#and then she made us go on multiple long car rides which triggers my anxiety but I tried really hard to be normal

[sscrambledmeggss]

Hot girls get yelled at and called horrible things by their sister, but it’s their sisters birthday so they have to act fine, and say “I’m sorry” over and over again, and smile, because they don’t want to ruin the day, and then comeback home and sob in their room <3

[orangeyougladitsbondage]

Our first scene...

I had met her through some friends and we hit it off instantly. She was so beautiful and I couldn't help but get lost in her eyes as we talked. This talking led to an exchange of phone numbers and the first text from her later that night. The text was nothing special just a simple "Hi this is Megan, really glad to have met you today". I responded that I was glad to have met her too and then we fell into a rhythm of talking via text every few days.

Then one night that texting turned into a phone call and a sly joke about being tied up with work led to an interesting conversation. Megan told me she had always had an interest in kink but was always scared to bring it up with her previous partners. I told her I had slight experience being a Dom but that I was a switch meaning I play both sides of the dynamic. Megan seemed extremely curious and we decided to do a dinner date that Friday.

That day seemed to take forever, I mean don't they always? You get excited for something and then it seems the thing before that event takes forever? You could just sit there and stare at the clock but that just makes time freeze. So I tried to focus on work but it was harder than it should've been to do so. But finally it was time to leave work and I rushed home to get ready.

A quick shower to freshen up, brushing my teeth and then picking out what to wear. I decided on a nice button up with a vest, not too fancy but also not under dressed. My phone went off it was Megan "Hope you aren't planning to skip out on our date now, not gonna get cold feet with it being only an hour away are you?". I responded "Definitely not a chance of that happening, see you soon".

The ride to the restaurant I just played some music that keeps me calm. Dating with anxiety can be hard because the anxiety triggers my overthinking and only leads to bad things. Well not exactly bad things it just leads to me overthinking how things could play out and being scared to do them. So I played a Playlist I made that keeps those thoughts at bay. And before I knew it I had arrived at the restaurant. Now the one thing I've learned is it's always best to be early even if your date isn't just shows what you are there for is important.

Time again slowed as I waited for Megan to arrive. Car after car pulling in and the thoughts of did she get cold feet begin to sink in. Overthinking sucks so much I wish I could get rid of that part of me but alas I can not. Finally I see her walking towards me and it must've put a doofy smile on my face because she just laughed and said "what?". I just said "I am glad you made it" as I opened the door to the restaurant and followed Megan inside. I told the maitre d the name on the reservation for two and they sat us at our table.

A drink and some food later and the conversation finely made its way to kink. I asked Megan what her interests were. She admitted she really liked the bondage aspect, seeing people helpless but smiling. She also really liked the different gags but she had never tried any. I asked Megan if she had any experience with impact play and she told me she had been spanked before but not much else but that she would love to try more. I asked if she had any experience with being submissive or dominant in her past relationships. Megan stated she always seemed to take the submissive role in her eyes but that both roles interest her.

The conversation went back to normal from there just talking about our days and plans for the coming week. The check came and I paid for the meal while Megan covered the tip. I walked her to her car and wished her a safe drive home and I left smiling the entire walk to my car. But that was where our conversation stopped until later that week anyway. Wednesday I get a text that says "so I really enjoyed dinner and our talk and I'd like to explore things further with you".

Now this had me blushing at work do I asked when Megan had free time and we could set something up. Megan told me her weekend was free and I asked about her Friday night. She was free so we decided we would do another date Friday night and if she still wanted to she could follow me home and we could have a scene. But before we do that we had to discuss limits and how we wanted to scene to play out.

So via text we discussed how Megan would like our scene to play out. She said she would like to be bound and I told her I had some cuffs that can help with that as well as some hooks in the ceiling that they can be attached to. She also stated she would like to try some impact play but nothing too crazy this time. I said never anything too crazy your limits determine what we do and how long we do it. I asked if she wanted to try using a gag and she quickly replied yes and I said ok and listed the options I had.

I have a ball gag, a ring gag, bondage tape and well a clothes pin. Megan decided on the ball gag which is always a lovely choice in my opinion but you'll hear more on why soon enough. And then we discussed safewords and signals for when she was gagged. The safewords chosen were the traditional red, yellow, green and for the signal we went with her opening and closing her fist multiple times. I advised we would do a test run before we got into the scene just to make sure we were both on the same page.

The next two days of work went by like a snail and I don't think that is at all surprising. But as the time began to tick down Friday the excitement in me built. Again I drove home and freshened up this time just wearing a button up and the drove to the restaurant for date number two with Megan. Now I know only two dates and you're thinking me and Megan are about to have sex. And to some that may be the point of bondage or bdsm sure but not to me. And if you think back no where in our scene discussion was sex mentioned so that was not on the table for me at all.

So I arrived at the restaurant and this time me being dressed down a bit but Megan did not. Megan arrived in a lovely purple dress that hugged her curves in all the right ways. My gosh I couldn't help but freeze as she got closer and just take in the beauty in front of me. All I could say was wow as I opened the door and followed her in. We ate and as we did I made sure to tell Megan not to rush herself we have all night ahead of us and rushing to eat won't help. I know this from experience as rushing to eat absolutely ruined a scene in which I was the submissive. Take your time let your food settle and don't worry about time I said and smiled.

I think this helped Megan relax as she slowed down and we just had a wonderful dinner and chat. One of those chats about nothing in particular but both parties enjoyed it. I couldn't believe that I was lucky enough to get a second date with her let alone the honor that would be her submission later that night. On this night no drinks were had by me I just wanted a clear head for the nights events which I think is important when I lead a scene. So finally the check came and I asked Megan if she was sure about how she wanted this night to go.

Megan smiled and said I'm very sure and she grabbed the check and quickly handed it back to the waiter with her card. Now that is a simple move but oh I definitely took it as a power move by her. She just had this smirk afterwards that drove me wild. I left the tip and said alright you can either follow me to my place or we can come pick up your car tomorrow your choice. She then decided to follow me home and I thought to myself as the drive began how lucky I was.

The drive felt like forever but it was only maybe 20mins tops. When we got to my place we went over safewords and the safe signal and made sure we were on the same page. Then I brought up aftercare because this is a extremely important piece of the puzzle. I wish I had learned this in a better way but I think our bad moments teach us to be better. Knowing what the other person needs for aftercare is extremely important. And I can say based off experience I will never do another go with the flow scene again. Because it led to me not knowing what a partner needed and them not telling me what they needed but saying I failed.

Hearing from someone you cared about that you failed because you didn't have all the information. That is the worst feeling and one I was not going to repeat with Megan. So Megan being new, she wasn't sure what her aftercare needs were but we agreed on cuddles to start and we would go from there. So I went into my room bringing out cuffs, my ball gag and a length of rope I attached the rope to one of the ceiling hooks. I then sat next to Megan and had her put her hands front of and I secured to cuffs to each wrist. "Now we can do this with your lovely dress on or we can take it off, whichever makes you more comfortable" she smiled and leaned in next to my ear. And with a whisper she said "Oh I am making you take this dress off so you can see whats underneath" and with a giggle she stood in front of me and turned around.

I stood and slowly lowered the zipper on the dress. Then slowly slid the dress down her arms and then down her body. Underneath the dress she was hiding a lovely matching purple lace set. I couldnt help be admire her ass for a moment as I let my hand slide down it. "Wow, you came dressed to impress today didn't you?" I said with a smile as I spun her around after having he step out of her dress. "Well you only get to do your first bondage experience once may as well amaze you the first time right?" She quipped with a smirk.

I giggled and agreed with her as I clipped the cuffs together. "Are you sure this is what you want?" I asked and she confirmed that she did. I walked her over to the hook and had her turn around so I could put the ball gag in her mouth. Once the gag was in place I had her turn around and connected the rope to the cuff chain. "Well look at you all helpless and oh my already drooling" I said with a smile as I wiped up some of the drool leaking down her chin just to show her. She turned a lovely shade of red on her cheeks and I could see the smile in her eyes.

I stood there for a bit just watching her lightly struggle and test the bonds that held her. Now for me I really like gags because they lead to drool which I really enjoy for many reasons. But the other thing I really enjoy about gags is the muffled talking and moans made by the wearer. So as Megan began to struggle I enjoyed watching her slowly drool more and more and the cute little sounds she was making. Watching the drool slowly cause more and more of a shine down her chest.

I went and grabbed my flogger and then turned on the TV. "Well you seem very content there, so I'll let you go about your struggle and see what's on TV." I said and giggled. Megan tried to say you're mean but all that came out was mumbles. "Awwwww you poor thing you have to speak up if you want me to understand you." I started a random show just to make it seem like I wasn't paying attention all the while I kept watching her hands for any signal that she was done or needed to stop.

A few minutes and plenty of drool down her chin later I stop watching TV and walk over to her. "Are you doing ok?" I asked and she nodded and I asked "would you like to do some impact play with this?" As I slid the flogger over her chest. She thought about it for a moment before nodding and mumbling out a "yes please". I start with a few hits watching her to gage her reaction and making sure it's not too much. "Would you like me to do more?" I ask and she nods. This process continues for the next several minutes, me continously asking if she is ok and would like more.

I stop when her butt has the same shade of red as her cheeks did. I quip with a giggle "Awww seems your underwear isn't the only matching set you have now is it?". I untie the cuffs from the rope and then take the cuffs off of her. I then unbuckle the gag and slowly massage her jaw. "Are you ok?" I ask and she says "more than ok that was amazing". I hug her and tell her how proud I am of how she did there and that she took it all so well. I then grab a cup of water and a paper towel.

I hand Megan the cup of water as I slowly clean up the drooly mess she had on her chest. Then I grab a blanket and wrap it around her shoulders. "Would you like cuddles?" I ask and she nods a yes and I lead her to my bedroom. We lay there in my bed for about the next hour and Megan actually drifted off to sleep for about 45 minutes of it. When she awoke I grabbed her a quick snack and some more water. I told her again that I was so proud of how she handled that and asked if any of it was too much. She told me that she felt it was perfect and asked if she could stay the night as it was now 11pm.

I told her that she absolutely could stay and we sat there just talking about how the scene went. She told me that she enjoyed all of it including the impact play and would love to do more in the future. Now it was the next sentence that excited me a bit. Megan turned and smirked at me and said "maybe next time you'll be the one bound and I'll get to make your cheeks match" I began to blush unable to hide the fact that I would absolutely love that and she smiled at me and then kissed my cheek. "I will take these red cheeks as a yes to that then" she said with a smirk as I cuddled her and we both drifted off to sleep.

