental health is important. I could be wrong, but she might be off her meds."

The other two only stared. Could this really be the only explanation?

"How do you know?" Camila asked.

"I don't. But I always hear her pill bottle rattling in the morning," Stella explained. "And now that I think about it, I don't remember the last time I heard it."

"Is there a way you can find out?" Shawn asked. "Can you ask her?"

Stella chuckled in disbelief. "You really think she would answer honestly?"

"What about searching her room?" Camila suggested. "Like, when she's not there."

"Ooh, please?" Shawn put his hands together, looking at Stella. "I need to know if that's why she's so pissed at me!"

She gave him a look. "Dude, she's genuinely angry at you. I mean, you called her crazy. Why the hell would you do that? Besides, it's not that I'm worried about."

Shawn was about to ask to elaborate, but there was a knock on the door followed by several voices out in the corridor.

"I'll make it fast," Stella said. "You two should be close because of the hospital thing, but instead she's pushing you away. She's not excited for Halloween, I'm gonna have to force her into a costume. She skipped game club, and I haven't seen her do any school work lately. And I'm willing to be she's not doing so well at work either.  The last time she was like this, she was going through that break up with that asshole Luca, and I know you're nothing like that guy."

______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @yourdeflightfullyleft @shawmndes @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @someoneunimportantxx

[rockinthebeastmode]

Night Shift

A/N: I planned on making this first part longer but decided to cut it here as a nice lil intro. Things ramp up a bit in the next one (well a lot actually) but I offer this as a taste before the real shit starts 😏😁 Hope you enjoy and lemme know whatcha think--I’m curious of any theories yall can come up with before I blow them all outta the water 😂 *this gets a bit dark, mentions of self-harm etc so viewer discretion and all that jazz

You can find the rest of my fics here.

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Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the tag list and if I missed anyone :)

Night Shift

Rae leant forward onto the counter and stifled a yawn, frowning as she glanced at the clock.

4:03am...Fucking hell.

Normally, she’d be in a snakebite induced slumber, completely dead to the world. Being conscious at this hour was like a living nightmare.

She was used to working days--thrived on them, really. Day shift was easy. It was busy and like Hell on earth sometimes but no one noticed her disappearances to the backroom throughout her shift. She’d mastered the sneak away, quick sip and a mint and everyone was none the wiser.

We all have our vices.

This was the first night of many for her, at least for the next several weeks. The night shift manager went into labor and Rae was the only one available (and desperate) for the job.

She’d initially thought it’d be simple. Just keep an eye on the place and serve whoever wanders in. How busy could a chippy be after hours?

When she’d arrived at 10pm, rowdy college kids and drunken randos filled the place and she was instantly thrust into chaos. Things had started to calm down around 3 and she’d cleared and restocked the tables, finally free to sit around and wait for 6am to roll around. The only saving grace now was her trusty flask hidden under her skirt.

Rae stretched and glanced over the place before stepping towards the backroom. The bell above the door chimed and her eyes closed as she bit back a groan. She turned and pasted a smile on as a man slipped inside, his head low and hands in pocket. He looked up and met her eyes and she gasped slightly as she took in his face.

He was bloodied up, deep purple bruises over his eye and cheek, framed with a hastily stitched cut over his brow. He remained silent as he approached the counter and sat down across from her.

“Decaf coffee, love,” he said, shrugging his leather jacket off and shaking out his fringe without sparing her a glance.

“Didn’t your mum teach you any manners?” Rae snapped, the man’s head shooting up at her tone. His lip curled into a smirk and he raised a brow.

“Naw, ‘fraid not,” he started, his nose wrinkling, “and unless you’ve got a Ouija board hiding under that little skirt of yours, it’s gonna stay that way.”

Rae fell silent and bit her cheek with a nod.

“Decaf coffee...coming right up.”

He watched her turn away with a mumbled ‘Cheers’ before holding up a spoon and checking his reflection over. She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she entered the kitchen and retrieved a mug. Her mouth twisted to the side as she reached for the non-decaf coffee and filled the mug before bringing it back to the floor. She dropped it in front of him with a loud clink, a hand going to her hip as he held a lighter to a rollie.

“Oi, there’s no smoking in here,” she asserted. He took a deep drag, squinting at her through the smoke.

“Since when?” Rae’s eyes widened and she scoffed.

“Since always. This isn’t a bloody pub.”

His eyes narrowed and he took another drag before ashing into a glass dish on the counter, his lips quirking at Rae’s indignant gasp.

“Why’s there an ashtray then?”

