#and then the news of everything that Tr*mp is doing is becoming so overwhelming

[ingravinoveritas]

I've recently learned that the child psychiatrist who first diagnosed me as being autistic has died at the age of 74. So many emotions are coming to the surface at the moment, emotions that seem augmented by current events and the swath of terror the government is now cutting against anyone who is different.

I remember so clearly sitting in the hallway at the university--the wide, lime green strip painted along the walls and floor, leading to the vending machine, where every appointment was punctuated with a routine can of Coca-Cola. I remember his soft-spoken demeanor, his English accent managing to quiet--even temporarily--the torment and unabated chaos that lived in my mind. I remember his office being a safe place, and him being one of the few people who offered kindness instead of judgment.

Our sessions continued through middle and high school, and he was a constant, calming presence when the world felt like it was falling apart. It frightens me beyond expression that the world feels that way again right now--that we are on this precipice, perilously close to losing all that we have worked for, fought for, to advance society for those of us who are different.

This doctor was one of the people who shaped me, who saw me as an awkward, lonely, autistic little girl and saw the person that I could be. The person I've grown up to be, because he helped me. All I can think to do now is to take those years spent in his office and standing in front of that soda machine and use it to keep fighting, to honor him and the work that he has done for so many autistic people.

Thank you, Dr. Pomeroy. For everything...

[rkrispyt]

I wish I were stronger.

It’s funny, when I was younger I was always praised for my ability to ‘be professional’. Phrases like “you were up all night breaking up with him and sobbing? Wow, I never would have known, you came in here and really left all that at the door” were so commonly said to me.

Then I started at a theatre that immediately saw those walls I put up and made me tear them down. And now, despite all the benefits that come from that change, there are just times I feel so weak because I can’t just shove my emotions aside, put my head down, and plow through whatever needs done.

This TX abortion law has me all kinds of fucked up.

I can’t even bear to pay attention to the news right now with the state of the virus and anti-vaxers and anti-maskers and people taking horse dewormer but claiming science isn’t real or that they know more than doctors cause they saw it on Facebook.

It’s all too much. Much like the 4 years Tr*mp was in office and the 2020 election, I’m finding reality absolutely overwhelming and my anxiety is just through the roof constantly.

On top of that, there’s the stuff in my life directly that’s…less than ideal.

I was told to expect to hear about next steps for this job I’ve been interviewing for by today. There was one more interview and then they’d make a decision. I’ve heard nothing so I’m assuming if anything is coming, it’s just a kind and professional rejection letter. I wanted it so bad. It felt like it would literally change my life in a really wonderful way.

Today at work was just too much. Too many people ignoring the mask mandate. Too many people at the end of the day wearing me down.

I pulled something in my shoulder and the pain of it keeps waking me up around 4am the past 3 nights. I’ve been unable to fall back to sleep and am going on so little rest right now. I’m also almost constantly in pain from my shoulder. It’s starting to really get to me.

I can’t get motivated to get back to eating healthier, despite a fridge full of healthy food I got. Then I get mad at myself for it, which makes it even harder to find the energy. A vicious cycle.

And I’m realizing I don’t have a thing anymore that brings me joy. I try to have at least one small thing in my life every day that will make me smile or laugh or excited. Just a nugget of genuine happiness. Whether it’s a friend I connect with or a good home cooked meal or a new song or tv show or book or even lounging around laughing at Tik Tok.

And today, I just feel nothing. No joy. Just lethargic about everything. And that’s so hard. I don’t want to feel that way about my life. End I try to think of how to change it all but I’m so damn old, it just feels too late for me. Like I should’ve figured this out in my late 20s or early 30s.

I felt such happiness for so long this spring and summer, and I don’t know when this current feeling crept up but I feel like there’s nothing I’m excited about right now. There’s nothing I’m looking forward to going on right now.

It’s the least important thing in the grand scheme of things but all these people are talking like HSMTMTS is about to be officially cancelled and it has become such a comfort show, I’m not ready to say goodbye to it or add another show to my list that I’m forever bitter about. But I just have this bad feeling, like I can’t picture it all being fine and actually being renewed and all this worry and weirdness around it being for nothing. I hope that feeling is wrong, I really really do.

And during all of this I’m just wishing I could remember how that younger version of me could just turn it all off when she needed to and go on with her day and her life.

I don’t even know who or what this post is for. I just…need a good cry. And to not carry all these thoughts around in my brain anymore. Maybe purging them will help?

