#and then theres me :) depressed and disabled and i dont think i could ever work a job anymore | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jamesdazell · 5 years ago

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Happy New Year 2020

Happy New Year. I hope this year brings more love and less hate. More peace and less pain. More kindness and less jealousy. More self-love and less comparison. A time to embrace new beginnings and wave goodbye to toxic times.

I posted one thing to Instagram last year. I had a really productive year and it was so full of growth in every important way to me. You cant Instagram that. It's something within you. You dont photograph it; you recognise it by a change of behaviour and outlook. Everything else in a year to year comparison is acquisition, age, or a change of scenery. I'm more excited and fulfilled by the experiences of personal growth and major changes of perspective than a drive for success in a career reshaping myself after the ideal habits and image that would more undo me than make me. I have no interest in a success wherein at the end of the journey I wouldn’t know myself, nor enjoy the company I shared. Success at all costs, is not very interesting. At the moment, if I were a successful writer by exactly what I wish to do.. who would I sit with when I got there? No. I won’t become published. There is more to success than pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and rolling up your sleeves. That’s a straight white male Christian’s romantic rhetoric. who gave themselves a free passport to show up anywhere and set up an imitation of success back in Europe. Nothing betrays the reality of white male priveledge like success and failure as an act of one's own will or quality of mind. In reality, there are circumstances and situations to take in to account. Success in the end is a kind of assimiliation; a manner of fitting in, and imitating the model of success. One finds the same thing succeeds in the same place time and time again, with subtle novelty to make it seem new. But on deeper analysis, there are places where certain achievements never occur at all, even in the richest conditions, because it wasn’t the nature of the place; it's not to their particular temprament or personal contstitution. One is successful because they lend power to already existing success. They are useful to power or that which desires it.

My existence fulfills me, more than the world’s idea. Life and all its difficulties and lessons, learning how to become a better and a more contented me. In a way my life is a series of finding ways of preserving myself and not being shaped after the pressures of life or adapting after the world's image and excitement, because I've always known who I am and what I'm about. But it does become hard to preserve and to affirm oneself in the ever changing world with its innovations that change the very farbic of society. There is always a need to find my defensive and offensive strategies to preserve and affirm myself in the face of the world. And my interests and passions - though this may be true of everybody - are ways of retaining, maintaining, and developing the best parts of myself, without giving them up for popular fads that rise and fall. Learning about myself, the world, and what everything is really about. Finding my own drama, meaning, goals, and adventure of life on my own terms, out of my own experiences, not those shoved into me from media and social pressure. How could I Instagram that. The moment I post a moment I am happy with is the moment I doubt my happiness and put my memory up for public validation. No. I validate myself and I validate my own experiences and memorable moments. I dont need to know how much something is likeable: I have liked it. I dont need to know how agreeable a thought is: I have thought it. I dont need to know how achieved an act is: I have done it. I dont need to know how good this is: I am proud of it.

I envy the blind person who has no use for the narcissism of Instagram, is spared of the passive agressive anxiety and pessimism on Twitter, and still appreciates life for all the things truly worth appreciating. Whose appreciation for life cannot be photographed, and does not know the dopamine addiction for a validation 'like' counter to compensate their low self-esteem. Social media is a petri dish for narcissism. And every woke person is a basket case with the same narcissistic anxiety as everyone else on it hoping to be validated and gain followers for their wokeness. Narcissists crave validation. Disable them by disengaging. Narcissists are made not born. They are overindulged in validation and underindulged in emtional connection. They dont reflect. They socialise to have conversations about their problems in order to be forgiven and receive consoling kind words about themselves, and pretend they dealt with it. Because all narcissists want is validation. And it’s the epidemic of our time.

Our self-impression of ourselves we upload onto (anti-)social media, is not nearly as interesting and attractive, as the details, humour, idiosyncracies we are unaware of, because it's not interesting when we try to impress - especially by such superficial things, most of which aren't even things to do with ourselves, but places we arrive to and things we acquire. Images of ourselves without context, a macroscopic gaze devoid of the energy and life of its context: namely, existence. All the things that make up the rest of the picture that a healthy perception takes into account. It rubs away so much of a human being that they are left little more than a skin surface. It makes us into journalists of our own lives (except not reviewers), and advertisers of everything we don't need.