[goddessofthundathighs]

Happy early birthday to my twin @panthergoddessbast! Always remember that I love you immensely! 😘

—————————————

VI. THREE-HEADED MONSTER

The sexual tension on the ride back to O'Shea's house was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Erik could feel the way her eyes bore into the side of his face, her stare unrelenting. She wanted more, but he still didn't think she deserved it. She was gonna have to work for the dick, no matter how many times her hand brushed against his hardening third leg.

"What are you doing, Ms. Powell?" he asked, his eyes never leaving the road.

"I was a good girl at dinner. I think I deserve a treat."

"You got one in the bathroom, don't be greedy Princess." This made Shea pout, but she was determined to make him break.

"Please Daddy?" she tried again, sliding her perfectly manicured coffin nail up his thigh.

"O'Shea, I said no," he scolded firmly causing her to recoil slightly.

"No?" she inquired, her eyebrow raised in confusion. Being the spoiled Daddy's girl she was, no wasn't a word she was used to hearing. Erik noticed her change in demeanor and decided to exploit the situation.

"Yes, I said no, Bianca. Any other questions?" She huffed loudly, turning her body back to face the windshield.

"First of all, I'm an adult and you will address me as such. You're going to give in eventually. That tent in ya pants will need to be handled somehow."

"I have Skylar for that," he added just to antagonize her further.

"Nice try, but Skylar is a lesbian."

"Skylar is just like you, she doesn't give a fuck who eats her pussy, I'm just the only man she lets do it," he replied with a shit-eating grin. O'Shea remained silent the rest of the ride to her place, not even bothering to give him a look back as she walked up to her door and into the house. He couldn't exactly explain why, but he loved getting her riled up the way he had. He loved seeing the fire in her eyes when she was angry at him. It made his dick even harder and the dormant beast within him began to come to life.

Let me have a taste, the beast growled.

"Soon, big fella. Soon," he told himself. Little did O'Shea know he had his own Bennie, and Killmonger was an expert brat tamer.

--

"Why in the fuck would you tell her that? She should've punched your ass," Skylar fussed from her seat behind Erik's desk. She was on the computer, her long nails tittering away on the keyboard as she worked on an informative pamphlet for her own clients.

"The three major components of the cognitive-behavioral approach are: (a) replacement of sexual anxiety with sexual comfort; (b) adopting positive sexual attitudes and learning sexual skills; and (c) a program of individually designed sexual exercises to be done between therapy sessions. The goal of this therapy is to develop a comfortable, functional, and satisfying sexual style... How does that sound," she asked aloud.

"Like you copied and pasted it from a generic article but it serves its purpose and describes what we do. I might just change the name of the practice to mine and steal your pamphlets."

"I don't think so," Skylar mumbled printing multiple pamphlets before ejecting her drive.

"You couldn't do that in your office?" Erik teased watching her lips purse in indignation.

"I could've but I was already here," she replied, taking a sip from her caramel macchiato. "So how are things going with you and Shea?"

"Oh the usual, however, I think we're making progress with her attitude. She's starting to learn that acting out and misbehaving gets her nothing but blue balls."

"I don't think women can get blue balls, but go off I guess."

"Shut up you know what I meant, nigga," he replied, blowing the wrapper of his straw in her direction. The pair shared a laugh before Erik grabbed his leather notebook from the desk drawer.

"I need help coming up with the next method I want to try with her. She's the ideal candidate for experimental therapies. We can really take this thing as far as it goes with her. Hypnotherapy was successful, I've taken thorough notes on that session after watching the footage a few times. And the toy. The toy did exactly what it was designed to do. However, it's not just toys and hypnotism. I've found that engaging her in non-sexual ways are just as effective to bring out her little personalities.

"Oh, so you met them already." Sky leaned forward interested in where the conversation was headed.

"I've tapped into her Little behavior and experimented with some of her kinks. Buttercup is the Little and she appears whenever she feels that I'm upset with her. There are layers to that psychologically that I'd like to examine."

"Hmm," Skylar nodded intrigued.

"Bianca is the brat you and I are used to."

"Too used to it." Skylar's eyes roll.

"She's obviously triggered by the word 'No' and tends to act out when she doesn't get her way. She's also fairly easy to contain... Bennie-"

"You don't need to tell me about Bennie, I work in a sex shop. Bennie comes to work every day."

"I'm kinda stuck now... I have all of this leeway yet I can't decide which method to use next. When I look at her I see endless possibilities. Since you know her, what do you suggest?"

"How about you do some type of exercise in which you bring all of her little personalities to the surface? Get her high."

"Seriously? That's it?"

"Yeah. You'd be amazed at what you'll learn from her when she's under the influence." Erik rubbed his chin as he pondered the thought.

"But you know how I get when I'm high, Sky," he said, sending a sly grin her way.

"Boy get your slick ass away from me. Save the bedroom eyes for O'Shea, thanks."

"On some serious shit though, how do I go about asking her to the crib? That violates all types of rules and crosses all types of barriers."

"Well technically it doesn't because it's possible to file it under intensive in-home services," she chuckled.

"Sky..."

"Okay, seriously working with the client in their home is not out of the ordinary. Don't make this weird."

"Aight, so you think we should do this at her crib since I've already been there before?"

"Yes. Her home is easier to justify on paper since it's familiar territory and she'll be more relaxed in her own space versus yours."

"Yo smart ass! That's why I keep you around," he said kissing her forehead repeatedly.

"I thought it was because I rolled the best weed but both compliments will do."

"You know I love you girl. That reminds me, you still got that dispensary connect in LA?"

"Maybe, why? You tryna get some specialty shit?"

"Yes, ma'am. Something that will ease her mind and body and allow her to open up to me."

"I know just the thing. It's called Green Goddess."

"Ooh, sounds exotic. I need two ounces."

"$2500."

"You know my account info. Get it for me and bring it by. Oooh, bring some In & Out too. And Cold Stones."

"Nigga is O'Shea the female in this situation or you?"

"Hush woman and do what I say," he said with a sharp smack to her ass.

"Yes Daddy," she teased in a soft, Princess-like voice.

"Aye chill out, it's been a minute." Skylar's soft giggle rang throughout the hallway as she walked towards the entrance. He thought for a minute before typing a quick text to O'Shea.

Busy tonight?

Nah why?

Netflix and chill at your crib? I'll bring the bud and food.

You had me at bud. See you at 7.

"Spoiled ass," he chuckled as he put his phone away.

The rest of the work day went by smoothly and soon it was time to head to his patient's house. As usual, Skylar came through with the bud he requested and both his and Shea's favorite meals from In & Out and ice cream from Cold Stones.

"At this point, you owe me your life," Sky fussed from her desk. "Traffic was hell. There was an accident, a four-car pileup." She was working late due to Erik and his needy ways so she opted to facetime him as he made his way to O'Shea's house to make her frustrations known.

"I knew it would be something that's why I knew I wouldn't have the time or patience. But you know I always got you, ma. If all else fails, I'm marrying you."

"Choke on rocks," she pouted. "Always using me for the shit you don't wanna do. I'm getting a new best friend, one that respects how great I am and loves me for me."

"If it's a dude, I'ma kill him. Killmonger don't share."

"I ain't Killmonger's bitch," she countered. "And murder is very much so illegal. This ain't the Navy." He smiled, revealing his bottom row of gold. He cleared his throat before dropping his voice several octaves.

"You sure about that, ma?"

"Oh no, put the demon away."

"Nah, you said you were replacing us. You sure you wanna do that?"

"Unlike O'Shea, I can do what I want, but no sweetheart, I'd never replace you."

"Pinky promise and swear on Crip."

"On Crip, I'd never replace you and you know we don't lie on the hood."

"Aight we good. I'll call you later to let you know how things go." The pair shared their goodbyes and Erik exited his vehicle.

"You're early," O'Shea noted as she stepped back to let him in. The clock on the microwave read 5:30.

"Work was light and I figured I'd just go ahead and come over. Problem?"

"No. Is that Cold Stones?" She asked wide-eyed.

"Yes it is and no you can't have it."

"B-But why?" she pouted.

"Later, Bianca."

"How many times must I remind you that I am an adult?"

"Barely," he regarded with a smirk as he made his way to her kitchen. She followed him the whole way, pouting all the while as he pulled everything out of the bags.

"Fix ya face or you won't get any at all."

"That's not fair!" she pouted harder, folding her arms over her chest.

"Life isn't fair, Lil' Mama."

"This is some bullshit," she fussed as she walked to the couch.

"Bet. I'll keep this sweet cream and oreo shit to myself," he teased, noticing how her mouth dropped in shock. Erik's grin only widened as he walked over to the couch with their food and drinks.

"So what we watching, Bianca Boo?" he asked, reaching for the remote.

"First of all, my name is O'Shea."

"You're acting like a brat so your name is Bianca, now answer my question."

"Can we watch Hercules?"

"Fuckin' child," he mumbled as he pressed play on the movie. The couple ate, sang, and smoked as they breezed through their little Disney movie marathon. From Hercules to Mulan to The Emperor's New Groove they relived their childhoods while the Green Goddess indica worked its magic to mellow them both out and allow them to talk and bond on a more personal level. Several hours into the Disney and chill session, O'Shea figured she'd try her luck again. She noted how much more mellow Erik was when he was under the influence, using this opportunity to fully appreciate how good he looked dressed down. The charcoal gray turtleneck clung to his muscles effortlessly, barely covering the Patek Phillipe watch on his left wrist. His black slacks fit him well, as though they were tailor-made just for him. Her eyes remained glued to the bulge in his pants as he sat with his legs spread wide on the couch. O'Shea fought hard to keep herself from staring, but of course, Erik noticed. He had been watching her watch him for the last 20 minutes and the beast within him noticed too.

"You gone suck or just stare at it?" Killmonger growled, startling O'Shea from her shameless eyefucking. The deep timbre of his voice had her quaking and before he could change his mind, she dropped down to her knees in front of him, seizing her moment to strike him down to a base level of weakness. Surely he could not withstand her oral talent no matter what contenders he'd faced before. Skylar was a master of oral sex when it came to women, but O'Shea was the oracle when it came to men. She looked up at him innocently as she took him into her mouth, lightly teasing his tip with gentle licks before finally taking as much of him as she could down her throat. Though she was cursed with a gag reflex, she was still a master at her craft and the way he was moaning above her proved that she hadn't lost her touch. His stout, thick fingers found their way into her curly mane, lightly gripping her tresses to help guide her head up and down his shaft.