“S’not an ashtray, dickhead,” she groused, waving a hand to mint filled dishes throughout. He blew his smoke to the side and stubbed out the smoke in the dish before raising his hands.

“Well, my sincerest apologies…” he began, glancing down at her nametag, his eyes lingering on her chest a beat too long, “Rae.”

“Anything else, sir,” she grated out, her jaw clenching. He smiled and she internally rolled her eyes as she felt her stomach flip. He was fit as but he was doing her head in.

“It’s Finn,” he said before taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing as he added sugar, “Y’sure this is decaf?”

“Of course,” she said hastily as she took a step back, “Yell if you need anything.”

She sighed roughly as she reached the backroom, lifting her skirt and taking the flask from its hold against her thigh. She licked her lips as she lifted it, the sharp scent of vodka eliciting a smile.

“Rae?”

She cursed, Finn’s voice stopping her. She shakily closed it and dropped it to her apron as she walked back out. His brow furrowed as he looked her over, pausing at her waist.

“D’ya always drink on the job?”

Rae met Finn’s eyes in a deadpan stare and shook her head.

“Dunno what you’re talking about,” she retorted, crossing her arms, “You need something?”

“Where’s Sharon? She’s usually on this shift, yeah?” he asked, leaning back in his seat.

“She’s having the baby.”

“Ah, fair enough.”

Rae’s tongue ran over her teeth and she raised her brows at him.

“She’s married, y’know.”

“I had no idea,” he jeered before half-shrugging, “You think that’d stop me?” At Rae’s dirty look, he bit back a smile and continued, “I’m joking.” He lifted the mug to his mouth, Rae’s eyes rolling. She looked at the clock and sighed. At least making small talk would pass the time.

“What brings you in so late anyways?” she asked, waving a hand at his face, “Fight with the wife?”

Finn huffed a laugh and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’m not married,” he said, a cheeky grin forming a moment later, “Lucky for you.”

“And why’s that?” she laughed, unable to stop her smile. He leaned closer and bit his lip.

“You don’t feel it, girl?” Rae looked at him blankly and he went on, eyes dancing, “There’s a fire between us.” Rae frowned, her nose scrunching at him.

“It’s a Babylon Zoo song--”

“I know what song it is, thanks,” she snorted. He smiled as he looked her over.

“I’ve never seen you in here before.”

“Usually work days,” she yawned, her hand covering her mouth. Finn watched as it lowered and she clasped her hands. He nodded to her apron.

“Secret’s safe with me,” he offered, Rae’s brow lowering. He mimed a drink and she cleared her throat slightly.

“I don’t understand--”

“You’re shaking. Go ahead.” He looked pointedly at her clasped hands and she bit her lip roughly before lifting the flask from her apron.

“Cheers, Finley,” she sneered before taking a swig, the bitter drink burning down her throat deliciously. She held the flask out to him and he shook his head as he stood and pulled his jacket on.

“I don’t drink. Thanks for the brew.” He dropped a bill to the counter and shot her a smile, “Laters, Rae.”

She had barely opened her mouth to say goodbye when he turned to leave. He cleared the door just as she looked down and saw the 100 printed on the bill.

***

Rae blew out a sigh as she closed her front door, falling back against it and closing her eyes. What a night.

Not bad overall, which was surprising. She’d expected to be miserably bored the entire time but the bloke who came in towards the end redeemed the night.

Finn...who the fuck was he?

Stamford wasn’t exactly a metropolis so she wondered how she’d never crossed paths with him before. She guessed he was around her age but he did have a bit of a young face...underneath all the blood.

She half hoped she’d see him again, to have a second chance to riddle him out. His injuries were concerning but he didn’t seem dangerous...more like he held his own.

And the money…

Rae didn’t plan on keeping it. She didn’t feel deserving of it, given her immediate rudeness. Not to mention the coffee switch. She smirked, the thought of Finn laying wide awake at 6am countering his cheek.

“Chloe?”

Silence met her call and she couldn’t help but frown as she dropped her bag to the side and shuffled deeper into the flat.

No doubt Chloe would be over at her knobhead boyfriend Ian’s place. He was an older, insufferable dealer who fucked around all day with his lowlife mates and pushed Chloe around. Rae couldn’t hope to warn her off of him--they’d been on and off since college and she was completely smitten with the fucker.

She wouldn’t mind being alone if it wasn’t so goddamn quiet.