I understand I could use social media to gain success in my aims, but I dont want to become what that entails in the process nor want a success that would depend on other people being on these platforms to grant me it. Work hard and succeed quietly, making your work your achievement. Do good deeds in silence. Don't do it to then post on social media because you still need the excess validation. Do it because it was a good thing to do. Absolving your mistakes by your own conscience is the long road round of not caring about that you made them all. If its not forgiveness by a change of behaviour, or attitude then nothing has been learned and nothing changed.

Dont just travel to places. Make memories there. Theres nothing impressive about boarding a commercial plane and showing up where it lands. What else was expected. If there was no growth or contribution there, were you even there. Just passing through like an invisible wind. Lifestyles are for people with no real meaning in their life. It's a way to fill the void of daily meaninglessnes that they have to stylise their life. It used to be that there were things unnecessary to buy. Now it is things unnecessary to know. You must know? What for? Knowledge without purpose is decadence. Keep to your lane. If it's youre job to know, then know and do your job. One voice of reason well articulated can silence a room of idiots. Thats how the world works. On social media, the idiots gain ascendancy by liking each others idiocy 10k skyward. Power is reversed online.

Once you no longer care for the validation and public reception, and once you realise that politically social media is ineffectual to substantial change - snce it's effectively a right wing publishing model with every ounce of sense falling off the algorithm - it's just watching the world go to hell one post at a time. And that to thrive on it is to assimilate with its ideal: a narcissist. A juvenile superficial arena of naval gazing dopamine addicts. Everything else on it is somewhere between a complaint box, click bait, and ‘food-food advertising.’ Then there feels no point to it regarding your health and self-esteem. Filling your mind, your eyes, with things which were not present a moment ago, which may have stirred and disturbed you for a much longer time. It's made by and for narcissists to peak dopamine hits.

Dopamine acts as a neurotransmitter made by different parts of the brain that is part of our evolutionary chemicals that gave us the drive to do things that were positive for our survival. The chemical that made our brain drive us to eat when hungry, find warmth and shelter when cold, to reproduce our genes to survive, now that same reward chemical in the brain floods in excess. Your brain wants the dopamine not the thing. Its the motivation chemical. We need it. We evolved by it. It keeps us positive by controlling memory, focus, attention, motivation. Without can cause lack of focus, restlessness and irritability, erractic impulsive bodily movement, and indecision. And prologned deficiency due to the excess of it swell and depletion it, cause stress, anxiety, depression to ensue.

We live in a dopamine driven culture. We sell this idea that drugs are enhancing. Drugs are not enhancing at all. It's evident that no feeling of reward from alcohol, smoking, cocaine, heroin, cannabis, meth, other pain relief and psychoactive drugs, etc is giving you anything that your body wasnt already giving you, and if anything those substances only reduce the same chemical that is desired to attain by one using them. And naturally this deficiency therefore leads to dependency and addiction, because the person thinks these substances are where they got them and how they got a boost of them. When actually they use them up and it takes a couple of weeks to restore to normal regulation which is why people go back to substances, then bulld up a tolerance and need more. Tolerance is actually your body's natural adaptation trying to regulate your body to new circumstances. Tolerance isn’t you handling the substance more. It’s a natural adaptive response that the body undergoes to re-regulate, to counter-act the effect of alcohol and drugs. Your body thinks it’s sick and adapts to the change. That’s why you get drunk faster if you drink less frequently than if you drink regularly long-term. It’s like resetting the zero point on weighing scales manually. So, a drinker will need more to tip the tolerance, because your body reset ‘a-lot-more-alcohol’ to the new zero point. The reason a person gets drunk less quickly after drinking regularly is because the body reduces its GABA inhibitiors and increases the exciters, because the effect of the alochol had been increasing the GABA inhibitiors and reducing the exciters. But the alcoholic wants the GABA inhibitors because the dopamine has now associated it with the reward chemical, and so drink more to tip the balance in favour of the GABA inhibitors because they get the “good feeling.”All which the body would have given you anyway. Whats more, is that its the same of one-click online shopping, advertising, high sugar food and drink, high carbs, junk food, binge watching TV, image scrolling sites, porn, dating apps, and social media. As well as anything that increases stress, because it depletes dopamine, which results in further stress, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, depression. Our cultural lifestyle is dopamine addiction. But it’s effect is the reverse. It’s self-depricating and makes us less ambitious because dopamine is needed for motivation. The only thing that adds extra boost of reward chemical of dopamine, endogenous opioid, serotonin, and endogenous cannabinoid, is by eating healthy food, getting sufficient sleep, and getting regular and intense aerobic exercise, and some stretching/strength building. The healthier we are, the more powerful and stronger we feel, the motivated and ambitious we are, the more daring and inspired, the happier and more tolerant of things that would otherwise stress. We are a better human being for it. Big business exploiting our evolutionary chemicals to keep us addicted to unnecessary lifestyles, media, and products. And because it takes a week or more to replenish naturally, an addiction cycle to quick fix substances occur. It used to be that a person should just not do drugs, but now its a whole lifestyle that should be avoided.