"Just like that, Shea. Grip that shit, stroke what you can't fit in that wet ass mouth," he encouraged. O'Shea moaned around his shaft, using his praises as encouragement to show out on the dick. She wasn't sure when she'd get him this loose again and wanted to make sure this experience was memorable. Just as she was finding her groove, he made the most awful sound above her.

"Ah, shit! What the fuck?!"

"Wait, stop moving!"

"That shit hurt, what the fuck did you just do to me?" In all of the 5 years that O'Shea had had her braces, never once had they gotten caught on anyone. Leave it to Erik Stevens to be the unlucky contender.

"I-I'm sorry, that's never happened before," she said fighting back her laughter. He was being more dramatic than the situation really called for.

"Oh, that shit's funny to you? I'm fucking bleeding."

"You're not, but ok," she said standing from her position on the floor.

"Man move," he fussed, rushing to the bathroom to assess the damages.

20 minutes. 20 whole minutes was how long he left her to her own psyche while he calmed down. He knew she didn't mean to do it, but the fact that she laughed is what really pissed him off. Once he composed himself, he walked out to see her back on the couch with her head down towards the floor. He didn't speak to her, only went to the kitchen to throw away the trash and grab his keys.

"So are you going to leave and not speak to me? I told you it was an accident."

"I know, Buttercup and I'm not upset. I just think it's a good idea to end this session where it is. I'll have Harper contact you about your next appointment. Have a good night." With that and a kiss to the back of her hand, he walked outside and back to his car, leaving O'Shea a confused, sad mess. She didn't do well with people being mad at her, especially at this point in her life when her little personalities were fully functioning entities. The buzz of her phone brought her out of her psyche.

"Daddy's sorry for the way he left you, Buttercup. I meant what I said about not being angry at what happened, but what really pissed me off is the fact that you thought it was funny."

"But you laugh at my pain all the time," she replied meekly, curling up into a ball on the couch.

"I don't laugh at your pain, I laugh at the fact that you think you run shit. How about this, let's meet somewhere and talk about it."

"Where?"

"Cold Stones."

"But I have ice cream in the freezer."

"Since when have you turned down more?"

"Touché. Give me 10 minutes." She quickly dressed, happy that he wasn't upset and that he still wanted to continue their therapy and build their potential relationship. Though he was indeed her therapist, she felt comfortable with him. More comfortable than she had felt with anyone in a long time and if she were being honest, it scared her. She hated how vulnerable she was around him having been so guarded for most of her life, yet she liked that she could be her true self without fear of judgment and ridicule for her behavior. The benefits of having him as her therapist outweighed her fears. He got her on a level that no one else had before, not even Sky.

Excitedly, she met him in the air-conditioned shop finding him with ice cream in hand. On her approach, he rested his palm atop her head as if to say welcome.

"So now I'm a dog?"

"Nah, you just small. Have a seat, baby girl." She sat down beside him and began eating the cold sugary concoction of sweet cream, chocolately brownie chunks, crumbled graham crackers and walnuts all drizzled with thick caramel. She bounced happily in her seat as the divine mixture set her tastebuds ablaze. This was one of her all-time favorite combinations and she was glad he'd remembered it to the smallest detail. He smiled as he watched her smiling and bouncing in her element, happy that she was happy. She was eating so fast that she dripped ice cream onto her chin and brand new royal purple Disney spirit jersey. She pouted, but he merely grabbed a napkin and cleaned her mess.

"Why the long face, Buttercup? I thought a messy little girl was a happy little girl."

"Sky just bought this for me, though. I didn't want to get it dirty. There's even a stain on Mickey." She turned her body slightly to show him the smudged caramel on the sparkly D emblem.

"Well that won't do, will it? You're welcome to take it off. You wouldn't want to spill again."

"But I'm not wearing another shirt," she pouted further.

"Less material to worry about. You should enjoy your ice cream freely. Do remove the shirt, Buttercup.. for your own good." She nodded, slowly lifting the sweatshirt over her head and laying it on the table. He grabbed and folded it neatly before placing it on the booth beside him. Now free from the constraints of the jersey, she tore into her ice cream like a woman starved.

"Doesn't that feel better? Your sweater is now safe from any harm and Daddy will worry about having it cleaned. That's not something a little girl should concern herself with."

"Yes Daddy, thank you," she said with a wide grin. It had been so long since she had been allowed to freely be in her little space, especially to this degree and it was nice to put the stresses and worries of adulting to the side, even if it were just for a little while.

"Um... I'm sorry sir, but um.. shirts are required in this establishment... Sorry..," the gangly scooper spoke nervously, obviously intimidated by his stature though he was not in his imposing state. The anxiety in the guy's eyes rubbed him the wrong way. Another negative profile. If that was the case while he wore a sweater and a name brand watch, he thought, the man deserved to feel fearful.

"Several pale skinned patrons are wearing sports bras and cropped bandeau tops, similar to my date's. Are you going to say the same to them?" Erik asked with a raised eyebrow watching the guy stammer in distress.

"I- It's just- Nevermind," the scooper stumbled, making his way back behind the counter. He started to pick up a phone, but when Erik made eye contact and mouthed a message, he put the phone back down.

"What did you say just now," O'Shea inquired, looking from the counter back to Erik's peaceful expression. The behavior of the scooper didn't match his face.

"Nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about, Buttercup. Take your time. Finish your ice cream and we'll be on our way." O'Shea shrugged but continued to bounce happily as she ate her ice cream, even going as far as to ask Erik for another bowl for later. Because of the way he behaved earlier, he obliged.

"Whadya know, Buttercup! We got this one free."

"Yay!" she squealed, happily thanking the fearful scooper who nodded without eye contact.

"I-It was no trouble, really," he stuttered, eyes never leaving Erik's menacing scowl. As the couple turned to leave, Erik bucked at the young scooper, laughing loudly at the way he flinched, dropping a tower of ice cream all over himself.

"Damn, nigga. You need to lift weights or something," he smirked opening the glass door for O'Shea.

"Where do you wanna go now, Buttercup?" he asked as he brushed a rogue curl behind her ear.

"I wish it wasn't so late. I really wanna go to Disneyland." Erik checked his watch and noted that the park would indeed be closing soon.

"We can't get into the park, but Downtown Disney is still open."

"Ooh can we go to Salt & Straw?" she asked, bouncing on her toes.

"Buttercup you just had ice cream and got a free one to go. Not to mention you still have ice cream in the freezer from earlier."

"Yeah, but none of those were honey lavender with whipped cream and a waffle cone," she pouted.

'You're right, but considering the fact that I'm a doctor who also cares about your physical health, the answer is still no. You are sweet enough." She was upset but didn't protest further for fear that he'd just decide to take her back to her house. No matter how upset she was, Disney fixed everything. As the pair roamed the district, O'Shea's eyes grew wide watching Erik walk into to the Pandora shop. She'd been wanting new charms for her princess-themed bracelet forever, but never had the time or the extra funds to splurge on herself the way she wanted.

"How about I make my Buttercup something special?" he beamed down at her, rubbing circles into the small of her back.

"Oooh, what is it?" she asked happily.

"It's a surprise, but why don't you go get us two of those honey lavender cones and it'll be done by the time you get back."

"Ok!" she squealed happily, taking his card and running out of the store before he changed his mind again. It took her all of 10 minutes to go and come back with her half-eaten cone and his full one. Her grin was wide as she regarded Erik standing in front of the counter with both hands behind his back. His shit-eating grin was back like he knew he was that nigga. And at this moment, he was.

"Whatcha got back there, Daddy?"

"Just a little something for my second favorite princess," he replied stepping closer to her. "Close your eyes and hold out your left wrist." She quickly complied and her beaming grin grew even wider as she felt the cold metal against her skin.

"Alright, open." He watched smugly as her eyes opened and widened. Her heart was so full she thought it would burst. She hadn't even realized that he had slipped her princess bracelet off her wrist until she saw it in its complete form.

"You finished my bracelet?"

"Yes ma'am, chronologically just the way you had it and I started your villain one." Her fingers toyed delicately with the Tinkerbell and poisoned apple charms on the princess bracelet before moving to Maleficent and the Evil Queen charms on the villain bracelet. Then her eyes met his. She wanted to cry.

"Thank you so much, Daddy."

"Anything for my Buttercup. I even left off Anna and Elsa because I know those are the ones you like the least." Again, he'd remembered something seemingly frivolous solely because he knew it was important to her. She felt her little heart swell two sizes.

"You're the best, really." She rewarded him with a sweet kiss on the lips, which he deepened when he grabbed her chin and added a little tongue. Just enough to leave her wanting.

"Come on, pretty girl. Let's get you home, we both have work in the morning."

—————————————

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[uncomfortable-writers]

To Love Another (Steve x Reader)

(Gif credit to owner)

Fandom: Marvel

Character: Steve Rogers

Persona: Female

Word Count: 3,214 (whoops)

A/N - This will contain spoilers for Endgame near the start! It will probably be angsty in some places too and there will be multiple time skips <3

Steve was crouched on the floor, a hand in a pile of ash which he used to call his best friend. He watched in horror as more and more people turned to dust around him, “Oh God”, he whispered softly feeling the distress in the pit of his stomach curdle violently. 

The Avengers had failed. His worst fear come to life.

Dropping down next to him, tears welled in your eyes, “We...We lost”, you whispered completely distraught, it couldn’t be true could it? The Avengers, Earth’s mightiest heroes, finally defeated? You were a few seconds away from breaking down, sensing this Steve silently pulled you into his side by clamping an arm around your shoulder. Without a second thought you had his suit grasped in your hands as waves of sobs were unleashed, your face completely buried in his chest.

Steve wished with all of his heart that he could find the right words to console you, but not even himself, (who was full of optimism in the worst of times), could find the good in this. So he let you cry into him, silently holding you as close as he could out of fear you might disappear from his eyes within seconds.

Five, long, painful years passed without a solution; Thanos was dead, the stones destroyed and the vanished long gone. It had been hard but Steve took each day as they came.

The Captain was just returning from his latest group therapy session in which he was the leader, something he knew Sam would’ve been proud of and just the mere thought of that was one of the things which inspired Steve to keep going. He locked his car door, fishing in his pocket he found his other set of keys and walked up the steps to his apartment. The walk through the corridors was silent much like the rest of the surrounding world, he had noticed. The world was so quiet now, so void of life that it constantly reminded him of his own failure, constantly weighing him down. 

Steve put the key into the lock. The keys jingled and the locked clicked open, he didn’t bother calling out to announce his presence, it was still early afternoon.