[medranochav]

2, 6, 15

6. A film you wish you hadn’t watched?

The Beguiled and Steve McQueen's Shame were absolutely cursed movie experiences for me. Saw both at art house venues with limited capacity making the space much more... intimate (this will make sense later)

Initially I was excited for another Sofia Coppola period piece. but that enthusiasm soon dwindled as I learned more abt The Beguiled. early reviews criticized the film for its whitewashing and called attention to Coppola's racist filmography. Critics reported on the white feminist fantasy perpetuated in her movies... a compelling take, considering it premiered the summer of Tr*mps inaugural year.

This iteration of The Beguiled excludes the black characters of the og story and glosses over slavery subject matter entirely despite being set in civil war era virginia. The gag of course, being that I watched the film here, in the confederacy's very own Richmond and among a mostly white audience... to put things in perspective, this was July of 2017 about 70 miles away and a little less than a month from the Unite the Right rally riot.

the movie includes Coppola's signature themes of girlhood precociousness, in this case exhibited thru sexual tension between girls and a grown man. disturbing as it was, these scenes are done so prudently and ultimately feel apropos considering a woman's behind the camera and at the film's helm. The sensitivity with which Coppola handles concepts of feminine sexuality is completely missing when it comes to the historical accuracy of the racial plight or even just black presence in this movie. Coppola's prioritizing of "gender dyanamics" over "racial ones" (those r direct quotes) nullified the film's few successes.

the violence of the film's erasure was echoed by the white man to our right, who incessantly laughed (loudly) during very clearly austere scenes. his reactions felt deliberately aggressive cuz he would cackle only during suggestive scenes featuring the girls/teens. the film's one redeeming quality was Coppola's sensible approach of rare narrative of young feminine passion

I've tried telling this story a lot of times without coming off as a total snowflake but it was a uniquely agonizing experience. my inner child still considers the cinema sacred ground, so that coupled with my own displacement in the south, the film's subject matter and the revisionism with which it was handled.... as well as the state of affairs at the time, contributed to just how badly it felt to sit there. the real gag is most of us in the audience were uncomfortable bur too chickenshit to tell any theater employee abt it.

Shame was a little different. I wish I hadn't had the movie experience that I did, however I love the film. It was beautifully shot and cut, the soundtrack is legendary and it features the only tolerable Carrie Mulligan role I've seen.

so, picture it... xmas break had just begun and I was treating my friend, who was leaving for london the next day, to dinner and a movie. DC was particularly cold that winter.... after a quick bite, we made our way to the theater. The film began, as you probably know, with Fassbender's full frontal junk flopping about. the plot of the film is about sex addiction, so despite explicit imagery, it felt very unsexy. McQueen's pacing is so great in this. it feels like a spiral, you feel the habit perpetuate into a loss of control, you feel the all consuming nature of dependency. to me it was a very painful film that felt so beyond the titillating aspects of it.

well into the first act I notice the man infront of us shaking... I keep my gaze on him out of concern. Turns out he wasn't trembling for no reason... he was masturbating... under the jacket he had swaddled himself with before the film's start. I look over to my friend next to me to confirm that she sees this too. she hadnt, and was intently watching the screen. I was mortified. again feeling very violated and even a lil ashamed for having treated a friend to this experience. i was already apprehensive about the movie's subject matter and this Pee Wee Herman in front of us wasnt helping any.

I tell my friend I'm gonna use the bathroom and run out with the quickness. I find an employee and tell them what's up. she gagged at the news and was so frazzled she dropped all her clip boards and shit. I'm like, idk what to do, but my friend has no idea what's happening and I'd like for her not to find out. I ask this be handled discreetly.

I get back to my seat, to an innocuous scene on screen and Jackie Earle Haley here in the front of us is bundled up under his coat and no longer vibrating vigorously. as the movie continues, I begin to conflate my experiences with the film as both sincere spectator and also violated theater patron. throughout the rest of the screening, a rotation of employees stand at the room's edge parallel to the dude's row. suddenly the jacket came up and off, and miss thing started watching like she really came for the cinematography. ultimately my friend was none the wiser, I gave her a big hug and didnt see her until the next year... when I told her what happened. she appreciated my efforts but felt bad I did so alone.

[parniarazi]

So...2020 has been interesting so far, right? Although I’ve been wanting to transition from sharing content on this blog to creating my own podcast/vlog in 2020, that’s something that I want to be put more time into thoughtfully creating since it’s new territory to me. Having this moment in time to breathe, spend some time at home, and really feel back into myself and my creative side has led me to wanting to still post on this platform. Just some patterns I’ve noticed lately, feelings the current state of the world has brought up, and lessons the universe has sent my way - maybe you’ll relate, take away something valuable, or at least have a little food for thought.