Our most legal drugs are the worst. Alochol and cigarettes have more death related incidents than illegal substances. 5 minutes of doing nothing is better for your brain than 5 minutes of social media. You improve your brain and subsequently your body, having the same feel good pain relieving chemicals that are desired, and subsequently the power over your environment and subsequently your life by doing nothing, compared to engaging with most of culture available.

Here is a video explaining drug addiction and dopamine (same applies to carbs, sugar, fast food, junk food, and other quick fix dopamine reward high)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxHNxmJv2bQ&t=2s

The reason is people want the inhibitors. Even though its not giving them anything that their body wouldnt give for free. Its wiring the brain to respond to stress, suffering, and pain. Drugs alleviate pressure. But whether for pleasure or for stress, it’s a response to a situation. It’s not the danger of drugs that matter to me. It's a mental health issue. But your body gives you what it needs, and drives you to get what it needs. If you would only allow it to do its job. You want to make life lighter. But in reality all real things are heavy. The pressure of life ought to stimulate a response that demands more health and more strength. The body wants to give you more health and strength. The very feeling of struggle in life, psychological feeling, and at times physical strife, is your body signalling to you that you need a higher health and strength. In strife, the body fights or flight. In other words, innately decides if it behaves decadently or towards health; existentially or ecstatically. The proper reaction to pressure is to be stronger, the reaction to signals of low moods is be healthier, the reaction to de-motivation is to eat dopamine increasing foods, get exercise, sunshine, and sleep; the proper reaction to insecurity is do something daring that would require confidence. “To have strength, one must first need it” Nietzsche. It’s a resilience and strength of mind that has to be trained. Drugs don’t alleviate depression, they perpetuate it, by never solving the problem. They decrease the feel good chemical in the brain that would have pulled the person out of depression. That’s what rehab centres are really doing, they are taking the person out of the habits that are disrupting the body’s natural chemical regulation. The body has to rewire itself to desire healthier habits, feel good, and motivation. The pressures of life are life demanding you to be more and you have to go meet it. That's just the game of being a functioning human being.

You are getting the feel good drugs all the time. You are actually depleating your body of things which it thinks it wants. You get those chemical in such a surge that they create deficiency. You think its an uplifting buzz. You're getting a buzz from things that wont improve your life when your body is trying to give those chemical to you to motivate you for things that will. Knowledge is not power. Health is power.

Drugs just block stuff. It doesnt give. It just blocks so that your body supplies more of what it already has because it thinks it cant provide. This deprives people of realising the native vigour of their human potential. Whats needed to realise the ecstatic nature of a human being has always been Great Health. There are however obvious remedies, none of which define post modern culture if you bring them all together. Getting plenty of sleep, exercise, sunshine, socialise better, have healthier and uplifting hobbies, read, draw, learn an instrument, learn often, eating certain dopamine increasing foods, less carbs, less meat, less sugar, less coffee, less alcohol etc less of everything that is post-modern American culture. Read more, great things, with charisma and intelligence, with depth and meaning, things beautifully written and timeless. Listen to music that reaches into you and excites as much as it calms, a catharsis of emotion that needed to be recognised and explored. Visual art that belongs to great times, and not artists who think their pain is worth your attention. A culture that brings out the best of you. The best mind. The best health. The best company to be around. The best aspirations for yourself. The best diet and lifestyle. It’s an interesting time because it feels to go with the flow is the worst thing to do, not only boring, but bad health. And to experiment with exploring your own direction is essential. Find yourself in your own culture you invent. Design your own culture. Experiment with everything and explore what brings out you the most at your best.