Hanging his coat on the rack, he kicked off his boots and left them with the other sets of shoes neatly sitting by the front door. He walked with little noise towards the living room where the t.v was softly emitting noise but he found the room to be empty. Changing the course of his destination, he went towards the kitchen too but alas it was still vacant, Steve felt a little bit of worry building up but he tried to push it to the side. Going towards the bedroom, the door was slightly ajar, nudging it gently he peaked his head into the room.

Lying in the centre of the bed, fully clothed and not under the covers he found you. Steve felt the worry die down. It was instead replaced with sympathy and sadness. While Steve dealt with the Snap by keeping busy and rarely dwelling on his feelings of failure, you tended to have days where all you’d do is mope. At the start they were such a common occurrence that Steve rarely left your side, but now five years later, you were doing much better recently though. Still everyone had their days.

“(Y/N)”, Steve called out softly, resting on the doorframe, “I’m back from the group, how’ve you been love?”. 

You wiggled around lethargically on the bed until Captain America came into view, “Hey Steve, I’m just tired”. He could see that your eyes were red. You cheeks also had a gentle dusting of pink and not because you had been rubbing at them viciously to remove any evidence of your tears. Steve lightly chewed his lip as he devised how to approach the situation. Pushing off from the doorframe he uncrossed his arms.

“How many hours did you get last night?”, he asked, dropping onto his side of the bed he rested his back against the headboard, leaving his chest and lap free for you to claim. Wasting no time you placed your head on his legs, wrapping your arms around the tree-trunk like limbs for the comfort you needed.

“I got a few”, you responded with a sniffle, one of Steve’s hands tangled into your hair while the other drew small circles up and down your back. He knew you didn’t rest well last night, your tossing and turning was evidence enough. Rubbing the fabric of his jeans, you skillfully changed the question, “How was group?”, Steve noticed this but he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to push you on matters you didn’t want to speak about. “Same old same old. We talked for a bit, cried a little”, he hummed thoughtfully in response. He felt you nod against his legs. A silence fell in the room, Steve could still sense your sadness and he wished he could take it away and make it all better. 

“We haven’t seen Nat in awhile, would you like to go visit her?”, he let the question hang in the air. Steve knew you enjoyed the visits to the compound to see her, she was like your sister after all. You took solace in the car rides too. Steve let you take your time to answer, he wasn’t going to force you into going out. You appreciated how thoughtful Steve was, how supportive he was. 

Lightly, you pushed up off of his lap and sat up. Your hair was slightly messy, your eyes were still red but Steve thought you were still gorgeous, “I’ve missed her, it’s about time we went to see her again”. Steve let his hand wander to your hip which he used as leverage to gently pull you against him, “Let’s go surprise her then”, he nuzzled his forehead against yours and pressed his lips to yours. Despite all the grief in the world along with the rest of the bad things, Steve was grateful to have found comfort in you, as ultimately it was the Snap which had brought you together. 

The love Steve felt from you made life more bearable.

He smiled broadly as you let your head rest on the window of the car, you watched intently as the trees and wildlife whizzed past at phenomenal speeds making you feel at ease. Steve reached over and rested his hand on your knee while he kept his eyes on the road, you quickly turned it over and placed your small one into his. Despite Steve always using his fists to fight, they were surprisingly smooth with only one or two calluses. 

It took a little over an hour for you to arrive at the compound, the sight of it used to fill you with a sense of pride, of duty, but now it only served as a reminder of  the defeat the Avengers couldn’t prevent. 

Before Thanos had happened, you were the seventh member of the Avengers. A late comer to the team, absolutely afraid about if the original six were going to accept you or not. When Fury first introduced you, you were the very epitome of anxiety itself. You didn’t have to worry for long though, they all made extra efforts to make you feel welcome, Natasha and Steve even went the extra mile. Instantly the Avengers were more than just a team to you, they were your family and as you stood there looking at the compound, you couldn’t help but remember the better times. A sorrowful expression graced your face. Your family was scattered: lost in space, in another state or just specks of dust.

The car door slammed shut, it clicked as it was locked by Steve. He walked round to you, his hand stretched out to reclaim yours. Reaching down he chastly kissed your temple, “C’mon let’s go inside love”.

The walk through the compound was even more mute than the outside world, each step through the empty corridors echoed violently, each workstation you passed horribly lacking human life. The effects of Thanos were unescapable. Natasha was the only one who still occupied the place, having nowhere else to go, (even though you and Steve gave her an invite to live with you, Tony even offered to buy her her own place anywhere in the world she liked. She politely declined both offers). 

Soft sniffles could be heard way before you’d even reached the common room, you looked up at Steve who was already looking down at you, he decided to take lead and stepped in front of you, you trailed behind him. “I’d offer to cook you dinner but it would probably make you feel worse, just ask (Y/N)”, Steve joked with a sincere smile coming into Nat’s vision. 

You feigned a look of disgust, “Gosh Nat, you don’t even want to know how badly Steve can mess up toast”, punching him playfully you glided over to the table and took a seat opposite her. “Hey!”, Steve frowned, “My toast isn’t that bad”. You and Natasha started to giggle as she quickly regained posure, it was strange to see her cry. “Y’know me and (Y/N) saw a pod of whales on the way over here”, he announced making his way slowly over to you both. “They were so pretty”, you chimed in, a toothy grin displayed on your features. Steve noticed how you were perking up, glad that Natasha was able to make you feel happy. The Black Widow looked from you to the Captain, “If you’re about to tell me to look at the brightside, you’re both going to get a peanut butter sandwich thrown at your heads”. 

Steve sat down beside you, “Force of habit sorry”, he chuckled. Before anyone was able to talk, a notification was triggered. Natasha pulled the videofeed up and you could not believe your eyes, Scott was on screen. Scott who was supposed to have vanished in the Snap. “When is this from?”, you asked incredulously standing up without realising, your friend copied your actions, “(Y/N) that’s the front gate”.

///Timeskip to after the battle\\\

Anthony Edward Stark, the Earth’s Greatest Avenger, had saved the world again, for the final time. Thanos was dead, your friends were back and your family was together again, albeit without Tony. It stung but you were immensely gratuitous towards Iron Man, pledging yourself silently to his family as you watched him fade peacefully in his final moments. Something about Steve was off though and it wasn’t just because of the fact that one of his closest friends had just passed.

The funeral was beautiful, the planning Pepper put into it was everything Tony would’ve wanted; a peaceful affair to celebrate his life. 

You put Steve’s standoffish behaviour down to grief. At the funeral he stood close to the lake along with Rhodey, Happy, Pepper and Morgan. You remained at the back, unwilling to interrupt Steve’s final goodbyes. You also didn’t want to cause a scene especially at Tony’s memorial, it would be unfair to his memory and unfair to everyone else. So you stood with your other friends, Bucky, Sam and Wanda lamenting over not only Tony but Natasha too. You couldn’t help but feel like part of you had died with them even though you tried hard not to be sad. You were resting your head on Bucky, he had an arm wrapped around your waist to comfort you. Sam also patted your arm, “They wouldn’t want to be sad (Y/N)”, he reminded you, you tried to smile at him through the tears, “I know Sam”.

After the wreathe floated away, Pepper was the first to return to the house bringing Morgan along with her. The others followed suit, but not Steve. He stayed by the lake, watching the water ripple slowly. You waited a few moments before going over to join him.

Wordlessly, you slipped your hand into his own, yet he didn’t hold it like he used too. Since coming back from collecting the stones, Steve was acting different. You didn’t have time to press him on the matters before and now still wasn’t the time either. Although his actions hurt you, you placed it down to the events. “He’s in a better place now Steve”, you squeezed his hand encouragingly, “They both are”. The Captain said nothing other than offer you a nod in agreement, he hardly acted even when you leaned up and placed a tender kiss to his cheek.

Steve stood solemnly, unable to bring himself to reciprocate your affections. 

Going back in time had given him a chance to think of what could’ve been, especially when he had stumbled into Peggy’s office. Seeing his first love brought back feelings which were lying dormant inside of him for years, the butterflies he felt when he thought about her were making him sick as he stood in the present, holding your hand, not hers. It wasn’t right, he didn’t belong here and you didn’t deserve this. Steve loved you, yes he adored your very being, but he loved Peggy too. As he stood there, towering over you in his tight-fitting suit, he made his plans to correct all of his wrongs.

He gently patted the compass he had stashed away in his breast pocket.

“You sure this’ll work?”, Sam asked Professor Hulk. Another quantum tunnel had been built outside by the ruined compound. “Of course it will”, Bruce responded, prepping the machine, “Just remember to return the stones to the time we took them from okay?”. 

“Yeah I know”, Steve replied picking up the case which contained the colourful objects. He looked positively gorgeous in his time-travel suit. You smiled awkwardly as Steve looked at you, things were rocky recently and anytime you tried to get Steve to talk about it, he dismissed it. “See you soon (Y/N)”,  Cap’s voice was raspy, he gently placed a hand onto your shoulder and pulled you into a one-sided hug, “Don’t be long”, you joked back, trying your best not to show you true emotions. “How long will this take?”, Bucky piped up catching Bruce’s attention. Steve walked over the machine as the professor said, “For us? Five seconds, for Steve? As long as he needs”.

The answer satisfied Bucky who came to stand next to you, Sam copied his actions. 

Steve stood on the time machine, you swore he got paler as the seconds passed but it could’ve been a trick of the lighting. “See you soon Cap”, Bruce shouted before pressing the button, Steve disappeared in a flash of light. Loudly, the Hulk counted down the seconds as they passed until it was time for him to come back. Hitting the button did nothing though, “He’s gone passed his mark!”, Bruce announced in a panic. Sam instantly jumped over to his side, “What do you mean? Bring him back!”. 

You gripped onto Bucky out of sheer alarm, the Winter Soldier tilted his head as  movement caught his eye. Bucky knew in an instant what Steve had done, “Guys”, he spoke softly getting everyone’s attention, he jolted his head towards the small figure sitting on the bench.

Sam was the first to go over and greet him. You stood with Buck feeling nauseous to your very core, the Steve you had known wasn’t the Steve who’d came back. The inkling you had was right all along, you knew something was up and it broke your heart that he didn’t talk about it with you. You didn’t realise the full extent to how disturbed Steve was and you couldn’t help but feel guilty. In all the years you’d known him, especially in the last five, Steve had been there for you. Steve handed over the shield to Sam, you felt happiness for him and you knew he made a perfect candidate for the mantle, the new Captain started walking back over to you and Bucky. “Go talk to him”, Bucky gave you an encouraging push in the old Captain’s direction. 

Reluctantly your legs moved on their own accord as if slowing your movements could prevent you from the events to come. Of course it couldn’t and you were soon stood by Steve.

