#kinda tired of getting really close to people only for thme to betray my trust like! i dont think yall understand. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

snekdood · 2 years

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Whats pretty frustrating for me is that i know theres people who think of my preferences as like. Super unrealistic or something... as if i dont already know that. like.

The whole point is that im literally so scared of getting with other people that if they arent like the person i want to be with in my head, i dont trust them. It has nothing really to do with how "attractive" they are, rather, i self isolated for a while in highschool, realized that my base emotional feelings towards others was mistrust, and decided at that time it was impossible to find trustworthy people so I instead decided to go inwards and essentially "make up" people that i could trust. Because part of me really REALLY doesnt want to believe this is a cold heartless world where you cant trust anyone, I then would try instead to find these people externally. I know its not realitisc but I still havent met someone outside of my characters who I feel like I can fully trust.

#and now even especially after that abusive relationship #where someone knew this and then decided to betray me anyways #not giving an inch of a fuck how my trust is effected or how the rest of my life will be #like they essentially sealed for me that i cant trust anyone ever again and the only people i can trust is my ocs.#ive yet to be proven otherwise.#mood #so yeah. me being like 'ur not good enough for me lol 😜' is me coping with the fact that i dont feel like anyone is good enough to trust.#and ig my effort to socially shame people into trying to be trustworthy enough to be with me if they want it that bad lol #probably not a good thing but i also dont want to get hurt anymore !#kinda tired of getting really close to people only for thme to betray my trust like! i dont think yall understand.#i retreated into myself for years bc of csa. i finally open myself up back to the world. find someone who PRETENDS ro be everything i want #and everything i can trust in a person. literally told this person so much about myself. so much more than ibe told literally any other #physical person. i got so extremely vulnerable eith this person like with no one before. only for them to do a 180 and sexually abuse me #also. and yall expect me to walk awya from this situation unscathed and unbothered and i just need to let myself fall in love with like #anyone and everyone 🤪 when theyve essentially sealed the fate of me never being able to trust another external person ever again.#and then yall wonder why i wanna burn the earth over.

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