Our genetic code is like a piano. It has all the notes laid out. But it makes proteins, and it decides which to make based on responses to situations and experiences, that is epigenetics. So it's like your genetic code is a piano, all the available notes laid out, and epigenetics is like the music being played on it. Choosing which of the available notes to use when in response to situations and experiences. We live by the piano made by generations of our ancestors. Each one of us trying to play new beautiful music to pass on.

Foods that help increase dopamine are fish for omega 3, oregano and oregano oils, probiotic foods that help absorb amino acids to make dopamine, green tea (as it helps electrical signals to move around the brain), tumeric (easy way is to add it to rice or pasta) which lowers inflammation in the brain allowing for more dopamine release, high magnesium foods like pumpkin, beetroot, spinach (this also helps for good sleep), blueberries, everyday vegetables like broccoli, tomatoes, garlic, asparagus. Plus good for boosting serotonin are walnuts pistachios, lactose free milk. For both, have avocados, and eggs.

This is not to denounce hedonism and Epicureanism. On the contrary give me all the Saturnalia Lupercalia Bacchanal you like, the more ecstatic culture the better. Music and dance are the only arts of the twentieth century that got anywhere toward the ancient ecstatic culture. And because it looked beyond European tradition to world cultures, on other continents like Africa and Asia. But this trans-Altantic post-Modern culture is just decadent self deprecation. Naturally, spawned by Christian cultures, which favoured transcendence from everything bodily. And has always had an aversion to power and strength. which the body is trying to supply but we keep kicking it away for cheap fixes. Principle causes for a love of Minoan-Mycenean-Greco-Roman cultures, utterly in contradiction to Abrahamic faiths. Not Ancient and Modern. Polytheism versus Monotheism as a whole frame of mind. Ecstatic versus Existential. Greco-Roman vs Abrahamism. I don’t want to get rid of Abrahamism, but there are much better alternatives healthier mind and body, from which emanates a whole culture and art, indeed, civilizations.

There was a recent study of the healthiest countries in the world with the obvious result that the Mediterranean (listing Spain and Italy first and second) and Japan as the healthiest cultures. Of course, the traditions of their culture are entirely health driven. "a Mediterranean-style diet, which has been shown to reduce cardiovascular events, mostly stroke, compared with a Western diet. A Mediterranean diet includes generous quantities of olive oil, fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and fish; limited portions of red meats or processed meats; and moderate amounts of cheese and wine." explains Dr. Ron Blankstein, a cardiovascular imaging specialist and preventive cardiologist at Harvard-Harvard-affiliated Brigham and Women's Hospital.

Post-war America created post-modern society and the PR/advertising industry. Post-modernism, not only a juvenile variation of modernism, but a hijack of evolutionary biology. Everything innate to our nature stimulated into an excessive overkill, exploited in order to get us hooked on unnecessary media, lifestyles, and products. To be healthy is to be unAmerican, to be unPost-Modern. Everything introduced is psychologically detrimental. Walk around and try to find a place that isn’t junk food, gambling, alcohol, shopping, coffee.

The more capitol cities are the epicentre of post-modern culture as we 'move forward' into regression, I am lured away to less notable locations, that have been spared and still retain some health without artificial substance abuse just to keep afloat. Cities now brim full of juvenile yuppie narcissistic kidults on finance living like they’re still at university, and cultural funding dwindling as we’ve regressed back into the 1980s yuppie culture that made all the baby boomers rich. You can almost map the baby boomer life with the creation of post-modernism. The PR industry, nicotine, plastics, sugar, the colour television, LSD, ketamine, the 60s in their teens, the 70s love-in in their twenties, the 80s wealthy cocaine yuppies in their thirties, repackaging their youth to kids in the 90s, and ever since, and the masterplan that has been the 21st century of white nationalism they were raised on in their earliest memories in the 1950s. And what is “progressive” today is only what was progressive in the 60s almost as a left-wing conservativism because things have moved so far-right,