“I guess you took your time”, you chuckled with a strain, lowering yourself down to sit on the bench next to him. “Yeah, sorry about that”, Steve’s voice was familiar yet so different. It felt comforting and strange at the same time. Just like the rest of him, it had been weathered with age. A few moments ago Steve displayed no signs of his true age, looking as young as he did back in the 1940s. His once form of Greek deity was nowhere in sight, instead it was replaced with a very mortal, frail body that showed he was well over one hundred. “I had unfinished business”, he informed you. He paused for a moment, taking in the sunset and the way the light bounced off of your eyes, “I’m...sorry I didn’t tell you about it”.

It stung like a fresh wound, it really did hurt your soul.

Steve placed a leathery hand onto your knee, it was covered with age spots and with a wedding band. 

You smiled at him as you placed your hand over his, once his hand would’ve covered yours but now your hand was bigger. Tears gathered in the corner of your eyes, “You don’t have to be sorry silly, as long as you’re happy”. Steve tried to return the smile, “I am”. You could tell he was although something seemed to be bugging him. “You feel guilty, don’t you?”, you stated already knowing the answer. “How can I not? I did love you (Y/N)-- I still do-- I just didn’t belong here”.

His words pierced your heart, you could feel the utter pain trickling into every part of your body. 

“Of course you belong here, we wouldn’t of made it without you, but you wanted to be there and I don’t blame you Steve. It must if been difficult coming out of the ice and trying to adjust here”, Steve appreciated your words, “You just need to fill me in on all the things I’ve missed, like who the lucky lady is”, you wiggled your eyebrows at him, masking the heartbreak you felt. 

The sickness in your stomach was starting to fade. There was still a small amount of bitterness in you as you thought about how another woman got to love Steve the way you did, how she got to marry him the way you had wanted too, but when you thought about who this woman was, (you already knew who she was, Steve only ever loved one other woman the way he loved you), you couldn’t explain the gratitude you felt towards her. She made Steve happy and that was all that you wanted. You mentally sent out a thank you note to her.

Although your losses had been great of late, you had your family back, your friends too. Things, even though they didn’t seem it right now, where starting to look up.

“You Steve, I think I’ll join you in that retirement home, I could use a good rest”.

[shxrirogers]

When Love Falls- Tom Holland x Reader (Repost)

Summary: A mutual visit to the same park in New York City resulted in Tom fantasizing about being in a relationship with you. The only problem? He saw you, but you didn’t see him and you left before he worked up the courage to introduce himself. Now, Tom is faced with a particularly troubling dilemma: How is he supposed to find you again in a city of eight million people when he doesn’t even know your name?

Word Count: 2,719

Warnings/Triggers: None, just lots of fluff!

Author’s Note: Hi, everyone! After nearly a year of taking a fanfiction writing hiatus to focus on school and learning more about the craft of writing overall (I’m a creative writing major in school), I finally decided to revisit and edit my old fics using the new tools I’ve gathered in my classes. I plan on doing this for all of my writing to produce and publish the best art I can for you guys, so be on the lookout for some more pieces here soon! But, in the meantime, I have to thank @bicaptain​ for proofreading and providing constructive criticism for all four drafts of this fic that I had. I appreciate you, L!

Most normal relationships nowadays begin with a simple “hello” while standing in line to check out at the grocery store or liking a post on someone’s Instagram page. A dinner and movie date might ensue, or a long thread of DM conversations before a “going steady” label or a change in one’s social media bio to “in a relationship.” It’s the twenty-first century for Pete's sake; for a relationship to begin any other way would be peculiar and out of sorts.

But, to be fair, when had Tom Holland, or his life, ever been normal?

For him, your relationship began the moment he first laid eyes on you. He was filming a project in New York City for a couple of months during the summer and rented an apartment on the south side of the island, just a train ride away from the apartment was a dog park he discovered and frequented with Tessa, his Bull Terrier. The grass in the park was emerald green and well fertilized; oak trees that had to have been planted more than one hundred years ago spanned the perimeter of the park, extending up and into the open air, cutting jagged edges out of the atmosphere, begging to be climbed and explored. 

Which is exactly what Tom decided to do.

\What compelled him to perform such a task, he would never figure out, but he decided to blame it on a combination of his amateur parkour abilities and his boyish nature that was always poking at him to explore new places, no matter the risk or cost. On the first day he had a break from filming, he left Tessa at home so he could place his complete focus on the tree-climbing; he threw the hood of his sweatshirt up on his head and hopped aboard the subway for the short ride.

It was only natural of Tom to choose the tallest, most fruitful tree in the park to begin scaling once he got there. It probably should have proven more difficult than it was to get to the spot he decided he was going to make his own, but his early-twenty-something stature swung him up and about rather easily. The spot that he chose had multiple sturdy branches that sprouted out in all directions and provided the perfect nook to lay his blanket down and settle in with the book he brought, a book that certainly challenged his dyslexia but was too thrilling not to try and work through it. All was well for a couple of hours, what with the light breeze caressing his face and the warm sun shining through the leaves onto his skin, and he felt invisible, invincible, and at peace. He would have almost gone as far to say he was untouchable, even, like the anxiety of his career and the constant pressure of having to be something for someone all the time had completely disappeared. Tom was about thirty-seven pages into the mystery plot, thirty-seven pages into his blissful isolation, when the soft humming of an old Blink-182 song by a strong voice floated up into earshot. 

That’s when he peered down and saw you.

You were making yourself comfortable with your own blanket and book at the bottom of the trunk. Your golden retriever, Winston, was laying contently beside you. That damn Blink-182 song had been stuck in your head for days ever since you walked past a hole-in-the-wall bar that was hosting their annual emo night, and no matter how much you sang it, some notes on the pitch, others off-key, you couldn’t let it go. So, it followed you here as you settled under the very tree Tom was nestled in to get a head start on an assignment for school and allow for Winston to get out and enjoy the fresh air, but because of the overgrown branches and monstrous-sized leaves, you didn’t know he was there. You sat contently for a time combing through your work as Tom’s mouth grew increasingly more dry while looking at you. He knew he shouldn’t have been doing that, watching you while you were completely ignorant to his presence, but he was drawn to your aura, the radiating confidence, and gentleness that simultaneously oozed from your pores. He’d never experienced anyone like you before, and certainly not under these bizarre circumstances, either. 

How long his attention was gauged on you, he didn’t know, but when he snapped out of his lovestruck daze that had drool falling from the corner of his mouth, he realized he was watching you pack your bag and untie Winston from the tree to go on your way. Tom should have done something, damn it, but the thought of making himself known to you shrunk his confidence down to minuscule size and caused him to freeze. What in the world could he have possibly said: Hi, I’ve been watching you from up in this tree for hours and I think you are the loveliest girl I’ve ever seen, and I mean this in the least creepy way possible? Piss off. He could never. You wandered down the park trail and out of his sight and Tom’s heart fell at the realization that he’d never see you again.

If someone stuck a probe in Tom’s brain and used a projector to cast his thoughts on a loop, that person would only see you. You began to invade every aspect of his life: Tom closed his eyes in the shower to shampoo his hair, and there you were behind his eyelids. He passed an extra on set with a hair color similar to yours and his vision suddenly blurred. He heard your Blink-182 song in his dreams and woke up to believe you were right next to him in bed, curled up and sleeping soundly. It was the spaces between moments where you came to fruition-- sat next to him on the subway as someone else left the car, working behind the counter at the Starbucks on 8th Avenue right as walked out of the door with his coffee, passing him on the staircase as he made the climb to the floor of his apartment. You were there until you weren’t. A moment in time Tom couldn’t hold onto, a figment of his imagination that flashed before him and dissipated before he could resonate that he wasn’t actually looking at anything at all.

“You’ve got it bad, bro,” Harry stated over FaceTime one evening after twisting Tom’s arm behind his back to get him to explain why he couldn’t hold a proper conversation with his younger brother. “You saw that girl one time and you’re so preoccupied with her that you can’t even talk to me for more than thirty seconds before trailing off and drooling on yourself.”

“I am not drooling!” Tom protested although he couldn’t be sure, so he turned away from the camera to swipe at his chin just in case. No drool. A bastard, Harry was.

“You might as well be. You talk about her like she put the constellations in the sky herself.”

“C’mon, dude, you’ve got to give me a little bit more credit than that.”

Harry began fiddling with the cord of the headphones he was using to talk to Tom. “Hey, I didn’t say it was a bad thing to feel this way about someone, man. I just think you need to learn a bit more about her to ensure those feelings are constituted. Maybe you should, like, make yourself known to her first and say hello. Don’t keep looming over her head and ogling at her like a fucking weirdo.”

“Just how do you expect me to do that, Mr. “I Know Everything About Love?”

“Well, for starters, have you considered going back to the park to find her? She may be a frequent flyer.”

Tom sat silently, his eyes wandered off his phone screen in embarrassment.

“Ok,” Harry sighed, feigning annoyance. “Let’s start there. You should head to the park on the same day and time as before and make yourself comfortable near where you first saw her. I mean, this is a total shot in the dark and you really might never see her again and end up alone forever--”

“Dude!”

“--Or, you might just get lucky and see her again. But bro, a bit of advice: If you do see her, the only way you’re going to form any kind of relationship with her is by making sure she knows you exist. Say something to her if you see her.”

And somehow, by some crazy twist of fate, when Tom followed Harry’s advice and settled himself in his same spot in the same tree on another day of rest from filming, you showed up shortly after to settle in your same spot under the same tree. Tom couldn’t believe it. He was genuinely at a loss for words. The sound of your familiar humming of the same Blink-182 song gave your presence away before the sight of you did, and just like last time, he froze in his spot, eyes fixed on you, mouth slightly agape. To hell with the novel he was reading; you were far more pleasurable a sight to lay his eyes on than any story could have ever been, and he immediately began to wrestle with the incredibly creepy task he was performing. He just needed to go down there and say hello, to introduce himself as Harry said, but because fear was coursing through his veins, he simply watched you again for as long you were down there. This time, you were on the phone with your mother, and through this Tom was able to gather a shocking amount of information about you, including your mother’s name, your middle name, the latest summer classes you were taking at Columbia, and the fact that you have three younger brothers, just like Tom has, who seem to be knee-deep in their fair share of shenanigans, just like Tom’s brothers would be. The similarities between your two families made him smile, but before he was ready to see you go, you were up and on your way again with Winston, the connection Tom felt a fleeting moment he wished he could make tangible and wrap his fingers around forever.