At that, she went to her record player and dropped the needle, I Wanna Be Adored flowing from the speakers. Her hips moved to the familiar beat as she walked to the kitchen. As exhausted as she was, she knew she needed a nice brew before bed, preferably with a shot of bourbon. All she wanted to do was sleep long and hard. Speaking of…

She bit her lip as she put the kettle on, contemplating calling her long-time mate Liam for a morning quickie to take the edge off. It’d been awhile but she knew he’d be up for work soon, if not at that moment. He wasn’t the best (in bed or otherwise) but he’d do in a pinch.

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head, fixing herself a cup before pouring a sizable amount of bourbon in and stirring it. At the first sip, her eyes closed and she relaxed, a slight smile forming. She stood at the counter, leaning against it as she drank.

The record continued in the other room but the flat still seemed too quiet, too dormant for her sanity. It felt different in here, almost wrong. She wasn’t sleeping or getting ready for a morning shift. It was going on 7am and she felt wired and restless despite her fatigue. She wished Chloe was here, if only for the comfort of her presence in the flat.

Standing there, she could only think of how things hadn’t changed much. Here she was, in her kitchen, trying to ignore her mind practically screaming that she was alone and always would be. No mum, no best mate, no buffer from the intrusive thoughts that seemed to creep up everytime she let her guard down in the slightest.

Over her mug, she eyed the number scribbled on a slip of paper stuck to the fridge. She’d stopped therapy years ago but Kester had insisted she take his number, if she ever changed her mind or needed him.

Rae had held back thus far, dealing with everything in her own self-destructive way. But drinking was ultimately better than cutting, right? Alcohol killed the pain and doubt easier than any knife had--along with the simplicity of aftercare. Sleep it off, drink some water, clean up any mess. No blood, no ache, no problem.

Kester wouldn’t agree with her methods but he’d already proven his own dysfunction when she’d found him passed out on the bathroom floor at sixteen. She’d never forget that...the realization that no matter how put together or distinguished or fucking qualified you were, life was still a bitch that kicked you down and out. Nothing ever changed. Nothing ever got better.

Her gaze shifted from the number to the knife block beside the stovetop and she squeezed her eyes shut, finished off her tea and went for the phone.

***

Night two began with much of the same craziness as the first but she was a step ahead this time, prepared for the initial rush. By the time early morning rolled around, she was pleasantly tipsy and all smiles when Finn slipped through the door again. He returned her smile with raised brows and she looked him over as he sat at the counter and took off his jacket.

His face was all cleaned up, the bruises over his eye and cheek already starting to lighten, and his brow properly stitched. Without the mess of blood, she noticed his freckles standing out over his nose and cheeks and the sharp cut of his jaw with the slight shading of stubble.

Without a word, she slid the 100 pound note to him, an amused, if not a bit impressed, smirk forming on his lips.

“I can’t take this,” she said simply, Finn pursing his lips with a nod.

“Fair enough,” he replied before his smirk widened, “It was a pretty big tip for non-decaf.”

Rae blushed and she cleared her throat, quickly shifting gears.

“What brings you back then?” He shrugged and stretched through a yawn.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered and she took a second look at him, noting his reddened eyes and the bags under them, “Reckoned I’d take a walk, tire myself out.”

“That doesn’t explain you coming here,” she noted. His head tilted and he scrunched his nose at her.

“I thought maybe your sparkling conversation would knock me out right quick.” Her lips parted with a small scoff and he bit back a smile, “You seem different... happier.”

Rae didn’t think it was a good idea to tell a virtual stranger the reason for her good mood was a stiff drink and a shag so she settled for waving it off and leaning onto the counter.

“What’ll it be, Finley?”

“Well, as I’ve got work in,” he paused to check his watch, “two hours, I suppose I’ll take a coffee,” he finished with a wink, “Non-decaf, love.”

[rqs902]

qcyn ep 10 aka an episode that really made me happy!! but also really made me miss season 1..........