But it has become clear (as big business, big tech, fossil, and right wing gain ever more ascendency) that our knowing is ineffectual and only depresses us. "We absorb so much information that we've lost our common sense" Gertrude Stein once said. Politics has become worse since the advent of social media, not better. We don’t know more, but find those comments that argue our own opinion for us. People buy books, go to the theatre, to hear about things they already believe. Armchair activists are not as effectual as they think. And hardworking Foundations and Charities still exist. The richest of the rich only take care of things that concern them, and believe if the poor suffer enough they'll take care of themselves. The detriment of engaging with the platform, outweighs the good intentions of using it. And consequences are always more important than intentions. It's not important to know, if prudence and profoundness are lacking.

My life has its own universe, and social media inhibits that to the degree that I cannot see the situation of my own universe enough to do enough about it for its own sake. My existence is it's own universe. Make your world your passion. Better to do whatever makes you feel empowered and proactive and take care of your lane as much as you can. The more you listen to the news the more you live after it. You react to whats todays news and tomorrows and the next, forgetting your own personal power. Be disruptive as a child that is full of energy and aim not living after the world but their own happiness. The world must always find its arrangement. Where people find where they belong. Not fitting in to any success at all costs, but knowing who you are and what you are about and finding an environment which stimulates enriches their potential. What a life needs to thrive is not social comparison, but a mirror to reflect ourselves. that we enjoy ourselves, to make the positive changes necessary, and to be present within our own existence, with our own circumstances, working within its own sphere of influence.

Be the light and goodness in your own knowable and experiential world. Avoiding unnecessary information entering your mind that really serves no purpose but to inform you of things others are doing, or have, that is far beyond your sphere of influence, that wouldn't have entered your mind at all if you had not taken out your phone.

There is a real luxury: Living without concern for the conversation on social media and the news. Being present in your own existence. Not thinking about every corner of the globe, but what you can do where you are. Feeling your own life and being present within it, positively effecting things around and within your physical proximity.

🧘‍♀️🧘‍♂️🚶🏽‍♂️🚶‍♀️

#happynewyear newyearnewme socialmedia detox rehab dopamine cleanse purify feelgood health narcissist narcissistic power

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robin-hood-for-freedom · 8 years ago

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I know this is old, and I actually did it a while back. But I ran across it on Youtube recently, and I thought it was one of the more interesting/useful tests for privilege since it actually takes into account people’s experiences, rather than just declaring it based on what ‘groups’ they are in. So I’m going to actually do what I should have done before and actually go through it an explain my answers.

I am white:

Right off the bat, Yep. Kind of hard to deny that.

I have never been discriminated against because of my skin color:

Story time: I had a job interview at a BBQ joint. In fact one of the best in town. The owner was black, as were most of the other employees. When I met with the owner the first words out of his mouth were ‘So, what does a white boy like you know about bbq?’ I didnt get the job.

Granted I cant definitively prove that his not hiring me was because i was white. But lets reverse the roles here. Suppose that a black man interviewed a white restaurant owner, and the very first words out of the owners mouth were ‘So what does a black guy like you know about italian food?’ I think we can all agree theres a bit of racism at play here.

All of that is a very long winded way to say yes, I have.

I have never been the only person of my race in a room

I sure have, multiple times.

I have never been mocked for my accent:

I sure as fuck have. When my dad first got out of the army I got mocked for having a ‘military’ accent(no, nobody called it that, but thats why), although I’v mostly lost that, I still get comments every time I talk to someone from outside of the northern Indiana/Michigian/Chicago area.

It probably doesnt help that I have an absurdly high voice for a man.

I have been told I’m attractive ‘for my race:’

Cant say I have

I have never been the victim of violence because of my race:

Nope

I have never been called a racial slur:

I have if you count ‘cracker’ and ‘mayo’ which I do.

I have never been told I ‘sound white’

I have, but does it really count considering I AM white?

A stranger has never asked to touch my hair, or asked if it was real:

No, thats never happened to me.

I am heterosexual:

Yea, I guess.

I have never lied about my sexuality

Cant say I have

I have never had to ‘come out’

No I have not.