For the next few weeks, Tom stayed up in the safety of his tree where he knew you wouldn’t find him. Every other Tuesday seemed to be the day was when his filming schedule opened up and allowed him to find you at the park by the tree. Every other Tuesday, for the next couple of weeks, Tom would fight to work up the courage to talk to you, and every other Tuesday for the next few weeks, he would lose. This was how he came to practice calling you his own.

However, for you, the relationship began a bit differently.

You’d been coming to the dog park with Winston on a bi-weekly basis whenever you didn’t have to be in summer classes or at work. You would have liked to have visited more often; a one bedroom apartment on campus wasn’t conducive with the lifestyle of an energetic five-year-old golden, but you made do with the free time you had and Winston wasn’t the type to protest. There was a particular tree you’d grown fond of (no pun intended) in the park for its sturdy trunk and strong frame, as well as the sweet shade it provided on humid New York summer afternoons, and you made it your temporary squatting place on the days you could make it out there.

On a Tuesday in mid-June, you settled down in your usual spot with a blanket to rest on and a bowl of water for Winston to lap up when he needed. The moment your back fell against the tree, you huffed, livid and nearly sick over the prospect of failing the physics test you took earlier that day. Science was never your thing to begin with, and why the hell did a liberal arts university require so many science classes of you to graduate, anyway?

It was a particularly windy day, so the constant rustling of the trees didn’t seem out of place against the bright blue sky, but it was about forty-five minutes into mindlessly scrolling on social media to distract yourself from your troubling emotions that you realized something was off: A shadow that was shaped oddly like a man was stretching across the grass in front of you. You peered over the top of your phone to look for the source of the shadow that was accompanied by the feeling of eyes blazing into your skin, but before you could stand up to search for the person that was causing your hair to stand on end, you felt a sharp object clip your shoulder while it fell to the ground. 

“Ow!” You shouted, your hand immediately crossing over your body to cover your already-bruising skin. The object bounced a couple of feet away before flopping inanimately, and it took you a couple of glances to register what had just come down on you.

“A book? What the-”

“Oh my goodness, sweetheart, I’m so sorry!”

A boyish voice with an English accent coming from above interrupted the expletive that almost rolled off your tongue, and you looked up to see that it belonged to a man scurrying frantically down the tree. You started to stand while the man’s sneaker-covered feet landed on the grass. He began dusting off his jeans until he realized you were cradling yourself in pain, and within that moment he came to your rescue, apologizing profusely.

“I was up in the tree reading and my leg began to fall asleep, so I shifted my bum and the book slid off my lap and fell onto you before I had a chance to catch it! Please forgive me, miss, it was a sincere accident.” That boy was telling lies and you knew by the way his pupils dilated with every inhale of breath he took between his long-winded sentences. Even so, though, his dilated pupils were swimming in golden brown irises, and as his palms grazed the bare skin on your arms to offer some kind of assistance for your injury, you felt your skin warm at the touch and the adrenaline in your bloodstream settle.

“Were you…” you paused, trying to process the fact that the shadow that had been observing you moments ago substantiated into someone rather handsome and quirky, “Were you up there watching me the whole time I’ve been here?”

“I, uh...See, well, I, uh--” 

So that’s a yes. “Have you been watching me the entire time I’ve been coming here?”

“No! Absolutely not. You see, I, uh, I heard that Blink-182 song you were humming and I… uh… I rather like that song, and so I, well, I…uh--”

“You’re a really bad liar, you know.”

The boy stopped stammering and sighed. “I know how incredibly creepy that sounds, but I promise I wasn’t stalking you. Every time you left the park, I didn’t follow; I had no idea where you were heading home to. I only observed you when you were under this tree because I was so enamored by you… Oh my gosh, this sounds so awful. Jesus…”

You giggled and felt your cheeks blush. “Is that slightly creepy? Yes. Absolutely. But is it also oddly endearing? You bet.”

The boy’s shoulders dropped in relief at the sound of your laughter as he extended his hand out to you. “Anyway, my name is Tom. I should have told you that the first time I saw you here. I apologize for the scare and for the bruised shoulder.”

You took his hand and gave it a firm shake, the warmth radiating through you again. 

“Y/N.”

“‘Y/N,’” Tom repeated. “Nice to officially meet you.”

“Likewise-- Er, uh, sorta.”

You both laughed and took a seat on your blanket.

“So, Tom, have you always had a knack for climbing trees? You seem to be pretty good at it, seeing as how you got so far up I couldn’t see you.”

He broke out into a grin. “Oh, love, you don’t even know the half of it.”

Xx.

If you enjoyed this fic, please consider supporting my plan to go to grad school and earn my MFA in creative writing by donating to my Ko-Fi here! All of the money will go toward graduate school expenses.

[sweetrevengeance]

Don’t Close Your Eyes

pairing: Philip Shea/Lukas Waldenbeck (Eyewitness)

word count: 3228 

trigger warnings: !! suicide attempt !! 

A/N: yo!! this is a birthday gift for my bestest bro Gabe!!! h8 to make u sad on ur birthday bud but ur the one who requested self harm Philip for ur birthday so ur wish is my command I guess!! 

Read it on ao3 here.

It took Lukas a little while to warm up to being out. It had taken him multiple grueling months beforehand to even begin to come to terms with himself, and making that public took a toll on him at first. He never regretted it, because he loved Philip, but a part of him wished it had just been easier. Once the initial shock died down - when people stopped pausing him in the hallways to say ridiculous things like so which one of you is the girl? or it’s such a shame. you were so cute when you were straight. - Lukas couldn’t have been more of a romantic. When people stopped talking so much and he stopped caring so much about what those people thought, the world became a lot easier to navigate for Lukas, because his mind was set on only one thing almost all the time: loving Philip. If someone had told him that first night in the cabin that one day he, Lukas actual Waldenbeck, would be kissing Philip Shea by his locker every morning, strutting around all proud and giddy with his fingers sewn between Philip’s in between every class, loving this boy in plain sight and everyone knew, he probably would have punched them for saying something so insane. And maybe that’s what it took him so long to get over; the notion that loving Philip made something wrong with him. But, with a little bit of soul searching and a couple of near death experiences, Lukas embraced who he was and who he loved, and he decided everyone else should embrace it, too. To make up for all the time he spent unfairly forcing Philip into the dark, Lukas made sure everyone in the whole wide world that was Tivoli, New York knew that he loved Philip and wasn’t afraid to admit it anymore.

It was one of those mornings, when Lukas was feeling so extraordinarily in love and wanted to show it off. It was hardly 9 AM when Lukas pulled himself out of bed on a Saturday morning to bike down to the local florist and pick up a fresh bouquet of purple and blue flowers. Philip hated roses, but he liked flowers in general. Mostly, he liked sticking them in Lukas’ hair and taking cheesy polaroids, but Lukas was always up for that, since it always made Philip smile.

He thanked the young woman behind the counter when she handed him the small but beautiful bundle of flowers. He checked his phone for the time (9:32 AM), but found his screen displaying a message also. It was a text from Philip, reading simply: I love you, Lukas. He abandoned any idea of trying to surprise Philip with breakfast in bed or anything, but he had sort of figured that would be the case unless he woke up really early. Philip didn’t sleep very much anymore; he was always awake before Lukas. Typing out a quick response about loving him too, Lukas wondered if Philip had similar romantic plans for the morning, considering the random outburst of affectional declaration. He silently hoped a small bouquet of flowers would be enough as he climbed back onto his bike and shoved the helmet over his head.

With the flowers in his lap tucked half under his shirt, the sound of Lukas’ motorbike was almost the only thing breaking the small town air. It only took him a few minutes to drive through town and end up in the familiar driveway to Helen and Gabe’s house. He could probably drive there in his sleep, seeing the amount of time he’d come to spend in Philip’s bedroom or at their dinner table. He brought his bike to a stop on the lawn, noting the absence of cars around him and concluding that both Helen and Gabe weren’t home - Helen almost certainly at the sheriff station, Gabe probably out grocery shopping or enjoying the early June sunshine out on the water. He smiled. He loved Helen and Gabe like family, but sometimes being alone with Philip was greatly preferred. Lukas peeled off his helmet and gloves and swung a leg over his bike, dismounting. He tussed up his hair a little bit to get the shape of the helmet out of it and regripped the flowers in his hand. He was only a little bit concerned that Philip hadn’t walked out the door yet. Usually, the sound of his bike lured Philip to greet him with a kiss on the front porch, but the old screen door stayed perfectly in place, even as Lukas climbed the few porch steps.

He knocked thrice, loudly enough to be heard, but there was still no sign of Philip. Lukas knew he was awake because of the text, and he waited almost a full minute at the door, but it seemed it wasn’t going to get opened from the inside. His mind wandered as to why Philip wouldn’t answer the door. Was he right about Philip also pulling a romantic gesture this morning? Was it some sort of surprise? Was he even home? Maybe Philip had walked to Lukas’ house when Lukas was riding to his? Whatever the case, Lukas waited a few more seconds before finally bending down to grab the spare key from beneath the potted plant next to his feet. He unlocked the door and let himself in, not for the first time.

Upon initial entry, the house was eerily quiet. He was certainly right that Helen and Gabe weren’t home, but it didn’t sound like anyone was. The air felt too cold, the atmosphere was too hard to swallow correctly. It just seemed strange. Kicking off his riding boots, Lukas stepped into the kitchen, where a flash of eggshell white got caught in his peripheral. There was an envelope sitting hastily on the kitchen table with his name scrawled on the front.

The seemingly empty house and the single letter could have confirmed Lukas’ romantic suspicions if the handwriting on the envelope wasn’t so off. Philip didn’t have extraordinary penmanship to begin with, but the letters looked shaky and rushed like the pen was fighting with the fingers holding it. The breaks and waves in the blue inked Lu Lukas seemed so telltale of uncertainty - hell, he had to try to write the name twice, and even then it looked wobbly and uneasy. The envelope filled Lukas with worry.

He set down the flowers on the table, his fingers brushing over the paper in front of him nervously. He picked it up and read his name again before turning it over in his hands and opening up the flap on the back. It hadn’t even been sealed. A somewhat crumpled piece of notebook paper covered in the same blue pen ink was folded inside. It was blotchy and smudged in multiple places. Lukas only needed to read the first line to understand the situation. He dropped the letter and ran.

Luckily Lukas’ feet were functioning better than his mind. His head was so filled with anxiety and adrenaline and genuine dread that he could barely conjure a coherent thought, but his legs carried him up the stairs and around a corner to Philip’s bedroom. He swung the door open, his eyes darting across every inch of the quiet room, searching for something he didn’t want to find. But the room was empty, Philip was nowhere in sight.