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG WU CHENGZE AND CHEN SIJIAN AND XU FANGZHOU OMGOMGOMG IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!!!!! OMGOMGOMG THAT BOTTOM ROW AHHHH I WAS SO SURE THAT CHENGZE WASNT GONNA MAKE IT BUT OMGOMOGMOG YESSS AND THANK GOODNESS SIJIAN OMGGGG YESSSHSHSHS AHHHHHH 

phew thank goodness lin mo made it tho, now i feel like there’s not much left for me to do cept wait for this show to end bc im pretty sure thats as far as he’ll get, and im so so relieved he made it to the top 20 thats all i was asking for, i just wanted him to be able to participate in every stage. so now im just excited for when he gets out what mr tyger will do!

man iqiyi really skipping even 14-19 man..... 

wowowowow long lost xixi spirit of the knght footage that we never got to see T__T

LOOOOL LONGHAN THE POOR CHILD HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HIS INTERACTIONS WITH YIXING ARE GOLD

awwwww huaiwei’s feeble “are yall not gonna clap” was so sad... but also i was kinda expecting his fall with the 2 vote restriction bc huaiwei is hilariously fun and everyone likes him, but hes not as much bias material.... lol shi zhan awkwardly stuck between two crying people lol

HAHAHAHHA CHEN SIJIAN ‘why cant we just talk to each other’s face to face’ HAHHAHAHA I LOVE HIM 一點都不說唱 HAHAHHAAH

lol zhenning exposing shi mingze is the content im here for! mingming is the cutest bub omg 

LOL WTF IS THIS THIS EDITING IS SO EXTRA HAAHAH

wow a rare zhan yu teardrop mole sighting!!

lol how much u wanna bet it was rigged that the first one was for wenhan from yangyang

aw huaiwei and yueyue....... ok but is he really telling them that they shouldnt go to the hospital if they get third degree burns?? bc as a future healthcare professional im gonna to strongly disagree on that one........ please take care of yourselves and your health first.........

HAHAHHAA I LOVE XIXI AND JUNJIE’S FRIENDSHIP HAHAHAH the fact that sijian was like “lol its junjie” as soon as xixi got called out ....oh my goodness this is the sweetest thing oh my goodness 

aw zhenning being so caring towards wang zhe.... but luckily wang zhe did really well in maze :) 

i hope we get to see more of these letters in the extra clips.... im waiting for jia yi’s letter to lin mo ;_; i see that mr tyger group hug ahhh also was that lin mo that wenxuan was hugging at the end bc their friendship is really aw too

OH MY GOODNESS IS THAT SUN ZELIN IN A CF/?!?!?!! OMGGGGG MY CHILDDD HAHAHHAHAH OMGGGGG YESSSSS CHEN SIJIAN TOO!!!! WOWWOWOOW AMAZING!!

aw junjie looking for happy for his friends even tho he likely wont make it this round.....

aw shi mingze and zhenning aww look at zhenning rising to the top, he really became people’s one pick after retreat huh hahaha 

man this might sound kinda mean (im really not trying to be) but what are the chances jia yi will keep falling and fall out of top 9 so mr tyger can continue as 5.... LOL im sorry i love the child but tbh i dont think being in top 9 will be worth his time as much as being reunited with his favorite geges......

aw poor mingming so nervous.... reminds me of quanzhe from last season that one time iqiyi kept panning to him during elims....

i wonder why there’s a bunch of them missing from the special class / the charity activity this time..... are they all in the hospital again???? like lin mo, jia yi, wenhan.... would zhan yu be with them to watch over lin mo and jia yi? 

lol why does bo yuan know the maze choreo, did he learn it in like 30 seconds?? gu landi with his saxophone!!!!!!!!!!!

ok can we pls talk about how ymm is in such disbelief that he went up so much?? i really hope this helps him gain more confidence....... AND OMG HIS SMILEEE 

omg chen youwei bringing up yi xiao.... aw this just makes me think of when youwei kept chanting jin fan’s name during the first elims.... and now wang yi and li yuzhi are left watching from below..... omgosh wu chengze is crying so hard.... do you think its bc his bff sun zelin ranked beside him last time but this time..... he’s not gonna be able to continue with him? (omg im just thinking about how sun zelin talked about chengze high-fiving him and going out of his way to wish him good night every night before bed... their friendship is...... so important......) honestly im gonna miss sun zelin and his silly humor and his adorable personality... he recognized he wasnt as skilled but he still tried really hard and dreamed big and im proud of how far he made it! 

wait i have a question, if ymm has this many solo stans then who else were they voting for with their second vote if not wen yechen??? MINGMING’S SMILE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS OH MY GOODNESS omg cutting to a crying shi mingze their friendship is so important MINGMING YOU DESERVE THIS 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA YAO MINGMING KEEPING IT REAL HAHAHHAHAHAA SO REAL IM CRYING HAHAHAHAHAHA BO YUAN’S FACE HAHAHA AND THEN YIXING HAHAHHA

wow waiting for them to announce who ranked #1 is just as suspenseful as it was on “all for one” -- aka not suspenseful at all........... ITS WENHAN OK WE GET IT NO ONE THINKS ITS GUAN YUE IM SORRY

lol i just looked up bo yuan’s birthday and hes like 9 months older than lin mo but now that hes eliminated does this make lin mo the oldest trainee on the show..... 