This year started off in a whirlwind with the tr*mp adminstration coming at my home country of Iran- for most people this is an old headline or moment in the news that is long past- but for Iranian Americans that’s a moment we haven’t forgotten. Being scared for the livelihood of our home country and family members who live there is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and seeing the following protests and both social/economic unrest just hurt my heart. The U.S. creates so much instability and pain in other countries and people here just forget about it and move on the next day, politics as usual. They don’t see the lives and people behind the headlines who are actually impacting by inflation and instability in their country - people who are just trying to feed their kids and live a normal life like the rest of us. These issues run deep, but this has weighed on my consciousness and stayed with me since then.

In February, I was reminded of the people who love me and are there for me on a daily basis. I had a lovely 4th year celebrating Valentines with my man, and my parents also showered me with love despite our distance now. I’m glad I’ve struck a good balance with my family - being close and seeing each other often but still having the necessary distance to grow up and make my own decisons wirhout their overbearing influence. I also got to visit my favorite city, spending some time in Austin again and see my favorite cousin/long distance bestie when she came to visit! School and work are overwhelming at times, but I’m more adjusted and handling my anxiety better. This semester seems near-impossible to handle with 2 internships, 2 graduate courses in a new field for me, and 1 job that I don’t particularly like. But it’s life and I gotta push through it!

Miraculously, things start to align after a pretty shitty mercury retrograde season in which I wrecked my car and dealt with a lot of financial stress. Time seems to be moving faster and I’m just trying to get through my days. I’m noticing this pattern of reconnecting with people from my past - from my old to best friend and neighbor from Kansas, to old internet friends and coworkers, there seems to a pattern of rekindling old connections and friendships. It’s really beautiful and I think a natural part of growing up, because it allows us to see what things change or don’t change over time, the poeple we’re still able to connect with, and who’s really meant to be in our life for the long run. It’s an odd feeling to connect with people from the past, but it makes me feel warm and nostalgic (and old, haha). I’m embracing it with a fully open heart, and I know the universe is sending people, old and new, into my life for a reason and it’s all part of my path.

Then this whole crazy cornavrius and public health pandemic start to get serious. Pavel and I are worried as it starts to rapidly spread and becomes the only topic the news is covering. Houston is a particularly dangerous spot, and we soon have to cancel some concerts we’ve had tickets to for months and our festival trip for our 4th year at Buku. I have asthma and Pavel has CF, so we are both at-risk for serious health complications if we come in contact with this virus since due to our pre-existing conditions.

At first, it’s just dealing with a lot of cancelled plans and upcoming trips - which end up being a blessing in disguise for those financial worries I mentioned. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this public health pandemic is not affecting everyone equally. There are people who are losing their jobs because of the economic impact of this global issue, my dad even expresses concern over his job and company as the oil and chemical industry takes a hard hit. This breaks my heart because he’s been through a lay-off and recession before and it was hard on our family. He doesn’t deserve this stress or to have to go through that again. There are people much worse off though, people who work hourly and can’t make a living due to more and more businesses closing and events post-poning or cancelling.

The world is actually a mess - schools are cancelling, grocery stores are empty, and people are struggling to take care of their kids and find adequate healthcare if they are sick. Everything is political and how these situations are handled directly affects everyone, but of course those at the bottom take the hardest hits as always. I’m struggling to make sense of everything, as many others are too. To me, the weaknesses of our democracy are glaringly clear at a time like this, and being old enough to truly understand it from an economic standpoint too makes it even worse. Individualism is at its peak, as people hoard resources and allow panic and ignorance to take over. Lives are being entirely uprooted and changed, people are feeling serious and immediate effects of this scary time. Little to no support is offered to those most vulnerable - those with disabilities who can’t take care of themselves, elderly people, poor people without access to computers/internet or the money to bulk-buy food and necessities.

Yet people in this country are still afraid and think it’s too radical to elect a ‘socialist’ leader? The way other countries have taken care of people, provided food and resources, while middle-class Americans hoard toilet paper...I wish people had the capacity to understand what this reaction/situation is revealing about us. It says a lot about the disconnect between the American mentality and the actual reality of collective conciousness with the world/humanity.

There is a lot to be said and unpacked about this situation - politically, economically, and socially. But above all I can’t stop thinking about what the universe is telling us right now. Despite the luxuries we have and what life in this ‘first world’ country looks like - we are still human and susceptible to the same things that harm people on the other side of the world. We are not exceptional or special - we are just like anyone else, we are human, and anything that is a threat to humanity is a threat to us. Having modern luxuries doesn’t make us better than the rest of the world, it’s our humanity that connects us there is a larger ecosystem that governs us above any government that we need to respect. Disrespecting the earth, other countries, and other people will always come back to us.