“Shit.” Lukas breathed, his voice no more than a panicked whisper.

His head was still swimming in fear, his heart still pumping unrelentlessly. He turned and ran back down the stairs, turning a few more corners until he reached the bathroom. He was thankful he knew the house’s interior like the back of his bike. He darted out a hand and wriggled the doorknob to the bathroom. The door shook, but didn’t open. It was locked.

“Shit!” He proclaimed, louder this time. “Philip!”

The locked door undeniably revealed that Philip was inside, but no answer was given. Lukas called his name again, louder, more desperate, banging his fist on the door.

It was no use. He hoped against all hope that Philip was just ignoring him or knocked out. He hoped he wasn’t too late. He needed to get into the bathroom. With his heart hammering below his skin, Lukas made a decision. The house was old. The door was wooden. He needed to get to Philip.

Taking a step back and as deep a breath as he could muster in his panicked state, Lukas drew back his leg and pushed all of his force into the swing of a kick. His heel smashed against the bathroom door, just under the doorknob. It hurt like hell and he probably should have left his boots on, but the shot of pain prickling through his foot was the last thing on his mind. He reeled back and kicked again, hearing a crack this time. It only took him one more kick and the door flew open, its hinges whining. He scrambled to recover his balance. Head rushing and out of breath, Lukas finally stepped into the bathroom.

His stomach dropped.

His breath caught in his throat, and despite his pulse thundering through his veins, he swore his heart stopped.

Philip was lying in the bathtub, his eyes closed, his chest rising and falling alarmingly slowly. His arms and torso were covered in blood. His left arm was hanging off the edge of the tub, a razor blade lying on the floor perpendicular to it. Thick, dark droplets of red trailed across his palm and dripped slowly onto the floor, lingering on his fingertips for as long as possible until gravity pulled them from his skin. A small puddle was already formed on the tile. His other arm was resting weakly on his stomach, where the blood had pooled so much his hand was more red than pale. Deep, cavernous gashes shone on each of his wrists, blood still draining out of them, as it ostensibly had been for a while. Lukas yelled.

“Philip! Holy shit, no. No, no, no. Fuck!” He rushed to the tub, his head screaming at him not to panic and do something but his body refusing to come up with anything useful and panicking nonetheless. He dropped to his knees next to the tub, the small puddle from Philip’s left arm soaking into his jeans. The warmth of the blood snapped him into survival mode.

He yanked a towel from the rack behind him, taking Philip’s arm from the edge of the tub and tying the cloth tightly around his wrist. Philip winced a little, his eyes stirring slowly. Lukas frantically searched for another towel, but to no avail. Instead, he peeled the dark flannel off his shoulders and knotted it securely around Philip’s other wrist. His ankle was still throbbing from the door, but he didn’t care in the slightest. Once pressure was applied to both wrists, he reached into his pant pocket to pull out his phone. He slid to the emergency call screen and dialed 9-1-1 as fast as his shaking fingers could. The generic 9-1-1, what’s your emergency? greeted his ear a moment later.

“I need an ambulance! My boyfriend, he - he tried to kill himself and he’s bleeding so much and -” He couldn’t make it through the whole sentence. Saying the words out loud forced the welling in his eyes to spill over and his voice to break with a small sob.

“Sir, what’s the location?”

Lukas spat out the address into the phone, hanging up once the woman assured him an ambulance was on its way.

“Philip, hey, can you hear me?” Lukas asked desperately, bringing both his hands to the side of Philip’s face, slapping his cheeks a little bit in an attempt to make him coherent. Philip tilted his head and groaned lowly, and Lukas let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Philip, it’s me, it’s Lukas. P-Please say something.” He was still crying, harder now. It took Philip a full five seconds to open his eyes, and those few moments felt like years to Lukas.

“Lukas?” Philip’s voice was weak and depleted, but it was there.

“I’m right here, baby. I-I called an ambulance, you’re gonna be okay. Please, I need you to be okay.” He shook Philip’s head a little bit with nervous gesticulations.

Philip winced and drew his hand up sluggishly to grip Lukas’ arm, just below where the blond was touching his face. “I’m sorry, Lukas. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“No!” Lukas shouted as Philip’s eyes drooped half way and he put his hand back on his stomach. “Philip! I love you so much, please - please just stay with me. Please.” He took one hand from Philip’s face and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, ignoring the blood that smeared across his fingers.

“Don’t close your eyes, Philip, please. Look at me, yeah? Look at me. Please, please stay with me, Philip.”

Philip’s eyes fluttered, alternating between giving up and falling closed and struggling to meet Lukas’ gaze. He was trying, and that was all Lukas could do until the ambulance arrived - make Philip keep trying, keep holding on. So he kept squeezing Philip’s hand and he kept rambling about how much he loved and needed Philip and he kept crying, waiting for the sound of sirens to make its way into Helen and Gabe’s driveway.

***

Lukas hated hospitals. He hated the stale air, the way it hung all heavy and musty around his head, clouding his windpipe with distant stenches of dismay. He hated the lights, always too bright in the way that made them somehow not bright enough, flickering lowly like they were trying to steal the life from the patients and take it for themselves. He hated the waiting rooms, the way everyone looked at each other with pity in their gazes, trying to gauge who had it the worst or who’d been sitting there the longest. He hated not knowing if his boyfriend was alive or not.

For probably the fourth time in a minute, Lukas found his hands tugging his hair and his elbows digging into his knees. His uninjured foot bounced anxiously up and down without relent, shaking his whole body. His other ankle had stopped throbbing thanks to the pain meds a nurse forced him to take. It was wrapped too tightly in an ace bandage. Apparently he’d sprained it kicking down the door, but honestly he couldn’t care less with no news of Philip still. It had been almost two hours. Two hours of Lukas jittering and sitting hunched over with his head down, Gabe occasionally placing a comforting hand on his back, Helen pacing and bickering with nurses, and people staring solemnly at them all, wondering what horror brought them in. Lukas’ mouth was dry. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Just as he was half-legitimately contemplating going on a small rampage, throwing open every door in the entire hospital until he found Philip, a tired looking nurse in that ugly off-white uniform stepped into the waiting room with a clipboard under her arm.

“The family of Philip Shea?”

Lukas was on his feet and in front of the nurse so fast his head spun. Gabe and Helen were by his side in less than three seconds. “What’s going on? Is he…?”

“Philip is in stable condition,” Lukas exhaled at the nurse’s proclamation, relief flooding his brain and his heart. Philip was alive. “But he lost a lot of blood so he’s pretty weak and tired. We don’t want to overwhelm him, so we’re asking only one visitor at a time.”

Lukas looked almost pleadingly at Helen and Gabe, giving them a small it’s your call shrug.

“Go, Lukas.” Gabe nodded, draping an arm around his wife and blinking back tears. “He’ll want to see you most.”

“Thank you.” Lukas breathed. He knew Helen and Gabe were just as worried, and he appreciated greatly that they let him go first.

“Right this way.” The nurse smiled softly. She had that kind of smile you have to have to work in a hospital; the shit sucks but I have to be polite about it smile. He followed her down two hallways, taking a left and then a right until she stopped outside a closed door. “I’ll give you two some time.”

Lukas could hear his pulse in his ears. The cold metal of the doorknob stung his hand. He turned it quickly and stepped into the room.

Philip was propped up in the bed, a faded blue hospital gown hanging loosely on his shoulders and torso. An IV bag was dripping slowly and steadily into his right arm. Slightly stained bandages wrapped both of his wrists. His eyes opened halfway upon hearing someone’s entrance.

“Hey, Lukas.” Philip piped up, his voice small and croaky. He shot a sad smile toward the door. Lukas rushed to the bedside, pulling up a chair from along the wall and sitting down, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand gently.

“Hey, Philip.” Only two words and Lukas’ voice was already cracking, his eyes welling up for the umpteenth time. Philip saved him momentarily from having to try to talk through his tears.

“Listen, I- I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have put you through this. Helen and Gabe, too, none of you deserved this. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone - well, except myself. I was just so - I’m just - I couldn’t -”

“Hey, hey.” It was Lukas’ turn to save Philip from trying to talk. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. No one is upset with you. We’re all just relieved that you’re alive. You don’t know how badly I needed you to be okay, and you are, and that’s all that matters to me. I really don’t know what I’d do without you, Philip.” He reached a hand to Philip’s cheek. The last time his hand was in that position, Philip was covered in blood and nearly comatose. He blinked the image out of his mind.

“I love you, Lukas. I should’ve come to you, I’m sorry.” Philip shook his head, the first droplet of water running down his face.

“It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to keep apologizing.” Lukas swept the moisture away with the pad of his thumb. “I love you, too. So, so much.”

As if to prove his point further, Lukas leaned down to press a kiss to Philip’s lips. It was soft and sweet and absolutely bursting with love and life.

“Will you stay?” Philip mumbled against Lukas’ mouth, voice pleading.

“Of course.” He figured they’d have to let Gabe and Helen in eventually, especially if Philip said he wanted them all there, so Lukas would stay with his boyfriend until then. Philip pulled back to shuffle over, wincing at the weight he put on his wrists. There wasn’t really enough room for both of them on the single bed, but neither really cared, and Lukas climbed into the small space Philip had cleared for him. He slung an arm behind Philip’s waist and kissed his temple. Strands of unkempt brunet hair splayed across Lukas’ shirt when Philip settled into his chest. Philip closed his eyes, and Lukas’ heart and stomach felt light with the knowledge that this time, he knew they would open again.

Find more of my writing here or here. 