omgosh im gonna miss the sound of feng junjie’s voice screaming

omgosh zhan yu helping lin mo lift his box out aw!! aw zhan yu and jia yi working together.... aww them all working together

aw zhenning and shi zhan friendship!!!! LOL THIS IS SO CRINGE HAHAHHAHAHA wow i just realized the S symbol reminds me of a sadder looking yoyo class symbol from “all for one” lolololl 

ooo at least we’ll get another junjie ep of YAA!!!! and sun zelin too!!! SHI MINGZE YOYO POWERS/??!!? omg reminds me of bi wenjun ;_; i miss our yoyo prince ;_; omg they reused the puffy suits from last season LOOOLLLL wait but im sorry xixi i cant look at that colorful one without thinking of lou zibo ahhhhhhhhh I MISS ZIBO TOO and qian zhenghao in the tiny alien one omg that was such a iconic moment!!!!! and qin fen in the overblown monster one ahhhh I MISS SEASON ONE IM SORRY I FEEL LIKE ITS LATE ENOUGH IN THIS SEASON THAT I CAN SAY THIS WITHOUT FEELING LIKE IM BEING BIASED BUT SEASON ONE WAS BETTER ---- but i still love many of the kids from this season, its not their fault this season has just been generally more frustrating and less focused on all of their friendships. but season one just seemed generally more enjoyable, fun and lighthearted, yet emotional in a positive manner

LOL theyre all so obviously reading off a script this is pretty funny WHY IS HANYU SO CREEPY HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA 

FENG JUNJIE 28 NOOOOO ahhh i thought shi mingze would make it too........ man wang yi 38?? i thought he’d be higher.... man chen sijian’s literally the only rap line trainee left wtf............ wow wang jiayi really dropped so much throughout this show.... 

wait i wanna hear the full version of shi mingze’s speech, i feel like he mightve said more about his friendship with mingming... i guess now that i think about it, mingze having ranked rather high last time was rather impressive considering iqiyi hasnt given him much time to shine......

ooof ok im kinda hoping 20 will be gu landi or shao haofan bc their vocals really would’ve earned it. omgosh gu landi asking chen tao if he can sit next to him ahhhh so cute

im yao chi praying for gu landi... but i feel like its gonna be chen tao bc freaking wenhan’s “gwi ze” LOL

yep

not surprised

man the audience be sleeping on gu landi’s talent..... 

omg this is my new favorite friendship omg gu landi is so supportive towards yao chi im crying.... 

lol they keep saying the top 9 is 換血 but literally i feel like the only new person is zhenning...???? 

OH MYGGODNESS DID THEY JSUST CALL FENG JUNJIE IM SSHAKINGN!!! MASD;ALSKD;LAKSD;LK;LS;AKLDK YEASSSSSSSS!!!!!SKJSALDKJSALKYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THANK YOU THANK YOU THAKN YOU OH MY GOODNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IM SO PSODKALSKDJLAKJDSLK DSALKJSALASD IM IN DISBELIEFASLDKJALK IM LITERALLY CRYING SO HARDR IGHT NWOWWWW AHHHH OMGOMOGMG THIS IS THE BEST NEWS IVE HEARD ALL DAY OMGGGJGGGGGAHHHHHHHHH THNAK GOODNESS AHHHHHHH LAKJSDLAKSDLKL HE CAN STAY WITH XIXI TILL THE END THANK GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS IM SHAKINGG 

hahhahahahhaha fjj: i didnt imagine i would be picked by the old men... yixing: i can tell :)  LOOOOL JUNJIE YOUR FACEE HHAHHAHAHAHA

wow today is a such good day wow feng junjie made it wow im so grateful wow this is a great day wow life is great isnt it 

ahhh im wu chengze chanting wu zelin sun zelin wu zelin sun zelin 

aw lin mo and wenxuan are really so close....

just dont say wenhan LOL

lol the old men really like zhou shiyuan so im not surprised... he does deserve it tho!

oo good for haofan! 

honestly they prob made sure the old men didnt pick yechen, zhan yu or bo yuan again... sadly..... but also sad they didnt notice gu landi....... omgosh look at zhan yu pumping his fists in the air even tho he knows its over... this is his “pretending to be mature gege” side, trying to appear positive for his bros... i wanna see lin mo and jia yi’s full thank you speeches and see if they mention his again T_T