With businesses being closed and global tourism coming to a halt, it’s fascinating to see the earth healing - from Italy’s waterways clearing up to America’s cities having clearer air than ever - capitalism truly proves to be the real epidemic to the earth. When the earth suffers and when we act like none of the pain and bad energy in the world will affect us, the universe reminds us we’re just human and we don’t have control over everything. In fact, we have less control over our lives than we even think if an invisible pathogen can uproot our entire everyday life. Lastly, we’re reminded of the importance of technology as something we’re seriously leaning into at a time like this. To keep us connected, keep us productive, and keep us informed, our technology is proving to more valuable than ever and it’s something that will grow as the peope socially distance but virtually come together.

The universe really needed to check us - for me this is such an important and necessary time for people to slow down, reflect, and think about what really matters. Our collective humanity. We have more in common than we do differences, and it’s literally impossible for one person or country to be better than another because we are all human and have the same fundamental needs of food, shelter, and healthcare. Any country that doesn’t provide those basic needs for their people can hardly be considered ‘first world.’ When billionaires retreat to their well-stocked and isolated homes, while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills and put food on the table - what does that say about us? Are we willing to accept and live in a world like this? Does any person really deserve healthcare more than another simply because of their economic status? To me, these things are what’s truly terrifying, not the virus itself but the scary truths it reveals about our society.

Personally, like I said I feel like I’m feeling these things on a deeper level now that I’ve moved out and am more aware of what it means to earn a living and the costs of life. I’m in an extremely privileged position, but I’m using that really consider how this affects different people and what it can teach me for the rest of my life.

1. Saving money is everything. You can work your entire life away and your company will lay you off no matter what you’ve done for them, and if you’re old and in need your government will say ‘sorry buddy good luck!’ Individualism kills, but that’s why getting your money right and having emergency savings is more important than anything else! This has taught me to prioritize having some seriously hefty savings before I book another trip or buy something I don’t actually need. My parents often tell me to not “spend like an American,” buying things I don’t need or simply want but don’t actually have the money for. I used to roll my eyes at this, but actually understanding the economic hardships they’ve lived through and the experiences that shape their views helps me realize the truth behind it. The American middle class is the biggest trap ever and can make you feel secure when you’re actually not unless you seriously save money and have it in multiple places. Capitalism perpeutes an endless cycle of desire and making you feel like you always need more, but when it all goes to shit, what will you have and be left with?

2. We need to slow down and tap into our collective conciousness more than ever. Maybe actually think about what other people are going through rather than centering yourself all the time. Other people exist and matter as much as you do, and your actions affect things and have a chain reaction. Not just right now, but always. Anything that affects another human being or harms someone else affects you, too because we’re all connected more than we realize. Energetically and literally! Humanity is an ecosystem, and when one part is hurting or damaged, it will eventually affect everything. The world is more connected than ever and we have to realize this, no matter how much media/politics tries to pit groups against each other and create divisions, we are all literally the same. And everyone deserves to live, no matter who they are and what resources they do or don’t have. We are all more interconnected and we need each other. People cannot continue acting selfishly and greedily the way they have been - our lives depend on the actions of other people and we need each other. We should really start acting like it.

3. The world literally cannot go on if we keep consuming and producing things the way we are. After this event, more poeple will work and go to school remotely, which is great because it results in less traffic, less pollution, and it’s better for many people with mental health issues or disabilities! But there are still serious considerations we have to make about what it means that the earth is finally getting a chance to breathe since we’re large businesses are shutting down. When it comes to travel, tourism, and economics, climate change is literally at the center of all of those issues. This is a manifestation of the earth having enough of our shit to be honest, and I wish more conversations were happening about that right now. The earth is a part of us and we are a part of it, and when it’s hurting that will catch up to us and hurt us back.

I suppose that’s all I have for now, but like I said there is so much to unpack but many useful conversations to be had around this current issue as we’re starting to see it’s effects on our world. I know that personally I’m at a huge privilege to be safe, healthy, have shelter and food, and be with someone I love right now. I hope by sharing this, I’ll spark some thoughts or simply have them to refer back to in the future when this is all behind us. The situation may pass eventually, but we shouldn’t forget what it’s desperately calling on us to shift our attention to. I’m honestly loving this extra down time, that we unfortunately don’t get enough, to simply be human and enjoy the company of our loved ones, sleeping in, having more time for our hobbies, or even doing nothing, as it’s necessary for humans to do sometimes! I hope this results in a shift in our collective conciousness that is desperately needed, but for me it’s affirming a lot of important things I already knew but needed to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s easy to get overwhelmed right now and there’s a lot of change to adjust to, but the lessons the universe is sending us are invaluable right now and it’s imperative for people to think for themselves and think really critically about what’s happening, both for others and ourselves.