I have never doubted my parents acceptance of my sexuality:

My parents dont give a fuck.

I have never been called a ‘fag’

I have actually, and in real life, not just by edgy internet trolls.

I have never been called a ‘dyke.’

Nope, never have.

I have never been called a ‘fairy’ or other derogatory term for homosexuals

I’m assuming we’re not counting ‘fag?’ What about ‘cocksucker?’ I mean it would seem to refer to homosexuals, but its most often used as a general insult. Does ‘gay’ count if its being used a derogatory manner?

I’m probably overanalysing this,

I have never tried to hide my sexuality:

True I havent.

I am always comfortable with PDA with my partner in public:

Well no, not always. I guess it also depends on how far we are talking too.

I have never pretended to be ‘just friends’ with my significant other:

I have actually. My parents didnt want me dating before I got a car, so when I was 14 I told them I was friends with a girl that I considered my girlfriend.

I know thats probably not what the quizmakers had in mind, but fuck it, thats their problem, not mine.

I have never been ostracized by my religion because of my sexuality:

No I have not.

I have never been told I would ‘burn in hell’ for my sexual orientation

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I mean I have been told I would burn in hell for having pre-marital sex. But not simply for being heterosexual.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that doesnt count.

I have never been told my sexuality is ‘just a phase’

Nope, thats never happened to me.

I have never been violently threatened because of my sexuality:

I’v been violently threatened because people thought I was gay(even though I wasnt). I’m gonna count that.

I am a man:

I guess yea? I mean I have a penis...

I feel comfortable with the gender I was born as

I mean I’v never felt uncomfortable with having a penis if thats what you are asking.

I still identify as the gender I was born in:

I guess yea? I mean I’v never really ‘identified’ as a man in any meaningful sense. But I’v also never called myself anything else...

I have never tried to change my gender:

Nope. Cant say I’v ever cared enough to bother.

I make more money than my professional counterparts of a different gender.

I actually dont know any other female doughnut chefs. When I worked as a head chef, the women I knew were making comparable pay to myself. So no.

I have never been denied an opportunity because of my gender:

Not that I’m aware of.

I have never been catcalled:

I have actually. Only once, but still....

I have never been sexually harassed or assaulted:

Sexually harassed, yes.

I have never been raped

No I have not.

I work in a salaried job

Not anymore I dont.

My family and I have never lived below the poverty line

Oh yes we have.

I dont have any student loans:

I dont. But I have to question whether this is really a sign of ‘privilege’ Since the reason I dont isnt because mommy and daddy paid for my schooling(nor could they have), but because I didnt go to a full university, opting instead to go to a local community college. Meaning I took on a lot less student debt.

By this logic, somebody who never went to any higher education is even more privileged than me, since they’ll never have any student debt. And I’m not sure thats entirely accurate

I have never gone to bed hungry

I have, not very often, but yes.

I have never been homeless

I have not.

My parents pay some/all of my bills:

my parents dont pay shit for me.

I dont rely on public transportation:

Yea I have my own car.

I buy new clothes at least once a month:

No. I mean, to be fair, its more out of lazyness/cheapness than inability, but still...

I have never done my taxes myself:

I still do my own taxes, what the fuck you talking about?

I have never felt poor:

Fuck yea I have.

I have never had to worry about making rent:

Sure as hell have, on many, many occasions

I have never worked as a waiter, bartender, barista or salesperson

How the fuck did you miss cashier/customer service in this question? I’v done that, but not any of those other specific jobs.

I’v had unpaid internships:

Nope. Never.

I went to summer camp:

Once.

I went to private school:

nope

I graduated high school

Yep.

I went to an elite college:

Hell no. See my point about student loans above

I graduated college:

Yep.

My parents paid(at least some of) my tuition:

Nope.

I had a car in high school:

For one year, until I wrecked it.

I’v never had a roommate

Does a wife/girlfriend count? probably not.

I’ve always had cable:

I dont have cable now.

I have traveled internationally:

Does living in Germany as part of a military family count? Probably not.

I’v never skipped a meal to save money:

I have. Not very often, but yes.

I dont know what ‘Sallie mae’ is

Isnt this just another way of asking about the student loan thing?