WANG JIAYI TELLING HUAIWEI ITS OK TO NOT BE STRONG IS SO IMPORTANT. ahhh hes really a caring friend

oh gosh seeing the top 20 choosing their final songs makes me think back to last season and im getting freaking mack daddy flashbacks and im shuddering in fear LOL “ITS OKAY” WAS AND STILL IS THE SUPERIOR SONG IM SORRY ITS JUST A FACT

LOL THEY TEXT THEM!??! on the bright side, this just reminded me that top 35 will still get to be in ep 11 so yayyy we get another zhan yu stage!!!!!!

lol this earth ad is even more cringey.................. the ending credits.... i see lin yuzhi! and xixi got a cool shot :D im surprised lin mo didnt get any shots haha and that they didnt show mr tyger at all during the hugging portion at the end but oh well i guess..... 

tbh this was a minimal lin mo exposure ep but its ok, im still grateful that he got a few random closeups (which is more than i can say for some of the others) and now that hes safely in top 20 i honestly think my work here is done LOL. there’s not much more lin mo fans can do for him. theyve gotten him onto all the stages and i dont think any amount of work will get him into top 9... and ive said before i dont even really want him in top 9 bc id rather he stay with mr tyger and help them stay relevant bc theyll need his help to do so, especially since jia yi will probably make top 9. 

(from here is where i go into a rant about season 1 vs season 2.... LOL)

lets be honest, ranking 16 is too low for lin mo to make it lol....... last season the only kid who made top 9 who wasnt already in top 9 by ep 10 was yanjun... and yanjun had been on a steep upward trend leading up to the last ep (lin mo went from 17 to 16... theres minimal momentum there lol) and then bi wenjun going from 12 to 10 was the other surprise. xikan going from 18 to 13 was impressive, but he still wasnt one of the contenders for the 9th spot. i think at the end it was bu fan, qian zhenghao, bi wenjun and you zhangjing right? out of those 4, the lowest ranked in ep 10 was bi wenjun at 12..... so going from 16 up to 9 would be really really unlikely, unless lin mo somehow makes an even greater impression on the audience during the mentor collab stage than yanjun did last year.... which i think will be impossible bc literally the entire audience fell in love with yanjun during the “zero” performance in last season’s ep 11 lol it was crazyyyy.... but anyway i think ive reminisced about last season enough this rant.... can you tell i really miss it? honestly ive tried to stay as positive as i could throughout watching qcyn and i gave iqiyi the benefit of the doubt from the beginning that “oh maybe it just doesnt seem as great as the first season bc we havent gotten to know the kids yet, the show’s just started, we’ll learn to love it later” ---- but we’re on ep 10 now and i just.......... i still dont think i got to know the kids as well as i did last season and its not their fault, theyre not any less lovable kids (some of them i really like!!! more than some of the kids from last season!) but this season’s editing is really just disappointing. i really miss last season and it was honestly so much more enjoyable to watch..... i thought about this the other day, if lin mo had been eliminated during the last round, would i still be watching this show? and i thought about it and i honestly think i would... because i really like some of the other kids like mingming, junjie, xixi, jia yi, guan yue, chen sijian, etc. but i really dont think id be as eager to stay up to date with it. ive fallen behind on yaa and dont even look forward to watching fanafan anymore bc lin mo hasnt been on any of those (no, i dont count the yaa ep he literally only got 1 second of screentime in) these side shows are fun, but not as fun as fanafan from last season. they feature the same kids over and over again (literally yuehua trio was the ONLY kids on fanafan 2 weeks ago and then they were 1/3 of the ep last week too??? and hmm how come there are kids who have been on yaa multiple times yet there are also kids who have never been on it at all???? that’s just so unfair.....) without fanafan from last season, would you zhangjing have made it into top 9?? fanafan was the medium thru which he really showed us how hilarious and fun and lovable and sweet and sassy he was (whereas on the actual show he showed us his true, undeniable talent) and im just here wondering, if qcyn’s fanafan had featured ye ziming half as much as they had featured you zhangjing or his partner in crime yanjun (who both ended up making top 9), would he have at least made top 35? or how about chen sijian and wu zelin? or feng junjie?? or su yuhang?? where would they be now? why hasnt lin mo been on fanafan at all??? if given the chance, would people actually be appreciating zhan yu’s hilariously weird and crazy personality that we NEVER got to see?? sigh.......... 

OKAY WHERE ARE ALL THE EXTRA CLIPS IMMA FIND YALL