[moidse]

I honestly think you have a lot of toxic unhealthy behaviors that I overlooked and didn’t speak up about. You are manipulative, mentally unstable, have commitment issues, and have deep set issues with your own whiteness you need to process. You told me how you are addicted to sex and cheated on your ex and you told that story in a way that justified you cheating.. which that’s manipulative and just shitty. i understand that relationship was toxic but it sounds like it went both ways, at least in this case. You cheated on me at axis and then tried to justify it by saying you were drunk, i wasn’t there, it was quick, it meant nothing, you’re poly... you don’t seem to own up to cheating and hurting your partners feelings and that’s really toxic. I honestly don’t think you’re poly. There is a difference between wanting full freedom to just sleep with/make out with anyone that gives you the slightest bit of attention and having multiple relationships with respect and boundaries and where you can cheat. You want “relationship anarchy” because you’re addicted to sex and attention and you aren’t self aware enough to admit any of this. Instead you’d rather hurt your partners feelings and then act like I shouldn’t be hurt the whole night. I bought the tickets for that night, bought alcohol to drink beforehand, arranged a place for us to stay in cbus, i put so much time into organizing that night to have a fun date with you and less than 30minutes of being there you cheated on me with a random stranger at the bar and had the audacity to act like that shouldn’t hurt my feelings. you don’t care about my feelings. you care about yourself only. you are always the victim. I was hurt that night and wanted distance from you because you literally cheated on me while we were on a date and i am the bad guy because i needed distance from you for a minute and went to the bathroom? I am not trying to make like of you being triggered about sexual assault, but I will say that night you never said that’s why you were upset, we just talked in circles mostly about you making out with that dude and it became clear to me that what we both were talking about wasn’t the same thing. You just said you fucked up and didn’t say what you thought you even did. The next day you said you thought Bob the Drag Queen called you out for being a bad white person and that’s a big red flag. You clearly have a lot you need to process with your whiteness if you thought that this famous drag queen was watching you in this large crowd and calling you out. You have a lot to unpack. But also, just the idea that you felt unsafe being in a club without me for less than 5 minutes seems odd to me. You, me and austin were all by ourselves during that period of time and you were the only one to claim you felt unsafe from assault. With that logic we all could’ve been assaulted, we were all alone during those 5 min. It’s just so hard to tell what is actually going through your head and what is the truth and what is you trying to manipulate the situation to get what you want. I think that you had a freak out episode and ruined the night for me and austin and later said you felt unsafe because of assault so that it wasn’t like you ruined the night because you have personal issues with your whiteness. You always point the finger to trauma instead of your own personal toxic behavior or personal issues you need to unravel. You honestly have a lot of personal shit you need to process from everything that went on that night and even on new years dude. I was personally getting a bit emotionally exhausted from being your verbal punching bag and hearing how i am so bad and mean to you and then the next day having you crawl back and say youre sorry and you were just triggered. .. like that’s toxic as fuck. the person who says they love me and care about me constantly talks shit to me and says i’m so terrible and hurt them then later says oh jk. like the whole time you would have these episodes i’d just think one of these days you’re not gonna turn around and say jk i was triggered but you are gonna say you meant all those hurtful things. and even if you later apologize i shouldn’t have to normalize my partner coming for me anytime they are having a bad time that doesnt even have to do with me. I should’ve had the hindsight to end it when you first did this on the car ride home from missouri. that was the first time you showed this toxic behavior you have and i let it be with the thought of if this becomes a pattern i cant be with you... and this past week it had become a pattern. I don’t know what you need to process but you shouldn’t be taking it out on your innocent partner. 

It was super unhealthy that you felt like you were in love with me so early on.. I dont think you ever admitted to me how early on because you knew it was abnormally early and that isn’t healthy. You don’t know me after a few days or a week. You fell in love with my image and the idea of me through hot&bothered. Why else would you feel comfortable inviting me on a trip with you after we hung out twice? (Not to mention the second time we hung out was super awkward and ended with you asking if i wanted pussy kisses then getting awkward and you asked me if i wanted to continue having sex and i said yes and then you said oh i dont and then i said well we can continue watching insecure and you just awkwardly were like... im gonna leave.) But you knew you really liked me based on the 2 times we hung out and hooked up. that’s just not healthy dude. 

I felt like this whole relationship was me being that bad guy and owning all of my toxic behaviors and owning all of my personal issues i need to work on while you dodged all of yours and pretended like you aren’t a shitty person and it’s just trauma. It can be both. You can have shitty happens based on your trauma, I do and so do you. I was just really disappointed that you still never once were being real about making out with that dude. You never once said that truth which is that someone was giving you attention and wanted to make out, you were down and didn’t care about me in that moment. That’s the truth. It just hurt because I’ve never cheated on anyone and I would have never done that to you, I guess the equivalent would be me seeing my ex and making out and acting like you shouldn’t be hurt because “I’m poly!, I was drunk! You weren’t there! It meant nothing!” it’s just like all of these excuses show you knew it hurt my feelings and it was a shitty thing to do on our date .. you knew it was shitty which is why you have never owned up to it.. and that was the biggest red flag of all to me.. you just cheated and then said excuses... but i guess i should’ve known since you told me you have a history of cheating and you down played it so hard like it wasn’t shitty and disrespectful. It just felt like how am I supposed to trust you? 

You telling me twice that you have bad anxiety a night we dont hang out because you are afraid I’m gonna randomly hook up with someone I like more than you and leave you I believe is ultimately a reflection of your own habits and behaviors. You are afraid I’m going to do that to you because it’s something you would do. I literally have zero interest in hooking up or making out with strangers, it does nothing for me. Also, it’s hypocritical to say you worry about me hooking up with someone else and then in the same sentence say that if i did hook up with someone else you’d be happy for me. That doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that you can cheat on me and make out with someone at the bar and then have the excuse of “well i’m poly” .. like being poly doesnt mean you cant cheat. You literally texted me in the past week saying you can’t believe you are in a monogamous relationship and are into it. I made it clear early on when you were being shadey and manipulative saying you wanted to make “friends” on tinder, which who makes friends on a dating site based solely on appearance, anyways, I told you I wasn’t comfortable with that. and you got so upset with me when i told you I just TEXTED abby. she didn’t even reply but you were saying i was being a snake for even texting her and hitting her up without telling you... but you can go make out with a stranger and it’s okay because you’re poly but when i’m trying to be poly and just text someone I need to tell you before hand.. that’s some manipulative assbackwards bullshit. You aren’t poly. You are manipulative and just want full control. You don’t care about my feelings being hurt as long as you are getting the attention you want. 

You said i pressure you into having sex. Can you tell me one time when I pressured you into having sex with me? Where you said you didn’t want to and I coaxed you into it anyways? I’ll wait...   

You did however pressure me into having you meet my family. Constantly bringing up how you havent met my mom... it clearly bothered you. You coaxed me to post about you on social media, asking me to put you in my year review post... it’s just like why? so you can text me a week later and say you dont want to be in a relationship with me? 

And to top it all off, it was super shitty of you to act like you wanted to be together yesterday texting me telling me you miss me and just acting like things were back to normal .. and even fishing for an invite to hang out with me and ashley in cincinnati, because lets be real THATS WHAT YOU WERE FISHING FOR!! not to meet off the side of the highway for a hug-- like how was I even supposed to infer that.. but anyways, it just shows how you are just a piece of shit person that you tried to coax me into inviting you to hang out and meet my friend and I said no and then an hour later you dumped me over text and in the same text say you still wanna go to these shows with me. Those shows are public events. you can still go. but why would i wanna go to them with you?? you dont even respect me enough to break up with me in person. You don’t respect me enough to not cheat at the first glance of someone giving you attention. You are manipulative, mentally unstable, have deep issues with any form of commitment, and deep issues with your own whiteness.  And that’s the Lipton.  

[x9937552]

Long Day at Work

I got a closing shift today, and it felt like the longest shift ever. 

I usually get anxious every time before work, but this time my head was hurting again, and I felt a bit nauseous. The biggest reason, though, is because I have a fear that I will get fired and arrested for all the mistakes I’ve done. I really fucking hate confrontation, and when someone exits the store, we’re encouraged to check their receipt. It’s sometimes confusing because some of them have special receipts from customer service, and the barcode doesn’t match their products. I’ve double checked with a supervisor, they said it was okay- which in turn makes me fear that I’ll check a receipt, give them the okay to go, and then get in trouble for letting someone go with stolen merchandise. I’ve seen some people go without checking their receipt because I hate confronting a potential thief, I get sick to my stomach. Sometimes, I don’t check ID like we’re supposed to. One time, someone was using a card that didn’t match their ID, but they had the same last name, so I assumed it was their wife’s card. Some coworkers are so good at catching scammers, and I’m frankly stupid about that. I don’t do all of this on purpose, nor with the intention of causing losses to the store, I’m just an anxious wimp. 

The dizziness and nausea might have been triggered by my using my phone while I was in the car, which tends to make me feel dizzy- but I wasn’t using it for the entire ride to work. Now that I have my permit, my mom offers for me to take myself to work, and I have (once since I’ve gotten my permit), but I felt particularly anxious today, so she drove me. For the past couple of times that we’ve gone out, I’m the one driving, but again, I felt anxious. I drove on the way home though when she picked me up. Tomorrow, though, I will probably take myself to work. I have to get used to it because I don’t plan on failing the driving test multiple times, not even one time, I really want my license but I’m not ready yet. 

On another note, my sister has commented a couple of times that I’m always anxious when we go out, especially when I have to go to the restroom right before we’re leaving (when I’ve had plenty of time to go before our plans). She’s noticed this every time I tell her I feel nauseous (which is not all time time, but she argues that I tell her this every time we go out). So I guess I really do have anxiety. Sometimes I think about talking to a therapist, and what they would think about the immense self-analyzation I’ve done on this blog and just bottling up all these true feelings for years. Haven’t I done most of the ‘work’ already? What would be next? Working on solutions? It pains me to even think about some of them. So much so that I’ve been described as emotionally stronger than my sister. My mom says she talks to me more about problems about her life and marriage because I don’t get affected by it as much as my sister does. She barely told my mom that she saw a therapist (a couple of years ago when she still lived with us), which broke my mom’s heart. (Although, I don’t know if she told my mom that she felt suicidal.) My mom swears she would’ve left my dad right away. She had planned on it when I finally got a job, so the three of us would save up for an apartment and leave him (I have my feelings on that, but that’s another topic). But my sister got pregnant and started her own life. It’s not like she’s perfectly happy, but I hope it’s one less trauma to for her to presently live with. And the truth is, it does affect me, I’ve just learned to accept things are fucked up in our lives, and vacuum out how shitty it feels, because if I let it consume me, I’d go mad. 

Things went well at work, except for another self check out incident. Someone was buying an expensive item, and they had their id along with their credit account paper (it’s temporary until their actual credit card arrives in the mail), but then he said his receipt didn’t print out, which seemed really suspicious. The computer matched his name on the ID, but after that I felt a twist in my stomach, feeling like I fucked up bad. This is when the headache and nausea and the cold sweat kicked in. I told him he could get a receipt printed out at customer service, and he exited the store shortly. I don’t think he did that though. But if he showed me his ID, and the machine let him do a separate purchase, it’s not like he tinkered with the machine, only I could’ve done that with the main computer. 

Later on, a coworker told me I’ve been losing weight, that it’s noticeable, which made me feel happy. I’m finally losing weight! I had felt like I was gaining weight since I haven’t been as active due to my cold and stubborn cough that won’t go away. It feels good to see results after years of broken promises to myself and putting in no real effort. I’m proud that I’m primarily losing the weight I’ve gained over the past two semesters when I let myself really go.