I spent spring breaks abroad:

My spring breaks have always consisted of sleeping in and playing way too many video games.

I have frequent flier miles:

Nope

My parents are heterosexual:

Pretty sure. I mean its always possible that one(or both) of them have just been REALLY deep in the closet or all these years.

my parents are both alive:

Yep

My parents are still married:

I’m assuming you mean to each other. But either way, yes.

I do not any physical disabilities:

I have a rod in my leg where I broke it a few years back. Still gives me pain and causes me to limp. Its not really a big deal, especially compared to say, what my wife has, but I’m gonna count because why hte fuck not?

Also glasses. I cant see shit without them

I dont have any social disabilities:

I mean, I’m EXTREMELY introverted, which can make social interactions difficult for me. I dont know if that counts as a ‘disability.’ Eh, since i counted the last one, I’m not gonna count this one.

I do not have any learning disabilities:

I do not.

I have never had an eating disorder:

I have not.

I have never been depressed:

I’m assuming you mean clinically. You’d have to be some sort of psychopath to have never been depressed in the non-clinical sense. I’v been clinically depressed.

I have never considered suicide:

I have actually. I dont know if I was ever really serious about it. But it has crossed my mind.

I have never attempted suicide:

Thankfully I Have not.

I have never taken medication for my mental health:

cant say I have.

I can afford medication when/if I need it:

I have insurance that helps. Theres no way in hell I could afford it without insurance.

I have never been told I’m overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I’m overweight all right.

I have never felt overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I know I’m overweight.

I have never been shamed for my body type:

I sure as hell have.

I consider myself to be physically attractive.

I dont really think about it all that much myself. I mean, my wife thinks I’m attractive and thats whats most important to me.

I can afford a therapist.

I honestly have no idea, as I’v never had cause to look into it. I dont think my insurance covers it.

I’v used prescription drugs recreationaly:

Nope, not my thing.

I’ve never had an addiction:

Does caffeine count? I’m gonna say it does.

I have never been shamed for my religious beliefs:

Oh I have. You’d be surprised how much the ‘Jesus kids’ get mocked even in so-called flyover states

I’v never been violent threatened for my religious beliefs:

Do online threats count? who am I kidding of course they do.

I have been violently attacked for my religious beliefs:

Okay, thats never happened

There is a place of worship for my religion in my town:

I went ahead and said yes. But if I’m being honest, there arent any churches that teach the type of theology I’v adopted over the years.

I’v never lied about my ethnicity/religion as self defense:

No, I mean I have lied about them for trolling purposes. But thats not really the same thing.

All my jobs have been accommodating of my religious practices:

Thats one thing that sucks about working resturant business. I have to work every holiday.

I am not nervous in airport security lines

I cant say how I feel in airport security lines. Because I’v never been in one. I didnt count it because the fact that I havent flown indicates to me a lack of privilege.

I have never heard this statement: “ you have been randomly selected for secondary passport control”

I havent. But I’m not really sure thats an indicator of privilege. See my above answer.

I have never been called a terrorist:

Well not personally. But gamers and gamergaters generally have been called terrorists, even worse than Isis. Its actually kind of surprising that nobody has singled me out to be honest.

Nobody has ever tried to ‘save’ me because of my religious beliefs:

I actually have had people preach at me because I wasnt the ‘right kind’ of Christian.

I have never been cyber-bullied for any of my identities:

I have actually

I wasnt bullied as a child for any of my identities:

I was actually

I have never tried to distance myself from any of my identities:

Cant say I’v consciously done so.

I’v never been self-conscious of any of my identities:

I left this one and the next one off because they are too vague for me to give a concrete answer to.

I feel privileged because of the identities I was born with

Cant say I do.

And the final results are:

You live with 46 out of 100 points of privilege.

You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.

#quizvideo

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inadeepanddarkdecember · 8 years ago

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[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.

#meta #fun fact #medical #there are so many little ways his disorder has shaped his life #even if they dont appear too obviously when im writing him in actual threads #suicide mention #thalassemia

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fxikb0ay-blog · 5 years ago

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How much on average does it cost to have a 16 year old A student on my insurance?

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fancycollectionfury-blog1 · 6 years ago

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"state minimum car insurance quotes

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